March 2012 in 2010s

SATURDAY, MARCH 31, 2012
I have sooo much to update on. It’s both sad and good. It’s sad because we lost our little ratty yesterday. It’s good because Tom got hired on! After 4 years and 8 months, it’s official! Life is just about the best it’s been since we came here and it’s sooo nice to hear nothing but the rain today and any sounds we make and only what we make. But the job isn’t 100% official yet. The “realness” of it may not take effect for another week or two, and it may be a while before he gets a raise. But they’re a big, European company with good benefits! :)

Eileen was delighted with how well things have been going for us. As I told her, I have never “felt” my dad’s presence in any way, but just maybe he is looking out for us when you think of the good things that have happened in just the short time he’s been gone while no God, if there even is one, seemed to care about us at all. Our lives never were and never will be perfect, but it’s an ironic coincidence that God lets us suffer for years, then my father dies and we suddenly achieve things we’ve struggled for years to achieve.

Last night I crashed at 8:30 and it was perfect timing, knowing Jesse had left at around that time and the dogs wouldn’t stop barking till around 1am. So I kicked on the sound machine and slept 12 hours due to my emotions exhausting me. We were both sad and excited. It’s sad walking by the spot where his cage used to be and not seeing him beg for those weekend treats we’d share with him. But to help make up for it is knowing we can finally move on to making preparations to move! Just maybe we’ll even make it to Italy.

I giggle to myself when I think of the day we get to tell Jesse we’re checking out of this little old heap of tin. I hope he gets every single nightmare possible for tenants, too! I know that while he may appear indifferent when we break the news to him inside he’ll be upset. We were good tenants and good tenants are hard to find. Even when we had to split the rent back on unemployment, we still paid him everything we owed. Yet despite being the perfect tenant, I was not allowed to mourn my beloved pet rat in peace any more than my dad.

After Tom left for work, I knew that yesterday was the day. The poor little guy could barely lift his head. Then for a few hours, it was just horrible watching him struggle to breathe. I wished to hell we had that homemade euthanasia kit. I even considered smothering him to end his suffering but couldn’t do it. Although Tom assured me he was probably unconscious since whatever illness he had seemed to affect his head and that it was just his natural reflexes working to breathe in the end, it was a terrible thing to have to watch. What made it all the more miserable was the fucking cock gunning his motorcycle for what seemed like forever. Really, I’m sitting there watching my pet die and I’m getting vroom, vroom, vroom! Like I said, I hope the fucker gets the worst tenants possible like the thieves and druggies that were in here before us. They broke into his house when he was out and stole his gun and almost managed to steal his Harley too. Too bad they didn’t, though the damn cock would’ve just replaced it.

Then when Tom came home we had to listen to him working on a vehicle of some kind and gunning engines while he shouted back and forth to whoever was under the hood as we buried the little guy behind our shed. Tom dug the grave deep and put big heavy rocks on top to keep the fucking dogs from digging him up.

So no more chocolate brown ratty with the white “gloves” and “socks.” :( I posted his pic on my FB wall and people gave their condolences, including the drama queen. I was polite in my reply but thinking how much I wanted to tell her to take herself and Larry, lick their fingers and stick them in an electrical outlet.

It was nice hearing from Irene today. :) I figured she’d come back eventually. She’s just too sweet a person to stay away long. She again commented after a comment I made on one of Nane’s ocean pics, saying, “Kein Hai in Sicht.” I had to look up the word Hai because I didn’t know it, but now I know it means shark. So just when I was laughing at the thought of how she’s still teaching me German even though we weren’t friends, she messages me to say she’d been depressed, burned out, and things got to be too much for her. She apologized for ending our friendship.

I figured there was more to it than the tagging thing, and as I told her, if anyone knows what it’s like to feel depressed, stressed and totally pushed to the edge, it’s me. I told her I’d always be here for her and she added me back on FB, so that was nice. I still wonder, though, if she kind of likes me and was a bit jealous when Nane and I made up. Either way, I’m not surprised to hear from her. It was Nane that was the real surprise. Especially after how mean she was to me. I really didn’t think I’d ever hear from her again.

I called my mom to give her the news but got her machine. So I left her a quick message. She’s probably at the store.

Tom says he feels the best he’s felt in 15 years since he started the Q10 supplements. He’s also down 5 pounds without any effort, so he figures that if he actually tries to diet, he’ll lose more. He also added fish oil supplements to his diet which I’m trying, too. Fish oil is supposed to be good for those with joint pain like I often get. Even when I wasn’t working out I had joint pain at times, especially in the hips. I doubt it’s arthritis, but it is listed as one of the symptoms of my sleep disorder. Furthermore, fish oil seems to boost the metabolism, which makes you hungrier, thus causing weight loss. You just have to be careful not to give in to that hunger and eat more since you have to be hungry in order to lose weight. Like it or not the two go hand in hand.

There’s been a lot of loss lately. Kim and I lost our dads less than a month apart, and now I’ve lost my rat, Christine has lost her cat, and Alison lost a bird and a dog.

Aly and I can’t figure out what the hell the troll is up to. She peeked in on us the last two days but hasn’t blogged or contacted us. Is she trying to prove something? Or is Mommy really breathing down her neck that hard? As Aly said, it’s hard to believe she’s not blogging somewhere, but maybe she is and simply chose not to have it indexed by Google.

Can’t figure out what Maliheh is up to either. I knew that “promise” to keep in touch was a joke. I still can’t be sure if she’s playing with me or not, but since I’ve wondered this for so long now and have had this feeling for so long, I’d say that yeah, she’s “teasing” me by making me wait on her like Nane used to do. At first I thought I said or did something she didn’t like or she just got sick of me, but couldn’t figure out why she didn’t dump me if that were the case, but that would defeat the purpose. If my theory is correct, then she can’t string me along and make me wait on her if she dumps me. She may have a lot going on in her life, but she did before too, when I’d hear from her regularly. I don’t know if she planned this all along or if she really did get at least a little sick of me and decided this would be a fun game to play since she still wanted to remain friends.

FRIDAY, MARCH 30, 2012
I learned that “Jim’s” real name is Askim and that he’s some kind of technician. I like the name but it’s also funny. Askim. Ask him. Ask him to separate coffee filters for you, I told Nane, when you’re in the shower. I recently had a dream that I spent the day separating coffee filters for her while she was at work, so that’s where that one came from.

Anyway, she and I spoke every day this week except for Monday. :)

Got a busy day ahead today and not much to update on. The rat is still ill, my leg muscles are sore and so I’m taking a break from running today, and I have several things to do today. Even though I’m not going to pig out tomorrow, it wouldn’t surprise me if my weight “reset” itself back to where it was even if I keep dieting and exercising, but we’ll see. Still think my thyroid could be wacky.

Still waiting for either good news or bad news at work and it’s getting old. I hate this waiting game! We could know something today, but worst-case scenario we have to wait till next week.

THURSDAY, MARCH 29, 2012
It’s going to be a pleasant day out there today so I don’t expect it to be very peaceful.

Lost 4 pounds so far this week. Maybe those Fullbars I’ve been having really do help with weight loss. A weight-loss doctor created them and while they’re bland as hell and it’s like biting into Styrofoam, they at least seem to help. Then again, so does cutting calories and exercising. Don’t know how long it will last, though. A high-protein diet definitely helps with random cravings and hunger, but the last 4 hours of my day are tough.

Had a dream Andy joined Facebook and I told him, “Now don’t embarrass me here.”

He said, “I promise to behave, darling,” then somehow managed to insert an icon of the finger.

Yeah, we probably would say and do this too, LOL.

Irene commented after every comment I made on Nane’s wall recently, LOL.

Nane’s the only one so far who wasn’t that impressed with my singing. I thought Andy would say it sucked, but he said it was fine.

The troll was back yesterday, but again, Aly and I can’t figure out what’s up with her. It’s like she just wants to let us know she’s still alive or something, but not locked up anywhere. Just like last time she made a quick post saying she’d been sick for a week with the flu and only spent 15 minutes on my blog instead of 10 hours catching up like she would do even when there was nothing to catch up on.

Tom’s working weird hours so he’ll probably be exhausted when he gets in. He had his interview yesterday and still thinks he’ll be hired on. I hope so! If not, he could actually be laid off in about a week or less. He came home after just 6 hours yesterday. They’re still paying him for 8, but the reason is that because they’re so busy now, they sent him home so he could get some sleep and be prepared to work from midnight to noon. So he crashed right after he ate. I’m amazed he can do that. There’d be no way I could crash before at least 8pm and also no way I could work 12 hours on less than 4 hours of sleep. He’s amazing!

Getting a little apprehensive with April looming around the corner but not overly concerned (if it was a real cop who emailed me). I’m a little surprised I haven’t been harassed online. I thought they might resort to various scare tactics (the pigs) and do shit to make themselves visible on my tracker, send emails or messages on other sites with threats and ultimatums, etc. Whatever they do in the future I intend to ignore unless they either push me too far or leave me no choice by busting through these doors and literally hauling my ass out of here. I think they would’ve come here by now if they were going to do that, thus making their own lives more complicated, so all else should be easy enough to ignore. The last thing I would want to do would be to give them the reaction they wanted by expressing anger or showing fear. They aim to control and manipulate much in the way an abusive lover does. Only problem is that sadly this is legal, and when it’s not, they still get away with it anyway.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 28, 2012
It seems I learn something new about Nane every time we talk. I thought she never had kids so she could do other things. Like travel. Instead, I learned that 12 years ago she got pregnant at 39 and was considered a high-risk pregnancy. Well, her baby girl died and she’s been afraid to get pregnant ever since. I guess she couldn’t have been that far along. They can tell the baby’s gender at just 12 weeks. Plus, I’ve seen close-ups of her tummy and there are no stretch marks. So I’d say she miscarried by the fourth month. I didn’t want to ask her. I could tell it was a touchy subject for her.

As of yet, not one single person commented on the link I left to me singing. I guess I must really suck, LOL. Hey, it was the best I could do by phone. Still, I was hoping people would at least say something even if it was to tell me it sucked.

The rat is continuing to deteriorate and I can’t figure out for the life of me how it is he’s managed to stay alive this long.

Tom didn’t learn anything new at work yesterday but he takes that as a good sign. Like the supervisor is going through the mandatory motions of interviewing everyone he doesn’t want for the job first. We hope so anyway. Over the next few weeks or less, he’s either gonna get hired on, given one of the positions he put in for but still as a temp, or he’ll be laid off.

Haven’t heard from the drama queen since she tried to tell me mom and dad told her to “give me what she wants.” Damn, I hope that’s not true! I don’t think it is and neither does Tom. Honestly, I’d rather my folks’ money be divvied up evenly between ALL 3 of us even if it meant Larry’s child-woman got some of it than for Tammy to get it all. Or most of it.

The rain is back but I don’t know if Jesse is.

Later…

It still amazes me just how much German I’ve learned even if I’m far from fluent and my grammar is still shaky. And I never “meant” to either. It is my one and only unplanned language, but I have found that most of the best things in life are unplanned anyway. Less than two years ago I knew about half a dozen German words. I never had the desire to learn the language and never found it pretty or interesting in any way. Then one day one article and one person I never met halfway around the world changed all that. Funny how these things happen. The not-so-funny part is that the more I concentrate on German and neglect my other languages, the more it hurts those other languages. I had to stop and think when saying something in Spanish earlier and I find that learning multiple languages can both help and confuse each other. Sometimes it’s hard to keep them separated. I’ll start to say something in one language and accidentally throw in a word from another language. I always wished I was one who could concentrate on perfecting one language and one language only, but instead I’m a real variety freak. I think if most people knew I spoke 5 languages and understood 4 more they would think I was utterly mad, LOL.

I feel so bad for my ratty. He’s getting weaker by the minute and is just totally deteriorating. I don’t think he’ll last another week. He can barely lift his poor little head and keep his eyes open. He’s wasting away since he doesn’t have the energy to eat.

I was really damn glad to be fit, strong and flexible a little while ago. I sprayed some air freshener and this Febreze stuff leaves a slick residue on the floor with the way it sprays a mist, unlike a powdery blast like Glade does. And yes, I’m going back to Glade after the Febreze is gone. It’s still the BEST line and the cheapest, I think. Anyway, even though I had my sneakers on my right foot started to slide out in front of me. I couldn’t pull that leg back in so, I ended up shifting my body so I was facing the tub, placed my hands on the side of it and ended up going down with my knees bent and my butt between my feet, a position I’ve always been able to sit in all my life whereas most people can only sit that way with their feet underneath their butts and not to the sides of it. Not a single bruise on me. I probably would’ve been hurt if I were tall or out of shape.

Maybe Dad is looking out for me, too. I’ll really wonder if Tom gets one of those positions at work. Yet as much as I wish Dad could return, things are going better for us and Nane has returned. I understand, though, that if she could dump me once, she could dump me twice and never come back, like I told Andy, but sometimes you gotta just take chances and enjoy the ride while it lasts. Not sure I’d want to go to the extremes he would, especially since I’m not single, but he thinks long-distance relationships suck cuz I can’t know if she smells, eats with her mouth open, has bad breath, bites her nails, etc. LOL, as I told him, if she does half these things then I’m even happier to keep her at a distance, though I can usually just ask her what I want to know. I understand his reasoning, though, especially for a single person.

If Nane suddenly showed up at the door I wouldn’t hesitate to let her in. So it isn’t that I wouldn’t want to meet her; it’s that I wouldn’t want potential trouble so close to home. Besides, that kind of spoils the fantasy when you try to make it a reality. Better to leave some things to the imagination sometimes. Reality is rarely what we imagine, hope or fantasize it to be anyway.

I think another reason I hesitate to meet women on the side is that I worry I might have a hard time separating my feelings from sex. I wouldn’t want to get too attached. I know my feelings for one person wouldn’t and couldn’t detract from my feelings for Tom, but he is my reality and I find it works best for me if I just keep the two separate. So Nane will remain forever in cyberspace and stories where she is much easier to control.

If it was someone I didn’t know but found attractive, that actually might be easier than doing it with Nane cuz I do have a degree of feelings for Nane. It’s hard not to after all we’ve shared about our lives and all that.

And since I’m not the sociable type, where would I meet these women? Looking for love/lust is like looking for objects. Seek and you shall NOT find. At least it’s always been that way for me. I always find things around here when I’m not looking for them. Just about all those I’ve had relationships with or just sex was unplanned “accidents,” including Tom. I wasn’t even looking for a relationship at the time, let alone a guy. I just figured I’d have an occasional one-nighter with women throughout my life.

I hate to say it since it may sound stereotypical, but most people who go to bars or join dating services are NOT the kinds of people I want to be dealing with, even just for sex. I seem to have had a thing for foreign chicks anyway for the last few years, LOL. But if an “accident” happens that isn’t crazy or ugly, I just might take a chance even if I probably shouldn’t.

Well, our dicklord up the hill is back from wherever the hell he went based on the ATV I just heard. Now he’s really making up for lost time zooming back and forth up the hill. Just what is he doing??? This isn’t the dirt bike the kid sometimes gets on my nerves with, it’s definitely the ATV. Why do I have a feeling he’ll be down here any time now?

Some of Nane’s auto-corrected typos lately crack me up. Reminds me of Maliheh and how we were talking one night and all of a sudden I’d get something like: Sammy and I are running through glass doors.

I was like, WTF? Who’s Sammy and what do you mean you’re running through glass doors?

Speaking of Maliheh, I wonder what’s up with her? I hope she’s been getting my messages and was able to follow the singing link ok. Dani on Thoughts really loved my voice (I still think I’m just ok) so I know it’s working.

LOL, Nane just said don’t take it personally, I sound sweet, she can’t sing at all, but my writing is a lot better than my singing. She’s right on with that one! Still, I guess it’s a matter of opinion and I do appreciate her honesty.

Mitch just told me in Spanish I have the voice of an angel and I think Nane is now officially drunk, LOL. Just like I could tell when Andy would be high before he quit the weed, I can tell by Nane’s typing when she’s drunk.

I have had no desire to work on my book. I guess I’m officially retired as a creative writer or about to embark on a long leave of absence. Seems the only type of writing I’m up for these days is in my journal.

TUESDAY, MARCH 27, 2012
Nane sent me a picture in a PM of herself climbing rocks and hunting for shells and pebbles on a Turkish beach. I like it. :)

She didn’t say why, but she’s staying at a friend’s place for a few days. The friend has 2-year-old girl twins. Ugh! She says they wear glasses and are cute but keep you busy. They’d drive me batshit crazy, no doubt, LOL.

Tom feels much better than he did yesterday and is pretty sure he just had some kind of stomach bug. I’m glad he’s over it. Hopefully, there won’t be something else right around the corner. Poor guy seems to have one thing after another lately.

He also agrees Jesse’s gone somewhere. Not only was our Internet bill in the mailbox but so was one of his, suggesting someone came by and tossed it in there when they went to feed the mutts. I just hope he’s back soon. When he takes off, I’m the one that’s got to deal with it. Then again, when he does return he’ll only replace the mutts with himself and his loud vehicles. Those are harder to drown out with sound machines, too.

I left a voice post on LJ of me singing in Spanish and shared the link with Nane, Maliheh, Andy, Eileen, Christine, and Alison. It was just a quick verse and not overly good sound quality-wise since it was recorded over the phone, but it’s still ok.

MONDAY, MARCH 26, 2012
It’s raining now even though it’s not supposed to. But that’s a good thing because while I’m sure I’ll have to hear at least some barking today, maybe he’ll hold off on bulldozing as much as the drive needs it. It’s only going to rain again during the last part of the week anyway. Or so they say.

I wish I had something interesting to update on, but it’s pretty much all a waiting game from here on out. I’ve decided that once we learn either way whether or not he gets hired on or laid off, I’ll let my closest friends know in a PM and not in any of my blogs. It’s just that I feel that blogging should be about my business and not the business of others. Within reason anyway.

Later…

So some guy in England, after spending just 7 seconds on my Thoughts profile page, goes and friends me even though I said on my wall there that I won’t accept friend requests from those I haven’t talked to before. Of all the features on that site, disabling friend requests isn’t one of them. Then again, neither is it on MyOpera.

I wish Facebook let you know when your messages are picked up like MySpace does so I could at least know if Nane’s read them. There’s been no activity on her page yet, though she’s most active online late at night. Still, I don’t expect to hear from her for a day or two.

I wonder about her and the guy she’s with. She seems to do absolutely nothing online during weekends unless he leaves earlier than usual and it makes me wonder (and worry a bit) if he’s some kind of control freak. I’d hate to think that he’s the jealous type and that’s not the impression my dreams leave me with nor does it seem anything she’d put up with, but who am I to know for sure? I don’t know the guy. Maybe they’re just so head over heels for each other that they really don’t want to do anything else or bother with anyone else, but it’s still something I wonder about at times. I hope for her sake he really is a good guy and that their relationship lasts forever. She and I could never be together (other than just for intimate encounters) even if she lived right down the street. Therefore, I hope someone else can truly love her and be there for her even if they never live together or anything like that.

Poor Tom might be sick again, this time with a stomach bug. He hasn’t had the runs or thrown up, but he’s got stomach pains, has been going from hot to cold, was coughing in his sleep, and wonders if he has a fever. My first thought was that something was trying to screw him out of being interviewed (I think that’s today or tomorrow) but he’s sure he’ll be ok as lousy as he feels. I hope so! We could know as soon as Wednesday if he gets hired, but might not know it for several weeks if he gets laid off. They’re not going to lay anyone off while they’re still busy.

Kim checked out my Thoughts blog yesterday like crazy, accessing almost every entry as if she were looking for something. I asked her about it and she said she was just looking to see if the troll had returned. Couldn’t she just ask me? I think she was looking to see if I mentioned her. She’s sort of been lying to Aly and I. She once complained about not having money and I thought to myself, well, she may not be the brightest, and she may even be a little on the naïve side for 31, but she’s able-bodied enough despite being ghastly overweight. So I asked if she was going to get a job. At one point I misunderstood her and thought she’d recently gotten a job, but then I noticed she never went into any detail about it and was vague. Never said what it is she does, what her hours are – nothing. Even Aly tried to fish it out of her, figuring she’d want to brag at least a little about her first paying job, even though she doesn’t drive and doesn’t live near a bus system, and finally, she said she was just a helper. This probably means just helping her mom who is a diabetic and has health problems, but at least that’s something.

