July 2017 in 2010s

SUNDAY, JULY 30, 2017
Right now I’m waiting for it to cool down another 10° so I can go out for a quick run. In some ways, this climate is worse for outdoor exercising than Oregon was. It rains more here and it gets hotter. It might actually be easier to run through snow and ice, not that I would ever want to live in such a cold, snowy climate ever again.

We went swimming before 9 PM last night and the water was disappointingly chilly. There were half a dozen people there too, but all adults.

It was a surprisingly quiet Sunday. We did some things around the house and we also went to Raley’s.

I thought the washer hose was clogged but when Tom went to check it out he said there was hardly anything there.

He sprayed the outside of the house because these big fat creepy-looking spiders have been showing up in here.

Tomorrow will be my last pill skip until after the lab unless I have any trouble before then. I’m actually starting to feel a little off and I’m not sure if it’s PMS or peri, but it’s kind of like I’m borderline to being borderline. I wish I would get anxious when I wasn’t taking enough thyroid medication to be that way, and I wish I could be proven wrong about the medication being the main culprit, but there’s just no way. Even if I were to learn that it was the other way around, that wouldn’t mean I could start taking the medication every day, month after month, because they would only feed off each other. I still think that if I’m ever going to be able to handle this dose indefinitely it’s going to have to wait until I hit menopause.

But when will that be? Well, I’m five days late for my period but I still think I’ll get one in August or September. I just hope I’m not ragging at the GYN. I’ll plug it up if I have to, though.

Been the same weight for three days in a row and I can pretty much guarantee that this is it. 1500 calories will only lose me a couple of pounds at this age. But just like I’m not going to put myself out with the medication just to give the doctor better numbers, I’m not going to put myself out to see better numbers on the scale either. I would probably have to go down to 1200 calories to get down to 135 and then 1000 calories to get down to 120. Not going to happen.

I’m a little worried about my blood pressure which has been high again. Whenever I get that funny sensation in my head when I stand up, and whenever I feel those “neck knockers” when I’m lying down, I know it’s up. I don’t understand why I have spells where it’s elevated. Tom thinks it’s just stress and that it will go back down. The only thing is that this tends to be a precursor to anxiety, but hopefully I’ll stay calm.

Two nights ago I dreamed I was in Bob and Virginia’s house, only it looked different as most people’s houses do in my dreams. They had a large dark-haired male doll that they said they got seven years ago.

I also went into another room to get something and passed by a table in the corner. I stopped to study how it was decorated and I liked the style and the neatness of it. I liked how it wasn’t cluttered, too.

Last night I dreamed a really strange dream but I’m not sure if it was something I saw in a movie or if the woman in it was actually me. There was something about a woman who had been held in some guy’s cellar that finally managed to get upstairs and out of the house. She was screaming at people on the street for help as the guy started to come after her.

Then I was threatening some guy. Not sure if it was the same one or not, which is why I don’t know if someone else was involved in the dream, but Tom was there. I’m not even sure what the threat was about, but the guy didn’t seem worried. He actually seemed a bit amused.

SATURDAY, JULY 29, 2017
We didn’t even make it a whole day before the next project started. I really can’t catch a break in this place. We’re thinking that the guy who had a stroke (I don’t know his name) was moved to a home and that they’re getting ready to sell his house with all the activity going on over there. Yesterday someone was using an insanely loud gas-powered power washer to hose down some carpet. This was in the evening. That went on for a couple of hours after having to listen to the usual traffic and landscaping sounds.

That loud white truck has been coming around twice a day to Geri’s lately, and I had to listen to the distracting bumps and bangs of something being loaded onto it for a while after the power washer stopped, so it never went quiet here until around 9 PM yesterday. It’s just ridiculous the amount of activity I hear around here. Although Tom disagrees, I don’t think it’s much quieter than Phoenix was, when I think about it. It’s just different sounds made by different people. Instead of dogs, kids and loud music, I hear traffic, landscaping and loud machinery/equipment.

That was 11 hours I had to listen to shit and I didn’t get up until 10:00. It’s like something up there was determined to extend the noise to match my schedule. Like I said, it’s just utterly fucking ridiculous. But why haven’t I gotten used to it? I don’t understand why I’m not used to it since I haven’t lived in a quiet place for over 30 years now. You would think I would be able to tune it all out by now but instead, it totally disrupts my train of thought and I lose track of what I’m doing. Although it will be boring, I might just do nothing but listen to audiobooks through headphones when I’m on days and I’m not cleaning. This just isn’t a place for a writer.

Today I heard the power washer for over 6 hours. Even on the weekends, I can’t have any peace. I’m hoping that now that it’s after 6 PM they’ll pack it in for the night and that Geri’s company won’t come and sit and idol its loud truck while loading whatever into it.

Now I hear some hammering. sighs with frustration Well, I may not be able to get much peace around here unless it’s in the dead of night, but I can go swimming. Going to go for an evening swim. It seems to be pretty dead at that time and then you don’t have the sun glaring in your eyes. It’s going to be easier now that my hair isn’t down to the small of my back. Yeah, a very nice lady named Nicky with purple hair took off 6 or 7 inches for me today. It’s still long enough to be pulled back in a ponytail and the ponytail is about 5 or 6 inches long. In about 18 months it should be back to where it was, but hopefully a lot healthier. Now that I’m staining the color into my hair instead of dying it, that should help. Also, maybe now that I’m using the right leave-in conditioner that will help as well. Nicky told me that the Paul Mitchell Skinny Serum is actually a bad thing to use and that it dries the hair out because it shrinks the hair follicles or something like that. It makes sense when you think about it since it’s silicone, and I would notice a buildup of the stuff every now and then and have to take a few days off from it. Why I was ever recommended it, I don’t know.

Don’t know if I buy that trimming the hair makes it grow faster or that hairs with split ends are dead and won’t grow anymore. Hair grows from the roots, not the ends. So I’m not going to get it trimmed every 3 to 4 months like she recommended but maybe more like every 6 months. She said she trims hers every 3 weeks.

Miracle 10, Paul Mitchell’s replacement, does all kinds of things I want it to do. It detangles, reduces frizz, protects against flat irons and stuff like that, and so much more. After we go swimming I’ll give it its second Swarzstar treatment, then hit it with Miracle 10. She said the stuff is super concentrated and that once I’ve used about two-thirds of the bottle I can add water to it. I guess I just spray it into my hands a few times and then rub it into my hair.

Finally found a reason to use my new beautiful watermelon tray. I used it to carry my soup and soda to my desk.

Oh fuck. It’s 6:30 now and the fucking power washer just started back up. What, are they going to do this until dark? This has got to piss off even those who don’t usually mind noise. And Tom describes this neighborhood as typical? I’m sorry but this isn’t “typical.” This is a genuine noise curse on me. The only thing I can say that was worse about Phoenix is that the noise often extended into the night. You won’t have parties going until midnight here, and Fido won’t break out in a barking fit at 3 AM either.

Got the pond sticker and it’s way nicer than I thought it would be. I love it! It’s got 10 fish, 3 water lilies, and 3 large leaves, one with a frog on it, and is surrounded by rocks. Tom helped me apply it on the master bathroom floor. It looks more 3-D the further you stand from it and that way you also don’t see the texture of the floor.

FRIDAY, JULY 28, 2017
Weight’s down from 154.4 to 152.1. I still say I won’t lose much more than a few more pounds, and they’ll eventually work their way back no matter what I do… as always.

Sometimes I feel like life is one big waiting game and I’m just doing my best to keep myself entertained until I get to the end result… death. While I love doing the things I do, sometimes I long for a break from the same old, same old. But just what that break should be, I’m not sure. I’ve done so many things in life and I’ve been to so many places that there really isn’t much new to explore unless it’s something I could never afford.

Been keeping busy with Grammarly, correcting old journals, stories, bios and other things. The number of typos and other errors it’s catching is both shocking and disappointing. I realize, though, that with so much content they’re bound to be found.

They came and filled in the asphalt today. I didn’t hear much and I didn’t smell anything. This doesn’t mean it’s always peaceful. Still gotta hear the usual landscaping and traffic. That guy in the loud white pickup has been visiting Geri more, and the guy who had a stroke is having regular company. They’re doing something loud over there right now.

Not too long ago I mentioned the house behind us driving me crazy all day long with cutting trees and shrubs in front of their place. You could barely see their doors or windows because they had become so overgrown. Well, now I could thank them for that annoying day which turned out to be very worth it because it’s backed off the woodpeckers. The wind usually blows toward the back of the house and I was beginning to suspect whatever the woodpeckers were after was coming from their property. I realized yesterday that I hadn’t heard them in a while. Hopefully, they’ll keep up on it and not let it get so overgrown again.

I washed my long hair for the last time in what should be a while as I still plan to get it cut tomorrow.

Using a Rolaids bottle as a mold, Tom made a little cup with some of the dull original colors that the 3D pen came with. The bright green is okay, but I still say the yellow looks like angel hair pasta and the red looks like ketchup. He ordered a better variety of filament colors, including my favorites, pink and purple.

I had a dream that Tom and I were in Mexico and they were going to execute Nane. An English-speaking guy was cutting a hole in a hardwood floor which was where she would be buried. Whether she would be buried under the floor alive or not, I didn’t know. I was suddenly very worried and concerned for Nane and asked Tom if he thought Nane knew what was about to happen to her or not. He didn’t know.

In another dream, I stepped outdoors somewhere in the woods. I smiled at a woman I passed, then realized I didn’t have a bra on. I wondered if she noticed this as they bounced beneath my gray long-sleeved sweatshirt. I began to run down a dirt road, amazed at my speed. Eventually, I came to a curve in the road in a more secluded area. The wind picked up so fiercely that it was whipping dirt in my face and I could barely move forward.

THURSDAY, JULY 27, 2017
The “neck knockers” have returned. I wonder if this means my BP is up. I’ll have Tom take my BP when he gets home. I don’t think I’ve been active enough lately due to the heat. I will force myself on this boring skier soon enough.

Aly’s apparently pissed at Kim. Even though she doesn’t have it in her to name names, I know that’s who she’s talking about, especially due to the lack of communication between the two of them. Her complaint is that Kim acts like Aly’s bothering her when she contacts her, but then throws a fit when she’s quiet for a few days. Yeah, that’s something crazy Kim would do. Still, I don’t feel the least bit sorry for Aly. Kim is her karma, although they do still follow some of each other’s fan accounts.

The more I think about it, the more I’m sure that Aly has my username filtered out. She wouldn’t have this much discipline in her to read and not reply to at least some of my tweets. She never could ignore Molly for this long. Also, I still say that if she knew of my account, she would flag it to Kim who would, in turn, block it. So no more tweeting to her since I’m likely only talking to myself. Plus, I really do need to move on.

Sure enough, the workers were here yesterday to annoy me with their loud equipment on top of the loud traffic. So, done by Monday or Tuesday my ass. Things didn’t quiet down until early evening. It was like OMG! Never have I lived in a place where there were so fucking many loud vehicles. Yesterday a worker told me that that was it for them and today another company will come and fill in the asphalt. Really hope they make it out today instead of waiting until I sleep late enough to be woken up.

