April 2014 in 2010s

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 30, 2014
Kyla’s Secret was officially declared a winner just before midnight at 50,170 words! Between that and our new 2003 Cadillac Seville, life is good. :) Wish I could stay up and write more details about the Caddy, but I’m beat. I slept horribly yesterday. Don’t know why, but I kept waking up constantly. Don’t remember much in the way of dreams other than a spider on the wall and an ant trail on the floor. Maybe I was just a bit wound up cuz now that I finished the lower dosages of my medication, I started the 75 mcg of levothyroxine and worried about possible side effects like a racy heart, but I was fine.

For now, I will just say it saddens me that despite how mean and horrible the racist comment was made by the old Clipper’s coach, how can we call ourselves The Land of the Free when we can sue someone for words? Don’t actions speak louder than words. Words may be cruel, false and unfair, but my God! Words are still just words and words don’t mean shit without the actions to back them up. You know, sort of like telling someone you’re going to slap them vs. actually doing it?

Not only is it a shame that we can be sued for the words we say, but once again, here’s another classic case of those shitty dual standards we love to have seeing that the black guy who said oughta have an all-black league never got sued for his own racist comment. It’s pretty sad, that not only do we not have the freedom to express ourselves just because others may not want to hear it, but that if you’re black it’s ok to spew all the hate you want. Then people like me who are sick of the unfairness are automatically labeled “racist.”

I’m not going to apologize or feel ashamed or guilty for my own beliefs and opinions either. I don’t care if they’re in the “norm” or not. They are what they are. Period. :)

Later…

Went for my first ride in our new 2003 Cadillac Seville that looks brand spanking new, and wow! Just WOW! I know that most newer cars from 2005 on up have the same bells and whistles since they started implementing most luxury features in new vehicles, but after years and years of driving old shit, just the power windows/locks and a working AC is sheer luxury to us! As I told Tom before we got this car, we no longer live like bums, but we still drive like bums (even though he drives and I ride), LOL. But now we have a car that goes with this park. I still cannot believe we live in a beautiful home in a luxury park and own a luxury car! The only thing I don’t like about my new posh existence is the expenses. The space rent, mortgage and car payments total around $1200 a month. Once the house and car are paid off we’ll save about $500 a month.

The car was 5k and Tom was told by the loan lady that he was actually getting quite a deal on it since it’s worth more like 7k these days. It was 45k brand new. We got it on loan so that we’d still have cash on hand for emergencies. Just because you can pay for things like cars and carpet outright, doesn’t mean you should if you don’t want to drain most of your savings. We’ll pay it off before the 3 years are up, though.

The car isn’t in mint condition but it’s pretty damn close. We need to get the passenger window fixed because the mechanism that drives it up and down doesn’t work. It also needs a chip filled in in the windshield, and a new battery. The Ford has a new deluxe kick-ass battery and he’s going to see if it will fit in this car.

Although I won’t miss the Ford, I gotta admit it was not only very comfortable but was very reliable during the 7 years we’ve had it. It has a lot of little things wrong with it and Tom figured out what the knocking sound is that he’s been hearing when he slows down. He knew it was connected to the breaks, obviously, but I guess it has to do with cylinders and pads rubbing against each other. In February, when it comes time to relicense it, we’ll decide if it’s worth keeping as a backup or not. He has roadside assistance so that if the Caddy does break down they’ll tow it for nothing. There are other “amenities” of sorts and special treatment it gets I guess just for being a luxury car.

Now to go over some of the features, though there are so many I’m sure I’ll forget some. The most important thing is reliability. The cool features are just a bonus. The reason he opted for an older lux car instead of a newer economy car was that then we’d be more likely to get a working AC for the amount we wanted to spend. I hated not having an AC in the summers even though it’s not nearly as unbearable as down in the desert. I also hate how open windows make my hair whip into my face and even my lip gloss.

My parents always had Cadillacs and Lincolns, but the Caddy they had in the 70s looks nothing like this. Theirs was huge and ugly. It was a dull and flat ugly yellowy gold and the back sides kind of stuck up like fins. Might’ve been the El Dorado.

Anyway, the dealership started to piss Tom off that he almost left. They were being pushy with trying to get names and addresses supposedly for credit. Over and over Tom had to tell them “no,” since he didn’t need to worry about his credit because he had a check in his hand to pay for the thing in full. He knew what they really wanted was a mailing list. When he threatened to walk out, they finally shut up. I hate pushy people! Be it those trying to cram religion down my throat or to get me to do/be something I’m not interested in pisses me off almost as much as being lied to. I have close to zero tolerance for those types and will dump them almost as fast as I would a bipolar, delusional nutjob.

Anyway, the speedometer and that area look cool cuz it’s 3D, so the red needle is in front of the green letters and numbers underneath. It can go 140 MPH, though I can’t imagine where you’d drive that fast. It has an alarm, tells you when it’s time to change the oil, the engine’s temp, if the battery’s low, a million ways to adjust the steering wheel and seats, sensors in back to help warn you if you’re going to back into something, and basically the same things newer cars have, but that’s cool to one who has yet to experience these fun extras.

There’s a digital compass in the rearview mirror, you can warm it up via remote from inside the house before you go out in colder weather. No LED headlights, but it’s got halogen lights which are pretty bright, and heated back seats. Can’t imagine anyone ever being back there, though, other than Andy when we pick him up from the airport, LOL.

One of the coolest things – again, I know this has gotten pretty standard, but it’s new to us – is the dual AC zone. It has a digital temp display that can be adjusted individually. So Tom could be 76° if he wanted to be while I was 78°. I believe the back has its own adjuster too, in back of the front seat that you can program. It has tinted windows which are nice and is thunder gray. Boring but not ugly like I thought it’d be. It’s amazingly shiny and when you look at it in the direct sunlight you can see glitter in it that’s way cool.

No GPS screen, but surprisingly it has a CD player AND a cassette deck. I’m surprised because it’s an ’03, not a ’93, but I guess Cadillac tends to cater to older folks, LOL. I’m just glad we don’t live in a seedy neighborhood with no garage!

The trunk is nice and roomy. When he showed it to me I said, “Wow, you could fit two bodies in there,” and then Tom jokingly replied, “Yeah, that’s what I always look for when I buy a new car; how many bodies I can fit in the trunk. When you accidentally lock yourself in it, just pull this lever.”

I thought he was joking at first, but sure enough, there really is a lever you can pull, haha.

Again, I know you guys are probably rolling your eyes saying, “But all cars have that these days,” but it also has what I call a grocery net. It’s to hold things securely in the trunk.

It’s 5” wider than the Taurus and 7” longer, though it doesn’t seem it. It gets about the same mileage gas-wise as the Taurus. So it’s not a gas-guzzler but not a great deal either. He paid $60 to fill it up when we went out earlier.

Not sure but I think that as with newer cars, it may have a voice that tells you when you’re low on gas besides just words that indicate it, but I’m not positive on that one.

One really cool thing is that not only does any music playing get louder the more traffic noise it detects, but if you set the fan speed of the heat/AC to auto, the fan speeds up as the car gets warmer when you’re using the AC, then slows down when it gets cooler. Again, I’m guessing this is standard in ‘05s and up, but new to us.

The leather seats are firmer and more comfortable than the Ford’s cloth seats, but I prefer cloth to leather because the leather burns when it’s really hot. I can easily get a cushion for my side later on.

It has this thing where Tom could program the gate code, but the idiots forgot to enclose the extra key. They’re mailing it to us. I guess you can’t just go get duplicates cuz there’s a transmitter inside the key that needs to be programmed to match the car. Plus you have to go through a series of maneuvers to get it to work the first time. Like locking and unlocking the doors 3 times, lowering the window twice, etc.

The ride is way smoother. The car doesn’t rock like the Taurus would if you hit a bump. I feel silly going on and on about all these wonderful features that are now pretty standard, but that’s how long we had to do without these extras in life. Hell, I still can’t believe I can walk up to a readily hooked-up and available full-size washer anytime I want!

TUESDAY, APRIL 29, 2014
Applied the lovely eye sticker to the bedroom wall and didn’t do a very good job. They’re supposed to be side-glancing, head dipped slightly downward. The eye to the right should be slanted a bit more than I positioned it. Oh well. I tried.

Here goes that burning feeling I still get down there at times. I still don’t know if something’s wrong or if it’s something I’m doing, like maybe the wet wipes are irritating me or something like that. I know I should just make an appointment, but I also don’t want the possibility of getting hit with a whole new round of problems.

I’m really starting to wonder if Andy’s even bothering to read most of the journal entries I send him. Lately, he’s been slower to reply to them and even says he prefers pictures to text. Also, how come he hasn’t pointed out any typos in so long? Am I suddenly doing that well? I told him no one’s obligated to read my journal. If he’s not interested, just say so. I’m not him. I don’t see the need to send him things I know he’s not interested in, yet he says it’s ok to still send them.

Really starting to go from annoyed and frustrated to worried and concerned over the memory loss issues I’ve been having that are connected to my hypothyroidism. Before I was forgetting certain names and facts, now I’m forgetting things I’m doing. First I’d forget names and even my damn SS#. It seemed to take forever to memorize phone numbers and other things like that. But now I’m throwing things away and turning off lights I don’t remember turning off just minutes ago. I know we all do these things every now and then no matter what age we are, but this is getting a bit extreme. What am I going to do next, throw my rats in the recycle bin and forget ever doing it?

MONDAY, APRIL 28, 2014
Question: if someone doesn’t like to cook do you consider them lazy?

