March 1998 in 1990s

TUESDAY, MARCH 31, 1998
I’d have just been woken up for damn sure if I were asleep. There’s this white caddy that began going by about a week ago at around 12:30. It plays its music really, really fucking loud. Even louder than next door’s ever played theirs. Once again, how did these things ever come to be legal? I can’t believe they’d allow something like this what with how they’re strict on a driver being able to hear sirens. Then again, with all the lonely, desperate, selfish, rude, sick fucks out there, I can believe anything. But why the need to get just anyone’s attention? If I were that lonely and desperate, I could see seeking the attention of a good love or of a good friend, but thousands of strangers? Why would I want to be noticed and acknowledged by them? This isn’t just an I-like-my-music-loud thing, either. It’s a definite I-want-to-be-heard obsession.

Later…

Tom got in about an hour ago. Soon he’ll be conking out.

I was doing my puzzle that’s in the living room before that room became anything but peaceful when the little animals arrived to play ball.

When Tom came in he saw two black women arrive next door quietly in a dark green car and right now the city bums are getting their carpet cleaned for nothing. I wish the city would come in to clean our carpet and pick up the tab, too.

So maybe this explains his going out at a time he’s usually in for the night, and his returning so late. Perhaps he was moving his shit out so his presence wouldn’t be discovered.

I wish it could be that they’re installing new carpet cuz the city’s fixing to sell that house, but nope, they’re getting it cleaned, and I don’t have any vibes of them moving.

It’ll take them a couple of hours to do their thing, I guess, then the carpet cleaning van will be moved and out of there in time for today’s two-hour ball game.

I take that back. The van just left. That was awfully quick. Maybe one of them puked their guts out on one area of the carpet and they were just cleaning that.

Anyway, most kids are out of school now, so the ball game will begin any minute. The later the better, though, cuz then there aren’t as many hours till sundown. Don’t these kids have homework to do or dinner to eat after school?

Oh, I went out last night and gave them a good 60 seconds or so of pot cover clanking, but if they heard it, I don’t know.

Later…

Oh, my fucking God! I cannot believe how bad and out of control this stereo shit has gotten. That’s gotta be at least the 6th fucking stereo to go banging by today. I think we’re looking at having to get my stereo into the bedroom to add its bass beats to the ones outside, on top of the fan and sound machine. Tom said they haven’t woken me up yet. But they will. At this rate, they surely will, so why wait for it to happen? And my stereo’s gonna have to be cranked up pretty loud itself to match or override the sick fucks cruising by. And how many of these sick fucks would turn their music down when passing through if they were asked? None. Absolutely none. They’d laugh and say they didn’t give a fuck. They want it to bother people. Not just for people to hear it, but to be bothered by it, too.

I knew there’d come a time, too, that God would start compensating me for being able to sleep so much better since late ‘93 or so. And that he certainly wouldn’t compensate the peace with a child of my own. Nope. It’s gotta be other people’s kids, dogs, stereos, etc.

Later…

Blackie, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean it! I was out there guarding them from mama bitch while they ate, and was sipping on coffee. Once I got down to the last few swallows, I was all coffeed out, so I threw the rest right as Blackie ran into it. Oops. Well, at least it’ll be tasty for her when she goes to lick herself clean.

For the first time in ages, I changed things around as far as colors go on the computer. It’s so-so.

To my utter amazement, there was no ball game today.

Once again, is he in the process of moving out or what? He just slammed in, and he’s not done yet! He’s usually in for the night around now, but he’s going out again. So, I guess he’ll slam doors on and off till 11:00 just like last night, huh? And my vibe/theory was right - no ball game, but more stereos. Just like the freeloaders slam doors more often if they’re not gonna do the music thing.

Let me back up a bit here. As I think I said, it wasn’t in for the night when it usually is last night. It left again at 8:30 and didn’t return till 11:00.

Shortly after the carpet people left earlier, like close to 5:00, he pulled in and I could hear kids and adults. On and off, no one could’ve played ball if they wanted to, cuz the car was in the way. I put my ear to the door and heard a kid say hi to one of the adult male freeloaders and he said hi back. This kid was probably from where the guard dogs are. They’re always out and about. I don’t think I heard the bitch, and don’t know who the male freeloader was for sure. Could’ve been Mike and the teenage boy, but one of them sounded older. All I made out was, “they close” and “open tomorrow night” and a few other things I can’t remember. Something about meeting or being somewhere at 10:00, and that’s about it.

They talked for about 10 minutes, he then split, then returned a while ago. And he came out to slam doors, too, so I’m sort of hoping he is really packing shit (along with trying to irk me). As I was trying to make out their conversation, I picked up the feeling that something’s going on, but can’t say for sure. If he is fixing to go anywhere, I know it’ll just be for a week. That still doesn’t mean he won’t be around on weekends or gone for too long.

Well, as I’m hanging out reading and writing, I’ll fill you in on whatever else I hear.

Later…

The freeloader left just a few minutes ago unless he just came out to slam the door or pack something or both.

Meanwhile, these fucking cats just won’t leave me alone at night! They’re so distracting. I swear, I’ll starve these things for a few days if they don’t get off my case! The only problem with that, though, is that if I starve them, they won’t let Bunny eat. They chase him off when I serve him food so he can’t eat.

I just made a small change within the mice’s multi-part home. I have them about 4’ from the computer. I made them a ramp that leads to up top of the monitor. So now they can come see me when I type. They’re sleeping in tonight, though. No one’s up yet.

Later…

I think the freeloader just came in, so I’ll have to listen to him slam shit around for a couple of hours.

MONDAY, MARCH 30, 1998
Lisa called earlier. She got expelled for calling her teacher an anorexic bitch. She also denies she’s smoking. She said she tried it again and hated it, so she’s chewing gum like crazy. I don’t know if she’s telling the truth or not, but it’s her life.

She said she wants to please her mom, but can’t, so she has suicidal thoughts at times.

She said she and Jen were looking at a picture of me insisting I was pretty and skinny. Well, they’d both be very disappointed if they saw their aunt now, who’s a good 20 pounds heavier than she was in the picture she was talking about.

This will be her first and probably last time she can ever laugh at me and rub her weather into me, seeing that they’re now actually warmer than us. They’re having a record high in the 80s and here it’s barely 70º cuz of the storms.

Later…

I fucking knew it! I just fucking knew it! I was right with what my vibes told me, and I will have to listen to them play ball every day. Tom says they’re connected with them. Well, whether or not they’re associates of the freeloaders or not, I’m sure Miss Bitch had a talk with these little ballplayers and asked them to play daily on account of me. As soon as they heard about my city letter. They just gotta do something. They are so fucking obsessed with me. They are so desperate and want so desperately for me to hear them. Well, come 2 AM, they’re gonna hear me clanking pot covers together.

I can’t seem to budge from just under 125 pounds, but like I said, I know I never will regardless of what I do, so I’m back to eating whatever I want whenever I want.

Later…

After an hour and a half, the ball game finally ended. Damn, how I wish that lock fit that net! They’d just go do something else, though, or replace the net entirely. Fucking, fucking freeloaders, man! God, I hate them! And today’s one of those days I love, cuz I ask myself, “Why would you want to have something you can’t handle? (a kid) Why bring more noise and chaos into your life? Why lose yet even more time with Tom?”

Anyway, the freeloader was on his door-slamming spree, so the letter didn’t boot him out of here. At least the music’s been quiet until it becomes a problem again, and I know it will sooner or later. And yes, ball games and door slams are better than music and can be drowned out, but these naughty freeloaders still aren’t gonna get any sleep tonight. Oh, no Siree! At around 2 AM I’ll be giving them a wake-up call. They’re still gonna have to realize that making noise, means getting woken up if they’ve even got the brains to put two and two together. Tom’s right - they don’t mind noise, but I’m sure they’d mind getting woken up. If I only knew for sure that they were getting woken up, too! God, I hope so! Please let this wake them up. I mean, it’s just a few feet from their living room window, the bedroom’s right off of that, and the carport/block wall amplifies the sound, so how can they not? Could they sleep that soundly? I hope not. I sure as hell hope they do get woken up. Leave it to God, though, to protect them from me late at night. Only they can do shit to me, remember?

We got Tweety a new cuttlebone.

Another organization asking for money that claims they save animals when they really use the money to put animals to sleep, sent me some address labels, stickers, and 4 so-so animal cards. I’m using them for Mother’s and Father’s Day, my mom’s birthday, and Becky’s, too. Mom will be getting some Mother’s Day confetti – hee, hee! All the pretty colorful little bits of paper that were punched out when I was binding my proofreading papers, will be in her card, so when she pulls the card out, what a mess!

Even though it’s not in my cards to lose weight, I’m proud of myself for eating less and less. I’m not so hungry every second of the day as I was during the first few months of not smoking. I know my metabolism’s too slow to lose weight and that God surely won’t speed it up, but maybe in June when it’s really hot and I’m in the pool a lot, I’ll lose a few pounds. Perhaps I’ll get into the 110s, if not to 100. All I had to eat today was some popcorn and some soup. I had a few Cheetos, too, but that’s it. You could say a part of it is my rebelling against God, too. If he’s gonna be so into body control, I may as well join in.

It’s now at the point where you can hear stereos every day. Before long, they’ll be every 5 minutes. However, today there were only two that I knew of. Perhaps that’s in exchange for the long ball game? We’ll see when they come to play ball again for 1-2 hours tomorrow.

