The Birthday Portion in Whatever Will Be Will Be

Of course… things didn’t turn out great and… as should not be surprising, a lot of it focused on Brad’s behavior. As ever.

I was meeting Hermia, her mom, and Brad at the restaurant. I got there and met them inside. Small “how was your days” going around. Brad didn’t want to go to Y Care on his mother’s birthday because he wanted to spend the day with her. NOT all of this was shared during this preliminary “How was your day” but the rundown I would receive later?
Brad started the day crabby, argumentative, and difficult. But after being assured he could spend the day with his mother and getting some breakfast in him, he was fine. From there, they (Hermia and Brad) walked to Downtown to go to a Coffee Shop (where she got to relax, sit, drink coffee; and he got to eat more). Then walk around downtown for a bit of window shopping (which she assures me went well) before the sky opened up and Nana had to come drive them home.) Nana is quick to say, “And as soon as he got into my car, he said he hadn’t eaten anything all day.” K… all things considered… blatant untruthfulness is concerning. After getting back home, they hung around outside for a bit (after the rain passed) then walked to the local defunct mall to check out its last remaining store Bath and Bodyworks (as Hermia likes checking the seasonal scents). From there, Nana picked them up to bring them to the restaurant.

The waitress at this place was… problematic. But I was more surprised with how critical Nana was about the service. Yes. Our waitress wasn’t happy with us. Our table took too long to decide things and were not, exactly, the best crowd for the environment. But she (the waitress) was detached from our table and gave the impression that she would be happier when we left. HERE’S THE THING While Nana is spending her time bringing all of this up and being openly critical of the server… she is not spending a single second contemplating why this server might want to rush us on. A deep lack of “what behaviors are WE exhibiting that result in THIS reaction?” Because… here’s me (apparently) being a dick… the restaurant experience should be as follows:
Group sits down. Hospitality Staff inquires about drinks. When those drinks are brought back, group orders appetizers or requests additional time. Hospitality Staff returns and appetizers are ordered or Entrees are ordered. Hospitality Staff returns with Food (when not making sure to refill waters/drinks). Hospitality Staff return to check on “first bites” and assess the drink situation. Hospitality Staff return to inquire about Dessert or Check. Hospitality Staff returns with Dessert or Check.

