May 2003 in 2000s

FRIDAY, MAY 30, 2003
Tom said it rained really hard for about 5 minutes at 4 AM and asked if it woke me up. Nope. Never heard a thing and I slept with the fan on low, too. I sleep with it on low when I’m sleeping more during the dark hours and on medium when I’m sleeping more when it’s light. This is to help drown out the prairie dog’s squeaks.

I see a lot more roadrunners making runs for prairie dogs lately, but I only saw one get caught once and that was last year, I think.

That same baby black snake came to see us yesterday while we were watering (one of the bougies has started to bloom!). This is the one that jumped up on the steps with Tom. I misunderstood him about that, too. It didn’t jump up on the bottom step from underneath, it jumped from the side up onto the top step as he stepped onto the top step, then it slithered on down the steps. It’s a good thing these kinds of snakes, which I think are king snakes, are harmless because it was right by his foot. When we were watering, we were only a couple of feet away from it. It came towards us, then went into a small bush. I was standing really close to the bush trying to see it when it came out, froze a minute when it realized I was so close, then slithered into a bigger bush. From there it peered out at us. I was so close I could see the fork in its tongue. Then it left the bush and disappeared, probably down a hole.

The regular phone is now disconnected. We’re now strictly cellular. We’ve each got about 180 minutes left on our phones which doesn’t expire till mid-July, so we have no phone expenses to pay till then.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 28, 2003
Back to being $19 in debt. That’s because Tom got his second present – a $10 shake mixer. I’m glad to get it for him, though. I know he wanted it and I wanted to use my money to get him both an anniversary and a birthday present. June 15th will be our 9th anniversary, though we’ve known each other for a decade, and the 28th will be his 46th birthday. Anyway, it mixes by the glass. Only problem is that most of our glasses are too small, so he’s going to grab a few plastic cups from the grocery store.

Yesterday, Tom had a funny experience with one of the kingsnakes. It startled him but didn’t scare him because he knew it was a harmless snake. Apparently, it jumped up on the steps with him from underneath the steps as he went to enter the house, then leaped off the steps and ran around the corner of the house.

It appears there were either surveyors or buyers out looking at the property in front of next door, so maybe there’ll be a house there soon.

It also appears, much to our delight, that all 5 of the poplars are going to make it, and maybe one of the elms too, but the Sharons, the tulip trees, and the lavender bush are history. Oh, and the bougies and olies are still alive, too.

I could see the kids in back on a teeter-totter at 5:30 yesterday afternoon. I was surprised to see them out and about then. It’s still pretty damn hot at that hour. I still don’t like the fact that there are so many kids and dogs back there. One of the things I looked forward to leaving behind in the city were the sounds of screaming kids and barking dogs, and although I can’t hear them in the house, I worry they’ll steal some of our peace once we do get pools and porches built to sit on, though they could never be as loud as in Phoenix and I’d rather that than bass thumping inside the house. I have nothing against kids, but I always thought their shrilly voices were utterly obnoxious, to say nothing of yipping dogs. The dogs out here aren’t too bad, though. Especially in a house with 6” walls. They usually only bark when they hear something, whereas in Phoenix, there were always sounds, so the dogs there got stirred up much more often. I still think we’ll eventually get one of our own, too.

I created a few Kate Jackson photo albums, but they magically disappeared, so I think that might’ve been Webshot’s way of saying “Uh-uh.” But why didn’t they just tell me so? Why didn’t they email me or something?

We got that free CD connected to that special offer where you get 10 free CDs after you buy one. The CD that came was by No Doubt. They’re a pretty good group. I ripped a couple of songs of theirs I didn’t have.

I thought there’d be a ton of stuff from Mary waiting to be picked up today, but nope, just one envelope with a one-page letter. She just said the usual – she was stressed, doesn’t know anything about the trial, etc. I guess she hasn’t been working on her book much with all the noise and commotion around her. It’s okay, though, if she only sends me little chunks here and there. Since I’m working on my own book and hope to finally start learning to make dolls within the next couple of months, I’m not exactly bored.

I’m surprised I haven’t heard from Bob. I really hope he got the stuff I sent him.

Later…

I did get an email from Webshots after all, and yes, they deleted the Kate albums saying it was a copyright infringement issue. I was surprised to see they really do check up on people’s albums and that fast too, since someone else has had Kate albums for some time now, but once again, that’s just more proof going to show that I can’t get away with shit. Oh well.

Tom was a couple of hours late in getting home this morning. He left a message to tell me he was finally on his way at 5:00 and to please stop making his employees sick. He knows they make me mad, but I’ve got to stop making them sick. When he got in, I assured him it wasn’t me making them sick, it was the little work curse that’s been put on him designed to make him have to work longer and harder. The only one I’ve been making sick is Mary. However, he thinks my anger towards them really is making them sick. Could be. I mean, it is an ability I do seem to have.

TUESDAY, MAY 27, 2003
Wow, I had a guestbook entry left over a month ago and didn’t even know it till I just now checked. They stopped sending my weekly stats when I changed email addresses and I didn’t think to check for guestbook entries till now, after updating my account info. Anyway, she said I have beautiful dolls, come visit her site, her mother died and she’s selling off the dolls she had.

I checked out her dolls. The dolls are as shitty as her spelling, but it was still cool to get the message.

I made a few Kate albums, but there have been no viewings as of yet. I’ve been to tons of Kate sites and no one, and I repeat no one, has Kate pictures nearly as nice as mine. No one that’s made their own captures is nearly as nice as mine.

It now appears that all the houseplants have crept up an inch or so. Tom says they have the same tropical plant at work only it’s a few feet taller. He’s going to take the camera in next weekend and take a shot of it so I can see what it looks like.

I’d say the renters never did have a bunch of company after all. Two the of half a dozen or so vehicles they’ve got back there have been sitting with their hoods open for ages, so I’d say they either got old junk to restore as we did or are fixing them for someone. I never see them out much anymore, though, since it’s been really hot, so I guess it’s going slow.

FRIDAY, MAY 23, 2003
My faithful red friend was supposed to arrive yesterday. I’m very rarely late for it, but at least I can’t be pregnant as I still do not wish to have such a hectic lifestyle. When you have a kid, you automatically become a slave to that kid, and after having been a slave to my parents, those in Brattleboro, then Valleyhead, then jail, plus others along the way, I only wish to be a slave to Tom and myself from here on out till God gives ownership of me to someone/something new.