We screwed around earlier and that was the usual. I came, he didn’t. He said he always has a hard time after we don’t do it for a while. Well, does he want to? I mean, I know we can’t help our schedules and busyness, but if this is true and not just another excuse, maybe he ensures our not having sex that often to ensure not cumming as much. Me? I’m still content to do it once every week or two. I still have that goddamn irritation, too, but God will be God now, won’t he? What if we do undergo testing? I know you can’t fight God and win and no child is in our destiny, but how are they gonna test him? They can’t just take sperm from a guy, the guy has to give it. When I learned this I was like, oh great! If he won’t let his wife have his cum, he’s certainly not going to let a doctor have it. There’s no way in hell he can squirt on command in a cup. God’s really stacked all the odds against me that he could. Why couldn’t he just leave our sex lives alone? Couldn’t he just let that be normal? But no, he had to go add insult to injury as if defective plumbing and all the other shit I’ve been through isn’t enough. How much more different can he make me? How much more can he punish me?

From now on Tom’s not going to work till 1:30 AM. He’ll get in around noon - 1 PM. He has to stop at our other house on his way home. Fortunately, it’s on his way, though.

I’m a bit ticked at Mary. Just cuz she has to feel superior to someone, Tom has to be the one to do their work for them. I always thought Mary and Dave were an odd couple. Most couples tend to be alike since the same types attract. Dave, who’s incompetent and can’t do shit on cars or houses, was always someone I pictured a person like Mary to look down on and to feel that they’re not good enough for her. According to Tom, though, Mary likes that. She likes to feel superior.

Later…

That stupid fuck! That freeloader has been slamming doors on and off all fucking night. It slammed out at the unusual hour of about 9:00 and I had hoped that it was loading up its car cuz it was moving out little by little, but it just slammed back in. Do these freeloaders realize how obvious they are? I know that if they don’t do the music scene, they’ll slam doors and vice versa, but why are they so obsessed with me and desperately wanting to be heard by me?! Weird. Real fucking weird. Maybe the freeloader really is moving, although I don’t sense it. I told you when my feeling of them moving, or one of them moving, around the New Year faded, and I was right. I have excellent accuracy when it comes to vibing out some things, like the freeloader, our sex lives, the kid issue, etc. I tell you, no one’s this paranoid. I have to have my suspicions about Tom not wanting a kid for a reason. If his conscience isn’t saying he doesn’t want a kid, then his subconscious is. Anyway, when it comes to the freeloader, I’m never wrong. Almost never, anyhow. Aside from the constant ball games that’ll probably run into June, things will be pretty much the same till around May, then I’m sure they’ll be a problem again with music. They’ll probably be out and about yelling and partying, too, since they love it when it’s hot. They may get a dog too, around the month of June. I still have a “change” feeling for September, but we’ll have to get closer and closer to September to see if the vibe sticks or fades. If we’ve only got a year left here, then I hope they do just stay there as much as I hate their fucking guts, cuz then retaliation will be so much easier. If they went first, though, they could come back, do something to the house, then split. But if we go first, then I’ve got the advantage.

SUNDAY, MARCH 29, 1998
Yup, something doesn’t want us screwing around, that’s for sure. I didn’t realize I was gonna sleep in so late today, but I did. So, instead of playing around, Tom’s now napping till he has to go to work.

He said we’ll get together tomorrow and there should be no excuse. Meaning, according to him, he sees a pattern. He says that every time we make a date, I sleep in and he ends up being too tired. Well, if there is a pattern, I’m not doing this intentionally. Tomorrow will be no problem, though.

I also told him that since we agree I should do something about getting what I want, rather than just bitching about it, we should make a date to get together from the 5th - 11th. The only thing is that there’s no way in hell we can screw every day or that he’ll cum more than one day in a row. If we could get together every day during those days and if he could squirt, I should be pregnant and I shouldn’t get a period, but since I know I will (at some point) then I’ll just mention this and how we’ve been trying for years to the doctor to no avail.

Evie has become such a pest. I got 4 messages from her yesterday. She’s really starting to smother me. She goes on and on about shit that either bores the hell out of me or that I can’t relate to. Again, forgive me for sounding like Dureen.

Andy got fired yet again. Jesus! He said 3 gay guys got him fired and that he swears he was just being friendly but they took it the wrong way and got him canned. He said if he sees them in the bar, he’ll tell them they got him fired and ask them, “Does it make you feel better? Do you sleep well at night?”

Yes, there are a lot of stupid people in this world and most people do take things all wrong, but isn’t it about time Andy looked in the mirror? Maybe, just maybe, it’s something about the way he presents himself.

Later…

No outside activities my ass! Just when I thought this cold, rainy, dreary day would keep things quiet around here, out comes trouble. Not with the freeloader, but with some white boys playing ball. They played for an hour but may be back to play more till sundown. Adults may not do stuff outside in yucky weather, but kids do. It’s better than music, though, and it can be drowned out.

These kids woke poor Tom up who’s usually able to sleep through anything. From now on, though, when he sleeps in the bedroom, he should use the fan, rather than the sound machine (I use both) cuz the fan will drown it out. People with houses this close, shouldn’t have basketball hoops!

As expected, I got a full flow today. Did one of his fishies get up there and start a baby, and was that a miscarriage? Or was there some other reason why my period was so screwy? And it’s weird too, cuz when I had that other weird experience in 1996, I felt I’d have another strange period in 1998. I wouldn’t be surprised if I did every couple of years. Guess the year 2000 will be the next wacky period.

Later…

My favorite time - sundown on Sunday. Meanwhile, God continued to see me harassed by other people’s kids. It’s like he’s said, “First I’ll tease you with thinking that maybe, just maybe, I’m finally gonna let you have your own, but nope, it’s other people’s kids I want you dealing with.” They played from around 4:00-5:00, then again at 6:30 for about 20 minutes. Tom thinks that these kids are associated with next door and not neighborhood kids wandering by to use the hoop. Yeah, that’s something she would do, too, is bring other people’s kids over to badger me. And I’m sure this will become an every weekend event. Before I know it, kids will be popping over every day after school, too, to play ball.

Is God trying to tell me he wants me to work with kids, as well as care for animals? Kids have been shoved in my face over the last several years so much, that there’s got to be a reason for it. Could he possibly be telling me to fight for and to pay for a child of my own? No. He knows I could never handle a child and he’ll block me from ever having a child under any circumstances, no matter what it takes.

Him and his fucking control, though, and making me pay for this and pay for that. Hell, I’ve got to pay for breathing! Now his latest kick is to make me sick when I try to diet by way of having shakes. First they bothered my lower stomach by making me gassy. Then I got those Lactaid things and just when I thought I’d be OK (he loves to tease me and make me at least think things will be OK and that I’ve found a way around an obstacle) now I can’t even have shakes with the Lactaid cuz I feel so nauseous if I do. The last time I came within inches of puking. So, he doesn’t want me losing weight, I can’t lose weight, I’m not going to lose weight, and that’s that. I have to be fat as long as I’m given the right to breathe.

Later…

Now it fucking rains. About two hours after the ballplayers split, it comes down. Why couldn’t it have rained earlier? It did rain earlier, but then it stopped. It feels like this is the coldest winter since I’ve been here and like it’s never gonna end.

Another weekend message from Andy. I tell him I’ll call him tomorrow and what’s he do? This guy is so damn lonely. He just has nothing but his phone. He tells me he talked to his folks who said they’d let him live with them for a while if he wanted, and that he wants to get together with Steve in Enfield Connecticut cuz he’s so lonely and needs love in his life. I know he won’t move. I sort of wish he would so he wouldn’t pester me as much, but he won’t. No way in hell will he give up this warmer climate and go back and deal with all the cold, snow, ice, rain and humidity over some dick. It’s really sad, though, to see him this desperate. And he’s even naïve and immature, too, about this Steve character. This is someone he once met in a bar and who he hasn’t seen in years. So what makes him think he’s gonna be there for him and that he’s gonna love him and be faithful and all that? And why won’t our merciless God give him a break? Can’t he just send him a good guy and get him off my case and make him happy? Although, he’d still live on the phone if he had a guy. He’d have to call to tell me every single detail of their sex together, and he’d probably get a guy who also loved to live on phones. Like I said, though, he won’t leave Phoenix.

SATURDAY, MARCH 28, 1998
The freeloader did stay the night last night as I figured he would, cuz he slammed his way out at 10 AM for the first of his many weekend trips.

So far the cloudy and cool weather is in my favor and hopefully, there’ll be no outside activities.

Later…

Today was a shitty day, but it’s getting better. It has nothing to do with the freeloader, though. This weather will keep them indoors and quiet.

Tom still doesn’t feel well. He’s very congested. I just wish I knew why he gets so many colds. Is it just God adding another thing to keep us from spending much time together? Tom says he works in an enclosed environment so colds do circulate.

I’ve now stepped up to being in between spots and a very light flow. Tomorrow I’ll have a full flow for sure. Tom says it’s normal for a woman to have erratic periods. Well, this sure is bizarre for me. I’ve never been a week late.

