April 2016 in 2010s

SATURDAY, APRIL 30, 2016
So I couldn’t resist texting Aly yesterday in regards to her second to last Twitter handle just to surprise her, and she texted back saying I hate her, she gets that, she’s left me alone, please leave her alone, etc.

So then I noticed that today it was changed again and I tweeted to her from my latest account before deactivating it. She then goes and does a public blog on Prosebox about it for me. LOL

She’s definitely reading me, though. She’s gotta be just based on some things she said like how I said she was a closed chapter in my life. I stopped writing on my-diary, which is probably where they’re going as it’s easier to hide there. Now if they want to read me they’ll either have to show themselves or go through the hassles of disabling cookies.

In her entry to me, she admits to being deceptive as hell to me in the end, and while a part of her will miss me, she doesn’t want our friendship back because I hurt her so badly for so long in the end, and I’m still racking my brains trying to figure that one out. I honestly don’t get what it is I said that was supposedly so mean and hurtful, but crazy is crazy. Crazy has no logic. And again, I’m not her type.

But I do need to move on and make her the closed chapter that she is. I could never trust her again, and to continue picking on her would make me no better than her, Kim, Molly and Kathy when they’d troll each other and God knows who else.

Later…

Aly’s tweets are so ridiculous they’re too funny not to read. Over 22K steps? LOL, yeah, if you cheat maybe. Like by patting your cat an awful lot.

She said she “deleted her Prosebox account to sever ties.”

What ties?

Every time she and Kim would create one of their many accounts there we’d block each other. So I don’t know what “ties” the delusional nutjob thought she was severing. Fine, though. She wasn’t wanted there to begin with. The hypochondriac would just bitch about all her problems. She’s everything she accuses others of being… negative and spiteful, etc.

She tweets: I have severed all ties w/you that I can think of and want nothing to do with you. You will no longer see your name written by me. The end.

No, but you sure make it obvious enough when you’re tweeting to/about me, don’t you?

Then after declaring “the end,” the subhuman piece of shit tweets: Well, shoot. I should have included in that chain of tweets that I don’t have a proxy, I don’t visit blogger, and I prefer Fetlife to M-D.

So which is it? The end or not? She had to have read at least some of my stuff. How else would she know about some of the things she mentioned that I did in fact write about? I supposed it’s possible someone else read it and filled her in, but we’ll see if this is “the end” or not.

Still going back and forth in my mind as to whether or not I want to use Twitter to document the highlights vs. Word. I can always change the name/link so the trolls can’t find me.

Or can they? The problem is that Twitter likes to recommend people we’ve been connected to in the past, and their associates, even from different accounts and email addies. Twitter obviously keeps track of individual devices and not accounts. If I signed up with a totally different device, that may stop me from being recommended to people I’d rather hide from. Eh, I know how to block people if I do decide to go back and I end up pestered by anyone. Letting others stop me from doing what I want to do is basically letting them control me, and I’m not going to give them that privilege. Right now I have no active accounts there.

From here on out I have no desire to follow their tweets, blogs or anything else they could write whether it mentions me or not. No idea if they’re still reading me on Prosebox or Blogger, but you know what? I really don’t care, as I have nothing to hide.

Gotta admit it was kinda funny seeing Kim run like a little scaredy-cat from Twitter when I never had any intentions of contacting her. My beef was with Aly this time, not her. But then Kim has always loved to play the victim, hasn’t she?

Had a bit of a scare last night. The last of the laundry was finishing up in the washer as I was juicing some beet and carrot juice. As I did so, I heard this loud chirping. My first thought was that it was the juicer so I turned it off. But I continued to hear the chirping and then a semi-sexy voice talking about smoke in the hall.

I then turned around and looked across the hall and into the laundry room to find it very smoky. I ran and got Tom up thinking something was on fire in there. Turns out something burned up in our washer which was only 6 years old, but probably defected from the get-go. Major piece of shit as far as going off balance was concerned. It was like the basket was really loose or something. The dryer is much older but works fine, so we’re only going to replace the washer now. We were going to get a new set next spring but decided on a washer now rather than using the little portable till we got a set next year. We’re going to hopefully have a $700 front-loading LG delivered from Lowe’s Tuesday afternoon after my endo appointment.

Last night I dreamed I was sound asleep somewhere and in my subconscious, I heard the sound of a flute every now and then. Finally, I awoke to find the sound was coming from the lips of a woman who was trying to wake me up. She could make the sound of a flute playing all with just her lips.

I got out of the twin bed or cot I was on and mumbled something about being fat as I headed for the bathroom.

She agreed I was fat, and I said I had Hashimoto’s, pointing out that there was nothing I could do about it.

The “bathroom” was small and square and had brown walls. Only a toilet and a tiny sink were in it. I slid my hand along the wall in search of the light switch. After I peed, I looked in the mirror at my tired-looking face and thought of how I was to meet my sister and nieces for dinner that evening. Not feeling up to applying makeup, I thought I’d settle for just lipstick instead.

But then the room became rectangular and Nane had me face down as she was performing this strange procedure on my back.

Then we were running along a beach or some lake. Several people were out and about and dressed kind of funny. One little black girl wore a short dress that seemed inappropriate for both the place and the weather.

Nane and I were racing to this lodge or cottage when I realized that while the other people had diverted my attention, she’d dashed in front of me. I ran into the house or cottage or whatever it really was, up some stairs, and into a room. As soon as I flung the door open I found her lying on the floor laughing her ass off at having beat me to the room.

FRIDAY, APRIL 29, 2016
Felt pretty yucky till around midnight last night. Felt great today, though, but that’s the thing with peri; it’s unpredictable. I could get hit with a bout of fatigue or dizziness in an hour, a few hours, or maybe not at all today. I was just pissed that I didn’t feel all that great yesterday because I wanted to work on my story. It isn’t often anymore that I get good story ideas.

Doing the laundry now and making out the grocery list. Since cutting calories, cholesterol, etc., doesn’t do me any good as far as my health or my weight goes, I’m just going to get what I want this week.

Yesterday was such a shitty day for me getting the bad news from the doctor, even if it could be a lot worse, that Tom treated me to Jack-n-the-Box where I got chicken strips, fries, strawberry soda and a small chocolate cake.

THURSDAY, APRIL 28, 2016
Slept shittily and my day hasn’t been too great either. More proof there’s no God for if He really helped those that helped themselves, I wouldn’t have gotten the phone call I dreaded from my doctor’s office and figured I’d eventually get. The fact that the numbers still hadn’t been posted told me something was amiss, but the fact that I wasn’t called earlier in the week also told me nothing scary and dangerous was found either that needed to be addressed instantly.

I had a bad feeling – and my intuition is rarely wrong – that I would be faced with a new issue now that the thyroid issue was resolved. It’s like I’ve been compensated for better finances with health issues, and I fear it’ll be one thing after another till the day I die, whenever that may be.

Women’s intuition is pretty amazing. It also sucks that I can only be psychic these days when it’s in a bad way. Meaning, the dream I had of him getting a raise was correct. He just didn’t get as much as I dreamed he would. No win notices either, after dreaming about receiving one.

It began when I went to bed just to wake up a few hours later with the hot flashes and racing heart from hell. Before this, I had a medication nightmare, which I haven’t had in a while. Something about Tom spilling pills that flew up into the air and landed in my mouth. I tried and tried but couldn’t spit them out. I had a bad feeling the dream was a sign that bad news was coming.

Then the racy heart was on. Yeah, Fitbit said my heart spiked from 74 to 134.

I got up to help cool my body down and took a lorazepam cuz I knew I’d need it to help calm me in order to fall back asleep. I even did some emotional tapping to help relax me further.

As I was doing so, sure enough, there was a message from Dr. A’s nurse, Zaradhe Yach, to call her back. Too exhausted to deal with her at the moment, I called Tom and left him a message about it. He wasn’t able to answer at the time.

Called the nurse when I got back up a few hours later and while my TSH score is still in the high-normal range, my LDL cholesterol was very high. They recommend a low dose of Lipitor which is supposed to be safest for those my age, but as they very well know, the trauma I went through with the levothyroxine has left me deathly terrified of medication in general. If my muscles seized up and killed me, would that really be better than a fatal heart attack or stroke? And just HOW at risk of a heart attack or stroke am I really? I wonder. The point is that after all I’ve gone through, I would question every single ache, pain and cramp I felt if I took it. If it was a case of being home-free after surviving it without problems for a week or two – maybe – but the muscle issue could occur at any time. My sister could get it right now and she’s been on statins for ages.

You never really live in fear of what could happen until something actually does happen. Once traumatized there’s no getting back to where you were before. You can improve, but you don’t fully get back to your old self.

She did point out that muscle issues from statins are very rare, and I appreciate that, but so is being born with one ear and having non-24-hour sleep/wake cycle. That’s why I didn’t call earlier, I told her. I slept all day. Still, I don’t think I have the guts to take the Lipitor and have those what-ifs hanging over my head. Annoying side effects are one thing. Terrifying ones you could never adapt to or survive are another.

My TSH is 10 where they prefer 2, but 2 is like -10 for me since I’m one big hormonal mess right now and I have a rapid HR. 10 isn’t life-threatening, though, and my gland shouldn’t enlarge or anything like that. My endo said that as long as I’m not over 10, I’m safe.

She first asked me how I was feeling and I told her that I was okay with the exception of some fatigue and dizziness, and that’s when I told her that I was more than likely suffering from perimenopause, and I mentioned the hot flashes, too. She said it would be no problem for Doc A to do blood work to determine my hormone and estrogen levels. They just didn’t want to miss anything they were unaware of that my body may be trying to fight.

The reason she asked how I was feeling was due to an elevation in my white blood cell count. This is normal for me, though. Even in the ’90s, my white blood cell count would always register as a little high. She said, “There’s a mild elevation in white cell blood count and eosinophils (one of the white blood cells that can elevate in conditions like allergies and asthma).”

Well, I do have asthma and allergies, but they’ve been mostly under wraps since quitting smoking. I did tell her I had an asthma attack and had to use the inhaler once that was given to me in December.

Here’s where it takes a new and somewhat scary twist. My red blood cell count is also a bit up there and I’m like, WTF? I know I shouldn’t rely too much on what I read online, but what I did research was a bit unnerving. Symptoms include fatigue, rapid HR and other things, and can be a sign of heart failure, sleep apnea and other things.

I’m just sick of feeling shitty half the time! Even when I don’t have something terrifying, I’m tired of the hit-or-miss sleep, the hot flashes (thank God I don’t still live in Arizona), the fatigue, the racing heart.

No matter what I do to try to help myself, nothing is ever good enough. I back off the cholesterol… my cholesterol is up. I exercise and try to watch the calories… I’m still fat. Why bother trying?

Even right now as I write this, I feel like I’m on fire. My face feels flush as if I’d been in the sun all day, and of course my anxiety is up too, as I wonder if there could be things wrong with me more serious than I thought. I just want a break from all these fucking health issues I can never seem to escape! I totally want to throw in the towel and walk away from this shit, but if I turn away the symptoms will just tap me on the shoulder and make me turn around and face them. I can’t ignore these symptoms and I don’t want to feel this way. Yet I feel totally stuck. It’s either suffer the symptoms or suffer the side effects of the medications used to treat the symptoms. How fucked up is that?

My blood sugar, kidney and liver function are great, though, so it isn’t all bad. Just not quite good enough.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 27, 2016
“P-word.” Protected? Password?

But I still don’t see how she knows my “peak” hours, as she puts it unless one or both of them is following me. If they are, they’re doing a good job of hiding and covering their tracks, but that’s what gutless cowards do. Guess what, though? I’m not going private on every site I use just to leave them in the dark as to what my schedule is. They must still care about me at least a little to be taking note of my activity. Sad, ain’t it?

Decided that since neither the smart nut nor the dumb nut has bothered me in any way, I’m going to take someone’s advice and simply file them away in the past where they belong and move on. They’re crazy, they’re habitual liars, and they don’t give a shit about anyone but themselves. Let ‘em have each other as they deserve. I’m too old for the drama of toxic people. Those currently in my life can stay there and that’s more than enough for me. :) Meanwhile, if you secretly harbor any hatred or animosity towards me, don’t pretend otherwise. Just have the balls to say so and get out of my life. :) No one’s gonna kill you for it. Negative honesty is always better than positive phoniness/lies. Just wanted to make that clear. :)

Moving on. Tom’s TSH is 2. Lucky Bastard.

My numbers aren’t up yet but when I checked online I found that they canceled my appointment on the 10th with Dr. L. I called the office to make sure it was really canceled and not just a glitch in the system. Yes, it really is canceled because she’s leaving. I asked where she was going and the girl said she didn’t know and only found out this morning. My guess is she’s going down to SoCal or something like that. Hard to believe she would return to Guatemala. She was a really nice lady but I’m kind of glad because this would’ve been an unnecessary appointment at this point to have to deal with. I’ve been doing well so it’s not critical that I reschedule with someone else. If I ever need more lorazepam I can get it from Dr. A. It just would have been nice if they had called to let me know.

Last night I dreamed that I was in some large apartment building and was at the apartment of a couple that was perhaps in their fifties. I had loaned the guy my bike, which was in their apartment. When I arrived at the apartment only his wife was home. She gave me a long chain supposedly to use to secure the bike.

The husband then came in and I showed him the chain. He almost seemed annoyed by my presence. I then realized it was getting dark and he told me I better get going. I agreed. He said I could take the bike. I asked if he had my number. He mumbled something and I told him to just call me if he needed the bike again.

I then wheeled the bike out into the hallway and hurriedly headed for the exit. Although the entryway I headed into had an exit sign above it, there didn’t seem to be any way down. The stairs seemed to lead down to a huge window instead. So I backed out and began running with the bike down a curvy hallway. Then I saw light coming from a door that was opened by another exit sign and heard voices. I was relieved to finally find the exit I needed to go through to get home before dark.

