July 2009 in 2000s

THURSDAY, JULY 30, 2009
A horrible thought crossed my mind yesterday. As the dread began to seep through me, I thought – no! Tell me it isn’t so. Please tell me that not even God, who hasn’t answered one single prayer of mine, could hate us that much!

That’s when I ran to Tom and said, “I see where we’re going here. I see where God – or whatever’s had it in for me in the past – is leading us. The stage has been totally set for it when I sit and look at the big picture. Yes, I know where we’re headed.”

Tom was confused at first and that’s when I pointed out to him that while there haven’t been any jobs here in town, there have been some in Sacramento. Get it? As in setting us up to have to move back to the city yet AGAIN. Tom assures me that this can’t happen, but when you take in the fact that something up there has loved to see me stuck where I don’t want to be since I was 15 years old, it totally seems like something it would do. But Tom says that if there are still no jobs here when the job market loosens up in the fall, he can always commute. But I don’t see how we could afford a long commute, even though he says we could.

All I know is that I’m tired of starting over. I’m tired of having the carpet yanked from under our feet every time we start to get ahead. I’m tired of scraping pennies. And the thought of our next stop being just one more of many wild and or dumpy rentals to come, instead of our own home that we live in for the rest of our lives, really shrouds me in an even thicker veil of hopelessness and helplessness. I feel like a dead leaf lying on the ground, afraid of being swept where I don’t want to be.

AGAIN.

I wasn’t kidding when I said my prayers have gone unanswered. I’ve been praying for the better part of a year now for Tom to get a job, but no. God would rather we be broke and struggling. I’ve prayed for help with my teeth and for us to lose more weight. Nothing. So when I started to pray for Him not to “send us back to the city” yet again, I stopped myself and said, why bother? Nothing else I ask for gets granted, so why waste my time? I figure that if He doesn’t care about those who are worse off than us, why would He care about us? We certainly can’t be all that important now, can we?

Tom keeps insisting we’ll be okay, but I fear we’ll fall further and further behind. The flooring hasn’t sold yet and if it ever does it will no doubt have to be for next to nothing. He thinks Jesse will take it for $100, but I don’t think he wants it. Period. Then we’ve got things coming up like car insurance, renewing our mailbox, trying to get his Mac back, etc. Hell, we can’t even get a $40 mattress topper for our sagging mattress right now, and that’s humiliating. It really is. To have to be degraded to such hardships at our age is really discouraging in every way imaginable. If we were lazy drunks or druggies who didn’t give a damn, then we’d deserve to be right where we are today in someone else’s trashy trailer, having to skimp on food, split the rent payment, and do without so many things we need. I appreciate the coins and spare change my folks sent us, but I still don’t think they have any concept of what it’s like to live as poorly as we do. Even their poorest days on earth don’t come close to our average days. I don’t resent those who are better off than we are. If you are, then I’m happy for you. I just don’t get why we have to be one of the ones to suffer. It just seems so unfair and all it does is serve to convince me all the more that nothing up there likes us.

Other than fearing my worst fears may come true, I can understand more written languages than I realized! I looked up romance languages on Wiki and there are other romance languages, some of which I’ve never heard of like Romanian, Catalan, Corsican, Galician, Leonese, Occitan, Aromanian, Sardinian and Venetian. And when I went to read the pages I set in these languages, clearly it was a language I did not know, yet I could understand the gist of what I was reading. They’re pretty much just another variation of Spanish, Italian, etc.! In some cases, I guess they’d be considered different dialects.

Got a coupon for a free pint of Starbucks ice cream. This was a nice treat, but it gave me the runs.

We also had another fly invasion. I guess whenever a new mouse or family of mice gets under the trailer, eats the poison and dies, we get hit with a new batch of flies. I’d still rather be “trailer trash” than have to get a little 400-square-foot studio in the city, even if it were modern. It would probably still be more expensive than what we pay here, too. And harder to get into since it would probably be managed by a company versus an individual, and they don’t like people with bad or no credit.

I wish we had an RV as a backup! I wouldn’t sleep any better in it than I would an apartment, but at least it’d be mobile and could be put wherever we wanted it, should worse come to worse as it so often does in our lives.

Again I got those strange pains after working out that felt exactly like intense period cramps. They lasted about 10 minutes, and again there was no bleeding.

Where I made Top 1000 Italian Student a while back on the language site, now I’m Top 500 Italian Student. Yeah, I guess you could say I’m pretty dedicated since I go there just about every day.

Tom said he heard the puppy whining when he was outside the other day, but that it was nothing that could be heard in here. Wow, that’s hard to believe. Then again, when the people up top of the hill with the goats are outside talking, I can’t hear them inside either. I don’t expect the dogs (all 3 of them) to be a problem till around November.

TUESDAY, JULY 28, 2009
Tom and I were debating what makes a professional singer/dancer and whether or not I was in fact these things. He considers a pro one who gets regularly paid for whatever. I find the word “pro” stretching it a bit when you consider the fact that it was for patrons in bars.

After today I sit and wonder, could this be the start of things FINALLY starting to happen? Is life slowly but surely about to resume itself for us? I hope so! Tom made a call today about my teeth and we have to go fill out some eligibility forms once my schedule wraps around a little further. When they see how poor we are, then maybe the county will do something about these damn teeth of mine. I’m sure we’ll have to wait 5 hours for something that’ll take just minutes, but that’s the price you pay when you’re broke and probably always will be.

Also, Tom was swapping emails with someone just over the Nevada border wanting the flooring. After they already talked the price down, since people expect us to just give things to them for nothing or very close to it, they talked about meeting halfway. Tom said he told them he’d go all the way into Nevada if they’d be willing to pay the gas, but I don’t know if I like that idea. I wouldn’t be so quick to trust that I’d get paid, so I’d at least insist on the gas money up front.

Meanwhile, I’m sure the rent’s going to have to be split up yet again.

My weight is continuing to do weird things and I don’t know if it’s water, something else, or the scale acting funny. All I do know is that I’m going up and down for no apparent reason in ways I don’t normally fluctuate. It’s new for me to gain weight after not eating for a few hours and peeing a few times in between. And it’s new for me to then up and eat something and suddenly drop a pound in minutes. Well, one thing I do know for sure is that I’ve totally given up on losing any more weight. I will just try to hold the mid-120s.

We’re both continuing to experience these weird occurrences. His feet still swell and drain, swell and drain. And my lip is chapped – only the bottom one – and it never seems to get better.

Just when I was thinking how good the bombs were doing, a cellar spider came waltzing into the bedroom yesterday. And this was after the sun had come up, too.

In other news, I’ve been reviewing both Italian and Spanish and have finished Rainbow Dreams. I’ll probably start another story soon enough and also begin Portuguese 101. I hope Portuguese plurals are like Spanish and not Italian! I swear whoever decided Italian plurals should be as they are had to have been drunk!

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 2009
I learned more about our lovely government throwing our money away, and it wasn’t to Pakistan, it was to Palestine this last time around. I get the Paks and the Pals mixed up. And it has nothing to do with aiding them due to poverty. I guess it’s a bribe to try to get them to leave Israel the fuck alone so they don’t nuke them. Still, it’s no excuse to give away our money when there are so many people right here who need it. If Israel’s gonna nuke them, they’re gonna nuke them. Period. And I can’t believe our government is stupid enough not to keep in mind the fact that the Palestinians are manipulative little terrorists who are going to do what they do best anyway, and that’s to treat their women like animals and try to make as many other people as miserable as possible. So paying them off won’t change things. They are who they are. And Israel’s going to deal with them as they see fit. Meanwhile, people like us sit here and continue to struggle just to pay the rent and make ends meet.

