September 2016 in 2010s

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2016
They said our glasses should be ready today, so hopefully we can pick them up tomorrow because I still can’t stand progressives and I can’t get used to them either.

I have been feeling much better lately. No earaches or heartburn. Minimal fatigue and lightheadedness too, though these two symptoms are a bit more noticeable today.

This could be the last summery day I get to enjoy. The temperature is about to drop like a rock and this weekend we might even get our first rain in many months.

This weekend we’re going to make a point of not doing much because he really needs to catch up on his sleep. This should be the last week of the intense OT. So besides grocery shopping, a little bit of yard work, and changing the rats’ cage, not much else will be going on.

He cracked me up earlier. I have a necklace holder that’s a round disk with hooks that sit on a pole. With empty space in the middle, I placed a doll there that’s dressed a bit suggestively. He joked about her being a “pole dancer.” It was so funny because while the guy is the smartest person I’ve ever met and the most honest and responsible, he’s always been on the quiet side and with a dry sense of humor much like Stacey is. I guess I’m just attracted to that type. :-) Calm, intelligent, real, mature, tolerant, dependable, drug and alcohol-free.

So his jokes are even more special because he doesn’t always make them in the way that I do, and oh, how I miss Stacey so much even though it hasn’t even been two months. Just like Tom, she’s pretty much my opposite, but that’s what I like about her. There’s enough common ground to relate to, but enough differences to keep things interesting and balance each other out.

I’m just kind of surprised. Tom is really the only one with these qualities that I’ve ever attracted. An individual like me just doesn’t expect a prominent psychologist to like her. Especially one that treated me. I still believe – or at least I hope – that she is somehow in my future. A part-time friendship would be just fine with me.

I haven’t been updating every day like I used to due to being very busy and not really having much to update. Sometimes I think I have more dreams to update than real life, LOL.

I don’t know why I would be seeing Doc O, but last night I dreamed that I went to see her and she was friendlier than I’d ever known her to be in real life. I also don’t know why I was sitting on the exam table and asking her about some “white residue” on the soles of my feet, but dreams are just weird like that.

She started off by asking how I was. I said I was almost there, but was curious about what was on my feet. Then she told me she loves reading my blog.

Then the spider nightmare just had to wake me up. Tom and I spotted a spider that was huge and it had a tail too, that zigzagged around its body.

Then I dreamed that I was in the Twenties’ house, only it was square instead of rectangular, and there were bedrooms on three corners of the house.

Jon was in the kitchen while I was standing in his living room. His laptop was open and I could see a romantic Valentine’s card he posted to his wife’s Facebook wall. I felt a split-second tinge of jealousy, knowing that I would never receive such a card from Tom via email. He was calling her Samantha, though, instead of Carolyn.

She suddenly appeared and they were both talking about going shopping and acting as if I wasn’t there. Just as they were about to leave without seeing me out first, I said, “I’ll turn the light off.” I then followed them out of the house.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2016
Last night I dreamed Andy died of some infection. Lucky for him I haven’t been very psychic lately, though it could still mean he’s in for some shit of some kind. Just nothing deadly.

I also dreamed about Tom and I hanging out in this huge truck. It was like a semi. He moved a couch toward the middle of it and I thought that was a good place for it because it would “balance” the truck better there.

Aly is still claiming that her Wi-Fi is out. Like I said, I had my suspicions the first time around when I contacted her and she went quiet for several days, but now she’s rather obvious after contacting her a second time. That’s okay. Two can play this game. I tweeted on the account I contacted her from about being really busy and that it may take me a while to get back to anybody who’s looking for me there.

She tweeted twice yesterday by saying that it was day 2 with no Wi-Fi. Yet she was able to tweet that and how she’ll get to tweets and messages as soon as she can?

I have been blessed with two good days so far… no earaches, and just mild dizziness and fatigue.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2016
Although being on days is noisier, I definitely feel better emotionally when on days. Today’s been amazing, but sadly I know these days are scarce. I’ve had NO earaches, just mild dizzies and a little fatigue.

Aly tweeted that she cried herself to sleep yesterday and that her Wi-Fi was out. Coincidently or not, this happens after a moment of weakness where I shared my empathy with her on her depression. So maybe I was wrong about the karma thing? Either way, while I know I shouldn’t give a damn about her any more than I give a damn about a grain of dirt, I couldn’t help but feel bad for her. Anxiety may be worse, but depression is plenty bad enough.

Then she goes and tweets something that makes absolutely no sense, and also says that she’ll get to tweets and DM’s later. Then I start to wonder if she’s mindfucking me. Pretty sure she’s keeping in touch more often with Kim on other sites anyway, so I just wonder if she’s using the Wi-Fi as an excuse to make me wait and I wonder if she’s going to reply or not, but I know she isn’t going to. Damn. Six months after getting dumped and I still think of her, look in on her, and contact her. It’s getting less often, but really, why can I just file her away in the past like I need to?

Tom decided he missed us having an “allowance,” so we’re each going to spend $25 if we want to every time we order bedding for the rats. That’s every other week or so, but it may be longer because we plan to downsize Cappy. The wooly bastard doesn’t need such a big cage. He’s going in a smaller cage that we got in Oregon.

Anyway, when we order I am going to get a pair of knee-high brown boots. I have short black boots, so this will add a little variety. Plus I’m going to get a long-sleeved dress. Dresses in the winter haven’t been very practical for me because I only have sandals and sneakers. My purple sparkly shoes don’t go with everything, and the inner soles are fucked up anyway. I picked out a simple cotton dress in Wineberry.

Today I received my snake necklace and it’s beautiful. I also love how they gave me an extra gold choker chain.

I got batteries to light up and make my fish swim in the lamp aquarium, too. It’s not overly realistic, but it’s nice. I’m sure it’ll be better at night, though.

The Twenties returned yesterday, and no one’s been next door all morning.

I wish it were November already so we could get on with the elections. So sick of hearing about Trump and Hillary everywhere I go! It’s almost as if most people have forgotten that there’s more to life than just politics.

Tammy emailed me to let me know she’s recovering and doing better, so that was good to know.

Chatted with Joe the mailman. When it came up that I once lived in Arizona he asked if I knew if there was anything going on down there right now that makes it hard for people to breathe.

Not that I know of, I told him.

He said his nephew visited from Colorado and went home coughing up blood. He then went to the emergency room and they had to admit him because he had a really bad case of pneumonia.

Well, I don’t know if there’s a connection or not but I do know that when Andy visited a few years ago he had breathing issues. I had problems with tightness when I lived there, even long after I quit smoking and stopped wheezing.

And yet another house is up for sale here. It’s about three houses down, heading toward the freeway.

I have been on a major writing frenzy on top of all the other things I do, so I have definitely been keeping busy. In two days I’ve written 5000 words! Story’s about 35K words now.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2016
Just finished some cleaning and next, I will get focused on my story. I didn’t work on it over the weekend.

Quick health update. No earaches today or yesterday, but I have been dizzy. Really can’t say for sure if the dizziness is connected to my ear or not. The only other annoyances – anything is better than anxiety – is heartburn and I’ve had occasional lung tightness. I think the lungs are mostly due to the fact that we have too many rats right now. I really shouldn’t have any more than two at a time.

I was thinking about how all my life no one’s been made to pay for wronging me and how karma seems to forget them. Based on most of Alison’s tweets, I’d say she’s a classic example of how the karma rule doesn’t apply to you if it’s me you screw over, be it in a big way or a small way. I know she’s had some pretty shitty days, but I’d say that for the most part, she’s doing great lately. Really wonder if the leukemia was made up, Along with the FBI, but I’ll probably never know for sure.

I get her claims of me being overly critical, but even though she does seem happy (unless it’s just a show for me and she’s deliberately hiding her misery), I don’t see how I was responsible for bringing her down like she said I did. If I brought her down then it was with my honesty and this goes to prove once again that she only likes an honest person when they tell her what they want to hear.

My main blog received a direct hit from Napa Valley, which is between here and San Francisco. I know that I can have a local viewer as far down as Salinas, assuming it’s not a proxy because Tom showed up as being there when he checked me out one time from work. Knowing this, it always makes me wonder if it’s somebody I know. The closer the viewer, the more I wonder. Wonder if Stacey will ever get curious enough to check out my blog. I’m careful what I say in it, especially about her.

I also wonder about the Corpus Christi view I just got, also a direct hit, near a state living center. Molly? I still can’t believe she would either be kept offline this long or lose interest in me. She would have to finally lose interest in Aly in order to lose interest in me, and that seems unlikely. She should know that we’re no longer friends, and therefore I may no longer be of interest or her. She only followed me to see what I might say about Alison.

