August 2009 in 2000s

MONDAY, AUGUST 31, 2009
Yesterday I could hear sirens off on the highway in back when I was in the bathroom by the open window. Tom couldn’t hear it in the living room since no windows were open in there. I first heard them when I stepped out of the shower, but every time I’d go in to pee afterward I’d hear sirens. I told Tom something big must be going on nearby, but like I said, he couldn’t hear anything from where he was.

Then today, he said he was reading about the fires they’ve been having down in L.A. when they mentioned the Auburn fire. According to what Tom read, there was a huge fire just 5 miles away that burned about 60 homes/businesses. The wind was causing the fire to jump from rooftop to rooftop. I’m just glad the wind was blowing in the other direction cuz it could’ve gotten us! We’re on a hillside that would block some of it, but it still could’ve conceivably gotten us, so something was looking out for us for once.

Three times is the charm, Tom said one day when I was upset over losing the Arizona land/house, then the Oregon land. I’d never heard that saying before, but the point he was making is that the next house will be it, though I still have to see a “next” house to believe it.

Three times was the charm in my parents’ case. After all, it took them three kids before they finally got one that turned out normal.

Mary should be free now, enjoying all the door-slamming in whatever hotel she’s in! Welcome back to the real world, sister!

SUNDAY, AUGUST 30, 2009
So this is Mary’s last night in jail! I’m sure she’s having a hard time sleeping tonight, not that I can blame her!

Yesterday I heard the puppy squealing when I was out hanging sheets. It was nothing that could be heard indoors with the cooler running, but it would be obnoxious in the winter.

I’m sooo glad we never got offered a puppy! Not just because we don’t have an enclosed yard which is the biggest issue, but after spending so much time wishing other people would shut their dogs up, why would I want to have to deal with my own dog making a racket as well? Getting others to take care of their dogs takes enough time and work. It took 4 months to shut Jesse’s up, and like I said before, I can’t believe they’ll never be an issue again. Especially when the weather cools down.

I quit praying for God to help Tom get a job since praying just to be ignored really does get old. Someone said He’d do what’s in our best interest, but I’m not sure how unemployment can be in our “best interest.”

We aren’t that bad off, though, since I do plan to make a small retail order of incense in the next couple of weeks. I miss having a bigger variety of scents. I’ll get some oldies that I love, plus try some newbies as well.

I’m currently 34% through Portuguese 102 with a 94% accuracy rate.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 28, 2009
Another leisurely day in the non-existent, but peaceful lives of Tom and Jodi. Ah, but we sure did a damn good job on the smashed potatoes we made for people who hate to cook. I peeled, he cut, then I whipped. It wasn’t until they were starting to boil that he pointed out that we had no milk, so I made him run to the store for some. That worked out ok, though, since Jesse had our net/phone bill waiting in the box for us.

I dyed my hair light brown yesterday, though I’d say it’s medium brown. This Color Silk dye is the best I’ve used so far. I have some streaks of gray at my temples and that can be hard to cover, but this stuff, as cheap as it was, really provides good coverage.

Got a card from Mary yesterday. She’s both excited and nervous about re-entering the real world, but definitely ready. She thanked me wholeheartedly for the goodies I sent her and said it’s awesome I’m learning so many languages – you go, girl! Lastly, she’ll call or email me soon.

I took several pictures with my webcam showing my weight-loss progress even though I still have a long way to go if I could ever stop eating, plus some shots of me with the rat. I’ll be sending them to my folks. I’m going to load them into the end of the “Me” album on Webshots soon.

I should have our rather strange and hectic time in the mountains of the Klamath Falls Forest Estates posted on Blogger within a week.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 26, 2009
A dog barking somewhere in a huge hotel, a young Chinese man insisting he was my husband, me insisting I was Mia Lee Michelle from Plainville, Texas, me taking an elevator to nowhere with a character from the book I’m presently working on, my real husband asking me to masturbate for him… those were just some of the scattered and disjointed images from last night’s trip to dreamland.

Now I’m up a total of 3 pounds to 124, thanks to how much I ate yesterday. I was having one of those days where nothing seemed to fill me up and I was always hungry. I can’t believe how much I ate yesterday!

TUESDAY, AUGUST 25, 2009
I rode today and yesterday and never got those killer cramps, thank God, so I guess making sure I guzzle tons of water beforehand really is the answer. I’m up a couple of pounds, though, to 123 because I’ve been getting carried away.

The doll is doing worse this time around with just 11 views and 1 watcher. Maybe I won’t relist her if she doesn’t sell this time either. It may be only 15 cents, but why do something just to fail? Bad economy or not, it’s a hell of a deal, so that tells me all the more that something’s out to get us financially. Guess we’ve got to be compensated for the years we had money.

I’m way shocked, but pleased to say that we never did hear or see the freeloaders’ dogs over the weekend or yesterday. Maybe they really did get loose by accident. Still seems too good to be true, though.

Another day with my always home, always here hubby. I love the hell out of the guy and we haven’t fought in a million years, but still, everybody needs some space every once in a while, and I’ve always been one to prefer alone time more than most people. Being in places like Brattleboro, Valleyhead and jail does that to you.

I can totally see how I would’ve gone crazy with a kid before it was in school. No matter how much I may’ve loved that kid, never having a moment to myself would’ve really sucked. No matter how loving or doting one may be towards their kids, everybody needs time to themselves every now and then.

I feel I get more space when he’s asleep, but when I’m asleep when he’s also asleep, it doesn’t seem that way as much. It may not be anything like Brattleboro, Valleyhead, and jail since we can go outside anytime we want and I’m with one person I love who loves me, instead of dozens of others that are practically strangers, but I still miss having the house to myself at times. It makes cleaning and using the net easier, too. Instead, I get up, he’s there. I eat, he’s there. I do my online work, he’s there. I shower, he’s there. I work out, he’s there. I listen to music, he’s there. I clean, he’s there.

I’m also sick of nothing happening month after month, though I would rather nothing happen than bad things happen.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 23, 2009
Today’s cool and cloudy for August in California.

I passed Portuguese 101 with a 91%, though I doubt I’ll be able to stay up in the 90s as the courses get harder. As I’m learning, Spanish and Italian pretty much sound as they appear, but not Portuguese. They have a more complex sound system, though the grammar rules are more similar to Spanish.

The doll got 50 views but didn’t sell so we’re relisting her today. Later in the week, we’re also going to put up some raw turquoise we have.

Tom thinks the killer period-like cramps I had after exercising were due to a lack of water, so I guess I should try to drink more.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 22, 2009
I just had a strange and somewhat scary incident. I almost woke Tom up but knew there was nothing he could do for me and I didn’t want to scare him into calling an ambulance either. It’s the 4th time it’s happened and it’s only after exercise. I got off the bike and a few minutes later I suddenly felt like I had intense period cramps, but there was no bleeding. It’s happened after running too, and I can’t explain it for the life of me. This time around was worse! I started sweating like a pig, my heart got a little racy, and I even thought I might puke for a minute there. And then after about 10 minutes, it stopped as suddenly as it began. I just don’t get it.

So I was afraid to even think of working out again. But then I eventually coaxed myself back on the bike, reminding myself that it’s never happened twice in one day. Well, obviously there really is a first time for everything, cuz after hopping off the bike 10 minutes later and lying still in bed, the cramps turned themselves on. It wasn’t as intense the second time around, and they too, disappeared as suddenly as they began.

Got a card from Mary yesterday, excited about her release and going to NC. I was hoping she’d go there than to Arizona. Her brother’s the only family member that I know of who’s never abused her.

Nikita’s down to 3 watchers, but up to 44 views. I still hope she sells. We’ll find out in just under 9 hours!

I never saw or heard the neighbor’s dogs yesterday, but I know how these freeloaders work when they get testy. I don’t expect to see and hear them every day for about a week or two as they slowly let them loose more and more often. It wouldn’t surprise me if I saw them over the weekend when they know people are more likely to be around to see them.

We did hear a shot yesterday, but it wasn’t them. It wasn’t close and it was just one shot.

As I’ve mentioned before, Bendejo was acting as if he had something cancerous going on, mostly by appearing weaker. He used to jump up to his tube from the bottom of the cage and that’s about a 2-foot jump. But he can’t do that anymore. Well, yesterday’s when I finally saw the tumor in his balls. They’re affected by it before it’s big enough to be visible. He should be gone in a few months.

What else? Not much. I still get hit on by both men and women on FB and MS and have just a couple more lessons left in Portuguese 101.

I decided to annoy Tammy yesterday by not posting any entries. My Blogger count has been going up in 10s every day lately. It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if it were cuz of her and maybe even the girls, too.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 20, 2009
I was stunned to find I was 121 pounds when I got up today! Especially since I’m not dieting or working out that much, and had just hit a new low of 122 less than a week ago. Watch, with my shit luck I’ll be compensated with being stuck at 121 forever, but that’s ok. 121’s not a bad weight to be stuck at.

No message yesterday from the drama queen, though I didn’t expect one. Today or tomorrow is more like it unless she bought my story about no longer checking for messages. Maybe this makes me just as bad as her, but I’m almost looking forward to her next message that’s how humorously asinine they are. Just unbelievably, totally childish and immature. I can’t believe this is my 52-year-old sister pulling this shit!

Yesterday morning at around 7:30, I heard a bark in the bedroom that sounded a little too close for comfort. I went into the kitchen, looked out at the drive in back, and sure enough, we’ve got some brazen folks living in back here! I mean that is one bold fuck to already be letting the dogs run loose again. I wasn’t expecting it for another month or so, but it’s been just 6 weeks. I can’t believe that spiting others is worth risking losing their own dogs! IDK, maybe they want to get rid of the dogs, don’t have the heart to give them up on their own, and are hoping to lose them this way, but it still seems like a spite/defiance thing to me. If the dogs weren’t so damn loud I wouldn’t give a shit, but these things can’t just come and go quietly. If they didn’t have to be so loud about it, they could come and go all they wanted. I wouldn’t give a shit if they attacked Jesse’s dogs or not. But they come barking onto the land and just stand there barking for no apparent reason at all. And these are BIG dogs with BIG barks. Pit bulls are nothing to mess with either. sighs A few more regular sightings, and yes, they will be regular, and I’ll put in what will be the third complaint that I know of, along with Jesse’s, since once again, it appears that it’s going to be up to US to take care of HIS neighbor’s dogs. I know they don’t care if they lose the dogs. That much has become rather obvious and I’m kind of surprised they bothered to tie them up the last 6 weeks. I also know they’ll just turn around and get more dogs if they do lose these in the name of spite, but every week I get off from having to be startled, distracted and annoyed by such loud, obnoxious barking is worth it. Like I said, they don’t just come and go. They stand out there barking at God only knows what and it’s horrendously loud. So loud I can hear it over the box fan when it’s on high.

