July 2015 in 2010s

FRIDAY, JULY 31, 2015
As I have learned in life, never think an estranged family member or old friend isn’t still somehow connected to somebody you’re currently in touch with. I guess the Gs and the Ss are good buddies. I forgot that the late Dorothy (Boo) was my maternal grandfather’s niece.

Anyway, I also found June, Lori and Lisa’s mother, on Facebook. Her picture is at least 30 years old, LOL. Guess she lives in Florida now. She too, got a wonderful slice of my mind, though they don’t seem to use Facebook very often, and knowing how glitchy Facebook is, they will probably never get my messages. As I’ve mentioned before, my aunts, uncles and cousins (with the exception of a few distant cousins) never gave a damn about me. I would criticize some people for not being able to move on and get over shit that happened decades ago, but thinking back to the way they abandoned me in a time of need 30 years ago enables me to understand that it’s not always that easy. It is very hard for me to forgive someone who A, doesn’t believe they did wrong, or B, knows damn well they did wrong but refuses to admit it.

It isn’t just the abandoning me that pissed me off; it was how they made accusations about me to everybody and anybody that would listen without confronting me directly. Obviously, they were too scared to do so because they knew where I lived, and if they didn’t they could have found out. Then they could have asked me directly whether or not I was prank-calling them.

I have no respect for people like this, family or not, and they can go to hell right along with the brother and parents. I was a 19-year-old terrified kid who had basically been abandoned by her parents. My sister was in another state and I reached out to them just to be ignored because thanks to my wonderful mother, she convinced them along with countless others that I was both crazy and dangerous.

Oh, I’m dangerous, alright, if given a damn good reason to be, same as anyone else in the world. When I was young I took an awful lot of shit from a lot of people. I was too nice and too forgiving. While it’s easy to wish I was like I am today back then, I also know that had that been the case, I would probably have been in jail for assault God knows how many times. The guy that I suspect my brother put up to knocking on my bedroom window in the middle of the night to spite me for kicking out my roommate that had become his mistress which I freaked out all terrified from back then, would today be confronted by a very pissed off me who would beat the crap out of him and leave him for dead.

But again, I was young, alone, naïve and terrified. And when I reached out to my “family,” I was rejected. That’s not something you just “get over” or forgive. I otherwise liked June, until she did such a low and appalling thing, but her ex-husband was way worse, as was my other uncle.

I saw my other uncle a little later in my life at which time he was a little more careful of how he treated me and what he said to me. He was growing older and weaker while I was getting stronger and I was now an adult who had changed. In other words, the slightest threat and I would’ve popped him in the face so hard nobody would’ve recognized him. He just wouldn’t admit this to anybody, of course, being the big bad tough, arrogant macho cock he thought he was.

THURSDAY, JULY 30, 2015
After a few days on a diet rich in meats and veggies, I have increased energy, less hunger, and one lost pound. Looks like I’m going to be late for my period again which is due tomorrow. I just don’t feel PMSey enough right now. Oh, the joys of aging. :)

It turns out I didn’t have to work as hard as I’ve been working on my book. I didn’t realize that for Camp NaNoWriMo you could adjust your word goal to as low as 10,000 words as long as you do it before validation begins on the 19th. Oh well. I only have a few thousand more words to go anyway. I should finish it today or tomorrow.

Went out riding, and the stench of skunks was too close for comfort. Tom’s going to trim the base of the Cypress trees so they can’t nest in there.

Tammy left a message letting me know the house closes on Monday and that Lisa might be moving down to Florida as well, so now she’ll have all the kids there, and so then all she needs is me.

But I thought she wasn’t on speaking terms with Lisa?

I still have mixed emotions about moving to Florida, bipolar Lisa in the picture or not. I would love to be in a place that was summary year-round, but I don’t know how it would affect my allergies, it is awfully humid, thunderstorms would interfere with my sleep a lot, and I don’t know that having so much family so close would be such a wise thing. Sure I miss having family around, but I also know that mixing family can be like mixing friends or coworkers. In other words, it can really backfire on you.

Later…

I have attempted to locate my cousins Lori and Lisa online a few times to give them a well-deserved piece of mind, particularly about the way they abandoned me when I needed somebody – anybody – when I was being terrorized by that window knocker. I don’t know why, but for some reason, today’s the day I searched for them and their names came right up. Perhaps it’s because I recently contacted Mary? Maybe they were even looking for me and that’s why they came up easily in the search results. Whatever the reason is, I sent them both messages.

I also saw that they’re friends with my niece Jennifer. Why oh why doesn’t that surprise me? It seems that every family member and every past friend of mine is still somehow connected to someone I’m currently in touch with. Bet Jenny C was tight with Larry until his death. She’s probably friends with Jen now, too. I really thought there was no connection between Lori and Lisa. But at least two of my nieces are friends with Jennifer and then of course Jennifer is friends with Lori and Lisa. Larry was tight with Ronnie. Hey, a bully loves another bully, right? So it makes sense that they would have met and gotten to know each other.

I wonder if Tammy knew they were connected? I told her about it and let her know that I sent the messages, because somehow, someway, if they get those messages, Tammy will hear about it. I will probably be blocked by them as well. I’m a little surprised Mary didn’t block me, but I’m not surprised she didn’t reply to my message. Or maybe she did and I just didn’t get it. As it is, I have my doubts that these two will get my messages. If they do, I just might be a little more convinced that my messages to my old doctor really did go through after all. I mean I can see her not getting the messages, but not getting the friend request and not noticing that I shared one of her pics as well???

Anyway, I gave my wonderful cousins (yes, the word wonderful was said with sarcasm) Lori and Lisa a piece of my mind.

Was just reading a few comments on an article about intense heat in Iran, and even those animalistic monsters get defended these days when anyone dares step out of political correctness to bash them. What’s next? Defending negative comments against child molesters? Is there nothing any group can do without people being called racist when they speak up about their shit?

The lovely Jenny Seagrove thanked me for my message wishing her a happy belated birthday. Her birthday was earlier in the month but I got caught up with other stuff, LOL.

This is my first day in a month with no word count deadlines to meet and I am enjoying it. It may be a few days before I start editing my book, but Rainstorm is complete!

I’m still feeling increased energy and decreased hunger on my diet, but damn am I gassy! I guess I’m way overloaded on protein. I’m trying to think of what to do about it without going off track. Maybe I need to add a slice of whole wheat bread to my diet. Just had a few bites of oatmeal to see if that helps. Also read that women are more prone to gas. Figures.

Amazingly, we got two quiet days in a row here, but I know it’s not going to be quiet all day today because Fridays are one of the prime landscaping days.

Meanwhile, Andy is very worried about his mother because she fell and hurt her back and shoulder. She’s in the hospital now but from what I have heard she is a rather robust woman who doesn’t give up easily, so my guess is she’ll be in pain for a while but she will pull through.

I had a dream last night involving my brother. For some reason, I was so pissed at him that I was looking for him to kick his ass. Next thing I know, somebody tells me they found him and I ran into the room and proceeded to go after him. But then I stopped dead in my tracks as I realize he was lying down on the couch looking absolutely terrible. His breathing was labored and his eyes were bloodshot. What’s wrong with him? I asked somebody, and they told me it was a drug overdose. I suggested calling the police, but then I just said to let the bastards sleep it off, kicked him in the gut, and walked off.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 29, 2015
One of Tom’s coworkers is an Indian woman who recently returned from maternity leave. Well, he’s been getting a crash course in Indian culture and OMG! Now we weren’t 100% Indian culture illiterate after staying with Tina, Raj and his parents up in Oregon for a while. But even so, they have some traditions, that while they may seem perfectly reasonable to them as it’s all they’ve ever known, seem pretty far out to Tom and I. I like how a woman who doesn’t drive, or who is unable to work or who simply prefers to stay at home isn’t judged and condemned in their culture, but some things we learned really made us go, WTF? It’s fascinating, it’s interesting, but it’s weird, and I mean really damn weird.

Not only are the marriages arranged, but a woman cannot leave home the first month after the baby is born. Not even to go to the grocery store. LOL, here in the US people would be quicker than quick to scream, “Lazy! Wrong! All wrong! Get out and get some fresh air! Get back to work!”

They also can’t name their own kids. They have to go to their priest or pastor or whatever the hell they call them, and they are then given initials from which to choose their name.

So at one point, she told Tom that her in-laws would be arriving soon. He asked her how long they would be staying and she said, “Forever.”

Haha, it’s a tradition for the parents to move in with their oldest son once he marries. What if the son never marries? I wonder.

Even stranger is the bedroom sharing where the parents have their kids sleep with them, including teenage kids. How do they expect to ever get any privacy that way?

Anyway, I understand that most countries have their own cultures, but if you’re going to keep invading our country with your presence as if we didn’t already have enough people here, you should adapt to American culture. Within reason, anyway.

Last night I dreamed of hanging out with my sister and nieces and riding around the park. Only the park in the dreams had sidewalks. As I stopped to wait for a car to straighten out that was aiming for its garage, the male driver said something to me that I couldn’t make out.

I am really pissed off for Tom with the way they keep promising him a new title and a raise at work yet never come through. I hate people that say they’re going to do things they don’t do, or that say they want something they don’t want. All his life God has made sure that no matter how hard he works, he is never paid fairly. Always, always gotta hold Tom S back and make sure he gets the short end of the stick. While most get the typical 50K for 2015, he’s still stuck with his 2001 income.

