June 2011 in 2010s

THURSDAY, JUNE 30, 2011
I sat in the bedroom bundled up in my winter robe even though it’s almost July and looked around me. Tears fell from my eyes in anguish at the thought of society, God – whatever – holding us back in life like it has for nearly 4 years now. It was then that I realized once again that while we can’t change fate, sometimes we gotta do drastic things in order to make a change, even if the change doesn’t quite end up being all we’d like it to be. In other words, we can go someplace warmer, but we can’t change the poverty that’s so obviously destined to follow us throughout life no matter where we go.

I tried to tell myself that with fresh paint and new carpet, not that I expect to ever have the money for these things, we could make it comfortably enough here for the rest of our lives or close to it. But that was bullshit. It’s simply too small, too old and too cold here. I can’t make Jesse’s bummy little trailer our “home.” I can only see it as a place we’re staying for now.

Something up there obviously doesn’t want us to make it in Cali. Bad economy or not, we’re just not meant to succeed here. But just because we may be meant to struggle anywhere on the planet doesn’t mean we can’t head to Florida unless some change that I can’t see right now (like a permanent job with good pay and full benefits) is on the horizon within the next year.

I think we should wait another year since I don’t expect to win 20 grand between now and then, see if there’s anything in the pension fund, and then just get the hell out regardless of what may or may not be there. We’ll just have to take only what will fit in the car, but I’m ok with that at this point. If I’m going to have to struggle my ass off I’d rather do it where it’s not so cold so much of the year. We’ll just abandon what we can’t sell. I’d like to take the kitchen table, the bed and the smaller desk, but even that will have to be left behind. I was thinking we’d take our Macs, the stereo, the iPod, the laptop, our clothes, the treadmill we hope to get soon, and our toothbrushes, toothpaste and shampoo. I’d like to squeeze in our dishes, bowls, silverware and new skillet, but all else, including our color laser printer and big-screen TV, will have to stay or get sold. We should be able to make enough money to get us across even if there’s no pension money.

I don’t know where the hell we’d go in Florida as I don’t think we’ll ever get to even rent a place in a retirement community, but at least it will be warmer. Worst case scenario we rent a “tooth house” in the mainstream, but we should be able to avoid hotels and apartments. I cringe at the thought of even a mainstream house because I know whatever’s up there will be sure to pick out the worst neighbors possible for us – section 8, college animals, screaming kids, barking dogs, etc., but I cringe even more at the thought of wasting away in this little trailer as nice as the area is.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 29, 2011
Ok, no more sleeping or lazing around in bed! I had a tooth pulled, not open-heart surgery. I’d just like to know why we’re having winter weather in the summer! It’s insane that I have to run the heat right now in what’s almost July. :( What the fuck is this climate in this area coming to??? Each year it gets colder, the winters longer, the summers shorter. :( No wonder I can’t stop thinking about tropical places like Florida. And real houses that have real insulation under the floors. A part of the underside of the kitchen floor fell off. Tom said it won’t hurt anything, but no wonder that floor’s like an ice rink when it’s cold!

I talked with Alison again who agrees I have a good point in saying she shouldn’t respond to anything the troll does and give her the reaction she wants. Obviously, the sicko hates herself so much that she feels she deserves nothing better than negative attention. I still don’t think her letter could hurt any more than it could help, but Molly’s not just a mean prankster like I used to be 20 years ago who knew right from wrong. She’s crazy. And unfortunately, they’re the hardest to deal with because they simply have no concept of right and wrong. They think it’s ok to spy and contact those who don’t want anything to do with them so long as they’re “nice” about it. Most stalkers don’t believe they’re doing anything wrong. I truly believe the only way to stop her is to A, make sure she never touches another computer again, or B, has someone literally watching over her shoulder whenever she’s online. But what are the odds of that? I’m ready for police intervention but am hesitant on that one because of all the corruption going on. And I also don’t know if even the police can scare her into leaving us alone, but it couldn’t hurt to get it on record with them that she’s a problem. So far they only have me on record, or so the mother claims in her threats to me on thoughts.com, so it’d be nice if someone formally complained about her for once instead of the perp complaining about the victim. So yeah, I told her, go for it and let’s turn the tables on the guilty party!

Aly says that while the mother admits she’s aware of her daughter’s unwanted voyeurism (in most cases parents will defend their kids whether they’re right or wrong), she isn’t doing anything wrong, and sadly, this is true. She’s wrong but she isn’t. Just because we feel it’s wrong to keep tabs on people who have asked you not to and who have made it clear they want nothing to do with you, doesn’t mean it’s illegal. They need to come up with a law that says that if you’ve been told not to contact someone 2 or 3 times, then it’s illegal to do so afterward. Unfortunately, what we know is “wrong” isn’t illegal, though. The pigs, for whatever good they usually are, will no doubt say the same thing - it’s annoying and it may make you uncomfortable, but there’s no law yet that says someone can’t contact someone online who’s stated they want nothing to do with them or follow their blogs and be a regular little peeping tom. But even if there was such a law against unwanted digital contact, I wonder if even that would scare Molly off as I’ve said before. Again, the crazy ones are very hard to reason with. They have NO concept of right and wrong. As long as she believes what she’s doing is ok, her mother, us, her shrinks, or the police aren’t going to be able to stop her. She needs to be killed, prevented from going online, or monitored like a hawk. But these things aren’t going to happen. So until and if there are ever steeper laws, she’ll continue to walk a fine line between legal and illegal like she has been, stalking and following us from site to site, but never threatening us in any way other than with promises to continue her voyeuristic ways because it’s “ok” to do so even if the person has asked them not to and has said it makes them uncomfortable. Even those who do threaten are hard to penalize unless it’s the president or something.

So yesterday was Tom’s birthday and I feel kind of bad that it couldn’t have been more fun for him, even though I know he enjoyed relaxing and just enjoying fun stuff on his computer and the chocolate cake we got.

I think of his family and again that old familiar anger seeps into me. Did they even think of him? Do they even care? Really, I hope that woman’s final days are pure hell! And yes, I’m referring to his joke of a mother.

I still have mixed emotions about my own parents. I don’t want to turn away from them after the way they saved our asses a few years ago, and they haven’t done anything wrong lately anyway. They’re just a couple of old people whose days are numbered. I also want to stick around, as selfish as it may sound, to receive whatever they may will to us as I know we’re always going to be very needy people who could use everything and anything they may get. At the same time, I want nothing to do with anyone even slightly related to me. I want my parents to live but I want them to not live so we can get whatever money they leave us and I can be done with feeling like I have to pretend to care about my sister in order to keep the peace and worry that she or Larry is going to get them involved in shit that’s got nothing to do with them.

I received some goodies in the mail yesterday. A beautiful beaded bracelet from Eileen that looks very professionally done for a beginner. It has pastel pink, purple and white. It fits perfectly too, and isn’t what I had in mind. I didn’t realize it would be all beads. I thought there’d be some of that flossy yarn used to do embroidery.

I also got a large puzzle book, a pen, and a coupon for a free frozen Bartolli meal for two.

I had a dream I won $2,500, even though I don’t like where I was notified of this win. I was told of this win by some guy in a hotel. I then ran to our hotel room and was reaching for a cell phone to call Tom when he entered the room.

This is a great time of the month to have such dreams because it’s usually the last and first days of the month that sweeps expire.

So far I’ve won nearly 3K of stuff in 3 months and about 10 hours of work a week!

Had other strange dreams, too. Two nights ago we rented a dumpy two-story house for just $450. Maliheh lived across the street and we were talking about her moving in with us to save money, LOL.

Last night Tom and I were moving. I don’t know where to, but I know we were doing it secretly. We planned to move without telling anyone and were even going to abandon our car and start “new” lives online. I don’t know why, though. We didn’t seem to be running from anyone.

TUESDAY, JUNE 28, 2011
Yesterday I learned I won a $45 pair of IndoSole sandals, so that helps make up for some of the pain I’ve been in. That’s new for me too; having pain after an extraction. But it woke me up around 6pm yesterday, a few hours after I crashed. I was in pain when I got up at 11pm, too. A couple of hours later I got back into bed in the peaceful quiet of the night – with no sound machines or anything – and fell back asleep for a few more hours. It’s amazing how much I’ve slept! And I’m still kind of tired too, so I’m not going to be doing much today.

I decided to blog at both MyOpera and Blogger. Why not? They both have their pros and cons feature-wise.

Larry finally blocked me on Facebook and now I’m worried he’ll drag Mom and Dad into it, even though we never “fought,” get them all upset, and once again do one of the things he’s really good at – pitting family members against each other. I should’ve known better than to bother with him anyway. Especially while mom and dad are still alive. Let’s just hope he keeps his big mouth shut if he’s even in touch with them in the first place.

Now Irene’s ignoring me, or so it seems. I just don’t know what to make of her and name both, but I know I’m sick of trying to figure out whatever their game may be.

Kim said the troll returned from vacation 2 or 3 days ago and was harassing the hell out of her on WordPress. She also said she and Aly wonder if it could be an impersonator, though I don’t know why.

