October 2010 in 2010s

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2010
No!!!! I HATE it when sites change things, especially when the changes are big. I hate change! And MyOpera’s getting ready to change – argh! But I like MyOpera the way it is. That’s why I came here! If they change what I came here for, then I’m not likely to stick around, even if it means losing the stats that don’t work half the time anyway. It really stinks that people can’t leave a good thing alone. Nothing stays the same for long and all good things really do come to an end. MyOpera’s fine the way it is. What they really need to do is just fix the few glitches it has - background pics not loading, not being able to keep blocked users out of the shoutbox which hasn’t been working for weeks, that sorta thing.

Before Jesse gets to making a racket, though I hope that being a Sunday means he’ll give us a day off, I’m going to crank out another article on crushes vs. love. Bet Maliheh will find that one a bit interesting, LOL. Yeah, part of the reason I’m writing it is to hopefully generate enough interest in her that she’ll click the link and help up my earnings.

Later…

Alison brought up a good point about the fact that Maliheh might have chosen to ignore my friend request for now on Facebook, though they call it Not Now on their Help page.

If I had to guess, she already took action by denying the request, though it still appears as pending. But you know what? I’m SICK of guessing! I wish she would just come out and tell me what’s up with this! She knows she can contact me. What would be so hard in saying, “I’m still thinking about whether or not I want to accept it,” or “I denied it,” or “I never got it in the first place?”

But guessing is all I’m allowed to do, apparently, and so my top guess is it’s a bug. I didn’t report it, though, and say that I suspect it was denied even though it still says it’s pending. I’ll just let it sit there saying it’s pending forever.

It also said that if you do choose Not Now you can go back later on and reject or accept it.

But what am I supposed to do here? Does she expect me to ask her directly whatever it is I want to ask? Am I supposed to sit back and wait patiently until she comes to me? Or are we supposed to forever ignore each other except for what messages I may send her at times and what blog views I may receive from her, just like we’ve been doing so far except for that one day we swapped a couple of messages? Or comments, I should say. Like I said, I really wish she’d give me some kind of clue or a sign as to what she expects of me. Or maybe she already has and I’m just too stupid to see it.

I can’t believe that Molly has viewed my page 20 times today. As I said before, the crazier a woman is, the more attention I get from her. Maliheh may be a bitch (ok so maybe I am a bit turned on by those hard-ass types) but she’s definitely not crazy. Therefore I don’t “qualify” for nearly as much attention from her, LOL. She just needs to start hanging out with me online and chatting or something. I’d get a touch of craziness into her that way for damn sure and probably have loads of fun doing it, too. :)

The Girl in the Mirror is off to write another article, but if she doesn’t get paid soon she’s not going to be the girl in Helium’s mirror! I think I might start writing under my own name, though. That way, if by some miracle I do get paid, there won’t be any name confusion on PayPal’s part. Who needs a pen name anyway?

In other news, I got the kind of attention from Dieter I wish I could get from Nane but never will. He started off by commenting on one of my articles which I’m posting links to on my blog, Twitter and Facebook. He agreed with my views on lesbianism not being caused by male attitudes. If that were the case most women would be gay, LOL. He also asked how I knew Nane and I told him like it was. I simply told him we met on a language learning site and that I came out and told her I thought she was attractive. Also, I wasn’t sure if the feeling was mutual, but she seems open-minded with what little I know about her.

He replied with a “yes!”

“Yes, it’s mutual, or yes she’s open-minded?” I asked.

He said he didn’t know, he just loved her. I agreed she seemed like a very loveable person, but I didn’t hear as much from her as I’d like. I understand she’s busy, though, I added.

“She’s very special to me,” he said next and I asked how they met and how she was special to him.

Then he said that there we were talking about her and she didn’t even know it.

I said that I was just thinking the same thing and hoped she wouldn’t want to serve my head for dinner if she stumbled across the discussion, not that we said anything bad about her, and not that I thought she would go to my wall and read it (unless he tells her about it).

“Wait for her comments,” he said.

I politely agreed to, though as I pointed out earlier, Nane doesn’t usually comment or message me without it being a reply to a comment or a message I sent first.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2010
Nos vamos a ir – oops! Started to write this entry in Spanish, LOL. We went to the post office so I could cash Paula’s money order. Strangely enough, the guy at the desk never asked to see my ID or had me endorse the money order. Maybe he figured it was only for $10, so who cares? Then Tom got a money order for the rent and we came back to spend a day lazing around and eating everything we shouldn’t. At least I spent yesterday dieting off that extra pound I hash browned on the day before that, LOL.

Today I’m making a point of not doing anything that isn’t fun. That means I’m just going to write, study languages, and of course we’ll both take breaks to keep the rat entertained while listening to Jesse. Yeah, despite the rain we’re having today Jesse is still determined to steal the peace. I hear him buzzing about on the ATV and I’m sure the bulldozer will be next. Next week he’s really going to be raising hell and driving me crazy as it’s to be warm and sunny all week.

Although I don’t expect much revenue from it, it’s cool that I was offered a “job” writing articles at Helium and I like how you can pick any topic you want. Now that I did that 417-word article on gay marriage, maybe I’ll do a language-learning article next.

It’s just that the site is a bit complicated. I’m not sure I get it all. My ranking went from 9 out of 15 to 7 out of 15 since I posted it, so I guess that’s a good thing. But it seems I must have at least 1 star in order to get paid and I may have to write 10 articles in order to do that and get myself noticed more so I can be rated and all that stuff. So I guess I better get thinking about what else to write about. I guess the more views you get the more you get paid too, so I gotta think of not only things I know enough about to write about but things that are more popular.

They even have a creative writing contest section and I may submit some stories, but don’t know for sure yet.

A friend of Nane’s added me on Facebook. An older gentleman who left some nice comments on my photos who also lives in Germany and who also knows English.

Ok, here’s what’s been eating at me, but I must, must stress up front that I’m not trying to argue, challenge, accuse or piss anyone off! I’m merely stating my feelings and my opinions. That’s all I’m doing!

I know I said it doesn’t matter what happened 19 years ago as far as the little details go, and it’s true. It doesn’t matter. What actually happened isn’t the issue. But it bothers me a bit that Maliheh would lie about who kissed who and about us exchanging numbers at the bar. It just seems like such a silly thing to lie about. I also realize that our memories do worsen with age and that maybe she isn’t knowingly and intentionally lying, but really truly does remember it to be the way she said it was. Like I said, I’m not trying to call her a liar. But if I knew for a fact that she was deliberately lying about it, then why? Why?

I don’t remember every little thing that happened myself. It was a long time ago and I too, am getting older. But I clearly remember her kissing me on my way out and us exchanging numbers very well, and like I said before, kissing cheeks isn’t my thing. I probably wouldn’t even hug anyone I didn’t know well. Nor would I ask someone else your number if you’re standing right there in front of me and I can just ask you directly. And I couldn’t look anyone up whose last name I didn’t know. There’s nothing wrong with those who kiss or hug people they just met. I’m just saying it isn’t me. But being kissed by someone you were madly attracted to the instant you laid eyes on them isn’t something you forget easily. There is no doubt in my mind as to who kissed who and I wasn’t at all offended by it. I was actually quite flattered. What I don’t remember is who suggested exchanging numbers, but I’d guess it was me. This was when I learned her full name. She wrote it down with her number and so that’s how I could write it in my journal back in 1991 and how I could look her up on Facebook last spring.

I’m just bothered by the fact that if it isn’t a case of her memory being jumbled up she would say it was the other way around and that I kissed her and got her number from someone else because if you can lie about that, you can lie about other things. Again I am NOT saying she’s lying. I’m just saying she could be. But I’m not a mind reader. I can’t see into her mind and “see” if she’s lying or if she just doesn’t remember things correctly. I don’t think any less of her and it’s not like I’d go run and cancel the friend request thing if she came out and said she did lie. I just want her to be truthful about it is all, and why not? She was truthful about everything else. A little off on the timing of the calls, but I attribute that to the pig who wrote up the report, not her, as most pigs will lie and exaggerate every chance they get. Can’t blame her for them writing that I started calling her before we met and kept calling long after I was caught and in court for it.

I had a dream about us joking over who kissed who, but seriously and as I would tell anyone unless your memory truly has gone to hell, please don’t bullshit me. It serves no purpose other than to cause others to mistrust us when we hold things back or turn things around.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2010
Good morning. Before I get on with my work (and before Jesse gets noisy), my new tropical lotion smells like furniture polish and I’m up a pound. Guess that’s what I get for having that extra hash brown yesterday.

I’m keeping the bedroom door shut so the rat has one less room to cause trouble in when I feel like letting him out to run around and raise hell.

Maliheh’s late in coming to my blog again, and again I have to wonder if it has to do with me.

Later…

Just a quick entry to cap off the rest of the day. Especially since I don’t know if I’ll have time to write much over the weekend, and if I do I’ll be wanting to catch up on my story which Jesse wouldn’t let me work on today, assuming it’s too rainy for him to be able to make a racket.

That damn cock drove me crazy for nearly 5 hours “tending the farm.” You know, the one we don’t have. It sure sounded like we did, anyway. He was bulldozing God knows what up by his place. The day ended up pretty much going to waste as I could not concentrate on anything because that thing is so loud and obnoxious. It’s clouding up now and starting to rain, but in a few hours, the dogs will take over the racket as he heads into Sacramento overnight. That’s ok, though, as I’ll be crashing by then.

Tom was saying he was smoothing out ruts in the drive from all the rain we had, but he was clearly working up at his place today, not on the drive. I went out to see if I could get a sense of what was going on, hoping to run into him so I could ask how much longer it would take, but I could only catch a glimpse of him through the trees towards the back front of his place, heading towards us. He couldn’t have been in his backyard since he couldn’t get the thing back there and there’s nothing to bulldoze back there. You can’t see the backyard anyway with the house, hills and trees in the way unless you actually go into it. There’s nothing to bullshit in front either, so my guess is he was clearing the firebreak area, though it makes no sense to do this after fire season. Tom said some trees might’ve gone down. He might’ve been gathering firewood too, but whatever the hell he was doing, I just hope it won’t become a regular thing! Yet I fear that any day it’s sunny and not real hot, he’s going to be doing something. He’s the nervous type who just can’t sit still. Spending hours with a good book or in front of a TV simply isn’t him, and he has no computer either. I just think tending the land in ways that really annoy the hell out of me when I’m on days is going to be his new “job,” bad back or not.

Tom overheard something rather uncool at work and that’s other temps saying they’ve been temps for 11 months yet still not hired. I’m not at all surprised. Unfortunately, it’s a very common practice to hire temps so that employers don’t have to insure them. Most workers seem to be temps these days. But that’s ok. We don’t need insurance and I don’t have to go to a dentist. I’ve been dealing with dental pain since around 2004 and am plenty used to it by now. And the more teeth that die the less they hurt. It’s been much better since the last two died. Maybe I’ll be insured in a few more years if the so-called health reform thing really is for real and it really kicks in. If not, there’s always Medicare when I’m 65. We would still rather he have a good-paying job, even as just a temp, than no job at all. Getting a permanent position is very hard to do these days anyway, as I just said.

Still no visits from Maliheh today. Again, is she weaning her way off of my blog now that the story’s done? I realize she could just be busy, but I have a feeling I’m going to start seeing a pattern here. Perhaps she stuck around after the story to surprise me by still coming around, then just as I was all happy over that she decided to deflate my bubble. IDK, but it’s obvious she’s never going to like me or accept the friend invite. Oh well. We win some and we lose some in life. And I’m her loss as well, even if she can’t help but feel the way she feels and has every right to do so.

My OSU fan still comes around, surprisingly. I thought they were only coming for the story, but apparently not.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2010
I wasn’t going to do an entry, but I guess I could squeeze a quick one in before bed, though I should be up for a couple more hours.

If I didn’t love my rat so much I’d have grabbed the piece of vermin by the tail, opened the door and tossed him out. The furry bastard chewed one of my speaker wires right in half! Luckily Tom’s a real genius with stuff like that and he fixed it in just a few minutes.

I also really wish Jesse could give me a day off from the goddamn ATV and motorcycle! Is he going to do this every fucking day that it’s under 90º and not raining?! The motorcycle’s loud, but it’s not buzzing around and around the place like crazy for hours. Yet he went back and forth and back and forth on the fucking ATV like crazy for hours. He left around noon on the motorcycle and I figured next would come the barking, though it didn’t since we hit 70º out there and they prefer to go off when it’s colder. But then 10 minutes later he returned. I still can’t believe so much racket can come from where just one person lives. Just one person!

Just when I thought he would finally shut up for the day, I get hit with the bullshitter in the late afternoon. It’s either him or his fucking dogs! If I didn’t know any better I’d swear we were living on a farm with all the machinery noise we get hit with.

Sorry to do nothing but complain in this entry, LOL. Things could be worse! I still got part of the first chapter of my new book done.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2010
Jesse’s racket didn’t go on for too long, fortunately, and Tom said he actually did him a favor. I guess he had a small pile of brush in the drive for a while, and while it was easy enough to drive over, Tom was going to move it out of the way later on. By the sound and smell of it, Jesse was gathering and burning brush. That’s why the ATV sounded so close. Hopefully, he’ll stay put today. I have a lot of writing and language studying to do today.