At this point, as soon as they said their line of bullshit again, I’d be quick to say, “Say that one more time and I’m outa here!”

Seriously, I feel totally insulted for him and pissed off at God… if one exists. I don’t care that we have enough money to survive. I still don’t like seeing him not get what he should get. They should have annual wage laws. If 50K really is the norm, then no one should get less than that unless they work part-time.

Meanwhile, no matter where he works, God’s going to always make sure he doesn’t get what he deserves.

Later…

Andy’s bragging on Facebook that he’s now lost 25 pounds… and I’ve gained weight today on less than 1400 cals and plenty of activity. I’m not complaining but I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. If the medication has made me close enough to normal, then why doesn’t my body respond to diet and exercise? shrugs I guess that just like always… if the weight is determined to hang on no matter what I do, then it must be meant to be there.

TUESDAY, JULY 28, 2015
I don’t understand how every time someone dies those they leave behind say “They’re in much better hands.” Gee, why don’t we all just kill ourselves then? You know, so we can be in “better hands.”

I realize we all have to do whatever is necessary to survive life and that we all have different coping mechanisms for when the going gets tough, but is deluding ourselves really smart? Should we really tell ourselves something is good or for the better when we’d really change things in a heartbeat if we could? shrugs I guess denial is the spice of life.

As for me… I’m never bothering to return to a casino again in my life. LOL, We didn’t win shit and casinos have really changed since I first started going to them in the mid-90s. They used to be simple. You put in the money and you spun the damn thing. Now you have to stop and read how they work, and some of it is complicated if you’re not good with numbers. They did have a few old-fashioned machines there, but most are now video games with lots of dazzling colors and loud sounds.

The smoke in there sucked too, even though it was pretty dead. Are there really that many people still smoking? I got a small cappuccino at one point. It helped with my ever-tightening lungs.

One thing I do like better about modern casinos is that you no longer have to carry around a bucket of change. You simply get a ticket value when you cash out.

After blowing $80 there (at least Tom had fun), we blew $30 more at Mel’s Diner where I got a fabulous 8 oz. prime rib dinner. I don’t think I’ve had prime rib since I lived in Arizona, so that was two states ago. It came with a salad, steamed veggies, fries and cornbread. Only the fries were boring.

We both have long overdue eye exams scheduled for Saturday. Please, ocular hypertension, be down! Our guess is it may be slightly high, but fine. Probably won’t even need drops.

The vigilante girl told me she would begin data hunting for info on Johnson and that she’s been busy with family. That may be true, but my guess is she’s been coming up empty-handed. How much she does accumulate in the end will be a good test as to just how “connected” she may or may not be.

MONDAY, JULY 27, 2015
I’ve slowly begun transitioning into the new low-carb diet and already I felt perkier upon waking up.

Went out riding yesterday and I made sure to go at a more relaxed pace so that darling hubby could keep up with his faster, fitter wife. ;)

Going out to the casino later on and maybe out to eat as well.

I might take the day off from writing, but we’ll see. I’ve only got 8000 more words to go.

Going to watch my show now and that deliciously sexy Mariska. ;)

I had the strangest dream last night where I took a mannequin that was smaller, lighter and more flexible than usual and wet it in an old-footed bathtub. Doing this made its hard vinyl turn to soft silicone. It was actually like this foamy rubber. I picked the bald mannequin up out of the water by the ear and leaned it back against the tub. I then spread her legs and began to run my hands down her tits, stomach and then between the legs.

As I said, it was a very strange dream.

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 2015
The giant rat sticker arrived and looks great on the wall by the rats’ cage.

We didn’t go bike riding yesterday because we were busy doing other things and Tom’s leg muscles were really sore from the last ride in which he could barely keep up with me. LOL, that man is never going to have the time to get in as good of shape as his wife is in with all he works.

The more I get into shape, the faster I ride. I also like the speed, so that’s part of it for me, too. It almost surprises me that I’m afraid to ride on motorcycles, but anything over 20 MPH is getting too fast for me.

What was weird is that the last two times I rode I felt slightly anxious afterward. Tom wondered if it was because my carbs were low, so I had a protein shake and I did feel calmer afterward. Well, come Monday my body better get used to the lower carb levels because I’m beginning the Atkins diet. I just bought about $60 worth of Atkins products, raw meats, fruits and veggies.

I dreamed last night that I was listening to music in the bathroom, then realized I ought to go out into the other room so that Tom wouldn’t worry and think I was sick or something. When I did he told me he sold someone a CD for $60.

In another dream, I was playing on the floor with three rats, and then Tom and I were at the beach. He said he missed the beach and that we would be more likely to end up living closer to the beach itself if we move to Florida rather than Hawaii.

While we were at the beach, presumably in Florida, I noticed that a lot of people were carrying these tall skinny metal poles and I asked Tom what they were for. He said it was so that they could tell which direction the wind was blowing. LOL

FRIDAY, JULY 24, 2015
We don’t know the details yet, but Tom is going to receive a new job title and a raise. Very proud of him! Although we still agree he’s not being paid fairly, it is nice to know that every little bit will help us retire comfortably in the end. We may never be able to retire in Hawaii, but we’re certainly going to be smarter than my mother was. My mother was obsessed with material things like crazy and she spent and spent and spent, like it was an addiction or something, maxing out one credit card after another. Then the mounting health issues came and we could only bleed out so much money from them in the end, most of which was divvied up between their grandkids.

I’m a little pissed at myself for canceling the shrink, as unnecessary as it is because I think that if I pushed my schedule just a little harder I could have made it. I do want to get it out of the way. Tom is still going to take that day off so we can finally go to the casino.

Love how our new recycle bin has handles on its cover. It stinks, though, of plastic, since it’s new.

Not impressed with the anime doll and not getting any more of them either. She’s cute but she’s just too small for the price, and she was half the usual cost to begin with. Then again, she’s not even worth five dollars unless you like dolls that small.

I tried to talk myself into a bike ride but I just wouldn’t listen. Instead, I will take my Dutch lesson, work on my book, do some online work, and finish the laundry and grocery list. This weekend I will be eating the last of the Atkins no-nos before beginning the Atkins 40 diet plan. I’m doing it to see how it makes me feel and not to lose weight. As I’ve said a million times before, and as only one in my shoes could ever understand, it takes shit for calories to lose weight with Hashimoto’s and it’s just not worth the misery.

The Atkins 40 plan, unlike the Atkins 20 plan, allows for 40 net carbs a day. It’s also for those with less than 40 pounds to lose and that don’t have a waist over 35 inches, or a waist over 40 inches if you’re a man. Not sure my PCP would approve this since they’ve got me listed as a cardiac risk, but I’m not worried about it, and it’s not like I will be doing it forever.

I had negative dreams last night. First I was fighting with a woman over a ring I supposedly lent her that she would not return, and trying to figure a way to use her computer without her knowledge. I seemed to believe she had evidence of something bad that I wanted to send someone copies of.

Then I was afraid that Tom was going to be going to this very strange jail. It was both an indoor and outdoor jail. I was looking into the grounds from outside the fence to see if any of the prisoners recently brought in might be Tom. Someone pushed open a flap window and called out something to someone outside, and then I saw a woman being frisked that had just arrived, but no sign of Tom.

A split second later I was swimming in some type of river or stream where I spotted a snake in the water and promptly climbed out. I then desperately searched my mind for ways to ensure that Tom didn’t go to jail, even if that meant I had to bribe, threaten or even kill those involved in whatever it was I thought he might get thrown in jail for.

THURSDAY, JULY 23, 2015
Can’t remember any of last night’s dreams. It seems that when I sleep better, I am less apt to remember them. Still waking up not feeling very rested and hoping that the new diet helps improve that. I’m going to be doing an Atkins-based diet. At first I was worried about all the cholesterol, but I figured that if they were in the habit of killing people regularly then they wouldn’t have been around for as long as they have been.

It hit me like a light switch just how this diet actually works. For the longest time, I just didn’t get it. I just didn’t understand what the hell net carbs were and how to calculate them. Then it just suddenly hit me when I was on their site looking at a list of acceptable foods. It’s pretty easy to figure out once you know what to do. So even though I don’t expect weight loss since I have four things against me… my age, gender, height and Hashimoto’s… it would still be a little healthier than my current menu. The key is to lower both my sugar and carb intake.

Tonight I should come close to 40,000 words in my book. I am looking forward to Camp NaNoWriMo ending and getting on with the editing phase as much as I hate that part of book writing.

Been watching Law & Order SVU on Netflix. Mariska Hargitay is kind of hot. :)

WEDNESDAY, JULY 22, 2015
Perhaps I shouldn’t take it so personally, but not only am I sick to death of racial issues being the highlight of just about any site I visit these days, it really annoys the shit out of me when people don’t see the real reason certain things are happening, and continue to believe that white people are oh so privileged. If I attacked a black person I would be charged with a hate crime. If they attacked me they would not be charged with a crime. If I wanted to create a white beauty pageant I would be called racist. They have black beauty patches and they’re not called racists. If I wanted a holiday in celebration of whites I would be called racist. They have their holidays and they’re not called racists. If I were seeking a job position along with a black person, the black person would probably get it to “give them a chance after having been suppressed in the past.”

Where is the so-called white privilege in that???

