October 1999 in 1990s

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1999
Although life is still good overall, things weren’t too great last night and earlier today.

I was able to fall asleep sooner than I thought I would last night, but I kept waking up all through the night.

I’m surprised I forgot to mention what happened yesterday afternoon. It could’ve been worse than it was, but instead, it turned out to be pretty funny. We locked ourselves out of the trailer and couldn’t jimmy the lock with a credit card. Luckily, though, Tom had his pants with the keys in their pocket by a window, and he was able to pop the screen and reach through to get them.

We’re at the La Quinta now, but I’m too tired to get into it now, so I will later. I’m just gonna read for now.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1999
We got new camera batteries today and I took more pictures of the land, trailer, and animals.

Tom told me he’d prefer to wait till tomorrow to screw cuz he feels more comfortable in a hotel. That’s fine, but I don’t understand why when you only like to screw for 2-3 minutes. I spend 10 minutes hardening him up by hand (although he gets hard right away) then we screw for a couple of minutes, so why we need a hotel for that beats me. I can see if you wanted to screw for at least 10 minutes, but he prefers quickies.

I may not write long, cuz I can’t see well cuz our battery needs charging. The toilet barely flushes and the lights are so dim that I’m using one of our kick-ass flashlights.

Later…

Tom went out and charged the battery, so now the lights are plenty bright enough to read and write. He used jumper cables and charged the trailer’s battery with the car. God only knows I’ll be up late tonight because as I was starting to say, for some reason I was beat. Yesterday I woke up really tired, even though it quickly passed. Then last night I crashed earlier than the usual midnight I normally crash at. I was out by 10:00. I woke up for an hour or so during the night, then I slept till 9:15 when the guinea pig decided it was time to serve him breakfast. I set my clock for 8:15, but for some reason, it never went off. Anyway, I was still a bit groggy. Then Tom got in a few minutes later and he crashed and I dozed off yet again for a while. So it’s gonna be a bitch getting to sleep tonight, and I’ll be getting up an hour or two earlier than usual once Tom gets up. His movements wake me up if his snoring doesn’t.

I took some pictures after dark of the distant city lights, all the beautiful stars, and the planet Jupiter. Of course, I won’t know how well they came out till I get them displayed on the computer. This digital camera sure beats other cameras, though. I started with nearly 90 pictures and I now have 55 left I can take. You sure don’t get that many with a regular camera.

Anyway, at about 2:00 this afternoon we headed out to a sit-down restaurant, which would’ve been OK if it weren’t so noisy. I had Chinese people gabbing really loud next to me. I don’t know why those who don’t speak English feel the need to shout when they talk. Then minutes later, a couple of loud kids came in behind me. They could’ve been worse, but again, Mommy didn’t even try to calm them down. A simple “shhh” would’ve been nice. I wonder why restaurant employees don’t even do anything. You’d think they’d think that maybe other diners were annoyed, and ask the parents to take some responsibility for controlling their own kids in public.

After eating we went into a Petco. I got rat/mice food, a cute little wooden log for the mice to burrow in, and another little mouse wheel. Of course, sometimes two mice still like to wheel on one wheel.

After Petco, we hit Circle K in Maricopa and picked up batteries, double mocha coffee, and some orange juice so I could take a water pill.

Again, it’s been another quiet day and night. I only heard barking once in the morning for a few minutes, and again at sundown. And these dogs wouldn’t have been heard in the house.

A big smile came to my face when I thought of all the company the nearest houses had to have had since we’ve been here that I didn’t have to hear. I no longer have to know they exist! Neighbors’ company is no longer my company, too. I’ve only heard one car door since being here. The one visiting next door that mysteriously parked between our properties and only cuz I was standing outside.

I know it won’t always be this way, but I intend to enjoy every day of peacefulness God will allow me to have until he takes it away from me.

It’s also nice to know that holidays are no longer something to stress out over. If neighbors party - so what? It won’t be my party too, like it or not. They can’t force their shit on me unless they were to blare a car stereo, but remember, they’re not into that here. They want to hide from people and life in general, not be in the spotlight. You want to be noticed, you want to be on stage, here’s not the place to be for that.

Lastly, before I read for a while, Deb and company had to have gotten my mail by now so long as there wasn’t any “divine interference” of any kind. God could’ve made sure it got to our old place, for all I know. The H’s seem like the type to give it to next door, though, if they did get it. Speaking of them - what’s the story? We haven’t gotten a bill from them or heard anything about the side mess, so does this mean that they’re not gonna take our offer and that all they wanted to do was bitch about it?

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1999
Desert Winds is really living up to her name today, fortunately, or else it’d be a bit toasty in here. I’m lying on my bed topless, enjoying the breeze coming in from the window right by me.

It’s quiet out there, but that’s to be expected in the middle of the afternoon. Dogs and people won’t be heard till the sun starts setting, and they’ll go on till 9:00-10:00.

Now, here’s the best news of the day: I got one new rat and three new mice! I’ll expand later.

Later…

That’s weird. You mean I could take the heat and he couldn’t? That’s a first. He’s not only a native, but I’m usually more sensitive to temperature than he is. He was going to take a nap but said he was too hot to sleep, so he fired up the generator so we could run the AC.

Hilda, Steven’s assistant, gave us the number to Palm Harbor’s factory so we could set up a tour appointment. Tom spoke to the guy he was referred to and was told we could go there Monday at 10:00 and see our house which will be half done by then! I guess that means they started building it today. Can’t wait! It’ll be interesting to see what it’ll look like half done.

After the continental breakfast at the hotel, and then a stop at the fast-food drive-through, we went to a pet store that was either in Mesa or Phoenix. I’m not sure which. They had a ton of Fancy mice and rats! They even had animals I’d never heard of before, like some weird-looking gerbil-like animals.

I originally wanted this gray rat, which the girl tried to claim was blue, but it was a female, so I got this cute little black rat. Actually, he’s dark brown. Darker than Porky, who I call Vanilla Belly these days. He has the same white hands and feet as Vanilla Belly, but he doesn’t have a patch on his belly.

He’s an energetic little guy, and I sure hope he’ll be big enough to live in their wire cage!

Anyway, the rats all get along with each other really well.

They had more variety of colors and markings than I’ve ever seen before with rats and mice. Got three mice - Mocha, Butter Rum, and Oreo. Oreo’s a black and white timid mouse who I doubt is pregnant. Butter Rum, who really has more of a butter rum, butterscotch color than Butterscotch the rat, who I call Polar Bear these days, could be pregnant, but I’m not sure. Mocha, the bravest mouse of all, is definitely pregnant and should deliver in around 10-15 days. Mocha’s colors resemble that of a wild mouse and an all-brown Fancy mouse like Cocoa was. She has a mix of different browns, and I personally think she’s the nicest looking. I have quite a variety of mice colors: white, brown, black, and gold. The rats have brown, crème, and white. They all have three different shades of brown, though.

I can’t wait to take pictures of them, get them set up in the house, etc.!

Oh, I forgot to mention that the house will be delivered on the 4th.

Later…

I am utterly amazed that I haven’t heard a sound yet. No dogs, no voices, just that engine.

I had to rescue Ratsy earlier, who got stuck in his wheel. The poor guy started squealing and was pinned between the wheel’s stand and support bar.

The mice are as cute to watch as the rats. Maybe even cuter. There’s only one little wheel in there since I didn’t know I’d be getting this trio before getting into the house. Sometimes there are up to three mice tumbling in it at once. Sometimes two mice run together side by side. Sometimes they squabble for no apparent reason, yet they don’t fight over food.

Butter Rum, whose fur looks gold in dim light, may or may not be pregnant, but Oreo and Mocha are for sure. At first I didn’t think Oreo was, as young as she is, but she is.

A little while ago Tom got us dinner at Dairy Queen. Their burgers are great.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1999
We’re back at the Hampton, and Tom just went to bed.

I slept OK last night, got up at 8:00, then went to Casa Grande when he got in shortly afterward. I didn’t realize just how many papers there were to sign!

After getting a baked potato at Wendy’s, we decided to skip going to Palm Harbor’s factory since it was out of the way, and just come here to the hotel.

In order to get the top floor, which is something I always prefer, we had to take a smoking room. So, we’re on the 6th floor, the hotel’s only smoking floor, and man is it quiet. This is definitely the best place so far, but it is a bit early still. The closest rooms to us are right next door (I forgot some doors are next to each other here) and the two across from us. There’s no one on one side of us cuz there are vending machines there. Well, I don’t have to describe the place since we’ve been here before.

I brought bottled water to run through their coffeemaker to heat up water so I can have coffee that doesn’t taste like it’s laced with bleach.

Soon I’ll go enjoy a nice hot, relaxing bath in their nice clean modern tub which is identical to the Red Roof’s. Yeah, they have some of the same things. Same digital alarm clocks, same tubs, same lamps, same AC units. But unlike Red Roof, they’re serving cookies at 4:00, which I’ll go help myself to.

Sometime after 8:00, I’ll get him up to go to Denny’s.

Look at this! He’s not snoring at all. But if I were trying to sleep, he’d be snoring like hell! I’m hoping we can find a battery-operated sound machine by the weekend, so I won’t have to listen to his snoring while I’m trying to sleep.

From about sunset at 6:00 to about 9:00 or 10:00 is the noisiest time on our land. That’s when the dogs are barking. It still beats Phoenix!

Believe it or not, we don’t have to pay flood insurance at the new place even though there are three washes, possibly four, going through our land, yet we had to in a flat subdivision in Phoenix! And next door’s house wasn’t considered a flood zone.
I think I’ll go take my bath now.

Later…

Ate a can of fish I brought, took my bath, and now I’m just gonna relax till it’s cookie time. I have three basic things to do…listen to tunes, read, or write.

We have our doubts that the house can be delivered on the 1st cuz we didn’t sign the papers till today. The good news, though, is that the house has to be there and ready for us by December 1st.

Tom’s still being as quiet as I wish he’d be when asleep all the time.

Although I no longer want a child, it bothers me to know that if I’d been naïve all along, and didn’t know he didn’t cum (especially during the first few years of marriage when we were “trying” to get me pregnant), he’d never have discussed it. Nor would he ever bring up fertility testing if I hadn’t. Just the fact that he’d never have come out and admitted to his not cumming, if he saw I didn’t know it and didn’t question it, bothers me. I just knew in my gut that he’d lie when it came to sex and stuff like that, and that’s why I did my little test about a year ago. The one where I’d make comments about us having so-called normal sex that he wouldn’t deny.

Although I don’t appreciate the dishonesty, at least I no longer want a child or care if he cums. As long as he’s happy, which he truly has to be, or else he’d complain and see a doctor. So, at least I can rest assured that he wants to be the way he is and that he’s perfectly OK with it. He wouldn’t have put up with it this long without liking things the way they are. I just think he should’ve leveled with me a little more, and from the get-go, although he did try to tell me, in his own way, by dropping certain comments, that he’d rather not have a child. I just didn’t want to hear or accept it at the time, although my journals will tell you that I’ve known all along when you read about all his resistance and his lack of appetite.

Having a low drive may truly be a part of him, but he didn’t have to live turned off cuz of his fears if he’d only been firmer. I’d have given in for him. Well, at least we’re on the same side now, and birth control and lack of cumming, and infrequent sex no longer matter.

Trio 2 is a good CD, but not as good as the one they did 10 years ago (Linda, Dolly, & Emmylou).

What a difference in how my life was when the first Trio album was released! All alone and broke, rotting away with no life whatsoever in a project in Mass. Just thinking of it makes me cringe! All the depression, frustration, anger, helplessness, and hopelessness I felt!

Well, I’ll finish up my before-the-house writing in my big blue book.

Later…

I hate it when one person says one thing and another says another thing. So cookie time isn’t really at 4:00. It’s at 5:00.

I couldn’t get out of the room cuz the inside latch got stuck and I had to get Tom up to figure out how to get it unstuck, and the poor guy bashed his fingers in the process. At least he was able to return to bed.

Well, I guess I’ll read till 5:00. Why are they serving cooking at dinner time, though?

Later…

Those cookies were great! I thought they’d be store-bought, but they were home-baked oatmeal raisin cookies. I couldn’t get any for Tom, cuz he hates raisins. I’m not overly fond of them myself, but I’m willing to pick them out and east the few I can’t.

What’s going on now? It was quiet all day, but now I hear a ton of door slamming. Can’t people make up their minds - in or out? Well, it is prime time for that, and technically, it’d be quiet enough come bedtime to sleep without the fan, but I’d rather not.

I almost had someone let me in here so I wouldn’t wake Tom again, but I finally got in after fighting with this so-called key. Red Roof has the better key. You slip a key-like thing in, it beeps, and you’re in. This thing, a piece of plastic like a credit card, doesn’t always release the door lock.

In disguised handwriting, I’m sending Bob a “death” letter rather than just disappearing. That way he’ll tell Kim. I could care less what Bob thinks, but I’d rather Kim think I died than that I dumped her. I didn’t literally “dump” her. I just moved on without giving her a way of keeping in touch. She’s just too far away and I felt it best not to bother. What kind of friendship can we really have anyway, with us on opposite sides of the country?

Anyway, in the letter, I claim to be Tom’s sister, reporting to a list of friends we left, that we died in a car wreck.

Later…

Tom and I walked across to Denny’s a while ago. He got a burger and I got a pot roast.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1999
Been writing journals for 12 years now.

Last night was the best I’d slept in quite a while. I slept straight through from 12:30 to 7:00, then I dozed till 8:00. I’m sure having the fan helped, or else I’d have woken up many times in between.

Tom should be here any time now.

Today we’ll be going to Casa Grande to sign some papers.

I let Tom get caught up on his sleep last night, and while he slept, I read 110 pages in my book, between writing and listening to music.

When Tom got up, he went to Circle K and got himself a hot dog, and me a brownie and some coffee. Shortly after, he went to Whataburger and got himself some fries, and me some chicken strips. Then he left and I conked out.

When I got up, I headed down to the lobby for the continental breakfast. As figured, they didn’t have as big of a selection, but what I got was still sufficient enough. I got a blueberry muffin and some coffee. Some apple juice, too.

I guess Sundays, Tuesdays, and Thursdays, will be the nights we stay in hotels.

After I finish this book, I’m gonna use my big, unlined sketchbook to finish up the time before the house. There’s no way I could fill up the whole book, and if I did, that’d mean we ran into a serious problem getting into the house.

Yesterday was pretty cloudy from the time I got up till we checked in here, and even afterward, too. It was a nice break from the usual glaring sun. If it actually rained, I wouldn’t know.

Later…

Tom just called. Says he’ll be here in 10 minutes and will call Casa Grande to make sure we can get out there today. I hope so! They can’t do the house without payments or signatures, and that house is due on the 1st. Less than a week!

We’re gonna check on the animals first since it’s on the way. Tom made a good suggestion last night - that I pop some popcorn in Circle K’s microwave as a treat for the animals. They certainly can’t have a whole bag, though, so I’ll eat most of it as I usually do and give them the rest.

Later…

I gave the animals their popcorn, changed their cages, and Tom called Casa Grande. We couldn’t sign the papers today, so we made an appointment for 10:00 tomorrow.

We went to Casa Grande today anyway, to do other things. It took us 10 minutes to get to Stanfield, and another 10 to get to Casa Grande. On our way, we went up to the higher desert which was even nicer than our land cuz it had saguaros and better mountain views. Yeah, life’s always about second best, but hey, it sure beats Phoenix!