So what will the next project be, who will do it, and how long will it last? I doubt I’ll even make it much more than a week or two before the next annoyance around here hits. Not that regular traffic and landscaping sounds aren’t more than I need to hear. Then beginning at 6 PM it’s loud car stereo time from just outside the park. There’s always something to listen to here, but I’ve totally given up hope of ever finding a quiet place to live. Like I said, if you haven’t found it in 30 years and an adult community, it doesn’t exist. At least not for me. It seems we all have some things that are meant to be no matter what while others are not meant to be. Well, I wasn’t meant to live in peace any more than I was meant to be tall.

I won CampNaNo yesterday going nearly 1000 words over my goal, which I set low at 15K words. November’s NaNo is the big hard-count of 50K words. Whether or not I’ll jump in depends on what ideas I may have at the time. It better be one hell of an idea too, because I don’t normally have the patience for 50K words.

Tammy congratulated me on the win, and while I don’t know why, this put a big smile on my face. I would still continue on my merry way spinning my tall tales even if no one ever said a word, but I guess congrats and encouragement are always nice from those we’re close to.

My Blogger blog hit 50K all-time page views. The stats don’t list every single country, browser and operating system to ever access my blog, but it lists those in the lead. Germany remains the runner-up country. Nane? Christiane?

I’m now down 2 pounds, but I still have to see myself lose more than just a few pounds to believe it. Then again, Tom has always had a very slow metabolism all his life, even when he was young. For him, it takes very few calories to maintain a healthy weight. This is part of why he has a low HR. He’s lost about 15 pounds in three months, but he has a lot more to lose than I do.

I was just the opposite when I was younger. I couldn’t gain weight for the most part if I tried, and keeping over 100 pounds was very hard to do.

I was definitely eating 200-300 more calories than I thought I was. It’s human nature to overestimate things, I think. Chances are you’re eating more than you realize, things aren’t as bad or good as you think they are, and you’re probably not as smart as you think you are either. :-)

I used that coloring shampoo yesterday and it’s WAY better than regular dye! It doesn’t stink as bad since it’s ammonia-free, and it only takes 10 minutes instead of the 20-40 minutes regular dye takes. I can tell it’s going to be much gentler on my hair. It still can be messy and stain the skin like regular dye, though.

Now that I know what product is best to use for hair coloring, and since my hair is so damaged, I’ve decided that this weekend I’m going to go get it cut to the shoulders. So I’ll be cutting about 10” off. The last time I cut it to the shoulder was two 2 years and 2 months ago. So, in the summer of 2019, it should be a lot healthier at this length than it is now. I usually cut it to the shoulders and let it grow till it hits my ass. This takes about 4 years.

Last night I dreamed I was staying in a hotel with Tammy and some other woman. There was a radio in the room playing music too loud and I was trying to figure out how to turn it down so I could hear Tammy and the other woman speaking.

I was in a house that was so remote that I suddenly felt vulnerable when I was alone, and then in the last dream, I was going through old photographs of estranged family members such as Lori and Lisa. I was going to dump the pictures right then and there, but then for some reason, I decided to wait until I was 70 years old before I dumped them.

TUESDAY, JULY 25, 2017
I’ve lost a pound so far, but I expect the rest to come off very slowly if they even come off at all. It should take years to do this method, but I’m in no hurry. Doing this has gotten me to see that I was definitely eating more than I realized. I was probably closer to 2000 calories a day as opposed to 1500.

Still feeling calm and sleeping well, although last night I did awake with a nightmare. Tom and I were giving me an injection of some kind. I hesitated and wondered if we should tell the doctor something up front, though I was not sure what I wanted to tell them. But we went ahead and injected whatever it was and it made my heart race. I woke up with my heart racing a little for real and felt warm too, but I settled down and returned to sleep after I used the bathroom.

Dr. G responded to my message and said to stop using the steroid gel and we’ll reevaluate the situation when I see her, saying that every now and then it can cause inflammation of the skin. NOW she tells me, but yeah, I stopped last week. I could tell it was caused by the gel, just like I could tell the thyroid meds were causing me to feel anxious.

Tom’s 3-D pen came yesterday and it’s pretty cool. He did a little tree his first time around and it was funny because the bottom was bright lime green while the top was the color of pasta and tomato sauce. It was funny because it almost looked like a clump of angel hair pasta that someone squirted ketchup on. He’s got more filament with more colors arriving today, along with my dark brown Swarzstar coloring shampoo. It’s supposed to be a lot easier to use, a lot less messy, a lot quicker, and a lot gentler on the hair.

The reason it was so quiet here yesterday was that the workers were finishing up further down the street. Tuesdays are usually bad for landscaping, though, so I’m sure I’ll hear enough of that at some point. I’ve already heard some things around here.

I also had a dream that Bill was still alive and about to divorce my sister. The girls were the age they are in real life but were living with them. Sarah seemed really down one day and I asked her what was up.

“This is about your father, right?”

Then she was in my arms sobbing.

Then there was some woman that I “trapped” in a sleeping bag. I guess she had been sleeping in or around our property. One time I found her asleep in her sleeping bag inside the house. Although I couldn’t see the woman because the sleeping bag was huge and covering her, it was unzipped. I slowly zipped it up. The woman began to stir and I was trying hard to hold the sleeping bag in one hand and squeeze the shit out of her with the other.

“Hey!” I called to Tom, hoping he would come and hold the bag so I could kick it silly. But he never answered and the dream ended with me calling for him.

MONDAY, JULY 24, 2017
“Ever heard of Swarzstar?” Tom asked me via Skype.

No, I haven’t. But I do know that “swarz” means black in German. So I asked him why he was asking and he said he was telling a lady at work about how we stripped the dye out of my hair and all that. She told him she uses Swarzstar because it’s like a shampoo that you just wash your hair with. Looked it up on Amazon. It’s got good reviews. It doesn’t stain the skin or take as long as regular dye to use. They only had black or dark brown. I would have preferred medium brown but dark brown will do. Going to try it.

Still haven’t decided whether or not I’m going to cut it to my shoulders. I know I will eventually because there are only so many years I can stand to have it so long. The question is when. It’s pretty damaged.

We may have to call them out to tune up our air conditioner soon. It really struggles on triple-digit days. I keep it at 78° when I’m awake, which means that it turns on and off more often the hotter it gets, and that’s what puts a strain on it and causes the compressor to seize up. Too bad I don’t like it at 76°, but that’s a little too chilly for me unless I’m sleeping, working out or doing something physical.

The electric bill just came. $191. Yup, shoulda replaced the windows, but oh well. Still beats the $450 electric bills we would get down in Arizona.

Not that I would ever complain about peace and quiet, but why has it been so quiet today? I thought the workers were supposed to return to finish the irrigation project. If they have, they sure are going about it quietly.

That really loud car is out of work today. I hope that’s not going to be a regular thing because then I’ll have to go back to listening to it come and go 4-5 times a day instead of 2.

Since it’s been successful for Tom, and it’s actually what most doctors recommend, I’ve decided to go on a diet that isn’t really a diet, but more like a healthy lifestyle change. For the most part, I eat healthily. But I was still having a few hundred more calories than I should, so what you do is you pick an ideal weight and you eat the number of calories necessary to maintain that particular weight. This way you don’t have to practically starve yourself by cutting your calories really low. 1000 calories a day just isn’t sustainable. It would work and quickly too, but the suffering along the way isn’t worth it. Better to go the slow, less torturous way. It may take me a year to lose 10 pounds and 10 pounds may be all I’ll ever lose, but even just that is fine with me, and I’m not in any hurry. So… 1500 calories a day it is! I just have to be sure to do it every single day without taking any breaks, days off or deviating from this plan in any way. I can assure you that 1500 calories is a lot more doable than 1000 and even 1200. On top of a reasonable amount of food that’s not so little that I’m going to be a lightheaded grump with a growling belly, but also not so much that it’s unhealthy and guaranteed to keep my weight up, I keep active as well.

The biggest and best thing is that I haven’t had one single shred of anxiety. I always knew that the main culprit was my being overly sensitive to the thyroid meds, and I don’t care what anyone says. I know my mind/body. So does my hubby. :-) I still think I can take it every day once I hit menopause. Someday we’ll find out for sure.

I spent all day yesterday playing with Grammarly. It’s not perfect but it’s definitely better than a regular text editor. I’ve gone through everything on Blogger, and now I’m working on my Prosebox entries, but only stuff that’s public. Going to be rechecking stories as well.

This morning I got an email from Grammarly that said:

PRODUCTIVITY

You were more productive than
99% of Grammarly users.

ACCURACY

You were more accurate than
99% of Grammarly users.

VOCABULARY

You used more unique words than
99% of Grammarly users.

I seriously hope I’m that good! I’m a professional writer after all. :-)

SUNDAY, JULY 23, 2017
Grammarly is a totally awesome extension that really helps eliminate many of the typos and missing words caused by using speech to text as I’ve been addictively using it for a while now. I’ve been systematically going through old entries as well as other things that are private. After I run it through some journals, I’ll do some stories as well.

Speaking of stories, I went to reset my story account PW but never got the email with the instructions to do so. Hopefully, I’ll get that soon enough.

We stripped the dye out of my hair, and wow! I’ve forgotten how much lighter my natural color really is. I usually dye it dark brown, but it’s a light to medium brown. I’m also not as gray as I thought I was. I’m somewhere between 20% and 25%. Definitely going to re-dye it so that I get a more even color from now on. I’m not sure yet if I’m going to cut it off first. It’s pretty fried, so we’ll see.

I don’t know why they waited this late in the summer to send us this (maybe someone complained), but we received a list of the new pool rules. I’m kind of pissed too, because they extended the kids’ hours from 1:00 to 2:00. Do they not realize that some of us come here to get away from them and their ear-splitting noise? They should have two pools here, one being totally childless.

We went to Raley’s to get a form notarized yesterday, and I got an awesome serving tray with a picture of watermelon slices that’s so nice. Don’t know what I’m going to use it for since I don’t entertain and I’m not a foodie, but I’ll think of something.

For just $20 Tom is getting a 3-D pen. According to the YouTube videos we saw, it looks like it might be kind of fun.

I had a dream I was swimming somewhere, and then I got out of the pool and walked up to a nearby fast food place. I realized that my flip-flops were on the counter that a guy was trying to wipe down, so I took them off and stepped into them, having a hard time getting them to fit.

Once I finally got the flip-flops on, I decided I wanted to get in the soda line. Not realizing it had gotten so long so fast, a girl I almost cut in front of said something like, “Hey, I’m here.”

So then I went to the end of the line and soon became aggravated by how long people were taking to get their drinks. I shouted, “Just get your drinks and go!” lol, I guess I was totally out of patience.

SATURDAY, JULY 22, 2017
Got up early today, changed the rats’ cage, then went bike riding with Tom. I spotted Janice and Carolyn along the way, then Virginia sitting out front on the way back.

I totally hate the hell out of these bikes! His seat kept falling and my gears were all messed up. Of all the different size wheels I’ve had on bikes, 24” is the best. 26” is too high for me and makes the bike practically fly. But 20” underpowers the bike. I shouldn’t have to pedal going downhill.

It’s a lovely time of year. Full, leafy trees, and flowers of all kinds and colors. Not a fan of daffodils and marigolds, but I like most of what I see around here.

After we got groceries I did a load of laundry, worked on my book, did a little coloring, and watched some of my show (season 12 of Criminal Minds), and I’m going to be taking it easy for the most part today.

Hopefully, the weekend will be peaceful, since Monday the irrigation people are coming back to annoy us with their insanely loud machinery. When they dropped those heavy metal plates onto the road before they left yesterday, I could feel them shake the entire place even though I had headphones on with blasting music.

