June 2002 in 2000s

SUNDAY, JUNE 30, 2002
Tom was watching a home improvement show that told him that the direction of our dryer door could be reversed. I always wished it opened the other way and he fixed it.

Sneezy died yesterday, something I’m not too sorry about. I never really cared for that rat and his constant sneezing. I wouldn’t have kept him for just over a year like I did if it weren’t for Tom.

I was going to send Paula a bunch of MP3s since I’m re-burning them without folders. That’s nearly 700 songs. What stopped me was Tom’s pointing out that if I should get caught, that’s a felony. A felony for giving copies of the songs, and a felony for sending them through the mail. Knowing that I can never get away with shit, and knowing that it’d be Arizona that’d go after me and not Massachusetts, I decided against it, even though the chances may be one in a million that I’d get caught. Besides, she probably wouldn’t know what to do with them anyway.

Yesterday and today my throat was a little sore, but I don’t feel like I have a cold.

Tom signed us up for AOL but hasn’t gotten it working yet. Meanwhile, I’ve been adding my own photo albums to that community Webshots site, that huge wallpaper site I recently stumbled upon. So far I’ve uploaded 3 albums - 2 rat albums and one with mice. There’s this thing that tells me how many times the albums have been viewed and how many downloads were made. So far, my first rat album’s been viewed once and the second one’s been viewed 7 times, but no downloads were made. When I’m done with all the uploading, I’ll have 2 rat albums, 2 mice albums, a doll album, and a scenic album, which will consist of pictures I took on and around our land.

SATURDAY, JUNE 29, 2002
A group of about 4 of Tom’s employees got him some soda, a colorful birthday balloon, a card, and a credit card for up to $40 of food at the Olive Garden restaurant. That’s a lot of pasta!

He didn’t stop at the PO on his way to work tonight (last night), but that’s okay. I know my doll isn’t there, even though it is there. It’s just gonna have to sit there till we email PG on July 10th.

They have us rather confused right now. They were supposed to deduct 25% off of Carmencita and Murganah when I ordered them and bought a 1-year membership, but then they sent me certificates for 25% off of two dolls.

I am so done with this doll company after I fight for the 3 we ordered on our anniversary! So done with them! They may be cheap, but no thanks. Not if the fun’s gonna be spoiled with shit like this and with having to trace and fight for dolls. I’ll learn to make my own.

Got a makeshift letter from Mary yesterday. She was out of paper and envelopes. I decided to send her a sheet or two of blank paper whenever I write. I know how outrageous paper is in there - $1.50 for 50 sheets. Out in the real world, you can get so much paper for so little, so I don’t mind doing this at all.

I’m surprised she ran out of paper. She always has a ton of money in her account, and they don’t have a limit on how much paper per week you can order like they do with envelopes.

She also said something I didn’t quite get. Something about Justin’s trying to get into a funny farm, which means they’ll take her to prison in Florida.

But I thought she’d have to go to prison no matter where he ended up.

Anyway, she says she’s glad something will finally be happening and that she should know on July 22nd.

And I wish she’d stay there! Just long enough to give Teddy Bear my letter. God won’t have it, though, I know it. He’d never have her return while Mary was there. He wants us as done with each other as we have been since April 27th, 2001. Then why’d you have me fall in love with her, God??? Why’d I have to come to love her in the first place? To spice up my time there?

The sun, which is just now popping up from behind the mountain way off in the distance, looks so cool with clouds that make it seem red. It’s like this bright red fiery ball. Due to the clouds we’ve been having, I wonder if the monsoons aren’t making their way in. It’s a bit early, though most of June was typical - hot and dry without a cloud in the sky. I can tell just by the lack of static in my hair that there’s a higher level of humidity than normal.

FRIDAY, JUNE 28, 2002
Today’s Tom’s 45th birthday. I wish he were closer to my age since women are supposed to live longer than men. Maybe the years I smoked will make up for that, but I don’t know. He doesn’t work out. I do. I also eat healthier stuff.

By today the PO will have thrown Carmencita on a shelf and considered her an attempted delivery. That is if they haven’t given her to someone else.

Why can’t I order a doll and get it?!

THURSDAY, JUNE 27, 2002
Two mice died, so now I’m down to just 3.

I was thinking about it, and you know, I really wish the guinea pig had lived after all. Now that I’ve got all the rats living together in the new cage, the old one would be ideal for a GP. I miss the sounds they make. The cage wouldn’t need shelves or even a roof, as long as I elevate the base by putting it on its stand. I’m sure I could get Tom to go for getting another one. Just one, though. Preferably a male, so we’ll know it can’t be pregnant.

I called DBS (Dolls, Bears & Surprises) yesterday, and so far, it looks like we may go with them. They’re closer and cheaper than JBS. Like JBS, they have the same amount of classes per doll - 10 classes, usually completed in 5 weeks. However, their classes are a buck cheaper at $7.50, and it’ll take about $150 to get started, $100 less than JBS. If I need to take a second set of classes and assemble another doll, it won’t cost me as much cuz I’ll already have the supplies. All I’ll need is to pick out another doll, and as I was told, I can choose any doll in the store I want. He says he has something like 480 dolls to choose from.

Tom and I discussed him taking classes too, since they’re cheaper here, and we’ll make totally different dolls so we can learn more at once.

TUESDAY, JUNE 25, 2002
So it took 38 days to get Joy, and she is beautiful! Very realistic looking. More so than Bailey and Jade. Especially the hands. I’ve never ever seen such realistic and detailed-looking hands! With the exception of her eyes, which are kind of squinted and half-shut cuz of her huge smile, she’s better than Bailey and Jade. They fibbed when they said she was 26”, though. She’s more like 24½. I didn’t need to get her a stand. She’s using a stand I had.

Right now she’s on the TV, cuz of her pose. I didn’t realize she was looking downward as well as to the side, so in order to see her face better, it’s best that she be up a little higher. I’ll eventually put her on a shelf by the bed. Then she can look down at me while I read. Or maybe I’ll put her in the office.

Amazingly, I put together an outfit for her in under 20 minutes. I took some old material consisting of large pink and blue splotches, wrapped the material under her arms and around in back, then pinned it. The only sewing I did was the hem. Then I rolled some material and put it across her upper arms where her arms move and you can see down to the armature, wrapping it around the backs of her arms and pinning it. Not bad at all for a fast, sloppy put-together. The colors go great with her coloring and she looks great in an off-the-shoulder outfit. Especially since her chin nearly rests on her shoulder.

She has a different mouth mold. As I read, you can do the mouth differently after you’ve cut out the space for the mouth. In the pictures I saw of her, she had both upper and lower teeth showing, but my Joy only has upper teeth showing. It looks great either way.

I also got shoes and socks for Jade. White, closed-toed sandals and white socks with pink trim. If it weren’t for Jamie I’d have gotten shoes too small. I was gonna get 95 mm shoes, but she really needed 105 mm shoes. They’re a little big on her, but it’s easier to get the shoes on over the socks this way and it makes her feet look bigger and more proportioned. I always thought her feet were too small for her body. Hers and Bailey’s are the same size, yet Bailey is 8” shorter.

The classes are going to cost more than we thought they would, and Tom won’t be able to sit in and watch. Jamie said that’s mainly cuz there’s no room. After adding up the cost of the doll (not a cheap piece of shit) and all the other stuff, like the supplies, it’ll run us around $250, and according to her, I may need to do 3 or 4 dolls with them before I really get the hang of it. She said it takes hours just to clean the greenware. They have about 10 classes, each one 2.5 hours long, and it takes a couple of classes just to clean the greenware. I was surprised to learn this.

She said they recommend starting with Sugar Britches, a sleeping baby, but I don’t know. I need to learn to cut/set eyes.

She also told me that if I wanted to avoid the expense of a kiln, they charge $5 for soft firing and $10 for a long firing. Kilns aren’t as easy to use as a regular oven either. You don’t just stick the stuff in it. It has to be set on special props. That’s this stuff that looks like batting, only it can withstand extreme temperatures.

I’ll have to call Dolls, Bears & Surprises and compare prices. Maybe they start with cheapies like those $40 Seymour Mann dolls. JBS’s classes are only $8.50. It’s the doll and supplies that are costly, but it’s still worth it to me. At least I’m pretty sure it is, though it still seems rather overwhelming to me. It seems there’s so much to learn, but if I can enjoy this and make a little money at it, it’ll be worth the struggle. It’s too bad Tom can’t sit in. I had hoped he could so he could help me with anything I may forget or not understand. But I’m a quick learner with a great memory, so I’ll get by.

Not that I’m having any thoughts about reuniting with Andy, but I wonder - am I a horrible person for abandoning him like I did despite our growing differences? I suppose most people would say that I am and that I wasn’t a true friend any more than Jenny C was when she decided she could be my friend through the thick, but not the thin.

Another thing I wonder is whether or not Teddy Bear’s ignoring me is my punishment for dumping Andy. I don’t know, somehow I think it would’ve happened anyway under that not-meant-to-be rule.

Tom says he doesn’t think I’m a horrible person for doing what I did, and that I simply moved on like most people do.

Yes, I agree with him. When you think about it, how many people are in our lives for 10 or more years? Everybody moves on at some point and no one’s in our lives forever. At least, 99% of the people we meet aren’t. The only one that’ll be in my life forever is Tom. I’m sure I won’t always know Paula or Mary. I’m sure we’ll move on sooner or later.

Later…

I’ve been sleeping really weird lately. Due to the excitement of getting the doll, I slept for 8 hours but had been up 20 hours, so I was tired. Too tired to write, too tired to clean, too tired to work out. I was even too tired to shower, so I crashed for another 8 hours and ended up with 16 hours of sleep in an 18-hour period. This was after my schedule had shifted 14 hours in just 4 days.

Almost 2 hours after we got back with Joy, not that God would have him miss me, the cheeks popped in. Tom had just gone to bed and was too beat himself to hear him knock, which was good. Scot was in and out in a flash.

Good. That gets him out of my hair at home for a month or two. Still, the more I’m home and up when he comes by, the better. Answering the door as quickly as I can is a good thing, too. I wouldn’t want him getting paranoid and getting the wrong idea. I’ve suffered enough on account of others’ paranoia and misunderstanding of me. He’d suffer too, and I’d make sure of it, but I don’t need the hassle. I’ve had enough shit to deal with in my life. I still don’t see why I need to see him 3 times a month over a letter, but there are worse things in life, I suppose.

I’m still pretty sure Teddy Bear decided long before she got my letter that she was going to blow me off. Just the fact that she didn’t call by Christmas made me wonder about that, then when she didn’t call right before the letter, that made me wonder even more. No matter how professional I was, if I really liked someone that much, I’d have found an excuse to call her by Christmas, and if I switched jails, I’d want to let her know just in case the letter didn’t make it to me.

She never could’ve felt an eighth of what I felt for her. Even so, I wish to hell she’d return to Estrella before Mary leaves! I’m so, so curious to hear what she might have to say to Mary as far as why she did what she did, not that we could trust that she’s telling the truth. I could never trust her now. Not with the way she’s stood me up. I’d have to be a real fool to associate with her if she did one day call me.

But I am a fool. And I’m sure I’d jump right to any opportunity to see her, get to know her, get it on with her, etc.

MONDAY, JUNE 24, 2002
Tom left a memo saying he’d be home by 10:00 PM, but now it’s coming up on 1:00. It seems I spend more time waiting for this man to come home than anything else. I don’t see much of him lately. He’s either at work or asleep. He was going to stop at his mother’s, then head on to work from there.

