October 2003 in 2000s

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2003
What contradicting fools! I emailed Incense Galore to ask when I’d receive my order and they wrote back saying that it should be shipped out early in the week, as early as next Friday. Well, Friday is not early in the week. Either way, they say they’ll email me when it gets shipped. The reason for the delay is that it’s hand-dipped and not made up until ordered. They don’t grab the stuff from storeroom shelves and send it right out.

It is so, so beautiful out there right now. A little warm in here, though. Instead of paying the money to run the AC for a little while, I’ve opened the kitchen, retreat, office and living room windows to let the easterly breeze push the warm air out. Got a couple of fans on too, to help. At first I was hesitant, thinking of giant spiders, but knowing it isn’t psychically possible for them to fit through the screen, I opened the windows, but am keeping the lights off so as not to attract little tiny bugs that can get through it. I’ll only leave them open for a couple of hours or so.

I left Kate a birthday message, though I doubt she’ll ever see it. They have this site where you can leave her messages wishing her a happy birthday, so I said what the hell, and I left a quick message. I even told her I had a crush on her! Why not? Most of the others did. Besides, what could anyone do to me for it, sue me?

Here are our current pet plans. We’re going into Pick-A-Pet first thing Saturday morning. If we’re told that little rats get too big for the Crittertrail cages we have in mind, then we won’t get the cages or any more rodents for now. We can get a dog anytime as I can always raise whatever animals we do have above and beyond its reach. Also, the little rats wouldn’t be allowed to roam free without being in plastic balls, and this pisser I got now can’t run free anymore. Only on the bed or on us! I don’t know if Tom really wants a dog, though. It’d mean some work and some money, that’s for sure. It’d mean putting up a chicken wire fence if we’re never going to have real fences, interior or exterior, and me? Well, I guess it’d depend on the dog. As I told Tom, two things must be agreed upon first and that’s that there must be a doggie door installed before getting the dog, and the dog must be returned if it turns out to be either too aggressive or too obnoxious, or I swear I’ll dump it.

I got a slew of catalogs and magazines today. One of them had a couple of perfume samples. I wasn’t impressed with JLO’s Glow, but Calgon’s Hawaiian Ginger was really nice. Even Tom liked it.

I had vibes of us moving between 2009 - 2011, though I don’t know where to. Tom thought we’d move sooner than that. It’ll depend on how fast this place keeps building up. If they ever make that subdivision just a few miles away where the old vineyards were, that’d make us a ton of money.

Although I know it’s not our fault that our outside projects got delayed, I’m getting awfully sick of things not happening around here. So much so that I’m just about ready to write off any kind of fences, finishing driveways, landscaping, shed paneling, porches, pools, and finishing installing the posts. It wouldn’t be the end of the world if we never got to do any of the things we talk about doing, but it’d be nice if sometimes we could do at least some of them. We’ve had these projects on hold for so long that I’m seriously wondering if they’re even meant to be, so I really think we should just forget them altogether. Especially if I’m right, and I sure seem to be, about something not wanting us to make ourselves comfier here.

I’m almost afraid to move, no matter when we do and no matter where to. If part of my punishment for moving here was 6 months in jail, what’ll it be next time? A few years in prison?

So where will we move to? I have no idea and neither does he. I guess there are only 5 possibilities, though. We either stay in AZ and get a nicer house, we stay in AZ and get tons more land and 2-3 old small junkers to live in, we go to a beachy place, we go to a wooded place or we get a houseboat. One thing I know I’ll never do is move to a seasonal climate such as Massachusetts. No moving to places with lots of cold and snow! The snow may’ve been fun to play in as a child, but as an adult, I hate the shit. I still think we may end up in a retirement community once we get old and need doctors more often.

I had a dream I ran into Deanna and in the dream, she asked me who made me a racist.

“Why, you,” I told her.

“Me?” she said with shock.

“You as a whole,” I said. “Oh, I was always aware of various people’s varied opinions of blacks, but I am only the racist that you yourselves have made me.”

This is exactly what I would say to anyone who asks me. It’s true. No one told me to be either way. They taught me to dislike them all on their own with their horrendous behavior. If they’d drop the race crutch, get into the present, let us achieve equality and not use weapons against us like the law in my case, then just maybe I’d have a change of heart. Right now, though, it’s still discrimination for us to have our white this and white that, but perfectly okay for them to have their black channels, black pageants, black everything. What I don’t get is this – if it’s so damn important to them that we like and accept them, and it obviously seems to mean the world to them, then why do they carry on the way they do?

Tom’s finger is still sore, and my tooth is acting up again. Tom said it makes sense, though, as I’m not telekinetic, whereas a cold is a disease, unlike broken bones or cavities. If I had the power to move objects, I’d be able to have every doll I wanted materialize right before my eyes. How I wish I was telekinetic! Not just to make things appear, but to pick people up that piss me off and slam them into the wall would be way fun as I have as much compassion and empathy as I do not! At least I can make them sick.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2003
My day was off to quite a scary start. I saw this coming, too. Yes, it was something I predicted two years ago. When the well went out in November of ’01, I vibed that every 2-3 years there’d be a problem. I felt that about two years from then would be the next one and I know I documented this as well as told Tom about it.

When I got up at 2 PM there was no water. I called and told Tom about it. I went out to check around and didn’t find any water leaking anywhere by the house or out by the well. The pressure gauge on the water tank was down to 0.

While I was standing out there, I could see the house in front that’s closest to us more clearly. In fact, from that angle, I could see the built-in front porch. That will surely entice them to hang out front more.

APS put up the utility poles over there, though no wires have been strung yet and the second house is still elevated.

It appears that that lot was split up as is a popular trend these days and that there’s a strip of land for sale between the new houses and next door. We could end up with quite a few more houses around here. Not a good thing if you don’t like people and barking, but a good thing if you like money.

Anyway, amazingly enough, Tom got the well problem fixed within a half-hour of being home! It turned out to be the same problem we had before where the wire shorted. At least the pump’s okay, and since we made the switch from PVC to galvanized piping, we can’t have the problem we also had before where a hole formed in the plastic bullshit we had for pipes, allowing the pumped water to leak out and back into the ground, preventing it from getting up to the tank, much less to the house. What happened was that the wire rubbed against the metal rim of the top pipe due to the vibration of the pump, and remember, this is a monster of a pump we’ve got. The 5-horsepower pump can pump 25 gallons a minute. When the wire shorted, it tripped the circuit breaker, but not all the way. Once Tom realized this, he threw the breaker back on and to our utter relief and delight, we heard the monster pump pumping 800’ below us and the gage’s needle began to slowly creep up. So slowly that Tom wondered if I had any faucets turned on at first, till he realized that it was going slow because the hot water tank was filling as well as the toilets. Fortunately, because I hadn’t gotten up till 2:00, I only needed to use each toilet once which you can do when you lose power or water. As Tom reminded me, we do have 15 gallons of water stored out back that’d allow us to flush the toilets about 8 times or so, and of course, we have our bottled drinking water. The only issue would be showers if we lost water long enough. We’d have to go to Miss Perfect’s as we did before. Either way, we have had so many problems out here. It’s great not having bass-banging freeloaders a few feet away, and it’s great not being chained to the cigarettes that nearly killed me, and it’s great wanting material things for a change instead of impossible non-material things because the material dreams/goals are usually possible. (delayed but not denied, for the most part) However, we’ve had leaks, well problems, heat pump problems, and of course, I was denied the right to live here for half a year. Makes you really wonder if someone lit a black candle with us in mind. I used to think it was all God picking on us, and perhaps it is, but now I’m leaning more and more towards suspecting an evil spirit of some sort dwelling upon this land.

That’s the third fucking spider I’ve seen in here today. Not a good sign. Especially since we just bombed. Tom says it’s because we bombed right before the weather cooled down so they’re all trying to get in the house now, along with the fact that we’ve been in and out a lot. I hope that’s all it is because spiders seem to be a sign of evil. Bad things seem to happen more often the more of them we see in here. Still, he’s going to spray the outsides of the doors and windows.

During the extremely long few hours I waited for Tom to come home, I figured why not take it out on the liar? So I called Paula and vented on her machine about the well and her bullshitting me about the Yves money. The word no was created for a reason. She should try using it next time an offer is made to her that she’s not interested in.