BUT what actually happens? We begin to discuss appetizers. Is that something the table wants? Brad is going to say he’s hungry no matter what, Nana has a heavily restricted diet for medical reasons, and Hermia is vegetarian. So, let’s go over the appetizers that fit with Hermia’s restrictions and then pare back from there. That leaves three options. Brad pipes in requesting a fourth. No, that has meat on it. Appetizers are shared by the table so we need to get something everyone can have. Before Hermia even pipes up about what she wants, Brad then says “We’re getting onion rings!” Okay, but Nana probably can’t eat those, let’s keep looking. NO. There IS no “keep looking! There is Brad almost immediately escalating, demanding Onion Rings. The waitress comes over (because y’know, this isn’t Chuck E. Cheese and a kid getting loud isn’t exactly on everyone’s menu!) and asks if we were ready to order some apps. Brad immediately talks over everyone saying, “Yes, we need…” before Nana and Hermia both talk over him to say, “We still need more time, thank you.” We whittle it down to “Okay, fried cheese curds seem to be the most equitable. Something Nana eats, Brad eats lots of cheese as it is, and Hermia can eat them. Now, the question is- do we order regular or jalapeno and what kind of sauce should we get?” Except… as we’ve all come to this decision, Brad is still doing the “I GET MY WAY” behaviors and saying “NO. Onion Rings! I want onion rings!! I haven’t had onion rings in so long! Get me onion rings!” So, the waitress comes back around… to see if we’ve made up our minds on Apps. And again, Brad immediately talks over everyone saying, “Yes, I AM GOING TO HAVE…” before Nana and Hermia both talk over him to say, “We’re still looking, but I think we’ve narrowed it down a little.” Hermia asks the table if there is a problem ordering the jalapeno fried cheese curds over the regular. Nana says that it shouldn’t wreak too much havoc with her system. Brad just tries to double down more. “NO. Onion Rings! Get ME onion rings!” He is, at this point, legitimately crying as he’s demanding onion rings. Face twisted, contorted, tears falling. GET ME ONION RINGS. Nana keeps saying over and over again, “Who’s birthday is it? It’s your mamma’s birthday so she gets to order what she wants!” Meanwhile, Hermia takes a granola bar out of her purse and slides it across the table. Brad acts surprised and almost offended. “What is this for?!” “Brad, you’re starting to act up. You’re hungry reaching hangry. Just eat the granola bar.” NO! “Okay, so fried cheese curds. Jalapeno or not?” To which Brad continues to double down. He’s not eating anything that isn’t onion rings, get them for him now. NOPE. The waitress returns and Hermia specifically asks, “How hot are the Jalapeno Fried Cheese curds?” The waitress responds (loud enough for the whole table to hear), “The jalapeno fried cheese curds are barely hot. Some mild heat depending on which one you get; but overall, not hot.” So Hermia orders the Jalapeno Fried Cheese Curds.
As the waitress leaves, Brad has another verbal outburst. “WHY DID YOU GET HOT, YOU KNOW I HATE HOT FOOD!” Nana jumps in with, “It is Hermia’s birthday. If you keep acting like this, I can just take you to my car. We drove separate, y’know. I’ve been looking forward to coming here all week; but I will take you home if you don’t behave.” As she’s saying this, Hermia is saying, “The waitress said they were hardly hot at all. It’ll be fine.” As I’m saying, “But I thought you said you weren’t going to eat anything for appetizers unless you got your way.”
We continue to converse as a table, but Brad continues to act up. Nana threatens to take him home several more times while reinforcing that she’s been looking forward to this too long. Brad finally eats the granola bar and our appetizers come back. THIS, then, is time to order food. I’ll admit, it was difficult reading Hermia the menu while Brad is acting up. We’ll need additional time to check the menu, sorry.
Meanwhile, as I am trying to read Hermia the menu, Nana is practically wrestling with Brad. “The appetizers are to share for the whole table. You do not get to have half of them.” Struggle both with hands and words. I go ahead and get Hermia’s plate all set up so that she can have some and so she can eat a bit while contemplating what to actually order. Meanwhile, Nana and Brad are fighting over that exact subject as Brad keeps listing multiple entrees that he wants. And when he’s told he can’t order TWO ENTIRE PASTA ENTREES he keeps having a mini-fit. Compounding this, he takes a cheese curd with his fork, and drops the whole thing into the communal ranch dressing (as opposed to putting it on his plate). Hermia tells him that he has to share the dressing and to not be so greedy with it. Which sends him into the high pitched, actual sobbing, “I DIDN’T MEAN TO! I WANTED LESS RANCH DRESSING BUT IT WASN’T WORKING! IT’S NOT MY FAULT!” At which point, he rips the cheese curd off of his fork, and slams the fork (points down) onto the small plate in front of him.
Not surprisingly, re-enter the waitress. We get our food orders in and Brad is feeling frustrated because his order comes with a side salad but he doesn’t know which dressing he wants. So, Hermia orders Thousand Island on the side and we (allegedly) continue our evening. I say allegedly because it does not take long before Brad is having further issues. He’s hungry. He’s very hungry. And he’s VERY angry that the food is taking so long!! But out comes the side salad for him! And… “GROSS! THAT’S DISGUSTING!” Ooookay. He doesn’t like the Thousand Island dressing. GOOD THING it is on the side and doesn’t ruin the entire salad. Would you like to try your mom’s salad dressing? She got hers on the side, too. “NO!” Okay. Are you going to eat your salad plain, then? “NO!” The waitress comes back over to see if she can bring out another salad dressing (maybe one he might want). He crosses his arms and says, “NO.” As the waitress leaves, he says, “I don’t know what I might want so I don’t know what to ask for.” Which, I take as a learning moment, so I jump in and say, “The only way to find out what you might like is to try different things.” Which Nana agrees with; but the topic is quickly abandoned when he discovers that his mom’s salad has two cherry tomatoes on it but his salad doesn’t! Easily resolved. Hermia doesn’t like tomatoes. Have them. But, apparently, that wasn’t acceptable either because “What do you mean there’s only TWO?!” Yeah. You’re… receiving all of the tomatoes from your mother’s plate. All two of them. Which, of course, is unacceptable. Because Brad IS HUNGRY! and he is certainly not going to eat his salad!!