Also, I have so many mixed emotions about this baby/sterility thing. With the infrequent sex and the DES, and a God who doesn’t give a shit, I’ll never have a kid. I have mixed emotions about everything revolving around it. I don’t feel the need or the want for sex more often than once a week, but it’d help if you were trying to get pregnant. Also, it’d help if he’d get off more, but he just won’t do that. So there’s the fact that we can’t have sex too often cuz of our schedules and busy lives, then there’s the fact that he rarely cums, then there’s the DES, God’s unwillingness to help. There’s no way I could ever have a child. A part of me still feels I shouldn’t have a child after seeing what Larry, Tammy, and others go through what they go through, and knowing how hectic and tiring it is. And how would I ever be able to handle it in the first place? And I feel like - if something up there’s so bent on punishing me and controlling my body, I ought to go right along with it and not do anything about my problem by seeing a doctor, and I ought to control my body, too, by not eating or something like that. I’m sick of having my life decided for me. I’m sick of having no say in personal matters. Or with most matters that concern me, actually. And people say life is what you make it? Well, I wanted to make my life as a mother, as well as a wife, and I can’t do that.

I try to tell myself to make myself feel better, and so as to feel less afraid of this controlling outer source that could do this to a woman, that it’s all for the better. That whatever’s up there is just looking out for me and not giving me something I couldn’t handle. I’m probably right when I say that God’s denied me a child due to his belief that I could never handle it, etc., but what about my right to choose? It should still be up to me. And what if I’m wrong? What if I wouldn’t be swapping one misery for another by having a child? What if I could handle it? What if I’m really missing out here by not seeking help?

Tom was encouraging me earlier, saying that instead of complaining about it, I should do something about it. Well, I am. I’m finally gonna put my foot down and risk God retaliating for my going against his plans for me. I know a child isn’t at the end here, and that a doctor can’t help me, but no more putting off going to a doctor and having that doctor tell me it’s hopeless. I’ll go through the hassle, I’ll take the time, the testing, etc. Instead of sitting on my ass and telling myself why I shouldn’t want/have a kid, and telling myself I can’t fight God and win, I’ll just go let a doctor tell me that. Let a doctor tell me there’s nothing they can do. That’s the only way I’m gonna know for sure if I really truly am right about my theories about God and the condition of my female parts.

God, or this evil, controlling, non-empathetic thing may not let me win in the end when it comes to my biggest dreams, whether they were past dreams, present ones, or future ones, but I’m not gonna let it win either. I will fight for a child until I either get that child or am told by an expert that I can’t have one.

Yesterday there was a letter that came from Colorado. It was from a girl to a guy, and naturally, this girl’s gonna get some pretty strange mail from this guy. A whole 6 pages of wacky stuff. I grabbed and copied a few pages from the Oswego St. file and mixed it up a bit.

Anyway, it’s off to listen to music, read some of my library book, and do some proofreading.

FRIDAY, MARCH 27, 1998
Still no period. What is wrong? Well, Tom still insists nothing’s wrong. I hope he’s right!

Yesterday and today my stomach was a little off. I was slightly nauseous yesterday and today it’s like old times with the hunger. I woke up really hungry and had to eat right away. After having a big serving of tuna noodle casserole, I’m still hungry. I was right about my weight going back up, too. Instead of waking up at 123-124, I woke up at 125.

Tammy’s doing awful, as usual. Just when it looked like things would shape up for her so she could finally have some happiness. At first she said she wasn’t gonna say anything, to protect herself, and that she didn’t know who she could trust.

Again she asked me if I mentioned Mark to Mom and Dad. She said Larry mentioned to them that I mentioned Mark. Well, I did say that I was glad she got the negative influence out of her life and that I was happy for her due to her new “friend.” I didn’t mention Mark in detail, cuz I figured she already had. I knew she was so happy about him that I figured she’d be jumping to tell anyone she could about him. And also, it wasn’t my place to. If Larry interpreted in my letter to him that I was implying she was having a full-blown relationship and if I am indirectly to blame for some of the mess she’s in, I’m very sorry.

Meanwhile, if she’s got so many problems with the things Larry and our parents are saying, she shouldn’t be associating with them. It’s her life and body to do as she pleases and she shouldn’t have to answer to or defend herself to anyone. She should also stop worrying about what others think of her, her life, her body, etc. And I’m also pissed off that cuz of Larry and mom and dad, she doesn’t even know if she can trust me. I thought both Tammy and I learned years ago that we could confide in each other and trust each other, but now, I know she can trust me, but she doesn’t, thanks to people’s big mouths.

I don’t blame Larry for casually mentioning Mark to Mom and Dad, but I think what he told Lisa was just awful. And I believe Tammy, too, when she says what he said. Larry told Lisa that Tammy made a call to Sandy, saying she was a detective, who saw Larry with some woman at a hotel. Tammy denies doing this, and I certainly didn’t, so perhaps it was Michelle. After I kicked Michelle out, she went to Larry and Sandy’s till Sandy kicked her out, so maybe she did it out of spite. If Larry didn’t make this up to Lisa, and I would say he didn’t, then Michelle would be the most likely one to have done this.

Larry also told Lisa things about Texas that Tammy didn’t want her to know until she was completely an adult. Then she said Lisa was responsible too, for asking Larry questions.

Tammy’s pissed that Larry has the nerve to say that she goes from man to man when he’s been notorious for being a slut. And he’s admitted it, too.

Tammy also said that if this is what family’s all about, she doesn’t want any part in it. I don’t blame her for how she feels. It’s her life and she should be able to live it how she wants and people shouldn’t be judging others. Especially when it’s people that are guilty of enough shit themselves. And that’s really, really low of Larry to have told Lisa stuff that she shouldn’t be involved in or is too young to know and understand.

I’m not gonna get involved and let them know Tammy and I spoke, cuz that’d just cause more trouble, but from now on, I’ll really watch what I tell Larry or anyone.

Later…

Awesome! I’m not gonna get my hopes up here, but no wonder I haven’t heard door-slamming lately. Tom says that for just about all week, there hasn’t been a car next door. Maybe, just maybe, it’s cuz of the letter, and maybe that’s why that white car came in quietly. Something it doesn’t usually do.

On the other hand, he may very well spend weekends here in regard to me and cuz they’re not gonna check to see if he’s there on a weekend.

Later…

So much for telling myself that this could be a peaceful weekend and one with the least stress I’ve had in a long time. The freeloader just came in for lunch. The music was fairly soft, but once again, I shouldn’t have to know when he’s coming and going and I told them that, too. I don’t want to know that they exist. So, he’ll be around for the weekend for sure. I’m sure that his not being here over the last few days wasn’t related to the letter after all and that he’s back to stay.

Well, maybe the freeloaders won’t act up or party this weekend since they say another Pacific storm’s gonna sweep through. It’ll be damp, rainy, cloudy, and cool.

Later…

Thank you, thank you, God! That isn’t the freeloader’s car that’s parked out front there. At least I don’t think it is. It’s that big white caddy that usually comes banging in. I think it is, anyway. At least it didn’t come in so incredibly loud. I didn’t hear her get picked up this morning, so maybe she’s there today and whoever owns this car is visiting her.

Please, God, keep him away and keep them as quiet as they have been lately! Especially if there was a remote, miraculous chance I was pregnant. It’s one thing to be stressed out and anxious as you await your first kid, while you feel overwhelmed and have a million questions, but to have the added stress of a pack of rude, selfish freeloaders, is another thing.

I told Tom it was too bad this having no period couldn’t be due to a kid and he said he was sorry I felt that way. I don’t know if he meant he was sorry I wished it could be due to a kid, or if he meant he was sorry I felt it couldn’t be due to a kid, but he did say he wants a family whenever and wherever we are. That’s sweet of him, but I still think something else is going on here, and still believe I’ll get a period. Meanwhile, instead of dwelling on it, I’ll just wait and see what happens next.

Later…

Whoever this freeloader is, hasn’t left yet, but it came out to slam doors a few times. It’s soooo obvious that it’s in regard to me, too. And it’s still slamming away.

Later…

Good riddance! It left without music, and yes, the bitch was there. I could’ve sworn I heard her say, after a slam, “Ain’t that a (inaudible) Jodi?”

I couldn’t make out that fourth word. But I could be totally wrong, too. Anyway, I know the slamming was for me whether or not I was mentioned, and I know they weren’t packing something into the car. Cuz why would they put something in it, then shut the door, go get something else, reopen the door, then close it again. Usually, if you’re loading or unloading a car, you keep the doors/trunk open.

Tom’s head cold isn’t too bad, but he’s stopped up and is coughing a lot. He’s managing to get to work and fill in the little dents that got chipped into the plaster of the pool.

Later…

Well, I’m definitely gonna get my period tomorrow. Yeah, I knew God didn’t suddenly change his mind about my having a child and think I could handle it. I had light cramps and a spot earlier.

To update the freeloader scene - at 4 PM a car came in that I couldn’t see cuz it was parked up further and our hedges were in the way. Then I heard some older kids scream and run through the carport for a few minutes. At first I thought, oh God, that car’s gonna get moved, and on goes the 3-hour ball game. But the car came and went quietly. Then at 6:00 PM, Mr. Fuck himself came in. Again, there was no music. Then I heard those “packing” sounds, then at 7:00, he left.

THURSDAY, MARCH 26, 1998
Still no period. Well, like I said, God will send one my way eventually. At this point, I kind of give up for now. It feels like I’ll never get one, but I still have PMS symptoms and I know I’ll get it sooner or later. Within the next few days, like Tom said. My face is full of zits, I have faint pre-cramps, and my tits are sore. That’s my fault, though. I expected to be on time as I almost always am, so towards the end there, I began drinking coffee with caffeine, figuring my period would flush out those sore tits in just a matter of days. My period should be over by now. Maybe I’m just gonna skip a period. Some women do that.

