June 2003 in 2000s

SATURDAY, JUNE 28, 2003
I awoke to a rather disturbing sight out front. Maybe it doesn’t mean anything, but we’ll see. Well, there’s an old trailer, similar to the one we stayed in, parked between the two shacks. Tom said that this changes his theory of what the guy was looking for now that he sees it there. He thinks he was looking for a way to hook electricity to it, but not to worry because they can’t. This is because we took their transformer when we moved in, and they wouldn’t install a new transformer for a trailer.

But what if they sold that corner of the land to someone who plans to haul in a manufactured house? That’s not even 200’ away from us! That would totally, totally suck. We’d hear their dogs barking without a problem, we’d hear their kids screaming without a problem, and we’d certainly hear their music if they were the type to play their music for others as well as for themselves, and if it could move in that close to us, fate would make damn sure they were definitely the type. This would be way too close for dogs, people and trash that people are too lazy to burn that they just let ride with the wind. Over here, that is.

This is what I mean when I say that I don’t have to go looking for trouble cuz trouble always finds me. It’s also what I mean when I said I feared that once the freeloaders were done turning my life inside out, God would send a new source of trouble to badger me with that he knows I’d have no control over. If there’s a house coming in there, God will definitely find the loudest family he can to put over there. If we’re going to have people that close to us, then shit, we may as well be on a 5-acre lot or sell half of our 10 acres, but then again, why double the trouble? Then Tom came out and suggested that maybe if we did sell it, we could sell it to someone we knew like Meagan and Stacey a few years from now. I don’t know if having it be someone we know would necessarily be any better. For one, we’d lose all say in what went on over there. Besides, I know how people are. You not only can’t tell others what to do, but you can’t even ask them politely. I learned that the hard way in Phoenix. The more you ask, the more they go the other way. That means we’d be forced to listen to the people, dogs and music they’d have going, and forget about trying to get them to call first before knocking on the door. I also think Meagan and Stacey are a little too young. At that age, gay or straight, you tend to want to party and be more sociable.

Mary would be a lousy candidate. She not only doesn’t drive, but she’s too much of a people person. She’d always have people visiting and I know all too good and well just what kinds of people she’d have out here. I wouldn’t want vindictive, violent drunks out here like Derek and her mother.

At least screaming kids wouldn’t be an issue with Meagan and Stacey like it would be with Mary, cuz I still think Mary’s going to pop one out after another once she gets out simply because that’s just what she does. So, unless God sees fit to destroy her uterus with cancer, tumors, cysts or whatever, she’ll just pick up from where she left off when she gets out and spit them out regularly with all kinds of losers and abusers. I have to see her get out and live differently in order to believe she’s capable of change. Well, I know she’s capable. Question is, does she want to change? Right now, if she can send all kinds of letters and money to the likes of José, then no, I’d say she isn’t in the mood to change just yet. Of course, there’s still always the chance she’ll be on intense probation forever which would curb her “manly activities.” Unless she wanted to get thrown back in jail, she simply could not associate with all kinds of criminals like she does.

Another reason I’m wary of having friends move onto our land is that if we get into a fight and that friendship ends, we’d be stuck having to live with each other, and anyone who knows me knows that while I’m hard to win over as a friend, I’m very easy to lose since I’m not the forgiving type. To me, to forgive means to kiss ass and to say, “It’s ok to go ahead and wrong me for I’ll only forgive you in the end, which basically means I’ll let you get away with it.” I learned that the best thing to do is to stay mad. It keeps you from getting fucked over again and again if you do. Who knows? Maybe in 10 years or so, Mary will decide to dump me. Meanwhile, if she’s not living here with us, she’ll never have to see me again.

Anyway, maybe the trailer’s just being stored there. After all, they have another one stored on the opposite corner. I find it hard to believe that it’s just someone visiting or storing their trailer there, but we’ll see. When it does get noisy around here, I’ll just have more fans and music going. It can never get as noisy as it was in Phoenix, and besides, I’m indoors so much of the time. If it is someone visiting, they’re going to have to either stay in the house or get a generator as it’s way too hot for anyone to live in it without electricity.

Still no signs of life at the rental. I think they’ve been coming in after dark. It’s the weekend so maybe there’s someone there now, though it’s too hot for them to be out and about. It’s obvious, though, that the trash wasn’t dumped by accident. They deliberately tossed it, or else it would’ve been picked up a long time ago. I wish there were littering/dumping laws out here, not that they’d do much good in this remote place. It’s harder to enforce such things when you live this far out. I doubt much more than 5 cars a day go down our street if even that.

The current of our hundreds of truck holdups is that we’re waiting on the pension money for the new windshield it needs. At least the unemployment check’s on its way.

Still no call from Mary. I’m surprised. I’d have thought she’d have gotten my letter saying to go ahead and call by now.

I decided not to rewrite the beginning of my Kate story simply because I know I could never get it published. Getting something published is so, so very hard and I’m not a known name writing about true crime. Tom said that even Mary might have a hard time getting her book published once the time comes as by then she’ll be old news, but she has a hell of a lot better chance than I ever would have. Let’s just say my Kate story is another one of those many things I did just to do it because I enjoy writing.

Tom said that when he reached into the small bath cabinet for the shower unclogger, there were good-sized daddy longlegs in it, so I’m reapplying the spell. I may never get it perfect in here, but if I can keep us from getting things in here on a daily basis and from needing to bomb, then that’d be way cool with me. I must apply the spell regularly, though.

I’m thinking of putting the Sydney doll back on my list, but not the Apache doll. We’ll see. Mary’s $100 would’ve been nice as I could’ve gotten Sydney and Dalene with it, but it’s like with fences – it ain’t happening, and if it does, it ain’t happening anytime soon.

Later…

Tom went to bed after spending his birthday relaxing.

We saw a coyote go by which is cool. The cottontails went running for cover, even though the coyote didn’t seem to notice them. Cottontails are very sensitive to nearby predators.

What’s cool is that I’m seeing roadrunners every day. For someone who doesn’t care for birds in general, I sure do think they’re quite awesome.

Later…

I got up at 5:00. I’ll be up till about 9:00 which means I’ve got about 11 hours left of starving to do. Argh! As I figured would be the case, I’m stuck. I really hope I don’t go hanging onto everything I eat as not shitting it out really defeats the purpose. It’ll mean all my hard work was for nothing, as is usually the case with me. It’s just got to work, though. If you don’t open your mouth and put food in it, how can you not lose weight? I just hope it doesn’t take a month for my system to adapt as I don’t want to have to do this diet for more than a month. I was hoping more like 2-3 weeks of this not eating every other day would be enough.

I woke up at 128 and I hope I’ll wake up tomorrow at 124 and not put back more than 2 pounds after I consume the 1400 or so calories I plan to have.

Still no call from Mary. I still can’t believe an inmate in another state whom I never even met tried to use me. It was one thing to get bombarded with requests while inside the jail in Phoenix, but to get begged for this and for that from across the country by a complete stranger? That is so fucked up! And I don’t care if Mary gets upset that I said no. I doubt she will as I’m sure she’ll understand where I’m coming from, but if not, so be it. I have nothing to lose if our friendship ends. If anything, she’s the one that will lose. She needs me a hell of a lot more than I could ever need her. At least one of us can say no! That’s something I don’t mind doing for her. The next time someone begs her to beg me for whatever, she can have me write back saying no, though I’d prefer it if she wouldn’t tell people what we’ve got. If they don’t know we have a scanner, then they can’t beg me to scan their pictures, though they’d just think of something else. Hell, they’d beg me for a plain piece of paper! That’s fine, though. Let them. I’ll just take that blank piece of paper and enclose it in a letter to Mary with a big old ‘fuck you’ all over it.

Still no signs of life at the rental. Tom said all he’s heard is barking. It could be that they’ve been spending a lot of their time someplace cooler, though someplace that’s not too far so someone can return to feed the horse and dogs unless they’re having someone else do it. Their porch light still comes on at night, but that could be on a timer.

Now we’re thoroughly confused as to what the scoop is with the Indian doll. They never actually took the money after all. Tom said they made like they were going to but never did. Maybe there was a problem that suddenly arose. Like maybe we weren’t high enough up on the waiting list or something, but I’m getting sick of waiting. I wish they’d quit PGing me and just send the fucking thing!

There wasn’t quite enough money this weekend to order the ornaments, so I’ll be doing that next weekend. That means I should receive them by the 10th.

Tom started recording videos into the computer just like he did with his old records. I want to digitize things like the circus and the home videos we made.

FRIDAY, JUNE 27, 2003
Last night the two of us did something together for a change. Usually, he’s off either at the computer or the TV, and I’m off either at the computer or the MP3 station. We played a word game on my computer.

They cashed the check for the fairy a few days ago and they finally took the money for the Indian doll too, so I hope they’re both on their way, along with the camera and CDs. I decided to drop that other Ashton Indian doll along with Sydney, so I can get on with getting kits once I get Barbie and Dalene.

Again I changed my diet date. I’m going to start on the 29th, the day after his birthday. Better to be fat than ugly, though. Fat can be lost, but when you’re ugly there’s not much you can do about it.

People are unbelievably persistent and pushy! I keep unsubscribing from all the junk emails I’ve been getting, but the stupid fucks go and send me the shit anyway.

I’m starting to believe that the reason the renters started dumping their trash is that they’re never home anymore. I know it’s been hot, but I haven’t seen hardly any activity back there. I think they’re coming in late and are just too tired and lazy to burn their trash and that’s why they’re dumping it. Most of what I’m seeing are garbage bags. It appears that as soon as they fill one up, they just open the door and chuck it out. At least they’re quiet!

Meagan called Tom last night to tell him she quit because they’ve been treating her like shit because they know she’s friends with Tom. That’s typical; treating someone like shit cuz you don’t like someone they know. I used to get that back east. People automatically disliked me if they disliked Dureen. Anyway, she wrote on their little chalkboard: I quit. Fuck you.

He still hasn’t contacted a lawyer because he fears that doing so before we get our pension money will cause the bank to spite us out of it which I fear they may do anyway. People are sore losers.

I still don’t think God would ever be kind enough to let us win a settlement on account of their shit. And profit from being screwed over? I don’t think so! Getting fucked over, ripped off and used is the story of our lives. So much so that I’m rather irritated by Mary once again and her many favors. She’s getting too pushy again where others are concerned. I don’t know how many times I have to tell her that I’m her friend, I work for her, and I’m sick of doing for strangers. I’m just sick of working so hard for so little! And almost always for someone else. If I’m going to work really hard, I want it to be for me for once. Not a fucking fellow inmate of hers.

