October 2014 in 2010s

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2014
Signing in on a happy and positive note. :)

Two nights ago I dreamed of a character in one of my past books driving along the road. She was something like a US Marshal in the story. Anyway, she was stopped by a uniformed cop and said something like, “Is this reason enough as to why you’re pulling me over?” Then she showed the cop her official ID and asked him if he was a rookie. He said he was and she offered a word of “advice” to him, though I’m not sure what that advice was.

In the end, the cop let her go and seemed a bit embarrassed. The US Marshal, however, seemed rather amused.

Last night I dreamed that I was trying to message Nane on Facebook when some ridiculous message popped up saying something like, “Our records show that you’ve been friends 25 times. No more messages will be allowed.”

LOL, I have no desire to message her for real, though. Our friendship is definitely over. I’ve been much too forgiving lately and I need to tone it down cuz that’s how one ends up in the same old cycle of shit.

Norma shared a picture of her parents’ wedding from 1928. My paternal grandparents were in it. It was cool to see despite the serious expressions everyone seemed to have back then.

Other than feeling lightheaded at times, I have been feeling a lot better. Still a bit overwhelmed with all the upcoming appointments and the thought of returning to thyroid medication, but my anxiety is virtually gone.

As promised, Aly left me a voice message this morning. It was cool how it said “Nebraska” next to the number. She has a very pleasant-sounding voice and sounded amazingly young and feminine, LOL. She actually sounds a lot like Paula who, like Andy, always sounded rather young. Her voice was higher pitched than I imagined. Given her tomboyish looks (not that this is a bad thing as opposed to a style preference), I imagined her voice to sound a little lower in pitch than it does. She sounds so sweet, though, and it’s nice to put a voice to the face of the person I’ve been friends with online since 2008. Unfortunately, the connection wasn’t perfect and some of her words were inaudible.

I’m loving that the stalker is being stalked by her ex (which she can’t quite fully let go of) and getting a taste of her own medicine, even if she’s been well-behaved for a while now as far as her own stalking habits go. Yes, Molly’s not only going back and forth with the “Do I or don’t I want him?” thing but so is he. In fact, he’s even giving Mommy Dearest a taste of her medicine as well and has been calling and harassing the both of them. At least that’s what Molly says. I saw comments on her Josh rants from Josh himself whining that she’s the one that called him, and something about her mother not believing the apartment he lives in is clean and how much money he makes.

A girl that lives at the group home (Julie) that Molly’s had problems with is somehow involved. I guess she was trying to steal him from her or he was interested in her.

The whole thing’s just too funny. It would be nice if he went to Texas and killed her. Then again, if she never goes back to her old ways, then she doesn’t need to die. But seeing her get the same shit dished back at her that she dished to others for so many years is hilarious. I feel no pity for her OR her mother. They really put a lot of stress on me for what seemed like forever, and the mother even had me a bit scared for a while there. I know how twisted the laws can be and how NOT on my side God tends to be. If He could allow me to be thrown to the wolves in Arizona, why not elsewhere?

Aly did once say that Molly told her that now she understands how I must’ve felt, but still.

Moving onto yesterday’s appointment, no, I’m not attracted to Dana. I like her style of dress and she has a great body, but she also has a lame face, pitiful hair, and she’s kinda short. I prefer them tall, with more than an inch of hair on their heads, and not blond either. I’m still amazed I was ever so attracted to Doc C since she has light hair and eyes. It’s that sexy smile that got to me, I guess. She is really tall too, and has a great body. I’m more of a face person, though, so even if her body were less than perfect, she’d still be a hottie.

The question is will she get my friend request AND accept it? That’s the thing; if I find I don’t get added, I won’t know if it’s because she didn’t get it or if it’s because she chose not to accept it. Unless she replies to the message I intend to leave her telling me not to add her, then I would guess she didn’t get it. I was thinking I’d write something like this:

Hi Doc,

I had to cancel our December appointment due to needing to find doctors closer to home as well as a few other reasons. Although it’s unfortunate that I have to give you up, I wanted you to know it has nothing to do with you personally. You were wonderful! Perhaps we’ll meet again on Facebook.

Anyway, Tom sat in with me during this session, which I prefer and appreciate, and even Dana liked having him in the picture.

As required of the therapists there, she tested me on some things. She asked me to remember 3 objects (I remembered them, even though Hashimoto’s causes memory issues), count in threes, spell the word ‘world’ backward, and name the last 5 presidents. She was surprised that I could name them. So was I, haha.

We discussed the goals that I wish to accomplish in therapy; not being so anxious and quick to worry about the what-ifs in life. As I also told her, the anxiety has been at a record low since all this shit started last July.

We talked about my fears of returning to medication after the horrible side effects I suffered through, and how doctors aren’t exactly gods who instantly know it all, and this can be a bit unnerving at times. Especially going into a whole new medical group with all-new doctors. Miscommunication problems with my old endo doc is part of what fouled things up. When Doctor D asked me how I felt and I said I didn’t feel any different, in hindsight we came to realize that she was asking if I felt better since starting the thyroid meds, not realizing I never went to the doctor because I felt bad or anything.

We talked about the best way to handle the doctors and what’s important to say vs. what’s not and what may only confuse them. I’m more nervous about the medication than I am about the doctors themselves. I mean, while I don’t expect them to be all smiles and laughs, I hope they don’t come off as cold, impatient and uncaring people. Still, they don’t matter as much as how the medication might affect me.

She wants to see me one more time before I see the new primary, and when I do see the primary is when I’ll cancel my appointment with Doc C and send her a quick message explaining that we wanted to get doctors closer to home, which is true. I just wish Dana was closer, too. Traffic was a nightmare yesterday! For now, I don’t want to cancel the old doctor without seeing the new one first. I’m going to a different building and a different doctor than Tom did, so if I’m not happy for any reason, I’ll run back to Doc C and just change endo docs.

On the way out she told Tom to tell me I’m beautiful and that I’m not fat, and Tom laughed and said, “And you make her believe me.”

LOL, right now it’s more important that I see that I can once again treat my disease without feeling like I’m gonna die than it is to be showered with pretty words whether I believe them or not.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2014
Took a couple of shots of our gloriously pink, polluted sunrise from the front of the house this morning and shared them on Facebook. Let me guess… the same few people will “like” and comment on them, right?

All’s been quiet next door. All I heard yesterday was Virginia talking. Pretty sure it was her anyway. I have a feeling that the next time we run into each other she won’t be as nice, not that I care. I have a right to live in peace just as Bob has a right to do his projects. People are strange like that, though. They’ll be quick to ask if they’re annoying you, but then when you finally do point out something, they’ve got a problem with it. Maybe not, though. I didn’t point out anything unreasonable (not that I did in Phoenix, either) and I didn’t ask them to stop. I just asked when he thought he’d be most likely to be working.

In almost 9 hours I will be seeing Dana and telling her all about how terrified I am to go back on thyroid medication or any other medication for that matter, and how I’ve never experienced such intense anxiety, even though it’s now been over a week since I’ve had to take any lorazepam.

Got a little worried for Tammy yesterday. She left a message saying she had an idea for my book. How about her and Mark fishing and finding a huge bag of pot? So I let her know I already had this year’s NaNo story plotted out. But then later on she told me this really happened and my first thought was uh-oh… damn pigs have implicated them or some shit like that. They didn’t, though. Tammy said they were “fantastic” and shined their helicopter light out in the water to make sure nothing else was out there, but that’s what they do anyway.

I’m just glad they didn’t try to pin it on them. As I’m sure she’s heard, the more people they “nail,” the further it advances their careers. So if they can’t find the real culprit they often just grab whoever’s convenient. I won’t even get into their little stings they’ve got going in various parts of the country where they love to write false speeding tickets and other traffic violations in various parts of the country, writing off people as drunk who aren’t even close to the legal limit. They are a mostly corrupt and legal entity that is allowed to behave in such a way and be held virtually unaccountable for their actions while they’re at it. It is only when they cross the wrong person(s) that reality slaps them in the face.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2014
It’s to be in the 80s the next two days, then drop 20° the two days after that and rain. It’s been a quiet week so far except for someone having their carpet cleaned and the usual spattering of landscaping. It still wouldn’t surprise me if I heard from Bob this week.

It’s now been just over a week since I’ve had to take anything for anxiety, but the thought of returning to some kind of thyroid medication still scares me. I have so many damn appointments coming up over the next few months as I catch up on thyroids, eyes, teeth, etc., that it’s a bit overwhelming as a whole, so I just remind myself that right now – today – I don’t have to deal with any of it. All I have to do is try to keep busy and stay up as late as I can so I’m not too tired when I see Dana tomorrow.

Got an email saying that they screwed up their stock count and the chocolate living room set we ordered wouldn’t be available until after Andy’s visit. So we canceled the order and picked out the same set in cream. I initially considered a stunning sectional in red, but I like this style better with its reversible chaise, and I prefer cream to chocolate anyway. Also, it turns out that it’s a couple of hundred dollars cheaper since it’s coming directly from Amazon, so it turned out to be a good thing.

Can’t believe we got a living room set for just $650! I mean it has no end tables or anything like that, but with the way we’re going to set things up, we shouldn’t need one. It’s just us two, so we don’t need much table space like a family would or a handful of college roommates would as well.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2014
The anxiety has definitely backed off quite a bit for nearly a week now. What a relief! Don’t know what the future may hold where that’s concerned, but right now I’m enjoying every moment that isn’t so damn heart-pounding.

It was someone else’s turn to annoy me with having their carpet cleaned as the cleaning truck is OMG kind of loud, but I’d rather deal with the weekday noise than have anxiety attacks.

I could’ve kicked myself for getting a soft bed for mice instead of for rats. I really should’ve read the dimensions! So now it’s their chew toy instead of a bed. They have the hammock bed, plastic tubes and soda boxes, so they’re not without a variety of places to sleep.

Filled out the paperwork Dana gave me the last time I saw her, and was it ever extensive! I should’ve just insisted she read my blog, haha.

Anyway, in the chilly 54° night, I walked nearly a mile and my heart, which sometimes still seems to beat a little too hard and too fast for comfort, didn’t go freaking out on me. I forgot my new beanie, but oh well. I warmed up soon enough. If I can ever get back on my bike, though, I’m not sure I’d want to ride at night in the winter. It’s just too damn cold! This may be California but it isn’t San Diego.

Later…

“Memories take us back. Dreams move us forward.”

Finally decided on The Other Side of the Nightmare for the title of my next book. At least I think it’s pretty catchy. Really wish NaNoWriMo started today! I’m ready to get writing.

As most people who know me know, I don’t believe in prayer. Nonetheless, I was asked what kinds of things I’d pray for if I did believe in it. Well, I’d never pray for anything unnecessary or unrealistic. I’d never pray to never get another cold again in my life. I’d never pray to find or win a million dollars. I’d never pray for Bob next door to never annoy me with his projects.

I would only pray for things that were necessary and very much desired. Not that I don’t desire a million bucks, but that’s not as realistic to hope for as it is to hope that A, Hot Doc not only receives the friend request I’ll probably send her and B, she accepts it. I don’t have to be friends with her and it certainly wouldn’t be the end of the world if we weren’t, but it would be nice and it’s a lot more likely to happen than it is for me to find or win a huge sum of money.

But… time has shown me that I don’t have to pray for what’s meant to be and that I cannot pray for what isn’t meant to be. Are things meant to be or not meant to be because some unearthly source has decided they should/shouldn’t be? Or is it all chance? These questions I cannot answer. I only know that if I’m meant to have something, I’ll get it. No need to ask anything non-human for it.

Last night I had a dream of living in a place with a super huge living room. I mean SUPER huge. It was bigger than this entire house. I wonder if it might’ve been attached to others, though. In the dream, it was either really late at night or really early. Tom and I were both up and it was dark out. I was playing music and I suddenly realized that others might hear it, so I ran to turn it down.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2014
As nice as it may look, I’m thinking I won’t add pics to next year’s journal here in Word. I’ll just bold the dates as usual and leave it at that.

Still no real anxiety since last Wednesday or Thursday, but I’m slightly worried about it being the start of the workweek given the fact that I’m mostly on days again and will be aware of how much time I will be spending alone. Not too worried, though. I have a lot to do to keep me busy, and knowing I’ll be seeing my therapist in a few days, the doctor in 17 days, and have more chill pills than I need, helps a bit. Sure hope I don’t have to take a chill pill, though, cuz that will make me drowsy and could interfere with the flipping of my schedule so I can make my therapy appointment without falling asleep on her.

Yesterday at 8:30, the hammering started. I thought to myself, you gotta be kidding! It’s 8-fucking-30 on a Sunday! But then I realized it didn’t sound right for being Bob, didn’t last more than a few seconds, and then I saw that they weren’t even home next door anyway. So it wasn’t Bob. I’ll be so fucking pissed if he’s at it during Andy’s visit, though. SO fucking pissed. I’m sure I’ll have to hear it at least once during the week. Thank goodness I moved my computer to the other side of the house even if it can still be heard in there too, if I don’t crank up some music. I like it better in here either way. It’s cozier and more office-like, and my chair rolls over the floor easier than it did the carpet.

The sky pigs are at it again, flying round and round in circles. They’re not directly overhead but near enough to be heard. I asked Tom why he thinks there’s been so much of this lately at night, and sometimes during the day, and he thinks the cops got a new helicopter. So I guess they’re training fellow piggies to fly their new toy.

Been keeping a journal now for 27 years!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2014
It puts a smile on my face to know how long I’ve been troll-free now. But I’m still cautious when it comes to some things, particularly my Facebook activity, even if there isn’t much of it. If there can be past trolls, there can be future trolls.

I’m excited about our new living room set! We were going to get it months ago, but things kept coming up. He was too busy. I wasn’t feeling well. Whatever. Finally, we decided to buy a gorgeous chocolate brown sectional with an ottoman online. I love how it’s a 3-in-1. I was originally going to get a couch, a plush chair or recliner, and a coffee table. But part of the couch has a chaise and the ottoman can be used as a coffee table. All I have to do is get a serving tray so that cups and mugs don’t tip over. We don’t expect to use it much since we sit at our computers a lot, but it will be nice to know it’s there and it will definitely be very pleasing to the eye.

I decided to go with fabric instead of leather, even though it has a leather base. Leather lasts longer, doesn’t trap as much dust, and is easier to wipe spills off of, but fabric feels oh-so much better. If it was warm here year-round leather may be a bit more tempting, but in the colder months, I’d prefer the warmth of fabric.

Speaking of climates that are warm year-round, Tom got an email from a guy he works with. The guy, along with his wife, used to go to Maui every year. Now they go every 4 or 5 years. Still, they love this place they stay at that he sent Tom the link to. It’s a condo right on the beach. During the off-season (when it’s available) it’s $200 a night. So if we spent 5 nights there, then you figure in the cost of cheap airfare and food, we could comfortably do a trip for around 2k.

My guess is that we’ll go to Florida to see my sister before returning to Hawaii, but it may be a few years yet. There is still much to do here at home, and again, just because we can afford to do most of it at once doesn’t mean we want to. After the shit we’ve been through, we don’t want to drain our savings no matter how fast we can build it back up.

Walked 3 rounds around the circle and returned with a pulse a little higher than I’d like and that I would think was normal for being in at least relatively decent shape, but I managed to calm it down without freaking or chill pilling - yes! The question is, could I have done that if Tom hadn’t been just a wall away at the time? Due to having a pulse that’s already elevated even when calm, I don’t know that I’ll ever be able to run or ride again. I’m definitely not comfortable with finding out just yet as much as I miss riding. It’s too soon and I don’t want to push myself too hard and rush things. Just the fact that I’ve gone 4 days anxiety-free (though it started to bubble up yesterday) and went out walking alone and calmed my pulse on my own, is a positive step in the right direction. Still, better to be cautious no matter how silly it may seem.

It rained here yesterday, though not too hard and not for too long. It started after we returned from Walmart. We’ve got sooo much damn food in here right now! So much variety too, but I can’t eat when I’m not hungry. Tom can, but I have to wait till I get hungry enough. Not that I’m complaining, but my overall appetite is still down. Even a 200-calorie meal is very filling to me these days. I think the average is 550 and up and most people will have more than 1 serving per meal.

My legs and hips are slimmer these days but I still have a prominent enough spare tire. Sucked in, my stomach is almost flat; just saggy.

Andy’s neighbors are worse than mine! Then again, when you’re attached to someone with nothing but a very thin wall between you, even a relatively peaceful neighbor can seem noisy. The woman’s loud and noisy, especially when she first comes in, and this weekend their son is staying with them (who attends college in Boston) and is rude, disrespectful, and spoiled. He fought with his parents earlier. He said he could hear shuffling in the master bedroom and all that. Ugh, what a shitty thing to have to live with.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2014
I’ve now had just over 72 anxiety-free hours. Just in case anyone’s wondering. :) I’ve lived long enough to know that the past has a way of returning to haunt us, so I’m not going to assume it’s over just yet. But the longer I go without anxiety attacks, the more confident I will feel. I just hope returning to medication and things like that won’t press the ‘restart’ button on these God-awful attacks. Just thinking of returning to my dentist, even though she’s a real sweetie, is a bit unnerving, and of course bike riding is still out of the question for now as much as I miss it.