Tom did a survey (of course it’s for free) that he was glad to get so he could tell them how lousy Verizon Wireless service is out here. I wish I could get a survey about wells cuz then I could say how much those suck, too! Of course, if you don’t have a breakage curse on you, yours just might be able to go more than a year or two without problems. I mean, I was really, really worried! And so many of our problems seem to be multi-thousand dollar ones, too. I also thought it an odd coincidence that this should happen after Mom gave us the money as if to either compensate us or force us to put the money into the well and not on our regular day-to-day expenses.

Whether or not there’s something that doesn’t welcome our existence here, Tom’s always looking for the right window of opportunity to move. Interest rates aren’t always this low, he pointed out, so we’ll have to decide if we think the place is going to keep building up or stop sometime soon, but my vibes say it’ll keep building up. I still think that by ’05, the last rental will be installed in back and there’ll be something in front of us, too. With our shit luck there’ll be 10 houses in front of us, but the more houses, the more money. In fact, even though I think we’ll be here another 5-10 years, we were talking about getting a loan and building houses on our land ourselves which is what we should’ve done in the first place. As soon as we got welfare bums next to us, we should’ve purchased a shit trailer and lived in it till we built our own house and built it right. I didn’t come out here to live with other people, though, so as soon as we make the splits and either sell the raw land or the housed land, we gotta go. I understand that kids will be kids and I have nothing against them, but I don’t care to listen to little Kimmie squealing with delight as she stirs up their dogs that are parked outside 24/7 while little Timmy runs around the land, including ours, to the tune of daddy’s blasting car stereo. As it is, the dogs next door are getting worse. Well, it’s not so much that they’re getting worse as it is getting easier to hear them because of the cooler weather. Sounds travel better the colder the temperature is because of cooler air’s thinner. They’re either inside during the daytime or are asleep, then they wander about barking on and off from sunset to sunrise. Oh well. It’s nothing a psychic of my kind shouldn’t be able to fix.

When I pointed out how many new houses are now visible just from our land alone since we moved in here 4 years ago, he said, “But look at the 10 years before we did. There wasn’t much of a build-up during that time.”

I had to remind him that they were just waiting for us. “People and noise follow us. Haven’t you figured that out yet?” I asked him.

I’m down two pounds to 128. I can lose another pound or two, but that’s as far as I can go.

Daylight savings kicked in, so Mary and the liar are 2 hours ahead and not 3.

In a few hours California time, it’ll be my girlfriend’s birthday. How old she is depends on which sites you believe. Some say she was born in ’48 and others say ’49. Either way, at 55 or 56, Kate’s getting up there.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2003
Back up to 130 pounds, and no, I don’t think the water pills affected my metabolism after all. I think I’m just like all middle-aged people. Everything changes after 30. Even your skin! It dries the hell out and loses its firmness. Anyway, I want nothing more than to say fuck it, eat when I’m hungry and not worry about my weight, but if I do, then all my doll money will have to go to new clothes as I get bigger, so I have no choice but to lose a few pounds. I’m just so sick of being forced to diet and lose the same few pounds that keep coming back! Life’s a series of trade-offs, though. At least it has been for me. So I know that that means that if I were suddenly skinny and were to stay that way for a while, I’d be compensated with a whole new problem. I’d rather have weight problems than, say, freeloader problems.

Speaking of them, this new year that’s just a couple of months away will be the first year without the black bitch in it since 1996. Sad, huh? Yeah, I was being sarcastic. I just hope it stays this way and that they don’t start in with us and pop back into our lives ever again! It won’t work if they do. Meaning that whatever they have planned won’t work because I won’t be dumb enough to fall for any traps of theirs ever again. Never with them, never with me!

Anyway, I’m just a few days away from my would-be day of freedom had someone not finally done right by me and let me move on and get on with my life once and for all. And the last of these damn numbers scribbled all over the calendars! I had been doing a countdown.

I still wonder if the freeloaders ever knew I was cut off early. A part of me thinks not because they didn’t stir up a fuss about it. More of me, though, thinks they do know because of how closely they were kept informed of everything else. I’ll bet they were notified every time I sneezed between October of ‘00 and 6 months ago!

See, when I think back to God allowing the freeloaders to do what they did to me, I can’t help but believe I’m cursed. Then when I think of Tom and how far I’ve come in life, I can’t help but believe I’m blessed. I think it’s more than obvious that I’m both. I’m so blessed because I’m so cursed, and I’m so cursed because I’m so blessed. I would be, for example, just as scared as I would be happy to win a million dollars, for I know that if I did, he’d be right there to compensate me greatly. Probably get in an accident and end up paralyzed! Or get an eye disease and go blind so I couldn’t enjoy all the dolls I’d buy.

It’s hard to believe it, but today’s my 16th journal-writing anniversary. God, 16 years ago it was like I was a whole different person in a whole different place with a whole different life!

Though not without much empathy and understanding, I had to laugh when Mary wrote in her book about what it would say if when she was born God put a sign on her listing all the hardships she’d have to endure. Let’s see… if God slapped a sign on me the day I was born it’d say:

You’re going to be basically miserable till you get well into your 20s. First I’m going to assign you to the shittiest of parents you can have, or close enough to it, in a state with shitty weather. Then I’m going to give you equally shitty siblings and make sure you end up stuck in lots of places you don’t want to be in. You’ll struggle like hell financially as an adult and be attracted to people you can’t have. In fact, I’ll not only keep the really good-looking ones away from you, but I’ll curse you sexually and make sure there’s always some sort of problem in bed with one of you or that there’s no desire for intimacy at all. While I’m doing all this, I’ll make sure that anyone I send to fuck you over gets away with it and then some! You’ll not be allowed to make money for yourself, but don’t worry, you’ll be a damn good financial asset to others.

Later…

There. I jogged for 15 minutes, then did my tummy crunches. It makes me feel good to know I did it, even if I’ll always be heavy. Fat, chubby, thin, we should still keep in shape. Because of my height, or rather lack of it, it’s all the more important I keep my muscles and stamina built for the next ever-so-sorry person to threaten me or actually make a move to attack me. Where I lack in size, I make up for in strength and temper.

I’d starve myself if I thought it’d do any good, but as I learned, it won’t. Oh, I’ll lose a few pounds initially, but that’d be about it. I remember when the dentist and her assistant were talking about food and dieting and how the dentist commented that her assistant never ate. This assistant was pretty fat too, and I remember thinking, bullshit. If you didn’t eat you wouldn’t be so big, but as I learned, you really can starve and still hold your weight if you’re older.

Now here’s where I fail to understand people’s faith in God. Southern California is being hit with tons of fires and they showed crowds of spectators on TV, one which held a sign saying: May God be with Southern California.

Well, obviously he’s not, or else why would the fires have started in the first place? Because he cares so damn much? Please! He’s picking on these particular people in this particular area. Why, I do not know, but he’s supposed to have his reasons for everything.

The rabbits were picking on our poor lone little palm tree, too. When I went outside and looked down into the center of the tree, I could see lots of green and healthy-looking fronds, but the rabbits kept chewing them off, so Tom put chicken wire around them. Now maybe the damn thing can grow once and for all. It still looks pretty shabby and has been hanging onto life by a thin thread.

It was gorgeous today. It was actually cool in here at 5 AM. When I was out waiting for Tom to arrive home from work, Shiny was out. The poor guy looks so thin. I gave him a hotdog and he ate the whole thing. He’s come to be so trusting and affectionate. He even was almost brave enough to come inside the house, though with the weeds and dust all over him, I’m rather glad he didn’t. The 3 things I hate most about this land are the weeds, dust and ants!

Got some drafts from Mary today and a box full of that Smile’s coffee. They keep bullshitting us. The digital camera Tom wants was supposed to come with the second order, but then we found that we were supposed to send in a card for it. Tom decided he was just going to say he sent in the card and never got the camera and see what happens. Meanwhile, I’m stocked up on coffee for quite a while, though this stuff’s not that great.

Just finished Mary’s latest drafts and she is so, so right about so much of what she says and describes and she does it so very well, too! As a victim of abuse myself (though not by past lovers), I know what she means when she talks about believing the shit you hear. You can only tell a kid so many times how they should’ve never been born, won’t amount to shit, etc.

