November 2004 in 2000s

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2004
Today proves I’m not going to get shit from the queen for my birthday because she sent a letter. If she were going to send money, she’d have waited a few more days and sent the money with the letter.

As usual, she went on and on about herself, her puzzles, her crocheting, etc. All she said in regard to us was that it’s been a long time since they’ve heard from us. Really? Gee, I wonder why! She also said Raymond’s in the hospital due to something about his heart and valves. Wouldn’t it be nice if he died right before she did so we could get more money? Nah, Nora would just get his share. Also, Miss Perfect is taking time off from work to play appointment with her. She said she hopes her blood has everything it needs, but of course, I’ll be hoping just the opposite. Not that I feel the least bit of sympathy for Miss Perfect, but if we felt like the queen was more of a daughter than a mother/mother-in-law in the past, imagine how she must feel! Having to take time off to play appointment – how fun. Maybe she and Dave are having the same deadly wishes I have. Yeah well, she ain’t going before she’s 86 or 87, so they better stay used to being her slave.

Tom’s someone I sometimes can’t even begin to fathom. He wants to respond to her, and I’m like, why would you even want to bother responding to someone who doesn’t give a shit about you? Then he confused me by saying we should play up our situation, not that it can be played up much more and not like it’d do a damn bit of good as far as getting any money from her. But then he said he’d be vague and give short explanations of things. At first I was adamantly against it, saying I should send her a piece of my mind and be done with her, but they say true love means not only sacrificing your wishes for your partner but accepting and supporting their ways as well, even if you don’t agree with them. So this means that I’ll support whatever he chooses to do. I just hate to see him end up so disappointed in the end, and can’t imagine why he’d want to bother. I know, however, there’s a huge difference between his mom and mine. Mine was downright abusive while his is just selfish. Anyway, I’m hoping he’ll want to email her, but if he insists I write something while he dictates, I’ll go along with it even though I think it’s a pointless waste of time. It’s his mother anyway.

The fact that it’s been nearly a week and I haven’t gotten a response to a simple little query makes me think I’m not going to. I had started to think, why wouldn’t God let me publish something since there’s no money in it after all, so why not? But then the very simple answer came to me – because I like to write, and if it’s something Jodi likes to do, it usually doesn’t go much further than being just a thought, a dream, or a hobby.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2004
Tom went to get me some incense on Saturday and to see if Jan got her incense from Incense Galore, but she was closed. I hope she’s open next Saturday on my birthday.

We renewed my Webshots membership, though we’re paying month to month instead of a year. It’s $4 a month.

It may be worth paying that a month for Yahoo’s radio extras. It’s so cool what you can do nowadays! You can customize your own radio station, skip songs you don’t like, click links for photos, lyrics and more.

It’s nice not having to vacuum so often as I did in Maricopa now that there’s no dust, dirt and weeds to be tracking inside constantly. I haven’t vacuumed for a couple of weeks now and it still doesn’t need it. I just dust and do the kitchen and bathroom, and that’s it. It goes real quick compared to that big old monster of a house we used to have, though I’d gladly take it back and throw it in the woods somewhere if I could.

We’re still researching where we may move to. Tom thinks some of the small towns closer to Salem, Eugene and Portland may be best. That way we could do rural living while being closer to a bigger city than we are right now (Medford).

I also researched Ukiah, a town I used in one of my stories. It’s a coastal town that’s not too far from Sacramento, but I doubt we’ll end up in California. The further down you go, the more welfare bums there are, though a freeloader 400’ away can be better than a white person attached to you.

It was a quiet weekend. No music from Beverly, or bass, I should say. I was pleasantly surprised.

Later…

Here’s another example of life not being fair. They’re going to pay this chick Tom works with to go to cosmetology school simply because she’s a single mother. But so are half the mothers in the world. Meanwhile, I had to pay what? About 5 grand?

Anyway, I found another gay/lesbian publishing company, though I don’t know if they do e-books or regular print. They don’t say what they pay either if they pay at all. The company I’m still waiting to hear back from says they pay 30% for e-books and 15% for hard copies. Again, it hardly seems fair. The author should get most of the money. They’re the ones who wrote the book. This is why I’m not sure if getting something published would be the big deal Tom thinks it’d be. It’s just that as usual, I’d be working to make other people money much, much more so than I would myself. Just like I said when I had to pay so much of my dancing money out to bouncers, DJs, house tips, etc., I don’t like being used. As far as what’s up there is concerned, I was put here on this earth to serve others. But who services ME?

I may or may not submit the book I’m working on to this other company when it’s done. I’m hesitant only because there’s just no money to be made in it. I’d have to sell a million copies and there’s just no demand for lesbian fiction that’d generate that many sales.

I was surprised to find that some of the gay writers are actually straight, or at least appear to be.

I’m wondering if the reason I haven’t heard back regarding College Romance is that I didn’t meet their recommended word count. Or maybe it just isn’t meant to be.

I have to struggle to talk myself into working out. It’s just that between the combination of me always weighing 127 pounds, and not having the strength to fight the hunger in order to eat less, it’s hard to motivate myself at times. Oh well. I can at least do it to keep fit.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2004
In the early morning hours before falling asleep, I was depressed and teary-eyed. I just wish I knew where we were heading in life! I feel like we’re at a major turning point in our lives yet going nowhere at the same time. All this uncertainty gets tough to deal with at times, never knowing just how many more moves there’s going to be, where there’ll be, how they’ll be, etc. Moving just 10 miles to this rural area where some of his coworkers rent houses sounds convenient, but the coast sounds even better. I miss the smell, sound and sight of the sea! If it never happens – fine, and it probably won’t, but how cool it’d be to end up living in California! As most people who know me know, I’ve always been fascinated by that state. Then I could say I lived in 5 states, as much as I’m sick of moving. However, some of the coastal towns in northern California all look too small, and well, where would he work? We like the idea of a town with only 4,000 people in it, but he needs to have jobs available to him. Unfortunately, he’s not eligible for unemployment till April, so hopefully they won’t go out of business before then, so he can start collecting while we’re relocating. Nothing’s etched in stone yet, though right now Brookings is looking like a possibility since Medford’s so big. Brookings is 5 miles above the California border. It doesn’t get over 70º, but it doesn’t get below freezing either. The humidity levels are way up there, but with it being cool, it shouldn’t be a big deal. Here, the white population is 81% while there it’s 90% (Phoenix is 55% white and Maricopa’s 75% Mexican). They also get less snow (we now have a couple of inches of accumulation here) and more rain.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2004
Of the dolls I was willing to sell, Carmencita’s no longer one of them. This is the Brazilian doll that I got from PG that came in an ill-fitting frosty white bikini with decorative accents. Well, I gave her an incredible makeover last night! If someone had shown me a picture of her in the gown I created for her with no pattern or help from anyone or anything whatsoever and told me I’d be the one to design and sew this dress, I never would’ve believed it! I made it from the green, sequined material from that shirt I got from that lady at the Maricopa swap meet for $5. The one I was going to use on the mannequin I’ll obviously never get.

Anyway, they surprised me today by letting me sleep till 5:00. Tom said it was quiet all day. Bev’s boyfriend was over at some point, then Bev left for a little while, too.

We did laundry and it was pleasantly dead. Just one other woman was in there. We did everything, and I mean literally everything. Comforters, pillows, potholders, etc.

I browsed through The Nickel while I was there and found another work-at-home ad. Tom insists they’re not all scams, and so long as you’re not trying to start a home-based business, it shouldn’t cost anything. Maybe I’ll check into it sometime, but I don’t know. It’s just that – well – if I were meant to make money and we were meant to have two incomes, why haven’t we yet?

Tom located several viruses that got into my computer that were screwing things up. Some were what’s called worms, and others were what’s known as Trojan horse viruses where people create disruptive programs that they hide inside of other programs which could be JPG files, DOC files, MP3s - anything. When you download stuff from the net is how they get in, so he installed firewall/anti-virus protection software.

Also, I could’ve killed that damn rat earlier. I couldn’t get online, and after investigating, Tom found that the little beast had chewed the wire that connects the computers to the net. Thanks to him for being a genius, he spliced and soldered the damage. Why oh why must rodents be so destructive?

Later…

Another quiet day so far. I slept till 6 PM. Tom said he thought he heard something, but by the time he took off his headphones, he couldn’t tell what it was or where it came from. She’ll do something this weekend, I’m sure. That’s the trend she seems to be on, and I’m sure the company she “rarely” has will visit, too.

I wonder why these two duplexes are laid out so differently. They may have garages between their places next door, or between most of it anyway, but they have no patios in back and their place is laid out in a long rectangle. The duplexes here form a U. During the daytime, I can look out the bedroom window that overlooks the patios and see straight through to and across Beverly’s bedroom when she has her blinds open.

