Yeah I suck at this now. in Each Day

I am so disconnected from my people here. I feel like I will never catch up. And I never will if I don’t actually read your posts. It annoys me, the stupid cycle of - thing exists - thing makes me anxious - thing needs my attention - thing makes me more anxious - thing persists in existing - thing makes me more anxious - ad infinitum.
So, I’m sorry I’ve sucked. I would like to stop. I need to align my priorities better.

This is something I’m thinking about a lot lately. Folks with ADHD are already playing life on hard mode. I need to build cheats into my days.

Some “cheats” I have been thinking about:
Less stuff period
Stop dreaming up new projects when the current projects are still stacking up.
Literal cheat sheets for hygiene, cleaning the house, morning and bedtime routines.
A master list of projects I have on the go.
A master list of “things I’d like to do”.
A master list of house things that NEED to be done.

Things have been good. Stupid life bullshit aside… One of the subreddits I’m on, someone posted “How are you tho”? I wrote:
For the first time since 2016 I don’t feel actively “crazy” in my own head. I have answers to the thoughts and behaviours that bother me. I have made so much progress recovering from my childhood and even repairing my relationship with my mother. The stuff I’m bringing to my therapist is becoming mundane and she’s starting to prepare me to be discharged from her care (which is frankly terrifying). I never knew marriage could be this good, and were adding to our fur babies later this year. Life, in my little bubble at home, at least, is pretty damn great. As long as I don’t look at the rest of the world 😢

I don’t know how to accept that this is the new norm. That I might actually be ok (I am ok. I know this. Why can’t I accept it?). That I maybe don’t need to fix every little thing that stirs up my insides.

Something has been eating at me that I have brought to Tina (therapist), Red AND M. I have gotten a lot of support for why it’s eating at me. I don’t know why I can’t let it go.

CK (erstwhile work wife) has been seeing a woman for 5 months. She told me they started therapy last wednesday. I asked her why, and she said that the spark is gone. I asked her if there was a reason and she said she’s not attracted to overweight women. I asked her what the draw was 5 months ago, and she said something about the taboo (this woman just left her husband, and while she knew she wasn’t straight, she’d never been with a woman), which is a TERRIBLE fucking reason to be in a relationship. Sure, fuck the woman. Don’t talk about your future together…
This is a “habit” of CK’s, attaching herself harrrddd to people with so many barriers to an actual relationship. Like someone who has expressed disinterest. Someone who lives in frigging Europe. Someone going through a divorce with a co-dependant relationship with her kid.
Anyway. In the course of our conversation I said to her in no uncertain terms can she tell this woman that she is not attracted to her “anymore” because she’s overweight. She was overweight when you hooked up. This is not a HER problem, this is a YOU problem. I told her there is no way to tell a fat woman that she is unattractive because she’s fat. SHE KNOWS. She’s been told this by society every fucking day of her life, regardless of what her fucking size is. I told her that my weight has fluctuated a lot, M has never commented on it (except for supportive stuff), and if he did it would fucking destroy me.
When I relayed this to M, he said, “Of course your size doesn’t matter, I love you for this” and tapped my forehead. It was a weird moment and I know he meant well, but my stupid fucking demons really want to push my thinking in bad directions.
Anyway… CK tells her girlfriend she’s not attracted to her because she’s overweight. I am fucking PISSED. Of course, the woman cried. She wanted to leave the conversation and skip therapy. CK convinced her to go anyway.
Now they’re on a trip visiting the East Coast, she’s meeting all of CK’s family. I don’t know she is keeping her shit together. I’d be a mess, and maybe she is. But like, WHY STAY with someone who is so ready to commit casual cruelty like that.
It has really changed my feelings about CK. Those stupid fucking demons are really trying point out that she was attracted to me when we first met. I was no smaller than her girlfriend now. So I guess I was just a taboo, too. Illicit office romance? Affair right under my husbands nose? Like… fuck. I thought she liked me for me.
But it’s not about me. I’m not in a relationship with her. I hope this woman can extricate herself from this relationship knowing that the problem isn’t her weight. It’s CK’s fucked up attachment shit.

Anyway. I’m fighting a headache at the end of a really great 6 day holiday. Back to work for 2 days and then it’s the weekend! Wooo! We have company coming Saturday, should be nice.