September 2009 in 2000s

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2009
Upping my exercise time and working at the MT is going great so far! I’m down another pound, and Tom can easily see, after a few days of working at this site, that he could make at least $5 a day. And that’s a conservative guess, too. In another week or two, if it continues going well for him, we’ll open up my own account there. To bring in an extra $300 a month between the two of us would be awesome! In fact, it almost seems too good to be true as long as this site’s been around and as much praise as it’s gotten, so I’m not even going to get my hopes up just yet. Besides, I wouldn’t be living up to my pessimistic nature if I did, would I?

I was going to burn 400 calories on the bike each day, but if 350 is making a difference, then why go for 400 and aggravate my knees even more? My goal is to lose 13 more pounds which would put me at 110 pounds. Then, since it wouldn’t just stay there on its own at nearly 44 years of age, I’ll slack off on the diet/exercise till I float on up to 115. Once I hit 115, I’ll diet and ride on back down to 110 and just kind of bounce between that 5-pound range.

Once my schedule moves forward a little more we’re going to go apply for Medicaid since no one’s gonna give us shit. I tried to tell Tom that all this talk about insurance was bullshit. That’s how politics usually works; all talk and no action. If they really wanted to give us insurance, they would have. Seriously, why couldn’t they just have done it? I always believed that whether it’s a group or an individual, the more they talk about something without actually doing anything, the less serious they are about whatever it is they “say” they’re gonna do.

It’s getting down to 47º tonight so I’ve got the portable going in the bedroom. We agreed to sic the heating on Jesse. He’s the one with money. But we don’t want it to be too noticeable on the electric bill either, so we’re just going to stall firing up the trailer’s heater, which runs on propane, till it gets cold enough that we can’t open windows in the daytime. If it’s like it was last year, it shouldn’t get too bad till December.

Later…

I can already tell the barking is going to be an issue again soon. We’re having another cool day in what’s been over a week, and sure enough, I heard a few scattered barks throughout the wee hours of the night and into the early morning. Thank God construction workers get a lot of time off! However, he does go out every single day, working or not. It’s when he’s out that I have to deal with it. Brandy and Whiskey may know me, but the puppy doesn’t. So when it becomes a problem, yelling up to be quiet may not do me any good. I just hope this guy doesn’t go adding any more dogs to his collection for me to have to deal with while we’re still here! Why does everyone out here have to have at least 3 dogs and leave them outside 24/7???

At least we have the MT to look forward to, plus a few other neat sites that’ll pay a little here and a little there. We’re thinking we may use money from the MT to start his horse program at some point, but I can’t discuss that much here. The more people that know about it, the less we could make. He’s been fine-tuning/testing it since being laid off, but it’s needed about $50 to jump-start it and we haven’t wanted to spend the money till we were doing better. If the program could generate a lot of money fast, then we would have, but since we expect it to gradually build up, we didn’t see the need to rush into it.

For a while there, I didn’t want to kill myself, but I stopped feeling like I had anything worth living for. But now, for the first time in months, I actually feel like I have a reason to get up for each day (or night in some cases). Just maybe we won’t always be so damn broke, and just maybe we will have something above and beyond this quiet, cozy, but old and dumpy little trailer in a few years, and we too, can have our own share of that so-called American dream.

Or maybe God’s just waiting for the right moment to yank the carpet out from under our feet yet again, laugh and say, “And you thought you were going to get ahead and get into the driver’s seat of your life – ha!”

I sure hope not, though, and would like to think He could never hate us that much, but only time will tell. I don’t want to be negative, but I don’t want to get my hopes up either despite the more positive feeling and outlook I’m coming to have on things.

A fellow kiwier sent me a link to what seems to be a great site. It’s not for paid emails or surveys or anything. You just play their daily game, answer the daily question, refer friends, and you can choose from a huge variety of prizes with your points. The cool part is that it shouldn’t take forever to be able to get something. I’ve been working for months just to get a lousy $10 Walmart card from Memolink! Just as soon as I get it, I’m done with them.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2009
How frustrating! I finally got some names from Gregg yet ended up with the very problem I was afraid I’d end up with. Unfortunately, he only had names from ’77 and ’78 and nothing from ’76, which I think is the most likely year that I was at Camp Naomi. I ran some of the names, but the problem is that you have to pay to send messages on most sites except for Facebook and MySpace. So I sent several messages to people with the names he gave me, then FB decided I must be spamming and disabled my account. rolls eyes Oh well, it’s only Facebook. I almost never use FB or MS, and when I do it’s usually cuz of some contest. I have been messaging Jessie on FB, though, so I told her to go back to emails until I get the account squared away and reactivated, and I think I will. Still, they need to come up with a better way to send multiple messages to those who aren’t “friends.”

I’m grateful to Gregg for taking the time to come up with the names for me, but if any of them are the person I’m looking for, I don’t know where to begin as far as making contact goes. None of the names jumped out at me. I still say it’s someone from ’76. I already know who the unit head of ’74 was and we don’t remember each other, so it’s almost certainly someone from ’76. I wish it were the same people every year! But it’s just a summer temp job, so the unit heads and nurses change every year. I’m also almost certain it was a unit head. I doubt she could’ve been a nurse because we spent the whole morning together. It’s hard to believe we could’ve hung out together and played with her dog in the woods all morning long without her having to see anyone had she been a nurse.

Damn! I wish I still had that Polaroid she gave me! It should have a year on it. If it said something like 1971, that wouldn’t mean much if it were taken years before the earliest I could’ve possibly been there, but if it said 1975 or 1976, that’d confirm that no, I wasn’t there in 1974. And somehow I doubt she’d have taken a Polaroid of the dog to camp that had been taken years ago.

sighs Guess there’s nothing else either of us can do at this point. I’m just not meant to know who she was. All I can do is hope she gets curious enough to check for anything online like I did and happens to stumble upon my posts and remembers me. She should remember more than me. She was an adult. At least we tried! Maybe in another 14 years, I’ll come even closer.

I’m having doubts about doing the AdSense thing.

Tom’s still working at that site I mentioned yesterday. I got a comment on KB from someone saying they’d been working there for two years, but they have dial-up, so they can’t do much. Tom said he thinks he can do even more once he gets his Mac back, though that’s not looking likely till November. Meanwhile, he’s only doing small jobs to make sure he really is going to get paid for at least most of them. If so, then he’ll move on to bigger jobs that pay more.

At the end of my day yesterday I had become convinced that upping my daily calorie burn wasn’t going to help and that I should cut my calories some more (not that I want to lose more weight bad enough to actually do so), but now I’m not so sure. I awoke down half a pound, even though I should be up. I had around 2000 cals yesterday and only burned 300. Today’s goal is 400. Every hour I ride off 30. Gotta go do that now!

Later…

I thought I’d stop in and do a little update, even though it’s not much of one. I’ve got a total of 330 calories burned on my hourly bike rides, but now my knees are starting to get to me, so I might not make my goal of 400 today. When I’m able to do 400 a day, that should amount to just under an hour of riding.

It’s cloudy and cool today. We have the windows shut and the fans turned off. We’ll need to open windows later, but probably not until the afternoon. I’m just glad it’s not going down to 28º tonight like it will in K-Falls!

Let’s see, what else. I haven’t started the French course yet, but I reviewed a little Italian and Portuguese, I worked on my story, I proofread/edited old journals, plus I did my usual online work and hobbies. Listened to music for a while, too.

Later…

OK, I brought my total burn to 350 calories and now my knees are saying, “No more today!” So 400 will just have to wait.

I feel like writing, but have nothing to say. I hate coming to the end of my day and not being ready to sleep, but not awake enough to do anything productive. Guess I’ll just go play some Yahoo games.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2009
Working at Mechanical Turk is going well, Tom said after his first day on the job. This thing’s been around for 4 years now. How it would’ve helped to have known about this back in the motel! Even when he was first laid off. He doesn’t expect it to pay what a regular job pays, but it’s looking like it will generate a hell of a lot more extra money than the paid emails/surveys ever could.

As for me, I just might get paid for journaling after all, LOL! I always did say I wanted to get paid for my work too, though it wouldn’t be the journals themselves I’d be paid for. LiveJournal has this thing where if you upgrade for $20, AdSense will insert ads into your journal and you make money every time someone clicks on them. I’m not sure I want to do this. I’m going to take my time and think about it. I don’t like paying to get paid, but if I’m going to get paid more than I paid, it might be worth it.

I’ve tweaked my diet routine again. Actually, I tweaked the exercise part of it. Rather than lower my daily calorie intake, I decided to up the daily calories I burn. I’m burning 30 each hour that I’m awake on the bike. So if I do at least 14 of these hours that’s 420 burned! About one of my two main meals. If this fails to get me out of the rut I’ve been stuck in – fine. I’m not lowering my cals anymore than I have. So if it doesn’t work, then I’ll stay in the low-mid 120s.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2009
I have what may be some good news, but first, I was reading about how Susan Atkins died a few days ago. I was always fascinated with the Manson case. Disgusted as with any other heinous crime, but fascinated nonetheless. Andy was once in the house Sharon Tate and the others were killed in which they were renting at the time. He thought it strange to be standing in the exact spot on the lawn in which Abigail Folger was stabbed to death and looking up at the rafters inside the house that they slung the ropes over.

It makes me wonder yet again what kind of afterlife may or may not await us. Is Susan in hell? Is there even a hell? Is she having this grand confrontation with Sharon? Has Sharon forgiven her (I hope not)? Or could it be that God’s saying to Susan, “It’s a good thing you killed Sharon’s unborn child? He only would’ve grown up to rape and murder dozens of women.”

Guess we’ll never know till our own time comes.

We’re still getting our mail delivered to the UPS Store for free. This is because when they switched locations they messed up their records.

Tom went to check for messages on the cell phone and was surprised to find there weren’t any minutes left. Knowing that that couldn’t be, he called them from the landline and found he was being charged a dime every time someone would call. And with all the things we do online, that’s like every other minute. So they said that was an error on their part and they gave him more minutes than he lost, but they’re still charging him, so he’s gotta call back on Monday.

Passed Portuguese 202 with a 90%. Next, it’s on to French, then maybe German, then Romanian.

Ok, the good news that I HOPE really is good news. First, I awoke in the early evening and told Tom I had a dream where we were once again in a two-story house. I don’t get the two stories since we both agree we want to stick to small places from now on. Not microscopic like this 500-square-foot trailer, but 1000 square feet would suit us just fine. 1200-1500 would be most comfy, but we could get by just fine with 1000, and believe me, 1000 would be a luxury to us! I no longer collect dolls, and once we get a place of our own, I’m going to take what dolls I don’t end up selling and enclose them in a case of some kind so that they’re not scattered all over the place. This way I also won’t have to dust the damn things.

So anyway, I not only have this dream about the house, but about receiving insurance come Christmastime, and something about a job. Only I couldn’t recall what the job was about for the life of me.

