May 2017 in 2010s

WEDNESDAY, MAY 31, 2017
Decided to temporarily stop posting to my Facebook group because I’ve discovered that pages are so much more fun. The biggest thing is that it lets me schedule future posts. The more I schedule, the more it’s like having a self-publishing page that publishes itself with little work on my part. It’s so cool. And addicting. I can now totally see how Andy got so hooked on doing this sort of thing. Every three hours pictures will post in groups of four. Each cluster will have a theme… beaches, rats, kids, dogs, trees, wildlife, etc. The link to it is on my profile.

Lost the water I was retaining after my stupid body made its third attempt to generate a period and failed. I’m glad it failed; I just wish it would stop trying in the first place. Come on, I’m 51 years old!

Got caught up on my sleep and should be able to go out for a walk later on. That’s pretty much it for now so… later!

TUESDAY, MAY 30, 2017
Sunday my hips were sore as hell, Monday my legs turned to rubber after just a few minutes of bike riding, and today I’m damn near comatose. WTF? Yes, I slept shitty. Yes, I woke up many times, sometimes too warm. But it’s not like I didn’t sleep at all, so this fatigue seems a bit extreme. I didn’t take anything last night, so I doubt it could be related to my blood pressure or blood sugar. I sure hope not, anyway.

Like I’ve been saying for a while now, I wish I could have more days where I had good energy and nothing hurt or made me feel off in any way. The most important thing is not having anxiety. I’m still doing well with that, but still not quick to jump the gun and assume it’s gone for good. It seems I always have something, though. Lately, it’s been an underarm rash and I worry it’s folliculitis. It could be some type of fungal rash, so I started Lamisil a couple of days ago, and I’m not sure that it’s helping. Or maybe I’m allergic to the Gain laundry detergent pods we’ve been using. I just don’t know. But when I see my doctor in a couple of weeks I’ll show it to her.

I’ve been getting some questions about the anxiety I experienced when my thyroid medication dose was higher. It’s not the same kind of anxiety one would experience if say they were about to have a medical procedure done that they were really nervous and anxious about. It’s something far worse and probably impossible to imagine and comprehend without going through it firsthand. I always said that being thrown in a pit of fire would be the worst way to die, but I’m not so sure about that anymore. I think the worst, torturous form of death would be to slowly die from having too much thyroid hormone. That fire would hurt like hell, but you’re dead in minutes. A slow death from being thyrotoxic would be the ultimate form of torture that I couldn’t wish on my worst enemy. It’s the most horrible, horrible feeling on earth to be high on thyroid. That’s really the best way I can describe it for those who haven’t experienced it and I hope to hell never will.

Life is otherwise running smoothly. One of the houses on our street has sold and now I’m hoping the newcomers don’t have a motorcycle or any really loud vehicles.

I was off to a good start on the intermittent fasting diet, but hunger and cravings threw me off track. There’s no getting around the fact that I would have to cut down to about 1000-1200 calories a day to lose weight and that’s just not enough. As long as I keep active (when I’m awake enough) I can maintain my weight on 1500-1600 calories a day.

For once I had a bit of a funny dream. Being the adventurers that we are, on two different occasions Tom and I simply up and changed states with no home or job waiting for us in the new state. Sometimes that’s the only way to go. It got a little scary at times, but this was how we transferred from Arizona to Oregon, and then from Oregon to California.

In the dream, we moved to Boston of all places. No place I would even consider going to in a million years, but that’s where we went in the dream. Towards the end of the day, after we arrived there, I was getting tired and said I hoped we could find a place to rent or check into a hotel soon.

Then we were in someplace that had a small door in the wall that was perhaps 3’x3’. Tom opened the door and found a strange passageway. Curiously, Tom began to climb in and I told him to be careful because there was a sharp turn in it and I didn’t want him getting stuck.

I then started to think how it was a bummer that we didn’t know anybody in the area yet, and then I remembered Eileen. For a second I considered contacting Andy, now just hours away, but thought better of it when I realized that being in the same state wouldn’t make him any less negative, immature or judgmental.

Yesterday I noticed the lack of tweets between Aly and Kim. Then last night Aly tweeted about being “iced out,” and like several other tweets she’s made in the past, I knew she was talking about Kim. Ever since Aly dumped me I’ve been hoping that Kim would give her a taste of her own medicine, and now I wonder if she really has. I doubt it, though. She’s gone quiet on her before. All will be just peachy between them soon enough.

I tweeted to her that I knew what it was like and that I was sending a virtual hug from Cali. As usual, she didn’t block me but she didn’t reply either.

Why oh why can’t I just give up on those who have given up on me???

MONDAY, MAY 29, 2017
The weather is gorgeous right now. But can I take my laptop out on the patio and enjoy it? No, of course not. Fucking landscaping has to spoil the peace, as usual.

Took my first dose of clonidine last night and while I didn’t have any bad effects from it, I’m not sure it’s going to be all that helpful. I’m allowed to take up to three tablets a day. Being the first time taking it, I took just one, of course. I was nervous as hell about it, too.

I thought I would get noticeably drowsy after about 10 minutes like I usually do with things like Benadryl and Lorazepam, but I didn’t. I also didn’t sleep as soundly as when I take other things and I kept waking up several times. I woke up a little tired, but not so groggy that I didn’t want to get out of bed. I found that the best thing to help perk me up is salad. I have a bag of mixed lettuce, and after a few mouthfuls of that and some coffee, I perked up.

SUNDAY, MAY 28, 2017
I got up earlier today because yesterday was such a fun and busy day that I fell asleep earlier than the night before, something I rarely do.

Before we left, Tom ran out to pick up the meds. Everything was there.

Then I gave him my old music laptop, which he was delighted to have for whatever projects he wants it for.

I was surprised to see that Aly is now allowing anyone to message her on Twitter, and I can’t help but wonder… is she hoping I’ll contact her?

We wanted to go out browsing and shopping just for fun, but we also wanted not to have to listen to the thump of bass from the damn concert. Remember, some of us move to these types of places to get away from that shit. Not to have to listen to it. But by the time we returned four hours later at the tail end of the concert, you could barely hear it, unlike the last time. It was still good to get out and do things we don’t normally do to break up our normal routine. No matter how comfortable you may be with your routine, variety is always good.

We went to Lowe’s first, but didn’t get anything there. Then we went to Wendy’s where we both got junior bacon burgers with small fries and a small drink. With both of us watching what we eat, we were really stuffed afterward, not used to taking in 600 calories at once. There’s a reason I eat as much as I can a few days before vacations; to enlarge my stomach so I can enjoy indulging during the trip.

We parked towards the back of the parking lots furthest from the stores we visited so it would be easier to get out and because we like to walk. It was a beautiful day. Warm and dry. I even got a little color.

We first stopped in a department store we’d never been to before. It wasn’t all that great. Then we went to a thrift store we’d also never been to and that was more my style. For just seven bucks I got silver sequined UGG style boots.

Then we went to the Dollar Tree where I got these cute little plastic flowers in a tiny pot. When light hits the solar panel on it, the flowers “dance.”

We also got a few scented hand sanitizers, and these scented room deodorizers that are in plastic jars, but we really don’t notice them unless we stick our noses right up to them.

We went to Michael’s craft store where I got 5 neon-colored beaded bracelets for $.99 each.

Our last stop was at Sam’s where we got dishwasher and laundry pods, and a power scrubber for the old shower stalls.

For just $10, I got a pink tunic with sparkly gems on it.

The four 2x2 printed foam mats arrived yesterday and we love them so far. We have one in the second bathroom and three in the kitchen to see how well they hold up before we redo both sections of the floor. They’re very comfortable to walk on and they look great. The roof is still the #1 priority and that will get done in July or August.

So yesterday was lots of fun. It definitely made up for the horrible, horrible nightmare in which I required lorazepam to get back to sleep. In the dream, I was living with Tammy, although she had a multistory house in the dream. In reality, Tom will be 60 in exactly one month, but in the dream, he died from a sudden and unexpected illness right before he was to turn 57. The depression I experienced in the dream was overwhelming. Tammy had to leave one morning, assuring me that everything would be okay and that she would be back at 11 PM or sooner. I didn’t want her to go, but I also didn’t want to cry on her shoulder all day either.

I spent the day reading and writing and trying to block Tom from my mind so as to keep from cracking up. Unable to work yet not having worked enough years to collect disability, I had no idea how I was going to survive since our savings and sale of the house would only last a year or two. Even if I had all the money in the world, I didn’t see how I could stand to wake up each day without him for the next 25-35 years. It’s so true that once you find your true soulmate you don’t want to live without them, and no wonder so many long-term couples die around the same time.

But then nighttime came and I couldn’t help but think of how we’d always assumed he would turn 57 and then 58 and so on and so forth. I looked to the doorway of the bedroom, which I stood in, wishing he would appear and say it was just a horrible joke and that we could now go home. I woke up as I burst into tears. Like I said, it was a horrible, horrible dream.

Taking it easier today doing things around the house. I doubt we’ll go out today, but who knows?

I’m trying to get used to progressive glasses once again because I really like having a pair of glasses that does it all. It was a pain in the ass switching back and forth between reading glasses and bifocals with no mid-range vision.

My right hip is better (for the most part), but today my left hip is sore when I first stand up. I’ve had pain nearly every day for a while now, but it sure beats anxiety.

FRIDAY, MAY 26, 2017
So I saw the psychiatrist, Dr. C, yesterday. This was at the Expo Center. The setup was a little different. The building didn’t consist of only doctors. There were lawyers and other things as well. Usually, the nurse takes me into the exam room, takes my vitals, then has me wait for the doctor. In this case, a nurse took me into a small room off the waiting room and took everything but my pulse. Then I went back to the waiting room where I had to fill out a ridiculous amount of paperwork asking me the same damn questions that should already be on file. I did most of it but not all of it. It was just too long and too irrelevant as to why I was there.

Then, just like Stacey would come and get me herself, the doctor came to get me. She didn’t really make an impression on me either in a positive or a negative way. She was just average, I guess you could say. She didn’t make any small talk unrelated to the visit by commenting on the weather, whatever I was wearing, etc., but she also didn’t come off as rude, insensitive or like she was trying to rush me along. The staff wasn’t all that friendly except for the nurse that took my vitals.