It’s been dead quiet here ever since we returned at 4:00, but it’s a little too early for dogs and voices. It’s still pretty warm out there.

Anyway, we went to a Laundromat which was overrun with wild loud Mexicans, and walked to a furniture store with a pesky saleswoman while our clothes washed. After they dried, we went to a pet store. Large Fancy rats and Fancy mice are so hard to find. They did have small rats and Egyptian spiny mice that were cute, but probably too aggressive.

Then, we went to pick up the prescriptions I ordered, then to Arby’s drive-through. Lastly, we picked up a few things at a grocery store and drove by Palm Harbor’s factory where our house will be built. I’d love to see them build it, or at least give us a tour, so we’re gonna stop in there tomorrow.

We’ve also got to stop in the center of Maricopa to check out a truck I had a hot vibe on as we were passing by.

I’d go outside to read, but there are just too many damn flies. How sad, huh? If it isn’t noise, it’s flies. Does something not want me outdoors much? Well, I’ve never been that outdoorsy, anyway.

I still don’t understand why next door parked on the service road in between our properties. Even if they did have a ton of company, there’s plenty of room on 10 acres to park vehicles. I’d say, though, that no, they’re not Mexicans. They’re just not loud enough. I don’t hear any kids or music.

It’s amazing how much has changed since we moved. I’m not the talkaholic I was, Tom’s more talkative, and even the pig is, too. I don’t expect anything to change in bed, but I’d be lying if I said I wanted it to. I love Tom and I want to be with him forever, but nothing beats fantasy.

I wonder how long the sawdust will stay where it is? Both times I changed their cages, I dumped the sawdust by the front of the wash.

Later…

I don’t believe it. I just don’t fucking believe it! Then again, I can believe it. I’ve already heard someone’s music, but I don’t know if it was from a car or a house. At first I thought it was from next door, and I had heard voices from somewhere around here earlier, but it was coming from the opposite direction. It lasted 5 minutes and may’ve been country music. I highly doubt I could’ve heard it in a dual-paned windowed house, but just the fact that I did hear it tells me something. It tells me I’m still a magnet for noise. I mean, this is a totally nasty sign. You’re not supposed to hear that shit out here. We’re in the middle of the fucking desert, for Christ’s sake! Well, it still beats Phoenix, that’s for sure, cuz in Phoenix, you could hear them over loud fans.

The sunset dog barking was pretty mild this evening. There’s only one dog I’d die having next to me, cuz it has a very whiny, shrilly bark. Its yipping sounds more like shrieking.

Later…

Yes, other than the few shrieks I heard, and the music, it’s been a quiet, pleasant evening so far. That diesel engine hasn’t started up yet. That starts closer to 7:30, I think.

I went for a little stroll around the grounds earlier and for the first time in ages, I thought - wouldn’t it be nice to have a cigarette now? I like to keep my hands busy, which is kind of hard to do when you’re walking. I’d be terrified to live out here if I still smoked, though (it’s been 2 years now!). There’s no way they could rescue me in time and save me from the deadly attacks I used to have.

I still can’t believe I heard music, even though I can believe it at the same time, and even though I know my presence here will mean hearing more and more of that, I thought people out here wanted to be ignored. I thought they didn’t want attention.

Tomorrow night’s my pick, and I vote we return to the Hampton. We just may not get a room on the end like last time. I liked how their doors weren’t right smack next to each other like the Red Roof’s were, and like most hotels/motels are.

Tonight we’re gonna do what we did two nights ago; I’ll get him up when I’m ready for bed. Then he’ll go doze off or play computer games in the car till it’s time for him to head to work.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 26, 1999
We’re in the Red Roof Inn right now. He’s sound asleep. The place isn’t as nice or as quiet as the Hampton Inn was, but it’s cheaper, and I’ve got my fan this time around. I may be sleeping at night these days, but what’s to say someone won’t slam a door an hour or two before I’d like to get up?

At least their water’s almost hot enough for my instant coffee.

Yesterday, I did manage to get more sleep, but I could’ve used even more. I woke up half a dozen times or so but was able to fall back to sleep. I crashed at around 11:30, and Velvet decided that at 8:30 he’d waited enough for his carrot. So he squealed for me, I got up and fed the animals, then waited for Tom.

Someone cut their hair while sitting in this chair, cuz there are hairs at the sides of the chair.

This place’s negs are that they have the same dark, dull colors (I guess they feel it’ll hide spills and stuff like that better), and there’s a lot more door-slamming.

Despite it being smaller, less attractive, and bangier, it’s suitable enough. If I can’t even sleep with the fan on, then no.

Tom was sweet enough to leave the trailer at 10:30 last night, so I couldn’t hear him or feel his movements. He dozed in the car a few more hours before work. He was pretty beat when he got to the trailer just before noon. But he called and found that our loan on the new house has gone through (I knew it would), we went to Denny’s, then to the post office where I got my two CDs.

Ashton-Drake never sent that pen and yearly planner like they said they were for ordering over $75 of stuff, so I’ll call them if we still haven’t gotten it in a week or so. I want it for Tom.

Anyway, we checked in here on the 3rd of 4 floors by 1:30, then he showered and crashed. I’m gonna try staying up till 11:00-midnight so he can have time to get caught up. Thank God he’s on nights throughout all this so I can have some nights where I can sleep without his snoring.

I also like the idea of doing the hotel scene every other day, so we can rotate between days where we have a decent shower, and where I can go to sleep not having to worry about doors slamming.

It was dead quiet from the time I got up and left the land. I’m sure it was quiet all night too, seeing how I slept. Like I said, it’s just late afternoons/early evenings that will have dogs barking. I just hope most of them stay off in the distance, but at least they can’t get within a few feet.

Later…

I’m listening to my new Heart CD as I write.

I crept out in search of food. Even though Tom told me to wake him if I got hungry, I want him to catch up on his sleep, so I found a vending machine in the lobby and got something for him for when he gets up.

They don’t give skin lotion, shampoo, or laundry bags here, and they certainly don’t have irons and ironing boards. No coffee maker, either. Just soap, toilet paper, towels, and the usual basics.

As I said, I hear a lot more door-slamming here because, with their lower rates, it’s bound to be full compared to the other place, so more people will be coming and going. Sleeping at night with the fan should be OK, though, but if it’s not, we won’t stay here again.

Friday and Saturday nights, we want to spend at the trailer or else we’ll really have to deal with a lot of people and noise, no matter where we go. I’d rather listen to Tom’s snoring than people banging.

I also heard what I think was the housekeeper vacuuming the hallway which took forever.

I realized something pretty sick and rather sad the other day. After one of his visits to his mother, I had asked what the latest gossip and complaint about me was. He said nothing was said to him because they know he’ll tell me. That’s when it hit me - Evie told his mom who told Tom cuz she knew he’d tell me, and that’s what she wanted. What a wimp you are, Ev! What a sneaky way to get someone to do something you don’t have the guts to do, and why is she such a coward, anyway? That sly, little deceptive shit!

Speaking of shits, the shit black in Phoenix will hear from me tomorrow at the earliest, and Friday at the latest. Enjoy your reading material, you fucker! I wonder what blacks or Mexicans are next to me tonight. A white guy is across the hall.

I sent the excellent ratings I gave the Hampton, and this place will get a ‘fair’ report card. I mentioned the hair, cobweb, and door-slamming (there’s a huge cobweb over the door). The hair and cobwebs are nothing, though. I’m just an observant person, and they asked. I’ll leave the card in the room, as well as a page from here which I had been writing notes on.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1999
We’re now on our way to Mel’s, after having lunch at IHOP. I got pancakes, eggs, and undercooked bacon.

The hotel was the best we’ve stayed at since we’ve known each other, but his snoring’s really been robbing me of sleep. I guess for now we’re gonna stay in hotels every other day. Tonight we’ll be in the trailer, and thankfully he won’t be in at 6:30 snoring. So now just the animals can wake me up. Or my having to pee. Or just because. I really don’t think I’m gonna be able to sleep 8 hours straight through till after we get into the house, but at least I’m not sick. I still don’t wheeze, my lungs are OK, I’m just tired.

He won’t get back till around noon tomorrow, which is good, but he won’t be leaving till around 12:30 tonight. Much later than I want to be up, but hopefully, he won’t wake me up if I fall asleep before he leaves.

Their complimentary breakfast was good. They had a good selection.

Later…

We’re now at Mel’s. At least we got here only 20 minutes early and not 45.

Anyway, the only noise I heard at the hotel was the housekeeper bopping around at 8:30, but if I had slept longer, I wouldn’t have slept past 8:30 anyhow.

After this, we’re gonna go straight to the trailer where I’m gonna be lazy for the rest of the day.

I forgot to add that the hotel was much darker at night than that dive in Snotsdale was. Also, it had a flat carpet. The carpet in the trailer, which is a yellow/gold color, is plush.

Later…

Went to my appointment, but haven’t mailed the bitch’s mail yet. We will within the next few days. We were just so beat and we wanted to get back to the trailer as soon as we could.

I’ll also be mailing a little survey the hotel provided. I gave them excellent ratings. Tom liked how I put “lots” next to “position.” Well, I do lots of things.

I told Mel I was gonna stick with her at least for a while. She said, “Good.” Also, that purple was my color (I was wearing a purple dress). The doctor came in and tightened my retainers, and I’ll see them again in 4 weeks.

Is there really no place on Earth that’s totally quiet? I guess no home is completely free of other people’s noise, or other people’s dog’s noise. If there is, God simply won’t allow it for me. Although there’s still no comparison to our old place, all the area’s dogs can really get to be a bit annoying at certain times of the day. Again, they’re nowhere near as loud as the collies, and we won’t hear them in a dual-paned windowed house, but once again, I can’t enjoy the outdoors in peace. I give up. I totally give up. This isn’t just one dog, either. It’s obvious there’s a kennel somewhere around here, or as Tom suggested, maybe racing dogs. There are at least three dogs that go on and on for hours, but there could also be a dozen of them. It’s hard to tell for sure, but there are a lot of them.

Also, I see new utility poles nearby. Tom said they may’ve always been there, and they’re still miles away. I’m pretty observant, though, and I think they’re the first sign of how I vibed the place would build up as soon as we got here.

He also reminded me that we could sell our land and house in a few years and make a ton of money so he doesn’t have to work and go 100 miles from people (we’d split the land into 4 properties). Yeah, but moving’s a bitch, I really want to stay here, and where would we go? God would only have someone and their dog move close enough to be a bother. And this is nothing. The barking’s gonna get almost as bad as Phoenix was once the surrounding properties get dogs. It’s better than those fucking stereos, though.

I thought I also heard screaming as if someone was getting attacked by these dogs, but I couldn’t be sure. These dogs have got to be a mile away, even though sound carries a little better out here cuz it’s so flat. Yeah, wait till the dogs get on all the surrounding properties as I said. The mountains are too far away to block sound, but we are gonna put up a block wall. Not as close to the house as in Phoenix so it doesn’t enhance sound, but enough to ward off surrounding sounds.

Tom doesn’t think it’s building up in this direction, but like I said, it will now that I’m here. I’m gonna be stubborn, though. I do not want to leave this beautiful land and what will be our beautiful house. Maybe I’m not getting my hopes up for no reason for once by hoping it’ll be quieter in a well-insulated house, and I don’t have to be outside all that much. It’s either too hot or too cold for the most part, and I hate all the flies. You just can’t casually stroll around here without the possibility of encountering a snake at night and without the more definite possibility of encountering ants during the day. When you sit still, flies won’t leave you the fuck alone.

Later…

The shouts and barks are still going on. Just what is this place and what are they doing?

Now I hear an older voice that may be closer. A white service van of some kind just headed towards the houses behind us, but I can’t say for sure that that’s where it went and that that’s where the voice came from. Well, in another hour or two, people should head indoors as the cold rapidly closes in, and the dogs should settle down.

I think I’ll go listen to music.

Later…

The “kennel” has settled down. All I heard, but only for a minute, was some adult voices. They were coming from either behind us or from the opposite side of the kennel. I heard a middle-aged woman and a young to middle-aged guy. I’d rather a few spurts of distant voices than hours of distant barking. And I sure as hell don’t want any close barking or bass.

The analyst in me says the voices are from the houses behind us (they sound white!). I also get the feeling there’s something going on too, and that this isn’t an ordinary hang-out-at-night-when-the-temperature’s-pleasant-and-chat kind of thing. At least whatever’s going on is good. The voices sounded pretty jovial, and I even heard some laughter.

I just hope I can sleep tonight. I really need to catch up on my sleep. I won’t count on it, though. Not till we get into the house and I can run a soft fan.

I hear ducks or geese, but they’re no bother.

I hear that engine running as I usually do, but it sounds different tonight. Actually, it sounds more like a vehicle running. Something with a bassy idle like our car has. Now it’s slowly fading. Nope. Still going. It just faded for an instant.

Later…

The well, or the diesel truck, or whatever it is, began running at 8:30. A little later than usual. I like this thing, though, cuz it provides some background noise, even if it isn’t much. It only stays on till around midnight, though.

Tom woke up for a minute and said those voices couldn’t have come from behind us cuz the place is too deserted. After he said this, I saw someone drive up and park in between us and next door, suggesting that other cars were filling up the space closer to the house. I heard the car door shut, then saw someone get out and go to the house, but of course, it was too dark to see who it was. So I guess they were having a party and needed more space to park. You can’t park just anywhere on their land, and these people have 4-5 vehicles. Mostly old trucks, and who knows if they all run or not.

Judging by their vehicles and their house, I’d say these people aren’t very nice and that they aren’t very easy-going. What do you expect, though? They’re next to me.

Their house is older and uglier and has been around for a while. Of course they also have those two little shacks that are falling apart with smashed windows that are on a corner of their land closest to us. I’d say they’re the ugliest things around here. Anyway, their house is no big beautiful manufactured home, and they’ve probably been there for a long time.

They’ve hung out laundry today and yesterday. I get the feeling there are a lot of them, they’re poor, and not all of them work. This, coupled with what God’s had in store for me the last few years, made me think all the more that these were Mexicans, but those voices I heard, if they were truly from over there, sounded pretty white to me.

Also, where are the millions of kids Mexicans have? I’d think there’d be more evidence of it if lots of kids were over there. I’d hear them. Not like I heard the Phoenix kids, blacks, or Mormonettes, but I’d have to hear something to tell me they were there. So if they exist, they’ve been unusually quiet.

I just can’t wait to get into the comfort of that big, gorgeous new house with its master bedroom windows surrounded and insulated by other rooms. Actually, every room in that house except for the master bath will have just one exterior wall. The master bath will have two.

Tom’s asleep now. He told me that although he doesn’t have to leave till 1:00, to wake him up when I’m ready to crash, and he’ll leave. He said he’d go play computer games in the car or something. That’s sweet of him, but he hasn’t had much sleep either, and so I’m gonna let him sleep till 10:00. It’d be wonderful if I could sleep from, say, 11:00-7:00, or even 10:30-8:30, but I know better than to even think I could do this. Either it’ll be too hot or too cold and that’ll wake me up. Or the animals will, or I’ll just wake up just because and not be able to fall back asleep for a while. Or maybe a person or an animal will wake me up.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1999
We are now just off the freeway that goes to our land at the Hampton Inn in Chandler. Although it’s $69 which is over our $40 limit, it’s really nice. At least so far it is. It’s a far cry from the Siesta Suites. The only thing we’ve heard so far was the housekeeper slamming a nearby door. The doors here aren’t right next to each other either, but we do have a room right across from us. We’re at the end of the 5th floor. There are 6 floors in all. I deliberately picked something with more than 2 floors. Once you get over 2-3 floors, they really have to build things firmer and thicken walls and floors up.