I then remembered making the comment to Kim, when we were discussing the troll’s laziness, that it bothered me when those who are capable of working just sat on their asses. So that may be why she’s letting us think she works, though according to Aly, she’s collecting social security. I didn’t know this. I thought she was living off her folks, so I guess it’s good that she’s at least got some money of her own.

Aly said she’s got 3 other siblings and as much as she hates to say it, only one of them seems “normal.” Two are in group homes with the mentality of a 5-year-old, and Kim seems to be not all there based on how she types and the things she says and does. Aly finds it a bit creepy that she’s really into managing fan sites and roleplaying, pretending to be other people, and well, the stuff we usually do in our teens and twenties, LOL.

Speaking of the troll, Aly’s worried that when she finally does return it will be with a vengeance. This is the longest she hasn’t harassed anyone, but it’s because she hasn’t been online. The two do go hand in hand. If she’s online, she’s harassing people. But what we don’t get is how her mom’s managing to keep her away as strong-willed as the troll can be. Sooner or later they’re going to look the other way or she’s going to get sick of being controlled, right? As Aly said, though, too much time offline can make her just as angry as too much time online can. She’s going to be spewing hate like crazy when she does get back. I don’t give a damn what she says about me, but I know others would prefer not to be trashed and bashed online, especially with their full names involved. Either way, I don’t know what to think at this point. If it weren’t for that one post left on the 17th to say she’s been busy reading and walking to Kmart, almost as if she just wanted people to know she was still alive and wasn’t in the funny farm, I would think she was in the funny farm or jail.

I don’t know what the Internet will be like in 20-30 years, but I fear that when her parents get too old to babysit her, that’s when she’ll be at her worst. You simply cannot “uncrazy” a crazy person. You can help a troubled person, but not one who’s genuinely sick in the head with no concept of right or wrong.

The more I think about what Tammy told me about being told to give me what she wants, the more I realize just how full of shit she is. Shame on her for thinking I’m that dumb that I wouldn’t think it sounded fishy as hell, but I agree with Tom, she just wants to get me going. My parents have been mean and a lot of other things, but they’re definitely not dumb. They wouldn’t just trust her like that. Also, the lawyer has to contact those in the will to tell them what they’re getting, so if I’m to get 10K and I only get a check for 5K, I’ll know I’ve been ripped off. I still don’t think I’ll get anything, though. Just isn’t meant to be, but that’s ok as long as we can pay for the necessities. Neither of us wants to ever own anything again other than our car and personal stuff. No houses, no businesses, nothing like that.

I’m beginning to wonder if either something happened to Jesse or if he took off somewhere for a while because the barking has been way worse since last Thursday. Also, the weather may not be Harley-worthy, but why haven’t I heard that old truck? Yet there’s been nothing from him, only his mutts. And they don’t just sound scared to be alone, as usual, but there’s a sense of abandonment in their barks. Yelling at them didn’t do me any good and I had to throw on my sound machine. Typical of Westerners or not, I still don’t see how most human beings would find this acceptable.

I really, REALLY hope this isn’t an issue in an adult community and that it isn’t incessant or frequent there, and yes, there is a difference. So what if the dog next door barks just a few times if it does it 6-12 times a day. I just hope there are no issues with age, credit or anything else that could prevent us from getting in.

Worst case scenario we save to buy some old dump in a trailer park cuz then we’d at least own it outright and not have to worry about payments. Then we could have some control over what happened when and do what we want with it. That’s the only thing I don’t like about renting is having to ask permission if we wanted to paint, wallpaper, etc. Makes me feel like a kid again. But I don’t want to own if it can’t be all paid for.

SUNDAY, MARCH 25, 2012
The fucking dogs have been going off since I got up, and Tom will be off to work in a few hours. Meanwhile, I’m feeling many things right now. I’m hopeful for Tom getting a permanent position this week, though afraid to get that hopeful. I’m excited about the thought of moving, though trying not to get too excited. I’m determined to get back on the treadmill and get some of this damn weight off, though not too optimistic in that department. I’m happy to think and fantasize about Nane and her lovely smile that shows off her high cheekbones, but sorry I can never meet her.

I’m longing to dump my sister, but hesitant to do so for mom’s sake. As Tom pointed out, my mom may be a bitch, but even those who aren’t nice deserve a break after losing their husband of 62 years. Well, as soon as mom joins him on the other side I will be quick to wash my hands of what remains of my fucked up “family.”

I can’t wait! I just can’t fucking wait! Right or wrong, I am sooo sick of the family bullshit and I can’t wait to forever walk away from all the bickering and the horrible memories. I walked away for 10 years for a reason and if what happened hadn’t happened to us in 2007, I wouldn’t have called my folks at all. But desperate people do desperate things in desperate situations. And Tom and I were certainly desperate at the time. It doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate my parents saving our asses like they did, and I’m not going to “re-dump” my mother. Just the siblings and extended family once mom goes. Then again, there is no brother or extended family to dump since I’m not in touch with them anyway. It’s just the sister I gotta be concerned with. My sister, who is as mean and vindictive as she is sweet and kind, depending on if she’s pissed at you or not. She’d be the first to come running if I were suddenly drowning in quicksand. But she’d also be the first to toss me right into it if she was pissed at me, and that’s scary. Fortunately, all she managed to do was stress me out and annoy me the last time she got pissed at me in 2009 because she didn’t know where we live (and get herself a lifelong illness thanks to my influencing ability). Yeah, people get sick that piss me off even if I don’t want them to. Anyway, had she known where we were she’d have called the cops with some bullshit and sent them to our door. It wouldn’t have done her any good in the end once they saw we hadn’t done anything, but still, I feel like I’m walking on eggshells with this bitch and that’s nothing anyone should put up with if they don’t have to. I don’t have to right now, but I choose to for mom’s sake, and just in case we may get a little something when she dies. If I dump her now she’ll go running to Mom about it, then Mom will get on my ass since Tammy will make up a million lies along the way instead of saying that I simply walked away from her, and my mother and I don’t need that shit.

Tom pointed out that she could be lying about the will just to push my buttons. He reminded me that a will is a legal document drawn up by a lawyer and so it’s very important that they be very specific in how it’s worded. In other words, a lawyer can’t simply write: Cut the oldest kid out and let the middle kid give the younger kid whatever she wants.

I still don’t expect much if anything at all that would go against the “plan.” Therefore, I expect to always live in NorCal and I definitely don’t expect to buy a house, but I wouldn’t want to do that without being able to buy it outright anyway.

It makes no sense, though. Again, why would she worry about Larry getting anything if she knew he’d been cut from the will a few years ago? If what she says is true, what the hell were my parents thinking when they told her to give me what she wants?! Like she’d give me shit? Yeah, right! She’d keep it all for herself if she could and so would I. I ain’t gonna lie about that one. We’re all naturally selfish that way.

Even if she did decide to be generous enough to float me a tiny chunk of the 50 or so grand she’ll probably get to keep all for herself, I hate to give her whatever address we’re at at the time. I really do. And I know she’s going to try to hunt me down online when she sees I’ve “disappeared,” so I’ll close as many ports as I can. I didn’t know about blog sites that let you block messages back in 2009, but since that’s a more common feature now on most sites, I’ll make sure I only blog on sites she can’t harass me on cuz if she reads any of this shit you bet she’ll try! She isn’t going to care that I don’t use last names. Just as long as she knows I’m talking about her, that’ll be enough to light the bitch’s fuse, though I won’t deny the idea of her one day reading this amuses me. If she does.

We may never be rich in money but we will always be rich in love and so people like Tom, Nane, Andy, Alison and other friends really help to make up for the family that has basically treated me like shit since day one.

SATURDAY, MARCH 24, 2012
Got a reply to Tammy’s message asking if she had any idea what we could expect as far as inheritance goes and I did not like her answer. After she again bitched about Larry and how Lisa blasted him out when she was in Florida with her for a few days, and how her other kids called him and his bitch every name in the book for what he “thinks she did to him years ago,” she told me Larry had been cut out of the will as of a few years ago and hasn’t been added back in that she knows of. She also claims she has no idea how much money they have and that she was told to give me what she wanted.

Give me what she wanted?! Were my folks out of their mind when they said this?! I like the idea of the pervert being locked out of it if that’s even true, but how could they be dumb enough to trust her?! And why would they cut their own son out? Then again, isn’t that a dumb question to be asking? I mean, how could they send their own daughter away and do the things they’ve done to all their kids, right?

So, in other words, I ain’t getting shit if they really think they can trust her to “give me what she wants.” Come on, we’re only human. She ain’t gonna wanna share or give me shit. I wouldn’t give her anything. Maybe material things I didn’t want and couldn’t sell, but that’s about it.

But why would she talk about keeping the pervie away from mom’s money even if it meant going to court if she knew he’d been written out of the will? Either way, Tammy is totally untrustworthy and a habitual liar, and if it really is true that my parents entrusted the bitch to just give me what she wants, we ain’t getting shit. But deep down I knew this and that any significant money would be against the “plan.” You know, the one where we’re meant to be poor most of our lives. But as long as we have enough to pay for necessities, extra money isn’t overly important cuz we don’t intend to buy a place.

It’s hard to believe she has no idea how much money they have, though. But like I said, no matter what it is, it looks like she’ll get it all. There’s no way she’d be honest about it. Hell, I wouldn’t be. The only thing I like is the idea of the pedophile and child-woman with God knows what kind of daddy issues, as Aly said, being cut out.

Ok, so am I really wrong to assume we won’t get shit? Tom said not to read too much into it or jump the gun, but I know what’s in and not in our cards for the most part. Love is, money isn’t. So just like we could with his own parents’ inheritance, the potential partnership in Oregon, the program he wrote, and God knows what else, we can kiss the prospect of money goodbye. Little will they ever know that being poor does have its advantages even if we’re not quite there right now.

Later…

Tom’s out grocery shopping now and I finished the laundry.

The rat is still alive but is blind and seems to be only able to eat soft foods. So he is eating after all. He came out of his burrow for a drink, but all he does is sleep for the most part. No more coming to the door to be let out, no more fidgeting in his cage. It’s sad.

Even though my weight is still up, my inches are down a bit. What I don’t get is why my boobies are still sore after my period? They feel like they’re going to burst through my bra. This is unusual for me.

And why didn’t I have any dreams about the car crash Andy was in yesterday? Thankfully he’s ok. Apparently, his brakes failed and he plowed through someone’s garage and really demolished it. Tons of heavy shit fell onto the car. It wasn’t his regular car, though. It was his mother’s station wagon that he uses for canning. Everybody couldn’t wait to see the damage once the car was towed, but amazingly it only had a few dents and scratches! So his mom’s insurance will pay for the garage and all he has to do is pay for the damage to the car, which hopefully won’t be too hard on him. I’m just glad he’s ok!

Strangely enough, while I didn’t have any bad dreams about him, I “saw” the vase Nane bought and “Jim’s” height in a dream where we went to a fair and she got this vase.

She also cracked me up earlier saying my German was quite ok, but my Turkish was lousy. LOL, that it is. The two words I may know I only learned by accident from her.

She flattered me by saying she likes my writing style. This is a compliment from anyone, but when it comes from someone you’re crushing on it doubles the pleasure. :)

Last week they talked about Tom working Saturday, but that never happened. This week, however, he’s working Sunday (tomorrow). That’s all well and good as we like the extra money, but we REALLY hope he gets that job. No bad vibes, visions or dreams on my part, but hey, not everyone like me “sees” it all. According to him, the area he’s hoping to get into is secure. Meaning it makes up for ¾ of the place and wouldn’t be in danger of being shut down. He still says we’d be ok if he did get laid off and reminded me that the license, insurance and what will soon be hopefully our last propane fill-up, will be expenses that will be out of the way, leaving everything else for food, rent, gas, internet and savings. The goal is to get the hell out in July, August at the latest, and to do this it would greatly help for him not to be laid off, then stuck with a minimum wage job God knows how many more weeks/months later.

If what Tammy says is true I’m so fucking pissed even though it’s no surprise. I’m tempted to walk away from her now, but then I REALLY wouldn’t get anything. At least if I play nicey-nicey just a little longer until mom goes, maybe then she’ll at least be “generous” enough to share a grand or two.

The only disturbing dream I had isn’t really all that disturbing because it was so off the wall and didn’t involve the freeloaders. I guess someone from kindergarten tried to frame me for something they did, LOL. They used my name (like they would remember it even if I still used my maiden name) and I was pleading with them on the phone to tell the pigs the truth or else I could end up on probation for the rest of my life.

Later…

Ok, this is freaky. Really fucking freaky. And hopefully not some evil omen of some kind either. A character in the book I’m reading, though not a lead character, has the same name as the pig that screwed me. And he’s a pig! Only he’s pigging in Florida in the book.

FRIDAY, MARCH 23, 2012
Boy, did I get a real treat for the eyes yesterday when Nane changed her profile picture on Facebook for the first time since we met a year and a half ago. :) Andy said he didn’t like the picture because it’s blurry and she’s looking downward, but I think it’s great. It’s not clear enough to show any wrinkles and she looks very happy in it. Love how her hair looked too, even though it’s wavy. Don’t know if it’s natural, though. She might actually have straight hair. I also think her natural color may be dark brown and not light brown.

I asked and she confirmed she’s been wearing contacts for years. I figured she couldn’t have perfect vision to go with her perfect body. Nobody’s that blessed, LOL.

The dogs ended up barking for over 5 hours. But we’ll still get to live where we don’t have to hear other people’s dogs someday after having to listen to them for 20 years, right?

Customary here or not, I cannot deal with many more years of getting hit with 6-8 hours of barking once or twice a week. I simply cannot! If we end up stuck here or end up moving to the same old shit, we’ve got to do something. A cyber-friend said she had the same problem with her own landlord till she complained and the landlord was told to either shut them up or get rid of them. Well, since most people wouldn’t dare bring their dogs indoors and make them part of the family, he opted to just get rid of them.

But this was a whole ‘nother state. My landlord has already been officially complained on, probably by whoever’s behind him, and look what good it’s done. In the West, all he would have to tell those who are supposed to make people think their responsibility as a dog owner ends when they go out is, “I do my best to quiet them when I’m home, but when I’m not home there’s nothing I can do about it.”

That’s the lame crap he told us. But there IS something he could do about it. If he’s that against the thought of making them household pets, he could at least muzzle the fucking mutts. There are muzzles that will still allow them to eat and drink somewhat. Or what about anti-barking collars? But this cock doesn’t give a shit about anyone but himself and so the people either gave up or moved. And if they moved, chances are the new people have dogs that are doing the same thing since that’s what most people do out here; they leave their dogs outside like yesterday’s trash and to hell with their neighbors. But this rudeness is widely accepted and tolerated in the West. The barking doesn’t even bother Tom. As a western native, he grew up with this shit. Well, I didn’t! And I don’t expect it’ll do us any good in this state, but I fully do intend to call the complaint line anonymously if we get stuck here. After all this time I don’t see how he would suspect we’re the ones that called.

I suspect he goes to bars when he takes off from around 7:30 - 8:30 and doesn’t return till after 2am. At his age, I doubt he’s going out to meet anyone, and he’s never seemed to want that anyway. He seems to really like being alone, especially after complaining about having “too many wives” in the past and how they all stole his money.

The good Jessie, the female one that’s been my friend since childhood messaged me yesterday and told me Renting Ginny is great so far. She’s been reading it as time permits. She says she can’t wait to find out what happens next. I’m glad she likes it cuz other than sharing with friends I’ve totally failed as an author.

THURSDAY, MARCH 22, 2012
This is the third or fourth day I haven’t worked out, thanks to allergies and the cramps I should’ve gotten yesterday and not today. Tom probably had a case of bad allergies as opposed to a cold since I haven’t had anything other than allergies. I had to take a Benadryl for it, and at 8:30 when it was just about ready to knock me out for a nap, the dogs went off. When Jesse didn’t come out and shut them up, I figured he ran out somewhere. But when I woke up at nearly 11pm, they were still going crazy so no getting any peace tonight. Fucking bastard won’t be back till the wee hours of the morning knowing him. But why tonight? He rarely goes out on a Thursday night. I hope the little cock doesn’t go out on both Friday and Saturday nights as well!

And so I found myself asking the same question I’ve been asking for 20 years now – am I ever going to live where I don’t have to listen to other people’s dogs???

I still worry something up there is going to undo all we’ve worked so hard to build up by having him laid off. This will be a good test, I guess, as to just how much Dad may be looking out for us cuz nothing else usually does. I don’t want to think negatively but I don’t want to get my hopes up either. Even Tom says he doesn’t want to get overconfident and he’s usually a pretty optimistic person. He also swears getting laid off won’t be a big setback for us since we’re getting things paid off now. Instead of paying every few months, he paid the entire year of car insurance off. The weather will be warming up soon enough so we won’t need to run the heat. Plus, he says it shouldn’t be more than a few weeks till he got something new now that the economy is better.

I disagree. If God lets him get laid off it’s for a reason and that can only be to set us back. I think it would take more than just a few weeks to get another job and that God would make sure unexpected things came up to set us back.

I still wonder if we’re gonna be stuck here forever unless we practically drop everything, take only the bare necessities and what we can fit in the car, and then run. Just not sure where we would run to and what we would do to get by till he got a job. I just know I don’t want to keep going through this cycle of bullshit till he retires. No, we wouldn’t be even remotely close to desperate if he got laid off cuz we could collect unemployment. But we don’t want to “collect.” I didn’t come here to be a bum and neither did he. I’m tired of God, fate, society and other things beyond our control deciding what we can be and what’s meant for us. We want to be in the driver’s seat of our own life for once!

But a permanent position, as rare as they are these days, doesn’t necessarily grant you any more security. Not if that job has the threat of not being around indefinitely. If they’re shutting down the area he’s working in now they could shut down any other area as well. Yet there are no guarantees in life no matter what you do. If you have your own business, your customers aren’t guaranteed. If you work for someone else, their customers aren’t guaranteed either. Everyone’s always at risk.

It seems just about everyone has been affected by the economy somehow, including my folks. Their biggest mistake was overspending. No doubt about it. My mom is a very materialistic woman who loves to shop and I think they blew the bulk of their inheritance living too high off the hog. But as Dad said when the economy was at its worst, they couldn’t even save and what they could save had to go to medical expenses not covered by Medicare. I doubt she’s living paycheck to paycheck now that Dad’s expenses are gone and the economy’s picking up, but who knows how much they owe on things and what medical costs she could be looking at? I doubt she’ll sell the store till she absolutely has to. By then she’ll probably sell the condo too, and either go live with someone else or in some kind of assisted living program for seniors.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 21, 2012
While things are looking up for us, things are looking down for our rat. We still can’t figure out what’s wrong with him. At first I thought he was just arthritic since he is old. It started with him walking funny. He sort of hopped like a bunny. Then he started wasting away and I thought it was cancer. But none of this explains the blindness and his constant movements. Rats are normally pretty animated, but no rat of ours has ever been this fidgety. Whatever it is seems to be affecting his mouth because he’d always lick our hand when we’d pat his head and he doesn’t even do that anymore. He just wanders blindly around his cage, not eating and not wanting to come out anymore. Where is he getting the energy to be this active if he’s not eating? He’s practically starving himself. All we can be sure of is that he’s never going to get over what he’s got, and if he did he still couldn’t have much more time left due to his age.

We looked up home euthanasia remedies for small animals to save money and to let him go in familiar surroundings without some stranger poking and prodding at him. This involves a mixture of baking soda and vinegar. However, we’re not convinced he’s actually suffering in any way so we’re not going to bother preparing a kit. Why take what time he has left even though he doesn’t have much of a life? He can’t see, he can’t eat, he can’t do anything. The worst-case scenario is that he’s depressed and frustrated but definitely doesn’t appear to be suffering.

The troll thing is getting stranger by the minute. Yes, I love the break I’ve been getting from her which is part of why I went “underground” and the others don’t miss her either. But since when has her mother ever watched her this closely? It makes me wonder what’s up, but obviously she wasn’t locked up anywhere since before making the last quick post a few days ago unless she chose not to mention it for some reason and that’s hard to believe. It’s nice to know she’s at least gone from harassing people to reading and walking to Kmart like she said she’s been busy doing since she’s too lazy to get a job.