My weight’s been holding at a steady 127 pounds and I’m going to just leave it at that. Losing anymore would mean practically starving myself and I don’t want to live like that.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2004
Loverboy’s here and now they’re driving me nuts with the bass, so I’ve got my stereo on to mask it. With my music on, I only hear it when I’m in the living room/kitchen. I think it’s time I ran into Beverly in the backyard. Tom thinks the hypocrite does have her music in the bedroom, cuz when he put his ear to the wall, he heard only bass and nothing more. Well, I stuck my head out the back door and didn’t hear anything coming from the bedroom. Either way, I don’t need to hear this once or twice a week for the next 5 or more months. It’s very annoying, and she did say to let her know if she bothers me, so I will when I happen to be up and about when I see/hear her going out back. She actually put her music on before Romeo’s arrival. It’s just that if I say nothing, she’ll probably assume we can’t hear it and therefore, she’ll do it more often. Tom agrees it’s annoying enough to complain now, but that we shouldn’t jump the gun. In other words, let’s let it get a little worse before we complain. Besides, we’ve probably done a few things ourselves that have gotten on her nerves, like with my running around when I’m being chased by the rat, or when we accidentally drop or slam something.

I think I see Loverboy leaving now, judging by the beam of headlights I just saw. It’s hard to tell because these windows always get so foggy. Especially after showers or when I wash dishes, and it takes it a while to dissipate.

We just put the turkey in the oven to cook for 5 hours after he gutted it.

Later…

Bev shut up after an hour. After the fact I’m like, okay, that wasn’t that bad. It’s during the bass concert that I want to hurl myself through the dividing wall and strangle her. Still, I think she’ll keep this up on a regular basis and that we’ll probably have to have a little heart-to-heart. Some people really practice what they preach!

Here I was bitching about packing and moving, but I can’t wait till the day we pack and move back to the sticks. Nobody in the city can keep their shit to themselves. Always gotta hear their music, their company, their animals, their kids, etc.

My first thought was to say nothing to her no matter how noisy she got, figuring the noise would make me all the more motivated to find a way out of here and back to the sticks come what May, but I’m motivated enough. Yes, even if it was dead quiet here throughout the rest of this current city sentence, I don’t need any inspiration or motivation to get out of here.

We don’t want to get the backup vehicle till we’re about to move since we really have no room for it here. If we had it here, we’d have to keep one vehicle parked in the driveway all the time, so it’s really best to wait till we can drive it straight out there.

Tom ran some software on my computer and found some viruses that appear to have slowed me down and interfered with my graphics lately. He also swapped channels on my music computer, because one side started going out on me. We need to find out which wire it is, and that’s the best way to diagnose it.

Tom did a good job on the turkey. Some parts came out a little tough and dry, but we’re not big on turkey anyway. The rat sure was. Just like a little dog, he was begging up a storm.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2004
I was browsing through this ad that lets you seek other women when you put in your zip code. I did Klamath Falls, Maricopa, and Springfield and was surprised at how many good-looking women are out there these days. They’re definitely not all butchy. Why am I not surprised that it didn’t become so easy to hook up with other women until after I met Tom? I love Tom and would never consider leaving him for the world. However, there’s just no lust in my life other than in my mind. Oh well. I’ve lived with it this long, so I’ll keep living with it. I don’t want to have sex with him, be it full-time or part-time, nor do I want the complications that’d go with an occasional get-together with a woman. Perhaps this is why I love writing. As a writer, you drive the scene and make the fantasy exactly as you’d have it be in real life. Or better yet, the way it could never really be in real life!

Romeo came around again today, but all was quiet. If someone as homely-looking as Beverly is can get someone to get it on with her regularly, then my husband must surely see me as one ugly dog, though he’d certainly never say so. He’d only tell me I was beautiful no matter what. Regardless of my looks, I am glad he’s not your typical male, always wanting to get it on.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2004
Got a Bob letter today. His health isn’t good at all. Other than that, he has 2 years and 11 months to go. He did a really cute rat drawing on the back of his letter.

I slept till 3:00 today with no interruptions. We decided to do laundry on Thanksgiving, figuring that it’d be dead then. Plus, we could escape any ruckus going on around here.

God, I never thought I’d be wanting to move so badly again! Not in the way I did in Phoenix, though still bad enough. I feel like a wild animal captured and forced to live in captivity. Well, I want to be turned loose to be free in the wild once again! Tom said renting a house in the sticks in May will be no problem, now that he’s getting established in Oregon and we’ll have the deposit money from this place to move in with. It’s getting a backup vehicle that’s the issue. So this is why we’re going to devote most of our spare money to getting another piece of shit so we can have two vehicles. I still think he ought to talk to Michael since we already do have another piece of shit up on Bly Mountain. I think that if he’s worked with us this far, he’ll let us leave the thing parked up there till May, even if we don’t get another piece of land from him.

Loverboy was visiting Bev again. No bass concerts, though.

Sure enough, the closer we get to Thanksgiving, the higher the temperature revisions get and the lower the chances of precipitation. Even if no one goes outside, though, the music and banging will make up for anyone chatting or perhaps screaming outside the bedroom windows.

I spoke with Paula for 10 minutes earlier but only 10 as I’ve got to save my minutes due to how broke we are. She sounds more relaxed and says I do, too. Yeah, getting out of hotels, no matter how nice the owners are, sure does help. I’ll be even more relaxed when I can get back in the wilderness, though! Like I said, I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that we’re never going to have money and that money will always be a problem for us, so let’s just get back in the sticks, then we can be broke and struggling there instead of here. The duplex is beautiful and quiet 99% of the time, but it’s not for me. I’d be happy just to take this duplex with us to the sticks, cutting off Beverly’s side, of course. Then we’d make a doorway in the living room wall that divided the two sides and add another small bedroom with a half bath off of it.

Lastly, I don’t know if it’ll do me any good, but I submitted a story query to that Artemis Press Electronic Publishing company. We read on to find that that’s what you’ve got to do first. If they like the query, then they’ll ask for the entire manuscript, which Tom thinks they’ll do simply because reading manuscripts is what they do. The more I think about it, the more I realize that it wouldn’t be much of a loss if they don’t end up publishing it because there’s simply no way I could make good money at it. I’d have to sell half a million books in order to make much money. Very few authors do that, and those that do usually have some of their books turned into movies and that’s the real payoff. If they publish my book and sell it for $5, all I get is $1.50 if anyone buys it, and again, how many people are going to want books with lesbian characters? I couldn’t even sell books on Amazon! Still, if they publish it, that’d be quite an amazing event for someone like me.

Anyway, the query involved telling them things like my name, the title of the book, what category it fits in, the description, the word count, etc. Hopefully, the low word count won’t put them off. The people running this thing are most certainly gay themselves as they sell a bunch of gay merchandise. It’s probably a small company, so I won’t expect to hear back from them soon if they do want to read the book.

Imagine what Mary would think if she could magically know that I’ll probably be submitting a manuscript! She’d no doubt be paranoid, even terrified, that she was in it.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2004
Been busy the last few days doing various tasks. For one, I’ve been signing up for tons of freebies and I’m still not done yet. I’ve also been making stills from the Charlie’s Angels DVDs since Tom installed the DVD player on my computer. DVD quality sure beats VHS!

After their damn doors woke me up two days in a row, I’m glad to say they didn’t today. I’m pushing to get back on days as fast as I can, though, as I know I’m vulnerable to wake-up calls if I don’t. Tom disconnected the doorbell, so that’ll help so long as no one goes pounding on the door, but they shouldn’t be able to tell that the doorbell’s disabled.

I’m beginning to wonder if perhaps Beverly isn’t a bit of a hypocrite. And a liar, too. Yesterday, while Romeo was visiting, we could hear the thumping of bass coming from the music she was playing in her living room. She had told me that she had her music in the bedroom and that she had company “very rarely.” It was only 20 minutes, but still, I could hear the bass even in the bedroom and it was annoying. After a while, Tom realized it was reverberating under the floors. That’s why I hate not being on solid concrete. We’d still hear it if we were, but not in the bedroom. That also explains why their doors wake me up, but the Phoenix crazies, who would deliberately go out of their way to slam their car doors as loud as they could, did not. It also explains why the NHA was so thunderous. When those animals would run around, the whole building would vibrate.

Anyway, there wasn’t a peep out of Bev today, but I wonder, is she going to do something every weekend? If she does get noisier more often, I’ll go to her just like she said I could. I wonder if these last two weekends were a test of some kind. I’ve lived in enough cities and next to enough renters to know how testy and pushy they can get.

Yeah, well, I’ll be out of here in 5 months, back to the sticks, even if we have to rent a place.

Or will I?

I’m so afraid to wish, to dream, to hope. Nothing ever goes our way, and if it does, it’s not as fast as we’d like it to. This is why I’m not sure I’m doing the right thing by sending that online gay publishing company my College Romance manuscript, but I am. It’s just that I know I’m probably setting myself up for nothing, but at least I have nothing to lose. I know God is against me doing the things I want to do and that He’s going to make sure I don’t succeed, but maybe someday I’ll learn not to even bother trying. For now, the story will be sent tomorrow.

I got a letter from Paula the other day. I’m way impressed with how often she’s been writing. I think I’ve gotten more letters from her in the short time we’ve been in Oregon, than all the time we were in Arizona! I don’t like it when she bullshits me about sending the $10 which I know she’ll never send, but oh well.

