April 2010 in 2010s

FRIDAY, APRIL 30, 2010
I almost got chapter 9 done yesterday, but then Marie’s shit, Jesse’s engine-gunning, and the excitement of my parents’ package distracted me.

Going in order of events from where I left off in my last entry – we got a fun package from my parents yesterday. There was a leopard print handbag that was even nicer than the gold metallic one I won in 2008. There was also some candy, cashews, gum, shampoo and a grill-like thing where you can make all kinds of things from cakes to cookies and burgers to omelets. Of course it was quite a task just figuring out where to keep it in this microscopic kitchen of ours, but we managed to squeeze it in.

I was sitting at my desk enjoying some of the nuts when the phone suddenly rang and I grabbed it, automatically assuming it was my folks.

Wrong! It was her.

“Don’t hang up,” Marie insisted, saying something about thinking I’d be asleep and that it would go to voicemail, but I cut her off by telling her I was sick of her shit before I hung up on her. I felt like such an idiot for not checking to see who was calling first, but I’m also not yet used to checking pop-up screens on computers either when I get calls.

I also got a message from the journal site, saw it was from her, and ignored it. They say sleeping on an issue is a good thing. When I woke up, I was sure I had done the right thing by letting Marie go. Again, I don’t hate her. I will always hope for the best for her and will probably think of her every single day of my life. But like I’ve said before, I have never forgiven anyone and not lived to regret it. To forgive means to continue the same old cycle of bullshit. It really does. It’s why I never spoke to Lisa again after she so rudely and insanely accused me of telling my father we started speaking sooner than we did. Even if I had received the apology I never received for her jumping the gun in such an unnecessary and immature way, I knew it would only be a matter of time before history repeated itself.

These are no longer sweet, innocent little girls, I reminded myself that day. These things are now all grown up and ready to lash out at the world. They’re ready to make the same mistakes they saw their parents make. They were abused, and after being forced to turn inward as minors as is usually the case with abuse, they’re now ready to take their anger out on whoever will put up with it.

Same thing with Marie. If she’s this unstable at 43, I’d say she’s pretty much set in her ways and is always going to be who she is. And I know we can’t change other people. They have to want to change themselves. I also don’t believe in trying to change or control others in the first place, but to just avoid them instead. Marie has a right to be herself the same as I have a right not to put up with her lashing out at me every goddamn week or two.

I realize that Marie may not be able to help herself and that she wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt, anger or drive me away. But she did say she “loved my fire” and some people do get off on ruffling people’s feathers, so maybe it was a bit of a twisted game to her, IDK. But my feathers are ruffled enough just knowing that we’re on our last extension and that if the jobs don’t come around by October, we’re dead. I don’t need additional aggravation hanging over my head while I sit here and wonder if we’re on death row because I’d be too much of a wimp to survive starving in the streets.

I didn’t want to be the same fool some women are who keep forgiving a man who either cheats or beats on them over and over and then apologizes over and over, insisting it will never ever happen again. I’ve been around enough Lisas and Maries to learn enough – yeah, that’s what spending too much time in funny farms does to you – and that’s that these people’s delusions tend to get crazier in time. At first they’ll go off on you over nothing. It’ll be the same old stupid, trivial shit at first, then it usually escalates into some pretty off-the-wall shit. Within a year or two they’d be accusing me of trying to hire their mothers to kill them, or insist they saw a tiny version of me swimming around in their toilets.

At first I felt guilty about letting Marie go, knowing that hey, no one’s perfect. But the problems were happening too often and I know I have every right to pick and choose who my friends are. As they say, we can’t pick our family but we can pick our friends. She’s a prime example of why I only have a few friends, none of whom live near me. There are too many more bad people in the world than good. If there weren’t there wouldn’t be so many injustices in the world. I keep people at a distance for a reason, and I only forgive the same person so many times for a reason as well. I hope she finds all the love, luck, happiness, good health and money in the world, but I have every right to disengage myself from people who continually upset or anger me in any way. If I forgave her right now she would just tell me she understood I’m busy. Then a week later she’d be insisting I’m just saying that because I’m bored with her and so it’s just a means of getting out of having to play email with her so often.

Or maybe I really do work full-time now. And maybe I don’t get the wages I should get and that I deserve, but it’s still work and it still pays. I also have many hobbies that I enjoy doing as well. Really. It’s true. I really, really do and I kid you not, LOL!

When I got up early this morning I thought my inbox and voicemail would be littered with messages from both Marie and Lena W, but they weren’t. Instead, I got an email alert saying I had a 48-second message from my folks. Dad left the message, actually. He just wanted to let me know they sent another package out yesterday – a big one – and I should get it next Wednesday or Thursday. This is perfect because we usually make mail runs on Thursdays. He said I didn’t need to call back and that everything was ok. He sure sounded tired, though, and almost out of breath.

It figures I had to not miss Marie’s call and just miss Dad’s call. He called just minutes after I had shut down for the day, and her call came about an hour before shutting down.

Today we got barking instead of engine gunning, so Jesse’s obviously working today. The dogs just aren’t barking as loud and as long. In the winter it goes consistently for 4-5 hours, then on and off for the rest of the day. For now, it’s just the first hour or two after he leaves, but I’m sure they’ll bark like they do in the winter year-round soon enough.

Anyway, I know journals are not only for recording the good times but for venting about bad things and bad people as well. However, I’m really sick of dwelling on negative, mean or insane people from the past and I want to just move on and try to focus on the good things and the good people in my life for whatever time I’ve got left on earth.

THURSDAY, APRIL 29, 2010
Lena, the bitch that screwed Marie over with the head games, sent me, Marie, and a few others some spam. It was only one message so far, but the girl’s going to live to regret it because I made sure to have her slammed with tons of spam of her own by signing her up for all kinds of newsletters and other shit. I even tweeted her full name and email addy letting people know she loves to talk dirty. Did a journal entry with it, too. So that ought to teach her a lesson if only for a while.

Marie said she was sorry for getting me involved in her mess. I told her not to worry about it.

Yesterday I got to thinking about all the things I’d won throughout the 3 years I entered tons of sweepstakes and contests, and I started missing those days. I only stopped sweeping because I stopped winning when the economy went to hell. For old-time’s sake, I decided to enter some sweeps yesterday just to see if I can turn on the wins again. If I can, I’ll go all out with it like I used to, but of course I’ll still stick to my main job as well.

I wrote most of chapter 9 yesterday too, so I’ve been really busy.

That’s it for today’s entry!

Later…

Guess this isn’t it for today after all. I just got yet ANOTHER one of Marie’s nasty emails loaded with all kinds of false accusations and paranoia. How did we go from, “I love you more than you’ll ever understand, Jodi Lin,” to this shit in just a matter of hours?! I can’t deal with all these sudden, unexpected mood swings and outbursts every week or two of my life. I know I’ve said this before, but I’m not kidding this time when I say we’re done. I don’t fight with people, I just dump ‘em. Right or wrong, I’ll only forgive a person so many times before I wash my hands clean of the aggravation. I don’t need people in my life with the maturity and behavior of a teenager.

She asked that I keep this to myself, but that’s another thing I’m sick of are the constant contradictions. She goes back and forth between telling me to write whatever I want, then begging me not to share it with my followers. But as I’ve said a million times before, it’s MY journal. And if you don’t like it DON’T FUCKING READ IT!

Not only is this right after telling me how much she loves me and seems to be in a fine mood, but right after she apologizes to me for getting me involved in her mess with Lena who started spamming us. This was the girl that led her on real bad by setting up a date with her and then running to hide when she went to her house. They worked together at Marie’s last job. Lena’s married with kids, but apparently bi-curious as well because they spent Marie’s last month there kissing and flirting. Anyway, the bitch plays with Marie’s head, then starts spamming us. So I’m not only kind enough not to chew Marie’s ass out for the shit this little head player’s sending me since she did give out my email without asking, but I have her slammed with tons of spam and newsletters in return for her fucking with us, and this is what I get for it.

Apparently, the “Marie” entry I thought we’d already discussed and resolved is still eating at her. Oh, and she’s sure my being busy is just a ploy. Lastly, she’s sorry she has issues and needs someone to talk to.

But how the hell does she think she’s going to get anyone to talk to if she’s a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with them, sweet and kind one minute, then a nutjob the next? No wonder she’s still alone at 43 years of age!

She signed off with, “Please take care and I hope you and Tom have a wonderful life and get what you deserve and want.”

And I hope she gets what she wants, too. She just can’t be a part of my life while she’s at it because she’s just too unstable. If you can’t treat me with the respect that I deserve and you feel you have to smother me obsessively and that I shouldn’t be entitled to do other things besides dealing with you while you call me a liar when I say I’m busy, then I don’t want anything to do with you.

So I’ve marked her emails as spam and have unfriended her from other sites. I’m sure she’ll try to call and message me, but it will all go ignored. That’s ok, LOL. She doesn’t live 3’ away like Joely N did, so she can’t MAKE me acknowledge her with all kinds of racket and vandalism.

Farewell, “Jamie.”

Later…

Marie’s contradictions and paranoia got old. I can see disagreements a few times a year, but a few times a month is a bit much for me. And it was always over the same old things. One can only insist they’re not kidding when they say they’re busy so many times. And one can only be accused of “ploys” so many times on top of it after they told them they “understood.” Write what you want, don’t share certain things. I understand you’re busy, it’s just a ploy! I’ll leave you alone for a while, I couldn’t hold back…and on and on it went, back and forth and back and forth! So yeah, it did get old having to explain and defend myself on the same damn things over and over.

I told myself, “She’s not going to give up on you so easily. She has a problem. It’s like an alcoholic that keeps slipping up. They feel bad about it when they do, they know they’ve got a problem, they realize they need to stop, but they can’t. They can only behave for a while, then boom! They fuck up again. She’s going to feel bad in a day or two and harass and stalk you every chance she gets till you either pay attention to her or she gets bored with getting no response.”

I realize this may be the case, but that’s okay. I know how to ignore unwanted contact. Hopefully, this time around will really be the real “eye-opener” she herself said our last feud was for her. Like I said, I don’t hate her. I’m not sitting here wishing her any harm. I just want to move on same as I have from others I’ve had to cut out of my life that were also a negative influence on me in some way.