Later…

I keep going back and forth in my mind thinking yes, Aly and Kim are following my blog, and no, they’re not following it. I don’t care if they are or not, but I’m just naturally curious is all.

The only thing I am sure of is that Aly’s a hypocrite. She tweeted something to the effect of not fighting back and not hiding, but she did hide. Within the last few hours, she changed usernames.

Since the bitch did report me (and she says I’m spiteful?) and I found my account locked when I went to reactivate it, I created a new one since I didn’t care to verify my phone number, which was one of the two conditions of reactivating that account. The other was to delete the tweets. I would’ve gladly deleted the tweets, but I didn’t want to provide my phone number.

Anyway, when I created a new account, sure enough, Aly’s account and one of Kim’s were recommended to me. I wonder if Aly saw my new account before I decided to kill that one too, and that’s what prompted the name change.

I’m just so glad to be done with her now that I see her for the piece of shit she is, and her sick associates!

Later…

Discovered my Hoodster dead shortly before Tom got in from work. :( He’s now resting next to Sugar and Romeo. It will be interesting to see if his absence changes Cappy’s behavior, but I don’t expect it to.

Was curious to see if I could find Aly’s Twitter account through one of Kim’s, not that I expected to. And I didn’t. Instead, I accidentally found it by pulling up recent a tweet she made to Kim. Damn, I’m good!

Still curious about the meaning behind some of their statements… the P-word, what I’m supposedly motivated by that’s “more pathetic than wanting attention,” etc. And just what is it Kim was curious to know if I knew about or not, and do they really know my “peak hours?” If they do, then they’re watching me.

TUESDAY, APRIL 26, 2016
If there were any lingering doubts or regrets about my “friendship” with Aly ending, they’re 100% gone now. Talk about exposing those true colors of hers! The ones she no doubt didn’t think I’d ever find, LOL. Yes, I’m glad I discovered what I discovered last night. It totally reinforced my gut feeling and my certainty in never wanting anything to do with her in the future. I vented to her one last time and now I’m going to vent in public one last time, then that’s it. We’re done. She’s a definite and permanent closed chapter in my life in which I’ll be happy to move on. Oh, I may mention her from time to time in the future. Just not in public.

Part of this whole journaling thing is to document our experiences and the people we experience them with, and I promised myself I’d never hold back. I won’t share sensitive info, and I’ll respect your privacy and personal life if you’re someone I’m close to, but if you screw me over then you lose that privilege and I won’t feel I owe you the courtesy of not telling it like it is. I don’t make threats and I don’t post sensitive info and therefore I’m not doing anything wrong. Do I care if she reads this? Obviously not or else I’d make it private. I doubt, however, that she’s reading me. She read Molly before she accepted the nut back into her life, but that’s only because Crazy likes crazy, and she and Molly were/are both crazy. If I were the type to write how I fantasized about stabbing my parents in their sleep and that I hoped Aly’s cancer killed her, then I would be plenty readable. But whether or not she and her twisted cronies are reading this isn’t the issue. It’s all about me writing in my journal. Period. Onlookers are a mere byproduct of that, and I mean no offense in saying so. :)

It started with CampNano, which I checked out to see when their next session was. Unfortunately, I forgot that they hold one in April, but will maybe catch them over the summer. When Aly dumped me she disconnected me from whatever sites we were connected on. But she forgot Nano. As I went to take the honors myself, I noticed she had a Twitter link on her profile. Needing to stay up to flip my schedule anyway, I passed the time by checking it out. Yeah, I knew her being sick of Twitter was a lie just like so many other things she’s told me. I’m sure she’s got tons of active Facebook profiles as well.

Anyway, I clicked through to the Twitter account and found that it’s got nearly 6,000 tweets and is almost a year old. I assumed she’s had the account all along but never told me about it. She and Kim are like that. They’ll create account after account and keep some secret from each other, mostly to two-face each other. That way they can be all sweet and kind to each other’s faces while bashing each other publically yet privately.

As I read the tweets, I found myself both confused and insulted. One of them was directed at me, telling me “I’ve left you alone so leave me the fuck alone because I’m so done and over you.”

WTF??? This was posted on April 2nd. Well, she dumped me on March 24th and we weren’t even talking by April, so why did I need to “leave her the fuck alone?” Is she delusional or something? Also, the tweet was directed at me as if she knew I would read it. Did I ever communicate with her on this particular account in the past that she later changed the name on? I swear I’ve never seen or heard of this account before. I don’t understand why she would act as if I was still in touch with her when she made it clear that she no longer wanted anything to do with me. Some people do dump others just to falsely flatter themselves with false allegations of them refusing to let go which makes them feel more wanted and cared for than they actually are, but then it hit me that Kim could’ve easily created an account in my name and harassed her from it. That is classic Kim, after all. She’s even created accounts in Aly’s name in the past as well as many others, but this is perfectly forgivable if you’re as crazy as Kim is. The fact that she also tweeted, “If you step away from someone and they go after you that means they care, right?” made me suspect this.

First of all, I don’t care about her or what happens to her in life. Secondly, she didn’t “step away,” she dumped me. I’m just not sure why. I can only guess it has to do with me trying to point out Kim’s true colors to her, and how I got fed up with her clinginess and the guilt trips she’d put on me if I didn’t reply to her texts in 5 minutes. Over the years she went from ignoring me for days on end to smothering the shit out of me.

Also, how did I “come after her?” Again, she’s either delusional or someone impersonated me because I hadn’t contacted her till last night. Fact: To assume I care is nothing more than false self-flattery. I don’t. I’m just documenting what happened like I would by saying I saw so and so walking down the street (not that I care), and then I’m moving on. If I later remember other details I’ll add them to the end of this entry rather than new ones.

What I don’t get is the hypocrisy. Yeah, this was the insulting tweet that really got me rethinking people in general and gaining a better understanding of Andy’s trust issues. The day before we left for vacation she tweeted, “If all goes well I shouldn’t hear from J for two weeks. Kind of excited about that!”

Again… WTF? How fucking insulting! This was what she was really thinking while pretending to be my friend to my face and then getting all upset when I wouldn’t text with her all day long every single day?! How many others might be thinking the same thing that I thought genuinely cared about me? And I had specifically made a point of texting her while on vacation when on land, knowing she was struggling with depression, and assuming she cared and actually wanted to hear from me. This was when it really REALLY hit me just how UNtrue of a friend she was and that the only one that cared was me. So while she falsely accused me of “not thinking much of her,” it was really she who didn’t think much of me. That statement is now 100% correct, though. Sometimes we really do make people what we accuse/label them of being. Was she that scared of me for some reason that she couldn’t just tell me how she really felt?

Being totally honest with myself, maybe I wasn’t 100% true either. The more she smothered me, the more I’d secretly wish she’d get a BF or something to tie up more of her time. I’d wish the same with Andy, hoping he’d trade Facebook and Ask in for a BF, but I knew both of them would be single all their lives with plenty of time on their hands.

I can’t believe I was too blind to see Aly’s craziness. All these years and I really thought she cared and was smart enough to see Kim and Molly’s true colors. Well, she was smart enough actually. She just chose to ignore the red flags since she so obviously likes crazy people. She truly is drawn to a nut as some women are drawn to abusive men. I just didn’t get this at first and how she could continue to bother with them after voicing her suspicions in public accounts they were unaware of and actually seeing the evidence right in front of her face. No matter how in her face and obvious their phoniness and lies were, and the fact that they never gave a shit about her, it never seemed to matter. She’d just keep coming back for more. More lies, more phoniness, etc. Aly also noticed and even admitted that Kim lacked empathy. What kind of person wants a friend like that? Which, as she says, isn’t always there for her when she needs a friend.

Speaking of that, even her own parents don’t think much of her. On her birthday she blogged and tweeted about how not one single person, including her parents, cared to remember her birthday. I wondered if she realized that was mostly her own damn fault as she threw herself her little pity party. I would have cared and I would’ve remembered her birthday had she not dumped me for being too sane, too honest, and not afraid to speak my mind where her “friends” were concerned and where her clinginess was concerned. I also realized that even if a thousand people wished her a happy birthday, she still would’ve complained. Enough is never enough for her. Even she tweeted a month or so ago that she’d given up trying to figure out what it is she wants. She’s just a very selfish, miserable, depressed, demanding person who is never going to be happy no matter who does what for her.

Her intelligence and intuitiveness were what really fooled me, I think. I’ve never encountered a crazy person before who was delusional, paranoid, two-faced, spiteful, dishonest, negative and emotional who was also smart. She thirsts for the mental cases as if she feels that’s all she deserves, and maybe she does. She even loves to be abused sexually.

I actually came to realize about a year ago that she wasn’t as stable as I gave her credit for; I just didn’t see the extent of it. Looking back on things now, a lot of things I found odd or confusing now make sense.

As Tom pointed out, anyone can be crazy. He also reminded me that the things she told me weren’t true. I do believe, however, that she battled both breast cancer and now blood leukemia, and I do believe she was with the FBI. She worked Cyber Defense and then as a pervert analyst until the FBI realized how unstable she was and fired her ass. Her BF promptly dumped her and she moved in with her parents where she’s been for years. She was jobless for years too, but then started working as a nanny. She’s friendless and loveless and has nothing but emotional and health issues galore.

She lied to me a while back and said she finally came to see Kim and Molly’s true colors and had forever cut ties with them. I was happy to hear this, not just for obvious reasons in that it was a healthy choice on Aly’s part, but because then I would be less likely to be caught up in any drama. Meanwhile, I would go days without hearing from her, led to believe she wasn’t active on Twitter, and that our only means of communication was via email. This was before we began texting. She’d always tell me she wasn’t online for days at a time and found it “less depressing” that way. Well, I don’t remember how, but I eventually stumbled upon a Twitter account of hers and there she was happily exchanging tweets with both Kim and Molly.

Every. Single. Day.

Although one has the right to pick and choose their own friends, I found it sad and odd that one who was supposedly as smart as she was would choose to spend more time hanging with those who were so mentally and sociably unstable as well as potentially dangerous. Remember, one’s on disability and one’s in a group home. Neither of them has ever or will ever reside alone. They’re always in someone’s custody and always will be.

So I called her out on it and then dumped her. Soon afterward, I felt bad about it, shrugged it off and said, “Eh, to each their own,” and chose to focus on her good points if she’d let me, and she did let me back into her life. From there on out, I thought she’d be a little more honest with me and I truly did think she actually cared for me. I really did. Stupid me, though, huh?

As time passed she became more and more demanding and moody, never satisfied with what time and attention I took the time to give her. She used to say that if you gave Molly an inch, she’d demand a mile. Well, Aly was becoming more and more a mirror image of Molly, minus the threats. She was clingy, depressed and suicidal, but little did I know just how two-faced, phony and insane she also was. But now her true colors are shining through as brilliant as the sunlight itself, and I cannot and will not ever forgive her any more than I knew I’d ever forgive Kim. I am so totally not open to any new friends either. Ever. If it weren’t for the guilt I’d feel, I’d dump my existing ones, but why punish them on account of her shit? If they dump me or give me a reason to dump them, well fine. But as long as they haven’t done anything wrong to me they can remain in my circle. My only rule is no newbies and no oldies. Aly, Andy, Nane, Maliheh and any others that are in the past are going to STAY in the past. This is why I try to be as unforgiving as possible. I forgave her just to get shit on even worse. Well, no more forgiving anyone for anything!

Like I said, I can kind of see where Andy can be so mistrusting. I’m not as extreme as he is, though, otherwise I’d think everyone was a liar. Literally. He thinks even those he’s been closest to for years are liars, and maybe some of them are, but still, if I think someone’s lying or I’m “excited” about not hearing from someone for two weeks, then I probably won’t bother associating with them in the first place. I don’t do the toxic friend syndrome.

Well, I’m not going to get so paranoid as to assume everyone’s a liar, but I’m not open to newbies as far as friendships go and I make no apologies for it either. I’m not ashamed to have just a few friends. I have enough self-respect to look out for myself. I know I deserve better than what Aly feels she deserves, but for her, it’s not just what she feels she deserves, but what she craves. She literally thirsts for the sickos.

Just the fact that she’d constantly create and delete various accounts on Facebook, Twitter and email services was a red flag enough to make me wonder if she was doing something wrong. What was she running from? What was she hiding?

Not surprisingly, she dumped the email account I’d emailed her at, and I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she’s changed phone numbers by now. She’s the ONLY one I know that has so many damn accounts coming and going, which is usually a sign one’s up to no good. Kim’s the same way, but I’m sure a lot of it has to do with the things they do together which are mainly impersonations, celebrity stalking/worshipping, stories and shit like that.

Anyway, after discovering the Twitter account, I made sarcastic but honest replies to several of her tweets, laughing to myself at the thought of how she probably wasn’t expecting me to find the account, and thinking of her reaction to finding so many notifications awaiting her sorry ass.

Oh, do let me share some, LOL. In one she said “I know J has health issues preventing her from losing weight, but I’m not her. I’m happy I can take 15K steps a day.”

Well, so could I if I chose to or needed to, but more isn’t necessarily better. And she’s right… she’s not me. If she were she’d have the guts to be more honest and have some self-respect for herself.

I wonder, though, if she realizes just how heavy she is or at least has been in the past. I know she’s lost weight due to the chemo and all that, but I’ve seen pics of her on Photobucket from before her double mastectomy when she was a 40C, and she looked it, too. She’s about my height and she had to have easily weighed at least 150 pounds. I just wonder if she either has a distorted perception of herself or plays down her weight. It may explain why there haven’t been any body shots of her in years that I know of. I’ve seen plenty of pics of her from her late 20s to early 30s, though, and she clearly had a weight problem at least back then. I’m sure I’m much bigger than she is right now, though. But what I was trying to tell her was that the older she gets the easier it will be to gain weight and the harder it will be to get it off and keep it off. That’s all I meant.