This is a classic reason why I hate people in general and would never want more than the few friends I have. Tom and I were talking about it and I said, “How can this country not see that by throwing all our money away, we’re setting ourselves up to become impoverished ourselves?”

He said, “They’re screwed up,” and I said, “That’s BEYOND screwed up!”

But I guess they think that by helping other countries become better countries – not that it should be our responsibility to help better other people/countries – they’re making it less likely for them to come over here. But since they can’t say “no” to those coming over here, what difference does it make if we pay them to live there versus to live here? We’re still giving our much-needed money away. It’s like gee, why don’t we just all go out and get jobs as soon as we can and send our paychecks off to Africa or something?!

Maybe the people who are giving our money away need to come live like trailer trash for a while, having to sell things just to survive, and not always having enough to eat, and needing to have their teeth removed. Or maybe they should do even worse and just throw themselves out on the streets with absolutely nothing for a while. Maybe then they’ll think of their own people first.

And our fucking president is just yet another liar full of false promises. They’ll say anything to get elected. Anything. And that doesn’t take much. If you can just convince people you hate gays and will make life better for everyone else but them, they’ll keep falling for the same old BS every 4 years. I still say this one made it, though, cuz he’s black.

I complained to the White House via email, though I don’t expect it to do me any good other than to vent.

Tom and I have been having some strange experiences. As I lay in bed waiting for sleep last night – or this morning I should say – I had a little talk with God. I reminded Him that I don’t exactly have the guts to kill myself (unless anything happened to Tom or we were faced with homelessness) and that I also believe my life is “over” so to speak. I simply don’t want to live the rest of my life struggling in someone else’s dump. I said that Tom would be lonely for a while, but that he’d be better off. He’d save money and could trash the place without me nagging him about being a slob. So I asked for a sign. I asked that He have my heart act up again if He was going to take me soon.

To my utter shock, and yes, even delight – despite having to once fight to live not so long ago – the palpitations started up! I couldn’t have written it off to wishful thinking if I tried, it was that obvious. Does this mean I’m going to die soon of heart failure? Sometimes I wish I could believe that it does, but I doubt it. With my shit luck, I’m going to be cursed with a lot of “life” to come, and so I just try to look at the bright side of living. We may be poor, we may never own our own home, but we do have each other. And I do like to write and I have more languages I want to learn. I still love music, too.

Shitty life or not, the amount of heart failure symptoms I’ve been having and their frequency is kind of weird. But if it’s really connected to my heart, then why hasn’t it killed me yet? Could it be something else? Well, at least I have a mystery to sit and ponder. I even started retaining water and it’s at a time when I shouldn’t be and it’s one of the symptoms. Even Tom could see it. It seemed to happen so suddenly, too. Not even tea would help.

As for Tom, he couldn’t walk for 15 minutes! I was asleep when he got up from the couch and totally could not walk. He leaned on the chair and tried to limp into it, but his hip hurt like hell. When he tried to step on that leg it felt as if his leg would snap off at the hip, so he was completely immobile for a while there. We have no idea what could’ve caused it.

SATURDAY, JULY 25, 2009
Tom listed the flooring yesterday. He wanted to do it the day before, but there were a couple of ads for more flooring for cheaper, and he didn’t want to be asking for more and selling less right along with them. I hope the ads were taken down yesterday because the items sold and not for any other reason. Better yet, I hope ours sells and not for pennies! I’m sick of people trying to get a deal from us. Giving someone a deal is one thing, but seeing them trying to gain at our expense or expecting us to give to them for nothing is another. It sickens me just how many greedy people there are out there who can only think of themselves. I sometimes feel like we were put here to make or save other people money while we spend most of the time struggling.

While they may want to get whatever they can get from us, people are otherwise quite generous when it comes to languages. I’m amazed at the offers I’ve gotten for help with my Italian and Portuguese. I’m more of a self-taught kind of person, but occasionally I have a question I wouldn’t mind asking someone who should know better than me.

Later…

I just got a sorry reminder of why I rarely read the news. Yeah, learning that this country just gave $200m in aid to Pakistan, a bunch of low-life terrorists who treat women like animals, while my husband and I continue to sit here broke, jobless and uninsured, doesn’t sit well with me. Almost every adult in the US could’ve been given one of those millions.

And then the tall tales of slavery keep coming into play too, and I have to wonder what the past has to do with the here and now and why people still fall for those stories. They wanted to come over here from Africa and work. But just cuz they decided they didn’t like working and therefore cried slavery since they couldn’t get back home so easily, doesn’t mean slavery really ever existed. I think that if any of it really did happen, it’s been greatly exaggerated over the years. That’s just blacks for you, in my opinion. When they didn’t want to work, they cried slavery. Today, when they can’t get their way, they cry racism. And I once tried so hard to give these people a chance, telling myself that there’s good and bad in every kind. Ah, but when 9 out of 10 of you are bad news as opposed to 7 out of 10, it’s kind of hard to keep an open mind, you know? But when has anyone gay ever done anything directly to you or to someone you’re close to that’s really bad? I’m sure even you agree that you don’t see them “gang-banging” or being notorious for crime and welfare.

And why aren’t people protesting at the government’s office against them giving our money away by the millions? It’s one thing to give a little bit of aid to those caught up in natural disasters, but Pakistanis? These people don’t want to help themselves any more than most Mexicans do!

Tom’s going to call a dental college on Monday that sees people based on a sliding scale fee, but I’m sure they won’t be able to help me. I still say that the only one who can help me is me and that it’ll be up to me to pull my own teeth. If our lovely God wanted me to have any help, then He wouldn’t have seen to it that I’ve been uninsured for 5 years and counting. Nor would He have us be this broke this late in life if it weren’t meant to be this way indefinitely.

I simply see absolutely no change in sight for a long, long time and that’s a hard pill to swallow. Knowing we’re more than likely going to spend the rest of our lives living like bums and having to do without some of the things we need is a really tough burden to carry around on one’s shoulders. It really has a way of taking the fun out of life. I just don’t look forward to getting out of bed each day like I used to. The future simply no longer holds the hope and the promise that it once at least seemed to hold. Instead, there’s nothing but the same old guaranteed pain and poverty each day. So I live in a bottle of Aleve, knowing that money will be a never-ending problem for us till the day we die in SOMEONE ELSE’S trashy trailer, and not our own home.

Tom read an interesting article that suggests one reason I’m good with languages is that I was exposed to Hebrew and Yiddish when I was between 6-18 months old when the brain learns to identify sounds. There’s no L sound in Japanese, and when they did a study amongst Japanese babies, the ones who were exposed to the L sound had an easier time learning English than those who weren’t. They would make sounds like loo-loo, la-la and stuff like that.

We moved in right next to my grandparents right before I was born, and they spoke some Hebrew, so this theory makes sense. I would have been more exposed to it than my older siblings. Nana and Pa would have been in and out more often with us living right next door, and it wasn’t uncommon for them – especially Nana – to mutter something or another in Hebrew or Yiddish.

I also have a song in Japanese that I always thought was so pretty. I can sing along with it even though I don’t know what the words mean. Tom, on the other hand, can’t make sense of the words he hears in order to follow along himself. So I’m hearing what a lot of folks can’t, and that’s also part of what makes me good with singing and instruments, even if I rarely sing anymore and never play instruments anymore either.

