October 2016 in 2010s

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2016
Again this weight thing is really weird. I lost that half a pound that I gained yet I ate like a pig yesterday. I almost always binge on weekends. My only exercise was walking around Walmart.

Yesterday morning was chilly and clear and then the wind picked up and by lunchtime, it started raining. This went on for a couple of hours. It was nice to hear the sound of rain instead of motorcycles, chainsaws, blowers and mowers.

Last night I dreamed we moved from someplace that didn’t look like this. I ended up regretting it and I wanted to try to move back because I wanted to stick with what was familiar to me.

Then I dreamed I was back in the place and in the bedroom, which was long and narrow. A long dresser I had gotten wherever we started to move to stood against one wall while a tall dresser we’d had for years was back in its usual spot against another wall.

I looked at the thermometer and saw that it was 74° outside and regretted not going swimming the day before when it was much hotter.

Then I took a notebook out of a drawer and walked into our huge living room which didn’t look like it really does and that seemed to only have a couch in it. I reached up and turned on this weird-looking ceiling fan and then sat down on the couch. I was going to write the names of my favorite incense fragrances in the notebook.

Someone in Utah has taken a 2-hour interest in my journal. I wonder if it’s connected to the Ms. That would be the stormin’ Mormons who lived next to us from 1993 to 1996 in Phoenix. I came across their name when screening entries for my monthly bio project and decided to let them know how crazy their brats drove me in Phoenix, then condemned them for hating gays.

The mother replied saying that he drove them crazy too, was autistic, was gay, is now a responsible 26-year-old, and she couldn’t understand my gay reference.

Right away I felt bad for ranking on her and assuming that all Mormons hated gays.

She then went to friends only. I was kind of surprised that someone like her would not only be public in the first place but an apparent Facebook addict who allowed anyone to comment on her posts.

I apologized to her and told her that I actually missed them after they moved because of how much worse the welfare bums that took their place were.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2016
Kate Jackson turned 67 yesterday. Jaclyn Smith recently turned 70 and so I thought she was turned 70 this year as well.

I’ve been hearing less and less from Tammy and sometimes I wonder if it’s personal. It’s okay if it is, though, as I know that less interaction means less potential for drama.

I still like my hot pink vibe (it’s good for feet too), but once again my appetite has gone to hell.

I discovered one way to pull up photographs of people on Facebook unable to be found on their accounts is to do a search for their name, plus the word photos. That way, if anyone has tagged them in a public photo, it will show up.

I searched for Stacey’s sister Lisa. Lisa’s profile picture is taken from the side and it gives you the impression that she’s pretty good-looking. As it turns out, however, once I found a front-face shot of hers, I could see that she was ugly as fuck. She’s not as thin as Stacey but she’s not that big. Her sister Marcy is pretty big, though. Stacey is clearly the best-looking of the three.

Tom and I were discussing the possibility of karma, and the only thing that shoots holes in that theory, just like population fluctuations shoots holes in the reincarnation theory, is the two-year-old who dies of cancer. I mean what could they possibly have done to deserve it?

Yesterday I finished my book at 61292 words! After a MASSIVE editing job, it will probably come to 62K - 63K words.

Even though Fitbit says I was “under the zone” calorie-wise for yesterday, I’m up half a pound today. Tom says you can’t weigh yourself on a daily basis. I say Fitbit can’t accurately estimate the pitiful calorie burn for one with Hashimoto’s.

Last night I dreamed of winning $2000 worth of makeup. I don’t see it as a sign of anything extraordinarily good to come, however, since I’ve had very few dream premonitions in quite a while now. It was still better than being chased by flying spiders.

I also had a dream we were moving and that I was telling someone that this park/house was a mistake. It’s noisier than I would like but I would never consider it a mistake. Not leaving Arizona in 1999 and moving to Oregon… that might be a mistake. Maybe even coming to this state. But if we hadn’t, as I told Stacey, we never would have met.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2016
Today I’m achy from my hips to my knees, but life is otherwise good. It’s raining and it will rain tomorrow too, which always keeps things quieter around here. Even yesterday was quieter.

I tried to get Tom to address his dental issues with his doctor after having his 6-month checkup in case he needed antibiotics, but sure enough, he didn’t. He said his doctor would only tell him to see a dentist anyway. Then he teased me about jinxing him because his tooth was horrible afterward. I still think it’s going to come and go till he deals with it.

He might’ve had a point in saying that I would sleep better if I made sure I didn’t get into bed too early and waited until I was ready to fall asleep. I’ve been having to push my schedule for my upcoming appointments, and by not getting into bed until I’m really tired, I do seem to be sleeping better and waking up less often, although that’s not what Fitbit says. Fitbit says I was awake 4 times and restless 30 times. Really? I only remember waking up twice (once to pee), but as I’ve learned, you can’t always go by numbers. You have to go by how you feel. A TSH of 3 may be perfect for most people, but it’s hyper for me, which means the anxiety from hell, rapid weight loss, rapid HR, and plenty of diarrhea. Waiting until I’m ready to drop before I get into bed means better sleep for me and more energy the next day. :-)

They have these new period panties that are supposed to replace pads and tampons and seem really interesting. I was tempted to try a pair, but at $40 apiece I decided I was too close to menopause for it to be worth it.

I’m now on season five of seven of PLL. You can tell it’s from modern times and not the 90s because it isn’t chock-full of pregnancy and childbirth. The characters and the topics may be very entertaining but they’re not very realistic. The stars of the show are in high school yet they’re too mature, intelligent, reliable and caring. Not even older people would be that selfless and forgiving. And no one ever interrupts or talks over anyone when they all get together, too. If I can’t usually get a word in edgewise talking to just one other person, how could you talk one at a time with so many others?

Also, their tormentor who bullies them for years isn’t very realistic because they can’t be everywhere at once and know as much as they do, which is pretty much everything. It’s still a very entertaining show, like I said.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2016
Since I was asleep when Tom got home and went to sleep himself, he left an email saying everything went well at the doctor’s but that he’s up 5 pounds. In other words, he’s going to continue to ignore his teeth, which really need to be dealt with, phobia or not.

Mine is still up a few pounds and has basically become me and a part of me because of how long I let it hang on. The longer it’s left on, the more the body gets used to it. I realize I’ve got to really fight to get it down at least a little for the sake of my TSH and not just my mobility. If my TSH can go down with weight loss, then couldn’t this extra weight push it up? It only makes sense when you think about it and I am NOT going to 88s.

I got a text from my dentist saying to call and schedule something sooner on the calendar, or something to that effect. I texted back saying that I wasn’t scheduled until March, so was there some reason I needed to come in sooner?

I also received an email about the first one getting lunch on them that came in at lunchtime or something like that today. So they’re probably just spamming me. Shame on them, too.

We’re going to have to change priorities as far as the next expensive upgrade goes and soundproof my bedroom windows. There are now way too many motorcycles in this fucking park, way too close to the house. What we’re getting today would’ve been like Jesse roaring right by the trailer. They’re tearing in and out of here as early as 6am and I can hear the fucking things loud and clear even with the sound machine AND an earplug. By 11am I’d already heard them four times.

It’s just fucking ridiculous. Especially when I know these things can be made softer. Oh, the things people do and the money they’ll spend just to get attention from anybody and everybody. Are there that many people who feel neglected and like they haven’t gotten enough attention recognition in life that they have to force it on others? Whether it’s a power trip or a cry for acknowledgment, it really pisses me off when people force such noise on me. I don’t do it to others. I’m just sick of this shit and how there’s always one thing after another no matter where we go. Just when I think how it should be quieter now that the contractor is gone, we’ve got more motorcycles to deal with. If they were suddenly re-banned, as they should be, then more people would break out their saws and hammers. It’s like I’m always meant to listen to something. I wish the US would adopt Germany’s new Quiet Sunday law where loud sounds/machinery aren’t allowed on Sundays.

The motorcycle next to Jim usually only goes out on weekends. That cock takes a white pickup to work. The one with the orange motorcycle on the other side of the circle, however, is clearly not working. Like most people, they are in and out three or four times a day, and there’s only going to be more and more of them popping up around here, and we’re still going to be on what… the third busiest street in the park that’s right off of the busiest? Even if everybody complained… the park has already made up its mind and is going to do what they’re going to do no matter what.

I also saw a cock on a white motorcycle go slowly down the street looking at a piece of paper. They tore out of here a minute later, so they’re obviously looking to buy one of the houses for sale. Even if they weren’t, every few households have them, so it’s logical to assume that one or two out of the four houses is going to have one, and they obviously prefer the loudest kind here. So instead of the dryer or the stove, I want to get those windows done. If Tom wants to cut the expense to just one window instead of two, we can always swap bedrooms.