Answer: No. I don’t like to cook and I’m not lazy. I think it’s just a matter of one’s personal preference. If you don’t like golf, are you lazy?

Decided I would share some of the questions I get asked on other sites.

Although it was dishonest, as a test I sent Aly an email claiming to have been threatened by someone on Facebook before they disabled their account, to see if she “happened” to respond right away. It would make me think she’s been signing in and reading all along if she did, but she didn’t. Girl’s got some serious issues going on.

Tom is going to test drive a 2003 Cadillac Seville tomorrow, but no sense in getting into the details until and if he gets it. I think he will, though. :)

Marie (Jamie) cracked me the hell up when she saw my painting pics and asked if the Lucky Charms dude puked all over the place. No disrespect to me, she said, but wow. LMAO! Yeah, wow.

I’m now 2817 words away from the finish line with my book! Then I get to edit it and catch whatever stupid mistakes I made. Like having Kyla go into the woods at night without a flashlight - duh! You see things differently when reading a book straight through than you do when writing it, so a regular run-through should help me to see what’s too slow/fast, though I suppose it’s also a subjective thing that’s a matter of opinion.

Left a message for Paula. Really hope she’ll be ok!

SUNDAY, APRIL 27, 2014
Thanks to my hormone-depleted brain, I forgot to shave my calves after I shaved my thighs the other day, but I am otherwise ok. Tomorrow’s the last of the 50 mcg pills, then it’s onto 75s and hopefully a better lab score in a couple of months.

I would really like to know how the hell someone asked me a question on my old Formspring account, which I guess is now called Spring Me, which has long since been deactivated. I got a notification saying someone asked me a question, but when I activated the account, nothing was there. I then deactivated it once again since I don’t use it. I checked the notification again and it looks pretty legit to me and not like some scam or a promotional attempt. I think the notification was probably meant for another member.

I’m worried about Paula now since my dream where she was terminally ill seemed to mean something after all. I highly doubt she’ll die, but she needs to have a huge cyst removed from her uterus that may very well be cancerous. I’m surprised they don’t just do a full hysterectomy, especially at her age. As scary as it may be, I think they’ll be able to get rid of the problem. I just wish she had a better support system. Her family isn’t very close, what little of it actually exists.

We touched up the hallway today, so that is completely done. Still gotta touch up the bedrooms and the living room, though, then paint the kitchen, baths and laundry room. I had to laugh at Tammy’s reaction to the very pink walls. Not her cup of tea any more than her Toasted Cashew is mine.

Tom is on the hunt for a new car. He was torn between a new economy car and an older luxury car, and when I say “older,” I don’t mean 20 years old. I doubt whatever we get will be more than 5-10 years if it isn’t new. He went on to tell me about loans, financing, banks, interest rates and plans to pay off the 3-year loan much sooner, but of course I don’t remember much of what he said.

I will always write with gay/lesbian leads in support of equality but I’m keeping it smut-free for two reasons. One is so that it may appeal to a wider age-range and, and two is so that I don’t have to implement the adult content warning which I would be obligated to do according to Blogger’s TOS. That screen is a pain in the ass to have to go through to get to the blog, so I’d rather just keep it clean even if I try to keep that blog unknown to most people.

Still don’t expect to make much money at writing. It’s too all or nothing of a business. You either get famous or you remain a nobody. There isn’t much of an in-between in the writing world, and I’m not an outstanding writer like some of the big-name people are. It’s like with the singing. Celine Dion and Mariah Carey are the 10s. I’m just the 7. I’m actually a better journalist than when it comes to fiction. Not many people can keep a journal for over 27 years and in such detail. So… I’m a great journalist, but just a good novelist.

Had strange and unfavorable dreams last night. I was sitting at my computer in one dream when I looked out the window and saw (a cop?) approaching the house. Whoever it was, I didn’t want them to see me so the instant I saw them I hit the floor. In real life, though, if they walked up to the windows they could see me if the blinds were open. Your best bet is to run down into the hall, bathrooms or master bedroom. That bedroom has blackout shades AND curtains. If no light can get in, neither can nosy eyes.

In another dream, I sent a message to Tammy saying that I and a few friends were going to stay holed up in a hotel during a horrible storm that was to come through, and named these friends I don’t even have.

In the last dream, I was sharing a hotel room with a young blond girl I’d just met who was “assigned” to my room. Even though I didn’t seem to want to be there, it was mandatory that we both be there for some reason. The girl introduced herself to me after arriving at the room shortly after I got there and seemed very nice. She left some things of hers on the dresser, then she took off. I was bored out of my mind for hours, wishing she would return so I could have someone to chat with. Then my computer magically appeared but I couldn’t get it to work right.

SATURDAY, APRIL 26, 2014
Since I have been asked on a few sites, I thought I would explain in this entry about my type of thyroid disease, then that’s it. I really don’t want to think about it. I prefer to think of the happier things in life. :)

It’s an autoimmune disease. Apparently, my body mistook my thyroid for being a disease and it attacked and destroyed either the gland itself or the hormones it used to be able to secrete. Stupid body.

Every now and then our bodies get their signals crossed and think something healthy is really bad. I’ve heard of cases where some women’s bodies would kill any sperm entering them, thinking even that was an enemy, and so they couldn’t conceive. So that’s what it’s all about; my body getting stuck on stupid and killing the foe that was really the friend.

Less than 5k words to go with my story. Time to tie up loose ends and bring ‘em home (meaning to have the characters end up wherever they’re supposed to end up). Then it will go through a visual editing then a visual/electronic editing so I can hear what my eyes may have missed. The final draft should be out for a test drive, so to speak, in late May or early June.

FRIDAY, APRIL 25, 2014
Getting excited as I see my story’s finish line approaching! Just 8k words left to go to be eligible to win NaNoWriMo. Gotta start tying up loose ends and bring everything together soon enough. Kyla’s Secret will be available to read once it’s edited.

Getting worried about my top editor whom I haven’t heard from in more than just a few days and was having problems when we last spoke.

Really hope nothing’s wrong here. The dining room light flickered every few minutes. I switched to the kitchen light and it’s doing the same thing.

Nane took off on vacation for a week. After we chatted about Krankheiten und anderes dinge and I laughed at how she thought of me when she saw pink limos she thought were ugly, we said our goodbyes and then I realized something… every time my beloved German hottie takes off something big seems to go down with me and it’s usually not in a good way. nibbles fingertips fearfully Hurry back, Mädchen!

Found some negative reviews on my Endo doc. Not just star ratings this time, but a couple of comments. Mostly it was to bitch about the lack of staff friendliness, but I still think she seemed to know her stuff and that’s more important than smiles and friendliness. Sure, a smile and a sense of humor here and there would be nice, but her job is to adjust my meds so I don’t end up in a myxedema coma.

It is scary, though, just how many quack doctors there are out there. So many seem to be incompetent just as much as in any other field. I read up on how one woman was told by her doctor that you “don’t take thyroid medication forever” and was told to stop her meds. In fact, thyroid disease is chronic and permanent. Well, she stopped and her body shut down and she nearly died. It may very well not kill you or turn cancerous if you never take medication, but the symptoms would no doubt worsen and be a bitch to live with.

Andy cracked me up earlier, saying that I should’ve checked the reviews before seeing her and that if it’s hot that’s all the rating I need. LOL, but I didn’t pick her. My primary did. And she’s not “hot.” Yeah, there’s kinda something appealing about her appearance, but hell, I’ve always liked the older woman that you wouldn’t exactly find on the cover of a beauty magazine. I’ve never been into what most people consider “attractive.” Of course I can appreciate the beauty of a supermodel and others considered to be hotties, but I see them the way I see flowers and butterflies. They’re pleasant to the eye but they don’t usually stir my libido. And yes, married or not, devotedly in love or not, we’re all human and we will always meet people throughout our lives we’re attracted to. There’s no beating human nature.

THURSDAY, APRIL 24, 2014
Yesterday was quiet while Tom and I painted the hallway pink, him rolling, and me edging. He did some edging up high where it’s hard for me to reach, and I was the one who painted the cabinet door and drawers. The yellow and green go fantastically together, though Andy didn’t think so. I don’t think many people, if any, liked the pink, LOL. Either way, painting smooth surfaces is a bitch! The paint scuffs off the paneling so easily if we’re not careful. Apparently, they sprayed these walls the first time around, which gives you a more even coverage. Tom’s gotten so good at painting, though, that he can even edge without tape. He found that if he just presses the brush firmly to the wall and lets the bristles spread apart, then goes real slow, he can just edge that way.

Putting the drawers back was a bitch and one of the plastic guides broke, so we’ll have to get a new one or maybe even a new track as well.

Tom was right on with his guess of 12 as far as my TSH level goes. I started at 32 and 1-2 is normal. So the medication is working but not nearly enough yet. My cholesterol is almost back to normal but my glucose is a bit high. Tom and I are both borderline diabetics, especially him. He has a home testing kit he’s been using and thinks it’s just about time for him to make his own doctor’s appointment. The guy thinks he’s going to outlive me even though he’s male and he’s older by 8½ years.

We haven’t actually spoken to the doctor yet. We learned my test results online at the health site. We expect she’ll call with my new prescription and dosage soon, though. If not we’ll call her.

Just as I typed that last sentence, I got an alert from the health site. She’s going to up my dose from 50 mcg to 75 mcg.