Tom said what he said the last time; that he thinks they just got loose accidentally. What a naïve thing to think! And after they came barking onto the land practically every single day. Well, we’ll see if he still thinks that when we see them today, and tomorrow, and the day after that, till I get sick of the racket enough to call the complaint line. Trust me, this was no “accident!” The only time they appear to be tied up is at night.

The Nikita doll now has 5 watchers and 29 views. I’m still hopeful that someone will snag her at the last minute. We’ll find out in a couple of days!

Anyway, the dogs should come barking by any minute now. I already heard a few yips from down in the ditch.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 19, 2009
Here’s the latest from Tammy, claiming to be from Sarah as “goodone.” I assume that’s the niece she’s trying to come off as anyway as we go from threats to sexual.

“Hi Fucked Up Aunt this is the shit head niece. Just wanted to know what you are smoking today? I heard about your dolls, and I just wanted you to know that I collect PUSSY dolls. And if you are really good I will let you lick them since in your fucked up diary that gives all of us a great laugh you claim to be BI. So my message to you is SUCK IT BITCH. with love the good niece.”

Not sure about the part where I “claim to be bi.” Does she think I’m really straight? Just gay? Well, I always did prefer the ladies, but as I said before, I married Tom for love as opposed to lust. If a marriage of lust was enough for me I’d have either married before meeting Tom or never at all.

Why is she calling her kid “the good niece” and the “shit head niece” at the same time? And what am I smoking? Hmmm…this chick’s losing it, alright. Try as I do, I cannot understand where this rage comes from. I’ve never known her to act this crazy before, but I guess there’s a first time for everything, right?

I still don’t get what the point is either. I’m trying to read between the lines, and I’m still not sure if she’s trying to get me to set my online journal as private, or if she’s trying to bait me into writing threats (for real). Maybe she just wants to drive me crazy? Tom thinks that my not mentioning her at all will create worse problems for her. If he’s right, then maybe she really does enjoy the journal. She keeps reading it, doesn’t she? But why get carried away with the insulting and threatening messages and take the risk of the person marking it as private? Either way, I’m going to take his advice and only mention what she sends in my tell-all journal. In fact, today I might not do an entry other than the “Ariella” affair I’m writing about. Ari is just a character in my next book, LOL.

I’m now 69% through Portuguese 101 with a 93% accuracy rate and have already made Student of the Week in Portuguese. Yup. Portuguese is much more similar to Spanish than Italian is to Spanish, though the pronunciation is harder than both.

The doll has 4 watchers and 26 views. Do I think she’ll sell? I couldn’t begin to guess, though I am hopeful. It’s hard to believe all 4 watchers have the same doll and are just watching to see what mine sells for. Especially with only 3500 of her ever made. She’s also black, something this country’s become quite obsessed with, and I’m selling her for less than half of what she’s worth. On the flipside, times are tough now and the economy is still doing pretty shitty.

As frustrating as it may be that there are still no jobs coming into Auburn, I had to laugh when Tom pointed out that he’s sure made a lot of money sitting around. Yeah, almost $1300 a month IS getting paid quite a bit to not work, LOL.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 18, 2009
Will work for food, but not for free. Yeah, that’s my new motto. All my life I have done for others. I have helped to make and save them money. I have given generously whenever possible. But sometimes I have to think of my own self and that’s exactly what I’m going to do with the Book Mania. I’m flattered that someone may like my writing and I don’t mind helping to promote someone’s website, but I’m also sick of not getting paid for my work. Writing for myself is one thing, but writing for free for others is another thing. Well, no more! I don’t expect to get paid for writing in my own journal no matter who may or may not read it. But from now on, if I’m going to write stories it’s going to be for fun or for profit. Not for fun and for someone else’s profit. Even a buck a chapter would’ve been nice from the Book Mania, but that’s just greedy people for you. They expect you to contribute and to give to them endlessly. But what do we get in return? Just feedback! It’s not that I don’t appreciate the feedback I’ve gotten over there praising my story overall and letting me know what they thought should be changed, but I’d rather work hard for myself than entertain others for free. Pay me fairly, though, and I’ll entertain you all you want! You name it and I can probably write it. As I’ve learned, it isn’t the subject that sells – any subject will sell – it’s how it’s written.

As usual, there’s not much else going on. I’m up a pound and a half cuz of my fudge binge, and the doll has 22 views and 4 watchers. No guarantees on the doll, but I’ll be back down a pound or two tomorrow.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 15, 2009
Wow, Tammy must enjoy this journal immensely! And I mean immensely. After all, she just can’t seem to get enough of it. Yup, you guessed it; another round of threats from my dear sister in regard to the nightmare I had about her which I wrote about in my last entry on MD. I can’t believe there are people who would take a dream personally! But before I get into that, I lost another pound! Had someone told me I’d one day be 122 pounds after spending 6-7 years in the 130s-140s, I never would’ve believed it. Not “skinny” for my height, but not fat. Especially for 43. Here’s the catch, though. I haven’t really been dieting or working out that much. How do you slam on a pound of fudge and lose more weight? Tom said it’s an accumulative effect of working out and dieting plenty enough on most days. See, I’m just the opposite. I feel I’m not working out or dieting as hard as I should. It’s weird to have struggled as long as I did to get nowhere, yet now I’m losing weight without much effort. The only thing that hasn’t changed is that it’s taking me forever to do it. They say it stays off better that way, though, so we’ll see. For now, I guess I’ll be here forever, think I’ve bottomed out, and then hit 121. I have now lost 25 pounds, though it’s almost 30 if you count before I officially began this new diet a year ago. I can now shake my wedding band right off my hand! I’m so sorry I got it enlarged like I did in 2000. But if I can be the whale that I was in the past, there’s no saying for sure that the weight will stay off forever.

We listed the Nikita doll on eBay and if anyone knows anything about dolls they’ll know that $149, including shipping, is a great deal for a doll that normally retails for over $300. We’ll find out in a week! We’re not going to drop her price and relist her if she doesn’t sell, though, cuz we’re not that hard up for bucks at the moment, believe it or not. Still, the extra money would still be nice.

Yay, Bendejo the rat is dying! I know that sounds so mean of me, but he was never a favorite being as skittish as he is. I only kept him cuz Tom insisted. Puerco, who’s also not a favorite but is friendlier than his brother, seems to be doing ok. I don’t see any tumor where Bendejo’s concerned, but he’s acting like it’s cancer or some sort of organ failure. He’s losing weight and becoming feeble, though he is still eating normally. It could be worms, though I doubt it, cuz then Puerco would have them, too.

So anyway, the mountain part of our time up in timber country was hectic, the motels were a very depressing time for me, the duplex noisy and stressful, but the house was fun. Most of it was anyway. The street noise was horrendous, the weather sucked, the house itself sucked, and I was as uninsured as I am now, but it was fun for the most part and a part of me is sorry we left. Then again, they probably would’ve laid him off up there, too.

Where the Spanish alphabet has 29 letters, the Italian alphabet has just 21. They don’t do j, k, w, x & y. Portuguese has 23-26 depending on where you are.

I counted to 20 in Portuguese for Tom and he said it sounded very similar to Spanish, though he could tell it wasn’t Spanish. He said he doesn’t recognize Portuguese very well, so he might not have known that that’s what it was. Neither would I if Gloria hadn’t done one of her songs in Portuguese like she did. Lots of ow and soft g sounds in Portuguese.

Ok, here’s the latest from the Drama Queen Tammy. First, though, she’s creating new email addies for each one. This one’s from ufukup, the last one was hateu. I don’t know why she’s using different addies as the IP has already been logged, but here’s what she had to say anyway:

“There is no one in this family that can stand you. You did not decide to have anything to do with us, we all cut you off. Envy you, your fucked up, your pictures of you look like your fucked up dolls. You are a lonely fucked up bitch. If your one friend according to your web page and or any other person that is half normal can see that you are and have been since birth mentally very ill. Anyone can do a background check and see all your arrests,jail time and probation for threats and harrasment to people. You have nothing and you are nothing. If you make any more contact with me or my family, I will do everything to see you back behind bars. I did it once I will do it again. I will show up at your dingyall you have in life trailor and shoot you and put the family and public in some piece. Signed by one of your family out of several of us who hates your guts. You and your queer husband need to go to hell.”

Talk about Tammy with a new twist! Like I said before, I know she’s mean, I know she’s negative, I know she’s a nut. But this is getting downright vicious! I’ve never known her to be this spiteful, and this full of hate. So much for thinking she may’ve been innocent after all since she just went and admitted that yes, she did intend all along to get me jailed for defending her against her ABUSIVE ex. The one who beat her, beat Lisa, raped me with his eyes, then knocked up a 15-year-old. I don’t know if the kid ever had the baby, though. She may not have known about the warrant any more than we did, but yep, her goal all along WAS to have that sister who was always “there for her” jailed for letting that abuser she loved so much (and probably still does) have it. It’s too bad he didn’t kill her. Maybe Mark will take the honors instead. smiles hopefully

What more than likely happened was that it was a spite case against me for dumping her when we left Phoenix. I decided the best thing I could do for myself was to just ignore the whole family and start anew. So I did. I wiped the slate clean of all those who had hurt me in the past and tried to move on. Well, she didn’t like it. She no doubt got our address from one of Tom’s relatives, though I’m sure she didn’t tell them her true intentions. I’m sure she said something like, “She gave me her new address, but I lost it.” So yeah, she was pissed at me for dumping her, and Bill was the weapon. The cops wouldn’t have gone to such lengths to trace the address of someone blowing off steam, threatening or not, from 3000 miles away.

What I don’t get is how she can be dumb enough not to see that the only one who’s done anything illegal is her. Doesn’t she know it’s illegal to send threatening messages? Does she WANT to go to jail? Does she think she can just do anything she wants to whoever she wants? Does she not give a shit? Not think these things out BEFORE acting? Or is she just too damn crazy these days to think rationally and distinguish right from wrong?

I also didn’t get why she keeps threatening me with jail if I contact anyone in her family when the only one being contacted is me. Then it hit me. Duh! Yeah, I’m slow at times. Not that she can have me jailed for contacting other adults, but it’s obvious that she’s worried about Lisa and I contacting each other and speaking the truth about her amongst ourselves.

