October 2013 in 2010s

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2013
I must be back with the Jes pest now seeing that I haven’t been able to get online for about a half-hour now. This is the first time in weeks that it’s gone out on me. Oh well, everybody’s Internet connection goes out at times. At least it’s not several times a day like it used to be.

Poor Andy. It’s like he’s being punished for the new washer and dryer he got a while back. First the thing leaks and causes water damage, then the painter does a slop job, and now the painter’s apparently gone and broken his bathroom door!

My next two choices as far as doctors go were an older white woman with a three-star rating and a Hispanic woman with a four-star rating. I chose the latter.

One more day till NaNo starts. I’ll be looking forward to doing that with Alison. I need to start making preparations today. I’ve got the basic plot figured out and now I have to really start developing my characters and mapping out what’s going to happen in what chapter. I probably won’t have the story take place in any particular location.

Upon going through some of my old journal entries as I post them onto various sites, I realize what a young, dumb and naïve idiot I really could be at times in my younger days, but I suppose a lot of us look back when we’re older and say the same thing. What I thought was cute, humorous and creative back then only seems so immature and downright stupid to me now. Some of it does anyway.

I also feel like an idiot for assuming that my prayers were answered once upon a time back in the 90s when I wanted so badly to believe, like so many others, that something up there actually cared about me and would listen to me. All I had to do was ask, right? And He would give. Well, I quickly realized I was talking to the wall, and I feel stupid as hell for falling for that one for a while and letting much of society’s beliefs brainwash me. Now don’t get me wrong, if you’re one of those who can actually pray for something you want and get it, more power to you. But when I look back on some of the things I asked for, I realize they really were easy prayers. Things I would’ve gotten anyway. If I asked for a million bucks and got it, that would be one thing, but really, I was asking for such simple everyday things that would’ve happened anyway.

Even the more complex prayers never panned out to anything, and I can honestly say that there has never been anything to suggest that prayer works. At least not when it comes to me. I wonder, though; is it just a case of nothing up there caring to listen to me in particular? Or do people overestimate the power of prayer and ask for things they would’ve gotten anyway? My guess is the latter. People seem to want so badly to have faith in this invisible entity that they seem to associate God with things He doesn’t appear to be at all connected to as far as I can see. I actually took offense when someone once asked me if I thank God for our new house. But God had/has nothing to do with our house! My husband’s hard work and money, along with my inheritance, is what got us this house. No God reached down, picked us up, plopped us down inside of it, and said the bill’s on Him. Tom pays for it. I clean it. Period.

Later…

Less than 24 hours and October, which is chock full of bad memories for me (plus 2 good ones), is history! At this very moment 13 years ago, I lay on a cold, hard, creaky bunk bed in Estrella Jail’s Tent City. Inside the army tent known as the “welfare tent,” because I was newly admitted and had yet to be assigned a job, I lay there depressed and angry as hell. I was also stunned out of my mind to think that words on paper could cost me so much money and half a year of my life. Of course I was still stuck on stupid or naïve or whatever you want to call it, thinking I was there for the journals I actually did send and not the letter I didn’t. I wasn’t yet aware of the fact that the pig in my case was a personal friend (or more) of the black bitch that spearheaded the legal revenge against me for the city complaint.

And so there I lay, branded a racist, which I would forcefully become, thanks to their BEHAVIOR and not their color. I’m still ok with certain individuals, but as a whole, I have no sympathy for blacks any more than I do Muslims. Blacks may not be as deadly as Muslims, but they are just as destructive. Instead of ruining people’s lives by the masses, they ruin individual lives.

13 years later in my new home in California, I sit unashamed of my feelings, which are not only based on my own personal experience, but on the experiences of others as well. Reverse discrimination is real, folks, only most people don’t want to see it. The more we keep giving them breaks – in the courts, in the job market – the more they will take advantage of us. People do what works. If we let the race card work for them, they will continue to play it and fuck over innocent people. Sure, there are always going to be some people that hate blacks simply for their color and that will unjustly fuck them over, just like there will always be those that hate gays, no matter how much more accepted gays may become in society, but most people nowadays don’t hate blacks at all. They’re the ones hating on us, but just like we wouldn’t admit it decades ago when we really did hate them, they’re not going to admit that they hate us now. Well, as one of the few who sees them for the greedy, selfish and sometimes hateful opportunists that they’ve become, I make no apologies for how I feel towards them or Muslims. I am proud to be a hater of haters!

Unlike the Muslim terrorists, I don’t want to go out and harm blacks. I don’t want to “recruit” others to dislike the people they’ve become either. I’m just a person who’s not afraid to speak her mind. You can beat me over the head all you want with yesterday’s tales of slavery, and while those were horrible times, they’ve got NOTHING to do with today. There’s NO excuse for this race card bullshit to keep going on and on and on!

Later…

We have now been here for 3 months and 3 weeks.

Right after I wrote that I chose the Hispanic doctor as my second choice, Tom tells me she too, isn’t taking new patients. sighs with frustration Since when did making a doctor’s appointment get so complicated? I just want a checkup and a lousy referral. With the exception of the dentist and a couple of specialists along the way, I haven’t had a checkup or any type of female exam since the 90s. If pick #3 turns out to be all booked up I’m going to really begin to think something up there is trying to tell me something. Like maybe to see if I can skip the GP Doc and go straight for the ear doc. We probably don’t even need a referral. Some specialists you can just go right to without going through a GP.

I’m excited about NaNoWriMo, which is starting at midnight. I should be getting up right about that time but probably a few hours before that. I created a file for my next story and jotted down some notes.

Not much left to do today. I slept forever yesterday and my schedule made a 4-hour jump instead of the usual 1 or 2, so I’m up later than I’d like to be. I’d still be on days all the time if I could, but since I can’t be, I prefer to be on nights for the peace and quiet. It’s after 9am now and it’s still quiet here, but I’m sure the daily buzz will be on any time now. I’m surprised the loud traffic hasn’t begun yet, though.

Maybe I’ll watch a movie or maybe I’ll use my dictation buddy to stock-pile some more questions on Andy’s Ask account so he can have fun with that when I’m not around. He’s going to need them when I’m in Hawaii if he’s not going to invite others to help fill in for me when I’m over there.

I’m beginning to think Andy’s new washer came with a hex on it. Ever since he got it, he’s had nothing but trouble. I didn’t know this, but apparently the last dumb cock went through his stuff before he threw his shit out and fired him.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2013
The doctor I wanted to see isn’t taking any new patients now so now I have to pick out another doctor to make an appointment with.

I finally heard from Paula. I was just entering the living room when I heard the cell phone start chiming, and it turns out that she’s just been busy though she was sick around that time I had the bad dream about her. They didn’t do the hysterectomy yet. Instead, they’re going to run more tests on her.

She said she’s going to school and I asked her what for. She said “flowers.” I asked her if she liked it and she said no. Then why are you going? I asked her, and she said because her sister’s paying for it, whatever that means. Maybe this sister just felt that she didn’t have enough to do. She does have a car but she doesn’t have Internet access.

Got in a half-hour workout earlier. Damn, I’m in good shape for a fatty! I just wish the lunging exercises weren’t so hard on my knees because they make them feel stiff afterward. I don’t know if this is because I’m doing them wrong or because of my extra weight.

Not that I want to, but last night I was thinking about how I’ve never sensed my parents’ presence or my brother’s. I’m guessing this could only be because they either don’t wish to contact me, are unable to, or there’s no such thing as the afterlife.

Sure enough, just like they have been doing much more often than I’d like since they died, they were in my dreams. Even my uncle was in one of my dreams. My father was sick in the dream and my mother had cancer. My uncle answered the phone when I tried to call my father and seemed to be thrilled to hear from me. It makes me wonder if all the dreams I have of them, even if they’re not always good to me and even if they’re not always wanted, are their way of reaching out to me from the other side. Maybe they feel that by coming to me in my dreams I am reminded of them. Not that they don’t pop into mind at times while I’m wide awake. I wish they wouldn’t, but sometimes they just seem to force their way into my mind. Usually, it will just be some random memory, sometimes good, sometimes bad.

Been busy copying journals from/to various blog sites and spending less time on Facebook. Everything there is “like” this “like” that and it really gets old. My news feed is jammed with spam and so many people post the same old shit over and over again anyway. So Facebook has really lost its shine. Glitches never get fixed and things change like crazy, though I do try to check in once a day for messages.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2013
For the longest time I noticed that of my many OD followers, one was in Grand Prairie, Texas. Having started allowing for notes over there, she noticed this and introduced herself. Turns out she’s a 74-year-old woman who has taught creative writing. She has an extensive journal of her own about her life and her family’s life as well, which she describes as warm, loving and adventurous. She’s a fantastic writer.:-)

Through an entry of hers, I linked over to this site called Prosebox. I like it a lot. I like how you can have multiple “books” as they call it over there. I plan to have a book for each place that I lived in throughout my life. So that will end up being about 10 books or so, and I might even decide to add a story or two.

Nothing exciting as far as anything going on here or in my dreams. Andy wonders if the cancer dream I had a while back had to do with John McVie being diagnosed with cancer because to him it is like death. I personally can’t imagine feeling that way about somebody that I never met, but Fleetwood Mac is one of his major passions just like blogging is one of mine. Still, I don’t think the dream had anything to do with John. I think it actually had to do with another friend of mine. Like I said before, right disease, wrong friend. We may never know, though.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2013
Got up in the afternoon to what’s been an incredibly windy day so far. Tom and I both took a walk down to the lake and fed the ducks, but I don’t know if I want to do that anymore. They got a little aggressive with us today. So much for thinking they weren’t like pigeons, but these things had no patience at all. My favorite duck ran right up to me and grabbed the bread right from my hand. When we would walk they would follow. This time there seemed to be a lot more ducks. The last two times I was there, there were maybe only about 20 ducks. This time it seems there were 50 ducks. We didn’t stay too long. The wind made the 68° temperature seem a lot cooler than it was.

Because I was stupid enough to stop my nasal spray, my allergies were bad yesterday. Not so bad that I had a runny nose, but because I did sneeze quite a bit, today my diaphragm muscles are sore. Because of that, that is why I chose to walk today instead of doing strength-training exercises that could aggravate it.

After doing some research we chose a female doctor in the area who also deals with internal medicine. She’s 55 years old and she has a lot of good reviews. She also practices close to home so tomorrow we’re going to call and make an appointment for me to get in and see her.

I hope nothing’s wrong with me but at the same time, I know that one cup of coffee shouldn’t put half a pound on the person either. It would be nice if they could find something and fix it so that I could get proper results from exercising and dieting. In the end, I have a feeling I’m going to be forced to choose between either being hungry and staying where I’m at, or not being hungry and gaining weight to the point that I lose my mobility. The thing is that I’m not eligible for a lap band or anything like that because I’m not technically obese; I’m just fat. I hope I don’t have to gain another 50 pounds in order to be able to get anything done that’s really effective and long-term.

My main reason for going to this doctor is for a referral to an otologist. The not being able to lose more than a few pounds will be a secondary thing.

While it’s not a big worry, a part of me worries that since there’s no chance of him being laid off anytime soon, something else will happen to drain our money, like maybe health issues or things breaking like crazy and aren’t under warranty but that need to be fixed. As it is Tom’s computer seems to have lost its mind and he’s dealing with that. At first he thought it was something about Firefox that was messing it up but then he discovered that it had to do with the computer itself. I guess that’s just how I am, though. I worry when things are rough and I worry when things are just fine.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2013
The Maverick operating system is now in place. Not sure if I really like it better or not. The Mac mail program looks totally different. However, I really like this speech-to-text reader. I’m using it right now. It’s not perfect but I think it does a pretty good job. It won’t be good for writing stories though.

I got both good news and bad news from Tammy. Her lungs have not gotten any worse. But due to a car accident she was in back in 1989, she needs to have a knee replacement done next month. Mark also has his own issues to deal with. It seems to be one thing after another for her. I wonder when life is going to give her a break!

Today I’m busy but I won’t be working out. I need to give my shin muscles a day of recovery. When I was using the treadmill I kept it level and did not use it on incline. My legs are not used to walking outdoors where the ground is not always perfectly flat. The terrain isn’t as hilly as Oregon but it’s not as flat as Arizona either. I don’t have to meet my ducks tomorrow. That is not what I meant to say. I was trying to say that I will take Tom to meet my ducks tomorrow.

