June 2013 in 2010s

SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 2013
Before we take off for Home Depot, Target and the pet store for more bedding for the rats, I’m sitting here wondering if tonight will be the last night we ever sleep in this little old trailer. I hope so! They’ve now decided it’s to be 111° in Citrus Heights on Monday. That’d call for one hot move, but it’s worth it to move into what will be our home for the next 15 years at the very least. We’re hoping to get the keys by early afternoon tomorrow. Absolute worst-case scenario (since they have the paperwork marked till the 3rd at the latest) is that we move after work on Wednesday. We don’t want to move on Thursday cuz that’s when the parade is going on.

For now, there’s not much else to do other than tie up loose ends and keep on waiting. Just remember that if you’re a friend that I regularly keep in touch with, it could be a few days before I have a chance to get back to you or pick up email and things like that. We should be online pretty much right away, but we expect to be busy settling in and getting to know the place. So just be patient! I won’t forget about you.

Later…

Went out to look at things at Home Depot and get ideas for shades for the bedroom and other things like locks/knobs, ceiling fans for the bedroom, flooring, carpet, etc.

Then we went to the pet store for bedding, but it wasn’t open so we got some from Target, which was our next stop. We got a couple of days of groceries and some more storage bins in 3 different sizes to pack the final odds and ends in. Love the clear ones so we can see what’s in each one without having to not only open them up but also dig through them to see what’s toward the bottom.

Brought in some packing peanuts we had in the shed to pack things like my delicate all-porcelain ballerinas, and next, I’ll clean the smaller cage in the tub, then hose down the big cage. We felt it’d be easier to move them to the smaller cage, even though these humongous rats probably won’t like being stuck in it for a few days. I’ll let them run around loose for exercise like I usually do anyway.

SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2013
I’m amazed at how many questions I’m still getting on Ask. A few questions, particularly the one about wondering what’s the point of living, and whether or not to confront a friend who wrote that they’re lazy and whiny, seems Aly-ish, but I’m not going to ask her. I figure if it was her and if she wanted to identify herself, she would have.

Anyway, sure enough, we’ve had some delays and now we won’t be getting the fucking keys to our new house till next week. We’re waiting on documents that have been overnighted and need signing, and Brenda has some disclosure forms for us to sign. We don’t know what, though, since we already signed those (no one died there).

Is this where things start going wrong? I asked myself yesterday. Then when we finally do get in does God set the stage for enough things to break to drain our savings, then have him laid off so we can struggle really badly and maybe even lose the place? Well, we’ve got a 1-year warranty for even things as small as a drippy pipe/faucet, and seeing that business is always booming where he works and they just asked him to start a new job there that pays more, I think we’ll be ok. Can’t guarantee that I’ll get as much sleep and peace there as I’d like, but we’ll soon find out.

Our monthly expenses should come to around $1200 a month excluding gas and food. Once the place is paid off, it should be closer to around $900. We now owe 19 grand on the loan. How fast we pay that off will depend on OT, what money I make online, and what I can win.

Escrow has been signed and closed and Brenda took the sellers to do their signing, too. Everything must be precisely worded and in order. Many people refer to these types of homes as trailers or mobile homes and that’s technically incorrect. The correct terms are manufactured homes or modular homes, which are built like on-site homes and don’t have taillights and whatnot on them like the trailer we’re in now does. It’s been taken off its wheels and its steel frame sits on concrete blocks, but this is still a definite trailer. It would blow away in a heartbeat once the first monsoon storm hit the area if it were on our old land in Maricopa, as opposed to the 42,000-pound manufactured home we had on it.

I think they were also confused at first cuz they asked if our new home had already been set up and strapped down (those 3’ screws I already explained). Well, our home isn’t strapped, it’s grounded, but trust me when I say that on the windiest day of all, she ain’t going anywhere.

When it’s super windy here you can feel this place shudder. Arizona would toss this old heap of shit around like it was a toy.

The good thing is that the escrow people will pay for any days after the first that we’re not in our new home. We were also able to cancel the U-Haul without being charged and decided we’ll just spontaneously grab one on Monday, Tuesday at the latest. It sucks that we couldn’t start bringing shit over there (particularly bulky and breakable stuff) over the weekend, but going out of here in one big sweep isn’t that big of a deal. It’s just harder to move from a small place. We’re practically climbing over shit here. There’s no rain in the forecast, so we might move some stuff out onto the porch that’s sealed up in plastic containers.

So it’s just an annoying waiting game we have to play as we’ll be pretty much grounded all weekend, unable to do much but maybe go through the shed and sort through some more things out there and try to organize shit overall as best we can with what little space we have to do it in. I really want to just get the hell over there so we can have fun setting up and enjoying being back on cable for the first time since 2007! Then I can move on to new worries and wonder if I’ll be able to sleep well there and if there’ll be more daytime distractions than I’d like for when I’m up and about. Now would be the perfect time to dive into their pool, but no, we gotta be stuck here over the weekend. I’m dying to dive into their fitness room too, and take advantage of most of their amenities.

It’s to be 105° up here on Monday and 110° where we’re moving to. I hope Nane isn’t back from Spain yet seeing that it’s 55° and raining today in Munich, LOL.

FRIDAY, JUNE 28, 2013
Today’s Tom’s 56th birthday and hopefully it will be celebrated by getting the keys to our new house. If worse comes to absolute worse, we get the keys on Monday and we move out in one clean sweep instead of making half a dozen or so runs over the weekend before renting the truck for the big stuff on Monday as planned.

Damn! Just damn! I never thought this day would come. For years I told myself it would never happen because that’s what I truly believed. But I was wrong. Very wrong.

Anyway, I’m glad I took Tom’s advice and slept a little later. I needed it. I was all wound up from the excitement and had trouble falling asleep. Besides, what good would getting up really early do us when nothing’s open then and we can’t do anything anyway? Tom woke up early cuz he too, is super excited.

Even if we get the keys today, we probably won’t be sleeping at the new place till tomorrow night at the earliest.

Right now we’re changing addresses on some of our online accounts, but I won’t change my town on Facebook till we actually get to it.

THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 2013
Tom’s looking at a new job at work that will call for less OT and more money, but that’s all I can say about that right now. Other than that the hours will be more stable and it involves working more on computers than overseeing warehouse activities.

The only thing I’m a bit concerned with right now is that Kathy hasn’t notified us yet to say they received the final loan document they’re waiting on, and this could pose a potential delay in getting in the house and cause us (as well as others) all kinds of headaches. Let’s hope things continue to run on time!

I’m both nervous and excited to get the move done and over with. I just hope that living there won’t be too much like an apartment complex without the apartments. In the apartments I had back east they pretty much mowed in the summer and shoveled in the winter and that was it. But in the Arizona apartments, there was always, always something going on and a lot more activity. It was a climate thing, of course, but this is a nice climate, too. I just hope there isn’t too much activity going on there, though I think most of it will still be confined to the pool and clubhouse. I sure hope so anyway! They may come around every now and then with a street sweeper, but there are no sidewalks to blow or heavy landscaping to do. Still, I just want to get it over with and see what it’s really going to be like there.

Someone asked if there was any particular event that caused me not to believe in prayer, but nope. It was an accumulation of unanswered prayers that made me a non-believer. Not being granted a singing career (I still can’t believe I ever wanted to do that) was one thing, but what was really depressing and a scary eye-opener was when I was denied a child. It was then that I came to believe that it didn’t matter if what I asked for was off the wall or “normal.” It just had to be me asking for it and it was automatically forbidden.

I’d heard it said that if we prayed for what was fair, right, reasonable and correct, we would receive our request. Was a child not “correct?” Well, perhaps it wouldn’t have been the more I came to value my life and my freedom. After having to deal with other people’s screaming kids for so long I came to realize the value of peace. I also admit I got a bit selfish, not wanting to give up my life to something that would take from us more than it could ever give. You puke your guts out when you get pregnant, you gain a million pounds, you go through a world of pain having it, you get depressed afterward, and then you are swamped with nothing but constant noise and expenses with barely 5 minutes for yourself. Did I really want that? No, I didn’t. But that wasn’t the point. The point was that I had prayed for something that was supposed to be natural and that was when a cold hard reality began to sink in; that either nothing was listening to me, or it simply didn’t give a shit about me.

“Eh, it just wasn’t meant to be,” someone told me.

“But then why pray? If things are either meant to be or not meant to be, why pray?”

But I was stubborn and not ready to give up just yet on the idea of getting God to like/accept me and to give me what I wanted too, even though just the mother He had me born to was enough to tell me otherwise. I prayed for a child. He gave me a miscarriage. I prayed for help with my weight. I now struggle with 30 extra pounds. I prayed that the move from Oregon to Cali would go smoothly. He led us to the streets. I prayed that Tom not be one of the 10% to become unemployed back in 2008. He gave him years of unemployment. And so I quit talking to myself and let fate/destiny play itself out the way it was meant to be anyway. This doesn’t mean I won’t put effort into achieving the things I want in life, it just means that I know I’m on my own. If I’m going to get any of these things it will be because of me only, and if anyone does help me, they’ll walk on two legs just like I do. No, I’m not going to leave my weight to fate. I’m still going to try to diet and exercise and hope my body responds to it. If not then only a doctor can help me. Not any God.

Not one single blessing in my life, from Tom to our new home or from my writing/language abilities to our income has been prayed for. Every good thing I got in life was simply meant to be and I never had to ask for it. They may’ve taken work to achieve, but the point is that I’ve learned that praying doesn’t necessarily equal good things coming my way any more than it means being able to ward off or change bad things that happen. If I’m meant to have something, I’ll get it, and I won’t get what I’m not meant to have either. I know this and I know no prayers are necessary either, but as always, to each their own.

Later…

The Supreme Court ruling that DOMA is unconstitutional yesterday was a great thing. But when will gays be able to marry in every state???

Believe it or not, I’ve got about 90% of this place packed up now, including the mouse that fell prey to the sticky board under the sink. Yeah, he’s been bagged and sent to the outside trash bin. He was so cute, but oh the smell and the turds!

At first I thought the brown paper lunch bags he never used that he got a while back were a waste, but I find them great for mugs, glasses and other breakables.

Had a little scare this morning with the cooler. It was dripping off the roof and I’m thinking, Oh fucking no! Can’t shit just wait 3 more days to break? But Tom climbed up and checked it and said it overflowed a bit but wasn’t leaking. We’ve got triple-digit temps coming up, so it better fucking work!

Guess I’ll go pack and proofread some more and hope there are no delays. We really need them to call with the final numbers so we can make the damn down payment, sign the escrow papers that are set to close tomorrow, and go home!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 26, 2013
The people in our house are gone now and I’m getting more emotional (in a good way) as the days begin to melt down into just hours. I think, OMG, this is almost it! Unless a meteorite strikes us dead, a U-Haul is really going to take our perfectly live bodies out of here and not some coroner in a couple of body bags as what came so, so terrifyingly close to being the case.

It must’ve been a sad day for Gene and Audrey, the people we bought the house from. I feel a twinge of sadness for them knowing they’re going into an assisted living apartment just to begin the end of their lives while I’m thinking, OMG, our new home is now sitting there empty just waiting for us and a couple of cute rats!

What I saw in here earlier made me think of going petless once these rats go so we can use the bug plug that emits a high-frequency pitch at the new place. It was the biggest spider I’ve ever seen in the 6 years we’ve been in Cali! I went into the bathroom, parked my ass on the toilet, then sort of glanced upwards. And then I saw it. My vision is so shitty I can’t distinguish small objects, but this thing was SO big that I instantly knew what it was. I shot up from that toilet so fucking fast. I hated to have to run underneath the thing to escape it, and of course you can imagine that trying to pull up your panties while running isn’t an easy thing. I woke poor Tom up to kill it that’s how huge and scary the damn thing was. Its guts are mashed all over the ceiling. If it weren’t for the fact that we’ll be out of here in a few days I’d scrub it off.

That nocturnal nightmare was compliments of the two days of rain we’ve had. We had more rainfall in the last two days than in nearly a year! It was amazing and so hard to believe it was late June and not late fall. We haven’t needed the cooler for two days, and it was also hard to believe that in just a few days we’d be in for triple digits. It’ll be 85° today, then 95°, then over 100°. Today, if I remember, I’ll shoot some of the ugliest exterior pics so we can all laugh at how we had to live for so long, though for the longest time, it wasn’t funny at all.

Tom scheduled the cable to be turned on on Friday. No more shitty slow DSL!!! Woo-hoo!!! And yes, we really are going home!!!

If there is a God up there that picks and chooses what happens to us and if things really do happen for a “reason” and He gets it in mind to beat someone over the head with money, I’ll be damned if it’ll be us. We can’t guarantee we’ll never get cancer or anything like that, but we’re going to always do everything we can to see to it that we never end up back in the poorhouse. But even though he makes a lot of money and the dream premonitions have backed off almost completely, a “bad” money dream would still scare the shit out of me. Once you’ve had just half of the dream premonitions I’ve had you can never ever return to assuming a nightmare was just a nightmare. Psychics go dormant at times. We don’t go away.

The only thing that could delay us is that the loan lady is waiting on one final document. She expects it today, though, and I hope she gets it! We don’t want to have to pay the Jes pest for OT spent here AND the park.

Ok, gotta get packing some more shit. Damn, it’s tough with so little space, but fun! Totally worth it. I think I’ll bag up some of the clothes we don’t wear as much and toss them in some cheap trash bags we got for cans and bottles.

TUESDAY, JUNE 25, 2013
Beat the alarm by 3 minutes and learned that Mark’s surgery went well. They didn’t find anything they believed to be cancerous. But he’s still got his heart, a much bigger issue, to contend with.

Got another super busy day ahead, so I’ve got to make this quick. Amazingly, it rained all day yesterday. It was great. It shut the Jes pest up and made sleeping better. It’s going to rain throughout the morning too, the pest’s prime time. Like I said, though, I’m mostly on days now, so he can’t wake me up. He shouldn’t even be able to annoy me much when I am awake since he certainly won’t be re-roofing or bulldozing anytime soon while the ground is still wet. I’m so glad I’ll never have to hear that insanely loud dozer again!

Tom checks online every day to see if they’ve disconnected their cable so we can get it set up in our name, but nope, not yet. So someone’s still there. That’s no real surprise since they said they would be out by the 28th.

MONDAY, JUNE 24, 2013
I first want to say that yesterday’s rant about the reverse discrimination running rampant in this country that no one seems to care about, and my lack of trust in God and belief in prayer wasn’t meant to sway anyone’s opinion one way or the other. You’re all welcome to have a mind of your own. Remember, I’m selfish. :) Meaning that I write for myself first and foremost. You readers are just an afterthought, so to speak. I’m going to say what I’ve got to say regardless of whether it’s the “norm” or things others can relate to or not simply because that’s part of what keeping a journal is all about. It’s about documenting one’s life, thoughts, feelings, opinions and beliefs, not about trying to change others. If someone happens to be influenced by anything I’ve written, however, then so be it. I can’t control the world or help what people are going to think or do. I kind of see journaling as I do walking down the street in my favorite shirt. Some will like it. Some won’t. Some won’t even notice. But I like it and that’s all that matters with no offense or persuasion intended.