I’ve been tired for the last couple of days, but fortunately, he’s returning to work tonight so I can get some sleep without his damn snoring! Even if no bangs of any kind wake me, though, I’m sure I’ll wake up once or twice cuz I’m in a place I’ve never slept before. That seems to be my habit these days anyway.

Even though I was tired this morning, I couldn’t have slept much past 8:30 if I wanted to. I guess my body is just not used to sleeping past that anymore. I may take a nap today like I occasionally do.

I’ll write more about our hotel later.

Later…

We just returned from Denny’s. I got a nice steak and shrimp dinner and he got a burger.

This is a wonderful hotel so far, and you get so much with it. There’s a little coffeemaker with coffee, dry cream and sugar, an iron and ironing board, a digital alarm clock, and a big TV with HBO. I’m not interested in TV, but of course, Tom is. He likes TV more than sex. We screwed yesterday in the trailer, but we wouldn’t have if I hadn’t brought it up. We could make the time for it just about every day, but neither of us is very interested. He was only up top yesterday for a minute or two, cuz it was very hot in the trailer. What was neat, though, was how easy it was for me to start with him up top since there was no room for our side position which sort of forms a T, where he’s on his side and I’m on my back.

I revved him up by hand before our brief screw, and man did he get hard! I still can’t imagine getting that excited without releasing it. Ugh! He has major control, restraint, and determination, on top of his fears.

Melanie, or Tisha, never left my appointment reminder message. Why, I don’t know. My only guess is that they’re too cheap to call long-distance.

Anyway, the only negs to this place are its ugly, dark, dull colors, and its bathroom floor. It’s a rough sort of odd-textured tile.

The bathroom’s great. It’s roomy and has lots of counter space. It was great taking a bath in the nice clean, roomy, modern tub.

I washed my exercise mat’s cloth cover in the tub and hung it to dry. I put the foam part under the cover sheet and blanket (I’ll cover myself with the bedspread) which has a nice velvety feel to it.

I hope I get caught up on my sleep tonight with Tom not around and with being able to have a more stable temperature in here. Last night I went to bed sort of warm and awoke in the middle of the night freezing like Tom did a few nights ago. I had to wake him up to light the pilot and heat the place up.

Although I’d like to stay here, it is rather expensive, so we decided that for the fun of it, we’d stay at a different place each night. I don’t know how “fun” that’ll be if we end up in a 2-story motel, though, but we’re gonna take turns picking. He suggested we stay at the Super 8 tomorrow (which I think will be noisy), and I suggested the Red Roof Inn the next night, which is a hotel identical to this place.

We checked boxes before leaving the land this morning, and Tom found the bitch’s mail, so it will go out as planned.

Even though I’m kind of tired, I’m really enjoying today. It’s been a while since we’ve had a day off to relax and go at a leisurely pace, but tomorrow it’s back to sitting in the car and dealing with traffic and construction as we go from place to place. It’s good to be busy and active, though. Gotta go to Mel’s, the post office, and hopefully to Casa Grande to sign the house’s loan papers. Naturally, we’ll also go to the trailer to feed the animals.

Tom’s gonna have to call the Budget Suites tomorrow. This was the place that didn’t allow animals that we were gonna stay at till we settled on the Siesta Suites. We had made reservations, then canceled. Well, these little moochers stole $58 from our credit card. Fucking thieves! What a spiteful thing to do all cuz we canceled. I’m worried about the dive we stayed in. What are they gonna help themselves to? They’re my real concern.

Later…

So much for getting all excited over the coffeemaker. Their coffee tastes like shit and the water tastes like bleach, as Arizona water usually does, so it made my instant French vanilla taste shitty, too. Maybe I’ll just have my wake-up cup and get my English toffee coffee at Circle K till I can get a cheap warming plate for the places that don’t have coffeemakers and my water filter.

I’d never have worked at the Harley Hotel in Enfield, CT if it had been anything like this what with all the extra things there are to clean.

I polished my nails. Each one’s a different color - pink, light blue, dark blue, light purple, dark purple, yellow, white, black, red, and green.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1999
Tom and I returned not too long ago from doing something I’m getting pretty sick of - running errands.

It looks like the fat tub of shit’s not gonna get her mail next week after all. I can’t find her envelope. It’s here somewhere, but she’s not worth tearing things apart for. It’ll just have to wait till we get into the house, but she’ll get it.

I was right about strongly vibing the white trash and the blacks would be there while we were, cuz get this - the blacks next door were moving when we were there. The older animal nearly ran Tom over running around the corner.

Can you believe the black lady next door smiled at us? Does she even realize we were the ones to complain on her? I’ve never heard of anyone smiling at someone that complained on them. Especially out here. Normally people are furious with you for complaining on them. Especially when it’s about noise.

Also, I think the blacks below us may’ve moved too, cuz there was a different car in that spot.

The white trash, however, will be there at least till the painting’s done. They’re now painting the studios. Yeah, it figures they’d do our building while we were there and not after. In the end, though, there wasn’t as much in the way of projects as I thought there’d be. Just noise from kids and movement within the building.

I waited in the car while he turned in the keys, cuz I knew that if I went in that office, and if that lying little cock looked at me wrong, I’d kill the little shit. As it turns out, he never said anything to Tom.

Before going to the apartment, we went to a place in Phoenix I had a hot vibe on. I was right. It turned out that there was a truck within our price range, but we didn’t like the looks of it.

After leaving the apartment, we went to Ace Hardware where we found that Durham’s rock-hard putty we need, and I also got a nice plastic step ladder. They were giving away free bags of popcorn, too.

From Ace, we headed here, stopping in Maricopa at Dairy Queen. It’s hard to believe this is also Maricopa. This here is so rural and remote, and the center of Maricopa’s rather ugly with its scummy junkyard and all.

We timed it today, and we’re about 40 minutes from the freeway and 20 minutes from Circle K.

Later…

I’m sitting outside now with Tom. We also got fly strips at Ace too, and we put two indoors and two outdoors. So far, I’d say it’s worthless.

Later…

Tom just went in to lie down, but I think it’s too hot inside the trailer so I’ll stay out here, even though the flies are totally annoying. I haven’t heard much from the area’s dogs yet. It’s still a little early for that. Dogs usually do their barking between 7:00-10:00 PM, so I’ve noticed.

The view from where I’m sitting on this little beach chair looks so cool. The taller mountains are towards the back and the sides of the property, but when I sit down facing the front, I’m below most of the trees, so it looks like we could be on a cliff since the sky comes down into the little trees and clumps of sage. Sitting down and looking towards the sides and back, though, you can see the mountains.

Later…

The sun has just reached the mountain tops in back, so it won’t be long before it’s set and this trailer can begin to cool off. It’s hard to believe we’ll be freezing and in the 50s late at night if we don’t use the heater. It’s cold at night and hot during the day. Whenever you’re far away from an ocean, you have a wider temperature swing between night and day.

Later…

Tom ran out to Circle K. I ran around outside for a while, enjoyed the beautiful sunset, and sang.

There’s a full moon out. On the 7th there’ll be a new moon.

The house is due in on the 1st, it’s to be inspected on the 8th, and he thinks we’ll be moving in on the 12th. I still fear rain, or something, will delay us till November 20-something, but I sure hope I’m wrong and that I lose our bet. Meli is a beautiful doll, but I’d rather move sooner and wait on her.

I’ve begun drinking a glass of prune juice every day to help with regularity. It seemed to help at first, but I haven’t gone today or yesterday.

Tom put pieces of foam - the same kind air conditioners use - between the screens and windows. This is to filter some of the dust the workers will be kicking up when they bring in the house and dig the septic and the well.

It’s already gotten much more comfortable in here, but just an hour ago, we were boiling.

I hear that engine running now. It seems to run from sundown to around 11:00.

I also hear different dogs in the distance all around me. Sometimes the barking is in spurts, sometimes it’s pretty consistent. Again, it’s nothing like the collies were, and it probably won’t be audible at all in the house.

I don’t fear coming across a coyote, cuz they’re very timid and wouldn’t go near a person, unlike wolves, which travel in packs, but all the ants out here make me pretty damn nervous. I’d be pretty scared to run across a rattlesnake, too. Another thing we may encounter would be a stray dog, and you’d be hard-pressed to find a household out here with no dog. Also, if they don’t allow them in their homes in the city, then they’re really not gonna allow them in their homes out here, and there’s certainly no leash laws here. You just don’t take your dogs indoors in the southwest, and you let them roam free in the remote desert areas. The only thing out here I think there’d be laws on confining would be horses and cattle.

We see that crop duster flying around a lot.

I think Tom’s back.

Later…

Ashley, who’s never really been healthy, and who’s always been sort of hunch-backed, was wheeling for about a minute or so. She never usually wheels, either. Not like Katie. She wheels a lot. Even in the daytime.

I forgot to mention that the two little houses in back, that are where the land’s divided into four lots, have had front lights on. I don’t know why, though, cuz the houses are obviously empty. All we could see between the two houses was a refrigerator. It was sitting in the middle of one’s kitchen. Their power poles look new, cuz the newer ones are metal, not wood. Our guess is that people are moving in little by little. It may take them a few months, but it fits with my vibes. I tell you, it’s gonna build up around us over the next year as we get settled. Oh, it may never get like Phoenix, but I’m talking about the lots surrounding us. And like I said, people and music may not be a problem for a while, but we could easily get boxed in by dogs. God would have me stuck with dogs too. And I know he’ll have me next to off-brands at the hotel we end up at. Or with freeloaders. My guess is that he’ll black out on me, before siccing Mexicans on me, but they’re just as bad. They’re all the same, but God forbid he put a white person next to me! Hell no! It’d be a sin for me to be allowed to have a white person next to me. There was to the left us in Scottsdale. Yeah, after we started roughing it out here.

Tom’s listening to the first game of the World Series on the trailer’s radio.

We’re not gonna bother turning on the heat and setting the thermostat tonight. We’re just gonna bundle up. To tell you the truth, I’ve been sweating my ass off so much that a little cold will be a nice, refreshing break. Yes, I’d rather be cold for a change. Just a few nights a year, though.

I’m packing about a week’s worth of stuff, even though we’ll be coming here daily to feed the animals. Even though I’m not looking forward to leaving here and returning to the smog, crowds, and noise, we’re both looking forward to having some elbow room for a change and to being able to plug things in at all times, rather than only when our gas-powered generator’s running for a few hours. Real showers and toilets will be nice to have again, too.

This 70s Terry trailer really looks 70s with its wood grain paneling and its upholstery design/color. The only good thing about the 70s, in my opinion, was its music and its TV.

It’s hard to believe I’m nearly halfway done with this journal and I began it barely two weeks ago.

I sat outside with the mister to try to get a little color. Tom says I’m burning, but I don’t see it. Nor do I feel it.

As much as I love Tom and spending time with him, I’m kind of glad his vacation is over and that I’ll be alone at night. His snoring is getting old. By the time he’s ever on days, and we’re both asleep at night, we’ll be in the house. I don’t know if we’ll ever sleep together or not. As long as we’re together, happy, and healthy; that’s what’s most important. You never know, though. I was wrong when I said I could never quit smoking or get on a schedule (it’s been 2 years since I quit!). The only thing I know I could never be wrong about is having a kid, but that’s fine with me.

Later…

Well good, I did a duty. My stomach was kind of gassy, so now I feel better.

Tom went to bed a little while ago, and when I do, I’m gonna pull the accordion-like thing that separates the back from the front to muffle his snoring a bit. This divider was mostly created to block sight rather than sound, but it should lessen it slightly.

Usually, when I do my journaling, I type notes on stuff I want to write up at the end of the file I’m typing in. Here in this paper journal, I’m writing notes on the last page, since it’s quicker and easier to flip to the back of this book to glance at notes. As each page gets full, I’ll tear them out. They’ll go to Andy, along with the house/land pictures I plan on sending him. The same ones I’ll send Tammy, Dureen and Art.

Speaking of Tammy, boy, is she about to get a strange and confusing piece of mail! From Bob to me. Yeah, I thought she might get a kick out of it. I wrote to Bob, whom I just received a boring letter from, letting him know I’m at a relative’s house in Salem, CT, and that he can mail me his visiting hours there so I can try to visit him. The sucker will definitely fall for it too, so there Tammy will be, receiving wacky mail from this inmate.

As I said, I never bothered giving any numbers or our address to Bob, Kim or Paula.

When describing the trailer, did I mention it has Venetian blinds? Well, it does. I try to keep them shut on the west side as much as I can. I’ve been keeping them shut at night too, to block out the moonlight.

I haven’t done any reading yet and I don’t know when I will. At least my books aren’t library books so I don’t have to worry about deadlines.

I wish I knew which box I threw that fat bitch’s shit in!

It’s quiet out there tonight dog-wise. One of the things I love about the house we’re getting is how only one bedroom wall is an exterior wall. You usually have two exterior walls in bedrooms. Even though there’ll only be one, and even though we’re out here, I plan on sleeping with the fan on low, but not my big box fan. I’ll use our wimpy fan on a stand. This way it’ll keep the air circulating like I like, and I don’t have to worry if Tom drops anything, for example, or if the animals have a night where they’re louder than usual. Remember, they’re gonna be right outside the bedroom, and I plan to go from 6 rodents to about 16 rodents.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1999
Another day of roughing it out in the desert! It sure beats living with blacks, Mexicans and noisy kids.

I jogged around the property at sunset. I’ve been jogging around the property a lot to release all my energy that gets bottled up due to sitting in the car all day while we run errands.

The view is just as beautiful at night as it is in the daytime. At night the mountains form really neat silhouette shapes around most of the area, but in a little corner of the property, you can see city lights miles away in the distance.

Besides seeing lots of lizards and quails, we saw a coyote! It was neat to finally see one, but it wasn’t here that we saw it. We were still on the freeway about a half-hour from here when we saw one dart across the road. It was so cute. Looked a lot like a fox.

I can’t wait to get into the house, set it up, and have use of the computer again! There’s just no room to set it up in the trailer.

So far, the only thing around here that could be annoying would be if next door’s dog were to bark a long time while we were outdoors. You wouldn’t really hear it, though, in a regular house.

When our house is set up, our house will be about 400’ from next door. That sure beats 3’, huh?

As I said, they subdivided these lots in ‘58, and we read up on some of their rules out here.

You can’t build closer than 50’ to the front of your property (I assume the same goes for the back) and no closer than 25’ to the sides.

You can’t have more than one house per acre. If our land were in the city, there’d be 60 houses on it!

Ain’t it ironic how we whites stole the Indian’s land, yet they’re protecting our land? Yes, the AK-Chin reservation goes through Maricopa, so it buffers it and protects us from the expanding cities. Cities like Phoenix, Chandler, Mesa, and Scottsdale are really growing fast, but due to the way the reservation borders near where we are, we won’t have to worry.

Between that, and the fact that yes, my lungs are actually better. Boy, do I fear compensation!