Oh, and she may not be a drinker anymore, but she’s on head pills. If anyone knows that most shrinks are no better than dope dealers it’s me. Psych pills can really alter one’s personality and cause erratic behavior like she’s displayed. They make you who you’re not and provide a crutch as a coping mechanism. Until you learn to cope with your problems independently, the drugs are bound to make you do shit like she has. I still don’t see why the shrinks are even allowed to make the walking pharmacies they make of their patients. They definitely hold people back in life more than they help them.

Anyway, I only got 5 precious hours of alone time. God, how many more months is this going to go on? Am I the only one like this who can love and get along with someone really well, yet require more time alone? I’m the type that could spend days alone. While I’ve never missed being single, I really did enjoy a lot of the time I lived alone. I just wasn’t always so quick to admit it.

Jesse’s been out of work all week. Just the peace and quiet tells me that much!

I just wish this fucking weather would warm up and stay that way more than just a few days at a time, but it might become cold and rainy here year-round if that’s the trend global warming has in store for this area because not every place gets warmer. It’s almost May and it’s in the 30s out there!

Anyway, I know some people don’t want to believe this, but I really am too busy to write any more right now.

MONDAY, APRIL 26, 2010
Ended up sleeping for 12 hours because I slept shitty two days in a row. I slept a little better last time around and woke up feeling more energized. My allergies were better too, though it seems I’ve swapped that in for a backache. Tom rubbed out some of the achiness before he crashed. Wish Marie could pick up where he left off! It was only a temporary relief, then the pain returned. I even took some Aleve for it, but it’s still present.

Tom has urged me not to work so hard, reminding me it’s ok to take a day off, especially on the weekends. I know I should, but I feel guilty if I do. I’ve been at this job since October 1st and haven’t missed a day since, though I don’t always make good money. Some days are just dead.

SUNDAY, APRIL 25, 2010
Between allergies and fatigue, I can’t say I feel too great right now. I have to have nose pinchers on – the kind for swimming – just so I can get through this entry without sneezing all over.

When we’re not feeling well physically it doesn’t do anything to help our mood, and so I’m rather irritable right now. Makes me almost wish She was here. Oh, what I could do to Her in this kind of mood! No, I’m not talking about my sister. Despite the hell she helped put my husband and myself through, for some reason, I don’t care to harm her. I wouldn’t reach out a hand to her if she were drowning, but I wouldn’t want to see her deliberately hurt. I should, perhaps, but I just don’t.

The last couple of days I’ve been on nights and I slept shittily. I wake up hot and then I’m cold when I am up. I’m sick of these cold nights and warm days! I wish it would stay warm all the time, but that’s not till June, and at the rate we’re going, we might not get there this year. It’s to be in the 70s the next couple of days, but then it’s back to the 50s and the rain. At least it’ll be easier to sleep when it’s cooler. I don’t know why I woke up hot. I had the window open and the fan going, though it was 79º in here and that’s a bit toasty under the covers. So I kicked off the covers, turned up the fan, and had Tom blast the cooler.

On top of that, I have been experiencing major fatigue and a period that just doesn’t want to come. It was due on the 21st, but all I’ve been doing is hovering between spotting and a light flow. This is the second month in a row I’ve had such a screwy cycle. I wish I could say menopause was setting in, but 44 seems a bit young for that. Don’t we usually experience that closer to 60?

Then yesterday – no, I’m not done yet – I noticed a faint but foul smell in the bedroom. Today I emptied the trash in there, thinking it might be something in that, but nope. The smell grew stronger. Then it hit me that one of the mice we poisoned was probably dead in the vents somewhere near the bedroom and that’s probably what I was smelling. So, since we’re not using the main heater, something I’m now more than glad for, I put packing tape over the vents. I hope this will stifle the smell, and the inevitable flies to follow, but I won’t count on it. We’ll probably have to seal up the other vents as well. Come to think of it, I think it is helping, and my nose is like a bloodhound.

Thank you, God, for caring enough and blessing us with a trashy old trailer as our only option in life, despite how hard we’re willing to work for more. Thank you for seeing to it that all doors for any potential opportunities have been slammed in our faces and will probably never open again for us at our ages. Thank you.

Yeah, we just HAD to be one of that 12%. 12%. What are the odds of being just 12%? Well, that’s just about how much of the population is gay or bi and I sure beat those odds too, didn’t I? I see a pattern there. Yup, a definite knack for “beating” the odds.

I don’t think Jesse was home all night last night, judging by the scattered barking fits I heard. Whiskey started going crazy right before 7am, so no more April to November break from the barking. I figured as much and that it would become a year-round thing. I just gotta get used to it, for once and for all, because I’m going to live in the West all my life.

When I got up this evening I thought he’d be out and they’d be going off, but I didn’t hear a thing.

I canceled my account on thoughts.com as Marie and I both came to suspect their site was somehow causing problems on our computers. My browser has been taking forever to load since around the time I joined them, and videos have been freezing up, although Tom discovered that Flash was responsible for the freezes. I thought the MagicJack was what was taking the browser so long to load, but I don’t think it is.

I’m probably forgetting something, but am feeling too blah to think that hard. As it is it’s taken me forever just to write this entry.

SATURDAY, APRIL 24, 2010
It’s just after midnight now yet I’m still hearing scattered barks since early in the evening. Is Jesse really still out somewhere? Or is he passed out drunk up there, oblivious to his surroundings?

Marie’s getting pushy again about bugging me with so much email. It just comes out in the snide remarks she makes. Like she’s trying to make me feel guilty for it. “How many emails before you get pissy?” And “Oh shit, this is email #3, so I guess that’s it for me today.”

I just ignore her when she gets this way. I don’t understand why she thinks we need to report our every single move to each other. Even if I had time for nothing but email – how boring! What new news could I possibly have for her in just a few hours or less? I wish she’d get a job where she couldn’t email me so damn much! She’s doing it from her phone. It’s like the only time she can’t pester me is when she’s asleep! I thought she’d be working, not able to sit there and email me all through her shift. But she works alone and there isn’t much to do. She told me on the phone it only takes her 4 hours to get everything done.

I was wrong in assuming MagicJack was $40 a year. It’s only $20 a year. That’s a hell of a deal, considering that the last call to my folks was $10.

I try not to pay attention to the news cuz it only pisses me off, yet couldn’t help but spot something about a fundraising dinner in a liberal-leaning Oregon town.

What liberal-leaning Oregon town? As far as I’m concerned these days, Tom and I are the only libs west of Illinois. We met a lot of nice people up there, but don’t be fooled. If given the chance, they’d jump just as quickly as most folks would for the opportunity to run, control and interfere with everyone else’s business but their own. They’d be just as eager to make other people’s decisions for them right down to what they did in the privacy of their own home.

It’s about time they started cracking down on illegals like they’re starting to! But when are they going to do something about those who legally obtain citizenship here and hog jobs and other resources that are rightfully ours? Until they take care of everyone who wants to invade this country, legal or not, they’re only dealing with half the problem. I don’t have a problem with people visiting for 3-6 months or coming here for schooling or certain work-related projects, but after that, you should get the hell out. And I shouldn’t have the right to live in Spain just because I like speaking Spanish and think that a place that’s more gay-friendly is more likely to be Jew-friendly as well.

Anyway, my periods are coming later and therefore my PMS is lasting longer. I’m totally exhausted today and have really had to push myself at the job site. There’s plenty of work to be done tonight, but as tired and as busy as I am, I doubt I’ll get to work on my story or do much of anything else. I can’t even muster up enough energy to work out! I know I should give myself a break. I’ve made enough money for today. But I guess I just like making money, even when I’m tired. It helps make up for the days work is slow.

FRIDAY, APRIL 23, 2010
So there’s a warrant out for God knows what in my dreams last night, then I’m featured on a 1-hour series about wanted fugitives, and I’m all worried about my folks seeing it and freaking out.

Then we’re living in the cellar of what seems like a spacious enough house. Only problem is that very few houses in the west have cellars, and for some reason, we can’t live on the main floor for a while. Guess something was wrong with it. It looked like a nice enough house to be holed up in its cellar for a while.

Those are the only two dreams I remember.

I saw the trailer for the movie 2012. I don’t see how the world could possibly end the way they’re predicting. I mean it’s just not scientifically possible for all these natural disasters to occur at once all around the globe. Besides, everyone thought the world would end in 1999 yet it didn’t. So unless there’s some evil force far eviler than I ever dreamed possible that sets out to deliberately destroy the world at once, these things just can’t happen. And since when do tornados pick on New York anyway? And why have it end so violently if something up there wants it to end then? Just kill the sun and we’ll all die in half a second!

I believe the world will end in 100-200 years thanks to the sick twisted towel heads in the Middle East who will probably be able to nuke everyone by then. It’s usually Iran, Iraq, Pakistan and Palestine that cause most of the world’s problems, so I’m sure it will be spearheaded by one of them. They hate everyone.

If I’m wrong, though, and the world really does end in a couple of years, well then I won’t have to worry about money struggles for 40 more years or who’s going to take care of us when we get too old to fend for ourselves. It would suck to have to check out, though, just one year prior to getting our pension money, but hey, whatever’s meant to be is gonna be. I’m ok with whatever it is, though the thought of dying and what may lay beyond has always frightened me. I would still love to see the movie!

THURSDAY, APRIL 22, 2010
I spoke with Marie! She sounded nervous, insecure and shy as hell. She was like Paula in some ways, giggling erratically. Only she didn’t ramble on and on and rapidly switch subjects. She was more focused. It was super cool to hear her voice live and to actually talk to her. She was on her break at the time. I teased her about the fact that she sounds EXACTLY like Aileen Wuornos. She got a kick out of it, though she also assured me she was no murderer, LOL! Of course she also sounds like this cop I once knew and picked on. I love her voice either way.

When she told me it was to be down in the 20s tomorrow night I lost it. I thought we had it bad! It just sucks that one of her roommates drives her batty at times. Guess that’s her compensation for not having to pay rent.

She totally flattered the hell out of me by saying she reads everything I write and can’t wait to read my book when it’s done. It’s cool to have such a loyal fan who happens to be someone I love and am attracted to.

