February 2017 in 2010s

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2017
Aly protected her tweets yesterday but now they’re public again. Just when I started to think it really was me that she was tempted to “call out,” and that I was the reason she protected them, now I don’t know what to think. Most likely she abandoned the account I’ve been messaging, otherwise she would have dumped it. She was probably referring to Kim, and she could’ve gone private for any reason.

A white couple in Georgia was convicted of making terrorist threats at a black child’s birthday party. Okay, agreeably it was an absolutely shitty thing to do, especially if they weren’t provoked in any way. But should the guy really get 13 years, and should his girlfriend really get 6? Rapists don’t usually get this harsh of a sentence. It just goes to show once again that words speak louder than actions in America. I’d be willing to bet, though, that had the colors been swapped, the sentence might still be harsher than “action” crimes, but not nearly this harsh.

The loud white dumpy pickup truck came to visit Geri as it often does yesterday evening. My first thought was, oh no! Go away. You can’t go inside and visit. You always have to be outside banging and slamming shit around in your truck and annoying me. But all I heard was a couple of clanks and scrapes from something moving around in the back and that was it.

Ugh, why do I have the runs like every week now? I took two normal dumps, then it was partially runny once, and then I had the runs twice.

I still can’t stand to follow my nieces because every time I do check out their wall on occasion, it’s daddy this, daddy that. I understand their grief, but isn’t it time to move on at least a little? It’s healthier to focus on the living than dwell on the dead.

Furthermore, I hated this fucking cock for so long and couldn’t wait for him to drop dead, yet now I’m hearing about him more. :-(

I don’t know, sometimes I still wonder if it would be better for me not to have anything to do with my family and the horrible people/memories associated with them. I wonder even more if I should live that close to them, but I’m not going to think about that this far in advance. I now believe Tammy will probably live a full life, but anything could happen between now and when we’re in a position to think of moving. I’d like to think we’ll have enough money to go straight to Hawaii, and therefore I wouldn’t have to consider how close to them we should go, but I doubt that’s going to happen.

Last night I dreamed I was living with my parents and Tammy. What is it with me living with the family in dreams? In the dream, I thought it weird that this time I had a different last name than my parents, especially since I was living with them.

Then I was lost in the public high school I attended for barely a year, and some of the students even recognized me. It was as if not much time went by from when I was actually a student there.

Then I was in some kind of funny farm, and even though it didn’t seem to be a bad place, I wanted to leave. But the woman who stood between me and my freedom was a strictie and I knew I had to kiss her ass a bit. I met with her in a small room where she’d recently awoken from a nap. She talked so softly that I could barely hear her and I made a comment about having to get a hearing aid. I then said something about leaving in 8 days and asked her to put it in writing that I would be leaving on such and such a date. In my mind, I was asking her to write the date down more so that there wouldn’t be any misunderstandings in dates since I could barely hear her. I showed her my deformed ear as she wrote it down, she took one look at it and said, “Wow, maybe I really am awake now.”

In other words, it was gross, LOL.

Later…

Landscaping. Every. Single. Fucking. Day.

On the bright side, Tom took a position he was offered, although we’re not sure how “bright” it will be. His pay went up a little over a dollar to something like $18.36, but since it will be fewer hours (supposedly) it will actually be a little less money, but as I said before, we’re willing to lose a little money in order for him to have his life back. The only unfortunate thing is that it’s still first shift. They may also be hoping to roll him onto a salary in a few months, which he would rather not do. That way they can try to take advantage of him and he would be more likely to be asked to travel. I could go with him, but they wouldn’t pay for my expenses.

Looking for a new series to get into. Although there’s only one season of Twisted, so far it seems pretty good. It’s aimed at teens, but a lot of the teen stuff is the same as the adult stuff, just minus the gore, sex and swearing. It’s an ongoing mystery as opposed to one or two crime cases per show.

Later…

Got auburn-brown dye in my hair and I’m waiting till it’s time to wash it out.

Poor Tom, who has exercised-induced asthma, was wheezing and coughing his brains out after I tried to coax him to run with me a little more this evening. I should’ve known better than to damn near black widow the poor guy! I’m younger, in much better shape, and not nearly as heavy. I’ll just run solo from now on. Biking is a much better exercise for him and it’s more fun, too. It’s just been way too cold for that. It was 56° when we went out, yet it felt like it was in the mid-40s.

Later…

OMFG, my hair looks awful! As usual, the dye wouldn’t take at the very center of my forehead or on the sides even though I swear I saturated it well. The color also clashes with my eyebrows. The people that made the dye must be colorblind too, cuz auburn-brown really means red. The gray that did get covered is red and the brown part is auburn. So just like before I’m 3-toned. Instead of gray, medium brown and dark brown, I now have red, auburn and gray. :( I’ll brown it out in a month or two.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, but I haven’t heard that insanely loud car for two days. Really hoping the person was just visiting. I thought they looked a little young for the place the couple of times I got a glimpse of them. Or maybe the “influencer” struck again with the little spell she did in her mind? That may be wishful thinking, but maybe not. I’ve wished upon a star a little too hard before, so anything is possible.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2017
Got up just after 11am and thought, wow, it’s oddly quiet around here. Nice, but weird since I’m not used to peace unless it’s at night, and even then I’m subject to some loud vehicles and planes. Sure enough, 20 minutes later someone starts mowing in front. Another 10 minutes I moved to the bedroom at the other end of the house with my coffee and someone’s running a blower. Oh well. It still beats listening to dogs bark round-the-clock, and anything is better than loud car stereos, though I do sometimes hear those blasting down the freeway. I think there are very few places on earth that don’t hear the damn things. Sad, huh?

Still doing okay on the steroid gel as far as any negative skin reactions go, but I think it might be making my mouth dry and me a little drowsy. I messaged Dr. G to ask if that was okay. I try not to read up on side effects too much beforehand otherwise they’ll be playing on my mind constantly.

I sure am hot flashy today. :-( My biggest fear is the anxiety returning. There honestly is no worse feeling on earth. But so far so good this year. I had just 5 anxious days in January and it looks like I’m not going to have any at all for February. Still, I live in the fear of it returning, even though I try not to and I try to think positive. It’s just such a merciless and unpredictable thing.

Getting a little watery too, so there’s another period out there somewhere. :-(

Last night I dreamed I was living with my parents and Tammy. A small band came over one night leading me to think that it had something to do with a contest I entered and something I won. There were about half a dozen members and they set up their instruments and started playing in our large living room. I soon caught on that they were just trying to sell something, so I yelled at them and told them to get out. One of the female members was crying on her way out. I started to feel bad for her and was on the verge of apologizing until I thought better of it, thinking that they should learn their lesson from this.

After they left I went into Tammy’s dark, windowless room where she had three pet rats of her own (haha). On the bed sat a surprisingly quiet three-year-old girl, whom Tammy said the band accidentally left behind. I was surprised because I didn’t remember seeing the kid before. We decided to wait until Mom came home to ask her what we should do.

Then I had a dream that I stupidly set my purse down just outside some fitting rooms to go glance at something real quick. That was all it took. My purse was gone when I returned to where I had placed it.

In the last dream, I might have sent an email to (Janet Jackson and Linda Ronstadt?) and was surprised with a reply. The email was set to disappear into thin air after a minute or so, so as not to possibly be hacked or traced.

I was looking back in my 1996 journal where I wrote about some of my childhood, and came upon something that made me utterly sick to my stomach even 35 years after the fact. Seriously, to say it wasn’t humiliating and infuriating is an understatement! It has to do with when I was in the Northampton State funny farm. I copied an excerpt (in italics) albeit with a touch of editing for better readability. I wasn’t a very good writer 20 years ago.

As much as I like to pride myself on having a good memory, my memory just isn’t what it used to be. Oh, I remember the state hospital quite well. The crazy old lady who beat me over the head with a bag in the bathroom without stall doors… the equally crazy lady in the bed across from me in my cubicle who constantly did herself while staring creepily at me… the guy who threatened me if I ever dared ask him for a cigarette again… but I totally forgot about this part until I read it.

At age 16, I was there for 8 days, but when I first got there I filled out a 4-day notice to leave. Even my parents were furious that I’d been taken there. When my notice to leave was denied, I sat on my bed crying. That’s all I did. I didn’t hurt anything, anyone or myself. Yet they tied me down to a small bed in a small room by my wrists and ankles for 2-3 days. My natural instinct was to try to fight them off as hopeless as it was. When I needed to pee, they’d bring a bedpan, and someone fed me as if I were a little kid. Once they untied one arm to allow me to feed myself, but I soon punched one of the staffers, so they tied me back down and continued feeding me themselves. It was amazing that the person feeding me didn’t choke me to death with the way they were shoveling the fucking food into my mouth.

Ask me again why I don’t believe in God.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2017
Decided to do an entry during what’s been a fun and productive weekend before I go out running. It’s 60° and I want it to get closer to 50° before I go out and I would prefer there not to be any direct sunlight.

I always wanted to try one of those moisture-wicking running shirts, so I ordered one on Amazon in orchid pink. Target’s prices are ridiculous. Why pay $16 for a moisture-wicking bra when I can get a shirt for a few dollars less on Amazon? So if I feel the one I’m getting Wednesday keeps me more comfortable I’ll get more like it.

I also grabbed another Hanes sweatshirt that they have for just $8 because they’re so comfortable and they’re great for running in colder weather. The material is thick and cozy. They’re good for anything… hanging around the house, running errands, going to appointments. They’re just a solid color, no-frills, simple but nice shirt. So now I will have a Hanes sweatshirt in magenta, purple and blue. Maybe I’ll get the green one someday. My specialty sweatshirts, the one with the aurora borealis and the dripping paint rainbow, are better for when I’m going out to see people I know.

We also went to Sam’s again where I picked up some Clorox wipes and Swiffer Dusters. Then I treated myself to another pair of Calvin Klein sweatpants, which are also good for just about anything. So now I have one in light gray and one in dark gray. Neutral colors that won’t clash with my colored tops. I’ll be changing up into a pair for my upcoming run.

Lastly, I also treated myself to a carousel of 100 gel pens in a rainbow of colors. I love the colors, but the pens are kind of shitty quality because they skip. They’re still good for my adult coloring books and notes. I always document what dreams I can remember from the night before when I get up. I love the carousel because once I use up the gel pens, I can move my colored pencils into it, my preferred medium for coloring as opposed to pens, markers and watercolors.

Oh, also on Amazon we ordered a tower air cleaner identical to the one we got to put by the rats. Even though it’s a little pricey, it’s one of the smartest buys we’ve made. It does a fantastic job and it’s so easy to change the filter. I love how the light turns from steady green to a blinking red when it’s time to be changed.

I applied the fourth dose of the steroid cream this morning and I haven’t had any issues.

We went out walking yesterday and Jon said hello to us. I noticed that Ray was visiting him again. I saw him the other day at the mailbox, too. I get the impression, not that it matters, that Ray doesn’t like me very much. Could it be because I’m a lot younger? Or maybe he’s just not a very chatty person with most people anyway. I don’t care either way. It’s just something I noticed. He lives 2-3 houses down from Bob and Virginia.

Other than hearing the usual mix of landscaping and loud vehicles, it looks like the lady on the corner of Oak & Astro, diagonally from the second bedroom, either died or was moved to a home. So now I have to worry again about what may end up too close for comfort. They’re not as close as the last two houses that sold near us, of course, so I’m not too worried, but they’re definitely much too close for a motorcycle. It’s amazing how many people have moved into this park in the 3.5 years we’ve been here!

I’m going to spend the evening relaxing with audiobooks, Netflix and popcorn and maybe I’ll work on my story. I hate editing so much that I wish I could just write the story and leave it at that, but if I did a third of the story wouldn’t make sense.