Having fun making people wait on me on Ask. Nothing from Kathy today, but I got a few questions that might be from Kim. They asked if I had a lot of online friends, if I like getting email, and if I know anyone named Carol. Well, she has a sister Carol, and the other two questions seem like questions she’d ask. Just when I thought she’d forgotten about me.

We went to Walgreens yesterday to take advantage of our AARP discount. You get $10 just for signing up, so the sculpted dog I got was basically free. Getting older has its advantages, though I’m 3 years shy of my own AARP membership. It’s a very realistic-looking sculpt, which I like as opposed to cartoonish-looking things. It’s an Irish Setter holding a ‘welcome’ sign in its mouth.

“Only they’re not welcome,” Tom joked.

LOL, he’s got a point there as funny as it may sound. I’m no social butterfly. I’ll still be seeing a lot more people than I have been when I’m out and about; just not at home. I can’t wait to go swimming!!! It may be a week or two before we finally have the time to do that, but this is a great time of year to be moving. I’d hate to move in December and know I had to wait 5 months or so before I could swim.

The house isn’t as big as we thought it was, according to the appraisers and inspectors. It’s 56’ long by 24’ wide, which comes to 1344 square feet, not that that’s not more than enough room for us. The master bedroom alone is 12x20.

Tom said Jesse was blasting music on Saturday that couldn’t be heard in here. Every time he went outside, though, he could tell he was listening to a Bruce Springsteen concert. He could hear him talking in between songs. His kid is probably there now. Someone’s been there keeping the mutts quiet for the last half a year or so. I’m surprised we never heard his music before. Tom said he thinks he kept it down in the past so as not to annoy us. Well, that’s nice cuz his vehicles, power tools and mutts were certainly more than enough.

We’ve been having amazingly cool weather for June. Although I prefer it hot, it’s better for sleeping. It was nice to be able to shut the bedroom door and window and not have to wear my eye mask when I crashed yesterday afternoon. They say we’re on for rain and sun today and just rain tomorrow, but I’ll believe it when I see it. It’d be awesome if it would rain really hard if only for an hour because then the Jes pest won’t be as likely to do anything down here before we leave, particularly bulldozing and re-roofing. Oh, the work that guy’s gonna have to do in here with all the damn drippy faucets alone! I’m sure he’ll want to balance the doors, too. He may not care that the bathroom door flops open, but he’ll definitely care that I’ve had to make a hook on the wall to keep the bedroom door from flopping shut. Oh, to soon be able to place a door halfway open and see it stay there! The next place is going to have 7 interior doors. I’m not counting bedroom closets cuz those are sliders.

Later…

Tom woke up early because his mind was racing a mile a minute. We’re both excited but also nervous about the move. I’m nervous about what it’ll be like when we get there, and he’s nervous about just getting there. As he said, everything’s running smoothly and that’s the problem, which is exactly what I was thinking. Things just don’t normally go as planned for us yet as far as we know there are no delays to be expected, no one’s out to get us and to ruin our plans, and we’re still on for moving this weekend. After having things go so shitty for us for so long, and after seeing every single one of our plans, simple or complex, fall to pieces, we tend to get a little suspicious when things go well for us. Really, why is life being so good to us all of a sudden? From a logical standpoint, we deserve good things and it’s simply our compensation for the hell we went through year after year, but something up there has a way of seeing it the other way around and I worry that we’re going to pay tenfold for this good fortune we’ve been having.

For now, life is being so good to us that it’s even raining out there as I write this, LOL. That’ll keep the Jes pest at bay. I’m mostly back on days now, though, so it’s unlikely there’ll ever be a risk of him waking me up again. I’ll be setting alarms so my schedule doesn’t jump more than an hour a day. So today it’s into bed at 1pm to read for an hour, then back up at 11pm.

Although we’re not in an area where natural disasters are likely to strike, if something happened that was out of our control like that, that’d be one thing. But if any person, group, agency or whatever even thinks of turning our dreams into a living nightmare like it has in the past I will totally destroy anyone responsible. TOTALLY.

That being said I can move on to say that I’ve organized and packed a few more things. Tom can get tons of boxes at work so that’s not an issue. The issue is where to put them. We don’t have much room to pile boxes in here but some can go out on the porch if they have to. I had my emotional moments along the way thinking, wow! It’s really happening. We’re going home. Yes, we are!

The PTSD still eats at me at times, so it will be nice to finally be in a place that doesn’t have such terrifying and stressful memories attached to it, and that hopefully never will either.

Mark should be out of surgery by now and hopefully, he’ll soon learn that he’s cancer-free!

SATURDAY, JUNE 22, 2013
Kathy’s brother asked again why I’m such a “cray beeyatch,” but I think I’ll ignore his childish shit this time around.

Enjoying our last full weekend under the shadow of the Jes pest, though we’re carrying on with our usual errands. Changed the bed here for the last time and will sleep here just 7 more times!

Heard a mouse chewing like hell somewhere under the bathroom. The next people better hope they’re not afraid of mice cuz there sure are a lot of them here in these woods.

When I realized that focusing too much on my German (thanks to Nane, LOL) was hurting my Spanish and Italian and I was starting to forget some things, I went back to Lang-8 where I can do some quick entries in both languages and have any errors corrected by native speakers. Or at least what should be native speakers anyway. I don’t post what I usually post in English in my regular journals, and my entries there are usually short and sweet. The main idea is to just write a few minutes a day in these languages.

“How many answered prayers would it take for you to believe in prayer?” someone asked me. Well, if half of them were answered I’d say it was a coincidence. If 80% of them were answered then I’d seriously start to wonder if there really was something up there listening to me, but as long as I’m at 5% or less and not seeing us all get everything we want in life (or most of us anyway), then I still say it’s about fate and not what we want/don’t want. But whether or not it’s happenstance or something deciding what we get/don’t get is still a mystery to me.

What the hell’s wrong with the Mac’s mail program? It won’t let me send mail. It asks for my PW but keeps rejecting it even though I know I typed it in correctly. Oh well. Guess I’ll have to send it directly from Outlook till Tom gets up and can investigate.

Why is it that whites are being fired like crazy for racial slurring, yet whenever blacks mouth off about whites no one gives a shit? Just wondering why the double standards and when the hell they’re ever going to end. This trend has been going on since the 90s and it’s getting really old. I was saddened and sickened to read in someone else’s journal that someone on the Food Network channel was fired for using the N-word 25 YEARS AGO while they were being robbed at gunpoint. I don’t know who she was and I don’t watch TV, but that didn’t make hearing about it any less appalling. Yet if a black person gets on national TV and whines about how terrible we white people are and calls us names, it’s perfectly ok.

“We have it all,” they so often complain. We do? Tell that to us when we too, can have a White History Month, white TV station, white pageants, white this, white that WITHOUT being called racists. And also when we can have a black, Hispanic or Asian person charged with any hate crimes against us, and we aren’t getting passed over in the workplace so often for non-whites.

Seriously, instead of being the second angriest group of people who think the right way to solve problems is through public screaming matches or violence, have you ever asked yourselves if maybe it’s about YOU and not your color? Contrary to popular belief, most people really do base their opinions on behavior and not color. So when you treat people like shit and you unfairly play the race card cuz it’s the “in” thing to do today and you know you’ll be believed, what do you expect? For us to pat you on the back and say, “Good job, buddy, good job?”

FRIDAY, JUNE 21, 2013
Other than backing up old journals on MyOpera and a little on Tumblr as well, I really don’t have much to update at the moment. We’re just waiting to move and I’m rolling my schedule back onto days. Amazingly, the Jes pest didn’t come down all week, but next week wouldn’t surprise me. Who knows, though? Maybe he’s waiting till we leave. The better he’s doing financially these days, the more he can take time prepping the place in between renters.

Even though it’s a hassle to work out here since I have to clear so many things away from the treadmill to have room to unfold it, I really gotta walk at least 20 minutes tonight so I don’t start having joint pain. Just one more week of this lack of space shit!

Tammy and Mark continue to have it rough physically. I guess her situation has been the same, but Mark, who not only has to have polyps surgery on Monday morning to make sure no cancer is present, was also rushed in to see his cardiologist. He apparently has a couple of clogged arteries and to quote Tammy’s words, “If that one goes, he’s instantly dead. There’s no heart attack, no warning, no nothing.”

So things have certainly been scary, hectic and frustrating for them.

THURSDAY, JUNE 20, 2013
Not surprisingly, Kathy’s shit has started back up again after a few days of silence. I guess she’s my official replacement for Kim unless Kim’s doing a great job of making any of the anonymous questions I get seem like they’re not from her. Her brother – or at least supposedly her brother – asked: why you gotz to be hatin on my sis beeyatch?

I know I shouldn’t feed the trolls and should probably have ignored the “question,” but instead I deleted it and re-asked myself the same question only I changed it to: why you gotz to be hatin on my sis beeyatch?

LOL, I replied with: I’m married, buddy. I look, I flirt, but I definitely don’t date.

This will really fuck with their heads. Hopefully, they’ll think they made a typo. Hahaha

Later…

Nothing from Kathy and her cronies today. Alison said she almost never talks to her but that’s ok because she’s tried to reach out to her before just to be ignored. Well, as I’ve learned, Kathy is a very spoiled, selfish person, so if there’s nothing for her to gain by being closer to Aly, then she won’t bother. I’m kind of hoping she and her family will be too busy to pester people once the kid is born. Why dump someone, though, if you don’t want anything to do with them? I still can’t believe she of all people would dump someone, and then harass them! I’d seen her harass Molly, but that was different, or so I thought. That was her picking on a stalker, not someone she dumped for not being a God-lover.

Aly’s still struggling with skin issues, anemia, insomnia and depression. Others tell her to just “smile” and think “happy thoughts.” God, the day it’s that easy, no one will ever be depressed again! Really, that’s like telling a gay person to just not be attracted to the same sex.

Andy has a form of asthma and has to use inhalers. This sucks, but it’s better than having cancer. Tom has exercise-induced asthma. Strenuous activity can cause him to have a tough time breathing.

Someone on Ask told me that the older I get, the more selfish I get. Gosh, I hope so! I would hope I’ve matured, grown and smartened up enough not to be so damn naïve, trusting and forgiving as I once was. As I told them, I would still help a friend in need, of course, but would be more selective about who I did what for. Sometimes our generosity is taken advantage of and this causes us to be less generous, thus giving the impression we’re stingy. Being too trusting, forgiving and generous can really get us in trouble if we’re not careful. I’ll still help the old lady cross the street, but I won’t give money to the guy on the street and take his word for it that he’ll get the food he needs with it. For all I know that “food” is really drugs, alcohol or cigarettes.

I think most of us become more selfish with age as we lose our sensitivity and care less about what others think of us, how we look, etc.

I get the impression this is someone who’s been reading quite a bit of my journal but won’t identify themselves because it’s someone who knows they’re not supposed to be contacting me. Either that or they’re afraid of me for some reason. Ah, but I don’t bite, so hopefully they’ll step out of the shadows and introduce themselves sometime.

As the move approaches, we begin the last of the last. Last sheet change, last period, last this, last that. I’m so excited and nervous, but fortunately, I’m much more excited.

Can’t wait to be more active and go back to dieting even if it means having to deal with constant hunger again. I once prayed for any God that may be up there and that may hear me to please help me help myself by giving me more strength not to cave into the hunger or take shortcuts with working out, but was ignored, of course. So I stopped talking and started doing, knowing I was on my own, as always. Still not sure, though, if there once was a God who abandoned us and that’s why prayer is just wishful thinking for most of us and why so many people have such shitty lives, or if there is one and it’s just playing favorites. I know some people think it’s the devil that does evil and not God, but if God’s supposed to be the most powerful thing, then why doesn’t He overthrow the devil? Hmm… I gotta go with there being a God that created the universe and the things in it, but that doesn’t have any influence over our day-to-day lives.

BUT… the timing of the job was way too coincidental. I have a feeling that if anything up there did lead us on the road to death, it wasn’t the same thing that saved us for why would you push someone so far into the dark just to yank them out of it at the end? What happened to us was literally like falling from the sky with no parachute just to have a giant hand reach out and catch us as we were about to hit the ground. Things were THAT close to over for us. I don’t know what saved us in the end. I only know it wasn’t God. I don’t know how I know it, though. Just a gut feeling, I guess.

Ok, I should quit analyzing and guessing things none of us can ever know for sure anyway, and go hit the shower.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19, 2013
Just 10 days left! Kathy emailed Tom the insurance forms to print, sign, scan and email back so they can go ahead with the loan stuff.

I’ve been organizing things both on and offline. Every now and then I like to clean out my email accounts and delete everything I’ve received and sent. You just never know if someone may hack in and get the password you may’ve requested or whatever. So I decided it was time to clean house.

Went through some more stuff in the dark, creepy closet, which I won’t miss at all no matter how spacious it may be for a little old trailer, but there’s only so much I can pack right now because most of what’s not yet packed are things we’ll need or don’t have boxes for. The hard part is where to put all the boxes we pack. We’re hoping to bring some big, bulky items over to the house before we get the truck.

The dream I had of Teddy Bear was weird. She was still in her late 30s, as I believed her to be when I last knew her. Only instead of just getting transferred to Madison for flirting with the ladies at Estrella, she was married with a 12-year-old daughter in the dream, rumor had it. The person telling me about it (I don’t know who) said Teddy Bear was from a very conservative, hateful family that pushed her until she succumbed to the pressure and married her high school sweetheart. Or, more appropriately, the boy she pretended to love and be all into, the person also told me.

“So by day she’s following her heart and chasing the ladies, and at night she’s this old-fashioned person going home to this husband and child she never wanted?” I asked incredulously.

The person nodded just as I was coming awake. In real life, there’s no way she’d have ever let anyone pressure her into marriage, kids or both. By then married people having kids was no longer the norm anyway, and then even marriage itself got less common. Too busy trying to keep gays from marrying, I guess, to worry about their own marriages. She also doesn’t strike me as the type to marry another woman, not that Arizona would ever allow it being the bigoted state it is towards people like gays, Jews and whites. Everything down there is basically black this, Mexican that.

Not where Tom works, though, so he’s learning. His place is one of those few places left that still underpays its minorities. Pam, his coworker who also lives in an adult community, says that’s just so horrible and so unfair. LOL, so typical of a white person to say, but I can’t say I don’t agree. I always thought nothing but one’s qualifications should be considered when it comes to employment and that everyone should be paid equally and fairly despite color, race, gender, nationality or sexual preference. But sadly, minorities tend to be favored in most places, gays are still getting fired, and women still aren’t getting the pay men get.

Later…

I guess I’m going to be ghostwriting for Tammy after the move. She’s been wanting to start a journal for a while now but has been too sick to do so. Even when she’s not sick, her meds make her shaky so it’s hard for her to type. Hopefully, by the end of the year, the doctors will have her in much better health than she is now. She’ll still probably have to take medication for the rest of her life, though, even if she doesn’t need the transplant done.