I woke up the lightest I’ve been since peaking at 128 pounds. I was 120½, but I know this is to be very short-lived. I’m sure that as soon as I took my vitamin, I went up to 123-124.

It’s raining like hell out there, so now we’ve got to pump the fucking pool again before we can put on the second coat of paint. And as usual, Tom’s cold will stall things from getting done, I’m sure.

He said he was wondering when a good time would be to go and mow his mom’s yard. Well, that’s great, but what about our yard? Ours is shitty looking with weeds galore. He said keeping up with the mowing of the two houses would be no problem since he’s gonna use their electric mower. We just have a manual mower.

Evie said that after she went over to Ma’s house and sat down and cried, she hopes the house won’t sell too fast.

Oh, Evie, you’ll get your wish. Don’t you worry.

Evie also said her brother and his girlfriend were coming for a visit and she asked me if I had any good recipes to recommend. I told her I could really only recommend Jewish dishes and she OK’d that, so I sent her the recipe for Kugel.

Well, our trailer folks are on the street tonight. Guess they sleep heavier than I thought, but I went and rapped on the gate a bit with a stick. They’ll be my test to see just how well I really am being heard late at night after all.

I’m gonna have to deal with Blackie’s kittens too, cuz she’s in heat. So that’s about 30-40 kittens I’ll have to get rid of by the time we move. Mama Cat hasn’t been around much lately, fortunately, but she is alive and well.

Later…

There’s this white caddy that’s been blasting by around lunchtime. There’s still that blue or silver car, too. There have been so many car stereos blasting by, it’s pitiful. They get worse and worse and more frequent by the day. You can’t go one solid day now without hearing one. It may very well get to the point where I can’t sleep and will have to move my stereo into the bedroom and add that to the fan and sound machine to match their bass beats going by.

I used the electric grill my parents sent and loved it. I cooked a T-bone steak on it.

Tom and I agreed that I’d go to a doctor if I didn’t get the next period that’d be due April 18th. I would still bet these journals that I’ll have a period by then. I still can’t see God adding a child to my fate, but I wish that the reason I haven’t had a period could be due to that. I’m not gonna lie to myself or go to Fantasy Land, either. If it were possible for me to be pregnant, although it’s not, then I could be almost guaranteed to lose it within 2-3 months. So, maybe it’s best that what’s going on here isn’t due to a child, although it’d still be nice. But it’d only be nice if it could stay there for 9 months. Not be put there by God just so he could take it away. I don’t think that’d play very well on my emotions at all. Nonetheless, I tell myself, you will get a period. Cuz this is the truth and I must remember that. I can’t let old feelings/desires be stirred up.

Today’s weather suits Tom’s cold. It went from hot and dry to cool and damp practically overnight. I saw some really dark rain clouds out there. The darkest clouds I’d ever seen. And it was weird too, cuz if I looked one way it was dark and cloudy. If I turned to look the other way, it was still cloudy, but the sun was trying to poke through.

I called mom today and we chatted for a few. She says she really feels like she’s crowding Mary and Dave. She sounded awful. I feel really bad for her. She can’t talk well and her voice is still all raspy. She’s having trouble hearing, too, and is going for a test to see if it’s just old age, or what. Anyway, it was hard to hear her at one point, cuz the damn dog went off. Guess it saw something out the front window that got it stirred up.

Later…

Now here’s something promising. That big white car that’s come to visit next door with its music very loud just came and went quietly. This suggests maybe the second letter has helped ensure my peace from their shit, but who knows for sure? I just know that if he’s quiet, I’ll have to listen to a lot of stereos blast by. OK, though. If God insists I hear them either next door or on the street, then I’ll take the street since that’s not quite 3’ from the bedroom window.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 25, 1998
White Paws is sitting in here with me as I write. Jesus fucking goddamn Christ! He has another cold! Is there something wrong with this guy’s immune system or what? And how damn naïve of me to believe him when he said he’d get fewer colds if I quit smoking, on top of it improving our sex lives, on top of God maybe having a reason for me to have finally been able to quit smoking. And now this means I have to get sick, too. Yes, he’s had a lot of colds that I didn’t catch, but I caught the last one, so what’s to say I won’t catch this one? Well, I probably won’t, but the threat’s still there hanging over my head.

Tom believes I’ll have my period within the next few days. Oh, I know I will. I know there’s a period somewhere at the end of this late shit. I don’t know if God’s trying to tease me, to worry me, or what, but we both know I couldn’t handle a child and that having that period would be what’s best for me and what’d be right.

So I guess it’ll end up to be a total of 3 weeks before we finally screw again. Thank fucking God I have a low appetite and would rather just quickly take care of myself, otherwise I’d be itching for the Melanies of this world. The ones that were bi or gay, that is, that were willing to go down on another fem here and there. I’d have an easier time getting a girl, too, cuz of being married. That way they wouldn’t feel so threatened if they knew I was already tied down with someone. And also, I think that they’d like the 125 pounds better than the 100 pounds. I’d just have that young, innocent face, and the long hair against me.

Right now I’m just so frustrated. I just wish God would either give me my goddamn periods on time and have them be normal, or just have something go wrong like yesterday, and have me have a hysterectomy. I’m tired of playing these games. I get so much sicker of the thought of sex and a child, the more I’m jerked around with it.

I finished proofreading the 70s file.

TUESDAY, MARCH 24, 1998
Still no period, but still sure I’ll get one and that if I don’t, it’s not cuz of a child holding it up. It’d mean something was wrong, but maybe it’s tied into why I’m so fat. We did get together during mid-cycle, but if I remember right and if I’ve got my facts straight, he didn’t cum.

There’s only one thing I can think of that may be the cause, but it’s unlikely. As I may have mentioned, there was a time I got mad and hit myself really hard in the area of the ovaries and uterus. I was just really frustrated. But I think this was a few months ago, too. Tom doesn’t think it’d do anything, but if I did beat my plumbing and knock it out of service - great. As long as it doesn’t make me fatter than I already am (can’t seem to budge from bouncing between 123-125 pounds).

I changed the bird and later on, it’s the critters’ turn. Wish they were as quick and easy, but they take about an hour. Sometimes more.

Tom took down the old, ugly, bent rods that were in the bedroom to hold the tie-dye curtains I did, and he put up shades. They work so well at darkening any gaps that let in light within the blockers.

Today we’ll be putting up the living room window shade. We began to yesterday, but it wouldn’t quite reach. Tom’s gonna put a block of wood in to extend it.

While he was at the front window, he saw an APS truck working next door. He wasn’t there for long, though, but Tom said that maybe that was why he wasn’t there last night when he left for work. However, I could’ve sworn I saw him leave at 10:30 yesterday morning with the music at a somewhat obnoxious level. Maybe it wasn’t him, but Tom has a point that I agree with. He’s not allowed to be there, as we originally felt, and if our letters were brought to her attention, she just said he just visits. But they’re not gonna go inside the house to check for his belongings and evidence of his existence. They should, though. These stupid city people should realize by now just how much fraud goes on in these welfare programs and with the people on SS and SSI. Hey, do you think I’d have let them know I’d occasionally get $200 from my folks and shit like that? He’s not like I was, though. He’s not a good person who wants to do better. He’s a rude selfish fuck and I begged God to do justice and to see that he’s out of here, if he truly doesn’t belong.

Of all the houses in Phoenix, leave it to me to be the one next to a subsidized house. As if something wants something from my past to remain close by. Or to remind me of where I came from. Well, I certainly will never forget the projects I was in or any other place.

We went to the library and to Wal-Mart yesterday where I got a cute magnet with a cactus, some hangers, a few puzzles, a bathing suit, and two pairs of shorts. The suit’s hot pink. One pair of shorts is bright green, the other’s deep purple.

At the library, I got 3 more true crime books.

On our way home, he stopped at Arby’s and I stopped at KFC.

Later…

The freeloader was there last night. He slammed the hell out of his car door to let me know it too, as he left for work this morning. He hasn’t come in for lunch, so he’ll come in around 4:00, leave again at 6:00, and return an hour later.

It hit 90º today and we have the cooler going now.

Still no period. Something’s really wrong here and I’ve got to find out what it is if I don’t get the next period which would be due April 18th. Did my hormones suddenly go out of whack? Is it a cyst or some other kind of bad growth? Well, time will tell, but I still think that eventually, I’ll get a period. If God wanted to me have a hysterectomy, why now and not earlier in life? In other words, I don’t think something can be that wrong, and I don’t have bad vibes, either. I sometimes get what I guess you could call phantom cramps. I get really faint little cramps for a second here and there, making me think that maybe it’s kicked in, but then I wipe off no blood.

Yesterday was hot and we had the cooler on. And yes, the heat brought the freeloaders out. There was no music that I know of, but I could hear him talking to someone. I also heard some kid too, that sounded too old to be the little freeloader, so who knows? Maybe it was the house next to them with all those daycare kids and the guard dogs.

This heat worries me. I mean, it really puts a lot of stress on me and makes it hard for me to enjoy the upcoming summer and all that, cuz I know they’ll be out and about to spoil it. The good of the heat, though, is that it’ll be less likely that kids will use the basketball hoop.

