May 2013 in 2010s

FRIDAY, MAY 31, 2013
Tom got home late what with OT and having to stop at the mail place, so we decided to break the news to the Jes pest tomorrow. They’re not processing the application till next week anyway. It’s going to be a long and suspenseful weekend, wondering if we’ve got one foot in our new home, or if something up there is waiting with an evil grin, ready to have us delivered yet another blow and another setback. If worse comes to worst we don’t get in and we hire a realtor in the Auburn area to get us a place. Until and if things fall apart, we’re amazingly close to being on schedule with our plans. Rarely do our plans pan out the way we want them to, so this is a nice change.

My free Nicole polishes came today in pink, red and blue. They’re ok. I’ve come to be really picky with colors and I especially love glitter nail polish even though it’s a bitch to remove. Traditional reds just don’t excite me anymore, but the pink and blue are nice.

My 300 sticks of incense came today, too, LOL. I thought it was saying there were 4 left in stock, not that I was ordering packs of 4. I still have some patchouli and blackberry leftover, but now I’ve got strawberry, love, amber, honeysuckle, orchids, spice, herbs, dragon’s blood, espresso and honey vanilla.

Yesterday I noticed pain in my right shoulder, though I didn’t lift or do anything that should’ve caused an injury, and blurring in my right eye. Andy said blurriness can be caused by blood sugar fluctuations, but it’s only in one eye. My vision is poor anyway, and I have to wear glasses at all times. But when I closed my right eye, looking through my glasses, I could see my monitor clearly. When I closed the other eye it was significantly blurrier. I think I just got something in that eye, cuz later on when I blinked it felt like there was something sticky in it. Allergies and congestion can leave a film over the eyes, but I don’t think that’s it since it is just one eye and my allergies have been fine lately, thanks to Nasal Crom.

Later…

I couldn’t log into my LiveJournal account and had to reset the PW for that blog. The blog looks untampered with as far as I can see and it was probably just one of many glitches on LJ’s part, but if there’s any spam, threats, sensitive info or shit like that in there, don’t blame me! Do tell me about it, though, if you happen to notice anything fishy.

Thanks to all those who have offered to think happy thoughts and put out “positive vibes” as far as us getting the house we want. Again, I’m not sure it’d do us any more good than prayer would because it comes down to us meeting the park’s expectations and nothing more or less. We’re in the 35K - 50K income bracket, we’re at least 55 and 45, we’re legal US citizens, and so the only thing that might hinder us is the Klam scam. I’m afraid to get my hopes up yet can’t help but wonder if next week we’ll be told that we got our dream house, or if we’ll be delivered yet another blow. We’ll know soon!

The costs will be a little more than what they are here, and then after the loan is paid off it’ll be a little less. Well worth it since what we’d be getting is 3 times this size and nearly 20 years newer and built like any old standard American house.

I feel bad for some of my friends right now. It’s like the tables have turned and we’ve totally swapped shoes. Where I was once bitching so long about being broke and struggling and just being totally miserable overall, now others are struggling with money and health issues galore while we’re doing great. Having been there myself for so long, I totally sympathize with what they’re going through. Aly’s been one of my top online besties for years and damn I wish that girl could catch a break! It’s so unfair watching so many good people struggle while sick assholes seem to get it all.

THURSDAY, MAY 30, 2013
Tom thinks the Jes pest may be on to us already considering the fact that we received mail from a mortgage company here at this address. The company required a physical address as well as the UPS Store box. Tom is still going to officially break the news of what’s going on sometime today and will let him know that we won’t get a yes or a no from the park till next week, but we do have a house and loan in place and ready to go.

Tom said Brenda seemed positive, and after they went on and on about how young I look (in my passport pic), she said she’d give them a call next Monday to see how things are coming along.

Tom thinks we’ll be out of here by July 4th. Oh, how I hope he’s right! It’s definitely time to finally get the hell out of here and move on. I also need to get back to the dentist and it would be nice not to have so much of our lives preoccupied with moving after nearly a year of planning, researching, and hunting. But I’m also afraid to get my hopes up after being let down in life so many times.

Still can’t decide whether or not to continue blogging publicly. It’s been loads of fun seeing who comes around and all that, and I know a lot of followers would be disappointed if I disappeared, but there are still stalkers to consider. Not just the ones I’ve had but any possible future ones that could be more trouble than anyone else has yet to be. It’s fun sharing this and that and hearing people’s input, but I also have to be careful and that gets old at times having to watch every single thing I say. But laws change and I constantly have to keep up with them. What’s perfectly legal today could be illegal tomorrow. Thus far it’s been that for the most part as long as one doesn’t post sensitive info, lies that can be proven and proven to harm someone in some kind of way, or any threats, you were ok. But maybe next week they’ll decide to make talking about pet rats illegal. In a country so picky and sensitive about wording and certain subjects, one never knows from day to day what’s acceptable and what’s not, not that I plan to ever let any “law” take advantage of me and rake my ass over the coals. Still, who needs the hassle?

Playing it safe and taking obvious precautionary measures is one thing, like being careful what house/park pics I share in public, but I think that there’s no need to go to extremes and disappear altogether from public so long as nothing drastic happens to cause me to do so. So my blogs will remain public, but I may not update all of them daily.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 29, 2013
Woke up a little warm yesterday and had to get up and adjust the thermostat’s settings on his computer. Oh, to have a home with a normal heating AND cooling system! One where doors and windows don’t have to enter into it and I can just walk up to a box on the wall, set it and forget it.

If all goes well, our days of living like a couple of fucking doped-up bums are seriously numbered!

I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination or just a psychological thing brought on by the Jes pest working down here the other day or not, but I thought I might’ve heard some loud machinery running up there, so for good measure, I added an earplug to the sound machine before going back to sleep. Once I got up for good and looked in back, I saw that the tree limb was still there.

I got both good and bad news in the message Tom left me before he crashed which was right before I got up. He said not to worry about my schedule cuz they not only aren’t going to process our application this week, but the “interview” is all done through the paperwork. So I’ve been pushing and wrestling with my schedule for nothing. It’s nice to know I can relax about that for now since not having a day/time this supposed meeting was supposedly taking place made it even harder on me. Having a day/time to aim for really does help.

Yet it sucks that they couldn’t let us know before the 1st so that the 30-day escrow thing could start on the 1st. However, if we’re here a few days in July that we don’t pay for, fine. I’m not going to feel bad for Jesse after we spent $40 on his faucets and are leaving him a $600 shed.

Tammy and her family are sooo cursed. An employee of Mark’s backed into his truck with a dump truck. One side of it is pretty beat up.

Still can’t believe how much muscle I’ve got. I’ve been on the solid side since my 20s, but what I had then and in my 30s was nothing compared to this. Now if only I could lose the fat as easily as I gain the muscle!

TUESDAY, MAY 28, 2013
Last night I was thinking that I’d never hear one of the very few things I’ll miss about this place and that’s the sound of the rain falling on the tin roof, but believe it or not, it rained for a few minutes earlier. Love that wet earthy smell!

Andy said he has to believe there’s a God cuz he just can’t believe life was created by an explosion like the planet was. I agree that humans are a bit complex and sophisticated not to have evolved from something that could think and figure, but I also agree with Tom and others who believe He’s not involved in our day-to-day lives. If He were then why would He allow so many bad things to happen? Because he plays favorites? Could be, but not likely. His not being around would explain why people’s lives vary so much and why the concept of prayer is pure wishful thinking. How I wish we could just go up and ask for whatever, reasonable or not! But when prayers are answered, I know it was just a coincidence, not that many of mine were answered before I realized that no one should have to pray because if something’s meant to be, be it by destiny or dumb luck, it will be. Period.

Maybe if anything is responsible for influencing good and bad things to happen to us it’s those we knew who are now deceased. I hope not, though, because if my parents could do bad to me alive, why not dead, although I honestly can’t see why they wouldn’t want to see us in a decent home of our own. I hate what they did to me and could never forgive them, but I am grateful for the very generous inheritance I got. I’ve been deprived, denied and cheated out of many things in life, but for once I felt like something was actually on my side when for a while I didn’t think I’d get shit. My parents pretended to be rich because image was everything to them when in fact they were just very comfortable, and then ended up in debt in the last few years of their life when the economy and their health problems worsened. But still, the attorneys were able to bleed 20K out of them and I think my ending up with 8K of it was more than most can expect to get when they lose their folks. Again, destiny or dumb luck, I do not know. I only know that while 8K may not be a huge inheritance (after all, some people get houses, fancy cars and flourishing businesses), it’s still a lot of money. So many people out there rent and live paycheck to paycheck, so I think I got more than most people get even though 8K certainly doesn’t have the value it had in 1950 or anything like that. My point? I do have some blessings in life, so it ain’t all bad! That money almost doubled our savings.

Just slow. Yeah, things go way too slow for us at times. I really hope this is it and that we get good news from the park this week! A worrisome thought crossed our minds earlier, however, and that’s how to keep his job while we make the transition. He has a few weeks’ worth of days off saved up, but you have to give them a week’s notice. You can’t just spontaneously take time off. Yet we can’t always know in advance when we’re going to be needed to do something pertaining to the move, and it may not be able to be done after work either. So it’s got me a bit concerned. Last time we bought a house he worked nights.

I’d like to think they’d say, “Well, life does exist outside of work, like it or not, he’s already put in sooo much OT, so we understand.” But that’s not the way it works. People are greedy and selfish and when it comes to people having things going on, the bosses only think of how it affects them personally. They’d fire someone if they had to lose a few hours to save their lives. The last thing I want to do is put ourselves at risk and give fate a chance to take advantage of us in a bad way. It’d be just our shit luck to be “punished” with him being fired in exchange for getting the house. Especially one so nice and roomy. But that doesn’t mean it can’t be safely done somehow. People buy houses all the time. But still… nothing good comes easy for us. We have to fight tooth and nail and pay dearly. We don’t get many breaks in life and have things simply handed to us, and even then there’s usually still some kind of price to pay.

We’re not sure why, but Brenda wants to be there when Tom submits the application to the park. We were also shocked to learn that this house has been on the market since 2010! I wondered if that was a bad thing, but as far as we know, nothing’s wrong with the place. It’s been re-roofed, re-plumbed and is structurally sound. I think maybe it’s the price that might’ve been part of the hold-up. It’s not a rip-off but it’s no bargain either. The couple may’ve not been all that serious until now either. They’ve probably been there a million years and don’t exactly want to go. Who the hell wants to give up their house to go live in an assisted living apartment? Anyway, appraisers and inspections come next, assuming the park lets us in, along with carpet cleaning. I want to try to shoot pics of this place after it’s been emptied out and the new place while it’s still empty to show the difference. There’s no comparison!

I’m just a little nervous, as with most new things, about making such major changes. They may be positive and they may be welcomed, but it’s still a big change going from being secluded in the woods back to civilization even if it’s in a ritzy park. I’m mostly nervous over trying to sleep through the motorcycle and next door parking alongside us, but hopefully the fact that the street is sort of uphill, making next door lower than us, will help muffle some sounds. Their roof isn’t down as low as our floor, but they are noticeably lower. No sense in worrying about it that much until and if we get in, I suppose.

Whenever we move, wherever we move to, I am going to go on one helluva washing frenzy at first! It’ll be great to finally be able to wash the comforters and things like that, which are too big for our small portable washer. If all goes well this little washer shouldn’t have 20 more loads to go. It’s been amazingly good to us over the years, and the timing is perfect because you’re supposed to replace its hose every 5 years.

Will I be online more? Yes and no. At first you bet I’ll be having a blast catching up on stuff this sluggish and unreliable connection prevented me from doing for so long, but eventually I may be on less because I will be out and about more often than I am here.

Anyway, Tom thinks it’s stress that’s made me so tired. I slept from 8am - 4pm and pretty well too, yet I awoke with something worse than PMS fatigue. All I wanted to do was lay in bed. I forced myself to have a chicken dinner hoping it’d perk me up. It didn’t. Finally had to shower to get some energy going and that didn’t happen till after 9pm.

