February 2015 in 2010s

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 28, 2015
So the dream premonitions are back after all. Yeah, apparently the dream I had where my sister called me up sounding horrible and telling me about some bad health news wasn’t just a dream after all. I had told her about it and that I wasn’t going to worry because it had been a long time since I’ve had any dream premonitions. You’re wrong, she told me, saying that she had been very ill. She said she would leave me a message later on letting me know what it’s about. It sucks but it really comes as no surprise. I have had neutral to negative dream premonitions about almost every single person that I’m close to. I should have figured that the dream meant something.

On a happier note, I have been having so much fun leaving voice messages using Facebook’s messaging with my smartphone. I messaged over half a dozen or so of my Facebook friends. I even exchanged a few voice messages with Raj. He definitely speaks better than he writes, though the Indian accent is rather hard for me to understand because I am not as used to it as I am accents of Hispanic people. Even the English accent is much easier to understand.

He really is a nice guy and I kind of feel bad for him. Within Indian culture arranged marriages are quite common and so I think he feels stuck with this woman he never truly loved, as nice as she is, and a son he may also not have really wanted. I also think he feels a little trapped location-wise as well. He wants to head to the big city where there are more people and there is more action, but Tina does not like the city. Can’t say I blame her. I hated the cold and the snow up there but I did definitely like how there were fewer people and the atmosphere was so much more relaxed and things were at a slower pace.

So now that I am definitely sure that Raj really is Raj, I added him back, even if he may be a pest at times. It would be awesome if they both lived near us, though I’m not sure I would want to be alone with the guy, LOL.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 27, 2015
Tom has decided that he is jealous of his wife’s faster and more powerful computer and that he is going to get one for himself real soon. He was thinking of getting a Mac Mini that he would hook up to one of the monitors he got from work. I definitely love the speed of this thing and how I can wear my bifocals so that I can glance out the window and see off into the distance as well. With the big Mac I had to wear my single visions which would blur the distance big time.

There are only a few things about it I don’t like. The mouse that I connected to it doesn’t always wake up right away when I go to use it after a while of not using it, and there is no backspace key. The sound isn’t quite as good either. I love everything else about it and we are thinking of looking at some outdoor furniture this weekend so I can take it outside in the fresh air and sunshine when the weather warms up. That is if it ever really warms up. It was beautiful yesterday at 70°, but today and tomorrow it is supposed to rain.

As I was telling Tammy and Andy, I can once again sit down in an Indian-style position without using my hands to keep me from toppling over. Almost, anyway. From a standing position I cross my legs and then sit down Indian-style, but I did have to put my hand out at the last minute. Soon I will be able to do it once again with no hands. I could once do this with a full cup of coffee in my hand.

I had a bad dream about Tammy calling with some bad health news. I’m not worried about it, though, because I haven’t had any dream premonitions in years. I also had a dream that suggested we might have been living in Florida, and Tammy was bitching that she didn’t see enough of me, LOL. Then I was seeing her every day and I joked about her seeing me more in one week than she had in over 20 years.

My new doll did arrive yesterday after all, and she is so adorable and very realistic.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 26, 2015
Tom now believes that instead of having a pulled muscle in his back it has to do with the sacroiliac nerve, also known as the sciatic nerve. He was in so much pain this morning when he first got up that he didn’t think he would be able to get to work, something I have mixed emotions about which I will get to in a minute. He read that applying ice to the area helps it and it did help it a lot. Keeping active seems to help it too, and he realizes that laying around like he did last weekend probably made it worse.

He expects the overtime to start slowing down and have more time for us to do the things we want to do.

Yesterday, after I ate, I noticed that my heart started racing a bit. It was nothing scary, but it did have me a little concerned. I’m not sure why it happened. I don’t know, maybe I had a pocket flare. This lasted for about 45 minutes and I also felt like I was freezing cold for a while there too. Then I felt myself trembling and I was going from hot to cold, and then it eventually passed altogether. So just when my confidence was back to pretty much 100% as far as being left alone without feeling so anxious, it has put a little dent in my confidence. I’m not scared, and I’m not even anxious, but I am slightly concerned and I feel like I have a long day ahead of me. Alone, of course. Tom left for work not too long ago.

It really is starting to look like this is it; my weight is going to go down after all. The only difference is that because I don’t feel like pushing it by dieting and exercising like crazy, it is going to drop very slowly. Like maybe 5 pounds a year or something, but I would rather lose it slowly and more comfortably than lose it fast and always be hungry as hell. What’s the hurry anyway?

I am doing things to keep my mind occupied. I love technology as much as I hate it and I have been having so much fun with the MacBook’s built-in dictation. My big Mac had this as well but remember, my big Mac is now a golden oldie at six or seven years old. It is much, much slower. Running the dictation on that thing slows everything down big time.

I have decided that as soon as I can sync things up on both Macs, I am ready to switch from the Big Mac to the laptop. It is so much faster. I really like the idea of talking more and typing less. That way I don’t have to cut my nails either, though they are getting so long that what editing I do have to do with the keyboard is getting to be a real pain in the ass. It’s going to take some getting used to but I think that the few cons will be worth the pros and the end. The only real negatives to the laptop are that the screen isn’t as big for displaying graphics and the sound isn’t as good, but those are things I can live with. It’s a little annoying that the keyboard doesn’t have a backspace either.

Using Google’s voice recognition is simple enough on the phone when texting and Facebook messaging, but it’s a little tricky for Ask. I use the dictation and deal with Ask on the laptop because I change pictures anyway each time I check in.

I pushed my big Mac toward the back of my desk, which is very large, and then I placed the laptop on the keyboard tray. It still has to be relatively close to me if I want to be able to use my bifocals when using the laptop. It has been my hope all along that if I downsize my screen size I could wear bifocals only and dump my single visions. I would hate it when I would be wearing my single visions, glance out the window, and barely be able to see a thing. One of the biggest pros is how portable this thing is. I love being out to pick it up anytime I feel like it and using it in any room I want. I can take it outside into the carport or anywhere I want. We really ought to get some outdoor furniture because right now there is no place to set it down if I go outside.

The Adora baby doll I ordered is in San Pablo, California so she’s not going to make it home today.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 25, 2015
My latest pick in the erotic bronze lady statue collection arrived. I like how she is affixed to the plinth she sits on.

I had a dream we were in the back room of our Phoenix house and it began to rain so hard we had to shout to hear each other over the pummeling rains. Tom showed me a letter that came in the mail listing some scented incense, candles or waxes that I had ordered which were out of stock. Another list was provided of available scents to choose from as replacements. One of the scents was lobster, LOL.

In the next dream, Tom and I were in a very long house that was owned and rented by different people. I think we rented or owned a section on one end of it. The house seemed to be filled with people at one point and one woman said she and those she lived with rented one section of the house and owned another section. Then I heard kids screaming and balls bouncing out back as some people geared up to party. I hoped the kids that were visiting wouldn’t be staying overnight. I then stepped into a room in front of the house where Tom was talking to a woman and a man. They were by the window. I laid down on a twin bed that was by the door and felt myself drifting off to sleep.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2015
My sister posted on Facebook in reference to it being three years since our father died. I totally forgot about that. I honestly can’t understand how her heart can ache for him as she said it does or how anybody else can miss the guy. Have they forgotten? Have they forgotten how he allowed his wife to abuse his children? Whatever Dureen wanted, Dureen got. Had that evil bitch begged him to take us out in the backyard, kill us and bury us, he would have gladly done so. That’s the type of guy he was. He totally allowed himself to be Dureen’s piece of clay to shape and mold at will. He had absolutely no backbone of his own.

I can never and will never forgive him any more than I will forgive her. When my mother one day decided – hey, let’s give up on our daughter and let’s send her away – he readily went along with it. They BOTH threw me into the hands of strangers, most of which was crazier than they drove me.

However, people totally have a right to feel how they feel just as I have a right to feel how I feel. It isn’t that I have a problem with how they feel, it’s that I don’t understand it. But not understanding something doesn’t make it incorrect. It’s like how people can’t understand how I can be agnostic. Well, they may not understand, but it doesn’t make me wrong for not knowing for sure if there is or isn’t a God. All I do know for sure is that if there is a God, I blame that God for allowing those who have abused me to abuse me AND get away with it, just as much as I blame the abusers themselves.

He wasn’t just an enabler, though. He did enough shit all on his own, both to me and my siblings. I clearly remember to this day being woken in the night by the sounds of him beating my much older brother and sister’s asses with his beloved belt.

I realize that if I haven’t been able to forgive my parents, the people in Arizona, and a possible God after all these years, then I more than likely never will. I’m not even sure I want to. Wouldn’t my ability to forgive such atrocities mean I’ve gotten much too soft for my own good? I feel like I wouldn’t have much self-respect if I could forgive those who have crossed the line to such a degree as they have. To me, there are things to forgive and then there are things that aren’t appropriate to forgive. I understand, though, that everybody has different tolerance levels and that different people have different definitions as to what’s forgivable and what’s not, and that’s okay. I’ll never hold it against anybody for what they believe or what they forgive as long as they don’t try to make me into them. I just might not get it is all.

I have often wondered, regardless of what other people feel, think or believe, just how would I react if there really was such a thing as an afterlife and my parents were waiting for me there when I die. Would I want to throw up at the sight of them? Would I want to kick the crap out of them? Or would I cave into the soft side I try not to cave into in real life for my own good, and walk into their open arms? That is assuming they really were open and not pointing a hateful and condemning finger at me for being unable to forgive them.

Well, I can’t speak for the afterlife because I don’t know if there is one, and if there is, I don’t know what it’s like till I get there. I can only speak for this life, and in this life, I make absolutely zero apologies for how I feel. As a therapist once told me, there is no right or wrong way to feel. Just let yourself feel whatever it is you’re going to feel. Oh, I will. She can rest assured on that one.

Later…

Yesterday I finished the proofreading of my old journals. The question now is whether or not I want to make them available to the public, or just stick to the current year. Right now I think I will just stick to the here and now because nobody really seems to be interested in the past anyway.