Didn’t sleep as well last night, though I’m still sleeping well overall. I’m not sure if the Amberen has been helping at all, but just in case it is (along with skipping levothyroxine doses), I ordered another month’s supply on Amazon for half of what it costs at Walgreens, along with a Barbie coloring book.

Last night I woke up often enough to remember some dreams. Kathleen was in one of them. Something about me showing her my “universe,” which seemed to be something on my phone. But the phone was plugged into a wall and I couldn’t get it to reach where she was standing.

Then I was staying in a hotel with Marie and I think someone else as well. Not sure what the occasion was but I told her I was going to go out and feed the fish. She said okay from another room. I told her I loved her and she said she loved me too.

As I approached the door to go out I found an old scrap of paper on the floor. Then I opened the room and found the housekeeper and her cart just outside the door. I looked for a place to dump the paper, but couldn’t find a trash container on the cart. So I began to walk down the hall and the housekeeper, who might not have spoken English, came up behind me. I thought she was going to take and dump the piece of paper for me, but instead, she thrust a dollar bill into my hand.

FRIDAY, JULY 21, 2017
Not surprisingly, I have no apparent Arizona visitors, and I never heard from Scott. No way to know if he saw my message or checked out my blog undetected, but that’s okay. I said what was on my mind and now it’s time to move on. I haven’t looked in on him today and I likely never will again. Even if he’s not a pig, he’s connected to them. Besides, he was never a friend.

It totally pisses me off that I still have random burning in the crotch. All these months of treatment and I still have issues. When can I ever get permanent relief? Seriously, I’m still waiting for one of my doctors other than my dentist to help me. Really, really help me.

We’re going to take about $600 from the 401 so that if there is an emergency with the roof this winter, we don’t have to wait to get the money. We’ll have it readily available in case we need to have them patch it up until we’re ready to deal with it. Hopefully, it will hold up until then. We just don’t want to get a regular roof, then find out a year later that the solar things are flourishing and saving people tons of money. Especially since I still think we’ll be here until he retires. Even if he retires at 66, that’s more time than we’ve already been here.

“Anyone can experience mental health problems, no matter how good or bad life may appear. You should not compare your experience to others.”

This was written by a fellow blogger. Well, as I learned once I entered perimenopause, no, something bad doesn’t have to be going on in life in order for you to feel bad. Fortunately, though, I’ve been doing well since cutting back the thyroid meds, something I may have to do every few months as accumulation occurs, until menopause.

My only real complaint today is what I’ve been complaining about for most of my adult life… noise. I talked to one of the workers and he said they should be done by Tuesday at the latest. Yeah, but then the park or someone else around here will just go and do something else. It’s just fucking ridiculous that at age 51, I still haven’t found a peaceful place to live. If you can’t find it in an adult community, where can you find it? I totally believe without a doubt that my quest for a peaceful place to live is forever out of reach. That’s gotten way beyond obvious at this point, so I might as well be open to apartments and condos as well as houses in the future. Sure, some places are certainly worse than others. Norwich was worse than Klamath Falls, and Phoenix was worse than here. But noise is noise in the end and I’m obviously not going to escape it no matter where I live. Rural, city, suburbs… it’ll follow me anywhere.

The loudest part of this irrigation project has definitely been when they cut holes in the road. But then they have something that makes a low grinding, rumbling sound that they run on and off.

It’s just bullshit. Totally ridiculous that there’s always something going on no matter where I go, but I might as well just accept it, embrace it, and get used to it because it ain’t going away.

Finally decided to check out what Friday’s Boats on the Lake is all about, but when I rode down there nothing was going on. Some people were sitting on the bench and others were hanging by their cars, but it was too hot to wait around. Fortunately, I have very strong legs and I was able to pedal back here in just a few minutes despite the hilly terrain, probably faster than the speed limit here allows for.

Another thing to piss me off was that my bike is fucked up. The gears kept clicking and slipping. Oh, to have the address of the person who stole my beautiful Cruiser!

Other than noisy projects and faulty gears, life is running smoothly. Not sure what we’re doing this weekend.

Except for a few days since starting the Amberen nearly a month ago, I’ve slept well. Not sure if there’s a connection or not or if I’m going to get another month’s supply. I have another week to decide. But yeah, I’m sleeping so much better I barely remember my dreams anymore.

THURSDAY, JULY 20, 2017
Found Scot B online who’s now living in Scottsdale and has himself listed as a “former sex education teacher,” LOL. Wasn’t sure it was him at first not only because of that because he doesn’t have many pictures of himself visible. I sent him the message below. Why? Just because I can. Just because I couldn’t resist, and well, I’m not doing anything wrong. I read it multiple times and I don’t see anything that could get me in trouble in any way. I wasn’t kidding when I said I wouldn’t let anyone scare me from speaking. So, even though I can’t see any way that this will come back to harm me, if I’m wrong, trouble for me means more trouble for him. He just wouldn’t know that until it was too late. Then again, maybe he won’t see it if he doesn’t check his ‘recent requests.’

He seems to hate Muslims as much as I do, but I don’t know about blacks, especially since he’s got a picture of himself as a little boy with O.J. Simpson. He and his little brother are with him in the picture. Going by the fact that most people don’t mind blacks, I doubt he has anything against them, even though he doesn’t appear to have any black friends.

So here’s my message:

Former sex ed teacher? LOL, good one, Scot. Don’t know if you remember me, but I totally agree with your stance on Muslims, based on your memes, and I’ve absolutely had it with political correctness and all that BS, including race card players that are never happy no matter how many rights and exceptions we give them.

Am I a police supporter? Well, not in the sense that you are, of course, after all that was done to me and all the corruption going on, but I do believe that most of the shootings that have taken place were indeed justified. I’ll never understand people at times. They hate gays when all they want is equality, but will be quick to let you have it if you have anything negative to say about Muslims, or blacks that get shot for brandishing weapons at the police. Go figure. Kudos to those in law enforcement that can do their job by the book without all the macho crap and bullying that doesn’t scare or intimidate some of us, and that can keep in mind that they’re just as human as the rest of us. Not these invincible gods.

Quick memory refresher: I’m the one who had black welfare bums living next door who wouldn’t shut up and stop trashing our yard… fighting adults, drug deals, wild kids, crazy dogs, unauthorized residents/citizens, etc. Hubby lodged a city complaint, but it was me they were after because I was the one who spoke with them the most. Unbeknownst to me, they were buddies with a cop, also black, who typed a threatening letter and got my fingerprints on it during interrogation.

After I was vindicated, we left the state. I felt like a sitting duck and figured it may only be a matter of time before the “victim” and her connections came after me again. So here I am 14 years and 2 states later a published author and part-time detective who works independently, with Hashimoto’s disease. The world is too big to spend it in one place anyway and this will not be our last stop. But yeah, Arizona loves you as long as you’re not white, Jewish or gay, and I have a feeling that you agree that even if I’d been 100% guilty of what I was convicted of, the sentence I got was utterly ridiculous. Hell, rapists and wife-beaters don’t even get as harsh a sentence.

Did I ever really hate blacks? No, I didn’t. They chose to make it about race when in fact it was about THEM and their behavior. It seems that ever since the LA Riots of ‘92, crying racism has been the in thing to do, whether the claims are real or false, so in time my view of them has been tarnished a bit, but I do keep in mind that there are good and bad in all kinds. Sometimes we really do give people reasons not to like us by the way we treat them. Sadly, many people will do what they can in order to get what they want without a care in the world as to how it may affect others. I don’t think my tormentors realize just how much havoc they wreaked upon me in the heat of their animosity, spite and vindictiveness. But for me it isn’t what you are, it’s who you are. In the end, ALL lives matter. :)

To the best of my knowledge, the cop involved was eventually booted from the PD that falsified evidence against me and led me to believe I was being charged/convicted for journals I’d written, not a letter. I’m sure I wasn’t the only one he used and abused the law against either. I don’t doubt that there were numerous complaints over the years. I was never compensated in any way, not that you can put a price on what I went through. I totally regret not running. I won’t kid you there. For years I feared they’d hunt me down and come after me, and I still have nightmares about them all these years later, but I vowed not to live in fear cuz of these nutjobs.

I realize that as a PO you didn’t have the kind of power and control a cop or a judge may have, but I thank you just the same for putting in the good words for me in the end that enabled me to finally get on with my life. I promised myself I would never let what happened stop me from saying anything I have to say, or let anyone violate my civil rights to free nonthreatening and legal speech just because some people may not want to hear it. I was naïve to the law at the time, they knew it, and they took advantage of it. Had I known then what I know now they never would have stood a chance. But now I live a comfortable life in an upscale retirement community and I haven’t had any problems since. I’ve been cyberstalked at times and I suspect they’re behind some of it, but there are worse things than being followed around online.

Hope you don’t mind my saying hello and sharing this with you, for whatever it may or may not be worth, and even though we can’t undo the past. Take care!

Scheduled a GYN appointment for August 15. Now I just have to hope I don’t have too much burning down there until then.

Arizona Republican Senator John McCain has been diagnosed with a brain tumor. Hard to feel sorry for someone who openly hated gays and women as he always has.

“The Juice will be loose to kill again by October,” Scott added to the picture of him about an hour ago.

I knew that fucking bastard would get out eventually. But of course, if the piece of shit was white it would stand no chance.

Based on some of his memes about not caring about protests and not being able to take the hood out of a hood rat (in reference to a black tennis player), maybe he does hate blacks as well as Muslims. I can just imagine what he must think about gays.

He’s a Trump supporter, not surprisingly. If I had to guess, he probably even hates women. Maybe not enough to turn to men for sex, but I have a feeling he really only likes straight white men. He does have an Asian friend, though.

Anyway, if he noticed my message, I don’t know. I shared his “Fuck Islam” meme. It will be interesting to see if he shows up on my tracker, but I would be willing to guess he’s probably a hider.

He’s a good writer, which kind of surprises me. I just wouldn’t have thought that proper spelling and grammar would be his thing. He seems to be in and out of Facebook all day. Just what is he doing these days to have this much free time? Is he still a PO?

I’m about 3000 words away from winning CampNaNo. :-)

The park has been like it usually is in the daytime, noisy. The irrigation project hasn’t been as noisy as I thought it would be, though. I mean, it’s not peaceful but it could be worse.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 19, 2017
I don’t understand myself at times. Sometimes sleeping at 75° with the fan blaring on me doesn’t cool me down enough. Yet last time around I go to sleep at 76° and end up so chilly I have to turn the fan off. Go figure.

I was standing at the back corner of the house looking down the street and all the shit going on in the street yesterday morning when an orange SUV I’ve known to reside at the back corner of the circle stopped to ask me what was going on.

The driver introduced herself as Mary. She looked to be around 65-70. I told her I called the office this morning and Joy told me they’re working on the final phase of an irrigation overhaul that’s been going on for the last four years. It should take a week and a half to complete. I figured it had something to do with water and that it wouldn’t take just a day or two.

Late last night Tom took a walk to see what we could see. There are some heavy metal sheets covering the holes they dug out and some orange cones. At one of the cones, there’s a pile of dirt sitting on a sheet of plastic. When I went out walking tonight I noticed they put a little outhouse up the hill just past the Twenties.

Amazingly enough, I’ve still been able to sleep okay (they start early and finish late). The only time it gets loud is when they’re cutting the holes, which doesn’t take long and there aren’t too many anyway. I could see a plume of street dust being kicked up when the guy was cutting the hole just beyond Bob and Virginia’s place. Not wanting to stink of tar, I ran indoors.