No calls so far for the flooring. Gee, what a surprise. Like maybe God’s put a money curse on us, huh? It’s frustrating wanting to let Him have it for allowing us to continue to go through this shit and for not answering my prayers for help, but knowing I can’t tear into Him or else He’ll punish us like He always would when I’d give him a piece of my mind. Blowing off steam at Him isn’t worth putting our lives on the line.

Anyway, Tom believes they can help me with my teeth, but because it’s not infected or any type of life-and-death crisis, I won’t be their top priority. Yeah, that’s part of the problem in this world. Nothing seems to happen until it does become a crisis, but no one wants to get to the point that they’re in a crisis either. It seems like a no-win situation all around.

Mom sent me B-cup bras when I’m still a C. Don’t ask me where these damn things came from. All I know is that I was wonderfully flat till my early 30s, then they just showed up one day. That’s okay, I intend to improve my grade soon enough!

Well, I’m going to be sending them something of my own soon enough. My latest short story. That is after I finish proofreading it and make them into a couple of the characters. Yeah, I thought they’d get a kick out of me replacing a couple of the original characters’ names with their names. I thought Mom could be one of the inmates while Dad got to play DA. I’ll also weed out the intimate parts, but won’t worry about the online version since I know they don’t have online access. Gay or straight characters, it’d be weird sending my own folks something of a sexual nature, so that’s why I’m editing it out of their copy. If anyone online doesn’t like it, no prob, just don’t read it! Still don’t know if I’ll post it here, though, or just to my blog only.

Woke up Wednesday afternoon to Tom’s cooking smells. He said it was no problem for him to have sandwiches while I’m asleep, but why bother? There’ll just be something else waking me up whenever I’m on nights. No chest pain, though, or shortness of breath, so I think the reason I had it when my mother insisted Tom wake me up for reasons I still don’t get had to do with me having to get up out of bed the instant I was woken up, unlike the last time where I could just lay there a while till I got up.

Although I did manage to sleep just fine the last time around, I was so pissed when I got up and found I was just two-tenths down from the 125.6 pounds I crashed at. Had I gone to bed at night I’d have been back to 123.

I’m also pissed that our deep fryer is broken.

MONDAY, JULY 20, 2009
Got the package with the coins today. They weren’t all half and silver dollars, though. Some of it was regular change. It came to nearly $30 worth, and as always, any bit helps.

There were also things like clothes, handbags and bath stuff. Plus, a couple of pictures of them, a cute pink teddy bear that’s really soft, and some poker-related stuff I don’t know what we’ll do with. I’ve never really been a poker player, but Tom is.

Last night I looked up my symptoms and if they had a contest as to who could say they’ve had the most symptoms any disease has to offer, I’d win the heart failure one for sure! I’ve got intermittent chest pains and shortness of breath, particularly with exercise, though I thought we were supposed to get a little breathy when working out anyway. I’ve also had dizziness, lightheadedness, bloating and water retention AFTER my period, half-assed or not. No swelling in the legs or ankles, though. I’ve had dry coughing, sometimes with a little wheeze, fatigue, palpitations, and rapid heartbeat, and have had times where I’ve either gained 2 pounds in one day or 5 in a week. I wrote that off, though, to sometimes getting carried away with overeating or water gain from PMS. No loss of appetite, nausea, or trouble breathing lying flat, as are also symptoms, but I have had chest pain or discomfort during activity that’s relieved with rest.

I still say it’s asthma and anxiety despite the uncanny number of symptoms I have. I may not be nearly as stressed out as I was when he was first laid off, but hey, we are on unemployment and that’s nothing to rest easy over. And as for my asthma, well it’s something that never really goes away even if improves greatly after quitting smoking.

The water pressure was low at one point, and I thought, oh shit, here we go again with the well games. The stupid idiot either left a faucet on or one of the dogs he shouldn’t have managed to turn it on. So Tom left a message on Jesse’s machine and I started to worry he was out of town. But then the water pressure quickly rose back up and all has been fine ever since. With one slight catch. The bastard, or Maryann, never had the decency to tell us they switched back to the ditch yet again. I could smell it as soon as I went to do the dishes. Had it not been for my doggy nose I might’ve drunk it and ended up puking. So Tom and I decided we’d just stick to bottled water from now on so as to avoid having to go through this bullshit every time there’s a problem. Since he had to get a loaf of bread anyway, we decided to take advantage of the nighttime when it’s less crowded at the stores and not as hot since there would be no sun glaring down on us and went to the cheaper grocery store by the old mail place around 10:30.

After we filled up our two 5-gallon bottles, we threw our diets to the wind and grabbed some treats. Ice cream, cookies, caramel chews, etc. Then I mailed a letter with a detailed package review to my folks, and we came back and pigged out!

SUNDAY, JULY 19, 2009
I knew I was due for a wake-up call anytime now. But it wasn’t in the way of loud motorcycles, helicopters or barking. It came in the form of mom instead. Yeah, she’s as rude and selfish as she is generous, LOL! She had Tom wake me up. At first I thought something was wrong, but then I could tell by Tom’s expression that everything was ok.

So, heart pounding strangely hard and seemingly erratic, breath short, I trudged out of bed and spoke to her.

Once again I’m not so sure she’s entirely with it anymore. I just don’t get why she couldn’t tell/ask Tom the same things she told/asked me. Did she think he wouldn’t tell me what she said? Hmmm…interesting. Is she really still with it? I’m just not sure. I mean, I guess she sounded coherent enough, but IDK, there was just something about the way she spoke that made me wonder. Tom said she sounded really excited to talk to me. She wanted to know about the packages, but like I said, Tom could’ve told her about that. I didn’t need to be woken up to tell her myself, but Tom said he won’t answer the phone when I’m asleep from now on. I told him he could if he wanted to, just tell them I’m out with a friend or out running if he doesn’t want to tell them I’m asleep, not that I’ll always be asleep whenever they call. I just didn’t think either of them would call again so soon after the last call being so recent, but as I told her, the plan was to call her Monday if we didn’t get another package and get the tracking info I wish we’d already gotten from them. If the package is there tomorrow, as we think it will be, I was then going to send a letter with a detailed package review and more.

Once again I’m convinced that sending her the medical article on my sleep disorder was pointless as they just don’t get it. However, this is the one thing I can’t fault them for not getting. As I said before, I don’t think even I could understand how it could be so hard to keep a schedule for more than a week or two at a time if I hadn’t experienced that problem myself. Some things we just can’t relate to no matter how smart or sensitive we may be. So that’s why she was asking why I was asleep when it was such a beautiful day.

Anyway, I only talked to Mom. Dad was at the store. At least I think that’s where she said he was. I was too brain-dead to remember her answer, though I know I did ask.

Oh, and she says she’s sending a DVD of her and dad swimming with dolphins. That oughta be way cool. I’ve always wanted to do that. I tried to win a trip to do just that and fly in a helicopter and ride in a speedboat going over 100 MPH. Mom would definitely never do those last two things!

Just why is lost sleep so hard on me, though? I just don’t get it. If I were in jail now instead of 9 years ago, the lack of sleep would probably kill me for sure. I just don’t understand how it can be so hard on someone who works out regularly and doesn’t smoke. I was only shorted an hour or two, too.

