December 2014 in 2010s

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2014
My Nutrisystem journey has begun! I gained a little weight recently and crept up to 151 pounds. This will be my starting point on my way down to 125. That’s my highest goal weight, anyway. At 4’ 11” I can go as low as 100, but this is not likely with my age and muscle density.

I was both pissed and pleased when the shipment arrived. They gave me more than I ordered, but they also gave me stuff I don’t like. I hate spicy foods, yet what did they do when they had to make substitutes for things they were out of? They gave me chili, Mexican tortilla soup, and a few other things I don’t care for. They should have given me other things I ordered, figuring that I didn’t order sloppy Joes, for example, because I don’t like that. What really pissed me off were the things I got that they say I ordered which I know for a fact I didn’t order. The last thing I would order would be spicy Kung Pao noodle soup. What’s the point of paying extra to customize my plan if they’re just going to pick and choose for me?

I do like the chocolate shakes I was surprised with. They’re part of the Fast Five. I thought the Fast Five kit included a 5-day meal plan cuz that’s what the kit was for that I got in Walmart several months ago, but this is actually a 7-day plan. They expect you to lose 5 pounds during this, though one woman lost 7 while a guy lost 9. After the first week, then I go to the regular plan.

I’ve had my breakfast and I can certainly say their double chocolate muffins rock! Very rich, tasty and chock full of chocolate chips.

I have logged my first 190 calories and my first 2 cups of water. I logged my weight as well, but not my measurements yet. I’ll have Tom take those scary numbers when he gets up since it’s easier for someone else to measure us.

I kind of feel bad for letting Mitch have it like I did because he is having a rough time. He understands why I went off on him, though. At least I think he does. If he’s rude again in public I will simply remove him.

I was pissed to find that Prosebox is down again. This is their second attack in less than a month. At least I think that’s what it is. I really hope that the guy’s post about how the site is a little more responsibility than he would like since he didn’t expect it to become what it has, wasn’t really a warning of sorts, like some kind of farewell. I did find it a bit odd that he would only accept private comments on the entries. I’ve never known him to do that before. I would hate to see the site go because it’s so unique and I love the way that we can create different books for different things, but whatever happens, happens. I don’t think it’s been shut down, though, because I get a message saying that the site administrator has been notified of the problem and not a ‘page not found’ notice. Time will tell. What sucks is the timing. If he hasn’t intentionally shut it down it could be a few days till it’s back up again what with the holidays and all that.

Unlike some folks, I’m smart enough to keep copies of my stuff in other locations, but what would really suck would be if I couldn’t access my Dreams book. I add my dreams to a single draft post throughout the month that I publish at the end of it, and then I copy it elsewhere. Worst case scenario I search “dream” in my Word copy to weed out the dreams, but that’d be a hassle I hope I won’t have.

This is the second time in less than a month this has happened and it’s already getting old. Let’s hope the guy either sells the site to someone who’s more into the idea of keeping it going or that he gets his shit together. And damn the person who attacked the site, if it was indeed attacked. Kind of makes you wonder who the hell the guy could’ve pissed off bad enough, but maybe the provider was the target and not Prosebox specifically.

If it’s gone for good, I wonder if any of my friends and followers there will look me up on other sites? Either way, I’m like most people in that I’m easily bored with tales of things that don’t interest me. Can’t say I’ll miss the pregnancy/baby stories. Just how in the world do so many mothers find the time to sit and write and read on blogging/journal sites as often as they do anyway?

Later…

So NS didn’t mess up after all. The unordered items I got are part of the free week I received. So I’ve got 5 weeks of food here, not 4. Next shipment launches on 1/29.

Tom and I worked out and he took my measurements before leaving for work, which he hopes to escape from early. What scary numbers! My thighs are as big as my waist should be. It’s like I’m proportioned well, but I’m not. I’m still an hourglass; I’m just a rather half-assed one. I need to lose half a foot off my chest and hips and a foot off my waist. I doubt, however, that I’ll be the 35-25-35 I used to be with 18” thighs. Instead, my measurements are:

Arms: 12, Chest: 41, Waist: 37, Hips: 42, Thighs: 25

Got a direct hit to my Blogger blog from San Antonio with what I’m pretty sure was from Molly who does have family in that area. She’s not in Austin now but is soon heading back there.

So she does revert back to her old ways in cases of idle hands? This is what I worry about when she leaves Marbridge. When she doesn’t have that place keeping her busy and she’s no longer being stalked by Josh, does she then revert back to Aly and I? Still can’t believe she’s gone this long without mentioning Aly in her blogs. That just doesn’t seem like her at all and I don’t care how much she may’ve changed. Something’s gotta be up with that. I sometimes wonder if Aly is still her friend and has somehow gotten her to keep her mouth shut about it and are hiding their friendship, but Aly swears she’s not in touch with her.

So then where is the “I miss Alison… Please forgive me… You’re a wonderful person… I hope we can move on and be friends…” kind of thing?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2014
I was surprised to get up to find that my Nutrisystem order is to arrive tomorrow. That fast?! I never would have gotten as many groceries as I did had I known it would come this fast, but it’s only shooting over from Reno, so it turns out. This is good timing as my weight was starting to climb. I’m still working out, as usual, but I’ve been overeating more often lately.

Looking forward to a healthier me (but not the hunger as I get used to the smaller portions), and now I have to decide if I want to start tomorrow or the next day.

Gotta make some preparations first. Gotta make some space in the pantry and get my NS profile ready to go for weight/food/measurement logging and all that. It will be torturous but fun! :)

I was swimming in a pool, and then I was standing on a deserted shoreline in my dreams last night. I wanted to take a dip in the ocean, but the waves were too big to trust.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2014
For the first time since I’ve known my cyber friend Mitch, he was actually pretty rude to me on Facebook. I sometimes share some questions and answers from my first Ask account, and when I got up I found a rude comment asking if there was any way to block this “Ask crud.”

Is there some reason he couldn’t ask me this in private? Being blunt is one thing, being rude is another. It’s sad to see this once fun and creative guy turn into a little more than a political drunk. No wonder he’s always complaining that people badmouth him, and he even said something about being hit with a slander lawsuit. Well, he can either be more polite, or he can take a broom handle and shove it up his ass hard enough to knock his amazingly yellow teeth out.

Yesterday we made the Nutrisystem order I was planning to make. It was fun picking out all the foods since I got the custom Core Plan. Tom cracked me up because knowing how much he’d hate most of the foods, he said, “This would be easy for me. For breakfast, all I’d have to do is just order 21 chocolate donuts.”

The order is actually for 28 days, but it includes a free Fast Five in which the food is preselected. I’m looking forward to popping out these muscles and getting healthier, but I’m definitely not looking forward to the hunger part of it. As with any major change, things take time to get used to.

Their site seems pretty amazing with lots of support as well as fun tools to help keep you motivated. You log your measurements every month, your weight every week, and every day you check off how many cups of water you drink, as well as what you did for exercise, and then what you ate.

They also have blogs, journals, and a support community. You can even contact a counselor when the going gets tough.

We also ordered a couple of toe rings for me, and then Tom told me he wanted a new scale. I said, “Why do we need a new scale? The one we have works fine.”

But this one measures more than just your weight. Using an electric current that runs through your feet that you’re not supposed to be able to feel, it also measures your water bone and muscle density. Sounds pretty pricey, but it isn’t.

Had another dream of my dentist for some reason. I was gift-wrapping a long box that looked like it may have contained a couple of long fluorescent bulbs, LOL, much like what we just replaced in our kitchen. I knew that she knew that the gift was for her, and so when I tried to move it out of her view until I got it all wrapped, she stepped back so that it would be harder for her to see what it was. Then she said something about wanting to do something special for my birthday. I smiled like a happy kid, jumped up, ran and threw my arms around her.

“Aw,” she goes. LOL

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2014
Gonna be ordering Nutrisystem’s Core Plan later on, but I still wonder if my metabolism is alive enough to do this. I sure hope so! It says to expect to lose 5 pounds the first week, then 1-2 a week. I’d just hate to spend the money only to lose 3-4 pounds despite sticking to it faithfully. That is, after all, why I haven’t dieted in so long. I got sick of the initial few-pound loss and then how my body would stop losing even though I would keep dieting. If I’m going to work really hard I want to see results for my efforts!

Realized I haven’t had backaches in a while now. Wonder if it’s cuz I switched pillows or because I added back flies to my workout routine. Fucking winter, though! I want to exercise outside yet it is too cold. I miss the fresh air. We’re going to be in the high 20s in a few nights. Ugh!

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2014
Yesterday I had some random memories pop into my mind of my mother. One of them was about the way she would taunt me about my weight as a child. I have pictures throughout my entire youth yet where the hell was I “fat?” The only fat spells I had was a brief one when I was in my late teens, then after I quit smoking, and then when my thyroid crashed. But even at my fattest, I was never literally huge or anywhere near as big as she was.

It never ceases to amaze me how full of hypocrites this world really is. Lonely is the one who picks on those who prefer not to have tons of friends. Poor is the one who picks on those who don’t have much money. Fat and ugly is the one who picks on others for the way they look. Deceptive is the one who insists others are always bullshitting them.

Another memory I had which I have written about in the past is definitely the worst memory I have pertaining to my mother. I don’t remember exactly how old I was but I couldn’t have been more than 10 or so. We were at the beach at our summer cottage when I decided that I would go on a starvation diet that also included not having any liquids. At that age, I sure as hell didn’t know any better.

On the second or third day of this “diet”, I awoke incredibly weak and unable to get out of bed. Our cottage was tiny and I called to my mother for help who sat in the next room playing backgammon with her best friend Charlotte. She refused to help me, saying that I got myself into that mess so I would just have to be the one to get myself out of it. I can tell you for damn sure that had that kitchen not been right off the bedroom I slept in, there’s a damn good chance I may have died. I don’t think she ever even realized just how much of a risk she took by carelessly ignoring my cries for help. It took me hours to muster up the strength just to jump up and grab a devil dog, which was the closest thing I could grab from the kitchen. Then it seemed to take me another hour just to open the damn thing and eat it.

If she could materialize long enough I would absolutely torture her. Forget about all the other millions of things she put me through. I will never ever forgive her or the God above that sat back and allowed her to do the things she did to me. Must’ve been pretty fucking funny in His eyes. They say that when we go through shit in life it’s only God “testing” us. Yeah, how fucking tough do you think a 10-year-old kid is, you bastard?! How tough should she be?

