October 2011 in 2010s

MONDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2011
Alison emailed a letter to the police chief at the troll’s local PD. :) I’m proud of her! And so the ball is rolling, but where it ends up remains to be seen. Gotta admit my buddy’s got more guts than I do. I wish I could say otherwise but I have no faith in the system or those running it. One decade and two states ago I got sick of their abuse of authority and their lies, and therefore I lost my ability to trust in the system altogether. Because of it, I let an awful lot of shit happen to me. I guess I also didn’t want to appear as vengeful as some others have been. You hear about double standards and people’s civil rights being violated but you never expect it to happen to you. You never think you’ll be told a certain problem is “over” just to find it’s not. You never expect to be promised a year of probation - not that you even deserve a minute of it for words on paper you never forced anyone to read - only to end up wishing that was all you got. You never expect to “go down” for what you’re led to believe are journal excerpts you wrote (perhaps with some alterations on their part), that you later learn was really for a letter you never sent. You never expect a sentence fit for a wife-beater. You never expect those who are supposed to uphold the law to tweak and break the terms of your probation at will all the while knowing that your own ass will be back in the slammer if you so much as stray a millimeter from those precious rules and that the honesty and integrity of the “victims” who the actual perps were were never once questioned.

But I have vowed to move on and put these people and these events in the past where they belong. If they want to hang onto their own hate and obsession – fine, they’re welcome to do so and that’s their problem if they can’t get over it, wherever they may be these days. I’m only making a point as to why it’s so hard to trust the system.

I also don’t believe people should waste the time of the police, corrupt or honest, unless someone’s actually done something and not just because of what they might have said. Well, the troll I’m referring to has started to cross the “spoken” boundaries.

Later…

Took a two-hour nap but am not really sure if I fell asleep. Did I?

Tom just got up and will be gone in a couple of hours, leaving me feeling once again like a fish in a bowl who hopes no one will try to stick a net in and fish out. I wasn’t going to do certain activities like play music that could be heard outside in case anyone came down to try to arrest me, but that would really be letting them control me. So I refuse to be as quiet as a mouse and do things at certain times. If they come down here I’m not opening the door whether they hear me in here or not. I can’t stop them from making Jesse open the door, but I’m not going to make their “job” any easier for them.

I keep telling myself they have nothing on me and they couldn’t possibly arrest or sue me. But what if they framed me or I wrote something I think is legal that’s really not? Or what if I don’t get in trouble for anything I said about the freeloaders but for the pigs instead? They spited Amanda Knox when she had less than kind words to say about the way they mistreated her. Ok, so this may not be Italy and I may not have said any of them hit me, but I did speak of being set up even if I didn’t use full names. Cops are sensitive and if any of them have a guilty conscience or something to hide, then a certain black pig just may try to pull something on me. It just won’t win this time. I would literally kill myself first same as I would have killed myself to escape the streets like I thought I was going to have to do and was prepared to do. 2003 was the last time anyone would ever treat me like a child or that I would lose a moment’s freedom or a single penny to the sick black bitch.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2011
I am so fucking sick of the same damn troll that I’ve told to leave me the fuck alone for over two years now!!! She created yet another FB account and sent me a “,,,,,” comment from it, whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean. I blocked her, of course. What disturbs me most, even though I haven’t written anything I absolutely don’t want her to see, is that she was in my blog for over a minute today. Over a minute! What’s up with this blocker lately? And how many more years or decades is this shit going to go on???

I realized posting links to individual entries where she can access them was a dumb idea. She can usually get in for just a few seconds so if she can click each one individually she can read at least the beginning of the entry. But some days I write more than one entry, and believe it or not she also takes a few days off from my blog occasionally, so by the time she got a chance to scroll down to what she’s missed she should be kicked out.

I’m really surprised she hasn’t harassed me on Formspring in a while, but that’ll come next, I’m sure.

Although childish perhaps, now I’m toying with the fucktard. I tweeted a post about dreaming about her showing up here in an adult diaper. Then I ran and deleted the post. Oh, how frustrating it’s gonna be for her to click the link just to see that the URL can’t be found, LOL.

The bad freeloaders/corrupt cop vibes have faded. If anything I feel like something good is about to happen. But that doesn’t mean I’m “off the hook.” They could still try to set me up for some kind of fall.

Looking back in my Arizona journals before sentencing, it seemed like I both did and didn’t have bad vibes, but also wasn’t as developed as a psychic as I am now. I trust my dreams and vibes and at this point, I can’t see anything bad happening to me/us, no matter what or who may be involved, without me having nightmares at least a day in advance.

I’d say that if they’re going to send a subpoena that I actually receive it will be before the year is out, probably by the middle of next month. If I don’t receive anything that was sent I can start checking for warrants around March or April, figuring that the court date would’ve come and gone by then. Although I can’t imagine how or why, there could already be an arrest warrant out if I’m wanted for questioning, but I’m not going to check now when the pigs may be watching my every online move on the off chance it wasn’t a scam. All I can do for now is keep on praying them off and hope something up there does more than just hear me. As in actually listening to me!

Andy may be covered in snow, but at least the bugs there are dead. Here we have these annoying little flying things that bombing the place would be useless against because they’re small enough to fit through the screens.

Menopause is definitely setting in, so it seems. I usually get woken up with cramps in the middle of my sleep and have to take something. But today I only became aware of them when I woke up for good, and my flow is much lighter, too. I sure am quite a water balloon, though.

Later…

Tom’s going to grab some more groceries, fill our 5-gallon water bottle, and then check the mail. My heart beats with anxiety every goddamn time he goes to get the mail to possibly come home with a subpoena of some kind. sighs I guess it’s going to be like this for the next few months whenever he checks the mail. I try to tell myself that having a default warrant out on me isn’t the end of the world… unless it’s something federal or some kind of lawsuit that could get our wages garnished. If it’s just the state or the city against me, however, then the pigs outside of Arizona couldn’t touch me.

How sad and also ironic it would be if he did come home with a summons of some kind, for it was exactly 11 years today that I was sentenced to half a year in jail, all for words on paper.

Another unfortunate thing just occurred to me. Tom was saying the other day that they rarely kick doors down when serving arrest warrants and how they wouldn’t force their way in so long as I didn’t open the door. But what about Jesse? What if the pigs convinced him to unlock the door or to at least give them the keys?

I keep going back and forth in my mind from ‘the pigs wouldn’t be snooping in my Google account if they didn’t think they had a case against me’ to ‘there’s nothing they could logically charge me with.’

But what’s “logical” about Arizona laws??? The sentences are crazier than the laws themselves, but the laws are crazy enough.

Later…

Thank you, God! Yes, there is a good God at least so far. Instead of coming home with any summons since certain sensitives out there can’t handle some of us who dare to speak our minds – especially us white Jews – he came home with a $25 IHOP GC from my folks. :)))

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2011
Another warm spell has worked its way in, so we’ve decided to put off calling Jesse down to deal with the heater till Thursday. That way if he has plans to take off for the evening we’ll catch him before he gets the chance. It’s still chilly at night but not cold. Not like Andy, LOL. He’s already looking at half a foot of snow and temps in the 20s!

I am so damn tired of trying to find things in here that I refuse to bother trying anymore unless it’s something I absolutely have to have! But is having so much trouble finding things really due to having to have so much shit crammed into tiny places, or is something wrong with my memory these days? I may be getting older, but maybe I’m doing too much too fast. I’m learning several languages, writing several books, and then there’s my regular online work/hobbies, housekeeping and laundry. This weekend I’ve got to clean the bathroom, do laundry, change the rat’s cage and give the grease ball a bath. I don’t know why this rat just can’t keep himself clean like most rats.

Had a weird and detailed dream about us moving to a bigger place somewhere around here. It was nice but part of it didn’t make sense and I really don’t know what to think as far as the house and moving dreams go. One of the Florida dreams suggested we would move there straight from this place, so I’m just not sure what to think or how to read some of these dreams. But they are picking up in frequency and I’ve moved enough to think they might mean something. Who knows, maybe we will move somewhere next year. Been here for 3.5 years already and that’s a long time for me. In the last 25 years, I’ve lived in 9 apartments, 1 duplex, 3 houses, and this trailer. That’s not counting the 4 months we stayed in hotels between Phoenix and Maricopa, the 3 months in hotels in Oregon, and the 8 months in hotels in Sacramento. I only stay in the same place for an average of 1-2 years. The variety was interesting – sometimes even fun – but I’d really love to settle down in a modest, peaceful little house in a Florida adult community as much as I know that’s just a dream.

If the dream meant anything, then good things will keep happening at work, including them hiring him on and maybe even giving him more money. We could afford to move now, I just don’t want to take chances this soon and without him being a permanent employee. I’m still not sure I’d want to take the chance then, but I also don’t want to stay cramped in here forever, so we’ll see.

In the dream, the house appeared to be a long rectangular shape like this trailer only it was a real house. I was standing in the middle of it sort of in a hallway but facing the living room. I glanced left and right and saw bathrooms at both ends of the place just as Tom answered the phone.

It seemed I was only just then realizing it had two bathrooms and was so damn happy about it that I practically shouted with tears of joy about how nice it was to have two bathrooms again.

Tom then said it was my mother calling so I stepped into the living room and took the phone from him and was telling mom about working out and how tomorrow was cardio day and then I gave her our new number. That’s the first part that was weird. I not only didn’t seem to give her an area code, but we wouldn’t get a new number if we stayed in the area and this house “felt” like it was in the area. I remember most of the numbers I gave her too, which were ??0 - 11?0

The other part that didn’t make sense was that the house was close to others. Unless someone practically gave us a place for free, there’s no way I’d live close to others just anywhere. Yet Tom was talking about a houseful of rowdy kids a couple of houses away and I could hear some barking.

At the end of the dream, I was answering Tom’s questions in Spanish. My Spanish was fluent and correct too, unlike some dreams where our second language sometimes comes out either garbled or incorrect.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2011
Currently, I’m a 45-year-old woman living in NorCal. I’m liberal, a bit on the eccentric side, and my passions are writing, music and studying languages. It was 24 years ago that I began journaling consistently. How very different my life was back then! I still prefer the me of today even when things are rough.

I left my MyOpera account public for now so those who may’ve been out of town can have a chance to catch up on anything they might’ve missed since I’m not copying past entries over to Tumblr. Then I may set that blog to friends only.

I tested my own IP again. The first time I could view my blog for 7 seconds. By the third time only 3. But one second is too many when one can take screenshots if they keep scrolling. It’d be a helluva pain in the ass, but it could probably be done with a little determination. And if she doesn’t know this, what’s to say she doesn’t know someone who knows this that could tell her about it?

Later…

Tom got a nice bonus of $125 added to his paycheck. :) But we’re not sure why. It says, “VPP bonus for September.” But he only worked a few days in September.

The big boss also commended him on doing a job well done with a job that was hard. Tom doesn’t think it’s that hard, though. He says it’s hard, yes, but not that hard.

Most people are dumb, like it or not. So what’s not that hard for him probably would be hard for others. The only thing I’ve seen him struggle with is languages.

I have been learning more and more about computers, programs, scripts, code and setting up websites. I love to learn so long as it’s nothing illegal.

I deactivated a couple of accounts on sites I no longer use. That way no one could leave me messages there that I might not check for but would otherwise want to know about.

Since the nights are getting chillier we have to get Jesse down this weekend to fix the heater. While it may be a nuisance to have to deal with, the best part is that it won’t cost us a dime. :) Who knows how big or costly a job it will end up being? He may have to get someone out next week to deal with it. My schedule kind of sucks right now but we gotta deal with what we gotta deal with.

Heaters are nothing compared to what the sickos down south may have up their sleeves. Yeah, still no nightmares but still worried. While it’s true that I would expect to be served this week or next if they’re going to serve me, it can also take months.

I don’t worry just because of them alone, but because I know something up there loves to yank the carpet from under our feet whenever we start to get ahead. God or whatever could just have him laid off, but since they obviously like him so much where he works, what better way to tear us down than with old enemies? Again, I still don’t see how that’s legally possible but it also doesn’t mean they can’t make it illegally possible. They did it before so why not do it again? My speech rights and more were violated, and nothing’s changed. Meaning that the law was never fair and it never will be.