She’s also so right about fantasy versus reality and the control we have/don’t have over it. We have little control over real-life events. If God chose to strike my Tom dead be it by a drunk driver, a heart attack or whatever weapon of choice, there’d be nothing I could do about it but kill myself and hope to join him in spirit immediately, but in fantasy, you’re in 100% total control. I think that’s why so many of us fantasize so much and write our little poems and stories; because reality doesn’t always go the way we’d like it to. The bulk of my life has been wonderful since moving to Maricopa, minus the times the freeloaders were fucking with it, yet even so, I still love to fantasize. Narrow-minded people like Dureen and Art O. would say it’s unhealthy, but I think just the opposite. Besides, as long as one can distinguish fact from fiction, then where’s the harm, for example, in my fantasizing about being with Kate?

She’s also got a point when she talks about how people are quick to jump to save a lost or injured child, but to hell with getting involved in an adult’s troubles. Why, I wonder. Adults are people too, and when people do get involved, it’s usually in the wrong kind of way. Take that time I got into a fight with Ida, for instance. It was our battle, yet the whole damn pod just had to get involved and stick their noses in it. So, I know just where she’s coming from.

I just feel so bad for her having to live with people who are the exact equivalent of spoiled, selfish little children. They get up and they scream all day. And of course there is the lack of consideration and the begging. Had I been blind and stupid back in Estrella, I’d truly believe that I was the only one there who wasn’t just 15 years old.

I’ve got a question for her in my next letter. I’m glad we’re as different as we are alike. We’re alike enough to understand each other but different enough to learn from one another. Well, it deals with her being into astrology. I don’t know if I believe in it, though after my own personal experiences with the unexplained, I don’t laugh at it. In fact, and I mean no offense to her by saying this, I’d be quicker to laugh at someone for believing God is good than I would at someone for wearing a dime around their ankle thinking it’ll bring them good luck. Anyway, I have lived nearly 38 years and have noticed that the first few years of each decade seem to be worse for me than other parts of the decade. There’s no comparison between 1980-1982 as opposed to the rest of the decade and it was the same at the start of the 70s and 90s. It also seems the 2000s have started off pretty shitty with the exception of moving to Maricopa and into this house, but once I hit ’03, things began to greatly improve. Well, I was wondering if any of this means anything to her. As a Sagittarius, I wonder if she’s ever read anything about it. Having lived for nearly 4 decades, it seems a rather odd coincidence. Odd enough that I do not look forward to the years 2010-2012!

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2003
The incense has been ordered. I can’t wait! I should have it in 7-10 days. They didn’t have Chanel on their order list, so I substituted it with CK B. That would be Calvin Klein, a name-brand perfume.

Yesterday was miserable as far as allergies go. I was sneezing on and off for hours.

A couple of days ago I received some drafts from Mary to type up which I finished tonight. It still never ceases to amaze me how one can have such a good vocabulary yet not know how to write.

She said my book was fabulous. She was a little disturbed by the layout, she said, but that’s what a good book does to you. I’m not sure what she meant by a disturbing layout. I guess the suspense got to her, but she reads books like that anyway.

In the mail, I also got these foam pad samples. I guess they’re supposed to be karate training mats. I thought they were a few feet wide, but instead they were only a few inches wide.

I also received the form to send away for my $20 Toys R Us card. The $25 Walmart card should be arriving anytime now for signing up for one of their trial offers that we canceled.

The good news is that I warded off a cold that was setting into Tom and cured a cavity that I had form, but I haven’t been able to make his finger better. He cracked a bone in it while working on the truck and I don’t seem to be able to help it so far.

Friday night we went to Casa Grande. I got KFC and we both got some things in Circle K. I got some wine coolers and pumpkin pie coffee. He got a crossword ticket and said it’d be a winner because the word rat was on it. Sure enough, he won $10.

He got what he asked for when he asked Mom for $3000 today. That will hopefully get us through without us having to struggle and worry until he finds a better job elsewhere cuz these people are never going to pay him shit.

Mom sent back a puzzle for me, but I don’t know if I’ll like it because it has so much of the same color in it. It was nice of her, though.

So Tom wouldn’t be going over there empty-handed, I gave him some hard candy to give to Mom.

I got a bright idea today. I mean, it’s a hell of a long shot and all that, but it hit me that there’s a way to list the stuff I want to sell for free and for an unlimited amount of time. Through Webshots! I’ve seen people trying to sell things through them before, including snakes. So, with shipping included in the price, I’m asking $120 for Samantha, $50 for Amelia, $35 for each vinyl doll, and $25 for each plate. I know no one will buy them, though, not just because of the curse on me, but because they probably wouldn’t trust me, not that I could blame them. After all, I could rip them off completely by not sending the product once the money was received, though I wouldn’t do that.

I’m out of debt now too, thanks to Mom, so now begins my New Year’s shopping spree save-up. Between the things I save, the Walmart card and my birthday and Christmas money, I hope to order two nice dolls in January, in which case I’d go for the most expensive ones like Alexa and Becky because they’d take more time to save up for. I probably won’t receive them till late February, so about 4 months from now. There are 3 things that are important to me when I make the order and that’s that they have beaded armatures, realistic-looking eyes and inset lashes. I hate those phony, painted-on lashes they sometimes do for the lower lashes. That’s okay on small dolls, but not on these big 28” and 29” dolls.

It looks like winter’s finally setting in. We didn’t need the AC last night or all day today! That alone will save us a ton of money.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2003
Wow! I stopped Tom’s cold from setting in. I didn’t know I could do that! Therefore, I’m putting a spell on the cavity I got brewing and hopefully it’ll close up. I haven’t had any irritation within that tooth so far today and I put the spell on it last night before bed. Anyway, the night before last Tom fell asleep really early, feeling run down and like he was coming down with a cold. That’s when I set to work immediately doing my thing. It’s cool that I can make an asshole sick, but it’d be even cooler if I could cure our ailments.

Another not-so-great sample came in the mail yesterday and that was these vitamin mixes that you mix in water. The tropical one wasn’t very good and I sure as hell wasn’t about to try the orange one, knowing how much I hate citrus.

I was at the incense site and read through their everyday bargain page to find that for every 10 packs you buy, you get 2 free packs of the same size, so I’m getting 12 freebies and a total of 76 scents which will be: African Sunrise, Almond, Amber, Angel, Baby Powder, Banana, Bayberry, Beautiful, Blueberry, Brown Sugar, Bubble Gum, Bubblicious, Butt Naked, Butter Rum, Butterscotch, California Spring, Caramel Apple, Cedar, Chanel, Charisma, Chocolate, CK 1, Cleopatra, Climax, Coconilla, Coconut, Coffee, Cool Water, Desert Sage, Escape, Eternity, French Vanilla, Fruit, Giorgio, Golden Sandalwood, Grape, Green Tea, Hazelnut, Honey, Hot Love, Icy Vanilla, Intimate, Kiwi Strawberry, Kiwi, Lick Me All Over, Mango, Maple, Midnight Lover, Mint, Musk, Night Promise, Night Queen, Obsession, Ocean Breeze, Papaya, Peaches & Cream, Poison, Pumpkin Pie, Pussy, Rainforest, Raspberry, Sandalwood, Sex on the Beach, Sexy, Shalimar, Silk Panties, Strawberry, Sunflower, Sweet Pea, Tootsie Roll, Vanilla Nut, Venice Beach, Watermelon, White Diamond, White Linen, White Shoulders.

No one’s worked on the houses in front for the last few days, but hey, every day delayed is one less day I have to hear their shit.

I still give the rabbits extra bread and lettuce, but since they’re out at night as well as during the daytime, I prefer feeding them at night so that the birds and ants don’t get any of it.

I’m still tempted to rebel against fate and try to sell the two porcelain dolls, two vinyl dolls and two plates with no reserve, figuring that if they sell, getting something for the stuff is better than nothing. I’ll have to ask Tom if he thinks it’s worth the $18 it’d take to list the stuff. I figured we wouldn’t set starting bids on anything but the porcelains - $50 for Samantha and $20 for Amelia. Should we go for it or just accept the fact that I wasn’t put on this earth to generate any money?

