August 2003 in 2000s

SUNDAY, AUGUST 31, 2003
Two Divas down, one more to go in the series. Yes, I won the doll! I’m actually quite happy about it too rather than bummed because I’m not in as much debt as I thought I’d be. Only about $14, and assuming his mom gives Tom her famous $20 bill, I’ll be just $4 in debt. Anyway, if I thought getting a $55 diva for $30 was a great deal, this one’s even greater at just $20! I can’t believe I got a total of 10 Barbies on their way to me for just $35! The set of 9 is coming from an individual in CT and the black Gone Platinum doll’s coming from CA. So, there are just two more Barbies I want, unless I spot another grab bag for sale and or auction like I did with the set of 9. If they’re in good condition and are dressed in the types of outfits I like, I may go for it. It’s a lot of fun. I was really surprised not to find an email waiting for me when I got up saying I’d been outbid.

I’m going to be pissed if Mary doesn’t call soon. She, Dave, Mom, Bobby and Maria were to meet at the casino today, then call Tom when they were leaving so he could go visit. To stand him up would be really rude. Much ruder than it was when they couldn’t even do a simple little thing like I asked and email me about the damn beauty supplies.

The bitch is still having her many illnesses and injuries, and Mary’s not like Tammy. Meaning, she’s no hypochondriac. I know for sure she’s had the shingles like she told Tom she did and has been really sickly and I know why, too.

I think the mesquite tree has finally begun to grow, but I don’t think it’ll grow many feet a year.

We agreed to set a deadline on whether or not we do more work on the front and back doors to lessen their leaks. They’re shit doors we never should’ve gotten so we could never make them 100% leak-proof. Anyway, the plan is to work on them if we don’t have porches by then which means we’ll be working on them in January since our plans rarely work out.

I’m so pissed because I’m up to 129 pounds. Most people’s problem is that they can’t lose weight and that I could live with, but I can’t stop gaining! So now I’m forced to go on a diet and go hungry so I don’t end up gaining hundreds of pounds. I hate this forced diet thing! If we’re supposed to have free will in this life, then where’s mine? Losing weight has gotten harder and harder. It’ll take me a month of struggling to get down to 125, then in a few days, I’ll be right back up to where I am. Getting down to 120 is now virtually impossible for me. They weren’t kidding when they said it gets harder with age. I didn’t believe it because most people tend to exaggerate, but this is no exaggeration! So I’ll try to limit my calories to 1200 a day and walk a half hour or more a day along with my weight-lifting I do 2-3 times a week.

As for sex, well, like I said it’s being put off till the last minute. It bothers me too, as it makes me feel like I’m the lowest priority and this is what dampens my own appetite. Who knows, maybe we won’t do anything at all, and if we do, it wouldn’t surprise me if we do just manual and oral stuff which Tom will call “getting back into the swing of things,” then end up never screwing. To tell you the truth, I can’t say I’d be bummed out if we didn’t. I hate that starting-all-over-again feeling! It does not tickle.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 30, 2003
My first diva doll came today! She’s way nice.

I also won 9 Barbies for just $15.50! This isn’t from a store, though. It’s from an individual in Enfield, CT. She’s been an eBay member since ’99 and has no negative feedback, so I’d say she’s trustworthy. These aren’t new, boxed Barbies. They’re from her daughter’s collection, but she says they’re in good condition. It looks like all but two are dressed. I’ll describe them when I get them. Even if I ended up liking only a few of them, it’d still be a hell of a deal. I think I’ll like more than that, though.

eBay’s so much fun that who knows when I’ll start saving for the expensive dolls again? I’ll get back to them one of these days. There’s no hurry.

Once again, though, I hope I lose the other auction I bid on. Boy, was I dumb on that one! As for the other diva I want, well, I bid on the CA diva this morning before thinking to check if the NM was bid on or bought because if I’d checked and found that it had a bid like it was, I’d have just gone and bought the CA one. Once a bid’s been placed, though, the ‘buy it now’ option usually goes away.

If I win this, I’ll go from being glad I lost to being pissed I won and back in debt again, too! I only have $20 right now.

Anyway, there are a few more Barbies I really want, and then I’ll get off the Barbie trip and start saving for the nice porcelains.

No knockers today. Guess that means they’re going to return on Tuesday, but at least Tom’s right about them not being pigs. Pigs don’t take weekends off.

Tom’s going to make attempt number 10 to see his mother tomorrow, and then the next day, the shooters will be at it again during the daylight till around April.

I’m still managing my day schedule, though I sure wish I could sleep till I wake up on my own tomorrow. Can’t do that, though. If I do, I’ll end up sleeping till 11:00 which means I won’t get to sleep before 3 AM which means I’ll have to get up just 5 hours later and that’d be a bit hard on me.

Tom mentioned us “getting active” again but knowing him he’s going to put it off till the last minute which would mean late afternoon on Monday. One of the things that bored me to tears in the past when it came to sex was the predictability. It was always at the end of the weekend, just a few hours before he’d go to bed.

Although I’m still working out to keep strong and fit, I’ve given up on dieting. You have to have a metabolism if you’re going to go on a weight-loss diet. There’s really no other way around it. Trying to lose more than a few pounds with no metabolism would be like trying to drive a car with no gas.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 29, 2003
Again the door knocker came. This time it was just before 2:00. For a moment I was tempted to settle my curiosity and see who they were and what they wanted, but decided against it. If I am about to be framed again by our Jew-hating wacko blackos, let them either kick their way in or leave a calling card of some kind. The fact that they haven’t left a business card or a note of any kind is what worries me.

They knocked with a cop’s knock – loud, long and persistent, though they did give up quicker than yesterday. They knocked on the front door, went around to the side, then returned to knock again on the front door before leaving. It was the same vehicle, but it may’ve been a different guy. Yesterday’s guy was grayer with jeans and a T-shirt. This one, who appeared to be in his late 30s to early 40s was dressed up a little more in beige shorts, shoes with socks, and a short-sleeved shirt with a few buttons in front. They carried nothing in their hands this time. This gives me a little bit of hope that it’s not someone up to no good. If they were taking me to court again on more bogus charges, wouldn’t the person be holding a subpoena? And if it was a detective, wouldn’t they have left a card? They couldn’t call us so easily because we don’t have our old phone number and cell phone numbers aren’t so easy to get. You can’t look them up in phone books or call information for them.

I just hope this and the loud music I’ve been hearing at night aren’t nasty omens of trouble to come! I can’t shake the feeling that something doesn’t want me here and that it wants me in places I don’t want to be, with absolutely no control whatsoever. Past patterns worry me, too. Meaning, God doesn’t give me much more than a few months between long-term problems and I feel like these people are going to haunt me forever. Even if I never see them again, as long as I live here where they know where I am, I’m always going to jump out of my skin when someone comes knocking. I hope I’m just being paranoid, but I can’t help but wonder about all kinds of horrible scenarios like the pig erasing all forms of documentation saying I’m off probation, making me look like an absconder. I don’t think he could do that and if he could, I have my own documentation, along with Scot’s word. I just don’t want any hassles! The question is, are they going to return tomorrow or next week? They acted as if they knew someone was home, but then again, the truck out there would give that impression there might be. I don’t know, it’s just that people like JO and JN don’t give up. They just don’t know the meaning of the word quit! If this is connected to them in any way, then I’m 100% right when I say there’s no end to their shit. Especially as long as I live in Arizona.

I try to console myself with the fact that I didn’t do anything, but I also didn’t do anything in the past either, but send some journals with a piece of my mind enclosed. How was I to know the pig was friends with her and would fabricate other evidence which, unlike the journals, would be incriminating in this state? That’s the whole problem right there. If they can stalk and harass me through the courts once, I’m sure they can do it again. And white undercovers would be exactly what they’d send out too, if this is connected to my enemies. If they have any sense, then they should know I now know that uniforms mean deception and trouble and they certainly wouldn’t send any non-whites out by themselves.

I hope I can convince Tom not to open the door if they come back tomorrow. Unless they come when he’s outside being a slave to the vehicles, of course. It’s just that I don’t want to make it easy for anyone with bad intentions of any kind.

Who knows, maybe they really are some seriously lost handymen, though I’d think they’d have figured out by now where the hell they’re supposed to go.

For a brief moment, I wondered if it could be the guy who came to question us about buying property around here, but I think that guy was taller and skinnier. However, his knock wasn’t like it was when he came to talk to us and what the hell would he want with us this desperately?

Could it be connected to his suit against the bank? Teddy Bear?

I looked through the binoculars and haven’t yet been able to spot a dark red pickup in front where they’re still drilling unless it’s parking where I can’t see it from here.

Anyway, my guess is that they’ll be done drilling today, but we’ll see. I just wish it was two hours from now when Tom will be home! I left him a message, though, just in case anything happened to me, though I don’t think I have to worry about any physical harm coming to either one of us. I hope not! I mean, this man looked like I could take him with one arm tied behind my back, but if he pulled a gun on me that’d obviously change really fast.

Later…

My doll hasn’t arrived yet. With my shit luck, it’ll arrive tomorrow and not be in the locker, so I end up having to wait till Tuesday, since Monday’s Labor Day.