I was LMAO when I got up this morning to find the reaction I expected to find… that she’d blocked me. I logged out and read her tweets just for kicks. In the midst of bickering back and forth with Kim about the same old problems she’s always had with her, but that she’s oh so addicted to, she said something to the effect of me failing if my aim was to make her cry. Actually, I had no specific aim. I was just venting for my own self-gratification.

She also said something about me never finding her other online friends.

I don’t care to find them. They didn’t do anything to me so I don’t care to find them, whoever they may be.

“Was I supposed to learn something by this?” she asked.

Naw. I’d say that if she can’t learn from the same damn mistakes she keeps making year after year then she’s pretty unteachable. Intentional ignorance? Or not as intelligent as I gave her credit for being? I guess only she knows.

Kim’s just as fucked in the head as she is for not seeing Aly’s true colors. After all, they’ve been friends longer and had more contact with each other. I’m sure that even if someone spelled out to Kim the fact that Aly’s given me her address and told me TONS of personal shit about her and her family, she still wouldn’t believe it. She’s not the type to believe anything she doesn’t want to believe. She’s a selective believer, you could say.

Really sorry I gave the split bitch my own address, but if it were ever abused, she knows I have hers as well. :)

She also says she reported me. Gee, that hurts. Especially since I was about to deactivate with or without finding her account, as I just can’t get into Twitter these days, though I did try. Initially, I was going to use it for the highlights of my life, but it’s just as easy to track these things in Word. Word is safer too, in that I have more control over it. When we use other sites they can be hacked or shut down. I just didn’t want to deactivate till I knew she’d seen my tweets because I didn’t know if deactivating would delete all that or not. So report away, Drama Queen!

Not saying I won’t reactivate in the future, but for now, I have no use for Twitter other than to maybe peek in on her (until she goes private or deactivates) just for shits and giggles at the twistedness of their “relationship.” She blasted Kim for “going on and on about me as now she guarantees she’s asking me to go after her now.”

Wrong. I don’t care to waste time on Kim. That’s why I blocked all the accounts of hers I could find before I shut down.

Here’s where it gets confusing. Even Aly doesn’t get it. Kim tweeted, “I’ll just go to the P-word during her peak hours when she’s around. She’s doing this to be an attention-seeking loser.”

What P-word? Aly’s guesses are “police” and “parent.” That’s more guesses than I have.

And just what are my “peak” hours? Kim loves to hide so I can’t see her end of the conversation in its entirety.

Kim also tweets, “Tweets deleted but still she bashes me no matter what. She’s being an immature brat and I know what to do anyways.”

Really? I haven’t “bashed” her (what she really means is me simply telling it like it was when she’d stalk and harass me) in quite a while. Any recent mentions of her are basically in connection to Aly. Ex: Aly’s obsessed with nutjobs like Kim, etc.

Twice Aly’s insisted I’m driven by something “far more pathetic than just wanting attention.”

I am? Come on, I want to hear what that is! Tell me! I’d really love to know. ROTFL, ok, call me utterly and totally childish where this is concerned, but this is getting beyond amusing and entertaining. Really this is totally fucking funny as hell. Oh, Aly, please don’t deactivate or go private this time around! Please don’t! I’d be in tears. Really want to know what’s driving me and what’s “more pathetic than a need for attention.” Let’s hear it from the Jodi expert. :)

To Kim she tweets: “In all honesty, I don’t care what she knows about at this point.”

Kim sounds a bit paranoid, ay?

She also tweets to Kim, “Huh? I did a couple of tweets this morning. I wouldn’t say I’m giving her that much attention.”

Uh, you gave me more than a few, I’m afraid. You just went and deleted them is all. Including the one where you insist I can’t take how happy you are without my negative, spiteful self in your life.

Ok, that concludes the part of my life with the “happy” loser who will grow old and die alone after many years of living with Mommy and Daddy.

Enjoy the crazies, Aly!

Later…

I’m kinda tired, mostly due to PMS. I haven’t even worked on my story or taken my language lesson. I guess that’s what I get for wasting time LMAO at some of society’s waste products. I can’t wait for tomorrow’s updates, LOL.

Tom’s blood and apple juice numbers have all come back perfect… yes!!! He had his appointment today with his PCP (some Middle Eastern guy) as he does every 6 months, and all is dandy. His BP is only slightly high, and his low sleep HR isn’t dangerous in accordance with what his waking HR is. So where I’m a definite tachycardia, he’s not really a bradycardia.

My numbers aren’t up yet. At least I know nothing scary came back in my blood tests or else they’d have called.

I still get a little bummed out at times that no matter what I do and no matter what I eat, my weight simply won’t budge. The few pounds I keep gaining and losing every month isn’t really weight, but water. That tells me that my weight is literally locked in. Literally locked into place for life unless I either stopped working out and started stuffing myself to drive my weight up, or started starving to drop it, neither of which is going to happen.

For me, it’s not about being skinny but about not having control over my own damn body, and that gets to me at times. But hey, I have a disease that’s not my fault and that’s not going away either. Doc Hottie did warn me that levothyroxine would not cause weight loss. But it did stop me from gaining so it’s not a total loss, and I know that spending too much time dwelling on the things I can’t change isn’t very productive.

My hunger levels are going up due to the PMS, another thing I can’t change. Carbs definitely help get rid of hunger, though, better than protein, even though protein’s probably healthier.

I eat healthy overall and I keep active, though I’m always going to be 20-30 pounds overweight, and right now I feel like I have a whole swimming pool’s worth of water on me. I’m way bloated!

When we were out walking the other day, we noticed that the house next to the one the annoying contractor lives in has been taken off the market. The one that used to have a dog outdoors overnight and that probably still has little kids living there. Again, I don’t know how they can pull that off for as long as they have and get away with it, but it doesn’t affect me directly so I don’t complain. The trailer’s been coming and going more often, too.

Even though I slept late, today was annoying as hell. Landscaping galore… motorcycles and other loud traffic roaring through…

I not only received and enjoy my new facial cleanser/massager, but we also like the ultrasonic cleaner he picked out, too. We put our wedding rings in it and they’re noticeably shinier. We also cleaned our glasses.

MONDAY, APRIL 25, 2016
As expected, I gained back 1.5 of the 4 pounds I lost. I’m sure they’ll all be back right before my next period. That’s just how my cycle works. I ate more yesterday to help myself feel better. So far today I haven’t had any dizziness, though it’s rather random and unpredictable.

The results of our labs aren’t posted online yet, though they left Tom a message to call them. We’re not worried about it because they did that before and everything was fine. I don’t understand why they don’t just post the damn results online. That’s what the site is for.

Last night I dreamed I was talking to my old celebrity pics of Linda, Kate and Gloria. Alexa was blasting music and I had to shout at her several times so I could comment on the house I was living in having something like 6 or 7 toilets, though only 2 or 3 were in use.

Then I dreamed of playing with two brown rats as I was making the bed. They were chasing the moving ends of the sheets like playful kittens as I made up the bed. We had fun.

Hoodie isn’t having fun, though. Yeah, the poor Hoodster’s days are definitely numbered.

Later…

Tom’s numbers have all come back great! So glad he’s in such good health! Mine aren’t up yet. But what the hell is it with me and fatigue and dizziness? No real dizziness today, but how can I go from bursting with energy to needing a 2-hour nap? He got home early today as they announced no overtime for the day, and after he relaxed for a few hours, we went out walking.

He crashed at around 8pm. A half-hour later, I went down for a nap. I’m still tired. I’d love to get back into bed, but I must stay up till at least 5. If I fell back asleep now I’d be up around the time I was supposed to be at my appointment on the 3rd and unable to choke my schedule back until then.

SUNDAY, APRIL 24, 2016
Dizzy, dizzy, dizzy and more dizziness! I’ve been experiencing this nearly every single day now, and I have fatigue more often too, where I’m normally plentiful on energy. We’re still guessing it’s connected to the perimenopause as opposed to my thyroid taking more of a hit. I wasn’t even this dizzy or fatigued before raised to my current dose. I might see if I can get to see Dr. A sooner. I have almost every peri symptom there is, but at the same time I still have a fear of taking anything, so I don’t know that I’d want hormonal replacement therapy of any kind. Still, it couldn’t hurt to have my hormone levels tested. It isn’t a terrifying feeling like when I had killer anxiety on the higher thyroid doses, but it’s highly annoying.

I asked Tammy her opinion. I told her she better get better herself as who else would I have to play the picture game with? LOL, yeah, I change blog backgrounds on Blogger every time I post, and I add graphics that’ll show on Facebook and Google+. I delete them from the actual posts after they’re published so the blog won’t appear too cluttered with various graphics.

I’ve lost 4 pounds since getting my juicer. If I lose 4 more I’ll either wonder if I’ve got some whole new disease I don’t yet know about, or if juicing really is the miracle some people claim it is. More than likely the weight will reset itself on its own. I can see where juicing would make us healthier, but I don’t see the logic in the weight loss part since it’s still the same stuff whether it’s in a juiced or solid state.

Yesterday I juiced my two remaining tomatoes. It was better than store-bought tomato juice, but still not anything I want to juice in the future. At least not by itself.

Today I made a Sweet Potato Pie. This uses a sweet potato, 2 apples, and 6 carrots. It’s pretty good.

Got the display case and now 2 wolves and 7 dogs live in it. It looks great. The only thing I might change is I’d prefer a white base to a black base because then the animals would stand out better. Definitely going to get more of these at some point.

Later…

Hoodie’s looking terrible these days, but at over 2 years of age, that’s old for a rat. He’s less active, withering away, losing fur, and not breathing well. I hope the poor guy isn’t suffering. He’s still eating, though, so that’s good. It’s typical of an old rat as sad as it is.

Since getting hooked on rats in 1998, I see a definite pattern with all the rats I’ve had over the years. This may sound “racist,” but solid-colored rats seem to have friendlier personalities than those with markings. The only outstanding marked rats we’ve had were Ratsy and Little Buddy. We only had 3 solid light ones in which Blondie and Sugar (a Himalayan) were fantastic rats. We’ve had 4 Berkshires (dark brown with white feet) and Tinkerboy and Scuttles were great. Lastly, 2 out of the 3 traditional brown rats we had were also awesome… Tinkerbell, Little Fella, and one that died shortly after we got her.

I can’t believe how much better my hair has looked and felt since getting a trim and the Paul Mitchell serum.

Tom’s got over $150 worth of gift cards from work to play with… Chili’s, an Amex card, and something else. The problem is the guy has so little free time for fun things.

Last night I dreamed of some guy who seemed to be upset that I hadn’t visited his blog. I don’t know where we were, but he and some girl were chatting nearby. I walked up to them and knew they were upset that I hadn’t been to the blog. I had a few long index cards in my hand and offered a blank one to the girl who accepted it without saying anything.

Then I woke up at 3:30 and was pissed to be up that early since I had an upcoming appointment. My bedroom looked different, though. Where the window by the closet was there was a door instead. My first thought was that it was the crack of dawn, but when I opened the door I could see that the faint sliver of “light” was actually from the full moon shining above. It was windy too, and I could see clouds sailing across the moon at a rather rapid pace. I thought it looked really cool despite my somber mood.

Donna A was in another dream, though her last name was Blakely. I walked up to a long table where several pieces of mail sat. Donna was on the other side of the table sorting through it. I saw a small package that was addressed to me. I happily said, “Ooh, a package for me?”

Then she handed me an article she’d written. Although the article made absolutely no sense to me I noted and commented on how superbly written it was.

SATURDAY, APRIL 23, 2016
Where the night before last I was hot flashing my ass off, last night I was freezing. It was chilly and rainy yesterday so the temp dropped lower last night. I guess I should sleep with the temp set at 68° instead of 67° whenever possible. When I got up to pee at 3:30 I had to turn the fan off.

Loved how quiet the rain kept things yesterday, though sure enough, late in the afternoon I could hear something loud and steady running somewhere for an hour or two. It might have been just outside the park. A carpet cleaning truck maybe?

Got up at 7:30 and Tom, who had been up for about an hour, took his shower after I took my pill. He then showered and we took our empty bellies to the lab. Not surprisingly, we had to wait a while. Of course there was a screaming brat whose mother rudely blasted a cartoon on her tablet for it. Brat screamed like a hyena once she was called in. I felt a little bad for her then.

We were both taken to a room in back by a kind and competent girl I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before. She had no problem with a butterfly needle and didn’t tie the tourniquet too tight. Sometimes the tourniquet can be worse than the needle or any bruising that may occur. Yet she quickly got 3 vials without leaving me bruised.

She had to pull 4 vials from Tom and he even had to pee in a cup. While she was tending to us she was telling us this horrible but not at all surprising story about a 5-year-old boy who slapped and swore at his mother as she was trying to draw his blood. Meanwhile, the mother was singing the alphabet to him. Then the little bastard pulled the needle out of his arm and hit her in the face all the while Daddy just stood by wordlessly. I’d be doing a long prison sentence right about now for knocking the animal unconscious!

Kids of today are absolutely horrible. Just total animalistic, selfish, rude brats with seemingly no concern for anyone but themselves, and the parents that help create them are even scarier. What will the world be like 20-30 years from now when these things are running so much of it?

So we each used the bathroom afterward and when Tom came out I looked at his hand and said, “You were supposed to leave the apple juice in the bathroom, hun.” But I guess they had a place down the hall to deposit the pissers.

She said the blood would be leaving the lab at 1pm, but I doubt I’ll be able to see the results online till around Wednesday.

Later…

Waited until the daily landscaping racket, which unfortunately extends into the late afternoons at this time of year, died down enough so I could concentrate on a second entry.