I went into her MyOpera account so I could block it, even though she hasn’t attempted to contact me in a while and even though I hated to leave a trail, and again was stunned and confused to be described as a “former friend,” WTF? When we were ever friends and how did I betray her by talking about her with Kim? See, that’s what’s scary about the crazy people versus those who are just plain old mean and out to cause trouble. They’re too out of it to realize that if you don’t make trouble for people, then you don’t give them a reason to talk about you. But I still agree with Aly – she likes being talked about and she likes negative attention. I’m just surprised she hasn’t tried to view my Blogger blog. If she’s viewed MyOpera, I wouldn’t know it while the tracker’s down.

MONDAY, JUNE 27, 2011
Maliheh, who wished me well at the dentist, said she didn’t mind my seeing where she lived but was spooked at the idea of others seeing where she lived so she isn’t returning to Blogger. I told her I could have the entries automatically emailed to her if she wants.

Ok, now for yesterday’s nightmare at the dentist. I’ve had all my wisdom teeth and one impacted baby tooth pulled and never had a problem. The wisdoms came out in seconds and while the baby tooth took a few more than a few seconds, it was hardly a nightmare. Just a little pressure for a minute or two and that was it. It was over. Yesterday, however, was like nothing I’d ever experienced before and OMG! I thought I would die there for a while and it seemed to take forfuckingever! I actually found myself missing my old dentist in Arizona whom I haven’t seen in a decade.

The staff wasn’t nearly as friendly and as comforting as they were in Arizona. They seemed to have no empathy for me whatsoever. I won’t go so far as to say they were cold and rude, but they weren’t warm and friendly, that’s for sure.

Even though the assistant put a topical numbing gel on the area of the back bottom tooth they were after, the Novocain needle stung like hell anyway, worse than I remember it to ever sting. Not only that but I started trembling like crazy. Novocain can sometimes make your heart race and it did with mine once, but never before did I tremble so uncontrollably. I figure part of that was anxiety as well as having been up for 15 hours.

After what seemed like an eternity, the doctor started pulling. I thought it would be out in a few seconds, but not only does he have to numb me 4 more times along the way, but it takes forever to get the damn thing out! It was really lodged in the bone really well. The pressure was horrendous! I thought my jaw would come unhinged for a minute there. They were trying to get it out in one piece so they wouldn’t have to go digging.

A part of me wished Tom were suddenly there, even though he’d have been grossed out, LOL, but like the less-than-sympathetic assistant said – what good would that do?

Part of me wanted to tell them to stop and just up and run out of there, and even they suggested another dentist if that’s what I wanted, but I couldn’t just up and leave with it partially extracted. They were at least able to loosen the fucker right away. And also, there was nowhere else to go but to the county, since we have no insurance.

Finally, after drilling the area where the root connection is, they were able to get the damn thing out in one piece. The word “relief” took on a whole new meaning for me at that point! It looked nasty as hell it was so damn decayed. I’m glad to have that thing out of my mouth for good! It was totally unsalvageable.

As a small compensation for my stress and pain, they fucked up on getting the $12 co-payment from us, and I didn’t need any prescriptions. I’ve had to take over-the-counter pain pills a couple of times since it was pulled nearly 12 hours ago, but all in all, I’d say I’m doing pretty well now. I always used to love to brag about how tooth-tough I was and would laugh at Tom’s so-called “silly” fear of dentists. Not anymore! If that nearly killed me, it would’ve wiped him out for sure! Next time I have to have a tooth pulled I’m going to be shitting bricks instead of having an it’s-no-big-deal attitude.

Anyway, today’s Tom’s 54th birthday and we’re both going to look forward to doing a big fat nothing for the day. In fact, I’m getting back into bed now. :)

SUNDAY, JUNE 26, 2011
Yes! My MyOpera blog has been recovered! Still not sure what the hell happened, though. I guess it was a mass attack on several accounts because I saw in the forums that other people were complaining their blogs had been temporarily disabled due to security issues. I doubted I had violated the TOS like it said when I tried to log in. Like it really took me over a year to violate the TOS and with a couple of regular readers who work for MyOpera, yeah right! I didn’t think so. Especially since my blogging habits hadn’t changed and I’d been doing the same things on MyOpera all along.

But then this morning I got an email with my new password which has been reset. It’s good to be back but now I have a new problem and that’s that HitsLink, which is still my favorite tracker for its simplicity, isn’t tracking. I sent their support team a message so hopefully they’ll fix things soon enough.

Christopher, the thriller author who started following me on Twitter, turned out to be a rude liar. He said he was “totally going to get my book,” but when I asked him why he hadn’t and if he’d changed my mind, I got the rude response of, “Is this how you go about getting fans? I’ll buy your book when I’m ready. Lay off!”

Still not sure what’s causing the dryness on the front of my body, but we’re suspecting the cheap shitty Suave body wash Tom got could have a hand in it. So now we’re beginning the process of elimination. Hopefully, now that I’ve stopped using the crap my skin will improve.

I’m now friends on Facebook with my foster sister, Shelly, whom I met when we were just 16. She’s aged fantastically, the lucky girl! At 5’ 9” and tougher than tough, I always felt safe with her. I was just 85 pounds at the time. Our foster mother and her mean crazy friend didn’t believe in feeding us much. We liked to sleep in and would escape early in the mornings upstairs to this Puerto Rican family’s apartment when they left for work and school. We were safer up there. Shelly could protect me from Dotty, but Valerie was a whole ‘nother story. Valerie could probably kick the shit out of Mike Tyson. Still, Shelly was pretty tough herself. I always felt safe with her when walking through some of the bad neighborhoods in the city.

FRIDAY, JUNE 24, 2011
To date, I have still made more money from singing than from writing but am hoping that changes soon. A best-selling thriller author has started following me on Twitter! It’s neat to slowly morph into the world of writers and to be considered “one of them,” even if I’m not. He says he’s “totally going to buy my book” but I’ll have to see it to believe it.

Finally got a book review! It’s from Eileen. She hasn’t officially posted it yet because she wanted to get my approval first. She wrote “Evil Amongst the Evergreens is a story that follows the complicated relationship of two lesbians. It is full of twists and turns with an unexpected ending. The characters will stay with you long after you have finished the book. A great summer read.’

That was so nice of her. :)

Tom did a great job fixing the leaky faucet in the tub earlier. He put new washers on.

Here we go again with the fluky weather. This is the first time we’ve had to shut windows at night after we began to be able to leave them open round the clock. Each year it’s getting cooler here. :(

I don’t know why but I’ve had such dry skin on my stomach and upper inner thighs lately. These areas feel like a chalkboard no matter how much lotion I put on. I wonder what’s causing it.

THURSDAY, JUNE 23, 2011
Jesse came down on the ATV at around 6pm, unannounced of course, and took the saw we had yet to list online. So next month our rent will be $700 instead of $825. We probably would’ve gotten a little more had we listed it, but this way Tom doesn’t have to drive it to whoever would’ve bought it.

Only 5 sales since my book was published. sighs How disappointing. And no book reviews. Obviously, people didn’t care for the story. I guess all I can do is hope to improve from here on out. Eileen, who says a bracelet she made me is on its way, said she’d leave a review once she finished it. But because she’s so busy, particularly with her grandkids, she only has time to read a few pages a day.

Nane flunked the test. Meaning that there were no hits from Germany yesterday. Maybe she just hasn’t picked up my message yet and will pass the test in another day or two. I’ll keep watching the stats.

The troll didn’t check either blog today, which is pretty amazing. She sure has been harassing Kim, though I wonder sometimes if deep down a part of Kim enjoys fighting with her. I’ve advised her to keep certain things, especially links to new blogs, out of public yet she publishes them anyway. I myself should’ve known better as far as my own new blog and I should have kept my Facebook account private, knowing how she keeps creating new accounts to harass us from or to at least be able to view our accounts. But despite Kim letting her know she wants absolutely nothing to do with her, she goes and “likes” her pages and comments on her WordPress blog and calls it “caring.” Then she gets nasty when she’s told not to contact someone. The instant we put links where she can get at them, she sucks it right up like a straw. I just wonder how many years it will be before we can either have something done about her, or she’ll get tired of us. But it’s already been 7 or 8 years for the others and that’s a bit scary. Well, disappointing anyway. It leads me to think my online freedom is going to be forever restricted unless I want to just put up with the sick bitch and whatever comments, likes and insults she may feel like laying on me. To quote from her own words on Aly’s blog who tried to get her to go away, “I can reply and comment on whatever I want. If you don’t like it, make it for friends only.”

This is what they mean when they say that real stalkers don’t believe they’re doing anything wrong (yes, I’ve done some research on how their minds work). To them, they have a right to “care.” They think that as long as they’re being nice by telling you you’re a wonderful person, it’s ok for them to do whatever they want and to contact you even if you’ve told them a million times, nicely or not, to go away and stay away.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 22, 2011
Life is running a little smoother for us. The weather’s gorgeous, we have tons of food, and I’m looking forward to our upcoming shopping spree.