I’m surprised Arizona wasn’t a big motorcycle state. If they can ride in the cold (and it was really chilly in the low to mid-50s this morning just walking, so I was amazed anyone could go riding) I would think they would certainly be able to handle the heat. I almost wrote off Florida because of them and decided we should just shoot over the border into Nevada when he retires. There are way too many of them here and in Florida and they’re almost as bad as loud car stereos with their thumping bass that can be heard a million miles away.

On the bright side, the ridiculous noise levels despite living with old people are the worst of my problems and my only problem. Everything else is going well. I’ve had fewer earaches, and my hip is doing better.

The only thing I remember for dreams seems to be something about chatting with Jenny C and resuming our so-called friendship. I definitely wouldn’t have any desire to do that even if she lived right down the street. No hard feelings after nearly 30 years, just no desire to associate with her. Or Emily. Or even Jessie since I stopped hearing from her and deleted her on Facebook some time ago.

I don’t know if there’s something about me personally that loses people like I have or if it’s simply just a part of life, but I’m not about to change who and what I am either. I’d rather be myself and lose people and have only a few good friends, rather than be more like the rest of the world and meet their standards just to hang onto people more easily and acquire more friends.

Jenny dumped me because I had too many more problems than she could handle. I was still very young and had a lot of shit to work through. She left me to have to go it alone until I met Andy. Andy wasn’t always high on sensitivity and support, but he was there… until I cut ties with him because I couldn’t tolerate his negativity (I know in his mind he felt he was only being honest) or his arrogant, judgmental, and annoying ways.

Emily and I basically just drifted apart, though she may have been uncomfortable with my coming out. Again… no problem. Baring our true selves shows us just who our true friends are and who they aren’t. Some are proud of me for being me, others criticize it, not that I care. I mean I’m still going to do what I’m going to do. But yeah, if you don’t like one that can be blunt, liberal and a bit eccentric, then I’m not the friend for you. I don’t believe in invisible fantasies people call God. I don’t make excuses for my mother’s abuse because it’s “kind” or “correct” by saying she “did the best she could” or that she “must have loved me deep down.” I just don’t sugarcoat things is what I’m saying.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2016
To say that this October has been much better than last October is the understatement of the century. At this time last year, I was making my final descent into hell as my endo fine-tuned my thyroid meds.

But is something up there trying to keep me from enjoying walking and jogging around the park? Seriously, it really truly does seem like it’s been one thing after another for over two years now. First it’s my anxiety. Then I have hot flashes to worry about, and now I’ve got various aches and pains holding me back. It’s mostly my right hip. I don’t know if it’s the sciatic nerve as Tom suggested, arthritis, or something else. I just get tired of one thing after another keeping me from enjoying exercising outdoors more often. I don’t mind watching my shows while on my skier, but being outdoors in the fresh air is always nicer. Of course the weather can be an issue, too. I don’t want to be out running at 100° anymore than I want to at 30°.

It just seems too coincidental, though. If I had issues for a few months or maybe even a year, that’d be one thing. But I’m really starting to feel like something is seriously trying to choke back my outdoor exercise, and this is coming from an agnostic who tends to lean more toward atheism.

So if there is something trying to cut my outdoor activity down, then why? Is it protection or punishment? I can’t imagine anything trying to protect me from anything in a gated adult community. The odds of being abducted, robbed or raped or anything like that here is next to nil. I don’t carry a purse and not many perverts are going to be interested in one my age. Besides, this isn’t the place to scout for victims anyway.

So ruling the protection thing out, since criminal activity is unlikely as is a pack of wolves or a giant grizzly bear, then am I being picked on for some reason? If so, I can’t imagine why. Whose ass did I ever prevent from enjoying the great outdoors?

Eh, I gotta assume – and hope – that I’ll finally stop “happening” to have one thing after another soon enough. Can’t help but wonder… if I vowed to quit outdoor working out altogether and just do it at home, would I have fewer problems?

I skied for about 15 minutes and was going to do 3 rounds around the circle to bring it to a half-hour, but sure enough, I only made one round before it started raining. We’re in for a few days of rain this week except for tomorrow.

Anyway, whether it’s happenstance or something determined to keep my outdoor activity to a minimum, I’ve been doing well overall. No anxiety. No recent earaches.

Later…

Although Pretty Little Liars is a work of fiction, “Aria” and “Mr. Fitz” are a reminder that those forbidden relationships really do happen, when I remember Johnson and think of Stacey, even though we didn’t actually do anything. At least not yet anyway. I still think that after a year, it’s not considered unethical. If that’s what I read is the case for MDers, then I would think it would be the same for PhDers.

I wonder though… has she ever met with any other former patients? It doesn’t matter either way. I’m just curious. After something like 27 years, it’s just hard to believe I could be the first that she’s liked in the way she likes me.

This is strictly a guess, but if she ever planned to call me if I didn’t call her, I’m guessing it would’ve been towards the spring or summer. I’m still going to be her Valentine’s phone call, though. :-)

Karen in Texas suggested that my metabolic issues could make me more sensitive to pain. I mentioned it to Tom and he said it makes sense when you really think about it. It might be why my endo asked me about joint and muscle pain when I last saw her in May. My knees and ankles used to bother me before I began treatment.

My hip pain is definitely fueled by activity. It doesn’t act up just for shits and giggles. Yesterday I did 15 minutes on the skier and the pain was minimal. After that round I made around the circle, however, it became very stiff and sore. Makes me wonder how I managed to twirl around on stage all night long, half-naked on heels, 25 years ago. Times really do change, LOL. All I remember from those days are sore feet. I was sore overall after my first day, but then my body quickly got used to it. Unless Stacey would ever like a private little dance… my dancing shoes have long since been hung up.

Tom and I are going out walking before work but it will only be for about 20 minutes, so that means a duck walk as opposed to an office walk, or an RV walk, or a perimeter walk. OMG, I think a perimeter walk, which is just over 2 miles, would damn near kill me.

Her suggestion explains why Bob and Jim can walk for a mile or two every single day while in their late 80s. But here I am having barely cracked my 50s and wondering what condition I’m going to be in in another 20 years. Assuming I’m even alive, that is. I still have a chance of an instant extinction thanks to a heart attack or a stroke since that shit runs rampant in my family. Other than asthma and allergies, I really didn’t expect to get any additional diseases or conditions until I was over 70, but I guess one can never know. Almost anything can hit us at any time.

I got up to pee a few hours after I crashed and I made a mental note to remember the dreams I’d had thus far. Yet as is often the case these days, once I woke up for good, I couldn’t remember a thing.

My incontinent little fur babies are gonna want to come out soon, run around, play chase, play hide and seek, and mark the same damn “territories” that have already been marked god knows how many times. Damn right when I say the next place is only going to have carpet in the bedrooms! If you’re a rat, then everything must be chewed on and pissed on as far as you’re concerned.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2016
Enjoying a mocha cappuccino sucker now. Got it at Bed, Bath & Beyond along with a large Hawaiian Lei bath bomb, a set of 5 smaller Raspberry Cream bath bombs, a “diamond” studded rainbow headband most people my age wouldn’t touch, and a couple of boxes of K-cups.

Then we went to Walgreens for junk food and to get my passport photo taken. As I’ve heard many say, we don’t realize just how big we are till we see pictures of ourselves. I am both HUGE and old-looking.

I once managed to give up cigarettes, so maybe I can kick my junk food addiction soon, too. I really binge my weekends away. Since I plan to once again stick to low to no-cholesterol foods beginning in November in preparation for my December labs, maybe that’s when I’ll throw myself on a diet. I won’t lose more than a few pounds being that I’m still an older woman with a bum thyroid, but I’ll be healthier. Although I’m still smart enough to recognize how shitty I look, I wish I could be as obsessed with my appearance as I was in my teens and 20s because that’d probably help motivate me to eat healthier foods and less of them, too. But you know how it is… the older we get the less we care about looks, especially if we’ve got someone who will always love us no matter what.

Anyway, this will be my last week of beef, eggs, and foods like that. Then I’ll just hope for the best as far as both my thyroid and cholesterol numbers go and hope my doctors don’t read this and see how naughty I am between labs, haha.

No, Doc A, I will not take more levothyroxine and I will not let you statin me either. Statins didn’t stop Tammy from having a heart attack, and I really like being 99% anxiety-free, too.