The only recent negatives are that I had that eye flashing again and of course… Bob. This time the flashing wasn’t as obvious or as long and it seemed to come more from the right side of my vision than the left. Definitely gotta see an eye doc over the next few months. I’ll be due for new glasses then anyway.

As for Bob, I still can’t believe what’s got to be at least an 81 or 82-year-old guy can generate such an annoying racket. At 9:30 he started beating on something with that damn mallet of his and I’m beginning to wish someone would get fed up enough to use it on him. Really, I don’t care that he’s got more energy than a teenager. I don’t care that he’s got 8 grandkids. I don’t care that he can’t sit still. I don’t care that he loves to do projects. I don’t care that it’s “normal” daytime noise. I didn’t come here to listen to it!! Period. I really miss having only female neighbors. I’m sick of the racket men make with their damn motorcycles, hammers, saws and other shit. But I have a feeling that if we’re still here when he and his wife pass, which could very well be well into their 90s at the rate they’re going, we’ll be in for something much worse.

I wasn’t going to bother with Kindle Unlimited on a regular basis since I can still get decent enough books for free, but it not only keeps one of our credit cards active and with a higher limit of credit, I have a much bigger selection this way. I’ve already got over 100 books and read 30% of one yesterday morning.

Reading makes me tired, so I don’t want to overdo it since I need to flip my schedule by at least 2 hours a day for my therapy appointment. It’s going to be tough on my schedule for the next month because just two weeks after therapy I see my new primary care doctor, then two weeks after that Andy visits. Can’t believe I’ll be seeing him in a month! I really figured we’d never see each other again. I have no desire to return to my home state which I haven’t been in since 1992, and don’t know enough people back there to see anyway since most of them have either died or moved. He, on the other hand, has several family members here in Cali. I just thought I’d be a bit too far out of the way being further north as I am.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2014
So Doc Sexy did refill the lorazepam after all, and I’m wondering if Aly likes me more than I realize. In her own blog, she said not to get her wrong. She’s grateful for the friends she has, both in real life and online, and knows exactly who she can count on for support and advice in general, but wants MORE. She added that she knows she’s likely making a big deal out of nothing, but can’t help it. It’s just important to her for some reason. But she’s realizing that she should just give up. Not give up on eating healthier and moving more, but gives up on the hope that someone she knows will take a step beyond just showering her with pretty words. Then she said she thinks it’s better if she doesn’t finish that sentence.

I don’t know why I get the feeling it’s me she’s referring to. Maybe because it’s not mutual? I mean I like her a lot. I like her intelligence and all that, but while she’s not ugly, I’m not really attracted to her. I’m hoping she’s talking about someone in person or someone else online, even though I, like any human being, would feel flattered to know I was “crushed” on.

Back to Doc Sexy. I went to MyHealth to see if it would still say that my refill request was still pending, but it wasn’t. It said, “Prescribed by Dr. C on 10/16.”

I’m still surprised she hasn’t messaged me to ask why I have no Dr. D appointment, why I haven’t had the ultrasound for my thyroid or uterus, and why I’d want her to give me chillers when I’m supposedly supposed to be seeing a shrink for that. But I’d rather the pills than the questions because just having them around gives me a touch of extra peace of mind even when I don’t actually need them. Ironically enough, the anxiety I felt brewing backed off as soon as I found she’d refilled the chill pills.

Looked in my journal and she first prescribed them to me on July 16th, so it’s been more than 60 days (that’s how many are in the bottle). I forgot about this, but she said she thinks the anxiety was triggered by the trauma of ODing, which we now know was side-effecting. That’s the only thing I can come up with. BUT… running out of money is pretty damn traumatizing as well. On a scale 1-10, anger is a 7, depression a 9, and anxiety a 10.

Anyway, there are different kinds of fears when you think about it. Running out of money is scary enough, but not knowing if you’re going to die when you don’t want to die is a bit different and I am going to slam that Hoodster’s head in the door if he doesn’t stop yanking on the door! LOL, bastard knows damn well I can hear him. Guess he and his roommates want out now.

Thought about the crying thing Tom pointed out to me and how it can give people the wrong idea. I’m glad he pointed this out to me, too. I don’t want pity for my tears or to annoy anyone with them or to have them bring me more problems. I realize crying is pointless and serves no purpose other than to fog up my glasses. Crying alone or at funerals is one thing, but I don’t want anyone to think I’m trying to trick or manipulate them through my tears. I’m a straight shooter. I say what’s on my mind. But I realize that most people tend to disbelieve the things most people say and so I should take that into consideration. People have trust issues thanks to all the liars out there. I haven’t seen any tears from Tom in centuries, so why should he see them from me? No, I’m not him and he’s not me, as he would be quick to point out, but it still can’t fix problems.

Later…

The doctor did fill my lorazepam after all. I just didn’t get an email notification. Ironically enough, I felt better once I made an appointment with Dana and learned I had that refill, which proves again that the bulk of what I’ve been feeling is indeed anxiety. I’ve felt sooo much better these last two days, though, that I gained back 1.5 pounds. The better I feel the more I eat. I might even go for a late-night walk, though I’m not brave enough for the bike yet. Even when I’m not anxious, an anxiety attack can still creep up on you in seconds when you least expect it, and you DON’T want to get hit with one when you’re pulse is already elevated from exercise. I want to wait till I’ve gone a while without attacks as much as I miss riding. Walking won’t elevate my heart as much but it’s better than sitting on my ass all the time and I do love getting out in the fresh air.

Loving my new Kindle Paperwhite so far! I love how it tells me it thinks it should take me 9 hours and something minutes to finish the book I’m 6% through, LOL. It does have a landscape setting too, but portrait is fine. It has the same dictionary the Fire has where you touch a word and the definition pops up. It doesn’t blackout like the Fire but instead a picture appears with no light behind it. I also like how it tells me how many books I have on the device. Love how I can read in bed on the Paperwhite, then go to the Fire in the kitchen and it will know exactly where I left off in the book I’m reading!

There’s probably more I could write about, but I’m excited to start syncing and setting up the reader. I’ve got a free 30-day trial of Kindle Unlimited, so maybe I’ll check some big-name authors out. I’ve always loved Dean Koontz and James Patterson.

I had a dream my mother was still alive and she said something that pissed me off when I asked her a question. Tammy and some other woman were present in what looked like the bedroom of the last house they owned in MA. I stormed off and started smashing things after my mother pissed me off.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2014
So the chiller helped calm my heart and made breathing easier, but then what should happen? Oh, just that pity party I was determined not to throw for myself. I ended up feeling depressed as hell. Still am. I feel bad for BOTH of us. I hate putting this on Tom but there’s no way I could just pretend to him that it doesn’t exist. Sure wish there was, though, but there’s no hiding it. I know he wouldn’t want me to, but I still feel bad that he has to deal with this shit, too.

I sometimes think if only I could drive and keep a schedule. Getting out, meeting more people, and doing more things… might actually help, though I honestly don’t know where I’d go, what I’d do or who I’d meet. Or even if it would really help for that matter. But it seems something up there is determined to slam every door possible shut on me. I DO have a sleep disorder and I DO have a driving phobia, so I ain’t going anywhere beyond the park. While I’m still a homebody and prefer to just hang out by myself when I’m not with him, the simple act of meeting a friend for lunch that seems so normal is out of the question for me. I realize this every time I read about this sort of thing in a book or see it in a movie.

Gonna make this topic a private entry. It’s almost embarrassing to tell the world I’m that NOT with the times and that cut off from your ordinary everyday things in life. On the other hand, if I could’ve kept a schedule and driven a car all along, I’d be working full-time and probably wishing I could be home more and have to deal with fewer people. But a local friend would be nice at times. The thing is you can’t force friendship any more than you can love. You know how I say you find these things when you aren’t looking? Well, I wasn’t looking for Tom. I did actively pick up the phone and call Andy back in 1988, but I didn’t know a friendship would develop. I didn’t even know the guy was gay. Maybe another thing that made me hesitant for a while, even if some may say it was silly, was what may happen if the friendship ended. If people like Nane and Aly lived locally, all would be fine if we had a falling out. But what about people like Kim and Molly?

The biggest thing is I want to STOP feeling anxious and depressed every other day. I want the unwanted thoughts to stop and to be able to always focus on the positive things in life and the here and now. But… how? HOW? Why can’t I be like Tom? First I admired Tom. Now I envy him.

Later…

Last night was an absolutely shitty night. I want to write for the sake of it being therapeutic, but I don’t want to dwell on it and worry others needlessly, so I’ll just cut to the chase.

About 24 hours ago I took a chill pill and then fell into a deep depression. It was strange, shocking and just truly horrible. I cried on and off for hours. Every worst fear, possible or not, seemed to race through my mind. I began to believe I’d never get better and I still wonder this at times. I used to think as soon as I felt better that maybe that was it, it was over. But now I know better. It’ll be back. It seems to be an every-other-day thing. Having a good day today means the shit will hit the fan tomorrow, only most of what I feel is anxiety. Also, my problems are usually long-term. Like years instead of weeks or months, though I’m trying not to think of that or I’ll scream.

As a child as well as some of my early 20s I had bouts of depression though I was usually aware of the reason behind it. As an adult, when I went from turning my emotions inward to outward, the negative emotion I experienced most was anger. While I can still feel anger and while I’ve had my anxious moments in the past, I have felt more anxiety in the last 3 months than in the last 30 years! All negative emotions suck, but I’d rather be pissed than anxious. Still, I became more like a man in that department. Women tend to turn inward when they’re hurting or angry while men tend to turn outward. Well, I got a bit more “manly” in that aspect, like I said. I became angry, defensive and defiant in the faces of those eager to wrong me as opposed to one who would tuck her tail and run off crying. I never have and never would harm any innocent and unsuspecting souls, but I would lash out at the world in general in other ways in the past usually with hurtful words or some kind of stupid prank. I still may say things I shouldn’t at times be it on or offline, but I try not to make needless trouble for others or for myself.

On the 30th I’ll be returning to the Linder Psychiatric Group to see Dana, which I’ll call Dalia online. I’ve seen her once before. It’s just that I thought – or at least hoped – my anxiety would back off. I thought it was mostly due to the levothyroxine side effects, but now that I see that that didn’t have as big a part in it as I thought, though it did have some, I’m obviously not able to fight this on my own. Even if she can’t help me figure out what makes me tick, maybe she can at least make me tick a lot less often. I don’t know if talk therapy will be enough of a helping hand or if medication will be needed as well, but I don’t care. I’ll do whatever it takes to help myself feel better, even though I never expected to be dealing with this shit so late in life. So much for thinking only teens and 20-somethings go batty, LOL.

There are both therapists and shrinks at this medical building I’m going to, so if she feels I need medication, at least for a while, she can hook me up with someone there. I hate to risk an addiction, but if that’s the risk I must take, so be it.

I just want to nip it in the bud before it worsens. Right now I’m not disabled. I can still function in life. But I don’t want to let it get to the point where one day I wake up and say, “You know what? I’ve had enough of this misery. Today’s the day I kill myself and end it all forever.”

Tom and I went walking for a while after work. Nothing too strenuous. Just enough to keep in shape. I haven’t cared about the weight-loss part of it for a while now, but that’s ok. The anxiety’s doing it for me. I’ve always been like that. The better I feel, the more I eat. Anytime I’m anxious, depressed or sick, however, I don’t have much of an appetite.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2014
Haven’t heard from Nane and didn’t expect to, actually. No problem. I have my hopes set on an even hotter hottie who’s just a town away from me. :) Do I expect to succeed there? Well… I don’t know, but whether trying is a waste of time or not, I’ve got the time it takes to click “add friend” to waste.

Not yet, though. Not until it gets closer to my would-be appointment with her in December, unless anything comes up before then. The plan is to cancel the appointment sometime next month and then send a message briefly explaining that we had to get doctors closer to home and that I’d like to keep in touch online.

What I don’t get is why I haven’t heard back about my lorazepam refill request. Did she call it in? If she didn’t and she’s got a problem with refilling it, then why isn’t she sending me a message saying so?

Later…

For the first time since Sunday morning, I took a chill pill. I was fine last night with the exception of a little scare when I swallowed a piece of chicken funny. But it didn’t go beyond the normal feelings we all get when we get a good scare. Then I had waves of anxiety when I got up and my heart raced a bit in the shower. Tom came home after that and we walked around the circle a few times, and a couple of hours after he crashed it started picking up again. So much for hoping the wax cubes may’ve had a part in it, but I’m not really surprised. As Tom said, it’s not being caused by anything external. While there are things like heat and loud music that can elevate our heart rate or anxiety levels, it’s mostly coming from me and I’m fast losing hope of ever beating this thing. I doubt I would suddenly acquire some wacky chemical imbalance, especially without any kind of medication or foreign substance in me, so it must be something in my mind causing it that is perhaps deep in my subconscious.

Tom keeps telling me I just gotta believe and that as long as I don’t believe I’ll ever get better, I won’t. I get what he’s saying, but the longer I have this anxiety, the harder it is to believe. How do you tell yourself something will get better when 3 months later it’s still going on? The only difference is that I’m getting a little better at managing it. I’m not as quick to freak out over it. But telling myself I’ll get better after all this time is like trying to tell myself the sky is green when I see blue. I can’t just brainwash myself into buying into whatever I feel is best to believe. Logically speaking, things don’t stay the same forever. There are other things I thought would go on forever, but they didn’t. I thought we’d always be poor. I thought I’d be alone forever. I thought a lot of things. But I was wrong and hopefully I’m wrong on this, too. Right now, though, I honestly don’t think I’m tough enough to beat this on my own. I’m going to have to mention it when I see my new primary doctor and have her give me names of therapists or shrinks to recommend me to.

I believe the root cause of this is the side effects of the meds I was on, but why the anxiety is still going on beats me. And why telling myself I don’t need to be anxious over anything isn’t enough also beats me. I suppose if it were that easy no one would ever be anxious in the first place, much less in need of medication and therapy. Sometimes, though, I just feel so helpless that I want to burst into tears of frustration. I know crying can actually help us feel better, but I don’t want to spend my time throwing a pity party for myself either and fogging up my glasses.

Got a little drowsy and laid down for a minute… until I heard my rat “calling” me. Yeah, Hoodie likes to rattle the cage door when he’s ready to come out for his own exercise, along with the others, of course.

In other news, I now have a brand new Kindle Paperwhite on its way to me.

NaNoWriMo is just 10 days away and so I’m mapping out my plot for my next book and doing different things to keep my mind off of doctors, medication, anxiety and what-ifs.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2014
Tom’s blood work came back healthy – yay! When he got in from work he told me he was pretty sure we were smart to switch to this medical group, that’s how prompt and efficient they seem to be so far. They’re not as high-tech as Sutter and they don’t have MyHealth Online or an equivalent, but they do seem more reliable. He said he got a call at 10am regarding his blood work and thought, “Oh no, so soon? They must’ve found something really horrible in my blood.” But they were simply calling to tell him everything was ok. :) I’m glad one of us is healthy and I’m glad it’s him if we both can’t be healthy. I’ve always been medically cursed in some way shape or form, though not as severely as I could be. Still, better for me than for him to have problems. I think anyone would say that when it came to their true loves as would any mother would when it came to her children. No one wants to be the one to suffer… unless they have a soul mate or a child.

He teased me about eating hotdogs, chips and soggy potatoes with tons of salt like he does. Ew! Most of the hotdogs he eats are turkey dogs, but still, it’s weird that I do in fact eat healthier than he does yet am not as healthy. Life rarely seems to have much logic to it, though I don’t think diet has anything to do with Hashimoto’s like it can with diabetes.

His good health shoots down the “being punished even more for the sins of the forefathers because you didn’t have kids to pass the punishments down to” theory. He’s had a relatively decent life overall yet he never had kids any more than I did, and as I’ve pointed out before, I can name several moms whose lives make mine seem pretty damn decent, too.

The only real negative in my life is that damn anxiety. So much for thinking you only feel anxious if your life sucks. It can happen anywhere to anyone for any reason. I just never thought I’d experience it so intensely and this late in life. Knowing myself as well as I do I can honestly say it doesn’t compare to anything I’ve ever felt before during my worst times in life. It’s an anxiety you can actually taste as crazy as that may sound. It’s like a burning sensation in my throat and mouth, and I later read that it is a common symptom.