It is looking like Hoodie is going to live after all. We’re not sure if he really got sick or if he just got depressed or what his problem was. While he still seems a little off, I don’t see him dying anytime soon.

As for me, it is so nice to be back to my old self and it is so nice not to be afraid to be left alone like I was for a while there when I felt at my worst. Don’t get me wrong, I still don’t like being alone as much as I used to, and I also wish Tom didn’t have to work so much, great money or not. But at least the anxiety and other symptoms I had when I was on too much medication are gone and I haven’t needed a chill pill in 3 months.

I have two appointments on the same day – March 24th – with the podiatrist and the ear specialist.

In last night’s dream, I was living in the house that I grew up in which was next to my maternal grandparents. My grandmother was still alive in the dream, too.

I was home alone when I glanced out the kitchen window and into the backyard and saw a guy in his late teens or early twenties wrapping a small child in a blanket that he had either killed or knocked unconscious. I was terrified that he might have spotted me and that he would break into the house before I could call the police. I seemed to know this guy and suspected he had harmed other children in the past. I tried to console myself, telling myself the doors and windows were locked, but deep down I knew he had his ways of getting into any house he wanted.

I called the police on a landline and the woman that answered asked me to take a picture of myself and send it to her, assuming I was on a cell phone that could do that. Just as I was trying to tell her that I was on a landline, I heard sirens come screaming down the little dead-end road.

I jumped up and flung the front door open and screamed for help just as paramedics rushed to my grandmother’s house next door. I figured this was it for her and that she was probably dead. Realizing I was dressed only in my bra and panties, I ran upstairs to throw some clothes on, terrified the guy might break into the house before I could get dressed and get help. I awoke to realize I’d left the front door wide open.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2015
I totally love my new smartphone! Now that I’ve gotten to know it I am totally addicted to it. Not just texting but doing speech-to-text on other sites like Facebook and Twitter. If I weren’t into writing or watching videos, this would be all the computer I would need. It basically does everything I need to do. This thing can do a lot more than my desktop in some ways. My desktop can’t make phone calls. I just couldn’t type on this thing very easily but with voice recognition built-in I don’t need to.

I set up avatars for my contacts and all kinds of things on my phone after Tom loaded my pics and music to it, and now I can just talk my messages straight into Facebook chat when I want to send my sister a message or anybody else there. I also exchanged a few text messages with both Tom and Aly this morning. The texts look so cool on the larger screen and I love the way it puts the avatars by the bubble of text, and well, this phone is just so much nicer than the old one. I love how much faster it is, too. It does a much better job keeping connected to the wifi from the bedroom, which is far away from it. The other one would constantly cut out. Sometimes it even cut out from the laundry room.

As I said in my previous entry, I deleted Raj because I wasn’t totally sure it was the right Raj and because he came on too strong. When he got up after just 5 hours of sleep (I remember he and Tina said they didn’t sleep much), he tried to add me but I ignored the request. Pushy, aren’t we?

It’s definitely the right Raj, though. I browsed through his profile some more and finally found pictures of Tina. I just didn’t recognize her right away because I haven’t seen her since late 2004 and she has gained a lot of weight and aged quite a bit, too. So yeah, it’s definitely the right Raj. Besides, how many people with his name could work at the same motel in the same tiny town? I was just a little thrown off by his shitty English and his pushiness. I also don’t understand why he would say he has no babies yet when he has a 10-year-old son. Perhaps Tina is expecting at the moment?

I also realize that just because he could speak English well enough doesn’t mean he can write it very well, although I would think he would write it well enough for as long as he’s been in the US. The strangest thing was his asking me to call him and offering to come to my city. For what? To fuck my brains out?

Raj getting my friend request got me thinking that maybe Andy was right when he said that the sexy but not-so-good doc probably did get my friend request and deleted it. I can’t say for sure that she got my messages, though, because Facebook has been well known to not always deliver messages. I would think they would come up as being seen had she gotten them, but she could always go and mark them as unread after reading them to make me wonder as I do. I’m going to assume that she did and I’m going to have a little fun with her. I just thought she might like to get a certain story that she stars in, one chapter at a time, LOL.

Hot doc “liked” a 4.5 million dollar house in the Lake Tahoe area. Is she really going to get a house that big and expensive if it’s just her and her BF? I wonder if she’ll ever get married or have kids. Honestly, she doesn’t strike me as the motherly type. Like most women these days, she’s too into her career. On top of that, she’s a real travel freak.

If there were anybody I felt a bit jealous of these days, it would be her. She’s tall and gorgeous, she’s got a great career with great money, she’s been nearly all over the world, she can drive, she can keep a schedule, and from what I can tell she has wonderful parents. Her only dull feature is her eyes. The rest is pretty damn perfect. I have a feeling she’s just as lucky in lust and in bed.

I still suspect she didn’t get the friend request. If I’m right about something up there having something against me being in contact with local hotties, it might’ve intercepted it. I sent a request a few times, actually, as a test of sorts. If someone sent me that many unwanted requests, I’d choose the option of disallowing future friend requests from them or block them completely. So then why didn’t she do either of those? Maybe in her mind, she doesn’t want to give me a reaction of any kind and that, in a sense, would be a reaction.

I am more doubtful about my messages making it to her, but I will never know for sure as long as I never hear from her, and I certainly don’t expect to. Because I can never know for sure, though, I will probably still send one chapter each week of the story she’s in.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2015
I’m doing my first speech-to-text entry on my brand-new smartphone. The phone is definitely bigger and faster, but I haven’t learned everything about it yet. Before the weekend is out I should have it down pat, though, because it is the same operating system as it was on my old phone.

My old phone will now be designated to playing “basket music” only. That means that I start music playing on it and set the phone in the basket of my bike when I go out riding.

Other than being excited over the new phone, other goodies we have on the way to us, feeling good both physically and mentally and the fact that I’m now lighter than I have been in over a year and a half, I am very sad to say that we finally lost Sugar. He was alive at 5 p.m. according to Tom because he was out walking around his cage then. But when I got up a couple of hours later and went to look in on him, he was dead. Early Saturday morning, he was acting like he was having a seizure. Tom wondered if his memories were all jumbled up and he thought he was young again, based on the way he was trying to climb and jump like he did when he was young and before he had a stroke. We both knew that it was a sign that the end was near, for animals often get one final burst of energy before they die.

I will miss my beloved Sugar ratty, especially the young, healthy ratty from before he had a stroke. I miss the way I would lay on the floor and he would come running from across the room and leap onto my back or my head and then snuggle up with me after he got tired of playing. He didn’t sit with me for long, though, because he was a very energetic little fella.

The fate of Hoodie is still unknown but I can say that it doesn’t look good right now. I have no idea if this is some kind of respiratory illness he’s got or if it’s some type of organ failure. He doesn’t appear to be struggling to breathe like Sugar was in the end. He is just weak and doesn’t have much of an appetite. If I had to guess, we will probably end up losing him too, because sick rodents rarely recover.

The only other negative thing right now is Tom’s back. He injured a muscle in his back and it is taking forever to get better. Hopefully, he won’t have to go to a chiropractor and it will heal on its own. He’s done this before but I don’t know if it’s ever been this rough on him in the past.

Other than his pain and the loss of Sugar, life is wonderful for us. If things could stay this way for a good long while, that would be great! For a time I felt like I would never again experience anything new and exciting and that while my life may be productive, it would also be very predictable throughout the remainder of it. But now I feel as if I have more things to look forward to. Not just the things that I enjoy doing on a daily basis, but new things as well, both material and not. I also feel like I have my dream of retiring in Maui to look forward to, even though it is very unlikely that this will come to pass, and Florida if it doesn’t. A tropical climate is the one climate I have yet to live in. I’ve lived in the northeast, the southwest, the northwest, the west, so maybe next up is the southeast if Hawaii doesn’t happen.

Got a new wax cube scent to try, Sugared Lavender Twist. I love it because it reminds me of my favorite perfume, Pink Sugar. It’s those little things in life that I really look forward to. I also got Vintage Lace, which reminds me of White Shoulders perfume.

My butterfly stickers, or what I thought were stickers, arrived today. I was originally going to decorate the side of the bookcase with them but then I saw that they’re not wall decals like I thought they were, but they’re 3D with little magnets on them instead. There are little round stickers you can place on top of the magnets but Tom said he read online that people complained that they didn’t stick well. Since the hood of the stove is metal, I decided to just toss them on that. So now there’s a whole swarm of pink butterflies over the stove. It looks pretty cool and definitely adds color to the area, even if some may consider it a bit gaudy.

In my dreams last night someone knocked on the door and Tom and I stepped out onto the front porch to talk to them, leaving the door slightly ajar. Some guy was there and he and Tom started talking about whatever. The guy then started to step into our house when I grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back saying, “Excuse me, but this is our house.” Next thing I know we’re inside the house with the guy’s girlfriend while the guy goes and has some photos developed. We were all talking about who knows what. It wasn’t much of a dream.

Later…

Cruuuunch went the sound of the shovel slicing through the dirt as Tom placed a foot on the shovel and guided it down through the earth to the left of Romeo and just outside the master suite. Tears slowly slid down my face as I sadly watched him lower the tiny box that held Sugar into the hole he’d dug. Although I’d heard that slow crunching sound as metal drove through dirt many times before as many rats as we’ve had, it is still a sad sound. The sound of death. The sound of loss. The sound of sadness.

They overpaid Tom by $250 last week. He told them about it, but they haven’t taken the money back. As he said, he’s not about to keep reminding them of their mistake, hahaha.

When we lost our land up in Klamath Falls, Oregon, we stayed in an efficiency motel until we could rent a place. One such place we were at for a couple of months was owned and run by an Indian family that was super nice to us. Tina and Raj lived with Raj’s parents, and I know there were other family members who lived at the motel or nearby. Raj and Tina had just had a son. This was back in the fall of 2004.