Hashimoto’s thyroiditis. That’s what this is called that I’ve got and some of its symptoms include mental slowing, depression, dementia, weight gain, constipation, dry skin, hair loss, cold intolerance, hoarse voice, irregular menstruation, infertility, muscle stiffness and pain, and a wide range of other not-so-fun symptoms like low sex drive.

I have almost all the symptoms but maybe 3 of them.

In other news, we looked at our last home in Maricopa, and OMG! What a terrible place it would be to live in. It was getting bad when we left in 2004, but now they’ve totally trashed the place. They fenced around the house but both inside and outside the fence is completely trashed. There are now 5 rentals in back all with trash and tons of vehicles around them, and you know that house I feared would end up across from our place? Well, it’s there now and it too, is trashed to hell. The whole town is trashy. I remember looking out at the mountains at sunset or something, and then I’d look up and see grocery bags flying in the wind or something.

Because I’ve been struggling to focus on my story with both the ADHD and then having to deal with this latest health shit going on with me, I’ve been slow in my proofreading of old entries.

Molly was looking for me on the blogs she knows about a few days ago. Ugh, who let the dog off its leash and back online?

Anyway, I had some pretty wild dreams last night. Tom and I lived elsewhere and the Jes pest was our neighbor all over again. We were still owners, though, and in a retirement community. He woke me up running some loud machinery at just after 7am.

I was just about to go blast his ass out when all of a sudden Tom existed no more and I was suddenly living with my Endo doc of all people. That reminds me – a coworker of Tom’s also went to this same building and commented about the staff not being very friendly. Then one asked if the bald something-or-other was still at the front desk, LOL.

She may not have been the friendliest of doctors, but I liked that she was thorough, didn’t rush me, got back to me right away with the test results, and seemed to really know her stuff. I like to check out who I’m dealing with and found that she’s my age and is from Venezuela.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 23, 2014
Just got back from the vampire, so in a day or two, I should know the results.

It’s Wednesday, so let’s see… whose landscaping or home improvement projects will I have to hear today? The park shouldn’t be doing anything close by today, so it should just be the homeowners that decide to do landscaping today.

Tom took the whole day off since he still has over 100 hours off owed to him. We’re going to touch up some splotchy areas along the base of the bedroom and some grooves that didn’t quite get covered well enough, then we’re going to paint the drawers and the hallway.

Andy was so right in saying white walls are boring. I almost regret whiting out the living room, though I’d rather white than some of the hideous colors they have that are beyond dull, depressing, and ugly like gray, olive, mustard yellow, chocolate brown, and kidney bean.

I still can’t believe how gorgeous the bedroom came out. Even objects look so cool against the minty background like my red and pink flowers. The white of the lampshade seems to stand out more and even the wall outlets appear to “glow” against the background.

We discovered that the few scattered outages I’ve been having aren’t because our connection cuts out but because I simply need to re-log into the network. Been holding steady again, though.

Yesterday I had the fatigue from hell, but am feeling much perkier today. That’s a good thing too, with all I’ve got lined up to do today. I may have to do a double chapter tomorrow because I don’t know if I’ll have time to work on my book today.

Last night I dreamed of getting into an old white pickup truck that looked a lot like the one we used to have. I couldn’t get the door shut and then Tom pulled some papers of some kind off the back. I was suddenly worried we’d have more hassles and expenses and would eventually go broke.

I don’t know if we were relocating to a new area or what, but we were renting a dumpy place. It may’ve even been an apartment. There was this strange growth on the ceiling I noticed as I was going to bed and I asked Tom to spray it for me. I woke up as some of the shit, which I feared could be wasp nests, started to fall on me.

TUESDAY, APRIL 22, 2014
I slept 8 hours yet I’m exhausted. Tom and I both suspect my TSH levels are still off and so does the doctor, who also seems to think my primary doctor isn’t very competent since she didn’t follow up on some things. Yeah, I wonder about her too at times.

I am feeling a bit frustrated and overwhelmed right now. The doctor understood this and said that hypothyroidism is common. Common or not, others suffering with me or not, it doesn’t lessen my own suffering. I’m tired, I’m sleep-needy, I’m losing hair, I’m gaining weight, and now I’ve learned that the memory loss I’ve been noticing is connected as well. It usually took just one take to learn foreign words when I was younger. Now it usually takes a few takes to get them to stick.

I have several symptoms I wrote off to either age or being fat. I know our memory declines with age and I thought that and my low sex drive was on account of aging alone. They wouldn’t have so many sexual enhancers geared toward us older folks if we were all as horny as we were in our 20s, so I wrote that off as one more consequence of aging.

My brain just isn’t as sharp as it used to be. I have to stop and think when asked questions that I should be able to answer in a split second.

I also thought my puffy face and neck and swollen feet were on account of the extra weight, but those are symptoms too, as well as the water retention I’ve bitched about having at the wrong times of the month. If it’s a symptom of hypothyroidism, I’ve got it. She showed me a plastic model of a normal thyroid vs. one as fucked up as mine and it’s definitely a lot bigger than a normal one. No wonder I have such a fat, droopy neck.

Being sensitive to heat and cold is another thing I didn’t realize was connected. I thought I just always hated the cold and had simply become less heat tolerant due to getting so fat.

The doctor said it could take as much as 6 months to get my medication levels adjusted, and in a day or two, I will be having more blood drawn. She felt my thyroid and will send me in for another ultrasound in September to make sure those nodules are still benign.

As Tom was pointing out and reminding me when we were discussing my weight, my 100-pound days are over. I have way too much muscle to get much under 120 and that’s fine. I’m not looking to get “skinny.” People associate thinness with being in shape when in fact the two aren’t as connected as people tend to think they are. When I was 100 pounds I was in shit shape most of the time. I could never have done all the ab crunches I can do now nor could I run a few miles. I have a close friend who is thin but she smokes and tires easily. So being thin does NOT always mean you’re in shape. Any expert will tell you this. Also, exercise alone isn’t usually enough to get the weight off unless you can do it for many hours every single day. You gotta cut calories and eat healthier foods. As I told Andy, what frustrates me more than not losing weight from exercise is knowing I have to damn near starve myself to lose more than a few pounds. It’s when BOTH exercise and diet fail to do you any good that it’s frustrating as hell.

Tom believes I will eventually be able to lose weight, but I think I’ll continue to gain all of my life. This worries the shit out of me because I don’t know how I can get around being this short if I gain another 30-50 pounds. I’m at the point where I’m more worried about gaining more weight than I am about losing hair. I can still function with or without hair on my head, but I can’t function if I end up grotesquely obese.

Another symptom I’ve had for a while now is an increase in both hunger and thirst. Well, it’s awfully hard to restrict your calories when you’re constantly hungry! Some days I just can’t fill up. I’ll have a sandwich or something and feel like there’s absolutely nothing in my stomach. Most days I can eat around 1500 calories, which is less than the standard 2000 most people are recommended to have, but to my body 1500 is like 2500.

I also learned that while high cholesterol may run in the family, my thyroid is probably what drove mine up. The doctor’s going to test my pituitary gland, something I guess my primary was supposed to have done but didn’t. The pituitary sends out messages to the other glands to do their jobs, and she wants to know if there’s any communication going on there. If the pit gland is telling my thyroid, “Work harder! Work harder!” then that’s an indication that the TSH levels are still off. A failed thyroid will always continue to try to produce hormones it can no longer produce.

Nothing frustrates me more than having to tell people the same shit over and over again. When they ignore what I tell them or don’t seem to get it, I often wonder if they pay attention to the things I say or if they even give a shit. Yet here I am having to ask people to repeat themselves because I failed to remember something they just told me. :(

The whole thing just sucks. Appointments, pills… ugh! I feel I’m too young to have a chronic condition that requires meds for the rest of my life. I didn’t expect anything like this till my 60s or so. I also thought I’d live at least till my 70s so that God could have more fun cursing me with shit here and there, but IDK. Maybe the bastard will kill me sooner. I doubt it, though.

A part of me is tempted to just not give in to this problem by just ignoring it completely and not going to doctors and taking medication, but that will only make things worse. As much as we may wish we could tell ourselves to just “not give in to” whatever, it doesn’t always work that way. I can’t wish this away, I can’t pray this away, and I can’t just ignore it. Ignorance may be bliss when it comes to not reading the depressing news, ignoring trolls, and many other things. But I don’t have the luxury of just “ignoring” my condition. Not without serious consequences. Within a decade I would probably have a heart attack or a stroke if those nodules didn’t turn cancerous first, and I hate to think of just how many hundreds of pounds I could gain in the meantime as well. So I can ignore the news and I can ignore certain individuals so long as they don’t come to my door and make me deal with them, but I can’t ignore my health.

What’s up with the staff at this place, though? Everyone’s bald or anorexic. The receptionist had such thin hair she makes mine seem thicker than it used to be, and the doctor’s nurse was so skinny it almost made me sick to look at her. I’d rather stay fat than be that thin. Anorexia? A medical condition? My guess is a medical condition. Anorexia is usually a young thing and this woman was around 40.

MONDAY, APRIL 21, 2014
Dear God: Please let me stop losing hair and gaining weight (yeah, my weight started climbing again).

Oh, wait. That’s right. You don’t give a shit about me. If You did I wouldn’t be having these problems in the first place, right?