She mentioned meeting this guy, asked about us and about the motels as if she never got the letter I sent from here when we first moved in, then said she’d like more incense and CDs. The incense I can maybe send in a few months, but I’m not doing any more CDs at my expense. Too much is done at our expense as it is. She needs to send the $10 if she wants them that bad, and I told her that. I can’t keep giving to her or it will get out of hand.

Saturday was a shitty day cuz they did cash the deposit check, after all, so now it’ll be even longer before we can make an attempt at pulling ourselves up out of the mud somewhat. Every time we start to, we get kicked back down, so I don’t expect to stop struggling anytime soon. I know we’ll always struggle, but there’s struggling and then there’s struggling!

I know one thing for sure and that’s that I’m definitely done with dolls. I can’t be teased by fate with dolls if I don’t collect them, and I’ll be damned if I’ll be made to feel like a kid with these dolls I want dangling over my head, close, but never within reach. I just won’t bother collecting and then it won’t matter. Besides, we move too often to be collecting too many more dolls as it is. Also, dolls are simply too expensive. Especially the nicer ones. There are so many other things our money could go towards, like getting a small manufactured house, even if it’s going to be made by a bunch of illegals who don’t know what the fuck they’re doing.

Tom says that although things will continue to be rough, it takes a lot of stress off him to not have to worry about it anymore since they could’ve evicted us, but as I told him, it’d be awfully hard for that to happen. Something wants us here, remember?

Despite how shitty Saturday was, we wouldn’t let it stop us from getting a couple of dollars worth of incense. We were surprised Jan still hasn’t gotten the incense. I’m confused as to what she got, though. First she said she got a small tube display that contains 20 100-packs, according to their web page, but last time she said she only ordered 8 scents so she could try it first. Well, if it turns out that she still hasn’t received her order next Saturday, we’re going to be scared to order from them.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2004
The sleep curse is back on. I was wondering what took it so long. They woke me up next door going back and forth to one another’s place. Why don’t they just live together and cut costs? Although money’s obviously not an issue for them if they can both afford not to work. I’m hoping that at least one of them is simply on vacation, but I doubt it. And so much for thinking Oregon weather would curb outdoor activities.

Thanks to them I’m not going to have much energy for working out today as I had planned, nor will I tomorrow. When I finally fell back asleep, I slept till 2:30, which means that I won’t be crashing till around 6:00 - 8:00, and I have to be up at noon. By 1:00 we want to go out to get those papers notarized, then to Jan’s. By now she should’ve definitely received her incense.

Anyway, I want to wake them up in return, but as always, I’m powerless to do so because, for one, I don’t know when they sleep. They just never seem to. I see them up at 1 AM, 8 AM, noon, 4 PM, the evenings, etc. It’s like they never sleep. Secondly, there’s nothing I could use to wake them up that wouldn’t disturb Beverly, and unless Beverly drives me crazy on the holidays, I don’t wish to disturb her.

So as always, my sleep is hit or miss, though I should start sleeping with the fan on high rather than medium, and use the sound machine, too.

There have been a few times when I thought a thump woke me up, and well, I thought right. It was obviously their damn doors.

Then, I could’ve sworn someone rang the doorbell at 10:00. That’s 3 times in less than a few weeks, so if the doorbell keeps on being a regular disturbance, I’m going to have him disconnect it.

It pisses me off to be dreading the holidays all over again. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned over the last 5 years is to never assume you’ve escaped a bad thing for good. None of these people are going to go anywhere during the holidays. That much I’m sure of. But will they let me sleep? I hate it when others make their business mine and butt into my sleep!

We’re definitely on the wrong side of the duplex. The people in the house next to Beverly may have company too, but she doesn’t have people playing musical doors right outside her bedroom window, nor does she sometimes sleep all day. She doesn’t even have any doors right outside her bedroom window in the first place. Isn’t this why God had us end up on this side, though?

Due to the fact that the management people still haven’t cashed the deposit check, it makes us think they’re going to hold it until we move and then verify that we didn’t trash the place or anything, then return it to us. But what we don’t understand is why they haven’t cashed the check for $35 to do a criminal check. We’re hoping against all hope that they just forgot about it.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2004
Back online we are! I’ve been doing the things I usually do, including signing up for a bunch of freebies.

We decided to get the forms notarized this Saturday that Michael sent, in case we get another piece of land from him. We both agree that we’re quite surprised by his reaction to Tom’s letter. We thought he’d be pissed and want to sue us, but if he’s willing to credit money we’ve already paid him towards another piece of land if he could just happen to have a piece on this planet somewhere so we don’t have to drive so far out, then just maybe we’ll take it.

I got pissed at Tom for answering the door when I was in the tub. It was just church quacks passing out movie fliers, but still, that’s a very dangerous thing to do. After opening the door to the pigs as I should never have 5 years ago, I’m always paranoid about opening up to uninvited callers. Besides, what’s to say it’s not a crazed gunman out to rob and maybe kill us? No thanks. I’d rather die by poison or by hanging myself if I had to go.

I looked up gay and lesbian publishers and publishing companies and was surprised by all the hits I got. There’s this one that looks promising, though I still don’t think I’m meant to be an “author” or make us any money. Nonetheless, it has simple, easy-to-understand guidelines. No bestiality, incest, fetish sex, underage sex or things like that. They also tell you how they want the document formatted for those who want to attach their stories to an email, rather than print and send it via postal mail. I’m going to start with College Romance, but it not only needs reformatting, it needs polishing up. For one, I’d like to break it down into chapters and maybe extend it a bit. They recommend 30,000 - 200,000 words per manuscript, and this one’s barely over 21,000. So it may be a while before I submit it, plus it’ll take them 3-6 months to respond, they said.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2004
Today’s the day, or so we hope, that we’ll be back online.

I was right in assuming mom and daughter are home all the time. Besides, just knowing that that’s what I always get next to me told me that anyway. Nonetheless, I went to crack the bathroom window while showering at 1:00 when I saw the daughter enter her place. So much for privacy. So much for any privacy singing either, but oh well. I have a right to do that during the daytime, and no one’s complained yet. Of course, the daughter could be getting ready to work second shift, since I haven’t heard any evening cat calls lately, and she could’ve gone over simply to get something while her mom was at work, but I doubt it. I’m pretty sure neither of them works. Just how is it anyway that all these people can afford not to work while poor Tom has to?

Then I saw Beverly out front raking her side of the lawn. The tree in front has now lost all its leaves. Unless they get on us about it, I’m not doing shit to these yards. I don’t dig the idea of caring for someone else’s yard at all. Plus, Pam said the owner takes care of it.

I’m glad it’s quiet here, but still, a house in the sticks, even if we have to rent it, would be so, so wonderful!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2004
I’m pretty much on nights now. I won’t go to bed till around 5 AM, and I’ll sleep till 1:00 or 2:00.

Wednesday can’t get here fast enough! I can’t wait to get online. I have a whole list of online tasks I want to do, like checking my email, the doll scene, and so much more. I want to get armature prices, see if there’s a Season 3 of Charlie’s Angel’s yet on DVD, check the unemployment requirements to see if there’s anything to worry about if the people Tom works for go out of business, check to see if there are any new playboy dolls, see what’s up with Kate, renew my Webshots membership and catch up on their pictures as well as download their latest software. I was using it on the laptop and I really like it better than the old version that’s on my desktop. I want to see if the MP3 downloads are still around after so many people connected to that got sued, then I want to see what land is available, even if we can’t buy any for 5-10 years. When we do, we’re going to make damn sure it’s not in a military flight path! With all the things I thought I’d escaped forever that have come back to haunt me, sonic booms aren’t going to be one of them.

I just hope to hell they send someone competent. I’m sick of dumb cocks who don’t know what they’re doing and that makes us do their work for them. I wish more companies would hire people who know what they’re doing or at least train them better. That’s what we’re paying them to do in the first place.

Later…

Since Sunday, there haven’t been any more bumps and bangs or stereos as loud as the one I heard that practically shook the place down, though I’m still nervous about Thanksgiving. At least I know they’re not going to be blasting car stereos in their driveway or playing basketball just outside our window for 6 hours. I expect the worst I’ll get is inside banging and outside chatter. I just hope it won’t be for too many hours!

It’s cold, but not cold like Massachusetts. There are always people cruising up and down the streets on foot and on bikes. I’ve seen people riding bikes even at night!

I made a surprising discovery with Haiku. She does have a beaded armature after all. It’s just microscopic. Like as thin as electrical wire. Still, I see why setting the limbs with Durham’s rock-hard putty is a must. It makes the limbs one with the armature. For the longest time, I couldn’t figure out what was rattling in her whenever I’d move her limbs, but now I see that it’s the armature moving around inside the limbs that I’ve been hearing. I think I’ll probably redo her someday along with the Chris doll. We’ll see how it goes with putting Chris together first.

No wonder some of the 28” dolls are just $160. All they’re thrown together with is wire and batting. No putty, no thick armatures, no nothing.

I’m glad we’re out of motels and that this place is quiet and all that, but still, why can’t we just be in a house for a decade or more without anyone fucking with us to the degree the freeloaders did??? Is that really too much to ask for? I didn’t think so when you’ve got shitheads like Miss Perfect who’s had the same everything for longer than I’ve known her. Same address, same phone number, same email address, same shit attitude, same everything!