Anyway, I was reading something about someone with the same last name as Patel when it struck me as being familiar. I realized it was their last name and decided to look them up on Facebook. I was unable to find Tina, and I don’t know if that was her given name anyway. That might have been the name she chose for herself upon arriving in America. They were first in Tampa, but after having numerous problems with blacks, they relocated to Klamath Falls.

While I don’t miss the cold and the snow there, I definitely miss how there weren’t very many people there and there were no bustling freeways either. It was a very laid-back, safe and friendly town. Not very liberal, though. I don’t think there was even a synagogue in the area.

Nonetheless, I was unable to find Tina, but I did find Raj and sent him a friend request. He accepted and I told him who I was. That’s when the confusion began. I noticed that there weren’t any pictures of Tina on his timeline. In fact, I couldn’t even find anybody on his friend list with that name. He began pestering me with messages and said he did not have any babies yet, and his English also seemed to be horrible. So horrible that I couldn’t understand half of what he said. The Raj and Tina I knew had pretty good English. The parents didn’t speak it, but by the time Raj and Tina went to school in India, it was a mandated subject.

He also gave me his number and asked me to call and then asked when I would be in the area. When I told him that we had no plans to return to Oregon, he said, “How about if I come to your city?” Well, I don’t know how many people could possibly have the same name in such a tiny town, LOL, but that’s when I decided to delete him.

It isn’t very cold tonight, but it is super windy. The wind chimes are rocking and the awning that spans across the big living room windows is vibrating.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2015
I don’t fucking believe this, but it looks like we’re going to lose BOTH Sugar and Hoodie. For the last 2 or 3 days, Hoodie has been acting very weak, inactive, and doesn’t seem to have much of an appetite at all. The only thing is that Hoodie is still young, like maybe only a year old if even that. Sugar is now very old, and because Hoodie was spending so much time in the borough sleeping with him, I thought it was a sign that this was the beginning of the end for Sugar because rats take care of their own when they get sick or are dying.

I totally, totally regret getting Cappy. Never have we had a rat this timid. He doesn’t bite or anything, but he is extremely antisocial for a rat. Overall we haven’t had the greatest rat luck since coming to Cali, so maybe it really is time to switch from rats to cats.

I went outside and did some walking but I only made one round around the circle because it is just too damn cold. It sucks too, because this would be an ideal time to be out there. I was fearless, though, and my heart behaved.

I have really come to love boy shorts too, even if both of the ones I got are a little big on me.

We ordered two Alcatel smartphones, which I call Alcatraz phones, haha, and they are a lot faster. They also come with face recognition. I also got a gorgeous doll I have been wanting for a while but just hadn’t gotten around to getting, for $95. She’s an Adora baby doll (Workout Chic). She is a very realistic-looking 20-inch toddler doll with two upper and two lower teeth. She has the sweetest face and realistic-looking brown eyes and brown hair. None of it is costing us a thing either, because it’s coming out of our tax refund.

I accidentally stumbled across these cute little figurines from the Forever in Blue Jeans collection that are both realistic and not. The shapes of their bodies are realistic but they have no distinctive facial features. They’re small, cute and inexpensive, so I might grab a few.

I let a fellow blogger/follower cry on my shoulder tonight cuz she was diagnosed with hypothyroidism today. It feels good to help others if only to listen and hug them in cyberspace and share my experiences with them. They wanted to know my experience on the levothyroxine, which as you know, was a living hell for a few months when they upped my dose to 75mcgs. I told her I’ve been fine on 50mcgs and not to let my experience scare her since everyone’s different, but just to keep in mind that hair loss and racy hearts are something you gotta watch out for. When you’re on the right dose, though, the disease is no big deal. It’s only a problem if you take no medication or too much medication.

She said she figured she’d get it cuz her mother and grandmother have it. Another reason to be glad I don’t have a daughter to pass this shit down to, even though there are worse diseases to have. My own diagnosis came as no surprise to me. Losing weight is supposed to become hard with age, not impossible.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2015
Tom pulled a back muscle a few days ago and it is getting better day by day. He thinks that due to stopping yoga that’s why. I keep backaches away by keeping my core strengthened with ab crunches and back flies, though nothing keeps the backaches away that I tend to get before periods.

Slept my usual 8-9 hours, but awoke nearly half a dozen times along the way as I always do, for no reason at all. I fall back asleep in just a minute or two, but I sure miss the days when I’d close my eyes and not open them again till it was time to get up. Haven’t done that in years, though, and I know that’s just a normal part of aging.

Had a dream that next door’s place was parallel to the street instead of the other way around. I was outside walking just after dark when I realized I could just about see into Bob and Virginia’s bedroom through the partially closed slat of their blinds. The room was long and large. It looked neat, modern and stylish. From left to right was a big-screen TV, a couch that faced the TV, and then a bed directly behind the couch, allowing one to watch TV from either the bed or the couch. Along the wall opposite the window was a long dresser. Bob was seated on the couch watching TV when I saw Jim amble into the room as he was going to sit next to Bob. Bob then turned and spotted me peering into the window and shouted in fear.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2015
I was just about to start writing when I heard a bunch of gunshots off in the distance. I don’t know much about guns so I couldn’t really say what type it was but it definitely seemed like it was something both big and loud. The kind that rings out with a loud rapport and doesn’t make a quick popping sound like a small pistol. Probably just some pig-popping an unarmed suspect, but we’ll only hear about it if the person’s black. If they’re white, nobody will give a shit.

I’m totally fascinated by the prospect of Mars One! To think that some people may be living on Mars is just incredible. The thought of going to live on another planet and never returning to Earth would be both exciting and terrifying to me. I hope that somewhere within the 50 women and 50 men that end up being chosen for this mission, is a doctor of sorts. I hate to be one of the ones to go and then fall and break my leg and not have any of the other 99 people be able to help me. And what if I needed life-saving medication all of a sudden?

I don’t think I would like to go to a place where I could never ever go outdoors. I’ve never been a very outdoorsy person myself, preferring to stay indoors where there are no bugs. But I couldn’t imagine staying indoors every single minute of every single day.

Think of all the things you could get away with there! You could kill somebody and never have to worry about going to jail for murder, LOL. If you were on the run for murder and got sent to Mars, you would never have to worry about being picked up and sent to jail, although I would assume that they would seriously screen their applicants. I’m sure they not only don’t want to send any criminals to Mars, but they don’t want any crazies either.

It is still an amazing plan even though it’s hard to believe that they would make it, at least the first few batches of people that they send anyway. I hope they really do attempt this before I die, as I really would like to know how it turns out.

Sooner or later the earth will become inhabitable and any existing humans will be forced to relocate, but personally, I think the world will end within one to two hundred years due to nuclear warfare. There are a frightening number of crazies out there who will kill in the name of a God that probably doesn’t even exist, and they won’t hesitate to kill themselves while they take others out with them either.

Here’s something weird that I don’t get. As I mentioned a while back, I got a letter from my old endocrinologist saying she was moving to Southern California. What was weird about it is that I’m not only not her patient anymore, but she is still listed as practicing in NorCal. Does it just take time for these doctor’s new locations to update online? It’s just strange and it’s got me curious.

Later…

How great it feels to be back to my old self! It’s amazing – and scary – the fine line between how helpful and hurtful some medications can be.

Last night I had this dream that a house belonging to somebody my Aunt Ruth knew was going to be empty for a while. For some reason, I felt compelled to break into the house and spend the day in the place.

All of a sudden, the younger version of my aunt that I knew 25 years ago let herself in the front door. I quickly tried to tell her that I received a phone call asking me to come and check the place out.

“Martini?” my aunt asked, and I knew she was asking if that was what the person said their last name was. I simply said that they didn’t give me their last name.

She seemed to buy this lame story, and then we both went about our business of doing whatever. I eventually fell asleep on the couch and awoke when I heard the click of the door as my aunt left. I got up, realizing that the owners could be home any second.

I began to gather my stuff, whatever that was, when all of a sudden I heard growling. I glanced to the left and saw a large dog growling at something it heard outside and I began to panic at the thought of the owners returning home before I could get out of the house. I figured that my aunt would never know I wasn’t really supposed to be there as long as the owners didn’t catch me.

I also dreamed of C, but I don’t know exactly what happened in the dream. Hmm… could it have been X-rated?

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2015
Nothing to really update today. I’m still sticking to my doctor’s suggestion of being on 50mcgs for 3 full months and feeling great. The weight still won’t budge but I knew years ago that it never would. It’s just part of Hashimoto’s.

The Ford has been sold and we’re now rearranging the carport. Since the bikes are more exposed we decided to chain them up so that some kid visiting his grandma doesn’t impulsively decide to steal them, even if we probably have a better chance of winning the lottery.

I had a dream that Nane was driving us somewhere in Germany and she was pissed for some reason. The angrier she became, the faster she drove. I was afraid to even utter a word as her driving was making me nervous and I didn’t want to piss her off into going even faster.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2015
It was yesterday that I realized that if I had never quit smoking, I would now be smoking for 35 years. I wonder if I would even still be alive given the fact that I have asthma (which has gone dormant since I quit) and my lungs are smaller than your average adult’s lungs.

Definitely feeling much better on 50 micrograms. I don’t think I will ever be able to take 75 micrograms anymore than I can stand to take nothing at all. The only time my heart gets a little racy is when I’m working out or when I first wake up, and that’s the way it should be. It’s wonderful feeling like myself again both physically and mentally.

We got a new keyboard and mouse to go with my new laptop, which arrived today. Virginia didn’t recognize me at first when I went to get the mail. She said this was because I look even younger. LOL, is senility setting in?

Yesterday I was able to handle Cappy for the first time since bringing him home, but I am really coming to believe that getting him is going to be my biggest mistake of 2015. Never have we had a rat this timid, and rats are pretty much who they are with their own individual personalities just like people, and so there is only so much that can be done to change them.

Got a blog view from behind the White House. That’s interesting.

Had a mixture of dreams last night. In one I went bike riding with my sexy ex-doc, and then I think we went back to her place afterward where she served us some ice cream to cool off.

