July 1998 in 1990s

FRIDAY, JULY 31, 1998
Woke up at 118. And I was so sure I’d lost another pound or two. Tom says I probably have, but due to where I am in my cycle, it’s hard to tell with a pound or two of water gain. He said comparing my weight on a daily basis won’t tell me as much as a monthly comparison will. A month ago at this time, I was heavier and my measurements were up a bit, so that spells progress. Once again - let myself gain weight. It’s how I feel that matters to me at this point, although he thinks I will lose weight if I keep eating as I have been and keep up with the walking. He says it’ll just take time. It’s nice to actually get full and not be able to finish some of my TV dinners. I save the rest for later, though. I don’t throw them out.

So, will tomorrow be the day that Larry calls? I believe he’ll either read the letter and call about it or send it back to me. I doubt he’d not read it and not call. Well, there’s nothing he can say to me at this point that’ll bring back that stress and anger, let alone get me to kiss and make up with him. We each said our piece and that’s it. There’s nothing left to do or say. My parents and he are a closed chapter in my life. They’re just like old friends I used to have and old people I used to know. They’re just like Jenny C, Jessie S, Monte from Shopper’s Drug, etc. They’re just old friends/acquaintances from the past. From a life I once had 3000 miles away.

I could still kick myself for letting Larry back into my life. Well, as he’ll see, he’s had the wrong idea if he thinks I’m gonna do it all again and fight with him a decade and 3000 miles later.

Later…

Tom tells me that he’s married to me for life whether he’s happy or not. He claims that not having sex makes him unhappy, even if he doesn’t bitch about it constantly.

I feel kind of stuck here. I want the old me back, but I don’t. I don’t want to return to wanting sex or a kid. I just don’t need the trouble it brings and his appetite’s too low to be wanting it much. I still feel that the more we keep the sex out of the relationship, the better off we are. Also, I have no desire anymore for a child, thank God. I prayed for years to be like I am now and not want a kid. I don’t want to want stuff that can never be, and I don’t want to drive myself crazy by fighting for something that’s not meant to be.

If I went back to wanting a kid (not that it’s a switch that I can control) I’d just be wanting the impossible once again and something I could never handle in the first place. And if I went back to wanting full-time sex, I’d just be wanting something I could only have once every week or two and that’d be pretty shitty most of the time. Or sort of boring. Sex is never as we fantasize. It’s always better in our fantasies. Most of the time it is, anyway.

THURSDAY, JULY 30, 1998
I can’t believe how much lettuce this rat can consume. Well, I can and I can’t.

As most of us know, my brother can’t handle rejection, so on Saturday, which is the day he should get my letter, I’ll probably be getting some nasty messages. All of which will be erased without being listened to. As soon as I hear his voice, I’ll erase his message. That is unless he throws away the letter or has it returned to me. If he does read it, though, he won’t part without trying to get the last word first so I’m almost positive he’ll call, but like I said, I’m not even gonna bother with listening to any messages, let alone calling him back. Tom knows not to bother answering any long-distance calls anyway.

Guess now’s a good time as any to go read and walk. I set up the music stand by the walker so I can read while I walk. It passes the time more quickly than music does.

Later…

I went around the house and rearranged family pictures. No, I didn’t throw away all pictures of my parents and Larry, but I put them out of view and into photo albums. I have so many picture frames and not enough room to use them all. Anyway, I substituted pictures that contained Mom, Dad, and Larry, with my nieces, Nana and Pa, or Goldie and Al.

Strangely enough, though, as I was pulling a wedding picture of my folks out of the frame it was sent to me in, I found two old pictures behind it. One had a man, a woman, and a boy of about one year of age. Tom said the little boy looked like my father. I thought that the man could be Papa Joe, but the woman didn’t look like either of my grandmothers, so who can really know for sure. The woman looked to be in her late 40s and back then, it wasn’t common to have little ones at that age. They usually had kids in their 20s. Nowadays, you either have them while you’re still just a kid yourself, or somewhere in the 30s or 40s.

The other picture was of a little girl about 8 years old. Judging by the style of dress she wore, and by the frilly bonnet and corkscrew curls, this picture had to be really old. Like the late 1800s or early 1900s. Probably the early 1900s. I got the feeling right away that it was my maternal grandmother. The eyes seemed to be dark and the face bore a slight resemblance to her.

Later…

Gosh, things have changed! Tom got into bed naked while I was reading. I just couldn’t do it, though. I just couldn’t go back to that destructive cycle. Nor could I get in the mood. All I could see was my not getting off, and his not getting inside me. I still believe he has his subconscious fears too, that he’s either trying to cover up or shove in my face. He ended up going to sleep, but it’s really weird how we wish to be a certain way or to have certain things, then when we get them, we have mixed emotions about them. I wanted to quit smoking for years. How was I to know that once I did, I’d sometimes regret it? I wanted to stop wanting sex and a kid, but how was I to know I’d feel like I was depriving him? Well, I try to remind myself that he didn’t cum for a very long time in the beginning. At least not by me he didn’t. So I’m not depriving him of anything. He’s never appeared to have a problem with infrequent sex/cumming and he’s still with me. I believe he’d always be with me even if we never screwed again, cuz remember, Tom isn’t your typical violent, horny male. I also don’t see this baby desire. Never have in the past. Still can’t see it now, either.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 29, 1998
I guess those two dreams I had about losing weight, really were the signs I thought they were, telling me that I would lose weight. I woke up at 115½. It’ll probably be a while now before I go down any farther. Once I hit down at a new weight that I haven’t been at since gaining weight in the first place, it kind of stays there for a while.

Although it’s deathly humid out there right now, I hung out the sheets. They should still dry anyway, cuz it’s also deathly hot.

Andy told me something else about Quinn and it may be the biggest reason he killed himself. We think that the smaller reason is that he couldn’t accept his gayness. But as for the bigger reason, well, there was a warrant out for his arrest when he died and he was looking at doing some serious jail time for drug dealing. He was looking at something like 20 years and personally, if I knew I had to do some serious jail time I’d kill myself, too.

TUESDAY, JULY 28, 1998
I thought that a good night’s sleep would rid me of my emotions about Larry and all that, but I thought wrong. A part of me is still pissed off that I bothered to return his call and that I didn’t speak my mind to him. So, I try to remind myself that speaking my mind to him about the shit that’s gone on wouldn’t change a thing. He wouldn’t want to hear it and he wouldn’t budge on his own ways and opinions. I don’t owe him any explanation anyway. We all have a right to feel and believe as we do and as long as I know in my mind where I’m coming from, it doesn’t matter if no one else does. No one else has to share my feelings and beliefs.

It also did me some good to return his call too, cuz it reinforced in my mind that dumping him was the right thing to do. It served as a reminder of just how vindictive and spiteful he can be upon hearing the bullshit he had to say to me.

Thank God I do journaling, though, cuz it really helps to get it all out, and thank God I have Tom. If there’s one good thing I can always count on in life, it’s him. Everything else after that that’s good is just an extra bonus as far as I’m concerned.

Tom suggested other ways to deal with those I don’t want anything to do with. He said I don’t have to “dump” them. I can just not return phone calls, etc, so I can avoid the anger and anxiety and all that. He said, for example, if I don’t like Melanie, I can just switch dentists. I don’t need to tell her I’m gonna do so and why. He has a point, but every situation is different. It wouldn’t be that easy to just ignore my family. In their case, it was cut them off and let them know it or keep on associating with them.

All I know is that my parents and my brother have hurt me and pissed me off one too many times and this was the final time. They will never see or hear from me again. I told my parents a couple of summers ago that this is what’d happen if they started up with me again. Well, they either didn’t take me seriously or they just never gave a shit.

I’m sure Larry’s told my parents that he was the one to dump me, cuz that’s just how he is, but let them say and do as they please. The only thing I suggest they do is to brush up on their lying skills. Bill only hit Lisa once or twice? Are these people even aware of what bad liars they are? That’d be like me saying I don’t live in Arizona. I’m not short. I’m not a brunette. Both ears of mine are normal, etc. I know Lisa and Tammy wouldn’t lie about how much Bill hit Lisa, and using my good judgment of character, Bill totally fits the kind. I just wish I knew that he’d utilize his willingness to hit Lisa while I was still there, but he’s very lucky I didn’t!

I’m sure it’s also just a matter of time, too, before Larry and my parents are dumping each other. If not, though, they can have happy lives together. They’re made for each other.

I called Lisa today cuz I felt I should try to warn and protect her. I told her I wasn’t telling her what to do, but that I highly suggest she have no contact with Larry. I told her there’s the funny side of Larry, and there’s the mean side of Larry. I told her that we were really close, as she and he had been till I was 21, then he was gone. I told her that by the time I was 21, I had been dumped on and dumped enough to not have it affect me so much, but that I shouldn’t have let him back into my life in 1993, and that if he could dump his parents and his sister, he can dump his niece. That is, not without shitting on her first. I told her that I was telling her this from personal experience and that maybe I was wrong. Maybe they could always get along just fine, but I felt it was best I warn her of the possibilities here. She’s gonna meet enough people that’ll screw her over, so if I can spare her from one more person that’ll just fuck her over, great (although not quite in those words). I also reminded her that nothing that could go on between me and anyone else could ever change my love for her.

She said she’d never let anyone else come in between us and she thanked me vigorously for clearing up her confusion. She said that she had been so confused with my parents saying this, Tammy saying that, Larry saying this, etc. I told her I was glad it helped her, cuz the last thing I wanted to do was add to her confusion and make it sound like I was telling her what to do. All I thought of was doing whatever I could do to protect her from any more future BS. She’s had enough.

She said she’s glad she didn’t move in with him and that she’s got her family there. Yes, she does. Tammy may make mistakes, and they may not always get along, but at least she won’t be hitting up on her constantly. And in a couple of years, she can move out if she wants to.

She said she was upset with my folks for not believing her about her dad hitting her. I don’t blame her. There’s just something about Lisa that sparks a sheer hatred in Bill and I think it’s because she’s “the other guy’s.” Lisa’s half of Tammy’s ex, he doesn’t like her ex, therefore he doesn’t like Lisa. It’s a lot like how Judy M hated me at first cuz of how she hates my mom.

She asked what about Jen? I suggested that as sweet as Jen is and as innocent as Jen is, she let her go cuz of the close connection to Larry. I told her that she’d have to deal with Larry if she wanted to deal with Jen and that sometimes you have to give up something you like in order to give up something bad. Like with the cigarettes. She liked them, but it was best that she give them up (if she really did and I sure hope so) cuz they weren’t good for her.

She also told me that Bill screamed at Lisa and told her that if she ever says such things about him again, that would be the “end of us.” In other words, Bill doesn’t like Lisa spilling the truth about him to people. As I told her, I’d be thrilled to end “us” if someone like him were in my life.

Once again, I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if someone in my family wasn’t murdered. Like I said, Tammy can call if she wants to, I’ll always love Lisa and her sisters, but I am out of that family! And as Tom said, I’m in Arizona now. They don’t have anything to do with my day-to-day life and I’m 3000 miles away. Well, I don’t care if I’m 1 mile away or 3000 miles away. I will not have anything to do with such lying, vicious people.

Lisa said she feels this is all her fault. I reassured her it was not her fault. She couldn’t know and she’s not responsible for other people’s actions.

I can understand, though, how she could easily feel it is her fault. Right now I’m saying to myself - You should’ve known better! You should’ve known you’d totally regret it if you let Larry back into your life 5 years ago. This is your fault, cuz if you’d only not let him re-enter your life, he would never have gotten the chance to fuck with you one last time. Yes, I shouldn’t have let him back into my life since I already knew just what kind of guy he is, but I’m not responsible for the things he’s said and done.

Oh, little Larry! Sometimes I wonder why it couldn’t have been your dad who died in the truck wreck. Why did it have to be you and not him? If someone just had to die, why did it have to be you?

Later…

I decided that yes, the only way to curb this anger and anxiety would be to give Larry one last piece of my mind so that’s exactly what I did in my final letter to him. I only hope and pray to God that he reads it, even if he sends a nasty letter or makes a nasty phone call in response to it. As soon as I typed this letter up, I already felt so much better. I begged God to please make sure he reads this letter as I do not want to have to spend my life being angry about this, too, on top of other things I spent years being angry over that I either did not or could not deal with. I had to get my anger out and the only way I could do so was to speak my mind to him. I don’t know if he’ll return this letter to me unopened or if he’ll refuse to read the letter, but I hope not.

Woke up at 116½. Still eating two meals a day, plus popcorn or crackers, and still feeling much better. I’m not hungry every second and I’ve got more energy. Still walking twice a day for 15 minutes, too.

I had my weekly, long chat with Andy. He’s still at Red Lobster. Marla asked me how his job was going, and I asked him about it. He said he’s still in training and not bringing in any real money yet. He said he can’t memorize their menu to save his life. He said it’s not a difficult menu either, it’s just that he’s got a mental block. He’s sick of being a waiter and doesn’t want to wait on one more table in his life, but what will he do? What can he do instead? He has no interests. The only things that interest him are the impossible. It’s like he’s the old me. All he wants to do is things he could never do.