“There is no one in this family that can stand you.”

Right. My folks are just pretending.

“You did not decide to have anything to do with us, we all cut you off.”

laughs That’s a convenient thing to tell yourself when you can’t handle rejection.

“You are a lonely fucked up bitch.”

Does she think I live alone or something? And what web page? I have like a zillion web pages. And are these supposed to be real friends or just cyber friends?

“I will show up at your dingyall you have in life trailor and shoot you and put the family and public in some piece.”

Ok, I’ll be waiting.

“You and your queer husband need to go to hell.”

laughs harder Tom’s queer? Wow, that’s a first! Yeah, we were laughing at that one, alright, and I was teasing him, calling him queer, etc. Yet the only one who’s ever been attracted to the same sex is me, LOL!

Later…

This just came in from “Queer:” If only you knew what will be in your future. You sick lying bitch. You will never have the last word. Watch OUT.

So let me get this straight – she gets up every morning and runs to check out my journal? Is that what she’s been doing every day? Sitting there waiting for me to say something she doesn’t want to hear? Hmmm… interesting for someone who’s supposed to hate me, wants to kill me, wants to see me jailed, and wants to make damn sure I’m not getting the last word. Not sure why the “last word” would be so important to someone who could hate me that much, but I assure you she’s doing anything but making sure I get the last word. All I do know is that she’s obviously having a blast sending me these threats and insults and that there’s nothing to “watch OUT” for because my future doesn’t include her any more than it already unfortunately does in the form of digital threats. I can handle that, though. I would’ve slapped this thing private if I couldn’t.

Anyway, I don’t know what happened in my demented sister’s life to make her this crazy. I’ve never seen her act this insane before. I’ve seen her get pissed, but never this furious, hateful and paranoid. Usually, she just ignores someone she dislikes. Something had to have happened along the way that I don’t know about because no one from this household is making any contact with anyone in her family, and if she would just start a journal or blog of her own, then she could have all the last words she wants. But no, I would not read it because I would not care. I’m not interested in this drama queen, even though it sure seems to think I am or at least wants me to be. IDK, maybe Mark did give her the beating of her life and it caused brain damage and that’s what’s making her so crazy.

Never in my life have I been physically afraid of my sister. I wasn’t kidding when I said I was in great shape. Lots of strength, flexibility and stamina. I run and or ride a mile or two nearly every day. I do hundreds of ab crunches. However, if I were suddenly alone in a room with her, I think I just might actually be scared. Not that she could screw me with the law, but hell, maybe she really would try to kill me! And she just might not need a gun to do it! Insanity can give you some rather superhuman strength, and sometimes the nuts are the most dangerous of all. So if anything happens to my husband or myself, you know who to question!

Some say I should show these threats to the police, but as long as she keeps her shit in print, the words can’t jump off the screen and hurt me. If she does come to our place, then we’ll do whatever it takes to defend ourselves.

Every time I think she’s gotten me out of her system and is finally sick of my journal, sick of letting me know what she’d like to do to me, and just sick of me altogether, she hits me with a new round of threats and insults. It’s kind of funny cuz it’s so childishly asinine, but now I’m starting to actually fear for my safety. Before I was just a sick lying bitch. Now I’m dead meat and she’s making physical threats. What does this genuine loon want from me? For me to mark this private? Sorry, but it’s not my job to figure out what SHE wants. In fact, I think I’ll just quit reading messages for a while. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. She may not be sick of me, but I’m sick of her.

At least she spelled every word correctly this time around. Every single word. I’m impressed! Maybe someone else is behind this little hate campaign that not even she knows about. I suppose anything is possible. I can’t see the person behind the words, but if anything happens to me the cops can trace the IP.

I agree with those who say she’s just blowing off steam cuz she doesn’t like what I have to say about her, even though I don’t get why she reads this if she’s got such a problem with it, due to the fact that if you were going to harm someone you wouldn’t usually give them warning and leave whatever crime you planned to commit in print. So regardless of the fact that I myself haven’t broken any laws, her leaving these messages and then coming out here to either try to legally screw me or kick my ass, would really make her look bad. I’m surprised she’s not harassing me on Twitter, Blogger and other sites, too. Then she could look even worse!

As always, though, opinions are like assholes and everybody’s got ‘em. So if you don’t like what I have to say you’re always welcome to click on out of this diary.

Oh, I got a kick out of how everyone said I oughta plaster this diary with lesbian porn since she hates gays. First off, she’s not worth the extra effort. Secondly, she hates everyone, including Mexicans, even though one of her daughters is half-Mexican. This is ok, though, for I myself have no discriminations. I hate everyone equally, LOL!

Later…

Is anyone else being stalked online by their own sister? I still can’t figure out if she’s trying to get me to mark my diary private or if that’d pissed her off even more. I mean, she must enjoy reading this somewhat since she keeps coming back for more.

I could set it private and deactivate other accounts elsewhere, but I don’t want to give her what she wants if that truly is what she wants.

Anyway, I’m kind of bored right now waiting for the laundry to finish so I can go to bed.

Nikita has 1 watcher and 8 views. As long as she gets a bid!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 14, 2009
Today was the best day I’ve had in days. This was waiting for me from Lisa on MS:

“Hey just got your message and thank you very much. The only isssue I has was with you and Sarah. I love my sisters very much they are pretty much the only family that I do talk to. I have decided it would be best that I dont talk to my mom because we do not see eye to eye on anything. Not saying anything bad cause I know how she will react if a, she finds out im talking to you and b, if she hears im talking shit on her and I will not give her the satisfaction and act immature and say bad things about her even though she is a very negative mean person, who I want nothing to do with. I am the type of person who gives everyone a chance and tries to help people even though my childhood and young adult life have been nothing but hell! I have dealt with severe depression, eating disorders, drug and alchol issues and many others. (cant spell today lol). I am trying to get my life back in order. Getting rid of all the horrible memories of my past that I have hidden with drugs and alchol. Im also trying to get rid of any type of drama or negativity as well. I live on my own and I can talk to any one I want. But family is family so from time to time please check in with me, between us so that I know you are ok. Mom has no influence on me and never will be be able to control me again. As long as you dont contact them I give you my word I am ok. But also on that note I would hope nothing bad will be done or said to my sisters cause I love them dearly. I have spent years trying to locate you, and regardless on what you have done in your past I would never judge cuz I know what its like to be judged and put down by your own family. Hope to hear from you soon in response to this letter thanks hun! Lisa”

In my reply I told her I was sorry if I offended her by calling Sarah rude, reminding her that I understood it was all Tammy-inspired and that she was just a kid who’d no doubt gone through similar nightmares and so I didn’t hold it against her.

I was a bit surprised to learn she’s tight with her sisters. For some reason, I pictured them treating her as an outsider being a half-sister and all that.

I told her I agreed it’s wise not to associate with her mom, I myself have no desire to ever do so again and would keep her a secret and out of my online journal.

While it may be easy to say I don’t care, I am truly sorry I couldn’t do more to help her in the past. She said her childhood and young adult life were hell and I believe it.

I was also surprised to learn she tried to locate me for years. I figured she’d one day get curious, yes, but I had no idea she spent years searching for me! I’m as flattered as I am shocked.

As I reminded her, I went through everything she listed but the drugs and alcohol, though I ended up experiencing more anger than depression as I got older. Some of the neighbors and coworkers that treated me like shit in the past – I’d never handle them today the same as I handled them in the past. Maybe it’s a good thing they are in the past in that case, since I’d have wracked up God knows how many assault sentences if they had crossed the me of today as opposed to the me of yesterday.

As I also told her, I never liked Bill and felt so bad for the way he treated her and her mother. I knew Tammy was making a mistake in marrying him. I’m just sorry she had to pay for her mistake as well. We can laugh off shit like “you should’ve jumped from a higher window” as adults, but you can’t tell a 10-year-old they’ll amount to nothing and not expect it to leave any scars. Did our mothers realize the damage they were inflicting at the time? I don’t know. I just know that “sorry” doesn’t cut it, not that they’re capable of saying that word anyway.

I told her I wouldn’t judge her either. They could say she was an ax murderer and even if it were true, well, she hasn’t wielded an ax at Tom and I, so it’s okay.

Lastly, I asked if she lived in a house or apartment and if she was married and working.

We had all kinds of goodies waiting for us at the mail place today. Nothing from Mary or Paula, but I got a package from my folks, a letter from Rosa, and a few samples.

The DVD of them swimming with dolphins was awesome! It looked like such fun. They were with two other couples I didn’t recognize. I loved how the dolphins gave them kisses in the end after pulling them around and jumping through hoops. I once read that dolphins, chimps and rats are the smartest animals. Yes, you can train rats to do tricks too, and of course I had to laugh at the thought of the dolphins suddenly turning into giant rats. “Imagine my mom’s reaction!” I said to Tom.

The package also contained a jewelry box, a small wicker basket, mouse magnets, a photo magnet of themselves, sunglasses, dreidels, two personal fans in my top two favorite colors (pink and purple), clothes, a Star of David-shaped pad with colorful ‘shalom’-shaped stickers, Cotton Blossom scented lotion, a game you plug into your TV, and headphones with a radio in it. Tom will enjoy the last two items. I especially like one of the dresses and the scented lotion.

So I sent them a letter with the highlights of our lives but haven’t responded to Rosa’s letter yet. That’s ok. There’s no hurry.

Rosa’s doing as well as can be in her case. She has a TV, keeps busy, and her mother and son come to visit her from Mexico. She didn’t mention her husband, so I guess he’s out of the picture. She sent a picture of herself which was taken at the prison. It appears to have been taken outdoors in some sort of visiting area. She also enclosed a picture of her son, now 8 and living with her mom.

It was funny how she said, “I was skinny in this picture at only 144 pounds.” She did look thin too, even though she’s not much taller than me. You’d think I’d be anorexic at 123 pounds, but in truth, I actually look around 115 cuz muscle weighs so much more than fat. Yet I don’t look skinny at all but just average being barely 5’ tall.

I’m really amazed at all the English she’s learned, but spending a decade around English-speaking people, Mexican national or not, will do that to you. She did do some writing in Spanish, like what she wrote on back of the pictures and the card she made for me. As she said, she’s a pretty crafty person.

I understood every word in Spanish and never had to look anything up – yes!

She said she can’t believe how much I remember about County, I have a good memory… Yeah, too good at times, but hey, I do also keep a journal! I’m sure she was laughing her ass off remembering the pranks we’d pull.

She said she’s sorry we’re having a rough time and hopes things get better.