I didn’t watch the Sandra Bland video or read the news article, but I can say for sure that racial profiling isn’t nearly the issue the media wants you to believe it is. The problem is the police. There are so many corrupt cops out there that will bully and abuse ANYONE. However, because the media chooses to focus only on black victims, that gives people the impression that they are being discriminated against when in fact that is rarely the case. There are PLENTY of white victims out there as well; we just don’t hear about them as much because nobody gives a shit. The problem isn’t the color of the people; it’s the people wearing the badges. Like it or not, it’s human nature for those in authority to get carried away and abuse it. Makes them feel tough and all that. But to say they’re only picking on blacks and that whites are so privileged is ridiculous. They abuse EVERYBODY.

As for blacks… The vast majority of them are thugs and I’m almost to the point where I feel they deserve just about anything they get. I’m sick of the havoc they wreak on society as well as the individuals who have suffered on account of their hatred, anger and violence. I just don’t understand why people won’t open their eyes to the facts. The cops shouldn’t kill the criminals in their custody, but to say police brutality only happens to blacks and that racial profiling is still an issue is nothing but pure bull fucking shit. If there is, God forbid, any racial profiling going on then it’s because of their behavior. They’re such vicious little monsters that people do have to be somewhat wary of them. But 95% of their discrimination claims are a crock. Sadly, people do what works to get ahead in life, even if it means hurting others. They know the race card game works and earns them sympathy along with other things, and so they play it and they play it well.

I was so proud of myself for doing a partial perimeter ride last night on my own now that it’s been a while since my heart has taken me on any joyrides and my medication has been regulated. Strangely enough, though, I felt slightly anxious after I got back throughout most of the night. I slept terribly, too. I woke up constantly and felt warm even though I set the temperature at 75°. I think the scare I had with the gel polish simply had me rattled. I’ve been fine today.

I had a dream involving my fifth-grade teacher, Mrs. Bowe, but I don’t remember what it was about. I had a little crush on her even though she was a bitch. Everybody hated her. Today she would be in her late 70s.

In another dream I was in our cottage at the beach, which was our summer home for many years, only it seemed much bigger. I was staying with a bunch of people there, but I don’t know who they were. The place had a washer and dryer, too. I was in a hurry to wash my sheets and blanket so I could make up my bed.

The bedroom in the far back, which later became part of the master bedroom, had bunk beds in it which my sister and I slept on as kids. The bunk beds were still there in the dream only the room was much bigger and there was much more floor. I commented and how much smaller the room was when I was a kid.

Then I picked up an iPod that was sitting on a dresser (mine I assume) and started to walk out of the room. Before I got the chance a girl in her 20s jumped out at me and said she wanted to play. Even though I would have preferred to listen to music, I shrugged and said okay. Then a human-shaped cutout appeared in the door to that room and she jumped into it face first and told me to hurry up as I pulled on the door to open it. I told her I was going as fast as I could but that she was kind of heavy.

Then I was talking to my parents who always come back to life in my dreams. We were all going on a trip somewhere and I asked them how many days we would be gone because I was worried about my schedule and the time zones, and they said they didn’t know.

TUESDAY, JULY 21, 2015
Thanks, God, for another wonderful scare in life. I swear something gets off on scaring the shit out of me at times, LOL. At least it seems that way when you’re having the reaction I had earlier to my gel nail polish. Gels always smell terrible, but for some reason, this particular one really got to me.

I cut my nails at the beginning of the month for Camp NaNoWriMo and finally decided they were long enough for one of my new temperature color-changing gels. So I started polishing away and by the time I get two nails done, my head starts to swim and my stomach burns as if I’d ingested the shit, and then my heart starts racing up a storm. I called Tom but he was on his way home anyway. As I was ending my message to him, I started feeling better. So the whole thing, as scary as it was, didn’t last long.

I will never use gel nail polish again. Ever. Gels are a waste anyway, when you think about it because so many regular polishes now have the same staying power. Even my glow-in-the-dark polish takes a week or so before it starts chipping.

I got tired of how my new office chair was slightly tilted and so Tom took it and gave me my old one back. My old one is a very expensive chair he got for just $6 at Goodwill several years ago. Anyone with half a brain can see/tell what a high-end chair it is. I only gave it to Tom because his crappy chair broke. So now he’s got another crappy chair, LOL, until it breaks, as he says because cheap chairs just weren’t made to support those over 200 pounds very well. I just wish more chairs, cheap or not, went an inch or two lower for us shorties. Especially since my gel cushion raises me a bit.

Slipped my feet into my 4” slides. Ah, that’s better.

Still miss and don’t miss Simone. As I stepped out of the shower I thought to myself, aw, that’s another water drop game she has to miss. She used to love swatting at drops of water sliding down the inside of the door. She would chase the laser light, and well, sometimes I miss running around the place with her. I don’t miss her constant whining, destructiveness and getting underfoot, though, that’s for sure. It’s also nice not to have to worry about being woken up, and to go into the laundry room where her litter box used to be and notice how good it smells in there.

Don’t remember much in the way of dreams last night. Something about a fire breaking out in a hospital room when all the staff was in a meeting. I had to figure out how to alert them to the fire and hope they believed me.

Then I had a dream about an old man who was very ill and had been in the care of several people. I was naming off those who had had a hand in helping him out to some other woman, and she pointed to a dark-haired woman and said she’d help him a lot, too. That person was Stacey, the last therapist I saw. I felt bad for forgetting her because she was so nice and had truly been a big help to the guy.

My dream of having one of those life-size silicone dolls may not be just a dream after all. You can get them for a third of the cost if you buy them from Japan. They’re just not quite as nice or as realistic, but close enough. They have a bigger size range too, from 34 inches tall to 67 inches. I think it would be cool to have one around 50 inches and that’s considered medium-size in their book, which usually comes to about $2500 with shipping. Maybe I’ll Turk myself one, though it will take a few years. First I’m working on that foot-long version for just under $100, though I don’t think she’s atomically correct.

Got a hit from Laveen, AZ. I said, “Laveen, Laveen… that sounds familiar.” Then it hit me when I pulled up the map and saw that it was a town just under Phoenix that we would drive through whenever we came to Phoenix from Maricopa or vice versa.

I am so proud of myself! I did my first partial perimeter ride while there was still some light, Cars and people out and about since recovering from the trauma. Never thought I’d beat this thing! It took 10 minutes to come up from the RVs so I didn’t another 10 minutes looping around the circle. I still won’t leave the circle when it’s dark unless you’re with me. I didn’t return to the dead-end behind our house. It’s not as easy to turn around up there as one might think, plus a couple of houses have security lights that pop on when I go by and I don’t like that.

MONDAY, JULY 20, 2015
Rescheduled the stupid shrink for December 8th, the day before my follow-up with A, and am liking my newest and probably the last of the bronze nude erotic ladies.

My rat silhouette stickers came and I love them! They look awesome above the living room windows. I have six of them in there, one in the kitchen, and one in the second bedroom.

Going to be making some healthier changes to my diet, although I don’t expect any weight loss. As I told Andy, if one needs 1200 calories to lose weight, they’ll lose the weight whether it’s 1200 cals of healthy or unhealthy food. Even my doctors have said this. Quality matters for health, but quantity is the key to weight loss.

The problem with Hashimoto’s is that our calories have to be cut so incredibly low due to an inability to burn cals normally that it’s not worth the hunger and fatigue. I don’t think he gets this, but as they say, we can state the facts but we can’t always make people understand things, LOL. Especially if they haven’t experienced it themselves. Not all bodies react the same to whatever. 25 years ago it would have been hard for me to imagine myself as I am today. But like it or not, willing to accept/believe it or not, when it comes to actual weight loss, men are different from women and those with Hashimoto’s are different from those without it. But to try to tell myself I’ll one day be 110-120 pounds would be as ridiculous as saying I’m going to grow 5”, and I’m not going to kid myself like that. I’m almost 50 now, not 25. As they say, better to change what we can and accept what we can’t.

What’s more important than how pretty I can look in the eyes of others is my health and how I feel. I know we live in an appearance-obsessed society and I’m supposed to do all I can to look pretty and all that, but I can’t live that way. I’m me and others are others. Oh, I love things like nail polish and all that, but I do that for me. Besides, one way you know people like you for you and not your appearance is when they stick around knowing you’re big. On the other hand, being about 25 pounds overweight hardly makes me that big.

My only real complaint is the belly fat I’ve accumulated these last few years. No matter what I eat and no matter how many crunches I do, I still have quite a bloat on. I realize this is a normal part of aging and that there is only so much control I have over it. Keeping things from getting worse is a lot easier than keeping things from getting better when it comes to things like that. But no matter what our age or size, healthier eating is always a good thing, not that I’m unhealthy or anything like that. As long as those of us with Hashimoto’s take our medication, we’re not unhealthy, we just don’t lose weight. But it can’t hurt to go from healthy to healthier and so I’m determined to basically cut out more sugar and cook foods from scratch, rather than get cooked, seasoned and processed foods. Andy gave me a list of suggestions.

Facebook finally implemented a positive change. Still waiting for them to give us more privacy so that we can basically separate our friends and keep our interactions with them separate from others. Andy doesn’t need to know when I post to my sister’s wall and I don’t need to know when he wishes someone a happy birthday. We don’t need to know every time we “like” something either.

Anyway, I like how they made it so that if a post of yours gets several comments you can reply directly to a specific person without tagging them. I rarely tagged anybody anyway, because I know most people don’t appreciate that and that they’re going to get a notification regardless saying that a comment was left.

SUNDAY, JULY 19, 2015
Andy was telling me more about his diet, which mainly consisted of unprocessed foods he makes from scratch. He thinks that’s my answer to weight loss, but as I told him, you don’t understand Hashimoto’s. Hashimoto’s doesn’t care where your calories come from but how many you have.

