July 2004 in 2000s

FRIDAY, JULY 30, 2004
Well, today’s the day. There was something evil connected to why I couldn’t lose weight over the last few years, and the dream people, whoever they are, were right with their message about it being connected to the evil that haunted our old land. I’m just glad no evil lurks here!

Anyway, I weighed in at 126 pounds when I got up today! Actually, the scale first said 125, and I thought to myself, I must still be half asleep. That can’t be right. So I stepped on it a few more times and it read 126 so I’m taking it at that.

I feel more than ever that it really was the evil interfering because after losing weight as many times as I have in my life, I knew I didn’t just suddenly forget how to lose weight. This also rules out something being wrong like diabetes or a thyroid problem because that wouldn’t just go away and magically fix itself.

What’s weird is that I haven’t been dieting that hard. Only on days, I don’t go out.

I changed my mind about the guinea pig. I just figured I had enough responsibilities, they shed like hell, and it’d be one more thing to have to make room for. Space is rather precious to us now.

It cooled down to the point that it didn’t hit 80º till 12:30 and even now, coming up on 2:30, it’s only 82º. It’s clouding up a bit out there. We’ll be in for rain soon enough.

According to what I read, hunting season in Oregon begins mid-August, so we’ll see how noisy it is compared to Maricopa. Despite all the trees, I don’t expect it to be peaceful. Especially from inside a shed or a single-paned RV.

I was thinking I might check out the used bookstores in Klamath Falls when I need more books and trade my old books in for credit, since doing book lots doesn’t seem very profitable. If they were romance they would be, but I like mysteries. I know the library would be free, but I don’t like the time frames they have.

Speaking of books, we stopped by unit one’s well to see if we could find a number to call about buying into it, and well, there wasn’t a number, but there was a bookcase full of romance paperbacks. How I wish romance was my favorite thing to read! They’re everywhere. Of course, the characters are straight, too.

Later…

I moved the rats into the RV, believe it or not since it shouldn’t be too many more weeks before I’m in the shed. I figured that just because I don’t always sleep so well in here, why put them out?

I barely have room to sit on the floor in here and no bouncing room at all, so I’ll be doing my aerobic bounce in the screen room. I just can’t bounce to music if the weather isn’t nice enough to put the laptop by an open window, but it’s only temporary, so I don’t mind.

Tom’s back to thinking it’d be a lot cheaper to buy the parts for the sheds rather than the kits, although it’ll be more building time.

THURSDAY, JULY 29, 2004
Another hot and dry one out there, but not as hot as yesterday. We left the windows open overnight to cool it down more so it wouldn’t get up to 88º like it did yesterday. It’s currently 84º in here so it could peak at 86º.

The last time it rained, the front skylight leaked again, but I said – fuck it! Let it leak. I ain’t playing Leak and Bucket anymore!

When he gets home in a couple of hours, we’re going to go to Beatty to see if we can do our laundry there and stay in their motel once a week, if it’s cheap and if I can hear myself think. I’m not going to pay $40 to listen to a series of slams and bangs.

Not surprisingly, I haven’t fallen under 127 pounds, but surprisingly, I’ve been down at it for nearly two weeks now. But WHY can’t I get under 127??? What is it about my body that makes the scale hit 127, then say, “Nope! I’m not going to drop one more pound.” There’s got to be something keeping the weight on as I doubt whatever haunted the Maricopa land followed us here if there was ever a connection in the first place as to why I suddenly lost my ability to lose weight. That was a territorial kind of spirit. Either way, I know I’ll always be big yet it does have its pros. No one gawks at a chubby 38-year-old in public.

It’s 10 days before my period, so that means I’ll be on the rag for two weeks, even if I’ll only be spotting for the next 10 days. I’m so sick of this shit! Why can’t I just bleed when I’m scheduled to?

Later…

I’m also sick of having to move 20 things just to get to one thing. We’re living like total welfare bums here! I thought about the shed and realized that with barely more than a bed and a porta-pisser in it, it’ll be just like being in a jail cell all over again, but that’s ok because I’ll be able to come and go as I please, I won’t have any crazy, rude, begging, loud cellies, and I can go shopping!

Speaking of shopping, I decided, and Tom agreed, to get a guinea pig soon! I realized that now was an ideal time because it’d be in a place where its screams couldn’t wake me up and its odors wouldn’t be bothersome. They don’t stink nearly as bad as mice, but they do give off this musty odor that’s not too pleasant. I’m going to hope I can put it in with the rats, but we think they’ll try to attack it, so it’ll probably get tanked. They don’t need much room anyway and they can’t jump and climb like rats can. We’ll probably get it not this Saturday, but next Saturday.

We went to Beatty, and no, they don’t do laundry. Meanwhile, we ate at their café and agreed it wasn’t that great. Oh well. You investigate to learn these things. I definitely don’t want to stay in their motel either. I’m sure it’d be quite maddening.

Meanwhile, we discussed the possibility of renting a house during the snowiest parts of the winter if it does get that bad up here, and while variety sounds nice, as well as taking a few months off from the long drives and going where we could send/receive mail, I don’t know if I want to live that close to people. They may not be such animals here what with the climate and all, but if there was a house relatively close to us, God would use that as an opportunity to put the noisiest people next to us that’d be outside a lot no matter how cold it got. I learned that if you give a cursed area any ammo, it will strike!

Anyway, we’re not going to begin any work on the house till next spring in March or April. For now, we’ll just concentrate on the permits, septic and sheds. Michael better get that damn land deed to us and not make it our responsibility to get it to us. That’s what we’re paying him to do, though we know he has to go through the county, and if the county fucks up or takes their sweet time, it wouldn’t be his fault.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 28, 2004
Tom’s first day of work was okay. He said the people are chatty, but mostly amongst themselves and not with him. Good, I told him. Silence is golden. It really is. The quickest way for people to start shit with you is when you talk. Even the most innocent statement can be turned upside down, inside out, and totally thrown in your face. Of course, sometimes you have to talk, but I wouldn’t want to unless it was absolutely necessary. The benefits don’t kick in for 90 days so I’m going to hope my teeth can make it that long.

Of course, his family’s been too selfish to care and too wrapped up in their own little world, as usual, to bother to take the time to either call or email us to see how we’ve been.

To my surprise, I’ve been holding steady at 127 pounds for over a week now. I won’t say that dream saying I could lose weight once we moved was right, but was it really wrong? Was the evil that haunted the place connected to me retaining weight? I haven’t held down at 127 this long for over two years. I could do it for a day, but that’s about it. Also, there were a few days I had 1500-2000 calories too, yet I still held it down.

It got up to 88º in here today, and although that was hotter than I’d like, it was Arizona-dry so it wasn’t too bad. Tomorrow’s to be the same, then it’s to rain over the weekend, then to drop drastically with highs of only around 80º.

TUESDAY, JULY 27, 2004
Today was hotter than yesterday, though not as bad as Sunday because it was pretty dry.

We spent nearly $500 today, but it was on things we needed like new tires for the truck, a huge battery, an inverter, and a long, heavy metal pole with a pointy end for ramming through these rocks. As soon as we ever get the land deed, we can finish digging the test holes.

Anyway, now I can run the small portable EC when Tom’s at work without having to start the generator.

We decided on Friday for our laundry and grocery day. At least until we get a washer. That means he’ll have to come back and get me, go back to Klamath Falls, then back again when we’re done. That is unless we end up doing it in Beatty or he does it himself after work. We did one small load of laundry today and a quick grocery run. They have these awesome clear, flavored sodas with 0 calories, carbs, caffeine, sugars or sodium. The white grape is delicious. I also got kiwi-strawberry and strawberry-banana.

Now’s when I’m going to really eat like a bird. The less I eat, the more money will be left over to go towards the grand we want to get saved up. Until we do, I get $10 a week to play with, plus half the grocery savings. Once we get the grand, we’ll get $100 each a month, though he’ll no doubt put his towards the house, plus we’ll split the grocery savings.

For now, since there won’t be much money to play with, I’ll save up for less expensive things. For one, I may order retail from now on when I get incense since even 50 20-packs would simply be too much. It’d lose its freshness and potency long before I could burn it all. So, for $36.75, rather than $50 or more, I’ll get 25 of my 50 favorites, then the other 25 the next time I order, and rotate back and forth. It keeps the scents special when I don’t smell them every day anyway.

Another thing about going retail is that I’ll qualify for their monthly drawings if they’re still having them, though I doubt I’d win. Besides, if I did, it’d probably be something I wouldn’t want like a 19” burner or a smoking bottle.

There are also things like perfume at Walmart, this $50 redheaded Tyler doll I like, a $25 Barbie in a gorgeous magenta gown, etc. No $100 - $300 dolls till we get the grand saved and I have more money to play with.