Back to the main point… God would bless someone who dumped me and hurt me emotionally with good fortune if there is one.

The Twenties haven’t returned yet, but I guess that when you’re retired, you don’t need to stick to a schedule. Alexa’s blasting one of my playlists and I STILL hear Bob’s blower. :(

Found Stacey’s kid, Noah, on Twitter. As suspected, the kid’s in his late teens – early 20s. Makes sense that she had him later in life with all the moving and studying she did. Can’t figure out if she’s from Maryland or Texas, but am pretty sure this isn’t her native state.

Anyway, the kid’s a cross between dumbfuck and asshole just based on the two tweets I saw of his that were posted in 2012. He’s dumb enough to leave his cell number and name his high school, then brags about being bored as fuck in the computer lab and trolling other kids with his “brother,” which I realized isn’t a relative. I thought only blacks called each other brother/homie, but apparently not. He was looking for people to hang with, and “later mofos.”

So typical high school immaturity.

Can’t get my fucking earbuds to work. If I knew they’d be hit or miss to use I never would’ve bothered. I’ll have to drown Bob’s blower out with the sound machine instead. I can’t believe how fucking long it takes him to do his tiny little lot. Is it fun or something?

Last night I dreamed of attending a Valleyhead reunion, nothing I’d ever go cross-country for. I’d attend only if it were local and I could meet with those that were there when I was there.

I saw Becky there and a girl called Jojo. I wasn’t close to Jojo as I was with Becky, but we all chatted happily. Someone asked about the weather here and was surprised when I told them we can go 4-5 months without rain.

I’m now charging the earbuds. Hopefully, that’s all they need.

So I wonder who’s going to be president, Trump or Hillary. My first thought is Hillary because most people adore blacks and Trump hates blacks. In fact, he hates everybody. I have nothing against gays and women, but this guy hates them as well as blacks and Muslims. Because of this hatred, I lean towards Hillary. However, I’m just as quick to guess it will be Trump because of the way our society favors males.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2016
Going to the store soon. Yesterday my ear ached like crazy and I was dizzy. Dizzy today too, but no ear pain yet. I oiled it today and yesterday and took a Benadryl before bed yesterday. Not sure if the dizzies are connected to my ear or not, but I still think I’m having more issues with the inner ear tube draining fluid. Whenever I feel drainage in the back of my throat, it feels better.

Dizzy, fatigued, in pain… I’m just sick of this shit! At least I don’t feel my erratic periods. I had a couple of days of spotting, a couple of days of a heavier flow, then nothing yesterday. Today I’ve spotted, though.

So how long has my dentist been following me on Pinterest? Is it even her? Well, her profile pic doesn’t look anything like her, but maybe it’s her daughter. Some of the boards seem like things I would think she’d be interested in, but some don’t. There’s nothing Hawaiian-related and she loves Hawaii as much as I do.

I don’t know her middle name, but when I checked, I did find someone with her name in Folsom. There’s also someone with her name but no middle initial here in Citrus Heights.

Got a kiddy Sonicare toothbrush and it’s the best electric one I’ve had as of yet. It’s great for small hands and sits in a charger. This way I don’t have to keep changing batteries. I love the way it beeps every 30 seconds, signaling that it’s time to move to the next quadrant. After two minutes it turns itself off.

Later…

Went to Walgreens and Walmart. At Walgreens, I got this really cool “fish aquarium” I can’t use yet. That’s because I didn’t know it took six C batteries, and we only have one. It’s supposed to look like live fish swimming in a mini aquarium.

I also got 4 new wax fragrances… Indigo Nights, Midnight Garden, Sea Grass, and Day’s End.

At Walmart, I got a small bottle of White Diamonds perfume and smaller-size boy short undies. Yeah, I don’t know why my booty’s shrunk, but 6-7 seems to fit it best these days.

Before shopping, we stopped for gas and went through a car wash. The car really needed it, too. The car sits still as the brushes move over it and you’d swear you were the one moving at times.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2016
Oh, yes, yes, yes, YES!!! When I was out on a late-night walk I saw that the house on the opposite corner was up for sale. This is awesome! This is the one where the contractor would sometimes saw and hammer shit in his garage ALL day long. I recently saw a huge U-Haul over there and was hoping it meant they were moving, but I had my doubts because they seemed too young for downsizing or nursing homes.

I never did complain on them, as close as I was to doing so because I knew it wouldn’t do me any good. It’s all considered daytime noise, and while you can’t leave dogs outdoors round the clock here, there are no special rules about noise here any more than there is elsewhere. However, my guess is that they got complained on for the daily racket they used to make and that I actually haven’t heard in many months by the house next to them. No matter where you live, that’s got to be a bit much for just about anyone to listen to as often as it used to go on. So I suspect that the house with the kids started to move because they were fed up with it so close to their place, complained, got them to shut up, decided to stay here, but then the contractor decided it was time to return to the mainstream where noise like that is more tolerated. Hopefully, whoever moves in there won’t use the garage for the same reasons. That’s a BIG house, too. I’m guessing three or four bedrooms.

That’s the good news. The bad news (besides the fact that the earaches, dizzies and heartburn are back) is that there are signs all over the park for Oktoberfest and the live band they plan to have. First time I’ve seen signs around the park for an event. If that live band isn’t indoors you bet I’m going to complain on that one for sure! We came here to escape other people’s music (among other things), not to have to listen to the thumping of base in here for several hours, regardless of how seldom it may be. I don’t make others listen to my music and their music shouldn’t be forced on me either. I think that by allowing this shit it only helps pave the way for loud car stereos to end up in here like crazy. It isn’t that they currently have any rules banning them, but I think that allowing live bands would only encourage people to blast car stereos more often.

Just took my daily ibuprofen as my ear is at its worst ever. I also had an earache which called for them when I got up to pee. Really think I might need my head x-rayed or something. I hate to add yet more appointments to the calendar, but this is ridiculous. Really don’t think this is just damaged nerves. It wouldn’t have taken a decade to affect me if that was the case. Something ain’t kosher.

Walked for 18 minutes and felt fine afterward.

Had a couple of Aly dreams. In one of them, I convinced her to take me to work with her, hoping we could patch things up this way, but hanging out with her at work really meant waiting for her in her car, LOL.

She waved to a couple of people who were outside their homes along the way, and I thought wow, she really knows a lot of people around here.

Then it hit me that we were on opposite schedules and it was to be too hot to be sitting in a car all day. I begged her to turn around and take me back, apologizing profusely for not thinking ahead.

Sure enough, she was pissed and she did a screeching U-turn to bring me back.

Then in another dream, we were happily hugging each other, glad to have made up and decided to be friends again. I was practically in tears of joy, but you know what? She threw me away like yesterday’s trash in reality and I’m not “trash” that can be recycled. Not if I’m smart I won’t be. Even if we were suddenly friends again, I couldn’t trust her or believe everything she told me. I would also just worry that she was going to dump me again. So if I’m smart I’ll ignore any contact from her, but I honestly don’t expect to ever hear from her. She’s pretty determined and set in her mind to keep me out of her life.

I also had a dream about rearranging around 20 bottles of nail polish of all different colors and being by a swimming pool on a cruise ship.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2016
Getting the fucking fatigues and dizzies now. If it ain’t peri, it’s gotta be my ear. I gotta take Ibuprofen nearly every day now. I stopped oiling it daily cuz it wasn’t doing me any good. It might’ve helped a little, but not much. Will start oiling again in October to make it easier for the ENT.

Yesterday I had ok energy but felt oddly out of breath, dizzy and even a bit nauseous after going out walking with Tom.

Still wishing I could know if Tom’s right in thinking I really will hear from Stacey someday if I don’t contact her first. But when? I just wish I knew what she had planned when. If I knew this, then I could better decide on what I should do. If I knew she’d contact me after it’s been 6 months to a year, I’d just sit back and wait patiently. If not, I could plan to contact her sometime next year.

Do I think I’d hear from her if I didn’t contact her? My guess is no. Like with Johnson, there was never any doubt or question in the end as to whether or not she liked me. That became obvious. But look how wrong I was to believe I really would hear from Johnson eventually. Ok, so Stacey’s not Johnson, but still… I gotta go by past experience.

Had a weird dream involving Nane. I was flying on a plane to Germany and I told whoever was sitting next to me that it was my third trip there. Then we were there and riding on a bus or something like that. It was getting dark out.