We’ll have to check out the new casino on the Gila River Indian reservation soon, but we did spontaneously pop in AK-Chin’s Harrah’s casino, which we’ve been in before, and we each lost about $20. It was fun, even though my vibes always told me we were never destined to win anything big.

Maricopa’s a nice, but weird town. You get the impression it’s a separate town - us and its central street. We go through its main street to get here, and you also get the impression it’s a one-street town. Its side streets are sort of hidden.

As of tomorrow, this trailer becomes a weekend retreat. Tom wants to stay in a hotel, a real hotel with more than 2 floors, so he can have access to a shower he’s not so cramped in and that doesn’t have wimpy pressure.

There may be no comparison in noise (although I’m sure I’ll hear doors slamming), and it may be more comfortable and roomier, but I’ll miss being out here. Still, it’ll be nice to plug in a fan and my portable CD player, so it won’t all be bad.

Haven’t done any reading since we got here, which has been nearly a week, so I think I’ll read soon. I want to write a bit more first.

Amazingly, I’ve written nearly 40 pages so far. It’ll be much easier typing this up, cuz of its spiral binder.

I still want to describe this trailer and our land, but first I’ll cover today’s errands.

First we ate at Denny’s, stopped to pick up our mail, then went to the apartment to get a load of stuff. All that’s left will fill only half of the car. It was amazingly quiet while we were there, but weekdays tend to be quieter till those animals get in around 4:30. Although they’re not peaceful, they really did quiet down in the end, but I guess they’ve figured out that we’re hardly there lately, cuz they were wild when we were there a few days ago. I’m sure it’ll be rocking this weekend too, but at least we’re checking out!

We also went on a wild goose chase trying to find all the doll supplies Jamie listed for me.

Got another state coin today. They’re quarters. We’ve got Georgia, Delaware, Maryland, and Connecticut. I think. We may have New Jersey, too. I can’t remember what we have for sure until I unpack.

Anyway, I called Jamie from the apartment to ask about Jade’s dress, but it won’t be ready for a few weeks. Oh. I thought it’d be ready in a few days, but there’s no hurry.

After looking in four different craft stores, as well as Wal-Mart, we got the white tacky glue, what’ll hopefully be long enough needles (although we’d have preferred upholstery needles), silicon, 18-gauge wire, batting, and I think that’s it, cuz we couldn’t find the putty we needed.

Got a 17” super thin vinyl doll to practice making clothes on. I want to learn how to do patterns. Anyway, for a cheap vinyl doll that costs $6 or $7, she’s nice. I don’t know if she’s supposed to be a white doll with a tan or a Latin doll, but she has a pleasant enough face with nice curly brown long hair.

We went to a drugstore and were unable to find fly strips, but we got the nail clippers we needed, cup holders, a tarp for the generator, more plastic silverware, trash and freezer bags, and the best thing of all - a personal mister. I love it! I wish I got it as soon as I came to Arizona. It’ll make tanning a lot easier. It’ll run steadily for 20 minutes. The water goes in a sports bottle and you can strap it over your shoulder, around your neck, or set it down somewhere. The part where the mist comes from has a clip on it, so you can clip it to your shirt if you want or to whatever. They had black, blue, green and purple. I got purple.

I forgot to say that we’ll still be coming to the trailer daily to feed the animals. How I wish they didn’t exist just till we got into the house! We should’ve tried to have them boarded at a pet store or somewhere, even though I’d miss them.

I stopped for Chinese take-out on our way back here, then he got a hot dog at our closest Circle K in Maricopa 20 minutes away, and I got my favorite new coffee - English toffee cappuccino. It’s great and you don’t need to add cream or sugar.

Still haven’t heard from the people who bought our house. Who knows if they’ll take our offer and who knows if they’re living there yet or if they’re remodeling? We drove by there the other day and saw no people or cars there. As for the Mexicans - all we saw was the van. No cream pickup, other vehicles, or people. I’ll be mailing that fat bitch’s mail out the day I see Mel, next Monday, so she should get it Wednesday or Thursday. Less than a week, Deb!

Let me break, then I’ll get into land/trailer descriptions.

Later…

You’d think it was a streetlight, but it’s actually the moon that’s glowing out there. It’s nearly full. I can’t wait for a moonless night out here so I can see all the stars. We talked about getting a telescope.

Tammy’s considered remote where her house is, and it is for being in New England, but this is remote. It takes about 20 minutes just to get to our nearest stores, like a gas station, convenience store, and Dairy Queen. There are a few other things there too, like a school and a church. The nearest grocery store, though, is about 40 minutes away. We’ll probably try to do biweekly grocery runs, rather than weekly, and throughout most of the year, we’ll need a cooler or else our frozen stuff will spoil before we can get it here.

Anyway, although the land lacks saguaros, prickly pears, Joshua trees, and ocotillos, it sure is gorgeous. Besides, we can plant those kinds of cactuses and some palm trees. There are no organ pipes, either. Just lots of sage, Palo Verde trees, a few barrel cactuses, and lots of gopher, ant, and maybe even snake holes.

There are up to four washes running through here, but two definite main washes. We plan to put the house just behind the front one where we have a couple of pretty tall trees. Although most of our trees are shorter than me, these are at least 10-12 feet high. We’ll make some sort of bridge to get across the wash, what’ll be neat; having a little river run through here when it rains. Although I suppose it’d be more appropriate to call it a stream or a brook. There are a lot of “bald spots,” just open, bare patches of hard-packed dirt (I wish I had my roller-skates) which really helped us when it came to driving the trailer in here. We went out and got shovels and rakes, just in case we had to clear a path. This was before we were as familiar with our land as we are now, although there’s still more to explore and learn.

The 27’ trailer is what I’d describe as being simple. They certainly have nicer, newer, bigger trailers than Dennis’, but it’s no little piece of shit, either. You walk into the living room/kitchen area with its 2 beds (we use the one on top for storage), a table we don’t bother to use, and its kitchen with cabinets, an oven, and a refrigerator. There are 4 main windows in this area. There are a total of 3 ceiling windows too, which we crank open. In the back, or close to it, is a bed (this is where I sleep. He sleeps in front), more cabinets, and a little counter. In the very back is the bathroom. I’m amazed that it’s got a tub. I thought it’d be just a shower stall.

All in all, this thing has pretty good cabinet and drawer space, but we sure could use triple this amount!

There are 2 windows in the back bedroom and one in the bathroom.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1999
Oh, these damn flies! Why are there so many of them out here? Well, they’re better than spiders and rattlesnakes.

Anyway, I’m sweating my ass off now while he’s taking our daughter to one of her millions of appointments. Thank God for Mary and Dave, though!

I should’ve taken his offer to go to the apartment, but oh well. It could be much worse. It could be 110º-115º, but it’s about 95º outside the trailer and about 90º inside the trailer. I had to stay inside while the sun was straight up at noon, cuz neither side of the trailer had any shade.

We were only gone for about an hour this morning getting more water for the trailer, some coffee for me, etc. I’m trying to lay off the food. All that hard work that it took me over a year to do in order to get down around 110 pounds has been thrown away. I’m an easy 120-125 pounds.

Anyway, neither of us has heard a sound all day (just flies buzzing) and I’ve seen only two vehicles go by all day. That same white pickup I saw yesterday and a furniture truck. This truck is from the same place we bought our living room set at, so maybe they do deliver out here, even though we were told otherwise. If we can’t find a truck, we’ll get a trailer and haul the furniture out ourselves. The living room set I chose is not what I originally had in mind. It’s better. It’s a beautiful, plush black crushed velvet set with gold trim. We got three gold and glass tables, along with a couch, a loveseat, and a chair. I want to get one of those cool-looking spider lamps, too.

I would love to explore the grounds now, but it’s just too hot, and it could be dangerous at night. That’s when snakes and ants are out, among God only knows what else, although he and I are beginning to doubt we even have any snakes here.

We haven’t seen any coyotes (we think we’ve heard some, though), or roadrunners, but we did see a quail pass by on our way back in this morning.

Tom said he “thought” he heard a baby for a split second this morning, but he couldn’t be certain. Well, I did see a young, motherly-looking woman and a toddler on our south side. They’re our only neighbors for now (I still can’t get a sure make on their color) but I just hope it stays this quiet if people move in behind us and to our north and front! It’s just too hot and dangerous for kids to wander around out here, so I guess the worst noise you could get could only come from dogs, as long as people keep their music to themselves. That’s the whole idea out here in this remote area, though. Everyone’s out here for the same reasons; to get away from civilization and other people’s noise.

Once he gets back, we’re gonna go to the apartment to take a shower there, even though their showers are very windy. Yeah, there’s more air than water. Poor Tom’s cramped in this shower, and there’s very little water pressure.

We won’t get there till the kids are out of school and are there screaming, but I still have the fan there. Another few days and we’ll be completely out of there.

Why the fuck were those kids on vacation in October, though? I thought you had time off through Christmas and New Year’s, and a week in April.

There’s a gentle breeze out now and if it weren’t for that, I’d be mighty hot.

Let’s see…another negative to the land, besides the possibility of snakes, a ton of ants, and all these bugs, are the weeds. They’re the same kind we had in Phoenix and they’re a bitch cuz they have little stickers within them.

I’ll get to the land’s positives later.

Later…

He’s still not back yet, even though the bitch’s appointment was at 1:00.

I brought the pig out who’s sitting by my feet. That’s the great thing about guinea pigs - they stay where you put them. The rats, though, have to be held when taken outside.

Still not a sound. I love it! Al H would hate it. I remember he hated how quiet Sun City was. Well, living like this isn’t for everyone. Some people like the noise and the action of the city. And the crowds.

The more shaded the front side of the trailer gets, the more pleasant it is.

Later…

We returned from Denny’s a little while ago, and on our way out, Tom tried to win me a pink teddy bear. That’s become kind of a Denny’s tradition for us. It’s one of those machines with a claw, and you try to grab a stuffed animal, but I really think it’s designed to be deliberately impossible to win cuz the claw seems way too flimsy to hold even the tiniest stuffed animal. It’s a clever way to make a few extra bucks, though.

Tom said he hates Phoenix more and doesn’t miss it at all, cuz driving through it was the nightmare it usually is what with all the traffic and construction.

I guess no one’s mad at me for anything and no one wants to gossip about me. Well, if they did, they certainly wouldn’t tell Tom, cuz they know he’d tell me. It’s still too bad they didn’t have the nerve enough to confront me directly with anything that might’ve upset them, but truthfully, if they’re rude enough to badmouth me behind my back, I don’t give a shit if I rubbed anyone the wrong way. If you don’t have the guts to face me, I cannot respect you.

I can now hear some dogs barking. It seems to be mostly a morning and evening thing, although I don’t think we heard any dogs this morning.

I wanted to clean around the wash, but it was just too damn hot. The days are hotter out here while the nights are cooler.

I found a couple of weird things: an old rusty knife blade, and an old rusty pair of small scissors.

We yanked Trail’s End’s for-sale sign out and laid it down, but I guess they’re in no hurry to get it back.

I had the pig outside today. He sat where I put him, for the most part, but he did decide to go waddling down to the front wash, so I had to grab him and bring him back. It’s a good thing GPs aren’t as fast as rats.

Tom and I made a bet earlier. I say it’ll rain and delay us from moving into the house as fast as we can. He says on November 12th we’ll move in. If he’s right, he gets to buy $200 worth of computer stuff ASAP. If I’m right about rain stalling the move, I get to get Meli ASAP. Meli’s the oriental doll I want. Her kit’s $200. I’ll buy her naked, though, and get her an outfit somewhere else for a fraction of the cost. Jade would’ve been $250 instead of $350 had I gotten her dress elsewhere, but we wanted to get a dress this time around from them.

That was weird. Tom and I could’ve sworn we heard someone’s voice just now. Out here? With the nearest house about 400’ away?

Every night, except for our first night here, we’ve heard a motor running. We thought it was a semi’s engine, but now we’re wondering if it’s one of those big well pumps that’s on a nearby farm. Thank God the farms aren’t too close to us what with all the dust they kick up. Also, some of those farms really stink. They have some farms growing melons and grapes and tons of cotton fields out here.

We saw this really cool little plane flying back and forth over some of the farms, dropping bug spray over crops.

Let me finish with the doll news.

I now have 7 Barbies. I got another cheap $4 blond-haired one with a cool-looking blue, 2-piece bathing suit with pearls on it and dangling pearl earrings. So now I have 5 blond Barbies, Teresa with her brown hair, and Christie, who’s black.

I have received all 3 of the Ashton-Drake dolls I ordered. Sacajawea and Pine Leaf are beautiful, but I need to steam their hair down a bit more.

I got Colette too, and her dress needs steaming like Patrice’s did. Now get this - Colette’s black! I didn’t know she was black. I couldn’t tell from the catalog, but it’s cool to have contrasting ballerinas, in a sense. A white one wearing blue and a black one wearing pink will complement each other nicely. Of course, I have other ballerinas, but they’re different. Patrice and Colette were made by the same guy. They look the most realistic too, as do most Aston-Drake dolls. Their dolls are of pretty good quality. Giselle and Liselle are much taller, and Christina’s a phony-looking goofball. Don’t know why I bothered to win her on that eBay auction. She looked better online, I guess, but her dress is rather pretty.

Yesterday, when we went to pick up Jade’s kit, Jamie’s sister Lisa was there. She was useless to us, but she was covering for Jamie cuz Jamie’s kid had to go to his orthodontist. If someone else’s kid holds you back in life, imagine what your own will do! I’m glad we can’t make any.

Anyway, I spoke to Jamie on the phone, who asked us to come back later. So we got some ice cream, then returned. Jamie was so nice and took the time to explain the kit to me. She went over the stuff we’d need, which we’re gonna get tomorrow. I’ll expand on this some other time when I’m more awake, but I will say now that her dress isn’t ready (so we only paid $260 for her). They’re making one for her since the ones they had were too frilly and too girlie.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 20, 1999
I’m now sitting on our land outside the trailer on a mini beach chair. Tom’s gone into the city to run some errands.

The reason I’m not with him is cuz I thought I had a cold. I was miserable yesterday with non-stop sneezing fits that began as soon as I got up, and that didn’t quit till bedtime. I even ended up napping at the apartment for a couple of hours while Tom went on a hopeless truck hunt.

Sacajawea came yesterday. I didn’t expect her that fast and she’s gorgeous!

Jade will be picked up today.

We brought the animals out yesterday, but the pig stunk so badly that I had him in the car overnight. Today, till I can change him, he’s in the tub in the bathroom with the window open and the door shut.

I can’t believe I’ve slept with no fan these last few nights. Tom woke me up a couple of times by shaking the trailer as he’d turn in his sleep, and I woke up naturally a few times, but sleeping here has been easier than I thought. Maybe it’s just because I’m here, where it’s so peaceful. I feel so safe and happy here.

I have heard some dogs, but they’re pretty much off in the distance and are nowhere near as loud as the collies were. As big as these lots are, I just hope this place doesn’t build up fast!

The people to our south have a dog. Tom saw a middle-aged woman over there when he was looking for ant holes, but she was too far away to get a make on her color. If she can keep her lifestyle to herself and not force it on me, it won’t matter. The property in back of ours is unoccupied, but there are a couple of little houses out there. I don’t know if someone’s planning on moving in soon, or what.