Well, if there truly is an afterlife where we all meet up with dead family members, and if there truly is a God, not even He can stop me from inflicting my own brand of hell should we meet beyond the pearly gates.

My nieces are already having problems at their new apartment. Kids throwing sticks and balls at cars in the parking lot, I guess. I can just imagine the noise.

In one dream I had last night, Tom and I went and got a bunch of rats. We assumed they were all male rats. Then it hit us that some could be females that could also be pregnant. We were wondering how we should handle all the babies and if we should just try to weed out whatever female rats we could find right then and there and return them to the store or what.

In another dream, I might have won a house, but my dream self didn’t seem to know for sure. Well, the dream didn’t go on long enough for me to find out. Meanwhile, my parents were present – again – and I was trying not to get ahead of myself and let myself get all excited in case I was wrong.

Later…

They weren’t kidding when they said that keeping a journal could help us to see things more clearly later on down the road that may’ve flown over our heads when we wrote them. I’m not just referring to how naïve and stupid I could be when I was younger, but how utterly stupid I was when it came to Maliheh. shakes head in disgust When she finally contacted me in 2010, she said she hadn’t contacted me until then because she was instructed not to. At the time I took this to mean because I had told her not to contact me when I thought she was messing with me online before I learned it was someone else. I then apologized for accusing her and contacting her friends and told her I hoped to hear from her. Well, in hindsight – and I can’t believe I missed this knowing how vindictive she was/is – I can see that she probably went right on the legal defensive when I first contacted her about a book loosely based on us with a major twist of an ending. In blunt English, she was no doubt hoping to “get” me in some way being the totally unforgiving, hateful, spiteful person she can be, which means she probably consulted a lawyer who told her not to contact me (until the lawyer saw she had no case).

She even paid to get a copy of the old police report, and of course, she stated “facts” when she first contacted me on the old MyOpera site that was totally false. Whether or not her memory was just messed up or she was intentionally lying, I do not know. All I know is that she asked me to dance the instant I walked into the place and not the other way around. She voluntarily gave me her number. I did not ask someone else for it. She kissed me on the cheek on the way out that night and not the other way around. My pranks to her went on for less than half the time she claimed they did. I never pranked her after I was summoned to court as she also claimed because I was too afraid to. Lastly, never did I order Fran to call and threaten her. If he did, he did that on his own and that was very wrong of him. The guy’s dead, so he can’t speak for himself. I can only speak for myself.

So she states facts, half of which are incorrect or not quite right, then she goes on to make all these demands of me and I could really kick myself for being too nice and too forgiving like I was all in the name of how she looked. If anyone’s learned a lesson about seeing past some people’s beauty and into the coldness of their hearts, it’s me. Damn me for kissing her ass like I did! Really, I could kick myself for that and all because she was hot? Well, inside she was the cruelest, hateful, deceptive, mean, vengeful person I have ever had the misfortune of meeting. Maybe she did come to care for me for a while – I don’t know. Only she knows that, but that doesn’t matter anymore. The fact is that she befriended me under false pretenses and that was to see to it that her name was kept out of the book, which it has been.

That much I can see a person wanting. That much was pretty reasonable; wanting your name kept out of something someone might profit from, but who the hell was she to tell me not to use her name in my own damn blog? To what did she think I owed her that much anyway? And if she was oh so innocent all those years ago, then what was she so afraid of? Huh? What was she so afraid of? What did Little Miss Victim have to hide that she wanted her name kept out of this and kept out of that? And how could I have been so blind to see that that’s classic behavior of one who knows they did something wrong and wants to keep it hidden?

Well, she can rest assured she’ll never be named in any past or future books of mine, but not mention her in my own damn journal? I don’t think so! She’s out of my life and I seldom refer to her, but that’s my right to do so as long as I keep it within the law! I have read up on blogger’s rights and there is nothing that says I can’t use first names. Nothing. I have two rules I always abide by – no full names or other sensitive info and no threats. If you’re not a friend of mine, I’m not going to cater to your privacy wishes. Period. There is no law that says we can’t use first names as long as it’s not a public figure we’re insisting we had some wild affair with or something like that.

I’m sorry I let her appearance cloud my judgment. I normally see right through people’s bullshit. Had I not been so damn stupid where she was concerned, I could’ve seen what she was really after when she contacted me a few years ago, promising to always be my friend until she one day disappeared forever, realizing she’d gotten what she wanted and that I was no longer of any use to her. The dumb Jodi put up with her shit. The smart Jodi would slam the door in her face if she showed up here starving and homeless. She is just an absolutely miserable person that will no doubt continue to alienate people through her poor treatment of others, and I’m sure she still loves to use the law to get at those that piss her off, be it neighbors or anyone else. Probably still reads my blog here and there always looking for ways to screw me. shakes head sadly Some people are just born haters. I’m gonna end it right here. Thinking about her any more than I have to makes me sicker than sick. Why do some people hate themselves so much that they feel the constant need to make others just as miserable as they can, be it through the law or just by playing with their heads?

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2014
Last night I had a long detailed dream involving a visit to my still very much alive parents who wanted to pay to move us to Florida where they had a ground-floor apartment. The only catch was that we were still living in Phoenix, Arizona, and we had to stay with them until we got our own place. In reality, I would go back to Oregon before I stayed with them! I could stand my father but not my mother.

My dream self was torn because it isn’t very often that somebody offers to pay you to move you long distance, but I didn’t know how I could deal with having to sleep with Tom and the sleep schedule thing. Tom suggested that I simply explain it to my parents. I laughed at him and said, “You know how it is with people. When they don’t get it, it simply doesn’t exist. Period.”

I asked my father if it was quiet as we all sat in their living room. My mother said nothing and kept her eyes glued to the TV while Dad confirmed it was quiet. Pointing at the living room wall, I asked, is there somebody behind that wall? He nodded, and then I pointed to the opposite wall, which was in their kitchen, and asked if somebody was behind that wall as well. He nodded again.

In private I asked Tom if he thought maybe they were tired of us being so far away and if they liked the idea of us being closer to Tammy. He said he thought that could be part of it, but that we had to really be sure that’s what we wanted to do since it wouldn’t be that easy to get back out west once the move was made. Realizing we may never be able to move that far again until he was retired, I thought it through in my mind and decided we should go for it.

Suddenly, Andy and I were talking outside my parents’ place. He went inside the front door to wash his hands in the bathroom. A minute later, I followed, darting through the living room and by my dad who sat watching TV. I ran through to the back of the place, loving the feel of the solid floor beneath my feet that was on a concrete foundation, and then we slipped out the back door to go wherever.

I woke up for a minute, fell back asleep, and the dream actually continued with us returning to Phoenix to discuss things in further detail, and to Nane, who rented a room in our house for a steep $1200 a month, LOL.

Tom was taking a nap and Nane was packing her truck, telling me she planned to move on soon as well. I pretended to feel indifferent towards her as we spoke, but then I felt a twinge of sadness and I quickly kissed her goodbye before I turned and went indoors. I sat down to play a keyboard that had what I thought would be various sound effects programmed in it. Instead, they were simply clips of popular songs.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25, 2014
Very disappointed in my bronze Tamsin statue of a sitting nude lady. She’s half the size of the other two I have from that series. The figurine is a fine sculpt; it’s just way too small.

As they say, we can’t just eat right and work out, we have to eat less in order to lose more than just a few pounds. So I cut back the last two days after I’d begun to climb and lost 5 pounds. Ah, but they will be back real soon, for we are going to Denny’s in a few hours for my final eat-out meal before Nutrisystem. I tried their peanut butter and fudge pancakes when Andy visited and they were so damn good. I must have one more round before the diet begins! Nutrisystem does allow for snacks; just snacks that are 100 calories a pop and not over 1000.

So the video backs up the officer’s claims of self-defense, huh? So what. People are going to pitch a fit over it anyway seeing that some people obviously believe they should be allowed to be the thugs that they are without repercussions.

Not much in the way of dreams last night. Just something about us still being with the Jes pest and him saying he would put the dogs in a spot that would bother the hell out of me when we left. He would never be that considerate in person. When it came to his mutts, he was going to do what he was going to do, and to hell with those it may’ve put out.

Later…

Just got done playing with the rats, one of whom did not want to go home and is utterly obsessed with my slippers. I was sitting on the couch and the slippers disappeared one by one underneath it. Then we played our chase games and I got some laundry started.

It’s been a very quiet Christmas for what parts of it I’ve been around for. I thought there’d be lots of traffic coming and going and that people would have tons of company but it’s pretty dead around here.

Last night we went to Denny’s and I had my last pre-Nutrisystem gourmet feast. A handsome young black man who was rather slow waited on us, but it was still nice. Well, with the exception of the homeless man nearby with the cough from hell. I guess it’s safe to say that after all these hours whatever it was he had wasn’t contagious.

I ordered pancakes smothered in peanut butter and hot fudge, eggs, bacon and French fries. Everything that’s fattening and unhealthy whether you have high cholesterol or not.

This weekend we will be ordering the Nutrisystem plan I have chosen and I will begin in early January. Tom wants to lose weight too, and wants this new high-tech scale that measures your body fat, lean mass, water weight, and bone mass. Not sure it’s worth it, though. I mean it’s just going to tell me I’m small-boned, have more muscle than the norm, get watery once a month, and aren’t that fat but could still stand to lose a little. I’ll let Tom decide if he wants it or not.

The best news is that it’s been one whole month since I needed a chill pill! Yeah, Doc C, I really needed a shrink to get to this point. spoken with sarcasm I couldn’t possibly have been on too high a dose of levothyroxine.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2014
So another black kid, Antonio Whateverthehell, got shot he was supposedly unarmed and as innocent as a newborn babe. And of course, it won’t matter if the kid turns out to be a criminal who was actually threatening the cops into believing that their lives may be in danger because he was black, right? I mean so what if white people get shot too that don’t deserve to be shot. After all, they’re only white, and these days white lives don’t seem to matter nearly as much. Do you see anybody rioting and looting for them? I sure don’t.

But I’m also the last person to be a fan of the cops. I know without a doubt the corruption that goes on within any law enforcement agency in the world. Remember, once upon a time I saw it firsthand. Many, many times. As soon as you deal with anybody with any kind of authority, you’re almost always dealing with corruption. Despite the corruption out there, I know that color has absolutely nothing to do with the reason the vast majority of those get shot. They get shot because they’re criminals. Period. Act like a thug and you shall be treated like a thug. Are there some who are framed, or brought in on exaggerated, trumped-up charges? Absolutely. But that’s about power and control, not about color. The problem with most cops is that they want to “get” somebody. Anybody.