Unable to fall back asleep right away, I got up and rode the bike, but could only stand to burn 100 calories when I had to stop due to chest pains and shortness of breath. Is something wrong with my heart or lungs? I don’t think so, but it’s weird, and kind of annoying, too. There better not be anything wrong. I’m uninsured! I doubt there is, though.

After I rode I showered and then ate. It was then that I could nap for a few hours. I feel more refreshed, but still a bit groggy. The chest aches – cramps – or whatever they really are have passed, but I still feel a bit short of breath. Could be due to the nail polish I applied a little while ago, though, and the bleach I’m washing clothes in now. Either way, I like this bright reddish-orange polish ma sent. It’s a pretty color for not being those metallic chrome polishes I love so much.

Can’t think of anything else to say right now, other than how it’s frustrating having so much trouble seeing. As Tom says, I need bifocals. We’re tentatively planning to go to Walmart in September and deal with it then, but I’m sure something will come up and make sure we’re too broke to have it be worth bothering with at that time. It sure would be nice, though, and I’m glad it won’t cost nearly as much as it costs for me to get the dentures I need and am no closer to getting.

The hair removal thing turned out to be a bust.

Here goes a wave of chest pains.

SATURDAY, JULY 18, 2009
Hadn’t planned to write this weekend because I’ve been busy proofreading Rainbow Dreams.

Again I heard what I thought was Brandy barking, followed by Whiskey going off on something in back of the house, but Tom insists it was coming from the people with the goats. Oh, great, so now I gotta listen to this one every so often, too? It’s not as loud as Jesse’s dogs barking in front here, but it’s audible enough. Especially with the windows open. As I said before, I’m totally dreading the winter! And not just cuz of the cold that I hate so much.

It’s been a little over 100º lately and I’m surprised but pleased that there hasn’t been any barking in the evening until now. Or late at night.

We had another fly invasion no doubt due to all the mice we killed underneath the place. That poison bait sure does work as it’s been mighty quieter under there! Anyway, mice may be super cute, but they’re a nuisance when they’re alive and a nuisance when they’re dead! Hopefully, the flies will clear out soon enough.

So Tom did get the TV back after all. Don’t get too used to it, I told him. We’re so damn broke that we’ll have to sell it to get his Mac back, which he’d prefer more than the TV, then we might even have to sell the Mac, too. He doesn’t think we’ll have to sell either one, but he always assumes the best, even if it doesn’t seem like he should have any reason to. I just wonder what we’ll do when we run out of things to sell. Especially since I just can’t seem to win shit anymore.

I’m going to enjoy the TV for now as watching movies and old reruns really makes the bike riding go faster than when I listen to music.

I had to laugh at the “Just Want to Say Goodbye” thread I saw on OLS earlier. Yet another one who’s sick of the “mob of mentality” and getting chewed out when they don’t agree 100% with everyone else. Yeah, that’s OLS for you. Most forums are like that in that the majority will attack the minority, but OLS does have its share of hardcore flamethrowers. And even though it says in the rules that it’s not allowed, it goes on and on, unchecked and unmodified. It all depends on whether or not you’re a friend of Brent’s or the Mods. If you are, then you can do whatever you want.

I’m just getting over what was the wimpiest period in years. I swear it was 80% PMS and 20% period. Maybe even 90/10. I wish I could say it was menopause setting in, but I know I’m much too young for that yet.

I’m posting We’ll Meet Again Someday on Book Mania and am amazed at all the “fans” and feedback I’ve been getting in regards to it. There are some awesome inspiring writers there!

THURSDAY, JULY 16, 2009
Got 3 boxes from my folks, but no coins yet. This time around it was mostly bath, body and bedroom stuff. A pretty shower curtain. A hideously ugly comforter that I’ve got underneath the sheet for extra softness. Then there’s this really soft brown thing with zippers and snaps on it that I can’t figure out for the life of me what it’s for. I decided to use it as a drape in the front bedroom window. It should block out the fierce morning sun quite well. There were two sets of sheets. Again, they were dull earth tones, but one of them is kind of satiny which is cool. We could really use extra sheets too, no matter what the color. There was a throw that appears to have been a 50th anniversary present from the drama queen in 2001. Where was I then? Suffering in jail partly due to her.

There was a pair of Capri’s and two pairs of shorts for Tom that are too snug. Now we both have robes cuz there was a huge, white terrycloth robe that he can enjoy in the winter.

There were a couple of large, beautiful mugs with palms on them. I love palms and cacti.

There were a few hair accessories like headbands, combs and brushes. Shampoo, conditioner and some lotion that came in perfect timing. The hand lotion I keep on my desk ran out, so now I have more.

I see they’ve been hotel hoarders too, as there were soups and shampoos that obviously came from places like the Days Inn and La Quinta. There was also some makeup, but I won’t tell her that some of it will go back to Florida and to Mary, even though they always said to do what I wanted with whatever they sent. Some of the lipsticks, and one of the eye pallets, just aren’t my color.

I’ve been wanting to try Jergen’s glow lotion that’s supposed to darken you a few shades in a few days but didn’t want to spend money we didn’t have on non-necessities, so I was glad to get a tube to try, even though it’s for medium to dark skin and not for the whole body. One’s for the face, the other for the legs, though I don’t see why I couldn’t use it elsewhere. For now, I’m just starting with the face to see what it does.

I love Olay products, but due to how expensive they are, I never buy any. But I sure love getting Regenerist samples, though, and I’m sure I’ll love this facial stuff she sent.

I’ve also been wanting to try that raw mineral foundation, though I don’t know that it does much for me. Maybe I’ve just gotten so ugly that nothing helps, LOL!

The Caramel Latte and Nude lipsticks were practically invisible on me. I prefer to go with brighter pinks and I prefer glosses to sticks for the added moisture they provide.

One of the most interesting things was this hair-removal thing that’s painless and doesn’t leave any razor burn to have to deal with. You basically rub these little sandpaper-like things wherever you want to remove hair. Between the legs would certainly be a nice place to start, but I think I’ll have to trim things a bit down there first to make it easier. It seems promising, though, based on the test spot I did on my forearm.

There was also some toothpaste Tom could use, and some breath-freshening gum for me, since Tom hates gum. He hates nuts too, so the rats and I are enjoying the Spanish peanuts. Well, they’ll be enjoying them more than I will cuz while I like them a lot, my teeth don’t appreciate them at all, and nuts are horrible diet food being so high-cal.

Speaking of teeth, that sour candy they sent in the first package nearly killed me. I was in such agony that I was seriously contemplating pulling my teeth! I still think I’m going to eventually have to numb the gums with Ambosol and pull one tooth at a time. I’m simply no closer to having the money or the insurance needed to see a dentist. For now, we’ve agreed that it may be wise to get a $30 Water Pik from Walmart to at least help with plaque and shit like that. Today I also got these stick-like things for flossing and they seem to be easier to use than the wooden ones I used to use. These are flexible ones with rubber tips.

Let’s see… what else? Baby powder, band-aids, scissors, sunscreen. All kinds of things we could always use. Even some office stuff like pens, tape and paperclips. All stuff we really appreciate them taking the time to send.

Anyway, tomorrow I gotta really jump back on the diet wagon, and hopefully get Rosa’s letter done and do some more proofreading on both my story and old journals. With all the other things we’ve had going on, I haven’t been doing as much computer work.

Every now and then I have these moments when I think to myself, aw, screw Larry, but at least patch things up with Tammy. You guys got along better and better as you got older, she’s not all bad, you’re not perfect yourself, and don’t you miss laughing and joking with her about whatever and want to know what’s up with your nieces?

