August 2012 in 2010s

FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 2012
Did my nails in periwinkle. It’s an interesting and unique color for nails, though not my favorite.

I checked and found that the triple-wide place I liked sold. I’m not surprised. That was a lot of house for not much money.

sighs I really think it’s kind of sad that 98% of my goals and dreams have been unachievable whether they were far out or perfectly reasonable. I still have to wonder why, too. Not getting things I want in life isn’t the only thing that makes me feel singled out and picked on from above, it’s all the problems I’ve had, some being rare and extreme. But I’ll beat the bastard above at his own game if I have to, and if none of the parks accept us in the end we’ll make the best of this place. This place may not be perfect and it may not be ours, but it’s not the worst place to be in. We may not be able to make it bigger but we could fix it up and make it beautiful. God can keep me from having first best, but He can’t keep me from fixing up second best.

Tom says he doubts not having any rent receipts would be an issue since we have a rental agreement. It’s the credit that could be an issue, and God would use scammers like the management company up in Oregon to keep us from getting a place, too. Like I said, though, this isn’t the worst place to be. Far from it. I will make the best of it.

Nane was in my blog and appeared to have picked up my messages on Facebook, but I haven’t heard from her yet today.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 30, 2012
Downy Unstoppables rock! They not only make your clothes smell so nice, but the whole place smells nice, too.

Someone asked what my reasons were for keeping blogs about my life, past and present. No particular reason. It’s mostly for fun, though it’s also a way of sharing things with friends. I don’t just see them as journals but as a platform for my creativity as well. I like to be artistic in my styles and designs as well as just post what I write, and add pictures.

Am I going to post the way I was legally screwed and then jailed? I was also asked. Yes, I am! You bet I am going to do so without an ounce of shame. Why? Because what happened to me wasn’t my fault and was totally undeserved. I would probably still post it if I had deserved what I got because people do break the law and go to jail at times, but I have no qualms about sharing my experiences connected to that. I just don’t expect everyone to believe me since my perps were black and had kids, but that’s ok. As they say, as long as we know the truth that’s all that matters. I know what happened. I was there.

Have people tried to tell me I should dislike blacks? No, not really. Just a couple of people, though I always refused to believe that a color could render someone “bad.” I dislike the people who railroaded me because of their personalities and their behavior, not their color.

No news on Mary, though she is officially released and under supervision. It says she’s on felony probation, but I don’t know what all that entails and for how long she’ll be on it. I also don’t know if she’s on standard or intense probation. Really hope it’s not intense for her sake or else she may as well still be in prison.

Later…

I’m so pissed right now I could really shake the old biddy that was supposed to show Tom her place today, now almost yesterday. She ended up busy. How fucking rude, huh? Why did she make the appointment if she knew she was going to be busy? Unless an emergency came up I don’t want to do business with someone who’s unreliable. Tom said he’ll try again tomorrow, but if that doesn’t work then I don’t want to bother with this woman.

He was already in bed when I got up and so he left me an email. He said he knows I think the opposite but that he kinda gets the feeling there’s something really good waiting for us and that something’s trying to keep us from settling for second best. Well, I “kinda” get the feeling something’s trying to stop us altogether. First of all, unless you’re rich, life isn’t about first best. It’s about what you can get. It’s about taking what you can get and making the best of it. Secondly, when has first best ever presented itself to us? When it came close we didn’t have it for long. Lastly, we’d need at least 10K to keep from having to settle for second best and we’re probably half a year or more from having that amount while still having enough for the lot, food, gas and other things. Right now we have 4K.

Again, though, having the money to buy the place outright, whether it costs 3K or 30K isn’t the issue. The issue is getting the park to accept us. It makes no sense for them not to considering that we’ve paid more here than what the lots the homes are on rent for. But when does life ever make sense? All I know is that something up there has been obsessed with me being where I don’t want to be for most of my life. If God doesn’t want us in an adult community, He’ll find a way to stop us. If not by the park turning us down for not having perfect credit, maybe He’ll use the fact that we have no way to prove we’ve been paying anyone anything for some time now. Jesse’s wanted cash for a long time.

I’m not returning to the city mainstream, so maybe we are where we’re meant to be. There are worse things in life than renting someone else’s overpriced, tiny dump and having to listen to their dogs at times, right? So maybe it’s time to quit dreaming, unpack some boxes that I packed, and start making this place more livable – recarpet, repaint, etc. Maybe Jesse would even let us add another half-bath and a washer/dryer hookup though I don’t know where the hell we’d put them. And maybe someday there’ll be reliable Internet service out here.

I told Tom I think we should try two more things before we accept the fact that we may not be meant to move at all. We should first go for the gold. If he’s right and we’re meant to have “something good,” then let’s try for that 10K triple-wide and see if they’ll be willing to work with us. If not, let’s go for the 1000-dollar little dump in the park he described as cramped, because if we can’t get that, what can we get? Nothing at all! I know the frustration, sadness and anger that comes from struggling for what isn’t meant to be. I don’t want to go down that road again. I try for something and if it isn’t meant to be I move on. Period. If I focus all my energies on what’s not meant to be, I then miss out on what is meant to be.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 29, 2012
Tom called this old lady (I guess her name is Harriet) who wants to move out of her place and into an apartment. The place is 780 square feet as opposed to this 500-square-footer but has two bedrooms and 1½ baths. Besides it possibly being too small, it’s not much newer than this. This is a 1966 trailer, hers is a 1975 manufactured home. Tom said she said it needed work but made it clear that she’d go lower than the 5K she’s asking for. As long as the space is sufficient and there are no real electrical or plumbing problems, old and ugly would be ok because we can make old and ugly look new and pretty.

Don’t know if it’s got a dishwasher or a washer and dryer. Don’t even know if it’s got an AC or a cooler, but it’s 50/50 where that one’s concerned. Harriet doesn’t have pictures of it online, but she gave Tom the exact address so he could check it out on Google Maps.

Too bad that when he stops by to check it out after work tomorrow he can’t expect an honest answer if he asks her how often her neighbors come and go and have company. And how often do the neighbor’s dogs bark when they let them out to shit?

If we choose to buy it, we could be out of here in a little over a month, but only if the park approves us. That’s going to be the real challenge; not finding a place we can afford. But I guess that will be a true test of how “meant to be” it is.

The only real thing Tom said that I didn’t like was that we’d have to coordinate the move with her moving out into an apartment. Coordinating with Jesse may be tough enough. He may or may not be nice enough to give us a few extra days if we need a little more than 30 days to move. He may jump on the projects that need to be done and list this place on Craigslist the instant we give him our 30-day notice, promising future tenants they can move in on a specific date.

Singlewides, expanded or not, usually go for 3K and not 5K, so hopefully it’s fully loaded with appliances and isn’t too shabby. Having 1½ baths would be better than 2 baths since all we need is an extra sink and toilet. I hate feeling like I have to take a dump when he’s in the shower! Also, if the rooms each have sufficient space, then the overall footage doesn’t matter.

I hope the park people (those who run it and work there) won’t make up for the lack of sales and religious calls. I’d really hate for them to come to the door once a week to ask if we’re interested in a specific event at the clubhouse or for any other reason. But I also like how the place will be ours and I won’t have to answer to anyone if I’m busy or not in the mood.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 28, 2012
I’m so excited about Mary being released from prison tomorrow! Well, today, where she is since it’s already the 29th there. I can just imagine how excited and nervous she must be! I can’t believe they made public the address she’ll be at, which is also in Florida. Do they want to get ex-prisoners killed or something? I don’t know whose house it could be, but it’s gorgeous. I checked it out by satellite and although it’s one of the few without pools, it looks like a beautiful house in a beautiful neighborhood. I thought she’d be going back to Arizona or maybe to North Carolina, though I don’t think she should return to her family. Her brother is one thing, but the rest of them seemed to be nothing but a bad influence on her.

I just worry and wonder what will become of her. I mean, how much of a life can the poor girl possibly have? Being in prison, even if you may not deserve to be, doesn’t exactly open up a lot of opportunities for you. She can’t just get a job or find housing wherever. The only other sucky thing to dampen the excitement of her release is knowing she’ll probably be on parole for the rest of her life, though I don’t know this for a fact. I haven’t talked to her in years, so this is just a guess. I hope not, though, because being on parole or probation isn’t much more than an extension of jail. Sure it’s better than actually being in jail, but you still feel like a child whose life doesn’t belong to you. You still don’t have much freedom. I would run if I knew I was looking at a lifetime of being told what to do and when to do it, though I don’t know where I would run to.

I wonder if she and her family want revenge on the judge who reneged on his end of the deal and didn’t let her go two years ago as promised in exchange for her testimony against the real monster. I don’t blame them for any ill feelings and wishes they may have. When it comes to the law and the courts you can’t trust a damn thing you’re told. Another job I couldn’t do is be a judge, though for very different reasons than why I couldn’t stand to be a hospice worker. I’d be in fear for my family and myself all the time. Whether most of them deserve it or not, you can’t just go around playing God with people’s lives and expect nothing to ever come of it. Sooner or later I would think I would sentence or lie to the wrong person. No thanks!

Later…

Despite the annoyances that go with living here (the slow, unreliable internet, the barking, the Jes pest), I’m getting close to calling off the move. I see old, familiar signs emerging of just what can happen when we try to fight fate. Before the move to Maricopa I had a bad feeling that although it made no sense, we’d be “punished” for moving to a better place. Then sure enough, all kinds of things went wrong with our brand-new house, and old enemies hunted me down and reached out to haunt me in ways that made the way they would torment me from just a few feet seem like nothing.

Now here we are with all these unexpected things coming up to delay us from becoming homeowners once again after 8 years. Tom is either too sick or too busy to even call to set up a lousy appointment to see if our scammers have fucked our credit up enough to throw us a curveball with that alone. We’re NOT paying our perps to get ahead in life, I told him. We were forced to do it down in Arizona; we’re not doing it here. We shouldn’t have to pay money we don’t owe to some con artists just to get something we want in life. Tom worked for the money to buy the place outright and to easily afford to rent the lots it’s on. THAT should be enough. Paying our perps is like a rape victim cleaning her rapist’s house so she can get a new car or something. It just ain’t right.

But again I ask myself, would we have lost two places if we were meant to have our own place, even if it ended up being a good thing in the end what with how cold Oregon was and how dangerous Maricopa was getting? Struggling for what isn’t meant to be can be a sure way to an unhappy life, so if all we’re going to do is get punished for just thinking about it, I’d rather just stay here. I hate to sink our money into dressing up someone else’s place, but I’ve really had it with all the delays and I’m ready to just call the whole thing off. These curveballs must be coming at us for a reason, right? IDK, maybe we already are where we’re meant to be, and maybe that’s all we’re good for is to be crammed into someone else’s old shitbox. Sure seems like something up there thinks this is all we deserve, but it’s better than jails, funny farms, hospitals, prisons, hotels, projects, or the streets.

A couple of hundred bucks won’t exactly put much of a dent in our savings, but we definitely need to get a REAL mattress. Airbeds are comfortable as hell but the first one lasted 4 months and the other one lasted 4 minutes. An inner wall let go in this last one too, and I did NOT overinflate it. Comfortable or not, it’s time to quit throwing money away on cheap crap. Foam breaks down, memory foam causes backaches and overheating, and so I checked out some coil mattresses on Amazon and Walmart. The coils may sag in time, but I would think it would take longer than foam. Especially when you’re not as heavy as most people.

Woke up with a sore throat today, but fortunately it went away after I ate and showered.

MONDAY, AUGUST 27, 2012
Life is still going well, Tom’s getting better, and our savings continue to grow. However, I feel stuck in life right now.

I worry there’s going to be all kinds of headaches to delay us from buying a place and just the thought of having to be here many more months to deal with the internet alone makes me want to scream. Since they weren’t going to give us the speed we were paying for anyway, we downgraded to a slower speed. So even when it’s reliable and not cutting out as much, it’s slower than molasses. Especially if I try to go online while he’s streaming live TV.

The raspberry ketones do seem to help with weight loss, though they’re not going to be much help for me because of my screwy schedule. I still have no idea why, but I don’t lose weight in my sleep when I’m on nights like I do when I’m on days. So once again, it’s something only those lucky enough to be “normal” can benefit from. They definitely do help curb the appetite, though, so if you can lose 1-3 pounds in your sleep every single night, you should be able to cut back on calories enough to lose weight. With me, though, every time my schedule flips to nights my weight basically resets itself and I put back what I lost when I was on days. That’s ok, though. I don’t mind being fat so long as I don’t get any fatter. I worry about that more than I worry about losing what I’ve got.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 26, 2012
Still getting views from Molly’s residence, though I don’t know if it’s her or her mother.

Although I was tired all day yesterday, I accompanied Tom to Walmart. It had been a while since I’d gotten out so I needed to. After a week or two, I get cabin fever, homebody or not.

Got some more crackle polish. This one’s in Snow Blast, so now I have dark and light crackles. I white crackled over various colors a little while ago. My nails, especially on my left hand, are getting ferociously long but I still can’t bring myself to cut them. I keep thinking they’re going to break any minute now, but they never do.

I’m still worried about Tom. He’s not coughing much, but his lungs are still congested.

Exchanged messages with Nane. Well, she probably crashed right before I got up. She’s so sweet. She and I are really close. We may each have a guy we love the hell out of, but there is a definite bond we share.

Love the joke Andy told me – What did the tampon string say to the other?
Nothing. They were both stuck-up bitches.

Anyway, although life is going well overall, I was just sitting here thinking about Mom and wondering what’s going through her mind when she’s with it enough. I wonder about Tom and I too, and our future. I just wonder when the hell we’ll move or if there’ll be many more curveballs thrown at us along the way. I wonder a lot of things. I’m curious and analytical by nature. I take the things most people don’t even think about and I examine them in my mind from a million different angles.

Had to turn all the fans off earlier as it’s going to be getting down into the mid-50s tonight. Still got the windows open, though.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 25, 2012
Tammy left a message for me to call her at home in Connecticut. She and Mark drove back up from Florida. Mom’s not in the hospice. I guess it had something to do with her insurance as well as what she wanted, according to Tammy, who says mom’s out of it most of the time anyway. Nonetheless, she’s now in a nursing home and her prognosis is still not good. She still has that same infection and her kidneys are still messed up. I continue to have mixed emotions about the whole thing too, and well, I’m not going to get into that right now. I haven’t talked to Mom and I guess that’s not possible where she is. Tammy’s been in touch with her doctors and nurses, but that’s about it for now. Nothing more anyone can really do but try to keep her comfortable till the end.

Tom got to take the day off today thanks to a downed tree blocking the drive out toward the road. It was a good opportunity to catch up on his rest. He relapsed during the week and never got fully over his cold. I don’t hear him coughing as much, so I guess that’s a good sign.

Even though I slept about 10 hours, I crashed for a few more hours after I’d been up for a few hours. I was doing a massive cleanup within my photo files when all of a sudden I felt tired and dizzy. So I went to lie down but didn’t want to fall asleep due to having clothes in the washer, even though I did anyway. I was worried they’d be wrinkled, but they weren’t.

Our lone bamboo plant is sprouting a new stalk down by the roots, I was surprised to see. I’ve had this plant since Oregon.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 24, 2012
All my cleaning, cooking and other chores are done, so now I’m free to write, write and write! I’ve got a lot to say too, most of which cannot go online. Just wondering if I should cut my nails off first. I keep waiting for them to break, but they won’t. Still curious, though, as to how long these damn things will grow if I don’t, so I guess I’ll put up with them a while longer even if typing with them isn’t always so easy.

I’m just about completely over my cold, but Tom isn’t completely over his, partly thanks to being overworked so much. He’s not just overworked, he’s overfucked, and I feel so bad for him. I’d be out there with him if I could be, hating my job and my coworkers, but I do get enough online shit and other things to help make up for it. Still, I really wish the incompetent idiots at work would stop fucking with him! I asked if they treat everyone like shit, just the white folks, or if he thinks they’re singling him out for some reason, and he said it varies. Gays and whites may have it the worst these days in the workplace, but stupidity from higher-ups affects everyone of every race, color, age and gender. The dental and vision insurance is just fine, but they’re now claiming our zip code for our regular health insurance was changed online and that’s why he hasn’t been able to make an appointment with a primary care doctor about my allergies. He’s pretty sure they just fucked up but doesn’t want to admit it for some reason. Tom’s doing some research cuz if this is the case he’ll have no choice but to file a police report in case of possible identity theft which I guess would force his employer to own up to their mistakes. But if it is identity theft, we need to know about it ASAP.

Identity theft is a scary thing. It’s a very real possibility that can happen to anyone, anywhere at any time, and the real Jane Doe or Joe Shmoe may not always be able to prove his or her real identity. To think that being thrown in jail for a letter I didn’t write may be nothing as opposed to someone posing as me who may commit a major crime that I end up taking the fall for is a really scary and frustrating thought. It could happen and there may be absolutely nothing I could do about it. God would put me in such a cruel, unfair and helpless situation, too. He doesn’t usually look out for me and my best interests, and well, be it due to people’s stupidity, hate, anger, greed or jealousy, I’m just sick of seeing us get screwed over in various ways and left totally defenseless. God always makes sure our perps are those that either have a hold on us or who remain elusive enough not to be able to track and fight. It just gets both old and scary to think of what people could have in mind for us or who could be using our identity that we know absolutely nothing about… yet.

Tom had to spend the day straightening the insurance account out and doing their job for them since they refused to own up to it and take any responsibility. He said something about not wanting certain medical records online and making an appointment for me next week to see if the claim goes through or not.

I asked if there was any risk of being fired or laid off and he says he doubts it, though a part of him wishes it would happen. I hate to see him have to work with such assholes, but he’s still white, he’s still older, and the economy still sucks. He couldn’t just swap one job for another. And even if he could he’d probably be just as cursed at the next job, just like I’ve been cursed with bad neighbors and barking in nearly every place I’ve lived in as an adult. The only good thing is knowing that if they laid or fired his ass right now, we could up and buy a place and have our monthly expenses be half of what they are here. It may have to be another old single-wide, but we’d be safe. Whatever’s up there would have to find something else to beat us over the head with cuz right now we’re anything but poor.

sighs Bad things really do happen to good people who have matured, grown and who try to do the right thing. Praying is often like talking to a wall, and if there’s one thing I’ve learned in life it’s that one doesn’t always have to ask for trouble to get trouble. After what we’ve been through in life with the poverty and getting legally railroaded, vindicated in the end or not, fears of the past returning to haunt us are always present.