There are no houses to our front and our north side, but I fear that’ll change soon enough. Once we get settled I expect things to build up, but thankfully, it can never get as noisy as Phoenix was.

The only other things we’ve heard were some people shouting God only knows what off in the distance, and some semi’s engine running about a mile away late at night.

Conveniently, the weather cooled down a lot during our first night out here. In fact, we were freezing when we woke up. It got down into the 50s! We put the heater on at night, but all you need are open windows during the day. This is the first day anyone’s really been here what with all the errands we’ve been running. We came on the 17th.

When Dennis, who’s a very nice guy, was here getting the trailer set up, he found what may’ve been a javelina’s foot. Maybe a coyote got it or something.

Our mountain views aren’t spectacular, but they’re certainly beautiful enough! What I didn’t know was that you can see distant city lights from one corner of the property, and it is beautiful! You can see the glow of Phoenix’s lights way off sort of behind a range of mountains. South Mountain, I believe it is.

Fittingly, I’ve renamed our land Desert Winds, instead of Desert Visions. Yes, it can get very windy here. So much so that it’s loud and hard to hear Tom talking.

Seeing all the stars at night is breathtaking. I can’t wait till there’s no moon. The stars are so much easier to see without all those city lights.

So far, neither of us has heard or seen any snakes, huge spiders, or coyotes, although Tom said he thought he heard one off in the distance. I’d rather that than come across a snake.

Later…

Tom’s back. He got us a nice generator.

Only two cars have driven by so far today, which surprises Tom. He expected two cars in a week. I saw a white pickup go by once and a brown car go by twice.

They made this so-called subdivision in 1958. I guess someone thought it’d build up back then, but it will sooner or later, which is a sad thought. We need to preserve some of this beautiful, spacious natural desert. To think of having subsidized blacks and Mexicans out here, trashing the place, and with their loud music and their rude, selfish, hostile ways makes me utterly sick. I just hope it isn’t in my lifetime, but I won’t hold my breath.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1999
Between the Trailer and Hotels…

Today we met Dennis, the guy Tom’s known for three years, at the Harrah’s casino on one of the Indian reservations. Actually, we met him near it. The tribal police told him he couldn’t hang out by the casino. Fortunately, we came by minutes afterward, or else we wouldn’t have seen him going further down the road.

He is a very nice guy and the trailer’s pretty nice too, but I’ll write about it out at the land cuz I’ll have plenty of free time then.

Later…

Just thought I’d jot down a few more lines.

That black bitch should’ve gotten my mail by now. Oh, how I hope she reads it! Especially the good parts. And oh, how I wish I could be a fly on her wall to see her reaction when she got the stuff! I’m sure it didn’t take her too long to figure out who it was from.

Speaking of blacks - I don’t think the ones next door have been home all day, believe it or not, since they never seemed to go anywhere. It’s been too quiet. But then again, see what I mean? It’s the “quiet end time.”

I mailed Andy a 7-minute phone card. No letter or anything else. Just the card, which I got a few weeks ago and was gonna mail then.

Tom says all the stuff we have here at the apartment will fit just fine in the trailer, but I doubt it. If we have to put anything in our mini storage, then we will. I just hope we don’t end up with half the stuff in the big storage bin being smashed.

The trailer doesn’t seem to be as long as 27’, but once again, I’ll get to that some other time. My hand already hurts from writing, cuz it’s been so long since I did it regularly. Also, my handwriting is a nightmare!

I hope we find a cheap old used pickup tomorrow. We need it! That way, we can not only have a backup vehicle, but we can also get out of here in one trip.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1999
More family problems. However, it’s on his side so it’s not nothing compared to what I went through with those on my side. It’s petty shit, but at the same time, I was both hurt and angry to find out through Tom’s mom that Evie may’ve been rather offended by my request that she doesn’t bring the kids to the house to visit till they’re older. She told me that that was no problem because they use sitters all the time anyway, but it appears that it just may be a problem after all. I hate someone that can’t tell me when I’ve upset them. Why do people always have to go to someone else, huh? What are they afraid of? I went through this shit with Andy for years. He’d bitch to me about Miles or someone, and I’d be like - Andy, you’re telling the wrong person how you feel! Did you ever think of confronting the source and going directly to the person that’s pissed you off and letting them know how you feel?

It’s no wonder so many people don’t get along. They don’t communicate.

I feel betrayed by his mom, but mostly by Evie. I see this as gossiping, although he says he sees it as expressing their opinions. Yeah, I didn’t expect him to see it like I see it, but oh well. Although I feel his mom gossips a lot, most of her talk is about Evie, Nickolena and Parker. I guess they’re her favorites. I told him I don’t want anything to do with Evie from here on out, but that he could do what he wanted as far as allowing Mom, Mary, and Dave to visit. It wouldn’t be right of me, like he said, to tell him his own family can’t visit just cuz mine can’t, and I can be polite while they visit. We both can live without Evie, though. I told Tom I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if Mary disliked me and talked shit about me (it’s a feeling I’ve always had). He said, who cares? Well, normally I wouldn’t want someone who had not-so-nice things to say about me visiting, but no, I don’t care, and I can live with it and with her visiting. I care if Tom says something bad to me or thinks something bad about me, but others, I’m just not so picky about. I let Evie know I was both hurt and upset to have found out through Mom that she was offended by my request and that I really wished she’d come to me with anything that offended her. I told her I still love her and David and the kids and am very sorry if I upset her in any way, but perhaps it’s best we ignore each other and that I remove her from my email list. That way I don’t have to worry about finding out from someone that I offended her again. I certainly don’t want to be a problem for her, I told her.

Speaking of letting people know how I feel, I won’t be leaving any notes here. They already know how we feel about them and this place and they aren’t worth the time and energy a note would take.

The black and white beasts were sitting right smack outside our patio. I just don’t get this sitting on other people’s patios, yards, etc. Is something wrong with their own? They’re still quieter than they were when we first got here, although I do hear an occasional bump, bang, or scream. I guess not all kids are on vacation. We’ve seen some school buses around. God just had to make sure the kids next to me were out of school, though! I think the reason he’s been siccing kids and their noise on me for so long is to make up for and to compensate me for the fact that I get to get out of having it inside my own home for 18 years. Thank God, too!

I don’t know if remembered to write about this, but once when we were out by the land, Tom ran over a big rattlesnake. I didn’t see it, though. I had my head down looking at maps or something. That’s something I’m not looking forward to having to deal with out there. He said I may never see one, but I’m sure I will. And God only knows if I’ll be seeing tarantulas too, and other huge, terrifying spiders. It also sucks that there are just as many ants and other insects out there. Maybe more.

Tom said he was told a house once existed on our land, but we think they must be mistaken, or else we’d have seen some remnants of it, wouldn’t we?

Before we get regular trash services, we’re gonna throw our bags of trash and put them in the trunk of the car to take once a week to put in Mary’s alley when he visits the mouth. One of the mouths, anyway.

Also, we have to use special toilet paper that’ll break up in the acid that’s in the shithole.

The other day I wanted to browse through an adult store, but Tom reminded me that he’s uncomfortable in those places. And he says he’d be OK with discussing his sexual ways with a doctor? I don’t think so! He’d be very uncomfortable and embarrassed to discuss it with anyone else, but he wouldn’t want to and he doesn’t have to. I know how much he enjoys cumless sex and I want him to have what he wants. Even if I started wanting a kid again, I still wouldn’t want him to sacrifice the sex he likes, not that I could conceive the natural way. He’s a very old-fashioned guy, though, trust me.

I seriously wonder about something, though. Most women do want kids and wouldn’t give that up for a guy who’s like Tom is in bed. Well, 35 years is an awfully long time for such a great guy to be alone, and I really wonder if it could be because of his not cumming. Although, it’d depend on whether or not they were on birth control. I don’t think he’d be the way he is if I had been on birth control all along. Yes, he likes not cumming, but I still also believe it’s a fear thing and I always will. He told me he came with his first wife. Well, she was on birth control. Well, as long as he’s happy - and hey - he keeps the sheets dry while he’s doing what he likes/wants, so why not?

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 13, 1999
Can you believe the kids are on vacation from school this week? I can. Yeah, God just had to make sure it was while he knew we were going to be here. What is he trying to tell me by rubbing kids and blacks in my face like this year after year?! Anyway, they’re still quieter than they used to be for people who don’t go anywhere but to school and maybe work, too. I stay in the bedroom with the fan or music on most of the time, and it’s only for about another week or so anyway. Also, maybe, just maybe, mama black will have some compassion when it comes to her blacks in light of the poor old man who moved in below them. He’s obviously terminally ill. He must’ve been living far out like where we’re going, then came into town as he got closer to death. He’s in a hospital bed right by the living room window in which curtains are wide open. A couple of women, probably a family member and a nurse, are with him. I guess people out here really don’t care for privacy that much. Either that or the window’s wide open so that the guy feels more a part of life and less cooped up and isolated. What a way to go, though, with kids running around screaming on top of you. Like I said, though, maybe his presence, along with the fact that we’ve only got a week left and things usually quiet down right before I leave somewhere, will impact how much those kids are rambunctious. I haven’t heard any screaming today, but most people just don’t give a shit, so who knows what they’ll do from here on out? At least it won’t matter after a week or so, rather than in six years.

Next door to our left still appears vacant, but last night and this morning I could’ve sworn I heard someone over there. Maybe it was just the blacks below us. Could’ve even been the people next to the blacks, since these walls are just like the Vista and Crystal Creek. They’re kind of in between NHA walls and regular walls.

I can’t believe those Mexicans never woke me up during the four months I was stuck with them. Without the fan, they would’ve. That is until I made them not wake me up. Things could’ve been a lot worse as far as that goes with both the blacks and the Mexicans, and therefore, I would’ve definitely been forced to go after them and fight for my sleep. That’s what I should’ve done while I was at the NHA, even though I still wanted out of that hell hole, and even though it wasn’t Barbara’s fault that the walls were as thin as they were. You can only go so far when it comes to controlling kids, too. They’re like wild animals that just cannot be tamed for the first ten years or so of their lives.

The weather’s been hot, but beautiful, and I really think God’s going to have it rain like hell once the house gets delivered. I know he will. That’s totally something he would do to us. He’s gonna make sure the weather gets in our way and stalls us from getting into that house.

I just hate having to count down the days all over again. First I had to anxiously await getting out of Phoenix, and now here.

Anyway, today we went to get ideas for things like a CD changer, washers and dryers, and things like that at Best Buy.

Then we went to Border’s where I got a regular-sized lined journal for writing in the trailer as a way of conserving energy with bright neon hearts on its cover. Its pages are purple on one side, and green on the other. Both sides have floral borders. I also got a cool unlined sketchbook. It’s bigger, and it too is hardcover. I forgot to get some pencils, though, since mine are packed. It’s one of those with two pictures, and you see different ones depending on the angle from which you view it. One scene has a light blue day sky with suns, birds, butterflies, and ladybugs. The other has a dark blue night sky with moons, planets, stars, and comets. I have it leaning against the bedroom wall and it’s so cool when you walk by it, cuz it changes from night to day and back and forth.

After Border’s, we went to a Jack-n-the-Box drive-through, and as we were heading to sit and eat in the shadier parking lot of the wallpaper store, some fucking Mexican nearly hit us and caused us to spill our drink. Fucking Mexicans! There’s just no getting away from them and their fucking shit!

Tom and I looked in both the wallpaper store and at the house floor plan and made tentative plans for what would go where. The only thing I don’t like about the house, but only when it comes to murals and border accents, is its slanted ceilings and its vertical strips every foot or so. Tom says we can take those off, and hopefully there won’t be too big of a gap in between the wallboards so we won’t have to tape them and put that joint compound in between them, to keep us from accidentally poking a hole in the mural or border.

They only had a couple of mural scenes I liked, although some of the woods and waterfalls are nice enough, too. I’ve decided on a palm tree mural for the den and a night city scene for the bedroom. As for borders, man did they have a lot of adorable ones! I’m gonna get a variety of ones with fairies, ballerinas, dogs, cats, tie-dye, and cactuses. They also have door murals, but I don’t want too much to clash with each other, so I may put a door mural on the side of the cabinets that you can see from the pet room and dining area that’s just outside my office, so it won’t clash with other borders or murals. Obviously, I’ll only border areas that don’t have murals, cuz it’d look pretty stupid, for example, if I had cats bordering a room that had a palm tree mural in it, or ballerinas bordering a room with a city scene. I’m not gonna border rooms like the guest room or the baths, cuz I won’t see those as much, and what I’ve already decided on is expensive enough.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 1999
I don’t believe it! I just don’t. The H’s true colors are coming out. This is exactly what I mean when I bitch about God not letting us get ahead in life and having past people, places, and things reach out and grab us just when we thought we were rid of them for good. I guess they’re not so easygoing after all, cuz they fucking complained about the side of the house being trashed with roofing stuff (they didn’t make any offers or ask for any money. Not yet, anyway). It’s not that Tom didn’t want to clean that or the stuff he left on the patio and in the garage and it’s not that he didn’t want to vacuum the house, but he just didn’t have time. I suppose I’d complain too, if I had dogs whose paws could get hurt on those roofing nails that I was gonna keep outside all the time, but still - isn’t it a little late for that? That’s not our fucking house or our responsibility anymore. We already gave them the keys. So Tom stupidly made them an offer that he feels is reasonable and that he feels would avoid us possibly having to go through the hassles of court, not that they could win since they now officially own the house. He offered $250 for either them or him to hire someone to clean it up. Fine, but if they think they’re gonna turn into little mooches and continually complain and try to weasel money out of us, they’ve got another thing coming to them. A part of me understands their complaint, but another part of me wants to slap them silly! And I was just saying to myself the other day how I hoped the blacks were leaving them alone too, since they had seemed so nice, making such a great offer on the house, and so quickly. Well, I hope those Mexicans make them miserable nonetheless with their trash and with their antics. The question is, though, what are they gonna do about that - complain to us about their music, about their trash in the yard, about all the people? They’ll be sorry if they do.

Yes, they do deserve a letter of some kind from me, don’t they? I’ll give it a few months, but I’ll either send them a wacky letter or maybe even a letter posing as the Mexicans, complaining about all the barking.

Speaking of all the barking - Gloria, in back, is not gonna be a happy camper. I know she hated those two collies just as much as I did, and now she’ll have five of them to listen to. I sure as hell had to listen to a lot of barking today myself. I felt so bad for Mary’s neighbors, remembering all too well all the barking I had to endure so close by, year after year.

Yes, we went over there to do laundry and to put up the handrail in Ma’s bathroom. It took him no time at all. He had to buy more drill bits, though, cuz they don’t even own a drill, let alone drill bits, and his are packed.

No one was there while we were there. He put the dog out back that barked and barked non-stop, and as usual, the place was a total pigsty. The place was caked with dirt and dust, and the clutter and garbage were horrendous. There’s no way in hell someone could live like that without actually liking it. Well, to each their own as far as living style goes, I guess.

Anyway, she had a nice, big washer and dryer in a little room at the back of their carport.

According to Mary’s scale, I’m about 120 pounds. Yeah, I knew I’d gained weight since leaving Phoenix. I can tell by how my clothes fit, although Tom says he can’t see it. He says all the walking I’ve been doing has kept me from gaining inches. Well, it is true that I did have more inches for the pounds the last time I was in the 120s, but still, I’m quite the chub. I could easily afford to shed a good 20 pounds and get into shape, but that’s hopefully going to be done once we get into the house and get an exercise machine of some kind.