Tom thinks we can each have $300 a month of play money once we’re in the house. Wow, not even I could spend that much that fast! Especially since by then, I should be caught up on most of the dolls I’ve been wanting which will mean I’ll be getting pretty much only new ones as they appear by that time.

I got two tampon samples in the mail, totaling 8 tampons. That’ll do a whole period!

MONDAY, JULY 26, 2004
Today’s been a stark contrast to yesterday – much more comfortable and with great news! He got called and informed that he was hired for a job that he’s to start the day after tomorrow!!! But not at the T-shirt place like he thought he’d be hired at. It’s at that MCX that makes computer cables. It’ll be from 7:30 AM-3:30 PM at $7.35 an hour. What a load of stress this takes off us! We may even do hotels at times when it’s really hot and so we can have real bathrooms, even though they’re noisy as hell. I would’ve preferred for him to get a second shift job, but just to have a permanent, full-time job with benefits is good enough for us, and we know for sure that this place does have benefits. I just hope it doesn’t take months for them to kick in so I don’t have to wait too long to get my teeth filled. If it comes down to it, we’ll just pay full price for it if it gets that bad.

To celebrate, we went cruising around at various stores, and even to Klamath Lake. Man are there lots of little white flies in that area! And the water’s yucky too, though it was still cool to see it. I miss the beach! I really do. But at two hours to the California coast, we’ll get there soon enough.

We went to Pizza Hut, and I also got a side of ribs by the Bonanza junction a few hours later. That’s okay, though, as I’ll be dieting a lot harder than I have been now that he’s got a job. Why? Because the less we take from the food budget, the faster we get that grand saved up, and the faster we get our allowance money! He’ll put all of his towards the house, no doubt, but me? I gotta have some fun and start getting some of these damn dolls I’ve been wanting for ages!

Anyway, he went for a drug screening today, but fortunately for him, he was spared the humiliation of having someone gawk at him while he peed.

We checked out this way cool, comfortable purple office chair in Staples today that I’ll definitely want for the house, plus printers at Walmart. It does look like it’ll be a better deal to get their cheapest printer every time my ink runs out, rather than new cartridges.

We looked at both indoor and outdoor plants at Home Depot. They have a better selection than I thought they would.

Amazingly, no one has small, cheap window ACs. They’re all selling like crazy due to the heat, though today wasn’t nearly as hot as we thought it’d be. That’s because right after my last entry, we were happily surprised by a hailstorm that cooled things down really fast. Plus, I left the windows open really late.

We also stopped at Rite-Aid so I could see if they had any figurines worth painting, but they were dull. Instead, I got a new metallic pink hairbrush and a 4-pack of small cologne bottles. I got peach, Hawaiian ginger, cool showers and tropical dream.

We also picked up some rat food, chemicals for the holding tank, bug spray and bug bombs. We’ll bomb tomorrow before we leave. Tomorrow, we’re going to Klamath Falls again, and even to Beatty to check out their motel and laundry. This isn’t a chain of any kind. It’s owned by a person and there are only about 4 rooms there in this little strip.

SUNDAY, JULY 25, 2004
Although there’s still a lot of good to this little excursion, it’s hot, uncomfortable days like this that get me pissed off at the folks, bro, sis and God. God hates me and there’s no denying it. Never once have they been put out in the ways that I have. Never once were they forced to live with low-life welfare bums. Never once have they struggled financially, etc. They got to stay in places they were happy in for years without the constant uprooting I’ve been forced to endure on account of various circumstances. I’m just as much the black sheep of the family now as I was as a kid. They’re all living in luxury while I’m suffering in this hot, still, humid heat that’s going to see no end in sight anytime soon. Life’s been handed to them on a silver platter and I’m like why, why, why? Why was I doomed for such a lack of stability and insecurity? Why did I have to have such lousy neighbors so much of the time? Why was I forbidden to experience true lust? It’s like I spend my time groping and grasping at nothing, and when I do manage to grasp whatever it is I grasped, it slips away from me in no time. It’s like, fuck this shit! It’s a never-ending cycle of bullshit!

It’s going to be in the high 80s all week, which means it’ll be in the low 90s in here if we don’t think of something quick. Especially if he gets a job by some miracle. If he doesn’t, then I can go into town with him while he hopelessly fills out applications. It’s his age that’s hindering him, I think. The world was meant for the young, skinny and rich, and in some cases, the Mexicans and blacks.

There are storm clouds everywhere now. The problem is, it doesn’t usually rain till after dark, so all it does is up the humidity. We slept with windows open last night for the first time to try to make it cold in here to prevent it from getting too hot, but it never cooled down last night!

It’s so, so obvious that something up there has it in for us and wants to see us put out and made to be very uncomfortable. So much for the better life I so foolishly hoped to have here!

SATURDAY, JULY 24, 2004
Today was definitely the hottest day since we’ve been here. When we returned at 3:00, it was 91º in here and dead calm. There was no breeze to relieve us at all, and the humidity was so Massachusetts-like. It clouded up big time and we hoped it would storm, but it’s like we were being teased because it didn’t storm till after dark when it started cooling down anyway. I think it pretty much rains at night for the most part during the summers here.

I’m leaving the ceiling vents open later tonight to try to get it cooler in here to prevent it from getting as hot tomorrow. I had said I hoped it would get hotter to make the nights more comfortable, but I don’t know about that one because we can heat, but we can’t cool.

We’re going to quit going in and out after dark as we’ve been getting spiders and moths in here. Better yet, we’re going to bomb this dump.

Will this be the week he gets a full-time, permanent job? God, I hope so! It’s like God, just give us a fucking break already!

Tom says I look skinnier, but as I tell him, it’s all psychological because the scale still says 127.

Anyway, we were out at yard sales. I was surprised to find something at all 3 of the ones we stopped at. For $10, I got a coat for the winter and colorful socks with toe inserts sort of like a glove. At another, I got a short-sleeve palm tree print lounger/pool cover-up for $3. At the one by the storage place, I got an adorable pair of dolls for $10. They’re a boy and girl set, believe it or not, that is oh-so-cute. They have their eyes closed and their lips set in a kiss. You set them up kissing, sitting on a swing with flowers. I wasn’t impressed with the swing, though, so I cut them off of it. They wear matching outfits with the boy in pants, obviously, and the girl in a dress. A little dark and old-fashioned, but cute nonetheless. They’re both strawberry blondes with the boy in short hair and the girl in long tube curls. I’d say they’re about 10” from head to toe. I was just going to refer to them as swing kids in my doll chart, but since I cut the swing out, I thought James and Jamie sounded good. They go well together. I’d never have believed it if I knew I’d one day have a boy doll! For cheapies, they really are cute.

We don’t think we’ll be able to haul a big shed up here in the truck because its pieces are too big, so we may end up getting two smaller ones that are 8x8.

When we got back, Tom drove the post into the ground for the satellite and got that set up a few feet from the RV. It’s going to be nice having a permanent setup once again and not having to have the damn thing attached to the RV. He brought the satellite PC into the trailer and ran a wire through the wall out to the dish.

I decorated this dark drab RV with about 20 Barbies. They really make for cute, colorful decorations. Most of them are hanging by an arm from cabinet handles.

So, there are apparently two different kinds of firs and two different kinds of pines around here. We have one of each.

It seems to be the opposite of Maricopa here. Rather than being windy during the daytime and calm at night, it’s pretty still around here till sundown, though when it’s windy here, it’s not nearly as windy as it was in Maricopa. Sometimes we hear pinecones and needles falling onto the roof.

FRIDAY, JULY 23, 2004
Due to the ferocious heat, we spent the day out. When we returned at 7:30, it was still 87º in here. I’m sure it hit 90º or higher at around 3 or 4 PM. Right before noon, which was when we left, it was already 85º.

Last night there was a spider in here that wasn’t very big, but not very small either. I hope it was a fluke, seeing how we’ve only seen one other spider in here the whole time we’ve been here.

Anyway, we went to Pizza Hut first, which might’ve been a mistake. Although I couldn’t eat as much as I usually do, I feel like it put 3 pounds on me!

We stopped at the library to check their phonebook for any doll shops but found none.

Since it was right next door, I stopped in at the place where I got the wind chimes to see if the colorful spiral was there. Next weekend, she said.

I did laundry while he filled out another application in case the T-shirt place doesn’t call him. Since they probably don’t have benefits, they just might call. If not, I hope somebody, somewhere will give him a full-time, permanent job that won’t kill him! We’re tired of waiting for things that just don’t seem to be happening! We’ve been here over a month yet he still doesn’t have a full-time, permanent job, still no permits, no shed, etc.