I just miss Nane and wish she were around more often. I still don’t know if she’s upset with me or has simply been too busy to do much online. All I can do is apologize and honor her request, and I have. I hope I hear from her someday. She wasn’t just attractive, she was smart and fun to chat with.

The rat was out running around and playing for a while and loving every ounce of attention and ice cream I’d give him, LOL.

I guess this is going to be a short entry since there’s nothing more to say right now. Just that our connection has been better than ever since yesterday, though I don’t expect it to last long, and the woman handling the grand prize winners called back to say that a certificate in my name will be sent to me to take to the park. She also wants us to let her know when we book the trip so she can give the park a heads-up. I’d really appreciate it, though, if I could stop winning trips and win more cash, LOL!

Now for the part that can’t go online. Irene sent a message yesterday, and in poor English, she said she wrote Nane a week ago but never heard back, she wouldn’t worry too much about her, she’s superficial at times, etc.

But does she really mean this? Or did she say it as a means of trying to turn me off of Nane as a favor to Nane? In some ways, I’m a lot like Marie and Molly, LOL. Only I respect people’s wishes when they tell me not to contact them, and neither one has done so as of yet.

So I decided to do another “test.” I left a comment, supposedly from her, on my blog. Then I asked her on Facebook if it was really her. Now I’m sitting back and waiting to see if I get a hit from Germany on my tracker. I do think she is picking up her messages and that she is reading mine after all. There’s got to be some reason I’m still on her friend list, too.

Kim, who is driving me crazy with tons of messages, said she and Aly are still being followed and harassed by the sick troll in Texas. So I did a little test on her also and so far so good. I ran and removed every link I could find to my new blog that I’d recently posted on various sites, hoping she hadn’t bookmarked it and would be dumb enough not to remember how to get back to it on her own, and so far she hasn’t appeared to try to view it. She tried my old blog 5 more times, though.

TUESDAY, JUNE 21, 2011
We just can’t get our provider to give us the service we pay for and we just can’t get Jesse to stop coming down without calling first. Argh! The prick came down at 7:30. Fortunately, Tom was already up, but he’s damn lucky he didn’t wake me up or else I’d have let him have it. I’m sick of living with this cock! I mean that is just totally rude to come down that early! Especially after he knows damn good and well that he almost woke Tom up when he came down at 8:30 the last time. Some people have no respect or consideration for others whatsoever!

Anyway, he came down to get his weeder and to tell us to go ahead and sell the saw (yeah, we figured as much, but we may get more money that way anyway). He also never even had the decency to thank Tom for weeding part of his land, something that’s not stipulated in the rental agreement.

Shit! He just left on the motorcycle. How many nights a week is he going to take off and leave me to have to deal with his damn dogs?!

Tom wasted even more phone minutes getting nowhere with our provider. We once dealt with them down in Maricopa and they were a problem there as well. It’s just that there’s no one else to switch to here! Is something trying to drive us out of here and into an apartment?

This time instead of the everything-looks-fine routine, we got “Buy a new modem.” But chances are our modem’s just fine. So Tom contacted the Federal Commissions folks and maybe they can help us get them to do their job so we can stop cutting in and out like crazy. I can’t even stream movies anymore or do much of anything before I’m kicked offline. It’s interfering with our work and with everything else.

Molly tried to get into my blog 10 times so far since I blocked her IP and 6 times she tried to see if my old blog was up and running. She’s also been harassing the hell out of poor Kim and Alison, begging to be friends with them again, and probably harassing Kathy, too. Our leaving MyOpera really stirred the sick twist up. I protected my tweets and beefed up my Formspring and Facebook privacy, but the troll will find some way to make contact sooner or later. I’m just amazed she hasn’t actually tried to friend, message or comment on any of my sites in a while, but unfortunately, the changes we’ve made may piss her off enough to try harder. It’s like she not only loves negative attention but she obviously loves a good challenge even if she’s sure to lose. It’s the thrill of the chase she gets off on.

After I blocked her latest Facebook account which Kim was kind enough to supply the link to, I sent her mother Judy this message before blocking her as well:

For a teacher you’re not very bright if you haven’t yet figured out that your daughter is continuing to harass those who have specifically told her NOT to contact them. You may have various sites blocked on her own computer, but they’re obviously not blocked on others. I have been stalked, threatened and harassed by your daughter for over a year now. Every time I block her on one account, she creates another one to come at me from. I have tried and tried to kindly ask her to leave me alone, but nothing I say - nothing - will get this girl off my tail. Perhaps you can try to explain to her once again that not everybody’s going to want to be our friend and that we can’t “make” people like us. I would appreciate any help you can give me. I’m also asking you not to reply to this message or contact me in any other way. I just wanted to give you a heads up on the situation is all, as I’m not sure you’re fully aware of your daughter’s stalking, voyeuristic ways. She really puts the creep in creepy.

But in two weeks the blog block will be lifted and she won’t be able to comment but she will be able to take the pleasure, once again, of reading my stuff. I thought about opening a new MyOpera account, but somehow, somehow, she’ll only find it sooner or later. There’s also only so much of my online life I’m willing to alter for this troll.

Irene visited and “liked” my last entry, but as usual, there’s been nothing from Nane. So Irene got a message from me saying:

I was wondering if you could help me with something. You know Nane better than I do and so I thought maybe you could tell me what the best course of action would be to take. Normally I don’t go to people and discuss others behind their back as it makes me feel like I’m gossiping. You seem like a very open-minded individual and so I’ll just get right to the point – we met on a language learning site and I came to have a crush on her. As much as I love my husband we all have our various attractions for people in life. But I made the mistake of revealing too much about myself and my thoughts to her and I’m afraid it scared her off and maybe offended her. I don’t know for sure, though. Maybe her silence has nothing at all to do with me but I sometimes get the feeling it does. I was just wondering what you think I should do. Should I never contact her again unless she contacts me? Unfriend her? It’s just that I’d hate to dump her if it’s true that she’s not upset with me at all and is just busy. I’d feel terrible for cutting her off in that case. But I also understand that we can’t make people like us and keep in touch more often. Just wondering what you thought I should do.

It will be interesting to see what she has to say if anything at all. Gosh, getting attention from those I wish would ignore me and not getting it from those I wish would pay attention to me really is the story of my life!

It was over 100º today and bone dry.

The affidavits and liability forms are all in place now and we’ll take the little mini trip I won in the fall when it’s cooler, even though Miss Hates to Travel will probably hate it. The only campground of theirs in Cali is 3 hours away in Cobb, CA. Why do I win so many trips?!

Anyway, I both like and don’t like the idea of going there. I’d hate to lose a few days of work, even if they do have wifi, and it’s inconvenient to be away from most of my shit and to have to sleep in someone else’s bed, and I’d especially hate to deal with a place that’s got to be quite a circus. With the way kids are these days, I’ll bet that even after school starts it’ll still be quite a zoo, though it only takes one kid to be maddening enough.

Most of the activities don’t appeal to me either except for maybe the paddle boats and miniature golf. But making stuffed bears and playing tennis don’t really interest me. I hated camping as a kid and there’s no way I could ever see myself getting into it as an adult even if this is a bit different. The only good in it is that it’ll be a change of pace to add some variety to our lives and give us something different to do. I guess they have spots for RVs and tents. They also have cabins without full facilities, and then 1-2 bedroom cabins with full facilities. We’re going first class if we do go!

MONDAY, JUNE 20, 2011
Today turned out to be quite a day with a big win! I’ve been on the go non-stop since I got up at 9:00 and am only just now finding the time to write. Our great day started off disappointing, though. Mid-morning or so Tom’s phone rang while he was out dumping the rat’s cage. I thought it was a call to go on another waste-of-time job interview, but it was really a lady saying, “Hi, your wife won the Jayco second chance drawing for our camping prize pack.”

At first I didn’t get excited. Yes, phone calls usually mean big wins. Not as often as those overnight FedEx letters do, but often enough. I was just finishing up the rat’s cage and shooing him home when I asked him if he thought it was a big win (I enter so many sweeps it’s hard to keep track of them all). “Yes, I do,” he said.

So I called the woman back and was told I’d won a $500 Walmart card, a $500 gas card to the gas station of our choice (we decided on Shell), and a $700 card to use at a Yogi Bear Jellystone Park Camp Resort. Later I learned the prize pack also includes a flip video camera and “goodies for the road.” The entire package comes to $2,000. The odds of winning – 1 in 30,000.

I was all excited and mentioned it on Twitter and Facebook and of course Andy had to bring God into it saying “God is good” besides “lucky bitch.” If there are two things that annoy me about him it’s his not taking me for face value at times and bringing God into everything. He brings God into everything like blacks bring race into everything. I wonder why he lied about viewing my blog, though. I asked if he’d been to it yet and he said no, yet my tracker said otherwise.

It was funny because right before the call I bitched to Tom that I hadn’t gotten any win notices all last week and was wondering if I should not bother renewing my sweeps subscription due to our shitty connection anyway.