So instead of being only excited about the raise and the kind words from the big boss, I worry something up there is saying to themselves, “Glad they’re excited about the raise cuz they’re going to need it with the trouble they’ve got ahead.”

I just hope to hell God has better feelings toward me than He did in 2000 and that He would never again feel the need to use such monsters against me.

Although I can’t imagine it for the life of me (not that I could imagine them screwing me like they did in the first place) I told Tom never to put his own self at risk and come after me if I ever get legally kidnapped and extradited anywhere. I told him I’d get out on my own somehow and hitch as many rides as I have to back home.

I’m a little disturbed that the troll could access my blog for 31 seconds today, and yes, I’m sure of the timing. The second time she tried half a minute later, no time registered. A few hours later she made two more tries. The first time she was in for 15 seconds, the second not long enough to register. sighs A lot can be read in half a minute, even 15 seconds. I did a test on myself again and I was kicked out in just a few seconds, so IDK, maybe the times logged aren’t quite accurate.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2011
Tom says I’m safe and that being arrested, served, extradited, and or sued isn’t an issue. Then why does he feel that some repercussion is in store for us on account of the black bitch and pigs? Something annoying, but manageable?

I still don’t know what to think. I fear the worst but hope for the best. If she hadn’t already used the law to screw me with and if reverse discrimination wasn’t running rampant and if Arizona’s laws weren’t so crazy, I wouldn’t worry at all. I know I didn’t do anything wrong. But some people just don’t care. People that can’t let go and that just may have a way of making it at least look like I did something wrong.

I still think they’ll serve me with some kind of summons for God knows what. I just don’t know if I’ll actually get it. I also don’t know if this is the first time she’s gone running to the pigs just because I only first knew about it on the 18th when I got that message from Google. She probably ran to them years ago. That’s just the spiteful, vindictive sicko she is.

I’m not as stressed as I was last week, but I’m still a bit apprehensive. Still praying, though I don’t know if it will continue to do me any good. So far so good, but these things usually take months to play out if there’s anything to be played at all.

I’m angry and embarrassed she managed to scare the shit out of me all over again if not directly, but if that’s the worst of it (and losing my Blogger blog even though I chose to dump it), fine. Maybe I’ll like Tumblr better. It’s too soon to tell, though there are some things I both do and don’t like about it.

Later…

I’ve tried and I’ve tried but it just seems that lately, I can’t get myself to focus on much story-writing. So I’ve given up for now and am still learning the ropes at Tumblr where I learned the hard way that messing with themes throws off coding. I had to reinstall the codes for both the tracker and the blocker after tweaking with themes upset things and I don’t know for sure that they’re working again. I hope I caught it and fixed things before the troll could discover Aly’s blog there. Sooner or later, as we both know, she’ll find it. That’s just what stalkers do. She checks her other blogs religiously, as Aly put it, and being the attention whore that she is, it’s only a matter of time before she tries to force her presence on us again if not from one site than from another. I see she’s rotating through mine as usual. She came in from Formspring and then from Facebook. Aly says she checks one of her blogs at 10:30, 9:30 my time. I will be on the lookout at that time. I tested the blocker on my own IP so I know it can work on Tumblr. Inserting a code is much easier there than on Blogger. On Blogger the code had to be in just the right spot, but on Tumblr, you just drop to the end of the code lines and stick it in.

My new body pillow came today. It’s nice but different. It’s heavier and feels different because it’s filled with gel fibers instead of the usual cotton ball type of fluff.

I also won a mug for a contest that must not have ended till after I stopped sweeping. It’s a glass beer mug but I don’t see why it can’t be used for coffee, hot chocolate and things like that.

What didn’t come – not that it still might not – was any summons to appear in court for whatever fictitious bullshit the nigs and pigs may hope to screw me with. Again, only time will tell if these assholes can move on and let go, but I’m not ready to hold my breath.

Another Naneless day, and yes, it’s more than obvious that she’s toying with me just as Andy suspects. Still not sure how I’m going to deal with her and when but she’s the least of my concerns right now.

It’s Jesse I’m wondering about. I’m not concerned but I’m hoping he’ll let me sleep tomorrow as I’m on nights right now. I was just waking up at 3pm when I heard a loud, vibrant rumble. My first thought was the motorcycle but as loud as that sucker is, it ain’t that loud. So I got up and went into the kitchen. That’s when I noticed he managed to drag down the detached back of that old ugly pickup he’s had at the side of the drive for the longest time without waking me up. He added it to his shit pile, so now we have more of an eyesore to see from the side window in the kitchen.

I thought the loud truck was a propane truck, but after seeing what I saw, I’m not sure. I saw a green truck appear to be coming down his drive, and then it seemed to go back up and stop. This is the time of year there’s lots of land activity and he’s always up to something, so hopefully he’s not about to start work on some new project that’s going to take days or even weeks with anything as loud as that truck. That was insanely loud! I don’t think I could get the sound machine loud enough to drown it out.

When I was showering the pipes made a horribly loud sound I never heard them make before that sort of reminded me of a semi’s horn, something else I hope won’t be a regular occurrence around here. sighs I seriously wonder if I’ll ever get to live in a place ever again that’s no older than 30 years.

Every now and then that age-old question pops into mind – did Tom deliberately keep himself from cumming to prevent pregnancy, or did he really have a problem that was out of his hands? The answer may not matter now that I’ve long since gotten over any desires for a child, but I think it was both. With all I’ve learned throughout the years, I can look back on it and truly believe it was both. He had a problem, but it was a problem he was ok with. More than ok with it since I also believe he didn’t really want a kid. He would have stayed and been a great dad had an accident occurred, but I really think he saw his problem as a blessing and used it to his advantage and that was why he was too content-appearing with it and not eager to see a doctor. It wasn’t about embarrassment; it was about his not wanting a kid enough to find the idea of seeking help worth it.

Later…

I sure am learning a lot. I just discovered something weird that wasn’t an issue on Blogger. I wouldn’t call it an “issue,” but it’s definitely different. Well, I blocked my own IP as a test to see if the block was working and noticed that I could see my blog for a split second before I was redirected. Well, TIP picked me up. Before Molly wasn’t showing up at all on my visitor blog when she’d try to go check me out on Blogger. So maybe the blocker has been working all along and she was redirected after all after a split second but TIP still logged her. Hope she’s not smart enough to take screenshots during those split seconds! I thought tweaking the themes was knocking the code off since it seemed to upset the tracker, but apparently not. It would also explain why she registered as having visited for just 33 seconds, though my blog surely wasn’t visible for that long! It could be counting her previous Blogger visits. It looks like she tried to hit me twice, with both hits being just seconds apart. She first came in from Formspring.

It was definitely smart to scrunch my blog in skinnier now that I know she has that precious second. Also, most people don’t have giant monitors, so at worst, even if she is smart enough to take a screenshot, she’ll only see a few lines. I originally scrunched the blog so text wouldn’t stick out way past the pics.

Just checked on my laptop, figuring that’s the screen size most people have, and could only see the first 3 lines.

I still don’t see how she would have registered as 33 seconds. I’m guessing it’s counting previous hits. These things may not almost be precise but it still seems like a bit much. If she were really computer savvy she would know to zoom out as much as she can and then screen shoot the thing, enlarging it afterward in a photo editor.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2011
Not sure if I should be worried about the dream I had last night – or this morning – as would be more appropriate. No one busted in and dragged my ass off to Arizona or anything like that. God also didn’t decide we should be poor again but this time at someone else’s expense by allowing Tom’s hard-earned wages to be garnished. But I pissed off a PO I didn’t know was my PO.

We were living in what appeared to be the Phoenix house which is no surprise because for some reason many of my dreams take place there. Only they seemed to have added an extra bath. They put it where the oven was, LOL.

They also seemed to do things backward these days where you would get a PO assigned to you upon suspicion while an investigation was run and you possibly went to court, too.

At one point there was a knock on the door. “We shouldn’t answer it,” I said to Tom, unsure if anyone was investigating me. “Right?”

“It’s probably just a spam visit generated by a contest you entered or something you signed up for. I think it’s a real estate agent wanting to sell the house,” Tom said.

I peeked out the vertical blinds and saw a stout, middle-aged Mexican woman. Then Tom peeked out and jostled the blinds while he was at it. I said, “Hey, don’t let her see someone’s home!”

The next day we were pulling out of the driveway when the Mexican lady ran up to my open window and let me have it for ignoring her. Then she shouted about being “done with me” and that I would have to get another PO. She was gone before I could even say one single word in defense of myself.

It seems I misunderstood Andy and ended up irritating him when I certainly didn’t mean to. But it also seems we have different definitions of what’s porn and what’s funny unless I’m misunderstanding him more than I realize. He said something like it not being porn unless it turned me on, but I thought exposed dicks and pussies were considered porn whether or not it turned you on. And it doesn’t. Maybe I’m just weird, but I prefer sexy to trashy. Exposed privates never did a thing for me. I find a woman sexier with clothes on even if it’s not much at all. Meaning it never amused or turned me on and I told him this. But I won’t simply ignore any future pics he may send. As he said, that’d be lame.

Alison wants to meet him, though, because they’re both into porn, so I emailed him her email addy.

Had the runs again today and I don’t know why. I don’t think I’m nerved up enough for the runs, so maybe it was cuz I ate so damn much yesterday, like 2000 calories. We may look better when we’re thin, but it’s still so nice to know that as long as I work out 3 times a week I can eat an average of 1500 calories a day without getting any fatter. :)

Based on the article Tom read, a natural disaster that kills a third or half the population isn’t necessary. Supposedly, the experts say the world population will peak at 9 billion in 2070 and then start dropping from there. Meanwhile, the world’s food source is nowhere near at risk and the earth could probably support up to 20 billion people. Well, maybe so, but when I go to Walmart at the wrong times I sure wish half of NorCal’s population would cease to exist.

We’ve been able to leave the windows open for several nights this month. I don’t think we’ve ever been able to do that before in the month of October, so it’s been nice. However, we have to shut them up tonight. It’s going to get down into the low 50s.

Later…

Just created a new Tumblr blog. Not sure yet if I’m going to stick with it. It’s very different yet similar to other blogging sites like Blogger and MyOpera. I like how outsiders can see my customized background but hate the boring teal user interface I can’t seem to customize. That’s the part that’s different, though MD is that way too, where it looks different from the outside in than from the inside out.

I’m still fairly new to Tumblr. I’ve had accounts there before but always ended up elsewhere so I never really got a chance to explore much of the site.

I like how adding code is easier than any other blogging site I’ve used but I don’t like how I could customize my background only once. Then when I went to add a customized theme to see if the design would overlay itself against my chosen background, it would not let me re-customize the damn thing. So for now I’m stuck with a boring plaid theme. At least I could change it from purple plaid to pink plaid.

I like how they give you separate ways to upload different things – text, photos, videos, etc., instead of doing it all in one entry.

I’m not going to spread this link around publicly just yet due to Molly, though I suppose that somehow, someway, she’ll find me even though this site doesn’t ask for real names, and she doesn’t, to my knowledge, know any of my email addresses. I also used a username I’ve never been known to use before but did allow for indexing.

Instead of marking my MyOpera and MD blogs private, I’ll probably just let them sit as is for now. I don’t care about Blogger and LiveJournal, but I still love MyOpera and MD too much to simply dump them. Besides, I have friends there. I posted the link on Facebook because that account is private, but made sure not to auto-tweet my posts. Not until I test the IP blocker on a friend’s IP. If I could know I can block trolls, then I can share my blog link more freely. For now, I’m only giving it to my closest friends in private.

I don’t like how the search feature doesn’t work or how I can’t allow commenting. There is a way, I guess, but it’s a complicated setup. I’m not big on comments anyway.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2011
Yesterday I listed 20 random facts about myself. One of them included my thoughts and opinions on the many corrupt law enforcement officials out there. I should add, however, that I have known a few good cops. Yes, there really are a few out there who don’t think donning a uniform and a badge makes them God. There are also some in which to them the job is about justice and not how many people they can “get.” I even knew one once (I lived next door to him) that told me, “I could waste my time putting just as much effort into going after someone with a joint or for something minor as I do with someone that might have raped, killed or molested some poor kid, but I don’t. Big guys are always my number one priority.”