I worry about our credit too, thanks to the scam of a property management company we rented from in Oregon. It’s common practice for rental agencies to claim a tenant that’s moved out left the place dirty or damaged and then to rip them out of their deposit, but did they really have to go so far as to ruin our credit too, by saying we owe them $200?! We left that house spotless. If it isn’t them trying to scam people, then the only thing I can think of is that the neighborhood kids vandalized the place once they saw it was vacant and we got blamed for it. So unless we pay our perps, just like we had to do down in Arizona, their spite and greed could hold up the move even more.

Again I have to wonder why and how some people can get so much shit they don’t deserve dished at them. If you fuck people over and then bad things happen to you, that’s understandable. That’s called karma. But what do you call being innocently victimized? And why is it that we always “happen” to not be able to fight back? It’s like God arranges it that way just to screw us all the more. Never has anyone done something to us that we could actually do anything about. Never. And that’s scary. It really is. To think that God’s using us as little pawns for people to take their hate, anger and greed out upon is really scary. But Tom and Jodi certainly could never screw anyone over themselves if they wanted to. Not that we would ever want to, but who could we possibly screw over in any way that would really hurt bad, and how? Who could we rip off? Whose credit could we ruin? Who could we get fired or set up and thrown in jail? Oh, we could piss them off by saying some things they wouldn’t want to hear, alright, but who could we really screw AND get away with it if we wanted to??? The answer is no one, so it’s a good thing we have no desire to be like that.

Like I said, though, trouble doesn’t always breed trouble. Sometimes just minding your own damn business and going about living your everyday life can bring trouble. Take Kim, Molly and her mother, for example. I am doing absolutely nothing to these people yet they refuse to leave me alone. Who would have ever thought I’d be stalked by 3 people, all of them women, and not one of them gay?

I was mistaken in saying my parents opened a trust fund. It’s actually a family trust that is supposed to speed things up upon their deaths by avoiding probate court and all that, but I realized something last night. It’s gonna take a helluva lot longer to get my inheritance than just 6 months, whatever it may be. The economy sucks (another thing God would do; have my folks go when the economy sucks) and their property isn’t going to sell for much, nor is it going to sell very fast. Hell, they might even auction it off in the end, who knows?

On the other hand, it not only seems awfully hard to think that even if they owed considerable money all I would get is a few grand for two luxury cars, a luxury condo, and a store, but it also seems hard to believe that everything that’s to be liquidated is to be given to me no matter how “ok” others may be doing.

Later…

As for the trio of trolls, it’s the same old shit. Kim’s just trying to make trouble for me on Ask and in her attempts to turn Aly against me, Molly is still lurking about though leaving for the group home soon, and Mommy Dearest is still blaming others for her darling daughter’s big mouth.

Apparently, that wasn’t Molly who spent 45 minutes in my blog between yesterday and the day before, but her mother. Her mother saw the part where I mentioned the group home and went and blasted Aly’s friend Regina for it since she couldn’t get ahold of Aly directly. Poor Regina, though Regina’s finally smartened up where Molly and her equally demented family are concerned, especially after Aly enlightened Regina on more of her experiences with Molly. Aly assured her that trying to reason with Molly or her mother would be a complete waste of time.

I told Aly I would watch what I said from now on, though I still worry she’s going to Kim with things I don’t want her going to the skitzo with.

Funny how I don’t even have to say Molly’s name for Judy to know who “troll #1” is. Typical enabler making excuses! Instead of blaming others, she should be blaming HER DAUGHTER for opening her mouth in the first place.

There was a Stafford Springs, CT visitor on my list last night with Cox Communications. That used to be Kim’s info when we were “friends” and she’d visit me regularly. I asked Aly if she was sure she really did move, and she said she thought that might be a relative. She did ask Kim, though, why she’s bothering to follow me after she claims she doesn’t care about me or want anything to do with me, and she keeps insisting she isn’t, but neither of us believes her at all.

Yesterday I changed my Twitter handle when Adonis found me, figuring others could find me too, and sure enough, someone asked why I changed the name on Ask. Today someone asked why I went private on FB. Aly and I both suspect these “questions” came from Kim. Obviously, it’s someone who’s following all my regular accounts, though I’m not very regular at all on Twitter. Today it was to ask me to please open MD back up after I made that private and MO for just friends. That could’ve been Kim or even Andy, wanting to read old entries but without being tracked. Could’ve even been Maliheh for all I know. Then again, as much as I doubt it, maybe it’s no one I know at all. I reopened MD, but I won’t be updating that or MO regularly, so that’ll frustrate Kim if it is her, LOL. She’ll either have to wait till it’s updated or risk forgetting to disable cookies and check me out on LJ instead. Or have her “sources” check for her if she’s too stupid to disable cookies.

But why does Judy check up on me??? Does she find me that interesting? Is she curious as to what I may say about Molly and maybe even hoping to file her bullshit suit against me? Is she worried about what her daughter and her big mouth may be telling people?

Never thought I’d come to like LJ so much, though I wish I had more control over background pics. Did they recently add other features that I like, or were they there all along and I just didn’t notice?

Aly knows she has every reason not to bother with Kim, but still finds it hard to completely let go. She says she’s always had problems letting go of past friendships. Really? I would’ve thought she’d totally respect one’s wishes that said they didn’t want anything to do with her. I know I try to be respectful of those who don’t want to bother with me. The only one that was hard to let go of was Nane, but she wasn’t just a friend. It just goes to show once again that I don’t always know someone as well as I think I do. I highly doubt it, but maybe it’s her that’s been trolling me on Ask. Maybe it’s Andy or Maliheh. Hell, maybe it’s my goddamn sister or nieces! Yeah, I’d love to be able to track Ask, but I do like the mystery and the fun of guessing, too.

Nane was sick on her birthday. She seems to be sick a lot lately. She said she slept for over 24 hours. Wow!

Later…

No word all week on Mom. If I had to guess she’s been moved to the hospice. Tyrant or not it’s still kinda sad. I’d be both sad and scared, but like Tom said, hopefully she’s so far out of her mind by now that she doesn’t know what the hell’s going on. Maybe she’s too busy asking the nurses for a beer or something like that to know where she is. If she is, why not honor that request and give her the beer? She’s going to die soon anyway. I just wonder when and if I’ll be able to talk to her before she does and if she’ll know who I am. I still don’t even know how badly the stroke has affected her left side.

What a job those hospice workers have! I don’t know that I could do it and remain that “professionally detached.” How could you not feel bad for those people? It may be a fact of life that we all gotta go someday, but still, what do you say upon greeting new arrivals, welcome to the Pearly Gates? That’s kind of what it must be like, the Pearly Gates before the Pearly Gates.

Although they don’t understand senility, it sure does seem to run in my family and it seems to affect women worse. My dad wasn’t out of it when he died, but one of my grandfathers was kind of out of it (the other one died of a heart attack so it’s hard to say what he would’ve been like when he got old), both grandmothers were very out of it, and now mom’s pretty out of it. I guess I’ll be a little out of in the end too, and personally, I hope to hell I am. Better to be as out of as possible when you’re about to die. I was very much with it when we sure thought we were both going to die last fall, and I can truly say that having a sound and conscious mind is no way to go! So I hope that when my own time comes it either comes too fast for me to know what the hell hit me or I’m completely out of my mind.

It seems each generation is beating the last by 5 years since 3 of my grandparents made it to 75 and my parents made it to 80. That means that Tom has to make it to 93 in order for me to have a chance to make it to 85, cuz when he dies, I die.

The raspberry ketones do seem to be helping me to curb my appetite, fill me up faster and lose weight, but a lot of things “seem” to work at first. There’s no way to know how long or how much effect it will have on me after just a few days. But that’s why I only got a month’s supply.

We got a turkey baster to suck up water from the cookie sheet under the leaky pipe in the bathroom. I had to tip the tray to get it out from under there, spilling the water all over and defeating the purpose of having it there, so this makes it much easier. How much longer are we going to have to deal with shit like this, though??? Seriously, I feel like we’re never going to move! I just want to get out of here and on with our lives! I want more space. I want a place that isn’t so damn old. I want a fast, reliable Internet connection.

LJ posts to Facebook just fine but only to my wall and not the newsfeed unless I post it manually. That’s okay because I don’t want old entries posting to FB, just current ones. I figure that if people want to read about my life in the 80s or 90s, they can go do so on their own.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 23, 2012
Not much to say today. I still have faint remnants of a cold, but I’m 98% better.

Troll #1 was back in my LJ blog again today. What happened to the group home?

Although I just want to laze around, I’ve got to work out and do some cleaning as well as a load of laundry.

Still not sure if I want to keep just LJ public or all 3 of my blogs. I’m doing a test now to see if I can get LJ to automatically post to FB. I can manually post it there, but now I want to see if it will post on its own. For some reason, things would post to Twitter without any problems, but posting to FB can be hit or miss.

If it weren’t for Nane, I’d probably shut down on FB altogether. I’m sick of people tagging me in photos I’m not even in (what’s the point of that?) and sending me other requests and shit I’ve told them a thousand times I’m not interested in.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 22, 2012
Molly spent 41 minutes in my LJ blog from her relative’s place in Brownsville. So that pretty much tells me that she either was going to the MD one from home because she didn’t want to appear on my MO tracker, or she was disabling cookies at home. It could also be that her mother blocked MO on her computer, but this proves what I figured; that she’s been following me all along. If she could be interested in what I have to say on Ask, why not my blog, too? Now that she knows LJ is tracker-ready, it will be interesting to see if she continues to go there. Or at least in a way that appears on my tracker. After what I went through with Kim, she’s welcome to follow me all she wants. I totally prefer her to Kim any day and find her a welcoming refreshing breath of fresh air. Like I said, for someone who’s usually a good judge of character I had NO idea Kim was crazier than Molly on Molly’s craziest of days. Maybe not quite as mean as to wish someone’s cancer would kill them or to express what they’d like to do to their parents in their sleep, but definitely not quite as crazy or quite as shitty with lying.

Still recovering from my cold, and yes, it was definitely a cold given how long it lasted and the symptoms I had that I don’t usually get with just allergies. My nose and ears are still stuffy. Not sure the air cleaner’s helping much because I awoke several times on account of my nose being blocked. At least it quit having to potty. That was so damn annoying with the way it would run every so often. Oddly enough, my mouth was also dry even though I haven’t taken any cold or allergy pills since the day before yesterday.

Was finally able to get on the treadmill, but only for 10 minutes. My energy levels still aren’t very high. I’m relaxing for a while before tackling some cleaning.

Started the raspberry ketones, but only one pill instead of the two pills it recommends to see how my body takes to it. No nausea, but I might be just slightly jittery. I can’t really tell if it’s that or if it’s just because I’m still sick.

The email mystery has been solved. The one where Tom would receive things I’ve sent in the past with what I currently sent. Well, what the Mac’s email program apparently does is it groups emails together with the same subject title.

I forgot to mention that I befriended Wissal on Facebook the other day and told her “I know your secret” like she told me on MD, LOL. She was a little shocked at first, but I told her not to worry about it. I just thought it was funny if I surprised her and I guess I did!

Whether or not certain people are ugly or beautiful is a subjective matter, same as what foods are good and bad. So does it matter to me whether or not someone supports or understands how I feel on certain issues? Well, yes and no. Sure it’s nice to have those I’m close to get where I’m coming from. But it really doesn’t matter in the end who thinks what because nothing they could possibly think could change the facts or how I feel. So I guess what it all comes down to is how I feel and that I be honest with myself and do what’s best for me.

I don’t know what the hell’s going on with the move, but I do know I’m so fucking sick of all these goddamn plumbing problems! God am I ever sick of it and living like a fucking bum! The fucking pipe under the bathroom sink is leaking again but we are NOT going to deal with HIS problems anymore. I just threw a pan under the pipe, though we have to sop it up with an old towel before we empty it because it’s such a tight fit between the floor and pipe that it sloshes out when we try to pull the pan out. The wood is rotting in so much of the place, too.

As I’ve said before, it really pisses the shit out of me that we’ve had to live like this for so long. I have nothing against those who have it better in life, especially if they’ve worked hard and deserve what they’ve got. It’s those that work hard to be rewarded with this kind of bummery that pisses me off.

Whatever’s up there could allow us to get moved and let Tom have steady work until he retires while we do our best to be as smart as we can about our money in which case we’d never have to struggle again in our lives. But would it be that kind to us to let us have the security we deserve? I doubt it, but if all my inheritance will do is buy us the things on our list that we want for the new place, wherever it is and whenever we end up living in it, fine. That’ll be good enough for me since I know not to expect too much out of life anyway. I have been blessed for nearly two decades now with the most important part of life and that’s love. I am also healthy for the most part, too.

Trying to decide whether or not I want to make LJ my only public blog. It pretty much has all the features I like (I can insert pictures, trackers, and backdate old entries I’m posting from the 80s on up), so I might make my other two blogs friends only/private and just use those as a backup. Haven’t decided yet. It also appears that I can search the blog after all. There’s no “whisper” feature on LJ, but it’s cool how I can add moods, locations and what I’m currently listening to on my last.fm radio station. The only thing I can’t do on LJ is change backgrounds. Hmm… decisions, decisions. Should I keep all 3 public or go with just LJ?

I’m worried about my friend Eileen right now and her husband. They have plenty of friends and family around who would never let them be homeless, which is good to know, but I worry because not only did their business go under and cause them to be living off of savings for the last 6 months, but Eileen’s husband was hit by a car while riding his bike. He ended up with broken ribs, ringing in the ear, and a disc in his spine pushing on the sciatic nerve. For these things to happen to them definitely goes beyond just “bad luck.” I mean, that is a definite, definite curse. shakes head sadly Again I have to wonder why such bad things happen to such good people as Eileen and her husband. I told her to let me know if she needs help and she said it brought tears to her eyes that I would offer. Hey, she helped us and that’s what friends are for.

No news on Mom yet so I guess nothing’s changed with her and she hasn’t been moved to the hospice just yet. So I don’t know what’s going on at the moment, though I guess Tammy will call me from whatever state she’s in as soon as something changes. Like I said, despite the past problems we’ve had it’s hard not to think about her and hope she isn’t suffering. At least not too much anyway. I never wanted any pain or punishment to befall my mother, but if those who believe karma gets us in the afterlife for the things we didn’t pay for here are correct, then she’s got some hard times ahead of her once her earthly life is over, cuz she sure as hell never paid for the things she did to her kids here. Perhaps just with a touch of guilt or regret at times, though I don’t think she realizes all she’s done wrong. Some abusive mothers really don’t consider themselves abusive at all and instead, they believe they were good mothers. I think she’s aware of some of her mistakes, though, because my mother isn’t crazy or stupid.

The air cleaners they make these days are so quiet and lightweight compared to the one we got in Phoenix that we ditched not too long ago. This one has an ionizer but I only use that when I’m awake cuz it has a bright blue light that comes on when it’s active and I like sleeping in total darkness.

Still too soon to say how the raspberry ketones, if at all, are going to affect me. Since I didn’t puke or get too jittery, I’m going to take the second pill after I’ve been up for 10 hours cuz that’s when my hunger tends to be worse. I told Aira about it and she’s going to check it out on Amazon. It does seem to be curbing my hunger somewhat and filling me up faster when I do eat, but I need to give it more time to see how it really does.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 21, 2012
Happy birthday to my buddy, Nane! Well, it’s not her birthday yet here in the US, but she’s 52 and still hot as hell.

I was so sick the last couple of days that for a minute I started to think just maybe I am in for a substantial inheritance after all and now God’s going to kill me so I can’t collect. Nah, I knew I wasn’t going to die or anything like that. I just felt like shit. We’ve both come to agree that it probably wasn’t just allergies and that I did catch his cold after all. I sure as hell hope it wasn’t allergies, cuz if it was, then my allergies have reached a whole new and scary level. My allergies have included mostly sneezing with some nasal congestion. But the last two times my nose ran like a faucet every so often that I even had to sleep with tissues jammed in underneath my nose. The last time I had the runs and a sore throat. Not much in the way of a cough, but I did have a wave of nausea for a minute there and feared I might throw up. I feel like someone karate-chopped me between the shoulder blades and took a bat to my ribs.

I slept on and off for 14 hours. I crashed at 7pm and woke up a few hours later. I fell back asleep around 3am after blowing my nose so raw it felt like someone lit an incense stick and dabbed the outer edges of my nose with it. Then I got up at 7am right before Tom left for work. Then I dozed on and off till 11am. I still feel weak and out of it and my head is still clogged up with congestion big time.

The spells worked to make Tom’s cold only last for two days and then he was fine with just a little cough. However, the spells I’ve done to try to influence my own self to get better have done me no good at all. This is the fourth day I haven’t worked out.

I’m just sick of being sick and always having to have one problem after another! Even dental and ear pain was easier to deal with because they didn’t interfere with my life like it does when I have to stop and sneeze like crazy or blow my nose. Now that my teeth are better, my allergies take over. If I got them under control somehow, something else would be a problem. But we do need to get them under control. I looked back through my journal and starting on April 30th is when they started to become a regular problem. Tom and I agree it’s gotten to be too much. I can’t go more than a week or two without an attack.

Tom’s calling doctors today from work and will be bringing home an air cleaner. It does seem to be worse since I stopped using our old, small air cleaner you plug into the wall once the rat died. Plus, the windows are open and the cooler’s on, so I figured an air cleaner wouldn’t do much good, but from what I read, that’s not a good thing. The healthiest thing would be keeping the windows shut and running an AC if you have one. But I don’t know that we’ll ever have a place with an AC as long as we’re in this area, and I still suspect it’s something inside, particularly in the bedroom. I did also read that bedrooms do tend to be the most problematic area due to dust mites. Tom sprayed Lysol all over the bed, carpet and drapes, but I doubt it’ll do me much good. I need whatever that prescription snot spray was that I used to take down in Arizona. The only sucky thing is that you can’t wait till an attack starts to snort up. You have to do it regularly. It’s preventative medicine.