It looks like one of the outdoor palms might finally be growing, and so are two of the houseplants.

Been on a major roll with my story thanks in part to my love of writing and partly due to Mary’s inspiration. I have the rest of it all worked out in my mind. Once it’s complete, I’ll write a brief summary account of it here.

THURSDAY, MAY 22, 2003
As usual, two people called out of work so now Tom has to do their work for them and suffer through another very long day. See, this is what I meant when I told him that while he doesn’t have to be a confrontational bitch, being nice and tolerant won’t help either. I think they’re taking advantage of him. Perhaps it’s time to put his foot down with these people and lay down some ultimatums. Something like having only so many call-outs per month or else they’re automatically fired.

Free of cost, I joined the Fairy of the Month club online. It may be rather interesting and a lot of those little fairies are so adorable. They have kits that may be good for learning to make dolls. I certainly don’t want to start with any of the very expensive dolls.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 21, 2003
While Maricopa residents went to report today, I went to sleep. I enjoyed every moment of it, too.

The renters are doing their outside activities in the early evenings these days due to the heat. They were burning trash this evening, plus a couple of evenings ago. This is how I know they’re out there, though I kind of figured as much. Indoors with the windows shut, I couldn’t hear anything.

The single silhouette I did on the wall by my office door has faded a great deal. That wall gets more light than the one where the other 3 are. This is okay, though, as I don’t like how this one came out, or the one in the retreat.

I never did order those beauty supplies I was going to order. Instead, with the little bit of stock money we just sold, I ordered a handful of things from a gift catalog – wind chimes, border punchers for decorating stationery, etc.

TUESDAY, MAY 20, 2003
I would be so stressed out right now if I had to report tomorrow. You don’t know the relief of knowing that I don’t really have to! My schedule’s all wrong for it. I’d have the pressure on me to decide if it’d be best to push myself to stay up late enough to report in the morning, or if I wanted to short my sleep and do it in the afternoon.

Of course, it’s no coincidence that my allergies have gotten worse since being freed from the freeloaders.

I still can’t believe it all happened and God let it. He let it all happen when nothing I did or was accused of justified a microscopic fraction of the sentence I got.

I got a letter and a quick draft from Mary. Damn, her mother’s warped! She tried to get Mary to have a miscarriage in the hospital in light of what the baby’s father was all about, and this much I can understand, but when Mary fell and she lied to the nurses who came running in, saying that it was Mary who insisted upon getting up and about when she wasn’t supposed to except to use the bathroom, I was like, what a sicko! And she protected the bitch, too. She protects the bitch like God protects those who do me wrong, and this is why I seriously believe she enjoys the abuse. This bitch so deserves to be disowned! We all gotta draw the line somewhere, but Mary simply has no lines anywhere.

She says the girls there won’t leave her alone. Yes, I can just imagine how the poor girl gets hounded for attention since so many inmates can’t seem to entertain themselves, and how much begging she must have to put up with. Just 12 hours in Florence and one woman wanted me to contact her sister to let her know she was in custody, while another wanted to give me her new car for bonding her out.

Although it might take a century or two (you know how long it takes to write a book), it looks like I’ll be finishing this book after all since I now have a damn good idea of where I’m heading with it. In fact, I think I just may try to either publish the thing myself (since trying to get a publisher isn’t so easy, especially with the kind of story I’m writing) or see if I can find a site online where people post their stories for others to read and give any feedback they might want to give. I don’t know if such a site exists, but it seems reasonable that one should. I don’t expect to have any luck with it or make any money off of it, but can it kill me to try?

Because I’ve decided to change it from just a love story to a love story that slowly evolves into a story of obsession and danger, I decided that Spring Romance is no longer an appropriate title for it. It is now titled Love in Disguise. I’ve also gone and changed any known names like Estrella Jail and Kate Jackson. I kept the Kate, but changed the Jackson to guess what? Johnson, ha, ha, ha!

When you think about it, it’ll be very much like Mary’s real-life story, only there won’t be any kids involved and the story will be about violence in gay relationships versus straight ones. I’d also like to kind of use part of her story that I found, in my opinion, to be particularly terrifying – the part where Justin kicked the bathroom door down that she was locked in behind. That was really scary to read that I can’t imagine actually having to experience it for real!

After Kate terrorizes me for a while, I’ll be rescued by an Indian woman. Gay, of course.

For what Mary will find the best news of all – I found her murdering, criminalistic soul mate. Well, Tom did. She provided more information to help find him but still won’t tell me why he was convicted of second-degree murder. I guess she never will, but it’s okay. She doesn’t have to tell me anything she doesn’t want to tell me.

Anyway, we got a computer print-out of the address he’s at in northern Florida and other general info, including a listing of his many tattoos and where they are on his body. He’s listed as white and looks white, but has a Hispanic name. I just hope she gets what I’m sending as I don’t know what their rules are as far as receiving computer info, but if worse comes to worst, they’ll return it and I’ll resend it in letter format.

I called her aunt, too. I got her machine and left the info on it, just in case she happens to talk to Mary before she gets my mail.

The Humane Society sent another pad and a small sheet of address labels, but still no cards. This time I got cats and dogs versus wolves.

I found an ugly 2”, brown centipede or millipede of some kind on the bathroom floor. I don’t like this – finding bugs in here right after we bombed.

The current holdup on the truck is his having trouble getting the wiring to the taillights straightened out, and one of his people at work being on vacation. They always, always have something going on with them. If they’re not on vacation, they’re calling out with various excuses, leaving poor Tom to have to work 6 days a week and us to have less time together to do the things we want to do. He mentioned me “taking care of him sometime soon,” but I just ignore this talk because I know he doesn’t lust for me any more than I lust for him (but I sure do lust for the younger Kate Jackson! Oh, how I’d love to get it on with her!).

Meanwhile, Tom’s either one of two things. He’s either been getting it on with someone else on the side, though I don’t know how he could manage to find the time to do so, or he is what he’s always appeared to be since the day we met; a guy with a barely existent appetite.

