Hard or Soft? in The Stuff That's Not Interesting But Is The Most Interesting Stuff I'll Write

I know that erasing all of my social media was a big overreaction, and I know what it was about, too.

First, there was a message from Dave. 10 years ago, Dave was one of my closest friends. He was a stillness, a calmness, I had rarely found in friendship before. He was my first real adult friend, in the sense that, at the time I was back in university and surrounded by people several years younger than I was. He helped me keep perspective that a lot of those things weren’t reality and that I was just stepping one foot-in to the teenage drama pond.

Shortly after I left LA to take care of my grandmother, Dave and I lost touch regularly.

I had had a dream about him a few weeks ago, so I decided to message him and see how he was doing. It took me some time to answer him, because as I was typing my answer, I realized that my life here isn’t anything spectacular, it’s actually pretty normal… which is something I’ve never had before.

HIs reply was startling:
“**Hello! It sounds like you have made a lovely life for yourself over there. Your dreams are coming true, teaching. That’s what you went to school for. Congratulations!

Have you mastered the Thai language yet? Are you able to speak it conversely?

Yeah, I don’t have any social media installed on any of my devices. If I want to check Messenger or whatever, I have to navigate to the webpage the old fashioned way. I don’t think I have posted on Facebook in a year and a half.

One day I realized how much of my time it sucked up. That first year off social media I read SO MANY books! I hadn’t read in so long because my free time was spent scrolling social media. Once I removed social from my life I had more time to do things I actually enjoyed.

But really, my life changed in 2018 when I was laid off. That is when I started isolating. And then it changed for everyone during the Covid years.

Right now I am not dating anyone. I’m not on the apps. I do have four friends I continue to socialize with. One of them is still Geronimo, who I try to see once a month. Another friend lives in Palm Springs, where I was just this past weekend helping him move to a new place. I have a 60 year old friend in Claremont I have been seeing every other week for dinner. And one friend who lives in Riverside I see infrequently.

I don’t go out or socialize much. I don’t perform anymore. No performance art. No plays. I don’t write anymore. During covid I had published more than six books. Those were the last things I wrote. (I say “more than” because I published more than just books, I wrote other things for that publisher as well.)

2 and a half years ago I got a job working in security software again. So that’s how I spend my days. After work I go skinny dipping in my pool. And I spend my evenings reading or watching dvds or things. (I cut back on streaming, I don’t have Netflix anymore.)

And that’s my life. Not much to speak of. But it’s mine. Have you found love or anyone special over there?**”

Now, I’m not sure exactly what to make of this… but moments after reading it came the call from my mother.

Now, she was not in any kind of negative space, she was just asking me about my plans for moving since I had unwisely decided to keep her in the loop on that particular development. Somehow, during the conversation, my brain drifted to one of the topics in Dave’s message which in turn lead me to speculate about going back to California…

That is when the conversation abruptly halted and I was told in no uncertain terms that I am not welcome back in my mother’s house, I am not welcome back in America.

As this moment happened, I actually felt my consciousness travel out of my body and out of time. I was looking down at myself having that moment with the security guard at Pride, being annoyed at having been discriminated against… I usually try to take that kind of bigotry and prejudice with a sense of humor since it is karmic justice as a white man. But I also saw the leather daddies with their whips and chains around me passing through security easily with their toys and weapons....

This is why I’ve never been into S&M in relationships. Why Joe and I had such a fight when he pulled that particular trick out of his hat during our relationship. Every single day I experience pain, from strangers, from friends, from my mother. I don’t need it in my sexual relationships, too. What’s the opposite of s&m because I’ll bet that’s what my real kink is.... someone who treats me with respect and is soft and considerate and loving.

Those are the things I should be searching for… because my time is winding down. Pretty soon it’ll just be me skinny-dipping every day in my pool by myself.

Last updated June 05, 2024