Anyway, Tom says it’s definitely not pigs knocking on the door and is sure that they’d come in marked cars with a bogus story just like before if they were to come out. He thinks they’ll come out again tomorrow, so we’ll find out what the hell they want then. It could be anything from them seeing we started to put up a fence and wanting us to hire them to finish it, to something about the neighborhood. I wish to hell we could have fences, but I’ve already accepted the fact that we never will.

Today Tom’s mom is 80 years old. I wonder if Art and Doe sent her a birthday card? I still can’t believe Mom would be so cold as to correspond with them after I asked her not to and told her I’d had a lot of problems with them. If someone I cared about asked me not to bother with someone who had hurt them, then I wouldn’t. It’s not like they’re buddies anyway, and as her daughter-in-law, I’m the one she should be respecting, not them. It’s okay, though. She can’t have that many years left and then we’ll be a little richer. I just wish she didn’t have so many kids!

My current auction plans are to try to bid a buck on the one in California that’s starting bid is at $14.99 and ends Sunday. If I lose, I’ll just buy the one in New Mexico outright for $15.99 +$6.50 s/h. This one doesn’t end till Tuesday, so hopefully no one will bid on it come Sunday.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 28, 2003
I had a little scare at 11:00 this morning when there was a knock at the door while I was at the computer. They not only knocked long, loud, and as persistently as a cop, they knocked on all 3 doors! Naturally, in light of all I’ve been through, I thought the freeloaders were up to no good again. Remembering how I feared they’d pull something before or after the end of the probation, I thought, oh no! They were probably taken by as much surprise as I was to learn my probation would end early, so that leaves after the fact to fuck with me.

I did catch a glimpse of the person at one point. It was a middle-aged white guy who was carrying a water bottle in one hand. He had a fairly new and large dark red pickup with a built-in tool compartment.

I called and left Tom a message about it. He’s pretty sure it was a handyman based on my description and said that he was probably persistent if he had a job to do in the area because if he was late or unable to find the site the job was at, that’s money he loses.

When I asked why he’d carry a water bottle, pig or not, Tom said that’s what they usually do out in rural areas, especially when it’s so hot.

I hope this was all it was about. I don’t have any bad vibes and I haven’t had any warning dreams, though I do have dreams of being locked up again from time to time. I just assumed this was natural after all the times I was locked up in various kinds of places. In fact, these dreams, along with dreams of my parents, will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. It’s just that while undercover pigs may be corrupt, they’re not stupid. A guy in jeans and a T-shirt sporting a water bottle and that type of vehicle would make a damn good cover. Nonetheless, if it is connected to any enemies, they’ll be back and I’ll be waiting.

I doubt they were looking for potential houses to break into since this would be a hell of a risky place to do it. Not because there are lots of neighbors close by as potential witnesses, but because everyone has guns out here, and if the owners happen to come home, you can’t exactly make a quick getaway in the way that you could in the city.

We’re thinking of getting a regular phone again, but without the extras, so we can have a phone that’s reliable and just use one of the cells.

I might’ve forgotten to mention this, but Mary asked me what I’d do if I were raped by another woman. I don’t know what inspired her to ask this. I mean, I don’t know if something happened to either her or José or what. I asked, but I won’t count on an answer. In fact, I’m cutting down my questions to those I write to because asking questions that never get answered gets old. Anyway, I told her that on a not-so-serious note, if it were a young Kate, Gloria, Linda or Palma, I’d ever so gladly let them do it! On a serious note, I probably wouldn’t report it for two reasons. For one, I wouldn’t trust the shit system. First the pigs make it out like it’s the victim’s fault, then the courts rape the victim all over again, and if the perp did do any time, it’d be for 5 minutes, then they’d get out and rape again. Secondly, I know God would protect my rapist and keep them from any form of punishment be it for 5 minutes or 100 years. I really, really believe that; about God protecting my perps. It’s not something I just say out of exasperation. I know this to be a fact from 37 years of experience and there’d be no point in trying to tell myself otherwise.

It looks like I’ll be getting another one of the divas (Gone Platinum) this weekend. I can get her for less than the December Barbie and that’s including shipping! That is unless someone buys her before then.

I wish I could talk myself out of mannequins and big porcelain dolls and into collecting just Barbies since they’re so much cheaper, but there are really only a few more Barbies that I really like, so I think I’m going to get those, then go back to saving up for the better, more expensive dolls even if it takes me forever.

eBay may not be the best place for getting a mannequin, but it sure is when it comes to Barbies. I guess that’s because there are so many of them and they’re so popular. Not the birthstones, though. The average birthstone Barbie is in the 30s, base pay. Why pay that when you can walk into a Walmart and get one for $25?

Later…

Just as I figured it would be, this has been one active monsoon season. It’s been raining nearly every day! It’s coming down really hard right now.

My cartridges came on time and intact, but no doll yet. I think it’ll come tomorrow or the next day. I’ll probably get one this weekend too, and then September will be the start of our new budget till someone cuts out our extra spending money completely.

We decided to hold off on getting a dog till the rats die, then we’ll get smaller rats that don’t roam around loose like these jumbos do. Of course, as excited as I am about having a dog, that doesn’t mean I’m in a hurry for these rats to go belly-up too soon, either.

I did some online research for my book. Love in Disguise was set in the desert, Julie & Jill was near the beach, so I thought the woods would be nice for this one, Sacrifices, though I didn’t want a place that got cold and snowy which I hate. After investigating, I settled in on the small town of Ukiah, an hour north of Sacramento. I’m not going to bother with chapters or dates this time around.

It occurred to me that I never wrote a brief summary of Julie & Jill. Well, Jill’s this hot-headed Italian with a serious personality and Julie’s a flaky nut, though she’s not stupid. They meet when Julie goes for an exam in a clinic where Jill works as a nurse. They’re instantly attracted to each other, and that evening Jill picks Julie up when she spots her walking along the street. They have dinner and end up hitting it off, though Jill’s reluctant at first, not used to characters like Julie.

Then Julie’s crazy neighbor dies and she’s charged with her murder since the two never got along. Julie then pins the blame on the boyfriend whom she framed while Jill learns that Julie’s mother tried to kill her for insurance money and her father committed suicide.

Julie’s soon freed and the boyfriend is charged, then when Jill snoops into Julie’s journal and learns she’s the real killer, Julie shoots Jill before she can have a chance to react either way.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 26, 2003
What is it with these thunderstorms erupting late at night and early in the morning? At this time of year, they’re supposed to occur in the late afternoon/early evening. Makes me think I should forget about being on days for a while. After not getting to bed till midnight, I was woken up at 6 AM.

What? Is it my compensation for not having a million appointments or my compensation for winning a $60 Barbie on eBay like I did last night for just $30? That includes shipping, too. Yes, I won one of the 3 dolls in the diva series, All That Glitters. This is a Hispanic doll with long wavy brown hair with blondish streaks. She wears a gold metallic mesh halter top and an orange skirt with dots of glitter. I want to aim for a white version of Red Hot and then a black version of Gone Platinum. I’ll try for one of them this weekend. As Tom taught me, it’s best to wait until the last few minutes of each auction. That’s when all the action takes place.

I got a little worried there for a minute because I bid on this doll a second time around before I even checked my email and learned that I won her! The computer stalled when I hit the submit button to submit my final bid which I waited to do when there was less than a minute left. Then it said that that auction had ended, so I assumed I lost that one. So I tried again and bid $8.50 on one that was currently bid at $3.75 with 6 hours left to go. Tom said not to worry and that he was sure I’d lose. Sure enough, much to my delight, I was outbid an hour later. I never thought I’d be so glad to lose! Meanwhile, the one I won should be here on Friday. It’s coming priority mail from CA.

As for Dalene, the more I think of her the less appealing she is to me, but if I can get a good deal on her through eBay, then sure, I’ll take her. Meanwhile, I’d rather not pay 50-something dollars for her. If I can get her for $35 or less, that’d be cool.

My cartridges made it to Phoenix early this morning and will be delivered tomorrow. I told Mary not to send me her book back as it gets rather expensive for me to turn around and send her copies. She has enough of a book where the ink and paper alone are a bit costly. I hope she’ll hang onto it till she’s out.

Her family said no to paying me to kite the letters, not to my surprise. See, I must work for free! Jose’s mother’s been doing the kiting, though. Wouldn’t this make Mary warier of what she said what with having to send it to his mother? Either way, she can have the job and I’ll stick with the typing.

She also said she never thought for a minute that I took her money which was nice to hear.

I never got a reply from Chuck for her which makes me think he’s either away or ignoring her, because in a sense, what she asked of him is illegal, whereas people like us who aren’t lawyers can simply “play dumb,” but not until she’s out of there.

I also haven’t gotten any email from the other Mary, but that doesn’t surprise me in the least. It’s sad, though, when people can’t do the simplest of things. Such a little, little thing, asking them to email me and let me know if they’re going to order from Yves or not. Why do so many people act like the simplest of requests are so damn hard? On the other hand, these are people who don’t exactly like me, so even if they were interested in the stuff, I doubt they’d order simply to keep me from getting the $30 certificate. Well, I’m not going to ask them about it in an email because I know they’ll just ignore me as will Paula who I spoke to yesterday. She claims she’s going to send me the form along with a money order because she’s not sure what to do, though I wrote out simple instructions for her to follow. Paula is retarded to a degree, so I can’t totally fault her, but I can for lying. I mean, I knew damn well and good that it was bullshit as soon as the words were out of her mouth about her sending me this and so did she. If I asked her about it in a week, she’ll swear she did send it. I know her.