But here’s where I started to panic and get really pissed. The lady I talked to said I needed a code that would’ve been generated upon entering the sweep and emailed to me. I ran and checked but since I entered in early April anything that I may have accidentally deleted or that hit my spam box from then has been deleted. I asked if this meant I wouldn’t get the prize and she said, “Correct, I’m not legally allowed to alter the rules or make any substitutions.”

To say I started to feel cruelly teased from above is an understatement! I vowed then and there to never ever sweep again. But then the lady called back to say that since no one seemed to have their codes (there was a total of 5 winners), they were going to go ahead and grant the prizes anyway!

So we printed out some forms, one of which we had to get notarized, and got it out in time for the 3:00 pickup. The other form we’re going to take a picture of and email it.

I’m a little too tired due to the excitement and being so busy to write much more right now so I’ll wrap this entry up and expand later. Let’s just say we’ve been having fun coming up with ideas on how to spend that Walmart card. :))))))

Later…

Been tossing around ideas for the Walmart card with Tom. More than likely we’re going to get something I’ve wanted for years – an electric running treadmill. I’m so excited at the thought of having one! They range from just under $300 to $5,000. I didn’t think Walmart sold anything that expensive! The one I’ll be getting is about $300 and goes from 1-10 MPH. I was almost afraid to even bother looking at first because there was simply no room in here for one, but then we found that we could just fold it up when we’re not using it. :) I’d love to be able to run indoors and never have to worry about the weather! Running is the only thing that helps me lose weight. We considered a Wii fitness pack and an elliptical machine but I’d rather just run. It’s straightforward and it works.

We also may get some stuff for the car. We need Freon to recharge the AC.

A shower massager would be nice, too. Some of the spouts are blocked or spraying at funny angles.

It wouldn’t hurt to get some more memory for my computer, so we’ll have to make a list and prioritize it.

Other than the lack of job calls and Tom having the runs for a couple of days and then him getting stung by a bee this morning when he went to oil the belt on the cooler, life is pretty good. Well, except that the damn dogs barked two nights in a row this week instead of one. Last night they went off and I said, “Oh no. You mean they’re gonna bark Sunday nights now, too?” I used to be able to at least count on peace Sunday – Wednesday, but now I see that the drunk up the hill may take off any night and leave me to have to blare the sound machines to get any peace. Before he’d sometimes go out on Thursday nights, but usually just Friday or Saturday.

It’s amazing they can even concentrate at the mail place on not screwing things up with the way they let this kid run around screaming like a little monster. There were two women and a guy there and one of them had a little boy that was around 5 years old. It was like a wild animal, running, shouting and banging whatever toy he had into things, and just totally out of control. My mother never would’ve let me act like that when I was a kid. Christine said she’d rather work than watch little kids after her boyfriend’s kids drove her nuts last weekend. Me too, and I am ever so glad not to have had any kids of my own. I’d rather do work I hated!

The connection is still cutting in and out like crazy and it really sucks that we can’t get the service we’re paying for.

Now for a people update. Last night I chatted with Maliheh. She’s losing students since she teaches kids and it’s now summertime, but hanging in there. She and Alison are the only ones I told about the newest tracker we installed on my blog that is incredibly detailed and much easier to use than Google Analytics. This one is tracemyip.org and as usual, you have to pay to access all the features, but what I can get for free is still nice. I love how it lets me block access from certain IPs. The only catch is that I can only do it for 14 days. You can choose from their list or make up your own screen to display for whoever you’re blocking access to your site. I joked about having it say. : Ha Ha, Molly! But I don’t want to even make the slightest reference to her so she’ll go back to viewing my blog a few times a week instead of more than a few times a day. As it is I’m worried she saw the conversation Kim started about her on Facebook. It will simply say that the page is no longer available. The only problem is that true stalkers keep checking old links daily and so she’ll no doubt discover she can view it again in two weeks. She still checks my old blog. She’ll probably check it for years. She comes in from my Twitter account, from my Formspring account – from everywhere. As harmless as she is she still has a way of putting the creep in creepy with her voyeuristic ways with people she knows damn well can’t stand her.

This tracker zoomed right in on Maliheh’s house. It’s a nice neighborhood for being in the city and the houses aren’t so closely set. They’re still too close for my tastes being in the mainstream, but at least the driveways go up to the houses and not between them, and there’s more than just a few feet between the houses as well.

I’m almost certain Nane has indeed viewed my blog, is reading my messages, and has been on Facebook, but is keeping in touch with people privately and probably posting things on her wall that I can’t see as well. Why she doesn’t just dump me if she truly is upset with me is a mystery to me.

I noticed with HitsLink that she never showed up on my visitor list yet the page of my wins I sent her after I told her about the sweeps and all that showed that it had been accessed. I also noticed on my old blog at Blogger that their stats said I got a hit from Germany after I gave her the link to my bio there. Well, after I gave her my new blog link, but before I had any extra trackers installed, I got a hit from Germany on Blogger’s own tracker. Same with after I gave her the link to the first story she’s in, Beneath the Smile.

I sent her a message yesterday “thanking” her for the nice comment on my blog to see if it would trigger a response from her, even though she never left any (I would have said it was a troll playing games) when I also enclosed the story link letting her know I’d delete it if it bothered her. Well, she’s only been to my blog once since then and she couldn’t have read it all in one sitting, so she either didn’t care to do anything more than just glance at it, plans to finish it later, or she copied it.

This morning there was a message from Irene saying she messaged Nane but no one knows where she is. Maybe she’s in love, maybe she’s on vacation, who knows.

I replied saying that as far as I knew she just got back from vacation and only sees her boyfriend on weekends. And then I realized my mistake and that Irene was fishing to see if I’d say, “But I heard from her. She left a comment on my blog.” So then I told her and Nane that a friend admitted to leaving it as a joke. Sure enough, I haven’t heard from Nane, but I’m sure Irene will have something to say about it.

SUNDAY, JUNE 19, 2011
I sent both Nane and Irene the link to my new blog and got one hit from Germany (before Google Analytics was installed) and 4 from Salzburg, Austria right below Germany and right where Irene’s living, so I saw on both the blog site and GA later on. Makes me think the Germany hit really was Nane. But Nane’s ignored comments both Irene and I have left on her photos and has no new apparent activity on her account, so she’s either contacting everyone else in private or she just isn’t around. Again, if she’s “hiding” from me it seems like an awful lot of trouble to go to when she could just dump me.

Funny how Irene “liked” the “kiss” I sent Nane, too.

As soon as I saw that Molly saw that my old blog was gone, she found my new one through my Facebook account. What’s funny is that she’s still checking my old account to see if that blog has been restored. Anyway, I should’ve been more careful about what I posted publicly but so far all she’s been doing is looking over my shoulder and not contacting me. If I do decide to leave Blogger I’ll leave a note on this site saying so, and rather than posting the new link all over the place and notifying people individually which is a royal pain in the ass anyway, I’ll just let people send me a message asking for the link to the new blog. Those that matter to me are my friends and these people should either know my email address or you’re on my friend list on Facebook.

It’s a tough call, though. If I create my own site I don’t have to worry about unwanted changes. If I go to MD I don’t have to know the troll is still spying on me and can enjoy the simplicity of it. If I go back to MyOpera I have HitsLink and a new chance to block Molly. If I stay at Blogger I have a nicer blog. I can’t mark individual posts as private there but can send them to Facebook easier unless they change things and fuck that up as MyOpera did.

Someone’s also flying below radar cuz I noticed the hit count on the blog go up and first thought it was seeing me again. But when I refreshed the page it didn’t go up yet the tracker picked up no new hits.

I called to wish Dad a happy Father’s Day, but he was at the store and so I talked to Mom instead. I thanked her for the anniversary card and money they sent. When I tried to ask about the age limit of retirement communities in Florida she wouldn’t tell me, saying she “never paid attention to that” because she doesn’t think a retirement community is right for us and she especially doesn’t think we should go to Florida, not that I think we ever really will. She says what we’ve got is “ideal.” She seems to forget we don’t own this little old dump and we simply can’t add to it. Whatever. I mean I don’t think the choice is ours anyway. This is where we live and we’ll probably be here for years.

It feels so good to be back to running again, though I think all I’m going to be able to do is 20 minutes a day with these joints.

Later…

I am amazed at all the hits my blog is getting! Do they read my blog because they’re genuinely interested in what I have to say? Or because they’re curious to see if I mention them?

Still can’t decide whether I want to allow anonymous comments there and on Formspring so I’ve been going back and forth. I hate to cut my friends off, but I also hate to give the troll a way to get to me if she decides to start her shit again.

The troll has yet another new Facebook account and has contacted Aly, so I just learned, on both Facebook and from her new MyOpera account. What surprises me is that Molly’s had this account for weeks, as I also just learned. I’m amazed she didn’t try to friend me.

Tom installed another tracker for me to try out. In some ways, I’d like it better than HitsLink if I could just tell it to ignore my browser or PC, but instead I have to insert my IP for exclusion. The problem is that every time the damn net cuts out which is several times a day, it resets it.

They’re way off on some locations, too. First it said I was in Nixon, CA, then Elk Grove, CA, then Sacramento which is where trackers usually say I am.