As some of you know, for the longest time I was a very non-forgiving person. Easy to piss off and easy to lose. And while I’m trying to be more tolerant and accepting, I stopped communication with Marie for a handful of months because I couldn’t take her obsessive ways and paranoia. My inbox would be flooded every day with messages galore and I would be accused of “plotting” against her or not giving a damn if I didn’t reply instantly. Any talk of Maliheh or anyone else she knew I was attracted to in more than just a friendly way (even though I don’t ever expect to actually see Maliheh in person) would drive her insane with jealousy. As I told her, it’s ok to feel what you feel, but the way you’ve been handling it really puts a lot of stress on me. I’d be jealous too, for example, if I knew someone was with Maliheh (even though I can’t imagine us ever being able to cut it in a relationship anyway because we’re so different from each other and too similar in some ways as well), but while I’d feel jealous I would know and understand she has the right to live her life as she sees fit. And I would be happier for her if she was happy than I would be jealous.

While I think I may end up regretting it, I sent Marie a message on Facebook and told her that if she can not bombard and smother me with a million messages, and keep her paranoia at bay (I promised her I would never write about why she is the way she is), then she can say hello on my blog every now and then to let me know she’s alive and well. I do think of her from time to time and I did love her once. She then sent me a friend invite saying she’d email me. I accepted it but made it clear that I didn’t want to go back to doing a million emails and messages. That’s how trouble starts. I not only don’t want a million messages a day, but I don’t have time for that as I tried to tell her before. But for some reason, she seems to be afraid to come to my blog. Maybe that’s because she knows I’ll know it (if and when the stats happen to be working) and I think this is why I feel I can trust Maliheh and that she has nothing to hide or any evil intentions in mind for me; because she’s at least got the guts to show herself. waves hand Hello, good looking. :)

And now I’m running off to see what my adorable little ratty has decided to get into this morning. He’s probably tearing things up in the closet. shakes head

OMG, this is so funny! I just got a reply from Marie saying “LOL, yes boss” to my reminding her I’m not going to go back and forth a million times a day with the paranoia and the messages. So Maliheh’s my boss and I’m her boss, LOL!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2010
I woke up this morning and the first thing I asked myself was, “Was yesterday just a dream? Did I only dream she contacted me? The REAL Maliheh?” Then I grinned ear to ear when I realized that no, it wasn’t a dream. She contacted me – yay! She really, really did. The real one. We disagreed on half the things we discussed, but she contacted me – yippee! She’s not at all pleased by my story, but she contacted me – woot! She may even think I’m ugly and the shittiest writer on earth, but she still contacted me – woo-hoo! I’m pretty ecstatic even if she didn’t exactly tell me what I wanted to hear at times. The biggest thing I disagree with is who kissed who, but if we’re going to sit and worry about every petty little detail from the past, we may as well all argue over what we had for dinner 10 years ago and what we saw on TV 20 years ago on a particular day. In other words who cares as long as we’re kind and respectful to each other from here on out?

Let me get my half-assed cyber girlfriend out of the way first and save the best for last. We ended up chatting on Facebook. She was at work and said that if she doesn’t reply right away it was cuz the boss man was around. It was 1am here and 10am there in Germany. For some reason, I didn’t feel that excitement I used to feel when we’d chat or swap messages. I found the conversation to be a bit boring, actually, though it was still nice. As she put it, she’s freezing her ass off at 5º C.

Also, she started learning English in 5th grade and needs it for her job as a financial sector, and she even lived in New York for a few years. She’s traveled to many countries but has never been to California. She’s more the Mediterranean type who loves the sun and sea so she goes to Turkey every 2-4 weeks cuz it’s cheap and less than a 3-hour flight and she loves the food and music there. I was actually the one who ended the conversation cuz my tummy was growling and I wanted to go eat, LOL.

I do like, however, that she’s a more “classier” flirt. She’s not cheap and slutty about it like Marie was where that’s all she talks about, thus giving the impression that’s all she cares about. From Nane, I get just an occasional reference that actually makes it more special when she compliments something about me or my appearance.

Now to get on with someone in my own damn country who actually pays more attention to me and cares a little about me – yes, I know it’s not literally about yours truly but about what she says – while I turn the rat loose for his exercise and to no doubt get into some sort of shit he’s not supposed to get into. He likes to cause trouble a hell of a lot more than I ever did, LOL.

I said seeing her on my list always makes me smile, but when I first checked my stats today, believe me when I say it isn’t humanly possible to smile as much as I saw her. Yeah, the stats are way, way messed up. They’re getting worse all the time too, but I’m not going to say how many times she was listed. I’m supposed to be sticking to feelings, not facts, LOL.

I have thought about it and decided to pretty much abandon the story. Yes, I could edit it. That’s part of what we writers do. But seeing that those who wanted to read it already have, I see no point in taking on such a huge job when I have other projects lined up, including one which I’ve been asked to write that I might get paid for. I’m not at liberty to discuss that part of it right now. So unless I do decide to re-work the manuscript later on down the road, Evil Amongst the Evergreens is history.

The biggest bummer about yesterday’s contact – even more of a bummer than her saying I kissed her – was to learn that she is obviously less than pleased about the story. I don’t know why she didn’t come forth a lot sooner than she did to tell me she wanted out of it, as I’d have been perfectly willing to give her the boot and kick her out, but I guess she had her reasons. Apparently, she misunderstood me about not contacting me. When I thought she was the one bugging me on Formspring I told her something like, “I know it’s you! Do NOT contact me again.” But after I learned who it really was and apologized for accusing her, I thought she knew I was open to contact at that point on, but I guess not. But hey, Maliheh and I have always done a much better job of misunderstanding each other than actually getting where the other’s coming from, LOL. In fact, I just might worry about us if we ever started “getting” each other!

I’m very sorry she’s not at all flattered or honored in any way where the story’s concerned. But she has a right to feel as she does though she is definitely a first. Many times I’ve based characters on people I know and they were thrilled. Using real people helps me to visualize and to make the characters “real.” As I was telling someone the other day, visualization is very important. If you can’t see or feel things within your story, your readers won’t either.

Some people have suggested that it may not be that she doesn’t like the story or the plot or how it’s written, but may actually fear that I may profit from it. Well, she hasn’t said anything either way other than to get her name and description out as well as the past, but I don’t think she worries about the potential for me to make money from it. First of all, life may not always be what we plan it, but I didn’t write the story with money in mind and as I’m sure she can see, the story isn’t that marketable. I may not be the worst writer, but I’m not the best. There are many authors that could’ve done a much better job with it. It’s also not a full-length novel because it’s under 100,000 words. But at nearly 62,000, it’s too much to be a short story.

Alison says it’s cute how I went out of my way to please her, LOL. Yeah, anyone else I’d tell them to fuck off and don’t ever tell me what to do, but as long as my “boss” doesn’t demand something over my head or totally off the wall, I don’t mind behaving and her keeping tabs on me, LOL. I write, she supervises. That seems to be the way it is, LOL.

Speaking of supervising, I had a reverse dream premonition, you could say. I dreamt she left a comment after she actually did. Just in case it wasn’t just a backward premonition, though, the first thing I did when I got up was to see if anything else came in from her, but nope. I doubt we’ll ever speak again. :( Then again, that’s what I said before about her contacting me in the first place.

Anyway, I had another dream of her that was a bit more X-rated and definitely a lot more fun. But I’ll get to it later since I can already hear the rat getting into trouble. I also have to run and get my ab crunches and push-ups out of the way.

Later…

I knew it! I just fucking knew it. It was coming up on 11:00 and I said to myself, “That damn pest of a landlord up the hill that can’t sit still and shut up for long is gonna be at his fucking engine gunning games any second.” I knew he was about due for it because we’re entering the rainy season when thankfully, he’ll only have so many days to make a racket, break my train of thought, and annoy the hell out of me. Sure enough, he fired up the bullshitter, then I heard him buzzing about on the ATV. He even went zipping by this place for some reason I can’t understand. He didn’t stop to get anything from his shit pile, so did he just want attention? To annoy me?

I’m going to have to start sleeping with the sound machines really cranked up when I’m on nights because I know he’ll be down here much more often. Or at least outside running the bullshitter.

On the bright side, those dogs sure have been a million times quieter. No more 8-hour barking sprees day after day, though we’ll get hit with it every Friday night that he continues to spend in Sacramento. I’m hoping he still won’t want to be here much in general as is usually the case, but if he’s out of work, there are only so many places he can go so often. But yeah, he doesn’t seem to want to be here much, and when he is he lives outside whenever he can running loud shit.

I’m blasting music now to drown him out and I’m not even answering the door if he comes to it. I’ve asked enough times to be called first.

We’re going to get rained on again in a couple of days so that should chase him indoors for a while. I’m totally jealous of Maliheh’s weather right now! It’s so cold here at just under 60º and she’s near 90º. No fair! How can that be a cold climate, I wonder, though my research clearly says it is. Not like MA or OR, but colder than here. It rarely snows here, but that’s not supposed to be the case where she is. I hope I’m not saying too much about her “life,” but she can let me know if talking about her weather/climate is a no-no she wants to reprimand me for or not, but I think it’s ok. :)

As if noisy landlords and cold weather weren’t bad enough, the rat jumped up on my lap waving his little arms. I could see he had something stuck to him. Sure enough, he managed to jump on the shelf where our stamps were and so he had postage stamps decorated all over him. :( Since when did having a rat get to be like having a two-year-old around? So I pry the stamps off he’s got stuck on him and he squeals at me. Well, he’s the one who was dumb enough to mess with them!

Tom said that he didn’t know if this was good or bad, but that they let a regular worker at work go, and a new temp failed to show up. As I said, it would help to know why the regular was let go in order to say if it was good or bad. He said he’s not sure, but thinks the guy was missing too much work. If that’s the case, then it’s a good thing. As long as they’re not downsizing! But from what he can tell the company does a lot of business and is really thriving well. They said 2-4 months when they hired him. Well, we’re just now past the 2-month marker so that’s good.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2010
Wow! My God, just wow. I finally heard from Maliheh! I copied the comment she left me on my blog, followed by my reply, “20 questions,” and random facts about myself which I posted yesterday. She left it while I was sleeping. I got it when I got up at midnight. At the end of all this stuff, I will do today’s regular entry.

She wrote: The facts from 19 years ago. I meet you at a bar called Pearl Street - that would have been a Wednesday night. I don’t remember who introduced us but if it was as you say we met thru a person that was in a signing club at Umass (not a class) . I talked to you for a few minutes. I danced like I did every Wednesday with my self or with others around me. If I had a drink it was only one.You kissed me on the cheek on your way out. You got my number from the phone book or somebody not me. You called me about a week later left a message “Dear John”. I never pranked you. The police confirmed that from the records the phone company provided, this was necessary before a wire tap could be put on my line. Lets put more facts out there. Your “little harmless phone pranks” including many calls at all hours of the night. Some nights hour after hour and because the police were recording them I had to wake up andanswer them. Unplugging the phone was not an option. We were gather evidence against you. Its important to note that this whole experience of your annoying calls took place on and off from 5-18-91 to 10-11-91 yes five months. Remember the guy staying with you from Arizona? The one that called him self Francois / Darrylsaid he had a black Camaro calling from a number in S Deerfield who said he was gonna come to my house and beat me up??Harmlessphone “pranks”after the police came to your place and questioned you about this you left a message on my answering machine saying “ a friend from Arizona was staying with you and he happened to get my numberand happened to call and threaten my life.” You called me even after your Attorney and the police advised you to leave me alone. Some facts about today. I have not contacted you as I was instructed not to but felt I had to this one time. My friends from Facebook did not contact you. You went down my list and friend requested them. They went to your Facebook account then to your Journal and found your entries.There you had written damaging untruths about me - in short you defamed my character. One example is you claimed in your journal I had been convicted of harassing phone calls, 1986 for theft and 1979 for possession of a controlled substance. I don’t have a criminal record. People that really know me know that. Note everyone that added you deleted you after I talked to them. Now to the most important point I need to make. I didn’t ask you to write a story with me and you in it. The story you wrote using my name and description in the past and present is without my permission. You can keep your story but you will need to make the following changes: remove my name, and anything pertaining to 19 years ago in Massachusetts between us, and any similarity to me past or present. Do not ever use my name in or for any book, short story,article, similar medium or any events pertaining to my life in the past, now, or in the future. You never had my permission to do so and you never will. You have written many times if you hear from me and I ask you to stop you will. I have not asked you to stop just make the changes I have listed. Now is your chance to prove your honesty and integrity to show the kind of person you really are.