Really hope we don’t have to return to a cold climate to stop these attacks. I have no idea where we’d go. I looked up the best and worst cities for allergies but found nothing but contradictions. Some say Sacramento is great, others say it’s lousy.

I looked up self-help tips online and tried a nasal wash that didn’t seem to help much. That consists of the same mixture of salt and baking soda I rinse my mouth with to keep cavities away.

Anyway, I still feel run down as hell. Just a few hours of moving about and my energy is totally depleted no matter how well I eat or how much caffeine I pump myself with. I haven’t even started the raspberry ketone pills yet. I want to wait till I’m 100% better. That way if I do have any side effects I won’t blame it on the wrong thing.

I have more to say, including some bad news, but I’m just too out of it to get to it now.

MONDAY, AUGUST 20, 2012
Tom and I are feeling a little better today. He’s going to come home early from work if he has to. They’re starting second shift today which might cut back on all the OT he’s been doing, though he will probably have to work Saturday. The money was nice but it’s been really hard on him.

My allergies were horrible yesterday. I didn’t have so much in the way of sneezing as I did a stuffy, runny nose, but this is really getting old. I started marking the attacks on the calendar to see how frequent they are, but it seems like they’re about once a week. Too much to deal with using just over-the-counter remedies which only make my mouth dry and me drowsy. It’s time to start taking care of myself and making dental and allergy appointments (I’ll delay the eyes for now) and quit waiting on a move that either isn’t going to happen or that isn’t going to happen anytime soon.

Last night I kept waking up feeling like cotton balls had been jammed into my mouth. The congestion was so bad I had to keep sitting up to blow my nose. My nose is a little better today but my ears are still clogged up.

It was nice hearing from Irene. She hasn’t forgotten me, she said, just been busy. She’s had her own issues to deal with and soon will be vacationing right next door in Italy.

It was also nice to learn that Troll #1 is finally moving into a group home and away from her enablers. I know the name of the place too, so if there is any trouble from there, maybe they’ll do something about it, unlike her parents.

Tom started looking up what legal documents he could find pertaining to my parents, and now just mom, out of curiosity. Most of the recent stuff is just her getting things in just her name now that dad’s gone. What was surprising was learning that the beautiful brand new doublewide manufactured home they had right on the ocean was only worth 100K. That doesn’t seem like much even for the late 80s. The home was gorgeous, the view was to die for, and the 55+ park they were in was gorgeous as hell. They seemed to have a lot of amenities there, too. So 100K for all that seems a bit low. 100K was what our place in Maricopa was worth.

Also, they set up a family trust fund in 1992, but they don’t make those records public, so we couldn’t find out anything about it.

IDK, though, maybe my parents were never really rich but just really comfortable instead. Looking back on it now, they would’ve seemed rich as hell in the eyes of the poor person that I was living like a bum in the slums. I was struggling even in the nicer places, so when you can’t even fucking eat, of course they’re going to seem rich to you.

Same with the houses they had in Longmeadow. Of course those would seem like multimillion-dollar mansions to one living in an apartment. But it was really just an upper-class neighborhood that any comfortable family could afford.

Mom probably inherited about 100K from her parents, then when she and dad sold the house in MA, that would’ve kept them comfortable for a while along with the little boutique mom had and then the store at the flea market. They’ve always loved to sell things and were just total retail kind of people. But I don’t think they were ever rich as in having millions. I think they were just comfortable in the many thousands and most of that is gone now with all the spending they did and then their medical bills.

Later…

Writing isn’t only fun for me, and it isn’t just about being creative, but writing is also my therapy. My journal is my sounding board while my readers are just an afterthought, not that I don’t appreciate them and any feedback they may have to offer. I do! But I won’t deny I’m selfish when it comes to writing. I won’t mention certain things a friend may not want mentioned, but otherwise my writing is about me first and others second.

Every time I think I’m getting better, off I go on another sneezing fit. My whole head feels like it’s in a vice. I don’t mind the runs as they only get the extra weight off. But to have to stop and sneeze or blow my nose every so often is getting beyond old. Why do I have the runs anyway? Is it from the Claritin or just my sinuses draining and upsetting my tummy?

No calls yet regarding Mom, but Tammy seems to call in the evenings her time. Where Dad’s official cause of death last February was heart failure, I guess hers will be kidney infection due to autoimmune system failure. The kidneys, as most of us know, filter out the blood’s impurities, but when they don’t work right, our blood basically becomes poisonous and damages vital organs.

Once again I question just how true of a friend Nane is. What’s the first thing she does when she gets back home from Switzerland? Posts pictures of her trip, of course. They’re lovely pictures, but I would think most people would first respond to messages left by their friends about their dying mother, even if that mother wasn’t always very nice. Sometimes I wonder if traveling is more important to her than anything else, including her own family and Askim. I guess some people are just like that. They’re quick to jump in with all kinds of comments when you’ve got something good to announce, but as soon as you announce an illness or a death they’re nowhere to be found.

I take that back. Nane just messaged me and we chatted a bit. As I told her, though, I don’t feel up to chatting much cuz I still feel sick, but don’t want to just lay around either as that gets boring.

On the bright side, she had fun in Switzerland, just above the Italian border, and said the trip was what she expected it to be. Why can’t things ever be what I expect them to be??? I expected to be out of here by now.

According to what I looked up online, it can take weeks or even years, with the average wait being 6 months when it comes to receiving an inheritance. At this point, if it’s just enough to cover the things we’ll want for the new house if we ever get to that house, that’ll be good enough for me and we’ll both appreciate it very much. I really think that’s all it will be, too. God would’ve killed us for damn sure last fall if He knew we were in for BIG bucks that went way beyond 10K. Especially if I’m right in suspecting we were meant to be poor most of our lives. I’d like to think we could get moved, start saving again, and that Tom will have a steady job till he retires, in which case we’d never have to be poor again between that, being smart with our money, the 401K and other retirement funds, but I know God wouldn’t let life be that easy for us. He loves to tear us down every few years or less and get a good laugh at watching us scramble to survive and then build ourselves back up again. That’s part of why I doubt it’ll be much more than 5K if even that.

If I thought there was any real chance it would be a substantial amount I’d be willing to stay here and listen to the barking which will worsen as it cools down, along with the engine gunning, hammering, sawing and bulldozing, because the more money one has, the more options they have as well. But I’m ok with just moving when we can. Although, if there are more delays that can’t be ruled as just “coincidences” I’m backing out altogether. You know I always get punished for trying to fight fate. Notice I’ve been sicker more often since we started seriously looking? It’s like I’m being punished for trying to get ahead and out of someone else’s place and into our own place. We both are.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 19, 2012
When Tom decided he was too sick to go out park scouting today and needed another day of rest so he’d be able to work tomorrow I said, “Why is it that it’s getting more obvious to me that something up there doesn’t want us moving? Why don’t we just say ‘fuck it’ and get on with our lives in someone else’s tiny old dump like we’ve been doing for the last 4 years and 4 months now.”

“If anything, something’s trying to stop us from making a poor decision,” he said.

“That’ll be a first,” I said.

Tom went on to explain that worst-case scenario, the delay gains us another paycheck and pulls us into the range of what we want. As of yet, we’ve been looking at mostly single-wides, but now we’re entering the doublewide zone, which is more of what we want. Yes, I’d rather own a single-wide on a lot that rents for half this place, than rent this place for twice the cost, but I’d REALLY rather have sufficient space for once! We’ve been living in tiny places since 2005. Enough is enough already! Since nothing’s perfect, I’d rather go back to having more space than we need and complaining about how long it takes just to vacuum, than to have to cram 20 objects into each precious square foot of space we have here.

I don’t want to get my hopes up, though. Yes, I know the longer the move takes the more money we save, but nothing up there has ever prevented us from making poor judgment calls before. Unless Dad can step in and help guide us now that he’s gone, nothing else will care to do so if our common sense and research alone aren’t enough to do the trick.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 18, 2012
Yesterday I got a call as I was coming out of the shower and saw it was from mom’s number. I called the number and got Mark, Tammy’s husband, who sounded like a very nice guy and not the usual, aggressive abuser Tammy used to go for (or that went for her). Anyway, he said she was tied up and so I told him who I was. He said it was a pleasure talking to me and would let her know I called.

Then I got a message from her asking that I call her at her condo. At first I rolled my eyes and thought, great, just great. Now she thinks we’re buddies and now she’s probably going to call me all the time. I also wondered what she could possibly have to tell me in just a day. Deciding it must be important if she was asking that I call her, I grabbed the number for the condo, scribbled it down, and punched in the number. She answered and broke down in tears as she told me she would be moving Mom to a hospice. Her immune system is so shot that she’s just going to keep on getting one infection after another no matter how hard they pump her with antibiotics. The treatment she had to fight the cancer she had years ago would’ve damaged her immune system to a degree, and when you’re 80 years old it’s just not easy to bounce back, but personally, I don’t think mom wants to and I don’t blame her. As we all understand, she’s been lonely, depressed and miserable since Dad died last February and has no desire to live. That, and the fact that we didn’t usually get along well, helps make this a bit easier on me. At 80 years of age, the world isn’t exactly full of opportunities, and so I don’t think she wants to get better enough to go home to an empty condo just to sit in front of the TV until she does die. My mother doesn’t believe in the afterlife, so she probably doesn’t think that dying is a way to be with Dad again so much as she sees it as a way to escape living without him. She and Dad were like Tom and I. One simply doesn’t want to live without the other.

Tammy and I both laughed at the funny memories and cried over the sadness of the situation. The senility part may be sad, but it’s also kind of funny. I wonder if she’s going to demand a Miller Light in her final moments or some other whacky request.

She’s very frail and still isn’t eating or drinking much. That alone tells me the end is near. I really thought, even though I couldn’t imagine it, that she might live a few more years in a nursing home, but they tell me she couldn’t have more than a month or two if even that.

As for me, I’m going through a ton of mixed emotions. I feel as sad as I would for anyone who was miserable both physically and mentally and knew they were going to die soon that wasn’t some kiddy molester or mass murderer. I feel guilty for all the times I wished she would drop dead, but Tom reminded me that this isn’t my fault and it still would’ve happened even if I’d wished her to live forever. I feel relieved to know her suffering will end soon enough and then I can be free to decide exactly what I want to do as far as other family members go, and know that it’s not going to come back to Mom and Dad and that I’ll have to hear all about it from them and know that most of what they were told was probably bullshit anyway, though I do wish my father could’ve lived all my life.

I’ve been flooded with random thoughts, both past and present, both happy and sad. One minute I’d be remembering how I nearly starved to death waiting for my food stamps to get to me when I first moved to Arizona. I felt bad for the me of 20 years ago that I couldn’t fucking eat while my parents lived like kings and queens. It brought out my hate for God and reminded me what an undeserving piece of shit He often seems to think I am, toying with my survival like that and like He did with both my husband and I less than a year ago. A part of me is surprised He didn’t see to it that they stopped both my disability checks and my food stamps and left me hungry and homeless when I first got to Arizona, but that would defeat the purpose of His “plan” for me. You can’t have fun cursing someone if you throw them into a situation that’ll kill them.

Then it would hit me that while I’m grateful to Tammy for helping out with Mom and keeping me up to date since I’m too far away and Larry couldn’t care less, it’s kind of sad that a woman who was so abusive at times could have someone to help her in her final days while Tom and I won’t have anyone. Talk about undue karma!

Tammy said mom sent her love and I told her to call me as soon as she’s able to, though I can’t guarantee that I’ll be around to answer. I don’t know if Mom will have her own phone there or if mail can be sent there, but I doubt it. It’s a hospice, after all, not a nursing home, so I don’t even know if we’ll be able to talk. I hope so, though.

She said she has no online access at all and that the computer she brought down with her broke, so that’s why she hasn’t been able to leave any messages on Facebook. I guess she’ll be staying at the condo a little longer.

So on we went laughing and crying, and while I hate to admit it, I felt a surge of closeness to her for a minute there and wondered if maybe she does care and maybe she is sorry for the past. Maybe I’m judging her too harshly for the past and maybe she isn’t really out to screw me and maybe I should take it one day at a time instead of deciding for sure that I’m going to dump her or not dump her at such and such a time. I just don’t know right now.

I don’t know if I believe this one, though she did sound sincere. Supposedly, Larry really has been cut out of the will, which I suspect is due to his whoring around with child women and all that. No one wants any of mom’s money to go to some 21-year-old bimbo and the child she and my 58-year-old brother never should’ve created. She says Mark has spoken to him since she doesn’t even want to talk to him anymore. Also, they spent hours with Mom’s attorneys and are letting them handle it so that Larry, or some third cousin we never knew we had, can’t contest the will. The attorneys are the ones who will be liquidating Mom’s assets. Lastly, she says – and this is how she worded it – that it says I am to be provided for. She says she told the attorneys that she and Mark were doing ok while we’ve struggled, and that while it may not be much, I’m to have their share of the cash once everything is sold off. Again with the spark of mixed emotions! If this is true, that’s very sweet of her and Mark. But it was a reminder of how I’ve been God’s designated little family underdog for the most part, thanks to the mountains He’s thrown in front of me that He always knew I couldn’t possibly climb. It also reminded me of how twisted and unfair He is that He would allow a bitch like Tammy, who hasn’t been much better at motherhood than our own mother, to do pretty well most of her life. Gee, God, I’m sorry I wasn’t a bad enough person to “qualify” for an easier life.

What I didn’t tell her, more because I didn’t think it was an appropriate time than I didn’t want her to know, is that we’re doing the best ever and don’t intend to be trailer trash living in someone else’s trashy trailer for much longer. Oh, yes, God’s little underdoggies will prevail. I’m just glad He was kind enough not to burn this place down before we could leave it. Yeah, it gets a little scary this time of year every time the place starts smelling smoky cuz you can never know how close any of these forest fires may be or if it’s just the wind carrying the smoke from far away. One can’t see very far when they live in the woods, though there’s one section down the drive where you can see out to the main road.

Anyway, to get back on topic, where we were doing the worst ever last fall, now we’re doing the best ever. He’s made good money before. It’s just that we either spent it or it went to a very expensive house we never should’ve gotten. I just didn’t think it right to brag about how good we’re doing while our mother is dying.

Do I believe she and Mark are really forfeiting their share of the money to me? I don’t know. She seemed honest enough, but if it’s true that pretty much tells me what I suspected; that there isn’t much money. Even she said it may not be much and that dad had a lot of medical bills in the end. I figured most of the money would run out between mom’s overspending and their medical costs. I also knew God wouldn’t allow us a large lump sum of money, though what His “limit” is I’m not sure. I know up to 9k is “allowed” cuz that’s what I won a few years ago before the economy went to hell and the rise of Facebook made the competition insane. No more having to fill out forms. Now you can just “like” something with one click and the whole world’s entered to win the same lousy T-shirt. Anyway, Tammy said she didn’t know how much it would be, but if I had to guess I’d say around 5 to 10 grand. Either way, as soon as everything’s done and over with, Tom and I will be checking records.

She also guarantees that Larry won’t get anything and that he “doesn’t have a potty to pee in.”

Then how did he and his knocked-up child-woman get to Florida? And how are they living and how do they plan to feed the little bastard? Then again, who cares, right? As long as this stranger-child-woman and its offspring don’t get what isn’t theirs. That’s all that matters.

She asked me what else other than pictures would I want from her condo, saying mom had a teddy bear collection. I told her I didn’t want any of the material things and that anything on our list to buy when we move isn’t anything Mom would have, so she could keep everything in the condo. This works out well because Mom has some antiques she likes while I’m a modern freak. I hate antiques. I just wish I could live in modern places a little more often than I do, but the next place will probably be a ’70s place (at least it’s a decade up from this ’60s place) and probably about 720-1000 square feet.

sighs Again, I have such mixed emotions about everything. I try to tell myself to forget the past, that it can’t be changed, that Tammy didn’t know about the welfare bum’s warrant, but she did defend her abusive ex, she did turn on me, she did lie, and together they sicced the pigs on me which led to an even bigger nightmare that would last me nearly 3 years before I was vindicated. How do you just forget and forgive that and not think of that when you think of her, see her name, hear her voice??? It’s not just what happened in the past, it’s knowing what she could do in the future even if I’m not going to be dumb enough to let any abuser of hers have it by phone or mail like I was dumb enough to do before. That was her ammunition against me. As I learned, if we don’t give anyone the ammunition in the first place, they have less to beat us over the heads with.

If everyone who ever wronged me came to me with the most heartfelt apology, there would be just two people I could never forgive and she’s one of them. Right or wrong she didn’t just fail to return a few bucks she borrowed or drop and break my nice new mugs. Yet oddly enough, I did feel a strange tug of emotions when we cried together on the phone in between laughing at some of Mom’s ways. Tammy’s favorite color is purple. One time she went down for a visit with dark purple nail polish on. Naturally, mom scoffed at it and then Tammy asked what was so much better about her nail polish. Those shades of light pink, pale peach, nudes and tans that she used to wear were barely even visible, LOL.

She said the girls are all on their own which was a little surprising. I thought the youngest two still lived at home, and hey, we are living in the Big Kids Forever era where not many kids want to drive, work or venture out on their own.

Still don’t know what to make of Tammy herself, but I don’t doubt she’d turn on me if I dumped her. The Internet has made it very hard to avoid people unless you’re a hermit online like Tom. But most people have active online lives. I would literally have to shut down almost every account I use and come back under an alias to escape her cuz she’s not going to just let me go whether I told her off and stormed off in a rage, or I said nothing and all and just silently walked away. People just don’t like to let me ignore them when I want them to or handle rejection very well.

I was glad to at least hear Aly say that pulling away from Kim has been easier than she thought it would be. Kim hasn’t even noticed, but as I learned, she never was a true friend. She lives for herself and her delusions only. I’m glad she’s not being stalked and harassed. If I had to start over I wouldn’t take the confront-and-dump approach. I’d just fade away.

