Bloom and Doom in Current Events

I said that I would end up working my nerve today and then I ended up working my nerve today. Manifestation? Or a self-fulfilling prophecy?

If something could go wrong it went wrong. My apartment did not burn down like it did in the dream I had the other night. That’s a win. Speaking of toxic optimism, I was thinking about toxic optimism today. When something shitty happens, and you feel shitty as a result, there is nothing like some out-of-touch CJTC (cock juggling thunder cunt) to tell you that you are experiencing it wrong. You are supposed to experience the bright side. See the silver lining. Doesn’t it just make you want them to experience the bright side of your fist on their throat?

When I laugh, I don’t want to hold it back. When I cry, I don’t want to hold it back. When I’m angry, I don’t want to hold it back. This is not what I want to do anymore. I’m tired of feeling like my emotions aren’t safe. I don’t want to be numbed out. I want to be open to the experience. There are so many experiences that I have closed myself off from.

I don’t have to like everybody. Nobody has to like me. That is my job. It’s an A+ on a good day. So I haven’t had a good day in a while. The new hire at my work, I don’t like him and I think the feeling is mutual. I don’t understand why. I think it is a rivalry. He’s very young. I was impressed by him when we first met. Still am, to be honest. He’s into philosophy. He is currently quitting all vices. Stoicism is his goal, I assume. He is a vegan like myself. Except he is oil-free. He does not do simple carbs either. He is very charming and sociable like myself. I see myself in him. Except he is a young and supple version. A bro version. I think I feel like he is in my territory. I’m the head of game here. The pleasure and the pain. This is a weird experience. He goes out of his way to avoid me. Only speaks to me when I speak to him. He goes out of his way to talk to everybody else. He’s a Libra, Scorpio rising. I love his walk, it is so confident. It’s like he is always on a runway. I want to trip him. I feel guilty about not liking him so I force myself to mistreat him equally the way I do everybody else.

I say all the time that I don’t know how to bro. It doesn’t feel natural the same way it doesn’t feel natural to be a flamboyant gay, the way I used to try. It feels like I am being a character. It’s not easy for me to have male friends, especially straight ones. People will make fun of them and say that we are dating. That’s very unfortunate. Whenever I’m one-on-one with one, we get along great. I learned why they always trauma dump on me. I engage in the conversation and add to it. Once these guys are around each other, a different personality comes through. They do not behave that way with me for a second. I could also make a drinking game out of how many times the word bro is used in a conversation. That’s their thing, it’s all G bro. Just an observation. I don’t really fit in a crowd. Who are my people!?

I didn’t run my errands today. I walked them. I spent so much time walking today. I hate it, I miss my car. Anyway, I am having a movie night with some friends. Queen of the Damned. Best soundtrack ever.