SATURDAY, JUNE 18, 2011
Although I’m still not sure where I’m going to end up blogging on a more permanent basis just yet, today’s starting off on a much more relaxing note than yesterday. Yesterday we had a scare for a minute thinking our PayPal account was hacked, reminding me of that dream I had where we were at some hotel and got ripped off. But fortunately the site was just down.

I’m currently setting up a blog site of my own but am still not sure it’s where I want to do my blogging. It’s got some features I don’t care for, but since it’s my site I guess I could always add what I feel it lacks within reason. I’m not giving anyone the address yet until I make my final decision and it’s all set up if I do stay there. I really like having control over my own site with the way I hate change so much and the way sites change things so often, but it’s also important to me to be able to have it do what I want it to do, too.

For now, I’ve decided to blog at my-diary and Blogger rather than open a new account on MyOpera. If they haven’t gotten back to me yet, they probably never will. If it wasn’t a security breach like the email message said, then I’ve got 3 guesses as to what it could be. My book link, graphic story excerpts, or Webshots photos I posted. Those are my guesses if it really wasn’t hacked. I just don’t get why they’d send me a message telling me to reply if I want it back, then ignore my reply. So no, I no longer want it back.

I was wrong about Shelley. She didn’t add me but we exchanged a few pleasant messages on Facebook. She didn’t tell me much about herself but asked if I married a guy, where I lived and things like that. Of course I gave her my blog and book link. I’m almost disappointed the troll hasn’t been in yet to discover my old blog is gone, but she will probably by Monday.

Irene’s ignored any questions I’ve had about Nane but is still friendly as hell. My blog’s gotten a hit from Germany and I’d be willing to bet just about anything it was her and not Nane. She commented on a couple of Nane’s pics, and she too, is being ignored, so again I think it might not be personal after all. There has been absolutely no activity on her end whatsoever that I can see.

Later…

My husband and I moved to Cali 4 years ago and have spent nearly two and a half years of it unemployed. I usually work online since I have a rare sleep disorder and don’t drive. We’re not even on a bus line. We live out in the country, deep in the woods.

I can do the things most people can’t and I struggle with the things most people could do in their sleep.

I’m short and pretty fit for my age. I’m not really fat, though I could afford to lose some weight. I run a few miles most days, but sometimes I don’t always control my calorie intake as well as I’d like to.

My eyes are green and my hair is brown, thick and curly and definitely too long. It’s just to my ass when you pull it straight.

We have an awesome pet rat that is very smart, loving and mischievous all rolled into one. He’s a year old now.

I’m 45, Tom’s 54. Our 17th anniversary just passed. We never had any kids and we don’t regret it either. I do like my freedom, even if I sometimes feel trapped by my life’s circumstances.

I’m a liberal individual who wishes the world wasn’t so black and white and that so many things didn’t have to be one way or the other like with marriage, for example. If you don’t want to marry the same sex, then don’t. Meanwhile, you shouldn’t have the right to stop those who do want to marry the same sex.

I love listening to music and I used to be a singer and dancer. Now my passions are writing and learning languages. I’ve always been into these things, just not as much when I was younger.

I’m sensitive and compassionate yet loud, selfish and sometimes a little too blunt. I love to laugh and joke, but lately it seems I’ve been down a lot due to the economy.

I spent my first 26 years in New England, the next 12 in Arizona, the next 3 in Oregon, then came to NorCal in 2007, something I kind of regret.

I’m fluent in American Sign Language and Spanish and I know a lot of Italian, Portuguese and Esperanto. I’m working on the German now, but slowly since I’m a very busy person. I doubt I’ll bother learning more French, though I do know a little.

I love perfume and I find it utterly boring not to either have myself smelling good or the room I’m in. I used to burn incense like crazy. I miss it at times but stopped because of the mess it makes.

FRIDAY, JUNE 17, 2011
Already? It’s just 6am yet Jesse’s already out on the ATV? I hope he doesn’t come down and wake Tom up like he almost did yesterday since he’s obviously never going to get “please call first” and stop popping in on us at random.

He brought down the weedeater yesterday right as he was getting up and he spent 5 hours weeding the entire clearing down here on up the driveway to where it forks. Today he’ll be picking up the saw and seeing if Jesse wants it. If not we’ll list it on Craigslist. I didn’t realize the damn thing weighed 65 pounds!

Yesterday when I was out there I killed a HUGE beetle. If it weren’t for its oblong shape and its 6 legs I’d have thought it was a tarantula. It was huge, jet black and totally creepy looking. The spray took forever just to slow it down. We’ve also got centipedes in the house again which are also huge and creepy. It’s that time of year when we usually bomb, but can God’s little poor-ass bums He just loves so much afford bombs right now? I’m not sure about that one.

Our internet connection is so bad I can’t stay online more than a few minutes at a time and just trying to get this journal entry posted is going to be a real challenge. It may take several tries. I’m not going to be able to renew my sweeps subscription as long as our provider continues to refuse to help us, and God knows how we’ll work MT. I’m not even sure I want to keep journaling online, but due to the shitty connection, I probably won’t post as often. Maybe I’ll make weekly updates instead.

So now I’m being ignored by Irene? I never heard back from her so that’s why I’m wondering if maybe she and Nane had a little discussion about me. Oh well, whatever. I just wonder why I’m still on her friend list if she doesn’t want to speak to me.

Later…

Just minutes after posting my last entry this morning, my blog was disabled. I received an email saying there’d been a security breach using my credentials and to reply to the email if I wanted the blog back and they would give me instructions on how to go about it, though I don’t see why they didn’t just reset PWs.

But then when I went to log in it said I was a “removed user” and that I’d violated the TOS – WTF??? Maybe this is a standard message that appears to everyone who’s been shut down for whatever reason.

I replied to the email and contacted them on-site as well but have yet to hear back from them. I have a feeling I’m not going to either, and again I wonder if past enemies have anything to do with it. Tom and Mitch suggested it could be my book link since so many links contain viruses, but that was a long time ago that I posted that. If it wasn’t hacked and I really did violate the TOS, why not just tell me to remove a link they had a problem with and just consider it a warning?

While it’s no biggie it does kind of make me feel like a kid again if it’s true that they banned me. I may never know, though, what really happened. I do know that quite a few others have either been banned or found they too, were one day unable to log into their MyOpera accounts.

I also got a message about some site being hacked where I entered some sweeps. What is it with all these security breaches lately? I no longer use the PW I used on the hacked site and don’t care if any old accounts with that PW get hacked because I have no sensitive info on them and don’t use them anymore anyway.

Back to my blog; well, if there’s anything funny about it it’s the thought of the troll logging in to find it gone, LOL. HitsLink is still tracking anyone who tries to access that page, too. She doesn’t view it dozens of times like she used to. She’s in twice about 3-4 days a week. Kim was laughing over the thought of it too, though now she’s going to hound her and Alison for my whereabouts. She’ll find it eventually, though. She always does. I don’t know if she has the link to my old journal but at least there I won’t have to know it if she’s sticking her nose into it at all.

The first thing I did was direct my followers and the people I’m closest to to my old journal. I did it in private so the troll can have fun wondering about me at least for a while if she doesn’t know where that journal is at. If I decide to blog elsewhere or in additional places, I’ll leave links on that site and maybe let people decide for themselves where to follow me if I decide to write in multiple places.

Later…

For now, the only place I’m going to blog will be my-diary until I decide what to do.

My parents not only sent an anniversary card but enclosed 50 bucks as well! How generous! This will really help, too.

Jesse, who was bulldozing the firebreak up at his place, and who now has the rest of the month’s rent we owed him, said he’d look at the saw later or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow. I guess he wants to talk to someone first and find out more about it before he decides if he wants it. If not it will go on Craigslist.

THURSDAY, JUNE 16, 2011
For our 17th anniversary yesterday, we went to the IHOP where he got an omelet and I got sirloin tips with mushrooms, onions, scrambled eggs, hash browns and pancakes. I could not only not finish half of it, but the meat was a bit tough. Everything else was great, though, especially the eggs and pancakes.

We sat in a huge booth that was adjacent to another huge booth. The whole time I worried some large and loud group would be seated next to us, but there never was.

A few days ago I made my first book sale in the UK so that was pretty neat. :)

Our internet connection is still horrible and they’re obviously not going to do anything about it. Tom wasted half a day on the phone with them trying to get them to fix it (at least we each made $10 on a 10-minute survey that day to help make up for the lost time), but they simply wouldn’t. I still think it’s someone deliberately playing games just for kicks. Some people are like that, and it seems to be at its worst starting around 7am. They know there’s no other provider people can switch to, so they can do (or not do) whatever the hell they want. We can’t afford to move, but we also can’t afford to drop them, so we just go online whenever we can get on. I miss cable! But those days are long gone. Ancient memories of a distant past that will never come to be again.

