You Are the Moment in The Song Remembers When

Everyone around me keeps talking about the major album releases that have happened this year, and I do have some thoughts about them, but I usually keep them to myself only because anything but absolute sworn devotion to Miss Swift is like disclosing you used the ratlines in the aftermath of WWII. That’s not to say that I don’t like The Tortured Poets Department, I just think it’s mediocre for her. So let’s talk about music so far…

First of all, I was the only person it seems who was excited for Jennifer Lopez’s new album because the album she was making a sequel to is actually her best album. It’s a great throwback R&B album full of old school 70’s grooves… the new one has nothing in common with the old one besides also being written about Ben Affleck, so I was highly disappointed, even if it wasn’t as bad as her previous album (which had that atrocious Iggy Azalea duet).

So let’s talk about Ariana Grande. Now I have to be honest, I am not one of those people who thinks she is enormously talented. Her music tends to be too boring and one-note for me. But “Yes, And…” was excellent, I wish the rest of her new album was as exciting as this song. What’s funny is that I realized how little I pay attention to her when someone was listing off her albums and I completely forgot about her last 3… The last time i recall her was Dangerous Woman and that was ages ago.

But when I finally listened to Eternal Sunshine, I realized why at the very end of the album. One of the bonus tracks is a remix of “Yes, And…” with Mariah Carey. This was a mistake on Ariana’s part, only because it shows Ariana’s big deficiency… she has absolutely no power in her voice. She can hit big notes, but they sound thin and whispery. Putting that voice next to Mariah’s voice, even though it’s diminished, reminded me of Mariah singing with Aretha. Ariana Grande sings like a back-up singer on her own song while Mariah sings circles around her… like the wind from a tiny little desk fan competing with the wind from a jet engine. Poor girl, no wonder almost everyone has forgotten about this album (except your depressed friends who cry to “we can’t be friends” between T-Swift tracks).

(Also, Mariah should go back to singing dance music like she did in the 90s… her voice is perfect for it)

Radical Optimism is fine but I doubt it’ll be what Future Nostalgia was. I know people are saying it’s the exact same thing, but it’s her third album and she actually did try a few new things while hewing closely to what made her successful. It’s a safe choice that I respect, but it’s not as fun as her last album… but not her fault.

Then we get to Cowboy Carter which is probably my favorite album so far. I like country music but have had to part with it slowly over the last 20 years as it became a toxic musical haven for cishet white people to express sentiments that I don’t agree with. I am 100% behind Beyoncé leading the charge for a POC/LGBT+ invasion of the genre. Plus, she did it with some truly genius music. I’ve heard people complain about the number of collaborators she had on the album or number of writing credits and then compare it to Freddie Mercury being the sole credit on “Bohemian Rhapsody” or George Michael on “Careless Whisper” but I think that that’s fine. Different artists create in different ways, and I hear Beyoncé’s ideas and vision even if she’s not the one who wrote every damn word. That album is genius, top to bottom. I liked Renaissance fine but it didn’t get me excited the way Cowboy Carter has.

Now we come to Taylor Swift. About six months after Midnights came out, I bought every Taylor Swift album (but I only bought the Taylor Versions of some of them) because I had been told that you need to listen to them in order to understand how the songs fit together. It wasn’t until I got to 1989 (Taylor’s Version) that I noticed something. 1989 was the first Taylor album I bought (I had purchased a few of her country singles from her first two albums) and I listened to it quite a bit because, well, it’s catchy and I wanted to compare it to Ryan Adams’ cover (he recorded his own version of 1989 and it shows how sharp the songwriting is when it’s not slathered with terrible pop production). The Taylor’s Version of the album is quite a bit different from the original, in her vocals and some of the production choices, so that it’s almost a completely new album.

I bring this up because all anyone kept telling me about The Tortured Poets Department is how it fits into the larger “Taylor Universe”, as if she’s the fucking MCU or something. Now here’s the problem I had, is that her writing style hasn’t really developed or become more complex… she still writes like a 16-year-old on Midnights and on The Tortured Poets Department: The Anthology which means that she’s written a Lord of the Rings-length diary entry about whomever it is she’s writing about this time.

I don’t have a problem with writing about your exes (hello, I worship Stevie Nicks), but there’s something very immature about the way Swift writes. I don’t really believe all the nonsense about how each album fits in with the other, I think she just plays that up… although I think it might be true about evermore… which is her best album, by the way, because she finally finds a way to make her diary confessionals interesting.

But that’s the thing, it’s not bad. Taylor is the moment and her message reaches a lot of people… it just doesn’t reach me, and that’s fine. Midnights is an enjoyable album, and so is The Tortured Poets Department, it’s just more of the same (a lot more of the same, my God) and it doesn’t really linger in your brain. She needs to switch up her production, read a grammar book or at least do something that will give her writing a little more abstraction to make it interesting. It’s fine. It’s not vital like Cowboy Carter and it’s not as dull as Eternal Sunshine but it’s nowhere near as good as…

HIT ME HARD AND SOFT is the perfect pop album this year. I’m not a gigantic Billie Eilish fan. Her voice is too whispy and non-existent for me (it makes Ariana Grande sound like she’s shouting at the top of her lungs), but Billie’s writing and varied production make it the most fun album out of all of them (Cowboy Carter is fun but is also heavy because it knows its place, Billie’s is just throwaway). I didn’t think I would enjoy it because “SKINNY” starts off as boring as her last couple of albums, but when I started to listen to her garbled singing (which has much improved, she has learned to enunciate finally! To this day I cannot understand what she’s singing in “No Time to Die”), I realized the lyrics were quite good toward the end… and then it jumps into “LUNCH” which is the best song about cunnilingus since Madonna’s “Holy Water” (no, none of Ariana’s stupid “naughty” songs from Positions count because a Kidz Bop recording of Madonna’s Erotica would still have filthier lyrics than Positions)

That’s where I’m at so far…

Gossip put out a great album (it’s great to have them back).

Pearl Jam’s Dark Matter is a pretty fucking awesome Pearl Jam album.

Garbage’s remastered Bleed Like Me has some awesome new material.

Sheryl Crow’s Evolution is her best album since C’mon, C’mon and “Alarm Clock” is a bop.

Green Day’s Saviors isn’t bad, it’s nice to have them back, too.

Justin Timberlake’s new album isn’t Jennifer Lopez bad, but it’s not good.

Justice, one of my favorite groups ever, released their first new album since Woman back in 2016. Hyperdrama is fine, but it’s got too many bad collaborations. Only Miguel acquits himself well because Tame Impala sound like they have no idea what they’re doing with Justice.

Lenny Kravitz’s Blue Electric Light is some of the most exciting music he’s ever put out.

And finally, Zayn. His first three albums, especially his second (a double album) Icarus Falls, were absolutely great. His late summer promo single from last year, “Love Like This”, was really exciting and showed a great new direction for that future neo-soul sound he does… but then Room Under the Stairs came out and… it’s like a terrible version of John Mayer’s worst album (Born and Raised) being sung by a drunk Usher impersonator. Supposedly, Zayn’s community in Pennsylvania inspired him to pursue country music(?!) Occasionally it’s fine, “Alienated” is good, but most of these sound like songs you would hear at your local open mic night… especially “Birds on a Cloud”. He sounds like he’s never sung with live drums before… it’s very bad.