She started off by saying she wanted me to scan pictures of her friend Buffy, but then she went on to say that she was too scared to say no to this chick as much as she knows I hate doing for others. I was like, well, if you know I hate it, then why ask? And if you’re scared of her, why do you call her a “friend” and why don’t you PC yourself? She swears she’s going to learn to say “no,” and I’m like, oh yeah? When? When she gets ripped off another 50 times. She fucked herself over by giving this bitch $100 worth of commissary in exchange for having her boyfriend send me a $100 money order to send to José. How could she have been so dumb, naïve and trusting? I know I’ll never see that money order!

She said she didn’t care if I scanned the pictures really small and in black and white and that she promises never to ask me to do for others again. Oh, and also, I was to include a note in the stamped envelope she sent saying that I ran out of color ink and that I don’t do for strangers (since she obviously didn’t have the guts to tell this bitch herself).

Finally, I said this is it. If she can’t say no, I will, and I sent all the pictures back without scanning them and with a note saying that I don’t do for strangers. Oh, and there’s no picture limit, she says, and I’m like now you tell me? I could’ve sent her shit a lot faster if I’d known this before. In fact, I’d have just thrown it in one big envelope. They get a Rubbermaid box to store their papers in, she tells me.

Anyway, in a separate envelope, I wrote back telling her that I hated to sound like her mom or aunt lecturing her, but I obviously needed to remind her that when I said I didn’t like to do for strangers, I meant just that. I’ve agreed to mail her mail to Jose and to type for him provided he’s willing to pay me for my work, but that’s it as far as others go! I will not be used, abused or ripped off at my own expense by these people. I’ve had enough of that shit.

She’s got to learn to put her foot down and to say no or else she’s looking at a lifetime of people using her for this and begging her for that, etc. I also would like her to not tell anybody what we have (scanners, printers, computers, etc.). There’s no need for anyone there to know my name or a damn thing about me. If they see a picture of me on the wall, all she needs to say is that it’s a friend of hers, if they ask. Meanwhile, I never like people to know what we have because I know they’re going to want to use it and the answer’s NO! I’ve been a slave to society long enough and have done my time with that.

Another thing that has me a bit irritated is her sending the $100 to José. It’s not like we’re hard up for money (at least not at the moment), but I kind of had my heart set on the money for July, something I prefer more than stamps, though the book of stamps she sent was certainly nice to get, and now I find it’s gone to José. Well, actually, it’s gone to Buffy’s boyfriend more than likely.

Hasn’t she figured out by now what most inmates are like? Yeah, there are a few sane, nice, innocent exceptions like us, but most inmates really are guilty and they are assholes! If she suddenly snapped her fingers and turned all the people there into just ordinary citizens, think it’d still be that loud? Think so many people would still be hounding her for this or for that? Think there’d still be so much bickering and immaturity? No, there wouldn’t. Most people are fucked up no matter where they are, but let’s just say that if the people there were suddenly regular citizens, she wouldn’t feel so much like she were in the middle of elementary school recess. Like I said, she’s just too nice and she has too much of a good heart. She really needs to start becoming somewhat of a bitch and not give a shit so much about what others think. It’s like what I went through with the blacks and Mexicans. As soon as I handled them the wrong way and sent them the wrong message, they just kept picking and picking and picking. Once they see they can walk all over her, they won’t quit. She doesn’t have to be rude but she does have to be firm. As long as she’s a bright beautiful flower, the bees will always flock to her ready to sting the hell out of her at the first opportunity. I suggested she seriously consider telling the moochers there two things – that she’s not there to be their source of entertainment, nor are they her responsibility to support.

She can only give money if someone picks it up, so because she has no family or friends there if she wants any money to reach me or José, then her best bet would be to have her family send the money directly to me and him, although I don’t know if they’d want to send money to a convicted murderer. Anyone else she has pick the money up is just going to pocket it for themselves.

I’d also watch what she gives José, I told her. I know she’s been used by so many guys before and that’s why I say this. I never met the guy so maybe he is different than Clarence, Derek, Todd and Monster, but I doubt it. I’d still like for her to tell me about him, but she’s obviously not going to. She keeps saying she will, but it’s clear to me that she doesn’t want me to know anything about him.

She says she sent the money because he’s had no money. If he’s in prison, though, can’t he get a job within the prison?

I’m sorry to hear she couldn’t resolve the commissary rip-off, but I know God made sure that happened because those 6 books of stamps were for me, and most of the work I do isn’t worthy of payment in his eyes. Instead, she can spend her money on losers. God will go for that. She can shower José with money just like she did with Clarence and so many other cocks who never gave a damn.

She says Buffy’s going to prison soon. Real soon, I hope, for her sake, though there’s always other Buffy’s waiting to replace the first one. This is the one that likes me. I took one look at her picture and was like, it figures a fat ugly bitch like that would be attracted to me. I don’t care how mean or hypocritical I sound either. I may be a mean-ass bitch, but at least I’m honest. See, if one asked me if I liked their new outfit, for example, most people would be polite and say yes, even if they didn’t. Not this bitch! No, I’ll tell the truth because with me yes means yes, and no means no. I won’t be mean about it and say, “It’s hideously ugly,” but I’ll say something like, “Nah, I think you could do better than that.” Either way, why can’t good-looking women be attracted to me more often, not that I’ll ever get it on with one? I mean, I know I’m fat, but I don’t think I’m ugly.

As I made clear to her, I’m not saying I’m perfect and that I know it all. Believe me, if anyone has a million things they wish they’d handled differently, it’s me. There are lots of things I regret doing or saying or not doing or saying for that matter. I just wish she’d listen to me when I say don’t be so nice and so trusting, and also, listen to me when I say I don’t do for strangers. Meanwhile, if by some miracle I really do get the money order, I’ll do as she wishes and fill it out with the proper info.

She now says she’s sending me money in August, and I’m like, yeah, right. Whatever. I know I won’t get anything till she’s out of there, not that I wouldn’t want to work for her. I like typing, I wouldn’t have to worry about schedules, she’s my best friend, so what better deal could I ask for? For now, I think I may eventually sell kits for twice the amount I pay for them (after I assemble them) to get out of the expense of a kiln and the burden of firing, painting, etc. I found a site that has really good deals on their kits. They even set the eyes and lashes which is very hard to do. You have to drip candle wax on the outside of the eyes while you epoxy them so the epoxy doesn’t ooze through. It’s a big to-do that’s messy, smelly, and just a plain old bitch.

She says there are shadow men there too, going around and stirring things up, the mattresses are softer, and she sleeps mostly during the day, though I don’t see how she can sleep through the riot there, and they play musical cells on her there, too. Guess they just love to move people around in jails. It’s a power thing, you know? Makes them feel more in control.

She mentioned getting letter #30 and tomorrow I’ll mail out letter #39.

At least Mary doesn’t have a hold on me of any kind if worse ever came to worse. She has no money of mine or any items belonging to me. I can simply pull out if need be and that will be it. She’s white, so she couldn’t use race against me. She could call or send mail, but that’s a hell of a lot easier to ignore than trying to ignore a pack of loud welfare bums just a few feet away from you!

Because I haven’t gotten any mail from Paula, it leads me to think she is in jail. I’d think she’d have tried calling by now if she weren’t, then went and wrote a letter for real once she found the number disconnected.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 25, 2003
No wonder Mary hasn’t been working on her book. It’s not just the noise and interruptions by rude beggars needy of entertainment, but she’s got so much of her time tied up in writing her current criminal of choice. But if it makes her happy, so be it.

I’ve been busy working on my own book, and come a few months from now, depending on if I get any money for working for Mary, I might be putting doll kits together instead of getting a kiln and all the supplies needed for that. I discovered at www.tracystreasures.com a really good deal on a wide variety of dolls and kits, though no one seems to be fully stocked like JBS is. They don’t have Alexa and several others, but I’m sure they could order them. This is the first site where I found a good deal on Haiku. It isn’t just that they’ve got good prices, it’s how complete their kits are. The kits come with everything needed to assemble dolls except the rock-hard putty that sets the limbs and the filling. They not only set the eyes for you, but they do the eyelashes too, the two hardest parts of the assembly, and also the pate and wig. You can change hair and eye colors, but wig changes may require an additional charge which is fine with me. So maybe this is what I’ll do. It’ll cost about the same in the end, maybe even less in some cases. Instead of buying the kiln and all that, I’ll just assemble the kits I want for myself, then maybe sell some, though I’d mainly prefer a typing job in the end when Mary gets out and really pursues a career as an author unless she changes her mind and wants to do something else. If she has more kids that will limit her options, but that will have to be up to her. This may be just me, but I know I’m glad I didn’t have kids for that reason and others. Anyway, I think I’m meant to work for others, but if it’s going to be for a damn good friend who won’t use and abuse me at my own expense, that’s fine.

Anyway, I think I’ll drop the Sydney doll and just get those ornaments, the Red Hot Diva Barbie, Dalene and one more Ashton Indian doll, so I can then get on with getting the big, realistic Jade/Joy/Bailey type dolls. I don’t know when I’ll be saving for the mannequin. That will depend on when we think we can go to California to get it.

Next spring when the wildflowers come back out, I’m going to press them between sheets of glass. I think that’d look way cool.

The new house in front hasn’t been worked on yet. I still say one person bought 5 or 10 acres, split the land, and is waiting to haul in a couple more houses before they assemble/sell them. Let me guess…the one closest to us will be chock full of screaming kids and barking dogs and who knows what for music? There’ll be someone home constantly and people will hang out in front, which faces us, as often as the weather permits them to. At least due to the direction the wind blows, we shouldn’t get much of their trash over here. Just their dogs which I’m sure will be banned from indoors and allowed to roam loose. Another “at least” is that they’ll be white. Welfare bums can rarely afford a house as nice as this one is. I just hope God won’t send us an exception. I am not living with welfare bums again! Not even at 450’. Even that’s too close. Anyway, it may up the value of the properties around here, but if I can hear the dogs two properties away diagonally from us, then I’ll certainly hear the one that’s one property away diagonally from us. This is why we may as well get our own dog someday, but we’re going to treat it as part of the family and not old furniture to be tossed and stored outdoors at all times.

TUESDAY, JUNE 24, 2003
I don’t know what took these renters this long to become such slobs, but now that they know they can trash other people’s land and get away with it, I don’t expect they’ll quit anytime soon. Of course, if anyone did complain, that’d just make things worse, unless the complainant was George, someone with leverage, but George doesn’t give a shit what people do. I’m just tired of the sloppiest, loudest and or largest families having to be closest to us and I just wish we had the fucking fences! But we’re not going to, and if we do, it’ll be an indefinite amount of time till we do, so I may as well just accept that it could very well be years before we’re fenced.