This part can’t go online cuz knowing how twisted the laws are and how warped the pig’s priorities are, I’d say that yeah, they’re reading everything I post. Wouldn’t want them to consider trying to sue me for God knows what if they think we’ve suddenly got a lot of money and they can’t get me on anything criminal (next month I should have a better idea of this), even though that’d be civil court and not criminal court, and I highly doubt the black bitch would have the money to hire a lawyer anyway. But the troll’s parents seem like they might so that’s part of why I started omitting real names, even if they were just first names. After all, they offered to pay for me to “consult” with a lawyer, remember?

There was a meeting at work that Tom said was almost too good to be true. I guess it was headed by some lady connected with Human Resources. Anyway, the meeting consisted of him, another lady who’s a temp, and a permanent guy who’s been there 5 years. Could’ve been more people, but that’s all I remember him mentioning. The woman said to Tom and the other lady, “I could call the temp company now and tell them your assignment has ended, but we’re just so impressed with the work you’ve done that we really want to try to get you other jobs.”

So Tom mentioned that he put in for Handler 3 (the highest of that position) and the other temp wants TRO (I forgot what that stands for). What was weird is that the permanent who’d been there 5 years wants Handler 2. So even though he’s been there longer and is a permanent, he wants a job under Tom, who’s still a temp and has only been there half a year? LOL, again life ain’t fair. It’s just nice when it’s not fair in our favor for once.

The Human Resources lady pulled him aside and told him the supervisor in the Handler 3 department wanted him for the job which he already knew, but that the supervisor was still told by his higher-up that he still had to accept apps, and then he could choose.

So unless something is hell-bent on teasing the hell out of us, it looks very promising for him, though I wouldn’t expect a raise. Insurance, yes, but not a raise since he already makes a lot of money. In fact, from what he can tell he’s just about the highest-paid employee there.

TUESDAY, MARCH 20, 2012
I am trying to think of the good things I have going for me in life instead of the things that piss me off so damn much that I just had to pump iron like I did just now with my resistance bands to try to work some of this steam off.

Oh, before I get to the more important and better things and people in my life, as God would have it (what a coincidence) I can’t collect disability for any kind of disability because I didn’t work enough quarters in the past to be eligible, so we’ve learned. One more thing to resent God for and that convinces me He doesn’t want me generating any on my own. I can sell things, I can win things, and I can make a few bucks here and there as long as it’s slave wages, but nothing more. This both saddens and infuriates me. But like it or not, the idea of “disability” is for those who can “no longer” work. What we can’t figure out is what the hell kind of disability I was on when I was young. I know I got on it through my father and that it may have had to do with his heart or my ear, but there’s got to have been more to it than that. I will admit that there are more important things going on right now anyway.

On to better things, and that’s hoping that one of these permanent positions comes through and he won’t have to take a pay cut. Not much of one anyway. I also hope whatever they offer for insurance and dental is affordable too, and that we get the hell out of Trailerville. Yes, a trashy old trailer is better than the streets, but I feel both insulted and humiliated to know that this is all God has felt we deserved for so long. At least we don’t seem to be towards the top of His hate list lately. When you get the sadness of losing dad and the family drama out of the picture, life is actually going quite well. It was even quiet today despite being mostly sunny and dry, though I’ll admit I didn’t get up till 3pm. What sucks is knowing I’ll probably be on days when Jesse gets to bulldozing the drive, but boy does it need it.

Amazingly, the rat is still alive. I still don’t think he’ll make a full recovery, though, due to his age. He’s definitely, if not totally blind, then partially blind. He’s moving around more in his cage but still doesn’t eat much or want to come out anymore. I’m guessing that’s because he can’t see well. He’s not even fat anymore and has probably lost half his body weight. I doubt he even weighs a pound now. I went down a couple of pounds, too.

My German hottie and I have decided to write to each other in German. Well, I may mix both English and German, LOL, depending on how long/important it is or if I’m pressed for time. Still have to look up words here and there, but that’s how you learn.

Apparently, I talked her into switching to a Timeline profile. I know some people consider them a bit cluttered, but I like them way better. It’s much more organized and I love changing cover photos every few days. In fact, it’s time to change it again!

Later…

Although I don’t have any bad vibes and haven’t had any bad dreams, you would think that given our past history, we should have every reason to worry right now. I didn’t realize it was so all or nothing where Tom’s job is concerned. I thought they were just moving his department, but nope. They’re shutting it down completely. This means that if he isn’t hired on for one of the jobs he applied for, we’ll be back on unemployment for the FORTH time in less than 5 years in about a month from now unless he can find something else before then. But God couldn’t really hate us that much, right?

Yeah, yeah, I know. Who the hell am I kidding by thinking He’s looking out for us after all the nightmares we’ve already been through? Yes, He really could hate someone enough to see them lose their job yet again, end up back in the poorhouse, lose all their savings, and continue to be stuck in their trashy little trailer no matter how hard they try to get ahead and break away. And why not? He’s let worse things happen to others.

But despite the fact that Tom says he’s pretty sure the chances of him getting laid off is 10% or less since the supervisor who does the choosing already told him he wanted him for one of the positions he put in for, now is when God would pick on us. The “stage” is totally set based on past patterns/experiences. The timing is right, the savings is right, and it’s always right when we start to get ahead that He yanks the carpet from underneath us. He doesn’t have to do it again. Instead, He could see to it that Tom got one of the jobs and that we could continue to save and get the hell out of here. But I know I can’t count on or trust God or any other outer source to do well by us.

Like I said, though, the timing is perfect. This is usually right around when things fall apart based on how many months things have gone well and what our savings is like right now. If He’d let Tom be laid off a few months ago we wouldn’t have made it because we couldn’t get unemployment until April, and I’ve always suspected that while He may sure do a good job of making it look like we’re not going to make it, He wants us to live to suffer. Well, it’s just about April. So we would live if they laid him off. We probably wouldn’t suffer as badly as a year ago since the economy is picking up and he could probably get a job within a month or two, but that would still be quite a setback. Especially if all he could get was a minimum-wage job.

Tom said this all-or-nothing thing is actually a good thing cuz now he’s not left hanging to wonder if he’s going to get hired on or laid off. Next week, we’ll know for sure either way. And they’re not gonna lay him off the day they tell him they’re going to if they really do come out and tell him that. It’d be about a month.

He feels confident that he’ll not only get one of the jobs but that they’ll judge the applicants fairly based on experience and not how young or dark they are, because so many employers (of all colors) are so obsessed with “avenging” the past for the previously oppressed, giving them first dibs on everything. I guess all we can do is hope the supervisor who said he wanted him for that job will keep his word, and that we don’t get caught up in the same old endless cycle of alternating between unemployment and temp jobs that went on for 4 years. But it seems that the less deserving you are, the more breaks you get in life, and I always get suspicious when things go well for us. Meaning, I just get that too-good-to-be-true feeling. I wish I could just be happy when things go well, and I am, but I also fear there’s a catch to it. As I said before, I don’t mind if I’m destined to be poor all my life. But at least let us pay for the necessities and have some insurance for God’s sake! A real house would be nice too, instead of dumpy little trailers.

If he gets laid off we’ve got to get the hell out of this state. We’ve got to. Running won’t change our fate and make God show a little more love for us, but that may be the only way out of this trailer and to a permanent job, even if it pays shitty and the climate sucks. We couldn’t go to Florida because the job market there is pretty similar to here. We’d have Andy in Massachusetts and health/dental coverage, though with our shit luck, they would take that away the day we got there. MA is also more crowded than a place like Nebraska and so it would have a higher unemployment rate. Nebraska is probably where we’d go. It not only has the lowest unemployment rate there but Alison and Dustin would probably help us out till we got on our feet. We don’t have enough hotel money right now. Meaning, it wouldn’t last us long enough before he got a job and us unto a place. So with nowhere to go and not enough hotel money, we couldn’t just blindly run off without thinking it through first and without having someone to help us get started. Other than my sister, that is. Sure, she’d help us, and sure Tom could work with her husband in their little home improvement business. But then we’d be screwed as hell as soon as she got pissed at us for whatever. No thanks. :)

I’m hoping that the Italy trip I won is a sign that we’re meant to go on it because that would mean he’d be meant to get a permanent job this year because the trip is set to expire in 2014. Most trips you win give you a year to take them. But this one was 7 years. Could it be because we really are meant to take it? Well, they better give him a job if we are!

He’ll have to jump on the IRS and try to work out a payment plan with them if he does get a job. As a temp, they can’t take what we still owe. But as a permanent, they could wipe our bank accounts clean and help themselves to whatever. We’re not as important as those in other countries.

Later…

Been thinking and this whole pedophile/bimbo situation pisses the shit out of me. But I like to vent. Ah, a 58-year-old slut and his 21-year-old bimbo which he knocked up. But that’s not the issue. I don’t judge people for their lifestyle even if I disagree with it, and I do. BUT…if they want to screw up their lives and each other, let them. But the thought of them making off with some of my mom’s money when she goes REALLY pisses me off.

If the ped were still single or with Sandy it wouldn’t bother me as much unless he got more than I did or was rich. Sandy was one of the sweetest people you could ever know. Everybody loved her. Not one person in the family ever had anything bad to say about her. She was a very open, accepting, and all-around sweet person. She was easygoing and was always quick to compliment you and encourage you to go for your goals/dreams, far-fetched or not. I just can’t picture her cheating or being a “bad wife” in any way. All lust dies with time and age, all of it. Doesn’t mean you end up thinking the person’s ugly, but keeping the lust going forever is like keeping the same favorite song all your life. It just doesn’t usually work that way. So for Larry to throw away such a good person just because she got older (never got fat like most of us do, though) for a 20-second orgasm here and a 20-second orgasm there goes to show just how fucked in the head the bastard really is. Well, I want a 20-second orgasm too, dammit, with Nane, but then what? Throw true love away for this smoking, traveling partial bitch who won’t turn her music down? I don’t think so!

I would rather the ped and his bimbo win millions of dollars in the lottery than for this near stranger to get some of the family money. That’s what bothers me. Not where they live, not what they do. Most people would agree that 58 is too old and 21 is too young to have a kid, but that’s their prerogative. If the bimbo wants to be naïve enough to make the mistake of thinking the ped is suddenly faithful and capable of love, that’s her mistake to make. If the ped wants to leave a kid fatherless when it’s only around 20, let him. But mom might as well give a portion of her money to a stranger on the street if she’s going to give it to him, and thus to her as well if they’re still together when she goes. I still don’t think we’re getting more than a few grand each, and yeah, it’s mom’s money, but it still bothers me. This child-woman is simply not “family.” Not like her kids and the other spouses, though I don’t know about Mark. Knowing my sister’s fondness for abusive men I don’t know if he’s any more deserving than the child-woman. It’s just hard to believe mom wouldn’t leave something to the grandkids as well as her parents did, even if it’s only a grand or two. Well, if the pervert hits half a dozen more home runs before mom goes, that’s less money for those who deserve it and who may need it most. We’re the family underdogs most of the time, not them. I’d be willing to bet just about anything that they’re doing damn good for themselves even though I don’t know what the hell it is they’re doing and I don’t care. The world is twisted and unfair. But since no one’s gonna boot the bun out of the oven and castrate the ped, all I can do is hope the will excludes grandkids. The child-woman would get enough of it as it is.

I’m not as pissed as I was last night, though I am still pissed. My God was I pissed last night, though I’m amazed at just how much pumping iron released a lot of that steam. Based on the force and what it would equate to in weight as I shorted the resistance bands to near nothing, I had to have lifted around 200 pounds that’s how pissed I was.

LOL, since being back with Nane, Irene’s dumped me and I haven’t heard from Christiane.

Nane corrected my German, which I’m just about ready to give up on. I’ve learned a lot of vocabulary but I still keep fucking up my grammar.

She surprised me by telling me she once found a nest of mice on her balcony with 4-5 baby mice in it. All were dead but one. So she put it in a box and tried to save it by giving it a few drops of milk but it was dead when she returned from work. She felt sorry for it. I’m surprised she’d try to save it because usually when one doesn’t like rats, they’re usually afraid of them. And mice. But a baby mouse is a lot less scary to most people than a rat the size of a guinea pig.

Speaking of rats, just what in the world is mine doing??? He fidgets constantly. I’m amazed at all this movement given his condition, but I wish he’d settle down a bit more and not be so distracting.

Andy said his mom read the first 30 pages of my book but didn’t like it. Said it reminded her of Danielle Steele and she can’t get into that kind of thing. LOL, it’s the first time I’ve ever been compared to Danielle Steele, but no problem. We can’t be everyone’s cup of tea. It’s a good thing I didn’t print anything for her after all. I really figured she wouldn’t like my book.

He had sort of a backward dream where he went over to his mother’s place and found her dead in her bed. She’d been stabbed in the heart. But before she died she apparently tried to clean up the wound because there was dried blood in the bathroom sink. Then the dream showed how it happened and a girl approached her sliding glass door. Well, the “girl” was really me and I guess I’m the one that stabbed her. Andy said it was a terrifying dream that seemed so real and he couldn’t figure out why I would do such a thing. LOL, his mom’s quite a likable lady. A bit gossipy at times like my own mom, but I’ve always liked her.

Like most women my age, I’ve got some gray in my hair. But dying it is frying the hell out of it so bad that it would look horrible long. So I guess I’ll have to decide what I want most – long and gray or short and brown. Maybe I should keep letting it grow but just not dye it as often.

MONDAY, MARCH 19, 2012
Did some digging out of curiosity on the brother-fucker’s child-woman. Couldn’t find much cuz the two are apparently rather private.

I still don’t know if the “great-grandchild” mentioned in the obit was Jen’s kid or even if Jen really does have a kid, but I was wrong in assuming the brother-fucker and his child-woman already had a kid and were still in MA. The child-woman is “counting down the days till Larry holds their newborn” so she said on a site that suggests she is beyond obsessed with the idea of having a kid. Also, last fall they moved to the Ft. Lauderdale area south of my mother, which explains why he could spend so much time at her place. This was because it was “best for their relationship.” Yeah, I would think so if I’d been committing statutory rape for many years. I would think the child-woman’s family would be on her ass big time about being with someone nearly 30 years older and that would leave her widowed at around my age if they get married, not that he would stay with her that long. I know Larry, a happily admitted slut who’s had a million affairs just while he was with Sandy alone. As soon as she gets a little older, he’ll drop her like a hot potato. This girl is young and naïve in every sense of the word. If he couldn’t be faithful to anyone else, why would he be to her? Or is she just too stupid to realize just what a slut he is? And while we may not be able to help those we love, and some would rather take some time with them than no time, why would you want a baby whose father will be dead when it’s only around 20?

The child-woman looks eerily like a young Sandy; dark and plain. Her FB profile is almost all private with no method of contact present. This doesn’t surprise me as I really think the perve not only abandoned Sandy but his daughter as well. With the exception of sex, he’s always preferred the company of his own gender and I really think he favored Larry Jr. over Jen big time because Larry was a boy. So he would tell his child-woman to close all ports so Jen couldn’t tell her what a fool she is, along with members of her own family.

Even though I’ve only talked to Jen a few times when she was 10 and saw her a few times as a baby, I can just imagine how awkward it must feel to watch her father run down to Florida with someone younger than her and end up having a kid 30 years younger than her.

On the baby site where pregnant women and moms post things about their kids and all that, she’d comment on tons of pictures of baby furniture and accessories and the main highlight of her comments was basically, “I want, I want, I want.” And where does she think she’s going to come up with the money for all these things? The thought of a pervert and some naïve bimbo with a child living it up while my husband and I live like bums in a trashy old trailer really has a way of turning my animosity for God up a notch. They’ve no doubt got insurance while I can only dream of being insured and getting my sleep disorder officially diagnosed and my disability reinstated, but that’s another thing I have bad news about which I’ll get to later.

All this kid’s naïve and no doubt false ideas about motherhood (she seems to think it will be all fun and games) and all her aaahs and ooohs are going to turn to screams real fast when she’s up all night with the kid screaming only to find that the cradle robber she loved and trusted so much is out getting drunk and doing some male bonding at some bar while checking out kiddy ass…

She doesn’t seem to know the gender. Oh, I hope it’s a girl! I really do!

When I ran her name I was sent to a site that accumulates sites she’s associated with or that has info on her, some of which you have to pay for. While she has no blogs that I could find a tag cloud appeared and one of the names mentioned was Tammy. As in my sister Tammy?

The thought of that pervert and his mistress getting any inheritance really burns me up. Tom pointed out that it’s mom’s money and therefore she has the right to do what she wants with it and that we’re not entitled to anything and should see anything we might get as a bonus, but it’s not that easy to think that way. Technically he may be correct even though some would say I deserve it after the shit she’s put me through. I still think the money’s draining fast and that they probably owe money on stuff (why else would we have found online that they took loans out on some things?) and that we’re only going to get 10-20 grand each, but what if I’m wrong? I don’t think I am, but what if she does leave behind a substantial amount of money? Well, I’m sorry but I don’t like the idea of that child-woman getting some of it when she’s not only hated by most of the family and practically a stranger to it but when my husband and I are so, so needy so much of the time. Just because things are going well for us now doesn’t mean it’s going to stay that way. I fear God won’t let it. But because we have struggled so damn much due to a combination of cruel fate and poor judgment call on our part, that’s why I’m all the more concerned about money even when things are going well, and they are. They posted 5 jobs today at work, 3 of which Tom is going to apply for. They’ll be taking apps through Friday. The only ones he didn’t put in for would be a serious demotion for him.

Either way, the thought of the child-woman getting a part of that money is almost as bad as if some stranger on the street got part of it. Tammy messaged me tonight and said she feels the same way and that he’ll be “six feet under” before he gets anything and that we’ll keep him away from it and she mentioned the courts but I don’t see how that would do us any good. What can she do, go to court and tell the judge, “I don’t want my brother to get anything because I don’t like him very much?” So unless she knows something I doubt I would think all it would do would tie up and delay things for years, but what do I know?

“What have you got against this unborn child?” Tom asked me, and that’s easy. The more grandkids, the less for us. I don’t care anymore how selfish I may sound, and maybe they only left things to their kids and not their grandkids, but I would think they’d leave all the grandkids at least a little something. So if the child-woman goes and has 5 more kids before mom dies, that’s less money for those of us who deserve it, even though I still don’t think she has much or that we’re meant to have much money through any source. Expenses are up, property values are down, and I highly doubt they got the store for the fun of it or just to keep active like Dad said. Everyone says that kind of thing. So, she’s not poor, but she certainly isn’t rich. Once you turned everything into cash and omitted taxes and what they owed money on, you’re probably talking 60K. Split between 3 kids that’d be 20K each. Add the grandkids and that could drop it to 10-15K. She still didn’t give me any details, if she knows any (she’s trying to get me to call her), so I asked if she could just give me a rough guess of an estimate. That and his job are going to determine when we go where.

The only thing she said that I don’t agree with is how she “tried” to tell Mom what he said to her and her grandkids but she didn’t want to hear it. Well, as even Tom agrees, 54 is a little too old to be running to mommy when you get pissed at someone. I have always HATED that with a passion when people would get mad at me and then drag others into it and get people involved that didn’t have a damn thing to do with it. As I would tell anyone, if I’M the one you’re mad at come to ME about it or else I’m gone. That, calling me a liar when I’m telling the truth, defending my perps, being a hypocrite, trying to change/judge me, being a liar or not doing what you say you’re gonna do is the quickest way to lose me. It’s ok to go to someone about someone neither of you are buddies with, but if I get pissed at Andy, for ex, I’m going straight to HIM. Not his mother, not his sisters, not his other friends, just to HIM. I just feel it’s best to operate that way so you don’t end up stuck in the he said/she said game or putting anyone on the spot and pitting people against others. I’ve been there before. It only causes more grief. A part of me wonders if I should’ve stayed away, though I don’t regret being in touch with my dad in the end. I’m glad we got a chance to catch up on life once again and that he got to read my last book.

Either way, I’m not surprised she brushed her complaints off. Most parents don’t want to side with their kids or pit one against another. I’m sure she’d have told me or the statutory rapist the same thing. As much as we may like to, one can’t convince their mom to dump one of their kids simply because her other kids would like her to and think it would be a wise idea.