Yet in truth, if that many cops wanted to shoot people simply because they were black, there would be a million times more shootings going on, and I don’t have to be a legal or race expert to know this. Anyone with common sense could see this, but I realize most aren’t going to want to. A small handful of cops may be genuinely prejudiced, but the vast majority of them aren’t, and if they are, they’re not about to act on it. Not in this day in age where it’s not “politically correct” and people want to kill you for it. 50 years ago, sure.

I also realize that people are going to believe what they’re going to believe. No matter what evidence is turned up along the way as they investigate this case, once people make up their minds about what to believe, nothing is going to change it. If it turns out that this cop is married to a black woman people will still run around saying that it was all about race.

Do I feel guilty or ashamed for what my own personal opinions and beliefs are? Nope. Absolutely not. I make no apologies for how I feel, “normal” or not, and neither should anybody else. As far as who’s right and who’s wrong in this particular case, I guess only time will tell. Or maybe we’ll never know. Maybe the only ones who can ever really know what happened are those involved, and one of them is dead.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2014
Signing in on what’s a quiet day that will hopefully stay quiet. Didn’t get up till early afternoon, so I don’t expect that much noise anyway between now and when it gets dark. The only annoyance is that they just turned our water off. I’d have been pissed if I were in the shower.

All I remember from last night’s dreams had something to do with Doc C and her parents and my parents all getting together in the same house. My parents decided they had to leave as soon as her parents got there, and I was hoping that her parents wouldn’t think they left because they didn’t like them or anything like that.

Suddenly I realized I was hungry and I looked in her refrigerator to find slices of bologna and a package of cheese slices. I didn’t want to raid what little was in her refrigerator so I just peeled some of the edges off the bologna and ate that.

Then I saw a map of a floor plan lying on a table. It was the house that I knew she intended to get that was over 2000 square feet. Next to a room on the corner of the plan, she wrote, “Me and queer.” As I pondered who “queer” was, it then hit me that the party I was at probably had something to do with her getting this house. I wanted to chat with her but she was always talking with somebody else and I didn’t want to rudely butt in and interrupt them. And so I remained more or less in the shadows watching the people mingle.

Cutting back my food intake yesterday paid off since I’m down 2.2 pounds. My weight had been starting to climb, though it could have been water retention. I’m trying to take it easy anyway and sort of prep my body for Nutrisystem. That’s coming up in a couple of weeks or so from now.

Tom will be home in a couple of hours, and I wish it stayed lighter longer because then he might be more tempted to go on a bike ride with me. You know I think indoor working out is incredibly boring. It’s better than nothing, though. I guess I’ll go post this and then decide when I want to do today’s housecleaning.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 2014
This isn’t going to be a very long entry since I don’t have much to say. I don’t even remember my dreams from last night. It seems my dentist and her assistant may’ve been in one of them, and then there was something about packing.

Well, Andy should be done packing and on his way back to winter after enjoying a week of summery weather. Our T-shirt weather came back yesterday, though today’s not as sunny.

I looked on Amazon and Walmart for ring holders, and sure they have some cute ones with nice shiny colors. But when I saw one of a cat whose tail is used to hold rings, I thought to myself, bet I could save $5 - $20 and find one of my animals has a suitable tail to hold rings. Sure enough, I have a cat and a dog with tails sticking straight up. Decided the Siberian husky would make the best ring holder. Besides, it’s not like I’m going to end up with 20 toe rings anyway. Not with how hard they are to get on and off and adjusted properly. They don’t slip on and off like rings, and if they do, you won’t have them for very long.

Later…

I love Andy like a brother but I hate so much of his personality these days. I’m trying to think of excuses for not checking in with him as much that he’ll actually buy and be okay with. Well, he may not be okay with it, but he’ll at least get it. I don’t want to get into any kind of sophisticated lie, of course, but I’m trying to come up with something that’s simple and believable. If I just say I don’t feel like being online as much he’s not going to buy it. He will suspect something is up and that it has to do with him personally. I know him.

So Kim got mad at Aly and didn’t talk to her for a while today. Aly was trying to point out that she has reading comprehension problems that she can get over with time just like she did. Well, she took it personally. Honestly, though, I think Kim is naturally dumb, maybe even retarded. I’m sure there’s some kind of mental defect in her brain. After all, she’s got to be on disability for a reason besides the fact that she’s crazy.

I still don’t understand why Aly, or anybody else for that matter, would choose to surround themselves with people that are that fucked in the head. I know it’s her life and all that, but she says that they go back 10 years and her feelings for Kim are complicated and not so black and white.

I know I did the same thing myself when I was younger as far as mixing with the wrong people. Stupidity and instability were all I seemed to attract, and I was too nice and too forgiving to walk away from it. But then one day I grew older and wiser, and walk away was exactly what I did. The older me would never in a million years be friends with the likes of Fran, Nervous, and probably not even Andy.

Why would anybody want to be friends with a known liar and stalker, though? With people that are so damn selfish that they lack empathy and don’t care to pay attention to what their friends say. The constant stupidity alone would drive me crazy. Forget about all the lies and lack of sensitivity.

I know my growing pickiness has made me less tolerant, but whether or not my frustrations are right or wrong, I have no tolerance for brain-dead, selfish people who can’t shut up and haven’t an ounce of compassion for others.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21, 2014
When I got up I heard people talking outside and thought the phone company was back, but nope. Then the landscapers came around that got rained out last week, and then the guy in the garage on the opposite corner began working in his garage. Although his sawing isn’t as loud as Bob’s since he’s a few houses away, it can still be heard on this side of the house. I swear every other garage is used as a workshop here. As Andy asked, what’s the point of having a retirement community if they’re going to allow such loud sounds? And damn the cock neighbors! Never have I had a female neighbor that sawed and hammered like this. Never.

I realized next door isn’t on vacation after all. It later hit me that last year they also left their garage light on as a reminder so they would remember to turn their Christmas lights off before they went to bed.

Tom and I went out riding. I threw a few pieces of bread in my basket and we went down the “rollercoaster” and to the lake. We fed the ducks, then I sprinted off and really gave Tom a run for his money that left him out of breath, LOL. I’m gaining confidence as I get back to my old self. In less than a week, it will have been one month since I needed a chill pill and all the more reason I want to slap both my old docs for not recognizing that the problem was the meds and not me. I don’t care how hot one of them might’ve been! Again, it’s why I canceled the friend request if she even got it in the first place.

As I mentioned the other day, I sent Paula a letter. One of these days I’ll give her a call, but right now I’m not in the mood to listen to her ramble on and on about the same old shit for an hour or so, and then realize when I hang up that all I said was “yep, uh-huh, yeah, oh, okay, sure.”

I was browsing Amazon Prime for new music. How is it that today’s music has gotten to be so utterly boring as it has?

Safari was running awfully slow so I went back to Firefox. The only thing I’ll miss is the autocorrect.

In last night’s dreams, I was dying my hair with a dye that dried instantly and required no rinsing, then I was living in my grandparents’ house, and finally, I was watching footage from long ago of a bunch of people being captured. I don’t know why or who they were, but we watched one little girl try to run off before some guy caught her. The people I was watching the footage with were trying to guess where they’d been taken. I seemed to think they were somewhere in Europe.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20, 2014
What is today’s annoyance? Oh, just the phone company searching for bad wires around here somewhere, probably next door since they’re digging under their house. At least they aren’t running any loud equipment. Not yet anyway. I hear voices in the master bedroom, but nothing on this side of the house. That’s part of why I moved my office into this room; they’ve usually got a little too much going on over there between projects and services, though I haven’t heard any sawing or hammering since I last talked to him. I’m sure that’s more because of the weather than because he suddenly got hit with a dose of common courtesy.

The green waste people did pick up our green waste after all. It really looked like the truck just drove on by and ignored the bin. I’m glad they did pick it up after all.

Now the phone company people are gabbing on this side of the house and they just slammed something on one of their trucks 8 or 9 times. Packing up their equipment, I guess. What will it be tomorrow, the electric company again? The cable company? Or will someone have a tree cut down?

My hair is continuing to thin out and I wonder when it is going to stop. I suppose I should be glad since my hair was already so thick and thinner hair is certainly easier to manage. But I guess because I’m not used to having it thinner, I just don’t feel comfortable about it. I hope it stops before I have to consider Rogaine for women.

I looked at the different Nutrisystem plans they have to offer. There are three of them and they range from about $260 a month to $330. I decided I’m going to go with the middle plan. This one lets me choose my own foods. I just don’t have as much to choose from as with the third plan, but it’s enough.

When Tom told me our grand total of income for the last year and a half I was nearly blown away. $54,000! I couldn’t fucking believe it! Us, the people that were forced to live on just $1200 a month for two years! We have come a looong way! Can’t mention the specifics online. All I’ll say is that Maui’s looking more and more possible, even if a million things could happen between now and when he retires. Still not sure if he’ll work till he’s 70, though. Not if things keep looking as good as they have been. Not sure if he’ll retire at 62, either. We could make it, but not as comfortably.

Last night I dreamed I was with 2 or 3 Italian women who looked like characters from a book I wrote years ago. Steve, this wonderful black guy who lived across the hall from me in an apartment building in Springfield, MA in 1990, was also in the dream. He was one of the greatest people I ever knew. Very smart, very friendly, very helpful. Had looks not mattered to me (he wasn’t ugly, but he was just there), I’d have married him. Glad I didn’t, though, cuz Tom’s even smarter and friendlier and even more helpful.

Anyway, I was trying to help the Italian woman with a computer problem but was only getting so far. So I called upon Steve and was so glad to see him. I ran to him for a hug and he lifted me off my feet during our embrace just like he would in real life. It sucks that I’ve never been able to find him. I’ve always wondered how he’s been over the years.

In the second dream, I was in Maui. I had gone with Aly and didn’t seem to know Tom. The hotel room looked like a regular room, only there was also an enclosed bedroom. I was asleep in the enclosed room and woke up in the middle of the night. When I stepped out of the room, it was pitch dark in the main room. I thought I saw movement in the darkness, though, and worried someone broke into the room, not thinking Aly would just walk around in the dark like that without saying anything. I turned on the light and found I was alone.

I heard a hotel staff member walk by outside and asked her what time it was. She said it was 4am and it worried me that Aly wasn’t back yet from wherever she’d gone off to when she dropped me off at the room earlier in the night.