Now that was a cop who protected and served. I’ll bet he’s still doing just that, too. I at least hope so anyway, and yes, I’m talking about Kim’s ex, Mark.

No one came to question, arrest or harass me in any way and if they did I slept right through it. I first fell asleep at around 4am, and then woke up a few hours later right as Tom was leaving for work, with a gassy belly. I took a Rolaids, laid back down and was fine. Only I couldn’t fall back asleep right away. I turned off the stereo’s white noise and switched to the portable sound machine turned down low. I could hear chirping birds and Jesse’s truck over it just fine. This was when I told myself, “You can’t keep living like this every time you’re on nights during times he has a job! You’re letting this bitch get to you all over again. Meanwhile, she’s going about what’s no doubt a stress-free life as usual and things are no doubt going well for her. Don’t let her win!”

Determined not to alter my life in any way on account of her, I turned the stereo back on, fell asleep about an hour later, and slept like a baby till almost 4pm. Well, make that “slept like a log” since babies only sleep a few hours here and a few hours there.

Tomorrow my body pillow should arrive. That and my court summons. I still can’t imagine what the charges could possibly be since I haven’t broken any laws. Whatever it is will have to be completely falsified and made up.

I wonder if the pigs have contacted Jesse, not that he’d necessarily tell us about it if they had.

I miss being able to track my blog visitors but I also like not seeing the troll. I mean I still know she’s reading it almost every day, but I like not being reminded of her existence until she tries to force it on me again on Formspring and by tweeting to me from her latest account.

When I was emailed more pornographic pictures from Andy I thought to myself, “Wow, this guy must be pissed at me for some reason.” Why else would someone send me something they know I’m not interested in? To each, their own, but porn simply doesn’t do anything for me. It doesn’t excite me, it doesn’t make me laugh, it doesn’t do anything at all. If anything most of it is cheap and trashy. So if one knows this, then why would they want to send it anyway? To annoy me? To get negative attention? To push me away? I don’t care what he does on Formspring; it’s his account after all. But any more emails I receive with picture attachments will be ignored.

When Nane asked that I stop sharing any sexual fantasies I have about her I was quick to oblige. She wasn’t asking much of me and as a friend and I didn’t want to annoy or offend someone I cared about. Or come off as perverted. I know Andy’s no pervert, but excessive porn or sexual talk can make one appear that way after a while and not complying with simple requests makes one come off as a less than a true friend.

These days, however, I no longer care about Nane. I’m not going to spite her in the end, but I am going to eventually cut her off my friend list. I simply cannot care about those who obviously don’t care about me. I’m tired of part-time friends who tell me all these seemingly believable stories as to why they haven’t been in touch. After a while, you pull back and realize it’s one thing after another after another. Hey, we all have one thing after another going on with us, but I don’t go 6 weeks or more without at least dropping a quick hello on those I consider friends. I’m just not sure when I should drop her. This month? The next? Or maybe the next? And do I drop her family with her? Irene? I’m not sure I like the idea of dropping Irene.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2011
Still nothing scary in Dreamland. We might have even been driving around Florida again but I’m not sure.

Better to be paranoid for nothing than not worried for a reason. I mean I’d prefer to be stress-free with nothing bad waiting around the corner even though I could kick myself for contacting her in the first place. But once again there’s a huge difference between me and her. I only said things she didn’t want to hear and was annoying at best. She displayed her old vengeful self by dragging the police into it when just like last time, nothing was actually done that could harm her. And if anyone should know that one doesn’t actually have to do anything to someone in Arizona in order to be in deep shit it’s me. I have looked at the situation over and over again from a logical standpoint and I still don’t see how I could’ve done anything illegal. But even so, if anyone’s going to try to arrest, question, serve, or extradite me it will probably be this week. This may be an entirely different case and I may now be in a different state, but they seem to subpoena for info one week and arrest the next.

Then again, maybe not. I just looked back in my old journals. It looks like I called the black bitch from the motel somewhere between December 23rd - 25th, then they arrested me on January 6th. The holidays might’ve slowed things down, though.

I guess all I can do is hope that the pigs aren’t hell-bent on “getting the last word” and having the final say in the matter of this sick hater. I’ve been praying this bitch off several times a day but the rest is up to fate. If God wants to serve me on a platter to this bitch and the pigs, He will. I hope not, though. I hope this time around it’s me He protects. Especially from extradition and garnishing. If they want to serve me with a summons that I ignore and end up with a bench warrant for, fine, so long as they don’t arrest or garnish me.

Not all crimes get you arrested before being subpoenaed, though. The only time I was arrested for prank phone calls was when I called the pig that got one of my old numbers and then Laurie H. Gee, what a surprise, huh? Still, you can’t really compare Massachusetts to Arizona because what’s usually a misdemeanor in MA is a felony in AZ. Like you couldn’t compare prank calls in Springfield to S. Deerfield. As I learned, S. Deerfield took them a lot more seriously than Spfld.

IDK, maybe it’s just me but I don’t think people should go running to the cops unless they’ve either been harmed or have been ripped off or something serious like that. I don’t think they should be used to run to just because someone pisses you off with something they may’ve said or written. But again, maybe that’s just me.

If they serve anything I don’t get, the default warrant will probably be out and about by January or February, so next spring I’ll see if I can do a warrant check on myself. I’m guessing it would be from Arizona if there was anything because that’s where she lives. In other words, if someone in Michigan threatened someone in Kansas, it’s Kansas that would run the investigation, not Michigan. So if the Michigan person is ever ordered to appear in court, they would have to appear in Kansas, not Michigan.

Why couldn’t this have happened when he wasn’t working if it was going to happen?! When he wasn’t working there was less to lose. I mean there’s more to lose the less money you have because that’s just part of being poor, but when you do have money, you risk losing that money. They can’t garnish Unemployment checks.

I also hate sleeping in the daytime when he’s not here because I may not hear anything potentially dangerous due to the sound machines blaring, like if Jesse came to tell me to get the hell out due to a fire in the area.

I am such a screw-up at times! The reason Andy couldn’t see my entire blog is that I accidentally – and stupidly – sent him the link to just one entry and not the whole blog.

Looks like we’ll have temps in the 70s and 80s throughout the rest of the month and no rain.

I never really bothered with New Year’s resolutions before but I guess if I had to have one this year it would be to stop trying to make my dreams a reality. I’m not only too old to be chasing silly dreams, but if anyone should know that dreams either don’t come true or are nothing you envision them to be if they do come true, it’s me. Therefore I’ve decided never to bother to try to move to Florida. This is where we live, this is where we’ll stay. It doesn’t mean I might not check out a bigger, newer rental in a retirement community someday as I miss living in a real house, but I don’t think we’ll ever be able to afford that. Retirement communities are expensive unless you’re willing to take an apartment there.

Random Facts About Me seems to be a popular personal blog theme lately, so I thought I’d throw out some more facts about myself just for fun, even if I may’ve mentioned them before and not everyone will agree with them all.

I love bright colors and find earth tones boring as hell.

I will drink orange juice but I hate anything else with orange.

I am very mistrusting of those in law enforcement not just after I myself was lied to by some cops and a public defender, but because of all the stories of corruption I’ve heard. The dual standards and the fact that the police can break many of the same laws we’re supposed to abide by (lying, speeding, etc.) and the fact that they get such light penalties for the crimes they may commit if not away with them altogether, greatly confuses and concerns me. So does their thirst for “power” and “control.”

I have no faith in the justice system after watching countless criminals who have committed acts of violence, theft, fraud or other serious crimes get light sentences if any at all, while those who haven’t actually done anything other than do/say things that are simply seen as “mean” or “annoying” by some people get the book thrown at them.

It greatly disturbs me that there are countries that kill women and children simply for wearing the “wrong” hairstyle or for trying to escape an abusive spouse.

I get most of my story ideas from dreams.

I would love to see some kind of natural disaster kill a third or half of the world’s population due to how overpopulated the world is becoming as long as none of my loved ones or friends are killed.

I think some of the cheapest and basic foods should be free like apples.

I believe people should be given jobs based on their qualifications, not their gender, age, race, nationality or sexual orientation.

I miss owning a pool and swimming!

Spam can simply be marked as spam as annoying as it is, but I wish the law would crack down harder on phishing and fraud-related emails.

I love Foster Farm’s honey BBQ chicken wings. I could eat a whole bag every day.

I love all kinds of music but am not big on metal, gospel, jazz or classical.

Sleeping during the daytime when Tom’s not home makes me nervous unless it’s raining out.

I wish I could be “normal” but know that normal is overrated and boring.

I drink about 2 liters of water a day.

I wonder if I should dump Nane, a woman in Germany I have a crush on who only seems to want to be my friend just some of the time.

I love rodents and wish dogs didn’t exist. I love to “hug” my giant rat.

I fear growing old and dying alone.

I also fear something bad happening to me that drives me to suicide within the next decade.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2011
We tried installing StatCounter on my MyOpera blog but it’s not working. We followed their step-by-step instructions, but if it’s going to track anything it sure is taking its sweet time in doing so.

Not much else going on here today. Just the usual – grocery shopping, laundry, etc. We did order me a new body pillow, though. This one’s made of gel fiber instead of cotton fluff.

We rotated my mattress again so I hopefully won’t have to keep waking up with the same lower backaches I’ve been waking up with every day until I get a new one.

The daily saw buzzing started up about an hour ago. The sun’s going down now so maybe they’ll give it a rest soon. It may not be a saw, though, that I’m hearing. Maybe it’s some other power tool. I only know it’s coming from the west side of the property. I feel bad for those with parcels of land closer to it unless they don’t mind.

Got the sound machines going so I don’t have to listen to the dogs for the next 8 hours when Jesse takes off for the night.

Would love to hear from the “contest” lady again. I’m amazed she’s been following me this long unless it’s someone connected to her and that contest. But she was the one that left the “shiny bra” comment. Today she left this:

“This is me in my shiny sequin bra. It makes me feel so sexy, mature and sophisticated. My husband adores me in it! Lingerie is a nice way to unwind and feel good after having to wear work clothes all day.”

That’s when I remembered the lingerie “contest” I was paid $10 to submit a picture for through MT. The one where the “winner” was a professional model. Still, 10 bucks is 10 bucks. I’d do it again. :)

And of course I never know what may be connected to my past legal tormentors. The stress is lower at night and on weekends, but it’s still a menacing cloud hanging over me that I live with, wishing it was over but knowing it’s not. Once again I just wish I knew what they had in mind and just how the hell a handful of blog entries or anything I said in the blog is supposed to be illegal enough to warrant a look-see into my Google account from the pigs. Tom said he doesn’t think they’ll try to arrest me or serve me any summons, but that doesn’t mean someone might not try to question me as a “courtesy” or that other little things may not happen even if they’ll still be manageable.

Well, like I said before, I’ve moved on. Meanwhile, the pigs and the sick bitch that just can’t seem to let go can do what they want because just like I promised a decade ago, I will never again fall victim to them. Not any crazy, vindictive civilian. Not any corrupt, power-tripping pig.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2011
Feeling pretty yucky today. :( I was up 18 hours and only slept 6. So once again I’m tired and feeling kind of out of it. After 10 minutes of working my arms/abs, and another 12 or so on the treadmill, I had to stop because I simply didn’t have the energy to go on. I suppose I could’ve pushed myself if I’d really wanted to; I was just too run down to try.

Yes, the stress is still there. I’m still sure this is why I haven’t been getting enough sleep, why my heart is racing, why I feel dizzy and lightheaded at times, and why my stomach’s still a bit off. No matter how many times I try to tell myself not to worry until and if something happens on account of this obsessively hateful bitch, it’s not that easy. And no matter how much of a record she herself may have the pigs aren’t going to even look at that or care. All that matters, unfortunately, is that she’s black and she’s already nailed me in court once before. Now that she’s made her little complaint it’s out of her hands and in the hands of an agency filled with a bunch of people high on power play. We call this agency the police department.

I can’t just breathe a sigh of relief and consider myself safe if nothing happens by the weekend or next week or the week after. These things take time to play out. It can take months before I’m summoned and if for some reason they can’t get our address (though I don’t know why they couldn’t) that doesn’t mean they didn’t still issue a summons which would still be just as valid as if someone handed me the damn thing.