I went to join the new thoughts.com just to see what it’s like these days, and sure enough, it wouldn’t let me sign up through Facebook. Then when I went to sign up the regular way, all I got was a white screen. So they’re just as fucked up as ever.

The other day I asked myself if it were even remotely possible I could be wrong in assuming certain questions on Ask were left by Kim, then sure enough, someone proved I did indeed wrongly credit her for the “I like food” one. Instead, it was left by a guy I suggested adding a background pic and so he added one of donuts. I just didn’t think he’d say that, or anything else, anonymously.

I realize that some could be from anonymous jokers or other people, but I think whoever insisted we were “very good friends” and that always gets on me to update MD when I slack off on it, is probably her. Friends usually say who they are and if they do pull any jokes they usually identify themselves eventually. But this person never gives me a name when I ask who they are, and as I’ve learned, if they don’t give you a name when asked, or they ask you to guess who they are, they have no intention of saying who they are. Wouldn’t this be because they know you dislike them?

Later…

Tom will be handing in the park application with Brenda tomorrow after work. We still don’t want to get our hopes up, but here’s something interesting. I dreamed of opening a large bag of toilet paper. The bag had several rolls in it and I pulled out two. Well, I haven’t been very psychic for several months now, but why would I pull out two rolls here in this place where there’s only one bathroom?

It gets better. Brenda must have serious confidence in us because the house is now listed as ‘sale pending’ which puts the Jes pest in the mode of ‘bad news pending’. :) It’s lucky it didn’t wake me up today, too. Fire season is coming and it came down to drag the big tree limb that went down toward the back of the lot. So tomorrow I’ll have to go to sleep with the stress of knowing he might wake me up when he comes to hack the damn thing up. The real pestering from him won’t come until we know for sure we’re outa here, but hopefully the excitement will override the stress.

If only I could stay on days till we got over there! There are many factors that make it hard for me to keep the same schedule and one of them is that being shorted sleep can have the opposite effect on me. Where most people who wake up tired go to bed earlier the next night, it’s common for me to stay tired most of the day, but then wake up in the late afternoon/early evening hours and end up being up 18 hours or so, which means I end up with less sleep the next night. It is truly frustrating as hell, but I just want to get the show on the road and make the damn transition already! I’m ready to see whether or not next door’s car doors are annoying or not, and if the motorcycle does wake me up or not, and if landscaping is a regular thing or not, all the while we enjoy a nice, modern fully loaded house (it even has a garbage disposal) with more space than we’ll ever need.

We should know by Friday, and hopefully the worst thing that could happen is we’re forced to pay the “Klammers” money we don’t owe them.

What a cruel tease it would be not only to us if they turned us down but to the couple still in the house as well. They’d have to start all over again looking for a buyer just like we would have to look in some other park that’s not as nice. For now, I just hope to hell they go from being the couple in the house we hope to get into to the couple in MY house that needs to get out of it!

SUNDAY, MAY 26, 2013
My Estrella Jail blog entry still gets accessed daily by various states and countries. It’s weird.

Had a very long, detailed dream about Kim and some Italian lady. I’ll get to it later. I’m busy today with this and that.

Had a dream last night Tammy left a message but that was a rather obvious and easy dream premonition cuz I expected to hear from her anyway.

That poor family is just as cursed physically as we were financially. God has just been so, so cruel to them. Becky’s having the migraines from hell, Mark needs polyps removed whether they’re cancerous or not, and Tammy’s lost 51% of her lung capacity. Furthermore, the insurance people are going to decide where she goes for treatment, not her. They could send her to Pittsburg or something. She feels like they care more about doing what’s cheapest and not what’s best for the patient, and I don’t blame her. Being just another name and number in jails and prisons is one thing, but it shouldn’t be that way when it comes to people’s health. Sadly, though, most of the world is based on money and looks. :(

I’m still hoping Tammy won’t need the transplant (I guess they’re going to discuss this in the fall) and that they’ll either stumble upon what disease she has or the right medication to stop it from advancing even more.

She was saying how Mark could eat and eat and eat and the guy still weighs nothing. No fair! I’m going from fat to obese. :( I don’t know if something’s wrong or if this is just how I naturally am nowadays, but I’m gaining an average of 1-2 pounds a month and if I don’t figure out how to stop it, I could die at over 300 pounds if I live another 30 years. The fat is starting to bury a lot of my muscles. After the move, I’m going to make one last-ditch effort to get to 120 (I can’t go much lower with the muscle mass that I now seem to be stuck with for life no matter how lazy I get). If I can’t lose weight I’ll see a doctor and either they’ll find something wrong we can hopefully fix, or they’ll tell me there’s nothing I can do about it and that it’s just part of aging, etc. The latter would suck, but at least I wouldn’t have to worry so much about what I ate if there wasn’t much I could do about it anyway. It’s not about looks for me in this day and age but about comfort and health problems. Since going from flat abs and narrow hips to drowning in fat, I fear I’ve opened the door to heart disease, diabetes, and God knows what else.

One of the first things Tom and I will definitely do when we get out of here is call Tammy and some others I haven’t talked to in centuries. We are definitely due for a live chat. I told Tammy to keep in mind, though, that it won’t happen as much as she’d like. I not only hate phones, but if you think I keep busy here, it’s nothing compared to how wonderfully busy I’ll be there! :) I swear, though, that sister of mine has become so like the old me who would happily gab away for hours every day. She’d do it even at 1% lung capacity!

Later…

We were talking about all the changes we’d like to make to the house, assuming the park lets us have it. Most of it will be done over a long period of time. The house/carpet/floor colors aren’t ugly, but they’re dull. The paint isn’t peeling and the carpet isn’t frayed and the floors aren’t scuffed, but I definitely want to refloor the kitchen, baths and laundry area, replace the brown carpet with pink carpet, and paint the outside peach with white trim instead of the white with brown trim that it currently is. We’ll at least get this carpet cleaned before we move in, and I can mop the floors. :) Fortunately, the couple there now doesn’t smoke, and if they ever did it was a long time ago.

We don’t have much furniture here cuz this place is so small, and what we do have is made for a small place. Like our little round 2-seater table. Really wish I hadn’t ended up stuck with these damn mannequins as they’re the only things keeping the place from looking “normal,” something I’d really like to have after years of living in ugly, dumpy freak shows with weird setups and all that. But they’re not that easy to sell, so I guess I may as well let them remain as part of the doll collection. Most of the dolls have been sold, but I still have quite a few of them, especially Barbie’s. But despite the weird shit I’ve so stupidly collected over the years, there should be some semblance of a typical setup when we get done with it. :) Still, I’m sure we’ll be the only ones there with 1 stuffed rat, 2 live rats, and 2 mannequins. I’ll probably know the most languages too.

The only room in this place (I hope Nane and Andy are right about the park letting us in) that I’ll want to change the window treatments in will be the bedroom. I want blackout drapes in there like hotels use. I hate sleeping with light, and half the time I sleep during the daytime, so it’s doubly important. The previous owners will probably leave the rest of the window treatments and I think they’ll be plenty suitable enough. There are huge windows along the entire front wall of the living room with sheer floor-to-ceiling curtains that are super nice cuz they let light in but don’t steal your privacy.

We looked online at various sites for ideas on desks, couches, dressers, etc., and then I accidentally ordered 300 sticks of incense, LOL. I didn’t realize the variety packs included so many sticks. The plan was to get just enough to burn while we’re still here as I don’t want to go smoking up the new place. I just hope we get in! Burning a few sticks over there won’t hurt anything.

Later…

OMG, I just killed the biggest ant I ever saw! I thought it was a black wasp at first. We gotta bomb this place if we don’t get the house.

I know they won’t but I almost wish they’d leave the glass table and chairs they had on the patio if we get the place. Not because I’m the outdoorsy type. I’m not really. I figure why sit out with the bugs and shit like that when I can sit in the climate-controlled comfort of home where I can go barefoot and not worry about stepping on things that could hurt me? I want it because it’s such a nice table that goes well on that patio and would be good for any company we may have.

Still not sure I want to continue blogging publicly (or at least in blogs known to my stalkers) after the move. I do and I don’t. I will have to sit down and make a list of the pros and cons at some point and then make a decision. I’d still share on FB and in blogs they either don’t know about and that are for friends only, if not totally private. This would mean dropping LJ, going private on MD, going friends only on MO, but continuing on with Tumblr unless they find that blog.

I had a dream last night Kim was in that was very long and detailed. It was weird, funny and creepy.

The real Kim isn’t very bright. At least not the one I remember. But in the dream, she was explaining in a very detailed manner and a way that would require much intelligence as to why they fucked up when making my artificial ear canal when I awoke at some resort or hotel we were vacationing at. I spotted her in the lobby where I was on my way to get coffee and breakfast. I pretended not to recognize her and hoped she’d do the same, but she knew right away who I was and that’s when she began her explanation.

I was hoping my lack of enthusiasm over running into her would cause her to take the hint. Instead, she followed me to the coffeemaker. Oddly enough, you had to pull out a large drawer to place your mug in below the coffeemaker and the coffee would drip down into it. “Why can’t we be friends?” she asked. “I really like you a lot and I miss you, Jodi.”

“You know why,” I said. Then I went to reach for my coffee and was shocked to find that the entire drawer was filled with coffee. I couldn’t see the mug at all. As much as I hated to stick my hands in a drawer full of coffee, I did anyway and fished around for the mug I couldn’t feel. In just a second, however, Kim swiftly reached in and pulled out my mug and then handed it to me. I smiled and said, “Kim, you just might be leaning toward a second chance after all, as much as I know I’d live to regret it.”

“Check this out,” she suddenly said excitedly. “You gotta see this.”

Against my better judgment, since I didn’t want to give her the impression we were friends again, I followed her to a table where her laptop sat. “Check what out?” I asked, as she sat in a chair and took hold of the mouse sitting next to it.

As I studied her I realized she’d gone from the heavy, unattractive girl I knew to one of average weight and looks with nice white teeth. In real life, I couldn’t say what her teeth are like because she never smiled in the endless slew of sad, mad, grumpy, pouty, bored-looking face shots she used to post.

She then explained to me that she’d written a program that not only traced anyone’s online activity from site to site, but their offline movements as well, and then she demonstrated to me that she knew the last site I was on right down to what I last ate and when I last peed. It was the most brilliant, sophisticated and utterly chilling program I’d ever seen.

Again she asked why I wouldn’t take her back as a friend, and trying not to show how rattled I was by her new program I said, “You know why, Kim. If you’d been just mean, but aware of what you were doing and capable of owning up to it and apologizing, I may’ve given you one more chance. But you’re too crazy to be reasoned with. You don’t know right from wrong, fact from fiction. Trusting you would be like trusting a mountain lion or a bear in the wild.”

Realizing no one else was around, I became nervous and headed away from her. The dream ended just as she’d reverted back to her usual enormous and hideous-looking self.

The Italian lady in last night’s dream was a different story compared to Kim. She was perhaps in her 60s, but very nice looking and stylishly dressed. I don’t know if we knew each other or if I’d just run into her, but she told me I was dead wrong in thinking there was an evil God up there. “Think about it,” she said. “There can’t possibly be any God at all and here’s why. If God was good, kind and loving, then how do you explain those with lousy lives? If He was evil, then how do you explain those with happy lives?”

Although she had a point I asked, “But why do so many people think there’s a God up there?”

“Because people need to tell themselves what they want to hear. Everyone wants to believe in some type of order and reasoning. No one wants to believe that things really do happen just because and for no reason at all. That’s just not good enough for most people. They want to be able to explain why things are and to believe that things happen for a reason even if they don’t understand them. They want to believe they can just ask for what they want and get it. But the truth is, we exist simply because there was a big old explosion once upon a time in space, and the things that happen to us don’t happen for any reason at all. If you get a drink it may be because you’re thirsty, but no God made you thirsty. You’re thirsty simply because humans just happen to get thirsty at times.”