Dr. C was a lot like Stacey. She had a very calm and “neutral” demeanor. The kind you couldn’t picture freaking out and that probably had a dry sense of humor. While they may have been comparable in personalities, they looked nothing alike except for their thinness. I first thought Dr. C might be a guy because her hair is very short. She might be a lesbian, but as long as she helps me or at least doesn’t make me worse in any way, I don’t care what she is. But just being the observant person I am, she wore no make-up and was very plane-faced, almost ugly. While she looked as Chinese as ever she had an American accent.

I noticed her noticing my scars just as Dr. G (GYN) did. Yeah, a few more months and they’ll be gone and my past will no longer be so obvious. Either way, I’m doing this for me. This scar removal thing. I don’t care if others judge me by the past and I don’t care what they think either, but I personally don’t like seeing them sitting there on my arm, just like I wouldn’t want to see a picture of my parents sitting on my desk. I have a few pics of them on my hard drive and online, but I don’t need a reminder of them sitting in front of me any more than I need to see the scars. How would that help me?

What I liked about her was that she stayed in the present and let me bring her up to date on the last few years and what led me to see her without interrupting me. Dr. L may have been friendlier, but she was harder to talk to because she interrupted a lot and went off-topic. I almost felt like I was going to chat with an old buddy when I would see her, LOL.

She told me that the ADD might have been what made going through perimenopause so hard on me, and explained that ADD is common and that those who have it often do better in crisis. Haha, could’ve fooled me. I had to be EMDR’d, didn’t I? I get what she’s saying, though. As Stacey pointed out, the day I freaked out thinking I was having a heart attack, I acted quickly and was able to think fast despite how terrified I was, call for help, and get out of the house.

Dr. C also confirms that once I go from perimenopause to menopause, things should stabilize. They feel like they’ve been doing just that since February, but now my body is making its third attempt to generate a period since mid-March, and this time I’m afraid it might succeed. The last couple of times I would get watery, and then the water would back off. Now I’m getting watery and my boobs are tender.

She took a moment to read Doc O’s notes and commented about her being a very smart woman.

Then she asked questions like do I get headaches? Any rashes? I told her I did have a rash under my arms (these little red bumps that won’t go away), and she said what I figured she’d say. It probably needs an antifungal cream. I’m going to start with trying an OTC one. If it doesn’t help, I’ll show it to Doc A when I see her.

Just why am I getting all these fungal issues these last few years anyway? Because I’m fat? Older?

She also asked me if I’d ever been diagnosed with Graves’ disease. I’ve heard of it but didn’t know it was the term for hyperthyroidism like Hashimoto’s is the term for hypothyroidism. The neurologist I saw said it was likely that I did have Graves’ disease when I was younger, and even though they never tested me for it, I agree, based on the symptoms I had back then. I didn’t have such terrifying anxiety like the last few years, but I would get overly hyper, my heart would race, and I couldn’t gain weight if I tried.

Once it got to where I could no longer lose weight in my 40s, I wrote it off to age. But then I was like, hey wait a minute! I exercise. But even with treatment, diet and exercise do me no good and I’m forever 30 pounds overweight. Therefore I have set more realistic goals for myself, which is not to gain any more weight. So far so good. :-)

Then she asked me about joint and muscle pain and I told her that my hip joints have been particularly stiff lately and I’m losing flexibility. I first wrote that one off to being fat, but there are people a lot heavier than me who have more flexibility. She recommended some stretching exercises, which I’ll be doing for a few minutes each day.

She mentioned memory loss, and yes, I’m still dealing with the brain fog from hell. I have trouble focusing and will often think of something I need to get from another room, walk into that room, then forget why I entered it in the first place. Sometimes it takes me a minute to remember my own damn address and phone number.

So I told her that while I’m trying to remain optimistic, I don’t want to get my hopes up and think that the worst of the anxiety is over, and so I requested one more refill of lorazepam, which she gave me. If all continues to go well, though, I won’t finish the bottle I still have, let alone need the refill.

She asked me about beta-blockers and I told her I took atenolol once when my heart was racing when the perimenopause was at its worst and they were adjusting my levothyroxine dose, and while it slowed my HR, it also made me very cold and sluggish. I also told her about the nightmare I went through with Prozac.

I was surprised to learn that lorazepam isn’t a narcotic but a benzodiazepine. Still, she said it not only quits working after a while as the body gets too used to it, but it’s addicting and I shouldn’t tell anyone I’ve got it. This is because she’s had a couple of patients have their homes broken into just for that. They left the laptop and other valuables and took only the benzos.

She feels clonidine would be better for me in light of the ADD. She says it will also help with any additional anxiety I may have and help me sleep better (we discussed the insomnia and the CRD as well). She understands my phobia of medication and recommended I try the short-acting version before bed and see if it helps me sleep. Another reason she thinks this will be better for me is that it’s not a stimulant like levothyroxine or a controlled substance like lorazepam. I asked her if there was anything I should worry about if I decided to try it and she said it can make you tired, so take it before bed as needed for the next six months and see if it helps with sleep as well as better concentration and all that. As I told her, I don’t have insomnia all the time. Sometimes I’m up the standard 16 hours. But when it’s been 18 or more hours and Tom’s home (just because the EMDR has made me braver doesn’t mean I’m that brave), I will take a 0.1 mg tablet; the lowest dose possible, which they give to kids.

“If you like it and you want to take it every day, let me know when you see me again in six months and we’ll switch you to the long-acting version,” she told me.

I guess those are taken twice a day. Either way, I wonder if I should have just said no. The ADD and occasional insomnia haven’t killed me yet, I don’t need the clonidine to keep me alive, and this is just adding one more drug and yet more appointments. Nothing wrong with trying it at least once, though, and again, I’m my own boss. I can stop taking the medicine and cancel our November appointment anytime I want.

Later…

This is the first time after bombing that I’ve continued to find things in here… 2 silverfish and 3 spiders. Oh, they were on their way to the pearly gates, but still…

The weather was perfect for bombing yesterday because it was cool and windy. That way it wasn’t too warm in the storeroom for the rats, and the house didn’t get too warm when we were airing it out.

Since my one-year prescription is up, the pharmacist left a message with my doctor to refill it, but as far as I know, she hasn’t responded yet. It says it can take up to 72 hours and we did this just yesterday morning. She better hurry up, though. I only have four pills left. The last thing I want is for her to screw me out of a few doses right before labs, then not get an accurate reading. I will so let her have it if that’s the case!

I’m looking at the notes I scribbled down as I always do when I get up to help me remember my dreams. Well, I don’t know what “work at restaurant” or “guy opens door” or “banana chips” means, but I vaguely remember Steve, a neighbor I had back east. He entered a room I was in, wanting to be sure I was ready to give a speech that night.

“But what do I give a speech about?” I asked him, and he said it could be about whatever I wanted it to be about. Everyone was giving a random speech that night. So I thought about it for a moment and decided I would do a speech on PTSD.

Then Tammy appeared to be upset that I wasn’t wearing a particular shirt that I guess she hoped I’d wear for that event.

Speaking of Tammy, she’s failed every “test” I set up for her. She’s definitely ignoring almost all my emails and messages. But why? I wonder. If she can take the time to check into Facebook multiple times a day, couldn’t she leave a quick reply to at least some of the messages? Just wondering if she’s having doubts about being in my life. Or maybe she really is that out of it. I guess only she knows for sure.

The loud car has a new habit and I’m wondering if the driver got a job. They leave at 6:30 AM and they return around 5 PM. Yesterday I was hoping they wouldn’t want to go out again after a long day at work, but they did. They weren’t gone long, but they left after 9 PM and returned an hour later. So I’m still hearing it about four times a day.

Still hearing the woodpecker at times too, and I really don’t think there’s anything we can do about it. I’m just too noise-cursed. It’s like the more I try to fight it, the worse it is.

Tom’s enjoying it, but I just can’t get into the new Twin Peaks. Therefore, I’ve begun watching 13 Reasons Why on Netflix. It has to do with a high school student who committed suicide. She leaves behind some old fashion cassettes for a handful of people that are supposedly some of the reasons why she killed herself.

Jumping back to Twin Peaks and all its weirdness. When I think of the afterlife I sometimes wonder how similar it may be if there really is one. Maybe it’s just a bunch of mismatched shit that may not be real but that’s very real to our spirits. Maybe you could appear to be sitting on a serene beach for a few minutes. Then maybe the next minute you’re being devoured by a pack of wolves. Or maybe we get to live out the dreams and goals we never achieved in this life. And maybe we get to do things and go places we’ve always been curious about. Maybe we suddenly know it all and have all the answers to the things we’ve always wondered about.

Some people believe that if they’re cursed in this life, then that has to be a sign that the afterlife is better since they’re kept alive long enough to continue to suffer.

But what if it’s the other way around? What if the bad things that happen to some of us here are to later show us that the afterlife is so much worse?

I decided to make my group ‘closed’ just to see if it generates new members. Maybe they’ll be curious as to what they can’t see and feel compelled to join.

I’ve been configuring iTunes, as well as playlists on Amazon and YouTube, so I can listen to music on my Mac only without having to record and transfer songs. Tom can use my ancient Windows laptop we got in Oregon for other things. Doing it this way has its pros and cons. Some features are cool but then there are other things that aren’t as convenient. I can’t jump a few seconds over boring parts of songs, but I love how iTunes has an equalizer with each song that you can set to customize each song.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 24, 2017
Enjoying the early morning peace and quiet before it’s lost to traffic and landscaping.

Decided to take a day off from going out running due to a little pain in my knee. I have enough other things to do anyway.

I also decided I would see Dr. C by myself tomorrow. With nothing out of the ordinary going on right now I don’t feel the need for Tom to go in as extra support, which he understands. It’s usually only when something new is going on or I’m extremely wound up that I like to take him along with me.

Hopefully, we can talk about the last few years and what got me to see her in the first place rather than what happened 20-30 years ago because I don’t feel the past is relevant to a case of hormonal nightmares brought on by perimenopause and adjusting my thyroid medication. She should have some history on file from Dr. L anyway.