When I read back on how I said I swore I was destined to be a singer in my earlier journals, I feel so embarrassed for myself. How naïve! How could I have ever believed for a millisecond that I could make it as a singer even if I was a 10+, could deal with the lifestyle and hold a schedule, liked people and traveling? Please! It was never ever meant to be. Not any more than a child or woman was meant to be.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned in life, it’s that things don’t necessarily have to happen for a reason. Most things do, but not all things. Just because God gives someone a voice, doesn’t mean he wants them to be a singer professionally. Just because God sends a woman a wonderful guy, after she’d been alone or with a woman for about a decade, and thought she’d always be that way, doesn’t mean he wants her to have kids. God just simply wanted me to be loved, and to be loved by a guy. And he wanted me to love in return, and he wanted me to love a guy.

He was telling me about a neighbor girl and before he really got into it, I asked him what drugs she did, since I know he loves a druggie like I love a rodent. Well, she does hard-core stuff and is now in jail for having a home drug-making lab. I worry about him. What if he goes down with these kinds of people?

Nonetheless, I feel bad for Andy. He’s in such a rut and is so confused and trapped feeling. He wants David, but he doesn’t want to go back east. He wants a career change but doesn’t know what to do. He wants to quit pot again but is afraid it’ll lead to his turning to alcohol.

I told him about the shit that went down with my folks and Larry. I kind of figured he’d, well, not side with them, but still. He tends to naturally veer towards the other side and not be supportive of me, although he was supportive of me, and as he said, I’m gonna do what I gotta do anyway. He said it’s sad that it’s come to me cutting them out of my life. I see what he’s saying, but the relief of having them out of my life overrides any sadness at this point. After all I’ve gone through with them year after year, and after speaking my mind to Mom, Dad, and Larry, all I feel now is peace.

We also talked about Michelle (you know how Andy loves to discuss others and how only a small portion of what he talks about concerns himself). He feels it’s sad that Michelle’s willing to work where she’s working for the rest of her life cuz she’s got a crush on her boss Helen. I told him that I didn’t see anything wrong with that if she’s happy, responsibly holding a job, and earning some money. And what’s not to say that someone will come and sweep her off her feet at some point in her life whether she works there or not?

I had started to print out my journals. Got the first 20 printed but decided it’s not really necessary to print out past or current journals. I have handwritten past journals and backup copies of both my past and current ones, but I’ll hang onto what I’ve printed out so far. I may want to continue on with it someday.

It’s been great next door. No dog. No door slams. This is the quietest summer yet. It seems each summer they get quieter and each winter they get noisier. The fucks have been here through 3 summers and two winters so far. It’s just great with that fucking black cock out of the picture.

MONDAY, JULY 27, 1998
Melanie called just before noon today asking if I could come in earlier than 1:30. I got in an hour earlier and boy did she hurt me! She had to put a lot of pressure on me and it didn’t tickle. I think I’ll forget about getting my bottom teeth straightened out.

She had her hair in a French braid, and she had a hell of a tan. She said she just got back from Mexico. That explains why she didn’t call me last Friday. She sure gets around. She definitely has no kids, as my vibes told me.

While she was working on me, I was aware of someone standing in the doorway. I thought it was another staff member standing by in case she needed their help like before, but when I got up to leave, I could see it was definitely her sister. It had to be. Her face was just about a carbon copy of Melie’s, only her hair was short and wavy. Not long and curly. She looked to be younger than Melie. Perhaps she was in her early 20s if not late teens. And I know she has a sister, too, cuz when we were talking about the things we like to do, Melanie said her sister draws, too.

After seeing Melanie, we went to the grocery store. I got a couple of samples of ground coffee. One’s vanilla nut crème, the other’s chocolate macadam. We also grabbed some other odds and ends we needed.

Since having two meals a day, I have felt so much better. I have more energy and I’m not starving my ass off nearly as much. I woke up a pound heavier today, but Tom said that’s to be expected. Like I said, if my weight doesn’t stay right around where it’s at, I think it’ll go up, but I’m ready to accept it and just live with it if it does, cuz I don’t miss feeling sluggish and hungry.

I spent about 3 hours changing and cleaning the mice, rats, and pig cages.

When we left to go to see Melanie, we saw people working in the freeloader’s yard. It’s not the same people with the blue pickup. It’s different people with a white pickup. On the way back, they were still there and they had a canteen of water on the block wall that’s in between their carport and the bedroom side of our house. I joked about going over and knocking it off. So are these people gonna be regulars? Are they gonna come every Monday?

Later…

The nerve of that brother of mine! Yes, I definitely did the right thing by ditching Mom, Dad, and Larry. As I knew they would, Mom and Dad went crying to Larry about our latest little dispute. Larry sarcastically thanked me for the postcard. Now he knows what it’s like to get dumped and I guess he doesn’t like it. It’s only OK for him to dump someone. I told him I got angry at Mom and Dad and perhaps I took it out on him, but then when he said to me what he said next, it left no doubt in my mind that I did do the right thing by cutting him off, too. He told me I hurt Mom and Dad unnecessarily. (like he hasn’t hurt them too, and like he has a right to judge me? Like he’s the boss of the family now or something)?

He also said something about not saying anything to certain people about his feud with Tammy so as not to cause conflict between us. See, he’s got the wrong idea. He thinks my dumping him is connected to Mom, Dad, and Tammy. It’s not. What he does about Tammy or what his opinions are about Tammy has nothing to do with why I cut him off. I cut him off simply cuz I felt it was best.

Then, to my surprise, he said Bill was a wonderful person and he may have hit the kids once or twice, but that’s it. I thought he hated Bill cuz he wouldn’t give him custody of Lisa. And it’s OK if you hit your kids once or twice, but any more than that is a no-no? Whatever. The point’s the same - I don’t care what he, mom, or dad think, say, or do. It’s their right to do what they want just as it’s my right to do what I want. I just don’t have to be associated with it if I don’t want to be.

So, as soon as Larry had told me this, which took about a minute, I simply said, “Why don’t we just not have anything to do with each other?” He said “OK” and we hung up. I am, however, gonna give him one last piece of an explanation and it’s his to take or leave. I’m sending one more postcard setting him straight on the fact that there’s no connection between Mom, Dad, Tammy, or Bill and my cutting him off. I told him he did nothing wrong, I simply felt it was for the better, and I wished him, Sandy and Jen the best throughout their lives. He can choose to read the postcard or not to read it. He can choose to think, believe, and feel whatever he chooses to about it and everything else from here on out.

Meanwhile, he and my parents are a part of my past and my past only. I cannot take any more stress with them. I don’t need it and neither do they. Let them live their lives to their contentment and I’ll do the same.

I started to email my folks so they could relay the message to their beloved son, but not at all to my surprise, they changed screen names. So I sent Larry the news directly and like I said, he can read if he wants to and he can do as he pleases with the info.

If Lisa should ever have any contact with Larry, I hope she’ll always have a mind of her own, as far as anything he may say to her regarding me. I hope that anything he says will remain separate from us, but I love Lisa and therefore, if she called me up tomorrow to tell me she no longer wanted anything to do with me, I’d accept it and let her have her way if it’d make her happy.

Later…

I called Tammy and told her of my little chat with Larry. She said she hoped my dumping mom and dad had nothing to do with her. I assured her it didn’t. How typical of Larry, though, to go back and forth. One minute he’s bitching to me, or someone, about how he’s pissed at Mom and Dad, and the next minute, he loves them dearly.

Later…

Just a couple more things in regard to Larry - he also said something about me sticking my nose into things. Like he’s not sticking his nose into things? I can’t believe some people and their hypocrisy! It’s like a fat person ranking on another fat person as if they weren’t fat themselves. People just make no sense with their practicing what they preach. I never should’ve bothered calling him back.

Also, I’ve decided not to send him another card explaining that there’s no connection between him and me and other family members cuz I don’t owe the bastard any explanation. He’s just not worth it. He and my parents can live their own lives without me in it and sink or swim for all I care.

Oh and also, Larry said something about Tammy being in big trouble. How can she be in big trouble if she got a letter from the state saying that her case was closed, just like with 99% of the parents they investigate?

Later…

I went and had myself a good cry and boy did it help! It wasn’t cuz of anything in particular or cuz of any emotion in particular, it was just everything combined. All the emotions, stress, anxiety, frustration, and anger due to this family shit. But this is why I’ve cut these people out of my life. So I don’t have to go through this on and off like I have been for 32 years.

SUNDAY, JULY 26, 1998
I sure do have some shocking news about the weight. Well, at least it shocks me, but not Tom. As you know, I’d been eating one TV dinner a day, plus a bowl of popcorn, some crackers, and that’s pretty much it. I had been feeling sluggish a lot, too, and staying around the same weight. Tom said it was cuz I wasn’t eating enough, and that if I ate more, it’d up my metabolism/energy. And as you also know, I believed that going to two TV dinners a day, plus the couple of little snacks I’d been having, would make me gain weight, but was prepared to just accept it cuz I was tired of feeling so rundown and so hungry. Well, to my utter amazement, I awoke at 116! I’ve been walking 30 minutes a day, too, so maybe this is the answer, but I refuse to get my hopes up. I’ve been down that road before, thinking this is it, I’m gonna lose weight now. Let’s just put it this way, I feel so much better that even if I don’t lose one more pound - fine.

I had another weight dream, too. That’s two dreams now, after all this time. Does it mean anything? Anyway, all I remember is in the dream I asked Tom either, “Am I going to get down to 100 pounds?” or “Do you really think I’m going to get down to 100 pounds?” and he nodded yes.

I’ve been having a field day creating desktop themes. I made 32 different schemes each with its own set of colors, its own screensaver, and its own wallpaper. Every day, I’ll change schemes.

I told Tom I’d be willing to try to screw today, but he was tired and had a sore back. Guess I was right - it’s just not meant to be.

I’m still enjoying every second that the cock’s out of the picture, cuz I know that once it comes back, all that stress will be thrown right back on me. Especially on weekends. I love not having to sit and listen to all the door-slamming as he’d come and go 6 times a day and I love not having to worry that he’s gonna blast me out and that I won’t be able to restrain myself from going over there and beating him to a bloody pulp. So, I’ll enjoy the peace while it lasts, although I’m sure that the bitch, at some point, will have pals come over just to bother me somehow by having their little kiddies get together to play ball for 3 hours. I’m curious to see how this Labor Day will be if he’s still not back yet. The past two Labor Days that they’ve been here, he was here and they make a scene.

Later…

Right on time. It’s the bitch’s prime time. The Caddy just pulled up to take her to wherever.

Later…

My oh-so-horny-all-the-time husband just left for work. I’m glad he truly has a low drive, cuz now we’re both on common ground there for once. For him, it was his hip and back that were hurting today. For me, I just wasn’t in the mood as usual, and when I am, it’s just more convenient and less problem-causing if I just quickly take care of my own self.

SATURDAY, JULY 25, 1998
Tom’s at Mary’s now putting up some blinds.

Earlier we had Ratsy out on the bed. I brought him to the bed in the ball, and it was so cute how he’d go exploring around the bed and then run back into the ball for a few seconds and repeat the scenario again.

We were talking about modifying Ratsy’s cage so he could have more space. Guess that cute little white wired, fuchsia-based cage was a waste after all. Right now I have him in the birdcage that Tweety was in when he was given to us. He loves to climb the perches and bars. Like the mice, he’s pretty much nocturnal. The pig and rabbit are up on and off day and night. Same with Tweety, although when left outside at night, Tweety’s as silent as can be. He never moves. He’s like a statue out there at night. Anyway, we may find a way to connect the white wire cage to the birdcage he’s in now. Meanwhile, Tom’s still gonna look for a cheap aquarium at a yard sale.

We also went to screw around earlier, and I just couldn’t do it. I just feel that mixing sex with the relationship would just bring back all the arguments and trouble and feelings of inadequacy. The two just don’t mix. Not only was I afraid I’d be returning to a destructive cycle if we screwed, I just couldn’t get in the mood. It seems that quitting smoking didn’t just stunt my metabolism, it stunted my sexual appetite, too. Tom’s been very patient, though, and feels that things will change and that my appetite will return. Of course, I have mixed emotions about that. Tom also seems to have as little desire for sex as I do, although he says differently. Guess we all really do deal with things differently. Maybe he really is horny all the time like he says, but it’s just not him to always say so and show it.

I just hope old times don’t return as far as my being a little nympho. I don’t want to want the full-time sex I could never have, and I don’t want to ever return to wanting a child, either. There’s nothing like wanting something you can’t have/handle. Except for my weight, I’ve never been more at peace with myself and with life in general. I want to keep it this way.

Speaking of weight - I’ve made a decision. This nearly starving myself just to stay the same weight has taken its toll on me. I’ve decided to go to two meals a day, plus a bowl of popcorn, or a few crackers for snacks. It’s not like I’m young, single, or looking to go topless dancing. I believe Tom will love me either way so it’s OK if I get fatter and I have no problem with letting that happen. I just won’t be able to rock at some point.