No, I don’t think he’s having an affair, not that I’d care as long as they used protection. You know Tom, though - nothing turns him on and everything turns him off. He’s just not big on sex any more than some of us are big on spicy foods, so no, I don’t think he’s getting it on with anyone.

The reason I wish he’d hurry up and get home is so he can go to sleep. That way, since I’ve been up since 9:30 (I missed my new show), we could go get Joy when the store first opens, and he could be well-rested.

Later…

Tom came in right as I was finishing my last sentence. He went to bed after telling me a funny story about Dave, and we’re still going to get Joy together tomorrow. We’ll leave at 7:45, stop at Circle K for a snack and some coffee, then get to the store when they open at 9:00.

Anyway, Dave received an email from a relative in New York and a picture of his sister Tammy. Dave was like, “You mean my cousin Tammy?” But as it would turn out, his father was whoring around on the side and so he’s got 4 siblings he never knew about.

I guess they thought it was me playing a joke on them at first cuz the sister supposedly sounds just like me. They’ve talked on the phone and sent an email back and forth.

Then Tom had to go and piss me off after I said I’d sic my sister Tammy’s local pigs on her if she called ma’s to get to me. He didn’t actually piss me off, but his attitude really irks me. He was like, “Why would you want to start trouble? You gotta disassociate yourself from people.”

But sometimes people won’t let us disassociate ourselves from them, and he of all people should know this. Not even moving can disassociate us from our enemies at times! I tried yet again to tell him that sometimes you just gotta fight back. We’re in the mess we’re in today because we didn’t. Instead, he just wants to bury his head in the sand, defend the perpetrators right after agreeing that what happened to me wasn’t fair, not fight back, and basically just kid himself about the whole thing. I’ll bet he did the same thing with his family as he did with Paula and made me out to be the villain.

What I wonder about Tom is when is it ever appropriate to fight back? We got taken by contractors for thousands and he let it go, I got thrown in jail and he’s gonna let that go, too. I know he is. He’s not gonna seek future revenge on anyone responsible for what happened to me. He just says that to try and make me feel better, then he says he won’t tell me what he has in mind cuz the less I know, the better off we’ll be. He isn’t gonna do shit to them. He simply isn’t the type. One of us could be paralyzed in a car accident that wasn’t our fault and he still wouldn’t fight back. Probably not even if I were killed. Wouldn’t do him any good anyway. God would only protect my murderer.

On the other hand, what good would it do me to call Tammy’s local pigs? It’s New England, remember? They’ll just tell me what they did when I tried that on Larry out of spite; that they’re so far away, so I shouldn’t worry. Then they might tell me they’ll call them just to get me off their backs, but I know they won’t. That’s just not Arizona where you can call up a pig, tell them so-and-so gave you a dirty look, and watch them go flying after them like a bat out of a hell.

It’s a family thing, I guess, as far as others fucking them over. They hope it doesn’t happen, but when it does they just live with it.

I can sort of understand, though. Meaning that if the freeloaders suddenly decided to call and threaten me, I wouldn’t “fight back.” I wouldn’t bother telling Scot and I certainly wouldn’t run to the pigs about it. What good would it do me and who would believe me anyway? I’m white.

We put the grille back up in the skylight to avoid some of the direct sun/heat.

SATURDAY, JUNE 22, 2002
I was up 20 hours yesterday and slept for 10. Not without waking up several times in between for no reason. Once, I did have to pee, though.

Those freeloaders ran poor Tom ragged yesterday. He came home early from work yesterday, cuz he just couldn’t cut it on a few measly hours of sleep.

After having a dream that Teddy Bear was reconsidering calling me, there was a private hang-up a little while ago. I know it wasn’t her, though. She’d have left a message. It was just God teasing me with a few seconds’ worth of hope.

He’s so, so cruel to have let me fall for this woman on top of being thrown in jail. You know, we rarely get sales calls at this number, but during the two days after I sent the letter, there were a few of them. No doubt something up there wanting to tease me.

I can see, though, how seeing Teddy Bear may’ve only made things harder had we gotten together. I could’ve really ended up being torn between her and Tom, and if I had been dumb enough to choose her, it could’ve ended up ruining my life in all kinds of ways if things didn’t work out in the end.

Why oh why, then, did we ever have to meet? And if we did, why did she have to mean anything more to me than Palma or Pérez ever did?

I guess it’s a gender thing, too. More often than not, guys get too clingy while women blow people off.

I didn’t think to save a copy of my letter to Teddy Bear, so I’ve been trying to remember everything I wrote, asking myself if it could’ve gotten her in trouble. I don’t see how or why it would, but anything’s possible. It’s got to be either someone she met or something I said. What else could it be? Maybe it’s both. If it is something I wrote, then she’s more than likely going to always resent me for it. It’s not like she’d ever get over it, forgive me, then call me up to see how I’ve been, saying she had to deal with some personal problems or that she was just too busy to call right away.

She wouldn’t call if it was someone else either after they broke up or something. I mean, what’s she gonna say? That she couldn’t call right away cuz she had a girlfriend and now that they broke up she’d just love to see me?

Oh, Teddy Bear, Teddy Bear, how do I ever get over you??? How would she feel if she suddenly could know how much I loved her and how much I’m hurting over her? If this is still going on in a few months from now, maybe I’ll have to see Helen, though I don’t want to. We already spent a fortune on the freeloaders and we’re still doing so, so I don’t want to spend a fortune, even if it’s a much smaller one, on Teddy Bear.

I turned to Tom earlier and said, “You said this would happen, my falling in love with a woman. Well, please, please tell me it’ll never happen again!!! Loving you is enough. I don’t need to ever go through this shit again!”

Especially since I know nothing would ever come of it. She’d either play with my head or circumstances would prevent us from ever getting together.

Again, I have no regrets about meeting and marrying Tom, but why was it so important that I be fated to be a man’s woman, never to have the woman of my dreams? I mean, Kacey and Anne Marie came close, though Kacey was much closer. But if I compare Kacey to Teddy Bear, there’s no comparison. Kacey was an all-out settlement compared to her.

I’d have done things differently if I’d known Teddy Bear was going to blow me off. I’d either have not bothered to write, or I’d have written a totally different letter, in case that was it. I’d just be brief and to the point, telling her I was fine, I hoped she was too, and that I had some pet mice for her if she was interested.

Or maybe I’d tell her why I was there and let her know that the only reason we met was that I was Jewish and I complained on the wrong person with the wrong connections, as I said in the letter I’m sending to Mary. Then, while I could never know why she dumped me, she could at least know why I was really there.

Later…

The sun’s about halfway up now. Not a cloud in the sky out there. It feels like it hasn’t rained in ages. It’s been months, and June is the driest month in Arizona. It’s been an unusually dry winter, though. I wonder if the monsoons will be as wimpy as they were last summer, or as fierce as they were the summer before that. That would’ve been the summer of 2000, our first summer here.

I think I’ll look into getting a coffee bean grinder. Fresh-ground coffee is supposed to taste much better.

Tom said he might streak his hair after he bleaches it, then shave it off. He changed his mind, though, saying he has too many ugly moles to shave his hair. This was nice to hear cuz bald is ugly if you ask me. I hate that bald look.

I had Tom take off my shower brush and put my old shower massager back on. There’s just not enough water pressure out here to make the brush spin fast enough. In order to put enough pressure on the brush with my hand to scrub myself better, I’d have to stop the brush’s rotation. I also missed the small sharp, steady stream my old one puts out, leaving me room to step back out of the water in order to lather my hair. The other one sprayed too wide and I didn’t have any room to lather up in.

Tom and I were talking about different things, things we both agreed on, believe it or not. Here’s a classic example of how God lets some people get away with murder. Literally. From 1968-1970, a serial killer was on the loose in the southwest. He was known as the zodiac killer. Well, serial killers can’t stop, but this one did. He wrote tons of letters to the press and police, too. We think that the reason a serial killer suddenly “stops” is cuz he dies or is incarcerated for something else. He could’ve gotten caught, tried and convicted of arson or robbery or something.

We also agree that the end of the world, which probably won’t be in our time, won’t be caused by natural disasters or diseases. It’ll be either war or technology that’ll kill all the people. Right now we have bombs that can only kill thousands. Well, as soon as we get bombs that can kill millions, the world will be doomed if everybody doesn’t go bombing and shooting everybody up at once. People are crazy like that. There are tons of people who’d gladly kill themselves and take as much of the world along with them as possible.

FRIDAY, JUNE 21, 2002
Sure enough, the birds and the prairie dogs are happily sifting through the rat’s bedding that I just dumped out in the wash.

Tom was right. No mention of the classes. Mr. Serious himself was a bit looser today. A bit more talkative. Last time, it was like he was either in a bad mood, not feeling well, or tired. First we were held up by some mouthy dude who might as well have been coming to chat with an old buddy rather than his PO. This guy swore more than I do, too. When it was finally my turn to give him my form, he asked what was up and we told him about the car AC that crapped out on us.

See? Right on schedule. Can’t go more than 3-4 months without something expensive breaking. It’s a good thing Tom had that $500 from the stock money away to cover it. He better replace it too, as soon as he can so that we’re covered for the next thing that’ll break around September.

I mentioned looking forward to picking up Joy on Monday and getting class info.

When he asked if there were any changes, I said, “No. Well, actually, there is a change. You just haven’t noticed.”

Tom giggled at that point, then he noticed my hair and I said, “Yeah, I did a half-assed job, but I tried.”

Wait till he sees us both as bleached blondes!

Anyway, I was fucking sweating my ass off on the drive in and I thought the mister I brought along with me was broken. As Tom discovered right when we got there, the rubber ring had slipped to the side and just needed to be straightened out. That mister’s a real lifesaver, though. My heart was pounding just like it always does when I get overheated.

Anyway, he’s talking about either renting an air pump or borrowing one from work to convert the fucking thing so he can recharge it himself.

The weekend, which always seems to go too fast as long as the freeloaders are still in our lives, is going to go awfully slow this time around. That’s cuz we’ll be getting Joy Monday and I can’t wait! I think Tom’s gonna have to get her himself what with the way my schedule is now. Tomorrow, for the first time in over a month, I’m not setting the alarm!

The freeloaders wouldn’t let poor Tom sleep today. He didn’t get to bed till 10:00, then I woke him up at 1:00. If I’d known he didn’t get to sleep till that late, I wouldn’t have gotten him up till 3:00.

Anyway, at first I thought Tom couldn’t pick shoes out for Jade by himself, but it really wouldn’t be so hard for him. All he has to do is choose either a pair of plain white sneakers or sandals of some kind. If the shoes aren’t suitable for her, I’ll just use them on someone else.

Speaking of Jade, now that I’m getting to learn more about dolls, I made a discovery that both Tom and I laughed at. That 25” green-eyed Jade doll I like is my exact same Jade doll. They make her molds in either 25” or 32” like mine is, just like you can get Joy at either 19” or 26” like I’m getting.

They also have series depicting the same doll at different ages. There are a few dolls, Bailey being one of them, that have 3 different versions. There’s baby Bailey at 20”, then there’s my toddler Bailey at 24”, and sweet sixteen Bailey at 29”. I like the “Shay” series and I hope to have it someday.

Sometimes I can’t even decipher my own notes. A couple of lines down from where I’m actually typing, I like to list notes of the topics I wish to write about. Well, I’ve got the word slow written and I can’t figure out what the hell I meant by that. I’m like, what’s slow?