I started to overheat in my sleep and get a beatathon going, but only for a minute. That’s what I get for not sleeping with the fan on and doubling the blanket in this rather extended summer. Yeah, every time I think the cold is here to stay, we have a warm spell. I like it even though it brings out the motorcycles.

Could’ve sworn a loud bang woke me up, too. I could’ve been dreaming, but more than likely some large vehicle hit the speed bump in back too hard. Next house is gonna be on a less-traveled street for damn sure.

I had two dreams that took place in our Maricopa house. In one I was commenting to Tom on just how huge the living room was (even though it looked a bit different) as he sat in a room just off of it, and how I wanted to add more décor to the walls.

Then in another dream there we were supposed to have dangerously high records of heat and humidity. I looked out the front window into the darkness and saw taillights blinking on a few cars that had stopped nearby.

Then I was in some fancy spa or salon in the middle of the night, wandering around with a bag of beauty supplies. People in white coats worked in small rooms with ambient lighting. The place was open 24/7 and they were doing a beauty treatment of some kind on me that was supposed to take 4 hours. The procedure took just 2 hours, though, and then I was free to leave.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2016
Diets leave me hungry. Exercise leaves me hurting. Is something trying to tell me something? My hip’s been screaming at me lately, though it’s an “easy suffering” compared to other things I’ve gone through. I don’t feel it sitting or lying down, but only when I’m standing. Tom wonders if it’s my sciatic nerve. Regardless, I’m taking the day off from exercise, but I’m still doing household chores. The last load of laundry is in the dryer now.

Although I slept late, it’s been surprisingly quiet for such a lovely day. It’s 74° out there, so where are all the motorcycles? I don’t even hear any landscaping.

Once they turned the water back on after four hours yesterday I noticed that it was clearer. So I can once again take a bath if I want to. I’m not nearly as big on baths as I am on showers, but I really like those bath bombs because of how much they help my dry skin. Symptoms of hypothyroidism simply don’t go away with treatment. You still have dry skin and hair and you still can’t lose weight, though I suppose age is a factor as well. I’ve had dry skin since my early 30s, and I abuse my hair with dye and straightening brushes.

Ran into Jim at the mailbox. He asked how I was and said to say hello to Tom who he sees waving to him in the morning when he’s out walking and he’s leaving for work.

I don’t understand what’s up with my computer at times. When I first got up there were some sites I wasn’t able to access, like Twitter, Netflix and Pinterest. I suspected an issue with Flash, but then I was suddenly able to access them again.

They really need to create diapers for rats. I love these guys, but I am really sick of the trail of piss they leave on just about everything, including me. How many times do they have to mark me in order to be considered part of their “territory?”

Later…

So Stacey finally added her son on Facebook. Wonder if she’s looked me up there? Still wish I knew what she was thinking. Does she think of me daily, too? Does she hope I’ll call her? Would she call me if I didn’t? Does she hope to see me at her office again? Does she hope to see me outside of her office? Does she not care if she ever sees me again anywhere?

If she has it in mind to call me if she doesn’t hear from me first, when will she call? If she hopes to see me outside of her office… when will this happen, where will we go, and what will we do?

The only thing I’m sure of is that yes, we will talk someday whether I need to see her in her office or not because if I don’t hear from her by Valentine’s Day, she’ll hear from me. What I’m not sure of is if we’ll keep in touch by phone, online, or ever see each other again in person (in or out of her office). I can’t wait to finally find out the answers to these questions, even if I think I already know them.

Thank you, Mac Dictation, for interpreting my book character as living in a beachside “condom” rather than a beachside “condo.” LOL

My online problems that magically fixed themselves were a DYN attack rather than something being wrong on my end. Fucking assholes. I can’t believe these people could take down so many sites in one day. Big sites.

Still finishing up my book and making preparations for this year’s NaNoWriMo. I still feel a tinge of sadness every time NaNoWriMo comes around because I no longer have Aly doing it with me to keep each other motivated. I’m open to new writing buddies if anyone wants one. :)

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2016
While I’m just as annoyed with things around here, I feel much better today. I slept better last night. Between the tryptophan in the chicken I ate, a couple of ibuprofen for an earache, and then sugar crashing from the candy bar I stupidly had for dessert, I fell asleep earlier than expected. I couldn’t get myself into a deep enough sleep, however, so when I got up to pee I took a lorazepam.

Today I haven’t been lightheaded or had any of the intense head rushes I was getting yesterday, leaving me once again to wonder if it’s connected to when I sleep shitty.

As promised, the water was shut off at 8am sharp. Why can’t these things ever happen when I’m on nights?

Today I was able to manage a half-hour walk. I stopped at the clubhouse hoping to drop a load of pee in their non-flushable toilets, but sure enough, there was a note on the door saying not to use them while the water was turned off. It’d be just my shit luck to pee and then come face-to-face with Joy on my way out. What could I say I was doing in there? Studying my wonderfully ugly reflection in the mirror and getting a good laugh out of it?

Got some music on now to drown out the daily barrage of landscaping, motorcycles, service vehicles, etc. I’m too easily distracted for that shit, and I really want to get my book finished by the end of the month.

Having doubts about my next book idea unless I add more people, I can think of 10 people per state, but I couldn’t come up with enough things to say about some of them to equal the 1000 words per person I originally planned. More people, fewer words? Maybe. Or maybe I’ll just do a novel or a collection of short stories. I still have 10 days to decide.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2016
Wow, someone looked for me? I’m amazed, even if it’s not a Stacey. It was a fellow Proseboxer in England. Not sure what her real name is, but when I changed accounts I totally forgot her username (this opinion of mine) and then I saw her on the front page the other day. I friended and followed her and explained my disappearance. Then I was sure to block her from my MO account.

She said she was sad when I disappeared and that she tried to find me.

It’s a shame that Aly won’t also miss me enough to be sad enough to look for me, not that I would be hard to find. But hey, I’m totally refusing to allow myself to feel an ounce of sympathy for her. She made her own misery.

Her saying that I was too confusing for her… what a joke! How does she think I felt when she was kind to my face and then I caught her saying such horrible things about me in an account she never thought I’d find? That was confusing.

Yesterday she tweeted: When I know a friend is going through a hard time, I’ll make the time to check in with them. Wish I had someone who’d do that for me.

But she did have someone who did that for her only she chose to throw her away because that friend felt that honesty was the best policy and she warned her against those who were phony and self-centered.

An hour later she tweeted: Really feel like giving up on everything right now. I keep reaching out to people hoping for a friend but all I get is silence.

Hard to feel sorry for someone who keeps reaching out to virtual strangers or virtual nutjobs who lack empathy. In that case, she kind of deserves the silence she gets. She has been playing the same old game for years now, and like I said, I’ve lost the desire to try to work things out with someone you just can’t reason with. It isn’t just her clinginess and guilt trips that were the problem, as I said before, it’s the lies, too. So yeah, Alison, if you ever read online this I hope this clears up your “confusion.” Think about it the next time you unfairly and wrongly blame me for your depression. You’re like Molly… born to be miserable no matter what. You two deserve each other. Two honest-to-God true peas in a pod.

I totally give myself permission to give up on those who have given up on me. If you don’t give a shit about me, I don’t give a shit about you.

Later…

I hate it when my health prevents me from living life. For the first time in a while, I am horribly lightheaded. I really wanted to enjoy a nice walk this morning but I just didn’t feel comfortable going out there myself, even though I highly doubt I would’ve passed out or anything. As always, I can never know for sure what’s causing it; only speculate.

Since walking is out of the question today, maybe I’ll at least have the energy to work on the Bowflex. It doesn’t feel like I’m just lightheaded when I get lightheaded but fatigued as well. It’s like all I want to do is just lie around yet I really want to get on with my usual routine.

I’m almost finished with my story and I have a potential idea for November’s NaNoWriMo if I can just get the energy to finish this book and put the new idea together. It’s actually a little different. It’s not really a novel. Instead, I thought it would be cool to write about the people who have had the most impact, or at least somewhat of an impression on me, excluding family. In order to win you have to write 50,000 words. I’ve lived in 5 states and was thinking of maybe picking 10 people per state. So I was thinking 5 states, 50 people, 1000 words each.

The fucking park is going to turn our water off AGAIN tomorrow from 8am – 2pm. This time I called and blasted them out but got what I expected… that when the pipes break they have to fix it.

“Did you guys ever think of maybe lowering the space rent as often as this happens or compensating the residents somehow?” I asked.

Of course not. Instead, they turn our water off every month, force loud music on us even if they don’t do it often, drive some of us crazy with the daily landscaping sounds, allow motorcycles to spoil the peace even more… and to hell with what we have to say about it.