“Is this Munich?” I started to ask. Then we passed by a couple of lighted windows and I somehow knew that it was Nane’s apartment because I recognized it from pictures. In real life, she lives on the fourth floor and I’ve never seen pictures other than via satellite.

I spotted Nane in her “pond” in her large living room. She was swimming in it.

A split second later I was in her building. Her apartment door was open and I was in a large room across the hall, which also had its door open. She floated just under the surface of the water and then she appeared from the shoulders up and wrung her hair out with her hands. I called out to her and she quickly looked in my direction. I don’t know if she knew who I was, and she never said anything in response when I told her to get in touch with me either. She just continued to eye me warily yet curiously.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2016
Cut out my diet, caffeine-free soda to see if it would lessen my heartburn. Not sure if it has or not, but I was wrong in saying I don’t miss the stuff. After eating I wanted to go to Niagara Falls, turn it into soda, and just stand under it with my mouth open, guzzling it by the gallons.

Last night I felt a bit overwhelmed, but not to the point where I broke down in tears. Except for the wisdom and maturity we acquire with age, aging really does suck. Earaches, obesity, heartburn, fatigue, lightheadedness, shitty vision, anxiety, ingrown/fungal nails, joint stiffness, perimenopause, high cholesterol, Hashimoto’s…

For the longest time, I’ve hated people in general. I still do for the most part. I think that most people are phony, out to serve themselves, and not very intelligent. I know I’m not perfect myself and that we all tend to be a little selfish in some ways. Even if we don’t realize it, I think we all want to benefit in some way from our relationships, whether they’re intimate or not. Of course I would rather be friends with Stacey than my neighbor. Stacey and I have shared an awful lot about each other in just the eight sessions we had together and we formed a bit of a bond in the end. So naturally, I would want to be friends with someone I felt more connected to, relaxed with, and who really understood me.

Lately, I find myself wishing that I was around more people more often, but just like you can’t force love, you can’t force friendships either. At least I never could. Anyone I’ve ever come to care about, whether I was attracted to them or not, was totally unplanned and accidental.

As Tom and I were discussing last night and as I totally agree, I have become way more critical and less tolerant with age. I totally admit it. Fortunately, I’m usually good at recognizing my faults. I’m just not always as good at changing them.

When I was younger I put up with a lot more shit from people that I would never put up with now. I’d never be friends with the likes of Kevin “Nervous” or Fran. But to me, friendships were sacred and worth doing whatever you had to do to hang onto them. The older me feels that while all relationships of any kind may need some work, if you have to work that hard, then you’re probably with the wrong person. Again, intimate or not, too many disagreements and compromises usually equal a bad match.

The question is where do you draw the line? Yes, I need to be less critical and more accepting, but unless it’s something really big and really obvious, there seems to be a fine line between what most would consider being intolerant versus what most would consider being too tolerant.

I realize that this is a subjective matter. We all have different definitions of what healthy relationships are versus toxic relationships. Hell, many people consider getting their asses beat as “healthy,” but lay one finger on me and you’re dead and then I’ll dump you. So some things would be obvious as far as where to draw the line, but others I’m not so sure about.

Alison decided to draw the line with my criticism, which in my mind was being totally upfront and honest, something I thought people wanted in a friendship.

Paula decided to draw the line when I tried to explain to her why staying here for two weeks would be a bit long for everybody, thinking what I was really saying was that I didn’t want to see her at all.

Maliheh dumped me after she was confident that I wouldn’t use her name in a story.

Andy said he was “just being honest,” when I let him know I’d had enough of his judgmental, arrogant ways and his “cloning.” Meaning that he automatically assumed I felt/thought the same way he did about almost everything.

I have cut ties with many people over the years and they have cut ties with me as well. In both cases, I’m sure that many unbiased people who could look at the situation objectively would say that sometimes I deserved to be dumped and other times I truly didn’t. But was I wrong to dump Nane for being a hypocrite or should I just have “tolerated” it and told myself that that was simply how she was? Well, maybe if she were a coworker I had to see almost every day, a little more tolerance would have been in order. But for a woman in Germany that I never met and never would meet, was hanging onto her really worth it?

So again, just where do I draw the line? Some things are obvious and other things I’m just not sure. I suppose the smart thing to do would be not to ask myself what I thought most others would do in a certain situation, and just go with my own gut instinct.

As horrible and as unfair as jail was, and as miserable as I felt both physically and emotionally, I did like the structure, routine, and meeting different people, even if a lot of them were fucked up and I felt smothered most of the time. Even the most social of people need space and privacy every now and then. Well, you’ll almost never get this in jail. I think what I liked best about meeting so many different people (particularly the DOs) were all the story ideas they inspired. Someone like my mother would have said, “What was the point? You didn’t gain anything from your stupid stories.”

No, I didn’t. They had no monetary value whatsoever. But I did gain the enjoyment of writing them. I was raised to believe most things should be done for profit, and while I love money the same as the next gal, sometimes I just like to have fun. Like Tom even said, money isn’t everything.

Will I ever again be around people regularly? Probably not. I don’t intend to ever go back to jail and I can’t see myself ever living in a nursing home, so unless one of the Staceys of the world surprises me (and there would be fewer Staceys if I could just get healthier, less anxious, and not need to see so many doctors), I doubt I’ll ever be that sociable. But as I also told Tom, that in itself has some good in it. Everything has its pros and cons. I guess it’s just a matter of what set of pros and cons you prefer, not that everyone has a choice. Tom has no choice but to associate with his coworkers because he has to have a job and he has to work.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2016
Last night I took a walk in the very warm evening air, and tonight I think I’ll just focus on the Bowflex. Funny how one can look like shit yet fantastic for their age. Either way, this shit-great body is in good shape.

The Twenties will be back from vacation soon. Vacations always seem to go too fast when it’s your neighbors that are vacationing. I just know the projects will start back up as soon as they return. If not, someone else will be sure to do something.

Started having spotting, but like Tom and I both agree, I was probably just having a good estrogen day the day of testing. I still say my symptoms really smack of perimenopause. But maybe normal isn’t normal for me just like with my thyroid numbers. Their normal thyroid reference range flips me from hypo to hyper and I have to remain borderline to have my own personal “normal.” So maybe normal estrogen is peri for me and maybe my estrogen numbers weren’t normal before I started having peri symptoms.

In last night’s dream, I decided for some reason that I wanted a guinea pig. Since getting into rats I haven’t missed having them for pets or any other breed of rodent. Other rodents just don’t have that doglike behavior and intelligence. But it was the beginning of summer and I really wanted one all of a sudden. Tom insisted that we wait until the end of summer and I didn’t understand why since we had plenty of money.

Then we were browsing through a pet store. Next to a rabbit family were several cages side-by-side and each one had a dead bird in it. It seemed strange to me that the employees hadn’t removed them and that none of the customers complained either.

Then I was in a gift shop inspecting horse and ballerina figurines and decided to buy one of the ballerinas.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2016
Went on a quick walk with Tom around the circle twice and have been short of breath ever since. Hope that, along with the sharp chest cramps I get every now and then after exercise, isn’t related to my heart, but that’s why I have a stress test scheduled. I still think my pump and pipes are fine if I had to guess. Maybe it’s just a little Sunday night anxiety.

Tapping and chicken wings to the rescue!

Later…

Three entries and I’m still not sure if that diary is Aly’s or not. There are a few things that have me doubting it, especially a wedding she attended for a guy named Aaron. Maybe she did attend someone’s wedding. I just would’ve thought she would’ve tweeted it. So I’m getting doubtful.

I haven’t blogged publicly for a couple of days because I really haven’t had anything to update. I’ve actually been getting more enjoyment out of my voice blog than my text blog lately. I guess I can mention some sleep stuff and dreams, though.

Last night I slept ok, but shitty as hell the day before. I was SO fatigued. I even felt a bit lightheaded, too. At this point, I don’t give a shit if he can’t fix the circadian rhythm problem. Yes, it makes life a bit of a bitch, but right now all I really want to do is sleep a lot better than I have been. Sleeping well once or twice a week just isn’t enough. I’m walking around like a zombie more than half the time and it’s affecting the quality of my life.

Started reading the sleep pamphlet the doctor gave me, and while most of it I already knew and is pretty obvious, there are a few interesting tips and pointers it mentions.

I knew common sources of caffeine were found in coffee, chocolate, energy drinks, etc., but it also says that common pain relievers have caffeine as well.

Exercise should end six hours before sleep, and electronic devices should be turned off a half hour before bed.