So, Nana needs to rub his back right now or things are going to get worse. Fine, fine. Do so. And I wouldn’t have even cared enough to document that detail but for what happens next. He starts leaning back into Nana. Hard. Tells her to move her body so he can recline better. Nana isn’t going to contort herself so that you can feel like you’re reclining in a restaurant booth, and I’m going to call it an unreasonable demand that she do so. He continues to try to use strength and pressure to get his way, while continuing to demand food, repeating that he’s hungry and complaining that the food is taking too long. Nana specifically mentions how she doesn’t usually see Brad like this, and I do actually say, “Unfortunately, I see it too often.” To which Nana says, “I suppose you do take him out to eat more often.” I do not register the silent issue with Hermia during this exchange (that I will be writing about later). Nana tells Brad that they need to go to the bathroom together because that is typically when food comes out. He reluctantly agrees and they leave the table.

Sure enough, right before they get back- my plate comes out as does Nana’s. I tell Hermia that the food is arriving and which plates. She says, “Brad is not going to be happy about that!” To which I say, “Proper manners would dictate that he wait until everyone is served before he can eat anyway; so it works out.” Brad and Nana come back to the table and yup! Brad immediately starts whining about the injustice that Nana’s plate is on the table but his isn’t!! This lasts for only a short minute or two before the injustice of it is rectified and he gets his pasta dish.

The food portion goes well enough. Hermia can’t quite finish her food and Brad leaves a solid half of his pasta uneaten. So, naturally, we request a box. The idea is to put both items into one box (as Hermia and Brad ordered the same thing). Nana makes sure that the wait staff brings out two boxes because if Hermia ends up eating any of Brad’s food, Brad is going to have an absolute fit. Since this IS supposed to be a Birthday Celebration, though, we discuss desserts.
Brad is pushing HARD that he should get a Lava Cake. Hermia states clearly that he wasn’t behaved enough to get a Lava Cake. But Nana orders a cheesecake slice to go; Hermia orders a cheesecake slice to go; and Nana thinks it is unfair for them to have cake and not Brad… so a slice of Lava Cake to go is ordered but we are clear that such will go home with NANA so that if Brad is good on Thursday he can have it then when he’s at Nana’s.

Hermia wants to pay for Nana’s dinner because it is a Late Mother’s Day thing and I pay for the rest of us. As they bring Hermia the check… I stop. And try to reason through. How… how does Hermia pay when it is a paper and pen kind of check. And Hermia laughs at my confusion because it shows that I pay when we eat at a proper restaurant. So, we have that discussion on how it works and what I can do to help (certain ways to fold the receipt for her to sign, that kind of thing). Hermia decides that I should just put the tip on my bill and give what I think is appropriate. My two biggest things for tipping? (1) Keep the waters filled; (2) moderate the check ins… meaning, leaving us entirely alone is inappropriate but checking on is constantly is also inappropriate. I weigh the service with the particular demands of our table and decide on a “standard” tip. These days, for me, that means 20%. If they don’t re-fill the waters at all, that’s a 15%. If they don’t re-fill the waters and ignore us all night, we talk lower. Hermia was surprised at the tip I gave indicating that she would have only given 10% considering the waitress’ behavior. This is, to me, another indicator of “Are we objectively addressing what we bring to this situation?” but it is what it is.