And I still can’t imagine what they think they have on me! They have no grounds for spam, slander or libel and this is why I’m greatly concerned that the bitch and company may’ve fabricated something threatening. I still can’t believe the pigs would subpoena Google if they didn’t think they had a case. But what case????? I’m not going to check to see if there’s a warrant for my arrest because the pigs are probably tracking my online activity. There may not be one, though, unless they send a summons I either don’t get or that I ignore. It’s anything federal I’m worried about because then if they pull us over on the road for a busted taillight and automatically run a check on us, I’m fucked. Same with if she successfully sues me even though I still can’t imagine what they have on me unless it’s fabricated. That scares me more than anything.

We’re also wondering why AT&T was here yesterday. Tom said they were parked by the fork when he got home. The connection’s been the best it’s been in ages and it still is, but we still don’t get what they came out for.

On top of the shit sickos in Arizona, Molly and what’s probably her friend Sarah P are bugging me again. They left comments on my blog yesterday and now Molly’s asking Andy questions on Formspring and following him as a way of forcing me to acknowledge her existence, so to speak. Now he too, will be stalked for years and maybe even the rest of his life, though he’s not into blogging or Facebook. Just Formspring, Twitter and Fleetwood Mac fan sites.

Sometimes I miss the days when the internet was little more than stores and email, but no social sites or blogs! I sometimes think of just deactivating and or abandoning my online life altogether but I don’t want to dump the good people that care. I could always keep in touch by just email with Andy, Aly, Kim and Christine, but IDK. Getting rid of my online life would get rid of some stress, but it would also get rid of some fun, too. The only good this stress is doing is that it’s knocking my appetite out and my weight down.

I also miss the days when my biggest stresses were noise or some shit like that. I was doing so much better till I had to get that message from Google! :( I was so much happier and it was so nice not having so much stress on us. But now I worry that this sicko’s going to steal my freedom and our money all over again while God ignores my prayers for protection. I just wish I knew what – if anything – is going to happen. That’s the only way we can know the best way to fight back. But if we’re ever taken by surprise, then we might not have time to fight. Or run.

Nane is still continuing to ignore me yet she’s added another picture and responded to other people who have posted to her wall. She seems to be ignoring Irene, too. I’d say I’ll definitely be dumping her at some point; the question is just a matter of when. A part of me wants to dump her right now, but another part is curious to see how long she’ll ignore me and what her excuse will be if I ever hear from her again. These days I like to surround myself with true friends or just acquaintances and not part-time, phony “friends” that appear to care one minute and disappear the next and back and forth and back and forth.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2011
Didn’t sleep as long as I’d have liked to and am still a bit tired, but at least I’m over the runs that hit me yesterday till I popped some anti-shit pills. My heart’s racing a bit too. I guess I’m still a bit anxious.

Someone’s already fucking with me on MyOpera where I’m currently allowing for anonymous comments. Probably Molly who’s now latched onto Andy and will probably add him to her lifelong stalking career. She asked him why he “talked about me to a girl who doesn’t know her.” Andy just gave a goofy answer. She’s following him now too, on Formspring and me on Twitter with her latest account. I blocked her so she can’t tweet to me, and I just might disallow anonymous comments on MyOpera. Not sure yet. I don’t want her to have as many means of contacting me, but I also don’t want to let her control me. I started to delete past posts on MD and MyOpera cuz of the black bitch, but that would be letting her control me and letting her win so I left everything intact. Besides, if she’s that determined to victimize me all over again, I can’t stop her from trying. All I can do is not let her win. If anyone ever legally kidnapped me or garnished our wages, that’s not something we could “ignore,” but subpoenas, summons, calls, threats and bribes could be.

Back to who’s fucking with me. There were 3 comments.

“Didn’t know you were back here! May rejoin since some others are back on here. LOL. I don’t think the real deal would talk about that with you. LOL.”

Didn’t think the real deal would talk about that with me? What the hell does that mean???

“Gosh, you’re self-centered. You really think too highly of yourself.”

This one seems the most Mollyish.

“Why don’t you add the picture of you in your “shiny bra” to your photos? It really is too funny!”

What shiny bra??? I wonder if it’s the black bitch or an associate referring to the topless picture embedded in one of my old Blogger entries. I was starting to think just how stupid it would be of her to have someone (if it isn’t her) fuck around with me while she’s trying to “get” me, but that’s exactly what she did the last time. She fucked with me a million times more than I ever fucked with her before and during the time she used the law to plot against me.

I don’t know if I’ll stay there or go elsewhere just yet. But for now, this is where I’ll be. Christine is so happy I’ll still be blogging, LOL. She really is the #1 fan of my boring/stressful life.

FF finally stopped crashing whenever I’d log onto Facebook, and all is running smoothly in PC land. Well, smoother at least.

After I corrected the mathematical error I made saying I’d go belly-up at 220 pounds when it should’ve been 800 pounds if I gained 20 pounds a year for life, Tom pointed something out to me and that’s that unless I kept eating more and more every time I gained weight, I really would stop gaining at some point. I couldn’t eat more than 2000 calories a day, for example, because I’m small and so my calorie needs are less than average. I’d probably still hit the 200-pound marker, though, if I ate 1500 calories without exercise and 2000 with exercise, so I guess I’ll continue to at least maintain my weight for now even if 135 is too much. I just don’t have the willpower it takes to put up with the hunger that would go with cutting my calories to 1000 so I could lose weight.

Sent a letter off to my parents. They should get it on Monday.

Mary’s release date is now pulled up to 12/7/12. So unless they pull another nasty on her in the end, she’s closing in on the final year.

I’d say the flaxseed is definitely speeding up my hair growth. I wasn’t sure at first but adding a tablespoon or two to my oatmeal really does seem to help. Just wish it wasn’t so curly. At this length, it’s hard to gather it in a ponytail cuz the curls keep springing back, LOL.

Nane’s back on Facebook and still ignoring me. Guess what, though? I’m ignoring her back! :) She loaded 71 new TR pics. Her face is looking worse and worse with each pic! I think that’s mostly cuz they’re getting closer and clearer so they show her imperfections more. Great bod, but not even I have all that wrinkling and I’m only 5 years younger. She’s skinny, though, and wrinkles are more prominent in skinny people. Nice falsies too, but her hair is too light and her nose is too wide. She does have a prettier eye color than my slimy moss-green eyes.

Later…

Was thinking about the shitster down under me and I really hope I’m not just kidding myself in vowing to ignore her. What if she and the law simply won’t let me ignore her?

Fuck it! I refuse to ever again fall prey to this vengeful hater who’s nothing but a white supremacist in reverse! She wouldn’t let me ignore her for 7 years. Then one day I took my life back and I ain’t giving it back to the sicko all over again under any circumstances! Not now. Not ever. She can keep the obsession and the hate going, and while I’ll always hate the bitch in return, I’m moving on. Period. I’ll never contact her again in any way and I’ll never let her victimize us again through the law or by any other means! I have not committed any federal offenses that could get me arrested no matter what state I live in, and if they’ve filed city or state charges, that can’t get me arrested either. Last time around the state was against me. Being that it was the state grand jury was why they could fetch me from Maricopa since that was still Arizona. So they’re welcome to send all the summons they want. I will not see them in court again and I don’t care how “challenged” the twisted pigs may feel or how hungry for power and control they may be on account of this hateful, sick bitch.

What I mean by “challenged” is that the pigs may’ve read that I refuse to be railroaded by them ever again and that might have put them in an oh-yeah?-we’ll-see-about-that-kind-of mood. But if they’ve taken that statement as an invitation to try a little harder to fuck with me, that’s their problem.

I also heard from Maliheh and Alison. Maliheh urged me to please not think it’s me that’s been causing her lack of messages. Her right hand has been falling asleep and she’s been sleeping a lot. I guess she can’t convince her doctor to test her. She asked if I’d help her with a complaint she wants to lodge against them and I said I would.

She also said that from now on if she hears barking after midnight she’s calling the cops. LOL, good for her.

As for Aly, the poor girl’s cancer has spread and she has to have more surgery and return to radiation since the pill was a waste of time and money, as she put it.

I was a bit dismayed when she said she gave up on praying since it wasn’t doing her any good, not just for her sake but because I wonder if my praying to keep the sick bitch from ruining my life all over again is doing me any good.

Later…

Kim said she was the one who left comment #1 about rejoining MyOpera. The “self-centered” comment was probably Molly, and the more I think about it, the “shiny bra” was probably her friend. Maybe Sarah P. Whoever it was couldn’t have been referring to the topless picture of myself after all because I checked and it’s in that album.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2011
Mentally I am utterly terrified right now. Physically I am sick. It’s all I can do to get myself to sit up in this chair and write this. I keep trying to remind myself it’s probably not real and I’m just being paranoid.

It’s the evil witch down in Arizona that victimized me through the law a decade ago. I checked my Gmail account late last night and found a message from Google saying the Police Department subpoenaed for account info. The town the PD is in is where she lives! I have never written or sent one single threat or racial slur and I am so terrified that I could be in the process of being set up right now. I’m no legal expert, but why would they subpoena for info unless they thought they had some kind of case against me?!?! And what case? What could I have possibly said or done that’s illegal? I have said things not everyone would agree with, but illegal? No way! Not unless somehow, someway, my blog or email accounts were hacked and manipulated and I already know they have been hacked in the past.

I am so, so petrified of being extradited or sued even though I didn’t use last names and never talked about anything that wasn’t already a matter of public record that anyone could look up! The thought of this sick, hateful, vindictive bitch destroying our lives all over again for God knows how many years makes me utterly sick to my stomach! I have prayed and prayed for God to protect me from her but it’s hard to put much faith in Him. Remember, He already let her have a go at me once. So how can I count on Him to protect me this time? When I said I feared something up there would yank the carpet out from under our feet for the millionth time I never thought that would be because of her, but it was once because of her, so I guess if something can happen once it can happen twice. Maybe I’m being paranoid but I don’t think so. I just don’t think so. If they’re looking at records they’ve got to have something up their sleeve. And why do I think the message waiting on the phone Tom leaves home with me is the police department asking me to call them back? I can’t figure out how to retrieve the damn message, though. sighs It’s going to be one looong day until Tom gets home. I would never call them, though. It’s not only a bad idea to talk to the police, but you also can’t trust a damn thing they say.

I woke Tom up when I got the message because I was freaked out by it. He tells me I’ll be alright and that he thinks it’s got to do with my email and not my blog. I disagree. Blogger and Gmail are both powered by Google and like I said, she lives in that town. She also works for the city and that has me worried in itself. That’s part of how she was able to make a mountain out of a molehill in 2000. That and being friends with “Mr. Biased Crimes” in a state that favors minorities.

After barely 5 hours of sleep, I woke up with the runs. It was time to put those diarrhea pills to use after all. I am not only exhausted, but I’m both hungry and nauseous at the same time. I tried to get a little oatmeal into me, but that’s all I can handle so far in the 4 hours I’ve been up.

When I checked my stats I found that I had a visitor from Scottsdale, AZ. A friend? I ran the IP and it came up as broadband and not corporate. They were there for less than a minute.

If it’s about something I said in my blog that they don’t like, why haven’t they had Blogger just shut my blog down?

Like I said, I’m utterly terrified because I know that if the cops really want to get to me that bad, they can and they will. If they sued me and garnished his wages we’d be as fucked as we were on September 16th. We’d also be fucked if they arrested and extradited me. Who the hell would bail me out this time around???

I just can’t imagine what it is I may’ve done that’s so bad, but we’re talking Arizona. A state that treats just about everything like murder and that favors its minorities. I don’t know that I could simply “ignore” any subpoenas I may get because there’s a fictitious “victim” involved who’s black while I’m white. I totally feel like a fish in a bowl. :( All I can hope is that they don’t fish me out of that bowl but I fear they will. Why else would they subpoena records??? I can only guess it’s to see where I live so they can either arrest me or have me served. And because I don’t know what they think they have on me, I don’t know what the charges are or how serious they could be.

Yesterday I swear I heard a car door and thought someone drove down here. It sounded close like maybe up at the fork where the electrical box is, suggesting they could’ve been checking to see where the internet wiring ran to. Or at least verify with Jesse that I live here. I know this is CA and not AZ but that was the first step last time when the pig came with the “Robin Hatch” story to verify my identity. The next day was when they made the arrest.