Well, let’s just hope the doctor I’m going to see this afternoon can help me instead. After all, God can’t write prescriptions. She can. I just worry that there won’t be anything they can do in my case and that someday I’ll be well over 200 pounds. Fate is going to play itself out the way it was meant to, though, so if I’m meant to be grotesquely huge, then there’s nothing I can do about it. I run 3 or 4 times a week, and I eat reasonably most days… so I don’t know what else I can do to help myself in that department. Perhaps all the doctor needs to do is adjust my dosage or change my medication, but I find it hard to believe it’d be that simple. Whatever happens, I’ve become a rather private person when it comes to my health, so I’m not going to get into much detail. I’m not going to die. That’s all anyone needs to know. I may end up bald and wider than this house, but I won’t die.

What I love knowing is that I can say “no” to these doctors and medications anytime I want to, and that’s important to one who had no say over her life/body as a child and even parts of her adult life. Back when they were doping me with psych pills and leaving me with permanent side effects, I didn’t have the right to say “no.” Now I do. Now I can say that life is all about taking risks and living on the edge, and I know we’re all going to die someday anyway, so no more drugs and doctors.

But I don’t want to suffer needlessly and put my life at risk while I’m still relatively young. If I were single it wouldn’t matter so much if I were risking a stroke or a heart attack by not taking my cholesterol pills, and it wouldn’t matter if I were risking thyroid cancer if I went off my medication, but I do have a husband to consider. So for now I have to do all I can to deal with this latest round of shit our lovely, loving God has decided to dish out at me, as if I haven’t had enough. The sleep issues alone are a HUGE curse for life as it is. Sometimes I’m not sure which is worse, deadly or debilitating. No one wants to die, of course, but when something really limits the hell out of just how much you can live life and your everyday functions, it gets truly frustrating at times. Especially if you look at it long-term.

SUNDAY, APRIL 20, 2014
Happy Easter to those of you who celebrate it. Me, I’m about as religious as a doorknob and I prefer to keep it that way. :)

We set the bombs off yesterday and went to Jack-n-the-Box where we got breakfast platters with bacon, eggs, hash browns and pancakes. The only place I don’t worry about my cholesterol is when I’m eating out and that’s only a few times a month.

After breakfast, we went to Goodwill where I got some flavored lip balms, a patchouli-scented dangly thing for the car, a Japanese geisha doll in a red kimono, and a black fairy figurine. It all came to less than $10.

We didn’t paint yesterday, but Tom’s going to be touching up the living room while I’m doing the master bedroom. Really wish I could be tall if only for this project, but no, God just had to make me short just like He had to go and sic all kinds of other shit on me. Like why does it always have to be those next to ME that have to come and go all day? Before 8am yesterday, next door had already come and gone twice. By 1pm they’d come and gone 4 times. If there were any more trips after that, I lost count. Their SUV isn’t that loud but the car doors thumping can get old. Technically, though, 2-4 trips in and out is normal. What’s not is the others around us that go out 0-1 times a day.

Andy suggested getting a petition going to reduce the daily landscaping to once a week, but as I explained to him again, it wouldn’t do us any good because the park is so big and there are many homes. Besides, one day might not work for everyone. Some people want to be home to either do their own landscaping or oversee those that are doing it and that one particular day may not be good for them. As for the park, I doubt they could afford to hire 100 people to do it once a week. They do it in sections instead, so I don’t hear the park employees every day but I do hear someone somewhere landscaping just about every day.

The only time I hear the park every day is in the fall when the trees are losing their leaves. They may not do the common inner areas every day, but the greenbelt along the perimeters gets done daily in the fall. That much is overkill for sure. I don’t understand why they need to stand there ready to catch every single leaf as it falls. They’re just leaves! Leaves never harmed anyone.

Nonetheless, there are simply too many homes and too much common area to reduce the park and the individual owners to just once a week, and while it can get annoying as hell, it’s better than 12-hour barking sprees, welfare bums, gangs, screaming kids, and loud car stereos blasting. No place is totally soundless anyway. Just gotta make the best of it. Today’s Sunday, though, so I definitely won’t hear from the park people. The homeowners maybe, but not the park.

Another thing they’ve been annoying me with lately is the home improvements. I’ve been hearing a lot of hammering and banging and that can be distracting when you’re trying to write a book. I sometimes put the sound machine on during the daytime. Tom thought the banging we could hear on Friday was some sort of construction going on somewhere. I don’t know what it was, but yes, the buzzing, blowing, mowing, trimming, edging, thumping, hammering, banging and slamming can get a bit old at times.

Later…

I now have a gorgeous minty green bedroom. It’s way more beautiful than I thought it’d be. There’s always a slight worry that a color that looks good online or on a piece of paper, but not quite as good on the wall. Like with the second bedroom. It’s gorgeous, all right, but I should’ve gone with just lavender instead of pale lavender cuz it’s lighter than I thought it would be.

I almost got Mint Shake for the master bedroom instead of Minty Green and I’m glad I didn’t. I rolled the paint on most of the walls by myself, which was a little tough, but not too bad. If only we didn’t have those damn grooves and strips on the panel boards! That’d cut the time in half right there. Tom’s helping with edging up by the ceiling.

I totally see what he meant when he said it’s hard to cover the paneling that has never been painted. It’s like the paint “slides” and it causes streaking. Even with the Glidden Duo, which has primer in it, we’ll need to hit that back wall twice. The laundry room is going to be a nightmare because none of it has ever been painted before.

The easy part was edging along with a small brush. I’m a little pissed that we got two gallons when all we needed was one despite how big that room is. That’s $30 wasted.

Tom thinks the carpet is 15 years old and not 30 because the white paint we covered seems to go all the way down to the floor. The last people probably ripped the carpet out, painted most of the walls, and then installed this brown crappy carpet. Can’t wait to get rid of it but not until the painting is done. At least where the old carpet is. All that’s left to paint that has old carpet is the hallway.

Gonna paint the cabinet door and built-in drawers in the bedroom yellow, but am not sure we’ll bother painting the upper quarter rounds yellow. Either way, it will be the citrus room without the nasty taste. The deep pink curtains will contrast nicely with the green and yellow. Not going to take many pics, though, till the new carpet and dresser are in.

SATURDAY, APRIL 19, 2014
A few people commented on the artwork I posted on Facebook, but sure enough, there was nothing from my nieces. Sometimes I wonder just how much they give a damn, but one can’t exactly make someone keep in touch more often either. I’ve done my part and that’s all I can do.
You know it’s really kind of sad that all they have is each other. They have a few friends they do things with, but they’ve never seemed to date or have boyfriends in the few years we’ve all been back in touch. I wonder just what one would do without the other. They do almost everything together. They live together, they travel together, and they pretty much do everything together. Sure they visit and chat with people here and there same as Tom and I do, who also live for each other and would be lost without the other, but Tom and I are husband and wife. Not sister and sister. I know I shouldn’t judge them and I’m not going to share this publicly of course, but sometimes they seem a little too close, not that anything perverted is going on or anything like that. Then again, they don’t seem the least bit unhappy, so maybe my sadness for them is unfounded? They do seem confident and content, after all, and if this is the way they like things to be, then I guess it’s pointless to feel bad for them. Not unless I hear any complaints.

Got a busy weekend ahead of me. We’ll be out while we’re bombing the house today, then I’m going to attempt to do a double chapter when we return because I plan to spend tomorrow painting. And showing Tom just how much better I am at it than he is. :)

Sure enough, the Dutch teen who threatened that airline didn’t get a moment’s jail time. Maybe we need to turn American Airlines black. Personally, I never understood why people put much stock in threats as opposed to actions, but if you’re going to make such a big deal over it for some, then you should do it for all. The dual standards we have in society are totally fucked up. It’s ok to threaten a white person but not a black person? It’s ok to threaten gays but not the president just because he’s the fucking president? Sorry, but that’s just too fucked up.

Going to get some writing in before we bomb. We can’t get the bombs till he goes to the grocery store anyway and that won’t be for a few hours. Then we’ll probably go out to eat and maybe check out Goodwill. I love that place. You never know what bargains you’ll find there.

FRIDAY, APRIL 18, 2014
Myra should’ve gotten my letter by now. Another thing that makes sending her copies of the jailhouse journals so damn funny is that I sent them anonymously. After 14 years the odds of her remembering my name are next to nil. I didn’t enclose a link to my blog but mentioned publishing them in my personal blog. Just knowing she’s going to be going absolutely batshit crazy trying to figure out who the hell I am so she can have someone on the outs hunt for this blog for her is totally fucking hilarious as hell.

I hate it when I wake up from a series of dreams and tell myself to remember them, but then I later find I can’t. All I remember is patting a large guinea pig.

I also hate it when I can’t think of anything interesting to say. I’m just taking a day off from running, working on my book, and doing some housework. Exciting, huh? LOL

Maybe I’ll squeeze in some proofreading and a French lesson before the landscaping, hammering, traffic, and daily sounds of the park start up about 5 hours from now.

I can add that I’m worried about a friend of mine that I haven’t heard from. She’s been having some serious health issues and I worry about her at times. All the rats were out and about earlier, getting some exercise and enjoying their freedom. I don’t like how timid Hoodie is at times, but he’s young yet.

THURSDAY, APRIL 17, 2014
Happy 33rd birthday to Aly, whatever you’re up to!

Haven’t heard from her in about a week. I know she’s been having the health problems from hell. Sleeping better, but still has depression and a skin infection last I knew.

It’s so cute how Romeo is always waiting for me when I get up, and begging for his breakfast. Sugar’s too weak and baby Hoodie doesn’t get it yet, but it’s so sweet how Romeo, this little critter, has come to love and depend on me. Then again, he’s anything but little for a rat.