Later…

I decided it was worth the extra $3.30 to get 8 more scents by rounding my paid scents off to an even 70 and getting two more freebies, so I added Heaven, Queen of Sheba, Booty Call, Karess, Juniper Breeze, Joy, Jazz and Bump & Grind.

I also decided Little Fella might like it better being around me more now that his roommate’s gone, so I moved him into the office.

We’re psyched about the idea of getting small rats and new houses/tubes. We can buy the housing at PetSmart through Memolink and get 4 points for every dollar we spend. It should cost us around $60 for cages and accessories which will give me 240 points. I’m still worlds away from the 8300 I need for the $50 Walmart card but I’ll get it sooner or later.

The rats we’ll get at Pick-A-Pet in Casa Grande. They have a good selection of small, medium, and large rats.

I don’t know exactly when we’ll get these things, but I imagine we will before the year’s out.

Paula called again, and again she left no message. I’m waiting to see which story she’ll leave a message about; that she couldn’t afford it or that she sent the money. I’m just sick of being lied to. I’m sick of people who are all talk and no action and who can’t simply say “no” to the things they don’t want to or can’t do. Why is “no” such a big deal for most people? I’m tired of doing for those I can’t get shit for in return. I do so much for people, but what do I get if I should one day ask for the littlest thing from them? I get bullshitted is what I get and I’m sick of it. Loyal or not, I have no need for Paula B in my life.

I was a whole different person when I met up with Paula on Locust St. 15 years ago. Meaning, if I were meeting her today, I wouldn’t give her the time of day any more than I would with Fran and Nervous.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2003
I moved Little Fella back into a wire cage, but not the newer one. I put him in the older one for variety’s sake. I think he’s happier with more space and with wire walls to climb versus glass. The base of this cage has higher walls which prevents bedding from getting kicked out as much. Its base is also easier to dump and the door opens easier.

Here are a couple of reports I heard, one shocking, one not so shocking. The not-so-shocking one reports that childless relationships are the most likely to last, for even if a couple wants/loves the kids, it puts lots of stress on the couple and causes more disagreements than they’d normally have. The shocking one reports that those who don’t live together prior to marriage are most likely to last.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2003
The liar’s trying to call right now, but I’m just ignoring her. She may’ve been loyal all these years, but I can’t deal with any more stories from her. All she’s going to do is say she either sent the money or is going to. Meanwhile, it’s all bullshit and I know it.

In other news, sadly, Oreo died. He was gone when I got up. I have him in a little box waiting to be buried once Tom gets in.

I collapsed and washed the big wire cage and put Little Fella in a tank. Since he doesn’t wheel and wouldn’t need a wheel hogging up the space, I figured it was suitable enough for a big old lazy guy like him.

Later…

Oreo’s now buried next to Little Buddy, Houdini, Ratsy and Scuttles. We’re just glad he went fast. I hate it when they get tumors because then it is a long, drawn-out ordeal.

It’s a small world. Especially here in Maricopa. Tom met the guy who used to live next door. He’s been working there for 7 years. He’s white. Only his ex and ex-mother-in-law are Mexican. They’re divorced now, but their son goes to stay with him on weekends. Good. That way if the boy ends up being the type to blast his car stereo when he’s old enough to drive, I’ll only have to hear it 5 days a week and not 7, if we’re still here.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2003
I’m up to 1206 points on Memolink. That’s because I won lotto points for the fifth time. That’s twice I won 25 points and 3 times I won 5.

I forgot to mention that in Mary’s last letter to me, she told me some things about José that got me confused. It had been my understanding that he was in for murder connected to a drug sale gone wrong, but now Mary’s saying he’s in for killing this guy that was trying to kill him. He was supposedly working as the guy’s handyman when he attacked him and José defended himself, but due to Florida’s lack of self-defense laws, he’s supposedly in for murder because of this guy. I don’t know what to believe, and truthfully, I’d be lying if I said I even cared. It’s Mary’s business, not mine.

She’s worried that going to prison will give her a bad label for life, though I think that just like me, she’s already pretty much labeled for life and labels don’t go away. I tried to assure her that I understood how easy it can be for one to fume over bullshit labels, but to try not to let them get her down. I know and understand how falsely they can represent someone, too. If I didn’t know her and was told of her charges – theft, assault, neglect, I’d think she was a cold-hearted bitch. But I know her and I know how twisted these so-called labels and charges really are.

Same with my case. If one didn’t know me and the nitty-gritty details of my case, they probably would think I picked on the sickos next to us in Phoenix without provocation and for no good reason other than their skin color. I admit I used race as a weapon in my journal entries when in fact the real issue was their antics and harassing us. It’s like a guy who rapes. It isn’t about sex for him, it’s about rage. Sex is simply the weapon of choice used to vent that rage. Well, it wasn’t the brightest thing for me to do, not knowing the laws out here, but see how sending journal entries with racial slurs made it look like they were the victims, along with the lies and exaggerations on both their part as well as the media’s? Just because I don’t like blacks doesn’t mean I see one and say to myself, “I’m gonna go pick on them cuz they’re black.” I simply try to ignore and avoid them. It’s just that these particular ones we had to live with wouldn’t allow me the privilege of doing so, and in a state that favors blacks and is anti-Jewish, it was easy to turn the tables and make things appear to be what they weren’t. My point? I understand her worries pertaining to labels.

With all the people out here on probation, I’m surprised I don’t see Scot drive by from time to time. I almost wish I would. That way I could smile to myself, knowing it isn’t me he’s coming to see.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2003
I forgot to mention that on Friday, the first of the freebies arrived. Two-foot balm samples and two body lotions. They weren’t that great.

Instead of going to his mom’s today, he’s got a plan which is to call her during the middle of the week and let her know he’ll be stopping by next weekend. Hopefully, that will give her enough time to think about offering money on her own.

I looked at my doll chart and amazingly, I’ve only gotten 2 porcelain dolls this year. Also amazingly, I’ve gotten 14 Barbies, though 3 of them have gone to the liar back east.

When the hell is it ever going to cool off? It’s been way hot. Usually, it’s cooled down by mid-October.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2003
The Spring Bouquet Barbie came today and she is just beautiful! What a lovely gown of colorful pastels and glittery flowers. She also holds a basket of iridescent flowers.

I got a letter from Mary. The inmates continue to be loud and inconsiderate, she got the book copies, likes my haircut and that’s pretty much it. No new court dates as of yet.

I know I said I wouldn’t spend any money till after New Year’s, but I’m excited about this incense site I stumbled upon. I ordered a free sample of Black Sandalwood. Anyway, it hit me how many fun scents I can get for so much less if I get incense rather than perfume or cartridges. Why pay $20 for a bottle of Yves Rocher perfume when for just 55¢, I can have 5 sticks of each scent I choose? And why buy scent cartridges that you get so used to that you can’t even smell them after two days? With lots of different scents, I can change them so often that I won’t get too used to any of them. You get free shipping/handling on orders over $35, so as soon as I get out of debt (I still owe $25), I’m going to make a $35.20 order. I’ll try to stay away from some of the scents I’m unsure of. Some of them really do have some catchy names, though, like Pussy, Puddy Cat, Butt Naked, Sex on the Beach, and Lick Me All Over. Tom says he’s pretty sure that these are alcoholic beverages. They even have one that smells like pot – yuck! I’m psyched that they have brand-name perfumes. I love White Shoulders perfume.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2003
I was right. Another house has arrived in front of next door. It’s sort of in the middle of the property and is identical to the first one. My guess is that there’ll be one more. That one will be closest to Bitter Root. The second house is visible from the living room window and I’m sure it would be plenty visible from our parking area. This house is also tilted at a slight angle, though it is facing us. I realize they were set up this way to give each house’s front side privacy since most people hang out in front of their houses here. Same with the rentals in back. If there were people in front of every one of them, they’d have a hard time seeing each other with the way they’re set up, but if they all were in back, they’d see each other just fine. It is going to be sooo noisy with dogs. If only people out here didn’t feel so obligated to get dogs and throw them outdoors 24/7! It’s not the people I’m worried about, it’s the dogs. And I also wish there was a rule about putting more than one house on these lots, but nope. You’re allowed one house per acre. I wonder if they’ll wait till they’re all set up before people go moving into them or if they’ll move in one at a time. Either way, they’ll let us know it when they’ve arrived. Meanwhile, I’m sure God’s scrambling to pick out the noisiest families he can find just for me with lots of large dogs that run loose half the time, and spend the other half of the time leashed down barking in front.