My reply: I read your message several times so as to make sure I understand what you’re trying to say and that I have not missed anything. Before I reply, please note that while you are absolutely correct in a lot of it, you’re just plain wrong on some things. Just wrong. But please, please don’t think I’m trying to upset you in any way by disagreeing with some things you’ve said! That is NOT my intention. I do NOT want to fight, argue or offend you! But I simply can’t sit here and say I agree with things I absolutely don’t remember or that I recall as being different than what you’ve described. I understand, though, that 19 years is a long time. And it’s easy to get some things jumbled up over the passage of so much time. All I want is to say that I’m not trying to change your way of thinking, your feelings, your beliefs or anything like that. I’m not even asking for your forgiveness or your friendship at this point. Speaking of the friend request thing – do you even know it’s there? Just wondering if it’s showing up on your end with all the problems Facebook has.

First off, I sense a lot of anger and hatred pouring from your comment, and hey, that’s your right if you really do feel these things. You have every right to despise me, but I want you to know up front that there are only so many times I can apologize to you for my wrongdoings. In other words, I’m not going to try to win you over. I’m not going to work, fight or try for your approval, friendship or anything else from you as I am no longer sure we can be friends and move on if you’re still this angry at me. Again, it’s your right, but I’m even wondering if maybe I should cancel the friend invite I sent you as some people have suggested I should. I just don’t want to be “friends” with someone who hates me this much or at least appears to. But I don’t want to make the mistake of jumping the gun like I did before either. I guess for now I will wait and see if you have anything else to say to me. I just don’t want to bother with those that don’t want to bother with me. That doesn’t change the attraction part – I was attracted to you, I still am, and maybe I always will be. But I’m not about to try to get you to feel things you don’t feel is all I’m saying, even though, I still wouldn’t mind getting to know you and becoming friends if that were at all possible.

The first thing I should make clear to you is that I researched internet laws when I first started writing publicly in the summer of 2008. Technically I have a right to use real full names, first and last, and to say what I want as long as I am not writing for profit and the person cannot prove in a court of law that anything I said actually did indeed cause them emotional suffering or financial loss of any kind. You said it yourself, those that know you know the truth about you as wrong as I admit I was for saying the shit I said. But to anyone else, you were simply “Maliheh” and that could be any Maliheh anywhere in the world. I have made it a point not to use real last names in my journal.

Ok, now I’m going to respond to your message in as much of an orderly fashion as I can so as not to miss anything.

“I have not contacted you until now because I have been instructed not to do.”

But I told you a long time ago after sending you the “do NOT contact me again” message that I later realized it wasn’t you who had harassed me on Formspring or elsewhere. I thought it went without saying that you knew you could contact me from that point on. So if anyone instructed you not to since then it wasn’t me. Just to set the record straight from here on out, you can contact me anytime you want unless I tell you otherwise. I know how to use FB and Yahoo’s block feature, though I cannot block specific individuals from viewing my blog without setting it private and that’s not going to happen. I do sometimes make private entries or use the “whisper” feature these blogs come with that allows only myself or any friends I may choose to see certain things within public entries.

I sent you a message in regards to the last message someone left about what supposedly happened to you one night when you got up to answer one of my calls, asking if it was true or not, but again I heard absolutely nothing in response from you so I didn’t know what to think at times.

I admit it was totally wrong of me to accuse you of playing with me on Formspring like I did. If it hadn’t been for the timing I never would have suspected and automatically assumed like a jerk it was you. It started just two weeks after I first contacted you on FB.

I also admit I was wrong for the mean things I said to you and that I handled things very poorly when I thought you were harassing me.

You are correct – I did add your friends, but I swear one of them did contact me right as I friended them about some kind of joke they wanted to play on you, but I didn’t want to get involved. At this time I was saying to myself, “Hey, this is stupid. Quit being an ass, leave her alone, let the past stay in the past, and move on!” And you’re also correct in that they didn’t all unfriend me right away. I removed those who didn’t remove me when I decided I wanted to try to make amends with you. I considered apologizing to your friends but figured I would be the last person they’d want to hear from again, even if it was to say I’m sorry.

I did later write to tell you that some people were questioning whether or not it was really you contacting me and asked you to reply if it wasn’t you but you never did. And so when you didn’t reply, I still assumed at the time that it was you I was dealing with.

I also gave you the chance up front to ask me to either not post or to change things with the story, saying I would go ahead and post it as is if I didn’t hear from you. And again I didn’t, so I posted it as is. Why didn’t you tell me you didn’t want your first name in it when I first told you I was going to post it as is unless I heard anything from you? As I said, I’m not legally obligated to remove it and I have stated up front that not all the events in the story are true. However, as a courtesy to you, I have removed the story since changing the name would be way too much work as it would be to remove past references. I’m pretty sure I got it all. If there’s anything else you want removed, you can contact me with the entry title and I will think about it. I have considered your “gag order” request, too – or demand, I should say – and yes, I will refrain from mentioning you in my blog from now on, and if I do it will only be in a vague way, nothing bad, and maybe I’ll even give you a bogus first name. Meanwhile, if you dislike me that much and feel you are bothered by my journal or story, I think you should stop reading it. Unless I’m reading you wrong – and I apologize up front if I am – you were never attracted to me, you do not like me, you are not interested in anything about me or my life, and therefore I would understand if you chose to stop coming here. It may be for the best, but that’s up to you. I can’t control what you do and I wouldn’t want to if I could.

You must keep in mind that I can’t control other people’s actions either and that some people may still leave comments about you, even if half of them can’t seem to spell your name right. I thought about disabling the anonymous comment thing but decided against it. If someone says anything nasty or threatening about you, however, then you bet I’ll remove it. But don’t think for a minute I’m going to be held accountable for what others may do. Again, those who know you know the truth, and your last name is not printed here so I’m not sure why your first name in the story bothers you even though I have come to learn that you weren’t the one who asked me to write it.

So the bar was called Pearl Street, huh? For some reason, I thought it was North Star. So it was a club and not a class – sorry. Yeah, I was with a girl named Kim. She was an RN living next door (Elm St. in S. Dfld.), married to a Greenfield cop named Mark, but they’ve long since divorced. And yes, it was a Wednesday night.

As I later acknowledged after I got over my anger when I thought you were harassing me on Formspring and Ask, I know you don’t have a criminal record and I know you weren’t drunk. However, I SWEAR it was YOU who kissed me on the cheek. I remember it clearly! And we DID exchange numbers, though I don’t remember who suggested it. How else could I have gotten your number and why would I ask someone else for it and not you? Without knowing your last name, I wouldn’t have been able to simply look you up. Also, I wouldn’t have had the guts to kiss you or anyone even quickly on the cheek. I wasn’t so shy that I wouldn’t go up and talk to someone, but kissing someone on the cheek I’d just met, that just wasn’t me. Again, not to offend or piss you off; just telling you what I personally remember to be the case.

“You called me about a week later left a message “Dear John”.”

We spoke a few times before our final conversation which did take place about a week after we met, remember? We talked about various things like how you quit smoking, the guitar…

I’m sorry I really, really truly believed you were interested in me and that my message came off as a Dear John message. If you say you weren’t interested, then you weren’t. You would know, wouldn’t you? And if you say you didn’t prank me after I pranked you, then I’m going to take your word for it. I always believed that the guy that called me was connected either to the cops or the crisis center, but I thought the girl sounded like the one on your outgoing message at the time, but again, if it wasn’t you, then it wasn’t you and it doesn’t matter all these years later since it won’t change anything. I was just curious about it, but now you have told me and so now I know.

There’s no way the calls could’ve started in May and went on through October simply because we didn’t meet until June and I got caught in September. As soon as a detective called me on the phone to say I was being charged for calling you, it scared the shit out of me and I stopped immediately. So if you received calls before or after June - September, though I don’t remember the actual start/end dates - it was NOT from me.

Andy (Daryl) and Fran were not staying with me. We were using the 3-way feature. Fran turned out to be a complete wacko and I’m lucky he never harmed me in any way. I have not spoken to him in a million years. I am not only so very sorry that my calls kept you up at night, but that he threatened you. Andy and I were VERY much against threatening anyone, but that is something Fran would have done, and again, I’m very sorry he did that to you, though I was not aware of it until now.

“Some nights hour after hour and because the police were recording them I had to wake up andanswer them.”

But you didn’t answer some of them. Initially, you answered them, but then you stopped and your machine came on after a while. Not trying to play down what I did, make excuses or deny that it was no fun at all for you, but it seemed that once you realized the wires weren’t crossed and it was just pranks, you stopped answering and your machine came on.

The police never came to talk to me as my lawyer advised me not to talk to them under any circumstances, though they did call and ask to come over. I told them I had been ordered not to speak to them and hung up the phone.

“You have written many times if you hear from me and I ask you to stop you will.”

Yes, boss.

“Now is your chance to prove your honesty and integrity to show the kind of person you really are.”

I don’t have to “prove” anything to anyone, but I am being honest and upfront with you. I do want to get along even if you will never like me or want to be friends. I have no ill feelings towards you or the desire to make trouble for you. If this isn’t good enough for you, then I give up.

Again, and for the last time, I am very sorry for the lost sleep and the stress I caused you 19 years ago. I am sorry that Fran threatened you. I am sorry I falsely accused you of the Formspring thing. I am sorry I wrote some nasty things to you and about you. I am sorry I bothered your friends. I will not repeat any of these mistakes again, and if I have even the slightest doubt about anything ever again in the future, I will contact you and hope that you will reply and clear things up for me right away.

I have a lot to do today so if you need to contact me again and I don’t get back to you right away, I’m not ignoring you. I will tend to it first chance I get.

I realize you and I aren’t going to agree on everything that happened and that’s ok. Does it really matter – 19 years later – who kissed who? I think all that should really matter is that we have each gotten things off our chest (and I thank you very much for finally stepping forward and speaking your mind, whether I agree with everything you said or not) and that we don’t make trouble for each other in the future. From here on out I wish you the very best in life.

The 20 questions:

Were you really not interested in me?

Were you behind any of the prank calls I got?

Do you have any idea who may’ve been impersonating you?

What do you think of the story?

What made you move to where you currently live?

What have you done for work over the years, and what do you do now?

Are you single, and if not how long have you been with someone?

Are you happy in life?

Are you in good health?

What types of music do you like?

What are your favorite foods?

Do you believe in psychics?

Do you still have cats for pets or any other pets?

What are your hobbies?

Have you been with a lot of people, and do you usually prefer casual encounters or to be more serious?

Do you have an “ideal” type of woman? If so, what does she look like and what’s her personality like?

Do you have any phobias?

Did you ever think of me over the years despite the problems we had?

What went through your mind when I first contacted you? (other than oh shit! LOL)

What are your favorite travel destinations other than the moonlit path of my imagination?

And these were the random facts I posted yesterday about myself:

I prefer milk chocolate to dark chocolate.

I would have been a slut in my early 20s had not so many women found me too short and too feminine.

I will drink orange juice, but I can’t stand anything else with oranges, including the smell of oranges.

I’ve been in funny farms and jails before, but I swear I’ve had my act together since 1993!

I have not seen my immediate family since the 90s and I doubt I ever will again.

I love rats, mice and snakes, but spiders creep me out.

I refuse to eat anything salty, spicy or citrus.

I usually brush or straighten my hair out and I actually have spiral curls which I hate.

Although I’m small I could probably kick your ass if pissed enough.

I don’t worry what people think, they don’t do it very often anyway.

I dwell on the past and worry about the future a little more than I should.

I want to fly a plane. A BIG plane.

I can run a few miles, do 100 ab crunches and about a dozen push-ups and I’m almost 45.

I’m partially deaf but I can identify musical notes without reading music or seeing them played on an instrument.

I got fired from just about every job I ever had except for dancing, singing and writing. Even the one as an “adviser” on a site after someone asked what they should do about their cheating GF and I suggested wetting her pinky finger and sticking it in an electrical socket.

I hate temperatures below 80º.

My tummy hurts from having too much candy and not enough real food since I’ve been up today.

I’m not big on jewelry. All I wear is my wedding band and I haven’t worn earrings in years.

No Tom wouldn’t want to watch if I got together with another woman. Despite being very tolerant and open-minded, he would rather not hear about it.

I am pro-choice and believe everyone should be able to marry who they love.

I’m not skinny or fat but kind of muscular.

My hair is usually too long.

I’m fair-skinned and so I burn instead of tan.

A woman in uniform turns me on.

I still like Barbie, though I quit collecting her years ago.

I don’t mind rain, but I HATE snow.

For a while, I was a bit racist about a decade ago. These days, however, I have no discrimination. I hate everybody equally.

I wonder why so many people don’t know when to use there, their or they’re. Or the difference between to and too and your and you’re.

Whoa! I was just going to do this entry when I got this:

I got the Facebook mess..its me…I am not going to start this back and forth but I want you to know I think I was misunderstood.. its a Free country say what you feel about me, you and your friends I don’t care about that… just don’t use my name in or for any book, short story, article, similar medium or any events pertaining to my life in past now or in the future. no need to go to the extreme. I have a friend that told me if you did the story in word you can with one click change my name to another. im sure you can alter the story and still keep the story line in tack screenwriters do that all the time..Thank you for respecting my wishes .As far as the facts yea long time ago thats why I payed for the police report and was going mostly off of that . the real Maliheh

I replied with: Hey, good to hear from you again. :) Your friend is right - one click will change your name. I just thought it easier to delete all the posts here since I don’t have any way to one-click them here in the blog, so I just kicked it all off entirely. I do have it in Word and will go and make the changes there in case I ever re-post it here or anywhere else, or if you change your mind and want a copy of the final edit. Yeah, it was a long time ago, and sadly, cops are often like the media - lies, hypes and half-truths mixed in with whole truths. Regardless of the facts, the past is the past and I will use my best judgment as to what I say about you (like if you show up in my dreams like you sometimes do, LOL) and I will keep you out of Storyland. :) Have a good day!