Paul also said he looks forward to my “bestseller,” though I’m sure it will be far from a bestseller, LOL.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 21, 2010
Marie and I were talking about how we still get angry at times when we think of those who have abused us in the past. Actually, I don’t “think” of them. They seem to randomly force their way into my mind when I least expect them to, and then I’m seething with the kind of rage that would undoubtedly end up sending me to prison for life if they suddenly appeared in the flesh before my eyes. That’s because the tables have turned with the hands of time and I’m now the one who could hurt them. Then again, I probably have enough anger alone to give me whatever strength it would take to break them in half. And I wouldn’t hesitate! Normally I can think ahead to the possible consequences my actions may bring, but not in their case if they suddenly materialized. I never want to see them again, but at the same time, I wish to hell they would show up here, though I know they never would even if they knew where I was. They wouldn’t have the balls to after screwing me over the way they did.

I remind myself that they can never hurt me again – not legally, not personally – and that helps. I don’t ever have to see my brother or uncle ever again who have caused my family a lot of grief over the years. And I never have to see anyone else in the family either. With my folks close to the end, it’s unlikely I’ll ever even see them again, but I’m ok with that and with keeping in touch by phone and mail for whatever time they have left, and I’m sure they agree.

For the longest time I worried about not being able to control myself should someone start shit with me at my folks’ funerals and that I may end up beating the shit out of them. But I already decided a long time ago (and I told my folks this) that it would be in everyone’s best interest that I do not attend their funerals. I can mourn their death from right here anyway, and all I’d be doing if I went back east would be getting in the way, putting myself in jail, and a few others in the hospital. My brother and uncle are getting up there in years now, and chances are they still smoke and aren’t nearly as fit as I am. They’d be too easy to hurt.

And then there’s my sister who later admitted that yes, she wanted me jailed for defending her and telling her abusive ex just what I’d like to do to him for abusing her and Lisa. She threatened me in a letter and phone call to Tom for sticking up for her, and she and the ex ultimately got me in jail for half a year, even if it didn’t have anything to do with her directly in the end. And then there are the thousands of dollars we lost on account of it all, so how the hell could I just stand there, smile, be polite, be “courteous” and not want to strangle her, too? A couple of rude messages from her kids are nothing compared to the hell she helped sic upon my husband and I.

I know my sister’s EXACT address. I could’ve faxed her local police department or sent the link to the site she threatened me on the same as she managed to do when she found out my whereabouts when we left Phoenix so she could send them to our door in Maricopa. But I chose not to be so childishly vindictive.

Same with the welfare bums in Phoenix. I could’ve called the cops when they were tossing sexual notes in our mail slot – a serious federal offense – and when they prank-called us, but I knew I could just ignore it and that no one could make me read or listen to anything I didn’t want to. I didn’t feel the need to spite them and to “get” them. Instead, I felt I had more important things to accomplish in life. And so I was the big one who turned the other cheek and moved on.

But put all these people in this room with me and the only “big one” would be the ones to survive my wrath. I would want them to survive too, so they could have to live with the memories of what I’d done to them.

I also used to worry for the longest time that if my parents left anything to Tom and I once they were gone, Tammy, being the executor of the will, would see to it that she kept our share and probably Larry’s as well. I don’t think my folks realize just how much she can’t be trusted. Of course she’s going to promise them she’ll carry out whatever their wishes may be, but I also know her better than my folks do. They don’t see her for the evil, selfish, vindictive, crazy bitch she can be, and maybe they don’t want to. What parent wants to see their kids that way?

It could be that my parents will die so broke that any money that may come from the sale of their home/cars has to pay off their debts, but I doubt it. I think my sister and her brood will get it all. The condo, the cars, the store, the personal items – everything.

But if that’s what’s meant to be, so be it. Ain’t nothing I can do about it. But by then we’ll either be dead or making what we need or more than what we need anyway.

I know, I know. I’m rambling on again about shit I’ve already been through. So why rehash it? I guess I just have to every now and then. I guess it just feels good to do this periodically because it’s good therapy for me. These aren’t things one ever forgets or gets over. You don’t help trash someone’s life and expect them to just forgive, forget and move on. It just doesn’t work that way.

Marie was telling me of how she uses drugs to help cope with her anger (the prescription kind that’s perfectly legal, of course), and while I don’t condemn her for coping in whatever way she sees fit, I couldn’t do that myself. Even if I had insurance which I still don’t expect to have for years, to me that’s like turning to alcohol or illegal drugs. No pill can make the problem go away, so I figure it’d be best to learn to cope on my own without the side effects, costs and addictions that can come with relying on medication. I’ve been there before and for me personally, life has been much, much better since I quit the pill-popping. If anything I’m calmer overall and much perkier. Again, though, to each their own. We all gotta do whatever works best for us, just like Mary turned to God as a coping mechanism.

Mary. Haven’t heard from her since Christmas and I’m beginning to wonder if I ever will.

Anyway, to sum it all up, when I worry about hurting Larry, Tammy or Ronnie, I remind myself that I don’t ever have to see those people again in the first place – and I know I won’t – and so there’s nothing to worry about, not that I’d feel guilty for kicking the crap out of them. Just worried about my own ass going to jail.

These people could get caught in a fire or a car wreck, and I wouldn’t feel any different than if it were some stranger in Wyoming.

And I’ve quit worrying about everything going to Tammy and the brood, too. I just hope that when she’s living high off the hog and if we’re still struggling like we were lazy bums who just don’t give a damn God will be a little bit nicer to us in the next life – if there is one – and compensate us for the unfairness we’ve endured in this life.

Paula sent a message saying she was lonely, and could I hook her up with a guy in the Springfield area? No, I told her, but she can try the Yahoo! personals or something like that herself.

My buddies at the incense/perfume site didn’t have CocoMusk or Hot Buttered Popcorn in roll-on options, but Elliot said they would be added. I want to get those when I make my next order.

Starting in July I should be able to put about $100 a month towards savings and still have $20 - $30 to play around with. Meanwhile, I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it’s going to be years before Tom’s working again.

TUESDAY, APRIL 20, 2010
My day started off with me in a pissy-ass mood because I woke up both hungry and in pain. That back molar of mine has been driving me crazy lately. Tom and I can’t figure out why it just won’t die. I guess something up there likes to see me deal with chronic pain. I’m trying not to take pain relievers unless it’s really obnoxious so as to toughen myself up. Especially since the tooth is obviously not going to die.

Then I just had to ruin my free sample of Spanish chocolate milk by overheating it in the microwave and causing it to boil over and make a mess.

Then it’s cold and rainy again. We had a hailstorm for a while, but now it’s just cold and rainy. I worry this is going become a regular trend here and that it will no longer be warm most of the year like it’s supposed to be. Last night didn’t get as cold as I thought it would because it stayed at 57ºout there for quite a while. But then after 1am, it started dropping both inside and out.

Lastly, the dogs went off if only for a few minutes. Tom said it’s cuz they heard me throwing stuff around. I’m sorry, LOL, but dogs can’t hear that well and we’re not that close!

The heater breaking turned out to be a blessing because the oven has been doing a much better job of heating the place with very little propane. There’s no doubt that there are holes in the heating vents below the trailer. Since we’ve shut the vents we’ve had no mice in here, though most of them probably get in through the pipes.

On colder nights, all we have to do is set the oven to low and it cycles on and off and keeps the kitchen and living room comfy. I just use the portable in the bedroom. So now we should be saving a ton of money for however many more winters we’re here.

But how many will that be? And WHEN will we ever be allowed to get ahead in life???

Marie and I are going to have our first live talk tomorrow at 11pm my time when she’s on her lunch break. That ought to be fun.

Paula did send that picture she wanted to send and she replied to the message I sent her on Gmail. Justin created a new account for her since she didn’t like the name of the other one. I told her to contact me on Yahoo! since that’s the account I usually use, though I just might go with Gmail myself since my Yahoo box is being bombarded with spam to no end that just won’t hit the spam box. If I’m just going to get harassed to use that account, it may be worth switching.

So Paula sent a full-page picture of herself she printed from the computer with a floral border. It’s pretty nice. She said she’s also going to send money to cover shipping costs soon, so I can send her CDs and other stuff.

I’m going to send her a letter with the new number because knowing her, it will be 10 years before she does email again.

On a roll again with the writing after getting stuck in a rut and not sure where to go next with the story. I have trouble keeping things going. I don’t want too much action, but I don’t want it to be boring either. I think I’m now moving along at a steady enough pace, and Paul is quick to help compare US dollars to euros when I need him to since the story is set in Italy.

Tom had me cracking up last night. He said he started to read some of the story and said to himself, “Does she even have any idea that this makes absolutely no sense at all?” Then he realized that he was starting with the second chapter, LOL. I had been emailing him one chapter at a time, and I guess he thought he was starting at the beginning when he wasn’t.

MONDAY, APRIL 19, 2010
Triond accepted and published my poem on authspot.com, but sure enough, it’s only generated 3 views and no money in the 15 hours it’s been there.

The weather’s getting cooler and cloudier. It was great for running today, but I can tell it’s going to be freezing in here tonight.

I’m now following the site on Twitter I get my perfume oils so I can know when they get in new scents to try.

SUNDAY, APRIL 18, 2010
Last night the economy was eating at me and really getting me down. I’d be fine one minute, then thinking about how those 99 weeks of extensions are almost up. Who I should send final letters and messages to if we didn’t make it started going through my mind.

Then today both Tom and Marie cheered me up with their assurance that everything will work out because there’ll either be jobs or they’ll keep the extensions going.

Marie’s such a sweetie in saying she’d take care of me if worse came to worse, but I don’t think she realizes just how much easier said than done that would be. For one, I couldn’t expect her to take care of Tom too, and I certainly wouldn’t leave him behind to suffer. I also couldn’t live with 1 smoker let alone 3 since she has 2 roommates. It also wouldn’t be easy to just go to her or for her to just drop her life and come to us. I know she would still do whatever she could and I really appreciate that. It means a lot to me. Especially since I know that no one else would give a damn, and those few that might, wouldn’t be able to help. Why is it that it’s usually those who can help that don’t give a damn anyway???