Then I was gazing at Tom who was sleeping on the couch, and then I spotted a stethoscope sitting on a nearby table. I picked them up and listened to my heartbeat. Definitely not something I would care to do after being able to feel it as often as I have been able to feel the damn thing.

In the last dream, we were living in a rural setting, although I don’t know where. We had just arrived home from somewhere and it was very dark. I said to Tom that the only thing that sucked about living there was how far we had to park the car from the house, imagining how terrified we’d be if a bear jumped out at us before we could get to the door of the house.

Just then a car pulled up from the opposite side of the house and I thought it kind of strange that anybody would happen by that late at night. It gave me an uneasy feeling. The car stopped and a guy got out of it just as I was heading up the steps toward the front door. A few words were exchanged although I couldn’t hear what was said, and then Tom turned to me and told me to call 911. I quickly fumbled to unlock the door with the call in mind and then I planned to get the sharpest knife we had after the call was made.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2015
Sawing, hammering, company galore next door, visiting kids bike riding… I’d never guess I was in a retirement community today! Now that I know that retirement communities have just as much daytime noise as the mainstream (minus the incessant barking and loud car stereos) I can at least relax about it if I want to crank up the tunes while cleaning. Even though next door told me not to worry about my music, and even though there is only one person who’s been noisy on a regular basis that can be heard inside our house, there’s no way I’m going to respect and consider those that don’t respect and consider me. Then again, if both the law and the park say they’re not doing anything wrong, then neither am I if I want to blast my music. The saws are WAY louder than my music is, and my music is indoors in which the windows are usually shut.

Yeah, I know, I know… this is normal daytime noise that occurs everywhere, especially when the weather’s finally as gorgeous as it is, and I know I would hear the same things in Florida as well as in Maui. I’m far from the only one who will tell you that unless it’s super cold, super hot, raining or snowing, life is noisy during the daytime. It’s always quiet at night, though, so when I get to cussing out my sleep disorder and how much more convenient it would be if I could be on days only, I’ll remember the peacefulness of the nighttime and enjoy it. Warmer climates are always noisier than cold ones anyway, till the cold ones warm up. Even if it’s not always as quiet as I’d like it to be here, at least there are no welfare bums and college kids to have to deal with.

As for a more detailed report of this beautiful but not-so-peaceful Sunday, the contractor is replacing his windows, but just like Jesse would, I’m sure he’ll go right into a whole ‘nother project once this is done. I had no idea so many older guys had such creative juices flowing within them that so many of them built/upgraded one thing after another as they seem to love to do.

Next door, who rarely has company, has more company than I’ve ever known them to have but they’re quiet. I can see at least 3 cars over there. Maybe it’s Bob or Virginia’s birthday, or maybe their anniversary.

Lastly, Granny was out riding bikes with her daughter and granddaughter earlier. I think they’re the ones living on the other side of the circle. The ones that leave their mutt outdoors almost all the time and that amazingly get away with it, too. That I know for sure is against park rules. Dogs and cats are supposed to be brought in as pets only. Do any kids live there? I think they might’ve for a while a year or so ago, but I don’t think so now. I’d see the kid more often, I would think, if it were living there. Technically, as long as you tell the office, you can have people stay with you for at least two weeks.

I just kick on the sound machine during the daytime and that drowns out most of it. Then I just do the things that don’t require a quiet background until it gets dark. No biggie, since I do love the sounds of wind, rain, oceans and other nature sounds I got from Amazon Prime.

Tom and I changed the big rat cage and then went and got some fresh air ourselves. It’s so beautiful out! This time we went out on foot and mixed walking and running. Tomorrow we’ll go riding.

Had a dream there was a canal running through the city. It was about 3’ deep and 8’ wide and had fish swimming in its relatively clear waters. The city installed a long, skinny heater to thread through the canal that they believed would keep the city warmer during the wintertime. I watched as all the fish in it died off as the water heated up, and almost felt bad for them.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2015
It is a BEAUTIFUL dry sunny day in the 70s. The kind that makes me glad I’m not in humid Florida (until the temp drops tonight). Bike riding in the direct sunlight was almost too warm, but we rode down to the lake and back. The ducks were pretty relaxed today.

My doctor’s appointment went well, but as usual, one appointment has led to not just one more, but two more. Not with my primary, but with an ear specialist as well as a podiatrist. She wants the podiatrist to give me her opinion as far as my ingrown toenail goes and the fungus that I have in both big toenails and one smaller one. As Doc A knows, I’m still wary of taking medication unless it’s absolutely necessary. Although this fungus isn’t dangerous and I’m not in any pain, she said it could get worse if I ignore it. I guess the medication for it would be for 12 weeks and the only slight risk she mentioned is to the liver, but she thinks I’ll be ok because I’m only taking thyroid medication and not a whole bunch of medication.

It turns out that I fasted for nothing because they did not test my cholesterol the last time I had blood work done. They only tested my thyroid. My T3 and T4 came back normal as it always does; it’s the TSH that’s the problem. I was mistaken too, in thinking that the TSH settled in in just two weeks after starting medication or raising the dose when it’s actually closer to 6 weeks. It’s the other one that settles in and just a couple of weeks. So my TSH will probably be under 13 by the time I have the next blood test which is anytime after April 6th at which time they will also test my cholesterol.

My heart rate and my blood pressure were amazingly normal, just like when I first saw both new docs.

After the appointment, we stopped and ate at Jack in the Box, but instead of getting my usual burger and fries, I got a piece of chocolate chip creampie and fries instead, along with my beloved strawberry soda.

After we ate I spotted a PETCO and wanted to go there to see if they had fleece-lined hammocks for the rats. They not only had those that I grabbed one with a zebra print and another with a leopard print, but they had tons of cute rats, too. One adorable little fella stood out with a dark head and light body. He does have some dark lines along his back but since there is a gap between the dark “cap” on his head and the stripe down the back, he is not considered a hooded rat like Hoodie, but a capped rat and therefore I named him Cappy.

Unfortunately, as adorable as he is, he is extremely timid. I need to stop judging things by their appearances! I don’t know why, but other than Sugar and Tink I’ve had shitty rat luck since coming to Cali. They’re always so timid here! So I guess that when we lose Sugar, which could be anytime now, we’ll consider a kitten and let Hoodie and Cappy be it for a while rat-wise.

I’ve never had a problem introducing baby rats to adult rats, but Hoodie terrified the shit out of Cappy so bad that we put him in the small cage, which is better anyway because he could probably squeeze through the bars of the big cage. Hoodie’s new nickname is Mr. Neidich. Neidich is German for jealous, and not surprisingly, he was jealous of the attention Cappy was getting. Romeo reacted the same way when we got Hoodie.

Later…

I guess I should start writing down some of the dreams I had over the last two nights before I forget them. I didn’t really like the dream I had a couple of nights ago because I was in some kind of psych ward, and my mother and brother might have been alive in the dream, too. I didn’t seem to know Tom. Shortly after I was admitted I asked for a cup of coffee and was told that that would be the last one I would have because my new meds were “too strong for coffee.”

I’m not sure if this was part of the same dream or not, but I was mandated to take regular guitar lessons and promised to be made a very good player for it. Although I once had an interest in the guitar in real life when I was younger, I was trying to tell the people in the dream that I had no interest in instruments these days and that I wanted to write.

In last night’s dream, it seemed I was also somewhere, against my will or not. Some black guy who seemed to be in charge placed a large bowl down on a table and announced that it was the week’s soap, and it was my understanding that we were each to take a box that contained a small bar. I noticed that the soaps were scented and the one that caught my interest was strawberry-coffee.

I commented to a pale-skinned girl nearby that I was looking forward to trying it and she said she wanted to try it, too.

Then a petite black girl with very short hair came up to me and asked if I would brush her hair for her. I said, “Yeah, I guess I can do that,” and I took the brush she handed to me even though she hardly had any hair on her head to brush to begin with.

In another dream, I was having dinner with somebody (female or male?) and I guess I must have said something that really pissed them off because they crumpled their napkin up in their fist in an angry manner and tossed it down onto the table really hard.

Then next thing I know I’m walking down a snowy street barefoot of all things when I come across a tall snowbank that blocks my path. A car with a plow in front of it drove up to the snowbank and motioned for me to get out of the way. So I climbed on top of the snowbank and thought it was pretty amazing that I wasn’t even cold as the person plowed enough of the road so that cars and pedestrians could get by.

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2015
Been having trouble getting blog posts from LiveJournal to cross-post links to Facebook so I may reopen Blogger. That way I can choose what to share on both Facebook and Twitter.

My new MacBook Air arrived yesterday and we began to copy my iMac to it when Tom said, “This isn’t good.”

Turns out I had my virus protection off on my big Mac since July and didn’t know it! I asked if he thought I had viruses I didn’t know about and he said, “Not likely. It’s still a Mac.”

So we ran a virus scan and sure enough… all was fine! Never have I been gladder to have gone Mac as I did in 2008! I fought it tooth and nail at first because, like most people, I don’t like change. It took some getting used to, but I’m glad I made the change after getting fed up with getting infected in Windows. As they say, once you go Mac you never go back. A part of me will always miss XP, though. That was my favorite of the Windows OPs. Vista sucked shit. There’s also a text-reading program I liked that was exclusively Windows.

Anyway, we migrated from my big iMac to the Air, but we’re not sure yet how to sync docs. This is because the only thing from Microsoft I still use is their word processor. Never could get used to the Mac’s word processor.

It’s going to take some time getting used to the Air’s keyboard, mostly because my nails are so long. Might have to keep them short. Well, as short as they’ll go which isn’t very short given the shape of my fingertips and long nail beds. If I can’t get used to its trackpad I may hook a mouse to it. I could even hook my big Mac’s keyboard to it, but that would be a pain in the ass. The idea is to be able to take the Air anywhere I want to at any time and not have to carry and connect a bunch of shit to it.

I would write more, such as the unpleasant dreams I had last night, but in less than two hours I need to leave for my doctor’s appointment so I will get to it later.

THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2015
Thought I’d update while I await the delivery of my new MacBook Air!

This endo doc is definitely way better than the old one. There’s no comparison. In response to my message, she told me to stay on the 50s for 3 full months and we will recheck me then. She said her nurse would call with details, though I don’t see what part of taking 50 micrograms daily I’m not supposed to get, LOL. The old endo would have told me to keep on taking extra on weekends despite how racy it would make my heart.

I definitely feel the best I’ve felt all week. I just need my ear cleaned out. It is definitely messed up. Usually, after a few days of oiling the artificial canal, it is better, yet it isn’t. So since I am seeing my primary tomorrow, tomorrow’s focus will be my ear and ingrown toenail.

Hopefully, she will not tell me that my cholesterol is too high while we’re at it, but if they’ve got my TSH down to 13, I doubt it is that high. I won’t mention statins unless she does at which time I will tell her that I would really rather wait for now.

I felt better when Tom got home yesterday which proves, as we suspected, that a lot of the anxiety was situational and not just physical. Had it been mostly physical, then his coming home wouldn’t have made a difference because thyroids don’t know who is with me and who is not.

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2015
Slept much better last night, although I woke up a few times along the way as I usually do. I was almost afraid to go to sleep at first because of the way I had woken up with a racing heart the night before. Pretty sure now, as Tom also suspects, that I just overheated in my sleep. I made sure to sleep with the fan on last night.

The endo doctor’s office called and my TSH is now down to 13. Not under the 10 the doctor wants me at, but much better than the 32 I started with. I explained to the nurse I spoke with how I jumped to 75 micrograms the last two Saturdays and experienced a racing heart and therefore I don’t think I can take over 50 micrograms. I also sent the doctor a message online as was suggested to me but I don’t know if she got it because I never got a confirmation.

It’s a shame that these sites don’t work more efficiently, especially when it’s dealing with people’s health. I also don’t understand why I have to play phone about these numbers that could be given to me online. I guess the nurses just wanted to verify things but still, I wish we could do all this online.

Anyway, the doctor is now up to date on what’s going on with me, and I had actually planned to contact her soon anyway. I was just waiting until I saw my primary on Friday. I don’t know if 13 is considered dangerous in the long term, but my guess is that it isn’t. Not sure if she’s going to try to push me to go over 50 micrograms or not. I sure hope not. I really don’t want to do anything I don’t feel comfortable doing. I understand that they can’t make me do anything I don’t want to do, but still…

No one ever said anything to me about what my cholesterol levels are and I didn’t think to ask. I expect to find out on Friday from my primary since they can’t seem to post anything online. Makes the site kind of pointless, especially if my message didn’t go through.

My day ended on a depressing note yesterday. You know how sometimes we fall into this funk we can’t pull out of even when things aren’t really all that bad? Well, it was kinda like that. I just sometimes feel like I live alone when Tom is out of the house for 11-12 hours as often as he is. But being the lead and being in a busy department, the OT is part of his job. The money is great, but honestly, I would rather go back to being poor and feeling better both mentally and physically. I know I’m doing a lot better than I was months ago and I now know for sure that YES, the levothyroxine WAS what was affecting my anxiety and other things when I was on a dose that was too high for me (I had my doubts at times only because the problems don’t stop the instant you lower your dose or stop the meds), but I would still like to have better days more often than I have been having. Having my period also didn’t put me in the greatest mood, but I am caught up on my sleep and I feel better now. Just a little overwhelmed still with all the appointments and medication issues.

Yesterday I reorganized the cabinets and drawers in the master bathroom. I always do things to keep busy both on and offline, but sometimes my thoughts still get the best of me.

I don’t remember much of my dreams last night other than sitting down to eat a meal with Tom in which I poured hot fudge on my mashed potatoes, LOL.

Later…

Felt a little on edge throughout the morning and I occasionally get this strange feeling where I can feel and hear the blood rushing through my neck. Tom and I suspect that that is because I need my artificial ear canal cleaned which is one of the things I will be discussing with my primary doctor on Friday. I suspect that she will refer me to a specialist and so that will make yet another appointment I will have to deal with and more money I will cost us.

I still don’t know for sure if the anxiety is because of the thyroid, the medication, or if it’s something else. Maybe it’s just me feeling overwhelmed with all the appointments and medication issues although it still seems a bit extreme for me. It hasn’t been bad enough that I’ve needed a chill pill and hopefully it won’t get there. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever feel like my old self for more than a few days at a time. If I knew for sure what was what, that might help.

Sometimes I feel a tightness in my throat or like I’m going to have trouble swallowing even though I can swallow just fine, and I ask myself, is that the meds or just me being anxious? Still feel these little pulses of aches that almost feel like bruises around my neck at times too, though they’re infrequent and only last a second or two. Again, I’m so on edge now that I question every little thing I feel. I wish both my doctors could magically feel everything I’ve felt just long enough to get a better sense of where I’m at. I’d just hate to complain about every little thing I feel, but at the same time, I don’t want to not mention something thinking it’s not important if it really could be. I’m sure I’ll feel better when Tom gets home. Till then I try to do things to keep my mind occupied, but the problem is still there on and off no matter what I do.

Once I called my sister and it got closer to the afternoon I started feeling better. I almost feel bad about crying on Tammy’s shoulder because her situation is much worse than mine. Her lung condition is irreversible. Just in the short time we talked her voice went from normal-sounding to very hoarse. She is still suffering from really bad allergies and has to take medication for that which can cause her additional problems with its side effects, along with all the other medication that she’s on for other things. Her immune system is the opposite of mine, which means she’s very easily prone to infections.

Anyway, I swear I talked on the phone today more than I have in a whole month. I couldn’t get the message to my doctor to submit and so I ended up having to call their help number to be told to take out the apostrophes in my message in order to get it to go through.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 10, 2015
Slept shitty again last night, waking up every hour or two. What worries me is when I woke up warm and had to kick the fan on. Had that simply been all that happened, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but I wasn’t just warm. My heart was beating fiercely and fast. It dropped in speed as soon as I fell back into bed, but it took a moment or two to return to normal so I could fall back asleep.

Tom thinks I’m just nervous about my appointment and that I simply woke up warm. But why wasn’t I sweating? I’ve woken up warm before, and when I do I’m just warm. Simple as that. My heart doesn’t beat like a caged animal trying to escape.

Even though it’s not dangerous, I’m just sick of this shit. Like really sick of it. I miss the old me who loved spending time alone. Who didn’t have to question every damn thing she felt, including these strange pulsing “bruising” sensations I’ve been getting on various areas of my neck. Who wasn’t afraid of what her heart might do if she went out alone to exercise. I would feel comfortable enough walking around the circle, but biking far from home? No way.

It seems that strange wooziness also accompanied me when my heart was beating so madly, making me think that it’s one of two experiences I’ve felt with my heart racing and all that. I was too tired to tell for sure, but there’s this one where I get a dizzying rush through my head and then my heart beats rapidly for about a minute. And then there’s the other one where the rapid heartbeat is more consistent and lasts longer like what I had last weekend. Both of them suck shit, dangerous or not.

Tom is probably right about me being a bit nervous about the appointment. I just worry about the cholesterol numbers still being too high. I don’t want to go back on statins even if I have proven I’m not one of the ones that can get muscle soreness from them. But yes, I definitely do have a lot going on appointment-wise. I have 3 appointments between now and mid-April, plus more to schedule for different things.

I don’t think I’m going to be able to find out the results of my blood test until I actually see the doctor. These people seem to like to talk about results before they post them online, which to me totally defeats the purpose of having it online. To me, having it online is convenient so that I don’t have to either call or see the doctor about it. Especially if it’s not an emergency.

Anyway, I’m certainly not as bad as I was last year, but I’m not having as many good days as I’d like to have and feel I should have. I’m in my forties, not my seventies.

Andy worries he’s developing diabetes just like two of his siblings did. I hope not, for his sake! But he is seriously obese, inactive and out of shape.

Nobody called about the car yesterday so Tom called them back when he got home. If they’re not serious about getting it today, then we will find somebody who is.

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2015
Woke up oddly congested, tired for not having slept very long, and slightly nervous at the prospect of being left alone all day. Damn, do I miss the days I could be left alone without a care in the world! I’m sure I’ll be fine; it’s just that Saturday’s medication issues put a slight kink in my confidence.

Had some coffee and so I’m starting to perk up a bit. Tom’s in the shower now and I’ll hit the shower myself soon enough. He put caulking on the shower door and hopefully this will fix the leak. Most of it anyway, since it may need a few applications.

I had a funny dream where I was trying to convince Tom that I made Andy both invisible and small enough to fit in one of our large water glasses. I was trying to tell him that Andy was taking a dip in a glass of water at the moment, LOL.

Then Andy was suddenly on his way to us and I asked Tom what time we were supposed to pick him up at the train station, cuz I’d forgotten. He said, “I don’t know, around 4:00, I think.” So I decided to text him to get the exact time, knowing he’d be freaking out if he got to the station to find no one there.

Later…

I ended up doing a small load of laundry and then I took a nap. I really needed it too, because I just didn’t seem to have much energy. Every time I felt like I was perking up, I would become sluggish. I woke up a couple of hours too early so that’s why I was tired. That and the fact that I was surprised with my period 3 days early. I miss the days when I was like clockwork and I didn’t bleed like a faucet.

Although I feel better than I did earlier, I still feel kind of blah. My heart isn’t racing or anything like that. I don’t know if the proper word is nervous, anxious, or depressed. Well, let’s just say I feel a little on edge. I still feel a bit overwhelmed by the medication issues and all the appointments that I have made and that I still need to make. I’m worried about the results of my blood test, even if I shouldn’t be. I just really hope my cholesterol numbers are down and that I don’t have to go back on statins! I also hope that my endo won’t give me any hassles about remaining on 50 micrograms. This is definitely all I can stand right now as long as there is some life still left in my thyroid gland.