Since we’re not in a position to move right now with all the debt we’re in, we’re thinking of getting a little reservoir that goes in the bathroom that would allow us to flush the toilets when the water’s off. This is something that’s obviously never going to stop, especially since, as Virginia said, it’s been going on since 1988. So if they can’t fix the problem in over three decades, they never will.

We still have a shitload of dirt in our hot water tank to get rid of too, plus we need to put a filter on the place if I ever want to take a bath again and feel like I’m not in a lake or the ocean.

This weekend I also want to scale back from Sierra to El Capitan. This OS is too buggy. It’s just that Tom never has the time to do these things with me, and understandably, is exhausted on weekends with all the hours he works.

Later…

Ugh. So now there are two motorcycles living on this circle alone. “Coincidently” they live at a couple of the houses that recently sold. There are currently four houses for sale on this circle. Let me guess… they’ll just “happen” to be bought by motorcycle lovers, right? Right?

This ugly orange one that lives on the other side of the circle went out and then came back a half-hour later. For a while, I’ve been hearing one idling. At least I think that’s what I’m hearing. I figured the warm spell we’re having would bring the fuckers out. What I didn’t count on was there being so damn many in a retirement community. So much traffic, so much activity, so much noise… all where older people live… WTF? I just never would have guessed it, but it’s still better than the mainstream. I would be hearing nonstop barking and God knows how many screaming kids if I were there now. I dread the day Bob and Virginia die. Really worry we’ll get the worst over there if we’re still here, and I still worry about Jon getting a motorcycle, too.

That thing is still idling. It’s been about an hour now. Would someone really leave a motorcycle idling that long? Maybe that’s not what I’ve been hearing. I’d like it to stop now, whatever it is. I’ve really come to hate just about any and all sounds in this world. It could be an ATV or a golf cart. While it made me feel a bit better to bitch to the office about the motorcycles when I bitched about the water, I realized that the park is going to do whatever they’re going to do regardless. If 80% of the residents called and bitched about it, they still won’t re-ban the fucking things. Just damn whoever allowed them in. Damn them to hell and back! I mean come on, they had to have known that every 10-15 households would have them. That’s about 50 of them in this park and that doesn’t include those that visit on them!

So Cassie… she’s the one that was sad when I disappeared and that was looking for me. If I’ve got my facts straight she’s in her late 20s and she lives in London. Right now I consider her my closest cyber friend. She knows what happened with Aly, and while no one can ever replace her (at least the good traits that she had) it’s nice to know she cares more than I thought she did, and we even connected on Twitter which I made public. I figured what the hell, even though I’m sure the spammers will be quick to follow me. I just won’t follow them back. That way they can’t message me with their bullshit.

I don’t know if Cassie is all that smart and mature, but she seems to be a decent, honest person. I will just enjoy our friendship while it lasts. The only real negative I can say about her is that as she herself admitted, she’s insensitive when it comes to those who have tried to commit suicide. I don’t know her overly well, but we’ve exchanged comments on and off for quite a while now.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2016
I’ve wondered if Aly could possibly have her Twitter account connected to a tracker of some kind. If she’s tracked my visits or if she still reading my blog, I should get a sense of it by what she tweets and how often since I discovered her latest Twitter account. Already she’s deleted a tweet about being miserable and hasn’t tweeted anything today.

Strangely enough, my heart started pounding after going to the bathroom yesterday. I felt absolutely no anxiety, though, and I went through the tapping routine Stacey taught me and it slowed down in just a few minutes. I didn’t have my Fitbit on at the time, but by the time I buckled it on my HR was down to 112. I also felt a bit nauseous and out of breath, but whatever it was passed quickly.

My new glasses arrived and I love them. I would still prefer not to need them at all or to have the guts to poke my eyeballs with contacts so I only needed reading glasses, but they’re very comfortable. One is purple and the other is red with white arms that have a red floral design on them. The purple ones look best on me. Those are my mid-range reading glasses. The only thing I would change is that I would make those my bifocals that I wear outdoors because they look better on me. It’s no big deal, though. I have no problem with the bifocal lines and they transitioned nicely to the sun when I was out walking for a half-hour earlier.

Love the wipes they enclosed for them with nature scenes. One has a wooded scene with birch trees and the other has a lily pond.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2016
In odd years we get a major purchase and in even years we go on vacation. It rained all day yesterday – sometimes hard – and we decided to just take the day off to do absolutely nothing. So mixed in with Netflix, audiobooks and too much food, we decided to get some rough ideas on where we may go for our next vacation in 15 months or so.

We looked at flights to Tahiti, Fiji and Jamaica. Given that we’re in the western part of the US, these would be very long flights. Having so much travel time the last time, we decided we might just stay in our own state and drop down to San Diego. It will only take an hour and a half to fly down to Los Angeles, then about an hour to San Diego. It’s tropical and there would be plenty of activities that we would both enjoy.

I wouldn’t be adding another country to my list but I would be adding another major city because I’ve never been there before. It would be so much less flying time and money that it’s very appealing. That is unless they lay him off and screw up all our plans big time.

It was funny because he had a spreadsheet open on one of his monitors and I asked him what a “Bof A” was. He said that since it didn’t cost anything to get a Bank of America card, he got one so that if we were ever in a position where we can’t pay our bills, they’re the ones that get stuck with our debt after the way they fucked him over in Arizona.

I have been to most of the major cities in California except for San Diego and San Francisco. Despite the fact that part of the book I’m writing now takes place in San Francisco, the only thing about the place that would interest me would be touring Alcatraz. The climate is otherwise not what I prefer and I would hate all the hills.

There’s only a 25% chance of rain today, which means it probably won’t rain which means it will almost certainly be noisy. The landscapers are going to be eagerly after the leaves and twigs scattered about from yesterday’s rainstorms.

A part of me wishes it rained regularly because of how quiet it is when it does. You still hear loud cars and trucks at times, but you don’t hear motorcycles or landscaping or other outdoor activities. I know that if it did rain all the time, however, it would quickly get depressing. I can see a daily burst of rain in a warm climate, but when it’s cold, gray and rainy it can get old pretty fast. It wasn’t that cold, though, just chilly.

I would totally love to be pleasantly surprised with a call from Stacey, but I would be willing to bet just about anything that I’m going to be the one to make the first move (as usual, though as is also kinda reasonable in this case) come Valentine’s Day unless my schedule doesn’t permit it. Sometime in mid-February is when I’ll call, but I’m definitely going to aim for Valentine’s Day.

If she surprised me first, I wonder if she would do it from home on the weekend or from work. I’m guessing she would do it from work where she had privacy unless she knew her husband would be gone all day.

They’ve postponed Oktoberfest until November 6. Oktoberfest in November? I’m sure nothing up there will have me be blessed enough to be asleep during that time since they’re determined to force it on us no matter what. We can at least get the hell out that day.

After 10 years my passport will expire next month. Next weekend I’ll be going to get my picture taken.

Right now I’m waiting for Joe to deliver my new glasses and hoping that they’re not a waste of money. I think my figurine is coming today too, of a dark-haired girl in a red bikini.

As expected, there’s quite a landscaping frenzy going on around here today between both Bob and the park workers.

Later…

I’m a naughty girl today. Yes, I had a moment’s weakness where I gave into my hobby of info diving and found “Evil Aly,” Aly’s latest Twitter account. I found it through a friend of hers. The friend she told she had changed accounts because she was still having “problems” with a former friend. You know, those “problems” where I stupidly hoped we could actually work things out and said only kind things to her?

Bull fucking shit. Really just bull fucking shit. She makes it sound like I forced her to change accounts. She said she did this to “avoid” me, but why couldn’t she just block me and go private? I didn’t make her change accounts, but that’s just Aly for you… always blaming others for her actions.

Then came the challenge that made me wonder if she actually likes not only mindfucking people, but cat and mouse games. This was when she tweeted: Deleted my other account. Go ahead and find me, J. The way you act vs the nice things you occasionally say… You’re too confusing for me.

So you change accounts because you’re supposedly “confused?” You can’t just ignore, block or go private?

Well, Aly may be smart but I definitely want nothing to do with her because she’s just too fucked up. Just like it’s pointless to get with an abusive person simply because they may be good-looking, there’s no point in associating with someone this messed up. I respect myself enough to stay away from her. And her twisted friends.

She’s just as confusing as she says she’s confused. Why ask me to resend what I wrote for her just to run and hide? She did the same thing last time after playing dead Wi-Fi.