The funny thing about it is that Tom says I’ll lose weight this way. He said he saw a weight loss show on TV and they were saying that the reason why people don’t lose weight is cuz they stop eating. I don’t know, but I guess it’s got something to do with food acting as fat-burning fuel. He said that the more you eat, the faster your metabolism is. I asked him what about those who gorge themselves, and he said that there is a limit to how much the body can burn off. Well, maybe this is how it works for some people, but not for me. I’m going to gain weight for sure and if I didn’t, I sure as hell won’t lose weight on two 300-calorie meals a day. I have no metabolism and my body hangs onto everything it eats.

It’s just that I miss the days when I didn’t worry about what I ate. I’m sick of having to watch every little bite I eat and be so fucking hungry 95% of the time. So, let the pounds come!

The postcard that Larry should get Monday or Tuesday, oughta take him by surprise. I don’t hate my brother or his family, I just think it’s all for the best. That way I won’t have to keep questioning our relationship if there is no relationship between us to begin with.

I know Larry, though. I know how people can lie and get spiteful when cut off by someone, so I wouldn’t put it past him to talk bad about me and lie about me to Lisa, but I’m sure Lisa has a mind of her own and that anything he might say, will have nothing to do with her and I.

I’m not too sure what was going on at the freeloaders’ place. It’s been peaceful. No music or shit like that, but a couple of hours ago I heard door slams that were in the carport, and of course, I worry that it’s him returning since it’s inevitable. I ran and looked and saw a black boy of about 8 years of age and an adult black guy, but only for a second. It looked for a second like the little one had a basketball in its hands and that they were gonna start a ball game, but then they walked out of sight, a white car I’ve seen a lot over there pulled out of the carport, and that’s been it so far.

FRIDAY, JULY 24, 1998
OK, now I’ll get into the shit that’s gone on. Let me just start by saying that when Tammy went to Florida a couple of summers ago when Mom and Dad pulled their shit by taking their problems with me to her, etc., I told them that if they step out of line one more time, I’m gone for good. No more making up a few months down the line. Well, they did step out of line. Therefore, they’re now a permanently closed chapter in my life and I don’t care how often they come begging for me or how often they try to get through others to get attention from me. I’m really sure that my walking away from Mom, Dad, and Larry is what’s best for everybody. No, Larry didn’t do anything. There’s no connection between him and Mom and Dad. It’s simply what I feel would be best. I’ll talk to Tammy occasionally, Lisa can call me whenever she wants to, and that’s it. That’s all I can deal with anymore. The more people from my past I disassociate myself with, the more I can move on. Things go fine for a while, then as soon as I say something they don’t agree with, they pitch a fucking fit and act as if I may as well have killed someone. The having problems with these people on and off for 32 years has taken its toll on me and I should’ve cut them off years ago. Of course, if I’d cut them out of my life before 1992, I wouldn’t be here now. That’s about the only really good thing they ever did for me was sending me out here. Well, they say there’s a time for everything and now it’s definitely time to rid myself of these negative, moody, emotional, narrow-minded, arrogant, selfish little people. This couldn’t have happened at a better time, too, cuz I really did not want to go to Florida, and he was only gonna go for the same reasons I was gonna go. So it’s no loss to either of us.

This is how it all started, but first - if only Bill knew just how lucky he is that I didn’t find out about his hitting up on Lisa till after I got here. If only I’d known! I’d have taken him out back in the woods behind the dive I was living in in the NHA and I’d have beaten him within inches of death. He’d never again have had the strength to hit a fly!

Lisa called me as soon as she got back home to the problems that were waiting for her return. She was depressed and feeling overwhelmed. She told me that her trip went well enough. Bill kept his paws to himself, but this time, he got at her by way of taunting her about her weight. So if he can’t get at her physically, he gets at her mentally, huh? She’s 5’ 3” and weighs 130 pounds. I asked Tom if someone at that height and weight would be fat. He said probably not. None of the pictures or videos I’ve seen suggest she’s fat, but I told her to tell her father to mind his own business and to look in the mirror. He’s no skinny stud. I told her she could remind her father that it’s the person that counts. Not what they look like.

That’s when I vented to Mom and Dad over AOL and I asked them if they could see past his Jewishness and his great job and see Bill for the child-beating whore he really is. Sure enough, and just as I figured, they said that Bill’s oh so special to them, the things I say he is are lies, don’t bring up the subject again unless I know the whole truth, they thought I was over such venom, and what am I gonna do? Start a vendetta against Bill?

And they played with poor Lisa’s head when she was in Florida by telling them her father loves her. She tried to tell them how he’s a control freak and how she didn’t see how he could love her since he hits her when he can’t get his way, but they wouldn’t hear it. If Bill killed her and was convicted in court, they’d still believe he was an innocent, great guy! They’d go right into denial as they always do when they don’t like the truth or when it’s about something they’re too much of a wimp to deal with.

Then they insist that since even I know Tammy’s known to have lied in the past, she can’t be telling the truth about Bill. I told them yes, Tammy would lie about being an RN and she would exaggerate illnesses, but why would she lie about him cheating on her when she was pregnant with Sarah? And why would she and Lisa lie about his hitting her? I’m too good with people’s character to not believe that Bill could do what he’s done, and I know what Tammy would and wouldn’t lie/exaggerate about.

It’s not just that my parents refuse to see Bill for what he really is, it’s a matter of different times and generations. See, my parents, as well as Bill, were taught that hitting is OK. Hitting is good, actually. So they’re kind of caught up within their own eras. Still, anyone who’s warped enough to believe that violence is love is someone I don’t want in my life whether they’re related to me or not.

As much as Tammy has lied, how can a mother try to pit one of their kids against another? How can she also side with her son-in-law over her daughter? If we had had a kid and if Tom had gone wacko and hit the kid and cheated on me, would they have believed me if I’d told them about it? Tom may not be Jewish and he may not have held the same job for over 20 years, but he’s Jewish enough to them cuz to them, he’s my caretaker. They don’t have to worry about having to take care of me cuz he takes care of me. He’s got a lot to offer them. If he didn’t, that’d be different.

And they say don’t bring up the subject again unless I know the truth which really means, don’t bring up the subject again unless I see it their way. What is the whole “truth,” though, anyway? Even Tammy would like to know that.

She thought I was over such “venom?” Sorry, but I still have opinions, feelings, and beliefs, and if that’s venom, then too bad. As for starting a vendetta against Bill; I’m not gonna do anything to the guy cuz I’ll never see or talk to him again, so I don’t know what they’re so worried about. I’m 3000 miles away (lucky guy!). If I ran into him on the streets, which is highly unlikely out here, then we’d be talking a whole different story and then yes, I’d kill him.

I asked them if they always practice what they preach. They harp on not bringing up the past, but they do anyway. But only when they say so. Only when it’s not something that embarrasses them or something they are always too weak to face. Everything’s them, them, them. They just can’t deal with not having control over people. Everybody’s gotta be just like them at all costs, or else they just can’t handle things. As I told them, they can revert back to their old ways all they want. I have a husband who loves and accepts me as a whole, as I am, and that’s all I need. We don’t have a 1-sided relationship. I told them they can forget about the trip, don’t call me or contact me in any way, and I blocked them out of my email list. It’s not worth checking, but I’m sure they’ve blocked me out, too.

I told them that since they’ve had problems with all of their kids, did they ever think that maybe the problem is them? I told them I agree - Tammy’s a lousy mother, but are they forgetting that they were pretty lousy as parents themselves? And speaking of lying - I’ve caught them in numerous lies. Hell, I’m sure they’re already lying about this shit. I’m sure they’re having Ruth and Marty come running over so they can cry on their shoulders about me and I’m sure they’re saying that they were the ones to dump me. Let them.

As for Larry - I sent him a postcard saying that I guess it’s my turn to do the dumping, but that it’d be for a lot longer than 8 years this time around, and please don’t bother calling. No, he didn’t do anything to me, but what’s the point? I mean just like Jenny C, he’s way in the past, he’s 3000 miles away, and this way I won’t have to keep wondering if I did the right thing. What I mean by that is, he’s funny and all that, but ever since he contacted me in 1993, I’ve been wondering if I did the right thing by accepting him back into my life. Is that really having self-respect? Well, with Mom, Dad, and Larry out of my life, I won’t have to wonder about a lot of things anymore and about doing this, doing that, saying this, saying that, and I’ll be free of having to feel like I’m walking on eggshells around these people. Something no one should have to feel with anybody, related or not. I just don’t like these people. I don’t even like Tammy, but I can at least tolerate her. She doesn’t put demands on me. I don’t want to talk to her very often, we have next to nil in common, but it’s OK if she needs to call me to bitch about life.

Lisa was telling me the other day how Tammy asked her who was the one person that’s always been there for her and Lisa answered by saying, “Aunt Jodi.” That’s sweet of her. Lisa says Tammy really loves me. That’s nice. I mean, whatever.

Later…

An hour ago, I was called about my appointment on Monday with Melanie, but it wasn’t Melanie who called. It was Trisha, Tisha, or whatever her name is.

Ratsy is still sort of shy, but I managed to get him out for a few seconds today. He still mainly prefers to come to the door of his cage and look out, but that’s about it. He’s not eager to jump into my hands or the ball that small critters roam around in.

Later…

Does this ever get any easier? The one TV dinner a day, plus some popcorn or some graham crackers, just to maintain the same weight, is so fucking hard!

Tom called from Mary’s cuz he remembered when he got there that Ma has a doctor’s appointment to go to, so he won’t be in for a couple more hours.

THURSDAY, JULY 23, 1998
Boy, do I have a lot to write about! I just haven’t been able to cuz I’ve had major problems with my computer. It was down for two days due to a defective hard drive. Fortunately, though, Tom got it all squared away.

I checked out the word processor that Mary has. Yes, it’s got a lot more than just 16 colors which are all my word processor can display, but it’s got features that I don’t like so I probably won’t use it unless I’m printing out stuff.

Let me begin with the good news, then I’ll cover the bad.

Yesterday, we got a rat! I’ve named him Ratsy and he’s a Fancy rat, just like the mice are Fancy Mice.

Later…

Oh, fuck! I just stopped and jumped up to get the mail and we got a piece of the freeloader’s mail. So that means that the guy across W. Weldon got our mail. Fucking, motherfucking mailman! Why is he so fucking illiterate? Or does he just not give a shit? I don’t mind checking out the freeloader’s mail, but it’s more important that we get our mail instead, so as soon as I get another piece of that bitch’s mail is when I’ll be calling in my what? My 5th complaint? Well, they work for a while, so if I gotta bitch every few months to keep things going around here the way they should, then I guess that’s what I’ll do.

All the bitch got was a service plan on a washer. Whoopee!

Anyway, Ratsy’s a cutie and he’s pretty mellow. I really thought he’d be more active and a fast thing, too, but so far, he just sits around and moves slowly. He’s not desperate to escape like Tom said he’d be. His head and neck have brown fur and the rest is white. He does have a little dot of dark fur on his back, but that’s it.

Although he’s much bigger than a mouse, he can fit through the tubes. He’s long, but he’s skinny. His tail alone is longer than a mouse. It could wrap around my wrist. So, he’s got a straight tube and a wheel and is in a white wire cage with a fuchsia bass that’s one square foot. He has the same bottle Velvet has, but his is purple.

They say rats are smart and can learn their names and a variety of tricks. Wish I could teach him to make me coffee!

Well, I’m just too tired to get into all the other stuff I wanted to write about, but I will tomorrow. It’s too far toward the end of my day for me to think straight. All I’m good for doing for the rest of the day is computer games, music, and books.

TUESDAY, JULY 21, 1998
Ma can’t open the picture of the mystery item we filmed and sent her, so I’ll have to wait till Tom gets home to tell me to tell her what to do. Or to tell her himself.

This weekend Tom was really encouraging the sex and pelvic exam appointment. The one where I bring up the sterility (he suggested I don’t make it till after his appointment which is on 8/4). He said he’s ready to try when I am but wouldn’t push me to do anything I didn’t want to do. He said that just because sex doesn’t always turn out the way it should, don’t let that spoil other things. He also feels I should act on having my questions answered, rather than just talk about them.

Well, I guess you could say I’m feeling a bit braver and ready to take those first steps into finding out what’s wrong with me, but again, isn’t going back to sex just returning to the same old destructive cycle? Again, I don’t want to be trying to do something I’m not meant to be doing. If we’ve never gotten anywhere yet with it, why would we now? And also, should I really be going and bringing up my sterility to a doctor? Wouldn’t that just be getting me nowhere since I still don’t see how Tom’s subconscious, if not conscious, would let him cooperate with the testing since he’d have to be a part of it, too?

Well, if you’re like me, you believe there is no such thing as taking a wrong path in life. I believe that if I start to walk down a “wrong path” God will bump me off of it, so I can’t necessarily choose wrong when it comes to something like infertility testing. If he doesn’t want me tested, he’ll make sure something or someone stops that. Even women who marry abusive husbands didn’t take the “wrong step.” For whatever unfair reason, it was meant to be.