If I could know that this was truly it and that the perimenopause was over along with the extreme anxiety that went with it, then I wouldn’t feel the need for any more lorazepam. But I can’t possibly know that and I’m afraid to get my hopes up and jump the gun. Fate has teased me enough with that in the past where I thought it was over just to find out a few months later that it wasn’t. Common sense, however, says that given the length of time I’ve suffered on and off, I should definitely be nearing the finish line if I haven’t crossed it yet. If I can stay calm until September, then I’ll feel more confident about the torture being over because that will make it over six months. It’s been just over four months since I saw Stacey. I don’t miss her as much as I thought I would, but she played an important role in this and I’ll definitely never forget her.

My only real concern right now is what my TSH score is going to be. If it’s up, then the anxiety I had a few months ago might have been more connected to that than my doctor realizes, which might mean I could suffer on and off for the rest of my life every time my TSH slipped down. I’m not really sure how that works and if it’s common to fluctuate a few points up-and-down regularly, or if it settles in on the same number so long as the thyroid doesn’t die anymore. The medication should prevent further death of the gland as well as enlargement. I really hope to hell I’m no more than one point up or down if I’m not the same because then I’ll feel more confident that it was the peri.

So much for thinking I had another hour before the peace was destroyed because that loud car just left. They haven’t lowered the price of the house yet either. It’s never going to sell at that price. I don’t understand why the realtor hasn’t talked some sense into them. It’s going to take a year or more to get these fuckers out of here.

Anyway, I’ll see Dr. C tomorrow while we bomb the place’s spiders, probably ask for one more bottle of lorazepam (the bottle I have has lasted since July 9 and I still have almost 20 left), then hit the labs in early June. Then I’ll see Dr. A a week later and hopefully, that will be it until my September dentist appointment, though I will contact the GYN at the end of my steroid treatment and see what she wants me to do next. I’m hoping a follow-up won’t be necessary. I’m definitely opting out of surgery, though. Quality, not quantity. That’s what I’m all about. I’ll take a good quality 30 more years before I take a not-so-good quality 40 more years.

If all goes well I should be cut down to just six appointments a year between Dr. A, ENT, eye doc, and dentist!

Had some dream about meeting Goldie H and Jim R in a restaurant somewhere.

MONDAY, MAY 22, 2017
“Preparing” a bathroom before leaving a crowded house to go on vacation, meeting some guy on the road, sharing a bed with some woman in a hotel while a guy and a gal I knew shared another… that’s all I remember for last night’s dreams.

Wow. Just wow. So now the Muslims are bombing concerts? How many more innocent people have to die before we finally pull our heads out of the sands of “political correctness,” accept that we’ve got a group of very sick twists on our hands, and deal with them appropriately? Not sure what would be appropriate, but there are more of us than there are of them. I’m sure something can be figured out, like maybe not letting them into our countries in the first place. I think they should be confined to one area and forbidden to enter other places. Then they can all have fun killing each other.

Went for a walk at the crack of dawn and crossed paths with Bob.

Then I was talking to Tom about pulling clothes out of the dryer and Alexa thought I was asking her for the weather in Dreyer, Texas.

Yesterday I gave my Blogger blog a whole new look and received the pink rose curtains. They’re not as nice as the green willows with the gold trim, but still okay.

Watched the first two episodes of the return of Twin Peaks, and so far I’m not impressed. It’s both slow and senseless.

In last night’s dreams, someone asked me what the meanest things were that my mother and her mother ever said to me.

“Someday you’ll be too fat to fit through the doorway,” I was happily informed by my grandmother as a child. Funny too, since I’ve never weighed more than 153 pounds at my heaviest and she was well over 200 pounds. As they say… people often are what they pick on you about.

“Try it again. Maybe next time you’ll succeed,” this was the wonderful advice my mother gave me when she came to my hospital room after I tried to commit suicide in my teens. rolls eyes Yeah, I had a great support system back then. And what did my father do about his wife’s words of wisdom? Not a thing.

The best part of waking up was knowing that this is so ancient history and can never happen again.

Another thing that puts a smile on my face is knowing that if I don’t like the new shrink I’m going to see hopefully just once or twice on Thursday, I can walk out of her office anytime I want and never return. Places like Brattleboro, Valleyhead and jail have a way of making you all the more grateful for freedom of choice. It’s just taken me some time to get used to actually utilizing it after so many years of having so many of my decisions made for me.

SUNDAY, MAY 21, 2017
Learning more about acupuncture and the way it can help with various things. I know it can help with hunger but I’m not sure yet as far as weight loss and improving my eyesight. Can’t hurt to try it for a while and find out.

The temps have been in the 90s, which is great because then it doesn’t get chilly in the early mornings inside the house. It needs to stop getting below 70° at night in order for the pool to warm up. I wish they would just heat it normally. This isn’t an ideal climate for solar-heated pools.

I jumped on Amazon to start researching laminate flooring and accidentally stumbled across these interlocking foam mats with printed “wood” on top. We’re going to start with getting the smallest amount for $20 and put it in the shed and see how well it holds up out there. It would be a cheaper alternative to laminate flooring and looks very realistic. One person had a bad experience with it in the reviews, but the other pictures I saw look like real wooden floors. Since this is our practice house, so to speak, and since we’re going to be here several more years, this would be a good time to take the opportunity to see how well it holds up. It would be nice to know exactly what to get in the next place instead of wasting money. If we like this stuff, then it would only cost $100 to do the kitchen. I chose the white oak. I suspect they’d feel nice to walk on. The sticky tiles, for some reason, were cold to the touch as opposed to linoleum.

So we’re going to order that, plus a pink armband from my phone for when I’m out running, and a shoe stretcher. My flower shoes are still a little snug on me.

We went to Walmart this morning and I got a long colorful beaded necklace, a couple of packs of scented wax cubes, and a really cool small sequined pillow. If the sequins are all facing one direction where the gold side is showing, you can then rub your hand along it and it will flip them over to the silver side. Tom wrote “hi” on it in the store, LOL.

A couple of friends of a Facebook friend joined my group yesterday, but no one else has joined since.

Is it just me or do others find those “share to show you care” posts just as annoying as I do? Like we’re supposed to feel guilty if we don’t share because that supposedly means we don’t care? I just wonder why so many people feel the need to validate their friendships like that. If you feel you need to “test” them to see if they care, then maybe you should just delete them. :-)

SATURDAY, MAY 20, 2017
I’m reading the book Secrets to Die For by L. J. Sellers, and it’s not only a great murder mystery, but it’s a reminder that what some people think is a matter of opinion is really a matter of simply being incorrect. It deals with hate crimes against lesbians.

The book discusses the common myths that go with the subject… thinking all lesbians hate men, that they were all raped or molested, that they choose to be that way, etc. It’s one thing to say that in my opinion pink is the best color, but I’d be full of shit to say that people don’t need oxygen to survive. Nobody wakes up one day and decides, “I’m going to be gay/bi/lesbian today, the most hated lifestyle on earth.”

And like the book said, what lifestyle? Gays, bisexuals and lesbians live the same lives anyone else lives; they just happen to be attracted to the same-sex, a biological variation on sexuality that plenty of scientific research supports. 1 out of 10 people are gay and that’s probably only those that will admit it. I think it’s more like 1 in every 8.

Also as the book said, is discriminating against gays really any different than discriminating against lefties simply because they’re different? And again, “different” isn’t always as different as some may think it is.

Alexa now has this chat bot thing where you engage her in a conversation, but it’s kind of boring so far.

The green willow curtains for the window by my desk arrived and they’re gorgeous. I love the gold glittery trim at the edges of the leaves. I hope the pink roses for the dining room come today.

I created a public Facebook group to share random pictures I found around the web, mostly of nature and animals, but so far no one’s joined, other than the few friends I’ve added. Andy has a couple of groups where he posts pics of sexy men, one of which has nearly 10,000 members. I never really saw the point of groups, but then I thought it might be fun to see how many members it might acquire, what they might have to share, etc. I doubt anyone will join because it’s not worth it to me to put all the effort that would go into promoting the group. I’m not that sociable online.

I’ve proven to myself that I can do this type of IF diet a lot easier than when I didn’t eat for the first 8 hours of my day. That was just way too long and damaging to my metabolism. But I’ve been having approximately 1500 calories a day, which is what it takes to maintain my current weight. The next step is to see if I can cut a third of my calories out, or at least close to it, to lose 20-30 pounds, but I have my doubts on this one. I shall soon find out for sure!

Last night I dreamed I was with my VH sisters. We were all living in some large building somewhere. I was talking to Maria, and at one point she was talking to someone while standing in a doorway. I could see what appeared to be Marsha C beyond the partially open door.

Then Maria was looking forward to reading a journal I wrote only I don’t know if I wrote it for her or about her. I then gave her my full name, including my maiden name, and asked her to find what info she could find on me. I guess I was just curious as to what she might come up with.

Then I was talking on the phone with my mother. I don’t remember what our discussion was about, though.

THURSDAY, MAY 18, 2017
I’m in a lazy mood right now. Not tired, but not exactly energetic either.

As I said I would, I circled around the block and found the same three cars at the house that’s still for sale, including the loud one.

Lost a pound in 3 days since starting the new diet, but I don’t expect to lose more than a total of 5 pounds. With my metabolism the way it is, treated or not, my body just won’t give up the weight. Not unless I get horribly sick or anxious. No thanks! I’ll keep the extra 30 pounds. This should definitely help keep my weight where it’s at, though. I love being able to eat every hour 8 times. The only catch is that in order to be able to do that I can only eat for 8 hours of the day, so that’s why I trim the first 4 hours off my day and also the last 4 hours. He thinks I’ll gradually keep losing, but we’ll see.

He’s lost over 10 pounds on his own diet where he cut himself to about 1700 - 1800 cals a day from nearly 3000. But he’s a male and he doesn’t have Hashimoto’s either.

A couple of times since my last period in mid-March I started to retain water and I felt like I was gearing up for another period, but then I would lose the water. If I can get to his birthday without a period, that’ll be a record-breaker for me.

Since finishing up Bosch on Amazon, I’ve been watching the final season of Pretty Little Liars on Netflix. I know the show is geared towards teens, but it’s packed with so many surprises, twist and turns, and I really like the nonstop action and guessing, as opposed to your typical predictable kind of show where you pretty much know how it’s going to end.