We both totally, totally mean it this time - we will never ever, ever go into another Dairy Queen as long as we live! Aaarrrggghhh! Those stupid, stupid Mexicans! I’m so sick of them and their stupidity and living in Little Mexico like this. Naturally, Tom insists it has nothing to do with people’s nationality, but I’m sorry, the bulk of them are either evil or downright dumb and illiterate.

We go in there and one of the two gigantic young and dumb Mexicans gives me the burger and fries I ask for in a reasonable amount of time. Shortly afterward comes my blizzard which is filled so full that ice cream’s slopping over its edges. The Mexie was too stupid to understand when I asked her to put the cup in its cover instead of trying to cover the top of the fucking thing and make even more of a mess. I don’t know if she had a problem with English or if she was just stupid, but I’m sure it was a combination of both. Meanwhile, Tom’s waiting and waiting for his own blizzard till he finally gets fed up and says, “Hey, look. He’s getting the same thing I ordered and you’ve served 5 others after I ordered.”

So the Mexie runs and makes him his blizzard, then he goes, “And then they don’t even fill it up.” And they didn’t. He got a large and I got a small, but between them not filling his and them overfilling mine, we ended up with the same amount.

I’m so sick of these stupid Mexicans, though. Sick of them! If they’d just get at least a high school diploma, instead of dropping out in 8th grade to join gangs, get high and spit out kids as fast as popcorn popping, maybe they wouldn’t be so fucking dumb. And goddamnit! This is America. We speak English here. I’m all for learning other languages, but if we’re gonna be dumb enough ourselves to let them keep pouring into this country, shouldn’t they at least have the decency to learn our fucking language if we’re gonna be forced to live together?!

I tacked a flag up to cover the skylight. It looks kind of cool with the light shining through the iris flag I chose, but we really could use a shade for it. It doesn’t cover it all, either. The skylight’s a few inches longer. Not as wide, though, so I folded it a bit.

I can’t pull any jokes on Tom to save my life, though as he admitted, it was a good try. It’s mostly because he knows I’m a little prankster and a joker. I tried to tell him that Lizzie Borden, who was accused and acquitted of axing her father and stepmother in Fall River, MA in 1892, was my great, great grandmother.

In truth, I don’t know when any of my grandparents were born, let alone when their parents were born. I don’t even know their names.

Tom knew that Lizzie Borden never had kids, and told me that if I had said she was a great, great aunt, then he may’ve bought the story.

THURSDAY, JUNE 20, 2002
No pre-reporting visit from the cheeks. I asked Tom if he thinks he’ll mention the classes tomorrow. He says no. Let’s hope he doesn’t! Like I said, one of these days I’m gonna surprise myself and do what I want in life. Not what others or fate tell me to do.

Got two letters from Mary. She wrote one last Saturday, then another on Sunday. Both were postmarked Monday the 17th, the day we were out (ain’t it funny how only Paula can’t seem to get mail to me?).

She agreed to take me up on my card-making offer, so as she requested, I chose a floral design (a bushel of roses on the front) and then printed what she wanted to say on the front cover, then on both the inside covers.

An address label company sent me several labels of various designs, so she’ll be seeing those. Paula will get a couple of them at some point, too.

You know, she really is by far the best pen pal I ever had. I thanked her so very much for writing as often as she does. She’s also making sure to answer my questions so I don’t go thinking she didn’t get the letter. I’m glad I have her for a friend and that I didn’t walk away like I considered doing.

She says she’s getting along better with Dope, as we call her, saying that at times she gets on Mary’s nerves for ignoring her, as she puts it. She’s standing firm against spending any more money on her. She didn’t show her what I wrote about her, so she doesn’t have to deal with her reaction. Yes, I know good and well that’s not something Dope could handle well. It’s ok, I told her, I was just venting on her behalf. Maybe she’ll want to give it to her in the future, like right before she leaves if she leaves first.

I’ll bet she must really wish we were cellies again now! No thanks, though. I’d rather be Tom’s celly here.

She said she was crushed to read that she abused her kids in the article I sent her from the net. I told her that I know she didn’t abuse her kids and so does she, and not to let the ways of the media get to her. It’s their job to make up lies and make people look bad. It should be illegal to slander people the way they do, but unfortunately, if you’re part of the media, you can say anything you want about anybody. They could’ve said I killed a dozen people and there wouldn’t have been anything I could’ve done about it. As Misery said, “The media’s never your friend.”

Nonetheless, I’m sorry the bullshit article upset her. I considered not sending it but then decided that since she did ask for whatever I could find, I’d send it, cuz she and I both know the truth. As an abused child myself, it’s all the easier for me to sense an abuser. They should’ve printed that she “pled guilty to neglect,” and not that she “pled guilty to abuse,” but see? That’s the media; always twisting things around.

As for this parole thing, I’m not sure what she’s talking about. She said something about being bummed out about them taking away 85% of the parole. I don’t understand that part of the law too well, nor can I even begin to guess how many years she’ll do, as I told her. I asked Tom if like me, and like most cases, if her plea bargaining was a mistake. He agrees with her, though, and says that if it’ll help put Monster in his place, then no it wasn’t. I told her that although I can’t say how many years she’ll get, be prepared and don’t be surprised if she gets many years of probation at some point. I reminded her that the system’s not about “justice” 99% of the time. It’s about power, control and money. The more people they can get and keep on probation, and for as long as possible, the more money they make. I asked Tom if he thought they’d have her on probation for life, and he says he doubts it cuz that’s usually for those convicted of sex crimes. It also depends on the state you’re in, too. I’m sure I don’t have to remind her of how different Arizona is compared to Massachusetts, though I did fill her in on Paula’s latest case.

Another thing I’ve learned, and which I told her about, is that no, honesty is not always the best policy, and no, cooperation doesn’t always help us. In other words, she can hope her good behavior helps, but I wouldn’t count on it. It’s going to depend on who’s got the leverage, what they think of her, etc. There are a lot of factors involved, and of course, life isn’t fair most of the time. Some may feel my way of thinking is negative, but to me, after all I’ve seen, heard and been through, I think it’s realistic, depressing or not. I just don’t think we should kid ourselves, is all. It’s best to hope for the best but to expect the worst. That way, one won’t get so disappointed in the end if things don’t go well.

I sent her the pictures of my hair dyed ruby red and told her that Tom suggested we bleach our hair in a month or two.

I asked her why she was on the bottom bunk this time. I know she always used to be up top whenever she could so she wouldn’t have to worry as much about getting moved. Maybe Dope was on top first. I hated the lower bunk in that cell cuz of the light right outside the door, but I also didn’t want my head by the desk right where the person above me would be climbing up and down.

She says the only DOs there that I knew are Misery and Pérez, and of course, she hasn’t seen Pérez. She says Misery’s the same old Misery, making her take shit off the walls. Then, just like with me, she shocked Mary by being nice and not bothering her with shit like that.

Boy, they really move those DOs around just like the inmates! Tom says they do it so they can’t have time to set up drug deals and other illegal activities.

I asked her if she’s ever had a crush on a DO, and if she had to do it with one of them, who would it be? Make it someone I knew too, I told her, so I can know who she was talking about. It’ll be interesting to see if it’s who I think it is (Teddy Bear). I also asked her if she’s ever been attracted to another inmate.

She liked the dolls, agreeing that Bailey’s the best. She liked Chris’s wings and Ciara’s gown.

She said she’d tell me more about James’s case sometime. That’d be nice. Also, knowing more of the details pertaining to both James and Gretchen might help us guess a little better as to what the outcome may be.

I wish Pérez would get back there so she can see if she got my letter or not.

Even more so, I wish Teddy Bear would get back there. She’s my only hope of finding out why she blew me off, but with my shit luck, she won’t return till after she’s gone. Also, there’s a chance Teddy Bear may not discuss it with her. Or maybe she’ll lie about it. If the real reason was cuz she’s seeing someone, she may just tell her that she simply decided it’d be best not to see each other.

If only she knew just how much I loved her and just how much she hurt me! I wonder how she’d feel about it. Probably not much. After all, I’m sure I’ve been the farthest thing from her mind since I left. I’m sure she rarely thinks of me.

I get by okay most of the time, but sometimes I still hurt pretty bad over her dumping me the way she did. Not just that, of course, but the not even calling to say thanks, but no thanks. Not even a simple little explanation. Nothing. It’s like she never existed and I never existed for her.

For a while there, I considered writing Helen a letter, explaining that I know I’m not her patient anymore, but could she give me advice on how to deal with this better and maybe get over her faster? I was going to tell her that it’s not like I’m not functioning or like I’m sitting around bawling my eyes out for hours at a time, it’s just that she’s always on my mind. I go to read and I’m suddenly distracted by a memory of her, then I refocus and begin to read more, till the thought of us getting it on distracts me once again.

After all, Helen has helped me in the past, like with understanding other possibilities concerning Tom’s dry dick, and in dealing with my anger over the freeloaders, not that they still don’t infuriate me cuz they do. I’m sure anyone else would feel this way too, if they were in my shoes. I’ll never be “okay” with what they’ve done to me.

Anyway, when I asked Tom’s opinion about it, he said it’d be rude to ask for free advice from her just because she’s a nice person, and after thinking about it, I see that he’s right. He said if I wanted to make an appointment, that’d be ok, but no thanks. I’m not that hard up for help. Besides, hasn’t enough money been spent on the freeloaders? I don’t need to start losing money over Teddy Bear, too.

I guess this is just one of those cases where time heals all wounds, but when? When??? In a few months? A few years? Never? When is she going to just go away? Just fade away and become an old memory that doesn’t surface much more often than Norah M from the Harley Hotel (the bitchy English supervisor I had a crush on)? She too, played with my head, saying she’d come visit me. Then, after I asked her about it, she was like, “No, I’m your supervisor and I’m scared of Springfield.”

She really couldn’t have told me this up front?

Anyway, I’m never going to get the closure that’d help me deal with this, which would be a phone call or a letter from Teddy Bear explaining why she did what she did, so I’ll just have to deal with it. Just have to wait it out and hope for the best.

Later…

Although I highly doubt Teddy Bear will return to Estrella while Mary’s still there, anything’s possible, so I decided that rather than have Mary tell her how I feel, I’ll do it myself. I’m going to type her a letter, then send it to Mary to give to her if God forbid she ever does see her.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 19, 2002
Yesterday, Jamie called from JBS while I was online, telling me to call her. I didn’t get the message until after the store closed. I called her when I got up at 10:00 today and she said she wanted to know whether or not to ship her to our PO Box or if we were going to come get her. I told her we’d come and get her. She’ll be in on Monday, she said, so we’ll either pick her up in the morning when they first open or the late afternoon.

Judging by what she said, we’re beginning to think Chari’s molds aren’t available and that she was mass-produced. Our timing really sucks, though, cuz Chari’s on sale now for $120. Then, as soon as she changes the tags, Chari will go back to the usual $209 and they’re gonna have a buy-one-get-one-free deal as long as the doll is of equal or lesser value. Damn! If we’d only waited a little while longer to order Joy.

Later…

I did some homework of my own and managed to find a site that sells Chari’s SFGW (soft-fired greenware) which is what we want to start with. But how would I find her black dress? If I can find her dress, then maybe I won’t get her from JBS, after all. Besides, we can’t come up with $120-$209 by Monday.