We at least looked at sheds at Home Depot and there’s a chance we may get a kit. He took a few brochures that were in potential sheds to study. Of course the biggest, nicest one had to be nearly 2 grand! They come primed, so when we paint the house, we can paint the shed to match. I was thinking of a peach color, since all Tom and I have ever lived in so far are blue houses.

We also looked at floor and carpet samples for the house, light fixtures, tubs, sinks, countertops, doors, etc. It’s nice to know I get to pick these things out myself at some point! What we did get was a pressure-treated post for mounting the satellite on that bugs won’t devour, a clothesline, and tarps to put outside the RV windows to try to keep it from getting to be a sauna in here.

Nothing exciting in the mail except for a Tum’s sample for Tom and a coupon for a free sample of flavored water which is actually quite good. I got kiwi-strawberry.

We checked out another dollar store, but it was pretty similar to the other one.

Our last stop was at the storage place where I got most of my Barbies. I kind of missed them. I left the more expensive ones in fancy gowns, so all but maybe 10 of them came back to make the cute (yet safe since they’re vinyl) decorations they make.

Tomorrow, assuming it’s still going to be too hot to hang around here, we’re going to check out some yard sales.

THURSDAY, JULY 22, 2004
Yes, whatever’s cursing my sleep is going to have me wake up for no reason when it runs out of things to use to get me up, and that’s just what happened this morning. As always, it was after 4 hours of sleep. I had to take a Benadryl to get back to sleep, which I did until the heat woke me up at 11 AM, shortly before he came back from his interview.

They say they’ll let him know by Tuesday. In other words, he didn’t get the job. He said he would’ve liked to work there, despite the lousy hours and lack of benefits because it was a small family-owned business he thinks he could work his way up in. The more appealing the job sounded to him, the more I doubt he’ll get it because once again, not many people get the jobs they really want. You just gotta take what you can get.

So anyway, I woke up a bit irritated due to the broken-up sleep and the fact that he never shuts up on the road unless he’s tired himself. On the road, I just like to veg out in my own little world and stare at the scenery, but as usual, he likes to be different, so he chats away.

Realizing that there’s no way a lunch consisting of pork fried rice and egg foo young could be over 1000 calories, I decided to go to the Chinese place once every week or two. It was good, though I got full fast because my stomach has shrunk due to the calorie cut.

We also stopped at the mail place.

We went to a dollar store that was just so-so. I got a new pair of scissors since ours are so blunt, and a caramel-apple candle. As hot as it’s been I’m not going to light it till after dark.

We also went to a gift shop by Pizza Hut and the library where I took a dump (I like it when we can stink up someone else’s bathroom and keep the shit from filling up our tank faster). At the gift shop, I got 4 wind chimes for just $19. Her prices were wonderful. I got a tiny one in the RV and the rest outside. Tom drilled hooks into the screen room’s metal support bars and I have a total of 5 hanging in there. I’d like to get a couple more sometime, plus this colorful thing that spins in the wind and reflects lots of colors.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 21, 2004
Today was the start of a few-day heatwave. For the first time since we got here, I was glad for the wider high-low temperature swings. It didn’t drop to 83º in here till 8 PM. Between 12:30 and 5:30 was so uncomfortable that all I could do was lay around in my underwear doing nothing but reading. To make matters worse, there was hardly any breeze present.

Three days of dieting and where am I? Same old, same old, of course, at the 127 pounds I’ll never get under. At least I’m saving money. Still, I looked at the scale as it read 127 and was like, why? Why can’t I lose just one more pound? Just one more! I sure am curious as to what’s holding the weight on.

Tom got a call for an interview tomorrow morning at a place that makes T-shirts which he says he has a positive feeling about. Well, I hope he’s now psychic because I seem to have lost my ability since we came here as if that was the price I had to pay to survive and escape the sick assholes that legally screwed me in order to get to Oregon.

In other good news, he got a winning lotto ticket for $10.

For the millionth time, I just want him to get a full-time job that doesn’t run him ragged, that’s permanent, and that has benefits so we can get the show on the road!!! He thinks we can have the shed up by late August if he gets this job, even though it too, is minimum wage. Oh, how I look forward to sleeping on something solid and having more room!

TUESDAY, JULY 20, 2004
Tom won’t be back for 8 hours or so. I just hope the job doesn’t kill him!

Alone with a team of me, myself and I, I expect I’ll be bored at times with nothing to do other than reading, writing and listening to music, but it’s better than feeling like I have no time or space to myself.

It’s hard to believe that in late ’00 to early ’01, to be alone in a room was just a dream. Now I’m the only soul around for a good one-mile radius!

Some of the vehicles down in the valley on the highway between units 4 and 1 are so loud that I think someone’s driving down the road, only to realize they’re not. Other than distant traffic, all I hear is the wind and the wind chimes with an occasional squeak from a chipmunk. They sound similar to prairie dogs but aren’t as loud or as constant with their squeaking.

I thought up a clever name for this place – Junipine. Just like Desert Winds Ranch was an appropriate name for our Maricopa place, I thought that with this place being full of pines and junipers, Junipine Estate was appropriate.

MONDAY, JULY 19, 2004
I awoke at 11:00 at 84º. I got up, opened the windows and brought it down to 81º. Tom had long gone to work after waking me up twice with his movements, along with strange dreams. Then the rain came and knocked the temperature just under 80º, so I closed up. Amazingly, not one drop of water leaked in here. It rained like it does in Massachusetts in the summer. It drizzled on and off for a while at first, then it came down harder. There was no thunder or lightning.

They say it’s to be in the 90s for the rest of the week. That’ll make the afternoons rather toasty, but the nights will be pleasant. I won’t have to sleep in anything and we’ll save propane by not needing heat.

Not surprisingly, the better job didn’t call him. See? It isn’t only me. 90% of the population doesn’t get their “ideal” job or realize their dreams, even if I may be one of the few to end up glad they didn’t.

Instead, he came home beat and stiff from a shitty job. He says the job is so incredibly physical that it’ll surely kill him if he stays there for more than a few weeks. No wonder it’s a temp job, as he says. No one can last long at it!

So, tears of worry flowed for a few minutes from me, but not for long. I’m too angry to be melancholy for long. Angry that all we do is struggle our asses off year after year. Angry that we work so hard for so little and sometimes for nothing at all. Angry at the cock responsible for putting us in this predicament, though I do not wish to return to Maricopa. Angry that we keep getting kicked down when we do build ourselves back up. Angry that old curses just won’t die! What will happen when we have a house no one can take from us? Will God see to it that a forest fire destroys it and takes it from us that way? Or will he take me from it by having me set up again by some vindictive shit with certain connections? What will happen when there’s no more ammunition to use to wake me up after 4 hours of sleep every week or two? Will I wake up just because, for no apparent reason, unable to fall back asleep?

Anyway, Tom eased my doubts and concerns by assuring me that the jobs are out there, reminding me that it’s barely been 3 weeks since he started looking. Besides, he got yet another call. This one’s from the Ross clothing store that they plan to open in a few weeks. They’re screening applicants on Tuesdays till they open.

He explained how he could work the rest of the month, then take 7 weeks to find another job if need be, and still support us without touching the $2,500 that’s left of his mom’s money. That’s all well and good, and yes it’s some comfort to know this, but I’ll still feel better once he gets a full-time permanent job he can handle with benefits and with people who don’t use and abuse him!

A chipmunk was climbing the inside walls of the screen room earlier. It was cute. I just hope they don’t tear it up. Especially before the rats get moved in here. See, once the shed’s up, we plan to move them and the plants in here, mount the satellite on a pole, then turn this bed back into a table and put our monitors there.

He was too beat to check for mail today (I’ll admit I’m curious as to what Mary will have to say in her next letter if I get one), but if he doesn’t check tomorrow, he’ll at least grab some groceries. I barely had 1000 calories today, the start of the 30-day, money-saving, prove-Tom-wrong diet. I awoke at 127 pounds, just what I’ll be waking up at 30 days from now. Oh well. I may not be able to lose weight, but I sure as hell can maintain it!

SUNDAY, JULY 18, 2004
Today’s been cloudy with bouts of drizzle. I figured as much when I awoke after a much-needed 12 hours of sleep that I was only roused from twice, each for a minute, to find it only 74º in here. It’s in the low 80s now, but a bit uncomfortable as it’s muggy.

