November 2003 in 2000s

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2003
On this last day of November, I sit and think about how I am not looking forward to December. It could very well be a pretty shitty month. Why is something doing this to us? Just what is it that wants us out of here so badly, and is it something that’s against us being here, or against anyone being here? Well, if it’s a restless spirit of some kind that may’ve died here many years ago, then the next people will get shit, too. As for our breakage curse (now the fuser on my laser printer’s acting up); that follows us wherever we go, so even if we get out of here before the well breaks again there’ll only be trouble with the next one.

There goes the renters to haul water. Their place looks shitty as usual, but their dog’s been quieter at night. That’s because it’s so cold, so the poor thing’s probably using up all its energy shivering in the cold and has none left over for barking. As soon as the sun comes up it starts up, though. It does its thing when it sets, too.

Anyway, I’ve been a little bummed and anxious with all this uncertainty going on. Tom said not to worry about us ending up homeless and that if worse came to worse, we could get an acre right here in Maricopa and put a piece of shit on it, but I’d hate to have to do that. No, it wouldn’t be Brattleboro, Valleyhead, Estrella Jail, a house in the city or an apartment, but it’d be plenty noisy enough. In a place as open as this where everyone’s dogs are kept outdoors 24/7, the barking would be pretty obnoxious. If we can’t get more land, I really don’t want to have to get any less than what we’ve already got, but as Tom pointed out, if we do, it’d be easier to fence. Maybe even put up a block wall if it’s going to be just an acre.

A part of me is wondering if another reason we may end up being forced out of here is to prevent us from making a lot of money off this place in the future. If that’s the case, then we’re wasting our time trying to make money with websites.

So many questions, never any answers! See, I knew God would replace my old freeloader problems with new ones, but I’d certainly rather this over the array of past problems I’ve had.

Here goes the renters again. I swear we’ve had more traffic on Ralston in just the first year they lived here than in all the time we were here before they arrived. Last night alone, as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard them go by 6 different times. They all might not have been coming/going from their place, but I’m sure most of them were. I’m sure it’ll be like this when we move too, and that we’ll be next to rentals with virtual junkyards and tons of people and dogs that are home constantly.

Anyway, Tom checked for me and Walmart sells 25-packs of incense for just 84¢ while they’re $1.75 for a 20-pack at Incense Galore. I’m still going to buy from Incense Galore, though, as they have a huge variety. Walmart incense will be good for in-between orders.

I haven’t worked on my current story, A New Life, a New Love in several days. There’s no hurry. I’ll get to it when I get to it.

I have one thing to look forward to in the midst of all this shit and that’s that tomorrow we’re going to the bookstore. I just hope it exists! We’ll call them first to make sure they haven’t moved so we don’t end up going out for nothing like we did the last time, though we wanted to get pets that day, too. I also hope we can sell some of the stuff we want to sell, too.

Lastly, I hope to get a letter from Mary. That’d cheer me up and take one more worry off my shoulders. I mean, it’s not like her to not respond about my last book, the photo contest and all that’s been going on with us.

There’s now just one mouse left.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2003
Well, I’ll be damned. Netflip actually credited me the rest of the money owed to me which is a total of $23.90. The next step is to get them to send the damn check.

After this year, I don’t think I’ll bother printing out journals anymore. I figure there’s no need to waste paper and ink when I have them on two hard drives, one floppy disk and one CD. It’s not like Tom and I are ever going to “break up” where I’ll need to print copies to take with me.

I skipped my walk yesterday, but am down a pound because I watched my cals yesterday. I had roughly around 1400 and so now I’m 127. The problem is that this is as low as I seem to be able to get, so I won’t count on dropping any more. I can’t even remember the last time I was 125. I know it was over a year ago because it was last New Year’s when I discovered I could no longer lose weight but a few measly pounds. I can pull myself down to 127 from 130, but not to the 100-110 I used to be able to pull myself down to.

I hope I finally hear something from Mary today if Tom stops at the PO, but either way, I should mail her Christmas card off on Monday. That way, if there’s any delay with the increase in mail volume, it will still get to her on time. With Christmas being her favorite holiday, she’s bound to love it.

I don’t know why New Year’s Eve was always my favorite holiday. We never got presents at that time. Perhaps it’s because most of my life was so shitty that each new year presented a ray of hope if only a teeny weenie bit and even if it was usually false hope in the end. Also, it was the only real time I felt “free.” Free from Dureen’s wrath and control. Being able to stay up so late was quite a big thrill, too.

I’m especially looking forward to this new year despite the fact that it’ll be filled with lots of uncertainty. This will be our first year without the welfare bums being a part of our lives since 1996.

Later…

I just walked a mile in 20 minutes and Tom’s out doing one of God’s favorite things he stuck in his cards for him to do – fixing the truck.

What a strenuous workout I had, yet it makes me feel good! It’s easily the equivalent of Mary running up and down the stairs like she says she does. I don’t think you can find a much harder workout than this. I can only manage a few quick scattered spurts of jogging. For the most part, though, I can’t go much faster than 4 MPH on this thing. One really needs to already be in good shape in order to handle this thing.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2003
The renters, who add more and more junk and vehicles to their yard “décor” each month, are back to trashing us again. I see at least a few clumps of their shit towards the back of our land, but it’s okay. We’ll be moving in late February, from what my vibes and logic tell me (to northern Arizona or Nevada). If I’m wrong and we stay, we’ll just fence up and make it harder for their shit to blow over here.

I got a really cool paper sample in the mail today. It’s this super high-gloss paper that makes the pictures you print out look like actual photographs.

I decided to send Paula tons of samples, too. I know she’ll dig them.

I had a bad truck vibe the other day, and sure enough, the water pump blew, so now he’s got to replace it, using the one from the green truck. I’m just so glad we’ve got two vehicles so that when one craps out on us like it does every other day, we can at least use the other one. Anyway, the breakage curse just never ends. It never fucking ends. I don’t know how we’re going to get the time to try to get ahead in life when all we do is get set back over and over and over again.

We talked about it, and we both agree that since we have no respect for our so-called “fellow” human beings what with the way there are so many sick, evil people out there, to take advantage of their stupidity and vulnerability. They’ve taken from us and fucked us over, so why not return the favor? Maybe that’s why God never punishes our perps. Maybe he’s just waiting for us to give them a taste of their own medicine on our own, and so we’re thinking of running some sort of online scam. There are a variety of things we can do that are considered wrong by most, but still legal. I won’t write much more about it till we come up with a more concrete idea, but one idea is to be an online psychic. I’m the real thing, unlike most of the quacks out there, but when I don’t get any vibes, I’ll have to make them up. There’s also the possibility of the popular “get rich” thing where you spend money to work instead of making money from working. There are a lot of desperados out there who believe they can turn the tables eventually and make some of the money they’ve been spending, but meanwhile, they’ll pay to work.

Tom finished my third book and agreed that it’s the best one so far and that I’m getting more and more professional with my writing.

Still nothing from Mary. I’m surprised, too. I mean, I know she’s had her spells where she didn’t write for a week or two, but she’s usually pretty good with feeling what I feel and quickly responding to it when something good or bad comes up. In other words, I thought she’d have been psyched right along with me about the photo contest and quick to say so, as well as eager to send words of encouragement over the well crisis and hard time we’re having. Certainly, my book didn’t scare her to death which I haven’t even heard about yet. Nah, she’s tougher than that. I guess she’s just broke herself and isn’t able to write because if something were wrong, I’d think her aunt would’ve notified me.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2003
Last night’s wake-up call was a round of sonic booms. That’s twice in less than a week that I’ve been woken up in rural Maricopa! I’m so sick of being punished with this house. The question is, though, am I really being punished for living in a luxurious house, by an evil spirit that lurks here, or for leaving the city? Well, I started getting slight moving vibes last night (to northern AZ?), so maybe I’ll find that out soon enough. Unless Tom finds a job that pays tremendously well right off the bat, we’re definitely out of here. I look forward to change. Especially if the changes are good ones or at least going to lead to good ones, but I have my fears about it, too. Will we get stuck in the city during the transition? Will there be more sonic booms where we move to? Will other bad things happen if we move? The unknown can be both frustrating and scary at times. I just wish I had somewhat of a sense of what’s going on! Meanwhile, I’m going to try to stay on days if they’re going to return to flying every day.

Yesterday, in 3 or 4 spurts, I walked 2 miles in 40 minutes. I’m walking further in less time now that I’m getting used to this thing, but because it’s so damn strenuous, I can’t really go faster than a 3- or 4-MPH pace.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2003
Now I’m in the 2000s on Memolink.

My last letter to Mary was returned saying that the word puzzle I sent wasn’t allowed and I’m like fuck this shit with things being sometimes allowed and sometimes not allowed! It doesn’t seem to be a matter of what is/isn’t allowed so much as it seems to be a case of whether or not the receiving officer wishes to okay it. It all depends on the officer. From now on, I’m not sending anything other than letters, journals and drafts. I’m not even sending graphics because, for all I know, the pictures of dolls that were always acceptable may suddenly not be acceptable should they be received by an officer high on control.