Naps should be avoided, especially after three p.m., and if you’re unable to fall asleep within 20 minutes, you should get up and try a quiet activity until you feel tired.

My heartburn has improved since I stopped drinking soda and started eating less.

I had two dreams involving Stacey. In one dream I was chatting with her in her office, and in another, I was hanging out with her. She said something about me hanging out with her for the weekend or me choosing to hang out with her for the weekend.

I don’t think I would ever hang out with anyone for an entire weekend, LOL. Too many other things I like to do, weekend or not.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2016
Spotted a new account that kinda reeks of Aly on Prosebox. It’s written Aly-style and says things she would say like giving up keeping an online diary for a while because it’s hard to invest in something like that without the drama. Also, she won’t expect certain responses but won’t get upset when she doesn’t get them either. She needs “freedom” in her diary, too.

That last statement is the only thing that makes me wonder if it’s really her. Certainly, she’s smart enough to know that if you want true “freedom” then you have to go private or stay offline. Nobody has the “freedom” to express themselves in public without offending someone somewhere, even if it’s with the most innocent of topics. So to expect “freedom” in a public diary is naïve.

I also can’t believe she’d call her diary just “Diary,” but we’ll see. There you can follow people without them knowing it, so I followed her and we’ll see what happens. If it’s her she won’t stick it out for long. I should probably just play it safe and block her, but now I’m curious. If it’s her, she’ll be smart enough to figure out who “Peyton” really is if she finds me, and she’ll tell Kim, and then they can go back to playing their blocking game. I don’t want to give them that privilege if I can help it.

Then again, with my luck, they never planned to return after I changed accounts to know they could no longer block an account that no longer exists. Had I kept my old account, they’d still be there.

Slept horribly last night, and without lorazepam. The doctor did say that sometimes things like that can make a problem worse, and I have no immediate appointments, so there’s no need to take it. Really thought I’d sleep longer. Instead, I fell asleep later than yesterday, woke up 6-7 times, and got up at the same time as yesterday. I slept roughly 6 hours and got up once to pee, and woke up warm a couple of times. I don’t know why I woke up the other times.

Despite being super fatigued, I was unable to nap. So I’m doing things in spurts as I get bursts of energy.

Some of my Fitbit info is a crock. It always tells me it took me 0 minutes to fall asleep when it’s usually 30-60, and it tried to tell me I only woke up once last night. I don’t think I’ve woken up just once in years.

At this point, if he can’t get me on a schedule, fine. I just want to sleep! I want to be awake. I want to do things and to live my life without feeling so damn out of it.

The only good thing is that yesterday I noticed my boobs weren’t so damn sore anymore. Right now I feel faint traces of phantom cramps, as I call them.

So I guess I’ve had heart failure without the failure, and hot flashes without the perimenopause. Seriously, though, my symptoms really do smack of perimenopause. Tom and I both agree I probably really do have perimenopause and that I just had a good estrogen level on the day of testing. The symptoms are just too obvious, just like it was obvious that the levothyroxine was making me anxious. So Doc C didn’t believe I was thyrotoxic and Doc A doesn’t think I’m a perigirl.

Doc C is now married, and let me guess… her sex life is just perfect, right? She just seems to be one of those who has it all, even though logic tells me no one’s life is ever perfect. But just how “hard” or unique are her so-called hardships? Was she ever poor? Was she ever afraid to drive? Could she ever not keep a schedule? Was she ever forced into celibacy for long periods of time due to attracting the wrong people and not getting enough interest from the right people? Did she ever spend any of her teens as a ward of the state?

Perfect or near-perfect life or not, love can last, but passion dies over time. They’re not going to lust for each other the way they do now in another decade or two.

I’ve had more orgasms with this little pink vibrator than I’ve had in a year, which is nice, but a little sad. It’s a little sad that developing an even bigger crush on Stacey’s sister has increased my libido (till that fizzles and fades), but even if I were with someone I was hot for, I suppose there’d be no guarantee they’d be available when the hornies struck. But yeah, even though Lisa’s pic isn’t that great, she seems better looking than her older sister and has been a great muse for The Wrong Sister.

Last night I dreamed of visiting Andy in prison. He was in on child pornography charges. Then I walked with him to a part of what I guess was the prison where music was playing really loud. I turned a round wooden dial on the wall and lowered the volume.

I also changed the rats’ cage in a dream and used these gross sticky lettuce leaves to line the cage while the rats “vibrated” in a steel basket nearby. I laughed at the way it rattled.

Then Kate Jackson was in a dream. Not sure what that one was about. It seemed she was finally ready to divulge something to me that I had been curious about and that she’d been holding back on.

Lastly, I was asleep in the bedroom I had in the house I spent my first 12 years in. I woke up to the sound of loud music playing in the bathroom. I got up to investigate and found no one in it and so I turned the radio off that was sitting atop the counter before it could wake the others up. The other 3 bedroom doors were shut and I knew my parents and siblings were asleep behind them, even though I was my present age.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2016
Wow, 110 followers on Pinterest now, huh? Well, I do have something like 11.2K pins.

Fitbit thinks my resting HR is just 76 cuz I’ve only been wearing it to bed, LOL. While I’m THRILLED to be anxiety-free, I still think it’s more like 85-90, probably 90.

I’ve been doing great both physically and emotionally. I don’t know how long it will last, but I sure as hell am enjoying it while it does. Still don’t sleep all that great, and I still wonder if the sleep disorder specialist can help me, but once upon a time I doubted Stacey could help with my anxiety yet she did. Where my other counselor failed, Stacey was my miracle. Damn, do I miss her, too!

Everything but my sleep has been better. I’m not as lightheaded and I don’t have as many earaches. We may never know why I was lightheaded, but what’s most important is that it stopped. Hopefully, it won’t return either. The only way I could get lightheaded is if I go too long without eating.

My doctor said that (along with too high of a dose of levothyroxine) it’s a medical disorder that causes my anxiety. That means I can go for months without incident and then it could get me anytime. Usually, though, something has to be going on to trigger it or it’s physiological, so I’m really hoping my peace will last a lot longer this time. There were a few instances where I could have gone into a panic, but I think Stacey’s EMDR has helped to prevent that.

I know I’m back to normal when I don’t mind being alone so long when Tom works long hours, but that’s to be cutting back either way.

We both had our eye exams by the same doctor who saw us last year and everything took forever. This was at Walmart. We were there for over two hours, and OMG! I am really seriously beginning to wonder when they’re going to have laws in effect to crack down on screaming brats just like with blasting car stereos. It was horrible! Even closed up in the exam room you could still hear ear-piercing screams. It is just ridiculous how parents allow their kids to act like such animals. Later on out in the area where they take care of your prescriptions, and then at McDonald’s, I could barely hear a thing anyone said to me because there were screaming brats all around me.

Also seeing a disturbing number of Muslims lately. That’s a little unnerving with their known attitude and thirst for violence.

She said my close-up vision is a little worse, but my long-distance vision isn’t that much worse. I’m still officially farsighted whereas Tom is nearsighted. My OH is up a bit at 28. That’s what the air puffer said it was. She then put those numbing drops in my eyes and measured the pressure with a blue light that she said measures more accurately. Our old doc in Auburn did that. At that point, my left eye was lower than last year, but my right eye was up. This could have been because I was nervous about her touching my eyeballs with objects. It only took a second, though, to get the measurements. She said she’s not super worried at the moment and that I don’t need drops.

Tom was given drops, though, for his “crying” eye. His left eye waters pretty much all the time and they don’t know why. These drops may stop that. He still has a small cataract in one eye, but it hasn’t worsened. Grow up in the desert and you’re more likely to get cataracts. Good to know I grew up a Masshole then. And that I proofread this, or else it’d read: Throw up in the desert and you’re more likely to get cataracts.

They replaced one of Tom’s broken nose pads and tightened the glasses I’m currently wearing. Just two weeks or less left with these God-awful progressives, and then it’s back to my bubble bifocals and purple Candies. They don’t look nearly as good as my shiny $400 designer frames, but the older I get the more I care about comfort as opposed to appearance. I wouldn’t be a size 12 if I didn’t.

I could have bought new frames, but I would rather wait and have our insurance pay for them like they do every two years. I have just the perfect pair of children’s frames picked out for next year. I prefer glasses where the nose pads are part of the frame, and these frames not only have that, but they have colors I like, including shiny gemstones on the sides.