SATURDAY, JULY 17, 2004
And the sleep curse lives on! I just thought it’d be a few days yet before it got me again since it seems that my 4-hour wake-up calls are set at 7- 10-day intervals. Just when I thought to myself that there was no more ammunition for it to use to get me out of bed in the middle of my sleep, short of the RV being on fire, it got me yet again by springing a leak in my bed. I checked yet I found nothing that could’ve punctured it. It’s like it magically occurred. Tom tried to locate the leak, but couldn’t find anything other than a possibly questionably loose valve where you unscrew the cap to deflate the thing. Still, the breakage/leakage curse lives on and it’s really frustrating. It really is! When, oh when can I ever go more than a week without being woken up by circumstances that prevent me from going back to sleep right away?! As it is, I got him waking me up when he leaves in the early mornings, and sometimes before as well, when he gets fidgety. Damn this fucking sleep curse to hell! I don’t know who/what put it on me or why, but damn the mother-fucking thing to hell! Maybe I should beat it at its own damn game and deprive myself of sleep by setting alarms to go off an hour or two before I’d normally get up. It couldn’t take what I didn’t have, and if I didn’t have sleep, there wouldn’t be any to take!

So anyway, the question was: did I want to jump up and fill the damn bed with air 2-3 times during the night? (it took 3 hours to deflate). Did I want to get my foam pad out of storage and sleep on that? Or did I want to spend $15 every 2-3 weeks for a new bed?

I decided to just get a new bed. This one was a couple of dollars more, but it’s a name brand that claims it’s guaranteed not to leak. It has a one-year warranty, too.

I ended up sleeping from 1 AM - 5 AM, then I dozed on and off from 8:30 - 11 AM. At 8:30 I had blown up the bed with tons of air and bottomed out at 11:00. By then it was too hot to sleep anyway. Nonetheless, if I could go more than 10 days without being woken up for more than a minute (though even that gets old), I’d be thrilled.

It’s days like this that make me leery of getting more dolls. Like I said, I don’t want to be getting dolls that are either going to end up broken, stolen, or simply taken.

Anyway, we stopped at storage for water, grabbed the mail and mailed off Bob’s letter along with Michael’s land payment and land deed paperwork fee.

We checked out a pet store, and yes, they have fancy rats here, too!

My little Blondie, as we’ve been calling him, is one weird rat! He has some strange habits. For one, he loves to rub his back up against things like cats do.

We changed their cage today and I took out the wire roof I had turned into their floor to keep them from making such a mess because they’re outside now where it wouldn’t matter if they kicked some of their bedding out.

Tom said the chipmunks can be weird too, getting within an inch of him, then running as soon as he starts talking and beating their heads in the ground.

We went to the Chinese place today. I won’t be back there for a while. Monday, I begin a 1000-calorie-or-less-per-day diet to not only save money but to show Tom I really can’t lose weight. As I told him, I’d really surprise them big time if I were in a concentration camp. Assuming I wasn’t buried alive or tossed in an oven, I’d shock my captors by holding my weight despite how much they starved me.

We grabbed a few days’ worth of food, then hit Walmart for the bed. Klamath Falls really is small compared to Phoenix and even Casa Grande, as I saw a chick there who works at the DQ, plus a few people who left the Chinese place just moments before we did.

Tom took a sledgehammer and drove a couple of posts into the back corners for when we string the perimeters.

It’s been so much warmer that the heat never came on last night and I could sleep nude like I prefer to do. It only got down to 69º and I have the thermostat set at 65º.

FRIDAY, JULY 16, 2004
Tom went for the interview today at the cable-making place. There were about 6 others who were also interviewed. They had to do a silly math test, he said, and at one point, they showed one of the people how to do a particular problem they couldn’t do. As Tom said, what kind of a test is that if you’re going to show someone how to do something? They say they’ll let him know by Monday, but I’m beginning to have my doubts as to whether or not he’ll get the job just because it’s a much better job than the bookcase place, and most people don’t get the jobs they prefer. We’ll see, though.

Got a Bob letter today. All he had to say was that he’s been sick and would like me to send pictures of the land and house. He said he’s seen dome houses and that they’re nice. Just as soon as I get a printer I’ll send pictures. I wrote him a long letter back earlier, offering to send both stories and pictures as soon as I can, assuming he wants the stories. He probably will want them, and as I told him, the only reason I quit sending any after the third story or so was because I hadn’t heard from him. It’ll be nice to share my stories with him too, and I know he’ll appreciate having more to do, even if it only fills a fraction of his time.

A few hours after Tom got back, we went to that place in Olene so I could try their rib dinner. It was good, but a bit pricey.

Later…

I used up the last of the yellow pad the librarian gave me that someone had left at the library, so now I’m back to using my sparkly notebook when I have to write by hand.

Tom suggested I not worry about what I think will sell (not that I could ever sell a book anyway) and just write what I want, which he says real writers do. Yeah, I should. After all, wasn’t it me who bitched for so many years about too much of my life and actions having to revolve around others on account of their hold on me or their precious little feelings?

That rib dinner stuffed me so full that I haven’t had anything else. It was way good, save for the other patrons. There was a party of 6 and they were all adults, but very loud adults.

I decided on an allowance plan. The first thing we’re going to do is save up that grand we want to save up. Once that’s done, I’m going to put my monthly $100 towards porcelain dolls and any grocery savings towards other things like Barbie lots, incense, etc. Just like I’m putting off the mannequin till we get in the house, I’m going to put off the larger dolls till then too, or at least until we get close to moving in. They’d only hog up space in storage and be more stuff to have to haul back and forth. I think I’ll start with the bride, ballerina and Indians I like that Ashton has. I not only worry about hauling and hogging up space, but we’re not very secure yet. I don’t want to be getting expensive dolls that could be stolen almost as easily as if I handed the things right to a thief.

The question then will be which ones to get first! I guess I should go for the smaller ones that have been available the longest. As it is, some of them that have been on my list are gone.

They have these new Indian ornaments similar in size and price to my ballerina ones. They’re cool. It’s a subscription plan where you get 3 sets of 3. I’ll cancel after the first set like I did with the ballerinas as 3 is enough.

They also have a new gorgeous 27” Indian doll with a braid over 21” long for $200. Not bad, considering most 24” undressed, custom-made dolls are usually between $225-$250. She’s got a nice face and outfit, so I added her to my list.

For security purposes, Tom backed up all my doc files onto his hard drive, and when we’re both out, he’ll throw his PC in the truck. This gives me better peace of mind because although it’s unlikely, someone could easily steal all my docs (including Mary’s), plus my pictures and MP3s.

I was shocked to hear sirens earlier! They were going down the highway not too far from here. They were barely audible, but you could tell what it was.

The days are getting hotter. It almost hit 90º in here. It saves us money on propane because the heat doesn’t come on till well after midnight. It’s waking me up earlier, though. Instead of sleeping closer to noon, I’m sleeping closer to 10:00 because by then it’s in the 80s in here. I wish I could always be on a schedule. However, I know that as soon as I’m in a place with a more stable temperature, I’ll return to an erratic schedule.

THURSDAY, JULY 15, 2004
I heard Tom leave at 8:30 this morning. The fact that it’s now just after 4:00 and he still hasn’t returned tells me that something either very bad or very good came up. If it were bad, it’d more than likely be connected to the truck. Most of our crises seem to be wells or vehicles, and fortunately, we have no well now. But if it were the truck, I can’t imagine what would delay him this long. I would think he’d either get out and fix it or walk to a place for any part he may need, then back to the truck to fix it.

That leaves a job offer that came up. I hope! I really, really do! That’d be neat for him to get a job on our one-month anniversary here in Oregon, and on Linda’s birthday (my favorite singer who’s about Kate’s age).

I’m hoping that they not only interviewed him but that they hired and started him, too! Oh, how I hope that’s the case! I just can’t imagine truck trouble or errands taking all day. Of course, the worst thing that could’ve happened was that he was in an accident and is laid up in the hospital with no way to reach me. This thought makes me sick, but if this were the case, I’d surely think I’d have bad vibes. He’d have to be gone till the sun starts setting for me to really start worrying.

Someone left a text message on his phone at 10:00, but I don’t know how to retrieve it. I assumed it was a sales call anyway.

I’m anxious for his return to find out just what the case is. Plus, we’re out of water! I felt a #2 coming on and went outside to do it behind a stand of trees, but every time I’d squat down, a bee would harass me! It all worked out ok, though, for the bee drove my urge to shit away. Now let’s hope it stays away till he returns!

Anyway, I was pretty productive around here today, rearranging this and that. I even pulled the rats toward the center of the screen room so their cover sheet won’t get drenched the next time it rains.

I got a really good look at the rat today when I threw out some bread. It seems rather pregnant.

As long as you don’t spend much time in direct sunlight, it’s gorgeous. Oregon definitely has the best summers – not too hot, not too humid. Also, the stars on moonless nights are fabulous! More vivid than they were down in Maricopa. The trees aren’t as green as in New England as those trees mostly have leaves that fall off in the fall, whereas these pines, firs and spruces don’t do that and consist of a darker green. Some of the underbrush will lose its leaves, but that’s about it.

