There's Nowhere to Run and Nowhere Left to Hide in Current Events

Do you know what my problem is?

A diagnosis informs treatment but the labels stay with you for life. They also have a profound impact on a person’s identity. In a world where everybody seems to be trying to get one, I am trying to escape them all. I don’t have it in me to keep running.

I need to stop living in denial and admit that I have ADHD. My avoidance, my procrastination, my spiral system, as I call it… it is just ADHD Paralysis. That’s it that’s all. It’s nothing special. Just ADHD Paralysis. But wait! There’s more! ADHD comes with comorbidities—anxiety, and depression, to name a few. I’m hiding from an ASD diagnosis as well. I will talk to my family doctor about this eventually. I don’t want to get an evaluation. I can’t stomach the idea of it all, honestly.

Maybe I can give myself some compassion once I accept these truths. All the cool kids are neurodivergent. I don’t want to be them. I would keep this to myself. The world hates me and the feeling is mutual.

I was retraumatized last month from a book about trauma. I have been telling myself that it resurfaced old habits. That’s not what it did. What it did was exacerbate my underlying conditions. Everything has been out of control because I have not been able to get myself under control. This is where my CBT comes into play. I will discuss this with my therapist and he will restructure his approach accordingly. I’m not a snowflake. I’m textbook broken. Jacked up and busted. There is recourse. There are resources available. Don’t cry for me Argentina.

I hate this. This is ick. Admitting it. It’s like I’m giving up. Surrendering. Conforming. I shudder at the thought of saying this out loud to someone. Even if it is just my therapist. I can’t take it back. There are no backsies.