Really excited for the return of Twin Peaks on Showtime! That was one of the best shows ever made. Totally unique, eccentric, mysterious and unpredictable.

Sometimes I watch Real Stories documentaries on YouTube. Well, I was always aware of who Elizabeth Smart was, but yesterday I learned the details when I saw her case. I was appalled by the way some reporters handled the case, especially Nancy Grace. What a fucking vulture the way she would persistently pry the poor girl for information she clearly didn’t want to discuss. “Nancy Disgrace” would be a more appropriate name for the heartless bitch. She had no empathy whatsoever during the interview and even appeared to be amused. She calls herself a victim’s rights advocate but she seems more of a bully to me. The way she handled the Jodi Arias case (not that I’m even remotely close to being an Arias supporter), reminded me of high school. Here you had this “popular” person openly bashing the underdog. It wasn’t the fact that she reported details of the case, but how she went about it that disgusted me. She would constantly express her dislike and even hatred for Jodi, but at the same time, it was like she was obsessed with her. If she doesn’t give a shit about these perps, which I truly understand, she should at least think of their families and grow up a little. Runner up to the actual victim, I felt bad for Arias’s mother and the blatant lack of respect the woman was shown all in the name of “entertainment.” I would still rather see her go Girl Interrupted on someone like Arias, though, than pick and tear at a victim’s sensitive wounds like she did with Smart.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 17, 2017
Is all hate fear-based? I know a lot of people think it is, and I believe that some of it truly is. People are often scared of what they don’t understand or agree with. Things they might not have grown up with or simply aren’t used to seeing. Maybe you’re not used to seeing the drag queen twirl around in his colorful dress. Or maybe you’re not used to seeing the biracial couple with their cute kids in tow.

But what about the people who hate those who pose no threat to their safety in any way shape or form? That can’t come to your house and beat you up? That can’t take your home or your job away from you? I think sometimes people hate someone for something they said or did, but they aren’t the least bit “afraid” of them in any way. I hated Osama bin Laden for the pain, misery and death he caused, but I never feared him personally. He was never going to show up on my doorstep ready to kill, nor was he ever going to burn our house down while we were out.

It seems people often have false truths about certain situations and people that are just that… false.

Not everyone who may despise us fears us.

Lesbians don’t hate men any more or less than straight women but simply aren’t attracted to them.

If God didn’t save some poor starving kid in Africa, He might not save you, if He exists in the first place.

Bisexuals aren’t “confused.”

Going out in chilly weather with wet hair doesn’t increase your chances of a cold.

Not all homeless people “ask” for it.

You can’t get rich simply by wishful thinking.

Glad to say the Scar Away scar gel is working after all! It’s slowly fading the scarred skin to match the healthy skin. I guess these things just take time. It somehow changes the skin’s pigment and all that.

Also, the new diet is getting easier as well. It seems that for me it doesn’t get easier until the third day and that’s where I’m at right now.

Tom stopped by the office on his way home today and they didn’t have the keys, so we may remain forever clueless as to what happened to them and whether or not anyone’s got them in their possession. If they do, they’re worthless now.

Haven’t heard that really loud car in three days even though the house hasn’t sold yet. After I have my fish dinner and the sun sets and the temperature drops, I’ll head in that direction when I go out for my run and see if I can see what’s up. Then I’m going to run down to the lake.

Either the perimenopause is backing off or this is a much better mattress/mattress pad for me because I fell asleep without the fan on while it was in the mid-70s in here, and that would normally cause me to hot flash.

The bed vibe broke, but I slept well today.

In my dreams last night I watched a movie about a woman being stalked by this humongous woman with pigtails, contemplated whether or not I should take an outdoor shower vs. an indoor shower, and saw a gerbil with claws.

TUESDAY, MAY 16, 2017
This weather sucks. Running the AC yesterday, running the heat today. Hard to believe it’s going to be nearly 100° in a few days.

The woodpecker is getting more persistent. SO tired of having one thing after another no matter where we live. I got woken up today, but it wasn’t by that car, which I haven’t heard in two days. I was woken up by something that hit the speed bump too hard. I don’t feel tired, though. I’ve had good energy today and yesterday. I’m just frustrated with the fucking woodpecker. This is more than just a few scattered pecks now in its usual place over the back corner of the patio, and I’m still not sure what to do about it. I guess we blow the patio roof again and cut the trees even lower. I’m sure there’ll just be something else, though. If that car is gone, for example, God will just make sure whoever moves into their place has a motorcycle.

I am absolutely starving as I wait 4 hours before I can start eating. I still have another hour to go.

Really worried, based on how calm I’m feeling, along with other symptoms (2-3 shits a day, although solid, losing hair again, though most of it is still thick, water retention, weight not budging, etc.), that my TSH may be up. If it can drop from 10 to 7 in three months it can rise to that in three months, can’t it? If it is up, I’ll be damned if I’ll go to a higher dose. Not with how severe the consequences can be. I REFUSE to struggle with this medication on and off all my life. I can’t keep playing the appointment/medication game like this year after year. It really does have to stop… until I acquire my next health problem. Two PCP appointments, two dentist appointments, one ENT, one eye exam… that’s enough!

One of the dreams I had last night has me even more worried that my TSH could be up. I was reading the results of my tests online, all of which weren’t good, only it was Doc O who left notes about it and not A. “…that you should know,” was one of the things she said at the end of one sentence. They also tested me for marijuana, too.

In another dream, I was in a large building on an upper level. I’m not sure if I lived there or was just staying there temporarily, but when I looked out a couple of large windows at the awesome view, I ran to grab my camera. By the time I fetched it, I was frustrated because someone had drawn the drapes along the windows, blocking the view.

Then I was in a parking lot watching a couple of old ugly and very loud cars zip back-and-forth. One of the guys driving (a guy with curly blond hair) headed towards me and I realized he could hit me if he wanted to, but he stopped as soon as he saw me.

Then I was living in some apartment building where a rash of burglaries had taken place. A black woman was doing something to change or enforce the locks and I asked her if she had gotten to mine yet, and she hadn’t. The “apartment” actually looked like a small room. I was about to go out somewhere when I realized that the curtains were only pulled partway across the window and I debated whether or not I should pull them further across before I left.

Then there was a dream where I was sitting next to someone who had pink nail polish on. Every other nail was light pink while the rest were dark pink. They were to my right. To my left was a black woman.

Lastly, I was 40 years old again and we were looking to have me artificially inseminated.

MONDAY, MAY 15, 2017
When the new Miss USA was asked if she thought health insurance was a right or a privilege, she answered with the latter. Actually, both those answers are wrong. It’s a necessity.

Tom forgot to stop at the office to see if they had the keys before they closed. Meanwhile, he went to see if he could have new ones made up (for the car) and they wanted $80 for just one. Totally ridiculous since we could get two for $12 on Amazon.

A while back I was doing a partial fasting diet where I didn’t eat for the first 8 hours of my day. Then I could pretty much have what I wanted for the rest of the day as long as I worked out. This particular diet is not only bad for my metabolism, but I would get dizzy from it, so I decided on a better version of it. Instead of fasting 8 hours at once, I’ll split it up. Assuming I’m up for 16 hours on average, I won’t eat the first 4 hours of my day or the last 4 hours of my day. That way I only have to space my food out over an 8-hour period.

Saw Andy’s latest profile picture through Tom’s account. Damn has he lost a lot of weight! It’s always easier for the guys, though, and he doesn’t have a metabolic disorder either.

Later…

Back from my run and eating fresh strawberries. I know I shouldn’t judge, but I honestly don’t get the point of competing in eating contests. It’s unhealthy and it’s gross. I don’t see how being able to eat 108 chicken wings makes you a “winner” of any kind.

Alyssa’s FINALLY on Yelp. I got to write the review I’ve been wanting to write for quite a while now. Not surprisingly, Doc D still isn’t on Yelp.

SUNDAY, MAY 14, 2017
Tom and I got a lot done over the weekend and we even went out walking. Still not very good at sewer golf, LOL. That’s where our feet become golf clubs and we try to kick little pebbles into the sewers along the way. They carry rain and irrigation water down to the ditch.

It was my turn to lose something… almost. Dusk isn’t a good time to go out because there are a lot of gnats flying around, so I waited until after 9pm. Fewer people, less traffic. Headed out in the usual direction and realized I didn’t need my glasses since my long-range vision is still fairly decent. It’s seeing close-up and making out details that’s hard for me. But I could practically run around this park blindfolded, that’s how well I know it. I broke into a run at my usual point, swung around the lake and was heading up the hill when I realized they were no longer tucked into my waistband. My music must’ve drowned out the sound of them hitting the pavement. So I backtracked, figuring they would be where I was running the most, and they were. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if I couldn’t find them. I have another pair, plus my progressives.

It was so nice stepping out the door on the way out and just pressing the ‘lock’ button, and then pressing it again to light up the number pad on my way back in. No more keys. :-) The new locks do have a keyhole in them in case the electronics fail. We may like technology, but we don’t trust it. We’re no longer using the knobs since those use the old keys. To help get out of the habit of using them, I put a piece of tape over them.

We got same-day delivery on the locks and Tom installed them on both doors. You can have a code that’s between 4-8 digits, which we’ll change periodically. A tiny light blinks amber when the doors are locked, green when they’re unlocked, red when the batteries are low, and some other color if you make a mistake punching in the code. There’s also an option to have the doors auto-lock 30 seconds after they’re shut. We chose to use this feature on the front door because we don’t use that door as much as the back. All you would have to do is just turn the knob to unlock it if it did lock, but this way it’ll be easier when we’re bringing in groceries or something like that. You would think the thing would be smart enough not to lock the door when it was open, but we totally love them just the same. Maybe we’ll even take them with us when we move someday. We’ve got the old locks stored in a box in the utility room, plus the locks that were here when we first moved in.

It also came with a special tool to rekey the locks. We put each lock’s spare key, along with a key to the knobs, in the lockbox. The other set of those same keys is in the utility room. He’s still going to stop by the office on the way home tomorrow to see if anyone turned in the keys we lost.

The Walmart he went to doesn’t do spare keys, but once we get a new spare key for the Caddy, he can erase the memory and then re-program the new key along with the other old key.