TUESDAY, JUNE 18, 2002
No Scot, no Joy. Tom thinks she’ll be in next week and I think something’s wrong. If she is, I won’t be able to get her with Tom cuz I’ll be on nights.

the cheeks will probably see me Thursday, if not, then who knows when? Maybe he’ll start coming around less now that I’m over the halfway marker. I wonder if he’ll come twice next January like he did last January, though common sense ought to tell him that if I’ve been dumb enough to be suckered into sticking this shit out this long, then there’s a damn good chance I’ll stick with it to the finish line. The finish line that I hope exists, I should say.

Something woke me up at 6:45 this morning, though I went back to sleep. I don’t know what it was. It was a thump of some kind. Actually, it sounded like a door closing somewhere, but Tom didn’t even get in till noon. I was too tired to get up and check it out.

I tell you, I’ve been woken up here more than in the Phoenix house. Sometimes I wonder if I shouldn’t go back to sleeping with the fan on high. As Tom said, though, here it’s easier to go back to sleep. Yeah, but still, why do I feel like I’m being punished for living in a house I’m not supposed to be living in?

And is it really a wise idea for me to delve into this dollmaking thing? If I really am cursed in that department, I’d have an awfully hard time trying to work in a business that already seems quite complicated enough. I don’t know, I still think it’s easier not to bother, as much as I want to. If I don’t bother to try, then I can’t be disappointed over failing, can I? And I still can’t imagine being able to suddenly do what I want with my time in that sort of way.

I should’ve applied the same rule to Teddy Bear, followed my head and not my heart, told myself she wasn’t meant to be and that I’d never see her on the outs anyway, so just forget it and don’t even bother with her.

I can’t believe how many dreams I’ve had pertaining to this woman! When that thump woke me up I had been dreaming of her. This time around we had a kid together somehow, and she was on a phone somewhere, telling someone I had the baby.

MONDAY, JUNE 17, 2002
Right on with the breakage bullshit. The AC crapped out on us today, though sometimes it was kind of working. Better that than our water or power.

Red Lobster was out of lobster so I settled on a broiled combo platter of shrimp scampi, scrod, scallops and crab cakes. It was rather overpriced for such skimpy portions, but filling enough when combined with the baked potato, the salad and the biscuits.

Tom got a cheeseburger with fries.

Some little kid screamed its lungs out for a while there, too. I don’t know why in the world parents bring their kids to restaurants before they’re at least 5 years old.

We looked online some more at kilns. We may be able to get a decent one for about $300, rather than $600-$800.

I still want that bike too, but I don’t know. He’d never use it and I know it wouldn’t make a damn bit of difference in my looks. I could exercise 8 hours a day, but as long as I’m not willing to continually cut my calories day after day after day, I’ll never be thin. It takes constant starvation, during and after you’ve arrived at your goal weight. Why lose weight I’ll only gain back? Even if I could snap my fingers and be 100-110, I’d only be back in the 120s in a few weeks.

I’ll never allow myself to eat just anytime I want to, though. I’d never stop gaining if I did.

After Red Lobster, we went to a bookstore in search of dollmaking stuff. We found a magazine called Doll Crafter and may subscribe to that and others. It also lists places that sell supplies in each state. Both Dolls, Bears & Surprises and JBS Dolls were listed.

I’m seriously beginning to think something’s wrong with Joy. Tom says he hopes there is so we can get a discount.

But how am I gonna make dolls if I’m so cursed with them?

Anyway, Tom got himself a computer book, then we hit Walgreens for hair dye. I was going to go dark brown but decided on ruby twilight once Tom pointed out how cool-looking the color was which I totally agreed upon. I didn’t do so good a job, though. Amazingly enough, one box was enough for all this hair, but I didn’t cover it too evenly. It still looks cool this way and more natural. The red is brighter and more vivid on my scalp than on the other parts, but it’s still a nice change. A nice dark, yet intense red. Nothing like Teddy Bear’s was.

Guess you wouldn’t find me so attractive now, would you, Teddy Bear?

Maybe she never really did in the first place.

Anyway, it was $4 and there was a 50¢ coupon enclosed for if I want to get more sometime. I printed out some pictures I took of it for Mary and Paula. Believe it or not, my face doesn’t look as big as I thought it would, but I’m no skinny-mini. You can see those hips of mine just fine. I’m pearing out and losing my hourglass shape. Where did these hips and tits come from, I wonder? They took nearly 30 years to show up.

So, Tom and I grabbed some drinks, and before we sweated on back home, Tom shocked the shit out of me by suggesting we both bleach our hair blond and then surprise Mom, Mary and Dave with it! Now that would be a sight to see. I never thought Tom would ever dye his hair. He looks good with the gray. You know how it is - gray hair makes a man distinguished-looking while it makes a woman look older. But I never thought he’d care to dye his hair. I always figured I’d look just as shitty as a blond as I did with it black, but we’ll see. If we end up hating it that much, we can always dye over it, but if I go blond, then I could streak colors in my hair. I’d probably use the violet in contrast to the blond in that case.

If Scot comes this week - let me guess - it’ll be Thursday. Yeah, that’s another popular day for him. It’s like he wants to get an idea if he’ll be seeing me the next day or not.

I’m only holding my schedule till Friday, whether or not Joy comes. If I can’t be there to get her, then I can’t. Meanwhile, Tom can ask the questions and Jade’s shoes can wait.

SUNDAY, JUNE 16, 2002
So, Scot, you gonna come wake me up this week? Well, you’re not coming tomorrow afternoon. That much I do know. That’s when we’ll be out. We decided to go to Red Lobster, then to a new bookstore to see what dollmaking books or magazines they may have.

I dreamt of Teddy Bear last night. I still hurt over her blowing me off. Not to the point where I’m shedding tears, but I wish I didn’t have to think of her every day. I’d ask God for help, but I know better. He wants me to think about her and hurt over her. My pain is his pleasure.

I ask myself “what if” questions a lot. Like, would I want to continue living if Tom died if I had all the money in the world? Definitely not, but if I did, would I seek out women? Definitely not. I would know better. Women were never meant to be unless they were settlements, or short-term if they weren’t. I was meant to be a man’s woman, but this doesn’t mean I’d go seeking out men, either. I would stay by myself.

Some people believe we meet the spirits of those we knew in life after we die, which is something I always dreaded since I don’t care to reunite with 99% of those I’ve known. However, the idea’s a bit more appealing if it’d reunite me with Teddy Bear so I could ask her what happened.

Maybe this is more my fault than hers. Maybe if I hadn’t been dumb enough to believe she was really attracted to me and wanted to get together with me, I wouldn’t be hurt like this.

I’m gonna be checking out a new series based on the 1984 movie The Dead Zone about a guy who wakes up from a 6-year coma with second sight.

I finally learned who made Bailey. The name Laura Palt was painted on the back of her neck, but that’s just the person who fired, painted and assembled her for sale such as I want to do. I was looking at a picture of a Donna Rupert doll named Bailey that was done up in an Indian slip. Although she had dark hair and eyes, I studied the picture and noted that the pouty expression was the same and so were the hands and the facial shape and features. She was also a 24”. I asked Tom his opinion and he agreed it was Bailey, too. I couldn’t tell if it was a sitting or standing doll, but that wouldn’t matter. Any legs could be assembled. Anyway, it’s nice to learn that your favorite doll was created by your favorite artist. I just may get her molds too, and give her a dark versioned twin sister.

SATURDAY, JUNE 15, 2002
Now that’s a writer who learned her lesson the hard way. The woman who founded American Atheists had a magazine in which she used to slander someone she fired. It got her shot and killed, so maybe this will make some people think first.

I know I could never be a writer. Not the kind that writes about people in papers and magazines. Too many sensitives out there. Besides, slandering people would be required of me. That’s what the media is all about - bashing people they don’t even know to entice the public. Well, to me, it wouldn’t be worth the risk of pissing off the wrong person and getting killed.

I’ve got to wonder, didn’t the person who decided they knew me well enough to write a whole big article on me consider this possibility? Do they ever consider it?

Tom will be home in an hour or two and then we’ll order the dolls and get the chase on. As for Joy - fuck it. I’m either there to get her or I’m not cuz I’m letting my schedule go in a day or two. If I’d known she was going to be this late, I wouldn’t have held my schedule back in the first place.

We may switch to AOL cuz they’re having a deal that could save us $100 over the next year. I also want a new screen name. From now on, I’m only Dawn to Mary, who’s Moon to me. That’s her nickname. I think I’ll be ratlady1204.

Tom explained to me what he meant when he said he just wanted to see that I got help at the sentencing hearing, but it makes no sense to me. He said that as a last-minute thing, he thought his reminding the judge about Helen and my willingness to see Helen might save me from jail time, but as soon as it was our turn to talk, I knew that the judge decided long before we even stepped in that courtroom to throw the book at me, so to speak. I don’t know how Tom thought that kissing up to the judge would suddenly change his mind. Even if the black bitch herself had come out and said, “You know, this really isn’t fair. After all, me and my associates are the ones that started this shit, and in a sense, we asked for anything we got from her. We harassed her and her husband, we lied, we exaggerated the truth, and besides, she doesn’t deserve punishment for anything she’s done anyway,” the judge still would’ve had it in for me. Once the people on the opposing side have made up their minds about you, that’s the way it stays, no matter what new evidence may be brought forth later on.

As I learned…No, honesty is not always the best policy. No, the truth does not always set us free. No, being cooperative (seeking Helen’s help) does not always help us. It all comes down to who has the power and the control, and what they want done.

I hope by now Mary’s learned a few lessons of her own; that sometimes you have to put your foot down, and to hell with it if people call you a bitch or stingy or confrontational.

Other than that, we’re just going to relax for our 8th anniversary and go out to a buffet on Monday.

I’m sure the cheeks will wake me up next week.

It’s only been an hour since I ate and I’m already starving. I want to wait two more hours, though. I’m spacing the 5 times I eat with 3-hour intervals. I had nearly 3000 calories yesterday, so I gained back one of the 4 pounds I lost. The plan is to diet over the weekend, then on Tuesday, I’ll decide whether or not I want to keep going with it. I doubt I will, though. I’ll probably just eat my way up to 125, then cut my calories till I get back down to 120. Then repeat the whole process.

Later…

Tom got in around noon, ate his lunch, then we ordered the dolls. We went to do it online but weren’t sure about ordering the dolls at the same time we ordered the membership. We felt it best to talk to someone so we could specify what coupons we wanted to use on what dolls. So, because Tom has a hard time understanding Chinese accents, I called and placed the order. Both Carmencita and Murganah will be $30 instead of $40 since we bought the $20 membership package which is good for a year. The Fairy of Cork will be the full price of $25. I don’t need to use the two free shipping coupons cuz I automatically get free shipping as it is for ordering over $99 worth of stuff. It totals $105 altogether. As Tom said, though, we can use the coupons on cheaper dolls.

I was surprised when she told me Murganah and the Fairy of Cork were out of stock. I really thought that if anyone was out of stock, it’d be Carmencita. So we’ll have to have them put a trace on Carmencita in a month, and Murganah and the Fairy of Cork will arrive late, but without any problems.

So, overall my life is good, even though the freeloaders are in it and Teddy Bear’s not.

FRIDAY, JUNE 14, 2002
Another pound down. I’m taking a break today, which should cause me to gain two pounds back, but I’ll be dieting again over the weekend. Then Monday we’ll be going out to eat, so I won’t resume dieting yet again, if I decide to continue with it, that is, till Tuesday.