I still wonder if whoever bought this lot didn’t buy the lot directly in front of us too, which will really, really suck once that gets housed. It’s just too open here for noisy things like dogs. Without any woods or buildings in the way, you can hear sounds from 20 miles away. I’d still prefer that than one source of noise and chaos that’s just a few feet away because the closer they are, the harder they are to block out with fans or music.

Meanwhile, I try to look at the good side of it. This just upped the value of our property even more which is now easily worth a quarter-mil. It also means we’re closer to having mail and trash services out here, too.

I don’t know if they’ll go through, but when I was freebie hunting last night, I came across a site that claims they’ll send scented postcards to whoever you want, so I did one for myself, Paula, Mary, Bob and even Palma. I figured what the hell? I had a 130-character limit so I only said something like: Been two years since I saw you. You may not remember me, but I just wanted to say hi. Doing great. Hope you are, too!

I still get stuck for a few days every few days. I’m sure I’ll go again just as soon as I get back to 130.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2003
After over a year of wanting her, I finally got the Red Hot Barbie from the Diva series. She’s way cool.

Amazingly, I woke up at 126 pounds. Naturally, I’m both famished and stuck because of it. Either way, it’s too soon to say the water pills were what was holding up my metabolism. If I were to slip under 125, then I’d pin the blame on them, and the doctor too, for not warning me about it.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2003
Today’s both Mary’s birthday and what would’ve been my final report day had both the courts and Scot not given me a break.

Today’s also the day I’ve noticed that my hair’s starting to grow back. Already! Why it grows so fast, beats me. It seems that when I hit my 30s, my metabolism not only slowed down, but the growth of my hair sped up as well.

Memolink has a new photo contest thing where you submit pictures you’ve taken yourself. The annual grand prize is $10,000, and the smaller prizes are something like $35 and $25. We decided to submit a picture of Little Buddy peering up into the camera after he jumped into a box of bottles back when I was doing community service for the welfare bums. He thinks it’ll win something, but I don’t. They get thousands and thousands of entries and rats aren’t exactly a favorite of most people. Even so, the picture’s been entered.

I’ve already got 9 pages done on my next story. As usual, the main ideas for it didn’t come till after I began the story. At first all I could think of was a security guard in an apartment complex who likes one of the tenants who likes her back. Well, I’ve decided to expand that into what I’m titling Nocturnal Obsession. I’m going to have the guard be taken and the tenant get obsessed enough with her to kill her lover.

I also had an idea for another story where this girl gets injured in a bus accident and then ends up in the hospital unable to walk for a while. The doctor that tends to her falls for her and the girl falls for her as well. Suffering from bad amnesia, the girl doesn’t remember her name or anything about her life. Once she’s well enough to be discharged, the doctor takes her in. Soon afterward, the girl remembers shooting someone in self-defense but is afraid that she’ll be accused of deliberately murdering the person. At the same time, the doctors turned out to be abusive. She wants to leave her, but the doctor threatens her with blackmail – to turn her in if she does.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2003
Today’s Columbus Day so the post office is closed. That really sucks, too. Why should we not be able to get mail today just because of someone who may or may not have discovered America a million years ago?

eBay emailed me a notice telling me what I already knew – that Samantha didn’t sell, despite the 116 views she got. I thought she’d at least get one half-assed bid, but she didn’t even get that. Like I said, I’ll never bother to try to make money again. I’ve learned my lesson.

The hair people also emailed me and confirmed that they are in Moscow and not to bother sending my hair since the postage would exceed the price of it. I’m sure it would, too.

The good news, though, is that I have two Barbies on their way rather than one. This is the last of the Barbies I wanted until new ones come out that I like. This is the Spring Bouquet Barbie. This one’s coming from Tennessee. I’m $35 in debt, but it was a good deal that I didn’t want to pass up, not knowing if another deal that good would come along.

Tom visited Mom, Miss Perfect and Dave yesterday and basically set the stage to ask for a loan next week or the week after. Meanwhile, she threw him one of her famous, piddly $20 bills. See, I know no man or woman who’s had kids could understand this, but she took him away from me when I needed him most back when I wanted a kid. His being around more wouldn’t have given me the child that was never meant to be, but still, she stole our time together and not just our money. Money can be paid back, but the issue for me is the time in which she can never repay. This is why I like to milk out of her anything we can get, and believe me, enough could never be enough. If she gave us a million dollars, even that could never be enough and more would still be greatly appreciated.

Since I’ve been getting a lot of things lately, I think I’ll save my money till after the New Year. I don’t want to be ordering stuff around the holidays anyway when things are more likely to get screwed up. I’ll wait and combine my birthday and Christmas money with whatever I save, then decide what to get then. I’ll probably get Alexa and that Kokopelli Indian doll.

I had positive money vibes between November 23rd and December 27th that had nothing to do with his family, but I don’t trust them since they are positive vibes.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2003
Not surprisingly, there’s not one bid placed on Samantha. There have been just over 100 viewings, but this was the true test. Meaning, I’m really, really not allowed to make money. But why? I just don’t see why it’s such a big deal to God that I don’t make any money. Tom suggested I try to sell something else, but no way. I know what can happen to me for going against what’s been ordered of me. If God said no to my making money, then the answer’s no, and as unfair and as wrong as that is, I have no choice but to go along with it or I’ll be punished.

I asked myself yesterday since it’s going to be a while before we’re doing better financially, if I wanted to continue saving up for Haiku now or wait till there is more money. I decided that if I found a buy-it-now price on the Red Hot Barbie, the last of the 3 divas I’ve been wanting, for $25, I’d go for it, but I found one for $20! It’s in L.A. and was sent yesterday. Monday’s a holiday, but I probably won’t get it till Saturday anyway, cuz that just seems to be the usual day dolls arrive.

God may be able to keep me from making money, but he can’t keep me from the freebies! I’ve been ordering tons and tons of free samples. In about 4-6 weeks we should be getting slammed with samples. I wish I’d kept a list of everything we’re getting. I entered Tom to win power tools, too. Let’s see, of the samples I can remember, there are things like a Celine Dion perfume sample. I didn’t even know she was doing that. There are tooth-whitening samples, tea, tampons, lotions, shampoos, conditioners and so much more.

We’re going to be bombing later on because spiders are back to showing up every day. I can delay, but not prevent us from having to bomb. We’re gonna go to Home Depot in Casa Grande to get cement to finish the rest of the posts for the outer fence we were ever so fated never to have. Watch, with our shit luck, circumstances will conveniently prevent us from ever having a pool or porches or an interior fence. It’s like something doesn’t want us making ourselves more comfortable here. I always knew that anyway and that something up there was against our moving out here in the first place.

This has been the quietest hunting season ever. They’re not even hunting on weekends. I wonder if they’ve been banned from doing so due to the population build-up out here.

I’m over 1000 points at Memolink, but there’s no way we’re going to be able to activate the casinos. Why should we? It’d mean more money for me.

I finished my book yesterday and it’s definitely my best work yet if I do say so myself. Mary and Bob will have their copies by the end of next week, but the liar won’t. I’m through doing for her and giving to her. All she had to do was say she couldn’t afford the $28 or that she wasn’t interested. That’s all she had to do. I still don’t see why the truth is so hard for so many people. Why does yes mean yes, and why does yes also mean no with most people?

To give a brief story plot summary, Misha Nichols witnesses a convenience store robbery turned to murder and is placed in the Witness Protection Program. Detective Dale Richardson sees her at the Sacramento police station and likes what she sees. She takes her into her Ukiah home and finds the feeling is mutual. Soon, the crooks are caught, she testifies at their trial, and life goes on. They marry and Misha is artificially inseminated but suffers a miscarriage. Then she slips, hits her head and gets a concussion that causes her to have memory lapses and mood swings. Dale asked the department shrink, Gail Kinkade to talk with Misha. Misha gets a bad feeling from the doctor who kidnaps her just as she regains her memory of the fall and the concussion heals and Misha gets well again. Then, Misha is held hostage in Yreka by Gail for 8 months, along with another young lady. Gail is full of strange moods and illusions. Misha one day breaks away just as Dale finds and rescues her. Afterward, she and Misha have a child and live happily ever after.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2003
Still no bids on Samantha. Now all I have to do is hope a couple of the 73 viewers return soon enough to make a bid, but I know they won’t. I don’t think there’s a money block on me at this point, I know there is. This is why it’s important I don’t bother to try to sell anything else. Not just because it’d be a waste of time, but because I’d more than likely be asking God to sic the devil on me by going against him.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2003
Surprisingly, I’m still 127 pounds and I shit both yesterday and today. Still, I know I can’t stay where I’m at forever.