Aly’s been a great online support along with Andy, but I haven’t heard from Nane in a few days. I think she’s in Switzerland right now. Maliheh hasn’t appeared to have opened any emails I’ve sent her over the last week, so who knows what’s up with her. I was going to wait till she opened my mail before sending any more, but I think I’ll send her the last few entries today.

Later…

Last night a huge clap of thunder woke both Tom and I up, but I went back to sleep. Wish I’d been awake, though. I like the sound of thunder. Love that wet earthy smell too, that the rain brings, though I doubt it rained much. That’s like the third storm surge this summer, which is weird.

Tom, unfortunately, woke up with a cold. He was able to go to Walmart, but he’s sleeping and relaxing for the rest of the day, which he definitely needs to do. I hope his cold isn’t the result of being overworked, and I hope I’m not next, but with the cooler running and pushing out germs, I should be ok. He mentioned going out tomorrow and I said, “Only if you’re up to it. Whatever’s up there might use your cold to slow the move down even more.” But he says he’ll be ok for more park scouting.

This is the first day in a while the cooler has cycled on and off after 10am. We probably won’t have any more triple-digit temps and by the end of the month, we’ll probably have to start closing windows at night. I so did not want to be here at this time, but you know everything takes longer than planned. I just hope we can get out before the next plumbing problem hits! I cringe every time I step in the shower or start a load of laundry.

Last night I had a dream I was in a place that didn’t look anything like this place but that was leaking really bad. So much so that it cut the power and I was unable to turn on the lights. It’s a good thing the dream premonitions seem to be a thing of the past. It’s been about a year or so since I had dream premonitions, but the dream I had about Maliheh’s mother dying in November makes me wonder if it was really my own mother I saw. From the sound of it, though, I don’t think she’ll make it to November. More like next month, October at the latest. We decided to carry on with house hunting as planned since we don’t know how much money she’ll be leaving us or when we’ll receive it. Whatever it is, whenever it is, we’ll greatly appreciate it and be sure to spend it wisely. Probably throw some in savings, too.

I can understand some of the Dutch status updates of Adonis’s on Facebook cuz it’s so similar to German. :)

The spam and scams I’ve been overrun with are definitely connected to Facebook as I had begun to suspect. I got another For Jodi message from another FB friend with a link to some kind of scam or spam. I’ve been unsubscribing like crazy from those that will let me, but so far they’re coming in faster than I can unsubscribe. Marking them as spam doesn’t do me any good and neither did changing PWs. No more signing up for apps if they’re just going to abuse my info like that.

Another strange thing is the instant hit from Israel showing up on my tracker the instant I post to LJ, which I started using just for fun. What the hell’s that all about???

FRIDAY, AUGUST 17, 2012
Got a VM from my sister yesterday and it sounds like mom’s going to pull through after all, which really doesn’t surprise me. She did have a stroke, though, apparently. It affected her left side. Without actually seeing her I can’t say how badly it’s been affected, but I’m guessing that with some physical therapy, she’ll be fine. And when I say “fine” I don’t mean she’ll be able to run a marathon, but she’ll live. One of my grandmothers had a stroke and while the muscles on her right side were weakened, she lived for years afterward.

Her kidneys still aren’t doing too well, but she is responding to antibiotics. Where she’s going to live and what’s going to happen with her condo and store I have yet to find out. I guess it’s going to need to be sold if she’s going to end up in a nursing home. I wonder where the money from the sale of the places will end up if that’s the case.

More online weirdness – every time I post to LJ I get a hit on TIP from Israel. Thank God I’ve got my settings on MO preventing anonymous comments since those fucking spammers from Senegal and Nigeria keep trying to get at me.

Later…

I just got done talking to Tom who also listened to the drama queen’s message. What we’re not sure about is if she’s moving out of the condo altogether or if she’s just having the phone disconnected. And why would she be going up to CT if mom’s still in the hospital? Is someone else (maybe a friend) looking out for her?

I’m still confused and curious as to what’s going on. Where is my mom going to be living? If the condo and store are going to be sold, where will the money from that go? This is where I get a little nervous about her screwing us over. Would she do it if she could? Absolutely. Anyone who can turn on her own sister for threatening her abusive ex is capable of doing pretty much anything. Will God let her do it? Absolutely.

If it says in the will, for example, that everything’s to be liquidated and split between us when they’re both dead, how can that apply to a condo and store that’s already been sold before they were both dead? I just worry she’s going to sell those and pocket the money for herself, though I don’t know how much they owe on things and what mom’s medical expenses are going to come to. The rule is that the state/government will pay for an old person’s final years, but not without taking their money first. This is something we may not be able to do much about, but as Tom pointed out, records are kept on virtually everything. Anyone can order up a copy of pretty much everything and anything they have doubts about or are just plain curious about – wills, police reports (I loved rubbing that one in her face), birth certificates, death certificates, and so, so much more. Hell, I was even able to look up the lawnmower mom and dad rented from Sears back on Birchwood Ave. The truck we used to have was broken into when we first got to Cali and were staying in motels and Tom’s birth certificate was stolen. He was able to order a copy online.

So we’ll know it if she does screw us out of anything that may be in the will, and Tom says we could fight back, too. I hope so, cuz again, God’s the last one that’s going to look out for us. He usually doesn’t sic anyone on us if He knows we can fight back, though. Only we can protect ourselves against this ruthless bitch. But maybe not. I still have a feeling the money’s going to run out before mom dies or God’s gonna pave the way for Tammy to screw us and make sure that somehow, someway, we can’t fight back. Kill me, rape me, beat me, rob me, and you’ve got automatic protection from God.

I just wish it had been Mom’s time to go before we moved. I don’t like her having any sensitive info like numbers and addresses. People can’t let go of people easily and they can’t handle rejection at all. Whether I cut her off coldly or silently walked away, she’s going to turn on me for it sooner or later. I’d love to get a copy of the police report she swears was all Bill’s doing and see her deny having anything to do with it then. But I know the truth. I know she helped him sic the pigs on me not just by the letter she sent Tom defending the bastard and threatening charges, but by the way the cop (before discovering the default warrant no one knew was even out on me on account of the welfare bums) mentioned BOTH their names. Still, to drop hints about that and using the pervert as an excuse to point out how we can find out and fight back if we get screwed out of something that Mom and Dad may’ve willed to us, was loads of fun. Usually, I prefer the direct approach, but in this case, I felt it better to just imply this and that.

I’ve always wondered if she only insisted on buddying up to me either out of guilt for what she did with Bill (she knows right from wrong, and she knows that she was involved even though she’ll never admit it, much less apologize) or because she knows she’s going to try to screw me out of whatever. She had to have hit me with that story about Mom and Dad telling her not to give Larry anything and to give me what she wants for a reason, right?

I’m just sick of God protecting my perps! That really bothers me. I’m sick of people not only screwing me for no reason and without any provocation but also getting away with the SAME things I get in trouble for. Like Jenny, for example. Ok, so the case was thrown out in the end, but how the hell come she could prank call me and not be dragged through the stress and hassles of having to play court while I did have to go through all this for my calls to her? Ugh, that makes me so mad!

I suppose I shouldn’t worry about my sister until and if she actually does anything, but she already has before, and I know my sister. I know what she’s capable of. She’d kill her own kids to get something she wanted or to spite someone else. She’s all 3 v’s – vicious, vengeful and vindictive.

Although I took note of her numbers (I don’t want to call the house and get Mark or her brood) I’ve chosen to leave a message for her to pick up on Facebook instead when she gets home due to the shitty connection on both the computer and the cell, and cuz she said she’d be home soon anyway.

Moving on from my evil sister, the whole thing is kind of sad when you think about it. No, I don’t love my mother. Yes, she was an abusive bitch. But if the store and condo must be sold and she must live in a nursing home, this is pretty much the beginning of the end. How horrible it must be to watch your life die away and get sold off, then face the beginning of the end. Being in a nursing home is basically like being on death row. Welcome to death row, mom. I hope they’re a lot nicer to you there than they were to me in any of the foster homes, funny farms and private “schools” you both, directly and indirectly, had me sent to. The difference is I got out of those places. You won’t be getting out of wherever you’re going. Remember that when you remember (or have you forgotten?) the time you smacked the back of my hand for goofing off on the piano you wanted me to learn while I wanted to learn the guitar. That incident was nothing in comparison to many others.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 16, 2012
No word about Mom, so I’m guessing she’ll pull through. I figured as much the more I thought about it. If they didn’t think they could help her, why would they bother running tests like the MRI scan? She’s just not going to be able to live alone anymore as out of it as she is, calling for dad as if he’s still alive, and doing and saying all kinds of other weird stuff. Under different circumstances, the beer thing would’ve been kind of funny.

I had a dream I was watching a group of people gathered around someone lying on the ground. I don’t know who it was or what was wrong, but an ambulance pulled up and the paramedics ran to them.

I also dreamed that Maliheh told me she was from Germany and spoke German, LOL. She said she just didn’t bother to tell many people that.

Then I was hanging out somewhere and she entered the area, looked around as if she were looking for someone, and then she spotted me. The instant she did she said, “Oh, hey, you can sing. I need someone to back me up tonight, so come on!” She grabbed me by the wrist and led me to the stage. I didn’t mind backing her up. But then I became nervous as hell as it hit me that I had no idea what the hell song(s) I was supposed to be backing her up on.

When Tom told me what the savings was up to I nearly fainted. Wow, us?! God’s little bums? His little poor-assed whipping boys? I guess He’ll have to pick on us some other way now, like maybe see to it that we never get out of here. Yeah, it’s kind of hard to contact anyone when you’re working 10-hour shifts and you’re the one that has to qualify to live there cuz you’re the one who’s 55.

“Everything is still going as planned,” Tom said. “We knew it’d be a couple of months once I turned 55.”

But it’s already been a couple of months and all we’ve done is narrow down what parks we want to live in. That’s better than nothing, but why is it I feel we’re nowhere near getting out of here? It’s already mid-August. There’s no way we’re getting out by October. That means that when the barking escalates and the outside projects start up again, guess who’s going to have to deal with it?

And why is it so damn hard to regulate the temp in here? Is it Tom not doing a good job of what he sets the thermostat to and when? Me being too sensitive and getting too chilly or too hot too easily? Or is it just part of living in a dumpy old trailer with thin, flimsy walls and no attic? Even though it’s more expensive, a part of me misses having an AC. Coolers bring in fresh air, but ACs are easier to control. Really hope the next place has an AC cuz cemetery-quiet or not, I really don’t want to have to sleep with my window open when I’m on nights with people just a few feet away.

Although it isn’t by much, this is the first time in days we’ll be under triple-digit temps. By the end of the week, we should be down to 82°. I hate it when it gets under 60° at night though, cuz then I either have to shut the window and go to bed hot, or leave it open and wake up chilly, depending on what my schedule is. I’m really, REALLY getting sick of living like this! Trailer life with old coolers and no attic to vent them through is rough when you can’t keep a damn schedule.

In reading back through old journal entries, I see I’ve struggled with this sleep disorder all along. I’ve had sleep problems all my life and that’s nothing new. What sucks is how it worsens with time as if it wasn’t already bad enough, and again I have to wonder how the hell God can hate a person so much that He would inflict this upon anyone. What did I do that was so bad to make me deserve this? Wasn’t having an abusive mother enough? What about being born with one ear which only looks more noticeable and more ridiculous with age? What about making me mostly attracted to a gender that isn’t the least bit attracted to me in return unless they’re almost what equates to men with pussies, or in Buttfuck, Europe? Hell, I could go on and on with all He’s taken from me or inflicted upon me! The poverty, the 20-year bad neighbor curse… Foster homes, funny farms, being set up and thrown in jail…

If it weren’t for Nane I’d shut down on Facebook for sure! We have each other’s email addresses, but it’s still nice to see the updates, photos and links we post. The other day I got an email supposedly from Lori with one of those get-rich-quick scams. It said “for Jodi” in the subject line. I told her on FB thanks, but please don’t send me those anymore since those are always scams. Then today she sends me a dead link with no subject. Lori doesn’t strike me as the type to spam people and I began to suspect there was a connection between that, other spam, and Tom getting sent a lot of junk added to what I actually did send. Sure enough, when I asked Lori about it she said that wasn’t her email addy. So yeah, it’s connected to the apps I signed up for. It’s gotta be. The only problem is that I’ll have to allow for a lot of apps if I return to sweeping when we move, and you can’t always tell if they’re legit. How is anyone to know who’s going to use and abuse our info which they then have access to once we sign up? I can understand the spam, but how or why would they add wall chats to my messages to Tom? Andy said he never received any such thing, but he’s also not a Facebook friend either, Tom is.

I did have to giggle to myself, though, at the thought of Tom thinking I was sending him all this stuff till I told him I wasn’t and we saw that it wasn’t visible in my message to him when we checked my ‘sent’ folder. I’m weird, I’m a complainer, I bitch about everything and anyone, I have a strange sense of humor, I want to make owning loud car stereos and dogs illegal, I want every fucking foreigner that isn’t here on just a visit sent home. But I don’t attach conversations from a year ago to emails to my husband, especially without a specific reason and an explanation as to why I was doing it.

Anyway, I got caught up on my sleep but I don’t feel very refreshed. I kept waking up either too cold or too hot. I first crashed at 10:30 this morning and awoke at 2:30 to find I was too hot. Too tired to pull out the stepladder and crank the cooler up to high, I just turned the fan on high instead. An hour or less later I fell back asleep till 10:30 at night.

Speaking of complaining, what the hell does my stomach think it is, a shit-processing plant? I think I gotta back off the protein a bit, though not entirely. It’s making me too regular!

Later…

“Jack Farmer” signed up on Ask and only answered a few questions that seemed to be generated by the site except for one that said “wellll” which they answered with a question mark. They have no photo, bio or any other information.

Then “Jack” “liked” one of my answers not too long ago, though I don’t remember which one. I checked them out and right away I sensed “Jack” could be Molly or Kim, but probably Kim. Molly isn’t really into aliases. I also based my opinion on the types of questions and answers.

“Quit pestering people,” I anonymously said in a question to them as a test. I would think that most innocent people would respond with a question mark, a “What are you talking about?” or just ignore it. “I’m not pestering people,” is what I got instead. Classic troll response. The “question” also happened to be answered when I got a couple of questions of my own that I suspected might be from Kim. Questions like what I email VivFox about and did I do it? and where’s Lady Diana are all the kinds of things she would ask.

It isn’t that I’m bothered by what these trolls ask, it’s that I’m bothered by being contacted by people I’ve asked a million times to leave me alone. I just don’t understand why they can’t respect my wishes. There are plenty of other people to befriend online. If the loss of my friendship bothers them that much, then they should’ve thought about that before doing what they did to lose me. Except for a few people, I usually don’t regret dumping those I’ve dumped while I have ended up regretting those I’ve forgiven (because they ended up doing the same shit all over again).

I’m just sick of people inserting themselves into my life that know I don’t want anything to do with them, even when they try their best not to give their identity away. We can’t make people like us. What is the point? Why do they do this? If I answer one of their anonymous questions that in their minds seems legit and anonymous, does it make them feel like we’re buddies or something? I just don’t get it. But clearly, they didn’t want me to know who they were. However, they’re too stupid not to be at least somewhat obvious. So from now on, even if I remotely suspect something came from them, I refuse to answer it. I can’t make others do the same, but if Andy’s right about 6 months to a year of ignoring trolls making them go away, then he might want to do the same too, with anything he suspects may be from them because if they can’t communicate through me, they’ll do it through him if he lets them.

sighs Betcha these trolls wouldn’t give me the time of day or much of it if they suddenly turned gorgeous.

Intelligent questions that are sent anonymously like if I have or want a flower garden probably aren’t from the trolls and therefore I’ll answer those.

Funny how I can status about trivial stuff like the weather and get all kinds of comments. But as soon as I mention the fact that my mother may be dying, no one seems to give a shit. What’s wrong with people???

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 15, 2012
Yesterday I tried calling my mom several times over the course of about 7 hours. Thinking it odd that she never left a message when she tried calling the day before, coupled with the lack of activity on my sister’s Facebook page, I started to suspect something was up. The more I thought about it, the more convinced I was that it wasn’t Mom who tried to call me.

Mid-afternoon my time someone finally answered and it wasn’t Mom. It was Tammy. So much for thinking my mom was healthy for an 80-year-old because she’s been in the hospital since Saturday and might not make it. The connection wasn’t good, and like most of us tend to do when we’re upset, Tammy rambled pretty fast and I wasn’t able to make out every word she said. Apparently, though, Mom had a urinary tract infection. So they gave her antibiotics and it went away. But then it kept coming back and nothing was helping it. She’s been barely coherent and it took some time for her to respond to the antibiotics given to her in the hospital. At her age, the immune system is weak so it’s unknown at this time if she’ll pull through. Tammy also said something about kidney dialysis (I guess the reoccurring UT infections damaged a kidney), pneumonia and an MRI that they’re going to do. Something about her left side being bad too, but I’m not sure if she meant her brain or her body. I think something may be wrong with her brain, but again, it’s too soon to know anything for sure.

Just the fact that Tammy rented a condo down there and is trying to decide what to do with Mom’s dog pretty much tells me that if she does pull through, she at least won’t be able to live on her own anymore. Tammy doesn’t want to bring the dog, which she’s grown close to, to the pound, but she has her own dog already, so she’s not sure what to do.

Senility is setting in big time, too. I noticed she was a little slow in her thinking when we reunited by phone after a decade back in 2007. But she’s getting an awful lot like her own mother was in the end, calling out for dad, not eating or drinking, saying and doing strange things, etc. She demanded Tammy go get her a club sandwich at one point but only took a bite of it when she gave it to her. Then they were out somewhere and she suddenly demanded a beer. “Since when does the woman drink beer?” I asked Tammy, and I guess she was wondering that, too. She has wine occasionally, but the woman’s never been into beer as far as I know. But I guess she’ll ask for something, weird or not, and then not be at all interested in it once it’s given to her.