MONDAY, MARCH 23, 1998
I’m actually gonna watch another movie I found that looks good, that I haven’t seen before. I basically only watch the commercial-free stuff, but I’ll still seldom watch anything.

Still no period. Really weird! Well, since I know I’m as sterile as a doorknob, something would be wrong if I don’t get my period. Something that may be tied into why I’m so fat besides quitting smoking. It’d be nice if it were a matter of just a few pills I’d need to fix my weird periods and my weight, but that’s too easy. So I hope to get my period cuz I don’t need any problems. If you ask me, though, I’d say I’ll definitely get it without a doubt. This is just one of those unusual times where it’s gonna be late.

Made major, major progress on the pool yesterday, which just might be done in time after all. We painted the pool and Tom later painted half the spa. We painted it a color called blue mist and it’s really pretty. Nice and bright. It’ll be nice to have a pool with a nice, clean, even, one-colored surface. Anyway, we still have to finish the spa and put on the second coat. It’ll be a few days, though, before we fill it up. That’ll take about a day and a half.

SUNDAY, MARCH 22, 1998
Well, this weekend’s going fast due to my schedule. I was fortunate enough to sleep just fine till 9 PM. At just before 10 PM, I heard the freeloader slam doors, but if there was any serious trouble, I supposed Tom would’ve told me about it.

Like I’ve said a million times (thank God I’m like he is now with a low drive) something doesn’t want us to have that much sex. We couldn’t yesterday cuz I had an upset stomach and I don’t think we can today, either, cuz he’s bruised up. He fell while working on the pool. I feel bad cuz I wasn’t there to help him. What if he fell and did break something all the while I slept away and he couldn’t call me for help? Thank you, God, for sparing us from such a situation.

Speaking of bad feelings, he said he feels guilty cuz while his ma could keep things going and keep dad at home, he can’t keep things going for mom to be at home. But that’s not his fault, and I told him that. She’s just too old and ill. And she’s very lucky to have such a wonderful son.

Got a Bob letter with an article enclosed titled: Ear Seems Linked to Sexual Orientation.

I still can tell you personally that I’ve never been able to help it as far as anyone I’ve ever been attracted to goes, and I agree with the studies that indicate that it’s got to do with predisposing genes/hormones prior to birth. I don’t think anyone can help it if they’re gay, straight or bi. Anyway, this study’s saying that the measurements within the inner ear and cochlea may be linked, but what cracked me up was, what about those of us born with an inner ear fused shut?

Later…

Here we go again with the big production and build-up to a period. Why are my periods so wacky lately? I had a small, barely visible spot the day before I was due for it, but now, nothing. I know I’ll get it, though, but it’s like God’s teasing me. God, if you’re not gonna have things foul up so I need a hysterectomy, then just let me get normal periods!

Oh, when I said I was shocked to have found a movie I’d never seen before - I meant shocked to find one I hadn’t seen out of the ones I like. TV’s just too damn repetitious, though. They run the same movies year after year.

Is Alex mad at me? Did he read something in those journal excerpts I sent him that he didn’t like? For a while now, when I go to send him an email, I get a message saying that the user isn’t accepting emails from my account. But why? What could he have read that upset him so much? Nothing that I can think of. Well, if he wants to contact me, he will. Meanwhile, I don’t have a clue as to what’s up with him.

Tom got alfalfa for Bunny since he’s wild and he thought he’d like wild things, but Bunny wasn’t too thrilled with it. I’m not surprised. I knew the pig, but especially the mice, would like it more.

Andy was over earlier and he brought me some gorgeous clothes. They’re from Michelle’s friend Patty, who’s also a dancer. Amazingly, the bulk of the stuff fit, too.

He says I look like such a teenager with these braces, but thought the colors were pretty.

We got quite a kick out of what’s going on all over New England, and called the weather line to listen to it over the speakerphone so we could laugh together. They’ve got a winter storm advisory in effect and according to his brother, they had a high of 33º and it was in the teens at night. They started off with sleet and freezing rain, then it turned to snow.

Later…

Tom got up with an upset stomach. He’s also quite sore. I did say he’s always got a problem, huh? And why is it that something not only comes up to keep us from getting together, but it also comes up when I have company? Is there a connection here? It seems that when I have company, he can’t sleep or has a stomach problem.

SATURDAY, MARCH 21, 1998
That beautiful smell of the orange blossoms is just beginning to be noticeable now.

No trailer folks. Guess they either couldn’t sleep well here or aren’t here for some other reason.

Tom said that I slept through a silver Nissan blaring by really loud while he was out working on the pool. I said I wondered why it didn’t wake me up and he said maybe cuz it turned down the other way and not by the bedroom window.

I’m pretty much holding off doing any more exercising till and if I lose some serious weight here. It’s just useless right now cuz I’m too fat. Weight loss and toning up go hand and hand and the toning up will come naturally if God will just let me lose this weight. At 25 pounds overweight, though, exercising’s just not effective. Again though, I’ll probably stay at 125 for a long time.

Tom got the list of doctors in the mail today. I can supposedly see a GYN directly and not have to go through the BS of a physician’s assistant and have to have repeat PAPs. Again though, I’m very reluctant to go for a pap for two reasons. One, I just don’t think I need it. Two, it’ll lead to trouble. That is unless I tell them we’re using rubbers when they ask if I’m on birth control. But if I say no to that question, then they’re gonna want to know how I’m dodging pregnancy and all that, although my being DES-exposed ought to tell them how (but they wouldn’t know that also, Tom doesn’t like to cum much).

Tom asked me if I wanted a young or old doctor. I said it didn’t matter. The sex doesn’t even matter, either, as long as they do their job right. I asked Tom if he wanted young, old, male, female and he said, “In between.” In between young and old and in between male and female?

Well, the number one reason I’m not gonna pursue a fertility doctor is cuz a child just isn’t meant to be. There’s no getting around that. Also, I don’t really want one all that much these days. And lastly, my husband does not want to have to face and deal with fertility doctors and has told me he felt it’d ruin the marriage. Therefore, I’m not gonna do anything to risk us or to make him uncomfortable. I also know a child is of no importance to him, either, no matter what he says.

Later…

Why the fuck is the old man’s dog going off now? It’s 3:00 in the fucking morning!

The freeloaders have been quiet so far, like I said. 80% of the prison population is black, and more than half of the black population ends up doing time at some point, so it’s just my luck that this one isn’t in with his “brothers.” They refer to each other as brothers and sisters. Guess they had really busy parents!

Just made some more coffee, which has a flavor adjustment. I don’t know how it works, but you can have your coffee hearty and robust, or smooth and mild.

Later…

The pig’s really growing and chunking out. He has quite a pug nose. I’ve never seen such a pug-nosed GP.

I haven’t seen mama bitch for a while. Please, God, send her into a speeding car!

FRIDAY, MARCH 20, 1998
Haven’t written due to being pretty busy.

The mice are pretty active as I write, chewing on their nibble sticks that they love so much.

Got an email from Evie and from my dad. Dad says Ma’s now a notary public and a justice of the peace, so she performed a wedding ceremony for the son of their friends. Yeah, and I’m sure she told them she hoped they’d have kids.

You know, it still really hurts to know that if I were still back east, and if I had been the one to have a child die, married or not, stable or not, none of these people would’ve been there for me. Maybe Tammy would’ve been a support, but Ronnie, Lori, and Lisa certainly wouldn’t have been there. And neither would Larry have been there if this had happened during the 8 years we didn’t speak.

Anyway, this new coffee plan has really made all the difference. Here I am just two days away, now one day away from my period, and I have close to zero PMS.

As for the freeloader, Tom said he saw his car there for lunch. So that’s why I haven’t seen his car up front in the early evenings. He’s now coming in for lunch again. He said he’s been quiet, though.

The fucking trailer people are a whole different ballgame. I mean, I haven’t heard that dog whose bark sounded more like a scream (I can’t believe it! Someone in Arizona actually cared about disturbing a neighbor with noise)!!! For a good 20 minutes or so, they just wouldn’t shut the fuck up with their fucking trailer doors. They were in and out and in out. What’s the matter with their fucking driveway? They shouldn’t be camping out on the street like they do, anyway. I think tonight I should slam them back and give them a wake-up call.

I’m still just under 125 pounds, but it’s hard. Not all the time, but sometimes I’m always so hungry.

Tom picked up 30 blank CD cases for me today. So I took all of Gloria’s CDs and most of Linda’s and redid the cases with the covers I made.

I also did some experimenting last night with both plastic and wire binding. I typed up old journals to be proofread and used those to bind up. It sure beats 3-ring binders

Now I’m gonna go read some of my library book, as well as do some proofreading and singing.

Later…

Did some reading and now I’m making popcorn.

I guess I ought to be hearing any time now from Bob. I asked him to tell me if he could receive manila envelopes. I think he can. Anyway, it’ll be a while, but he’ll have plenty to read when I put all this stuff together for him. Watch - with my luck he’ll die the day I send this shit. Hell, if I’ll put a return address on. I’m not stupid. I know that just cuz one guard may say it’s OK to receive such stuff, another may say it’s not OK. When I mail out this stuff, I don’t ever want it back again, so there’ll be no return address.

I sang for a short while and finished my last library book. Guess now’s as good a time as any to get going with that proofreading again.