I thought I overheard her mention fugitives to someone else and once again I wondered if something had been in our room. I quickly found my purse and made sure everything was intact, and it was.

Then I stepped through a part of the wall that only had a curtain hanging in that section of it and marveled at the perfect temperature and breeze. I realized how cold it would be back home at the moment. I could see people roaming about down on the beach despite the hour and looked up to see a surprising amount of stars visible in the night sky.

Then my worries went back to Aly’s whereabouts. I realized I had no idea how to get home on my own since she was the one who had been taking care of the ground and air transportation. Convinced I may never be able to get back to the mainland, I realized this was my chance to live in the perfect climate. Then I told myself to stop kidding myself. I said, “You can’t go without a place to live or without food. You can’t survive on the streets in an ideal climate any more than you could in a colder one. That’s why you nearly killed yourself, remember?”

Desperate to find Aly, I was off in search of my smartphone so I could see if I could get ahold of her, wherever she was, and that’s where the dream ended.

Later…

Just thought I would take some time to write down some thoughts, even though I’m actually speaking them right now. I just have to keep this private, since it’s about Kim. For the thousandth time, why the hell is it that this stalker is acting like she’s the victim? Why has she blocked me on Twitter when she’s the one that stalked me for many years?

It started when I checked out Aly’s followers out of curiosity. I found many of Kim’s so-called fan pages in dedication to her celebrity obsession. That was when I noticed that she had blocked me as if I actually gave a shit. I don’t know why it bothered me to see this, but it did. I really hate being treated like somebody I’m not, and I really hate to see others act like somebody they’re not. I dumped this woman for lying to me and then she stalked me for years all the while playing the victim. Again, I know this shouldn’t bother me and that I should just ignore it since it doesn’t affect anything I do online, but for some reason, it really bothers me. Why do some people flatter themselves by thinking that people are giving them the attention they’re not giving them? I just don’t understand this, but if she’s as crazy as I think she is then she would really believe I’m watching her every move. Or maybe it’s just one of the many roles that she likes to play. After all, she does love role-playing and she has admitted this herself. A part of me was tempted to make my tweets private, and then I decided not to let any of these trolls control my online actions. I’m not going to do anything because of what somebody else does, but because I want to do it.

The questions on Ask have stopped, so if it was Kim, she got scared off by my hinting at her street name, though I doubt it was Molly. Molly seems to have FINALLY let go and moved on from me. The reason I doubt Molly is because of the lack of blog views and because she’s so obsessed with Josh right now that she doesn’t even mention Aly. If she’s not focusing on Aly, then she sure as hell isn’t focusing on me. She wouldn’t go to Ask without going to Blogger.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 19, 2014
I “talked” out a 722-word letter to Paula, made some minor edits, then hit print. Amazing!

I was surprised yesterday when I heard Tom come home early. Well, they were having a Christmas party at work and he didn’t think the food was very good so he left early.

After he came home we took the bikes out and rode for about a mile. He has an ear infection and I had cramps so we didn’t want to go much further.

Last night I thought that next door might be on vacation because their garage light was on which they rarely ever have on. When they went on vacation last year the people that housesat for them left it on all the time, but it later went off so I guess they are not away.

Got some goodies in the mail (hey, I always do). Another one of those erotic figures made of cold cast bronze. Plus I’m going to put some of my work money towards a couple of new toe rings (which Google wanted to tell you were “toll rates”). One is blue glitter and the other is purple with a green vine-like design around it. I almost got a pink one with a dolphin, but wanted a design that wraps all the way around the ring. I hate it when the rings are upside down. I prefer rings that can never be upside down even when they are upside down.

Andy texted me to let me know it’s gorgeous in Pompano Beach. Not here. Here it’s raining, but I love how quiet it’s keeping things. Instead, Bob annoyed me in my dreams. I dreamed were actually attached to him and Virginia. Tom was taking a nap and I was just finishing up the dishes when I realized it was getting late in the afternoon. This made me hopeful that it would be quiet for the rest of the day, but sure enough, I heard what sounded like a drill start up. I woke up wondering if I should take the nicer route and say, “Hey, look. You can’t be doing shit like that around here with people so close to you.” Or should I just smash him over the head with the damn thing?

I am so fucking pissed! Last week they didn’t pick up our green waste. Tom called and was told it was recycle week that week. So we put our green waste bin out this week and the guy ignored it. I am going to be so fucking pissed if we were the ones that were right and they were the ones that fucked up!

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 18, 2014
The instant I got up and clicked off my sound machine, I could hear Bob’s blower next door. This is the third day in a row too, that I got up at 9am. Guess something up there wants me to hear shit around here.

After his blower, and what might’ve been a few seconds of hammering, he got up on his roof to hose leaves off his carport roof.

I’m sure the park landscaping frenzy will begin any second now. I’m going to have to accept the fact that as long as we live here and as long as it’s not raining or really hot, this place is going to be noisy whether I like it or not and whether I think a retirement community should be like this or not. We’re going to be here for at least another decade unless we lose the place, so I am just going to have to learn to adapt once and for all. Quiet places may exist for others but they simply do not exist for me. Never has, never will.

My waste of time chat with Joy proves I need to just deal with it. After nearly two hours of something really loud running yesterday, I called and asked her why it’s a daily thing here while other places do their landscaping just once a week. I was surprised when she told me it was because if they don’t keep up on it on a daily basis they not only get behind but they get calls with a lot of pissed-off people complaining. I am really surprised that people would rather hear all this racket for some pretty visuals. Of course you don’t want the place to get too shabby looking but every single fucking day still seems a bit extreme to me. I realize, though, that the majority rules, and since I seem to be the only one here who’s bothered by it, they’re not going to change their routine anytime soon.

I realize that some of the racket could be coming from houses outside of the park as well as the golf course or the cemetery, but I really think it was inside the park.

Now I hear a car alarm going off. I may have to do my “talking texts” later in the evenings because it is just too distracting here in the daytime. At least it’s peaceful at night.

The “red lady,” as I have been referring to the woman across the street with the red SUV, has returned from wherever she was for a few days.

Later…

LMAO! I was trying to tell Aly via speech to text that I didn’t mind the parakeet we had over a decade ago singing when I was doing dishes, but would long to take a bat to the thing’s head when it would go on and on while I was trying to talk on the phone, and Google keeps saying I wanted to take a “bath.” LOL

Andy’s on the plane now and on his way to his brother’s place in Pompano Beach. Hoping he forgot the damn Kindle! He should be busy having fun and doing things he doesn’t normally do, not playing online.

Tammy called yesterday and I decided to answer, figuring I wouldn’t feel guilty about ignoring her as much as I hate chatting live as long as I answer at least every month or two, LOL. Most of the time I’m not even aware it’s ringing anyway.

She and Mark are doing the best they’ve done and probably what’s years. They are now looking at manufactured homes for what I guess will be a retirement community. I told Tom that I warned her about having to deal with daily landscaping, but he had a good point in saying that maybe not because they don’t have trees that lose their leaves there during the winter like we do here.

She is also continuing her work as a victim’s advocate and says that her place is still quiet and the people are very friendly. I joke about moving in next door to her and how all that would change, and it’s true, it would change if I moved in next to her. Noise loves to follow me wherever I go.

Anyway, she has Haitian neighbors that cooked dinner one night for them and she says it was really good.

I didn’t know this but she almost died when she had a hysterectomy. I know she had a hysterectomy several years ago because of cancer, but I didn’t know that she also had a staph infection that nearly killed her. So something up there likes to tease us both with death, I guess.

Last night I dreamed that I came upon a brown rat that looked like Tinkerbell, a rat we had about 8 years ago that was the best rat we ever had. She was just as friendly and playful as Tinkerbell was. She’d just had a litter of babies and I wanted to keep some of them, including her. I was watering some backyard somewhere and all the rats were sitting on the grass and I was trying not to get them too wet while I flooded a plant that had been drying out.

Then I had a dream involving my dad. I guess I was desperate or something because he handed me a wad of cash before they were to take him to prison for who knew what. I asked something like, “Will this save us?” and he looked at me as if to say of course it will.

Those bills must have been really big then!

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 2014
They said it was supposed to rain today but right now it just seems very cloudy. Last night it rained quite a bit and there was even a bit of thunder.

People have commented on how well I am able to remember a lot of my dreams. Well, the trick is to repeat keywords to yourself upon waking up, and then jot down notes as soon as you get out of bed. I have to wait for a half-hour before I can eat or drink because of my meds, so that is when I usually write these things down.

From last night’s dream, the only one I really remember is getting up in the middle of the night. I left our house and went outside. It was still pitch dark out. I walked a short distance to another building and was going to unlock the door and enter it when I realized it was already open. I saw light glowing deeper within and for a split second, I was worried that somebody broke into whatever this other building was that was supposed to be ours.

But then I saw Tom sitting by either a TV or a computer.

“It’s 4:30 in the morning,” I said to him, and he started to talk but I don’t remember what he said.

The only other things I remember are just little snippets of things but no details. Me standing in a shower stall, me looking at a stack of candy, me looking at a video of myself on a beach somewhere and thinking that I really didn’t look that fat after all. And then there was somebody speaking incorrect Spanish saying “la gato” when it should’ve been “el gato.”

While Google’s speech-to-text is still pretty damn accurate, it comes up with some funny bloopers at times. Yesterday I was telling Tom that I heard landscaping, someone sawing somewhere, and chainsawing as well. Sometimes I refer to landscaping as Laubsaugers, which is German for leaf blower, and it thinks those are either lob suckers or love suckers. It was hilarious when the thing said, “Today I got to hear one chainsaw, one circular saw, and a lot of suckers.”

It also decided that anxiety is society, so when I told Tom I doubted that what I was feeling was anxiety, it came out as “I doubt it’s society because you were home at the time.” Haha.

Here we go right now with the daily landscaping/Laubsauger gig. Every. Fucking. Day. :( I knew the park would blow off my email suggesting they limit it to once or twice a week, too. Some people/businesses are going to do what they’re going to do no matter what.

Later…

Tammy called yesterday and yack, yack, yack, yack, yack! What is it with people not letting me get a word in edgewise these days? Do they feel I’ll bore the shit out of them or something, LOL? It was great to chat with her, but still, it would be nice if some people could JUST LISTEN at times AND care enough to remember more of what I say than just their own experiences. shrugs She’ll remember enough, though.