But the good news is that I only had to deal with it for about 1.5 hours last night and have been fine since I got up a few hours before he got in. After I ate 3 chicken wings and yogurt last night, the anxiety backed off. I also read that yogurt is one of the recommended superfoods for anxiety, so maybe there was a connection… then it hit me. Ironically enough –I know this is going to sound as farfetched as hell but when you get as desperate as I’ve been you’ll try anything to help yourself feel better – the anxiety started a few days after getting my first scented wax warmer. There is still no doubt that I suffered shitty side effects from the levothyroxine and that the anxiety stems from that nightmare, but what if there are other triggers? So I researched wax warmers and didn’t find anything on wickless wax, but since different people react differently to different things and I knew it couldn’t hurt to at least experiment a bit, I turned off all 3 warmers I’ve had running throughout the house and will see how I do. It seems like a long shot, but you never do know. The most important thing is trying not to panic when the anxiety bites and to do deep breathing, read, or anything to take my mind off of it.

I managed to do a few minutes of ab work and a few minutes of very slow jogging on the treadmill, all the while missing the hell out of my bike. It’s very hard to resist the urge to work out when you don’t just like how it keeps you in shape and helps keep you from gaining weight, but you’re addicted to it as well. Had a little burning in my calves, so the muscles were starting to break down. I will do my best to keep my body moving without my heart taking me on a mad race before I’m back on medication, because if I stop altogether the joint pain and backaches will return.

I requested a lorazepam refill online with my soon-to-be ex-doc, but haven’t received any verification of it being called in. I guess this means the lovely doc was either not working today, not willing to refill it for some reason, or maybe she did and I just didn’t get a notice. That site is not very reliable at all. Either way, it won’t be the end of the world if I don’t get it. Seems I had a dream of the good doc but don’t remember it.

Had one of the black bitch down in Arizona for sure. Something about Tom and I overhearing that her father had a stroke or a heart attack. Hmm… it’d be better if someone set her up and let her know what it was like to be legally railroaded for a few years. Ah, but her connections would protect her. The same ones she used to frame me in retaliation for the city complaint. Then again, that “connection” was booted from the police force, so who knows who’s covering her sorry ass these days. As long as she (or anyone else) doesn’t try fucking with mine again. Not even God could help them because I’m not the person I was in 2000. “Live and learn.” Very true quote.

Then I had this dream of renting a room somewhere. The rooms had no bathrooms in them so you had to go down this little hallway to a shared bathroom. I went to use the bathroom late one night and threw my robe over my naked body. As I rounded the corner to use the bathroom I not only realized my robe slipped open, exposing me, but I glanced into a darkened auditorium or large room of some kind and got a distinct feeling that I was being watched. I scurried back to my room and looked out the peephole. Nothing. Then I glanced through it again and saw an eye staring back at me. I hurried to get dressed and surprise the person, but when I flung the door open and was ready to confront them, they were gone.

Last night I got to thinking of Nane and felt a little twinge of guilt. Not because I got pissed with the way she was attacking me, but because I realized that maybe I was a little too quick to throw in the towel. After all, in her mind, she probably wasn’t deliberately trying to attack me or anything. I sent her a message on Facebook and will leave the rest to fate. I’m ok with hearing from her and I’m ok with not hearing from her.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2014
Might as well do an entry now before the shit hits the fan again, and it’s only inevitable that it will because my anxiety obviously isn’t going away anytime soon. Sure wish it would, but this is either something that’s going to take time to get rid of or at least learn to live with. I’d hate to think I might be stuck with this forever and that this could be my new way of life, but as Tom and Tammy both said, try to focus on the here and now and not the future. Yes, I suppose I should because I don’t think I could adapt to this thing if it was permanent and if I think about that too much it will drive me batty.

Andy asked if I’d like him to cancel his visit and I said NO! Worst case is that I may not feel so great, but I’m not disabled. It slows me down at times since I can’t do anything too physical until both my mind and body are treated and under control. As much as I’d love to get out in the fresh air and hop on my bike right now, my heart would only pound up a storm. Both anxiety and Hashimotos can cause the heart to race when exercising. I was worried at first about falling out of shape, but I’m so sick of feeling so lousy half the time that I don’t care anymore if I do. I can do minimal things like a few ab crunches here and there, but a 2-mile jog or bike ride is out of the question for now. Even just 90 seconds of jogging at 3.5 MPH causes it to pound. And no, I don’t mean normal elevations that we all get when working out. I mean booming, pounding ones that can get scary. Exercise has never made me lose weight but it DOES keep me from gaining, so I’m taking little walks as opposed to running or riding.

For now, I’m trying to get into a routine that will hopefully help me when the anxiety strikes. It’s so damn unpredictable. It doesn’t seem to matter who’s around, where I am, or what I’m doing, though I obviously feel better with Tom in the house, awake or asleep. Hopefully, I will sleep most of the time he’s gone tomorrow given where my schedule’s at right now.

I was doing great till around midnight when I felt the anxiety slowly seep into me like a sponge absorbing water. I tried to ignore it, but of course it wouldn’t let me. Reading helped a bit, so I’m going to try to make a point of doing my deep breathing exercises and reading a chapter of whatever book I’m reading at the time to help divert my mind from dwelling on it.

I felt pretty shitty on and off for 4 or 5 hours. One minute I’d feel fine and like I never had an anxious moment, then the next my emotions would be in turmoil. After an anxious spell, I would get both depressed and frustrated, missing the old me. I ended up being up for 21 hours. Just 1 hour after falling asleep, who should wake me up but Tom himself, when he thought an animal got trapped under the house. I thought it was thunder at first, as rare as that is here. He was walking across the trapdoor to the crawl space when he thought he felt movement underneath like something was trying to pry its way out. It was just the water running through the pipe, though. Anyway, he lowered a stick down there in case it was a skunk, not wanting to get sprayed. The stick broke and I woke up to the sound of it hitting the side of the opening. I highly doubt a skunk could get under there. Mice yes, but skunks and squirrels? Unlikely.

That wasn’t all to disturb my sleep that was so late in coming. I woke up with cramps, too.

I requested a refill of lorazepam online but don’t know if it will go through. If there are any questions as to why I haven’t seen my endo doc or gotten my thyroid scan done, I will at that point tell Doc C what’s going on and that I’m currently caught in the shuffle of the changeover (and still hope for a Facebook friendship later on, though not expect one). Tom’s going to see if he can get me into someone else sooner. Had I known I’d have those really bad days I’d have taken the appointment he had on the 13th. At this point, I don’t give a shit if it’s a man. I was doing what I’m trying not to do so much of and that’s looking into the future as well. In my mind I wanted a female doctor for when it came time to deal with female issues, figuring she’d be more understanding and all that, but this is a thyroid we’re talking about. Everybody’s got one (unless they need them removed), so the doctor’s gender doesn’t matter.

Tom printed papers from the online health site that contain my test results, plus something about the antibodies that specifically identify and classify it as Hashimoto’s and all that in case there are any issues getting records transferred.

We also spoke with Tammy who offered words of support and encouragement, and then we changed the rats’ cage. Fortunately, I didn’t have any heart boomers there as that’s a bit of work in itself. Since my arms are rather short, he takes and dumps the tray of bedding and then I’m the one that wipes it down and adds fresh bedding, burrows, food, cheese, wood chews, etc.

Just when I thought Hoodie may stay on the small side I was amazed at how he suddenly sprouted into quite a big boy. Poor Andy, LOL. Does he realize just how big these rats are? I’ll keep them in their cage, though.

I like the new warmer I got for the bedroom and how it doesn’t have a light. I was worried at first that it wouldn’t get warm enough to melt the wax, but it worked great. I like having the ones in the living room and my office light up, though.

Never thought I’d say this but I almost wish it would hurry up and cool down so I could stop sweating so much. Don’t know if it’s cuz I’m fat or cuz of the thyroid/anxiety, but I get sick of being so warm at times. It’s not as easy to deal with as it was 15 years ago.

Later…

Below is the note I sent to Nane tonight.

We were friends for 4 years and then one day I let you go when your curiosity at least seemed to turn into what felt like a personal attack. But then I realized you weren’t deliberately trying to attack me or anything like that and I feel like a total shit for blowing up on you like that and I’m sorry, Nane, I really am. You’re a smart woman and so I’m sure that as you and Askim both know and understand, sometimes we lose our temper when we don’t mean to. Sometimes we say shit we shouldn’t. But we always come back in the end to those we truly care about and say we’re sorry. I’m sorry I was quick to throw in the towel like that and that I threw a good thing away (you), but I’m not going to lie and say I was sorry I got angry. I think it’s ok to get angry and upset as long as you can apologize or at least be willing to move forward from there since we’re all human after all. We all make mistakes and we’re not perfect.

Maybe it’s different in EU but doll collecting amongst women in the US is quite common. Nonetheless, a few days later I nearly trashed and smashed my entire collection to smithereens. I think I might just sell them off instead and get plants. Less shit to have to dust, and well, plants are a good thing and good for the environment, aren’t they?

Nane, my dear, I really think you misunderstood me on the race thing, though I can kinda get why/how you would. Ok… you speak of not caring about people’s origin as long as they’re kind, yet you specifically told me you wouldn’t accept a woman as a lover. So are you really as open-minded as you think you are? Not trying to pick on you, but just make a point. My husband wouldn’t accept a man if he were single and looking yet he’s not the least bit homophobic. We ALL have things that make us more or less comfortable but that doesn’t mean we’re haters.

When I said I didn’t want to see the Middle Eastern doctor it wasn’t because I feared he was some secret terrorist that would kill me or anything like that, but because their accents are very hard to understand. I also feel more comfortable with a woman. No matter how sensitive and smart a man may be, only a woman knows what it’s like to be a woman. My doctor, BTW, is Ecuadorian. This is just stating a fact, not race/nationality complaining. Not everyone who comments about a particular race/nationality is complaining. You told me your SIL is Colombian, but that wasn’t a complaint you were making, of course, just a fact. I think you assumed I was racist because I have less than kind things to say about ISIS and blacks that screw people with the race card. But this doesn’t mean I hate every single Muslim and black.

And remember how you went on about how your ex was black-American, the love of your life Greek, and Askim Turkish? Well, anyone who’s read my bio would know I’ve been “in the mix” myself. One woman was part black, part PR, one that was Mexican, and one that was Cherokee.

If I were “racist” and had a problem with those “not American” as you put it, then why would I bother with you? And why would you be upset with anyone if they may not like a certain person or type of person? Wouldn’t that be like getting upset with them for not liking certain types of food or music? I haven’t harmed anyone and I think that’s all that should matter as opposed to what/who we like or dislike. We’re simply not going to like everyone we meet or hear about, as I’m sure you know.

Regardless, I’m just sorry I lost it on you like I did. It’s no excuse, but I’m going through both physical and emotional problems that are scary as hell. It’s like the old me no longer exists. I seemed to have stepped out of myself and life as I knew it last July 9th. I don’t know how much longer it will be before I can be helped. I just hope I don’t end up suicidal while I’m waiting. I don’t think I will. I hope not anyway. But that’s not the point. The point is I’m sorry I blew a fuse and went off on you like I did. Whether or not I hear from you again wipes tears from eyes do take care of yourself and know that Frau Regenbogen is thinking of you despite her personal turmoil and hell and will always be here for you, even when she’s not in a great mood. The ratties love you, too.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2014
Surprisingly, I got my period today. I didn’t even know it had arrived. I had no cramps or anything. It wasn’t until I was cleaning up down there in the shower and saw the little stream of red that I knew I had it. Usually, I spot a day or two beforehand and have at least some cramps. It’s very light so far, but that’s to be expected without thyroid medication. I wore black underwear yesterday, so if I did have a little spot or two I wouldn’t know it.

I have felt fine now for 24 hours and 39 minutes. Sadly, I don’t know how much longer it will last, but I am enjoying it while it does. Last night I felt so good I almost didn’t want to go to bed because I just wanted to enjoy it. After feeling so awful for so long, I just didn’t know when the next time would be that I would feel good again and was reluctant to “fall asleep” on the feeling, so to speak.

Had a couple of moments before leaving and then at the store where I thought my heart would start booming, but nope. When I got up at noon and realized I felt ok, I wondered if I’d feel that way if it was Monday and I knew Tom wouldn’t be home for 6 more hours. He leaves at 5:30 am and doesn’t return till 6pm. During the week it’s almost like I live alone. But the mad money he’s making is allowing us to do some pretty amazing things. Like going to Sears and looking at furniture, modern washers/dryers, and the most amazing bed I ever laid on in my entire life. We could’ve purchased it all today, but we don’t want to increase our debt either. Better to leave several grand of credit open to an emergency, as we learned the hard way. Just because you have money doesn’t mean you should spend it all. I don’t like to make major purchases without having 2 or 3 times the amount of money the item costs.

Anyway, Sears didn’t have a very good selection of furniture and we didn’t want me to overdo it, so we didn’t go to any other stores. Besides, Tom wanted to install the Caddy’s new stereo and camera.

Later…

Now to finally catch up on a series of dreams I’ve had over the last few days. We were preparing to move from someplace and Tom was scrubbing the appliances when he stepped back to admire his word and said, “Isn’t that gorgeous?” I told him I didn’t think we should put as much effort into cleaning the place as we should packing and moving.

In another “scene,” I received a call from a woman about Tom’s blood work. I don’t remember what she said but I let her know I’d let Tom know what she told me when he got home. I can’t swear to it, but I think I started to say, “The heart attack that wasn’t really a heart attack” when he got home. Then I think he seemed to be in pain and said something like, “Not yet” or “Not so soon.”

Hopefully, this one’s a sign that I’ll survive long enough to see Andy cuz in the dream he was visiting and so were his sisters. His sisters didn’t seem impressed with the place (or me?). The only negative thing was that it started raining and I felt a raindrop on my face, suggesting the roof was leaking.

In another dream, I went to visit a woman with what I assumed were two human babies. I picked one up and kissed it and thought it looked a bit odd. Then I thought the other one, which was slightly bigger, seemed even stranger. Next, I went to use the woman’s bathroom and came back to find them jumping around in a large glass cage with these weird electronic milk bottles. After I saw one of the “babies” flash a full set of animal-like teeth at me and then read a sign on the front of the cage saying they came from Morocco and weren’t good for certain types of homes, I realized they weren’t human after all.

I unscrewed a clear round globe from the end of a curtain rod. It was a little bigger than a light bulb. Once I’d gotten it detached I noticed there were a dozen or so yellow jackets living in it. I panicked, dropped the globe, and ran for the bug spray.

In last night’s dreams, I had a bit part in a movie. After a makeup artist did our makeup, I was sitting at a long fancy dining table with about 6-8 other people when the lead actress came to say something to the person sitting next to me as well as myself. I don’t know what she said, but we nodded in response.

In another dream, Paula came to pick me up from someplace and took me to spend the night at her apartment. We chatted while lazily lounging on her living room floor for several hours before I crashed in her small spare bedroom on a twin-size bed. Then she woke me in the middle of the night to let me know she’d cooked bacon and eggs. This is something she would do, too.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2014
I’ve been indescribably horrible. Ok, so I know that millions have experienced both anxiety and the awful, sometimes terrifying effects of untreated Hashimoto’s disease, but I still feel that even as a writer, and even if some of you out there may get it, there are no words to describe the heart-pounding anxiety, frustration, helplessness and depression I felt for hours last night after Tom crashed, and then again this afternoon. It’s so unpredictable. It grips me when I least expect it and it releases its terrifying grip when I least expect it as well.

Your logical side knows you’re not experiencing anything life-threatening, but for some reason, you can’t get your brain to believe this and your body to act upon this fact by not freaking the fuck out when your heart rate elevates. I almost wish I were 10 years old. Kids always believe everything adults tell them. Nonetheless, having your heart race is scary. At least to me, it is. So trying to “stay calm” in the throes of a 110-140 heart marathon is not an easy thing to do at all. You sure feel like you’re going to die. Your heart’s pounding, you feel short of breath, you feel dizzy, you have the runs, your appetite is low, you can’t stop peeing, and your throat is scratchy and hoarse when you talk.

I have the extra weight to lose, mind you, but there’s something unnerving about losing it by way of illness, stress or drugs. If I were going to lose it I would rather do it the healthy way I would do it before my thyroid got as bad as it is today… diet and exercise. If I could somehow stand the hunger. For the last year or two, my goal has been not to enter the obese range, and guess what folks? Anxiety is a guaranteed way to get yourself denied membership into Obesity Land. Still, I don’t recommend it. I can see why thin, sickly people say they’d rather be fat and healthy. Me too! And at this point, I’d do ANYTHING to feel better. I’ll eat oranges every day. I’ll paint these walls gray. I’ll listen to gospel…

What I just didn’t get was why I’m having the same damn symptoms I had on the medication that was supposed to STOP these feelings. Tammy feels that if anything 75mcgs weren’t enough, but because I can’t take that much cuz of the side effects I need to be put on something else. I’m guessing I’ll be going to Armour, but I don’t know for sure yet. It’s pig thyroid instead of synthetic.