Lastly, she loved my pics, I’m beautiful, keep in touch. I sent 5 pics from 2000 on up till now.

Later…

I finally got around to trying on the clothes Ma sent in the last package and they’re too big for me. Argh! I went and checked the tags and sure enough, they were larges and mediums. But just because some of the shirts are a bit loose and baggy doesn’t mean I still can’t wear them, although I can’t wear some of the strapless tops and pants.

I got to thinking about how Tammy the drama queen insists she didn’t know where we moved to and wondered if she might’ve been a little more truthful than I gave her credit for. This doesn’t change anything and I still don’t want to know she exists, but maybe she really didn’t know our address. Maybe the pigs traced us from Phoenix to the Tempe PO box to the Maricopa one in which we had to give them a physical address. IDK, but that doesn’t change the fact that she defended her abuser and unknowing – and I said UNKNOWINGLY – led the police to arrest me when they routinely ran my name for warrants, thus delivering me into the hands of some very sick, hateful people who were highly obsessed with tormenting me through the law in any way they could just because they knew they could do it and get away with it. Especially with their connections.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 12, 2009
I thought of returning to the Life as a Caligirl diary title, but then said to myself, what life? You don’t HAVE a life. You guys are sitting here on unemployment waiting for life to happen that never seems to want to happen. Going with Me Uncensored isn’t very good when I am at least a little censored online, believe it or not, LOL! So that’s when I came up with Pensieri, Temores, Experiências, Rêves. Thoughts (Italian), Fears (Spanish), Experiences (Portuguese), Dreams (French). After all, I write my thoughts, such as the fact that I’m thinking that I’m getting really damn sick of the family drama. I write my fears such as the possibility of a raging forest fire. My experiences such as all the different climates I’ve lived in. And lastly my dreams of owning our own home once again.

Before I get on with our lives, or what’s become a lack of it, I got another message from Lisa which gave me the impression that she feels I’m rejecting her. She never mentioned this diary so maybe she really doesn’t know about it. Therefore, I felt I should finally reply and explain to her why I feel it’s in her best interest that we don’t communicate. I let her know that it isn’t about me giving her rejection, but about me looking out for her. I told her I love her dearly, but even if she didn’t say anything and I kept it out of my diary, others would eventually find out we’ve been keeping in touch and give her all kinds of shit for it. I told her I didn’t want to get her hopes up as far as her mom and I patching things up. I didn’t want to get into all the reasons I can’t stand her and how the best way to avoid those that give us shit is to ignore them whenever possible because she’s an adult and it’s up to her to decide if and when she’s had enough. I told her that aside from the reasons I’m upset with her mom, we’re like night and day and so I don’t see the point anyway. Anyone who tells me I should’ve jumped from a higher window is not someone I want to be buddies with whether they’re related to me or not. I told her I didn’t mean to hurt her by saying so but didn’t want to lie to her either. I also told her that her mother threatened me if I ever contacted anyone in her family again. Even though they’re adults and she has no hold on me and cannot hurt me, I don’t need the hassles and neither does my husband. Spiting me is one thing, but as she fails to recognize, my husband also has to deal with whatever trouble she causes me. Lastly, I told her that while I don’t expect to ever resume a relationship with her or Larry, I’ll always love her and wish the best for her. I hope this will help placate her, at least a little.

Anyway, I know that if need be I could block them on FB and MS or just deactivate the accounts altogether. I could ignore whatever feedback comes in. I’d hate to miss the good ones, but I’m not going to set the diary private like I said. Not without a damn good reason, and you know what? I ain’t got one!

The shitty thing is that I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Tammy dragged our folks into this. As if they don’t have enough problems of their own at their ages and with their health issues. So unless that much has changed, she always at least used to involve others in our disputes. Furthermore, I’m sure my parents will side with her. They may love all their kids equally, but parents tend to automatically side with whoever’s older. That’s just human nature for parents and I don’t have to be a parent myself to know this. Ah, but I’m not about to defend myself to them either. I don’t owe anyone any explanations for anything I say and do. If I ever bring it up myself it will be because I chose to do so. Period. Or maybe I’ll just act as if nothing happened. Ah, ignorance is bliss!

One of my parents is going to die when they’re 83. I don’t know how I know this. I just do. I don’t know which one will be the first one to go or how. In 2004 it came to me that Tom’s mom would die of a massive stroke when she was 86 or 87. Well, she’s going to be 86 on the 29th, so we’ll see. She still owes us about 15K too, but we’ll never see it. That’s the money that she and Dad agreed would go to each of their kids when the first one died. They were to take whatever money they had at the time and divvy up half of it amongst the kids, but of course, being the cold, calculated person that she is, she kept it all for herself. I remember when people would warn me about how selfish she could be and how much she loved to use people, and I just couldn’t believe it. I mean, she comes off as the nicest, sweetest lady ever. But then when I saw the way she took advantage of Tom’s kindness after dad died, who always wore the pants in the family and kept the Queen in check, even though he was a great guy and never abused his wife or kids, it infuriated the hell out of me until Tom finally saw her true colors and put his foot down. That wasn’t the final straw, though. The final straw came in Oregon when she left her son and his wife to pretty much live or die. She knew we had NOTHING those first few months in Oregon, but she was too pissed off to care now that Tom wasn’t around to drive her to church or to use for whatever else she needed. She was just a true fair-weather friend at heart. shakes head sadly And this was after she promised us any help we may need and not to hesitate to ask.

Damn, I wish we could’ve been an only child!

Print THAT for the state police!

Now that we’re only picking up our mail once a week there should be a ton of stuff waiting for us. I hope the check’s there so I can get my fudge fix out of the way. I’ve been craving fudge for over a week now, and PMS brings out the worst of cravings, LOL. Screw losing more weight. If staying a little fat means being able to enjoy a little indulgence, then a little fat is A-okay.

Some of the past entries I’ve read kind of sound sadder and more hopeless than I actually remember feeling. Well, I wouldn’t say things are bad, but I sure do feel stuck in a rut. When life gives you the wrong results for your efforts, well, that’s frustrating at times! We’re getting just what we should get if we were lazy, drunks or druggies who didn’t give a damn, and that’s not much of a life with not much money to go with it. Why do these things happen to sober people who don’t mind hard work?

When they told me after I had a miscarriage that I could eventually have a kid if I kept trying, you know why I finally decided a kid wasn’t what I really wanted? So I could have a life. Yup. So I could just go on living, enjoy my freedom, and just have a life. Well, I went on living, and I have my freedom so long as no hateful “minorities” are busy getting me thrown in jail with the help of their equally hateful pig pal, but I don’t feel I have much of a life right now. It’s not that we’re not working at all, though. Hey, somebody’s gotta clean and do the laundry. It’s also hard work doing computer programming, learning languages and writing stories, so it’s not like we’re sitting, staring at the wall and twiddling our thumbs. Plus I got a few little online jobs as small as they may be.

Things could be a lot worse than they are and we’ve certainly been in situations that were much more stressful. But I still kind of miss the days when I’d wake up and know there was probably a win-notice waiting for me in my inbox, or a surprise win in the mail. I miss having extra money, too. Next month we’ll have a little extra, but not this month because our car insurance is due. Maybe Nikita will bring us extra money. She is a very expensive doll, after all. We’ll probably list her this weekend.

Later…

When the jobless get bored, the bored get learning. Yeah, being jobless can make you smarter! I’m 37% through Portuguese 101 with a 98% accuracy rate, though I never would’ve gotten such a high score if it weren’t for the Spanish. I finished Unit 1. There were sound issues with the Portugal Portuguese so I dumped it and enrolled in the Brazilian Portuguese where the sound is much better.

I wish my schedule were either a few hours ahead or a few behind because sleeping is gonna be hard today. That’s cuz it’s mail and check day, and so I’ll keep waking up wondering if anything good came in the mail and anxious to make that yummy fudge I was talking about earlier. And of course, if the check comes tomorrow instead, I’ll be doing this two days in a row and not one.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 11, 2009
Here’s what I left on MD for Lisa after leaving notes on my FB and MS pages for her to refer to my diary: I hope my niece Lisa, whom I will always love dearly, can leave me a message on MySpace to let me know she got my message there, read the last few entries here, and understands why I feel it best not to communicate with her now. If she could leave a simple message like: Got my aunt’s message, that’d be cool.

I’d love to talk to her too, but again, it’d no doubt be in her best interest that I don’t. Others would only hassle her for it. No matter what they say, though, she’ll always have a place in my heart. They can say she’s crazy. They can say she’ll amount to nothing. They can say she’s a murderer. But her aunt has something else to say and that’s that Lisa will always be her niece.

So tomorrow I’ll check her page and see if there’s any reference to it. My blog count over there jumped up as it did when Tammy attacked me from there, so I’d say she probably did check out my page and see the message.

Anyway, the members of my official harassment campaign have taken the day off. Maybe it’s finally sunk in that I’m only out to express and record the opinions that they were taking as a personal attack.

Not much else to report on. I slept through most of this very hot day, but it’s my kinda weather. Wish it could last year-round. People don’t realize that Cali’s not warm and sunny every single day of the year. Maybe in San Diego, but not up here.

MONDAY, AUGUST 10, 2009
I wasn’t going to post today, but I have some feedback to respond to from what’s become one of my most faithful followers lately. Yeah, this is almost as funny as it is sad, sick, immature, twisted, childish and getting oh so incredibly old. Maybe they’ll get sick of me sooner or later, LOL.

Here’s the latest from that ever-so-loyal follower. As soon as I saw it was from a globalnet email I knew it was Tammy or someone connected to her. It says

“Youneed need to tell people the whole truth not your sick lying version. You live in the middle of no where because Tom knows that with all your past arrests and jail time that it is a metter of time before you start trouble with neighbors, like James. You are unique but not in your writing. You will always amount to nothing. you need to be committed, you should of never been let out of Vermont. or you should of jumped from a higher window and saved your family all this hurt and grief.”

Did they think I wouldn’t post this one, too? And why are they saying Auburn is the “middle of nowhere?” The place is fairly secluded being in the woods and all that, but Auburn itself is just a small town about 30 miles east of Sacramento. Google Earth would love to give you a tour. Maricopa, Arizona was the middle of nowhere, and Bly Mountain in Oregon was beyond the middle of nowhere. That was more like another planet. Oh, and we haven’t had any neighbor problems for years, BTW. Our landlord’s dogs get annoying at times, but even that hasn’t been an issue. I’m sure it will be in the winter, though.