Marie left a message on my MJ last night. It was nice to hear that deep, totally hot voice of hers again. She sort of reminds me of Laurie, this cop I once picked on both by myself and then with Andy and Fran before leaving MA.

Jesse motorcycled out of here at 2:30. I’m surprised he stayed in that long. Tom said he heard the ATV softly buzzing about around 8am. I still wonder where he goes with it and why “Dick and Marie” were parked at the foot of their drive the other day. It’s not a private driveway. There are a few other residents that use the drive leading to their house. Their truck is an out-of-stater for sure. Tom said he can’t swear it was Arizona, though he thinks it was. We could only see the front of the truck so that’s how we know it’s at least an out-of-stater. California, as well as Oregon, requires plates in front. Oh well. If it was connected to “them” I would think that “they” would’ve pounced by now. And I accuse Marie of being paranoid!

Anyway, Jesse left and all remained quiet. The barking is definitely, definitely connected to the colder weather. No doubt about it. Maybe the damn dogs just need coats for the winter. Maybe that will “trick” them into thinking it’s warmer.

I exchanged emails with Paul, Jessie poked me, and work is slow. So I’m trying to work on my neglected story while doing laundry, but haven’t been able to focus yet.

Last night I had a dream that Emily B died of cancer. Hmmm…today Emily would be 65 years old. We lived a block apart when I first went out on my own when I was 20 years old, and our buildings were owned by the same people. We’d talk on the phone and visit each other, though I would usually go to her place since she was right by some stores I frequently shopped at. By the time I moved to the projects, we had drifted apart. I don’t even know if she’s still in Springfield, or even if she’s in MA. I hope she’s ok, wherever she is. I tried to look her up on Facebook but got too many hits on her name. My curiosity just isn’t strong enough to risk sifting through 500 possibilities.

Later…

Jesse just got back. I just hope the dogs don’t let me know it if he leaves in the truck later on. After all, it is cooling down out there.

Someone on one of the journal sites was talking about diet pills making them feel like shit along with crash diets. I told them they’re smart to forget the lose-20-pounds-in-14-days BS. Like several others have lately, they asked how I lost the 30 pounds I’ve lost so far.

The 3 most important elements are diet, exercise and Oolong tea.

To copy in what I told her, I found that the key is in scheduling the things I eat at 2-hour intervals and keeping my calorie intake the same. Back when I was having small things that were around 100 calories, then a big meal of about 500 calories, I found it stretched my tummy out and made me hungrier. Timing and portion size are EVERYTHING. It will take a few days to get used to it, though. Just work out 15-30 min. a day by running or riding a bike. Maybe do some ab crunches, too. Have one cup of tea a day. You can usually find a 100-bag box on eBay for $10, but your grocery store may carry it, too.

Lastly, if you get up at 8am, you’ll want to eat at 10am, noon, 2pm, 4pm, 6pm, 8pm and 10pm. Here’s an example of what I eat. Remember, the calories need to be 25-200 for each thing you eat and you’re going to eat 7 times a day. Drink water and calorie-free or no-calorie drinks.

1 pork chop or chick leg/wing or a baked potato w/ a little margarine (about 200 cals)

1 banana or bowl of oatmeal (100-160 cals)

A fruit cup. I usually get diced peaches (25-35 cals)

1 Slim-Fast meal bar or shake (200 cals)

1 vanilla ice cream stick with chocolate shell (130 cals)

Meat & cheese slices (around 100 cals)

Yogurt or an apple (80 cals)

It’s okay if you don’t like these foods. This is just a sample layout.

Tom and I are going to build a rack for my roll-on perfumes. I don’t think it’s worth buying one at the wholesale site for $50. This is definitely a better way to smell good smells as opposed to that messy incense, so I’ll probably accumulate a little collection over time. There’s nothing like smelling like a hot fudge brownie or a bunch of carnations!

Later…

Paul said he could see some of the ash from the volcano that erupted in Iceland, though not at night. Must seem kind of strange! He described how he writes in spurts and that’s how it is with me. Sometimes my stories are just crawling along and other times I’m tapping away at the keyboard so furiously you’d think I was playing the piano.

Marie and I chatted for a few minutes which I still like to do every now and then. I tease her about being a good dog who’s very trainable and she agrees, LOL. So she hasn’t sent a zillion emails since I can’t seem to control my curiosity when I see I have new messages. And therefore I’m getting more done, even if I still get lazy at times with my story. I’m going to try to crank out chapter 7 at some point today because work is slow.

Maybe I’ll publish this story with triond.com someday, though I would only get half the revenue it makes from what I read. Still beats the 5% in royalties most publishers are willing to share with their authors.

Jesse’s been gone since before I got up at noon and all has been quiet. Yeah, but will it be that way when he goes to work tomorrow at 5am?

Back to Marie – she really does have a heart of gold. While no one wants things to ever get so bad that they have to depend on anyone else, she was so sweet when she said that of course she’d help Tom out too, if worse came to worse with us, because she knows we’re a package deal and believes in helping friends. That is a hell of a generous, caring person! And she’s never even met Tom, and of course, she hasn’t seen me in 26 years. It will probably be 28 years by the time she gets out here, but better later than never. Gives my hair time to get some considerable length. It’s still not that long yet, especially when left curly. I’ve got the curliest hair in my family!

Ok, that’s it from the real world. Now it’s off to Never Never Land to see what other adventures I can create in my book.

SATURDAY, APRIL 17, 2010
Today has been warm and quiet yet Jesse’s not home. Maybe there is hope for a bark-free summer after all, but I won’t hold my breath.

Some days I just can’t do anything right. I accidentally hot-keyed in the cell number for Marie instead of the MJ number. At least I got to hear that hot, sexy voice of hers again. It totally turns me on. She’s got a very confident-sounding voice. She laughed and said that at least she got to hear what Tom’s voice sounds like, and she’s sorry for being a fucktard. LOL, at least she kept it clean. Tom’s cool and it’s not like he couldn’t deal with it, but it would seem weird having her leave a dirty message for me on his phone. On my phone, anything goes! As always, there’s just something that turns me on about the way she uses my first and middle name, though I don’t know what it is.

Back in my days of entering sweeps, robo wouldn’t fill in flash forms and so we set up hotkeys. Control + S fills in my address, Control + D my DOB, etc. The cell is Control + N, and N is just two keys away from V, so instead of pasting the new number into my message to her with the V key, I hit the N.

Then I had to fuck up again when I redid my outgoing message. I don’t know how, but when Tom tested it from his phone, you would hear me, and then the automated message. So after researching their near-worthless help center to learn to do something that shouldn’t have to be so damn complicated, we got my voice off and just left the automated one on. So when she calls tonight that’s what she’ll hear till I call her at work within the next few weeks or so.

She also sent a fantastic picture a coworker took of her. Her face and her hair looked great. It’s not too short. I never did care for those crew-cut styles anyway. She’s not at all fat either and definitely looks younger than 43.

She refriended me on Facebook, but I’m sure we’ll get pissed at each other again soon enough. It seems like every other month or so we lose it on one another for something or another. Somehow I think there’ll always be a place in my heart for her no matter what, LOL, and I’ll always be her girl even if we can never be together. I still hope she’ll meet someone that’s available and that will make her happy, but I also hope she will still think of me every now and then at least in the shower when she does meet someone.

I will admit I play with her at times in a mean way and push her buttons like when I put words like Marie, email, fucktard, obsession, crazy, misunderstands and paranoid when tagging one of my entries on thoughts.com. I deleted one of my nasty rants. Despite her jumping the gun on me and irritating me at times and my reacting with such lovely and creative tags, I would never want to deliberately and knowingly hurt her in any way. I care too much for her and would rather completely ignore her than burn her in any way that goes beyond colorful tags.

I still want to see her too, even if it may not be such a smart idea. I guess the best thing to do is wait till she’s got time and money available, then decide this.

Eileen took her granddaughter, now in her terrible twos, for storytime at Barnes & Noble. But the kid started kicking the other kids and so they had to leave. I replied by saying she sounds like I was as a kid!

I was glad to hear the people that got screwed out of their unemployment and who had exhausted all their extensions are getting paid back for the weeks they lost, though I hope no one had to hit the streets before they could get paid. At first I asked myself, “What do you care if those people got screwed? You hate most people anyway, and you know most of them are probably assholes.” But knowing they got paid gives me better peace of mind for Tom and I.

I spent some time vacuuming and rearranging under the bathroom and kitchen sinks. What a mess those mice make! I think a rat must’ve been in there at one point. Some of the turds were too big for a mouse and none of our rats have ever been in there.

I love this summery weather, even if it may not last long. The trailer doesn’t get any newer or bigger, but I just love all the fresh air and the privacy we have here!

FRIDAY, APRIL 16, 2010
My Mac has officially been MagicJacked! Tom wanted to look at microphones since my microphone doesn’t work in Windows, which is what I prefer to use over OSX, but I didn’t see the point in getting one.

I gave Eileen and Marie the number, which is easy to remember, and Marie’s gonna leave me a message when I’m asleep. It would be nice to have her voice in my voicemail, as much as we get on each other’s nerves at times. I’ll call her on one of her breaks sometime soon enough.

They didn’t have an Auburn prefix; only Marysvale, Folsom, Paradise, Roseville, Chico and a few other places. I think I chose Chico.

I called my folks and spoke to them both. I told them we didn’t have the new phones yet so we couldn’t all talk, but we’d be getting them soon. Best Buy didn’t have the set we wanted, so we’ll probably order it online. The cashier, who looked to be in her late 40s to early 50s was pretty funny, referring to Tom as “sweetheart” and “love bug.”

I accidentally talked over my folks as there is a lag. When Tom called to test it from his cell phone when we were setting it up, I could clearly hear his “hello” over the phone a second after he actually said it. He says I shout on the phone, too. Oh well, LOL.