Even though it hasn’t been as insanely loud as when they cut trees down, it’s annoying enough. As I told Joy, it’s really a shame that nearly every single day I have to hear something loud going on around here. I love the park otherwise (where else can I run around at midnight and feel safe?), but the noise levels do get ridiculous at times. Definitely not what I would have expected in a retirement community.

Mary asked if I liked it here and I told her yes and no. It was funny because she said, “Wow, it’s so quiet where I live that I feel like I’m in a morgue. Then again I have the cemetery behind me.”

LOL, yes, I know exactly where she is. She’s in a much quieter location than we are, even though I could walk to her place in just a few minutes. The way she’s situated not only against the cemetery but further back from a road that gets much less traffic, and nestled sort of behind a garage and thick brush, would certainly make it quieter.

Most importantly, I’ve been feeling good for the most part. Anxiety has mostly been at a minimum and I’m still hoping that menopause is near. I’m a little surprised my cycles didn’t stop last year, especially since they started young.

I was reading more on perimenopause, and the article that lists the symptoms could have been written by me… Unexplainable feelings of doom and gloom, extreme worrying, random crying fits, feeling like you’re losing your mind… Yes, I’ve gone through this at one time or another along the way.

The weather’s been hot and dry. Late at night, it’s gorgeous, but come early morning it can be chilly.

MONDAY, JULY 17, 2017
Almost every day for the last six weeks I’ve suffered some degree of anxiety. How am I supposed to believe this will ever end someday? Really, REALLY disappointed that the extra skips haven’t helped, but then it has lessened it a little bit. I haven’t had the runs, and the anxiety could be more intense without skipping.

Oh, to go back to the days when I didn’t worry about racing hearts, waves of anxiety, and waking up with nightmares, hot flashes and racing hearts! But that version of me is forever gone. The me that once took dangerous drugs (theophylline, steroids, etc.) without a fear in the world.

So many questions. Will this really ever and with my cycles? How many more years will it take? Will I ever be able to tolerate my medication full-time? Will I just go into a whole new problem if this one ever ends?

Most of my long-term problems seem to last 4 to 7 years. So I guess I’ve got 1 to 4 more years to go? I haven’t taken lorazepam since the 5th, but I might when he leaves or when I go to bed.

I was relatively free of anxiety yesterday, but I haven’t slept well the last couple of days. Figured sleeping better was going to end sooner or later. A couple of hours after I fell asleep I woke up to what I thought was banging. My first thought was that it was Monday, he was at work, and they finally came to dig up the road behind the house. So I got up to pee as my pounding heart slowly settled back down, then remembered that it was still Sunday, Tom was still at home, and I could just step outside the bedroom and ask if there had been any banging. He was sitting right there at his desk and assured me there hadn’t been. So if it wasn’t something on the other side of the house that only I could hear, I guess I was having some weird dreams.

I got a cute floor sticker of a pond with fish that’s about 35” x 22” on the way to me. The plan is to put it in my bathroom with the only potential problem being the textured floor ruining its effect and overall look. I should research some kind of floor filler.

I’m surprised my little tube of scar gel hasn’t run out yet, but I’m still going to use it all up even though I really don’t think my scars are going to fade any more than they already have. So they’re less noticeable but still noticeable. Really wish I’d turned my anger outward instead of inward, even if that might’ve cost me more of what little freedom I had. But I wasn’t who I am now in my teens. I handled things very differently back then, often being afraid to confront others or to voice my feelings. Now, though, I’m not going to hold back no matter what you may have over my head, no matter what kind of hold you may have on me, no matter what your job is, no matter what your connections are, and furthermore, I don’t care if you’ve got several inches and several pounds on me. If I’ve got something to say it I’m definitely going to say it, and if anything ever amounts to violence, it isn’t going to be against me.

Later…

About a week ago I saw a news clip on Facebook that someone commented on about a 19-year-old girl in El Salvador who was thrown in prison for 30 years for giving birth to a stillborn that she supposedly failed to get prenatal care for, not that she could afford it. There’s lots of gang activity there and she says she was raped by a gang member but didn’t even know she was pregnant until she gave birth. I don’t know if I buy that she didn’t know she was pregnant, but it’s a heartbreaking, sickening and even scary story when you think about it. It’s one thing to be aghast and shocked at some of the twisted, backward, cruel, barbaric and just downright wrong laws from hundreds of years ago. But this is 2017! If humanity is still this dumb, this fucked up, this controlling, this twisted, and this misguided in this day and age, it will never change. Ever.

Look how long it took to repeal the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy that the military had. Why does it take so damn long, if ever, for people to do what’s so obviously correct??? A hundred years ago it was perfectly legal for a man to kill his wife if he wanted to for she was viewed as his property and little more. We finally came to see the insanity in that, so why can’t we do the same with the overall treatment of gays and learn to stay the hell out of what should be a woman’s own personal decision?

Even girls as young as 10 years old get thrown in prison for having miscarriages. Are the El Salvadorian lawmakers really too stupid to get just how common miscarriages are, even if you’ve got money to take good care of yourself? Or is it really just that much fun to make people miserable? Does it make them feel powerful to control the lives of others like they do?

If we were to free everybody that’s in prison right now that shouldn’t be, the prison population would be cut in half. Of course, it would just go right back up if we threw those in prison that actually should be there.

Instead of wasting time running to the hospital whenever they get a call about a woman who’s come in bleeding because she was forced to perform her own abortion, why don’t they round up some of the gang members the put them in that position to begin with?

If this story is as true as it seems and her sentence isn’t reversed real soon, she wasn’t just raped by the animal that raped her, but the monster basically ended her life as well. This poor girl may not be released until she’s my age. I can’t imagine having been in prison since I was 19 years old. How do you cope? How do you survive? I know people can be resilient and adapt to situations they’re forced into, but still… Now she’ll never have any kids she may actually want, assuming that the rape baby was her first, and what will she do went she gets out? I don’t know how career-focused the women of El Salvador are, but what kind of job do you get when you’re older but not old enough to retire?

These days most people will be quick to argue and even get defensive and angry if anyone dares insist that whites are the supreme being. Well, white people have made plenty of stupid laws before, but when you think of the places where the laws are the most radical, sexist and extreme, and where there tends to be more gangs, war and violence, it isn’t in countries that are predominantly white. So yeah, maybe there really is a “better” color.

Later…

There goes my crotch burning again. It seems like the longer I go without steroids, the more it burns. The question is, is this as bad as it will get? And how long after treatment will this go on? Tomorrow’s steroid treatment day. Also, once the office opens in the morning, I’ll make an appointment with Dr. G for after August 1st.

At 9:30 yesterday morning I noticed a truck that might’ve said “trenches” on it, and some workers in neon green shirts. I thought, oh fuck! They’re going to start digging up the roads when I need to go to bed. I knew all those colored markings and flags weren’t there for decoration. While there were the usual loud landscaping sounds spoiling the peace, and I thought I heard some loud equipment rumbling over the sound of the fan and sound machine, I slept from about noon until almost 8 PM. So if they did anything, I don’t know exactly what they did. I just wonder how much louder it will get and how long it will take.

I love it when some less-than-brilliant straight people refer to gays as an “alternative” lifestyle. The only “alternative” to being straight/gay/bi is seeking and accepting exactly what you don’t want.

Tom has several skin tags and I have just one underneath my arm. I read that apple cider vinegar dissolves skin tags. Doubtful, because so many home remedies don’t work, I decided to give it a try anyway, and sure enough, the skin tag has definitely shrunk. I’ve done it twice so far yet I noticed a difference after just one treatment. Before showering, I soaked a cotton ball in the vinegar and held it under my arm with one hand while I brushed my teeth with the other.

SUNDAY, JULY 16, 2017
Love that I found a way to block people that have blocked me on Facebook! Didn’t know they had mutual blocking. Now if Andy, Maliheh, Lisa and a few others ever decide to unblock me, they still won’t see my profile, as private as most of it is, much less be able to contact me.

I looked in on Lisa’s account through Tom’s account so I could make sure I was blocking the right Lisa G. She recently updated her profile picture to show her happily dancing away with Bill at some function in which both were dressed up. WTF? Just WTF? My first thought was, could she have lied about him abusing her? She really did seem to be telling the truth at the time and he always struck me as the abusive type, too. So… I don’t understand. The aunt you think gave your grandparents the wrong date as to when you started talking to her is unforgivable, but not the man who slapped you around and taunted you so much about your weight that you turned to drugs and bulimia? He’s just wonderful? How and when did he become such a great guy, I wonder?

I just don’t get human behavior at times. People in general seem to be much more unforgiving as opposed to forgiving. Yet it seems that the more abusive you are to my sister, and apparently her daughter too, the more likely you are to be forgiven. I thought I was one of the most unforgiving people on the planet, but I see I still have a ways to go before I catch up to others. I’m getting there, though. Believe me, I would love to not give a shit about those who don’t give a shit about me even more so, and I would love to harden my heart and hold enough of a grudge to ignore anyone who wanted to put the past in the past and move on. But sadly, I would probably at least agree to talk to Aly, Maliheh and Nane if they wanted to talk, not that they ever would.

SATURDAY, JULY 15, 2017
Here’s what Dee, Leslie’s crazy mother, wrote to me on 07/15/2016:

Just to let you know, we took pictures of all the slander. Also looking at the cage due to you not using right litter that we asked you to buy, within 2 weeks your babies will start getting sick, and the felt, when they per on it, they chance getting merca, a respiratory illness that will shorten their lives. They are not potty trained yet. Due to the stress you caused my autistic daughter, and your post showed I told you and you don’t believe it, I am seeking a restraining order and a cease and desist. When you know someone has a disability, and you pop up on her face, And send slandering remarks to her about the one thing she loves, there’s a crime,crimes against the disabled. You also criticized my grandbabies. I’m also a veteran and you triggered my PTSD. So you may have changed your blog, but I had my daughter print them out right away. Sadly,your rat’s will be sick because you chose not to listen. I feel sorry about your neighbors you blog about, and I hope your period gets better. Yes, I read all you sent to my child. The sheriff is reviewing our stuff, and in court you can invade my daughters life of living with autism, and about why I’m a disabled vet. I feel sorry for you. Don’t point fingers till you look at yourself. I’m asking you to leave us alone. Im printing this for the sheriff, and I will keep calling for Tom to get back the rate that you lied about. Our sheriff friend also knows these rats, and saw pictures of my grandbabies They were scared from the move. Let Tom know I need to reach him, and I would like him to see the 14ths morning post before you changed it. We copied it all. We love our rats,as do my grandbabies. We will take them back and you can go to a pet store.

My reply:

You are a persistent little one, aren’t you? Yeah, playing peekaboo on me now. But since you’re just full of silly threats and senseless words as of yet and haven’t hunted us down to beat us up or anything, I’ll refrain from sending an officer to your door to talk to you about how being in business may not be right for you. You see, all businesses are bound to get negative reviews at times. It just goes with the territory. But if you can’t handle honest and legal reviews, then perhaps a career change is in order? Just something to think about. :) People aren’t “lying” to you. They’re giving you their honest opinion about doing business with you.