I would just hate it if they told me they couldn’t find anything wrong with me when I know damn well there is something wrong. Just like they said there was nothing wrong with the car when Tom knew good and well that there was something wrong. That’d be mean of God, in a sense. Just to get no answers when I know something’s wrong. Maybe there really is nothing wrong, though. Maybe it’s just a case of God making sure one of my eggs and one of his sperm never meet. That’s fine in this day and age. I don’t want an egg to meet one of his sperms, but I’d like to know why I’m sterile. Maybe they couldn’t tell me the cause of my sterility for sure, but is the problem within the uterus? The eggs? Something else? Tom feels it may be simple, but I just know it’s not. And I also just know that it’s not a case of nothing being wrong, too. I was predestined to be sterile. God sterilized me either before birth or before I was in my teens. I’m just glad that whatever is wrong, whether they can find it or not, can’t be fixed. And I just know it can’t be.

Tom said that we may go to a doctor who says all’s fine, or that they don’t know what’s up, but then we could go to another one a few months later, who knows more, and who can do something to answer my questions. Well, I hope not. Cuz any doctor who doesn’t know of a certain testing/technique with something like that, that really does exist, shouldn’t be out there practicing in the first place. Maybe some things can’t be tested, but they should be able to, for the most part, find the problem, then tell the person the different things they can do about it, so they know what their options are.

Will God let them find the cause of my sterility? Maybe he doesn’t want me knowing what’s up with me. Maybe he wants me to always wonder about it. Well, time will tell if I’m meant to know or not.

When I was in the 5th grade, I had an autograph book. When I was in my early teens, I had a little diary. I asked Mom if there was any chance she saved them for me to have when I got older, but I’m virtually 100% sure she doesn’t have either one of these things. Wish she did, though, cuz they’d be so neat to check out in this day and age.

I’m about as finished with food as I am with cigarettes. So much for that dream and so much for thinking I wouldn’t return to the 120s, even though it was only for a few hours. I learned that I must treat food the same way. I couldn’t cut down the cigarettes. I had to just quit. You either smoke or you don’t. That’s how it usually works. Same with food. Cutting down on food just doesn’t cut it. I have to either eat or stop eating altogether. I don’t know why the setback or why my metabolism decided to quit on me again. I ended up back up to 122 yesterday. Almost back to where I’ve always been since quitting smoking. Well, I’m really sick of this shit. Real fucking sick of it, so I’m not even gonna bother with food anymore. I’m just not even gonna bother.

Later…

It was a cloudy morning, so I took advantage of it and went out and sat out there reading. Wish it was cloudy more often here, cuz it makes for perfect tanning weather. When you’re getting directly hit by the sun, though, it’s scorching hot and I have to keep dipping in the pool with all the bees. Although today, there haven’t been too many. I wonder if they’re dying off for the year early. Bee season doesn’t usually end till September. And of course, I had to listen to the fucking dogs a couple of times while I was out there. That and Caddy kid.

I’m soooooo fucking hungry. It’s like craving cigarettes all over again only this time it’s food. A part of me just wants to say, “Fuck it! I’ll never be thin again. I know it. God knows it. So why don’t I just eat when I’m hungry and forget about how I look and what I weigh?”

I broke down at 3 AM, not too long after I’d gotten up, and had a TV dinner. I’m tempted to have some popcorn, but then I’ll just want graham crackers or something else, too, later on.

I did a little walking and have begun doing 22 different exercises. I know that only about 5 of them will work, but oh well.

I made some tea in the coffeemaker. Yup, instead of putting a filter with coffee grinds in it, I put in 4 tea bags.

Later…

I just don’t understand. What the hell could’ve stunted my metabolism? I know I had pork rinds when we were waiting for Wal-Mart to open, but it’s not like I eat junk every day. I don’t eat a lot, period. I hardly eat. This just makes no sense. I could eat whatever I wanted to whenever I got hungry and I didn’t have to worry about gaining weight. Now, I can’t eat nothing without gaining weight. Just a banana will put two pounds on me. I just look at food and I gain weight! I haven’t had any popcorn or crackers, but again, do I want to live my life being hungry all the time? Some days I’m OK with it. Others are hard. Do I want to live on barely any food, or do I just want to let my body eat when it’s hungry and let my body weigh what it naturally wants to weigh?

MONDAY, JULY 20, 1998
We got Windows 98 yesterday and neither of us is too thrilled with it. The only thing it’s got that I like is how I can choose two different colors for my active and inactive title bars. I don’t like its start menus. Instead of popping up and down, they slide.

I’ve had a setback with the weight. What else is new, huh? I had gotten to 117-119, but now I’m just over 120. It’s my fault for slacking off and getting some munchies yesterday when we were waiting for Walmart to open. I feel teased again, too. I get this water pill, begin losing weight before my period, then get my period which was a light one, and then gain weight. Well, I’m the one who’s been saying for months now how I’m destined to remain heavy. I think I’ve known that deep down and that that dream didn’t really mean anything. Again, if I can stay around the low 120s, I can sit in my “rocking” position easily enough. Meanwhile, I’ll never be thin again. I’ve said it, I’ve known it, so…so be it. Also, I gotta treat food cravings like I treated the cigarette cravings and ignore them cuz they do go away with time. You kind of get used to a new diet after a while, but fortunately, I’m not getting too hungry too often. Not like I used to for a while there.

At Wal-Mart, we were hoping to get an extra, smaller aquarium so I could expand the mice’s setup, but they didn’t have any we wanted. I did get a really neat raft, though. I’ve always wanted one that was airless and that you didn’t need to worry about tearing. I don’t know for sure what type of material it’s made of. Maybe Styrofoam. It’s purple and yellow striped and not as comfortable as an air raft, but it’s still nice.

There was this object that neither of us could be sure of that Ma sent. I described it to her and asked her what it was, but she didn’t know what I was talking about. She asked if I could scan or draw it. Tom scanned it with the VCR, and we attached it to their email, so I’ll wait to see if she can tell me about it.

The weekend was cockless, so it was fine. Tom did see him parked in the street, though, last evening, as if he was taking or dropping off the kid. This morning, Caddy and cock came.

SUNDAY, JULY 19, 1998
It looks like I’m finally getting a full flow here, but not much of one yet. So I guess this is just how I am nowadays. I spot for a few days before I flow.

I asked Tom for his opinion on this - I told him I wasn’t sure if I should make the appointment cuz of how I’m feeling right now, which is how I usually feel - all’s fine the way it is, I’m not that curious as to why I don’t work. But I also know that once every month or two, the questions will be back to eat at me. So, what did he think I should do? He said he thinks I should make the appointment. Just make sure I don’t make it too close to Melanie’s appointments and have several so close together. Don’t want to run him ragged. Maybe I’ll wait till I’m done seeing her every two weeks.

I’ll tell you one thing for sure - I’m not playing the repeat pap game. They get one shot and if they can’t read my culture once - then fuck it.

I don’t know, though, cuz I still feel that if I lift a finger to engage in acts of sex or anything having to do with my female parts, I’m just asking for trouble. They can’t help someone whose sex life is like ours. You just can’t mix sex with a relationship, any more than you can mix business with pleasure, cuz there’s almost always a conflict if you do.

I wasn’t meant to have a normal, healthy sex life. I wasn’t meant to be a total woman and I have no business sticking my nose where it doesn’t belong. Meddling in God’s work and trying to find out how he did what he did, is a no-no that’ll cost me. God’s reasons should be trusted and not questioned, no matter how off the wall they seem.

Marla’s back home. She sent me an email on health insurance, asking me to ask Andy if he wants any info on it. I’m sure he won’t, but I’ll ask him. Andy isn’t interested in anything. If he could have his way for the rest of his life, he’d have 3 hands. In one hand would be a phone, in the other would be a joint, and in the last, a dick.

Tom went out yesterday afternoon after I went to bed and got some better recording equipment and Windows 98.

Ma got a wheelchair the other day for when she goes out. She’s gotten so weak that she can’t cross even the smallest of parking lots.

She turned the title of her Ford Tempo over to Tom, and Tom’s very old Nissan Centra, which is at his ma’s old house, is as good as dead. He went through it and took out all the tools and stuff we want to keep, and it’ll be towed away to a junkyard.

Later…

We went to PetSmart yesterday morning. There was a really cute, curious, and even friendly rat that sniffed my hand. I want a rat sooooooo bad, but he doesn’t like rats cuz he thinks they look mean and ugly. This makes no sense to me cuz mice and rats are one in the same animal. Only one’s real small, one’s not.

They really have a lot of nice, clever, and cute accessories for a variety of animals. They had cute little logs, shoes, and things like that for little critters to burrow in. I got the mice a really cute 3-story house. It’s of clear plastic and is about 8” tall and 4” wide. It’s got a red 1st floor, a purple 2nd floor, an orange 3rd floor, a yellow roof, and a blue chimney. It was so cute to see them crawling around it. It has a cute little pink ladder that goes to the 2nd floor, but they kept knocking it down. So I put it upstairs for them to chew on. Star, who never goes downstairs or up to the maze or over to the left end of the setup, loves playing with it. The first two floors of the house have little clear windows and the top floor has got a few open holes in it. They can’t just walk into the bottom floor from the ground, either. They have to climb up to the middle floor, then drop down into it. I’m surprised they aren’t sleeping on the bottom floor since it’s so dark and enclosed.

Got my first pink piggy bottle, too. One of those kinds that Bunny doesn’t like (our other one leaks). Velvet’s using this pink bottle with the little knob that swivels, and Bunny’s using the old water bottle with the metal rolling ball.

SATURDAY, JULY 18, 1998
Well, it looks like we’re gonna be seeing a U-Haul real soon that comes with a tall, skinny, bald freeloader. I knew it was just a matter of time.

No cock and Caddy this morning. Just a white car. I don’t know how long they were there, but the cock’s parked out on the street now and there was a white van, but it just left. No music, but still, why would the cock be there at this hour on a Friday night if he weren’t there to say, “I love you. Let’s make nicey-nice. It’s Friday night. Let’s fuck, kiss, and make up, and I’ll come back to live here and slam doors for next door. Among a few other things.” Well, come on, cock! I’ll just have you and your bitch evicted. Well, maybe it’s here for some other reason. Maybe the kid got sick. I doubt it, though. I think that whoever was in the white van helped to bring some of his stuff back, then they left them to screw each other’s brains out. So, now I can go back to not knowing what to expect when a weekend rolls around, but if he’s not gone by 1 AM (these people are night people) then that’ll be saying that yes, my theory about his being there is right. Or there’s a 98% chance I’m right.

The dog vibe’s gone kind of dormant for now, and the September change vibe’s fading, too. I could bet $100, though, that that cock will be back by September.

Later…

Yeah! Bye, bye, cocky! I just went and looked, and it’s gone. Still, a visit this late worries me. That’s awfully late to be coming over to see the kid or to discuss child support or anything like that.

As I just told my folks in my email to them, it looks like late September is when we’ll be there. I just hope they get the fires under control that they’ve been having due to extreme heat. Thank God my ma smokes outside! I’m not looking forward to this trip. That I won’t lie about. The flying will be the highlight of the whole trip. Things are different now than when I was last there in 1989. I’m not a heavy sleeper sleeping alone. I’m a light sleeper sleeping with a husband who’ll shake and snore me awake. I’m gonna take Benadryl, my sound spa, and maybe even an earplug, but I just hope my schedule will be set enough for this and that I get some sleep. I don’t want to be dog-tired throughout all this. Maybe if I pray to God for his help, he’ll help me. This is one of those prayers that stands a chance of being answered.

If someone had told me, the last time I went to Florida at age 24 from a dive in Massachusetts, that I’d be back 8 years later from Arizona with a husband, I’d never have believed it!

Goldie and Al won’t be there in late September, but hopefully I’ll get to see Charlotte, Jim, Boo, Max, Marty and Ruth. Wish I could see Philip, but somehow, I doubt that. Hope to also meet their friends Gene and Teresa. As much as I hate phone-gabbing, Gene was interesting to talk to. Yes, it ought to be interesting meeting people who can be so persuaded by the powers of good old Dureen. I mean, how can someone influence a man to spend 10 days in their house with their dog while they take a trip? Tom would never leave me for that long and move into someone’s house for 10 days like that to live with their dog.

I didn’t make that pap smear appointment cuz now I’m back to my usual self these days. I feel life’s fine as it is and that I don’t need to know the specifics as to why I’m sterile. Why bother myself with the testing and piss off God just to find out answers to something I’m still not sure anymore that I’d ever want to change? Maybe I should still make the appointment, cuz although it doesn’t eat at me much, it will come back again to eat at me and make me wonder why I am the way I am periodically. Perhaps I’ll feel better about myself if I just find out what I can find out, cuz if I don’t, then I’ll never know, but will always wonder. I know I’m sterile and I know they can’t fix me, but why? Maybe they can’t even tell me why, but who knows for sure?

More good weight news - my metabolism’s really rolling now. Now I’m 1 pound heavier at the end of my day and not 3-5. I woke up at just a tad under 117! Big changes can be made. They just take time. But now that I’m used to my new diet plan, and not hungry a lot like I used to be, and not with a metabolism that doesn’t work, I can afford to relax more and not make sure I only eat a few bites a day. I can afford to take a day off here and there and eat an extra snack if I want to. I actually get full easily again, too. I really, really believe that I won’t be in the 120s again and that if I am, it won’t be for a long time.

Later…

It’s dead calm out there now, but earlier, there was lots of wind, lightning, and a little bit of rain and thunder. The lightning was awesome. Tom said that in the early evening last night, there was lots of rain, so he had to play the leak and bucket game.