It looks like the Mexican chick’s boyfriend or husband next door is white. White and bald. We just saw him fumbling with an electrical box on one of the old shacks. He was too lazy to walk over there too, so he drove his white pickup. I’ve never seen that truck before and thought it was someone who didn’t live there, but Tom said he’s seen it parked there. He was apparently looking for parts, I guess. They must’ve had a blown fuse or something. I’m just glad those shacks are too small for anyone to live in, not that they’d have a way to get electricity to them, cuz that’d be way too close to us. The shacks are practically on the corner of their land, barely 200’ from us. Too close for dogs. I’m amazed the old rundown things can stand up to the wind we often have out here.

A different pickup just pulled in knocked on our door, then went next door after they got no response. Tom wanted to go out and see what they wanted which was probably to either use a phone or get directions, but I said no, and that we should stick to our deal of not opening doors to anyone we’re not expecting.

I’m going to start my diet on July 1st. That will make it easier to keep track of. I’m figuring it’ll take me about 3 weeks of eating every other day only to lose a sufficient amount of weight. It’ll be tough, but it’ll sure beat dieting for 3 or more months! The only problem I’ll probably run into in the beginning is getting stuck. Most people get stuck when they begin new diets until their bodies get used to it.

They cashed the check for the fairy so I’m hoping it’s on its way, and of course, we’re also expecting that camera, the Indian doll and CDs. The camera will come with digital editing software so I can edit Kate. I decided that rather than saving whole episodes, I’d just edit scenes with Kate in them, then burn those onto CD. Then, when we get a DVD recorder (we only have a DVD player) I’ll transfer them to that.

I was laughing my ass off earlier after I commented about Tom being 80% gray. Especially in the front and sides. At first he was like, “No I’m not!” Then when I showed him pictures of him a decade ago to prove myself right, he was like, “That’s it. I’m dying my hair for sure.”

What’s the difference between how much gray he has now as opposed to a decade ago? About the same difference as the size of my face now and a decade ago. In other words, there’s a fairly significant difference!

Later…

I’ve been trying to urge him to get more stuff done around here while he has all this free time because wherever he works next, he’s not going to have that much free time. Maybe he’ll have a little more than he did, but not that much more. If we’re not going to put up fences anytime soon, then he could be doing other things. For one, the trash we buried by the well that’s exposed itself a bit over time could use some more dirt, the pipes we drive over that sit in the wash could use more dirt, and the old garden fence of chicken wire could be torn down.

Meagan emailed Tom saying she was going to court to get her last name changed to Stacey’s, and also, one of her students asked if she was a lesbian. If I were her, I’d like to have said, “Yeah, I am, deal with it,” but in gay-hating Arizona, her best bet would’ve been to tell her student that it was none of their business. It’s true, and her preference has nothing to do with teaching high school mathematics anyway.

MONDAY, JUNE 23, 2003
The 3 mugs I ordered came today and are so cute!

Also, we have to give home gardening one more shot. Especially after I read that their hybrid willows are supposed to grow even faster than the poplars! In just two years they can be well over 10’. I’m just worried about the wildlife. I want privacy much more so than to watch the wildlife, as cute as they are, that I’m really tempted to poison them if they continue to not let us plant anything other than olies and bougies which take forever to grow.

Mary did hear back from José and I take it he was thrilled to hear from her. She had me send him my joke file and says she’s still grieving it out with the jail and ordering more stamps that she says she’ll send. I know she’ll send them when she can. I could always use them, too! At least she got the books her family ordered. One’s a math book to help her obtain her GED. She says she doesn’t get much more of it than the basics. As I told her, I hated math with a passion. Math and history bored me to tears. So did English, though not as bad as math and history. Of the standard subjects, I did the best in science.

I also mailed letters from her to José like I have been, and noticed that 4 of the 5 envelopes to him were stamped on the back. Obviously, someone there is hoping to ensure that it ends up being returned to her, but maybe they’ll make it to him anyway. I also hope his mug made it into her.

Anyway, I really appreciate the way she appreciates any help I’ve given her, which I am always much obliged to give. It’s just that so many people would take it for granted, but not her. And I’m also touched to know that she trusts me as much as she says she does. I trust her too. I feel that when she’s out, anything I might lend her will always get returned to me in the end. And I feel I could confide in her about personal, confidential things.

I’ve been lazing off on my story lately big time, but oh well. I’ll get to it when I get to it.

Tom ordered a $135 digital camera that’s supposed to be better than the one we’ve got. It’s faster and it does movies, too. The one we’ve got has been blurring up a lot lately and I have to keep playing with the switches to focus it.

Tom’s been filling out all kinds of applications so we can collect unemployment, but he hasn’t contacted any lawyers yet. He’s waiting to square away the unemployment issue first. He says he thinks we’ll get it, but if not, he’ll file an appeal.

SUNDAY, JUNE 22, 2003
A while back we had decided, what the hell, so we took advantage of a deal BMG Music was offering and got 12 CDs for the price of 1. We picked the rest of our freebies today. He picked 3 CDs and I picked 7. After I audition them, I’ll rip the songs I like. Meanwhile, I’m going online and looking up songs by artists and downloading those too, to see if there’s anything else I like by people I know and like.

Tom pulled the fallen cactus with the truck yesterday outside of where the fence we’ll never have would’ve been. That way he won’t have to worry about needles scattering all over and getting in the tires since it was right in the middle of the new driveway we created.

It’s been really hot. Not good for our electric bill, but it sure does keep the renters inside. Nowadays, the only voices we hear on our land are our own.

Yesterday, one of those black king snakes was incredibly brave around us. It sat with its head a few inches outside of a hole and watched us set up two sprinklers that just had to be broken (we wanted to use one that swept back and forth for the palms).

The more I think about it, the more I think and vibe that Mary really will sell her book and that a movie just might come of it, too. Who knows? Just maybe I am working that home job I’ve always wanted, after all, cuz if Mary makes a large sum of money, I know she’ll pay me a percentage. We did the math, and technically, at our ages, all we’d need would be $300,000.00 - $500,000.00 to live comfortably for the rest of our lives. We really don’t need millions, though we’d certainly take it over nothing.

We discussed getting two twin waterbeds and placing those side by side, but I’m sure this will be one of the many things we talk about and never do. Besides, why would two friends need to sleep together?

He gave me a back rub the other day and a foot massage too, when they got sore, but I try not to tell him what I like because he’ll just do something else. I never met a person like him who gets off on turning his mate off like he does. It’s really weird. It wasn’t just sex he liked to turn me off with, but other things as well. I’d tell him, for example, not to scratch my feet with his, yet he’d do it anyway.

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2003
The bank finally decided to call, and of course, as we fully expected, they proclaimed their innocence. First thing Monday morning, Tom will begin his hunt for a determined lawyer. However, I’m afraid they’ll all turn him down, as God seems to love to protect his perps as well as mine. We’ll see, though. Maybe for once, God will be on our side and let us have what is rightfully due to us.

Meanwhile, he went to Casa Grande today to do some paperwork in order to obtain unemployment.

I’ve been cursing the hell out of these walls, ceilings and floors as hard as I can again against spiders because I thought I saw one in the small bathroom today. I can’t swear that that’s what it was, but I think it was.

Yesterday and today were incredibly windy. Mother Nature’s done us a favor, though, by having the wind blow to the north which has sent some of the renter’s trash across Meadow Green, away from us.

My Vive le Ballet ornaments arrived today and they look way nicer in person than in their pictures. Most sites don’t have the greatest quality pictures, so I couldn’t tell just how sparkly they’d be! The one in pink has painted brown hair, the one in white has painted black hair, and the one in purple has hair painted such a light blond that she almost looks like a skinhead. They’re all still quite lovely and are hanging from my office valance. I was going to hang them in the kitchen from mug hooks, but instead I’ll hang the next set I’m going to save for on them. I’m going to get the Wings of Wonder set next. They’re really nice and shiny too, with 22-karat gold wingtips. They’re supposed to come in a really nice ornament box, too.

THURSDAY, JUNE 19, 2003
Tom helped Meagan move a very big sectional couch yesterday and for it he got a cut finger and so hot and sweaty that we have to wait till today for our groceries. At least he got some soda and pizza while he was there. I just hope she doesn’t turn into a user. I know how much God loves to see us get used and ripped off. I also know how Tom can be too nice to say no.

Tom’s waiting on an over-the-phone job interview call and has begun putting in applications. We’re still waiting on the pension and unemployment. Meanwhile, the bank hasn’t responded which kind of surprises Tom, but not me. He figured they’d call saying, “Well, we didn’t do anything wrong as far as we’re concerned, but to keep you from taking this any further, we’ll either offer you your job back or pay severance.”

He thinks they’re just not sure how to respond, but I say it’s typical stubborn, spiteful human nature that most people have that are willing to take risks and put themselves out to get at others. To them, calling to make any kind of deal would be a dent in their ego and rather humiliating. So, at the end of this week, we’ll have given them sufficient enough time and can then hunt for a lawyer and say, “See? We gave them enough time to resolve the issue, but they just don’t want to play fair. Let’s move on to suing them.”

Either way, I’ve already made up my mind that we’re either getting some sort of settlement or I’ll be getting 5 minutes in the parking lot with the cock that fired him. I’d certainly prefer the dough, but I’m also overdue for a good fight if you ask me. After all, I was forced to sit on my hands in jail so I could see Tom and get my commissary, but now I have nothing to lose. There’s nothing to stop me from getting into it with anyone dumb enough to fuck us over. I don’t mean giving us a dirty look, trashing parts of our land, flipping us off, calling us names, etc., but I mean really fucking us over and that’s exactly what this guy did and he needs to be made responsible for his actions and learn that actions really do have their consequences.

I’m not going to let you protect this one, God!

From what I saw, a couple of roadrunners set up house in the mesquite tree by the driveway. I know they’d never normally set up house so close to civilization if it weren’t for all the prairie dogs. It’s cool, though. They’re my favorite bird.

I was unable to sense any numbers this time around. See, this is what makes me think God doesn’t want us to be rich. Comfortable maybe, but not rich, or else he’d have given me the ability to see the winning numbers, wouldn’t he?

I got 3 envelopes from Mary two days ago, each with cards and letters for me and for José. Well, has she actually heard back from him or not? The cards are really cool. I hadn’t been saving letters, but I’m saving the cards.

She’s bitching about Clarence being too into her which isn’t mutual and wanting to move closer to her. Also, he’s trying to use her and her brother for money, I guess. I suggested she lay it out on the line and cut him off completely.

I can totally relate to her worries about being used and promised her she won’t ever have to worry about that from me. In other words, I’m not going to give her a monetary figure for any work I may help her with. She can decide that for herself. And yes, I’ll hold onto the proceeds from her book as she asked me to and we’ll think of a good cover story for why I’m giving her the money. Tom said that will be easy, but we have to keep our mouths shut about it. Like I said before, while money’s nice, the most important thing is helping a friend with a worthy cause. I know she’d do the same for me.