Although we use our mailing address online and not our physical address, I know the pigs could find it if they wanted it bad enough. All they’d have to do is contact our IP. Couldn’t they find out who that is easily enough since they’re the only ones who service this area?

I am so stressed out right now and so terrified! Being extradited or sued would totally ruin us. Totally. But I can’t believe Arizona of all states would let this go or that they’d “move on.” I doubt they’re calling to tell me to shut my blog down or never refer to the case again. No, they’re calling to tell me what they want to charge me with, and if I haven’t already been summoned, I will be soon.

Every time I hear what I think may be an approaching vehicle my entire body tenses up. Someone drove up there yesterday morning while he was out, but it appeared to be an old white pickup from what I could see through the trees.

I was tempted to either deactivate my blog or delete most of the entries, but if the cops are checking me out, they’ve already seen what’s there. And what’s there isn’t really “deleted” forever. It would also make me look like I had something to hide and it would be letting her win, too. She won more than enough 11 years ago. I can’t let her win again. I just can’t. But how can I stop her without knowing what they have in mind and just what their plans are???

It’s probably unlikely Arizona would come to CA to arrest/extradite me, but if I ignored a subpoena to try to sue me (and I would mostly because I would have to), a judgment could still be issued against me even if I weren’t there and they could go after Tom’s wages because he’s married to me. :((((

Later…

After a few hours off I had another bout of the runs. I can’t believe this bitch is controlling my mind and body all over again! I’m so scared!!! God, please don’t let her seize control of my entire life once again! Please, please don’t let her control my freedom and bank account too, please! Please, please, protect me this time!

The phone just did that quick ding, ding, ding again which I thought meant someone left a message. But when I got up to check it said there were no messages. The phone is fully charged, so could it be a text message? Hmm… I still smell bacon, I’m afraid. But phone calls are nothing compared to lawsuits and that’s my biggest fear. They won’t care that I don’t work if they win any kind of a lawsuit for something I may’ve said; they’ll just sue Tom. Either that or they’ll demand I either go to work for this bitch or pay in the form of jail time.

I can’t believe that year after year people can email dozens of scams to people claiming they won the lottery and all that and need to pay a fee to receive their winnings, or asking them to cash bad checks, while the pigs investigate me simply for something I might’ve said that someone didn’t like. So much for my disclaimer doing me any good!

I haven’t had any nightmares, but chances are if they’re going to arrest me or file suit I won’t have any till the night before. The bad dreams are the ones that usually play out right away. It’s the good dreams that can take months or even years to come to pass.

Could the Florida dreams be a sign of where we’ll be running soon enough? But it can’t be. No need to run that far if we have to run to avoid an arrest and we don’t even have the money to get to Florida. If we had to run it would have to be to another country where they couldn’t garnish his wages, not that we’d be able to afford to do that either.

I’m breathing a little easier now that it’s the afternoon since pigs A, seem to like to serve most of their warrants in the morning, and B, like to wake me up while they’re at it.

It is sad, but definitely scary how much this sick bitch obviously hasn’t changed a bit. She’s still the same vengeful hater she always was. I am wishing like never before that I too was black!

Tom thought the message may be a scam at first. The only thing I thought was a bit strange was the fact that it was sent after 8pm. And who knows how long after the fact? If the pigs really investigated me it could’ve been days before the message was sent.

Maybe we should’ve killed ourselves after all. :( I know I would before I’d lose another dime or moment of freedom to this sicko.

I keep telling myself God won’t give me more than I can handle. He hasn’t yet even though it sure felt like He has at times. But no one lives forever. Sooner or later we’re all dealt something that we can’t handle and that kills us. Will this bitch be the death of me/us??? I mean, my logical side knows it’s a scam meant to scare me and well, it’s worked.

Later…

Feeling a lot better since Tom got home. The ding ding ding was just a stupid text message alert trying to sell us more minutes. :) I didn’t want to tell him this at first, but I finally told him that I had her on auto-send, and even though I was never trying to sell anything, didn’t hit her with over 1000 or even 100 entries, could the vindictive bitch be trying to get me for spam?

At first he was worried since that’s considered a federal offense, but according to his research, I should be ok. It’s commercial spammers they’re going after these days that send bulk volumes to tons of people.

At first we were hesitant to shut down my blog because we didn’t want it to look like I was trying to hide anything since I most certainly am not. But then we decided that maybe – just maybe – if the pigs see the blog doesn’t exist anymore and that I’m in another state, maybe they’ll focus on more important things like REAL criminals. I don’t know, though. I still think they may try to pull something. Again, Arizona doesn’t let go that easily. It’s a very relentless and unforgiving state. Besides, nothing I did for that damn state a decade ago was good enough. I sought out a therapist on my own, I did this, I did that, but nothing I did was good enough. The state and the people involved just had to lie, stab me in the back, and seek legal vengeance upon me anyway for something I didn’t even do.

As for slander; that’s something we definitely shouldn’t have to worry about. I not only don’t use full names but slander and libel are more aimed at those who are trying to profit and whose words have negatively affected one’s life in a significant way. Blogs aren’t usually targeted like newspapers because far fewer people read blogs than newspapers. That’s how certain trolls can get away with trashing full names like they do. A qualified person who should know better which Aly consulted with told her that while she may be annoying as hell, she’s still within the limits of the law. I think, though, that if the troll had any real intelligence, then she’d be more likely to go crossing lines.

Still, I don’t get how I can get dozens of phishing and fraud scams a day emailed to me along with millions of other people in this world, and this can go on year after year without anyone doing a damn thing about it. Tom says they’re throwing them in jail by the thousands, but then why are these scams still so commonplace? Why in the world would the pigs want to check my Google info (and we don’t know that Google actually complied and gave them that info, though I would guess they did), when you’ve got these serious and potentially dangerous scammers out there??? Where is the proper sense of priorities in this world?!

Tom is confident they can’t bust in here and arrest me and haul my ass down to Arizona and I hope he’s right. I was worried about a lawsuit at first, but the police don’t get involved with those, so if anyone’s about to spite me through the law it’s in a criminal way and not a civil way I would think.

We deactivated my blog on Blogger and may even shut down my Google account altogether. We’re not sure yet. I only opened the Gmail account for the sweeping and I haven’t been doing that lately, so there’s no real need to keep it open anyway.

I’m much too tired to decide on anything now and I need to wait and see what, if anything, the shitsters down south may try to pull on me. Meanwhile, she’s the one that’s still obsessed and that still can’t let go. She’s the one who wants to get mad, even, and spiteful. Me, I’m going to do what she wouldn’t allow me to do for nearly 7 years and ignore her completely for as long as I live. :)))

I’ve got more to write about but am exhausted. Hopefully, I’ll sleep a solid 10-12 hours after stupidly letting this bitch interfere with my sleep and nerves all these years later. She’s just playing with me and I’m letting my legal PTSD make me paranoid. That’s all.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2011
So sick of waking up with these lower backaches! Can’t wait for my new mattress, though it may be a few months.

Really worried that cock’s given up on disability and gone back to work even if it’s just under-the-table odd jobs. This is the second morning in a row he hasn’t been around. I yell at the fucking dogs, they shut up, but then 10 minutes later they’re at it again. In the past, they were always at their worst from November 1st to mid-April where they barked steadily from 5am - 9am, then on and off for the rest of the day, and Nov. is right around the corner. :( Well, I don’t see how anyone can consider that “not that bad” no matter where/how they grew up. That is just way too much to even attempt to get used to. Yesterday was one thing. After an early morning fit, all was quiet for 5-6 hours, then there was another shorter fit. That’s tolerable and livable, but consistency is not and I would think most people would agree and that the responsibility shouldn’t have to fall on me to keep someone else’s dogs in line. Where I’m from people kept their dogs/music to themselves.

I do whatever homework I can whenever I can, even though the choice may never be ours. Everything I’ve read so far supports what my dad said about adult communities; you can’t leave a dog in your yard 24/7 unattended to bark all it wants. Some places put a 15-20 pound limit on the dogs which must be household pets and not backyard buddies.

Tom mentioned people mowing and trimming trees – first of all, mowing doesn’t bother me unless it was for hours every day and most people don’t do that. Secondly, if the lots were about the size of Phoenix, how many trees could they possibly have to trim? So unless Tom’s against it for some reason I still think it may be better than rural, cuz he said it himself – who’s gonna have a decent rental all by itself in the middle of 10 acres or anything else big enough to keep the nearest dog at a far enough distance so it’s not as loud as these two? And the further off the grid we go, the more we gotta worry about sonic booms and hunters. I think the only problem that could arise in an adult community would be car stereos, car door slamming and me having to be careful not to blast my own music, though we wouldn’t get a place where their driveway ran alongside our place, I could use headphones and car stereos make no sense. If they don’t allow kids or incessant barking, why loud car stereos? As he also said, each community may be different. But I still think the basic rules are the same everywhere. Either way, $1400 a month for just a 2-bedroom PLUS utilities doesn’t sit well with me and I would guess that’s about what it would cost. Especially in this state.

I just know that my parents would never find barking even for just an hour a day “ok” or “acceptable” or “reasonable” in any way, nor would they ever live in a place where that was an issue. I know that’s just one retirement community, but again, can they really vary that drastically? Not from what I’ve read, they don’t.

As for losing weight at this age – it seems hopeless whether you starve or diet because all you can do is delay the inevitable and not stop it altogether. Sure you’ll lose weight if you starve, but unless you’re prepared to starve forever, something no human being can do, post-menopausal weight gain is NOTHING compared to the struggles we go through once we’re pushing 40. So there’s nothing I can really do about it other than just keep fit till I get slammed with a ton more weight and can’t get around as easily. I just dread having to have Tom trim my toenails. :( It’s not as easy for someone this short to carry a lot of extra weight as it is for someone his height. And think of the money it’d cost to keep upgrading to bigger clothes sizes. But like it or not, it’s going to happen someday. I’m really going to be 200 or more pounds. I can only choose to let it happen sooner than later, but it’s menopause that’s gonna get the final say. Young people, on the other hand, have a choice. They’re young enough for their metabolisms to work hard and fast enough to burn more than they take in even if that amount is “reasonable.” Whereas at this age all I have to do is eat “normally” and I’ll gain about 20 pounds a year for life. That puts me going belly-up at about 800 if I lived another 40 years. I think I’d gain closer to 40-50 pounds a year, though, for that “normal” eating.

Humans just weren’t meant to live past 30, and we gotta pay for what we were smart enough to beat.

Becky sent me this recent pic of the evil witch A. She’s sitting with a collie and 9 other people, 4 being older, 5 being women in their 20s or so. I’m guessing the young ladies are nieces since she’s gay. When I saw the dog it reminded me of the one she had nearly 30 years ago. She took me to her house one time with a few other girls. It was a tiny old dark dumpy cottage in the woods and she had a collie then, too. All I really remember about it was all the books. Just hundreds and hundreds of them on wall shelves.

She managed to find Linda, another one who attended VH, and I found Michelle for her. We sent her friend invites but haven’t heard from her yet. Linda’s friends with Maryellen who I’ve been told is the youngest A sister but I don’t remember her at all. All I remember is Margaret and I couldn’t stand her much more than I could stand Donna and Barb. Speaking of Barb, I sent another message saying: What, no apology yet? Go on and give it a try, you just might find I’m a rather forgiving person. :)

But the fact that I haven’t heard anything from her makes me think she’s either ignoring me or hasn’t checked her messages. Usually, if you’ve got the wrong person they tell you so. I just asked a Denise M with no identifiable profile pic if she attended VH and she replied back saying she hadn’t.

We’re going to upgrade me from my 9-year-old Windows XP operating system which is becoming obsolete and switch me to Windows 7 at some point. I just hope it helps solve all my incompatibility issues! I’m so sick of having to pick and choose what’s most important to me and having to do without some things. Why can’t all browsers and programs just get along?! But the day there’s such a thing as “computer peace” will be the day there’s world peace. In other words, it ain’t gonna happen. :(

Yesterday I unblocked the troll just to see if she was still as persistent as she usually is. There was nothing all day, but then shortly after 4pm, in it came from Formspring. I caught her at 12 seconds and blocked her by 33 seconds. It wasn’t fast enough to stop her from accessing my post titled Trolls & BFF, though. Gee, I wonder why she’d go for that one first? said with sarcasm So now she’ll be sent to the funny farm until I decide to send her to an adult toy store or something like that. :)

I dreamt Tom and I were flying somewhere and our round-trip tickets cost $1500. LOL, isn’t that a bit much? Only we were going to meet Nane where she worked which had to do with the airline and not a bank like in real life.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2011
Got to wake up to barking this morning. Fun, huh? But they surprised me by shutting up just a few minutes later.