Anyway, backing up to when we were out before I get back to Mom and Dad, we also went and picked up the perfume roll-ons I ordered (that Love spell by Victoria’s Secret is to die for), and then to McDonald’s where we got our first real treat in a long time since we began dieting. We don’t like to do fast food too often anyway as it’s costly and unhealthy if you get to doing it as often as we used to. Keeps it special this way anyway. I savored that burger even though it had the pickles and relish I asked them not to include. The rat ate it instead and loved every bit of it as well as some of the bun and a French fry. The fries were delicious too, even though they were cold and soggy, and my caramel sundae was way awesome.

So Mom, Dad and I talked about a variety of things. I asked them what they thought of the healthcare reform thing and they said it was good, but glad that by the time anything could affect them in a bad way, they’d be gone. Yeah, it’s kind of sad to be relieved that my parents will be gone so they won’t have to suffer, but that’s just the way it is.

They said it’s getting hot there again after having the worst winter ever. This has certainly been our worst winter and spring in Cali, but it was warm today.

Their poodle, Max, is going to be 7 tomorrow.

We also talked about the package they sent and they said they’ll be sending another one in a week or so for both Tom and me. It’s a good thing this place has a closet 3 times the size of the two we had in the Oregon house! And that I’ve got lots of spare hangers.

We talked about the economy, too. As I told them, I wish I was one of those who never worry about anything unless trouble is actually upon them, but I’m a major worry wart by nature. I worry about them stopping the checks before the jobs return, and I worry about who’s going to take care of us when we’re older.

Thousands of people have already run out of extensions and it’s sad that this country won’t take care of its own. Yet it will be quick to cart millions off to terrorists in Palestine.

They said they were always determined to never have to depend on any of their kids, and while I understand this, I assured them that if they ever needed a place to stay, they could stay with us. I told Mom I would just have to chase her around with the rat every time she nagged me too much about my comforter not matching my drapes or some silly thing like that.

How things change with time and age! I think the vast majority of us spend our 20s making stupid mistakes, wasting money, dressing like sluts, living in the moment, and basically not caring about anyone else. Then we get older and we scramble to save, we take fewer risks, we swap in the wild clothes for something more casual, then we worry about our future and our parents.

I don’t know where that adventurous side of me came from. It seems Tom brought it out of me, though I doubt he was aware of his own boldness at the time, yet we found we had this adventurous side we never knew existed. Then together we took risks and lived on the edge. I regret it just as much as I loved every single crazy, hectic minute of it. We know that had we never done some of the things we’ve done, we’d always be left to wonder what it would have been like.

Growing old both excites and terrifies me and I’m not afraid to say so. I wouldn’t mind knowing that I’ve only got a handful of years left to worry about money and the world’s twisted unfairness. But the thought of dying – alone or not – and what may await me on the other side, if there is “another side,” really scares the heck outa me.

Anyway, we are doing our best to save what we can without depriving ourselves completely of life. We all gotta live a little. This doesn’t mean spending hundreds of dollars on all kinds of crap, but the occasional fast food runs we make are nice. I turned to Tom a few months ago when we first discovered the Turk and began to save, shook my head and said, “This could all be for nothing. If we don’t survive this economy, all our savings could be for nothing since we couldn’t possibly save enough to survive on if they stop the checks in October, so let’s live a little along the way.” And he agreed.

She pointed out that Tom, as my husband, is obligated to take care and provide for me. And he always has. But if they stop the checks before he can get a job, it won’t be his fault.

Anyway, when life gets me down and I think of how we may be forced to choose between being homeless and hungry or simply killing ourselves, I try to focus on what we do have and not people being uninsured, poverty, legalized discrimination, or our much-needed money going to other countries. Yeah, we might have to kill ourselves next October, since I’m just not tough enough to go hungry on the streets, but not today. Not today.

If we do survive, my dreams in life are simple and that’s just to have a modest house in a few years with a few grand in savings. I don’t care if I never become a published author that makes millions of dollars. I don’t care if PCH never comes to our door. And I don’t care if I can’t stay thin all my life and learn more languages. If these things still happen – great, but I’m already officially in the quadrilingual zone, and I’d say that’s more than most people can claim. I remind myself of these things when I dwell on my shortcomings. I don’t have 5K in savings right now and I may have vision and sleep problems, but I could write this entry in Spanish or Italian and I could sign it, too! Woo-hoo! I can even sing about as good as your average pop star, excluding the extremes like Mariah Carey, Whitney Houston and Barbara Streisand.

I still can’t believe there are still people in the world, like Mike Huckabee, who actually believe the efforts to allow gays and lesbians to marry are comparable to legalizing incest, polygamy and drug use. That’s like saying the efforts to raise money for cancer are comparable to beating the crap out of one’s wife and children! Someone needs to show this loser the statistics. 82% of the child molesters in this world are straight males. And drug use and promiscuity are no more or less present in the gay community than in the hetero community.

THURSDAY, APRIL 15, 2010
Marie admitted she felt hurt and that’s why she lashed out at me, though her door is still open to me. As I told her, she didn’t do anything wrong in the way that my sister and the sick twists in Arizona have, she’s just annoying at times with her silly paranoia and sometimes too many messages when I’m trying to work. As I reminded her, no one’s perfect, but if she can just take what I say at face value and understand my busyness has nothing to do with her, that would really help. It’s not her fault, as I also told her, that I can’t always control my own inbox-diving habit and that I keep checking and responding to emails when I know I should be working. I need to learn to stay outa my inbox when I’m busy. But I get paranoid as well and start thinking that if I let so many hours pass by before I check/reply to messages from her, she’ll think something’s wrong or I’m pissed at her. Nonetheless, I’ll work on keeping out of my box when I’m busy.

Alison totally knows what I’m going through with her. There’s this girl who’s been stalking her online and joins every single site she joins. She says these types are toxic and never happy. That is a very good way to describe Marie as much as I still, and probably always will, have a place in my heart for her.

The question is, did she set up an additional account to “comment” on her entry to make it look like others sympathized with her because I tell her she’s driving me away? The thing that made me wonder is A, the user name is jodiecolts. Well, my name’s Jodi without the e, and the Colts are her favorite football team. B, the account is empty. There’s no user info. No location, no DOB, no nothing. While it’s not impossible, it also seems strange that she would get a comment after just a few entries while I have over 20 entries and 0 comments. C, this person has just one entry that was left a couple of days ago, saying she still misses her husband after 10 years and wonders if she should go back to him. She even has a poll asking what people think. Marie left a comment on the entry empathizing with her and saying she still hopes “her girl” comes back to her. The writing style is a bit different, but if it’s her, she may’ve gone out of her way to make sure of that.

We’ve got yet another round of mice we’ve been trapping. This place has been absolutely terrible as far as mice go. Once in a while would be fine, but here it’s one after another. Again, I can totally see why they couldn’t keep anyone here.

Also, our little freeloaders in back are shooting again. I can’t swear 100% that it’s them doing it, but it’s the same gun that’s been a problem before. They fired a single shot. Then another shot a minute later. Then 3 shots in rapid succession a minute later. I just hope this isn’t going to be a regular thing!

Heading out soon to get the MagicJack, pick up the mail, and enjoy a treat of burgers and fries!

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14, 2010
Apparently, Marie and I are done with each other and that’s ok with me. She needs to move on, and I’m sick of dealing with her drama. Again, I care about her very much and wish her the best, but no relationship – be it friends, cyber, or live-in – should be this much work. I can’t deal with her paranoia anymore and her reading things into the things I say that aren’t even there. I just can’t.

She’s convinced that my asking that she cut down the number of daily emails to me because I’m busy really means I’m bored with her and want out. Oh, I want out now, alright. But it’s only because I’m tired of her childish mood swings and expecting me to play email with her every chance she gets to do it. She just couldn’t understand that I need to be doing other things in life, and sometimes I just don’t want to do email or even anything computer-related. Sometimes I just need a break.

Oh, and I have a roof over my head and food to eat, but I’m still not happy, she says. Yeah, and if I keep playing email with her so much of the time when I should be working, then we won’t have a roof over our heads or food to eat, and if we do, it won’t be by much. And no, I’m not happy being on unemployment for a year and a half. This isn’t the “ideal” life or what we came here for.

She just doesn’t get that just because she’s got free time when she’s awake and a lot of free time at work, doesn’t mean I do. I really think this is why she dropped out of class. I think she was so focused on me that that’s part of why her grade dropped. Unless she’s got a set time she has to be in class, these classes are online and open 24/7, so how her new shift can be to blame as she says makes no sense. But like I said, maybe there’s something I don’t know.

So instead of being understanding, she took it all wrong and handled it very childishly and immaturely by going off on me and then deleting me from sites we’re “friends” at. I hate to admit it, but she’s kind of doing us both a favor. I really think she needs to move on. Not just because she overwhelms me at times with all the attention, but because she needs to meet someone who can give her what I can’t. Or at least try to meet someone who can. A relationship may not be meant to be for her, but she’ll never know it if she’s glued to her inbox playing email with me all day.

I’ve decided not to read/answer any of her future emails/feedback to me, and if I have to mark her as spam, I will. I doubt I’ll follow her journal either over on Thoughts. Her overbearing ways, paranoia and misunderstanding of my intentions so much of the time have just gotten to be way too much for me. I wish her the best of love, luck, money and happiness, but that’s it, I’m outa here.

TUESDAY, APRIL 13, 2010
I think I shall start this entry off with Marie. Only it can’t go online because it will upset her. Why? Well, because I’m sick of her! I certainly have my share of mixed emotions about her anyway. Of course I still love her. Of course I feel bad she’s lonely. Of course I feel bad she’s having a hard time coming to terms with her past. But I’m sick of the zillions of emails every single fucking day and I’m sick of her problems and immaturity. She may not be the dumbest person alive, but I’m sorry, I still see a very 20-something woman in her who will probably never grow up. I don’t know how to describe it, but it comes out in her words. There’s a difference between young at heart and immature.

I feel almost as smothered by her as I do by Tom’s constant presence. I know that if I asked her to cut back the emails she would, but I also don’t want to hurt her, and I know it would. Yet a part of me sometimes feels like telling her, “I want just one email a day from you, and don’t come to see me either!” But I just don’t want to push away someone who feels she’s been pushed away all her life and make her think I don’t care because I do. It isn’t that I don’t want to hear about her problems or communicate with her. But I have my own problems, even though it’s not like she’s always down and out, but she is definitely a distraction that is taking up too much of my time. I keep hoping that she’ll meet someone to break her obsession and take the attention off of me, but at her age, she’s bound to be alone forever. I know that’s what I once thought too, but I was in my 20s when I thought this, not my 40s.