We part ways and go to my house for Hermia to open the last of her presents. It goes well. Brad starts pushing to play Minecraft but instead, we encourage him to run around downstairs with Nala. Both of them only opt for this when Hermia and I go downstairs with them. Hermia and I mostly just… sit. Talk. Discuss what we might want to do this weekend for her birthday or in general. It is briefly interrupted by a panicked Brad when he walks in and says, “I need to eat dinner!” Dude? You just had dinner. Like… literally forty minutes ago, we all left a restaurant where you were having dinner. He stops for a minute. Thinks about it. Then says, “Oh yeah! Never mind!” ::sigh::.... definitely the kind of moment where I don’t know if he’s mentally deficient, trying to get a negative reaction, or what! But he doesn’t want to “just play with Nala” and sits with us demanding that we play a Progressive Story Game with him. Okay. Whatever. We aren’t doing much anyway. We do a story where his mom is being silly, Chris keeps adding new characters, and Brad keeps trying to turn the thing dark. Like…
Brad: Batman shows up and starts punching people
Hermia: But they weren’t really people, they were training dummies filled with dough and Batman was just kneading it all super hero style
Chris: When Bane shows up and says, “Batman, are you making bread? I must break bread with you!”
Brad: So, Bane comes over and kicks Batman and Poison Ivy shows up to strangle him with vines
(like that.)
We finish the story with big laughter for all. As we decide to leave, I have an idea. Both Hermia and I are worried about the dogs for Thursday night. So, I ask if I can bring Nala over Thursday morning for her and Latte to spend the day together to kind of… wear each other out so they can get a good night’s sleep Thursday night. Hermia loves the idea, but invites Nala along to her house as we leave (for fun and to see if Nala can find things around the floor while I am there to remove them from her mouth if needs be). We all pile into the car and head for Hermia’s.

On the way, Brad asks for his pasta because he is hungry. Dude… 1) pasta is not a Car Food. 2) Nala is back there. 3) No. Instantly triggers argument: “Give me my food! It’s mine! Nana paid for it with her own money so that I could have it! It’s mine!” This inspires Hermia to at least break in with, “Excuse me?! That is not how we talk. And Nana did not pay for anything tonight!”
We arrive to her house and get Nala out, the bags and presents out, the humans out. As we walk inside, I am trying to find the best place to put the ceramic gift while I am holding the food bag. Brad comes over and tries to grab the bag out of my hands. Here’s the thing. I don’t care if he was doing that to be helpful. I don’t care if he was doing that because he wanted to steal the food. You don’t silently come over to someone and grab shit out of their hands. AT THE VERY LEAST you should ask, “Can I take that for you?” or “Can I help?” And I have a strong feeling that his mother, had he done that to her, would have snapped at him and yelled. Because you don’t just take something like that.