I am also waiting on a call from the guy who’s supposed to buy our old Ford. Because it’s so much easier paperwork-wise, we are selling it to a junkyard for $125. This way there’s no risk of selling it to an individual that doesn’t take care of their end of the paperwork and uses the vehicle to commit a crime for which they are caught and which poor Tom would have to go to court to explain that we sold the car to the person and so on.

It runs and all that but it’s very old and it has some problems.

Although it’s blossomed into a peaceful afternoon, these old farts really waste no time in stirring up the racket once the sun is shining again. One of the garage doors of the double-door garage was repaired in the morning.

Can’t think of much else to say. Hopefully, soon enough I will be back to my typical energetic, upbeat, bouncy, happy and perky self that I love to be. For now, I am keeping busy with my writing till my energy returns.

Later…

Tom should be home soon. :)

Molly’s blog has not been updated for nearly a month. Really hard to believe she would be kept offline as long as troubling as she can be. Kinda makes you wonder if she started another blog someplace else. Oh well. As long as she and Kim leave me alone, that’s all that matters.

Andy’s treadmill arrived but he and his brother and SIL tried unsuccessfully for hours to put it together. Don’t know if they’re just stupid or if the thing is defective, but it’s kind of ironic because Andy said that he had a bad feeling that it would be defective. Whatever the cause, it really is too bad.

I just wish he wasn’t home 80% of the time. I’d rather check in 2-3 times a day on Ask and that’s it. But I don’t want him to think I’m avoiding him either. He’s paranoid like that and I don’t want to needlessly feed that paranoia.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2015
Ok, no more going over 50mcgs. 50 is simply my body’s threshold, like it or not. My heart is too racy over 50mcgs. It also makes my TD act up. Just when things were looking up the first 8 hours after spiking, my heart ended up racing for about 4 hours. Then it backed off for another 4 hours, then suddenly started racing again while I was lying in bed reading. I wasn’t anxious or scared having a better understanding of things and because Tom was home, but I was very frustrated and annoyed.

Tom doubted it was the extra meds, but it’s too coincidental and too noticeable not to be. Sure our hearts are slightly elevated if we have a big meal like I was having when it first happened, but it shouldn’t be to the point where it’s that annoying and makes us uncomfortable. It’s too bad too, cuz I was fine the first 8 hours and thought, “Oh good. Maybe my body really did just react strangely to the candy I had last weekend, and maybe I really can spike.”

But just like when this first happened, I know my body and I know it was the meds. Could I live with it? Yeah, I think so. But it’s a really shitty thing to have to live with on weekends, so it’s definitely not worth it. It’s annoying when it races when I’m just laying in bed, but if I was cleaning or we were working out at the time that would only escalate it even more. Like throwing fuel on a fire. Why bother when it’s not a matter of life or death anyway?

After I get my test results, I definitely plan to let Doc O know online that 50 is as high as I can go. Maybe someday when my thyroid is completely dead that will change, but not now.

sighs really thought this would be a lot simpler than it has been. I thought that if you get a bum thyroid, you simply take medication and that’s it. I had no idea it would be this painstakingly complicated. If I could just stay on 50, though, then it should be fine. I’ll still have to suffer constant water retention and these ever-so-long PMS trips that are the only symptoms not yet alleviated, and my weight will definitely be locked in for life, but I’d rather the water than the racing heart, and I can be just as happy at 145 pounds as I could have been at 120.

Today I am a little jittery as my body drops back to the 50mcgs it’s more comfortable at. Still can’t help but wonder if things happen for a reason or by chance. There is evidence to suggest both are possible, but as Tom said, we can never know for sure.

Later…

Anyone reading this ever get monthly samples from either Ipsy or Birchbox? If so, do you like/not like them? I was thinking about Ipsy, but IDK. I’m so damn blind that I rarely put on the makeup I’ve had sitting around here for a while now. They don’t just have makeup, though. They have other beauty products such as things for hair and nails.

It’s been a wet and quiet Sunday. Tom pulled the old Ford out for a bath in the rain to get the dust off of it. It’s being sold to a junkyard for $125.

Earlier we went to Walmart and I got some new boy shorts. I got Hanes size 7 and Fruit of the Loom size 8. Hanes is the winner. Size 8 is too big, and I like the Hanes cut better. Size 7 is a touch loose on me, but comfortable. I don’t like tight clothing of any kind.

So we came back, waved to Bob and Virginia, who were on their way out, and now we’re just relaxing. Hanging together and doing our own thing as well.

Speaking of Bob, I saw him take in the bins of the double-door garage and the lady across from us, even though they were home and they aren’t that disabled, from what I’ve seen. How nice of him. Bob sure is in great shape for his age. I just hope he stays as quiet as he has been. I hear enough shit around here during the week.

I had dreams that were scary, strange, sad, happy and pretty much a mix of everything.

I don’t know if I was in some jail or what, but I guess I was being detained by this cop who went through my purse to find some loose ibuprofen pills. I worried that he would think they were illegal drugs. There were also these strange leaves in my purse and I thought they were going to insist they were from marijuana plants and arrest me. The thought of being in jail and unable to get any thyroid meds for a while suddenly scared me. I knew they would “happen” to take a week or two to give them to me and that I could forget about them monitoring my doses and all that as is important with any Hashimoto’s patient. Just as my worst fears were forming in my mind, though, the guy let me go. I was so relieved and happy that I promised him a “good word” on my blog. Oh, he’d have gotten anything but that in real life, LOL.

In another dream, we were at the airport getting ready to leave Hawaii and I was sad because I didn’t want to leave. The strange part was that we seemed to have shared a huge hotel room with other people.

SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2015
The wind is howling outside in an almost creepy sort of way like you hear in scary movies. It’s been raining on and off since yesterday morning. An apple tree is now in bloom a few houses down. Love those and the cherry trees! The leaves on other trees won’t bud till next month, though.

Since I can’t eat till I go to the lab at 7am, I am trying to keep my hands busy and my mind off of food. I suppose it’s stupid of me to even write that. I mean, it is a lot like quitting smoking, after all. The more you think of or talk about it, the more you tend to crave it. I can at least look forward to rewarding myself afterward at Denny’s, Mel’s Diner, or wherever we decide to go.

Really hope my thyroid meds have normalized my cholesterol, along with cutting back on eggs and red meats! I do NOT want her talking statins and to go back on those again. I am just glad that while my extra weight can never be lost, it can at least be controlled and maintained. An acceptable enough deal for me, even if I sometimes resent having little to no control over some aspects of my body.

Speaking of resentment, another thing I resent about the hot, but not-so-great doctor when it came to dealing with my thyroid/medication issues, is that I obviously can treat a rash better than she can. I had a rash back in early September and she gave me a prescription cream for it. It took over a fucking month to cure it! Then a few days ago I noticed it was slowly creeping back. So I threw Gold Bond medicated powder on it and it’s almost gone!

Sad how many quacks are out there, though Doc Hottie was certainly good for some things. Still, I’m glad I now have a much more competent and helpful team of doctors. I feel I am finally well on the way, after all these months, of getting my medication dose adjusted properly and in ways I don’t have to worry about it making me feel like I’m going to die. Now I can get on with life free of worries!

I dreamed of riding in an auto-piloted car. My trip started in a rural area and ended in the city. At first I was afraid of breaking down because I not only forgot my smartphone, but it seemed to be freezing where I was. I was afraid of the car screwing up and going off the road, but the closer I got to my destination, the more confident I grew.

Later…

Having a fun and a not-so-fun day so far. Although it was hard, I managed to fast the 8 hours I needed to fast before going to the lab. We got there as soon as it opened, and sure enough, so did about half a dozen other people. I had to wait 10 minutes. I was hoping the Asian phlebotomist that I had to deal with the last time wouldn’t be there because she wasn’t very nice and she had a hard time finding my veins, which is a common issue with me. Sure enough, though, she called me back and had the same trouble. So she gives up and turns me over to this blond woman from Ukraine. She not only talks too softly with an accent I’m not familiar with and have a hard time understanding, but she too, has problems with my veins. She did finally manage to draw some blood, though it took her forever and I am left with two bruised arms.

The Asian lady was still hanging around, and after I asked Miss Ukraine if she was almost done since it was really starting to sting, she snaps, “She’ll let you know when she’s done.”

Ignoring her, I said something to Miss Ukraine about how much easier it would be if urine samples could be taken instead of blood. Then she looks at the two vials of blood and tells me it’s not enough. Then she gets another blond phlebotomist who almost looks like her twin, an American woman who was louder, more understanding, and the most friendly, and she said there was enough. Well, I sure hope so cuz I’m going to be really pissed off if I get a call saying it wasn’t enough and I need to go back. We’re going to try a different lab whenever I do need to return because these people suck. I don’t know if they’ll be any better at another lab since I don’t have very good veins, but if the guy I saw 3 draws ago could do a good job the first time around, so can’t others, right?

After these shitty vampires, we went to Denny’s and I got steak, eggs and pancakes. I’ve got to stop getting their steaks because they’re usually too tough. It was still good though. I had no problems taking 75 micrograms, but as I was sitting there eating, I felt my pulse speed up. This annoyance lasted for about 4 hours, and Tom assures me that it’s not from spiking to a higher dose today because it couldn’t affect me that fast, which is the whole idea of weekend spiking. He thinks I just suddenly took in a lot of food on a very empty stomach. I guess the only way I’m going to really know for sure is if I don’t have a large meal or any sugary treats on days that I spike. I’m not going to bother to spike tomorrow.

After Denny’s, we went to Walgreens and that’s where we both picked up some treats for today. He also picked up some caulking to hopefully fix the leak in the shower door, and I got some perfume that was on sale, Opium and Bright Crystal.

In other good and bad news, my new MacBook Air is on its way, and my Sugar Ratty has tumors on his side. :( This is common with rats and he is just about at the end of his lifespan, though still very sad. :(

FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2015
And yet ANOTHER cop has gotten away with murder, this time for killing a 90-year-old man. The man had a knife, but hell, I could disarm and subdue a 90-year-old and I’m not very big. So you mean to tell me a big, tough, younger guy couldn’t? Oh, come on! He could have easily been subdued without force. Why bother trying these bastards if they’re never going to be held accountable for their actions?