I am a person who normally prefers the blunt and direct alternative, but since I’m dealing with someone rather fragile, I think that instead of asking her to back off, I’ll just be “busier” more often. Maybe she’ll get sick of that and gradually lose interest in me, even though she swears she’ll “love” me forever.

She says she keeps things bottled up and has problems asking for help or sharing her pain. And so she lets things build up till she explodes. She doesn’t drink or do anything else self-destructive that I know of, but I guess she gets depressed. I can’t say she’s weak. She’s actually tough in many ways. Tougher than me to have survived 6 months on the streets. But she’s fragile at the same time. I know I can’t help what she does, but I don’t want to dump her and risk her hitting the beer again because of it.

Damnit! She’s already up. She usually doesn’t start with the emails till after 1pm, but here it is just after 10:30 and she’s asking if I read her second blog. I sent her the link and she joined thoughts.com. I’m glad her entries are usually short and sweet because writing is not only not her strong point, but is filled with childish drama, obsessive love for me, sex, and is usually so poorly written it’s hard to follow.

I’m probably going to regret giving her my new number, but I will anyway. I would still like to chat every so often.

She told me she had to drop out of a couple of classes due to time management, saying it was easier to keep up with on 2nd shift versus 3rd. Only she goes to school online and can study 24/7, right? I mean, I didn’t think she had a scheduled chat-like session class but don’t know for sure. I’ll ask later. I didn’t say anything to her, but I really think she fell behind because of being too focused on me.

She admits she feels shitty by the fact that she wants some other guy’s wife, but can’t help what she feels at the same time and so she just runs with it while assuring me she’d never make me do anything I didn’t want to do.

It’s funny because I always thought it would be kind of cool, as strange as it may sound, to have a woman I was attracted to be so into me (as opposed to someone like Nervous who I wasn’t the least bit into in return). And while I pictured her to be a little better looking and a lot more stable, the attention is flattering and I love how she’s such a loyal fan of both my journal and stories and reads everything I write. Still, she’s just too much for me at times!

Tom went to the store, Paul became a grandfather again, Marie wants to get a webcam, and the weather still sucks. It’s going to warm up gradually into the weekend, then get cold and rainy again next week. Why don’t we just skip summer altogether this year?

Tom read that the entire county of Klamath has an unemployment rate of 15%! I guess we really would have been screwed had we stayed up there in Oregon or left a year later since by then he’d never have gotten all the overtime he got! Scary how we skirt disaster so often in life.

Gonna be busy working and writing, plus I want to do some spring cleaning, not that we’re having much of a spring, and organize things around the place. So I won’t be online much other than the job site.

MONDAY, APRIL 12, 2010
It was exactly two years ago that we moved into this little old trailer. Only difference is that the weather was beautiful like it’s supposed to be in April, not cold and rainy as if it were January. It was also quiet, too. I still don’t know if the barking is still going on because of the weather or if it’s going to be a year-round thing from now on no matter what. But as long as it stays wintry here, we’ll never know. Either way, this is as quiet as it gets for being in the West. I should be lucky to only have 5 hours a day of barking to deal with as obnoxious as it is. Most everyone else has that, plus the car stereos, plus screaming kids, and definitely not as much privacy.

We’re supposed to be getting 60 gallons of propane today which is now down to $120, but I won’t hold my breath. Chances are they’ll be out tomorrow instead.

SUNDAY, APRIL 11, 2010
I asked Marie, my most loyal fan, to see if she could guess who “Melina” has a crush on in the book I’m currently working on. She guessed right, damn it, so I guess I’m not yet as surprising as I would like to be. At least I surprised her with Melina’s history.

Another friend of mine (Alison) said, “The part where Melina journaled about her real mom (the police/gun part) seemed a little stiff or too sudden or something but then again it fits with Melina’s personality.”

One of the staff on the UK Author site emailed me to inform me I had some nice comments on the Stacey/Riana story, no doubt in hopes of me buying a membership, but I just thanked her and simply checked out the comments instead that came in another email.

To answer some questions now – yes, they always check on sites like Copyscape and Dupecop for plagiarism when you post/submit stories. Yes, I really know quite a bit of Italian, but even more Spanish and ASL. Which is better, my Italian or Portuguese? That’s a tough one because while I’ve put more time into the Italian, Portuguese is more similar to Spanish. My worst two languages right now are German and French. No, I did not grow up in the desert. I grew up in New England. Read my fucking bio! No, none of these characters are based on people I know. At least not so far anyway. Will I always live in Cali? Probably. If not, then maybe Nevada.

Yesterday turned out to be a quiet day, but the weather is still shitty. It was nice for a couple of days, but now we’re back to cold, wet weather that just never ends. As I said to Tom, how much you wanna bet it wouldn’t be so unusually cold if our main heater hadn’t blown out?

The propaners are coming tomorrow. Supposed to be anyway.

SATURDAY, APRIL 10, 2010
Yesterday turned out to be a fun day, even if we spent more money than we should have. I didn’t meet my daily chapter goal because we were just too busy. First we went to pick up the check and then cash it. Then we went to CVS and Save Mart.

At one point I saw a woman who was around 21 years old with 3 little kids. Unless they were little brothers, sisters or cousins, which I doubt, I couldn’t help but feel sorry for her having so many kids so young. Waste of youth, waste of life. Why some women would want to end their lives before they even have a chance to begin is beyond me, but what do we know at 21? Had guys been my regular thing at that age I just may’ve made the same mistake.

Ended up getting a new straightening iron for just $20 that is way high-tech compared to the one I’ve had since Phoenix. It says you can use it on wet hair, but they should change that to damp. If the hair is too wet it will curl back up. But now I don’t have to wait half a day while my hair takes forever to dry to straighten it with a flat iron that only lets you do a few strands of hair at a time and on one setting. With this one, I can straighten my hair in just 4 swipes, plus my bangs which I already have to trim again even though I just trimmed them a week or so ago. This one gets hotter too, and heats up in just 30 seconds. It has a light that stops blinking when it’s fully heated. I had to wait 10 minutes for my other one to heat up.

I also got some other odds and ends like bath gloves, a back brush and a new tongue scraper so I don’t get that oral yeast infection again that I had a while ago.

Lastly, I got some black socks I’ve been needing, and new earbuds that allow me to insert them into my artificial ear canal because of how they’re shaped.

Now here’s where things get a little strange. I’m almost positive we don’t have anything to worry about, but nonetheless, it’s – well – weird. It was until Tom pointed out some things anyway. As we were winding our way down the driveway, we were almost to the bottom of it when it first appeared like someone was coming up the drive. Instead, they entered the driveway to the very left of it, stopped, waved to us and rolled down their windows.

A seemingly nice couple in their late 40s to early 50s introduced themselves as Dick and Marie who have been living for 12 years in this cute little house alongside the drive about halfway up it. I always used to feel bad for them, assuming Jesse’s motorcycle, which practically rides along their roof what with the way the land slopes downward at that side of the drive and upward on the other side, had to be a real annoyance.

They asked us if we had a dog. When we said no, they mentioned barking that was driving them crazy. My first thought was yay, someone’s finally fed up with Jesse letting his dogs go crazy when he’s not home (and that they must originally be from the East)! But then they said it kept them up all night and that they know Jesse has dogs, but it isn’t his dogs they’ve been hearing. Or the hound dogs that go off when the train goes by, wherever they are.

As much as I empathized with them, I was bummed to realize they were referring to someone else’s dogs after all. “Oh well, we’ll find it,” said the woman, and I thought to myself, Yeah, and it won’t do you any good when you do. People wouldn’t let their dogs bark all night in the first place if they gave a damn about their neighbors.

They said they’ve seen us coming and going before when I mentioned being here for two years. They probably met Jesse during one of his many driveway adventures.

So then we go to take off and Tom’s looking in the rearview mirror. “Why are they heading up to our place?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” I say, “to see if Jesse’s home so they can ask him who might own the dog?”

I noticed Tom looked worried 10 minutes later when we were on Grass Valley Highway, and I said, “You’re not worried they’re going to break in, are you?”

“Yeah, I’m worried,” he said.

Shit, it’s not even 9:30 and Jesse’s already out and about on the ATV doing God knows what. I figured he would be since we didn’t hear from him yesterday. I think he did go to work after all but just left later than usual. And let me guess…he’s going to motorcycle on out of here within the next few hours till around 5:00 and leave us with the barking. Then he’ll return for 5 minutes and then take off till the evening or maybe even midnight, leaving us with even more barking, right?

And my wonderful yet always-home husband is going to distract me when I try to do today’s chapter, correct? Maybe I should just wait till I’m on nights again.

Anyway, to try to get through this entry, I told Tom I hadn’t had any bad vibes or dreams and that the couple didn’t seem like the type to break into people’s houses, even though they did say something like, “Oh yeah, you’re the people in the trailer.” So they’ve probably seen it before, even though you’d have to almost drive right up to it to see it because of all the steep hills. Once it comes into view you’re looking down on its roof, then you drive down into the clearing to pull up to it if that makes any sense. Jesse could’ve mentioned he has a trailer on his land that he rents out, but I got the impression they’d actually seen it at one point. Still, I wasn’t worried.

Then as we were coming back I said I hoped I was right about not believing or sensing that they broke into the place, even though I’d go for Jesse’s nice house before a dumpy old trailer. Who would believe the people who lived in this place had thousands of dollars worth of high-tech electronics and about 10K worth of dolls?

“Didn’t they say they’ve been here 12 years?” Tom asked as we were entering the driveway.

“Yeah, why?” I said.

“Because I could swear they had Arizona plates.”

Oh, shit!

Yeah, that was my first thought. That the sickos we had for neighbors in Arizona were still obsessed with me, they had found me, and maybe their little pig pal was helping them to get at me again, too! What happened to me wasn’t just about a hate crime. It was about obsession.

And there they were again, Dick and Marie, tending to their land.