It’s warm and sunny today and other than that early barking fit, it’s been pretty quiet.

I heard from Irene, but still nothing from Nane. I’m about ready to give up on her. What’s the point in sticking around for someone who’s never around herself?

I also heard from Christine and my sister. Although Tammy hates rats she fell in love with a couple of pictures of them hugging miniature teddy bears.

I figured out what’s causing FF to crash. It’s not FF itself, but Facebook instead.

Wish I had more to say but I just don’t. Andy’s back from Phoenix, I cleaned the kitchen and worked out, and now I’m going to work on one of my stories.

Took the troll’s block off for the day just to see how consistently she may be checking for access. Nothing so far today, but I’ll reblock her before bed.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2011
Got a busy day today. Gonna scale back to the last Firefox version and install a compatible form filler since it’s nice to have whether I’m sweeping or not.

Tom’s got to get the tape off the vents even though we’re going to wait another week or two to call Jesse down to fix the heater since we’ve been having warm weather.

We’re taking a break from eBay this weekend.

Wasn’t sure whether or not to call earlier and risk getting just my mom even though I’d prefer to talk to just Dad, or to call them in the evening when I knew I’d get both. I finally decided on calling earlier and got just Mom. She sounded chipper enough and was happy things are better for us. Dad was at the store but she said she’d pass the word on to him.

I let Nane know how I feel. I figured it would just keep eating at me if I didn’t. So I let her know I was hurt and confused by her removing the pictures I put on her wall, and by the part-time friendship we seem to have. I hope something will happen soon to convince me to either hang on or let her go and move on. She’s been on Facebook all weekend. I’m wondering if she broke up with her BF or they had a fight and that’s why she’s been there but not in the mood to talk. I’ll give it till around the 1st. If there’s nothing from her by then, then yeah, it’s time to just drop her and get on with my life. I don’t want friends that only want to be my friends just some of the time.

Starting to also wonder if something’s up with Maliheh. A week or two between messages from her is one thing, but 3 weeks? I hope she didn’t lose her place! Unless she planned to slowly drift away all along, and I realize that this is possible. People sometimes change with age, but I’ve got to remember that the Maliheh of 1991 who seemed friendly at first turned out to be a very cold-hearted person. Maybe she’s still that cold and despite what she’s told me maybe she planned to dump me all over again but just in a different way.

After giving myself a few days off from working out so that some of my extra leg muscles could break down, tomorrow it’s back to half-hour workouts. And house cleaning. :(

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2011
It’s been a fun and productive day so far, but first I will cover what’s got me both hurt and annoyed. Nane. Nane had the time to add friends and to remove the photos I placed on her wall but not to say hello. Just a quick, simple little goddamn hello. It didn’t have to be much if she was busy, but she could have at least said hello or poked me or done something.

So I guess that once again I got the wrong idea and had her figured all wrong. At first I thought she didn’t care, but then I found that she did. Or at least seemed to anyway. Yet just when I thought she may truly care after all, I now find that she doesn’t. I simply can’t believe she’s just too busy to keep in touch and that she’s not ignoring me for some reason. It’s sad too, and makes no sense. I survived something I didn’t think I would survive. I thought she’d be all happy and excited for me and our newfound good fortune regardless of how short-lived it may end up being, and that she’d want to fill me in on her trip, but apparently not. I just don’t get it, though. She said she hoped I’d be around when she got back. Well here I am and she’s been back for weeks now. I made it through, I’m here, I’m alive, but where the hell is she?

I’m closer than ever to dumping her. Not hearing regularly from someone you don’t have a thing for and that you’re not close to in any kind of a special way is one thing, but this is different. I always considered our friendship different than my friendship with most others like Kim and Alison. They’re strictly friends. Nane and I weren’t despite the fact that we’ve never met, never will meet, and are both with someone.

I left her one last message asking what was up. I never expected her to write as much as I do. I know most people don’t like to write. But a month or two in between messages is stretching it a bit. Not writing regularly is fine, making me feel ignored is not. That’s not just it, though; it’s the deleting of the photos and not taking the time to at least say she’s alive and well and is glad things are better for us that’s got me upset. Maybe she really is superficial just like someone suggested she is. Oberflächlich.

Onto better things. We went to Mel’s Diner and I got the same grilled pork chops I got the last time only they weren’t as good. Too tough and too salty. The meat around the bones was ok and less dry so I ate mostly that. The scrambled eggs and fried potatoes with green onions were great, though.

We also picked up the mail and did some grocery shopping.

That person finally paid for the dolls they won. Just in time too, or else they’d have gotten in trouble with eBay.

The propane guy didn’t get here till 6pm yesterday because he likes his tank to be close to empty because of the steep hills around here. It’s nice to be able to take another step out of poverty like that by being able to have it filled!

No sawing yesterday and not much Jesse either. I heard him 5 times, but not for long periods. He came and went in the truck, then on the motorcycle, and then I heard the ATV for a few seconds.

Later…

What a day it’s turned out to be with this damn computer! Ah, the incompatibility nightmares I go through!

First of all, I inserted pictures between paragraphs in my last entry and asked some people if they thought it was overkill and if I should go back to just 1 or 2 pics per post or what. Well, Alison said she thought it was a bit much and that it took away from the post. I went back and looked at my previous post after a while and I agree with her. It’s all photos and hardly any text. So back to 1-2 pics it is. I’ll still leave the previous entry intact and still welcome people’s opinions in the meantime.

After dealing with a different kind of backache than what I woke up with which quickly went away and that came on out of the blue for no apparent reason, the computer headaches began. It started when I got sick of Firefox crashing and decided to give Chrome a try. But Chrome doesn’t support the Yahoo! toolbar. So I then went to upgrade to the latest version of Firefox since I’m not a fan of IE. Next, I discovered that not only did the toolbar not work correctly for some reason there, but my old, free version of Robo’s form filler isn’t supported there either. So I rolled back to my old FF version and now everything’s a mess. I didn’t have everything I had on my toolbar bookmarked, so I tried to remember most of the important sites and made a doc file of all my sites and the usernames, emails, and passwords associated with them. I hadn’t told FF to remember them all, so now I’ve got a list and I don’t have to go and reset PWs and shit like that.

Then I find my recorder isn’t working and we realized this was because we reactivated my MagicJack phone a few hours earlier. The stupid computer recognizes both as sound devices and gets confused, so we had to tweak some settings there.

Tomorrow I’m going to look for another form filler as Robo’s not as important as it used to be since I’m not sweeping anymore, then I’ll jump back up to the latest FF version to be safer from hackers.

I was glad to be able to get the same number I had before as it’s easy to remember. This thing may have a lag, but I like that it’s a real phone and that Tom and I can both talk to my folks if we want. I don’t have to worry about minutes, long-distance fees, or having to go outside for better reception either. If you’re a friend of mine and you’d like the number and don’t already have it, just ask.

Believe it or not, I got absolutely no sweet treats at the grocery store this morning. I usually get them once or twice a week, but I simply don’t crave them on this high-protein diet. It’s a pity, though, to have cut out sweets, switched to a 0-calorie coffee creamer and worked out regularly just to still be fat. :(

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2011
I’m getting sicker by the minute of these part-time friendships I’ve got going with some people that I’m supposedly “close” to or at least somewhat close to. I don’t want to dump them, of course, because no one’s obligated to be my buddy full-time and because I’m sure they must have their reasons for staying away, but it gets old. It just gets so old.

I hardly hear from Maliheh anymore, and it’s been nearly a month with Nane. After a week of not being around on Facebook, her picture is back to appearing there which tells me she’s checking in today. But the fact that she can’t even drop me a quick hello a little more often than she does really annoys me. It’s time to give these people a taste of their own medicine for once and that means that when I do finally hear from them, they won’t hear from me for a month or so, so they can see what it’s like. Sadly, though, they probably won’t even notice much or care. But still, just like Molly’s degrading herself in a sense by seeking those out who don’t want to know her, I’m not going to belittle myself by jumping to reply to “friends” the instant I hear from them while they make me wait forever for their replies.

I posted a note to my wall about being sick of part-time friends and wishing they’d at least drop me a quick hello a little more often and customize it so only Nane sees it.

Decided to stop the hourly workouts. All it’s doing is building more muscle, not burning fat. My legs need a break anyway as they feel like these dead weights I’m lugging around. I’ve built up so much muscle in my legs that I’m losing flexibility. Since I can’t build my entire body up in the way that I could if I had weights, and since I can’t lose weight unless I starve, I may as well do just a half-hour every other day since all I can do is maintain my current weight. That’s all I should need to maintain my weight and keep my joints healthier so long as I don’t go eating like a pig.

My waist is fairly small now and I have a tiny tight ass, but my legs and hips still seem huge. I can’t even get my stomach as flat as I used to be able to get it, though it’s close.

I still wonder if something’s going on with me. I’m thirsty all the time, peeing all the time and nothing I do seems to jump-start my metabolism. I’m sick of the backaches too, but we’re pretty sure it’s my sagging mattress. When we’re younger we can get away with the lack of support, but we need more support the older (and fatter) we get. I kind of miss coil spring mattresses. Waterbeds are the most comfortable but they’re a pain. Foam breaks down and causes sagging and air mattresses can leak.

Got a little nervous yesterday when I saw there was a message from a local area code. Not sure how to retrieve messages from that phone, all I could do was hope it wasn’t the temp company calling to say his job had ended, even though he was currently at work.

But all was fine when he got in. In fact, he said that they’ve been training him to do work done by regular employees and not by temps. So I’m trying to stay positive but don’t want to get my hopes up knowing how many times in the past we’ve had the carpet yanked from under us.

I also don’t want to spend money on things unless we really need them. An occasional treat like going out to eat and getting some incense made up that I’m still addicted to every now and then is ok, though. Since it’s been so damn long we’re going to go out to a diner this weekend we really liked that we first went to right before he got laid off last March.

Anyway, the call turned out to be another job offer, LOL, and he called to let them know he was unavailable. They said to let them know if he ever needed a job.

Two grand in savings would bring comfort because then if one of the computers went out in a way that wasn’t worth fixing, we could get a new one. Same with the car. We could get some old used junker if we had to with 2-3 grand. Tom usually fixes whatever goes wrong with the car which has been good to us so far since we got it a few years ago, but if God forbid there was ever an all-out engine failure, we’d be screwed.

Ten grand would be the ultimate comfort in security because that’s a year’s rent. I just can’t see even two grand happening right now, though, even though they’re talking at work about overtime that has the potential to bring in 45K a year.

I’d love to snap my fingers and be in a REAL house in a Florida retirement community where it’s always summer, but it may have to wait and it may be worth waiting for depending on what happens with the job. Yes, I hate the cold, but we don’t have real winters here and we don’t want to throw away opportunities that may never again come knocking.

For now, it’s nice to know our worst problems are a new family of mice to have to deal with (yeah, we still gotta deal with trailer life and the bum living that goes with it), and whatever racket I gotta hear from Jesse today. He wasn’t too bad yesterday, but I still heard things besides whatever landscaping, renovating or building is going on in back – ATVs, motorcycles, barking, etc. Of all the lazy cocks in the world we just have to live with one that can’t sit still for long. The daily saw ritual is about to start any minute, too.

Later…

Jesse left in the truck as soon as I posted my last entry and he just came back. Let me guess… now it’s time for engine gunning, bulldozing and maybe a little running around on the ATV or the dirt bike, right? At least there’s been no sawing yet.