The foul odor curse is back on again. I guess if this has been happening for over a year now, it isn’t about to stop soon. This one is of a musty kind of smell. I’m not sure where it’s coming from, but it’s originating in the bedroom. Perhaps I just need to wash my pillows and comforter. It’s been months, and of course they were sitting locked up in the RV for quite a while. It’s just that we’ve been so broke that we couldn’t afford to wash anything that wasn’t necessary.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2004
So far, not a peep out of Beverly, though I’ve only been up an hour. How I miss owning something that stands independently of other people’s places!!! That is, without the animals a few feet away, of course. This still makes for somewhat stressful living even when it’s quiet because I know the potential for trouble is always there. As long as others can be this close to us, it’s there.

I hate having to be back in time dreading the holidays all over again, but I am. Especially now that we see that Oregon winters aren’t that bad. Particularly during the daytime. I’m sure God will have it be beautiful on Thanksgiving so Bev can take her company out back to get on my nerves, besides having them get on my nerves banging around inside. Oh well. At least it isn’t a holiday every day.

Here’s an odd coincidence I’ve noticed that makes me wonder if it’s really a coincidence. I’ve had neighbors who were home all the time since meeting Tom. I don’t remember the family that was next door to us in Phoenix that moved right after I got there, but the Mormons were always home, as were some of the blacks, as were all 10,000 Mexies and their millions of kids. In Maricopa, the older woman next door was always home and so were the renters in back. Now we’ve got Bev home all the time. I wonder if this means we’ll always be next to people who are always home no matter how many times we move or where.

I lost 3 pounds in the first week of my diet, so now my goal is to lose 3 more by next Monday. I doubt I can do it, so I’ll just hope to get under 125 pounds. I’m 126 now.

I can’t wait till Wednesday so I can go online!

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2004
For such a small town, there sure are an awful lot of cars with loud stereos here. I hear them thump by several times a day. Fortunately, it’s not as loud as Phoenix. Still, there are so damn many of them. You can’t even go down the street without passing by one of them or a squad car. I guess they’re bigger on stereos in Oregon than down in Arizona because Arizona started restricting those as they do with everything the first chance they get. I’m surprised they haven’t been banned yet. I guess those gay marriages are too much more important than disturbed peace and possible unheard sirens.

If Bev had kept doing whatever it was she was doing for any length of time, she’d have gotten on my nerves. She was banging around over there earlier. I guess maybe it was cleaning day. I saw her hang clothes on the line, too. My first thought was that she was gearing up to entertain guests for Thanksgiving, but it’s too soon. I still think she’ll do that and Christmas here, though, because her family must know she doesn’t like to go out.

I moved the rat from the bedroom closet to the dining area. I realized this isn’t jail. Management isn’t going to check up on us regularly or do searches. Besides, if they were going to come in for any reason, I’m sure we’d know about it ahead of time. Lastly, something like a rodent may not even require a deposit. Especially one in such a small cage.

Later…

Bev’s slamming shit around again next door. So much for the perfect neighbor, though they do say that all good things must come to an end. Tom thinks that because it’s that time of year, she’s just rearranging furniture, cleaning, making room for a Christmas tree, and things like that. Yeah, and to entertain all the guests that’ll no doubt drive me nuts. I wish we could go somewhere for the holidays. I don’t want to stay here and be forcefully invited to the party. I guess I’ll just hibernate in the bedroom with the music going. Why oh why must I always be next to home-all-the-time neighbors who never go anywhere???

It could also be that she’s packing to move since the good ones always turn around and move as soon as either they arrive or you arrive. Tom doesn’t think that’s likely at this time of year. Either way, I just hope she doesn’t become noisy on a regular basis or that’s all the more reason I’m not going to worry if I’m noisy myself. In fact, we did a little pounding of our own, even if it was nothing compared to the pounding we’ve heard from over there, putting up the last of the wall decorations.

I just heard a super loud stereo thump by. So this is it? This is the day it all changes? The neighbors get noisy and the stereos get louder?

Tom’s not happy that they’re going to have a potluck in a couple of weeks at work. Work is supposed to be for working, not socializing.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2004
Yesterday I hit 126 pounds. If I could keep losing 3 pounds a week for 7-9 weeks it would be great, though I doubt I will.

They’re going to be giving Tom a turkey at work. Turkey’s not our favorite, but we’ll still cook it up. He still worries that they’re going to go out of business. I hope not! Though maybe by then he’ll be working elsewhere. I just hope he’ll be eligible for unemployment real soon if he isn’t already. The thought of him getting fired with no backup to cushion us till he gets a new job is really scary.

At least we’re not going to have to worry about Michael filing suit against us. He left a message saying he got Tom’s letter, he’s sorry about what’s happened with Bob and that that’s the second complaint he’s gotten about him. Meanwhile, Tom never specifically mentioned “Bob” in his letter, so that worked out well. He also said he’d be mailing us a form to transfer over the deed and that we could use the money we’ve paid him so far towards credit for different land if we change our minds in the future. We sure would change it if only he had land that wasn’t so far out and that had a livable building of some kind on it, but all he has is raw land that’s way out there. We just can’t afford all the gas and propane expenses it takes to live out there. Besides, if we’re going to live far away, we need two vehicles.

Beverly had a guy over last night and today. I saw them leave in his pickup for a little while today as we were coming in, and we exchanged hellos. At least they’ve been quiet. All’s still quiet on the other side too, with just an occasional voice or a door closing.

I wonder if Bev will do Thanksgiving and Christmas at her place? I hope not. Especially if she’s already got a couple of grandkids.

Anyway, today we went to the PO to mail letters to Bob and Paula and money to our Arizona account. Then we checked out a store with liquidated prices. They had some ok stuff. Nice couches and cheap books.

We also stopped in at Jan’s who said she hasn’t gotten her incense yet, even though it was 10 days ago that she placed the order. I told her to give it 2½ weeks, but she said she was going to call them because she can’t wait that long. How desperate can she be in such a small town?

I showed her the list of favorites I made for her and she said she’d get what she could. This way I can have something when I’m between orders until I build up my oil supply. Meanwhile, I got 20 sticks from her.

Tom went into Charter Communication’s office yesterday, the local TV/internet provider. A tech will be here late afternoon on Wednesday. Can’t wait to get back online!

The weather’s definitely not like Massachusetts at this time of year. It was a little chilly walking against the wind, but other than that, it’s really not that bad out there. I was warm in the cab of the truck with my denim jacket on. I was also pleased to see that all the hateful anti-gay signs have been taken down.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2004
Once again, I can’t seem to get under 127 pounds. Oh well. I tried. Besides, the least this diet and exercise routine can do is keep me fit and from gaining any more weight.

Tom didn’t know this, but in using the card to pay for motels, we were racking ourselves up points because they were such large payments. I nearly screamed when he told us we’ve earned two nights in a hotel, but as he said, they’re fancy hotels and they have a pool. Well, I like the pool part of it, since we very well may never own a pool again. Plus, two days would certainly be better than two months. When I add up our motel time here, and the hotel time between Phoenix and Maricopa, that’s nearly 5 months! Damn, 5 months in motels/hotels, 6 months in jail, 2 years in Valleyhead, 5 months in Brattleboro – does something up there like me to get stuck in places I don’t want to be in, or what?

We also decided that we probably will move on when our lease expires in May and maybe head towards Medford. Moving’s a bitch, but it’s what we’re fated to do. Besides, his job doesn’t look promising as far as a promotion goes, and the pay in Klamath Falls overall is pretty low. That’s why the rents are so cheap. If we go to Medford, there’ll be more stores available to us, more work options available to him, plus we’ll be closer to the coast. Maybe only 50 miles closer, but closer, nonetheless. From K-Falls, it’s probably 2-3 hours to the coast. Although I feel we have much more security and stability in a duplex versus motels, I still won’t really feel secure until we’re owners again in a place no one can take from us. Nonetheless, we’re going to start looking a month before our lease is up because I don’t see how it can stay this quiet here, and there’s no sense in waiting for trouble.

Later…

Well, we’ve given away a free shed, so next is giving away a free RV. God should love us for being forced to be so generous, giving away $1,500 worth of stuff. I misunderstood him when it came to that, too. We don’t get two free nights in a fancy hotel for staying in motels, but only a few measly dollars. We would get the two free nights from donating the RV. Not the hundreds of dollars of cash we’d prefer, but oh well. At least we’d be getting something.

Anyway, Tom’s gone to put the trash out for tomorrow’s pick-up. How nice it is to know we can put trash out without a million dogs getting into it and dumping it all over the place.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2004
Tom called a junkyard about taking the RV. They’d take it, but not for money. Same with the shed. They’d take it for scrap metal, but not for money. See, something up there wants us to give, give, give, and at our expense! I swear it put us here to be a financial gain to others. If they gain a little, ok, but can’t we get something here? We’ve given enough away for nothing!