We get things sorted, get Brad book time, get Brad in bed. When the hammer falls. Hermia is upset with how I interact with Brad. IN FACT, one of her child psychology inputs says Brad doesn’t even need a second opinion. BOOM. I do get on edge about that. I don’t insist anything, but I do go on a bit of a “when it comes to children, second opinions are vital. Because children are still growing, changing, expressing differently. I wish my parents were more willing to get second opinions when it came to my own development. And your own therapist strongly suggested a second opinion.” The conversation then shifts to Parenting Philosophy Generally. I inform her that I am very much a “prepare them for the future, but connect to them today” mentality. How children today should have milestones of behavior and responsibility; so that when they become adults, they are capable. A child, before turning 18, should absolutely know how to do the laundry, cook for themselves, maintain their own hygiene, know how to travel (car, bus, airplane), know how to write and follow a budget (etcetera). So that when they enter a world that expects them to be adults and self-sufficient; they have a much better chance at being adults and self-sufficient. Hermia goes deathly silent at this. The silence becomes oppressive and uncomfortable. I ask her about it. She tells me that she is just… blown away by my world view and philosophy and she just.. feels bowled over by it. I attempt to explain how there are examples out there of parents who are still making the phone calls for their adult child’s work interview, who are attending these interviews with their adult children. who are still making the doctor’s appointments and phone calls for their adult children. And how that seems very much like hurting the child because they were not properly prepared to live in the world or navigate the world. Hermia begins to discuss how that kind of thing is “just how the older generations are treating the Millennials now” and… honestly? I was amused by the fact that Hermia did what every news station has done. Millennials are not these 23 year old kids entering the job market for the first time. Millennials are parents to adult children themselves! And I laugh aloud a little at this.
DEAD ZONE CUBA FULL RED ALERT DEFCON 4 TRIGGER BOMB
Hermia immediately stands up. Screams, “Derisive laughter will not be tolerated! GET OUT!” Goes upstairs and shuts her bedroom door. I give her about 5 minutes. I collect Nala. I turn out all of the lights that are still on, check both external doors to make sure they are locked, then get into my car. I text her, “Lights are out and doors are locked” because at the end of the night, I often let her know of those things when I am leaving. She texts back, “Not even going to wait to see if I calm down?” I sigh inwardly. This feels like playing games and I am too fucking old and too fucking tired to play games! I text back: “This is me respecting you. You tell me to get out. I got out. It would feel like a dick move to stay after you expressed that.” She actually writes back a decent, adult text. Admitting that when she is especially triggered, she reacts with a protective emotional outburst first and then calms back to more reasoned. Genuinely asked me to come back inside and just give her ten or fifteen minutes. I go back inside, which confuses the hell out of Nala, and Hermia explains the whole trigger/laugh thing.
Okay.
But because we’ve had a large emotional outburst regarding a discussion around parenting? Let’s have it out. Honestly. Let’s have the tough discussion/difficult fight. So… we do. It’s all pretty much the same notes, though.
She is upset because she doesn’t think I see Brad for the wonderful little boy he is. I explain that I do see his good qualities; but the statistical exposure has to be given its proper weight. If 60% or more of our interactions involve Brad having an outburst and a tantrum and a screaming fit… THAT is what I have to see and THAT is what I have to deal with. She would retreat to arguments of he is just a child and I am expecting too much from him because too much was expected of me. I respond that generously 3 out of every 5 visits involving Brad also involve significant meltdowns. She responds how that’s good in fact because some kids would be 5 out of every 5 visits! I press her on that. If she is honestly saying that there is nothing wrong with her little boy and he’s just like every other kid. She says he is neurodivergent but he’s just like any other child who has good days and bad days and typically needs more love than judgment. I lay out the last three weeks explicitly for her. The four hour screaming tantrum where I was genuinely worried for her safety. The constant disrespect, screaming, and insisting that he gets his way, only his way, and nothing can mitigate the torrent of tantrum that will occur if he does NOT immediately get his way. She responds that children are children are want their ways and will fight adults to get their way. The whole time, the argument feels like me saying “There is a problem” and her saying “Things aren’t that bad.” I essentially lay it out for her as an evidentiary element. If I interact with him five days in a row, and most of those days involve screaming, explosive tantrums where he works himself into a physical malady and an hour or more is spent trying to calm him down?? Then yes that is what I am going to see. I can’t see the creative, funny, caring version of him if he isn’t showing me. Then we have two of our big “watershed moments” for the argument.
(1) Hermia explains how I am talking to her like a lawyer and she is exceptionally upset by that; and
(2) Hermia, crying, says that I sound like everybody else. And she had hoped better from her partner that she would see her child and not be “just like everybody else” only seeing him as a child with problematic behavior.
BOOM. Right there. We have two significant elements to shift this argument. I can/need to start reaching her more with the “I have emotions about this stuff, too” perspective and the “If it quacks and everyone says it is a duck, you have to at least be open to the possibility that it is a duck.”