I’m doing laundry now and instead of throwing his shirts in our little wimpy dryer, I’ve found that putting the shirts on a hanger and hanging them up on the line outside at this time of year, really helps to dry them better.

FRIDAY, JULY 17, 1998
The weekends approach really fast these days. It seems like it goes from Monday to Friday overnight. Nonetheless, it should remain peaceful if the cock stays out of the picture.

It, and the caddy, came to pick up the bitch and kid yesterday morning.

Tom said the back gate was flapping in the wind yesterday. Fucking Andy! I called and reminded him to shut that gate cuz I don’t want the rabbit getting out. He called back saying it wasn’t him, but he’ll make sure he’s careful. Yeah, right. Although, it could’ve been whoever reads the electric meter.

THURSDAY, JULY 16, 1998
Not much to update on at the moment. Just that the freeloader was parked next door when I got up at 6 PM. An hour later it quietly left. If I didn’t see it leave, I may not have known it, save for hearing the engine rev up. No car door. No music.

What was it doing here? Making nicey-nicey with its bitch? God, not yet! When I see the U-Haul, and I know I will sooner or later, then that’ll mean it’s back, but not this soon, please!

Guess the bitch stayed home yesterday, cuz no Caddy or freeloader pulled in at just after 7:00 as usual.

As God would have it and will always have it, he’s keeping Tom a slave to our shit of a car. One of them, anyhow.

Later…

Oh my God! Now I’m 118 and I’ve been up for hours. I did a test and ate a hot dog, then re-weighed myself and guess what? I weighed the same! That means my metabolism really is starting to roll. I really think this is it. I’m going to lose weight and that dream I had was not just a dream. It was something’s way of telling me I could begin losing weight now.

I thought about going into that bag of clothes I set aside for Laura and taking back some pieces I really love, but nah. That might hex it. And besides, since I have to pay for everything good that comes my way, maybe God will feel that giving up some clothes I really love is payment enough. I’ll just start over if I really do get thin again, as I feel I will, and buy new clothes.

This water pill really is some potent stuff and I probably won’t take it tomorrow.

Later…

What a gorgeous night it is. It’s quite warm, but the pool temperature’s just perfect. It must be in the low 90s. I swam up and down and just enjoyed the peace and quiet of the night. I made my swim physical for the exercise part of it, but then I also relaxed and had fun just floating about.

It’s been really hot and the summer we thought we’d never have, has been here for a while now. I’ll be looking forward to the monsoons, but not the humidity that comes with it, or playing the game of leak and bucket.

I feel better than I did yesterday. I felt a little bummed yesterday, but nothing compared to what I’d go through back when I wanted a kid. My period’s starting and hopefully it won’t be just a spot, then I’ll have to wait another week before having a full flow. Hopefully, it’ll take off within the next day or so.

Blackie and Velvet really love to sit and stare at each other. He gets Velvet bouncing around.

Anyway, I feel so blessed to have a guy like Tom who wants me forever. He may be a sexual misfit, but he sure is one in a million and I could never live without him.

I thank God that I’m dreamless at the moment. That’s a rare occasion in my life. I mean, I still want to move, of course, but that’s a material dream. One that’s sure to happen, too. It’s just a matter of time. So, aside from being thin again, and wishing I could change a few of my personal traits, I’m at peace and I hope to hell I never dream again. Cuz if I do (a non-material dream), the answer’s no. Nothing I could want really, really bad could ever be granted to me. Nothing that I want really, really bad that’s on my mind day in and day out, year after year. God, please don’t ever let me dream again!!

Later…

It looks like my payment for losing some weight is that old horniness and thoughts of a kid kicking up again. I hate being horny a lot. I mean, after my period, it’ll simmer down, but there’s nothing like being horny a lot with a busy, dead-dicked husband. Remember, I love my husband, but not in bed. And I hate thinking of the impossible. I have to remember that God sterilized me for a reason. He knew I could never handle a child. He knew I’d be more miserable than ever if I had to give up my life and freedom to a child.

Even so, I’ve decided that I’m sick of living a life of wondering why I’m sterile. I know I’ll feel better about myself if I just stop being a wimp, put my superstitions and suspicions aside, and just find out whatever modern technology can tell me. That way I won’t wonder year and year and it won’t eat at me as much. Stupid, I know. Like Tom will let me get as far as getting any real answers? I don’t think so! I know the first thing they’re gonna do is tell us to screw for several days in a row at certain times. And of course, he’s gonna conveniently not be able to get in there and if he does get in there, he’s just gonna be too tired or sore to cum.

Well, there’s no sense in wishing to be someone I’m not. The kind of woman who sleeps with her husband, holds a schedule without a problem, has a healthy, normal sex life, is all-woman, has a child she can handle, is not who I am. No, it’s not that I’m back to wanting a kid. I don’t want to suffer from what a kid would entail. I just sometimes wish I was different, is all. Most of the time, though, I love my uniqueness. It’s all I know.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 15, 1998
Oh my God! I don’t believe it. I’ve been up 10 hours and I weigh what I weighed when I got up - 119! Is it cuz of the water pill? Tom doesn’t feel that has any connection to weight loss. Well if it doesn’t, then this is a hell of a coincidence.

I hope Andy’s enjoying his new job. More importantly, I hope he’s still there.

I feel bad for Michelle. I know what she’s going through. She’s big, but she’s feminine and she’s attracted to feminine women. But just like I used to, she goes into the bars and finds that fems want butches and vice versa. She feels it’s hopeless and that if she ever has sex (she has never had sex with a woman or a man and is 24 years old) it won’t be in this century.

Andy says that if he could get away with making prank phone calls like he could years ago, he’d still be making them. Yeah, I believe it. He hasn’t changed much. He’s more sensitive and you can talk to him about problems, but he’s still the same old guy otherwise.

TUESDAY, JULY 14, 1998
I’m kind of tired cuz I had my sleep broken up. I amazingly did get to my 9:30 appointment yesterday, but when I fell asleep around noon, I woke up at 4:00 and couldn’t go back to bed till 8:00. When I did, I slept till midnight.

Dr. Brown seems nice enough. She’s in her 40s and might be a lesbian. She put me back on Vanceril (preventative inhaler) and renewed my Proventil inhalers (for wheezing). As she said, it’s seasonable and different things can trigger asthma and allergies. She didn’t ask any personal questions and I did right by God and myself and I followed my heart and said nothing about sex and sterility. I just don’t want to deal with the sex part of it and I don’t want a child anymore. She did suggest a pelvic exam, but I don’t feel I need one.

I told her how I have a lot of water retention and how 10 years ago I took a pill for that on the 15th day of my cycle till I got my period, and it reduced the water and slimmed me down. She wrote me a prescription for a water pill and like before, I must take a source of potassium with it, like a glass of orange juice.

I don’t know if the dream I had last night is a sign or what. In the dream, I was taking some sort of dance class. I asked a girl in the class to be honest and tell me if she thought I was fat. She said no. Like Tom pointed out, I’m not physiologically the same as I was 10 years ago, so it may not do much to slim me down even if a lot of my bigness is water retention. Still, if it helps some, then some is better than none.

I asked Ma if I could take my little sound spa (that plays sounds of rain, oceans, etc.) when I come to Florida. She asked if it was necessary. I told her it kind of was, but that it’s her house, so if she says no, then I won’t bring it. I told her if she had a fan that wasn’t whisper-quiet, that that’d help too, since I’m a light sleeper and since Tom snores. God, I hate traveling. Cuz of how light I sleep, my screwy schedule, my being a homebody, I just am not fond of traveling.

I was surprised to get a message from Tammy just wanting to say hi. She said things were good with her (wow!) and that was nice of her. I left her a message too, since she was heading out with Mark and his daughter when she called. I told her I was in a room where the loud fan was and didn’t hear her call, Tom was asleep and I was tired, but was glad she was doing well. I told her we were well, too, and that I’d call tomorrow (today now).

Neither Kim nor I have heard from Bob. Has he had heart attack number 50? Every other letter he’s had either a stroke or a heart attack, so who knows what’s up with him? Wouldn’t the prison contact someone if he kicked the bucket? Well, I sent him a letter. I don’t contact him much, but he got one and so did Tammy, since she never seems to be on AOL anymore. I don’t know why she keeps her account with them.

Wow! It’s to be 112º today and 114º tomorrow. I don’t think I’ll leave Tweety out.

Later…

Tom got two awards at work. One says: teamwork award - third shift sorter 100% exceptions in June warrant quality. The other says: top performer award 25,551,213 items processed.

He also picked me up my prescriptions and I started the water pill.

I forgot to say yesterday, the waiting room was amazingly empty and there wasn’t a shitload of waiting time to do as I thought there’d be. I don’t know if this was a fluke, but I thought that since Melanie’s waiting room is pretty empty and since she gets me in on time, I’d be compensated with this one. I thought I’d have 20-30 minutes to wait in the waiting room, then 20 more minutes to wait after the nurse brought me into the exam room.

The nurse cleaned the bad ear with a water gun.

Later…

The phantom box finally came. Ma says, believe it or not, she has another box to come to us in a few weeks.

There were a lot of cute cards and postcards. I’ll be distributing the postcards between Larry, Sandy, Jen, Tammy, Lisa, Becky, Sarah, and Kim. I even sent one to Andy. The cards will be great for birthdays and anniversaries. There were a couple of Hanukah and get-well cards, too. There were floral stickers that I’ll use to decorate the envelopes.

As usual, a couple of glass knickknacks got smashed, but the few knickknacks that did make it are cute. There was an Arizona pin that I think I remember seeing on my mom when she was here, a couple of bracelets (one really nice one with charms), a glass and suction cup thermometer with birds, and a couple of vases, and a Star of David-shaped pasta.

Tammy called to tell me how wonderful Mark still is, how she’s getting a golden retriever named Shane, and how pissed she is at mom and dad. The girls will be staying with them for one night.

I asked her how she can be so sure that Bill will keep his paws to himself. She said she’d never have let them go with him if she was worried and that Larry put the fear into him. By Larry’s state complaint, and this isn’t the first, Bill’s gonna be all the more afraid to step out of line. Well, if what Larry did will make him behave, great.

I wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if someone in the family weren’t eventually murdered. I will never ever go to my parents’ funerals for fear of either getting shot or killing someone myself. Not to mention the fact that I can mourn their loss no matter where I was and just don’t ever want to return to New England for reasons that are obvious to those who know me as well as my husband does. I’m OK with never seeing Tammy and Larry again if that’s the way it goes. Lisa, I believe, will come out here. If not to live, then to visit.

Sometimes I still think I should’ve just walked away from my whole family except for Lisa years ago, cuz I burn with anger at some of the things I hear and I sometimes feel it’d be easier if I did just walk away. I get so fucking pissed sometimes when I think of my uncles, and even Larry and my folks still. I want to give people a piece of my mind when I hear they’ve said or done shit that pisses me the fuck off, but I can’t cuz that’d be betraying the trust of the person who confided in me in the first place. And also, it wouldn’t do any good. My stubborn family is set in their ways.

Tammy said she’ll never forgive Dad for what he recently said to her. I half agree with what Dad said to her which was that it’s all Tammy’s fault that Lisa’s suicidal, she should’ve let her live with Larry. He also brought up her exes.

How can a parent side with one of their kids like this and pit one against the other? It’s sick! Yes, Tammy’s mainly to blame for how Lisa is today, and I think Lisa would be better off at Larry’s, but is my father forgetting that he and Ma weren’t parents of the century? Have they forgotten just what shitty parents they were and how they were responsible for making someone feel suicidal too (Tom feels they do feel responsible)? And what with how my folks preach about how bad it is to rehash the past, why’d they bring up the past? How is bringing up Dick and Joe gonna change the past or fix the present? I love my dad, my dad’s got a lot of smarts, but what a stupid, stupid, fuck he can be. What a blind, arrogant little fuck!

Tom’s kind of avoiding contact with David and Evie now cuz their TV’s broken and he doesn’t want to fix it. Again, his family may have the better cars, the better houses, the better jobs, and they obviously have no problem in bed, but they don’t have the better brains.

Guess next door’s not the only subsidized freeloaders on this street. About 10-15 houses down on the other side of the street, there appears to be another city home. Tom doesn’t think it’s a city-owned house, but these sure are some weird fucking freeloaders. A guy was hosing down the roof. What would he be doing that for? Then there was a black girl and a black boy of about 8 and 10 years of age.

MONDAY, JULY 13, 1998
Just observed the usual routine - the Caddy came, the black cock came, the black bitch deliberately slammed her door very loud, then all was gone.

White Paws has been doing some disappearing acts. Has she had kittens again, only smartened up like her mother and had them elsewhere? She came from the freeloader’s yard and again, did she have kittens in the freeloader’s yard?

If my horoscope is right, this doctor I’m going to today will be quite bossy. Who else would boss me around? Not Tom. Well, the worst that can happen is that I don’t like her and don’t see her again.

I talked with Andy last night. I don’t believe him, but he says that if he loses this job, then he’ll go for a career change. He said he also went to a lezzy bar with Michelle. He brought his tambourine as an attention-getter. He’s soooo desperate for attention. Any attention. It’s sad. He lets guys pick him up that approach him on his late-night walks. He sucks their dicks. He’s gonna die of AIDS!