When I woke up I pondered the woman’s words in the dream and realized what she’d said made a lot of sense. If God’s so good, then who/what’s doing the evil that happens to some people, and why doesn’t this “good” God stop it? Maybe we really are just as silly for believing in God, angels and stuff like that as kids are for believing in the Tooth Fairy and Santa Claus. But WHY do we believe these things? Because we tell kids to believe in them, and then we tell ourselves to believe in God.

Maybe I really am heading more towards being atheist as opposed to agnostic. But could there still be an afterlife even with no God, evil or not???

SATURDAY, MAY 25, 2013
Just kicking back this Memorial Day weekend and relaxing in the peace and quiet around us. We went out to KFC after I got up and grabbed some combo meals, along with a chocolate chip cake that needed more chocolate chips added to it, to enjoy with the rats. Well, they just got biscuits and bones. I’ll give them potato wedges and mac and cheese later.

Jesse’s bleach obsession is back again and if he doesn’t knock it off, he’ll be hearing from me. The bleach, the slow Internet, his loud vehicles…damn I’m sick of it! Instead of growing more accustomed to it throughout the years I just get sicker of it.

Tom spent $40 replacing the ancient faucet handles in the tub. My first response was to tell Jesse about it and deduct it from the rent, but he insists it’ll help jinx things in our favor as far as getting into the park goes, and was tired of the old drippy faucets anyway and didn’t mind fixing it himself so we didn’t have to deal with him coming down here on his time and schedule. He really believes in this sort of thing just like how I wouldn’t clean much, but then as soon as I cleaned the place thoroughly, we got our foot in the door. It better jinx it, cuz if we don’t get the other foot in this place, the $40 is coming off the rent.

Nane was so funny the other day, telling me my bio was so much longer than she expected it to be after she printed it out that it would take her 29 subway trips around Munich to read it, LOL.

After she said it was just 7° in May (44° F), she said ok, enough gemeckert.

It’s only Saturday and I already miss my weekday cyber GF.

FRIDAY, MAY 24, 2013
They accepted our offer on the house! One down, one to go. We still have to get accepted by the park itself and that’s still kind of iffy. I’m both nervous and excited! I’m excited for obvious reasons, of course, but major changes are always a bit nerve-wracking till you adjust to new situations, new surroundings, new whatever. If I had the blessing of sleeping at night every night it wouldn’t be so bad, but during the first few weeks, I’m going to go to sleep – whenever – wondering if I’m going to get woken up. It’ll be better than wondering if the Jes pest is going to want to come down to do whatever. Still, once we move, it’ll be on to new worries not that I’m not ready to move on to new ones, since life usually has some form of worries or another. Once we finally defy God and get what we want, I’ll have to worry about Him using the neighbors against us, having our shit break, and worse, having Tom laid off. For the first year, though, we have a warranty for if anything breaks. Still, that motorcycle’s got to be maddening. I just hope they don’t use it nearly as much as the Jes pest uses his. The one he had to sit and gun engines on today for about 10 minutes. I giggle at the thought of the bad news heading his way soon enough! I just hope he doesn’t drive me crazier while the house is in escrow. So much needs to be done down here – roofing, painting, weeding…

So do we think we’ll really get accepted? Tom and I can’t even begin to guess. The Klam scam is still on the credit company they use, and even though he makes a ton of money, they may see it as not enough since most people also have car payments and shit like that to make that we don’t have.

I don’t want to get my hopes up. That’s all I can really say right now because there are reasons to think we will get it and reasons to think we won’t. I can’t believe God would be nice enough to let us have such a nice fancy, spacious house. I’m not exaggerating when I say it’s that nice and in that luxurious of a park. All the homes there are nice. They won’t even let any single-wides in it or anything made before 1975. Actually, I think ’77 is as old as they go cuz they had to be new when the park was established, and that was in ’77. It’s as close as we’ll ever come to living in a regular on-site house due to how it’s made, what it’s made of, and how it’s set up.

On the other hand, why wouldn’t God let us in if He could use a motorcycle and other things to interfere with my sleep and peace, even if it could never be anything even remotely like Phoenix or the NHA could get at times?

Naturally, I will drop false clues about it in my public blog to throw my stalkers off, though good luck getting in if you could find out which park we were in. It’s pretty secure. Still, maybe I’ll put us in Roseville or something. Maybe describe a particular house in a particular park that doesn’t even exist and laugh at the thought of them hunting for something they’ll never find, haha. Childish perhaps, but funny.

It’s strange to know that the economy that nearly killed us is also making this possible, for this house would’ve easily sold for 50K 6-7 years ago, making it much harder to get anything even halfway decent.

We looked online at furniture options, but again, we don’t want to jinx things and get too far ahead of ourselves till we hear what the park has to say.

To think we could be out of here by July 1st or sooner and into a real house with real space, doors that don’t flop open or flop shut, more than just a few wall outlets, normal heating/cooling, normal walls, drinkable tap water, cable, full-size appliances, dual-paned windows, sunken tubs and enough storage space to store everything we ever possessed and will possess, is utterly mind-boggling. There are pink rosebushes outside! And swimming pools, places to walk/bike ride to, and so much more!

looks skyward And you thought you were gonna send our asses outa here less than two years ago in body bags.

THURSDAY, MAY 23, 2013
Getting up this morning was hard. Tom says that what’s normal for me is simply what’s normal for me, but sometimes I wonder if I have wacky blood sugar levels causing me to need 8-10 hours of sleep instead of 6-8. Maybe I need a regular checkup after the move. It’s been since the 90s since I had one anyway. Tom’s probably right, though, I’m just being me and I just am who I am. I’ve heard it said before that people’s sleep needs vary the same as their calorie needs.

Really wish I knew when the park interview is cuz that’d help me base my schedule around that. Still, being exhausted one day won’t kill me even if I’d prefer not to show up for the interview tired any more than one wants to show up tired at a job interview. Tom should be able to tell me when it is when he gets home. He called the lady there, and sure enough, she did start off snippy just like two other realtors said she tends to be. He picked up the park application and we learned some things that are both good and bad.

They’re going to be adding water meters to all 531 houses, so that will be a long, loud and annoying project I’d have to listen to if they didn’t get it done before we moved in. But didn’t I say that once we got there there’d be things like this for me to have to deal with? I know some people feel more “alive” to hear outside sounds and their neighbor’s activities and less alone, but my attitude is, keep your shit outside the walls of my place! When I’m out and about in public, that’s one thing. But when I’m at home all I want is peace and to hear my noise and my noise only, especially when you’re a light sleeper who spends half her life sleeping during the daytime, something I still regret sharing with people. Just like my friend who battles depression is told to just “smile” and think happy thoughts, I’m told to just get up in the morning. Don’t you think we would do these things if it were that easy? Sometimes the simplest things in life just aren’t so simple. But I do my best and that’s all any of us can do.

So the water meter thing will be good for us but bad for those with yards. Some people have grass while others have gravel or shrubs and trees.

Tom said one woman asked if he was going to be her new neighbor on the way out of the office, saying she saw him looking at the house.

Another thing is they charge $50 a month for overnight guests. I don’t know if they’d charge for those who stay just a few days, but if anyone’s going to be there for any significant length of time, then they need to fill out an application with the park. So this keeps people from going to live with whomever. The only thing I don’t like is the allowing of motorcycles. That just seems all wrong and it goes against part of what a 55+ park is supposed to stand for – peace and quiet. Well, motorcycles are anything but quiet! Hopefully, this won’t open the door to other nuisances, though there’s only so much the park can restrict. The last thing people want is for them to get so restrictive that they start telling you what you can have for dinner. So far, though, with the exception of allowing for motorcycles, the rules and restrictions seem very fair and reasonable. I just hope history doesn’t repeat itself where every time we move, those who are quiet either turn noisy or move out and get replaced with noisy people. Hopefully, things will be different for the better since for the first time ever we’ll be surrounded by owners instead of renters. Renters are much more likely to be loud, rude, inconsiderate and trashy. At least in this country, they are.

While I am a little nervous going into a whole new endeavor (if we get accepted) I’m also very excited! Unless the offer is turned down, Jesse can expect bad news sometime next week. After the park meeting, we’re going to call and let him know what’s going on so that if the park calls him he’s not caught off guard. Jesse is very hard to communicate with cuz all he does is interrupt you. At least he and his mutts have been amazingly quiet. Yeah, that’s another familiar pattern I noticed years ago. Things tend to go quiet (or quieter) right before we move. I still can’t wait to get away from him! Going to sleep at 7am and wondering if some loud airplane or something else is going to wake me up is one thing, but worrying that he’ll want to come down and paint, weed or work on the roof at that time is another. And I am so, so sick of this snail-slow Internet that’s back to cutting in and out and in and out.

My biggest concern, more so than anything, is not getting in over our heads. Taking risks is one thing. Taking risks that can impact your survival is another. Tom said that if everything that could go wrong went wrong at once – another once-in-a-lifetime collapse of the economy, him getting laid off, the car breaking down completely – then yes, we could be pushed into another life or death situation although it would take a year to do it since we’re gonna try our best not to let the savings get that low. After a year we can see about refinancing.

Could anything up there hate us that much? I asked myself. Yes, it could. It most certainly could. It showed us it didn’t give a shit about us once, so couldn’t what can happen once happen twice? I think it can. But I also agree that the odds aren’t very good. Besides, the company he works for wasn’t at all affected by the economy. They’re not laying anyone off. Tom says they’re actually hiring people. So there’s plenty of work, plenty of jobs, and this is one of the few companies that doesn’t seem to favor youth, foreigners and minorities. If you can do the job, that’s all they care about, as it should be.

Nothing very exciting for dreams. The night before last I dreamed that they wanted us to dance to an aerobic type of dance video to pass their “fitness test.” I felt confident enough but wasn’t sure about Tom cuz while his job is physical, he’s not used to that kind of physical activity. But then the lady said we had to do it for 4 hours. So, agreeing to do our best, we started dancing, but then the rug underneath me started to slip. Not wanting to trip and fall I asked if I could pause the video and remove the rug. So I paused the old VHS vid, kicked the rug aside, and then the tape jammed when I went to hit ‘play’. I hope this dream isn’t saying that no matter what we do, we’ll never be able to satisfy them enough to let us live there.

But then it got really weird when I dreamed of trying to rent a room. It was just for me too, and the person I spoke with on the phone said she could rent me a room without a bathroom. “Then where the hell do I go?” I asked and she said down the hall to the community bathroom. “No thanks,” I said, “I want a bathroom in my room.” Then she kept asking what I had for weapons and I said, “I don’t have any weapons. I just want a fucking bathroom in my room!”

In last night’s dream, I was living with my parents who were back in the Land of the Living and in their 50s or 60s. They were lying in bed talking. The door was open and I stepped in to ask, “Are we all going to be sharing a condo together or will I be in my own condo?”

“I don’t know yet,” Dad said. Then he and Mom started giggling and tickling each other and carrying on in ways I’d NEVER known them to when they were alive and even rolled off the bed and onto the floor, still laughing like teenagers.

Later…

Just lit some jasmine incense. Mmm… that smells good. No news yet as to whether or not they accepted the offer. We’re still looking online in case they reject the offer or the park rejects us. So earlier Tom goes, “We’ve GOT to check this house out if they turn us down.” I looked over his shoulder at his monitor and asked what was so special about it. I mean it just looked like an average house. He said it was cuz of the last pic they posted - a close-up of a citrus tree. As in the dreams I had of citrus trees. The year and square footage are off, though the citrus tree dream was more prominent than that of years and sizes.

The Jodi Arias case really makes me shake my head with disgust. Not just cuz of what she did, but because of how the jury ended up deadlocked. How hard can it be to do the right thing and execute the bitch?! Instead, they’re just wasting time and money that could be spent on other things.

We all have things that we’re sick of hearing and for me, it’s bullshit cries or accusations of racism. Really, they just make me want to stuff a ball of yarn in the person’s mouth and slap their faces as red as an apple! I’m not the only one pissed about the mistrial, but when someone insisted the trial would be over a long time ago and she’d be put to death if she were a minority, I just want to scream. Simply scream till I lose my voice. That’s such bullshit! As someone else countered, when was the last time a black woman was executed??? They can’t even remember the last time. Tucker, Lewis, Wornous…all white women.