She’s still living on the edge, loving conflict and violence, though no one’s been around to give her the beatings she so obviously adores because Miguel’s been in jail since April. The bulk of the conversation was about the usual – him and her problems with him. She goes on and on about the horrible things he says and does to her, and all I could do was say for the millionth time that she shouldn’t have a damn thing to do with him. Then I get the usual response of “I know,” before she goes on about how she wishes he would change, along with how horrible he treats her, and I’m left to wonder what it would take for her to see he’ll never change. I’m not sure who’s worse, her or Mary, but I guess I’d have to say Mary because, after all, she’s the one with the dead kid.

I totally regret sending her those dolls. They’re sitting in the box in the home of a paranoid skitzo who thinks Miguel’s going to break out of jail and sell them when I could’ve made money off them on eBay. Something does not want me making money! It’s so, so obvious, so you know what? I’m not even going to try anymore. I totally give up on that. I also know what can happen to me for trying to rebel or change what’s meant to be and what’s not, so if doing for others for free or at my own expense is my calling in life, then so be it. I’ll just shut up and do it.

She still asks if I got my braces off that I got off in ’99. Also, she never checked out the CD I sent with the journals and pictures because Justin’s been too busy playing games on the computer.

She’s going to court for her fourth or fifth violation on the 4th of next month, asking if I think they’ll throw her in jail. As I told her, if she’s managed to keep out of jail with this many violations, she may never make it to jail after all. She’s just so damn lucky she’s not out here. I’ve heard of people doing 3 months for their first violation and something like 10 months or a year for their second or third.

Yesterday I began to suspect that the property in front of us was bought by whoever bought the one in front of next door. One of the well workers was walking around over there. Tom said that to him it just sounded like a bored well driller. With about 900’ to drill in the 115º weather, how the hell can you be bored?

MONDAY, AUGUST 25, 2003
Now I really think something doesn’t want him going to Mary’s. Again he set out to go there when he got a flat. I suggested he seriously consider calling the bitch and having her mail us the rebates, anniversary, and birthday checks. Then he can try going over to mooch some other time.

I decided now that I’m on days to try to keep a day schedule for as long as I can. If I can, it’ll be the first time I did so without having a choice. The past two times I was on a schedule I didn’t have a choice and that would be when we were in the process of moving, then later on, thanks to the freeloaders, when I was in jail.

My lungs have been so tight the last few days that I nearly considered praying for a minute there till a reality check ran through my mind. I told myself, after all he’s had you suffer through, you think he gives a damn about your poor little lungs? If you weren’t meant to suffer from asthma, you wouldn’t have it in the first place.

So I just live with it as best I can.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 24, 2003
Tom’s doing the usual, fighting with the vehicles. Again he doesn’t know if he’s going to make it into Mary’s today. It’s like something doesn’t want him to go there.

He acted weird this morning. When I got up, I saw he was watching one of the many pregnancy/childbirth series they got going on the health channel. As soon as he heard me stumble into the kitchen, he changed channels in an instant.

Hmm… I wonder what that was all about? Was he afraid my seeing him watching that stuff would make me think he wanted a kid?

But I know better.

Was he afraid seeing it would make me want one all over again?

Well, it wouldn’t.

Does he still think I want one and figured it wasn’t good for me to see something I couldn’t have anyway?

If that’s the case, he’d have to think I wasn’t honest about my feelings, but I can assure this journal that I’d never say I didn’t want a kid I truly did want, nor would I say I wanted a kid I didn’t want.

I realize more and more, though I figured as much a long time ago, that if he hasn’t been able to admit so far that he doesn’t want to get it on, he never will. I just wish he’d save the politeness for other people and be honest with me! And himself. What’s the point of saying you want to get it on with someone you don’t, anyway? Is he afraid of how I’d react if he were honest or something? Either way, the KY won’t be wasted since I got some tampons yesterday.

Well, right now it’s looking like we’ll still have extra money to play with after all, but the $60 a month for each of us will drop to $40 a month, and the grocery budget will get cut from $90 to $80, and we’ll still split any leftover money each week.

I really did my homework at the grocery store and looked around for things that were cheap, yet not loaded with calories.

As Tom pointed out, though, there are no guarantees for the future. We may have no extra money at some point which wouldn’t surprise me. It’s all going to depend on his pay and how much of our shit breaks on us which is usually quite a bit, quite often. If some emergency comes up that costs us thousands of dollars, well, then we’re out of luck.

Again I heard someone cruising around here with loud music, but I don’t know where it was coming from. I think it was somewhere in front.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 23, 2003
Today’s shopping spree was fun at the new Walmart. We left at 5:30 to beat the heat and crowds. First we started on the non-grocery side where I was pleasantly amazed to find just about all of the birthstone Barbies. It’s a good thing I got to see them in person because I decided that the December one is definitely the nicest and not September. December wears a turquoise glitter gown and a turquoise necklace. It’s cool that the best-looking one is my month. She was $25 and has dark brown hair.

For $50, they had a fake palm tree that was nice, but because I got the Barbie I didn’t get it. I will eventually, though. Probably by the end of the year. By the end of this month, however, I do intend to get Dalene.

I checked the children’s clothes, and they seemed to have a good variety of clothes that’d fit the 24” dolls. The clothes marked 12-14 mos. should fit them nicely.

I also got a couple of pairs of cloth-covered elastics with little strings of heart-shaped beads streaming from them in pink, purple, blue and yellow. One’s on a Barbie and it looks really cool.

There were many things I almost got, such as a $20 leafy tree. It was a good height at around 7’, but not very full. I also almost got a glow-in-the-dark puzzle but didn’t like any of the designs.

I got children’s gumball vitamins. I saw a commercial for them and couldn’t resist. They have cherry, watermelon, grape and regular bubble gum flavors. The metabolism vitamins seemed to have quit working on me anyway. This is a common thing for me too, where something works at first, then stops.

I also got a leave-in hair conditioner that I’ll never again live without. You just spray it on your knots whether your hair’s wet or dry and they slip right out.

We got a little carried away with the groceries, but oh well. Thanks to his winning ticket, I still have $21 leftover.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22, 2003
Now we’re both doing the crossword game. That’s because Tom won an astonishing, mind-boggling $100 yesterday!! Amazing, huh? This game is fairly new so they still have a ton of winning tickets out there. We’re going to split the money and take it to Walmart tomorrow where Tom thinks I’ll spend it all. I doubt that, but if they have a cheap sundress that’s fairly decent and comfy, I may grab it. I still want dolls more than decorative stationery, clothes, etc. I’m set on socks, underwear, shorts, shirts, etc., so I doubt there’s much I’ll want. On the other hand, if they have a $50 fake palm tree I like, I just might grab that, too! I complain about him being on days, yet tomorrow’s going to be so nice being able to take our time shopping. In the past, we’d have to hurry up so he could get home and go to bed in order to get up at night for work.

I’m not saying I will, but I’m thinking of cutting my hair to my shoulders like I seem to do every 3-4 years once it gets really long. It’s near the middle of my ass when pulled straight and such a pain! It’s so heavy and such a bitch to deal with. Trying to keep knots out of it is like trying to get a black person to play their music for their ears only, or should I say “African-American,” as that seems to be the going title these days till they decide that that’s an offensive term, too. They’re so fucking sensitive! You can refer to them as being “of color,” but God help you if you refer to them as “colored.”

Tom nearly got within inches of one of the smaller rattlers that live here yesterday morning. It was under the green truck which he walked by without being smart enough to check under. It didn’t even rattle, that’s how brave they are.

It’s pretty cloudy out right now which is good because it’s keeping my office cooler. Especially since the sun’s on that side of the house at this hour. No matter where we move to, the next house is going to have most of its windows facing north and south!

My new cartridges won’t arrive till next Wednesday because they’re coming from New Jersey. I’m sure they’ll get here on time too since they’re not dolls. They left Secaucus, New Jersey at 6:33 ET, according to my online check, but by now I’m sure they’re out of the state. They’re probably in the very lower part of New York right now. I just hope they won’t be broken!

I wrote Mary and Bob by hand to let them know I’ve got to wait almost a week till they arrive. I didn’t want Mary to think something was wrong, because if I waited till Wednesday, then mailed her stuff on Thursday, she wouldn’t get it till Monday, September 1st at the very least.

I finally heard from Bob yesterday. He didn’t mention my autobiography, but he did say he got and read both my stories. He said they were good, but he wants more sex. He wants a 395-page story with tons of orgies, he told me, which is typical Bob. Sorry, I told him. I’m a romance/mystery writer, not a porn writer. He ought to subscribe to Playboy or Hustler. Arizona’s one of the few states that won’t allow inmates to subscribe to such magazines, but I’ll bet Massachusetts would.

I don’t know how many times I have to tell the old slut not to write on the fucking envelopes! I’ll just dump him again if he gets that annoying.

He also told me some jokes which were pretty good. He didn’t mention Kim, because he mailed this letter before I mailed him the one for Kim. He should have that right about now and so should Kim, assuming he knows her address. It’ll be interesting to see what she has to say, though I highly doubt she’ll have a job for me. No one has a job for me! Oh well.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Paula yet. I enclosed my number in my letter to her, so who knows what’s up with Miss Phoneaholic?