Also, do be informed that I’ve been blogging regularly since 2008 and always keep on blogger’s rights/laws. In no way shape or form have I broken any laws. If I had I’d already have been arrested or summoned. This country is very word-sensitive and takes written material quite seriously. I never use last names. Ever. But first names are legal and so are businesses that are a matter of public information. Comprendeme? So subpoena away, Mommy Dearest, but do know you’ll never get that day in court you so desire. Nor will you get these adorable, lovable rats back who are adjusting nicely, are potty trained, and are learning a host of other things as well.

As for whomever it was that said the autism was no one’s business… then why’d you tell us in the parking lot?

Ok, you have read the last you’re ever going to read about yourselves so long as you don’t ever come to our door or harm us. I have given you the benefit of removing your daughter’s first name and the abbreviated business name, even though I don’t owe you that much and it wasn’t illegal.

Now, here’s what you can and cannot do in the future. You can read my blog all you want and print away to your little heart’s desire. But you cannot and will not ever again contact my husband or me by any means possible. There will be no phone calls. There will be no email. There will be no comments or messages on any other website, including this one. No contact means NO CONTACT. We want absolutely nothing to do with you and you have been a closed chapter in our lives and will stay that way. Now stop playing victim and move on!

Love this site I found that lets you send anonymous email without asking for your own email address. I tested it on myself and it came right to my inbox. As long as they see it, the crazy war vet and its equally nutty daughter will still get my year-late reply, which I made some minor edits to. Then Andy, Nane, Tammy and Maliheh can be surprised as well, LOL. Sure wish I knew more people’s email addies!

Happy 71st birthday, Linda Ronstadt. Haven’t been into celebs since the 90s, and while you sometimes came off as a bitch in some of your interviews, you have a great voice that has produced many a great album. Your music gave me the inspiration to improve my own vocals and much comfort as a child. You were my escape from an abusive mom and enabling dad. I don’t follow what’s going on with you, but I hope life is being kind to you despite having Parkinson’s.

We went swimming just after 9:30 this evening and swam for about a half-hour. We had the whole pool to ourselves. It was so nice. Well, the water was a little chilly until you got used to it, but it was great. I was going to go in the Jacuzzi but found it too hot. Then when I jumped back in the pool it felt like bath water. It was so peaceful and relaxing that if I didn’t have to pee so bad I wouldn’t have gotten out when I did. It was 95° at the time.

Walked around the circle with Tom. Anything further would’ve been too warm. The warm dry air helped my hair dry faster. My skin is dry even with lotion because it’s been so desert-like. The too-young dickhead with the loud car was working under its hood. That place will never sell. The house we can see from here is still up for sale, too. I thought it sold a few months back, but nope. I swear the one next to the family did sell, though, for 95K, yet there’s still a for-sale sign up. I guess the economy is just too good for things to sell that fast.

How many more months will I have to listen to the loud car, though? I appreciate that they’ve been working and only come and go twice during the week instead of 4 or more times like on weekends, but I really wish they’d get the fuck out. Even if there’s a good chance a motorcycle or other loud vehicle will only replace them.

Although I expected it, no one ever came to dig up the roads where they painted various cryptic markings in different colors that probably make sense only to those who painted them.

As for our roofing plans, we’re going to either do it next year or leave it to the next people, but most likely we’ll do it next year. There’s a new kind of solar roofing that is a lot more expensive than regular roofing. If after a year it gains popularity rather than turns out to be a bust, that’s probably what we’ll do the roof with. If worse comes to worst and we go from spots to actual leaks this winter, we’ll call them out to patch the roof till it can be redone.

I was watching a YouTube video about a woman who was a druggie and hanging out with all the wrong men. She claimed she was given a glimpse of hell from God and promised through this “vision” that this would be her eternity if she didn’t change her ways.

I personally think her “glimpse of hell” was likely a drug-induced nightmare, but if any of this were true, isn’t this blackmail? What kind of God gives someone this kind of ultimatum and threatens them like this? If we wouldn’t put up with a fellow human being treating us this way, why is it acceptable if it’s a God that may not even exist?

FRIDAY, JULY 14, 2017
The scented crayons for my group came and I personally think they all smell the same. It’s a nice smell, though, much like a candle shop.

My new shirt arrived as well and at first I was like, whoa, this isn’t tight but it’s clingy! So I got Tom’s opinion on it when he came home and he likes it. It definitely - uhem - shows off the exercise-lifted assets.

Found a really great recorder at https://online-voice-recorder.com and I’m excited to start voice blogging again on Tumblr. The question is whether or not I want to share or keep it to myself. I plan to discuss a mix of past and present experiences, as well as just life in general, assuming I don’t have any tech issues driving me crazy like last time. Since it’s not an all-or-nothing blog like Blogger and it lets me choose the security settings of each individual entry, I may do a mix of public and private stuff.

I guess I’ll start from the past and work my way up to the present which should take several days or even weeks.

Later…

I was all excited about voice blogging again on Tumblr. But then I remembered that this is not only a pain in the ass, but I’m not really a fan of Tumblr. There are too many tech issues with voice blogging. You would think by now it would be pretty simple, but it’s not. I tried a variety of free online recorders and while most of them sound good and work well, it’s a pain in the ass having to download to my computer and then upload to the blog. They have a call-in number for that, but half the time they never get posted. So I asked myself, do I really want to do this? Naw, I don’t think so. Another problem with voice blogging is that I can’t edit things like I can with text. So once again I’m going to put that on the back burner for now.

Another thing going on the back burner will probably be Ask. Since reactivating, I have found it to be totally boring. I’ll either deactivate the account or just leave it sitting there.

Shortly after starting the Amberen on his birthday, I started sleeping great. So much so that I don’t remember my dreams as much. I wonder if there’s a connection? I just wish it did a better job with the anxiety part of it. Oh, I’m still doing better. Better enough not to reach for the lorazepam in 10 days, but sometimes I can still feel it bubbling below the surface.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 12, 2017
Still feeling and sleeping okay. I get a little lightheaded at times, and sometimes my ear bothers me, but that’s about it since cutting back my medication. I knew damn well that’s been the main culprit all along, just as I’ve always said. The question will be how much more tolerant I’ll be to it once I hit menopause.

I haven’t watched the whole thing yet, and I still don’t know if I believe in gods, devils, angels, afterlives or reincarnation, but I’m watching a YouTube video in which real doctors at a real university conducted studies on 2500 cases of children around the world who claim to have memories of past lives. Only problem is that kids have very active imaginations. Also, they claim the kids accurately describe someone who once lived. But when you consider that there are so many different people with so many different personalities, lives and physical traits, pretty much any description will fit someone who is dead or still living.

The interesting part was one kid who said they got their fingers chopped off in a past life that was born with deformed fingers. Then there was a boy claiming to have been shot in the side of the head in a past life that was born with a deformed ear. Well, I was born with a deformed ear yet I certainly don’t remember being shot in the head in any past life.

I doubt we’re reincarnated even more so than I doubt there’s an afterlife, especially with the way the world population fluctuates as it does. When people want to believe something bad enough, they usually will, and I think it brings comfort to most people to tell themselves that there are gods and angels that care about them, that their loved ones go on, and that they will too. Still makes for an interesting and entertaining video just the same.

I had a dream in which some older woman bought what she thought was a really cool mug. When filled with liquid and then drained halfway down, the mug would say, “I’m coming home.”

It was nighttime and I knew the woman wouldn’t want to have coffee or anything else with caffeine in it. So I said, “Make some decaf so we can hear it say that when it’s halfway down.”

“No,” she said, not wanting to have to pee so much so close to bedtime.

Later…

I still don’t believe I have uterine cancer because I believe that I’m meant to live at least till I’m in my 70s. Just a feeling I have, although I know I could be wrong on both accounts. Erratic and or heavy periods, a sign of peri, is also a sign of urine cancer. So are clear or watery discharges tinged with blood, although I read that the symptoms are usually reserved for infections. Despite having these symptoms as well a few times, I still don’t think I have an infection or cancer.

My guess is that if I’m not surprised by a stroke or heart attack, I’ll most likely kill myself because Tom has died or is on his way. The question will be whether or not I go alone or we go together.

No matter what kills me, I still greatly fear death and dying because I’m afraid that if there is anything out there that has had it in for me, it’s not going to let me go easily. I’m afraid that it will be a slow, painful death for me and that I will most likely be alone. Sure hope I’m wrong. I’d love to go quickly and relatively painlessly, if not surrounded by friends and family, then at least by hospital staff. Just someone, somewhere.

Planned or random fate, I’ve decided to just let myself be dealt the hand of death whenever it’s meant to be dealt to me. That’s all one really can do anyway for the most part. I’ve come to believe that there’s both good and bad to dying at any age. I would still prefer to live another 20 or 30 years, but if I suddenly died now… no, I wouldn’t make it to Florida or Hawaii, but I think I would be missing out on a lot of potential shit that comes with age and just life in general, assuming I wasn’t sent to an afterlife of some sort that was worse than anything I’ve experienced in this life.

Good news and bad concerning my anxiety. Then again, I guess that all depends on how you look at it. I have had some since cutting back to every other day on the thyroid meds. Nothing bad enough to the point of needing lorazepam, but it’s just enough to be aware of it at times coming and going in waves in the center of my chest. So yeah, something else is involved too, and we both agree it’s likely the peri. It better be and it better fucking go away with menopause. To think I might always experience this on and off for the rest of my life is definitely one place I don’t want to go.

I highly doubt that being low on thyroid is causing it or else I would’ve had anxiety that would have killed me for damn sure before treatment, and we know I certainly don’t have too much thyroid hormone in me.

TUESDAY, JULY 11, 2017
It appears that Randy googled me last night and checked out my blog, but chose not to contact me. Maybe he didn’t want me writing about it in my journal. Or maybe he’s just not that kind of person. But then why be curious enough to check up on me? I guess only he knows, but I’m fine with whatever he chooses to do.

Maliheh’s Gmail account was hacked by a scammer pushing diet products. I received an email that was sent to me and about half a dozen of her contacts. This is the account where we did most of our communication. I laughed at first thinking of all she must have lost since I know she saves her emails until Tom pointed out that all she has to do is reset her password. Scammers and spammers usually don’t want to delete stuff, but just use the account to send shit from.

Why the hell am I still in her contacts after all this time? She’s the one who dumped me. But I suppose it’s not like it would be in the way or noticeable. I don’t think I’ve removed everybody I’ve ever exchanged emails with for one reason or another.

What was strange was the quote enclosed in the email.

“Small crimes always precede great ones. Never have we seen timid innocence pass suddenly to extreme licentiousness.”

I just find it odd that a criminal would hack someone’s account for the sake of promoting spam, and then enclose a quote about criminal nature.

Anyway, I don’t know if she’ll get it but I emailed her at her Yahoo account and told her she’s been hacked and that I want to be removed from her contacts. We’ll never be friends again, not that she was ever a true friend to begin with, and she shouldn’t have any reason to have my address in her contacts.

Someone’s been signing me up for a bunch of shit lately too, and I wonder if it’s connected to her. It’s probably no one I know, though.

I looked at the picture of what’s supposedly Andy’s house again, and this time I’m not so sure it’s Florida. The houses across the lake from him look huge and expensive as does his place. Did he win a bunch of money recently or something? I don’t understand how the hell he can afford such a place unless he met someone that he moved in with. What’s going on in his life, good or bad, may not affect me directly, but I can’t help but follow my curious nature. I just don’t see how he could afford such a place on his own, though. It’s got to be huge from what I can see of it. It doesn’t look like Florida, but more like it could be somewhere in New England.