Interestingly enough, though, Tom may have a pretty decent home job that’s actually legit and that doesn’t ask you to pay to work for anyone or waste your time seeing if you qualify for something. It’s recommended for college kids or people who are between jobs. I don’t think you could make enough to live on, but it might be a damn good way to supplement your income. Way better than any of the survey or paid-email sites. He learned about making money on Amazon through an article he read. I guess there’s a huge database with a network of companies that want everything from comments to reviews, pictures, opinions, general information, etc. It’s a bunch of companies looking to gather info that would rather pay tons of people pennies apiece to give them that info, rather than hire someone. Most of the things only pay a few cents, but there are millions of different things that could really add up. We’re hoping it will anyway. Some expire in hours, some days, some up to a year. One company was willing to pay 35¢ for posting a picture of a birthday cake that you made. Another paid 3¢ just to be told what gender you were. Some of the funnier ones asked how long it took for rigor mortis to set into a guinea pig and if you had experience talking with ghosts.

The biggest thing is being honest, taking your time, and not doing it when you’re tired. He’s going to be checking it out on his own for a while and if it amounts to anything significant I’ll create my own account. We’ve wanted a home job for ages now, especially for me who doesn’t drive and can’t keep a damn schedule. As long as I had a few free hours each day to hang with him, clean, work out, and do some writing, I’d work from the minute I got up till the minute I crashed if they were willing to PAY ME FOR MY DAMN TIME AND EFFORT!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2009
We thought Bendejo was dying, but then he got better. Now he’s acting like he’s on his way out again. Something’s wrong with his back leg. It’s like it’s either injured or he has arthritis. Well, he and his brother are getting old for rats. I’m gonna turn them loose to explore, run around and exercise soon. For how long? I guess until they abuse their freedom. I don’t know what it is with these guys. Other rats we could leave out for hours and they wouldn’t usually be too destructive. They’re trained to a degree, but male rats aren’t nearly as smart as females. In the daytime, it doesn’t matter as much as they’re just gonna look for a place to crash all day. Puerco usually sleeps in the closet while Bendejo sleeps under the couch or on the bed.

Although I’m sticking to paid email sites, I’ve given up on surveys again. Too much time just to be told I don’t qualify. They should at least give you something for taking the time to answer the pre-qualifying questions!

Tom and I did a worst-case-scenario budget for the rest of the year, and since we’ve smartened up with money, we should not only be ok but we should also be able to get his Mac back in November. And this is without any extras. No jobs, no birthday/holiday money, no online job payments, no wins, no eBay sales, no nothing. All we have to do is hope no curve balls that we can’t see are thrown at us.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2009
Hey, I made Journal of the Day two entries ago on KB! Cool.

Our check was mailed yesterday, so it should arrive today since it’s only coming from Sacramento.

Sadly, but not surprisingly, there are all kinds of editorials on how reviled Mary is and why, and a slew of opinions expressed for what the future may hold for her. I only hope most of what they’re counting on is wrong! They’re basically painting a picture of a woman who is still young, dumb and naïve and bound to end up barefoot and pregnant all over again. These are people who obviously have never been brainwashed and controlled by fear and intimidation. Yes, she failed to protect her kid by not getting her away from the monster she was with. She herself has never denied that. She regrets letting the fear and threats stop her. But I also don’t think she should be held accountable for HIS actions.

And as for how much she’s learned. Mary may still be too trusting in some ways, but I think she’s learned a lot and matured over the years. Her writing skills alone show that she’s not dumb. She may not be a genius, but the potential is there. Unfortunately, however, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if she did go back to having babies. It’s all she ever knew. It’s just what Mary does just like learning languages is what I do. I don’t know how the hell she’ll afford it, and I hate to see the kid suffer and be teased in school on account of its mother’s past, but who knows? Maybe she’ll surprise everyone in that department and not have any more children. Either way, it’s her life. She has to make these decisions herself. I will support her either way as a friend, but I will also be as honest as I can be, too. I’m not going to encourage her to return to smoking, for example, just because she may want to. Those things kill. They nearly killed me.

I was a little surprised to learn her lawyer’s been representing her for free. For some reason, I thought her family was paying him. I was also surprised to read she’d be let out with no financial or family support. But what about her brother? Also, I thought her family had money. I think they’ve been sending her $200 a month but can’t say for sure.

Later…

I love the cool colors the KB journals have that are so easy to access/use, but I am SICK TO DEATH of the tech issues! Millions of other sites don’t have all these problems, so why must KB? I got annoyed enough to make entries at the other journal sites, not sure if I’d get fed up with KB for the millionth time and take off for a while.

It’s been in the 90s all week. Wish it could stay this way forever!

It was payday today which means I’m eating like a pig, not working out, and just taking the day off to do whatever. I chatted on FB with Jessie and I’m not even doing any cleaning. I’ve probably had more calories today than I usually have in 3 days! I am going to get in some writing, though. I’m working on two stories at once. Hey, the ideas come faster than I can turn them into stories, even short ones. I know some people say their best writing moments take place in the daytime and that the beginning of a story is the hardest for them, but for me, it’s just the opposite. I’m a nighttime writer who’s really on a roll during the first few chapters. So when I’m on nights I let that creativity come out. It’s almost 10pm here, so my creative side will probably be flowing till around 5am, though I’ll take breaks to eat and listen to music here and there.

Uh-oh. clutches tummy Maybe I’ll be paying for all that candy I ate instead. :(

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2009
I knew it, I just fucking knew it! I always did say that when it comes to anyone in law enforcement or the media you can’t believe a word they say, and it’s so true. It started with me wondering why it’s been 3 weeks since Mary’s been released yet hasn’t contacted me. Would she have decided, either before or after the release, that she didn’t want to bother with me on the outside? I asked myself. Anything’s possible, but it just doesn’t seem like something she would do.

So then I jumped online to see what I could find and what I did find had me bursting into tears of both anger and sadness. The fucking lying, scumbag of a judge overrode her plea agreement and she’s now on her way to prison till June of 2011! What the fuck’s the point of having a plea agreement if the judge isn’t going to stick to it? And how much more must she be punished? She’s not the one who killed her kid. Isn’t the guilt of knowing she failed to protect the kid punishment enough? Nothing’s ever going to bring her kid back, and nothing’s ever going to ease her guilt about it. She’s already been punished for life and then some. And after she gets out she’ll have two years of probation.

The shit of a judge fucked up even more by giving the Monster life instead of the death he deserves which the jury had recommended. It’s life with no parole, but it’s LIFE nonetheless.

I think I know why the fucking cock overrode the agreement, too. Well, obviously most pigs, lawyers and judges love the power and feeling of control that comes with playing with people’s heads and lives and getting them all psyched up for nothing, but I think they only “agreed” to the agreement just to get her testimony, not that she wouldn’t have testified anyway. Believe me, she was more than looking forward to being Gretchen’s voice. I also think the judge wanted to keep her locked up for as many more of her childbearing years as possible. Either way, it happens all the time. They promise you this and they promise you that. Then when they get what they want from you they turn around and stab you in the back. This is EXACTLY what I feared would happen. It wasn’t a vibe either, just plain logic and knowing how twisted the system is. They always tell you things will be “fine” or make deals they know they’re not going to keep.

Just read some more where it says the State Attorney’s Office was involved in reneging on the deal, not the judge, although one report did say it was up to the judge. But it doesn’t matter as a legal deal is a deal and it should remain as is. This is why I don’t trust or believe anything they promise about medical insurance and why I’m ready to just go and apply for Medicaid, even if it means waiting all day with a million screaming kids whose mothers don’t even try to shut them up.

2011 – damn! That’s nearly two more years. I’m just as furious as I am sad for her. She’s gotta be really hurting. If I didn’t know any better I’d tell her to file an appeal, but appeals don’t work so what’s the point? And being white and female doesn’t help either. But she’s a very strong person. I don’t think I could’ve survived all she has and come as far as she has. Even if she has to pretend God cares about her as a means of coping, she’ll make it through. If she can make it through 10 years of jail, she can do a couple in prison. Prison is much easier, though it can also be more dangerous from what I’ve heard. If someone with a life sentence with no chance of parole feels like killing someone because they have a nasty old headache that just won’t quit, what have they got to lose? Strong or not, I can just imagine how scared and devastated she must be right now, the poor thing!

Meanwhile, I emailed her shit lawyer (yeah, I wonder just how much he may’ve known beforehand, although he did seem shocked in the video clip I saw) and asked that he hang onto the things we sent and give them to her when she finally is released. And of course, who knows if they’ll even let her out in 2011? It wouldn’t surprise me if they pulled another fast one on her at that time, though more than likely that would be to extend her probation afterward, not her sentence.

If Tom and I had known what was to happen in my case 10 years ago we’d have run for damn sure, and it’s not like there weren’t red flags all over the place. There were. They called me in for a little pre-sentencing interview and some of the questions asked were: Are you going to try to fight your case? And: What is your property worth?

Now what in the world does my property value have to do with the issue at hand? I thought at the time. It was like they were trying to get a sense of what they could take me for and how easily they could do it. But like a fool, I believed my lawyer when he said everything would be ok and that it was just “routine,” especially since I knew that of all the times I’d done something wrong, this wasn’t one of them. We weren’t shown any of the falsified evidence until just minutes before sentencing and we didn’t yet know that the pig on the case was friends with the people trying to screw me. It’s one scary, twisted world we live in, huh? And if what happened to me could happen to me, it could happen to anybody! So no matter what they try to threaten or bluff you with, never talk to a pig that may drag you in for interrogation. Never! If they threaten to lock you up if you insist on a lawyer being present – let them!

Still nothing from Gregg. I hope he doesn’t blow me off, but I think in the end he’ll either acknowledge that he couldn’t find out anything or will be able to provide me with a name. I think getting a name should be the easy part if they keep records. It’s making contact that may be hard.

Later…

Tom and I were discussing Mary’s case. He agrees that while she got screwed over – no doubt about that – some good could come of this. The prison may be able to line up a job for her afterward that she couldn’t normally just go out and get wherever. It may also help make the transition back into the real world easier.

He’s got a point, but it still sucks to see the courts, who are supposed to uphold laws, agreements, deals, etc., make and break the rules at will. The courts could tell me that I must either testify or go to prison for life and I STILL wouldn’t buy it! If I testified it would be because I wanted to and that’s what I alone chose to do. And no, the truth will not always set you free. You shouldn’t lie in court, but you shouldn’t admit to anything either. She gave them 10 years of her life, she gave them the testimony needed to put the Monster away that killed her baby, and she was a model inmate. And this is how the fucking judge pays her back? Way to go, Judge! May you one day soon enough be on your way to fuck up someone else’s life and drop dead of a heart attack before you get the chance to do it!

Really, how do these people play God with so many people’s lives and not be at least somewhat fearful of retaliation from either the people they’re playing with or their families? I’d never have the guts to be a judge. And have to watch my back everywhere I went? No thanks! I would think that sooner or later, whether the person deserved what I gave them or not, someone just may decide to play God with my own life in return.