Anyway, I still haven’t heard from her, so I don’t know what’s going on. If there’s anything new going on with the case, I don’t know. I never bother to check because I figure she’ll tell me about it herself when something comes up.

I got a letter from Paula yesterday which was nice. I even spoke to her because I wanted to know if the incense stick I sent made it to her in one piece, but she hasn’t been to her box. She has a cold, she says. I told her I’d concentrate on putting a spell on her to make it better and that I’d call back to find out if it worked.

She still wants me to make her CDs of people like Ashanti, Nsync, R. Kelly, Madonna, Mariah Carey, TLC and stuff like that, but like I told her, my burner’s broken and we’re broke, too. I’m also sick of giving to those who won’t give to me. The least she can do, for example, is send me the money to ship her the incense I don’t want when it comes time, though as I told her, she may as well wait till I’ve sampled all the ones I want to sample first.

She mentioned getting settlement money from the bus accident she was involved in, but whether or not she really will, I don’t know.

All I know is that Tom and I wasted yet more money. The money on the mice was a waste since they’re all going to end up dead, and the cages were a waste too, because they’re really not all that great. I like these tubes better, though, cuz they’re smaller and they make climbing easier for the smallest rodents like mice.

Tom’s family really are such shits. Although we’d say no thanks because we’re not social butterflies or big fans of turkey, the decent thing to do would be to call to see how we’re doing, especially since they know we’re having a hard time, then to invite us over for Thanksgiving, offering at least to give us gas money.

I only have 55 incense sticks left because I’ve been burning them like crazy.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2003
So much for the power of prayer. I should know better by now, I swear! I had hoped that God could put aside his hatred momentarily to grant my request for him to lead Tom to a decent job, but as always, he’s going to do what he’s going to do anyway, so why bother asking for help?

The renter’s dog is getting on my nerves on and off throughout the night. Since coming to Arizona I have been so annoyed by other people’s dogs that I don’t think, regardless of where we are or where we stand financially, that I want to bother getting our own dog. I wish someone would start shooting these loose dogs and teach their owners just what’ll happen to them when they let them run loose. I didn’t come out here to Maricopa for this shit or to be woken up as much as I get woken up out here. Tonight’s wake-up call was a huge explosion somewhere. I was close to getting up anyway when it happened at 9 PM, so I wasn’t in that deep of a sleep. Still, I thought it was a dream until Tom confirmed that it was real when I got up. He said he went out and checked things out, but didn’t see anything and that it was probably a transformer that blew, reminding me of the one that blew when we were in Phoenix. Oh yes, I remember it quite well and how the blast blew the mail slot open.

I told Tom I thought we ought to sell the Bowflex or try to anyway, but he said he likes having it around. Why? So he can use it twice a year and I can use it just to stay fat?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2003
It’s not even midnight yet and it’s already down to 35º. Maricopa really is colder in the winter and hotter in the summer than Phoenix. Even the floors get cool along with our 6” walls! Especially because there’s no cellar or concrete slab for the house to rest on.

I was able to psych $15 on the last Slingo ticket and I’m going to keep on plugging away at it. I’m just sick of God punishing us for every little blessing he does give us. Things were running smoothly for months and now we gotta pay for it. Lovely. Just lovely.

Anyway, we talked about the possibilities of both staying and leaving. We definitely agree that if there was a way we could’ve fucked up when leaving Phoenix, we definitely did. We should never have gotten the well or a big fancy house. The nearly $1000 payments are a real killer. Like I said before, I don’t like the idea of trading this place in for a single-paned, thin-walled, tiny piece of shit, but I’m sick of struggling and I’d like more land and fewer people. Moving here and the way we went about it was definitely a dumb mistake, but we were fated to fail. Again, what would be the point of cursing us with psychotic neighbors if we were only going to know how to escape it 4 years sooner than we did? There was no way God was going to let us stumble onto the fact that we could’ve gotten out as soon as the shit hit the fan, and done so without suffering as much as we did. We didn’t have to spend 4 months in trailers and motels and we didn’t have to lose so much money. But like I said, why curse someone, then show them the way?

Another mistake was these mice because they’re dying off one by one. As Tom pointed out, feeder mice that have been inbred so much tend to be more diseased. If they all die off (there are 4 left) I’m not going to replace them with anything new till we know for sure what’s going on. I’d say we’re going to end up staying for a few more years because I’m getting to like the idea of leaving more and more. Like I said, it’s only the house itself I’ll miss. I’m just glad that for however long we end up here we’re not stuck in a desperate situation like we were before with seemingly no way out.

I’m also not going to miss the waves of foul smells we get in here. Tom can’t smell them as much, but when you’ve been cursed with a nose just as keen as any bloodhound’s, you smell all kinds of shit. Most of the smells are from the septic, but I’d only have to put up with this in the next place too, because there’d be a septic there as well.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2003
There’s a tractor in front again, so maybe they are going to level the second house after all.

It’s not even 8 PM yet it’s cold. It’s in the 40s which means it’ll probably be in the 20s come 5:00! It hadn’t been that cold this year till it got windy early this morning, causing a cold front to surge through.

Well, I guess I’ll go trim my bangs now which need to be trimmed for the third time this month.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2003
Today was Tom’s last day at the proving grounds. He’s going to sign up once again for unemployment, though he hopes to be paid by his next job, whatever that may be before he has a chance to receive unemployment. He’s going to take anything he can get, he said, and I was like, but you just had anything you could get, so why go from one shit job to another? Because he needs to be on nights, he told me, so he can have the days open for interviews. He has a point there. I always did tell him that first shift sucks for a reason. When you work during business hours, that leaves hardly any time for appointments, shopping, etc.

We were talking about the pros and cons of moving. We both agree we don’t want to be forced to sell, but we don’t want to stay either. I hate it when fate or others go and make our decisions for us, yet if moving means moving on to something better, then why not? On the other hand, if the price of moving again is going to be another half a year in jail, then I’d rather stay put. It’s one of those things we won’t know until and if it happens or until I get any vibes, but one thing that’s comforting to know is that we know more now than we did the last time around. A lot more.

I have no vibes either way at this time, but I keep seeing a brown building with an elevator in it, whatever that means. There is one thing I do know and that’s that no, we won’t always be in Arizona for the rest of our lives. Where we’ll end up, beats me.

Since a journal is a place for honesty, then I’ll say that I’m wishing once again that his mom would go belly up. We could really use our inheritance right about now, and of course it’d really put a stop to whatever she may be sending Doe and Art, though they’d just get Mary to pick up where Marge left off to play spy and report with. Well, while I may not be able to put a clamp on Marge and Miss Prefect’s big mouths, I can at least make sure they never get another picture of me, just in case they are exchanging a bit more than Merry Christmases and Happy Chanukahs, and every ounce of my gut instinct says they are too, just like it said that they were paying Kim to keep tabs on me. I doubt they’re paying Marge, though.

What I don’t understand is why my life is so important to Doe and Art. Okay, so I’m their daughter, but at the same time, I’m not their daughter and I haven’t been their daughter for years now and I never will be again, so what’s the point? Just what do they get out of it?

Since there’s never going to be a “judgment day,” which I’ll explain in a minute, I can now write all the therapeutic stories of revenge on the blacks and Mexies I so desire. I always knew deep down there’d never be a judgment day anyway and that Tom was probably just saying there would be to make me feel better, even if he might’ve truly meant it at the time, and I also knew that God would forever protect my perps.

Anyway, judgment day was going to be just what it says; we were going to hunt down as many of my perps down as we could and punish them for trashing my life be it by laser guns or whatever. We wouldn’t have done the same thing for all of them so that a common denominator wouldn’t have stood out like a sore thumb. We would’ve also made sure to leave no evidence and make their tragedies look like accidents. A laser gun burns itself up and would’ve appeared like their house caught fire for no apparent reason. In the end and in reality, revenge, punishment, torture, pain, suffering and ultimately death, will never be mine for these people except for in my fantasies. So much so that a state like Arizona would surely arrest me if they could read and display an eighth of the deadly fantasies I have in regard to these subhuman parasites that God so dearly blesses!

I’m still enjoying my incense. I don’t care about it staining furniture, walls or ceilings, but I worry about it staining the dolls and their clothes in time. I hope it won’t, though. I did online research about it and couldn’t find anything that says it will, but if I see any discolorations appearing around here, I’ll stop using the stuff.