What’s my gut tell me? I don’t know. I just don’t know. The hospital could very well patch her up and she could live a few more years, although not unassisted. That’s not the impression I get, though, based on what Tammy said and the fact that she called me about it wanting my “approval” to place her in a nursing home if she does end up with needs that can’t be met in her home or anyone else’s. I told her to do what she thought was best. She hasn’t called the “weed-smoking bastard brother” yet, she told me.

Anyway, she’s going to call over the next few days with an update as she has no internet access at all right now. We lost our father on February 24th, so she’s been away from her husband and down in Florida for the better part of 5 months and it’s taking its toll on her, understandably. I couldn’t help but remind her that I know what it’s like as I was away from my own husband for 6 months. You know, partly thanks to her.

I offered to fly there, but she said I didn’t need to. Nothing I could do anyway when you think about it. I can’t make Mom young again. I can’t be her doctor or nurse. I can’t drive her around. But despite my past problems with my sister, I can see where it’s gotta be rough on her. We might be completely parentless all within half a year’s time.

We both agree we have mixed emotions about the whole thing. I’m shocked and not shocked. I thought she had a few years left in her and maybe she does, but her own parents died just 6 months apart as well. It’s actually common for long-term couples that are close. I think that if Dad’s spirit is out there somewhere, he misses her and is “claiming” her, so to speak. I also think she doesn’t want to live without him and has been just totally miserable. Severe depression is a great way to ruin your health. I’ve been there before, though I’ve never been 80 years old either, so it hasn’t affected me the way it’s affected her.

It’s an emotional tug of war. She was a negative, bossy, domineering bitch that was hard to please. Sometimes she crossed the line and became downright cruel and abusive. A part of me feels guilty because another part of me wished she would just “move on” so that her misery would end and I could finally close the door completely on the past.

She smoked from her late teens until about 6 years ago and developed lung cancer. They removed 40% of one lung. She also had breast cancer. So she’s been tough enough to survive quite a bit. Maybe she’ll beat this, too.

Aly’s either incredibly psychic or she read my exchange with Andy on Ask because she asked me in an email if everything was ok. She said she had a bad feeling come on earlier.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 14, 2012
The more I try to figure out computers, the more they baffle, frustrate, and totally piss the shit out of me.

I downloaded some funny pics from Facebook. Then uploaded and attached them to an email for Tom. He then asked why I keep sending snippets of conversations from my Facebook wall. But I haven’t been sending any such thing. I checked my message to him in my ‘sent’ folder and all I saw was what I sent him. He showed me the message in his inbox and sure enough, there were graphics and conversations I did NOT send. I asked how often this has happened and he said a lot but he didn’t say anything before because he thought it was just me being weird. But when have I ever been weird enough to send him a discussion about the troll from a year ago??? We live together. I tell him this shit.

I have no idea how the hell this happened but it’s got me worried about who else may’ve gotten things I didn’t intend to send them. I asked a few friends to let me know, though I think they would’ve said something. No more downloading from Facebook. Oddly enough, though, Tom’s email also included some pics I never got from Facebook. The more I try to figure out what the hell is going on, the more confused I get.

I don’t know if the recent apps I started using on Facebook are connected to that or to the surge of spam I’ve been getting, but I deleted those apps anyway.

It just hit me that he may’ve been sent a collection of funny posts on my timeline that I actually did send him one at a time over the course of time since he rarely uses his own Facebook account, and for some reason, he got a bunch of them sent to him along with pics I also remember sending. So it may not have to do with just Facebook. I just can’t figure this one out. Kind of makes me afraid to send emails with graphics, though, since now I know I can never know what else may be sent along with it. :(

Ended up napping for a few hours, so that will make it easier to meet with park people and maybe see some homes this weekend, but I will make sure I’m available for that no matter how much sleep I’ve had… or haven’t had.

Tried calling Mom twice this morning but got no answer. I’ll try in the afternoon instead. Because our connection is so fucking slow I had to use the cell.

MONDAY, AUGUST 13, 2012
They didn’t have those raspberry ketones at either Walmart or Raley’s but they have them on Amazon. I read some of the reviews and they vary widely. Some say it doesn’t do anything for them as far as appetite and weight loss go, some say it makes them feel ill or their heart race (there’s caffeine in it), while most say it’s wonderful. I guess it varies from person to person. This will be my last-ditch effort to try to stop myself from gaining what may be an average of two pounds a week because I just can’t do the 1000-calorie-a-day thing day after day after day. So we ordered a bottle of 60 pills (not the drink mix) for $6 and change.

Our connection is closer to dial-up slow than satellite slow, so Tom’s going to tell our provider to downgrade us to the slowest and cheapest connection since that’s what we’re getting anyway. Might as well pay for what we get, right? Then again, they’re not even worth their slowest speed that’s how shitty their service is, but if all goes well, we’ll be meeting with the park realtors next weekend. I’m amazed at just how many parks there are in the area we’re going to.

Here goes the daily spamfest. Still can’t figure out what I’m doing to draw these intermittent spurts of spam or how people are getting my email address. Is it the Facebook apps I sometimes sign up for?

“Stop whining.” That was today’s “question” from one of my trolls. It’s really sad and it pisses me off that these people just won’t leave me the fuck alone no matter how much I ignore them. Had I known for a minute that Kim was another Molly I wouldn’t have given her the time of day. Does Aly have any sane people in her life besides Dustin and I? Her family’s mean to her and the rest of her friends are crazy. So now I’m going to have these two trolls following me and pestering me for the rest of my life whether I acknowledge them or ignore them. Nothing I do works. I haven’t said a word to these people lately. I thought ignoring trolls was supposed to cause them to get bored with you. In the past, I have thought of so many different things to say to scare them off or get them sick of me, but they simply will not let go. They’re as obsessed with me as Nervous was years ago. I realize that as unlikely as it is, it may not be Kim or Molly at all, though “stop whining” does seem like something Molly or her mother would say. But maybe Aly’s been just as crazy all along. Maybe she’s two-facing me worse than Kim ever did. Maybe it’s someone I consider a friend. Maybe it’s an acquaintance. Maybe it’s a stranger that’s been lurking behind the scenes. Like I said, though, it’s unlikely that it’s not connected to Kim or Molly.

I started to run and disable anonymous comments, but then I refused, deciding that I wouldn’t let them win or control me. But I know them. I know not to think that telling them I want more questions from them would get them to stop out of determination not to give me what I supposedly want. Nothing I say or do or don’t say or do will ever make them go away! If I told them to go away, they wouldn’t. If I told them to contact me some more, they probably wouldn’t contact me anymore, but they still wouldn’t go away either.

sighs Why me??? IDK, it may piss them off more than it would me if I did deny them a way to question me anonymously, but I don’t know that. For all I know disabling anonymous comments may give them a good laugh while taking some of the fun away for me, so I’m going to leave things as they are for now.

When I saw their “question” my first thought was that they read my blog where I was bitching about our connection. But then I realized they could be saying that in response to my interactions with Andy for all I know. I still believe that Molly and Kim both read my journal every day, but are dodging my tracker. However, someone has been following both Andy and I closely. I can tell by the questions we’ve been getting, though we agreed to only answer those that aren’t obviously from the stalking trolls.

One thing that’s funny, though, is that I started to answer the question, then quickly deleted it. So if they have an account it will tell them that Lady Rainbow answered their question that they just can’t find because even if you ask a question anonymously, you still get notified that your question was answered if you have an account there. I probably shouldn’t have done that, but that’s the last time I’ll do it.

I also love how if you’re a last.fm member (my favorite online radio) you can click ‘detect’ on LJ when you go to post an entry and it fills in the song you’re currently listening to. It won’t play it when you open the entry, though; just provide you with a link to last.fm.

You can also choose moods for posts, and control the individual security settings. It always detects a different town within my area because our IP# changes so often. Right now it thinks I’m in Penryn. Earlier I was in North Highlands. Rarely am I in Auburn.

Although some people are aware of this blog, I’m not going to mention it to anyone since it’s just for fun. Plus I want to allow anonymous comments (though it will log their IP#) without the trolls butting in. I wonder if disabling cookies would beat LJ’s tracker, too?

Later…

Andy says to give it 6 months to a year and that if I ignore the trolls for that long, they’ll go away. I still doubt it, but we’ll see.

Aly thinks it’s likely to be Molly over Kim and so do I. Aly said Kim did open up to her more about what she does and how her hours vary depending on if there’s work to actually do. Also, her family supposedly convinced her that she’s to blame for me writing about her and that admitting she’s had “sources” check up on me is admitting to stalking g me. So they convinced her to stay away from my sites if they wanted me to stop mentioning her. That’s what I tried to tell her myself but she just didn’t get it. Meanwhile, I’ll hide any mention of her from public viewing, ignore Molly on Ask, and see if that eventually works.

Aly said she’s having less to do with Kim and realizes she’s happier without her in her life. Yeah, I knew she’d eventually see the light. But as I told her, better to just silently fade away than to confront and dump her like I did. As I learned the hard way, confronting and dumping brings the rage out in her and causes her to stalk and lash out like she has.

I mentioned Kim to Kathy and she was surprised. But as Kathy said, it goes to show that sometimes it’s those you least expect who go crazy on you. Well, I knew Kim was out of it but I sure didn’t expect her to turn into Molly. Even Aly admits that while it always fell apart no matter how many chances she gave her, a part of her misses what she had with Molly because, as I said, Molly was always just Molly and she at least cared. She may be just as bad of a liar as Kim is as well as delusional, but you can’t trust a goddamn word Kim says. Everything is a lie with her. Just one big fantasy and delusion. That’s part of why I dumped her. It wasn’t just the two-facing bit, but seeing her tell someone on Ask she was a tall blond who wanted to learn Spanish after she told me she was a short brunette who knew Spanish and French really got old because I just didn’t know what to believe anymore. Similar discrepancies like this were happening all too often. Life is too short to bother with those I can’t trust or who only bring me down. You can’t change people. All you can do is decide who’s worth putting up with and who’s not. I’m like some of my friends in that I have trust issues. I have a hard time believing a lot of what is told to me. An occasional white lie or softening of the truth, as some people refer to it as being, I can deal with. Not tons of blatant, obvious lies.

Mom tried to call yesterday from what I could see but didn’t leave a message. I’ll call her later on.

Lost the two pounds I gained, though it was definitely water. I got that Chinese oolong tea again and drank two cups yesterday. Even the soreness from the fluid build-up in my boobies is better. Without this stuff, I’d be in for a looong PMS this month.

The net is still running slower than slow, but Tom was too tired to deal with the assholes at AT&T once he got home from what’s been over 100° weather. Doesn’t look like we’ll be cooling down anytime soon, but I love it! Not looking forward to the fall at all even though the fall isn’t till late November or early December in these parts.

I told Tom I can call AT&T myself but he said no thanks cuz he wants some service instead of no service. In other words, he doesn’t trust me not to go off on them, LOL. Well, they certainly would deserve it. This is ridiculous. Just absolutely ridiculous. I can’t play the radio, stream videos; nothing. Just going from site to site can take forever, and that’s only when we’re connected in the first place, so I’m not spending much time online at all. I just post my journal and check messages once or twice a day.

He called the park he liked best that’s close to work but they said he had to talk to some manager, so he’s going to call back. Plus this woman selling her home in another park that claims her place is 65 x 30. Ok, I’ll buy old Harriet’s claim of 65’ long, but knowing the various widths of most modulars, 30’ wide seems a bit overkill. Maybe it really is a large triple-wide like that Skyline I liked going for 10K. She’s selling hers for 5K, so it’s got to be a total dump inside. We’ll hopefully find out soon and go from phone calls to actual visits! I’m getting really excited the more real this gets. The day we “go home” is going to be pretty damn emotional for me, especially since we almost went out in body bags a few times.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 12, 2012
So I’m chatting with Maliheh all the while the fucking connection is cutting in and out. I worried at first that she got offended by my asking her to share her personal experiences with attracting women. She said she wasn’t looking to draw the attention of anyone. I know that, I told her, but wondered if she had a hard time picking up women like I did when she was younger and dating and all that. Then she went silent. She usually signs off with “over and out.” At first I worried I made her uncomfortable, but I’m sure she thought I just wasn’t going to be able to get back online that night and that she would’ve either just not answered the question or told me if it upset her in any way, so I’m not worried about it. She knows we have a shitty connection. It took me damn near an hour just to reply to her, and some previous replies bounced back. That was stupid of me to try to initiate a chat after she sent me some cute cat pics as shitty as our connection is. We should wait till we have a better connection.

Anyway, I guess they’ve been treating her mother like a queen since they were careless with her and broke her leg. She’s going to visit her in a few weeks and says it will be nice to visit without having to spend half the time bitching out the staff where she’s living.

She taught me something really cool. I thought she was viewing my blog but she insisted it wasn’t her. But I knew that was her information showing up on my tracker. That’s when I realized that when I copy/paste from my blog, the tracking code is embedded in the email. So it’s logging her as a visitor when she opens the email. Way cool! I’m going to start copying and pasting from my blog into Andy’s emails too, and not from Word.

Maliheh says she isn’t going to any of my sites. Do I believe her? IDK, but I think she’s probably being honest about that if I had to guess.

Kim or Molly is back to pestering me on Ask. I had an ocean scene with a wave crashing onto the shore in the background at the time. They asked if that was the wave that would sweep all the losers away. I just deleted it. Andy still thinks that ignoring them will cause them to get bored with me and eventually go away, but as I’ve learned, people just don’t seem to know how to let go very easily. They just won’t always let you ignore them. But maybe, just maybe, if I give it enough time they’ll go away.

Then again, maybe it’s not them at all. Maybe some of the “questions” have absolutely nothing to do with them and I’m just jumping the gun and making false assumptions. I doubt it, though. Like I said, I’m going to just ignore them and not pull any pranks of my own. If I do Aly would only hear about it, then she would ask me if I was behind it. Well, as she unknowingly taught me, I’d have to lie to her and say that no, I wasn’t, because she’d only tell Kim and I don’t want that. It still pisses me off to think of all the things I thought I was sharing with her in secrecy that she shared with Kim. That really bothers me.

Maybe I need to bring back some of the old me. The person who wasn’t very forgiving, tolerant, and eager to please. Maybe I do too much for others and need to think of myself a little more. Maybe I need to go back to being hard to get as a friend but easy to lose. Less trouble that way, right?

The plan is still on to sever all ties with my sister when mom dies, even though I know I can expect some harassment from her and her brood for it. Not sure if I’m going to take the time to give her an explanation or if I’m simply going to disappear. First of all, I don’t owe her any explanations. Second of all, she’s not going to get it or even want to hear it anyway. I will, however, discuss it in my blog. But I will do so without being vengeful. Meaning that I won’t post her full name or any other info that personally identifies her. Being less eager to please and less of a softie doesn’t mean I need to go back to being a vengeful bitch cuz then I’m stooping as low as the assholes that piss me off in the first place.

But what to do with journal entries that may piss her off in the meantime? Well, I’m pretty sure she’s not reading my MD journal where I’ve slowly been posting entries from the ’80s on up. But sooner or later she might, and if it’s sooner, mom will have to hear all about it and then I’ll have to deal with even more shit. I really don’t want to make any family waves till Mom’s gone and I find out for sure that I’m not getting anything. After she’s gone and all that and after I let Tammy go, then I’ll post entries pertaining to her that she would perceive as negative.

Tom’s going to check out 4 promising parks tomorrow. I’ll be sleeping most of the day, but he’s going to film things with the old Flipcam. Tomorrow we should have a much better idea of where we’re going and when.

I’m so excited about owning our own home again! To be able to pick out colors and decorations and decide what we want to change, upgrade and remodel is going to be loads of fun. I still would’ve preferred to move into an on-site house on a concrete foundation that was already tailored to my tastes, but this will be way better than remaining cramped in with the Jes pest and his mutts.

I’m still a little nervous, though, too. We’re going into a whole new experience and place. It’s been over 4 years now since we’ve lived in any civilized areas, though there’s nothing “civil” about the Jes pest’s mutts and motors. Barking may not be the issue it is in the mainstream where we’re going, but cars pulling in and out all day might be. I’m not going to be any less of a light sleeper there than I am here, so my biggest concern right now is people jolting me awake by slamming car doors. The vibration can sometimes override the sound machine. Hopefully, it won’t be a big deal. I did survive many months of motel life, though it wasn’t without its share of lost or interrupted sleep.

Today would’ve been my parents’ 63rd anniversary. Kind of a sad thought. I’m sure it will be a rough day for Mom.

I’m up two whole pounds today from yesterday. That’s a big jump even for me. I probably didn’t lose any weight in my sleep last time around and I sometimes don’t. I’m still not going to drive myself crazy with diets. I eat when I’m hungry and that’s that.

Later…

First we had to pick out what park we wanted to be in before we picked out the home. So Tom scouted out a few different parks. One had a locked gate he couldn’t even get into. That would be the one with the triple-wide I like.

The one with the single-wide that the park was selling for just a grand was too cramped.

Another looked potentially noisy as he saw park people out and about with blowers and a motorcycle parked by one of the places. I’m surprised they would even allow motorcycles in adult communities! Isn’t the whole purpose to escape loud and consistent sounds? Anyway, after being annoyed enough with living next to one for 4 years that’s 200’ away, I can’t imagine one just 2’ away!

I had assumed all the parks would be like most of the hotels and apartment complexes where someone would always be out mowing and blowing, but there’s actually nothing to mow or blow in most parks. Most parks just have gravel, plus whatever plants people choose to plant around their homes.

I want pink rosebushes!

Then he checked out a park that appeared gorgeous by satellite and it was indeed a beautiful park.

Lastly, he checked out the Stonegate Park and this one looks like our best bet as it’s a nice park. Not so cramped and only 6 miles from where he works instead of 18. They also do their own financing there at the park. We’re not sure how many they own, but they do have quite a few for sale.

I just want to find the right place and get the ball rolling! Can’t wait to give Jesse the bad news too, LOL. Tom’s gonna call this park tomorrow to line up a time for us both to actually meet with them and to actually look inside some of these places and not just pictures online.