I swear that poor girl is way more cursed than I’ve ever been and I’m 12 years older. I can totally relate to the frustration, depression and anguish she’s got to be feeling right now. Her trust in the system is no doubt shot to hell. I gave the state of Arizona everything. Everything. And that includes taking it upon myself to seek a therapist before I was even sentenced, even if it was mostly to deal with the stress they themselves were putting on me. But enough was never enough for that state and nothing was ever good enough for the vindictive control freaks that we’re supposed to be able to trust to do the right thing. I was white. The “opponent” was black. And I was in a city growing so fast that getting as many people as possible in jail or on probation was a major profit for it. So it wasn’t just about power and control. It was a money and race issue as well.

Tom says this is a common thing going on lately in Florida and that a lot of people are getting screwed there. This is part of why the population is dropping there for the first time ever. People GO to Florida, they don’t LEAVE it. But this is exactly what’s been happening lately. The birthrate and immigration rates are dropping, too – yay! I hope it doesn’t pick up along with the economy, but the dropping birthrate (with the exception of 2007) has more to do with the Women & Work movement than anything else. Women are getting more and more pressured to skip kids and work hard, and a lot more of them want to do so anyway, regardless of what may be hip and trendy at the time. That’s ok, though, with all the damn people in this country, there’ll still be too many people!

Some people have wondered why I’m so angry so much of the time. Well, this is just one of many reasons, and no, I don’t feel bad or wrong about my feelings/emotions. I’d have to wonder about myself if I DIDN’T feel some anger at times.

In better news, after switching to the alcohol-based mouthwash, gargling in saltwater and returning to yogurts, my mouth is much better. Yay, I can move on to a new problem now! Hey, variety is the spice of life, right? rolls eyes

Damn this entry’s long! What else? Nothing. I’d rather have nothing going on than bad things going on, but I still wish the economy and whatever’s up there would kindly let us move on and quit holding us back as it has for nearly a year now. sighs Most people would love to get paid to sit on their asses, but still, it’s time to move on!

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2009
Why oh why must I always have something going on with me? Everything else is fine, but a few days ago I noticed what felt like a burning sensation under my tongue. Then it got worse over the next couple of days and my mouth felt totally gross. My entire tongue and insides of my cheeks were aflame with irritation, even though I was brushing my teeth and rinsing with mouthwash like crazy. I knew at this point that it couldn’t be gingivitis and was worried I had some infection that would need antibiotics. Remember, I’m one of God’s oh-so-lucky ones to be chosen to be poor, on unemployment, and without insurance. You know, the one that just can’t get ahead due to circumstances totally out of her control?

So anyway, I was inspecting my tongue in the mirror and was horrified to find the entire top of my tongue was all discolored. Then Tom did some research and found it could be what’s called thrush and it could be caused by running out of yogurt like I did. It turns out that it’s nothing that isn’t supposed to be there, as we always have bacteria and yeast in our mouths. It’s just overkill with me right now. The yogurt supposedly balances these things out, especially if you’re eating it every day like I was. Then when you suddenly stop, it can cause things to get out of balance. There are things a doctor can give you to ease the symptoms faster, but it can make you more prone to having it come back because antibiotics can cause yeast infections. I used to get them all the time in my crotch when I was young. So we’re treating it by having me gargle with salt water and switching to an alcohol-based mouthwash. I’ll also go back to the yogurts.

It’s not as bad as when my ear and teeth act up, but it’s annoying enough. I also don’t understand why I just HAVE to have something. If it isn’t one thing it’s another. Why can’t I go a whole week with nothing going on??? Even the chest pains and pains in my left arm are back again, though I still seriously doubt anything’s wrong with my heart. I run or ride 5 miles nearly every day, I don’t smoke, I eat right, I got my weight under control, so I should have a healthy heart.

Last night I heard the strangest sound at 2am when I went into the bathroom. At first I wasn’t sure what it was until I stuck my ear in the open window. It was 2-3 dogs barking so hysterically as if something were trying to kill them. Then they just suddenly stopped. As suddenly as if a switch were flicked. Since when do dogs suddenly just stop barking? Especially that kind of wild, frantic barking? I couldn’t tell where it was coming from. Either far away or someplace close that was enclosed. I’d love to say it was Jesse or the renters’ dogs, but I know I couldn’t get that lucky, as quiet as they’ve been. I can’t imagine what could be out here that could kill two or more dogs in an instant if that’s what really happened. To my knowledge, there are no bears or wolves here. Just coyotes and deer and deer aren’t usually active at night. I didn’t hear any gunshots either.

Anyway, the paid emails and survey sites are really picking up. I’ve got nearly $100 racked up at about half a dozen sites. I’d gladly settle for making just $100 a month! The paid emails are better. You make more with surveys, but you usually don’t qualify for surveys, so that’s why I like the paid emails. You’re guaranteed to get paid that way.

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2009
Back down 1½ pounds which usually happens after a couple of days of having just 1000 calories and burning 200 of them working out.

I sure have a lousy bone structure when it comes to the face. The area where the cheek and jaw meet is so wide that my face looks huge and round no matter what I weigh.

Jesse came down in his truck to get something from his shit pile. I wish all his 10,000 vehicles were that quiet. I never would’ve known he came down if Tom hadn’t seen him.

It’s strange having a husband who’s 150 pounds heavier than me. I hope he can find the willpower, for once and for all, to lose some weight for the sake of his health before it causes him any problems, even though I still think the connection between obesity and health problems is hyped up. Being underweight causes more problems. I know. I’ve been there.

Got a really nice letter from Rosa. I’m not only impressed with how much English she’s learned, but how well she spells and writes it. For some reason, most people’s English in the US is terrible. They can’t spell and their grammar sucks. But she does really well for someone whose native language isn’t English.

She said that’s neat that I’ve kept a journal for so long (I might send her excerpts from County) and that I can always go back and see what has changed. Well, like most people, I’m not the same person I was 10 years ago. My attitude, beliefs, tastes and goals have changed in many ways, and I’m sure they will be different from what they are today in another 10 years, but that’s not my main reason for keeping a journal. I find it a fun way to record the good times and a good way to vent the bad times, not that I can’t vent to Tom and my friends, but writing and talking are just different. I also find it handy to refer back to certain details I may’ve forgotten, like what town in Maine Camp Naomi was in.

Then again, there is another cool thing about journaling and that’s not only to laugh at the funny times but to be glad that the bad times are just a memory. Like the noise and lack of privacy we had at the duplex, being sandwiched in like we were there by the duplex to one side, and the nut attached to us on the other. Paula laughed, not that she didn’t also sympathize with me when I said that I wished I could open the bathroom window there to let the steam out since there was no fan to suck it out, but that they were always hanging out back there and I could practically pop the screen out and shake hands with them! Well, they ended up hearing from me in return when I finally decided to stop being considerate of those who weren’t considerate of us and started blasting my music. And running around and stomping and banging on moving day was loads of fun, too!

She said I can write her in Portuguese when I finish learning it. Well, I’m not finished yet, but I can throw in a few phrases in my next letter.

Rosa’s not with her husband anymore. He’s remarried with kids. I also misunderstood when she said she gets visits from her son and mom. She actually hasn’t seen her son in 7 years or her mom in 10, though she does call them in Mexico periodically. Her only visits are a couple from a church that sees her a few times a year. Yeah, the church can be as caring and compassionate as they are hateful and bigoted. I’m sorry I can’t visit her, though I’m also not at all sorry to be out of that damn state, even if I miss a few aspects of it.

She said she can’t believe I’m down to 122 pounds and I should probably stop right there or else I’ll blow away. laughs I don’t think she remembers how short I am. I’d actually look ok as low as 100 (Tom disagrees) but will settle for 115. So, 7 more pounds to go!

She also made me a card that she wrote in Spanish which is cool so I get to read at least some Spanish. Other than that, she says not much happens there. They’re just a bunch of women in orange doing time. Hey, orange sure beats those hideous black and white stripes at Estrella!

It was a good day for samples. Dove shampoo and conditioner, shampoo and conditioner from some other company, blueberry cornflakes cereal – can’t complain there! Probably won’t be back to the mail place till check day next Thursday.

Tom said he read this article listing the worst singers around. He was shocked to find that Madonna was one of the ones listed. We agree she’s not great, but she’s adequate enough. Then Miley shows up, and again, quite like myself, she’s not great, but she’s certainly good. Between a 7-8. The biggest shocker of all was Celine Dion. She may be a little bit ugly, at least in my opinion, but I would think most people would agree she’s a fantastic singer. Her accent just sounds goofy at times. Guess it’s just a matter of opinion, though I think Paris Hilton should definitely have made that list along with Kelly Osbourne. They’re almost as bad as I used to be!

He also read that while Spanish is easier than Italian, and French is the hardest romance language, which I already knew, German is said to be the easiest language to learn if your native language is English. I guess it has some similarities to English. Maybe someday I’ll check it out and find out if it’s true.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2009
They live inside my head. Those things called memories. And I know there’s got to be more memories of my days at Camp Naomi, as brief as they were, and as long ago as they were. I just wish I could dig them up!

Getting really sick of hearing about celebs adopting kids from other countries. Not only do I not understand why you’d want kids just so a nanny can raise them, but what’s wrong with adopting a kid who lives here? Why does it always have to be foreigners with them? It’s like the kids in their own damn country aren’t good enough for them or something.

I guess all I had to do was bitch about it in yesterday’s entry cuz now my weight’s dropping again. I’d say I was just getting too carried away with the junk and drinking too much soda. Drinking water instead of soda, even if it’s calorie-free, makes a huge difference for some reason. My goal: To bust under the 120-marker, though it may take a while to do it.

Did a variety of things throughout the day, as usual. Took the next Portuguese lesson, reviewed Italian, worked on my story, cleaned the oven and bathroom, worked out, etc.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2009
I was going to call my folks today at 5 PT, but then I decided it was too close to my last letter to them, so I’ll wait a week or two.

If they told Charlotte I’m working on my 5th language and expanding up my 4th, she’ll think they’re joking or I’m crazy, LOL!

I hated to bring up my problems with Tammy and her brood to them. I always thought low of those who couldn’t simply go to the source of their troubles and face them directly. I used to hate it when Andy would drag others into our disputes. But it was the only way to bring up the issue of anything they may want to leave to us, not that they have to leave us a dime, and the issue of their funerals and why I wouldn’t be present. If it weren’t for those things I’d never have burdened them with petty shit like Tammy since they have enough of their own problems. Meanwhile, I’ve made it as inconvenient as I can (until she emails me) for her and her kids to contact me. I’m sure it’s just a matter of time before the cyberbullying begins again, and it really sucks to know that there’s nothing I can do about it that I know of. You can send threatening emails every day and unless you’ve sent it to someone like the president, there’s not much protection and punishment against cyberstalking. The courts often throw out anything computer-related knowing how often computers get hijacked and how easy it is to manipulate something to look a certain way. The Megan Meier case is a great example of how easy it is to get away with harassing someone on the internet. But the more ports I close, the less I have to deal with their shit.