Aside from getting mosquito bites at work because of the surrounding farm’s water supply, it’s going okay. Some days he doesn’t do much and other days he walks a lot which he likes because it’s good exercise for him. He’s not sure if he’s going to get a promotion anytime soon, though, as he’s just not around that many hotshots.

Yesterday they began drilling a well in front which makes Tom think I could be right about another house or two still to come, pointing out how single houses don’t normally get wells.

I know I’m right. The split lots always have to be near us. I also think it’s been split because I haven’t seen anyone going to the house on a regular basis or hanging out in a trailer like we did till they could get in the house. The good thing about it is that whoever bought the lots and however many houses end up there will no doubt sell them and not rent them. You don’t usually put that much into rentals. Rentals are almost always dumps without wells. On the other hand, owners still have screaming kids and barking dogs and are just as quick to let their trash get out of hand as the renters are out here, so it’s not necessarily a good thing, though the fact that the houses are newer and more expensive is a good thing. It means the chances of blacks and Mexicans buying them are next to nil. I still can’t believe that the renters closest to us are white! Next door makes up for their whiteness, though. If I can’t have blacks or Mexicans below or above me, they at least have to be next to me. Either way, I am not looking forward to when all the houses are here and occupied. Not just because I don’t want to hear their shit, but because we’re going to lose even more privacy. It’s going to really, really suck when the land in front sells off. They’ll be the closest to us, therefore, I’m sure God will make them the loudest, and of course, I won’t count on there being just one house there.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 21, 2003
I don’t know if I ever mentioned this, but the Charlie’s Angels clips that Tom rescued were pretty fucked up. Bits and pieces of other episodes and even stuff of ours like our old home videos would pop through the clips periodically. I decided to quit recording until we have a DVD recorder, but I’m sure there’ll be a problem with that, too. I hate this new digital system! It used to be so easy. You’d just click on the show you wanted to record and you didn’t have to be a rocket scientist to use the VCR.

Tom got the other muffler on the white truck and it’s much better. Doesn’t even come close to waking me up.

The last of the frogs died the other day. We’re now down to just the two angelfish, two guppies, and the algae-eater.

The new Walmart in Casa Grande opens today. It’s supposed to be a grocery store as well, so this Saturday, real early in the morning, we’re going to head over there. I’m sure that because I want one, they won’t have the birthstone Barbies, and that if they do, it’ll be one I don’t want. I’ll just have to order the one I want online one of these days.

Speaking of online, I accidentally stumbled upon this site with these gorgeous figurines with very lifelike detail. I seriously considered one of them, but I don’t want to save up and spend a whole $140 or more on a teeny tiny figurine that shouldn’t be more than $30 like the one I got at the grocery store with the Osco in it. So, my current plan is to order Dalene at the very end of this month, then hopefully order Haiku or a doll that’s on sale that I like by early October as long as we have the extra money.

Meanwhile, I’ve been thinking of sculpting a lot lately and how cool it’d be to get clay, the proper tools and an instruction book so I can learn to make my own figurines. I know I’d never be allowed to make one penny from it, but that’s okay. I can do it just for fun.

It’d be nice to get a pool table to put in the center of the living room when the rats are gone. I’d then put the Bowflex where the rat’s cage now sits. However, pool tables are too expensive as opposed to a ping pong table. It’s just that pool’s something I could play without Tom.

Tom just ordered me all new cartridges. New inkjet cartridges and a new toner cartridge. I hope nothing’s wrong with any of them! It cost $75 but would’ve cost $150 from an office store.

We changed scratch tickets. We were doing bingo tickets, but now he’s doing a crossword ticket and I’m doing Crazy 8’s. It was cool how we could look online and see how many winning tickets are still out there. I quit doing the million-dollar lottery tickets because I know God’s not going to let me see the numbers.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 17, 2003
Someone just blasted by. Anyway, I just saw Kate in a movie that was released this year. For a 55-year-old woman, she looks fantastic. Especially after all the cosmetic surgery, tummy tucks and starvation, she’s no doubt been through. Compared to 30 years ago, she looks awful.

Not surprisingly, I haven’t gotten any email from Mary.

Also not surprisingly, Tom and I haven’t gotten it on yet. He says he has to get the truck out of the way, which is true. After all, we’ve been having to get that damn truck out of the way since December now, but even so, I’m still convinced he isn’t any more interested than I am. If he was, he’d make the time for sex. This is just how he’s always been, though; a one-thing-at-a-time kind of guy, and there are always, always things going on with us. There are always projects and things that need to be done. I wasn’t kidding when I said that I expected nothing to be different about it this time around, which means that these projects are going to take precedence over sex. This weekend’s out as it is because he’s going to want to get working on the truck as soon as it’s light enough to do so and because he pretty much has always preferred sex at the end of the day. It was like he wanted to put it off till the last minute which made the predictability rather boring. There was never much spontaneity or variety and his putting everything else ahead of it was one of the biggest things that turned me off in the past. The biggest thing to come before sex was always the TV, of course.

If we do get it on, I’ll be proven right on something else I figured all along and that’s that what I say or don’t say pertaining to his not cumming does not affect whether or not he cums. Especially since it’ll be years since I’ve mentioned it. He used to try to tell me that my talking about his problem affected it and hindered him from cumming, but I always believed that to be untrue. I hate to say it, but my otherwise strong husband is a real wimp when it comes to this shit. So much so that he’s always tried to pin it on me when I knew all along I had nothing to do with it. The lack of protection may’ve affected it, yes, but nothing I said affected it. That much I always knew and still do. Even so, it’d always come back to me, in his mind. Somehow, I was always connected to it, so he’d tell me, be it something I’d do or say. He was never man enough to come out and admit he had a problem. Period. And that it was his problem and that if, and I repeat if, there was anyone to blame for it, that person could only be him. It’s either a physical problem or a mental one. If it’s mental, it’s likely due to fears of impregnating me. If it’s physical, like with those who can’t get hard in the first place, then it’s physical and only a doctor could tell him what to do for it, though I know he’d never have the guts to bring it up to a doctor.

Nonetheless, regardless of what’s caused by what and who influences it, it’s a good thing in this day and age that he doesn’t cum and is content to stay that way. If he’s happy, why make a gooey mess?

I couldn’t tough out the sneezing so I went back on the nasal spray. So far my nose hasn’t bled, so that’s good.

Here are my planting ideas for the fall. It’ll be rather costly, but a damn worthy investment. I want to replace the dead olies with new ones. Then, since there’s no one in front yet, I want to make a line of olies from the corner where the driveway is to about parallel with the shed (the metal one). That will up the value, give us a little more privacy and help keep some of their shit from blowing over.

Then I want to get a palm tree and put it by the bedroom where the tulip tree was supposed to be or maybe a little further out since they get so tall, figuring we’re not going to do anything at that side of the house since we decided to put the pool in back. If the date palm lives, it shouldn’t be blocked by any shaders cuz it’s next to the driveway.

Lastly, I want to get poplars for the front and back. We’ll replace the dead ones, then maybe add a couple more and extend the line on down towards the bedroom. In front, we can plant them from the rat’s graves to the driveway. Well, from the graves to the date palm, assuming it lives, or maybe put one sort of behind it. If the summer sun was in the position of the winter sun, it wouldn’t matter as it hits the house straight on, but we’re going to have to go as close to the driveway as we can cuz of the way the sun slants at an angle. And really close to the graves, too.

Fall of ’04, I’d like to olie most of the front and maybe pull the back line of olies towards next door, figuring that sooner or later there’ll be a house in front and a rental between the existing ones and Dan. I don’t think we’ll lose much privacy once a house exists towards the bedroom side. We’re never at that side of the house but to burn and water the olie. There’s a lot of dense brush there too, but we won’t know for sure till it gets there. I don’t vibe a house there anytime soon. I sense there’ll be one across the street before there’s one on that side, but I don’t know when. Probably by ‘05. Same with the fourth rental.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 15, 2003
I’m mailing Bob a letter to mail to Kim with the hopes of getting some extra money out of her by doing whatever work she may need or want me to do that I can do from across the country. I even threw a stamped envelope in for him. I’m not going to lie and say that money isn’t my sole interest, because it is. Meaning, I’m not going to be friends with her if she says no. It isn’t that I hate her or think ill of her, it’s just that I see no point in bothering to resume a friendship with someone on the other side of the country. I know getting work from her is a hell of a long shot, but I didn’t think it could hurt to try. I’m not going to tell Tom about it unless she surprises me with having something for me to do, cuz if I’m right about my not being meant to generate any income, she’s not going to have anything for me, and there’d be no point in mentioning it to anyone. I don’t want Tom to get all paranoid or worried and think that just because I’ve made contact with Bob and Kim, I’m going to do so with Andy and my family. I’d never want a smoking pothead like Andy back in my life who’d do nothing but bug me, not that I expect he’d take me back as a friend either. I’d also never have anything to do with my family who abused me in so many different ways like they did for so many years. I have more self-respect than that. Everybody’s so hell-bent on forgive, forgive, forgive, but not me. Besides, I really think the only reason so many people are so big on forgiveness is that they hope it will get their own asses off the hook when they themselves do wrong. They figure that if they can get others to share their attitude, they’ll quickly be forgiven as soon as they cross the line and figure, why not do wrong? I’ll only be forgiven.
I hope to hear from Mary as to whether or not she and Mom are interested in the Yves deal, but I won’t hold my breath. I asked them to email me either way, but they strike me as the type to blow me off and wait to tell Tom they aren’t interested when they see him. That could be this Sunday after he puts the other muffler on. That’s quite a drive, so if the damn thing passes that test, he’ll feel more comfortable taking it elsewhere. For one, we’ve got to take a load to the dump. We’ve got tons of boxes, non-burnables, and shit outside that needs to go.