I still don’t think we’ll resort to having Dave haul the stuff for us and have to have Mary come out here too, cuz she can’t let Dave go anywhere alone. It’s like she doesn’t trust him or something. Every time we’d order pizza when I’d visit, both of them had to go get it and I’d be wondering why it took two people to go get pizza. Maybe he’s a slut or something and she feels the need to keep an eye on him. He does strike me as the type to spread himself around.

I had an awesome idea, but don’t know how I’d go about putting this idea into action. I thought it’d be so cool to make the bedroom ceiling look like it’s aglow with stars when it’s dark in there. It’d be so cool to find a glow-in-the-dark marker or something that’s invisible in the daylight or when the lights are on at night.

MONDAY, MAY 19, 2003
It now appears we’re going to lose all the mail-order plants except for a few poplars and an elm. Next spring we’ll get bigger poplars. The wind snapped them right in half. Getting bigger ones will be more expensive, but very well worth it. We need all the shade we can get out here. By the end of the summer, we should have a good idea of when the oleanders will be big enough to block out the renters which are a total eyesore. There’s a whole shitload of cars over there. I don’t know if they’ve got out-of-state company or if they’ve taken these cars home to repair them or what. A couple of them do have their hoods open. They’re not out much in the heat of the daytime.

I was watching TV last night, and you know, it really irks me to hear of certain kids referred to as “illegitimate.” That sounds like you’re implying that the kid isn’t truly human or something. And it bothers me when they introduce a woman as a single mom. Who gives a shit about her marital status? Lastly, it really irks me how they went all out and had this huge search for a missing pregnant woman. She got so much attention and that’s fine, but knowing they’d never go all out like that for a motherless hooker or something like that, really bothers me. Not even I’d get nearly as much attention. For one, God would be guiding and protecting my killer to make sure they never got caught, and anytime Tom asked the police what was up with the investigation, he’d no doubt get something like, “We’re working on it, but we just can’t get any solid leads.” Meanwhile, my file would be stashed somewhere where it was virtually forgotten about if it wasn’t lost entirely or dumped.

I just hope there isn’t going to be any divine interference as far as getting the kiln goes, but I know that if it’s meant to be, it’ll be, and if not, it won’t. That’s why I know not to bother praying; because God’s already got his mind made up as far as our destinies go.

SUNDAY, MAY 18, 2003
Tom and I had a pleasant evening together. We chatted, did things around the house, and played with the rats. They sure were happy to be spoiled with both of us being present!

He’s going to his ma’s later on today and will see what he can find out as far as what Doe and Art may be sending, but more importantly, what might be being sent to them. If he can’t get it through to them that my life is none of their business, nothing can. Again, perhaps she hasn’t sent them a damn thing, but I will feel so, so betrayed if I find out she has. And pissed. Especially after I asked her kindly not to, explaining that what she saw in the restaurant was only their public faces and that after living with years of abuse, any contact with them would make me very uncomfortable. But I know you can’t ask most people shit. Not even the simplest, reasonable things. People are always going to do what they’ve got to do. If she is filling them in regularly, why would she put these people, whom she only met once and doesn’t know from a can of paint, before her own daughter-in-law, her son’s wife? And of course, Tom will defend and make excuses for her if we find out she has been sending updates.

I’ll just sit and wait to find out what we can and hope that whatever she does tell us is the truth. She could very well say she hasn’t sent anything when she really has.

God, how I hate how my folks always, always have to know my business! I mean, what are the odds of them finding out about the freeloaders’ warrant from where they are? About the same as the odds of a pig coming out here to discuss Tammy with me with a warrant out there after having no police contact for 10 years, save for the time the freeloaders called the pigs on us. So once again, God made sure that such freak odds allowed them to know my business because as Tom agreed, the pigs would have mentioned the warrant to Tammy after she called to defend the man who was supposed to have abused her and beat her daughter. They’d have mentioned it as a means of “consoling” Tammy, by letting her know they were after my ass anyway.

It’s like they’re still a part of my life, even with me way out here and after I’ve ignored them and cut as many connections as possible. And I thought the welfare bums were a case of always with me, always with them! I wish I could find out I’m just being paranoid, but I very rarely get this paranoid without a valid reason. Besides, I already know from past experience that they’ve taken lengths to keep tabs on me before. I don’t know why my business is so damn important to them, but it has been in the past, so I don’t see why that’d change. I know I shouldn’t give a damn, but it really bothers me to know that these people could very well know every time I pee! I totally regret giving them mom’s address, and sending them emails and regular mail back when I did this. It makes me wonder who I’ll come to regret giving my number and address to next.

Well, at least they can’t do anything. I’ll just keep that in mind. They can get pictures of my fat face that I don’t want anybody seeing, they can hear that I’ve been jail-free like a good little girl for a couple of years now, but they can’t do anything. At least I sure as hell hope they can’t, and I better hope I’m not missing anything here cuz these people are only 71 and 72. Young enough to do anything they might be able to do that I can’t foresee. They’ve easily got another 10-20 years left of their sorry existence.

In the past, I didn’t bother putting spells on them because I was just so indifferent to them, but maybe I should. You bet your ass I’ll be spelling his mom if I end up hearing anything I don’t want to hear! In that case, I’ll want nothing from her. Nothing. Just her immune system.

Later…

Tom assures me I have nothing to worry about as far as mom or Mary sending them anything which is fine because I can’t keep worrying about it. I have to live my life. They have no power or hold on me and they never will again.

I’m going to go work on my story. I think I’m going to kind of take Mary’s idea, which is a good one. Only instead of there being a jealous psycho trying to come between Kate and me, I’ll still turn Kate into a psycho, but maybe have another woman rescue me from her in the end.

After the groceries, I had dropped to a debt of $9, but now it’s up to $19 cuz I got Tom a present that can be for either his birthday or our anniversary, both of which are next week. It’s software for searching for all kinds of things like MP3s, movies, etc. I may also get him a shake mixer that blends shakes by the cup.

SATURDAY, MAY 17, 2003
I just got a 15-pack of big manila envelopes and when Mary’s stamps arrive, I’ll slap some on and send off the non-book stuff and the few book pages I threw in. I’m down to two stamps so I want to keep them for individual letters. If they don’t come by the middle of the week or so, I’ll get some more.

The wind snapped one of the poplars in half which I doubt will grow back, and the wildlife tried digging up one of the palms. Except for poisonous plants, we have to start getting bigger trees from now on.