I was browsing through the more humorous wallpapers last night when I came across one that would’ve been perfect for the freeloaders. It showed a hand holding a gun and said: Warning! I don’t dial 911. When I commented to Tom about it, instead of having any kind of a sense of humor about it, he said, “Yeah, that’s how all this trouble got started.”

When I asked what he meant, he said, “If you hadn’t thought that way in the first place, all this trouble wouldn’t have happened.”

Yeah, I know. It’s all my fault. Everything’s always my fault. Of course, it’s just as easy for me to say that if he had let me handle the bitch my way to begin with, we wouldn’t be in this mess. Nor would we if he’d listened to me when I told him something was very wrong with Paul, paid off Sharon, and stayed away from the courthouse.

I know Tom blames me way more than he blames them, besides the fact that it’s in Tom’s nature to blame me when I’m mad at or having a problem with someone. I don’t think it’s right and I believe he should stand by his wife, but this is just the way he’s always been. If I start bitching about Jane Doe or Joe Shmoe, he’ll start bitching at me for bitching at them, implying either directly or indirectly that I have no grounds to be pissed at them, and perhaps I asked for trouble somehow.

Believe me, I know it’s my fault even though it isn’t. Meaning, I’m not responsible for the freeloader’s actions. I didn’t make them harass us the way they did, nor did I do anything to them to deserve it, other than to ask them to lower their music. If that’s provocation in the freeloader’s eyes, then that just goes to prove how warped they truly are, though they picked on us before we asked them to quiet down and would’ve done so if we never said a word to them as well. They were in their own little world, oblivious to those around them unless they were putting thought into badgering me, like by chaining the dog to the jeep in the carport, so it could be as close as possible to our house.

I kick and blame myself all the time for how I handled the freeloaders, the pigs, Paul - the whole damn thing. However, nothing I did/said/wrote warrants being locked up and placed on probation. I didn’t ask for the shit these freeloaders gave me. I never deserved the shit they gave me directly in Phoenix, and I never deserved the shit they’ve given me through the Jew-hating pig and our minority-pampering system after leaving Phoenix, either. Regardless of guilt or innocence, anyone can say/write that they’re gonna kill someone. Anyone can. 95% of the time it’s just talk. Meanwhile, if we were to lock up everybody who made a threat at one point or another during their lives, 95% of the population would be locked up.

Although I wanted to rip the shit out of Nancy, and although I knew I couldn’t stand to be her celly one moment longer, I knew she was full of it when she threatened me. She knew I’d have Chavez pull me and that’s exactly what she wanted at first so she could be alone till she got bored being all by herself.

I’m not saying no one acts on their threats, but 9 out of 10 times, those who are serious act if they’re going to act, they don’t make threats. Most threats are either said in moments of anger or simply meant to intimidate people or to get them off their backs.

Nothing bothers me more than when Tom said, “I just want to see that she gets help” at the sentencing. I mean, what kind of a defense is that? Doesn’t he realize how guilty that made me seem? He even had Paula believing I picked on the cunt for no good reason at all and told her I’d probably do it again.

Yes, he’s stuck by me through all this shit, but just how much is he really on my side?

The wallpaper site I’ve been into lately, lets you send their pictures as e-cards, the equivalent of postcards. I’ve sent pink flowers to Tom for our anniversary tomorrow, and then a couple of rabbits on a skateboard for his birthday.

It’s been 28 days since we ordered Joy. Something’s wrong. How the fuck am I gonna be a dollmaker if I’m always going to have to chase down the dolls?! I’m sure God will have me fighting for greenware just as much as he does assembled dolls. Still, we’re ordering those dolls from Paradise Galleries tomorrow. I’ll make sure he hangs onto the order number so that we can have them put a trace on whatever dolls I don’t get in 30 days from tomorrow.

In other news, I made the comment to Tom that I’d probably never have sex again in my life, meaning that no one seems to be serious when they claim to be attracted to me and want me.

Then he said, “I know, you told me.”

I was like, “No I didn’t. What do you mean, I told you?”

Then he goes on to say that I told him I wouldn’t do it with him, and I’m like - what I crock! I never said that. What I said was that I could live without it, since it was nothing new and exciting. Besides, he’s a bore in bed. I didn’t need to tell him this, though. But it’s nothing personal against him. These days nothing could turn me on but a woman I was attracted to going down on me and that’s never going to happen.

It’s all bullshit, though. Just bullshit. Why can’t he admit that we both have no interest in getting it on together? Like I said, if it isn’t gonna be the bear going down on me here and there, I’d rather be celibate. I can’t get it on with just any woman, so I guess this means God wants me to be faithful, even though he cursed the sex life we used to have, even if it was a joke of one. Despite the fact that I no longer desire sex or a kid, I still feel just as picked on by getting a man who only gets hard as I do blessed by him sending me someone with Tom’s personality.

I just don’t get God. It’s like he has a weak moment where he’s suddenly in this wonderful mood and he blesses me with something good, but most of the time he just wants to hurt me. He lives for seeing me hurt. How totally cruel of him, after allowing me to be thrown in jail when I never should’ve been there in the first place, to finally, after all these years, meet and fall in love with a woman I’m attracted to, who was attracted to me back, or so she said, only to put the joke on me in the end. I’m sure he was up there laughing his ass off every time I’d sit and think in excited anticipation of seeing her again on the outs.

Is he up there laughing down at me right now? Is he saying to himself, so, she thinks she’s gonna be a dollmaker, huh? Well, I guess I’ll just have to remind her who’s in charge of her life, and it ain’t her!

Later…

Earlier I had said to myself and to Tom, “It’s only dolls, so why would God stop me from making them?”

Just because he can. Foolish or not, I’m not giving up, though it doesn’t matter that it’s only dolls. It doesn’t matter if it’s something as farfetched as jumping to the moon, or as natural as having a baby. If it’s what I want, it’s probably out of the question. He can stop me by having people fuck up on me like they do when I try to get assembled dolls. He can stop me from selling any by simply making sure no one buys any. With God as my enemy and a force that’s a million times more powerful than anyone in this world, I don’t stand a chance if he stands against me.

I know God views, judges and treats us all differently. Some of us he hates, some of us he likes, some of us he loves. I think the only way he’d truly love me would be if I did everything I didn’t want to do. If I ate things I didn’t like, wore clothes I didn’t like, and did things I didn’t like. But whenever I can help it and get some say in the matter, it’s not going to happen.

I don’t have to sit and guess or wonder if he’d have the courts punish anyone who beat, raped or killed me. I know the answer to that. He wouldn’t just let them get away with it, he’d reward them with all kinds of wonderful things in life. If a person with an average life harmed me like that, all of a sudden they’d be winning the lottery, getting the job promotions, getting lucky in love and they’d have virtually no health problems. They would have the willpower to quit smoking or lose weight if they wanted to.

THURSDAY, JUNE 13, 2002
Just got done changing both the mice and rat cages.

I’m down two more pounds, so I’m 122.

Got up an hour and a half later than planned, at 9:30. So I got 9½ hours of sleep, although I could’ve used the usual 10-11.

I’m beginning to wonder if JBS fouled up our order. After all, it’s a doll for me, so why not? If we were ordering anything else, like a mural, then there’d be no problem. They were pretty speedy with Jade’s kit, though, so we’ll see. The deadline is Tom’s birthday.

I had a series of weird dreams, but the only one I remember is a bad one pertaining to Paula. I was at her apartment when two cops came to arrest her. The male pig told her she was in the biggest amount of trouble she’d ever been in as he cuffed her, then led her to a cruiser with a scrawny blond female cop following with her gun drawn. I asked the male pig if he needed me to stick around and he told me he didn’t.

So where are you, Scot? You like to visit me on the 13th (3 X’s on the 13th). Maybe he’ll skip June altogether or come next week right before I see him. He also likes to see me before I see him.

Of course, I still have this class bullshit hanging over my head, since he didn’t say they were omitting it. Even if they did, they’d just pick on me with something else. Watch, with my shit luck, they’ll try to extend my probation, saying I didn’t do it so it still needs to be done. Well, I can guarantee them one thing for sure and that’s that that’ll never happen. Come October 30th of 2003, if I ever hear from any law enforcement person(s) ever again pertaining to this sick black bitch, I’ll sue the shit out of this state so damn fast, Maricopa County will be left in a daze for decades.

Why the fuck do they even have such a thing as “freedom of speech” if we can’t exercise this so-called right in the first place? Well, I’m sorry, Arizona, but I have a right to say what I want to and to dislike any person or group of persons I want to, goddamnit! When I lay a hand on someone and it isn’t in self-defense, then they can bitch about it.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 12, 2002
I’m hungry but down a pound.

Got a letter from Mary today. This time around her request was to print and send her any articles about Monster’s being crazy. Despite the nature of the crime, all I could find was one little paragraph outlining the highlights of the case. I sent it to her.

She said something about making hair locks out of her shedded hair and asked if I wanted her to send me one. I’m not sure I know what she means by making hairlocks, but sure, send me what you want, I told her.

Teddy Bear’s a hopeless, lost cause in my life that’s now a closed chapter, but I thanked her for asking around.

Oh, and I wouldn’t necessarily believe everything you read in the Bible, I told her, pertaining to how she quoted the Bible’s saying “The truth will set you free.”

The truth will set you free? Yeah, right! I suppose that’s why I was there. It just doesn’t always work that way. At least, not for me it hasn’t.

She says now the captain says she can’t release any of her money. What happened to their release of property thing? As I agreed with her, it is unfair that she can’t release her own money. Just one more stupid, arbitrary rule to control people with, huh? I guess it works out for the better, though, since Tom couldn’t get the money anyway.

Then what she had to say next got me pissed. It’s about Hope, who’s been a regular little user and has turned against Mary for finally putting her foot down. I told her I didn’t care if she showed Hope what I had to say about her.

She said she’s been taking care of Hope financially all these months and that she worries about telling Todd and her uncle, who’s dying of cancer, cuz she doesn’t want them all pissed off and worried.

I was shocked that she could let someone use her like that, but more so I was downright pissed. Damn that little greedy, rude, selfish, spoiled, immature, vindictive wimpy bitch! And her family too, for telling Hope over the phone that Mary should share her stuff with her. And just why should she? Since when is Hope K her daughter and her responsibility? To what does she owe her the honor of being her slave? It’s a good thing I’m not there! And I don’t care if the little fuck reads my opinion of her, but God help her if she gets my address and writes me cuz that’ll be an immediate page 2 for her if she does. Yes, I’ll be running to the piggies myself and I’ll be filing charges quicker than my electric nail filer can file my nails if I hear from her.

I told her she doesn’t have to worry about telling Todd or her uncle. All she has to do is stop giving to her. If she can’t handle it, tough shit! That’s her problem.

Yeah, I figured she was either a pervert or a child beater. She broke her kid’s ribs, she told me. Lovely, huh? I could kick myself for feeling bad for her when the emotional wimp cried hysterically on the phone that day in April, then passed out (probably faked it), then was maxed and sent to A Tower. (yeah, I could kick myself for a lot of things)

She really pissed me off that time I was fighting with Teresa and Laticia, who were just as rude, childish and as selfish as she is. It was none of her business, the beef was between me and them, yet she just had to go and stick her nose in it anyway. She needs to learn to mind her own fucking business! She’s never gonna survive in prison. I’d bet my favorite doll that she doesn’t get out alive. She’s gonna fuck with the wrong person there. I know it. I just know it, and I told her so.