Anyway, I thought of how she paid Sarah to help her around the house and said, “Hey, wanna hire me to ghostwrite your life story?” Well, she is interested in my offer, but we won’t discuss it till we get settled at the new place, though the pay is up to her.

I only ghostwrote one other story and that was Mary’s story, none of which I ever got any credit for. People don’t always realize that not everyone can afford to work for free, and even when they can, they still shouldn’t have to. Nonetheless, I saw it as helping out a friend, or what I thought was a friend. One I also thought trusted me. Sometimes being friends with someone who can’t take us at face value can be as difficult as trying to be friends with those who are crazy. You spend more time trying to reason, assure and explain yourself than you do actually enjoying having them in your life. They’re not worth it no matter how much you may like them otherwise.

Anyway, I am going to be sooo busy after the move, but I look forward to keeping wonderfully busy and active. I just want people to know this if I’m not around as much and not take it personally. Don’t know how much time I’ll have for social sites and blogging, but will still make a point of doing at least one quick entry a day. Work, sweepstakes, writing, language studies, pools, gyms, shopping, decorating… I am sooo excited and it’s going to be sooo much fun! And very time-consuming. Still gotta cook, clean and do laundry, even though I’m not much of a cook. I wonder if there’ll be enough hours in a day to do all I want to do! Can’t wait to do things online I couldn’t do here either at all or very easily – stream movies, download high-res pics, explore new music to add to my music library…

We decided to just start with a new desk and a couch because we don’t want the savings to drop too much. This place is beautiful and affordable, but ONLY if you make good money. Yeah, that’s the only thing I don’t like about this place, besides the bad memories I’ll always have of our toughest and scariest moments in Auburn, it’s NOT unemployment safe. On the bright side, this is easily the most secure job he’s ever had what with all the OT. You don’t usually throw so much OT at people just to go laying them off soon afterward.

It’s going to be so much more fun than the last house we bought. After all was set up and done there, that was it. It was over and I didn’t have much else to do or look forward to. There were no pools or clubhouses I could go to, the Internet wasn’t what it is today, and so there wasn’t much to do other than clean and write. Well, that is until a knock on the door at 8:30 on the morning of January 6, 2000 came and put an end to my boredom. That sure as hell won’t be happening at this place! Not unless it’s in my cards to end up filthy rich after all.

All the little things like changing town names on Facebook (that won’t happen till we get over there) are made more special by the fact that I wasn’t supposed to live to be able to do them. Like drink the emergency water. LOL, yeah, that’s another thing we’ll do in about a week or so is finish off the little jug of water for when the Jes pest would have one of his famous well or pressure tank problems. You see things differently after you’ve stared death in the eye. Things are funnier. Stupid things that you wouldn’t ordinarily laugh about or give a second thought to. Like drinking down that “emergency” water. hahaha

This should be the last night we’ll have to close windows and the cooler vent while we’re still here. Last night got chilly as hell in here. The propane tank hit 12% last weekend, so the next people in here are definitely not going to take many showers at our expense, LOL.

TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 2013
No calls or emails today, so I guess everything is on track as scheduled. No bad dreams either.

Been having dreams of Teddy Bear, the one woman I came to really truly love (though I have had feelings for a few others) after getting married. She really taught me a lot. For one, she reminded me that some people are full of shit no matter what they say, and yes, no matter how in love and committed you are to one person, people can still be attracted to and even have feelings for others along the way. We really are only human.

I wonder what her life is like today. Is she still a detention officer? Or did all that flirting finally catch up to her and get her fired? I wonder about Palma and Pérez, too.

Jesse let me sleep so far this week. I’ve had the sound machines cranked up and I’ve also added an earplug to my good ear for good measure. If he’s been down here I haven’t heard him. I don’t think he has been, though, as there’s no evidence of weeding, trimming, bulldozing or anything.

MONDAY, JUNE 17, 2013
The Jes pest is almost just a memory and I’m wondering why the heavy period. So much for menopausal dreamin’.

I’m also wondering why I’m still Stephane’s only friend on Facebook. If it weren’t for a fellow VH sister confirming that she’s another “sister,” I’d be beyond suspicious. But why join FB just to friend only me, someone she never met? She was at VH from 1984-1986 and I was there from 1982-1984.

Poor Nane was sick, but will soon be off to enjoy a vacation in Spain!

I hope Alison’s doctor’s appointment went well today. The poor girl’s skin is all broken out and she’s lucky to get just 2 hours of sleep a night. Damn! I can’t even live on just 6, so I don’t know how she does just 2. Her last round of blood tests came back as “unusual,” so I worry about her. She herself says she doesn’t know how much more she can take. She’s been as cursed medically as we were financially.

At this point, I’m just hoping to hell there are no last-minute delays. Things have been running smoothly and on schedule so far which is pretty damn amazing for us, so that’s why I worry someone’s gonna throw a kink in our plans at some point. I hope not, though! It’s just that no one’s asked us for money yet and we can’t get in the house till we make the down payment. The loan lady said everything’s fine, so I guess we should just trust her and assume she knows what she’s doing.

Why has life been so good to us lately anyway? I wonder. I know we deserve this compensation after the hell we went through for so long, but still, I’m not used to things going this well for this long and I tend to get a little suspicious when they do. I suppose I should just shut up and enjoy it! If the shit’s gonna hit the fan again at some point, and if there really is a God that’s pissed off at what we’re doing and is going to “punish” us with breakage or health issues, there’s nothing we can do about it now.

I laugh to myself when I read back on some of my old journal entries. Damn, was I naïve! Back when I didn’t always talk right, sometimes by choice when I’d alter words, I then saw it as cute, creative and funny. But like most people when they get older, what I once saw as cute now seems immature. Sometimes it still brings humor to me (if not convenience) to either abbreviate or alter words amongst friends and whatnot, but if I were reading a journal like mine from the 80s and 90s I wouldn’t take them very seriously or consider them very bright. I guess that the more serious I became about writing, the less I wanted to sound like I was in my teens or 20s, unless it’s a character in one of my books that’s that age or something.

The growing illiteracy rate and poor spelling, grammar and punctuation are still alarming. Especially when people are looking for love or jobs where the last thing you want to come off as is some dumb-ass, uneducated person from the slums. As a writer, though, you tend to not only hate it when you make a typo, but you notice the errors of others more and are more annoyed by such things, especially when the writing is so bad you can’t even understand them or you have to read whatever it is they wrote a few times just to get what they’re trying to say.

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2013
OMG, this is so fucking funny! I walked into the room Tom was in and said, “Wow, someone on Ask asked about my unfinished Bunny Nose story. I’m surprised anyone remembers that. I told them that I plan, as time permits, to finish that and other unfinished stories I’ve put off once we get moved, or something like that.”

Then I pointed to his eye that’s been watery for some reason and said, “You still have a crying eye.”

“Yeah,” he said, “That could be Bunny Nose’s sequel; Crying Eye.

LMAO!

I may eventually share stories, or at least parts of stories, in my blogs. Can’t share anything that’s already been published, though, and if I post anything that I later end up getting published, I’ll have to take those posts down.

SATURDAY, JUNE 15, 2013
Tom and I are having a relaxing anniversary. The only real work I’m doing is laundry, though I don’t mind. I hope I will be able to say on our 20th anniversary how wonderful our first year in our new home has been, and not that the people there have pestered us or that we’ve had all kinds of problems with the house or anything like that.

I don’t like that Mary was in my blog if only for 20 seconds. What for? I don’t want to be friends with her again, so why can’t those who either dump me or that I dump just let go? Just ignore me and move on, goddamnit! But it’s like no one’s willing to forgive you when you try to apologize and resume your friendship with them, yet they sure won’t leave you alone for long if you’re the one that decides to walk away.

I accused her of having trust issues and being paranoid, but again, Jenny had a point in saying I was “almost” paranoid. How do I know she isn’t coming in to see if there’s something she can sue me for? Until she loses her rich “BF” she could use extra money, no doubt. I still worry that within a few months after the move God will send someone or something to fuck it up for us. If not to the devastating degree that the freeloaders did, then to at least be a highly annoying long-term issue that we’ll be less than thrilled to have to be dealing with when all we want to do is live our lives in peace and enjoy our new home. Well, we WILL fight back this time. Sure hope we won’t have to, though.

Got a couple of messages from Tammy. Because she spoke for 12 minutes and is putting off her health issues till the fall (due to Mark’s issues), I’m hopeful she won’t need the transplant and that her condition won’t get any worse. It’s still not the greatest, though. She’s not physically up to traveling. But she really wants to see us and says they could help with tickets. I think we could swing it ourselves and then she could just house and feed us. But if we really do go there, it’s way in the future. We need to move and get settled first, plus we have a trip to Hawaii coming up this winter.

Also, if we did go there it would only be for a few days. I’d hate to go there and not see Andy, so I guess we could rent a car and have him either drop down and meet us in CT, or we could shoot up over the MA border before we were due to go to the airport or something like that and see him if only for an hour or two.

She said, “I know you don’t like big dogs, but Peppy’s a real baby.” LOL, baby or not, 86 pounds is more than half my body weight! But does SHE realize how big these rats are? They’re like guinea pigs only skinnier, cuter, smarter, and with pointy noses and 8” tails that are about a half-inch thick at the base. Romeo loves to chase the dusting wand when I wave it around, and Sugar’s a real sweetie. Very playful, but gentle, unlike Romeo who can get to really nipping at times. Sugar literally stands straight up when I open the roof of the cage and gives me hugs and kisses.

Tammy’s been redecorating and installing new carpet and flooring so things have been hectic for her. The girls and Mark help her with what she doesn’t have the lungs to do.

Been having fun getting ideas online for new stuff of our own.

I love knowing we’ll soon be getting right what they fucked up on in Maricopa. Besides, our choices were so limited there. It was either white linoleum for the floor or “wooden” linoleum. I chose the white but of course it was marred with streaks of red where they made vent cut-outs and the lazies never cared to fix it. The pink Champaign carpet ended up being denim blue. Better than neutral colors, but still not what I wanted. I was thinking I may go with crème colored furniture with a medium shade of pink carpet, but that’s subject to change.

I love how I’ll get to pick out 3 different designs for floors. One for the kitchen, one for the master bath, and one for the second bath and laundry area. I like the bamboo wallpaper in the master bath and don’t want to redo that, so I’ll probably get something that will go with that. I don’t remember the wallpaper in the other bath, and the kitchen was boring.

I am sooo excited about our new home and all the fun games and activities I look forward to when I’m not writing or doing other work. I had said that I’d always feel some degree of resentment that we had to live so shabbily for so long, and while that’s true, a small part of it ended up being by choice so that we could really live it up in the end. We could’ve moved years ago. We just didn’t want to rent another dump or buy an old dump in a dumpy park with no pool. But because we lived cramped in here for so long we can now enjoy a luxury home in a luxury park with tons of amenities. I am NOT going to let any person, group or God ruin things for us there either. Oh no, not this time around! If anyone makes trouble for us we WILL fight back and we WILL win. Sure hope we won’t have to bother, though. Can’t imagine we would, but that’s just my paranoid side coming out after meeting with disasters of different kinds in two other states.

I laughed when Tom reminded me that we gotta “act” like old people at the pool. No diving, handstands or horseplay. It’ll still be fun, even if all I can do is float and swim.

I am having the PMS from hell with the water bloating. It’s really ridiculous that a 47-year-old has to have a uterus. Why does God hate women so damn much? Better yet, why did He create us if He knew he hated us? Just to have someone to pick on?

FRIDAY, JUNE 14, 2013
Less than 6 more hours till our 19th wedding anniversary! Not bad for one who once could barely keep a relationship for more than 5 minutes. If I wasn’t busy getting dumped I was busy realizing fast what a mistake I’d made in which case I was doing the dumping.

No one could ever compare to Tom no matter what they said, did, earned or looked like!

The real mystery is who the hell really is fucking with me on MD. I still say Kathy was behind some of it, but in regards to my saying how much I liked the motto “Freedom of speech is wonderful, right up there with the freedom not to listen,” I also said that any decent lawyer would’ve told that sick fuck of a twist next to us in Phoenix, “You had the right not to read your mail. No one forced you at gunpoint!”

Then someone with a bogus email came in with: then stop crying that people are responding to your emails idiot!! hah

What emails??? Kim would use words like “idiot” and “moron,” but we haven’t exchanged emails in like forever. Kathy and I never responded to emails. That leaves one very chilling possibility. Yeah, the black bitch in Phoenix. She’s the only one who “responded” by running to the pigs if the pig was even real at all. The only people I exchange emails with are friends and family. Regardless, their statement still makes no sense in response to what I wrote.

Aly just emailed me saying she wondered if Jenny could be behind the messages, cuz a mutual friend of hers and Kathy’s said Kathy was on vacation. Yeah, that’s what someone said on Ask. But someone connected to Kathy was harassing me.

I’ve got comments disabled for all blogs. That way if anyone there gets curious enough to look us up and they find my blog, they can’t say, “Hi, it’s so and so from the park. Welcome to LV!” I’d not only want to wring their necks for that, but I’d be like, jeez, why don’t you just spill our address and socials, too!

Didn’t hear from the Jes pest today, though I didn’t get up till noon. He was ATVing to the electrical box when we returned from yesterday’s signing. Brenda had wanted to be there but she had her own signing to attend to. Brenda’s been asking weird questions and we suspect she may have it in for Joy and want to catch her doing something wrong so she can complain on her. When the park changed management they fired everybody cuz they wanted to hire their own staff. So that’s why Brenda isn’t too fond of Joy.

I’m enjoying the beginning of the end of our time here in this little shitbox. Just changed the sheets and should only have to struggle to make this bed, with barely any space to one side and the foot, one more time!

I just hope nothing critical breaks in our last two weeks here and that that damn pest lets me sleep next week! I need to make one more schedule flip before we get out of here. I’m sure he’ll douse the tanks with bleach at least one more time, though. I hope he’s doing ok financially. The more desperate he is, the quicker he’ll want to start prepping the outside so he can get this place listed faster. On the other hand, it shouldn’t take him more than a day to bulldoze and trim some trees, so long as he doesn’t plan to paint or do anything too extravagant.

Except for the seclusion, I’m not going to miss this place one bit. I took some indoor pics of the ugliest parts of this trailer – behind the toilet, the mismatched bathroom colors, the hallway ceiling/grille, and I just shot the ugly kitchen door, too.

There’s always this faint smell of propane every time I get near the stove like there’s a leak or something. I’m not going to miss that either!

Tom said his coworkers were all jealous of us when he told them all about the place, LOL. Good and bad news for him there. He may continue getting the entire weekend off, but the weekday OT isn’t going to end anytime soon, but at nearly a grand a week it’s hard to complain. He only worked a half-day today due to their systems being down for maintenance but was paid for a full day’s work.

I can’t wait to explore the funhouse, as I’ve dubbed the clubhouse, more thoroughly. I’m surprised how deserted it was. You had half a dozen people at the pool yet not a single soul in sight at the funhouse. I suppose I should be more correct in my journal and call it the clubhouse cuz no one’s going to have a clue as to what the hell I’m talking about otherwise! Oh, there was a billiards room too, but I don’t think I’ll care for that.