My Mary must really miss having a radio, though I can assure her she’s not missing much. It’s mostly full of welfare bums screaming about their rage, welfare, gangs and drugs. It really gets old! Here are these damn rappers who grow up on the streets in gangs, then get rich and famous by screaming about the things that piss them off and that they think are oh so unfair, but me, who grew up with all kinds of abuse and has a high school diploma and some college, still remains with an average or below income. And you know what else ticks me off? Society’s quick to write about the trouble I’ve gotten in, be it real or imagined, like they did with the freeloaders here and the prank calls back east, but when did anyone ever write about when I escaped the projects back in Norwich and journeyed all the way out here with little more than the clothes on my back? When did they ever write about when I quit smoking, drew a really good picture, got married, got an ear canal drilled, etc.? So much of the time the wrong people are getting attention or money for the wrong reasons while those who are much more deserving of recognition or money don’t get shit. Well, I don’t want any recognition or attention. Just the opposite, especially after being thrust into the spotlight like I have so many times throughout most of my life. But a home job, just a lousy home job, would be nice! Why is it that more often than not, the simplest and or most common things are just too much to ask for? And I’m sick of my family knowing about my damn business, too! Hell, Lori and Lisa know about the jail shit. Doe would’ve told Larry who would’ve told Ronnie who would’ve told Lori and Lisa. I don’t want these assholes to have the satisfaction of having any knowledge of my life.

I was both bummed out and frustrated over this sleep curse that’s so obviously a curse that’s been put on me. What to punish me for, I do not know, but it’s more than obvious that it is a curse designed to punish me and to hinder me from who knows how many opportunities. They say there’s a reason for everything and that God makes us how and who we are for a reason, but I can’t imagine for the life of me why I was meant to not be able to keep a schedule and to be so sleep-needy other than to be punished by it. Sometimes we get answers, sometimes we don’t. I mean, I think it’s safe to say that the reason God denied me a child was to punish me back when I wanted one and because he knew I couldn’t handle one anyway. Same with the singing, but why, for example, was I not meant to be with a woman as good-looking as Kate, Linda or Gloria? Not that I’d trade Tom in for the world, but why was it so important to God that I be with a man? I knew he was trying to tell me he wanted me with a man all along, like long before I met Tom, but why? Medical insurance is the only reason I can think of, but now a woman can name another woman as her insurance benefactor, so I don’t know what to think.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 14, 2003
I finally heard from Mary. She never mentioned the money at all. She said she’d been busy with her classes and is now at a 6th-grade level rather than 3rd. How’d she acquire such good vocabulary on a 3rd-grade level?

Anyway, she did get the religious booklet and my stories which she says are fabulous.

She says her family still sends her money and that she and José still write to each other, though not as much. How they’re doing this, I don’t know, so I asked her. She said his mother writes to her, too.

I told her about Tom’s new job.

She said Clarence is history and enclosed a note for Chuck asking for his help on how to get her book published and if he’d handle her royalties. I guess this must mean she doesn’t trust us, but if she doesn’t, why would she still be my friend if that were the case? That makes no sense, so maybe she has other reasons. He couldn’t legally help her till she got out, though. Maybe that’s why I never got a response from him. I waited a whole day so I could enclose it in her letter, but nothing’s come in as of yet.

She said she feels her dream of getting the book published is fading away because she doesn’t know how to go about it and as I told her, my heart goes out to her as far as her frustration and cluelessness as to how to get a book published. This is the main reason I got turned off from the idea of being a writer. Finding a publisher is like finding a needle in a haystack, but others have found them, so don’t give up, I told her, and also, even if it never does get published, write the book anyway, because you’re a good writer, you like to write, and it’s a story worth writing. She promised Gretchen she’d do this and I let her know that Gretchen wouldn’t be let down by her not getting the book published, she’d be let down by her not writing it at all. I also assured her that although life is seldom what we plan it to be and dreams rarely do come true, all kinds of wonderful things happen to us along the way that we wouldn’t trade for the world. All we can do is try our best. Not succeeding isn’t failing, not trying is failing.

She wants to change the title to From the Cradle to the Grave and I agree that that’s much more catching and appropriate.

I told her this ought to console her and that’s that if the state doesn’t do the right thing and fry his ass, other inmates probably will. Also, if jail was as hard as it was for someone like me who doesn’t like to control or be controlled, imagine how hard being told what to do all the time is for a control freak like him?

I asked her which of my two stories she likes better, but I know not to count on an answer from her. That girl does not like to answer all my questions!

Anyway, Samantha came yesterday and is very nice. She has pale yellow-blond hair that’s crimped and blue realistic eyes. She wears a soft blue dress with off-white lace. I can’t figure out if it’s an old-fashioned or a modern dress. It looks like it could be either. My floral earrings that go with the necklace I got not too long ago go beautifully with the dress. I cut the clips off with metal cutters and glued them on. Porcelain gets hot as easily as it gets cold, and boy was she scorching hot when I unpacked her at 2:30 in the afternoon! I was surprised to find she was wired, but that’s no big deal. Wires are okay on a standing doll of this size. It’s when they’re over 30” or are sitting dolls that loc-tite armatures are better.

I emailed Vicki Pala as far as how much a completed Sweet 16 Bailey would cost and she said $250, so they’re the cheapest yet. I really want to get her in the dress she comes in when it comes time to get her. It’s such a beautiful pink dress with roses.

I can’t print pictures for Mary, Paula or Bob cuz my color’s dead and I’m low on toner, too. At least I’m full on black, but hopefully I’ll eventually be able to renew everything and not have to resort to writing people by hand, but if I do, I do. We’ll see. I like to write, but I prefer to stick to typing.

I slept poorly the last couple of days that I ended up sleeping forever today. I slept like I was in jail again yesterday and barely slept 5 hours. I guess it was the excitement over knowing Samantha was coming that day. Then we had a 6-hour thunderstorm. I fell asleep last night and only slept an hour when a loud thunderclap woke me. It wasn’t till 2:30 before I fell asleep and I slept till nearly 5:00 right before Tom got home! Both tonight and last night we’ve had steady rain that lasted for hours. The olies will love it!

Lightning knocked out the power in the whole northeast region a few days ago. Feeling a bit sticky, are ya, Tammy? Hee, hee! It’d be even funnier if it happened in the winter, but not for Paula and Bob. August in New England is miserably hot and humid. It’s like in the 90s with 100% humidity.

The bombs have done a good job of keeping spiders away, and any flies that get in die off pretty fast.

I asked Yves for another introduce-a-friend certificate for Paula, but just like with Tom’s mom, who knows if she’ll go for it?

I’m working on a third story. I couldn’t figure out what to write for the longest time, so then I decided to start at least a little something and let the story lead me from there, then it came to me! Isn’t that cool? Most writers have their stories all mapped out before they even write the first word, but I kind of start with whatever comes to mind, then take it from there. When I started the first one, I didn’t know Kate was going to become a psycho.

Anyway, the last two stories were pretty much romance that turned suspense, but this one’s going to be the other way around, so it seems, with the suspense turning into romance.

I quit the 2-hour workouts as they were just a waste of time. A half-hour or so is all I need to do to keep in shape and working out really doesn’t burn calories, and I don’t give a shit what anyone says. It doesn’t. The key is watching what you eat, though I’m not trying to lose weight anymore. Just stay where I’m at. Even the Bowflex people said that more isn’t better.

Tom feels more and more certain, now that he’s been there a few days, that this job will be a good one. Already they’re giving him a desk and a computer! He does a lot of walking, parking and moving around the zillions of cars. That will keep him in shape.

As I told him, more is always better, but I’d happily settle for $50 a month of extra money. If I could get a doll every 3-4 months, that’d be better than never and they’re not all going to be over $200.

This weekend he’s going to put the green truck’s muffler on the white one and hopefully, it’ll be quieter than the one that was on it before. He’s not sure what he wants to do with the green one. Maybe turn it into a trailer or race it at the Firebird racing track where they do drag racing.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 12, 2003
Although it’s only coming up on 4:00, it looks like Samantha won’t be here today either. I hope Tom got a message from the people who say they sent her because I didn’t get any email. I just hope I get her eventually and that we weren’t ripped off or that she wasn’t misdelivered or that the people didn’t address the package wrong.

One of the leaves on my plant is now mostly unfolded. It’s a big leaf, too. It’s like two feet long and a foot wide.

Later…

When another day passed with no doll and no call-back from the Palas, I began to really get concerned, so I emailed them again and this time I got a response. The doll was supposed to be delivered today, they said, but just let them know if I don’t get it and they’ll trace it. They gave me the tracking number and I checked and found that there was a delay somewhere in Mississippi. I’m sure there was a breakdown. My typical shit luck, huh? If it wasn’t a doll I was expecting, it probably would never have happened. Anyway, the doll’s been rescheduled to be delivered tomorrow!

