Anger Mismanagement in Current Events

I’m an intellectualizer. This is what makes therapy difficult for me. I already know what I should do. I know what they are going to say. More or less. I intellectualize my emotions. I process them through my mind to create a fake sense of control. This would be the result of being taught that my emotions are not safe.

I was an angry child. I was violent. When I was eight, my mother put me through counseling where I learned how to manage my anger. Anger management. I suppose this is where it started. My mother was not emotionally available (Aquarius) and was not somebody I could trust. She would use my words against me. I stopped being violent and learned that words can do more damage. My mother would fight back. I had a sassy ass mouth but I suppose this contributes a lot to why I don’t allow myself to feel.

My tantrums went from violence, to verbal, to narcissistic abuse. Just the standard smear campaign but far more cunning.

I’m not emotionally regulated because I am not letting the emotions in. That’s all it is. I can’t seem to let the experiences in so that I can process them the way they’re supposed to be. Emotions have mass and suppressing them is creating a lot of systemic issues.

I’m stuck in my head. Lost in my thoughts. It’s racing so hard that I get fatigued. I’m chasing my tail. Heads I win, tails you lose. I need to open myself up to the present already.