NOTE: This was before she eventually dumped me and she basically forfeited her right to have her first name (I never use last names unless it’s a public figure) kept out of my blog.

Ok, now that I think I’m done hearing from her for the day, even though she’s been checking my blog every 15 minutes, LOL, I’ll discuss my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

There was certainly a lot less anger and hate radiating from her last message.

I was really surprised, alright! I was really beginning to think I’d never hear from her. But then when she didn’t kick the friend invite out (which is still pending), I didn’t know what to think. But why she chose to jump out at me in public instead of in private seems strange. Perhaps to defend herself to my followers?

And why deny she kissed me and that we exchanged numbers unless her memory’s just screwed up? To thwart off suspicions that she may’ve been interested in me?

Even if she came out and told me her life story, and I am still curious about her, I will not post anything she may tell me. Not even something as trivial as her favorite foods.

But the story’s a whole different ballgame. As she pointed out, I can change her name in one click, but the more I think about it, the more I think altering the story to omit any past references would be a bit of work because the storyline is based so much on the past. Yeah, it could be done (hey, I’m supposed to be a pro) and in a way that would keep the storyline intact, but I’m not sure it’s worth the effort. I will make that decision as I make the final edit. If I don’t remove the past then I just won’t post it anywhere. So if she ever does decide she wants a final copy, she’ll see a different name, but she may still see the past.

But why wait until the story is over to come out and say she wants out of it? No supposed gag order would’ve kept me from speaking up about a story I didn’t want to be in, or the prospect of someone impersonating me.

I wonder if she’ll ever accept the friend invite (if she sees it and it’s not a glitch on Facebook’s part) and if she’ll keep visiting my blog. Perhaps she’ll still be curious as to what’s being said about her. I hope she’ll still come around. :)

So she paid for the police report, huh? No wonder she listed so many dates and names, even if most of them are bullshit. I was beginning to think she either had an incredible memory or that she herself kept some kind of journal.

I don’t know why she came at me in public and not private. To defend herself to my followers perhaps?

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2010
Before bed I pulled two mugs out and put cream and sugar in one of them, planning to have soup in the empty one, then refrigerate the one with cream and sugar like I usually do before bed. That way I can just pull it out when I get up and brew my coffee right into it. But I wanted a cup of soup before bed, and what should I do but be dumb enough to dump the pouch of soup mix into my chocolate creamer. So I ended up with chocolate chicken soup! beats head

The most amazing thing going on (and the nicest): she’s still here. And I’m still pending. Hmm…interesting. Muy, muy interesante. This has left me more confused as to what could be on her mind. Or has it really? Well, I guess that if I’m not even sure if I’m more confused or not means that yeah, I must really be more confused, LOL.

Many people had asked and suggested she only came around for the story and I was always quick to agree and say something like, “Well, you don’t think she came around because she’s just dying to know when my hair reaches my waist, do ya?” But maybe she does want to know that yes, it’s finally there when you pull all the damn curls straight. And right now I’m sitting here with these lovely plum-colored little lint balls plastered all over me from our new towels. I don’t know why. I washed the damn things first.

The second most amazing thing is that it’s finally raining – really raining – since sometime late last May or early June. Ah, but I’ve been dreaming of Florida or somewhere in the southeast like crazy lately! I’d even settle for Georgia or Alabama! Even Andy’s going to be having better weather than us for a while. We shouldn’t be having highs in the 50s till December! It’s like global warming is warming the eastern part of the country, but making the west colder. :(

I got up to find a message in my Yahoo box that Nane left me on her Facebook wall saying, “I did. :)))” and I’m thinking, did what? Then I realized it was in response to my telling her a while back to enjoy her vacation. She’s back home now and I’m NOT sending another thing to her unless she either sends me something first or pays some kind of attention to me by at least peeking over her shoulder every now and then at this blog or something like that.

Yesterday we spent about $150 at Walmart on all kinds of odds and ends. I got a new body pillow and some sports bras. I stupidly got size 34 when I should’ve gotten 32, but at least my size 12 jeans that should be size 10, or even size 8, won’t be sliding down these hips anymore. I got a white belt with silver square studs. It’s shiny and flashy, but still casual and goes with everything.

Instead of expensive perfume as much as I miss my White Shoulders, I got a couple of those Designer Imposters I love. Wanna Play? is ok, but Babe is awesome! I’m wearing that right now. I’m obsessed with good smells. I have Babe perfume on, a Hawaiian-scented plug-in air freshener in here, and Jasmine incense burning in the other room. And of course I was quick to reach for my patchouli lotion after showering with my honey shampoo and peach body wash, LOL.

Later…

Nane’s been on Facebook for hours and ignoring me, and Maliheh made her first visit to my blog right around when I figured she would. :) If I don’t hear from her by the end of the year, then I guess I never will.

And Tom’s out grocery shopping while we get pummeled with an incredible amount of rain. It’s like December out there. :(

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2010
I’m so excited about finishing my book! It ended up at just under 62K words, so it’s not quite a full-length novel, but it’s not quite a short story either. I’m also looking forward to doing the final editing of it and moving on to my next book!

The editing shouldn’t take any longer than mid-November. I’ll try to do 1-2 chapters a day.

I’ve been rewarded for it with lots of nice feedback, 4 “outstanding” votes on my new poll, and my ovary acting up again. It was a nice long break I was enjoying from that mid-cycle pain, but yeah, I guess I’ve had some kind of a cyst on it for quite a while now. In a few days or less, it will go away.

I’ve heard nothing at all from Nane in days. No messages, no blog peek-a-boos, no nothing. But I know she’s not home yet either. She’ll be back in Germany tonight which will be around lunchtime here. Maybe I’ll hear from her after she gets settled.

Looking forward to our early morning shopping spree at Walmart. We agreed it would be ok to spend $50 a month on fun stuff and still be able to save a few hundred a month while we’re at it. We could use some new bath towels and other stuff around the place, so I made a little list of some things to check out. Of course being the perfume junkie that I am means a stop in the smelly section, LOL.

My jeans were falling off (I’ve got to get a new belt) and I took them off, looked at the tag, and it’s no wonder! It’s a size 12. What was my mom thinking when she sent them?

Maliheh made another late-night check of my blog last night and tonight, and was in right around when I expected her to be in this morning for the last chapter. I half-expected her to run and dump the friend invite after she read it, but nope. It’s still there. So that leaves me thinking of 4 possibilities. 1. She dumps it after I email her the final copy. 2. She accepts it at some point. 3. She leaves it pending forever to play with me. 4. She’s waiting for my birthday to accept it.

I once mentioned almost being her birthday present since I re-entered her life the day after it, though I didn’t know it at the time. Then I added that I hoped she’d be my birthday present in return.

I’m a little surprised she’s still coming around as much, but just a little. I figured she’d be curious to check out the comments on the last chapter.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2010
So what is it with all the afro cocks wanting to friend me on MyOpera??? I’m kind of getting sick of all the friend collectors out there.

Maliheh must be getting really anxious about the end of the story, as well as the comments because she not only returned 15 minutes after she first came in early yesterday morning once she realized I was on at the time replying to “comments,” but she was also in as late as midnight last night her time. Wonder how early she’ll be in today? I just know I’m gonna miss her coming around when the story’s done!

Someone told me that they read my last book, Digital Confessions, and were so freaked out by it that they couldn’t read any more of my stories. I’ve got to admit that one was both amusing and flattering. As a suspense writer, I better scare the shit out of you at least a little bit or else I’ve failed to do my job properly, LOL.

I’d love to finish my book now but I’m exhausted, and if I try to work when I’m tired I know I’ll screw up. I caught a missing quote in my last chapter and so I added it in where it was supposed to be. Hopefully, it will be done within 1-3 more days. I’m going to try to finish it in one more chapter, but it may take two. Not sure if I’m going to do an epilogue yet. The book has no prologue as of yet, but a prologue is not needed for an epilogue. We’ll just see how things go later on tonight before I decide on what to do.

It’s getting exciting moving to the end of the end! It’s just about time to tie those loose ends up and bring everything together to give it the final touches of a finished novel! Or hope to anyway, LOL. Either way, I’m looking way forward to it! reaches for those last few strings In 12 hours or so I will hopefully be tying it all up! Yay!!! Oh, and be prepared to vote, I told them, on MyOpera when it’s done. I’m going to add a poll asking what they thought of the story. :)

Been loving the quiet mornings that come with Jesse not working. I know we’ve got another week or two before it’s that time of year when the dogs bark like crazy, and that Jesse’s still not going to want to be here much when he goes on disability, but at least he won’t be leaving at 5am when the dogs would be at their worst until 8:00 or 9:00. The later he leaves, the less barking they do.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2010
Apparently, my German is still pretty bad because I thought Nane was to be in Turkey for just 4 days and that her flight home was canceled. But she was actually talking about a balloon ride being canceled due to rain that she was to go on in Turkey. Goes to show how much I’ve been neglecting my German studies lately since I still prefer to stick with my Spanish and Italian. German’s just so ugly!

Anyway, Nane just responded to my wall post saying that I didn’t know what country she was in right now, but that I hope she’s ok wherever she is. She said she was still in Turkey and was fine and that her vacation was for two weeks, and I’m thinking to myself – two weeks?! That’s what she calls a “small round trip?”

I signed off by telling her to enjoy the rest of her vacation and she said, “Thanks, I’ll try.”

Does this mean she hasn’t been having a good time? Either way, she’ll be back Saturday night, she said.

I was watching this video about The Diet Solution and how they say that what you eat matters more with weight loss than how many calories you have. I always believed it was all in the calories, and that exercise doesn’t cause weight loss, but it helps. I’m always open to trying new things and I could still stand to lose 10-15 more pounds. It explained why certain foods are better for your metabolism and all that and so I’m slowly “unprocessing” myself and trying to lay off those processed foods. Even the diet bars are said to be bad. I guess the more harmful chemicals we eat, the harder our liver has to work and therefore it doesn’t do as good of a job with making the good foods benefit us like they’re supposed to.

I’m just glad Tom makes a lot of money so I don’t have to worry about getting more expensive food since it’s usually the cheap stuff that’s bad for you.

I had an avocado for the first time in my life last night and they sure are good. At least I don’t think I ever had raw avocados before. I looked up the calories online and when I saw that there are 320 calories in the things I knew it had to be at least somewhat good and filling and it was. Not sweet, but a unique and distinct taste with a very smooth and creamy texture.

It’s only been two days since changing my eating habits, and even though I doubt I could ever bring myself to give up my fake sugar and gourmet coffee creamers, I’ve already lost a couple of pounds. I’m trying to stick to unprocessed foods and more foods with just one ingredient. I’m going to avoid packaged snacks, diet bars, and frozen meals more often. And bread too, because it raises your insulin level which makes sugar.

Ever since I said “at least Maliheh thinks of me every day and pays at least some attention to me,” she seems to have come around less. Her last hit was earlier than usual yesterday. Is she trying to show me that no, she doesn’t care?

Later…

Well, if Maliheh wanted to show she didn’t care, it was only for yesterday. Today she “cared” 7 hours later than yesterday. The only significant change that’s been going on for more than just a day or two is that she makes her last hit in the early evenings instead of late at night. But her first hit is usually mid-morning as always.

As Tom and I were discussing the other night, we’re adventurers. It’s the way we’ve always been and probably the way we always will be. In other words, we don’t usually stay in one place for long. And despite the fact that each move got more and more disastrous for us, my adventurous side is fighting with my logical side. My logical side is saying to stay put. It’s safer and easier this way. But my adventurous side wants to up and run to someplace new that she’s never lived in before. I’m thinking more and more southeast these days. But we’re not going to be stupid either like we were in the past and throw away a lot of money. Money may not be everything but it’s still a necessity, so if he’s still making good money when it comes time to buy a place, I’m not going to want to move.

I’ve moved in Storyland from the beginning of the end to the middle of the end, and hopefully I’ll be able to wrap things up in 2-3 more chapters. I’m just not going to reach the end of the end and begin tying up loose ends to put it all together before the end of the week. It’s getting close, though – yay! It’s exciting to finish this project and move on to new ones. :)

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2010
I’ve been so busy doing other things that I almost didn’t make an entry today.

There’s really not much to update on. Nane made a quick update on her wall and I guess she’s home, but I haven’t heard from her and so I haven’t contacted her. Like I said, at least Maliheh thinks of me every day and pays at least some attention to me even if she ignores my messages, LOL.