While Tom says it’s better than nothing, I don’t think he’s too thrilled over his 49-cent raise and I don’t blame him.

Went running earlier and my quads are sore which means I really should give them some recovery time. I know I said I was going to drop to just 3 times a week since I’m not going to lose weight anyway with my thyroid thingy and inability to restrict my calories every day, but when the time and temperature are just so perfect, it’s hard not to take advantage of it. I love running in the middle of the night when there’s no traffic, and the 60s is a good temp to do it in, too.

I hardly use my treadmill anymore because it’s so boring compared to outdoor running, but will need it during the rainy season and when I get up at the wrong times. Getting up at 8am in the summer will kind of suck because by the time I’m ready to run it will be too warm, and by the time it cools down I will be too tired.

My worsening memory is getting alarming. I noticed it about 5 years ago, but when I had to look up the name of the drug they messed me up on, that was a bit worrisome. How could I forget it was Navane?! And how could it be used for ADHDers if it’s mostly used for schizophrenia, I wondered, but some people have assured me it was/is indeed used for ADHD as well. I guess that explains it, though I still say I never should’ve been given the crap.

The landscapers drove me absolutely batty yesterday, and big park or not, I still don’t see why we’ve got to go through this shit nearly every single fucking day. The constant buzzing really makes being on days a bit of a drag. The traffic and car doors are enough. Besides, I thought they did the common area here on Fridays. Either way, I’m sure there’ll be something today. Maybe they’ll be blowing the streets or somebody will do some home improvement project that can be heard in here.

I’m going to do some proofreading before 8am and save my story for later. With my story, I can just throw on the sound machine (though that doesn’t always drown out all the sounds), but when I proofread I use an electronic reader.

Been seeing too many spiders in here at night, especially in the master bathroom, so we’re going to bomb this weekend. It’s summer here now anyway, so this is the time to do it.

Although Tammy and Mark are still looking forward to escaping cold, boring Connecticut for cheaper, warmer Florida, boy are they cursed! I misunderstood her at first. She was saying that when they had the house appraised a few years ago they told them it was worth $350,000 but now it’s worth $260,000 and were in tears when they heard that.

I was like, a quarter-million and they’re in tears? Also, they’re getting a waterfront apartment, which is probably pretty pricey, plus furniture before the place is even sold, so what am I missing?

Well, it turns out that they’re in such huge debt that they’re basically going to leave CT with nothing. I thought the house was paid off, but it’s not. Then when Mark came down with heart problems, that caused him to miss a lot of work. Their home business suffered big time and so they lost a lot of money. They also spent many thousands on our parents once realizing that they too, had fallen into debt.

I guess that between her disability and his retirement money, they don’t get much more than a couple of grand a month. My only concern would be if their business didn’t work out down in FL, but I think it will. Their biggest concern is if Mark’s heart gives out. They’re trying to set things up so that Tammy can make it on her own. It’s sad, but something we all have to think about when we get older. Growing old, feeble and helpless has always been my biggest fear. If I were single and knew I had kids to help me, then it wouldn’t seem as scary and depressing. But I have a husband to consider and no one to help us. Meaning that if I were told right now I had something terminal, I’d worry more for Tom than for me because he’s still relatively young at 56, and that’s a lot of time he’d be alone. No one wants to be alone all the time even if they’re not social butterflies with a zillion friends, but at his age, you just don’t meet people the way you do in your 20s.

If my guess is correct, though, he’ll die first, but not till his 80s, and then I will kill myself because I wouldn’t want to be without him no matter what kind of money or help was around.

While I’d never want to go back to being in my 20s again, a part of me misses how we tend to live more for the moment when we’re young, then we worry about the future when we get older.

Anyway, Tammy and Mark aren’t going to buy a house or a condo because they don’t want to end up like our parents did in the end, but when she said the apartment she was looking to get was low-income (like what Sarah and Becky are looking into) my first thought was oh, no! You’re kidding! Does she want to live with welfare bums, college kids, and other loud obnoxious nightmares? But she said that it’s a very nice place that’s well-maintained, and a friend of hers also stayed there and liked it very much. Well, I hope it works out for her sake. After all, not everyone has a neighbor curse on them just because we did. All it takes, though, is one person to ruin the peace. It’s better than a pack of welfare bums, college animals, and large Mormon families, but Jesse was just one person and he drove us crazy. The older lady in the Oregon duplex was one person and she drove us crazy, too. Lastly, Andrea at the Vista Ventana apartment complex was one person and she drove me beyond crazy. Blacks and Mexicans would be the worst ones she could end up with. Blacks are the absolute meanest and potentially the most dangerous, too. The only thing that sets them apart from the Arabs is that the blacks were once treated badly. Where there’s 1 Mexican there’s 50. There are just way too many of them. If she’s got 20 Mexican grandkids upstairs visiting over her head…

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16, 2014
Went for my longest run ever and was out for 45 minutes total. I ran most of the time and although I doubt I covered 3 miles, I had to have gone over 2. I didn’t take the iPod. I just listened to the sounds of the night instead, along with my feet hitting the pavement and my breathing. It was a beautiful night. It started off chilly but I ended up sweaty. I realize that if I sweat at night in the 60s, the 80s and bright sunlight would definitely kill me for sure. I just can’t take the heat when I’m exerting myself in any way. Love it when I’m not doing anything physical, though. Maybe it’s because I’m big?

All was dark at Carol’s house, but I saw a cute little possum. It was about twice the size of Romeo. I’ve heard they can be pretty nasty. Good thing I run in the middle of the road at night. You never know what skunks and shit like that may jump out at you if you run alongside the bushes.

Even though I’m totally not in the mood to do so, it’s time to start chapter 16 of my book.

TUESDAY, APRIL 15, 2014
Only in this park can you make a friend at midnight, LOL. I was out jogging since I got up late and wanted to wait for it to cool down. I made my way to the back of the park when a woman who was out on her driveway said hello and I stopped to chat since I didn’t want to seem rude by breezing on past her. I thought she was simply out for a smoke, but she was actually checking out the blood-red moon and eclipse. I’d heard about it but didn’t think to check it out till I then looked up at the moon. It was pretty cool looking.

Anyway, it was hard to see any detail in the dark and without glasses, but the woman introduced herself to me as Carol. She was tall, slim and had long dark curly hair. I’d guess her to be in her 40s.

I mentioned her having the best location in the park and she said she could hear the train. I’d rather that than the kind of traffic we get over here. When I have upcoming appointments and am sleeping in the daytime, I add an earplug to my good ear, not that it always saves me if a big truck goes over the speed bump in back with a loud crash.

Although it still depresses and sometimes angers me, I’ve been following the news a bit more closely. Saw that a guy was charged with hate crimes when he killed some Jews. So we love blacks but still hate Jews?

What else… some stupid Dutch teen threatened American Airlines. I would have been pissed as hell had they not arrested her after all the people that actually commit acts of violence that they get away with, even though they’ll probably just give her a slap on the wrist and a 5-minute lecture. Personally, as stupid as it was of her to do, I never could understand why people put so much energy into worrying about threats of any kind from anyone when they’re just words. Aren’t actions supposed to speak louder than words? No, I wouldn’t appreciate anyone saying they were going to kill me, but why get all worked up about it unless someone comes to my door and actually tries to harm me? Anyone can make threats and I’m sure just about everyone has at one time or another during the heat of the moment. But how many actually act on those threats? Words don’t mean much without the actions to back them up be it a threat or a promise to help someone that needs help.

Later…

Gonna fill up soon on protein and veggies and then go out for my run. It was beautiful last night and while it’s harder to see in the dark, I love the lack of traffic and the peacefulness of it. It’s like I have the roads all to myself. I even pulled the earbud out of my good ear to listen to the night sounds around me, which wasn’t much. It’s definitely much more peaceful at night when the buzz of the landscapers isn’t present. You just hear distant traffic on the freeways and barking outside of the park when running along the perimeters.

I spoke to Paula for about 23 minutes yesterday. She’s got all kinds of health problems from her uterus to her heart, from stress and anxiety to stomach issues. No wonder the “dream people” keep killing her. I think she’ll be ok, though. She urged me to get a second opinion in my case and be careful of how certain medications can mess with the liver and kidneys. Yeah, I know most doctors are quacks. That’s part of why I didn’t see one for so long. It’s not so much that they don’t know what they’re doing as much as it is that they don’t tell you everything you need to know. No one told me about the tardive dyskinesia too many years of Navane caused until I developed it. When I asked my new doctor what side effects the levothyroxine might have in store for me, all she said was a racing heart. Instead of getting that, I got hair loss, and my research confirmed that to be a common side effect, along with my sister, who has had some medical training and taking similar drugs herself.

Another thing that frustrates Paula is being told one thing by one doctor and another by another. Tammy went through that too, being told she had thyroid disease by one and that she didn’t by another. Doctors can be very frustrating, even worrisome. We can’t expect them to know it all, but having an array of opinions on fine art is one thing. Having it pertaining to our health is another and it would be nice if they could be a little more certain and forthcoming when it comes to our health.

I was led to believe the Navane was a mood stabilizer and I was given it to help calm me down (I have ADHD). But my research shows it’s commonly used for treating schizophrenia and those who hear voices. Whose voices were I supposedly hearing back in the 80s???

MONDAY, APRIL 14, 2014
I’m waiting for the temperature to drop down into the 50s so I can have a more comfortable workout. For now, I’m running a load of dishes through the dishwasher and hoping the rats stay quiet enough to let me concentrate on my story. I could always throw them in the laundry room if they get too rowdy, I suppose.