Later…

About half an hour ago, I went out and clanked two pot covers together for a few minutes. Maybe the trailer people will feel that they just can’t get a good night’s sleep here anymore. Also, I’m out to fuck any neighbor I can till I’m out of here, whether they did shit to me or not, cuz if there’s anything I learned out here, it’s to disrespect and be rude and let your neighbors hear you. Well, they’ll be hearing me alright.

I also checked the TV guide for the first time in ages and was shocked to find a new movie I’d never seen before. It was good, too. Nothing with pregnancy, childbirth, and related stuff, although it wouldn’t bother me at this point. It just bores me. It’s too much and it’s not something I can relate to. Forgive me for sounding like my self-absorbed mother, but when Evie goes on and on about the kids, it gets old.

Later…

Been up for 3 hours and here goes stereo #4 to drive by. No freeloader shit, though, fortunately. But it’s the weekend, so that’s always subject to change.

No trailer people out there. Perhaps they’re having trouble sleeping here? Well, it’s still just after 9:00, so they could pull in at 10ish. We’ll see.

Tom got me a really nice coffeemaker today. It’s got a timer and everything. It’s pretty nice looking and pretty high tech, compared to the one I had on Oswego St. It’s got a flavor adjustment, too, for making the coffee mild or strong.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 18, 1998
According to the 5-cast, things are gonna go as they usually do. It’ll be somewhat cool, but it’ll warm up into the weekend, raising the chances of freeloader trouble. Yup, it’ll be warm and dry.

Speaking of el freeloader, Tom says that last night his car was parked deep in the carport, as far as it could go, which is unusual, suggesting that maybe he went out of town for a while. At first I thought that that was a sign of a dog and that they had a dog again rigged up to it, but there wasn’t. We’d both have heard it a long time ago if there were one over there. Someone’s there, though, cuz the living room lights were on. Maybe he did go somewhere, and if he did, I hope it’s for more than a week.

I’m waking up at 123 and going to bed at 125 lately. I don’t know if this is a good sign or not.

I still think of and lust for Melanie, but not as intensely as I did yesterday. Maybe that’s just cuz I saw her yesterday.

Now for the shocking news - Tom actually did call for a doctor’s appointment!! I really thought he’d just blow it off. He said he was confused, though, by how they operate and although he explained it all to me, I’m confused, too. They’re sending us some stuff we need to have in order to make the appointment that he says he didn’t know about. I’m very pleased that he kept his word, but there’s just one problem. I don’t want a child anymore. If I don’t bring it up, though, I doubt he will. I think it’ll just “go away” in the end. I won’t worry about it now.

Later…

The weather’s been a lot better lately. I haven’t had to run the heat much. About a week ago, the freeloader’s trees began sprouting their leaves. They have one tall tree in back and two up front.

Fortunately, I can also chew gum again, too. I guess my jaw was just too sore at first. It has to be Freedent gum so it won’t stick, but that’s fine.

Later…

So much for enjoying a pleasant late afternoon out in my own backyard. Got fucking dogs on my left and right going off.

Anyway, Tom said the car was gone when he came in today, but couldn’t tell if it was deep in the carport last night, cuz of the darkness. You can’t really see all the way in at night and the fuck has a dark gray car.

At 8:40 this morning, someone based by really, really loud, but I couldn’t tell who it was.

Maybe the fuck really is away somewhere cuz his car is not parked out front. His usual routine these days is to come in around 4:00 and park it up front. Then take off at 6-something, and return an hour later, and park in the carport for the night.

Tom said he found another all-black kitten in the yard, right where I walk a lot, that he says was more developed and lived a little longer. He also said he was pretty sure White Paws killed it cuz as soon as Tom removed it, he went to see if it was still there.

But how could this kitten have lived longer without me knowing it? And how could it have survived longer without Mama Cat, cuz she was hanging around the patio with the others just as much as she usually does? She’s always in the yard and I would’ve known if she was nursing a kitten. Tom said it was all black. Maybe it was the one I threw over the wall and maybe it didn’t die that night and somehow survived. Meanwhile, White Paws jumped over the wall and found it, killed it, then brought it back into the yard to play with. Who knows for sure?

Bunny sure is weird. I threw some bread out for the birds, yet Bunny ate it. Since when do rabbits eat bread?

He got most of the pool water out, but I still don’t think this pool’s gonna be ready by the time the weather’s good for swimming. It fucking figures, too. Always gotta be tied up taking care of other people’s this, other people’s that. But our stuff has to wait.

Later…

Today was a bad dog day as far as barking goes. The old man’s dog to our right and the two guard dogs just wouldn’t shut the fuck up! Thank God these dogs will be quiet anytime now for a good 12 hours, and I don’t have to listen to a dog next door pick up where these dogs leave off till fucking 1 AM.

There’s no freeloader pulled in next door as far as I know, cuz I didn’t hear anything. If he’s gone, could it have to do with the letter? Well, I’ll enjoy its absence, cuz it’s gonna be back in just a week.

Damn, I feel like God’s teasing me with this wanting to lose weight! Just when I drop a few pounds, I go right back to where I was, and back and forth.

TUESDAY, MARCH 17, 1998
The pressure’s off and I can relax now. See, this is when I’m really glad to be childless. Why did I ever think I wanted to sleep 4 hours a night and deal with all the trouble and hardships that kids bring? Guess I lose my mind at times.

After Tom, who got up 2½ hours left before he had to go to work and who could’ve made time for screwing but didn’t cuz he’s always had the low drive that I’ve now acquired too, I had great sex with Melanie, only she’ll never know it!

I’m glad God’s given me a break from wanting full-time sex and a kid, both of which could never have been anyway, but true to life’s ways, I’m now faced with a new problem. (besides the fact that I gained back the weight I lost. See? I tell God I’ll stick the braces out and stick to my commitments, but does he care? No!) I’d hardly call Melanie a problem, compared to the years I spent all depressed over the damn kid, but she’s driving me crazy in a sense!

I still wonder about something Andy said he’s experienced - thought vibes. He says he’s gotten calls from people when he’s thought about them and came to find out he was being thought of by the same people he was thinking of. Be it people in the city or back east.

Can Melie sense me? Can she sense my feelings for her? Are my thoughts of her rubbing off on her and is she thinking of me, too? I’d just love to chat with her and to know that she was impressed by me, but we can’t chat. And I can never know what she really thinks of me. She certainly doesn’t know me well enough to judge me, but wouldn’t it be cool if she were one of those Ann Marie types? One who looked as straight as an arrow, but liked women? Only difference would be that Melanie’s married and wouldn’t act on her attraction. It’d just be so cool to know she was constantly thinking of me too, and fantasizing about holding me, cuddling, etc.

I tried to look for any “signs” that she too, may like me, but if there was anything significant saying that she does and that she’s got a little crush on me too, I didn’t see it. She was as friendly as any professional should be.

Later…

Boxes #2, #3 & #4 came today. There was a plastic kiddy pool, the hummingbird plate I gave her when she was here, a pink blanket, a Chanukah banner, candles, and other decor, candleholders in the form of a Hebrew symbol of some kind, Christmas paper, a Halloween mat and a witch that sits in a rocker and rocks back and forth, suitcases, a shitty picture of me taken when I was around 14, a radar detector, a cell phone, cords, drop cloths, flags, car window screens, corn decorations, appointment books, an electric grill, sunglasses and eyeglass cases, picture frames, silverware, a cheese coupon that I guess is for the mice, and a couple of stick-it pads that say Dureen’s Nettles Island.

I wonder why she sent back the hummingbird plate I gave her.

It goes to prove just how good my memory is, cuz I remember a lot of the stuff she sent and some of it is stuff I haven’t seen in a good 20 years or so.

That picture of me sure is pitiful! I wasn’t really fat, but my face and teeth were hideous, as usual, minus the eyes. The outfit was sickening, and this is back when my hair was just wavy and not curly. It was also only between my collarbone and my tits (didn’t have any of those back then, though).

Some of the flags she sent I already have, and that and the Halloween stuff will go to Andy. That fall corn and wheat thing you hang is just so ugly and so New England. So Andy will love it and he can have it.

The silverware’s what I like best. In fact, I was gonna go to Wal-Mart to look into an additional set, but now I don’t have to. This set has got 5-8 of each piece and has mauve-colored handles.

Now I’m gonna go get Tom up, then listen to music. When I return to write some more, I’ll have some pretty shocking news.

MONDAY, MARCH 16, 1998
I just talked to Andy who I thought would never let me off that fucking phone. Still, I enjoy our weekly chats.

I forgot to mention earlier that I tried calling Tammy at her house. When there was no answer, I dialed Mark’s work number and got his machine. Yes, he sure does sound Italian. Bill’s sister Etta, who’s as sweet as Bill is a bastard, is supportive of Tammy and agrees that Bill’s a very angry person (cuz of their fucked up mother) and that he should get help.

Later…

To get the little stuff out of the way first - Tom did just what I knew he’d do. He swore 3 weeks ago that he’d pick doctors out for us and make an appointment to be seen. Has he? Of course not! I’m glad he’s not any more serious than I am about having a child, but I don’t like the lying. I’m sick of him telling me he’ll do something he doesn’t do, whether it means a lot to me or not. Now I’m perfectly happy at this point, to just think and wonder about a child. I don’t want to have one cuz it would never be worth the hassle whether I could handle it or not. I know that if I had had a kid once that initial curiosity and excitement wore off, I’d be trapped and miserable and wishing for these days right back. But I still don’t like being lied to.