As my writing continues to improve with time, I may one day rewrite the story of my life. I can’t make it any less sad, but I can make it better written.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2003
Just thought I’d jot down some thoughts before I go work some more on my story. Well, I’m filled with a bit of anxiety, stress and trepidation right now, though it’s nothing compared to what the freeloaders put me through. Not even a microscopic fraction. But it’s there, nonetheless. I always knew that once God finally cleansed my life of the freeloaders, He’d replace the problem with a new one. The question is how bad will it get and how long will it last?

I know Tom will ultimately end up making good money again and that we could always find some other place to live. That’s not my main concern. What worries me is us struggling indefinitely and or being forced back to the city that never wanted to let me go. This is the worst state for city living. The houses are too close and the apartment walls are paper thin. It’s way too noisy and chaotic for me. I couldn’t stand to deal with it all over again – the slamming doors, the loud stereos thumping, the screaming kids, the endless ball-bouncing games, the barking dogs, etc.

As of yesterday, I got used to the treadmill again. I could walk on it indefinitely, but not only is more not better, but I also don’t want to walk too much because it’ll just make me hungry and I’ll just end up replacing the calories I burned. If I’m going to stay 30 pounds overweight and not become 40, 50 or even more pounds overweight, I need to do something, but it doesn’t have to be a case of overkill either. I’m only walking 20-30 minutes a day, along with my arm and ab exercises. I’m 127 and I’m determined to stay there. I’ll never be the 100, 105, 110 or even the 115 I’d settle for, but I’m going to fight one last time to keep from comfortably settling into the 130s, then the 140s and so on and so forth. It’s my body, damn it, and I should be the one driving it!

Later…

Wow, I just felt and heard a huge sonic boom. They don’t usually do that at this hour either. I’m glad I was awake when that one hit. See, I worry about that as far as moving further out goes. If they can still fly over a rapidly growing community, even if it’s not that often anymore, then they certainly can fly over Nowhere Land.

I found one of the 7 mice I now have dead and one sick, so that’s not good. Hopefully, the rest will pull through.

Still no mail from Mary, though I decided to send both her and Paula letters. I even enclosed one of the incense sticks I didn’t like in Paula’s letter. Hopefully, it’ll get to her intact. I’ll call to find out at some point.

I was teasing her on the phone the other day and insisting that she’s suffering from “Ricanitis” because of how she likes PRs.

Incense Galore had always been good about answering my questions, but when I asked if the stuff leaves stains or soot over time, I got no response. This makes me think the answer could be yes. The stuff still hasn’t bothered my lungs or nose, but it sometimes irritates my eyes. Last night they felt like I’d been crying.

Michael Jackson’s being charged with child molestation again. This doesn’t surprise me. He’s quite a dedicated little pedophile. However, he has the 4 most important things in his favor and that’s his color, his gender, his fame and his fortune. He’ll get off even though he claims that he had been helping this family for a while and the more generous he was, the more they took advantage of him, so he cut them off and now they’re spiting him.

Tom agrees with me that guilty or not he’ll get off, but he also reminded me of the fact that we’re going through a time where they’re really cracking the whip on crimes against children, which led to a discussion about the cycles and trends society seems to go through. While people’s priorities may fluctuate over time, one thing sadly remains the same and that’s that everybody wants everybody else to be just like them. In other words, they may not be so quick to drug up minors like they were in the past, thinking that some magic pill would solve all their problems, but they’re on a big kick right now to dope up adults with ADD. As Tom pointed out, people are supposed to be different and they just can’t seem to get that through their thick skulls. You simply can’t make people take pills to get them to be carbon copies of one another. I can see drugging or punishing those who hurt other people, but it’s like me and blacks for example. I hate them in general and I’m sure I always will. However, I don’t go around insisting that something be done to make them just like me. I simply do my best to avoid them as much as I can instead.

Having the kind of parents I had, I can truly say that I was definitely a kid in the wrong era. It was perfectly legal to beat your kids on up till around the 90s. My mother could’ve slapped me silly in front of a cop and nothing would’ve happened. Especially in a town like Longmeadow. How I wish someone had cared enough about me to help me! So many people knew what was going on, too. It was no secret. Then again, what difference would it have made? I’d just have ended up in foster homes, funny farms and schools that were even worse sooner than I eventually did.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2003
Tom was able to get a cheap ash-catcher at Walmart when he did the grocery shopping today, so that’s one less thing to order if I ever order more incense online and if I ever get the $88 I now have.

I guess our new neighbors are spending the night at their old place. There are no lights on over there tonight.

Friday’s going to be his last day at the proving grounds. Once again they tried to pull their bullshit “Oh, but we have a good position opening up real soon” line on him, but he told them that if it didn’t open up by Monday, he was outa there. He’s only taking home $275 a week. Meanwhile, our house payment is something like $900. That leaves shit for food, electricity, plus extras like phone time and internet access.

I still think this struggling is going to go on for many more months. I mean, I just can’t imagine him finding a really good job just like that. It takes years to work your way up to really good pay. Jobs that pay really well from the get-go are few and far between. God wouldn’t be that nice to us anyway, and lead him to a good job right off the bat. Like I said before, though, what’s the point of a good job anyway if things are going to come up to set us back? Any extra money we do have only ends up going to repairs half the time.

I’m just so pissed at God for letting this happen! As if we haven’t been screwed over enough? As if we haven’t struggled enough? Setbacks are almost always a bitch to overcome. It may take no time at all to get set back, but it doesn’t take just a few weeks or a few months to climb back up. It usually takes a lot longer than that. I don’t think things will improve (if we don’t lose the house) till between April and June. I just hope to hell that this is one of those rare cases where I’m wrong. What’s discouraging is that so far the only thing I was wrong about concerning money is when the stocks would sell. I didn’t think they’d sell before ’03, but they did. That’s the only financial screw-up I’ve vibed so far so that track record alone is not encouraging.

So, he got in pretty late today what with having to go all the way out to Casa Grande for groceries, so he ate, spent quality time with me and the lovable family vermin, then off to bed he went.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2003
Of the first incense order, my favorites have turned out to be honey, fruit, obsession, baby powder, joy, escape, watermelon, grape, butter rum, bump & grind, hot love, and sexy. Who knows how long it’ll be before I make another order? There are something like 180 more scents I’d like to try, so I’ll probably sample 90 of them next time, then the other 90.

In a couple of weeks or so we’re going to hope to get Little Fella a friend since rats don’t like living alone. I also hope to sell books, CDs and a couple of old Gloria videos in exchange for books at a place in Mesa.

I’m surprised there hasn’t been any mail from Mary so far this week, but I did get a lot more samples. A few tooth-whitening toothpaste samples and lots of skincare ones. One of the skincare companies sent what almost amounted to a small order. I got 4 little jars and 2 little bottles of stuff. I also got lots of toothpaste coupons as well as all-natural sweetener samples that contain fiber.

Later…

So much for hoping it’d be a while yet before people started moving in in front. Someone’s moving into the house closest to us. I can see lights on over there. That really sucks. That’s all the more noise we’ll have to put up with and dogs that will traipse through here. I just hope it’s nothing more than screaming kids and barking dogs because most of that can only be heard outdoors, but if they turn out to blast either car stereos or indoor stereos with doors and windows open, then we’ll hear the thumping in here with no problem. Same goes for loud motors. I hate it when people sit with loud engines idling or when they gun the damn thing. If they don’t have a dog yet, then I guarantee you they will within a week or two. No one lives out here without dogs and guns except us. I’m just glad they’re not just a few feet away!

I still really like this Delaware mannequin site and the way they add new ones quite often, but I don’t like how they never answered my email when I inquired about availability a few months from now on a particular model named Robin. I know there could be a million logical explanations as to why they haven’t responded, but until I know of any, I always think it’s an incompetence thing.

Later…

I heard car doors and an engine idling and looked out front. The lights are now off over there and there’s a van of some kind leaving the property. Perhaps they’re not all moved in just yet which would explain why I haven’t heard new barking yet. I know they’re more than just a few feet away, but I really hate having a house this close to us. When I envisioned us moving here, hearing car doors and barking as well as being able to see over a dozen houses from ours, was not part of the plan. Well, hopefully, hopefully, they won’t come and go so many times a day and they won’t always be home. The more people are home, the more it seems to stir up the dogs, no doubt because they want to come in and be part of the family. It’s so mean the way so many people don’t pay their dogs any attention. I think it’s wrong to either never allow a dog indoors or never allow them outdoors except to piss and shit.

Anyway, as soon as the dog(s) get over there, I’ll probably have to use the sound machine in my office to drown it out so I can concentrate, and just use the fan for sleeping.

They still haven’t put the other house level with the ground and I doubt they ever will. Of course they just had to level the one with the trees blocking it. Meanwhile, why not keep the one in perfect view in even more perfect view by keeping it elevated?