Yesterday at 3 AM, we went to the Indian reservation and this time, we held our own for longer than 5 minutes but didn’t really win. I did win $30 at one point but ended up giving it right back.

Tom trimmed the tree out front and found a problem with the car. Is it ever gonna pass Emissions, though?

SATURDAY, JULY 11, 1998
I got up at 2:45 this afternoon (at 119) and took a couple more Benadryl to see if I could slam myself back down for a few more hours, but I just wouldn’t go under. Instead, all I ended up with was a dry mouth and a very groggy me. I laid there a few more hours, but then that got old and I got up.

Tom went to bed at 8:00 and I’ll be getting him up at 2:00. Then we’ll go for a quick dip in the pool, then head to a casino on the Indian reservation.

Tom trimmed the hedges in back today and worked on the car. The car failed Emissions again.

My parents haven’t said anything about Lisa and Bill stopping by, so does this mean they haven’t and aren’t going to? I just wish my folks weren’t so blind when it comes to Bill. I wish they could see him for the violent whore of a scumbag he really is. Instead, all they see is his being Jewish. Oh yeah, that really counts now, doesn’t it?

The more I think about it, the more I realize just how much Andy loves serving food. Although he’s been through 50 jobs, you gotta really love being a waiter and doing the cleaning that’s involved in that to be doing it for over 15 years. Tom says he thinks he likes interacting with all the people. I think so. He hates people about as much as I do, but he’s lonely and desperate for any attention he can get, negative or not. I couldn’t imagine doing work that involved a lot of people no matter how lonely or desperate I was. I am just not a people person.

I asked Tom what he thinks is the reason the bitch next door’s not having the Lopezs watch the animal. He says that they don’t do it for free and that he doesn’t think they do daycare during the summers.

There’s something I wonder about Tammy. We all have things we can’t live without. I can’t live without my stereo. Tammy can’t live without a man. Well, my question is, had she not found Mark whom she knew a couple of years before kicking Bill out, would she have kicked him out? Like most people won’t quit an old job before finding a new one, it seems she wasn’t about to throw Bill out without having something steady going that she could transfer right into.

Later…

Fuck! Is my metabolism ever gonna speed up? I know I’m stuck today, but still, I gained 3 pounds just for eating one small TV dinner and a few graham crackers. Being stuck will keep a person from losing weight, but I guess any more weight loss is gonna have to be done in stages. Each stage will take a while. Just like in the past. For a while, I hung at 122-124, then 120-122, now 119-121.

FRIDAY, JULY 10, 1998
I walked a little further for less time today. Went 2.6 miles in 40 minutes, rather than 2.3 miles in 45 minutes.

Damn! I still get these fucking dizzy spells every day. It’s like I’m lightheaded and it takes several minutes before it goes away.

Last night I said, “Well, I guess I’m gonna be an official fuck-up, cuz I’m gonna have a second TV dinner.” I was so fucking hungry. But it didn’t curb my hunger. The hunger stayed with me and it turned into nausea. I didn’t end up puking, but I learned from it. I learned not to eat more just cuz I’m hungry cuz it probably won’t do shit. Today’s been easier and I’ve been sticking to the plan - one TV dinner, a bowl of popcorn, some graham crackers, a few grapes. On top of my water, coffee, and daily vitamins.

I woke up at 119 and am now 121. No one should gain two pounds from just one TV dinner, some popcorn, and a few grapes and graham crackers, so maybe it’s water. I’m only a week away from my period.

I think I was right about the notches, though. Meaning, if I have periods of time where I barely eat for a few days, I seem to drop a couple of pounds. It’s still so hard to believe that there was a time when I couldn’t gain weight if I tried. Now it takes a massive effort just to stay right around where I am. I still don’t see myself down to 100 pounds. Not even down to 110, but oh well. I just hope my mother’s right about it getting easier with time to go on just a few bites a day, just like it got easier with time to not smoke. I think I will get used to it. I think I’m starting to already, but it’s too soon to tell for sure.

My allergies were picking up on me again, so I changed the mice’s cages. I spent nearly two hours working on the mice and the bird’s cage.

This weekend Tom will be tied up doing yard work and working on his car. At least he’s got the brains for it. His other family members may have better cars, better houses, better jobs, and better sex lives, but they don’t have better brains. Sorry he has to deal with shit that’s not exactly fun, but at least I don’t have to worry about any weekend sex games. There’ll be no time, and also, I told him I want him as a love partner and to spend my life with him, but not as a sex partner. I’m sick of the shit in bed I went through with him year after year.

Andy left a message saying he got hired at Red Lobster. Great. Hope he stays there for more than a week, too.

Marla’s at the beach now, but I’m sure she’ll find out about his new job. She said the beach next to Old Colony Beach was closed due to some bacteria found in the water. Well, she’s not about to go into the water even if they’re allowed to what with it being just a few yards away.

THURSDAY, JULY 9, 1998
Woke up at a shocking 118½ pounds! I could not believe it. Yesterday I got to thinking that maybe I should treat food the way I did with the cigarettes. I slowly cut down the cigarettes till there were no more. It took me months to get used to this, but I did in time. I shared this idea with my folks and my mom’s reply was that it’d get easier in time. Good for you. So this helped motivate me and yesterday all I had was one low-fat/cal TV dinner, a bowl of popcorn, and some graham crackers. Today I’ve had my one TV dinner and my popcorn so far.

Yesterday I also walked 2.3 miles for 45 minutes. I only walked 14 minutes so far today at just over a mile, but maybe I’ll walk more later before my twilight swim.

Ma was right. It was hard at first to make this new adjustment and still is at times, but if I could quit smoking and tough out that till the cravings went away, then why can’t I tough this out too, and lose the weight and get used to a diet of very little food? Well, I still won’t get my hopes up but will try my best.

I got potentially good news from Andy, who I hope won’t bug me with calls all weekend. He may be working at Red Lobster or some other place. I hope to hell he gets a job and keeps it. Obviously, he must really love serving food, cuz he just keeps right on going back to restaurants. And I know he’ll flirt, too, no matter who else is or isn’t doing the same thing. I just hope he doesn’t get fired for a few weeks, instead of after just one.

I wish to hell Andy would get a boyfriend, too. Not just cuz he deserves one and wants one, but cuz he may be too preoccupied to call me as much with one, but I don’t know. Thank God he has Michelle to call every day, cuz then it’d be even worse, and Andy’s just not one you can ask a favor of. If you ask him to please not do something, he does it anyway. If you ask him to come over and take packages inside for you while you’re out of town, he calls playing dumb on your machine while he knows damn well you’re gone, and asks for you to do him a favor.

At 9 PM my time, midnight my folk’s time, we’ll be going online to chat. She sent me an email yesterday while I was online, then I replied, then she sent me an instant message, and she, Dad, and I gabbed for a bit. She said she, dad, and “mas” were there. Then she said not “mas,” it is “max” (she used no caps) and then I replied saying I was “shitting” around. That’s “sitting” around, not “shitting.” Haha. She said she thought so.

Later…

Did a total of 27 minutes of walking and I went for a dip in the pool. Somebody thumped by really loud while I was out there. Must’ve been Caddy Kid. I could smell the freeloader’s dinner. They usually eat between 7:00 - 7:30. Sometimes I still burn with anger towards this bitch for having the nerve she’s got to have pulled all the shit she’s pulled on me (along with the dick) and I have to do all I can do to keep from going over there and placing my fist through her face. It’s great while the cock’s not around and I don’t have to listen to 6 sets of loud door slams. Many times a day that fuckaroo would slam doors 4-10 times.

Talked to my folks on AOL for about 20 minutes. They’re having a string of bad luck. They got a flat tire and their water tank went out just like ours did a few years ago.

Saw Melanie today. She definitely does not share a mutual attraction or interest in any way. I can just tell. She looked beautiful, though. Her hair wasn’t straightened, but she had it in a loose ponytail with a few stray strands at the sides and it looked so much better than it did swept up off her forehead. I was in and out really quick. She tightened the area where the impacted tooth is.

I sent Tammy a letter and even thought of sending one to Anna and Harry, but I never hear from them. All I ever got was just that one letter. They’ve got my number and address. Shouldn’t I wait and let them contact me if they want to?

Paula tried calling. The other night I was thinking of her and realized it was about time again for me to hear from her. At least she’s not a pest like Andy and there’s something new to tell her by the time we talk again. It keeps it more special and exciting that way.

After seeing Melanie we went back to that used bookstore. The same guy was there that’s very nice. I got 11 books for $16.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 8, 1998
I’m going to straighten my hair in a few minutes, but first, a white car was at the freeloaders’ place an hour ago. This time, I heard a male voice. It sounded a little younger than the cock, so maybe it was the kid. After 4-5 door slams, it left. No car was there late last night and there’s definitely no dog over there cuz it’s too quiet. I must’ve heard someone walking a dog or something.

Later…

Tom brought up a good point about Lisa and I hope he’s right. Since people tend to behave differently around different people, maybe Bill won’t smack the shit out of Lisa. Bill may be reluctant to hit her in front of his folks, even if they’re pretty sick, too. I hope he’s right and that Lisa has a good time. Yes, her problems will still be at home waiting for her return, but she needs a break!

I found a site on the internet where I could get two 8x10 autographed pictures of Jenny Seagrove (Norah), but it came to 20 English pounds which is something like 33 American dollars. Not worth it. Besides, who knows how she looks in these pictures and if she’s older, younger, or has her hair short.

Tom’s running around saying I jinxed him by telling him what I vibed. I told him that as far as his cars go, God wants him to fix them himself to run him ragged and keep him tied up and that he’s gonna have regular car trouble. Especially since his cars are older. Early 80s.

Andy’s cursed in sex and jobs. Tom’s cursed in cars and leaks. I’m cursed with sex and sleep. I threw the sex out the window, but not all curses can be avoided and or thrown away. I can’t say, “Well, I’ll just quit sleeping so I don’t ever have to worry about being woken up, being on a crazy schedule, or not being able to sleep with Tom.”

I’m reading a pretty good book. It’s the last one I got at that used bookstore. Tomorrow after seeing Melanie, we’ll stop in there to pick up some more. This book’s based on a true story about a woman raped by a ghost. Now that’s hard to imagine!

I guessed right too, about who would call to remind me of tomorrow’s appointment. The secretary that I see whenever I go there called. I think her name’s Trish.

Last night Tom was saying I looked thinner and I thought I felt thinner too, but we were obviously seeing and feeling things, cuz I woke up at 121. Must be that I’m not as watery as I normally am. It’s really sick, but I could eat my way up to 124 by the end of the day and by the end of the weekend, I could be close to 130. Eating just a bite a day is hard! And all this hard work isn’t to lose weight, it’s to keep the same weight that’s much too much for me anyway. I can’t believe I gotta slave my ass off just to keep from going from heavy, to even heavier! You mean I gotta live the rest of my life either hungry or very very very big? Shit!

Anyway, I’m kind of treating the food like cigarettes. I slowly cut down until I had no cigarettes. I’m slowly cutting down my food till I’m on just liquids. It’s so fucking hard, though, that I’m still tempted to let my body do what it’s comfortable doing and what’s natural for an older non-smoker and just eat and let myself gain however many more pounds I’m gonna gain, cuz it’s hungry on just one TV dinner, a bowl of popcorn, and some graham crackers a day, and we only live once.

Later…

The bitch just got dropped off by the Caddy. Then who was the prick in the white car talking to if she was gone all day?

I should never have quit smoking, as much as I’ve wanted to for years. I just swapped in one problem for another. When I smoked, I could sometimes breathe, but now that I traded in the cigs for the fat, I’m not sometimes thin. My breathing trouble varied as a smoker, but as a fat person, there’s no varying from thin to fat. This is a new kind of fat. One that I’ve never had to deal with before and that stays with me no matter what. Like a faithful lover hugging me and surrounding me constantly.

Acceptance. Acceptance is the key.

TUESDAY, JULY 7, 1998
Somehow, I’m not surprised, but Andy never came over. I hope today he’ll be out looking for a job even if it’s the same old thing that he’ll only have for a week. Right now, he’s not even trying. Not one ounce of effort has he put into it as far as I know.

At 8:00 last night, I heard the bitch talking to someone whose voice I couldn’t hear for about 5 minutes. Again, as loud as the bitch talks, I couldn’t make out a word.

Then a half-hour later it rained big time! Lots of rain came down, but not much in the way of thunder and lightning.

I was really pissed at God yesterday for letting poor Tom be run through the mill for nothing. According to the car dealer, there’s nothing wrong with the car. So he had to end up staying up for about 34 hours for nothing. And today he can’t catch up on his sleep, either cuz his mother has an appointment that he has to take her to after he gets out of work.

I may not be up tomorrow when the dentist’s office calls to remind me of my appointment, no matter who ends up calling.

After eating just one low-fat/cal TV dinner yesterday, and some grapes, peaches, popcorn, and graham crackers, I woke up almost back to 120. Like I said, 120s is as low as I can go, but if I can keep it nailed down at 120 and not rise above that - fine. I’ll settle for that if I must, but I just wish it wasn’t so hard to do! I’m starving all the time.