After leaving Mary’s, we went to JB’s where I got a scallop and fries lunch, topped off with a slice of pecan pie. He got a burger and fries. He doesn’t like as many things as I do. Primarily he likes hot dogs, burgers, pork chops, steak, omelets, chili, and ham and cheese sandwiches.

We finally ordered a couple of CDs from our CD club the other day online. I ordered Trio 2 with Linda, Dolly, and Emmylou. It’s been so long since I got their first Trio album. I was on Oswego St. in Springfield at the time, so it was in the late 80s. I also ordered a Heart CD.

We’re thinking of things to do to conserve energy in the trailer, and are still looking for a reasonable generator, as well as a backup vehicle. We decided on getting a portable CD player and me a journal to write in like I used to, instead of using the computer. We certainly won’t be online during this time either, that’s for sure.

We’ll probably sleep here about five more days, then we’ll still keep the place till right around the 24th which is what we’re paid up till, but will be moving stuff out little by little.

According to what they say, we’ll be in the house by Thanksgiving, and we’ll be able to see the house brought in, which is set for November 1st! I was hoping to see it driven in.

OK, it’s time to get to Jade, for once and for all, who’s still about a week away. I did decide to check out JBS Dolls after all, and yes, they do have a lot of realistic-looking dolls (they seem to range from about 24”-32” for the most part). But that’s just a small part of it. The wonderful part of it is that you don’t have to buy what you see as it is! You can take a doll like Chyna, for example, which they do have, and say give me that doll, but instead of having her be oriental, have her be white and put red hair on her! They have books of wigs and stuff like that, and you can also pick out their outfits, too! Never again will I have to worry about getting a doll with a beautiful face but who has a boring outfit, or a doll dressed nicely with a boring or ugly face! I probably won’t buy any more clothes from them next time, cuz they’re way too expensive. Anyway, it’s been a dream of mine to find a pretty mold like I did with Jade who I thought was the best-looking doll there, then tell them to put straight black hair on her, give her brown eyes, and put her in a pink dress, and that’s just what I did! They don’t glue the hair on the dolls they have set up in the store, so the people can buy them as they are (then they’ll glue the wigs on right on the spot), or have them glue the hair on but take them naked so they can buy their own outfits for the dolls. Then you can do what I did. I saw a beautiful 32” Indian doll named Jade, who had on a typical Indian costume which I don’t particularly like, with black hair without bangs. I told her I wanted that doll with the same Indian complexion in a kit, but I wanted her in a pink dress (hopefully it won’t be too girlie since she is a woman doll) and that I wanted her black hair with bangs. She says putting the dolls together isn’t too hard, and that they have classes for that for just $15. Well, we’re gonna give it a shot ourselves (all they’re gonna do is paint her).

I hope this is a potential money-maker if it isn’t too hard to assemble dolls, cuz then I could sell them and buy dolls for myself with the profits. I’d still like to have a redhead, a black doll, and an oriental doll. There were only a few doll faces that really stood out, and one of them was Shay’s (if that’s how she spells her name). I liked how her mouth was open and how well you could see her two front teeth.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 11, 1999
Tom’s getting the car fixed now and doing laundry while he’s waiting for the car to be done. I’m sick of our fucking cars not being able to get past 3-4 months without some problem! I totally resent God too, for allowing us to be hexed with the same old shit over and over again! We don’t need to spend any more time and money on cars! Why should we bother getting a new car someday, after all? It’ll only have problems every few months.

All its hoses are old and are cracking and leaking. Power steering fluid’s been leaking like hell, so now that’s one more thing we’ve got to deal with and lose money on. Why now God, huh? Have some compassion and just leave us alone and let us get ahead in life for a change!

I was going to go with him today, but I was just too tired, so he said it’d be no problem for me to hang back and for him to do the laundry.

Today’s a holiday, and it fucking figures there has to be a 3-day holiday while we’re here, huh? The blacks are home today, but get this - they’ve been so quiet that I thought they moved! Since last Thursday, they haven’t been banging and screaming like hell, and I haven’t seen the white boy, either! There was a cluster of black and white kids playing on the lawn down at the other end of this strip yesterday, but that’s it. No screaming outside the living room.

As far as I know, the room to our left is still empty. The room below the blacks is still empty too, and has been for nearly as long as we’ve been here, but gee, I wonder why! I should’ve put two and two and figured out that this place had to be empty as long as it was for a reason, too. It’s now more than obvious that this place was vacant as long as it was, along with the one below the blacks, cuz no one wanted to live next to or under a herd of blacks. Also, other people had to have been shown this room, just like we were, while the white kid was next door screaming out front and I’m sure that’s got to have turned a lot of people off. Not that it didn’t turn me off, too; it’s just I knew I was destined for that no matter where I went, so I figured I might as well go with the flow of what was fated to be since I knew I had no choice. Also, I’m still pretty sure the blacks are permanent residents. I wonder if the blacks downstairs are too, but at least their bumps and bangs are much milder and they don’t have kids screaming outside.

What I wonder, though, since I’m naturally a curious person, is what made them quiet down? I mean, I hear a few scattered bumps and bangs, but not nearly like I used to.

I have a whole shitload of stuff to write about, but I’ll get to it later.

Later…

Fuck! Those fucking blacks and the white animal are at it again! They’re still not banging as much as they used to, but still, why do I have to hear them at all? Can’t they fucking sit still and shut up? Why do they have to be so wild and make a scene? Can’t they live like civilized, normal people without having to be the center of attention? The white animal’s back in the picture again. The little black boy just ran out and slammed the door behind it, then went running down the patio by our place with whitey behind it. At least they didn’t come back so soon afterward. I guess they went to hang out at someone else’s place for a change that lives down at the other end.

I’m just so sick of kids and blacks being thrown at me like this year after year! Is God ever gonna let me disassociate myself from them? And Mexicans, too? By the way, there are still too many Mexicans out here, but not as many as there are in Phoenix.

I still can’t figure out what God’s been trying to tell me by tossing neighbor’s noise on me throughout the bulk of this last decade, and I’m getting pretty nervous as well as excited about getting out of here. I know that my time of listening to neighbors is coming to an end for the most part, but I also know that that means I’m about to trade that in for a new problem that will dominate the next decade, and this worries me. What will it be? Tom thinks that instead of having one big problem, I’ll have a bunch of little problems. An example he mentioned is how we won’t be able to easily run out to a Jack-n-the-Box. Also, there’ll be more dust where we’re going that’ll build up on the skylight. But that’s nothing compared to what God usually has in store for me. He’s gotta do much worse than that to me. I just know it. Even so, I can’t wait to get out of here! We were wondering about certain things about the trailer, like if it has any dishes. Should we buy a $50 microwave just for the month or two that we use it? Will the crew want to use the bathroom? Well, I’ll let them know as soon as they ask that they have to piss elsewhere, if not quite in those words. We’ve got to go sparingly on water.

It’s hard to believe that I have only about ten more days of having to live with headphones on. That is when the shitfucks next door are home. But it’s either them or my music. Tom was worried that the construction on the land would get to me, but I doubt it. As long as I can keep a schedule, and as long as I know what’s going on and for how long, it shouldn’t be a problem. As long as it’s coming from within my own territory, that’s different, and I can deal with it. That doesn’t mean I want to go for in vitro (not that God would allow me to have a kid, naturally or not) and bring a kid into the house to make the same loud, obnoxious, nerve-fraying noise I’ve been trying for eight years to get away from. Besides, I still want to be selfish and live life for us. I’m not ready to have to give up my pets or my doll collecting, either.

Anyway, I finally found those chewable calcium supplements that taste like tootsie rolls, and that are therefore pleasant to take. I lack calcium in my diet cuz I can’t eat much in the way of dairy products cuz my stomach’s too sensitive to it.

We looked in some stores Tom wanted to look in, like camping stores, electronic stores, hardware stores, etc.

We stopped at a car parts store yesterday so he could play car for a while (we’re still looking for a backup vehicle of some sort). I got scented deodorizer while I was there, though, but instead of using it in the car, I’m using it as “duty spray” in the bathroom. It’s berry-scented, but it smells more like just grapes than a mix of berries.

We spent nearly $200 on software yesterday. Yes, it’s been so fun doing all this shopping, and we do feel like we’re on vacation at times! Now’s the time to do all this, too. Once we get settled in the house, it’ll be a while yet before we can splurge like this again.

He got some software for building decks, as well as another book on building things.

I got a dictionary which I love, and which I’ve been wanting for a long time. For a long time, I’ve wanted a quick and easy way to look up words on the computer. It’s even got Gloria’s name in it! I thought it’d have Linda’s too, for sure, but nope. Also, it’s got swears in it!

I got a new mahjong game, so I now have three versions of that game, which is my favorite computer game. It doesn’t have a lot of pretty, colorful tilesets, and most of its background pictures are boring or too blocky, but the cool thing about this version is that I can use my own wallpaper pictures for the background! Can’t do that with the others.

I also got a couple of games that deal with ghost hunting. One of the games is based on a series of books by John Saul.

OK, time to take another break.

Later…

Two years of not smoking yet I still continue to be interrupted by congestion every other time I sing. I feel like God just won’t let me move on and get ahead in life. It’s a damn good thing I didn’t know I’d still be tight and congested before I quit, or else I definitely wouldn’t have put myself through the hell of it and the weight gain. At least I saved money by quitting, and gave up the wheezing and the chances of me dying in a fatal asthma attack where we’re moving to since it’d take an ambulance about a half hour or more to get to me. I’ve been more congested here and less tight (it’s either one or the other). It’s still so insulting to hear people say that God helps those who help themselves when this is bullshit! When is he gonna help me after all my hard work with quitting smoking by taking away this tightness and congestion, even if it’s just some of it?

Anyway, our black and white assholes have still been much better overall. They were much worse last weekend. This weekend, though, they’d distract me with their bumps, bangs, and screams, but only a few times and for a second. Not twenty times for several minutes each. I just don’t understand why whitey has to play next door or in front of our place. What’s wrong with its own place?

Anyway, I have yet to cover some of the purchases we’ve made over the last handful of days, so let me get to that, and the other things I’ve done.

Tom showed me an easier way to make calendars with little pictures in each square so there can be a picture for each day, as well as for each month. It’s pretty cool.

I had wrapped flossy yarn around the plain, boring white plastic hanger that goes with this pink floral plant I just got, but it looked tacky. So, I took Tom’s advice and took the hanger off altogether, since it would look good on top of the kitchen cabinets with its branches hanging down.

My mail has finally gone out to Joebitch, Tammy, Larry, and Andy, but the Mexicans’ are gonna wait a little while. As I said, I don’t want to confuse the postal people too much.

I got a shiny, glittery headband. Two of them, actually. I was dumb enough to lose the first one, even if it was only $3, while we were in the food court getting my chicken wings and his hot dog. So I had to get another one. It looks dazzling, and I’m gonna need headbands the longer my bangs get, that’s for sure. It’s looking better than I thought it’d look with the bangs growing out. I look older, but not geekier. I’ll still never have the face and body I had in my twenties, that’s for sure! I’ll probably go back and forth between having bangs and not having them throughout my life. At least I can cut bangs instantly and not have to wait for them to shrink shorter like I have to wait for the bangs to grow longer!

I got some liquid foundation to better hide my facial blemishes which are worsening with age, rather than my usual powder foundation. I’ve got blotches, zits, and veins showing through my too-white, almost transparent, albino skin. Got some higher-quality mascara too, and six bottles of nail polish - white, black, light blue, yellow, orchid, and magenta. I still can’t do nail art too easily, though, cuz this stuff doesn’t do color over color very well. Oh well. At least I have all the really cool colors. I have each nail a different color.

Believe it or not, I got a rock. It’s a beautiful $3 pyrite rock that’s also known as fool’s gold. It shines and glitters so gorgeously.

When Tom went back to Border’s to get another book, I got a true-crime storybook about some guy that was a trucker that’d torture women he’d kidnap along the roads and a 4-book series by V.C. Andrews. This series has four little books, rather than five big ones.

Still can’t find a big enough wheel for Ratsy. If I have a hard time finding Fancy mice, I may get common white mice. They are kind of cute, it’s just that they all look the same and are less calm. Even so, they’re active enough to be entertaining to watch.

Last Friday night, I think it was, I almost fell off schedule again. I was having a bad allergy attack that just went on and on and on. So I took a Benadryl and ended up napping, which almost threw me off schedule. This is so amazing, though, that I still can’t believe it! Me? Able to keep a schedule?! It’s been nearly two months now. Usually, when you change a habit you’ve had for so many years, you’re not usually able to have it stick the first time around. It takes several attempts, but I couldn’t do it without the Melatonin, that’s for sure.

Tomorrow, Tom’s gonna do up a résumé for a day shift job and call Dennis, the guy who works for IBM and repairs the computers where Tom works. He told Tom to call him 4-5 days before we wanted the trailer set up, although we probably won’t be totally out of here and in it till around the 20th. Just one more wild weekend! Then what will God stick on us? Another $400 to have to be dished out on the fucking car? I just hope we can find a backup vehicle fast and that God doesn’t have them break simultaneously, which is something he’d do.

Tom didn’t have time to do the laundry today, thanks to the cursed car, so we’re doing it at Mary’s tomorrow. Believe it or not, Ma’s still in California. That’s fine with me. I really don’t want to deal with her and her problems right now. We’ve got enough of our own shit going on. Tom said they asked for a rail to be put up for Ma and at first I was pissed, thinking - here we go again with their wants, but as Tom said, they know he can’t be a regular slave of theirs. One favor here and there is OK, anyway, and they are being kind enough to let us do our clothes there. Tom said he’d put the dog outside, too. Good. Cuz even if he liked me the last time, I don’t want to take the chance that he’ll change his mind and decide to take a bite out of me. Dogs can be pretty unpredictable, even though he disagrees.

I’ve had the headphones off and haven’t heard a peep out of next door, which is nice.

Yesterday and today we went to Denny’s. On both days I got steak and shrimp. What is it with these waitresses and salespeople trying to be so friendly these days? They’re more than friendly. They’re pests. Our waitress wanted to chat while I was trying to eat. We can’t go into a store without being asked if we need any help as soon as we step foot in the door, we say no, then they go into a spiel about their measly deal they got running, then we have to go through the whole damn thing all over again with a different sale person five minutes later.

We looked in a wood-making store that Tom wanted to check out and discussed the possibility of getting unfinished furniture that we’d finish ourselves. I’d rather not do that, though.

We also looked in a couple of furniture stores. The entertainment center, though, would best be bought at a Walmart or something like that. I might get this gorgeous smooth, shiny black bedroom set so there won’t be too much whitewash in the house, since the kitchen set, the kitchen, and the baths will have whitewash. So will my computer desk.

We checked out dishes at Walmart and I found a beautiful set I want to get that sure beats Doe’s boring set, although I do intend to keep her stuff. I’ll just store it away. They have a series of designs, and I liked My Garden the best. We can get sets and we can get stuff individually, so as he pointed out, it won’t kill us to have to get a five-dollar pan for his hot dogs if we have no microwave or a wimpy one from the 70s that the guy said was there.