When I went to the lake yesterday I wondered where all the ducks were. There were only a few of them in the usual spot. I gazed across the lake and then I spotted the white ducks. I walked over to them and gave them a piece of bread. They’re definitely not as aggressive as pigeons can be. They didn’t follow me when I turned to leave. One of the white ones started to swim across the lake but that was about it.
They are back from vacation next door. Tom saw their SUV when he was out hosing down the rats’ cage.

I used one of the no-soggy cereal bowls that I won. It really is a clever idea.

I have text-typed almost all of this entry. I only had to make a few corrections.

Later…

Had to go back on my snot spray. Stupidly thought that somehow my nose would remember not to start sneezing again if I went without it. But life without allergies is just a dream.

Molly tried to access my blog sometime yesterday. But she was only able to see it for a few seconds before she was redirected. Ha ha ha. Really starting to wonder if some of the questions that I would get on Ask were in fact from her and not from Kim. I guess I’ll never know for sure. Most of the time I don’t allow for anonymous questions.

Tom went to bed a while ago because he got up early. I’m not sure what I’m going to do now but I’ll probably just relax and watch some videos. Maybe I’ll even watch a movie or do some reading.

I’m up to 1996 as far as copying old journals over to Blogger goes. I also finished my glow-in-the-dark puzzle. So now I could put the new tablecloth on our round table. It’s not the greatest-looking thing but it looks a lot better than it did before with nothing at all on it.

Still looking forward to NaNoWriMo month. Part of me wishes it was time to get started now that it’s quiet. Earlier I heard kids screaming inside the house for the first time since we’ve been here. Hope this doesn’t become a regular thing. I didn’t come here to listen to screaming kids. I guess that’s just what we get for being on the edge of the park.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2013
I’m having a really shitty day today. I have NOT taken a single day off from dieting and exercising. Sure enough, though, I was up a pound when I got up. This always, always happens! I lose a few pounds and then my body fights to regain it no matter how much I stick to the diet and exercise. I just don’t understand it. I can’t lose more than 10 pounds. I’m retaining water at the wrong times of the month. Eating “reasonably” instead of half-starving myself like I have been means I would go back to a slow but steady gain, and it’s just so frustrating at times!

The body doesn’t usually behave the way it does without a reason. Something’s gotta be going on that’s tricking my body into thinking it needs to hang onto all this extra weight. Half-starving means I stay fat, eating reasonably means I gain weight, WFT??? I don’t care how I look, but I care about my health. If I go back to gaining I’m eventually not going to be able to bend over to trim my own damn toenails.

I keep hoping the problem will one day fix itself on its own. Sometimes if we don’t dwell on a problem and if we just ignore it for a while and do not let it get to us, it works itself out. But not this. No, not this. Yet every time I make up my mind that this is it, I’m going to go to a doctor and see if something’s wrong with me, I find myself hesitant. Sure I’d love to get fixed whatever may be wrong so I could get results from all this hunger and sweat other than a stronger, fitter body, but I also don’t want to deal with any more problems. I’ve had enough problems in life. I wish I could just accept myself as I am and allow myself to gain all my body feels it needs to gain from a “reasonable” and “healthy” diet, but I can’t accept getting so big that it interferes with my everyday activities. I’m so huge I can barely do high-impact exercises. What would I do if I got so huge that I couldn’t even walk? But I just want to eat like a normal person for once and quit having to deprive myself so much!

I also hesitate to go to a doctor for fear of there not being anything wrong. It’s always great to not have anything wrong with you, but if it turns out my thyroid’s fine, then what? Is this just how I naturally am? A giant who’s destined to become an even bigger giant?

I asked Tom what he thinks I should do and he said to eat reasonably and exercise moderately. Ok, so 1200-1500 calories a day and a half-hour of working out are what I’ll do then, which means back to the 150s I go and maybe even higher. sighs I’ll get used to it one of these days. Millions of others live with obesity and so can I. clenches fist with determination I will learn to accept myself one of these days and to just let my body do what it naturally wants to do. There’s no use in putting myself through so much hunger and sweat if I’m not going to lose any more weight. I am what I’m meant to be.

I feel like I’ve definitely done enough bitching about my weight as it is and that I should really knock it off. It is what it is!

On top of problems with the laptop, my K-cup brewer spit grinds all over the place for the 5th or 6th time. According to my research, these explosions are caused by too much air in the cups, so they recommend you poke a tiny hole in the tops of the cups.

It’s just been one annoyance after another today, but maybe I’ll have a better evening.

Later…

I keep telling myself I shouldn’t worry about my weight so much. Worrying about it bringing about health issues and interfering with my day-to-day activities is understandable, but look at all the 20-somethings out there who are over 200 pounds. So many of them would kill to be 145, and I really don’t look that bad for my age. I know I could look a lot worse than I do for 47, but I think I too, will one day join the ranks of those over 200. Seems inevitable anyway. For now, I’m faced with a tough dilemma. I can’t lose any more weight, but do I keep eating next to nothing and holding it where it’s at? Or do I eat “reasonably” and let myself gain indefinitely? Eventually, I would stop gaining on a 1500-calorie diet, but where and when? sighs A part of me is tempted to just get it over with and let it max out, while the other part screams, “No! Hold onto the 145 as long as you can!” But WHERE would I max out at? I think it’s safe to assume it’d be somewhere around 200-225, but that brings me to my next question – if that’s true then how the hell would I get around? How would I live? I could barely bend over to trim my toenails at 155, so how could I do it at 200??? But starving to stay 35 pounds overweight just seems all wrong. That’s practically what it would take, though.

beats head Ignorance, Jodi, ignorance. It really is bliss. If you just shut up and ignore the problem, it may very well work itself out on its own the way it was MEANT to be. Duh!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2013
Tom, like Andy, is an article junkie. He told me about one he read that talks of how they discovered another reason why animals sleep and that’s to “clean up” dirty brain cells. Well, if that applies to people, I must’ve had a really dirty brain yesterday cuz I slept for 11 hours! Went down another half a pound, too.

I went out at around 2pm today. It was a bit warm in the sun, but nice. Hazel, as I would soon learn her name was, was out sweeping away, as usual. This time, she was sweeping a small leafless area on the strip of grass across the street that borders the park from a regular neighborhood. I was surprised I didn’t hear tons of barking. Just some kids were all I heard.

I walked and jogged the 4 or so blocks to the lake and the usual dozen or so ducks that live there. There are two white ducks, but one, the largest duck of all, seemed the most curious about me. I got some good pics of my “Sugar” duck as well as the rest of the group and the lake itself. The ducks don’t just quack, but they also make these grunting sounds and this laughing sound that almost sounds like HA HA HA!

So as they laughed and cooed, some in the lake, most by the water’s edge, I saw a guy with a walking stick sitting on a bench across the lake. He got up and walked around to my side and introduced himself as Ron. Ron’s been here 20 years. He moved in when he was 55. We talked about the park, the economy and things like that. He said he’s put about 55K into his house and would be lucky if he could get 30K for it now. He said he didn’t care, though. He’s not going anywhere.

Just like us, his son and DIL used to be big spenders, taking trips to Africa and living large, till the economy sent it all crashing down around them and onto unemployment for 3 years. California is the most screwed up state, Ron said. Yeah, the state every little boy and girl from New England dreams of moving to. rolls eyes

“Kind of changes the way you handle money and makes you want to save it after a downfall like that,” Ron said.

“Oh yeah,” I told him. “My husband makes a lot of money nowadays but I’m afraid to spend a penny of it on non-necessities, even though we do have fun and have a life at least a little bit.”

He said there were also turtles that you could sometimes see on the rocks bordering the lake, but I didn’t see any. He confirmed it’s not very deep. You could walk out to the 3 fountains in the middle that were on at the time, shooting up a gentle spray of water that sounded like light rainfall.

I love it here! Best place I ever lived with or without Tom. Where could I walk safely before? In Springfield and Phoenix, there was the potential for loose dogs with a temper as well as people with ill intentions. In Maricopa there were rattlesnakes. In Oregon, there was extreme cold and snow. In Auburn, there were skunks and possibly bears. Here, I would have a better chance of winning a million dollars than being attacked by a crazy loose dog or by a gangbanger. I don’t take anything out with me but my keys anyway, but next time I go to see my new feathered friend I’ll bring him some bread.

So Ron and I were chatting when a frail woman, also with a walker, came and joined us. She appeared to be in her 90s. Her lavender pantsuit with its embroidered flowers was lovely, though I didn’t see how she could stand to be in long pants and long sleeves.

Dorothy, as she introduced herself, asked where I lived and I told her. She didn’t seem to know where that was at first till Ron said it was over by the entrance to the cemetery. Dorothy has been here for 7 years. As soon as she mentioned being worried about Hazel, who had been out sweeping till after midnight last night, I knew who she was talking about.

Enjoying the chatter, but not wanting to sit the day away and neglect my other duties, I said goodbye and left them in each other’s company, passing Hazel on the way home, methodically sweep, sweep, sweeping away.

I love walking and running out there, although it doesn’t do much for my arms and abs. Still, whenever my schedule and weather permit, I will be out there. Went out again at sundown so the sun wouldn’t be glaring in my eyes. Hazel was still sweeping and I asked if she ever got tired. “Yeah,” she said with a smile, “but I do it till it’s done.” LOL, well, if it keeps her busy and happy, why not? Hell, the woman (in her 90s?) has a better body than I do, though with little muscle and lots of wrinkles.

I could tell the ducks were used to being fed cuz they started quacking up a storm when they saw me approaching the lakeside, which was deserted and about 15° cooler. My sugared duck ran right up to me, haha. Guess he knows he’s my favorite of the bunch. He’s also the bravest so unless there’s something about me he likes, I guess that’s part of it, too. Or maybe he’s the group leader. Not sure what type of duck it is. If my research meant anything, it could be some type of mallard and has a lifespan of about 20 years. Hope Sugar Duck is young! I’ll enclose his pic in my Blogger and OD blogs. I uploaded about 15 pics on FB.

I was only at the lake for a few minutes the second time around. It was getting chilly fast and I didn’t have my glasses so I couldn’t see well. I headed back and said goodnight to Hazel, still sweeping those leaves, some real, some imaginary.

Later…

Poor Nane’s been sick with a “magen darm” virus. Of course I had to Google this to know it’s a gastro-intestinal virus, the poor girl. That’d really suck to have and I hope she’s better real soon.

I’m excited about going for this year’s NaNoWriMo with my favorite writing buddy. This runs throughout the entire month of November, so people might not hear as much from me since I’ll be aiming for about 1200 words a day on top of everything else I do. I even got a story idea after a long dry spell. Here’s the possible synopsis.

Cassandra accidentally hits a young woman with her car. She feels terrible about the incident, but she can’t report it because she’s a wanted woman. Or at least she might become wanted if she were unlucky enough. Not wanting to leave the poor woman bleeding in the street to possibly die, Cassandra’s solution is to take her in and nurse her to health on her own. Being a registered nurse makes this easier to do.

Cassandra soon learns that her patient’s name is Leanne. Leanne has some secrets of her own. As the days pass by, a strange and interesting relationship begins to develop between the two women.

I was thinking of Hit but Don’t Run for the title.

Mac OS’s are now free so we’re going to upgrade me from Snow Leopard to Maverick. Tom tried it out and said it’s pretty identical to the old version. What snagged my interest is that it seems to have the best speech-to-text program ever. It wouldn’t be good for stories and probably not even journals, but for emails and Facebook messages, it should be great.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2013
Yesterday was the noisiest day since we moved in here last July. For 7 fucking hours the park people ran their Laubsauger, as Nane said those blowers are called and it drove me fucking crazy. Sometimes not even music drowned it out unless I played it kind of loud. Even Nane’s annoyed by that buzzing. I guess they did her apartment grounds yesterday evening.

I swear, though, the maintenance crew here is Jesse’s replacement. Where I had to listen to Jesse bulldozing, building a new engine for his truck, and then building a deck, now I have to hear them buzzing, blowing, mowing and cutting up branches in wood chippers. They’re really taking this appearance thing a wee bit too far. So what if there are leaves on the ground? Leaves fall from trees. Big fucking deal.

Thank goodness for the lack of barking, welfare bums, college kids and other mainstream atrocities.

Nane fell asleep on me last night, but she didn’t stand me up. She let me know we’d chat some other time after the phone woke her up and she needed to go back to bed.