As for the janitorial service I found in Boca Raton; that Boca Raton visitor could have been anybody. I’m guessing he finally met someone and moved in with them. Not sure this seems any more likely than winning lots of money as old as he is, but anything is possible. I just know he liked living alone and was as cursed with the same gender as I always was. Either way, only one of those two things could have happened. No one would give him a free house, so he had to come into money or team up with someone, horrible relationship material or not.

It was a two-story house that was mostly barren. The walls were white without anything on them, and all I could see was a couch and part of a table. The room was huge and had laminate flooring. But yeah, I’d say it’s somewhere in New England, though it could have easily been someplace like Virginia as well.

I’m kind of surprised I haven’t been trolled by him. He must be paranoid about being tracked. Or maybe that’s the one area he really did grow up in. He may still be dumb, immature, horny, and as star-struck as a teen, but he does seem to be better behaved.

As for my own home, I am really sick of living in old places. This may be a far cry from something that’s as old or older than I am, but it’s old enough that some of the windows don’t quite close all the way. One of the windows at the end of the living room, which has the largest gap, has been sealed with scotch tape. I threw a strip along the bottom edge of the window and the frame.

I have a purple shirt with a crisscross design in front on its way to me from Amazon, plus scented markers from Walmart to take to my arts and crafts group, which I’ll attend as my schedule permits unless I decide I don’t like it or the people for some reason. The backpack I’m going to use to cart the supplies in came yesterday and it’s adorable. Love its vibrant lavender and turquoise flowers.

Also from Walmart, we got him a new aqua-colored memory foam bathmat for his bathroom.

Although the house with the insanely loud car has more favorites, it’s still listed at 125K. So they either didn’t get evicted and aren’t all that serious about selling and will probably give up at some point, or they did get evicted and are stretching it out as long as possible. I wonder why they haven’t moved yet.

My ear has been worse and I’ve been a little lightheaded, but I haven’t had any hip pain lately. My heart did get a little racy for a few minutes, though, jumping to around 120. I hope it was just a peri fit. Can’t blame the meds on this one since I’m skipping every other day.

I wonder if I would have been scared if Tom hadn’t been home when it happened. I know I would have been if I’d been out running by myself. It’s too warm for working out outdoors anyway, so I’ve been hitting the skier. Not as much as I should be, but I do some.

Next week I’m going to make a point of trying to scale back my calories to 1200 and see if I can stand it. I’d settle for getting down to just 145 pounds, so that’s less than 10 pounds. If I can do it, it will be the first time in a million years I got down that low without being sick. It’s really too bad I can’t stand the anxiety of taking my meds every day, month after month because the extra blubber would come off without even trying.

My blood pressure has been normal, so yeah, it was probably only up that time due to anxiety.

Stacey showed up in my dreams again last night (what’s with all the Stacey dreams lately?), but I don’t remember what it was about.

I had a dream where I went to see Dr. A. But instead of meeting with her alone in a small exam room, she sat behind a counter with a few other people. I said something like, “I hope I don’t get the flu again because each time I get it, it hits me harder, so by the time I’m 60, it will kill me.”

A few minutes later she said something I couldn’t hear. I asked her to repeat it, but instead of doing so she simply glared at me with an annoyed expression. Tom couldn’t get her to repeat herself either.

So we left the clinic or whatever the hell it was, and before he could get in the car I was off and running down the freeway on foot. A young woman on a bike passed me a minute later. A few minutes later I waved to Tom when I saw his car coming around a bend, but he kept going. I figured it was illegal to stop there or maybe dangerous cuz of the curve.

Then I was leaving a voice message for a doctor, but as I went to speak the doctor’s name I was leaving it for, it came out as just gibberish.

MONDAY, JULY 10, 2017
Tom’s working late today and I don’t have much more to update on other than dreams. Been sleeping okay and mostly anxiety-free. I took my thyroid pill today.

I just wish Dr. G could get her shit together. Now it’s until August that I should be doing the steroid treatment until I see her for reevaluation. Oh, and sorry for any miscommunication. So I guess I’ll follow up with her sometime after next month. I would appreciate her taking a look down there to make sure everything’s okay. I still have some irritation and I can still feel some bumps down there. I don’t know if this is normal or not.

After having a dream that I was awake for two days and afraid to go to school or whatever job I had on day three, I woke up after just five hours of sleep. I took my pill, saw Tom off to work, then did some cleaning. After a shower and some food, I fell back asleep until noon.

In another dream, I was talking to some people, two of whom were characters in my book. I guess I was part of various groups for various reasons, and one of the characters asked how they would know what group I was in. “Gymnasts are always shorter than most people,” I told her.

Then some guy was playing me a taped conversation on his phone. “This conversation makes me think you’re right on about the step-kid possibility.”

Not sure whose step-kid was possible (dad’s?), but I answered with something about looking it up.

Some other guy said it would take five minutes.

In the last dream, I was hanging outdoors somewhere with Andy and a much younger female friend of his. Unlike in real life, I seemed to really like beer. I wore low-rise shorts and a halter, and as I approached the two of them with a beer in each hand, I could see Andy checking out my stomach muscles with a mix of surprise and envy. I then handed one of the beers to Andy, telling the girl that I didn’t think she wanted one, and that the rest of the company was too young (I nodded to a little boy who suddenly appeared). I told her I would still be happy to get her a beer if she wanted one, hoping she would decline despite Andy’s encouragement because I really didn’t want to share that many.

SUNDAY, JULY 9, 2017
I feel really bad for the old lady in Texas who’s been following me for over half a decade now, but who rarely updates her own journal because she’s both old and ill. She has heart problems and breathing problems that require her to be on oxygen.

She wrote that her husband has been acting really strange. He went to the store and returned with pizza and soda, but no groceries. Then she found him on the floor of his bedroom screaming in the middle of the night and called the paramedics. They said he was fine.

Then she called her daughter who’s a nurse and the whole family went with her and her husband to the hospital where they also tried to claim he was “fine.” Insisting he wasn’t fine at all, they did a brain scan and found some bleeding. Once again it goes to show that you can’t always trust “experts,” seeing that she had to go through all that to find out what was wrong with her husband.

It’s sad and scary and again brings about mixed emotions on us not having kids. While I have no regrets because that way I was able to keep my freedom and have all kinds of adventures (there’s enough noise outside of the house anyway), but who can we call when we get older and in a similar situation other than the people who are going to tell us that we’re fine too?

Aly is continuing to ignore the occasional insults I’m making in response to some of her tweets, but childish or not, it kind of feels good to let it all out. The only thing I don’t get is if she’s really been dumped by Kim (and the lack of communication between them suggests she has), then why are they still following each other? I wonder if Aly got Kim to agree not to tweet to her and not to block me in order to try to make it look like she wasn’t getting my tweets and therefore didn’t know I was around. Hard to believe Kim could stick to such an agreement if she did.

Still searching for my happy medium when it comes to my meds. I don’t want to take enough to make me anxious (especially while I’m still in peri), but I don’t want to take too little and invite hypo symptoms back either. I’m still hoping I’ll be more tolerant of it when I hit menopause, which of course still feels like it’s never going to happen. I’m skipping every other day for now because it doesn’t take much for me to be anxious these days. I took it yesterday and was barely borderline anxious for about an hour toward the end of my day, but then I was fine. Skipped today’s dose. Decided to continue the Amberen, and I’m feeling okay so far today. Just some burning and irritation in the crotch. Plus some nightmares last night being that it was the third anniversary of the most terrifying day of my life.

We went to the pool yesterday but the water was surprisingly cool because it was cool in the morning. Solar heating pools in this climate is all wrong. If they heated it properly we could use the pool longer. That’s okay, though. Someday I’ll be in Florida or Hawaii and I’ll be able to swim year-round.

They still have multicolored markings along some of the roads here, as well as some little red flags, but haven’t started digging for whatever it is they’re going to dig for. I just hope they do it while I’m on days, but even if I am, there’s always something going on here and I get tired of listening to it. I swear I will never again live surrounded by so many busy roads! We didn’t have much time to look for a place, though, because the economy was starting to pick up again when we were house-hunting, which meant the prices were increasing. Hopefully, we’ll have time to do a better search of the next place, even though things do and can change, and I may be forever destined to listen to some shit no matter where I go. The place would actually be rather quiet if it wasn’t for there being so many loud vehicles these days, and landscaping nearly every day. It’s quiet at night. Just an occasional car stereo booming down the freeway. Kind of obsessed with the idea of a place that’s right on the water after some pictures I’ve seen. If not the ocean then a lake would be nice, despite the bugs I suppose it’d bring and the risk of gators.

He’s been doing a lot of coding because he got a really good idea for a money-making app. It’s for something that people have attempted to do, but have been unable to do so far, yet he has developed a way in which to do it. The only problem is that it’s something that could be copied very easily, so it’s not like we could expect to make money off of just one app if we’re going to make money off of any. It’s still something he enjoys doing and that’s most important. I never expected to become rich from my writing. I do it because I like it. :-)

Every few months he gets a surprise electronics package as part of the subscription. He got some neat stuff yesterday that involves making a little music player. I’ve never been interested in this sort of thing but I can’t help but accidentally learn some things through him, just like he’s learned some Spanish, Italian and German words from me.

Being the third anniversary of the most terrifying day of my life, not surprisingly, I had a few nightmares last night. None of them actually dealt with any medication, though. The one where I had erratic bleeding, I can probably thank Dr. G for. I would still be willing to bet just about anything that I don’t have uterine cancer, and therefore going through surgery would be a total waste of time and money.

In another dream, I must’ve been living with an abusive guy and didn’t seem to know Tom. Instead, I was living in a small house or apartment which was very detailed in the dream. Living room and kitchen to the left, bathroom and bedroom to the right. Anyway, I’d never put up with such shit in real life, but I guess the guy was the jealous type and kind of scary too. We had an argument on the phone shortly before he was due to come home. I hung up and hurried to tidy up the place in a way he would approve of. It was late at night and I quickly dove into bed hoping to avoid a fight by not having to face him.

Then I was dusting a computer monitor. I would hit the ‘page down’ key then dust the monitor again. Then I realized it was silly to do that and that I didn’t have to dust it every time I went down the page. Finally, I stopped dusting the monitor and walked around the corner of the L-shaped room I was in. There stood some cages with a variety of rodents.

In the last dream, I might have cut my hair. I was talking to Stacey and I asked her what the longest her hair had ever been. She told me a few inches below her shoulders and for some reason, I thought that was just hilarious as hell and burst out laughing. “Somehow that doesn’t surprise me,” I told her.

It’s been a while since I’ve played around on Ask, so I decided to reactivate and give it a go just for kicks.

FRIDAY, JULY 7, 2017
While Dr. G is a nice lady, she and her staff really are one inconsistent bunch. I recently messaged her to let her know that I finished the 3-month recommended time of twice-weekly steroid treatments for my dermatitis, and asked if I should resume treatment if the problem flares up again. Not only does she re-recommend surgery, saying that irregular bleeding is a common sign of uterine cancer (yeah, it’s also a sign of perifuckingmenopause when you’re 51 years old), but also says I should be doing the twice-weekly maintenance for a period of 6 months. Being told one thing and then another gets old, but it won’t kill me to do another few months as I can tell the problem is much better but not completely gone.