I never heard anything, but Tom said he heard next door talking as if they had company when he was in the bathroom. Well, if it was really visitors and not just a case of them exchanging words as they were going back and forth from each other’s places, they really are going to live out there 24/7 come summer. I’m hoping that mom won’t put up with a lot of music, chatter and whatever else, but maybe she does work, and maybe that’s when her giant of a daughter will entertain guests, as well as herself with not only open blinds but open windows when listening to music. I totally get the feeling that this is someone striving to be noticed. I think that because of how big she is, she’s no doubt feeling a lack of acknowledgment and all that.

Here’s the strange thing to happen to us yesterday. Michael left Tom a message saying we could use the money we’ve paid him so far for credit towards another piece of land if we want to, obviously having yet to receive Tom’s letter. Then he called back again and left another message, but thanks to the queen, it’ll be a while before he can afford more minutes. He’s only got one left, not enough time to retrieve the message. Then again, it doesn’t matter what Michael has to say. We’re done with each other. All that’s left to do is donate the damn RV to some non-profit organization or abandon it somewhere, and be out thousands just like we ended up being in Maricopa when we were forced to spend 3 months in suites and hotels while the dumb cocks took their sweet time setting things up.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2004
We finally got the place set up, neat and organized, though it’s a bit of an odd setup with no furniture other than a few tables and a couple of chairs. With us having so little stuff and the living room being so huge, it’s still mostly empty.

I wonder if either of them works next door. They’re up all night over there. I saw the big chick from her mom’s at 1 AM last night. At first I thought she was in her 20s, but I think she might be in her 30s. I couldn’t understand why she’d leave her blinds wide open at night. I almost wondered if she wanted to be seen, but seeing how huge she is, she probably figures that any potential stalker out there would find her too fat and ugly to rape. Anyway, when I was falling asleep after 3:00, the place was still lit up over there. The reason I wonder if she works is that I’ve heard her doing her catcalls during second shift hours, so that rules out her staying up late, then sleeping late and working second shift. First shift doesn’t seem likely either. Oh well. As long as they don’t get noisy.

I was surprised to find I went down a couple of pounds in just a day. I guess bouncing 20 minutes, versus bouncing 45 minutes and adding arm movements, really makes a difference, along with the cut cals and the 15 additional minutes of strength training.

Tom is still under a lot of stress. He woke up with a bad belly last night. I feel as bad for him as I do enraged at God and the queen.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2004
Tom sent Michael the letter today. He explained to me that if he filed a civil suit, we wouldn’t even have to be there, and we couldn’t go to jail either way. The worst that could happen would be that a judgment would be issued against us and his wages would be garnished, not that that wouldn’t be a nightmare. We’d be forced to leave Oregon altogether if it came to that. If it were up to me, our next move would be to a house for something like 15-20 years, then we’d live off the rest of our lives in a retirement community. However, I was never allowed to be in the driver’s seat of my life, so I’m sure we’ll be moving around every few months to a few years. It’s just that I’d really prefer it if God would not sic yet another person on us to make our lives miserable. We’d have to run with no money if he filed a suit against us. Before, we at least had a few grand. Tom, being the optimist he is, is hopeful that because Michael stated in his letter that the “contract would end and the land would be put back in their inventory for resale” this means he won’t file suit. Either way, I just wish God would give us a break!

I keep forgetting to mention that Tom learned at work why that pig was cruising around the mountain before we left it. It had to do with an escaped convict. I don’t know what he was convicted of or if they caught him, but that’s what it was about. He was out doing road work with other convicts when he bolted.

I cleaned the kitchen and bathroom today. How fast it went compared to the old house’s two baths and giant kitchen! I figured I’d do that and change the rat on Mondays. Tuesdays I’ll dust and vacuum.

As for my diet and exercise regimen, I’m going to work out 5 days a week for an hour and have 3 meals and 2 snacks. Breakfast will be something like a protein bar, lunch will be a meat sandwich of some kind, then I’ll have a Banquet TV dinner for dinner with fruits and veggies mixed in as snacks. I was 129 pounds when I got up at 12:30, so we’ll see where I’m at in a week. That still may be too much food for my shot metabolism to lose weight on. That’s not what the fitness magazine said, though. They have you do this formula to determine how many calories a day you can have to maintain your target weight, judging by your age, weight, height and activity level. Then they recommend you start having that amount and letting your weight drop to your target weight while you do, rather than drastically cutting your calories and eating more when you reach your goal weight, ultimately gaining the weight back.

What’s really cool about our street is that from certain parts of it, you can see Mount Shasta in California. Maybe that’s why they call it Shasta Way.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2004
Today’s been a productive day, though not a fun one. Sure enough, Tom comes out and says, “You’re not going to give her that card, are you?” Then he says I’m hitting on her and he has a problem with that. When I asked how giving her my number was hitting on her, he said that leaving the card anonymously was like hitting on her, the card’s not professional, we should wait till we get business cards made up, etc.

I flat-out told him, “Look, I know you’re just paranoid, but hey, you don’t want me sexually, and therefore, I have a right to do what I want.”

Of course he tried to bullshit me by saying that he did want me, but due to all the stress he’s under he can’t concentrate on that, and that’s when I finally put my foot down and told him I refuse to be his “good time” girl. If he doesn’t want me when we’re down, then don’t bother with me when we’re up. I’m nobody’s fling or part-time lover, I told him, and I already threw away the KY.

His wanting me once in a blue moon isn’t the only issue. The other issue is that my appetite is nearly as dead as his, only I told him so while he’s still making lame excuses. There are always going to be things going on. We’re always going to be busy and under more stress than normal. So if he can’t handle sex during the downtimes, which is how we are most times, then I’ll just be celibate for the rest of my life.

Then he said he had no problem with my being friends with her whether or not she was gay, but that it’d be better if I wrote my name and number down on a piece of paper.

At that point I was fed up, didn’t want to argue, so I said we’d forget the Chinese place and just head on up to the land. I didn’t say a word during the ride up. I was pissed at him for expecting me to never have sex (God forbid I ever met an attractive woman I could actually get together with) just because he doesn’t want it, and I was pissed at myself for not putting my foot down. Again, I let him have his way as I have with almost everything. Every time I promise myself I’ll stop giving in to him so much, I find that promise easier said than done. I love him. I don’t desire him sexually, but I love him. Therefore, I want him to be happy and to have his way. I still wouldn’t try for a kid if the desire suddenly came back and I knew I was as fertile as a rabbit. Why? Because he wouldn’t want that, not that he would ever squirt in me again in the first place, and I’m used to letting him have his way.

So we dismantled the shed and what few fragments of our very short life on Bly Mountain still remained. All that’s left now is a few items that are in the RV, which we hope to get sold soon enough.

He promised me that someday we’d have an ideal piece of land and we’d do it right. We’d buy it outright and make sure we saw the land first and what was around it. It sounds nice, but I’ll believe it when I see it. So far I’m still convinced that as long as it’s something we want, we can’t have it, and if we can, it can’t be for long.

Meanwhile, now we’re in for the ultimate test as to whether or not we’re meant to be in any part of Oregon any more than we were meant to be in Maricopa or on the mountain. If Michael brings a civil suit against us and wins, and he surely will win if he does, we’ll be forced to leave Oregon so that they don’t garnish his paychecks. There’s no way we’re gonna stick around to be victimized yet again.

There were scattered clumps of snow throughout the mountain. I used it to suck on when I got thirsty and to wash my hands with after they got dirtied up handling stuff in the shed.

Anyway, after a few hours of taking apart the last bits of that brief mountain life, Tom relented. He said he didn’t want to control me in any way, so we should go to the Chinese place.

On the way there, I remembered the dream I had a few weeks back where we went there, but Kate wasn’t there. Well, she wasn’t there for real. I’m not surprised. Women are so not meant to be for me. Yet I feel as relieved as I do bummed out. Sure it would’ve been nice to have a woman to spice things up with on the side when Tom was at work, but would it really have been worth it? Maybe I still would’ve felt guilty despite the fact that he and I have no sexual interest in each other, and maybe she would’ve caused problems and come between us as Teddy Bear might have.

The friendly chubby waitress with the blondish hair that worked with her the last time waited on us. I asked her about her, but she didn’t seem to know who I was talking about.

“It was Jane,” the owner came up saying a few minutes later. Jane J was her name. She worked for her for a while, went up to Crater Lake where her boyfriend was, then when that didn’t work out, she returned to Klamath Falls. She worked for her again for over two years, but she just moved again. She says she doesn’t know where she went.

I wasn’t surprised to learn she had a boyfriend at one point either. I figured she was bi and not gay because she’s more feminine than masculine.

I asked Tom afterward if he was glad she wasn’t there. He hesitated a moment, then said it didn’t matter. Ah, but I think it does. I think a part of him is glad she’s gone.

Anyway, the part where he said he’s under financial stress is no lie. I worry about him, thanks to the queen who doesn’t give a shit. How many more insults will God add to our injuries that’ll take us who knows how many weeks to recover from? If only the damn management agency would just hurry up and cash the damn checks?! That’s the main hold-up. They cashed the rent check, but they haven’t cashed the deposit check or the $35 check to check us out. It seems pretty fucked up that we have to pay them to check us out, but if they weren’t going to bother, why the check then? To make an extra $35?

I’m so, so angry at God. Yeah, we made some dumb mistakes, but He wasn’t much of a guide for us, was He? My anger towards Him burns no weaker now that we’re out of motels, and the same goes for his shit of a mother.