But I see no future either and that’s a little scary. I really think I’m going to end up killing myself with the frustration of continuing to get nowhere year after year. I once thought we’d one day be compensated for our struggles, but I realize that not everyone gets compensation. I have nothing to live for and I know it. It’s only Tom that’s standing in the way of me ending this curse by offing myself, but sooner or later I’ll nudge my way around him and start thinking of myself only and not him, too. Sometimes I wish I didn’t love him so damn much as that’s what keeps me hanging on to this waste of a life I have. Seriously, though, I see no future. I don’t see us in other rentals in this area, nor do I see us staying here all our lives. Where are we then? And what did all the depressing dreams I had last night of poverty and apartments mean? Was it just a confirmation of how doomed we are?

Not surprisingly, Shelley hasn’t accepted my friend invite from the “crazy” woman whose mother she hates, LOL. That’s probably what it is, though; if my mom dumped Charlotte, or she at least thinks she did, she’s not going to want to associate with me. That’s just how people are. If they hate your mother, they automatically hate you too, though I’m sure she’d be pleasant to my face if we ran into each other. Even Andy, who wishes she’d act like the godmother she is, says she makes him feel special when they run into each other at the beach like they do once or twice a year.

Still nothing from Nane, but now that I’ve gotten to know Irene a bit better, I’m seeing if I can get any info from her. It’s weird. If she really is that upset with me, why keep me as a friend? I don’t get it.

TUESDAY, JUNE 14, 2011
God gave me another reason to hate Him yesterday when I learned that Alison’s cancer has returned. Meanwhile, those few abusive assholes that are diagnosed with cancer (like my sister’s ex) end up in remission for good and get to go on to live full lives - WTF???

I’ve been feeling bad for her and worried. She’s still a friend even though we’ve never met. I wonder if God will eventually kill her with this. Maybe if they just do the mastectomy she dreamt they did, she’ll survive. Maybe this is what they should have done in the first place as unpleasant as it would be. It’s better than suffering the effects of the chemo treatment that might not work.

This may sound sick, scary and sad, but a part of me envies her. If I suddenly got hit with something deadly and didn’t treat it, then I wouldn’t have to struggle with whether or not I should kill myself or about me botching it up. I think it’s pretty safe to say I’m only alive now because of Tom. Naïve, optimistic Tom who refuses to see and believe that our lives are never going to get better and so what if it does since it’d only be temporary. If it weren’t for him there’s a good chance I just may’ve finally gotten up the guts to try to off myself again. But part of being under the kind of curse we’re under is knowing I won’t be given anything terminal until I either die of old age or I really do kill myself at some point. We can’t be cursed by the powers above if we’re dead. So while we may be given aches and pains to annoy us and punish us even more, I’d say there’s just about zero chance I’ll get cancer anytime soon or that my husband will die of a heart attack. That’s just not the way this kind of curse works. The point is to make us miserable or at least see us struggle. We can’t do that if we’re dead which gives me a bit of hope that the afterlife isn’t worse than or even as bad as this life if there is one.

Maliheh peaked in on my blog last night but didn’t send a message. It’s nice that she at least looked in on me. I miss her coming to my blog more often and sometimes wonder if she just got bored with what I had to say in it. But at least she was thinking of me.

I think I figured out Nane’s game. I think the plan is just to forever ignore me rather than cut me out. I’m also pretty sure she never read my message either.

The turquoise sold to someone in Japan for $20 and the game and keyboard sold for a surprising $65 to someone in Tennessee.

MONDAY, JUNE 13, 2011
Someone asked me what I think my life has mostly been so far, good or bad. Hmm…that’s a damn good question. I guess that depends on how you look at it and what mood you’re in when you’re looking. :)

Again I dreamt that Nane contacted me but still haven’t heard from her.

Instead, I friended Shelly L, my former foster sister who’s amazingly still married to the same guy, and Shelley R, Charlotte’s gay daughter. I don’t expect to be accepted, especially by Shelley, but we’ll see. I didn’t think Sharyn would accept me either.

SUNDAY, JUNE 12, 2011
Tammy asked if she was in the violent dreams I had yesterday. She wasn’t but I did have a dream last night that she was going to Indiana. Anyway, I realized I should be ok despite the dreams I had because the violence wasn’t on us. It’s when Tom and I, or at least one of us, is about to be harmed or killed that the shit hits the fan in real life. I used to dream I’d win something within a day or two of getting a win notice, but that has stopped. Now I just win something every few days or so.

I also dreamt I heard from Nane, though I don’t know if it was in a nice way or not. Guess this means I’ll hear from her again after all within a few days since I usually do after dreaming about hearing from her.

No sign of her being online all weekend, so I guess she is still with her boyfriend.

Mary’s still incarcerated and it says the info was updated as of the 10th. My guess is that they’re going to hold her till 2013. I really think they’re going to try to hold her for as many more of her childbearing years as they can legally get away with. This isn’t going to stop her from going back to popping kids with bad boys if that’s what she’s going to do, but in their minds keeping her another two years is two fewer years she’ll have to do it in.

I can’t believe how sore my stomach is! Tom read about this ab exercise that’s supposed to be the best ever, and what an understatement that is! You use the exercise ball by rolling out on top of it till the ball’s under your thighs. Then you pull yourself upright and almost into a handstand position, head down, butt in the air, and hold it for a few seconds. As the article said, you have to be in good shape to do just a few. I just did a dozen. I think I’ll need to take tomorrow off.

Yesterday was my one-year anniversary on MyOpera. When I go through my old journals that aren’t online, I wonder what’s the point of them. What can they ever be used for? Might as well delete these past days that can never be relived again, not that I’d want to relive most of them. But then I think about it and how they do make a good reference if I want to remember when a certain thing happened or something like that.

Just like I knew we would be and like I tried to tell Tom, we’re back to having internet outages like crazy. It goes in and out constantly, making me hesitant to renew my sweeps subscription when it expires. If they haven’t gotten their shit together in a day and time when no one’s internet service should be so unreliable as good as technology’s gotten, then they obviously never will. Tom will call them, they’ll make things a little better for a few days/weeks, then it’s back to the same old cycle of bullshit.

SATURDAY, JUNE 11, 2011
I spoke to my mom yesterday morning. She really loves her flowers and the beautiful vase they came in.

I also had “Kate” leave a few wall posts that may’ve piqued Nane’s interest. And Nane appeared to have been online yesterday, too. She’s still ignoring me but she wished a friend a happy birthday and finally responded to Irene’s reply to the post she left asking how she was on the 2nd. So it’s not just me that isn’t hearing from her much. It’s just that of those who have, I’m obviously not a high priority.

I still can’t make out her game, if she really is playing one. I mean is she deliberately ignoring me? She’s got to have seen the card I slapped on her wall yesterday. Or does she simply not care? And if she’s that mad at me then why am I still on her friend list? Has she noticed I’m now friends with some of her friends? I just don’t know what to think anymore. Did she even read my last message because she hasn’t visited my blog? And did she even notice the wall posts between Kate and I?

FRIDAY, JUNE 10, 2011
I’m having violent dreams again, although these dreams didn’t leave me with the ominous feeling that the riot dream did. Perhaps that’s because I’m not being bullied to death like I was when I had the riot dream to help compound the stress.

The dreams were quite detailed. Both took place in rural areas with Valleyhead-like schools around. Meaning that it was a giant old house and I seemed to be staying in it with several other people. Tom wasn’t in either dream.

In the first dream, I was out in front of the house with two guys and one woman who seemed to be in their early 20s. The guys started to come onto the woman and the woman didn’t appreciate it at all. Because there were two of them I decided against trying to help her by fighting the guys. Instead, I ran into the house, knowing they were about to rape her. A conservatively dressed middle-aged guy sat behind a desk in the main room that I guess was the living room or something and I told him what was happening and to call the police. He grabbed the phone and made the report. He was hanging up just as one of the attackers entered the room and eyed me suspiciously and in a way I knew was meant to scare me, but I wouldn’t let it and I held eye contact with the bastard. He then passed by me and headed up a staircase. The rape victim came in next. She was crying and I went to hug her. I then turned to the guy and said, you take care of the one outside and I’ll take care of this one. I grabbed some kind of pocketknife off the desk as the guy told me to let the police handle it and that they’d take care of doing what was best. Just as the rapist came back down the stairs I stabbed him in the stomach and said, “Oh, I don’t think the cops would do this,” nodding toward his gut.

The second dream was straight out of a slasher movie. I was in a car with some old lady driving down a country road. There were lots of thick green trees all around us. We got stuck on a dirt road which happened to be on the corner of her friend’s property. The corner of the land had a cluster of bushes while the house itself sat a couple of hundred feet or so away in a clearing.

Initially, I was in the front seat but the next thing I knew, I was in the back. The woman told me to stay put. Then she got out of the car and got something from the trunk. Next she started calling her friend’s name – Cecelia – as she approached the corner of the land. I suddenly saw someone with dark bushy hair move through the bushes before she apparently did and heard her start screaming as she was stabbed to death. I didn’t actually see her murdered in the dream, but knew that was what happened. I thought of trying to disarm the guy but simply froze instead as he slumped to the ground and started to doze off. I must’ve been sitting in the car for a while because, by the time I’d gotten up the nerve to crawl out of it and run back to the big old Valleyheadish house, it was dark. No one else was around. I scrambled toward a wall phone and called the cops. The dispatcher asked for my address but I wasn’t sure of it and didn’t have my glasses to read it from anything it may’ve been written on. “Can’t you trace this?” I asked. I woke up as the guy was telling me they were unable to get a reading on my location.