Oh, and she also said the pervie thinks we’re fucked up. Gee, that hurts! Really, I couldn’t care less about what he THINKS. Or anyone else for that matter. It’s what people DO that matters. So he’s welcome to think I’m the biggest fuck-up on earth. :)

The only other thing she said was that her kids told Larry where to go. Yeah, I tried to warn Lisa away from Larry back in the 90s in Phoenix, knowing she was making a mistake but I also knew it was one she was simply going to have to make. Sometimes we gotta fuck up in order to learn our lesson and see things for ourselves. I’m sure countless people have warned the child-woman also, but she’ll just have to end up sorry she didn’t listen, won’t she?

sighs I wish they’d both get hit by a truck or something. Really, I can feel that old familiar rage vibrating within me towards Larry and just the whole damn family drama in general, reminding me of just why I walked away from it all in the first place 14 years ago. I wish to hell that cock would materialize in this room just for 60 seconds so I could knock every last tooth out of his mouth, I really do! But as soon as mom goes and I get my share, however small it may be, I’m walking away from the others forever. I simply don’t need or deserve this shit in my life. And if anyone wants to judge me for it, I don’t need them in my life either. I’m not looking at them as “family.” I’m looking at them as the people they are and I don’t like them at all, particularly the pervert and the drama queen. The rest I could do with or without, though I pretty much have to do without. It’s the only way to break the negative connection altogether. Keeping in touch with anyone else would be like being friends with the mother of the guy that raped you.

OMG, I want to attack Larry so badly!!! The desire is almost physical I am just so, so fucking enraged right now. Thank God I wasn’t there! Oh, I wouldn’t have minded the part where he went to the hospital. It’s the part where I would’ve gone to jail I’d mind. I have so much rage in me that it would be so easy to get carried away and end up killing the bastard if he were in front of me now, and well, I wouldn’t get any inheritance if I were in prison, that’s for sure.

Some would say I should feel this sort of rage for Tammy since she got me in jail, and I do and that’s the main reason I intend to dump her one last time someday. But guys have a way of getting me going easier what with their macho, I’m-so-tough attitude. IDK, it just makes a bitch like me more eager to take them down a peg or two and get a good laugh at their embarrassment, and I know I could hurt my brother despite the fact that he’s over a foot taller than me. Contrary to popular belief, size and gender aren’t what determines fighting ability. It’s all about fitness, rage and determination. I wish more women were like me. If women were the “angrier” sex instead of men, the belief that men are “stronger” than women would fade quickly. But that’s just life for you – people base things on gender, color, race and size all the time. They believe fat people are the filthiest and all kinds of other BS and false stereotypes.

Ugh! Just ugh! I am so fucking pissed at my brother and his child-woman. I just don’t know what to do. If the pervert was single or he was still with Sandy, I could live with him getting part of the inheritance. But it’s not. It’s a 21-year-old bimbo with a child he’s too old to be having and she’s too young to be having. Again, what the hell was he thinking at 58, that he could replace his dead son?

Where I was finally relieved to know that after all these years I wouldn’t have to deal with family funerals after all, now I gotta deal with not only money going to those it shouldn’t go to, whether it’s mine to decide on or not, but also me possibly not getting anything at all if someone should either try to screw me out of it or it ends up tied up in court for years and the court decides in the end that no one shall have anything. I hope I’m worrying for nothing in this case too, but I’d rather not have things pissing me off and stressing me out so badly. The possibility of the pigs and blacks still coming after me is enough. And the thought of him getting laid off even if that’s looking less likely. Still, I’m really worried about April. If we can get to May without the pigs and blacks harassing us, I’ll breathe a lot easier. This is still a whole 6 weeks away.

SUNDAY, MARCH 18, 2012
Living in different places has been fun and even educational, but I’m at the point in life now where I would really love to find the ideal place to settle down in and that I can consider our forever home even if it’s someone else’s. But is that meant to be for us? Is there even such a place? It seems there’s something wrong with just about every place we live in and we end up wanting out, though I will admit I’m pickier than most and I won’t put up with some things most people are ok with. Most people are ok with excessive barking (obviously, or else it wouldn’t be all over the place, particularly in the West), but that’s just something I could never get used to. I tried to adapt to it and I wanted to adapt to it, but even quick barking sprees that are frequent annoy the shit out of me. A few barks once or twice a day I could handle. But half a dozen or more “few barks,” or barking fits that go on for hours at a time is just not something I can get accustomed to. I wish I could be ok with any and all types of sounds cuz then I’d want to run out and just rent a 2-bedroom/2-bath apartment. That way it’s someone else’s so they have to be the ones to tend to the yards and spend the time and money fixing whatever breaks. Being sandwiched in with people above and around us would help keep it cooler in the summer and warmer in the winter. If only – if only – I could just be ok with noise and was a heavy sleeper!

Realistically, I can’t just snap my fingers and make myself this oh-so-noise-tolerant person just because I want to be. But I also don’t want to stay here – the dogs, the vehicles, the saws, the well, the lack of thermostat and up duct where the cooler is concerned, the lack of space, the lack of outlets, the DSL…enough is enough! On top of all this, I’m also not so sure Florida would be a smart idea for a few reasons. Yes, I’d like the warmer climate, and yes, I like the idea of living where most dogs are household pets, but I’m sick of moving every few months to a few years just to find out that it’s not quite all I hoped it would be and that we were wrong in thinking certain things would be better or easier somehow.

I know the economy was 99% to blame as far as how rough we’ve had it here, but that doesn’t change the fact that for reasons we can’t possibly fathom, something up there hates us. It “gets” us when we’re most vulnerable, and unless you’re rich, making a long-distance move puts you in a pretty damn vulnerable spot. It’s like leaping from one building to another. While you’re in midair is when you’re most vulnerable. Until you land on that other building, just about anything and everything could go wrong, and if things could go wrong for us they usually do.

Another thing to consider is that no climate is perfect and no neighborhood is 100% quiet all the time. So maybe I should aim to make the next stop the last stop. At least in an adult community, even if there is some barking and excessive company at the neighbors, we’ll have the convenience of the city without the circus. I miss being able to drink tap water and get mail delivered right to our door, and I really miss cable.

The last reason to make the next stop the last is the savings. Think of how much money we could have for other things if we weren’t trying to save 10-20 grand for another move!

Tom got an automated call on Friday where they wanted 20 people for a job in Roseville. Another sign that things are picking up should he get laid off, but we sure hope he doesn’t! Really we don’t want to keep having to start over and over again. Instead, we’re hoping they post those jobs they mentioned posting and aren’t just all talk where that’s concerned.

I have the PMS from hell and I feel like I jumped from a 40C to a 50D in just minutes. :( But relief isn’t coming till Tuesday. :( I gained a ton of weight yesterday, though I suppose some of it is water. But if I do it “right” and I get this water off and then continue on with my diet and exercise, I’ll lose the weight, right? Not! Obviously, something’s gone coo-coo with my thyroid. I just hope I don’t have to wait till I’m 65 to be insured and able to have a doctor run tests.

It hit me that my mystery subby may not be able to reply to me because I have my account set to accept messages and friend requests from friends of friends only due to the troll.

The freeloaders and pigs still worry me and I sometimes think of walking away from my online life entirely, but then I stop myself and say, “Hey, don’t let them control you like that! You’ve done nothing wrong. Don’t let them win or take anymore from you than they already have in 2011 and 2012, as well as from 1996-2003.”

At least they haven’t taken shit from me this decade as opposed to the last two and I intend to do everything I can to keep it that way by not giving them a foundation to build any shit. So I still have to lay low at least somewhat for our protection. If they’re gonna pounce though, next month is most likely since they seem to do something every quarter starting two quarters ago.

Tom reminded me that we don’t know for sure that that was a real cop who emailed me. That’s true. How are we to really know who’s on the other end of the computer? It probably was and I don’t doubt the black bitch went wailing to the pigs because that’s what the vindictive, vengeful hater does. But again, he has a point. What if the Google investigation messages and then the one about making a case were nothing more than a clever scheme devised by her and her friends, particularly her little pig pal? After all, his was a couple of the addresses the second message was sent to. And what if they got a cell phone and opened an email account just in hopes of me contacting one of them? And what if the plan was to eventually try to distort money maybe through some kind of threat like demanding I pay up or get arrested? Still wouldn’t explain how they got the email addy I opened for Paula, but then again, if it was a real cop, how’d they miss my Hotmail addy? Perhaps they sent messages to all the addies associated with Google only since the blog was powered by Google. But the old feistydawn addy I had in Maricopa wasn’t connected to Google at all, so it might have or might not have been a real pig. At least one other than the black pig. I don’t know and I don’t want to know. In fact, any more messages I get from them won’t even be opened. They will simply be marked as spam. I am not going to play their games and I am not going to let them seize control of my life, freedom, and bank account as they did in the past. Ever! I shouldn’t have even opened the last one much less messaged Tom about it. I should’ve been smart enough to know they’d know the message was opened if it was some other pig, and that they’d be tracking those email accounts at least for a while.

Again, it’s pretty sad that they would put their time and resources into me, but you know what? It’s their time and their resources! As long as they don’t fuck with me, they can waste time legally stalking and following my every move online. I’m not going to let that feeling of being “watched” stop me, though I do still have it very much.

But what the hell is going on with Molly? No more views or posts. Not even any reply to Aly’s trollicious message/comment. I was surprised when Aly told me she didn’t peak in on her yesterday. Why me instead? Because I write more than Aly does? Maybe it’s not really her after all but the mother hoping to “trap” us somehow, though I agree more with Aly’s theory. She thinks the troll’s mommy is just really watching her really closely lately.

It’s almost eerie just how much the child-woman looks like a young Sandy. Yes, I’ve seen pictures of little Miss Stefanie H. Didn’t contact her, though. What could I say? That she’s made the dumbest mistake of her life?

It is sick, though, thinking of my brother with a 21-year-old who was supposedly 14 when they met, and a kid 30 years younger than his other youngest. What the hell was he thinking? That he could replace Larry Jr.?

Most people use the cops to spite those they’re pissed at, but my attitude is why use a middleman when I can just go straight to the source? Besides, the cops aren’t always the friend some people would like to think they are with all the corruption going on out there, and well, running to them has a way of backfiring on people at times same as lodging city complaints. So unless someone was threatening to kill me, I doubt I’d call on the pigs. Probably not even then. My point? Well, when I was in the midst of my grief with learning Dad died and all that I contemplated flying to FL. But not just to help out Mom in any way that a person who doesn’t drive can help. No, I wanted to get the pervie alone and kick the crap out of it. But he not only has the right to fuck up his own life as well as the life of some young, naive little sucker, but he’s also not worth the money or the ticket to jail. I’m simply too much younger and in too much better shape and I know I could really hurt him badly, not that I don’t love the idea of him being sent straight to Comaland or worse.

SATURDAY, MARCH 17, 2012
For many years, mostly due to the type of sleep disorder I have, I have felt as if something up there feels I don’t deserve to make money. I mean in addition to whatever my husband makes. I always figured I wouldn’t have been cursed with this sleep thing if it wanted me making money out of the house, but I can’t even make it at home! :( Book sales are at their worst ever. The last thing I want to do is struggle at trying to make something be that isn’t meant to be. I once did it with the singing, then with the women, then with trying to conceive. While I may’ve ended up glad I didn’t succeed with any of those things, I don’t want to work really hard for just a few bucks here and a few bucks there. Too much work for a tiny prize. If I’m going to work hard on writing it may as well be just for fun. And so Renting Ginny, if I even bother to publish it, will be my final publication. In a sea of millions of books and authors, the odds of making much money from writing are like the odds of hitting the lottery. Right or wrong, fair or not, I simply wasn’t meant to make money anymore than I was meant to be tall and I just have to accept that.

I’m not a great writer. I’m just ok. Same with pretty much everything else I do except for acting, the one thing I haven’t had any desire to do since I was 10 years old or younger. But I know that had I continued to want to do that I wouldn’t have been allowed to do it, perfect or not. As I said, whatever dream I may have today, tomorrow, or 10 years from now, someone else will be destined to realize that dream but never me. Especially if it deals with profiting in any kind of way. I don’t know why I’m not “allowed” to make money but we’re all blessed and cursed in various areas of life for reasons we’ll probably never know or understand. All we can do is roll with the punches since fighting it won’t usually do us any good. I can’t make myself best-seller material. All I could do was my best. And I can’t make people buy my book either. But no one can say I didn’t try. That’s all we can do. But there’s a time to give up and cut our losses, so to speak, when it comes to some things. You try it for a while, you hope for the best, but sometimes it just doesn’t work out and wasn’t meant to be and you just gotta move on to something else.

I don’t know what is meant to be other than just to continue on as a homemaker and a hobbyist, both of which I do love even if it doesn’t generate any money. Keeping our heads afloat is still enough of a blessing in itself. Maybe I should think of more “non-profitable” ideas since that’s what’s meant to be for me. IDK, maybe I should get into photography or something like that but just because I wasn’t meant to make money doesn’t mean I want to spend it either. I want to save, save and save as much as possible for the next poor spell and mostly spend money on just what we need and not what we want.

I feel bad for Aly. Just like Andy’s been unlucky in love and I’ve been unlucky with neighbors, this poor girl’s cursed big-time health-wise. Just when she learns she’s in remission – at least that’s a good thing – she learns that she now may have skin cancer. Is God trying to slowly kill her? I mean if He keeps it up and keeps letting her have to battle one horrible disease after another soon or later it’s going to wear her down till she’s either a vegetable or dead. I wish He would just give the poor girl a break for once, but praying has done her absolutely no good at all. So she just keeps hoping that one day she’ll stop having one thing after another after another…

Something must really be up with the DQ. It hasn’t gotten back to my message yet. Is she trying to avoid answering my question? Or is she really that sick or busy?

Tom has a cold so he’s kind of a crab. I may whine like crazy when I’m sick, but I don’t get all snappy like he sometimes does. It sucks to know I’m next, too. I don’t seem to be able to ward off colds like I did for a decade or so, and when you live like bums in such a tiny place, where can the germs go? So tomorrow or the next day I may have to do some throat scalding and hope for the best. If it gets me in my sleep it will be harder to kill than if it starts while I’m awake like his did. Only his didn’t start with a sore throat. His started with what he thought was an allergy attack.

That’s another thing that still has me angry – we didn’t come here to live like a pair of bums. Yet why have we been so meant to live in little old dives for so damn long? And will we ever really break out? If we do, will it be for good? Or will circumstances beyond our control throw us right back into old dives? The only thing of the past I don’t want to return to is owning, but I’m sooo fucking sick of living like a little bum! Really, it gets so old. I tried to make myself like it and get all excited at the idea of fixer-uppers, but the money you spend trying to fix up old shit could be spent on something newer.

I just miss things like having sufficient space around a bed so it’s easier to make and not having to pile so much shit so tightly together because there’s no room to spread it out. I don’t have to have a dishwasher but I miss full-size washers and boy do I miss having a dryer. But to one day own a full-size washer/dryer is probably just a dream. There are always too many higher priorities and only so much money to get all these things with.

Mail.com is driving me nuts. That service and the program I’m using that runs it so I don’t have to log into them which takes forever is chock full of glitches. Receiving messages in twos, apostrophes replaced with boxes with ? in them – WTF? But I’m also trying to do more things offline cuz I know it’s not healthy to be a computer addict who spends so much of her free time online. No, it’s not that I’ve been neglecting the important things, but I have been neglecting my writing and just because others don’t take my writing seriously doesn’t mean I still don’t. Same with my languages. I really should study those more. It’s just that I’ve been having more and more trouble retaining what I learn and I don’t know if it’s age or because something’s wrong.

I also don’t know what’s up with the troll but she has been getting stranger by the minute. She was back today and she also left just one quick post saying she’s been busy reading and going to Kmart. Nothing about funny farms, group homes or anything of the like. But there’s no way she’d choose books and shopping over following/bashing people online. Is something up or am I just being as paranoid as she is? Just one quick post? Only a few minutes in my blog? That’s sooo unlike her. Is it really even her? Was the last visitor really her mother like I first thought? It sure seems to be her this time around, so then why not the usual dozens of page views and why not the usual half a dozen or more posts ranting about how miserable she is and how horrible her former friends are while she longs for the guy who “elbowed” her? If she has online access at home, wouldn’t she want to spend 10 hours on my blog catching up? She’s only accessed a few entries unless she’s coming in more often with cookies disabled. But this is someone who would always post like crazy and would spend most of the day on my blog, so something’s amiss.

I am so glad Andy isn’t interested in Facebook! He would drive me crazy there and probably embarrass me as well, LOL. He says I’m “hardly” on Formspring. But I’m there a few times a day or more, though even that’s more than I should be. I need to focus on being offline more often. I really do. I just get sick of chatting with the same people every single day even if they’re fun and interesting. Maybe I should check my email less often. He and I sure are graphic freaks, though.

Andy’s SIL printed my first book that was published for his mom to read. She doesn’t have a computer or a Kindle and I guess she doesn’t like the idea of sitting at his computer to read it, so that’s why it’s been printed out. If by some chance she likes it, she should read Renting Ginny next. I really think that’s my best book ever so far.

FRIDAY, MARCH 16, 2012
I thought the rat was going to die earlier. I heard him thrashing around in his cage when I was in the bedroom. I first thought he was sifting through the food I’d just stuck in his cage. Then I realized he wouldn’t have that much energy with the way his health is deteriorating. So I ran out and he appeared to be having some sort of seizure and was making these awful sounds as he was struggling to breathe. I don’t know if he was choking on something or if it had to do with his condition, but I don’t think he was having a seizure after all. I think the poor guy just panicked when he couldn’t breathe. After a few minutes he calmed down, his breathing seemed to return to normal, and he retreated into his burrow and fell asleep. sighs It’s so sad seeing him suffer like this. If he were Jesse’s mutts or not a very good pet it’d be a little easier, but he’s been such a damn good rat. Very smart and loving.

We have been getting slammed with rain. I’m really surprised. I just didn’t think it would catch up to us after all once the weeks turned into months.

Nothing from the troll in a record-breaking two weeks now. She must’ve fucked up badly, wherever she is.

I’m wondering if I should create a new email address now that even the account I switched to is not only getting spammed and scammed almost as badly as my old account (I did stupidly sign up for enough stuff with it in the past), but I’m getting messages in doubles for some reason. It’s always been one of my least favorite email services anyway. On the other hand, I so do NOT want to have to go around and change my email address all over again on all the accounts I use regularly, so maybe if I do create a new Yahoo account I will use that one simply for friends. That way I only have to deal with the one I’ve been using every few days or so.

Worked out hard today. I ran at mostly 4 MPH for 20 minutes in 5-minute segments. I rested for about 5 minutes in between spurts, so the whole thing still took the better part of an hour. Wish I could run a half-hour straight at 5, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be fit enough, or better yet light enough, to do that.

I look so good yet so bad. So fit but still so fat, LOL.

Another mystery subby on Facebook. I mentioned to Tom how I thought it weird that I would get subscribers since I have a private account. Tom said Facebook screws up all the time and sometimes what we think is private isn’t really private. That’s true. I know they’ve made public some things people wanted private before either by accident or just to piss people off. But how did these people find me? We have no mutual friends. I have a feeling that if I ask the second subby I won’t get an answer any more than I did from the first one, so I guess I’ll just have to wonder about it. It’s still a little disturbing to think they may be able to see things they shouldn’t be seeing.

Nane was telling me more about where she lives. Her 1-bedroom/1-bath apartment is 85 square meters, which equates to 900 square feet. Pretty big. That’s what the 2-bedroom/1-bath was on Bell Rd. in Arizona that I had for a few months before meeting Tom. She would make such a lousy girlfriend, though, LOL. We are sooo like night and day, though the sex would probably be fun. I asked if her neighbors were noisy and she said no, she’s the one that’s noisy. Just after midnight, a guy came ringing her doorbell in his pajamas cuz she was blasting music. She said he didn’t even greet her or anything and just said, “Are you completely out of your mind?” She said she feels like she’s living in a graveyard and loves it when her neighbors are partying or out hanging on their balconies cuz then she doesn’t feel like she’s the only living creature on the block. As anyone who knows me knows, though, I’m just the other way around. When I’m home I don’t want to know the outside world exists! Not your dogs, not your music, not your vehicles, not your TVs, not your kids, not your grandkids, not your friends – I don’t even want to hear you fart, burp, cough, sneeze or hiccup!

Andy’s getting too Marie-like only without the paranoia. He lives online and constantly wants to chat on Formspring. He doesn’t pressure me or anything like that and he knows I’m not as into it as he is, but I just wish he’d get other hobbies. Better yet I wish he would find love and try sleeping sometimes. The guy never sleeps! He hasn’t slept since Wednesday night and when he does sleep, it’s usually only in 4-hour intervals.