When I asked him the other day if he thought I could be losing hearing in my good ear like I at least think I might be, he said, “I told you you’ve been losing hearing ever since we met.”

LOL, well so does everybody over nearly a quarter-century. I’ve noticed, though, that I’m playing my music a little louder, having more trouble hearing with background noise, and I didn’t even hear the washer the other day. We have a front loader, which is quieter than top loaders. As I walked by the laundry room I thought, wow, it’s quiet in there, and I wondered if the park turned off the water for a second. Once I stepped into the room and in front of it, I could hear it going.

I’ve wanted to try Poopouri, so I got a small bottle when we got our last Amazon order. They sure have some funny names for different scents like Poo La La, Trap a Crap, and others. I got the tropical one but it smells more like citrus to me. I always like to try things, though I think a common air freshener is the best bet. It’s cheaper and you have a better selection of fragrances that way.

It’s funny because I went to order the lavender vanilla and it came up saying that it couldn’t ship to this area. I was like what, do they think our shit doesn’t stink or something? So I had to get the tropical hibiscus.

He’s building a little spy camera to put in the carport. The round case he printed on the 3-D printer is so cool, and he’s using magnets to hold it together.

We transferred some songs that I thought would be suitable for running to my smartphone. I have been using the old phone because it’s small, but I like having a phone I can call out on if I want to.

I was sleeping just fine until a nightmare woke me up a few hours later. I had to take a lorazepam (this bottle of 60 has lasted me since July 9 and I still have 20 more) to relax myself enough to fall back asleep.

In the dream, Tom and I were home and for once the house looked like this house. The only difference was that the walls were made of curtains. I walked down the hallway and into the living room when I noticed the front door standing wide open.

“Someone’s here!” I shouted to Tom as he headed towards me.

I quickly turned around to make sure no one was standing behind me in the dining area, and no one was.

Then Tom said, “There they are!”

I asked him where and he pointed to the curtain at the side of the door. Then I saw the guy’s shadow as he began to run around the house towards the back. I quickly spun around to dash out the back door and try to catch the guy. I glanced behind me for a split second, noticing that he didn’t seem as eager as I was. I awoke in pursuit of the bastard, whoever they were.

Well, as far as cracking our codes in real life, good luck with that!

Finished Season 3 of Bosch on Amazon, so now I’m watching Season 7 of Pretty Little Liars on Netflix.

Nothing else woke me up today, and I don’t know if that’s because I was sleeping on my good ear when loud vehicles went by or because I just got lucky. I still think anything really loud might wake me up when I’m on my back or my bad ear. When lying on my good ear I can hear the vibration of the vibrator running, which will help mask out anything loud.

SATURDAY, MAY 13, 2017
Tom and I were discussing the rats and we both agree that while Burke and Simon could be related since rats can have a wide variety of markings and colors within the same litter, there’s no way Dumbo could be related. A top-eared rat simply can’t produce a Dumbo rat.

They were all waiting at their door for me to give them the bread I give them when I get up (they get their own loaves since I almost never eat bread), then later they were at the door to come out and play. I let them run around while I ate a huge salad and watched the last episode of Season 3 of Bosch. Then they went running home when I put the rest of the salad in their cage. So cute!

We’re waiting for the new locks to be delivered. We decided to go with one that was $107. This one has a code and will lock the doors automatically, but doesn’t have an alarm.

Tom is going to get another key made up for the Cadillac and then reprogram the chips in both keys.

We’re going to go somewhere on the 27th since the park is once again going to force live music on some of us who don’t want to hear the obnoxious thumping of bass in their homes for 4 or more hours. Why the fuck do they think we moved here? Well, it was supposedly to escape that kind of shit. I just worry this kind of thing is going to encourage more people to have loud car stereos in here. Hearing them on the freeway is annoying enough.

I was watching a documentary on what makes a person a psychopath. A lot of people think they’re crazy when in fact they do know right from wrong. The fact is that they’re incapable of feeling empathy, along with some other traits. Tom and I took this test at http://personality-testing.info/tests/LSRP.php that tells you if you’re a psychopath or not.

I scored 2.something for primary psychopathy, and I think 1.8 for secondary. Both of his scores were the same… 1.something. So I’m closer to being a psychopath than he is, LOL. Some of the questions were tricky, though, like the one where they ask if you would hurt someone’s emotions to get what you wanted. Would I hurt someone I cared about? Absolutely not. But some rapist I don’t even know? Someone who’s fucked me over in the past? Charles Manson? Sure I would if I wanted it bad enough.

They say psychopaths are born rather than made, but I think in many ways I had less empathy 30 years ago, though it really depends on the situation and who’s involved. I don’t have the bleeding heart for blacks that I would’ve had for them 100 years ago because today I see them more as victimizers than victims, and Muzzifuckers be damned!

On the other hand, I feel bad for some of the pranks that I pulled in the past. I could never egg a perfect stranger’s vehicle that never did a damn thing to me without feeling guilty. Yet I could do this 30 years ago without thinking twice.

Last night I dreamed we were on vacation somewhere. It almost seemed like I shared a room with a bunch of women I didn’t even know, one of whom had my dream hair, straight and smooth.

Then I said something about him and I not going on vacation someplace we might eventually move to. Later I was waiting for him to use a public bathroom somewhere. When he came out of the bathroom he was carrying a 2-foot plant, and I asked him how we would get the thing home.

Lastly, we were outdoors somewhere and I was looking at these mountainous rocks in which a swimming pool was built into a particular section that formed a long, irregular bowl. It almost looked like Turkey. Very rocky there.

FRIDAY, MAY 12, 2017
I usually blog toward the beginning of my day, but it’s been a rather busy day. Let’s see… where shall I begin? I guess I’ll begin with Tom losing the keys. It was just a small keyring with the house key and the Caddy key, though it also had a remote not just to unlock the car doors but to start it like if it’s a cold morning and you want to warm it up.

He noticed he couldn’t find his keys on his way to work this morning. Fortunately, he had a spare car key. He was able to lock the house by getting the backup key out of the lockbox. Thank God we were smart enough to get that lockbox, too!

We went over it a million times in our minds and we’re totally stumped as to where they could be. The most likely scenario is that they fell out of his pocket when he was taking the trash out yesterday or picking up the mail. Our only concern is that while many people here have luxury cars, most of them seem to be Infinity or Lexus models, not Cadillacs. So if someone picked up the keys at the side of the road or even down by the mailboxes, well, we’re the only Caddy on the circle as far as we know. I would think they would be more likely to steal the car than enter the house if anyone was going to do anything. We don’t have insurance to cover the car being stolen, but if God forbid it is, we’ll just buy a new car the next day. I just hope that if anybody does try anything, they do it when I’m awake so I can show them a whole lot of crazy followed by some busted fingers. The cherry on top of that would be a broken neck.

Since it’s unlikely the house is haunted and a ghost stole them, or that someone would break in while we were asleep just to steal keys, our guess is that someone picked them up that fortunately isn’t a thief. There is a slight possibility someone came in while I was sleeping (I wouldn’t hear it over the sound machine) thinking no one was home, then got scared off when they saw the bedroom door shut and realized someone was home. But I highly doubt they would lock the door behind them on the way out. We’re hoping they were turned into the office. We’ll call them on Monday, but regardless, this has given us tech fanatics the incentive to get high-tech locks, so we don’t have to carry keys when we go out walking or wherever. We had a few options actually.

We could spend no money at all and just switch them back out to the originals, since the previous owner, who’s got to have one foot in the grave by now, isn’t going to wait 4 years to break in.

For $100 we could get locks where you enter a numeric code.

For $174 we could get one that also has a code but that engages the lock on its own 30 seconds after being unlocked.

So we discussed these three options and the winner is option number two. It’ll be $200, of course, because we have two doors.

I asked Bob and Virginia if by any chance they happened to find any keys, and not surprisingly, they haven’t. They’d be the first ones to ask if the keys were ours if they had.

A couple of their age was visiting when I went over. Virginia said that Bob was about to come and see me, so I left Virginia to their company and Bob and I went outside. In the front corner of their place next to ours, they have these little sections where they’re growing tomatoes. Just above it beyond the retaining wall on our side are these things coming up that Bob said get “fuzzy” and blow all over the place, and so he asked if he could trim them. He said they recently sprouted up. I told him he could do anything he wanted and asked if he wanted us to do anything in particular. He said not at all because he’s not only home all the time and looking for things to do, but he gets that Tom’s busy working. Yeah, and I’m afraid to work with spiders and bees, LOL.

Later…

I rarely type anymore having been spoiled by speech to text. But my Mac’s microphone, which is plugged into a 32” TV that I use as a monitor, is a few feet away from where I sit. It still does a good job, but I find that inserting an earbud with a microphone makes it even more accurate. This way I can also talk softer when Tom’s sleeping even if he’s the heaviest sleeper I know and the bedroom is nowhere near where I’m sitting.

Today I have good energy, but yesterday I had horrible fatigue. So, since reflexology helps with hunger, I looked on YouTube for something that would help with that. You press a particular area of the foot and it truly does seem to give you a burst of energy. It didn’t give me as much as I would have liked, but it helped. There’s also a point at the base of the thumb that stimulates the thyroid, but as easy as I go thyrotoxic?

No. Fucking. Way.

The LA cityscape drapes arrived today and they’re awesome! I picked out half a dozen or so more designs and put them in the ‘save for later’ section on Amazon, so I can have a good variety. Because they’ve got pockets for rods instead of grommets, we had to use drape hooks for them, given the type of room divider rods they hang from. They’re technically for sliders, so if our next place has one, that’s where they’ll go. You can pretty much use them anywhere. Wall tapestries… whatever.

When I think of life’s annoyances, like the fact that that fucking car that’s insanely loud came and went four times in less than five hours, I think of the documentary I saw last night and realize I don’t have it nearly as bad as I could have it. It was filmed in Port Elizabeth, Africa and it talked about how the crime rate is so outrageously high there, how every other girl is raped, how poor the law, health care, schooling, housing, and basically everything is there. You’ve got whole families living in these tiny little shacks without electricity or plumbing, and it’s like OMFG! Losing keys is nothing.

Happy first birthday to my ratties! The crazy assholes we got them from said they were actually born on the 13th, so close enough.