I’m having second thoughts about the thinning shears because I don’t want to end up with all these uneven hairs.

I was in for two surprises today, though the part where I got a letter from Paula wasn’t that surprising. I figured the phone being disconnected would prompt a letter from her, and so it did. She hasn’t been in jail, but like always, has pending court dates.

She and Justin are okay, she still has all the dolls, she liked the CD I sent, is being tested for diabetes, and is still associating with Miguel who aggravates her and is trying to get her in jail, so she says.

She was also in an accident on the bus when a van hit it.

Anyway, she asked what was up with the phone and so I told her of the new phone arrangement, gave her the number, and told her about Tom and his new job (he said it was boring and he had to drive to Tempe twice when he wasn’t just sitting around), and printed out my two stories for her (I began a third one last night).

The surprising part was that Tom really did get the KY. Maybe I shouldn’t have opened my big mouth after all, but we’ll see how it goes. Like I said, I don’t expect the sex to be different which means it shouldn’t occur that often.

If I don’t hear from Mary I’ll probably send her a piece of my mind directly at the end of the month, but I might not bother sending her aunt stuff. No, I won’t fuck her over. She does enough of that to her own self.

MONDAY, AUGUST 11, 2003
Tom’s on his first day of work right now. Oh, how I hope he likes the job and that the people treat him well and that he gets a serious promotion real fast! Either that or a whole new full-time job or a part-time job to supplement this one.

That doll also better be here before 5:00 or I’m not going to be the least bit happy.

The mesquite tree isn’t growing. All it did was green out, but it never did grow. Neither did the palm that survived. The only things that are growing are a few of the olies.

Later…

I just took my vitamin on a semi-full stomach 8 hours after taking the water pill. Now all I have to do is hope I don’t lose it! I had just gotten to the point where they weren’t affecting me so I don’t know what’s going on. If I get sick or really damn close to it, then once again whatever’s up there that doesn’t want me having any control over my weight wins and I stop taking them. I already decided some time ago anyway that I was going to stay in the mid-120s. Nonetheless, I’m making a burrito right now as today’s one of those bottomless stomach days. I eat and I eat yet I can’t fill up.

Tom said things went okay at work, though today was mostly orientation where he had classes and tours. He told me lots of tidbits pertaining to the place. The weirdest thing was the Japanese cars that are sent over here for just two weeks to be tested before being sent back to Japan by boat. He drove one of those today too, and said the writing on the dashboard was all in Japanese and the steering wheel was on the other side. I don’t know why they can’t test them in Japan. Perhaps because it’s so crowded there, they have no room for testing facilities. This Nissan testing facility is the biggest in the country with 3,000 acres. They even have working farms surrounding it to keep their water rights going.

Because there isn’t any snow and ice here, they have an area covered with tile that they spray water on so they can test the cars on that which would be the same as testing it on ice.

He still thinks this job will work out and that he’ll get a substantial raise soon enough. I hope he’s right and that we don’t end up suffering financially for a year or maybe even 2 or 3. We totally do not deserve that! We’ve been through that before and we struggled and worked our way up and we don’t deserve to be kicked back down for another handful of years. That’d be totally cruel and unfair of God if he let that happen, but I don’t think we’ll let it. We have more choices open to us than we had in the past, so we may be able to fight back this time, but hopefully we won’t fall so badly into debt that we’ll have to.

The whole thing still pisses me off. Yes, I’m glad Tom’s not at the bank anymore. They were using him at his own expense. However, he goes and works his ass off, a lot of it for free, and this is what he gets for it? Thanks, God, thanks a real lot.

It makes me feel so controlled, too. It’s like how the freeloaders came and had me yanked out of this house and along with the state said, “You cannot live in your own home for half a year and you must do this and go there, etc.,” I feel like his old boss is the one who’s going to decide how much extra money we have. It’s like our lives are always dictated by God or other people. His old boss might as well come to me and say, “No more $60 a month plus grocery savings for you, ma’am. You’ll have less than that from now on because of my actions.”

My doll didn’t come today. I agree with Tom when he says I should get her by Friday, but it still seems odd that no one answered my email and that it didn’t come today. Then again, why should it? I know there’s always got to be a problem with getting dolls. I did leave them a message on their answering machine, and they have been around a long time, so we’ll see.

Sample Net’s bugging me again with the junk mail. I knew they would too, and that they only wanted me to think they backed off for good. That’s okay. Two can play this game.

I was watching TV earlier. Oh, the things they tell kids. Trust the police, they tell them. And respect your elders. But what do you do when your elders don’t respect you? To each their own, but I could never respect anyone of any age who disrespected me.

I am not looking forward to when the nasal spray gets out of my system. I’m going to be so sick. But it’s either that or a bloody nose. It’s like something wants me to suffer.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 10, 2003
I am so bored it isn’t funny, and Tom doesn’t like to do much but watch TV. Especially when it’s too dark to work on the truck. He did that earlier, though. He got the mufflers off both trucks so he can put the one that was on the green one on the white one to quiet it down.

Using his email address and a bogus phone number, I’ve been entering us in various contests and sweepstakes. I know the odds are ridiculous, but I’m so freaking bored out of my mind. I gotta do something besides work out.

I was as close to throwing up as one could possibly get after taking my vitamin when I got up. I don’t know if it was because I took it along with my water pill or what, but I can’t help but get the feeling that it would never have happened if it weren’t something that helps me maintain my weight.

I’m still pretty sure we won’t get it on, but I had to ask myself this: Do I want to trust in fate to see that I don’t conceive if we do, or do I want to use birth control?

Tom said it was my call and so I decided I trusted destiny enough to skip the birth control. I also asked myself: God loves to see women who don’t want to conceive get pregnant anyway, think he’ll have the same attitude with me now that that’s not what I want?

No, I don’t. I think destiny is destiny, like it or not. Besides, I’ve been right about my vibes on that for 37 years, so why would I be wrong now? I believe that being in jail taught me the reasons it wasn’t meant to be. I used to believe that it was to punish me (back when I wanted one) and that I couldn’t handle the lack of sleep having one would cause. Well, while denying a woman a child she wants is definitely a punishment, being in jail taught me that although it’s hard functioning on very little sleep and having my sleep constantly interrupted, it is survivable, nonetheless. I now believe the reasons are because I couldn’t handle the pregnancy, childbirth and just the rearing itself and having no life or freedom. I value my freedom too much to throw it away. Being locked up and in the situations I’ve been in the past has taught me not to take my freedom for granted. I have nothing against kids whatsoever and I say to each their own as far as having kids goes. I, on the other hand, see nothing but hardships pertaining to that. All I see is it making me sick, fatter and in utter pain, then eating away our time, money, freedom and lives while limiting what we do and where we go. I just don’t see it as a worthy sacrifice and I know I’d be giving up so much for so little. Oh, I may have my bursts of gladness over having the kid, but I think that most of the time it’d drive me batty and that I’d regret having it. Of course, there’d be my crazy schedule to consider, and where would Tom sleep?

I also have another blessing in my favor and that’s a man who rarely cums, and if I was right all these years in thinking it was for fear of impregnating me, he should never ever cum again.

I learned something else by getting tested like I did too, and that’s that God doesn’t need to fuck something up in order to keep it from being used. He didn’t fuck up my plumbing because he knew that all he had to do was just make sure nobody grew in it.

I also asked myself: Would you resort to birth control if he did cum?

Well, I don’t know about that, though I know I wouldn’t want him cumming. Personally, I don’t even want to get it on with him in the first place simply because I haven’t the desire to. Knowing the feeling’s mutual, I think it’s safe to say I won’t have to worry. Tuesday will tell me. He’s stopping at the grocery store. They sell KY there. We’ll see if he picks any up. Anyway, I don’t think anything would be different if we did start having sex again. This is why I think he may’ve always been this way, even with other women. Of course, there’s also no saying how our sex life would’ve been had I been on birth control from the get-go. Maybe I am the only one he’s been this way with. I’ve always been sexually cursed, though to me it’s no curse anymore, just a wet, sticky mess we don’t need if he’s as content as he’s always been to keep things relatively dry. Still, why he is the way he is, I’ll never know. Before Helen gave me that info. I thought he’d clam up with anyone not protected, but now I see that it could very well be a lifelong problem he’s had that he simply never had the guts or desire to deal with. Or maybe it’s a combination of both. Perhaps he always had this problem and his lack of desire for a kid dampened any motivation to seek help.

Yves’ mascara washes off really easily. With the old shit I used to use, I’d have to scrub at my eyes with makeup remover and even that wouldn’t get it all off. The only thing is that I can’t tell that the violet mascara is violet or that the blue mascara is blue. Maybe out in the sunlight I could.

I emailed UPS asking if they do Saturday deliveries when Tom pointed out not remembering ever seeing a UPS truck on the road on a Saturday, and sure enough, they don’t. If Samantha was really shipped by Wednesday, then there’s no reason she shouldn’t be here tomorrow. In fact, I’ll be worried if she isn’t.

Tom said he saw a brief clip of an infomercial selling a split-end trimmer that trims only the bottom eighth of each hair shaft. That does sound way cool, but a bit expensive as well. What I really need is some thinning shears!