I’m so sick of being cramped in here and with a connection that’s slower than a snail when there’s any connection at all to begin with! It’s been horrible. Still looks like we’ll be gone by October, though. That’s a great time to go, too. The weather doesn’t usually cool down till late November or early December, but October is still certainly cooler than August. As soon as it starts dipping under the 80s, out comes the Jes pest to build motors, hammer away at mufflers, saw trees for firewood, and a million other things. The dogs bark more then, too.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 11, 2012
Oh really? I didn’t know that. But according to what I just read, if your hips aren’t wider than your shoulders, then you’re not considered pear-shaped. Hmm… I thought I was at least a little pearish, but I guess I’m still mostly an hourglass.

Saw a picture of Nane’s bedroom after the makeover. I was surprised it was done in shades of gold and deep red since blue is her favorite color, but it was still gorgeous. I’m not impressed with the headboard, but overall it looks fancy, elegant, and very pricey. Must’ve cost a fortune!

As I told her, it’s great to see people enjoy the money they work so hard for and to get what they deserve in life, but it also saddens, embarrasses, but mostly angers me to know that my husband and I were just as deserving yet had to live like a pair of lazy bums in a trashy old trailer for so long. Just to once again have a simple luxury like a dryer, something so many people take for granted will be heaven! For years we were poor and I just accepted it and figured that right or wrong, unfair or not, that’s just the way it was meant to be. I even got used to it and was ok with it so long as we could afford the necessities. But I won’t accept that ever again. I don’t expect to get rich and we don’t need to have 20K in savings, but I will never let society, circumstances or our own stupidity reduce us to such poverty again! Not even God or an evil devil is going to bring us down this time around!

Rich or poor, sometimes I miss my old libido. I miss the old me, period. Not the naïve, vindictive, dumb little mind I used to have, but I miss the body. The body that didn’t gain weight just thinking of food. The one that could see near and far without glasses. The one whose skin and lips didn’t need lotion and lip balm. The one whose hair didn’t need to be dyed. The one who wanted sex more often even if she couldn’t always have it with those she was overly attracted to or very often. The closest I came was with Kacey and Ann Marie. Well, maybe Julia too, but those I’ve had the most attraction for are usually straight, out of reach, or just not interested.

It’s been suggested to me that while I may love my husband but have lost the lust like most long-term couples do, I should consider an affair. After all, would cheating really be “cheating” if you’re little more than damn good married friends? I don’t know if Tom would approve of the idea. I think he would choose celibacy over an affair and that’s ok because he has to do what he has to do. I would never push him to do anything he wasn’t comfortable doing. But I also know that I have to consider myself as well. I’ve decided to just keep an open mind rather than lock myself into this or that. At this age, I could go forever without sex if I had to, but I also realize that forever is a long time. So while I doubt I’ll ever actively seek out a fuck buddy, I won’t rule it out either. If I accidentally meet one who isn’t in Germany, I’ll keep an open mind. But I know that if I actually tried to meet someone, as easier as it is to meet people these days than it was 20 years ago, I’m likely to get met with the same damn rejection because I don’t have the looks most lesbians want. I could get a nutjob, an ugly dog or someone plain, but if I wanted to have sex with someone I didn’t lust for, I could just get it on with Tom. He’d do me if I asked him to whether he was in the mood or not. But I definitely would rather just stay celibate before I got intimate with anyone I wasn’t attracted to. I’ve been down that road before and it wasn’t fun at all. But we don’t usually find people or things when we’re looking for them. They always seem to come at us when we least expect it. I found the tape measurer the other day by accident that I couldn’t find when I was looking for it.

For years I have felt like something up there has not wanted me to get it on with someone I was attracted to. Not just kind of attracted to, but really attracted to. Attractive enough to land a lead role in one of my stories (yes, I know that sounds funny). It’s like it sees it as some kind of evil sin for me or it’s denied it to me as some form of punishment for God knows what.

The only women I’ve ever had a crush on that was mutual were Nane, Teddy Bear and Jane. Just 3 lousy women in my entire life! Kind of sad, huh? And one’s in Germany, while another was out of reach, and the other was a druggie who moved. Even the few mutual attractions I’ve had with some guys were out of the question, and hell, I’d have fun with a guy that looked like the Chris Noth of 1990 same as I would with Nane, though I would still prefer it to be a woman if I were going to have an “affair,” and I wouldn’t want it every day. Not even every week. Once or twice a month would be ok, but that would only be if I could get myself in the damn mood to begin with. You know, the aging libido thing again. I think actually being around a woman in person who was attracted to me back may help with that, but maybe I should check into some of those enhancers they’ve got out there. They wouldn’t be out there if some people didn’t need them, would they be? Tom always had a low drive, though, even in his 30s. I got brave enough to ask my doctor about it one day back in Phoenix and she said some guys were just like that and she assured me that what was normal for some wasn’t normal for all. I just didn’t know if anything was wrong with him or what, but apparently not, from what I’ve learned. We’re all taught that all guys want sex every other minute, and I was still kind of young and inexperienced at the time, so I didn’t know what to think at first.

Still, three women. Just three lousy women. It pisses me off more than it saddens me because it makes me feel so damn ugly. I know logically speaking that I’m not that bad. I’ve seen older, uglier and fatter. But now I have two more things against me than I did 20 years ago. 20 years ago I was short, feminine, curvy and with long thick curls. Today I still have most of these traits only I’m older and fatter. So now I would really be in for a whole boatload of rejection.

Now, let’s say by some miracle I met someone I was hot for who was hot for me back that actually lived near me. Could she accept the fact that it could only be for fun and that I had absolutely no intentions whatsoever of leaving my husband? Would I feel comfortable with it, or would I feel like a cheater despite the fact that neither of us has had dirty thoughts about the other in ages? And what if we were busy, tired or not in the mood when the other one was? I suppose I shouldn’t think too much about these sorts of things and just let the future take care of itself. It’s gonna play itself out the way it was meant to be played out anyway.

I don’t know what it’s like today, but back when I was young most people preferred sex over relationships. I hope that if I do meet anyone that’s all she’ll want. It’s just that people tend to either hate me or love me. I know that sounds funny as hell, but it’s true. So rarely does anyone just like me. They either hate me cuz they think I’m too mean or too crazy or too weird, or they just seem to fall right in love with my whacky personality and uniqueness (the way I can’t do what most people can and can do what most people can’t).

All lust eventually fades whether or not the love does, too. I was once attracted to my husband in that way. But after a year or two, that seems to fizzle out no matter who it is. Male, female…it all seems to fade with time like the excitement of a new song played too many times over. I know this is normal and that it happens to everyone. Had I actually been with these women I could count on less than one hand that were attracted to me in return, that too, would’ve eventually lost its luster. Like fireworks in the night. What goes up eventually falls back down. Plop!

But I don’t want to go out there and look for what I can’t find. Maybe it will find me at the pool or spa of the park we move to. That reminds me… I’m so excited! jumps for joy We’re getting real, real close but I don’t want to get into it till we find out more. This weekend we’ll be making some calls, checking out parks (now that we know where the hell we’re going) and doing more online research. Citrus Heights is looking the most promising the more we scout out their parks. I can’t help but remember the orange trees I saw in my dreams. Orange trees. Citrus Heights. But what about blue, tan and a 3-digit street number? Guess we’ll just have to wait and see. Most of the numbers we’ve seen so far are 4-5 digits.

A Facebook reminder just came in. My sister’s birthday is coming up. Oh, drop dead bitch, will you?

I had to laugh my ass off over the thought of what I might say to a person if I were single and looking for a relationship. That would be some speech, alright! I can just see it. “Well, I can’t keep a schedule, can’t drive, can’t work outside of the house worth shit, but don’t worry. I can read and understand 50% or more of Spanish, Portuguese, Italian, German and Esperanto, and even a little bit of French. I can even sign – I don’t mean just the middle finger – and I can really spin some tall tales and even sing a little, too! So sit back, relax, screw my curviness (no pun intended), ignore my shortness and long, thick curls and let me dazzle you with my doll collection!”

Marie! I forgot about her. Ok, so make that 4 mutual crushes. But 4 is an unlucky number. Will there be a number 5?

I may not be the vengeful person I used to be, but don’t be fooled. My mind is no less evil than it used to be. While others may be like poor, poor doggies left all alone to bark up a storm of loneliness, I sit here and hope the next people chain them to their bumpers and take them for the ride of their lives. Then they’ll never be lonely again.

Wow, I guess I better share this entry with just Andy and Maliheh. I think I’m a bit much for the general public to handle tonight. I could share it with Nane too, as she knows most of what’s gone on and is going on with me, but she doesn’t seem to be into reading my journal regularly, so I probably won’t. She cares, she’s interested, but not that much.

I was thinking about how most senior parks only allow you a small dog or a cat, but what are the odds of us getting lucky enough to get next to cats? Almost everyone prefers dogs to cats.

There’s a park with bigger and cheaper homes in a place called Forest Hill, but it’s out of the question because it’s higher up and it snows there. It’s also in the woods (I thought of Andy when they mentioned the deer and bears that love to waltz on by) so we’d have the same shitty internet connection.

The internet has been driving me crazy. Batshit fucking crazy! Due to the intense heat, these old rural wires expand, as Tom explained, and it really messes with the connection. At night it’s a little better, but it’s still so damn frustrating that I’m trying to keep offline most of the time. Sometimes the best way to avoid frustration is to avoid the source of it altogether if you can.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 9, 2012
Tom decided not to apply for any of the second shift positions on the new second shift they’re creating, saying it’s too risky. If it doesn’t work out and they end up shutting that department down and laying off those on that shift, he could end up sorry he got on that shift to begin with. If it does well for a while, he’ll reconsider. Meanwhile, he’s got tons of time off accumulated, so he can take all the time off he needs for moving, appointments and vacations.

My teeth have been the best they’ve been in a long, long time. I still need to see a dentist, but I really wish someone told me about this salt/baking soda rinse in 2004 when they first started bothering me.

Sure am starting to wonder if Jesse went back to work. I haven’t heard the motorcycle zooming in and out. If he has, that’ll mean more barking, especially when I’m up in the mornings, but less chance of him coming down here.

Tom still thinks we’ll be out of here by October. I sure hope so! Even if the dogs never uttered a single bark again, I’m ready to get the show on the road! I want to move, plan, decorate, do things, etc. I can’t wait! I am so excited. Hell, we haven’t even had the simple little luxury of a goddamn dryer since we left Arizona in 2004. We could’ve gotten a washer/dryer after our first year in Oregon when we were doing better financially. It’s just that we knew we weren’t going to remain in the state, and there’s no way I would’ve wanted one in that outside, spider-infested utility room at the second place we rented.

Out of curiosity, I looked up Stacey and her 3 kids on Facebook. She has aged wonderfully! She’s a year younger than I am but looks 10-15 years younger than she is and she’s not at all fat. Andy said he’d never know it was her if I didn’t tell him when I emailed him her picture, though she has clearly changed since we last saw her in the early 90s. Not bad for a blue-eyed blond, though. Her daughters are just there, but her little boy is adorable. He’s not that little, though. I think her kids range from something like 12-18. I didn’t contact her, but maybe after I get my days at the Vista Ventana posted I can float her the link to them, LOL. She’ll probably just block me, tell her kids to block me (though I have no intentions of ever contacting them), and just ignore the links.

I was surprised to see she’s from Pennsylvania. I thought she was born and raised in Arizona, though she had to have moved to Arizona quite young since she attended high school there.

Who are “the dream people?” I asked Tom. Those nameless, faceless beings in my dreams that give me information about the future. Sometimes they even do it through those I actually know. Tom believes there are no “dream people.” No guardian angels or any other unearthly source coming to me in my dreams to supply me with glimpses into the future as well as some people’s minds. He just thinks that if I can be psychic while I’m awake, I can be psychic in my sleep, too.

Yeah, maybe. It’s just that the things most people tell me in my dreams can’t possibly be true. Those I know, I mean. They’re all liars in my sleep, LOL.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 8, 2012
I have a lot to write about, so I’ll probably spend most of the night doing that unless I decide to take a chance with our slow, unreliable connection and watch a movie. What the hell, I’ll go queue one up and see if it’ll stream in. Once it’s in I’m fine. How about Dead Silence?

Had to order a new bed tonight. Not because this one sprung a leak, but because one of the inner walls popped out of place creating a big bulge in one section. I only got a twin cuz I’m sick to death of trying to make a full-size bed up in such cramped quarters. After the move, we’ll get a regular mattress. These airbeds are just too delicate and have a life of just 4-6 months. Waterbeds are outrageously expensive. Can’t seem to get one for under $500. It isn’t that we couldn’t afford one, but I may just get a traditional coil mattress even if they’re not quite as comfortable as air or water. I’ll decide that once we get settled.

I’m down half a pound, but I’d attribute it to scale fluctuations before I attributed it to upping my workout time. I also went back to the protein shakes and bars I love. Now that I’m not dieting, I can at least have foods I really like. Plus, the two big things about the protein that I like are that it keeps me regular and stops the random cravings. Dieting or not, who wants to suddenly crave KFC at 3am?

I was talking to a teenage girl who claims she’s tall, 225 pounds, eats 600-800 cals a day, runs 30 minutes a day but STILL can’t get weight off! How is that possible unless she either has something seriously wrong with her or she hasn’t got her facts straight??? She says her mother gets her these raspberry ketone supplements designed to suppress appetites. I’m curious to see if it works so I’m going to try it next Walmart day. I looked it up on their site and they do carry it. Hell, I’d lose weight with a calorie intake that low even if I sat on my ass. I couldn’t do it, though. Couldn’t stand the hunger and fatigue.

I took a few pics of my reflection in the living room mirror. You can only see me from the waist up. Well, everyone but Andy can. I had just worked out so my hair was up and I was in a pale pink sports bra. So the Girl in the Mirror really was in the mirror. But she never would’ve been in the mirror to begin with had she known there was another writer using that nickname. So now I’m just me on MO, even though the name is permanently embedded in my blog link.

Now I’ve gone from The Girl in the Mirror to my boring name to Out of the Mirror. But at least I’m no longer in the mirror with the other Girl in the Mirror. Know what I mean? Even adding my middle name to my first name doesn’t help it sound much better because all I’m doing is adding a boring name to an ugly name.

I understood ALL the Italian questions on Ask that my Serbian friend was asked!!!! twirls with delight It still hits me every now and then that OMG, I really did learn Italian! I really can understand a lot of it if not most! Woo-hoo! I had a dream a US Marshall gave me a job interviewing suspects and victims who spoke Spanish. Definitely not a job I’d feel comfortable taking even if I could keep a schedule. My Spanish is good, but not that good. I might be a bit slow at times.

Why do the same people keep telling me the same things in my dreams? They always seem to do the same things. My NC buddy tells me she really does have feelings for me or really is attracted to me when she isn’t busy screaming at me or bossing me around.

I finally heard from Nane today. She’d been sick. Keeps getting drunk on me and when we’re visiting each other, though it’s usually me visiting her.

Tom never makes much sense and Andy’s stoned or laughing like a hyena at seemingly nothing.

Not all the weird or negative ones are bad, though. I mean my mom can keep going senile and dropping dead all she wants for all I care.

Aly confirmed that my fourth mystery subscriber had probably deactivated their account and that no, you can’t subscribe to anyone on Facebook anonymously.

I thought about this protecting of friends thing and the lengths I’ve been going to protect them from trolls which some may say has been a bit extreme. I mean hiding my friend list is one thing, but should I really run and switch comments they may make on any of my public posts to friends only? Well, I don’t want to make them an easy target for my stalkers to latch onto, but I also realize I can’t babysit the world. I can’t always look out for others. They’re big boys and girls who can take care of themselves. All I can do is inform them about the trolls and the rest is up to them.

A shot of bug spray a day is keeping the bees away from coming up under the bathroom sink, but not the frogs. I appreciate how brave and stupid they are which makes them so easy to catch. I just slap a glass over them, wait for them to climb the sides of it, then stick a plate under them so they can’t get out of the glass till we set them free. We haven’t gotten nearly as many of those in here as we have other critters.

I really, REALLY don’t like how searches are now generating spam. Banner ads based on my searches are one thing, but to receive spam about it is another. How the hell do they get my email address anyway???

Andy was cracking me up earlier with his silliness on Ask. I had to roll my eyes and laugh at the thought of his attraction to Latino gangsters. I suppose I shouldn’t talk with my attraction to bitches. Not abusive bitches that’d beat me up, but bitches nonetheless. Nothing was as funny as when he said he had that in common with Paula, and I said that she beats them up and he doesn’t. Then he answered with, “I beat them off.”

There’s settling and then there’s settling when it comes to house hunting. We agreed not to settle for anything beat up, broken and non-functional. But if we have to settle for something that’s ugly, it still may be worth it when we could simply make it what we wanted it to be. As long as there’s a place to put the appliances we want (if they’re not already there), we really would rather have a cheaper place in a nicer park, than a nicer place in a dumpier park. Dumpier parks are bound to have more people driving LOUD junkers and probably more company, too.

He talked to a woman in one of the parks today and they have 3 homes being sold by individuals, one by a realtor, and one the park is selling themselves. They said they’d sell it for a grand, so it can’t be too nice or too big. But if it was functional and big enough, we could afford to have it re-carpeted AND painted before we moved in.

There’s one for 5-6 grand in a nice location (a corner lot) within a nice park, but unfortunately, it only has a cooler and not an AC. I do NOT want to sleep with the window cracked with someone just outside of it. As Tom said, though, we could stick individual window ACs in if we wanted to.

We’ll probably never have anything newer or nicer, so hopefully, we’ll make the best of whatever we do end up getting. With the monthly lot cost only being $400 we could save at least a grand a month if not more, so there’s no reason we wouldn’t have the money to renovate it at our leisure. That way we wouldn’t have to worry about loans and higher lot costs that would come with the costlier places.