I have zero sympathy for the blacks of today. They have the upper hand in just about 99% of this country, so I don’t want to hear it. I try to be tolerant and all that shit, but I have my limits. If someone said something like that in front of me I just might come unglued. I am so sick of the same old bullshit sob stories! The Jews went through worse hell than the blacks ever did yet they pulled themselves up and forged ahead. They don’t choose to live in the past and use what happened to them as a weapon against others or as a means of muscling their way to the top. So why can’t blacks??? I’m sorry if Mr. So and So’s mother was fired or not hired for being black in 1950, and I’m sorry if Miss So and So’s dad was a slave a million years ago, but that was then and this is now!

Fact: Had Jodi Arias killed a black man, then yes, this case would be over already. And Jodi Arias would be sitting on death row. I don’t think she’s going to get the death penalty in the end but it won’t be because she’s white. It’ll be because too many people still have a problem with that, she only killed one person, and she has no priors.

While I’ll continue proofreading old journal entries in Word, I’ve just got to stop the publishing of the remaining entries (May-October of 1995-2011) while we’re still here due to this shitty connection. When it cuts out while uploading and saving them to the blogs, I end up losing everything and having to start over. Maybe I’ll throw the rest of May on at the end of the month and at a time of day the connection is less likely to cut out.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 22, 2013
Saw the house and we both love it! It’s definitely a huge, high-end home that borders on being a luxury home with its sunken tub, cathedral ceilings and other fancy features, and it’s definitely in a luxury park. You’d never know those homes weren’t built on-site.

There was only one thing I didn’t like and it had nothing to do with the house or our neighbor to the left. It was the damn motorcycle at the house diagonally in back. They just started letting them in, the realtor, Brenda, said. I was totally dismayed to hear that too, and that they would allow something so ferociously loud in a 55+ park cuz it makes you wonder what’s next. Loud music? Semis? Big dogs? Tom said he could tell by looking at it that the thing wouldn’t be as loud as Jesse’s Harley, but still, it was a bit too close for comfort. Not close enough to turn me off of the house completely. Not unless our immediate neighbor has one, though I didn’t see any. All I saw was a truck sitting in their open 1-car garage that I hope they never use as a workshop of any kind, even though their driveway isn’t quite as close to the house as the driveway in Phoenix was. There was only a 3-foot space between the wall of our house there and the welfare bum’s driveway. Here there’s a good-sized patio and a wall of plants and trees between their driveway and us. The neighbor’s truck suggests they may be younger. Like 50s and 60s kind of younger as opposed to 70s or 80s.

We arrived a few minutes before the realtor, parked the car in front and got out to look around. A guy was driving slowly down the street. The scattering of speed bumps doesn’t let you go that fast anyway. The guy stopped to ask if he could help us and we told him we were waiting for the realtor to show us the house. He was doing neighborhood watch. This park has all kinds of security and stuff like that. It’s a gated community, too. The back gate is always locked and the front is locked at night. Residents have a passkey to get in. There are also tire spikes that will puncture your tires if you try to enter the wrong way. When you go the right way the tires roll them down flat and they are harmless.

Like I said, this is a near-luxury home in a luxury park so I don’t want to get my hopes up. Brenda arrived stinking of cigarette smoke, and then she knocked on the door. The old couple living there, who are going to go live in an assisted living apartment once the house sells, were very nice. I’d say they were in their 80s or 90s.

I loved everything about the house, though I can’t imagine what we’d do with the rooms or fill all the space with. It would sit empty and sparsely furnished for a while because we don’t want to let our savings dip below a few grand. We’d just get what we needed right away and then wait on other things.

The living room was HUGE with its cathedral ceilings and 6 huge windows in front. That’s as many as this whole trailer has! No skylights in the place, but in a warm climate, that’s a good thing. The ceilings are level everywhere except for the living room. The online pics don’t do the place justice at all. Besides, they only shot the living room, kitchen and dining area. They didn’t shoot the laundry room which also has a built-in desk and some drawers and shelves, or the bedrooms.

I loved the huge built-in shelves in the living room between that room and the kitchen, plus the built-in hutch. Great for displaying some of the dolls.

The second bedroom is kind of smallish, but otherwise, nothing else about the house is even remotely small. You could put two king-size beds in the master bedroom. The only thing I didn’t like in there was the mirrored closet doors. Do I really need to be reminded every single day just how fat, old and ugly I’m getting? The master bath could easily hold a twin bed in the middle of it.

Surrounding the place outside is a scattering of trees, shrubs and flowers, and there’s even a good-sized workshop that we could use as a shed. I was wrong in saying it was 1500 square feet. When I looked at the list it said it was 1550. That and the workshop probably brings it to around 1700. Definitely more than we need! I have stalkers, so I better omit some of these details from my public blog.

Brenda said she just had to stop and ask my age, saying I looked in my 30s, LOL. The youngest household member has to be at least 45. After seeing the house we went outside and told Brenda we’d like to offer the asking price, and when I asked her what she thought our chances were of getting accepted by the park, she said they were very good. I hope so! But then she said a couple of disturbing things – that the manager can be “snippy.” That’s the second person to suggest this manager wasn’t very nice, reminding me of Stacey, this bitch that managed a complex I lived in down in Arizona in the 90s that made the residents’ lives hell, particularly mine. She didn’t just make me get rid of the cat I wasn’t supposed to have, she started stalking my every move. Hopefully, though, we’ll never have to deal with them after we get accepted, if we get accepted. The Klam scam has officially been kicked off our credit report! Only problem is it’s not the company they use. We’ll have to explain this to them in our letter.

Today we’re going to submit the offer and hope we beat the next two people coming to look at it who will probably also agree it’s a super nice house in a super nice location and totally worth the price. Not that I would, but I could walk around there at 3am and feel totally safe. But yeah, that’s the other disturbing thing. Two other people are going to be shown the place by different agents. I see a familiar pattern forming. After months of being on the market, just like with the Newcastle place, everyone suddenly wants to see it.

Lotta people have those little electric golf carts like my folks had in their park to get to and from the pool, clubhouse, lake, tennis courts and other goodies the park has to offer, though I’m not sure there are tennis courts there. I don’t mind walking or riding my bike so long as it’s not over 100° We’ll be dropping nearly 1000’ in elevation to close to sea level, so it’s warmer down there. Temps of 105° - 110° in the summer will be quite normal.

We never heard any barking within the park the whole time we were there, but behind the houses to the side of us are homes outside not belonging to the park. When we were outside we could hear a little barking in the distance. I just hope no loud car stereos make a habit of going back there, cuz that may be audible in the house. I’d be more concerned with the motorcycle and people next door, though, especially if they were in and out constantly and had a lot of company.

Anyway, you have 5 days to do a park interview once you make an offer that is pending approval of the park, if it’s accepted. Worst-case scenario, we are rejected but can still get a loan on anything between 20-35 grand in some other park. The other parks aren’t nearly as nice and the homes are elevated, except for one other one in Roseville, but if this park rejects you, so will Roseville. They’re luxury parks whose criteria borders on insanity.

Again, the pics don’t do this house justice, so if we get it I’ll take tons and tons of pics of both the house and the park.

Tom spoke with both the loan lady and Brenda when we got home, who emailed him some stuff we’ll need, and she asked if we wanted the tools in the workshop or anything else. This would be factored into the cost of the house. He didn’t pay any attention to what the tools were so all we’re really interested in are the appliances.

It was so nice to ride in an air-conditioned car! On the way back we grabbed a burger and fries at Carl’s Jr. here in town.

TUESDAY, MAY 21, 2013
So sorry for the people who have been affected by the Oklahoma tornado, but as usual, I refrain from praying figuring that if anything up there cared to answer the prayers, then why would it have allowed such havoc to be wreaked upon them in the first place? I still believe in fate too, and that if you pray for something that ends up happening, it’s because it was meant to be anyway, whether you asked for it or not. There are many people – including myself – who have at one time or another asked for very reasonable, fair requests only to be denied those requests. That’s why I believe that we can’t pray for what isn’t meant to be and we don’t need to pray for what is meant to be. Things are going to play themselves out the way they were fated to whether we like it or not and whether it’s fair or not. I hope those affected get what they truly need – help from fellow humans who walk on two feet and are willing to help them help themselves get back on their own two feet again after what I can just imagine has to be a truly devastating ordeal.

Anyway, I still don’t know if God exists and is just plain evil or if He’s as fictitious as the Tooth Fairy, but I need to focus on what I’m sure is real. The reality is that Tom’s picking me up after work to go see the 80s house and I’m once again wondering if it’s a waste of time. I’m sure I’ll love the house and the park and will mostly love the location within the park, but the interest rate for the loan we were approved for yesterday is a bit high. Also, we still don’t know if the park will even accept us. So I guess this house is 50/50 right now. I just don’t want us to put ourselves at risk again, even if it would only be temporary, and even if we’d still have a decent savings after the down payment and some new furniture.

We were talking about how 70 is the magic number for us. If he works until he’s 70, he not only gets a bigger retirement check, but I’ll be 62 at that time which means I get a third of whatever he gets. I forgot about that. We live in a time where the attitude is what’s yours is yours, what’s mine is mine. So I forget I’m entitled to benefits through him. If I didn’t officially retire till I was 65 (though I don’t know how you would “retire” from a home job), then I’d get half of what he gets. This would depend on how we’re doing at the time. The needier we are, the earlier I’ll retire.

I wish more cyber jobs would be created! But no one wants to work at home, so they never really pushed to create jobs that could be conducted online. Not very many anyway.

So why is Maliheh toying with me? Or is she really? I coded my last message to her to see if it would be picked up. But then I noticed her on my tracker yesterday morning and really late at night, probably when she got up and before bed. I did a little test and yes, she would actually have to open the message to send a hit to my tracker, but why? Did she just want to re-read it? Copy it for someone? Or does she know she’s putting out hits and just wants to remind me of her existence for some reason? Whatever it is she’s feeling, she’s gotta be pissed knowing her. I don’t think she’s capable of guilt at all. Whatever she feels, though, is her problem. I don’t feel guilty either, for telling her how I felt.

MONDAY, MAY 20, 2013
When I saw Maliheh on my visitor report I thought, you gotta be kidding! But then when I saw it said “no landing page,” I figured it was just her accessing her mailbox, but not the message or my blog. Hope she’s not going to show up every time she goes to check her mail. She never has before when I’ve coded messages, so why now? Did she really open the message or visit my blog? Something else? I just hope she can accept my two cents and leave it at that. She got what she wanted in the end and that’s me out of her life. But I know how vengeful she is and how quick she can be to run to the cops. I’ve done nothing illegal, but still. I don’t need any hassles from her in any way. I know I could’ve just stayed away and said nothing, but I felt I had to get things off my chest.

My blog visitor tracking site has been experiencing a lot of downtimes and it’s getting old. Oh well. Next month they’re history anyway. Unless they offer me another free year of service for taking another survey or whatever, I will no longer be tracking visitors after June 19th.

Finally had a positive moving dream, though I don’t remember much detail. Something about happily exclaiming how we beat the odds, scammers, and the God that fought so long and hard to stop this day from happening.

Then I dreamed in German. It was more than just a few words, too. I was babysitting a couple of little kids who wanted to see me write out and speak “United States” in all my languages. I said I wasn’t fluent in all the languages and wasn’t exactly a certified teacher.

“What’s a certified teacher?” they asked.

I rolled my eyes and said, “Before I try to explain that one, I’ll write United States for you.” I turned to a whiteboard and said, “Stati Uniti is Italian, Estados Unidos is Spanish and Portuguese, and Vereinigten Staaten is German. Then I was pointing to a large map of the US and saying, “Und dies es mein Land. Ich lebe hier. Erste hier (I pointed to the east of the map, then to the west) und dann hier.”