We moved the rat into the big cage that is about 3’ tall, 3’ wide, and 2’ deep, but he escaped. He’s not quite full-grown yet. Ah, but then I made some adjustments and now I think I’ve got it pretty escape-proof, but we’ll see. He’ll come to visit me in here if he breaks loose.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2010
This is going to be a long entry, so if you’re bored by power outages, cute but naughty rats, and the idea of me missing my German cyber GF I’m beginning to suspect I’ll never hear from again, this entry will probably bore the hell out of you. :)

After having both good and bad dreams where Maliheh and I would be happily chatting when she wasn’t telling me how much she hated me, I awoke at 10:30 to the sound of the fan winding down and everything suddenly becoming deadly quiet save for the distant freeway traffic. I knew right away the power went out but wasn’t worried since it’s usually back on in an hour or two.

I couldn’t call anyone since my phone only works with the computer, so as Tom later said, this was our wake-up call saying we should get me a cell phone.

Around noon I went up the hill to see if Jesse was around, but of course he wasn’t. By 2:00 I decided to leave a note in the box on the tree at the fork letting him know that the power had been out for nearly 4 hours, but then I spotted his truck up at his place. So I walked on up and called out to him. The dogs only gave a quick bark or two, then quickly recognized me and wagged their tails happily.

“Yeah, come on up,” I heard Jesse call out, but then he came down a flight of stairs at the side of the house. I could tell he was drunk too, and that getting him to take some action as to finding out what was going on was going to take a little work on my part, LOL.

He asked what was going on and I told him that’s what I came to ask him since my phone was worthless without a computer.

During the half-hour or so I was up there with him, he told me 5 times that he just got in, he asked me 5 times how long the power had been out, and he told me 5 times that his dogs were married and that they’d had 10 kids together. rolls eyes

We were sitting in this little breezeway between his garage and a cement wall built to prevent mudslides. There are decks on both sides of the house, and I guess the actual living space is upstairs over the garage. The house itself is old and ugly looking, but the grounds weren’t as trashy as I thought they’d be. He even has some nice plants up there, some with flowers.

So he got himself a beer and me some water, then said he’d just come back from the bar and heard about some power outage around here, and that they were building a bridge nearby and they might’ve hit something while they were at it.

I suggested he call the electric company and see what they had to say about it, and he said he was “pretty sure” he paid the bill.

You better have fucking paid it! I’m thinking to myself. I wasn’t about to be put out by his drunken laziness or irresponsibility!

So being as drunk as he is, which I would say wasn’t overly drunk, but still obvious enough that he’d had a few, he said he wasn’t sure how to go about contacting the electric company, and could I do it? Resisting the urge to sigh, roll my eyes, and basically beat my head into the wall (and his too), I told him no, I couldn’t because it was in his name. So I told him to go see if he had a copy of his bill because there would be a phone number on it to call. So he ran up what seemed like two flights of stairs. One set was facing the driveway. He then went up a smaller flight of stairs heading away from our place and seemed to go around a deck and into a door heading towards our place.

When he returned with the bill I followed him towards the back where he has a small, but very private, peaceful and lovely little yard. There was a table and chairs as well as a swing hanging from 3 wooden utility poles. The lawnmower I swore I could hear at times wasn’t my imagination either. This area was grassy and I could see he kept it mowed.

He asked if I minded if he let the dogs loose, and of course I didn’t. I could clearly see, though, that if he really wanted to and if he really gave a damn about the peace of others, he could move the dogs into the breezeway area where they wouldn’t be so damn loud down here like they are in the winters. Or so loud further up the hill to whoever’s behind him. More than likely he has them in front to ward off any potential burglars, not that they wouldn’t find a way to get by them if they really wanted to. The poor dogs also only have one small doghouse that barely looks big enough for one of them let alone both of them. The dogs love their freedom as much as the rat loves his. They rolled around in the grass, played with each other, and demanded attention from us.

So anyway, we’re in the yard sitting in the blessed shade. He has even more privacy than we do because of the density of the trees and the steep hill alongside the place. He has no cement wall against the part of the hill in back which is like a vertical wall it’s so steep. I’d hate to be standing there if there ever was a landslide of any kind! You can see tree roots sticking out of the dirt. He doesn’t have as much open space as we do, though, since his place is bigger and the tree line curves inward in back. The only open space is in his driveway, so down here is definitely better for running.

It took him 4 tries to dial the damn 800 number on his cell, saying his fingers are too big for the thing. In a gruff voice, he asks what’s going on, gives his info and that sort of thing. “You people need to get your shit together,” he growls at one point, and I’m frantically shaking my head and mouthing the word “no,” till I realize they put him on hold and no one heard him.

I asked if he was gone on Friday nights and he confirmed that he was. He said he went to Sacramento (though he didn’t say where and with whom) and didn’t come back till early Saturday morning, and how’d I know? The dogs let me know, I told him.

He also said something about going on disability soon due to a bad back. Hmm…not sure if I like that idea. That’d mean less barking, but more of him. The barking is at least a little easier to drown out than his damn motorcycles and other engine gunning he does, even though it lasts longer. I like the idea of him being around more to deal with any potential problems, but it also gives him more time to be a pest.

“Not if his back’s bad,” Tom said, and so I hope it’s bad enough to keep him from being too big of a pest while we’re still here, as selfish as that may sound, LOL.

First he was told by the electric co. that everything was ok and then we headed down to his electrical box. He said the breakers looked ok and that someone would be out to check things out, and I walked back down here.

A few minutes later he came down on the ATV to say that he talked to someone else who confirmed that yes, there was a power outage in the area, it wasn’t just us, and it could be as late as 7:00 before the power was restored. Then he zoomed off, beer in hand and no doubt driving drunk to Sacramento this evening. Hope he doesn’t get killed. Again, I hate to sound selfish, but if he goes, we gotta go. And we ain’t quite ready to go just yet. Not with him working as just a temp.

This is why I like Tom’s idea of getting a travel trailer as a backup if God forbid our often shit luck ever faced us with homelessness that lasted more than the 36 hours we got of it in 2007. We still want a backup vehicle, too.

So after Jesse zoomed off with his beer and the dogs chasing after him, it was 90º both inside and outside. The heat and lack of breeze reminded me of that horribly uncomfortable night in Quartzite, AZ when we left Maricopa on our rough journey up to timber country. I decided to wait outside till Tom got back because I at least had somewhat of a breeze outdoors. Indoors the air was hardly moving at all.

Tom got in with the much-appreciated and much-deserved burgers and fries we’d been depriving ourselves of and looking so forward to, and we ate while I filled him in. By now it was 4:00 and we were contemplating grabbing the laptop and heading out in search of a hot spot to see if there was any news about the outage when the power finally came back on. I practically shouted for joy!

I showered and did the dishes, but held off on the laundry, knowing the well is going to need 8-12 hours of recovery time.

What is it with me and my giving a damn about people that don’t seem to give a damn about me? Do I subconsciously like the challenge or something? Is the chase really that much more fun than the capture? I don’t know how to figure myself out anymore. sighs Maybe I should try to be as unforgiving as I was for so long and quit caring about those who don’t care about me. I don’t hound them and stalk them like Molly does and try to force them to accept me or anything like that. In fact, I pretty much expect not to get very much from them if anything at all. But oh how I hope! It’s that hope I’d really like to kill. Yet here I am hoping Maliheh will one day contact me even if we don’t remain in touch and she just wants to tell me how much she hates me or something like that when my attitude towards her should be: fuck it. Just fuck it!

Do crushes do this to everyone???

I don’t know what country Nane’s in right now, but there were no updates at all on her Facebook page today. Even if I don’t hear from her again, I hope she’s ok. That one I do think I’ll hear from, though. Just not as much as I’d like to.

I keep thinking of the dream I had where I was in the blueberry patch with Maliheh and she was pointing out how Nane almost never comes to my blog when she was telling me I should focus more on those who care about me. She was right, of course. Nane hardly comes to my blog, and all her messages were replies to messages I sent her. I know I should take the advice she gave me in that dream, but if she herself truly doesn’t care, why would she come to my blog and not reject the friend invite? Hmm…life and its many mysteries!

Moving onto simpler things that make at least some sense, I said hi on Tammy’s wall and that things were better for us, and hoped they were good for her and hers.

“What a beautiful letter from you!” she wrote back, saying that she’s glad we’re doing better as she knows we had a hard time. She added that she and Mark are doing well. Lisa’s living with her longtime boyfriend, and Becky’s living with them and dealing with rheumatoid arthritis. They converted their basement into an apartment for her. She’s also getting a degree in business and is a front-end grocery store manager or supervisor. Sarah’s a licensed cosmetologist who owns her own business, but as I know full well, “owning” that business is really renting a space in a salon.

I still can’t say I give a damn about them. I don’t. I do remember some of the good times Tammy and I shared, but my interest in them doesn’t really go beyond just wanting to keep the peace going between us and hopefully not screwed out of anything Mom and Dad may want Tom and I to have after they’re gone.

Today was Mary’s 33rd birthday. I haven’t heard from her in nearly a year, but I hope she’s doing well and that she really does get out of prison next summer. And stays away from the bad boys and any thoughts of getting knocked up.

I love my little ratty, but oh the trouble he gets into! He came into the bedroom, wiggled his butt into the corner, stuck his tail up, and peed. shakes head and sighs And I thought this rat, like most rats, was keeping it all to himself in his cage. He also runs, jumps and climbs like no other rat we’ve ever had before. He leaps on and off the couch and bed like it’s nothing. The little devil also chewed a hole in my shorts.

As for meeting my October 20th story deadline – yeah, right. Keep dreaming! I still don’t think it’ll be much longer than a week or two, but we’ll see. I may or may not work on it throughout the weekend. I have other things I’ll be doing so I just don’t know yet. I want to hurry up and get it finished, but don’t want to rush it either.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2010
I guess shit must be shit in German as well based on all the “shits” rained on Nane’s Facebook wall due to her flight being canceled. So I guess she isn’t back yet after all. I just hope she contacts me on her own when she does get back. I won’t kick her off my friend list if she doesn’t, but she won’t be hearing from me if I don’t hear from her.

I had a dream that included Nane last night. Something about Facebook. I just don’t know if we were messaging each other, chatting live, writing on each other’s walls or what.

Tammy checked out my blog today, and of course Maliheh’s still at it several times a day till the story ends. I hope to have it finished in a week or so. My only other regulars besides Aly and Kim are that OSU person and a MyOpera MOD.

I wrote on Tammy’s wall earlier, letting her know that I may be out of sight, but she’s not out of mind, and I wished her well.

Tom got a blood pressure monitor and he has high blood pressure, something that goes with being overweight. What pisses me off is knowing he probably needs medication he can’t have. I just hope he continues losing weight, but it’s a slow process even if he does.

Got a few minutes of engine gunning from Jesse, but Tom said it might not have been him because some truck he’d never seen before was leaving as he was coming down the drive.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2010
Well, I’ve learned enough German now to tell by some of Nane’s wall discussions that yes, she’s alone in Turkey and for 4 days, so she’s probably back in Germany by now.

Someone was also asking her about men and from what I gathered, she said there were some hanging around that she’s not interested in. Still don’t know exactly what her orientation is, but the comment on my racy pic and the belly dancer at her birthday party suggests she’s at least bi.

I just wonder if she ever really will contact me on her own because I’m no longer going to be the one making the first move from here on out. That much I do know!

In other news, the cooler’s been running great. I’ve been alternating between ‘cool’ and ‘fan’. Couple more days and I’ll be bitching about the cold.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2010
Caught a boo-boo in the last chapter that I corrected. The detectives were saying Maliheh and Joni had a run-in 20 years ago. But I jumped the story 5 years into the future, so I had to make that run-in 25 years ago – duh! Makes me wonder what other stupid mistakes I’ve thrown in along the way. Hopefully, if my readers don’t catch them, I’ll catch them on my own when it comes time to do the final editing.

Man, I really felt like an idiot when I read the very first message I sent Maliheh on Facebook, and yes, for some reason I have saved all 12 of the messages I’ve sent in the last half a year to her, all unanswered of course. What an ass I was for exaggerating things out of anger like I did! I know it’s pointless to keep going over what can’t be undone, but she wasn’t “drunk,” and our “kissing” was just the quick friendly peck on the cheek she gave me on the way out.

I have been thinking of something a follower believes really happened that night. Did it? Is it really possible? Did I fall in love with her and not even realize it? Or was I that freaked out over it if I did know it deep down that that, along with other things I had going on at the time, caused me to behave the way I did? I suppose anything is possible but I don’t think I’ll ever know for sure just what happened. I’m not even sure what I’m feeling right now. But I must be feeling something because the thought of finishing the story makes me just as sad as it is exciting, for soon there will be nothing to smile about when I’m able to get into my stats. To me, as funny as it may sound, it was my only “connection” to her. Because she hasn’t spoken to me despite my apologies and keeping my word about behaving from now on, I have taken it to mean I’m still hated and haven’t been forgiven unless she’s waiting to see how the story ends. I assumed the only reason she came to my blog was out of curiosity where the story was concerned.

I don’t understand the pending friend invite, I don’t understand some of the things she said and did 20 years ago (almost 20), and I don’t understand what it is about her that captivates me so, but I’m going to miss her presence as silent as it’s been. And it has been much too silent indeed. Many times I’ve wished for her to say something, even if it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. It goes to show I’m not influencing her simply by what I desire her to do. Those who know me as an influencer have suggested I “pulled” both her and Nane towards me simply through force of mind. But Maliheh’s never spoken to me, and I hardly hear from Nane.