Tammy’s damn right in saying I can’t work out for now. The more physical I get, the worse it is. I had to keep taking breaks to rest while finishing up the laundry today. We talked on the phone twice. I also kept in touch with Tom at work via email, as usual. I’m glad I’m shifting onto nights and will be asleep through his next workweek. It isn’t just the thyroid that’s been making me feel lousy but the anxiety as well, and I’m definitely less anxious when he’s home. If anything the anxiety is the bigger problem right now and that needs to be medicated too, at least for a while. The problem is I’m low on lorazepam so I don’t want to take it unless I’m totally freaking out. My appointment isn’t until 11/13.

I can do a couple of quick jogs for a few minutes on the treadmill while he’s here, but no racing through the park on my beloved bike for a while. I suppose I could still work my arms and abs, but again, quickly and minimally. I can’t spend 10-15 minutes on my arms, then another 10-15 minutes crunching. It’s easier to maintain one’s shape than to get there in the first place, so I don’t think I’ll experience much muscle breakdown with a few minutes on each part.

Last night my heart raced and my anxiety soared from around 8pm - 11:30. I read on my Kindle, then I crashed around 2:30. Fucking traffic woke me up a couple of hours earlier than I was ready to get up (yeah, I figured I was due for a wake-up call), and then from 9:30 till 11:30 I dozed on and off. I just did NOT want to get up and face the day. A few years ago I didn’t want to get up and deal with how broke we were; now I don’t want to get up to deal with how lousy I feel. But I knew I couldn’t hide in bed forever and didn’t want Tom to do the laundry on top of his main job, even though I knew he gladly would if he had to.

So little by little I did the laundry, but just transferring the clothes from the washer to the dryer could be a bit taxing on my heart. I had to lie down here and there, and I also kept going from hot to cold and was very jittery. Then it suddenly let go and my heart was fine and I felt calm. I hoped I’d be ok for the rest of the day, but it seized its grip on me on and off like it was an invisible evil entity having fun tormenting me until a couple of hours before Tom got in at 6:00. I just hope it’s not going to get worse and pick up in frequency before the 13th!

Tammy doesn’t think anything’s punishing me any more than Tom does. She said bad things just happen. She’s done things she shouldn’t have. I’ve done things I shouldn’t have. But that doesn’t mean we’re being punished. I know, I know, it’s just hard to feel that way at times. Especially when things are at their worst. I really appreciate Tammy being there for me via phone when Tom’s at work. I feel bad that I felt too bad to focus more on what’s going on with her and the girls. The girls just got a nice 2-bedroom apartment. I’m happy for them since they don’t seem to mind apartments. Tammy wants Tom to call her since I was pretty shaken up and in tears, and well, that’s just the nurse in her, I guess. Even if he’s heard of and is aware of all that she might say, it will make Tammy feel better and there’s nothing wrong with giving her some peace of mind after supporting me like she has.

For now, we’re going to see how I do over the weekend. If there are any problems he’ll take me to urgent care on Monday.

I just hope I live to see Andy and my sister and my husband retire someday! I’d love to be near her now in Florida, but our situation is different than hers and Mark’s so we couldn’t just up and move there anytime soon.

Later…

I have felt wonderful for the last 7 hours that I almost can’t believe I practically felt like I was going to die earlier in the day. The difference between how I feel now vs. then is like night and day. I just wish I could feel this good ALL the time. But any second, my heart could take off on a mad run, kicking my anxiety up along with it. My thyroid’s going to make my heart do whatever it’s going to do with or without Tom’s calming presence, but him being around definitely helps with the anxiety end of it cuz that’s coming more from me than my piece of shit thyroid.

The rats are enjoying their new plush beds, though one isn’t plush at all and should be easy enough to wash. The hanging tent, though, has a furry lining.

We were actually discussing possibly going from rats to a cat once these guys are gone. Only we’d have just one cat and it would live a decade or more instead of two years or less like rats do. Rats aren’t as much work as dogs, but they are more work than cats. Cleaning litter boxes would be much easier than cleaning rat cages, and the cat wouldn’t have to be let out of a cage for exercise and supervision. I don’t have to watch the rats every second like a hawk, but they are rodents and they can burrow into things and chew things, too. Cats can jump, claw and chew as well, but they don’t have the razor-sharp teeth rodents have. Romeo and Sugar could go anytime now, but Hoodie’s got quite a bit of time left, so we have time to think about it. This would be a good size house for a cat, too.

Had to kick on the heat this morning, but the next two days should be warm.

The only sucky thing is that the stand I got for my Kindle, which is a great stand, is for newer, slimmer models. Guess it’s time for a basic Paper White.

Due to being busy and feeling shitty I still haven’t documented what dreams I remember having over the last few days, but I have taken notes so I don’t forget anything. Maybe tomorrow I will get to them since I won’t have any cleaning to do. We might go out and look at furniture, but that’s about it.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2014
It’s been amazingly quiet these last two days. It even rained yesterday and was super cloudy. Today it’s partially cloudy, but no more rain is expected. I’m wondering if we might need heat late tonight, though.

Now to answer a few questions I’ve gotten on random sites before I continue… no, my robot can’t vacuum the whole house at once. It is too big for its battery to last the whole house, but it can do it all in two runs.

No, I’m not worried about ISIS taking over the US. There are too many of us and we’re better armed than most countries. Meanwhile, they’re just a tiny little group of nutjobs running around the desert on the other side of the world. Sooner or later they will be stamped out of existence. At least most of them will be any way for a while.

And no, I’m not worried about Ebola. Where there are a few hundred deaths a year from that, there are over a million from traffic accidents a year. There are 7 billion people on the planet. If a billion die from it and there is still no cure, then I’ll start worrying. I’m much likelier to have a stroke or a heart attack. Maybe even get cancer.

Do I miss Nane? Not particularly. This is probably because this time I was the dumper and not the dumpee. I think the one doing the dumping is a lot angrier and more fed up than the one getting dumped, but I also know Nane. I’m not important enough to fight for like I fought for her when she dumped me for a few months in late 2011 during one of the most horrible times of my life. I’m sure we’ll think of each other from time to time, but I’ll never hear from her again. I’ll talk to her if she absolutely wants to talk to me since it’s not like she tried to kill me or anything, but honestly, I don’t expect to hear from her. And no, she’s not the stalking, pranking, vindictive type either. She won’t bully me or those I know or read my blog. I do still get the second-highest views from Germany but I can’t say who it is. Whoever it is isn’t registering on TIP, just on Blogger, and Blogger doesn’t give details. It just says the country and not any city info or anything like that. Too few views to be a bot, though.

I hate it when I get followed by authors, famous or not, on Twitter. I know they’re just doing it in the hopes of me buying their books and that they’re not the least bit interested in mine.

I like having my office in the laundry room where the built-in desk is much better than the desk we bought that’s in the living room. I got a little desk fan that makes a great sound machine that drowns out most landscaping sounds and it’s less visually distracting in here too, since there’s just one window as opposed to the 8 huge ones in the living and dining area. I still don’t appreciate my 80-something neighbor who’s supposed to be quiet in a retirement community running me out of there, but sooner or later they’re going to die and something much worse is going to end up over there. How do I know this? you ask. I just do. I know my luck when it comes to neighbors and it’s not usually very good. He’s been quiet since the day we chatted, though. I just hear little sounds of movement but who cares about that. I will eventually have a computer I can use anywhere, and the desk will be good for other things. The one we bought, that is.

I grabbed a wax warmer that doesn’t have a light. It uses a warming plate instead. I thought this would be ideal for the bedroom if it works well enough. I’ll find out on Saturday!

Just like I want to get some new sleeveless loungers and dresses for next summer, I want a few pairs of PJs for the winter. Something with long pants and long sleeves so I don’t have to wear my bulky robe so much of the time. Cooking and cleaning aren’t so easy in that thing, not that I cook that much.

While I hate change I still like to try new things. So I got these cappuccino potato chips and sweet potato Triscuit crackers. The crackers are just so-so, but the chips are good. Tom thought the chips were so horrible he wouldn’t even try the crackers, LOL. Said they tasted like dirt.

I just have such mixed emotions about all the OT! Yes, I love the money, but I hate not seeing my husband when I feel so horrible. I see him for two hours in the evening and two in the morning depending on my schedule. It’s like he’s only here to eat, shit, shower and sleep during the week.

Later…

Last night’s dream wasn’t very fun. It was like Mom and Dad throwing me away in Valleyhead all over again. Before this, I was in some apartment on an upper floor. Like the 3rd or 4th floor or higher. It had a really cool layout. I was to stay there for a night or two, but I guess I was in some kind of custody because what looked like a female officer was present. I said I wanted the bedroom with the enclosed balcony off of it and she said that would be ok because it wasn’t a ground floor.

Then one day I was sitting in the back seat of my parents’ car. Dad was driving and he was asking me questions about bike riding while mom sat silently in the passenger seat. I spoke of the terrain being rougher in certain areas.

They drove me to this strange “Valleyhead” and after they left I entered a moat-like body of water that “slipped into” VH. I pulled myself out of the water and realized I was naked and had no clothes to change into and I also realized I’d left a set of 3 keys in my parents’ trunk. Keys that were very important. Before the “students” left for vacation they locked their bedding and other belongings in storage bins and now I was unable to get into mine. I contemplated calling them but realized they couldn’t get back to me with the keys soon enough.

Desperate to find some clothes and a blanket, I began hunting inside the building and at one point I entered a huge room that was divided in half. On one side, everyone was in their bunks asleep. I peered underneath the wide doorway, which was several inches from the ground, in hopes of finding a blanket I could snatch. All I saw, though, were neatly folded stacks of clothes and personal hygiene items like hairbrushes, tampons, makeup and toothpaste.

I asked some young, dark-haired girl for help and she said, “I told you where they are. They’re in that dark corner.”

That “dark corner” was on the other side where no one was asleep yet. I quickly snatched up a blanket to cover myself with, and then I saw some guy carrying a bunch of colorful coats. Thinking I could use one of them, I followed him to where he was going to place them on a long rod. All of a sudden I realized I’d left my purse in the other room and wasn’t so sure I should take the time to wait around to grab a coat.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2014
Between feeling like shit and writing about Nane deciding to attack me like she did yesterday on Facebook, I haven’t really had time to get into Tom’s appointment and what’s been going on with me.

I may have to work on this in spurts just like I’ve had to do the cleaning and laundry in spurts.

Tom said that the male Arab doctor that he saw was friendly. As in professionally friendly. He didn’t come off as uncaring as Dr. D or anything like that. This is the doctor Nane had a problem with my not wanting to see. The REAL reason I didn’t want to see him wasn’t that I feared he was some secret terrorist that would kill me, but because I was afraid I would have trouble understanding his accent, and I also prefer a female doctor. No matter how sensitive a guy is and no matter how smart he thinks he is, only a woman can know what it’s like to be a woman. I don’t want my health in the hands of one who has to guess and imagine how I feel. I will see him, however, if Tom continues to like him and I don’t like the female Ecuadorian doctor I’ll be seeing. Meanwhile, he gave Tom some pills for his high BP and we’ll see what the blood work says.

But for Nane to have called me racist is just ridiculous. Do I like Muslims as a whole? No, I don’t. But that doesn’t mean I hate every single one of them. Funny how she went on and on about her ex-husband being black-American, the love of her life being Greek, and the guy she keeps taking back after they break up is Turkish. Well, I had a one-nighter with a girl who was part black, part Puerto Rican, a 6-month relationship with a Cherokee woman, and another one-nighter with a Mexican girl. So I’d say I’ve done my share of race-mixing as well. :)

Decided to spend the next year or so selling all my dolls, even though, contrary to some people’s beliefs, doll collecting among women truly is very common. Maybe it’s not in Europe, but it is kind of pointless to have them sitting around collecting dust, so I think I’ll eventually sell them on Amazon. I’m going to be stubborn about the prices, though. If I don’t make a profit, ok. But I want at least what we paid for them. Even for Peyton, the doll I just got. She was to complete my trio of 18” dolls. I had a green-eyed blond, and an Asian doll with dark hair and eyes, and so I wanted to add a blue-eyed redhead. I will let people know once they’re up for sale.

Still more to write about regarding these scary spikes in the heart rate I’ve been having, but I’ll get to it later.

Later…

Looks like my sister was right about the spikes in my heartbeat being caused by my thyroid. I thought it was unlikely because I’ve got hypothyroidism and not hyperthyroidism. But from all we’ve experienced, researched and learned over the last year, that’s almost certainly what’s been causing my problem as opposed to medications or anxiety. Don’t get me wrong; the whole thing has made me anxious as hell on top of it all. Having your heart suddenly race is terrifying and you can bet your ass it’s going to cause anxiety and maybe even panic attacks.

The problem was when they upped me from 50mcg to 75mcg. See, my thyroid isn’t 100% dead. If it were I’d have gained a ton of weight in just 6 months and not 30 pounds over a decade. Some days my thyroid actually works a little better on its own, and the problem comes in when the pituitary gland starts screaming commands at it to work harder than it can. I was put on meds not because the gland is dead but because it works harder than it can. But the pit gland isn’t smart enough to know that it’s being overworked by being told to work harder than it can. It’s like a runner who wants to run at 8 MPH but can only run up to 6 MPH while some drill sergeant is screaming, “Run faster, run faster!” This is what causes the scary spikes in heart rate.

The 50mcgs showed my thyroid was still a bit underactive, but 75 made it go haywire. Then when I stopped the meds that caused my thyroid to dip and once again the pituitary is throwing a shit fit over it. So we don’t just need to regulate the thyroid gland to but shut the pit up as well. They’re pretty much intertwined. The 75s made me feel worse than not taking anything at all, but I definitely need to get back onto a much lower dose of something.

Last night after Tom crashed I had some scary spikes. One had me almost considering waking him up and getting me to an ER, but I just did some deep breathing and reminded myself it was not life-threatening. Just scary as hell.

This morning I was hoping to sleep in till 10:00 so I’d have fewer hours alone, but I awoke at 7-fucking-30, unfortunately. Not wanting to get up and face whatever tortures my heart was going to put me through, I lay there for over an hour. Then sure enough, I felt a wooziness come over me, then boom, boom, boom! I jumped up and took a chill pill, but fortunately, it settled down fast and I haven’t had any other spikes during the day and evening. Who knows what’s in store for me later on, though? It’s unpredictable, though heat from hot food or hot showers can trigger it.

Never was I more grateful that I don’t drive. Yeah, it’s a pain in the ass at times having to rely on Tom to finagle his schedule so he can take me where I need to go but to think that this could’ve happened while I was driving is enough to spike my heart rate all on its own!

I started to fear I might have a case of tachycardia that could be dangerous, but we’re still pretty confident my heart itself is ok. When Tom’s asleep or at work I email him when anything happens. When I got up, this was waiting in my inbox from him:

I have done a little more research on heart rates and I found a post from a doctor responding to a woman with similar questions (I know she doesn’t have your symptoms but it does show that a variation in heart rates is not a big deal). The woman is 44 and said that during a workout her heart went from 130 to 165 to 57 to 120 to 130. She also said it has been as high as 215. The doctor said variations between 57 and 165 are okay but 215 is getting a little too high. He recommended that she have her thyroid checked. In this case, I think the doctor suspects hyperthyroidism is causing the extremely high heart rate. The point is your heart is fluctuating between something like 80 and 140 which is a lot less than the 57 to 165 that the doctor wasn’t even worried about. I think as long as you take the chill pill on days that I work you will be fine until your appointment. If there is any risk at all the doctor will send you to a specialist within a few days of your appointment. Of course if there were any real risks your last doctor would have already sent you to a cardiologist, doctors are very worried about being sued so they are very cautious when it comes to heart issues. Remember when I had chest pains they had me do a stress test for my exercise-induced asthma. I think the reason they were concerned with me was that I had the pain but no other symptoms. Because you have a number of different symptoms they are able to tell that it is not an issue with your heart.

My old endo doc was confused from the get-go cuz when she asked me how I felt and I told her I felt the same, I think she was under the impression that I’d always felt tired when in fact that was actually one symptom I never had. I have just as much energy as I did in my 20s. I think that the miscommunication and my not knowing enough about it back then to understand things is part of what got me all messed up, not that Sutter as a whole is a good medical group to be with anyway. The office staff is just a nightmare to deal with. Tom’s going to request the records from them in a week or two.

Last night I was looking out the window longing to be out there on my bike in the dead of night when the park is asleep and no mutt walkers or traffic is in my way, but I knew that I couldn’t be because I didn’t want to risk having a spike when my heart was already elevated. I miss not having to give a second thought to such simple little pleasures in life. These spikes suck to have if you’re just lying in bed or sitting still in a chair, but you DON’T want it to happen while exercising! We talked about getting a gear wheel for my bike since it’s gearless, or even a motorized attachment that’ll push the bike uphill for me, but that’d be like cheating. What’s the point of working out then? I just want to wait till they stabilize my thyroid and, thus my heart. I miss being out there! Not just to keep in shape but because biking is fun and I love the fresh air, especially since I work at home. Tonight I just did a quick run on the treadmill after Tom came home. Enough to keep my joints and muscles strong, but not to overdo it. Definitely don’t want to push it at this point even though I’d love to hop on the bike, feel the wind in my hair, and just zip through the park.