Things really are looking up for us with this house-hunting endeavor that seems to have been going on for a decade. The loan lady said our credit score is what our preferred park wants. That’s the good part. The bad is that the Klam scam is still there, and credit scores tend to fluctuate. It also depends on which report they pull up, too. The loan lady will be able to tell us more by Wednesday. I’ll be seeing the house between then and Saturday, at which time we’ll probably make an offer. Next week comes the park and hoping they’ll accept us, especially if they know we not only made an offer that was accepted (and we’ll make sure it is) but also that we even have a loan lined up. Worst-case scenario we have to pay the scammers off. Well, I hope that’s the worst thing that could happen anyway. I’d rather pay to be where we really want to be, then not pay to be where we’re not quite as happy.

We looked up this particular home’s manufacturer and learned that it does indeed have dual-paned windows. That’s all I’ll say for now, though, until and if we really do get this house.

Later…

Watched Maliheh’s video again, and I guess that yeah, that really is her singing AND playing guitar. It’s such poor quality that it’s nearly impossible to make out any details. You can’t see her features at all. I think she has straight brown hair that’s to her shoulders and maybe a bit lighter than I remember it to be. It’s probably dyed. She is older after all. Doesn’t sound it, though. Her singing is still “mixed.” Sometimes she sucks and goes flat, other times she has a strong, vibrant sound that’s right on key. I think she may actually do well singing ballads.

As they say, actions speak louder than words, and while she never told me she didn’t want to be friends with me, her actions certainly did. How do I feel about it? Well, I’m a little bit angered to have been befriended under false pretenses and I don’t appreciate people pretending to be my friend that don’t want anything to do with me, but I’m not surprised. There are a lot of phonies out there.

The whole thing is kind of sad. It didn’t have to be this way, but she chose to make her own bed and now she has to lie in it. I just hope for her sake that she really does like being alone like she told me because I don’t see how she could hold up in a relationship with the way she treats people. All she does is lead people on and give them the wrong idea about her and where she’s really coming from. Unlike 22 years ago, she never gave me the false impression of liking me more than just a friend, but she did lie about being a friend to me and wanting to be a friend to me. She knew what she was doing. She knew all along that once she felt confident that I would keep her name out of my book, she would slowly abandon me. I think it was easier for her than to explain why she was dumping me or admit that she never really wanted to be my friend. Maybe she feared I’d take it out on her friends or something if she told me the truth, but in reality, her friends have nothing to do with this unless she chooses to discuss it with them.

I know that I too, could’ve just kept my mouth shut and drifted away right along with her, but I felt I needed to get things off my chest, so that’s why I sent the message I sent her. I hesitated at first, knowing how vengeful she can be when pissed and her tendency to run to the police, but I didn’t say/do anything wrong. I told her how I felt and that’s that. We’re done with each other. Unless she emails me to tell me she stayed away because she in fact did come to have feelings for me she wasn’t comfortable with, or that she was abducted by aliens who wouldn’t exactly let her write home, I don’t want to hear from her. In fact, I doubt I’d even read anything that came in from her. I don’t think she’ll bother with me, though. Hasn’t that been the whole point in her silent treatment; to not bother with me?

Anyway, I don’t have any ill feelings for the phony chick wrapped up in a pretty package, but God help her if she ever decides to settle down. She’ll need to make some serious changes if she gets tired of that beloved solitude of hers.

Thank goodness for doggy noses. I awoke for a second when Tom was showering and caught a whiff of that familiar mildew/wet wood smell from when the sink pipe leaked. Sure enough, it’s leaking again, so I sucked some water out of the pan with the turkey baster.

SUNDAY, MAY 19, 2013
Maliheh not only did read my message, but she went to my LJ blog, too. That’s the link I have on Facebook, so she probably went from there. I’m surprised she hasn’t blocked me on FB. No replies either, though she may be taking her time to think about what she wants to say if she’s going to reply at all. I don’t think she will, though. Wonder if she’ll at least return to my blog. I doubt it.

What would I do without Andy, my loyal fan and editor? He pointed out that I never explained why I almost put the cheese under the sink yesterday, LOL. Well, it was when Tom came home with the groceries and I was unloading them that I almost did that. I’m easily distracted so when we’re talking while I’m putting things away, I can put things where they don’t belong, and that’s what I started to do with the cheese till he caught me.

Next week will be a test of just how much whatever’s up there is either for or against us. If it really gave a damn, it could line things up nicely in our favor and we could still give notice around June 1st. Tom filled out the loan application and should be given precise figures by Wednesday. Sometime between then and the weekend I’ll go to see the house. If I agree it’s suitable, though I don’t see why I wouldn’t like it better than the last house we saw as long as every single mutt in the 7 or 8 houses closest to it doesn’t go hitting their windows to bark their asses off at me.

Really beginning to wonder if someone’s watching Andy and I specifically on Ask or if there’s always someone watching everyone who changes background/profile pics. If he uploads anything inappropriate – or at least what they consider inappropriate – it gets deleted within seconds. Wonder if they could also have some automated program that scans pics and kicks out what it thinks is inappropriate, though it’s hard to believe anything that sophisticated exists.

SATURDAY, MAY 18, 2013
Good news from the lender Tom called from work yesterday! They said it’d be no problem to work with us. That doesn’t mean the park will accept us or change the fact that they’re super strict about who they take, but it certainly opens other doors for us in other parks if they don’t.

I hope the dream I had last night doesn’t mean anything bad. In it, Tom was calling around to other parks about other homes. Was this dream a sign saying the park will reject us?

I fixed the clogged shower drain by taking the plunger to it and the PMS hunger is kicking in. Perfect timing for it, though, cuz I usually stuff myself on Saturdays anyway. The hunger even woke me up last night so I knew I was burning calories. It’s no surprise with the way Andy worried me in my sleep! Yeah, I had a dream that was both worrisome and funny, but would be anything but funny if he told me what he told me in real life.

He and Kim became friends. I knew he’d eventually come to regret it once he got a firsthand taste of her insanity and the lies and delusions started adding up.

“Just don’t be surprised when she starts two-facing you and sending you rude, insulting messages anonymously while being sweet and kind to your face. This chick doesn’t know the meaning of the words friendship, kindness, caring, compassion and empathy. This chick hates. That’s all she does is hate and play pretend games, some of which may include creating accounts in your name to impersonate you.”

But he insisted it’d be “fine” and that he wasn’t worried about it. I knew, however, that he was a grown adult who had to do what he had to do and there was nothing I could do to talk him out of it till he eventually came to me admitting that I was right about her and he should’ve listened to me.

But then it got worse. Kim doesn’t live that far from him under the state line. Kim, who I’d bet just about anything, has never even so much as been kissed in her entire life. Naturally, I was horrified when he discussed actually meeting with her.

“Ok,” I said, “normally I let people do what they’re going to do but here’s where I can’t help but beg you not to meet with her. You don’t understand just how insane she is. These people, along with the other troll, live in a time warp. Once you let her go she’ll never let you go. She’ll harass you for life. She’ll always believe in her mind that you’re still friends, that you give a damn about her, and that you guys saw each other or chatted just yesterday. I don’t know that she’s physically dangerous, but what if she is? You DON’T want to meet her or let her see where you live!”

And then it got even worse! Andy decided to make her his sex slave and she agreed to it. “You know I don’t care about looks,” he insisted, “if it’s just for sex. Therefore, body parts don’t matter either since I’m not going to be servicing them.”

That’s when I went into panic mode and said, “You’ll care about looks when you see this one, trust me. Also, what if my MPD suspicions are right? That’s usually brought on by childhood sexual abuse, Andy. What if she has flashbacks about whoever molested her and goes crazy on you?”

And so I woke up hopelessly trying to talk him out of meeting with this psychopath that easily outweighs him.

Later…

I’m doing a test right now to see if Kim really isn’t reading my other blogs when I don’t update MD, be it because she can’t view it well on her cell, wants to avoid tracking, or whatever. I didn’t post the entry about the dream she was in on MD. It’ll be interesting to see what “questions” may come in on Ask when I finally do.

It’s a good thing Tom was in the kitchen to stop me from accidentally putting the cheese under the sink. In the box it was in I thought it was freezer bags at first, haha.

We scanned in the important papers we’ll need for dealing with the park people and the lenders.

Other than pigging out and doing laundry, it’s been a relaxing day. Tom put the hubcap back on that fell off, and fixed the car’s AC.

They’ve given Tom back his weekends, but still OTing him during the week. The extra money is still nice, but so is his getting to have the entire weekend off.

We were debating whether or not the home we hope to get but don’t expect to get has dual-paned windows, since it doesn’t say so in the listing. He thinks it does, I think it doesn’t, but then Tom read that if your home was built after 1980, it probably has dual-paned windows.

I’m just trying not to get my hopes up. I won’t even plan in my mind what I’d want to do with each room. He started to ask where I’d put what and I said, “I don’t even want to go down that road again. Not until we actually get a place. Then I’ll decide.”

Later…

I don’t know if some glitch will prevent her from getting it or she just won’t care to read it, but I sent my final two cents to Maliheh. As I told her, she’s… well, here’s what I told her she is, but first, I found a video of her singing and playing guitar on YouTube. I can’t swear that that was her in front on guitar because it was of poor quality. The person seemed a bit tall and heavy to be her, but if it was her, she plays guitar much better than she sings. She’s just an average singer. Like me she’s better than most but nothing to flip over. So here’s what she’ll no doubt call my “Dear John” letter to her.

I don’t know if some glitch will prevent her from getting it or she just won’t care to read it, but I sent my final two cents to Maliheh. As I told her, she’s… well, here’s what I told her she is, but first, I’m not going to use just her initial. I’m not obligated to her in any way and since we’re no longer friends and she dumped me like a hot potato, I’m in no position to really care about her feelings, though I’ll never use her last name.

Wow, I missed your birthday! Guess I was just too busy to care. Well, what do you think? Think I might’ve been too busy not giving a shit? You know, sort of like how you never gave a shit about me. You sure put on a good act for me for a while, though. Are you proud of yourself for proving my deepening suspicions to be correct? Yeah, Maliheh, “I’ve been sick,” or “I’ve been busy” won’t cut it anymore, so please don’t try that one on me. You’ve gotten too obvious that no matter how many times you try to tell me it’s not me and that you’ll always be my friend and not stay away so long in the future, I’ll never believe it.

But you’re right, it’s not me. It’s YOU. You befriended me under false pretenses just to keep your name out of the book like many suggested was the case, and like I came to suspect in time. If your heart wasn’t in the idea of us being friends, why then? Why? Why couldn’t you simply have contacted me and said, “Look, I really don’t want to be your friend, but I’d like to ask you to remove my name?” I would have honored your request. Instead, you thought you could just order me around, make demands, then discard me like yesterday’s trash once you’d gotten what you wanted.

Or maybe you really were a true friend for a while, then got sick of me or something and were just afraid to come out and tell me you were dumping me for fear of me bashing you in my blog, using your name in a book, or taking it out on your friends. I won’t, though. You’re the same person you were in 1991, but I’ve changed. If I said your name would remain out of my books, it will. Same for leaving your friends alone. As for my blog, no worries there either. I won’t make up any tall tales about you, BUT… it is my blog and I have the right to express myself in it. Even though I’m not legally obligated to do so I usually only refer to you as just M. Look up blogger’s rights and you’ll see that as long as I don’t use full names, give sensitive info, or make any threats, then I’m not doing anything wrong.

In coming to learn through your actions and not your words that my friendship meant nothing to you, now I don’t know if the things you told me are even true. Do you really sing and play the guitar? You sure seemed to and the things on your FB account (yes, there are ways to legally view private accounts without hacking into them, including PMs) but then why were you so unwilling to share videos with me? And do you really think I’m a good writer? IDK, maybe you don’t think I’m talented at all. Maybe you really think I suck shit, but I know one thing for sure. I have never done a damn thing wrong to you other than the prank calls I made and pestering your pals. You have done nothing but fuck with my head and lie to me, both in the past and the present, and I’m going to make sure that it never happens again. You were always just a typical bitch wrapped up in a pretty package. If I were single and looking I’d go right for those fatties, uglies and plain lame Janes I always used to bitch about getting stuck with. They’re the only ones who are for real and because I was never all that good-looking myself they knew I was real too, while your kind knew I was too good for you. Literally.