Last night I dreamed I chatted on the phone with Tammy who sounded pretty upbeat. She seemed healthier, happier and more energetic. In the dream, we lived on a mountain that was sort of shaped like an upended bowl. Who knows how we drove up and down it? The nearest neighbor had to have been more than just a couple hundred feet away. While I was talking to Tammy in the bedroom as Tom watched TV in the living room, a helicopter hovered close by, annoying the hell out of me. Tammy said they used to get that shit back in Connecticut, then she told me about a prank she and Mark pulled on someone who lived there.

Then I went on to describe my last period to her and asked if she thought that could be my last one, then I turned off an old-fashioned TV in the corner of the room, and then I said we had a lot of “Cali palms.”

In the last dream, I received a letter from Paula. I’m about 99% sure I won’t hear from Paula, but I’ll ignore anything I get from her if I’m wrong. You know my rule… dump me and that’s the way it stays. Same goes for if I dump you.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2017
No hip pain today. Yay me! Tom and I are going out walking and running when he completes what will be his final Saturday. Yeah, he told the jokers at work he’d work today before they conveniently failed to follow through with their promise of a job offer by yesterday. As long as they’re not going to keep their word, though, he may continue to do a little OT during the week, but no more Saturdays! The man needs to have a life.

He is grateful to me for helping in the ways that I do, like with laundry, cleaning and things I’m happy to do because he simply doesn’t have time to tackle it himself. :)

Good news: I’m so active I can eat all I want and not gain weight.

Bad news: I have NO willpower to cut back and get my skinny on to lower my cholesterol naturally.

I don’t know if I mentioned this yet, but the last time I walked out of Stacey’s office, I had the feeling I would never see her again as a patient. If that were true then that would mean the worst of my anxiety was over. It’s likely that we’ll keep in touch every now and then, however.

I started the folliculitis treatment and I don’t even find that it burns at all like the other cream, which caused a slight burning sensation. If this stuff is going to be a problem in any way it’s going to take time. It has to build up in the system much like levothyroxine does.

I was a little nervous applying my first dose last night, so I made sure Tom was home. He assured me that if I were going to have an allergic reaction, it would have happened right away, and reminded me that I’ve taken oral steroids for asthma before. This is true, even if it was a million years ago back east. All they did was make me bloated and retain water. Fortunately, my allergies are mostly from dust, dander and some plants. I don’t have food or drug allergies.

“She’s gone forever and she’s never coming back, huh?” I said to Tom last night. “That person that before 2014 could simply take whatever she was prescribed without a second thought, fear or concern.”

He agrees that that person is probably not coming back, but I am learning to live with my medication phobia just like, as he pointed out, I learned to live with my spider phobia.

LOL, no need to worry about them anytime soon with this cold weather we’ve been having. We froze last night or pretty close to it. But yeah, if it can ever warm up and stay that way for more than 5 minutes, we’ll have to bomb the place as the creepfest awakens.

What else… just listening to the usual traffic and daily landscaping annoyances. God, just to have one day off from that. Just one day. Some things I just can’t get used to, so it seems. I’ve lived in noisy places almost all my adult life, but there is still nothing that beats the sound of silence.

The traffic is still worse than the landscaping. The landscaping is only in the daytime. The traffic is almost round-the-clock. I still can’t believe so much traffic could exist in a gated adult community. And so many loud vehicles, too!

That insanely loud Firebird continues to come and go multiple times a day anywhere from 7 AM to 1 AM. I don’t understand why they can’t just go out, get what they need, and leave it at that. Nobody has that many doctors’ appointments, nobody has that many errands and nobody has that many friends.

Or do they?

Later…

Sometimes I just like to write for myself. Without sharing. Without censoring. This will be one of those entries at least for now.

I’m still trying to figure out why my sister is ignoring me. The more she does, the more deliberate it seems. She’s not only not replying to messages and emails, but not even to something I posted to her wall or tagged her in either. Yet I know she’s been on Facebook and has taken the time to comment on other people’s stuff. She also appears to be reading my blog. So is she just trying to keep me at a distance or is she pissed at me for some reason? If she were pissed I would think she would say so, though, right?

I’ve been sharing my story, The Wrong Sister, from a bogus account as if it really happened. I wanted to see how believable it would be, if it would draw comments, and if it would be different people than those that comment on my real account. I did block a couple of friends, however, knowing it would feel weird and even deceptive if they started commenting and I replied.

The story has gotten way more attention than I expected, and everyone seems to believe it except for one person who said that it almost reads like fiction and not the truth is stranger than fiction kind of fiction.

Tom is the only one who knows about it. I asked him his opinion, and he didn’t see anything wrong with presenting a story as reality to strangers as long as I didn’t mention anything too serious like riots or anything like that and didn’t reply to comments as if it was real.

My first thought was, a story is a story, true or not. So what if people I never met and never will meet think it really happened or not? As I’ve learned from this, people seem more interested in dramatics as opposed to mundane things, and believing that the drama actually happened.

But I’m kind of crossing the line between telling a story and implying it was real. I do feel a little weird/bad about it, but I kind of reached the point of no return. I’ll probably just finish the story, and then abandon the account. Or maybe I’ll present something else as real but that’s a little tamer. I’m not sure. Role-playing wasn’t anything I had in mind, though I’ve learned that I certainly can learn things from it. I just wanted to write a story in journal format and see how people responded. Definitely generating a different audience than my real account, too.

Honesty isn’t always the best policy, though. I’m not going to come out and say, “Yoo-hoo, I have a confession to make. The story is bullshit and I posted it just to see if you would buy it,” because I don’t see the point in getting people all upset for nothing. Sometimes what they don’t know really can’t hurt them.

Aly is definitely seeing a woman but I don’t think she’s nannying for her kids after all. I think they’re just living together. She would be able to get a woman while I couldn’t get one if I tried unless they were ugly as fuck or crazy. The closest I ever came to the ones I really wanted was them being attracted to me but we never actually got together. That’s okay, though. No matter how many beautiful women I may see online or offline, I have all I want and need right here. They do much better in my stories, beautiful or not, than in real life.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2017
The sports bras I got at Target are slightly short on me. So girls’ L Champion bras fit perfectly while these XL bras are too short? Well, Champion is the brand for bras, Hanes is the brand for sweatshirts, and Fruit of the Loom is the brand for panties unless you prefer to get a variety of thongs overseas.

I was surprised to find my new sweatpants are already pilling in the inner thighs but my tights aren’t pilling at all despite being the thin material they are.

Today I got a Hanes sweatshirt in purple that’s identical to my magenta one. They are very warm and comfortable and they’re only $8.

I also got a 3-pack of long-sleeved sleep shirts for $20 in pink, blue and green. Each has a cute design on the front. The only thing I don’t like is that the backs are solid white, and I would prefer the hem to fall a few inches below my knees instead of above. I took my picture in the pink one for an Amazon review, and OMG, I am so fucking fat from head to toe! My thighs are like tree trunks, my core is like a barrel, and my face is like a basketball. Nothing I can do about it, though. I am always, ALWAYS hungry these days and I don’t know why. Anyway, I had to trim a few loose threads, and while the material is a bit thin, the sleep shirts are very soft and comfortable.

I want so badly to complain about that really loud car, especially since it comes and goes anywhere from 3-6 times a day. Who the hell needs to go out that often that’s retired, and every single fucking day? But all the complaining in the world wouldn’t do me any good. It’s not illegal to have a loud vehicle.

Here we go again with the gas, sharp stomach cramps, and frequent too-soft shits. It is VERY uncomfy!

I had a dream about Alyssa. I love it when I dream about her. I was listening to her tell someone that she could gladly bring her daughter to work. I don’t know if I was hearing her in person, online or over the phone. I just like dreaming about her. :)

Then Tom and I lived in a house that had this room with three small twin beds in it. I got a couple of large dolls and decided to place them on the beds. But the beds were bare and I had to choose to cover them with either a blue, green or red blanket. I chose to put the red one on one bed and the blue on the other.

Then there were dreams about spotting a bee flying around an artificial indoor tree, thinking that Tom left the downstairs windows open (I guess we lived in a two-story house), us working in an outdoor office, and him weighing 273 pounds. He’s not that heavy, though.

Just when I thought I was wonderfully non-psychic after so many negative dream premonitions and then not having any, I dreamed that Tom was buying pants for a job interview rather than actually being offered a job.

Sure enough, they are continuing to fuck with him at work, not come through with offering the promotion they promised to offer by today and want him to work 6 days a week after pulling 10-hour shifts during the week. This is a total of 50-fucking-8 hours a week! From now on he’s going to refuse to work Saturdays and he’s going to start applying elsewhere. Not sure what an older white man can get when today’s job market belongs to the young minority, especially in the West, but we’ll see. Money’s nice but it’s not everything. We’d also prefer he worked 2nd or 3rd shift as opposed to 1st for appointments and stuff like that.

It just really pisses the shit out of me to see him treated the way he’s treated despite making a lot of money. He has no life. He’s a slave to that job. We’d both prefer him to be married to me, not that fucking job. We’ve had to neglect and put off so much shit because of that job, and if they keep fucking him over, they’re going to be held responsible somehow, someway. I made a promise to myself 17 years ago when I stupidly let myself get screwed over in Arizona, and you know what? I’m really damn good at keeping two things… promises and secrets. Tell me you killed someone and beg me to keep it a secret and I will. No joke.

The only problem is that I’m not sure what we can do about the way they’re treating him because they’re not breaking any laws. He makes more than 90% of the people at that company, and I think that’s part of why they expect so damn much of him. In California, there are no laws from what I can tell as far as how many hours you can have your employees work. The only law is that you have to pay them for their work.

There is some good in it, however. He’s made good money much of his working years and we’re looking at a comfortable retirement. Another good thing is that it may help us have more options for when he retires (I hope).

Despite making good money for the most part throughout the years, we have definitely had our poor spells. Let’s not forget how badly we struggled from 2007-2011. So we do have to kind of laugh at the thought of him passing up Saturdays. Just never thought we’d be in a position to pass up that kind of money. That’s just over $200! At this point, however, he would be willing to take a small pay cut in order to be able to work the standard 40 hours a week. I know it sounds funny, but it’s damn true! He makes almost as much in OT as he does in base pay and he was hoping the promotion would pay approximately the same, but with fewer hours. Yet so far they’re all talk to no action.

Our electric bill is $67 this month, and then we got the bill for our nearly $900 space rent. There’s still something that just doesn’t seem right about paying rent on top of a mortgage. :-(

I still have some hip pain, so I went out walking for 15 minutes instead of 30. The sun was warm but the air was cold. It was about 42° when I was out, but I was fine in just a sweatshirt. Then I worked on the Bowflex for about half an hour. I was worried my hip would be worse afterward but it’s about the same. I noticed that when I stepped on my left foot, but it’s not excruciating or anything like that. I haven’t had to take anything for it.

I just wish they would make him a fucking offer for him to either accept or refuse like they said they would!

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2017
Got a busy day today finishing up the cleaning, doing some online work, and exercising. I may skip the exercise because my hip still hurts. It’s the same pain that Tom had for a while right above the left hip that sort of heads toward the back. His got so bad it even woke him up. Mine doesn’t hurt when I’m sitting or lying down. It only hurts when I stand on my left leg. It’s hard to believe we’d both happen to be arthritic in that area, and since it doesn’t seem to be exactly in the joint, maybe it’s the sciatic nerve. I’m just not sure what makes mine flare up. I’m guessing it’s the running. I still swear something doesn’t want me to enjoy running through the park. Tough shit, though, because I’m not going to stop. I am going to take a day off, though.

This is not a good park to live in if you’re a writer with all the landscaping and traffic noise, but it hasn’t been too bad yet today, so I guess I’ll get into the Dr. G appointment that I had yesterday. I have a lot to write, so hopefully I’ll remember everything. I took some notes last night.