Tom suggested we keep the suppressants and vitamins they sent anyway, so I was like, yeah, yeah, okay. These pills would be ideal for people with normal metabolisms. They really do suppress the appetite. I took a vitamin, but if I start getting sluggish again, I’ll stop. It just seems like an expensive way to suppress one’s appetite, though, and as I said, I can’t hold my weight where it’s at forever.

As for the Russian hair people, I have a feeling I won’t be hearing from them again. I totally enjoy being a Baldilocks, though (especially when you compare this length to what I had before). How easy it is to care for and live with! It doesn’t look as good, but hey, if I were into looks as much as I once was, then I would starve myself day after day.

Samantha’s up to 54 views, but still no bids. I swear I’ll never ever bother ever again to try to make money! It’s so not meant to be.

Got a letter and drafts from Mary today. If all her correction requests were as easy as they were this time around, then she could have me as an editor as well. As I told her, deleting, adding and changing words is no problem. It’s the moving of sections that often frustrates and confuses me.

In better news, for just $1, I got 250 points and a $20 Toys R Us card. I joined a game site through Memolink. If you like it, you do nothing and your credit card is automatically billed monthly, but you can cancel anytime and still keep your points and gift certificate, which is just what I’m going to do. I have 15 days to do it. I’ll probably do it in a week. I just wanted the points and the certificate for a Barbie. I’m up to 818 points and we still don’t know if we’ll be able to get into the casinos.

I saw a movie with Amish people in it. Maybe it’s just my hate-everyone nature, but they make me sick! Not like other races do. They’re not vicious, just stupid and somewhat disturbed. To live in the past as if it were still the 1800s just seems really asinine. Why not take advantage of modern conveniences? It just seems like if you have to play pretend, so to speak, and live in a whole different world and time long past, you’re stuck in a time warp or in denial about reality. It just seems as silly as it’d be to have an infection and not take the antibiotics available that can end your misery and maybe even save your life.

I also dislike the Amish because they’re very Bible-oriented which means they’re prejudiced against gays. From everything I’ve been told, the bible preaches hatred towards gays. It also condemns women and makes them sound like inferior beings who are worthy of nothing more than domination, control and pain. It suggests women were merely put here to marry, bear children, and please man. It seems very few religious people don’t hate gays. Mary’s such a rare case. One couldn’t get any more tolerant and accepting than she is if they tried! I truly believe that a different woman could rape Mary every day for a year and still she wouldn’t have one prejudiced bone in her body.

Same with Tom. When I asked him if he’d be friends with a gay guy he said, “Why not? It’s the person you’re friends with, not their sexual preference.” As anyone knows, straight guys are the biggest bigots when it comes to gays, so that was cool of him. Tom’s definitely never been your typical straight guy. I mean, he is as far as the fact that he stinks when he does something physical and he’s a slob, but how many straight guys can tolerate gay guys and no sex? Not many!

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2003
Wow, I’m only 127 pounds. Let me guess – that means I’ll be stuck today. I always get stuck when I’m 127. It’s like it’s my body’s way of resetting me back to 130. I’ll probably be 140 by the new year. I told Tom to send back the pills if they arrive today. There’s no sense in taking vitamins that only make me sluggish, and why take appetite suppressants if I can’t lose weight?

I did get a letter from Bob today describing all the horrible things he’s had to endure since being incarcerated. On his first day in Walpole, the guards lifted his balls to be sure nothing was taped under them, then they slid a gloved finger up his ass. That is, without Vaseline. Then they threw him in a cell loaded with shit and roaches till they moved him to a filthier cell 15 minutes later. Then he lived in a rat and roach-infested cell for 3 days and 3 nights. On the fourth day, two guards roughed him up, giving him a concussion by slamming him into the wall, twisting his arm up behind him, and punching him in the stomach. This was when they shipped him out to Concord where they searched him again in the same manner while receiving nasty comments about his privates from gay women guards. He was there for 3 months, got into a food fight with 200 people, then was shipped to where he is now. He was initially in a dorm with 42 guys where he was jumped on, knocked down, scalded in the shower, and pissed on in his sleep. He got things thrown at him, water poured on him while trying to write letters, and things stolen from him. Of course, the welfare bums had to beat him up.

They did follow through with sending the coupon for $7 off on tooth whitening strips, but I’m pissed at Paula for lying yet again and saying she was going to send the money for Yves. See, it’s this kind of behavior that makes me want to isolate myself even more. Why can’t people just do the things they say they’re going to do?! Why couldn’t she just come out and say she couldn’t afford it or wasn’t interested? Why is that such a big deal for her? No one can put their fucking actions where their mouths are!

As for Mary making bullshit promises about not sending back drafts to shuffle, the way I’m going to deal with that is to stop sending her copies. That way she won’t have the drafts to keep sending back.

I don’t know if Samantha will sell, though she’s had 32 views, but I might have sold my hair after all! Even if I get shit for it, it’s better than nothing. I got an email back from one of the few people I emailed asking if they bought human hair. They said that the price depends on the length and if it’s colored or gray, but to go ahead and send them the length of the hair. The only problem is I don’t have an address, so I’m waiting on that from them. It may take another 24 hours before I hear back from them.

Later…

My first thought was that if Samantha got no bids, I’d put one plate and one fashion doll up for auction, but no I won’t. Because if I’m right, and I’m sure I am, about a rule being placed on me about making money, then I’d only be asking to get punished if I try and defy it. Nonetheless, Samantha’s up to 36 views.

Tom said that what they meant when they said: “send us the length of your hair” was to tell them how much I cut off, not send the hair. I told them how much was cut off, but these people are in Russia and I agree with Tom that there’s no way they’re going to buy someone’s hair from the US. Why they even bothered to ask for the length, beats me. I told them up front where I am.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2003
I can see where Tom doesn’t think Samantha will sell. I went and looked and at least half or more of the porcelain dolls don’t have bids on them. Even those that are about to end. I’m still afraid that I won’t be able to sell her either way, but we’ll see. At least she’s getting a lot of viewings. We’re up to 15 in just 6 hours.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2003
Samantha is officially up for auction now. In just a few hours, she’s had 7 viewings. The auction closes in 7 days, next Sunday the 12th at about 7 PM. It cost $3.35 to list her. The only extra feature I paid for, but that only cost 10¢, was to add a second picture. I wanted to have a picture of her from head to toe, then a close-up of her face. I’m going to do the same with Amelia, but not with the fashion dolls. I’ll have two pictures for each collector’s plate too, showing the certificate on back of them.

Anyway, I set a reserve of $90 on Samantha and a starting bid of $50. The shipping is $15 and the optional insurance is $2. Tom doesn’t think she’ll sell because of all the porcelain dolls he’s seen with no bids on them. Time will tell. I still do have a no-making-money-allowed curse on me, but maybe, just maybe, I’ll be allowed to have a little control over that for once. I won’t get my hopes up, though. As it was, I was right about us not being able to find someone to buy my hair.

Speaking of that, it’s now to my shoulders! Yes, I could get used to this for a while. So much so that I haven’t decided whether or not to keep it this way for a while or to just let it go back to the middle of my ass which will only take a little less than 4 years. Since I’m not taking vitamins I’m hoping it won’t grow so fast. If I had the thin straight hair I always wished I had, then I’d probably leave it long.

Wow! In just the time it took for me to write what I’ve written so far, Samantha got two new views! I just hope someone bids rather than just looks and that I get compensated for my not being able to generate money in so long that they bid even higher than the reserve! If there are bids, though they don’t meet the reserve, I’ll probably run her for another week. If no one bids at all, then I’ll just assume the rule still applies to me not being allowed to make money and I’ll just keep her. I don’t expect people to start bidding, though, till Friday or Saturday.