The red flag first went up when you refused to chat via phone and to add me on Facebook. Sorry, but I don’t buy your claims of not being very active there. Maybe you weren’t then, but you sure have been for quite a while now. So to tell me you only check in once in a blue moon to see who’s died is ridiculous. C’mon anyone that can master the guitar is not dumb. And guess what? I’m not either. I think you really did read the book. You probably had nothing to do with whoever was impersonating you for a while there or harassing me on ask.fm, but sending me friend requests and then quickly canceling them wasn’t very funny. I didn’t appreciate it one bit. Did that picture of you and Karen Carpenter really ever exist that you promised to share but never did? I just don’t know what to believe anymore, but it doesn’t matter because this is the last you will ever hear from me. We’re DONE.

Another red flag was when you said you hated it when people would send messages asking if you were ok if they didn’t hear from you for months, as if you knew you were planning on slowly drifting away once you felt comfortable and confident enough knowing you’d gotten what you wanted. Oh, I don’t doubt you’ve had your share of illnesses and hardships. But two people don’t go from talking nearly every day to not talking for months that are good friends. You wouldn’t even take the time to send me a quick message once a week. You promised not to let so much time go by again, but you did. Now don’t worry. I’m not going to beg you to change. I wouldn’t want anyone to stay in my life that was unhappy. I don’t regret what we had, but like I said, we’re done. I lost all respect for you. I’m as done with you as you have been with me. It was fun and it was interesting for a while, but I find it harder and harder to care about those who don’t care about me. Maybe you don’t wish bad things upon me, but you certainly don’t care about me. Nonetheless, you were someone I once loved and so I will cherish the memories of those months of chatting with you. Meanwhile, how you take this “Dear John” letter or whatever you want to call it is up to you. You’re welcome to visit my blogs if you ever really want to know what’s up with me, but I won’t be bothering you with any more emails.

You DID ask me to dance with you as soon as my friend and I entered the bar. You DID give me a reason to think the attraction was mutual. You DID kiss me on the way out of the place. You DID give me your phone number yourself. No, I don’t think you were drunk, but I do think you were deliberately playing with my head and that you were never really attracted to me. Only I was too naïve to see it at the time. And I don’t believe you weren’t behind those prank calls either, I happened to get an UNLISTED number that less than a dozen people had after I was charged with the pranks to you.

You said you like being alone. Do you really? Or are you alone because of how you are? Well, your reasons are your business and while you may like to be alone, I hope you at least have a lot of friends since you burned me as a bridge as far as a possible safety net goes. If you’re ever homeless, I won’t be there for you, and I know you’re not doing too well right now cuz of the dreams. In one dream I was working outside on whatever. You walked up to me and said, “Do you know who I am?” I said, “Yeah, I know who you are.” I made sure to let you know with my tone that I really didn’t care either, reminding you that you threw me away like an old, used-up dishrag once you’d finally gotten what you wanted from me.

How do you live with yourself? I wonder.

Now it’s my turn to tell YOU what to do. You will A, never email me again because it will be marked as spam instead of actually read. You will B, never contact me on Facebook or any other site, though I don’t care if you read my blogs. You will C, find a dildo made of metal, heat it up on the stove and shove it up your arse.

Goodbye “Boss”

FRIDAY, MAY 17, 2013
No one tried to set me on fire in my dreams last night, but I sure was tired when I got up. I slept pretty solid too, for 8 hours, but felt anything but refreshed. After Tom left I fixed myself something to eat hoping it would perk me up. It didn’t. Realizing that even if I fell back asleep until noon (even though I knew I wouldn’t sleep that late), I’d still have enough time to do everything I wanted to get done before Tom got home. So I took a 3-hour nap, which helped a lot. Got up, worked out, showered, then did some cleaning and laundry. I also hand-shredded some soda boxes that were taking up space and did the grocery list.

The place is now the cleanest it’s been in weeks. It took me nearly an hour just to get all the hair and grime out of the bathroom yesterday after slacking off for too long. I guess I was just too busy dreaming instead of living. But no slacking off until and if we ever officially give notice. I don’t know how many more months or years we’ll be here, but we’re not going anywhere anytime soon.

Tammy left a message saying she was too sick to get to her appointment, probably due to stress. She didn’t sound too bad and I’m hoping they won’t need to do the transplant. Mark’s blood work hasn’t been very good, though nothing to get overly alarmed about either. I just hope they both get some serious answers soon! And Andy too, who has been having breathing problems. I think both Massachusetts and Arizona are lousy states to be in if you have any kind of lung issues. Humid places are probably the worst.

Tammy also said she and Mark thought the house we’re currently after is gorgeous and they hope we get it. Yeah, but as I explained to them, this is in the Rolls Royce of parks and I think they’re more likely to turn us down than any lenders would be. A year from now, our credit will be outstanding, and the Klam scam will expire if we can’t get it disputed. They have until the 22nd to let us know what they’re going to do about that. It’s sad that people would pay to spite others. It may not be much, but the rental company has to pay to keep their shit on our report. Still, we don’t want to wait a year to get into our preferred park when there are other parks that may not be as nice but are still nice enough. Tom intends to explain to the park people about how we’re disputing the credit and all that, but if they’re anything like what we heard they’re like, then they’re not willing to work with anyone who doesn’t have 100% perfect credit with a super high score.

But it’s such a fancy park that that’s why the space rents and houses are more expensive there. Everyone wants to live there. Yet they won’t budge on anything. The realtor that showed us the barking house said a lady tried to get in that was just a few months shy of turning 55 and they said no way.

I’m up to date as far as what’s going on but am still in the mood to write. So I thought I’d address a certain issue – anger. Andy and I were talking about it the other day. To me, anger is the third-worst emotion after fear and depression. It’s no fun at all to be pissed off, and I don’t think anyone wants to be that way or chooses to be that way. I think most sane people would rather feel positive emotions. In fact, I just chatted with a friend who suffers from depression and she told me she feels like I understand her. I’m not going to tell her to just smile or think happy thoughts. As she said, wouldn’t she have done this if it were that simple? Duh! But she still does try to help herself with doing things she enjoys when she can and that’s what I try to do too, when I find myself getting angry with anyone who’s ever wronged me in the past or something like that.

When Andy said that while he was sorry about what happened to me in Arizona he also found it sad that my anger was still as fresh as if it happened last year. At first I just rolled my eyes and was like, yeah, yeah, you’re sad about a lot of things you don’t get. But I can kind of see where he’d say that even though he – along with anyone else who didn’t experience what I experienced firsthand – couldn’t possibly fully understand why I feel the way I do.

As I told him, “lasting” more appropriately describes the effects of the legal abuse I endured, more so than “fresh.” It’s one of those things that like most traumatic events can seem like it happened just yesterday because it was so severe for so long. So yeah, something that severe and compounding really can seem more recent than it actually was. The effects are permanent no matter how many times you try to reason with yourself and tell yourself that those who victimized you can never hurt you again. No, it’s not like I expect them to jump out at me when I open the closet door (I almost wish they would), but the memories live on and so does the paranoia. While it’s easy to tell myself they would’ve hunted me down and harmed me by now if they wanted to, it’s only natural to wonder at times if those trees I heard rustling when I was outdoors was really just a deer, or could it be them, ready to shoot and kill?

I know some people would agree with my being angry and unforgiving of those involved, and that some would disagree with it, but as my therapist told me 12 years ago, “Never let anyone judge you for your emotions. There are no right or wrong emotions or length of time you should feel them. As long as you’re not harming others or doing anything to yourself that’s self-destructive, don’t try to stifle your feelings. Let yourself feel whatever it is you feel.”

And so I have heeded her advice over the years.

Forgiveness seems to be something many people can pick and choose at will, but it doesn’t work that way for me any more than I can pick and choose flavors, colors and music I like or dislike. It simply is what it is for me. Although I probably wouldn’t want to be in touch with them, I could forgive almost anyone who delivers a true, honest heartfelt apology to me. If you can recognize and admit you did wrong and say “I’m sorry,” I’m willing to put almost anything in the past and move on. I may not forget it and I may not want to be friends with you again, if I ever was to begin with, but I am totally capable of forgiving most things.

These people, however, are one of the few exceptions no matter how many heartfelt apologies, cash or other things they threw my way. No doubt about that, and I feel no shame or guilt for it. I don’t and I won’t apologize for my thoughts, feelings, opinions, emotions, beliefs, hopes, goals, fears or dreams and I never ever will. I’m open to ideas and suggestions, but in the end I always prefer to be true to myself and just let me be me.

Andy commented on how I once had good things to say about Arizona and now I see the state as dirt. Yeah, I do see the state as dirt. But I still have some nice things to say about it. I met some very evil people there, yes, but I also met some of the nicest people ever, including my husband. I often miss the annoying but cool monsoon storms at times. So I have mixed emotions about the state. Yes, thinking Arizona reminds me of the assholes that screwed me, but it still had its fun moments.

I guess they haven’t decided yet if they’re going to sentence Jodi Arias to death as I feel she should be to save the taxpayers the expense of feeding and housing her for the rest of her life. I would be both surprised and not surprised if she did get the death penalty. I’d be surprised because that sentence is usually reserved for those who kill multiple people, and because the justice system isn’t always very good at doing what’s right. But then I wouldn’t be surprised because she’s a woman, and Arizona, which is a notoriously strict state often in a barbaric way, is especially hard on whites. Had she killed a black man, that’d up her chances of getting the needle for damn sure.

THURSDAY, MAY 16, 2013
Thirty years after the fact I’m still having Valleyhead nightmares. Several of my VH sisters and I were back there again. Not sure if we were kids again or if we were there as adults, but anyway, evil A and her equally evil sister managed to herd us into the music room (even though the original VH was burned down by a “student” in 1987). There was a long bar running the length of the room. They took one of our wrists and handcuffed each of us to the bar. We thought it was some kind of game or joke so we were all laughing and all that until they started throwing gasoline on us. Before they could light us all on fire, I managed to break free of my cuffs and run outside into the woods.

I burst into a clearing and saw Mr. Merritt, the school’s former owner until the FBI shut down the one they built after the fire. I called to him in a panic and thought it a bit odd that he should be smiling happily instead of wearing a look of concern over how freaked out I obviously was. When I told him they were trying to torch us, he just laughed.

I spun around and ran back into the woods. I was coughing and gagging on the gas fumes when I tripped and fell into a shallow pit. I can’t swear to it, but I think the hands that went under my arms to pull me up right before I awoke were my foster mother’s.

I asked Tom if he thought that was a sign of us being trapped here, but since I did escape in the end, he thinks maybe it could mean just the opposite. Well, I don’t know when the hell we’re getting out of here, but I know we’re aiming for yet another house we probably won’t get. At least it’s at our favorite park. It’s 1500 square feet. That’s 3 of what we’re in now. A bit bigger than we need but it definitely excites me more than the last place did. It’s not in as ideal of a location as the Newcastle place was or even the last CH place we saw together since the neighbor’s carport didn’t run alongside the place, but I definitely like the house pics and area better. Tom saw it yesterday on his way home from work and said it was well-maintained and very nice. It’s not empty, though. There’s a very old couple – amazingly petless – that are still living in it and ready to move to an assisted living apartment complex. Tom asked the realtor if they’re sure they want to sell the place as he doesn’t want to force anyone out. And I don’t want to play games with people who aren’t serious either, but she assured him they really are serious about moving.

The only negative is that 28K is kind of pricy. Yes, the 1983 spacious home is nice, and yes it’s fully loaded with everything we need – fridge, dishwasher, washer/dryer – but it doesn’t have dual-paned windows, or does it?