And all because I dumped them a decade ago and wouldn’t take them back into my life when they tried to get back in it this year! My sister should’ve thought of that before she knowingly and intentionally, as she finally admitted, sought to get me jailed for letting her ABUSIVE EX know just what I wanted to do to him at the time for supposedly abusing her and Lisa. Things are different now, though. Now they can all beat the shit out of each other. I wouldn’t care. They can even kill each other. Put up with one abusive man that you break free of, you’re a victim. Seek out one abusive man after another and stay with them for years, you’re a wimp who deserves it. Especially when you spite those who were just sticking up for you.

So much for resolving to discuss negative things like them less and positive things more!

Ok, so on with the positive now. Oops, two more negative things first! My back’s been fucked up and I’m up a few pounds. I don’t know what’s going on with my back. I still do tons of ab crunches yet I have lower back pain as well as this pain that’s sort of toward the middle.

As for the weight, I guess I’m either eating more than I realize or my body just wants to “reset” itself more or less. It’s common to gain lost weight back even if you keep dieting and exercising. It could also be muscle weight gain, but I doubt it. My legs are firmer than they’ve ever been in their lives, though! It’s even starting to affect their flexibility, so it’s still possible that the more I ride the bike, the more I gain muscle. They sure feel like they’ve been worked out, especially the quads. If my flexibility is affected anymore I may let the muscles atrophy a bit.

I want to start sculpting my arms more. My shoulders and biceps are built up nicely, but I want to work more on my triceps.

I’ve fallen into a routine on the bike. I burn the first 100 cals at once, then 4 times throughout the rest of the day I burn 25 cals, bringing the daily total to 200. It usually takes about 3 minutes to burn 25 cals.

Got a quick message from Gregg today telling me to be patient, I’ve waited 35 years, in a few weeks I should have my answers. So he’s still on the case.

There are no guarantees in life, but to be able to contact this woman, be it by phone, email or postal mail would be totally awesome. I’ve always wanted to thank her and have always been curious as to why she cared that much. What made me special to her? If I wasn’t special, then she sure did a good job of making me feel that way, and as I said before, that means a lot to a kid who went through the hell I went through. My mother may not be the worst person in the world and she may not have woken up one day and decided she was going to deliberately make her kids’ lives suck, but life with her even on her best of days was quite stressful. She was just no fun at all. Even when she wasn’t being negative and controlling, she so rarely laughed or had much of a sense of humor.

The whole thing spawned a cool story idea. Tom liked it too, and agreed it’s something that I, as a suspense writer, would come up with. I was thinking I could have a person who, like myself, is looking for someone they once knew in their past. And they too, keep an online journal. Then they finally find the person they’re looking for, who knows a lot about their life already from reading their journal. Only catch is that it’s not really who the person is supposed to be! I’ve already got a title for it, too: The Reunion. Maybe I’ll work on that along with Espressioni, which now has 25 pages.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2009
I handed my brother a card I’d written for him. He took it, started to read it, then stopped. “Por que tu no leyendo mí tarjeta?” I asked him (Why aren’t you reading my card?). Well, I don’t know why I’d write a card for my brother of all people, much less see him in person, but I like it when I dream in other languages. Those dreams are fun to have.

It was freezing in here when I got up at just 66º. So I took advantage of the cold and jumped on the bike. By the time I’d burned 50 cals I was toasty warm. Not long afterward, the sun rose over the mountain and now it’s 75º in here. In a few hours, we’ll need to open the windows and kick the cooler on. It’ll be back in the 90s in a few days – yay!

Can’t think of much else to say other than that the investigation is getting more discouraging by the minute.

Later…

It’s still kind of strange to walk up to a mirror, turn sideways, and not see a belly. Tom put strips of scotch tape inside my wedding band since I almost lost it earlier. Despite losing nearly 30 pounds, I’ve jumped up a few pounds. Today I started eating less and riding more. Burned 200 cals on the bike.

The dogs have continued to be quiet, and fortunately, it was just that one day that something – I don’t know what – set them off. This doesn’t mean I still don’t worry that the winter will be as bad as last, but we’ll see soon enough.

I posted the journals on Blogger from when we were in motels in Oregon. What a picnic that turned out to be compared to our motel time down here, yet it was plenty stressful enough!

I’m starting to give up hope, once again, of ever finding that woman who was so kind to me during my final hours at camp so many years ago. I prayed several times, but as is usually the case, the prayers have gone unanswered. No one has responded to my post at the reunion site, and I haven’t heard anything from Gregg all day. My guess is he’s either onto something good or he’s hit a dead-end. If he’s getting nowhere, though, I’m kind of surprised he hasn’t said so. Maybe I should hope not hearing from him is a good thing and that it only means he’s checking yearbooks and asking questions. After all, I would think this isn’t info that’s always readily at his fingertips that he could just look up in minutes and have all the answers to. I just don’t know what would be more frustrating; not getting a name at all, or getting a name and not being able to find the person to contact them. I’d almost hate to come that close for nothing at all if I couldn’t make contact, but if I end up with just a name, then that was more than I got 14 years ago when I first tried to find her.

Come on, God, help me! I just want to say “thank you.” It’s that important to me and would mean that much to me. So please, please, lead the way. Have Gregg point me in the right direction. And yes, a great start would certainly be with a name. I mean, we do have to know who to look for in the first place, don’t we?

I’m a little surprised I haven’t heard from Mary yet. I hope it’s just a case of her not being able to contact me yet and not that they pulled a fast one on her in the end and that she’s still in jail. I know how deceptive and manipulative the system can be.

Sure enough, OLS is still playing their upgrade promise game. Are they going to do this every two weeks? All the members they’ve lost by now must really be catching up to them in order for Brent to feel he has to pull shit like this.

When I get around to it I might pull some of Lisa’s stuff out of my journal. Her notes, our discussions, etc. This doesn’t mean I want anything to do with her or the rest of her family, but I think it may be a good way for me to once again move on if I weed out at least some of it. Not all of it, since they were once a part of my life, like it or not, and I can’t deny or erase their existence simply by writing them out of my journal. Sure would be nice if I could, though, along with a few other things!

As for forgiveness, it doesn’t matter whether or not I could ever forgive them (not that I think I could, for whatever it’s worth) because I simply want nothing to do with them. Period. Not now, not in the future. So, since they’re a closed chapter in my life, it doesn’t matter who lied about what, who fucked over who, and whether or not I could forgive them.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 2009
Apartments, condos, townhouses – I hate any place that’s attached to someone else’s place. I’m a modern freak, yet I’d take this dumpy old trailer any day to remain in such a beautiful area before I took a nice, new spacious place attached to someone else. It is just so gorgeous and so peaceful here!

The only negative to my otherwise busy and productive day was the allergies I awoke with. They drove me crazy all morning long. We had our first rain in a few months. Is there a connection? Hmmm… I wonder.

Tom and I went to put $50 on the card to cover our net/phone bill, then we browsed through Goodwill looking for any flippables. There was nothing good to flip, but I grabbed a few bags of incense – Peach, Obsession, Opium and Coconut.

My allergies were too crazy to do anything else and we didn’t want to spend much money anyway, so we came home and I popped a Benadryl. I didn’t want to take one before leaving, knowing it’d knock me on my ass for a few hours, and it did. After I got up I made some coffee to try to clear the cobwebs from my head and then I changed the rats’ cage, cleaned the kitchen and did a few other household chores.

I’m starting to lose hope of finding the mystery woman of Camp Naomi, but get this – I’m no longer so sure it was 1974 that I was there. I remembered me and some of the other kids were trying to convince the staffers that we were bionic. You know, like Jamie Sommers from The Bionic Woman? So then I decided to check when The Bionic Woman first aired and found that the show ran from 1976-1978. I knew this memory wasn’t from the second camp I was in because I know I was 13 or 14 when I attended the second camp and by then we pretty much had the bionic stuff out of our system. It’s definitely something 11-year-olds would do, though. So I zapped Gregg, the guy who’s helping me with this little investigation, a message letting him know that since there was no bionic woman in ’74, he may want to check ’76, ’77 and ’78, with ’76 being the most likely. He said this would make it easier to find out who the unit heads and nurses were back then as he’s a few years older than me.

I don’t usually send friend requests and instead, I let them come to me but I sent him one for helping me and he accepted.

I also got accepted into that group but didn’t bother going through the photos. This is because I can’t remember what she looks like. She could walk into this room looking exactly like she did back then and I still wouldn’t recognize her. I just think she might’ve had dark hair and eyes and that she was a unit head who would now be in her 50s.

I wish I could’ve written journals all my life! Or at least since I was old enough to write. I swear I remember my mom asking me if I remember when the last time was that I was in camp while we were packing me to go to the second camp when I was older and living in the older house. Then I said, “No, how old was I?” and she said I was 9.

So either her memory was messed up or I’m remembering a conversation we never had. Tom said that from what he’s learned about how the brain works, we tend to fill in the gaps with false memories when we’re kids. That makes sense too, as I remember asking my mom if there was ever a door in the kitchen of the first house. In the doorway that led to the living room area, that is, and she said no. That’s when I figured that the “memories” of a door being there was probably a dream I’d had.

So there are probably more factual memories of this camp and this woman, but as Tom said, I couldn’t trust anything else I may remember to be real. I’m pretty sure the buses were real, though. That’s another memory that just popped into my head for the first time in decades today. Something like 5 or 6 buses picked us up at the JCC and took us to the camp. And of course, while most of the kids saw it as one big party, I just wanted to go home, LOL.

Tom suggested I “do inventory” to try to remember things.

When did I first learn I was going to camp?

I don’t know.

Who sat next to me on the bus?

I don’t know.

Off to a good start, huh?

Why is it so important that I identify/contact this woman to thank her? That one I can easily answer. Without being an abused child, it’s something that I suppose would be hard for one to understand. Let’s just say that with all the shitty people I’d known, I just didn’t take the few good ones for granted. I still don’t.

I can’t ask my parents anything because they tend to be paranoid and they may be suspicious of why I’m asking and assume I have some sort of ill intentions in mind. Plus, they’re getting a little old for their own memories to be that reliable as I mentioned the other day when a certain young and naïve individual went a little coo-coo on me.

Anyway, I joined the group and left my own post, but haven’t gotten any replies yet. Haven’t heard from Gregg yet either, though I suppose it may take him a while to do what research he needs to do.

If I don’t get to thank this woman in this life, and it’s looking like once again I’m not going to, I hope there’s some kind of afterlife I can thank her in. I know that many believe we meet up with those we knew on earth, something I have mixed emotions about. Of course I’d want to reunite with those I love and care for. But I don’t want the assholes in the mix either. Well, not unless I get to kick their asses! And kick ‘em good.