I’m glad for the tall grasses and hilly terrain or else it may not be as secluded as I’d like. This is because the lower parts of the trees aren’t very full. Some trees have no branches until you get 20’ up their trunks.

Later…

Yes, Tom was working today! And yes, it was him that left the text message. He worked at a place that boxes bookcases that you buy at places like Walmart and assemble yourself. Its only drawback is that it’s not a year-round thing and it’s only temporary. Instead, he has an interview scheduled for 9 AM tomorrow morning (you bet I’ll be spelling the night away) at a production company that makes computer cables. He feels it’d be a good place to work. His only obstacle may be that he’s overqualified.

We just hope he gets something permanent, full-time and with benefits real soon! He thinks tomorrow’s quite promising. I think so, too. I sure as hell hope so anyway! I think they’ll be impressed when they see what a nice, mellow guy he is. They just better not use him, but he’s learned his lesson as far as being too nice for too long is concerned. Besides, we don’t have a mortgage, so he could tell any nasty bosses to shove it up their asses and go elsewhere for work if he had to.

I had to take that dump before he got in, so I used drinking water to fill the toilet with. It’s ok, though, as it’s only like 50¢ a gallon. When he was at the storage place he was asking this guy there if it was ok to get water there, and the guy said, “Oh, yeah, go ahead. Help yourself. I can relate. The pump on my well went out.”

We can relate even more!

WEDNESDAY, JULY 14, 2004
My comforter turned out to be so damn damp that we had to hang it out to dry. We hung it over the satellite.

A white pickup cruised back and forth today. That’s the third vehicle that we know of to pass by, though there certainly could’ve been others with quiet motors to pass by when we weren’t looking or that passed by while we were out.

Anyway, the worrying over getting the check is out of the way, so now we’ve got to get over the next hurdle which is finding him a job. God, I hope he gets something this week!

Later…

Tom went to the class and found that they recommended he do his résumé a lot differently than he had in mind. I hope this helps! I decided that once I run out of food – no more till he gets a job. The good thing about not being able to lose weight (I gained back 2 of the 3 pounds I lost) is that I could go months without eating and still hold my weight. Most people would end up emaciated. Me, as long as I have plenty of water and vitamins, it won’t affect my health or my weight. I thought of one day going to a doctor to see if they could tell me exactly why I can’t lose weight, be it diabetes, thyroid problems, etc., but I’m pretty sure they’d just tell me that if my body holds its weight, then obviously it feels comfortable at that weight and to just let it be. Still, I can stop eating for the sake of saving money all I want. So there is some good to not being able to lose weight. Besides, I’m not that big. I know I’m no beauty queen, but I’m no ugly duckling either. In fact, I’m skinnier than most women my age.

Anyway, I guess one of the things Tom needs to do is kiss a little ass. They said that companies like to be praised, and I was like, but how can you praise a company you never worked for and can’t know anything about? Apparently, though, if you tell them you heard about them online and that they seem just wonderful, it’ll help.

I know he’ll have a 1st shift job and that in compensation for the lack of house payment, it’ll be a minimum wage job, but the question is when???

The night before last, I could actually hear a dog barking from inside the trailer, though it was very faint. Still, we haven’t seen one loose dog on this land, nor have we heard any music, let alone voices. I love it! There’s also no worry about it being so trashy around here like it was down in Maricopa. We’d have to get someone living in the clearing in front that was a slob to have trash blowing onto our land. I’m sure that’ll be the case someday, so I’m enjoying every quiet, clean moment I can! If we had slobs a couple of properties away, the trash should get hung up on the trees before it could make its way over here. The few trees in Maricopa manage to catch blowing trash, so these trees would certainly do a wonderful job of that.

Tom said he wants to get a gate up by where our driveway’s going to be ASAP, and I was like, but they could drive in through the clearing. He said it was a psychological thing, and I was like, okay.

It’s 87º in here now. This is the hottest it’s been so far and very typical of a seasonal climate where late July and August are the hottest as opposed to June which is the hottest month in Arizona. As hot as it is, it makes the late nights and early mornings more comfortable. It’s also dry, so it’s not nearly as miserable as it is in Massachusetts.

The other day when we got the camera in focus, I wanted to go out and take some pictures of the wildflowers, only to find that the bluebells had withered up and died!

TUESDAY, JULY 13, 2004
Well, I got half of my wishes granted. We did get the check, but he’s still jobless. He filled out more applications today while I did laundry, and has decided to take their free two-hour résumé class tomorrow. He thinks that’s what’s hindering him. I hope it’s that and not something up there that’s against us. We’ve had enough unearthly sources against us! So far so good, though, as we don’t have windows breaking for no reason at all, nor do we have any foul odors that appear out of nowhere for no reason.

I had a vibe on a particular scratch ticket out of about 20 different tickets they sell in a vending machine in the grocery store. It only won $2, but it won.

Anyway, as I figured would be the case, there was no note enclosed with the check. I’m still going to cut my letters way down to them as I still don’t like being told “no more” after they made Tom their personal slave for so long, and Tom agrees. I just wish Tom had said “no more” himself long before he did. Oh well. Better later than never.

The Laundromat was more crowded than I’d ever seen it before, but I didn’t have to wait on any machines. Their dryers really suck, so I hung the clothes in the RV once we got back. We’ll probably get a clothesline soon. It would save us a little money in the end.

After depositing the check and getting $100, since there’s a hold on the rest of it, we went to the Chinese place. I got my pork fried rice and egg foo young this time. They’re getting friendlier to us there now that we’re pretty much regulars.

Tom wanted to stop at DQ for blizzards after we did the laundry, but I was still stuffed from the Chinese place so I couldn’t eat much of it. I don’t have to weigh myself to know I’m back to around 130. I’ve been stuck ever since I got sick, and again, I know I can’t lose weight no matter how many days I stick to having around 1000 calories. He’s not yet convinced I’m right. When he is, then I’ll add about 500 calories, though maybe not. It saves money this way.

We checked out a thrift store in which nothing interested us, but that’s good since we don’t want to be spending money on non-necessities. They had a dryer there for $24, but I’m sure it was broken beyond repair.

When we got back, after I put things away or hung them to dry, I took the last few slices from our old loaf of bread, gave some to the rats, then to my wild friends. As soon as I threw the slices out to them, an adult chipmunk, a baby chipmunk, and the big gray rat, all came running to get their share.

Well, it’s been about 5 days since my sleep was shorted, so I’d say I’ve got about another 5 to go before it happens again. It seems to be cursed at regular intervals. But why???

MONDAY, JULY 12, 2004
I did hear from Bob after all. He said his supplier went out of business and is looking for plain caramel. I just hope that the next time I order Angel, it really is Angel.

That’s twice Tom missed a call for what was probably a job interview. He was taking a dump when the call came. What? Does something up there want him jobless? He said he’s still not worried about the job with all the applications he’s filled out, and since he got two calls. The first call, the shit cell phone died when he went to answer it. I hate cell phones! It’d be $750 to have phone wire strung here rather than 7 grand as it would be for electric, but I’m a bit reluctant to do that at any point, even though they’re more reliable than cell phones, as I don’t want it encouraging people to move in here, though I’m sure they’ll do just that anyway.

Tom says the jobs he applied for are minimum wage. That should show us just how for or against us whatever’s up there truly is. I mean, if he couldn’t get a minimum-wage job, there’d be no denying the fact that something has it in for us even here.

He is a little worried about Ma’s check, though, which we still haven’t received. He thinks it’ll come tomorrow and that this mailing company is a day behind with their mail. I just hope they’re not lying about sending the check in the first place what with all the people who love to say they’ll do things they don’t intend to do because if they are, I’ll curse the living hell out of them! Without a shred of guilt, I’ll curse them to death or so close to it they’ll wish they were dead.

Later…

It sends chills throughout me to think of all the spiders we’d have found in this thing, amongst God knows what else if we’d been in Arizona this last month. I can also just imagine how many spiders have been in the house since we left it and I haven’t been there to do anti-spider spells.

Tom stunk so bad earlier that he ran me out of the RV as he was trying to wet-wipe skin folds that trap in sweat, like around his crotch area. Yup, the worst thing about being with a guy, not that I’d want to be with a woman other than in my fantasies, is how much they stink.

Now, if God – or something – could please, please let that check be there tomorrow, and please, please let him get hired somewhere, preferably at a full-time job so we could have benefits, we’ll be well on our way to establishing ourselves in Oregon. I know he’ll get 1st shift, though, unfortunately, so he can keep waking me up. Nothing up there would be so kind as to let him get 2nd shift so he wouldn’t have to do that, though I wish he could! I’d like to have some of the regular business hours free for doing things that can only be done at those times. Plus, 2nd and 3rd shifts usually pay more.