This neighborhood is getting more and more of those fucking stereos basing by! There are even so many on the weekdays lately, but then I realized why. If God’s gonna spare me from next door’s music (and he is still there and is coming in for lunch again), he’s gonna have more cars drive by with bass. He’s not gonna let me off the hook as far as the bass goes while I’m still here. He’ll let me off the hook as far as doing my womanly duties of procreating, but that’s about it. Well, at least they’re out on the street and not 3 feet away just outside the bedroom window with a block wall to funnel and amplify it.

Later…

Jesus Christ! I cannot believe all these fucking stereos! But then again, I can believe it, as long as the freeloader isn’t joining in. I had to have heard stereos pass by at least 8 times today and this is scary. What if those steal my sleep? I never thought in my wildest dreams that in a house, with a loud fan and other sounds, people’s stereos could wake me up. This is Monday, yet there were more stereos that I heard today than there were throughout the whole damn weekend. They cruise by from morning to night.

I fell asleep at 4:30 last night and Tom got me up at 12:30. He said that the dentist’s office called saying that if I wanted the braces taken off, to come in earlier. But he told them I got used to the things and we’d keep the same time.

It was nice to see the beautiful Melanie again. This time she had her hair piled at the back of her head with a hair clip. The last two times I’d seen her, she had it in a ponytail. She sure is tall, dark, and gorgeous. I don’t think she’s Spanish at all, but she may have some Italian in her.

I was a bit self-conscious around her, as I always am with someone I’m attracted to. I don’t get to see her again for 3 weeks. I was in and out of there in minutes, cuz all she did was look in my mouth. She doesn’t know if she’ll re-anchor the impacted tooth when I see her the next time. I guess it’ll depend on how fast it moves.

I just can’t get “Melie,” as I refer to her in my fantasies, off my mind. Seeing her on an average of once a month just isn’t enough. Although a few days a week would probably drive me crazy. Know what I wish I could do? I wish she could somehow be told by someone right now that she turns me on. I’d love to know what her reaction would be (although I think that’s rather obvious) and if her reaction was a bad one, I could erase the knowledge of my being attracted to her out of her brain. Life is full of fantasies, huh?!

A part of me is tempted to ask her, “Do you have a home PC and an email account of some kind? Cuz I thought it’d be neat to have a pen pal that I didn’t see a lot, but that wasn’t a complete stranger, either, but I don’t know what’s allowed here and I don’t want to get you into trouble.”

Again, I’m sure her answer would be that she didn’t even have a home PC, whether she did or not, and whether she had an email address or not. Most people don’t mix business with pleasure, anyway.

If she did have a PC and email address and did agree to pen pal with me, what would Tom think? I don’t think I could hide that from him and besides, I wouldn’t want to. But would he get the wrong idea? I lust for Melanie. I don’t love her. Nor could I love her or anyone else like I love Tom. I also know how Tom can get paranoid, too.

Not that I even want a real friendship, so to speak, with Melanie, but I bet she’d be a good friend. Then again, maybe not. Most of the people I’ve met with good jobs and all that, kind of look down on people like me. I don’t know if someone like her could deal with someone as different as I am, even though she’s in a “people business” and helps people.

In a way I’m surprised that she’s not the one coming out and telling me she likes me, cuz isn’t it when you’re hitched permanently that some hot-looking thing comes onto you? On the other hand, dentists don’t do things like that. I’m sure she’d be afraid to lose her job.

I wonder if she “senses” my liking her? When I say “liking” her, I mean her looks. I felt self-conscious and like I was rambling too fast and I don’t know if I’m just being hard on myself for no reason, or if how I feel I was is true, but could she have a clue? Could she ever think of me, too, and like what she sees, too?

She said to call if I had any problems. She’s there on Fridays, even though they don’t see patients on Fridays.

Anyway, I’ve lost a few pounds, ironically. And when I say that, it’s due to another prayer I made to God. I promised him I’d stick these braces out if he’d let me lose weight. Coincidence? A tease? Nothing at all? I’m also waking up a few pounds lighter than I am when I go to bed so that’s good. You should wake up a few pounds lighter, but for a while, I wasn’t. Also, I’m back to not eating much and not eating when I first get up. It’s normal for me to not want to eat till after I’ve been up 1-2 hours, not wake up so hungry and eat right away.

Later…

In a half-hour, I’ll get Tom up.

Any time now, the wonderful scent of the orange blossoms will be out. Well, that’s more towards April, actually. Birds will be singing at night, too.

Meanwhile, just to record some more thoughts, I hate it when Tom tickles me after sex. And he only does this when he either doesn’t stay in there due to going soft, doesn’t cum, or stops in the middle of sex. It’s like he’s trying to butter me up. That’s probably what it really is too, but I just don’t care anymore. I don’t care if he cums or not. In fact, I even prefer that he doesn’t. Why make a mess when he’s perfectly happy with not cumming in the first place? Maybe it’d still bother me that he didn’t cum much if I still wanted a kid and thought I was fertile, since a guy’s cum and getting pregnant, do go hand in hand. You can’t have one without the other. Nonetheless, I not only don’t care what he does (except for deciding how I feel, what I want, and when he controls sex). I am sick of sex with him altogether. The love stayed (thank God!), but the sex burned out on me. It just doesn’t excite me anymore. The lust flame began to die a few months ago. No, it’s not cuz I don’t want a child anymore. It’s just old. I’d rather just take care of myself or have Melanie go down on me. But I know Melanie will never be anything more than my orthodontist, and I also know that this is normal. I know most couples lose the desire for as much sex with time. I’m just glad I have someone that I love and that loves me. Things could be worse. We could not love each other and have all kinds of problems together, but this isn’t so. So, it’s just that the sex is old with him and that it’s not easy having sex with him. I’m never fully comfortable with him in bed, cuz I just don’t know if he’s gonna play games or what. I know how he is in bed in general and what he likes for the most part, but I can’t always predict when he’ll play his fucking games. I can just tell you that he’ll cum about every 1-4 weeks, probably won’t cum when I’m mid-cycle, and that we’ll have sex about once a week. I suppose that even though I no longer want a child, I’ll always also have a deep-rooted resentment towards him for lying/playing games when I did want a child and when it did mean so much to me.

SUNDAY, MARCH 15, 1998
It’s midnight and I’m still wide awake. Fuck! How am I gonna see Melanie? I not only want to see her so I can look at the gorgeous face again, but I also want to discuss what’d be best to do about the braces, etc. I am getting more used to them, so that’s good.

I think I’ll go pop a couple of Benadryl and hope to hell it’ll knock me out (but not for 12 hours) before sunup. I’ll pray to God for help falling asleep too, as that’s an area I do have faith in him. He usually comes through on granting the sleep wishes these days.

I’d like to stay and write, but like I said, I better get a move on doing whatever I can to knock myself on my ass.

Later…

Fortunately, I managed to get up at 10 AM, so if I don’t go to bed till 2-4 AM, then get up at 12:30 PM, I’ll still be well-rested for my 2:30 date with Mel.

Just 4-5 more hours and I’ll feel safe from any possible outbursts from next door. Yes, sundown on Sunday is my favorite time of the week. They hate this weather, and as usual, the cooler temperatures and the rain/clouds kept them quiet. In fact, yesterday when it was raining, he may not have gone out anywhere at all. It shocked the hell out of me, but that car didn’t move. He did have to come out, though, just to slam his car door once. He’s so obsessed with me knowing he’s there. He left after noon and before he did, he slammed the doors a good 8-10 times. I can just picture it, too, one or both of them opening and slamming, opening and slamming the doors over and over again for my sake. If it ain’t music, it’s doors, but I’ll take doors over the music.

Later…

If it weren’t for Tom, this fucking bird would be out with the cats right now! Sometimes its chirping and squawking are just fine, but when I’m trying to have a conversation on the phone and when I’m in bed with Tom, I don’t need to hear it.

And here we go with the sexual shit again. I’m sick and tired of him doing what he said he didn’t want me to do to him. This is the third time he stopped in the middle of sex cuz he thought something put me out of the mood. I’m tired of him assuming how I feel and deciding what to do for me when I have a voice of my own. He uses me as an excuse to quit during sex cuz he’s not into it and cuz he just loves to tease and play games. I stopped giving a damn and bitching about if we have part-time sex or not. I stopped giving a damn and bitching about his infrequent cumming. I wanted him to do as he pleases and to be happy and not do anything that’d make him uncomfortable. So I told him he better quit controlling things in bed and making sex a chore for me, or else I won’t want to have sex for a while. At least I’ve got a good week or so of a break from sex anyway, cuz it’s usually just on the weekends that we screw. I’m sure he’s relieving himself right now, too. Just like last time, he went to bed or to take a nap afterward and was in much too good of a mood after he quit the sex on us for someone who was still supposedly in the mood and in need of relief.

Yesterday Ma was moved, but there are still a lot of things in the house. That’s cuz they can only fit so much into Mary and Dave’s jam-packed house. I feel bad for her having to be yanked out of the house she was in for 20 years by her kids cuz she’s too old to live alone.

Evie said in her email to me that she plans on visiting Ma to cheer her up when she’s over there alone. She also offered to come and get me on one of these visits and to do lunch with me. Why didn’t I have people like her in my life before I met Tom?

The house across the street from Mary burned down. Guess they were God’s favorite kinds of parents with a bunch of little kids. Mary said she heard one of the 3-year-olds say, “I lit the couch on fire.”