Random pet peeve of the day – men and abortion. I don’t think anyone should have the right to make other people’s private, personal decisions, be it who they marry or what they do with their lives/bodies, but men having the right to vote on abortion really pisses me off even more. Why should they? They don’t carry/have babies! Most of the time they say they don’t want the responsibility of kids anyway, so why should they have any say in the matter? Especially since the kid’s not literally half theirs. They may’ve had a hand in influencing its existence, but it’s more a part of the woman. It’s like giving someone a black eye. You can give it to them, but THEY’RE the ones that carry and live with that black eye, not you.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 13, 2009
Yesterday turned out to be a case of the dream premonition that came true… but didn’t. Yeah, this is the first dream premonition with an interesting twist, and if you look at it the way Tom sees it, I guess it could be interpreted as a good thing. Things got a little scary, though, at first, but only for an hour, and it wasn’t nearly as scary as back in the motel.

When Tom got up I told him about the dream and how he came home to a second-story house that seemed to be ours, saying that the check hadn’t come but holding a couple of bags filled with Chinese food. I told him I was worried it was a premonition and that our money wouldn’t be there. “You know I have these things,” I told him. “I may not have them that often, and I may’ve lost my influencing ability when it comes to winning sweeps, but you know I’m rarely wrong.”

At noon he left for the mail place and I prayed to God that in this case, I would be wrong, but when he returned just a half-hour later, I saw that I wasn’t wrong at all. I started to get mad at God and started to write the following “thank you” rant, but watch out, it’s pretty harsh!

Thank you, God, for ignoring my prayers for our check.

Thank you for our measly food supply and the fact that we’re virtually out of money.

Thank you for continuing to beat us over the head with poverty.

Thank you for putting this additional stress on us.

Thank you for ignoring my prayers for employment.

Thank you for all the cavities I have with which I have no money to deal with.

Thank you for my rapidly worsening vision I have no money to get better glasses.

Thank you for kicking us down every time we start to get ahead.

Thank you for making sure that no matter how hard we work, we have no security in life whatsoever.

Thank you for giving a damn about my husband and me so much that you would bless us with this same old poverty bullshit year after year while murderers strike it rich.

Thank you for choosing us to be one of the chosen ones to have to play poor-ass bums no matter how hard we try to get ahead.

So then Tom called and learned that the check was printed on the 10th. He waited till 2:00, called the dumb cock at UPS (yeah, typical dumb-ass males!), and was told that he accidentally missed the check, but it was there!

So now I’m going back and forth between thanking God and saying I was sorry for letting him have it, although there’s certainly more than just a grain of truth to those rants. The relief I felt was wonderful, like a natural high, though I would still prefer to stop having these money scares, big or small!

The thing about it is that he got me to see something I didn’t see about the dream before he called and learned the check was really there. When he was trying to reassure me that things would be ok no matter what the case was with the check, he pointed out the Chinese food and the house, saying that if the first part turned out to be true, then why couldn’t the second? Why couldn’t we eventually have money again for Chinese, and why can’t we own a house in a little over 1000 days when he’s 55?

Well, the pessimist in me won’t go getting her hopes up, but he has a point. Thinking back to other dream premonitions – everything happened that I dreamed. There were no parts of the dream that didn’t come true. There were some slight differences, but it all happened just as I dreamt it.

So now it’s nice to have my worst problem if only for today, be wondering if it was wise to put our guinea pig-sized rats back in the smaller cage.

Anyway, they were way off on the weather for today! It was supposed to be 95º. Instead, it’s 88º and cloudy. There was even some thunder and wind. It hasn’t rained in a few months, so it will soon.

I wish I could pick just one journal site. It’d be easier. But I just love the different features the different ones have.

I was counting on 4-5 more hours of alone time since I work better alone, but Tom got up earlier than expected because he fell asleep earlier than usual. For now, I’m gonna scout out as many of those paid email programs as I can find. They’re totally worth the effort and extra money, unlike paid surveys that almost always tell you that you don’t qualify AFTER you’ve wasted 5-10 minutes, and you don’t get credit for it either.

I want a couple of tattoos and not temp tats. I want a snake wrapped around my right wrist/forearm, and a pink floral armband on my left arm.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 2009
I had a very scary dream for someone who’s known to have dream premonitions. I dreamt the check still hadn’t arrived, and Tom said, in a dubious tone of voice, that he’d call Monday and see what we had to do. The only thing off about the dream was that he had just returned with tons of Chinese food and we appeared to be in a second-story house that was ours.

I really hope to hell that was just a dream! I swear I WILL kill myself before I let God beat me over the head with money for another 30-40 years! Man, I’m tired of this shit! I’m tired of being held back from living. I just don’t get it. You got tons of people out there sitting on welfare who will do anything to get out of having to work 5 minutes. Yet here we are, perfectly willing to work to get ahead, yet circumstances totally out of our control won’t let us!

Our lives weren’t bad for the last two years in Oregon. I couldn’t get insurance up there and I hated the cold and snow, but it wasn’t bad. Nonetheless, we came down here in hopes of making our lives even better, yet it’s like we’re being punished for trying! Except for that one ear doctor that we had to pay for ourselves, I haven’t seen the inside of a doctor’s office since 2004. My last female exam was in 1999. I don’t care to get a female exam even though I know I should every year, but when am I ever going to have the luxury of just getting to a dentist???

And when are there going to be jobs in this area???

Later…

I still can’t believe the childish, immature outburst she sent me and all over a timeframe I never mentioned. She’s upset that I called her insane, but what else am I to think when someone pitches that kind of fit over when we were supposed to have first gotten in touch? Like I said before, all she had to do was just ask me about it in a civilized manner and I could’ve told her that I didn’t mention a timeframe at all, just that we’d been in touch.

Her going from “I can’t believe you lied! Stay out of my life!” to wanting to kiss and make up and move on if I’d apologize for something she either imagined or misunderstood is classic manic/depressant behavior. I’ve seen enough emotional instability in this world to know the signs. Troubled people like this often go back and forth from sweet and kind to raving lunatics, screaming all kinds of paranoid accusations at whomever after they just told them how much they love them and all that sweet shit. They also tend to be contradicting. She’s married with kids on FB, so it seems, but single and childless on MS. Whatever. The point is I don’t know this person. Maybe she’s crazy or maybe she’s just acting that way thinking she’ll get what she wants from me that way, but I DON’T WANT to know her in any way. Why are some people so obsessed with trying to “win over” those who don’t want a damn thing to do with them? Is she that bored or miserable in life that she feels she needs such a challenge? She got along just fine without me in her life this long, so why now? Why is it that all of a sudden she and the others feel they just have to send all these messages? What is she going to do next? Join Kiwibox so she can harass me there, too?

I shake my head sadly and I can’t help but wonder who the hell she thinks she is. Who does she think I am? A punching bag she can just beat on whenever she gets pissed? Someone who will then be quick to apologize for fictitious lies after she’s done pitching her little shit fit, smile, move on and forgive her as if nothing ever happened? Get real! Just keep on dreaming cuz you blew it, honey. You will never have my love or forgiveness. I will never again be an aunt to you. Not now, not in 5 years, not in 10 years, not ever. So sending me notes saying that you’re now all lovey-dovey with your mom and trying to impress me with your income is just a waste of time on your part. If your life was so peachy keen you wouldn’t be drinking or doing drugs (though you may’ve curbed that much) and you certainly wouldn’t be throwing temper tantrums in messages to me as you have been over a lousy date. If you’re really with it in the head, then why act like I told my father something like you came here, ran into our living room with your car, punched out our windows, threatened to kill us, then burnt the place down? My father’s 78 years old for God’s sake! Do you really expect the man to be that sharp-minded in what’s going on with whom and when? Every time we talk they seem to have forgotten something we’ve discussed, or can’t remember if I said I already did a certain thing or was going to do it and stuff like that. They’re fucking old, for crying out loud! Of course they’re going to be confused at times. And of course, I also didn’t hear whatever was said, so I don’t know that my dad really told anyone that we first talked in April. There are a few mental cases in the family, after all. And they like to make up things along the way. Anything to start trouble.

What it all comes down to is that this is the reason I dumped my entire family a decade ago. Because I was sick of the he said/she said bullshit and all the instability around me. I respect myself enough not to allow myself to be subjected to such mean, stupid and abusive people whenever possible. I know some people don’t mind being around mean, negative people, but I do. I know I deserve better than that and that I have enough other shit to deal with. I can throw a toxic person away the same as I can throw an old candy bar wrapper away. And this is just what I’ve done with my siblings, nieces, aunts, uncles, some cousins and old “friends.” I’ve crumpled them up like old pieces of paper and have tossed them into the wastebasket where they belong.

And I don’t recycle old trash!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 2009
OMG, Lisa’s gone mad! Just totally insane! Either that or she wrote these incredibly manic, paranoid and untrue words while flying on drugs. Whatever the case, I’m not the least bit surprised and now I’m beyond even feeling sorry for the girl like I used to. She’s left me totally numb. Well, then again, maybe I am just a touch embarrassed for her and ashamed of her. She’s really making a fool of herself. Just when I thought I wasn’t going to be bothered by anyone anymore, I receive this beautiful message:

“Well I have to say that I am shocked that you would lie about me! I have all the dates and the first time we talked was august 10th not April like you said in your letter to my grandfather! Dont even lie! I cant believe you! I was the only one in this family that wanted to remain civil and not be judgmental about you and this is how you pay be back! Leave me alone dont ever contact me again! I never said anything bad about my mother either,whatever relationship I have with her is between me and her..not you. You are causing me stress and I dont need and fucking drama or immature liars in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! leave me alone! I cant believe you did this to me! the onloy one that was trying to be there for you! no hard feelings cause I dont hold grudges and I try to live a good postive life so goodbye!”

I went and checked my last letter to my folks and the word “April” isn’t even mentioned at all. Not even “August.” I didn’t give any timeframe at all. Had she sent me a civilized message asking about the dates, I’d have gladly cleared this up for her and let her know that if anyone told her April, then it was done in error if it wasn’t a misunderstanding on the drama queen’s part. So I don’t understand how I’m “causing her stress.” She is correct, though, in saying that August 10th was the first time she contacted me. She also contacted me on August 12th and 13th, and in this next message sent to me on the 13th, you can see she’s rather contradicting as far as not saying anything bad about her mother.