I asked Tom and he said all we could get for this place right now would be $140,000. With property-splitting becoming such a popular trend, that’d make this place all the more valuable in time as sooner or later there won’t be many 10-acre parcels left. I just hope God lets us decide when to move and doesn’t make up our minds for us, but I know better than to count on him for free will or any other kind of freedom of choice. I almost have to laugh when I hear those who say they “gave their lives to the lord.” Meanwhile, I’m always trying to get mine away from him! I’d really, really prefer it if we could make our own decisions most of the time and not have him, fate or others make them for us!

I was watching a talk show earlier about poor women having kids. I know love is more important than money, but it still bugs me to see women have kids who can’t afford them. All they end up doing is putting the responsibility on others or mooching off the state when they do that. If they have an accident, though birth control used properly should very rarely fail, it’s okay if they’re against abortion, but at least give the poor kid up for adoption or to a friend or relative and don’t have any more till you’re financially set. People just don’t think before they act a lot of the time. I guess we’re only human, though. I’ve done some pretty dumb things myself in life.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2003
I decided to call Paula and use some of these minutes up before they expire. She says they put a long-distance block on her phone and so she can’t call me. She asked about the incense, but again, I’m sick of doing for others who won’t do for me so the incense I don’t like is either going to sit here on a shelf or get thrown out. I’m not going to let her keep taking advantage of my generosity. Besides, we’re too broke right now for me to go sending packages. She says she’ll send a letter and $5 to send it, but I know better. Especially the $5 part.

My quads are sore today, that’s how strenuous this treadmill is. I should give my legs a rest today and work on my arms and abs. I’m down to 127 and I had been bouncing between 129-130 for days. I’m really surprised I’m not well into the 130s yet, but I probably will be sooner or later. People don’t just tend to gain weight upon entering their 30s and that’s it. They also tend to gain in 1- to 10-pound increments throughout their lives every 5-10 years.

A bang of some sort woke me up at 9:30, then again at 12:30, but I was ready to get up then anyway. Still, I’m sick of the periodic wake-up calls, and I’m sick of the renter’s fucking dogs having free rein in this place as well!

I guess it’s two to three. The two things I’d miss if we moved would be this house and having a decent convenience store 13 miles away versus the 20-30 it’d be if we moved. However, I still do like the idea of more land, being further away from civilization, and the extra money.

I’m back to thinking I’d prefer outer fences versus inner ones if we stay. We can still do inner ones, but with outer ones, we could be anywhere on the land we wanted to be and not have to worry about dogs. I know, for example, we’re seldom out by the well, but when we are, I’d want to know no dogs could run up to us.

These surveys have proven to be as much of a waste of time as I figured they’d be. On the rare occasion that I do get an offer for a survey in exchange for points or money, all I get is “Sorry, you don’t qualify for this survey.”

What’s going on with us right now is a prime example of why I totally disagree with those who believe we’re in control of our own destinies. Like Tom chose to spend all those years building himself up to where he was just to have someone come and tear it all down for him? Yeah, right! If that’s what people believe, then they might as well also believe I chose to get fat and to have asthma.

So much of my life has been out of my control, that in a sense, I’m surprised God didn’t make a kid part of my plans because then I’d really have no life I could call my own. I really truly believe that life ends with children and so many mothers have told me so. Not that some of them necessarily mind the trade-off, but once you have kids, your life belongs to them and not you at least till they’re on their own.

How strange it would be to have first thought we would lose the house to the welfare bums, then end up losing it to lack of money. I’m just sick of this up-and-down rollercoaster shit. It’s not fair! Each time we get kicked down I’m more afraid to pull back up because we always, always lose whatever we achieve. I’m sick of this ‘sometimes we have money, sometimes we don’t shit. No matter what we do, we just can’t seem to ever get ahead, and when we do, it’s always temporary.

Later…

I didn’t have the power to work my magic on the last 4 tickets, but it seems I’ve warded off cold number two of Tom’s. The morning should tell us for sure.

I told him about the bangs that woke me up, explaining that each time it was one quick bang. This is why I doubt it was a sonic boom. It didn’t have the rumble a sonic boom has and there was no vibration to go with it. Then he told me he heard bangs this weekend when I was sleeping with the fan on and he went out and checked to find it was coming from one of the farms several miles away.

I’ve got to start either sleeping with the fan on at least medium or a lower-pitched sound on the sound machine. It’s usually the low-pitched sounds that wake me up, so I have to match the pitch with the low rumble of the box fan or certain other sounds.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2003
I did some more research concerning weight loss and exercise, but I really didn’t learn anything new. They talked about how one could be fat and fit at the same time as well as skinny and out of shape. Also, one would probably end up disappointed if they thought exercise alone would cause them to lose weight like I did when we first got the Bowflex, and how cutting calories is most important, but that adding exercise should help with the process. Jogging and very brisk walking for an hour should burn roughly 500 calories. Well, I still don’t think I could lose a pound a week like most people probably could by walking an hour a day and watching my calorie intake, but I am going to walk every day for as long as I can stand. I prefer to break it up into multiple spurts rather than do it all at once, though, as working out for long periods of time tends to make a person quite hungry.

Speaking of hunger, ironically, ever since I first took those appetite suppressants I haven’t been hungry all the time like I used to be. In fact, it’s been a week now since I’ve even taken any.

Anyway, I dragged the treadmill out into the living room so I could walk under the ceiling fan. I hate the damn thing and it really, really kicks your heartbeat up like crazy, but little by little I’ll build up the stamina for it like I’ve done before. I’d still prefer a motorized flat treadmill so I could walk steadily, rather than this thing that makes you feel like you’re climbing up a steep hill with a 40-pound sack on your back, but it’s better than nothing. I can’t jog in place as long as I can walk because my feet end up killing me after a while.

Although I don’t have any bad vibes in particular, I still fear we may end up being forced to sell this place. Not just because something doesn’t want us here, but because something likes me to be stuck in places I don’t want to be in, and cities are one of those places. That could happen in between moving to the next place like it did when we moved from Phoenix, although as Tom pointed out, we know more now than we did then.

On the other hand, I really do like the idea of moving to a bigger piece of land further away from people. The only thing I’d miss would be this house, but I know that in time we could build one just as nice if not nicer.

Tom’s going to be looking for jobs as aggressively as he can, then we’ll weigh the pros and cons of all our options and make a decision then. I mean, if he could get a good job soon enough, then maybe we’ll finally, finally, get the damn fences as well as more olies and stay here for another 5 or more years. I asked Tom what his guess was as to whether or not he thinks we’ll move or stay here and fence up, but he hasn’t got a guess. I think we’ll be here a while yet, but I can’t imagine us getting fences anytime soon. We haven’t yet and he was making great money, so I don’t see why we would ever fence this place, particularly the outer perimeters.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2003
Walter and his son finally came to get their damn rig. Good. Now I don’t have to sleep with the fan on high, which I don’t like to do in the winter as opposed to the sound machine with hopes of it drowning them out but they came after I got up. He left the rig here for a week the last time too because they finished at night and the old junker has no lights.

Typical people, though, not putting their actions where their mouths are. They said they’d haul the metal pipes that were replaced up to the house but didn’t. So like always, we were left to clean up after others. Fortunately, there weren’t too many of them. Tom’s thinking of using them as supports for a carport.

At least I managed to rig one of the two Slingo tickets we got today for $20. I don’t think I’m going to be able to win big for a while, if ever, because we were meant to struggle. What would be the point of God allowing us to win big if he wants to curse us financially like he obviously does? As it is, we’re going to have to use the pennies I’ve been saving up as well as the state quarters we’ve been collecting. It is so, so unfair. Especially at our age and with how hard Tom works.

Imagine how good I could do at psyching winning tickets for others, though, since I’m so good at making money for others. Yes, God definitely sees me as a profit to others. I wouldn’t mind helping a friend like Mary out, though. I mean, why not? If the least I can do is help others, then fine. It’s not like it’d be done at my own expense if she bought scratch tickets and had me try to do my thing. We can try it when she gets out if she wants me to. A lot of people get spooked by the thought of psychics, so I don’t know if she’d want me to try to do it. We’ll see. Unless she’s not meant to have money herself, I really think I could do it.

In other news, my testimonial is now on Incense Galore’s testimonial page. I emailed them and told them I had gotten to like most of the incense and was glad I gave it another chance. Bob, the owner, wrote back saying he was glad to hear it, it meant a lot to him, and could he get me to say something about it for other people with my medical condition? So I provided positive feedback. This ought to get him more business. As I said, I’m a real profit to others, but at least I’m worth something to someone!

I now have $68 that I don’t have.

Tom sealed up the bathroom wall. Once we put joint compound on it, plus the little mini mural, no one will ever know it was cut open.

As for the diet, I never did do it. I figured it’d be pointless to set myself up for failure. I mean, why do something I know I can’t do? Besides, the longer you’re fat, the more you tend to get used to it.