Could it be? Could it really be some kind of a stakeout on us? The Arizona plates. The fact that they were there when we left and there again when we returned. Jesse hanging out in the drive so often. The fact that they’re barely half a mile away yet the only dogs we can hear inside the trailer are Jesse’s unless they come onto the land like the ones in back used to do.

But then Tom assured me that he’d seen Marie around before, the sound of the barking couldn’t wrap around the curvy hillside, and that the nut jobs down in Arizona would never have their way with me again.

That’s true. They won’t have their way with me again. Not legally. Not illegally. But I wonder just how many more years my first thoughts are going to be of them when something seems a bit odd until I understand all there is to know about it.

FRIDAY, APRIL 9, 2010
Just posted chapter 3. I would have posted it yesterday, but I was distracted by the nice surprise that showed up at the mail place from my folks. It figures I just had to send them a letter too, and that our mail had to cross paths, but I didn’t mind sending another one out, though, to thank them for thinking of me.

I really appreciate their generosity too, and will definitely enjoy these clothes for many years to come, even if some of it is too big on me and not my favorite styles/colors. Two of the three dresses they sent are gorgeous. There were also some nighties and some bras I can’t wear for two reasons. One is that I’m a 34C and not 36B. I also prefer sports bras cuz the straps don’t slip off my scrawny shoulders that way and I get better support when I’m running. There were also several tops and pants and a jacket, too.

I can’t see myself throwing away such nice clothes just because a few pieces may not fit, so I’m going to drop them off at the Goodwill.

I’m going to be quitting smoking again in a whole different way real soon once my incense runs out. From now on I’ll just use those plug-in air fresheners and get my favorite scents in the form of perfume roll-ons like the order I’m waiting on now, rather than sticks which makes such a mess. I’ve got to wash a lot of doll clothes thanks to the yucky residue all the smoke has left. Smoke is such a disgusting, nasty thing!

Marie and I still swap emails every day. I just don’t always mention her because she’s a more private person than Miss I Don’t Give a Shit Who Knows What and What They Think here. She also says she really enjoys reading my writing so much that she would continue to do so even if I told her to fuck off, LOL. That’s quite flattering to know, and she’s following my story, too. She’s following me again on Twitter where it’s posting from Tumblr.

It’s too quiet up the hill dog-wise for Jesse to be working, so I’m sure whatever’s up there will make sure he makes himself heard at some point in the day since I will be up throughout most of it.

Justin replied to the email I sent. He said he’s been busy, but plans to show Paula how to send messages soon.

I put some contact paper on the back of the headboard/shelves to brighten it up a bit. It definitely looks better even if it’s just a simple marble design.

THURSDAY, APRIL 8, 2010
I was stunned to see Jessie’s gonna be at 90º today! So not normal for April! You don’t usually hit up that high there till late July/early August. But she’s gonna drop like a rock to 80º tomorrow, then 70º, then 65º.

We’re back to cold nights and warm days, but that’s better than cold nights and cold days.

Mice are breaking in again, so while I hate to kill the cute little devils, we’re going to have to get some more poison. There are just too many to catch them alive.

I promised myself I would never redo my bio. I know that as I continue to improve with time and practice, I’m going to be tempted to redo it in 5-10 years, but I will not let myself!

Marie, Paul, Dorian and Alison have read the first two chapters of Digital Confessions. My goal is to do a chapter a day and have my first full-length novel done in about a month. So I guess the Jan story will have to wait.

I had to laugh when I read this Viagra joke. Is Viagra really $10 a pill? A 10-dollar orgasm?!?! That seems a bit extreme! Who would pay $10 for an orgasm when a box of chocolates usually costs less than that and the pleasure you get from them lasts a lot longer than just 20 seconds?

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 7, 2010
PA accepted my College Romance manuscript… with a serious catch. While their email and sample contract may look legit, I just don’t trust these people with a 7-year contract after all the complaints I Googled on them. Two months isn’t enough time to re-work the manuscript anyway, and I don’t want the pressures of deadlines and all that for what will amount to so little money in the end. I don’t regret submitting the manuscript, though. It was fun and interesting to see what they’d say. However, I’d rather just keep writing for fun so I don’t have to take any risks I may not be able to undo so easily. While it would be thrilling to see myself in print as opposed to e-book format, the hidden fees certainly aren’t worth that thrill. And yes, I’m already a published author of sorts who has published this and other stories as well as articles and tech writings, but if they thought this particular manuscript needed some editing, then they should have rejected it.

I wish I could hurry up and meet the required cash-out amounts so I can be done with sites like InboxDollars and SendEarnings! The MoneyBumper is going slow cuz I can’t get anyone to stick to it.

Occasionally we can hear car stereos way off in the distance. Usually, it’s barely audible and it’s only for a minute or two. Yet at 7 AM, I heard one for 10 minutes that was so fucking loud I thought someone was driving down here. I know technology only keeps on advancing and that people and their music continue to get louder with time, but that’s just the question – have they already gotten that much louder, or did someone come down the drive? It was totally annoying and distracting. I felt like I was in the city all over again. I really hope this doesn’t become a regular thing!

I decided 25 perfume roll-ons were a bit extreme, so I cut my order in half and will be ordering $30 in wholesale roll-ons tomorrow.

I spoke to Paula and let her know that the MagicJack will be up and running this month and I’ll call her when it is.

Man, that girl’s losing it! It’s sad, it really is. She’s been doing nothing but reliving the same old never-ending cycle of childish, immature, destructive, unhealthy behavior over and over again. She takes up with guys that are full of all kinds of problems. You would think that being the expert that she is on these abusive alkies and druggies she would be able to spot them a mile away and know when to run. But since she doesn’t, it’s obvious that she actually likes these bad boys like someone else I know. Only difference is that Paula doesn’t mind if they’re too broke to take care of her. She also prefers Puerto Ricans.

Anyway, it was very hard to keep up with her because she was so hyped up that she was swinging from subject to subject like crazy and constantly interrupting me whenever I’d tell or ask her something. But I guess the guy got a restraining order on her, the family hates her as well, and she’s afraid of losing her nursing license, etc. This was after her friends slashed the guy’s tires.

They did cut her disability checks, but not completely. She gets $700 a month in checks and is allowed to work 25 hours a week (she’s working as a nurse’s aide). She also gets $200 in food stamps. Not fair if you ask me. We work just as hard and we’re getting about $1700 a month between unemployment and the job site.

She was calling, believe it or not, to verify our address so she can send me some pictures, though she does also intend to send money for me to burn her some music/photo CDs, too.

Justin, who is amazingly serene compared to his mom and now attending college for a degree in computer-related fields, gave me his email addy so I could email him and have him try yet again to show Paula how to send emails. Sure enough, though, I haven’t gotten a reply to the message I sent him.

TUESDAY, APRIL 6, 2010
I can’t believe the northeast is going to be in the 70s while we’re down in the 50s! We had an Indian summer, but the winter and the spring have been much colder than our first two here. In January of last year, we were running around in shorts with the windows open and the fans going.

Paula left a message saying she wants to send me something (I guess money to make her some CDs), but she can’t remember the town I’m in. That’s Paula for you; a total retard at times. But hey, she’s from the days when all I could get for friends were the dumb-ass airheads with the intellect and maturity of a 20-year-old. I was tempted not to bother returning her call, but decided that in the morning I’d give her a call since ignoring her wouldn’t exactly be living up to the new and nicer me, would it? I have no problem being as non-forgiving as most people seem to be, but I know it would be mean of me to dump “useless” friends I don’t need. Paula’s not a bad person just because she’s not very bright. Yes, she does tend to call only when she wants something, but I don’t feel used by her since she started sending money to cover the shipping costs.

My stories have stayed on the first page at the rating site and sometimes they’re in the #1 spot.

I was looking at mannequin heads to hold spare wigs (my full-bodied mannequin’s wigs), and wow! They have some really nice, really realistic-looking beheaded divas these days. Don’t know if I’ll actually get any, though.

MONDAY, APRIL 5, 2010
Nothing really exciting happened in my dreams last night other than that I was on a boat with some people when it sank. I had to swim to shore, which was about 100 feet away.

Anyway, today’s my dad’s 79th birthday. I have a feeling he’s going to die at 83 and my mom will follow at 85, but whether I’m right or wrong, they certainly can’t have much time left. Not with as many years as she smoked and his bad heart. I still struggle with my feelings pertaining to them and probably always will. If it weren’t for them I probably wouldn’t be sitting here writing this right now, yet the years of abuse they’ve given me, plus a lifetime of bad memories, has a way of giving me seriously mixed emotions where they’re concerned.

In the letter they’ll be getting, I let them know about MagicJack and said I’d send them the number once we get around to getting it installed.

I’ve been bad again, shopping needlessly. I shop, Tom saves. LOL, at least I’m not as bad as I used to be. I spent HUNDREDS a month on all kinds of crap for years! Hey, I’m a woman. We just can’t help ourselves. We get extra money, we spend it.

What else? Oh yeah…someone asked what private room dancing is as opposed to exotic/topless dancing. When I was dancing topless, I was in a crowded room with bouncers (I also had my own personal bodyguard/driver) and the dancers did sets on stage as well as one-to-one dancing with customers at their tables. The money’s not what it’s cracked up to be and the owners of these clubs use the girls horribly by having them pay the DJ and bouncers a percentage of their earnings. Vegas showgirls, on the other hand, make a ton of money. Dancing around to your favorite music may beat flipping burgers at McDonald’s, but it’s not worth the sore feet.

With private room dancing, you are totally nude. You dance in a small room in which a concealed camera is planted. A guard also keeps an eye on you through a two-way mirror window. The slightest hint of trouble and they’ll be in there in a flash sticking a gun to the customer’s head, though fortunately, I never had a problem with any guys. I did have a woman get a little obsessed with me at one point, though, at the club but it was no big deal. I definitely don’t recommend private room dancing at all. You won’t make enough money on the busier days to make up for the days when business is slow. Hit the bars and go topless if you’re gonna shake your ass for money at all.