They’re so cute the way they play when they’re out loose, and then run home after a while when they hear me putting treats in their cage.

I had a dream about my SIL Evie visiting. She told me our MIL saw pictures of my dolls and really liked big Barbie and her glittery lips. She doesn’t have glittery lips, but even so, Evie then said something about letting herself out with a key.

My dream notes say: Girl foot massage. I don’t remember that dream so I’ll skip it and jump to the biting rat. I was holding a rat that had its mouth open wide trying to bite me. I managed to stuff it into an aquarium with a cover, but it kept trying to push its way out. I struggled to press down on its head with the cover, not caring if I hurt it.

In the last dream, I was staying in a really nice hotel room with a really nice view. It was nighttime and I could see bright city lights below me that stretched on for quite a distance. I entered the room, which had a wall-to-wall pool. The floor was literally covered in 2 feet of water. I happily dove into the water, which felt warm at first, but then got cooler the further I swam into the room. I shimmied back and forth to try to mix the water up and even out the temperature. Then for some reason, I spit in the water and quickly regretted it since I didn’t want to be swimming in my own spit.

THURSDAY, MAY 11, 2017
Los Angeles is coming to NorCal! As I think I mentioned before, we have a very large bedroom in which we added a divider in order to create a little “retreat” of sorts in back. The rods are up, and at first I was considering getting these plain beige curtains made by the makers of the rods. Then I decided to look at scenic curtains. Wildflowers in a field along with a close-up of cherry blossoms were absolutely gorgeous, but I thought they might clash with the pink-purple floral blanket, so I decided to go with a scene of LA at night. More appropriate for a bedroom anyway. If I like the way this curtain looks I may get others in the future for variety… beaches, forests, flowers, etc.

I almost got the Manhattan cityscape, but felt that one was a little too lit up. Anyway, my city arrives tomorrow, along with a couple of sets of sheer curtains that were much cheaper for the dining area and by the front door. Pink roses for the dining room, green willow vines for the other.

For the last three years, I’ve had garden curtains in the dining room and a beach scene by the front door, so it’s time for a change.

What’s cool about the cityscape is that it’s not a drawing or computer-generated, but an actual photograph.

Been getting a lot of journal readers on Prosebox lately and I wonder why. It sure is interesting, though.

It was 67° in here when I got up at 8:30, and it’s getting down to 45° tonight. :-(

Where I was worried that my TSH would slip too low, now I’m a little worried that it’s on the rise again. Unfortunately, I’m an experienced enough “Hashi” to know the symptoms. I’ve been very calm, had to stop and think for a few seconds when asked for my phone number, and I’m experiencing more fatigue, even though that could be a combination of PMS and perimenopause. My joints have also been stiffer lately and less flexible. I was zipping up and down the house yesterday afternoon doing stuff and I felt “heavier,” even though my weight hasn’t changed. My skin isn’t drier, though, and I’m not retaining water, experiencing a hoarse voice, or losing any hair.

If I do find out that my TSH has risen, I’m going to be more convinced that my anxiety might have had something to do with the lower TSH than just perimenopause alone. I’d love to see it lower with me this calm, though.

Later…

The fucking woodpecker has been at it again. I really think we need to trim the trees even lower, like below the roof. Then again, because it’s me living here I’m sure I’ll be stuck with it for as long as I’m here.

I anonymously left the park a message saying that I was so glad a certain house is for sale because of all the rules they broke (kids, dog) and now this really loud car that wakes me up at night, just in case our hunch is wrong. We suspect they got complained on and are being kicked out. The contractor, who knows? But these people likely got caught breaking one too many rules for way too long. Just in case they didn’t, though, the office will now know what they’ve been up to, if the assholes have trouble selling the house, get frustrated and give up. They’ve already given up once before.

Last night I dreamed I pulled a couple of soup ladles from a drawer and decided I would use a large black plastic one. I don’t know if it was dark in the room or if I had my glasses off, but I could see that there was stuff in the ladle; just not what it was. I went to dump and flush it down the toilet, and then waved my hand over the motion sensor flusher which was this weird-shaped open pipe that was inside the toilet bowl.

Then there was something about a sculpture coming to life (a man’s face), and then me shutting the door at night before a moth got in that was fluttering about.

I was remembering my youth in another dream and thinking of how much I’ve changed physically over the years, as well as my way of thinking and my perception of time.

In the last dream, Aly tweeted a link to Kim about something she found on me. Some kind of information, I guess. I clicked the link but couldn’t read anything because I didn’t have my glasses on.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 10, 2017
So glad I got through the first third of the month without anxiety! Especially since the 10th seems to be one of the days it loves to strike. Now if only I could get past A! To get to our anniversary would be wonderful.

What’s not so wonderful is that my pit zits are back, and again I’m wondering if it’s the same thing I’ve got between my legs. Just wish I knew exactly what it was and how to treat it. It had backed off but then returned to haunt me. If it’s still an issue when I see A, I’ll ask her about it.

Having fun creating a board of scenic curtains from which to choose a design for the bedroom. The soundproofing material is a joke and we already got the rods, so I may as well decorate and make it look good. I don’t want a design that’s gonna clash with my pink floral blanket, so I’m thinking of a cityscape at night. There was one of Manhattan as well as LA that I liked, and I think I’m going to go with LA. Its colors are muted and consistent yet there’s still a lot of detail to see.

The cityscape is expensive at $65, but then I found these really cheap and gorgeous curtains (probably from China) to replace the scenic garden in the dining room and the beach scene by my desk for an additional $10. They’re sheer curtains that I’ll put in front of the blinds with different designs. One has pink roses and the other has green hanging willow vines

Two more months and we’ll have lived here for four years. It’s both quieter and not since we moved in. Next door has been quieter. It’s not the neighbors that are noisy, it’s the traffic and landscaping. I’d say the neighbors have been quieter, the landscaping is the same (nearly every day), but traffic is much worse. More motorcycles and loud vehicles in general.

Next door has been quiet, Geri sometimes has company and I can hear them doing her yard or loading and unloading things from their truck, but she’s otherwise quiet. Her dog gets annoying at times when she’s walking it, but she’s a good neighbor. Trisha is quiet, and the only time I heard noise from the “Twenties” was when they were having their place tented for termites. As for the people behind us, they’re quiet, whoever they are. We never met.

I started off yesterday with the same major fatigue I’m feeling right now, but after I had a salad I perked right up. I don’t have any more salad at the moment. What am I going to do, though… have fatigue and lightheadedness in the spring and summer and then anxiety in the fall and winter? I had this kind of fatigue start up around this time last year. I normally have the energy of a two-year-old and I would like to feel that most days like I used to… without the anxiety. It’s been a few months without anxiety, which is great, but I’m not ready to assume I’m done with that any more than I’m ready to assume I’m done with periods.

Anyway, once I perked up I did a lot around here. Since those sticky tiles we got won’t work on our linoleum floors, I decided to stick them on the back wall of the closet to brighten it up in there and make the clothes stand out better. I hate dark paneling. I thought it would look kind of tacky and silly at first but it actually looks pretty good. So now the tiles won’t go to waste and I have about 17 left over. I can totally see how they can only be used on smooth surfaces.

I also sorted through our kitchen utensils, weeding out what was either old or not needed and then reorganizing the rest before returning the stuff to their drawers.

Although we can’t ever imagine Tammy having any form of Alexa because she and Mark just aren’t the tech fanatics we are, the newest video version of her has an interesting feature called “drop-in” where she could just say something like, “Drop in on Jodi,” and if I happen to be within hearing range, I could answer. Pretty damn cool.

TUESDAY, MAY 9, 2017
My hair, which hasn’t been cut in years, now gives me headaches when I put it up for too long. Hmm… cut it off or stop putting it up?

If only Social Fixer didn’t come with glitches. The news is a sure way to bring a person down. Some guy in another country having to do two years for blasphemy because his opinion didn’t conform to popular opinion, a teenager arrested for assault, etc. And you know what’s sad? The teenager is probably only going to get a slap on the wrist as he would if he were an adult. I’ll never get why people care more about what you say, think and believe as opposed to what you do. So much for the old adage about actions speaking louder than words, right?

I saw a comment about religion being the worst slave master ever and I couldn’t agree with that more. If only the God fantasy were never created right along with religion. Religion gets in the way of so many things and has been the root cause of so much delusion and destruction in this world.

But everybody wants to control people, so I wonder… if that load of bullshit hadn’t been created, would people have come up with something else? Some other excuse to control people so they can feel oh so powerful and superior?

Here’s another thing I don’t get… when people don’t get what they want in life they often shrug and say, “Oh, God has other plans for me.”

But even if there was a God (and I personally don’t see the scientific evidence to support that fantasy, belief, delusion or whatever you want to call it), it’s your life, so shouldn’t you be the one making your own plans?

God or not, life is rarely what we plan it, though what we end up with isn’t always a bad thing either. But still… what’s the point of creating a bunch of beings and writing a life script for them while those very people you scripted are arguing that they, in fact, have all this free will that they don’t really have? Sure, I can choose whether or not I want to wear pink lipstick today or red lipstick. But that doesn’t mean I can choose to strike it rich or grow wings and fly. So I don’t think we have as much control as we sometimes like to think we do; I just don’t know if our destinies really are shaped and planned by an invisible entity. Most likely it’s just random happenstance.

While I’m on a list of things I don’t get… why is there so much hatred for Jews and gays when they haven’t caused a fraction of the problems some other groups have caused? When have you known Jews or gays to be notorious gangbangers, welfare bums, rioters, or to go around beheading people for having a different set of beliefs? Yeah when it comes to the people who love to do just that, everybody acts like they’re these oh-so-abused little victims instead of the malicious victimizers that they are. What the fuck is up with that? Just wondering.

Okay, enough God/religion talk, along with life’s injustices, and onto these damn tile floors. We made a HUGE mistake in getting these sticky tiles. Part of it is our fault because it specifically said not to stick them to linoleum that has a slight texture to it. They can only be stuck to very smooth surfaces. In time we’re just going to slap down laminate flooring like we should have to begin with. I’m considering this the practice house so we can get things right the next time around whether it’s in Florida, Nevada or Hawaii.