Anyway, I guess I was a real fool to think for even a second that maybe, just maybe, the cock that fired Tom was doing him a favor since he was too nice to put his foot down about all the free work he was doing. Yet he was making more money working for free half the time, as funny as I know that sounds! I always said that something never wanted us here, so this will be a good test to see just how right I am about that one, because if his pay doesn’t increase significantly by February, then we’ll lose the house. He doesn’t think we will, but Tom’s always been an extreme optimist. He always thinks everything will work out. I don’t exactly have any vibes about losing the house myself right now, but it wouldn’t surprise me if we did.

He’s thinking of hooking up with one of the temp agencies to see what they can come up with. That’s how he started at the bank, but the bank cut his pay once he was assigned a permanent position. Either way, he’s probably going to have to quit where he is now to be available for interviews.

When I told Tom just how much I’d miss this house he said we didn’t have to move and that there are other options, but I can’t see any right now. I won’t live here more than a couple more years without fences and plants for privacy and we can’t afford either of those, so I don’t know that staying here will be an option. Besides, as much as I’ll miss this house, I still think we’re a little too close to people. I hear the fucking renter’s dogs barking all night long, and of course those themselves are always hanging out there and it steals my sense of seclusion and peace. I mean, don’t get me wrong; it’s nothing, absolutely nothing compared to the hell we went through in Phoenix, but I still like the idea of our closest neighbors being 20-30 miles away. Then God can stick the always-at-home Mormon family with 20 kids and 10 dogs closest to us and we’ll never know it! As Tom pointed out, most people don’t realize you can make your own electricity and they tend to want to go where there are power lines. I asked him if he thought they’d conveniently figure it out once we moved and come out to join us, but he said it’d be a good 50 years or so before they caught on, and described other things as examples. Things that were possible long before general society realized it, so this is a case where people’s stupidity can be to our advantage. Usually, it’s the other way around because we’re the ones stuck having to pay for stupid people’s mistakes and do the work that they were too stupid to do themselves. I know I may sound conceited, but most people just aren’t like us.

Anyway, Tom says most of the people who buy land in these super remote areas do it as an investment, thinking it’ll make big money down the road.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2003
I could easily walk outside for 20 minutes every day if my schedule and the weather would only permit it. It may not ultimately prevent me from gaining any more weight, but it sure does make me feel good. If I don’t exercise at all I feel like a lazy wimp, so I need to do this to at least stay in shape. I don’t have much privacy what with having to walk to the tune of half a dozen adults yacking and half a dozen kids screaming, but at this distance, it’s no biggie. However, I’d still like to see the day come when our closest neighbors don’t have so many damn people and dogs within their household and are out during the weekdays, but this hasn’t been the case since ’92 and I don’t think it ever will be again.

Since Mary likes word finds and I know how boring jail can be, I took one of my Word Find books and made puzzles for her using the words from it.

I have now sampled all of the incense. Of the 80 scents I got, 15 were bad, 11 were great, and the rest were okay. If I order any more, I’ll get the favorites in bulk quantities. I’m really surprised at the ones that I ended up liking best like the fruity one, for example. It was strong, but not overwhelming and smelled oh so good! Same with the honey.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2003
Today is such a beautiful day, as in shorts and no sleeves. After I fed and petted the cat, I walked for about 15 minutes around the house and the combination of the warm sun and a cool breeze was perfect.

Yesterday, all the pet supplies we ordered arrived. We decided not to send anything back, though my book shopping is going to have to wait. As it is, I have $61 that I don’t have, so to speak. I still hold out the hope that our financial problems will be solved soon enough, but our problems are never short-term. Whenever we’re set back like this it’s usually for months if not years. I know it won’t be years, though, because if we just can’t get ahead and it starts looking like we’re going to lose the house, we’ll just sell it and go on with our plans of more land with a shit trailer and skip the house payments.

Anyway, the cages are really cool, but I don’t know if cleaning them will be that simple. There are a lot of pieces that will need to be taken apart. The one with the glowing wheel isn’t all that impressive, though it’s still a cute cage. It’s just that it doesn’t glow very much, and the cage is very small. The cages are perfect for mice, though.

I also got a slew of beauty samples in the mail and a letter from Bob. He said my jailhouse journals make for good reading, but it’s going slow for him because his eyes are bad.

As is the case with most controlled environments, there are always new rules and changes occurring where he is. The latest one is that they can no longer receive envelopes or stamps, so the 3 envelopes I sent him will go to waste.

I decided not to bother getting the trimmer because I so rarely cut my hair and when I do, I like to cut a few inches. It also needs evening out periodically and the trimmer couldn’t do that.

Later…

Shiny finally got brave enough to enter the house, but he didn’t go very far. I’m sure he’ll go farther and farther each time, and that’s fine with me since he’s declawed and seems to be a gentle, harmless cat, but he’s often filthy with the dirt and weeds he rolls around in. He seems to be getting bigger now that we’re feeding him. His lack of claws would explain why he was so skinny; because he couldn’t kill anything. Anyway, he was in and out a couple of times. Whenever he’d lose his nerve and turn towards the door, I’d let him out so he’d know he’d never be trapped in here. Then, at one point, he saw something outside that I didn’t see and went charging after it. Whatever it was (probably a rabbit) was down towards the utility end of the house and we were in front at the time.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2003
It’s hard to believe it’s the middle of the afternoon. It’s so cloudy and rainy out there that it looks like early morning.

I did it again. Tom got a crossword ticket for him and a Slingo for me and they both won a total of $17! I won lotto points too, and am now up to 1803!

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2003
The well work ended up costing $520. I am so, so mad at God. Utterly furious! How could he let this happen to us? Now’s not the time to be picking on us. Not with his shit job. I can’t stand this regular destruction of our property! I’m so fed up with the fucking setbacks! If he can’t let us get ahead in life, can’t he at least quit kicking us back down? And to let us be kicked down like that at this time is really mean, hateful and compassionless.

Tom said that despite how bad it is being cursed, and he’s always believed there was a curse on him just like I’ve always believed there was one on me, there is some consolation in it. The consolation is knowing he’s not going to be killed in a car wreck or get cancer and die, because what would be the point of killing someone you can’t curse? Something definitely wanted us to live to suffer, though we may not suffer nearly as much as we used to, especially me. I mean sure, paying $520 when we’re broke may be bad enough, but living with Dureen and Art O. was a much greater curse. So was living in the Brattleboro Retreat, Valleyhead, the NHA and Estrella Jail, to say nothing of the nearly 4 years we had to spend living next to the human parasites in Phoenix.

I can relate to what he’s saying, in a sense. There have been times when Tom would be a little late getting home and I’d start getting nervous, reminding myself of how much God hates me and that he’s both capable and cruel enough to take one’s loved ones from them in a heartbeat. Then I think to myself, yes, he hates me. With a passion, too! However, he doesn’t quite hate me that much. Then I see Tom’s car pull in and I breathe a deep sigh of relief.

While we both believe in curses as much as we believe in blessings and the supernatural, we disagree on the cause. Tom thinks he’s cursed just because, but I believe there’s a reason for everything. I don’t know what to think as to why we could be so cursed. Some say we’re being punished for the sins of our forefathers which would be so unfair, though nothing in life is fair anyway. Others say there is such a thing as reincarnation and would suggest that we weren’t very nice people in our past lives and so we’re paying for it in this one.

I don’t know about these theories. I mean, anything’s possible. One thing I do know is that God has a deep hatred toward Jews. That’s been way obvious to me. Why else would he have allowed 6 million of us to be tortured and murdered? No, he definitely likes to pick on the Jews, but why I don’t know. I’m not even Jewish, as far as I’m concerned. Just because my parents were Jewish, doesn’t mean I have to be. I’ve always been as religious as a doorknob and I plan on staying that way, too!

I hate to do it, but I probably am going to put my allowance money towards a little repair fund. We can’t even go 3-6 months without some major breakage, and I want us to be prepared so we won’t have to be so tight when these multi-hundred-dollar repairs are needed.

Walter and his son worked on the well from 9:30 to 7:30. After they left we went to Circle K for some treats because we felt we deserved it. I even got myself a $3 beanbag Gila Monster with bright metallic colors.

On the way there Tom said that he overheard how much Walter pays his son. He gets $2 a link. We have 38 pipes, so that’s $76. I’d say the kid made out really good at our expense. I wasn’t kidding when I said we do a damn good job of making money for others. We’re definitely, definitely a financial asset to anyone but ourselves. If God could’ve spoken to others in regard to me the day I was born, he’d have said, “Use her, abuse her, and make as much money as you can off of her.”

The problem did turn out to be a hole caused by corrosion. It occurred in the very last pipe right above the pump. This pipe was replaced with one of the old plastic ones which aren’t supposed to corrode like metal ones do. So just like the last time, instead of the water being pumped straight up through the pipes, it’d be pumped up out the hole and back down into the ground again. The further down the pipes are, the more susceptible to corrosion they get as there’s more water the further down you go.