SATURDAY, AUGUST 9, 2003
My day’s been off to a pretty good start. Not only did my stuff from Yves come today intact but it was left in the locker they have there so he could pick it up. You can’t get big packages or packages with delivery confirmations needed at the desk on Saturdays. I love most of the stuff I got. They threw in extra freebies, too! The only thing I don’t like is the tomato body gel. Yves uses all-natural stuff from plants, fruits and vegetables. Tomatoes don’t smell great at all!

Enclosed was this deal for a $30 certificate if I get a friend to join and buy $20 worth of stuff. I sent it to Mom and Mary to check out, though I don’t know if they’d be interested. I told them not to feel obligated to order.

So, I got all kinds of things – colored mascara, shower gels, lotions, perfumes, bath stuff, face stuff, etc.

I decided to quit editing and burning CA episodes onto CDs. Instead, I’m going to wait till we get a DVD recorder and just record the episodes as they air right onto DVDs.

As far as Mary goes, I’m either going to never contact her again if she never contacts me, or let her know that she’s a real shit after all I’ve done and given to her if she writes me with any bad accusations. Either way, I’ll send her aunt a CD of her writing and pictures and be sure to let her know I didn’t take Jose’s money and let Mary have to explain that one to her.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 8, 2003
I just completed what was the biggest workout of my life – 1½ hours long. My muscles are heavy and shaky and it’s an effort just to type this. Less resistance and more reps makes muscles tauter and less bulky so I’m making working out my job since I have no other job or commitment hogging up my time. I won’t get paid for it, but I’ll be in some serious kick-ass shape! My legs are already noticeably smaller, though I still don’t think I’ll ever lose my overall body fat and be like I was in my 20s. I’m too old for that and I also don’t have the patience or willpower to starve myself. I’ll just do what I have been doing and just try to eat reasonably, limiting the sweets to just once or twice a week.

Tom just informed me that my bird was standing just outside the front door staring up at it expectantly, so I threw out some bread.

We decided that when these two rats die not to get new big ones. We’ll get small ones that will use tubes like the mice did and live in cages that aren’t on the floor. That way, if we do have a dog, it won’t badger them. They’ll be up over the dog’s head and not out running around loose like big rats love to do. The little ones will use plastic balls to roam around in. It’ll be nice not having to worry about what I leave on the floor, too.

I don’t know if the date palm will make it, but the queen’s just about dead. It makes no fucking sense either; we start watering this tropical plant, then it dies. They’re supposed to thrive on endless amounts of water.

Tom thinks the doll will be here today or tomorrow, but I think she’ll be here Monday or Tuesday so long as she really has been sent and to the right address as well.

Still no Yves, but it hit Tom today, so he told me, that the reason that’s taking so long is because of its size. He said that the PO only flies small packages, but the big ones get driven. He thinks I’ll get that at the end of next week. Whenever I do, I can then do the rest of the survey Yves wants me to do. It better come by next Thursday or Friday or else I’m going to really be worried. I know they’re a reliable company, but that doesn’t always mean anything to those with package curses on them. I’ll bet, for example, that most people have no problems getting dolls from PG. Anyway, I hope I get the packages and that their contents are intact.

THURSDAY, AUGUST 7, 2003
Today was a bit of a rough day and a busy one for Tom who ran a lot of errands, including picking up the two new identical pairs of glasses he got.

I’m glad the truck’s working and all that, but I’m not glad the damn thing wakes me up when he leaves in it when I’m sleeping. For now, I’ll sleep with the fan on high till he quiets it down with a muffler which is what it needs.

One of the junk emailers just wouldn’t leave me alone. I mean, they just wouldn’t give up. So what did I do to these pushy, persistent pests? Sent them about 50 emails of my own, letting them know that as long as they wouldn’t let me unsubscribe and kept badgering me, I’d do the same. In each email, I’d copy and paste a paragraph from old journals. Anyway, today’s the first day I didn’t get anything from them.

Still nothing from Mary. I don’t know what the scoop is at this point. I mean, it could be any number of things, I guess. Maybe she’s in the hospital having hernia surgery. I doubt she was hurt by another inmate. I’d think that if that were going to happen, it would’ve happened by now. If I don’t hear from her by the end of the month, I guess I’ll send her aunt a copy of her books and pictures on a CD, then delete them from my drive. I’ll keep a backup copy archived on my other PC. I don’t see why I wouldn’t hear from her, though. I’m sure she’s just having a rough time of it.

Okay, here’s the worst part of my day. It really was quite frustrating! Well, as I’ve said a million times, I’ve always believed that it varies from gay to gay as to who gets what they want and who doesn’t, just like it varies from woman to woman who has kids. That’s God’s decision to make in the end as to what women he’ll allow kids to. I not only knew I was never meant to have kids, but I knew I was a man’s woman and not meant to be a woman’s woman. God wouldn’t have paired me with a man like Tom if I weren’t which is fine since Tom’s a great guy. Anyway, I don’t know why I was meant to be with a man. Could be to tease me with the kid I once wanted, could be so I’d have medical insurance. I don’t know. I just know that God never liked it when I’d get it on with a woman and that was pretty much why the phone would conveniently go dead a lot back east when I would call the gay meeting line, and why I got hurt by Teddy Bear, etc. Although Tom and I certainly wouldn’t see it this way, he’d much rather I stepped out on Tom with another man before I simply fantasized about another woman. I really believe he wouldn’t punish me for it if I did.

Anyway, Tom was trying to get my burner to be the burner it’s supposed to be and not just a player when he suddenly came out and asked where all my Charlie’s Angels clips were that I spent so much time editing. I was like, “What do you mean, where are they? They’re where they always are.”

But not only did last night’s CA not record (I’m trying to snag the ones I missed), but the clips were all gone! All the CA clips were gone, but the circus acts, our wedding and me as a toddler were all still there. Now tell me something up there wasn’t trying to tell me I was a sinner and a half and I’ll tell you you’re full of it! There’s no way either Tom or myself would be dumb enough to have deleted all those files. No way! I know damn well what did it and it’s something that sits up in the sky. Something much more powerful than I could ever be who doesn’t agree with my ways, but like I can help it? We can’t help what we’re attracted to any more than we can help what flavors, colors and music we like or don’t like. We are who we are and so be it. It’s like, what do I do if whatever’s up there decides they don’t like short people? I can’t very well stretch myself up any taller.

So I said fuck it, I’m not going to mess with this evil outer source, whatever it is, yet Tom managed to rescue most of the clips, using a special recovery program. See, they were deleted only just last night so they haven’t had time to be overwritten. Still, I learned years ago that if we fight for the not meant to be and try to avoid the meant-to-be, we’re just asking for trouble. We must take what God gives us and accept what he doesn’t give us.

I also said I’d do my duties, so to speak, and get it on with him if he picked up some KY jelly, but I know he’s not interested in that any more than I am.

Anyway, we’re getting ready to hack in and break the registration code on the digital editor we got. It only gives you 10 free days with it, then you have to pay for it, but we can break the code and trick it into thinking we paid for it. It’s a shit program. I can’t imagine anyone buying it, but unfortunately, it’s all there is that I can use. Nothing else works, but with it being such a sin for me, I figured God wouldn’t make it easy for me anyway.

I’ve been walking and jogging a lot lately to fill in all this free time I have so I don’t get too bored. Right now I’m a little wary of writing any more gay fantasies. I start off jogging, then I walk briskly. As soon as my heartbeat starts slowing down, I pump it back up with another burst of jogging. I know that walking alone isn’t very beneficial. You really have to get yourself a bit out of breath.

I once read that walking 90 minutes a day burns 500 calories. If that were the case I could eat 1500-1700 calories a day and still lose weight, though I don’t know if I’ll ever feel like walking that much. My feet get pretty tired once I get over a half-hour, so I break it up and do it on and off whenever I feel like it.

For this next week, but only this next week, I was thinking of doing the eat-every-other-day routine to settle my curiosity as far as how my body would react to it with the vitamins. Without the vitamins, I lost anywhere from 0-2 pounds on non-eating days when I thought I’d lose 3-4. Maybe I could lose weight in 5-pound intervals, but I don’t know. I mean, do I really want to bother? We’ll see, depending on the results of this little test I’m going to do for a week.

My Yves stuff still hasn’t shown up. Tom thinks it will tomorrow. I hope he’s right! He also thinks Samantha will be here Saturday, but I think that’s too soon. It took Mei Li 4 days to come from California, so I don’t see how it could take Sam just 3 from North Carolina. She might not even have been shipped till Wednesday because they didn’t take the money till then. The only thing that worries me is that no one answered my email asking when I should receive the doll. They’ve always answered emails in the past. Their site’s been around a long time, though, so hopefully I’ll get the doll. Intact, I don’t know, but I’m sure I’ll get it.

WEDNESDAY, AUGUST 6, 2003
Tom spoke to Mary and explained to her how he got fired for being against their having Easter egg hunts and bringing religion into the workplace, and therefore not being seen as a teamster.

He also explained the new job he’ll begin on Monday for what’s now going to be $8 an hour. Still pretty shitty. We really hope he can work his way up fast! He’s still going to need to find a part-time job in the meantime.

He got a computer-made card in the mail today from the company he’ll be working for (Modern Engineering) welcoming him aboard.

He had to have a physical as well as a drug test, but he got the luxury of being allowed to pee in private.