SUNDAY, JULY 11, 2004
After a week of having around 1000 calories, I saved some money but failed to drop below 127 pounds. I knew I wouldn’t, though, and again, I know I’m far from the only one in this world who can’t lose weight.

The first of many samples came today. A regular letter-size envelope and a big envelope came made of very lightweight material. I’m not really sure what it is. The question is, can I send it to jail? Maybe I’ll just send the big one to Mary containing past journal excerpts or stories if I ever hear back from her.

If mom’s check isn’t there tomorrow, I’m going to be worried.

We went out today for water and a few groceries, as well as to the Chinese place. I got fries and barbecued pork. The fries were wonderful as always, but the pork was boring. I should’ve gotten the fried wontons.

For now, we’ve got a computer setup where he uses his outside on an old folding table. He has to put a tarp over his head, though, so he can see his screen. I use mine in the RV. If it wasn’t so cold at night, we could use it then, but he goes to bed before the sun even sets between 8:00-9:00.

I still hate the long drives to and from Klamath Falls, but again, it’s either be chilly in peace and solitude or sweat it out with the animals and antics of warmer climates.

Later…

I forgot to mention that on our way back we took a different way in. One that’s longer, but with better roads.

Tom got a bit of a sunburn. He didn’t wear a shirt because of his rash, so now he’s burned. That’s the third problem he’s had since coming here. Maybe he’s the unwanted one in this place.

I saw a cottontail earlier just like the ones down in Maricopa, plus we have what appears to be a small gray rat living under the wooden boards in the screen room.

It was cute when one of the chipmunks was standing straight up looking curiously up at the rat’s cage. God help it if it or a mouse dares to enter that cage for my rats will surely kill them! Rats are predators who especially love to kill mice.

Tom and I have a bet going, even though we didn’t actually bet on any particular thing. See, he insists that anyone can lose weight and that the main reason they don’t is that it’s no fun being hungry all the time and not easy staying thin once they get there.

I, however, insist that some people simply can’t lose weight, including myself. They just can’t do it for a variety of reasons. Could be a medication they’re on, thyroid problems, or genetics, but not everyone can lose weight, like it or not, any more than everyone can sing or dance.

Anyway, I agreed to faithfully stick to my diet of roughly 1000 calories a day, plus a half-hour workout to save money and to show him I won’t and can’t drop under 127 pounds. I did have dreams in Maricopa where some nameless, faceless being was insisting I couldn’t lose weight while I was there only because the evil that resided there wouldn’t let me, and while I always thought it silly for a ghost to tamper with someone’s weight, though God knows whatever was there sure as hell despised me!

I hope to hell he gets a job this week! I really do. If he doesn’t actually start something then I hope he’s at least hired somewhere this week. His getting a job will take so much stress off of us. Then we can start over and hope that we can have at least a decade before we have to do it again for the millionth time. Oh, how great it would be to stop starting over!

I swear it’s like something wants to keep things going for me and keep me on the go. I think, however, I could do a fine job on my own of keeping busy and productive! Yet here we are kicked down once again and once again we’re building ourselves back up on account of others, though it was our choice to come here (yes, for once a decision was made by us!) and we do want to build our own house to get out of having to have a mortgage. Still, I feel like I’m back playing appointments again, in a sense. In fact, the appointment game is exactly what I’m back to having to play if I want to be the one to do the laundry, go out for a bite to eat periodically, and to pick out things by myself at the grocery store.

Oh well. At least no one will threaten me with jail if I don’t go. If the so-called appointments aren’t neighbor-related, I can handle it.

I’m not looking forward to playing appointment with a new dentist either, once I finally get one, but I have to. I have a killer cavity that’s got to be filled, plus a few others.

Not only did I receive no reply from Dave, but none from Bob or Jeff when I went to ask if they ever expected to have plain caramel in their inventory. Why is everyone ignoring me? Oh well. Guess I’ll just ignore them back!

On our way in we checked out these two swimming holes that are sort of side by side, and yuck! They looked disgusting. The shallow, murky water was filled with tall reeds. You couldn’t swim very well there even if the water were deep enough. The lady at the bank said to stay out of the lakes due to the leeches. Well, we didn’t see any blood-suckers, but I saw a small snake swimming through the reeds. It was perhaps a foot long and might’ve been a water moccasin. If it was, the thing’s way poisonous.

Although we’re not scared of snakes, it’s nice to be out of rattlesnake territory where you always have to check under the stairs, under the cars, etc. Not that Tom would be sitting outside at a computer with a tarp over his head in Arizona in July, but it’d be an extremely dangerous thing if he did. Here, he doesn’t have to worry about stuff like that and having to always look over his shoulder at certain times of the year.

I just hope someone hires him this week. That’s our biggest concern right now. He spoke to a woman who said it took her 4 months to find work here. I don’t know if she was being picky or not, but hearing that and how she had to stay in a shelter was scary!

Think I’ll listen to music now on the laptop, then read, then work on Anyone’s Dream. Tom says I’m a real writer now because most writers work on more than one story at a time. Yeah, but aren’t real writers supposed to get paid for their work?

SATURDAY, JULY 10, 2004
Staying back at the land for a few days makes going out more special, so I look forward to going out tomorrow. We’ll pick up some groceries and maybe hit the Chinese place, too.

I decided not to bother listing my books. For one, no one goes on eBay looking for books written by the sellers themselves, and secondly, I know the rule – if Jodi wants it, Jodi can’t have it. It’d be a silly waste of time to set myself up to fail. I learned by the time I got to my 30s not to fight fate or waste time struggling for things that weren’t meant to be. My writing was strictly meant to be a fun hobby and that’s it.

Dave picked up the album link, but as expected, not a word pertaining to it was sent in response.

FRIDAY, JULY 9, 2004
Still no job yet, but again he went out and submitted applications. He still feels confident he’ll get something soon. He said he wouldn’t be worried unless he was still jobless at the end of the month. His finding something – anything – would certainly take the stress off, though his mom’s check that’s coming will help. I just hope we won’t be forced to spend it on day-to-day living expenses because he can’t get work!

Later…

My MP3 player’s broken and I’m like, great. Just great. How much more do I have to lose along the way? It’s like something wants to destroy the few belongings we have left, leaving us with nothing! We have to get a new this and a new that and I am just so sick of starting over! When oh when do I get to stop starting over???

He did manage to focus the camera long enough to shoot a dozen pictures of the land and the lovely view at the end of the lane. I created a new Oregon land album on Webshots and uploaded the pictures into it. Then I sent Dave a link, but I’m sure we won’t hear back in regard to it. These are people who are so wrapped up in themselves and cocooned in their own little world that they’re rather oblivious to anyone else unless you practically grab them by the shoulders and shake the hell out of them.

Again, I hate to leave the rats in the screen room, even though I know they can handle it, but there’s really no room in here. Also, Tom’s movements waking me up are enough. I don’t need to add their fighting to it, too.

THURSDAY, JULY 8, 2004
Well, I’ll be damned! They are going to come through for us after all! With mixed emotions attached, of course. Meaning, we’re very appreciative of the fact that they’re sending out a check today for 3K, but they’re refusing to let us pay them back. We were going to give them $100 a month, then $300 a month once the house was done, but they’re saying that instead of paying them back, no more! That’s where the mixed emotions come from. On one hand, telling your kid “no more” when you have a good 100K or so is pretty low, but at the same time we do hate to ask for help and we do want to be independent. I know the “no more” is for our own good as mom knows she’s not going to be around forever to rescue us. Then again, is that really the case? Or could it be she no longer gives a damn? Our goal is to get 5K - 10K saved up ASAP and 20K saved by the time he turns 60 because you just never know.

Meanwhile, life in the Klamath Falls Forest Estates, unit 4, lot 13 can begin!!! Oh, how I hope we stay here for at least a decade! Tom thinks it’s more likely we’ll get a summer cabin nearby, than people living here year-round. Yeah, I guess it’s better to have the summers spoiled than the whole year, but as long as they don’t fuck with us, we’ll deal with whatever. It should be easy enough to get them out of sight, if not out of sound. Even if I was psychic enough to know we’d never get neighbors, though I still think we will sooner or later, I’d still plant flower hedges next spring anyway. It’d be nice to have something pretty like that no matter what. We were thinking of going with the Rose of Sharon. They’re cheap and they grow fast. I also think the wildlife here isn’t as likely to mess with them in this kind of climate, though we’ll get older plants if we can.

I’ll still write mom periodically, though not as much, as like I said, I have mixed emotions about her. She, Mary and Dave, just aren’t my favorite folks. They asked if I went to the temp agency with him, and of course he told them I did. Anything they want to hear we’ll tell them to get the money we need. I’d tell them I tortured the old neighbors without provocation if that’s what they want to hear and if that’s what it’ll take to get the money. Either way, we’re pretty confident that once he gets a job, we should be able to fend for ourselves so long as we don’t have a mortgage or any other huge expenses come up.