I had a dream I was at a small airport with a friend. I apparently knew the people running the place and was showing the friend the inside of some planes. We climbed into one, which was stuffy, and sat in back. I reached up and put the AC on to cool it down. The friend wondered how I could do that when the plane wasn’t running.

“Batteries,” I told her.

She was excited because she’d never flown before and we were going to fly up to northern Oregon for the day and then back. “At least you know Oregon,” she said.

“Yeah, but only parts of southern Oregon, not northern,” I told her.

Suddenly one of the pilots got on the plane and started backing it up down a street where cars drove. The friend asked where it was going.

I shrugged and said, “Probably just going to the bathroom.”

LOL

SUNDAY, APRIL 13, 2014
Tom did both a good and a not-so-good job painting the living room today. He loves how the job really worked muscles he doesn’t normally use, but said he couldn’t paint for a living cuz he sucks at it. Why is it that everyone seems to suck at painting but me? I told him I’ll do the rest of the painting. He can help edge areas I can’t reach as well and help me set up and clean up and all that stuff, but I’d like to do most of it since I have a steadier hand.

I asked Tom if he was sure he wanted to do the painting by himself cuz I’d be happy to stay up a little later and help. But he insisted he was fine on his own and that I’d already done most of the work by taping.

Not all the glitches he ran into were his fault, though. The paint just didn’t want to stick to the one paneled wall he painted and so when he went to remove the tape it tore some of it off. It will need to be touched up with the roller brush that looks like a chair wheel.

What I didn’t get was why he got paint on the central beams when he wasn’t in that area to begin with, but was able to wash most of it off.

The rest of the walls look great. It’s a nice even crisp bright white that doesn’t clash with the colors in the curtains or whatever the future couch ends up being, and it’s nice no longer having to see outlines of pictures the previous people had hanging for years and other nicks and scuffs that were present. The room looks brighter, more modern, and definitely bigger. As he told himself, that’s as bad as it will get since it’s the biggest room in the house and the only one with a zillion windows. I’m glad we didn’t have to worry about new carpet. The reason I wanted to do that room first was that it’s the biggest and with the most carpet. I’m going for the carpeted areas first, even though we’re replacing the flooring too, eventually. The next room will be the master bedroom. I’m going to tape it up tonight. This room will be mint green. No pics till the imperfections are touched up.

We hung the decorative beach curtains by the door and I actually like them better than the garden scene in the dining room. I still have another garden scene I can hang for variety at some point, too. Thank goodness I didn’t get curtains for the 6 front windows. That would’ve looked ridiculous.

We also cornered my desk as it was meant to be and it looks way better this way.

SATURDAY, APRIL 12, 2014
Got an adorable new hooded ratty today and named him Hoodie. Romeo is 5 times the size of him. Yeah, you forget just how huge your adult rat is till you put a baby next to it. Hoodie was a bit overwhelmed at first but is already adjusting to being around the big guys. Sugar doesn’t seem fazed as much, but I think Romeo will like having a rat around that’s not disabled. Sugar was almost back to his old self last night, but seems shakier today. Tom noticed it, too.

Hoodie’s much braver than Romeo was as a baby. Romeo was always shy. Baby rats tend to pee and poop on you when they’re nervous, but Hoodie hasn’t done that.

They were all asleep in their box earlier, but now that it’s nighttime, he and Romeo are playing. His little squeaks and squeals almost sound like a bird chirping. Romeo gets a little rough by default at times because he’s so much bigger.

The store had a huge variety. White rats, brown rats, brown/black rats like Romeo, hooded rats… The store was miserable, though, cuz the AC was broken. They had water bottles filled with ice in the cages, but still, I’m glad I got him out of there. Now he has someone who loves him and a cage twice as big that’s made of wire, which is more appropriate for rats as opposed to glass.

Rats usually go for $7, but he was just under $6. For just $3 I got them a pink and black animal print soft bed with feathers on the corners that I’m surprised Romeo hasn’t demolished yet. He’s obsessed with feathers, LOL. The bed itself is chew-proof. Not sure how much they’ll like it, though, since it’s not covered. Rats prefer to be enclosed.

Sent one more letter down to Arizona and that would be to Myra C. The child molester who’s not getting out of prison till 2030 was one of the worst inmates I had to deal with at the jail. She turned almost the whole pod against me till I called her out on her charges and it was hell even with a radio to tune most of it out. Had we been cellies one of us would’ve ended up dead for sure. Mary, of course, was too naïve to see her true colors at first. Myra, like Nancy, was freaked out by the idea of me keeping a journal for fear of her nasty little secrets being revealed. But revealed they have been – to HER, LOL.

As I’ve said before, no one’s going to violate my speech rights ever again. I used no sensitive info on my blog and I made no threats. Therefore I’m not worried about it, even though I had a dream I was in trouble of some kind. I don’t know what for or who was involved. I also don’t know if my lawyer was a paid one or a public defender, but as he was giving me a ride somewhere I asked if he thought I had anything to worry about. He looked thoughtful for a moment and slightly hesitant. Then he said, “I think they’ll roll my way, I just don’t know how.”

Again, I’m not worried. I’m just laughing. Knowing how shocked and furious she’ll be to read the excerpts from those good old days is hilarious as hell. If more people thought before they acted, they wouldn’t be in for such reactions and surprises. People burn people and then forget about them. But those they burn don’t forget about them. Sending the excerpts may be a form of childish revenge, but I’d say it’s a pretty “acceptable” form of revenge as opposed to threats, violence and other things one could be doing to get even, so just like I’d have told the black bitch, be thankful that’s all you got was just words.

Really hope Kim got my letter. I didn’t realize the prison was made up of a bunch of buildings and so I may’ve sent it to the wrong PO box. Kim’s in the Lumbley Unit, the kiddy licker’s in the Santa Cruz Unit. I’m guessing they’re placed by type of crime and type of security risk.

Of course Hope isn’t getting out till 2041, and Teresa’s never getting out. I don’t understand why since they’re all child molesters. Maybe there were different counts. Obviously, if you molest 4 kids instead of 1, you’d get a harsher sentence. Then again, the law never seems to make much sense, so who knows why one would get 30 years, while another gets 40 years and another gets 150 years. And how could Rosa get 25 years for second-degree murder while Kiddy Licker gets 30? Isn’t murder supposed to be more serious than sex crimes?

FRIDAY, APRIL 11, 2014
Wish I had something exciting to say but I just don’t at the moment. I’m making dinner, waiting for it to get cool enough out to go on my run, then I’m going to write and do laundry. Exciting huh? LOL, hey, it works for me.

I teased Nane about going Italian on me every other month so I wouldn’t be neglecting my Italian so much. It’s gotten to the point that I can understand almost everything on her wall. I learned the basics on LiveMocha and she has really filled in my vocabulary from there. Es ist erstaunlich.

I was giggling to myself remembering the “No Postage Necessary” game Andy and I used to play. I don’t know if he still does, but I don’t. I know Tom feels more comfortable the more I behave, so to speak, but once upon a time, I would take envelopes that said “No Postage Necessary” and surprise its receiver with all kinds of odds and ends – grocery lists, notes, coupons, etc. I was joking with Tom the other day about how the color cards we got when selecting paint colors would be perfect for an NPN envelope, hahaha.

THURSDAY, APRIL 10, 2014
Thank you God for seeing that my husband’s hard work has been rewarded with a piddly little raise, so he learned today. Thanks to his wonderfully fair boss and our wonderful God who just loves the hell outa us, his hard work, time, effort and dependability have been deemed worthy with just pennies. Ain’t he lucky? Amazing how much worth and value is seen in a guy as hardworking as my dear hubby who, well, deserves just pennies for all his efforts. After all, he’s over 30 and he’s definitely too white to deserve anything better in a time when only those repressed something like 100 years ago deserve proper pay and recognition for their work. Really, if his wife can’t even get the disability benefits that are rightfully hers, why would he get the kind of raise he deserves? Always the limits for Tom and Jodi S. Then someday we can revisit the past and be God’s little poor-assed bums and maybe lose the place while we’re at it. Right, God?

I know that something is better than nothing like he himself said, but still, a raise like what he got is like giving a damn good waitress a nickel. I’d be insulted.

When I walked into the bedroom last night I saw the spider I failed to kill and lost the night before under the window where the wall and floor meet. I KNEW the fucker had survived my initial attack. It was probably hiding in that area all night and so I did have to sleep with the thing after all. I sprayed it and brought it to the toilet with the regular swatter. Then I saw what I thought was a smaller spider on the bathroom floor and zapped it. The thing started spinning round and round in circles. Had to zap it 3 times to kill it but it was a mosquito, not a spider.

Tom sprayed the outsides of the windows after work, but if that doesn’t back them off we’ll bomb.

We STILL haven’t painted yet because of lack of time and other things coming up. Where we thought someone would take the couch and dressers, they took the dishwasher instead. Maybe for old parts? I saw them take the furniture after I got up and was amazed at how easily the compactor crushed it, even the couch. I thought that thing just pushed it toward the front of the truck, but the truck swallowed it right up and snapped the dressers like twigs.

The last of the blinds are up and I taped as much of the living room as I could reach, so all Tom has to do is tape along the ceiling. Then we will be ready to go. The only other thing left to do in the living room is install the second decorative rod and scenic curtains.