Oh, and to run and call Mommy over it is so incredibly childish. That’s like some little kid running and crying out, “Mommy, mommy, she won’t let me play with her dolly!” Oh, boo-hoo. Poor, poor thing! That was just as childish as when she ripped up the note I had for Teresa. The mature, adult thing to do would’ve been to just ignore me. Then she had the nerve to write, “You wouldn’t be saying these things if there weren’t doors and walls between us.”

Oh, yes I would, I thought to myself. Who does she think she’s kidding if she’s implying I’d be afraid to speak my mind to her and her little friends to their faces?

Believe me, back then, I wished there weren’t doors and walls between us, and I’d love to be back there for just two minutes, but I couldn’t write all about the things I’d like to do to her in my letter. As we learned, there’s no such thing as “freedom of speech.”

Hope’s a hypocrite, too. She also wrote in that kite to me that I was bossing the pod around, which as Mary knows from being there, was pure bullshit. Meanwhile, she’s sitting there telling people to do this and do that.

People like her really make my blood boil! Who the hell is she to think she’s owed anything from anyone after all she’s done and the way she treats people? She has no conscience or empathy for others. All she cares about is herself. Just wait till she gets to prison. They’ll set her straight there. She won’t be a little beggar there. Or a big-mouthed, back-stabbing hypocrite.

I feel so bad for that kid of hers. Imagine being that kid, and one day you’re asked where your mother is and all you can say is, “Oh, my mommy broke my ribs so she’s in prison till she gets a taste of her own medicine.”

I have no sympathy for this sick twist simply because she admitted to what she did, according to Mary. Doesn’t make her any less guilty. She’s still a subhuman piece of shit I’d spit on then step on as if she were merely a cockroach or yesterday’s trash.

Well, she can just remind her that she came to Estrella as a witness, not to be her servant. She doesn’t owe her shit, so whether she’s being a spiteful little greedy, spoiled bitch or a major sweetheart, she shouldn’t let herself be used. She’ll never get a dime of that money back.

Hopefully, she’ll either shut up, mind her own damn business, fend for herself and leave Mary alone, or one of them can be moved. Hope should be the one to move if it comes to it cuz she’s the one causing trouble.

Why can’t I run into people like Nancy K, Teresa B and Hope K on the streets where I have nothing to lose? Then again, you know God never lets me get away with anything. As soon as they got out of the hospital, they’d either come torch our house, or I’d go to jail. Even worse, they might do something to Tom.

TUESDAY, JUNE 11, 2002
I couldn’t get up at 8:00 like I wanted to. I had to sleep till 10:00 instead. Since I had 10 hours of sleep today, maybe I can get by with just 8 tomorrow. If I could only fall asleep earlier! And if I only didn’t need so much fucking sleep! I thought we were supposed to need less sleep when we got older. I guess that really means old kind of older.

After calling two places yesterday that wouldn’t take the rats, we dumped the male babies before leaving for the new mall in Chandler.

At the mall, we looked for a place that sold that hair-streaking stuff, but never found a place that did. We went into the As Seen on TV store and got this shower massager with a rotating brush that I’ve been wanting. It really scrapes away dead, flaky skin.

We ate in their food court, before heading to a strip mall where they had the hair stuff.

Tom did my hair for me, since it’s so long, and it was a bust. I should’ve known better, too. Especially since it said it was better on lighter hair. My hair was too dark for it, so you can’t even tell anything was done to it. I’ll have to get a color, especially for darker hair, or I’ll just dye it all dark brown. I’m still not sure when I’ll cut it.

One thing’s for sure and that’s that Scot couldn’t have come to the house yesterday. Not with God knowing I wasn’t home to have to deal with him.

As unfair as it is, it’s good that I’m home and answer the door as quickly as I can when he does come around. I wouldn’t want too many absences to get him all paranoid and think we’ve got something to hide in here when we don’t, thus making trouble for us, then ultimately for himself and anyone else dumb enough to get involved. I will file the biggest harassment lawsuit, plus whatever else I can think of along the way if he even thinks of tossing this house. Then they can say I hate whites too, and act like these poor, poor victims.

As I said before, this isn’t a county jail cell. This is my home. And the state and its drones aren’t about to play mommy and daddy with me on the home front if they know what’s good for them!

I have to back down a good 5 pounds or so. I’m not looking to get skinny, but 125 pounds is a bit uncomfortable for me. It gets a bit hard to get around. I’ve been slacking off on any kind of aerobic activity, and it goes to prove once again that it really does help. It won’t make you skinny like dieting can, but it’ll help keep your weight from going up. So, I’ll row or walk and put myself on a low-cal diet for a few days. It’s no big deal. Not like it would be if I tried to tell myself I was going to get down to 100-110. Even getting down to 115 would be quite a battle. I know I’d look better and that my clothes would fit better, but it’s not worth the slavery it’d take to get down there. Also, the lower my weight is, the harder it is to maintain it.

We saw an exercise bike in Sears, which was amazingly comfortable and quiet! The seats sure have changed. They’re not like the seats of regular bikes anymore. They have seats wide enough for even the fattest of asses, and a nice comfortable back, too. The one we saw, which was one of their smallest, was for $180. We both agree we want to get it at some point and put it in the den (I already made room for it). That way, I can row to at least one half-hour show a day and it won’t be so boring.

Meanwhile, the walker is a bit too strenuous and the rower makes these clanky sounds, making it hard to hear a TV or anything like that, so I just row to music.

Also, I had stopped doing ab crunches to see if the zapper alone would be sufficient enough, but it’s not. The two of them combined work best, so I’ll start crunching again.

Later…

It’s possible that someone may’ve bought the land across the street cuz I saw some cock in a red pickup get out and look for property markers the other day, and today, a county car was sitting in the road for a while. This could mean that they’re going to grade the road for bringing a house in and to deter people from driving on the property.

Whenever a house gets over there, I’ll have mixed emotions about it. It’ll do us good money-wise, but we’ll lose even more privacy. Knowing they’ll just have to sit at the front of their house, and I’m sure the house will be closer to the road, we’ll have to see them and their dogs, which may be a bit audible, depending on just how close to the road they settle. We’re 150’ from the road, so if they end up 150’ from the road too, which seems logical, that’s 300’ which would be closer than next door is at about 400’. Not a thrilling idea, but anything’s better than having blacks and Hispanics 3’ away.

SUNDAY, JUNE 9, 2002
I have thought of Teddy Bear every day for nearly a year and a half now, and I have to wonder, will there ever come a day when I don’t think of her? I doubt it. I just wish I knew what happened! I’m only 95% sure she got the letter and blew me off for either someone else or cuz I’m married, not 100%.

Damn you girl, get back to Estrella so Mary can at least question you!

But I know this will never happen, and if it does, Mary will be gone by then.

In less than an hour, I’ll have been here a decade. That’s something I have mixed emotions about. I still like Arizona, but over the years I’ve found more and more things not to like about it.

Despite its hardships, how different my life is now than when I stepped off that plane 10 years ago! I was 25 pounds lighter with barely a gray hair or two. My only friend was a pothead, and I had no furniture or place to live. Then God nearly starved me to death!

How dumb and naïve I was to have gotten involved with anyone I met at the pool or anywhere else around there. I can’t be held responsible for people’s actions like Andi’s, Rosemarie’s, Donna’s, Robert’s, Mark’s or Ellie’s, but you know what? If I had ignored them, none of my problems with them would’ve happened.

Well, sort of. I have to take that back when referring to Andi. With just a thin little wall between us, it was rather impossible to ignore her shit, just like with the freeloaders. Sometimes we’re just too close to our enemies to be allowed the privilege of ignoring them.

SATURDAY, JUNE 8, 2002
It makes keeping a schedule really hard when you need so much damn sleep! I couldn’t drag my ass out of bed till 9:30, an hour later than I’d have liked. Watch, I’ll be tired all day. Then come early evening, I’ll wake right up. Maybe I’ll take Benadryl at 9:30, so I can have my damn 12 hours of sleep. I believe I only got 10 this time around.

I ask myself, what if I could choose between staying right here with the freeloaders very much a part of our lives, or going back to Massachusetts and living in the same nice house, also on 10 acres, with no freeloaders involved? Would I return to Massachusetts? You know, I think I would. After all, the only real thing I hated about New England, besides its weather, was the fact that things tended to be a little too old and a little too expensive. Things are different now, too. I wouldn’t have to be out playing bus in the cold, snow and humidity. It would be very hard for us to afford a house there, though. Very few houses there are under $100,000.

Later…

At 1:00, our power went out. We figured it’d be back on in a few, but by 3:00, it was near 90 in here. Tom put batteries in his old radio and learned that the power was out in Maricopa and Stanfield, which they were calling Stanford.

So we went to Walgreens in Casa Grande and I picked up a few neat things. Glittery hair ties in various colors, very berry lip gloss, two sports bras, Sunflowers cologne, and some nail polish I shouldn’t have bothered with. It’s supposed to be light pink in warmth, blue in cold, and green/gold in UV rays, but it’s not that impressive. It feels rubbery, too. It has no shine and is barely visible even with 3 coats cuz it’s so light. That chrome nail polish is definitely the best.

Anyway, I put some of the glitter ties in a few of the doll’s hair, but on Jade, they’re bracelets. She has 3 on each wrist. With Mei Lin, I put 6 different colored ties down the length of each of her two ponytails. It totally goes with her outfit. I used a white one to tie Chris’s ponytail with, a pink/gold one as Falling Star’s headband, a gold one around Emerald’s ankle to go with the gold accents in her green dress, a pink one around Bailey’s ankle, a silver one around the skating Barbie’s waist, one as a tube top for another Barbie, and to tie off two of the Indian doll’s two braids with, I used pink, purple, blue and black. I’m sure I’ll decorate future dolls with them as well as my own hair.

FRIDAY, JUNE 7, 2002
Well, today’s the day. I should find out today what’s going on with the class shit. Tom says taking adult education classes is no big deal, and that the most it could be - and this is extreme - would be a few times a week since they know people have to work, but it’s a big deal to me. He can play this down all he wants, but it’s a big deal to me, ok? Even if it was a free 5-minute class, it’s a big deal as long as it’s connected to the freeloaders. freeloader-induced activities are a big deal, and it’ll also be a big deal if I have to be put out yet again all cuz of someone’s spite and misconception.

How is it that so many people have had such control over my life? Meanwhile, I couldn’t control another human being like this even if I wanted to, though I don’t want to. I just want to be left alone. But if I misunderstand someone, I just misunderstand them. No harm done to anyone. But with me, it could turn my life upside down if someone misunderstands me.

Why must I be the one to have to pay for people’s stupidity?! I always used to think it best to play down all I knew so I could surprise someone if I needed to use what I knew against them, but now I realize just how important it is to appear alert, receptive and like you know what’s going on, even if you really don’t.

I’m also sick of Tom making me feel worse when I bitch about this shit, too. He’s done nothing but play the situation down and make me feel, in a sense, like I’m a fool to get upset over it or to worry about what else these freeloaders may do.

When I told him I wanted to get rid of the baby males, he got all upset over the money spent on the new cage cuz we had plans to breed. He always gives me a hard time when I want to get rid of animals, but anyway, I told him I would’ve wanted that cage anyway. It’s a much better cage. Besides, we did try to breed Little Buddy and it didn’t work, not that I can complain since Lady was so spastic. The point is, he bitches about money spent on a cage that I love and wanted either way, but the black bitch fee? Hell, that’s just another bill. No big deal. As soon as I bitch about the freeloaders or the state, he’s quick to either defend them or play the situation down and I’m fed up with it. I really am. So, if I get told what I don’t want to hear today, I’m just going to grin and bear it till I can get home and unleash my anger and frustration in this journal.