The only dream I remember took place in this house. One of the rats turned into a black rabbit like the one we had in Phoenix. When I wanted it to go home it kept running off. Finally, I was getting pissed and vowed to kick its ass once I finally got it in the cage. But by the time it did go home, it turned back into a rat, LOL.

As for Paula, maybe she’s laid up in the hospital after having the hysterectomy they said they were going to do, though it still makes no sense that she’d be gone this long.

I’m down another half a pound and was thinking of taking my morning routine outdoors and doing some brisk walking or light running. It’s just that I don’t know if I want to be outside with all that racket. For now, I’m just going to post this and at least do some housecleaning if I don’t go out. Language studies are out of the question till I’m back on nights. Whatever it is they’re doing is a huge project and it’s probably going to go on for days… until they think of something else to do around here that’s just as annoying.

Later…

Walked around the park earlier and it was gorgeous as hell. A little warm in the sun, but gorgeous. I walked briskly for just under half an hour. I’ll do my end-of-the-day workout with a fitness vid. Tomorrow I’m going back out there.

I first went to the pool and never broke my stride except for when I knelt down to feel the water. It’s pretty chilly. The Jacuzzi might be nice, but I prefer to do most of my swimming between May – September.

I left the pool and was walking up one street when I heard barking. I glanced around me but didn’t see anyone walking a dog or any dogs in open doors or windows. Then I spotted it in back of a house, which borders a common area. It was behind a white wooden fence and seemed to be unattended. I thought they weren’t allowed to leave dogs outdoors and that they had to be indoor house pets here. it made me realize there are worse places to be within the park. I’d be so, so pissed to have a dog left outdoors just a few feet away from my place. I had to deal with that shit for enough years and how it would bark at every little sound it heard. Heard a few barks on the street a few evenings ago. The dog sounded like it was being attacked, but I only heard one dog and it only barked a few times. Dogs left outdoors that bark at people who walk by keep barking long after they’re gone. God spelled backward is dog, and no matter how you spell it, they both suck shit.

Saw a documentary last night on a couple of cases in South Carolina. Now while I may be a bit of a sexist, no man should be killed just for the fun of it or just because he may piss you off. But that’s not what pissed me off about it. What pissed me off is that a white woman was charged with the same crime a black woman was charged with (beating/stabbing their BFs to death), and sure enough, the white woman went down for life while blackie got just a few years. So fucking atypical, too. I don’t understand this trend we’ve been on for too damn long now. We don’t make excuses for Muslims’ behavior when they get murderous, yet we cut deals with blacks? But why? Because a handful of them were slaves a million years ago?

Back to the park. After I left the pool, I backtracked, went past the house and headed down the back perimeter of the park. The tall, stockade fence made me confident enough that no stray dogs would jump out at me from outside the park. I passed by a frail old lady we occasionally see sweeping the street, smiled and said hello. No sooner had I thought I should check on the map to find out where the lake was when I glanced down a side street and saw it. It was beautiful. Not a soul was in sight, which was kind of surprising for such a beautiful morning. Ducks of different colors lazed around the water’s edge and I wished to hell I had my camera. Tomorrow I’ll take pics to share. Can’t wait to go walking with Tom! That will have to be on weekends or after work. He’s starting his own fitness routine next week. He, like me, is getting ready for Hawaii in a few months! Still can’t believe we’re going to Hawaii.

Anyway, I walked back home the same way I got to the lake cuz I didn’t want to risk getting lost. The old lady was aimlessly sweeping the exact same spot as I passed by her a second time.

It’s been a little quieter today, though I have heard some buzzing and hammering. Yesterday I was taking advantage of a few-minute quiet spell, closed and rested my eyes, and then they snapped open seconds later. I heard Jesse’s ATV! That damn ATV he’d ride down to bug me on with stupid shit he could’ve left a message about. I glanced out the laundry room window, and sure enough, I saw a park worker head toward the back on one of them.

Later…

Grrr… some people really annoy me at times. Someone claiming to be from India messaged me on my second MD account asking if I were interested in a friendship. If they could write in English and ask me that, then they could read in English that I don’t respond to messages. It’s weird, but in this diary’s short life, I’ve actually gotten more feedback than on my other one, not counting Kathy’s shit, of course.

Now starting to think it was Molly who asked me about the flower garden. She answered the question of the day yesterday, while I received nothing at all today, a day in which she didn’t appear to be online at all. Maybe Kim isn’t as obsessed with me as I thought she was.

Another one to get on my nerves is Andy. The more he knows I’m not interested or don’t like something, the more he’s determined to push in on me. Sure seems that way, anyway. First it’s food, which he keeps mentioning when he knows I don’t need any reminders now, then it’s blacks. He sends me an article on some nig that faced discrimination after I bitched about the reverse discrimination going on. Then he posts two nig pics in a row on Ask. rolls eyes You can’t make people see what they don’t want to see, and most people simply don’t want to believe or accept the blacks for the troublemaking shitsters they truly are. Most of them, anyway.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2013
Coincidentally or not (after the bad Paula dream and the skinny dream) I still haven’t heard from Paula and I’ve lost another pound. I’m now 145.8. I’m barely eating much, working out hard and dealing with extreme hunger, fatigue and sometimes dizziness. The body just doesn’t handle things as well as it does when we’re younger. But I am getting used to it, little by little.

What I’m not getting used to is all the landscaping around here. They have really been annoying the shit out of me both today and yesterday. The going project is to collect all the leaves. We don’t have real winters here, but we have fall. Kind of. There are some types of trees with leaves that turn colors and fall off just like in places like the northeast. Well, what doesn’t land in people’s spaces lands in the streets and the common areas, so that’s what I’ve had to listen to buzzing away. Next, I’m sure there’ll be something else. I knew that the end of the year would produce more outdoor activity. November is supposed to deliver something like 2.5” of rain. I wouldn’t be surprised if we couldn’t even bleed an inch of rain out of the sky with the way things have been. It sure would make things more peaceful around here if it could rain more often during weekdays! We’re on for sunshine and 86° tomorrow. We may need the AC in the late afternoon for an hour or two. This is one seriously insulated house, though! We’d need way more heat and cooling if we were still in the trailer. But now that we’re in a house we only need the heat really late at night.

Nane and I have a little cyber date set up for tonight. For now, my morning workout is done and the bathrooms are clean.

I was sitting here reflecting upon those who have died or who are facing serious health issues. Some of them weren’t the greatest people, but they’d stay in my life forever if forever were possible. Meanwhile, you’ve got people like Maliheh who play games with people and then discard them as if they are NOTHING and I just had to ask her if she ever has any regrets? I know I won’t get an answer, but I just wonder at times if she ever feels any guilt over those she’s manipulated and then so casually tossed aside like yesterday’s trash. How do you do that and still sleep ok at night?

I asked Aly for Molly’s Twitter handle. I want to see if I can get a sense of whether or not she’s online when I get questions on Ask, cuz I realize some of them could be from her and not just Kim.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2013
Allowed for anonymous questions on Ask a few days ago. So far I’ve been asked why I thought Kim was obsessed with me and if I have a flower garden where I live. Kim? Molly? Someone else?

It’s sunny and 70s out there right now and heading up to the mid-80s. I’m airing the place out.

I’m getting more worried about Paula, too. She still hasn’t returned my call and I still can’t reach her at her place. I’m hoping that worst-case scenario she’s just sick from the cancer treatment and is staying with her sister Brandy. Having the dream I had about her doesn’t help ease my worries, though. Neither does the one where one friend calls me up to tell me he’s got cancer while another emails me in real life to say she does.

Speaking of dreams, at least I had a positive one last night. Well, let’s just say it was kind of interesting. In it, I was walking down a mirrored corridor. I glanced at my reflection and saw that I was quite thin. While there are still some advantages to being heavy, I wonder if it means anything.

So I’m worried for Paula and pissed for Andy. Some Russian cock was mouthing off at him yesterday about not belonging there. I’d be like, “Excuse me? You’re the one in my country, so tell me, who’s the one that really doesn’t belong?” After years and years of enduring neighbors’ abuse, I think one more would literally make me come unglued and mighty tempted to make an asshole like that not even want to think of opening its mouth to me when it saw me.

Saw pics of the room we’ll be staying in in Maui and was surprised at how ordinary it looked. I’d never guess it to be a 500-dollar room. The outside, however, was a totally different story. It’s a beautiful island and the pics scream of glitz, glam and money for damn sure.

Feeling a bit weak and rundown from eating so little. My starving body needs a day of recovery, but maybe I’ll find the strength to work out later. I’m gonna have to eat something later on too, just so I can keep functioning.

They’re not back yet next door. The couple staying there took off a little while ago.

I haven’t been able to log into MyOpera and I’m sick of playing login games with them, so if anyone’s left me any important messages there, I’m not getting them.

Irene is now married, and Nane’s latest cover pic is HOT as hell. She looks so happy and carefree, and she still has a great body, too.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2013
Tom fixed the bedroom and laundry room runaway doors. The bedroom door would flop halfway shut, and the laundry room would shut completely. We got a black rubber door draft strip to put on the bathroom door to help reduce light when sleeping, but it didn’t do the trick. There wasn’t that much light anyway. Then we decided to have him put it on the bedroom door thinking it would catch on the carpet and hold itself open that way, and it worked. He fixed the laundry door using magnets.

Late yesterday morning we grabbed an early lunch at Carl’s Jr. but didn’t do much other than what we usually do when we’re home. He mostly relaxed, played games and watched TV. I worked out, entered sweeps, copied another month of journals over to Blogger, watched a movie, and did some reading and writing.

Only two days of landscaping to listen to over the last week and lots of traffic yesterday. Really hope that and the car doors are a little less frequent today. I’m just amazed we didn’t end up next to that woodworker. I mean, that’d be just our classic shit luck.

Yesterday afternoon there was a knock on the front door. I thought it was next door coming to tell us they’d returned from vacation. Instead, it was the welcome committee, LOL. Yeah, a woman (I don’t remember what her name tag said) came on a golf cart and welcomed us, even though we’ve been here a few months already, and gave us an event calendar. They have exercise classes, painting, ceramics, and a ladies’ club. The usual things listed in the monthly newsletter they deliver to the houses.

I’m not saying we’ll never play bingo or partake in any of the activities, but right now we’re content to just keep to ourselves. I’ve never been much of a socializer and again I make no apologies for what’s just me being me. Coworkers and neighbors just aren’t people we like to socialize with.

It hit us that the restaurants are going to be outrageously expensive in Ka’anapali. Like $30 a person. So we checked and there’s a McDonald’s within walking distance of where we’ll be staying. We can enjoy some fine dining and room service, but we don’t want to spend $50 - $100 a day on food either.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2013
Had a disturbing dream about Paula last night. In real life, she has two grown boys. In the dream, she had a boy and a girl between 8-10. I don’t know if she died or was going to die, but someone called to ask that we take her kids in. I tried to tell them we were in an adult community but they didn’t get it. They seemed to think of “adult” community along the same lines of an adult video or something and kept telling me that if we just kept it “kid-friendly” it’d be ok. I told them I felt someone who truly wants kids and has more money should take the kids who also live in a regular neighborhood. Besides, I added, we’ve got plans and we can’t just drop them for a couple of kids we never met even if we did live in a regular community.

In another dream, someone asked me to sing at some event the following night and I was to be paid for this, too. I was to sing to a karaoke machine and not a band. I agreed to do it and was there an hour early the next night so I could pick out what songs to sing. But then some guy handed me a list of about 12 songs they already picked out. I looked at the list and said I didn’t know most of the songs. Then I picked up papers with the lyrics to the songs and said I’d read from that on the songs I was less familiar with. They said I couldn’t do that, as it would look stupid with me reading lyrics either on paper or on a monitor, which left me wondering how I was supposed to sing songs I didn’t even know.

Tom’s thinking of getting us a 3D camera, which does videos and pics. Not sure we’d really use it that often, but if he wants one that bad and thinks it’d be worth having, then sure, why not? You can get a decent one for $200, he says.

Tom was reading about Maui and we both burst out laughing over this part that said, “Ka’anapali is all about the money. If you don’t have it, you’re not staying there.” LOL, well, it’d take us a year or so to save for a trip like this, but at least I could once win us trips like this. Hell, the staff will probably even want to run my bath water for me, haha.

The travel agent received the certificate, has bought our tickets and it’s official – we’re going to Hawaii in about 3 months and 1 week! Andy cracked me the hell up the other day saying he’ll be breaking in while we’re gone. Make sure you say hello to the rats, I told him, and he said he’d turn them loose to greet me with their destruction when I return. Haha, these rats aren’t that destructive, but I definitely don’t like to leave them out more than a couple of hours either.

