One more day in Bittersweet

One more day and we go live with our new EHR.
Our person hasnt finished customizing our forms and im like ffffuuuuck me. Im learning how to do it and ill step in tomorrow. I got all our portals to clinicians sent out. Got all our legal docs uploaded and tomorrow ill be sending client portals at least to 5 clinicians who start on Monday, but preferably to all 1300 clients.

T and I keep fighting off and on. Same old shit. I dont try hard enough. I dont make him feel wanted, i dont make him feel attractive.
Its exhausting because why in the middle of this huge dumpster fire of a week at work do you want to argue about this. Cant it be one or the other. Oh I devote too much energy to work. It keeps me up at night. I dont want to have sex. Sigh. I get it. I suck. Ive heard it my entire life how much I suck.
Im exhausted. Im stressed. I dont get a break and when I do. All I can do is mindlessly scroll at this point because i dont even have energy to do something I love doing. I dont even want to watch tv.

I need this move to be over and its going to be a shit storm for another month.
I had to Terminate D finally today.
She asked me why she was being terminated and not N, N started after her. I said N was reception, then admin and is now clinical support as well as doing a bit of billing. She said I can learn it all ( no, no you CANT) I said I think so too. But we had to weigh the pros and cons of training someone new which takes 6 months to learn all of those things and longer to do it well. vs someone who is already trained in it, and I have so much on my plate at work. I just dont have that in me too.
And its true
We are registering as a behavioral health entity which changes us to a mental health legal clinic instead of a faciltiy/office. Which means Ive had to co write about 60 legal documents and policies. Approved by a lawyer and then re written again. Changing out records with 10 different health cares which is a shit ton of rosters with each therapists whole lives, CV, legal shit, so much paperwork. It takes me 10 minutes to gather each ones documents, and i have 40. Sure its “all together” but each roster is totally different, designed different and some ask for different shit.
Design this brand new EHR. and I mean DESIGN it. Set hundreds of custom forms up. Set up 40 profiles, 1300 client profiles, Design SO much shit.
Work for this grant that helps get student loans forgiven. Again SO MUCH FUCKING WORK. Hell ive had three background checks for all this stuff. On myself. Because you cant txfr a background checks. You gotta get them again, On with notaries. 6 hours of training a week.
support for my admin team, billing team, clinical team.

God its a mess.
I mean its not, because im a boss bitch but fuck its a lot.
So i know im doing a shitty job at wifing. Im not even doing a good job at taking care of me. Im still trying to walk every day. N went without me because she thought I was too busy. I asked her at 2. We went for a 1.5 mile walk ( 20 minutes, we book it) And I am busy but thats my only break. I dont even take lunch, that is lunch.
We all have our unique shit.
It was a shitty exit interview. Despite her shit, I like D. Shes not a bad person, she is passive aggressive and explodes and its from trauma and I get it. But over all. I do like her. I generally dont dislike people and work hard to like them. So its still hard.
I had a therapist having a meltdown over changes and settling her down. Its a lot…
I made a joke yesterday at our equine training. My role is your work mom and everyone laughed and agreed. I have 40 work kids and everyone needs me.

Ive lost myself. And i dont know what im doing now
it will pass.