The exam itself was quick and easy. In fact, it was probably the quickest, easiest female exam I ever had. Just mild discomfort for just a few seconds.

When the nurse took me into the exam room I thought she was going to tell me to get undressed, but she told me to remain dressed until I spoke to the doctor. My initial thought was that maybe I would pass on the exam since my main reason for seeing the doctor was to get more information on the perimenopause.

My blood pressure was a little high at 138/90 because I was a little nervous. My pulse was a little low for me, though, at 87. I’m usually in the 90s. My BMI is still five points too high, and I’m still 59” tall. Well, I’m sure my sneakers gave me a half-inch boost, LOL.

I started playing mah-jongg on my phone because I thought it would be a long wait, as is usually the case with specialists. I used to have to wait forever for Dr. O. But before I had matched more than a few pairs of tiles, in came the doctor. The first thing that struck me about her was how tall she was. She was easily 6 feet or taller. She was an average-looking blue-eyed blonde (30s?) and surprisingly heavy for a doctor. I liked her. She was very knowledgeable, patient, and understanding and took the time to explain things in a way I could comprehend. Like me, she spoke loud, so there were no issues straining to hear her like I would sometimes do with Stacey. Her accent was wonderfully American too, LOL, so that was helpful as well. Most accents from Spanish-speaking countries I can understand, but the Indian accent is a killer.

We talked for quite a while and I gave her as much of my medical history and my family’s history that I knew of. Cervical cancer isn’t hereditary, but breast cancer is. I didn’t know this. My mother and paternal grandmother had breast cancer. Tammy had cervical cancer and a full hysterectomy despite the fact that I’m the one that’s more at risk for that and uterine cancer because I was DES-exposed as a fetus, never had kids, and even my thyroid could be an issue, according to this doctor.

I told her of the various perimenopausal symptoms I’ve experienced on and off over the last three years, and then she explained something to me that makes total sense when you think about it. Periods tend to be heavy and erratic when they start and when they stop because the brain has to get used to sending the proper message to the body when it comes to starting and stopping periods. In other words, my brain doesn’t quite yet get the meaning of the words, “Stop telling my fucking ovaries to ovulate!”

As I told her, I can sometimes go months without symptoms. Right now you would never know I’ve had problems with hot flashes, anxiety, palpitations, etc.

Another thing that can create extra estrogen, as she told me, is being overweight. I’ve been 20-30 pounds overweight for nearly a decade and I still don’t feel any real motivation to lose the weight because I simply don’t like how diets make me feel. I don’t want to be hungry, tired and irritable, and I don’t care what others think. I would only gain the weight back and have already regained half of the weight I recently lost. I also still fear my thyroid meds becoming an issue again. I told her about that and she said that she’s not only struggled with her own weight all her life (she was probably 70-80 pounds overweight) but that she was well aware of the fact that levothyroxine can have some very scary consequences. I’ve always been sensitive to stimulants, probably because I have a high HR and I’m naturally energetic. So much so that fatigue is the only symptom I didn’t get much of before I began treatment.

I declined the mammogram and the colonoscopy for now, but because I’m older and because of the risks, she wants to have me prescreened for uterine cancer. The thought of it terrified me at first, and I told her that I had started fertility testing in 1999 and had that procedure done where they insert dye in your fallopian tubes, and how that hurt like hell before I realized I no longer wanted kids anyway. Nor did I feel I should have to “work” for something that’s supposed to come naturally. I felt I had struggled enough for things no one should need to struggle for as it was.

She thinks that if the DES didn’t prevent me from conceiving, my thyroid might have. Pretty sure I’ve had thyroid issues a lot longer than I realized. Only the gland was hyper when I was younger as opposed to hypo. We’ll never know for sure, not that it matters. I do have a horned uterus because of the DES and I guess my cervix is at a weird angle or something like that.

Anyway, she understood that the hysterosalpingogram would have been painful because of the way they have to expand the cervix, but I would be knocked out for this (endometrial biopsy?). While she still believes the heavy periods are caused by the perimenopause as I do, heavy periods are also a symptom of uterine cancer, and therefore my insurance will cover the procedure. I would be put to sleep, she would remove a piece of the uterus lining, and she would put a block on the uterus to help with the pain when I woke up. Then I would be given pain medication.

After I had a night to sleep on it, however, I’m thinking I’m probably going to pass on this one, too. Even though I would be knocked out, it just seems like an awful lot to put myself through when I have a better chance of winning the lottery than getting cancer there despite being at risk. In my family, we’re more at risk of heart attacks and strokes than cancer. So… is it really worth it? The stress test was one thing since all I did was walk on a treadmill. But this is literally like surgery. So… is it really, really necessary?

Then she asked about religion, which I thought was weird at first. I told her I didn’t believe in religion and was leaning toward atheism, although I’m of Jewish descent. Well, apparently, if you’re Ashkenazi you have a higher risk of breast cancer. So much for thinking Jewish was just Jewish, LOL. All I knew was that I had one grandfather born in Austria and one in Russia, although Norma, whom I questioned on Facebook when I got home, said she was pretty sure Nana Bella was also born in Russia.

I asked Norma if she knew anything about it and she said that Ashkenazi usually has darker eyes and skin, so she didn’t think so. Some of my grandparents and great aunts and uncle were Litvaks, she told me, pointing out my family’s fair skin and a tendency for blue eyes. Well, I’ve got green eyes instead of blue, but I am definitely fair-skinned and very sun sensitive. In Arizona, I got sun poisoning instead of the tan I wanted. Here, I stand in the direct sunlight even when it’s barely 50° and I feel like I’m melting. So it’s more the sun I’m sensitive to as opposed to the heat, cuz I’m fine in the sun if I’m wet or swimming. I actually loved the dry heat of the desert. Then again, I was still young and thin at the time. I think a lot of us become more heat intolerant with age and when we put on our fat coat, not that I won’t always prefer warm climates to cold ones. Hell, we’re getting down to 35° tonight! :-(

I had a dream that my cousin Lori, who was running around naked, suddenly started braiding my hair. She commented on how fit I had become and said she’d be screwed if there were two of me.

“How do you know you wouldn’t be screwed with one of me?” I asked her. “Maybe you could still take me, but I’ve really toughened up over time.”

Then I had a dream that Tom read a book I wrote while I slept. We started to discuss it when I got up.

Later…

Ordered a 3-pack of long-sleeved nightgowns, a purple Hanes sweatshirt identical to my magenta one, and a new hammock for the rats, plus Tom got a couple of things.

Tom was told that they would make the job offer by tomorrow. The big question is whether or not it will be worth accepting. If not, he will then have to decide if he should remain with this company or look elsewhere.

Chatted with Joe the mailman for a few minutes yesterday. I got that rat magazine I won. For some reason, I thought it was coming from Canada, but it actually came from the UK. They were kind enough to send a second copy because I never got the first one. The paper isn’t glossy like a typical magazine. It almost looks like a newsletter, but I’m sure it will be a very interesting read, even if I don’t learn anything new. I’ve been a rat owner since 1998. I know rats better than rats know themselves.

I joked with Bob the other day, saying I deserve to listen to him pound out 20 birdhouses for the roofing noise that’s heading his way over the next couple of months. He said it should only take a couple of days. That’s true. I know exactly how roofs are done. We did our own in Phoenix and rented a dumpster to throw the old roofing in. It just took us a lot longer. But as Bob said, it should only take a day for them to strip the old roof, and then another day to install the new one.

I was surprised to learn that Bob’s house is a few years younger than ours. I thought it was older. He said that when they moved in here in 1988, most of the houses and streets in the park didn’t even exist. It was mostly fruit trees. I’d love to go back in time and have the park be like it was back then. I’m sure it was a lot more peaceful with less traffic, and people didn’t usually come and go 20 times a day as they do now, especially so late at night.

Okay, now I’ll finish up with the Dr. G appointment. I mostly wanted to talk about the perimenopause, yes, but I also wanted to know if there was a more permanent solution to my dermatitis problem down there (folliculitis) caused by too many years of shaving back when I was an exotic dancer. There are two options. One is some kind of laser procedure that would cost about a grand. No thanks. We’re already going to lose enough money on the new roof.

She could see the irritation when she examined me, and as I told her, I use the Triamcinolone for two weeks as directed, it helps, but then I’m burning and itching down there all over again a few weeks later. I still say – and I will always say – anything is better than anxiety, but I don’t want to deal with this shit for the rest of my life either.

So that leaves option two. She prescribed a steroid cream called Clobetasol. It may be a cream and not a pill, but I’m still not going to start it until Friday in case of an adverse reaction. This way Tom will be around for a couple of days, even though it can take longer for side effects to get you. It can take a couple of weeks for levothyroxine to get you if it’s going to. Sometimes longer. She said it shouldn’t race my heart, though, or be much different than the other cream, but I swear she also said something about using it for a couple of weeks so as not to mess up the adrenal glands. I don’t remember her exact words, but anything to do with adrenal glands, or any gland for that matter, is a scary thought for me. Topical treatments still penetrate our skin and get into our bloodstream. I don’t have to be a doctor to know this. Miss Medication Phobia isn’t nearly as scared as she would be if it were a pill as opposed to a cream, though. I would apply it twice a day for two weeks and then twice a day twice a week for two weeks. At least that’s what the instructions on the portal said.

On the way home from the appointment I noticed a building that said Indoor Skydiving. We’re thinking we might check it out sometime. Yeah, why not? We’re crazy enough to do something like that. :-)

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2017
Thought I’d do an entry before my appointment, which is in a few hours. Turns out I didn’t need a lorazepam last night or the night before to help me sleep, so I’ve only had one in over a month.

Unfortunately, that hip pain is coming back. It’s sort of above my hip and toward my very lower back.

Aly and Kim exchanged tweets about DMing each other VASCO. I Googled that and found it’s got something to do with security. I guess it’s a way to send something in a more secure manner that can’t be hacked. I wonder what the two celibates are sending each other that’s so top-secret. My first thought was that it had to do with celebrities, but maybe not. The way they go account hopping so much has always made me wonder what shady stuff they might be into.

Then again, Aly may not be so celibate. The impression I get is that she’s living with a lesbian lover and nannying for her kids.

We went to Target when it opened and it was pretty dead. Instead of annoying customers, the employees were annoying by parking carts in the middle of the aisles while they were doing whatever.

I got a gold bangle, a couple of sports bras, bath bombs, and the perfect dress for the big Barbie. The top of the dress is pink with a lavender sash and a pink flower in the center of the sash. It has pink and purple shoulder straps and a light pink liner for the skirt part with a rainbow chiffon overlay.

Tom got some small bins that he attached to the back wall of his closet in which to place small electronic parts.

Then we went to Jack-in-the-Box where I got a large order of fries and he got a full meal.

I saw Bob declogging his gutters and went out and chatted with him. He said that when they had their roof done they were told they didn’t have enough space to be worth getting solar panels. They also have a large tree in front of their place that blocks some of the sun.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2017
Aly tweeted, “So very tempted to call someone on their bullshit. Their day will come, though. Oh, yes.”

At first I was wondering if she was talking about Kim or me. But then she tweeted:

I’m the kind of person who doesn’t give up until I get my way. I’m stubborn to the end & won’t be pushed to the side if it’s important to me”

So I’m guessing she’s being ignored by Kim and doesn’t like it, and being the selfish person she just admitted she is, she’s probably been hesitant to “call her out,” knowing that the consequences of doing so will probably get her dumped and stalked for years just like it did me. So yeah, go ahead and call her out and then maybe you’ll miss and even regret dumping the person that was honest with you and that was a little more reliable. Oh, and that actually had a brain, too.