While I’ll be somewhat active there, there’s no way in hell I’ll want to watch what I eat while on vacation. Vacation is simply not the time to not eat what you want when you want. But if I do that I’ll be coming home 10 pounds heavier and with an even worse weight problem. :( So… instead of taking 1-2 days off a week from both diet and exercise like I have been, I’ll be taking 0 days off till we leave. I’ll be doing a half-hour routine at the start of my day, another half-hour workout at the end, and also cutting out chips, cookies, candy and all those sugary weekend companions. It’s not the junk I’ll miss, but the hunger that’s hard to deal with cuz healthy food or not, I still gotta reduce the calories. This will definitely tell me if something could be wrong, though, cuz even Tom agrees I should be guaranteed to lose 10 pounds after a month of doing this. I just may not be able to lose 10 the next month, too.

Regardless of weight, I’ve had NO joint pain issues during my everyday activities since working out regularly. Do I think I’ll lose more than the few measly pounds I’ve lost? Probably not, but I still like being stronger and pain-free.

Still not always pain-free with my ear, though. Having to deal with it as often as I do TOTALLY overrides the joy of having the canal drilled back when I was 29. Totally. I’d take that day back in a heartbeat if I could, but it was the only way to see if I had the tumor they suspected I might have. We couldn’t know that it was the outside (they did plastic surgery in 1975 in Boston to build the outer ear) that was the problem. They dismantled the damn frame, but now I’m left with a canal that has little hearing and lots of discomfort.

Tom cracked me up yesterday when I was whining about not being able to win things like I used to. I said, “I feel like I’m losing everything I once was. The few things that were within my means to do, I’m no longer able to do. I can’t win things anymore. I’m not psychic anymore (this is mostly a good thing), I can’t sell books and am still under writer’s block, and today I even struggled with my French lesson.”

“Yeah, you’ve even been replaced as a vacuumer and have lost that job, too,” he said. LMAO!

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2013
Not much to really say other than that I’m busy, hungry and working out hard. I’m going to begin training Tom soon, but of course he’ll get results and lose more than just a few pounds/inches like I have. I know I should shut up and quit whining. A few pounds/inches is better than nothing, most older people are big, and hey, it’s better than going up and up and up, isn’t it? I just try to focus on what I do have control over and I can definitely keep myself fit and watch what I eat. Even if that means spending a lot of time being hungry. Would love to muster the will to starve me, but that would damage my metabolism even more and make me too tired to work out, clean or do anything physical. It’d be better than puking up my food, though, which is more dangerous cuz of the way it messes up the stomach and throat. Well, I’m not going to eat till I start feeling dizzy and yawning a lot sooner than I should.

Tom should have an easier time with the leg exercises cuz his legs are stronger than mine, but my abs are stronger than his, so those exercises will be harder on him. We’re about equal in the arms. Where I have a little more muscle he makes up for in bone length.

My morning and afternoon workouts come to about an hour a day of physical activity not counting any walking, chores or errands I may do, so while I can certainly say I’m fat, I definitely can’t say I’m lazy and not active enough. Once this load of laundry is ready to be tossed in the dryer I’ll do my first two rounds.

The travel agent adjusted the dates of our trip a bit. I guess the other plane was all booked up.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2013
Got more details on our upcoming trip to Hawaii. Looks like we’re going to leave on January 27th and return on February 2nd. This is a good time to go because it’s between holidays yet still pretty chilly here, especially at night.

As I told Tammy and Nane, normally I could take or leave a trip to Hawaii. I always found traveling more of a pain than fun, though I do love to fly. Well, so long as I don’t have any kids screaming in my ear. I’ve been all over the country as well as to other countries, and have lived nearly half my life in warm climates. Seeing palms, cactus and wearing shorts with open windows in December is nothing new to me. Still, Hawaiian winters have got to be a lot nicer than NorCal winters. Also, flying first class and staying in a hotel that’s over $500 a night has a way of making it much more appealing!

It will be nice having not only fewer people flying in the first-class section but sets of 2 seats instead of 3. That way we don’t have to have anyone sitting with us. Hey, two’s company, three’s a crowd. :) As always, I get the window seat! Not gonna be able to see much throughout most of the trip, but the Pacific down below.

I guess they give you a tablet with movies and stuff like that and free drinks, including alcohol, which even I may sample a bit. I never smoke and I almost never drink. But if someone’s going to pay for a week of drinking, why not? I don’t think I’d like or could handle anything too hardcore, though. You get a full meal, snacks, and that sort of thing. It’s gonna be about a 6-hour flight, much like crossing the continental US.

The weird part is that we won’t be going on one of the pretty Hawaiian planes. Instead, we’ll be on Alaska Airlines, believe it or not, with the ugly guy on the fin. I guess they go to Hawaii, too. I Googled “Alaska Airlines first class” and clicked “images.” This way I could see the seats, meals and some of the amenities.

Anyway, instead of flying into Honolulu and then taking a jumper plane to Maui, we’re flying straight to Maui. That’s why we’ve got to fly Alaska. Don’t know if we’ll be greeted at the airport with leis, but it’ll be nice having our own personal concierge to serve us with whatever. One thing they’ll be setting up for us is the catamaran sail from the western side of the island we’ll be staying at called Ka’anapali to Lanai. I thought it would be a big hotel with 15 or more floors, and it would’ve been on the big island, but on Ka’anapali, we’ll be staying in a resort that only has 4-5 floors. Don’t know the name of it, but we’ll probably be on an upper floor with a full ocean view. That’s what I’d prefer anyway, as opposed to ground-level rooms that go for about a grand a night. I don’t expect to be in the room much, but I also don’t expect to be frying in the sun every minute either, and there’s only so much shopping we can do, too. Tom cracked me up saying, we could be out all we wanted since we weren’t paying for it, but if we were paying for a room that expensive, we wouldn’t leave it for a minute! LOL

The trip has been adjusted to the 7K voucher and we’re just $100 over by adding the catamaran cruise that sets sail early in the morning and returns in the late afternoon. We’ll probably still spend thousands anyway, knowing us. Not sure what we’re going to do on Lanai Island, but that’s a problem will have fun worrying about and figuring out soon enough. :) Hee hee!

The catamaran sails about 35 people and isn’t very big. Not sure how long it’ll take to get from one island to another, but I don’t see how it could take very long. That alone, though, is going to be sooo cool and sooo much fun! Having seen the ocean since the Caribbean cruise I won in January of 2007. That was the Atlantic, of course.

sighs sadly I’m gonna miss winning like this. But all the competition out there these days has forced me to retire from my job as a professional winner. Oh well. I’ve still got my other job, which I can’t talk about. It’s not as exciting and it doesn’t pay much, but it’s a job. Part-time, but still a job. Maybe I should go back to writing stories people only want to read if they can get a copy for free. If I do, though, it’ll be for me. Deciding to share copies with friends will merely be an afterthought.

Anyway, that’s all the trip info I have right now. Not sure if we’re going to shuttle to and from the airport here in Sacramento, or leave our car there. We’ll probably shuttle. The sailing excursion is weather permitting, of course, and if there’s ever a time I won’t want to see rain that will be when we’re there unless it’s at night. Sure miss it here, though.

Later…

Did my second workout of Fitness Blender’s 100-rep workout where you do 50 in the morning and 50 more later on. Supposedly you get more toning and calorie-burn that way, but I think I’ll be forever stuck in the land of Fatville no matter what. At least I’m pretty fit. Yesterday I walked around the circle here. Wonder if it’d be quieter if we were on the other side, but Tom said we’d never want to be a few houses down. He’s got no doubt in his mind now about someone there being a woodworker. He said he could hear what sounded like a router running when he was picking up the mail. Even he thought it was annoying as hell.

IDK, I go back and forth, as I was telling Nane, from saying, “Eh, just let yourself be the way you are. If you weren’t meant to be big, you wouldn’t be.” Then I switch to, “Well, it’s too disgusting to puke your guts out after eating, not to manage highly damaging to your throat and stomach, so just starve your fat ass, will ya?” Dunno what I’m going to do yet. I just know that my body isn’t responding to diet and exercise. I lose a little bit but that’s it. I doubt I could stand to starve. Besides, if I do that then I won’t have the energy to do anything. No working out, no housecleaning, no nothing but lying in bed weak, tired and hungry. Maybe I’ll figure it out someday.

I’m more worried about a couple of friends of mine than I am for myself right now. One has breast cancer for the second time even though the odds of it returning weren’t very good at all, and another has ovarian cancer and also hasn’t called.

Alison’s the one with breast cancer, and sadly, she ended up beating the 14% chance she was given that the newest lump in her breast would be cancerous. God has been so, so cruel to her pretty much ever since I’ve known her. I mean literally one thing after another. Just when she’s beaten one thing and things are finally looking up for her, God beats her over the head with a new issue. Sometimes it’s money, but usually it’s her health. Skin issues, sleep issues, depression, cancer… it just never ends for her! :( And these are circumstances out of her control. It’s not like it’s anything she’s doing to herself like smoking cigarettes or abusing drugs or anything that she herself can control.

As has been the case with me and my weight or when things have been rough for me, praying has done her no good. That’s just a dream and she knows she’s on her own. Still, we both can’t help but wonder why these types of things don’t happen more often to the Kims, Kathys and Mollys of the world. Nonetheless, she’s in Stage 1 and is going to go through an aggressive round of chemo with a friend who’s currently fighting Stage 3. What’s scary is that she too, has dream premonitions, usually of a negative nature. Before learning of her test results she had a dream she was at the grocery store. It was Thanksgiving and she was looking for a turkey when she caught sight of her reflection in a window and saw that she looked sickly and had lost hair. She had hoped it was just her worries spilling into her dreams, but I’m living proof that sometimes our worst nightmares really do come true. Or close enough anyway.

14%, though. Damn! But hey, if we could make 12%, she could make 14%. I thought of this when she quoted percentages. Just 12% of Cali was on unemployment during the worst of the economy, and while that may be a huge number, how much is 12% compared to something like 80%? Not much, right? But we just had to be that 12%. God just couldn’t look out for us after already having been through enough shit. No, He had to see us dragged through the mud yet again, and eventually, I’m sure He’ll find a way to take us for yet another ride.

Just remembered the dream I had where Andy called and told me he had cancer. Was it really Aly in the dream? Right issue, wrong person? Weird how one friend tells me he’s got cancer in my dreams and another one actually gets it. Even stranger is that Aly’s latest cancer is in the breast they already removed!

As for Paula, I called, got her machine and left a message. It’s not at all like her not to return the call. She’s been calling the cell, and no, I don’t have its ringer on, but I check it for messages once a day. She said she’d be ok once she had the hysterectomy done, but I’m starting to wonder what’s up. Maybe she’s just too sick to call due to the treatment.

I know it’s just a matter of time before one of us gets hit with a serious enough disease. One we won’t be able to live with or hide so easily. I’m just enjoying every healthy moment that I can and so is he. I still wonder about my thyroid at times, but if I had to guess I would say it’s fine. Most of us that are older are heavy and if we could just diet and exercise it off, we would. Most of us would, anyway.

So much for thinking this would be a light period like last month. This one’s making up for it, alright.

Memory foam toppers are notorious for making people overly warm in bed. Been sleeping with a body pillow wedged between my knees to help keep pressure off my hips. Wonder if being in a “bowl” like that adds to it? Gonna do without it tonight and see if I feel any cooler. I just feel like I shouldn’t have to sleep with the fan on when the room’s only 70° like it usually is at night lately.

I aired the place out a bit earlier. Putting the central fan on sort of acts like having an evaporative cooler set to fan. I open a window in each bedroom and two on either side of the living room and it pushes the old air out nicely.

I keep hearing scattered car doors thump shut, but I never see anyone coming or going, so where are they all coming from? In back? There are no windows in back, so I couldn’t say for sure. They’d have to be in the street, though, as there are no driveways in back. I’m surprised no one’s been to see the house across the street.

Tom walked up to me this morning and said, “You’re gonna be pissed at me.” I looked at him and he said he thought the MagicJack expired in the spring. Well, it automatically renewed itself just the other day. I was pissed at first, but as he pointed out, the $30 is worth the convenience of getting email alerts and then playing Tammy’s messages online. Maybe we’ll look for a thing that will allow us to use it without the computer without so many damn problems. I don’t have it activated right now, so she or Andy or whoever could leave a message and I wouldn’t know it without that email alert. I don’t know if I’d be alerted, though, unless they left a message. For now, people can call the MJ and I can call out on the cell.