But quite frankly, and as cruel as it may sound, I don’t care what’s up with anyone, I can laugh and joke with others, we still don’t have much in common, we still live nearly 3000 miles apart, and she still caused me to end up in jail. Not knowingly. Not intentionally. Maybe not even directly. But the fact still remains that she did. And nothing can change that.

If my nieces suddenly showed up at our door starving, I would give them food despite the fact that two of them are virtual strangers, and no, I wouldn’t run the other way if I saw my sister walking down the other side of the street, but I don’t think I could ever bring myself to feel differently if I tried and if I wanted to. Do I want to? Do I really want to? I don’t think so. I think I like the comfort I get from keeping a safe distance.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 2009
Well, well, what a coincidence. The very day after I file a complaint against OLS on Ripoff Report for blocking my IP for speaking out against them and their shitty service, I’m now magically able to get into their site!

Tom had originally thought a week ago when I first couldn’t get in that it wasn’t me personally they were blocking, but everybody, probably due to either an upgrade or something malfunctioning. But after a week had passed I seriously doubted they’d have everybody blocked out for that long no matter what. There’s no talk of it that I can find in the threads. And as always, nothing’s changed. All that’s changed is that the banner that promised the upgrade that never happens is now clickable with a link to all kinds of promises that this upgrade is supposed to entail with a goal of September.

I’ll never know for sure, but I’d say it’s due to either my complaint or someone connected to them reading my journal. They do keep tabs on me, after all, as they’ve already proven, and the link to my journal is still on the site anyway. Meanwhile, I’ll just use them for dailies, weeklies and monthlies and take advantage of the convenient Shazam feature, then I’ll be done with them when my premium membership expires in October. I thought it was November, but Tom checked and that was indeed when we paid them.

When I was checking to see if they changed anything within my account, I got a kick out of how it said I couldn’t renew my premium membership as long as I was banned.

Haha, don’t flatter yourselves, OLS, I’m done with you on October 18th! But until then you better grant me the full access I’m paying for – and yes I know Brent’s little spying drones are reading this – or I’ll getcha again. And it won’t be just via the Ripoff Report!

Oh, and Mike’s still promising me the points I haven’t gotten since May, but I’ll believe it when I see it. The games are no longer going to be for points from here on out. sighs All good things really do come to an end.

Anyway, that’s all I’ll say right now as I’m still pretty busy with cleaning, organizing and my online work. It’s been nothing but go, go, go ever since I got up!

TUESDAY, JULY 14, 2009
Although I doubt it’ll do me any good, I filed a complaint against OLS on Ripoff Report and added my complaint to the growing list of complaints already there.

Until the next problem with the well, the water is now drinkable again.

Picked up some groceries today and even that Black Opium roll-on perfumed body oil I’ve been wanting. Smells great!

MONDAY, JULY 13, 2009
Here’s a long, shocking yet exciting update.

I got package #1 from my folks and was pleasantly surprised with its contents which were mostly clothes! Clothes were our last guess cuz Dad said it was heavy (although we didn’t find it that heavy at all). We were thinking it was kitchen stuff. We don’t like to cook much, we don’t entertain, and we pretty much have everything we need in that department with little room to squeeze any more into our tiny little kitchen, so I’m glad we were wrong.

The clothes consisted of 2 pairs of pants, 2 pairs of denim shorts, a combination of shorts/halters, 2 sweatshirts, 1 sweater, 10 short-sleeved tops, 1 sleeveless top, 1 pair of pajamas, and half a dozen nightgowns/housedresses. All but just a few were beautiful! Very stylish and colorful. I love neons and pastels, though white and black are ok for neutrals cuz everything goes with white and black. If I could only own 4 pairs of pants, they’d be white, black, pink and purple. I think most of these were Mom’s at one point, but it doesn’t matter. I really appreciate having all this nice variety for once after wearing mostly the same things for so long. The clothes are casual and comfortable yet still lovely and feminine enough to keep them from being frumpy and dumpy. Some of the tops have beads and sequins around the necklines that are just so nice.

I love how the shorts are denim as that too, goes with anything. I also love how I don’t have to hem the long pants! Some of the clothes were a bit big on me, but loose doesn’t necessarily mean unwearable. I don’t like things too tight anyway, and I personally like how the shorts hang off my hips as opposed to grabbing me by the waist. With a shorter top, it shows off the distinct waistline I slaved so hard to get. Keeping that hourglass shape at this age isn’t easy.

I’m now 123 pounds, and probably between a size 8/10 to be exact. Not the 3/5 that I was 15 years ago, but not the 14/16 that I was a year ago either. The dress I got with the K-Mart card I won is size small. I still don’t know at this time how much smaller I’m gonna get. If it’s much more I’ll need to get my ring squashed back. In 2001 I thought I’d be big all my life and so I had my ring enlarged. I can wear it now, but need to take it off for showers or when doing dishes. Tom’s guessing I’ll bottom out at 115 pounds. Yeah, 110-115 seems reasonable. I both do and don’t want to lose more. I do because I’m curious to see if I can, I know I’d look better, and you know enough is never enough for me. But I don’t want these clothes or this ring to get any looser.

Anyway, broke or not, clothes hadn’t been a high priority for quite a while and I would only get what I needed or won. Although I may’ve been depriving myself of goodies for the sake of money, I’m only human, too. So it’s nice to be surprised with treats like this every now and then, and it’s after you’ve gone without for a while that you appreciate being spoiled all the more.

I’m definitely not like most women in the jewelry department. I almost never wear makeup or jewelry except for my wedding band, although I recently saw a $17 necklace that was to die for, even though I won’t let myself get anything I don’t need. For the most part anyway. The necklace had these shiny pink gems that were just gorgeous. Maybe with my paycheck for doing online work at InboxDollars, I’ll treat myself to something. And maybe I’ll get that $6 Black Opium roll-on perfumed body oil I really love at Long’s when I receive the coins they said are on the way. Yeah, I spoke to my folks today and they have a few more packages coming. One contains some half-dollars and silver dollars they’ve been saving around the house.

They also sent a picture of themselves sitting in a restaurant that was taken a year ago, according to the date on the back. They’re really looking old now, especially mom. Dad’s hair has gone from gray to white and his hairline has receded even more, but they both look happy nonetheless, and they are in their late 70s.

There were also some notepads, a box of VERY sour candies, a bottle of sweet pea and violet body wash, and 3 fancy storage boxes. I’m going to use one for doll clothes.

They said they’re also sending a couple of pairs of shorts for Tom. If they’re too small for him, maybe that’ll motivate him to lose weight. He had to stop riding for a few days due to twisting his back, though he is still dieting.

Yay, I got the Pearberry lotion and grape lip gloss I redeemed points for from Kiwi! Now I can let Mike have it for being such a liar about doing “something sweet” for the gamers who haven’t gotten points for months now.

Now for the shocker of the day. I got a letter from Rosa! She learned some English and wrote the first few sentences in English. She says sorry it took so long to write, she was happy to receive my letter, it brought a smile to her face, it was good to hear I’m living “right,” thanks for the nice things I said, she’s fine, into God like most inmates, but almost doesn’t remember me well and would like a picture. She’s also going to send a picture, she says, so I can see how ugly she is (with a smiley face at the end of that sentence). She signed off referring to me as her friend and sister. Yeah, we sure were like sisters, alright! I’ve always missed the hell out of her. I knew she would remember me, but I can see where her memory may also be a bit shaky with all the people she’s had to have encountered over the last decade. She enclosed a picture of a beautiful waterfall and rainbow which I put on the fridge next to my folk’s picture.