The only negative to going back to the round bifocals is that I lose the transitions. You can only have that with progressives or lines. The lines would probably be annoying even with an antiglare coating, which I am getting. Bubble bifocals have more of a smooth transition. The only other negative to them is that I lose mid-range vision. They’re all or nothing, and yes, it is a pain in the ass to be stuck in the middle where something is too close for the long-range and too far for the close-range. That’s not nearly as annoying, however, as the “swimming” effects of the progressives. I also hate having to look through a very specific spot in the progressives to see whatever. Shift my eyes and it’s all blurry. Screw that!

Left the dream notebook in the bathroom there. No local blog views, though, that I know of.

I now have something like 3.5 weeks off from appointments, and I’m gonna enjoy every second of it!

It was hot, dry and gorgeous out, but it’s supposed to cool off soon.

Tom needs to get a new regulator for the passenger car window because it keeps slipping down. Either the hook or the cable is broken. Despite being in a gated retirement community, having nothing valuable in the glove compartment, and how things are harder to steal from this kind of car, I didn’t like the idea of someone being able to reach inside an expensive luxury car, so he turned it around so that that window was not visible from the road.

As I told Tammy, it’s a good thing I haven’t been very psychic lately because last night I dreamed that one of my crowns fell out. I’ve had a few trivial dream premonitions, but that’s pretty much it.

I had an awesome night writing last night. Started my book on the 5th and as of last night I had over 25K words written. I wrote for about 4 hours straight, tapping out 4550 words. Very productive and loads of fun, even if I never make another penny from it. Good brain exercise, too.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2016
Was too busy/tired to write yesterday. Still a little tired, but after taking a nap at the end of what was an obnoxiously noisy day today, I think I can catch up now.

So I wake up to the tune of hammering as they take down the Twenties’ tent, and someone’s mutt yipping on the other side (probably as its owner stopped to chat with someone), then head for Roseville about an hour later.

The doctor’s in the Army Reserves, so I didn’t get to see her. Everyone else was there, including a new girl named Jessica. I told them about the sensitivity, and it turns out that it’s not so much because I have cavities, as it is gum inflammation. Holly suggests I go back to using an electric toothbrush, but get a kiddy one.

Shannan did an air test to see if that stirred up any sensitivity, but all the X-rays revealed were the start of a couple of tiny recessions in a couple of bottom teeth. I had a few 4’s on the gum probe, but I’ll get things back into better shape soon enough.

After I was scaled, polished, flossed, fluoride varnished, and given my goodie bag, we were off to a burger joint. All I felt like was an order of fries and a drink.

So 3 appointments down this month and 1 more to go come Saturday. We’re both getting our eyes checked by the same lady we used last time. I hope my OH isn’t up! Definitely doing away with progressives unless they say they can’t pop the old lenses on my purple Candies. Transition glasses are fine, but I hate the dizzying/blurring effect of progressives, and I prefer glasses where the nose pads are part of the frame and not separate. Nose pads tend to be too close to my eyes because I’m so small. It’s just that “bubble” bifocals can’t be put in my designer frames.

Wondering if something’s wrong with Simon because he’s been having breathing issues. All 3 of them were out and about last night and they like to do some tenting of their own. I put a piece of old material over the stepstool and they like to play under there when they’re not exploring.

Probably going to stop voice blogging on Tumblr because I’m having too many recording issues.

Although I haven’t been watery or bloated, my boobs have been uncharacteristically sore day after day. I’ve never had sore boobs after a heavy period.

The night before last I dreamed something about a suspected killer, and last night it was spotting a giant spider that I sprayed. Once sprayed it shriveled up, but then it flew toward me. Ugh.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2016
I met with Dr. S, the sleep disorder specialist/neurologist. This was in downtown Sacramento in the same building O is in, which meant a long ride with lots of traffic and that stupid valet parking. He’s on the fourth floor while Doc O was on the third floor. Got to go back to this same place two more times this year… to see him in November, and then to the cardiology department up on the sixth floor for my stress test in December. I have so many appointments! Just so, so many. I just cracked my 50s and all the appointments sometimes drive me batty. How am I going to handle getting old? I wonder. This month alone I have four appointments. Next up in two days is my dentist. She’s my second favorite doc, runner-up to Stacey. Really sweet person. So is her staff.

Dr. S seems like a nice guy, and he’s from here, which helps me to understand him better when he speaks. The foreign doctor with the funky accent routine gets old.

The nurse took me into the exam room, as is customary to do these days, and proceeded to tell me all about her fertility issues and her pet dog, as if I really cared, haha. The doctor didn’t leave me waiting long at all.

I had filled out a medical history form about my sleep habits, and he did a series of tests besides the usual things like listening to my heart. He had me stare straight at him and then he would hold up a set number of fingers toward his left or right, up or down, and ask how many fingers he was holding up. Then I had to touch his fingertip and then my nose, and a strength test of my arms and legs by having me push and pull against his arms.

He looked in my mouth and explained what it was he saw that made the dentist ask if I had sleep apnea. Well, I don’t officially have it, which is good, but because it’s a bit “crowded” in my mouth/throat, there is a risk. He explained that usually there’s space above the tongue, but I guess there isn’t in my case. He measured my neck too, which can also be a factor in sleep apnea. You don’t want to be over 18 inches if you’re a man or 16 inches if you’re a woman. I’m at 14 inches.

What I definitely do have is circadian rhythm disorder. I struggled with this most of my adult life, but I kept it secret for the most part because it wasn’t a known and understood problem that was documented in the medical journal before 1999, and I knew that most people would just tell me I was “lazy” or “stubborn” and “didn’t really want to keep a schedule,” so I never bothered to explain it to most people. Even now, as much as sleep knowledge/medicine has advanced, I don’t think many people would get it just like many people don’t get things like anxiety, depression or anorexia unless they have it themselves.

He said medication is always a last resort, and that’s a good thing with my fear of medication. Because I’m already in my 50s, while I would like to be able to be helped in order to keep the schedule, it won’t be the end of the world if I can’t be. I have a husband who loves me enough to support me despite my shortcomings, and while it may be a pain in the ass to live with, I’m content to keep on taking care of the house and my job as a writer and software tester. If it doesn’t require a schedule and you want to pay me to do something within my means… Bring it on. I’ll be more than happy to do it.

But maybe he can help me keep a schedule for longer periods of time. Just like Stacey didn’t make my anxiety go away but taught me how to manage it better, maybe it doesn’t have to be so all or nothing with the sleep issues.

Okay, so here’s what we’re going to do. He gave me a four-week sleep journal in which I’m supposed to document the times I went to bed and got up, how long it took me to fall asleep, how many times I woke up, what woke me up, how long I slept, my caffeine intake, exercise, medication, and if I ate close to bedtime.

I’ve got a good head start in that I only have one medication I take regularly and one cup of coffee after I’ve been up for a half-hour and my thyroid med has been absorbed (no caffeine will be allowed on stress test day). I also exercise 20 minutes or more most days, and I try to make a point of not eating much too close to whenever I’m going to fall asleep because it raises my risk of heartburn.

Another thing I’m going to be doing is gathering my Fitbit information for him.

He also gave me some information from Medscape to go over.

Saturday we’re both going to the eye doctor, then next month is ENT month. Like I said, it never ends.

After leaving Sacramento we stopped at the Panda Express. I was hesitant to do so because the last time I ate there in the ‘90s in a mall in Phoenix, I hated it. But I was starving and there wasn’t anything else around. It was surprisingly good, though. The fried rice was boring, but the steak and veggies were good, and the honey walnut shrimp was excellent.

After lunch, it was off to get my hair re-layered and trimmed. She took off about half an inch. I can keep on dying it if getting it trimmed every six months will help keep it from looking so shabby. If not, then I guess I’ll have to have either long gray hair or dyed hair that I keep shoulder-length.

We picked up our meds at Walmart and then gathered some findings in the jewelry section. We got jump rings and split rings, but the splits are hard to work with. Got to get more jump rings. Tom did manage to “magnetize” a couple of necklaces for me. :-)

The Twenties are still tented. I was hoping they would have removed it while we were gone so I wouldn’t have to listen to it when they did. At least I got to miss out on the Tuesday landscaping at Geri’s.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2016
I find it rather sad that so many black men these days choose to refer to their women as “bitches.” What’s up with that? These people have no respect for themselves, for each other, or for anyone else.

In a moment’s weakness, I played with Alison on Twitter and a little bit with Kim, too. Just speaking my mind, not that it will do me any good. I just don’t get it. A woman can forgive a man for beating the shit out of her, yet Aly can’t forgive me for telling her like it is/was. Kim ran and changed names and played her blocking game, of course, but Aly didn’t for some reason. Maybe she feels that that in itself would be a reaction she doesn’t want to give me.