It turned out that the cooler wasn’t really broken, but that the water was just turned off to it. I wanted to strangle Tom at first before I knew that he deliberately turned it off because he was afraid that the foul smell we were smelling the other day was the pump burning up. But because it was hot out today and the temperature was steadily rising in here and the thing sounded funny, I called Jesse. Then I hung up when he didn’t answer.

A while later he called me and asked who I was. I told him, and also that I thought something was wrong with the cooler. He wasn’t home at the time but said he’d be here in an hour.

He first went up on the roof, opened the thing up, and said no water was coming up to it. Then he checked and found that the water was turned off, saying he hoped we didn’t burn his pump up, they cost 30 or 40 dollars, but he could understand people are forgetful at times, they do burn up eventually, and his just recently burned up. I told him I’d strangle Tom for it and he said not to worry about it.

He also asked for a nail for something I didn’t understand, and I climbed the ladder I’m supposedly too afraid to climb, and handed it to him. I think it had to do with one of the hoses binding. That may explain the strange swooshing sounds I was hearing too, like air bubbles or the hose being pinched. He also hosed it down to get the pads saturated faster and noticed the water leaking between the trailer and deck roofs. He mentioned doing the trailer roof next year. I thought that was to be before this winter, but I guess not.

He’s also full-blooded Portuguese, though he doesn’t look it. Especially with such light eyes. When he was pointing out that we don’t remember things as well when we get older, I said “I know. Trying to learn and remember so many languages is tough at times.” He asked what I knew, and said he doesn’t speak Portuguese, but his parents do.

Anyway, the cooler was up and running just fine in the end. No funny sounds or smells. Hopefully, it will stay that way at least for a couple more days till it cools down.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2010
So I’m in the kitchen when all of a sudden music starts blasting like crazy. I then run into the bedroom to shut Kid Cudi up and found that the rat had jumped on the laptop that’s hooked up to my stereo.

Then I go out into the living room and it’s raining! Yeah, he got onto the table where the sound machine is and turned that on too, the little devil, LOL. Other than getting stranded on top of the laundry hamper, trying to climb the blinds, knocking over pails, and running off with small objects like my flavored lip gloss, he’s doing better than we are.

First I woke up with period cramps an hour earlier than I would have liked. Then Tom ended up wasting time, gas and $15 on a new control box for the cooler, even though he loves Fry’s Electronics and had fun browsing through the store. We noticed yesterday it was smelling funny. Not like something was burning, but it was sort of a chemical smell. We figured the control box he put in the old piece of shit which we use to create a thermostat for using a computer program he wrote had burned up.

Then the poor guy wastes more time by installing the new controller just to find it was too big for the electrical box it needed to be in. So we put the cooler on and operated it manually. A few minutes later the smell returned. It went away when we switched it from ‘cool’ to ‘fan’ then came back when we switched back to ‘cool’ and so that’s when we knew it was the pump. When it’s on ‘cool’ it comes and it goes. Fortunately, we should only need it for cooling for just a few more days, and fortunately my schedule’s where it’s at right now so I can operate it manually.

I’m so sick of living in little old bummy places – argh! Are we really that less deserving in life?! In fact, I’m so fed up with all the problems this place has had that I’ve been thinking of moving. It may be worth a little snow, as much as I hate the shit, to get a halfway decent place that functions properly. So many things in here don’t work, but it’s not worth being put out even more by having Jesse fix some of the things that don’t work. We can live without the broken heater because we have alternatives that will actually save us money, but if we’re still here in the spring and the cooler still smells funny, we’ll have to deal with him dealing with it.

Everything has had a problem in here so far but the kitchen appliances and bathroom sink. The well, the kitchen sink, the faucet in the tub, the heater, the cooler, and the pressure tank have all been a problem.

I’m also sick of Jesse coming down without calling, even if he didn’t wake me up this morning when he rudely came down at 7:30 to get something from his shit pile, and I’m sick of him spending Friday nights elsewhere and leaving me to have to deal with his damn dogs when I’m up during those hours. I can’t do anything that requires a quiet background, and it’s going to be bad enough when the weather turns cold.

I know it’d be just as noisy if we moved, but like I said, if we can have a real house with a normal heating and cooling system and things that work as they should, it may be worth it. But we don’t want to decide this until and if he’s ever hired on somewhere permanently.

Although Tom said it was about a mile away, last night we heard a single gunshot after dark that was super loud. Someone was probably shooting at something that was threatening their livestock more than they were trying to get attention. But it serves as a reminder that going off the grid may be a very bad idea if we ever do get to buy our own place. If they’re shooting this much in an area that’s still technically within city limits and where you’re not supposed to, I can just imagine how bad it’d be in the more extreme rural locations.

I’m following Andy’s “famous” Fire Flies band on Twitter in which he’s the lead singer. He’s been in Honduras!

Nane posted 30 photos of her trip around Turkey. Some were nice, but it was too bad she wasn’t in any of them.

Maybe sometime tonight I can finally work on chapter 20, though it may be a day or two before anything else is posted.

Here goes my end-of-the-day heart palpitations. :( How annoying. At least I’m still psyching those scratch tickets into winning – woot!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2010
Swapped some messages with Andy. He’s still playing his imaginary band game, the Fire Flies, all these years later on Twitter, LOL.

He said Donna now lives in Indiana with her husband and two sons, and that she lost a lot of weight through surgery. But as great of a singer as she is, her closest break was one hit song on the radio, then on American Idol where she got starstruck in front of Naomi Judd and was unable to perform. Then they axed her.

Maliheh brought a friend with her to my blog from Facebook, probably because the last part was rather steamy. I think they’re connected anyway since they were within minutes apart and the person is in Kansas.

Nane, not surprisingly, has internet access where she is because her friend count went up to 41.

Other than looking forward to chatting with Nane when she gets back if it really happens, I’m going to work on finishing my book so I can get onto the next one.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2010
Yesterday was an absolutely shitty day for me. I spent so much of it in pain it’s a miracle I got anything done around here. I had to pop pain pills like crazy and was so close to taking a hammer to these fucking teeth which are dying like crazy. Tom said the horrible achiness was due to a tooth dying and that it would stop in an instant soon enough. I just laughed because I never felt such horrible pain with the others who died, but it’s true. After a day and a half of it giving me hell, I woke up today pain-free at least from that tooth. Others, along with my ear, are still bothering me. My ear is getting better, though, as we’ve been oiling it and softening the dead skin that can’t fucking shed itself out.

I’m so fucking sick of always having some kind of problem! Had anyone come down here yesterday and just looked at me wrong, I’d have trashed the hell out of them. If I hadn’t been so exhausted by the time Jesse took off for the night I’d have had to really restrain myself from strangling his fucking dogs, too. I wanted to do my language studies but it was just way too noisy.

I also had heart palpitations like crazy.

I just don’t know what to do as far as a dentist goes! I want to go now, but what if he gets laid off? And of course if we paid for it, then we got insured, I’d be so fucking pissed to have spent all the money it’d cost for the dentures I need. I just don’t know what to do!

The only fun highlight of the day yesterday was the rat. He is everywhere these days! He’s the best climber we’ve ever had, so I really have to watch him. He got himself stuck on top of the laundry hamper. Then he was walking along Tom’s keyboard shelf when he got up to get something from the kitchen, LOL. He even tries to climb the blinds, but he’s too heavy for that now.

I don’t know if I can stay out of pain long enough, but if I can I might finish chapter 18. No promises, though. What’s really exciting is that I can now see the beginning of the end of this book! I’m about to set the stage for the exciting conclusion. I should be able to get it done in 2-3 more chapters! Good. Then I can finally move on to other projects. :) Nane’s going to be in my next book. It could take up to a month to do the final editing of Evil Amongst the Evergreens.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2010
If I didn’t know any better I’d swear I jinxed myself by describing all that ear pain like I did in my story! Ugh! But I do know that when stupid me neglects to keep up with things, she ends up sorry for it. An artificial ear canal can’t clean itself so we have to do it ourselves. Tom puts baby oil in it every 6 months or so to soften the dead skin, then he removes it. It’s easy to do in a fake canal cuz fakes don’t have curvy canals like normal canals do. They just drill straight in when they make them.

I woke up at 2am in pain after 4 or 5 hours of sleep. The entire left side of my face hurt. Even my teeth were hurting, but it didn’t feel like the usual toothache. Instead, my lower left jaw was hurting. I don’t know if it’s connected to my ear or not.

Fell back asleep until 7am, then about an hour later the pain returned. After taking what amounted to nearly half a bottle of pain pills, I dumped some oil in my ear myself. That seemed to help a lot. I just wonder if it’ll start back up all over again when the pain pills I’m stuffed with wear off. Right now I’m at least relatively pain-free, just groggy. I don’t know when I’ll get back to my story, but chapter 18 has been started.

Chances are I may not be insured for years, so I’m going to have to start bringing some of these teeth up on my own. I loosened a few on the right side that were easy to grip, but ironically enough they don’t hurt.

I dreamt of a power failure and rowing a paddleboat through a grassy lake.

The pain is starting to creep back in as I write this. Why won’t the bastard above quit letting these things pick on me?!?!

Nane is on her Turk trip now. I guess she left today and not tomorrow. I hope she has fun. I’ll be looking forward to chatting with her when she gets done Turk tripping. :)

I started sending my MyOpera entries to Twitter again but not to Facebook. IDK, I guess I’m paranoid about flooding the news feed, even though some people post way more often than the 1-3 times a day I post entries. Maybe after the story’s done I’ll send them there again because then I won’t be posting as much.

Just 17 more Esperanto lessons to go and I’ll have completed all 4 courses. Looks like I’m going to pass with a 97% average!

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2010
I’m watching to see if Nane appears on Facebook, but so far I’ve been completely ignored by her. Yet she manages to review submissions on LM, proving that she’s not that busy. I guess it’s just a matter of priority to her, and at the risk of sounding like Marie, I’m just not that important.

Why oh why am I always longing for those I can’t have??? Yet I can have all the Marie Ds I want, can’t I?

Maliheh didn’t hit me at 7pm like I asked her to as a sign saying she liked me or at least didn’t hate me. Her last hit was at 4:38. Her last hits are usually between 5pm - 11pm with her first hits being around 6:30 am-9:30 am. She’s even starting to come around less often, though I can’t say it’s because of me.

Now that it’s been confirmed that she’s still harboring hate and anger toward me, it’s all the more reason to proceed cautiously where she’s concerned. Just like with Stacey, she’s not over the past, she’s never going to be, and she can’t move on. Therefore, I’m just going to finish the story, email the final copy to her as I said I would, then get on with life at which time I suspect she’ll stop coming to my blog altogether. I’d say she’s definitely coming around now only with hopes of screwing me over and not just because she’s curious as to what I’m writing about her. But to the absolute best of my knowledge, there’s nothing she can screw me with.

As is usually the case, Jesse came down without calling first to get some plywood from his shit pile. I don’t think anything he did would’ve woken me up, though, and he never came to the door. I stepped out and said hello to him and the dogs, and gave him the trash, too.

When he started hammering up at his place, I took that as a sign that I should crank up the tunes and get the dusting done I’ve been putting off.

Late yesterday afternoon the freeloaders – or whoever they really are – got trigger-happy again. I hope someone who knows exactly where they are called the cops or else they’ll think it’s ok and will go back to the regular shoot-outs.

Later…

I finally heard from Nane! All she said was mine was the longest message she ever received on Facebook (though she did add some smileys), she’s packing and doing laundry and doesn’t have a lot of time, but we can chat when she gets back, ok? And thanks a lot for the compliment, she added with more smileys.

She didn’t “hug” me back, and I didn’t sense the same enthusiasm on her part, but it was nice to hear from her. The only thing that sucks is that I only heard from her because I sent a message first. Unless things change when she returns – and I doubt it – I see a one-sided relationship here that could get very old faster than even I probably realize. She still makes for great eye candy and fantasies and will star in my next book!

Also, now that I know she’s in a city called Bayern, I don’t think it was her who hit my blog the day she friended me. It’s possible, but I doubt it because the hit was in northwestern Germany where Denmark is. But Bayern is in southeastern Germany towards Austria.

Anyway, I’m going to let her be the one to make the next move.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2010
My hair is 6” longer than it looks when you pull it straight. I get so sick of it being so thick and curly at times, but the flat iron really fries it so I guess I should lay off it for a while.

Another day of wishing for contact with those who aren’t obligated to me in any way, yet who are always in my thoughts just the same. Nane seems to have disappeared altogether, and I don’t know what to make of Maliheh. In a way, I feel more connected to her than I ever did to Nane, even though Nane and I have communicated with each other. Maliheh pays consistent attention to me and is always there, silent or not. Ok, so she may not literally be paying attention to me so much as to what’s written about her, but at the same time I’ve been ignored, I haven’t really. And so while it may not be the same as a message or a phone call, it’s almost like she’s letting me know she’s right here with me, even if that’s not exactly the message she’s trying to convey.