James was never a neighbor either. He was/is the husband of Stacey, the apartment manager who “stars” in We’ll Meet Again Someday. I knew Stacey when I first moved to Phoenix but never met James in person. So my “fans” are either not reading this diary in much depth or they’re not retaining what they’ve read. Since being with Tom our only problem neighbors were the freeloaders in Phoenix and a couple of crazy old ladies who lived next to us in the duplex we were in for just under a year in Oregon. When you move as much as we have, you’re bound to get a few loud, rude and obnoxious neighbors along the way who just want to cause everybody around them nothing but problems.

I also got a very sweet message from Lisa on both FB and MS. I will not, however, post that here. Let’s just say she knows where I’m coming from and we aren’t quite the strangers that me and the other two are. Despite how much I love my niece I’ve chosen not to respond for her sake. If I do, the others will only make her life harder than it probably already is and she’d basically be seen as a traitor of sorts. See, the others are only half-sisters and so I can totally see where the others would treat her as a bit of an outsider, even if it were on a subconscious level that they weren’t even aware of. It’s why Bill beat the shit out of her; because she was the “other man’s” child. Oops, I mean the “other abuser’s child.”

Meanwhile, I will never be a sister to Larry, nor a sister to Tammy, nor an aunt to Becky, or an aunt to Sarah, but I will always be Lisa’s aunt just like she herself said. And I hope with all my heart that that girl experiences nothing but happiness in life, and if she doesn’t want to keep on going through the same old never-ending cycle of BS, then I suggest she dump her so-called family in its entirety. Forever.

As for saving my family “all this hurt and grief,” if my words are causing such hurt and grief, again I have to wonder why they bother to read them. Perhaps it is because deep down they really want to read this? Maybe they get off on it somehow. Or maybe it really is an eye-opening experience as to just who the crazy, lying ones in this family really are.

Not much in the way of chest pains or palpitations lately, or am I any closer to figuring out what causes them? Both nerves and heart failure make no sense. I was way more stressed out when Tom was first laid off yet I didn’t have palpitations much then. But if it was connected to my heart going bad, shouldn’t it have killed me by now? The chest pains are new, but the palpitations go way back.

Just swapped messages with Jessie. We’ve been friends since we were about 8.

Swagbucks reactivated my account. They said they deactivated it cuz I was “over-searching.” Oops! Better watch it from now on.

Later…

Tom feels it’s okay to reply to Lisa’s messages if she doesn’t live at home. I don’t know where she lives for sure, but due to her age and the fact that she’s married, I’d guess she doesn’t live at home. Lucky her! Like I said, she’ll only go through the same old drama forever if she keeps in touch with these people, but only she can decide who to associate with. She’s an adult and it’s her life. So, despite how much better off I believe she’d be, the last thing I want to do is bash her family directly at her. Her reading something negative I may have to say about them here is one thing, but I don’t feel it’s my place to tell her what she oughta do about them and just what I think of them. If she’s read this, then she already knows what I think anyway.

One of the funniest memories I have of her is living in Phoenix and how we’d talk on the phone and she thought it was just oh so cool that she had an aunt who let her swear. Like I should be practicing what I myself preach, LOL!

Not that my heart doesn’t go out to Becky and Sarah – or any other child that had abusive parents – but saying I don’t care about them is a hell of a lot easier than saying that about Lisa because I don’t know Becky and Sarah. I just know they’re too young to have pulled out of that mommy-knows-best mode.

It’s hard not replying to Lisa’s message. Maybe someday. For now, I think it’s in her best interest that I stay away. The others will only pressure her not to contact me and give her God knows how much shit.

I would think Lisa knows about my diary. The diary is my signature link that basically follows me from site to site, so she should’ve seen it on FB and MS. Besides, if they know about it, she should know about it. But just in case, I left a message for her on both my FB and MS pages.

Oh, and I got another email accusing me of thinking that I’m so much better just because I’m smarter, cuter and skinny. I want the truth told, they have demanded!

Skinny? That’s interesting. Especially since I’m not skinny, just not so fat anymore. I just wish the backs of my arms went with the front! Really, my shoulders and biceps are pumped with muscle, yet my triceps are all flab. That muscle is very hard to work and we rarely use it in our day-to-day activities.

And if they want the “truth” told why don’t they start their own diary and tell it themselves? At least their version of it anyway.

Still breezing through Portuguese and happy to say that they do plurals the same as Spanish.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 9, 2009
Wow, no new threats waiting for me when I got up at noon yesterday or today!

Yay, you killed James! This is what someone on the Book Mania was telling me in regards to We’ll Meet Again Someday.

I got a kick out of that one. Even funnier than that is that James and I are now friends on FB.

I learned long ago that when I want extra money on the spot, all I have to do is sell something. And I’m in the mood to get selling! I still want a memory foam topper for the bed, and we want this Nu-Oven cooker that has tons of amazing reviews and seems like it’d be an awesome thing to have. These things would cost about $110 at Walmart. Well, I have a few dolls I’m kinda sick of, so I was thinking of eBaying them. We’ll see.

I was surprised to find that a bikini I’d forgotten all about that had been buried deep in my closet now fits great! Haven’t worn it since I was in my late 20s. The top was slightly small, but still wearable enough, as even Tom agreed. It would’ve been a big hit at the topless bars I danced at in the early 90s with my boobies half-spilled out like they were! Can you believe I’m “sick” enough to print that? Or am I just brave?

After having to deal with a slew of annoying sales calls and wrong numbers when waiting for the flooring to sell, we turned off the ringers on both the cell and the landline. Hope we’re not missing anything important, but anyone who may call with anything important could leave us a message or email us.

Oh, and Swagbucks has turned out to be a scam. At least a partial one anyway. They deactivated my account which they say could be for several reasons, such as having more than one account per household, violating terms and conditions, etc. Except I’ve been sticking to the rules accordingly and have said so in my complaint to them, but they’ve been blowing me off so far. I think it’s just a convenient way to make money while saving it at the same time. They take some people that are about to cash in and then deactivate them. There are tons of scams and shady business practices going on these days. You know I’m not allowed to make money anyway. Somebody’s gotta be God’s designated little poor-assed bum. Ah, but He blesses me in other areas!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 7, 2009
Here is the latest round of threats, riddled with typos, poor grammar, and silly, immature, childish bullshit which I’ve received at a variety of sites over the last few days. I was tempted to use the ‘block user’ feature on some sites but then decided, nah, let them keep it up. So they send ‘em, I save ‘em. And that’s all the more evidence they’re giving me. Yeah, funny how they keep saying they don’t want to communicate with me yet the only one that keeps sending shit is THEM.

Sent to me on MySpace by Tammy:

“Jodi you have crossed a line in regards to my daughter. I have already taken steps about your so called diary that is full of slander and threats. You have continued to accuse me about sending you to jail. I never even new where you lived let alone yoour neigbors name. You live in ahouse full of dolls and rats, I live in a home full of love. I will be filing charges with my space your diary web site and have shown certain printed pages of your diary to the state police. You are a 44 year old women with nothing but the same insanity that you have had since birth. You are more insane today then ever. Now it is the truth that I will file charges and see you back in jail for harrassement threats and slander, unlike you I have the funds to fly to CA to formally file these charges. Never contact my family again, but you will hear from me through the proper police channels. I will hold you accountable for every slanderous and threatning said and done by you and your jailed friends. With all of your arrests in MA, And Arizona for harrasment, threatning, our charges are extremely easy to prove, because you ae sick enough to print it. I will pray that this Jail time is more than six months. Tammy”

Then it’s Sarah’s turn:

“Jodi, This is now Sarah. My message was not at all rude. My mom did one hell of a job raising me. I am far for being dumb, naive, or even messed up. I graduated high school with all honors, 2 scholarships and just graduated cosmetology school. So I have done so much in life. But I guess that means I turned out really bad. I love my mom to deaf. I would not be here today if it was not for my mom. I change my vulgar due to become adult and wanted to act like one. My old one was not apporiate. I’m am so grateful I ran to my mommy and showed her your message. We have saved everything from you, and will filing a police report with my Mom.”

Wow. Just wow. I’ve known my sister to be annoying, negative and bitchy in the past, always telling people how much they suck at everything they do, have, think and wear, but now she’s a genuine loon! Now she’s full of a kind of hatred and vindictiveness I didn’t know she could even possess. How has she gotten so angry that her perception of things has become this distorted? Does all this really stem from my rejecting her at the beginning of the year? Because she didn’t like what I had to say about her in this diary? Sorry, but just because I say the best color is pink while she may believe it’s purple doesn’t make it “slander.” This is what diaries are for; to express our thoughts, opinions, beliefs, hopes, dreams, pet peeves, etc. If she’s so sensitive that she can’t handle what I may have to say about her, then why read it? And where are the “threats” I supposedly wrote? I’ve had this diary since July of last year. Site moderators watch everything we do on their sites, including this one, and there’s no way I could’ve gotten away with making threats for 13 months if I had been. Our ISP would’ve been traced, the pigs would’ve been dispatched (even though nothing here is in our name), and I would’ve certainly been kicked off the site. Nothing we do online ever goes unnoticed or unmonitored. Nothing we delete is ever really “deleted” either. Detailed records are kept at virtually every site in existence. No one could threaten anyone in any email, diary, journal or social site and not be detected. And if they weren’t punished, they’d at least be banned.

And if I’m “crossing the line” by referring to Sarah as naïve as most people her age are, then fine, I’m crossing the line.

Before I go on to discuss the actual messages sent to me, I checked the laws when I first started publishing my writing. I have the right to use full names because I am not writing for profit. However, I’ve decided to go with just first names and bogus last names unless the person is a public figure. I have done NOTHING illegal online at any site I frequent. My worst cybercrime is saying some things others may not agree with like what I had to say about Michael Jackson being a pervert. That upset some people and as I reminded them, there’s a simple solution for that – don’t read my journal. Nobody is forced to read this and anyone who does chooses to do so of their own free will.

If everybody who wrote about someone they weren’t happy with or were pissed off at was doing something wrong so long as they weren’t threatening to kill them, then no one would be allowed an online journal. That’s what journals are for; to record the good times, to vent the bad, and about the people in our lives, including the ones some of us are trying to rid our lives of as well.

I guess it’s a good thing some people don’t know I also journal at a few other sites, LOL! That’d surely give them a heart attack.

“You have continued to accuse me about sending you to jail. I never even new where you lived let alone yoour neigbors name.”