My iced tea brewed much better this time now that I had enough ice in it. I want to get regular ice cube trays. I had these rubber things that make long skinny pieces of ice. They’re too much of a bitch to get out of the trays. They’re for putting in bottles anyway.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2013
Made copies of the travel certificate and Tom will insure it and express it to the travel agent in Boston on his way home from work. Still don’t know exactly where we’ll be or when or for how long, but we should have this information within a week or two.

I’ll be sending postcards to Tammy, Andy and Nane so far that I know of.

Nane said her mother has visited Hawaii before and loved it. Being the travel fanatic that she herself is, I’m still surprised she’s never been to Cali, LOL. I told her so, too.

Decided to stretch my legs outdoors in the fresh air once it warmed up late in the morning yesterday. I walked around the park and chatted with a few people. Maybe I’ll walk outdoors again today or just exercise in here. Don’t know yet. I suppose I could do both.

My periods are coming later and ending up lighter. I wonder if menopause could be setting in. Tom says the increase in exercise can cause this as well. True. I’ve heard that some athletes don’t even get periods at all. Nonetheless, I may not be able to lose weight without starving, but I can at least keep from getting any huger. I don’t even want to think of the day I eventually can’t even do that anymore, but I suppose there will eventually come a day when I’ll wish to hell I could weigh what I weigh now.

I not only like the way exercise keeps me from gaining more weight but the strength and energy I get from it as well. I’ll be able to walk along the beaches in Hawaii, go swimming, browse through stores… and not feel like I ran a damn marathon.

I was in for quite a landscaping marathon yesterday. Hope it’s more peaceful today.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2013
Sure enough, the instant I allow anonymous questions on Ask, Kim asks what made me decide to go public – the same shit she asks me every time. Originally I was going to manipulate her questions and change a question like that to “What made you decide to go public so I can easily harass you?” but decided she’s not worth the effort. Leaving it anonymous only leaves an easy connection going between us that I don’t want, and eventually, Kathy and company will come trickling through the door, too.

She is one champion liar, though. Aly said some chick named Gabby (who Aly also dumped for defending Kim and being too much like her) said Kim swore on FB she hasn’t been to any of my pages in over a year. I never met anyone like her before in my life that could lie like that. Just one lie after another after another. Only other people make mistakes. Meanwhile, Kim M can do no wrong. Seriously she has no sense of remorse or guilt and has NEVER owned up to or apologized for any of her lies. Ever.

Talked to a friend that’s around the same height and age. She too, has to withstand 1000 calories just to lose a few pounds, active or not. That week it takes her to lose it seems like a month, and one extra bite – just one extra bite – sends it all hurling back on in just a day. 20 years ago she could just cut back a bit, eat healthy, and off it came. I can relate!

If you can stand 1000 calories every single day, week after week, month after month, you are AMAZING! Me, all I want to do on that is lay in bed feeling weak as hell and moaning with hunger pangs. I can practically feel my brain shut down. 1500 is as low as I can go.

Big or not, I’m still keeping fit and working out. Exercise still helps to at least keep my weight from going any higher and I have so much more energy! My strong points are the ab and arm exercises, but my weak points are in the legs. Especially anything that’s high-impact and requires jumping. Tossing a 145-pound body up in the air over and over again is no easy task. For those exercises, the extra body weight works both for and against me. It bogs me down but also challenges me and helps make me stronger cuz it’s like wearing built-in ankle/wrist weights, as funny as that may sound. If you’re lying on your side doing leg raises, then you’d have to be severely obese to struggle with something like that.

What’s scary is knowing that someday I’m going to get too old to do this shit, and then what? If I were forced to sit on my ass due to illness, injury or age, my weight would skyrocket to the point where I probably couldn’t bend over and reach the floor. And I wouldn’t have to make a pig of myself or eat much junk to do it either. 1500 cals sitting on my ass? I don’t think so! I’d have to drop to at least 1200. Not that much easier than 1000. :( Oh well. As all those sayings go – Make the best of it… Change what you can, accept what you can’t… Look at the bright side…

My bright side? I can go to the pool or beach in Maui all by myself if Tom didn’t feel like going at the moment and no pervert’s gonna undress me with its beady little eyes and maybe even pester me to the point of wanting to drown it. :)

Anyway, Miss Fat-n-Fit is going to hope today ends up as quiet as yesterday was. I doubt it will, though. Today’s the day they usually do yard work on a couple of houses in front.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2013
Tammy left a couple of messages yesterday. Due to Mark’s heart troubles, they’re not sure if he’s going to be able to run their side business or not, but they recently renewed their business license, so hopefully he’ll be able to do some work. She said business usually slows down at this time of year anyway. I asked if she thought they’d have to move to a smaller place that’d be easier to maintain and she said they loved it there and don’t want to leave. Well, then let’s just hope nothing ever forces them to have to do so!

Apparently, Lisa (her oldest who will soon be 31) has claimed responsibility for the shit she’s pulled on the others and is trying to patch things up with her sisters. I guess she was into lying and stealing and would constantly cancel out on plans they’d have.

She’s “afraid” to call Tammy, though, and Sarah told her that’s messed up and to just hang up if she says something she doesn’t like. Yeah, well, Tammy does get a bit scary when she gets pissed. Even Tammy herself admits she isn’t going to just be quiet about it if she’s stabbed in the back. She doesn’t have to be quiet about it, I told her. It’s ok to get angry and to tell the person why you’re pissed, even though they’re probably going to deny things and counterattack, cuz that’s just how people are. What’s not ok is revenge and bullying. People should just ignore those they don’t get along with and they should respect those that tell them not to contact them.

I think Tammy has recognized the error of her ways in the past and has admitted this as well. She loves Lisa but doesn’t like the person she became and said she’d be willing to move on if things could change from here on out. But that’s just the thing and I warned her about it, too. Lisa may never change. Anyone can apologize for doing something wrong. Anyone can. But can/will they change? People aren’t going to simply up and change because we may want them to or because we tell them to. They are who they are and only they can change themselves. It’d be like someone demanding I lose weight when I’m content with my bigness.

I have found that the more fall-outs I have with someone, the less likely things are to go well indefinitely, so I adopted a 2-strikes-you’re-out rule. Sometimes just 1 strike is enough if it’s serious enough. Blood-related or not, there are too many people in this world we actually DO get along with to waste time on those we don’t get along with, but hopefully things will eventually work their way out and stay that way. Maybe they really can get along from here on out, but one thing I do know for sure is that I’m not going to get involved in any disputes. I’m no one’s mediator!

When Larry casually called me in the 90s, I was like, hey buddy, YOU dumped ME. So since you’re the one who threw me away like yesterday’s trash why should I carry on with you as if nothing ever happened?

But I was still young and naïve at the time and didn’t respect myself in the way that I do now. In 1999 that all changed when I promised the hypocrite we were done forever. I meant it too, and was pissed as hell when Mom threw him on the phone like she did after Dad died. My anger toward him eventually petered out and left me numb and indifferent where he was concerned, and his death didn’t touch me any more than a stranger in Ohio would. It did shock me a bit, though, cuz it was so sudden and unexpected and we had just lost Mom and Dad.

For Tammy’s sake and for Sarah and Becky’s, I hope Lisa’s apology is sincere and that things can go forward in a positive way. If not, ignorance really is bliss. Who needs bipolars, liars, thieves, phonies and those with trust issues that can’t even believe you if you tell them it’s cold out when there are better choices out there?

Lisa’s had the same BF for 10 years that she’s now engaged to, which is part of why she contacted her sisters. I’m kind of surprised they never had kids, but hey, not everyone wants them. She also has a good-paying job as a nursing assistant. Not something most would want to throw away when you’re still young and have time to press the ‘pause’ button of your life for 18 years to go raise kids. It’s her life, though. Anyway, she wants Sarah to be her bridesmaid.

I hope it works out for them, but I have had Lisa’s account blocked for some time now. Lisa was VERY rude to me and not just rude, but downright crazy. Molly kind of crazy. I don’t want or need that in my life. People can change, but I don’t know that she has because I’m not in touch with her. I know she has NO self-respect whatsoever cuz she kept in touch with Bill, the man who abused her, long after she was obligated to in any way, and that pretty much tells me something about her right there. Once you become old enough to know right from wrong, that only leaves one horrible probability and that’s that you actually like or get off somehow on having negative people in your life. Lisa would really have to earn her way back into my life and that’s going to take some time. Let’s just see what happens with her immediate family first.

Later…

I get so damn sick of forgetting where I last left my glasses and having to hunt them down that I wish I could say, “I’m NOT going to give into my shitty vision anymore! I’m going to quit being so dependent on glasses, conquer my blurriness and learn to focus on my own.” But it doesn’t quite work that way. :( Sure wish it did, though, at least with some things.

Just a few hours before the banging and the buzzing of LV begins. I’m sleeping much better overall regardless of schedule, but still have yet not to find myself annoyed, or at least distracted, by cars and landscapers. The bumps and bangs of the car doors are too much like cabinets and doors going bump in apartments.

Meanwhile, I dyed my hair, which is now brown to about where my ears are. The rest is brown-black. I thought the gray roots would blend better with brown vs. black, so that’s why I lightened it a bit.

I’m going to take better shots of my face for a few people this morning. Not even makeup hides that never-ending redness I have, but according to my research, it’s probably rosacea, which is common in middle-aged fair-skinned women. There’s not much you can do about it, but as far as I know, it poses no health threat. Our insurance deductibles roll over in November. When I make an appointment with my primary care doctor in regards to seeing an ear specialist, I’ll ask them about it. I just hope I don’t have any issues with my heart, diabetes or thyroid. I don’t think so, though. Ok, so I’m big, but I’m not that big.

Speaking of my ear, we think it’s been worse because it’s been so damn dry. Not only that but having central AC dries out the air, too. The cooler we had in the trailer put some moisture in the air. But the fucking thing that never should’ve been messed with not just in Phoenix but in Boston as well, can’t shed dead skin on its own and the canal needs regular drops of baby oil to keep things soft and the pressure down.

We have a little more in the way of clouds and wind, but otherwise it’s all low-80s and sunshine for us all week long here. I sometimes hear the new wind chime I got by the master bedroom at night. It’s a wooden one. I had a wooden one for 7-8 years that broke during our final months with Jesse, so now I have a new one.

Saw the couple that’s been staying next door. Yeah, staying there. When Tom said Virginia said their son would stop by, I didn’t know that meant they’d move in and live there, but they’ve been quiet. I just thought he’d be a bit younger. They both looked to be in their 50s or 60s. The woman’s hair was 100% silvery white.

They were doing something out front on Saturday. I worried for a minute that it would be a noisy, all-day landscaping project, but they were gone as quickly as they appeared. They keep a similar schedule but have different habits. They keep the garage door shut when they’re home and often have the garage light on. You know you’re not in the country anymore when you can see its light softly shining in the bathroom.

Figured out what I want to do for each room. It’s just a matter of time and money. If we do too much too fast it could really drain our savings.

As I told my sister, that’s not wallpaper in our kitchen. That’s the design on the actual wallboard itself. We had this in our Maricopa house, too. A blue floral design I chose for the kitchen and baths (my only other choice was boring).

I’ll probably leave the cabinets and counters as they are. They’re in good condition and aren’t an ugly color. But I’m getting kind of sick of the wall design, so I might eventually paint the walls a deep turquoise blue. I think sunny yellow would contrast with the maple in a way that would clash. If the cabinets were white, then yellow would look great. Turquoise will be a nice deep, rich shade like the maple is, but in a way that contrasts nicely. At least in my opinion anyway, LOL.

The kitchen and baths all have different wall designs and I will probably keep the designs in the baths as they are. What I don’t get is why they didn’t do the entire rooms. The back walls of the baths are a solid color, so I’ll probably just throw a fresh coat of paint over that.

The new carpet will probably be crème colored, the only neutral color I can really stand. Right now there is too much brown in here. Crème will really brighten the place up. Carpet and paint are our top priorities and we hope to have this done by the summer. We will hire someone to do the carpet and re-floor the kitchen, laundry and second bath, but will do the walls ourselves.