Andy didn’t like it cuz it’s on a corner. It’s not only on a corner, but the street wraps around 3 sides of the place and we’d only have one immediate neighbor. I prefer streets to neighbors. Traffic moves. Neighbors can hang outdoors in carports and patios for hours. Also, there’s no through-way there. It’s in the back of the park and so only those that live back there would use those streets.

If we ended up in this place, then I would be so glad we got outbid on the last one. For the first time in my life, I would think something actually did us a favor rather than take an opportunity away from us. Seeing that field in back of the last place made me a little nervous. Then seeing the hangout the people on the right had set up made me a little more nervous (I don’t want people camped outside my window sitting around gabbing and being that annoyingly close). But once that mutt hit the window and went off on us, that was a real punch in the stomach, not that there may not be dogs barking out of windows across the street from this place.

So the next step is to work with the realtor who works with lenders who also works with the park. Still no word on the Klam scam dispute, but our credit is climbing higher.

Later…

Heard from the Kimotherfucker on Ask #1 until I tweaked my settings. The sicko truly seems to believe we’re still damn good friends and sometimes I wonder if she even thinks we’re lovers. I first thought she was consciously going out of her way to make trouble for me, but now I wonder if it’s her twisted belief that I actually give a shit about her that’s causing her inability to let go after nearly a year of being dumped by me. I had no idea just how deep her insanity ran. Just no idea at all.

In an age when communication should be easy as hell, it’s so frustrating when you can’t send/receive any non-friends messages and sometimes you can’t even send/receive friend messages. I often wonder if I should create a second account and see if that one has better luck with that sort of thing. Then I could also see if I’m blocked or the person deactivated when someone disappears. This way I would also have a backup in case anything happened to my main account. I almost wish the Zuck fuck would start charging now. That’d make these dilemmas a lot easier since all I’d do is leave at that point.

I’m also pissed at some of these email services. Hotmail can still be hit or miss, and some providers, like AOL, have put blocks on mail.com due to spam. I’m beginning to wonder if the messages I sent Maliheh that I was so sure she was ignoring were in fact not received. That still doesn’t explain why she hasn’t contacted me, though, unless Yahoo has issues as well. I think what I’ve thought for a while now where she’s concerned – that she friended me under false pretenses, got what she wanted, and now she’s gone. Hope she’s never in serious need again because we’re one bridge she has certainly burned.

Figured out how to delete my LJ blog. Not sure I ever will, but it’s nice to know the option is there.

Tom forgot to bring up the trash this morning and I’m kind of glad he did. It was a nice hike up that hill and the weather’s cool, though lovely. I figured it wouldn’t really rain today, but it is cool enough to close windows for the first time in a week or so. I have the bathroom one open but we’re going to need heat for the next two nights.

Tom usually places the trash on the hood of the car and drives it up the hill on his way to work on Thursdays, but his forgetting gave me a nice workout. Had to be careful not to slip on the way back down. The drive has gravel on it so I had to walk in the middle where there are some weeds for better traction. I really am quite a runner, though, and that’s a good thing. If anyone ever grabs my handbag I want to be able to chase them down, and I will. I’m gonna pummel them to death with the damn thing, too.

I’m surprised the dogs didn’t go off on me when I reached the fork, but I didn’t make much noise. I also think whoever was staying with the Jes pest and then left, has returned. The dogs have been too quiet for just the Jes pest to be there. There hasn’t been any weekend or daytime barking other than the usual few barks if someone goes up there.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 15, 2013
Trying to wipe down the rats’ cage with them inside isn’t very easy when they try to chase and grab the rag, LOL. They think everything is a game.

In last night’s dream, Tom and I were hiding out somewhere. He was in big trouble, though I don’t know what it was he supposedly did, since he’s not exactly the criminal type, LOL. Still, the cops wanted him and so we had to think of a way to deceive the bastards. Tom came up with a way to make an exact replica of himself to throw by the freeway. That way the pigs would think he got hit by traffic and quit looking for him. But the timing had to be perfect and all the while I was worried about his “other self” stinking up the place as he decomposed. It was one weird-ass crazy dream!

The house-hunting thing is still the same old waiting game that never ends. Everything is either too much, too far, or too something. I know we’ll be here for a long time to come, but I’ve pretty much accepted that. It’s all I really can do. I’m trying to unpack some things and make this place as comfortable as possible, but when you don’t have the space to work, it’s a real challenge.

They say it’s to be just 66° and rainy tomorrow, but I’ll believe it when I see it. It’s been quieter overall, but May-September is when it’s at its quietest here anyway.

Kim asked what it would take to get me to update MD. At least I think it’s her. I ignored it, but plan to update it on the 1st. For now, she can go to MO, which I just opened up again since I haven’t seen Molly on my tracker for two days now. Again, though, I still don’t get these people’s interest in my journal which I cut ties with years ago. Who the hell belittles themselves to following someone who doesn’t want anything to do with them like some desperate little puppy??? Is that all they feel they deserve is people who can’t stand them?

Chatted with my usual buddies, Andy, Nane and Aly. Hope Maliheh noticed that I’m ignoring her birthday, LOL, but I doubt she ever gives me a second’s thought anymore.

TUESDAY, MAY 14, 2013
Got a nasty case of PMS fatigue going. I slept just fine but have no energy whatsoever. It seems pretty fucked up that a woman can elect to have her boobs enlarged but she can’t elect to have a hysterectomy. Really, what’s the point of needlessly going through PMS and periods month after month??? You hear all this talk about a woman’s right to kick her bun out of the oven, and that’s fine, but she should also have the right to remove the oven in the first place. It’s her body, isn’t it?

I hope Jodi Arias receives the death penalty. People say death is too easy and she should be made to suffer in jail for the rest of her life, but why should people have to pay for her to suffer? Why should the burden fall on the taxpayers of Arizona to have to pay to house and feed the bitch all her life?

I look the absolute worst I’ve ever looked in my life, and I think that no matter how much I work my abs I’m simply too old to have a flat stomach ever again. I think that no matter how much I work out and try to watch what I eat I’m just going to keep getting bigger and uglier till the day I die, but I should still work out because working out keeps you fit no matter how much extra fat you may have. I’ve been slacking off in that department and I’ve got to stop being lazy and making excuses to put off working out for just one more day, which turns into another day, and so on and so forth. It only takes a couple of weeks of slacking off to notice a decline in energy and stamina. I’m just glad I’m not single and playing the dating game as I know I could never get anyone, man or a woman. Hell, if the women didn’t want me when I was young and skinny, why would they now?

I asked Tom when he is going to believe me when I tell him something’s trying to keep us trapped here, and he said 2014. That long, huh? Well, it’s already obvious enough to me, but the question is why. Is it just trying to keep us from owning and having more space? Or would it actually be even noisier there and that’s why it’s trying to stop us?

So he can go on looking for what we can’t have and that isn’t meant to be, but I’ve already given up in my mind. If we ever do get out of here it’s not going to be for a long, long time to come.

It was dead quiet here yesterday, but Mondays usually are. I’m sure I’ll hear all kinds of things today. If it weren’t for dogs, saws, and loud vehicles here, it would have been dogs, people and some loud vehicles in a park. It still would’ve been nice to have a bigger, nicer, newer place that was all ours, but we obviously don’t deserve that much in life, so maybe I can get myself to unpack at least some of the stuff I packed.

I only had one lightheaded spell yesterday and none so far today. Yesterday I did have some gas and a queasy belly, though I don’t know why. I hadn’t eaten in hours. No runs either, but for a minute there I thought I was going to be in for them when I got up.

Aly alerted me to Molly’s newest FB account but said she couldn’t find it even though she forgot to block it after declining her friend invite. I couldn’t find her either, nor was she on my visitor list. Mommy Dearest must’ve discovered her newest playground for bashing and threatening people and kicked her back offline. So much for the group home doing her any good and teaching an old dog new tricks.

MONDAY, MAY 13, 2013
Since Molly’s sister thought Alison cared so much that she notified her that the troll would be home and online till the 19th, I thought it a bit strange that she hadn’t shown up on my tracker. I got a couple of visits from someone in Weslaco but found that the person had XP and not Win7. I didn’t think anything of it till I saw they were accessing old posts and that their provider was Road Runner like Molly’s. Also, when I pulled up the map I saw they were right outside of Harlingen, so that’s when I knew it had to be Molly. She’s probably at a relative’s place though it’s not uncommon for our locations to change even if we’re always at the same place. Today it’s saying I’m in Elk Grove.

Mark is really, really hell-bent on making Facebook shittier than ever. Yes, the Zuck sucks. I was talking to Nina, the woman in Sarajevo who runs one of the nature pic pages I subscribe to just learned that you now have to pay for “likes” and how it’s getting harder and harder to reach people on FB. I know. I can’t even send non-friends messages half the time. It says it was sent to their ‘other’ box since now the cheap bastard wants us to pay for hitting their inbox, but never appears as ever being read. The few friend requests I’ve sent to people I once knew aren’t even being received.

As I told her, I’d love to drop FB and I would in a heartbeat if there was a better way to keep in touch with friends and family. Only it wouldn’t be that easy to convince everyone to keep in touch either by email or on other sites. It’s just not as convenient or as fun for people to keep in touch via email. So as much as I hate it it’s not something I can just up and leave, but you bet your ass I will if they ever do start charging us a fee! That’s where I definitely draw the line even if it’s just a few bucks a month. Facebook doesn’t need more money. The Zuck fuck doesn’t need more money. I’m not going to pay selfish, greedy assholes in which enough is never enough. The bastard’s a billionaire and doesn’t need our money nearly as much as we do.

What sucks is that all good things eventually do come to an end. I can’t think of many sites that haven’t gone to hell and changed for the worse. Even air freshener goes to hell. Glade made it so their sprays quit working before the bottles are empty, and Airwick’s stuff now makes me cough. It’s gonna suck when Febreze trashes their products as well.

Tom just got up and said that’s what they always wanted to do is charge people to use their damn site and all its glitches. Says it should be a long time, though. Well, I’m definitely gone when it happens! They are going to lose sooo many people if they start charging people. I hope people will want to keep in touch in other ways, but hey, that’ll be a good test of just how much they care. :)

Because I have accumulated so many pictures I got some really cool software yesterday direct from Apple’s app store for $10. It’s easy to end up with duplicates when you download so many pics. This software hunts for dupes and similar pics as well.

Been having spells of lightheadedness and at least partial runs and I don’t know why. I don’t get dizzy, though. The room doesn’t spin and I don’t experience sensations of vertigo or anything like that. I just get a funny feeling in my head and sometimes my ears ring. Like with most symptoms, if I try looking them up it tells me I have all kinds of diseases. Let’s see… my digestive tract is bleeding and I think I may have an unusual heartbeat, too. Oh, low blood sugar. Can’t forget that one.

It really is getting warmer and drier each year. We don’t usually have windows open round the clock till around mid-June, but here it is, not even mid-May yet, and we’ve had them open for days.

Today’s Maliheh’s birthday and I’ve made sure not to wish her a happy birthday, of course. If she can forget my birthday I can forget hers. Only difference is that she forgot mine because she never cared enough to think of me by then in the first place, having realized she’d gotten what she wanted from me.

SUNDAY, MAY 12, 2013
I’m now starting to wonder if Mary’s claim of me supposedly having another blog to bash her in was bullshit. I first thought someone was impersonating me, but I can’t find anything and it’s not like you can deactivate on MO in a single click. You have to put in a request, which can take weeks. I have found nothing with my name or username like the one I have. So why would her little informant think it was me if nothing in my real name or username comes up anywhere?

If Molly’s been online at all, she hasn’t been to my blogs unless she’s keeping under radar, something I’ve never known her or her mother to do before. She’s probably forbidden to go to certain sites, especially ones where she does a little bashing of her own. I do have regulars in her state, but not her hometown or the one she’s been living in.