You know you’ve had it rough when you’re excited about getting your main propane tank filled! Yes, they’ll be here to fill it anytime now. :) And from the sound of it Jesse’s chosen the ATV. :((( Just what the fuck is this guy doing so damn much of the time??? I hope it rains like crazy this winter but that’ll just cause more bulldozing and more of his little truck dance. He sometimes runs the damn thing over his driveway to smooth out ruts and his going back and forth in it can get just as annoying as all his other vehicles I have to hear.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2011
How did I go from winning thousands of dollars worth of stuff each month to winning absolutely nothing at all??? My only guess is that damn show that featured professional sweepers and upped my competition even more. Been giving sweeping a break since it isn’t getting me anywhere lately.

Had weird dreams last night. We were looking at other rentals, talking to someone about moving to Florida, and then Tom came home from work with a bloody face saying work was “fine” and that I “shouldn’t have let him put his bed by that wall.” Only the place we were living in during this dream looked nothing like this place. It was a two-story place that sort of resembled the house I grew up in.

I don’t know what these dreams could mean. Probably nothing. But sadly, Alison’s another dream premonitioner just like me and has been having dreams about needing to restart radiation therapy. I’m hoping right along with her that her dreams will be wrong!

Kim and I were laughing about the different ideas for sites we were having the troll redirected to. She came up with Ray Charles’ Hit the Road Jack, LOL. So she’s got that, Aly’s got Bye Bye Bye, and I’ll be sending her to a YouTube video of the Funny Farm song, hahaha! Yeah, I change it every week or two knowing she’s making multiple checks a day to see if there’s any loophole she can slip through. That loophole will come when her IP# changes, so that’s why I’m checking stats regularly. If she’s still jobless, living with mommy and with nothing but too much time on her hands in her late 20s, I doubt that will change anytime soon.

Now I can go back to using photos from my Photobucket albums which is most convenient for the animated ones since the troll is not around to suck up my bandwidth by opening every single fucking entry 50 times a day. I still have to wonder, though; what makes people so obsessed like that? It’s strange too, because usually, those who are obsessed with us have a sexual interest in us. I guess there could be a million reasons for one to behave as she does. If she was rejected really badly at age 3 or something, that right there could be enough to mess up her wiring for life, but who knows what kind of life she’s led and what’s happened to her. It’s just sad that one could lack so much self-respect that they felt the constant need to try to make those like them that don’t want anything to do with them. I guess they get some sort of a sick turn-on from it as do women who are attracted to abusers.

Yesterday I had a whopping 2000 calories and totally made a pig of myself. I said to myself, “Great. Now I really won’t know if the double workouts are helping.” But even though I fully expected to be up a pound or two, I was the same.

Tom contacted eBay about the lady who still hasn’t paid for the two dolls she won; presumably, because she couldn’t get the combined shipping she wanted. For some reason, she also wanted to do business outside of eBay. eBay should reimburse us the fees if they haven’t paid by the weekend, and then we’ll leave them negative feedback.

That’s some friend Eileen is to just drop her life and leave her hubby to accompany a friend to Russia so she can adopt a baby sooner. It takes years to adopt an American baby and I guess not all good things are worth waiting for after all in some cases. It’s sad that no one wants older kids. If I were looking to adopt I’d want older kids. IMO, infants are the worst. You can’t tell a newborn to shut the fuck up and let you sleep, but an 8-year-old would get it. Older kids can also feed themselves and they don’t need to shit in diapers. They don’t usually scream for 5 hours a day either and they have sense enough not to drink your Draino or squeeze your rat to death, LOL.

Later…

Life is still running smoothly but my God I am so sick of the saws buzzing every single fucking day that it isn’t raining or blazing hot! Saws, hammers, other power tools - it just gets old.

Then Jesse came down after an hour of someone in back sawing away at God knows what on his ATV with the dogs chasing him. He came down the front and went up the path in back. What was that all about? Just to see the place up close since it’s been a while? To annoy me by reminding me of his existence and that Tom and I living ALONE on a piece of property is just a dream?

But like it or not we’re going to be hearing more of Jesse now that we’re getting further into the fall. Well, I am anyway, since I’m the one who’s usually home.

So much for being able to trust my blog’s auto-publisher. I had an entry queued up that ended up being tossed in my draft folder instead of published and so I had to publish it manually.

I’m going to go watch a movie even though I should be working on my book and Jesse will probably do something to distract and annoy me.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2011
Went down a pound, but it’s too soon to say it’s because of the double workouts. Oh, to be able to find a way to have 1500 calories a day and still lose weight! But until and if I ever find that way, I have to cut down to 1000 or less and that’s way too hard on me.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2011
Not much to update on other than that we’re having a mix of sun and rain. Right now it’s raining, but later the sun will be out and it will be in the 70s. Then the next few days it will be in the 80s.

That’s it, for now, other than that I started working out twice a day. I’m doing two half-hour workouts on the treadmill, and then I work my arms and abs. I’m just curious to see if it will boost my metabolism and cause my weight to go down, but I doubt it will. I think I could work out 8 hours a day and still not lose weight unless I starve. But I still prefer the negatives of being fat as opposed to the constant hunger and fatigue that would come with starving.

Later…

They’re coming! The propane people are coming! Yes, this Friday we will no longer have to switch back and forth between little 5-gallon tanks every other week. It cost us $250 for 100 gallons but it should last for months (it better). So no more little tanks until the next time he gets laid off which hopefully won’t be before April, and if it is, hopefully we’ll have enough money saved by then to hold us over till he’s once again eligible for Unemployment. I know it may fall along the lines of negative thinking but after 4 years of struggling and 3 layoffs, how can I believe this is it and that we’re finally on our way up to stay? Or at least to stay for longer than a few months?

Gave the rat a bath with the baby shampoo recommended online. Instead of holding him under a small stream of water trickling in the tub, I filled the sink with warm water. He struggled a bit, but not too much. He liked it best when I was lathering him up.

Still having trouble focusing on my writing. I’ve got the ideas in my head; it’s just focusing long enough to get myself to put much of them into print that I’ve been having trouble with lately.

Love how I can schedule my blog entries for later publication. I think I’ll publish this part tomorrow morning even though it’s late morning on Tuesday right now. That way the entries will be more evenly spaced out.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2011
Our journals, diaries - or whatever we want to call them - really are our BFF:) No matter what we tell them, they never judge us. They never tell us we’re wrong about our feelings or that we should do things a certain way. These days they’re even better when we can block trolls from being able to view what we otherwise don’t mind sharing with most others.

After a short quiet spell, the troll started harassing poor Kim and Aly again, leaving harmless but stupid comments. That’s not the point, though. It’s not what she says; it’s the fact that she’s leaving comments after being told not to contact them. Being followed and contacted at every single site you join, harmless or not, really has a way of putting the creep in creepy. Yet as dumb as the troll is, she’s obviously aware of her actions and that they’re wrong as you can see for yourself on her own blog.

I told them about that site that lets you block IP numbers at sites that allow for the insertion of coding and so now she’s blocked from their favorite blogs. I didn’t realize at first that you could choose where to have trolls redirected. I thought that was part of the upgrade, but it turns out that only having a customized “fuck off” page is part of the upgrade. Therefore I decided to send her to a place more meaningful other than their own default redirect page which leads to a site that sells clocks. I sent her to her own damn blog, LOL. That oughta confuse the fucktard to end up there every time she clicks on my blog! I’ll probably change it just for fun every week or so as we know damn good and well she’ll check regularly, like multiple times a day to see if she can get into one of our sites. Love how Aly sent her to NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye video. :)))

As for eBay, the Barbie lot has been put on hold cuz some fucker failed to pay us for the two dolls they won. The reason they’re on hold is that we want to make sure eBay pays us the $10 in fees we lost on account of the person first. I don’t think there’ll be a problem but we certainly wouldn’t want to sell through them ever again if there is.

I’m getting sick of this part-time friendship with Nane, but I also understand that she has to live her own life and do her own thing. I never expected to hear from her or anyone else every day and wouldn’t want to; I just wish they wouldn’t let several weeks go by so often in between messages. Oh well. They’ll get to me when they feel like getting to me and when time permits, although it’s hard to believe anyone could be that busy. I have other friends who work full-time and have very active lives when they’re not at work yet they still find time to drop me a quick hello 2-3 times a week.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2011
It’s been a fun, relaxing and productive weekend, though my schedule sucks. We’re having another warm spell and unfortunately, I’m on nights, awake when it’s chilly and sleeping when it’s warmer and less comfy for sleeping.

I’m also pissed that my $160 Bose headphones are falling apart.

Becky and I had so much fun laughing over the 34 pictures she posted that she took in Valleyhead in 1983. It really helped make up for the horrible memories that go with the place and some of the people in it. Like that evil Donna A. There she was, clearly recognizable after all these years and as I stared into that scary, mean-looking face, I still couldn’t believe it was the face of a then 28-year-old. Not just because of her looks but because she was into classical music as well. Who the hell listens to classical at 28? Anyway, she’s sort of looking off to the side with an almost disgusted look on her face.

I got a kick out of how Becky said she looked like an undertaker in a bad horror movie and that she wonders if she’s still a boozer.

I recognized most of the others but we were unable to ID some of them. Unfortunately, she didn’t have any pictures of Mary C, Michelle S or Lori M. She did have one of Denise M, but it wasn’t a good shot.

Dyed my hair earlier and would want to kick my own ass if this place were ours. I can’t see them without glasses, but with glasses, I can see the little sprinkle of dye I left on the toilet seat and some on the sink. I thought this foam stuff wasn’t supposed to do that. At least it’s so much easier to use and rinse.

Deciding I’m already sick of my short hair and not liking how it looks, I did some research to see what else may help speed up growth besides the things I already know about like daily scalp massages and things like that. Well, flaxseed was recommended so I got that yesterday, sprinkled some on my oatmeal, and I swear my hair is already longer in just a day!

To cut calories I’ve been getting kids’ yogurt. Well, the brand I’ve been getting comes with a refrigerator magnet and each one contains a letter and a career that starts with that letter. Wonder if I’ll have enough to leave a “fuck you” on the refrigerator for Jesse if we ever make it out of here someday.

The rat has gotten extremely fat and lazy lately. He used to love to come out and run around, but now all he wants to do is come out long enough to get a treat, then go home and eat some more. He’s also filthy so much of the time. Rats have oily skin but even those that don’t have roommates to help clean them keep their own selves clean. Maybe it’s because his weight makes it hard for him or maybe he’s just lazy, but he doesn’t do a very good job giving himself spit baths. Yet he fights me every time I give him a bath. So Tom got the bright idea of doing his own research and found baby shampoo was recommended and he thinks he can “make a game of it” for him and loads of “fun.” LOL, if he believes this then he might as well believe in Santa and the Tooth Fairy as well. Although rats are good swimmers, getting wet is not a rat’s idea of a good time no matter how you present the idea to them!

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2011
I had inserted pictures between paragraphs on the last couple of posts, but people told me it made it hard to read. I guess that depending on one’s screen size and resolution, it might look good to some but not to everyone. Therefore, I’ll just insert pics at the beginning and end of these entries.

Andy left for a week-long vacation in Phoenix yesterday. Hope he has fun! He won’t have online access so I promised to stock him up on Formspring questions over the week so he can “finish the sentences” when he gets back. Yeah, we got this game going where I grab a paragraph of my journal or something like that, knowing the character limit will cut off the last sentence, and he fills it in with something goofy. :)

I miss Nane, as usual. She said she’d be back on the 3rd, and I know her busiest times at work are toward the beginning of the month, but I’m a little surprised she didn’t at least send a quick hello. Is she really that busy that she couldn’t do that much? I hope nothing’s wrong, but I don’t think so. She appears to have been on Facebook on and off so unless I’m misunderstanding how things work there or there’s a glitch somewhere, she’s definitely alive and kicking!

Another Friday has passed where we’re relieved to know that Tom will be returning to work on Monday. :)

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2011
Alison finished reading A Rainbow in Munich and gave me a very helpful and detailed review of it. Like I told her, if I were looking to hire an editor, she’d be one of the first ones I’d go to. She’s like me in that she notices little things like wrong words, misspellings and misplaced quotes, so she was kind enough to point these errors out to me. There weren’t many which is good, but it still sucks to know I missed them after 3 rounds of editing.

I might take a break from writing for a while to do other things. I still have a ways to go with the German, as ugly as it may be, and just because I know enough to get by in Spanish and Italian doesn’t mean those languages are perfect. They could still use some improvement.