I wish I could stop worrying about the pigs but I feel “watched.” I’ve asked Tom a few different times if he thinks they’re watching me on a daily basis and his answers have varied from “I don’t know” to “Yes” to “We’ll never know.” He assures me that if I don’t do anything wrong (and I’ve been being super careful – no unsolicited email, nothing that could be perceived as racial/threatening) I’ll be ok, but I still worry about being set up. I still can’t believe this is simply over spam and not because they didn’t fabricate “evidence” to throw in and add to it since it’s the bulk spammers they usually go after, but he said that that’s why I wasn’t arrested; cuz I only sent a few dozen and not thousands.

But how do you “make a case” out of a few dozen??? They had to have done something, and like I said, I feel stalked, watched, and censored that I feel like I’m lacking in the freedom and the full ability to be myself. At least in the online world. In my word processor, I can be more open about these fears because not everything in it goes online. Not even in private accounts since nothing online is really “private.” If they really are following my every move, damn is that both sad and scary! If they suspected I’d killed someone I bet they wouldn’t give a damn then, would they? Really, would they be interested in me then?

I think I’d rather someone “watch” me by watching the place or my movements in public. If someone were outside watching this trailer, they could see the trailer and they could see me if I stepped outside, but they couldn’t see what was going on inside. Online, however, every single move I make – every chat, every blog, every picture – is for any “legal stalker” to see.

It’s still sad that I have to feel like a fish in a bowl with my every move scrutinized while there are murderers, rapists and child molesters out there they don’t even look at. What’s wrong with this world???

Or maybe I’m just being paranoid and the cops aren’t always as corrupt or as dumb as I think they are, and they’re smart enough to pay more attention to dangerous people that have actually done things instead of just said things to piss people off. Maybe they don’t spend their days watching, waiting, and hoping to “get” me should I screw up somehow and do something wrong. Hey, it’s a business like any other after all. The more crime, the more work for them, and so the more money they and the state gets. It’s not just about feeling powerful and like they’re in control, but how they make their living. If no one ever did anything wrong, they’d be out of a job. But wouldn’t any black or Mexican pig just love to bring a white bitch with a big old honest mouth right down, huh?

Well, there may be more of them than me and so I couldn’t just run down to Arizona and beat them all up, but I can run instead of allowing myself to be railroaded if they decide to jump out of the shadows with whatever digitally enhanced bullshit they want to create. And yes, I wonder about these online happenings and am suspicious of everything from spam, scams, mystery subbies, hackings and more. My Thoughts blogs always have more hits registered on their internal unique hit counter than TIP has. I’m hoping they’re just BOTs that Thoughts is counting but TIP isn’t, but who knows?

THURSDAY, MARCH 15, 2012
My wonderful hubby was kind enough to help me with the book I am ever so slowly working on and which may never get written after all, regarding compensation for survivors of plane crashes. As I told him it almost makes me want to get into a plane crash so long as I didn’t get too beat up from it, LOL. They get big bucks!

Tom will have a huge paycheck this week if he works Saturday like they’re talking about. It won’t be a regular thing, but they’re kind of busy now. At the start of today he said things were so slow he wondered what they’d do all day. Then tons of orders and other work came in. I guess they have companies worldwide that fix broken electronic parts and many departments there deal with well-known brands like Motorola, Cisco and companies like that.

I hope it’s not just an illusion or something above out to tease us cuz it really looks like this is the year he really will get a permanent job, we’ll finally be insured, and we’ll get to live in a real house that just might not be nearly as old as my mom and where I won’t have to deal with other people’s animals. I hope their medical/dental plan isn’t too expensive. Sometimes these so-called “plans” cost so much that you’re not really getting much of a deal.

Speaking of Mom, I called her today to let her know the urn arrived and to see how she was doing. “Everything’s all wrong,” was all she would say. She hinted at it having to do with paperwork, so I guess that dealing with taxes and other things that would require copies of Dad’s death certificate is a real hassle.

Got to chat with my special buddy in Europe earlier. :))) She’s looking to refurnish her bedroom. She also said she has a “Gestenkorn” on her eye and don’t ask her the word for it in English cuz she doesn’t know. I looked it up and got “barley field,” WTF? LOL

Still loving the support and comfort I get from my new airbed, even if it means that now I gotta always be paranoid of leaks. I should get another one as a backup soon.

There was a break in the rain today, which meant I had to turn on sound machines to drown out the fucking mutts. Yeah, you fuckers, we won’t always be neighbors!

I worked my upper body today so that I could give my legs a day to recover from their latest muscle injuries. I pulled something in one of my quads.

I may not have a double chin but I sure have some seriously fried hair. It’s as dry as it was when I smoked or got carried away with the straightening iron. I’m sure it’s from dying it.

I noticed I have a subscriber on Facebook. Hmm… wonder where they found me and why they’d subscribe to someone whose account isn’t public. I’ll probably return to public blogging as myself after I get a few more months off from the troll and hopefully forgotten about, but I’ve decided to keep writing on Facebook as well. I can’t post sparkly, animated pictures, but I don’t want to keep driving some of my regulars too crazy by changing sites too often, and this setup actually works out well. That way I can share things with my closest friends and customize who sees what posts. This isn’t something I can do on blogging sites where my only option is to set it to friends only when not all of my friends would care to join the site in the first place. So, those of my most loyal FB fans need not worry about having to bookmark a new site. Any links I share to other places I write at will be strictly optional and a matter of choice as to where people prefer to follow me, though I may one day go public on FB.

I messaged the subscriber to ask how he found me, and Maliheh as well since the guy’s in Missouri and she used to live there. Haven’t heard from either one as of yet, but I’ve pretty much come to realize that no matter how often Maliheh promises to keep in touch more often, it ain’t gonna happen, LOL. That’s ok. Especially since I have Nane again and I seem to be more into her than Maliheh these days, though I don’t know why. Maliheh and I know each other better and Nane’s more likely to dump me.

Too bad Tammy never did start her own journal. I would’ve loved to get a kick out of whatever overdramatized bullshit she came up with. Well, if it wasn’t purely imaginary, that is. I’m sure the bulk of it would be her physical woes.

I had my own woes earlier with my molar stinging. This is the one next to the one that was pulled. Second bottom one in from the back left side. It took 3 pain pills, one ear oil treatment (just in case that’s part of it), one mouthful of peroxide, and some Orajel to kill it. And of course having PMS makes me all the more sensitive to it. :(

Things are really looking up for us. I’m just a little worried about the pigs and April cuz they seem to love to do things in quarters. By vanishing from public online like I basically have, I don’t give them anything new to add to whatever old crap they fabricated on me, but I realize that with the proper know-how and determination, anyone can make anything look like whatever they want in the digital world. Scary, but nothing I can really do about it in the end. I haven’t done one thing illegal online to this sick bitch, but like I said, they can make it appear however they want. I can’t stop them from coming after me if that’s what they still have in mind. I can only make them sorry if they do.

I gotta laugh at the thought of Mommy Dearest, if that was really her that checked out my “secret” blog, trying to comment about it only to find she couldn’t. That’s one of the frustrating things about Thoughts, LOL. If someone’s blocked you, you have no way of knowing it unless you try to make contact, and Thoughts lets you waste time trying first, then they tell you that you can’t contact that person instead of saying so as soon as you go to compose a message to them. I just can’t believe she wouldn’t have wanted to maybe make more bogus threats or just rub in the fact that she knew it was me. But I was smart enough to block her account up front:)

On the other hand, the mother’s account doesn’t show any activity— since February 5th. Would attempted activity not count? I guess not if it was her and she did in fact try to comment.

I chose not to block Molly to confuse her even more by denying it was me if she ever finds and contacts me. I figured if I blocked her up front it would look all the more like I was who I am.

There’s always the chance the last visitor from that household was Molly herself, but I can’t believe she wouldn’t run and rage about it in her own journal and threaten to report me to the Thoughts staff even though I didn’t use her name. As Aly said, she wouldn’t go so many days without logging into at least some of her accounts, and this visitor showed up two days after all activity from Molly ceased on March 6th. That’s why I think it was the mother. Molly would’ve also opened every single entry and not just a few. She would’ve spent all day and night catching up and not just 15 minutes. She’s gotta be locked up somewhere.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 14, 2012
Slept great and woke up without a hint of a backache. The cold woke me up a few times, though, so I’ll have to slip the “ice guard” back underneath the sheet and mattress pad. I don’t know why, but airbeds are cold to the touch for some reason. It’s great for summertime, but not now. It’s in the 50s and raining steadily.

Anyway, I love my new bed immensely and will never again sleep on foam if I can help it. Regular foam is bad, but memory foam is worse. I don’t understand the craze over memory foam. Having a memory foam pillow such as I do is fine, but sleeping on a memory foam topper/mattress night after night will really wreak havoc on one’s back and cause them to overheat as well since you sink down so far into it and the stuff works with body heat. It was almost as hard to get up out of as a waterbed can be.

I lost a pound since being back on my diet. I’d kind of worry if I hadn’t after having just 1200 calories, running a few miles, plus all the other stuff I do. My pulled muscles are recovered enough to work my arms and abs today in addition to running. Yesterday I burned 200 calories on the treadmill. Today I might fry 300 cuz today’s meal has an additional 100 calories in it.

I’m also going to dust and vacuum the living room and try to tackle more of my book. The one I’m writing, I mean. The one I’m reading will be for when I’m working out or before bed.

Last night was the first dream that may’ve included my dad since he died. Can’t swear to it but it seems like he was paying for him, Mom, and I to see a movie Kate Jackson was in.

Why was there a yellow jacket in the bathroom window just now when I got up to pee? I hope there are no new hives close by.

Later…

Another day of rain and quiet. Not sure what’s better – warmth and noise or rain and peace. The cold wet days are supposed to go on throughout the rest of the week and maybe even into the weekend.

I may have to take tomorrow off from working out. My legs and hips are all messed up right now, LOL, from running too fast for too long. I’m not quite fit enough yet to sustain a 5-MPH run for long periods of time. Actually, getting some weight off would help more than getting fitter. I’m still pretty fit. A 5-MPH run is sort of like stepping to the beat of windshield wipers turned up high. I had to stop at 175 calories burned because by then the only thing burning was my legs. My left leg is ok but my right quad muscle is pulled (man that thing’s bulging!). I also felt a bit dizzy. So today’s total running time was only around 20 minutes, though I did walk a little of it and sometimes I ran at just 4 MPH which is more like a jog than a run. It will be nice when I can go even longer at 5 MPH cuz then I burn 20 calories a minute. At 3 MPH you barely burn 5 a minute. But getting into better and better shape is a slow process.

It’s nice to be able to walk by the mirror and like some of what I see. There’s still plenty to complain about, but as fat as I still am you can definitely tell that I work out. It’s really the only way to get the weight off at this age unless you can stand to be hungry, though I’m hungry enough at 1200 calories.

I would probably still want to work out even if I was 100 pounds, something I could never reach at this age due to my muscle mass and curvaceous shape. Those with boyish shapes are more likely to get down that low, but not Miss Peaks & Valleys. But thin or fat I like being fit and the energy working out gives me. I also take pride and comfort in knowing that if some jerk messes with me, chances are I’d hurt him badly.

Later…

Dad’s ashes arrived today in a very beautiful urn. It can’t be opened and you can’t see the ashes. You can feel them moving around inside, though. The urn is small at 3” tall and 2½” wide, but lovely. It has colorful leaves and butterflies on it with gold outlining against a black background. It came in a green cloth-covered box with an obscure design on it. He sits on the bedroom dresser for now. I thought it would seem weird having dad around in this sort of way, but it doesn’t. What is strange in an ironic sort of way is that for 18 years he pretty much decided where I could go. Now I decide where he goes for what I hope will be longer than 18 years.

They told Tom today at work that they’re shutting down his department in a few weeks. This would’ve alarmed him if it weren’t for a few things. One, I haven’t had the kind of nightmares that suggest trouble ahead. Two, it’s not being shut down due to the company losing business, but because they want to move and combine certain departments. Three, they’re going to be posting tons of permanent job openings soon, one of which he hopes to snag within a few weeks.

What was really encouraging is that one of the supervisors told him he was disappointed when they decided not to hire anyone for the job Tom recently applied for because he wanted Tom to fill that position, and to be sure to reapply for it since they’re going to re-post it.

We don’t want to get our hopes up too high, but we’re not going to expect anything either. At least I’m not. All my husband’s wanted for nearly 5 years now is just a fucking job. Just a lousy job he can count on with normal benefits, vacation and holiday time. Yet the simplest things in life have been too much to ask for. I learned a long time ago it’s always best to hope for the best but to assume the worst. Think positively and you’ll be more disappointed if things don’t work out than had you not thought positively. Don’t think positively and you’re doubly delighted if things do work out.

Either way, if he can get a permanent job with benefits and that pays well enough, Florida would be worth putting on hold, not that we have the money to get there now anyway or that we necessarily ever would. I really meant it when I said I didn’t want to move with any less than 20K after the disaster we went through the last time we changed states, and I don’t expect to ever be able to save that much. If we did it would take a very long time. Then again 10-15 grand would be ok if he were retired. Until and if I see differently, though, I gotta assume he’ll always be a temp without benefits. I hope this doesn’t happen but I realize that God could “let” him get laid off and then be stuck on unemployment for months and then only be able to get a shitty-paying temp job. I hope He will be kinder to us than that and realize we’ve gone through enough crap in life and have struggled enough, but God isn’t usually our friend. Then again, He doesn’t hate us that much, right?

TUESDAY, MARCH 13, 2012
Last night Tom was worried about the idea of me having a heart attack since my left arm hurt. I laughed at the idea, of course, though I took the aspirin he suggested I take. Today, though, it’s plenty obvious that the “heart attack” is definitely pulled muscles. I may work out, but it isn’t every day I lift and carry old mattresses around.

Today is cold, rainy, and definitely won’t hold a 4-hour sawing session for me to have to either listen to or drown out with sound machines. Just what the hell is it they’re doing up the hill??? They must be building something cuz even in this forest they’d have had to run out of trees to cut by now as this has gone on steadily for the last 6 months. Besides, I can tell by the sound of it that they’re not cutting trees. This is something they’re building. A stable for horses? A shed? Something else? I just wonder when they’ll go over a week without sawing. When we move?

No motorcycles today either. :) No guarantees on the barking, though.

I’m definitely not in the mood to work out today, but I’m going to anyway. I’m just going to run, though, and let my arms and abs rest. I’m now able to go a few miles in a half-hour. :)

I feel like it’s 50° in this room when in fact it’s 70°, so it’s the ideal temp for working out.

They asked him if he’d be available to work Saturdays. We’d take this as an encouraging sign if he hadn’t already been asked this a million times. March and April have me nervous. March 22nd was his last lay-off. April will mark 6 months of smooth sailing, the longest we’ve been allowed to go so far in Cali with things going well for us. Will we break our record?

Later…

My nails look kind of yucky and I can’t stand to leave them unpolished. Ironically enough, though, that’s part of what makes them look bad.

The new bed arrived and I will be sleeping in heaven tonight! Tom and I were setting it up a little while ago.

For a while now I was worried my computer was hijacked because I kept hearing this sound that I thought was the hard drive cranking away like crazy, but it turns out that one of the fans has gotten a bit loud. Tom installed a CPU temperature monitor on it and all seems to be running well.

I ended up hearing not one single sound today. I really thought I’d hear at least some barking and maybe the landlord’s truck, but instead, I heard nothing but the rain and the wind. I loved that much, but not the cold. Too many more days of this and I won’t mind going back to hearing chainsaws and other things. I like rain, but I despise cold with a passion! It shocked me to learn that Nebraska was in the 80s. I guess right now only NorCal is being picked on, but Mother Nature has a way of sweeping across the country. She’s just starting from left to right this time. :)

The troll must have been in the funny farm for the last week. There’s no way all of her accounts wouldn’t have some activity for this long. Besides, if she can’t harass people from home, she runs to the library to do it from there. Something’s gotta be up. Probably threatened to kill herself or her parents after being elbowed and dumped by Loverboy. I’m sure she’ll be back within a week to harass people.

Aly and I suspect that someone appearing to be in her account was a glitch. I think it was the mother, who on the 6th, deleted her stuff and looked in on my blog while she was at it. Then again, there’s been no sign of the troll on Thoughts since before the 6th. So that “last activity” on the 6th, which matches the date I suspect mommy peeked into my blog, was probably Mommy Dearest complaining to the Thoughts staff that she knows I’m talking about her darling daughter even though I never use her real name there. If mommy’s been reading anything after the 6th, then she caught onto TIP and disabled her cookies.

Why don’t you just toss your cookies, bitch! And keep that crazy kid of yours locked up! But as Aly pointed out, past experience has taught us that she always comes back. A part of me misses laughing at the utterly psychotic shit she’d post, but I’m loving the break from her, not that she knows how to get a hold of me at the moment. What I don’t miss is her trashing Aly in public with real names. Maybe she’s finally learned that she’ll get ratted out to Mommy whenever she does that. Then again, the mother’s just as fucked and Aly’s given up on getting any real help from her. Especially when she told Aly to let her know if she bashes her again, then when she does, she gets told the troll’s behavior is partly her fault. Argh!

Tammy messaged me saying that the reason she hadn’t written was that she’d been sick. She got sick in Florida, something I do every time I go there. I think it has to do with the sudden climate change. She said the flight back was bad that’s how sick she was, and even two rounds of antibiotics couldn’t kill her ear infection since she has no immune system.

Then it was off to bitch about how sick Larry is and something about wishing him and his fucking 21-year-old bitch, who wanted to be the first of her friends to get pregnant, nothing but the worst.

Ok, so let me get this straight. We live in an era when it’s not “hip” to be a mom as opposed to a career woman and while most men won’t even let their own wives get pregnant, my brother-fucker gets this child-woman knocked up??? But I thought the “great-grandchild” was on account of Jen. Either way, it’s sad. Just sad. Most people under 30 – make it 40 for the extra immature – are simply too young to end their lives in parenthood. There’s so much to learn, see and do in life before you bury yourself in diapers, sleepless nights, and babysitters. But it’s their lives to stunt and throw away. So what if stupidity usually breeds stupidity, and so what if it’s scary to think that these “children” will be running the world tomorrow?

She also said they have nothing to their lives and are nothing, but like I said before, he must be doing at least somewhat good in order to take that much time off from work to be with Mom. Besides, I know how God works. He blesses the assholes and lets the good people suffer from poverty or diseases and all kinds of shit. Yes, the brother-fucker lost a son way back when, but I can’t believe the guy has ever had any major health or financial problems.

Lastly, she said someday judgment will come his way.

Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking like how she says Dad is with us and looking after us. Again, how can we know this for sure? And if Tom were laid off again, does that mean Dad’s not looking out for at least me???

I haven’t heard back from her but I got up the nerve to ask if she knows what’s in the will. Right or wrong, selfish or not, I can’t help but be curious. I still don’t expect much. It would totally go against what has always seemed to be in our cards. We know we can have up to 10K because we’ve gotten/won around that much before. But why would we have spent so much time struggling if we were suddenly meant to have money? IDK, it just seems as odd as Tom one day waking up short and me waking up tall. It just doesn’t seem to fit God’s so-called “plan” for us. He obviously wants us to suffer most of the time. He has allowed us to be beaten over the heads with money so badly, so many times. Why would this suddenly be it, only to get even better after mom goes, if you could really call that “better?”

I also don’t think they have much money because of the store and medical costs they’ve had to deal with that Medicare doesn’t cover. I think they once had a lot of money, but since property values go down, that would reduce the will right there. Also, I still can’t believe they would be working in their 80s just for the fun of it, and I know how expensive medical costs can be, so I don’t think they have much anymore.

I still say “they” even though it’s just mom now.

I don’t think Mom’s poor, but she’s probably only just a little comfortable. Time will tell, though a part of me would rather both my parents have lived on despite the abusive history. It’s the siblings I could really do without!

Although I shouldn’t feel bad for her after the shit mom did to me years ago, the poor woman has had lung and breast cancer and God knows what else is going on with her. Then again, maybe she’ll be like Tom’s mom and just keep living on and on and on. Not likely, though, since there was only a 1-year age difference between my folks and not an 11-year difference.

Oh, and I don’t know what Tammy was thinking but she tagged me in a photo I’m not even in. It was this picture of her kids, her stepdaughter and Mark, which I’ve seen before. The poor girls are so huge they almost look like overblown sex dolls with bad hair.