Began reading An Act of Deceit. It’s another Jennifer Jennings mystery. Probably won’t work on my own book till after the weekend.

After we left the lab this morning we stopped at Sam’s and got a few things. One of those things was a pack of 8 knives for cutting fruits, veggies and breads. What’s cool about the knives is that they have pictures of what they’re for on the blades, and each one has a different color handle and matching case you slide it in to protect it. I’m surprised the set was just $20.

Don’t know that I’ll be cutting as many fruits and veggies now that we have the juicer, but they’ll still come in handy. The two large knives we had were old and dull.

Another gadget I’d love to try is an air fryer. I didn’t even know any such thing existed till I came across a sweep for one.

Gonna grab a facial brush next time we do an Amazon order, which will probably be this weekend since the rats need bedding. It’s a small soft rotating brush, and I like how it removes dry, flaky skin. It does a better job than a washcloth, bath puff or even bath gloves. They even make pink ones now. My MIL gave me a white one in Maricopa and I miss having one.

What I REALLY can’t wait for is our 3D floor!

We went on a bike ride when we got home, then he took down the shower doors in the second bath so I could clean them easier, and sprayed the patio and outer windows for bugs.

FRIDAY, APRIL 22, 2016
Last night I slept horribly. It’s like I was on fire and I kept waking up constantly as I had the hot flashes from hell. My heart pounded and I had to take a lorazepam to relax myself back to sleep. How many more years is this shit going to go on?

Hate being cold (when I’m awake) but I love how today’s rain is keeping things quiet. This should be it as far as rain goes until the fall.

I heard what I thought was that mysterious early-morning hammering again yesterday, and now I’m thinking that it might be that woodpecker Tom heard and not Bob or someone near him. I heard it at 7:15 yesterday morning and I looked out front to find that next door’s garage door was shut. I can’t believe he would be in there doing his projects that early despite how early he gets up, and I couldn’t see any light coming from the garage window. Makes me wonder how many peckers I might have mistaken for pests.

Yesterday afternoon I saw a couple of cop cars drive around the circle. They seemed to be there for eight minutes although I have no idea what house they went to or why.

This morning I juiced half a bag of green seedless grapes with two medium-sized tomatoes and it came out great. Very refreshing.

Other than that, I’m having a relaxing day. Besides my online work I’m doing laundry and I just finished making out the grocery list.

Gotta remember not to eat or drink anything other than water when I get up tomorrow because we’re both going to the labs. Trying not to worry about thyroid and cholesterol numbers, and god forbid anything new wrong with me they might discover, though I don’t see why they would.

I had a dream last night that I was in some Austrian jail, only everybody knew English and they all sounded American, LOL.

THURSDAY, APRIL 21, 2016
Tom got a 65¢ raise. A bit insulting, but an extra $100 a month, which is better than nothing. So now he makes a little over $17 an hour.

Made homemade OJ today and it’s pretty good. Later I’ll try juicing some green grapes and see how that comes out.

Because I felt lightheaded and just plain yucky for about 4 hours yesterday, I’m going to work out at home rather than outdoors today.

It’s going to be warm and partly cloudy today, and cool and rainy tomorrow.

In last night’s dreams, I was talking to a couple of guys. One might’ve been older and a doctor. The younger one told me I’d live another 30 years.

Then I was in a room I had been sharing with Tammy (a hotel?). I realized I had to start packing. Tears stung my eyes for some reason, though I’m not sure if I was happy or sad. I started packing a vase in a large square box when I realized it would really be smart of me if I wrapped the breakables in newspaper or something.

Then I went to pee, realizing that there’d no longer be any free toilet paper and that she could walk in on me while I was peeing since I’d left the door open. But decided the odds were in my favor, and they were.

Next thing I know I’m in a slow-moving car, needing to get my bike and panties that were about a block away.

Later…

So Cali’s gonna start giving free medical to illegal children. Fucking figures. We won’t do shit for our own, but hey, anything for a foreigner, right? Now we’re going to get swarmed big time with illegals! How can these stupid shits not see this? Just how fucking stupid can these people be that sign these things into law???

I don’t think illegals even deserve the benefit of emergency treatment. Then again, it’s not so much that they don’t deserve it as it is not right. Just like the police can run a person’s name to check for warrants, hospital personnel should be able to run people’s names and turn down those who are illegal, dying or not. Maybe that would teach these fuckers a lesson about coming and rudely and selfishly taking for free, whether the law says they can or not, what so many natives have to pay for that they can’t afford to pay for.

sighs with confusion and frustration I’ll never get people. They say life isn’t fair, but do we have to go out of our way to MAKE it unfair? Really let’s just open our borders and say, “Come on over and take what you want. It’s all on us.”

So now parents can bring their little illegals by the dozens. You know, the ones they never should’ve had in the first place if they knew they couldn’t afford to take care of them? Seriously, when can it be the other way around? When can I go to Mexico and get free dental care? When will someone else pay MY medical expenses? So far it’s all been just me paying for what’s not covered. That hardly seems fair, does it? I oughta make some other country I don’t belong in pay for my shit for once.

I saw a documentary on this poor girl in India who was raped and killed by a couple of guys. When they interviewed one of the wives, the wife said, “A husband’s job is to protect his wife. Who will protect me now?” Then she turned to her little boy and said she’d have no choice but to strangle him, and she no longer wanted to live either.

She should’ve said that here. Here she would have been arrested for threatening her son’s life, and then she would have been told to get a job and protect her own damn ass once she was released. Seriously you’re a real wimp if you need a man to protect you. India’s women are so damn lazy, though it’s the men that force them to be that way. They can’t even drive in India and most Middle Eastern countries. Funny too, cuz no one would ever have given me shit for my driving phobia and lack of an outside job if I lived there, would they?

Man, I gotta stop reading the news! Damn Facebook for shoving it in our faces like they do. Some poor teenage girl was killed by several students over a boy of all things in a Delaware high school bathroom.

Kids of today make me sick! Then again, the parents who set the wonderful examples they set for them and that allow them to be the way they are makes me a little bit sicker.

Wonder if these little murderers will feel any guilt ten, twenty years from now. Or will they just look back, shrug it off, and say they were just young, naïve, stupid, and didn’t mean anything by it? My guess is the latter.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 20, 2016
22 Dutch lessons to go!

I would have done my entry sooner. It’s just that I felt pretty shitty there for a while. I don’t know what happened. I still don’t feel all that great. It started with me getting very lightheaded and then I felt very weak and cold. Lightheadedness has been happening more often to me, and while I assume it’s connected to the peri-menopause or my ear, I should probably ask Dr. A about it when I see her in June. Usually, it’s just annoying, but this time around it started to get a little scary. Maybe because I’m alone right now. I go from hot to cold and it’s like something’s sapped the energy right out of me. Frustrating too, because while I don’t want to lie around and dwell on it, I don’t have much energy to divert my mind either. I’m working on it, though.

Life isn’t all bad. I got a great start on my story yesterday with over 2,500 words. This is the idea I got from a dream. I was thinking of having something along the lines of a woman who is comfortable but bored with her lazy, overly predictable husband. She then meets a younger guy who is intriguing and interesting in many ways that she finds new and exciting. What she doesn’t know is that he’s an FBI agent investigating her, and when her husband is killed and she is harmed and ends up in the hospital, that’s when he tells her what’s going on and takes her to his place to keep her safe. Where most stories have a happy ending, I was thinking I might have a sad or scary ending to this one just to be less predictable. I don’t have the entire plot mapped out yet. All I can say is that it will be my first book with all straight characters and all fictitious characters. Normally I base one or two characters on someone I know or have at least seen somewhere. If I could ever feel better enough to muster up more energy I will work on it throughout most of the day since I don’t have much else to do at the moment other than worry about labs and doctor’s appointments. We’re both going to the lab this Saturday actually. Please God, if you exist, please don’t give me new health issues simply because nothing else is going on with me right now (not poor, not being legally screwed, etc.).

Yesterday I saw a guy putting the white shutters back up across the street on the gray house, only he put just the outside shutters on the two windows and not the inside shutters, so I don’t know what’s going on over there.

The white trucks that work on Jackie’s place weren’t around, but I’m sure there will be something going on today somewhere. There always is.

My latest juicing experiment has been making carrot juice and it’s surprisingly good. I don’t get myself at times. I can’t stand carrots yet I like carrot juice. Same goes for oranges. Yet it’s the other way around with tomatoes. I’ll eat tomatoes but I won’t touch tomato juice.

Last night I dreamed that my friend Kim lived here and was pregnant. She was telling me she was leaving the state and I was disappointed but happy for her. In real life, I have oftentimes wished we could have spent a little more time in each other’s lives. But since we met in 1991, we’ve spent most of the time living three thousand miles apart, and when I lived just next door to her she was a very busy person. She was never one to just sit around.

In another dream, Tom read the start of my current book and really liked it.

Then I had a couple of strange dreams, one in which I had this blood machine at home. It was supposed to draw a certain amount of blood for some reason. I wanted to hurry up and turn it off for fear of it losing its mind and sucking all the blood out of me, but I didn’t want to turn it off too soon either and have to start all over again.

Then in another dream, I opened the front door at the crack of dawn. There was just enough light to see that next door hadn’t yet opened their garage door. I went outside and sort of stumbled down this slope and onto their driveway as I was heading for the street. I hoped no one had seen me because they would probably wonder why I was in their driveway all of a sudden.

I then walked up to a U-Haul-type truck that was parked in the middle of where the street forms a T and opened the back of it to pull out a key. I don’t know what the key was for but it seemed to be important to me for some reason.

In the last dream, I had just finished being examined by one of my doctors. I stepped out of the exam room and suddenly realized I was still in my bra and panties and hadn’t gotten dressed yet. I had a T-shirt dress draped over my arm. I quickly fumbled with it trying to get it open so I could slip into it. The instant I managed to slip it over my head and feel the hem fall to my knees, a line of kids that were around 6 years of age walked by me in a single file.

And then I remembered that all-important key. I started to hurry out and accidentally bumped into one of the kids. I said, “Excuse me, sweetie,” and hurried off to make sure the key was outside the building somewhere where I had left it, and it was.

TUESDAY, APRIL 19, 2016
The daytime continues to be as it usually is… noisy. There’s always something going on around here. Always. Those workers in the white trucks are still doing God knows what at Jackie’s place.

Tom said they even had a live band playing here again after I’d gone into the bedroom the other day, but they only played two songs. I still would’ve been pissed. I did NOT come here to listen to other people’s music. That’s supposed to be a mainstream thing, not an adult community thing.

But even in the middle of the night you can hear/see things when we go out on our late-night walks. Sometimes we like to go in the dead of night when it’s more peaceful and there’s less activity. It depends on both the weather and our schedules.

Both tonight and last night we saw a red vehicle we assumed was either the paper delivery guy or the security guard. The guard doesn’t drive a marked car like he used to.

There was that weird incident at midnight the night before last, and today a car was parked at the top of the “rollercoaster” which is the highest and darkest location in this posh, gated community. I was jogging toward it when Tom quickly steered me away to the other side of the street.

Upon passing the car, both doors appeared to be open and I could make out a guy talking to someone in the passenger seat. No dead body with blood all over the place. I asked Tom what he was so worried about and he said that whenever something seems out of place, the smart thing is to avoid it. Yeah, but why would anyone come in here with ill intentions in the middle of the night, even if they had the code to the gate? Wouldn’t it be easier to commit crimes somewhere outside of the park?

I told him I thought it was more than likely family visiting a sick or dying relative. Tom said it could also be someone with Alzheimer’s who had a psychotic break and may want to kill us simply because they’re convinced we’re monsters.

Well, we’ll see if the car is still up there when he goes to work.

Later…

I’ve been asked if “body parts matter” being bisexual and all that. Nope. I’m pretty much what you’d describe as gender indiscriminate. I know everyone’s different, but for me, personality and overall attraction are what matters. I don’t judge appearance based on any one particular body part but as a whole. If I like you as a person and find you attractive on an overall basis, then your body parts don’t matter. You’re still what I consider attractive, regardless of gender and even race, color and nationality. I may not like certain groups as a whole, but can like certain individuals of those groups if they haven’t personally done anything wrong to me.

I find our mailman attractive just because he’s a nice guy and is handsome as well. Not because he’s a guy. I found my first PCP attractive too, not because she was a woman but because of her general appearance and personality. She was smart, confident, friendly, open-minded and gorgeous.

Having fun learning and experimenting with my new juicer, though I’m still kinda sorry I got the thing. Yesterday’s concoction consisted of 1 medium tomato, 1 celery stalk, 1 carrot, a clump of shredded lettuce, and a couple of handfuls of sugar snap peas. The predominant taste was celery, so perhaps more carrots and peas should be added next time. Not the tastiest drink I ever had, but at least it was drinkable, quite unlike the first green drink I made. Maybe that’s because this wasn’t exactly green. More like brown with a hint of green.

My next drink was just strawberries. I added a packet of fake sugar afterward to sweeten it up a bit.

My last drink was just sugar snap peas. Not that great.

Forget trying to juice avocados or kiwis. They just won’t work. When it was done there was nothing in either hopper. It all ended up mashed against the top cover.

Random thoughts pinged around in my mind as I lay there resting after my workout. They settled on the fact that Tom will be 60 years old in a little over a year from now. That means he more than likely will have 20-25 years left to live. Remember when it was 40 or more? I asked myself. Indeed I do, and a pang of sadness stabbed at my heart when I thought of when he turned 35 shortly after we met and the end was still much further than it was closer.

But he’s still in his 50s, I try to remind myself. Not his 60s. Not his 70s. Not his 80s. We could both die in our 50s tomorrow by getting struck by a meteorite for all we know.