I also feel guilty that I can’t keep a schedule and work. If I could, we wouldn’t be in this mess.

So now that we’ve been here a week and see that it’s fairly quiet, I’m going to quit worrying about my schedule. Why not? I don’t have to be up and available to visit with Jane (what a boring name) and I’ve got nothing else going on at the moment, so I won’t worry about it. I know that makes me more vulnerable to the sleep curse, but oh well.

I wonder if we’re on the wrong side of the duplex. Mom and daughter haven’t been a problem yet, but I know they could be. Besides, the daughter’s got the place so damn lit up at night, while on Beverly’s side, there’s just the garage wall from a house that an old lady appears to live in. I’d rather a garage outside my bedroom window than someone’s kitchen and living room. I thought the kitchen and bedroom were in back, but nope. I did some spying the other night. The bright lights aren’t so much from outside lights as they are from the daughter leaving her blinds wide open. From the bathroom window, I could see her go back and forth between her kitchen and living room. I could see that she’s got the exact same kitchen cabinets, plants in her living room, and a TV on the wall closest to the street. To Shasta Way, that is. That’s not technically her address because her duplex faces whatever side street is over there. Anyway, I’ll get drapes one of these days. For now, I have box lids in the window, along with the exercise mat.

The chick over there is huge. So huge I thought she might be pregnant. God, I hope not! A screaming baby is the last thing I need to sit and listen to.

The garages don’t appear to extend all the way in back, judging by the fact that their back doors are right next to each other.

I decided that while it may be a waste of time and will only come right back, I’m going to shed this damn weight once and for all. They say excessive dieting in the past may be a factor in damaging my metabolism, but either way, I intend to eat no more than 1400 calories a day and to work out for an hour about 5 days a week. If that doesn’t drop my weight, nothing will.

I get a fitness magazine through some trial offer I signed up for that gives good tips on diet and exercise. It even said that black beans and spinach encourage hair growth! I didn’t even know that. Anyway, some of their ab exercises are pretty kick-ass. The crunches I’m used to doing don’t leave me sore, but these did. I worked muscles I didn’t even know I had!

It was in the low 50s today. I was a bit warm in the direct sunlight in my quilted sweatshirt. A guy went jogging down the street topless at one point. Now that’s something you don’t see in Massachusetts in November.

Tom’s sore throat is gone, so once again, I stopped that cold from settling in.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2004
Of the 11 states that decided to put banning gay marriage on their ballet, all states banned it, including Oregon. So now those gays that could get married for a while up in Portland can no longer do so. How frustrated and infuriated they must feel! I’m sure that one by one, each state will ban gay marriages, though Tom, after pointing out that some other countries allow it, says he doubts that’ll happen because when you get out of sync with other countries, you get problems. But we are out of sync with other countries. How many other countries have so many damn races? How many of them pay “minorities” to sit on their asses all day and night? I still can’t believe how many people hate gays in what’s almost the year 2005! They’ll never gain acceptance and equal rights. Never. If they haven’t yet, then I just don’t see how they ever will. With all the anti-hate messages going around, I still can’t believe it applies to everyone but gays (but it does) and that it’s still an issue. This is something that should never be on any ballot anywhere, any more than straight marriages should be. It should be an automatic right for people to be themselves and to marry whomever they choose. Again, why is it so important to people who other people marry? I just don’t get it. Why do Jane Doe in Michigan and John Doe in Texas care about who someone in Oregon marries? What’s scary about it is that if they’re allowed to say who can and can’t marry, the next thing you know they’ll be saying who can breathe! Once you give someone a bit of control like that, it goes to their heads. Especially if it’s given to a society that wants to shape and mold others into what they feel they ought to be. Everybody wants to own everybody else. They see others as wads of clay to be molded to their own personal satisfaction. Why don’t they just not marry those of the same sex if they’re so against it rather than tell others that they can’t do that if they want to? They practically hand the world to groups of people who are a known menace to society, all the while these harmless people who just want to be themselves, don’t get shit. It really scares me to know we still live in a world where people can butt into the personal issues of others and basically tell them how they can and can’t live. What are they going to ban next? Marriages amongst those who are of different ages? Different heights?

Anyway, we went up to the land to find that Michael sent someone out to leave us a note threatening to end the contract by December 10th. Tom believes that if he words the letter just right, he won’t take us to court, but I don’t know. We seem to get stuck in court a lot, though I’m hoping he’ll listen to me this time around and not go if we do get subpoenaed. Going to court is like stepping in the line of fire on a firing range. It only gives others a chance to screw you over. I’m hesitant to think he won’t try to get us into court because number one, something up there hates us and is never on our side. Two, we can’t seem to not end up in court every few years or so. Three, now that we’re in a place, I fear it’ll give us something else to have to deal with, not that we’re not still dealing with money issues. Money, however, is supposed to be an underlying problem throughout our lives. That’s just the way it’s destined to be. But still, we have nothing up there on our side, we’re done with motels, so why not have us move on to court next? When I told Tom I was adamantly against going if it came down to that, he said he didn’t want to give them a chance to garnish our wages. Then we get out of here, I told him. Moving is what we do best. I promised myself that after the sicko’s shit was done and over with I wouldn’t allow us to sit around and take shit from others. We should’ve run when I was let out of jail, and we shouldn’t let people here order us around either and tell us we have to do this or pay that, etc. We’re not children, for God’s sake!

Anyway, we stopped for a few 25¢ treats, then for a dollar’s worth of incense. Jan said she did order from Incense Galore and was impressed with their selection. Sure enough, she didn’t mention that I recommended her. She said she couldn’t remember my name. She said she’d get some of my favorites in, though I’m not going to buy from her regularly because she charges more than Bob and Jeff. Still, she’d be good to run to in between orders, since we’re not going to be able to afford to buy it from Bob and Jeff regularly.

I wonder if the queen and Miss Perfect think they haven’t heard from us because we’re pissed at them for not helping us when they had the means to do so a million times over, or because something’s wrong. Well, they can wonder all they want, the fucking assholes!

I’m both excited and apprehensive about the possibility of seeing “Kate” this Sunday. I just don’t want any shit from Tom. I don’t want him interfering or trying to deter me in any way. Kim, Phil and Alex’s visit taught me that the guy does have a bit of a jealous streak in him, like it or not, which makes no sense, considering the fact that he has no interest in me sexually. Actions speak so, so much louder than words, and I don’t have to be a genius to know that if he wanted me, he’d have me despite our circumstances in life. It’s ok, though, because I don’t want him either, and I can admit to it when I don’t desire someone sexually. I’m totally ready to move on sexually if this is what’s meant to happen between Kate and me. At least I think I am. Again, I can’t say for sure until and if I actually do anything with a woman. I may think I’ll be ok with it, then chicken out with guilt in the end. I shouldn’t, though, for logically speaking I have no reason to feel guilty at this point. If your mate doesn’t want you for sex, you should have every right to seek it elsewhere, though I’d never actually “seek” it. If it came to me, I might take it, but I’d never go looking for it. All I know so far is that Kate’s not half bad-looking and that she likes me. So, if she’s not a druggie or a bad person in any way, why not give it a try and see what happens as long as she knows I’d never leave Tom? I still love Tom with all my heart, regardless of the lack of lust between us and that’s not going to change. Maybe she’s the “other reason” we were meant to get trapped in the city, besides to torment me with noise or at least potential noise. I’ve always had the feeling there was some other underlying reason, so maybe she’s it.

Anyway, step one is getting my number to her with the incense being the bait. Step two, assuming she calls, is going to be setting up a time and place to meet.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2004
Well, I’ll be damned. Miss Beverly is actually not home at the moment! Of course, there’s always the possibility that she pulled her car into her garage, but I haven’t seen her do this yet, so I’d say she’s out and about somewhere.

Anyway, I can’t swear to it, but I think some quick, abrupt sound woke me at 8:30 this morning. If it wasn’t a dream, I have no idea what it could’ve been. Beverly? Blondie? The gate flapping in the wind even though there’s no wind today? Next door’s door? I’m trying to stay on days for as long as I can to be less vulnerable to the sleep curse, but 8:30 in the morning isn’t exactly late. Guess I better try to get up even earlier, nonetheless.

I have mixed emotions about when the weather warms up. I want it to warm up so I can be more comfortable and wear summer clothes, which I prefer over winter clothes. I want to be able to open windows and let the fresh air in. But will the warmer weather bring trouble?

This place is too dark. Nice, but definitely lacking sunlight. I only like it dark for sleeping. When I’m awake I like bright light. It’s easier to see in, of course, and it saves money since I don’t need to turn on the lights. The place gets a lot of shade between the trees, extended patio roof, etc. It would be ideal for Arizona.

Arizona.

I wonder if we’ll ever live there again. Normally I’d be quick to say “no,” but past experience has taught me not to say that. If someone had asked me before June of ’92 if I’d ever get to live in Arizona, I’d have said “no,” and if someone had asked me after that if I’d ever leave Arizona, I’d have said “no,” so I think I’ll stick with saying “probably not.”

I totally regret dumping my headphones in Arizona. I thought one side went bad, but it’s definitely something within the computer’s sound card that’s causing one side to wig out.

