Neon in The Song Remembers When

I was very depressed when I was young. I experienced way too much death too quickly and it was overwhelming me, emotionally, and honestly, looking back, I don’t think I really ever stabilized. One of the ways that I used to keep a grip on emotions was through music, it’s one of the reasons I have been so sensitive to what I listen to. I lack the coordination to organize or channel my own emotions productively, especially now that I’ve essentially quit all artistic endeavors (why did I think that was a good idea, again?)

Hearing the wrong song and really dwelling on it, can send me spiraling down a road I didn’t want to go to. It’s one of the reasons I don’t go to too many clubs. Gen Z music is very violent and negative, which I’m sure sounds like the older generation complaining about the younger generation, and we certainly had our violence (we’re made Eminem popular, duh), but it didn’t seem so ever-present as it does now. Whatever....

I remember the first time I was challenged about my music knowledge and it was about a song by John Mayer called Neon. I know it’s hard to remember now, but when he first arrived on the music scene, he was kind of a ray of light. Music in the early 2000s was just awful, at least my crowd and I never got excited when Nelly had a new song coming out or Justin Timberlake was finally going to go solo (so did Nick Carter, but that didn’t go so well, although I remember liking his music better than Justin’s). Even artists we usually liked failed us during the era… I still get irritated listening to St. Anger.

I was in the car with the two Brandons and Joel. They put in Room For Squares and when this track finally came on, I said, “You know, I think I prefer the album version the best,” and on of the Brandons said, “Oh, really? And how many versions have you heard?” and he started giggling.

Looking back now I understand, but at the time, I was oblivious to what a fucking dick that kid was.

“Well, there’s the acoustic version from his demo EP that he released a few years before this, and then there is the one from his live album that came out last week. The playing isn’t as tight on that one, and the guitar solo doesn’t really add anything to the song.”

Both Brandons stopped laughing, and Joel just looked over his shoulder to smile at me.

It used to be my favorite song for a while, but after a while, I couldn’t hear it without thinking of that car ride. I realized, with all three of them sitting up front and me sitting in the back, that there were plenty of signals that I was not where I should have been.

I realize now that Joel was never my friend and for a long while, I thought he was my best friend. I even have pictures of him. Just for the record, I have pictures of maybe 7 people. I post pictures online and then promptly delete them… I was the same thing with film photographs. I don’t hold on to things like that… I hold on to feelings that were lies.

Now I go back and listen to Neon and realize what a truly great song it is. There’s real skill in the musicianship and the vocal is varied, makes some good choices.... and the lyrics are very interesting. It’s amazing how much smarter I was when I was 17.