I didn’t know this but painter’s tape expires. I guess if you leave it on too long it will be harder to get off and may leave some residue or discoloring behind. The stuff we have can be up for two weeks. I’m hoping to get as much done as possible before the new carpet arrives. We haven’t yet set up a time for someone to come out and take measurements and let us know how much they charge to haul out the old carpet.

Did something I rarely do and ended up napping for a few hours. Periods and cramps always wear me down.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9, 2014
The house diagonally from us is back on with the home improvements, and no one’s come for the couch and dressers yet. They better hurry up. In less than 6 hours the gates will be locked. It would kind of suck if it didn’t get taken because then we’ll have to wait till August to get rid of the dishwasher and other items.

One or two Internet outages a day is normal, but last night I swore we were back in Auburn. I had to reset the modem and was offline for about half an hour. Usually, it just hiccups for a minute like everyone else does, but this was much more than a hiccup. Something is still wrong with it because it’s really slow. I guess we’re going to have to go back to calling and bitching for the service we pay for.

Got to make my first kill yesterday with our zapping swatter. A spider was in the middle of the bathroom floor. So I ran and grabbed the zapper. Since the spider was barely half an inch long, I placed the swatter down flat on the floor. The damn thing started running in different directions, trying to escape. Then I remembered I had to hold the button down. It zapped that sucker dead cold in a second! It made a loud popping sound and a spark of white light the size of a pen tip. I can see where this would really hurt a person and maybe even kill a rat. Spiders as huge as we would find in the desert might end up on fire with this thing.

Later on, I spotted another one in the bedroom where the wall and ceiling meet. At that angle, I couldn’t zap it. So I knocked it down with the tip of the zapper, planning to electrocute the fucker on the ground. But then it disappeared! I did not like having to go to sleep knowing the damn thing was still on the loose, but I haven’t seen it since.

Last night I dreamed I was on this tiny beach. The only way to leave it was through this gate, but I could see a snake just under the gate. I tried to scare it away with a stick or something but that only pissed it off. I took a step back as it came toward me and fell back onto my ass. Unable to get back up fast enough I started rolling away from it.

Next thing I knew, I was inside some huge house by this beach in which several people lived. I must’ve been desperate for some reason because some girl in her twenties let me take a shower there and borrow some clothes. I thought of asking for lotion but figured she’d done enough for me. I wished whatever problem I was having was solved so I could surprise her with a 20-dollar bill for helping me and then be on my way. I asked when a certain person would be home and it seemed to be someone I was hoping to avoid. She told me not for many hours and I wandered around the place a bit. I admired the view out a huge window of a swimming pool and then the sea behind it.

TUESDAY, APRIL 8, 2014
My foster sister/friend, Shelly, was a hero to a little girl today just like she was once my hero in keeping my once 85-pound ass safe from the 200-plus madwoman that was our so-called foster mother’s friend. This very pregnant woman smacked and cussed the girl out and she witnessed it. She testified in court and now the girl and her unborn brother have been permanently removed from the sick bitch. Yeah, some people are such shits. God’s a shit too, for allowing them to be as they are. But she helped to right what this bitch did wrong and what God allowed to happen to this poor innocent child, and she is to be commended for it big time.

Our couch and a couple of dressers are now sitting out by the street. Hopefully, they’ll be picked up sometime tomorrow while the gates are open so we can then add more stuff without being charged.

Sugar is still alive, amazingly. I didn’t realize that rats could live after a stroke just like some humans can. I guess it shouldn’t be that much of a surprise. Rats are pretty damn tough. They can eat anything, including some things that would kill a person in lesser quantities.

I’m just over 13k words now with my story and while I do intend to finish it, I don’t know if I can make this year’s NaNo by stretching it to 50k words. I guess I just tell my stories too fast. Eligible to win this year or not, it will be finished!

I was kind of surprised to find Ida yesterday on Facebook. I’ve looked for her before but she was never anywhere to be found until last night. She looks like she’s been having fun with all kinds of traveling. She’s flown into space and has gone skydiving. She’s a brave old fart, but she should still be stepped on like a bug for driving me as crazy as she did in 2001.

Why has she got herself listed as being from Nowhere, Oklahoma, though, and not Germany? Her account is mostly public and there’s no mention of any guy named Ron, which she said was the name of her husband. Any number of names and events she told me about 14 years ago could’ve been a lie for all I know.

Ida was as likable as she was not. She drove me crazy with her non-stop chatter, moodiness and fidgeting, but she sure had a lot of interesting travel stories to tell, even back then. I’m guessing she’s about 75 now and while she does look old, she looks happy and healthy. And if Facebook didn’t make it damn near impossible to contact people, she could read all about our time together and take a walk down Memory Lane.

She was a writer, too. I remember that and the article she showed me on the German castles she wrote about. I remember seeing strange notes on the desk too, during our time together. “Peephole,” said one of them, and another said, “Jodi listens to music.”

I asked her about it and she said something like taking notes to remember me by. Yeah, right. The person she claimed to be indifferent to?

I also found Molly’s newest account, which I promptly blocked. She can’t be online much these days, though. Not enough attempts to view my blog.

MONDAY, APRIL 7, 2014
I’m nearly 5k richer today. :) And of course I won’t think of the 6-plus grand my nieces got, even if each one got less than I received. I still can’t believe my mother gave her granddaughters more of the total money than her daughter. Who the hell does that? well, despite how unfair I personally may see it, I hope they enjoy it. One niece has a child, two are moving to Florida, and the others is - well - I don’t know and I don’t care.

For Tom and I… I am grateful to have that money for the new carpet and whatever else we end up doing with it since the carpet should only be 2-3 grand. We’re going to buy thin padding and cheaper carpet being just two adults in here.

As soon as Tom got in and picked up the mail and the check we ran to the bank with it. They put a hold on it till the 9th, but that’s ok.

From now on if it’s over 65° I’m not running outdoors. Running in the sun in the 70s felt like the 90s. Getting some color isn’t worth it unless I’m by the pool. Excerpting myself in the direct sunlight when it’s warm out makes me feel like I’m burning. My face felt like someone had been slapping it all after I returned home. Also, my hands swelled up and I felt my fingertips throbbing. Hmm… wonder what that meant.

We ran the AC for a few minutes to make sure it worked ok. Of course it does. We’re still under warranty. It’s after we’ve been here a year that we’ll have to worry. Tomorrow’s to be 85° so we’ll definitely need it for a while. We’ve got the heat turned off completely.

Chapter 7 is now finished, my story’s not even 12k words yet, and I’m already wondering if I can come up with enough action to stretch it to the 50k requirement for this year’s NaNoWriMo.

gazes down at her chipped pink nail polish Guess I could always do my nails while I’m thinking about it.

SUNDAY, APRIL 6, 2014
We were all set to start painting the living room but then I ran out of painter’s tape. I’m too short to edge by the ceiling but I can do the windows so long as I use a step stool.

Tom had to trim one of the dead trees in back and his arms are sore as hell, so I don’t know if we’ll do any actual painting today or not. Probably not. He feels motivated to get in as good of shape as I’m in, LOL.

Because his arms were sore, I emptied out and dragged out the two small dressers from the master bedroom and placed them in the living room. One dresser was given to us by a co-worker of Tom’s in Oregon and the other was left here by the previous owners. Sometime soon enough I plan to get a long dresser that’s more modern and more my style.

We plan to put the couch, stools and dressers out first. Hopefully, someone will take them so we can add more since there’s a limit to what you can put out. Then we’ll put the old dishwasher out and a bunch of boxes.

Tomorrow it’s back to my usual online work, the next chapter of my book, running, cleaning, etc. Maybe I’ll do some proofreading tonight, but man does reading back on some of the shit I went through piss me the fuck off. Writing is very therapeutic when you’re actually going through a traumatizing or stressful experience. Reading back on it afterward, however, can rekindle some of that old animosity towards the people who helped cause it and the God who let it happen. It’s easy to say that revenge is a bad thing and that two wrongs don’t make a right when you’re in a good mood. When you’re not, you kinda want others to know exactly what it’s like to suffer as you have. Know what I’m saying? Just a few minutes of a few people materializing in this room before my very eyes would be all it would take. :)

SATURDAY, APRIL 5, 2014
Our attempts to get a baby rat today were a bust. We went to a couple of Petco’s, but all they had were adults. Did Californians decide they no longer want pet rats or something? Of course we had to creep along the way to and from the stores some of the time because people drive so slow here. We lost most of the morning to stuff we wanted to do around here. When we got home we decided we’d cut down some dead trees in back and paint tomorrow. I don’t know if I’ll be able to get online for much of the day, but if not, that’s why.

I wonder what it is about squirrels that make us unable to have them as pets. I’ve never seen a pet squirrel for sale in the pet store. Too bad. I’d love to have one of the cuties.

No poverty dreams last night but I had another one of those infamous captivity dreams. At least it felt like I had to be where I was in the dream, but I’m not too sure. It was full of disjointed scenes. First I was looking through a glass wall case at colored paper with text on them so people could see what they’d look like with print on them. I wanted a piece of neon orange paper to write a letter on and couldn’t get anyone to help me get one.

Then I approached some woman behind some glass counter, who my dream self knew to be a bitch, and waited for her to finish talking to whoever she was talking to. When it seemed like the discussion would never end, I shouted, “I just want someone to give me a plain piece of paper!” not caring if I got in trouble for the outburst.

Suddenly, I thought some guy said, “Come with me.”

“Did you just tell me to come with you?” I asked him. He looked at me as if I were crazy and said “No” in a very annoyed tone of voice.