I’m still $11 in debt, so hopefully Mom will give Tom one of her famous 20s for us to split, but I doubt it.

Tom missed playing his electric guitar, so he bought some guitar strings today, but first he had to repair a broken fret. I still don’t miss the guitar or keyboards all that much. My interests have totally changed, save for the singing. I still sing regularly. I also still have my big and small keyboards and my two guitars.

The site I found online agrees that I am 20 pounds overweight. After typing in a small bone structure, a height of 5’, and a weight of 125, it said my BMI (body mass index) was 24. It said I was 28% fat and should be 18%-23% fat. Also, I should be 92-104 lbs. I’d settle for just 110-115 at this point!

Tom got me my cell phone today from Verizon Wireless. I’ll be sending Mary the number to give to her aunt, but I’ll put a hold on Paula for now. It is way cool. A little complex, but cool. I can choose between 25 different ringtones, set different ringtones for specific people, and program people’s names, numbers, street addresses, and email addresses. It’s got a few games and screensavers. The screen and numbers glow a gas flame blue color, unlike Tom’s boring black phone. Tom taught me how to do text messages using the phone, but it’d be easier to do on the computer. It’s got all kinds of stuff on it, though I haven’t learned everything yet.

It’s 30¢ a minute during workdays, 15¢ in the evenings and on weekends, and 5¢ for text messages.

FRIDAY, MAY 16, 2003
Summer has hit with a vengeance. The AC is now needed night and day. I expect our electric bill will triple itself anytime now.

I’m still waiting for Mary to tell me why Jose’s in jail and how they met. I mean, what’s the big secret and why didn’t she tell me about him sooner than she did? She says the soul mate letters pertain to him. Well, why didn’t she just say so then?

At least I’d never have to worry about her or Paula stealing Tom from me, not that he’d allow himself to be stolen. It’s just that Tom’s too nice for Mary and too white for Paula.

In Mary’s letter that I got yesterday, she says it’s so noisy where she is and she’s always tired. She’s now sorry she came to Florida and says she’d take the peace at Estrella over the shit she’s living with now, despite the better treatment. It really sucks that she has to live through it with no radio to help drown some of it out. I agree with her; I’d take the quiet over the better treatment. Hell, I’d take Estrella simply for the radio alone if I had to be in one place or the other.

She finally confirmed that no, she doesn’t have all the poems and affirmations, so I’m going to send her all her non-book stuff, plus some book stuff to hopefully close some of the gaps.

I still continue to sneeze and have a stuffy nose every day of my life. It really gets old, but I know there’s nothing I can do about it. At least the nasal spray keeps me from sneezing non-stop for up to 24 hours like I used to.

As I was sifting through a joke site with jokes geared towards various groups of people, I was surprised to find just how many people feel as I do about certain groups. I guess it’s just because Arizona’s so pro-minority that it makes you feel like you’re the only one that’s anti-minority, or better yet, as I should say, for equality. I was like, where were all these people when virtually every person in this state was kicking my ass with the poor, poor black shit, never questioning the blacks’ credibility for an instant? People not only exchange jokes here, but they bitch about being joked about, and then those that joke about them bitch about them bitching. Someone asked a damn good question – why are they there if they don’t like what they read?

Anyway, the more I learn about them, the more prejudiced I become. They weren’t even actual slaves in the way they want us to believe they were. They were sent here willingly by their own people in Africa and whatever other countries they came from. I’m sorry they decided they had such a rough time here and didn’t like it in the end, but then why didn’t they go home once they were freed? I guess they preferred to stick around and get revenge on us.

And I too, am sick of the reverse discrimination no one wants to address. They’re just too damn busy addressing us picking on them, whether or not we’re really even doing so. When we want to honor our white heritage or have a white TV channel or a white whatever, we’re mean, evil racists, but it’s okay for them to flaunt their color and have their black pageants, black TV and radio stations, etc.

Later…

Tom just left for work. He asked me if I had any bad vibes when I got up and I told him no. He said he had vibes about someone in his family dying, then said that maybe it was someone in my family, though we wouldn’t find out right away.

“We wouldn’t ever find out, not that I’d care to know. We don’t keep in contact,” I said.

“But I’m sure they’re still exchanging holiday cards with my mother and would send a letter there, figuring you’re still part of the family,” he said.

“Well, that’d be a strange thing to figure after all the years I’ve ignored them. How many more years of silence would they need to figure out that I’m not a part of the family? And why would I care to know who died? Like what could I do about it?”

It makes no sense for them to exchange cards when they barely know each other and when they know I want nothing to do with them. I think they’re just doing it to get information. I know that somehow, someway, they know every single thing that’s gone on in my life since I dumped them, just like I know they used Kim to spy on me and report back to them. They probably even paid her to do it, too. My folks have always been just about the most persuasive people I’ve ever known. I don’t know why they’re so damn obsessed with me and my life, but I try not to let it bother me. It’s not like they could use anything they could know against me, but I do thoroughly regret giving them mom’s address.

Tom claims he doesn’t think Mom’s answering any of their cards since she can’t write, and I did ask her not to contact them, but I don’t know. She’s proven herself long ago to be a very selfish woman who will put her own desires before others. Besides, if she couldn’t send them updates and whatever pictures they have, Mary could, which strikes me as something she’d do out of sheer spite. Mary doesn’t like me any more than I like her, but the difference is that she can’t make me sick like I can make her sick! Yes, Tom talked to her earlier and she’s still having her problems. The stomach flu was the latest. Ha, ha, ha!

You’ll never get better, Mary, never!

Anyway, I know I should tell myself that if they’ve just got to gossip and swap info – fine. Let them. They can’t hurt me. I don’t ever have to see or talk to these people again. Never again can or will they take from me or hurt me in any way shape or form. They lost that power years ago.

In other news, the renters have a ton of company but have remained pleasantly quiet. Voices can sometimes be heard outside the house, but that’s about all. There are like 6 different vehicles there right now. I still look forward to blocking them out. They take a lot of our privacy.