Want to get more followers on Twitter? Just go private. Seriously, I rarely get followers on my public account, but everyone wants to follow my private ones. I may make exceptions for the health one, but the private one is strictly that… Private. :-)

Got a cute floral backpack to take my coloring books and colored pencils to the clubhouse. It might not be here for a couple of weeks, though.

Still waiting to find out what they’re going to do with the roads. I just wish they would hurry the fuck up and get it over with before I start sleeping later.

Irene’s friend Elisabeth is getting a bit weird on me. She’s liking all the groups that I like on Facebook and she managed to find me on Twitter and she’s following me there as well. She said she looked up my handle, but how the hell did she know what to look for?

Also, was Andy my Boca Raton visitor the other day on Blogger? Looking at his Facebook account through Tom’s, it really looks like he got a regular house by a lake. So I looked up his business and there is a janitorial service with his name that happens to be in Boca Raton. Then I followed the address listed and it goes to a house that’s also by a lake, but as I’m learning, there are so many lakes there that this is common. The only thing is that the picture on Facebook shows houses opposite the lake from his place. This place didn’t have any houses on the other side of the lake. It also seems like something I would never think he could afford. It’s not a manufactured home. If he could afford a place like this, I would think he would be able to afford not to work. Then again, he is a bit young to retire. Still, if that’s his place, how the hell does he afford it??? Also, Florida doesn’t have universal healthcare, it’s the last state that ever would, and I don’t see how he could afford to buy himself insurance.

Never did hear from Randy. It could be that he’s just been busy, but I have a feeling I’m not going to hear from him. I once gave him an email address in case we decided to sell our truck. He could’ve kept that and sent me a message at some point or looked me up on Facebook, but he never did. So I don’t expect to hear from him, though it’s no biggie. Like I said, I’d rather be the sought than the seeker for a change, and someone I barely know in Austria doesn’t count.

This is day two of not taking my thyroid medication, and I still feel great. Just having a little burning down there, but it seems I’m destined to suffer in some way shape or form no matter what. It’s just a matter of choosing the better suffering. Still can’t help but wonder… Is there really a God that picks and chooses what we’re dealt in life? Did He deliberately give me a disease in which He knew I was intolerant to its treatment? Either way, He’s not about to kill me with uterine cancer. He couldn’t continue to torture me with some shit or another if He did that. Besides, if I had uterine cancer as long as I’ve had irregular bleeding, it would’ve killed me already.

Anyway, I’m likely going to go the rest of the year without thyroid meds, though I’m keeping that out of public for now because I don’t want people nagging me. I need to stop this 3-year reign of madness that I’m virtually 100% sure is caused by the medication. I’ve temporarily stopped the Amberen, too. If by some freak chance, any anxiety was from the peri, I want to know it, so I don’t want to be masking any possible peri symptoms. If I suddenly had anxiety OFF the thyroid meds, I’m not sure if I would be glad or horrified. It might be a good thing because then that would make me think it might be the peri, which wouldn’t last forever as my dead thyroid will, but nobody suffers this bad from peri, and I didn’t just up and go crazy one day. It’s a no-brainer. I know it’s the meds.

I’m not looking forward to the hypo symptoms returning, but again, if I must have some shit going on with me at all times, then I choose hypo symptoms over anxiety. But yeah, I’m sure I’ll gain weight, lose hair, piss all the time, get heartburn, get a hoarse voice, and probably some lightheadedness and fatigue as well as many other things like brain fog. There’s simply no alternative to this medication, yet I can’t live with such horrible, horrible anxiety. I’m not sure which was worse; the scary moments in which my heart would race that didn’t last as long, or the all-day feeling of general unease and even fear that would gnaw at me hour after fucking hour, turning my thoughts darker than dark. I’ll reevaluate depending on how I feel later on down the road. Meanwhile, people have gone decades with this disease without serious problems. If it was going to kill me it would take many years to do it.

Sure enough, I had all kinds of TSH-related dreams last night. In one of them, a female DJ was asking people if they ever had an abnormal TSH over the radio as if they would all know what that was like it was a common everyday term or something. I was telling her that my highest score was 34.

I also dreamed that I was lying outdoors face down on a mattress sun tanning. I only wore a pair of panties. The mattress was situated in front of a house I assume I lived in and in the back of another one that Jesse owned. Jesse pulled up and got out of a truck with some guy and started doing something at the side of his house. I asked them about it, making sure to only raise my head since I was nude. He gave some answer, and then I slowly shimmied around to face the other direction, careful not to expose my chest.

THURSDAY, JULY 6, 2017
No pill today, no anxiety. Gee, what a coincidence. Seriously considering if not quitting the shit altogether then scaling back to 50s. I still say most of my problem is the meds and very little of it is the peri. I probably would barely notice the peri, if I’m really even in peri to begin with. Having five periods so far this year makes me wonder. Plus, the doctor did say I still had good estrogen even though that might’ve been over a year ago. Marie is a year younger and she’s already gone a year without periods, yet mine are still going strong. The only difference is that the last one was surprisingly short for being so heavy. It lasted between three and four days instead of a week.

They’ve got tons of different color chalks marking the roads throughout some of the park, one of which runs behind the house. I was expecting to hear all kinds of racket yesterday as they dug up the roads for whatever the fuck it is they’re going to dig up, but they haven’t started yet. Really hope they get to it while I’m still on days. Seriously there’s always, ALWAYS something going on in this park! I could hardly stand to sit out on the patio yesterday because all the landscaping sounds around me were driving me crazy. It just never fucking ends. Even on the holiday, I could hear the sounds of saws and wood chippers buzzing away.

On the fourth, we watched the parade go by with Jim, Bob, Virginia, and some woman who told me I had beautiful hair, which was worn in a braid going down my back that day. I asked Virginia if she knew what they were going to do with the roads, and where I would have guessed it had to do with water pipes, she was suspecting cable. Everything of ours is underground here, including the electricity.

Anyway, the parade didn’t last long. There were maybe about 25 golf carts going by, and a few kids on bikes, along with a few cars. Tom was kind enough to make sure the woman, whose name I forgot, got home safely. She was very old and frail and used a walker. She lives a few houses down from ours, heading toward the cemetery.

I guess Bob and Virginia must have serious AC issues because I’ve seen a heating and air conditioning van working at their place about four times now.

Here’s something interesting. A long time ago I sent a message to a Randy H on Facebook who worked for the post office and lives in Klamath Falls. It was hard to tell from his picture if it was Randy the mailman that I knew or not, but I kind of doubted it. The months went by and I figured he never got the message or chose to ignore it. Eventually, I forgot all about it until yesterday I was surprised by a reply. He said there was another Randy that was probably the one I was looking for and that he thought he was still working there, but he himself was retired. He suggested I call the PO. Instead, I filled out an online form requesting to make contact because I would love to exchange hellos. I was told that my email address was passed on to him, so hopefully, I’ll hear from him soon. It would be nice to reconnect after a decade. The only thing that kind of sucks is that once again it’s me reaching out to a long-lost connection and not the other way around.

Between Randy H and the research I did, I learned his name is Randy D B. He’s 62 years old and has lived in California, Idaho and Arkansas.

The solar hula dancers arrived yesterday. They’re so cute. The one in blue dances on his dresser and the one in pink is in the kitchen.

Later…

Shortly before 9:30, I headed down to the clubhouse to check out the arts and crafts group. I thought it was something that you pay for and that they give you the supplies to do various projects with. As Tom said, I might as well spend the money I’ve been carrying around in my purse on something sooner or later. But it isn’t that kind of a “class.” You simply bring whatever you want to do and everybody hangs out doing it until 11:00. It can be knitting, coloring… Anything.

Not having my coloring books or colored pencils with me, I headed back and ended up chatting with Bob and Virginia. They were sitting out in front of their place, and Virginia was surprised at how easily I could make the steep step onto the grassy area, which has a little retaining wall alongside it.

“Bowflex power,” I explained.

She asked if I was out on a stroll, noticing that this time I had my purse with me. It was already getting hot out, so I wanted to take some water with me and thought it would be easier to stick it in my crossover purse rather than carry the bottle. As I told them, I don’t know how I survived 12 years in the desert. LOL

I told her I checked out the arts and crafts group to find out what it was that they did, and then we got to talking about whether or not we were going to do our roof anytime soon. As I told them, we’d be smart to do it since if we could go from water stains in just one year, we could go to actual leaks in just a year as well. That was when I mentioned that we may move sooner than originally thought. Virginia looked surprised and even a little disappointed. Bob was a little harder to read. He usually either smiles or has a rather stoic expression.

I still think we’ve got several more years to go, but even if there were just a few, that’s a few rainy seasons we could get leaked on. If we wait another year, there’s a type of solar roofing that should be more readily available that would really cut back the electric bills, but it may not be enough to really add to the value of the place if we’re just going to leave in a few years. Instead, we might simply be spending money more for someone else’s benefit than our own. Really wish we could know exactly when we could move, but again, we don’t want to go about it the stupid way a third time.

We also talked about levothyroxine and lorazepam, which we both take. Like me, it’s only normal for her to experience anxiety if something bad is going on in her life. As I was telling her, I’ve had my share of stress and worries in life, but never had a problem with anxiety that borders on fear until I started this medication, and I know it’s the damn medication.

She said something about one of her kids going through a tragic divorce, losing a very dear friend, and not being able to sleep well.

Bob left at one point and we started talking more about female stuff. I told her I was going through perimenopause and that I didn’t think much of the anxiety was coming from that. I asked her if she noticed any changes with anxiety when she went through that and she said no. I’ve honestly never heard of anyone being affected by such debilitating anxiety just from perimenopause. Knowing my body and what’s normal for me, it’s a no-brainer that it’s chemically induced. She said her ex-daughter-in-law had a procedure done in Florida, and she mentioned that she lost hair and stuff like that. As soon as she said that I knew she had to be talking about Hashimoto’s, which is what I’ve got. She said she thinks that’s what it was but it isn’t what she has. She’s just simply hypo and not because of an autoimmune disease. Anyway, she wasn’t sure what they did to her ex-daughter-in-law, but she said something about them making an incision which makes me think they removed the thyroid gland altogether. My old endo said I would not need mine removed, however, which is probably a good thing as I would think that would make me worse. I have to skip doses to back the anxiety off, yet I still have some life in my thyroid, so when I do it’s not like I’m completely depriving myself of thyroid hormone. If I didn’t have a thyroid, though, then I would be.

Right now I’m more concerned with how the hell I’m going to continue to take a medication I’m intolerant to but that my body needs. There’s simply no other alternative, but to either skip doses or stop altogether. I don’t think I need to go as extreme as quitting entirely, but I can’t take 75 mcgs every single day. It doesn’t make my heart feel like it’s going to explode in my chest like the 88s did, and also like this dose did a few years ago when I was still having pockets of activity flaring up in the gland. But it still makes me feel positively shitty enough. No one could understand without having it themselves, but trust me, it’s no way to live. It’s nothing you can get used to or adapt to or become comfortable with in any way shape or form. Some side effects we can live with, but others are way worse than the disease itself can ever make us feel. I’m worried, like I said because there’s no other alternative to this drug. So I either have to be at least somewhat hypo or take something that would make me a total zombie to counteract its effects. But even if I could take something that would make me a zombie, I would likely still feel the effects of too much thyroid meds, and why would I want to be a zombie so I couldn’t do the things I enjoy doing? So it’s a no-win situation for me right now and probably always will be. :(

The only dream I remember last night had my parents and brother in it. Figures, huh? I told Virginia that too; that I lost both parents and my brother all in 2012, and that it was the first time I was actually glad we weren’t close. Anyway, one of us found what looked like a roll of really fat tape in the dream, and I somehow knew it was medical-related. Like maybe x-rays or something like that. So I called the local hospital to get the address in which to send it. My brother kept talking to my dad, making it hard for me to hear the person I was talking to. “Shhh,” I said, but the person was giving me this long, strange address I couldn’t make sense of anyway.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 5, 2017
Instead of the skipping helping (though I took a pill today), I feel just as awful, maybe even worse. I had the runs this morning and I still felt some anxiety even with lorazepam. Okay, is something up there trying to drive me to suicide? Because sooner or later it’s going to succeed. While this still smacks of being chemically induced, I’m still no closer to learning what’s involved and how much each instigator is involved. If it’s not the medication, is it the perimenopause? Or could my brain possibly have happened to break three years ago? Could I have suddenly developed an anxiety disorder separate from anything else that’s going on? My last guess is something supernatural… An evil god, a devil, a demon, an evil spirit, negative energy, etc.