No lung issues last night, so I’m still as sure that my problems were from the cat as I am that going unprocessed won’t affect my weight. Woke up with a headache, though. Probably a caffeine headache. I went back to one cup of coffee a day from two when I realized there was no way I could make my appointment on the 27th. Gotta reschedule.

Went for another disappointingly chilly swim late yesterday afternoon. I just might not go swimming anymore this year with the way the weather’s been. We haven’t had nearly as many super hot days this summer in the triple digits as we usually do.

I’m now over 30K words in my book. Chapter 20 is on for tonight, so about 11 more chapters to go.

Had a series of strange dreams. My parents were still alive in one of them and about to move back to New England. Then they decided to stay in Florida since Tammy had moved there. I was lying on their bed in their old bedroom, since they decided to at least get a smaller place, and was awed by the view outside the window of people swimming in either a lake or part of the ocean. I was pissed that I didn’t have a similar view from my own bedroom window and was bound and determined to do all I could to have the same view, though in real life I wouldn’t want all those people outside my window.

Simone seems to be in my dreams every so often, too. In last night’s dream, I guess she was also an outdoor cat because she entered a small square empty room I was standing in, and walked up to a sliding glass door. I opened it and she went outside.

In another dream, I was warning some people that I’d seen a couple of bears in the area. Then 3 or 4 large animals went charging along the summit of a nearby hill and I said, “See that?” But they were horses and not bears.

The fun dream was where I was playing outside with what appeared to be a chipmunk or a squirrel. I was eating something and it approached me and begged for a taste of what I was eating. I threw down a crumb for it and it gobbled it up. I casually walked a few feet away and it followed me. I threw down another crumb. After I ate, it playfully chased me around.

In another dream, I wrote a note for Andy on a whiteboard that was supposed to be in Dutch, but one of the words in which I remember was in German.

Set the mannequins up for the first time since before we got new carpet, and I also trimmed the Cher wig for the new head. The new head looks good in more hair colors than my full-bodied mannequins do. Not sure she’d look good as a blond, though.

SATURDAY, JULY 18, 2015
The mannequin head has arrived and is very beautiful. Love how she has glass eyes. She also appears to have a tan and isn’t shiny like my standing one is. I might have darkened her eyes a bit and added a bit more color to her lips, but she is otherwise very pretty. They said she would arrive with a black wig and a brunette wig, but I got a brunette wig and a dark golden blonde wig. Both look good on her and both are long and layered with bangs. I think she might look best in a black wig. I’m thinking of trimming my really long black Cher wig. I will share some pics I took in a review later on.

Yesterday I was dragging so bad and I even took a nap for a while. It didn’t do anything to revive me. I perked up later on in the early evening and knew there was no way that I would sleep from midnight to 8 AM as I would have preferred. Instead, I slept longer than usual, from around 2 AM to 1 PM. I was a little surprised to be a bit congested and wheezy last night after getting into bed. Maybe I’m allergic to the new sheets or the detergent we’ve been using. Been using Arm & Hammer pods that brighten whites and colors. The stuff is so wonderful that I’ll never use old-fashioned liquid bleach again. That shit stinks anyway.

Last night I dreamed that we lived in a condo with three of them side by side. We were on the end and an older woman was next to us. I hoped that she would live a long time because she was a very quiet neighbor, but then I was disappointed to realize that she was in her 70s or 80s and probably wouldn’t live there as long as we would. The condo on the other end was huge and appeared to be owned by a rich couple. They had an awesome view of a canyon from one of their side windows and the guy who lived there said he paid people in need of assistance $10 a day to stay there.

FRIDAY, JULY 17, 2015
I fell asleep two hours earlier than I wanted to and ended up getting up 6 hours earlier than I wanted to. No chance of flipping my schedule now. I will have to try to hold it for the next 10 days but more than likely I will be rescheduling that appointment. Oh, to be able to hold a schedule! It helps that I only sleep 6 to 8 hours these days instead of 8 to 10, but it doesn’t help that I’m still sometimes up for 18 hours.

What sucks is that I can’t have my coffee for an hour. I lay in bed for a couple of hours and got up at 10 o’clock. I don’t like to take my meds before 24 hours, and I took it yesterday at 11 o’clock. Then I have to wait for a half-hour before I could have my coffee, so no food or drink other than water until 11:30.

I noticed I now have a regular at LiveJournal, though I am not sure where they are. It seems to be a corporate IP. Anyway, in my last entry, I asked if anyone ever reads the journal to leave a comment if they do. Sure enough, the person didn’t comment.

Before I tackle the laundry, assuming they don’t turn our water off, I thought I would do a quick entry. Other than the strange and funny dream I had last night involving the shitster in North Queerolina, not much is going on. Just working on my book and then hitting the pool later on. Skipped yesterday’s Dutch lesson, so I will probably get to that, too.

In the dream, I was sitting at a large table with both Tom and Maliheh. Maliheh was next to me and Tom sat across from her. Maliheh had a post-it pad with a daisy design on it I thought was just beautiful. I asked her to write her name on one of the Post-its and give it to me. “You don’t have to write your last name,” I told her.

So she starts to write and just then I had to run to the bathroom. On my way back I heard her shouting at Tom. I entered the room, laughed and said to Tom, “See? I told you she was a moody bitch who could flip on you in a split second without any warning at all.”

Tom laughed too, as Maliheh stormed out of the room when she suddenly realized that her clothes were falling off. She began to run. Laughing hysterically, I chased her up a huge winding staircase pretending to whip out a camera and take her picture in her ultimate wardrobe failure. Still screaming, I laughed and said that I was going to post it online (even though I would never do such a thing).

Then I returned to the table and looked at the daisy post-it still on the table.

“What does that mean?” Tom asked me.

I said, “She wrote du willst. That means you want.”

THURSDAY, JULY 16, 2015
I feel both tired and hungry today, sort of like I’m PMSing, even though it’s a bit early for that. I’m usually not hungry for the first two hours of my day, but I woke up hungry, ate about 350 calories worth of food, and was still hungry. No sense in eating anymore then, if I’m still going to feel hungry. I hate that! At least my weight has stabilized and is no longer an issue as long as I’m careful, even if it means keeping a little extra on this aging body of mine.

I have been having to push my schedule in order to make the stupid appointment I have at the end of the month, so the long hours are getting to me. I have been pushing myself to stay up 18 hours so I can jump it ahead two hours a day since I rarely sleep more than 8 hours these days. It’s hard on me to do it day after day, week after week. I’m not 25 anymore, ya know. I have a second cup of coffee when I’ve been up for about 10 to 12 hours, and of course that’s not good for me either.

I’ve been up 3 hours and wondering who/what is going to piss me off around here today. I’m definitely not going to take my shower until the early evening, knowing that there’s a 50/50 chance the water will be turned off.

We had a split-second power failure yesterday for some reason.

Until I read what I read, I would have said that Obama was the best president ever. Not because he’s black which would be good enough for most people these days, but because of the healthcare reform, getting the Don’t Ask Don’t Tell bullshit out of the picture, and things like that. But when I read that he’s made a so-called deal with Iran on nuclear weapons, my first thought was, can our president really be that naïve? That stupid? That trusting? That gullible?

Who the hell has ever been able to trust those savage beasts that live, breathe, eat and piss violence all the while claiming to be a “peaceful” species? Their answer to everything that pisses them off is to kill, kill and kill some more. Is that who he really wants to be making “deals” with? These are the kinds of people that if the Iranian government were to stumble upon this blog, would do everything they could to kidnap me, bring me to their country, and then kill me. But I’m not about to let them or other bullies intimidate me from speaking my mind. Everything we do has its potential risks. But making the kind of deal the president made was totally insane. Now the US is in even more danger. These are the kinds of people who will kill themselves and their families just to kill those they hate. Imagine the mindset it would take to kill your parents, your siblings, and your best friends just to kill those you despised! I wonder if they’re even capable of experiencing feelings of love in the first place.

We will be getting a new recycle bin on the 24th. I saw a guy delivering one to the house across the street yesterday and jumped out to ask how we could get a new one. The front of the lid on ours has been cracked ever since we moved in. They taped it, but it’s not very secure. On the rare occasion it happens to be raining when the thing is out on the street waiting to be picked up, it would be nice to have a solid lid with no cracks in it so that the stuff inside doesn’t get wet.

Last night I dreamed I was delivering a message in Spanish from a woman named Carla to a man named Carlos. It was the most Spanish I ever spoke in a dream, but I don’t remember anything I said.

Then I was in a fairly good-sized building where people were either living or staying temporarily in these small rooms, but it didn’t look like a hotel of any kind. I was in a room with some woman and she just plugged in Amazon Echo’s Alexa and loved the sound she made upon startup. Then she wanted to watch an old movie I had no interest in seeing. Instead, I wanted to go out and mingle with other people.

So I left the room where some tiny black kitten leaped onto my shoulder and began to rub its head against me affectionately. I thought it was oh-so cute, and then I remembered that I’m allergic to cats.

Now I’m going to go try to muster up enough energy to work out, do some cleaning, and work on my book.