Later…

The more I think about it, the more of a nagging feeling I’ve got that says Doe and Art are fishing for info, and who knows how much Mom or Mary are giving them? See, what bothers me so much about the idea isn’t that I’m ashamed of anything they might find out about me or that they could use the information against me, but that they’ve used spies to keep them up to date before. It’s like an obsession they can’t let go of. Who they are also makes it an unsettling idea, too. If it were an ex-friend, lover or an old teacher, then I wouldn’t care so much cuz they didn’t put me through 32 years of hell. Having suffered so much abuse on account of these people makes it more unnerving. It’d be like Mom exchanging cards with an old boyfriend of Mary’s who abused her before she met Dave. That’s how uncomfortable I am with the idea. I wish Tom could get through to them, if they truly are answering any mail from them they may receive, that while they can’t control what they may get from them, they could at least stop writing them because of how it makes me feel. I don’t want these people to know a damn thing about me. I don’t want them hearing my name, getting updates, getting pictures, etc. There’s no reason they should get any mail from Arizona at all. They are strictly in the past. People I knew long ago along with thousands of others who have come and gone in my lifetime. They don’t need to “keep tabs” on me, nor do I wish to know a damn thing about them. I wasn’t kidding when I said I didn’t care if they were happy, sad, healthy, sick, dead or alive. Their lives are their lives and mine’s mine. If I wanted to associate with them, I would’ve called them a long time ago. This isn’t just about their evil deeds being unforgivable, it’s about keeping myself unavailable to them to abuse again. They may not be able to punish me by taking away my stereo and they may not be able to label me a nut as soon as they get fed up with my uniqueness and have me funny farmed and drugged, but I’d still have to listen to them try to control me verbally. I’d still have to be pulled in the middle of the he-said-she-said bullshit, and every time I’d hear and see them, I’d be reminded of just what they stand for and what they’ve done to me. I have enough horrible memories of them as it is. I simply cannot be connected to anyone who has harmed me the way they did. I have a little more self-respect than that. Besides, they’re just not my type. Meaning, I simply have nothing in common with them, Tammy or anyone they know.

Having spies report to them is nothing new. They used Kim as a spy and I know they’ve had their little spies in Springfield, too. Also, think they wanted me to move down to Connecticut cuz they thought I’d have such a wonderful life there? No way. They wanted me there where their favorite daughter could give them my life story. Or at least her version of it anyway. I don’t know why it’s always been so important to them to know what’s going on with me, but it’s always been that way. They always, always know my business. Always. I don’t know if it’s just boredom within their own lives that makes them want to stick their noses into other people’s lives or what, but it really bothers me. Andy was that way, too. His own life wasn’t very entertaining at all, so he made his life other people’s lives by gossiping about everything they’d say and do.

Another thing that stands out in my mind pertains to Mary. When we were over there one day, I asked her not to share our number or address or any info about us. Instead of getting something like, “No problem,” or, “Sure,” or “Okay,” or some kind of comment, I got nothing. She just kind of looked downward with a strange look. I don’t know if I could call it a guilty look, but it sure made me wonder at the time if she might’ve known something I didn’t.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 14, 2003
Mary sent a gorgeous friendship card. It had a floral plastic overlay in front which I detached and put on a cabinet door in the kitchen. It’s cool that she can get things like that in there. They certainly didn’t have cards on their commissary list in Estrella. They didn’t have half the things they’ve got. There’s so much where she is in Florida that I’m really shocked they don’t sell radios. A radio is the ultimate escape from all the noise and commotion in jail.

Tom saw a little baby bunny this morning when he got in from work. I was wondering when we’d see baby bunnies. After all, we’ve got baby prairie dogs.

I began recording some vocals again since I now have a faster computer that can sync up with the karaoke music. Maybe I’ll still end up making a CD.

In the fall, after I’ve had a few more months to buy some of the less expensive things I want, I’m going to get these weight-loss pills called Leptoprin. It’s expensive at $90 for a month’s supply, but it seems pretty powerful and promising as opposed to most of the scams out there. I suppose the worst that could happen is that it doesn’t work and I waste even more money and stay chunky, but I won’t know till I try it. Although mostly geared towards the significantly overweight, you can use it to lose 15-20 pounds as I’d like to do. It’s not recommended for those wanting to lose as little as 5 pounds. I figured it would be worth the money if I could get the weight off faster and easier without either the painstaking slowness of a regular diet or with a crash diet. With this, I should be able to keep my usual routine of 1400-1800 calories a day, plus my exercise and still lose weight. At first I was against losing weight, figuring that if I were suddenly 100-110, my body would simply reset itself back to the mid-120s in a matter of weeks due to my age, but maybe it won’t if I watch what I eat and keep up with the exercise like I try to do anyway. See, my problem isn’t just an older, slower metabolism, it’s hunger. You get hungrier with age as well as have your metabolism slow down. It takes a lot to fill me up and when I do get full, I don’t stay full for too long. This stuff’s supposed to help suppress the appetite. Tom thinks it’s a scam and that it’ll be harder for me to keep the weight off this way, but I don’t think so. It’s all the same to me. Meaning, it’ll still be a challenge either way. I’ve found that regardless of how I lose weight, if I start eating too much, it will come back. I can crash it off, I can lose it slowly, but it’ll still come back if I start eating more than 1800 calories a day. About 1500-1600 is suitable to maintain my weight at my age and height as long as I work out. If I quit working out I’d have to drop it to 1300-1400, but I wouldn’t want to stop working out. I like the muscles and feeling firm and tight underneath this mushy flab.

The only negatives to this stuff, besides its cost, is that it causes jitters, dry mouth, anxiety and insomnia, but as long as I’m not the queen of appointments like I was for the bulk of my life, I can live with the insomnia. Besides, I’m not going to be on this stuff for too long. It’s the jitters that I’m most concerned with, but they say most of the side effects go away after the first week, according to the handful of reviews from Leptoprin users I read online. My thorough research on this product looks good, but like I said, I probably won’t get it till around the fall.

I’ve got my heart and mind set on the Leptoprin and the kiln. Not even God can stop me this time! He has enjoyed seeing me fail as much as he’s enjoyed seeing me suffer, but not this time. No, this time he’s very much on my side because he has no choice! My life and body belong to me. It should’ve become mine when I turned 18, but I guess 37 is better than never at all.

TUESDAY, MAY 13, 2003
I got mail from both Mary and Bob. I knew Bob would write me back, too. I’m not going to write him as much as I used to or like I do with Mary, but I don’t mind sending letters once a month or so. He may be annoying at times the way he can talk like a typical male slut, but he’s never done a damn thing wrong to me. That much I can give him. If it hadn’t been for him, Deerfield might’ve killed me or driven me completely insane!