My period’s being erratic again, but that’s just the way I am these days. I told Tom I thought it had only been one week since getting my last period, but he said he thought it was two. As soon as he said that, I knew he’d be too scared to cum, although he pretended to be close to doing so. Maybe he really was close, but fear is a powerful thing. Yes, he finally initiated some sex Saturday morning, which I didn’t think we’d ever have here.

I forgot if it was Saturday or Sunday - one of those days - we went to another mall we hadn’t been to in a while and they had a doll store. Most of their dolls were only $15, about 16”, and very boring. They did have a couple of bigger, nicer dolls, but of course they were the ones that were between $80-$150.

I got a couple of cheap $5 Barbies at a drugstore that were in boring outfits, so I could put them in a couple of outfits I have that haven’t been worn. So now I have six Barbies.

Got another 17” porcelain doll too, at Walmart for just $17. They have a lot of these cheap dolls cuz of the holidays, but after Christmas, they’ll be gone. She’s from the same people who made the Meagan doll I got there right before we left Phoenix. I named her Shauna. She’s got a pretty dress for being so cheap. It’s a mint green dress with white lace and pine green and maroon floral-like trim. She has a matching hat. She has a pretty pink chiffon bow by one hip with little maroon flowers in the center of it. Rather than her shoes being typical white saddle shoes, she has white shoes with daisy cutouts and a few pearls. She has dark green-gray eyes and long blond hair.

My best news of all has to do with Jade and JBS Dolls, but I’ll get to it some other time.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1999
Why can’t I ever get an allergy attack close to bedtime? That way I can take Benadryl without having to worry about it knocking me out. I had allergy attacks on and off all day today and when I finally broke down and took a Benadryl, I fell asleep for an hour. My allergies are still bad, but it’s only 7:00, so I’m trying to keep from popping another one.

I haven’t heard a peep out of next door tonight which means they can’t be home. There’s no way they’d be this quiet if they were. Last night was a different story, though. The kids were right outside our window screaming, and there was a bang so loud from over there that I could hear it in the bedroom.

The blacks and white boys were most definitely helping the people that were next to us on our left side move out, cuz yesterday the housekeeper spent four hours in there cleaning. I heard every move she made too, in these “close to soundproof” walls. It’s too bad they left cuz they were never a problem (they must’ve been white), but for all I know, the new people could be just like next door to our right.

I told the Mexican housekeeper (they always get the shitty jobs when they do work) that all she had to do was change the bed, dump our trash, and replace our towels. She seemed like a nice lady, too.

They never did end up waking me up at 6:00 AM like we thought they were going to by repaving the parking lot, cuz they didn’t rip it up after all. All they’re doing is resurfacing it.

Real quick, then I want to finish my book - we went to look at exercise machines today, and to a mall I’ve never been to before. I got something cute, something pretty, and something cool.

The cute thing is a magnetic puppy memo pad.

The pretty thing is a floral headband. It’s got three sets of three different shades of pink roses. Nine roses in all. I’ve been growing my bangs out and I’ll be needing headbands to keep the hair out of my face as it grows longer.

The cool thing I got was a nail art set, but the paint’s pretty shitty. I mean, I can’t do the artwork from the book it comes with cuz the paint’s so thin, but the six different colors are pretty, nonetheless. Part of why it’s shitty is cuz it’s not regular nail polish. It’s a type of latex and you can peel it off. You don’t even need polish remover. The six colors are white, black, yellow, red, blue, and green.

Before we shopped we got a few bites in this little diner with an obnoxious cook who was playing drums with his cooking utensils, and with these fucked up mini jukeboxes. Of the three songs I wanted to hear, only one played the right song. The numbers didn’t match the songs for the most part.

I think the blacks are in now, cuz I think I hear voices over there.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1999
I got my first porcelain doll (that I bought) one year ago today and that was Anne.

Anyway, I got up at 7:30 and ever since then, it’s been quite noisy between the construction going on just outside the complex, sirens, barking, banging within the building, and now the fucking mowers are out. I can’t believe it’s quiet at night around here. At 7:45 this morning I heard what sounded like a beat of a song being tapped out on a counter or something, but couldn’t tell if it was next door. Just in case it was, I slammed some cabinets right back to them. At least I can give these blacks their shit right back a lot easier than I could with the Phoenix blacks. I thought, though, that they left before 7:30, cuz I’ve never heard them here that early. If it was them and they left afterward, wouldn’t I have heard their screaming voices on the way out? Well, I don’t know for sure who it was or where it was.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 5, 1999
Tom called about an hour ago saying he might’ve gotten a hold of a suitable trailer. He said it’s 27’ long with a full bath and all that, but it’s 20 years old. That’s OK, I told him. As long as we get out of here, although it’s quiet right now, and the blacks did quiet down after that initial wild spree they went on upon coming home. It’s mostly my just wanting to be on the land and watch the workers work, now that God’s blessed me with one less thing to have to worry about - my schedule. Anyway, he wanted to know if it’d be OK to check it out without me. Of course, I told him.

He got stopped by a cop last night on his way to work for having a broken headlight. It figures, huh? Just one more thing we gotta deal with and pay for, but he didn’t get any ticket or fine or anything like that. He said he didn’t even know it was broken.

Tom called HSN and had them change our address, but just like I knew there’d be some kind of problem like there always is with HSN, he couldn’t order online cuz it didn’t recognize the address. I’ve been fighting for Sekarina, and now Chyna, for how long now? Long enough to know these dolls just aren’t meant to be. So now I’ve got $400 to decide what to do with. Should I go to JBS Dolls which should be open now? Should I look elsewhere online? Or should I get more Ashton-Drake dolls? Ashton-Drake is the only one reliable when it comes to non-store stuff. With them, what you see is what you get. There are no ordering hassles, and nothing’s sold out without you knowing it till you try to order it.

Speaking of dolls, I packed all my dolls since we won’t be here too much longer, and since we’re getting maid service tomorrow (unless there’s some problem with that, too).

I forgot to mention that yesterday when we stopped at the grocery store, I got a really pretty bottle I’m keeping. The bottle had tea in it which I drank on the way back cuz I was so thirsty, but for just a buck, it came in this pretty bottle with pink flowers on a green and purple background. The seal around the bottle’s neck has pretty blue, pink, and purple flowers. It says Arizona on it so it’s kind of a souvenir type thing too, and another southwestern decoration for me that’s pretty, bright, and colorful. I like southwestern decorations, but not southwestern furniture.

Later…

I have both good news and bad news.

The bad is that on the 7th, these mother-fucking assholes who just have to always have something going on are gonna be tearing up the parking lot at 6:00 in the fucking morning. The motherfucking cocks! Always, always, always gotta be doing something. This is total harassment and I do intend to take Tom’s suggestion and file a complaint with the Better Business Bureau. I told you they’d be off to a new project as soon as the painting was done. I can’t believe they have the nerve to charge the outrageous fee they do just to be harassed by them and have to listen to other people’s noise! What will the project of choice be after that? The roof? Are they gonna be running around on the roof since they can’t sit still?

I didn’t hear from the blacks next door today till 5:00 (just the kids screaming, but no banging) and for a minute there I thought they were moving or were helping the white trash at the end move out, but I don’t get what the fuck they’re doing. One of the black boys and whitey are moving stuff out from the left side of us, which is the wrong direction for either the white trash or the blacks.

Anyway, in better, more important news - we own the land!!!!! Yes, they closed early on it since it’s already all paid for.

Also, Tom got a deal on a trailer from a guy at work. We’re gonna use his personal trailer and we agreed on $100 a week, plus we’d refuel the thing afterward, too. I’ll write more about the trailer once it’s set up and ready for us, but that won’t be for a couple of weeks yet. Just two black weekends left, though!

I wasn’t out much today. Just to get new headlights for the car and refills in a new Walgreens. I got a couple of nice cactus magnets too, which makes a total of three new ones.

Believe it or not, it was actually quiet around here today, but it won’t be when they repave the parking lot. Also, if those blacks are moving, and I don’t think they are, they’re gonna be noisy with getting it set up for a new batch of noisy, rude, selfish blacks.

Tomorrow’s maid service day. It’ll be interesting if they do what I think they’ll do. I’ll tell them they don’t have to bother dusting or vacuuming. I don’t want them too close to our stuff, and besides, we have the vacuum here now, so I’ll vacuum anything that needs vacuuming.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 4, 1999
It’s prime black time now, so we’ll see how they are, but I don’t think they’ll be any different now that I’ve finally had my fill of these fucks and complained on them (so I won’t be leaving the letter up above. I’ll leave a different one). You know how those fucking blacks are - always gotta be the center of attention. They’re so rude and so selfish I can’t believe she even smiled at me when we moved in here.

We were out for most of the weekend, but when we were here, they just wouldn’t sit still. They’d be quiet for a while, then they’d get pretty damn noisy. While I was listening to music, Tom said it sounded like they were building something over there.

God’s forcing these noisy blacks and Mexicans on me and I just don’t know why! I just don’t get it! Why is it always me? Why can’t I live next to quiet, white neighbors, huh? Why is that so much to ask for? If they absolutely have to be blacks or Mexicans, can’t they at least shut up and leave me the fuck alone? Why do I have to hear every fucking move they make?

God, I hate blacks and Mexicans! Fuck the motherfuckers!!! It’s like - here we go again with the shit they bring. It’s no wonder so many people hate them. They deserve any hatred and shit they get for the way they carry on in society without a care for anyone or anything but themselves.

Anyway, I left the office a message about them and about the fact that neither of us was too happy that they entered this apartment without our permission first (they left another stool in here while we were out Saturday). That was nice of them, but they could’ve and they should’ve waited till someone was here.

The cock at the office called and talked to Tom this morning before we headed out. The fucking painting of the doors that just couldn’t wait till we were out of here was brought up. Tom let them know I have asthma and that we don’t want our door left open either, while we’re out. The dude said he’d paint the door with it shut while we were out and would do the edges after we left, after lying about having asthma too.

The cock said he’d talk to next door, and there was a note on their door waiting for them, but again, I know blacks. When they do consider those around them, it’s to go out of their way to deliberately harass them one way or another. Nothing will ever change with the blacks of this world. Nothing.

Tom said the guy said I was very angry. Even though he denies this, I can tell Tom doesn’t believe me when I tell him I didn’t swear or use the N-word any more than he believes me when I tell him I didn’t call the Mexican a slur, but oh well. I know what I said, and of course I was angry. I had every right to be. What did the guy expect? For me to call up laughing about it? I didn’t know who I wanted to beat the shit out of more - the blacks or the lying little cock.

They just got in over there and I can hear them stomping their asses off next door now and the kids are right in front of our place screaming. It just has to be our place that they have to play in front of. They’re not doubt totally furious now, but tough fucking shit! If you’re gonna run around like a bunch of wild animals, you should expect complaints like this. They gotta know we were the ones to complain too, cuz they’re pals with the people on the other side of them, and no one’s below them now. The people below them got locked out for not paying up and it’s gotta be due to either the blacks, the hassles around here with the painting, or both. So many things are fucked up around here. Especially considering what people are paying. They don’t even have numbers on their fucking oven dials, so I couldn’t bake my macaroni and cheese in the oven the other day.

I think the blacks are permanent residents and that the white trash on the end next to them definitely is. They must’ve done bartering where they agreed to let the guy, his lady, and his animal boy live here in exchange for his painting, etc.

I dig how they left us a note after they got done painting while we were out saying, thanks for your “coroperation.” Fucking idiots can’t even spell.

The blacks below us are also a noise problem, but they’re easier to deal with than next door. The fucking blacks live in their bedroom, constantly banging drawers and shit around, but the fan takes care of them a lot easier, but when I come out to do writing, for example, I have to go through the hassle of dragging my headphones out cuz of the blacks next door. I just don’t understand why everyone’s gotta force their ways on others. It’s not that I’m against blacks and Mexicans being so loud, it’s when they force it on others who don’t want to hear it that I have a problem.

Tom bought the six priority mail stamps needed for my manila envelopes, but who knows when we’ll actually mail them? I decided I’d let the black bitch’s shit go first before the Mexicans’, cuz I don’t want to confuse the postal people with 3 manila envelopes addressed to that same address.

Anyway, let me back up to Saturday. I still say Sekarina and Chyna aren’t gonna happen, but he disagrees. He called the HSN and they said both those item numbers were sold out, but he thinks that they got a new batch of these dolls and that they have different item numbers online. He had them change the address, and tonight he’s gonna try to see if he can order those two, but I’ve pretty much written them off as lost causes just like with Marisa. I still do intend to check back on Marisa later on, though, and on Glenora, too. It’s just that I can’t afford Sekarina, Chyna, and Glenora right now without going over my thousand-dollar limit. I’ll only get Glenora if I’m right about Chyna and Sekarina, but with my shit luck, she won’t be available, either. Between mid to late November, though, Pine Leaf, Sacajawea, and Colette should be here so that’s good.

After getting lost for what seemed like the millionth time, and stopping for Jack-n-the-Box we went out to the land. It doesn’t have the greatest mountain view since they are far away, but it’s still beautiful and I can’t wait till the day we finally get there no matter what God’s gonna do to us for it. I just want to get there and to hell with what he has planned for us! It’s absolutely gorgeous there and it was dead quiet. Of course, that’s to be changing as soon as we get there, but we won’t share the same walls with loud, rude, obnoxious, selfish little fucks, and they won’t be just 3’ away, either! The only thing I didn’t like was the garbage that ran through the wash over the years; mostly broken glass. Tom said it’s 30 years’ worth of stuff. I’d think so since it’s not like there are a lot of people out there. You can only see a few houses in back and they’re not near the wash. Anyway, we’ll clean it up as best we can.

We discussed where we want the house and took some pictures.

Tom spoke to Steven today, but couldn’t get in touch with Gravity.

We tested the road we’d normally take to go to Melanie’s and it’s about a 45-minute drive. Very scenic, but long. Nonetheless, we’ve agreed to stick with her at least for the rest of the year.

We stopped at Dairy Queen on the way back.

We were at a huge mall Saturday which was mobbed. It was either that or sit here and listen to the blacks bang around. They had a little cart in the center of the aisle with dolls. I’ve never seen them in an isle cart before. They were just so-so. At first I was like - oh, I have to have that Japanese (or Chinese) doll in the red satin dress - but when I got a closer look at her face - nope. I saw several different boring porcelain dolls in different places.

Just when I was about to give up hope of this mall having those Indian babies I wanted, I found them. And I’m so glad I got them where I did too, cuz no one else seems to have them with the pretty jewelry that mine have. Tom was right, though. They are everywhere.

I got $80 Asha, who’s about 10” sitting. She’s the crying one. After seeing a crying one today with its eyes open, I’m glad I got mine with its eyes closed. It looks more natural and just seems to go with the expression better. It’s cool to see the open mouth with the little tongue inside. Her hair’s in two braids. I took the maroon ribbons out that were on the ends, though, cuz I like the white rubber bands under it better. Both doll’s outfits are the same except for their colors (I don’t know if you’d call the material felt, velvet, or a type of suede). Also, Nyla, my other doll who’s about 20” long, has a silver/turquoise necklace and bracelets. Asha’s sleeper is white, and just like Nyla, only her hands and head are porcelain. The rest of her body is stuffed, but they’re stuffed a little differently. Asha’s is harder and feels more like a stuffed animal. Nyla’s is like a beanbag. She’s weighted to feel like a real baby too, and is almost as realistic as Bailey is in size/looks. Asha’s in a sitting position, although her legs do move and she can be laid down. Her arms move, too. She wears a necklace of red beads, with a few lighter colored ones, and an I-don’t-know-what-you’d-call-it around the head. It’s of the same material as the sleeper is, and it’s a strip of material that’s tied around the forehead with a knot in the back of the head. There’s an oval silver design made of aluminum in the front and it’s also on the chest of her sleeper, too. It’s the same case with Nyla, too. Hers, though, is deep red and so are her hair ribbons. It’s like a wine red, I guess, and boy is she adorable! Both dolls are very different than anything I’ve had yet. She too, came with her eyes closed, although hers are shut cuz she’s sleeping. I put Bailey in a sitting position with Nyla’s head on her lap and it looked so cute/realistic. I took a couple of pictures of it.