I started feeling anxious at the end of my day yesterday and I was just about to reach for the lorazepam. But then we played a slot game on the TV and I felt better.

My biggest fear right now is that this is never going to go away, whatever the culprit(s). I’m really starting to fear that I am going to end up killing myself because I am so tired of all the physical and emotional suffering I’ve been through for the last three years. I know I’m far from a perfect person, but what the fuck have I done to deserve such suffering? If the doctors can’t help me, who can? At this point, I’m totally losing hope of ever conquering this.

I’m too fucked up to really think much of Florida, and I don’t care right now about vacationing in Hawaii. I just want to stop suffering or die. Why can’t I just be happy, calm and awake, instead of anxious, lightheaded and fatigued so damn much of the time? Is the only way to help me to become some kind of zombie?

I can’t even get excited over a money-making idea that Tom had earlier, or possibly making contact with Randy, the mailman I really liked up in Oregon. A long time ago I sent a message to a Randy H on Facebook who works at the post office. I didn’t think it was him, though. But he finally got back to me today and says he thinks it’s Randy B and that he’s still working there. I contacted the PO online in hopes of getting a call or email from him, but seriously, I don’t give a shit. I don’t give a shit about anything anymore. I just want to stop suffering, and if death is the only way to do that, then so be it.

I dreamed I was hanging out with my niece Sarah somewhere. Her hair was barely to her shoulders and the top part was swept back. It also wasn’t straightened either. Although cut short, she had shiny silver chrome nail polish on. Instead of green, her eyes appeared to be hazel.

As we prepared dinner, she was telling me she lent someone money that she never got back and was upset about that.

Then I received a birthday card from Andy.

Lastly, I was swimming in a small square pool, maybe with Tom and some other person, that wasn’t more than 3 or 4 feet deep. I was contemplating for a few minutes whether or not I wanted to dive under the water since I’d just done my hair. I slowly went under and seemed to have trouble breathing, almost as if I’d been under for too long and couldn’t reach the surface. But then I broke through the water and I dove under again, this time much quicker.

TUESDAY, JULY 4, 2017
Someone asked me if I thought barring gays from adopting was discrimination. Isn’t that like asking if water is wet? Of course it is! Quality of parenting should matter, not gender or quantity.

I’m sick of living in the West. I’ve been sick of it. The way dogs are treated like outdoor ornaments. The way blacks are favored. The high cost of living in this state. Being so far from family. If I’m going to be so far from family I’d only want it to be because we ended up able to go to Hawaii, LOL. I wouldn’t expect to see family more than once or twice a month as we all still have our lives to live and I still have a sleep disorder that puts me on nights half the time, but just to know they weren’t thousands of miles away would be nice for a change.

Yet while we may be adventurers at heart, we don’t want to take the same foolish risks we took when we left Arizona and then Oregon. This means it really is best to wait until he’s retired. Out of curiosity, we jumped on Zillow to look at manufactured homes in Florida and I was a little surprised at how many were comparable in price to those out here. One of them, right on a lake, would have been perfect for us in Fort Pierce, but the 14K price tag told me there was something wrong. All the places in that retirement community were cheap. Tammy confirmed that there was a lot of gang activity in that area. I figured as much. Some people just love to ruin things for others, don’t they?

The requirements seem to be the same as here… You can’t have a record and you have to be of age. At least we’ve got that much on our side. We just don’t want him to have to scramble for a job as soon as we got there, then hope it paid enough to support us. It would be better to know exactly what we had for money beforehand. We’ll start getting a better idea of that in a couple of years.

Another problem is that because I live in a country so anti-universal healthcare, we have to factor in the expense of having to buy me healthcare between the years he retires and I turn 65. I really shouldn’t go more than a few months without my medication. But we live in a selfish world. No one wants to pay to help others. Therefore I honestly can’t see universal healthcare in this country in our lifetime. People would rather put their energy into restricting the rights of others than helping others.

Screwed-up world or not, there are worse places to be stuck in than this, so it’s not all bad.

Almost got an iPhone yesterday because I wanted a device for listening to music that’s easier to tote around than my MacBook Air. Not being a phone person to begin with, though, I decided to settle on a cheap Windows tablet.

We went to Raley’s for a few things, and soon I gotta back up my stuff on OneDrive.

MONDAY, JULY 3, 2017
It’s been a busy but fun few days. Saturday we pretty much took it easy. Early Sunday morning we went out to Denny’s. This time we went to a different Denny’s and it was much better. The other one had shittier service and there tended to be some homeless people hanging out there. At this one, we got prompt service free of the homeless folks.

I had two eggs, steak fries, and a steak that was practically as big as I am. We were both tired after because we’re not used to consuming so many calories at once. He’s been dieting and I don’t normally eat that much anyway. But I really packed it in as much as I could and the meal sustained me for the rest of the day since it was just so much food. It was also high in protein and that makes you feel fuller longer.

I was also tired because the night before I had trouble sleeping and decided to give the clonidine a fourth try. This time it didn’t cause me to sleep shitty, but just like the last few times, I had next-day drowsiness. The stuff is definitely not for me.

Last night, however, I did sleep shitty. A few hours later I took a lorazepam to get into a deeper sleep. I will definitely need to think of something to replace that because I really should only be using it for anxiety. I’ll probably either go with melatonin or Benadryl when I’m really having a problem sleeping.

As for an anxiety update… I haven’t had anything serious this month yet. It’s weird because it’s like it went by the calendar. It turned itself on his soon as June started and turned itself off when it ended. Like it wanted to pick on my favorite month of the year, and yes, most of June was bad. I’d like to think we finally have that under control, but I don’t want to jump the gun, as always. For now, I’m just going to be glad I’m feeling better and enjoy it for however long it lasts.

I’m also enjoying the peace while it lasts because we noticed that a few of the streets in the park, including the one that runs in back of the house, have bright orange markings on them along with some bright orange flags, suggesting they’re going to do a major project (water pipes?) that I’m sure will drive me batshit crazy and make me wish we were living in my sister’s park. This, or something close enough, may be happening sooner than we thought, but that’s something I’ll get to later.

Tomorrow’s the parade, but I don’t care. I’ll be up and they don’t go directly by our house anyway. Maybe we’ll run out and watch it and wave to everyone going by in their little golf carts, bikes, wheelchairs, cars, etc.

He had to grab something on Amazon so I grabbed a few more of those solar toys that are great for windowsills. I got a couple of hula dancers, plus a butterfly that flutters about a pink flower. Right now my pink and purple flowers are dancing away.

We went to Walmart after we went to Denny’s yesterday to get the proper bombs. We also went out to eat today, too. We haven’t eaten out twice in a row in years, so I didn’t feel bad about it. In fact, we rarely eat out. We were supposed to bomb yesterday morning while we were at Denny’s, but he accidentally got bombs when ordering groceries online that require you to be out for four hours. We prefer two hours since there’s only so much eating and shopping we can do. The four-hour bombs can take care of the storeroom, so they’ll still get used.

This morning we went to Mel’s Diner and it wasn’t as good, though my fried shrimp, chicken strips, and French fries were still good. It was chilly in there and they blast music which is kind of annoying. I still gave them 4 stars on Yelp. It seems so many restaurants and stores love to blast music, though the Denny’s we went to was much quieter.

So back to Walmart we went since we weren’t going to be at Mel’s for two hours. I got a really nice tankini baiting suit in royal blue. I love the lace skirt on the bottoms. It’s nothing I’d be caught dead in back in my 20s, but I’m also not 100 pounds anymore either. I like the way it looks and it’s definitely comfy. Some tastes do change with age.

Then I got really stupid and got some light blue lipstick. I loved the “diamond” case and wanted to try something different. OMG, does it look bad on me! It makes me look sickly. I thought I was done doing stupid shit like this, LOL.

I also got press-on nails with colored stripes for little girls because my nails are so small. Kathleen can check them out in September. :-)

When we got back I waited outside while Tom went to open doors and windows to air the place out. Then we opened the door to the “bomb shelter” the rats were in, which is actually the storeroom.

Before the rats and I entered the house, Tom burned the second of three sage sticks, hoping to further cleanse any negative energy that may still be lurking in the house, even if I’m not sure I believe in that sort of thing. Definitely feeling better, though, between the spell, the sage, and the weekly medication skips. My T4 was always normal, but it really is best that 1.1 and no higher just like my TSH is best at 10. Any lower and the anxiety, diarrhea, and the other symptoms torment the shit out of me.

Said hello to Jon and Carolyn when I was out dumping the recyclables. They’re doing some landscaping. They said to let them know if we need help with anything or if they’re too noisy. LOL, they’re not noisy at all. I didn’t even know they were out there.

SATURDAY, JULY 1, 2017
I was remembering an old friend whose father was throwing the book of hate at her that people call the Bible due to her fondness for women. I wonder if she ever got the strength to follow her heart and be herself. I hope so, for her sake.

Andy once tried to tell me I was automatically blessed because I was Jewish. Well, my family was/is Jewish. I’m just little old me. Yeah, right. That’s why 6 million Jews were killed because they’re so damn blessed. That’s why I had an abusive mother. That’s why I had all kinds of shit happen to me that happened; because I’m so damn blessed, right?

SMH Everyone wants to believe that they’re somehow special, that they’re protected, and will never be given more than they can handle, which would basically make a person immortal when you think about it. But the truth is that we’re all fish in a sea of random goodness and badness that will happen to us all throughout our lives. Then one day we’ll be given more than we can handle and it will kill us, be it a heart attack, a stroke, cancer, an accident… Whatever.

On a much more lighthearted note, although I did have more anxiety yesterday than I did the day before, and I did take lorazepam, my day ended well and I slept better.

I went out walking for about a half-hour at midnight. Did a little running as I usually do, just not as much with my period in full swing and seemingly no end in sight. If there’s anything I miss from my pre-levothyroxine days besides the lack of anxiety and being able to have my coffee as soon as I get up, it’s the short wimpy periods.

We’re looking forward to him having four days off. We have to bomb the place again so we’ll probably do that real early tomorrow morning and go to Mel’s Diner, then maybe do a little shopping at Walmart. We’ll also be doing stuff around the house like cleaning the carpet and maybe power hosing the outside of the house. Why did we have to end up with a white house? But then even if we didn’t, dirt would be visible under the white carport and patio roofs.

Oh damn. CampNano started less than an hour ago. Almost forgot that. I guess I’ll get working on Someone Else’s Lady!