These are one of the many catastrophes in life where I’m glad we don’t have kids to make things twice as hard and twice as expensive. I’m also glad, as funny as it may sound, that God isn’t in the habit of answering my prayers. If he had taken Marge when I wanted him to, then who would we run to for money? If this woman doesn’t have empathy enough by now to give us a Christmas bonus this year, she never will.

Tom suggested I try putting a general spell on us and see if it’ll help ward off whatever evil haunts and harasses us, but I doubt I can do that. God’s not going to allow me the powers to do things he doesn’t want done, and again, what would be the point of cursing someone if they’re either dead or able to ward it off?

Sometimes I wonder why we bother to forge ahead when something up there is only going to come and tear down what we’ve achieved. I want so bad to have 5 minutes alone with the cock that fired Tom, but I know that if I ever even so much as thought of fighting back against those who have wronged us, God would punish me all the more, so I’m forced to simply grin and bear it.

Both Tom and I agree that I’m getting better and better at rigging scratch tickets with my mind, but to remove the curse in general? I just can’t imagine being able to do that. Rigging tickets is hard enough as it is because there’s so much I have to mentally alter. I have to rig the call letters/numbers, then the game board part itself, then the barcode where winning tickets are scanned for verification.

I’ve gotten to like some of this incense, though I’m still not sure I’ll ever reorder. Especially not if I’m going to turn my fun money into a repair savings account. As much as I wanted the mannequin, the dolls, the DVD, the trimmer, I know I can do without them. Shopping is fun, but material things aren’t the most important things in life, surviving is. Mary’s stamps are all gone now, so I’ll probably make a point of mailing out just one envelope a week.

I just hope we’re out of here before the next scheduled attack on the well. They’re going after it again in late ’06 or early ’07 and I totally trust my vibes on that one after being right on everything else, including this latest attack which I predicted nearly to the day. On the other hand, this shit will happen to us no matter where we go, and if we go to a place even more remote than this, then that’s all the more reason we’ll have to have a well. We can’t haul water if there’s no one around to get the water from in the first place.

I have to wonder if another possibility I’m cursed like this could be because of the spells I’ve put on those who’ve crossed me or those I care about. But I wasn’t always able to curse others so maybe the reasons for my being cursed fluctuated. Even so, there’s a good possibility that I’ve harmed many people on account of my spells. What goes around really does come around. An example of that is that for years I’d bitch about how my parents were never going to pay for their abuse towards me, but when you think about it, really think about it, you see that they are paying. They lost their daughter forever. For the rest of their lives, they can only wonder about me and hear gossip which they’ll just have to sort through and decide for themselves whether or not what they hear is true. Never again can they know what’s true for real, see me, hear me, etc. I’m forever a memory of theirs. A face in a photograph, a voice on tape, an image on video. That’s all I am. I’m like an intangible entity for them that can never really truly come to life.

Anyway, I really wish I knew what was causing this curse. I kind of think that knowing might be the key to actually doing something about it for a change. Right now all we can do is bitch about it. Still, this is why I constantly analyze the past. We can learn a lot from the past, even if it means we still can’t necessarily change the future. Looking at past curses, like the things that broke and the things I didn’t achieve that I once wanted, helps me to see and recognize any patterns that may be of whatever significance in the end.

A lot of people choose to forget the most depressing, frustrating times in their lives, and that’s all well and good. I’m all for moving on and living for the future. However, I don’t think we should completely forget the bad times because it makes us appreciate the good times all the more. This is why every Wednesday that Maricopa’s supposed to report (I’m sure that will change at some point), I’m thankful I’m not one of the ones who has to report. Every other weekday during the hours of 10 AM-3 PM, I delight in the fact that Scot won’t be stopping by.

The more I think about moving, the more I like the idea, despite the pros and cons I see in it. I don’t like the idea of living in an old dump again, I worry about sonic booms and punishments for moving, but I really like the idea of having no house payments while we build our own castle that we’ll hopefully live happily ever after in till we’re too old to live so far out. I swear, though, if we ever live in the city again it’ll be in a retirement community. I also like the idea of having more land and more spending money. How fun it’d be to have at least $100 a month to play with on top of an unlimited grocery budget!

Later…

It’d be a bizarre sort of karma if Little Buddy’s picture won money. The welfare bums cost us thousands of dollars, yet if it wasn’t for them, there’d be no bottles and this picture wouldn’t exist. I know it’ll never happen, though. Not in a million years. I may win a medal, but that’d be only because I couldn’t do anything with it.

I told Tom I think we should return the cages as soon as we get them and save the money. I can make do just fine with what we’ve got. I still have one Play City cage, 3 tanks, the maze, tubes galore, plus other accessories.

The renters, who were amazingly out of sight and sound all day yesterday, were out burning this evening. They’ve been burning almost every day, though if we had that many people in my household, we’d have to burn that often, too.

I still like to walk outside when it’s too hot for the renters to be out, but I’ve tightened my walking trail. Instead of venturing far out on the sides, I walk around the house, staying pretty close to it. That takes about a minute, that’s how long the house is. So I’d have to circle it 20 times to get 20 minutes of walking put in. Tom recommends walking every other day. That’s what I figured I’d do when my schedule calls for it (I’ll jog indoors when I’m on nights). The question is, do I walk 20 minutes, 30 minutes, 45 minutes or an hour? I guess I’ll just base it on how I feel.

While I was out there, I kept the front and side doors unlocked in case any strays got a little too friendly. It wouldn’t have made sense to open the back door as there are no stairs by it right now. Tom took those stairs and replaced the old, rickety side stairs with them before one of us could fall through and break a leg like I’ve been fearing.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2003
I haven’t written for a few days because I’ve been too pissed off to do so. Let’s just start off by saying that I knew the quick fix on the well was too good to be true. Whatever the problem is this time, I better not find out that this is their fault (the same people that we called out the last time) or else they’re not getting a dime. I told Tom this, too. No more paying for other people’s mistakes. I’ve had enough of that shit. If this is their mistake, then it’s their responsibility to pay for it as well as to correct it.

I’m surprised no nosybodies have come to butt into things as of yet.

I’m just so sick of the setbacks and the breakage!!!!! Why can’t we ever go more than a few months without having to lose time and shell out money to stop and play fix it? I’m seriously considering saving my money and not buying things with it anymore. Too much of our stuff breaks too often and we could really use the money for all these fucking repairs.

Anyway, the well crapped out on us early yesterday morning. The well guy came out late in the afternoon to check it out, thinking the pump had malfunctioned, but Tom was sure it was a short that caused a hole in the pipe. It took two hours to pull up the 760-foot-deep pump. They’re at lunch right now.

The renters just may not be so musicless after all. I can’t swear to it that the music we heard yesterday was theirs and not the middle or furthest rental, but it probably was theirs. We couldn’t hear it inside, but it was annoying while we were out trying to talk to the well guy, Walter. Maybe that’s why they played it; because they saw us standing out there, and if people who like to get other people’s attention see people hanging out and about, then of course they’re gonna make a commotion of some kind. Dan may’ve truly repaired those trucks in which engines he used to gun, but what better way to let the world know you exist? I wasn’t the least bit surprised when he moved. I could tell that anyone who felt the need to get attention that bad where they had to blast their music and gun engines for hours at a time, was a very lonely, isolated person and they needed to be in the city with people.

Anyway, the renters may not be the neighbors from hell like what we had in Phoenix, but they really are annoying at times. Let’s see… they’ve trashed our land, their place is a hell of an eyesore, their dogs are set free to traipse all over our land even though they do have fences in front, and now they’re blasting music. And of course they’re out and about constantly. Another thing that bugs me is the traffic back there. They seem to come and go an awful lot and they don’t just simply do it. They creep in slowly in a vehicle with a loud motor, then they just sit there for a few minutes before turning the damn thing off. I guess the music and extra traffic are connected to whoever the hell they’ve got living in that trailer back there, but it’s really getting old. Their fucking dogs ran up barking to Tom and Walter yesterday when they were out by the well, and while these dogs may’ve been friendly, they’re big scary dogs, too! I’m sick of everyone’s dogs having a free run of our land. See, that’s the problem with so many people out here. They act like they’re the only ones around or like they own the neighborhood. It’s like their land is their land, your land is their land and so is everyone else’s. I just wish they’d settle down, spruce their place up a bit and keep their damn dogs to themselves!

And what about George? He’s got to know it’s illegal for someone to be living in a trailer back there like that. What would it take for him to complain or evict a tenant of his? For them not to pay their rent for a whole year?