The appraisal and inspection were done and everything’s looking good. They found a few minor things. The shower drain in the second bath is loose and the dryer vents underneath the house so there’s some lint down there, not that we care. Some small cuts in the kitchen floor (I remember those, though we’re going to replace the flooring anyway cuz it’s dull), and a few nicks in the outside trim. There’s a small dent in one of the carport supports too, which we may wall off into a garage so Tom could work on the car inside of it if he needed to. They don’t allow that there otherwise.

They’re installing a carbon monoxide monitor, and that was pretty much it. The report was emailed to Tom with very specific photos and descriptions. The patio table and chairs are still there, along with some wind chimes. I also liked that I didn’t see two new vehicles or something like that in next door’s driveway which was visible in one of the pics.

I may bitch about the high space rent, and I may worry about things going wrong and setting the stage for us to return to financial disaster (with a little help from whatever’s above that wasn’t very kind to us for so time), but it’s actually one of the cheapest there because the last people were there for so long. Most of the lots are over $800, as with most of the luxury parks in the area. I would have been thrilled and stunned to know we were going to a 1975, 1000-square-foot elevated home in a typical senior park, but a 1983, 1550-square-foot ground-level home in a luxury park is just mind-boggling! I just never would’ve believed it after living so shabbily for so long.

There are 3 trash bins. One’s for regular trash, which gets picked up weekly. Then there’s one for recyclables and one for green waste. They get alternated each week but picked up on the same day as your regular trash.

At first I wondered how the hell to care for all the trees and plants and what needed to be watered when, but it turns out there’s a drip system in place that’s on a timer located underneath the house. We just have to trim whatever needs trimming.

They had water problems due to some people landscaping in areas they shouldn’t have and damaging some pipes. We may get a couple of 5-gallon gravity-fed water tanks for the toilets just in case, but we don’t know for sure yet. Joy said it’s only occasionally that they have to turn the water off and usually only for a couple of hours.

We may eventually switch to LED lighting because it’s even cheaper than fluorescent. It’s costly at first but will pay for itself in a year, according to Tom’s research.

I love the opaque curtains throughout the place that lets light in but keeps eyes out. I used to be more into blinds, but I’ve gotten sick of them cuz they’re a bitch to dust. These I can just toss in the washer every now and then. The only room I want dark is the bedroom, but it will be in such a way that will be easier to let light in whenever I want to. Here I have rods holding blackout material flush against the window. I can take it out in seconds, but it looks ridiculous without curtains and having to flip the bottom of the material over the outer rod. There I intend to get room-darkening shades with blackout drapes like they use in hotels.

I was bummed to learn the bedrooms have no overhead lights. I hate lamps that operate on wall switches that you plug into special plugs! I used to hate entering a room at night, flipping on the switch, then turning the lamp off using the lamp’s switch, then going to flip the wall switch on the next night just to find it was already on but the lamp was off.

I’ll have to get a really good lamp in the master bedroom and probably more than one. That’s a HUGE room! I won’t use it as much, though, since I now read with the Kindle, but I still want to have something for when I’m going through drawers and closets at night.

I read the resident directory and it turns out that Gene and Audrey S are in our house now, and Robert and Virginia S are next door. Tom thinks they’re older than us, saying that there aren’t many younger Virginias. I would’ve really preferred not to have any male neighbors, though. They’re the ones more likely to be out in their garages hammering, sawing, etc.

The only other name I remember is Marion because that’s – what the fuck is our current “male neighbor” (the Jes pest) up there gunning at 8:30 at night? – Nane’s first name.

THURSDAY, JUNE 13, 2013
Other than for Tammy, Andy and Nane, I will have to be sure to edit out any info that could identify the specific park we’re in, even though the back gate is always locked and the front one is locked at night. If you go to the side of the guardhouse that isn’t gated in front, the tire spikes will be sure to get you. :) I love that security feature! If you drive up to the gate from the inside, it will automatically open, but you need either a code or a transmitter to get in. Might have to have any food deliveries done before 8pm cuz they ask that you don’t give the code to anyone. So… unless you climb the wall, make sure you have about $450 set aside for new tires cuz you’re getting tire-spiked if you don’t live there! I’m sure some of the residents give the code out to some of their family and friends, though. We’ll have to either pick Tammy and Mark up from the airport or have them come in the daytime if they rent a car. If they arrive after dark it’s still no biggie cuz one of us could walk to the gate with the transmitter if we had to.

Got up at 10:30, listened to the Jes pest cruise around on the ATV (probably to pick up our trash at the fork), then Tom and I headed for the park shortly after he got home at 12:30 for what turned out to be a very long and tedious meeting. But Joy was nothing like Stacy, nor did she look like I pictured her to look like. She wasn’t snippy and she wasn’t the frail, old, gray-haired woman with short hair I expected to see. She was around my age and was tall and heavy. She had long straight black hair to her waist and looked to be American Indian.

We had to sign so many damn forms it reminded me of when I first met with Scot back in 2001.

The diagram of trees and bushes on our lot was initialed with B’s, T’s and C’s. I joked about them meaning bitch, tit and cunt, but we really knew the B’s and T’s were bushes and trees. But we didn’t know what the C’s meant till we asked her and she told us cypress trees. So that’s what those tall skinny, boring trees are called that you see all over Tuscany, huh? She asked that we keep them at 6’ and clear of the ground to deter rats, possums and skunks from wanting to nest inside them. I almost lost it when she mentioned rats and put a hand over my mouth to keep from laughing, knowing what rats were going to be nesting inside our place, but skunks? I thought we were getting away from those things there. We wonder where the turkeys sleep at night but didn’t think to ask her.

I was hoping she’d volunteer some info on the neighbors but didn’t want to seem nosy by asking. I’m curious, but at the same time, I really don’t want to know they exist.

She asked about pets, and while we are allowed to have small indoor pets like birds, fish and rodents, we decided it’d be best to just say we were petless, figuring what they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. Allowed or not, most people there wouldn’t be thrilled at the thought of any of their residents having a couple of monster-sized rats. “Things like fish are fine, just no big snakes or lizards,” she said.

I faked a shiver, pretending to be afraid of reptiles and rodents alike, LOL. Giving someone the gift of ignorance really can be bliss for them, though we have no desire to get any reptiles. The rats wouldn’t like that, I’m sure.

There are some things she said I liked and some I didn’t. I’ll start with the things I didn’t like and save the good things for last. My biggest concern is being pestered with various activities and being inconvenienced more than I’d like, but I doubt it could be any worse than it has been here, and there it will at least be worth it and we’ll be in a place that’s ours. They have water issues where they have to turn the water off to the park for a couple of hours on occasion. I guess that due to the park being old they’ve had to make some repairs.

It may have already been done but if not I’ll have to deal with someone going underneath the house and installing a water meter in the crawl space, then placing a box outside the place. I won’t have to go to the door, though, or let anyone in. As Tom reminded me, we won’t be renting anymore. They don’t do inspections and we’re not obligated to let anyone inside if we don’t want to.

What really sucked to hear about is the July 4th parade they have. They’ll be marching through the park that day and I really hope I’m on days that day! I should be. I also hope they don’t have many events that spill outside the clubhouse and into the entire park like that. Joy said they go “all-out” and even get kids and grandkids into the July 4th parade. Ugh. :( I wasn’t at all thrilled to hear this. Isn’t loud music and kids what we want to avoid and the whole reason for going to a retirement community?

Another thing I didn’t like is that they deliver a newsletter to the door on the first of every month, though Tom says they probably wouldn’t knock, and if they did we could ask them not to.

Lastly, and what I’d say is my biggest concern, is the space rent. It’s high even though it’s one of the lowest in the park, and will increase every year. We signed a 5-year lease instead of a 1-year lease since that’d keep it from increasing as much. Tom said that after doing the math we shouldn’t even hit a thousand a month for over a decade. Still, $747, plus trash, water, sewer, cable and electricity means we really gotta keep our savings up and hope he never gets laid off until and if he ever changes jobs. He might too, cuz he thinks he can get an even better-paying job without all the OT and with even better benefits. Well, like I said, I just hope nothing up there decides to “punish” us for finally getting ahead and getting the things we deserve in life after so many years of struggling and having to do without things, cuz we couldn’t afford this place on less than $10 an hour. Then again, we survived this place at $825. It’s just that there were no mortgage payments or utility bills to pay other than propane and our cheap, shitty DSL. If the space rent isn’t paid by 5pm on the 5th, you get a $25 late fee and another one if it’s not paid by the 15th. We’re looking at a minimum of 3K when he retires and he knows money better than I do. So if he says we can handle it, then I’m not too worried. The mortgage should be paid off in a couple of years.

There’s a $50 fee for those who stay with you for 30 days (thought it was a few days). After that, they have to apply to live there or vacate.

This entry’s getting so long and I’m never going to get everything written that I want to write about if I keep goofing off, so I’ll just wrap this one up and continue on later with the park’s pros, and there are many!

Later…

Ok, back to the pros and cons of the park. Well, I don’t want to mention too many in public, but I will say that Tom and I were laughing over the thought of people who know we live there thinking we were snobs cuz it’s a luxury park. Like people from my hometown of Longmeadow, MA were considered snobs whether they were or they weren’t. LOL, it’s definitely the Paradise Valley, AZ of parks. Well, maybe runner-up, but close enough.

The meeting with Joy took an hour. I was telling her how excited I was to enjoy so many things I had to do without for so long.

“Oh yeah,” she said with a knowing smile, “you never really miss something until you’ve had to do without it. Do I ever know that.”

Do you know what it’s like to believe you’re going to die? I thought. This event in our lives is made more special by the fact that this dream was never supposed to become a reality. We were supposed to die instead. But then a miracle saved us and we could eventually think of all the things that were well overdue for us. Well, on June 28th we’re coming to collect!

Talk about being forever burdened with shitty memories, though. I had described the mutt barking out of the window next to the last place we saw as a real “punch in the stomach.” But that day Tom confirmed one of my latest dreams (or nightmares to be more precise) had become a reality, it was beyond physical. It was a death sentence that was worse than having a million knives twisting and turning in your gut. Those things we read in books about our hearts jumping into our throats or sinking to the pit of our stomachs – well, I sure learned that day that these are very real feelings indeed, and I will have to live with the horrible memory of the stress, fear, depression and anger I suffered thanks to a bunch of greedy bankers, a corrupt government, and a God that didn’t give a damn.

So while I’ll always appreciate our blessings, the PTSD will always be a little cloud hanging overhead and I will always remember the utter horror of trying to imagine us sealing ourselves in the bedroom, lighting charcoal and dying in each other’s arms while not at all being able to imagine dying of starvation on the streets. We just had no idea at the time that Tammy would’ve helped us, even if it meant we’d have had to abandon everything and fly to her place, and well… tears are starting to trickle down my cheeks. Sorry. Then again, no, I’m not sorry. Like Jenny said, I do my best. :)

But not all memories of my 5 years in this dumpy little trailer nestled in the woods with the pesky landlord are negative. Look at all I’ve learned. Look at the wonderful people I’ve met… Nane, Aly, Mitch, Adonis… and the people I’ve reunited with… Tammy, Andy, Eileen, Rosa and so many more.

My language count has doubled and I’ve published books and shared my journal (some of it anyway) for all the world to see. Yeah, I’ve picked up a few trolls along the way, but many people have left very positive, interesting, encouraging and enlightening feedback.

I still can’t keep a schedule and I never conquered my driving phobia and have seen my share of death, one of which greatly saddened me (my foster mother’s), but I never had to go through any of it alone. I always had the love of my husband by my side, the husband who would’ve refused to let me die alone, even though he probably could survive the streets, unlike me, for at least a while.

I’ll never forget the day I sat in this chair I’m sitting in right now, after we were miraculously saved, realizing that that would probably have been the day when Jesse would have discovered our bodies.

I got a bit off-topic and rambled again, LOL, so I’ll finish (hopefully) in my next entry.

Later…

Ok, now I’ll finish up with today’s meeting once and for all. You can learn a lot in an hour and end up with so much to write about, though many details will not be made public despite how secure the park is.

While we were signing the lease and making it real, Tom wasn’t sure what DOB to put on the escrow papers on the 28th when he goes to sign them since he won’t be 55 anymore at that time, haha. Either way, signing those papers will REALLY be what makes it official.

“You guys just barely made it, age-wise. Seems like you had a plan,” Joy said.

Oh, we had a plan, all right. We started talking about adult communities back in Phoenix. What with the chaos the welfare bums and a few others in the neighborhood put us through, I wished to hell we could be in one. But we were only 27 and 35 when we met.

I also laughed when I took note of how dusty Joy’s office was. She could use Andy to clean for her. Hell, I’m so sick of cleaning that I’d have him come clean our house every 10 days or so if I could when both our schedules permitted it, give him $50 - $75 bucks or so, and let him eat or drink anything he wanted while he was tending to all 1550 square feet of the place. But cleaning the place will be well worth it and it’s good physical activity.

I’m so glad we gave this park a chance! I was so tempted to just blow it off. I really didn’t think we’d get in no matter how much money we made. I remember how excited Tom was about it when he first saw it and told me about it, and I was like, “A luxury park? Are you kidding?” He was like, why not at least try? “It’s a freaking luxury park,” I insisted. “Since when do we get to go first class? Really, all spacious modern doublewides and tons of extra goodies? Us? No freaking way! Your average house there sells for $65,000.”

Another con was the resident directory listing everyone’s name, address and phone number, but she said that was strictly optional and that we don’t have to be listed. Good, because I’d rather not give our number out to just anyone, and as Joy said, there’s no guarantee the info would stay in the park.

There were a surprising number of singles in the directory and a Marion on our street, LOL. Several German names, too. I can’t remember them now, but I smiled at some funny ones Andy and I would’ve loved to have called back in our days of mischief. Gene and Audrey S are the ones in our house now and my best guess is that Robert and Virginia S will be our neighbors. They need to hire me to edit their newsletter, though, if they think they can tell us not to take our smoke detectors for “granite.”

Another pro is that the lease can be broken with a 60-day notice and intent to sell. So we’re not locked in or anything like that which is great even though I think I’ll love it there. I sure hope so! I still worry about vehicle noise waking me up when I’m on nights, but we’ll see.

The park has way more amenities than I realized. I knew there was a clubhouse and that they had various groups that got together – computer groups, choir, and things like that. But when we were given a tour of the clubhouse (I’d hate to live directly across from it and deal with all that traffic), we were like, wow! There’s a big main room, which can be rented for special events. This is where bingo is held every Thursday night, which I was delighted to hear they have. They had bingo nights where my parents once lived and I hoped this place would, too. “Of course they would,” Tom said, “Old people love bingo.” LOL, I sure felt like we were young and even good-looking compared to most of the golden oldies we saw. Anyway, they had a big bingo board where they light up the numbers. You play for cash prizes, but I don’t know how much it costs to play.