I would really like pink carpet and violet bedroom walls. Darker walls in a bedroom make it seem darker overall which is better for when I’m sleeping during the daytime. I’d do the other walls in white, but who knows? Maybe I’ll have fun wallpapering some of them, though we would hire others to do all this for us. Maybe borders? I can’t wait to have fun deciding on what to do with what rooms, and I’m going wall tatting for damn sure – woo-hoo! Oh, the pics I’m going to be driving people crazy with, LOL.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 7, 2012
No shit so far today from either troll, though someone in Glastonbury, CT viewed me today while someone in New London, CT viewed me last night. Aly told me Kim gave the link to my blog to an aunt and a cousin, but they too, told her that if she just leaves me alone this shit will stop. She’s the one creating all this, though I suppose I should start ignoring her again like Andy suggested. He pointed out that ignoring them would get rid of them. Well, I wish ignorance was always bliss, but some folks are just so hard up for negative attention that they don’t do a very good job of letting us ignore them. Sometimes that only makes them more determined to get through to us. I suggested he stop answering questions with my name in them since that’s most likely to come from one of the trolls, but he didn’t. I realize he can’t always tell what’s from them since he doesn’t know them as well, but maybe I should give the silent treatment another try and just delete what I think could be from Kim or Molly.

Last night I dreamed of visiting the guy that runs this site, but we never got to talk much because he had a lot of company coming and going during the few days I was there.

The propane guy, though a different one this time, was just here. We’re at 80%. I love to see that gauge go up and to know we have a full tank. It still would be nicer to be in a place where that’s not a concern and not have to leave so much of this tank to the next people. But how much we leave them is the least of my worries. Funny how we once worried about having enough money to buy ourselves propane, and now I worry about buying it for others by default, LOL.

It’s super hot out there now, though dry. We’re to be near or in the triple digits all week. Wish it could always be like this, though I sometimes miss the rain. I loved hearing the sound of it hitting the metal roof.

Tom swapped messages with a realtor who is “excited to help us find the right home,” and emails with someone in one of the parks who said its residents can have a dog that is no more than 14” tall OR a cat. Tom loved how they capped the word “or.”

Small dogs are better than big dogs, but even so, a little 10-pound poodle could be pretty damn obnoxious to listen to all day if it were left unattended just a few feet from the wall of our place. Tom’s pretty sure they’re not allowed to do that, though. I wonder if 14” means where its back is or the top of its head?

I thought Whiskey was around 60 pounds, but Tom thinks he’s 90-100. Either way, he’s too fucking loud, even at a 200-foot distance!

This makes day 4 of no dieting. Since then the scale has appeared to come up anywhere from half a pound to nearly a whole pound each day. Today I thought to myself, “Wow, this really proves that something’s wrong. I haven’t been stuffing it just because I stopped dieting, and I walked for over an hour yesterday.”

So I waited a while, stepped back on the scale, and it told me I was where I was 4 days ago. I don’t know what to think but I refuse to let myself diet again and put up with that hunger and fatigue. I am, however, walking more with a little running mixed in. I know it won’t affect my weight, but that’s not the point. The point is that if I don’t work out or I don’t work out much, I feel lazy. Like welfare bum kind of lazy. I like keeping in shape and it will help for the move since we always move ourselves. I might even go back to using the resistance bands. Did a little ab work yesterday. This gut is still strong as steel. But I miss having the flat abs I was always so proud of, and I’m definitely not flat right now.

I find it less boring to do 4 15-minute walking sessions than to do 20 or more minutes non-stop.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 5, 2012
I’m beginning to feel like we’re never going to get out of here and that something up there wants us to continue living cramped into someone else’s bummy dive. I mean certainly it can’t agree with what we’re doing or like it very much since it already made sure we lost two places of our own.

You know what? Fuck the move. Just fuck the move. We’ll just stay here so we don’t have to lose another place. I’m used to living under the shadow of the Jes pest and his mutts anyway. Been here for over 4 years now, so why move now?

What’s got me so pissed is that Tom couldn’t find his way into the adult parks he wanted to check out. He knew the general area but I guess the navigation system didn’t know shit as far as which roads to take to get him in there. He’s pissed too, as all he did was waste time and gas. Do I think something was trying to hold him back? I know something was trying to hold him back, so like I said, fuck it. Just fuck it. It’s not like it’s noisy here every single day, and those noisy days make the quiet days all the more special and appreciated. Especially since the weather will start cooling down in about a month and out will come the cock to raise hell on the land with all kinds of projects. It would have been nice to have two bedrooms and two baths, but all that would happen would be that it either wouldn’t be what I hoped it would be, or it would be so good that God would be sure to take it away from us.

Tom says every paycheck gives us more opportunities. That may be so, but it’s not like he gets paid every other day. Meanwhile, this is what I’m used to. Tiny old dumps that are at least sometimes noisy.

Anyway, the Jes pest stayed in last night and all was peaceful except for a surprise round of thunder. I actually enjoyed hearing it. I wish we had more storms. They’re kind of fun as long as they don’t wake you up and take out your power. I smelled rain in the air but don’t think it rained much here.

Tom just said he found a park that’s selling a place and that does their own financing. The very thing he says we’ve needed to find. We’re still gonna be here all winter and I’m going to have to deal with the re-roofing of this dump, the painting of this dump, the bulldozing, and a million other projects by then…sawing, plumbing, problems galore, etc. We’ve got enough money for what we don’t want but we’re still a few grand from what we do want.

Here goes the fucking mutts right now. Yeah, God, you can hate us and hold us back all you want, but you can’t stop me from throwing on my sound machines.

Later…

When Kim started harassing me again from her newest Ask account I sent her a “question” telling her to fuck off or that I’d get the cops involved. This morning Aly told me in an email that she deactivated and is scared the cops are going to come after her. Well, even though I’m still having trouble posting on Twitter, I can still read Aly’s tweets to the skitzo and was so disappointed in her when I saw that she told Kim, “She only said what she said to scare you. You gonna let her win?”

I was like, WTF?! Damn her for telling her that! That kind of defeats the purpose of why I said it in the first place, you know? But now I know I need to watch what I say about Kim cuz she’ll just tell her about it. I should’ve figured as much. After all, she tells me Kim’s shit. It’s true, though. I don’t know her physical address, I wouldn’t trust or call the cops for shit if I did, and I did say it to scare her off. But thanks to Aly, my cover has been blown. Maybe she felt like she was doing the right thing by telling her that and maybe she was just trying to calm her down so she’d be easier to deal with even though she chooses to put up with her shit, but I still feel betrayed. I’m not going to dump her, but if something like this happens again, I might. I’m getting too old for the kiddy drama.

And what’s with the, “You gonna let her win?” That doesn’t sound very neutral and like she’s staying out of it like she said she was going to on Ask.

She also told her to quit having her “sources” check up on me and to just move on from me altogether. Again, though, people just can’t let go and I just don’t get it. Why would you want to waste your time bothering with someone who doesn’t give a damn about you, has made it clear that they’re not going to forgive you, and doesn’t want to be your friend when there are so many other people in this world to befriend? Kim was never a true friend and she’s just not the type of person I care to associate with. She’s too crazy. There’s no trust there at all.

Maybe she does have “sources” checking my blog because I can’t believe she wouldn’t be curious about it. She’s proven that she’s still interested in me and the things I have to say, especially when they pertain to her. So she would have a friend copy/paste anything for her because she’s probably too stupid to know how to blind my tracker.

Andy and I, who are both so fed up with being annoyed by dogs, even though he doesn’t have it nearly as bad as we do right now, were talking about how we’d tease various dogs as kids. Do I feel bad about it? No, I don’t. I should, perhaps, but I don’t. There’s only one animal I feel bad about. He randomly came to mind last night and that was my cat, Shadow, whom Brenda, one of my ex-settlements, gave me in 1990.

The cat was destructive at times and a real pain in the ass that could really make you want to kick his ass, but he was a good cat. I named him Shadow even though he was orange because he loved to follow me around. He was a very sweet, loving cat. Hated Andy, though. I guess that’s because he sensed Andy didn’t like him. Andy’s a cat person and cats are his pet of choice but Shadow just wasn’t one of them. Shadow made sure to fuck with his stuff that brief time Andy and I were roommates in Springfield before he left for Phoenix and I left for Queerfield.

Shadow turned out to be a big cat that I ended up getting fixed and declawed. Even though he was declawed, he loved to go outdoors. He would be in and out all day. Not in Springfield or South Deerfield but in Norwich he would be. There were no city streets nearby so getting run over by traffic was unlikely, and a cat can still climb a tree with their back claws to get away from any dogs that may chase them. This is what I was told anyway.

Then off we went one day to sunny, scorching hot Phoenix, Arizona 20 years ago, Shadow made the journey in a carrier in the pet compartment of the plane. At the Vista Ventana complex, some of you may remember that I received a ton of grief from the manager there. Her name was Stacey. She was the Donna A of this complex and a lot of people hated her. But for some reason, she really liked to give me hell that seemed to go way beyond anyone else she picked on. She stressed me out so badly and really made my life a bit of a nightmare there. Oddly enough, however, I had a bit of a crush on her despite her wrath and evil, controlling ways. I even threw her in a story and sent it to her a few years ago, keeping her last name out of it, of course, and other identifiable info. LOL, just the prankster in me, I guess, but I kept it all legal.

I have a problem with falling for these hard-ass bitches, but there were certainly no feelings involved whatsoever. It was pure lust. She reminded me of Kate Jackson. She was a lighter version of her with her blue eyes and blond hair. Not a color combo I usually go for, but on occasion, a nice one comes around. She was slim and tall and I liked her voice, the way she moved, etc. Regardless, Stacey was your classic good-looking bitch from hell. She was beyond bossy and went way beyond enforcing the complex’s rules. She crossed the line into downright intrusiveness and unprofessional. It’s too long of a story to get into so I won’t. Let’s just say she knew things about me she shouldn’t have known which prompted Kara and I, a friend of mine at the time, to rake my studio with a fine-tooth comb in search of any cameras or other recording devices, though we never found anything. If you want to learn more about what happened, I’m just about ready to start posting the entries written at the time I lived there from the summer of 1992 till the spring of the following year.

Back to Shadow. Well, the bitch made me get rid of him, of course. They didn’t allow pets in first-floor apartments there and even if I were on an upper floor, I didn’t have the $250 pet deposit required to keep him, so Andy and I took him for a ride. I ended up feeling really bad about it, too. I did not want to give that cat up. Nonetheless, Andy and I dropped him off in a place called Paradise Valley, home to many celebrities. We dumped him in what we thought was Stevie Nicks’s backyard, but if I remember correctly, we later learned it was the wrong yard.

I hoped that someone would take him in and give him a home, but later realized he may not have made it. Some would say I was just a young girl at the time on disability and a limited income who did what she had to do to survive, but I still feel bad about it even after all these years, and even though he couldn’t still possibly be alive even if someone did take him in and give him an ideal home. I just didn’t know what else to do at the time and I didn’t exactly have time to sit and think about it or else the bitch would’ve evicted me. What could I have done, gone door-to-door asking if anyone wanted a free cat? I suppose I should’ve brought him to the pound, though they probably would’ve put him down. If he ended up suffering, that may’ve been his best bet, though. After a stint of homelessness of my own, I feel absolutely horrible for sticking him out in that heat like I did with no food or water.

I’m so sorry, Shadow. I was homeless too, if not for nearly as long as you might’ve been. I’m sorry I threw you away like that just because of some mean-assed bitch. sighs I need a dog to kick. I really do.

Later…

Let me get the latest and hopefully the last of the Kim saga out of the way and off my chest, then I’ll get on with other things either in this same entry or another one.

What a waste of a weekend it’s turned out to be! I was in a seriously pissy-assed mood earlier. I’m a little calmer now, but like I said, I’ll cover the troll part of it first, then the rest of it later.

As I’ve mentioned before, Kim or someone pretending to be Kim, or both, has pestered me on Ask. I can usually tell what’s from her because she makes it rather obvious. Dunno if she’s just too stupid not to or if she wants me to know it’s her without spelling it out, but whoever they are, they’re contacting me and my friends and it’s really getting old.

Kim and her “source,” which may or may not be one of her many alters, is someone I really, really dislike and want nothing to do with. Why do I dump those I don’t like? Well, it’s simple. It’s like ordering food at a restaurant. Why would I order something I didn’t like when I can simply order what I do like? Same with people. Why hang onto the liver and onions when I can have the fried chicken, steak, Chinese, and seafood?

Molly was bad enough with her lies and craziness, but at least Molly was always just Molly. This one’s got God knows how many so-called personalities. I don’t know if she’s capable of thinking and reasoning or if she even knows what the hell she’s doing. I just know that I’m sick of those I’ve told to leave me the hell alone refusing to just let me walk away in peace while they do the same thing themselves. Why can’t people just move on??? There are 7 billion people in the world, so why me?

I was a little upset with Aly for tweeting to Kim something I didn’t want her to know, but she owned up to it and apologized for it right away. I understood before Aly told me that she was just trying to calm Kim down, but I also urged her to keep what I confided in her between us and reminded her that she’s not Kim’s mother. She’s not obligated to babysit the bitch. She agreed to keep out of it completely and just let Kim behave as she will because nothing anyone says to her can stop her anyway. Kim’s her own person. Or people, I should say.

I can’t control what others do, but as much as Kim would like to see it happen, I’m not cutting ties with Aly. She and I have shared too much for too long and that’s not something I can just throw away over something like this. Yes, I felt disappointed and betrayed, but I totally understand why she said what she said. I also believe she’s sorry for it and won’t make the same mistake. Aly and I have shared secrets, gone to each other for advice and opinions, and reviewed each other’s stories, and it isn’t every day someone tells me I have a sexy singing voice, even if she didn’t quite use those words. We have a lot in common and we accept what we don’t. So our friendship will go on regardless of any jealous, hateful sickos that may have a problem with it. Aly is both sane and smart, a rare combo in this world.

Although it seems to be for only me and no one else in the world, Twitter is so messed up. I can’t post tweets and I can’t for the life of me bring up the troll’s account, but that’s ok. I don’t care to read her BS. All I could see were some of Aly’s tweets which she didn’t know I could see. She went in and deleted anything pertaining to the Kim saga, though at this point it really doesn’t matter. I can’t use Twitter anyway except for what gets automatically sent there.

Later…

It’s looking like we may have to make a little detour before getting the home we want which kind of sucks. We don’t know for sure that that’s what we’re going to do, but while we’re rich in life, we’re poor in house hunting. There are plenty of older, smaller dumps we could afford right now, but we’re still a few grand short of getting into a newer, nicer doublewide with two beds and baths. We can now comfortably spend a little over 3 grand without draining our savings or keeping us from buying food, gas and things we might need and want for the house. But we need 5 or more grand to get what we want.

Tom said that maybe instead of staying here for another year, we should take a 6-month detour in a $1500 single-wide like this only it’d be longer and include a washer/dryer. Really, really don’t want to have to do that, though. I’m sick of settling and I’m sick of trying to escape from one place after another that I simply don’t want to be in. I swear I’ve spent most of my life trying to run from places, and the few I actually liked I was forced to leave when I didn’t want to. Or at least not all of me wanted to. A part of me is glad South Deerfield, Maricopa and Oregon didn’t work out.

BUT… Tom pointed out something that may make sticking ourselves with some thorns worth getting to the rose. It’s just that I don’t buy it when he says it will only take 6 months. Things always, always take longer than expected. I think this “detour” of sorts would last a year or more. Nonetheless, it costs us $4950 for 6 months of rent here. It would cost us about $300 less in 6 months between the cost of buying the place and the monthly lot rental. But where the real savings comes in is that natural gas is way cheaper than propane, and he’d save on gas big time if he were closer to work. This would allow us to save closer to a grand a month instead of closer to $500 a month like we do here AND we’d have cable internet, drinkable tap water, a washer/dryer and possibly a dishwasher, pool and spa in a place where barking is regulated. They tend to give new customers deals on cable that’d allow us to pay half of what we’re paying here for slow, unreliable service on something that’d be faster and ready to use whenever you want to use it, as it should be.

Again I thought of how much I hate God for cursing me with this type of sleep disorder and preventing me from doubling our income. Even adding a minimum wage income to Tom’s would make a world of difference, but no. Little Jodi just hasn’t been picked on enough in life and she hasn’t suffered enough hardships. God, I hate God! This alone is something that will forever prevent me from ever forgiving, trusting or having any kind of affection for Him whatsoever. If one more person tries to brainwash me into thinking He’s any friend of mine, I think I just may strangle them. Allowing parents to be abusive, allowing one to be set up and thrown in jail, cursing them with a sleep disorder that can make life more than a bitch to live – that’s not love. Trying to convince me God gives a shit about me is no different than a guy who slaps his woman and then tries to tell her he loves her. Well, that’s not love!

I always used to say I didn’t know what I hated God more for, for my childhood, depriving me of experiencing true lust, taking away my right to choose as a woman, knocking an ear off at birth, letting our hateful neighbors and their cop friend victimize me, or the sleep thing. I’d go with the sleep thing. I eventually grew up, moved out on my own and escaped my mother and any evil foster parents or housemother’s abuse. I eventually escaped the welfare bums and their piggy pal’s grasp, too. My ear is ugly but doesn’t hinder my day-to-day life. My right to choose turned out to be a good thing, though I’m still a little sore at times about the lust thing. The sleep thing, on the other hand, really holds me back in life big time when you consider the fact that I can’t get a job outside of the house. Oh, I can go back to making slave wages on MT when we have a reliable connection, and maybe I’ll be allowed to win big again, but MT won’t get you very far, and that 10K you might win will eventually run out.

Later…

I’m going to either “whisper” or set entries to friends only if a certain someone that’s been stalking and harassing me (my IP can prove it’s her coming to me and not me going to her except for one time I went to one of her deactivated accounts to make one last-ditch effort to get her to leave me alone) because I don’t want to give them the negative attention they so obviously crave. So most of what I may say about them (until and if they stop giving me a reason to mention them) won’t be available to their eyes.

I’m not talking about Molly, BTW. All I’ll say is that this needs to stop. I have not gone to her other than that wasted attempt to get her to go away. I have not threatened her. I have not used her full name. Meanwhile, she keeps either coming to me or having her “sources” check up on me so there appears to be no record of her involvement, but I wasn’t born yesterday or the day before. I know that she or someone she’s put up to it has been checking up on me on Ask and pestering me there based on the “questions” I’ve been receiving, and probably on every other site I use too, in which anyone can see my activity.