Later…

As expected, Beverly wasn’t out for long. She’s doing more laundry today. I’m not going out to chat with her cuz I just don’t care or want to know my neighbors. I just wanted to settle my initial curiosity was all. Meanwhile, and like I told her, I’m friendly, but not sociable.

I did hear her washer spinning, but very faintly and only when I was in the utility area. I guess these walls are somewhat thick.

I took my 36” vinyl Chris doll apart, and sure enough, she’d be a cinch to put back together with a beaded armature. The only catch is that the damn things are expensive. It’s a big factor in why those kinds of dolls are more costly as opposed to those armatured with the electrical wire crap that was in her. Anyway, someday, if there’s ever money again, I’ll get a beaded armature and put her together right, and maybe I’ll do the same with Haiku. For now, Haiku will stay assembled as she is and Chris will be an array of body parts and batting stuffed in the closet.

Later…

Ah, got a golden oldie across the street too, from what I just saw. Well, maybe not that old. She was perhaps in her 50s or 60s. She came out to get her mail with a big black dog and a little white dog in tow. I was glad to see her take them back inside with her once she was done.

Well, here’s something that’s encouraging. Tom’s been fighting a sore throat for a few days now. Last night I put a spell on him, and while it didn’t get better, it didn’t get worse. So each night before he crashes, I’ll do a spell.

Also, he got two crossword scratch tickets. I held them both in front of me and got a vibe that the one on the right would win, and it did. It only won $2, but it gives me hope that my powers will return little by little. I only know we’re not destined to win big on a scratch ticket because of the money curse we’re under. It would defeat the purpose to curse someone with money, then let them win a big ticket. It just doesn’t work that way. It wants us to suffer financially, so we’re not going to win big just yet. Our only hope might be in a casino if we can ever get to one and if I can use my abilities there.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2004
Baby Bush is president for another 4 years. Democrats. Republicans. They’re all the same to me – power-hungry assholes.

Yesterday I never heard from mom and daughter, but I saw the neighbor next door. I never got a good look at her face to judge her age or whether or not she has harsh or soft features, but she’s no old, feeble thing. Her movements were rather robust, suggesting she may be a bit high-strung. She’s tall, wide and blond. I don’t know if it’s a dye job or not, but what is someone her age doing at home all the time? As quiet as she is, I still wish she’d go somewhere during the daytime so I could feel even more alone at that time, but you know the always-home people have to go next to me. Today all I heard indoors was the vacuum running for a few minutes, plus a utility door cabinet. Nothing that would’ve woken me even if the bedroom were by her wall.

I first heard her when I got up and weighed myself just after 9:00. The scale’s in the utility area by the back door which is by her back door. I could hear her sweeping her patio. I wonder why she’d bother since all the leaves are going to do is blow right back. I hope she isn’t gearing up to entertain guests out back with that grill she’s got.

Anyway, I heard her cough a few times and make these weird sounds that were sort of a cross between a sigh and a moan. I don’t know if she was trying to clear her throat or what.

From my bedroom, which runs along the side of the patio, I heard her go back inside as I was sipping my coffee. Then a little while later I saw her come back out and hang up clothes on the clothesline, and I was like, in this cold? Although it is supposed to warm up a bit. Even I must admit that it’s been a rather mild winter so far compared to New England. Anyway, I’m surprised I never heard her washer.

Later…

Well, I just met the neighbor, Beverly. I was curious, so I went out to do something I’ve been wanting to do anyway and that was to knock down all the yucky webs that were stuck up in the patio rafters, knowing she’d come out to get more of the clothes I noticed she started bringing in.

I called out “hello” as she came out. She said “hi” back and went to fetch some more clothes. On the way back she commented about how busy I must be setting up house. I agreed, then we shook hands and introduced ourselves to each other.

Up close I’d say she’s closer to average height. Her face doesn’t look mean or soft. Her face is just a face. Plain looking. She does appear to be in her late 40s and says she’s home all the time. As if I didn’t know just by seeing her car always parked out front. After all, I figured that Pam’s saying “she stays home a lot” really meant, “she stays home all the time.”

She says she rarely has company. Just a few friends over for an occasional barbecue, plus her newly married son who has two kids from his wife’s previous marriage, plus one in the oven. I almost slipped and said, “Aw, too bad he’s not your average anti-child man.”

According to her, if I’ve got the story straight, the last people that lived here were here for 6 months. She said they just about drove her crazy and was so happy when they finally left. It was a couple with 4 kids. Two teenagers and two babies. She would work while he would stay home all day drinking and blasting music. Meanwhile, the kids were screaming up a storm constantly. They left the driveway full of trash on their way out and there were dirty diapers everywhere. The reason they put new carpet in here, she said, was because they left soiled diapers all over it.

She said she herself has been here a year and a half, and before the last people that were in here, there was someone here for 5 years that said the carpet made them ill so they tore it out and replaced it. This was when I told her of the attack I had on the first night.

She too, likes the duplexes with the garages in the middle, though she said she couldn’t hear us at all when I asked if we were quiet enough for her. I told her I sing, but always have headphones on when I do and that the stereo’s in the bedroom. She said she keeps her music in her bedroom too, and that all we may hear is her TV because she has hearing issues. I told her I was partially deaf myself. She said to let her know if she was a bother to us in any way or if we needed anything, but I assured her she was very quiet.

I had brought out the wind chimes and asked if the loudest one would bother her. She said she didn’t think so and I told her to let me know if it did and that I’d gladly take it down. That’d be a reasonable compromise. We’re not going to rent forever, and when we do own, we’re not going to be so close to others like this unless we’re in a retirement community, so I can live without that chime if I have to. The others are prettier anyway. She pointed out how she has wind chimes too, and again I almost slipped and said, “Yeah, but yours are wimps compared to some of mine.”

The only other thing I told her was that we lived in Arizona and I was originally from Massachusetts.

I asked her if the clothesline was her own personal line or a shared line, and she said it was a shared line.

She also pointed out the cherry trees and said that if only the birds didn’t get to the cherries first so she could bake cherry pies with them. Now that’d be way better than apple pies.

She said that when the owner stopped paying the last people’s water bill, they stopped watering the yard, so she does it herself from time to time.

She mentioned that we get deer for visitors, and I told her I was aware of that. It really amazes me to have seen 3 of them after being here for less than a week, yet during the 3 months we were up on the mountain, we never saw one. Just tracks.

Also, the back gate in the corner by the outer side of her place won’t latch properly either, so I said I’d ask Tom to look at it.

Anyway, she said she likes living alone and being by herself, and I told her that we pretty much keep to ourselves too, and that during the daytime while he’s working I just hang out with my computer. I almost added the rat but caught myself in time.

The only thing she said that I didn’t like was that an older teenager lives with either the mother or the daughter and he and a couple of his buddies sometimes throw knives at a board they’ve got set up against the back wall. She said it freaked her out the first time she heard it. Oh well. At least it’s easier to get out of rentals than to get out of something you own, though I hope it stays quiet. It’d be just our shit luck to have a quiet 6 months, then just as we renew the lease, in comes trouble.

I thought that other backyards met up with ours, but nope. There’s an alley back there. I saw a utility truck of some kind cruising back there.

Later…

So much for having any privacy. I went to crack the bathroom window when showering to let out some steam, and there was the daughter cooking away in her kitchen just a few feet away in her wide-open window. I heard her out doing her little cat call earlier.

I miss shower doors big time. These damn shower curtains just blow all around!

Anyway, the bad news is that Tom’s got another cold setting in. I’ve lost confidence in myself as a psychic since arriving in this state, but I tried to put a spell on him anyway. Now all we can do is hope for the best. After all, I warded off a cold that had started to set in me the last time we were at the Arab’s place.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2004
How nice it was to know that upon waking up today after 7 weeks and a few days of motels, plus all the moves I’ve made in the last 20 years, we didn’t have to move today! And we’re not going to have to move tomorrow or the next day either!

How nice it is not to have to dodge unwanted service, too.

Anyway, I can’t believe I forgot to mention the asthma attack. It happened our first night here. I noticed I was suddenly tighter than usual. Like Arizona tight. Then I started wheezing! I couldn’t believe it. I haven’t wheezed since I quit smoking. With growing alarm, I got tighter and wheezier by the minute. If I’d had my inhaler here, I’d have taken it, that’s how bad it got. It was quite an attack. I wrote it off to all the work I’d done, but Tom insisted it was the chemicals in the new carpet. I guess that explains it cuz I’ve been working hard ever since, yet I’ve been fine since that night. I hope I don’t ever have an all-out attack like that again! It got a little scary there for a while, struggling to breathe like that. I’d gasp for air and try to cough up the gunk that was lodged in my lungs. It was no fun at all. I remembered to close my lips and blow as if I were blowing up a balloon and that helped. I also made myself yawn as much as I could and that also helped.

There is a crawl space here for sure. I can tell by the way the floor sounded hollow, plus I saw a vent out back. I’m surprised the floors don’t creak for as old as this place is.