I knew it, though. I knew I didn’t just suddenly develop a killer case of anxiety independent of the meds, naturally a bit anxious/emotional or not. But I’m really surprised it wasn’t all due to the meds themselves. 75mcg is still way out of the question. That dose not only spiked my heart big time but it totally fucked up my brain chemistry. That feeling of suffocation and utter doom and despair was horrible. I also knew I didn’t “overdo” my workout. Sorry, but fat or not, I’m in pretty good shape.

I really want to live to see him retire and maybe move to Florida and have more family around, etc. Really wish Andy, Tammy and Aly lived locally at times.

All in all, Hashimoto’s is a shit disease to have. Really thought I wouldn’t have to deal with these kinds of things till my husband was retired and didn’t have to juggle his schedule to help me deal with it. I definitely feel more comfortable with him around during this rough patch and was glad to take a nap for a couple of hours this afternoon. That made it seem like I was alone for two fewer hours.

The OT money is awesome, though, and we just got some stuff on Amazon, mostly for the car and rats. A new stereo, a camera to put in back of the car, some bedding and plush beds for the rats, and a Kindle stand for me. This way when I’m lying in bed reading, these little hands and short fingers of mine don’t have to hold this surprisingly heavy device.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2014
Just like Nane dumped me in late 2010, a few months after we met on a language site, it’s my turn to dump her. It was a fun 4 years, but I don’t need the fucking judgments. Let her serve as an example, folks, that no, I wasn’t kidding. You wanna ask me something out of curiosity, fine. You want to judge and critique me and twist the things I say, I’m gone. Period. Life is too short to waste time on people like that when there are so many other people in the world. Although I’ll cherish the fun chats we had, I don’t need this shit from her or anyone else. If I wouldn’t take it from someone right down the street, I sure as shit ain’t taking it from someone on the other side of the world that I never met no matter how good-looking they may be. You’re a mouse click, a phone call, or a door knock away from entering my life, and it also takes those same quick actions to remove you from it.

First and foremost, I don’t hate Nane and I don’t wish bad things on her or anything like that. But I’m me just like others are who they are and I don’t make any apologies for being who/what I am. I simply avoid those I don’t like as opposed to sticking around and trying to change them. It wasn’t that Nane had gone so far as to try to “change” me, but when I get called racist for not loving each and every human being on the planet, I get a little fed up. If having a beef against those who run around savagely beheading people or playing the race card when someone pisses them off makes me racist, then fine.

It actually started with her asking about my doll collection. She said she wondered why I collected these dolls and figurines. I kind of blinked in confusion and thought to myself, well, why not? Still not getting just what it was she was asking, she goes on to say that she wonders if something’s missing from my childhood. Well, it certainly wasn’t dolls! We had plenty of material things and that was one of the few things we actually didn’t lack growing up. It was the love, lack of attention, and acceptance that was the problem. I’m not one to try to “hold onto my youth” because I know that youth can’t be ours forever anyway. Furthermore, there are TONS of adult collectors out there. I never could understand all the questions and problems with adult doll/figurine collectors. It’s like with Halloween. Sure more kids are into it than adults, but adults do have Halloween parties. Still, if you collect coins, stamps, or bottles no one ever thinks twice about it and no one questions you. As soon as it’s dolls, though, there must, must, must be something wrong with you if you’re over 12. Sorry, though, folks. I’m not going to trash my collection cuz you guys may think it’s “weird” or something from my past that drives me to collect. I’ve been an avid collector since 1999, with a 5-year break when poverty struck us down hard. I sold many pieces due to either getting sick of them or needing the extra money. I don’t plan to collect much more but that’s only because I’m sick of dusting them and running out of space. Not because you guys think I’m too old for this shit. I could actually make a lot more space; it’s just that I don’t want these shelves too cluttered.

Again, though, there are numerous adult collectors out there. No, not as many kids, but enough. Some prefer porcelain only, some like vinyl, some like lifelike baby dolls, some like Barbie, some like clowns, some like ethnics, etc. I have a mix of everything but clowns.

So even though she says she’s sorry if she hurt my feelings, I told her no, I wasn’t hurt, but I was feeling like she was crossing the line from curious to judgmental. I make no apologies for liking what I like as knickknacks and home décor anymore than I apologize for what types of food and music I like. Not everything has some grand reason behind it. I collect dolls because I like to. I’m fat because I have Hashimoto’s and hate the hunger diets bring. I don’t like to travel much (regardless of how we’re doing for money) because it’s a pain in the ass. I don’t have many in-person friends because it’s not important to me to have them. I don’t eat oranges cuz I hate the taste. I sometimes listen to new-age music cuz it relaxes me. See? Not everything in life is so complicated. So if these things seem strange for a “grown-up woman,” that’s your problem.

Back to the race thing. She comes out and says, “You are a racist and that’s why I’ve been staying away the last few months. You’ve been making comments about people not being white or American.”

She missed the point, but again, it’s easier to just not bother than to try to explain to someone who should know me better by now. Making an observation doesn’t necessarily make one racist. Any idiot should know that. If I decide I don’t like you it’s going to be because of YOU, not where you’re from or what color you are. I think this stems from my saying that it’s hard to get an American doctor here because so many doctors come from other countries as they know they can make so much more money here.

Do I have a problem with immigration as a whole? You bet I do and I have no qualms in saying so. If it weren’t for so many damn immigrants coming over here and hogging our resources, my husband probably wouldn’t have had to spend so long on unemployment. How do you think it made me feel to see my husband, with so many years of great work history, automatically get passed over to one who’s either younger, blacker or from somewhere else because we’re living in a time when society feels the need to favor non-whites to make up for how rough non-whites had it in the past? Like my husband is responsible for that? Gimme a fucking break!

If my husband were single and looking, a man would not be acceptable. Does that make the guy a hater of gays? Absolutely not! His wife’s best friend, a gay guy that’s like family that she’s known all her life, can vouch for that. He’s been over his place to help fix his TV and whatnot when we all lived in Phoenix and he had no problem with that whatsoever. Or his many visits to the house we had. Or the visit he’ll be making to this house in this state next month.

Nonetheless, that’s how our society is. If a woman prefers a woman doctor, she’s a sexist. If a person speaks out about blacks rioting when they don’t get their way, she’s a racist. Does my not liking oranges mean I’m prejudiced against those who work in citrus groves?

Well, think what you want folks, cuz guess what? Jodi’s staying Jodi. I’m nobody’s liar and I’m not about to conform to what’s politically correct or normal. I don’t strive to be unique and I don’t strive to be normal. Just me, is all. I’m not selling my dolls. I’m not going to hold back on saying what I have to say about certain people’s actions and personalities simply because the person may be black and it may offend people. If I acquire a rare illness or disease I’m not going to hold back on that just because you might not get it and therefore insist I’m making it up as an excuse to get out of whatever. A journal is to document our lives and experiences and the people we deal with throughout life. Whether or not anyone agrees with it or likes it is strictly up to them, but I’m not going to let it influence what I say and how I live my life. It’s ok to think I’m strange, but just remember that before you go picking on someone for not liking the way some groups handle things, remember you have your own limits and restrictions as well. Some of you do, anyway. I could’ve sworn Nane said she’d never date anyone who wasn’t fluent in German. But it’s not ok for me to prefer American doctors? It’s not ok that I’m not quick to embrace all the Muslims in the world after the way they’ve terrorized us and love to chop people’s heads off all in the name of their precious and fictitious “Allah?” snorts Who the fuck does she think she’s kidding?

Doesn’t matter. I told her we’re done and then I deleted her. Will she fight for me like I once fought for her when she was the one to dump me? I doubt it. That’s not what I’d want but I am curious as to how she’ll react as my dumping her sinks in. I think right now she’s probably in shock, never thinking I’d dare do such a thing and that I’d just keep playing her games and taking her shit.

I dreamed of sitting in a predominantly black courtroom. A young black girl, who was in on assault charges, was telling the judge how she wasn’t going to just stand there when some girl went to punch her in the nose. The judge, who I couldn’t see from where I sat, but who also sounded black, spoke in a calm but matter-of-fact voice. I couldn’t understand a word she said, though. Then the girl started making these loud shrilly sounds and I wasn’t sure if they were sounds of anger or if she’d burst out in this hysterical fit of laughter or something.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2014
They say if you’re gay, you’re confused. They also say if you’re bisexual, you’re confused. Lastly, they say that if you’re a lesbian, you’re still confused. My point? Those that think they have it all figured out and can assign these neat little labels and properly categorize people and the things they feel are probably the ones that are the most confused.

Like, well… me, for example. I was so sure I had the random anxiety attacks figured out. First I thought I could slap a nice neat little label saying “levothyroxine” on these attacks and that this would be the simple and correct term for it with no other possibilities in between. Then I thought I could change or at least add a label saying “vitamin D.” Then after yesterday when I supposedly overdid my workout, even though I’m an avid rider, I thought I could add yet another label saying “overdid it.”

Once it happened when I simply reached down to pick something up off the bathroom floor last night I realized that not only does one label/term NOT fill all, but I ran out of other possibilities to add to my list of labels unless “I’m all out of ideas” or “I give up trying to figure this out” counts. Even sitting at the computer my heart would sometimes race over 100.

“How come my heart didn’t beat like this when I used to run?” I asked Tom, and he thinks it did. Did it? I guess it might have, but as he said, I wasn’t so hyperaware and obsessed with paying attention to it back then.

Still, once the incident in the bathroom happened was when I officially gave up trying to narrow it down and crush it right out of my life, whatever it was. Sometimes giving up can actually be the way to success, but I think that once my fear turned to anger like it did last night, that might’ve been a turning point for me. I don’t take no shit from people and I ain’t about to take it from any of my body parts either. As Tom reminded me numerous times, the heart won’t beat faster than it needs to, fluctuations are actually a good thing from what he’s read on WebMD, doctors listened to it when my BP and pulse were high and no one ever worried about it.

Tom said that without unemployment, though we would still get that, we’d be ok for 7-8 months if I wanted him to quit his job so we could focus more on my health and getting these anxiety attacks under control.

No! I adamantly told him. Because if my gut instinct is right about something up there “punishing” me for finally getting what I want in life, be it any kind of a God or whatever, then that’s actually what it wants. God would LOVE to see us throw our lives away, and while our chances of ending up in a serious jam are much lower than a few years ago, it’s still risky and that would only add to my anxiety. As it is we were charged 3-fucking-hundred dollars for the paramedic call. Things add up. I thought that was free like when you call the cops, though! I guess the only time you don’t pay is if they take you to the ER and admit you.

Today has been just the opposite of yesterday. I chill-pilled when I got up at 7am and have been fine ever since. In fact, I’ve been amazingly calm and it’s probably due to that little white pill. At this point, I don’t care anymore. I don’t care if it’s my left toe ring or my right pinky making me feel better! I’m just glad to feel relaxed for a change. If I have to take chill pills regularly, at least until I can get established with new doctors and a new medication setup, so be it. Then once I’m settled in with that I can slowly do away with the happy pills. Now, for reasons I may never know, they definitely seem to help and I appreciate having them.

Maybe menopause really is setting in, which can have similar effects. I’ll bring all this up with my new doctor (damn, I’m gonna miss Doc C, and if only Sutter wasn’t so messed up!) Tom doesn’t think it’s any one thing and was probably a combination of the meds and other things, and realizing he’s right, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that I need to learn to live with these things because there’s no way to know for sure if they’ll ever go away on their own. I suppose that if they could start on their own, they could disappear on their own, but why??? Why did they suddenly decide to start on July 9th in the first place? What was it about that day, just one day shy of our 1-year anniversary here?

Trying not to panic when my heart suddenly takes off galloping is hard as hell. It’s like resisting the natural urge/reflex to punch someone that’s punched you. How do you just get punched like that and just stand there without striking back? No matter who the stronger, fitter, slimmer, angrier one is, isn’t it only natural to fight back and defend yourself? Well, for me, it is very hard to resist the urge to panic when my heart races. Trying to ignore it and stay calm is damn near impossible. I don’t know why it’s so scary (an adrenaline rush?) but it just is. It’s terrifying and hard to adapt to. The only good in this shit is that it might actually make going back on meds less scary if I know that’s not the only culprit and that the bulk of it really is just random anxiety. It sure is keeping my weight down too, so no need to worry I’m going to get so big I can’t even tie my shoes.

Tom should be heading to his own doctor’s appointment right about now. I hope he’s right when he says all they’ll do is tell him his blood pressure’s a little high and he should lose some weight. He’s going to start dieting soon. If his thyroid is ok, then it should be simple enough as long as he can stand the hunger and cravings. Hunger is more an issue with me than specific cravings, but I expect to just stay in the 140s.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2014
On this unusually windy day, I have officially given up on ever feeling like my old self again. She’s gone forever. In fact, I sometimes wonder if I’m going to live much longer, especially since every time I’m pretty sure I know what’s going on with me, I’m back to square one with nothing but questions. Tom keeps saying I’m fine, everything’s fine, nothing’s wrong, but then why did I have another “heart explosion” on the bike? Tom was with me and we stopped and sat on a bench, but still… did I really “overdo” it? Even though I was going slow coming up the hill, Tom said he could see me pushing and straining and that while I may be in better aerobic shape than he is, my leg muscles aren’t as strong as his. I’m also on a gearless bike. My heart didn’t make it to 160, though it probably came close at 140-150. When we got back I had another case of the partial runs where it wasn’t quite what would qualify as being the runs, but not solid either.

Now I’m wondering once again if the vitamin D really caused my heart to race in the shower last Friday or not. And why did I have a weird feeling when I woke up a few times for a minute or two in the middle of the night as I often do? I know our bodies shoot adrenaline through us when we wake up, but when I placed my hand on my heart, it didn’t feel like it was racing. Sometimes it almost feels like it’s racing or is about to take off racing yet it doesn’t.

beats head in frustration I just don’t understand anymore. I just don’t. Was it both a case of my overdoing it and the vitamin D? My thyroid? Anxiety? Something else? Tom doesn’t think it’s any one thing and that makes it all the more frustrating and scary because that means I’m fair game to these beat-outs anytime, anywhere. It’s like my whole body is messed up. My period’s 10 days late and I don’t know if that’s because of stress and stopping the medication, or if it’s menopause setting in or both. Like I said, I just don’t know what to think anymore.

I feel fine right now, but how will I feel in a few minutes? How will I feel in a few hours? Tomorrow I’ll be alone again, worried, wondering… is my heart going to suddenly take off on a mad rampage? If this shit keeps up I’ll have to see a specialist for sure. Both a cardiologist and maybe even the shrink Hot Doc wanted me to see. If it’s anxiety, then I may need to be chill pilled for a while. If it’s my heart, which I doubt, then that too will need attention. Again, hearts don’t usually race when there’s something going on with them so I’m not too concerned with that. We learned, though, that we don’t need a referral, after all, to go to a specialist. With our plan, we can just go, even though it’ll cost $35.

My thyroid’s definitely gotta be moving somewhat cuz I’m down half a pound after a day of eating candy, chips and all kinds of stuff as I always do on weekends. I still have the energy I had when I was young and still tend to dash from room to room, but I didn’t get any other exercising done yesterday other than that and walking around Walmart.

I never even got to mention my chat with Bob or some other things because I’ve been either busy or feeling crappy. Other than feeling crappy, life is great. I almost feel like I’m being punished for this happiness, though, and believe me when I say I’d rather be broke than feeling shitty. Yet it’s like something’s punishing me for “going home,” as funny as it may sound, and doing well financially. But just because we have money doesn’t mean we’re rich, and just because we got to live in a nice house/neighborhood doesn’t always mean it’s peaceful.

Later on, I’ll write about the things I haven’t written about yet. This entry’s long enough anyway.

Later…

And now to catch up on the rest of my life since I plan to be busy tomorrow cleaning and worrying about my heart freaking out on me if it isn’t actually doing so. Really, really hope today’s race from hell was just cuz I truly did overdo it on the bike, and that Friday’s was due to the vitamin D.

I forget what day it was (Thursday?) but when the saw and hammer started up AGAIN just 15’ away, I’d had enough. I didn’t want to sound complaining, though. I mean sure it’s great to be active and do things and all that and I know he has a right to do his thing, but not if it’s disturbing those around you, right? Just because you may want to build things doesn’t mean I should have to hear about it. I don’t care if it’s “normal” daytime noise or not. Unless you’re doing necessary repairs or yard work or something like that, your wanting to build your daughter a birdhouse should be between you and her and not on me as well.