I can’t believe it. I just can’t believe it! Rosa and I swapped letters! We’re in touch again. I’ll never see my sister again, but it’s still so nice to finally know what became of her, even though the truth isn’t good. I really thought she’d been deported. It saddens me to think she’ll be in prison till she’s around my age, guilty or not. I’ll get a letter in both English and Spanish out to her within a few days. That way she can have the choice of reading whichever language she wants. I’ll also enclose a few pictures taken over the last decade.

If someone had told me a couple of years ago that I’d one day be in touch with my folks and Rosa, and lose 25 pounds, I’d have laughed my ass off. So you could say that while our lives haven’t exactly been what we had in mind since coming down here, it’s definitely been full of surprises. My folks didn’t save me from the Brattleboro Retreat, they didn’t save me from Valleyhead, but they sure saved my husband and I both from starving in the streets!

I also got a brief but nice card from Mary, thanking me for agreeing to send the stuff she asked for to Scott’s office. She said she understood we couldn’t do much as broke as we are, is psyched we’re saving for a house and knows we’ll get our dream house someday. I hope she and Tom are right, cuz sometimes I don’t know what to think!

It looks like our water dispenser quit leaking, so that’s good.

Jesse never came down about the flooring, so I guess we’re going to list it on Craigslist if he still doesn’t want it come next weekend.

SATURDAY, JULY 11, 2009
I’m currently proofreading the S. Deerfield months back in late 1991. Yes, I was a prankster who was 100% guilty as charged with the prank calls she made, but when I read back on the lies, the exaggerations, the manipulations, the threats, and all the other shit on the part of the cops, it’s no wonder I’ve come to hate pigs so damn much! And this was before I got screwed over a million times worse on the other side of the country a decade later. It seems so many of them do more harm than good.

The story of the cop who got off scot-free from running a sunbather over on a Florida beach really made my blood boil. I hope that woman isn’t anything like me. If she is she’d give the courts an ultimatum: Either charge and punish the piece of shit appropriately, or I’ll get a gun and shoot the bastard!

And I would, too. So help me God, the day I’m ever screwed over again by another pig or another white-hating, Jew-hating racist like Joely N, will be the day I’ll no longer be able to complain that God protects every person that’s ever burned me, big or small.

We were surprised with some clouds and a little bit of drizzle AFTER Tom loaded the flooring onto the porch and AFTER he twisted his back the other day. Not wanting to be embarrassed by having to hobble around like an old man, we’re giving his back another day to get better before we call Jesse down to check it out. Assuming he’s still interested, that is.

Let’s see… che altro? Niente.

FRIDAY, JULY 10, 2009
I was beyond stunned when I awoke at 123 pounds this morning. Especially since I haven’t really been doing anything the last few days to get down here. Yet when I hit 124, it stuck right away unlike ever before when I’d hit a new low. And this is also the fastest I’ve lost a pound after losing the last one. It hasn’t even been a week, and like I said, I haven’t been dieting or exercising much lately. I just need to take a few days off every now and then. It’s not like I haven’t been riding at all, just not enough to even burn 100 calories a day, and I’ve been having around 1500 calories a day. Once I even went as high as 2000, something I only do once or twice a month.

I guess getting the bike trainer has really gotten things going again! I really thought I was forever stuck at 125 for a while there cuz that’s what I weighed for 3 months in a row. Not sure where I’m going from here. I suppose I may look best at 95-100 for someone barely 5’ tall, though I’ll settle for 110-115. Some might say I didn’t look like I needed to lose anymore since I do look less than I actually am with all this muscle, but you know we’re our own worst critics, never happy with where we’re at. I’ll take another set of progress pics at 120.

It’s so weird walking up to the mirror and seeing a person who’s no longer fat, who’s hourglass-shaped and looks a lot like a fitness person on a DVD. I’m really lucky. Especially since even a lot of the young folks these days are heavy. One exercise doesn’t do it all, though. I still gotta throw myself on the floor for dozens of crunches, and work my arms, too. It took a lot of hunger and sweat to get here, that’s for sure! I wish it were as easy as learning languages, but it’s not. At least not when it comes to the Romance languages.

Got a message from a guy saying he read my journal, thought it was great, and would be honored if I’d post it to his site, so I did. I started with the first chapter of We’ll Meet Again Someday and the New England part of my revamped bio.

Anyway, it’s kind of like Kiwibox, only it’s more for writers to connect and submit their stories, poems, diaries and essays for feedback, than for socializing, and they don’t do games/points/prizes.

THURSDAY, JULY 9, 2009
Yesterday morning I heard either Jesse’s dogs barking at a large vehicle in back or someone else’s dogs that sounded like his barking at a large vehicle from somewhere downhill. I went up to the fork to see if I could see anything at Jesse’s, but nope, nothing. No vehicles, no dogs.

Last night I dreamt that I had to pee, but Tom was in the bathroom. I told myself, “That’s ok. There are 5 bathrooms in here.”

I can’t imagine us ever having the luxury of an extra half-bath again in real life, let alone 5 baths!

I also dreamt of Jasmine, someone on Kiwi, and of watching her die. It was really weird too, and I’m not sure how she died, but it was recorded on tape as I just sat back and watched in shock. Tom and I were listening to the tape afterward, trying to decide what we should do about it. Then she was in another dream where she was talking in her journal about looking at 8 years of prison time for whatever.

Lastly, I dreamt that Tom and I were browsing through a gift shop. There were these beautiful little figurines that were unpainted. I wanted to buy a few, plus some paints, and sell them online once I’d painted them. But we were so broke we couldn’t afford the $10 figurines or the $30 paints.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 8, 2009
We got to thinking about what could be in the package that’s on its way and so we were taking guesses, and since they said it was heavy and contained odds and ends, we’re guessing kitchen stuff. I hate to say it as it’s not like I still don’t appreciate their taking the time to send stuff, but I hope that’s not it. For two people who aren’t big on cooking, there’s nothing we really need right now in that department, plus we only have so much room to squeeze stuff into this tiny old trailer. Could also be knickknacks, and again, I kind of hope not. After all, I didn’t just sell tons of dolls because we were broke. I did it to save space and have less to have to dust.

I hope there won’t be any pictures of Larry, Tammy or their kids. Again, I just don’t care about any of them. Right or wrong, I don’t want to know they exist. I know a lot of people think forgiveness is only correct, and while there’s certainly nothing to forgive where the girls are concerned, and while I do remember the good times my sister and I had, as well as with my brother and I, I can’t stand them. I just can’t stand these people. And I know that to resume a relationship with them would only be asking for a new round of bullshit in a matter of months. It might even take years, but I don’t need it soon or not so soon. Neither does Tom.

It’s strange yet true that I got screwed over worse by my sister, in some ways, even though she and I were closer. Remember, Larry dumped me for a decade himself between the mid-80s and mid-90s. He had no contact with anyone in the family except for his saint of an uncle.

Tammy’s current husband, assuming they’re still married, probably abuses her be it physically or mentally or verbally or all of the above. And she probably gets off on it, even if it’s deep down on some sort of twisted subconscious level she’s not even aware of. But only she can get her life straightened out. Meanwhile, I’m preoccupied enough as it is trying to straighten my own life out and accept the fact that there’s a damn good chance my husband and I will always be poor and renting old dumps for the rest of our lives.