The final touches will be new drapes. The only rooms to get new drapes/curtains are the master bedroom, kitchen and laundry area so far. The kitchen walls will probably be done last. Its floor is in horrible condition and we can’t wait to replace it! The laundry/second bath floor is in ok condition but is so ugly it makes me want to cry. Too orangy. How could anyone choose such hideous colors? Never cared for gray, gold, orange, olive, brown, navy, maroon, dark green and shades like that. Dull and depressing.

The master bed is going in mint green to contrast with the raspberry curtains. The second bed is going to be pale pink flowers on lavender. I’m getting a pattered paintbrush to do this with. It’ll look like wallpaper. The reason I decided to pattern that room is cuz that room is mostly used as Tom’s office and he doesn’t decorate the walls in there. It would look funny having my butterfly decals on a patterned wall, wouldn’t it? The rest of the place will probably have off-white walls. The only area they left the original brown paneling in is the laundry room. Not gonna paint things like the built-in bookcase or the hutch.

Our front door is just a plain brown door, but that’s ok. Prettying that up is not nearly the priority that the carpet and walls are. We also want to get a second car in the spring, so we’ve got our money tied up for quite a while.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2013
I looked at my new pink shimmering body spray with its tiny bits of glitter in it and its flowery smell and said, “That’d be a great thing to take to Hawaii with me.” Then I burst out laughing. Did I say Hawaii? Did I really say Hawaii?! Not sure which is more surprising, knowing we’ll soon be on a plane in a few months, or that we actually survived to be on that plane in a few months.

I’m glad we were able to get the Italy package changed to one of the Hawaiian packages. Italy would’ve been interesting enough despite the bigots that live there, and a chance to meet Nane would’ve been nice if she could have dropped down from Germany to meet us, but the weather wouldn’t have been nearly as nice and the scenery wouldn’t have been nearly as pretty. Also, a 12-hour flight that jumps 9 hours ahead would’ve been a lot harder on us than a 6-hour flight that jumps 3 hours back. At least I think that’s what it is when I look at the world time zone map and compare Los Angeles to Honolulu.

Tom and I were discussing postcards from Hawaii and I said I guess I’d have to address it to München, Deutschland instead of Munich, Germany if Nane wants one. He laughed and said no, if you’re sending it from an English-speaking country, you’d need to address it to “Germany.” I could write the rest of the card in German, though. :) Lucky me, huh?

What will probably be in late January, we’re going to the island of Maui. The town’s name is Ka’anapali. The name of the resort we’ll be at is the Sheraton Maui Resort in Kaanapali, Hawaii. We decided to skip the two-day stay in Honolulu that included a 4-hour tour of Pearl Harbor as part of the 8K package she presented Tom with in an email. But we not only don’t want to go over the 7K voucher since we’ll have to spend enough money on things like food, souvenirs and things like that, but we don’t care about Pearl Harbor. I just want to go to the beach, swim, eat, shop, relax… that sort of thing. So we’ll probably skip the main island altogether, though I think we might have to fly into Honolulu and then transfer to Maui.

Looks like we will indeed be flying 1st class and I guess we’ll also be in one of the luxury rooms with a full ocean view. Still haven’t got all the particulars worked out yet, but as I told Tammy, we’ll probably list her as an emergency contact, and well, if our plane goes down and we perish at sea, our house and belongings are all hers. LOL, I’d say we’d have a better chance of winning the lottery. My dreams would also probably warn me of impending danger. They usually do.

We’ll take the laptop and the Kindle, though I doubt I’ll be online. It’s nice to have access to the bank accounts and all that, but who wants to be online during vacation doing the same things they always do? I may take the time to at least leave a quick “we’re here” status update on Facebook, but that will probably be it. I’ll take notes and then type up and edit journals for my blogs when we get back.

The trip is probably going to be for 6 nights and 7 days instead of the 3-4 nights we’d prefer, but manipulating my schedule for a week isn’t that big a deal. It’s maintaining it that’s the problem. A week in Hawaii will seem like nothing compared to many months of dumpy motels. I HATE leaving the rats for a week, but they will have extra water bottles, tons of food, and each other for company.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2013
Since I believe in fate (at least I think I do), but not prayer, let’s just say that I hope tomorrow’s lumpectomy goes well for Alison. There’s only a 14% chance, she says, that the cancer could return, so hopefully she’ll fall into that minority. That girl’s had enough shit in the health department.

As for yesterday’s black/white rant, the statistics are there. My feelings and opinions aren’t something I simply chose at random to believe, but are based on actual facts. Blacks make up for 80% of the crime committed in this country regardless of state, region or climate. Why people choose to ignore this, make excuses for them, or go easier on them beats me. From what I’ve heard, many courts are afraid to go as hard on them as they do whites for fear of either being sued for racism or inciting a riot. They are favored in most courts and in most job markets as many feel they “deserve a chance” after the hell they went through 50 years ago. Again, I don’t know what 50 years ago should have to do with today, or why they think they don’t have just as much chance at success as anyone else if they work hard enough toward their goals, but life isn’t always fair. People aren’t always honest. Many employers that have to choose between a qualified white and a not-so-qualified black, WILL take the black. Same with men vs. women. Men really do tend to get favored over women. But don’t take my word for it. Go research the stats and make your own decision. I’m just responding to the question about what makes me believe the way I do. Tall people really do tend to be favored over short people, people really do prefer blonds even though they call them dumb, and men really do get paid more than women. Denying this or playing this down won’t make it go away. What I don’t get is why attitudes toward color have changed while gender hasn’t.

If I were an employer I wouldn’t care that your great-granddaddy might have been a slave. I’d only care that you were qualified to do the job! And having a dick between your legs wouldn’t make the numbers on your paycheck any higher than my female employees unless you had seniority or a job that paid more regardless of anything else.

Meanwhile, just like with the Muslims out there, I’m only what they themselves have made me, and I’m beyond sick of their shit. They whine, bitch and complain, but no matter how much we give them, NOTHING is ever good enough. Where it’s an automatic response to go “Ouch!” when something hurts, they automatically cry “Racism!” as soon as someone white doesn’t see eye to eye with them or give them what they want. Again, not trying to sway anyone’s mind left, right, up or down; just telling you like it is. They are loved, favored, accepted and protected with rights whites never had or will have throughout most of the country. I know this. I just don’t think it’s right to favor any particular group is all.

That Sugar ratty of mine is a real little devil. Romeo’s too stupid to figure it out, but Sugar’s figured out how to open the door of the cage if I forget to latch it. Last night I unhooked the door, but neither rat seemed interested in coming out to play just yet and was still asleep in their tube.

I suddenly felt the need for a nap. A rarity for me. So I went and lay down. At one point I thought I heard movement in the room, but didn’t think much of it. I drifted off for two hours. When I got up I saw that Sugar wasn’t home and so I called to him. When he didn’t come to me I thought maybe he managed to squeeze under the laundry room door. Rats do come with collapsible rib cages, after all. I knew then that he must’ve fallen asleep somewhere since they usually come when called, especially if they hear plastic rustling where their food is kept.

So I just let it go for a while… and then I heard paper rustling behind me. That was when I realized the little Diablo fell asleep in a box with packing paper I left out for them to play in. I’m just glad this is one of the least destructive rats we’ve ever had. Romeo isn’t that destructive either, despite being a biter, but I’d still rather Sugar be the escape artist and not Romeo.

Since it’s unlikely I’m going to get any smaller due to age and genetics and all that fun stuff, I think I’ll dye my hair this weekend and take a current pic of myself. No, I didn’t get as small as I’d like, but I am smaller, healthier and fitter and not half bad for one who’s almost 48.

My buttered popcorn incense doesn’t smell like buttered popcorn, but it sure is good. Burning the Bump & Grind now, which has a mild fruity smell to it.

Later…

Had another emotional moment (in a good way) when I did something yesterday morning that I should’ve done 3 months ago when we first moved in here. As I stared at the dingy 30-year-old curtains hanging in the kitchen and laundry room, I remembered the curtains and valances I had picked out for our Maricopa home nearly 14 years ago. I almost gave them up when we lost that house because I never thought we’d own again, and hanging them in dumpy rentals just didn’t seem right. So I pulled them out and here they hang, in a home that is once again ours. Ours until God takes it away from us just like… no!!! I’m not going to think like that. At least not right now.

The curtains look great in their new home. Only difference is that 14 years ago I could admire them without glasses.

The house across the street is for sale again. The same lady who sold this place is selling it.

Getting sick of fish and eggs, so I think I may take a week off from the low-carb scene. There are only so many low-carb foods anyway. So this week will be full of no-nos like potatoes and pasta. I’ll still have some meat, fruits, veggies and dairy, though. I just get sick of the same old, same old, and like variety. I’m not going to lose any more weight anyway, based on how long I’ve been where I’m at. That’s ok. As they say in the fitness videos, it’s not all about what the scale says, and any changes you see on the outside after eating healthy and exercising are just a bonus. Well, I’m no skinny mini, but I think I’m doing pretty damn well for nearly 48 years of age. I feel fantastic! Hanging those curtains, especially the ones over the kitchen sink, would’ve been tremendously hard on me back when I was out of shape and on the edge of the obese range. Now I’m no longer obese, and although I could afford to lose more, it’s ok if I don’t.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2013
Drinking blueberry coffee now and finding it surprisingly good, even black. Didn’t think I’d like it at first. To me, the thought of mixing coffee and blueberry was like adding ketchup to a tuna fish sandwich. I usually detest black coffee, too.

You could say I’m totally hooked on my new coffeemaker and K-cup variety and glad Tom got the thing after all. Some of them come creamed and sugared, so I wouldn’t need to buy sweetener and creamer anymore.

Anyway, in regards to yesterday’s entry about why/how we ended up in Jessetopia for half a decade, Andy sometimes inspires me to do entries based on things he doesn’t know much about since they occurred during the time we weren’t in touch with one another. I’ve considered him my best friend since I was 22. Even during those times I wasn’t around (still feel horrible about that), and I realize at times that if my best friend doesn’t know/get a certain thing about me, then my readers probably don’t either. So that’s why I took the time to explain more.

I’m not going to explain every little thing, of course, but when a friend told me she started to read my journal from the very start, beginning in 1987, she found it hard to follow. This got me thinking. I was not only a shitty writer back then and nearly as fucked in the head as Kim in some ways (though I wasn’t delusional and I was always me), but I wrote the journal in ways only I could understand, having no idea I’d one day digitize them for all the world to see. I abbreviated in many ways and was vague about things because I knew what I was talking about. So now that they’re checked for errors and sensitive info and posted, maybe I’ll go through some time and make them more readable and understandable to a total outsider who’s never met me. I have left the original copies in Word in their original state other than to correct typos.

I have been dreaming of my parents more often since their deaths in 2012, and I don’t know why. I don’t miss them, so why are they popping up more often in dreams? Is it their way of reaching out to me from the other side? Something else?

In last night’s dream, they gave me a fancy restaurant. I thought it was beautiful with its fancy tables and chandeliers. I looked around it and said, “Wow! Look at all that glass and crystal.”

Then I wondered how I would manage it and clean it all by myself. My mom said something like, “I thought about that…” then finished off with something inaudible.

Dad was teasing me on and off and joking about this and that, and some older guy kissed me romantically. I wasn’t really into him and didn’t seem to know Tom.

Although my weight, and especially my inches, continues to go down, I’m still not sure the pills are having much effect on me. I need another week or two to decide. I’m just glad I haven’t had any side effects, but if I’d read that there were any known side effects, I wouldn’t have gotten the stuff. It does seem like it might be suppressing my appetite.

It has continued to be super dry here and we suspect that may be why my bad ear has been worse. Just maybe we will head for Florida someday when he retires. If we end up having a third dry winter in a row, then I’d say this place is definitely heading toward becoming a desert of sorts. Global warming is supposed to affect different areas differently. It may not get as hot as Arizona, but it’s definitely getting that dry. Even my skin can feel it. Just like down in Arizona, I have to apply tons of lotion regularly.

Pulled up some unfinished manuscripts and can’t decide whether or not I want to try to carry on with unfinished stories or start anew. IDK, maybe my time with that is done.

Later…

A few days ago on the 4th, I became smoke-free for 16 years. At the end of the month, I will have kept a journal for 26 years. When I read back on my life in the 80s and 90s, it’s hard to believe I was that same person. Then again, I could say the same thing about the person who lived like a bum in a trashy old trailer not so long ago.