It seems that everyone I’ve talked to by phone or in the park rambles on and on and cuts me off, except for Tom. Jesse was like that, too. I don’t understand why people do this to me, but because there are so damn many mouths in this world it must be a common thing and not just something people feel the need to do to me personally. There are, after all, a lot of selfish people out there.

I finally heard from Paula today. She sent a Christmas card. While that was very nice of her and it’s great to finally hear from her, I dread calling her because I know I’m going to get the same non-stop rambling with her, too. There is nothing more frustrating than finally getting a word in edgewise just to be cut off in the middle of a sentence. She’ll ask me something and I’ll say a sentence or two. Then she’ll ramble on and on about how what I just said relates to her and I can’t finish whatever it was I was saying about that particular subject in the first place. Drives me fucking crazy! It’s part of why I don’t socialize much offline; cuz I know the friendship would have to be all about them and not us.

The fact that I didn’t get to tell her shit about me by the time we finally hang up (not that she would care to remember most of it anyway), seems rather sad. It just seems all wrong when I realize to myself that if I want her to know what’s going on with me I’ll have to send her a letter even though we were just on the fucking phone for an hour.

Can anybody ever just shut up and listen? Sometimes I want to talk, too. Sometimes I have stories to tell about my own experiences, and guess what? They’re just as interesting as yours!

Ah, it felt so good to get that off my chest! My husband and my blog seem to be the only places I can vent anyway, LOL.

I’m also wondering why the Michigan PBer just peeked in on me. She’s the one that dumped me, so why the interest all of a sudden?

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 2014
Well, I can no longer say it rarely rains here. Today is supposed to be dry and so I don’t expect it to be very peaceful. The landscapers have already been in front.

Still loving Google’s speech-to-text! I just hate it when I have to clear my throat or something because then it confuses it. I like to speak-write my journal and whatever dreams I can remember from the previous night while I am waking up with coffee. It’s just that for some strange reason I wake up a little congested. I have no idea why since I do not smoke.

Although I have never been a fan of holidays and I personally find them to be more of a pain in the ass than anything else, I really like the seasonal flavored coffee creamers they have at this time of year. I’m trying the Snickerdoodle right now and it’s pretty good. Not as good as Crème Brulee but it is still good.

I already got this journal entry out of order because once I pause the microphone in between thoughts, it causes the cursor to jump back to the very beginning. I will have to remember this in the future and also organize this entry before I post it online.

The person who always used to say that text messaging was a complete waste of time has already sent text messages to both Tom and Alison. I would still have that very same attitude if it weren’t for the fun speech-to-text.

Tom threw away my raspberry jelly last night. His airheaded wife did not refrigerate it after opening it like she was supposed to.

After my coffee is finished I need to jump in the shower and wash my rapidly shedding hair. I just hope that it doesn’t thin to the point of bald spots. Right now it is still long, thick and curly.

I paused this entry to shower and eat. My day has been off to a rough start. I couldn’t eat in peace, thanks to the landscapers, and then I felt like something was stuck in my throat, which set off my anxiety. And then I had the runs a few times. I think I’ll survive, though.

My heart’s been a little racy the last few days, or more so it’s been beating hard than fast. Really hope it’s not connected to the medication.

Tom called the green waste people yesterday but it turns out that last week was recycle week, not green waste. Oops.

Last night I had a dream that one of my Prosebox buddies nursed me back to health when I had a really bad flu. I guess Tom was really busy or something and she felt the need to jump in and help, LOL.

I also dreamed that I was held somewhere against my will. I don’t know what kind of a place it was, though. It seemed like money was needed to get me out so maybe there was some type of ransom demanded. Tammy told me that she was going away for a few days and one of the things she was going to be doing was gambling. My dream self knew that somehow her gambling and winning money would help get me out of there. I started to slip and tell her that somebody (Jessie?) already told me she was going gambling and made me promise not to tell anybody that they told me. Wherever this place was, they couldn’t have treated me too poorly because I was telling somebody, “People give me tea here.”

Aly had her upper teeth pulled yesterday. Says there’s been more bleeding than pain, and of course it feels really weird. It’s going to take time for her to get used to.

Andy is to be going to Florida in a few days and he told me that he would keep in touch with me on Ask just like he normally does. This is because he is taking his new Kindle with him, admitting that he can’t go a day without going online. I am so sorry that he got that damn Kindle! They obviously aren’t keeping him busy and entertained enough during his vacations. I like the occasional breaks from Ask because then it makes it more special when he returns.

Starting to wonder if any of the questions on my other Ask account came from Mary. As in Mary G turned Mary D. Someone from Fort Meyers entered my blog from there last night after I received some questions.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 15, 2014
Smartphones will spoil the hell out of you. I can’t imagine ever not having one at this point in my life. I love how I can use Google speech to text and speak my journal entry into an email to myself and then later I copy it into the journal itself. I’m not typing this at all. Might have to make a few edits, though I do that anyway before I post things.

This speech-to-text program seems to be a lot more accurate than Dragon’s and other software I have used. As long as you don’t talk too fast and you enunciate each word as clearly as possible it really is a wonderful thing to have. Very convenient. I still hate to talk on the phone live, but I can’t imagine ever living without a smartphone ever again!

When I got up at six in the morning it was raining and it still is so I don’t expect much noise today. Tom is going to call the green waste people because they did not pick up our green waste last week. He still wants to trim the bushes and back but the problem is that we need someplace to put the stuff.

I noticed since I got up that the lady across the street wasn’t home. In fact, she wasn’t home last night either. We saw a vehicle with blinking lights in front of her house and thought it was a cop car or an ambulance at first. But then we realized that it was some sort of service truck. I just hope nothing’s wrong with her and she is simply going away for vacation. She is too quiet of a neighbor to lose. It would be my shit luck to have somebody move in there that was noisy. Someone who would leave their dog out in the carport to bark during the nicer weather. Someone who would do woodworking projects there as well. I wish all my neighbors could be single females because it’s usually the men who are a problem as far as noise goes.

Facebook continues to be fucked up. A friend of mine has been unable to post anything on her account and now Andy got a three-day block on his own account as well. As soon as they pull something like this on me I’m definitely going to deactivate.

Dreams: A spider was slowly crawling down the wall of the bedroom. I grabbed a tissue and went to kill it but then I found that it was faster than hell. It continued on down the wall until it hit the floor and then it ran across the floor and disappeared.

Then I had a dream that we were living in what appeared to be a duplex. There was a Mexican couple living next door. I looked out our window and saw a bunch of cars, indicating that they were having a lot of company. A split second later I was next door with them. The woman was in her kitchen and the bedroom was right behind it and adjacent to our own bedroom. She said that her husband was asleep and they were trying to be quiet so they didn’t wake him up. I had to wonder how the hell he could sleep through that many guests, quiet or not.

The last dream took place by what was either a river or a canal that was about 20 feet wide. Some woman walked up and approached the stairs that descended into the water on one side and I told her to be careful. “Okay,” she said.

Next thing I know she dives into the water and swims out into the middle of the canal. I thought to myself that the water had to be absolutely freezing. She then looks down into the water as if she’s curious as to how deep it is and then submerges herself underwater. Soon I can barely see her head about 4 feet below the surface. It was at that point that I started to get really nervous.

Why is it that when I have dreams pertaining to sex it is usually me getting it on with myself and not somebody else getting it on with me? In another of last night’s dreams, I was super horny and I went into the bathroom to put on this really sexy outfit, though I don’t know why I would do such a thing. When I got back onto the bed thinking of some hot chick while I was at it, I came before I even got started.

Later…

I am still no closer to figuring out who is asking me questions on ask. My suspicions still lie with Kim or Molly. I do have a few other theories as well. There are so many people it could be for various reasons. The person asked me why I haven’t updated my my-diary lately. This is the exact same question they have asked me before. So if it isn’t Kim or Molly, it is at least somebody who is connected to that site or at least very aware of it. Could it be that Noone that loved to complain that I complained too much? I highly doubt that it is Molly’s mother because she still should be in pretty bad shape.

Molly doesn’t often mention her mother in her blog. It is mostly about her mixed emotions about Josh and the people at Marbridge making her life hell, supposedly. The only thing that goes against it being Kim is the correct spelling. The thing that goes against it being Molly is the lack of her appearing to visit my blog.

I also wonder if it could be someone else I know or have known. Andy, Tammy, Eileen, Mitch, Aly, someone in Arizona, etc. First guess is still Kim or Molly. If it is Kim, that would mean she’s not as scared of me as Aly says she thinks she is. I hinted at knowing where she lives (Kim), so if they suddenly stop asking me questions, I might suspect it was Kim and NOW she really is scared of me.

Aly says Molly messaged her on thoughts, but since she can’t delete her account there, she’s just ignoring it.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 2014
It has been cold, dry, and at least somewhat noisy during the daytime. I have heard sawing for the last two days that is really distracting and annoying. Don’t think it’s coming from inside the park, though. This is the shit I thought I left behind in the woods of Auburn, but apparently not.

Although I know it won’t do me any good, I finally went to the park’s website and gave them a piece of my mind on the daily landscaping and the allowing of loud power tools for unnecessary work. They have sections designated for gardening, so why not for woodworking, too? And why don’t they restrict both the park and the homeowners to just 1 or 2 days a week with the landscaping? This is a retirement community. I should be peaceful! Yet in the morning, I will have to listen to the park do the same area they just did barely 24 hours ago, then in the afternoon I will hear so and so trimming bushes, and then in the evening so and so will be out to saw, hammer, mow or blow.

So last night I was packing our things in my dreams from some really big room on an upper floor. Andy came upstairs at one point and I told him to tell Tom I’d be done in 10 minutes. Yet the more I packed the more it still seemed I had tons of stuff to pack.

I then dashed throughout the room and said something like, “Thank goodness for being in shape.”

I also pulled a tiny corner shelf out of the wall and noticed that the lights kept turning off on their own.

Then my VH sister Becky appeared and suddenly it was daytime.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2014
Supposedly, Kim found me by accident on Prosebox, freaked out and is considering leaving there that’s how scared she is of me since I let her know what I would do if she continued not to leave me alone. This is what Alison told me anyway. Also according to Aly, she’s so scared of me that she doubts she reads my tweets or would be asking me questions on Ask, even anonymously.

I love it when stalkers play the victim. rolls eyes Anyway, I first thought it might be Molly, but the spelling is too correct, Molly’s only online every few days from what her Josh blog says, and she never peeked in my blog. I just find it odd that she would check me out on Ask and not my blog. Then again, I also find it odd that she hasn’t mentioned Aly in so long. Too preoccupied with Josh maybe? Molly also says in her blog that she’s only online every few days, so we’ll see if they ask things when she appears to have updated her blog.