Anyway, since we had to stop and play well for the 10th time, the bathroom wall did not get sealed up. He doesn’t like to do much of anything during the week but come home from work, eat dinner by the TV, then do a little computer work before bed, so the wall will have to wait till next weekend.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2003
I was going to return the incense. They even said I could. But then, remembering how bad mice smell as opposed to any other rodent in the world, I decided to keep it. Especially since we got 10 mice today! We’re just not so sure that the small rats we saw will stay small enough for the cages/tubes that should arrive next week, so we got the mice instead. I got 3 Fancy mice and the rest are common mice. They’re all males and all are white, except the Fancies have some grays and tans mixed in. The commons were a little over a buck and the Fancies were 4 bucks, but she let me have them all for the common’s price. If they were all plain white, I’d still be able to tell the Fancies from the commons, as the Fancies are noticeably bigger. I just wish they’d quit fighting!

For now, I have them all set up in one of the old big tanks and the only Play City cage I still have. As always, there’s a Fancy bully in the trio of Fancies. One of them gets picked on pretty badly, but it’s really nothing serious. They won’t kill each other. I hear quite a bit of squeaking, though.

I would still love to have a super jumbo rat, but we can’t seem to find them around here. They do have these giant pouched rats that get up to 17” long, excluding their tails, but they don’t seem to be legal in the US. They’re mainly in Africa.

The only bummer was that the bookstore we went to didn’t exist anymore, so sometime next week we’re going to go to a place in Mesa that says they pay cash for books, tapes, videos, DVDs and CDs. We’ll have about 30 CDs for them, 20 books and 2 Gloria videos.

I love these new Slingo scratch tickets which are a form of bingo. I won $30! I was wrong when I said the most I’d ever won was $25, not just because I won $30 today, but because I also remembered that I won $35 playing bingo in Florida in ’89 on my 24th birthday.

Shiny comes up to me every day now. I’m glad I saved his life like I did. Had I not opened the door when I did, those damn dogs that had him boxed in by the door would’ve killed him for sure.

I’m surprised and glad to have discovered that he’s both neutered and declawed. So he once belonged to someone after all.

I got a letter from Mary yesterday. Now when am I going to hear from Bob? Anyway, Mary said she loves the Red Hot Barbie and that even one of the officers commented on her picture which I had printed on the back of the envelope. She loves the word find puzzles too, so I made her up one with words she requested, plus a few of my own with subjects like animals, recreation, and food and beverages.

I noticed my computer was sounding funny and it smelled like burnt plastic in my office. Well, it turned out that my fan died, so Tom replaced it, along with a new power supply box.

Tomorrow, since there have been no more leaks, fortunately, he’s going to seal up the bathroom wall.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2003
Gosh, I really wish I could get some weight off! 10 pounds, just 10 pounds. I’d gladly settle for just that at this point. I had 3 pairs of long pants that fit, but one’s now too tight and the elastic around the other ancient pair stretched out and broke. So now I have just one pair of winter pants. I’m going to try again to make one last attempt to lose weight, but I just don’t know if I can do it. I haven’t been able to lose weight for 2 or 3 years now. I’m going to try to keep myself on a day schedule for as long as I can and walk outdoors for a half-hour to an hour every day while I limit my calories to about 1200 a day, excluding coffee and gum. The walking should burn anywhere from about 100-350 calories. I wish I could walk outside year-round at any time of day or night, but with no moon, I could never see where I was going and it’d be too dangerous to walk during the summer nights when it was cooler because that’s when the rattlers are most active.

When I’m done with the laundry and exercising, I’m going to run through the final proofreading of my story which is now done. It’s a short story, but I think it came out well even so. It’s quite suspenseful. There’s more murder and less sex in this one, I suppose you could say.

I don’t know if Mary will like it. She strikes me as the type to prefer romance over murder mysteries and suspenseful stories such as I tend to write.

My nose treats came yesterday, but so far they all seem to smell the same. The grape one does sort of smell like what it’s supposed to be, but for the most part, they seem to smell more like smoke, like incense, than anything else. Nonetheless, this glorified cigarette smoke is okay, I guess. It covers any foul odors and I’ll definitely use them all up. I just don’t think I’ll ever make a second order. The things smell better unlit than lit. I guess they are breakable too since they’re such flimsy sticks. That’s why they wrapped them in newspapers.

Now for the best and most shocking news of the day. Little Buddy’s picture, “Hiding Amongst the Bottles,” made the finals in the photo contest!!! This is the picture of him peering up from inside a box of bottles when I was doing community service. I photocopied the letter for Mary, though I don’t know if it’ll make it in to her. If not, I’ll just tell her about it, but anyway, it was cool to see the picture’s title with the copyright symbol and my name along with it. I guess within the next month the judges are going to make their final decisions. One person gets the $1,000 prize while 40 people get a silver medal and 73 get a bronze medal. Then someone gets the annual prize of $10,000.

So my Little Buddy, now dead almost a year, shines on from beyond the grave. How I still miss him so! I remember I cried hysterically when I was around 14 and I lost my first guinea pig, Penny, yet I quickly got over it. Never has a pet touched me so much that I can still shed tears for him a year after his death. Meanwhile, I couldn’t cry for Scuttles, Houdini or Ratsy no matter how hard I tried and I loved those rats dearly. Same goes for Piggy who we had for 4 of the 6 years we lived in the Phoenix house.

I’d be both surprised and not surprised to win a medal because it’s not money. However, I can’t imagine God allowing me to win any of the money prizes. The most I’ve ever won was $25, so $1,000 or more would be quite a jump from that. I’d think it’d count as me making money and that’s an obvious no-no.

Later…

Now I have the vanilla nut burning. Once again, I’d never have guessed that that’s what’s supposed to be burning. It just smells like fancy smoke to me. So far the only one that had a subtle smell of a distinct kind was the grape.

My tight pants are good for walking. That way I know they’re going to stay put. I take the mace with me just in case a big dog decides to get a little too friendly on me, but neither of us has had a problem yet with vicious dogs, so I doubt we ever will. If you go onto a dog’s territory, that’s one thing, but when they come onto yours, it’s another. I counted this time and determined that it took 4 minutes to make a rotation and not 3 which means 15 rounds would equal an hour of walking. Damn, it’d take close to 10 minutes to walk around the land’s perimeters!

Anyway, I’m making one last try to get down to 120 pounds which is just 7 pounds away. You think to yourself – 7 pounds? That’s nothing. But it most certainly is when you have no metabolism and are my age. I’m worlds away from 120, trust me. I may as well be asking to lose 70 pounds and not 7.

In a week or two Tom will be quitting his job. He’s going to have to in order to be available for job interviews for jobs that pay better. At least, like he said, this is the prime time of year for finding jobs, and I did have positive money vibes between November 23rd and December 27th, but I’m not a fortune psychic, so I don’t know if I trust my vibes. I didn’t sense making the finals, that’s for sure! I’m only sensitive to grim happenings, so it seems. That affects people’s health and seeing past events and places I’ve never been to.

Later…

So far the only incense sticks that are okay are strawberry, grape and sexy. I think I really would prefer the perfume bottles, sprays and scented cartridges. That way I can have the smell without the smoke. In fact, I emailed them and asked if I could return what I haven’t used, but I doubt they’ll go for it. I think they’ll only take things back that are damaged.

Meanwhile, I found a small gift set for $19 at Walmart with White Shoulders perfume, body lotion, and some other little bottle of cologne. I hope I can get it in person. That way we can get out of the shipping costs. See, this is why I wish I weren’t a doll collector or was getting more spending money per month. Think of all the new clothes, perfume and other items I could get if I didn’t have to tie up so much of my money with dolls because of how expensive the ones I like are.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2003
Not surprisingly, kids and adults are parading around in back right now, but they’re quiet. Especially since I’m indoors and on the other side of the house. I’m glad they’re quiet, but I still wish there were only one or two childless, dogless adults over there with one or two vehicles that were always parked in front and not at the sides or in back as well. I also wish there wasn’t someone home all the time, too.

I wish I could get up early every morning. At least throughout the cooler months. That way I could do what I did this morning and exercise outdoors. I walked briskly along the front wash, down by Meadow Green, up along the back wash towards next door, then circled around again. I calculated that it takes about 3 minutes for each round, so 10 rounds would make a half-hour of walking.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2003
I’d say that the water pills weren’t affecting my metabolism, after all. I’m not surprised either. I think I’m just nearly 38 years old and that’s what’s affecting it. What’s more of a surprise is how much more energy I’ve had since quitting the vitamins. I never would’ve thought they’d cause such sluggishness if Tom hadn’t mentioned the fact that vitamins do that to him. So I decided to increase my workouts now that I have more energy. I know it won’t cause me to lose weight, but why not make myself even healthier and even more fit? One thing’s for sure and that’s that I may be fat, but I sure am fit! I can jog for quite a long time. I’m going to alternate between jogging and brisk walking for a half-hour a day, plus do my crunches.

Mr. Predictable read more of my story on Sunday. He agrees that the third-person style is better. First person is better for true stories like in Mary’s book.