If she knew how to read then she’d have seen that I never said she knowingly and intentionally got me jailed. It was her calling the cops on me for letting her supposed ex have it for supposedly abusing her and Lisa that led to me being jailed. Whenever we have police contact, they routinely run your name to see if there are any outstanding warrants. And I told her this in my letter from Oregon 4 years ago. Again, we did not know about the warrant because it couldn’t be sent directly to our house since we didn’t have mail service out there. She and or Bill could’ve gotten my address easily enough. Not sure what her not knowing our old neighbor’s name has to do with it, though, but the point is the same. She’s not responsible for our old neighbors using their cop pal to set me up for complaining to the city about their noise and vandalism. But if she didn’t have to go and defend an abusive man, no matter who actually picked up the phone and called the cops, I would never have had police contact in the first place and the warrant would have eventually expired. The only police contact I’ve had in the last decade was when a couple of cops pulled over to ask Tom and me, as we were walking to the store if we’d seen this couple that they were looking for back up in Oregon. But even then, names were never asked for. All they wanted to know was if we’d seen where they went.

“You live in ahouse full of dolls and rats, I live in a home full of love.”

Yeah, and I know her definition of “love” is being mentally, verbally and physically abused by whatever man she may be with today.

“I will be filing charges with my space your diary web site and have shown certain printed pages of your diary to the state police.”

holds a trembling hand out in front of her Ooh, I’m scared!

“You are a 44 year old women.”

laughs You mean she doesn’t even know how old her sister is? Besides, I’m a ‘woman’ and not ‘women’.

“I have the funds to fly to CA to formally file these charges.”

She can come on out any day. The weather’s beautiful!

The rest she pretended was from Sarah, bragging about graduating with honors, as you can see, and how fine a job her mom did raising her. Yeah, that’s why the state was called out a million times to that house; because she’s Mother of the Century. I’ve personally seen her smack her kids. Back when we all lived at my parents’ house in the mid-80s, she slapped Lisa right off her feet and she was barely more than a year old. Had I known then what I learned later on, I’d have had that kid taken away from her right then and there and seen to it that she didn’t have anymore.

Wow, now my “jailed friends” are threatening and slandering her, too! This is so insanely asinine that it’s almost funny. She’s talking about Mary and Rosa who not only don’t know her address but who couldn’t possibly get away with sending threats and slander from a jail or a prison of all places if they tried. If she’s talking about Bob, well, Bob died in 2005, not that he’d have sent her shit. The only other one that I know sent stuff to her was Kim and I have removed her from my life ever since learning of this nearly a decade ago. Now if Andy’s sent anything, I don’t know. Nor do I care.

Oh, and my Arizona record was expunged, BTW, partly due to the corruption the pig involved in my case was involved in. We couldn’t have lived where we lived in OR or be living here if it weren’t. All I have are petty misdemeanors from a million years ago in MA, so this grand record she seems to think I have that’d enable her to do a better job of screwing me is all in her head.

Love how Sarah loves her mom to “deaf” and is now suddenly an “adult.”

Meanwhile, I will not edit, delete or set my diary private. If you don’t like what I have to say, then don’t read it. If what I perceive to be the truth is what you perceive to be “slander,” then that’s your problem, not mine. I will write about whatever and whomever I want to write about in my own diary/journal.

Meanwhile, it is only she who wishes to keep the contact going. I’m going to ignore this nut job and her faulty-wired brood, and forever wash my hands clean of them altogether unless they’re dumb enough to give me the legit reason they say I’ve given them to sic the cops on them.

This is the true definition of “slander,” according to Yahoo’s education site. Oral communication of false statements injurious to a person’s reputation.

How can anything I’ve said or written be “injurious” to their reputations with no last names mentioned? “Tammy” and “Sarah” could be anyone.

I also browsed through to see if I could figure out what it is they perceive as “threatening” and I see nothing. Nothing at all, but some very sick and paranoid people who can’t handle rejection or what I happen to think of them. When they can get out of my life for good and stop giving me reasons to mention them, then perhaps “Tammy” and “Sarah” won’t be mentioned nearly as much.

Oh, wait! She could be referring to when I said I’d want to kick ass if I went to my parents’ funerals. LOL, actually I was referring to the asses that belong to my brother and uncle, not hers. I’ve now come to hate my sister’s guts and wish nothing but the worst for her, but I don’t care to kick her ass. She’s not worth it and neither are the others. That’s why I’ve been staying away.

She also could be referring to what I’d like to do if some of my old perps showed up here. Again, nothing wrong with that or anything else I’ve said.

As Tom said, Tammy cannot hurt me in any way and all I have to do is ignore her. Yes, I know this. And I’m trying to. But she won’t stop sending stuff. When she does she can go back to being nothing but a bad memory. And that’s all she is other than this electronic little being that likes to threaten me in cyberspace, both through and not through her demented kiddies. Oops, don’t want to “slander” them by calling them demented. After all, it couldn’t be just my opinion, could it? grins

Meanwhile, they can keep sending me stuff, for sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me.

On with real life now. We sold the flooring I won for $120! That’s $20 more than we expected to get for it, and we’re actually not doing that bad financially right now. No chest pains today either.

My Norwich journal should be posted on Blogger within a week, and I should be starting Portuguese lessons today or tomorrow.

Right now I gotta get my ass either running or riding. No one stays this small at my age without regular workouts!

Then it’s off to hang out with the wonderful hubby who treats me like a queen and with the love and respect that I deserve!

Later…

I meant it when I said I wouldn’t edit or delete the things that are on my mind, or make private my journal.

It is sad but true that some people are totally without compassion. Especially one who had a huge hand in burning me in the past and has expressed a strong desire to do it again. And to hell with how it may affect my husband who has loved, supported and accepted me as I am for 16 years.

I don’t write in this diary to hurt people’s feelings but to express my own feelings. If some folks get their feelings hurt or get pissed off along the way, I’m sorry. But I have no control over how others may react, nor can I predict how they may react. Furthermore, it is not my job to babysit people and be responsible for their feelings or what they may feel. Yet some may still insist that I should consider people’s feelings which is exactly what I’ve done up front in my introductory entry by suggesting that those who are on the more fragile side do not read this journal if they’re sensitive in any way. We all read things we don’t like from time to time. That’s just life. And we all can’t agree on everything all the time. It’s like being a singer. Well, not everyone’s gonna buy your album cuz you’re just not gonna be everyone’s cup of tea. That’s just a fact of life. I also know that for every person who doesn’t like what I may have to say, dozens are pleased with it. Would I have been on the ‘most popular’ list this long otherwise?

Like I said before, if MySpace or this site or any other site felt I had done anything wrong, I would be banned from these sites. So if you get upset because I say abortion is ok, then you kinda asked for it by reading someone else’s journal in the first place. Same for when I said that the way I would personally handle it, had I been that poor lady that got run over by a negligent cop who barely got a day’s worth of jail time, would be to either insist they make him pay like anyone else or else I’d take care of him myself. I know and fully accept that when it comes to writing, disagreeing simply goes with the territory. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to say how I myself would’ve handled this cop had I been his victim of negligence in my own journal. As a writer, I know that not everyone’s going to enjoy my stories or agree with my thoughts, beliefs and ideas.

And that is okay.

I did, however, edit down my MySpace blog because I hate their blog setups. It’s way too hard to navigate and browse old posts, so I chopped it down to just my shortened bio as I have on FB. FB and MS are sucky places to journal since that’s not really what it was created for anyway. Blogger’s the only one that’s easy to navigate, and my main reason for using it in the first place is to have a place to back stuff up in such large volumes. I can’t throw on 250 pages of text at a time here.

Hey, I know! Why don’t I do an entry in MySpace’s blog so I can then convert it quickly to Italian or whatever other language I want, then post that on MD! That’d really frustrate someone!

I’m still plotting my next story, Espressioni. It will be my first story that won’t be set in the US. I’m thinking of having a girl go over there and work in a university where she meets one of the teachers, ends up in a relationship with them, etc. That way there will have to be a lot of Italian in my story and great practice for me!

Currently, I’m 13% through Portuguese 101 with a score of 93%. It’s going fast and easy since I already know Spanish and a lot of Italian. The Portugal Portuguese only has 2 courses, but the Brazilian version has 4. Maybe I’ll do that next before I do the French, Dutch and whatever else I feel like taking.

Anyway, I’m gonna spend the rest of the evening just kicking back and doing the usual till I crash, then wake up to whatever new threats will be waiting for me in the morning.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 6, 2009
Where I could kick myself for contacting Sarah yesterday, now I could REALLY kick myself! That’s because Tammy’s starting shit with me all over again. Yeah, she sent me a message from MD in reply to my ranting about her shit saying:

“Ratgirl is a perfect name for you, you crossed the line with my daughter. Back to Jail for you. you have nothing and I have everything including the state police.”

Not that I’m scared history’s going to repeat itself and that she really is going to get me thrown in jail since I’ve done nothing wrong, but I should’ve known that contacting Sarah would open the door for this kind of drama to rekindle itself. Was the damn journal link really worth this shit coming from people I don’t give a damn about?! smacks head

So anyway, I removed her as a “friend” and knowing she’s no doubt telling our folks that I threatened Sarah, her, and probably every other person on the planet, I was going to send a letter to my folks saying, “I’m sorry to involve you in our troubles as you’ve got enough of your own problems to deal with, and while you two didn’t do anything wrong, I think it best we go back to not having any contact since for all I know she’ll get it in her crazy mind that I threatened you and will call the cops on us, and well, we certainly don’t need this in our lives.”

But then I decided not to bring it up unless they do. Meanwhile, I’m going to hope these sick, vindictive bitches will let me get on with my life in peace. Like mother like daughter, I’ll tell ya!

Got my first paycheck on its way from InboxDollars. It’s only $27, but hey, it’s money.

Still have a scattering of chest pains and palpitations, but don’t know why. Stress? Asthma? Heart trouble? Pulled muscles or cartilage? I’d have to guess it’s a pulled muscle thing, though that wouldn’t explain the palpitations. I doubt anything’s wrong with my heart, I’ve been breathing just fine since quitting smoking 12 years ago, and I’m not that stressed out right now. Not compared to two years ago when we couldn’t access our money! I’m bored at times and at the same time I keep busy but I can’t say I’m stressed.