She seemed pretty sure that the book will generate a movie, so I jokingly said that maybe Kate will be in the movie if there ever is one – ha, ha! She couldn’t really play her, though. She’s too old. She’s now 56. I wouldn’t necessarily assume a movie will result from the book like Terrie said it would, though. I don’t mean to call her a liar, but people often say things will happen that don’t. Not necessarily cuz they’re lying, but just because that’s what usually happens with cases like that.

She asked me to try again to send Jose’s picture. I cut the picture out and sent it by itself with an animal pic. Then I cropped the edges and wrote: José at my birthday party! Maybe that will be a good throw-off. The mugs of her, Gretchen and Monster made it in to her, so maybe this will, too.

I was laughing my ass off when she said I had her really worried about my sanity for a minute there when she read my wacky letter! Yeah, I couldn’t resist scrambling my dream segments on her. If I thought I wished I could be a fly on her wall when she read it was Teddy Bear I was involved with (or so I thought), I really wish I could’ve been a fly on the wall to witness her reaction to my funny little joke of a letter!

She said she was surprised to hear me say I hadn’t gotten anything in a week cuz she had sent tons of stuff. The nosies at the jail were probably holding it for a while for their reading pleasure as we usually get things in clumps. I hope there’s nothing else out there I didn’t get, but as I told her, if she wants to better ensure that I’m getting everything, why not start numbering her envelopes like I number my letters to her? She just might want to make a note somewhere of what’s in each one (the basic highlights, anyway) so that if I tell her I’m missing a number, she’ll know what was in it.

She said the bleach damaged her hair about a medium amount and gave me a couple of product names to try. She said Tom would look good in Moon Blue and I’d look good in Tulip. I have no idea what tulip is or what shade of blue moon blue is, but either way, we’re not going to be doing this anytime soon. Instead, Tom’s going to dye his hair to make himself look younger. He feels this will help him get a job. It’s true that youth and color are great assets. He can’t paint his skin black or look Mexican or Indian, but he can at least get that stuff men use to cover their gray hairs.

It really sucks that they’ve got Mary all confused as to what’s going on, but that’s what they do; say one thing, then another, then another. Meanwhile, nothing they say ever seems to happen. Now she doesn’t know if she’s getting out in a couple of years or getting time off for good behavior cuz now she’s being threatened with prison.

Since I have tons of minutes left on my phone, and since it’d be nice to hear her voice and I might as well get the time we paid for, I told her to go ahead and give me a call. Just remember, I also told her, it may take many tries to reach me as my schedule fluctuates. Also, I may be blasting music or outside on the land when she calls, and she should never worry about what time she tries. It can never be too early as I can’t hear the ringer from where I sleep.

She said she was glad to hear I’d go with her to bring a Barbie doll to Gretchen who’s buried in the Green Acres Cemetery in Scottsdale. Then she said it was so sad to think about and that she was about to start crying.

It is sad to think about.

She also asked if I’d send her some Spanish words with a phonetic spelling of the words so she’d know how to pronounce them. I sent her some basic tips and some basic words, letting her know I’d send a few with each letter.

Later…

It’s change of shift out there now. The prairie dogs have gone to bed and the bunnies are now out.

In today’s mail from Mary, she said she grieved because she fears that some books her family ordered for her were given to another inmate and because she paid for 6 books of stamps and got 6 plain envelopes instead (yeah, because I’m waiting on stamps from her). I told her that after she’s had to endure that shit, I hated to start off with bad news, but two of her envelopes to me arrived completely empty. Tom thinks they fell out at the post office and I think someone at the jail stole them. I hope that if they did fall out at the PO, all that was in them was something for José because then the PO would’ve just sent them on to him. Either way, I told her to make sure she pays attention to my letter numbers in case any don’t make it to her, and secondly, tell them to make sure they secure her outgoing envelopes just in case they did fall out. In other words, get grieving!

I was shocked to learn in her last draft that Terrie’s a cop. I thought she was the DA against Monster. I was like, oh, no, no, no, Mary, please don’t talk to her! She is so totally against you. No matter how nice she comes across, no matter what she says, she is not on your side. Keep talking with her and you bet you’ll end up in prison. Hasn’t she learned? There is no “good cop.” That’s only on TV. Real cops are nothing but power-hungry assholes who only want to see people get screwed to the max. Terrie may hate Monster and sympathize with her, but she doesn’t have her best interest at heart. Why would she want to talk to her if it wasn’t to control, manipulate and screw her ass? She should have a lawyer present if she knows what’s good for her.

Not surprisingly, Tom got blown off by the people who were supposed to interview him via phone. People not only love to not do the things they say they’re going to, but they hate phones and email.

TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 2003
I’m starting to feel a little controlled by some of these neighbors. Not like in Phoenix, of course, but all I want is a nice trash-free piece of land yet they won’t let me have that. Of the 5 houses that are on lots adjacent to ours, the biggest slobs just have to be in the two houses closest to us which are next door and one of the rentals. They’re the only ones with kids, too. Meanwhile, the other two rentals and those in Dan’s place, are as neat as can be and there are no kids or dogs.

I take that back. I think Dan might have a dog or two.

Anyway, why do I always have to get stuck with so many people and dogs closest to me? It really gets old! See, Tom put the carpet and seat covers in the truck and took me for a spin in it. We cruised by the renter’s place and oh my God! They always were an eyesore, but now they’re real slobs. They’ve got a virtual junkyard back there. There’s tons of shit strewn about that’s been blowing onto our land. Bags, buckets, and all kinds of shit. Why do people feel the need to open their doors and throw their trash out? Why can’t they burn it with the rest of their shit? I know they burn cuz I’ve seen them, so why burn just some of it? I also know that if the shit hasn’t been picked up by now, it’s not going to be, and of course George won’t say anything. He wouldn’t say anything even if every available inch of land back there was covered with garbage. This was another reason I wanted the fences. They’d have kept heavier stuff from blowing over here, but I’ve known for some time now that the fences aren’t going to happen. They just simply aren’t going to happen no matter how much Tom tells me they will and I just have to learn to live with it. I just wish we hadn’t wasted the money on posts! I also wish there were laws out here on trash dumping! And to make matters worse, the wind usually blows from the back and from next door.

I don’t get it, either. I mean, they just make no sense. They’re considerate enough to ask Tom if the kids are annoying us, they’re considerate enough to worry if their horse was on our land, yet they don’t give a damn about littering our land?

I have mixed emotions about the fact that they won’t be moving anytime soon which is what the horse tells me. You don’t usually take the time to put up corrals and buy horses if you’re planning on moving anytime soon (before at least 5 years). I want them to get the hell out because there are too many of them, they’re always home, they’re always outside when it’s not real hot, and they’re fucking slobs! However, I know I could be asking to trade them in for something a lot worse if they did move. I can avoid seeing them and their trash if I don’t look out the windows that face them, but how could I close out loud music?

How I wish there was dense vegetation of some sort to catch their trash and block it and them from sight!

Another not-so-nice thing was that I called Ashton today and now they’re saying they’re not expecting the Indian doll in till July. They’re like PG lately! She said I’d get a letter if there’s any more of a delay, but I don’t know about that. No one wrote to tell me the first time around once I didn’t get the doll in the 6-8 weeks I was supposed to get it in.

I took my braids out today. I kind of missed being able to scratch my scalp easily and the area around my head was getting a little frizzy with the new-grown hairs sticking out all over. I shed enough hair to make a wig for a small doll! It took hours to unbraid and brush it all out. I do not think I’ll be doing that again anytime soon after all.

Tom’s going to help Meagan and Stacey move some of their furniture tomorrow. They’re moving from Mesa to Chandler. I just hope Meagan doesn’t turn out to be a user. The way we’ll know that will be if she only calls when she wants something, versus if she calls just to say hi.

He says they decided to go ahead and get married a few days ago. They had a small private ceremony with just Meagan’s teenage sisters. They plan to have a big party later on and I’m like, oh great, so now I’m once again going to end up feeling obligated to go to a party I really don’t want to attend. I’m simply no social butterfly.

SUNDAY, JUNE 15, 2003
We’re spending our 9th anniversary leisurely. We started off by going to Circle K as soon as he got up and got a few treats. One of the regular cashiers there said my braids looked cute.

We got two bingo tickets. I sensed one would win and it did, but only $3.

We were amazed at just how cool it was for being mid-June, even if it was barely 7 AM. It was no doubt 10-15 degrees warmer in Phoenix at the time. The afternoons, however, are just as hot as in Phoenix.

When we got home we ordered the ornaments and the mugs, but we may have to reorder the mugs. I think their order site was down because a funny message came up about us being on that page for over an hour when we weren’t, and I never got an order confirmation.

Usually, when one spouse dislikes someone, the other spouse sides with them, so it appears I’m definitely not going to be getting any more jokes from Dave since Mary and I don’t like each other, though this is a good thing. Most of his jokes weren’t very funny and I know how to find my own jokes. I checked out a new site yesterday with loads of good ones, so Mary and Bob will be in for some good laughs.

The good and shocking news is that we now officially have both heat and AC in the truck! But we were compensated for this by our $600 generator which just had to break at not even 4 years of age.

Later…

Well, I’ll be damned. We just checked the lotto numbers and I actually hit one and was close on a couple of others. Real close. This is when I decided to keep on plugging away at it and see if I can develop the ability to psych out the numbers. Tom said if I can’t do it, fine, and if I can, that’s fine, too. I would’ve hung it up had I not gotten any numbers or close calls, but this has encouraged me to keep trying. It’s easier than trying to psyche out winning slot machines in crowded casinos where it’s much harder to concentrate.

SATURDAY, JUNE 14, 2003
When I’m up in the mornings it’s nice to be able to enjoy it without the shooting, for in less than a few months, the hunters will be back. It was the biggest hunting season yet last time around. Usually, they only hunt during the mornings on weekends, but last time they were hunting from sunup to sundown, 7 days a week.

Anyway, I got the CD I ordered and now I’m just waiting on the Indian doll and the fairy. Actually, I’ll be waiting on 3 rodent mugs and 3 ballerina ornaments by the end of the weekend too, as they’re going to be ordered today or tomorrow.

I also got a fairy newsletter in the mail, though I don’t know why since I told them to email it to me, and mail from Mary, too.