Fell asleep early because I cleaned the whole house in one day which took over four hours and did a bunch of other stuff I don’t usually do all in one day. Sure enough, that fucking car woke me up at 10 PM or so. I swear to God (imaginary or not) if they’re not out of here soon…

The house is still listed for 130K, but the one next to it dropped 5K. Yesterday I could have sworn I saw a moving truck head over there. There are several throughout the park that are for sale, some going for close to $200,000.

I dreamed I was posing in a frontward lunge, back arched, face facing the ceiling, arms hanging at my sides. “Can you do this?” I asked Tom, who said no.

Then there was something about a baby named Carrie and a woman who silently walked across a narrow dirt road that I walked down in some wooded area. I came across a guy doing something at the side of the road with four large dogs. I was afraid they would go after me at first, but they ignored me.

Then I was in my bedroom that didn’t look like mine. It was evening and I asked Alexa what the date was and she said it was the 11th. I rose to look at a calendar and saw that I had an appointment that evening with the shrink between 7 PM - 8 PM and that I would be up for 16 hours by that time.

Then there was a flicker of a dream where I observed a white guy and a black guy sound asleep with their arms around each other.

MONDAY, MAY 8, 2017
Going to get cleaning in here as soon as there’s a little more sunlight. We hung up the rods in the bedroom. There is a sheet of soundproofing material that’s going to hang behind the curtain that we’re eventually going to add, but I don’t think it will do much good. Too close to the road, too much loud traffic.

If anything is going to stop traffic from waking me up it’s going to be the vibrator that we slipped under the mattress pad. Time will tell.

Went to Goodwill yesterday. Got a couple of dolls for about $6 total. Both are porcelain and both will be Cali dolls. I doubt I’ll take them when we move. One’s about 8” with painted blue eyes, a lovely purple floral dress, and a long blonde braid to her feet. Maybe some version of Rapunzel, I guess.

The other one is a 12” “kissing” doll. Her eyes are closed and her lips are pursed to give you a kiss. She has long blonde braids and came in an absolutely hideous dress which I changed when we got home and I cleaned her up.

Doll restoration is still a fun hobby for me as much as I complain about having more to dust. I only have half my collection of dolls and other knickknacks on display right now. I have hundreds of pieces collected over the last two decades. As is the case with most collectors, I don’t have everything out.

Even though my boobs aren’t sore and I’m not overly bloated, I am definitely PMSing. I’m tired even though I slept well enough not to remember my dreams, I’ve had backaches, I’m grouchy, I can’t get rid of my hunger no matter how much I eat, though reflexology helps a little bit, and I have light cramping that’s common before periods.

The morning sun has now hit the front of the house and I am going to make a goal of cleaning the entire house today.

SUNDAY, MAY 7, 2017
CRD worsens with age. I could keep a schedule for longer periods in my 20s, but once I hit my 30s there was no stopping it from jumping an hour or two a day. So on top of that, plus being a light sleeper and the perimenopause and the loud traffic, I now have a worse case of insomnia as well where I’m up 18 or more hours. Even so, I did manage to catch up on my sleep last night. It felt so good, too!

We got our groceries yesterday and I wasn’t happy to see that the 1 pound of bananas I ordered turned out to be 3 pounds. We later found that they didn’t charge us for the extra, so now we’ve got a lot of free bananas sitting here. I wouldn’t eat them all even if I could before they spoiled because bananas are major fart food. Eat too many and you’ll have the gas from hell.

Reflexology really does seem to help with hunger suppression. It certainly takes the edge off of it unless you’re absolutely famished. You just have to do it regularly. I’m doing a little experiment today. I can’t go too many hours without eating because I get dizzy and it’s not good for an active person whose metabolism is already fucked up, but I am trying to go from three hours to five hours between eating and eating three times a day instead of five or six.

In one of last night’s dreams, I was standing out front by what was supposed to be our house. There was a little fence surrounding our front yard and I was standing by it watching the neighbor I don’t have in real life put something into the back of a truck. I said hello to him and he shuffled over to me and said something inaudible.

Then Andy was in some dream where we were both standing by my desk. I wanted to sit in the chair but he was in the way. I playfully said, “Move over here, you big lug,” and I nudged him to the side.

Then I was getting my back massaged by a kneading cat.

SATURDAY, MAY 6, 2017
It’s been a whole year since I saw that stern, old, but highly intelligent and helpful Doctor O… yay!

I remember when Alyssa sent me my first referral online and how I said to myself, “What the hell is an endocrinologist?” I’d heard of them but didn’t know exactly what they did.

“These people treat diabetics, too?” I said to Tom as we sat waiting for the first one I saw, gazing at all the info posters and pamphlets around us.

“Yup,” he said. “It’s part of the endocrine system.

As we continued to sit there waiting, I studied the poster of the complex endocrine system hanging on the wall opposite where we sat.

I quickly decided that learning languages was easier.

Tom has now lost 11 pounds in 5-6 weeks!

In my dreams, I was sitting in a room in a chair. Also in chairs sat Tom and some woman. I was running a hand through my hair thinking how dead it felt as they talked. Then I stood up and said I thought I might be coming down with a cold.

I left them to talk some more and stepped outside. A cat was present and it followed me into a building. The dream ended after I opened the door and turned on the light.

Later…

I can’t do it. I just can’t do it. Less than 24 hours and I already miss seeing visitors from all around the world on my tracking log, and being surprised with random comments and feedback. I loved not knowing what I might wake up to each day. It was fun. I’m as sociable online as I am unsociable offline.

I’m still going to share entries on Facebook with Tammy because sometimes there are things I don’t want others to see, but that I don’t mind her seeing. My other blogs are public again. Again, I don’t give any info that could lead to my identity or whereabouts or that could lead to the identity and whereabouts of others, so I’m not going to worry about one troll whose identity I don’t even know.

FRIDAY, MAY 5, 2017
Ugh, that fucking car woke me up at 9:30, so naturally I’m too tired to workout. As if waking up cuz of the perimenopause isn’t enough. Also, had I slept the additional 2-3 hours my body needed, my weight would be down instead of up. I’ve absolutely had it with this shit! I’m so close to egging, dumping syrup or scraping a permanent marker along that fucking car… something… anything! I HATE just sitting back and taking shit, even if it’s “ok” and they’re not doing anything “illegal” or anything specifically aimed at me.

They’re asking 130K for their place. Remodeled or not, they’re not going to get that and I’m afraid they’ll be here for months, get frustrated, then give up again like they did the first time they put the place on the market. Another thing they have against them is the cemetery. Most people don’t want to live so close to one. The house next to them that’s going for 95K has been for sale forever.

I can’t say anything to them without risking trouble for myself (of course. Meanwhile, anyone can say or do anything they want to me and get away with it), but I did send their realtor an anonymous message bitching about them and all the rules they’ve broken (kids, loose dog). I hope it will get back to them and that they’ll more or less piggyback my two cents to them, but I doubt they’ll say anything.

People definitely love to break rules here. On our walk a couple of nights ago, someone’s mutt went off on us inside a picket fence when it heard us pass by. I hope that woke the owners up as well as the neighbors and that the neighbors complained. People just don’t want dogs as pets here. That is so fucking rude either way.

It used to be that things woke me up a few times a month, but now it’s a few times a week. Between that and the 3-4 bouts of landscaping I have to hear every single fucking day, I’ve really had it with this place. I haven’t slept this bad since my Phoenix apartments.

I not only wish we’d gotten the Newcastle place, but even the Lauppe place would’ve been better than this. The dog wouldn’t be any worse than all the fucking traffic and landscaping I hear here, and well, an anti-barking device certainly would’ve worked a lot better at just a few feet than it would have in Auburn at a few hundred feet. At least people couldn’t have driven by the bedroom there, and we would have only heard landscaping from the front of the house instead of all around us. Plus, it was a 3-bedroom, which I would have preferred, and I liked how you didn’t have to go through other rooms to access the second bathroom, as it should be. I would have slept in the back by the field and made my office by the driveway.

But then again my sleep has always been so cursed that God would have made sure they started some kind of construction to build something in the field behind the house. I may never know why I’m cursed, but I certainly get how this damn curse works. Even if the fucking car left right now there would just be something else. This house is way too close to too many roads for one who’s such a light sleeper and going through peri.

I still ask that age-old famous question of mine… why? I’ve never done this to anyone in my life; stolen their sleep regularly. Okay, maybe when I was a baby and when I would make prank phone calls in the middle of the night a million years ago, but whose sleep have I stolen regularly that I’ve been continually punished for decade after decade? The rats? I suppose my living life around them while they’re sleeping disturbs them from time to time, so is that it? I just don’t get it. Why is it that sleep has to be such a privilege, such a luxury for me that I have to hope for, work for and fight so hard to get? I’m a light sleeper, I have trouble falling asleep in the first place, I have trouble staying asleep, and I can’t keep a schedule… one’s sleep can’t get any more cursed than that.

I didn’t take anything last night but this time around I’ll make sure that I have a lorazepam out and ready for when they wake me up again.

Later…

Okay, Tom’s gone to work and I’m now about two hours away from the fucking landscaping and traffic annoyances, so I’m going to do some writing and as much as I can on the things that require a peaceful background so I can concentrate.

My pussy almost feels like it’s getting “zitty” again and burning more. Also, and sure enough, this comes after stopping the antibacterial soap. Really thought that with the steroid treatment, it wouldn’t matter what soap I used, but apparently, it might. I feel like this thing is never going to completely go away any more than my hormonal issues are ever going to give me a break.

Aly broke up with her girlfriend a while ago. She tweeted that she ran into her and no longer felt angry but still felt confused. I guess it’s still easier for her to stay angry at those who were there for you and honest with you.

Now that Rosemarie’s Revenge is finished I’m going to begin another story if I have enough energy for it. I’m going to keep my story account public because they’re just stories, after all. I did change its profile pic/name, plus I set Rosemarie’s Revenge to private now that it’s finished and those who might have been reading it have probably finished it. When I start sharing Kinky Kathleen (whose title may change) people will think it’s a brand-new account unless they’re following it. So using the random name generator, Amantha has become Ashlee.

The rods came to hang the soundproofing with, not that I expect it to do me any good any more than the second speaker which I’m placing directly on the bed for the next time I sleep.