Although the truck runs, it needs more work as does the car which nearly caused us a brush with death the other night. There’s a part underneath that steers the car which had come loose, causing the car to vibrate. Well, had it broken off completely, we would’ve lost control and crashed.

I’m just sick of this car and truck running so much of our lives!

I really hope that the only reason I haven’t heard from Mary is that she’s been broke and not because she thinks we ripped her off. I would not only be insulted to learn if she did think that but unable to continue our friendship as I just couldn’t fathom being friends with anyone who couldn’t trust me and was thinking the worst of me. For her to think that after all I’ve done for her would really be a slap in my face if I ever did find out that that’s what she believes for sure. I hope the poor girl’s just broke and that I find out soon enough whether or not she got my two books and whatever else is going on with her.

I’m surprised I haven’t gotten any letters to her from José. Makes me wonder if they’re still in touch with each other. I don’t see how they could be. They must’ve had a fight which is unfortunate. I went out and bought extra envelopes in case I do get anything to send from her to him.

I still have mixed feelings about our friendship. Yes, it’s nice to have a pen pal like her when I do hear from her, but a part of me is also like, go ahead. Accuse me of being a thief and give me a reason to dump you so I can avoid any potential problems between us in the future. It will be her loss if she does let this Buffy chick come between us by being dumb and naïve enough to believe her over me. The ball’s in her court and it’s strictly up to her at this point. I’m going to send a letter out tomorrow and send no more till and if I hear from her.

It really is weird that she and José haven’t swapped letters. It makes me think that they either got caught or she does think I ripped her off and therefore told him not to send me anything for her.

The good thing about it if our friendship ends, is that for once it’ll be of no loss to me. It’ll certainly be a hell of a loss for her, though! She’ll have a hell of a time getting her book done without me. Without me, she’d have to hand over hand-written, barely legible drafts with one misspelled word after another unless she gets out, gets a computer, and then writes the book.

My nose bled earlier, though only one side. The doctor said the sprays can cause that. This is the first time it has. Before, all I’d get was the post-nasal drip. I’m surprised it bled cuz I’m only using the spray once a week. Maybe I’ll just stop using it and let myself sneeze all the time. I sneeze enough as it is anyway.

Speaking of feeling insulted, boy do I feel insulted by God over this job shit! I mean, here my husband was working his ass off for that damn bank for years, twenty of those weekly hours being for free, and what’s he do to reward him for it? Leads him to a shitty-paying job. That’s his reward for all his hard work.

We just can’t get ahead in life and when we do it’s only temporary.

Tom feels pretty certain that as long as he doesn’t come across as desperate, he can get his mother to give us a lot of money. Like $500, $1,000 or maybe even more. I hope so! I really do. Things may not be too bad right now, but they certainly could end up that way if we don’t either get him a better-paying job, a part-time job, or if his mother doesn’t help out. He hopes to find contract work for part-time work where he can do computer programming from home.

TUESDAY, AUGUST 5, 2003
No, but they can send email. I was surprised, but last night I got an email from Mary and Dave saying that because it’d been so long since they’ve heard from us, they were starting to get a little worried. They lost Tom’s number, so that’s why I was emailed. I gave them both our numbers and told them not to give them out, then I told them that yes, a lot’s been going on but I wanted Tom to be the one to explain it all, so just hang tight till he calls.

Anyway, he’s been gone since I got up 5 hours ago. I hope today’s the day he comes home with my Yves stuff!

Before stopping at the PO, he’ll be stopping to give the new place his driving record. Originally, he was given a shitty-paying job as just a driver, but then he got offered another daytime position doing all kinds of things. He’ll be a porter, though still with the shit pay. The good thing about it is, though, that with this position versus driving, he can show off his skills to more important people and obtain more important positions within the company. In the meantime, he’ll probably look for a part-time job elsewhere and we’ll probably cut our grocery budget from $90 to $80 and our monthly allowance from $60 to $40. This job will include benefits.

To my utter astonishment, the truck was registered and licensed yesterday! Now we’ll spend the next few days testing it before we take it too far.

He’s been working in the utility area stringing old well wire around the wall with a white covering so it won’t look ugly. This is because he wants a more kick-ass outlet outside for running the air compressor.

He ordered Samantha yesterday morning at 8:30 our time. As it turned out, the number he called went to the couple’s home and he woke them up, too. I was surprised they’d be sleeping at that hour and that their store was closed, but anyway, if all went well, she was shipped out to me sometime today.

As for a mannequin – that’s something I really want to buy in person, so if we go to California and I get one, fine, but if not, then I probably won’t get one.

Yesterday we received the few things we ordered like the colorful bead mobile, floral hummingbird magnets and ring toss game. Was anything broken? Well, of course. What’s a package to us without something broken in it? Fortunately, the breakage was minor enough. Just a fallen bead on the mobile and a wimpy magnet on one of the floral birds.

I had a badass idea for making a mobile using the hanger that we cut the crystals off of. Hopefully, he’s got a glass cutter because I want to take an old mirror and hang pieces of it. That’d look way cool.

A high-pressure system has swept through the area, leaving the weather more like it normally is in June, hot, dry and cloudless, though the system’s heading east and clouds are beginning to swing back in.

I decided that like it or not, chubby or not, 125 is my weight and that’s that. It’s just such an incredibly easy weight to maintain. Especially with these vitamins. It’s 20 more pounds than I need, but oh well. I’m just too sick of dieting to lose any more weight in the near future.

My editing is temporarily done and now I’m back to being bored silly till I can think of something to entertain myself with. Maybe I’ll cook up some other bullshit story. We’ll see. I can’t think of anything right now.

SUNDAY, AUGUST 3, 2003
I’m almost done with the editing.

Tom’s going to order Samantha first thing in the morning.

How I hope my Yves stuff comes tomorrow and intact, too! The other stuff would be nice and so would a letter from Mary updating me on what’s been going on with her. I doubt it, though. I mean, I don’t think she’s been broke. I think she thinks we ripped her off. I don’t know how she could believe Buffy over me, but that’s just the impression I get. Oh well. Can’t help what she thinks.

Tom doesn’t want to talk to his mom till he gets a job, saying it may worry her. I don’t think a little worrying would hurt her. If anything, it’ll get some money out of her. Of course, they’d never call him because that’s how self-absorbed they are, and when they do call it’s only when they want something. They can never call just to say hi and see what’s up.

SATURDAY, AUGUST 2, 2003
Tom went for the driving test today and was surprised at just how aggressive the driving was. At one point he had to do 90 MPH as well as weave between cones and on the slalom. He’s not sure he did as well as they’d like, though anyone can drive like a maniac at $7.50 an hour if you ask us.

I just hope he gets something, somewhere real soon! He said getting in at a temp agency will be no problem if it came down to it. That’s what he’s done before. In fact, that’s how he ended up at the fucking bank.

All I know is that the cock that fired him better end up doing us a favor because I am so, so sick of people fucking us over! Then, to add insult to injury, they get away with it! Ugh, it just gets so damn old! It’s scary, too. Especially what with knowing that time and age haven’t changed this old pattern of fuck-them-over-and-get-away-with-it. Take jail, for example. If I can be held in a place against my will in my 30s, then why not at any age?

Sometimes I wonder if the reason we’re not meant to have fences is to allow easier access to bad news. Bad news that walks on 2 legs, that is, and not 4.

I also wonder about the music I heard last night and the night before, if only for a few minutes at a time. Since living here, the before jail time was by far the most musical, shall I say, with the bass thumping. Looking back on it now, I take it as a nasty omen of the shit that was destined to come. Well, I just hope there are no hidden messages in anything I have heard and may hear in the future! Although I don’t have any bad vibes, I still fear pending shit in the future. I don’t always have bad vibes that far in advance, either. New Year’s Eve of ’00, I didn’t have any bad vibes. Not till I was swiped out of here by the pigs, and although I didn’t hear about the freeloaders again for 6 months, bad vibes lingered in the air only because I knew the word of a pig was as worthless as that of the cow shit on these farms.

If I don’t go where the trouble is, the trouble will come to me, and unfortunately, I have enemies out there. I got welfare bums who were obsessed with me enough and sporting enough hate and anger to hunt me down all the way out here, and then there’s Teddy Bear. I’m still 99% sure I didn’t get her fired, but what if I did and what if she’s planning on getting even? She’d be an obvious suspect if anything did happen to me, but so? God would protect her and why would the pigs care? After all, I’d only be a Jew to them and nothing more.

At least it’s some consolation to know that once the decibel laws they have pertaining to loud music get out here, they’ll no doubt be as strict as other laws in this state and people will be quick to follow them. Then again, maybe not. People out here seem pretty rebellious when it comes to noise. Telling someone to cut their weeds or pay their taxes is one thing, but when you tell someone to lower their music, you’re basically telling them to shut up, and people don’t like to be told to shut up. So, stricter laws don’t always mean people are going to be more willing to abide by them or else so many people wouldn’t be constantly in and out of jail like they are.

Anyway, in better news, we’ll be ordering Samantha on Monday. She could be here as soon as next Saturday, one week from today.

Yves’ latest story was that my stuff was shipped on the 31st, so now I don’t know what to believe. I still think I’ll get it this coming week. At least I sure hope so!

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Last updated July 13, 2024