Ugh, death and dying. Wish it wasn’t on my mind so much. Along with what shit may go wrong. Those worries used to be about money and things breaking. Present-day worries, however, tend to be about what could go wrong with our health. How things really do change as we age! We have a different perspective on life. We worry more about the future instead of living in the moment because the future isn’t exactly as futuristic anymore. At least not in the way it was 20 years ago.

It’s still better to try to live in the moment. Therefore, I am thinking about what I may try next with the juicer. Carrot juice? OJ?

We ordered the 3-D tiles for the second bathroom yesterday morning, but since they’re coming from China it could take 2 to 6 weeks to arrive. You would think it would be faster in modern times, but nope.

Later…

I love it when the “dream people” give me various story ideas. Thank you, “Shane.” The dream I had was long and detailed but if I base a story on it, I will obviously add more to it.

Last night I dreamed I was in a large room with a desk in the middle of it. It had a few computers set up on it. The computers looked almost old-fashioned. Either that or they may have had large-screen monitors making them seem bulky. I was fixing myself some coffee, which was set up on a long table against the wall behind the desk chairs and could hear a guy working out in a smaller room, which was off of that room. I knew the guy was partaking in some type of experiment and would be in there for most of the day.

Eventually, I sat between him and some other guy at the computers. I turned to the right and studied the guy who had been working out and noted what great shape he appeared to be in. He was young, perhaps in his late 20s. He had straight sandy brown hair and hazel eyes that were intense in a way I found both creepy and attractive. The guy was quiet. Not shy, just quiet.

Smiling, I sort of hugged him and said, “As fit as you are, anyone who messed with me while you were around would be in big trouble, wouldn’t they?”

He smiled slightly and softly said, “Mmm-hmm,” while still gazing at the monitor before us.

Then the guy to my left who was also in his late 20s said, “Shane here didn’t realize how old you were. He’s shocked. We both are. Thought you were in your 30s or something.”

“Nope,” I said laughing. “Definitely left that age bracket a long time ago.”

Then the dream seemed to accelerate and jump into the future at regular intervals. I became aware of the fact that “Shane” liked me. I was flattered, but worried. He knew I was married and seemed to respect that, but I wondered just how far he might go if he caught me alone someplace.

Then I was hugging him and telling him to keep in touch online.

Then I was turning the corner in some building when I heard his buddy telling him, “She’s older, wiser, mature and probably more experienced than you in a lot of ways, buddy, though I’ve also heard her described as energetic, playful and young at heart. This can fool people into thinking she’s less intelligent than she actually is, so beware of that.”

As soon as the guy went on to talk about “young” things and bright colors, I knew he had to be talking about me.

In another scene, I wanted to settle my curiosity in a way that didn’t come off as nosy and asked the guy about Shane, who I assumed was a lab technician for some reason. So I questioned his friend who frowned with confusion and said, “SSA (inaudible) doesn’t work for no lab.”

I knew what SSA stood for from watching Criminal Minds, and said how shocked I was that he was with the FBI. The guy then said, “Why? You’re the one he’s investigating.”

My jaw dropped and I stood there all the more confused and shocked. I was both intrigued and creeped out. I wanted to learn more about SSA Shane Whatever, but I never wanted to see him again either. Especially alone.

MONDAY, APRIL 18, 2016
Reading Appointment with Murder now by Jennifer Jennings. It’s part of the Sarah Woods box set mysteries I’m reading. I’ve always enjoyed Sarah Woods murder mysteries. This is my 13th audiobook this year. I’d be on 15 or 16 by now if it weren’t for our vacation.

We decided to start with the small bathroom floor to make sure we’re not going to get crap we don’t like or want before ordering designs for the rest of the floors. We settled on pale pink roses growing between large gray oval rocks.

What we’re not sure of is whether or not they scale the images down for smaller floors, or if they just trim more of the edges of a standard-size picture?

If this is as cool as I hope it is, I just might be sorry we re-carpeted the place. How cool it would be to do a whole room in a different theme! In one room we could have grass on the floor, trees on the wall, and a bright sunny sky on the ceiling, making it appear as if you were in a forest. In another, we could be under water. We could have a sandbar on the floor, fish on the walls, and when you looked up it would look like you were just under the surface of the water, a bright blur where the sun would be shining.

Tom said that a woodpecker was beating on the storeroom a couple of days ago and was tremendously loud. So are all the goddamn projects I have to listen to almost every day around here. I thought I’d hear projects about a third of the time. Not two-thirds of the time!

In fact, I can’t even get any peace at midnight. I don’t know what the hell this was all about, but I just heard this insanely loud vehicle and wasn’t sure if it was a car or motorcycle or what the hell it was. It was revving its engine very loudly. I looked out back and saw a guy quickly walking up the hill motioning for someone to follow him. Then I saw that the engine-gunning vehicle was a car. It followed the guy up the hill and around the corner. Again, I have no idea what that was all about but they must live here since the gates are locked at 7 PM.

Had a strange ache in my left hand most of yesterday, but so far today I haven’t felt anything odd.

Went to Walmart yesterday and loaded up on fruits and veggies for the new juicer I’m not so sure I should have gotten. It’s a BITCH to clean, just like people warned me it would be. I also grabbed some bottles with caps and straws to store extras in.

Was all excited to try the chocolate peanut butter flavored coffee K-cups, but they don’t taste very chocolaty or peanut buttery to me.

If I don’t start winning again real soon, I’m not renewing my sweep subscription in May. I have mixed emotions about continuing on. I have watched Robo Form Filler get worse and worse and nothing is ever done to fix it. It’s working less and less that I can’t believe it’s just me experiencing this and that the makers of Robo aren’t aware of it. I don’t understand why they won’t do anything about it either. Robo used to work great, but now I have to hotkey in at least half the info needed when filling out forms. Even with macros set up this takes way longer than Robo, which should be able to do it all in just one click. It isn’t just forms it’s having trouble filling out, but the ‘fill and submit’ almost never works either, and saving passcards is useless because I can’t fill and submit the damn info I’ve saved. I just don’t get it. Am I missing something here?

Sarah did answer a question of mine so I guess she’s not totally ignoring me after all. I asked how often she and Becky would go to the gym they started going to, and she said 6 days a week.

Last night I dreamed I was either watching the news or being told about a little boy they were searching for in the mountains of Iowa.

Then I was pointing at a picture of a large woman online and insisting to Tom that she was proof that the so-called diet product they were selling couldn’t possibly work since she was heavy.

Then Tom was working on some kind of repair or upgrade of someplace we just moved into, though I don’t know where it was. The place appeared to be kind of old. Just inside the bedroom doorway, I could see into the living room and out its window which a tall building lay beyond. Then I realized Tom was now outside in the car waiting for me to go somewhere, so I got up, stepped outside and locked the door behind me.

SUNDAY, APRIL 17, 2016
“Kids talk to imaginary friends they give various names to. Adults talk to an imaginary friend they call God. Only the kids are smart enough to know their friend is just a creation of their own imagination.”

Love this one! Even so, someone on my-diary told me they would say a prayer on my behalf because “anyone who’s stupid enough to believe that an explosion could create life needs all the help they can get!”

Funny, though, how I only need “help” when I disagree with one’s POV or belief. Really, how come I don’t need help when it comes to the things I happen to agree with people on? It’s only when my beliefs differ from others that I “need help.” Funny, ain’t it?

How come their God or whatever they choose to call it is great when something good happens to them? But when something bad happens it’s “God’s will” or simply “meant to be that way?” Never could it be that their God is, well, perhaps not so perfect and loving after all if it even really does exist. I must need help for wondering these things, don’t I? I must!

My favorite color is pink. Is yours blue? Well, if it is then do I need help? Do I need help because I’m not sure if God exists, good or evil? Do I need help because I don’t like the spicy foods and citrus fruits most people like? Do I need help because I’m antisocial and love to spend time with my hubby or by myself? Do I need help because I don’t have any sympathy for most of today’s blacks? Do I need help because I won’t embrace the refugees with open arms? Come on, what else do I need help with? Tell me. There must be tons of things for we can’t all think alike after all, can we? Therefore, I must need help.

But what if I think along the lines of Person A, but not Person B? If Person A thinks I’m A-Okay for thinking/feeling/believing as they do, do I still need help in Person B’s eyes? Hmm… something to ponder, right?

If I got a bleeding heart for blacks and Muslims, got in a car and drove to a job outside of home every day, and believed in a God I expressed much faith in, then damn would I be one seriously loved and ok chica, wouldn’t I?

But then that awful side of me emerges. That true side that just loves to be real and speak her mind. It squeezes to the surface only to piss off, offend, anger, hurt, scar, disrupt and ruin so many lives in such a horrible, atrocious way. OMG, I must, must, must need help!

Help meeeeeee!!!!!

Then again, life has always treated me unfairly, hasn’t it? I’m the girl that would be charged as an accomplice if she were kidnapped and made to do unthinkable things while others would be considered hostages and victims. I’m the kind that would watch others go up and get the people they wanted while I got everyone I didn’t want before meeting Tom. And if I came close as I did with Kasey, I’d lose it pretty damn fast, wouldn’t I?

I wonder, though… what if I’d been straight only? Would I still have had a hard time getting the guys I wanted before meeting Tom? My guess is yes. I couldn’t get Mike M, after all, yet another student got him. I was always very particular, especially when I was younger. Very few people turned me on – like really turned me on – so they were bound to be unobtainable for a variety of reasons.

Found the perfect recipient for my dream journal. They’re on one of the curves along OL and have a box for newspapers and magazines. It’s right on the road and there are no neighbors across the street.

Dreamed that Tom and I were getting into the pool. In the dream, a cluster of mailboxes was nearby. We passed Joe as he was loading them up with the day’s mail and exchanged greetings.

I then got into the pool, which had two sets of steps, one at each front corner. I sort of hopped from one set of steps to the other. I felt self-conscious. Joe was watching me. I wanted to dive under the water and swim to the other end, but the water was a gross cloudy jade green so I didn’t.

SATURDAY, APRIL 16, 2016
I am sooo excited! I can’t wait to redo our floors after the totally AWESOME 3D floor designs I discovered. I pinned my favorites to a board I created just for various ideas.

I know exactly what I want in 2 out of the 4 rooms they’re going in. The one with big bold daisies in yellow, pink and blue will go in the laundry room, and the tropical fish swimming in shallow water will go in the master bath. Excess tiles can maybe be used for backing shelves.

It’s the kitchen and second bath I’m unsure of. I was leaning toward a goldfish pond flanked by grass and flowers in the kitchen, but now I’m thinking a dolphin in the ocean. The second bath is tiny, and I’m tossing up ideas from broken glass to lily ponds with frogs on top of lily pads and fish floating beneath. Or I could do beaches with frothy ocean waves or flowers protruding from between large rocks. The possibilities are endless!

In other news, want to know how to waste $60? Just buy a juicer. Stuff it with kale, spinach, apples, and half a lemon. Take a sip of the green slime and spit it out so fucking fast your loving husband will be laughing so hard he can barely catch his breath as you run for the mouthwash, realizing the place now smells like his weed whacker after it’s been used. OMFG, was that awful! Definitely gotta change up my recipes, even if it means adding more calories/sugar by doing more fruits than veggies.

The only dream I remember was weird. I was checking out these 5 shirts and I knew that I had to wear the same one for one whole month at a time. Two were alike, so I made a mental note not to wear them back to back so I wouldn’t be wearing the same color and design for two months in a row.

FRIDAY, APRIL 15, 2016
I stumbled upon an ad for PetSmart last night. We usually go to Petco. In fact, I don’t think we’ve ever been to a PetSmart since we’ve lived here. Anyway, I was checking out the variety of animals they have to sell. I didn’t know they had pet scorpions. This wouldn’t scare me, but I wouldn’t want one for a pet either.

I was surprised to find that female Dumbo rats live 3-5 years instead of the usual 2 years Fancy rats live. I don’t like the way they look compared to regular rats. I just don’t think they’re as cute with their ears set lower on their heads, but they still may be worth checking out.

What got me a little more excited was that they make diapers for dogs, so my research shows. I don’t know why I didn’t think to look up doggie diapers before, but maybe this way we could have a hypoallergenic dog like a poodle. There are a few small dog breeds that are allergy-friendly. I would prefer a toy poodle as opposed to a miniature. I’ll run it by Tom and see what he thinks. If we wait until he retires before we get a dog, if we ever did get one, we could be dead before the end of the dog’s life, especially if he works until he’s 70.

I didn’t read the article, but saw a headline about a protest over an officer shooting an armed black person. So now the blacks want to be able to get away with wielding guns at cops? It’s like the fuckers expect to be above the law or something! I’m so sick of their shit. I don’t understand how Norma can be so sympathetic towards them, but it seems that most people have a bleeding heart where they’re concerned whether I get it or not.

I still love Norma and I normally admire someone as open-minded as she is. But that open-mindedness seems to be extending to a lot of the wrong types of people. Blacks. Muslims. Just when will your average person treat child molesters with the same respect? It shocks me to say so, but I see a lot of my mother shining through Norma. Not the cruelty, of course, but she seems to be very opinionated and headstrong in ways my mother was and the more you disagree with her, the less fond of you she becomes. She wanted to engage in an argument over blacks with me, but I refused to get into it with her. Obviously, she has never been victimized by blacks or seen firsthand the trouble they can cause.

I think it’s safe to say that I was right in suspecting that the post Sarah shared about some people not fitting into your life no matter how much you want them to was in fact aimed at me. Also, she’s been ignoring my comments. Why doesn’t she just come out and tell me if she has a problem with me, or just delete me?

Either way, I suspect she’s decided she doesn’t like me very much because of my poor taste in jokes about cancer. Either that or my post about not forgiving those who have blocked or dumped me. She’s got to know Lisa blocked me. Or maybe the crack about selfies (she posts quite a few of them).