Been watching Stalkers Who Kill. I think it’s pretty pathetic that these psychos were well known to the police in the cases presented yet the police refused to do anything to help the victims. Nice to know they really “protect and serve,” isn’t it?

Anyway, this park really needs to STOP with the damn water games. All I wanted to do was simply take a bath and try my new bath bomb yet tons of dirt was present in the tub as if we were back in Maricopa dealing with wells all over again. The showers and sinks don’t have dirt coming out of them because they have filters. Tom’s going to have to take a hose and drain the dirt from the hot water tank. And the sad thing is that it’s been a couple of weeks since the last shut-off, so I know the water’s due to be turned off again any day now. I probably shouldn’t be taking a chance by running the dishwasher like I am right now, but they usually do it earlier in the day.

Despite some sediment in the water and the bath bomb not quite smelling like Love Spell, it was a luxurious experience that left my skin soft enough not to need lotion.

The hot oily water removed my artificial nails but I was sick of them anyway. They look awesome but can be a real pain in the ass for a writer.

Feeling a bit lightheaded yesterday and today but I’m getting a lot done. I did a ton of housecleaning today.

Bob and Virginia had company yesterday. They were pretty quiet for at least half a dozen visitors. Again I was so glad we weren’t back in Phoenix! There would have been tons of screaming kids, fighting adults, barking dogs, blasting music, basketball games that went on all day just yards from our windows, and trash galore.

I wonder if it was Bob’s birthday. I know he’s to turn 87 this month.

The fumigators tented Jon and Carolyn who are now on vacation. I guess they’ll remove it tomorrow.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2016
Signing in with a mysterious sore throat (heartburn?) and bad news from Tammy. Yeah, if there really was a God I’d say it’s a real shit for letting her nearly die twice. Seriously she doesn’t deserve this! Well, nothing up there may give a shit, but her family does. The congestion wasn’t going away so Mark took her to the emergency room. They transferred her to intensive care and then eventually to a regular room. She was in the hospital for a few days altogether.

I turned my ringer off when I went to Dr. A and forgot to turn it back on. I saw the phone flashing so I knew I had a message. I decided not to call her back because she sounded so awful and as if she was struggling to speak. Her voice was very hoarse and raspy. I emailed her instead.

I guess there was either a problem with her other medication or it just wasn’t helping. They now have her on different antibiotics and all we can do is hope that this will help. I noticed she hadn’t been around as much online but thought she was busy catching up on things she hadn’t been able to do for a while. Kinda surprised the girls didn’t give me a heads-up.

Again I didn’t have a single dream hinting that trouble was up with her. The only dream I remember lately was about losing Burke. I was going up a small elevator with him in some building. The elevator had two doors. When one door opened I put him down on the floor of the elevator and told him to wait for a second for me while I quickly jumped out to do something. It then occurred to me that anybody could’ve called the elevator to their floor. Worried, I raced back to the elevator and opened the door. The elevator was still on my floor but the rat was gone.

I ran in a panic to some older lady in some kind of assistance office and asked if she could help me. “Of course,” she said, sitting down between two other women of similar age as I began to tell what happened.

In other news, we changed the rats’ cage this morning and filled out the forms for the sleep doctor I’m to see on Tuesday. Now I just hope my sister gets better and my sore throat goes away. I got up to pee in the middle of the night and a gush of acid flew up to my throat from my stomach. Maybe that’s why it’s sore?

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2016
Congrats to my dear hubby for once again making Employee of the Month!

Did an Amazon order because we needed some household items including bedding for these rats that seem to go through it like crazy. We have too damn many rats! LOL, I just wish they were more like cats and not so fucking terrified of everything. Burke has turned out to be a wonderful rat who’s a lot of fun, but all three of them scare so easily. If I just sneeze they’re terrified. Really, I get tired of this scaredy-rat crap after a while.

While I was at it I grabbed some magnetic jewelry clasps because I’m tired of dealing with lobster claw clasps. They are a pain in the ass even when my nails are shorter.

Got a rat calendar for next year, a rat coloring book for adults, flavored lip gloss, purple wireless earbuds, and a Love Spell bath bomb. I’ve always wanted to try one of those, and I love that particular scent.

I also ordered some fragrance oils, Choco Musk, Maple Syrup, Brown Sugar and Brown Sugar & Fig.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2016
Saw Dr. A this morning and it went well. However, I’m not sure I’m getting anywhere as far as solving the mystery of what’s making me fatigued and lightheaded a lot of the time. According to her numbers, I actually have good estrogen still. I was shocked to hear this after having what I really thought were symptoms of perimenopause all this time. If that’s not what I’m going through, then what hell might await me when I actually am?

We’re now wondering if my sleep issues could have a hand in it. It’s not just schedule issues I have, but I still wake up a lot. Today I feel the best I’ve felt since Tuesday, but who knows how I’m going to feel tomorrow or the next day?

I told her about Tammy’s heart attack and she asked how old she was. I told her, and also the fact that she smokes and is inactive.

So they did an EKG, which looks good, and soon I’m going to be getting a call to schedule to have a stress test done. She said that at first she was going to send me directly to a cardiologist, but decided to start with just the stress test.

I told her that the anxiety has been great since the spring and she asked if I was still seeing Stacey. I let her know she was on call and she was okay with that. When I told her it was too bad that Doc L left since she was the only shrink I ever met that wasn’t crazier than her patients, she laughed her ass off.

I told her I wasn’t sure if I was going to cancel the new shrink or not, since I don’t need the lorazepam too often, and she recommended waiting until it got closer since it takes three or four months to get an appointment.

She’s okay with me continuing on my own for a while longer as far as managing my own cholesterol goes, but I understand that sooner or later I’m going to have to go back on something.

Anyway, the sleep doctor is also a neurologist and hopefully he can tell me if I have sleep apnea or whatever else may be going on. Last I knew there was no cure for the non-24 issue, but maybe there’s new information I don’t know about. All I know is that I have had sleep issues all my life and the older I get the worse they get.

She recommended I see her again in three months, although she would be okay with six, so I’ll see her again in December. Gotta go to the lab the week before, as usual, for cholesterol, TSH and T4 testing.

We stopped at the Goodwill we don’t usually go to after the doctor, and neither of us found anything interesting. I don’t particularly like this one.

We also stopped at a fast food place where I got a breakfast platter loaded with cholesterol. :)

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2016
One sign that summer is nearing its end is when you can hear the freeway traffic, something that’s only possible in cooler weather. Not sure why, but it’s something about the heat and atmospheric pressure of the heat that prevents you from hearing it in here in the summer. In the summer you just hear the car stereos instead. I’d rather hear the vehicles themselves passing by.

Tom has left for another 12-hour day, but this should be it for a while. I’m not as exhausted as yesterday, but I do have a little bit of fatigue and lightheadedness. Yesterday really sucked, though. I was practically in tears of frustration. I barely had the energy to function. While I’m glad that I feel better today, it sucks to know it isn’t going to last long. I’m still having more energyless days than days when I have sufficient energy. It really affects the quality of my life at times because I have to really struggle to do things on bad days, only able to do them in small steps before I have to stop and rest. Today I am scrambling to get as much done as possible, knowing that my energy supply is limited. Tomorrow I could be back to feeling like I haven’t slept in a week. I slept better last night, though I still did wake up several times. I honestly can’t remember the last time I closed my eyes and didn’t open them again until it was time to get up.

Due to a combination of not having energy most days or the patience to finish my stories, even though I do get good ideas, I’m trying a new technique. This means that for the most part, I write this story as if telling it after-the-fact. It lets me write more content and faster too, this way. At least it seems to so far.

I didn’t see any workers at the Twenties yesterday and I haven’t seen them yet today either, which is a bit of a surprise. Right now the house across from Geri is being mowed and blowed. And I’m guessing that Bob – the ageless old man – will want to reach for his saw and hammer anytime now that the weather is cooling down. I’m armed with enough sound machines, he can’t have that many years left to enjoy these projects, so fine, let him make his grandkids a new birdhouse. Got Pandora cranked up right now. Kinda like CRZY by Kehlani.

Burke was so funny yesterday. He could tell I didn’t feel well and he worked really hard to cheer me up. He ran around all playful and damn is that rat fun, but hard to keep up with at times, LOL.

I guess that’s all for now. I’m just enjoying my energy while it lasts… and missing Stacey. I really wish she would call so I could update her and see if she thinks I should come in and see her or not. The more I think about it, though, the more I’m pretty sure I’ll never hear from her unless she hears from me first. Isn’t that the way it usually is, though?