Speaking of Mary, I got a letter from her a couple of days ago along with drafts. When I wrote back to her I gave her Paula’s address and explained to her that although I think she’s beyond help, maybe she can write about her case. After all, she did say it’d be worth it if she only helped just one person. I told Paula she may write, too. Normally, I don’t buddy mix, but because we don’t all live in the same town, it’s okay, and Paula’s someone I’ll never see again. She’s just a voice on the phone. One I spoke to yesterday. She too, says my haircut makes me look younger.

Mary’s got me confused as to why Jose’s in prison. Or as to which story José told her, that is. I thought he was supposedly in for a murder connected to a drug deal gone bad. I thought the story was something about him witnessing a drug-related murder that he didn’t report, but now he’s supposedly in for killing a man who raped him. Tom and I both are very skeptical about that one. I think he just killed someone, plain and simple. I think he didn’t get what he wanted, he got pissed, and so he killed the dude. He was probably either buying or selling drugs and felt he was being ripped off somehow.

I wonder how Mary can be so damn naïve, but I don’t think it’s so much that she’s naïve as it is that she needs someone to believe in, and again, I don’t have to repeat what kind of man attracts her. It’s a form of masochism, so I read. They seek abusers because they either feel that’s all they deserve or they like the thrill of living on the edge. This is what I think is more Paula and Mary’s case. People like Tammy, on the other hand, seek abuse and misery to be pitied and or to be admired for forbearance.

This Saturday we’re going pet hunting and to the bookstore to hopefully sell some books and CDs and get some new books. Maybe, if I’m extremely lucky, I’ll find the Charlie’s Angels DVD there, but I doubt it.

I can’t wait for my incense! It was shipped on Monday. There’s a slight possibility that it could come today, but I think tomorrow’s more likely. At least it’s not something I have to worry about being broken and they seem to be reliable as far as not misdelivering things.

Not surprisingly, Netflip ripped me off. They keep saying they’ll “look into it,” but never do. And I’m sure they got a little help from above, too. It’s what I get for trying to make money.

I found a definite split end in one of Bailey’s hairs which confirms my suspicions…her hair is human.

We decided that if we were going to move, we might as well hunt for land in one of the states that allow internet gambling. Right now my guess is that we’ll move within the next 5 years to either somewhere in Arizona, Nevada, New Mexico or Texas, probably Nevada.

The renters are being annoying right now. Yeah, it’s that time of year again. Someone back there’s decided to take up Dan’s old job of engine gunning.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2003
Yesterday was a fun day. We each flew one of the Barbie kites. They flew quite well and for quite some time, too. I hooked mine to the well and he hooked his to the house and they flew themselves for a while.

We also both won two different scratch tickets. He won $2 and I won $15.

Tom normally does the grocery shopping early Saturday morning, but since we went out Saturday morning, he did it yesterday morning and we got Shiny some cat food. He sure is skinny.

I asked myself what I wanted more, another really nice doll or a mannequin and the answer is a mannequin. I have other nice dolls, but no mannequin yet, so I decided this is it, I’m going to save up for one for once and for all, but definitely won’t get one from that Bay area place. They’re just too expensive there. There are 3 possibilities - the place in Colorado, the place in Delaware, or the Netherlands. I could save money by getting one with molded hair that Tom could sand down so I could throw a wig over it, but I’d rather not have to do that. I’m hoping the Delaware site will have something by the time I have the money saved up. Their used wigged mannequins are pretty comparable to the Colorado site’s new molded-haired ones (they don’t have any used ones).

I already have $28 saved up, plus the $138 I’ll be getting in Christmas and birthday money. I’ll need about $300, so I need to save up $140 more.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2003
I only slept 5 hours yet woke up feeling as refreshed as ever. I can’t say that quitting the vitamins necessarily makes me need less sleep, but it does give me more energy. I’m sluggish a lot less often.

Two days ago it warmed up enough that I needed to put the AC on for a few hours, but now it’s cool again.

If I didn’t know any better, I’d swear the renters were Mexican welfare bums. The only thing that reminds me that they’re not is the lack of music, but they sure know a lot of people. I still think they’re Mormons and so they have large families. Anyway, someone’s been living behind them in a trailer similar to what we stayed in for about a week now which is supposed to be illegal unless you’re setting up a house you’re going to move into like our case was, and of course, George won’t complain about it. I haven’t heard or seen them and they’ve done a better job at keeping their trash to themselves, but the place really does look horrible.

However, we did some talking and now I don’t know if we’ll bother planting more things. I think we may be moving sooner than we first thought. They’re offering 160-acre parcels an hour north of Phoenix for $80,000. The idea is to get something like that and an old $20,000 piece of shit to live in while we built our own house. If we did this, we’d have no house payment. All we’d need to really pay for would be food and fun stuff. This would certainly eliminate the stress of having an $8-an-hour job, and we’d be able to put away money and save it for emergencies.

I like the idea of moving more and more, though I’ll probably feel a twinge of sadness when we do like Tom did when we left Phoenix because there are happier memories for me here than there were there. There, he didn’t have bad asthma and the need to struggle to quit smoking like I did. He also wasn’t as affected by next door’s shit as much because he was a heavier sleeper. Lastly, whether or not he was truthful about wanting a kid, he didn’t want one as bad as I once did. Plus, that house was an old dump, and like most guys, I don’t think he cares as much about size, age and appearance as we ladies tend to. Either way, this house isn’t completely untainted. Seems to me I remember a certain black pig tainted this house 4 years ago, along with 11 visits from Scot, to say nothing of the stress the blacks and Mexies caused us.

Surprisingly, my weight’s holding steady. The suppressants really help. I mean, I’m too old to lose weight and I know that, but they seem to be keeping me from gaining any more. Tom and I both agree that the suppressants they sell in the grocery store are pretty comparable to this overpriced stuff I’ve been getting. After all, if it were that much different, then you’d need a prescription for it.

Anyway, yesterday turned out to be rather fun. We were pretty productive, and for once I felt like things were finally starting to get done around here. First we went to Denny’s for breakfast. It was mobbed yet the people were civilized enough. We didn’t have any little kids screaming in our ears or throwing food at us. I got the steak and egg dinner and he got an omelet.

Then we went to Home Depot where he showed and explained to me why the porches shouldn’t cost a fortune or take forever to build. We also browsed through the nursery section and we both agree that 5-gallon plants are a little small for this place, so we’ll probably go with the 15 or higher when we go to get palms and olies. They had some huge queen palms for $149. We didn’t get any outdoor plants, but for just $10, I got an indoor palm! For just $5, I got a cheap black plastic pot with an attached drain pan and I sort of wish I’d gotten all plastic pots. They may not be as nice looking, but they sure are cheaper and they sure do make moving the plants a lot easier, too. However, the ceramic ones do provide more stability for the heavier ones.

Anyway, it’s so cool looking and is nearly 7’ tall. I’m glad I didn’t get the $50 fake one. I was surprised as I didn’t know palms could live indoors. The guy there said they’re good for indoors as well as patios and are slow-growing plants. All the tropical ones seem to grow slowly. I’m surprised it’s a majesty palm. I thought it looked more like a queen or a date palm.

I saw an older big-leaf plant and was like – wow! You mean mine will get that big someday? It was huge! Its leaves were easily comparable to a beach towel. I could cover this big old body of mine with some of the bigger leaves easily. The stems and leaves arched way up over my head. I realize, seeing how slowly mine’s grown in the 6 months I’ve had it, that this plant I saw must’ve been many years old. Like maybe 6 and mine’s probably about 3.

We also picked up 4 60-pound bags of cement to finish putting the posts up with.

The only disappointment was at the pet store. In the past they’ve always had a good selection of various-sized rats, but not this time. All they had were a few jumbos and a pile of albino feeders. We ordered the cages and accessories, but we’ll have to wait and get the rats at another store next weekend.

The best news of all is that we fixed the master bath’s shower leak. Amazingly, Tom found and fixed the problem within minutes of cutting away a couple of panels with a big sharp razor. Our first thought was that we screwed it up when we increased the pressure, but no, as always, it’s someone else’s mess we gotta clean up after. The stupid Mexicans ruptured the plastic pipe with a nail at the factory, so little by little, it’s been leaking ever since. Using a special glue along with a rubber clamp, Tom sealed it up.

The original plan was to wallpaper that bath, but then I came up with a better idea that would cost us a lot less and save Tom a lot of extra work, too. That monster bath is 8x14 and would need 18 rolls of wallpaper which would cost around $200. If we throw a little door-size mural over the area he cut out and is going to patch up so long as it stays dry for a good week or so, then that’d be just $20. I was thinking of a beach scene for in there and horses for the bedroom and retreat doors which would look great from the bed when those doors are shut. There’s a scene with a brown horse staring out of a stall in a barn, then there’s one with a white horse.

As for the very screwed up living room mural – that will get redone too, and so the whole thing will cost about $120. There’s a large garden mural I like for that wall.

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Last updated July 13, 2024