So I was half-right in the end. I mean, I was really starting to doubt they were going to put their actions where their mouths are, but I pretty much expected the “no more” part.

Why couldn’t Doe and Art have died the day before I dumped them?!

Between the two of us, we’ve had one black eye, a bad rash (though now that he’s taking Ibuprofen it seems to be healing), and two bouts of the runs, on top of the usual sleep curse. Tom agrees that most curses go in cycles for set numbers of years, but when he says the sleep curse will probably end when the shed’s built in a couple of months from now, I’m highly skeptical. This is because it’s been going on for 12 years now! Nobody’s this light a sleeper, nobody!

Tom had to run out for water because I had to flush the toilet so many damn times when I got sick. He got it from this hotel in Beatty and found that they do propane there which he was happy to learn.

We’re going to make sure we don’t start spending money on fun things, as in setting aside allowances for ourselves, till we have a certain amount saved up. This amount will depend on what his job pays. He filled out applications today and is going to check out some production companies tomorrow. I’m also not going to get the mannequin till the house is done. Besides, there’s no room for it until then anyway, and it can wait. There’ll still be mannequins in the world by then and I’ll still have many years to enjoy it when I can get it, so I’m fine with waiting.

Tom got an inflator kit that sounds like a blow dryer for $5 so I can blow up my bed myself if I ever need to.

It was freezing in here at 6:00 this morning. Just 54º! We set the thermostat to 65º and we intend to leave it that way for as long as we have to live in this shitbox!

Our local rodent friends never cease to amaze me with how smart they are. The chippies seem just as intelligent as rats! When I call out “Chippy,” they actually come running! Also, Tom got to see the big gray rat today.

Last night I began Anyone’s Dream which I think is my best writing yet. I wrote it in my notebook to kill time before I could fall asleep. I abbreviated a lot of it so I could write faster, figuring I could always fine-tune it once I typed it up.

I’ve got to concentrate more on subjects, whether I’m personally sick of them or not, that interest most people if I want to stand a chance, no matter how slim, of selling my books. They want sex, they want murder, they want childbirth, they want substance abuse, they want violence. They mostly want to read about things they don’t want to experience in real life.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 7, 2004
I don’t know what I am right now, more pissed or more worried. Probably more pissed. Who at? Tom’s family. Again. I think they’ve pissed me off one too many times and that it’s definitely, definitely time to be done with them, and Tom agrees. Nothing makes my blood boil more than someone saying they’ll do something they never do! I hate people who are all talk and no action. Hate them! It’s like his family doesn’t give a shit about us any more than mine ever did. Miss Perfect’s exact words to Tom before we left were to let her know if we needed help. Well, we do. So Tom emailed her about it and even offered to pay back the money soon enough, but we’re still being ignored. Today my gut suspicions were confirmed too, because I received the auto-notifier saying that Dave got the e-card I sent. Well, if he got that, he had to have gotten my email which was not returned. Tom says not to jump the gun and to give it a few days, but it’s kind of obvious that they really don’t care to help us. Then why the fuck did they even bother to offer to?! My gut instinct is so rarely wrong when it comes to other people’s true intentions. I know they don’t give a shit and that they never intended to help us, so once again we’re pulling back and separating the blood relation from the people that they are and asking ourselves if we want to associate with people that could do that to us and the answer’s no. We have enough self-respect to avoid liars like that that don’t give a shit about us. The least they could’ve done had something come up to prevent them from helping us would be to let us know. To just keep us hanging like this is way cold and it seems that Dave’s just as bad as the rest of them not to have the decency to at least let me know he got my message.

It’s times like this that make me not want to have a damn thing to do with anyone but Tom because we don’t need any shit from anyone. You can only piss one off so many times before you just might very well lose them for good, and that’s just what they’ve accomplished.

I just worry we’ll be out of money before he finds work. He tells me not to worry about it till it happens, but that’s much easier said than done.

I wish to hell like never before that Marge S would just drop dead! Even if she did, though, would Tom even be given his inheritance?

Later…

Tom says he’s not ready to give up hope as far as them helping us, but I’m afraid to get my hopes up. On the other hand, it’d be hard not to hope they wouldn’t go back on their word in such a big way, despite their faults, but the world’s full of compassionless people who like to play with people’s heads.

I wracked my brains, knowing how fragile most people are, to think if anything I might’ve said in my last letter might’ve offended them, and I honestly can’t think of anything I wrote that any reasonable person would take offense to, but sometimes you can write something as simple as “the sun is shining brightly” and that’s all it takes to flip someone out. So sensitive is the Arizonan that you just never know. They can be laughing with you one minute and wanting to kill you the next!

I nearly got quite a bonk on the head shortly after we left with the RV. I glanced up at the overhead just in time to see my keyboard come tumbling down, but thanks to my quick reflexes, I caught the thing in my hand.

Fortunately, it only costs $16 to fill up the propane tank and not the $50 we thought it would.

I still can’t get used to it being light at 9:00 PM! The sun doesn’t fully set till 10:00.

TUESDAY, JULY 6, 2004
Today was an okay day, but tomorrow is not going to be very fun having to take this monster in for propane, but hey, it’s the only way to have hot showers and use the stove and then heat when we need it. It’ll be the only time we’ll be glad we don’t have a 40’ RV! Driving something that’s 20x10 is bad enough.

Anyway, we went to the storage place today to drop off a few more things. While we were at it, we got water and I gave the girl there the unwanted incense.

We stopped at the mail place to mail all my mail. Already we’ve received our new bank cards and checks.

Before we left, we decided to move the rats out of the truck and into the screen room. They appear much happier there. They’ll be cooler in the daytime when they can get more air circulation. At night we’ll cover them with a sheet.

Tom acquired a rash that we’re pretty sure is from the Tide laundry detergent we bought at the Laundromat, so we got our own free and clear All. It’s cheaper that way anyway.

After the storage and mail place, we went to the Chinese restaurant, then to the grocery store. Besides a few days’ worth of food, I got another notebook. It will be used exclusively for story-writing. I decided to start another story in it to work on little by little when I get bored, while I work on my current one on the main PC, whenever I get the chance to use it. I still don’t want to do an Oregon-based story until I’ve been here a full year.

Tom found me some Jiffy Pop which I was beginning to think they didn’t sell in Oregon. It wasn’t as good as microwave popcorn, but it was popcorn, and it’s nice to have every now and then.

Someone left a 12-pack of Pepsi under their cart in the parking lot, so I got a free 12-pack.

The next stop was the Laundromat, and again, I’m amazed by how chatty the people are here. I spoke with a retired woman named Pat and a woman around my age named Shaun.

Poor Pat and her husband have it worse than we did when we traveled as they’re waiting on a whole new engine! She and her husband just retired and drove cross country from Maryland. They’ve been stuck in a Best Western for a week now. I asked if it was noisy. Not surprisingly, she said it wasn’t.

Shaun, who’s always lived in Oregon, amazed me when she told me she thought I weighed 110 pounds!

We talked mainly about the places we’ve been to. Both were quite creeped out at the desert creatures I described that we’d encounter in Maricopa.

When we were discussing how it’s no fun to be told what to do with your own land, Pat told me of a place someone lived at that makes this place seem like we have total freedom here. They could only mow their lawn at set times, they had to make sure their neighbor was up first, they couldn’t put their trash out the night before, they had to pull their trash cans in as soon as they were dumped, etc.

Anyway, poor Shaun locked her keys in her truck. Tom and some other guy tried to pry it open to no avail, so she had to wait for someone to rescue her with a Slim Jim.

We were all laughing our asses off when she first asked me if I knew how to break into trucks and I said, “Sorry, wrong criminal history. I was only a prank phone caller.”

Anyway, Tom’s trip to the temp place wasn’t that great. They told him to call every morning at 8:00 to see if they have anything, but of course, he can only wait so many days, which means he’ll have to fill out applications at the Work Connection.

There is good news, though, and that’s that the minimum wage here is $7.05 an hour rather than $5.15 like it is in Arizona. That’s way cool! With that, we could have $100 a month to spend on whatever, but as I told Tom, once I get the most expensive dolls if I can get them without the headaches and hassles, I’m going to cut my spending money back to $50 a month because I want to get in the house!!! The custom-made dolls I decided on are Hispanic Alexa, black Shani, redheaded, cornflower-eyed Becky, auburn-haired, green-eyed Jamaica, and blond, blue-eyed Mandy. I still may one day get either SW16 Bailey or an Indian version of her.