I may look in on her tweets just for laughs, but she doesn’t have to worry about playing the dead Wi-Fi game or running and hiding like the coward that she is because I have no intentions of ever contacting her again. I’m surprised it took me as long as it did to realize just how screwed up she really is.

But I won’t do it this time. I won’t. I won’t contact her and attempt to clear up any confusion she may have by letting her know how I feel (which I admit were conflicting emotions in the past), so she can cry dead Wi-Fi, promise to respond to tweets and messages as soon as she can, and then change accounts.

Seriously… Aly, Andy, Maliheh, Nane… if you ever decide you miss me in a year from now or 5 years or 10 years or 20 years, I won’t be there for you. I don’t care if you read my journal, but you’ll never have a friend in me again.

Her tweets are full of the usual things… Health issues, emotional issues, guilt trips on others who aren’t there the instant she wants them, etc. Did she ever think that maybe they’re avoiding her? Like maybe they don’t want to get caught up in her drama? Yet according to Aly, if no one is available the instant she snaps her fingers, then they’re horrible friends who must not give a shit. It couldn’t be that they may actually have more to do than just babysit her and hold her hand. This clinginess and these guilt trips, along with the lies, are why I almost dumped her before she beat me to it. I was getting so damn fed up with the constant lies, drama and demands. Enough was never enough for her. She would tell me she preferred honesty in one breath, but in the next, she was getting all offended whenever I would be honest with her. She was simply never a true friend.

I’m not saying she doesn’t have clinical depression. She does. And while we all need a good support system, we can’t depend on people 24/7 either.

I no longer feel sorry for Aly P. She made her own bed and she’s plenty welcome to lie in it right along with her sick, twisted, delusional phony friends who couldn’t tell the truth if you paid them. If she can forgive someone who told her she hoped her cancer would kill her, but she can’t forgive someone who was honest with her about her “friend’s” ill intentions, then she deserves people like Kim and Molly in her life.

The only other reference she made to me was telling Kim that she didn’t want to discuss something in particular in case I was “spying,” if one can actually “spy” on a public account. I’m a little confused as to why she would care what I think of anything she has to say, but like I said, she’s just as confusing as she is confused.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2016
So this guy handcuffs this girl to their bed for kinky sex when an intruder breaks in. He then frantically tries to hurry up and free her so they can fight back or at least get away. During this dream in which I awoke with my heart pounding for a minute or two, I wasn’t sure if I was a silent observer in the dream or if somebody was telling me this story.

Then I had a couple more dreams in which I am both glad and not so glad that I haven’t had much in the way of dream premonitions over the last few years.

In the first dream, I was writing to tell Alyssa that I would be having heart surgery on January 7. She actually surprised me with a reply to the message but that was only because she felt bad for me. I replied to her reply and that was it as far as that dream went.

The last dream was great. I got a message from Stacey. Although I don’t remember hearing her voice much less what she said, I knew the message was from her. The only part of the dream I remember vividly was walking by wherever I had my phone lying around and noticing the blinking light of the message indicator.

I don’t hold out much hope of it being a sign of anything. Not after my win dreams failed to produce any wins, and not having any nightmares pertaining to Tammy when she had her heart attack.

The weather’s been wet and in the 60s, but in a couple of days, it will be dry and in the 70s.

I’m doing what I usually do on weekends… overeating, watching Netflix, listening to audiobooks, and changing the rats’ cage. It’s been a nice relaxing weekend so far. :-)

I got some beauty goodies at Walmart yesterday. Heat protectant spray for the hair that you spray on before straightening it. This is a straightening formula that supposedly keeps it smooth for three days.

I also got this dry shampoo that you spray on because I’m curious to see what it’s like for when my hair starts to get a little greasy but doesn’t need to be washed that instant. Or maybe when I roll out of bed at the last minute and don’t have time to wash my hair before I go out for appointments or something like that.

I also got facial oil-removing wipes that almost feel like a cross between vinyl and rubber. They’re actually tissue-thin. I’ve had these before. They provide a good way to remove excess oil when you don’t have time to wash your face. Having a dry face leads to flaky skin and wrinkles, but having it too oily can lead to zits.

Starbucks cinnamon K-cups are wonderful. Even though cinnamon is just so-so in itself, I always found it to go great with coffee. Caramel is my favorite flavor and the whole world yet cinnamon coffee is better than the Caramel Drizzle I tried, which didn’t even taste like caramel.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2016
So I did all that writing about how antisocial I gotta be to keep safe – and I do – but then I realized it’d be pretty simple to share my wordy goodies without the drama. All I have to do is use Black Onyx. First I blocked Rachel and the old lady since they read my FO Peyton account. Then I simply disabled comments on the entries. Now I can have fun watching those who watch me without the drama. Might not get many readers, though (unless I write some seriously controversial shit) since I won’t be socializing. That’s ok, though.

Last night I dreamed we were moving to Mexico to save money.

Joe was also delivering mail in the house again instead of to our box.

Going to Walmart this morning.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2016
What happened to Charlotte? She just disappeared into thin air. Usually, if someone deletes their account the name associated with past comments exchanged with them says “deleted user.” Also, if someone blocks us we can still search their name and pull up their account; we just can’t access it. After so many years it’s hard to believe she would suddenly disappear. We always got along well too, so it’s strange.

I asked in today’s entry if anyone knew anything, and while I got tons of views, only one person said they hate it when someone they’ve been reading for a while suddenly disappears, and that she hopes she’s okay.

Went on a nice walk with Tom this morning who is now at work, and had fun playing with Burke and Dumbo, especially Burke because he’s the friendliest and the most playful. The others prefer to play with each other, but Burke likes to include me in some of their games and will run over to give me his version of a hug and kiss every now and then to remind me he loves me. As usual, they all ignore poor Tom, haha.

Simon rarely comes out and we don’t think he’s very healthy. He’s not dying or anything like that, but it’s like he doesn’t have much energy. He’s not very playful. He spends most of his time either eating or sleeping.

We’re supposed to get a big storm today, even if our definition of “big storm” is a bit laughable compared to some places.

First I was laughing at how the rain this weekend would cancel Oktoberfest, but instead, they’re just going to postpone it. sighs with frustration So they’re determined to force it on those of us who would rather not be invited to this event anyway. They will hear from me anonymously about it. I know it won’t change anything but I feel like I have to do something. If I never say a word about the things that get to me in life, I’ll only end up exploding.

Last night I dreamed that we had somewhat of a backyard wherever it was we were living. There was a body of water that was green and you couldn’t see through it at all. I’m not sure if it was a pool or a natural body of water.

Then there was what looked like this large shiny silver hubcap that I decided to move somewhere else within the yard.

Later…

Did a little more digging and found that Charlotte blocked me after all. I was just unable to pull up her account at first because I was spelling her username wrong, duh. Either way, I’m not hurt or angry but I am curious, so I asked her from my other account what her reasons were and promised I would accept them and not contact her again. I actually sent it from “Black Onyx’s” account, saying that my friend copied and pasted the message for me.

She is yet another reminder that any friendship can end at any time, and no friendship is sacred. Meanwhile, I’ve switched to members-only and now I write on Prosebox just for the old lady in Texas and Rachel in Florida… Until we dump each other, of course.

Later…

So Charlotte blocked Black Onyx. Yeah, I’m not surprised. She did me a favor actually because her entries were always so damn long. Yet I felt obligated to at least skim them so I could comment because she would do the same for me.

While I don’t regret some of the cyber friendships I’ve had, and I’ve certainly had some interesting moments, I have become more private and have really withdrawn into my own little shell to protect my ass. Fewer people = fewer headaches. It’s always safer not to be sociable. It may be boring this way at times, but it’s definitely safer. I will admit that sometimes I miss certain people and even playing with the trolls despite that kind of “fun” being negative, immature and toxic. It really did put more stress on me than anything else after all, and while I may not regret the time I had with Aly or Nane, I definitely regret the crazies like Kim and Molly. I’m not sure if I can say I regret Maliheh, but I think at this point I definitely regret reuniting with Andy in 2010. He just caused me so much grief and frustration.

The good thing is that if any of these people were to come to me asking to be a part of my life again, I now know that I have the strength to say “no” without hesitation. I probably wouldn’t even do that much but would simply ignore them instead. Regardless of the fact that most people are very unforgiving, that is definitely the best policy for me personally. Forgiving people and giving friendships another chance almost always backfires on me. I could kick myself for a lot of the shit I’ve forgiven, especially since the people I forgave would never forgive me or anybody else for the same things. Just getting involved with people in the first place isn’t a good idea.