Later…

I can tell by the sound of it that Jesse’s working today. I wish I could say that the dogs are only barking because of the unusually cold weather we’re having for this time of year, even though it’s April, but I’m starting to get the feeling that the barking is going to be a year-round thing from now on. It just might not be during the afternoons in the summer when it’s at its hottest.

Speaking of summer and warmer weather, when is that ever going to happen? The weather has been absolutely terrible! Cold, wet, rainy and just miserable. It’s to be around 70º again in a few days, but so what? It’ll only be for 5 minutes.

I forgot to mention the Mexicali earthquake. It could even be felt in Phoenix from what Tom heard! Didn’t feel a thing up here, though.

SUNDAY, APRIL 4, 2010
My mannequin has a scrape on her inner wrist caused by the bracelet she’s wearing so she looks like she tried to commit suicide. She’s one stylish-looking lady right now, though. I decided she’d been standing around in the same outfit long enough, so I changed her.

Speaking of mannequins and dolls, I had a fun dream for once last night. Yeah, it was pretty funny as opposed to getting stuck in places I didn’t like to be in or worrying about money. In the dream, I was miraculously able to find a job in this state at a gift shop, and miraculously able to keep a schedule, too. The woman that owned the store got in a shipment of small, but very nice dolls. They were $22. I said I wanted to buy one and she asked if I had a doll collection.

“A retired one, yes. But these are so nice so I just gotta have one. I love these realistic-looking dolls everyone calls spooky.”

She asked what kind of collection I had, and I told her I used to collect modern dolls till I got tired of the space they took up and having to dust them all.

“How much did your dolls cost?” she asked next.

“Some are a few bucks, some a few hundred bucks, with your average being around 100 bucks. My mom would shit if she knew the value of my collection, even though we made a lot of money between 1998-2007 and I sold a lot of it off.”

So I returned to the store another time with Tom in tow. Now the dolls were $125 and about 30” tall instead of around a foot. Tom said their hair smelled sooo good, and I ran my fingers through one of the redheads and said, “Wow, they have rooted hair.”

So I brought one home and then Tom went out somewhere. Now the doll, a brunette, had “come to life” and was literally life-size. “Don’t move and don’t think when Tom gets in,” I told her. “I don’t want him to know you’re alive in any way or have any awareness. It may freak him out.”

Then I woke up and even Tom got a kick out of the dream when I told him about it. I wish Dreamland could always be so amusing.

All had been quiet for days. I could even stand to turn the sound machines off. Then sure enough, Jesse went out on Friday night and the dogs went crazy from 8pm till around midnight. I was surprised he didn’t go out this evening too, as it seems to have become a habit for him to spend Friday and Saturday nights out either in the bars or perhaps seeing someone. Seems a little late to be doing anything with the kid. All was quiet today, though. No barking, no engine gunning.

Marie sent an email saying she doesn’t expect me to understand, but she’s sick of feeling so lonely and so miserable every fucking day of her life. I totally empathize with her and know what she’s going through, and I told her this, reminding her that I was alone too, before meeting Tom. What I didn’t tell her was that if she’s still alone at her age, she probably always will be. We just can’t change what isn’t meant to be. Nonetheless, I encouraged her to try Yahoo! personals or something like that. Unless they’re lying, this way she can get a better idea up front of who’s taken and who isn’t, and who wants a serious relationship versus just fun. I also told her to look at what she does have as she encourages me to do when I’m feeling blue. I told her she may have debt, but she also has money, insurance, and no rent to pay.

Damn, I wish she would meet Miss Right! Not just for her sake so she can be happy, but so she’s not pestering me so much either. She tells me to let her know if she’s bugging me, but I hate to be mean by brushing her off. I’d hate to make her think I don’t care.

SATURDAY, APRIL 3, 2010
I thought I was going to get bombarded with messages slamming me for being pissed that blacks are exempt from being charged with hate crimes, and are receiving so much favoritism and leniency in the courts. Instead, they have expressed their own frustrations and understanding of how I feel. This is all well and good, but understanding there’s a problem is one thing. Actually doing something about it is another.

I don’t know why, but for some reason the courts go easier on the violent crimes, while those who didn’t do anything other than supposedly hurt someone’s feelings or piss them off with words on paper end up going to jail and losing thousands of dollars. It almost makes me wish to hell I had beaten the shit out of this woman when she came screaming at my door doped out of her mind at 6am that day in September of ‘97. I sure as hell would have if I’d known of the legal hell she would ultimately put myself and my family through.

I don’t want to suggest that people should hate blacks or anything like that. I just wish life would be a little fairer. Letting them get away with so much simply because of what might’ve happened over a century ago really sends the wrong message, and is NOT going to discourage them from criminal activity. That’s all I’m saying.

Having fallen asleep with the memories of the nightmare she and her twisted rouge cop friend put us through, she came to haunt me in my dreams. She showed up here and informed me in a matter-of-fact tone of voice that she’d come to “pick on me.” I said I didn’t realize she was suicidal and asked how she felt about the prospect of getting her ass beat.

She laughed and said, “People rarely go to jail for assault. You know that. But I think you should go ahead and beat me up.” She pointed out that it would mean jail in my case because she was black and I wasn’t. “And I’ll be happy to provoke you too, by throwing the first punch,” she added.

“Yeah, yeah,” I said, “I know how it works. You’d cry racism and I’d be charged with a hate crime instead of what it really is – me defending myself.”

She grinned triumphantly, then said, “You’d have to kill me in order to stop me from crying racism, and you know they’ll automatically believe me.”

Whatever really did happen after that, I don’t know, for that was when I woke up.

Then I dreamt of running barefoot across the sand dunes in the desert, something one never does for real if they know what’s good for them as scorpions love to nestle just under the sand during the hottest part of the day.

Then I woke up depressed. I realize now more than ever that we could very well be on unemployment for the rest of our lives. Hey, what better way for whatever’s up there to make sure we never buy a house? Then it can trample on yet another dream of mine. And this cold, rainy weather that never seems to end only sours my mood even more. I’ve known for some time now that poverty would be our best friend indefinitely. The question is what to do about it. I wonder - if the average person knew they were fated to be dirt poor all their lives and that there’d be nothing they could do about it no matter how hard they tried to change things, would they want to kill themselves? Would they ever have their moments when they wished they could just cease to exist, knowing there wasn’t an ounce of hope or a chance in hell of ever changing things?

People say I should be grateful for what I do have and thank God for what He’s given me, and I’m like, that’s a joke, right? They’re kidding, just kidding, right? Do they really expect me to look up into the sky and say, “Thanks, God, for allowing us to be what basically equates to forced welfare bums. Thanks, God, for giving us this trashy old trailer to rent. We worked hard for this. Thanks for rewarding our efforts with such little money and so many hardships. So what if I have to spend the majority of my life uninsured, and so what if I may need thousands of dollars in dental work, for You have blessed us with all kinds of struggles that will stick with my husband and I like the most faithful of friends, and for that, I am truly grateful.”

Get real, folks!

Later…

OMG, this is so funny! Yeah, this entry sure is going to differ from my last doomy and gloomy message. Tom just got me laughing my ass off, and man did I need that!

“How are we dirt poor?” he asked. “How can you say we’re struggling just because we’ve been on unemployment so long and it sometimes feels like we’re stuck in a rut? All the bills are paid. You’re typing on a computer most people will never have, I’m watching TV on a big-screen TV, and you’re about to buy $70 of perfume that isn’t necessary.”

Then I stopped in the middle of the room and slowly made a full circle, eyeing everything I’d won during my sweeping years. The car, the color laser printer, the iMacs, the big screen TV, the $700 shed, the furniture, the expensive jewelry and designer outfits I never wear… then I burst out laughing.

Well, I can’t deny he’s got a point there. Maybe I do tend to get overdramatic at times and make things sound worse than they are. Yeah, I admit it. I do that at times, though I never could figure out why. Perhaps it’s just the writer in me that brings out these melodramatic moments I sometimes still have. Ok, so we’re not doing as horribly as we could be. But we’re also not doing well either. Two people on unemployment are never doing well. Had we been on it a few months and then found work, that’d be one thing. But a year of unemployment that leaves us with no possibility of getting ahead in life is another.

FRIDAY, APRIL 2, 2010
Maybe I’ll remember why I rarely read the news after reading a local news article that just pissed me the hell off so bad my hands are literally shaking. How am I ever going to get over the prejudice brought on by our former neighbors, a bunch of black freeloaders, who used and abused the law against me, when I keep hearing about the kinds of stories I keep hearing about where blacks are exempt from being charged with hate crimes??? And how the hell can they expect us to like and accept them when they do the things they do and take advantage of the fact that the laws are going to go easier on them simply because of their fucking color???

Anyway, what it’s about is this black chick that beat up this white chick at school. And if it isn’t sick enough that the perpetrator was simply expelled and not charged with a hate crime and assault like she should have been, the victim was also expelled, and a bunch of students and parents just sat there and filmed the fight.

Can you believe this fucked up world? People can get away with violence while I end up doing half a year for a fictitious letter.

People are sick. Just sick. And like I said, this isn’t any way for me to get over my own wariness of blacks and it isn’t because of their color, but because of their behavior. Blacks make up for over 70% of the crime in this country. How can I simply set that aside and say, oh well, they’re not all bad? And sure, it’s true that they’re not all bad. I’ve known some very nice blacks who would never do such a thing, but when so damn many of them are out for blood in a time they know they can get away with it or not get much more than a slap on the wrist for it, well, it doesn’t help. This just doesn’t help. You can’t make someone like you or love you, but you can make someone hate you. And when they carry on in society like so many of them do, I’m sorry, I can’t exactly have a bleeding heart for them. But I guess some groups of people tend to be more vicious just like some breeds of dogs tend to be more vicious. The only difference is that humans should be able to learn right from wrong while an animal is only following its instincts.

If you want us to like you, stop crying racism every chance you get when you get pissed off at a white person. Stop attacking us. Stop robbing us. Stop breaking into our homes. Stop the gang-banging. Stop expecting our tax dollars to support you so you don’t have to work.

That’s all I’ve got to say. I’m done venting. And no, I don’t care who I might’ve pissed off along the way. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Reverse discrimination, along with any other crime, is not more “okay” simply because you might be black!

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Last updated August 06, 2024