Well, that person and her hubby are going to Hawaii probably at the end of January or early February. Tom called the travel people and was a little worried the company I won it from no longer existed, but they just changed their name. After giving the woman he talked to the numbers from the travel certificate, she verified that it is indeed still valid. A good thing since we did pay hundreds already on taxes. We need to mail her the certificate before further arrangements can be made. We’ll probably send it UPS and insure it for about 2K. That way, if they lose it and we don’t get the trip, we at least get more paint and carpet. :)

Not yet sure where we’re going in Hawaii as of yet, or for how long. It will probably be for a week, and I swear to God… if there are any screaming kids next to us or behind us I WILL have them moved. I’m not going to be screamed at all the way to Hawaii, though I do intend to take the laptop, the Kindle and a good pair of either earbuds or headphones. Still, no one should have to put up with such shit simply because most parents these days are too lazy to control their own kids or leave them home till they’re old enough to act civilized. Battling my schedule throughout the trip will be enough of a hardship, though one week is NOTHING compared to the 8 months we got stuck in motels when we first came to Cali.

From what she said, the islands tend to differ from one another. The main one is very city-ish while others are remote and jungle-like. I’ll take the remote one, though we may go island hopping while we’re there. We do love to fly if no one’s screaming in our ears. Just as long as we don’t go to any with tall mountains. I had enough cold, snow and tall mountains in Oregon.

I was browsing through some fitness forums, and amongst the usual perverts was an article on why you can’t just go up and get a thigh gap just because you want one. A lot of people think it has to do with how much you workout, diet and pull the muscles taught when in fact it really has to do with your bone structure. I figured as much. In other words, I have narrow hips and so a thigh gap is out of the question for me. I never had one. Not even at 100 pounds. Never had a thin face either. The area where my cheek and jaw meet is too wide. My face always appears quite round no matter what.

How come diet pills only seem to work for others, though? I’ve seen rave reviews on Raspberry Ketones, Alli (this would’ve helped me if it hadn’t been for the nasty side effects), and green coffee bean extract pills. The latter seemed to help with water retention, but now I’m not so sure anymore. I guess that if I can’t lose any more weight, then I was just meant to keep it. As long as I don’t return to where I was a couple of months ago!

I was kind of surprised when Andy said blacks weren’t favored where he lives. There are more blacks in the east than the west and they seem to be favored everywhere since the 90s. Then again, they definitely are favored in the West more so than the East. I think all minorities are except for gays. Don’t let Arizona’s immigration law fool you. Yes, they may be serious about cracking down on illegals, as it should be, but Mexicans are just as quick to play the race card as blacks and just as quick to be believed, sided with, and protected in ways whites aren’t.

When I was first hauled into jail, thanks to the white-hating welfare bums that lived with us and some help from their equally black, corrupt cop pal, I expected most inmates to be black. That’s what we see on TV and that was the image I carried with me into jail… until I saw that the vast majority of them were actually white. Once I got a taste of what it was like to be the victim of reverse discrimination, I knew it wasn’t because white people caused more trouble. No, the blacks and Mexicans were causing just as much – if not more – trouble than everyone else. The difference was that they were the ones getting away with it if not getting much lighter sentences.

Upon my vindication, Tom lost his job and we lost our home. I was never full of such mixed emotions as I was the day we knew for sure we were going to lose our home if we didn’t hurry up and sell it to the investor we sold it to. So sad was I for obvious reasons, but so relieved was I because I felt like we were mere sitting ducks. There was no doubt in my mind that they had our address or could at least get a hold of it. Nor was there any doubt that it was just a matter of time before they set me up and raked the coals over my ass yet again. I just thank goodness Tom wasn’t in the interrogation room the first time around. That pig would’ve thrust the same threatening letter he typed up (or that the “victims” received from someone else they pissed off) into his hands as well, getting his prints on the thing right along with mine. It was bad enough that I had to go down for half a year, but really damn scary to think it could’ve been him as well, since he was/is the breadwinner.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2013
LOL, Aly told me Kim tried to add Molly on Facebook and Molly tweeted that Kim is “a not-so-nice person that has problems that needs to be checked out.”

What amazes me is that neither Kim nor Kathy has tried to contact me on MD or Ask, though they can’t do it anonymously on Ask right now. I’m also surprised they, along with Molly, haven’t tried to override my blog block. All they have to do is reset their IP. I can’t believe Kim and Kathy haven’t been to MD, so they must’ve bought my claims of not picking up messages there, plus they see no new updates in a while, which makes the account look more abandoned.

Aly says she’s thinking of getting back into blogging again which would be nice, even though I know she won’t stick to it or will change accounts every other minute.

Been waking up a lot lately after just 3-4 hours of sleep. I need to take Melatonin to put myself back out since I’m still exhausted, but not able to fall back asleep right away. Like most people, I wake up a few times during my sleep for a minute or two, but this is a lot longer than that. So rather than lay there exhausted, I let the Melatonin put me back out so I could get my usual 8 hours. Slept closer to 10 hours yesterday but really needed it because I was dragging all day yesterday. Before I crashed yesterday, it was nice to be able to dust, then say “ok, I’m done,” and jump into bed and read while the robot did the vacuuming.

The K-cup sampler pack came. There is enough coffee, tea, hot chocolate, perfume and nail polish in this house to last till he retires!

It’s too soon to say whether or not the green coffee bean extract pills are helping with water retention, but they might be. I sleep in just my panties, so when I got up, I noticed right away how much more I seem to have lost inches. Even Tom sees it. My upper gut is almost flat again and now even my arms and hips seem to have diminished a bit. For the first time in ages, I was able to put my arms straight down at my sides and see a straight drop-off from the edge of the shoulder to the wrist instead of a half-moon. I haven’t been measuring inches, so I can’t say how many I’ve lost, but it seems like I’ve lost more of those than pounds.

Definitely looking more fit, too. People often associate thinness with being fit and that’s not always the case. I’ve been thin and in shit shape before just like I’ve been fat and fit which is what I mostly consider myself right now. I’m not huge, but I could still stand to lose another 15-20 pounds.

Even my face is losing its moon shape, and my cheek and jawbones are becoming more prominent. Then again, I have one of those naturally round-shaped faces that can look fat even at 120 pounds. It’s just my bone structure, I guess.

Oh well. I look how I look. It’s how I feel that matters most to me. Definitely feel stronger and more flexible than when we moved in here.

Yesterday I was just too beat, but tonight, once it gets a little cooler in here, I’m going to attempt a killer 1000-calorie workout. I just do what I can and improvise on some of the jumping exercises that get too rough on me.

I like being on nights better in this place cuz then I can sleep through the landscaping sounds and water shut-offs without having to worry about the Jes pest. I said to Tom this morning before he left for work, “Now you know that if I were crashing at 6am on a day set to be 85° I’d have to kick the cooler on and not only sleep with a window open and a mask on to block the light, but I’d be stressing over Jesse, too. Instead, I could sleep in an enclosed darkened room with just the fan and no Jes pest. It got up to 79° in here for a while, but we really don’t need AC unless it hits 90°. It’s the cold I’m intolerant to. The 5-cast shows it’ll be in the 70s. Twice they had rain on for Wednesday and twice they took it off. I really wonder if this place is going to turn into a desert.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2013
Tom must be psychic. He decided I needed my nice new coffeemaker after all, even though I said it wasn’t important. Then today I get a little surprise win waiting for me in the mail – a box of lemon iced tea that can only be used with this type of brewer.

It said to put ice in the cup and not to use glass. So I used a big plastic tumbler of ours and it came out tasting funny. I thought it would come out cold. It’s called “lemon ice tea,” after all. Instead, it came out warm and tasted of plastic, as plastic often does when warmed. Oh well. It was free and I’m not a fan of lemon anyway.

Although I slept 8 hours I awoke with big-time PMS fatigue. My hunger levels aren’t up yet, but I can’t seem to muster up much energy to save my life. I have been dragging and dragging and have needed to lie down a couple of times. Not even all the caffeine I’ve pumped myself with has helped, but while dinner was just so-so last night, My Arabica coffee K-cups are delicious, so I think I’ll brew another cup soon.

I usually take a couple of days off a week from exercise and this will be my third day if I don’t at least do something. I don’t think I’m going to bother with a killer 1000-calorie workout, but just do 20-30 minutes of basic exercises to work the major muscle groups. Besides, as I’ve said before, even though I know some people may not get or believe this if they’re not a middle-aged woman, but exercise alone doesn’t make me lose weight. It merely helps me lose weight in conjunction with severely limiting my calories, something I don’t do every single day cuz that alone depletes my energy.

Now that the proofreading excursion is finally over I plan to fill that time working on my book.

Andy was saying he didn’t get how I could blame God for trapping us in the trailer so long, and apparently thought we had more options than we really did. We wish! The first 4 years of being in Cali were a real nightmare for us. He said he never would’ve taken the place he’s in now if it didn’t have a washer/dryer hookup, but we didn’t have the money to allow us to be so choosy. California is a very expensive state. Your average house rents from $1200 - $1600 a month. With one person making what was $10 before he got thrown on unemployment for 22 months, Jesse was pretty much all we could afford. We knew we could at least drag a small portable washer up to the sink whenever we needed to wash clothes. Also, we had shitty credit back then and most places want first, last and a deposit. Jesse only wanted first and a small deposit. So it took us $900 to get with him instead of the 3 grand a regular house would’ve taken.

We moved into the trailer in April of 2008. By October or November, he was laid off and unemployed for nearly two years. Then he got a good-paying job at $14, but it was only for 6 months and not nearly enough time to get ahead, let alone get much more than a couple hundred saved. Then it was on to another 6 months of unemployment before things really came to a terrifying and seemingly hopeless head two years ago. In the nick of time, he got an awesome job and has been there ever since.

Until things got better for us, most people saw our situation for the critical ordeal that it was while others were like, eh, they’re not doing all they can to help themselves. But we WERE. Besides the limitations I had set on me, Tom was filling out every application he could possibly fill out. He’d have loved to have filled out dozens and dozens more than he did, but he couldn’t fill out what wasn’t available to fill out. If it was as simple as getting offline and going out in person to apply, then the unemployment rate wouldn’t have reached 12% here like it did. Some things, like what Andy does cleaning for businesses, could be conducted in person, but we didn’t have a home-based business like that, and those that he did talk to would tell him to apply online.

The original plan was to save enough for a bigger, newer rental till we decided to buy a place in an adult community. Had we stuck to our original plan we could’ve gotten out about a year sooner than we did, but yes, I do blame God for most of our time there. If it’s really true that He has a “plan” for us, then His so-called plan for us was to be stuck there for quite a while. Besides, maybe it just makes some people feel better to blame Him just like it makes some people feel better to tell themselves He loves them, you know? I still think my blame is mostly justified since I still think some things happen for a reason. Not all, but some. I try not to push my beliefs on others and I expect the same respect in return. I don’t mind discussing these things, though, and while I may not get or like everything someone else has to say, I can at least listen and weigh different ideas in my mind.

Get it, folks? LOL, I can state the facts, but I guess I can’t always make one understand if they either can’t relate or aren’t very bright, but I didn’t start talking to Andy again till a couple of years ago, so he wouldn’t have known what was going on before that. Or at least the Cali story as a whole.

I loved it with the Jes pest at first after 8 months of being cramped in a motel room in a seedy section of Sacramento, but by the end of the year, I wanted out when he returned to work as a construction worker (till he went on disability) and left his dogs to bark from 5am - 5pm. It’s a good thing I didn’t know it would be years before that was an option. I was stressed out enough as it was.

Speaking of things we don’t get, I used to not be able to get how one who supposedly cares about someone wouldn’t be quick to lend money if needed. Now I would never let my friends/family suffer if I had the means to help them and they were that desperate, but after not having money for so long and then finally having it I can see where one is determined to really hang onto it cuz you just never know when it may disappear again. We have thousands in savings yet I want to shake Tom for spending $50 on a coffeemaker and kick myself for spending just $10 on a bracelet.

We did, however, decide to put aside a little paint jar. Whenever we have a few dollars here and a few dollars there after paying bills or grocery shopping, it goes to the paint jar in the kitchen cabinet. Once we get $60 accumulated, which is what we estimated we’d need to get started, we’ll start on the spare bedroom, which is also Tom’s office. These walls are going to be a big job. We estimate painting the whole place and re-carpeting will cost around 3K. We need to pop the strips off the paneling, fill the seams with joint compound, sand them and dust them before we can paint them. The end result should have the place looking like it’s 10 years old instead of 30!