He sent Tammy’s letter, though the idiot fucked up and said so, rather than, “That really sucks about your neighbors,” like I asked him too, in case I read the letter to Tom. Tom was asleep when I got up to read the letter, though.

I still don’t have any bad vibes pertaining to Tammy, Teddy Bear or the freeloaders, though they could just be biding their time. Right now, though, I sense nothing. I’m not going to worry about them anyway.

Since Kim remarried and had a son, he’s only heard from her twice, the last time being 6 months ago.

He’ll be 68 this August but still hasn’t said when he’s getting out, where he’ll go, and what restrictions he’ll have to live with. He did say he contacted a total of 325 lawyers since being in there and all turned him down but one. That one, however, wants a million dollars, win or lose.

He says his sister and brother are fucking him over with his social security checks. I don’t know, I guess they’re keeping the money for themselves. What I wonder, though, is if he’s got no one, like he says he doesn’t, how does he get money without working? At least I don’t think he works.

He asked if I still sing and dance and if I’d send some pictures. He’s going to be getting a big envelope with a lot of goodies, actually. I’m sending pictures, jokes and my autobiography in which I changed a lot of names. Of course, he’ll know the bulk of my life story. It’s mostly the jail stuff he’ll want to read that he won’t know in such detail. He’ll get quite an eyeful pertaining to Teddy Bear!

He must think I’m a hypocrite lecturing him about his dirty mouth (the good old sexist in me wouldn’t care if he were a woman) after I’ve gone and sent him dozens of dirty jokes! I guess he can say what he wants, but hopefully use his best judgment. I’m not the welfare bums. I’m not gonna get all hot and bothered by words. If I don’t like anything I read, I can do the mature, adult thing and not read it. Besides, I don’t want to sound like Dureen with all her dos and don’ts, and of course, I don’t care about swearing.

He asked about Tom and told him to tell him how lucky he is to have me and that he hopes to see me before he dies.

He says he and Tina only exchanged one letter which I was surprised to learn. I thought they had become regular pen pals for a while there.

He has a gay, deaf celly he gets along with which he’s grateful for after having “9 of the worst,” as he puts it. He still sounds really miserable and lonely which is why I decided to keep in touch every now and then. No one writes him and he says he can barely breathe without guards ready to throw him in isolation. Of course, if I had to be locked up, isolation would be my blessing with the way I prefer solitude. I am not a people person, that’s for sure!

To cover the highlights of Mary’s letter – she’s happy I’m off probation, and being the compassionate person that she is, she got a little misty-eyed when reading my letter to Teddy Bear, but the piece of mind I’ve been dying to share with her for ages has been sent.

“See, Jodi, God answered your prayers,” she said in regard to the probation termination.

Yeah, AFTER 6 months in jail, thousands of dollars, 100 hours of community service, a zillion reports and then some. And all the while his precious little welfare bums get to get away with perjury and all their other evil deeds.

The letter she sent was number 6, but I don’t remember ever getting a number 5. I’m seriously thinking I’m not getting all her letters, though she’s gotten all of mine so far. Still nothing about poems and affirmations, so as I told her, I’ll assume she did get them.

She said Jose’s letters look great and that she feels bad that she can’t send me $50 (I thought she was going to have her aunt do that). I told her not to worry, and that a book or two of stamps was sufficient enough. After all, she’s my friend and I wanted to help her. She says she’ll take me to buy tons of dolls and even a kiln with money she makes from her book which is really sweet, but again I assured her that while I know she may want to do a little something for my typing which is fine, she doesn’t have to go all out like that. Besides, I really think I’m going to have that kiln way before the book’s published. See, I decided that one could do one of two things; they can either want something bad enough to do it, or they can not really want it all that bad and make excuses. Well, the truck and fences are still our top priorities which we’re well on our way to getting taken care of. After these things are done, then our other tasks shouldn’t be as big. We’ll do things like panel over the ugly sheds, fix the master bathroom shower and wallpaper that room, redo the fucked up living room mural, and add porches and decks. These are things we can do at a more leisurely pace. However, the sooner we get the truck licensed, the sooner we’ll have something to haul the fences which I’ve been wanting ever since we came here. It’s going to be way nice having something to haul large items in.

We decided our best bet would be to build a little kiln shed outdoors. Kilns can go in houses, and there’d probably be no problem, but we’d feel much better with something that gets to be over 2000° outside the house and not inside it.

This month we’ll be getting my cell phone and ditching the regular phone. The reason we each want to have our own phone is so that I could contact him, if the need ever be, with my own phone if he were out doing errands or whatever. When I asked if he got an unlisted number on his, he said you couldn’t get cell numbers anyway, and explained to me how it works. It’s nothing like a regular phone. They assign you a number and activate it when you buy the phone, but you don’t get bills or anything. You buy time in minutes. We wanted to go this route because we use our phone so little. It’s cheaper to pay for what we use than to pay for all kinds of stuff we don’t use. We’ll have Caller ID and voice messaging, though. I don’t care anymore for things like call-waiting and 3-way. It only costs a nickel to send text messages, too. You just go online, type in the number you want to send the message to, type in your message (you do have a word limit), then send it. It’s way cool.

Anyway, the prairie dogs run right up to the steps as soon as I go out to feed them. Even the bunnies don’t take off running when I go out there, though they’re not nearly as brave as the prairie dogs.

I don’t usually see myself from the waist down, but when I had the closet door open prior to bombing, I saw myself from head to toe in the full-length mirror that’s inside the door. My calves look great from all the jogging! Totally defined. Especially from the side, but from the front you can see how bow-legged I am. My thighs remain my worst physical feature being fat and poorly shaped and what with the skin folds I have around the knees (same with the elbows) from many extreme weight fluctuations.

SUNDAY, MAY 11, 2003
Yesterday evening was a little expensive but fun. At 6:00 we set the bombs off, then Tom, the rats and myself took off for Casa Grande. Our first stop was Dairy Queen. Sitting there eating in the car and hearing all the city noise with one stereo after another going by made me all the more grateful we don’t live in the city! To be able to leave civilization behind and come home to peace and quiet is a wonderful thing for someone who once couldn’t help but know her neighbor’s every move.