Yay, it looks like we may have a buyer for the flooring! Thanks, God! blows kiss upward Gonna meet some chick here in town who’s coming from Sacramento tomorrow afternoon.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2009
Got a rude reply from Sarah, which goes to confirm that yes, not communicating with Tammy and her brood is indeed the right thing and I’m sorry I ever bothered in the first place. I totally should’ve known better! My first thought upon reading the reply was, wow, that’s some kid you raised, Tammy. But at the same time, one might perceive her as rude, she really wasn’t. She was only speaking her mind and what she believes to be true, after all, and so I can’t really fault her for that. I’m still surprised, though. I thought I wouldn’t get anything or that if I did it’d be a quick “Thank you.” Not the shit I got instead. Maybe she’s not all there, I don’t know. With a mother like Tammy who’s such a bitch and always so negative and hard on people, it’d be hard to grow up totally sane.

She said she believes her mother which didn’t surprise me. What 18-year-old doesn’t side with their own mother and believe every single thing they say and do? Even I would be quick to defend my own mom at that age. We’re all young, dumb and naïve at 18. It isn’t till we’re well into our 20s that we really start to see our parents for what they are and recognize that they’re human just like anyone else and humans make mistakes. So she’s got a ways to go before she’ll be able to see her flaws, shortcomings, weaknesses, and the fact that her mother really does lie, exaggerate, have a fondness for abusive men, and can be one hell of a hypochondriac, but hey, none of us are perfect. Not even me.

She kind of contradicted herself, though, when she admitted she didn’t know me and only knew the story she’d heard. Yeah, and I’m sure that’s SOME story, knowing my sister’s very active imagination and how spiteful she can be.

Well, some people really never do change. They’re simply as incapable of it as a rapist is incapable of being rehabilitated. Nonetheless, Tammy is perfectly welcome to tell her kids and anyone else who will listen that I’m an ax murderer. Nothing she can say could harm me in any way, and I’m sure she’s already called down to Florida to feed my folks a line of BS. I wouldn’t put it past her to say I threatened Sarah.

I did absolutely NOTHING to these people but told Bill what I’d like to do to him for abusing my sister and niece, so my conscience is totally clear. And if Tammy’s is clear after her actions which led me to jail for something I didn’t do, then that’s all the more reason I did the right thing in rejecting her trying to buddy back up to me. I will NEVER see these people again. Not here. Not in some other state. Not at my parents’ funerals. I’d only kick the crap out of a few people (not my nieces) and get my own ass tossed in jail. They’re not worth it. Especially since I wouldn’t be any more or less mournful about losing my parents no matter where I was at the time. I would still be grievous whether I was at their funeral or not, and I do intend to let them not only know this but that I wouldn’t trust Tammy to handle their will. Maybe they aren’t going to leave us anything, and they don’t have to if they don’t want to. It’s their money. However, I wouldn’t trust Tammy for a millisecond to let me know what they might’ve left to me if they do leave anything, much less get it to me. If they haven’t left everything to her, then they really oughta get an outside, totally independent party handling their will.

My only other mistake is bothering to say hi to Sarah in the first place, though I do admit, as cruel as it may be, that I did it more to surprise her and to provide her with access to my journal if she wasn’t already aware of it (and if she checked out my profile page where the link is located). I don’t know, there’s just something amusing about others reading my journal. I mostly journal for myself, but as I said in my introductory entry if it can help others at the same time it helps me, why not? Well, I don’t expect to “help” her, but the thought of people I know reading it is funny at the same time, though I’m not sure why. The idea of it just seems funnier than strangers reading it, and there are dozens of people I know/knew that could read it.

I doubt they’re reading my shit, though. I would think they’d be a little too sensitive for the Karma Queen’s random eVents and other ramblings.

Anyway, the kid’s obviously not very bright. Her spelling and grammar were so bad I had to read the message a few times to fully comprehend what she was trying to say. Or maybe she was just in a hurry. I see Tammy shining through the message, too. I mean, the apple may not fall far from the tree, but it wouldn’t surprise me if she ran and showed it to her, which is probably why she changed her vulgar s/n from I’M THE MOTHAFUCKIN PRINCESS, BITCHES (hey, I thought it was cute), unless it was just to make me look like I swore for no reason when in fact I was mocking her s/n, then Tammy coached her to say what she did. It just really sounds like something Tammy would say is why I think this.

She said she hoped for the best for me but also doesn’t want to communicate.

No problem, kiddo. You got it!

She also says she remembers “some of the stuff and the letters I would send them.”

What letters? The last letter I sent that she would’ve been old enough to remember, although she wouldn’t have read it herself and Tammy would’ve sprinkled it with bullshit, came from Oregon in 2005 or 2006. It was the EXACT same letter I sent my folks and was far from mean or threatening in any way. And I KNOW Tammy knew about the old neighbors that terrorized us and set me up. I discussed this in those letters.

She also hates to say it, but she “doesn’t have an aunt.”

Really? What about her father’s sister Etta? Then again, he and his whole family were pretty fucked up. I still say the guy lied about the lymphoma too, if he didn’t seriously stretch the truth. I did my homework. Lymphoma kills. Yet there’s no obit on him. Funny, ain’t it? Anyway, the only one I remember to be sane and kind in that family was Bill’s niece Lisa, and I quickly came not to regret cussing his mother out as well. Yeah, they weren’t too thrilled with me for it, LOL, though this cracks me up even to this day to remember how I called Tammy’s place one day. Bill’s mother, who was supposedly very abusive to her kids which I believe seeing what kind of angry person Bill was and probably still is, answered the phone. I thought I had the wrong number, she wasn’t very kind to me, and so I swore at her and hung up. Well, it turned out that it wasn’t the wrong number – hahahahaha!

She said she doesn’t know how I found her or even knew it was her.

That’s a joke, right? I mean, even an 18-year-old has gotta be smarter than that, right? Except for email addresses, people are pretty easy to find these days. All I had to do was type in her name and state on both MySpace and Facebook. The age was right, the state was right, and there was a resemblance to Tammy, so how could I not know it was her? Guess I wasn’t kidding when I said that while I may be the nuttiest, unique, eccentric, selfish, and conceited member of this seriously dysfunctional family, I’m also the smartest! grins

There are several sites that will tell you just about anything you might want to know about a person, short of the last time they took a shit.

Lastly, “the damage is still here and can never be fixed.”

She’s right. It IS still here and it CAN’T be fixed. Not even a million-dollar check from Tammy could “fix” me losing half a year of my freedom, my husband losing his wife for that half a year, and us both losing thousands of dollars. I won’t even bother getting into the stress, the anguish, the humiliation and the rage that no amount of therapy or pills could ever fix. Yeah, forget about cold showers, inedible food and lost sleep.

I just don’t understand why “I’m sorry” is so hard for some people. Why is it so hard for some to admit they fucked up when we’re all only human and everybody does it? Would it really have been so hard to say, “I’m sorry I defended that abuser and not you, and gave him your address, even though you threatening him on tape and on paper was uncool and illegal? I didn’t know I was leading you to discover your old, prejudiced and hateful neighbors had used their cop pal to frame you and that there was a warrant out for your arrest that would get you tossed in jail, but I’m sorry that happened,” (we didn’t know about the warrant because we didn’t have mail service at our remotely located house at the time).

Why is that so hard? Hey, I fuck up, too. Only I can admit it when I do. Here, let me show you: I’m sorry I wasted time saying hello to Sarah. I’m even sorry I bothered replying to Tammy’s initial message at the beginning of the year. These were both HUGE mistakes. Damn fuck-up I am at times!

What does bring a smile to my face and peace of mind is knowing that none of these people can ever hurt me again so long as I take my own damn advice of not allowing myself to be caught up in the family drama for the millionth time by associating with them. They have no hold on me whatsoever and Tammy – who could find out our address if she really wanted to – can send all the pigs to our door as often as she’d like, cuz I know there are no warrants out on me.

I’m saying this in print and that’s that I’ll NEVER forgive my sister, nor will I ever feel one tiny little shred of guilt over not forgiving her. I will NEVER be her sister and she will NEVER be mine. She has no sisters, only a brother. The hell she helped wreak upon my life and that of my husband’s totally overrides any good she may’ve done before I left New England.

I said I didn’t love, like or hate Tammy and that I’d gone numb and felt absolutely nothing for her, but I don’t know about that anymore. Maybe there is a little hate there. If someone landed you in jail, whether you were guilty or innocent, and whether they knew what they were doing or not, who wouldn’t be a little hateful? I have no hatred towards my nieces unless they go ahead and give me a reason to hate them, but maybe I would get a little kick out of seeing my sister fall down and break a leg. Maybe I would laugh if she did a little time herself. Maybe I would find humor in seeing her ripped off. I always said that no woman deserved to be abused by a man and that she was not responsible for his actions. But maybe she did deserve a part of it. After all, she put up with it for quite a while and then defended the bastard. It seemed like a great reason to feel sorry for herself and a great way for any sympathy junkie to get attention and then - WTF?!?! That loony tune just added me as a friend on FB. Tammy, I mean. Is she out of her mind? Or am I seeing things? shakes head and laughs hysterically Ok, I just GOTTA accept it just so I can find out what shit she’s up to now. I mean certainly she must be gearing up to pull something on me, right? That bad-ass bitch can be twice the vindictive bitch I sometimes wish I was!

Why in the world would she want to add me as a friend if she’s supposed to be so “damaged” by me? After all, I had a hell of a nerve telling her ex just what I’d like to do to him for abusing her and Lisa. That’s gotta be pretty damaging enough, right? So shouldn’t she have a little hate in her own corazon?

I’m gonna hold off on dragging my folks into this for now, but I’m NOT going to forgive her or be “sisters” again. Not even “friends.” I’m not reading any more messages either and just as soon as I find out what the hell she’s really up to, I’ll “dump” her friendship. And I’m not saying that just cuz of jail and all that shit, but cuz we’re as different as different can be. Remember, I’m over 25. That means I see people for who they are and not just for being related to me. She’s not someone I’d be friends with any more than I’m someone she’d be friends with because we’re so different. Unlike her, she likes TV, she’s not nearly as liberal, she probably hates gays and could never get that they don’t “choose” to be gay/bi anymore than straights choose to be straight, she’s mostly into different music, hobbies, etc. Just like I could outdance her any day, she could outcook me any day. I like clean and neat, she likes trashed and disorderly. What do we have in common other than sharing the same parents and a foul mouth? Oh, wait! We both have short hair now. Well, I’ll be damned! I only keep the long-haired pic on cuz it’s easier to look at than it was to wash and brush. The short-haired version of me is on Webshots.

Still, I’m the perfect little actress. She couldn’t keep a straight face if she tried. She can do some pretty complicated math in her head. I get stuck on stupid even with a calculator. She’s not into languages, writing, drawing or instruments, though I myself haven’t been in the mood for the last two in years now. I don’t even sing nearly as much as I used to.