There’s so much to do there! Their fitness room was state-of-the-art! Treadmills, elliptical machines, bikes, and even a modern Bowflex gym (we had one in Maricopa). I’m definitely getting this weight off no matter what and I intend to drop a good 6-8 dress sizes even if it takes me a year to do it. To each their own with their weight and bodies, but unless it turns out that I do have some medical problem or have to take any medication that causes weight gain, I have no excuse and no one to blame but myself for my own lack of physical activity and overeating. No, I don’t eat like a pig, but it doesn’t take much to put on extra pounds at this height and age. I’m not looking forward to the constant hunger, but the diet part is just as important, if not more than the exercise part, particularly for women. We gain and retain fat more easily than men. I still have a lot of muscle which is part natural for me, part working out for many years on a mostly consistent basis that had an accumulative effect, but I just may go all out and get really ripped!

They also have water aerobics, which may be fun, too. At first I thought of selling our treadmill, but I can’t go there to work out at 3am if I wanted to, so their gym will be just to add variety to my workout when I’m up and about when they’re open. This way I don’t have to just use a treadmill. I can choose to ride the bike one day and then use the elliptical the next day if I want to, and then there’s swimming when weather permits. The pool is solar-heated. Joy took us to see the pool where about 6 women and men over 65 were having a blast. I love how visiting kids are only allowed there in the mornings. This way we can go there in the afternoon when it’s warmer and know we can swim without some brat screaming in our ears.

Other fun goodies at the clubhouse are Bridge and card games. These things don’t interest me, but they have a book and video library and puzzles you can borrow. I only read ebooks, but now that we’ll actually have a table big enough for puzzles, we can borrow some of theirs or get our own and then donate them when we’re done. The pool, fitness room and bingo will be my main things. I’m not interested in the bocce court or the potlucks or anything like that. You have to bring a dish that serves 8-10 too, and I’m no cook. I laughed when I remembered Andy and I bringing empty plates to the apartment complex we lived at in Arizona 20 years ago for some slop they were serving. We thought “bring a dish” meant to bring an empty dish to pile the shit on, not bring your own slop to share with others while you ate their slop. LMAO!

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12, 2013
Kathy’s backed off. At least for now. I just reallowed for anonymous questions on Ask, so we’ll see if she returns.

Someone asked if I analyze people and all that. I not only think it’s human nature to do so, but yes, I analyze both the dead and the living. My dad looked the other way and let mom abuse us, yet there’s no doubt in mind that he wouldn’t have hesitated to shoot someone trying to kill me even if it meant he had to go to prison for it like if he were unable to prove it was done in order to save my life.

We were talking about what knobs/locks we want to get since the first thing we’ll do is change the locks on the new place. We’re hoping to change both house doors and the workshop with the same lock so we only need one key. Although it’s kind of cool, we decided it wasn’t worth the money to get the fingerprint-scanning lock. We considered a numeric keypad, but I don’t want to have to deal with hard-to-remember numbers, since using our birthdates or something easy to remember wouldn’t be wise. So then it came down to knobs or handles and I decided handles would be cool for a change. They’re certainly easier to operate. My first color choice is gold, then silver, then black.

It’s just so fun picking out these things! Also, the little things we’re going to need to pick out too, like an additional bathmat and a mat for by the back door where we’d be coming and going from mostly. One we can leave down all the time. Here we had to throw down a towel to step in on during rainy days, but we couldn’t leave it there because there was no way to avoid walking over it to get to and from the kitchen, which would get my socks wet during the colder months when I’d be wearing them. If there is a God, I swear I’ll never let it allow circumstances to have us live like this ever again no matter how much it may hate us!

Oh, to have a full-size washer and dryer! I can’t wait to turn what’s normally 3 or 4 loads here in this little portable washer into just 1 load there, and I can’t wait to be able to wash comforters! I’ve always preferred clothes dried in a dryer too, instead of air-dried. Air-dried is too stiff even with fabric softener. Gonna spoil myself at least once with those sheets you toss into the wash that has detergent, then becomes a softener sheet in the dryer. Oh, yes I am! rubs hands in anticipation

We were told they would be out by the 28th, Tom’s birthday, so the plan is to go there that day and measure windows for room darkening shades and blackout drapes for the bedroom. Also, to study the doors to determine what type of locks would be best. We also want to see what furniture, if any, they may leave behind.

On the 29th, we’ll bring some bulky stuff over like the computers, so I may be offline that night and doing a lot of reading and listening to music instead. We’ll also bring the rats that day, too. On the 30th will be the big move where we get the truck and get everything out of here. It will no doubt be quite an emotional day for me, too.

I need to make one more flip with my schedule before we leave, though, and that damn Jes pest better not be a pest and make things harder for me! With this type of sleep disorder, you sleep an hour or two later each day. I can stall it for a week or two, but after that, it gets harder and harder as I get less and less sleep, never able to catch up by going to sleep earlier the night before as most people can. That’s ok, though. 17 more days and I’ll never have to worry Jesse’s going to come to the door again! Sure hope vehicle noise doesn’t replace that at the new place! Can’t imagine there being much in the way of home renovation noise since most of the homes around ours are in pretty good shape. Next door looks like it may be even nicer than our place and ours is pretty damn nice. Really thought we were going to end up in a dumpy early 70s place, so the 80s is like, wow!

I can’t believe this exists in 2013 and it’s LEGAL (A news article about the Salvation Army saying they help people, just not gays)! If the Salvation Army were anti-black BOTH blacks and whites would be torching every SA in sight and the SA would be hit with all kinds of discrimination lawsuits. How did this world and its laws get to be so fucked up?!?!

TUESDAY, JUNE 11, 2013
It’s after 9:00 now and I’ve got 3 hours of music queued up so I don’t have to sit and listen to the Jes pest hammer, beat, bang, bash and run whatever machinery he’s been running up there for the rest of the morning. At least it’s still mild compared to the NHA and Phoenix. How can this guy claim he’s disabled, though, and get disability checks?

Even though my cousin Philip told me he and I didn’t have any issues, he must’ve eventually decided otherwise cuz he deleted me on Facebook. Probably Ruth and Polly influenced, but that’s ok. We have a right to keep or dump whomever we want.

Speaking of dumping… Fat Kat, Cart Fart, Crazy Carties, or whatever the hell else those that have also been targeted by this nutty bunch want to call them, I’m done with that chapter of my life and have deleted some stuff pertaining to them. If they want to go on raging over people’s beliefs, that’s their problem and not mine, and I’m not about to let anyone make it mine either. That being said I can move on to whether or not I really want to remain public.

Every day I’m torn between staying public and going friends-only, and every day I say I’ll sleep on it. Only I never wake up any surer as to what I want to do than I was the night before, and when I do it isn’t long before I change my mind. I asked Tom if he’d let Molly’s “informant” influence his decision and he said no, that wouldn’t even factor into it. Well, public or not, I’ll probably at least cut out some of my blogs. I have too many. I enjoy the different features the different sites have to offer, but it makes editing more of a pain when you manage multiple blogs. I dropped Tumblr and I guess LJ will be next at some point. Maybe I’ll make that a voice blog.

I had strange dreams last night about waking up in our Maricopa house, then a dream of Andy’s mother inviting me to the beach in Arizona of all places, hahaha. I kept trying to tell her there were no beaches there, but she just didn’t get it.

He was also laughing at how I blame God for the economy. Why, though? If things happen for a reason, good or bad, isn’t He supposed to be the driving force behind these things? Ok, “responsible” may be a better word than “blame” in some cases. The guy who raises a bat to kill someone is responsible for his own actions, but who do you think allowed it to happen? If there is a God that’s still influencing the people and events on earth, it’s definitely not a good God for the most part, but yeah, if one exists I think it helped set the stage for the economy to collapse and chose who would be affected by it and how. Well, believing you’re going to die whether it’s quickly at your own hand or slowly on the streets isn’t funny at all, and I know I never could or would forgive God (along with other reasons). Again, though, that’s if one still exists. Maybe the events in our lives truly are happenstance, unplanned and totally without anything but humans, machines and Mother Nature guiding them. We’ll probably never know for sure in this life.

What did the crisis bring me in the end? Another case of PTSD and a valuable lesson learned about saving money. Then again, we’d already learned that lesson beforehand; it’s just that we didn’t have the money to save in the first place. Tom did the worst-case-scenario math and found that even if they laid him off the day we moved in and he couldn’t get unemployment, we’d be ok for 4 months. But of course he’d get unemployment, and older and white or not, it shouldn’t take 2 years for him to find another job.

Later…

Guess I’ll stay public a while longer. As I know, putting a wall around me may keep the jerks out, but it also keeps the good people out as well. It’s both fun and interesting to see who comes around, even if I’m less than flattered by some of my visitors.

Still not sure why I’m being dumped so much these days by people who either want to dump and ignore me or dump and harass me, but if it’s about me being me, then I’d rather keep on being me and keep on losing people than be someone else and hang onto people. Sure, I could say I love God, God is good, He loves us equally, He answers our prayers, blah, blah, blah. I could also say I’m a real social butterfly who sees tons of friends in person and that I have my own car and a full-time job outside of the house, but that would be lying to both myself and to others. Would that really be fair?

At least I’m half of what marriage means today. Like most modern marrieds we didn’t have kids, but we do share money, objects and household tasks without fussing and fighting over where things came from, who does what, or who was the one to actually bring in the money. All that matters to us is that we get the things we need in life. Yeah, he makes most of our money, but it’s still mine, too. He never washes his own clothes. I do the laundry. And no I don’t think we should do our laundry separately just because it’s 2013 and we’re supposed to be oh so independent. Why there’s so much separatism in today’s marriages is beyond me. Why get married in the first place if it’s such a sin and means you’re suddenly not independent enough if you need to “bum a ride” from your spouse? Just for the tax break?

My beliefs are far from unique, so I’m learning. Those who are either atheists or who believe God is not good are growing in numbers by the day. Can’t blame them due to all the chaos in the world. But unlike some people, I accept that we all have our own beliefs and opinions, and as long as no one tries to force theirs on me it doesn’t matter what they think and believe.

The weather has been weird. Where it had been hot as hell a few days ago, the cooler never came on yesterday until after 5pm. It was chilly in here this morning too, not being in a real house. Oh, yeah, that reminds me. Some folks have asked about manufactured homes and how they’re built. Saying that they’re all flimsy as hell is just as much of a myth as it is saying men are stronger than women and women can’t build as much muscle as they can, etc. Women have more fat which they gain easier than men and can’t lose as easily as men, thus giving the impression that they’re weaker when in fact they’re not really any more or less weaker/stronger. It really depends on the individual and how fit they are, but we ladies definitely have more fat. As for the manufactured homes, they used to be built flimsy, but the newer models are built like regular houses and in some ways can be tougher than on-site homes that are elevated. This is because they’re “strapped down.” They have steel rods running along their undersides in which strips of metal are wrapped around and attached to 3’ long screws that go down into the ground.

We’re thinking of getting one of those NuWave inductive cookers when we move. Love how the element it cooks on doesn’t get hot. Only the pots and pans get hot. It also boils water in just 90 seconds.

We both agree that during the first month, we’re going to basically spend it setting up and goofing off online catching up on what we couldn’t enjoy here. I want to find a commercial-less radio station with unlimited song-skipping, though I’ll probably have to pay for it. I want to catch up on movies and other videos and enjoy uploading and downloading high-resolution desktop wallpaper pics in no time at all. I can’t wait!

But then it’s back to work and back to the days of winning enough cash and prizes to equate to a part-time job in just 3-4 hours a day every day except maybe 1-2 on Sundays. Not as many sweeps come out on Sundays.

I will also get back on with my language studies and take one more shot at losing weight. Even though I’m more of a homebody than the outdoors type, I can’t wait to be out swimming, walking, riding my bike, etc.

MONDAY, JUNE 10, 2013
Aly just emailed me and said she had her own way of tracing IPs and called in a favor. Well, the sender of the message about being paranoid traces to Yuba, CA where Molly’s on-and-off friend, Jenny, lives. She said she can’t be 100% sure it’s her but thinks it probably is. She gave me her FB link so I could block her. Aly said it makes sense cuz she’s not only more of an attention whore than Molly, but she once buddied up to her just to get info for Molly. So it doesn’t surprise her that she’d be a long-time reader of my blog. Harmless or not, I’m not sure I like this ongoing obsession that will NEVER die and the idea of her knowing what’s up with me whether she’s online or not. Maybe it really is time to close the doors to the public and just blog for friends or on sites like OD where no one knows me, or so I believe.

I originally thought it was Molly’s mother, although I said it was she herself who contacted me in my public blog. That oughta shock the shit out of her to read! Even if it had been her mother like I first thought, she would still tell her darling daughter how her “friend” is doing and that she’s moving soon, though I purposely stated the wrong town in public.

When I learned who it was a chill came over me. I guess it’s because my life shouldn’t be the business of some crazy, obsessed, stalking troll who will NEVER change, that’s why. I never met this person. I’m not friends with this person. I never will be friends with this person either. I have no interest in her life and she should have no interest in mine. Why do so many people focus on those that hate them? Do they really have such a lack of self-respect?

I didn’t want to go private at first because I didn’t want to lock out those following me with good intentions and genuine interest, but I’d rather deprive the Mollys, Kims and Kathys of the world the right to know what’s going on with me, even if there’s no info they could use and abuse against me than worry about followers. I’m no longer open to making any more friends anyway after having too many people turn crazy on me. I will leave public blogs public for a little while longer so people can have a chance to know what’s going on, but then I will be sharing only with friends. No, friending me under a bogus name on MO or FB won’t work. I don’t accept friend invites anymore. Ask account #1 will probably be deactivated at some point too, but for now it’s set to only allow questions from members.

I realize I could stay public and just ignore any messages that come in, but I think I’d rather “cheat” these nuts out of my life and let them stew in agony over wondering what’s going on with me.

Later…

I know some would say I was letting the trolls control me by turning blogs private or friends only, but actually, I feel more like it’s me controlling them at this point. If the obsessed stalkers aren’t reading themselves, they’re ordering little informants to do so for them as I’ve learned, and well, I’d like to deprive them of their reading pleasure at least for a while. So I’m sorry Jenny won’t be able to give me her “official” diagnosis of the day and then run and tell Molly that I just took a shower and came out stinking of bleach, thanks to that damn cock up the hill that’s obsessed with the shit.

19 more days of this unfuckingbelievably noisy landlord of mine! I swear if it isn’t his mutts, it’s HIM! Also, I don’t care what Tom says, this is NOT normal. It’s not normal to hear your ONE neighbor HUNDREDS of feet away nearly every single day. I know we’ll just have to deal with them at the new place, but they can’t be hammering, sawing and coming and going all day in such loud vehicles, or leaving large dogs outdoors round the clock.

I just hope to hell nothing else breaks in the next 19 days! Everything that’s critical has already broken and been fixed, though, so if anything it just makes it easier for the next people in here. Unless the brand-new pump on the cooler blows out or the fairly new water tank springs a leak, there’s not much else that could break that’s important to us. So what if the heater broke right now? No one will know it till November.