I wish to hell I could brainwash myself into believing this is all my fault and that I deserve the sentence I got! But even if I were guilty as hell, no one deserves to be thrown in jail for something they wrote, nor should they be left on probation afterward for this long and lose so much money over it. There’s no way, guilty or not, I could ever consider myself a criminal, let alone a stalker. I never “stalked” these sick fucks, nor did I do anything else other than express myself. The only thing I did wrong was that I did resort to words and not actions. And those words were sent to a hateful, prejudiced, emotional wimp who couldn’t handle what I had to say, and she used/abused her connections against me. No one out here deals with people head-on. They cower behind the corrupt law.

God definitely decided I should be born a follower and not a leader. But I don’t want to be either! I just want to be myself. I don’t tell others what to do with their lives and I’m sick of people telling me what to do with mine! It’s not right. It’s just not right and it’s not fair.

It’s still utterly appalling to think that a perfect stranger (Judge H) could sit in judgment of me as he did, and have such a huge impact on me, my life, and Tom’s life as well.

You know what else? I thought about it and said, fuck it! I’m decrypting all my journals. If any pig were to steal them, though I’ll be damned if I’ll submit to “search and seizure” if I can help it, they should read all I have to say about them as well as other shit I’ve written. Let them read it all! I want them to. If they want to take the time and go to all the trouble, they should at least get their reading pleasure out of all this now, shouldn’t they?

It almost makes me laugh when I think of all the legwork the pig and the state have gone through to get at me. And all for a letter. When you think of all the paperwork, the time, etc., it’s just so asinine that it’s almost comical. The state’s probably spent more on paper and ink than we have in the last 8 years just to give the media and whoever else copies of the journals. When I found out on sentencing day that the pre-sentencing guy had written down everything I had said over the phone word for word, I was like, “Oh, my God! All that work? All that time and energy into copying down every single little thing I said when all he had to do was write down the highlights which would’ve been plenty enough to get my point across (not that anyone gave a damn).”

Of course, I’m sure he had to throw in a few words of his own along the way and twist some of mine, too.

“Justice.” Why was the word ever invented? There’s no such thing. Not by people, not by God. The only things there are are competition, spite, control, power, vindictiveness, greed and revenge. It’s all a game in the eyes of all the players but the real victims.

Paula’s so lucky and she doesn’t even know it. Yeah, she called last night. For slugging a pig, she gets a 1-year suspended sentence. All she has to do is report once a month and stay out of trouble so she doesn’t go to jail for 90 days. No one will be coming to her house and she doesn’t have to pay a dime. The $270 fine was waived cuz she’s poor. If she’d have slugged a pig out here, she’d be looking at a huge sentence. She’d probably do 3-10 in prison, then years and years of probation afterward. Having Section 8 and Justin may help her a bit, but not too much.

She gave me her email address. I’ll email her later.

The bulk of the conversation was about what most of our chats are about - her being furious with the Puerto Rican she’s seeing that she thinks is cheating on her.

When she told me she sent two letters over the last couple of months (and I believe her), this really raised a red flag as far as my suspicions about the mail tampering go. My mounting suspicions really worry me. You’ve got Mary, who seems to be missing letters from me. Pérez, who seems not to have gotten my letter, and Paula, who can’t seem to get mail to me to save her life. Some of it is probably made up just to get me to keep on writing her, but she wouldn’t have not written for this long. Something’s going on. But who is it and why are they doing this? I know the PO’s incompetent, but this is a little overkill, and I really wonder yet again if Teddy Bear ever got my letter, though she still could’ve called.

Once again I must ask myself, am I being paranoid, or is someone out to get me? The only one that could be doing this is the pigs and maybe even Scot, too. Maybe they’re looking to see who I correspond with so they can hope to get me thrown back in jail. But if that’s the case, what’s taking so long? How many more letters to and from Mary and Paula do they need? Are they just taking a letter here and a letter there while hoping to find something going to the freeloaders? Is that it? Or could the PO really be that fucked up while Paula tells me nothing but bullshit lies?

Then there’s another possibility. One worse than any meddling pigs. Could Tom be withholding any mail from me? And if so, why? I certainly can’t imagine why he’d do that and it seems highly unlikely, but I know that anything’s possible. I mean, why would he not give me mail from Paula? And if Teddy Bear or Pérez did write, why would he not give me their mail? Would he be that jealous? I doubt it. If it isn’t a case of lies and incompetence, then someone’s looking to get my ass.

Later…

Un-fucking-believable! Scot never even mentioned the class thing. Not a word either way. I was really surprised. Of course he had to comment on how much time I had left. I asked Tom, “Is he really that forgetful, or is he just looking to see if I am?”

“He’s just making small talk. There’s only so much to talk about,” he said.

How about how hot it’s been? Anything else for a change.

Yeah, I know. I sound just like Dureen.

Anyway, I’d rather hear nothing than hear I have to take classes, but it would’ve been even better if I could’ve been told I don’t have to take them so I could be done with it. Instead, I still have it hanging over my head. I think these freeloaders and the shit they cause will always be hanging over my head!

He seemed like he was in a bad mood. Not by anything he said, but it was just something I sensed, aside from his usual cold, impersonal self. This guy needs to loosen up! Then again, as long as he doesn’t fuck me over, he can be Mr. Serious of the Year for all I care.

I told him about the doll-making plans we have. At first he said absolutely nothing. Then he asked how much dolls usually cost and when I plan to get into it.

The letter with the postage due from Mary shed a lot of light on this mail mystery. There is no mystery after all. She did get my letters and the bear probably did, too. That leaves only Paula. Paula, who happens to call right after I said I wouldn’t write till I heard from her. How convenient.

Yeah, I’m now convinced she isn’t writing. If someone was meddling with the mail, why would hers be the only letters they took?

Mary did put extra postage on after all, but the cheap bastards at the PO still wanted their 12 precious cents.

Another favor too, she wanted. She sent pages she tore out from an astrology book and asked me to type them for her. Instead, I just scanned them.

She really likes the idea of my getting into doll-making. She wants a doll with fuchsia hair and purple eyes someday. Yeah, I know she likes those colors.

The few DOs who knew Teddy Bear say they haven’t heard anything about her since she left. Mary still thinks she didn’t deliberately hurt me. I’d like to think that too, but it seems rather obvious that I was blown off by her, whether or not she got my letter and I think she did. The more I think about it, the more I’m pretty sure that the only one playing games with the mail is Paula. I don’t need to number my letters to Mary.

Mary agrees that writing is very therapeutic, and she too, is good at writing sex scenes. I included one for her that I always had when I was alone in 3. One where the bear would lick my pussy or we’d kiss while I’d massage her achy shoulders when she’d stop by on walks.

THURSDAY, JUNE 6, 2002
Mary’s being a pest again. No, not with requests to print her journal excerpts out, but with another postage-due letter. It’s only 12 cents, but it puts Tom out. Besides, how many more times do I have to tell her this?! I mean, are we dumb here, or do we just not get it?

She also wants Tom, since I bullshitted her by saying I tried to visit and was turned away for being on probation, to come down and withdraw $80 from her account to send to her boyfriend Todd in Utah for his birthday. I’m simply going to tell her that I don’t want anyone with my last name at that jail. I can’t take any chances at stirring things up and we don’t know of anyone else willing and trustworthy of doing this. Unless the probation department’s going to come out and demand I do something I can’t/won’t do like stand on my pinky finger all day or divorce Tom, I don’t ever intend to return to Estrella Jail to freeze my ass off while I live on hotdogs and cold showers! And I know damn good and well that God would never allow me the blessing of being able to reside with the same compatible celly month after month after month. I’ll be damned if I’ll go back there and play musical cellies; some of them ok, some crazy, and some rude, loud and obnoxious.

Damn, even at home I gotta put up with inmates’ requests! If she keeps this up, I’m gonna feel used and I’m gonna ignore her just like the bear ignored me.

I also told her that Tom needs to sleep during the daytime whenever possible, but that I could make him a birthday card with my card-making program if she wants.

She feels really helpless being locked up and all, and as I told her, I understand and I do empathize and sympathize with her! I wasn’t locked up during Tom’s birthday, but I was during Christmas.

She’s really got me worried once again that someone may be interfering with my mail to her. Maybe some of my unanswered questions are in the letter that he plans on picking up tomorrow, but she never told me if she got her book excerpts or the pictures I sent. Didn’t she get that stuff? And what about the letter where I mentioned getting paints and a kiln and getting into doll-making? And how about the jail story that I’ve begun sending bit by bit with changed names? It really shocked me when she said she hoped my Teddy Bear story was going along well. The “story” was simply a quick clip that was barely a page long, and that I sent her. Didn’t she get it?

Well, I decided to start saving and numbering my letters to her, letting her know to tell me if she’s ever missing a number. This will hopefully tell me, cuz I really need to know if someone is meddling with my mail so I can then figure out who it is and take the proper means to stop them. Mail tampering is a hell of a felony for real!

As for Teddy Bear, yes, it’s always possible that she didn’t get the letter and assumed I’d forgotten about her as Mary suggested, but I still believe that if she truly cared enough, she’d have called to find out what was going on for sure. If I were her and I didn’t get the letter and I truly cared, I’d say to myself, I changed workplaces, so maybe that’s why the letter didn’t make it to me. Rather than assume she’s blowing me off, I’ll at least call like she told me to in the first place if her letter didn’t make it to me. The worst that could happen is that we don’t see each other. And if I were her and I did get the letter but changed my mind for whatever reason, I’d at least have the decency to call and say something like, “Thanks for the letter and thanks for taking the time to breed the mice, but no thanks. I just wanted to tell you so you wouldn’t be left hanging and wondering what happened. Good luck in life and take care of yourself.”

Like it or not, she’s a phony. I was just a game to her. Just something to pass the time with. She lied to me by saying one thing and doing another. I know we’re not meant to ever see each other again and there’s no use in kidding myself about that. I have to move on and “bumping into her” at work like she suggested would be a bad idea. First of all, I wouldn’t want to see someone who no doubt doesn’t want to see me, and secondly, that would be stalking, and I don’t care to live up to the label I’ve got on me. Her suggestions and support are appreciated, though. Also, she said she hasn’t been able to find out anything on her cuz there are so many new DOs.

I used to complain about criminals/inmates having all the rights. Well, not here in Arizona they don’t! The rights all go to the victims, some of which are real and some of which aren’t, of course. Actually, the rights go to the “minorities.”

I’m totally stressing over tomorrow. I try to tell myself, to relax. It’s just God wanting you to worry. You know he loves to hang you with these freeloaders, so just chill out. Also, he loves to see you worry about one thing after another for no reason at all.

But what if there is a reason to worry this time around? I still can’t know for sure that they’re not gonna make any more unreasonable or impossible requests as I vibed in jail, but like I said a long time ago, I can’t do what I can’t do, and I won’t allow myself to be abused by the system any more than I already have. If he comes out and says these classes are going to be frequent and or costly, I’m gone. I don’t know where I’ll go, but I’ll figure it out. They may not leave me much of a choice. Just like with the freeloaders, one can only be pushed so far. If they push me to put my foot down, then maybe they’ll think next time if they want to make a buck off of someone that bad. They won’t just be losing control over me if they force me to run, they’ll be losing my $40 a month, too.