I’ve only been answering what she or anyone else has been sending me on Ask, though they can’t anonymously bother me on my blog because an overhaul in spam caused me to tweak my settings. I suppose I should just delete any childish shit I get on Ask that may be from her, but sometimes I can’t always tell. When we get anonymous questions it could be anyone. It could be a good friend. It could be an acquaintance. It could be an enemy. It could be a stranger. Sometimes the wording, punctuation and nature of questions seem to really point to certain people, but if it’s not the person I’m talking about, then she’s got nothing to worry about, right? Really, why worry if you haven’t done anything wrong? So if it’s really someone else and I’ve falsely accused her, I’m sorry. I don’t think I have, but again, anything is possible and I know that.

Meanwhile, I wish this person the very best of luck in life, but we are done. We are over. Period. Our friendship has been over since what, June? Well, that’s the way it stays and I’m not going to change my mind about that. It wasn’t just about the two-facing bit that caused me to end our “friendship,” it was about catching her in one casual lie after another. If you can’t believe a word someone tells you, then what kind of a friendship could you possibly have? If you have brown hair that you’ve admitted isn’t dyed, why say it’s blond? If you’re unilingual, why say you know Spanish, French, German, Italian and Portuguese? If you’re not so and so, why say you are unless you’re playing a game just for fun that others are aware of? Why tell people in what you think is anonymity that they’re ugly, they’re fat, they’re losers, and that God hates them while being sweet and kind to their face if you really hate the person?

I’m not going to try and sugarcoat what happened, but I also realize this person has a serious illness. Even so, I’m nobody’s caretaker. At the risk of sounding selfish and void of compassion, I’m not obligated to help, fix or deal with this person, nor am I qualified to in the first place. MPD is a pretty big thing and it’s way over my head. Other than fun pretend games I knew I was playing as a kid pretending to be the bionic woman and all that, I’ve always been just Jodi. Just plain old boring Jodi. I’m not a perfect person, but I’m just Jodi, and dealing with the mentally ill isn’t what I’m good at.

If she can simply respect my wishes and stop contacting me, I will no longer mention this person in my blog. Besides, if you don’t like someone, why would you want to read their blog anyway or check any of their sites out? Good luck to you, Kim, but it’s time to move on now. There’s no more negative attention to be found here. Thank you for the story idea you’ve inspired, though. Don’t worry, if I post it here it will be first names only. Why not, you’ve used mine in many of your “stories.”

Aly told me Kim told her she has an uncle that knows what I’m “doing” and they’re going to file a report on me. I’m not the least bit afraid of her or anyone she knows. Kim’s just saying that because I said I’d sic the cops on her. I haven’t done anything illegal and besides, if she could take action against me, why not Molly? She did do things that are illegal. She stalked, followed, harassed and picked on her like crazy.

Really wonder how she, or this imaginary source that may actually be real, is checking my blog. Aly confirms she saw my last post about her but no one’s been into my blog since then but Aly, Aira and someone in the Netherlands that I doubt is Adonis. So whoever it is is going through a proxy and that would be my Netherlands visitor, or they’re disabling cookies. So my suspicions about the other troll continuing to read my blog discreetly are probably correct, too. If Molly were interested in my Ask account, she would also want to know what I’m blogging about, too. But where are these fucktards getting the know-how for disabling cookies? Someone’s got to have taught them how to do that. And why? To make themselves look like they’re not coming to my sites? I checked the Netherlands IP and it doesn’t look like it’s a proxy server so I’m going with the disabling of cookies.

Later…

Finally able to post tweets on Twitter again, though I’m sure there’ll be another problem for me and me only in just a matter of days. Why is it no one else seems to have a problem there? I can’t post half the time, can’t access other people’s accounts, and can’t do much of anything there. Still not sure I even want to bother. MO, Ask and FB are more fun.

A friend who’s around my age had a very good point in asking what was wrong with the “kids” of today who never seem to move out of their parent’s house. Most teenagers back in the 80s couldn’t wait to get their driver’s license, they couldn’t wait to get their first job, and they couldn’t wait to venture out on their own. Yet today’s teens want to stay home and be “big kids forever” as she put it. I don’t get that either.

Someone anonymously asked if I knew troll number two’s full name. Was that some sort of bait or trap? Well, it’s not illegal that I know of to state full names online unless you’re threatening them or maybe impersonating them, but I don’t give out any identifiable information. I may speak of my experiences with them, but if you want to find their full names, locations, and other sensitive information on them, that’s up to you to do on your own.

I didn’t post old journal entries yesterday, so I think I’ll go post some. I’m up to mid-1992, right before I was about to leave Connecticut for Arizona.

Before Aly knew I was reading her tweets she did urge Kim to back off, leave me alone and move on, not that it would do her or anyone else any good. Well, I appreciate that, but now I know I have to be careful of what I tell her. If she told her I only said I called the cops on her to try to scare her off, there’s a good chance she was telling her other things I told her that I assumed would stay between us.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 4, 2012
Last night I wanted to kill both Jesse and his fucking mutts for the all-night barking spree they gave me. It started at 8pm. Every half hour or so until after 1am I turned the sound machines off in hopes of finding that he’d returned to shut the mutts up so I could watch a movie. But each time I turned them off they were going crazy. Just what are these fucking mutts trying to accomplish by barking non-stop hour after hour? And why haven’t they figured out that whatever it is they think they can achieve by barking up a storm just isn’t going to happen? It’s not going to bring Jesse back any sooner, and if they’re going crazy because they’re afraid to be left alone, well, anything that may endanger them isn’t going to go away. Coyotes, bears and whatnot were in these woods long before they were and they’re not about to leave just because an Australian Shepard and a Border Collie may want them to.

“Do you at least agree he’s rude and inconsiderate?” I asked my tolerant husband, who having grown up with barking dogs, knew it as a way of life. He nodded, and then I asked why karma seems to visit us if we screw anyone over, but never those who are rude and inconsiderate to us or worse.

“Karma visits people in different ways,” Tom said, reminding me of his dog that got run over and the nice new quiet truck he used to drive that he totaled.

The dog was one thing, but if anything the totaling of the truck was more of a punishment for me than for him because I’m the one who had to sit and listen to the old junky truck he started driving after that which is motorcycle-loud. I don’t hear it as much as I used to, but I hear enough loud vehicles coming and going from his fucking place.

Unless the next people don’t mind (and most people must not since they don’t enforce the barking laws out here much), I hope they have the guts I didn’t have to kill them or at least try to take some legal action to get him to take just as much responsibility for the mutts when he’s out as he does when he’s home. It’s just that that’s been tried before and it didn’t do any good.

Anyway, if I have to put up with this shit when we move, though I suppose it would only be in the daytime, I’m not complaining to anyone. I’m simply going to walk over and kick the mutt to death. If I have to get arrested to get peace within my own damn home, so be it, but at least they won’t be our landlord or anyone else with a hold on us.

Later…

I had a dream last night that we moved, but the place not only didn’t look like a manufactured home, it wasn’t at a mobile home park either. The only room that seemed nice and newer was the living room. It was strange, though, because one entire wall of it was glass. There were no window coverings either, but I wasn’t worried about losing any privacy because there was nothing and nobody beyond the window wall. All I could see were green rolling hills that seemed to lead to nowhere.

One of the bathrooms was so old and rusty that I didn’t see how we’d ever fix it up. In a section of that room was a pile of junk left over from previous owners. There was an old crib (strange thing to find in a senior park) and an old wire cage with a wooden frame that we stuck the guinea pig that we had at the time in.

One of the top two houses I like best has been re-listed. But this time it’s being sold by the owner and not a realtor. It’s still at 10K, though. Tomorrow is when Tom is going to drive through some parks, that one being one of them, and see what for-sale signs he can spot. We still think our best bet is going to be with a park-owned home, but again, those aren’t advertised online. I guess they lose too much money that way and they don’t have time for that anyway.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 3, 2012
I was almost afraid to wake up this morning, but I’m happy to be able to say that my allergies are just fine. The question is for how long? Yesterday and the day before were just horrible. I even had the runs, but only once. Tom thinks it was just the congestion draining that upset my tummy. Sure felt like my head was going to explode too, and I had scattered sneezing fits throughout the day. I was only able to get just some of the things done that I wanted to do. Maybe I can finally work out today. Plus I want to clean the bathroom, wash sheets and towels, make up the grocery list, and hope that Tom doesn’t have to work tomorrow. We really want to start calling some people about some of the places that look like they might be potential homes for us!

Tom got the results of his blood work. He’s in good health. :)

A friend of mine who’s about the same height said she has the exact same problem I have. She just can’t seem to lose weight no matter how little she eats, and she spends more time struggling not to gain more than she does trying to actually lose weight. But like me, she had a hard time telling herself to just stay fat, be happy, and accept it. I used to think that most of those who were fat either wanted to be or just didn’t care. But maybe they too, simply can’t stand the constant hunger and fatigue of damn near starving themselves day after day after day only to lose little to no weight that only comes back. Finally, I asked myself, “Would you rather spend the next 40 years hungry for little to no reason? Or would you rather look like shit?” I decided I’d rather be an eyesore despite the giant I know I will become.

Haven’t been able to post to Twitter in a couple of days. Only auto-posted stuff is showing up, so fuck it.

Andy insists it’s not him sending the anonymous comments. I think it’s Molly or Kim or maybe even both. I know Kim was asking about herself yesterday cuz no one else would care enough about her enough to ask if I think she still sends me things.

In fact, Aly just said: Kim swears she hasn’t been to ask in some time (yeah, she tweets that you’re mentioning her because a “source” told her about it) but yeah, wouldn’t surprise me to find out that she’s behind it! If she weren’t I don’t think she’d be mentioning it.

I told her: I KNOW it’s her. It’s exactly what she would ask and exactly how she would ask it as well. I can’t believe she doesn’t check this blog out. Could be going to the trackless one or disabling cookies and coming here, but I really wish she’d leave me the fuck alone along with the other troll. If you can feel sorry for someone who’s friendless for being the delusional liar that she is, fine, but I can’t. I don’t want a damn thing to do with her.

Later…

It’s going to be a looong night. I’m nowhere near ready for bed, I don’t feel like reading, and I can’t watch a movie in peace because the fucking mutts are going crazy tonight. As loud as it is down here when the sound machines aren’t on, I’d never guess they were nearly 200’ away. Honestly, they don’t sound more than 50’ away.

I have absolutely no respect or concern for this fucking cock and how we leave the place when we move. If it’s filthy, tough shit. If we leave stuff we don’t want, tough shit. He’ll just have to deal with it. It’ll be nothing compared to the shit I’ve had to put up with, unable to do this or to do that because it is so damn obnoxious that I’m forced to put on sound machines so they can go crazy for hours at a time without driving me out of my mind. I can’t watch movies or do anything that requires a quiet background when they’re going off. I can’t study languages, I can’t proofread with the electronic reader, I can’t do anything. After 4 years of this shit, I am so fucking sick of having to be put out and plan my time around whether or not that bastard’s home. I don’t give a shit how we leave this place, though knowing him he’ll get his sister to deal with it. Still, I don’t have an ounce of concern for this shitbox or any desire whatsoever to get rid of what we don’t want or to clean the place beforehand. Besides, that’s what deposits are for anyway. As it is, they or someone they know can probably use some of the shit we leave behind, and I know he’ll be thrilled to see nearly a full tank of propane.

Yeah, that pisses me off, too. We were wrong in thinking we wouldn’t need any more propane before we left. The propane people are coming next week and you can bet I’m going to be cooking up a storm even though it’s too hot for it because I don’t want the next people getting a complimentary tank on us. I hate this propane thing! I miss having normal utilities, though I’m not going to like having to have electric bills again. Probably water, sewer, trash and maybe even gas, too. It’s cheaper in the summer, so 100 gallons cost us $178 instead of nearly $300, but still, we’ll be at 60% when they fill us, and I doubt it will be under 50% when we leave. That’s a little more than what it was when we got here. It was at 40% then.

Since the dogs are down here every day, I asked Tom if he wanted to throw out some poisoned meat, but he doesn’t want to invite any bad karma on us. He’s got a point there. Enough bad things have happened to us simply for breathing. I swear to God, though, that if I have to sit and listen to hours of barking from whomever we end up next to when we move. I will kill the fucking thing. I swear I will. After 20 years of this shit, I can’t take any more. God, please don’t beat me over the head with other people’s dogs for the rest of my life! Then again, like He gives a shit, right? I’ll just have to take care of them on my own and I will.

Unless I knew they were assholes, I really feel bad for the next people in here. Let’s just hope that for their sake they don’t mind barking and aren’t into the Internet.

I just hope nothing else breaks before we get out of here! We’re really close now because we now have enough saved up to either negotiate a payment plan on something nicer or buy a place outright that’s not as nice if no one’s willing to negotiate and work with us.

Why is it so hard for some people to just let go, accept when a friendship is over, and simply move on? Especially when it was just a friendship and nothing more. Kim and some equally juvenile friend of hers (if it isn’t her pretending to be that friend) have been pestering me on Ask. Really, why does Kim care to ask if I still think she sends me things? Our so-called friendship has been over a while now, so why should she care what the hell I think? Why can’t people just let me go when I want them to, and why can’t I hear more from those I care about? Some of them anyway. It is just so damn easy to get what I don’t want in life.

I’m not going to bother with Twitter anymore. Too many problems. Pages not loading, tweets not posting, etc. Only the auto-sent tweets are posting (from my blog) so fuck it. I should’ve remembered why I left there in the first place.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 2, 2012
My allergies left me absolutely miserable yesterday and today’s not much better so far. Only difference is I’m determined not to let it stop me from going about my life today. Yesterday I took Benadryl and was too sick and drowsy to work out or do much of anything. Today I’m determined to work out, clean, etc.

The congestion is as annoying as the sneezing fits and I don’t know what the hell is causing it. I guess it’s something outside. The only state I didn’t have allergy problems in was Oregon, but this is getting to be like Arizona for me here! The attacks are getting more and more frequent and obviously, over-the-counter stuff can’t fight it alone. After we get moved I’ll have to add an allergist to my already too-long list of doctors I have to see being as behind in bodily repairs as I am. A dentist, an ear doctor, an eye doctor, a sleep doctor, an allergy doctor…am I going to end up having to see every doctor there is? And why oh why can’t I have a day in my life without some form of pain or problem??? I’m sick of suffering one way or another every single fucking day of my life! Hip pain, tooth pain, allergies, etc.

Not only is my nose so clogged up that I can barely taste or smell, but the pressure caused by the congestion has blocked both ears and is giving me a slight headache in front where the sinus cavity is. On top of that, I’ve had teary eyes, and this on-and-off pain in my upper stomach that woke me up the last two nights, as well as shortness of breath. I’m not wheezing or anything but my lungs sometimes feel tight like they would down in Arizona. I’ve got nose pinchers on my nose now that I would use to keep water out of my nose when swimming to help keep me from sneezing.

I still have days where nothing seems to fill me up either. I eat, but I’m still hungry, and if it does curb my hunger, it doesn’t seem to last long. It’s like my body is crying out to gain more weight. Well, it can have it because trying to maintain it is too hard and trying to lose it is impossible, so at this point, I don’t give a damn if I gain 100 pounds or not. I’m tired of being hungry. From now on the rule is that when I’m hungry, I eat. Period. And sometimes it’ll be just a yogurt or a piece of fruit while other times it may be a big box of crackers or a chocolate bar. No more skimping or counting calories!

But despite the fact that I am ready to accept that most older people are around 100 pounds overweight and to join them in that department, I’m not ready to give up working out until I get so damn big that I am unable to do so. I like to at least be in shape regardless of how much weight I’m carrying.

I went back and re-read the “questions” I was asked by some anonymous being yesterday who first said I was silly, then very wrong. I guessed it was Molly or Kim but they denied it and said that’s what they meant by my being very wrong. But they told me I was “very wrong” before I guessed they were Molly or Kim. IDK, maybe it’s Andy playing around, though he was supposed to be at work at the time the questions came in. He said he didn’t ask if I’d forgive my husband if he cheated on me, so I’m assuming he asked the other anonymous questions. Whatever. Gotta get running, showering and cleaning, but not to the tune of barking as I’ll have either music or the sound machines going. Yeah, the damn cock is definitely back to work at least part-time in the early mornings.

I was just about to post this entry when I had a bout of the runs. Wow, just wow. I’m doing really well here. I’d say working out is definitely out of the question today, too. But I am determined to dust and vacuum at least a little bit.

Took a shower after having the runs and it seems to have made me a little better as far as the watery eyes, sneezing and congestion go, but who knows how long it will last?

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 1, 2012
So much for taking Claritin. My allergies started going off last night and they still are this morning. I wonder if there’s a connection between that and spraying perfumed body sprays on the sheets. I like to keep the sheets fresh smelling but ran out of Febreze. So I started using body sprays. I doubt there’s any connection, though. After all, I spray the stuff on me.

Now that the water is gone and it’s a few days after my period I decided to weigh in this morning. That’s when it hit me that I was down 3 pounds from this same time last month. So maybe the latest diet revision was working, just slowly. I’ve never been one to lose weight fast anyway. So now I have to decide if I want to give it another month or just let it go.

Haven’t found out any more info on that expanded single-wide yet because Tom wants to wait till it gets closer to the weekend to contact them because he’ll be easier to get ahold of at that time. What he can’t figure out is if it’s a 1 @ 55 park or an all @ 55 park.

He left a note saying the net was out most of the morning and that he would call them when he got in and tell them to slow us down and see if that will make it more stable. Nothing will make it more stable until they replace the wires. Until then it will just lower the monthly cost. Why pay for what we’re not getting anyway?

The troll asked why I was talking about her on Ask and Andy why he likes me. Still can’t figure out why she’s not showing up on my MO tracker if she really is reading my blog. She’s got to either have cookies disabled or she’s going to my trackless blog. It’s just that I recently posted entries that contain some of the shit she does. Well, why else would she ask that?

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Last updated August 15, 2024