Went down to 62 kilos, then back up to 63. I have a feeling that this new experiment isn’t going to affect my weight at all any more than most things I’ve done over the last several years affect it. Oh well. At least I can maintain my weight even if it’s too much as long as I work out. I guess sometimes we just gotta be glad for what we can do and not upset over what we can’t do. Hey, some people just can’t lose weight no matter how much they may cut back.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2011
Unless Nane wished Irene a happy birthday in private, and she doesn’t seem to be in the habit of wishing people a happy birthday that way, she blew off her birthday altogether despite “appearing” to have been online. If she’s blown off someone she’s supposedly been friends with since her early 20s I suppose there’s no chance of her caring to remember mine, but we’ll see.

I sent Maliheh another message, but I’m tired of her games and yes, they’ve gotten rather obvious. A few problems and a few busy spells I can see, but this has gone on long enough to tell me she either planned to “drift away” from me from the start or she decided to later on down the road for some reason (probably because the lust isn’t mutual). I told her I’m used to those I like not liking me back and that I’m sorry if that bothered her in any way. I also put her back on auto-send and told her to let me know if more than a few days pass without getting entries.

Christine sent an article about how animals really do smile.

They took Tom’s picture today and gave him a badge, so I guess they don’t plan on letting him go anytime too soon. :) They also gave him a desk. It’s not his desk exclusively, but the desk he’ll be using when he’s there.

He said Jesse called while he was at work asking if he called him. Unless Tom dialed wrong he didn’t call him as far as he knows, and if Jesse came down today I slept through it. I turn the sound machine up really loud when sleeping during the daytime. It rained really hard so I expect to hear that loud and annoying bulldozer smoothing out the ruts in the drive once it lets up. It’s cold and wet now but it’s to be dry and warm this weekend.

I set the scale from pounds to kilos which really threw Tom off when he went to weigh himself and he found he suddenly lost an awful lot of weight, LOL! A kilo equals 2.2 pounds, so I thought it would be easier to track this way on a weekly basis since I want to lose about that much each week if this new starving every other day thing works. So that means I hope to go down a kilo each week. Today’s starvation day, or close to it since I’ll be under 1000 calories, so I’m being sure to have tons of water. I’m 63.2 kilos now and want to get to 50 kilos.

In my entry from two days ago, I mentioned the full name of the sick bitch down in Arizona knowing that it would be automatically sent to her that way and also knowing I would delete it from my online version as soon as it was sent. She wouldn’t be re-sent the edited version and I knew that, too. Today I had visitors from Hawaii and Pennsylvania. Well, I don’t know if she’s got any connections in Hawaii, but I know she has in Pennsylvania and that she’s lived there. Also, both came in directly. LOL, so they’ll be looking for her name that doesn’t exist.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2011
Today’s the day I quit smoking 14 years ago! It’s Irene’s birthday too, so I wished her a Herzlichen Glückwunsch zum Geburtstag, and sent Nane a message. She’s probably busy catching up at work.

I was talking about freedom of speech laws and blogger’s rights with someone earlier. I don’t know about most other countries. I only know I already feel bad for the next person who tries to trample on my rights in my country, and while I hope there isn’t a next time, I suppose there will be simply because that’s just part of being a writer. Just like most celebrities are prone to being stalked, most writers are prone to being complained on (though I don’t let it stop me), especially by those who may have something to hide or who may have a guilty conscience. I doubt, for example, Amanda Knox lied when she said she was hit by the police. There are so many corruptos in every law enforcement agency in every country and half the time they get shot down I really have to wonder if they asked for it and provoked the attack somehow. But what probably happened was that the pigs spited her with slander charges for having the nerve to tell people about how they mistreated her. The justice system may be bad here, but it’s really bad in Italy. Meanwhile, just like with the U.S. the media can go and say whatever the fuck they want to about her. The media is nothing but legal slander/libel while capital punishment is nothing but legal murder. I’m all for capital punishment, though.

No matter what happens, I’m not the naïve person I was when law enforcement decided to take advantage of that 12 years ago in the name of hate, control and profit since the city makes more money the more people they keep in jail and especially on probation.

I was asked yesterday (and I said I’d reply in my next post) if I believe OJ was guilty of murder. I know he was. Where I’m mostly suspicious of Casey Anthony’s post-murder behavior and think she probably killed her kid, I’m totally suspicious of OJ’s and I don’t doubt for a minute that he killed Nicole and her friend. He may as well have come out and said he did it because his actions sure said he did. Just the running in the Bronco was enough to admit his guilt for me. Who the hell runs that isn’t guilty??? You run if you’re scared for your life or your safety like a part of me still is because of the obsessive, persistent and hateful actions of my ex-perps. You don’t run if you’re innocent and aren’t afraid of anyone.

But unfortunately, despite the overwhelming amount of behavioral and physical evidence, he was destined for acquittal for fear of another Rodney King-like riot. Same goes for Michael Jackson. I’m not as sure that he was a pervert as I am sure that OJ’s a murderer, but I’d say it’s likely that he probably was. Hopefully, when the next famous black person is taken to court who truly is guilty of whatever they’re accused of, justice will be done and the courts will overlook the fact that there are some sore losers in this world who have to take a shit fit on innocent people who have nothing to do with what pissed them off in the first place when they don’t get their way and who see racism in everything and anything. For whatever it’s worth, though, I saw the King video. If that wasn’t police brutality then I don’t know what is.

Andy cracks me up with some of the answers he comes up with on Formspring. Even when they’re kind of predictable they’re still funny. :)

I went down almost 5 pounds after having just 700 calories yesterday. I’m eating around 1200 today, though, because I can’t do the super low-cal thing day after day. The intense hunger and fatigue get to be too much at times and so I’m doing it every other day instead.

We got our first rain since May and the temps have dropped enough to turn that Florida dream up a notch or two. I can’t wait to move to a warmer state! I just hope we get the chance to someday.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2011
So Amanda Knox was acquitted today and I’m happy for her, especially if I’m right in suspecting she’s probably innocent. The evidence always did point to that black guy, Rudy, from the Ivory Coast and not Amanda and her boyfriend. The guy had a record, too. Some of her post-murder behavior was a little iffy, but not like Casey Anthony’s was. That one is probably guilty of murder and if not, she knows who did it. If it was a case of neglect where the kid drowned by accident and she panicked, she should’ve at least been convicted of that much. But I’m living proof that the innocent often pays for deeds they didn’t commit while the guilty go free. That’s why I sat in a jail cell myself for half a year while Joely N got away with perjury, slander, libel, vandalism, disturbing the peace, prank phone calls, and tossing sexually explicit notes in our mail slot which alone is a federal offense. Am I forgetting anything? Well, on top of abusing the welfare system, I’m sure I am.

Anyway, yay for Amanda. Italy may have a lot of hot-looking chicks and speak a beautiful language, but most of the country is pretty fucked up IMO. Fucked up legal system, fucked up attitudes, fucked up bigots, and I make no excuses or apologies for my opinions either. It won’t hurt my feelings if we don’t get to take the trip I won there, and seeing that there are only two more years left to take it, I doubt we’ll make it there.

I am amazingly not that tired or hungry for someone who’s half-starving herself and has been so busy. You know how it is with me; I either have to cut my calories down to near nothing to lose weight, or I eat what’s enough for me (1500) and stay the same weight as long as I work out. Deciding to try something different other than the one-or-the-other attitude, I’m partially starving every other day. I figured that if I just do this every other day it will not only be easier to stick to but won’t hurt my already barely existent metabolism anymore. I’ll always include tons of protein in my diet no matter how much I’m eating to keep the random cravings away. I love those Pure Protein bars. They’re only about 200 calories and have 18g-20g of protein.

After about a 35-minute workout (I plan to do more tomorrow), I cleaned the kitchen and living room. My doll collection is now down to about 30 dolls, so it was nice not to have to dust as many even if most are in the bedroom right now. I still might not display them all at once. Forgot to work my arms and abs so I’ll do that later.

I hate the cooler weather we’ve been having but it sure is nice for sleeping and working out.

Tom put a new washer in the shower faucet but we both agree that the ancient piece of shit needs to be replaced altogether. I hope we make it out of here before it leaks so bad that we have no choice but to put up with the racket, hassles and inconvenience that will come with that. That’s one of the things I miss about owning is that we got to do things on our own time so long as they weren’t urgent. But it’s even better to know that it won’t cost us a dime. :) Yes, I really could get used to this renting thing. It’s definitely cheaper and less risky. I’d only buy a house if I could pay for it outright. Not something I ever expect to do. I also don’t expect to ever be able to rent a real house that’s bigger and newer than this old trailer, but I at least hope to someday. I really thought that whatever was picking on us with the breakage curse we seemed to be under for so long would stop once we started renting and some things were no longer ours to have to pay for, but I will admit that there haven’t been as many problems as I thought there would be here. The cooler and heater have had problems, but the oven and refrigerator are still holding up. No leaky roof yet either, and that’s another thing I hope to get out of here in time for; before Jesse goes to redo it. That’s not something that would take just a day or two to do despite being flat and not very big, though he did mention something about something that you just roll onto the roof.

I was going through some of my old, private journals from right before we left Arizona and came across a link to a doll store. I was curious to see what they had and if they were still around so I checked it out. They sell dolls in various stages from soft-fired greenware to kits to finished. I saw that the dancing Indian doll I have, Joy, was there, and asked if it would be possible to finally get the dress that was made for her and how much it’d cost since I just bought her finished but undressed back in 2002. It’d be $55 plus shipping, I was told, but I’d get to pick the color and all that, too. It just may be worth it once we get a little more caught up to go ahead and have a hot pink one made up. If I sell her, I need her to be in something other than the joke of an outfit I threw together for her, and if I keep her I’d like to still see her in something nicer.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2011
So far we’ve made $850, over a rent’s worth of sales, on eBay. I don’t know where Emme’s going yet, but Tyler’s going down to SoCal. Together they sold today for almost $74. That’s a little more than half of what Tom makes in a day working his ass off, so although it’s not great, we can’t complain. But we are sick of people asking for combined shipping. We lose money that way since part of our profit comes from shipping. So we decided to give it a rest for a week and then list the Barbie lot next weekend.

I hope my new ATM card works! I accidentally started to sign my name on the magnetic strip, LOL.

I seem to hear less and less from Maliheh, Nane’s heading back to Germany in the morning, and Eileen’s off to Russia with a friend who’s adopting a baby there. I don’t get that last one, though. Why all the way to Russia when there are enough babies in need of adoption right here???

Someone in Freehold, New Jersey, who’s visited my blog before, just visited again. Only this time they looked up the words “gay” and “abortion” in a blog whose search feature has been broken for months. I tried to message Blogger about it, but they make that pretty impossible to do. Besides, if they wanted to fix it they would have by now.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2011
OMG, it’s October, we’re alive and I just don’t believe it that’s how hopeless our situation looked two weeks ago! Last night would have been our last night. The plan was to go right before the rent was due, figuring we were paid up through September anyway.

It got me thinking about this prayer thing. I didn’t know until yesterday that Andy was praying right along with me for Tom to get a job when our lovely government decided we weren’t worth housing and feeding throughout the next 6 months. Well, maybe just like some of us are more prone to dream premonitions than others, maybe some of us are more likely to get our prayers granted than others. I prayed several times over the last several months for him to get a job. Nothing listened to me before and maybe it didn’t the last time either. Maybe it was Andy it listened to. Better one of us than none of us because most of the things I’ve prayed for were not granted despite how fair and reasonable my requests were.

Not much else going on now other than wondering what I’m doing still alive and thinking about the next batch of eBay listings.

Later…

Why is bra plural and panties singular? This is a really good question since we have two boobies and one pussy.

It totally blows my mind to know that if things hadn’t turned around like they did for us and in the nick of time too, my husband and I would be lying side by side right now dead in bed with our beloved pet rat lying between us, waiting for our bodies to be discovered. Instead, I’m sitting here writing this.

Anyway, Facebook finally came out with a really cool app that tells you who writes on your wall most and what their top 3 words are. Nane would rank #1 instead of #12 if we didn’t spend so much time chatting privately. But we do so because much of what we discuss isn’t exactly suitable for public, LOL.

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Last updated August 12, 2024