Despite getting shit on a little harder by her than by my brother, if I absolutely had to take one of them back into my life, it would definitely be her. She has helped me at times, particularly when I made the mistake of moving to S. Deerfield, and then the dumber mistake of moving to CT. My brother, on the other hand, never really did much for me.

I still can’t believe she turned on me like she did. Forget her actions leading me to jail. If I didn’t know there was a warrant out for my ass, she certainly couldn’t have known it. But why did she give the man who abused her my address so he could sic the pigs on me for telling him off??? Regardless of the fact that I didn’t go about it in the greatest manner, why would someone do that? I can only suspect that she still loved the guy, as sick as it is, but as they say, love is blind. It really is.

Sometimes I still want to ask her, hey, why’d you do that? Why’d you defend the guy who abused you and not your little sis, who just wanted to give him a piece of her mind? But no matter what her answer was, it couldn’t change anything. Or the fact that her actions ultimately led me to spend half a year in jail and lose thousands of dollars, not to mention the mental anguish I went through.

Come on Cali weather warm the hell up already! It’s what we moved here for, isn’t it? Then again, life isn’t usually what we plan it to be, and I didn’t plan for the last few mornings, in July of all months, to be so damn chilly.

For last night’s dreams, all I remember is being on a bus with Tom heading for wherever. The bus driver drove fast and dangerously, but I didn’t seem to mind.

I was also in the hospital for a back injury of some kind. The nurses there were rude to me, and then when Tom took me home he insisted I could still go about my usual routine. But I knew I wouldn’t be able to and was surprised he wasn’t telling me to take it easy.

TUESDAY, JULY 7, 2009
Got a nice surprise on its way from my folks. Fortunately Tom got their call yesterday, but unfortunately for me, my allergies just had to pick yesterday of all days to pick on me for the first time in months. And so the Benadryl I had taken beforehand knocked me out.

Anyway, I thought he was saying they left a message on the cell at first, but they actually spoke on the landline. They were calling to say they’d shipped a package out that day and had a couple more on the way, which I found both exciting and shocking. I didn’t expect to ever again get packages from them, regardless of the time of year or what was going on, so it’s quite a surprise. I guess that due to costing them a fortune to save us, although we did offer to pay them back, may’ve been why I didn’t expect anything like this. We’ll both be looking forward to whatever’s in them! I think Tom said they said something like “odds and ends.”

They talked about things in general, and that’s pretty much it. They said not to worry about calling them back, but I probably will once we get all 3 packages, plus send a letter as I do every few weeks anyway.

Not much else to report on at this time other than that this is the first time I’ve gotten a new low to stick right away. Yeah, I awoke at 124 pounds for the third day in a row, but again I slept forever, so that may be why.

In Dreamland last night, I was in a huge house-like building where only women were housed. I don’t know if it was a school or what it was, but my so-called roommate was telling me about testifying for some girl that was either raped or murdered. At one point, seemingly early in the morning, I got up off my bed, picked up a pile of DVDs, and said I was going to go see if any food was put out yet and return the DVDs to the shelf in front of our would-be room. I guess we were originally going to get a ground-floor room in an area that had lots of activity as opposed to our upper-floor room that was more out of the way.

MONDAY, JULY 6, 2009
The puppy has officially become a problem. Yesterday morning at 10:00 I heard what I thought were sirens. Then I thought it was someone screaming in the distance before I realized the puppy was whining and making this obnoxious squeaking sound. Then I heard Jesse (at least I’m pretty sure it was him) calling to one of the dogs. I know it’ll become more and more frequent too, though Tom doesn’t think so. He also didn’t think last winter would be bad, but it was.

In other news, the cold side of the water dispenser is leaking and I have a feeling it’ll take more time than it’s worth to open it up and fix it, so there’s yet another convenient and nice thing we’ll probably be losing. Then again, maybe we can cork the nozzle somehow.

I awoke at 124 pounds again, but that’s only cuz I slept forever yesterday. Tom’s been sleeping a lot lately, too. I wonder what’s up with that?

SUNDAY, JULY 5, 2009
Woke up at 124 pounds! I look in the mirror and say, “Is that really me? The person who thought she was too old to lose weight? The person who’s well on her way to looking like one of the fitness people on TV?”

Yes, my stomach really is just about flat as a pancake, and I don’t think I even had this much muscle as a 26-year-old dancer who barely weighed 100 pounds!

It’s exciting, though I don’t know why. It’s not like I’ve never been thin before. I guess it’s cuz I worked so hard to get here. Lots of sweat and hunger!

SATURDAY, JULY 4, 2009
Last night, just a few hours after Tom crashed, I ended up waking him up for no reason at all. Yeah, those fucking scammers are getting good! It really looked like it was saying we sent a payment from PayPal that I knew we didn’t send! And so I really thought someone hacked the account, but if I’d stopped to read the misspelled words first, I might not have gotten him up. I’d kick the crap outa you, whoever you are, even though Tom said he didn’t mind and returned to sleep shortly afterward.

We never did see or hear the freeloader’s dogs yesterday, but I don’t know what that means. It’s too soon to say. For all I know, AP never saw the dogs and never left a calling card. I’m hoping they’ve been scared into tying them up again, whether they caught them or not. Guess it’ll depend on what’s more important to them; pissing us off, or not risking losing the damn things.

Jesse’s dogs were loose yesterday and ran up to greet Tom on his way back from the store. He said they didn’t bark at all, but seemed glad to see a car coming in. Yeah, they’re probably attention-starved due to how often Jesse’s gone. He wasn’t there at the time, Tom said, which made him think he wouldn’t be gone long. I don’t know about that. I think it’s possible he might’ve started keeping them loose at all times no matter what.

I enrolled in Italian 202. Tom’s right, the scores mean nothing. Just doing the listening exercises dropped my score yet there was no test involved. You simply listen. I’ve kinda fallen for the speaker’s voice which helps. Her voice sounds really cool. There’s just something about it that makes learning more fun! It’s brewing some story ideas, but I doubt I’ll bother. I have enough other stuff to do and another open story still.

What I’ve read on Italian culture suggests I’d hate Italians. They’re Roman Catholic and very appearance-happy, often judging people solely on looks.

Anyway, Tom’s right. It’s a waste to pay attention to scores when it’s what I retain that matters most, and I do hate numbers after all. The more I review, the more it sticks. And drops my score!

My body’s going into “attack” mode after being in “sticker” mode for a week or so, so I should be 124 pounds within a week since it finally got the 125-pound marker to stick.

There’s been an update on Stacey’s case. I guess she’s really trying to fight it hard, cuz she was arraigned just the other day and has to go back to court in a few days, then again in early December. Originally she had a court date this month and one next month.

Finally a dream I remember well enough for my dream blog, as well as my regular journal, of course. We were renting from Jesse in the dream too, only the whole place looked different. The place itself, the layout of the land, everything was different. The land was flat and we could see Jesse’s place from ours. We were at the end of a long, old, ugly building, next to a busy road or maybe even a train track. I said to Tom, “Do you really think we’re the only ones?” He looked confused. Then I said, “It’s hard to believe he doesn’t have other renters in other parts of this place.”

Then sure enough, a door opened and a black woman, who was beautiful with her makeup applied perfectly, stood in the doorway holding a laundry basket. “I’m sorry,” she said with an apologetic smile. “I didn’t know anyone was living here.”