I notice things, but I don’t worry about them much these days. Meaning that I don’t do the family drama thing anymore and I’m not going to insist she associate with me if she doesn’t want to. The door to my life is always open to walk out of if that’s what someone wants. I’m not going to question her about it either. I’m just going to act like I don’t notice her silence.

sighs A part of me hates to say it but I almost wish they’d all give me a reason to break ties with them. It’d be easier that way, but I still don’t know if that’s what I want or if it would be very smart. Tammy probably couldn’t afford to help us as much as we’d need if he were laid off and we lost the place, but I’d like to know we had someone in our life in whom there was a chance to be helped as much as possible before we decided if we should end it all or not.

Trauma. How it changes you. How it both helps and hurts various aspects of your life. After going through what I went through with the levothyroxine, I’ve found that the thought of homelessness isn’t nearly as scary as it once was, but I also find that some things are now scarier. I was always apprehensive about taking new medications, but now I’m REALLY apprehensive.

I’m disappointed that I haven’t gotten any win notices since having the dream about winning unless you want to call a discount a win. I’m really surprised. I always win something after I have these kinds of dreams. I’m still hopeful that I will get a notification soon enough, but if I don’t I may once again take a break from sweeping. It’s only worth the work if you’re actually winning.

I did seem to come into a lot of money somehow in one of my dreams last night, though I don’t know if I actually won it or not. It seems I was discussing money with some woman and where to live. I said something about not being impressed with the Midwest due to the climate there. We might have been talking about selling stuff too, in preparation to move. I also rescued a starving dog, but I’m not sure if I did it with this same woman or with Tom.

In another dream, I was trying to convince Tom to make a clock invention. I said, “They have clocks that chirp and chime at the hour. Well, how about one that announces how many steps you’ve taken in the last hour?”

And then I was signing to someone in the last dream, only one of my signs was incorrect.

THURSDAY, APRIL 14, 2016
Went out walking at dusk and even picked out the lucky recipient of my dream journal once it’s complete. I decided it might be more likely to be read by someone who found it on their doorstep than by some random person in the clubhouse. I want a house with a door close to the road so I can leave it and walk off with less chance of being seen. I’d do it in the middle of the night, of course. There are a couple of potential readers of my dreams actually. It just would be nice if I could remember more of them so I could finish the damn book.

I mixed running and walking as I usually do. The temperature was perfect and there was just enough light to see. I like to start off chilly because I know I’m going to feel like the temperature rose 10° by the time I get done. The turkeys had settled in the giant Cali oaks for the night. I could see them above me as I walked by the area alongside the ditch. Amazing how such huge birds can sleep up there without falling out, even though they could just flap their wings and keep from being injured. I wonder if the fugly things ever get cold up there at night or if the summer heat ever gets to them. Or are they completely oblivious to temperature?

There were still quite a few cars going by, but no people. Never heard any barking inside or outside the park nor did I hear any loud music. It was quite peaceful actually.

Tom was at the door when I got back and said he was just about to go looking for me as it seemed like I’d been gone a long time, like 40 minutes. Really? I didn’t wear my Fitbit, but it felt like it was the typical half-hour. I talk less and move faster when I work out alone.

Wore my Fitbit to bed and my HR dropped to 64 and spiked to 95 upon waking up. Because I’m not wearing it all the time these days I laughed when it tried to tell me my average RHR was 77. LOL, try 85-90. My fast ticker in conjunction with perimenopause is why I can’t handle higher doses of levothyroxine, thus keeping my numbers almost perfect instead of perfect. Trust me, I’d have my numbers totally off the charts before I went through the hell I went through ever again! I’ve been feeling FABULOUS and I would like to keep it that way. So no going over 75 mcgs of levothyroxine and no returning to statins.

Tammy’s probably going to laugh at this one just like I laughed at Tom’s attempt to speak some of the Dutch words I’ve learned. When discussing my juicing plans with Tom I said, “That way I can get rid of all my cholesterol and there should be no more left in me.”

But then he reminded me that some cholesterol is both good and necessary and that our bodies produce it much like sugar and sodium. Yeah, but hopefully my body isn’t producing so damn much of it with my thyroid treated and me avoiding cholesterol as much as I can.

He stopped at Walmart after work for his BP meds and my thyroid meds and grabbed a cooked pizza for the first time. It wasn’t that bad at all. Glad I love to run. This way, while I’ll never lose more weight, I’ll at least not gain either.

Really wish Amazon could stick to their delivery dates. We ordered a middle-of-the-road juicer (I’ll get a better one later on if I really like this one), and it was supposed to arrive today. Instead, it’s not going to be here till Friday. I got the produce ready to make Green Lemonade. Got this recipe from a juicing site.

Later…

Finished all the episodes of Criminal Minds on Netflix that I wanted to watch, and now I’m trying out CSI Miami. Haven’t watched enough yet to really get a sense of whether or not I can get into it.

So Leslie Van Houten is up for parole for something like the 21st time. I was only 4 when the Tate/Labianca murders went down. What I don’t get is how she’s eligible for parole with two kills while Jodi Arias gets life without parole for just one kill. I guess that’s just our typical twisted laws for you. I wouldn’t worry for myself much if I beat someone up, but if I hurt someone’s feelings or offended them… the law could come after me like I’d just kicked the crap out of a dozen old ladies or something.

My opinion on whether or not she should be set free is mixed. Would she really have gone down the path she went down if she never met Charles Manson? Should she still be punished for something she did when she was just 19 years old? Where could she possibly go if she were set free? I doubt she has much in the way of family or anyone who would give a shit about her, family or not, and where could she go that would actually be safe for her? I don’t believe she would harm anybody, but I think others would try to harm her. As it is I don’t understand why no one’s killed Casey Anthony yet.

On the flip side, what she did was totally heinous, and if most of us won’t even forgive someone for offending us, then why should we forgive a murderess and give her her freedom?

Speaking of forgiveness and all that… I’ve also been asked if I would forgive and or speak to Nane if she contacted me. I don’t know that either. Meaning the answer’s the same as I gave when asked about Aly. It would probably depend on what mood I was in at the time. Bad mood = a tendency to focus on a person’s negative traits. Good mood = a tendency to look at their good side and why I once cared about them in the first place.

My general rule, however, is “Never forgive, never forget.” And when I speak of “forgiving,” I mean allowing someone back into my life who has been absent from it. Generally speaking, I don’t allow re-entry because past experience has taught me that this is just giving them an opportunity to screw me again, one which they won’t usually pass up.

But again, I can’t predict for sure how I’d react to hearing from them in the future, not that they’re going to contact me. Therefore, we won’t be finding out how I’d react. They may at least be reading my journal, though. Aly, I don’t know because she usually prefers my-diary because I can’t track visitors there. If she’s reading me elsewhere then she’s flying under radar. Germany is runner-up to my US visitors on Blogger and I wonder if that could be connected to Nane, Christiane or both, but it doesn’t matter either way. They can read or not read same as anyone else I make my stuff public to.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 13, 2016
Some people have asked if I’d respond to Alison should she ever contact me in the future. Truthfully, I don’t know. I just don’t know. I’d like to think that I wouldn’t because that would be the smarter and safer thing to do, but I think it would depend on what mood I was in at the time. If I was in a good mood I would be more likely to focus on her good points. In a bad mood, I would remember her negative traits.

All I do know is that people will always have a problem with you if you have any complaints or anything negative to say about them, no matter how justified your words maybe. Yes, I would score more points with people and have a lot more friends if I kept my mouth shut whenever anybody said or did anything I found offensive or even just slightly bothersome in any way, but I can’t live that way. I would not only be being untrue to myself but not very honest with the person as well if I didn’t speak up. This doesn’t mean I would say something about every single little thing, but when up bunch of little things add up or something big has occurred that really gets to me; I just have to say something. I’m just not one of those who can sit back and take shit as much as I sometimes wish I could be.

I know I’m not perfect myself. I can be impatient, selfish, and sometimes not very tolerant. I need to work on that and I know this. But at the same time, I’m just me being me, like it or not. Sure, some might see my not being open to future friendships as a bad thing, but if it’s bad to look out for myself and avoid any potential headaches and hassles, then I could really get used to being bad. ;)

TUESDAY, APRIL 12, 2016
My reward for regular workouts: 3 chicken legs, a heaping pile of mashed potatoes, 2 servings of Jelly Belly’s = 0 pounds gained.

Binges are normally reserved for weekends, but we stopped at Raley’s on the way home from my ENT appointment for some hot food and treats.

Doc visit was quick and painless. Won’t see her again till October.

On our way there, a young heavyset woman was walking down the street in our direction and appeared to be chatting animatedly with absolutely no one at all. But as she grew closer I could see the little earbud cord with the microphone. Even Tom thought she was crazy at first, LOL.

I’m thinking of getting a juicer and eventually replacing all but one meal with a juice “shake” consisting of various fruits and veggies. I found a site with several recipes to try. I doubt I’ll lose weight cuz of my age and thyroid, but it’ll make me even healthier and save money by buying more fresh produce than expensive TV dinners. A lot of the recipes cleanse and detox you and can be good for those with high cholesterol, blood pressure, and other issues.

Still not remembering much in the way of dreams. Just a quick flash of Dr. A in a little canoe or rowboat. Not sure if I was watching her in person or through a video, but she and someone else were paddling their way through a lily pond.

MONDAY, APRIL 11, 2016
A Blogger friend reminded me that true friends stick with us no matter what. Always.

She’s right. She’s totally a hundred percent right. Thanks for reminding me who my true friends are, Lady Lagoon!

Despite her logic, I think we always have mixed emotions when a close friendship – or at least one we thought was close – ends, whether they cut ties with us or we decided it was best to cut ties with them.

Having trouble deciding what sites I want to continue sharing copies of my journals on. I can pretty much rule out LiveJournal and my-diary, but will definitely keep writing on Prosebox. Blogger and Facebook are up in the air at this time. I deleted most of the year’s entries on Blogger, but a part of me regrets it. Maybe I’ll copy them back over later on.

Did a lot of work and cleaning today, then we went for a bike ride when he got home.

I’m also having trouble remembering my dreams lately, which sucks, but life is otherwise good. Gotta see my ENT tomorrow.

My tooth started feeling better just hours after the dentist put my permanent crown on, so no root canals or pulling that tooth altogether!

Got some goodies in the mail today. My most flexible (Asian) Barbie ever. She’s way cool. Got a few animal figures, and then the other diffuser. Also in the mail today was my “window” overlooking the lush green park with the cherry trees blooming. That’s now above the little table in the bedroom.

I don’t know why, but sometimes I will look someone up on Facebook and not be able to find them. Then after some time, I try again and there they are. Well, I found my dental hygienist, Holly Clark. Through her, I found Shannan Whitlaw, the dental assistant. I sent messages that I doubt they’ll get. A part of me regretted doing that afterward as once again that’s just me going to them. Why can’t somebody seek me out for once?

As much as I sometimes would like to be surrounded by people - good people and not just any people – I won’t let myself make any more friends and I still value my solitude when I’m not feeling like shit. I’m just too old for any more drama. I love old people, but I could never be friends with the people I was doing aerobics with in the way that I could be friends with somebody like Shannan or even Kathleen. Comparing Shannon and Kathleen with the people I’ve met here is like comparing my mother to Tom. There really is no comparison. Sure they may have some similar traits, but it’s just not the same. What I’m saying is that I would rather be friends with people like Shannon and Kathleen, but at the same time, I don’t want to be friends with anybody.

While I’m not physically attracted to any of these women, Shannan has a very appealing personality. She seems very sensitive, nurturing, intelligent and open-minded. I’m sure she’s a great mom, too. I can picture her to be a very fun and doting mom. Her two daughters are adorable (part black?), though I could’ve sworn she said she had a son.

She’s single and yet another pretty face on a large body. She’s very pleasant-looking despite her weight, though.

Anyway, she’s single and lives in Citrus Heights. Holly’s married and lives in Loomis. Kathleen’s married because I remember seeing a ring on her finger. Holly and Kathleen are older and very skinny. Shannan’s 34.

SUNDAY, APRIL 10, 2016
Sometimes I miss checking in with Aly. I still can’t believe she dumped me. I was hurt and angry, but mostly stunned. Yet resuming our friendship would be hard for me, I would think, because I’d always be wondering if something I said was going to get me dumped again. I’m not her type. I get that. Still shocks me just the same that she of all people dumped me. I really really thought she cared about me, even if I may be nothing like the kinds of friends she prefers to have.

Although I firmly believe that she’ll beat her leukemia based on the treatments available today and the fact that she’s survived other things, it would be sad to know she died hating me if she didn’t make it. I never meant to intentionally offend or hurt her with my honesty. Really I didn’t!

Either way, I don’t doubt that she’ll make it. Not just for the reasons I stated, but also due to not having any dreams suggesting she’s in serious danger, and the fact that it’s human nature for the less seriously ill to discuss their health issues more freely. It’s those who are serious who are reluctant to talk about things, as if not putting it into words can keep it from becoming real.

How has her dumping me affected me? Well, I guess you could say it has made me want to withdraw even more from people in general, though I’m not much of a social butterfly anyway. I’m friendly and I’m not shy when out in public or something like that, but I don’t go out of my way to socialize and rack up friends. It really is safer and there really are fewer headaches if you don’t have many friends. Just looking out for myself, selfish or not. :)

I knew I shouldn’t have bothered to check in on Facebook today other than to enter the sweeps that are run through there. I got a friend request from what appeared to be a legit account. Figured she was from one of the sites I write at, but sure enough, she messages me to offer me a body wrap, even though she’s on the other side of the country.

The spammers aren’t the only ones that have me sick of Facebook. I only hear from the same few people, the trending news they force on us is depressing, and most people post the same old shit every day. I won’t even bother to get into the glitches and lack of privacy. I would prefer people not to be able to see when I was last on, but of course they can.