So I went over there (surprised to find him in a gray T-shirt instead of the usual white one) and asked if he had a set schedule these days for woodworking that I could go by on account of my work. He said no and that he did projects all the time for his kids and grandkids. Yeah, that’s the problem. He’s the Jesse of the park, though I can’t deny that there are a few others around here that would be worse to live next to. He said he might not do anything for a month between projects but doesn’t have a set schedule. In the last several weeks, though, he’s worked more than I’ve ever heard him in the entire 15 months we’ve lived here.

I told him if I had an idea of when he’d be likely to be working I could move my office on the other side of the house (even though some of his racket is so loud it can be heard there, too). He asked what I did and I told him I do artificial intelligence work and some writing. Then he said he’d let me know when he planned to do a lot of sawing and asked what was it about this (his woodworking). Are you kidding? I thought to myself. I know the guy’s got hearing issues and he did, in fact, wear a hearing aid, but how can he be so stupid? Common sense should tell the guy that running loud power tools and beating the snot out of things with hammers and mallets just a matter of feet from the wall of one’s house is loud, distracting, and annoying to those who aren’t deaf. I just politely said it could be heard over the videos and recordings I’m often paid to watch and evaluate (which is true). Again he just said he’d let me know when he planned to be at it again and that’s fair enough. I don’t want the guy to stop living his life; I’d just like a heads-up if he’s not going to tone it down a bit anytime soon.

When we talked he was just finishing up the birdhouse he was making for his daughter. It is BEAUTIFUL too, though painted with dull colors. Very detailed with a shingled roof and many pieces. No wonder it took so much time and noise to make. I thought it would have about 7 pieces and be half the size it is.

All I heard the next day, Friday morning, was a couple of minutes of what sounded like a sander, then nothing ever since. For now, I’m in the office/laundry room, and hopefully the people on this side won’t get wild on me before I can get a portable device. I highly doubt they will, though, as the couple that lives in the gold house has never been into the woodworking thing the whole time we’ve been here, and the green house just has a lady that never goes anywhere and rarely has company.

Bob asked how I was doing and I told him I’ve had my rough moments and to say hi to Virginia for me. I asked how many grandkids he had. He said 8 and I said, “Wow,” with a smile all the while thinking that he should’ve been sterilized a long time ago for my sake.

Tom replaced the valve in the master toilet because it was leaking, and Windows still sucks shit because I’d already gotten viruses after just a few uses of the Windows PC he got from work that I didn’t even know about until he discovered them when he used that computer. He used it to try to see if I could run my big Mac from either the Windows PC in the laundry room or the living room where it was set up until a few hours ago. The refresh rate was too slow, though, so we decided to just throw the Mac in here. We also decided that when I get a compact and portable laptop/tablet, we’re going to pay the extra money to get a Mac so I can be safer. Windows is just so fucking buggy I honestly don’t understand why anyone on earth uses it.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2014
Although I feel slightly anxious even though my heart’s not racing, I haven’t had any serious heart racing, now that I suspect the vitamin D had a hand in tormenting me along with the other shit I was on. Unless I need a chill pill, which I’m hoping to avoid, I’m determined not to let anything other than food and drinks pass these lips till I see my new doctor next month. It’s the only way to know if anything is going on that’s not chemically induced. Other than the Hashimoto’s and stuff we know of, I don’t think there’s anything else going on with me, but this way I can have a better idea.

Tom still thinks my heart has been around 160 during past workouts; I just didn’t make a big deal of it back then cuz I wasn’t “scarred,” so to speak, by the levothyroxine experience. And I say it was rarely that high and it also never took forever to return to normal like it did on Wednesday.

He has a point when he says that while the vitamin D may’ve elevated it, I then became anxious over it. I don’t doubt that. That’s why, like he said, he was able to help me get it back to normal quickly enough the second time when I was able to reach him right away. Chemicals don’t know, after all, when you’ve got someone to help talk you through it.

Anyway, Gail and Benji are really Merle and Benji. Andy, being 4 years older than I am, was able to tell me a little bit more about these two from the 70s. As I told him, after explaining what little I remembered of them during our summer stays at the beach in Connecticut, I’m not looking to contact either of them. I just wondered who they were.

I also couldn’t swear under oath that Merle really did abuse Benji. Maybe he was just a spoiled brat taking a tantrum and all Merle was doing that day in the bedroom of their rental was simply yelling at him. If I had to guess, though, she probably was at least smacking the kid.

They were connected to Andy’s sister. Merle actually used to be Marla’s SIL. There were two sisters, Arlene and Merle. I don’t remember the name Merle, much less why I thought her name was Gail, but the name Arlene struck me as familiar when Andy mentioned it in the VM he left me. Arlene was beautiful and blessed and she married a rich guy. Merle, on the other hand, was cursed and ugly. Andy’s physical description of her was exactly what I remembered it to be except for her weight. He described her as thin, but I thought she was fat. A difference of perception perhaps? Sort of like how some wouldn’t consider me that big while others would consider me a pretty good size.

The only other thing he told me was that Merle babysat a lot. I guess Arlene and Arthur decided they weren’t going to let a kid stop them from living, so they often pawned him off on Aunt Merle so they could run off and do things.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2014
Looks like I just might’ve made a major breakthrough in what’s been making my heart race its ass off. I ate a protein bar and then took my chewable kiddy vitamin along with my vitamin D gel pill. As I was swallowing the pill I got one of those bad feelings we psychics get that we always try to ignore and convince ourselves is just us being “silly.”

I was cooking my mini pizza and all was fine 15 minutes later save for a bout of the partial runs, as I call it. A half-hour later things were still fine. Then I was just finishing up my shower and rinsing the water out of my not-so-long hair. When it’s soaking wet and all the curls are pulled straight it’s maybe a third of the way down my back right now. As I was turning the knobs to stop the water was when I realized my heart was booming again. Breathing deeply and trying to keep calm I grabbed my phone and called Tom while lying on the bed. Mostly thanks to being able to reach him right away and it not occurring several minutes before I could get home like two days ago on the bike, it slowed down pretty fast. Yesterday I took nothing at all. I admit I questioned the vitamin D, but then said, nah.

I took a chill pill cuz my pulse was starting to come back up, had two more bouts of partial runs, and then, as self-pitying as it may seem, I broke down in tears of frustration for a few minutes. I couldn’t help but ask WHY? And HOW do I fix this? Nothing I come up with makes sense. I agree with Tom that it’s not likely to be my heart because I have none of the classic symptoms. No chest, neck or arm pain.

Although the symptoms scream “anxiety,” even though I had no feelings of suffocation, throat lumps or symptoms other than a racy heart and upset stomach, why would I suddenly develop such a severe anxiety disorder despite being naturally anxious in the past? When did it ever terrify me so much that I had to run and call Tom about it? So once again, even if it seems a bit extreme for me, I wondered if the doc was right and if maybe I’ve got severe anxiety and need a shrink. The only thing I’m sure of is that if my only choices are these beat-outs or doping myself up, I’ll take the dope. It’s terrifying. Just because it’s not life-threatening doesn’t make it any less scary. That big old spider on the wall isn’t life-threatening either, but he’s still terrifying, just in a different kind of way.

It being my thyroid also makes no sense cuz why now? I’ve had a bum thyroid for years, so why now? I need to find out what this is and get it dealt with, I said to myself, so yes, I’m going to mention it to the new doc next month. I’m literally living in fear now and it’s no way to live. When something’s not actually happening, I’m scared that it will. My sense of peace and security is gone, and every time I think I’m good as new again, my worst fears are realized and confirmed once again.

And then… even though I promised Tom I wouldn’t research medical stuff so I don’t get freaked out or confused by what I may find… I googled “can vitamin d make your heart race.”

I sat back in my chair, stared at the page and muttered OMG. Just OMFG. I didn’t even have to click on any links, as I told him when I told him what to Google. Why wasn’t I warned of this possibility, damn it?! I’m tired of having to learn things the hard way and figure things out on my own. Don’t get me wrong, though. The levothyroxine was still a problem, but the D’s were clearly making it worse. I think they all fed off of each other and it was like throwing fuel on a fire.

It’s like going to doctors has made me WORSE instead of better, and that story this girl told me where miscommunication between her doctor and pharmacist caused her to double dose her own thyroid meds doesn’t exactly calm my fears and restore my faith in doctors. There are SO many quacks in the world of doctors these days! Forget about just the cops and the government. But this must be dealt with. I can’t just sit back and do nothing at all as much as I’d like to. If doctors aren’t going to take responsibility and warn us up front of possible side effects then we need to do our own research. If just one or two people have complaints, I wouldn’t put much stock in it, but when you have dozens of people saying the same thing, well, that should pretty much tell you something. I also wonder why there are no warnings on the vitamin bottle.

Lotta things are starting to make sense now that I think of this vitamin D shit, which has been slammed - not placed - in the trash. The way being in the sun too long can make your heart beat too fast is one of them. I did take it not too long before hitting my bike the other day too, and like I said, anxiety alone or overdoing my workout just didn’t seem likely, though I’m not ready to rule that out completely. But other things do add up now. It would explain why my heart wouldn’t always race right after taking the levothyroxine, but later on in the day after taking a D. In Wednesday’s case as well as today’s, though, I’d say it definitely wasn’t anxiety that got my heart racing, but the vitamin D that got it racing which in turn caused me to feel anxious. Again, I didn’t have such “heart attacks” to this degree when my life was a mess, so why would I suddenly be hit with such intense and extreme fits of pure anxiety when life is better? I was in a fine mood, the weather was gorgeous, I wasn’t overdoing my workout, etc.

Now, unless I start getting these heart racers with absolutely nothing at all, I’m afraid to take anything at all! :( It seems I just can’t take anything without side effects. I would get a racy heart at times in my 20s and I wonder just how much of it was anxiety vs. the side effects from the asthma medication I used to take. It’s just that it wasn’t so damn terrifying then, nor did it usually go beyond just a racy heart. I think the levothyroxine and the D’s were responsible for the racing heart, though the levothyroxine was mostly responsible for the negative emotions, the upset stomach and other anxiety symptoms like the throat lump. It’s like the drugs took what was always a case of borderline but manageable anxiety and turned it into the anxiety from hell. Give a plant some water and it will grow.

I’m afraid to even eat just yet but I have 30 extra pounds of fat my body can feed off of, so I’m not going to starve. I did make some tea, though. I figured that’d be good for starters till I let a few more hours pass by after taking the vitamin. It’s kinda ridiculous, when you think about it, to give me 250% of vitamin D when I get 100% (and they knew this) from the chewable ones, and am spending more time in the sun. In fact, if I’ve read the labels right, they had me on a total of 400%. Who the hell needs 400%?! Were they trying to kill me?

It’s just nice to know God may not have stolen my joy of bike riding after all if it was the vitamin D causing the racers and not me overdoing it. I just worry something up there is out to slowly torture me to death! Really, I miss the old healthy me! I’d get things that were annoying, but familiar. Frustrating but not terrifying. Now I feel all these things I never felt before and some of which I have, but even those things are scary, too.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2014
Yesterday my heart took me on another fast and furious ride that was utterly terrifying and totally unexpected. Since about 4 or 5 days after quitting the levothyroxine, my heart has been fine. A little racy at times, but nothing too maddening.

Just after 9am yesterday I took the bike out for my daily 2-mile run around the perimeters. I didn’t think I was going that fast. I was a bit warm perhaps, wishing I’d worn a tank and shorts instead of my long athletic pants and a tee, but sure enough, my heart starts beating its ass off toward the end of my route. I briefly considered stopping but didn’t want to just stand there in the glaring sunlight waiting for what may get worse. I was close to home anyway and wanted to be able to lie down in bed and have access to my phone. I usually bring my smartphone, set it to play music, then place it in my bike basket. It was dead, however, so I left it at home in the charger.

So I got home and found my heart doing close to 160. I tried not to panic, but it seemed like relaxing wasn’t getting it to slow down. I was going from alarmed to terrified. I popped a chill pill and left Tom a message. He told me to let him know if I wanted him to come home. I told him no, my heart was now slowing down to the 120s. I had none of the anxiety symptoms I had on the medication; just the racing heart. I didn’t feel like I was suffocating or like I had a lump in my throat, and there were no negative emotions other than the fear of what was going on at the moment.

But right after I told him not to come home, the fucker beats its way back up into the 130s. This turned my anxiety up a notch and at that point I told him to come home.

Nearly a half-hour later he was home and I was lying in bed with what I’m guessing was now a pulse of a little over 100. He got the monitor and confirmed that but then it started climbing again about 5 minutes later. Fortunately, it only did so for a few seconds before dropping to its usual range in the 90s. Eventually, it probably dropped to the 80s. The ordeal left me feeling dizzy and drained. I even woke up down two whole pounds because I was too shaken up to eat as much. All the while I kept asking myself, why, why, why??? I wasn’t on any medication, so why did it happen???

Tom and Tammy have two different theories, and while I agree with most of what Tammy says having been a medical assistant and all that, I think Tom is most likely right in this case unless my heart ever decides to start taking off on a mad run while I’m just sitting around doing nothing. And yes, that is a fear I now have, though not a huge one. I don’t mean a spree of 120-something, I mean over 150. I don’t care that our research says it’s not life-threatening without a previous history of heart problems; it’s downright terrifying as hell just the same! I’d rather have a ton of noise all day long to bitch about than to go through such physical terror. Just what the hell has the bastard above got against my heart these days anyway? I swear I feel like I’ve just GOT to be picked on no matter what. If I’m not dirt poor at the moment, why not scare the shit out of me instead then? Once I felt better physically, my mind began to worry about God using me to get Tom to lose his job. God would punish us both for my problems, too. Let’s hope He has a heart – whether His races or not – and spares us the bullshit. Especially after all the hardships we’ve endured in the past. Really, God, if you hate me that much, just kill me or leave me alone.

Tammy’s theory is that it’s my thyroid doing this to me and that once I’m on the proper medication that’s right for me, I’ll be ok. The reason this one’s hard to swallow is that for my heart to take off like that would be more appropriate for those with hyperthyroidism and not hypothyroidism. Also, it did this when I was on the meds. I realized that had I been on just 1 tiny little mcg of the stuff at the time I’d have blamed it on the meds entirely. She said, though, that I wasn’t on the medication long enough to correct the thyroid.

Tom’s theory is I overdid my workout, 160 won’t kill me, it takes a good half hour or so to get it back down to normal, and my taking a chill pill only delayed this. He thinks that’s why it started coming back up; because it needed to beat faster for a while. He said my heart won’t beat faster than its max heart rate and if it beats like that it’s for a reason that’s necessary, like to pump blood and oxygen to the muscles I worked out. He also said that many of those who work out actually want to hit the 160s, and I probably have come up that high many times in the past but didn’t freak out about it since I’d never had the negative effects of the levothyroxine to remember. Well, I sure wouldn’t mind deleting July 9th through yesterday from my brain! He’s right, though. I probably have hit those levels but just didn’t have the monitor to tell me what the numbers were. A part of me wishes we’d never gotten the damn thing. Ignorance really is bliss at times. How I feel at times is bad enough without the numbers rubbing it in. As he also reminded me, heart attacks are where your heart slows down and can’t beat fast enough, not race like hell.

I do remember a time back in high school, before the state got me, running around the track. I felt like my heart was going to explode afterward and almost like I might be sick, too. I don’t remember throwing up or anything, but my pulse was rather scary. I had to remain still and it seemed to take a while to slow down. It is still easier to overdo it on a bike than on foot. No doubt about that. On foot, it’s easier to pace ourselves, but when riding a bike uphill, it’s tough whether we’re riding fast or slow. I don’t remember this happening when biking up hills in Oregon, though.

Imagine a square-shaped piece of cloth and consider it our park. Now lift a corner of that cloth. Well, we’re up on that lifted corner. From any point in the park heading in the direction of our house, it’s an uphill slope all the way with very few level spots. It’s fairly level for walking and driving, but for bikes, there’s no avoiding the hills to get back to the house. The first mile of my ride is mostly downhill, fun and fairly easy, but I gotta come uphill to get home for the last part.

Just as I was feeling the best ever since last July, this shit had to happen, normal reaction to overdoing it or not. I was beginning to think I’d never need another chill pill again.

I do agree that it’s highly unlikely anything’s wrong with my heart since enough people have listened to it this year, and I doubt I have anxiety even worse than BOTH the good doc and I imagined because nothing made me anxious other than the event itself. Nothing startled me along the way. No turkeys jumped out at me, no people, no traffic, no nothing. It still seems a bit strange when you’re in as good of shape as I’m in. I’m fat, but I’m still fit, so I feel like it shouldn’t have happened, “normal” or not. Yes, the uphill ride is strenuous as hell on a Cruiser, but then why don’t I have this happen every time I ride? What was different about yesterday? Again, I didn’t think I was overdoing it in any way, but you can bet your ass I ain’t going anywhere today. Today I’m going to sit on my ass reading and writing. No cleaning, no laundry, and definitely no exercising. I’m just running a load of dishes through the dishwasher and dumping the recyclables.