What a great way to make money this would be if I only had merchandise to sell that was as popular as Barbie. I’d never have to leave the house but to pick up the merchandise for sale and send it to the buyer from the PO.

The girl who sold me this Barbie did give me positive feedback, so now I have 3.

If Samantha sells, I’m going to go ahead and get haiku, then, if all else sells as well, I’m going to get this fantastic new Indian doll Ashton-drake just got in. That will mean getting Alexa with my holiday money instead of Becky. Anyway, this doll is like a ballerina Indian doll. It’s so cool. She stands on the ball of one foot while the other leg is raised to the side and bent at the knee with her toe pointed like a ballerina. Her arms are stretched up and outwards. She’s supposed to be doing an old Indian dance to music played by a flute. She’s called Legend of the Kokopelli Doll. With shipping, she’s $143.

Getting back to my hair, I placed it in a Ziploc bag and dated it. I figured it’d be cool to save it since I can’t sell it. What a tremendous weight off my head! We made two sections and put elastics an inch below where Tom made the initial cut. After they were cut off and I held the two sections in my hand, I was like – wow! These are heavy! I may lose a pound just from cutting this 16” of hair. Washing it is so much easier and quicker and it’s heaven not having to spend 20 minutes brushing through knots. It’ll be much easier to do a French braid and high-pitched ponytails. I won’t have to sleep with it braided for a while. Before, the only way I could sleep with it was to braid it and throw the braid up over the pillow. I haven’t had it this short since I lived on Oswego St. in Springfield. I’d never go above the shoulders. Hair above the shoulders, in my opinion, detracts from a woman’s femininity.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2003
It’s been exactly 6 years since I quit smoking!

If we can ever get signed up at one of the casinos through Memolink without all the damn technical problems, I’ll be awarded 8000-9000 points. I already have 729. All I need is 8300 for a $50 Walmart certificate which is what I’ll get and have Tom turn into cash for me. That’s what I’m going to use, along with the money I’m now saving, for Haiku. It could take some serious time, though. It can take 6-12 weeks for me to receive the certificate, then 6-8 for Haiku to be made, so it might be as long as 5 months. I might receive Haiku and Becky around the same time cuz as soon as Tom picks up our holiday money, I plan to order Becky. Alexa will hopefully come via eBay sale money as I said earlier.

I know we paid a fortune for it, but I’m gonna give the Bowflex a break for a while. I figure why build muscle if you can’t lose the fat? All I’m gonna do is crunch every other day. If I don’t I’ll get a bad back. On non-crunch days I’ll jog/walk for 15 minutes. I really meant it when I said I was tired of trying to lose/maintain weight! I’m done with it. Totally done with it. I think I’ll end up as enormous as Tammy did. I’ll be able to wear the same shirts for a while, and socks, of course, but I’ll need new pants, shorts, bras and underwear. I’ll get clothes as I need them at Walmart since they’re usually cheap there and that’s where we’re doing our grocery shopping.

I gave it some thought and decided that I’m also sick of the really long hair. Just the weight, the work, the hassle and it always getting in the way. Besides, if they’re seriously going to send the dye, it’ll make it a lot easier if we cut it to the shoulders or maybe an inch below. I’m still going to dye it even if they don’t send it. I’ll put a hold on the trimmer for now, too.

Later…

We’re not sure at this point whether or not we’re going to even be able to get into any of the casinos through Memolink. The problem is that there are so many blocks on those residing in Arizona, because everything’s illegal here, including gambling from your own PC. We should know for sure in a few days. Tom’s researching other ways to get in.

My Swan Lake Barbie came today. It wasn’t quite what I had pictured. See, there are a few different versions of Barbie as Swan Queen from the Swan Lake ballet. I wanted the one with fully pointed toes versus partially pointed ones, but she’s still nice enough to keep. I considered turning around and selling her but decided not to. She wears white lace-up ballet slippers, shimmering tights, and a white tutu/bodice with light blue and white beading at the chest. The shoulders and head have clumps of feathers. She has rooted eyelashes and her dark brown hair is back in a sort of French twist with strings of pearls woven through it. She has a little silver crown, too.

I researched Melatonin and Benadryl to see if they said anything about it affecting the metabolism, but the results of my research were rather inconclusive. It’s like I always have questions and theories, but never any answers. Just what did impair my metabolism and is it forever damaged? What exactly killed my desire for sex with Tom? Was it just time and age?

I’m probably going to return the appetite suppressants and vitamins whenever they get here because there’s no point in suppressing my appetite if I can’t lose weight anyway. Also, over the last few days I’ve been out of vitamins and having nothing but my calcium supplement and have noticed I’ve had more energy. Maybe vitamins really do make you more sluggish. They do with Tom.

After Tom tinkered with the truck, we played ring toss for a while. The weather was nice today. Not so hot. Naturally, that meant the renters were out and about. They gagged me out on smoke as they were burning trash, but at least they’re burning it and not letting it blow over to us!

Tom brought up a good suggestion which I myself thought of, and that’s to see if I can sell my hair. Tomorrow he’s going to do online research and see if that will be a possibility, but he says he doubts it because people usually buy hair from people in other countries who are desperate for money that they’ll take anything they can get no matter how shitty it is, unlike Americans who expect more money. Just God’s Jodi’s-not-allowed-to-make-money rule that he’s had on me for the last decade is enough to tell me I’ll never sell it.

I don’t even know if I’ll be able to sell these dolls and plates. We set up a PayPal account in my name and the plan is to set a reserve price of $90 on Samantha and a starting bid of $50. I wanted to have only a buy-it-now option of $99, but you have to have at least 10 positive feedback messages and I only have two. After leaving positive feedback for the girl that sold me the Swan Lake Barbie, I urged her to do the same for me but I don’t know for sure that she will.

Anyway, with all the millions of eBay users, I’d think that somebody somewhere would see Samantha and realize that $90 is a good price for a dressed doll with her certificate. They won’t know I set the price at $90, though, because buyers are never told what the reserve is that’s been set. Still, I’d think someone somewhere would want her and the other things I want to sell.

Mary’s continuing to drive me crazy with the changes and shuffling. Why doesn’t she listen to me when I tell her over and over and over again I’m her typist only, not her editor? Why won’t she just wait till she’s out of there? She can’t have any money till she’s out anyway. Sometimes I wonder if she really reads my letters or if some of them don’t make it to her. She can’t seem to handle the simplest of requests like editing, her using little to no punctuation, etc. I have to fight tooth and nail to get answers from her to questions I ask like what letter number she’s up to. It’s like we have more of a business relationship than a friendship. Especially since she sends way more drafts than letters and ignores my questions like how her life is, what her cellies are like, the officers, the food, etc.

Finally, I realized that while I still want to be her friend, maybe I’m just not cut out to work for her. Maybe she needs to find a typist who will also act as editor because I just don’t always understand the changes she asks me to make.

Although I begged her not to, I’m sure the latest copy of her book will find its way back to me with shuffling requests, and like I told her, while she may’ve given me a generous supply of stamps, I don’t have an endless supply of paper and ink.

Meanwhile, I told her to think about how important having an editor and not waiting is to her and to let me know what she decides.

As I told her, I also question Scot’s credibility. It just doesn’t seem right for a lawyer to be promising to help her find a publisher when he should know that that’s illegal because she’s in jail. I’m afraid that like most people like to do, he’s just getting her hopes up for no reason and making false promises.

I’m afraid Mary’s just too hopeful and too naïve. Tom said he thinks quitting on Mary is a bad idea because he thinks I can get a good chunk of money if she does sell her story, but I know better than to get my hopes up, and I still say I’m never going to be allowed to make money. Do you know how many times I’ve been so sure that I was going to succeed with this or succeed with that? Or believed that one thing would lead to another thing and so on and so forth? Too many times! Life really is full of many disappointments if you even think for a second that life is what you plan it because it’s not. We’re all leaves blowing in the wind, destined to end up wherever we’re fated to go, not where we say we’re going. Those who say we’re in the driver’s seat of our destinies are dreaming. Some have more control than others, but for the most part, I really believe we’re like puppets in a play and that God’s written all our scripts out before humans even existed. We’re each assigned our own individual roles from there on out till the day we die.