We went for another walk today. It was slightly warm and muggy, and oh the car stereos and mutts! But it was still nice to get out in the fresh air and get our exercise.

SATURDAY, APRIL 9, 2016
I shall begin avoiding Facebook more often because I’m just sick of hearing from the same damn people while others basically ignore me.

Someone tried to hack my Twitter account. I got a notification saying someone attempted to log in from a different device. Someone connected to Ruth and Polly? Aly? Arizona? A stranger?

My guess is a stranger. My extended “family” shouldn’t know about that email addy, and I would think Aly wouldn’t attempt it but would just do it if she were looking to hack me. She has – or at least has had – access to PW-breaking software. I also can’t believe Aly would be that curious about what I’m tweeting (my account is protected). She made it clear to me last month that she no longer gives a damn about me.

I would bet that the email was pulled off of a spam list. That particular email addy is very old and I’ve used it for many things.

There’s a possibility it’s connected to the shitsters in Arizona, but unlikely. Booted off the force or not, a former pig could break into my accounts if it wanted to bad enough. Also, his little friends that he protected…those are criminals. I’m sure they too, could find a way into my shit.

Later…

Just made an order on Amazon. I’m getting a pillow with shredded memory foam that will hopefully be more comfortable for sleeping on my stomach. With my other one, I feel like my neck is cranked back too much.

I’m adding 6 animals to my collection of miniatures… a macaw, a swan with babies on her back, a horse and rider, a greyhound, a collie, and a donkey. I’m getting a case for them and whatever others I can fit into it. If I like it, I’ll get additional cases to accommodate my 100+ piece collection so I don’t have to dust them all.

I’m also getting another oil diffuser like the color-changing LED one I got not too long ago. This way I can have one in the living room and one in the bedroom.

I’m getting my first Barbie in quite a while. This one is said to be the most flexible ever and I’m curious to see just how poseable it really is.

Lastly, I’m getting 50 scented feminine bags. I really liked the bags on the ship and how I could get them out of view and reduce any odors by wrapping them up in bags. These are plastic bags with handle ties, though, not paper bags like the ship had. I just used the last of the ones I got on the ship, and assuming I still have a few more years of periods to go, 50 bags should last about 2 years.

I’m fine with my ear doctor next Tuesday, but I’m getting a bit nervous as I get closer to the labs and my endo. I just have to remind myself that I’m not a child and I’m not in jail. No one can make me do anything I don’t want to do.

Read this really cool article about a guy who had a seizure and went to the ER. It was the first time a medical team used a Fitbit tracker to determine if his heart was irregular during just the seizure, or if it was a chronic problem. Turns out it was just during the seizure. It’s cool to be able to look back and see this sort of thing, just like I can look back at my life through the years in my journals.

Fitbit allowed me to “see” a bedtime beatathon once. I can just imagine the readings had I been able to see the fierce ones I was having if we’d gotten our Fits sooner. The call-Tom-at-work-and-take-a-lorazepam kind of racing heart.

Felt a bit anxious earlier, so I ate a TV dinner with chicken in it. I fear a setback all the time. My worst fear would be to go through what I went through all over again with NO changes made to my meds and then to have to scramble all over again for god knows how many months - or years - to figure out why. Could this possibly happen? I fear it cuz life has proven that the past can return to haunt us.

It’s been a very peaceful Saturday. We even went walking/running in the rain. It rained lightly the whole time and was a pleasant rain since it was in the low 60s. I won’t go out running in the rain in the dead of winter. Too cold then. But this was a refreshing rain. I’m glad it didn’t come down really hard, though, so our clothes didn’t end up totally soaked.

Not many turkeys were out. I guess they don’t like the rain as much.

After researching the doll I got from Goodwill, I found it’s an Ashton-Drake doll by Gail Ferretti. I’m not surprised given the appearance of its face and body size. This type of doll usually goes for $60 - $100 and I got it for less than $5. Not bad.

It’s amazing what a 3D printer can do. Tom printed little bracket holders for a strip light, which he placed under his desk. This way it can shine down on the solar keyboard on the keyboard tray below it to keep it charged.

Last night I dreamed of driving a strange car that was operated by push buttons. Then I was chatting with a woman in a hotel lobby. After a while, we were laughing about something we had been discussing, and then I excused myself to go meet Tom up in our room. She seemed very unhappy about the idea of me leaving. Like I was rudely rejecting her or something. Pretending not to notice, I left anyway.

FRIDAY, APRIL 8, 2016
Starting off on a furious note. Facebook really needs to stop shoving the news in our faces. Reading that a teacher was put on PAID LEAVE after a video that clearly shows her beating a student over the head – though I don’t know what the student might’ve said or did – is infuriating. She gets a paid vacation (no jail) yet no one paid me to speak my mind to the freeloaders. Oh no, I was the one to pay instead.

Facebook recommends people we may know, and there’s a seemingly empty account in Tom’s name. There is a profile pic of a young guy. I sent a message saying, “Bet I can guess who’s behind this account.” Sure enough, no reply.

Kim? Aly?

Had a little fun with Polly and Ruth. I wasn’t going to write about it, but hey, I didn’t break any laws. Just pissed them off, no doubt. I know that’s the way it should’ve been with the freeloaders, but I’m also a lot smarter than I was in 1999. I won’t let anyone fuck with me. I did what I did, was quick about it, and now I’m gone. In like a fierce wind and out like a calm breeze.

I didn’t do anything all that extravagant. I just messaged them and a few others related to them, possibly Polly’s sons and I guess her daughter. Then I added one son and later saw the ‘add friend’ button disappear, knowing he’d prevented me from sending additional requests. I also shared a pic of Polly’s and she responded by going private.

Ruth and Polly both seem to work for the PTA in CT where Polly lives, and I not only sent an email to each one there, but I replied to a comment of Polly’s in a group she had some guy create for her pertaining to the school. I was blocked from that group. Lastly, I tweeted to her daughter who has a protected Twitter account.

Pretty sure the daughter got the tweet because her “likes” are going up. But why didn’t she block me there, and why didn’t Polly and her sons block me on Facebook? Hoping to gather more “evidence?” Well, that they’re not going to get. :)

As usual, I got absolutely nothing from Tammy about my dentist appointment today despite my taking the time to ask about her appointments, even if she’s going through more serious stuff than I am.

Today’s appointment was rough, but a lot shorter than the last one. The permanent crown is now in place. I forgot that Shannon doesn’t work Fridays. Jackie does. So she’s the one that assisted the dentist.

We chatted with Kathleen in the waiting room. She’s so nice, too. They loved my sparkly dress and shoes. Yeah, I’m the color and shine fanatic alright.

She gave us a $10 Subway card since they were a little late.

So Jackie took me in back and said to let her know if I felt any discomfort as she gently began tugging on my temporary crown. Oh, I let her know alright. The doctor numbed me up, which hurt like hell at first as the needle went in because I was already irritated. I told them I’d been having pain ever since the temp cap went on and they said this was normal and that the permanent one would seal better. I figured and hoped as much, though there is still a chance I may need a root canal at which time I would probably ask the doctor to just pull it since it’s way in back. She said she’s not ready to give up hope yet, so we should give it a week. Jackie said one can feel discomfort 4 weeks after any dental procedure. I’m as hopeful as the doctor, though. As it is, I’m not in as much pain right now as I expected to be.

It didn’t tickle as the doc installed the permanent crown, but it only took a few seconds and then that was it. All Jackie had to do was clean up excess cement and check my bite and I was good to go.

It was cold in there, as the doctor agreed, and she was kind enough to cover me with a blanket. I told her I’d only won once since I last saw her (the expensive facial serum I’m not very impressed with) and she told me that was way more than she’d ever win, haha. She then told me it was ok to floss around that tooth and that I could eat right away, and wished me a good weekend.

I’m not big on Subway, though I’d probably like a couple of their grinders that include beef. But I was sore and I have labs coming up in a few weeks so I’m trying to avoid cholesterol. I just got a double chocolate chip cookie and some chips with a fruity drink. Not very healthy, but I wasn’t in the mood to care.

I shopped more than I ate. We went treasure hunting at Goodwill. It’s funny… we can easily afford expensive stores that sell brand new stuff, which we do go to, but there’s just something about being surprised with old treasures at Goodwill that we love. You go into Target or something, you pretty much know what you’re in for. You go to GW, and you just never know.

I got a Dalmatian figurine very similar to the one I got from them not too long ago. It’s similar in size only it’s lighter in weight and its spots are lighter in color.

Then I got a miniature doll in hot pink (my fave) and a couple of porcelain dolls, only one isn’t for adding to my collection. I wanted to scalp her. Sounds scary, I know, LOL. I have a GW doll with a nice face but crappy hair. So I yanked the nice blond braids off of this pitifully phony, ugly and clownish 1989 Heritage Mint Collection doll and gave it to her. I love restoring and “modernizing” old dolls. I kept her dress, even though it’s a bit old-fashioned for my tastes.

The other doll is in a sitting position and has a fantastic face. Very nice smile and realistic eyes. She wears a cute pale pink dress. Good wig, too.

Tom loves to browse the electronics section but he didn’t find anything he wanted.

We bombed the place before leaving and aired it out for a while when we got back. I waited in the driveway with the rats because the smell Tom claimed was “not bad” was rather overpowering at first.

It was a beautiful day out. The front of our place looks gorgeous right now with the multicolored azaleas in bloom. It’s supposed to cool down and rain again, though.

Naturally, the peace was tarnished a bit by the corner guy’s hammering and workers doing something at Dusty’s place. I think they were going under the house to look for water leaks.

Waved at one of the new ladies who recently moved in, but we haven’t officially met or talked yet.

Then, between my appointment, the ibuprofen I’d taken, and getting up early so many days in a row, I took a 2.5-hour much-needed nap. It felt so good, too. :)

We decided I wouldn’t bother trying to hold my schedule anymore. I’m going to just “roll with the punches” as usual. Besides, I need to be up during the nighttime at times so I can really enjoy the peace.

Last night I dreamed I was showing Tammy my fake ear canal and the thing kept opening and closing while I was at it.

Then, when I got thrown in jail, this time there was a beautiful warden who seemed to really like me. She took me out to some dinner function or something like that one night, and I said I hoped she’d look me up on Facebook in a few months when I got released.

THURSDAY, APRIL 7, 2016
As I mentioned recently, I had a dream that Tom got a raise. Well, they did in fact announce that he is going to get a raise but we don’t know yet how much it’s going to be.

They worked on the house across the street for a little bit yesterday, but now I don’t think they’re working on the trellis that extends over their porch. It looks like he painted these wooden planks white and framed the windows with them. The old shutters are still sitting down beside the house, though, so I don’t know what they’re going to do next. I’m sure that if they don’t do something, someone else around here will and I’ll have to hear all about it.

It has otherwise been peaceful and the weather has been summery. I love it. The only thing I don’t like about the warmer weather is that I can hear the car stereos blaring down the freeway, especially between 6 PM and midnight. I still don’t understand why these things are allowed to be legal year after year. It’s sad that so many people feel the need for such attention. I just can’t imagine feeling so neglected by society that I would be willing to spend hundreds of dollars just so people I don’t even know can notice or hear me. Perhaps counseling is the key instead of disturbing the peace just because the law allows you to do so. Really, just because we can doesn’t mean we should. And just because something is allowed doesn’t mean it’s correct or okay.

Tomorrow I go to the dentist to have the permanent crown put on my back molar. Since the warmer weather has woken up the spiders along with the attention seekers, we’re going to bomb the place while we’re out. After the dentist, we’ll probably go out to eat and do a little shopping.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 6, 2016
Another bullshit cry of racism in the news, this time over a Gap ad where a black child was supposedly used as a “prop” by a white kid. Yet a very similar ad occurred last year with a black kid leaning on a white kid. Where was all the fuss then? Seriously, can we like not see racism in every single fucking thing on the planet? Keep it up and no one’s going to believe you on the rare occasion that you actually are discriminated against.

Nothing like waking up with a smile on your face and for good reason. :) I had another win dream last night, though I didn’t “see” what I won. I always win something after these kinds of dreams, so it doesn’t matter either way. The dream only lasted a second. I clicked on an email and as soon as I spotted the word “Congratulations!” I woke up.

So I’m checking my inbox religiously, though I probably won’t know what it is for a few days. Just the other day I was asking myself if I thought my name had been snagged at the end of the month, and the answer to myself was yes. I have no doubt that I won something. I just don’t know if it’s small or big.

TUESDAY, APRIL 5, 2016
Just when I was hoping my period would be late, I get it. Ugh. I feel like the damn things will never stop.

Went out walking/running for 24 minutes and burned 156 cals with an average heart rate of 137. I forgot to take my damn camera with me. I want to record myself running through the park sometime.

Talked to Tammy yesterday. I’m glad I caught her call too, because I’m not always around my phone. We haven’t talked since I saw her, and she just had back surgery. There are several complex procedures she’ll have to go through, none of which are pain-free.

I was remembering back to when I was going through my own health issues and she told me that I would get better but she wouldn’t. She was right and it just seems so unfair that she can’t get better, too. But there’s a difference between someone with either too much or too little of the wrong hormones versus someone with a disease as complex as fibromyalgia. She has arthritis to deal with too. Fortunately, I’m not arthritic yet that I know of, but my joints are definitely a little less flexible and stiffer than they were in the past. Some might say I’m rather flexible for 50, but that’s only because I work out.

I’ve been making a point to eat in moderation. I could never say that I’ll never eat sweets ever again. I have things that taste good every day. I just make sure to have them in moderation. I find that I feel better if I eat at regularly scheduled intervals. I’ll have something like a banana and oatmeal two hours after getting up, then four hours later I might have soup and yogurt. Four hours after that I will eat one last time and have a frozen dinner if I don’t feel like cooking anything myself, with a small dessert of some kind. If I can’t make it until bedtime then I might have a fruit cup or something.