Later…

Ma found the box that didn’t get here! I was shocked. Apparently, Dad wrote the wrong number on it. He reversed it, I guess, and it ended up in Jacksonville, but is now on its way here.

Later…

Mama bitch’s last batch of kittens must now be able to fend for themselves, cuz she’s hanging in the yard a lot again. She’s skinny now, but I’m sure she just conceived her next batch and I’ll look forward to them being born so she’s out of the yard a lot again. I’m surprised White Paws hasn’t had a second batch yet and that the bitch’s last batch isn’t in our yard yet.

It dawned on me, though, that the bitch could’ve had the kittens at the side of the freeloader’s house since there really aren’t any other dogless yards around, and front yards and alleys are out of the question. If the freeloaders found the kittens, they probably got rid of them somehow. If they can’t have a dog, that wouldn’t necessarily mean they’d want kittens. They don’t bark.

Today Lisa’s leaving for Florida (and I guess Sarah and Becky are, too) and she won’t be back for two weeks. Please, God, look out for her! Don’t let Bill hit her. I know you love a child-smacker God, but I don’t. So please, just this once, keep this girl safe. Keep Bill’s paws to himself.

I not only feel like God’s blessed me in several ways, but I feel like he’s a thief, too. I don’t just feel like he stole my right to choose as a woman, and that he stole my figure, among other things, but I feel like he’s stolen things from me, too. His seeing to it that that fan broke makes me feel like he’s taken the fan from me. I can’t have that fan cuz he won’t let it work and I feel like that’s the same as if he reached an arm down and swiped it. Same goes for the clothes I’m giving Laura. I feel like I’m being forced, once again, out of these clothes which I loved. I want to wear my leopard cut-off jeans, but I can’t cuz God won’t let me cuz he won’t let me be thin again. It’s like he’s stolen these clothes and making me give them up against my will.

Later…

Wow. Andy did show up to use the pool after all, but he didn’t take the bag of clothes cuz he didn’t know they were for him to take. He didn’t get the messages I left till after he returned home. He said that yes, he did get chased by bees and was only here for 10 minutes. He said he could hear us talking, but not make out what we were saying. Well, I appreciate his not knocking and interrupting us.

Andy says he’s going to look for a job today. God, please let him find one and please let him keep this job for over a week!

Later…

It’s a good thing I’m not asleep now and that Tom’s a heavy sleeper, cuz tonight’s storm is even louder than last night’s. It was so nice, though, cuz until the lightning and thunder got closer, I was in the pool. I love it when it’s light enough to see any dead bugs on the water’s surface, but when I can swim without fear of bees. The water was beautiful, too.

It rained hard a couple of times and of course, I’m forced to play the game of leak and bucket. Now we’re even leaking in the music room. Tom says it’s probably come through where the AC attaches to the roof and they just didn’t seal it up very well. I knew we wouldn’t be getting a free AC without some problems attached but why is God so obsessed with sticking us with car trouble and leaks?

Tweety likes the storm. He’s out there singing to it.

OK, now I don’t know what the fuck I heard for sure, but I could’ve sworn that about an hour ago, I heard that dog bark once that they had from July to December and I did have a July dog vibe, even though it faded somewhat. A little while ago I heard an obvious, deliberate car door slam in the freeloader’s carport. If he’s back, a dog makes sense. The cock and a dog would go hand in hand, and I’ll have Tom take a look when he leaves for work. Cuz at that hour, the dog, if there is one over there, wouldn’t be in the yard. It’d be hooked to the car in the carport for me to hear.

A white car just left the freeloaders. I don’t know why it bothered to pull into the carport if it was just to drop the bitch off and why they had to slam doors 4-5 times, but with the way these people are obsessed with being heard, acknowledged, and noticed by me, you never know for sure what’s on these sick fuck’s minds. And they wish I’d accept them, too, and realize they’re just as good as whites, according to the bitch that called us a few months back preaching about that. Yeah right! They can all go fuck themselves as far as I’m concerned. A good 98% of them are fucked and you know what? I’ve learned that blacks in a house in a white, middle-class, normal, decent neighborhood are no different than blacks in a project. I wouldn’t piss on them things next door if they were on fire.

I’d say that there’s definitely not a dog next door, though, cuz by now I’d have heard a million barks if it were there. If a dog comes over there at any time, though, I’m calling housing and getting rid of it.

MONDAY, JULY 6, 1998
Tom’s out now taking care of God’s favorite work to sic us with - car trouble. It’ll be in the dealer’s shop for a day or two, so we’re gonna be getting a rental car ourselves. Sometimes it feels like we’re never gonna get ahead. I mean, I know there are people older than us with much less than we have, and that we’ve come a long way financially, and that we’ll progress even more in time, but we’re middle-aged now and stuck with two dumpy houses and two shitty cars. This is like 20s kind of thing. I thought that most folks should be doing better than that by the time they reached their 30s and 40s. I kind of feel like we’re the underdogs of both our families. Everyone else has the better houses, the better cars, the better jobs, and their sex and sex parts were probably never hexed, either (except for Mary). I know I’m being a bit selfish and spoiled by saying these things. Some people don’t even have the two shitty houses and cars to begin with. I sure as hell had nothing but a dumpy apartment and no car or pool at one time, so I shouldn’t complain. This is heaven compared to what I used to have.

One thing I’ve really learned over the years is just how blessing and cursing God can be. He threw me from one problem to another. Took me out of the cigarette problem and into a weight problem. They say the first year is always the toughest when it comes to a major change. I wish accepting and adapting to my new weight took just 4 months like it took me to adapt to not smoking. Acceptance will come in time as long as I don’t push it. I’ve had to accept several things in the past and I can accept a life of fatness, too. I have no choice. I have to, cuz this fat’s not going anywhere. I will never ever be thin again and I tell myself that every day to help drill reality and acceptance into me. I try to remind myself that it’s the person that counts. I’m still me with the same old heart and soul underneath this big body and I can still lead a happy, productive life as a big person.

I sent Andy a phone card which I’m sure he’ll use within the first hour he receives it, along with a letter. I threw in some encouraging words for him and reminded him that if true love is meant to be, we don’t have to go out looking for it. It’ll come to us. I also copied in an excerpt from 1988 (one of our prank phone calling sprees), and one about Melanie.

Speaking of Melanie, I wonder if she’ll be the one to call me this Wednesday to remind me of our Thursday appointment. She calls me on Fridays to remind me of our usual Monday appointments cuz it’s obviously convenient for her to do so on Fridays and the secretary that’s usually there isn’t there on Fridays. At least I think she isn’t. I’ve never been called by Melanie on any other day other than Friday, so we’ll see, but I doubt it’ll be her calling on Wednesday.

My ma says she’ll be putting out a trace on that box to see why I didn’t get it. I know why I didn’t get it. I didn’t get it cuz it was misdelivered and the person that got the box isn’t about to return it to me. Must be my punishment for opening and keeping the bitch’s mail. But the punishment doesn’t seem to fit the crime. She got basically junk mail. We’re talking about objects for me.

It’s a good thing I was up at 9:30 PM on the 4th. That way I could see the fireworks they usually have at the fairgrounds from out back and not be woken up by them.

I wouldn’t let Tom touch me yesterday and he didn’t even ask to. He didn’t need to. Not with his fears and his preferring to take care of himself.

Later…

Oh great! This is just fucking great. God, get this dude off my ass and into a job that he can keep for more than a week! Yeah, Andy just left a message. He’s gonna sell some CDs cuz he needs the money, wants to know if I want to go with him to sell CDs of my own, and then he wants to come over and go swimming and get fed. He says he has to beg. Well, why doesn’t he just put down the weed and phone and go out and get a job?

Maybe this sounds cruel since he helped me when I needed it, but I’m gonna leave him a message later saying I was asleep when he called. I just don’t want to give in to him cuz then he’ll make a habit of it and we don’t have much food here. As I’ll tell him, I don’t have much food cuz although I may not be able to get back down to 100 pounds, I don’t want to go above 120-125 pounds, either. Meanwhile, I don’t have any CDs to sell, and he can use the pool whenever he wants. Just don’t knock on the door if there’s no answer, and keep the gate shut so Bunny doesn’t get out. I’ll also let him know a phone card is on its way to him since the phone is as important to him as food.

Later…

Andy just left another message, chewing away on the phone since I’ve asked him not to do that cuz it’s so gross, saying he’s gonna come over to go swimming, but won’t knock on the door. He better shut that gate and not let Bunny out. Maybe I’ll go out when I hear him out there and say I just got up, but he’s not getting any of our food. He’s a big boy and he’s not disabled in the way I am with a scheduling problem and he’s not a retard like Fran, so he has to get off his own ass and get a job and learn to shut up and keep it. I’m sick of his pestering me with the phone and I’ll be damned now if he thinks he can turn our kitchen into a restaurant. I guess he got his neighbor to feed him and is gonna go food shopping later with the CD money. He also says he’ll be over to use the pool in two hours, which really means 4 or none at all.

Later…

I just left Andy a message lecturing him about getting a job in a loving, positive, yet firm way. I told him he could use the pool anytime as long as he doesn’t knock on the door when he gets no answer by phone and as long as he shuts the gate, but no food. I’m also leaving the clothes I’ll never be thin enough again to wear (or at least not in the near future) for him to give to Laura. I may or may not pop out to say hi to him when and if he gets here.

Later…

Andy’s still not here. Let me guess, he just said he was gonna come use the pool in the hopes of playing phone with me, huh? Well, he either shows up to use the pool or he doesn’t, but he just better remember not to knock if he wants to stay alive cuz Tom’s crashed on the living room couch.

Sometimes I feel that if I don’t hear from Andy for at least a year, it’ll be too soon.

The thought of having to go hungry for the rest of my life just to maintain the same weight, which is still 20 pounds too much for me, is a bit depressing. I try not to let it get me down since there’s nothing I can do about it and since being bummed about it won’t change it. It’s either go hungry on just a bite a day or keep gaining weight till I’m like my sister at 200 pounds.

I wonder if it’ll storm tonight. It’s very windy out now. The wind’s blowing in a steady stream like a giant fan blowing.

SUNDAY, JULY 5, 1998
So far, the weekend’s been a pleasant one, save for the usual sex bullshit.

I saw El Cocko’s car Friday at just after noon and thought it was an odd time to see his car. It worried me, but it doesn’t look like he’s moved back in yet. He will, though. In time. It’s inevitable. I haven’t seen its car since, but yesterday, some blue car I’ve never seen before must’ve dropped the bitch off. She actually went elsewhere for the day. If he were still in the picture, though, I’m sure something would’ve been going on here. Anyway, I heard the kid wailing and a few adult voices. I saw a big male freeloader who may have had some hair but couldn’t tell for sure who it was. These things all look the same. It left with the music at an acceptable volume, which is lucky for them, cuz one more outburst, holiday or not, and they’re out of here. Anyway, that’s all that’s been heard so far this weekend from next door.

Throughout the weekend, Tom worked on both our computers, but mainly mine. He made mine faster, but he had a lot of problems, too. I like the faster computer and I like the new version of AOL I’m using. It lets me choose fonts in the email and even lets me insert background pictures and things like that. I asked my folks what version they have. If they have 3.0 and not 4.0, then I can’t use these new features for them. This thing also has a spell checker, too.

It was muggy last night, and we even had some unexpected rain. It stopped a few hours ago and the sun’s poking through and drying things up. At 9:30 this morning, we took advantage of the light drizzle we had and went for a beeless swim. They are so bad this year! They come to the pool in 2s and 3s constantly. Sometimes there are even 4 at once! Usually, they come one at a time and there’s a 3-5-minute gap in between trips. Not this year! This year’s really making up for last year’s low bee count. I won’t swim unless it’s raining or dark.

I got a kick out of what I did to that bitch of a cat yesterday. Not White Paws, but mama bitch. I chased her out of the yard and when she realized I was too close behind her and that she wouldn’t have time to scale the block wall, she turned around and I veered her off into the pool. It was only for a second, though. As soon as she fell in, she got out a second later and ran off towards the side of the house.

Lisa called yesterday in tears. Mark’s 18-year-old daughter is becoming a regular little Jenny C, I guess. She and Lisa are friends and get along well, but Lisa, who cut herself again, is finding that some people don’t want to be around you when you’re down. This girl told Lisa, “Every time I come over, you’re always doing suicidal things.” When I say she’s become a regular little Jenny C, what I mean is that she’s willing to associate with Lisa when Lisa’s happy, but not when she’s depressed. Tom pointed out, though, that this is not something that’s necessarily easy for an 18-year-old to handle, but still. She should stick by Lisa if she’s a true friend and I told Lisa this.

Some therapist she’s got, too. It’s like she’s either blind or is a biology/meds/hospital freak like too many of them are. First Lisa says this therapist thinks the vacation would do her good, but now she wants Lisa in the hospital. The problem is Tammy. Can’t she see that? She needs to get out of that house! Not to Florida with her dad punching her out, not to a hospital, but out of that house and to a place where she won’t be abused emotionally or physically.

I believe that someday, just like with me, Lisa will stop cutting herself. All one can do is tell her it’s wrong, but then she must go at her own pace and do whatever she’s gonna do. I just hope it won’t take something as extreme as window-jumping to get her to learn her lesson. She’s gonna have to learn it the hard way, but how hard of a way will it be? It scares and saddens me.