I don’t think I could say “no” to Stacey, though, should she ever surprise me with wanting to get together. That much I still want if it’s in my cards, though I’m pretty sure it’s not. Even though I was surprised when I realized that this prominent psychologist liked me as well, I’m 90-something percent sure of what will happen… I’ll call her on Valentine’s Day if my schedule permits (or close to that time), and we’ll chat but will never see each other again.

I gotta wonder though… was Charlotte karma for my thoughts? When Aly dumped me I almost dumped my current friends with Charlotte and Rachel being top of the list just to keep this very thing from happening to me again. Then again, I’d rather be dumped than stalked relentlessly. But still… if you don’t have friends then you can’t be dumped or given a reason to dump them. Also, if you’re not sociable, you can’t get trolls latching onto you so easily.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2016
Not liking some of the things Sierra’s changed. :(

I took a lorazepam before bed and slept better and I feel better today, too. So is that it? Where lack of sleep used to leave me tired, now it leaves me dizzy and anxious, too.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2016
Neither of us is having a great day so far. His teeth ache and he’s almost certainly infected and in need of antibiotics. He knows he can get them if he needs them, but what he really needs to do is get his damn teeth taken care of. All of them. He can’t keep treating part of the problem forever. But unfortunately, he has a phobia of dentists just like I do with medication. To him, having to see one makes him feel much like I would feel if I had to have eye surgery.

He took some ibuprofen to work with him but I still worry about him. Also, I slept really shitty and didn’t even get six hours of sleep. I woke up every hour. Every time I woke up and considered taking lorazepam, I drifted back off to sleep, so I never did take any.

Today I’m not only tired but I’m also lightheaded and feeling a little anxious. No earaches, though. It still sucks because I had been feeling so well. Hopefully, I’ll get better sleep next time around and I’ll feel better tomorrow. Fortunately, I’m blessed with working at home, so I can take breaks if I need to. I’d say it’s unlikely I’m going to work on my story today.

I also have that pain in my lower left gut that I suspect could be a little cyst on my ovary. This seems to be something I get about two weeks before my period.

I started getting worried about Tammy because I noticed she hadn’t been online much and she wasn’t responding to my emails or messages. I don’t expect her to respond to every single one, but she usually responds to some of them.

I called both her cell and landline and got no answer. Norma hadn’t heard from her either and so she tried to call as well. She managed to get a hold of her and then she told me that Tammy would call me, and she did. It turns out that she did get evacuated, after all, so she, Mark and their dog went to stay with the girls and their cat. The girls live in an apartment building that’s built to hurricane standards. LOL, it was probably a bit chaotic, though fun. Wish I could’ve been there.

One of the best things she told me was that she quit smoking over a month ago! Finally! I’m so proud of her. Sure enough, and as I warned her would be the case, she’s gained weight. Better to have the extra weight and be able to breathe, though. I quit smoking 19 years ago at 110 pounds and shot to 125 pretty fast.

Mark is back at his old job, which is good. They were happy to have him back too, and the guy that caused him trouble before is on his way out.

She sounded great but is still weak because she still has fibromyalgia. We talked about a few other odds and ends… our loved ones, our pets, etc.

They had a quick power outage where Tom works yesterday, but nothing here.

We’re in for another warm day today, which might be why I slept so shitty yesterday, so I had him open the bedroom vent again to sleep more comfortably. It’s going to be a little warm tomorrow too, then the forecast is calling for a surprising four days of rain. That would be wonderful if it rained on the 16th because that’s when they’re having the Oktoberfest, and if the band plans to play outdoors, I would think rain would ruin those plans and prevent me from having to listen to the thumping of bass for four hours. I couldn’t get that lucky, though, but we’ll see. Just maybe I will.

Still have to chase off that woodpecker at times, so I guess we’re stuck with it permanently as long as we live here.

I updated my computer’s operating system from El Capitan to Sierra, and the first bug I found was with highlighting issues. You have to highlight text quickly otherwise it won’t work. I guess that’s all that’s really wrong that I know of so far.

I love my new necklace and new cold-shoulder shirt, but I’m not sure of the color. It’s a great fit, but baby pink is a bit pale against my equally pale skin. More contrast would have been nicer.

A year or two before my parents died they sent me tons of clothes. Most of them were very nice, stylish, and came at a time when I could really use them. But now that they’re getting old and we’ve got money, it’s nice to replace some of them. Not all of them but some of them; with styles and colors of my own choosing. There are many great fashions on Amazon and surprisingly cheap, too.

Last night I dreamed that Joe the mailman delivered mail to one of the bedrooms instead of to the mailbox. The house almost looked like it really does too, which is unusual for me when it comes to dreams of where I/we live. I was studying a broken monitor in the guest room, which seemed to be used for storage only. He plopped the mail down on a table or desk, then stepped out into the hallway. I followed him out, but instead of him going down the hallway to the front door, he waited just outside the door in the opposite direction and then followed me to the door. He swatted me on the ass along the way.

Then Tom and I were on the road, and the radio in the car could be operated by voice commands.

Then there was something about Tom having to eat blueberries and raisins (boogers) at a doctor’s office.

In the last dream, I was toe dancing, even though I’ve never been on pointe in real life and never wanted to be. First I was on both toes and showing off to Tom. Then I was twirling on one toe, but it wasn’t really my toe. It was more like the top outer side of my foot.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2016
I didn’t watch the presidential debate, but it’s sad how instead of these debates being about issues that really matter - healthcare, taxes, education, etc. - it’s now about attacking personal character.

Again, it’s all going to come down to what matters most to people… gender or politically correct. I think a lot more people are pro-black than anti-women, so I’m still going with Hillary. We’ll make history either way with either the first woman or the first obvious gay. I mean, come on, it’s beyond obvious if just half the rumors are true about Trump. Sorry, but no one hates women that much without being gay. No one. That’s like refusing to eat liver while claiming it’s still your “cup of tea.”

I have no problem with a gay guy running the country, but when you hate your own sexuality so much and are so uncomfortable and insecure with yourself that you openly hate women and other gays, I got a problem with that. However, I totally get his stance on Muslims and blacks. I’m just as fed up with their violence and demands for extra privileges as he is.

I like that I haven’t found Aly’s current Twitter account. I think that not looking in on her helps me to move on and get over her shit. I may never have a close friend but being free of Aly means I’m also free of Kim and Molly and whatever other nutjobs she may be into these days.

If there was ever a time I wished I checked into Facebook more often it was now. I just discovered that Sarah was in the hospital for a shoulder injury. I admit I’ve been avoiding Facebook because it not only never held that much for me to begin with but also, all the political talk was driving me crazy. It’s nothing but politics, racism, and people I’d really rather not be reminded of. Therefore, I stopped checking my entire feed figuring it would only be the same old shit. I’ve even unfollowed some of my friends, but still consider them people that I care about. It could be a question of visibility issues as well. Sometimes the things we post don’t appear to others even if we have them set to.

Anyway, she’s young and strong so hopefully she’ll be on the mend soon enough.

I hope everything’s okay with Tammy. I’ve been hearing less and less from her these days, but I understand that people do get busy and they do have off-line lives. Maybe she’s sick of Facebook for the same reasons I am. Since the surgery has helped her and she’s been recovering, she’s probably busy catching up on things she hasn’t been able to do for a long time. I’m sure we’ll check in with each other soon enough.

I have been doing great physically and emotionally with the exception of earaches almost every day within my fake canal. Since it’s been a problem since 2004, I don’t hold out much hope of it ever being resolved.

My new boots fit great, although they really make my feet and legs hot and are about an inch too tall (because I have short legs). Rather than coming to just below the knees, they come to the middle of my knees.

The boot socks I ordered arrive today, which will hopefully make them a little more comfortable so that my legs don’t feel like they’re baking. The boots are a pleasant shade of brown which just about any color will go with. I’ve got a necklace and cut-shoulder shirt arriving today as well in baby pink.

Tom said he’s sure it doesn’t have anything to do with him, but that he’s got to work 10-hour shifts this week because that’s what everybody else is working. So he believes in coincidences? I’m not sure I do, as yes, there are people out there who will spite a whole group of people just to target one person. Then again, he knows these people better than I do. I wasn’t there, so I couldn’t see their expression or hear their tone.

The new air cleaner is definitely more powerful and does a better job against rat odors. It was worth the $100. Volume-wise it’s about the same as the other one. Since I like to enjoy the peacefulness of nighttime, it’s powerful enough that I can leave it on medium instead of high, which you can barely hear. During the daytime when it’s sometimes noisy, I prefer to play nature sounds or something like that to drown out background noise. With four rats, the old air cleaner wasn’t cutting it even on high, which also made it hard for me to hear my very soft-spoken husband.