Tom just left for work reminding me that the numbers mean nothing whether it’s 80 or 130 and that my heart will beat as it needs to. It’s if it stops beating or I go unconscious that something went wrong. I get what he’s saying, though a rapid heartbeat for no reason at all would still scare the shit outa me. Even though I don’t expect my heart to go crazy for the first time ever with no workouts or medication, I’ll be sending Tom regular reports at work throughout the day letting him know how I’m doing. I can tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I have really come to hate hearts! I wish I could yank it outa my chest and put it on the table until Tom comes home. I’d be heartless when he was absent, LOL.

There’s no way in hell I’m getting back on that bike, and if I ever do it’s not going to be by myself. Since I’ll never lose much weight on or off medication because I can’t stand the hunger diets bring, all I need to do is maintain the shape I’m currently in. All that takes is a few minutes of cardio, plus an arm and ab workout. I’ll either walk/jog on my treadmill or around the circle if I want fresh air, and that’s it. A mile is enough, too. No need to go over two miles by going around perimeters. Tom thinks working out every other day is better than every day. I may do some exercise vids or the Wii Fitness thing, too. I’ll mix it up so I don’t get too bored so easily, but damn am I going to miss my bike. Thanks, God, for taking yet another pleasure from my life.

I heard movement from next door’s garage on and off yesterday, of course, but no saws, hammers or landscaping frenzies. Saw Mr. White Shirt fold up the table and lean it against the garage wall before pulling the SUV in. I’m sure they’ll have something going on over there today, but I’d rather listen to all kinds of shit than go through yesterday’s scare.

Later…

I keep forgetting to ask Andy if he remembers a woman named Gail and a little boy named Benji from the beach we spent our summers at as kids in Old Lyme, Connecticut, the boy being a few years younger than I was.

I have a vague and quick recollection of them being in the corner cottage that Charlotte and Jim eventually bought. My sister and I were going to go out somewhere with Gail and Benji. Gail was probably in her late teens to early 20s at the time, but I don’t think she was Benji’s mother. Maybe related, though, but I don’t know. Anyway, they were in a bedroom with the door closed while Tammy and I sat out in the living room. I remember Gail yelling at the kid and the kid crying. Back then I was just a naive kid myself, but as an adult looking back on it, I’d say she was probably beating the shit out of the kid.

Without saying much about it, they came out of the bedroom and we all went to a mall of some kind. Tammy and I must’ve split up from her and Benji at one point cuz we went into the bathroom to find Gail naked from the waist down. She said, “Oh, Tammy, thank God it’s you,” as she rinsed her panties in the sink saying she’d had the runs.

I asked Tammy about it a few months ago and she says she has no recollection of these people. Wonder if Andy does? We’ll soon see.

Viagraville stayed quiet till 8:40 and then Bob, who seems to literally live in his garage every other day, started in with the bike air pump. The bike I never even see him riding anymore. It started again, overriding my rainstorm video a short while later and that’s when I said, Ok, that’s it. I’m moving my Mac into the laundry room with its built-in desk on the other side of the house from next door. I’ve had it with the loud power tools and machinery. I appreciate that they’ve been here since 1988 and that he’s just a bored, old man who’s restless, but I have rights, too. I’m sick of hearing them nearly every single fucking day. I wish they’d go back to coming and going like crazy. Instead, they’re home more often and in that garage. They have a beautiful patio in front, the weather is now perfect for hanging out there, yet he would rather hang out and make a racket in his garage. I shouldn’t have to sit here with my sound vids to near-deafening levels to drown out an 80-something man in a retirement community. If this shit keeps up I’m going to have to say something. I doubt it’ll do me any good, knowing how most people are, but I’m really getting fed up. I gave him a dose of Aerosmith for a while. Oh, wait. He’s deaf. That’s what Virginia told me anyway, though anytime I’ve talked with him he’s never seemed to have any trouble hearing me.

Actually, he just left. Good. Hopefully, he won’t come back in an hour or two to play saw and hammer. Thought I’d hear a lot of landscaping today, but nope. Bob’s been the only annoyance so far, but it’s not even noon yet and it’s only 75° out. I should walk around the circle a few times for some sun, color and fresh air, but nope. I really should take a whole day off after yesterday’s scare, normal reaction to a kick-ass workout or not.

Still liking the idea of moving my computer into the laundry room. Well, I both do and don’t like it. We could use the desk in the living room for our Wii stuff and other stuff like our laser printer. It’d be a bit of a hassle, but hopefully worth it in the end… until the old lady on that side who never goes anywhere and rarely has company decides it’s time to start getting out more and having more guests over, too.

Later…

Sitting here realizing how smart it would be not to bother sending Hot Doc a friend request. I just know God’s waiting to make sure she doesn’t accept it or doesn’t even get it if He suspects there’s a chance she might accept it. Hotties aren’t allowed in my life unless I’ve never met them.

The question is if I do send her a friend invite, when and how should I go about it. I contemplated sending a message on MyHealth that said, “On the record: Had to get doctors closer to home. Off the record: Please check your Facebook account when you can.

But I don’t want to contact her on MyHealth and have that be a part of my health record, especially before the records are transferred to Mercy.

So should I contact her after Tom contacts Sutter? After I cancel the appointment online and put that as a reason for the cancelation instead of in a message? I probably shouldn’t do that cuz I don’t know that she personally sees my reasons for canceling like she’d see any message I left her.

Maybe I should just send nothing but the friend invite. The question is… when? I certainly can’t do it while she thinks I’m still her patient.

I think for now I’ll just wait till the records have been requested.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2014
I got the pumice stones Andy sent to help clean water stains in our toilet bowls, I amazingly have a doctor’s appointment, and my rats are butt fucking. LOL, looks that way, anyway. As any rat behavior research will tell you, when the opposite sex isn’t available, the same sex will do. At least they can’t knock each other up. :)

It’s official. Tom will be seeing a male Arabian doctor next week and I will be seeing a female Ecuadorian doctor next month. We’re thinking I can get into the specialist in mid-December. Tom thinks it will be good for me to have another month to continue recovering and not have to worry about it. Also, I don’t want to start medication while Andy’s visiting and have to worry about the potential side effects when trying to enjoy his visit. As Tom also points out, this way it will be closer to the New Year since I don’t like that there is a 4 in this year. 4 has always seemed to be a very unlucky number for me, and other than our trip to Hawaii and being in good financial standing, this year sure has had its rough spots. Having side effects so bad you think you accidentally OD’d and may die is no fun at all.

Although I’ll miss Doc C, I will not miss Sutter at all! They are not only disorganized, incompetent idiots, they took me, a healthy woman who was fit for her age, not overly fat, with a minor condition that should be medicated but isn’t presently critical, and left me basically unmonitored while I suffered inhumane side effects and was told to keep taking the shit that was causing them, and then to see a shrink so I could “deal” with the anxiety that the meds were 95% responsible for.

The one thing no one can take away, unfortunately, is the horrible memories of those panic-filled moments of fight or flee the shit sent my mind and body into. I felt like I was going to die at times! I still can’t believe how one can have a 99% oxygen reading yet STILL feel like they’re about to suffocate to death. It was the absolute worst feeling I ever experienced along with the booming heart that would suddenly occur while I was just sitting there with nothing bad on my mind at all.

Don’t get me wrong, though. Going back to the doctors and back on meds is still a scary thought after what happened. Doc C was right about some of the anxiety coming from me (we just didn’t want me being doped up or getting addicted to happy pills). But I will hopefully get over my fears and phobias in time just like I did with the dentist after the county quack I saw when we were broke turned pulling that molar into a nightmare. Before that, having teeth pulled wasn’t a big deal for me. I’d had all 4 wisdoms pulled and an impacted baby tooth. Braces were a bit rough, but still nothing like Mr. County Quack.

Later…

I don’t know what shocks me more, how well the pumice works that Andy sent, or how something so rough could fail to scratch the bowls up to holy hell and back! I so do appreciate him sending them! I thought it would take forfuckingever to get the stains off - IF it really worked - but nope. Took no time at all to do both toilets, though I’ll admit I’m not striving for total perfection with these ancient bowls since we’re going to replace them at some point.

I’m enjoying the peace until next door, along with the park workers, come to steal it away for the day. Yesterday sucked. Next door had a carpet cleaning company here that was insanely loud. It went on for about 45 minutes.

Enough of their loud services already! If it isn’t them making the racket, they’re hiring people to do it for them.

I guess Virginia only wears the same color, too. Where Bob wears only white shirts, she wears only pink. Nothing wrong with that, of course, it’s just a little odd to see someone wearing the same thing every time you see them.

What was strange was that the SUV stayed here while the carpet was being done. I’m guessing someone picked them up or they hung out with someone at the park. If they’re back into their usual routine, the first trip out will occur by 8:30. The garage door is closed, but I’m guessing that’s cuz of all the stuff they’ve got in there right now. I just hope they’re not living it up out there today (along with anyone else) in ways that override my sound machine. The thing was certainly useless against that carpet cleaner as well as that tree service!

Also yesterday, the park landscapers seemed to be doing the same damn areas over and over again. You’d never believe you were in a retirement community! For about 5 hours it was one distraction after another.

Nane’s back, but probably wishes she wasn’t. Kein mehr Sonne und Meer für ihre, LOL.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2014
Poor Aly needs dentures due to her “own laziness,” as she puts it. Huh? Didn’t she brush daily? Or did she just not take care of cavities regularly? Still, it once again makes you wonder just what kind of God, if any, sits up in the sky when people like her need dentures while Molly’s worst problem is not being able to let go of a guy in Iowa who abused her and is now stalking her.

Who is the winner of this year’s Blog Cabin?! Not me. You would think that with my entry being one of many millions I wouldn’t bother entering in the first place. After all, my odds of winning aren’t much better than if I’d never entered at all.

As I sit here listening to the distant freeway traffic, one of the few sounds penetrating these walls that I actually don’t find annoying, I find myself amazed that there is so much traffic on a weekday at nearly 3am. I know this is Cali, but where could so many people have to go in the wee hours of a Tuesday morning?

Bob never ended up pulling a power tool party on me yesterday. At one point around noon, I looked out the front door and saw a bunch of books sitting on the table he’d set up. Maybe they were just clearing old clutter out of the house or something. I just hope it’s peaceful today with the exception of the landscapers that always hit the house across from us on Tuesdays.

After posting 3 entries in less than 2 hours, I’d say this is it for now. :)

Later…

One of the benefits of being a lead or whatever you want to call it at work, is that Tom gets to play by his own rules. Money is not needed now, but it’s always wanted. Always. We’re only human and nearly $25 an hour is hard to pass up. But after 9 hours and 45 minutes of work, he said, “Ok, I’m outa here.” The owners wouldn’t care if he worked all through the night, even if it would cost them a fortune! 10 hours is too much, though, and unless we’re ever desperate for money again, he’s not going to work that long. 9 or a little more is ok some days, but that’s it.

Those damn skunks are everywhere at this time of year! I love riding in the middle of the night when there are no people, turkeys or vehicles in my way. Gotta watch out for those skunks, though. One ran across the road and into our carport as I was looping around the circle and heading for the outskirts of the park. I almost doubled back to pound on the front door (Tom was up), but realized it would probably have moved on by the time I got back, and it did.

There goes the oxygen walker. Oh, the things I see from these windows. I’d still prefer to see just an ocean or mountains or woods, but what I do see is hard to miss with all these big windows.

I’m amazed that the SUV hasn’t budged yet next door and their garage door is still closed, too. A service van pulled up a short while ago, but I don’t know what’s going on. This is so not like them. I know their routine - lights on by 5am, garage door open by his 6:00 walk, first trip out by 8:30. The back of the van is open now and I see a big blue hose on a reel, but still don’t know what it’s for. Carpet cleaning? Still doesn’t explain the garage door still being shut, though.

Now I hear something loud and obnoxious running from the van. sighs I still can’t believe how much noise can be heard in a retirement park. Aren’t they due to go on vacation soon?

MONDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2014
Had a dream Andy mentioned having psoriasis, and that I was either being kicked off of or denied disability benefits. The guy interviewing me (while Tom sat next to me) was going on and on about shit like how it was hard to get off of disability, but I was the only reason I wasn’t working. Some shit about mistakes made in the womb too, and then about God’s supposed love and understanding for all of us.

rolls eyes The one that’s made sure to have me denied my rightful benefits? Let’s not forget that no one has ever paid for a single thing done wrong to me in life either.

Tom read that the third leading cause of death in the US is caused by doctors screwing up. This doesn’t help me get over my trust issues where they’re concerned. I guess in CA they want to pass a law requiring them to get tested for drugs and alcohol. Only I don’t think all their errors are from drugs and alcohol, I think it’s also from stupidity and carelessness.

After a fun, peaceful and relaxing Sunday, I’m hoping to have an anxiety-free day today. A Bob-free day would be nice, too. Really hope I don’t have to listen to him sawing and hammering on and off for hours. I know most people don’t mind, but to me it’s highly annoying.

Andy’s already been woken up by his new neighbors hammering, but as he said, this is to be expected when they’re just getting settled in. It’s in a few months from now I’d worry about. I don’t know why, but even my worst of neighbors have started off quiet. Then it seems they think all hell should break loose after 6 months to a year.

I’d rather hear them slam vehicle doors next door. That’s annoying too, but it doesn’t go on and on. It’s a weekday, though, so they’ll come and go plenty. Love it when they BOTH go out, even if they’re not usually gone more than an hour or two. Actually, I don’t mind it when Virginia stays back because she’s never noisy. It’s him that’s the problem. Unfortunately, though, most of the time I see the SUV pull out, it’s just her.

Alison’s going to leave a VM once AT&T (oh, don’t we remember them and their shit well) takes care of her phone issues. She warned me she sounded nasal. So do I. I also sound like a lesbian, LOL.

Later…

Got a little cactus plant and another lucky bamboo plant last Sunday. The bamboo is in a gorgeous shiny vase of little silver squares. I almost got a palm, but said nah. Those would be more work than I care to put into plants. We have enough living outdoors as it is. I have 3 fake palms in here anyway.

It deeply saddens and angers me to learn a British man got just 4 years in prison for killing his friend when I got 6 months’ county time and 2 years of probation for a letter I didn’t write before being vindicated. It may be better than the Middle East and African countries where they’ll kill you just for being gay or just for what you believe, but really… is human life that meaningless to the British? And is what one says (or is at least accused of saying) really that much more important than what they do?

It also burns me up when blacks and whites alike try to say there’s “no such thing” as blacks discriminating against whites when I’m living proof that that’s utter bullshit. It isn’t just me either. This has been happening since the L.A. Riots, only you never hear about it like you do when blacks get shit on. Or at least claim they do. This is part of why I’m not spending much time on Facebook lately. I’m tired of hearing about only SOME cases as if it’s still the huge problem it was 50 years ago and no one else ever gets shit on.

Later…

Ugh, as soon as I saw next door had pulled the SUV out of the garage and a table with a good-sized stereo set up just inside of it, I threw the sound machines on. I know damn well the sawing and hammering are to come next, and if it doesn’t, whatever it is he’s gearing up to do over there can’t be very quiet. I’m really getting sick of this shit. There are only so many weeks of it I can take before the fact that they’ve been here a helluva lot longer stops mattering to me. I have rights, too. Like the right to live in peace, ESPECIALLY in a retirement community.

Even when he’s not sawing/hammering, the bumps and bangs of his movements are really annoying/distracting and I feel almost like I’m in an apartment. I saw him going to and from the table a little later on, in his signature white T-shirt, as always. Why does he have to do this shit so close to our place? What’s wrong with taking his projects to the other side of his place? I just can’t get a neighbor who either works or is too lazy to do much more than sit inside in front of the TV. I just can’t.

I realize that if we do go to Florida when he retires, we may as well get a condo or an apartment so we don’t have to be responsible for yard work or roofing or anything like that if we’re going to hear our neighbors anyway. What difference does it make if we can hear their TV vs. their circular saw? Or their vehicle doors slamming vs. their entry doors slamming as they came and went?

Why can’t I be one of those who thrives on noise? Most people actually don’t mind or even enjoy hearing those around them, so why can’t I? Why can’t I consider it the “sounds of life,” too? So many people love to hear their neighbors because it makes them feel less alone in the world. I wish I could see it that way too, but if I did then I suppose I would only hate the nighttime and those few days when someone around here isn’t doing something or another I have to hear about.

Later…

So I was chatting with Andy on Ask as we do every day and mentioned that giving up my weekend treats would be like giving up a dear friend. How many of those do I have? he asked. LOL, I think he forgets that just because most of those I’m closest to aren’t local doesn’t make them any less special to me. I will admit, though, that most of those I’m close to who aren’t family are people I’ve never met. This is mostly because it’s so much easier to meet people online than in person. How many places do I go in person vs. websites online? Since most of the sites I frequent are social/writing sites, that makes it even easier to strike up a conversation with someone about whatever, realize you have things in common, then end up cyber buddies.