She’s getting over the flu which is good, but she still has to deal with the noise and the other inmates being little pests. I told her to let me know if anyone there in particular gives her a hard time and I’ll see what I can do spell-wise. We know from the assholes at the bank that I can make people sick even if I’ve never met them. My heart totally goes out to her as far as the animals there. She must feel totally smothered. I remember it all too well from the tents, A Tower and M Dorm – the farting, the fighting, the sighing in the sleep, the rudeness, the begging, the noise, etc. Being forced to interact with someone you just can’t get away from is a miserable thing. It made me want to slap those who would complain about their coworkers. After all, they could at least escape them when they went home after work. I don’t know why most inmates think that just because they’re incarcerated they have to act like spoiled children any more than those on Section 8 can’t be decent and respectful human beings.

I get frustrated, though, cuz she doesn’t always answer my questions. I can’t get her to tell me what letter number she’s up to so I guess I’ll just assume none are missing.

I asked her to tell me more about the living conditions and her life there. Maybe she can draw an illustration of her dorm sometime.

I hope no men in black, if they have such a thing there, don’t see how many pictures she has which must be a ton, and take them away!

In the past, I never bothered reading her mail to José because she didn’t tell me to, but this time I did as she said that reading it would tell me more about the drama she has to endure, and I had to laugh at a few things. One was when she said she couldn’t love two people at once or else she’d feel like she had a split personality. Well, since I once loved both Tom and Teddy Bear at once, I must’ve been a real nutjob!

She says I have a secret admirer there and that her bunkie thinks I’m really cute (she has my picture on her wall). Hmm. Must be over the pictures of me from when I was in my 20s. But is this admirer something to look at herself? Or is she a big bazooka like Myra or a toothless wad of acne like Nancy? If she looks like a young Kate, Gloria or Linda or even a Palma (cuz S has a crush on her, I jokingly told her), she can send her to me!

They sell greeting cards there, so she’s using tons of them on me and José.

She asked if I’d be willing to type up Jose’s book for him if need be for $100, though she still hasn’t heard back from him. I told her that if he’ll pay me up front, sure I’ll do it, but under one condition. If he can use some punctuation and write legibly, I’ll do it. If he’s going to scribble and write like a kindergartner, then no. I need quotes when people talk and periods at the ends of sentences. So, if he can give me periods, quotes and readability and the dough up front, no prob. I just hope she does hear from him, for her sake, even if he is a convicted murderer that she swears is innocent.

She said that she’s been told she might get a suspended sentence once she’s done with the jail time in 2-3 years. That would be so wonderful if she could walk out of there free and clear!

It would also be so, so awesome if her attorneys could direct her to a publisher like she mentioned. They are not easy to get. But again, in light of what she’s writing about versus what I’m writing about, she has a hell of a lot better chance. I think I’d have a better chance of winning a Grammy award or even an Oscar before I ever got my book published. Tom suggested I redo the jail part, then look for gay publishers. They have gay magazines, so I’d think they’d have such a thing as gay publishers, but we’ll see. Anyway, he suggests I redo the jail part cuz it’s too off the wall. It’s just not feasible, as he pointed out, to hire and pay someone to stay with one or two inmates all the time. It still makes for good, funny and entertaining reading, but people want a little more realism than that, and it’d go better with the post-jail part which is very realistic. Still, I wouldn’t count on us both becoming authors, like she seems to think we will. I’m more likely to be a dollmaker, but personally, if I had to choose between the two, I’d probably pick dollmaking anyway. I still have to make her a fuchsia-haired doll when she gets out unless fate keeps me from ever getting the damn kiln. We may have to buy a pale blond wig and dye it, though I’d think that somebody somewhere would have a fuchsia wig.

To be honest, I had mixed emotions about the very generous offer she made to me which was to not only send more stamps but to pay me $100 in July and another $100 to organize the book once it’s done, though it won’t be done for a couple of years till Justin’s sentenced. While I’d love to earn money doing an at-home job, something I’ve desired for years now, I hate to take from someone who’s struggling, so why don’t we just make sure she never sends me anything that will put her out, I told her. Also, yes, I’ll do the organization, but it’ll be a long, tedious job. I’ll do my best, though! I must admit that while I know money’s not everything and that health and happiness are what matters most, I’m only human, so that means money is a motivation of sorts. Who knows, though, by the time Monster’s sentenced, she could be out and we could organize the book together.

Bob will probably be sending another letter out to me soon.

I still can’t believe Kim had a kid, though I’m glad she did. It’s just that God’s not in the habit of allowing people like her to become parents too often, so it really did come as a surprise. What with all the female problems she had, along with how wonderful a mom I knew she’d make, I just didn’t think it’d happen.

Okay with it or not, I guess God’s reasons for denying me a child was either because he either felt I’d either make too good of a mom or that I just simply couldn’t have handled it. Guess I’ll never know for sure, but it’s okay so long as I never ever again return to wanting one like I used to. It was miserably depressing beyond words! I think that if I knew God was planning to sentence me at some point with a lifetime of wanting one like I used to, I’d seriously consider suicide. I’d have every odd against me there could possibly be – a husband with a dry dick, no money for invitro, no qualifications for adoption, though this wouldn’t interest me, and not even a way to get it on with some other guy to see if they could knock me up, though there’s no way in hell I’d even think of considering that one for a millisecond no matter how desperate I was.

FRIDAY, JUNE 13, 2003
As expected, my lotto predictions weren’t even close. Oh well.

Meanwhile, I’m working on my story and am once again faced with the same question I’ve asked myself many times before, as I slowly near the story’s end – what am I going to do afterward??? There’s no proofreading, no kiln, so I guess I might consider another story, but I don’t know what it’d be about. Same sort of thing, I guess. It’s what I write best, or at least what I like to write most of all; lesbian love stories.

Anyway, I’ve been working really hard on this story. Oh, the work I do for free! I wish I could get paid for some of it.

I bumped my diet up to Saturday, the 28th. We’ve been doing the grocery shopping on Fridays since he got fired and I want to start the diet the day after grocery day, the day after I have my weekly treat, so I’ll be starving on even days. Also, rather than tell myself to do it for two weeks, I think I’ll just wait and see how my body reacts to this diet and how much I lose each time I don’t eat before deciding how long I’ll do it.

I did the math and found that at 20’ apart, we could sister the perimeters for approx. $140 per side, $560 total. Since we probably couldn’t do it all at once without a large sum of money, we may do a side or two each spring. Maybe we’ll do the back and south side next spring and the front and north side the spring after that (unless there’s a house in front before the spring of ‘05). If there are any ordinances pertaining to things that grow to be 20’ high around outside perimeters, then we’ll go with regular olies.

I’m so sick of this erratic bleeding! I wish I could just bleed once a month, instead of having either light flows or spotting a week or two prior to my periods, but like the doctor said, it’s normal for a woman my age.

THURSDAY, JUNE 12, 2003
Yesterday began our lengthy process of going after the bank. He went to the discrimination people, and as expected, he was told they could only act if there were either witnesses or groups of people discriminated against. Still, he went ahead and filed formal discrimination charges.

Now it’s onto the next step – finding the greediest lawyer we can. Since we don’t see how we could get millions out of this, he hopes to find a greedy lawyer who can talk them into some kind of settlement while avoiding going to court. He thinks there’s a good chance that in time we can get something like a $40,000 settlement which would be great. We’d each take a couple of Gs to splurge with, and of course, I’d get tons of dolls!

He said he’s actually counting more so on me predicting the lottery numbers, but as I told him, if that’s what he’s truly counting on, then he’s going to be awfully disappointed. As far as I still know, that’s way out of my league. I’ll find out in a few hours once they’re posted online if I came close on any of the numbers, but I know I didn’t. I’ll still try to work on it, though.

Meanwhile, he’s going to apply for unemployment.

My many braids have received their first washing. I love, love, love having my hair braided! I just wish it didn’t take forever to do. The only thing I don’t like about it is that it’s rather hard to scratch my scalp and all the short wispy new-grown hairs that are all over my head. Normally, you brush those down into the rest of your hair, but it can’t be done with a head full of braids. I still like it, though, cuz it gives me a break from the brushing, detangling, shedding, etc. It’s much easier to wash and dry, too. We’ll see how long it lasts.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 11, 2003
After reading about how Justin’s file was lost in the shuffle after it went from prosecutor to prosecutor, and of how a certain punk judge gave him “another chance” when the dumb shit knew damn well what Justin had done, I’d say the system’s just as guilty for Gretchen’s death as is Justin himself and that Mary ought to see about slapping this judge with a wrongful death suit. No reasonable, rational, sane person should’ve freed such a monster. I mean, how could anyone in their right mind think a person like Justin could change? What the hell was the fucking judge thinking?! That miracles truly do exist? Well, if they do, that ain’t one of them. He should be sued for all that he’s worth and banned from the courts forever.

Tom has urged me to try to vibe out lotto numbers. Though I don’t think I can do this, I’m trying to work on it anyway. I picked numbers for tonight’s lotto. How I wish I could control my weight and menopause myself!

I finished all my braiding. I have a total of 30 braids. It’s going to take me just as long to undo them all as it did to do them! I’m hoping I can keep them in for a couple of weeks, even a month. We’ll just have to see what it looks like after they’re washed.

MONDAY, JUNE 9, 2003
Been here 11 years now – wow! It’s hard to believe I started off the year wondering if I’d survive it.

Just a couple more days now till he sees the discrimination people. If he were of color, they’d be like, “Oh, you poor guy,” but seeing that he’s not, they’re just gonna be like, “Come back when you can prove your case.”

I still don’t see how he can’t judge by groups. I mean, yes it’s true that there are good and bad in all kinds, but some kinds have a hell of a lot more bad than good in them. Still, you definitely can’t put everybody into the neat little boxes society’s set up for them. It’s been tried with me a zillion times, but I just don’t seem to fit in any of them. Perhaps I don’t want to.

Tom said he noticed something that would explain the bad vibe I had the other day and that’s that the windshield on the car is so badly cracked now that it’s going to be replaced Wednesday afternoon. I guess it’s just due to age, heat and sun.

We’re not sure what the stakes mean across from next door, but I’d say someone bought the property, split it up, and is waiting for more houses to arrive and be set up before they get sold/rented. I think that’d explain why we haven’t seen anyone working on the one new house that’s there so far as of yet. Either way, as soon as it’s occupied, their dogs will tell us so.

I’m thinking of going on a two-week diet that will be the hardest diet I ever did, but it’ll be free. I was thinking of doing it from July 1st – 14th where I eat every other day and don’t eat every other day. That will add up to a week of starving. If I make sure not to starve more than one day in a row, I shouldn’t lose muscle. I’m thinking I can lose about 15 pounds this way which would put me to 110.

I did get the computer info on José returned to me, so I’ll let Mary know in case she didn’t get a rejection slip. I don’t know how the hell she can be attracted to this cock. He’s fucking ugly, but so is 95% of the male population as far as I’m concerned.