Those who know me know that within 72 hours (usually 12), bad things happen to me after I have nightmares, even if it has nothing to do with what happened in the nightmare. At least our eBay stuff is going to sell. Tom decided to list the game and keyboard since it’s meant for Xboxes, and it got a bid as soon as it was listed, starting at $20. The turquoise lot has two bids.

THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 2011
Why oh why do I miss Nane so much??? I still can’t figure that out. Why do I wish I’d hear from her more often? Why must my logical side fight with my illogical side like it often does? My logical side says not to spend so much time thinking about someone halfway around the world that I’ll never meet. My illogical side can’t seem to stop thinking about her and wondering what’s up with her. Do a blog search for “Nane” and you’ll see what I mean, LOL. The woman’s in nearly half the posts on this damn page alone and I have it set to display 10 per page. I will quit dwelling on her someday. She can’t help how she feels any more than I can help how I feel, so someday I’ll move on and she’ll become a distant memory. Unless anything changes between now and then that I don’t know about. :)

I sure heard from her friend Irene, though. She commented on my photo albums. “You look like an angel. Do you believe in angels?” she asked me.

My mind said, “Of course you think I look like an angel. You’re fat and ugly. Only the fat, ugly ones (along with the guys) are kind to me and pay me regular attention.” But in reality, I told her I didn’t know what I believed anymore and it’s true.

Had nothing but “spam” dreams last night. I dove into a lake, cut my hair off, and planted a tree with pink flowers that I’d magically stashed in the hall closet of what looked like my childhood home during the winter. I wonder why none of my dreams ever seem to take place in this trailer.

I guess it’s safe to say that mom got her plant yesterday not only because of the email notice I got, but because she tried to call my old phone. She didn’t leave a message, though.

Got a message from Eileen. I was flattered by how she said she marveled that I write books with no training, and that got me thinking – if poor people can get grants for classes in person, wouldn’t they have something like that online?

So Tom and I did a search and found a site that has free classes, poor or not. It’s by a university in the UK. I’ve already learned the difference between round characters and flat characters, LOL, and everything I’ve read so far makes perfect sense to me. Many of the techniques come naturally to me mostly by either just common sense or by examples set by other authors. But there are some techniques I could still afford to brush up on.

Later…

I guess I’ll do my entry before I go see what cocks, fatties and uglies may’ve left comments on my blog, not that I’m some beauty queen myself.

I slept absolutely shitty. I woke up smelling the slightest smell within a 5-mile radius. I woke up because I was too hot. I woke up because I was too cold. I woke up just because. Then the place stank of burnt rubber and that was when Jesse had to come down and replace the cooler’s pump which had finally blown up completely.

Even though it means having little to no alone time, I’m going to have to take melatonin and try to hold myself on days as soon as I get there because it’s just too hard to sleep here during the daytime in the summer. God, I miss having an AC with a normal thermostat where I don’t have to worry about making sure doors and windows are open enough and waking up because I have to either open or close the window to get the temperature just right! But the bastard above decided that we not only don’t deserve to live like the kings and queens He feels most of our families deserve to live like, but that I shouldn’t have a normal sleeping schedule either. Really, damn Him to hell and back for making me the little freak I so often feel like I am! The least the bastard could’ve done – if He were so hell-bent on cursing me with this sleep disorder so I can’t work and so as to hold us back financially – was not have me be such a light sleeper. But no. I not only can’t sleep at night every night, but I can’t sleep well half the time either. I feel like such a helpless loser and like things will never change! But I do enjoy the swamp cooler when I’m awake and I don’t want to return to apartments or mainstream tooth houses which are our only other options in life.

Mom left a message confirming she got the flowers and said she’d call back. I’ll call her in the morning. As it is, I’ve got to stay up as long as I can so I can hopefully sleep better tomorrow. I’ve been up since 9pm and am going to try to hold out till 3pm.

Nane was on Facebook long enough to wish a friend a happy birthday, but as usual, I’m being ignored. I think it’s totally safe to say at this point that I will never hear from her again. Makes me wonder yet again why she hasn’t dumped me. Guess I can just enjoy any more pictures she may post of herself.

TUESDAY, JUNE 7, 2011
We finally got to have the kind of weather we should be having for June. I hope it lasts more than a few days!

Our current 25-piece lot of turquoise got a bid, and I won a keyboard and didn’t even know it until Tom picked up the mail. It apparently came with the Rock Band game I won. It’s small and only has two octaves, but has full-size keys. Tom might want to keep it for himself.

I had a dream Tom and I were staying in some huge hotel. Our room was huge and we practically had all our belongings in it. We momentarily stepped out of the room and then when we returned it was to find that we’d forgotten to lock the door. Upon entering the room we saw that all our computer equipment had been stolen, including my purse. Then I was alone in the room later on when this guy suddenly entered the room through a door I didn’t even know was there because it sort of blended in with the wall. He started towards me, walking like a zombie with stringy greasy hair covering his face. I went to throw a punch at him, but my arm got hung up in the sleeve of the sweatshirt I wore. I finally pulled it free and woke up beating the shit out of the guy.

Tom reacted to this dream by going out and locking the car door, LOL.

Christine agreed with me that life becomes more predictable the older you get. At this age, you’ve done so much that not much is new and exciting. I don’t miss my old life, but a part of me misses some of my old feelings. I used to have hope for the future, false or not, but even that’s gone now.

I have been “poked” by my friend in Chile and “hugged” by my newest German friend, but still nothing from Nane. I’m pretty sure she hasn’t picked up my last message yet. I guess this would explain why she hasn’t dumped me yet, LOL, though I still hope she’ll be a bit understanding and tolerant and not feel the need to do that in the end. We all let people have it every now and then.

MONDAY, JUNE 6, 2011
Now that’s interesting. Someone in Laconia, NH has me bookmarked and visits my blog every now and then. Tammy just statused on Facebook that she’d love to catch up with her classmates from Longmeadow High. Why, I don’t know since all they did was pick on her.

But some guy responded saying he’s been married 30 years and is living in New Hampshire.

What surprised me was Tammy’s response to his response saying she and her husband love NH, especially the Laconia/Sugar Hill area and how they’re sick of CT and the rising costs and the way everything’s taxed there.

Since when does my sister “love” any state that’s so cold and snowy? And does she have a second home there? God would let her have enough money for that, too. I’m the one that doesn’t deserve money, remember? So yeah, I can see her owning two real houses while we have to rent a single dumpy old trailer. Either way, the Laconia hit may or may not be her. I still do know a lot of folks in NH, mostly from Valleyhead.

My mom’s 79 today. She told me she didn’t have any plans for the day. I teased her saying that at her age I could see why she wouldn’t bother, hahaha.

Once again the weather turned cold and rainy and once again the forecasters are insisting that this is “it” and that summer is now free to begin. I’ll still believe it when I see it! Come mid-June you should be able to leave windows open round the clock here until late August or early September if you’ve got a swamp cooler. Still, I hope it’s finally the end of the end of the shitty weather.

Still nothing from Nane and no way to say for sure if she’s ignoring me or just hasn’t been on Facebook. My guess is that she’s just swamped with work since she vacationed for nearly a month.

Although things aren’t bad any more than they’re good, my life has become boringly predictable. I keep busy doing the things I usually do – writing, language studies, work – but every day is basically the same. I can tell you exactly what’s going to happen tomorrow – my husband won’t get any calls for any job interviews and if he does he will be passed over for someone younger and less white (they love you if you’re young or black, but to hell with whether or not you’re competent). I’ll work on the job site for a while, I’ll enter sweeps, I’ll hope for a message from Nane that I’ll never get, and I’ll hate God a little more for not helping us out of this rut and for allowing us to continue to be held back in life, and I’ll write another chapter in my book. Maybe even listen to music, too.

As for Tom – he’ll keep filling out job applications even though there are only so many to fill out in the first place, and he too will do whatever online work is available.

Knowing I’ll be poor for the rest of my life doesn’t bother me so much anymore. You don’t need money once you’ve paid for the necessities in life. What’s got me pissed is feeling like I’m being controlled and like I’m some puppet on a string with no control over her life and no say in what happens to her. I could choose to stand in front of a semi and let it run me over but I couldn’t choose for my husband to be given a job. Why is it I can only choose bad for us???

SUNDAY, JUNE 5, 2011
It will be interesting to see if I hear from Nane or if she dumps me or both now that the weekend’s over and her man’s left Munich for the week. It’s after 10pm here which makes it after 7am there. Between 10am - 1pm my time is when she seems to log onto Facebook from work.

Her other brother, Mike, finally added me but he had no goodies in his lame photo albums.