And why are my boobs still sore after my period?

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2016
There is nothing more frustrating than your mind wanting to do things while your body simply won’t cooperate. Again I’m feeling like shit. I am so tired of feeling tired! I intend to discuss it with Dr. A when I see her Friday but even if there was medication for me, chances are my body won’t be able to tolerate it. It is SO frustrating when there might be medication for this or that but you can’t take it because your body can’t handle it. It’s almost as if something up there wants me to suffer.

I was fine on Sunday, but last night I slept like major shit, constantly waking up. No nightmares, though. I don’t even remember any dreams I might have had. All I know is that I took a Benadryl before bed and I woke up seemingly every 15 minutes. By the time I got up, I felt like I’d only slept a few hours if even that, and I felt like I had a Benadryl hangover like the stuff can sometimes leave you feeling. Now I’m just light-headed and fatigued, but that’s annoying enough. I have zero energy. I could barely bring myself to brush my teeth. With my shit luck, I’ll get my energy back a few hours before bed.

I’m just sick of this shit, but I feel helpless as far as what to do about it. I really don’t think there’s much I can do, as it’s just something every woman who goes through perimenopause has to deal with.

Despite how shitty and out of it I feel today, we had a fun and productive weekend. We did fun things and we did not so fun things in that they were things that needed to be done.

Tom dyed my hair for me and now it’s fried as hell. I’m going to have my layers trimmed soon and hopefully, that will make it look healthier.

We went for a bike ride early in the morning yesterday and I thought to myself, my God have I gotten this out of shape due to being too tired to work out so much of the time?

My legs felt weak and rubbery. I’m having more bad days than good these days where I’m not able to do as much, so yes, I have definitely been slacking off on working out. I just don’t have the energy anymore and I don’t know if I ever will again. I sure hope I will, but the longer I don’t, the more I lose hope of ever getting my old self back. I miss having energy most days!

After the bike ride, we changed the rats’ cage and after that, we went out and put a few of the color-changing solar lights in front after trimming some bushes. Bob and Virginia drove by and we waved to each other. Then the Twenties walked over and we chatted for a few minutes.

Jon talked to Tom and Carolyn talked to me for the most part. Carolyn and I exchanged numbers and I told her I would let her know if I saw anything suspicious while they were on vacation.

Jon said something about selling a house in Elk Grove and also looking for a part-time job. Good luck as older white bread.

They said they would be putting up cameras because of the way the place was to be tented while they were gone and the workers would have to have access to the house, which I was surprised to learn, not that they have anything valuable, so Carolyn says. I assured them we’ve vacationed twice since being here and nothing happened, so they should be ok, though the cameras are always a good idea. It’s what we do.

Carolyn said they’ve only been married for 8 years and talked a little bit about what Jackie told her and the work they had done. She said all the pounding must have driven me crazy and while I admitted it was a bit loud, I also understood that they had to do what they had to do and didn’t have much choice. I just hope this will be it for a while, LOL. We talked about landscaping plans and I joked that they were welcome to dig up our Cypress trees and take them.

They said we could come over sometime for coffee, and I think that’s pretty much it.

I was glad to hear from Marie yesterday. She said she had to pull back and recharge because her medication fucked her up, and if anybody knows what that’s like it’s me. Something called Wellbutrin for her ADHD and depression. It made her very angry and she cried a lot, she said, and the stupid doctors weren’t supposed to have given it to her anyway. I guess there’s a DNA test they do, and that was one of the drugs that were listed not to be given to her.

Sometimes I wonder if doctors can be trusted any more than cops can.

Then she said she was on a dating site and desperate and asked since she’s not big on writing if I would write a little bio for her. She said she’s not really good at listing her attributes, but she pretty much hasn’t changed since Valleyhead. Yeah, that’s probably part of her problem, LOL.

So I guess the chick in Oregon didn’t work out for her. I think long-distance relationships only work if it’s just for fun (like Nane and I) and you know you’re never going to meet and wouldn’t want to leave the one you were with in the first place anyway.

Anyway, I wrote the bio and we exchanged numbers.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2016
Got my first real period in two months. My stomach deflated like a popped tire after being so damn bloated. They say you have too much belly fat if your waist is over 35” and that it should be several inches smaller. Well, it’s currently right at 35”, but there’s no way in hell I could ever get it back in the 20s no matter how much I dieted and exercised. Been having more and more problems with heartburn lately, so if anything will keep the weight from going up, it’ll be that since I can’t quite eat as much. Thinking of giving up soda to see if that helps, even though I drink calorie and caffeine-free soda.

I was thinking about how Rachel said you could still have Hashimoto’s symptoms even with perfect numbers. Well, I still do in some ways. Not being able to lose weight is one of them, though I also know that part of that is being older and that we’re supposed to have a little extra cushion with age.

Chatted with Mr. Twenties while Tom added water to the car. They’re taking off for two weeks on the 11th for his 50th high school reunion in Iowa. They’re going to make a serious road trip of it and stop at places like Yellowstone. He really appreciated me telling him he didn’t look that old, LOL, and he doesn’t. He’s such a nice guy, too.

He said the workers are “almost” done, whatever that means, and that the place will be tented the week after they leave. So I take it the workers will be there all of next week?

Went to Walmart yesterday morning and as he was scanning items at the self-serve register, I glanced over at the self-serve register across from us… a petite, slender woman with dark gray curls swept to the side and almost to the shoulders. No makeup. Almost athletic in appearance… Doc O? Tom didn’t think so, though she does live pretty close to us.

Today we’ll be going to Sam’s. We’ve got several things we want to get done around the house as well. These damn popcorn ceilings haven’t been de-webbed since Andy’s visit in late 2014, so since he’s got the height, he’ll go around doing that while I shine the flashlight to illuminate the dust better.

We’re going to put in the solar color-changing ground stake lights we have, move the kitchen table back into the dining area, and drag my old desk out of his closet and into my bedroom so I can have a more comfortable daytime office.

I shoved the file box under the laundry room desk since he has a better plan for hanging the bikes in the area across from it where there used to be a freezer.

We also need to change the rats’ cages, and I want to dye my hair.

I’m so glad my life is better than what it was in my dreams last night! I slept horribly and am tired today. We were living someplace where we were keeping these bees of all things. The beehives were by the living room window. They slept inside the hives at night and in the daytime, they came out, but stuck close to their hives, never flying around the place or anything.

I was talking to Tom, wearing just my bra and panties, when I raised my voice a bit. I don’t know if I was laughing or angry, but it startled the bees into flying onto me. I wanted to scream in a panic but was frozen in fear. Luckily I woke up at that point!

Then I witnessed two women fighting. As they were beating the shit out of each other in the street, I grew nervous as they got closer to our place and was about to jump in and beat the shit out of both of them if they fucked up our flowerbeds, but then they split up and ran.

I also had weird dreams. I cut the back of the couch to find rats nesting inside it and a small box that had a fan in it I could hear and feel, but not see. Then someone told me they thought something was wrong with the pipe feeding water to Tammy’s bathroom sink while I was still trying to figure out the box “fan” and pull all the rats out of the couch.

Then I was talking to my parents about some beach for older folks and said, “But it’s not like your beach where you have just a few women and men that act civilized. This beach has about 50 women that do nothing but shout over each other all day long.”

Then I was on a beach that was fairly deserted and walking along the shore. Someone warned me that the undertow was especially strong at the moment, and it did seem that I had to struggle to keep from getting sucked offshore and into the big waves.

Next, I ran into Doc A. First, in real life she sent me the portion of the hormone results when I asked her for tips on lightheadedness. Yeah, but what do they mean? I guess this is her way of saying, “You’re perimenopausing. Deal with it!” LOL

In the dream, I picked up my Burkey boy and she saw me give him a big hug and kiss. She was both amused and disgusted. A split second later she was riding away in a 50’s pickup that was driven by some guy. It was one of those old vehicles that had one long seat in front. She sat close to the guy, turned to look out the strip of window behind her, and waved to me.

Lastly, I had a jail dream that was about the most fun any jail dream could possibly get. It’s like it wasn’t a jail, but more like a resort, country club or fancy hotel. The only thing you couldn’t do was leave the place or choose your own food. There were 4-5 people per room, which had regular windows and real twin beds. Not plastic-covered foam mattresses thrown on either concrete or steel shelves/benches. The beds were even adjustable.

All the “inmates” were friendly and civilized. They didn’t act like a bunch of teenagers or seem as smart as second graders.