When we hit the grocery store, I was surprised to find an Osco inside it. I ended up getting a $5 sundress with palm trees, vanilla sugar cologne, pouty pink lipstick, and a gorgeous angel figurine for $30. I went from being $17 in debt to $41, but it was worth it because we went over our $90 grocery budget. She’s 8½” seated, so she’s not too small. She has amazingly realistic detail within her hands, feet and pretty much everywhere. I don’t think she’s made of porcelain, but rather some form of plaster or alabastrite. There’s no wig on her or clothing glued on. She wears an off-the-shoulder mauve dress with pale pink wings and caramel-colored hair. She sits upon a big leaf with scattered flowers and mushrooms and has a pink floral headband. I didn’t bother to put her on my doll chart as I never bothered to chart Barbies and figurines.

The dress, which is size small, fits well. In fact, it’s even a bit big on me.

The last of Mary’s letters are going out tonight. I do so hope she gets everything I’ve sent! She should now have everything I had of hers, pictures and all, except I’m still waiting to hear if she ever did get the poems and affirmations or not. There are 60 pages of those, and I’ll mail them in a big envelope if I have to.

FRIDAY, MAY 9, 2003
Got a couple of letters from Mary. Again neither of them mentioned her poems and affirmations, but she did tell me to send book parts she’s missing. Something like 15 pages. She said there’s more missing, too. Yeah, I noticed that in Phoenix there were a few gaps here and there.

Tom got a box of 1,500 sheets of white paper so I could continue printing copies of Jose’s letter, so if all goes well she’ll get those real soon. She gave a little more info on him like the county he was sentenced in, saying he’s innocent and was tricked into pleading guilty, but she still hasn’t told me what he was convicted of.

It also sounds like she went and mailed the 8 books of stamps before I could get a reply back to her and this worries me too, cuz she said she was going to mail them when she got her commissary which was a week ago. It shouldn’t take more than 4 days for our mail to get to each other without it being Christmas or something.

It was so mild today that we didn’t need the AC till 4 PM! This is great prairie dog weather, though, they can usually stand the heat pretty well. When I went out to feed them earlier, they came trickling out from everywhere as soon as they heard the door open. There were at least 4 babies and 4 adults. They get pretty close to me, too.

I took a dozen pink roses and tacked them in scattered places along one living room wall and it looks really cool.

Tomorrow’s going to be no fun, but it’ll be worth it. We’re bombing both because we saw one of those big spiders in the utility area, though it was either dead or dying and because it’s a good time of year to do so. While we’re out we’re going to do the grocery shopping which will be a miserably hectic experience cuz it’s going to be mobbed with it being Saturday. There are just too many damn people in this state! Actually, there are not as many as one would think. There’s more in Massachusetts than there is here because there’s so much empty government land and Indian reservations here. It also seems more crowded because people live in a more even scattering back east and here they live in clumps. Here you either have neighbors just a few feet away or you get multi-acreage lots as we’ve got.

THURSDAY, MAY 8, 2003
The weather has continued to be incredibly, but pleasantly mild. It’ll save us a lot on our electric bill. Tom said it was actually cold when he got off work in the morning that he almost put his jacket on and it’s May!

Paula left a message yesterday saying she had court tomorrow (today) for a probation violation and might do 90 days, but she’s always going in for probation violations that she might do 90 days for, so who knows? She’s bound to end up locked up sooner or later what with all she gets into, even in the more tolerant Massachusetts.

If Mary mailed Teddy Bear’s letter when I think she did, then she should have it today or tomorrow. Saturday at the latest. Still no bad vibes about it, but you know what? I’m not going to let anyone fuck me over the way they did simply because I spoke out and or complained about something. God gave me a voice to use, I have a right to use it, and I will use it! I’m not going to let what happened with the welfare bums scare me out of speaking my mind when I see fit to, and that goes for Tammy as well. I was just waiting for the right time which I figured would be after the probation. I just didn’t know it’d come this soon.

Like I said, I’m determined to “fight back,” speak up and show people that no, they can’t fuck with me just because they may not like something I have to say, the way I look, something I do, and no, they can’t always get the last word. That’s what this is mostly about with Tammy; getting the last word and returning the lies. Some may say it’s a childish waste of time, but so be it. She led the pigs to my door when I had a warrant out on me (though I didn’t know it) with her pack of lies saying I threatened the kids as well as Bill. For that, I’ve sent a letter to Bob asking him to mail it for me “because I don’t want her to know what state we moved to,” as I explained to Bob (I also filled him in on what’s been going on with me).

She lied about me, so I’m lying about her, saying she’s been calling and harassing and threatening Tom’s family trying to find us, his job required us to move out of state so that’s why I’m having Bob send the letter, her bogus threats of charges didn’t scare us, we laughed at how she rambled on with the lies and will sic her local cops on her if we hear from her again, etc.

Assuming Bob gets the letter, mails it, and Tammy hasn’t moved, she should be getting that right about now, too.

So, it’s a case of yes, I can do the same things others do and get away with it too, and no, God does not favor and protect everybody but me.

I also know to ignore the police if they come around, so unless they want to kick their way in here and literally kidnap me from this house, they won’t be meeting with me.

WEDNESDAY, MAY 7, 2003
That damn wildlife! The prairie dogs and rabbits are cute, but I’m sick of them going after the stuff we try to plant. They messed with the Poplars and the Sharons, but they are still alive, so hopefully they’ll make it. At least they can’t mess with the oleanders since they’re poisonous. Still, I don’t understand why enough is never enough for them. I put out food, they have a million other trees and bushes to nibble on, yet they just have to get into everything and anything out there.

Meanwhile, I did get a letter about my early freedom after all. There’s no way I could decipher the scribbled name of the judge, but I can at least see, not at all to my surprise, that it isn’t the one that sentenced me. Yes, I figured a hateful monster like that couldn’t one day up and have a heart. Perhaps it’s a random thing and when a petition is put in by a PO, you never know what judge is going to end up receiving it, and in my case, it was just a matter of getting it to the right judge who’d finally put their foot down and say enough’s enough.