I swear I’m hearing car doors right now, though I can’t imagine where they’re coming from. Jesse’s I guess.

Andy sent me a link to pictures his brother David took of the tornado damage. God must’ve really had it in for those poor people in the houses that had trees lying on top of them!

I still can’t believe a tornado went through Springfield of all places. I try to imagine myself still there, walking about downtown doing errands, playing bus like I used to have to do, then seeing that thing jump over the CT River and head straight for me and I just can’t do it.

Another two-story dream. I was upstairs in the bathroom when I heard Tom return from the job he just may never get. Now that’s a dream I can certainly file in the spam folder of my mind.

SATURDAY, JUNE 4, 2011
Andy’s got his power back but wasn’t staying at his brother’s like I thought. The poor guy just had to walk around his place with a flashlight. He took pics of the damage around Springfield and will be sharing them soon.

Being the nosy snoop that I love to be, I check out whatever family members of Tom’s I can find on FB every now and then. I was spying on them today when I discovered something rather interesting. Several months ago Nickolena and Parker had each other listed as brother and sister and were “friends” with their father, David. But now, they’ve still got each other listed as brother and sister, but they’ve not only dropped daddy, but Parker has a Victoria F listed as also being a sister.

My first thought was that Daddy’s been plugging his willy into some other cave since we last knew them, but then I remembered he sent his balls under the knife. So maybe Evie got knocked up and they split when she insisted on keeping it???

It’s hard to say how old Vic is since it’s a shitty picture.

Nickolena looks pretty good but Parker looks like a fat ugly geek and his bright red hair looks phony.

Nane’s brother Toby finally accepted my friend invite. He’s 7 years younger than Nane while Mike’s 2 years younger than her. Between the 3 of them, only one has one kid from what I can tell – Angelina who’s in her 20s. I mostly friended them to see what pictures of Nane they may be hiding. Just because she’s a bitch doesn’t mean she still doesn’t make for great eye candy. :)

There were a few of Ingrid and one of Nane at a brunch in early 2010, though Ingy doesn’t look nearly as nice as in the public ones that Mike and Martha, Nane’s Colombian sister-in-law, have in their albums. In these pics, she looks old, and not exactly ugly but not nice either. For some reason, her wrinkles are a lot more prominent in these photos. She’s dressed elegantly but her hairstyle is kind of young; pulled back in a braided ponytail that reaches between her shoulder blades.

This isn’t Nane’s greatest picture, but I still like it. She looks worn out and like she may be tired, depressed or even annoyed. Her hair is sort of trashed too, but more light brown than red. Still nice for her age.

Anyway, she hasn’t dumped me yet but I really think that’s just because she’s spending the weekend with her boyfriend and hasn’t gotten my message yet.

FRIDAY, JUNE 3, 2011
Amazingly Nane hasn’t dumped me yet. I really expected either a message or to be dumped, more likely dumped. I still think I’ll be dumped and that she just hasn’t gotten around to reading my message yet.

One of her fat, ugly but kind friends, Irene, accepted my friend invite but she had no pictures of Nane. :( Irene lived in Manhattan for a year and worked as an au pair. That’s how she met Nane. They’ve been friends ever since.

What the hell’s taking so long for the rest of her friends to either accept or reject my friend requests?

I chatted with Maliheh. Work is slow for her and she doesn’t want to even think about her electric bill with how hot it’s been there but is ok otherwise. We talked mostly about music. She really likes how Lady Gaga is supportive of the gay community.

Andy checked my blog but hasn’t been on Formspring. That’s because he won’t have power for a few days and is staying at his brother’s. Yeah, how could I have forgotten to mention that one? There was a tornado in Springfield of all places! I didn’t think it was possible, but there was a deadly one that went through in 1953. This one only killed 4 people. That’s what I meant by telling Nane I hoped it killed my brother and sister so I could have all the inheritance money.

It tore through downtown Springfield doing some serious damage to some of those old, ugly buildings. For the most part, it knocked down a lot of trees. The most amazing footage was when it crossed the Connecticut River! The water was stirred up like someone stirring water in a cup.

Andy was on his knees scrubbing the floor of a windowless bathroom when he heard an employee there mention a tornado that was just half a mile away from him, and he thought they were joking at first.

What’s also amazing is that a tornado alert was on for Yuba City about 30 miles away from us, all the way to Auburn. All we got, though, was a bunch of thunder and rain. I’m surprised we never lost power.

After learning that I won One Step Exfoliating Foot Moisturizing Therapy, ultra20 Moisturizing Foot Care Therapy, and a pair of Kerasal Dry Feet Therapy Socks, I called my folks. I updated them on my teeth, my wins, my life, and let them know that on the 8th they’re going to get a little surprise. I didn’t tell them what it is, but it’s a beautiful plant. Purple hydrangeas in a gorgeous vase. The vase is even more gorgeous than the flowers in some ways. I couldn’t have it delivered on the 6th which is Mom’s birthday, so it’ll be delivered on the 8th instead. I enclosed a card wishing her a happy belated Mother’s Day and birthday.

This flower shop is kind of expensive so we didn’t get any candy for ourselves. The plant was $50 and by the time you factored in shipping, it nearly maxed the $75 of credit. So I decided she needed flowers more than I needed to add inches to my waist, LOL. I chose to go with a plant versus flowers in case no one was home. It should last longer, too.

Ever wanted to hug someone at the same time you wanted to punch them? Yeah, I love Jesse as much as I hate him. I hate how noisy he and his dogs can be at times, but I love how understanding and patient he is with us having to be late with the rent and split the payments up. He’s broke too, so he knows what it’s like. Another cool thing is that Tom mentioned the miter saw I won and he may be interested in it. He’s going to let Tom use his weed eater too, since ours is broken.

Love Rrdio! They were having a sweep and I checked out their site and love how I could sign up for a 7-day trial without a credit card. If I like them I can plug them right into our Amazon account for just $5 a month, and I do like them. They have a good selection with no annoying commercials. I can also select what I want to play, unlike at Jango.

THURSDAY, JUNE 2, 2011
So I get up today, depressed and in pain – not so much pain since they started me on the antibiotics – but still in pain nonetheless, and this is what’s waiting for me from Nane, who just returned from vacation, on Facebook (must be rich to afford so many vacations and for so long and with a job she started less than a year ago).

So Nane told me she was sorry I was in pain but didn’t want to hear about my fantasies. This was regarding a rather wet dream I had of her recently. I’ve shared these kinds of dreams and fantasies before with her and it never seemed to bother her. So I guess I need not say that it really put me in a WTF? state of mind.

She’s not into women? Says the woman who admits she not only had a one-nighter with a woman and liked it, but who also flirted with me, called me attractive, and said she’d do what she did to me in a dream I had a while back if I weren’t so far away. This was the night she got drunk by downing a whole bottle of champagne and started flirting with me on her wall. She later deleted it and said it should be kept private and I agreed. Ever since then, I’ve been careful of what I said in public on Facebook where others she knows could see it. She may prefer men over women, but why do things like call me Lady Jodi when she knows it turns me on if she’s supposedly not into women???

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to bash anyone here, particularly Nane. I still like her even though I expect to get dumped for speaking my mind. But this is my journal after all and journals are for expressing one’s thoughts, feelings, opinions, beliefs, dreams, goals, fears, anxieties, experiences, etc. So even though I don’t hate her and I know that she has a right to her feelings, I’m not going to not say what I feel either.

I will certainly respect her wishes and keep all fantasies, dreams and dirty thoughts to myself as the last thing I want to do is make her uncomfortable or offend her in any way, but as I told her directly (so what I’m saying is no secret) I still feel confused and led on by her message and even a touch hurt and angry. My being depressed and knowing that my life is basically over no matter where I live or what I do, on top of having toothaches to deal with, only compounds these emotions and makes me feel kind of shitty. I mean, it’s not like it’s an all-out crisis or the end of the world. She simply told me how she felt and she has a right to do that and to feel however she feels. It’s just the non-mutuality that sort of sucks, but hey, what else is new?

I guess it’s safe to say now’s a good time to slip her the links to the story she’s in, LOL.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 1, 2011
It’s June yet I’m all bundled up in my robe, freezing my ass off and watching it rain. Everyone else is in the 80s and 90s while I’m stuck in the low 60s. I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. All I know is that I never would’ve come here had I known it was this cold for this long. If you like it chilly but without the extreme cold and snow, this is the place to be. The only good in it is that it’s great sleeping weather. But in June I should be running around in shorts and tank tops! It shouldn’t be 48º in the middle of the afternoon unless it’s January!

Jesse was coming and going in the truck, which for some reason he seems to love to do in the rain, and being somewhat annoying. At least the dogs have been quiet. Until he goes out this weekend.

To help make up for the miserable weather, my tooth is already so much better! It’s so nice not to have it wake me up and not to have excruciating pain whenever I eat or drink. :) I can still feel it but not nearly as much.

Nane’s ignoring me might not be personal after all. Someone else was asking on her wall where the hell she’s been, so we’ll see. Maybe something happened and it’s more than just a case of her being busy.

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Last updated August 11, 2024