This is why I almost dumped Aly before she dumped me, though. If you don’t respond to her within five seconds, it’s an all-out crisis for her that she takes personally. You know what’s really sad? I would probably still resume our friendship if she wanted to, even though I couldn’t always trust her to be truthful, and I would wonder if the next thing I said was going to get me dumped again. How pathetic is that? Why is it that I’m willing to put up with shit from her that I wouldn’t dare take from 99% of the population?

Went out running in a park that’s greener than I’ve ever seen it before. I didn’t wear my rain boots, but I wore my raincoat, even though it never rained. We haven’t gotten as much rain today as predicted, but I’m ready for some sunshine. Especially since the rain doesn’t always save me from noise. I was on a roll with my writing yesterday when three large trucks distracted me for an hour trimming trees by Jim’s place.

As a matter of fact, it just started raining but that’s not stopping them from going around with those super loud blowers that I have to hear every single day.

They still haven’t talked to Tom about a promotion and I’m starting to seriously worry that they’re just leading him on. Really, really hope not!

Had a hilarious dream involving Stacey and my mother, who was alive in the dream. Let’s just say it’s no way I can imagine Stacey would ever talk in real life any more than my husband would, LOL.

I was going somewhere with Stacey when my mom came by and I introduced them to each other. They exchanged pleasantries at first and chatted like most older women would chat. At one point Stacey was laughing about something my mother said as she was putting something in the trunk of a car. She was dressed casually in her usual colors of black or blue, only in the dream, I think she had on denim capris and a gray shirt.

So my mother said something with a laugh and then Stacey smiled and said, “Oh, yeah? Well, I’m her fucking girlfriend (she slams the trunk shut), so I think I know her pretty well.”

I just stared at her in shock, jaw hanging open.

My mother looked at me and said, “She’s your girlfriend?”

I said, “I don’t think so. She just gets weird at times.”

Then Stacey and I were alone in an elevator and she was telling me she fell in love with me and “thinks” of me and all that stuff.

Hmm… Interesting.

Then came the weird/shitty dream where my dentist put some of her patients up in a hotel due to some kind of experiment she was conducting. I didn’t see her at first, but when I finally ran into her I said, “Hey, long time no see, Doc. When you get a minute I’ve got some questions for you. Is that ok?”

She nodded, but it was definitely without enthusiasm.

Then I realized I’d forgotten my phone, so I decided to call home on the hotel phone and update Tom. All I could get was the front desk, though. They told me I wasn’t allowed to make or receive any calls. I guess that was part of the deal. I was pissed that I hadn’t been told this up front, and asked if it was okay to send an email. They said that’d be fine, but when I opened my laptop, I found its battery dead and that I’d forgotten the power cord.

Now I was even more frustrated, knowing that I now had no way to tell Tom when to pick me up.

I hope I do see my dentist in March cuz I’ve got some questions for real. She’s an army reserve and she got called out the last time. I’ve got some dental questions, and am also curious to know if that’s her that’s been following me on Pinterest. Same first name, middle initial and surname. But who is in the profile pic? Her daughter?

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2017
Lisa apparently has another Facebook account in the name of what I think is her mutt. As soon as I realized it was her, I blocked the account. No mutual friends on that account. Makes me wonder if she created it just to spy on those she’s blocked. Now will she please unblock her main account, and will Andy and Maliheh please unblock me long enough for me to take the honors and return the blocks on all three of them? If Andy ever unblocks me it’s not going to be while Norma’s still alive. I think that he believes that if I see Norma responding to anything negative he posts about me it will encourage me to harass him. I don’t give a shit what he says. I just want to be the blocker instead of the blockee.

Ever since I stopped eating greasy foods, fried foods and battered foods, my heartburn has been virtually nonexistent. With the exception of weekends, I mostly live on fruits, veggies and a little bit of whole-grain rice and dairy.

I’ve been feeling great. Calm, energetic, and sleeping okay for the most part. I did, however, wake up with a strange sensation last night. It was like I was “vibrating” or something. I know it sounds funny, but that’s the only way to describe it. This has happened before, too. It’s like I could almost feel the blood coursing through me, and I could feel the pulse in my neck. Maybe I just had too much sugar or something. On weekends I do have sweet treats. Fearing it may be the onset of anxiety, I took a lorazepam for the first time in a while just in case, and to also help me fall back asleep (I’m going to be nervous until my Wednesday appointment, not for fear of them finding anything wrong, but because female exams are never comfortable). My heart was racing a little before bed, but I think that’s because I ate more than usual. I’ve been up since real early this morning and I’ve felt fine ever since.

Some research shows that others have had this experience in various parts of their body and that it’s usually nothing to worry about. In my case, it’s probably hormonal.

When I looked at Burke I first thought the fur on his ass was thinning. I thought it a bit weird since he’s still young. He’s not even a year old yet. But upon closer inspection, I could see that it was actually getting lighter and turning a bit of a rusty color. Weird. I never had a rat change colors before, but when I looked it up online I found that it is common for Berkshire rats and harmless. It’s just in some of their genetics. Then again, the dark markings on some of the Siamese rats tend to darken with age.

Worked out on Bowflex and spent a few hours cleaning today. Think I’ll skip going out for my run on this rainy day, even though I have rain boots and a raincoat.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2017
I guess I’ll do an entry now to pass the time. As tired as I am, I’ll get up too early if I go to bed now.

Had a very active weekend both physically and with the tasks I’ve accomplished. Using the hourly weather updates provided on one of the weather sites, we caught a break in the rain this morning and went for a half-hour jog.

Wish I knew why I sweat so easily when working out. It was barely 50° yet after about 10 minutes I was sweating. There’s no way I could work out in the summer during the daytime. I can definitely work out in the rain now, though. My raincoat and rain boots arrived. The raincoat is pretty long. It’s one of those one-size-fits-most things and it’s almost to my ankles. It’s flimsy and cheap and it might not last many years, but it will help while it does. Now the only times I won’t be out there is when it’s under 40°-45°. How warm I can stand to run in depends on the time of day. It can be in the 80s if it’s at night, but in the direct sunlight, anything over 65°-70° might be a bit much for me.

My rain boots are cute and sturdy and should last for many years. 5.5 fits me perfectly, as usual.

It started raining not too long ago and the winds are in the teens. At around 1 AM it should hit the 20s. The highest wind speed I see predicted is 26 mph, so we shouldn’t have any leaks to worry about. It’s only when it gets over 40 mph that there’s a risk of leaks.

We went to Sam’s and stocked up on some things. He got some things for lunch and snacks throughout the next few weeks. I stocked up on wet wipes, toothbrush heads, and cappuccino K-cups, and I also got a new light blue bathmat for the master bath. Plus a pair of dark gray sweatpants that would be ideal for running and that are very comfortable. Not too long either.

I don’t want to get my hopes up because I haven’t been very psychic lately, but I’m hoping the dreams I had last night and the night before are a good sign suggesting that the promotion Tom’s up for is going to be pretty big. It was the overabundance of things in the dreams that made me wonder. I’ve learned to read a lot of my dreams over the years, but sometimes a dream can seem totally meaningless until a particular thing happens, and then I’m able to look back on the dream and see the message behind it.

Not that we don’t already have an overabundance of plenty of things. I’ve got clothes I forget I even have, and probably more necklaces than I’ll ever get a chance to wear, LOL.

In one dream I had twice as many clothes as I already have, and I have a lot in real life. Then in last night’s dream, I was in the shower shaving. I realized my razor was dull and I wondered why I bothered to use them for so long when I had dozens and dozens of razors.

Then I was in a huge store. Tom started talking to someone and so I decided to just go off shopping, grabbing anything I wanted that I happened to see.

Good God, even on a Sunday in the rain they can’t give me a day off from the fucking landscaping! Argh!

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2017
Oh wow, I love this site I found that lists female/male names if I need name ideas for story characters. What’s cool about it is that it has a random name generator, but trust me, I’m not using names like Gert, Hope or Rosamund! And who the hell names their son Bear or Brod? I like unique names as opposed to common names that are way too overused like Mary, John and Kathy, but unique is one thing while weird is another.

Still no news as to what they’re going to offer Tom. Just as soon as he knows what hours and what the pay is to be, be it salary or hourly, he can then make a decision as to what he wants to do. I just hope they’re not going to turn out to be all talk.

I would love to go out running now but all it does is rain these days. I won’t have my new raincoat and rain boots till tomorrow. So I guess I’m grounded indoors once again to work out on the skier. Boring, but better than nothing.

Last night I dreamed I was trying on these clothes in this huge closet. The closet was actually more like these giant organizers of various sizes. The setup was very long. I had even more clothes than I have in real life, and I have quite a bit now.

And then I saw Mitch, a cyber friend of mine. The poor guy was in a wheelchair, though. I wanted to ask him which outfit out of the two that I had chosen he thought made me look slimmer. Then I was deciding what to wear to dinner with my parents that night, wanting to keep it casual, but nice.

Later…

I don’t miss Paula. I don’t miss Andy. I don’t miss Nane (for the most part). I don’t miss Maliheh. But why oh why do I sometimes still miss Aly after all her dishonesty, selfishness and other shit? I was always quick to frown upon those who associate with or even speak positively of those who have been abusive or at least had a negative influence on them somehow. Yet here I am missing someone I shouldn’t be missing it all. What’s wrong with me???

Fortunately, the rain stopped early in the morning and I could get out for a run. It was very wet but peaceful out there. There were a few scattered worms on the road brought out by the rain. I was a little surprised at the trash I spotted around the park. A chunk of Styrofoam, a razor, a small vodka bottle…

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2017
Thank God we’re not going to the store or something tonight! I was in the bathroom when I heard a car screeching somewhere outside the park. It seemed to go on for several seconds. Then I heard a ton of sirens. Being caught in the middle of a police chase could never have a positive outcome.

I hope I’m not going to regret not going out for a run tonight. It’s not that cold, it’s dry out, and I love it when the streets are dead. I do have a pulled muscle in my ass, though, so I guess I’ll take the night off and work on the Bowflex instead. I just hope that tomorrow night when my poor little butt is no longer sore, that it isn’t raining. As Tom and my local cyber buddy were saying, it’s the next set of storms that could be a problem. If it simply rains the roof doesn’t leak. But if it’s windy as hell while it’s raining it will.

Something woke me up today. I had trouble falling asleep and during that hour or so that I was lying there around noon I could hear things going by loud and clear, including that loud car, which I was easily able to tell was that loud car. When you think about it, you really can’t block something that’s so damn loud that you’re so close to.

Sometimes I think we should try to find a quieter street to live on even if the park isn’t as nice. Even if he retired the earliest he could safely retire, that’s nearly a decade away. So I have to spend a decade being woken up whenever I’m on nights? We need to find not only a less traveled street but also one that doesn’t run right by the bedroom. For now, I’m going to make one last-ditch effort to try to block the really thunderous sounds by blasting thunder on the sound machine which will hopefully match and mask it a bit.

Really sad that I have to live this way, especially here. Tom’s sure that they’ll eventually switch to electric motors which will quiet most vehicles. But in our lifetime? And would this include motorcycles?

Got the last poster of wildflowers that I was waiting for. It’s printed on canvas, though, rather than glossy paper. The colors aren’t quite as sharp this way, but it’s still plenty beautiful and can still be framed.

Last night I dreamed I was home alone in bed in the Phoenix house, only the bed was by the window on next door’s driveway. Deciding I was hungry and wanted a snack before crashing, I walked through the darkened living room, flipped on the kitchen light, and heard a female voice speak from the living room. I don’t know what they said. It was just a few words but enough to scare the shit out of me, especially since I couldn’t see the person.

Then I dreamed I married Nane (what a shit husband she’d make for me) and we went to pick up glasses from the guy Tom and I used to go to back in Auburn.

I went to use the bathroom where I magically acquired bionic ears and could overhear Nane and the doctor talking.