Mark’s now at another nursing home as a maintenance technician (I guess he had problems with his old job where they promised him a raise he never received). I managed to get Tammy laughing a bit, despite her pain in regards to our “aunt.” The one that never gave a damn about us, but then again none of them ever really did. This one was the worst, though. She hit me when I was staying with her abusive husband at their campgrounds as a teen, and she’s the gossiper from hell. She spread a lot of lies and false rumors about me and was very negative and stuck up. She also knowingly left me alone during some holidays when she only lived a stone’s throw away and was just an all-around horrible person. Probably still is, though I haven’t seen her since around 1990.

Being the prankster that I was, I’d prank her by crossing her with others with 3-way calling. I’d call her and someone at random at the same time, leaving them both confused as hell when they’d answer each other, both swearing they didn’t call each other. Insisting the guy I crossed her with called her and she simply answered, she said in that phony voice of hers, “Don’t make me crazy!”

I would record the confusion on cassette tapes and then edit them in a dual cassette player. One thing I loved to do was mix them down and make them st-st-stutter. So after working my editing magic, I called her back and pressed play as soon as she answered. She got an earful of herself. It went something like this:

“Don’t make me crazy, don’t m-m-make make me crazy. Cr-cr-cr-crazy. Cr-cr-crazy crazy crazy…”

MONDAY, APRIL 4, 2016
I doubt that I can keep a schedule about as much as I doubt Tom could talk loud enough to activate both Alexa and Dot at once. Honestly, I’d rather not be able to keep a schedule and feel well-rested enough to be productive, rather than be scheduled, tired and with no energy to do shit. Like asking me if I’d rather be poor and healthy vs. sickly and rich. The answer’s obvious.

“You’re welcome to exit my life but don’t think you can re-enter it later on. Once you’ve dumped or blocked me that’s the way it STAYS. I don’t waste time on those that don’t want me in their life because there are so many people that DO.”

Saw this written somewhere and totally agree with it.

Yesterday I was both lazy and productive. Other than a “killer” workout and an asthma attack, I didn’t do much. Changed the rats’ cage, cleaned the air filters, and binged on Netflix.

Tammy bought our parents’ house back in my dreams last night. One of the ones in Longmeadow. Then she bought a grocery store, LOL. I was hanging out in it after hours one night with her and her dog. I dashed to the toy section, happily ripped a ball out of a package, and then ran around playing ball with the dog.

Then Kirsten Vangsness from Criminal Minds wanted to be my girlfriend, but I only liked her as a friend, haha.

SUNDAY, APRIL 3, 2016
Sometimes I still think maybe I oughta dump the rest of my friends and just delete or at least disappear on them, but I still can’t bring myself to do so. Especially not Mitch, Christine and Adonis on Facebook or Eileen and my VH sisters. I could disappear from my journal followers more easily than I could cut off my Facebookers.

I am sure, however, that I’ll never again be open to new friends. I don’t care what they look like, who they are, or what they may have to offer either. The drama is just way too old for me and I’m tired of having to dump people or being dumped by them.

In 2010 Lisa demanded I apologize for something I had absolutely no knowledge of so we could “move on.” Did she really want me to lie to her? And did she really expect us to go on as if nothing happened? As if she didn’t go from sweet and kind one minute to screaming false accusations the next? Well, she obviously can’t “move on” and neither will I where she’s concerned.

It also still bothers me that so few people ever sought me out on Facebook and places like that. I mean maybe they did and just didn’t reach out to me. Or maybe they did reach out and I didn’t get the message. Facebook makes it very hard to contact people who aren’t in our circle. I’m making a point of not peeking in on Nane and a few others periodically, as once again, that’s just me going to them. I looked up and reached out to so many people over the years yet who looked for me other than Lisa until she ruined our relationship?

Even my Italian parents. Yes, I loved the hell out of them and they loved me, but why couldn’t they – if they didn’t have a computer of their own – ask someone they knew to see if they could find me and see what was up with me?

Other than maybe one or two people, no classmates ever reached out to me. No teachers ever reached out to me. No neighbors ever reached out to me (not that I’d want most of them to do so). And of course, Tom’s family couldn’t care less.

Sometimes I envy him, though. Not just for being friendless, but for being family-less as well. I said I didn’t want us to have to go through another crisis without family, but what if we did lose the place in the future? How could Tammy save us when she has less money than we do? Furthermore, being on the streets wouldn’t be nearly as terrifying as what I went through with my health.

I still have mixed emotions about my family. Sarah’s temper was a bit scary, and remember, her other aunt threw her out without warning. No one does that to their own niece unless they’re either batshit crazy or their niece does something pretty damn scary.

When the subjects of God, the parents and Bill came up, as I knew they would, Tammy still showed signs of being in love with Bill and on his side even though she “understands why I did it.” I mean look at her eulogy to Mom alone. That shows that she’ll accept, love and respect an abuser just like Aly will be quick to embrace a lying nutjob. I’d bet almost anything that she is in fact friends with Molly. They may not talk regularly, and Molly may not be allowed online regularly, but their friends. No doubt about it.

There’s also the unnerving fact that Tammy wouldn’t hesitate to get me in jail if the opportunity presented itself and she was pissed off enough to do it. Remember, she tried to sell her own kid out with the Workman’s Comp thing. If she can rake her own kid over the coals, why not her sister?

So yeah, you could say I still have mixed emotions at times. I’m just trying to remain in the gray. Instead of contacting family daily or never, I just come around every now and then, especially with my nieces. It’ll be months before I hear from them again, no doubt.

Later…

Went bike riding but had to cut it short. My heart started booming and my ass was killing me. Not used to biking, not used to this seat.

Then I ended up having an asthma attack. First one since last fall. I don’t know if there was something in the air or what, but after a half-hour of trying to cough up the wheeze and congestion, I finally got brave enough to shoot it out with the Ventolin inhaler I got from Dr. A last December. It’s still hard for me to just take medication in general, even though I was on inhalers for many years before quitting smoking (a preventative inhaler besides a rescue inhaler). I try to tough things out on my own, even if it means I have to suffer a bit, but it just wasn’t going away on its own so I shot it out. First time I ever used this inhaler. Nowadays they have counters. I have 203 puffs left, but hopefully, I’d have to live another century before I used them all up. I was afraid the thing would make me jittery and more congested, but it didn’t. It stopped the wheezing and congestion in an instant.

Despite being run through the wringer a bit, emotionally I’ve been great. No anxiety or any negative emotions to speak of and I hope it stays that way now that I’ve fully recovered from the higher thyroid dose. That’s the shitty thing about that drug. You don’t get better the instant you stop. It takes about 3 months to really recover.

I awoke in the night and made a mental note of all the dreams I could remember, but now I can’t remember a thing. Oh well.

For now I am wondering what annoying project will steal my peace tomorrow. At least it’s been peaceful so far this weekend. I’m going to go enjoy the rest of the peace while it lasts. Perhaps a Netflix binge is in order.

SATURDAY, APRIL 2, 2016
Someone’s been visiting me on Blogger through a proxy run by ZenMate. Hmm… wonder what they want to hide and if it could be Aly. You know, the one who forgave Kim for lying to her, and forgave Molly for wishing her cancer would kill her, but not me for being totally upfront and honest? The one who divulged every secret I so stupidly entrusted her with?

Yesterday turned out to be peaceful, much to my surprise. It goes back and forth here, so it seems. Whoever’s been working on the trellis across the street is obviously not in any hurry to do it right away. I think it’s whoever visits her in that loud white pickup that’s been doing the work and I guess they work on it when they have time. Not this weekend, I hope.

My tooth still hurts. Really hope getting the permanent crown on next week will put an end to that. I have to chew my food on my left side for now. It sucks being in pain, but I’ve been through worse things than this.

Despite the pain, I ate more yesterday than I normally do in a week. Literally. I was so hungry all day (but didn’t get a period yet) and I did nothing but eat and eat and eat. When I got up this morning, peed and then shuffled over to the scale, I thought to myself, this is going to be bad. Amazingly, though, I was actually down a fraction of a pound! Where did all those calories go then? I didn’t even work out, and last I knew I still had Hashimoto’s where no matter what we eat and how active we are, our bodies still can’t burn calories properly, even with medication.

Gotta go to the lab in a few weeks. I dread it! I’m still determined to get foods low in cholesterol until then to try to lower the numbers as much as I can.

Set up Echo Dot in the bedroom. The sound quality isn’t nearly as good as our big Echo. It sounds like it’s in a tin can. I may hook another speaker up to it.

Fitbit is pretty smart. I didn’t realize this, but if you get up as soon as the alarm vibrates, it senses your movements and won’t go off again. If you don’t, it vibrates a second time 15 minutes later. I’ve been beating the alarm by a few minutes, but last night I woke up a few hours after crashing and had trouble falling back asleep. Therefore, I was more tired than I have been and slept until the alarm went off. Then I half-dozed until it vibed me awake a second time. That’s when I got up, popped my thyroid pill, and told Alexa to set the timer for 30 minutes.

I miss being able to go straight for the coffee upon waking up, but I have a routine now. During those 30 minutes, I’m waiting I check into the websites I frequent, enter sweeps, and pin pics to my boards.

I dreamed that Tom and I were riding our bikes throughout the park. I couldn’t seem to steady myself, though, or balance the bike. Tom kept telling me to go left yet I had no idea which way was left. It was a strange dream indeed being all confused and disoriented much like when I had a heatstroke.

Later…

I’m the curious type. Always have been, always will be. Did a little test to see if Andy or Aly might be following me by saying that Aly contacted me from a new email addy in a blog post, and answering anonymous questions I made to seem as if they came from Andy on Ask, but got no reaction. So they’re either not following me or they’re doing a great job of biting their tongues. I’d say the first one is most likely.

And then there’s Sarah.

I recently shared a wall post about God supposedly killing a child with cancer that only got 998 likes or something like that. The point of the post was to say that yes, like it or not and no matter what we may do to try to prevent it, cruel and unfair shit will always happen in life. I should have realized, however, that some would find it offensive. Well, it certainly wasn’t my intention to offend anyone and I deleted the post after Tammy wrote, “Not funny at all.”

Sarah shared a wall post saying, “Some people will never fit into your life no matter how much you want them to. Accept it and move on.”

As soon as I saw it I wondered if it was aimed at me. Had she set it to public I’d think it might be meant for someone she had a falling out with, but since it was set to friends, I wondered if it was posted with me in mind on account of my post. I should have known better since their wonderful dad has cancer, after all, even though I don’t buy for a minute that he’s dying.

I commented with, “Not every shoe fits. Not every shirt fits. Not every glove fits.” I wanted to see if she’d “like” or comment on it and she didn’t.

I can watch what I say from here on out, but I’ve done all I can do on my part to “fit” into her life and her sister’s, aimed at me or not. I’ve kept in touch. I’ve “liked” things of theirs. I’ve shared things of theirs. I’ve left comments on their posts. Yet after all this, I still rarely hear from them.

I know I would definitely score more points with people if I had a bleeding heart for blacks, never said anything negative about Muslims, believed in God, and never said anything negative in my journal, like about noisy neighbors and shit like that. But I gotta be myself and I can only be so responsible for other people’s feelings. I can lower the risk of hurting people’s feelings to a degree, but I can’t prevent it completely. I’m going to be me and people are going to react however they’re going to react to that, like it or not.

But I can check in on Facebook less often. Yeah, maybe I’ll give it a few days and just post on Prosebox for now where I’m set at MO, and let them wonder what’s up with me. Only Tammy might wonder where I am, though. The girls probably wouldn’t even notice.

Well, I’ll be damned. I just noticed that Lisa blocked me. Oh, so she hasn’t changed, sober or not.

FRIDAY, APRIL 1, 2016
Why is it that we can get used to so many things the more we have to deal with them while there are other things we just can’t adapt to no matter how often or long it’s thrown at us? I have lived in noisy places almost all of my adult life yet I STILL can’t get used to the daily projects here. If I didn’t know better I’d think we were in an old rundown and dilapidated neighborhood that needed constant work, and not an upscale community where most people drive a Caddy, a Lexus or an Audi. Really, it’s like why don’t we just tear it all down and rebuild it from scratch, folks! throws hands up in frustration I just don’t get it. I can see the new people wanting to redo their yard to their own personal tastes, but why is the lady in the gray house redoing a perfectly good trellis and why are her perfect shutters down and leaning against her place? They were fine.

I keep hoping we’ll one day be able to go a few weeks without someone doing something, but it hasn’t happened yet. As soon as one house finishes a job and I think that will hopefully be it for a while, someone else starts a new one. This is all on top of the constant landscaping and traffic sounds.

It’s still cold in the 40s in the early mornings, but yesterday was the first time we had to turn the AC on for a little while in the late afternoon. It’s to be close to 90° next Wednesday! Good. Maybe if we skip spring and go right into summer it’ll put a damper on some of the outside activity. The problem is that it’s not that hot until the afternoons here, even at the peak of summer. This is due to the dryness and the huge hi-low fluctuation. On days it hits 100° means it’s only 70° early in the morning. It still helps in the afternoon hours when it’s really hot, though.

I wish they’d implement a rule that said you can’t do projects other than in emergencies on weekends so I could at least know I could count on those days. Having two days of peace I could count on would be nice, but weekends are hit or miss.

My teeth still ache and I must have a period right around the corner. I can tell not just due to the water I’m retaining, but by how damn hungry I am. In less than 6 hours I managed to consume around 1500 calories, more than I should have in a day.

Taking a day off from working out. It’s not only good to take a day or two off a week, but it’d only further my hunger even more. I have enough to do between laundry, shopping lists and entering sweeps anyway. Most of them come out on the first. I hope they snagged our name yesterday for something! I think they did. That’s the most likely time to win. Well, it’s at least the most likely time I win. :)