There’s a gate that attaches from the edge of our garage to a small fence that connects to the edge of mom and daughter’s place. When I heard it slam shut earlier, I thought, ah, someone’s home there all the time too, huh? But then I realized it was flapping in the rather intense winds we’re having today. I went out to try to latch it, but the latch is broken. The gate’s not even flush with the fence either.

With all the tables and chairs they’ve got back there, I worry they may get a little backyard-happy in the warmer weather, but we’ll see.

I missed having a normal tub with a shower in it. The garden tub in the last house was simply too big, taking too long to fill, and used too much water. I also hated not having a shower to rinse it with.

I still can’t believe how big this bedroom is. Despite all I’ve got set up in it, there’s still plenty of open floor space. I like having everything in one room too, like my two computers, my bed, my exercise ball, etc. I don’t like how we have to use boxes for doll props and old weathered tables, but it sure beats motels. I used to say big bedrooms were a waste if all you’re going to do is sleep in them, but in our situation, it’s perfect.

I really put my computers in the right spot; 5 feet from the electric wall heater. It sure feels good to have that warmth blowing on me.

Another pro is that the tap water is drinkable. I only use the water dispenser for hot water, and what’s cool is that we can just fill the jugs up right here in the tub!

No icky odors yet either.

There’s a dog across the street, but so far I’ve only heard it a few times and it doesn’t go on and on for hours like in Arizona.

Anyway, looking back on the last 5 months; I’m still mad at God for allowing us to fall down so low, and I’m still pissed at his mother for being so damn selfish and compassionless, but it all sure makes for some pretty interesting journaling, memories and story-telling, that’s for sure. I think Paula would get a kick out of the confusion that went with finding out that Tina had a “twin.”

If I could know how long we’d be here and where we’d move next, would I want to know? Yeah, I think I would. Just natural curiosity, I guess you could say.

Now I can begin something I haven’t worked on since we left Bly Mountain – my stories! I think I’ll tackle No Escape before I get to Traces of Hope.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2004
The Duplex (with Beverly)

I finally have a chance to update. Since moving in last Saturday, I’ve been quite busy. I hope I remember all the details I wanted to mention. Moving in and setting up has been fun yet hectic. Not something I want to do for another decade, and as long as it remains quiet here, I just might not want to move, even if we suddenly had money. I’m sick of moving! Tom thinks we’ll be in a position to decide in just 3-4 years whether or not we want to try rural living again or wait till we can get into a retirement community. First of all, I doubt it’ll be just 3-4 years before we could own anything anywhere. Secondly, from what I’ve seen around here, this seems to be a rather geriatric neighborhood, so I say why not stay put until trouble arises? As long as everyone stays put and doesn’t go getting dogs, it should stay peaceful. I haven’t even heard a peep from next door other than one cabinet door closing, which was obviously in her utility area. I was also right in assuming she’s a retiree of some kind. Her car hasn’t budged since we got here. So the always-home neighbor hasn’t changed yet, but so far the noise curse has been stunted, thank God. I actually feel more like I’m in a house here than I did in Phoenix, even though we’re closer to people here than we were there. That’s what happens when you’re not living so close to a pack of animals, I guess. The only thing I hear is the constant whiz of traffic, sprinkled with an occasional blasting stereo. Nothing as loud as Phoenix yet, though. Especially with me in the bedroom most of the time which is in back, rather than in front. Directly in front of it is the bathroom, then the garage. Shasta Way is definitely a well-traveled road. You’d be lucky to count to 30 without something going by.

The last few nights at the motel were peaceful. On Saturday, we checked out and made a couple of trips to storage. We have one more to make to clean it out entirely. Also, 1-2 more trips to clean out the RV and shed. We made one trip already, and again, I was astonished to find both plants alive and well. I guess the cab of the RV made like a little greenhouse for them. This place doesn’t get much direct sunlight, so I may get a plant light. I also may not be able to resist the $25 palm tree I saw at Home Depot. Of course, God knows if we’ll ever have a measly $25 to spare, but they sure were nice. They were pretty big. Bigger than the one I had in Maricopa.

We had a little scare on the way up to the land. The truck stalled at an intersection and Tom yelled for me to jump out. At first I thought he was frantic about it because something was on fire. Nonetheless, I jumped out and helped him push the damn thing to the side when a couple of guys were kind enough to jump out of their semi and help us. Tom then manually opened the choke, which caused us to stall, and we were fine.

I’ve heard from the mom and daughter duo next to the bedroom more than next door. They go back and forth by way of their back doors which face the bedroom, so I can hear occasional voices, cats meowing and doors closing. It’s absolutely nothing compared to Phoenix, though, and I’d much rather the voices over the barking and the banging if I’ve got to hear anything at all. The worst thing is how brightly lit up they keep it back there at night. Drapes are a must when and if there’s ever money for that.

It’s hard to believe this bedroom is bigger than the one in our Maricopa house which was twice the size of this place, but it is. I love the long closet and 4 huge drawers underneath it, but at my height, it sure makes reaching the rod hard. Sometimes I have to step up into the closet to hang clothes up. This is where the rat is, too. He doesn’t mind. Besides, this way he’s easier to hide. If the owner were to stop by for any reason, it’s unlikely they’d go in the bedroom. I just slide the door shut at night so I don’t hear his movements. He likes it in the dark anyway, so it works out well.

It’s also hard to believe that this kitchen is bigger than the kitchen in the Phoenix house. It’s actually not bad at all. There’s no garbage disposal or dishwasher, but I don’t mind catching leftovers in the little basket and washing dishes myself. They come out cleaner that way. It’s a good size sink too, and it’s white porcelain rather than stainless steel which I’d prefer because stainless steel loses its shine so fast. It also has a hose.

The overall space in here is wonderful. There are still tons of space left in cabinets and closets. Tom really found us not only the ideal place to live but the ideal neighborhood, too. As I’ve always said, it all depends on who’s around you. Right now we’ve got good, civilized people.

The only thing I don’t like is that the bathroom has no exhaust fan, but we can just shower with the door open. We picked up a pink shower liner for a buck at the dollar store, plus a few other household things. Anyway, the shower and toilet work great. The shower has good pressure and the toilet’s not sluggish. You had to hold the handle down a few seconds to get it to flush because the chain was too long, but he fixed that. He also blew a fuse and needed to get another one, but they’re so cheap, so it was no big deal.

I sang today, so if anyone heard it, I don’t care as long as they stay off my ass.

On Halloween, we cut the lights in front and hung out in the bedroom setting things up. No one rang the bell or knocked, though visitor number one came yesterday. When I called out, “Who is it?” they ignored me. Knowing it could’ve been the owner, I opened up. It was in regard to the campaign bullshit they got going on. I just said I was busy. I should’ve known that silence on the caller’s part meant sales, religious or campaign calls.

I’m really surprised we haven’t met the lady next door yet, though Tom caught a glimpse of Mom next door. She appears to be in her mid-50s, he said.

I slept fine last night and the first night, but he woke me up the second night by accident. Plus, that was the night I slept with the sound machine and not the fan. I didn’t have the bedroom door shut all the way, so when he went to open the bathroom door, air suction slammed it, waking me up for a few minutes.

I got quite a surprise yesterday upon glimpsing out back through the kitchen window. There were 3 deer that had come down from the mountain grazing in mom and daughter’s yard! There’s a break in the stockade fence that runs along the entire back there and that’s how they got in and out.

The thing that sucks the most about the place is that except for packages, we can’t get/send mail right from our door. We have to walk a short way down to a community mailbox, but each resident has their own key and the post office changes the locks whenever someone moves. We went to request new keys from the PO yesterday, and the mailman dropped them off here today at noon.

Later…

Tom came home so I stopped to chat with him and show him the things I set up today. It’s amazing how much stuff I’d forgotten about till I pulled it out of the boxes they were in. I was like, has it really been that long since we’ve had a normal life?

We took a walk down to the mailbox. It even has a box for packages that’ll fit in it. If it won’t, I guess they either bring it to your door or make you go to the PO to get it. The sucky thing is that I don’t think you can mail outgoing mail from this thing.

We saw a dead garden snake by the side of the road as we were headed to it.

I was surprised to learn from Tom that next door’s car was gone when he left for work this morning. I wonder where she’d have gone so early in the morning.

How wonderful it is to have Tom in the other room watching TV on his computer with headphones! Yes, two rooms are a must. This way I can do my own thing without the distractions.

I heard both mom and daughter calling out for “Mandy.” Obviously one of the cats got out.

A couple of other flaws about this place are that the blinds in the living room windows have gaps between them, and the two skinnier windows that border the bigger one in the center, don’t even reach the windowsill. This is another area we’re going to drape, or at least curtain off.

Also, the refrigerator sucks. It’s old and is the type you have to defrost yourself.

Supposedly we’ll have extra money in 6 weeks. We decided that instead of me taking $100 each month, he’ll just let me know how much extra there is each paycheck and we’ll decide what to do from there. I don’t know if I want to continue collecting dolls because I’m sick of wanting them. All I do is want them! Wanting and not being able to have gets really old so I don’t know if I’ll bother. I think I’d rather just get things like incense and clothes; things you use.

I weighed in two days ago at 128, so I’m back on the diet trip again and exercising for close to an hour a day.

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Last updated July 16, 2024