I heard Nane say, “I didn’t think to ask her yet, but can you check her files and look and see if there are any issues with her eyes I should know about?”

“I can just tell you that right now,” said the doctor. “She’s got a touch of OH.”

“What’s that?”

“Ocular Hypertension. Could lead to glaucoma but we won’t let it. With regular checkups, the worst she might need someday would be eye drops.”

Later…

Tammy shared a wall post for lost loved ones in memory of Dad whom she called her hero.

You mean the guy who sat back and let his wife abuse her and her siblings? Wow, that’s some hero.

BUT… getting me out of New England and getting my husband and me off the streets definitely constitutes being a bit of a hero, I’ll give him that much.

Again I wonder just how close I really want to live to her. Not just for fear of a fight happening too close to home, but more because I just don’t know if I could stand to hear about our parents, Bill, Lisa and God every time we got together.

We ordered me a pink see-through raincoat with a hood and a cute pink plaid pair of rain boots. Maybe this will jinx the rain into finally stopping. If it weren’t for the roof and my liking to work out outdoors, I wouldn’t mind it. It doesn’t stop loud vehicles, but it tends to put a damper on other shit and give me a little more peace.

Marie moved to Oregon where she is now dating a feminine blond woman, also named Marie. Where most straight couples look like brother and sister, they look like man and woman. Her girlfriend would never go for my kind. The fems literally want men with pussies, and of course the professionals want professionals while the crazies want me. As attractive as I may find some women throughout my life, I am so glad I met Tom and am not still going through this shit. The lies, the false promises, the rejection, the bogus phone numbers, the no-show dates, the crazies chasing me while the “superiors” push me away… I don’t miss those days and all, and I would like to think that by now I would have been smart enough not to set myself up for that shit had I remained alone all these years.

But I do miss the days when Tom had more free time. My God, even in Maricopa he was home more often. They’re jerking him around at work and it’s really pissing us both off. You know how it is, if you fuck with me that’s fucking with him. If you fuck with him you’re fucking with me. Now they want him to work Saturday and they’re still stringing him along about a promotion and better hours and all that shit. He married me, not that fucking job!

The problem is the hold they have on us. You know how it is… people always have a hold on us and never the other way around. We can’t tell them to go fuck themselves because we can’t afford an American job that gives way fewer days off. We also don’t want to drop back from $18 an hour to $10 an hour either.

He’s going to refuse to work Saturdays, just not this Saturday because he doesn’t want to jeopardize whatever chance he may still have of getting a better position. He said he’s gonna really pump them for information today. All I know is that I’ve learned that the longer someone is all talk, the less likely they are to actually take action.

Another reason we can’t tell them to go to hell is that we need to fix our roof. The new dryer isn’t necessary. The new oven isn’t necessary. But a roof that doesn’t leak is necessary.

As I was just telling him on Skype, even though our lives were far from ideal in Maricopa, he was home more there than he is here, and that was with a 50-minute drive to and from work. How pathetic is that?

They recently fired a bunch of people for poor attendance.

I also miss some aspects of those days. I was reading some old entries from the mid-90s, and again, my life is a million times better than it was then, but there are some things I miss. I miss knowing the end wasn’t closer than it is further, and I miss the innocence. The innocence of not knowing what true insecurity was all about. Same with true fear and anxiety.

If I could magically know that death and dying wouldn’t be about the suffering I fear it will be about and that the afterlife (if there is one) would be no worse than being alive in this life, or perhaps even better, then how much time we have left wouldn’t matter.

I still think that unless I’m surprised by something killing me before he dies, I will be killing myself when he dies. How old might I have lived to be if he could possibly outlive me? I’m guessing I would make it to around 85-90. But that would mean he would have to be close to 100 and that’s highly unlikely. I just couldn’t do life without him. No matter how much money I had and no matter how many people I had to drive me around to places I needed to go, I just couldn’t live with such depression in loneliness. Even if I was alone right now; my heart wouldn’t ache for a new love, but it would certainly ache for him.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2017
I’m lying in bed waking up with my coffee so I’m doing part of this entry on my phone. The whole time I’ve been lying here I’ve done nothing but listen to annoying planes flying around on what would be an otherwise peaceful night. Why is there so much plane activity in this area? I still can’t tell if it’s the same plane circling around or a bunch of planes. The sound fades but never completely goes away, so I’m guessing it’s the same plane circling round and round. Besides, where could so many planes possibly have to go at almost midnight anyway?

A few minutes after midnight I went out for my run. I’d just hit the top of the hill when a white pickup cruised by very slowly and out the back gate. Although I wasn’t worried, I had a feeling I’d see it again.

By the time I got to the front gate about 20 minutes later, there it was coming in the gate. At that hour I figured it was someone that lived here since they had the code to open the gate. Because it was dark I couldn’t see the driver. Sure enough, the truck stopped by me, and although I still wasn’t worried I thought fine, bring it on, cock, and I’ll show you what it’s like to really regret a random decision. Even if I wasn’t stronger, I knew it was likely that I could outrun them, but all I heard was a male voice asking how I was and if I lived there.

“Yes, I do,” I said to the guy, probably in his 50s or 60s judging by the sound of his voice, and he said, “Alright then, have a nice night.”

So he was just concerned and probably curious, too. I don’t look as old as I am any more than I look as heavy as I am. 145 pounds of Bowflex power in a petite package. :-)

The winds were dead calm, so I could hear my music well. The only annoyance was that damn plane that continued circling round and round for an hour or two. I still don’t get what that’s all about.

Then that super loud car passed me right as I approached the back of our house at 12:30.

Three hours later the wind and rain began. It’s supposed to rain for the next few days. Really hope the roof doesn’t leak before we’ve had it redone!

I’ll be getting a pink raincoat and pink plaid rain boots for when I’m out walking in the rain. I should’ve gotten them last fall. I just really didn’t think the drought would end. That’s ok. December and January are too cold anyway.

Got the “broken floor” sticker and I’m not impressed with it. It doesn’t look very 3D and should probably be on a white floor rather than a cream-colored one. Also, the angle of the living room you’re supposed to be looking down at doesn’t look right.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2017
It’s a good thing my dreams aren’t coming true lately. First I had a dream that Seashell said she “had a problem,” but fortunately she’s okay.

Then last night I dreamed I was about to be executed. I don’t know what I did, but I don’t think I killed anyone. I wasn’t even in jail. I was staying in what looked like a hotel. No one was guarding me so I don’t know why I wasn’t running.

In the dream, I awoke with sadness one morning because I knew that would be the last time I went to sleep and woke up. But then I remembered that it was Friday and I wasn’t supposed to be executed until Monday. I was also depressed to see that Tom wasn’t in the room when I woke up.

I wanted to get some soda before I was killed, but I wasn’t able to eat or drink.

My mother was alive, and even though she didn’t look like my mother, she was worried that she was going to be sued. I knew it was somehow connected to me too, and I burst into tears, saying I should never have been born.

Then I smashed some small electronic box that was making this annoying hissing sound. I figured people would understand with my nerves being so frayed since I was about to die.

After waiting “execution,” I enjoyed a nice walk. I beat my last time by two minutes, so I’m going to have to add more distance by covering the entire perimeter of the park. The last few times I covered about two-thirds of the perimeter. So it was almost a full perimeter walk. Mixed with running, of course. I should charge my Fitbit and wear it when I go out so I can get my actual time. 30 minutes is essential to lowering my LDL scores since I’m not going to do it through weight loss. I’m only a few pounds away from hitting a new low, but it’s unlikely to happen unless I’m sick or anxious, and of course I would rather feel good and keep the weight.

I wore one of my new tank tops. It looked great standing up. Sitting down it displayed all my front and back rolls beautifully, LOL. Well, at 51 they ain’t going anywhere. So I went out in that, plus my tights, plus my hoodie and gloves. By the time I got to where I could see the front gate, I had to unzip my hoodie. By the time I passed the RV’s I had to lose my gloves. By the time I was just a few minutes from the house I had to take off my hoodie altogether. So what if anyone glanced out the window to wonder why anyone in their right mind would be walking around sleeveless in Northern California in the winter, haha?

I heard some twigs snapping down in the wooded area where the ditch is as I was approaching the front gate. Probably just a cat, possum or skunk, but I quickly got away from there just in case.

I also dreamed that I went to see a visibly pregnant Dr. A who was sitting in a chair connected to a bunch of tubes and wires. She smiled and said, “I’m on a full panel.” I knew this had to do with her pregnancy somehow.

In the last dream, I was in some building trying to find my way out of it. Nervous suddenly appeared while we were on this balcony of sorts that extended over the lower part of the building.

I pointed to the diarrhea brown walls and said, “Isn’t that such an ugly color?”

Then I slipped out the back door, noticed some guy appeared to be after me, and went back inside. Only instead of opening a door and stepping into a room or hallway, the door not only seemed to weigh a ton and take all my strength to open, but inside was a maze. The spaces got tighter and tighter the further into it I went, and I figured it had been created decades ago when most people were thinner.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2017
Almost a month in power and I still can’t believe no one has at least tried to take out Trump. Where are all the crazies that want to impress Jodie Foster when you need them?

Okay, is Tammy ignoring me or is she really not getting my messages on Facebook and email? I asked for a simple quick reply and she can’t even give me that? I feel like she and my nieces are trying to keep me at arm’s length. This is a good thing in some ways if that’s the case. But really, she can take the time to check in and play games on Facebook but can’t answer a simple question like whether or not she’s ever had solar panels?

Due to a problem with a dam leaking, there have been tons of evacuations in the area, which means a third of the people were out of work today, which of course meant more work for Tom. You know how it is… when shit happens, you get a break and we pay. Rolls eyes

There are a lot of workers from Yuba City. Most of the people at his company don’t get paid very well and Yuba City is a cheap place to live for being in California. There are no jobs in the tiny town of Yuba City, and employees have to drive about 40 minutes to get to work.

Yesterday I ended up shitting 4 times, the last time being the runs. No nausea or anything like that. I have no idea why I do this at times, but it sure knocked a couple of pounds off me and I don’t expect to go at all today no matter what I eat. I don’t know if it was the milk in my cereal, the funny-tasting blueberry I ate, or because I was on the edge of being anxious.

It was the milk. I had a bowl around 8pm, felt gas in my tummy a couple of hours later, and I just had to go. So 2-3 more dumps to go today.

Here’s the weirdest thing of the day. Aly has one public account that she’s abandoned on my-diary, and it’s the only account that has X-rated videos playing on it. No one else’s account has this. What’s up with that? Did she somehow embed the videos?

Can’t really say for sure if the soundproofing material is helping to cut back sound or not. Nothing woke me up yet there had to have been tons of motorcycles roaring in and out today. As I was lying there falling asleep, I did hear a couple of things that seemed loud but not the loudest I’ve heard anything to be.

Had a series of strange dreams. Sharing a bed with Tom, a cat and a mannequin. Dressing up for a fancy dinner where Stacey saw me and appeared to be checking me out. This boosted my confidence. I then turned to some necklaces on a nearby necklace holder and picked out one I was sure she would also check out.

We lived somewhere in the next dream that had two floors. I ascended a flight of stairs that was against the back wall of the (House? Condo?) and glanced across the room through some white lacy curtains as I climbed the stairs.

I couldn’t sleep and I wanted to go for a swim, wherever we were, even though it was close to my bedtime. Suddenly, I saw Tom was awake and sitting by his computer. He suggested I cook something for him. I didn’t really want to because I was tired, but I did anyway.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2017
As I said, I’m back to sleeping shitty again, and again I appreciate all the input from those on Prosebox that are also going through or have gone through perimenopause. What worries me most is that now that the constant waking up is back, I fear the anxiety will return as well. There is no symptom worse than that! Heart palpitations can be scary, but I’ve learned that I can usually slow those down with some deep breathing and ET. It’s the constant feeling of anxiety that gnaws at your chest or stomach for hours and hours on end that really sucks big time.