The questions appear to be from someone who’s questioned me anonymously in the past, based on the wording, but they’ve been innocent questions like do I celebrate holidays and things like that. They do, however, seem afraid to identify themselves. They ignore me when I ask if I ever talked to them before on a blogging site.

I checked to see if gifts could be sent without an account, and they can. They just can only be sent anonymously that way, of course. Maybe this is the same person that sent me a birthday gift. Whoever it is definitely wants to keep their identity secret and I can only think of two reasons why. They’re either someone who knows I can’t stand them, or they might feel I’ll be more truthful in my answers if they don’t reveal who they are. Can’t say they’re fishing for personal info, because nothing personal has been asked of yet pertaining to my location or anything like that.

It could be anyone – Kim, Aly, my own sister, a VH sister, Eileen, Christine, Nane… anyone. Pretty sure they’re in the US based on their apostrophes, which look sort of backward in EU, though I can’t speak for other continents because I’ve had limited contact with people over there as opposed to EU.

Did a little test to see if they came to their own defense by impersonating them with additional questions I made sure appeared to be from them. Anonymously, of course. I had them say things like they would tell me who they were in time, but could I guess in the meantime? It will be interesting to see if they go along with it or not.

Maybe I’ll even do an Andy test to see if my suspicions are right about him liking to talk about something the less I want to hear about it. On Facebook, I can make a post only he can see when I start my diet, asking people to go easy on the food talk and see if he turns right around and mentions food two seconds later.

I definitely agree with a point Tom made earlier in that part of his memory issues is a personality thing. He’s selfish, as he himself admitted. Selfish people tend to only remember their own experiences.

Later…

The weekend is here! Tom’s still asleep, but later on we’ll be going to Walmart. I hope he’s up before it gets too crowded.

It also looks like the weather will be nice enough to get in a bike ride. It’s supposed to be dry all weekend. The rain is to return on Monday. Perfect timing! Our highs are only in the 50s these days and right now it’s a chilly 48°.

For dreams, I was sitting with Tammy somewhere and bitching to her about the lack of home jobs available for those unable to work outside of home.

Then I got a quick “glimpse” into the past and viewed a scene of my mother and her mother in a kitchen somewhere. My mother couldn’t have been a day over 16. My grandmother was still somewhat thin and had her hair pulled back in a ponytail. What is it with this bitch showing up in my dreams so much lately anyway?

Then I had a dream Aly was in. It was as if I didn’t know Tom. I don’t know where she and I were living at the time, but we were planning to get an apartment together. She was to take care of the expenses and I was to take care of everything else.

So we were at some club and the dance floor was packed. Some German guy that spoke no English kept badgering Aly for a dance but she wasn’t interested. She told me to tell him to back off and I did. The guy took off and Aly said something about how I seemed to know a lot of German. “Well, we know who to thank for that,” I said.

She then pulled me by the arm toward the dance floor and said, “Well, I’m glad you’re not friends with her right now. Let’s dance!”

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12, 2014
Still raining out. Hasn’t rained like this in years! I’d rather be on the beach in Maui, but it sure is keeping things quiet around here.

Felt a touch jittery yesterday, but nothing serious. I’m fine now and I hope I stay that way. It’s been two weeks since my last chill pill, which might be a record for me.

I just wish I wasn’t so torn on things at times! Should we get a kitten or stick to rats? Should I cut my hair to my shoulders or let it keep growing? It’s almost to the middle of my back when pulled straight. Do I try Nutrisystem for a month or do I just stay the way I am since I’m only a little overweight?

Had a dream that I was in the house where I grew up that was next to my maternal grandparents. The only difference was that you could see into their backyard in the dream from the cellar window which didn’t exist in real life and wasn’t as huge as this one was. Nana was in her backyard leading an aerobics class or something. She saw me looking out the window at her and she mouthed the words, “Yes, you can do this too,” with body language that hinted at sarcasm. I was busy doing laundry, though.

Later…

Sometimes I still wonder about Andy. Is he really having memory issues, or just playing with me? His admission yesterday sort of confirmed that he likes to gross me out/annoy me when I commented on a pic of a hairy guy he posted being gross. His response was that he “loves showing me pics of hairy guys.”

And other things he knows I don’t like or care for? I’ve wondered this at times. I mean it’s just a coincidence (or is it) that he posts a pic of pizza after I mentioned on Facebook that my meds were making me hungry. How about when I mentioned, also on Facebook, signs of those preoccupied or even obsessed with food and then he turns around and mentions what he’s having for dinner? There was something else he recently did that made me wonder, and well, I’ve had these same suspicions all along.

The memory issues and the OMG stupidity are getting to me, too. How many times do I have to explain the same goddamn things to him? He last asked me if there were others I texted besides Tom. Just 5 hours earlier I told him I texted with Aly. I asked if he was reading my questions/answers in haste, and I get, “What do you mean, reading in haste?” I am so ready to beat my head into the wall where he’s concerned! Just what is it with him??? Early dementia? Just not paying attention? Not giving a shit? Playing games? This isn’t just an issue of forgetfulness, but an issue of stupidity as well. He just doesn’t get things you would think most people would get.

I don’t know what’s worse at times, whether it’s intentional or not, the way he at least appears to go out of his way to offend or gross me out, his memory issues, or his stupidity. If he truly is suffering from memory loss lately, that can make him appear dumber than he actually is. I’ve thought of suggesting that he ask his doctor about it, but I figure he’ll just get offended as if I were attacking him and then counterattack by throwing my sleep disorder in my face or something.

Although it’s conceivable that he could be playing with me with the memory thing, since I know that if he can play with me on other things he could with this too, but at this point I think his memory issues are very real. I just don’t know what’s causing it. My guess is all the years of being a pothead. It really does fry the brain.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 11, 2014
Dear Levothyroxine: Thanks for making me feel better. I am no longer dizzy. I am no longer moody or anxious for no apparent reason whatsoever. I don’t go from hot to cold as much. I’m not skinny but I have a nice hourglass shape and can now eat what I want without gaining weight so long as I run or ride my bike a few miles a day. My voice is no longer hoarse at times and the burning sensation is gone too. Now will you PLEASE STOP KNOCKING THE HAIR OUT OF MY FREAKIN HEAD?!

The more I get back to my old self and think about Doc Sexy, the more pissed off I get. I know she told me my ingrown toenail might grow back, but had she done it right the first time around, we wouldn’t have wasted hundreds of dollars for nothing.

Secondly, and as Tom pointed out months ago, I didn’t need a shrink (which I did not see), I needed a dose of medication that wasn’t too high for me. Giving me a low dose of lorazepam at the time was fine and even the counselor referral was ok too, but a shrink that can give me medication just so I can take a dose of another medication that’s too high for me? That’s just ridiculous! To think that she and two other so-called pros told me to keep on taking 75mcg when it was making me feel like utter shit really pisses me off.

She was good for the biopsy I had done and she was good for the rash I had as well, so I can’t go so far as to say she was a bad doctor. She was great in many ways, but definitely wrong for me as a whole. Maybe if I’d had the problems I had years ago with asthma and allergies she would’ve been just fine, but with my current situation I definitely did right by giving her up and I definitely did right by dropping Dr. D and Sutter altogether.

I also withdrew the friend request I had sent her, but I honestly doubt she even got it, or the message I sent her, knowing how glitchy Facebook can be. The message I sent never came up as being seen. Why would she read it and then mark it as unread? Most likely because she didn’t get it or the friend request, but it doesn’t matter. Hottie or not, I don’t care to be friends with her at this point, though I do wish her the best of luck in life.

The wind is whipping and I forgot to write down my dreams as soon as I got up, so I wouldn’t forget them. Damn!

We’re supposed to get 5” of rain today! That’ll keep things quiet around here as it should be for being a retirement community. All I hear is the wind and wind chimes right now.

SMUD arrived at 8:30 yesterday morning, but didn’t turn off the power till around 9:15. They replaced the transformer diagonally from us that serves something like 9 houses. Didn’t realize our electricity ran underground, but it does. For someone who’s normally observant, it’s strange that I never realized till yesterday that there are no utility poles or power lines running from house to house.

After they lifted the transformer off the truck with a crane and put it in place, the power came back on about 20 minutes later. In the meantime, I texted Tom, Andy, Tammy and Aly. That Google speech-to-text thing can get addicting! It’s fun to use, though not always accurate.

Tom read an interesting article about rats. Unlike dogs and cats, which have been pets for thousands of years (well, dogs aren’t usually pets in the West), rats have only been pets for about 100 years. Rat catchers used to gather rats from people’s homes in the early 1900s, throw them in a pen with a dog, and then people would bet on how fast it would take the dog to kill all the rats. Disgusting and cruel!

I also learned that more of the rats have names besides the hooded ones. Cream-colored rats with a spec of brown on the nose like my Sugar ratty are Himalayan rats. Dark brown rats with white paws and bellies like Romeo was are Berkshire rats. If they have colored heads with stripes running down the back like Hoodie, they’re Hooded. If they only have colored heads, they’re Capped.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 2014
After growing horribly weak and thin, especially over the last few days, Romeo finally died yesterday morning shortly after Tom left for work. I was surprised he hung on as long as he did, though I thought he’d make it another day or two. He now rests under the cypress trees.

I’m surprised Sugar outlived him after having a stroke last May, but he’s only a month or two younger, so I don’t expect him to make it to the spring.

Young Hoodie is getting to be a real attention whore, haha.

Still torn about getting a kitten. They’d be less work and I like the idea of having a pet that lives more than just 2-3 years. They don’t catch on as fast as rats even though they can learn some things. One thing Tom recently read is that they have an inability to think things through and will do things like climb to high places without making sure they can get back down first. A rat, however, is intelligent enough to think before climbing, and they will. I also don’t know where I’d move some of these breakables to, so we’ll see.

Completed Dutch Basics 1, Basics 2, and Phrases, and now it’s on to Food and then Plurals.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 2014
I rejoined Tumbler a couple of days ago and couldn’t think of a creative username at the time, so I grabbed one of their suggestions – ButteryHappyLand. Tom got a kick out of it. I’m backing up entries by the month there. Meaning that a whole month’s worth will go in one long post. The posts will be separated by giant HD photos for those with large screens to enjoy. I’ve got the late 80s and most of the 90s posted.