Valentine’s Day is when I decided I’d contact Stacey. For the last two months, I’ve been trying to decide when would be the best time to call her, assuming I’m right in guessing she doesn’t beat me to it, and yesterday I decided that would be a good day to contact her and “be her valentine,” so to speak. I just think the idea of contacting her on that day is kind of funny. Unless I either needed to see her at her office or she calls me first, I knew I wanted to wait six months to a year.

Palma showed up in my dreams last night for the first time in a long time. I wonder what that bitch is up to these days? :) I miss her at times.

In my dreams I casually wandered down a street, heading away from wherever she was. Eventually, I realized I was a half-hour away even if I walked back at a brisk pace. So I turned and hurried back even though I returned in just a minute.

She was talking to some guy who then came up behind me and pressed the front of his body against my backside. I could feel his facial stubble against my cheek and pretended not to notice, LOL.

Palma then went downstairs, but it was a split-level, so I could still see her. I said I was going to go to the bathroom when the guy who pressed himself against me said I couldn’t go until I learned to pronounce the name of my new medication, whatever that was. He said the name of it and I said it would be impossible for me to learn how to pronounce it anytime soon.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2016
This month’s Amazon order: A Y-shaped ring necklace, a pink cut-shoulder shirt, boot socks, and a figurine of a brunette in a red bikini.

Also getting a more powerful air cleaner to put by the rats. It’s a 22” tower cleaner that targets bacteria and odors in ways old-fashioned air cleaners don’t.

Tom’s decided he’s had enough with the unfair OT at work and is definitely going to put his foot down. He’s a kind, easygoing guy and they’ve taken advantage of him. It’s as simple as that. They tell everyone else no more OT, but he has to work 10 and 11-hour shifts. Well, fuck that. He’s only doing what OT the others are doing. Next week they plan on 9-hour days, so that’s what he’ll do and not a minute more. If they fire him, tough shit. They haven’t given him shit for bonuses, and while he may make good money, many people make more than him without ever doing a second of OT.

Nothing against sweet Stacey, but she gets to sit in a chair and gab with people all day to the tune of at least 74K a year, from what my research says psychologists usually make, without doing any OT. Meanwhile, he barely has time to eat, piss and sleep for less than that. Seriously, they give the guy an income fit for the early millennium, then they make him spend so much time working that he ends up sleeping half the weekend away. He said he doesn’t mind doing an occasional Saturday, but no more killer shifts while everyone else gets to go home.

He can be the one to give ultimatums this time and tell them to go fuck themselves if they fire him, but seriously, this time the asses of those involved are mine, and I told him so. We walked away from everyone that screwed us in Arizona, but not here! Even so, I would still be a bit worried. Despite all the fucking foreigners, most companies are American-owned which means that he wouldn’t be able to get as much time off per year, so getting me to appointments might be an issue, and of course the pay might not be as much, since the pay here doesn’t always match the cost-of-living, and people like to cheat the guy. Young people with no experience often make more than he does. For this state, especially being older, his hourly pay should be in the 20s and not the teens. $17 is better than $10, but come on.

This is where I start to wonder if there’s something up there determined to make sure that he’s not paid fairly. We hope he’s never fired or laid off until he either retires or leaves willingly, but you know how it is for us; one long-term change/problem after another. Now that my health/emotions have been stabilized it would be just our shit luck to be set back by something like a forced job change. Do I think we’ll lose this place? Hmm… we could, but naw. Too noisy. If it was quiet and the house was newer, sure. If there’s one curse I definitely believe in, it’s the noise curse. This may not be like the NHA or Phoenix, but it’s noisy enough during the weekdays and sometimes weekends as well.

And then another thought hit me as far-fetched as it may be. What if something up there is setting the stage to get me away from Stacey by presenting us with a ticket out-of-state sooner than planned? There’s no guarantee we ever would have met even if I stayed here for the rest of my life, but there was never any question of her liking me in that way. So what if things just “happen” to come up to make sure nothing happens, even if it were just a friendship? Much like it did with Johnson when Misha was thrown in my cell. It happens all the time and I’ve said it before… all the good people or eye candy disappear or circumstances arise to make me disappear. Jane the waitress disappeared in Oregon. So did Liz the cashier. Then Randy changes routes. It can’t be a coincidence.

On the other hand, a long-distance move before he retires would not be smart at all. Even if we could get enough money from the house, we would probably be stuck in an apartment for over a year while he scrambled to find a job in Florida where the pay wasn’t that great. Then he would have to hope to stay at the job for a year in order to qualify for a home. No way. Just no fucking way. I won’t do apartments ever again, even if they were for older people. Older people can still blast music and TV and they can still have unruly company, too.

So I think a long-distance move would be too risky. Again, poverty may not scare me like it used to, but I’m not going to be stupid about it either.

Later…

Saw Alyssa’s wedding pics. Well, the two on the cover photo and profile pic. The others are no doubt private. She looked like a movie star with the most gorgeous smile I’ve ever seen. Hubby is just eh. Her gown wasn’t as fancy as I expected it to be, but the multi-tiered gown was fancy enough. The bridesmaids were dressed in a lovely shade of deep violet. The whole extravaganza no doubt costs much more than most people make in a year. Still don’t get where a doctor finds the time to plan and carry out such events.

Now… how many years will it take for them to get bored with each other sexually? Will they ruin/strain the relationship with kids? Honestly, Alyssa probably adores kids but seems like your typical modern career woman, so I’d guess no to the last question.

Has Stacey discussed me, too? I realized that if I could discuss her with others, she could very well discuss me with others as well. Somehow I can’t picture one of those people being her husband. I think that if she’s discussed me with others it’s in a private journal or a close friend, not that she strikes me as the kind to keep a journal. I’d say a GF or one of her sisters.

What was their response to me? I wonder. Could it be something like, “Stay away. It’s unethical no matter how much time has passed. You’re married. She’s married. Something’s wrong with you if you ever seek her out.”

Or is it more along the lines of, “Go for it. Just take it slow. Get a sense of where she’s really coming from first. Make sure she wouldn’t mention you to the wrong people. Be smart but enjoy yourself. Nothing wrong with it if it’s mutual and you both understand that friends or not, you’ll always consider your husbands #1.”

So Ben & Jerry’s Ice Cream has decided to back BLM. What a shame. I think it’s sad when people support hate groups that believe only their lives matter… even when they aim loaded weapons at the police. Seriously, WTF is wrong with this world? If a white man twirls a gun at a cop and gets shot, he has it coming. If a black man does the same thing and gets shot, it’s discrimination. WTF?

I’ll stick with Häagen-Dazs.

Did some Bowflex exercises and went walking with him earlier. I gotta switch to an inner route and stay away from the perimeters. I’m just so sick of dogs outside of the park startling/annoying me with their barking. So many people are so mean to both their neighbors and their dogs by not allowing them indoors if they don’t have to. I honestly think that’s why not as many people as I expected to in the park have dogs. They just don’t want to bring them indoors. This is one of the things I hate most about western living.

I’ve been unable to remember many of my dreams lately other than quick flashes of senseless whatever. All I remember was something about showering and knowing I would be on the road all day the next day. I didn’t want to get the floor wet, but water kept leaking outside of the shower.

Then I dreamed of carrying something heavy in a bag down the street. The bag started to tear and Tom said he’d give me a ride.

Tom and I were discussing how we both need less sleep these days. I now sleep 6-8 hours. I rarely do 9-10 anymore. In the past when I used to be really tired, it was common for me to sleep 11-12 hours the next day. I can’t remember the last time I slept that long.

No matter how little or how much sleep I need, though, since I get to bed a little later each day, I’m still not going to be able to keep a schedule.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2016
Had my first racing heart wake me up in quite a while. It happened just an hour into my sleep. Fitbit clocked my HR as 118, but I wasn’t scared and it dropped in just a few minutes. I got up to pee (was dreaming about rats and Stacey), took a lorazepam and fell back asleep.

I was glad to learn that my family in Florida escaped Hurricane Matthew’s wrath. A part of me wished I was there. Storms are fun even if they can get a little bit scary at times. I just don’t care for them when they knock the power out or go waking me up. The storms where I live, however, are pretty wimpy and scarce.

We went on an evening walk earlier and both of us are looking forward to the weekend.

We’re having another warm spell, but then it’s to cool down and rain again.

Not doing much tonight. Just Netflix and listening to my audiobook.

It’s a little sad that he works his ass off so many hours a week yet we still need new floors, a matching dryer, a new stove, and a new kitchen set. This doesn’t include any outdoor projects.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2016
Tom didn’t even get to meet the main boss today. He just saw his Ferrari SUV.