She said she’s depressed a lot and sometimes she doesn’t even know why. I suggested she look into her diet. Maybe she doesn’t eat right. Maybe vitamins will help her. Not eating right can mess with moods, so we’ll see.

I just heard a car door that sounded like it could’ve been next door, but I didn’t see anything when I looked out. It’s prime time for them, too. These are their peak hours to come alive.

I got Lisa laughing at the end of our conversation. When I was in Natchaug she snuck a note on my pillow which I found after she, Tammy, and Dad left on one of their visits. It was so sweet, and I think I’ve still got it somewhere around here. She said she really looked up to me then. I told her that I was sorry I wasn’t able to return the favor and leave her a surprise note when she was in Natchaug.

How right people are when they say that age really affects your metabolism and weight. One can control their weight from getting sky-high, but not be thin again. Yesterday, I woke up at 120 again. Did that for about a week. But then I ended up throwing it away by eating myself back up to that infamous 124 cuz I’d gotten some Chinese food. I awoke at 122 today, but who knows how long it’ll be before I’m 120 again? I know I can never be thin again, but I want to try to keep my weight around 120. If I’d been eating normally all along (normal for me is still less than what’s normal for the average person) I’d be in the 140s now, so I can control it to a degree. I could never get under 120, but I can keep from going over 125. My metabolism isn’t at a complete standstill like it was for a while, but it’s still very very slow. Just one extra bite can cost me a few pounds. It’s either a few bites a day and going hungry almost all the time or eating normally and having my weight keep climbing to God knows how high. I can’t afford to let my weight go over 125 cuz then I can barely get in my “rock-out” position and I don’t want to have to keep getting new clothes periodically. All I, or Jenny Craig, or Weight Watchers, or groups like that could do for me would be to control my weight, not lessen it. Again, I could lessen it if I stopped eating, but that’s not something I want to do at this time. Maybe I could bring my weight down in notches like I mentioned before, since I’ve noticed a pattern, but I just don’t have the strength, tolerance, or willpower for that. Maybe I will someday, but for now, I can’t live on just liquids.

Sex is the same old games, lies, and excuses it is 95% of the time. I’m mid-cycle now, so since my husband, who can’t come out and say, “Look. I really don’t want a kid, I’m 95% sure you’re sterile and not 100%, so let’s not screw today,” we had to play games instead. The usual - wouldn’t go inside, went soft, blamed it on some bogus thing. He was lined up just fine, I guided him in as usual, but as soon as he was in, that old subconscious fear kicked in and he deflated. Then this time, he blamed it on feeling like he was rubbing against bone or something that hard that hurt him. And I also need to let him stick it in there from now on. I do? Since when? There’d be no problem with my sticking it in there if he’d just let himself stay hard enough to get in there, and if he’d just drop his silly fears. But I know we can’t help what’s in our subconscious. I just wish he’d stop being so stubborn and not deny my belief of a subconscious fear going on within him. I wish he’d consider it and look into it, but nope. So maybe this is conscious. Maybe he knows what he’s doing and enjoys it. He didn’t seem so upset afterward. Instead, he was all playful and cheery. He didn’t act anything like a man who didn’t get his fun would normally act. Well, he has a hand. He can take care of himself and so can I. I can’t keep going round and round in circles here with the same old bullshit, games, lies, denial, and lame excuses for another 5 years. The 5 years I’ve already had are more than enough for me. He’s gonna have to fend for himself, which is obviously what he prefers most of the time and he doesn’t seem to mind, especially around mid-cycle time.

And of course, there’s always God who’s still acting like there’s some big pregnancy to delay. It’s all so fucking weird! Why would God still want to hex me sexually? Can’t he see it doesn’t hurt or faze me like it used to? I’ll write about how our sex life is, whenever there is one which there isn’t too often, but I’m too used to it for it to affect me negatively anymore.

Later…

I forgot to say earlier, that while there are signs pointing to Tom having a subconscious fear/problem, there are also things that point the other way. After our little charade yesterday, we were discussing it and at one point I told him I bet he wouldn’t go down on me, then screw me. His response was that he’d go down on me, but not screw, cuz he had to work on the computers. He’d been working on the computers all along, so why were they suddenly more important? See? He didn’t even want to screw all along. I’m sure he took care of himself.

Later…

Here’s another thing I forgot to mention since not writing for a few days makes you forget some stuff - I got a message from Andy. Last Friday I left him a message asking what was going on with him and he left me a message saying that the reason he hasn’t called is cuz he feels like a loser. He said he’s a jobless loser, getting fired really fucked with his head, he’s not suicidal but he’s miserable and tired of being alone and penniless. He said I didn’t need to call him back cuz I didn’t need his misery.

I called him back, but not live. I used the message send to let him know he can confide in me when he’s down, not to think he’s a burden to me, and maybe, just maybe, once again, this is a sign saying he should either get out of the restaurant business or think of heading back east. I told him to call me when he’s ready to and wished him luck for when he goes job hunting again.

FRIDAY, JULY 3, 1998
What kind of a weekend will I be in for? It’s a bummer that July 4th has to fall on a Saturday. They’re gonna be shooting off fireworks like hell when it comes time for me to go to bed. I’m never gonna get any sleep this weekend, and God only knows what I’m in for this weekend from next door. At this point, even if he stays out of the picture, there’s no telling what kinds of sick pals the bitch will invite over. Or how many kids she’ll have playing ball.

Ma says she’ll look into why I didn’t receive that package, but I’m sure it was misdelivered. And if it was, we sure as hell will never see it.

THURSDAY, JULY 2, 1998
Well, it looks like good old UPS lost a package my folks sent. She said that at around the same time they sent out Tom’s birthday present, give or take a day or two, she sent out a box with greeting cards and other knickknacks. Well, if we haven’t gotten it yet, we aren’t getting it.

As soon as the sun comes up, I’m gonna dust, vacuum, and change the mice’s cages. Tom’s gonna mow later on. I had bad allergies again yesterday and some congestion and wheezing. Was it something in the air? Was it for holding down at 120 pounds for 4-5 days?

Later…

It stuns me to say this, but Caddy Kid went by quietly just now and yesterday, I didn’t even hear him.

I used the wireless headphones to dust, vacuum, and clean the mice’s cages and it was great. I used them for nearly two hours and by then, they’d gotten a little bit of static, but not much. I’m recharging them now.

I just got out of the shower and when my hair dries in 5 years, I think I’ll straighten it.

Later…

Here we go again. I go a few days where I’m not hungry, and then I go a few days where I’m starving, and back and forth over and over again. I’m on one of my famished trips where nothing I eat satisfies my hunger. I knew that giving in to this hunger would mean going back up to 124, but I said fuck it and gave in. I’m fat, always will be, and I just don’t give a shit anymore. Life’s too full of other things to do rather than to sit and waste my time over shit I can’t change.

Later…

This is what I just asked my sister in my letter to her, “How could you let Lisa go to Florida with a violent man who hits her???!!! Aren’t you afraid of losing custody of the kids on account of that asshole? How can any court allow a man like that near any child?! And why are you letting her stay with your ex-in-laws? Didn’t you say she too, was abusive (verbally/emotionally)?”

As I told Tammy, I know it’s absolutely none of my business, but I just don’t understand. How could any mother let her kids near a child-beater?

I called to see how Lisa was doing and she said that she’s leaving for Florida on Tuesday and will be gone for two weeks. Becky and Sarah are going, too, and they’ll be staying at Bill’s parents’ condo. They’ll be visiting my folks, I guess, but then again, Tammy doesn’t want the kids associating with them, so who knows? I’ll find out what happened and how many times Bill hit Lisa when she gets back.

I asked her how her talk with her therapist went as far as her moving out of there and she said her therapist said she should wait and thinks this trip will do her good. A trip with a child-beater? Yes, the trip may do her good, omitting Bill’s hitting, but when she comes back, Tammy and her problems in that household will still be there waiting for her.

I surprised Tammy by calling her at work (at Mark’s sharpening business) but she couldn’t get into it at that moment. If she and Mark break up, where is she gonna work and what’s she gonna do for money? Bill’s child support payments can’t be enough for them.

White Paws sometimes disappears. Does this mean she’s had more kittens somewhere? I better go take a look around the yard.

Later…

Caddy Kid decided not to keep a lid on it when coming home for lunch. It’s just my luck that the neighborhood boom car stereo gets to go home for lunch, too. Anyway, it blasted by really loud. As long as it doesn’t wake me up, I just have to live with it if I don’t want God to do something else to me. It’s either that or something else in its place. I gotta hear something. God put Caddy Kid back on the road when the cock split with his constant door slams and his friend’s constant door slams.

WEDNESDAY, JULY 1, 1998
I tell myself to enjoy the peace from Andy’s constant phone calls while it lasts, but I worry about him. This isn’t like him to not call me for what? Nearly a week now? Maybe he’s just super busy looking for another job, but if I don’t hear from him by Friday, I’ll call him again, and if he can’t, then maybe Laura can tell me what’s going on. Unless he and Laura were killed together in a car accident, which I don’t vibe, then Laura would call me to let me know if something was up with Andy, I’d hope. And if anything happened to him and Laura wouldn’t Michelle contact me?

This time, I’m gonna be at the front window as soon as the Caddy arrives next door, so I can see if I can get a handle on what’s going on there with that and with the freeloaders. For that freeloader to show up two mornings in a row tells me he’s probably not picking up stuff of his he forgot, but maybe he’s picking up the animal. I’m sure that Monday and Tuesday, the Caddy did take the bitch somewhere. It brings her back around 5:00.

Once again, I thought about talking to Caddy Kid when he bangs by at 7:30 at an ungodly volume that even the freeloaders never used, but what good would it do? It’d just say “Sure! No problem,” then conveniently forget to turn the music down upon cruising by here, cuz it doesn’t give a shit about others any more than the freeloaders do. It’d be just another phony mother-fucker. The only way to stop it would be to beat the shit out of it, but there’s no way I could get away with that cuz there’d be too many witnesses. Although, if Caddy kid or witnesses pointed me out and said I beat up this dude, would the pigs really buy it? I doubt it. I bet I could lie my way right out of it. Well, we’ll see. It hasn’t woken me up again yet, but if it becomes a wake-up call problem, then yes, I’ll smash its brain right into its stereo itself.

Later…

OK, it is to get the kid that El Cocko pops in in the mornings lately. So, he’s definitely not too far away as I had felt, and they’re definitely not getting along, cuz he just pulled up to the curb, jumped out of the car, and took the kid without a word to the bitch. Anyway, in order of happenings - at 7:15 the bitch walked up and down her driveway twice with the kid slung over her shoulder as if impatiently looking for her ride. She had on a red dress and her hair was tucked under at the nape of her neck. The Caddy came at 7:17. Three minutes later he came, grabbed the kid, then split. Another two minutes later, the bitch left in the Caddy with just a few door-slams this morning. So the bitch is working.

Well, they may not be getting along now, which is nice, cuz then I have much less door slamming and stress to deal with, but they’ll kiss and make up. It’s just a matter of time, then he’ll be back.

I wonder what kind of shit I’m in for this July 4th weekend. I’m hoping that kids won’t want to come over and play ball in this intense heat and that with him out of the way, it’ll be quiet, but you never know. This bitch has some sick, rude friends just like her that’d love to badger me with noise, so we’ll see.

Again, this bitch is lucky to be getting rides that she can depend on. Most people in her situation would be forced to take the bus, including myself.

There’s something I don’t get, though, about our lovely freeloaders. If they’re such good pals with the Lopezs who obviously do daycare, why can’t the bitch leave the mistake with them? Did they have a falling out? I wouldn’t be surprised if they did, but then again, they’re made for each other. Assholes go hand in hand with other assholes.

Later…

Since getting a little smaller, I’m able to fit into one of my favorite sundresses again, but I’d still look much better in it if I were 20 pounds lighter. Not a chance, though. Not a chance.

Tom cut out a piece of wall in between the hall and bedroom closet. Strangely enough, there was insulation there. Who’d want to insulate an interior wall? He put a grill in this hole he made. The idea is for the AC to circulate its air through the bedroom, through the vent in the closet door, then through the vent in the wall when the bedroom door’s shut. It was getting way too hot in there.

Fortunately, the bitch is obviously picking up the kid at the end of the day with her ride, rather than having the kid dropped off by Daddy. That’s one less door-slamming spree I have to hear and one less case of stress and worrying that he’s gonna blast in, I’m gonna lose my cool.

Where is this boy, though? The teenager. I never see him. Hell, I didn’t even know he existed till that day I threatened to shoot the dog cuz they were stupid enough to leave it outside my bedroom window to bark at 2-a-fucking-clock in the goddamn morning. They were really asking for shit from me, but anyway, I wonder why it is that I never hear or see him? He must’ve not lived there for long cuz wouldn’t he and the bitch make damn sure he played ball every day in regard to me? That may have been the kid I saw two weekends ago where they had a little slip and had some aqua car banging about. The same day the bitch came in in a white van. But anyway, I never hear or see this dude.

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Last updated June 19, 2024