I’m ordering another one of those bronze nude erotic female figures as well, and what a doll I found afterward! They have these mini 1/6 “real” dolls by Phicen, a Japanese company. Or maybe it’s China. Either way, they’re only about a foot long, but they have a steel skeleton, are anatomically correct (I think), and are extremely poseable. They come with detachable hands, feet, and heads, so you can change them if you want. I’ve got my eye on an Asian one that looks incredibly realistic. A little small for $100, but definitely something I’m interested in.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 2015
There has been an annoyance here every single day this week so far. Monday the water was off. Yesterday there was tons of landscaping seemingly everywhere. Today the water was off again for the THIRD time in less than two weeks, and they tore out a dead birch tree in the common area. The guy told me it would take 20 minutes, but it really took closer to three hours and the noise was deafening.

I saw Bob and Virginia pull in and went out to warn them that the water was off. I ended up talking to Virginia because Bob had already gone into the house. According to her, they’ve been doing this since they moved in here in 1988. I was like, OMFG, you’ve got to be kidding me! There is NO excuse to be playing these fucking water games for that long, and for the first time in the two years we’ve been here I’m wondering if we should move. She said they used to call and tell them when they would be turning the water off, but that’s not the point. The point is that they’re doing it unnecessarily whether they tell us upfront or not. It’s like they do it just to fuck with us. So I really have to be sure not to shower or wash clothes or dishes during the daytime.

I love our house, and the park is aesthetically pleasing to the eye, but for the amount of money we’re paying, we should have water all the time. When we were told that they sometimes turn the water off upon coming to this place, we thought that meant once or twice a year. Not once or twice a month. It’s fucking ridiculous.

I just can’t imagine where else we would go, but I would rather save money in an older place that’s not as nice in order to have water full-time. The only problem is that trees die everywhere, home renovations occur everywhere, and transformers need to be replaced everywhere, too. So if we moved, we might be trading in one problem for another and that new problem could be worse. The plan was to stay here at least till he retired unless we ever got so broke again that we lost the place. The place is quieter in the summer overall, but I’m sick of the water games and I’m sick of the loud projects. Haven’t heard any individuals sawing or hammering in several months, but that’s more of the winter thing.

My leg muscles are sore as hell today after waking up muscles I’m not used to working by doing that exercise video yesterday. It’s a reminder that running and riding don’t work every single leg muscle. Despite being sore I did today’s cleaning and even some running sprints on the treadmill. I have been deep cleaning the house in sections throughout the week to get rid of as much dander as possible, and today was the first morning I didn’t wake up congested. The day after she left I was okay once I was awake, but still woke up congested until today.

It takes less than two minutes of running at 5 MPH to burn 20 calories. I’m trying to do this every half hour to an hour to see if it really makes a difference. I noticed that when I was doing scattered running bursts when I would play with Simone it seemed to boost my metabolism even more. I’m also trying not to eat over 1200-1300 cals a day. That part is a lot harder than the sprints.

My dreams have been too vague to be worth mentioning, but I can say that I haven’t gotten much done on today’s chapter yet. I hate the middle of stories. That’s where it gets tough to keep enough interesting things going. Setting the stage at the beginning and bringing it all together at the end is much easier.

To help make up for our frustration is knowing that we’re about to get some Amazon goodies, even though we’re not impressed with any of the prime stuff that’s on sale today. He’s getting 4 things and I’m getting 4 things, plus a household item.

His goodies are electronics-related. I’m getting a large colorized rat photo sticker, eight small rat silhouette stickers, an anime doll, and a really gorgeous mannequin head. This one has dark glass eyes and a swivel head. She also comes with a black wig and a brunette wig. Great deal for $33!

The household item is a toilet paper bar for the second bath. I hate old-fashioned toilet paper holders. As soon as I got the one where you just slide the rolls on down in Arizona, I have been spoiled where that’s concerned ever since, LOL.

TUESDAY, JULY 14, 2015
I like to use some of the questions I’m asked on different sites as writing prompts, especially when I really don’t have much to update on. I was asked if I believe in curses and blessings. In the past, I would have been quick to say yes. When you’re going through a rough time it’s easy to feel you’re cursed, just like it’s easy to think, wow, I’m really blessed, when things are going well.

But when you think about it realistically… shit happens. Shit happens to me. Shit happens to you. Shit happens to everyone. So if I’m “cursed,” so are you.

Good things happen, too. To everyone. So if you’re blessed, so am I. So I think my answer is that life is full of ups and downs, but I don’t know that we’re necessarily “cursed” or “blessed.”

It’s kind of the same when I think back and asked myself if there really ever was a neighbor curse on me. Yes, I have had some unusually noisy neighbors and I have lived in some extraordinarily noisy places, and there sure seemed to be a neighbor curse on me throughout most of the ’90s.

But looking at this from a logical standpoint as well… people are noisy. Life is noisy and where there are people there is noise. My ‘90’s neighbors were definitely extreme, but I have heard so, so many people complain about the same things I had to live with before I moved to a retirement community. Some places are worse than others, but no place is 100% quiet.

I was watching some videos of Daniel and Kelli of Fitness Blender. I have always loved following their exercise videos as opposed to any other trainers because they cut to the chase and get right down to business without all the frills and extra shit you don’t need. They don’t play unwanted music and they also have a progress bar that shows you how many calories you’re burning throughout the workout. Not having noise in the background makes it easier to hear them speaking, the quality of their videos is good, and I like how they show you a few sample exercises before they go into doing sets and rounds of that particular exercise. That way you will have a better idea of how to do anything unfamiliar to you.

In one of their videos, they answer questions they often get, and they were saying that you want to aim for a 1000-calorie deficit daily, 500 eliminated from your diet and 500 burned through exercise. It would be easier for me to stand to exercise long enough to burn 500 cals than it would for me to scale back 500 calories from my diet down to 1000 cals a day. That’s like starving! They say you shouldn’t lose more than 2 pounds a week because anything faster than that means you’re losing muscle.

They have several 1000-calorie exercise vids that last for about 90 minutes, and I’m curious to see if burning as I eat might help me lose weight with Hashimoto’s since I can usually only stand to go as low as about 1200 to 1300 cals a day. If I had a 400-cal meal, then I would do the video until I burned that much, pause it, then wait till I ate again.

Honestly, I don’t think this will make any difference other than to get me in great shape, making me even stronger, more flexible and more energetic than my 30-minute workouts, but will see. I’m still a middle-aged woman, and even with medication, one with Hashimoto’s doesn’t burn calories like a regular person. It won’t kill me to try it for a week or two, though it’s not good to do HIIT routines every day because they are so kick-ass. I will only do those two or three times a week. Other days I will run and ride, and allow myself 1-2 days a week of rest.

MONDAY, JULY 13, 2015
Carol and her daughter came yesterday and got the cat perch and a few other things. Simone is still with her and she has promised to be really selective about who adopts her. I still have mixed emotions about having to give her up. A part of me missed having to tell her to get out of the way while I was cleaning this morning. But an even bigger part of me likes to breathe easier. Surprisingly, I’m already getting better. I thought it would take a week or two. I had just a little congestion and wheezing after I got into bed, but am otherwise better. So now my asthma has once again been rendered dormant, and that’s the way it should be since I don’t smoke.

I wish there was a way to test out climates before moving to them. If we really do retire in either Hawaii or Florida, it would be nice to live there for a couple of months to see how my lungs are going to react. I had no problem when I was in Hawaii, but I was only there for a week. No problem cruising the Caribbean either, but that too was only for a week.

It took two wet Swiffers to mop the small bathroom floor and the laundry room floor. Both Swiffer’s were totally blackened when I was done. Where the hell did all this dirt come from?

It’s been unusually cool, though quiet around here. That is, except for Saturday morning. They were cutting a tree down just outside the park and that was a little annoying. Temperatures are warming up again, so I will definitely want to go swimming sometime this week. For about three days it was cloudy, cool and windy, but it never rained. The grass is all brown along the perimeter of the park because they’re conserving water.

Yesterday morning I woke up with a headache that started in my forehead and then moved down between my eyes. I don’t know what the hell that was. Maybe a sinus headache.

My wall decal of the window to the woods arrived over the weekend and it’s now on the master bathroom wall and looks great. The quote it came with, however, makes absolutely no sense at all. It says, “The beautiful views out of the window for alley.”

I can remove the writing. I just thought it was a funny phrase. I am such a sticker addict that even though I say I’m done with them for a while, I always get more. I’m getting a large colorized photo sticker of a brown rat that I will place above the rat cage, and a set of eight realistic rat silhouettes that are smaller.

I did some bike riding, said hello to Jim along the way, then I did some running. I took my Dutch lesson, and after I post this I will get on with my story. Busy day.

SUNDAY, JULY 12, 2015
Carol called yesterday afternoon wanting to know if she could pick up the perch and a few other things at noon today instead of yesterday. We said that would be fine. Her daughter has a truck, so they’re going to move it in that.

Simone isn’t up for adoption this weekend, I don’t think, because they currently have so many cats. I still miss and don’t miss her. I miss running around with her, but I like knowing that the lip gloss I placed on this desk isn’t going to move until I move it.

Woke up feeling tired again, like I did yesterday, but I’m becoming more functional. Have a slight headache, too.

We’ve been so busy that we still haven’t gotten around to the casino or getting new glasses, which we both need. I was supposed to go to an eye specialist a year ago due to OH, but never did because I had the medication crisis going on at the time, and as those who know me well know, recovery took months. I’m just glad it took months and not years, as some other problems have taken (poverty, blacks).

I vacuumed the place, including the couch, and I’m starting to feel better. I didn’t think I would feel better this fast, so yeah, it was definitely her messing up my lungs.