It just really annoys me when people follow me there or on sites like Twitter for all the wrong reasons. Meaning that they want me to buy something from them. They don’t have a genuine interest in my blogs/tweets.

Tom and I are going to ride the perimeters really early this morning. Really hope my little heart can handle the hills! It should be ok with the gear wheel. I’m so glad he likes working out with me because I’m definitely not ready to go out there alone.

Last night I dreamed I was lost in a huge building and asked a stout black lady for directions to get somewhere. She told me to take the elevator up a few floors and exit the back door. I guess the elevator had two doors and the place I was looking for was on a back floor.

In another dream, I was at the home of my maternal grandparents. For some reason, I was terrified of Pa and believed that Nana was, too. I ran down the hallway and into a bedroom where I called the police on my cell.

They asked me for the number of the house, but I couldn’t think of it. Finally, I just said, “Look for Berkeley Dr. I grew up there and my grandparents are in the house to the left.”

It seemed like I was on the phone with them forever and I finally said, “Why hasn’t anyone shown up yet?”

Just when I thought they’d hung up on me or the connection had dropped, the dispatcher said, “Some would say you’re the problem.”

“What?!” I said with confusion and frustration. Not knowing what they were implying or wanting to deal with people who obviously weren’t willing to help me, I ran out into the living room to see if Nana was ok. She appeared to be asleep on the couch while Pa sat in a chair nearby. Although his eyes were open and glued to the TV, I thought he was asleep.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 8, 2014
Although these rats have fooled me before and have defied death, I’d say Romeo’s days are definitely numbered. He’s anorexic, can barely move, and is old as hell in ratty years.

Andy thanked me for not dumping him after he visited (I don’t know why he thought I would do that at such a time).

After the guilt bit me on the ass after “frivolously” dumping people years ago simply because I needed to “clear my head” or “find my way” or because I “didn’t need” a particular person in my life, I vowed to be a better, more devoted friend. I may get annoyed with some people at times just as they do with me, but from here on out, in order to qualify for a Jodi dumping, you must have the following traits:

The inability to accept me as I am without trying to control, change or judge me (though this doesn’t mean you can’t kindly tell me the color yellow looks shitty on me).

The ability to lie to me.

The willingness to use and abuse me at will to suit your own personal pleasures.

An obvious lack of compassion and empathy should I become ill, poor, pissed, mad, sad or fearful of something be it a pack of angry wolves or the paperclip in my desk drawer.

If you do not have any of these traits then you do not qualify for me to stick my finger down my throat and purge you out of my life.

So that’s basically it! I mean there are a few other things that could drive me away – making false accusations against me, becoming overly clingy/demanding, having major trust issues, which basically means you wouldn’t believe a damn thing I (or anyone else) said, or acting extremely moody/contradictory. It has always annoyed the hell out of me when people feel one way one minute, then another the next, on a constant basis, or when they can’t follow through with their word. Excessive repetitiveness gets to me at times too, when all people want to do is discuss the same damn few subjects all the time, most of which I know nothing about and probably don’t want to. It’s highly unlikely I’d let someone go for being repetitive, though. We all get hung up on certain things at times. Oh, and I could definitely do without stupidity and immaturity at times, too.

Dreams: I had a pet snake that crawled under a friend’s chair which I pulled out. The friend ran scared anyway. I also had a puppy or a small dog and was watching a reality show where a woman met some people she’d known in her abusive childhood, and was saying she had forgiven one woman who was particularly nasty to her in school.

In the last dream, I hadn’t seen Tom for 9 years, though I have no idea why. I asked him what his best and worst experiences were during those years. He said his best was a computer program he wrote, and his worst was a foot injury.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 2014
The Internet has become just as annoying as it is fun and useful. Everywhere I go I see nothing but links and comments about race, race, race! Nothing but race! Everything’s about race these days. Funny too, since true racism – true honest-to-God racism – is relatively rare these days, and the vast majority of racism claims are either fabricated or twisted in some way to be a lot more than it actually is. But why oh why are people – both blacks and whites alike – so damn blind to see this??? Perhaps they just don’t want to. Nothing’s changed for me, though, and I make ZERO apologies for my feelings either. Act like thugs and I’m going to see you as thugs. Keep on being responsible for over 80% of the crime in this country and crying racism when you don’t get your way and I’m not going to have an ounce of respect for you.

Apparently, England doesn’t have the double standards America has with allowing blacks to shit on whites while crucifying whites for shitting on them (or who they imagine are shitting on them). I don’t know the details, but it has to do with something about a black athlete being charged with a racist Instagram message. It’s nice to see that it’s not ok for blacks to do what they accuse us of doing there, but damn has political correctness gotten way out of hand! Black or white, no one should be charged for something they say or write. What they do, maybe, but for words alone? If you threaten a minor, perhaps, but because you spoke your mind in a place no one was forced to listen/read?

I’ve joined in Andy’s canning excursion only we’re not going to go out driving to collect cans. Instead, we’re going to stop throwing ours in our recycling bin. I was bitching to Tom the other day that I wasn’t making as much as I’d like lately on the Turk. The Turk fluctuates, and the more you do the less you qualify for since they don’t want the same people doing the same tasks. I told Tom months ago that while I appreciate his offer to buy me whatever I want, I like to work too (other than keeping house) and don’t mind working for Amazon goodies and other fun things that aren’t necessities. So while I won’t quit the Turk completely, I will now also be saving and bagging cans and bottles instead of throwing them in our recycling bin. We were doing that just because it was convenient to do so and didn’t need the extra money. But we have plenty of room in this place to store the extra bags, so why not? Most of the things I like lately are under $50, so why not have the cans and bottles pay for them?

I have felt sooo much better since going back on the meds. Never thought I’d say that, but as long as I’m not on a dosage too high for my body to handle, I definitely feel a lot less dizzy. Even my throat and anxiety are better and I’m not going from hot to cold as much. Funny how in the last couple of weeks I’ve felt the best I’ve felt in months after this very medication caused me a shitload of problems, and then even more problems after I stopped taking it. I haven’t even thought of chill pills lately. I still have plenty on hand as I’m not about to let myself suffer if I need them, but anxiety’s been the last thing on my mind lately and I hope it stays that way for a good long time! TFG what happened a few months ago didn’t happen while we were in Hawaii. What a disaster that would’ve been!

Got my new HP 10” Pavilion laptop/tablet and it’s going to take some serious getting used to. It’s got Windows 8, so the first thing we did was beef up the security as best we possibly could. I’m no longer used to Windows, and less safe or not, it’s going to take some learning since it’s changed so much when I was last using XP and Vista. Vista was horrible, but I did like XP despite the crashing and viruses. I just hope I don’t get any viruses! This thing isn’t going to replace my big Mac but just be something I use in addition or when I’m not home. If there are any issues with it, I’ll just spend the grand or so it’ll cost to buy myself some safety and get something similar in a Mac. We didn’t pay much for this thing. It was something like $230 and $144 of it was paid for with our Walmart savings. No one wants to believe it unless they’ve had Macs for as long as we have, but Macs really are that much safer. It has to do with the way they’re built and how easy it is for people to get at your stuff. If outsiders can get in and access things, so can the viruses.

Tom is coming up with better story ideas than I am lately. I have a rainbow-covered paper journal which I bought to take to Hawaii with me. Besides using it for the trip (and any future trips) I write quick one-page updates each month. The idea is to contribute to the little library the previous owners left here when we either move or die. That way if the next people want to, they can read about our lives here.

“Should I mention that Andy said he sensed Gene?” I asked Tom. That’s when he said it’d make for a good story if someone moved into a house to find a book all about these supposed hauntings. They don’t believe it at first until they experience it firsthand, and of course no one else believes them at first either.

The electric company is going to shut our electricity off for an hour Wednesday morning, which probably means 3 hours, and I thank fucking God I’ll be up at that time. I’d have been pissed as hell if I were to be sleeping. They’re probably going to replace a transformer or something.

Dreams: First one I remember dealt with an old neighbor of mine named Jimmy. He lived below me in the late 80s back in MA. I was visiting him or something and he had an arm in a cast after a severe shoulder injury. The apartment I lived in on the 4th floor above him was also Andy’s condo in part of that dream.

A fleeting glimpse of a huge, old, ugly stainless steel microwave, and then Tom pulling me down next to him on a loveseat by a set of stairs while someone knocked on the door… and then a dream that took place here.

I was home alone and in the living room. The dining room window was further toward the right than it actually is. I saw two dark-haired guys in their 30s or 40s with white dress shirts and dark pants walk by. I knew they were heading for the back door. Not wanting to be bothered, I dropped to the floor thinking I could at least observe them without them seeing that someone was actually home.

Next thing I know they’re trying to pry the door open. The idea was to scramble to my feet and defend my home. I didn’t like that there were two of them, but doing absolutely nothing at all was no alternative. However, I couldn’t seem to push myself up off the floor. It was as if I suddenly weighed hundreds of pounds. When I finally did get up, I kicked the door shut just as it opened, but there was no one there. Thinking they’d slipped into the house somehow without me seeing them, I ran through the place in search of them, but I was alone.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6, 2014
Been getting views from Davis, not too far from here. It’s a college town. One of the hits from there said it came from the office of the president. Being a college, it definitely can’t be anyone I know.

Looks like I tweeted about last night but didn’t blog about it. Well, we went to Denny’s and Walgreens. I was surprised at just how many people were out and about so late on a Thursday night. Dinner was delicious, though I’d have preferred not to eat it to the tune of 60-year-old Christmas songs blasting away. I was eventually glad for the racket since it did drown out those disgusting eating sounds Tom loves to make. Still, not everybody likes the same music and they shouldn’t force it on customers, even if no one’s forced to eat there.

My steak was a bit tough but good. With it, I had French fries, scrambled eggs and pancakes. Tom got a cheeseburger and fries.

At Walgreens, we both got some candy, and I got a set of 18 tiny bottles of nail polish, 5 of which are glitter topcoats, for just $10! I’d much rather have more small bottles in a variety of colors than fewer big bottles.

Still doing my Dutch lessons. It’s way more similar to German than it is to English, but not quite as difficult because you don’t have umlauts.

I moved the rats back into the bigger cage, but not the skinny-barred cage. I put them in the ferret cage. This way they can have more room and I don’t have to change it every few days.

Speaking of the rats, I had a dream one of them was in a suitcase I had taken somewhere. Not that I would pack my rats in a suitcase, of course, haha, but in the dream the airline lost the suitcase and I was frantically trying to get help with getting a hold of it because I believed the rat would be dead in a day or two.