So, I tack and attempt to gently put those pieces together. Do you remember how relieved the school was when I started coming to Brad’s conferences? Do you remember the conversations I had with Brad’s robotics coaches? Do you see the significant shift in adults when they talk to me regarding Brad? Because yes… everyone only sees Brad as a problem child. Because his behaviors dictate how people see him. He can be creative and loving and funny and have all of these great qualities… but if most of the interactions are “He is disruptive, rude, bossy, disrespectful, and will create a massive issue for everyone if he can’t get his way how he wants when he wants?” If those are the majority of interactions he has with other adults?? Then YES.... every other adult is going to say THIS is who he is. And honestly? If your partner didn’t see this kind of thing and/or didn’t care about this kind of thing?? Then that is your partner signaling VERY LOUDLY that they do not care about your child, that they do not care about you, and that they do not care about sharing a future or building anything substantial with you. Frankly, a partner shrugging and saying “whatever” should be a deal breaker. It should be a POSITIVE that a partner sees this and says, “We can work on this together.” Then Hermia slightly changed tack and discussed how she’s just SO upset that I seem to only see him as a future criminal and that my stress seems to go up when I’m around Brad. (YEAH my stress goes up around Brad! Subjecting myself to screaming, insane rants, selfishness, and demanding entitlement kind of does that!) Then she said (probably) one of the bigger things putting all of this on her mind at the time.

She tends to go to things with Brad for her birthday. Often it is Lost Island Water Par because she wants to make sure they go at least once every summer and her birthday is a great way to make sure that they can go on a weekday when it isn’t overcrowded. How this particular task is typically accomplished? She and Brad will go, and she will bring 1 Adult Friend and her Mother. Because Hermia is Blind and because Brad doesn’t listen and can’t swim… that puts two Seeing Adults on scene to be of assistance, keep track of the kid and Hermia, and make sure things go smoothly. WELL Hermia’s friends are gone and/or can’t just take a random day off in the middle of the week. And Nana is in ill health, so cannot be chasing Brad around the waterpark all day. And Hermia was especially upset because she knew going just the three of us (Her, Me, and Brad) would be a nightmare for everyone. Because she would be operating at a level of “constantly upset” because she’d know how stressed out I was and how I’d just be getting more upset the whole day for “Brad acting like a kid.” So… lots of emotions packed into all of that. And let’s be super honest here… considering Brad’s behaviors, considering Brad’s refusal to listen to other people, considering Brad doesn’t know how to swim??? YEAH. If “acting like a kid” means constantly running off and not listening to anyone at a Water Based Theme Park… then yeah my stress is going to go up there!
Which… this kind of thing? Operates to tell me some important information. It means Hermia knows how her child is going to act. But it is her baby (her words). And it can NEVER just be the two of them going (Brad isn’t responsible enough to help his mother for an entire day). So, taking someone (me) who wouldn’t address Brad the way Mom and Nana do stresses her out and makes the whole thing seem impossible. Which, the way Mom and Nana handle Brad have directly led to these situations. It is TIME for a different approach.

Ultimately, the whole fight ended as this one typically will. Which, obviously, means I have some important questions to ask myself. Hermia sees all the wonderful things her little boy can be and thinks of him, still, as the 3 year old who would use sticks as a cane so he could look more like Mamma. Brad is a 10 year old neurodivergent child with significant emotional issues who behaves in ways suggesting he is constantly obsessively seeking negative attention. I am a 40 year old neurodivergent man with emotional issues who genuinely wants the best for Hermia and Brad and thinks that takes work. Perhaps the most significant element in all of this can be wrapped up in Hermia’s own reaction previously in the night.
Hermia takes a big emotional blowout, freakout, screaming tantrum as “a moment in time. He’s just tired/hungry/overstimulated. it means nothing in the big picture.” (See: I am triggered and have a sudden, explosive reaction. Don’t judge me for that reaction.)
I take a big emotional blowout, freakout, screaming tantrum as “something to be concerned about. If this is a repeated behavior and there is no attempt to educate, apologize, learn, and get better… then these aren’t moments in time they are how the person presents themselves.”

Ultimately, it is times like this that I wish I were still closer to home. So I could just… talk with my Sister in Law and my Mom and get some earnest honest advice from people who KNOW me. Know how I do things, have done things. Trying to figure out what the best way of going about this is.