Last night I dreamed that Tammy, Mark and myself were staying in a hotel somewhere. It was a huge building and they were on one of the lower floors. I spent most of the day bored in my room, waiting for her to call because I thought she had something planned for us to do that day, wherever we were. They knew the area well, could drive, and had more experience with vacation planning. So I left it to them, knowing they would prefer to take care of things anyway, and trusted that I would love anything they had planned for us.

I listened to some music and then checked the weather for the day. It was to be 81°.

Finally, I wanted to call her to see what was going on but couldn’t remember her room number. Then I realized I could just call her cell from mine. I picked up my phone to find it dead so I plugged it in the charger.

I was back home in the next dream, only the park looked different. The person next to us had a double-car garage that had been chock full of stuff. The fact that they were clearing it out made me worry that they were doing it so someone could move in and live in it. Especially since I could spot a tiny room with a toilet, sink and shower stall in it.

Then I was swimming in a pond or lake with another resident and we were talking about how someone’s dog died and they were moving because they were too old to stay there, and how much I wanted to move to Hawaii.

SATURDAY, JULY 11, 2015
Simone is already gone and I am both sad and glad. My lungs were horrible yesterday. I was tight, congested and a little wheezy. Even Carol noticed how bad I sounded on the phone, so for that much, I am glad.

She contacted Tom at work who Skyped me to say that she wanted to pick her up in the evening so that she didn’t have to sit in a carrier for too long tomorrow at Petco. I guess she is going to really look for someone like us who is older and where there is someone home a lot.

Although it doesn’t cover the few hundred dollars we spent on her, she has agreed to give us $50 to take her stuff. I like knowing that this way Simone will have things that are familiar to her. I would also rather get a little money and get rid of the stuff than get nothing at all and be stuck with it. There are a few things that rats can use, but most of them would just sit here. The more of her belongings she takes, the more dander is removed from the house.

Tom is going to fill me in on the details when he gets up, but I’m guessing she is spending the night at Carol’s house tonight. Carol bought the stuff not just so Simone could have it but also because she has many cats and is always in need of things for them. Simone was with us for six weeks and already I can see that the cat tower isn’t going to last her whole life. They really do tear things up with their teeth and claws. I noticed just yesterday that she’s been tearing up a piece of the carpet by the bookcase.

I have such mixed emotions about her! Of course I will miss the little shit and I hope she is given to someone who will give her plenty of love and attention. I don’t know how cats think and feel. I don’t know if she’s depressed right now and wants to come back here or not. My guess is that she will be happy as long as she has someone around to give her the things she needs and wants. Cats don’t seem to be all that picky about who it is or where they are as long as they’re happy.

I will definitely not miss all the noise she made. I have never met or heard of a cat that vocal. It wasn’t always a traditional “meow,” but these gurgling, groaning, moaning and squeaky-like sounds she would also make. It didn’t seem to matter what she was doing either. As long as she wasn’t eating or sleeping, she was probably meowing or whining in some form or another. It was extremely distracting and her constant clinginess and being underfoot was highly annoying. So was the stinky poo box. No matter how clean you keep it and no matter how many air cleaners you run, if you have a nose like mine, you still notice it.

She got into everything and anything due to how easy cats can get around, and it was hard to really interact with her at times. I couldn’t just pat her and cuddle her because I had to watch out for getting bit or scratched since they think everything is a game.

However, I will miss the fun times we had. Simone was a very sweet, loving cat and probably one of the most beautiful cats I ever saw. She had a beautiful color pattern and I loved the feel of her soft silky fur. I hope she finds a very happy home! I will still miss some of the things that annoyed me. When I get up I like to be left alone for the first hour or so. I’m very slow to wake up. But the first thing she would do was run up to me and rub against me, get underfoot, and meow up a storm. So that’s one of the things I will miss but I won’t miss. As understanding as Tom is, I feel bad for him because he really came to love her, probably more than I did.

Anyway, Carol took most of her things but couldn’t fit the perch in her car so she’s going to come back today. Meanwhile, I go back to being the one kind of pet mom I was meant to be… a proud rat mommy!

FRIDAY, JULY 10, 2015
This cat is crazy! Really, she is driving me so crazy tonight, getting underfoot, constantly whining, and just going totally wild. I will remember this, and my allergies, every time I get to missing her when she’s gone. Just one more day in Crazyville. She’s been way more distracting and way more work than I anticipated. I don’t mind hard work, mind you, but I would rather it be on stories and languages, even if no one will ever pay me to do it any more than they’d pay me to own a cat.

I will be cleaning and washing things like crazy next week to get rid of as much of the dander as I can.

What else can I complain about? How about the weather? The last two days have felt more like fall than summer. We had to wait so long for summer to kick in this year, and now this. :( I appreciate the savings, but one’s AC should be running in the summer even in the middle of the night unless they live in Klamath Falls, Oregon.

They’re saying the drought could be nearing its end and El Niño could dump lots of rain, and even flooding, on NorCal this winter. Yeah? Well, I’ll believe it when I see it. Would love that, though. If it’s going to be cold anyway, might as well rain more people indoors and get a little more peace since winters are typically noisier here than summers.

Cold or not, this is a better anniversary than yesterday was. Today we’ve been in this house for two years. It was a very emotional day for me in a very good way.

Got my last temperature color-changing polish, but need to let my nails grow a bit longer. The longer the better for this stuff. Got the eyeshadow/liner pencils too, but eh, not that impressed with those. I’m so pale that some of them don’t even show up, and where’s the glitter? No es purpurina. :(

I decided to drop the trilogy idea and just do one whole story. While Enslaved may be a fitting title, I’ve decided to go with Rainstorm.

Tammy said she had some ideas for my story and to send her a little at a time if I would like her input. Hmm… that’s nice, but why the interest? It’s not like her to be into this sort of thing. Does she simply find this interesting, or does she want to know she had some say in the story in case I ever make any real money at writing? She just doesn’t usually do something like this unless there’s something in it for her. I still see no way I’ll ever make any serious money writing, but that’s ok. It’s still fun.

THURSDAY, JULY 9, 2015
This was the day I “fought” for my life, or at least thought I was, not knowing what the hell was going on, thanks to the so-called good docs that left me rather ill-informed. Little did I know what hell I’d be in for over the next several months until I could find a doctor that would not only explain more to me about how thyroids work, but that cared enough to get my medication dose regulated. Thanks, Doc O. I wish I’d seen you all along.

The older I get, the more I believe the God fantasy was created as a means of surviving life and is basically an adult’s version of an imaginary friend as most children have their own imaginary friends when they’re young. But IF there is any truth to the God thing and IF it does pick and choose our experiences, I will NEVER forgive it for having the shit scared out of me so damn bad that day. I didn’t know if I would live or die. Even once I knew I would live, I suffered both physically and emotionally in ways I never had before for many months. I didn’t deserve that. I hadn’t harmed anyone. I hadn’t done anything but just live my life.

When people would say something like, “I’m anxious to get started,” or “I’m anxious to get going…” that’s what I thought anxiety meant. I thought it was a form of being restless and impatient. I didn’t know that REAL anxiety meant being scared shitless no matter how much your common sense side said you didn’t have a damn thing to fear. It was easily the worst experience of my life and I hope to hell I never suffer like that again.

In happier news, I talked to texted my last chapter on my smartphone and into an email to myself, which I then copied into Word. It seemed to take just minutes, and Google’s speech-to-text is more accurate than the built-in dictation. I still have to edit it by creating paragraphs and adding quotes to dialogue, but it’s not the hassle I thought it might be. I just use a font where the end quotes are the same as the starting quotes, copy the symbol, and then just paste, paste and paste along the way.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 8, 2015
Still having some congestion and wheezing along with mixed emotions about getting rid of Simone this weekend.

My NaNoWriMo book is coming along well. I should arrive at around 13K words tonight.

I had a series of strange and senseless dreams. At one point what sounded like someone knocking on the door woke me up, but it had to have been a dream because the front door is too far away to be heard over the sound machine.

In one dream I was singing and recording a karaoke while showing someone a video Mitch sent me that was taken in some recording studio or something like that. I kept hoping he’d appear in it so I could show the person.

In another dream, I had been out all night somewhere, came home in the early morning, then realized I didn’t have the keys to get in. I knocked on the door and heard the lock being unlocked. When I opened the door and stepped into the room, I couldn’t see anyone but knew it had been my mother who unlocked the door.

After hanging out on some beaches, I was suddenly in a room with Teddy Bear and some other woman trying on clothes. Teddy Bear never said anything the whole time, but I knew she knew who I was. I slipped on a pair of pants and the other woman said not to wear them over shorts. I said, “I don’t have shorts on. Those are my boyshort panties. Once I was diagnosed with Hashimoto’s I knew the extra weight would never come off and so I had to adapt.”

Speaking of that, it still pisses me off to have such little control over my own body. I know I don’t have any more or less control than the next person, but I still like to be in the driver’s seat of my life AND my body. Yet even with proper treatment, my body will never burn calories like a regular person. Yes, I still exercise to stay healthy and in good shape, but the never-ending cycle of dieting and exercising, dieting and exercising just to stay 25 pounds overweight does get old at times. It isn’t being big that I mind. Being big actually has some benefits, believe it or not. It’s the lack of control that still frustrates me at times. I feel like my efforts should reap the same rewards that others get from it. On the other hand, I admit my calories haven’t been all that low lately, even though I’ve been pretty consistent with working out. They’ve been reasonable, but not low.

TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2015
Not surprisingly, Andy is just now FINALLY realizing just how sick I am of the race shit and jokes pertaining to that. I thought he would’ve caught on years ago after the hell they put me through.