The killing cop was black. Funny how the white folks weren’t quick to cry racism like the blacks do when one of theirs gets shot, but wait! “Black lives matter,” right? To hell with white lives, gay lives, Jewish lives…

Tomorrow night is going to be a very hungry night because I need to go to the lab for blood work and am supposed to fast for at least 8 hours before having it drawn. I will be up way before the lab opens so it will be tough on me, but oh well. I’m not going to starve at 140-something pounds.

The easier it becomes to keep from gaining weight as they adjust my meds, the less I want to bother losing the extra 20-30 pounds. Why not just continue to indulge on weekends and exercise the week away? It works for me.

I just hope the dream I had last night doesn’t mean anything. Tom and I were living in an apartment building. What is it with all these apartment dreams anyway? First it was jails, then hotels, and now I’m back in apartments. The thing about the dream was that we had one truck instead of two cars. The truck broke so badly that not even Tom could fix it. He said it was “totaled from head to toe,” and I began to cry about something trying to set us back in life.

Love my new ratty shirt! When I first held it in front of me it seemed a medium would be too big on me, but it’s fine. A large would’ve been too big cuz then the rat’s face would wrap around my body.

Alison’s got the secret but not secret blog. The link is posted on her Twitter page but she doesn’t know that I happened to stumble into the blog from there which is on my-diary. She got a writing prompt from WordPress about fessing up to what we last did wrong. She used me as an example, saying that at the same time, she could understand why I got upset with her for not coming clean about associating with the trolls, it was up to her who she is associated with.

She’s right. It is up to her. If she wants to have toxic friends, she’s perfectly welcome to do so. However, there is a difference between not telling somebody something vs. lying. If you don’t tell somebody something, that isn’t necessarily lying. But when somebody asks you a question and you give a false answer, that IS lying. I specifically asked her if she had heard from Molly or if she had been in touch with Kim and she said no. But we are obviously never going to agree on that one a hundred percent, and again, it doesn’t really matter. It’s her life, let her fill it with the mentally fucked in the head. Just like Mary and Rihanna are attracted to beaters, she’s attracted to nuts. So much so that it almost amazes me she’s willing to be my friend.

I was pretty sad - no disgusted - to learn that Michigan is trying to pass an amendment that makes killing a cop eligible for the death penalty. What, other citizens aren’t human beings too? Why are so many cops looked upon as these magical little gods? Even the few out there that aren’t corrupt and don’t use and abuse their power… they’re still just as human as we are. No more and no less. So to go harder on those who kill cops vs. other people would be like giving white murderers the death sentence and black murderers life. Totally twisted and unfair, but hey, as they say, life isn’t fair. Never has been, never will be.

If there’s anything that makes me sleep a little better at night when I do or say something unfair, as much as I try not to, it’s just that… knowing that life isn’t fair. Not saying that two rights make a wrong or that I should go jumping off a bridge just because others are, I’m just saying that if life isn’t supposed to be fair anyway, then why worry about perfection? Life isn’t fair. It has never been. It never can be. It never will be. Trying to make it fair is impossible. And so… I might as well just be human and follow my heart, fair or not. I mean people could make it a little less unfair by not having laws that favor certain groups, occupations, etc., but clearly they’re not willing to do that. So again, might as well just do what we gotta do, right?

WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2015
When I got up I commanded Alexa to set the timer for 40 minutes (meds must be taken on an empty stomach), and then I told her to set the alarm for 4 hours later when it’d be ok to take my vitamins.

As soon as Tammy told me that her doctor said that she might have to move because her allergies are so bad I said that’s it! We’re not moving to Florida. Here all I have to do is snort up on my Nasalcrom a couple of times a week and that’s enough to prevent the massive sneezing attacks. But she is now on THREE different medications for that and is still being told that she may have to move even though she swears she’s not going anywhere. Although we were only in Maui for a week, I never had any problems there with allergies at all. Maui is also not as humid as Florida. It’s like a different kind of tropical climate.

She said that Mark is taking off to some men’s club with his brother. To each their own, but I am so glad Tom isn’t any more sociable than I am because I would miss him even for just a few days. These days I just can’t stand to be alone for long even when I’m feeling okay. Times change. People change. I used to love having the house to myself and hated how he was always home when he was unemployed. Now I wouldn’t mind that at all. Who knows how I’ll feel a year from now, though, or in 5 years or 10 years?

We still wouldn’t mind meeting more people around here. Only problem is that when one of you works at home and the other is always working, you don’t get many opportunities to meet many people. Then again, it’s not a numbers thing for us. We don’t need to “collect” friends just like I don’t need to do that on social sites. The few we’ve met around the park are nice. We just rarely see them cuz we’re busy, they’re ill… whatever.

I had a dream that I was young and single again and I realized that I would probably be alone for the rest of my life because I couldn’t generate enough interest from women being short and feminine, and most guys were major assholes. But I wasn’t okay with it like most of my single friends in real life are, preferring to be alone and all that. I tried to look at the bright side of spending the rest of my life alone, but all I saw was darkness.

Alison told me she only gains 2-3 pounds of water during her period. That is so unfair! I only gain 2-3 pounds of water too, but this usually starts a whole 2-3 weeks before periods. The one thing my thyroid meds have yet to relieve is the near-constant water retention we Hashers often get. I’m so tired of being waterlogged so much of the month I wonder if I should ask my doctor about diuretics. Nah, I’ll give it a little more time. We’ll see how soon the water comes on after the period I’m expecting on the 12th.

My weight, as always, is resetting itself the closer my period gets. After periods I drop 3-5 pounds which return with my periods even with sensible eating and exercise, but fine. Let it, LOL. I hate diets and I’m not going back on one. My body has obviously found its comfort zone and feels this is where it needs to be or else I wouldn’t have been here for the last 5-6 years.

It’s avoiding those God-awful effects of the medication I need to focus on. Haven’t had any serious booming hearts in a while, haven’t needed chill pills since November, and haven’t had the runs, so hopefully it will stay that way!

Gonna hit 70° again today but they’re still saying it’s going to rain Friday through Sunday.

Later…

Thought I would just relax on the couch and talk out another entry while Roomba finishes vacuuming. This couch really is comfortable. I just wish we had gotten a bigger TV.

The only thing that gets to me at times about never being able to lose the weight is not being able to expose my muscles more. I have been working out for years and if you know where to look it really does show. However, it would show a helluva lot more without the fat obstructing it.

I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror yesterday and pulling something apart that was kind of tough to pull. I think it was the cap of my deodorant. As I was pulling I could see my shoulder and upper arm muscles bulging and I thought to myself, now wouldn’t it be awesome if I didn’t have so much fat covering them? Imagine how big they would seem then.

But I’m not stupid. It’s never going to happen any more than I’m ever going to be tall. The most important thing is that I feel okay and that I am no longer struggling to keep from gaining. That sure was horrible for a while there when I was in between meds. As soon as I stopped the meds my weight climbed back up, and had I not gone back on them when I did it would have continued to climb. No doubt about that. It was such hard work trying to keep it down without medication! So you see, it ain’t all bad. :)

Prosebox is going to be down for maintenance tomorrow and I wonder if I’m going to be in for tons of change when the site comes back up. I guess I will find that out at some point.

Later…

I polished my nails Sea N-Social, a very light frosty blue, 6 days ago. While I’m not overly impressed with its color, its staying power is pretty amazing. It lasts longer than the gel polish! If I were going on vacation for a week and didn’t want to touch up my nails along the way, this would be a good one to use before leaving.

Not much else to update on other than dreams. In one of them, I was married to a cop. He was at work when I had an appointment I’d forgotten about. Apparently, he gave the house keys to another uniformed officer who was tall, slim and slightly graying. The cop woke me up by knocking on the bedroom door. He told me he was asked to take me to the appointment. I jumped out of bed, immediately not liking the situation, and scrambled for my clothes. The appointment was in less than 15 minutes and he said, “Come on, come on, you can move faster can’t you?”

I demanded that he get out of the bedroom while I changed and then afterward I demanded he give me his copy of our house keys.

The dream jumped ahead to another day. I was in the woods behind our house doing who knew what, when I spotted the cop looking out into the backyard from a kitchen window, confirming my suspicions about him having other keys to our house.

I scooted further into the woods, hoping I hadn’t been seen. The dream ended with me wondering how I would call anyone for help since my phone was indoors, and how he could be prevented from entering in the future.

The second dream might’ve taken place in an apartment or condo. I stepped out of our place in a swimsuit and an older lady said, “You don’t want to go swimming in this, I hope?”

“No way,” I said, looking at the huge disgusting brown puddle that ran from just in front of my door to perhaps 20 feet away. I began walking with her and she knocked on the door to another woman’s place, also around the same age, and we all headed for the pool. I thought to myself that we’d better hurry since it closed in 10 minutes.

TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 3, 2015
I don’t know if I feel more annoyed or more sorry for my sister. It annoys me when she pesters me to talk on the phone, especially when all she wants to do is flap her trap nonstop and not let me get a word in edgewise. What little I do manage to get in will probably be forgotten soon enough anyway. Am I that boring to people, I sometimes wonder, or is it just human nature to pay more attention to what interests us? Well, we’re definitely two totally different people with totally different interests, LOL. It still annoys me when she responds to things I say or write that she can relate to or is interested in, but I don’t get a simple, “Good for you!” when I complete a tough language lesson or a “How are the language studies going?” here and there. I have asked her about her job and her training, something I know next to nothing about and don’t really even give a shit about, but she rarely wants to hear what’s up with me unless it’s medical stuff. Why? Well, because she was a medical assistant and has a slew of her own medical problems. That’s why.