The letter reads as follows:

The defendant has completed approximately two years and five months of her three-year probation grant. Pinal County Adult Probation Officer B has supervised the defendant as a courtesy case since May 2001. According to APO B, Ms. S has a good attitude and has completed over two years of probation “incident-free.” The defendant reports twice monthly as directed and completed 100 hours of community service on September 6, 2001. Ms. S completed a mental health screening on August 7, 2001 and outpatient anger management counseling on October 19, 2001. She has neither tested positive for drugs/alcohol nor had any known police contact. APO B did not direct the defendant into adult education classes. It is APO B’s opinion that the defendant is not in need of such classes. Ms. S has a high school diploma and is a graduate of sign language school. According to the Clerk’s records probation service fees are current. The defendant has little to no supervision needs and appears to be an appropriate candidate for early termination. If the Court deems early termination inappropriate, it is respectfully requested that the probationer be placed on unsupervised probation. It is further recommended that this offense be designated a misdemeanor.

TUESDAY, MAY 6, 2003
Instead of going to Red Lobster, we went to Home Depot and K-Mart early yesterday morning.

K-Mart was pleasantly dead. We got blank CDs, plus a 6-pack of flavored Chap Sticks (the mocha and mint chocolate chip are the best), and these really nice colorful bath beads filled with scented oil.

At Home Depot we got 3 live indoor plants, decorative pots with attached drain pans to put them in, plus some potting soil.

I have no idea the names of these plants. All I know is that two are tropical plants and one’s possibly from a rainforest. The rainforest one has big wide leaves stemming from skinny round stalks and it’s 3½’ tall and in a dark purple pot. Then there’s a spider-like plant that may actually be some sort of a palm that’s 2’ tall that’s in a light-colored pot with a few clumps of colorful streaks. Lastly, there’s a lamblike plant on tall skinny stalks that’s 5½’ tall in a pot with watery-like splotches of blue and burnt orange.

I don’t know how big these things are going to get, but I do know that the leafy one will get to be at least 5’ as we saw one there that was that tall. There were some plants there that were easily 8’ tall! I’m hoping they’ll all get big, as high as the ceiling! Of course, the ceiling levels vary over them depending on where they’re placed. The ceiling’s 7’ where the leafy one is and 9½’ where the biggest one is. I hope to get a couple more too, though I don’t want a lot of them cuz then I’d be stuck with the bucket brigade hassle.

I received a letter from Mary today with a hefty request, yet with a generous offer for doing it. She wanted me to type up a letter to José on plain white paper using the inkjet printer and send her 100 copies. She doesn’t know what prison he’s in so she wants to send them to all the prisons in the state. I still don’t know what he’s been convicted of, but she says he’s innocent and will tell me all about it. She swears she’s madly in love with him and that he’s this kind, caring, sensitive and compassionate guy, but I don’t know. I mean, I have a hell of a feeling he’s just like all the others – sweet-talking one minute, throwing punches the next. I’d have to see Mary with a non-abusive guy on the outs for a few years before I could believe she’s broken her thirst for violence. This is someone who craves abuse like I used to crave cigarettes. It’s not an easy habit to break, and everyone she’s seen or been interested in has a record, too.

Anyway, she says she can’t stop thinking of him, crying over him and wondering where he is. She said the best way to describe it is to use the pain and curiosity I went through with Teddy Bear as the best example, so I can certainly understand where she’s coming from. She offered to have her aunt send $5 while she sent 8 books of stamps and an envelope for doing this favor for her. I assured her that while it was a big job, I’d be happy to help her out. Also, why not get doll money for doing so? I asked myself if I was being selfish and taking advantage of her, but I don’t think so. Not after all I’ve done for her for nothing. I think it’s a reasonable deal, though I would still do it for nothing. I told her she could keep the envelope, send just one book of stamps, and make it $50, and if that won’t work she can go back to her original offer, but still hold the envelope and even the $5. I also told her that although I’d use plain paper and the fancy font she requested, I didn’t see why it had to be done on the inkjet printer. I’m going to do it on the laserjet since it’ll still look the same and I’m low on ink. I ran out of white paper so I’ll send what I’ve got till I get more and can finish the job. I’m sending something like 27 letters today.

We tried to look for him online, but couldn’t find him.

FRIDAY, MAY 2, 2003
It’s amazing how it’s May now, yet we don’t need the AC at night. We’re going to save on our electric bill this year!

The fish tank got all cloudy again despite my removing the live plants. It really does need to be drained like the betta’s bowls, so I siphon it down as low as I can, plug the drain in the sink, pour the rest out, then net the fish back into the tank after I’ve put in a bit of new water. It’s a bitch, but I’m never getting fish again so that’s okay. I still can’t believe how big one of the angelfish got. It’s twice as big as the other one and who knows if it’s done growing.

We’re going to go out on Monday or Tuesday to celebrate our newfound freedom. We may go to Red Lobster, but we’ll definitely check out some stores. I want to look at home plants. We definitely won’t go to any department stores as late in the day as we did the last time. It was terrible! I couldn’t even move in there with all the damn people and it really took the fun out of shopping. I found myself just wanting to get the hell out of there instead.

Tom was glad I was still up when he got in yesterday morning cuz he got a text message on his pager in Spanish and wanted me to translate it for him. It was cool to know I could do that too, even though all it said was: Congratulations, call to claim your prize! So he deleted it, knowing it was just a dumb sales pitch.

I sent Mom a quick letter. I know she likes to get them from time to time, though I don’t send them too often.

I left Jamie at JBS a message inquiring about prices on 3 dolls, one of which I’ll definitely get from her at some point. The others I can get better deals on online. She has a good memory cuz she told me she knew I was interested in a couple of Donna Rubert dolls that are currently two-for-one, but then again, how many customers can you have when your merchandise costs hundreds of dollars? Nonetheless, I don’t want these dolls anymore and by the time I saved up for them, the sale would be off.

At this point, I expect to have my mugs, the ballerina ornaments, Dalene, Sydney and Red Hot Barbie by July. In early September I expect to order Haiku from JBS, then Felicity in mid-late October before I begin saving for the mannequin.

How happy I am this May as opposed to last May when I came to the sad sinking realization that Teddy Bear was nothing more than a lying head player who only used me for her own entertainment. How bummed I was to learn that my “dedicated professional” wasn’t so dedicated after all. Yeah, well, she’ll hear from me one last time all about it, and then I really don’t care what happens from there as long as I continue not to hear from her.