In another dream, I was either staying or living somewhere where the weather was very summery. I stepped out of what I guess was a house and toward the road. To my right, the street ended a few houses down and I could see kids playing in that direction. To my left was a pool and straight ahead was the ocean. I seemed to be contemplating which one to take a dip in.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 2014
Although it puts me at risk of being stalked (since you just never know how people are going to react when you go off on them) I let one of my Prosebox followers in Michigan have it for bitching about me in one of her posts when her frustrations should’ve been voiced directly to me. It’s ok to bitch in your blog about people. We all do it here and there. That’s what a journal is for; to write about the people, places and experiences of our lives. But still… she could have and should have come to me as well instead of being so damn rude, childish and immature about a lousy privacy error before she either hid or removed the entry! Did I go to HER? You bet. I’m not afraid to confront the source, and that’s just what I did.

Meanwhile, I apologized to those who were put out by my accidentally flooding bookmarks, and who handled it like adults without acting like it was done deliberately or like I did something a helluva lot more annoying than just flood bookmarks.

I thought about blocking her, but I usually only resort to blocking when I’m being trolled or spammed. So since I have nothing to hide, blocking isn’t necessary and hopefully, it won’t be in the future either, but that’s up to them. I know that like me, they have no children and they don’t work outside of home, so they have enough time on their hands to become a nuisance if they really want to at which time I will deal with them accordingly. I don’t expect them to make trouble for me, thus for themselves as well, but that’s what I thought about a couple of others who did just that for years. So… we’ll see.

When I’m not accidentally uploading a bunch of drafts to a private book that I accidentally set as public, I usually make an average of 1-3 posts a day. If that’s too much for you, I told them, feel free to unfollow me. :) After all – and I mean no offense whatsoever to those I’ve met there who have been super kind to me – I didn’t go there to make friends. I use the site as a means of storing backups of my writings. Friends that come of it are just a byproduct of this action. :)

I haven’t heard from Nane, and don’t care if I do or I don’t hear from her. I hope she won’t take that the wrong way if she reads my blog, but I’ve become rather indifferent as far as she’s concerned. Whatever happens, happens. I still feel she is a wee bit too hypocritical and judgmental for my tastes and I respect myself enough not to put up with that sort of thing. It wasn’t the first time I’d had this problem with her. Once or twice I will point it out to a person, let them know I don’t appreciate being treated that way, and then if they still can’t accept me as I am, I cut ties with them and move on.

It’s ok not to like fish like I do, but must I be bashed and insulted for my own tastes? Also, making fun of someone for their fears or problems isn’t the way to help them deal with it. While we had a lot of good chats and she’s a very interesting and intelligent lady, she also showed me a side of her that can be very insensitive and lacking in compassion. There are 7 billion people in the world. No need for me to put up with those who have to judge and criticize half the things I say and do, nor is there any need to put up with others who don’t meet our expectations when we can just move on without bothering to try to change them. Like trying to get a mystery lover into romance novels when there are enough mystery lovers in the world!

So… yes, I will talk to her if she can contact me while letting me be who I am, and yes, I will be ok with it should she choose never to contact me again.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4, 2014
Slept late for my 49th birthday today and am glad I did. That way we can go to Denny’s for steak and eggs late enough for the brats to be tucked in for the night, but a little too early for the drunks.

I finished my Dreams book and will have a lot of editing to catch up on throughout the night, plus I try to take a Dutch lesson each day.

Tom and I worked out together. I’m so glad he found a form of exercise he really enjoys, but damn do I miss riding the bike around the park! It’s been too cold, too wet, or just not a good time for that lately, and of course I can’t work out alone for fear of any heart explosions. It will be a while before I feel comfortable doing that, depending on how long I can go without it beating really fast and hard.

I was surprised, delighted, and frustrated over the fact that someone on my first Ask account bought me a little birthday gift. :) The frustrating part was that they chose to do it anonymously, so I am not only racking my brains trying to guess who it could be, but I am unable to thank them. I would guess, however, that if they cared enough to buy me the gift, then they must know me well enough that they might read this. If they do… thanks whoever you are!

Later…

Spent most of my birthday sleeping, relaxing, reading, writing, eating and working out. Life is good, even though I’d skip to age 50 if I could. The number 4 is a very unlucky number, and I certainly wouldn’t want to get any younger with a husband 8.5 years older.

Andy had me cracking up the other day. Right before he left I asked him for a piece of gum. He said he hated to say no to me, but was low and the gum was like his cigarettes. I told him no problem. Yesterday, though, he said he regretted saying no after all we’d spent on him. We didn’t spend that much, but I get where he’s coming from, even though I really shouldn’t be having gum with my sensitive teeth anyway. Where it really got funny was when he said, “On the train, I wouldn’t let myself have that piece as punishment since Gloria’s pool wasn’t available.”

Back in my 20s when I was into celebrities like most young people tend to be, I had a huge crush on Gloria Estefan. In cold, snowy, boring, old, ugly Springfield, Massachusetts where I lived at the time, I would often imagine to him what it would be like to visit her lush mansion in sunny, warm Florida. Andy would joke about me being her servant and how she could make me swim laps in her glorious pool to punish me whenever I’d step out of line, haha. So that’s where Gloria’s pool came from. :)

In last night’s dreams, I was at a restaurant with a few people. I don’t know who they were, but we were getting pissed that the waiter left our tray of food just sitting on the counter. I got up to let him have it just as he finally brought the tray to our table. Then a baby started screaming nearby and the mother smacked it. Literally. Only each time she smacked it, it would start screaming in a different language.

Then I had a dream I saw Teri, a Facebook friend, only Teri wasn’t Teri in the dream. She had some weird name instead, but I don’t remember what it was.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 2014
I’m so wowed by all this rain! I slept most of the day and had I gotten up to find Romeo gone after the dream I had, I just might wonder if there really could be an afterlife after all.

Tom’s looking forward to once again having 4 days off. Not sure how much fun we can have together, though, LOL. We’re kind of on opposite schedules right now, but he can adapt a lot easier than I can, so we’ll see.

His BP medication makes him cough, even though it’s a low dose. I told him that if they raised the dose he’d sound like a smoker and he said that if he keeps working out consistently he shouldn’t need them much longer. That’d be great. I’m all for choosing the natural way over drugs anytime that’s possible. If giving up eggs meant never needing statins again, so be it, but my cholesterol isn’t high because of what I eat. It’s high because of hypothyroidism. No wonder my old doc didn’t take the time to stress low-cholesterol menus with me until I came to learn and understand more about this shit.

Romeo can be affectionate, but for the most part, he’s not nearly as friendly and as into cuddling as Sugar is. In the dream, though, I opened the cage door and sat down on the floor a few feet in front of it with a piece of bread in my hand. One of the rats climbed up to the top of the cage, but Romeo hobbled out and headed toward me. Instead of taking the food, all he wanted to do was cuddle. It was like he was saying goodbye or something, but he was still alive even though he was withering away to nothing really fast.

Yesterday I dreamed they were collecting the trash. Only instead of the big garbage truck, the park was collecting it on these little trailers. Realizing I was late to put ours out, I started running up the hill with this big old garbage bin in tow. Someone on a trailer saw me and drove down to fetch both the trash and me. The male driver turned into a female driver who kept telling me that in order to climb up onto the trailer bed I had to first step up onto a white sneaker that was lying on its side.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 2014
Another rainy, quiet day, though I saw a service truck of some kind parked in front of next door and thought I heard scattered hammering earlier.

Gonna work out with Tom when he gets in. He does the Wii and I do the treadmill. Indoor working out is so boring compared to outdoor working out, but this isn’t the ideal weather for going outside.

Been less dizzy the last couple of days and I’m so glad about that! Those dizzy spells were really getting old. Hopefully, the meds will keep on helping without the anxiety and upset stomach.

Tonight I’ll be reorganizing my “Dreams” book. I want to organize them by dates. Thought of rejoining Tumblr for the hell of it, but I don’t know if I will or not.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 2014
The test results are in and my cholesterol is off the charts at “cardiac risk,” and my TSH is 32.24. This means (for any newcomers tuning in) that my thyroid is severely underactive. It’s not totally dead but it’s close enough. No wonder I’ve been back to gaining half a pound a day despite working out and watching what I eat. Still not watching how much I eat, though, and that’s super important as I said in my last entry. That will have to be part of my New Year’s resolution, I guess.

These numbers are pretty much where I was when I was first diagnosed with hypothyroidism. I just worry and wonder how they’re going to get me normal without it damn near killing me like last time. Levothyroxine and anxiety/tachycardia don’t seem to mix well. My resting pulse is naturally high when off medication, so to be given a medication that speeds that up is kinda scary. It’s a little racy right now, but that’s mostly because I’m alone and because of the results. Not a good time to work out!

I had thought eating foods low in cholesterol would help, but as one of my PB buddies pointed out, the cholesterol that rises when you have hypothyroidism is what your body produces and not dietary. It’s mostly my triglycerides that are high.

They called Tom’s phone and he explained to them that I only started the meds on the 27th when he could be home with me a little more, and so I will have to return to the vampire after January 15th. Then he was given a number to give to me for an endocrinologist. I requested Dr. O, as was recommended to me, and will see her on January 19th.

I’m just glad they didn’t hit me with some new disease showing up in my blood like diabetes or something. I know skinny people can get that, but I think that’s mostly an obese thing and I’m not only just a little overweight (per ex-sexy doc’s words), I’m also pretty active. Well, when my heart will let me be without making me feel like it’s going to jump outa my chest.

Because I only just started the 25 mcg on the 27th, I have to go in for more blood work after Jan. 15th. Since the 50’s dropped me to 12, I’m guessing the 25’s will drop me to 22-23.

I figured I was due for some noise from next door. Was it the saw? Nope. The hammer? Nope. It was just their latest home improvement project; new windows. Tree-cutting, new ovens, carpet cleaning, new windows… what’s next? I’m just glad I slept in today cuz the window upgrading probably began fairly early.

In the first of this month’s dreams, I was living or working at someplace with several other people. One person had on this really nice perfume and I said something like, “Someone smells sexy today.”

Some people, including myself, were going to the store and someone asked those who weren’t going if they needed anything. A woman who might’ve been Nancy from Phoenix said she wanted to get some kind of sleeping pill that had a long and funny name. When I was at the store I was looking for it to try for myself, but all I could find were rows and rows of candy bars with some bananas sort of hidden behind them.

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Last updated August 25, 2024