And oh, the shitting! Three times already I’ve shit in less than 6 hours, the last being softer than it should be. Why can’t I do one solid shit a day??? I may have to check into all these stomach issues. They’re really getting old. I’d like to know what’s making me shit so often. I seem to do this no matter what I eat.

Warmer, drier weather means the return of the motorcycles on top of all the other insanely loud vehicles I have to listen to every single day. I woke up for no reason after 5 hours of sleep. It took me an hour to fall back to sleep (I had to take Tylenol p.m.) and I heard three loud vehicles zoom by in just that hour. I’m still not sure what surprises me more… the constant coming and going of vehicles, or how damn loud so many of them are.

I awoke to feel groggy as hell. The Tylenol made me so drowsy and my mouth so dry that I wonder if it has the same ingredients in it as Benadryl. I even napped for a couple of hours after getting up yet I still feel pretty out of it, even after food and two cups of coffee.

As I was having my first cup of coffee before Tom went to bed, he taped up the soundproofing material with super-strong double-sided tape. It just looks like a black yoga mat. I have my doubts that it will make that much of a difference but come 6 AM when they start roaring in and out of here, I’ll find out.

I’m surprised it took me this long, but I finally gained back all my weight. I knew I would sooner or later; I just didn’t think it would take this long. Again, what’s the point of working so hard to lose weight and risk my medication becoming a problem when it’s all going to come back sooner or later anyway?

We didn’t do much over the weekend other than hang a couple of pictures because Tom hurt his hip somehow. Although they’re beautiful, I totally regret going with posters. The frames I didn’t think I’d need ended up costing way more than the posters ($80 for four frames), and it’s been a lot of work getting them into the frames and hanging them. I should have stuck with stickers or gotten tapestries.

I am happy with the alligator print and the frame that we got for it. It’s a really cool frontloading frame where you just snap the sides into place. Unlike the others, it has an anti-glare cover.

I’m also happy with the one sticker that I did get; a hanging birdcage with a bird in it. It’s an all-black silhouette that I put on the wall space between the dining and laundry rooms. It’s the perfect size for that area, and the cage appears to hang from the thermostat.

The toilet in the master bath is back to flushing as soon as it senses motion. I don’t know why it was delaying flushing for a while there. These toilets sometimes do weird things for no apparent reason. The blue light was on for a while several months ago and we never knew why or why it turned off one day. That light should only flash when it’s being flushed.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2017
It was after 6 PM and things were still going on around here. Some loud service truck was beeping loudly as it backed up across the street.

Be sure to hold off the noise until after I get up tomorrow too, God, ok?

I’m actually surprised I haven’t heard motorcycles zooming by. Tom injured his hip and he slept all day, so he doesn’t know if it was noisy earlier or not. He can sleep through anything. Wish I could! Both today and yesterday I was awakened by loud vehicles.

Elisabeth J is a friend of Irene’s that friended me today. She also lives in Austria and is a couple of years older than me. I’ve seen her around before. She’s a boring-looking blond with dull gray eyes and a few extra pounds so I’m sure she’s a sweetheart. It’s the hotties that tend to be the snobs.

I really appreciate that I’m getting more older followers on Prosebox. A 69-year-old woman in New Hampshire said she went through the same thing where she wouldn’t get periods for months, and then, in the end, she was getting fierce periods every 23 days and was so glad when they finally stopped. Her perimenopause went from age 45-51. I’m still not exactly sure when mine started, but I’m guessing between 47-48. Hope this doesn’t mean I’ve got 2-3 more years to go. I read that most women stop bleeding by 52, and that periods stop within 4 years of them becoming erratic. It seems like they went off schedule about the time we moved in here.

The hot flashes are back to waking me up. I awoke several times, once drenched in sweat after having a bad dream. I was working in some dimly lit restaurant owned by some guy. He and his 20-something-year-old daughter were there. I felt sick toward the end of the day and wanted to call Tom and have him pick me up, but I forgot my phone. They let me use theirs but I couldn’t remember his damn number. I asked the guy’s daughter what the area code and the prefix were and wrote it down. Then I tried to remember the last four digits of Tom’s number. But when I went to read the area code and prefix, I found my handwriting to be so small that it was illegible.

Frustrated, I left the restaurant, and all of a sudden a strange sense of hopelessness came over me. It was so intense that I contemplated hanging myself from a tree I passed by. But then a sense of determination came over me as I entered a random store along the way. A very friendly, helpful, and somewhat masculine lesbian was just about to close her store because it was now late in the day. I told her my situation and said that I was afraid I’d be spending the night on the street until I could figure out how to get home. She said she had some cash and let me use her phone to once again try to remember the number. I closed my eyes and struggled to think of the number.

Because it was now closing time the woman said, “Sweetie, you’re going to have to hurry up and try to figure it out.”

I don’t know if I ever managed to get through to Tom because I woke up at that point from the silly and impossible dream. Tom and I always know where each other is and make it a point to always be able to get ahold of each other. The dream still sucked, though, silly or not. I felt so helpless and like I would never be able to find my way home. The good thing about having bad dreams is being able to wake up and know it was just a dream, and that you’re really safe at home in your own bed.

I also had a dream that I might have been staying in some hotel. A black family, which consisted of a couple with three kids, was visible just outside the lobby. The couple was bickering and then the man punched the woman who fell to the ground. I shook my head in sadness, again noting that wherever there was violence, there was usually a black person(s) involved.

In the last dream, I “ran into” Evie, my SIL. She had been expecting a baby girl that she was going to name Amanda. But then I noticed her stomach was flat and said, “You had the baby.”

She nodded and I asked her what she named it. “Staphanie,” she said, pronouncing the short ‘e’ as a short ‘a’.

Enjoyed a 27-minute walk/run as the sun was setting. I didn’t bother to listen to music, though, because I couldn’t hear it. The freeway sounds were ferocious due to the wind.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2017
Other than laundry, picking out groceries, and going on a walk with Tom, I’ve been spending a lot of time researching silicone dolls. Yes, she is going to happen! In 2017 she will no longer be just a dream! She just won’t be a super realistic, super nice American-made doll for 7K. Instead, she might be a nice, mostly realistic Japanese doll for $1600.

That loud-ass car just went out and then came back a few minutes later. For the last time tonight, I hope. It was sunny for the first time in days, and sure enough, something loud was running for a while somewhere, but I don’t think it was a vehicle. I just didn’t expect it so late in the day. Then again, I’m sure God held them off until I got up, which was at 2 PM. They were probably mowing the cemetery or the golf course.

Tom doesn’t know if he got the job yet, so I guess I’ll hold off on details unless he ends up getting it. He should know next week. All we know is that the job might be swing shift. The guy who interviewed him asked if he could work independently, and he wanted to laugh at that one since he does this all the time anyway. His regular boss asked him what he really wanted and he told him like it is… more pay, fewer hours.

The 10-12 hour shifts are getting old! I’m tired of not being able to get things done around here. We have too many unfinished projects. We still have to finish the floors. We still have to finish cleaning the carpet. We’ve also got several other things that should be done. I just hope he gets it and that it is more pay and fewer hours. We still want to have enough money to be comfortable so that we can take fancy vacations every other year or so.

Again I got tired of managing so many different blogs. Whenever I find typos, I have to edit all three of them, plus my copy in Word. I decided to just stick with Prosebox for now.

Using my bogus Prosebox account, I’m posting a chapter at a time of my story, The Wrong Sister, as if it were something that actually happened. LOL, just curious to see how many people buy it and comment on it.

Last night I dreamed that Rachel told me she wanted to see me but “has a problem,” so I wonder if something is up with her. I sent her a message and told her about the dream.

In another dream, I was with her and maybe someone else. Rachel told me not to touch her beer. I told her I hated beer and then I went outside and proceeded to get on what looked like a large tricycle. I began riding the bike down a long, well-traveled street but looked forward to the ride.

The only other dreams I remember were playing with a ferret, and changing my middle-parted hair to a side part.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2017
My period hit me full blast, and I’m willing to bet that Aly has abandoned the account I messaged. She abandons just as many accounts as she deletes. It’s a common habit of hers. I don’t think she keeps any account for much more than a year. I don’t know what it is she thinks she’s got to keep running from, but with the way she screws people, you never know.

Anyway, it’s nice to have relief for my sore boobs and not to feel so waterlogged, but I’m sure that in just a week from now, I’ll be right back to the same shit… sore boobs and water retention from hell.

Maybe I’m not really in perimenopause after all, which would explain why Doc A told me I had good estrogen last fall. I can’t explain the hot flashes, but maybe the erratic periods that are now on schedule again were due to anxiety, and the anxiety was due to my medication. Tom doesn’t think this is the case, but I don’t know what to think anymore.

Tom said his interview went well but it would be better to explain the details in person. So I’m eager for him to come home!

It turns out that the GYN is to have surgery on the day I was going to see her on the 23rd, so they simply bumped my appointment up a day.

A part of me fears my next problem is going to be female problems or stomach problems. I’ve been having a lot of issues with gas lately, and it seems my stomach is sensitive to so many things. I looked at the various pros and cons of a variety of different foods, and it seems like everything is somehow bad for me. Fiber and protein create gas. Starches are weight gainers. Meat has cholesterol. The list of foods that cause gas is a mile long.

What happened to the days when I shit once a day and was constipated more often? Now I’m going 2-3 times a day and it’s often soft and doesn’t seem as solid as it should be. Constipation is now a rarity.

“You’re just as quick to dump people you no longer want in your life as they are to dump you and anyone else,” someone reminded me.

This is very true and I don’t deny it or make any apologies for it. I’m nowhere near as tolerant as I was 20 years ago. I admit it. Totally. I guess you just reach a point in life where you’re not willing to put up with as much shit, and you find it easier to just let the person go rather than struggle to work out conflicts.

I would never dump anyone without feeling like I had a good reason, though. I’m not going to walk away from you just because you may be wearing an ugly shirt, or cut ties with someone that loves heavy metal music. It’s all about honesty and acceptance. If you can be honest with me and you can accept me as I am without being judgmental or pushy, then there shouldn’t be a problem unless you’ve got something like a scary temper, or you’re a druggie, or I think you might be into something illegal that I could get caught up in. It’s the arrogant, liars I can’t stand. The control freaks that believe their way is the only way, and by God, you’re going to follow their example or else, that I have a problem with.

Having another day of rain, and yes, I’m sick of it because I’m sick of working out indoors. The skier’s so boring compared to walking and running outdoors. I tell you, something has been trying to keep me from enjoying the park. First with my health, now with the weather. It’s been an unusually wet and cold winter. I’ve barely been out there these last few months. Had I known the winter would be this wet I would have invested in a raincoat and rubber boots. I’m getting back out there tomorrow no matter what, though. I’m tired of it being too hot, too cold, too wet, too something. Oh, what I would give to move to Hawaii! Florida is probably going to be too wet and too humid most of the time, but I don’t think it’ll keep me indoors any more than it does here. Tomorrow I’m going to bundle up and just go. If I get wet, well, it’s only water, cold or not.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2017
So Aly’s dating a woman, huh? At least that’s the impression I get from some of her tweets. Well, men dump her because they get sick of her constant problems and demands, so let’s see how long she can last with a woman.

Couldn’t resist messaging her on my-diary since there’s no block feature there for some strange reason. And no, I didn’t have anything nice to say. This is the only one of her many accounts she still has that I know of, only it’s private. Because we’ve exchanged messages from it in the past, she should still get my message unless she’s not checking that account or her notifications.

I was going to join Girlfriend Social, a place for women to meet other women in their area for platonic relationships, but then I stopped myself for the usual reasons.

The type of person I would want to be friends with probably wouldn’t join a site like this.