Anyway, my feelings, beliefs and interests are what they are. Not gonna feel guilty for them or try to push them on others, but simply be who I am. :) The only sucky thing to finally getting what we want and having things go so well is knowing the bastard above hasn’t fucked off and out of our lives forever. He’s simply lying in wait. Eventually, He’ll use people and circumstances beyond our control to make a swipe at this place, too. He’ll be back and so will the nightmares. The ones that come true. Now if you ask me why He’s hated me so much of my life, that I cannot answer. I just know He hasn’t forgotten me just because He may’ve found a new whipping boy for now.

“Just tell yourself He loves everybody,” people have told me in the past.

But I cannot tell myself what I don’t believe. I can’t make myself interested in porn, tennis and sushi, or make myself hate coffee, music and rats. Life isn’t always about choices. It’s about making the best of what you’ve got as tough as that can be at times. But until poverty is our best friend again, we’re going to enjoy every moment of smooth sailing we can!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2013
I’m totally amazed that no one’s sent any messages to my first MD account yet! I opened my first Ask account back up, but I’m not allowing for anonymous questions.

We’re totally baffled by what’s going on with the house across the street. At first Tom wondered if the car parked alongside our place was stolen and if he should call the cops. I know crime can happen anywhere, but this isn’t a common thing in this area, and why abandon a stolen car in a retirement park of all places, even if the gates are open during the daytime?

Sure enough, I heard a car door and saw a woman cross the street and head up the driveway. Then she gathered a mop and bucket and went into the house. A while later, the white SUV I often see there pulled into the driveway. Not long afterward, the “stolen” car and the SUV left. Wish they’d quit parking by our place, and better yet, I wish the house would hurry up and sell to cut down the traffic. The landscapers are annoying enough. But that’s the weird thing. We can’t find it online anymore as selling, sold or pending, so we’re not sure what’s up with it. Maybe it was sold privately or went into foreclosure.

Still see lights on at night next door, but still don’t know if they haven’t left yet or if it’s someone else staying there. Maybe the cat I heard meowing the other day when I was in the master bathroom accidentally escaped from their place and the son is cat-sitting.

We got/ordered some really cool things, but first, the house smells sooooo good. We’re using the crock pot that was left here for the very first time. For $10 Tom got a prepared package of meat, potatoes, onions and carrots. I hate carrots, though, so the rats can have those. I’m cooking it at a higher temp so I only have to wait 4 hours instead of 8.

I’m also trying these green coffee bean extract pills. Some people claim it’s helped them lose weight, but I’ve already accepted I’m older, I’m supposed to be heavy, and I’m not going to lose much more weight if any at all. What I found most interesting was the claim that it helps with water retention. I researched the stuff and found that there are no known side effects and most say it hasn’t made them feel jittery or anything like that, so I’m giving it a try. Tom was sure to not get the ones that contained green tea since that stuff upsets my stomach.

Tom decided I deserved a new coffeemaker anyway and got me a really nice single-cup brewer. It’s not a Keurig brewer, but it brews regular coffee as well as K-cups. :) So we ordered a variety pack of K-cups that I can’t wait to try that consists of different coffees, teas and hot chocolate. Tom doesn’t care for coffee or tea, but got himself a pack of dark chocolate cups.

Since we haven’t yet painted, re-carpeted or gotten new drapes for the living/dining rooms, I got blueberry cobbler and buttered popcorn incense as well as a few others. Jasmine, apple cinnamon… and I can’t remember what else.

Another cool thing he got at the store today was a color-changing LED nightlight for the hallway. It’s like walking into a black tunnel when we either head to bed or get up at night with nothing lighting the way. I thought that with translucent drapes and the street light being on the corner here, more light would spill in here at night, but it doesn’t because the carport roof blocks it.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2013
Aly asked me not to say anything, but I guess Kim has caught on that she’s been feeding me info. Like how she said something about changing the area code on her phone to make it look like she’s in San Francisco or New Jersey. Well, I have gotten visitors from both places. I banned NJ, which started coming in every day, in case that’s Kim. They searched the term “abortion” and it’s hard to believe she’d look that up or have anything Mac, but you never know.

Molly’s back too, and spent 5 ½ minutes trolling around my blog before I blocked her. Hope she can’t remember how to override the block like she did on Tumblr, though her reading it wouldn’t be the end of the world. It’s her presence I don’t care to see. Makes me glad, in a way, Kim’s afraid to show herself.

Sometimes I think maybe I should reopen MD and Ask and let them send all the shit they want in order to collect evidence against them in case there are ever better laws, though I would never respond to any of it. I wonder what would piss them off more - not being able to anonymously reach me, or being able to reach me just to be ignored.

Later…

Decided to reopen MD but only because I also decided to create a second account. I’m sure it’s a matter of time before the trolls find it and figure out who I am based on the things I say. I still have to laugh at the thought of them scrambling to find it, thinking it’s in the same name as the other one.

Meanwhile, I created a second diary because my first diary got so damn long that it takes forever to load. It will be left public, so I can sit and silently watch whoever sends feedback while seeming to have abandoned the account. The account will serve as a handy reference/backup.

In my first entry which consisted of just 3 short paragraphs, I specifically pointed out that I wouldn’t look at feedback and why. Sure enough, someone sent me a quick message saying, “Great beginning!”

Testing me? Well, of course I’m really checking both accounts. I’m too curious not to. In fact, I expect to get slammed with childish shit from Kathy any second now. I’m just hoping that by saying I’m not picking up messages, and by ignoring them that she’ll finally get bored with me and get the fuck out of my life.

I love being able to take clothes right out of the dryer, put them on and enjoy how warm and soft they feel. I’ll never take little things like that for granted after being denied so many little pleasures in life for so long.

Almost broke down a second time and got a Keurig brewing system, but don’t want to spend the extra money on the K-cups. Just because you have money doesn’t mean you should always spend it, though Tom reminded me that we can do what we want now, so it’s up to me. K-cups come in many fun varieties that are appealing, but I still think it’s easier and cheaper to just stick to my instant coffee.

Got a nice new barrette the other day with pretty pink and clear gems. That was worth the money. Got sick of my boring gray glitter one, though that one is bigger and is better for gathering all my hair back. My hair is a bit thick for my new one, but holds either my bangs back or a ponytail much more securely than the other one which I’ve had for a decade or so.

I saw that Incense Galore has been shut down. I Googled them when I couldn’t link to their site and found a complaint on the Rip-Off Report. They stiffed someone. It’s a good thing I didn’t order from them when I last contemplated doing so. The site looked glitchy and basically abandoned.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2013
So Sarah’s last name is the same as Kim’s, so I’ve learned. Wonder if there’s any relation? She should be careful who she contacts online. :)

Today was a super windy day. I almost felt the house shudder at times. Hope it doesn’t knock over our trash and recyclable bins we put out earlier. It’s chilly indoors but warm out in the sun, which is beginning to set. I aired the place out a bit today. We’re going to need heat for sure tonight, but by Sunday it will be close to 90°

Got up at 10am and worked out for a while. Wish I knew if I was on the lower or higher end of the calorie burn estimate. A part of me thinks the lower since I’m getting back in pretty good shape again, but a part of me thinks the higher cuz I’m still overweight.

Went to Walgreens today when we went to get our flu shots. Our insurance paid for what would’ve been $61 total.

I also got a good deal on one of my usual favorites – perfume. No nail polish this time, though. Other than a small bag of candy and popcorn, since I haven’t had treats in ages, that was pretty much it.

I wonder if their son is actually staying next door? I saw lights on over there after midnight. They’re never up that late. Also, I saw a navy SUV (theirs is gray) pull into the garage and the door shut behind it. They always leave that door open unless they’re out.

Only 100 pages left to proofread and publish! It’ll be a few months before I get them all copied to Blogger, though.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2013
Woke up cold and thought I was dreaming or just imagining it, but sure enough, once I pulled myself out of bed just before 10am, I saw it was down to just 67° in here. I slammed the heat on and brought it to 72°, but now that it’s getting close to my workout, I switched to ‘cool’ as it’s going to be 82° today. You’d hardly know it by how nippy it was in here this morning. Tomorrow’s to be windy, which I love cuz then I get to hear the wind chimes. If the AC really does make it on today, though, I wouldn’t expect it to before 3pm.

We’re having more days where it’s partially cloudy, but no rain in sight for a while. Wish it would rain away some of these landscapers for a while. The daily buzzing really does get old. Even more so, I wish the trips in and out from across the street would simmer down. Last night I felt like I was back in Phoenix with all the car doors.

Apparently one of Kim’s friends (I could tell based on her likes) followed me and then unfollowed me sometime last night. Not before she favorited a tweet of mine; a link to a 2001 journal entry in a journal that was recently turned private. Ok, whatever.

Later…

Kathy didn’t show up on my tracker since putting the block on, but that might’ve been cuz she was able to get to me through MD, which I was dumb enough to open while updating. I’m pretty sure she’s subbied to the RSS feed cuz she left shit that was obviously stuff she’d say, on older entries as I was publishing them. If it wasn’t her it was Kim. It was definitely one of them. In regards to the entry about Tom getting his job, they laughed at his then-pay of $13. Do they not realize that’s pretty good money, or did they just want to laugh at anything I wrote?

Either way, this was a reminder - leave the door open, even for just a few minutes, and the ants may come crawling in. Damn, I can’t enjoy anything anymore. Not that allows anonymous feedback/questions anyway. They’ve taken away Ask from me and even the fun of my-diary. I do allow for anonymous comments on Blogger, but they’re afraid to leave anything that I personally can track. I don’t know why. Their providers as well as the sites themselves have all their info. I have a feeling, though, that after a while of not being able to get to me anonymously, they’ll get brave enough to come at me non-anonymously. Oh well. Do I really need questions, comments and feedback in the meantime? No, I don’t. Besides, I haven’t been open to making new friends in a while and I don’t have any plans to expand my circle anytime soon.

Someone did, however, “like” a couple of my posts (about Kim and her puppet, Kathy). I think the person may’ve been in New Jersey. A friend of Kim’s? Aly says she has a friend in Bradford, Pennsylvania. I did get a view from there, but that was over a week ago.

Changed my Twitter name again, but did it more to piss Kim off than cuz I cared that she and her Bradford buddy read my tweets, most of which are just blog links and tweet sweeps.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2013
Today’s been an annoying day so far. I’d just finished my workout and was about to shower when I noticed the water was off, then there was the usual traffic and landscaping noise.

Then I went to log into Facebook and it said I hadn’t logged in from that browser before and it would send a code to my phone to log in with. Only Tom’s got that phone, so I won’t be able to log in till he gets home. It’s only FB, so it’s no big deal. It’s just that Nane just got back (I thought she returned last Sunday), and may want to chat. She’s usually going to bed when Tom gets home.

We did swap a few messages and comments, though. She posted some pics and isn’t happy to be back. Her bed was the only thing she missed. I can relate. I hate sleeping in beds that aren’t mine.

But why doesn’t FB recognize my browser? It’s the same one I’ve had for centuries.

Sometimes we falsely accuse someone of something so often and so long that they finally become what they’re accused of. At least for a few hours anyway. I don’t know if Kim’s just a really bad liar, if she has alters “misbehaving” in ways she’s unaware of, if she’s paranoid and delusional and really believes people are out to get her, or if someone has taken the time and energy to make it look like people are picking on her. Maybe they even went so far as to impersonate her when contacting me on Ask, though I doubt it. I think she knows damn well what she’s done, she always has known, and well, I’m just sick of this instigator-played-victim shit. That’s why I decided to live up to the lies for once, turn the tables, see how SHE likes it, and I sent some of her millions of accounts blank tweets. You know, to the person who supposedly doesn’t want to hear from me and isn’t interested in following my blog and my life.

How the hell can she keep track of so many accounts??? Where it really gets bazaar is that clearly she is having a conversation with herself between some of the accounts and isn’t just interacting with followers separate from herself. But yeah, LOL, she creates dozens of accounts, has them all following each other, then they all “chat” together.

shakes head sadly A fascinating but frightening mind.

Also, why is Kathy checking my blog periodically? She dumped me. So if you dump someone, then why would you care to keep tabs on what’s going on with them? Is it just me, or is the normal reason we dump someone because we no longer want anything to do with them? She’s been to my blog more since tossing me aside like yesterday’s trash than she was when I thought she was my friend.

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Last updated August 17, 2024