The rods came in a long skinny box in which the rats are playing. The rats have two “tents” and two boxes to hang out in, along with under the footstool and behind my desk. I’m still so sick of their excessive timidness. Maybe if I do get pets after they die it will be a guinea pig. They’re usually not as timid after the first few days and I think they could climb these ramps.

My ENT appointment was short and sweet yesterday. There was just a little bit of dead skin, which she removed very easily. I won’t be going back to her for a year, I’m happy to say.

OMG, fucking parents and their fucking brats these days. As I was checking out, this couple’s brat was running around the place barefoot and screaming. Totally fucking ridiculous. The father didn’t do shit. The mother told it not to climb on some trashcan or whatever the fuck it was, and the kid defiantly said, “No.” So the mother just let him do what he wanted. I won’t even get into how badly I would have gotten my ass beat for acting like that and disobeying orders when I was that age.

Afterward, we went to Walgreens where I got some treats and Amazing Grace perfume. I tried the tester the last time I was there and really liked it.

Later…

After what happened yesterday on Prosebox, I’ve decided to go FO as many members are doing at least for a while. Someone had their private entries hacked. They had written things about their job and the asshole that hacked her shared the entries with her boss, causing her to lose the job. It was a job she supposedly loved and worked long and hard to get.

I don’t know who the victim is but I sure wish I knew who the perp was so I could block them ASAP. Dan, the owner, might know who it is and therefore I would think he would’ve banned them.

Even though my private entries don’t contain last names, addresses, phone numbers or even doctors’ names, it got me to see that you can never be too careful and you can never be too private. Yeah, seeing my visitors from around the world and being surprised by the feedback and questions I’d get may have been fun, but it’s better to play it safe, no matter how careful I may be to begin with. I figure that the fewer accounts I have and the fewer people that know about them, the less risk there is of any of them being hacked unless the site itself was hacked.

So I went FO on Prosebox and private on other sites. I will even be protecting my tweets. Even if it was harmless to share that I just put lotion on my hands, for example, does the whole world really need to know that? I’m fine with just my circle of friends on Prosebox, which apparently no longer includes Cassie. Yeah, funny how those who say they’ll “always look for you,” drift away in the end.

When I heard about this the first person that came to mind was Rachel. She’s the only one that has admitted to hacking people before. She’s always come off as a very moody, unstable and vengeful person. I haven’t heard from her in a while and I can’t say I miss her. Pretty sure she still reads me, though, and since the hacker could be anyone, I haven’t unfriended her.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 3, 2017
Got a third e-mail from Sirius asking me to confirm. I exchanged emails with them again yesterday and they said they’re investigating it. Tom and I think they’re just incompetent or someone signed up with an email similar to mine and made a typo. Then again, it hit me that I once entered a contest of theirs. That could be how my email got in their database. I’m not worried about it, though, either way. I sent them the screenshots they requested and the rest is up to them.

While the shampoo I got continues to help lessen hair loss, the scar gel I got is worthless so far.

It’s been in the upper 80s here and I love it! Bare feet, short sleeves… just the way I like it. :-) Where I used to run in the daytime now I’m going late at night. I like it better then anyway because it’s so peaceful and there’s less traffic. Part of it depends on my schedule too, of course.

Made it to May without anxiety. Now if only I could get through my June appointment for starters! The thing is that it’s going to be hard to keep the anxiety at bay as I get closer to my June labs. One step at a time, though. That’s my first goal; get to June. If I can conquer that, then my next goal will be making it to September, then finishing the year out anxiety-free. I’m afraid to get my hopes up too high because every time I think I’m over the worst of it, it returns to haunt me in some form or another. I still might have to skip a few doses every few months to keep the numbers from going too low, but mostly to prevent me from getting anxious.

Sometimes I feel like I’m getting a bit PMSy and will be in for another period, but at this point, I’m 3 weeks late. That’s another thing I don’t want to get my hopes up on since I went 3.5 months without a period last fall. If I could go 6 months then I might be tempted to think I might have finally hit menopause, though doctors consider it 1 year.

I know most dreams are just meaningless “spam” dreams, but I sure wonder about them sometimes, like why I’m always afraid of the snakes I encounter in my dreams when I have no fear of snakes in real life.

In one dream I had my own apartment on an upper floor in which I had a couple of windows open. My mother came to visit me and she said, “Shouldn’t this window be closed now?”

“No,” I told her, going to open the window that she started to close. I told her it was too early in the day to close them and that it would get too warm.

Then all of a sudden she’s eager to check out the new stereo I got.

A split second later I was swimming by myself in a pool that was filthy. Then another split second later it was empty, then filled again but clean this time. There were now several people in the pool with me as well as hanging around nearby.

I spotted Tammy on a lounge chair chatting with some people. She was holding a baby that she was bouncing and kissing playfully, saying how cute it was. Then she gave it to a woman who looked too young and too skinny to have just had a kid.

The weirdest dream was Nane and I sleeping on a blanket at the side of a huge house. I knew the house belonged to her but I don’t know why we were sleeping outside. The neighborhood was pitch-dark. There wasn’t a single streetlight at all.

Wearing just my socks and underwear I rose from the blanket and started walking a short way down the street. I laughed to myself knowing that people couldn’t see me because it was so dark. Heading back to the house was a little tricky because I had to climb these uneven rocky stairs, and then I was walking through a large muddy puddle up to Nane’s front door. I felt for the doorknob and found it weird that she left the key in it. I turned the knob and began to push the door open. Hearing movement inside the house but unable to see anything, I quickly headed back to the blanket to see if Nane was there or not.

Now there was a faint glow coming from somewhere because I could see the word “water” embossed on the edge of the porch. I was relieved to find the blanket empty because then I knew an intruder hadn’t gotten into the house and that the movement I’d heard came from Nane.

I then headed into the house, hoping I wouldn’t leave muddy footprints on the carpet. Nane was sitting on a couch facing me when the dream ended.

Then Tom and I were living in a house with a basement. He left for work in the morning and I thought to myself how I was going to be home alone both scared and bored all day. I guess someone was after me or I at least thought they might be. From the basement, I could look up the stairs and out the living room window to keep watch on anyone who might approach the front of the house. I was afraid to do anything else that may signal that someone was inside the house.

TUESDAY, MAY 2, 2017
Slept totally shitty not because the bed wasn’t comfortable and I’m not already used to it, but because I kept overheating like crazy. Even with the blankets pushed down to my ass and the fan blowing on me, the part of my body touching the mattress would feel like it was on fire. Why does this keep happening to me? This has been a Cali thing. It’s got to be either the peri or the extra weight; I’m just not sure which. There are people way heavier than me yet they don’t overheat in their sleep like this, do they? I mean, Tom doesn’t have this problem. So yeah, maybe it’s time to check out that waterbed mattress cover that Tom found in China for $200 that you fill with water and it either cools or heats you, depending on how you have it set. Hopefully, I could put the new mattress pad over that one, if we got it, and the sheets would still fit. This mattress pad is absolutely fantastic. Best one I ever had. I hope the heating and cooling effect will still work with it.

Let’s see… something about a cat and talking to Bob is what I remember for the vague dreams I had. Didn’t like the detailed one I had where Tom told me the car was eaten by termites and we had to figure out how to come up with the money for a new car. We seemed to be renting somewhere in the dream and not as well off as we are in reality.

Really hope we don’t have car troubles ahead! We still gotta do the roof.

Finished reviewing the Italian skill tree. Spanish review is up next.

Later…

I’m enjoying the last of the peace before somebody does something… landscaping… car door slamming, whatever. Tom said he was surprised I didn’t get woken up by the racket the park was making yesterday afternoon. He said it sounded like they were dragging something metallic along the streets. Probably has to do with some kind of landscaping project.

The Twenties are back on their service trip. Some work van was at their place yesterday and of course that meant I had to listen to annoying doors slamming. “Electrical” was the only word I could make out on the van. I’m sure it will be back today too, whatever it was. Since I’m going to be up throughout most of the day, I’m going to escape into the bedroom in a couple of hours.

Oh, and Bob and Virginia had a big party on Sunday. Virginia’s birthday? Pretty sure I read that she was born in May while he was born in September. I think she turned 85.

Since I was too tired to walk (that’s why I get out there every day I can as I know that within just a few days I’ll sleep shitty and be too tired), I worked out on the Bowflex.

Marie sent a message asking me to text her (some new service she got) so I sent her a few last night. She probably went to bed right after I sent them and isn’t up yet. Her hair is gray now and she looks like she’s aged quite a bit in just the time we’ve reconnected, though she’s still skinny.

We looked into that Chinese mattress topper, but not only are the Chinese not very good with English but they’re also not very good with describing their products very well and providing decent pictures.

We then looked into buying a waterbed liner and sack and building the frame ourselves but the sack would be too long for the platform I have.

I just don’t understand why waterbeds have gotten so scarce and so expensive.

I exchanged a few emails with Sirius yesterday, and they said they have no record of my email or name being associated with an account of theirs. So maybe the email I got asking me to confirm was just a scam where they hope you do have an account and to snag your password info once you sign in.

MONDAY, MAY 1, 2017
Some asshole used one of my email addresses to sign-up for SiriusXM in which I got two emails asking me to confirm, but I let Sirius know that it wasn’t me. Why would anyone want to sign up for anything with someone else’s email address anyway when you can’t confirm and verify the account???

I was LMAO the other night because while the weather in Massachusetts may be similar to ours, our old place in Oregon is still getting into the 20s at night, haha.

Went out to Walgreens at about 1:30 last night, but all we got were treats. I’d never heard of caramel M&Ms until I spotted them so I decided to try them. The cashier said they were the best M&Ms ever, but we thought they were just so-so.

I really miss having a deep fryer, but I won’t let myself get one because I know that I’ll get carried away with all that fried fatty food that isn’t good for me. Bad for cholesterol, heartburn and weight. I believe in those who say that food was meant to nourish the body, not be stuffed into it in unhealthy excess, and that’s exactly what I’d end up doing if I had one, LOL. Sure do miss those fried chicken wings and French fries, but what I don’t miss is cleaning the damn thing. That was such a pain.

After yesterday evening’s 2-mile run, I had a walnut cranberry salad, and after tonight’s I had some grapes. The two things that feel great after a run are a shower and some fresh fruit.