I’ve got Nyla, Asha, and Falling Star packed in the box that Nyla and Asha came in, which is a nice box with those little pieces of foam to keep them stable. Also, I named these two dolls myself.

Thank God I didn’t settle on that $200 redhead!

For variety, I put Bailey’s hair in two ponytails, and again, it looks very realistic.

At an outlet where things were dirt cheap, I got two outfits for just $4. They’re a combination of shirt/shorts.

Got a $17 fake plant with pink flowers. Some of the flowers hang down like a spider plant, so it’s really pretty. It’s got a boring white plastic hanger, though, so I’ll have to decorate it when we get to the house.

I checked pet stores for a new wheel for Ratsy, but couldn’t find one big enough. No one’s got mice and rats these days. That’s a bummer. How am I gonna get any more after we move? Ratsy’s still the only one that wheels, though. Porky jumps in the wheel sometimes, but only to keep Ratsy from pinning him when they play the game of pin the opponent.

Got a Lita Ford CD with that song I like that I heard only once on the 80s station back in Phoenix. I’m sure that once we get hooked up with a satellite again, though, they’ll play it all the time.

Yesterday I got a couple of puzzles to do on the dresser in the bedroom at Walgreen’s, and a magnet with a cactus on it.

We went to look in CompUSA, and then an excellent store called Borders. They have books, music, and videos. I got four books. A V.C. Andrews one, and a few ghost/murder mystery books. He got a book on making decks, garages, and things like that.

We also went to Denny’s again where I got my steak and eggs. This Denny’s had a very different layout from any other I’ve seen. A big old lady was sitting nearby. She got up, then walked past us just as the food was delivered and she said, “That steak’s bigger than you!”

Now that’s a compliment. Yeah, but I gotta watch all this eating I’ve been doing. Yes, I’ve done a great deal of walking, but you know how my body just doesn’t burn calories like it used to, and walking’s never helped my weight in the past.

We’ve picked up groceries along the way and went to Jiffy Lube for a tune-up, but you know what? It looks like God’s hit us with yet a new round of car problems. Can’t we ever have a fucking car that works?! God, we don’t need car trouble now! We don’t! We have enough to do! Have some compassion, will you? We’ve been punished enough. Tom says it’ll be no big deal, but yes it will be. We’re due for another round of car trouble, and God knows he has no place to work on the damn thing other than Mary’s driveway. Anyway, this latest shit has to do with the power steering fluid leaking, which is making this grinding sound.

Yesterday and today we looked at two trailer lots, but so far we didn’t find what we’re looking for. We’re looking to rent a little trailer that we can live in on the land till the house is ready. Like Tom told the cock in the office, though, we’re out of here by the 24th even if it means sleeping in the street. I just hope we can find something affordable before the house is built and ready.

We went to a different mall today and I ate Chinese while he ate pizza.

While I was there I got scented lotion, a free bar of soap to go with it, and some pretty, colorful, shiny hair clips. I’d really like to get these pretty, colorful rhinestones you put in your hair some time. The saleslady had them in her hair and they looked cool.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1999
Yippee! The blacks downstairs just left. They were playing musical dresser drawers all fucking morning. They get up at the same time I do. Anyway, they were so noisy this morning that I wonder if they could’ve been packing and if they moved out today, but I don’t know. I get the impression people aren’t coming and going every day here and that the average stay is 1-3 months. Any minute now I’m gonna have the blacks next door and little whitey to deal with, but we’ve only got 22 days or less left here.

On my way out, I’m going to leave a little note on the counter here giving my little review of this place. I’ve enclosed a copy of it here.

Here we go. Next door just started up with their shit and hit the walls, cabinets and doors. I saw one of the black boys head downstairs. I guess there are two different white boys and two different black boys that live/play over there.

I think I forgot to mention this, but we can be connected to the black people next door. There are adjoining doors in our living room behind an end table just like in hotels, but I’d say this place feels much more like apartments than a hotel. And when they get to banging and slamming shit around next door, it totally reminds me of living next door to that butch at the Vista.

I’m surprised I don’t hear much more in the way of dogs around here.

One of the things I’m excited about is knowing that today, when he gets in, I’m ordering six dolls! If all goes well, I’ll have Sekarina, Chyna, Colette, Glenora, Sacajawea, and Pine Leaf on their way to me today.

To Management:

For whatever it’s worth, I did not find this place as quiet as I was told it’d be. Yes, there were some quiet periods, and fortunately, it was quiet at night. However, on and off throughout the day and evening, I could hear spurts of banging coming from the room below us. Also, the people next door in #4 were quite annoying at times between them and their company. I could hear them going in and out of their cabinets for hours, and they’d slam their doors a lot. Also, their kids would be right out front on the patio and stairs stomping around and screaming for hours. I highly suggest you lower your rates if it’s going to be this noisy and this easy to hear neighbors below/next to you.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1999
And the weekend anxiety continues. Weekends will still be a bitch and filled with a ton of noise until we get to the house. And even then, who knows what gunfire we’ll hear from those weekend hunters? We talked about the possibility of renting a trailer and living on the land until we can get into the house. I like that idea very much.

I was just about to say that this has been the quietest day here so far, with just a few scattered bangs, but then the fucking sanding machine had to start up. They just gotta do something.

The reason I’m not looking forward to the weekend is cuz of the blacks next door and the white kid that practically lives there. At first I thought both families lived there, but Tom said the white boy and his parents live on the end. We’re the third one from the end and the blacks are the second. I’m sick of God sticking those blacks and kids on me! It’s like – enough is enough for fuck’s sake!! Well maybe, just maybe, this really is the last year I’ll have to listen to other people’s antics, but I don’t know. I’m just afraid that if it is, some new ongoing curse will begin in its place and I’ll have to deal with that throughout most of the next decade.

These fucking assholes really make living here during the late afternoon/evening hours hell. And the weekends, too. What I think is that the white kid’s mother works past when it gets out of school, but the black doesn’t, so the kid is at the blacks people’s place till its mother gets in around 6:30-7:00. This is why the fucking kid is screaming its head off with its many toys all over next door’s patio and not elsewhere and why I thought it lived next door (God just had to find a way to bring him closer to me). I thought it lived there too, cuz of all the time it spends over there. It might as well live there, cuz it’s only in its place to sleep. There are about 15 rooms per floor, with two sets of stairs at either end leading up here. One of the stairs just had to be right in front of our place, and stairs are a magnet for kids to play on. So, when it’s not on the patio next door, which is still too close for comfort, it’s playing and screaming on the stairs just outside here. And the thing of it is, is that I know these people will be here as long as we are, give or take a couple of days. I wouldn’t get all psyched up, though, if they left right now, cuz I know better. I’ve learned from experience that God would just replace them with the same old noisy shit.

Well, for whatever it’s worth, I do intend to set that guy straight that knowingly lied to me (not that I didn’t know he was lying) and let him know that it’s only quiet when the sanding machines are off and people aren’t going in and out of their cabinets over and over a zillion times and throwing shit up against the wall. The reason I’m not gonna say anything now is that I know it won’t do me any good. If that doesn’t make them all the noisier, it at least won’t make them any less noisy, either. They’ll just be like - how dare you complain on us even if you do have a point and we truly are quite noisy!

The only thing that’s different here as far as the construction of the building goes is that footsteps don’t vibrate the floors. If you’ve got someone that loves to stomp real hard like Andy, you’d hear his foot making contact with the floor, of course, but he couldn’t jolt someone awake that was next door by making them think an earthquake just broke out.

The only other thing you hear a lot more of here is sirens cuz there’s a police station nearby.

I can’t believe I haven’t found one spider in here. Just a couple of little tiny ant-like creatures.

I sent Marla my explanation of why I was walking away from Andy and can only guess as to if she’s pissed or understands or both, but it doesn’t matter either way. What’s done is done. On my third day here I sort of felt bad and a little bit guilty but I quickly got over it and other than that, I don’t feel guilty for what I did. I had to do what I had to do just like anyone else in this world and like I said, he’s not alone. He has others who are on his level. The poor guy probably thinks he’ll never see his phone message tape again, but he should have it by next week.

Mary’s dog Pepper bit Evelyn. As Tom says, Evelyn’s not a very nice person (she sits with his mom all day), but still, that’s all it took for me to hear and now I know I won’t ever go in that house again unless that dog is either outside or locked in some room.

Ma’s latest problem is that she’s got shingles. Tom said he had no idea what it was, so I went online to look it up. It’s fluid-filled blisters on the skin.

The dumb shit’s going to California with David and Evie, who Tom’s worried will screw up her medication. Actually, it’s Mary that’s the dumb shit. OK, so this may be her only chance to ever go there, but if she’s incompetent enough not to make the best decisions for her, then Mary should. She’s just gonna end up causing more problems for Tom and stealing more of his time so our lives get delayed some more. A part of me wonders if she likes being a burden to people and if she wants to be smothered by people doting on her. I don’t know. Either that or maybe she really is out of it that she doesn’t know what the fuck she’s doing. I’m just sick of her problems! It’s like - God? Yo, God? What are you waiting for? Take this woman and just let her be with Dad. She belongs with him. Let him spend the time and effort on her, OK? She’s done her time here and all she can do is be miserable and make others miserable, too.

Although I didn’t know approximately what month she’d die, I knew during Dad’s funeral that she would die when it was hot. Of course she will. So I can die of the heat during the services.

Later…

What a fucking liar! A total, total liar! I knew I did the right thing by cutting off Tammy. For many reasons. One of them is because she’s one of the biggest liars I ever knew and she simply cannot be trusted. Ever since she tried telling me Art’s voice went out, I knew deep down she was lying. Still, I was curious about proving her wrong and hearing for myself what a liar she is, so I called Florida, he answered, and he sounded perfect. Just like he’s always sounded. I knew that bitch was full of shit, saying anything to get me back in touch with them.

It took me a while to get through cuz the line was busy and I expect it will be a lot in the near future what with how I bluffed them. I did the same for Larry and Tammy, but they don’t know it yet. I bluffed them all by saying I sent duplicate copies of each letter to people they know, so naturally, they’re gonna be paranoid for a while and keep asking people if they’ve heard from me. They need what they’re getting from me. They not only deserve it, but maybe they’ll actually learn something from it!

We got our first sales call. At least there aren’t a dozen a day! I wouldn’t be surprised if we ended up back to the same old shit after moving.

They didn’t ask to paint our door today. The fucking painters that won’t be done for weeks are painting the turquoise doors purple. We told them Wednesday and Thursday weren’t convenient for us, and hopefully they’ll take the hint and just wait till we leave. I don’t need this place stunk up with paint at $850 a month. We’re already paying hundreds of dollars to hear next door bang and scream. We don’t need to pay for any more interruptions.

Later…

The white boy and the black boy are out playing on the stairs. They arrived at 4:22 on the dot. They were down on the grass playing ball, but whenever they do that, it’s never for long. They prefer to sit and scream on the stairs and the patio.

Nothing makes me sicker than seeing a child with a child, as I did at Denny’s yesterday. This child-mother couldn’t have been a day over 15. I don’t know which I felt sorry for most -the child, whose mother’s still too young to know how to take care of even herself let alone it, or the mother, whose life is over when it should’ve just been beginning.

Well, let me get into yesterday’s outing before I get backed up. I was hoping it’d be fun, but for the most part, it was a bore. We were out for nine hours, but we spent about five of it driving and getting slowed down in construction. This city’s so fucking full of construction everywhere and I won’t miss it!

After leaving just after 9:30 and getting lost, we arrived at Steven’s at close to 10:30 to finish up the options. The only bad news is that I can’t get that beautiful pink carpet I wanted. We can’t find a sample that matches what he’s got. I don’t want burnt mauve. I wanted the champagne pink. I’m still getting plush carpet, though, even if I’ll put rocking dents in it. I was right in figuring from the get-go that the carpet would be either pink or blue. Instead of going back to the bumpy spice carpet, which is sort of like a cranberry color, I chose Providence Blue. A vivid pretty blue that’s neither too light nor too dark. It’s a medium blue shade. Meanwhile, I’ll have more decorations with pink in them and it’ll look great.

His kittens made me sneeze while I was there, but they were fun to play with anyway. Minnie liked me and Mickey liked Tom. Steven doesn’t seem to like them, but Tommy does. He was so mean to Tommy at one point too, telling him to “just do what I said,” but Tommy seems like enough of a sucker to put up with it. He seems very submissive.

After an hour or a little more at Steven’s we intended to go out to the land, but it was just too far to Casa Grande where we had to go first. We didn’t realize it was so far and we were running out of time. Casa Grande’s a nice little town, though. We paid for the land in a place with gorgeous southwestern decorations where we had to sit on our asses some more. I love being with Tom, but I had to sit the whole fucking day away, between the car and the office. We had to wait quite a while in line at the bank, too.

When we got into Scottsdale, we went on a wild goose chase trying to find a Laundromat, which is scarce out here. First, though, we stopped in the store I got Anne, Edie, Rapunzel and Angel, and they only had 3-4 impressive dolls, but they were $400-$600 and not impressive enough to buy. Kachina dolls are a joke. Totally tacky.

Tom asked me if I had noticed the fem drooling over the Barbies when we were in there, but I didn’t. I just don’t get these feminine gays and masculine lesbians, and it looks like I never will. If you’re not attracted to anything feminine, then how can you drool over Barbies? And again, why do you have to look like a man in order to be attracted to women if you’re a woman? I just don’t get why liking women means you can’t look like one.

We went to a Laundromat that was practically right next door to the doll store, and amazingly enough, we were the only ones in there the whole time. I’m sure we won’t be that lucky next time. It had a ton of washers, but only four dryers. They were big, kick-ass dryers, though.

Our last stop was Denny’s where I got another steak and eggs dinner. It was good, but a little tough this time.

He changed the credit card address today, and tomorrow we’re ordering Chyna, Sekarina and Glenora! Yes, good news - I found Glenora online! Also, Tom had a brilliant idea last night. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this myself, but he suggested I look and see if the home shopping network has a web page, and they did. I was able to look up Sekarina and see that they have her! And Chyna, too.

Here’s my latest doll plan: I’ve decided to order Chyna, Sekarina and Glenora online. And Pine Leaf, Sacajawea, and Colette (another ballerina made by the same artist that made Patrice) from Ashton-Drake. That’ll leave $200 to get a couple of Indian babies like the ones I saw a few days ago. I’ll try again for Marisa with any birthday/Christmas money I may get, and go to JBS Dolls in March when we have more spending money. It’s just that I don’t want to go there and be overwhelmed with wanting more dolls and having more to pick from. Also, if I wait until then, they should be somewhat established.

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Last updated June 24, 2024