I walked down a hallway and out into a courtyard. I saw a few young girls in their 20s. One said, “Wow, you wasted away!” to another girl showing off her weight loss as if it was a big surprise. But I was older and I knew she was still young enough to lose the weight fairly easy enough. Bet you think you’ll be thin forever, I thought to myself with a laugh.

Then I realized I was losing weight too, because I wasn’t fed much wherever the hell it was that I was staying.

Tomorrow we’re painting the living room and that’s where my computer is. I don’t know how long it will be before it’s convenient for me to get online, and I expect the painting will take hours. Most of the time is spent taping edges and then painting along them.

I completed chapters 5 and 6 of my book because of tomorrow’s painting excursion. It took me about 5 hours to do it.

FRIDAY, APRIL 4, 2014
Made my run in 33 minutes, so I’m averaging just under 4 MPH. Wish I could bring it to 5 or 6 but not at this age/weight. Just in time, though, cuz it started raining after I returned.

I have a lot to do today, so this isn’t going to be very long. I still have laundry to do, a grocery list to make up, my book to work on, and other things. I’m pleased with how the book is going so far and will share it if I finish it.

Next door came and went 3 times in 4 hours and I wondered why the car door slamming seemed louder and more annoying when I remembered I had the window open on that side. Still, why can’t they stay put more often like everyone else around here? It’s just after 8:30, so the first run of the day should occur any second now.

We assembled the second doll case yesterday, which went faster now that we’ve already put one together. They sure are big cases. I’ve wanted one for my Summer Dream bride doll for ages and am glad she finally has one.

All that happened in yesterday’s meeting at work was that they commended everyone for doing a great job. Tom says he might’ve already gotten a raise since they didn’t announce it last year either, but IDK. I have a feeling he’ll never make big bucks no matter where he works and no matter how hard he works and the experience he has. Like something up there will let him have good bucks, but not big bucks.

Later…

“What’s that banging?” Tom asked me when I entered the room he was in.

“Jesus,” I told him.

Haha, I once won one of those mini Sexy Jesus figurines attached to a small round metal platform that is attached to a coil spring. Not knowing where the hell to put it, I just stuck it on the side of the washing machine. As I threw something into it, Jesus got hit in the head and started rocking so hard he hit the sides of it.

Tom could have worked tomorrow but decided not to since we don’t need the extra money right now and are anxious to get on with the painting. The more we do before the new carpet, the better, and we’re not getting the carpet till we get the money from Florida.

The 10th is when they do the next bulk trash pickup, so we’re going to put out the things most likely to be taken by people hunting for what usable items they can find on the night of the 8th. There’s only so much you can put out for free, so the more they take, the more we can put out. Most of what will go out is furniture the previous owners left here. If someone else can use the couch, stools and dressers – great. I don’t mind if we have to wait a while to get a new couch. We have a deluxe raised double airbed Andy can sleep on when he visits. We also want to get rid of the old dishwasher and some boxes. Some of the boxes will have old junk like the old curtains.

Sugar is still doing his “Stevie Wonder” thing as Tom calls it. He can move easier now but is still blind. Therefore, he lifts his nose straight up and sort of bobs his head back and forth like Stevie Wonder often would do when playing the piano. He was out today for the first time since the stroke but didn’t go very far. He can’t control his bowels anymore since he dropped some turds in the dining area.

My normally shy Romeo is more affectionate since he’s unable to get much attention from Sugar. His back felt a bit greasy. Definitely gotta consider getting a baby ratty to help keep him clean.

Only Kim and Deb can know if they ever got my mail/message, but why my wall post on Deb’s friend’s wall disappeared has me wondering. Did he delete it? If so, then he would have seen it and probably would’ve told Deb about it.

But why do my messages still appear as unread, and why hasn’t anyone said anything about the wall post if it was indeed seen? They probably marked the messages as unread, if they saw them, then went silent and didn’t block me in hopes of me incriminating myself, but that’s it. I’m done with the sick bitch. Typically, though, I have learned that when people remain silent and don’t react in any way, they either want to make you wonder if you got through to them, or they hope to encourage you to give them something they can get you with. Well, God knows this Mexican bitch loves to get people.

THURSDAY, APRIL 3, 2014
That silly husband of mine! I noticed yesterday that the humidifier hadn’t been cycling on and off in days. He said the wick was probably clogged with build-up, so he went to clean it out. When he did he found mold. Worried that it might be prolonging his cold, he goes and pours bleach into its tanks. Every time the fucking heat came on and circulated the air last night, the stench would wake me up.

After 4 hours of sleep, I got up, turned the damn thing off, closed the laundry room door, and sprayed the bedroom with air freshener. I still smelled the damn bleach and probably will for weeks to come.

Even Tom agreed it was overkill, and Andy said he should be punished for it, haha. I told him he could have a cold for life before he ever did something like that again. Went back to sleep for 4 more hours, but still feel a little tired having my sleep split up like that and waking up so damn often like I did. I would still rather that than the threat of homelessness waking me up. Yeah, I used to hate God only when things were bad. Now I hate Him no matter what’s going on in my life. Anyway, to get back on the subject, I now have the windows open, the heat turned off, and the central system on ‘fan’.

I’ve showered and eaten and am now running the dishes. If the park doesn’t turn our water off before it’s done, then today might be a good day. Especially if the meeting Tom has to attend at work produces the good news we’re hoping for but not expecting. We’re hopeful because we know what he deserves. We’re not hopeful because we also know life is rarely fair.

Andy told me a fascinating story of how he saw a woman in Mississippi thrown on death row that he swore he knew. He thought about it for a few days and then realized she was his dentist’s receptionist when he lived in Arizona.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 2, 2014
Alison is still having her share of health issues, some worse than mine. Then again, does it matter if they’re worse or easier to deal with? A problem is a problem. And whether you’re the only one suffering or the whole world is suffering as well, you’re STILL suffering. Period.

Not much change in Sugar but he doesn’t appear to be suffering in any way and is less jerky with his movements. Still sleeps a lot because he’s weaker. I’m sure he misses coming out to play. I know I miss his lovable, playful ways. Because they’re both old, healthy or not, we’re seriously considering getting a baby this weekend. So I’m both sad and excited. It’s sad to see these guys get old and feeble, but I’m excited and thinking, is there a cute little baby out there sitting in the store right now waiting for me to come and adopt him? What color is he and what is he like?

It rained just about every minute that I was awake yesterday. Starting to get sick of it, too. Yes, it keeps the landscapers away, but it also interferes with my running, something I’d much rather do outdoors than indoors on the treadmill. I get bored too quickly on the treadmill.

The landscapers are going to go crazy today but we need them too. There are lots of twigs and other debris all over the roads.

Earlier I decided I’d only run every other day since I know I’m not going to lose weight, which is fine, but that’s really all I need to stay where I’m at. I really enjoy running, though, so I don’t know if I can just stick to a Monday/Wednesday/Friday routine.

Got the doll cases together and could see what they meant in the reviews when they said you needed two people to assemble it. For $42 apiece the least they could’ve done was assemble the damn things.

I was not so much spooked as I was a bit dismayed to find how easy it is to find accounts you don’t want private but you don’t want just anyone to know about either if you know exactly what to look for, like certain links, phrases and names. Even things I’ve made private aren’t that private. Because they were once public, they were cached. Therefore, you may be able to pull up a few sentences of journal entries I made private by searching usernames I’ve used, even though when you click on it you won’t see anything more.

Now I’m going to finally start the second chapter of my book before it gets any later and the car doors and other things distract my train of thought.

TUESDAY, APRIL 1, 2014
Amazingly, Sugar is still alive after his stroke. I thought he was going to starve himself to death, but he’s eating and drinking. He is still blind and paralyzed and can’t control his movements. His body sort of jerks as he moves and he sometimes rolls over, not something rats do. I’m hoping to give him some physical therapy as he adapts to being a disabled ratty, the poor thing. I will never be able to let him out loose without watching him. He’s very weak and could get trapped in whatever. Rats clean each other in areas they can’t reach themselves, so I may have to get a baby to clean Romeo so he doesn’t get all greasy. Romeo’s too nervous for me to give baths to. Besides, if Sugar does die, then Romeo won’t have to be alone. Rats get depressed living alone.

I’m about to start my book, Kyla’s Secret, so that’s why this entry will be short. Then, after I manage to tap out the first chapter, I’ll do some paid surveys, take today’s French lesson, and continue revamping my my-diary blogs. I’ll explain that one later and what I finally decided to do blog-wise, after thinking about all the sites I use.

Oh, I guess I should write about the nightmare I had last night before I forget it. I was living with Maliheh, of all people. We were in what I guess was the kitchen of some small, old house. Suddenly she was freaking out, saying someone broke in the place, after finding a quarter on the floor. I told her to calm down; it was just the wind from an open window that blew the quarter onto the floor.

Then I noticed the smashed window. I don’t know why I didn’t go check the rest of the house out, but instead I panicked, too. I turned to her and said, “You were right. Get out of the house. Go, go, go!”

So we ran out the door and in a flash, we were in what looked like the upper tier of a mall. I ran toward the rail in which these wooden “handles” were extended up to us from the floor below which was a few inches thick. I jumped over the rail and grabbed the handles just a few feet beyond. The “handles” were supposed to then slowly lower me to the ground, but instead they buckled as if made of string and I went plunging full speed to the ground below. I woke up before I could hit it, fortunately. I just hope this doesn’t mean trouble is ahead for me.

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Last updated August 21, 2024