The car’s AC is leaking again, though. Yeah, that sky bastard really, really has something against us having an air-conditioned car, doesn’t He? That’s ok, within a year or so we’ll be getting a new car and this one will be just a backup. That is unless Kathy’s beloved sky daddy throws any kinks in our plans.

Andy’s due to return from Florida today. I’m glad I didn’t hear from him while he was gone cuz that’d probably mean he was bored out of his mind. To me, a vacation shouldn’t be about doing the same things (other than eating and breathing) that you do all the time anyway, although having internet access is still good for checking accounts and looking up directions and other info like that.

SUNDAY, JUNE 9, 2013
Why is letting go so damn hard for so many people? When Kathy dropped me like a hot potato for not being a God worshiper and for daring to tell her that none of my prayers were answered way back when I assumed that meant she was done with me and didn’t want anything to do with me. Period. Instead, she’s taken Molly and Kim’s place (with the help of others) to harass me on various sites and I don’t understand why. Why can’t she just let me go if she hated me enough to drop me in the first place? Even if she came out and apologized for being so narrow-minded, intolerant and unable to accept me as I am, I would probably accept the apology, but wouldn’t want to resume our friendship because I would feel I couldn’t trust her or confide in her. Obviously, she must truly feel sorry and have some regrets for throwing me away like that or else she wouldn’t be holding on like she is, even if it’s through others. Why else would she be unable to let go if it wasn’t for missing me and for regretting that she tossed me away like that?

Well, I’m sure that if she doesn’t read this, someone she knows will. So hopefully they’ll tell her that I’m sorry she’s sorry, but no hard feelings at this point, ok? Let’s just move on like two mature, civilized adults instead of hanging on to what once was and will never be again. You may have a lot of time on your hands, Kathy, but you’ve got your life and I’ve got mine and I really thought you were better than that. Playing a few pranks on someone who did shit to you like others have is one thing, but I never did anything to you other than tell you what you didn’t believe or want to hear. No one can or will agree on everything and you should be smart enough to know that. I’m surprised at you, Kathy, really, I am. I thought you were above and beyond these childish tactics. After all, you’re the one who dumped me. Well, why’d you dump me if you knew you couldn’t let go? And why follow my blog and other sites if you were so sure you didn’t want to continue on as friends?

As I used to tell Kim and Molly before Molly got kicked offline and I got Kim in trouble, let’s just ignore each other and go our separate ways, ok? We have nothing to offer each other. You hanging onto me and contacting me through your friends is not only pointless, but it only makes me think you’re sorry and want to be friends again. Why don’t we just strike a truce instead? You don’t contact me and I won’t contact you, ok? Really, I wish you and yours the best in life but I really don’t want to hear from you again and I don’t want to have to call your local PD either. Again, I really thought you were better than that and wouldn’t waste time on people you supposedly dislike. There are plenty of other people to focus on in a positive way. So I’m asking you to please just ignore me, ok? If you really are having a kid that should be what you should be focusing your time and attention on, not those you’re no longer friends with. So… goodbye and good luck!

Yesterday was a whopping 106°! The Jes pest was hammering at 8:30 yesterday morning and I just heard some now at 9:30. I’m guessing he’s going to drive me batshit crazy next week with the weeding and other prepping projects he may have in mind to do along with his own. I really hope the next people aren’t home much or at least don’t mind that this cock is always, always outside.

Still not sure if I’ll continue blogging publicly and which blogs I’ll use if I do, but I’m not going to decide that till the move.

The connection we’ll have will be 30 times faster than what we have now!

It’s hard to believe that in just 20 days we’re going to walk on out of here. Alive and well. Yes, the two people who were pushed to the brink of death and seemingly destined to go out in body bags will walk out of here alive and in one piece. Damn, life is amazing at times!

It was this day 21 years ago that I left New England, never ever to return again. I was skinny and I could see without glasses, but I didn’t have the love and the wisdom I do now. No matter how much any God has hated me or will continue to hate me, I will always be loved by Tom and others as well. Unless He kills them all, that’s one thing He can never take away from me like He took away my right to a decent childhood and so much more both as a child and as an adult.

I was remembering how my second foster mother starved me down to just 85 pounds. That alone is enough to let a person know they are hated from above, but thanks to my foster sister (she knows who she is) I was able to escape that place with my life as well cuz she was a lot bigger and tougher than I was. LOL, still is, too. But I escaped the same as I will this place after God let the economy damn near kill Tom and I both. Funny cuz His “killer economy” is also what dropped these 50K houses down to 28K, making it much easier for us to follow the yellow brick road home.

I’m standing there now on the very edge of that road, a place I never dared dream I would ever stand at any time again in my life. I’m not going to walk down this road as soon as we sign the papers and receive the keys. I’m going to run like hell down it as if the ghost of my evil mother is chasing me!

Later…

“If God hates you why would the police care about you?” Kathy asked me on Ask.

If God loves her why would the police NOT care about her? How does she know that if she doesn’t stop her relentless harassment done anonymously or through bogus email addies the cops won’t care enough about HER and putting a stop to it? Yeah, she should think about that, shouldn’t she?

I didn’t read her “feedback” on MD but saw the bogus addy in the email alert I got. I won’t be picking up any more feedback there no matter who it says it’s from, so if this angry and possibly still pregnant bitch doesn’t have anything better to do than waste time spewing all this hate that I still can’t fathom for the life of me (because I disagree on God?), then let her waste her time and let her set a wonderful example for the rugrat. It’s her time, isn’t it? I almost hope the miscarriage rumors aren’t true, cuz then she wouldn’t have much time to harass people online so much, would she, if she’s bogged down with a kid? Meanwhile, she’s welcome to start her own blog saying every mean, nasty, untrue and imagined thing she wants about me, but I’m not going to read her vicious delusions and childish gibberish that come in here anymore.

I had no idea Kathy was such an angry person. Where did all this hate, anger and immaturity come from? And WHY? Because I don’t agree with her on God? What’s she gonna do if she does have kids and they turn out atheist or something? Is she gonna dump them and then harass them every chance she gets?

Well, I’m not running! I’m not going to make any of my blogs private unless I decide to, and if I do, it will have nothing to do with Kathy.

I asked her nicely to please let me go. After all, she’s the one that dumped me. This is the first stalker I’ve ever had who’s not only supposedly sane despite how angry she is, but who dumped me first. So if she dumped me then why is she still hanging on? If I’m that horrible of a person, why bother? Isn’t the normal thing to do when you don’t like someone to just ignore them?

Or maybe I’m missing the point. Maybe this isn’t hate for my own hate for God. Maybe she had a thing for me all along and I just never knew it. This type of behavior is also typical of a “scorned lover” or a crush. I’ve done enough studying on bullies and whatnot. Maybe she’s had or came to have a crush on me, can’t handle it cuz she’s so conservative, and it’s freaking her out and into lashing out at me. Unfamiliar feelings can really make a person uncomfortable and do strange things. Who can ever know for sure what goes through these nutjob’s minds? All I do know for sure is that the “stable, kind, sweet, caring, sensitive, accepting, tolerant, open-minded” Kathy doesn’t exist. Sure thought she did for a while, though, but thinking back on how we played with Molly; that was far from her first time based on what she told me. “I never tell Aly when I fuck with Molly,” she had told me, obviously not wanting her to know. But now that she’s so coldly dumped me and then started harassing me (for whatever reason) I don’t feel obligated to keep her dirty little secrets. The point is, she’s obviously been into cyberbullying on and off for some time now cuz she and Molly go WAY back.

Presently, I wonder if she’s having a breakdown of some kind that’s causing her to behave this way. If she really did miscarry then maybe it’s making her feel better to lash out at anyone and everyone, and what better person to take it out on than the person who dared to confide in her and admit she’s no fan of God’s and has no respect, faith or love for the bastard whatsoever. Can’t like God as long as He puts angry trolls like Kathy on this earth.

Well, she may not be done with me, but I’M done with HER. I’m not going to give this sicko the negative attention it craves anymore than I would with other trolls! Sometimes we just gotta end what others won’t. I’m not going to delete past mentions of her here. After all, this is a diary, journal, blog - whatever you want to call it. But I think I might wipe her out of my Ask Q&A’s.

Later…

I told Aly what was going on and she asked about it, too. I asked if there was any Kathy info she could give me that she thought might be helpful in getting this bitch off my ass. I told her I was going to try ignoring her shit for now. Ask is back to non-anonymous and I’m not going to update MD with current stuff for a while. What’s scary is that she’s following my old stuff. Past, backdated entries, I mean. That’s not easy to do unless you specifically look for certain dates or catch it on the stream. You can have MD notify you when diaries are updated (if you’re a registered member), but it doesn’t link you to the entries themselves. Oh, wait a minute! She’s subbied to the RSS feed.

It’s way cooler today than it was yesterday. Yesterday we had the cooler on high for hours, but today it’s on low and is cycling on and off. Tomorrow’s supposed to be even cooler, making a nearly 30-degree drop in two days.

Later…

Got some interesting feedback for a change from… Mrs. M? They used a bogus addy and didn’t sign their name. Well, of course, right? rolls eyes Why are so many people afraid or at least reluctant to face me? I don’t bite. Really, I don’t. Whoever it was said: Paranoid schizophrenic. Not totally. But enough. No harm meant. Just an observation after reading for a long time. Knew the house was yours. Enjoy. But you will find reasons to complain. No half-full glass for you. But you, do you, really well. You are so lonely I could cry. Be well, and prosper. These are the good ole’ days. Peace. ~B~

LOL. Hey, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t out to get you, as the old saying goes. But yeah, I’ve got a degree of paranoia in me. Always have. When you’re afraid to go home after school for fear of your mother smacking the shit out of you, it has a way of instilling paranoia in you. Not saying this to try to make anyone feel sorry for me, but just making a point.

And yeah, I’m a complainer. Why? Well, I guess the “experts” may be inclined to say that it’s probably because I was forced to stifle my emotions as a child and therefore I feel compelled to let it all out, so to speak, as an adult. And you know what? I’m not going to stop, and I make no apologies for the way I am. As long as I don’t break any laws, then I can be the biggest complainer, bitch and paranoid schizo on earth. :) Without any guilt or shame.

What I don’t get is the “You are so lonely I could cry” line. She said she’s been reading for a long time, so shouldn’t she know I’m married? But married and lonely? I suppose some wives could feel that way if they’re neglected enough, but I’m far from neglected and lonely. :)

Well, thanks for the complisults, and you’re right, I do me well and I’m proud of it, too. :)

Again I wonder if it could be Mrs. M, but she supposedly hates my guts so why would she want to follow my blog? Then again, that’s what I wondered with a few others who have expressed their profound hatred for me as well. I seem to attract just as many readers and followers who don’t like me as I do who do like me. I always did say, you either love me or you hate me. There’s rarely an in-between and people don’t usually just like me. That’s the way it usually is with me. I guess I’m an addiction of sorts.

Do I hate Mrs. M? Nah. I don’t like how it took her forever to get a certain someone offline and into the help they need, but better later than never. She may be well educated, but she’s kinda scary and so I would prefer to stay away from her and like it when she does the same. I appreciate the well wishes (if they’re sincere), but now it’s onward and through the fog… to fill my half-empty water glass. No, no, no! I meant my half-full water glass! I really did. I swear!

SATURDAY, JUNE 8, 2013
Just 3 more weeks to go! It’s going to be 104° today but only 79° on Monday. The only sucky thing about having it be cooler during the week is that it helps pave the way for the Jes pest to be outdoors making a racket, but by then he’ll only have 19 days left to possibly get on my nerves.

I can’t wait to set up the new place and take tons of pics! But it won’t be 100% set up the way we want it to be the day we move in, of course. It may be a year or two before we recarpet and refloor the kitchen and baths. We’ll be picking out some new furniture right away, but the styles and colors will depend on what carpet I’ll eventually want to lay down. Then again, we also have to wait and see what furniture they leave us, LOL.

I’m looking forward to so many little things. Not just big things like having a fast, reliable connection after half a decade, but little things like rearranging our file box, getting an additional bathmat for the second bath, using our brand new towels, and being able to wash dishes in the dishwasher.

I’m glad we won’t need a shower curtain there. I hate shower curtains as opposed to doors. I’m also so glad we’ll have a full-size washer and dryer hooked up and ready for us to use. Damn, I miss that! Haven’t had that since 2004! June 12th will mark 9 years since we last owned a place. That was the day we left Maricopa and turned our 1999, 2100-square-foot home over to an investor and left. I’ll never forget the day I so tearfully stepped out of that house and into the RV filled with mixed emotions. We were glad to go, but I knew I’d miss some aspects of it. Had I known our plans to build a dome house on Bly Mountain in Oregon were to completely go to hell, I think I’d have totally cracked up that day as we slowly wound our way out of the desert and on up to timber country.

FRIDAY, JUNE 7, 2013
What would I do without Aly? She not only helps make up for the assholes of this world, but she makes for a wonderful informant as well. Not only did she tip me off on Mary’s account not being deactivated, but she thinks the whacky feedback I got on MD yesterday could be from Kathy’s brother. His rapper name is Young Toro and his thing is to write “creatively” and metaphorically like he did and make sure his gibberish rhymes.

If it weren’t for the person going on and on about Kathy on Ask, I just may suspect Dorene, since the writing is too intelligent to come from Kim. Dorene’s the type to harass those she has issues with because she used to proudly boast and brag on her wall when we were friends all about how she’d stalk and badger her exes and friends she either dumped or dumped her.

Would Kathy harass people? I KNOW she would because she and I are both guilty of harassing Molly, I’m sorry to say. So yeah, she would harass people or use others to do her dirty work for her. I left a few anonymous insults on Molly’s blog way back when with her (sorry!), but then felt bad about it because I knew I was stooping to Molly’s level. Well, I didn’t want to become what she and Kim were, so I pulled back and simply watched Kathy tease and insult her from the sidelines.

Toro asked why I was answering questions about her on Ask if I’m over her. Well, why is SHE having her family come at me if SHE’S over ME? She threw me away in a heartbeat simply for having different opinions and experiences after I stupidly trusted her enough to confide in her about how I prayed for so many things just to be ignored. I think Kathy is a spoiled little princess who has had everything granted to her and therefore she lacks empathy for those less fortunate. But why dump someone if you can’t let go of them?

Someday her precious God will take her down a peg or two and she will learn the true meaning of heartache and loss and what it’s like to not be able to obtain something in life. The bastard above will say, “No! Just fucking no, puta! You can’t have every single fucking thing you want in life. I don’t care how right, fair and correct it may be, this time you’re going to learn to do without!”

Then what will she think of her God? The same God that sits back and allows innocent kids to be killed and all kinds of other bad things to happen?

Other than the fact that Kathy had a beautiful smile and that she and Adam will probably make good parents (don’t know how they’ll afford it but I’m sure they’ll have plenty of friends and family ready to hand over anything they may need) I don’t care what happens to Kathy from here on out. Walking down the street and seeing someone kick her brood right outa her supersized gut wouldn’t faze me any more than seeing someone water their yard would.