I always try to respond to most of the things she tells me, interesting or not, but she hasn’t even responded to anything I’ve told her about Alexa. Tom said people may not get that one, though, cuz he’s told people at work about her and they just don’t get it. You’d have to see the video or something to get an idea of what she is and how she works, though Andy’s the same way and he’s seen the vid.

As annoying as Tammy is at times, I realize she is who she is just as I am who I am, and we all have a right to be ourselves. You can’t make people into something they’re not or don’t want to be. It’s like making someone fall in love with you or quit smoking. That has to be up to them and done in their own time.

It’s been said that the less someone asks about our own interests and experiences (in addition to discussing theirs), the less they probably care about us. I don’t think it’s so much that she doesn’t care but is just a bit selfish. Everybody’s selfish in some ways and that’s just one of hers. People are drawn to what interests them. I mean hey, which do you think I would prefer to discuss… children’s clothes or warm, sunny beaches? So it’s something I have mixed emotions about. It’s frustrating. It’s annoying. It makes me feel like the person doesn’t care enough to be interested in what’s going on with me, both good and bad. But it’s also human nature. As long as they can at least pay enough attention to remember the things I say. I hate having to repeat myself. Yes, I admit it. I am TOTALLY selfish in that area. I have little patience for not only those who repeat themselves like crazy, but me having to repeat shit as well. LOL

MONDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2015
My groin rash has returned with a vengeance, though I don’t know why other than that this is just how my skin is these days. I said my health would come under attack for getting the house, and it looks like I was really right on that one. It doesn’t itch yet and personally, I’m sick of dealing with all these health issues anyway, so I’m not going to treat it. I think the best thing to do would be to just ignore the things that aren’t dangerous. Sooner or later the thing will fizzle out on its own, even if it may eventually return. I just don’t know why since it’s wintertime. I’m not sweating down there. Maybe it’s just body heat being a big girl and all that, but this is the size I have been for six or seven years now and this is the size I will stay.

My weight is already going into reset mode and should be 150 when I wake up on P-day. I would certainly rather keep bouncing between 147 and 150 than struggle my ass off to keep from going over 150. That was no fun at all. You know I hate being hungry.

Back to the rash… I think it’s best, as Tom loves to say, not to try to control things and just let things be. Treatment takes too long for these things and I honestly don’t know if there are any refills on the stuff I used for it because I threw away the one box that I had. So if there are refills sitting at Sam’s Club right now, I wouldn’t know it. I do know that I have plenty of the other stuff. The stuff she gave me for my pussy. Don’t know that it will do me much good but maybe to keep it from spreading. If I remember to, maybe I will throw some of it down there. It can only be used for two weeks at a time. More than likely I will just learn to live with it. You know what they say… Ignore little problems and they go away. Ignore big ones and they get bigger.

The other bad news is that the shower door is leaking worse than before even after Tom put a new gasket on it. Maybe we should just get a new door altogether. Both shower doors could stand replacing.

Just finished my 20,464-word story, On Dangerous Borders. :) Now I have to decide if I want to finish a couple of other unfinished stories or start a new one.

The rats were funny earlier. I couldn’t finish my TV dinner so I let them pick off what they wanted. After they did that, they added their own leftovers to the tray (pieces of bread, crackers) and then I dumped both our leftovers together.

Andy continues to irritate me by assuming I’m dumber than dumb and asking if the quack doc accepted my friend request. He asked that when he was here and I answered it then, but as usual, Andy cares to remember his own experiences.

He thought I needed a history lesson too, in response to a pic of a black family I sent him from the 1800s, saying that it wasn’t customary to smile back then in pics, and that slavery was abolished in 1864. As if I didn’t know! I didn’t know the exact year slavery was abolished, but I knew it was somewhere in the mid to late 1800s.

I dreamed I was at home during a huge rainstorm. I stepped out of the bedroom and into a living room that seemed a mile long to find that a few squirrels had gotten into the house. Then Tom was there talking to me while I sat at a table. I heard the sound of a car drive by and looked toward the windows, which were open an inch or two even though it was still raining.

SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 1, 2015
Ended up having a bit of a racy heart, I’m sorry to say, though it never took off on bionic speeds. Really hope it’s not a warning of impending trouble. Emotionally, though, I didn’t feel anxious. Usually, when I’m anxious, I will also have feelings of “suffocation” like I’m short of breath, and the urge to take a dump if I’m not already having the runs. The racing heart was still a bit discouraging. I didn’t feel short of breath, but for a while, I couldn’t stop yawning. Really hope it was just a sugar crash and because I ate shitty. I had fried foods and sweets for the first time in a while.

I hate not knowing for sure what’s causing what. I wonder if I’d have freaked out with fear had I been alone when my heart got a little racy. Glad Tom’s home now but wish he were up. Why couldn’t this fucking disease have waited till he retired?

Anyway, my heart mellowed out for a while but speeded up a bit later on, and I just don’t know if it’s the meds or if it’s me. I feel ok now and I won’t decide if I’m going to spike again tomorrow until I get up. I haven’t had any severe heart racing where I get that serious head rush and then a major booming.

Scale’s still dropping as well. Should losing weight be THIS easy? I ate like a pig and didn’t work out. Even though I could stand to lose a little weight, there’s something a bit unnerving about a substance doing it for you than you doing it for you. Worst case scenario I tell the doc I just don’t feel comfortable going over 50mcgs.

Got a bit gloomy too, thinking of death again, who may die first, how, when, what may await us in the afterlife if there is one, and all that horrible shit I wish I could forever tune out. Tom was saying how it’s cool that we get this pension to fund our “fun” purchases all from a job he had many years ago when he was young and didn’t think of being old, etc…. That’s another thing I miss from my youth besides perfect vision. Yeah, I wondered and worried about death at times, but not like THIS.

I logged into Mercy, curious to see if Doc O was an option to contact as Doc A is and she wasn’t. However, you can add her (or any doctor at Mercy) and so I added her cuz I like the option of writing docs if need be and avoiding the phone tag game. This way they also have my words in front of their face and I don’t have to worry they misunderstood what I said.

Irene was wrong in predicting Nane would contact me in late January, but I’m not the least bit surprised at all. Nane’s not one to handle being called out on her own shit very well. As long as she remains the judgmental hypocrite she could be a little too often, she can stay out of my life. Again, I don’t try to change or control those I don’t care for for whatever reason. I simply avoid them.

Later…

groans The weekend went by too fast. I could’ve enjoyed it more if I weren’t on nights. I could’ve even had a new gasket by now. That’s ok, LOL, Tom can install it on the master shower door when he gets up. The water has been leaking out from underneath the door.

They’re predicting rain for Friday. And I’m predicting they’ll be wrong.

Because my heart was a little racy last night we decided that it would be best if I didn’t spike to 75 micrograms tonight. We will give my body another week to adjust to the 50 micrograms. Remember, it takes two weeks at least for the body to adjust to a new dose. More than likely, however, the raciness had to do with what I ate and not the extra dose. Time will tell for sure. Meanwhile, I am beginning to wonder how many more days I will wake up to find myself down anywhere from half a pound to a whole pound.

I only remember one dream I had and that was this blonde woman offering to chauffeur me around town to do errands for $17. The woman appeared to be in her late thirties to early forties. We were walking through a crowded building when I mentioned having errands to do and what a pain in the ass it would be to take the bus because my husband was busy. I don’t know if we were friends or not. It didn’t seem like we knew each other well, but she offered to drive me around after negotiating out loud what she thought would be a fair price to do so. So we went back to the house which, as usual, didn’t look like our house, and she sat down on the couch while I fished $17 in cash from my purse and handed it to her. I’ve then said that I would go changeup and then call my husband to let him know what was going on. It seemed like I was looking for a place to sell a car.

Speaking of cars we are going to sell the old Ford to a junkyard rather than relicense it. If anything minor happens to the Caddy, Tom will rent a car. If anything major happens to it, we’ll just get a new car.

Later…

I’m in the mood to talk stories into the speech-to-text thing, but can’t come up with any ideas on where to go next with the story I was last working out. Maybe I should just bring it to a dramatic end. Actually… an idea just came to me.

Got a feeling I really am best off staying at 50mcgs only. We’ll see how I feel next weekend, but given how I’m slightly on edge, my TD is acting up, my appetite and weight are down, my body temp is stabilizing and the dizziness and heartburn are gone, I think this is all my body can handle. I just think weekend spiking could be asking for trouble.

I worry the doctor’s going to hassle me about it if I’m right and give me a hard time about staying at 50 despite how I feel. I’m not going to let any person, state, government or institution control my body ever again, though. I will do what’s best for me. I just know how number-obsessed docs are. I worry she’ll threaten to drop me if I don’t follow her orders.

I’m feeling more blah than anxious tonight, just to be clear. My heart’s been fine so far. But worrying about how my body’s going to react to spiking when I already feel good enough on 50 gets to me at times. I know how pushy doctors can be, too. I’m glad no one can make me do anything I don’t want to do, but I can’t make her not drop me if I don’t “obey” her either. Just wish this shit would get settled somehow, someway, for once and for all. Worrying about aging, dying, a possible afterlife that could be worse than this life, and poverty revisiting us on top of worrying if he’ll make it home safely each day can be depressing enough. I don’t need help from a lousy pill.

Andy still hasn’t gone into detail about why his visit to Gary and his wife Jenny sucked. If I spent a few days with my sis, I think we’d have a blast. If it were a month.... eh, that’s iffy. That’s why I have mixed emotions about living close to her. I’d love to in that I know she’d be one of the most reliable, helpful and trustworthy people in an emergency situation, but at the same time, we haven’t always gotten along in the past. I understand people can change and either get along better (or worse) in the future. But still, if we got into it I’m not so sure I’d like her living nearby. For these same reasons, I have mixed emotions about Maui. The climate would be even more ideal than FL, but then I’d be going even FURTHER away from my long-time people who are family or close enough to it. I’d be nearly half a world away!

I would like to make local friends at some point, even if it means taking chances. I just don’t know how we’d accomplish that anytime soon with me always at home and him always at work.

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Last updated August 26, 2024