The rat appeared to be sick earlier but is fine now. I guess he was just tired. I was really worried too, as only the good die young, so it seems. The “benign bastard,” a rat who wasn’t much fun, lived to be pretty ancient for a rat. Babies die of cancer but look at Charles Manson. He’s quite a healthy old man. A couple of months and I’ll be reminded that I ain’t so young myself. Ah, I just might be a big enough asshole, after all, to qualify for living a full life. :)

I recorded myself singing earlier and thought I sounded like shit. I wasn’t flat or anything as rarely do I sound flat, but I sounded nasal.

Later…

Whoever my Ohio State University fan is comes around more often. Wonder if they come for the story or the journal? Or maybe both?

Maliheh’s hit me 5 times so far today. Just a little over two hours to go to find out if she hits it when I want her to, saying I’m ok in her book after all.

I gave Alison my number in an email because she seems to want to talk to more of her friends lately than just keep in touch with them online. This is understandable with the stress she’s under.

I spoke to my mom and dad and mom said “Just last night I said to dad, now why haven’t we heard from Jodi? She said she’d call every month. And now here you go and call.”

I reminded her that I’m very intuitive and I pick up on those vibes she puts out, even if she still might not believe it. Since the last time we talked was the last day in August, I skipped a month. I guess they were worried, just like Tom was worried the other day if he was right in turning down the job offer he got and kept waking up all night. I hate to say it, but it’s nice to see others worry for once and not me! I know, however, that we could still end up right back in the same boat we were in for 22 months if they lay him off. If there’s any danger ahead, I’m sure I’ll have dreams warning me of it. I usually do.

Anyway, Dad asked if my Magic Jack phone was reliable, saying they were sick of paying $60 for a basic phone. I told him that other than an occasional echo and the lag, yes, it’s reliable. Then I reminded him that you have to have internet access for one of these.

“Nope, I’m not going through that shit again with the 10,000 email messages!” Ma goes.

“Relax,” I told her, “the spam filters are really good these days.”

“Even 100 is too much!”

“So be mean and have Dad manage your inbox.”

LOL, I can tell that Dad’s keener on the idea than she is.

I pointed out that they could also consider going cellular, but Ma said that’s not convenient. They both have cells, but they forward their business phone to their main line during the week, and I guess she doesn’t want to have to run out to the car if she forgets to bring it inside with her or something.

They said it’s only been 3 years since they’ve been offline and not the 5-10 I thought it was. Either way, I hope they come back. They can do a lot more for that $60 than they’re doing now, but if they don’t want to go online, they don’t want to. I know they’re coming to my blog if they do! And like I said in my shoutbox, I may be their craziest daughter, but I’m sure they’ll agree I’m the most entertaining too, LOL. As I told them, I can’t imagine not having online access. You might as well go live in Amish country in that case, LOL.

I suppose the thought of one’s parents coming to their blog or journal would be a real nightmare for them, but I couldn’t say anything they haven’t heard before, if not from me then from someone somewhere. I know they won’t agree with everything I have to say, especially the fact that they weren’t exactly the best of parents when I was a kid as opposed to as an adult, but I know they know I have a right to my opinions and that it’s my blog and I gotta live my life as I see fit.

I asked if they knew I at least sort of patched things up with Tammy and they said no.

Really? I’m surprised because that drama queen usually tells it all. They were all for it, of course, not that I expected them to say, “Aw, you two should remain sworn enemies for life. Really Jodi, just hate the bitch’s guts forever and let her do the same in return.”

I told them they gotta cover their asses if they do come online, and reminded them of various types of scams out there – the lotto scam, Nigerian letter, phishers, etc.

I was surprised to learn their condo is only one-story. I thought it was two for some reason, but I guess that was the place they had before we left Phoenix. Then again, I was more surprised that they’d ever get a two-story place to begin with.

I also let them know that since we’re not hard up for bucks right now, we’ve bumped the listing of the Beanie Babies closer to Hanukah and Christmas.

I had said that the 11th was a bad day for us 3 years ago, but actually, it was the 4th. The nightmare lasted for 11 days, and so that’s why the number 11 stuck in my head. But it started on the 4th, the same day I quit smoking in 1997.

Just when I was thinking how amazing it was that the cooler weather hadn’t brought Jesse out to make a racket, I heard him buzzing around on the ATV, then gunning engines, but it didn’t last long.

I’ve been asked about various usernames I’ve used. Well, lately I’ve been The Girl in the Mirror, but for a long time, I was Ratgirl or Mystery. Mystery was my stage name when I was dancing.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2010
Last night I fell asleep at a reasonable hour for once and dreamt of the perfect ending to my story! So now I know exactly how the story is going to end. I had a general idea, but no details until now. Can’t say how, though, and spoil the surprise.

I realized that if what had happened in real life with the part of the story where Joni and Maliheh are in the bar when the trigger-happy psycho comes around, they’d probably have to testify as witnesses in court. Maybe I should go back in the final copy and have Maliheh kill the guy so they won’t have to, LOL. Or have him plead guilty.

Some of the feelings I’ve expressed and the comments I’ve received have got me thinking of this whole forgiveness thing and my being too nice and too tolerant like some people say. Actually, it was the other way around for quite some time. From around the early 90s to not so long ago I was probably one of the least forgiving people you could ever meet. But then I realized that people weren’t created to be perfect, and we all make mistakes. This doesn’t mean I could forgive everyone who’s ever wronged me. How much is too much to forgive? Well, I guess we all have our ideas of what should and shouldn’t be forgiven. I myself base it on the seriousness of whatever it was that was done to me, and how often. Marie was hardly serious at all, but she kept doing the same shit over and over again that she promised she’d stop doing. What was done to me by our old neighbors in Phoenix and their corrupt pig pal is way too serious to ever forgive. I don’t think I ever could even if they apologized to me right now and handed me a check for a million bucks. Furthermore, I hope their lives are pure hell.

When Tom first got this job, we figured he’d get other offers as that’s how it usually works. But to our surprise, no one called. But then yesterday he got another job offer. The lady he spoke to was bummed out that he’d already found work but said to keep her in mind if he ever needs another job. So we still would’ve been saved, but that would’ve really been cutting it close! Next Sunday would have been the last time he mailed in a form.

I noticed a new regular about a week ago from another country. It turns out they work for MyOpera. They warned me about a particular member being a scammer which they banned. So that was nice of them to look out for me, and I guess there’s no need to worry about my blog being too intense for their standards since they’d have banned me, too.

Today’s cousin Sharyn’s 61st birthday, so I wished her a happy one on Facebook.

The chest pains and palpitations had eased off for a while and I had been doing well, but about a week ago they started up again. Still don’t know what causes them and what it means. Why is it that I always seem to have more questions in life than answers?

Now it’s time to get started with the day’s workout, cleaning and writing, and begin another day of feeling alienated from those online beings I’d like to hear from most. And I’ll be afraid to reach out to them while I’m at it, not wanting to come off as too pushy and persistent, wishing I could be a cold, calloused bitch who couldn’t care less about anyone else but herself. If they would just email me a few times a day for a week or two I’d get sick of them in no time, LOL.

Later…

I can see that Nane’s logged into LM twice since I sent her a message on Facebook, which I’d be willing to bet she’s already read, and so yeah, she’s basically a waste of time. I’m not going to hear much from her. She’s just too sane and too gorgeous to feel the same way I do.

Maliheh was in a couple of hours ago and hit 5 pages no doubt looking for comments left in regards to her. She can’t be interested in me, could she? LOL, somehow I doubt she’s interested in how shiny my glitter nail polish is or that I’m pissed that it’s chilly out and feeling alienated by Nane.

Later…

The dogs ran up to see me. It was so cute the way both of them ambushed me. Whiskey’s still the friendliest, though, and Brandy took off a second later. I’m amazed at these dogs’ strength! Whiskey wasn’t sure whether or not he should follow Brandy, but reluctantly decided that yeah, he should go chase his girlfriend. A minute later he came back to me, though I had already jumped inside, figuring I had enough weeds all over me.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2010
Tom said he might have to join Facebook because of some contests Pepsi is to be running soon, even though he’s never had any interest in the social networking scene. Hmm… will he be my friend if he does, LOL! He’s won X-boxes, mini-refrigerators and cash from them before. He loves their contests.

Now that we owe a grand in taxes all for the shit I’ve won (the 9K and the Italy trip we have yet to take), I said to him, “While I’m glad for the 9K so we could finally escape the motel, doesn’t it also suck that I won so much shit cuz of the taxes?”

“Not at all,” he said. “I’m sitting at the best computer I ever had in my life, I can crank out all the documents and pictures I want on a high-tech color laser printer most businesses can only dream of, then flip on my 32” LCD TV.”

We both started laughing at that point. Well, as soon as the economy picks up a little more I’ll start combing OLS again and turning out the wins!

Tom was looking online to find out all the land/house costs from when we lived in Maricopa. I guess you can file a loss when you do taxes, but we made so little in 2004 that he didn’t bother filing that year. It turns out, however, that we didn’t lose money like he had thought, we actually made a profit of 3K, though we left with 5K. We got 83K for the Phoenix house, paid 15K for the 10 acres in Maricopa, took out a 92K mortgage, then sold it for 107K 5 years later.

When we lost that place (no, I am not going to start crying this time), I cursed it so badly. I put a super nasty spell on it, determined not to let anyone have a good time in my house that I basically designed and customized myself. I was so sad over losing that place even though Maricopa was building up fast and the Mexican drug cartel was taking over the area. We were barely two hours away from the border, and seeing Border Control cruisers was a very common sight, along with the tribal police. Especially in Casa Grande.

Well, Tom was also able to learn that Huey, the investor who bought us out with plans to split the land into 5 2-acre parcels, lost a huge amount of money on the place. :)

I sure miss some aspects of it, though, especially the cool monsoon storms. Never did I hear such deafening thunder before in my life, see such intense lightning, or feel such fierce winds. It rained so hard one time that it created a run-off and water flooded the area and went streaming downhill for hours. You can see pictures of it in my photo albums on pages 10-11.

On pages 18-19 is the little pigeon flock I had in Phoenix. Yeah, I made friends with the neighborhood pigeons for a while, LOL. I hated the mess they’d make but loved how I could step out of the house and into the middle of the backyard, spread my arms, and down they’d come from the utility poles. This is kind of what I mean when I describe myself as unique and a bit strange. I doubt many people would be so nice to their local pigeons. I also fed a cute little wild rat on the land we owned for 5 minutes in Oregon, LOL. It was a gray rat that I think was pregnant.

I dreamt I was playing some online game with Maliheh, working for a lawyer, seeing two jackrabbits get it on out front, sweeping the deck with Tom, and getting my hair brushed out by Nane. We moved again too, but it can’t mean much since it seemed to be my grandparents’ old house and then we were in Florida.

Later…

I heard of this woman who was heavy and lost a lot of weight because she had a tapeworm, though she didn’t know it right away. I want a tapeworm, too! What a great diet it would make.

Nane’s on Facebook once again and once again I am being ignored. I feel kind of bummed out now and like I’m not getting as much attention from Nane as I’d like despite knowing how busy she is. She seemed like a fine cyber girlfriend though I have to wonder why the hell it matters so much to me. This is a woman I’ll never see that’s on the other side of the world. Why is it that sometimes the people far away from me matter more than some of the ones right here in my own town? Oh, wait a minute! I’m only allowed more attention from the crazy ones, right?

Some have suggested I get out and meet local women. I wouldn’t feel guilty for it, after all, since Tom and I are more like friends. As I told him, as long as your heart is always with me, I don’t care what you do. I’m not your mommy. And he knows I expect the same attitude in return. I know that I’m not alone and that most long-term couples like Tom and I go through this where the love grows but the lust dies. But I’m totally against seeking out people around here. I absolutely won’t do it! You see, I learned many years ago that the more I plan or seek something/someone out with a specific goal in mind, the more likely I am to end up with something else or nothing at all. Life has been mostly unexpected and accidental for me. I didn’t even “plan” Maliheh last May. She just popped into mind one day and I spontaneously looked her up. What followed from there was both expected and unexpected. I’m not surprised she’s never contacted me, but I am surprised she visited my blog. This is why I think she’s either looking for something to use against me in a mean, vindictive way, or she’s giving things time, not wanting to write me off as a possibility in her life in the future, but wanting to take this time to play with me while she’s at it. Hey, it’s only fair, isn’t it, LOL? But yes, I feel both delighted and teased by her silent presence. And I’m still no closer to figuring out what I feel for her or why. I just know that if she does contact me, she will do so when she’s ready, in her own time, in her own way.

Yet despite how bummed out and empty I sometimes feel, I find it easier to just sit here and feel sorry for myself till these moods pass. Who knows, maybe I’ll be celibate for the rest of my life, but if I am I know I only have myself to blame for that because I’m very picky and I don’t settle for just anything, even if it’s just for fun and games which is all it would be.

I’m sitting on Facebook right now hoping against hope that she’ll initialize a chat with me or do something, but nope. She’s been on for about an hour, but nothing new appears on her page, so I guess she’s swapping messages with people, playing games or maybe reading other pages.