Although I never met Aly, Christine, Nane, Adonis, Mitch and some folks from the writing sites, they’re still special to me just like Andy, Paula, Jessie, my VH sisters, Eileen, and a few others I haven’t seen in centuries that I knew back east.

The one person I kept in touch with from Arizona blew it with her trust issues. While I totally understood why she had such serious trust issues since her life was a million times worse than mine, she’s the type that thinks everybody’s lying, and well, understanding something doesn’t always make it easier to deal with. The false accusations were driving me crazy, not to mention how highly offensive they were, and she eventually lost me when I got tired of defending and explaining myself to her.

As for Oregon… I wasn’t there long enough to really get to know anyone, though there were two women and one guy I’d consider “almost” friends. One I can’t find on Facebook, the other two I never knew their last names, unfortunately, because I’d love to look them up. I was heavy into sweeping (and winning) in those days, so I spent half my time entering sweeps and the other half freezing my ass off, haha. But Jane the waitress, Liz the cashier, and Randy the mailman were the highlights of Oregon. So was Jan the gift shop owner that used to sell me incense till she traded brick and mortar for cyberspace.

Our first 8 months in Cali were spent in an extended-stay hotel and while we became friends with the staff there, that didn’t carry over into our post-hotel stay. It wasn’t easy to meet people during the 5 years we lived in the woods either, though we’ve met some people since being here in the park that I either wave to or briefly chat with when I’m out exercising. No one we’ve grown close to yet with our busy lives, but friends are both important and not important to me. Meaning that if we acquire any good ones, fine. If we don’t, that’s fine, too. I believe most of the best things in life aren’t planned and I think that looking for friends doesn’t usually work any more than looking for love does.

I don’t want friends just for the sake of having friends. I want special friends, and no, that doesn’t mean you have to be a hottie. I mean friends who are very important to me and that I’d find hard to imagine not having in my life, no matter what they may look like. Anyone can go out and “make” friends. But in order to qualify for a chance to be my friend, no matter where you live, you gotta really have something about you that hooks my interest because I am that picky. I’m hard to impress. Easy to lose, since I tend not to be a very forgiving person or one with a high tolerance to bullshit any more than to physical pain, but I’m hard to capture as well. I’ll be friends with any gender, size, color or nationality, but not just any person. If I’m meant to be close to anyone local, it will be by accident and not something I plan. I never “looked” for my past friends, be it those I’ve met in person or online, so why start now?

For a work-at-home person who likes to keep busy, I don’t interact with many people and that, like most things, has its pros cuz it spares me from any potential bullshit. But again, my door isn’t closed to the possibility, so we’ll see what the future holds. In a way, I’m surprised I never struck up a friendship with someone in cyberspace from my area. Cali’s a big state and it sure as hell is plenty populated, too. Still, you better have something damn near amazing about you to stand a chance or else you could live right under my nose in Bob’s garage for all I care. :)

Later…

Speaking of friends I’m close to as mentioned in my previous entry, I can’t believe I’ll be seeing Andy in less than two months! :))) We’ll be heavier, blinder, older and grayer, but I don’t give a shit. I just want to throw my arms around him and hug the guy for the first time since 1999!

In one of the surveys I did, I was asked if I thought those who committed 3 felonies should be imprisoned for life regardless of what the felonies were.

Definitely not. First of all. some states like Arizona and Texas consider damn near everything a felony. Secondly, I think only violent people should be jailed/imprisoned and the rest should do probation. People stand to lose too much when put in jail… jobs, kids, homes. Probation is punishment enough for the non-violent offenders, and hardcore punishment has only proven not to be a very effective deterrent anyway. People are going to break the law no matter what the penalties may be because they don’t “plan” to get caught.

I think rapists, however, should be jailed for life after the first offense. You can’t rehabilitate a rapist. I also think violence should be jailed for life after one offense, too. I don’t mean a slap in the face; I mean someone who’s drawn blood, broken bones, etc. So… throw the violent folks away for life after just one – maybe two – offenses, and let the rest do probation.

I kept waiting for one of my nails to break at which time I would have cut the rest of them, but they just didn’t want to break. Finally fed up with them getting in the way of things, I cut them off yesterday morning.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2014
Woke up a bit on the anxious side, but after talking with Tom I felt better. Again the uncertainty of who to see and whether or not they’d be very helpful to me was eating at me, as well as the question of whether or not I could ever get up the guts to take medication again.

“You’re already getting there and have made tremendous progress,” Tom said. “You can take your vitamins again and pain pills. You got over what that dentist did to you a few years ago and now you’re fine. You’ll do the same with this.”

Forgot about that county quack who pulled one of my infected and dying molars. He really made it quite a nightmare, but then things got better for us financially and I got a dentist that does a great job and is a real sweetheart. Very compassionate and caring. The county guy was insensitive and impatient.

“You were fine in December,” Tom added, “then you got worse. Sutter’s been horrible. You never used to even mention anxiety and now they’ve put these suggestions in your head, not that I’m going to stop you if you ever decide you truly do want to see a therapist or a psychiatrist.”

Sutter has been horrible. Not just in giving me medication that caused horrible side effects, but by the lack of follow-ups, monitoring, and utter lack of ease in getting appointments.

I think I was blinded by Doc C’s beauty. As Tom said, she may be great for some people, but she hasn’t been very helpful to me. She’s helped with my female issues, she’s helped with my ingrown toenail, but not so much with other issues. I’m sure she believes she’s done all she can as a PCP and not a specialist, and that referring me to those she’s referred me to was the right thing to do, and I’m not saying it wasn’t. I’m just saying she’s highly misunderstood me. At least that’s the impression I got. I don’t think she realizes just how much the levothyroxine fucked me up. I also wonder if my having to mention the TD put false ideas in her head. It’s not my fault I was misdiagnosed as a teen, but she wouldn’t know this and I understand that much.

Still, we shouldn’t have had to play phone tag with my old endo all day like we did, and then be told to come in that day or wait till December.

Just like being legally screwed shot my trust in the legal system, dealing with fucked up doctors here and there has put a damper on my trust in them as well. I realize, though, that as they say, we all gotta trust somebody sooner or later. Letting myself believe they’re all bad news isn’t going to help, but it’s going to take time to get over this just like it took time to get over the dental trust issues.

So here’s the current plan. We’re going to go ahead and have Tom see this male internal medicine doctor on the 13th with another medical group as we discussed earlier. Meanwhile, he’s going to call around some more for a female primary/internal med doc for me. If he can’t get me an appointment with one, and if he likes the doctor he’s going to see, then I’ll see him, too. Male docs are a lot easier to get appointments with, especially if they’re not American.

If Tom says he sucks… I don’t even want to think of that right now!

Tom’s going to stop the thyroid supplements so as not to deceive the blood work in any way. If there really is a deficiency, he’d like it to show up with accuracy.

I asked Tom if we should shut down Sutter, but he said we didn’t have to do anything right now. They didn’t help us, so we don’t owe them any special favors. We’ll just worry about ourselves. Meaning that we’ll cancel the December appointment early enough not to get charged for not showing up for it.

We set up VM on my smartphone and I sent a message asking Tammy for the app link to whatever one she used to set up VM in Facebook messaging. My MagicCrap expires in 10 days, so I gave Tammy, Andy and Aly my smartphone number.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2014
Today I have been smoke-free for 17 years!!! This day also brings back bad memories as well. In 2007, this was the start of a week-long financial nightmare when we were stuck in a Sacramento hotel and my first taste of real poverty. It was also the first time I really feared for my survival in a serious way.

No call back from the doctor. What, am I not sick enough to be her patient? This is getting ridiculous. Just fucking ridiculous. Not sure what we’re going to do next. I’ll discuss that later with Tom.

For now, I’ve been managing to go without happy pills. As Tom pointed out, it’s best to let my body learn to cope with the anxiety. As much as I’ve had a few moments where I’m tempted to run and take them, I know that will only prolong the anxiety and be too much like depending on alcohol. If our lives were shitty, then I could see taking the pills. But if our worst problems are doctor hassles and hoping I don’t suffer serious side effects the next time I’m on medication, then I don’t think I should be running for happy pills.

Was out riding at midnight and saw a skunk on Oak. It was walking away from me, toward the outer side of the road. I swerved to the middle of the road and it turned and faced me once it got onto the grass and stuck its tail up straight. Again, it’s less scary to encounter these things on wheels than on foot.

Had a dream Tom was having a tooth pulled. He’d be as scared as I would be to have eye surgery!

I worry more about his low pulse and high BP than his teeth.

Later…

Got this VERY poorly written message from Tammy after asking if the girls got an apartment yet saying: No they are both with their grandfather. There Aunt through Sarah out, not by talking to Sarah but by calling their dad who is angry with her, then went to their 93 year old grandfather. Then she lies to them. She is the same miserable person she has always been.

Wow, just wow. This has to mean something’s either very wrong with the aunt, or Sarah did something pretty bad in order to get thrown out by her own aunt. Not sure I get the part where she says “their dad who is angry with her.” Angry at the aunt or at Sarah? Still, that tells me something about Sarah - and yes, I admit I’m just guessing - that Sarah’s temper probably scared her aunt and that’s why her aunt went to her father about kicking her out and not her.

I personally would feel uncomfortable at the idea of them spending any length of time here, not just because they’re young and immature, but also because they have always seemed very moody, angry and vindictive. They’ve bragged on their walls before about how fun it is to get revenge on people. And whom do you suppose they got that from? I wouldn’t hesitate to dump Tammy (or anyone else) that was detrimental or toxic to my life and well-being in any way, but I really hope it doesn’t come to that. Not just because no one wants that in the first place, but because she will make my online life hell and make Kim and Molly seem like nothing, and will enlist the aid of her daughters, too.

Later…

LOL, Maryann got my message and blocked me.

Doc Hottie added her 320th friend at 9:30 last night and still appears not to have read my message to her. I might’ve accidentally gotten my message to Maryann sent to her inbox as opposed to her other box by friending her first, then deciding to cancel the request and just send a message instead. Initially, I thought her accepting a friend request would be the only way to get a message to her, but I know it doesn’t always work that way and I have no desire to be her friend.

There are 5 possibilities where the doc’s concerned.

1. The message never went through.

2. The message did go through but she hasn’t checked her other box.

3. The message went through, she read it, didn’t respond, and the message is failing to show up as read.

4. She read it and then marked it as unread.

5. She read it and sent a reply I never got.

I’d say the first two are the most likely, especially #1. Again, getting too close to the hotties is a “no-no” for me in God’s eyes. Well, then why the fuck did He make me attracted to some women in the first place? As a tease? Let me guess… when I eventually send her a friend request that’ll go unnoticed too, right? Don’t know how else to get a hold of her if that’s the case, but again, we can’t make be what isn’t meant to be. If something up there is going to block contact, there’s nothing I can do about it. I don’t know the reasons why certain things are or aren’t meant to be, but it definitely seems like some things really are/aren’t. Oh well. Time will tell for sure.

This doc isn’t 100% written off yet, though. I still may see her in December if I can’t get another primary I’m satisfied with before then. I highly doubt I’ll ever see her again any more than I think I’ll be able to contact her online (sad considering that some people can’t avoid being contacted by certain people), but if I do I will have to either see a shrink, lie and say I saw one, and then explain why I still haven’t seen an endo or gotten a thyroid ultrasound done yet.

Later…

I know I should just live my life as I see fit and not worry about others, but for some reason – even though Molly hasn’t been a problem for me in a while – it still bugs me that she peeks in on my journal. It isn’t very often anymore, but it still annoys me. We’re not friends and there’s nothing about me that interests her except my connection to Alison.

When I realized how easily she and her mother could find my my-diary account I set it to private.

Mommy Dearest may be out of stalking commission right now with cancer, but I have a feeling it’s just a temporary blip in life and that she’ll be as good as new in a matter of months.

I was surprised to learn from Aly that Molly’s taken some computer classes. So she’s probably learned some of her hunting skills there. What didn’t surprise me was that she’s gone so far as to pay for detailed info on people at some pay sites like Intellius and Spokeo. A stalker would pay for something like that.

Aly also warned me that she clings to phrases when trying to hunt for hidden accounts like when I mention Nane or the fact that I go by Lady Rainbow/Frau Regenbogen.

What I wonder is… is Aly still friends with her? She says she’s not, but she’s said that before. I knew it would take Molly a while to get it (if she really dropped her without telling her so), but this long? Also, I know Molly’s crazy and delusional, but she writes as if they’re still keeping in touch such as by the way she says she’s so glad she can count on her when she’s having a shitty day.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2014
Although they said up front they would try to call by the end of the week, there’s still no call from the doctor and I’m still wondering when I’m going to be seen and how my hypothyroidism is going to be dealt with in a way that won’t kill me. I’m getting closer and closer to just giving up on doctors altogether. The disease hasn’t killed me yet and would take years to do so if it did end up killing me, so maybe I should just live, enjoy, and quit worrying about it. I’m not going to live forever anyway.

Got my new pink camouflage beanie today which will help keep me warm during those cold winter nights I’m out riding, and the flags and flagpoles arrived, too. Only problem is one of the poles is broken. :(

Had to smile when Andy said not to go out riding tonight when he heard that the FBI said there are 50 serial killers roaming around the US looking for victims, and that’s scary. Yeah, it is, but we can’t hide inside forever. They also operate in the daytime when more people are out and about and aren’t likely to consider a gated old people park prime hunting grounds. And why go for the chick in her 40s and weighing in the 140s when you can have the 110-pound teenager or 20-something instead? Aren’t the young and slim still the preferred thing?

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2014
My last round of dreams consisted of me speaking in sign language to someone, though I don’t remember what I said, walking along a beach somewhere and seeing my dead uncle enter a nearby condo, and then I was living with my parents. I think I was visiting them and not actually living with them, but I was trying to sleep in one of the bedrooms when their voices would sometimes get a little loud and keep me awake.

The only other dream I remember was living in a big house in the country somewhere. Tom was on his way to work and said something about running out of gas on the way there and having to stop partway to pour some gas into the tank. Meanwhile, this and maybe something else seemed to be making me nervous because I was walking around with my bottle of lorazepam in my hand.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2014
The older Asian couple moved in next to Andy yesterday. He says they are very likable. Let’s hope they stay that way for his sake. Bob and Virginia are likable too… until one of them breaks out the saw and hammer.

Went for my bike ride after 9pm and froze my ass off until my body warmed up, even though I had a T-shirt on instead of a tank. I should have worn sneakers instead of sandals.

Tom had no luck calling doctors yesterday, but today he had a rather weird experience with a potential female primary care doctor when he called her office. He was asked to give information about me. Meanwhile, the doctor will get back to us by the end of the week as to whether or not she decides she wants me as a patient. Really? I didn’t know they “decided” that. I know they could dump anyone that might make them really uncomfortable for any reason, but I thought they pretty much took whomever they could fit into their crazy schedules. Tom didn’t mention my levothyroxine side effects cuz he was just so caught off guard by the questions.

Even funnier was that he was told that if she decided to take me, it wouldn’t be till late October. LOL, that’s nothing, he told the nurse, secretary, or whoever it was he talked to. Everyone else (but the male Middle Easterner) can’t see me till between December and May.

Meanwhile, Tom’s going to see if he can see Mr. Mideast instead. It’s been years since he’s had a check-up, something I’ve been on his ass to do, especially if he thinks he may have an even worse case of hypothyroidism, high blood pressure, or anything else. I know I couldn’t drag him by the arm and make him see anyone, so it’s a relief to know he’s willing to do this on his own. He doesn’t care that the doc’s a guy or that he’s Middle Eastern. I think men in general are far less picky than women when it comes to what doctors they see. I just hope my worst fears are never a reality and that would be him acquiring anything terminal or debilitating. I’d rather be told I had cancer than hear that about him. But if he’s got something that can be fixed or helped, it would be nice to know.

For now, Doc Hottie is still on standby until and if any changes are official and definite. Oh, how I’m going to miss her! I really hope she accepts the Facebook friend request I plan to send once she’s no longer officially my doctor. According to the current code of ethics I read, it used to be a no-no to either date or befriend former patients, but now it’s acceptable. So it will be up to her and her own personal choice whether to accept or deny the request.

The “lump” in my throat is mostly gone, but yesterday I was getting random subtle waves of an anxious-like feeling in my throat and the top of my head if that makes any sense at all. Today’s been fine, though I think I need to bring it up less often when I do feel it. It seems to really frustrate Tom at times. Before work yesterday he threw his hands up and was like, “So what do you want to do?”

I don’t know what to do, I told him, or else I’d be doing it!

---

Last updated August 24, 2024