Then my mood turned totally somber as I saw all the kids in her place behind her, wondering how long it’d be before they got noisy and drove me crazy. I was also wondering how fast we could get a lock on the dividing door, and if the police could find the place easily enough should we ever need them to shut them up, if only for a while. I was surprised I hadn’t felt the vibration of the kids running around as of yet but knew it was just a matter of time before I would.

FRIDAY, JULY 3, 2009
To say that something up there is still determined to beat me over the head with other people’s dogs is an understatement! Let me back up to 6:30 Wednesday morning first when Whiskey went off. It took me forever to get him to shut up because he was going off on something behind the house. This made it harder for him to hear me over his racket, and I didn’t want to shout too loud and wake Tom up.

Yesterday morning, however, two of the renter’s dogs came barking onto the land. They were actually on their way down in back, as is their usual route. Sure enough, they shied away from Tom as he went out and headed toward them. The dogs did look thin, but I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say they’re malnourished. I think that’s just the way these dogs are. I also had to wonder if I was yelling at the wrong dog the morning before which would explain why the magic words didn’t work right away, though I’m pretty sure it was Whiskey and that he just didn’t hear me right away due to where he was.

So after listening to their incredibly obnoxiously loud barking coming from just down in the ditch, I realized it was during business hours and decided to try calling Animal Patrol. I got a hold of a woman and the conversation went something like this:

ME: Hi, who can I report a couple of loose dogs to?

HER: You’re talking to her. Can I get your name and address?

(I give it to her, and the name/address of the dogs’ owners)

HER: And are you sure this is where they live?

ME: Yes. They’ve been complained about before by our landlord who lives just up the hill here. There are two large brown dogs. I know they’ve had up to 3 in the past, but we’ve been seeing two of them lately. One’s a pit bull and one’s missing a back leg. One also wears a blue collar.

HER: Okay, can I get a call-back number from you?

(I give it to her)

After we hung up we never did hear back from them, but we did hear a few more barks from in back. After about 20 minutes we heard nothing. With our shit luck, though, they never could catch the dogs, the freeloaders were out, and they’ll just ignore whatever calling card might’ve been left for them. Meanwhile, I hope Jesse’s here when they come barking onto the land tomorrow since he probably won’t be working being the day before July 4th. Then he can deal with the fucking things for once. But he won’t stay home longer than to sleep!

I still think the only way we’re going to be able to take care of these dogs and probably every other dog we’ll have to live with is to get a gun and shoot them. But we can’t afford a gun right now. This is why I’m hoping they either lost the dogs or have been ordered to tie them up before that typical defiant mood of theirs sets in once again and they turn them loose again in another 4-5 months when we might have extra money for a gun. I don’t know if it’s just defiance or if they figure that the next time around no one will complain or what, but I’m sick of this shit! If dogs didn’t bark I wouldn’t care so much. But they’re too damn loud. Especially at a time when we have our windows open. Typical testy, pushy, rude, inconsiderate freeloaders!

The only thing that makes me hesitant about a retirement community is that while they may not let their dogs run around loose there, and while they take them indoors at night, this is still the West. So do I really want to go back to having them just a few feet away from our place? They’re gonna toss them outside at 6am and basically forget about them until sundown, leaving me to be the one to have to deal with it. I need a quiet place for writing and most of the things I do, but even if I didn’t, I hate to have to sit and listen to such annoying racket! But a retirement community is better than the mainstream where anything goes, including lazy freeloaders, blasting music, wild kids and a million other nuisances.

The freeloaders aren’t the only ones with dogs that are putting us out. One of Jesse’s dogs chewed on a faucet and turned the water on and drained the tank while he was at work. I guess the water pressure was low for a while. And of course Jesse wouldn’t dare pick up a phone and tell us that way, so he came down on the ATV, no doubt psyched to have an opportunity to bug us and check us out while he was at it. After all, he hasn’t been down here in a few weeks, so I figured we would be due for a visit. I think the only reason we went for a couple of months in the winter was that it was cold and rainy. Anyway, I managed to sleep through it all even though I forgot my earplug.

He said he’s also using ditch water to fill the tank faster, so don’t drink from the sink for a couple of weeks, cuz that’s how long it’ll take for it to empty out of the tank. So now we’re put out by his dogs, too. Tom filled up our spare water bottle. My shower stunk like hell, sorta like burnt rubber. As Tom said, he probably used an old garden hose that had been sitting around for a while.

All in all, these are small stresses compared to back in the motel and even last winter when Tom was first laid off, but it still gets old. Especially the dogs. Every single fucking place I’ve ever lived in since leaving New England has had a problem with dogs. I don’t miss living there, but I miss a society that doesn’t think that dogs don’t belong indoors.

Been back on the vitamins for a few days now and now I’m not so sure there’s a connection with my weight. Yesterday I burned 180 calories in 50 minutes, but I don’t think my ass will ever get used to this bike seat. It’s a little better, though. Today I only burned 100 calories cuz I knew I wouldn’t be eating much anyway.

Created a dream blog on Blogger (not the kind I have when I’m awake), but couldn’t remember any dreams to document once I got up.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 1, 2009
Farrah was buried yesterday down in L.A. How sad. Kate looked old and anorexic, but as good as one her age with her kind of money can possibly look.

My tummy’s almost flat now. When I first started losing weight my knees and elbows couldn’t touch when I’d do crunches. Then I could eventually touch one knee/elbow, but not both at the same time. Now I can touch both easily. I’m sure some of it is due to stronger ab muscles as well as a loss of inches.

Today, now yesterday, I burned the 140-calorie cookie I ate for breakfast on the bike in 35 minutes.

I started taking the vitamins again to see if it affects my weight and makes it climb again. I awoke at 125 pounds again and if I were on days I might wake up at 124. But because I’m on nights right now I’m only losing about half a pound in my sleep.

We saw Brandy up at the fork when we were leaving yesterday evening while we bombed. Tom thinks Jesse doesn’t realize how far off she wanders, and that she’s probably going to see the renter’s dogs because there are male dogs there. I wonder if Jesse’s being too lazy to get her fixed is part of why they come around as often as they do. And is Jesse really gone so often these days that he never sees them? I guess he must be. Anyway, as soon as Whiskey or some other dog knocks her up again, maybe then he’ll fix her as long as he isn’t planning to start a puppy mill up there.

Hopefully, we’ll be getting a couple of hundred bucks off of August’s rent once Tom picks up the flooring he ordered and shows it to Jesse. He won’t have to pay the $50 in sales tax either. I guess one of the flooring stores went out of business and so that’s part of why. He’s going to call tomorrow to find out where to pick it up and give them the GC. He’ll be getting 6 boxes of light Maplewood-colored flooring. If Jesse doesn’t want it, we’ll advertise on Craigslist. Hopefully whatever we get for it, from whoever we get it from, will help him get his Mac back. July is when we’re aiming to get the TV back.

It really sucks that there are not going to be any more wins like this. That reminds me, OLS has me blocked now. Tom says they’re not blocking me personally, but that the site’s down for maintenance. Wow, as in the upgrade they’ve been promising for years? Could be, but I think they really have decided to block me, though I don’t know why they waited until now to do it. Why would they do anything that would shut out everybody for what’s been two days now? This is ok, though, as I cannot stand them. There are better sites that are free, though I haven’t been bothering to sweep lately. Not in this economy. Why sweep to lose? When the economy picks up and more people are working instead of sweeping and making the odds even more insane, then maybe I’ll go back to it.

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Last updated July 31, 2024