“Hey just got your message and thank you very much. The only isssue I has was with you and Sarah. I love my sisters very much they are pretty much the only family that I do talk to. I have decided it would be best that I dont talk to my mom because we do not see eye to eye on anything. Not saying anything bad cause I know how she will react if a, she finds out im talking to you and b, if she hears im talking shit on her and I will not give her the satisfaction and act immature and say bad things about her even though she is a very negative mean person, who I want nothing to do with. I am the type of person who gives everyone a chance and tries to help people even though my childhood and young adult life have been nothing but hell! I have dealt with severe depression, eating disorders, drug and alchol issues and many others. (cant spell today lol). I am trying to get my life back in order. Getting rid of all the horrible memories of my past that I have hidden with drugs and alchol. Im also trying to get rid of any type of drama or negativity as well. I live on my own and I can talk to any one I want. But family is family so from time to time please check in with me, between us so that I know you are ok. Mom has no influence on me and never will be be able to control me again. As long as you dont contact them I give you my word I am ok. But also on that note I would hope nothing bad will be done or said to my sisters cause I love them dearly. I have spent years trying to locate you, and regardless on what you have done in your past I would never judge cuz I know what its like to be judged and put down by your own family. Hope to hear from you soon in response to this letter thanks hun! Lisa”

Now that there’s no need to “protect” Lisa and keep anything she sends me a secret, I can speak freely now. What’s next? A nastyogram from Becky? She’s the only one in the drama queen’s family I have yet to be harassed by.

I not only sent my folks copies of Lisa’s last two messages, but I also offered my passwords to my diary, MS and FB accounts if they’d like to see just who’s really being victimized here. If they can use someone else’s PC that they trust that has internet access, they’re welcome to see the dozens of goodies sitting in my inboxes. I warned them, though, that the messages are really sick! Just disgusting and downright cold. If it wasn’t for my general lack of trust in law enforcement maybe I’d have already done something about them, though they are still nothing but a bunch of words and not actions. A bunch of sick and nasty words, but words nonetheless.

Poverty is a rough life that really sucks the life out of you. Not that I want to kill myself or anything, but the point is that I have enough crap to deal with and so I’m hoping I won’t be forced to take legal action against any of them as I continue to save up the nasty messages, in which even my husband has been attacked in. I don’t want to get them in trouble; I just want them out of my life! And for people who love to tell me I’m crazy, should’ve jumped from a higher window, should be killed, I ought to get hit by a bus, etc., you would think that they too, wouldn’t want anything to do with me, yet it’s like I’ve become a twisted obsession of theirs. I racked my brain trying to figure out what could be motivating them to attack me like this, and unless it’s drugs, alcohol or just plain craziness, I’m clueless. To drive a wedge between my folks so they boot me from inheriting anything? Well, like I said before, we’d never see anything they left to them or Larry to give to us, and I told them so.

I never wanted contact with these sick assholes in the first place. THEY came to ME. I keep dumping them, they keep coming to me. All I ever did was reply to the first few messages from Lisa and I am sorry I did so, and I’m sorry I bothered with Sarah. Larry’s the only one leaving me alone that I don’t want contact with. I have gone and utilized the “block user” function on both MySpace and Facebook so that none of them can contact me at least through there. I can’t close every possible port out there, but I can close some. I have absolutely no problem with never again having anything to do with Tammy or her kids, and again, I’m sorry my folks can’t check out this horribly threatening and scandalous journal I’m supposed to have that goes magically undetected and is allowed to remain online.

Anyway, the thought of possibly having to live another 30-40 years scraping pennies to the tune of barking dogs since most people out here don’t believe dogs belong indoors, is rather depressing, especially if Tom’s wrong about our future. Tammy might be right when she said I’ll always be poor trailer trash, and so this is why we don’t need any more trouble in our lives. We have to stress enough just at being poor and now that the weather’s cooling down again the dogs will probably put additional stress on me. I’m still pretty sure it’s a weather thing for them and that the cooler weather will stir them up when Jesse’s not around to keep them in line. And who knows how much longer the job market will be so bad?

I just want to forget about these sick fucks who I wish would drop dead until the next time they feel the need to remind me of their sorry existence through yet even more unwanted contact. Even if they were to apologize like crazy and offer money to try to make up for the things they’ve said and done – I don’t want it. I just want to not have to know they exist other than as a bad memory!

Just Tammy’s admitting that her goal was indeed to get me in jail for letting her “abusive” ex have it is totally unforgivable. She may not have known our address, knowing that the cops could find us themselves, but what else could “I did it once I will do it again” possibly mean?

The drama queen isn’t behind the mysterious FB buddies, though. I ran the emails, so unless she’s here in Sunnyvale, she’s not connected to that much. Or the person asking me about all the drugs they doped me up with when they made a walking pharmacy out of me as a kid. That person is up in Washington.

Jesse’s been home and the weather hot, so no shit from the dogs other than the one cool day we’ve had so far where he at least seemed to be out during the morning. Just a single bark at 4:15 this morning and a few at 4:30 yesterday morning. Next week will be the real test. The temp’s gonna drop like a mother-fucker over the weekend, and even if Jesse doesn’t work, he still goes out every day if only for a few minutes.

The only other thing I’ve heard is that mysterious hammering and saw from up at the summit. Someone’s obviously got a huge project going on up there.

I have quite an update about a certain person from 1974, but after Lisa’s shit, I’m not in the mood for any more writing right now. I have other things I have to tend to.

Later…

Who the hell were you? I asked myself this several times on and off since an angel gave me my very first taste of love, respect, acceptance and kindness back in 1974 at Camp Naomi in Raymond, Maine. I don’t think I lasted much more than a week there being the little terrorist that I was who rebelled against the camp’s strictly structured routine. The freedom freak in me longed to be set free and I missed having any kind of space and privacy, something you definitely can’t get in a bunk filled with about 20 other campers. As was the case with Brattleboro, Valleyhead and jail, if you didn’t want to do what they wanted you to do, when they wanted you to do it, you had it rough. I remember feeling totally lost, like a puppet on a string who could never be her own puppeteer. I also felt smothered by all the constant people and activity, and so as much as I didn’t get along with my family, I missed my home, my own room, and my own things. I wanted to hang out in the woods in our backyard by myself or listen to my music in my room. I did not want to swim in a scummy lake with a bunch of strangers, nor did I wish to paint cows and chickens with them on some imaginary farmland. Yet we did everything together as one giant body. We swam together, we ate together, we painted together, we showered together, we played ball together, we slept together, we SHIT together!

My memories of “the angel,” whoever she was, are few and quick. On my last night there, they had trouble getting us kids to sleep. I don’t remember if we were just on a sugar high from all the junk food we were pigging out on or if something else was going on. This woman was in the bunk that night, playfully threatening to tickle me to death if I didn’t go to sleep. Then at one point, I ended up with her in a tiny cabin that had only two beds in it, a little kitchenette in front, plus a bathroom. She had a small dog that might’ve been a terrier. She gave me a Polaroid of the dog that I wish to hell I still had, not that I expect it would yield many clues as to her identity. She fell asleep to me trying to “read her mind.” You know, trying to guess what color she was thinking of and silly stuff like that that kids do.

The next morning she made us breakfast. Afterward, we were outside and I remember asking what I was going to do until my dad picked me up. She playfully swung me, a rather undersized 9-year-old, up in the air and said I was going to hang out with her. And so off we went to play in the woods with her dog. She showed me how it would find her when she’d go and hide behind a tree and stuff like that.

Then Dad arrived, who she said was very handsome. Then, as we were pulling away, she was actually in tears! I didn’t think much of it as a 9-year-old, but later I found it quite touching that she could come to care about me so fast as to be in tears upon my leaving. She was just so kind to me and I would love to try to find this woman and thank her for caring about me!

My mental image of her is quite blurry. Remember, this was not only 35 years ago, but we see adults differently as kids. I think she had dark hair that wasn’t short or overly long. Couldn’t begin to say what eye color she had. Maybe dark?

As I documented in 1995, I tried to find this woman to no avail. I simply learned a few things about the camp itself, that it became co-ed, was renamed Camp Nashoba North, etc. Then the other night she just popped into my head again and I wondered the same damn thing I’ve been wondering forever now – who in the world was she? How can I find her?

Realizing that the internet now had a hell of a lot more than it had 14 years ago, I searched the camp and found a reunion site both on and off Facebook. For some reason, the name Robin stood out in my mind, so I searched the pictures for a Robin and there were a few, one seeming like a possibility. But when I contacted this guy on FB that possibility got shot down when he informed me that we’re the same age.

He said it might’ve been Barbara, the assistant director’s wife, and that the dog, which could’ve only belonged to so many people, might’ve belonged to a caretaker named Gene. I searched for the name he gave me in the state of Maine. Ironically enough, though, I got a hit in my hometown of all places on a woman who is now 67. I got the impression the woman was single and in her late teens/early 20s, but what would I have known at 9 years old? All I can do is hope to identify and locate her so I can finally deliver that well-deserved “thank you” to her. I don’t know why she became so attached to me. Maybe I was the little girl she thought she could never have. Maybe I reminded her of someone else. All I know is that she showed me something I never got from my own family, and I never forgot it.

Hey, cool! I just got another email from Gregg, the guy helping me hunt down this woman. He agrees Barbara is probably too old and says it was either a unit head or a nurse. They lived in those small 2-bed cabins. He also says he’ll ask who the unit heads and nurses were in 1974 which would narrow it down to 4 women and this shouldn’t be hard to find out.

I’m so excited at the possibility of being closer than ever to finding out who she is! I’d go with a unit head as my guess.

Why couldn’t the drama queen have been born infertile?! She not only never could handle kids worth a damn, but now I have to deal with not only her shit but her kid’s shit, too.

Here’s the latest message from my newest cyberstalker, Lisa. At first I was like, how the hell did this get through to me (on MySpace) after I blocked her? I guess I didn’t do it right, so hopefully I got it right this time around. If not, I’ll report her. These people obviously still don’t get that I DON’T WANT ANY FUCKING CONTACT FROM THEM! Jesus, what do they not get about those words?! Anyway, here’s what she said:

“I just wanted to thank you for writing about me in your journal about how im insane and a drug addict! Its really sad that you have to make me look bad and talk shit about me. I have a great job that I have been employed at for more than 8 years making a lot of money. I have a wonderful man who I have been withfor 8 years as well and I live in a great condo, so life for me is well. And even in my past I have learned to forgive people and be a nice positive women. So you can think all you want and say all you want but I have a great life without drugs and drama and my sisters and mom have a great relationship, we may not always see eye to eye but I have firgiven them and move on. So go ahead say what you want about me, I willo pray for you and I hope your life can change around and you can change and become a better person and not put other people down or talk about them,its not good karma. Well take care I wont hold any grudges not the type of person I am. I hope you get better and if you decide to apoligize for what you said about me and the lies that you told I am willing to move on! take care”

OMG. Just wow.

“I just wanted to thank you for writing about me in your journal about how im insane and a drug addict!”

You’re welcome.

“Its really sad that you have to make me look bad and talk shit about me.”

The only one making you look bad is YOU. If you don’t want people writing or saying things about you that you don’t like, then quit contacting people who don’t want to be contacted by you and who you yourself told to “leave you alone.” At least give them the blessing of being able to honor that request and quit reading journals that obviously upset you and that you cannot handle.

“I have a great job that I have been employed at for more than 8 years making a lot of money. I have a wonderful man who I have been withfor 8 years as well and I live in a great condo, so life for me is well”

Then why are you so miserable that you turned to drugs and alcohol? See, she keeps contradicting herself. She has nothing to do with her mother, but now she does. Her life was hell, but now it’s great.