MONDAY, MARCH 12, 2012
Although there is a leak for sure in the airbed and I ended up bottoming out by the time I got up, I awoke with absolutely no back pain whatsoever. I also didn’t overheat. The 4” memory foam topper was causing me to overheat with the way half of my body would be sunk down into the mattress. Because it was like being in a bowl it would really retain body heat big time. I started to wonder if it was hot flashes but knew I was still a wee bit young for that.

Back when we arrived in Oregon in our little RV, we picked up a $25 air mattress since the RV’s cushions were old and worn. I thought it was the most comfortable thing I ever laid on. All I wanted to do the day we got it was lie in bed and read all day, LOL. “Cheap shit” or not, I decided to get what I personally find most comfortable and so we ordered a full air mattress for just $20 on Amazon.

We have a full-sized raised airbed in the shed, but it’s too high for putting on top of the platform and we don’t want to dismantle the platform and have no place to put it cuz the place is so tiny. I also don’t like it because it not only tips when you get close to the edge, but it has built-in pillows. I like my own memory foam pillow.

The only negative is that these cheap airbeds do spring leaks quite easily. But I’d rather spend $20 once or twice a year to get what’s most comfortable than the $1200 we so stupidly wasted on a not-nearly-as-comfortable Select Comfort bed in Arizona.

Foam is just a real backbreaker for me these days. I never should’ve gotten this mattress as I did 7 years ago, but I was younger then and could handle it better. Foam breaks down over time and so it now sags in the middle. The only thing that won’t sag in time is air or waterbeds. Everything else pretty much goes to hell and doesn’t come back. So I’m probably going to forget the idea of getting a coil mattress after the move that still may or may not happen. I just wish the airbed I’m getting was as thick as a waterbed mattress instead of like a garbage bag, but that’s why they’re so cheap.

I’m going to keep the topper underneath the air mattress so that it boosts the whole thing up to a normal height. The platform itself is only 9” high. This way the sheets fit better, too. The original mattress made of mostly regular foam is now out on the futon.

Nane surprised me with a chat yesterday before she went to bed since Jim had to leave early. She didn’t get the books I sent her after all. She really wanted to read A Rainbow in Munich, but since she doesn’t have a Kindle, I emailed that, plus the 3 other stories she inspired a character in. I hope she likes them!

SUNDAY, MARCH 11, 2012
I have asked myself: If we do get into an adult community and it ends up just as noisy as the mainstream, then what? Where would we go from there? I guess the best thing to do if we really are so destined to live in noisy environments, would be to strive to buy some trashy old trailer in some trashy old trailer park. That way there would at least be no rent/mortgage. Just a small fee for the use of the lot it was on, and that can’t be more than a few hundred a month.

Right now, though, we have to figure out how to stop this lower back pain I wake up with so often. I pulled the 4” all-memory topper off to see if sleeping on just the original 4” regular foam and 1” memory topper would help since that is firmer and doesn’t sag as much, but it doesn’t.

It seems the only types of mattresses I don’t have problems with are water and air mattresses. I’m hoping that if I got a coil mattress that would solve the problem but since I don’t want to spend money until after the move, we dug the old air mattresses out of the shed and will see how my back does with that if it doesn’t leak. We set it up on top of the original foam mattress so that if it does spring a leak in the night I’ll at least bottom out on the foam and not the wooden platform. To me, air mattresses are way more comfortable than foam, but I’m getting older now and I just don’t know if my back can take the kinds of mattresses I used to sleep on. I just know that foam, memory or not, is a no-no. I need coil, air or water. I did some research and they recommend medium-firm support for lower back pain. I just wish all this back and hip pain would back the hell off. I’m 46, not 76.

Tom and I went to Carl’s Jr. earlier for burgers and fries. We were going to go shopping but decided not to since we’ve spent enough money lately. I still want to take as little from the savings as possible till we get moved. Even then, there are things we’ll need to get for the new place, then there’s still my teeth. It seems there’s always something.

LOL, sooo like Andy… when the telemarketer called him today he asked the guy how many men were in his department. Twenty, he was told. Then Andy offered to give all of them blowjobs over the weekend. The guy politely told him to have a nice day, LOL.

SATURDAY, MARCH 10, 2012
This is the third morning in a row I woke up around the same time. Wish I could do that every day, though 8pm - 4am wouldn’t be my first choice. I’d prefer 11pm - 7am.

Hundreds of crunches, arm workouts, then a half-hour on the treadmill and I’m barely out of breath. Yeah, this is the sucky side of getting into better and better shape and that’s having to push yourself harder. I’m going to have to go longer and faster on the treadmill.

Wow, this is the first time this year I’ve seen 4 days of rain on the 5-cast. But is it imaginary rain like usual, or will it really do more than just cloud up? I still gotta see it rain to believe it.

I talked to Mom yesterday. She sounds ok. The kiddie lover is still there. It must be doing damn good for money if it can take that much time off from work. Yes, God has blessed everyone in my family but me, hasn’t He? Only I don’t think my parents were nearly as rich as some seem to think. I think they’re comfortable but not rich. I just hope our own state of comfort continues. I so do NOT want to go back to the poorhouse. I dread the day it’s back to stressing over how we’re gonna come up with the rent and all that shit. But if it’s happened a million times before, it only makes sense that it’s going to happen again sooner or later, right?

It’s still hard not to refer to them as “my parents” even though one’s gone. When I spoke with my mom it felt sort of weird that I couldn’t ask if Dad was there or at the store and if could she put him on if he was there.

Anyway, Dad’s ashes have been sent so we’ll look for them later on today when the mail place opens. At first the thought of having “a part of him” here seemed weird, but then again I guess it really isn’t much different than having a strand of someone’s hair.

We went to Walmart right before it started getting overly crowded and Tom was a crab. He felt rushed, I guess. He didn’t get enough time to wake up this morning and he felt rushed in the store cuz I was trying to beat the crowds. Most of the time he’s calm, cool and collected, but sometimes I wish he would loosen up more and laugh a little and quit being so damn serious! I love the hell outa the guy and I can’t imagine life without him, but he’s not always as fun as I wish he was. There’s no romance or enough joking and laughing, but I guess that’s to be expected after being with the same person for a million years. No matter how well you get along you’re gonna lose those fireworks in time. But I would rather have a relationship with him than just get it on with a million hotties. Hey, love can stay, but lust never can. Relationships can last, but orgasms are just a few seconds. If Tom and Jim suddenly ceased to exist and Nane and I were suddenly together (in whatever country), we’d get sick of each other too, at least physically.

How did I come to have such a thing for foreigners anyway? Ok, so I always liked them tall and dark, but I think part of what attracts me to Nane (she certainly isn’t that dark, LOL) is that she’s German. Well, it’s not just a German thing. It could be Italian, Spanish, etc. I guess it has to do with my love of languages. Where most people like duplicates of themselves, I was always attracted to opposites. If they’re from England or Australia where they also speak English, it’s not the same. Tom and I may not be opposites in native languages, but we’re opposites in personality.

It’s so nice having Nane back again. Like Mary used to say, it’s ok to get mad as long as you can forgive in the end. Nane never did anything most of us consider unforgivable anyway, and I wasn’t perfect either with my big mouth that gets out of control at times, LOL. So it’s nice to know she’s back even if it means I spend a little more time than I should looking to see if she’s around.

I just wish Andy would get a BF. Not just cuz it’s what he wants, but so that he wouldn’t have so much time to want to chat online, something I’m not quite as into as much as he is. But I totally believe that’s not meant to be for him any more than I was meant to have sex with someone I was totally hot for.

FRIDAY, MARCH 9, 2012
The Time Machine backup device arrived yesterday. Tom backed up his computer and next comes mine but I’ll do it when I go to sleep. What a convenient way to back things up, though! It’s so easy to find things and is set up similar to Facebook’s time machine. So you can search for things by name or within a set time frame. It automatically backs up every hour so there’s nothing to do. It does it all on its own.

Today they’re having a meeting and also a raffle where Tom works where if you wear green you get an extra entry in the raffle. Don’t know what it’s for or what the meeting’s about, but I sure hope the meeting isn’t anything bad!

Got a sympathy card from Eileen. That was nice of her. She’s always been really big on sending cards.

The rat has been eating less and fidgeting more around his cage. Where he was mostly nocturnal, now he’s up most of the day when I am.

The CoQ10 doesn’t seem to be helping with my own weight, so I obviously don’t have the kind of deficiency Tom has. I’m going to pig out over the weekend, as usual, then come Monday I will decide what I want to put up with more – being fat or being hungry. It’s just that I loved not being hungry when I wasn’t dieting and I know it’s pointless to try and lose weight that simply doesn’t want to come off and that would only come right back on. Most older people are heavy because that’s how they’re supposed to be. I just don’t want to keep wasting time trying to be something I can never be again. So many people spend years on diets just to still be fat and I don’t want to be one of them.

Later…

So much for hoping for a peaceful day in the country. No saws buzzing, but plenty of loud vehicles and barking instead. I can’t wait to get away from this guy and his mutts! Someone else came in on a motorcycle that not only didn’t sound like Jesse’s but that couldn’t have been him because the dogs kept on going crazy after they pulled in.

THURSDAY, MARCH 8, 2012
I have been feeling so wonderful lately that a part of me wonders if I should feel guilty for it. My dad hasn’t even been dead for two weeks, yet I feel fantastic! Tom’s feeling better. His job is going well. We have money in savings. My GF is back. Where the future once seemed totally hopeless, there now seems hope for more good things to come. I just feel so great in general. It’s strange, though. I hated it when I felt miserable and now that I’m finally happier I feel guilty about it. I know it’s only because my dad died, though. I asked Andy if he thought I was wrong to feel so good so soon after losing my dad and he said no because life must go on. Guess he has a point there. Besides, I haven’t seen my dad since 1997. I loved him, but we simply weren’t “close.”

Nane didn’t realize my books were for those with Kindles and so she won’t be able to get them. I thought she knew they were eBooks, but at least she kept her word by checking into them. I offered to send complimentary copies to her cuz she’s special. :)))

I tried to talk Nane into having her and Jim visit us since she mentioned wanting a change since she’s sick of TR, but sure enough, they’re going to Morocco for two weeks in May. She said after Cuba in ’99 she’s been against doing any transatlantic flights. I wonder if something bad happened then. I asked her about it.

No views from the troll yesterday on Thoughts but now I’m wondering if whoever viewed my blog a couple of days ago was really her mother and not her. Especially since she didn’t check Aly out. That’s totally not like her and I just don’t believe she wouldn’t make any posts of her own if she were the one in her account.

It’s gonna be slightly warm later on. Yesterday I had to hear from Jesse and the dogs, of course, but yesterday it was mostly him. He was running loud machinery up there, as usual, and I could hear little bumps and bangs down here like he was either slamming car doors real hard or throwing something into the back of his truck. It just can’t stay indoors to save its life! Not unless it’s really hot or raining and it just doesn’t seem to rain here anymore. They say it’s going to next Tuesday, but I know that the most we’ll probably get are clouds and wind.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 7, 2012
Yay, she’s back! Nane’s back! How wonderful it is to have her back in my life again, even if she may be my “Quinn.” Back in the 90s when Andy and I both lived in Arizona, he fell for a “bad boy” named Quinn. Quinn was all wrong for him and he knew it. But even so, Quinn was one of the very few guys he truly ever loved. Then one day the troubled guy took his life. Andy was heartbroken. He took in Quinn’s cat and she lived with him till her dying day. She was like their “child.”

Well, Nane may not kill herself (I hope not!), but she’d probably be all wrong for me even if we were both single and living right next door to each other. What have we really got in common but our love of languages? Nothing really. She had a trauma-free childhood, but I didn’t. We grew up in different countries speaking different languages. She lives in an apartment in the city in a cold climate. I live in a trailer in the woods in what’s at least a relatively warm climate. She smokes, but I don’t. She lives to travel while I find it a bitch. She doesn’t like rats, but they’re my favorite pets to have. She deals with numbers while I deal with words. Hell, we don’t even look alike, LOL. She’s tall, blue-eyed and with light brown hair. I’m a short, green-eyed brunette.

But none of it matters. At least not to me. There is still something that fascinates and draws me to this traveling, smoking, rodent-hating hottie, LOL. I missed her so much! I was totally bummed out during her absence and even when things were good and I was happy, thoughts of her still played on the back of my mind and occasionally she’d sneak into my dreams. I missed her messages as scarce as they may’ve been since she’s a very busy, hard-working lady. I missed making her laugh and telling her what scent I was wearing or burning. I missed the little “hugs,” hearts and kisses she’d put on my wall. It was so weird logging onto Facebook knowing she wasn’t there. And no fun at all. :( Even when she was busy and wasn’t there, she was still there. But then that all changed and I felt a bit of a void in my life. Life is like one big puzzle. While Tom’s the biggest piece of all, many people, hobbies and objects make up for all those other pieces and Nane’s had gotten lost under the table for a while. It felt so good to eventually pick that piece up off the floor and put it back where it belongs. :) Sometimes it’s those little things in life we miss, though I knew I had to continue to let her go if that’s what she wanted. After all, we can’t make people like us.

Like many of us, I sometimes say mean things I shouldn’t say in the heat of my anger or hurt, and I’ll admit I did just that. Sometimes I was pissed, sometimes I was hurt, and sometimes I had a “fuck it” attitude. I wanted so badly to be a cold, unforgiving bitch who just didn’t care and who never gave her another thought in my life. Hey, people do come and go in our lives after all. But I did care and she was one of the ones who simply wouldn’t leave my mind and my heart no matter how much I tried to make her go away. Besides, I’m not perfect either. I say and do stupid shit all the time. I have deleted some of the Facebook notes where I was really going off on some of my fits about what happened even though they were heavily restricted and most of my friends couldn’t see them.

When social networks first hit the scene I would totally laugh my ass off when I’d hear stories about people coming to care for others they “met” online. How could that be? I’d wonder to myself. They’re not “real.” They’re just these mere electronic beings. But as I have learned, they ARE very real. The people behind the profile pictures have feelings and lives and are real people. Sure I’d love to actually meet some of them in person but to me, it’s like I actually have. The only difference is that text replaces their voices and photos replace what I would see in person. But they’re still every bit as human and you can come to care for them very much. When someone told me they wondered if I was in love with her, I laughed. But maybe a small part of me came to love her in some ways. I know it wasn’t just lust. It started with that until I got to know a little about the woman behind the pretty face.

As silly as it may sound since we’ll probably never meet anyway and since I’d never leave my husband (but I may consider a side dish to the main course), I felt a tinge of jealousy when she met her BF. But I am happier for her than anything else for if you truly care for someone you want them to be happy. She deserves love just like anyone else.

As we both agree, it feels good to make up. She’ll always have a place in my heart and I’ll be her friend as long as she wants me to be.

I rejoined MySpace just to see what it’s like these days. It sucks and I don’t plan to use it much. While I was there I looked up Nane and messaged her suggesting we move on and accept that what happened was in the past and that no one’s perfect. One of the very few neat features on MS is that it tells you when your messages are read. Well, I was surprised to see she read the message not long after I sent it, even though it was late at night in Germany and she’s a real night owl who I knew would’ve been online at the time.

This was after I tagged Irene in some notes, knowing they’d end up on her wall, LOL. I knew I was taking a risk of losing her and that she may dump me, but she didn’t. She didn’t even delete them. Instead she “liked” my comment claiming it was an accident. I know it may’ve been dishonest, but I did it because I found the idea of her and Nane reading them amusing just in case I was wrong in suspecting they’d already read them. Well, Nane definitely read them at some point cuz when she surprised me with her first message on Facebook where she said she was sorry about my dad, she signed off with “selfish bitch.” LOL, that pretty much tells me she has been reading my notes.

I grinned like a lovesick teenager when I saw her first message and we ended up exchanging a few messages after that. Both her parents are “only” 72, she said, and she doesn’t want to think of them not being anymore. Her evil ex-MIL died, she also said, and then she surprised me even more by adding me back as a friend. I really thought she’d never ever even talk to me again. Guess I had her wrong there!

What was funny was that Alison noticed she was back and said she hoped she wasn’t sounding rude in saying so, but she hopes she’s nicer to me this time around.

Me too, though Nane did warn me up front that she still doesn’t have a lot of time. She sees Jim on weekends and has a stressful job during the week. Yes, Miss Former Wall Street does have her work cut out for her, LOL, between work, Jim and vacations.

Tom and Jim may be our number one, but it’s nice to think of each other as our number two. If anything a side dish only spices up and adds variety to the main course. :) What can it hurt anyway?

I wonder what Irene and Christiane will think when they see we’re connected again, LOL. Not sure Christiane would care, but Irene’s probably both glad and going, “Uh-oh,” LOL.

I was even surprised to hear from Marie yesterday:) She wanted to give her condolences. So she’s been following my account along with my German goddess, huh? LOL, well I did deliberately set my stuff to friends of friends just for their sake. Just wasn’t sure they’d be interested. I don’t share all my notes with everyone, though, and often cut the sister from them.

I think that’s it as far as my wonderful cyber GF on the other side of the world goes. I’m only going to reveal so much anyway out of respect for her. Trivial things are one thing, but personal things are up to her to share or not to share.

Later…

They say there’s a first time for everything. Well, today’s the first time I’ve been dumped and am actually amused by it. I don’t know why, but something about it just seems so funny to me, probably because I have always sensed this person was/is jealous of my relationship with Nane. It was Irene who dumped me. I told her in a message that we were “together” again. She replied in half English, half German saying she knew but is ending our friendship because we were too different. LOL, that we are! But I have absolutely no hard feelings toward her at all. :) She was/is a very sweet lady and I wish her the best in life just as she has wished for me.

I was talking with another friend who also agrees it’s easy to say you’ll never forgive someone when you’re pissed until you’ve had time to calm down. Believe me, I wanted to hate Nane and I wanted to make myself wish bad things upon her. But no matter how pissed I was, I simply couldn’t do it. I don’t usually “fight for” or “work” to win people over. It’s just not my usual style. But I’m glad I did just that for a few people. They were worth it in the end, even though I’ve been warned against Nane. Some think she’ll probably toy with and then dump me all over again. Yeah, she probably will. But I’ll just enjoy the ride until then. :)

Could Irene’s dumping me stem from the “accidental” tagging? Jealousy? Could be, but only she can ever really know if there’s more to it than just being “different.”

The troll is getting as mysterious as she is predictable. She finally found my “secret” account, but hasn’t tried to contact me. She only spent 14 minutes in it and only read a few entries, according to TIP. I would think she’d have spent 10 hours in it catching up on every single entry. That’s what she would sometimes do even when she was all caught up in the past.

She also changed her profile picture to a shot of her computer but has continued not to make any posts. Makes me wonder if it’s really her, but who else could it be? I just find it odd that she’s been in that account every day but hasn’t posted anything. Totally not like her!

One of her last posts contains a “letter” to Josh. You know the guy that hit her and who doesn’t have Internet access? In it, she asks why he doesn’t answer her calls. Now why in the world would you want to call a guy who just hit you???

Except for having an easier time making it look pretty, I’m not sure this word processor is really all that great. It’s better than OpenOffice and some other jokes out there, but it’s still kind of buggy and quirky.

Tom pointed out something. Something I definitely have to be careful not to share online, and that’s that there’s no point in my feeling guilty about breaking the so-called promise Tammy made to Dad. Dad didn’t ask her to keep in touch with me. She told him she would. So he’s got a point there.

TUESDAY, MARCH 6, 2012
It’s now been over a week since my dad died. I keep hoping for a sign from him somehow, somewhere, as spooky as it may be, letting me know he still exists. Yet I have received absolutely no signs at all. I guess this can mean only one of three things. He is unable to beam back a sign. He has chosen not to for some reason. Or there is no afterlife at all and we simply blink out into total nothingness after death, which is what I prefer most unless the afterlife is much, much better than this life as we know it to be.

