These feelings are not getting better in Age 36

It was about two weeks ago that I had my last bout of anxiety where I hurt myself. Since then I have been trying to cope. Mind you I have not done exactly everything I was before. Walking for example I have not resumed. Mostly for lack of motivation or always being tired. But then always being tired is a symptom of escalating depression is it not? Every since my son and husband are on summer break I feel more stressed. I feel more pressure to have things ready for them, to tend to what they need. Cook, clean, make sure everything gets done.

My husband is lesson planning because they dumped a brand new topic on him that he has to create lectures for. So even though he’s here at the house, he’s working. I haven’t really gone out by myself or just with him. Just the thought though scares me and demotivates me. Let me explain. I’d have to get the gma’s to be in accord with taking care of the children. I think for the most part they are, but usually we are getting called right when our outing is nice.

I want to feel less pressure. I want to feel not so spread thin. I want to relax. I am on summer break from work for eff’s sake, and I can’t get myself to chill. One thing I have come back to is writing. I love that this site exists for this reason. I know other people just journal just because. For me, its a de-escalation tactic. I need this to calm myself down. To keep from losing my shit in front of my kids.

That’s another thing. My daughter who is 3 years old is nail biting. I mean down to the skin. Now my mind is spiraling thinking that she’s gonna be like more or worse. I don’t want her or anyone I love to have anxiety disorders. I was on an antidepressant the last 4 weeks of my pregnancy with her. Did I fuck her up? She’s been throwing these tantrums lately that are....not what I am used to. It takes effort to de-escalate her, mean while I am escalating. Its draining me having to cater to that. I know I have to be patient with her and I close my eyes and breathe while she’s doing it or I simply walk away.

Better to do that if I can’t defuse the situation. But why is happening so much more now? I thought I had this shit under better control. I thought I knew myself better. Could it be because my son is growing, my kids are getting older and so am I? I am sure that is it. Change is the one constant in life is it not? Obviously I am not handling it well. I feel like shit. I feel like a shit parent. I feel like I am not there for my family. I feel like all I do is snap at them that I can’t really connect to my children because I am such a raving bitch these days.

I am taking my meds. I am journaling. I pray every night. SO WHY DO i FEEL THIS WAY? Lord in heaven this is horrible. A prison constructed by your mind and carried out by your emotions. Traitors all of them. I have a therapy session today. I’ll have to talk about this though I don’t want to. I am going to go walk before hand. Maybe that will calm me down and give me clarity. And take away some of my bitchiness.