I remember those who dumped me and that I thought truly cared about me and seemed to accept me as I am.

I don’t drive which would mean that all the driving would be on her, which most people would find unfair.

I don’t need to be questioned or judged for things like my sleep disorder, driving phobia, not having a regular 9-to-5, and simply not being “normal.” Remember, I’m the one that has to live with these hardships.

No relationship of any kind be it platonic or not has ever been able to be “forced,” arranged or planned in advance by me. Anyone I’ve ever been meant to meet was totally unplanned and unexpected. I totally believe without a doubt that in my case friendships and relationships can’t be “worked for.” They either happen on their own or they don’t. I wasn’t looking for Tom and I wasn’t looking for the friends I’ve met online. We simply met one day on or off-line and started talking. The rest played itself out on its own for the most part.

Later…

Yay, Tom has an interview for tomorrow! We don’t know that this could mean the difference between Florida and Hawaii, but it could mean the difference between working 50 hours a week vs. 40. He’ll settle for the same amount he would earn with OT, only without the OT.

Looks like he was right in his theory that the roof only leaked because it was so ferociously windy. The wind would’ve lifted the old adhesive on the shingles easily. After he did some research and shared it with me, the roofing won’t cost as much as I thought it would. For some reason, I thought it’d cost 10 grand or more, but we should be able to do it for 3-5 grand. Then we’re going to add solar panels. We knew we would be redoing the roof at some point during our time here, and if anything, it will give us more money in the end. It will up the value of the house for when we sell it in a decade or so, and they pay you for the energy you put back out. We just have to wait for drier weather. It doesn’t usually rain from late spring to early fall here.

Bob came over with 3 pieces of mail to us wanting to loan us 50K which was accidentally delivered to him. He opened them before realizing they were for us. No problem. We too, just open mail without looking at whom it’s addressed to.

Got a missed call from the medical group. Then when I checked online, I found Dr. G’s appointment was canceled. It would’ve been nice if someone had told me. I asked Dr. A if it was just an error or if it was really canceled. I told her I haven’t had any anxiety, but am still having constant water retention and sore boobies.

I spotted yesterday and now I’m having a light flow. So I guess the damn will burst tomorrow. Not at all a good sign. I really thought my periods would have stopped, lightened up, or gotten further apart by now. Not come a day early two months in a row. It’s like I’ve gone from perimenopause to a permanent case of PMS with periods. :(

I was on a small boat at night and the lights on the boat were off. There was a full moon and the moonlight glistening upon the ocean was a beautiful scene. Scattered about the water were other Yachts. I saw some kids running around on one of them off in the distance.

The lights of the boat I was on suddenly came on and everyone was freaking out because their luggage had been stolen or swapped while the lights were out. I looked down at the purse I was holding and saw that it was someone else’s.

The next dream was the most interesting in a funny and weird kind of way. It was longer and more detailed. We were cruising again in what looked to be the same stateroom we had the last time. It was getting pretty late and Tom went to bed. Not ready for sleep, I was out and about somewhere for a while, and then I returned to our room. In the darkened room, a woman rose from the floor at the foot of the bed and started to explain why she was there. Tom then got out of bed and explained along with her that there had been a fire at one end of the ship that damaged several rooms. Therefore, people were asked if they would accommodate those who lost their rooms.

The woman was about 5’6”, skinny, with blue eyes and long silver hair a few inches past her shoulders. She appeared to be in her mid-50s and was between average and pleasant-looking. She introduced herself as “Meadow.” She said she’d seen me around before, but I didn’t remember seeing her. She was a traveling nurse who wasn’t sure where she was heading but said she had plenty of money in savings to get a place right away no matter where she ended up.

Later…

This delayed flushing shit is pissing me off. I could have flushed the toilet the old-fashioned way twice in the same amount of time. Something’s wrong with the sensor for me to have to wave my hand in front of it for 5 seconds before it will finally flush.

I seriously hope that when Wade vs. Roe is overturned, and it seems likely these days, women not only start dying like crazy from self-abortions but that those that have them kill them, film it, send it to those that overturned it, and make an example of what will happen when they fuck with women’s rights/bodies. I say let them watch in horror the consequences of setting them back 50 years. It was never about them giving a shit about babies, born or unborn; it’s about control over women. That’s all it is. Nothing more, nothing less.

Many people believe that marriage equality will also be overturned and sent back in time. It’s just a signature on a piece of paper after all, and technically, anybody in charge can sign anything into law or back out of law if they have enough people backing them. It’s all a matter of who’s in charge. Murder could become legal if people push it hard enough.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2017
I woke up this morning and went to use the bathroom. Butt on the toilet, I thought how it would be a bad day today. I then told myself that was a silly thought to have since everything seemed to be running smoothly and I felt okay except for maybe a little lung tightness. I did have a negative dream, but that involved me assaulting some guy who was chasing some girl in a threatening way, and not anything bad happening to me personally. Or Tom.

But then I flushed the toilet, went to wash my hands, and saw it in the mirror. The dark circle in the ceiling about 3 inches in diameter. Yes, our nearly 34-year-old roof is leaking. There are also a couple of faint lines visible a few feet away from the spot.

Last night I told Tom that I noticed it smelled musty in here despite how clean I keep it and the scented things I have and that I suspected a leak somewhere with all the rain we’ve had. He disagreed. Yeah, well maybe now he really will get that, yes, his wife sure does have the nose of a bloodhound compliments of being born hearing-impaired. As I was lying in bed listening to audiobooks and falling asleep last night, the smell annoyed me.

So now I’m worried that our savings is about to be lost to this shit and this will make it considerably harder for us to move anywhere when he retires. Yes, money issues are way better than health issues, but we seriously may have just lost quite a bit and it could really affect our future.

Realizing that next door would know more about this house in some ways than we do, I asked them for recommendations and if this truly is the original roof as I suspect it is. Bob says it is. They did their roof in 2003. The guy that did it is retired. The guy’s BIL replaced their windows. Their place is absolutely gorgeous. I drool over it every time I see it. I love their textured walls.

“Well, you oughta come over here and make me feel better,” Virginia said in response to my compliments.

Let’s just trade houses.

The canvases and frames came today, and getting these giant posters into them and hanging them was a bitch. I should’ve stuck to stickers, canvases or maybe tapestries.

In another dream, I was out somewhere with a woman and her son. They needed $.60 for something and I dug out the change from my purse and gave it to them. The woman thanked me and I said it was the least I could do for them helping me. I don’t know how they helped me, though.

In the last dream, Tom was saying that he wouldn’t like a mannequin with molded hair. Then a young girl was going to take a shower in my bathroom, so I went and peed in Tom’s bathroom, which looked much bigger and different than it really does.

I asked Tom if he was for or against immigration, and he’s for it. This is because even though he doesn’t think he’ll ever move to another country, he still wants the option, and feels it would be hypocritical of him to expect to be able to move to other countries while denying others to come here.

I’m still torn on it. Norma’s for it because immigrants are willing to do jobs that most Americans aren’t, but come on. Tom would gladly have done one of those jobs when the economy collapsed. But all the fucking foreigners were hogging them up.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2017
Get rid of one noise problem, get another. I swear if it isn’t one noise source, it’s another. Get rid of the contractor, gain a ferociously loud car that just has to come and go several times a day. Again I’ll ask where a bunch of retired folks could possibly need to go so often.

It’s raining today, so again there will be no working out outdoors.

I got a local missed call from a name I didn’t recognize after running the number online and a missed call from a radio station in New York. Really hope this doesn’t have anything to do with the contests I probably shouldn’t have bothered to enter. I get enough spam in my inbox. I don’t need it on my phone as well.

These days I like to keep pictures of the things we get, and I don’t mean just collectibles and knickknacks. Realizing that Amazon usually has higher-quality photos of many of our purchases compared to what I can take with my own camera, I downloaded and replaced some of my own images with theirs. I no longer categorize things in separate file folders. I just make yearly folders and throw all the pictures I took that year in the same folder. The only exception will be vacation pics.

Tom’s boss says he has a good chance of getting the promotion that’s supposed to pay more but be fewer hours, but anybody can say that. I just wonder how many more weeks they’re going to string him along and keep him waiting until they tell him yes or no. His only concern is that it may require traveling. If it was infrequent, I could go to, but if it was frequent, then I couldn’t.

In last night’s dream, I was in a bedroom that didn’t look like my bedroom. I wanted to push something against my old desk (the one I used in the trailer and that’s now in this bedroom) to keep it from slipping across the floor. I was going to push my dresser alongside it, but it was too heavy.

Then I was walking along a pier that ran alongside wherever we lived and it was nighttime. There was just enough light to see the edge of the pier so I wouldn’t fall off and into the water.

Then suddenly I was in bright daylight and telling the “pictures” that it wouldn’t hurt me if I fell into the water. It would just be very cold. Then again, I may hit bottom in some places, I told them, because I was heavy and getting old.

I glanced at one small section of water that had 3 cement retaining walls around it and could clearly see through to the bottom, guessing it to be 5- 6 feet deep.

Later…

Sometimes I’m embarrassed to be part of the human race. Literally. I may not know it all, but some people’s stupidity never ceases to amaze me. Like this person who commented about how gays shouldn’t be allowed to adopt little boys.

Does this person ever really sit and listen to themselves? If they took the time to really hear what a true idiot they are, they wouldn’t get the logic behind this statement any more than I do. That’s because not only are most child molesters straight as a pencil, but if we should stop gay men from adopting gay boys, then we should stop straight men from having girls and straight women from having boys. Right?

I just don’t get people at times, including how it can be “unlawful” to ban terrorists from the country. No matter how many times we see them on the news going on killing sprees, everybody just loves them and wants to welcome them with open arms. Would you like to invite child molesters into your community, too? I mean you might as well. How about wife beaters, arsonists, and thieves? If people want terrorists living amongst them, then I guess anything goes these days all in the name of “political correctness.”

Other than stupidity and the senselessness that goes on in this world, my spaghetti came out damn good. Still loving the new pots and pans. The mint green pot that I used to boil the water looked turquoise today, LOL, but it’s still lovely. After I helped myself to what I wanted and then put the clear cover on it, I thought it would fog up, but it didn’t.

Someone just pulled up to see Tricia and they did what I wish everybody would do who visit the people around here. They got out of their car and they went inside the house. Simple as that. They didn’t stand around outside slamming car doors over and over again. Then again, it is raining out there today.

What else… Aly tweeted that it doesn’t feel good to be pushed to the side after doing something nice for someone, a tweet obviously aimed at Kim. I mean come on, she’s her only real friend there. Who else could she be talking about? Then again, I’ve learned that Aly is the type to have a problem with just about everybody. She’s also getting on Kim to chat with her because “seriously, this can’t wait.”

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2017
I keep telling myself that I really should write these entries and not rely on dictation due to all the typos it makes, but it gets addicting after a while. It’s just so fun and convenient to use.

Still feeling great. Lots of energy, sleeping better, and even had a funny dream, though I did wake up sweating once.

Walmart decided for the fourth time that we were new customers for online orders, haha, so this bag of freebies contained a small bag of chips and a small bag of granola, which I shared with the rats. There was also another small bottle of water and a tube of Vaseline lotion. I swear I have a lifetime supply of lotion! Got a couple more packets of Splenda, too.

Picked a great day for treasure hunting at Goodwill. Doll restoration, as you may know, is one of my hobbies. I always loved some of the fancy gowns on those 38” Barbies but hated the faces. Way up high on a shelf in the back corner of the store I found a pretty decent one for just $6. Great price for a doll that goes for over $100, and sometimes even over $200.