“And even in my past I have learned to forgive people and be a nice positive women”

That’s how you get fucked over by the same people over and over again; by being too nice and too forgiving, and that’s why I’m the least forgiving person on earth. Bad karma or not, I will never forgive or forget what she or her mother has done to me. It’s simply too late. Why they keep trying to win me over and get me back into their lives is beyond me. Why do some people want to bother with those who don’t want to bother with them??? These people mean nothing to me, and once again, funny how it’s only THEM doing the contacting, isn’t it? I don’t care if they’re rich, poor, happy or miserable, but only that they STAY THE FUCK OUTA MY LIFE! I don’t want to be friends, I don’t want to be enemies, I just want to be absolutely nothing to each other. I want someone to be able to bring me up and for them to be like, Jodi? Jodi who? I want to be a stranger to them. A distant memory that’s long since faded into nothing.

“I willo pray for you”

Me too. That you disappear and leave me alone.

“if you decide to apoligize for what you said about me and the lies that you told I am willing to move on”

laughs I’m not in the habit of apologizing for lies I didn’t tell, and what I said about you was what you yourself told me.

Finally got my period so that’ll help get some of this water off.

Decided to hold off on ordering any incense for now. Yeah, we could spare $30 - $40 or so right now, but I’d rather not. Besides, I’ve still got some left from the last order. Ah, Loganberry is beautiful!

Meanwhile, I found an interesting link about Valleyhead and some of its other victims/survivors. I posted my own two cents in their forum which is basically just what the rest of this entry says.

I can’t believe it took 40 years for the FBI and DYS to finally shut these sickos down! I personally never saw any sexual abuse, but I don’t doubt it existed at all. T from NH couldn’t have said it any better as to a lot of the shit that went on there. It was the worst experience of my childhood and who knows how much different I might’ve been for the better had I not been there the two years I was there? The suicide obviously occurred after I was there. The few good staff that were there were totally overridden and overpowered by the dozens of bad ones that made the kids feel like murderers and prisoners instead of victims of abuse in a place that was supposed to be a school filled with an extra dose of caring.

Just like T got punished for loaning her dryer to the girl who hung herself with it, I was punished for trying to kill myself by jumping out a second-story window to escape the verbal and emotional abuse I was getting there, as well as some physical threats. After I jumped, instead of being offered the support I needed, I was only made to feel sorry I didn’t succeed in killing myself, although I did not jump with any set goal intended. I simply panicked, I wanted out, and well, I went out, alright! They sure decided, however, that I only threw myself out the window for attention, failing to keep in mind that throwing yourself out a second-story window is a rather risky way to get attention.

I too, was turned into a walking pharmacy. I became very addicted to one of the drugs they used to control me with Navane and ended up with permanent side effects as well like tardive dyskinesia.

I went into Valleyhead at 85 pounds, starved by one of my former foster mothers. I was picked on by Margaret, one of the meanest staffers there, for being so skinny. Part of the side effects of all the drugs they had me on was weight gain. I climbed over 130 pounds, a lot for a 5-footer. Did Barbara, who was even meaner, think that by telling me I “had all that fat to keep me warm” really think she was helping me in any way?

I also believe the owners were stealing the girls’ money. Whenever my folks would leave me money it either disappeared or I was told it was much less than what they said they left me.

Most of the mean, cold-hearted control freaks that ran the place had worse emotional issues than the “students” had! It has been 25 years since I was there yet I still have nightmares about being stuck back there, dominated and ridiculed by Donna, her sister Margaret, and Barbara. I don’t think to this day they have any conscience or remorse for the things they said and did to what were mostly very fragile and abused children. May God somehow see to it that they are punished for the hell they inflicted upon some of us!

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 2009
Silence may sometimes be golden, but it can also speak a thousand words, too. I never got a reply to my message to those questionable FB buddies, so yeah, it probably was connected to someone I know that I don’t wanna know.

Speaking of silence, that’s just what I got yesterday and it was definitely golden! I thought the dogs would go off early and be at it for hours, but Jesse obviously didn’t work yesterday. Tom said he thought he heard the motorcycle at one point which would explain why it was quiet, along with the temperature rising again. We’re gonna hit 100º today, but Monday we’re on for showers and mid-80 temps, so that oughta make for quite a circus around here. Especially if he either works that day or goes out wherever.

My period is late and so I’m still all watery, bloated and with the backache from hell. If it gets any worse I suppose I could take something for it.

I should go get working out, but I just don’t feel like it.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 2009
The good news is that I passed Portuguese 102 with a 90%. The bad is that the cooler weather is ALREADY inviting more barking. I was hoping the peace would last another month or two, but nope. And as always, we’re the ones to have to deal with it. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that rural is just as bad as the city when it comes to barking. Especially if you live in the West where most people don’t believe dogs belong indoors.

I’m wondering if Jesse left town late Sunday night. There were scattered barks every couple of hours beginning around 10pm which I would think would be unusual for when he’s home, then it got rather consistent at 4am on out until I crashed in the late morning. So if he didn’t leave Sunday night, then he left for work at 4:00. I can’t believe there’d be that much barking if he were there. Also, Brandy and the puppy were loose and came down here. This seemed to be part of what was stirring up Whiskey, who did most of the barking, as usual. We know he lets them loose when he’s home, but why he’s letting them loose when he’s not, beats me, unless it’s really a family member that let them loose. But either way, why complain that the renters let their dogs loose if you’re just going to do the same thing yourself? Our guess is that he trusts them more than he should and doesn’t realize they come down here. Whether they’re loose or not, though, they’re going to be a problem till next spring when the weather warms back up again, so I’m keeping the air cleaner turned up in the living room, the stove’s fan on in the kitchen, and music or the sound machine on in the bedroom. And of course I’ll also have to go back to being limited as to when I can do things that require a quiet background like studying languages. It really sucks to have to live this way since others won’t take responsibility for their own fucking dogs, but if we can’t get any peace in a stand-alone trailer that’s at least a couple hundred feet from the nearest neighbor, where CAN we get it? Do we really have to go to a place like Florida to escape this shit?

So the plan was to call Jesse and let him know the dogs were loose, just in case he either didn’t know or didn’t know just how far they travel. But when Tom went to leave for the store, planning to call when he came back, he heard voices up there. On his way back, he saw all 3 dogs tied up. The puppy barked at him, but the others didn’t. So someone was up there at some point, but we don’t know who. Tom didn’t see his truck at all, so I’m guessing he’s out of town and probably doesn’t know that whoever’s coming to check on things is turning Brandy and the puppy loose. We don’t mind them being loose because they move about quietly, but their taking off stirs Whiskey up because he doesn’t like being left alone. If we see them again down here we’ll call Jesse and try to see what’s going on.

Again I just don’t get why he doesn’t throw up a fence around his place. He certainly can afford it. That way he’d never have to tie the dogs up, but they’d never be loose either, which is against the law. Yes, there are leash laws even out in the country. Whatever the hell the case may be, though, I don’t need to be a dog expert to know that yesterday was no isolated incident. I know the dogs are going to be a regular problem again, not for days, nor for weeks, but for months. They obviously have cycles. Between whoever complained about them before we got here and the barking sprees they went on over the winter makes that obvious enough to see. I think it’s a combination of cooler temps and being left alone so much that stirs them up. We’ve warmed back up into the 90s and will be there for a few days, so maybe that’ll back it off a bit. As soon as it got cold enough at night to have to turn the fan off, shut the window and throw on something with sleeves, it got bad. But right now it’s nearly 2am and I’m sitting here in a g-string with the window open, the fan on, and it’s a dry, comfy 80º in here. I swear anything under 80º is too cold! Especially where the summers are so dry. But it’ll be cold, rainy and miserably noisy soon enough.

I know I should be glad we escaped the car stereos, the wild kids, and the constant coming and going of vehicles just a few feet away, but the thought of possibly having to scrape pennies to the tune of barking for another 30-40 years really makes me want to scream. I don’t get depressed easily. I get pissed. I get energyless. I get bored. But I can see where too many more years of this shit could certainly get me there.

Tom keeps saying I’m wrong. We will have money, we will own a home again, and barking won’t be an issue.

Is he naïve? Blind? Or just obsessed with disagreeing? I wish I COULD be wrong! But I think we’ll be poor all our lives, always renting old dumps to the tune of barking, and I don’t think his program will regularly generate money whether it’s a few bucks or a few hundred bucks. I think he’s just always been overly optimistic.

Looks like the drama queen is playing with me on FB. I suddenly get 2 friend requests from 2 newbies with strange Asian names, BOTH males, BOTH born in April, BOTH born in the 60s, BOTH have just one other friend, BOTH with Gmail accounts! Is that what Tammy meant when she said, “If only you knew what will be in your future?” There’s no other info on these people at all. I can’t even tell where they are. No state or country is listed for them, but I don’t know. Maybe it’s not connected to her. Or a certain black, Jew-hating psycho that once tormented me and ruled my life. If it is, though, then what’s the point? I have a public profile, so you don’t have to be “a friend” to see my shit.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 8, 2009
Someone asked what Tammy the drama queen meant by threatening me with not getting the last word.

I don’t know. Psych cases are hard to figure out at times. It’s like she’s in this competition with me that only she’s competing in.

And “the good one” and “the good niece?”

I don’t have a clue about that one either. If there’s a “good” niece, does that mean there’s a “bad” one, too? I know who really wrote that message, but I can see where one would wonder, if she’s the good one, then who’s the bad one? Like I said, who can figure such a head case out, and is it really worth the bother?

Anyway, my life seems so empty now, but I just don’t know what to fill it with as we sit here and wait and wait and wait for the damn job market to loosen up. I found another little online job at another paid email site, but at this rate, Tom will be out of work for another year! I would still rather be stuck in this rut for the rest of our lives than go through the kind of hell we went through when we first moved here.

I’m still having a scattering of chest and left arm pains, but I still don’t think anything’s wrong with my heart due to the types of pains I’m getting in comparison to those described by people who’ve had heart problems.

Not much else to say other than that the nights are getting cooler than I’d like, and the cooler weather’s already bringing about more barking. I heard a couple of fits before and after midnight, but it wasn’t close enough to be annoying. I couldn’t tell which direction it was in either. It almost sounded like Brandy going off on something in back of her house, but I can’t believe she would go off without Whiskey going off along with her.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 2009
My lowest low was 121 pounds, but lately I’ve been bouncing between 123-125. As much as I love to eat I doubt I’ll lose anymore.

Did the cyberbullying stop because Tammy the drama queen got sick of me and my journal, or because she came to realize that it doesn’t do her any good? Don’t know for sure. I only know that my words can never hurt anyone. Only their own sensitivity and paranoia can hurt them!

The freeloader’s dogs were hanging out here barking right before midnight. Then we heard one crying in the ditch like it got hurt or something, but they’ll be back, I’m sure. My guess is they’re turning them loose at night. If they’d been out and about in the daytime we’d have seen and heard them. These things don’t wander around quietly. Ah, Mexican neighbors. They’re the best!