Had to block Lori again after stupidly unblocking her. While I usually prefer the more honest route, I chose to block her and let her think it was a glitch rather than unfriend her. If I unfriended her she’d want to know why and I don’t want to offend her or hurt her feelings by telling her she’s a fucking pest. Really, no one’s ever pestered me as much as she does. She rarely has anything interesting to say, she repeats herself over and over, and she just drives me crazy. She’s not unbalanced or anything. She’s actually a very nice woman. She’s ugly as hell, though. Typical of what I get showering me with so much attention. They’re always either crazy or ugly or both. I don’t need to ask her if she’s at least bi to know she has a thing for me. She made that plenty obvious. As I said, we all fantasize about someone being so into us that they follow our every move. Just not to the point of driving us crazy with 10 comments, 10 wall posts and 10 messages every single day! And when oh when are they going to be sane and smart??? They don’t have to look like they stepped off the cover of Vogue, but still… the same old shit gets old. Makes a person feel ugly and like that’s all they deserve the attention of, whether they’re happily married or committed or not.

Just minutes after I reconnected with her she managed to leave 5 posts and comments and a message in just a few minutes. I looked and found I could block her from seeing what others post to my wall since she loves to butt into my conversations with others, but I can’t stop her from posting or commenting on posts unless I block everyone from doing so. So that’s why I had to cut her off completely. She just won’t quit smothering me. A few times a week is one thing; a few times a day is another.

Had two dreams that we visited Tammy. Although my dreams don’t seem to mean shit anymore, it was a little alarming. For one, we wouldn’t visit her unless she couldn’t come here. If she couldn’t come here that would mean we really are trapped here indefinitely, although she could stay in a hotel. More than likely, though, it would mean she was too ill to travel. I also didn’t like how she shrunk down to nothing in my arms as we hugged each other when I arrived. She started off as her usual self, but then she was sickly thin when I pulled back.

Later…

“This is your home,” I keep trying to tell myself. “Accept it, love it, embrace it, and quit whining about what you can’t have instead of appreciating what you do have.” Yes, it’s scary to admit something up there can hate us so much that it feels we don’t deserve a home of our own no matter how goddamn hard we work and no matter how much we save, but I am still bound and determined to learn to make the best of it and focus on the good things. We may never have a home of our own that we truly love – just isn’t meant to be – but we will always have each other. Besides, a 55+ park would probably be even noisier than here with that many people that close together. Mutts barking out windows and while being walked would certainly have gotten really old really fast, and a community with on-site homes might’ve been even worse since they have yards there. They wouldn’t leave the dogs out overnight there, but what’s to stop them from doing so in the daytime? So maybe something’s actually looking out for us, IDK. I just know that it’s time to catch up on cleaning and shit like that, which I’ve stupidly neglected month after month, thinking we were getting out of here any day. We’re going to be here indefinitely. The sooner I accept that the better. Bringing myself to unpack things is going to be harder than cleaning but I can do it and I will do it.

I have been scolded for preferring to keep a journal publicly and told that it’s “sad.” And I am sad by the fact that so many people find my own personal choices and preferences sad. Aren’t there more important things to be sad about?

Actually, there is. What’s “sad” is that my husband and I can have 16K but no home of our own. The funny part was when we were out yesterday. On the way to and from Mel’s diner where he got an omelet and I got ribs, we went by some car dealerships. Some were used and others were for lease, but we were laughing at just how many of the cars we saw that we could up and buy outright if we suddenly wanted to. We are definitely, definitely not poor right now. Only in our living quarters are “poor,” LOL. The question is how long will we have money?

Another sad thing is how many people mention separate bank accounts from their spouses. I can see maybe one joint, one separate, but so many couples these days are so big on separatism and independence. What’s the point of getting married then? It used to be that what was his was hers and what was hers was his. But now most of society has decided that Tom’s money is HIS money, not OUR money. Does that mean I shouldn’t share my inheritance with him, or is it ok to do so because I didn’t work for that money? I can see having separate bedrooms for those who are light sleepers, separate baths, and separate vehicles, but the shit’s still BOTH of yours, for God’s sake! Shouldn’t what matters the most be that the couple has what they need and not which one “earns” it? It’s a good thing most marrieds are skipping kids these days. I would think this attitude would instill even more selfishness in what’s already enough selfish, spoiled little brats out there.

Yeah, it may be wrong not to work if both people are able-bodied and don’t really need the money, but if they’re happy and they don’t have a problem with it, then why should we? I just don’t get why it is that how other people live their lives can be more important to some people than their own lives, things that don’t even affect them personally.

I used to be guilty of worrying about others more than I should as well. For a while, I tried to encourage Andy to make more friends to fill in for when I wasn’t around on Ask since he’s more into the site than I am, but then I realized he’s a big boy. He can decide for himself when to make more friends and what kind of friends, just like I’ve decided (without guilt) that I don’t want to make additional friends. The cyber world isn’t much different than the real world. Most people suck shit on and offline with their phoniness, their lies and their judgmental ways. I’ve met a lot of sweet people that I hope to always be friends with, but the trolls and assholes out there aren’t worth the drama that would come with meeting more people.

I think that the only thing different about the virtual world is that we can’t physically reach out and touch the people we interact with. But other than that, what’s different about it? What’s really, really different about it than the real world? If anything it brings people even closer on a deeper, more personal level. I wouldn’t even know Nane existed if it weren’t for the internet. I used to write journals by hand when Andy and I lived in MA. He could’ve read it every time we got together, but it wouldn’t have been nearly as convenient as it is in cyberspace. He can go to my blog any time of day or night with or without me knowing about it. Those Fleetwood Mac pics he loves to collect; sure I’d see some of them on his walls when I’d be at his place, but when he has it as a background picture on Ask or a cover photo on FB it’s harder to miss. When I cut ties with him in 1999 (yes, I know I’m an asshole for it and some of you out there, even if it has nothing to do with you directly, can hate me all you want even though it’s been owned up to and apologized for years ago), it was easy to simply vanish into thin air without a trace. Online it’s different. You can delete and ignore people all you want, but if they really want to get at you, it’s a helluva lot easier to do so online. You can run, but you can’t always hide very well online if someone gets obsessed with you. If anyone knows this it’s me. But that’s my point. There isn’t much difference between cyber and reality. You just can’t hug, screw or kiss the person you’re in touch with.

SATURDAY, MAY 11, 2013
The blur of chocolate and vanilla fur rolling round and round as the rats play put a smile on my face, though I’m still in a foul mood. Still entertaining fantasies of making the streets of Auburn a little bit safer one pervert at a time, too. A perfect stranger donned a black robe 13 years ago and decided I was something I’m not. Cleared in the end or not, maybe I oughta live up to some of these false labels people like to stick on me. For now, does the spider I killed in the bathroom count?

Tom still wants to keep looking but I still don’t see why we should bother. It isn’t meant to be. I get that. I accept that. I don’t like it and I don’t get it but it is what it is. Everything’s either too expensive, too far, or we get outbid.

After a month or so I’d love to ask whoever got the place if the mutt next door barked that often, curious to see if it really would’ve been the problem I feared it would be, or if it was just an occasional thing.

So much for laughing at the idea of giving Jesse “bad news” soon. Yeah, you little pest. You ain’t getting your bad news anytime soon. Lucky you.

FRIDAY, MAY 10, 2013
I’m shocked, relieved and bummed out to say that we were outbid on the “barking” house. I figured that if the bastard above would be on our side with anything it would be with getting a noisier place since He seems to love to sic all kinds of extremes and flukes on me where that’s concerned. But now I know that it’s not about getting us into a less-than-ideal place, it’s about us owning. Period. The bastard doesn’t want us owning anything at all. I should’ve figured as much. Would He have seen to it that we lost two places in two states and have been renting for the last 9 years if we were meant to ever own again?

The realtor couldn’t tell us what the other people bid, of course, but she asked if we could bid higher and while we could’ve afforded to bid over the 15K, it wasn’t worth it for a 1977 place with no fridge/washer/dryer.

Tom said he’s actually thrilled because he couldn’t help feeling like it was a settlement. That’s WHY I went for it. I said to myself, well, we can’t get what we want, so let’s try what we don’t want. The house itself would’ve been ok, though a bit old and big, but I was very worried about the mutt barking out that side window every chance it got and a little worried about the field in back. It was just too close to the mainstream. Anything could’ve been going on back there and within the properties, you could just make out through the trees. Still, while you can get a place further away from the mainstream than that place was, whose place isn’t going to have mutts barking out its window if it can’t live outside? Almost no one chooses cats or to go petless over having a dog.

In some ways, the barking may be worse in those kinds of parks. You wouldn’t hear the same dog going off for 5 hours, but you’d hear more dogs more often as they were being walked down the street. Had they been allowed to keep them outside all the time, you’d hear the mutts next to you more often, but you’d never know Fido down the street existed cuz he wouldn’t be being walked by your house half a dozen times a day if he could just stay outside his own place 24/7. The only place that would’ve been peaceful (except for people stopping to pick up their mail) would’ve been the Newcastle place, but I knew good and well the bastard above that everyone thinks is oh so wonderful would never let us have that.

So when you can’t have what you do want and you can’t have what you don’t want, you’re obviously not meant to have anything at all. Tammy said if ever there was a loving couple that deserved a nice home, it’s us. But that’s just the thing. Our lovely God is backward. It’s those who don’t deserve things or don’t care one way or the other that are the ones being blessed with whatever. Nothing and no one is going to just give us a home and it seems we can’t bid on one either, so as I told Tom, I officially give up. I don’t want to look at any more places or even discuss them. This is where we were meant to be and this is where we’ll stay. Time to get real and focus on what is meant to be instead of striving for what isn’t, and focus on the positives of this place instead of always bitching about the negatives. Even though I barely have any room to unpack them in, the few bins of shit I so stupidly packed months ago will be unpacked and either set back up or thrown in drawers sometime next week. And I’ll just continue dealing with the slow-as-molasses connection. It hasn’t killed me yet. A lot of people in life don’t even have that much, and it’s still quiet here most of the time. I’ve lived in places MUCH noisier than this. The apartments I’ve lived in and the house in Phoenix were a total circus compared to this.

Even though barking is everywhere, I am a bit relieved because that mutt would’ve been even closer to us than Jesse’s mutts, and I never wanted to be flanked in like sandwich meat like that by other houses. They were probably closer than the welfare bums were to us in Phoenix, and we would’ve had neighbors on two sides instead of one. Here, I can breathe easier even if we may be cramped inside the place, and although I’d have been willing to give it up and use headphones, think I could’ve blasted my music there? Renting still has more advantages than owning. Especially when it’s getting harder and harder to get what your home is worth if you decide to sell it. What could we have gotten for that house if we sold it when he retired, 5 grand? 3 grand?

Tom thinks something up there was protecting us from making a mistake and feeling like we settled. I disagree. I think if it wanted to guide us to the right place it would’ve done so months ago. “We didn’t have the money months ago,” he said.

Fine. Let him waste his time looking for what doesn’t exist for us. I’m staying right here. That means getting on with my life… having the rest of my dental work done, getting my thyroid checked out, etc.

Later…

To think that something up there has had so much hate for me since I was a baby is a little scary. No, it’s a lot scary. If it’s really true that something up there plans what happens to us, I must’ve done something really horrible somewhere to have deserved the kind of childhood I had and the problems I’ve been faced with as an adult.

It hit me that thanks to being cursed with this sleep disorder, we couldn’t even have a dog of our own if we decided we wanted one. You kind of have to be available every day to let it out, you know? So the bastard has managed to take even that from me. So many opportunities and doors have been slammed in my face due to all the limitations this fucking thing has put on me.

Again, I’m just trying to focus on the good in life and to remind myself that being stuffed in someone else’s bummy old dive isn’t the worst thing in life. Another decade and we’ll try again when he retires. Probably get the hell out of the state. On life’s positive side, I have someone who loves me unconditionally, shortcomings and strengths. Unless they too, decide to dump me, I have good friends who at least seem to really care about me and accept me as I am. As far as I know, we are both in good health. As much as we are hated from above (especially me), money’s the last thing we need to worry about right now. So it isn’t all bad just because we can’t have a home of our own unless we want to settle for another dumpy old single-wide in a park that would actually make the “barking” place seem rather spacious.

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Last updated August 17, 2024