I know 90-something percent of the population admires blacks and sees them as these poor, poor little victims, but I see them as nothing but the angry, vengeful and often violent assholes that they are who love to take advantage of knowing they’ll be excused from most of their hate crimes and other shit as well. These fuckers are getting so out of control I wonder what’s next… are they going to start decapitating us Muzzie style? Meanwhile, true racism and discrimination against them these days are rare and often trumped up and exaggerated where there may be a grain of truth to their claims.

Well, their shit isn’t “funny” or anything to joke about when you consider how many people they’ve hurt and how many lives they’ve ruined. I’m far from the only one who lost so, so much to these shitsters. Sometimes people really truly do make their own haters, not that many Americans hate them these days, and I’m not ashamed to name those groups I’m less than fond of any more than I am those individuals I’m not thrilled with. Fifty years ago whites hated them just to hate them. Today, no matter what offenses they commit against them, whites will be quick to defend or make excuses for them. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. But like I also said, I’m sick of hearing about them and just as sick of venting about them, so I will wrap it up. They’ll never change, and if they do, I don’t see it happening anytime soon.

On the night of the 4th, I went out into the street to see the fireworks being shot off down at the lake. A woman, also short like me and who appeared to be around my age, came up behind me and introduced herself as Dusty. She had long sandy brown hair and glasses. She said she’d been here two years, her cat wasn’t afraid of all the noise, and she’d never been to the lake. She’s living with a widow who’s been here 28 years. I’ve never seen her before but she said she’s seen me out walking around. I’m not surprised. Everybody knows me here but doesn’t really know me, LOL.

Due to the lung issues I’ve been having (oh, how they remind me of what I went through in the 90s and what my sister goes through these days), I’ve been trying to distance myself from Simone. Yesterday, however, she was determined to get my attention in a way she never had before. She jumped up on my lap, purring away. As disruptive as it was since I was in the middle of typing, it was so sweet, too. I went into the bedroom and cried at the thought of giving her up and wondering what would become of her, but I still didn’t see any way around it. My lungs are a little better right now, but my eyes itched a bit yesterday and I still cough up this nasty-tasting shit. It comes and goes and wouldn’t be easy to live with indefinitely. Taking regular medication for allergies and asthma also wouldn’t be good for me because that may cause long-term problems from what I read. If I can remove a problem before I have to medicate it, that’s still the route I prefer to take, even though I’ll miss the little shit. She hid my pen and lip balm somewhere. I just hate to take her away from Tom, and I hate all the money we’ll lose, too.

I dreamed of speaking in Spanish (no sé lo que dije) to a woman whose nose was made of shiny silver metal, and then Tom and I were picking up our mail on the ground floor of a huge multi-story building somewhere.

SUNDAY, JULY 5, 2015
My period hit full blast so that probably was an ovulation pain I felt two weeks ago.

The Cat River Rescue people blew me off completely when I asked them if they had any tips on quieting Simone down. She’s only been quieter tonight because I really yelled at her good for the constant meowing and getting underfoot. The meowing is at its worst when Tom and I are talking. It’s like she’s either jealous or determined to join in the conversation.

Sometimes I still feel more like we’ve got a kid than a cat. She’s noisy, she’s underfoot, and I have to baby-proof every little thing. Certain objects are safe from her, but she gets a hold of smaller things and hides them.

I can’t let her in the other bedroom when I sleep anymore, cuz she wakes me up by playing along the dividing wall. I can’t do much of anything with this cat. Sometimes she’s sweet and fun, but most of the time she’s annoying and an inconvenience.

I’m once again contemplating returning her, even though most people would think that was cruel. I would just say she ran away or something. The only things stopping me are the same things that stopped me before – we put so much money into her and Tom really loves her.

Christiane replied to my message saying hello to her and telling her how hot it was here. She lives in Leipzig. I wasn’t sure if Nane had poisoned her against me since our little cyber breakup, but then again maybe Nane’s dumped her, too. Sometimes I think of re-adding Christiane if she wouldn’t mind because fuck Nane and what she wanted. We have the right to be friends with whomever we want and I kinda feel bad for deleting her just because Nane got jealous. I’m not blind. I can see that Christiane’s a hottie. But I don’t have the crush on her I once had on Nane.

Anyway, she said it was hot there too, and attached a pic showing the dials in her car. It was cool seeing the German writing and all that all over the dash. I had to look up “reichweise,” though. I didn’t know that one.

Facebook recommends people we might know to us, and every now and then I noticed it kept recommending an older woman named Mary G. Mary G who happens to live in MA. Well, I don’t know anything about Ronnie’s second wife, but I do know her name was Mary. Assuming they’re still together, I sent a message saying:

So the bastard hasn’t croaked yet? Had a dream about the little bully last night. Just wrote about it in my blog as a matter of fact. Oh, how lucky we both are I wasn’t like I am today when he would shove me around and make his little threats when I’d be stuck having to stay at his and his ex’s place.

This is so true, too. Had he waited another decade or so to punk me around like that, he’d have gone to the hospital and I’d have gone to jail. Same goes for the other uncle.

His first wife June was pretty nice, but what a bastard Ronnie could be. I never actually saw him be physically abusive to her or his daughters, but I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if he was, just like I wasn’t surprised to learn of my sister’s ex. The only difference between June, Tammy and myself is that they’re kinder people who are more apt to forgive and who can even continue to love someone who’s screwed them. Me… I punch back, I lose all love and respect for them, I don’t forgive, and I sure as hell don’t forget. I don’t care whose method of response is the so-called correct one either. I simply do what works for me and let others do the same.

Anyway, I’m not totally sure it’s the cock’s wife. There’s no Lori or Lisa on her friend list or any other name I recognize, and the account appears not to have been updated since 2012.

Later…

Mary read the message but didn’t reply or block me. Still don’t know if it’s her or not. If it’s not her, why didn’t she reply to tell me so? If it is her, why didn’t she block me?

In the wee hours of the morning, we went to Denny’s. He got a ham and cheese omelet and I decided to get something I rarely have at home and that isn’t very heart-healthy. So I loaded up on eggs, bacon, pancakes, and fries.

We stopped at Walgreens afterward where I got a really light but bright shade of neon orange nail polish I’ve never had before despite having nearly every color in the world. Too bad I just did my nails, LOL, in hot pink.

When we got back to the house I played with the cat a bit and then noticed my eyes itched and my lungs felt a bit congested. I’ve had some coughing and even some wheezing for 2-3 weeks now. I first thought it was that I had gotten overly strong incense, even though I rarely burn it these days, and haven’t had this type of reaction to the stuff in the 12 years or so that I’ve used it. Remember, I once used to make my own incense down in Arizona. I’d love to get back into it and sell it online, but there’s way too much competition there and I’d lose more money to supplies long before I could ever come close to making a profit.

Anyway, I began to suspect the cat could be causing this reaction, but didn’t think much of it. One day I even wished I had an inhaler for the first time since the new carpet they installed in the duplex we rented back in 2004 caused me to wheeze for some reason. I haven’t used inhalers for about 13 years now.

Then she accidentally scratched me when I wasn’t quick enough to pull away from her when we were playing. Even though it didn’t seem like she’d scratched me that hard, it was itching like mad and bleeding a little. Now that I’m older, my skin is thinner and so I bleed easier. She’s made poor Tom bleed even more. Anyway, I went online to see if I could find out why cat scratches make me itch and what to do about it. In learning that it’s usually an allergic reaction caused by proteins in their saliva, bacteria and dander, I accidentally found my symptoms as being an allergic reaction. I was both surprised and not surprised. When I think of allergic reactions to cats, I think of non-stop sneezing. Bet I had the same coughing and wheezing with Sasha and Shadow (till I was forced to get rid of them) but didn’t know it because I smoked at the time and had lung issues anyway. I’ve always had allergies in general. But when they’re rendered dormant through lack of contact with irritants and you’ve been taking a nasal spray for the sneezing part of it, you forget that other things can affect you in other ways. They just usually take weeks or even months to get you. My sister only recently learned she’s allergic to coconut palms and she’s been in Florida for over a year now.

Anyway, although I know that keeping Simone wouldn’t kill me, it’s a very annoying and uncomfortable thing to have to live with when you wake up (that’s when it’s worse) hacking your brains out with congestion, wheezing, and feeling like someone karate chopped you between the shoulder blades. Knowing I wouldn’t get any better, I called Carol and agreed to bring her back to Petco next weekend where they’ll be set up adopting out cats, as usual. She said this way she has a chance to figure out what to do with her.

I feel terrible about the whole thing. It truly sucks. I really liked the idea of a pet that lived longer than rats, we invested so much money in her, and Tom really came to love her. I know he knows I didn’t ask for these allergies and doesn’t blame me and all that, but I still feel awful about it. I’ll miss that little devil’s sweet side. Will I miss the constant meowing, her getting underfoot, her sometimes stinky litter box, her messing with things around here, and having to dodge her teeth and claws? No, not at all. But I will miss the fun games we used to play, cuddling, and just having her around BIG time.

I feel bad for Simone as well, of course. I hate to put her through this, but hopefully, she will see it as one big old adventure and will end up in a wonderful place. I still feel like a real shit for this even though it’s not my fault and one has a right to do what they need to do to breathe easier.