Mark my words, though. I’m NOT a forgiving person, I will NEVER be Kathy’s friend again, and I AM over her. As long as she and her people don’t make trouble for me, there will be no reason to ever mention her ever again. The only one who can choose to let go or hang on from here on out is HER.

Later…

Andy’s going to Florida till the 10th. I hope he has a fun time! He asked why Tom wasn’t scheduling the Internet to be turned on upon our arrival in our new home, and so I asked Tom about that. He is going to schedule it, but first he needs to know exactly when the people there will be gone. We’ll buy the new modem and router on Amazon, then have the office make the switch, then we’ll hook things up when we get over there. We could lease their modems, but then it’d cost more.

We’re also getting insurance. We had a choice of getting a plan for $200 that gives you any money back that you’ve already spent on the house if it ever burned down, then there’s a $450 plan that replaces the house with anything up to a value of $84,000. We decided to go for the second plan.

Gotta go sign the park lease next Thursday. sighs There’s always something to pay even if your place is all paid for – space rent, HMO fees, co-op fees, property tax, etc. It’s all the same, just with different names and amounts.

Sometimes I think I should start following the news a little more closely and especially the celebs so I can know who the hell Andy’s talking about when he mentions them. It’s just that the news has always bored or depressed me, and I haven’t been a celebrity worshiper in eons. The older I got the more I came to see them as just people. They may be famous and sometimes they make a lot of money, but they’re just people. So unless you’ve got brains, maturity and something really interesting to say, I’m bound to see most famous people the same as the nobodies.

He asked if Paris Jackson’s suicide attempt prompted me to share my thoughts on the matter the other day, but nope. Not only did I not know who the hell she was till I googled her, but much of my writing is spontaneous. Whatever comes to mind that I feel like writing about, I will write about. Some of it is inspired by people and invents, of course, like what’s going on in my life and those I’m close to, but sometimes it’s totally random and just because I love to write.

I have no idea why, but Jesse (could’ve been the kid) buzzed by on the ATV yesterday afternoon. groans Projects, projects, projects. They’re bound to start any day now. Maybe not until next week, though, since it’s to be in the triple digits. Right now it’s driving me crazy gunning the shit out of the fucking motorcycle. I cranked up the music, but am going to have to think of other alternatives to deal with the one I gotta deal with diagonally from us in the park since loud music isn’t allowed there.

Later…

It’s a super hot day at 103°. It’s not usually this hot until late July/early August. Tom got home earlier than usual and is going over the paperwork for the home insurance thing.

We’re at 17% on propane, another thing I won’t have to worry about anymore. I was worried there’d be too much left in the tank when we left and that we’d basically end up paying for the next people to shower, cook, and possibly heat themselves too, depending on the time of year. I also worried the Jes pest would be overpaid if we were to leave significantly earlier than we thought we would.

Tom told me he read that Richard Ramirez died of liver failure. Well, that’s good cuz San Quentin obviously had no plans to do the right thing and execute the crazy fuck. The families of the victims must be cheering. I don’t blame them.

Was on a posting frenzy the last two days, but now I think I’ll go continue on with the book I’m reading, The Answer to Your Question.

THURSDAY, JUNE 6, 2013
I was observing a discussion on suicide and found that there really are a few people, who like me, agree that it isn’t always so cut and dry. Sure, we’d like to think that suicide is never an option under any circumstances and that things can and will always get better. But can they always? Or are there perhaps some situations where things can’t possibly improve? Situations that are so miserable that suicide is an alternative that is a blessing as opposed to continued suffering? I used to be a very black-and-white person and insisted that things had to be one way or the other and that was that. Period. There was no room for any argument in my mind. There are still some issues in which I feel that way. A woman should always have a full bag of rights to her body. There’s nothing to doubt, reason, bargain or argue about there.

But there really are some cases in which death is better than life. Naturally, it’s a matter of opinion, but I’m talking about the terminally ill who suffer in pain every day with no hope of a cure. Until you’re faced with possible life or death situations, you don’t rethink certain things you were so sure of before. Such things as we had to face like the possibility of dying a slow miserable death on the streets, or a quick one in the comfort of our own bed if no one was going to give him a job. I know that if I were suddenly faced with life in prison (whether I was guilty or not of whatever landed me there) I’d prefer death because that would simply be no life for me.

Again, I realize it’s a matter of opinion, but maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to judge those who do take their lives. Agreeing that it’s too bad that it came to that is ok. But do we really have a right to judge WHY they took their lives and whether or not it was right or wrong? Can we really say life would’ve gotten better for them?

Experiencing certain things and hearing about other people’s situations can really open your mind and make you realize that not everything in life is so black and white. There really are some gray areas and some exceptions to the rule.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5, 2013
Alison knows and understands how I feel about Kathy and how some people get it all. She admits that she’s had secret wishes that a few people would lose their kids, but not Kathy. Still, she says that Kathy is obnoxious going on and on all about “little blueberry” and she wishes she wouldn’t post so much about it. Not everyone’s into little kids, as she says, and she doesn’t like it being crammed down her throat. That’s how I felt too, and I had to block her from my newsfeed before she dumped me. It was too much like having religious hogwash thrown in my face day after day. So she kinda picked a good time to dump me. Still, if there is a God up there playing favorites as it seems to be the case with Kathy, I wish it would say “NO!” to her for once and let her finally learn at 30-something years old what it’s like to not be able to get every single thing you want in life. So while I don’t doubt she’d make a good mom, I still wish God would say, “No! Just fucking no!” Then kick the bun outa her oven, never to allow any more to enter it ever again. But once you get to the third or fourth month, it’s unlikely you’ll have a miscarriage.

Alison wonders how they’ll live since Adam’s a teacher and teachers don’t make much money. Also, Kathy’s a sub and she’s off for the summer. Oh, I’m sure they have plenty of friends and family who will be quick to hand over anything they’ll need.

The palpitations are back. They’re most noticeable at the end of the day. Ironically they started up the day we learned we were accepted into the park, but it’s harmless. Just annoying at times. It’s probably due to being excited and nervous. Although I’m sure Tom’s right in saying I’ll be able to sleep just fine there, I gotta see it to actually lose my nervousness. I’m not used to having so many people close by, and if I happen to be woken up regularly when I’m on nights due to this, this or that, I’m kinda fucked. Lack of sleep is something I don’t function well on. But I should be fine on days.

Tammy left a message yesterday. She’s dealing with Mark’s health issues now, and then in the fall, she’ll be going to a hospital about her lungs. I asked her if it was really wise to wait that long, but that could be a good thing. I mean, wouldn’t it go to show she’s not that critical after all? I hope not! Maybe they won’t need to do a transplant. Maybe they can stop her from losing any more lung capacity, but what do I know?

I smiled when she said she and Mark would be “hurt” if they couldn’t be the first to send a housewarming gift. I told them that while that was sweet of them, they didn’t have to send anything since we’ll still have a lot of money in savings. We just don’t want to spend much money at first in case of an emergency. We’ll furnish the place a little at a time, though we will get a living room set right away. Not everything needs replacing. The bed is just fine. We’ve got a decent enough kitchen table. Only problem is it’ll look like doll furniture in the dining room there, LOL, so our little 2-seater will be replaced with a 4-seater. Some things we don’t want to replace or buy right away with or without money because we want to live in the place for a while and get a feel for how we want things and where we want them.

Tom said not to get my hopes up, but Brenda asked if we needed any beds, tools, etc. Tom told her that we didn’t want to spend more money till we’d been there a few months, but that we would love whatever they felt like leaving. A bed for the second bedroom would be nice, and even though most of the furniture wouldn’t be my first choice style-wise, we could use it. Anything we didn’t like or couldn’t use could be picked up by the Goodwill later on. Their kids and grandkids are helping them move out, so there’s no need to worry about them not having enough help. Again, I feel mixed emotions for them. I’m grateful for whatever they leave us, I’m sad for them because they probably don’t really want to leave, but I also see them as intruders at this point. Get out of our house!

Since Tammy insisted, I gave her a few ideas like wind chimes. I’m going to have a lot more room for those there! I may want to get bigger ones so I can hear them through the thicker walls and dual-paned windows.

Later…

Nane’s going to Spain and I’m happy for her! Although it may not be her first choice I can see where all that would matter would be getting some sun after being rained on for so long. It’s the first trip she’s going on that I feel a touch of envy. :) I wouldn’t mind tagging along and I could be her interpreter too, haha. I guess she’ll be gone when the move takes place, but that’s a good time for her to take off cuz I won’t be online much at that time anyway, which reminds me of something I want to point out. During the tail end of June and beginning of July, if you have trouble reaching me it’s not that I’m ignoring you. I’m just preoccupied with moving and setting up the new place, is all, plus there’ll be more outdoor activities for me to enjoy there as well. Don’t know how soon we’ll be back online, but we’ll have the hot spot for checking email. Blogs and such will wait till we get our regular connection, though, cuz uploading and downloading take up too much bandwidth. I’ll still prepare entries in Word and will have them ready for publication as soon as they can be published.

24 days and counting! I am both excited and nervous. :) A part of me will always resent how shabbily we’ve lived for so long, especially since it was so undeserving. Had we been drunks, druggies, lazies and people who just didn’t give a rat’s ass, including ours, then we’d have gotten what we deserved – someone else’s trashy trailer. It was a wonderful escape after 8 months of motel life in a seedy section of Sac but for half a decade?! Well, we’ll never let any economy, circumstances, fate or evil God make bums of us again, that’s for sure! My God, it pisses me off to think of how long we’ve had to live this way and go without the simplest of things in life, things most people take for granted. As I always said, it isn’t those who work hard getting good things they deserve in life I have a problem with, it’s those working hard who DON’T get good things they too, deserve that pisses me off.

Someone asked on Ask if I thanked God we’re moving. rolls eyes Actually I thank my husband’s hard work, good-paying job, and my inheritance. To quote what I told them, why would I thank an invisible entity that has nothing to do with us moving? The house was built by PEOPLE. The park it’s in was established by PEOPLE. So… God has nothing to do with this, folks. If anything God’s fought to stop this day from happening and a part of me worries about little “punishments” to come for getting our way, even though we know it should be the other way around and the house should be the compensation for having to struggle for so damn long. But I’m not going to let anything or anyone take this place away from us. We lost two places and that’s it!

Tom read the park rules and said the only thing in it that might rub me the wrong way is that they ask that you don’t go to the pool alone. Well, not everyone there is old and feeble, but since so many of them are, I understand this request. The only thing that rubs me the wrong way is the allowing of motorcycles. That just seems all wrong and totally defeats the purpose of why people want to live there. At least we won’t have to worry about loud music. I realized why it bugs me so much and that’s because it’s not “music.” All I hear is the thump of the drums or the base and so it’s noise, not music. And annoying too, like someone’s pounding or hammering somewhere.

I haven’t seen it yet, but Tom’s got a diagram of all the plants on the property so we know what’s ours. I figure the low cement wall is the property marker, but at least there is only 1 of 4 sides to have to figure out whose stuff is whose.

The Jes pest, who Tom called yesterday to inform him of the official dates, was hammering this morning, probably on his deck. I’m sure the barrage of prepping projects is going to start anytime now too, though it’s going to be super hot this week.

Later…

I answered the question of the day on Ask #1 which asks who’s the funniest person you know with: Anyone who dares kick Kathy in the gut and shows the spoiled princess she can’t get every single fucking thing she wants in life.

“Are you serious?” someone later asked. How would they know that gut was carrying her precious “little blueberry” unless it was Kim or Kathy herself?

Also, someone over there took the liberty of sending me a long list of mental illnesses, their names and their descriptions, but of course it was sent from a bogus email address. scratches head thoughtfully And they sent this because…?

Later…

Not much to do right now so I thought I’d voice my opinion on Nancy Grace. If you’re like most people you mostly see the media as legal gossip mongers acting like “popular” high school bullies who seem to be able to say anything they want and get away with it. So what if it’s the word of those they’ve never taken the time to verify, or if it may be completely fabricated altogether?

I don’t know everything about the Jodi Arias case but I know enough. It’s kind of hard to help when it’s all over the place. However, I’m a little disturbed by Nancy’s obsession with Jodi. Telling the facts as a reporter is one thing. Going on and on with repetitious, relentless, and never-ending verbal bashing, no matter how true it may be and how much the person may deserve it, can’t possibly be very productive or healthy. It’s too high schoolish. You know, like the popular student who jumps online every chance she gets to bash her fellow students who are anything but popular?

We all know Jodi Arias is a cold-blooded killer, and I’m sorry she probably won’t get the death penalty, but enough is enough already! Aren’t there other people, places and subjects to discuss? Nancy’s already stated the facts and she’s already voiced her hatred and opinion of Jodi, but then she goes and interviews Jodi’s cellmates to see what they think of her. Who cares what they think of her! Yet it’s like Nancy just can’t move on. She is in one video or article after another saying the same vicious things. Again, I don’t doubt that they’re true, and I’m certainly no fan of Jodi’s, but my God! Does it actually make Nancy feel better to bash people over and over again? Is her own life that boring and does she perhaps feel that insecure and inadequate about her own self that she feels the constant need to do this sort of thing? I just wonder these things when I see the media cut into people over and over with seemingly no end in sight.

I feel bad for the families, though, and not just the victim’s family. Jodi’s parents have to be ashamed, embarrassed and downright heartbroken over her conviction. So to have to have the constant reminders of the media vultures must be one helluva nightmare for those poor people.

TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2013
“Hey, Short Shit,” my dead father called out to me in my dreams last night. Not something he usually called me in real life. Shorty, Shrimp or Midget was more like it. Nonetheless, I got into an argument with my deceased dad over deadbeat aunts and uncles. He was going on and on about how his aunts and uncles never seemed to care about him or wanted to be an aunt or an uncle to him in any way.

“Dad,” I said, “you don’t need to tell me all about aunts and uncles that don’t give a damn about their nieces or nephews. I know.”

He looked at me in a disapproving way and said he’d see about us “getting together.”

“It’s too late, Dad. If they wanted to know me they would have by now. No hard feelings at this point, and I really do wish them the best, but I don’t want to know them anymore than they want to know me. There are better things in life than deadbeat family and toxic friends.”

In the next dream, both parents were alive and well. Only I was thinking about how my mother killed her parents. She did no such thing when she was alive, of course, and they actually died of old age-related issues. Still, in the dream she had killed them, though I don’t know why. Everyone else believed it was due to natural causes that they died, but my dream self was thinking how oh-so typical it was of Dad to protect her by not saying anything. I thought about going to the authorities but didn’t think it’d do me much good, and was never much of a nark anyway.

Facebook is really pissing me off with all its glitches. Sent messages don’t get sent, wall posts remain invisible, comments go unseen, and so on and so forth. I almost can’t wait for the day they start charging users cuz I’m outa there as soon as they do.

So why is Philip ignoring me? He’s viewed some journal entries posted to my group, but he still isn’t sending messages or posting to my walls or anything. Cat got his tongue, or is FB just seeing to it that messages and posts go unseen?

Later…

Wow, we’re gonna hit 104° this Saturday. It’s definitely getting hotter and drier each year here. Wonder if it’s going to become like Arizona.