Anyway, Tammy loves to say people suck at everything and anything. My singing has become an 8 on a scale of 1-10, but I could be a 10 and she’d still say I sucked, not that her opinion matters to me in this day and age. But that’s how she is just the same. I’d bet almost anything that she’d also say my stories sucked, my dolls sucked, my clothes sucked, my nail polish sucked – hell – my little toe sucks! That’s ok, though, I’m hard to please and impress, too.

I had to laugh when she said she was in an open relationship for a while, not that I’m against that. Remember, I don’t judge others. To me, no lifestyle is “wrong” or “sinful” that doesn’t harm anyone. I don’t care what you think, believe or feel. It’s what you may DO that I worry about. You can hate short people all you want. Just don’t even dare think of trying to ban some of my basic human rights because of it.

I still wonder if she and my nieces aren’t behind some of the prank emails I’ve gotten. Emails aren’t easy to get, but if you pay for them you could get them. That is if you couldn’t guess them. Well, if you’re reading this, bitch, no more contact ok? Just pretend I never existed and that I’m just a figment of your wild imagination. I’ll do the same with you and your brood. I’ve got enough other things to be pissed off at and worried about. Just tell yourself how much you hate my guts every single day of your life first thing in the morning as soon as you get up and go to make your coffee. You just might believe it in time. smiles You hate me. You really do. You wouldn’t even THINK of embarrassing yourself by associating with someone like me!

Man, look at the time I wasted on this shit! Over 4 pages! Shame on me. I have languages to learn, rooms to dust, dishes to wash, rats to chase, and dreams to dream.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 4, 2009
My inbox on MySpace keeps telling me I have messages, yet when I go in to retrieve them there’s nothing there. What the hell’s up with that?

And why did Sarah run and change her s/n there? Maybe cuz it was a little vulgar, LOL? I sent a quick “hello” and said that she need not reply. Especially since I’m a virtual stranger to her, and what she has heard about me is no doubt mostly BS. The idea was just to say hi.

The truth is I don’t give a shit about her, her sisters or her mother. I just thought the idea of her linking to and reading my journal was hilarious, assuming she isn’t already aware of them and that she checked out my profile page.

But why did she go from I’m the mothafuckin princess bitches to Princess Sarah? To show someone the message that she didn’t want to see her vulgar s/n? To make me look bad? After all, starting off the message like I did with “Hey, mothafuckin princess, it’s your mothafuckin aunt” might make me look strange if her s/n is suddenly Princess Sarah. Or maybe she just felt weird having her aunt, stranger or not, seeing a vulgar s/n.

She’ll mention it, I’m sure. But I backed myself up in my MD diary by mentioning that she changed her s/n, even though I didn’t spell out what either of them was. Then again, I don’t think I need to “back myself up” with these people. Just get a kick out of her learning about the journals/blogs if she doesn’t already know about them. In a way, it’s kind of hard to believe she hasn’t looked me up. Then again, why look up an aunt you barely knew? But Lisa’s looked me up, so if she found out about the journals, and I would think she did unless she looked me up before I published them, wouldn’t she mention them to not only her mother but to her sisters as well?

Oh, well. As curious as I am, these are people I’m never going to see or talk to again, and if I do talk to them, it’d only be to discuss whatever Mom and Dad may will to me after they’re gone, though I doubt Tammy would let me in on whatever it is.

Gotta give Tammy some credit, though. Despite the fact that we’re total opposites, and despite the fact that she defended the man who abused her and her daughter and not me, and ultimately led to me being thrown in jail, she did do a lot to help me out. She was pretty protective of me when they were trying to railroad me in MA, too. If you fucked with me, you were fucking with that big, bad-ass bitch, too! She should’ve kicked the crap out of the people next door in the NHA, though. I was barely 100 pounds at the time as opposed to the 123 pounds I am now. I don’t think that’s going to change anytime soon either. Too much muscle.

Ugh, I hated that dive of a project! I can still hear and feel every bump and bang even after all these years. Every shout, every footstep, every door, every fucking fart! Ah, but it sure ended up getting me the hell outa New England altogether. The West may have its flaws, but leaving the East was the best thing I ever did, even though I wish I were in Florida during the wintertime. I just may wish I was there a few days from now, too. Yeah, a cool front is to be passing through.

Oh, some folks, both gay and straight, have asked why have lesbian lead characters in my books. Because we have enough books in this world with straights!

So let me get this straight. First I stop winning, and then I’m too poor to accept what I finally do win? I was 1 of 15 winners on SOS’s wholesale site to get $25 off my next order. The catch is that I’d have to buy $150 worth of stuff by the 7th. I know it’s just a ploy to try to drum up business, so I guess it’s nothing worth getting too annoyed over. Instead, I’ll get about $5 off my next $40 order which I’ll place in a few months for doing reviews.

Here’s something I’m trying not to get my hopes up over. Some lady called about the flooring earlier, saying she couldn’t see it till Friday.

But is this one for real? Or is she just gonna blow us off like the last two callers did?

Now here’s something I’m REALLY trying not to get my hopes up over. He got a statement from the pension people, and they may offer him his money in one lump sum when he’s 55 as opposed to paying him $200 a month. The reason I’m trying not to get my hopes up is that that’d make getting a house a MILLION times easier! We could really put down a hefty deposit that way. Would anything up there ever make things that easy for us, though? Hmmm… that’s hard to imagine.

I asked Tom where he sees us one year from now. He says he sees himself with an $11 job and his program making about $150 a month.

The $11 job seems reasonable, but I say there’ll be nothing from his program.

Where does he see us in 5 years? In a home of our own in a retirement community, though he doesn’t know where.

Where do I see us? Who the hell knows, though I think we’ll remain in NorCal. It may get too cold in the winter, but it’s a more economical climate to live in since it doesn’t get as hot as the desert or as cold as Oregon. I also meant it when I said I wouldn’t risk another long-distance move again without at least 20K.

Not much else going on around here. Jesse obviously wasn’t working today since we heard him leave and return on the motorcycle. We also hear that hammering from up top the mountain every so often. It must be a big project, whatever they’re doing because they’ve been at it for months.

Been reviewing both Spanish and Italian, since it takes regularity to keep fluent. Soon I’ll enroll in Portuguese 101.

MONDAY, AUGUST 3, 2009
Found an old flame on MySpace last night. Yeah, she wasn’t much of one seeing that we only got together twice and there were some strange things about her that bugged me, but I said hello, nonetheless. That’d be to Ann Marie. We got together once right before I left S. Deerfield, then again when I got down to Norwich. She was very feminine just like I always was. Guess she’s still in Enfield. So now she too, can read my journals if she wants.

Tom ran into Jesse on the ATV yesterday who asked if everything was ok. Tom mentioned trying to sell the flooring and that as soon as he gets $100 for it (which seems unlikely) he’ll give him the remaining $100 he owes. He said not to worry about it. Ah, but the correct answer would’ve been to forget about it. He’s working, we aren’t.

Well, the weather’s cooling down which means more of Whiskey. The cooler it gets the more he goes off on whatever it is behind his house that’s been stirring him up. I just know that if I have to listen to his shit, I’d rather do it from in back than from right here in front. After all, this is a something’s-stirring-me-up kind of bark and not I’m-lonely-don’t-leave-me. I’d like to think that Jesse permanently moved the dogs in back because of the way one chewed the faucet and drained the well, but the fact that they’ve sometimes seemed to start barking in front when whatever it is in back got their attention, then faded off as they ran in back, shoots that lovely theory down the drain.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 2, 2009
It’s been cooler in the mornings so that means Whiskey’s been barking more. And what sucks is that while it’s not as loud as when he’d do his lonely bark in front here after Jesse would leave, I can’t get him to shut up anymore. This is because he’s going off on something in back of his house and so he can’t hear me yelling up at him. I totally dread the upcoming fall when they’ll all be going crazy all day!

We paid all but $100 of the rent. Tom left Jesse a message saying that he had a buyer for the flooring that backed out on him, so he’ll get the remaining $100 to him when he can. And just the fact that Jesse hasn’t called back to say he understands that times are still tough and that it’s rough being on unemployment and therefore to forget about it goes to show just how selfish he is. I was right when I told Tom that no, he wouldn’t decide he wants it just because we’re willing to sell it that cheap, even though Tom thought he would.

I think we’re going to have to either give it away or keep it. No one wants to pay for anything these days. If you’re not willing to just give to them for free, they’re not interested.

I wonder where Jesse was so early on a Saturday morning. Tom said that if he was working on a Saturday, that goes to show the economy’s picking up. Yeah, for everyone but us.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 1, 2009
This should be Mary’s last month in “captivity.” Last we knew the jury recommended Monster get the death penalty, but the judge has to agree with it, of course. And if he has any sense, he will, even if it’ll be a decade or so before his ass is fried.

If anyone’s been holding a record for unanswered prayers lately, it’s me. I’ve totally given up on that. Nothing up there cares. Nothing. This means we still haven’t sold the flooring I asked that He help us sell so we don’t have to split the rent up yet again, even though Jesse says he understands times are tough. It’s just that Jesse probably hasn’t a clue what it’s like to really struggle, and I worry he’s going to get sick of the split payments. Always having money can spoil you like that and make you less sensitive to those who are struggling. Well, he’ll just have to wait either way. We can’t pay him with money we don’t have.

All we’re getting is teased. Twice we got calls, one of which Tom agreed to drop the price all the way down to $100, but no, even that wasn’t good enough. You gotta literally give to people these days or else they’re not interested, and I don’t think it’s all due to the economy. I think people are just selfish and greedy and feel they’re entitled to whatever freebies they can get, no matter whose expense it may be at.

As for the IRS, we’ve already agreed to blow them off. Not that they won’t help themselves to any future refunds we may one day have the luxury of being owed. But as far as I’m concerned, if they can afford to give other countries millions of our dollars, then they don’t need us to pay them what we don’t have to pay them in the first place. Meanwhile, I’ve totally quit sweeping and not just because I stopped winning. I stopped because I wouldn’t want to win big even if I could if it’s just going to cost us hundreds of dollars in taxes like the 9K did. So unless it was so much money that we could pay the taxes easily enough, I don’t want to win big.

I hope Tom is right – he BETTER be right, I told him – because if anyone should know you can’t believe everything you read, it’s us. Even so, he’s 99% sure we’re going to get Medicaid in a few months. Why? Oh, because we’re one of the less deserving in life, one of God’s chosen ones to be poor, that’s why. And we’d save a lot more at the dentist on Medicaid than we would on a sliding scale fee.

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Last updated July 31, 2024