I was glad to hear she’s reading my story more than once. She complimented both pictures of me and of stuff I got and begged me to make her better. She has the flu, I guess. I told her I wasn’t able to help Tom when he had a cold and that I can’t seem to influence my own physical self, but I’ll try.

She asked for some song lyrics so I sent those, along with a list of all the artists I’ve got MP3s on, promising her copies once she’s free.

She said she discovered that if she spends all her money, she won’t get back-charged on rent, and she dyed her bangs blue with pen ink.

All she sent was a 6-page draft because she’s having trouble concentrating with all the noise and commotion going on there.

Little by little I’m doing micro braids in my hair. You know how thick and long my hair is, though, so it’ll probably take me a week to do them all, but once they’re done they can stay in for a few weeks. It gives me a break from having to brush it and it looks way cool!

SUNDAY, JUNE 8, 2003
This is the week I hope to get my doll. We did get those Carol Wainwright gifts. We got the little two-sided skillet for making pancakes, though I’ve only used it so far to make pork chops since we don’t have any pancake batter at this time. It’s way easier to clean than the grill Mary and Dave got us for Christmas.

I also got a paper puncher for making decorative border stationery, clamps to keep sheets from slipping, tongs to reach things that are up high, a gorgeous necklace with clip-on earrings that aren’t at all uncomfortable like I thought they might be, and two awesome wind chimes. They’re more like decorative mobiles, than wind chimes, though, as they don’t make any sounds and were specially made for the indoors. The kitchen one is dazzling crystals hanging from gold threads, and the bedroom one is a glow-in-the-dark celestial design with suns, moons and stars. They glow really well at night for hours on end. In the daytime, they’re just a dull yellowish-cream color. I still want to paint ceiling stars with glow-in-the-dark paint. I think that’d look awesome. As I told Tom, we won’t tell the next people in here whenever we do sell. We’ll let them settle into bed for their first night and get the surprise of their lives! Assuming there are kids in here too, since most singles and couples wouldn’t get a house this big, they’ll get a surprise too, as we’ll probably do my office and his room as well.

We ordered a couple of CDs. One’s for me that contains a song I’ve been trying to get for ages of Merrie Amsterburg’s as an MP3 but have had no luck. Another’s a rock band that Tom ordered as part of an introductory membership offer. After he pays for this we’ll get 11 freebies.

We also ordered a $10 fairy. This one will be assembled, though.

So we’re expecting the doll, the fairy, the CDs, and soon we’ll be getting mugs and those ballerina ornaments.

Last grocery day I had Tom pick up scented toilet paper. I saw a commercial for it where the roll is scented with wildflowers and it’s way, way nice! The smell lasts a long while too, and you don’t get used to it like you tend to with other scented things. By the third day of having those scent cartridges that you plug in, you stop smelling them unless you stick your nose right up to them.

Tom’s got most of the AC put together in the truck, but doesn’t know yet if it’ll work. He ran into a frustrating problem that he hasn’t figured out yet, so that throws yet another kink in things.

Anyway, I finally heard from both Mary and Bob.

Bob enclosed a monthly menu, and as I told him, it looked great compared to what I’d get in jail. His menu had a huge variety, whereas at Estrella, all you got was chicken, burritos, slop and hotdogs. He complained about how all they got was chicken and I remember wishing so much of the time that that was all we’d get instead of hotdogs 3 or 4 times a week.

He also said something about them putting you away for life if they even think you might commit another sex crime (so who knows when he’s getting out?). He asked for more pictures and assured me there was no picture limit, though Polaroids aren’t allowed. He even asked for a song I wrote. I’ve got a letter, pictures and lyrics on their way to him.

Mary didn’t get the computer printout on José and why the jail hasn’t returned them to me, beats me. I thought they were supposed to return rejected mail unless obviously, it was drugs or something illegal. However, she’s quite thrilled because she at least got his address when I enclosed it in a separate envelope. She sent a few letters home for me to piggyback after I found and added his booking number. I assured her I’d piggyback the letters, but that she should watch her postage. As it was I had to add a stamp to each one.

She sent a book of stamps, promising to send more, but I told her to forget it because she’s really struggling. They’ve been taking $3 off her books each day and she’s even got herself down to washing her hair only once a week. Anyway, I don’t want her putting herself out. Meanwhile, she said she could get on Jose’s mailing list at some point, whatever that means. I guess they keep a list of fellow inmates who write to each other. For now, all I have to do is drop the stamped envelopes into the box along with our own outgoing mail.

Other than that, she says her bunkie’s cool, but the girls there in general are scandalous and do quite a bit of fighting.

Tom and I have read together in bed, but as expected, he hasn’t been interested in anything more than that. I don’t know, I guess it’s just very hard for a man, as opposed to a woman, to admit when they don’t have any desires. It’s ok, though, as my own desires are quite dormant. They only ignite in fantasy or in real life if the young Kate Jackson were to walk in here right now, but since that one’s not going to happen, I’m content to just close my eyes and imagine. I don’t feel the sexual attraction towards Tom that I do for certain women. It doesn’t mean he’s ugly. I just don’t feel any sparks. Besides, I’ve become so used to the idea of us as “married friends,” that anything more would feel rather awkward.

We haven’t done anything about the job issue as there’s nothing we really can do till Wednesday when Tom has an appointment with the discrimination people. With God hell-bent on protecting those who wrong us, I can’t see us getting a significant settlement, but I don’t have any bad vibes, either. In fact, I don’t sense anything either way. Neither of us does or is sure what to think at this point till he starts talking with some people and seeing what they have to say. We tell ourselves, as far as the bank people are concerned, people aren’t that stupid. They’re not going to so easily put themselves out to get at someone else simply because they complained, but we both know from past experience, that oh yes they are that stupid, and oh yes they would put themselves out to get at others.

Either way, Tom’s boss should be nice and sick by now. I told him, “See? You didn’t just marry a psychic, you married a witch, one who can be hazardous to people’s health when they get naughty on us.” He laughed at that one.

Later…

We went to Circle K a while ago because Tom wanted some soda and some snacks. While we were at it, I grabbed this glow-in-the-dark wand that I thought was like my mobile where it absorbs light and glows, but this is different. It’s a flair-like liquid that glows for a while after you’ve cracked its seal. I used to get these things as a kid at the beach.

On the way back, one of the cashiers pulled out ahead of us and we made a bet as to which direction she’d turn. If she turned right, the colored paper that I want to restock up on had to come out of Tom’s allowance, and if she turned left, I had to buy Tom a car part for that same price, like some sort of dashboard decoration or something. Well, unfortunately, she turned left.

As we pulled back onto our land, we checked out the latest crap that blew over from next door which was a Halloween pail. This time, though, it’s actually something Tom could use. He’ll use it for greasy car parts that he doesn’t want to set down in the dirt.

Anyway, yesterday wasn’t the greatest. I not only had a killer allergy attack that went on for hours and hours, but I was actually a bit sad for a while, too. It was a bit odd because when I get depressed, it’s usually for a reason. However, I couldn’t seem to pinpoint the source of my sadness, not that I necessarily could’ve done anything about it had I known the source. Tom said he had the same experience a few days earlier where he was all bummed out, but never did figure out why. Nonetheless, I was so glad when I got over it as depression, to me, is the worst emotion there is. I’d rather be stressed out and pissed off every day before I was sad once a week.

Tom had a point, though, when he said we all have to have our sad days because if we were happy all the time, we wouldn’t have anything to contrast it with. This is true, and perhaps the reason I’ve been so happy since we moved (with the exception of jail) is that most of my life was so miserable. Most people would probably find my life rather dull, but because of all the shit I’ve endured, it’s heaven to me, for the most part. Being in jail really can be a life-changing experience. I think that jail has not only made me appreciate simple things more but it’s really enforced my lack of desire to have a child too, because after you’ve been locked up like that, you don’t want to give up your freedom and life.

I’ve come a long way, though. Several years ago I had so many depressing, frustrating issues that I thought would never get resolved or go away. I had a joke of a sex life (for the most part), I wanted this kid I could never have, I wanted to quit smoking and couldn’t, I had neighbors a few feet away who wouldn’t shut up, I had an old, small house I didn’t really like, and so on and so forth.

Later…

While I was browsing through another gift catalog he was going through Maricopa’s little newspaper. They’re thinking of incorporating the town what with the way it’s building up. We had to laugh at the crime section. I mean, you could tell it was in a small town. Let’s see, someone poisoned a dog, no doubt because it wouldn’t shut up, someone stole a new door off of a new house, ran over or stole a few mailboxes, and even got arrested for disorderly conduct and playing loud music. It’s a good thing the freeloaders don’t live out here! All their music and partying would end them up in some real trouble for damn sure. I’m really surprised, though. I know shit doesn’t fly as well in a small town and that everything’s a no-no in this state, but loud music always seemed such a way of life out here.

We saw a picture of this year’s graduating class of just 40 students, too.

Anyway, Tom knows that like most discrimination cases, it’ll be virtually impossible to prove the discrimination aspect of it, but it’s part of our new we-don’t-take-shit motto we’ve vowed to live up to. It’ll still be dragging them through the mud to have to be asked questions and investigated while bringing the issue to attention in connection with the bank, something they don’t need.

I’m also sticking more firmly to my treat-others-as-they-treat-me motto, even if that means it’s my husband who has to get a taste of his own medicine. As I’ve said before, I feel he’s partially blamed me for the nig shit we suffered through for over half a decade, like when he said, “No, it wasn’t fair what you got, but had you never sent the journals, none of this would’ve happened.”

So, in return I hit him with: “I’m not saying you deserved what you got, but if you hadn’t complained, we wouldn’t be in this predicament.”

He said, “No we wouldn’t, but I had to stand up for what I felt was right.”

So did I. And I felt I had the right, under the so-called freedom of speech laws that don’t really exist, to give the freeloaders a piece of my mind. Only difference is he got fired for it and I got thrown in jail. Either way, I wanted him to know what it was like.

There could be more to this situation than I know of and that he’s willing to tell me. For example, I once came around the corner when he was in his office on the phone with someone connected to the bank and I heard him say, “Well, if that’s not doing my job…,” then he saw me and waved me away.

Tom, by nature, is very rebellious which is part of why he wouldn’t cum when I wanted him to. The more you try to force him to go right, the more he’s going to tend to veer left. This could very well be a case of him being told to do things he didn’t want to do that stem beyond the protest of religious activities.

With Tom, it’s usually best to play down the desire and urgency of things. For example, the more I made like I wanted the kiln real bad and in a major hurry, the more he’d be to find reasons why it had to be delayed.