Unfortunately, they decided not to hire anyone for the job Tom applied for at work. I still don’t think he’ll ever be a permanent employee there. Usually, if they don’t hire you after the first few months, they’re never going to. I don’t mind him being a temp, though, for the rest of his working years because it’s not only obviously what he was meant to be, but because I’m used to it since that’s how it’s been for almost half a decade, and also, we don’t need insurance; we need dental. But very few employees offer regular benefits these days let alone dental. Jobs with dental are very, very scarce. I’m also used to dealing with dental pain on my own, so I can continue to tough it out until the next tooth gets infected and the pain is so bad I can’t even sleep. So what if it may kill me? I’ve lived a long enough life as it is, and well, I gotta go someday anyway, don’t I? Some risks are worth taking in life. I won’t gamble with my husband’s life, but I’m willing to gamble with mine. Especially when the risks are so low I’d have a better chance of winning the lottery and just paying for everything outright. Assuming God doesn’t have to get a kick out of yanking the carpet from underneath us yet again and things keep running smoothly, I may be able to do just that anyway towards the end of the year. Sometimes I think to myself, “You know, you really oughta just call off the move and do your teeth first. Small, noisy places are what you’re used to anyway.” But I don’t know that I could do that, and yesterday wasn’t that bad. I only heard Jesse come and go twice, but I can’t say how much barking there was because I had the sound machines on. I don’t even know if they were sawing today, but they might have just started as I was falling asleep.

It’s been amazingly warm the last two days. Yesterday we didn’t need to turn the heat on till 5:30 am and just two hours later it was off for the day. Well, it’s now just after 4am yet it’s been hovering at 72° in this room. Strangely enough, though, it says it’s only 45° outside now. They say there’s a 30% chance of rain today, but that usually really means 0%.

I never did hear back from Tammy, though there has been activity within her account so I know she’s been on Facebook reading the news and playing games. She’s probably pissed because I don’t want to talk on the phone with her. This is alright with me because personally I just don’t care. Whatever happened between her and Larry is between them. I don’t know, I don’t want to know, and I don’t want to get involved. I just want to keep the peace until I drop her, with or without an inheritance. Even if I suddenly knew I wasn’t going to get anything (and I find it hard to believe my parents would have a store so late in life if they had a lot of money), I’m still willing to play nicey-nicey till mom goes and that is for mom’s sake only. I know how Tammy operates when she gets pissed off and then vengeful. The first thing she does is get others involved. The second thing she does is twist the truth and throw in lies. Well, I don’t need her dragging Mom into something she may get pissed at me for and then Mom getting on my ass about it. I just want to play it cool till she’s gone and then I will quietly walk away from the entire family for good. And the pain and memories that go with them. Countless times she has bragged about siccing the pigs on this one or on that one that has pissed her off. And while she sometimes may have good reason to be pissed at people, I don’t need the cops showing up at my door because she got pissed when I said something she didn’t like or agree with.

Speaking of cops – usually, any dreams I have of them are unpleasant, but the last one I had was weird. Tom and I were walking through a large parking lot. There was a cluster of pigs in the middle of it doing who knows what. Like half a dozen of them or so. One of them, a guy of around 40 with dark hair and a thin mustache, was standing sort of off by himself doing something with a sign or a large piece of paper. He said, “Hi Jodi,” as we passed by. I looked at him confused as I wondered how he knew my name. I simply shrugged and said hi back. Every day we passed this same parking lot and this same bunch of pigs he would say hi, more in a polite tone than a friendly one. Finally, I said to Tom, “The curiosity’s killing me. Next time I gotta ask this pig how he knows my name,” but there wasn’t a next time.

Anyway, people online piss me off bad enough as it is. Like a certain troll and her enabling mother who’s always full of excuses. Her latest excuse for her darling daughter’s behavior is that she’s coming out of a broken engagement. But as Alison told her, that’s no excuse for her to use her full name in a blog rant. Besides, she’s the one who let her go to a guy she knew was no good for her.

Then she turns around and replies by saying that part of the troll’s behavior is her fault because of what she writes in her own blogs. That’s ridiculous. Just utterly ridiculous! I’ve read all her blogs. Nothing in them is inappropriate in any way nor does it go beyond first names. To say that Aly’s partly responsible is like saying a woman who is raped is partly at fault because she wore bright pink lipstick. How fucked up is that?! But knowing the troll, she no doubt lied and told her mother that Alison wrote some really horrible things about her that she never wrote. She’s also crazy and delusional so she may perceive her posts as being more than they really were, and as paranoid as she is, she probably thinks Alison’s out to get her. That’s another trait of people with her type of illness. She’s written many blogs about fearing that people are spying on her and plotting against her when all we want her to do is just leave us alone. But as we know, she’s never going to learn to leave those alone that dislike her. That’s what she lives for; focusing her time and energy on those who simply don’t care. If her only choices in life were to associate with those who like her and truly care about her and want her in their life, versus those who don’t want anything to do with her, it’s a no-brainer as to what she’d choose. That’s just what sick people do. They choose destruction and hate over love and productivity.

The only good thing is that the almost-as-crazy mother has been keeping her offline, even if we know damn well it won’t last more than a week or two. Someone’s been in her Thoughts account, but it couldn’t be the troll because the troll wouldn’t be in it without posting her usual mythical sob stories. I have no idea who it is and what they could be doing since whoever it is never posts anything.

Amber keeps checking my KB profile even though that blog is private. LOL, I hate to cut her out if she’s that interested in my writing like she has been lately, but these days I’m only using that blog for the stuff I send Maliheh. She loves cats and so I set up the entries there to include cat pictures. The only reason I made it private is that she gets to read things I don’t normally put online. Maybe I should set it back to members only and see if she comes back.

When you study many languages you learn the similarities they often share. Where there’s a c in English there’s usually a k in German – America, Amerika. Words that end with ect in English usually end in ecto in Spanish and etto in Italian – perfect, perfecto, perfetto. But mastering a lot of this damn German grammar becomes a matter of guessing and memorizing since oftentimes there are no set rules. It is one frustrating language!

MONDAY, MARCH 5, 2012
Got a beautiful shiny new necklace yesterday at Target. This one was $20 so it should be a little better quality than some of the cheaper ones. It’s on the skinniest chain I ever saw. It’s a silver chain and has light blue gems glued to a round cylinder. So you always see them no matter what part of it is facing you.

I also grabbed a bottle of bright fuchsia nail polish, which has got to be the fastest-drying polish I’ve ever used. In seconds it loses its shine and dries to a dull matte finish that’s not as pretty as it looks in the bottle, but still pretty nonetheless.

We also grabbed a stand fan to use for working out now that the weather’s going to start warming up. I was using that wimpy fan that goes to the drying rack and that doesn’t move much air. If it did it would blow the clothes off the rack.

So we spent about $45 and picked up our mail, which is mostly junk mail.

I crashed at 1pm and by 4pm it was a sauna in the bedroom even with the fan on and the window cracked. I had to get up and push the window open further and turn the fan up higher. Tom also ran the cooler on ‘vent.’ If we don’t make it out of here this year I will positively scream! Just totally, totally go out of my fucking mind! This is such a hard place to live in if you can’t keep a schedule. The flimsy walls and thin metal roof with no attic makes the place get super cold and super hot so damn easily. It is very hard to control the temperature in here. I miss being in a real house sooo much! But I’m afraid that our lovely God above who seems to think this is all we deserve is either going to trap us here or see to it that we can’t get into an adult community for some reason. IDK, maybe they won’t like that I’m 46 or maybe they won’t like that Tom’s a temp. I’m hoping that won’t come up or that they’ll be understanding if it does. Everyone’s a temp these days.

Tom says he’s eligible for a year and a half of unemployment and not just 6 months, but the longer he’s on unemployment, should they lay him off soon, the longer it will take to move. Especially if the next job is only minimum wage. Besides, they’re not going to want to rent to someone who just started a new job.

I just hope we can make it to an adult community and that it will be more peaceful than this place. It’s usually quiet at night here, but I am so, so sick of listening to those fucking dogs every single fucking time that cock zooms out of here. The barking dogs, the roaring motorcycles, the buzzing saws… I am just so, so sick of it. And the lack of space.

But I do have my concerns about an adult community too…lots of company coming and going at the neighboring houses, sales and religious people knocking on the door, etc. I don’t expect to never hear a sound, but it’s still hard to imagine an adult community being full of barking and loud vehicles. Hopefully, we’ll get to find out so we can move on to the next decision and that would be how much to furnish the place. If by some chance we’re just going to leave the area in a year or two, it may not be worth investing in too much stuff.

My weight is continuing to soar, so next Monday I plan to jump back on the diet wagon. Don’t know if I’ll get very far, but maybe I can at least stop from gaining anymore for a while. I seem to be better at preventing added weight than I do at taking it off anyway.

Andy said his mom thinks my mom’s worth about a million dollars and while I wish to hell she was right, there’s no way. There’s just no way. I don’t think they ever had that much money at their best of times. First of all, the condo, stores and cars probably aren’t worth more than about 200K. Secondly, I don’t remember the name of the site, but a couple of years ago we were browsing through online documents that suggested my parents owed more on things than I first thought. It was a site that lists things like mortgage deeds, loans, repossessed items and things like that.

They lived so extravagantly that they probably squandered the vast majority of what they inherited. Then there’s the cost of hospitals and medications that escalated as they aged. Medicare only covers so much. They had to spend the money on extras. I’m not saying they’re not more comfortable than Tom and I will ever be. Just the fact that they do have a nice condo, a store and a couple of nice cars alone says that. But I still don’t think we’ll get much in the end. It depends on how right I am in fearing we’re meant to be poor most of our lives. As of yet, I have no reason to think we’re not going to be. We have spent so, so much of our lives struggling! Even when he was making big bucks in Arizona, that damn house we never should’ve gotten sucked up so much money. Then I was stupidly blowing tons of money on my doll collection, another thing that was fun at the time but that I later came to regret, up in Oregon. So we were poor when we were and poor when we weren’t. Now that we’ve smartened up and got our act together, I fear whatever’s up there will “get us” financially in other ways. Ways that are out of our control like throwing my husband on unemployment for 2.5 years. I also fear that the more money they may leave us, the more God will have Tammy spite us out of it.

I still think it will be around 10K, 20K if we’re lucky. If we’re “fated” to be poor no matter what we do, it can’t be much. However, I also can’t deny that the hints they’ve dropped do suggest more than it being something that would just help us out temporarily. As long as we can pay for the necessities and never have to go through the fear again of possibly having to kill ourselves to escape starving on the streets, that’s good enough for me. And the right to live in peace without having to hear other people’s animals. Anything else after that is considered a bonus.

Tom said he didn’t want to get my hopes up, but the “paperwork” Mom said she’s waiting on before sending Dad’s ashes and the pictures she mentioned sending, could have to do with life insurance.

Nah, I don’t think so. She would have mentioned it. I think the paperwork is just the usual standard process one has to go through with social security and all that once they’re deceased.

Anyway, I’m going to eat, work out, shower, and just enjoy the next 6 hours of peace before I have to listen to Jesse’s shit. He must be loving the hell out of this drought. We’re like a million inches behind in rainfall this year!

Molly made one single post from the library yesterday on Blogger saying she misses being online but her mother took away her Internet again for badmouthing Alison. You would think by now she would get it – that trashing people means losing her online privileges. But apparently, the little baby just doesn’t get it. It’s one thing to make mistakes in life, but another to keep making the same damn ones over and over and over. Nonetheless, I just had to share the link to the post on Facebook and be sure to set it public for whenever Mommy Dearest thinks her daughter’s magically “changed” and can go online without stalking and trashing people.

She never mentioned the phone number message, something I did end up doing. Oh well. She probably never checks her email accounts and only creates them to create her 10 million accounts on all the sites she uses.

SUNDAY, MARCH 4, 2012
Sometimes I wonder about the things people tell me in my dreams. For someone who’s had dream premonitions and has had people come out and tell her that yes, certain things I dreamt of them doing, having, thinking or saying were actually true, I wonder about these things at times. I think of certain things people I know have told me in my dreams, both good and bad, and I wonder if they’re true at all.

As I have told people before, I don’t mind explaining myself to a degree to those who are curious, but I do mind being judged and told that my way of thinking, believing and doing is wrong. My attitude is that unless you specifically ask for my opinion, I don’t do it to you, so don’t do it to me. :) So don’t say I didn’t warn you up front if you don’t like what’s on my mind right now that I’m about to write about. You see, they say you can’t meet a nice girl in a bar. Well, guess what folks? Sometimes you can’t even meet one out in the country! I live out in the country and I am anything but nice at times. In some people’s eyes that would be because I’ve been thinking and wondering a lot lately about what kind of inheritance I may be in for a little more than I’d like to be. But not because I feel selfish or guilty for it so much as because I don’t want to get my hopes up for nothing. I’ve already been teased from above with the prospect of money before and I promised myself the last time it happened about 5 years ago that I would never let it happen again. But every time I start to tell myself it can’t be more than around 10K since it seems something up there wants us to struggle most of the time, I start to wonder if there’s any chance I may be wrong.

Andy said he didn’t understand why I’d care more about my mom than my siblings when she’s the one, after all, who helped make them who they are and who also made much of my own life quite miserable.

It’s true. My mother was a very negative, moody and domineering person who said and did an awful lot of mean things to us that will leave us scarred forever. Most of the abuse was verbal and emotional, but every now and then she liked to show her anger with the palm of her hand. One time she slapped me so hard – it was at the beach but I don’t remember where; my back or my ass, I think – and it stung and burned so bad it was all I could do to keep from screaming out in pain. I held it in, though, for I knew that would only make it worse.

Thank God I wasn’t like I am now for I would have mauled her. Same with my brother and uncles for threatening and pushing me around the way they loved to do when I wasn’t “fast enough” when we’d be out running errands or whatever. I was just a wimpy, defenseless kid at the time and they could have and would have kicked my ass and maybe even killed me had I tried to fight back. But the modern-day Jodi knows it’s best to stay away from these people because she’s now the stronger one and she also has a very nasty temper when pushed far enough. Normally I would never touch anyone who didn’t touch me first or someone I loved or my stuff. But there are a few people that wouldn’t quite have to go to such extremes to get a taste of my own hand, and worse – my fist and feet as well. Why not? I would only go to jail for 5 minutes since this country loves to take the more serious crimes a lot less seriously than it does the petty crimes. You can spend months in jail for something you say, but you’ll only get a slap on the wrist for beating the shit out of someone. Besides, they’re as white as I am and they’re “family.” I’ll continue to keep my distance, though, but if they could magically appear before my eyes, they just may be worth that 5 minutes. :)

I’m willing to forgive almost anything, but there are some exceptions. I know some folks could forgive their own murderers, but I have my limits. My family and our racist ex-neighbors have made that list of limitations. My immediate family has been abusive and if my extended family hasn’t they’ve at least had big mouths or totally alienated me. So, seeing that my brother and uncles (though one of those uncles is dead and the other’s got to be close) are bullies and my sister is a vindictive bitch who will do anything to spite you and make you miserable if she gets pissed at you, you would think I would be in a hurry to do away with the whole damn “family.” Oh, I am. Make no mistake there. But I’m also that mean, selfish country bitch who, like most people in the world, isn’t exactly going to not conveniently be around with the palm of her hand stretched out to anyone who may want to plop some money in it. The only difference is that I’m one of the few who can admit it, even though I will only share this entry in full with just a couple of my closest friends.

When my sister defended her abusive ex and shocked the shit out of me by proving she was obviously still in love with the bastard even though she’d already moved on to the next man (Tammy can’t stand to live alone any more than I can stand apartments), I had no idea she’d go so far as to call the cops.

I don’t have a problem with admitting when I’m guilty of something any more than I have a problem with admitting I’m innocent of something. Well, I was 100% guilty of letting her ex have it both by phone and in a letter for abusing her and her older daughter whom she had with some loser in Texas. I don’t regret one single word I said either. But you can imagine the shock I felt not only when I learned she called the pigs, but when I also learned there was a warrant out for my arrest on account of our old neighbors. They used a cop friend (my next shocker) to set me up for lodging a complaint against them for noise and vandalism. This was a threatening letter filled with racial slurs the pig shoved in my hands to get my prints on during our little “interrogation.” I had no idea what was going on at the time and was naive to the law other than being dragged into court for prank calls they barely slapped me on the wrist for. So I lost 6 months and thousands of dollars for words on paper that weren’t even mine, and it wasn’t until 2.5 years into the probation part of the 3-year sentence that I was finally acquitted.

So that’s why I don’t think I could ever fully forgive God, my family and the old neighbors. Sorry, but they went a little beyond not returning a pair of pants they borrowed, or spilling coffee on my floor and not offering to help clean it up.

But despite the fact that my mother certainly put me through a lot more hell than my siblings, there’s still this strange sort of connection I feel with her. Yeah, she made my life hell, but she also saved Tom and me back in the motels in 2007. They say God doesn’t give us more than we can handle but He damn near did just that and had she and Dad not stepped in and pulled us out of the quicksand when they did, that’s exactly what we would’ve gotten - more than we could handle. Tom might’ve been tough enough to survive the streets for a while, but if God had pushed me just a little further into the dark I probably wouldn’t be alive right now to write this. I don’t know if it’s literally a “God.” It’s just a generic term I use cuz I don’t know what else to call it.

But there will always be this sort of odd connection I will feel for my parents, dead or alive, just like Tom will feel for his mother despite her turning her back on us in our time of need. Things almost got as bad up in Oregon as they did down here when we first got there. Expenses and problems came up that we simply couldn’t have anticipated at the time.

I personally lost all respect for his mom the day she decided to stop being a mother to my husband and a MIL to me. Especially since we had done so, so much for her down in Arizona. We gave up so much time and money to that woman who for a while became more like a daughter to us than anything else. Nonetheless, I always told Tom it was his mother and his choice and I will support whatever he chooses to do about her. Just because I don’t agree with something doesn’t mean I’m going to try to stop it from happening.

But his family isn’t the kiss-and-make-up type, nor do they hold grudges. They simply “move on.” So we don’t expect anyone to ever contact anyone, but that is probably a good thing. I think that when you accumulate a certain degree of history that’s negative, you’re probably better off keeping it as history and just continuing on your own ways. What can happen once can always happen twice. Tammy’s current man can beat the shit out of her right in front of me and I wouldn’t do a damn thing about it. Not if I’m the one she’s going to turn on. Besides, as sad as it is, there are some women who actually like abuse and my sister seemed to be one of them. Every kick, slap and punch was one more reason to feel sorry for herself and to be the sympathy junkie that she is. Same with Rihanna. Yeah, Chris is a real shit and I hope he hits the wrong woman someday that’ll give him a taste of his own cuts and bruises, but it’s hard to feel sorry for a woman who has more than enough money, support and resources to escape a bastard like that but doesn’t. And why? Because she liked the abuse and the attention it brought to her and her career, that’s why.

Back to that nagging question. How much might I get when my mom goes? Andy’s mom said she heard she got a fortune from her own parents, but how much is a “fortune?” Wouldn’t that depend on a lot of factors? After what we went through, just having a grand in savings is a fortune to me! She may’ve blown a lot of that fortune, though. For years she lived high off the hog while I lived like a little bum in the slums back when I was on disability. She was a very materialistic woman who only accepted the best life had to offer.

He suggested waiting a few months, then bringing up the subject of wills with her but I never could bring myself to do that and don’t think I ever could. I don’t know why, but how do you ask your mother, good mom or not, “Hey, what are you leaving me when you go bye-bye?” Besides, I figure she’ll tell me whatever I need to know whenever I need to know it, and if she doesn’t, she’ll have Tammy or someone else tell me. All I know is that I can’t walk away from Tammy yet, nor can I trust her to give me our share. Hopefully, Mom will be smart enough to have an unbiased and independent person she trusts to do that part cuz if Tammy could rip Larry off, for example, do you think she’d hesitate? Hell, I sure wouldn’t! But last I knew Tammy was indeed the executor of the will.

When mom’s parents died, they had 2 kids to divvy their assets to, while my mom has 3. They didn’t sell the exterminating business. They gave it to her bastard brother. But there was the house and 2 luxury cars. All 5 grandkids got a couple of grand, too.

In my parents’ case, there’s the condo, store, and 2 luxury cars, but I don’t know how much they owe on these things. I also don’t know if they plan to split things evenly amongst all their kids or give more to whoever’s needier which would probably be us. I still don’t expect much, but even if it were just a few grand, well, if the car crapped out or we had an illness or an injury being uninsured as we are, that few grand could really come in handy even if it wouldn’t last long. So if the lady who told me I never should’ve been born and that she’d “cripple” me if I stole another snack or toy from another fellow preschooler has anything she’d like to give me, I’ll take it. It can’t undo the past and I’m sorry she’s suffering right now but still, I’ll take it. Any bit of cash helps. Five grand won’t undo the fact that my mother got rid of me at age 15 so she could have a “quieter” house, but it should get me dentures when my teeth really go to hell. Another five grand won’t undo the fact that she taunted me about my weight (even though she herself was fat) until I became anorexic for a while in my teens at just 85 pounds, but it would get my husband and I to Florida.