No texts, calls or letters from Paula. I’m not really surprised. She’s more the heat-of-the-moment type and not the vengeful type, though regardless of who dumped who, once we’re done with each other I automatically ignore and delete anything I may get from anyone that may have a hard time letting go without reading/ listening to what they have to say. My philosophy is that once you’re done with each other, what more is there to say other than in one’s journal or to another friend?

SATURDAY, JULY 4, 2015
I hear tons of fireworks right now, but at least it hasn’t gone on for days like it has for some other people who have been hearing them both night and day. I only heard a little bit last night and quite a bit right now off in the distance.

Going out to Denny’s later on.

Love my new nail toys. I got a kit that removes gel polish and it does a great job. The metal “sloughing” tool is fantastic not just for removing old gel polish but for pushing back cuticles as well. I like it better than orange sticks because the sticks can dig into you at times and that can be a little uncomfortable.

FRIDAY, JULY 3, 2015
Xfinity and SEFNCO arrived at 9pm last night and worked on the high-speed Internet. I didn’t hear much in the house this time around since they weren’t digging anywhere. We wondered if they put a temporary patch on since they were only here an hour.

Last night I dreamed of my dentist, though I’m not sure where we were or what we were doing. I don’t see her till September.

Then I dreamed of my mother’s brother, Ronnie. Funny how we often act totally different in dreams than we would in real life. I hated the guy same as I did my father’s brother. That one’s dead, though. They were both mean little bullies. In the dream, I saw him somewhere and he was very old as he would be in real life by now. For some reason, I was eager to find out how his health was these days and tell him that I had Hashimoto’s and that was why I would always be heavy no matter how active I was and no matter what I ate.

In reality, I couldn’t care less about his health and I don’t feel the need to defend my weight. If someone asks about it, I don’t mind telling them about it, but I am the size I was meant to be just like I’m the height I was meant to be.

I’m just over 5000 words for NaNoWriMo and tonight’s goal is to hit around 6050.

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 2015
“Not supporting gay marriage doesn’t mean not loving your gay friends as you love your straight friends.”

What a bunch of bullshit this statement is. As I always said, if you loved them then you wouldn’t want to deny them any rights.

Forgot to say that we went swimming on Tuesday, an hour later than we did the last time and they were just finishing up with the water aerobics. Even so, there were two women in the pool and three sitting at a table playing a game. As we were leaving, three more women made their way in. I swear I don’t remember the pool being this crowded last year or the year before.

Our Internet provider was out (they peeked in one of my blogs earlier, LOL) and it turns out the whole street has no high-speed Internet. Tom says old people are hesitant to complain and so that’s probably why no one else called it in. Really? Is that why nobody says anything about the kids living in back or about the racket some people make in their garages during the cooler months?

Anyway, SMUD fucked up some cables when they were working the other night, and even started a little fire outside someone’s house that burned a little bit of paneling off. This was down at the end of the street. The guy says it’s to be fixed in about a day or so, but for tonight I will be on the slower, less reliable Wi-Fi. I shouldn’t be online much either way because I’m busy writing and I will be out bike riding, too. It’s actually a little breezy, cloudy, and muggy, but it’s not as hot as it was the last two days.

I’m doing my first trilogy - Enslaved, Rainstorm, and Nurse Chris. The first book is going to be based on a wacky dream I had recently.

In Book 1, Rain is blackmailed by a woman who demands that she let her sleep in her basement and service her late at night or else she will kill her husband and see to it that a certain picture goes viral that she wouldn’t want to share. Eventually, Rain works up the nerve to tell her husband what’s going on and they move to another house. Just went they start to feel safe and comfortable, the woman reappears to Rain, but is never apprehended.

In Book 2, they move cross-country and rent an apartment for a few months until they find a house that ends up across from one of Rain’s doctors. She gets another doctor and they become friends. The doctor, who was lonely after losing her husband, becomes obsessed with Rain and kills her husband, leaving Rain to believe that the madwoman tracked them down and killed him. But the doctor’s hopes of Rain moving in with her are dashed when Rain decides the doc simply comes on too strong.

In Book 3, Rain has a nervous breakdown after the loss of her husband and ends up in the psych hospital. One of the nurses there comes to care for her, and Rain finds the feeling is mutual. When the friendly nurse learns of an insurance scam going on, she vows to break Rain out of the hospital despite rumors that Rain’s “madwoman” was never anything more than just a figment of her imagination spawned by a previous attack.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 1, 2015
I’m so fucking pissed right now! Oh, it’s been a great writing night, all right, but I won’t be able to post this online for a while. That’s because SMUD is here. I don’t know what the fuck they’re doing here in the middle of the night, but things running, loud sounds, being inconvenienced and distracted… that’s all supposed to be a daytime thing. They’ve been ruining my peace for about an hour now, and now I can’t get online.

At 1:30, I heard a large vehicle turn down the street that I figured was the trailer on the other side of the circle. They loop around and then park in front of their place so they can pull out easier. But when I looked outside I saw a very big and strange-looking vehicle. I didn’t think anything of it till a loud whirring motor started running.

Curious, I threw on some decent clothes and walked down the street to check it out. I thought another pipe burst at first and that our water would be turned off. They were working some “hose” into the ground by the very side of the road about half a dozen houses away. It was so fucking loud I couldn’t stand to get very close, and I knew that even if I could ask someone what the hell was going on, I probably wouldn’t be able to hear the answer anyway. The three guys I saw were busy working away, though I could see “SMUD” written on the truck and immediately knew it had to do with the electricity.

Tom just got up and said he saw their trucks earlier. sighs please don’t tell me we’re going to go back to always having something going on around here, and now at night, too.

Later…

Now I have more information on SMUD and all that. In digging up the road, which was probably due to a blown transformer, they managed to damage some wires and take out our Internet connection. Even though they claimed it was up and running again by 11:30 this morning, it was clearly still out when I got up at 2:00. I tried a handful of tricks and nothing worked. Went Tom got home he tried some tricks as well and nothing worked. So he called them up, told them that SMUD was out last night, and they’re going to send a tech out tomorrow afternoon.

We knew they either damaged our modem somehow or the cables were damaged. I hoped that it would be their damage and not ours, because our modem isn’t that old, if even that, and there’s nothing like having to pay for what someone else breaks.

He said, “Relax, we can buy anything we need to buy.”

I said, “Anything?”

He said, “Yes.”

I said, “Good. Let’s buy a houseboat in Maui then.”

LOL

Tom then remembered our old cable box that he hooked up to the TV and was able to determine that it wasn’t our modem since there was no signal coming through.

“I bet it would have been our modem if we were still poor,” I told him. “Notice how things haven’t been breaking like crazy now that we have money?” haha

For now, I’m on Wi-Fi instead of high-speed Internet. The Wi-Fi is like Auburn… Slow and unreliable. One day isn’t going to kill me though, and since I’m busy writing anyway the timing worked out well. So it’s just a minor annoyance and not a crisis. The most important thing was that I could still call out in an emergency. I just had to type manually because Google’s talk-to-text is an Internet thing. No using Alexa tonight either, but if I need a timer set, I can still use the egg timer.

My point about not being able to find things when we look for them proved to be correct again, too. This cat, which has been causing more mischief than I ever did in my prankster days, has been hiding things lately. He needed the razor to cut something open yet it wasn’t on the counter where it usually is. He started looking for it to no avail and I told him to just wait and we’ll find it when we’re not looking for it. Sure enough, I opened the pantry a short while later and found that the little shit had kicked it under the door.

When she is noisy and destructive I am kind of sorry we got her. When she is all sweet and lovey-dovey I realize I love the hell out of her and couldn’t imagine life without her. I suppose it’s like that for those with kids… you have your moments of joy and pride, then you have your moments where you ask yourself why the hell you ever bothered when you could have kept your life, kept your money, and kept your sanity.

My weight is sort of teetering like it can’t make up its mind whether to go down or stay where it’s at, though it is down a little bit. Tom still thinks it’ll be a very long, slow and gradual loss, but that I’ll lose a significant amount eventually. I don’t know what to think. I’m just glad I stopped gaining and that my period is late this month. I think menopause might be the only way to lose weight if I ever did get really serious about that. With periods I have water/hunger cycles that just keep replacing the same few pounds each month.

Sure had the runs earlier, though I’m not sure why. I haven’t had any lung or heart issues today, and while the runs and a lower appetite can be caused by my medication, there’s still no way my dose could be too high. I think I might have overdone the dairy is all.

Another thing I had was what I thought was that ovary pain. This was last night. Now I’m not sure what that pain could be. It was in the very lower right side of my stomach, and I had to take and ibuprofen. Tom thinks it’s gas. Well, I sure hope it’s that or maybe a pulled muscle from when I was working my abs.

Just in case there is any kind of an evil god out there, I thought I ought to start standing up to it. So I woke up today and as soon as I became aware, I could feel that pain. I said, “Look, I don’t know if you exist and I don’t know if you’re picking on me if you do. But just in case, I’m not going to take any shit from you, so just back off. You’re never going to beat us over the head with money again, and I’m not going to let you make me suffer either.”

Coincidentally or not, the pain stopped.

My water/gel chair cushion arrived yesterday and is super comfortable. There’s a powdery gel inside the plastic sack, which is much like a waterbed sack that I threw inside an old pillowcase. You fill it up with water. We didn’t quite get all the air out of it, though, because it “farts” when I move around on it.

Tom thought it was pretty clever of me to look this up on Amazon. Well, I realized that if this can be comfortable for people stuck in wheelchairs all the time, then this would certainly be good for someone who’s sitting about half of the time.

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Last updated August 29, 2024