We might invite Meagan and Stacie out to visit. Maybe do a barbecue or something. I know they’re just kids, but who knows who I may meet through them and Tom always thought they were cool, so we’ll see. Besides, wasn’t it me who said it’d be nice to have some gay friends for once? I haven’t had gay friends since ’99. Then again, I don’t know about meeting potential playmates. All they’re gonna do is play with my head and give me phony phone numbers because they can’t just say no, I’m not interested, and truthfully, I don’t want to go back to playing games with people. I’m short, I’m feminine, and everything most women don’t want.

After a few days of putting oil in my fake ear canal, Tom managed to pull out a huge chunk of dead skin like the doctor used to. Yes, we can definitely take care of it on our own which is a good thing. Having to see specialty doctors really sucks with the way you have to wait forever and go through the hassles of getting referrals.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 4, 2003
I still can’t seem to have a discussion with Tom these days without him snapping at me or getting impatient. I always commended him for being so tolerant and accepting, but lately, it seems he always has a problem with me. Most of the time I try to either ignore it or walk away when he starts getting huffy with me, but enough’s enough! I wonder why he even wants me around if I’m making him so unhappy. Since I’ve expressed these frustrations of mine before, it’s obvious that nothing will change, so I better learn to adapt to his ways. There’s no violence or kids involved so I can get used to it. I’ll just try to avoid him more often and talk less. I’ve tried to change too, and not do or say things I think might bring out his irritation and impatience, but I feel like I’m walking on eggshells when we talk if I don’t seem to get something he says right away, or if I say something he disagrees with, etc. It’s really frustrating, and of course, talking to him hasn’t brought a response like, “Hey, I’m sorry. I’ll work on it.” Instead, he counterattacks me, saying how much it bothers him when I use racial slurs. When I asked how come it didn’t bother him when I use words like butch and fem, he said it would if I used them in a hateful way and I’m like, after all I’ve been through, how can he not expect me to feel the way I do about welfare bums? How can he still say he doesn’t judge by groups? Can’t he see just how many of them are fucked up assholes? They’re vindictive losers stuck in the past. Nonetheless, I said I’d work on it, but did he say he’d change his ways? No, because he has no intention of changing, I’m sure. Besides, he always turns the gripes on me. If I were to say I was pissed at him for 3 different things, he’d conveniently find 3 different things to be pissed at me for.

I’m going to be playing a joke on Mary. I’ve copied in some dream segments from back in ’99. I didn’t tell her they were dreams I was documenting, though. Instead, I’m making like I’m telling her things that are going on. She is going to be one confused girl!

He sent Meagan a text message and she sent one back saying, “Hell has begun,” but didn’t elaborate, so we don’t know what she means by this.

I got my first Spanish text message today. I kept hearing this beep that I thought was the computer, but then Tom got in with my med refills and said it was probably my phone. My message was an ad for a new messaging center. I hope we don’t have to pay for these sales calls too often as much fun as translating them is.

Anyway, this is day 3 of seeing no spiders. It’s amazing. It truly is. They’ve never gone away on their own before once they started showing up every day. If I now have the power to will spiders away, then it’s a wonderful gift from God for sure as you know how much spiders creep me out!

All the houseplants are doing well and showing signs of growth. I still can’t believe I ever got interested in things like dolls and plants. I don’t know what shocks me more; the things I got interested in, or the things I got uninterested in.

When I think of how seldom I’ve heard music in this house since I left jail, as opposed to when we first moved in, it makes me wonder if the music was really an omen or something. It’s like something was saying, “The people you’re reminded of when you hear this base aren’t through torturing you yet.”

TUESDAY, JUNE 3, 2003
Those damn abortion protesters! They really piss me off. If they’re so pro-life, then why are they out running around killing abortion doctors and nurses? They need to mind their own business, live their own lives as they see fit, and let others do the same as well. I’m sick of people sticking their noses into other people’s business and trying to control everybody else. Everyone wants everyone else to be just like them and it really gets old. It also burns me up to hear them say it’s against God. To me that’s such a crock or else one, God wouldn’t have created such a thing as miscarriages, and two, he wouldn’t have given us the knowledge of how to perform abortions. God isn’t against anything under the sun or else it wouldn’t be under the sun in the first place.

Anyway, I haven’t heard or seen any activity at the new house. I doubt I could hear anything without being outdoors anyway as I never heard the rental when it was first hauled in and worked on from inside the house. This house is almost as far from us as Dan’s and it’s not on the edge. Tom was able to see this when he drove out to work yesterday. He says they’re almost in line with next door, but they are closer to us than to Bitter Root.

There were 4 prairie dogs barely two feet away from me today. They almost took food right out of my hand which I believe they’ll do in time.

There’s a new shoot coming up on the plant with the big leaves. It practically shot up overnight, because as observant as I am, I’d have noticed it yesterday for sure.

When I thought about my recent discovery of being able to heal and make sick, I thought I’d try and see if I could will away the spiders to delay bombing and so far it’s working. I didn’t see any spiders yesterday and none so far today either, though I’ve only been up 6 hours.

I had a dream that got me thinking. Well, I dreamt we got a summer cottage near where our summer cottage was in Connecticut. It may be nice to have two homes someday for real (in different climates) if we don’t make enough money to get a houseboat. We’d have to wait to do this when Tom was retired, but it wouldn’t matter where we lived in Arizona at the time. We could do this living here, in a retirement community, anywhere. I know there are places that get cooler during the summertime with lakes and oceans that are closer to us like Washington or Colorado, but I think I’d prefer to go to territory I’m familiar with like the east coast. I know that there, for example, the spiders don’t get any bigger than daddy longlegs. I wouldn’t want to be right on the beach like we were in Old Lyme, because then there’d be more people around and we probably wouldn’t have a cellar, but maybe something that was 10-20 minutes from the shore would be nice. The place wouldn’t have to be big or as nice as this house. We’d get shitty furniture, cheap plastic plates and cups, and have it sparsely decorated. I’d only have a few dolls that were my least favorites. All we’d really need would be two rooms. One with a couple of twin beds in it, the other with the TV and computer. We’d share the computer and I’d have a portable MP3 player. We’d get vinyl furniture so it’d be easy to wipe clean after collecting dust throughout the months we weren’t there.

I think I’d like the variety of living in two different places in two different climates. I’d like to have a few months off each year from the intense heat, allergies, scorpions, big spiders, etc. The only negative would be that we’d miss out on the monsoon season which we always thought was cool, but if we returned around Labor Day, we could maybe catch the last of the storms. The other negative would be the humidity, but we’d be spending most of our time either at a beach somewhere or indoors in the air conditioning so it wouldn’t matter anyway. We’d fly to and from there too, and use rental cars. The one thing I’m not dealing with again is either city life or the freezing cold and snow! Tom’s with me on that, too.

Later…

Tom just got in with some shocking news. He was fired! This is the first time in his life he was ever fired, too.

First of all, I still haven’t heard from either Bob or Mary. I hope no one’s been fucking with my mail, but I doubt it. I also wonder if perhaps Mary simply used me long enough to mail her stuff to her in Florida, then to mail the José letters, and has now decided to dump me, figuring I’m of no more use to her but I doubt that, too. I mean, if that’s the case, that’s the case, since people do come and go throughout our lives, but we’ll see. I’d miss being pen pals with her, but then I wouldn’t have to worry about her becoming a pest on the outs if she did dump me. Still, I think she’s just been busy exchanging love letters with her current violent criminal of choice.

Anyway, Tom surprised me by coming home just after 9:00, just a few hours after he left. At first I was like, “Now what are we going to do?” when he told me the scoop.

His answer to that was, “Well, we’re going to get a lawyer and sue the hell out of them.”

Neither of us sensed this was coming, so, because I don’t have bad vibes and have been having dreams about suing for large amounts of money, maybe this will turn out to be a good thing. The bank has 30 days to send us our $5,000 - $6,000 of pension money, and of course, if they don’t, that’s another point in our favor.

The bullshit reason they gave him for firing him is that he wasn’t doing his job, but we know that’s bullshit since he not only worked overtime for free and did his own job, but he had to do everyone else’s too, every time they’d be too lazy to show up for work.

The real reason he was fired is that he’s not Christian. Again, this state is a haven for Christians and those of color, not non-Christians or gays. See, he had complained about some Easter events they had going on and it’s his job to keep religion out of the workplace which can be tough at times what with how damn pushy so many of them are. He says Meagan’s next (he left her a text message letting her know he’s been fired) and that they’re always firing gays.

His only concern is how to prove most of the things they’ve done wrong. He can prove some of them, like how they treated him differently from this other supervisor. The first thing he’s going to do is file discrimination charges to not give off the impression that all he’s after is money, even though he is, then he’ll seek out a lawyer, but only if they’ll agree to take on his case without receiving any money unless he wins. How easy it’ll be to get someone to take his case will determine just what the chances are of us winning anything. One good thing is that the bank already banned religious festivities before Tom lodged his complaint. It’ll be a little while before we can get a lawyer, though, since the discrimination charges will have to be investigated first.

Andy had warned me of how conservative Arizona was, and now I’m like, conservative? This state’s beyond conservative, it’s downright prejudicial. Nonetheless, we’d be happy to be shit on and discriminated against if it’ll make us money for once and not get one of us thrown in jail. God’s proven to be a very compensating God, so maybe he’ll turn the tables for us and let us gain from people’s hatred and vindictiveness for once if we’re going to be forced to deal with it. I mean really, all our lives we’ve suffered on account of other people’s shit, so a little profit would really be a nice change of pace, and to tell you the truth, I’ve been having feelings of approaching some sort of turning point in life, and as long as it’s not a bad one, like my being framed for someone’s murder on another planet, then fine.

Unfortunately, there’s no way to prove all the overtime Tom did for free since they’re the ones who keep all the documentation. We may have to have their records subpoenaed to prove even more wrongdoings.

From what Tom read, it’s a cut-and-dry situation and it looks like they’re going to have to be really stupid to fight it and draw the publicity to themselves and not reinstate him. If they do reinstate him, he’ll have to take the job back so he can still try to sue them. Them reinstating him would be an admission of wrongdoing in the first place. It’d be better if they were dumb enough to fight him, though, as that’d up our chances of winning big. Most people are stupid, so we’ll see.

Meanwhile, he said that if worse came to worse, he’ll just get a new job in Casa Grande.

“But with a serious pay cut,” I said.

He said, “But if I work two jobs, I’ll be working the same amount of hours I worked at the bank and get the same amount of money.”

“Yeah, but we don’t want you to be married to your next job either,” I said.

He said, “But at least I’d get paid for it.”

How true!