Our last stop was Dairy Queen for Blizzards. There were these two little kids there that were so Arizona-like and totally out of control. They were running around screaming like crazy. The parents themselves couldn’t have been a day over 18.

At one point a biker approached them to lecture them about not teaching the kids manners (something no one would dare do in Arizona!) and the mother simply said, “My son’s only 3 years old.”

Yes, she should be disciplining them, but had I been her, Mr. Big Bad Biker would’ve been in for a rude awakening! I’d have totally cussed him out and told him to mind his own goddamn business and if he wanted to fight, I’d be ready. The kids really were little monsters, though, screaming like hyenas. I was thrilled when they finally left.

In general, the people here, both young and old, seem a lot more relaxed. Arizona restaurants can really be quite a circus, yet even though the Chinese place was crowded, it wasn’t a zoo-like riot. They were all adults, though, as Oregon doesn’t seem to have as many kids.

MONDAY, JULY 5, 2004
The only thing I don’t like about buying land is all the damn rules that go with it. I hate being told what to do! Especially with something I bought and own. It’s like buying a dress and being told you can only wear it for 3 hours on Friday nights. This is why, as Tom agrees, a boat would’ve been better. The only drawback to that would’ve been that we couldn’t get things in the mail or go to stores practically whenever we wanted to.

Earlier, like at around 9:30, we heard fireworks. Where they were shooting them off from, I can’t say for sure. I guess the farms, as it’d be a bit dangerous to shoot them off here in the woods.

I cannot wait for the shed! I am so, so sick of him waking me up every morning when he leaves. Why am I so sleep-cursed? Why???

Anyway, once the shed’s up, we’ll invest in a $100 porta-pisser so I won’t have to come into the RV at night if I have to pee.

My nose is so addicted to this wonderful incense! I’m burning Magnolia right now.

I was a bit alarmed when Tom pointed out a missing section from the last book I wrote. Text shouldn’t simply “disappear” from my doc files. Tomorrow I’ll check the file. Maybe it was just a printing error, though I’ll probably have to rewrite the excerpt. It seems to be a small clip that’s missing, so that’s good. I wonder if Mary’s copy is missing it as well. The margins were offset too, and I was like – what the fuck?

Later…

The section was intact in the file, so it was just a printing error, luckily.

Tom and I were discussing whether or not God really exists and what His true intentions are. He feels that if there really is a God, why would He have plans for so many people? There are just so many damn people in the world. He has a point, though some things do seem more than just coincidental. As for me – I don’t care anymore. Instead of getting any answers, I just get more and more confused with all the various beliefs out there. I say if there’s a God, fine. If not, that’s fine, too. And I don’t care if there’s an afterlife or not. I can accept whatever the case may be in this life and any future life I may live. I just might not like it.

One of the freebies, Hawaiian Rain, is really good. It seems, though, that each fragrance has 4 or 5 smell-alikes.

Miss Perfect and Dave are still ignoring our emails, and unless they failed to receive my last letter to them, they are definitely ignoring it. So we devised a plan. Tom emailed Miss P again, but this time he explained that we need a couple of thousand dollars before we can even begin to build, and how we want to build before winter sets in, etc., and offered to pay back $100 a month via PayPal, then $300 a month after the house is built. He explained to them that we need money for the land warranty deed, a septic evaluation permit, the permit to build the damn septic, and a temporary use permit to park the RV and live in it, then a site evaluation to show where things are going to go – the driveway, house, septic, etc. It’s really crazy and unfair, but that’s just life for you. Still, it really bothers me to be told what to do with our own shit and at our ages. So anyway, after another week of her ignoring his email, he’ll email Dave asking if they’ve gotten our emails. When he ignores us, we’ll then send a regular postal letter.

I just had an idea. I could send them an e-card. If they pick it up, I’ll know it, whereas I don’t know it when my email gets read. On the other hand, they’ll probably know I know it, so if they are checking their mail, they may be sure not to get the card so we think they’re just not checking.

SUNDAY, JULY 4, 2004
Mary and Dave are still blowing us off completely, and so help me God, if they refuse to help us after saying they would, I’ll never forgive them or talk to them again! Tom was even going to offer to pay back the money they lent us by suggesting Miss Perfect set up a PayPal account so he could easily transfer it to her. As I told him, though, if he wants to get his message across, he’s going to either have to send it by postal mail or call them. Fussing over a misunderstanding with my friend Mary every now and then is one thing, but I’ll be damned if I’ll play the family drama game again and again and again.

Two nights ago I didn’t have the bizarre sexual dreams I’ve been having so I thought maybe they quit on me, but last night they were back to haunt me.

Got another Mary letter yesterday. It was very different from the one before it. You’d never think she wrote to me chewing me out, but I can say the same for the letter I wrote her last night; that you’d never know my previous letter was chewing HER out.

She said you don’t really get to know the officers there very well with it being such a big pod and so open, which I can understand. Teddy Bear and I would never have chatted and flirted like we did had we been in the tents or dorms, but then again, she did just that. That’s why she got kicked out of Estrella.

Mary said she got a celly that stared at her nonstop and she burst out screaming. She said she was terrified. She’s also worried about the new jail that’ll be open in about a year with open beds and open showers like in the dorms. She said she’ll shower in her clothes before she lets 100 lesbians check her out as if she were a piece of meat. When she said that I wondered if she wasn’t as accepting towards gays as I’d always thought, but then I realized that she’d feel the same way if it were guys checking her out. Just like she pointed out how I couldn’t handle being there (which is true), I can’t imagine her dancing nude or topless like I did. As she would quickly learn if she did, she wouldn’t be “Mary,” nor any other clever stage name she may come up with, but a piece of meat and nothing more. Most guys that go in there don’t want to romance you in any way, they want to kill you. As in rape you, beat you, etc.

Tom has been having a hell of a time digging the septic test holes. He said the first couple of feet are loose soil, but then you hit rocks. He’s been breaking them up with an ax, but it’s still not easy. Our bath and kitchen water will go through the septic, but the water from the compost toilets we hope to have will go into a separate tray that you dump periodically. What I like about composts is that you can adjust the water amount in it and they can’t get clogged nearly as easily as a regular toilet can.

SATURDAY, JULY 3, 2004
Got up at my usual time. Ever since we’ve been here I’ve been crashing between midnight and 2 AM and rising between 10:30 AM - 12:30 PM. It’s strange how I’ve held the schedule this long, though I have been taking something at night. Either Melatonin or Benadryl.

I was wrong in saying they left out Carefree incense. It wasn’t on the order form, so I found when I went back and checked. Still, it’s quite a coincidence that they swapped Angel with something else after I mentioned that Angel had become a favorite. I’ve got to stop telling people my likes/dislikes! They only use it against me.

This evening will be my first one alone here if only for a few hours. It’s about fucking time!

Well, it didn’t bounce back, but Dave hasn’t responded to the email I left, and Miss Perfect hasn’t responded to the email Tom left. And I told her in my last letter, which she probably got on Thursday, to check her email.

Yesterday I saw a gray rat. It was big for a wild rat, too.

THURSDAY, JULY 1, 2004
I was so beat that I didn’t even feel or hear him leave this morning. He said it was 57º in here when he left, but I was dressed warmer so I never woke up.

Our tentative plan is to get water and dump the trash on Sunday, then take this old junker into town on Tuesday for more propane.

Later…

Today’s been a pleasantly relaxing day. I still would like to spend time alone here, but I didn’t feel as smothered. This is because we weren’t always together. Sometimes he was in the RV when I wasn’t and vice versa.

I updated my journal on the laptop, read and let the rats run around in here. Blondie was so cute at one point, drinking from my water bottle. He climbs everything and everywhere – fan grids, water dispenser coils, etc.

We discussed various incense-selling ideas for when we reopen the store, and I came up with a good one, though I still doubt we’ll sell any. My idea was to order 50 20-packs to make the $50 minimum. Then, instead of listing specific scents for sale, we give them a choice. We say here are the 50 scents we have, you choose what scents you want towards your variety pack of say 6 scents, 5 sticks each (I’ll have to make sure I burn no more than 15 sticks in each pack), to be shipped upon receiving payment.

I may print out the book I was working on at the library after copying it on a floppy, so I can hand-write it just to have more to do. It’s just that I’d hate to write something by hand that requires so much editing! I also don’t know if I want to try to concentrate on writing stories with Tom always here to interrupt or distract me. I can’t wait till he gets a job! I am so sick of his constant presence and I’m sick of him waking me up when he goes outside in the early mornings till I get up! He’s been getting up around 7 AM and I’ve been getting up around noon.

I’ve been having strange dreams. On top of the usual nightmares where I’m stuck in places – jails, hospitals, camps, etc. – I’ve been having strange sexual dreams as well.

---

Last updated July 16, 2024