I wasn’t locked in dark closets for days. I wasn’t beaten to the point of needing to go to the hospital. But sometimes the “lesser” forms of abuse can be bad enough. They say that a lot of my behavior problems in the past stemmed from this abuse, but that doesn’t mean I don’t try to change myself for the better. Perhaps I should’ve started bettering myself at 18 instead of 28, but I’m always working on it. Even if that means continually having to restrain myself from doing things I know I shouldn’t do.

Later…

As a child, I was the “cutest” little thing most people said they ever saw. In my 20s I was a stripper. In my 30s I was still being hit on or gawked at by almost every man I passed. In my 40s I am old, fat, gray and ugly-looking. Time to make up for those “beautiful” years! And payback’s a real bitch too, as I wonder why some folks in their 50s aren’t even gray yet while I sit here with my hair gunked up with dye at 46.

And what the fuck is wrong with my brain lately? I’m making all kinds of writing errors. Andy’s been kind enough to catch them for me, but it’s still not like me. Neither is forgetting things like crazy.

I called and checked in with Mom yesterday. She sounded a bit perkier. As I suspected, Tammy went back home, but the pedophile is still there. I asked how she was getting along and she said she was able to make her bed. Again, despite the abuse in the past it was hard not to feel a sense of sadness over that statement. When being able to make your bed becomes one of your best accomplishments it’s just plain sad.

She didn’t call me Tammy this time or think I was in Oakland, but she still asked me the same questions and told me the same things several times. She’s definitely not as with it as she used to be. She “lost” her phone after dropping it around the place somewhere so she had to keep me on speakerphone. This is totally unlike her because she’s always been an organized neat freak.

My weight is finally climbing. Yeah, I figured it would. Even my bra is tighter. Fucking 40C tits – WTF? beats head Starting next week it’s Q10 for me and a starting point of 1400 calories with a 200-calorie burn. When that doesn’t work I’ll drop another hundred calories from my diet and add another hundred to my workout. At least I know I won’t gain with the 1400 cals/200-cal burn. But I want to lose 20 pounds and drop to 120. I disagree with Tom who says that’s perfect for my age, height and shape. I think 100 would be more ideal, but I’m only in the mood to lose enough to be more comfortable in my clothes and movements, not to look pretty. I’m ugly, I accept it, and one need not look if they don’t like it. Tom tells me I’m not fat and ugly, but he’s my husband. Isn’t he supposed to say that? I don’t look as heavy as I am because I’m still pretty fit, but just letting myself go is easier said than done. I don’t want to keep having to buy new clothes as I get bigger and bigger. I don’t want to have someone else trim my toenails cuz I got too fat to do it myself.

Alison had it out with Molly’s mother again. Aly was still very polite about it, but she let her know that while she may sympathize with her, she’s still making excuses for her, not getting her daughter the help she needs, and as soon as she messes up bad enough, she won’t waste any time taking action against her.

I don’t blame her for feeling the way she does. That lunatic really makes it hard for people to ignore her, and she’s really crossing the line when she starts posting full names. So now you know why I’m hiding. Not just to protect myself, but my friends as well. If I ever go public again on Facebook someday, the one thing you will never see is my friend list unless I’ve added you.

One thing that was funny was something I saw on Blogger. When you delete entries or blogs it says: Sorry, (name of blog) no longer exists. Well, Mommy Dearest must’ve applied some discipline and restraint on the bitch cuz again her latest round of angry rants have been scrapped. Her Blogger blog was called Molly’s Life. So when you try to access it you get: Sorry, Molly’s Life no longer exists. LOL, yeah, she never had a life.

Speaking of abused girls growing up to be naughty ladies that need to control their own behavior, the dipshit goes and posts her number for the world to see and even her email address. I wanted sooo badly to send an anonymous postcard and say things she likes to say like, “I’m lonely. Help me! I need a friend. Can we talk?” then give her own phone number, hahaha.

I’m surprised she still hasn’t risen to the bait. Someone’s been online in her account, but there’s been no blog activity for a couple of days now.

Also, Nane posted on Irene’s wall: Greetings, Irene, from sunny Munich where the weather isn’t too bad.

Irene replied with: Greetings, Marion (that’s her first name), from sunny Salzburg where the weather’s a little better than not too bad.

Well, I had to really sit on my hands to keep from typing: Greetings, Hündin and Irene, from even sunnier NorCal where the weather’s better than both of yours could ever be in early March! Take care, Spitze Nase and Irene. :)

FRIDAY, MARCH 2, 2012
Weird. Just weird. Not only did I wake up to find not one single email message waiting for me, but there was also no reply from my sister. Something must be going on with her, but I don’t know what. I don’t even know what state she’s in right now, though I had assumed she headed back up north.

Then again she could still be down in Florida dealing with the family drama I’m sooo glad I don’t have to be a part of.

I feel a lot of things right now – anger, sadness, peace. I’m at peace because my father didn’t suffer in the end and money isn’t something we need to worry about right now. I’m sad because I miss my father and know I will never see him again. I’m angry for the same old, never-ending family bullshit and because Jesse wouldn’t let me mourn the death of my father in peace. I intend to do something about that too, when he no longer has a hold on us. Don’t worry. It will be perfectly legal whatever it is which, at best, would probably mean just giving him a piece of my mind which will make me feel a little better. Getting things off my chest in my journal is one thing. Confronting the source is another. Sometimes we need to do just that too, but there is a time and a place for these things.

By 7:30 AM yesterday morning the dogs were already going off, and I’m sure they’re going to go crazy all night long tonight or tomorrow night or both, so I put the sound machines on in advance. I don’t want to even know what’s going on up there. I’m still rather fragile at this point and if pushed and provoked a wee bit too much I just may end up in jail for the same reasons I would have if I’d been in Florida with the “family.”

Sometimes I think it really sucks that I’ll never see my friends, both cyber and not, but I know and accept that there’s a 99% chance I won’t. Well, maybe it’s down to about 95% with Alison because we’re both talking about moving to Florida. It just may be years before it happens, if it does.

They bumped Tom’s hours up a bit, so now he’s leaving at 7:30 and getting in around 5:00 assuming there’s no OT.

The tracking site I was using took away their free trial option, so I plugged my code into my “secret” Thoughts blog and am going to use the remainder of my free year there. I’ve got till June 18th.

I’m really surprised the troll hasn’t stumbled upon that blog yet and figured it was me. I will admit that a part of me misses her regular visits and I kind of get a kick out of the idea of her reading any references I may make pertaining to her, then running and bitching about it in her own blog. But as delusional and as misguided as she is, she probably assumes I’m talking about her even when I’m not. I could say, “Man, that furry little thing is getting fat!” Then she’ll automatically think I mean her when I mean my pet rat.

Even though I’ll probably regret it, I put out the bait yesterday by commenting from this other blog on one of Aly’s posts as if I didn’t know Aly after letting Aly know what I was up to, sure that this would lure her to my blog. Well, unless she read it from the library (though I think mommy’s been letting her go online), she hasn’t been to my blog, nor has she mentioned it from her own blog.

Finally, I left a reply to one of her status updates agreeing that “a smile goes a long way” as she quoted from Aly’s BF.

The stupid idiot left one of her 10,000 email addies on Blogger so I sent an anonymous postcard saying things like she would say – I was lonely, needed a friend and wanted to chat. Meanwhile, I left her own cell number, LOL.

Later…

I haven’t been mentioning the “case” much lately since being preoccupied with losing Dad and other more important things.

Still no warrant out on me that I could see so I guess that means that whatever “evidence” they think they’ve got on me isn’t federal. I just wonder what it is, and again, was the cop even real? I may’ve been dumb enough to bother contacting her but I wasn’t dumb enough to make threats or use racial slurs. But I’d be willing to bet they made some alterations to make it look like I sure did. There’s just nothing they could build a case on that I actually gave them unless our laws are even more twisted than I realized. It doesn’t matter, though. She screwed me once; she won’t screw me twice. I refuse to let her or to be punished for words. Words. Just harmless words. As far as I’m concerned I did nothing wrong and that’s plenty good enough for me. I simply expressed myself as every human being should have the right to do whether we want to hear it or not.

But the thing is that from my experience it seems that the law likes to do things in 3-month intervals, so I’m a bit nervous about what April may bring, despite the fact that being in California should be protection enough and especially since I’m off the grid. It was 3 months after my little interrogation with the black pig that they decided to issue a warrant. It was 3 months from when they arrested me till sentencing day. It was 3 months after they were snooping into my Google records that they let me know they made a case. It will be 3 months in April since they let me know this wonderful news.

But if they have a Plan B to fall back on, what could it possibly be?

Tom just said it couldn’t be federal since no one from any federal division like the FBI came to talk to me. I guess he’s got a point.

I guess I really, REALLY have let the PTSD let paranoia take over my mind completely.

THURSDAY, MARCH 1, 2012
Sent a message to Tammy thanking her for going to Florida and helping out in ways that I can’t. I let her know that while I would never try to persuade others to dump or buddy up to whoever, I still have absolutely no respect for Larry and the hypocrite is still not welcome in my life. Two strikes and you’re pretty much out of my life for good. I let her know that while we have the money to fly to Florida, Tom can’t just take time off from work, I’m unable to drive, of course. So that’s why I appreciate her going there.

For the first two days after learning of my father’s death, I cried on and off. Then I stopped. But earlier I was thinking of him and the tears sprung forth once again.

Tom’s still waiting to find out if he can get a permanent position at work and is also going to be filling out apps for other places that list permanent jobs, even though it’s a long shot. On the rare occasion there happens to be a permanent spot open, especially in this state, it’s snatched up in a heartbeat.

Haven’t been working on my book lately at all. Maybe I can coax myself into doing some writing soon enough. I’m just not sure if I want to continue on with the story I’ve been working on or not.

The CoQ10 is helping Tom feel a little more energetic and he noticed his weight is down a bit. I did some research and there does seem to be a connection between CoQ10 and weight loss.

The rat’s been going stir crazy so I guess I’ll let him out of his cage for a while.

Later…

I swore 14 years ago when I told my brother to fuck off and turned my back on him just like he did to me when I was 21 that I would never let him piss me off again, but here I am all these years later furious and wishing I could rip him apart but glad he is out of reach knowing how badly I could hurt him these days. He’s a fat, out-of-shape, aging smoker and if I lost it on him I’d only end up in jail for assault. So yeah, I kinda have mixed emotions about the cock being out of reach.

I sent Tammy a message thanking her for helping mom. Although I could afford to fly there, without being able to drive there’d be nothing I could do that couldn’t be done over the phone and they know and understand this. For that I am grateful. I also told her that while I’d never try to persuade others to like or dislike someone (in most cases) I still have absolutely zero respect for Larry and he is not welcome in my life. Two strikes and you’re pretty much gone forever no matter if you’re family or if I’ve known you forever or if you’re the hottest chick on earth. I’m hard to obtain for a friend but easy to lose and I don’t care how many people would disagree with me being the way I am. I am who I am, period. I just can’t bring myself to keep forgiving the same damn people for the same damn shit over and over again, but Larry’s the same way so that’s even more of a reason not to feel guilty for the way I feel about the little fuck.

I’m not even sure I feel guilty for not being in touch with the family for a decade. I do and I don’t. I mean, yeah I feel some degree of guilt because I am 46 years old yet I gave my parents just 36 years. On the other hand, I did what I felt was best for me at the time. Same with Andy and I. Perhaps the break was good for each other, but I still feel bad about it. He is easily one of the most forgiving people I have ever known while my sister is the most loyal.

She told me (this is what led to me getting pissed off, though it’s not her I’m pissed at right now) that while Dad’s eyes were still open she promised him that she would always stay in touch with me. I felt bad and even a touch guilty because I know she may very well have made Dad a promise she might not be able to keep because I can’t promise that I myself will always want to stay in touch with her.

“You should treat yourself like you expect others to treat you,” a friend told me years ago. “You don’t bother with those that judge and criticize the way you handle things and the things you say and do. So why don’t you give yourself the same respect? Quit judging yourself, Jodi, and stop beating yourself up for past events that can’t be changed or undone. Just be yourself and handle things the way you feel is best for you and not in the way you think most would find correct or agreeable.”

Well, they’ve got a point. If I’m not going to let others get away with telling me I’m wrong for this or wrong for that, should I really let my own self get away with doing that? Then again, I’m the only one who does and should have that right. Only we should be allowed to judge and critique ourselves.

So I’m going to just let myself feel what I feel whether it’s “normal” or “right” or not. And right now, since I don’t want to go to jail for assault, I really wish my brother would pick up a gun and blow his fucking brains out. He needs to get out of the family and get out of the will (if there really is one). All that cock does is cause trouble. He pisses people off, he pits them against each other, he causes arguments, he lies, sticks his nose where it doesn’t belong, he’s a hypocrite, and he doesn’t deserve a single penny when mom’s own time comes. I know it’s not for me to say as it’s mom’s money and mom’s stuff. She’s certainly not going to dump her own son simply because her daughters would like her to and feel it would be in everyone’s best interest.

Larry leaves nothing but a trail of anger down just about every path that damn little cock travels. Like I said, his being 6’ 2” and having 100 pounds on me couldn’t and wouldn’t save him. But since I can’t bash him into oblivion the best I can do is make him sick or injure him, and I don’t even have to try with the mood-influencing thing. Piss me off enough and you’ll be sick or hurt whether I want you to be or not. You think Molly’s always complaining in her blog about how sick she is because she’s a walking pharmacist and a hypocrite? Not likely! I may be starting to wonder if I’ll ever have another dream premonition again but the evidence is still there to suggest I’m still the “firestarter without the fire.” You know, like how fire would erupt every time Drew got pissed in the movie Firestarter. It’s another reason Nane dumped me, though I don’t know that she’d admit it. I was “seeing” things and learning things about her in my dreams. Things I shouldn’t know and that she never told me.

Ok, let me finally cut to the chase. My sister may be a liar in many cases but I totally believe her when she said that the 21-year-old bimbo Larry brought along with him whom he’s been with since it was 14 was playing Nintendo games in Dad’s ICU as he was dying. She said she would have gone after them both if it weren’t for Mom and Dad.

Yeah, I saw the child-woman on Larry’s friend list and figured that was the “friend” mom said he brought along. Her name is Stephanie, she looks like a young version of his ex-wife, and Larry listed her as “one of the people he loves.” I knew my brother was a slut, but a cradle robber? Jeez! I’ve always been attracted to older women/men myself, even when I was young. But I’d really have to wonder what the hell was wrong with me if I was 14 and hot for a then 51-year-old. What, is this a case of a missing daddy make-up or something like that in this kid’s mind?

I can totally picture Larry’s lame excuse for the Nintendo thing too, saying some shit like, “Well, what else could we do? Life still has to go on.”

Yeah, life has to go on, big bro, but Nintendo games while your own father’s lying there dying??? Ok, so maybe I said it was wrong to judge others, but this is about my father’s final moments. Not about how people think we should be more tolerant of loud, rude and obnoxious neighbors to which no one owes shit simply because they’re black. It’s not about how one may’ve handled an incompetent waitress. It’s not about how one may’ve handled a coworker that pissed them off. Sorry, but something about playing games while someone – anyone – lays dying before you just doesn’t seem right. But that is just my opinion.

She also said something I’m not sure I get that she’ll have to further explain to me. She said, “All 3 of my daughters went after him for what he did to me.” I guess most people would take this to mean her kids physically attacked him for attacking her, but I thought they didn’t even go down to Florida. Regardless, this is why I swore I would never attend the funeral (before I knew there wouldn’t be one). Because I knew that as soon as someone dared just look at me wrong I would beat the living shit out of them. Sorry but I’m just not one you can lay a hand on and simply walk away. My sister is also not only older and out of shape and a smoker, but she has Sjogren’s. She is completely defenseless. But I’m not.

Then again, it doesn’t have to be a funeral. All you have to do is get the family together for whatever reason and if Larry or Ronnie are present, especially Larry, there’s going to be trouble.

Anyway, whatever it is he did to Tammy isn’t why I’m pissed. I’m not close to Tammy and as “wrong” as some would say it is, I am indifferent to her and what may happen to her. I simply don’t care. What does have me pissed is the fun and games that went on by my father’s deathbed, and the thought of Larry getting any kind of inheritance. Again, I don’t know that there will be any to get and I don’t think it will be much if there is. If God really has decided that Tom and I should never have much more than say a few grand at a time, then it’s not going to be much. But I have a feeling that while I’ll probably always need money more than Tammy, Tammy will need it more than Larry. Larry was also a shit of a son who is totally undeserving whether he needs money or not. I may’ve stayed away for 10 years, but I at least had the decency to write every so often just to let my folks know I was still alive. He didn’t even do that much in the 15-20 years he ignored my folks.

Heart disease affected and then killed my father, an uncle, and both my grandfathers. So then why is it that this bastard hasn’t even had a slight heart attack?! That’s alright, big bro, you’re going to be so fucking sick for so long!

Sooner or later the cock’s gonna go up against the wrong woman. One he simply cannot handle. Doesn’t have to be a woman, though, just anyone. God let the wrong Larry die that night back in 1997, and again, I don’t care who gets pissed or thinks I’m fucked in the head for saying so. In fact, right this very minute I am feeling my legs, made strong and powerful from running and fantasizing about them connecting with great force against that damn prick’s throat. Think I just work out to look and feel better? Uh-uh, I also do it for any punks with the wrong idea, female or male, that is within reach. :) I wasn’t in the Funny Farm in the early 80s for being “funny” in any way. Try scary instead, though most of my destruction back then was against myself.

I think part of why I’ve come to love Maliheh is that I know I can say this shit to her and she’ll understand. She’s not just good-looking, smart or talented. She gets it. Really gets it. And believe me when I say Andy’s the last one that’s gonna give me that shame-on-you! routine for having some very deadly thoughts about Jesse’s fucking mutts, so he gets it, too. He may not get why I want to get rid of these goddamn teeth, but he gets the dog thing. So do some others.

For a while, Nane put a complex on me about sharing any negative experiences with others after she accused me of just “messing” with her and then dumping me. But I not only know she knew damn well I wasn’t playing with her and that she was simply accusing me of what she herself was doing, but that’s how I know who my real friends are is by sharing all of me with them. And the ones who can handle it all are the truest.

I have such mixed emotions about my mom right now. I wish she’d live forever but I also wish she would just go on to join Dad because I know she’s not only got to be absolutely miserable and is suffering both physically and mentally, but then I can just wash my hands clean of what’s left of the so-called “family” and be done with the damn drama forever. Thus far I’ve only been hanging on for her sake, cuz again, if I wouldn’t allow myself to have friends like this, why allow family members like this in my life?

Tammy wants to talk on the phone and that’s another thing I’m not happy about. I’m just not sure what to do. I don’t want to say no at such a hard time in our lives, but I also don’t want to give her the wrong idea and think we’re buddies. Blood or not, I do not want to be her buddy! She’s not only not my type to be buds with but she’s simply too vindictive when she’s pissed at you.

On top of my sadness for Dad and my anger for Larry, there’s the troll that’s pissing me off. I feel bad for Aly because she’s not only bashing her in her public blog, but sometimes she uses her full name. I’m also pissed for myself because I feel like I’m being forced to hide. But not just for my own sake. It’s for any friends’ sake as well, be it future or present friends. She doesn’t just harass us but our friends as well and I can’t convince and stop all of them from acknowledging her, and the more attention you give her, the worse it will be for you in the end. Then they come to regret it and all I can say is: I told you so. She goes right down the line from friend to friend. Since discovering how to contact Aly’s BF and Kat’s hubby, she’s now stalking and harassing them as well.

They really need to find a way to prevent multiple accounts from being created from the same household! But sadly, people can just reset their modem, thus creating a whole new IP address.

I thought my weight would climb faster than a terrified cat climbing a tree to escape a vicious dog, but it’s holding pretty steady. For now anyway. I’m gonna CoQ10 myself if Tom keeps losing weight. He’s not only lost some weight, but he’s not feeling nearly as run down.

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Last updated August 14, 2024