This one is a blue-eyed blond with straight but somewhat fuzzy hair almost to the waist. She wears a lovely purple gown. The top is deep violet velvet with a flower just under one shoulder. The bottom has a purple satin liner with 3 layers of purple and white chiffon with hints of glitter. A purple sash is tied around her waist and it too, has a flower on it. She has a “pearl” necklace but no shoes. I polished her fingernails and toenails royal purple.

Then I was lucky enough to spot another doll from the BFC Ink. collection for $4. This is the Noelle doll with black hair and brown eyes. Her pink jeans and white blouse are in good condition, but her shoes were missing. I’ll grab some shoes for them on Amazon sometime. These dolls usually go for $100 or more.

I polished the BFC doll’s fingernails but didn’t bother with the toes. Noelle’s are blue, Yuko’s purple, Calista’s neon yellow, and Gianna’s are hot pink.

Tammy and I were remembering that it was a year ago that we saw each other. We miss each other, and as I told her, we won’t let another 25 years go by without seeing each other this time. I appreciate and am grateful to those family members who care about me enough to include me in their lives, though I do wish I’d hear from Becky and Sarah a little more often. I do get the age difference thing, though.

As for those who have proven not to care, they can continue to stay away because they will never be forgiven. It isn’t a matter of forgiveness at this point, though. It’s a matter of me simply not giving a shit any more than they do. I’ll never admit to any wrongdoings I didn’t do just to make them happy, but I will and have admitted to what I actually was guilty of. But it’s all irrelevant in this day and age. I don’t forgive, neither do they, and this is the way it stays! :) I wish some of them luck, but they aren’t welcome in my life. I’m simply getting too old for any toxic drama.

Wanting to avoid trouble is why a part of me doesn’t want to move to Florida. The last thing I want is to get caught up in any drama involving Lisa. Or any of them for that matter. Not saying that would happen, but you never know with aggressive, vengeful people who get pissed easily and have no problem spiting people and getting revenge on them. Being on the other side of the country is one thing, but being in the same town is another. I’m also not so sure I want to hear about Lisa, Bill and God every single fucking time I got together with Tammy.

So the funny dream was about being asked to sing for hundreds of people somewhere. I absentmindedly agreed at first without giving it much thought. Then I realized I didn’t have many songs memorized these days since I don’t sing regularly anymore. I tried to tell this to the lady who asked me to sing that night and she said, “Oh, no problem. I’ll just play CDs and you can lip-sync. Then you can learn some fresh stuff and sing for real another time.”

Before I could point out that I could never sing for real since people would realize that I sounded a lot different from whoever’s stuff I was lip-syncing that night, I was on stage trying to sync my lips to shit I’d never heard before.

“You’re a perfect 10!” someone told me after the “concert.”

“No, I’m not.” I wanted to tell them. “I’m only a 7 or 8. Swear it. I really am.”

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2017
Jim’s alive! Yeah, I heard and saw him and Bob on their early morning walk, so that’s nice. I thought Bob was in a rather chipper mood when we last talked to have just lost what’s probably one of his best friends, anyway. Maybe the ambulance was for his wife. I live with old people. Those things do come around more often here.

Bob and a few others had company today, which meant some door-slamming. No landscaping noise today.

Today was a mix of sun and clouds. There was just a little bit of a drizzle when we were out earlier. We still have more rain coming. It’s been unbelievable this year. Because of all the clouds, I let my solar keyboard charge overnight by placing LED lights on top of it that Tom uses to charge his own keyboard.

I have found that listening to audiobooks helps me get to sleep a lot easier than this LUX light does. I don’t expect it to keep me on schedule, but I’m going to see if I can manipulate it at least a little. Beginning late in the month I have a shitload of appointments coming up… GYN, dentist (I might need another fucking crown), PCP, ENT, and the shrink I’m still not sure I need to see. I’m virtually certain that my intermittent problems with anxiety are caused by the perimenopause. That’s why Dr. A referred me to a GYN. I don’t like the idea of taking psych meds every single day when I’m not even anxious every single day. I do like to have the lorazepam around in case I need it, but I haven’t had anxiety for nearly a month now. So why should I have taken that or something else and made myself drowsy for no reason this last month? We have a good insurance plan, and if I don’t receive an “inside referral,” I really do my homework before I choose a doctor. This lady has lots of high ratings, so it won’t hurt me to see her at least once. This way, if I ever do need more lorazepam in the future, she can write me a prescription. PCPs don’t like to dispense that regularly because it’s a controlled substance. She’ll probably want to do another random narcotics piss test soon, but fine. Hashi’s, even with treatment, are notorious pissers. So I have plenty of it to give. ;)

I received a few posters today. One of them was that smaller alligator poster, and of course, I took a picture to show Tammy that I got the alligator she dared me to hang, LOL. I think big sis sometimes forgets that little sis loves that kind of shit. :-) I just got a smaller print that was less expensive.

The starry sky through the treetops and the colorful wildflowers in the woods are gorgeous, but they kind of look funny taped to the wall because they’re so big. I’m definitely going to get frames for them. The colors are sharp and clear and it’s hard to believe the posters were just a few bucks each. It’s the damn frames that can be a little pricey.

My diaphragm muscles have completely recovered from last week’s food poisoning puking session, and on Monday it’s back on the Bowflex.

“Why do I bother with such slavery?” I sometimes ask myself. “Because I love how it makes me feel, and I love seeing the muscles in my tummy (even with water retention and a layer of fat), and I know I’m going to proudly show them off in crop tops this summer, too.”

No matter how much money we have, I still love looking in dollar stores. So we stopped at one today and I got a cute pink metal flower with a large pink gem in the center of it from which a single cowbell hangs, vanilla brown sugar body spray & small hair ties with gems. I often put my hair in a braid when I’m working out or cleaning. Splurged on a candy bar, too. I try not to overeat during the week, but I do on weekends.

We stopped at Raley’s where he got some treats and we both got some cooked food, chicken and potato wedges. I gotta really lay off the cholesterol, though. Labs are now less than a month away.

Tried out several TV series on Netflix before I settled on one I like called Life, now that I’m done with Lie to Me.

Now it’s off to relax and do some coloring in my ratty coloring book. As much as I love to work, I’m not doing any online or offline work today. Even I deserve a day off once or twice a week. :-)

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2017
I thanked Day-Lee Foods for the food poisoning I got from their chicken potstickers and was surprised with a reply. The guy apologized and said they take that seriously and even offered a refund if I still had the box and could give him information from that. The box is out in the trash, which is to be picked up any second, and the $4 it costs isn’t worth digging through the smelly mess to get at the info. He asked if I wanted a copy of the report from their investigation, so I’m assuming that others have complained recently as well.

Actually, the guy just replied again and said they haven’t had any recent complaints, but still wanted my address to send me a refund and would do an investigation on recent production lot numbers. He did have a point when he brought up the other reasons this could have happened. It might not necessarily be Day-Lee’s fault. Transportation could’ve had issues with things like broken freezers.

Is it me who’s lost my mind, or is it the rest of the world? ANOTHER Muzzie has gone on a machete rampage yet the US is in an uproar about not letting these motherfuckers into the country. I’ll never understand people. Ever. I just think it’s kind of sad that people are so obsessed with being politically correct that they’ve lost all sense of reality and common sense. That is unless I’m the one who’s totally missing something here. If not, what’s next? The same love for child molesters?

I try to let others be as they are and I expect the same treatment in return. But sometimes I find it awfully hard to be all-accepting and tolerant of other people’s beliefs and opinions, and this is one such case. No matter how often they make the news, everybody still loves the Muzzies and wants to welcome them with open arms?

What? The? Fuck?

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2017
When we picked up our groceries last Sunday, Walmart thought for the third time that we were new customers and gave us a welcome bag of freebies, LOL. This time there were a few sugar packets, a small bottle of water, chocolate chip cookies, nuts, and a yucky granola bar.

A few hours before the effects of the food poisoning hit me on Wednesday, I went out walking and was surprised to spot a loose German Shepherd across the lake. I don’t have the greatest vision, but I’m pretty sure no one was with it. I was surprised because I’ve never seen a loose dog in this park, and it is walled off. A dog, even a large one, might be able to squeeze through somewhere, though. Only sections of it are block walls. There’s just regular fencing in other areas.

I find big dogs unnerving, so not knowing what it might do, I turned around and headed in the other direction, not wanting to meet up with the thing at the west side of the lake.

I ran the last two blocks home and covered the distance rather quickly because I was moving pretty fast.

As I rounded the corner onto my street I saw the lady that lives next to the “Twenties” working in her front yard. I introduced myself to her. Her name is Trisha and she lives by herself. Wow, one person in a 3-bedroom?

She told me she wasn’t very sociable (neither am I), and was retired but still worked as a contractor. Something to do with insurance and long-term healthcare. Tammy would’ve understood this better, whereas this isn’t my language. I did get the part where she said she still gives massages at her acupuncture business and makes jewelry.

Whereas yesterday I was surprisingly drained, today my diaphragm muscles are sore as hell, even though I only threw up once and I work out regularly. I guess we just don’t normally use those muscles in that way and with such force.

I had a rather disturbing dream last night. I was in the bathroom when I heard Tom start shouting to someone I assumed came to the door, and then he was screaming. I ran out of the bathroom just in time to see someone running across the living room. Horrified and pissed, I charged toward them and tackled them with my arms around their waist, but then the dream ended as we hit the floor and I started throwing punches.

In another dream, I was showing my dad my nails, which I had just polished green.

“That would be very hard to remove,” he said.

“Yeah, green and blue are tough to remove,” I said. LOL

Then I had a dream I was in a gift shop and had my eye on a $400 doll that I really liked. Then someone called me to ask about someone they hadn’t seen in a while. A young woman, I guess.

In the next dream, I was talking with a few people to a black couple who were waiting to be accepted into the park. Someone asked when they would know, and they said anytime now.

In the last dream, Tammy told me she weighed 230 pounds, and then I had a dream that I told her about the dream.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2017
So much for writing about how good I’ve been feeling. No, I haven’t had any anxiety. And no, no hot flashes either. Instead, I had a kick-ass case of food poisoning, probably from the chicken pot stickers I had.

I was almost ready for bed when it happened. It started with some gas and those sharp upper belly cramps. I hadn’t had too much fiber or anything greasy, so if I couldn’t eat what I ate yesterday, then what could I eat? I asked myself.

Then I started to feel nauseous. My mouth filled with saliva and I knew there was no holding back and that it was going to come up for sure. I threw up for the first time in nearly 20 years. As gross as it was, I knew that puking was best for me at that point because it would squeeze out whatever nasty shit was in my system. The sheer force and amount of it were brutal. I could taste puke even after brushing my teeth and it seemed to be in my nose as well. I had to wipe up the backsplash all over the fucking toilet. I didn’t think to raise the lid when I puked. Thank God for Clorox wipes.

I felt better for a while and then a new wave of cramps and gas hit me, and then it was off to have the runs. Again I had to clean up the backsplash when I was both weak and tired.

Now that the bacteria was pretty much cleansed from my system, I could finally get some sleep after being up 19 hours. Even though I slept 8 hours, I awoke feeling rundown. It took more out of me than I expected. I really thought I’d bounce back to normal the next day (today), but nope. Not quite. I’m skipping my workout and my housecleaning today. I’m just going to take it easy, get some bedrest, and not do anything too strenuous.

I managed to eat a little bit, but I was more concerned with keeping myself hydrated. I lost 2 pounds, and I put on an old sleep shirt my mother sent me which I haven’t worn for about a year. I expected it to be a bit tight and clingy, but the material just dropped as I slipped it over my head and it hangs straight down.

I took a bath, and then I reached into the freezer and threw the rest of the listeria away. You know, I’ve been hearing so many cases of this shit going around and now it makes me wonder every time I eat if my food could be contaminated or not.

Anyway, I’ve sat up long enough. I’m going to get back into bed now. Tomorrow I’ll write about Trisha.