I just hope this is a good thing and that God won’t once again protect our perps. I really do hope we can sue in the end, even if it takes time. I always did have the feeling I may one day be involved in a lawsuit or close enough to it since the person involved would be my husband, and that if any money was won, it’d be a huge amount. Like hundreds of thousands or even millions. Then, instead of buying a kiln and spending my time making dolls, I’d just buy all the dolls I wanted and spend time doing things like maybe water-skiing, visiting other countries, getting a tummy tuck, maybe whacking off this turkey neck, and more. If I can’t have this in the end, at least I can dream. It sure would be funny, though, if we ended up rich from suing the bank before we got a chance to make money off this place, and the bank’s in the habit of being sued, believe me. Lots of people have sued them.

I’m just glad I don’t have any bad vibes, and since I’m primarily a doom psychic, I guess that’s a good thing unless God’s blocking me from sensing any pending trouble so I can be caught off guard and unprepared.

I’m just glad that if this had to happen, it happened after the freeloaders got the hell out of our lives. It wouldn’t look good for him to start a new job elsewhere and have to take monthly days off. Either way, perhaps it was just time for him to move on, and knowing how much easier it is for him to talk than to do, maybe this is what it took to get him to move on. Every time he said he was going to look for a job in Casa Grande, I was like, yeah right! He doesn’t usually do things unless he has no choice. Same with the sex. In 50 years from now, he’ll still be saying he wanted to screw all along, and I told him this.

“Yeah, but now we have no excuse. I’m not working 6 days a week anymore.”

He’ll find one. Besides, even if we did screw, we’d just do it a few times, then a long time would pass where we didn’t, so I’d rather not bother. I’m content with fantasy for now, though a part of me is still bothered that I’m not bothered by my lack of desire to get it on with him. It also bothers me to know that my feelings don’t seem to bother him, but they never did when it came to sex so why should they now? Most people would feel horrible to know they turned their partner off in the way he used to with me, or horrible to know when they at least left their partner unsatisfied, but he didn’t mind. In fact, he seemed to find it rather amusing. Lastly, it still sometimes bothers me that he expects and assumes unfair and unrealistic things of me. An example of that is how he expects and assumes I’ll just say “what the hell” and stay celibate for the rest of my life simply because he’s not interested and can’t come out and say so. If he’s not interested, that’s fine, but he shouldn’t expect me to never get it on with a woman if I met one worth playing around with just because he’s the way he is. While he certainly has the right to be the way he is, so do I. I doubt I’ll ever be interested in getting it on with anyone, but my point’s still the same.

Still, like most people, I also love to fantasize about what I’d do with lots of money if I had it. Wouldn’t Jamie at the doll store be shocked when she asked, “Ah, you’ve come to learn to make dolls after all?”

And I’d be like, “No. Actually, I’ve come to buy about 50 dolls, so get your order forms ready.”

Anyway, we’ll at least be set till September if he doesn’t get a job somewhere till then. I just hope that whatever happens, it won’t mess up our allowance too much or screw us out of the fences and kiln, but see, that’s something God would do if I’m as right as I seem to have been about him not wanting me to do what I want to with my life. It’s like he’s been my worst enemy. Wouldn’t let me sing, wouldn’t let me be a mom, wouldn’t let me have a woman like Kate, wouldn’t do a lot of things. We’ll see, though. Maybe, just maybe, the tables really are going to turn in our favor and we really are going to be compensated for our hardships, though I know I can’t count on that. If I were smart I’d tell myself that all that will happen is that Tom will be told he doesn’t have a case, not because they don’t believe him, but because he can’t prove it, and he’ll just get a new job in Casa Grande and we’ll be set back in life for the millionth time. And believe me, I am so sick of the setbacks and the way people use and abuse us and get away with it!

MONDAY, JUNE 2, 2003
Tom didn’t get the pictures. Obviously, he was either too busy or there were too many people around. He was going to take pictures of a particular plant in the building that’s just like mine, only bigger. I wanted to see what it looks like, but I’ll just wait and see when our own grows.

A few evenings ago it rained hard for 5 minutes, then sprinkled the next evening. I was surprised as it’s a rather unusual time of year for rain.

I haven’t been working on my story, but I’ve been catching little typos and discrepancies that I’ve been fixing.

Last night I heard some really weird sounds coming from under the house as I sat in my office. My first guess is that it was either caused by a snake or a rodent, but I don’t know cuz it seemed like something bigger than that would’ve had to make the sounds, but nothing bigger could be under there. I haven’t seen any holes leading under the house big enough for something like a rabbit and it certainly couldn’t have been a person messing around under there. That’d be a dangerous thing to do out here in the dark at this time of year what with all the snakes and scorpions we’ve got here, and they’d have to rip the skirting off to get under there, something I would’ve definitely had to have heard.

I changed my mind and decided not to get the Leptoprin for a few reasons. For one, Tom doesn’t want me taking it since it is for the significantly overweight. Secondly, I don’t want to spend money on something like that at this time. Lastly, I said I was going to accept myself as I am and that’s exactly what I’m going to do. Being chunky won’t kill me, and if I ever do want to lose more weight someday, I’ll probably do it by not eating every other day. I won’t starve more than one day in a row, though, or else my body will think it’s starving and will start eating my muscle.

The last bomb treatment we did in here was worthless. I don’t know if it’s because we used 3 bombs rather than 4, but that probably is the case. I’ve been seeing spiders every day. Fortunately, though, they’re fairly small. We probably won’t bomb till around our anniversary when we go to Red Lobster. If they were big, we’d bomb as soon as we could.

Mom gave Tom her famous $20 bill during his last visit which sort of surprised me. I added half of it to my allowance which is now up to $20 (I’ll be ordering a few mugs by our anniversary) and am planning on getting an assembled fairy with my membership discount with half of our anniversary money which will be $25.

Tom said I must be slipping because Mary seemed healthy enough. Well, just as soon as she pisses me off again with either her big mouth or her camera, she won’t be.

Later…

I went out and looked and there is a hole by the master bath big enough for a rabbit to squeeze through, which is what Tom and I both think is what made the racket. He’s heard it too, and rabbits are big enough to make such noise and they’re also nocturnal. How cool it’d be to have an X-ray machine that’d allow us to see what was under all parts of the house!

The car’s on the fritz, as usual, so Tom stopped at Wal-Mart for a part he needed and grabbed a plant watering can. It’s a pretty one with pink flowers with a gold handle and spout.

We’re now using the little tape recorder I got for messages to each other that we don’t feel like writing down on the board. I told him I still might use the thing to leave notes to myself, so I’ll leave those in Spanish so he won’t be confused, thinking I’m talking to him when I’m really talking to myself.

Tom should be sending me a text message anytime now to tell me if I got any mail. I hope the only reason I haven’t heard much from Mary lately is because of money shortages or all the commotion around her and not because my being a potentially dangerous kind of psychic has scared her. I know some people get spooked by those who can predict things, heal people or make them sick, but I can’t help my abilities any more than I can help my height. It simply is what it is, but I try to use it within reason. Meaning, I’m not going to strike every human being in the world sick just because I can. If no one’s done me any harm, then there’s no reason for me to be harming them. Anyway, I’m sure she knows better and that’s not it. I’m sure she’s just too stressed or waiting on commissary money. That’s why she hasn’t sent stamps yet. And who knows? Perhaps she thinks my abilities are cool.

I think I accidentally forgot to replace a racial slur in one of her letters too, which I usually change, not because she couldn’t handle it, but because we’re living in such sensitive times and you never know how the people checking the mail might react. Then again, the East is much different than the West. Meagan and her girlfriend are supposedly moving to Massachusetts cuz they’re sick of how Arizona treats gays. They have shit for rights out here. Like I said, the West isn’t very kind to gays and Jews, but it’s a great place to be of color. Except for Texas. Texas has no place in its heart for naughty welfare bums.

I’m going to have so many unused minutes on my phone come July 15th, that I might give the number to Paula after all so she can call me with her man/law troubles. I mean, I might as well use what I pay for. First, though, I want to see if her calling the old number just to get a disconnection message prompts her to write a letter for real.

Now for the biggest news of the day. There’s a new house across from next door! It looks identical to the one further out that came in a few months ago. It looks to be a 3-bedroom. I’m psyched about the value it adds to our place, but again, the more people, the more potential for trouble and noise. They’re bound to be white as it’s a brand new house so that cuts the potential for music, but I am a little leery of their dog. Once they move in and deposit it in front, which is facing us, it could get a little noisy at 450’ away. Without woods, you gotta get closer to 1000’ to lessen dog barking, but there’s a good chance that I may hear it and their kids even over the louder computer fans we now have, and I should definitely hear them outside, just like I could if the renter’s kids and dogs were making a ruckus if I were out there. So it’s one of those things I have mixed feelings about. The more people, the more money, but the more people, the more dogs and music I have to listen to. However, there are only so many houses that can be noisy to us as opposed to in the city where you’re closer to so many more houses what with the way they’re packed in so tightly. You can’t put more than one house per acre out here whereas in the city the average spacing is something like 4 or 5 houses per acre. We do suspect, however, that there are more houses coming on that lot because of the way this house has been placed so close to the edge of the property sort of between us and next door, and because Tom said he saw other stakes in the ground over there. I doubt they broke it up into 1-acre parcels, though. My guess is that there’ll be 2-4 houses in the end. As for privacy, they don’t steal much. Only if we were out by the north side of the house would we see them well. From the living room window and my office window, I can only see the front door and one living room window. From Tom’s office, you can see a bedroom window, and from his bedroom, you can’t see it at all. I thought they’d be in plain view where we park our car and trucks, but nope. Can’t see them at all, thanks to our giant mesquite tree. It’s the one that ultimately ends up in front of us that will eat our east-side privacy. Even so, I am so not ready to listen to their dog in here which I know damn well I’m going to be forced to do so they better put some value on us! At least we know what to do if anyone turns out to be a significant problem. We’ll either put up with it or get out. We sure as hell won’t be writing city letters or complaining directly to them. I’m not going to jail for anyone ever again. Arizonans cannot handle complaints. You could even get shot for it out here like that guy did that bitched to this other guy because his cattle were traipsing through his land regularly. He not only shot him, but he torched his house as well.

In my next letter to Mary, I’ll be asking how badly bleaching her hair damaged it. We’re going to be dying our hair during the July 4th weekend. Tom’s going to be dying his blue and he’ll want to dye it to a normal color when he goes back to work. I’m either going to dye mine purple or blue or maybe go with a dark brown. If the bleach is going to fry the hell out of it, then I’ll go with the more normal color. If I kept my hair the same length, it wouldn’t matter. Then again, if I did end up frying it, it wouldn’t kill me to cut it to the middle of my back what with how fast it grows. My hair would now be to the crease between my ass and legs if I hadn’t trimmed any of it since I left jail.

SUNDAY, JUNE 1, 2003
Tom’s at work now. He’s going to be writing up one of the lazies that was out twice last week, making him have to do their work for them.