Although I heard a slew of loud vehicles up the hill yesterday, the Jes pest never came down here. That’s ok. In about 25 days we’re out of here! Although I don’t think I can do it I’m gonna try my hardest to stay on days until after the move. I really hope those who say that time has no meaning in the afterlife are right! Especially after living in a world where time is everything while you’re one of about every 10,000 whose body disagrees.

Anyway, we plan to give notice saying we should be out by the 5th, though we actually hope to be out on Tom’s birthday on the 28th. He put in for that Friday, plus the following Monday off, so that gives us 4 days to get moved. Tom hates driving big trucks, so this way we rent a smaller one and if we can’t fit everything in it in one sweep, we have time to make a few extra runs. Because we’re not taking the shed, we got a truck that’s 10’ long.

We decided not to bother with spraying and having the carpet cleaned beforehand so Tom doesn’t have to take any more time off from work. We’ll bomb when we get there if need be, throw the rats in the workshop, then do some shopping or eating or whatever during the time we need to be out of the house. Also, we can rent a carpet cleaner for $30 if we want. This way he’ll still have plenty of days off for Hawaii. Just think, a house and Hawaii all in the same year!!!

I wonder how many neighbors will come out to greet us out of nosy curiosity when we move in? Hopefully not too many! Being polite and exchanging hellos when we see each other here and there is one thing, but we’re going there to live, not to make friends and potential trouble too close to home. But if it were a hot-looking woman…

MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2013
When I awoke I said to myself, please don’t let it be the other way around where yesterday’s letter was just a dream while in reality we’re still waiting, hoping and dreaming of getting into the park/house!

But what happened yesterday really did happen and in 30-38 days we’re going home!!! squeals with delight Tom came home from picking up the mail with a smile on his face.

“Anything good?” I asked.

“Well, if you consider them accepting us into the park, then yes.”

Instead of my face flooding with tears of joy or shouting with delight, my whole body went rigid with shock and then started vibrating like an old lonely lady’s vibrator in the middle of a cold dark night. “Omigod, Omigod, Omigod!!!” was all I could mutter.

We weren’t expecting a letter so soon. We were expecting a phone call next week instead. Tom’s first thought was that they rejected us, figuring that they couldn’t have approved us that fast and must’ve stumbled upon something really bad right away, though we couldn’t imagine what.

Logic told me we’d get the place since we do meet their requirements as strict as they are, but only until he read the letter of acceptance to me could I finally move on from hoping we’ll get the house to hoping we’ll be as happy as we think we will be there. Remember, Maricopa turned out to be a disaster, and of course Oregon fell apart, too. I know I shouldn’t live in the past, but that, plus the poverty we went through, has given me a lifelong case of PTSD. No matter how much money we have – and we estimate we’ll still have at least 4K in savings after the move – I’m still going to worry about that. I’ll never forget a letter of a very different kind he read to me on September 16th of 2011 that literally made my heart jump into my throat and then sink to the pit of my stomach in a physical way that no bad news had ever done before.

I still can’t believe that we, the people who seemed so, so destined to go out of here in body bags, will be going home to a NICE home in a FANCY park!!! You don’t have to be rich to live at LV, but you do have to have some money. Just surviving to see this day happen is truly incredible! We searched and searched our minds less than two years ago for ways to survive. But everything we came up with looked utterly impossible. When no one will give you a job and your government won’t take care of you, what’s left? I couldn’t have cut it on the streets in my 20s, so I’d say we’re definitely way too old for that sort of thing in our 40s and 50s, and so, so glad it didn’t come to that after coming so frighteningly close!

Tom and I both agree that the day the phone rang with a job in the nick of time was definitely the biggest coincidence of our lives. Most things don’t need a reason to happen. They just happen. Period. I know most people want to believe there’s a reason because it’s easier to be able to explain things, but I think most things happen just because. But that day surely made us wonder if perhaps the spirits of our deceased loved ones bailed us out in the end – since if any God existed it had already shown us we were nothing in its eyes and couldn’t care less if we lived or died – as they’re the only ones who would have cared enough to save our asses. Not just that but because of the job itself. It wasn’t just enough to get by on, it was more than enough to change our lives forever and keep my sister from being able to say she lost both parents AND both siblings.

Assholes or not it will be weird not being able to call my parents to tell them all about the new house, and I wonder if they can “see” it from wherever they are if they somehow still exist. I’ll never forgive them for the hell they inflicted upon me as a child, but I can definitely say that other than the time they sent me to Arizona in ‘92, then pulled us off the streets of Sacramento in ‘07, that they have certainly been more helpful to me dead than alive. I hope they can see where we are right now and are ashamed and disgusted with themselves for letting us live like this for so long when there was so much more they could’ve done to help us. Oh, I can’t wait to shoot the before and after pics!

So much more to write, but this entry’s getting kinda long, so I’ll save it for later!

Later…

After being nipped in the ass by a playful rat while trying to work my abs, I’m now going to do some writing before I eat and tackle some housework. And deal with what I’m sure will be a very annoying landlord now that it knows we’re leaving. LOL, but soon he’ll be just a memory!

Brandy really let a few loud ones rip last night at around 3am. Maybe it woke Jesse from nightmares of his future tenants chasing him through these woods with an ax, haha.

So many thoughts and emotions run through my mind at this time. I’m excited, nervous and happy. I look forward to so many things in our new home, both big and small. I just hope we don’t find out that next door has a motorcycle that was out at the times we were there, or that they don’t plan to get one the day we move in. I know it may be hard for anyone without my type of sleep issues to understand why I worry about being able to sleep well there when I’m on nights, especially being the insanely light sleeper that I am, but that’s ok. I figure I don’t owe any explanations anyway, right? But since I don’t have the blessing of being able to sleep at night every night, and I’m not like Tom who could sleep through a marching band, it’s definitely something I worry about. Not too much, but I do worry a little. At least there shouldn’t be that many distractions while I’m awake, though I still expect to hear more than I do here since there are more people.

I’m SO glad we got outbid on the last house! I almost suggested we not bother with this park because I didn’t think we stood a chance as nice as it is.

The “nice man and the young lady” taking over the house kind of feels bad for the old couple in it now (whose status has been officially upgraded to intruder in my mind) because they probably hate to go. It’s sad to think that they’re giving up the home they were probably in for many years just to go to an assisted living apartment to begin the end of their lives.

Well, I’m not going to smoke up their house, that’s for sure. So I’m burning what’s left of my incense like crazy. Anyone want some honeysuckle?

Just a little over a month left with this slow, unreliable connection! And oh what fun I’ll have swimming, riding my bike around the park, learning new languages, and just having some SPACE! To be in a spacious home that isn’t as old or older than I am is going to be pure heaven. It’s worth a few annoyances and distractions so long as I can sleep.

Later…

Mary checked my email again when she got up yesterday morning, but there hasn’t been anything from Maliheh. She’s had absolutely nothing to say to me about my final message to her and that pretty much tells me something about her right there. That I was right on with my suspicions. She was never a friend.

Today is Becky’s 26th birthday, and yesterday morning I got to hear Sarah on the radio promoting her charity event. She was a guest on a local radio station to help raise money for St. Jude’s Hospital. She sounded a bit gruff but confident. She kind of reminded me of my friend Paula.

There’s been flooding in parts of Germany, but fortunately, Nane’s not in any danger. I knew they were cold and rainy for June, but I had no idea about the flooding. I read some news articles (in German, of course) she shared on the crisis. So I got to learn about what’s going on in parts of Europe and practice my German reading.

Created a group on Facebook to share journals with my closest FB friends, but didn’t add Andy or Adonis cuz they prefer to read my posts elsewhere. Not sure I like it yet. I like how I can see who checks out what, though. It’s a secret group. Groups have 3 levels. Open, closed and secret, and mine’s secret, which means only members can see it and leave comments. If you’re a Facebook friend of mine and you haven’t received an invite to the group but would like to be a member, let me know and I will add you.

Just to clarify things for those who have been curious, the park is set up very much like co-op living. But instead of the monthly payment being called co-op, fee or whatever, it’s called space rent. It covers more than just the space your home is on, though. It helps pay for the cost of keeping the pools, Jacuzzis, clubhouses, roads, gates, security, lake, trees and other amenities going. So it’s very similar to co-op living.

One thing I’m going to love is how much more stable the temperature inside the house will be. No more cold nights and warm days. Metal rooftops run alongside both long sides of the house, which will definitely help keep it cooler, and there’s a big awning in front. Only the back doesn’t have anything but that’s because there are no windows back there. All that’s back there are the bedroom closets and hot water tank. I hate having to sleep with a mask over my eyes cuz it’s so damn bright in here when I sleep during the daytime. This is because here we have a swamp cooler rather than an AC and so I have to keep the back window cracked, which gets hit by the afternoon sun.

The tentative plan is for him to work till he’s 70 and put our pension money in our 401K until then. That way, between what he gets and my pension and whatever else, we’ll be looking at retiring with about 3K a month. That’s almost what he makes now! Plus, if we do decide to stay at LV forever, our space rent is locked in. So only other things could go up in cost between now and 14 years from now. As Tom said, it’s scary to think he’ll be 70 in 14 years! His dad would’ve been 101 last month if he were still alive.

I knew it. I just fucking knew it. I hear the Jes pest buzzing around on its ATV right now. Let me guess… it’s gonna be down here any second, right?

SATURDAY, JUNE 1, 2013
Is this the month? Is this the month we go home or at least find out when we are? I really hope this is it! I feel like we’ve been waiting for years. There’s so much we’ve wanted to do for so long that either couldn’t be done until we moved or that we chose to put off until then. I just want to get on with it already!

In screening and publishing old journal excerpts, I realize I could really be stupid, immature and naïve at times when I was younger. I suppose a lot of us look back on our younger selves when we get older and laugh. But some of it isn’t very funny. I spent too much time considering others and not enough considering myself. There’s a good way to be selfish, like being true to yourself, and there’s a bad way to be selfish, like sitting on your ass and doing nothing at all to help a friend in need that you know damn well you can afford to help.

I spent too much time trying to make like I was ok with things I wasn’t at all ok with, and due to trying to just put a smile on my face and simply shrug and roll with the punches, I lost out on some things. These things may never have been mine to have to begin with had they not been meant to be, but I could really kick myself for either trying to please others and not standing up for myself as often as I should have. I was just too damn nice and too damn forgiving and part of that is why I got so taken advantage of at times. People just don’t appreciate kindness. Instead, they see it as an opportunity to pounce like vultures to get what they want, be it in the name of greed, jealousy or just plain hate.

I ranted, raved and bitched quite a bit throughout the years, often about the same thing, but I did it as a therapeutic means. Where some listen to music and others like to drink, I bitch in print. I may feel silly, stupid and even a touch embarrassed for some of the things I’ve written, but one thing I will never feel is guilt. Right or wrong, selfish or not, my feelings, beliefs, opinions, tastes, goals and thoughts are one thing I’ll never feel guilty for. Our minds are the only place we have total freedom. There are no laws or rules in our minds, no matter how wrong and even sick some may consider some of our thoughts to be. In my mind, I’m free to imagine anything I want with absolutely no consequences to face, and I never have to share what’s in that imagination if I don’t want to. I’m free to do anything I want there. I’m free to love. I’m free to hate. Even free to kill.

Later…

I saw that Mary finally picked up the email I sent her, but I still don’t want anything to do with her and I appreciate the fact that she, Molly, Kim and Kathy have been leaving me alone. I STILL can’t believe Kathy dumped me for disagreeing with her on God! I know this may be the cruelest thing to say, and as I told Aly, she may want to slap me for it, but I hope she loses that baby. I honestly do! I am so, so sick of seeing some people get it all (LITERALLY) while people like Aly and I struggle our asses off just to get nowhere. It’s like all Kathy has to do is just want something and it’s hers. There may be a bit of a delay, but in the end, if God does play favorites, she sure is His spoiled little princess, isn’t she? Well, I think it’s high time she was taken down a peg or two. The only thing she seems to have going against her is her weight, but not even that much seems to bother her. Really, I would love to see her precious God kick that bun right out of her oven and not allow anymore to enter it unless He keeps on kicking. And no, I don’t care if she knows how I feel. I’m kind of surprised she hasn’t harassed me in some way. Do you know that she loved to harass Molly on and off, I asked Aly, and that she begged me not to tell her? Well, after what she did to me I sure as hell don’t feel obligated to keep her little secrets.

I was reading back on how a prayer counselor was telling me back when I wanted a kid that God promotes that kind of thing and that all I have to do is ask, and He’ll grant anything that’s fair, correct and reasonable. OMG, what bull fucking shit! What wasn’t “fair, correct or reasonable” about two people asking to have a child?!”

Anyway, Aly’s doing just horribly. She didn’t get the job she wanted, her hours may be cut where she currently works, her skin is broken out, she can’t sleep, she’s depressed, overwhelmed and feeling hopeless, and lastly, she gets laughed at by some kid selling tickets at a movie theater and called a retard for stuttering. At least she reported the fucker.

On top of all that, her Facebook account was hacked by what she suspects may be friends of Molly’s due to the types of messages she’s been getting. They even messaged a friend of hers who just gave birth, asking if they could be the baby’s godmother. I’m surprised I haven’t gotten any messages, though I went and blocked that account. This way, they not only can’t post to my wall, but they don’t even see my name unless they check her messages. As usual, Facebook isn’t doing shit about it.

Tom said the Jes pest took the news as he expected he would. His tone was neutral and he was just like, “Yeah, ok, uh-huh, oh.” He probably wasn’t surprised due to the mail we received here from the mortgage company. If he’s upset by us leaving in any way, he’s not showing it. I would think he’d be at least somewhat bummed out over knowing he’ll have the hassle of prepping this place, listing it, and hunting for new renters, even if he’ll make his sister do most of the work. She has to since he doesn’t have a computer and I highly doubt he has a digital camera either. Also, I can’t picture him cleaning his own place let alone this one, so he’ll sic most of the task on Maryann just like he did before. Wonder if they’ll start off bullshitting the new tenants about “the neighbor,” like they started to with us till they realized we wouldn’t pester the Jes pest and that it’d be the other way around instead.

We blew the pilot out of the heater which better be for the last time. If we’re here come November when we need heat again, then yes, there really is something up there trying to screw us.

I did have another dream I hope is a good sign that the park will accept us. We were at the pool where there were a few other people wanting to know why I looked so young and if I was old enough to live there, LOL. We won’t know for sure until next week if they’re even going to accept us or not.

No, I haven’t prayed that we get in because I still think that if we could simply ask for whatever, then we’d all have what we want. I think the concept of prayer is nothing more than wishful thinking. Same with telling ourselves God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Then why do some people die of illnesses and injuries? Sure seems like it was more than they could handle! I understand, though, that people need to tell themselves these kinds of things for encouragement, even if they may be kidding themselves.

Tom’s been doing the loan paperwork over the weekend, and I’m doing laundry and housework. The weather’s been hot and dry, as I like it to be. Ich liebe Sommer!

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Last updated August 17, 2024