Old Habits Do Not Open New Doors in Current Events

It’s laundry day so I’m wearing my cranky pants.

Yesterday I felt like I was on cloud nine because I no longer have to carry the weight of my studies. Today, I’m feeling emotionally dysregulated. Not by a lot. I gave today a script of how things were going to go and it is not going my way. This is sending me because I am a control freak. I need to let go and let god. It really is that simple. It’s just not that easy.

I want to feel excited about all of the things I get to do today. The blindspot in my psyche is trying to self-sabotage. Now that I am aware of my ADHD, I can see where this is going. It wants the most dopamine hits possible. As big as possible. Do everything at the last second. It is trying to get me to lay in bed and wallow. It is trying to get me overwhelmed by all of the things I need to do. I just need to think small. Infinitesimally small.

I’m force-feeding myself and then I’m going to go take care of things. I’ll just be a sourpuss while I do it which is bollocks. I’m starting with the gym. I’ve been going for almost a year now and I don’t feel like I have a lot to show for it. Doing it the way my ND suggested is working. I have to flex hard to see it. I’m not a short 20 nothing year old. They have such an easy go at it. I am going to add to my routine today. I wanted to go first thing in the morning while it wasn’t busy but my grocery order didn’t submit for yesterday. I had to wait for that this morning.

I did my taxes, yes. I didn’t submit them, however. I have never been able to just do my taxes. It is always a fight with CRA and my account. I finally got that up and running but now there is one little issue that I need to correct once I’m no longer locked out of my account. I will have to use a different software, I suspect. This is so frustrating. Way to start my day. I needed to kill time while I waited for my order.

My roommate is a useless cow. She fails to do anything halfway. She is deeply inconsiderate. She has the psychology of a child and that is reflected in her actions. Is it still bothering me after three years? You betcha! She stepped up after our big talk last year but it isn’t enough. Saturday morning is get chores out of the way time. She’s a child, it is Saturday morning cartoons time while mommy cleans up the place.

Today I want to focus on restructuring everything. It’s not supposed to be easy for someone like me to build a new habit but I’m a natural. I’m way better at it than most neurotypical people. Seeing how most people my age can’t run, shit, or breathe properly. I have the headspace for it now and I don’t want to waste any time.

I could have worse problems. I don’t want to trade my problems with anyone. I’m just finishing my breakfast and then I’m off to the gym. I’ll do all my errands on my way home. Ugh, the gym is going to be too busy. I’ll know what I’ll be working out today once I assess the situation. It will probably just be my nerve I’ll be working.

I do want to be just a little masochistic and listen to sad songs on the way to the gym. I’m not numbed out, I want to feel something while I can, lol.