You could have your cell phones and any prescription meds you were on sent to you there. I was to be there for 3 months, so I must’ve done something a lot more serious than writing some no-no, knowing our twisted laws. I didn’t seem to know Tom, but my parents were still alive. Only problem was that I couldn’t call them to ask for my thyroid meds and a loan for the shops they had because they had just changed their number and I couldn’t remember it.

Pissed that I hadn’t programmed their number into my phone, I set about finding some stationary to write to them. In one of the shops, I was given a sheet of paper by a young woman. Then she gave me a handful of “decorations” to fancy up the envelope with. I chose a shiny purple flower. Then I was given an assortment of envelopes to choose from and made my choice.

“That’ll be 30 cents,” she said.

“Oh no!” I said, “I don’t have any money yet. I just got here.”

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2016
Aly’s still crying about crying, saying she wonders how many calories you burn crying because it’s been that kind of day, crying herself to sleep and then for much of the day.

Just be sure to throw away any sane and dependable friends you might have. Only the crazy ones who, as you admit, have no empathy and can’t be trusted or relied upon worth shit, can make you “happy.”

When I think back to how she didn’t even put up a fight when I dumped her for a while for lying, I now realize it’s because she never wanted to be friends in the first place.

I once got an anonymous question on Ask asking how I would let go of someone who hurts me emotionally but is otherwise a good friend. This no doubt had to be from her, but not in regards to Kim as I first thought. I’d bet anything I was the one who “hurt” her emotionally by being honest.

Seriously, I don’t miss this moody lying bitch. I’ll miss her wisdom, her feedback, her advice, and just having someone to check in with regularly, but I definitely won’t miss much else.

Reading back in some of my old journals in order to do the Life by the Month project I’m doing has been interesting. I forgot that I met Mike, a guy I had a one-nighter with, through Jim P, the guy I cleaned houses for.

It also amazed me that I could go to a doctor’s appointment and spend the day at the beach with just two hours of sleep. Those days are long over.

I’ve got great story ideas right now. If only I could motivate myself to stick it out and write more content more often. In about a week that initial motivation usually wears off, so I wish I could write my stories faster before they get a chance to fade away along with my interest.

The workers arrived at 8:00 sharp yesterday morning as expected, but weren’t as noisy this time. They parked in front of the house since the trash bins were out along the side of their place and our carport, and I didn’t hear any fierce hammering. I can tell they’re not done yet. Even if they don’t tent the place, they need to paint.

They left at 11:30 and were gone for about an hour. Whether or not they returned, I don’t know because I went to bed. I’m sure they’ll be back Tuesday.

I dreamed that Tom and I or just myself must’ve been accused of something bad that was either in the media or had at least gotten around the neighborhood because one night he returned from the store all upset. Our house didn’t look like our house, as usual. There was a small table just inside the front door on which Tom placed a few bags. He left the front door cracked and I quickly shut and locked it in case anyone with ill intentions followed us home. He said something about telling someone that they didn’t know or understand what the “allegations” meant.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 2016
Found Aly’s latest Twitter account through Kim’s seemingly favorite fan account dedicated to a local weatherman whom the 300+ pound nutjob has a hopeless crush on. If it weren’t for her craziness and shit personality I might almost feel sorry for Kim. Kim… well into her 30s and has no doubt never even been kissed.

Aly’s posted her handle on this fan account before in the bio section. Is she dumber than I thought or does she actually want me to find her? And why am I dumb enough to keep looking for her? Why am I still curious despite all the lies she’s told me, and the hurt and anger she’s put me through? I shouldn’t care about her any more than she cares about me. I’m sure I haven’t so much as even crossed her mind for a second since I last contacted her.

All of Kim’s accounts are protected, of course, and Aly’s tweeting the usual stuff… no one gets her depression, she wishes she had someone to talk to, she’s been waiting on her less-than-smart and less-than-reliable “friend” to do some email to someone together, and she just might have ruined a friendship. This last one was in regards to “wishing there was a depression filter for texting instead of a spellcheck or swear word filter.” No mention of me, though.

So not surprisingly, as there are a lot of intolerant people out there who lack compassion, she’s been dumped by someone who has a problem with her depression/clinginess but won’t hesitate to throw those away that did care.

Despite missing her occasionally and having an online friend to check in with regularly (sorry, but Rachel and Charlotte just aren’t Aly), get personal opinions from and share stories with, I don’t miss all the other drama. I remind myself every time I think of reaching out to her just to be rejected that she’s a liar, she’s two-faced, she misreads me, and she’s clingy. “I’d like to spend time with my husband” really means “I don’t give a shit” in her book and I can’t deal with that. That’s the kind of shit I used to get from Marie and it drove me crazy.

Still no sign of Marie, BTW. No idea what happened to her. Maybe her newest GF convinced her to dump everyone for her or some crazy shit like that.

The Twenties are still driving me crazy and making me sorry they moved in. If these projects are going to be a regular occurrence over there, then I want them out of here! Tom said they were done yesterday, but they’re not “done,” and my gut feeling is I’ve got another week or two of this shit.

Got a reply from Doc A. All she said was thanks for the heads up. Depending on how my appointment goes, I’ll decide if I should see Tom’s doc instead. He’s male, but since he’s that and Middle Eastern, there’s no waiting time, I could get in faster on emergencies, and he’s just 5 minutes away.

Last night I dreamed I was holding a cat in some large room. Tom was standing near me. We were to give it to someone. I don’t know if I kept the cat for a while, found it somewhere or what, but nearby was a dividing wall that was 7 or 8 feet tall. The cat squirmed restlessly and managed to wriggle out of my grasp. It started to climb this wall and I begged a woman who sat on top of it to please catch the cat for me.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2016
I hate this time of year. As a kid, September meant the end of summer and the return of school. Now it still means the end of summer, but it also means colder weather will be inching its way in and I’m not looking forward to it at all. I’m thrilled that the brats are back in school, but it’s only going to get colder and colder and the weather’s going to be mostly shitty until April. Should have some pleasant days in March, but the nights will still be cold, possibly even into May.

And then there’s the noise. Once the leaves start coming down every day, I’ll have to listen to those insanely loud blowers every goddamn day, not to mention other things. The Twenties are driving me crazy as it is with their very loud project and I’m already sorry they moved in. Figured God would make sure they were noisy. They are the second-closest house to us after all, though the house behind us is closer to my bedroom than they are. All that hammering for 8 hours a day for two weeks now, yet the place still looks the same. The bottom half of the wall on the side facing us is torn off. The hammering has been so damn loud that I can hear it on the other side of the house when in the bedroom with the sound machine on. I have a bad feeling it’s going to last another week or two, too. I just hope they’re not the project junkies Jesse was. I still hear every bit of it whether it’s a hired hand making the racket or themselves. There’s plenty more they could do, too. They could install a garage, redo the roof, add a sunroom in front, paint the place, etc. If they can’t shut up anytime soon, I’m going to push to have them moved. They’re just way too close to us for all this activity. I have lived in 5 states and never before this one have I heard so many loud projects being done so often. Carpet cleaning, hammering, sawing, chainsaws, wood chippers… and Saturday the park calendar suggests we may be back in the mainstream. Or at least feel like we are with 4 hours of base thumping when they have a live band here. Seriously, I didn’t come here for all this shit or the weather, which could be worse but still isn’t warm enough for my tastes, and I wonder just how many more years before we can move to Hawaii or Florida.

Soon someone will have to listen to our own loud carpet cleaning van. We really could use them out here, and I almost wish I didn’t get this sandy-colored carpet. If I had to start all over again I’d have dark or colored carpet in the bedrooms only, and the rest of the place would have laminate flooring.

We thought about what to replace some of these plants we want removed (if we can ever afford it) and I was thinking along the lines of cactus because it’s low maintenance. We know what we want to do by the carport, but aren’t sure about the other 3 sides.

Sometimes I wish we could afford to hire both housekeepers and landscapers, but even if we could, that wouldn’t work with my sleep curse, would it?

No lightheadedness, fatigue or earaches today or yesterday. I’m surprised but grateful that it backed off so soon after returning. Usually when it comes on it stays with me for a week or more.

Getting nervous, having more trouble sleeping and using lorazepam to help me sleep (hey, I might as well use what I’ve got left), as my appointments loom closer. Doc A is ignoring my message no doubt because she’s pissed at me, and I’m just worried that seeing her and the sleep doc is going to be a waste of time. Then again, that’s what I thought with Stacey.

I also worry that my dentist is going to uncover all kinds of problems.