Jesse left a message – yes, he really used the phone, believe it or not – to say he did switch over to the ditch, so we should use bottled water. He probably came down while Tom was either in the shower or out running errands (I slept all day), and so that’s probably the only reason he left the message. So he tells us to use bottled water a whole day AFTER switching to the ditch. That’s smart. Bottled water is all we do use now since it became obvious enough that there’s going to be regular problems be it because of Jesse’s own stupidity, his damn dogs, or something else.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 6, 2009
We had to play well games again yesterday for a few hours. Yeah, I knew we were due any time. It had been a month. We had low pressure because the stupid cock up the hill, who I appreciate as much as I’d sometimes like to strangle, was dumb enough to take off while watering his shit for the millionth time. Maybe someday Mr. Shit for Brains will get that that’s not a very good idea.

Tom heard him leave on the motorcycle around 5pm. It was around 7pm that I discovered the low pressure when I went to do the dishes, then at 10:30, he zoomed in. We left a message around 7:00, then spoke to Maryann around 9:00 to make sure he hadn’t gone out of town for the long weekend. Shortly after he returned, though, he shut off whatever was running and our pressure returned to normal.

I was tempted to scrap the remaining $100 we owe him, but as Tom pointed out, he’s doing us a huge favor by not charging us late fees for breaking up the payments. We’d have racked up hundreds of dollars in late fees from a management company. That’s why we wanted to rent from an individual as they are more likely to work with you when times get tough. Yet as dumb as he can be, Jesse doesn’t care when we pay the rent as long as we pay it. It also helps a lot to have no electric bill to have to pay.

Got a card from Mary two days before her release saying she wasn’t sure if she’d sent me a number to call her, but that it fell through, so don’t bother. She’ll contact me when she gets to where she’s going.

She didn’t give me any number, though, so that’s good.

I had the drama queen send someone else’s diary feedback, LOL, so we’ll see if they reply to her with a thanks! (I used her email addy as the sender). All I said was that I loved their diary, could we be friends? Could they reply?

At around 11 pm, I was surprised to hear a guy’s voice in back. My guess is it came from the freeloader’s place. There are two things freeloaders never do. They never sleep and they never work, though it doesn’t look like Tom will be working for a long time to come either. His benefits have been extended to next May and they’re already talking more extensions! Sure, it’s better than being faced with homelessness like we were when we first came here, but even so, when are we ever finally going to be able to get ahead??? The longer we have to just sit around and wait, the longer it is till we have extra money.

Heard a couple of cats fighting outside yesterday after midnight. It woke Tom up.

Moved the rats back into the smaller cage. It’s easier to clean, takes up less space, and of course, a bag of bedding lasts longer. We got the multi-colored confetti bedding from Amazon with our Swagbucks. It’s definitely the prettiest bedding I’ve ever used.

Since it had been a while since I’d last seen it, I saw The Rats last night and as a rat lover, I can say that it was great! First it starts off by saying that they were the first to re-inhabit Hiroshima and that there’s 1 rat per every 9 people in New York. That’s about as many gays!

I loved the BS they mixed in with the facts. Yes they chew up a storm because their teeth keep growing, and yes they’re smart, tough, and can adapt to just about anything, and yes they have the incognizance problem from hell, but they would rather run than bite. Rats typically warm up to people easily, but they don’t bare their teeth and hiss when they get mad and their eyes don’t glow red. But that was the point of the movie; to have these genetically altered little monsters.

The part where they joined everybody in the pool was great.

I loved the part where this subway train suddenly stops and they hear these slapping sounds on the roof of the train which is really rats falling on it, then it shows millions of rats swarming all over the thing.

The ending was the best as millions of rats erupted like a fountain through the bottom of an empty pool, which is impossible, of course. Then when the Olympic-size pool was full of rats, they lit these explosives underneath them and millions of rats blew up all over the room! The effects were awesome. I then got a kick out of how they thought it was over yet the very last scene showed a bunch of little ratties climbing out of a trash can in a park IN THE DAYTIME when they wouldn’t be out and about. It was a fantastic movie! I’m sure most, though, would see it as I saw Arachnophobia – yuck!

FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 2009
Do people choose not to cum? That was an interesting question someone asked in their own journal entry, saying their man rarely cums. I can relate. Tom rarely does either, and while he insists it’s out of his control, I wondered if that were really the case because he never wanted to get help. It deeply troubled me during the first few years of our marriage. I felt like he was having sex FOR me and not WITH me, and that I wasn’t good enough. I also wanted a kid. I at least thought I did anyway.

He insisted he was indeed A-okay with having a kid, and for a while, I wasn’t sure if this was really true or not. After all, it’s common for a lot of guys to be anti-kid. If he wanted a kid, though, I asked myself, wouldn’t he have wanted to overcome his shyness and seek help, knowing that contrary to popular belief, your chances of conceiving from precum are next to nil? After all, there’s a reason there are millions of sperm in the first place; because a few are so unlikely to make anything. But then again, he DID cum at times, once resulting in a pregnancy. I just lost it practically as fast as I obtained it.

I also didn’t realize that our appetites tend to decline with age. Of course I’d heard this, but sometimes seeing is believing, and until we experience things for ourselves or simply mature with age, we just don’t always get it. 35 may not exactly have been over the hill, but it’s not like being 20 either. I noticed a sudden decline in my own drive in my late 30s. So no, I don’t think we’re as choosy as a lot of people like to think we are. I don’t think people choose to have sexual problems or dysfunctions anymore than they choose what gender, flavors, colors or music they like. I think he was comfortable with the problem, however, and didn’t exactly see it as a problem, though he was fully aware of it. Why? Oh, just because it’s easier for some guys to ignore things than to deal with them. He probably also didn’t want a kid as much as he said he did. I’m not saying he wouldn’t have been a great dad had we had a kid, I’m just saying he was ok without having one before I became ok with it as well. And with keeping the sheets dry, too!

I think a lot of people find it easier to insist one chooses certain things than to just accept the fact that we are how we are. Yes, some women choose to be with abusive men. It’s sick, it’s sad, but some really do get off on abuse. Especially one who has gone from abusive man to abusive man many times and well into their middle-age years. So yeah, they obviously choose to do this. But did they choose the illness in the first place that attracts them to their abusers? I think not! Alcoholics don’t choose to be alcoholics, do they? So while I don’t know how some women can get off on having pain inflicted upon them, particularly if it’s all they ever knew, some just do, and I don’t think they chose it.

I also believe that if a person admits they have a problem, but chooses to ignore it, then they must be content to keep the problem. We may not be able to help who we are to a degree, but we can choose whether or not to accept ourselves and others, or we can go through life kicking and screaming in protest, which is pretty much what I’m doing right now myself in some ways. My husband believes we’ll own a home again in a senior community in a few years when he’s 55 and that money won’t be an issue. I, however, believe he’s naïvely optimistic and that something will come up – probably something he can’t see right now – to fuck it all up for us. Thus leaving us to continue to struggle in someone else’s dump. Well, this is a very hard pill to simply swallow and just “accept.” Looking at the “bright side” of things isn’t always much consolation. All I can do is hope that he’s right and I’m wrong.

Another interesting subject I stumbled across - can God hate a group of people or just certain individuals? Well, if He hates gays, then He’s also hated Indians, Jews, blacks, you name it, as every group seems to have been picked on at one time or another. However, I do strongly believe that yes, He can favor certain individuals over others. Why else would some people’s lives be so much better than others? It’s just hard to believe He sees someone like Paris Hilton the same way he sees a baby whose parents decided one day that he or she is simply too noisy or too costly to deserve to live anymore.

They have these really cool language podcasts on iTunes that are free and they make for a great way to really help ground in what you’ve learned. It’s so way cool to be able to listen to Italian dialogs and to understand most, if not all, of what they’re saying BEFORE they translate it! But I did work hard to get myself where I’m at today. I did my Portuguese lesson, so now I’ll go review some Italian.

Decided to give up dieting, but this doesn’t mean I’ll let myself fall out of shape no matter how much weight I put back on. I’ll still be riding and running almost every day.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 2009
Last night my left arm cramped up big time. I was just sitting there when all of a sudden it cramped up – I guess “cramp” is the best way to describe it – sort of in back of my upper arm. A few minutes later it stopped as suddenly as it started. Then a while later I had an on-and-off dull ache in the area of my bicep. Tom was worried I was having a heart attack, checking my pulse, and asking if my fingertips were tingly. I assured him I couldn’t get that lucky to have anything kill me now. We’re too poor. See, not only do the good die young, but the cursed die old! It sure seems that way anyway. So, as one of God’s chosen ones to have to play poor-ass bums, like it or not, I don’t think He’d want me timing out anytime soon. It really bothers me to think that God feels we’re unworthy of having even medical insurance despite how hard we’re willing to work, but sometimes you really just can’t change fate. What’s meant to be is gonna be. Oh, well. In the end, He may’ve cursed me with a lot of things that take a lot of hate on His part, but He also had to have some love in His heart too, for I have Tom and many talents and abilities that I know I shouldn’t take for granted. My singing improved tenfold after quitting smoking even though by then I’d lost the desire to make a living at it. To be able to communicate just about anything I could need to in Italian in just 6 months, even if I already knew Spanish and even if I rarely use it, is quite a blessing. It’s amazing to go from pointing at various objects and naming them in Italian, to speaking whole sentences.

However, I’m back to losing faith in the power of prayer and thinking that if it does appear to work, it’s only a coincidence. Why else can’t Tom have the job I prayed for nearly a year ago? And why else is my weight stuck where it’s at despite how “normal” Tom and WebMD say it is? Well, I say I’m not done yet and that I want to lose at least 10 more pounds. And I say Tom could definitely use a job since my sleep disorder prevents me from getting one. But that was obviously part of the plan, designed to hold us back financially.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 2009
The freeloader’s dog barked at me a few times at 2:30 last night when I went into the kitchen to make a pig of myself yet again. Unless it was really Brandy. Neither of us has seen any dogs, but I still think it’s a matter of time.

I hate this time of year when September rolls around. Not as much as I did as a kid since September meant the start of school, and I hated school. I still hate it, though, as it means cooler temps, more noise, and holidays galore. I hate holidays that disrupt our lives, especially the mail. Our check is going to be a day or two late cuz of Labor Day, but we have plenty of food. That is if I can stop making such a pig of myself. I just don’t get it. I’m not only insanely hungry, but I am also able to take in HUGE quantities of food like when I got carried away after quitting smoking. It’s either hard to fill up at all or I’m only satisfied for 5 minutes. Keep this shit up and I’ll be looking at not only not losing any more weight, but putting what I’ve lost back on and then some!

I wish I knew what was causing such hunger and bloating. My metabolism is acting like old times - jumping 2-3 pounds after eating, sustaining its weight after not eating.

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Last updated July 31, 2024