I’ll bet if one studied the stats, they’d find that the number of criminals, real or imagined, doesn’t fluctuate much out here. Gotta keep things steady to keep business moving. The state uses whatever sources it can to make money. They depend on criminals just as much as the taxpayers. As Gina said at the recycling center, as soon as one leaves, another one comes in.

It’ll be interesting to see how the doll company handles us sending the second doll back. I wonder if they’ll give us back our money, thinking the doll we sent back was the only one we ever got, but I doubt it.

It’s been 20 days since we ordered Joy. I hope she comes in soon! The sooner I get her, the sooner we can find out about the classes if God will let me work for me for a change and not for the state. If they won’t drop this class thing, then I’ll really take that as a sign reminding me that my life doesn’t belong to me! At that point, I won’t bother with classes, if my purpose in life must be to serve others. If God wants me to be a state servant that bad, then that’s just what he may get! I mean, wouldn’t he just love me if I volunteered at the recycling center, which I’d hate, of course.

I was surprised when I saw that I awoke at 124 pounds. I may’ve quit trying to lose weight, but I haven’t gone crazy, either. Then, I turned around and shit 3 times over the next few hours, losing two pounds. So, I guess I was just bogged down in shit.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 5, 2002
Tom’s coming up on his 7-year anniversary at the bank. Of course, that’s nothing when you consider the fact that he was at his last two jobs for 16-17 years, as he said.

And we’re coming up on our 8th anniversary. Wow! My present to him will be new glasses, and his to me will be those Arab and Brazilian dolls. The fight will be on to get them in 10 days. Which will they be, out of stock, or left to sit on a shelf at the PO for a month? It’ll be one or the other, no doubt. They should get here by the same day as Joy’s deadline - Tom’s b-day, the 28th, but we know they won’t get here till mid-July or maybe even August. The tentative plan is to have this be the last of the mail-order dolls for now, cuz I’m sick of having to fight to get them. Besides, if God could spare me from being a state volunteer, I really want to learn to make my own dolls. I’ll probably still have to fight with the PO, though, ordering parts. Then again, maybe not. Maybe we’ll pick things up from a supplier in Phoenix or maybe even Casa Grande.

I kind of hope the dolls are out of stock so that the PO doesn’t just toss them on a shelf and leave them there till we ask for them. What lazy people they are! It’s so much easier to just toss a box on a shelf and say they tried to deliver it than to just give it to the damn person.

Tom said he’d put this class bullshit out of my mind until and if something happens with it, but that is so much easier said than done! the cheeks told me not to worry about it, too. Yeah, that’s what Paul said - don’t worry. I’m sick of these blacks affecting half the things I do, and when they’re not, I’m worrying that they will! It never fucking ends! When we lived together, they’d be pissing me off with their music, and when they weren’t, I’d be stressing over knowing they could start up again any sec. Now, they turn my life upside down by costing me my freedom and thousands of dollars, and when they’re not, I worry that they will. They’re either directly/indirectly wreaking havoc on my life, or I’m worrying that they’re going to do something more, knowing it’s just a matter of time. I feel like I’m never going to be free of these sick fucks!

Always with me, always with them.

Also, this state’s not gonna give without taking. Meaning, if they decide to give me a break with the classes, they’ll just do something else, like push the work issue, demand more money, or that I go to Casa Grande to piss in front of someone since I haven’t in a year.

I’d like to think that Scot’s word would have a lot of leverage in my favor (by his saying he doesn’t think classes are necessary and showing them my diplomas), being that he’s one of their own, in a sense. After all, they’d never second-guess him if he said he found drugs or guns in here or made up some other bullshit story to get at me if he wanted to be that corrupt, but I think it’s more important to them to control me than to listen to him. Well, I sure as hell hope I find out, either way, this Friday. I want this done and over with, so I can move on to worry about some other freeloader-related bullshit. Either that or so I can be free to deal with whatever appliance decides to break next if it isn’t the car.

Although Scot hasn’t stepped out of line yet and I doubt that he will, I’m still on guard. I’ll forever be paranoid and wary of those in law enforcement, after all, I’ve been through, and I could kick myself for even thinking of getting together with Teddy Bear. How stupid could I have been, despite how good-looking she was?! In more ways than one, for a variety of potential reasons, I’m glad she blew me off. I mean, all Scot has to do is say I slugged him, say he heard me plotting to kill the freeloaders - anything - and there wouldn’t be a damn thing I could do to prove otherwise. Not a damn thing. He’d pay for it eventually, but not without taking me down with him first.

TUESDAY, JUNE 4, 2002
The fucking rats woke me up for the last time last night. No more wheels for them while I’m asleep! Its squeaking was what woke me. I had to take a Benadryl to fall back asleep, so naturally, when the alarm went off at 8:00, I was dog-tired.

I want to maintain a day schedule until Friday the 21st. I’d maintain it just till the 15th if it weren’t for the freeloaders, but the freeloaders say I have to report just one week later, and that might not be enough time to flip my schedule. I should be used to the fact that most of my life comes down to the freeloaders by now. After all, I’m an expert at it. It’s nothing new. It’s been this way since 1996. However, it’s something I just can’t get used to. Maybe in another year.

If only we’d both done our homework up front and known all the facts! If we’d only known what we came to know too late! I’d never have been in jail and I’d never have met Teddy Bear, which would be a good thing, in light of her abandoning me the way she has.

Mary, I could take her or leave her. I wonder why I haven’t heard back from her, though. Hasn’t she had enough time to ask around about the bear’s whereabouts, not that I care anymore, cuz all I know is that Teddy Bear couldn’t have cared the way she led me to believe she did? Whether or not she got my letter, she’d have called if she cared and she didn’t.

Mary never even let me know if she got the stuff I sent her, and again I wonder if someone’s playing games and could be interfering with our mail.

I always believed that public pretenders just didn’t care all that much since they weren’t being paid by their clients, not that they were out to convict along with the DA. Then again, I’ve never been charged with a felony before this, so how was I to know that since public pretenders work for the state and since it was the state that was against me, failing their clients means “winning” for them? Conviction is a victory for them just like it is for the DA. They’re all on the same side.

And if it wasn’t for Tom, I would still believe to this day I went down for the journals and not this letter. Nor would I know about the information Paul withheld from us.

How much longer am I going to let this state victimize me? When am I going to just turn my back and walk away? Oh, how I want to so bad! How I want to show them - see? You can’t always get your way and you can’t push just anyone around. Certainly not me! - But I know that I’d be treated no different than if I’d been a convicted mass murderer who escaped from prison. They’d pursue me as if I were a heavily armed and dangerous person. That means they’d either bust through the door, or they’d throw teargas in here. They wouldn’t consider me a lower priority. They’d put just as much energy and effort into getting at me as they did with Ted Bundy. Then once they got me, I’d probably be looking at close to a decade in prison, then a good 5 years to life on probation once released. Like I said, I’m forced to take this abuse that I wouldn’t deserve even if I wrote them a million threatening letters. It’s just like being strapped to a chair while someone beats on you. There’s just no breaking free!

When Tom was out burning a few days ago, I went out and called to him from about 30 feet away, asking if he wanted a baked potato as I was about to make one for myself. This was in the early evening.

He told me to keep my voice down since voices carry at that hour, so no one would look out to see who was talking, then report us for burning trash.

In the past, I’d have been like, “Oh, you and your silly fears and paranoias! You worry too much about what others may do.”

But now I know better. I know that we must see each and every individual out there as being the potential threat and enemy that they are. Just like animals have to be wary of other animals, we have to watch out for other people. People like Doe and Art would say our attitude sucks, but if our attitude keeps us safer, out of jail and from losing money, we’ll keep our sucky attitude.

There appears to be a new house visible about two properties in front. I can only see part of the top of the house. It looks to be a tan-colored house. I heard what sounded like loud engines around here the other day, but when I looked outside, I didn’t see anything. Well, maybe this was what I heard.

MONDAY, JUNE 3, 2002
I can’t believe that in 6 days I’ll have been here a decade!

Meanwhile, Tom downloaded me a really cool screensaver and wallpaper changer program. This wallpaper changer, unlike my old one, allows me to put as many pictures into a folder for display as I want. It also changes my desktop icon colors to go with whatever colors are in the pictures. Some of the colors are ugly, but I like the surprise of it. It lets me either display pictures in order (usually alphabetically by title names) or random display. I’ve got it on random display.

The screen saver thing works the same as the wallpaper program. It displays as many pictures as I want it to, changing every 15 seconds in random order, but the way cool thing about this one is that I can have it play MP3s too, also in random order.

SUNDAY, JUNE 2, 2002
I decided that little by little, I would go ahead and print these journals out once they’re fine-tuned. That way, I don’t have to worry about lost information. I know that even with multiple backups, stuff can still be lost. I also don’t give a shit anymore who reads these. If you don’t like something I might have to say, that’s your problem.

Still haven’t heard from Paula, so I’ve basically given up on her till I do.

They did send another Chris doll. This time by UPS. That’s who they usually use, but UPS doesn’t deliver to PO boxes. Tom’s going to call them and have them send it back. I definitely want that other fiber optic fairy, though. Fairy of Cork, I think she’s called (some Irish fairy). This one’s a plug-in rather than a battery-operated one. I like how I can turn these things on when I’m going to bed in the daylight, knowing it’ll be dark when I get up. That way, I’m not fumbling around in the dark when I do get up.

Tom says we’re gonna up the ordering of the Arab and Brazilian dolls a month in advance to two weeks from now, cuz we deserve it, as he says. That’ll be my anniversary present, and mine to him will be new glasses.

Which will it be - out of stock or left to sit on a shelf at the post office for a month? It’s gotta be one or the other. God knows I could never get a doll in just 10 business days after ordering it unless it’s one I already got like with this second Chris fairy. That one was right on time, as was the second Giselle doll back in Phoenix, but was the first one, and the Maria doll on time? No, of course not. The only ones to come on time were the Ashton-Drake dolls, but that’s only cuz they take such a long time anyway.

I slept an amazing 13½ hours last night. Now why in the world did I need so much sleep? Was I really that tired? I guess so. I certainly have been busy. Been busy online and worrying, God’s favorite pastime for me. And like most things in my life, it always comes down to the freeloaders and what trouble they may cause me. The only difference is that any havoc they may wreak upon me since we moved is done indirectly rather than directly. Sometimes I don’t feel like probation is probation, but rather an extension of jail. How many more weeks am I gonna have to sit and wonder what they’re gonna do about this class bullshit? I just want to know and get it over with! Then I can get hit with the next problem or at least potential problem that these freeloaders are gonna cause.

I’m so sick of having to pay for other people’s stupidity (referring to whoever felt my reading comprehension skills were low unless they just threw that in as an excuse to have one more thing to control me with)! It seems like most of Tom’s and my suffering are due to the consequences of others misunderstanding us. We spend way too much time correcting other people’s mistakes or getting ripped off.

I hope Joy will be in this next coming week, cuz my schedule would be perfect for it. Then we can get information on the classes and hopefully get on with that without the state interfering with any more of our time or money.

I accidentally came across a wallpaper site that has something like 22 million pictures, so that’s what I’ve been busy with. They have a huge variety of awesome pictures, most of which are high res. They’re calling the prairie dogs here desert gophers.

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Last updated July 12, 2024