As anyone who knows me already knows, one of God’s “themes” for me is to be an underdog stuck in bad places. Well, I keep having these disturbing dreams. In last night’s nightmare, I was thrown in jail for murdering someone I never heard of. I woke up fearing that this was a sign saying I’d one day be framed for murder and I hope not! I sure hope not. I hope it’s nothing more than paranoia that spawns these dreams. I would never and could never kill anyone for the hell of it that wasn’t trying to kill me, and last I knew, self-defense was legal even in Arizona. I could and would kick the shit out of someone who wasn’t trying to harm me, but kill? No way. I could beat up someone who either threatened me or Tom, destroyed our property or whatever. Like with most people, there are numerous things that could cause me to attack someone like if someone were suddenly here and trying to hurt the rats, smash the dolls, whatever. Everybody’s different. The quickest way to get me after you would be to threaten me, but anyway, I just hope these dreams are just dreams because when I think about it, being framed for murder and stuck in jail is totally something God would see fit to happen to me.

I guess Tom’s going to be stuck where he’s at for a while and we’re just going to have to make do with what he’s making there and hope we don’t encounter any financial crises. He just doesn’t have time to do daytime interviews when he’s working days. Somehow, I also get the feeling he’s not meant to have a good-paying job for a while anyway. It’s like we’re being compensated for doing well like we were for a while. Same with the scratch tickets. We’ve been losing horribly as compensation for that $100 winner he had. I’m not even going to bother getting tickets for a month or so.

Anyway, the people at work are back to making their bullshit promises, promising him his own computer and shit like that. As I told him, low-paying jobs are always going to promise this and promise that. That’s how they hang onto their employees.

I suggested that since I’m not going to bother with the water pills, I have a lifetime supply of snot spray, I can get inhalers over the counter, and he ought to jump back on unemployment if he can and aggressively hunt for a new job. While he’s at it, we’ll just hope to hell neither of us gets any serious illness or injuries.

The good thing about it is that they no longer ask why you left your old job, so that’s good. Back east when I was in my late teens/early twenties, you had to list your last few jobs and why you left.

We talked about how we hope to one day have the money to buy a small Bobcat tractor. We could rent one for a weekend for $200, but since we’d need it for longer than that, we’d be better off buying an old used junky one for $600. We could dig a pool with it, build hills out of dirt and who knows what else?

Using the best software he can find, we’re going to do a landscaping layout of what we want to plant where.

I just hope we can carry out these plans, but like I said, life often isn’t what you plan it.

Again I got woken up by God knows what for a few minutes, and it was exactly 4 hours after I first fell asleep.

I think it’s sad, but safe to say that whoever got my letter in Mexico was not Rosa. Guess I’m not as good of a stalker as I thought I was! I’m not sure what, if anything, I’m going to do from here.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2003
It got really windy today and the flag woke me up momentarily a few hours before I actually got up. Yeah, I knew I was due for a wake-up call anytime. I think I might remove the flagpole and quit the flags. I only have two left anyway and they’re kind of boring. I’ll just keep the little ones going that are outside my office window.

I lost one of the two remaining Barbies I wanted on eBay. Perhaps I’ll take a break from Barbie for a while and save up for Haiku, a doll I’ve been wanting for quite a while. Then, if all goes well, I’ll get Alexa with my eBay sales and either Becky or Bailey with my birthday and Christmas money.

I got my coffee samples today, which were good, but the liars never included the digital camera. They included the grinder, but the camera’s only if you order again. I told Tom I’d let him decide that. If he wants the camera that bad, I’ll order more.

I read in one of Trimlife’s emails that although water pills may temporarily rid you of excess water, they can also impair your metabolism. If it weren’t for so many doctors not informing me up front of the various side effects I’ve had, I wouldn’t be so quick to believe it, but because of my experiences, I totally believe it. Therefore, I’m not getting a refill on the stuff, even though I could now since we’re now insured again. No one told me that the inhalers caused congestion, no one told me about the TD till I got it, and no one told me the Aerobid inhalers can drive you crazy. Doctors never tell you what you should know about the medications they prescribe.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2003
The smaller angelfish died today, so now we’re down to the big angelfish, the algae-eater and one guppy. A clever idea hit me. Since I hardly use the big garden tub, I decided to fill it, stick the aerator in it, and make it their home. What better and easier way to change their water than to just pop open the drain?

It appears that the house is now in place for good, judging by the sound of the hammering I heard over there. Plus, the plastic sheet that covers the open half of the house is now off and the two halves are nearly joined. The good news is that it’s barely visible both inside and outside the house, but the bad is that it is still facing us, though not squarely. It’s sort of facing between us and next door. Hopefully, the fact that their house faces west will deter them from hanging out front and anchoring their dogs in front as well, but we’ll see.

Later…

Tom and I went to Casa Grande earlier for dinner. We went through KFC’s drive-thru for me, then went through Whataburger for him. It was the first time I really rode in the truck and how wonderful it was to have the AC! It was loud, though, and the turn signals were a little screwy. Also, the cluster of dashboard instruments was sort of dim.

This weekend will be our second attempt to get me signed up at that Desert Dollar casino. It just didn’t go through the first time around.

There’s also going to be a delay in getting started with selling stuff, too. Without thinking about it, Tom went and got a PayPal account in his name which doesn’t allow people to pay via credit card, so he’s going to get one set up in my name that will have that option. If it’s in my name, I can get credit through Memolink.

Last night I stumbled upon an excellent deal on eBay on one of the two last Barbies I want to get before the 2004 line comes out. Someone placed a bid earlier which I went and topped. If I win it’ll cost $25 and will come from Phoenix. Tomorrow or the next day I should get the one I won last weekend.

One of the survey sites is starting to really pick up in surveys, and therefore in points as well. Instead of being given a million in one chance to win a million dollars or something like that or having various prizes to choose from when you accumulate so many points, it’s a penny a point with them, so 1000 points is $10.

One of them mentioned sending hair dye to use as part of a survey, so he got me two boxes of dye of either brown or auburn. Whatever it was is going to fry my hair so I kind of hope they don’t send it despite all the gray I’ve been accumulating. I don’t think they will, though. Do you know how many people said they were gonna send this or they were gonna send that that never did? A lot! I was supposed to get pain relievers, magazines, tooth whitening strips, etc., yet they’re all full of shit. Why people feel so compelled to say they’re going to do things they don’t intend to do is beyond me.

Tom said he’s thinking of asking Mom for some money at the end of the month with the hopes of her giving more than he asks for.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2003
How sad it is to know you have to burn 3500 calories to lose a pound, but it only takes 1400 of food to gain one. Nobody should gain weight from 1400 in a day. Nobody. There’s got to be some other reason I gain weight so easily besides age. Is God just that determined to see I don’t get my way or what?

Of course, I’ve been stuck for days, too.

Once again, I’m so close to saying fuck it! But saying that and eating what’s considered to be a reasonable amount of food, versus trying to have 1400 or less, means gaining tons and tons of weight. I don’t want to spend my extra money on clothes as I continually go up in size.

I also don’t want to feel like I’m starving half the time just to stay 30 pounds overweight either.

If it’s any consolation to myself it’s that I don’t have to deal with this problem if I choose not to. I was forced, for example, by the freeloaders but no one can force me to deal with this not being able to lose weight shit if I don’t want to. Nonetheless, I agreed to go along with Tom’s suggestion. He’s going to measure the ratios of the different food groups for us for a few weeks and see what we’re taking in. Then, it’s off to the doctor. I’m going to tell them, look, I’ve been working out, drinking lots of water, eating sensibly, so what’s going on here? Tom says there are several possibilities. He said I could have diabetes which my mother and grandfather had. As funny as it may sound, I hope they do find something wrong because then I’ll at least understand what’s going on and have a shot at doing something to make losing weight possible once again. But if they come up empty, then I’ll know something up there’s doing this to me just to do it and not letting me lose weight just to have control over me and piss me off.

Something’s gotta be wrong. I understand that losing weight gets harder with age, but impossible? Totally impossible? I can’t even get down to 125 anymore! After a week of nearly starving myself to death, I can lose a few pounds, but as soon as I have a measly 1400 calories like I did yesterday I go back up.

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Last updated July 13, 2024