Other than being a bit bummed out over Nane, even if we haven’t been “together” long and she has a million things going on and doesn’t appear to be home much, Eileen emailed me to say that just because I don’t hear from her at times doesn’t mean she doesn’t think of me daily. Aw, how sweet of her. I think of her every day, too. She prays for me every day, she says, and I told her to keep on doing whatever it is she’s doing because things have been running smoothly. I really had some scary moments for a while and didn’t think we’d make it, so it’s nice to have things go well, though I’m not stupid. All good things come to an end. I know that. My mother’s a bitch, but she didn’t raise no fool. Eileen also enclosed a quick video of her granddaughter and visited my blog.

Irene cracks me up. She said that the idea of being in my story makes her feel like a little girl waiting for Santa, LOL. Yes, she’s quite excited about it.

Anyway, I sent the somewhat elusive German hottie a message wishing her a safe and happy trip to Turkey. Maybe we’ll chat more when she gets back, but I won’t count on it.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2010
Facebook is saying Nane posted to my wall, commented on my wall and likes my wall post about an hour ago, but I don’t see anything new. I guess it must be one of Fuckbook’s many glitches. Yesterday, though, she “liked” my hug, commented on my wall, and sent me an Oktoberfest Herz (heart). She’s also getting me into Turkish and Greek music, LOL.

In a good mood after receiving these goodies from her and having fun shopping, I thought we should scratch the 3 tickets we got, but unfortunately, the first two didn’t win. Before we could do the last ticket I decided to wait, hoping we just hadn’t left it laying around long enough for the energy to take effect. I will try to psych it into winning later.

Yesterday was the biggest day for traffic in the history of this blog, though I don’t know why. People were getting pushed off the list faster than they entered it, and I couldn’t see much of my “silent girlfriend.” I did see that she was in really late, but that was it. I also hope she doesn’t get upset by my referring to her as things like “silent girlfriend” or “cyber girl.” I know where we stand! We stand nowhere. Never have, never will. I know this. I swear I do! It’s all just in my stories, fantasies, imagination and wishful thinking. But I just don’t want to piss her off and make her think I’m delusional and losing touch with reality or anything. This doesn’t mean I still don’t like the idea of being her friend or cybergirl, it just means I know nothing’s going on either way and that she probably hates me and always will. But no matter how much Nane may be on my mind, I will always be looking over my shoulder at that silent girlfriend, thinking of her and hoping she’s doing well.

I don’t know about last night, but Jesse’s definitely spending Friday nights elsewhere. At 3am Brandy went off and I figured he’d come out and tell her to shut up, but he never did, and then Whiskey went off. His truck wasn’t there when we left at 6am for the grocery store, making me even more sure he stayed elsewhere overnight. It was there when we got back, though. So in less than a month the only time there won’t be any barking will basically be during the weeknights which totally sucks, but hey, there’s just no escaping it no matter where you go in the west which is part of why I might consider a dog of our own if we ever do buy a house. Might as well listen to our own for once instead of it always being someone else’s.

We went back out a few hours later and I got glittery nail polish with a nice pale pink background, foundation to cover the redness in my face that sometimes goes with being fair-skinned and which I’m also getting sick of, and a new desk chair.

I swore I’d never get a chair without arms, but when I saw the cute little hot pink (my favorite color) chair for just $30, I couldn’t resist. I can rest my arms in my lap or at the sides of the desk when I’m not typing, though that’s what I’m usually doing when I’m at my computer. The mesh is a little rough, but otherwise it’s a suitable chair for one who lives in a tiny old trailer.

“We can afford the $140 chair with the fuzzy arms you like, even though it’s not pink,” Tom pointed out.

Yeah, we could, and that’s a nice feeling, but I didn’t want to spend the extra money and wasn’t sure it would fit in between the desk and side of the bed which is where I have my computer set up. I will eventually get a bigger, more comfortable chair with arms and eventually give this one to my sitting mannequin that’s been packed away in the shed due to the lack of space in here. It would be nicer than the lawn chair she used to sit on. Better yet, I wish I could sell her! But mannequins have gotten to be quite a craze and are dirt cheap compared to years ago, so they can just get a brand-new one easily enough. Most people wouldn’t want her anyway posed as she is because she sits over with her elbows on her legs. She was made more for decoration than for showing off clothing.

I just hope they hire him on by the end of the year and that we’re not back in the poorhouse in just a few months!

Later…

I saw that Nane was on Facebook a little while ago and by the time I got brave enough to start a chat with her, she jumped offline. Maybe it’s for the better, though, as busy or not, she obviously isn’t into me nearly as much as I’m into her. She may be attracted to me, but this is oh-so typical of what I get. The more I’m attracted to the person, the less interested they seem to be in me. I was attracted to Marie too, just not nearly as much. And the only reason I could have all I wanted of Marie was that she was crazy.

I hope things will change and that I’ll hear more from her when she gets back from vacation, but I doubt it.

Why oh why does it upset me so to be ignored today by someone I’ve never met who’s on the other side of the world simply because of how attractive they are???

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2010
Many have tried to guess as to Maliheh’s true intentions, but no one seems to be any closer to figuring out just what they are. Or who the impersonator was. But I’d be willing to bet there was more than one, and one of them knew her at one point.

The end results seem rather black and white and not at all gray. Meaning that I think her intentions can only be good or bad and that there’s just no room for any real kind of indifference. If she were indifferent and didn’t give a shit about me one way or the other, then why come around so often? So that in itself pretty much indicates that she either despises the hell out of me and is just waiting and hoping for the opportunity to jump out and bite me, or she is ever so slowly opening her heart to me and reaching out one teeny little inch at a time as I have reached out to her.

The easiest thing for me to do would be to cancel the friend request, move on and forget about her, assuming she means the worst, but I don’t want to jump the gun and make assumptions that could very well be all wrong like I did when I thought she was fucking with me on Formspring.

I understand that part of the fun for her is probably in leaving me hanging, guessing and wondering. That in itself could be what the game is all about, and getting a kick out of what people, including myself, have to say about it. But hey, I can understand, LOL. I’d get a real kick out of all the theories and speculations myself!

I also realize something else that’s a bit chilling. When I fucked with her it was in the form of pranks. Not to excuse myself or anything as what I did was still wrong, but there were no “evil intentions” involved. I didn’t want to harm her in any way but just annoy her. But if she herself is hoping to harm me somehow, some way, then that would have to be one twisted person since I have apologized for my wrongdoings and have been keeping true to my word about behaving. So the possibility of being played with or harmed by someone I’ve already apologized to is a bit disturbing. Nothing I can do about it, though, and as Alison said, only she knows how this is going to end. I know how the story is going to end, she knows how reality is going to end. Funny, ain’t it?

I find that taking notes upon getting up helps me to remember my dreams in better detail. But I don’t remember one single dream from last night. No disjointed, off-the-wall scenes, no nothing.

Later…

Thanks to some of the damn cocks here, they are helping to make me even more of a sexist than I already am (with a few guys excluded, of course). I got so sick of comments like, nice ass, nice back, nice bottom, etc, on the picture I last had showing my hair when it was really long that I went and changed it. It’s ironic too, as I’m skinnier now than I was in that picture. At least I got a wonderful reaction from Nane on the one on Facebook which is certainly a lot naughtier, LOL, but it probably explains the spike in traffic yesterday. Maybe some would say I should appreciate a compliment, but I don’t want people coming to my blog simply because they think I had a nice ass in 2007. I want them coming because they like reading my blog. Keep my ass as an afterthought, will you?!

So many guys out there think they know it all and that they should rule the world, and while they’re at it they treat women with such disrespect and like they’re nothing but animals or objects to be used and abused at will. I have NO sympathy for men when they get attacked or beaten by their women after they’ve been pushed to the max and too fed up to take any more of their shit. I applaud those women and am glad more and more of them are reacting violently toward these damn cocks. Keep them fists flying, ladies! Sometimes you really do gotta fight and shit! I forgot about Formspring. I better get over there soon and get answering questions!

It smelled like rain when I was out running earlier. It’s been nearly 5 months since we had any real rain, so it wouldn’t hurt.

We decided that since we’re having one of our “rich spells,” we may as well postpone listing the Beanie Babies until we get closer to Christmas.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2010
October.

October has a few anniversaries in it for me, the 11th being particularly horrible.

The 4th will mark 13 years since I quit smoking. I went from saying I can’t believe I quit to I can’t believe I ever smoked, though I’m sure there will always be a part of me that can’t believe I quit. I used the gum back when I was living in Phoenix, AZ, the same method that I failed to succeed with 5 years earlier in CT. Guess there really is a time and a place for everything.

The 27th will mark 23 years of journaling.

This month would’ve also been the end of us had Tom not been able to get a job. In a couple of weeks, we’d be out of money, I’d be deciding which friends and family members to send a final message to, we’d be dead, and Evil Amongst the Evergreens would never get finished. Maliheh’s friend invite wouldn’t matter anymore around the 15th for I wouldn’t be here to know if she ever accepted it or not.

But mid-May of this year is also kind of memorable as that’s when I first found Maliheh online. I just wish I didn’t have to go and be such a jerk like I was at first. But it’s true that my initial plan wasn’t to be very nice at all. “You’re still a hot-looking bitch,” I remember saying to myself when I saw her pictures. “Yes, your worst nightmare has risen from the past straight out of hell and right into cyberspace, you heart-breaking bitch!” I flashed an evil grin and started learning whatever I could about her. I didn’t learn much. Either I’m a lousy detective or this is just a very private person.

Then I thought she was harassing me on Formspring and I really got mad. “Ok, here comes trouble! Yes, ready or not here I come! I’m coming to pick on your weight, even though I’m the one who got fat and not you. And I’m going to pick on your friends too, even if one of them contacted me first before I knew what the hell was going on. I’m gonna pick on you, tease you, taunt you… and WTF?! You mean my Formspring tormenter is Andy?!

“Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid fool!” I screamed at myself. And then the guilt set in and bit hard. Real hard. I tried to make amends. I was unsuccessful. But the good thing is that I don’t usually repeat my mistakes, so she has nothing to worry about in the future even if she still hates me and always will and thinks I’m a major fuck-up and an ugly dog who’s dumber than dumb.

But then I thought it was her that had come to communicate with me and this put a smile on my face. A huge one. Yeah, I still had a thing for her despite any hurt or anger in the picture.

Then I learned it was an impersonator. Bummer! But I’m mostly sure that the real one is reading her story. Probably not the journal, but the story. And so I feel “connected.” It’s a nice feeling and I’m enjoying it while it lasts and keeping my word about behaving even if the damage is already done and it’s too late. I love my husband dearly, but sometimes I wonder about those could’ve beens and might’ve beens, and well, I don’t want to get to crying now, so I’ll move on and try not to beat myself up for what can’t be changed or blame others. If I do, it’s too easy to get caught up in thinking – if my mother hadn’t abused me, maybe I wouldn’t have been so screwed up, and if her mother hadn’t been such a bitch, maybe she would’ve been a better mother, and if my great, great, great, great grandparents hadn’t have done whatever… Gotta admit, though, that if someone told me 20 years ago she’d one day read a story of mine – any story – and so could anyone in the world if they wanted to, I’d have laughed my ass off!

I have her picture on the wall and I admire it every day. If I knew this bothered her I’d yank it off the wall and tear it up. I swear I would!

I plan on working on Evil today, whether I do or do not start chiseling out the start of Sugar Bella and For Keeps. For Keeps was originally going to be Evil’s subtitle, but I decided I liked it for the story I have in mind with Nane which will be filled with much more suspense than Evil has been so far.

I haven’t heard from Nane lately. She doesn’t appear to have been on LM or FB. I know she’s busy with the new job and getting ready for her trip. Hopefully this weekend she’ll return the hug I sent her. :)

Not sure I want to sell Evil unless it’s for an insane amount of money. I want a grand for this manuscript otherwise it’s a no-go. Even though I often use real-life characters and even though it was a bummer to learn that the person asking me and inspiring me to write it wasn’t the real Maliheh, this story will always be one of the more special ones. Selling copies of stories is one thing, but literally selling the story – my very own creation – is another. It’s just not easy to do if the price isn’t right or if it’s not something I’m writing for someone else that is out of my usual style and genre.

I’ve been asked to throw Nane into Evil, but I can’t see any way to fit her into it at this point.

Irene, a friend of mine here, asked to be in my next book and said she can be good, bad - anything I want, LOL. I told her I could squeeze her into Evil, but I have to dramatically change her age, LOL. If she doesn’t have a problem with this, like the real Maliheh apparently didn’t when I notified her on Facebook that I would be publishing the story, then I will go ahead and throw her in. She didn’t say not to use her real last name, but I won’t anyway, as that’s something I don’t usually do.

I don’t know that I’ll be posting any more stories in the future until and if I set up a site and sell them. But I will email copies to anyone who wants them.

Andy left a message saying he’s been so busy he hasn’t had time to read my journal, and I told him not to worry because it’s boring anyway. He replied with, “Your journal is NEVER boring. That’s why so many people all over the world read it, including myself. Keep writing!”

Aw, how sweet, huh?

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Last updated August 09, 2024