After depriving myself of this and that just to lose 2 pounds that came right back, it was nice to indulge in the goodies he picked up on the way home from work. Roasted chicken wings, fried chicken legs, mac & cheese, a Milky Way bar, Muddy Buddies, and later… popcorn.

Last night I dreamed I was walking around with my T-shirt on inside out, and then somebody stupidly let their baby who could barely walk stand on the edge of a table in a restaurant. A part of me hoped it would fall off and teach the parents a lesson in stupidity.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2016
After I last wrote I ate quite a bit and felt better both physically and emotionally. I even skied for a half-hour while watching my show. Been feeling okay so far today too, but I really wish I could stop this up-and-down shit.

What sucks is that I had to reschedule my ear appointment, not that she could necessarily ever help me, from the 11th to the 3rd of next month.

Anyway, my book is going well and is almost at 45K words.

They changed some things at work and he’s continuing to have a lot of OT, which is both good and bad. It’s mad money but it’s no life. He barely has time to eat and sleep, though we did go on a quick evening walk together.

Tomorrow the main boss is going to be taking a tour of where he works. The guy moved from Europe. He’s a very wealthy guy. He bought a house in the area for $2 million and he paid in cash.

As sick as I am of hearing about it, it will be interesting to see who wins the next presidential race. If being politically correct is more important, Hillary will win. If gender is more important, then Trump will win since most people favor males. I think more people like blacks and don’t like to hear anything negative about them than there are people who favor men, and therefore I’m guessing Hillary will win. Based on what people’s standards seem to be these days I think more people are going to be against someone they believe to be racist, even if they themselves may be sexist. People are just more tolerant of sexists than racists for some reason. You can condemn and pick on a woman, but God help you if you bash a black, even if it’s a known criminal. Sure there are some that agree with me on the subject of blacks, but I’d say that most don’t. So Hillary will probably win, and if she doesn’t, Trump should have a good chance of someone trying to take him out. I knew no one would try to assassinate Obama, though. Again… black love. It’s been the “in” thing since the ‘90s.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2016
No point in oiling my ear or taking ibuprofen. These things no longer help the pain. I pinched my nose and blew till it popped like the doctor in Oregon had me do and then it made a soft popping sound on its own a few times around. It’s never done that before. I usually have to move my jaw a certain way to get that popping, crackling sound. But it would make a little pop and then I’d feel “movement” of either air or fluid in what I’m guessing was my inner ear. This happened a few times before I oiled it. I wondered if I’d have panicked if I hadn’t been EMDRd.

Either way, I still don’t buy the damaged nerve theory because of how long after surgery it became a problem. That may be some of it, but I really think the problem somehow lies within my eardrum, inner tube or both. If the outside could change as it has over the years, then isn’t it safe to say the inside has as well? The question is how much worse will it continue to get over the years to come?

I also wonder if the fatigue and lightheadedness are more connected to my ear than I realized. Questions, questions, questions, but never any answers! What good are these specialists then? I’m frustrated and it’s making me depressed.

Same with my female issues. Sometimes I feel crampy, like my period’s starting. Only it doesn’t start. I’ll just have a spot here and there and that’s it. Again I wonder… perimenopause or a problem?

Really prefer problems that aren’t physical or emotional if I’ve got to have any problems at all.

It’s nights like this I kind of wish I had a friend like Aly, but I suppose I’m better off not having that if they’re only going to dump me or cause me to dump them somewhere down the road. It’s tough… do you take the good times while they last, or do you avoid the drama in the end by not bothering with people in the first place?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2016
Our little service junkies are already at it this week. Two vehicles are over there slamming doors now despite the rain. Knew they would be. Obviously, they have time to kill and money to burn.

It’s cloudy and chilly out, but ideal for walking.

Joe gave me the mail.

Should’ve gotten my dress in L instead of XL, but I can still wear it.

Wood chews came for the rats, plus another poop pan. We went from ugly to uglier with those… from navy to gray.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2016
We had our first rain today. It was nice and it kept things quieter around here, the motorcycles in particular. Despite the rain, Tom managed to trim some trees on the property line.

Since I’m going Helen Keller we downsized me to an old 24” monitor. I’m going to miss the giant 32” monitor, but it’s too big to see from a distance and too big to pull closer to me. My 13” laptop is a bit too small, though. The only problem is that it’s too high for me, so we’re going to print a new stand on the 3D printer to lower it so I don’t have to tip my head back in order to see out of the lower part of my bifocals.

Since I’ve wanted to learn a language that uses a different lettering system, I enrolled in Duolingo’s Russian course yesterday. Whoa! I’m glad I’m not sleeping now with the boom of thunder I just heard. Anyway, some of the letters are like ours and some make the same sounds. Others make simple sounds, but what you see isn’t what you get, as is sometimes the case with German. Then there are sounds that are tougher to pronounce. I’ve noticed so far in just the few lessons I’ve taken that many words sound similar to English while they look different written out.

I think I can learn it, though I’m not going to take the language all that seriously. I think that just learning the basics would be enough for me. That way I can have a basic idea of what’s being said if I stumble across anything in Russian, but I have no desire to learn it well. Right now the only languages I want to get as good as I can in are Spanish, Italian and German. Just a general idea of Portuguese, French, Dutch, Esperanto and Russian is sufficient enough.

It was a toss-up between Russian and Greek. I chose Russian because it’s more common than Greek.

A popular scam is going around where people will hack servers for people’s contact info and make it look like their friends are asking them for money or to buy whatever. Norma let me know that she got several spam emails appearing to be from me. I changed passwords on Facebook and a couple of email accounts as well.

Watched the latest Amanda Knox documentary and didn’t really learn anything new. I always thought she was as innocent as Casey Anthony is guilty. Italian laws are more screwed up than the US, though I’m sure part of the reason she got screwed is that she’s American and female. Based on what forensics they did have, it’s obvious that the black guy from the Ivory Coast did it. Is Italy like the US in that they’d rather pin shit on the white guy so that the black guy (guilty or not) doesn’t go crying racism, an accusation most judges prefer not to have to deal with?

Went to cash some checks at Raley’s and then to the dollar store. It’s fun to browse around there every now and then. I got some incense (the stuff is awful), lipstick and candy.

Just stopped to go over my eyeglass prescription. I already miss my big monitor AND my desk space. I have one of those deep corner desks, and having to pull the smaller monitor closer to me means I lose a lot of desk space behind it. Gonna order a pair of mid-range single visions and a pair of standard bifocal transitions. I thought round bifocals were standard, but apparently, they’re not. Transitions also can’t be put in round ones, and I’m very sensitive to light, so those are a must.

Aly deleted or changed her Twit handle. Gee, what a surprise, huh? Fucking lying coward. Again, on with my life… without her.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2016
It was 69° in here when I got up, so I turned the heat on to take the chill out. How I wish we could go to Maui and not come back till April! Or Florida.

Went to Walmart to pick up our glasses, and never again will we use them! They put the wrong prescription on the left side of Tom’s glasses and he had to return them, and while mine are adequate, I see fine through the upper part of the left side, but the upper part of the right side is a touch blurry.

Also, you don’t realize just how much transition lenses help keep things from being too bright outdoors till you no longer have them. They just weren’t an option in round bifocals, but at least now I’m not “swimming.” I hated the dizzying effects of progressives and having to look through a precise spot within the lenses just to see a particular object. Gonna use the old progressives/transitions for outdoors only.

I was going to put Cappy in a smaller cage but then realized that that would be ridiculous when half a dozen rats could easily occupy each of the two floors of the big cage. Being the bully that he is, Cappy’s upstairs while the other 3 are downstairs. This way, if anyone’s toes or tails get nipped at through the rungs of the ramp that’s hooked to the underside of the upper level to separate the levels, it’ll be the bully’s. Been there almost 24 hours, though, and all is fine. They go nose to nose and sniff at each other through the bars, but that’s it. I’m amazed at how badly Simon wants to beat his ass since he’s the shyest of the rats.

We signed up for a rat bedding subscription to be delivered monthly. I also grabbed some other things they’ll need with the new setup… hammocks and wood chews.

The Twenties were only back 3 days when they started up with the service obsession. This time it was a few hours of door slamming from an AC/heat company truck. What will I be in for next week?

Aly’s still playing the “no Wi-Fi” game since tweeting to her. Convenient, huh? I deactivated that account for good. New month, new me. That new me includes never again contacting the phony liar.

Had a dream that Dr. A was inspecting the ridges in my nails.