Then a 5-year-old say, “Yup, I dared him to do it.”

Then one of these kids said something about Dad being really pissed when he got home, but then he was reminded by another kid that he was in jail. God’s quite a hit with choosing parents, isn’t he? And you know these kids will end up just as fucked as the parents and that they too will end up in jail.

I talked with Sandy earlier. Larry and Jen were at a band concert at the high school, but meanwhile, I got to laugh my ass off at Sandy. She said it was about 44º (30s & 40s are common at this time of year there) and that there was even some snow on the ground to go with it! I called 3-way and let her hear how lovely our weather’s gonna be, minus one little storm from CA.

Later…

I certainly can’t count on this and I won’t get my hopes up, but it “sounds” like Mr. Fuck might be taking off for a while. There’s been no music, but I thought I heard those packing sounds.

Later…

It’s over! The weekend’s over and it’s now my favorite time - Sunday evening.

I’m also psyched to say that I’ve gone all day without wax and am used to these things now. I just now put a little wax on the inside brackets, but just when I thought I’d never get used to these things, I got used to them.

Later…

Unless I’ve got stuff to do, I try to take the time to guard the kittens while they eat, so that they alone can eat and not their mean old mom as well. I chased the bitch around the side of the house just now, where there’s one of the long metal pieces that go to the security door we’ll probably never fully install. I thought about clanking and banging it for a sec when I saw that their living room windows were brightly lit, and at first I thought to myself, Nah, they didn’t do anything today that was noisy and that pissed me off. Then I thought, hey, wait a minute! What about the times when they did shit to me when I wasn’t noisy and didn’t give them a reason to bother me? So I picked the thing up and just threw it down, then booked it back in here cuz it’s at hours that they’re up. Sure enough, right after I threw the thing, I saw their security light come on but didn’t hear anything. I know they had to have heard this, too, cuz you’re talking about throwing it just a few feet away right outside their fucking window. Don’t get me wrong, cuz that security light goes on and off at all hours of the night and day. Any of these damn cats could trip it on, but I wouldn’t be surprised if someone did come out to look around. Normally they may say - fuck it. But they have reason to be paranoid while we’re neighbors and they know it. So now it’s mutual. Now we both get to live in stress. While I wonder if they’re gonna piss me off with noise, they have to wonder if I’ll do anything to their place.

I called Andy for my weekly chat which I usually call for late Sunday or sometime on Monday. He was at work, but I know how faithful he is when it comes to the phone and I know I can count on him to leave me a message when he gets in.

I told him that since he likes to tell people they’re gonna be in pain, he ended up right on the second day of the braces and filled him in on all that.

I also told him it was ironic that he recently had a dream where he was at my parents’ place and they were gathering up stuff to send to me in boxes, seeing that she’s now sending boxes of stuff she’s not taking to the new place. Tammy’s not getting any boxes, but they just had a fight, so maybe Ma’s too pissed off at her still.

Lastly, I told Andy about Melanie and how Tom knows that I think she’s pretty and that I can tell him these things without him worrying, and he trusts me, etc.

Ma usually emails me between 11 PM-1 AM her time, so I’ll check for a message soon.

FRIDAY, MARCH 13, 1998
I went through all my clothes, and 95% of them are just too damn small on me now or don’t fit at all. It’s almost hard to believe I was once that small. But I can never lose this weight, so I’ve got to do some summer clothes shopping. I have a few pairs of shorts I can still squeeze into, but I’ll have to get bigger sundresses and a bathing suit. It’s frustrating, but I have to just live with it and not try to fight it, cuz if I try to fight it, I’ll only exhaust and disappoint myself. So, no more new ways to lose weight that I “think” will finally get this weight off me. It’s just not coming off. Period.

Box #1 came today from my parents and this one was all cosmetics. This woman has more cosmetics than a store would. There was lotion, lipstick, eyeshadow, perfume, and hair conditioner.

Evie also sent me a card with pictures of Parker.

Tom picked out an old picture of his parents and printed it out to iron onto a shirt.

Tomorrow’s the day that he, Mary, Dave and Mikey will be moving his mom out and then the house becomes our responsibility till the day she dies, I’d assume. I’m glad Mary’s the executor of the will, though. And surprised, too.

Later…

Yesterday there were a series of anonymous calls with no messages. A little while ago there was one that was only two seconds long. It may have been a young male voice, but I couldn’t make out any words. Then I realized I didn’t block anonymous calls correctly, but I just did, though. Unless it’s Andy playing games, or unless it’s Paula which I doubt, it is the freeloaders. Paula wouldn’t call this much and she wouldn’t leave such a strange message, either. And I doubt Andy would play games with me, but you never know. My senses tell me it’s the freeloaders, but why not speak up? Why the lack of messages or inaudible two-second messages? The only time I heard voices was when that Spanish girl called with some guy in the background, and when the freeloader lady called to preach racial harmony.

Then a half-hour after the call, I heard a voice that sounded a lot like what I thought I may have heard on the phone. I don’t know. Maybe they just had company and the sick fucks got together to call me. It sounds like maybe the sick bitch over there is having people call and send pizzas to see if I still live here so she can try to have me served again.

Now for a pleasant call I got. Sweet Melanie herself gave me a call to see how I was doing. I told her that there’s been some problems and a lot of discomfort. The wire that was attached to the impacted tooth let go and Tom had to get metal cutters and snip it away. It was just hanging on the main wire. Guess there’s just not enough tooth there.

Tom was surprised that she herself called and not an aide or secretary of some kind. That was really nice of her and kind of ironic, too, seeing how I prayed to God for her to like me, too. I mean, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence and that she calls all her patients and that I’m not special to her at all, but anyway, I prayed for mutuality. What I mean by that is that I told God it can be our secret and that while she can be just as happy with her husband as I am with mine, it’d be nice if she liked me too and thought of me a lot, too. I don’t want to touch, all I want is some mutuality. I asked God for a sign if he does decide to grant my wish, but I just don’t know if this can really be considered a sign just cuz she herself called. I did call yesterday bitching about these things after all, so who knows? Just to know she thinks of me, be it sexually or not, would be totally flattering. I’d be honored to know I dominated her thoughts for a while. Like I said, I hope she’s as happy with hers as I am with mine, and I wouldn’t touch her even if she came out and told me that even though she’s married, she likes to fool around on the side. Not that she would ever do this, but this is just an example. I just would simply like to know that I’m thought of too, and that she thinks I’m attractive too, and that she fantasizes about chatting, cuddling, and maybe even some physical fun, too. If she’d lay there at night and think of me beside her, I’d be honored. If she’d wish I was there to chat with her, I’d be flattered.

Later…

Well, it doesn’t look like we’ll be getting any pizzas tonight. Maybe after we get pizza #4, I should leave a note out there saying, “We didn’t order any pizzas, but next door did.”

THURSDAY, MARCH 12, 1998
This is definitely the hottest day of the year so far. It’s in the 80s and even in the house, it’s warm.

No more toughie here in the teeth department. Just when I thought braces would be a breeze, they were a nightmare yesterday! My inner lips were so sore from the braces rubbing against them. The sides of my tongue were sore, too, cuz the brackets rub against them. So I’ve been waxing them to death and using Anbesol to numb my lips and tongue, but the stuff only lasts for 15 minutes. I called the dentist’s office and they upped my appointment to Monday. Today’s been better, though, cuz I’m finally getting better at waxing them and after having them thoroughly waxed for several hours, it’s been easier on the sores. The braces really have their sharp points so the wax helps to keep the lips from scraping along them. Maybe my lips and tongue will toughen up to them, but I may tell Melanie the next time I see her, to just take them off.

I talked to Tammy and Paula. They say it’s cold and of course, I laughed my ass off at them.

Later…

I’m gonna try to eat what I can of the last of my chicken wings, but then I’m gonna have nothing but liquids and things like soup and bananas, cuz my jaw is so sore.

That stupid, stupid freeloader. Still doesn’t get it? No prob. Tonight he’ll just have to lose some sleep. He came in at a semi-soft volume, but I know his patterns. That semi-soft volume will lead to a semi-obnoxious one, then an outrageous one. What if I go over there and not beat them up, but tell them that either they shut up with the music or they get evicted and lose their subsidy? Will that do it? Or am I right when I say the only thing that’ll work is my fists?

Why is it that these people decided from day one that they’d harass me? I never did shit to them (not till they provoked me to). Why wouldn’t these people want to get along with their neighbors? Why be so selfish and ask for problems? I just can’t wait till the day, be it here or after we move, that I finally get to sink my fists into those black eyes, noses, and mouths!!!

He won’t leave again till sixish, then he’ll return at around 7:30. I’ll let you know just how much I hear of his departure and arrival, of course.

Got a letter from Kim. She got a job in Holyoke as an allergy nurse (she ought to come take care of mine) but isn’t seeing anyone still. Well, contrary to Andy, I don’t think she’ll be alone forever, but I just can’t picture her having kids. She just doesn’t seem like your stereotypical mom, although she sort of looks like one. Not totally, but a little bit.

They say a Pacific storm will be sweeping through. Saturday might be cool, cloudy, and damp, but Sunday will be beautiful and it’ll be warming up again.

Later…

I’m making mashed potatoes now. All I can have are soft foods.

Was that a freeloader that just tried to call? I unblocked the anonymous call reject. Paula comes up as anonymous, but we just talked and she usually leaves a message. Andy just told me he’ll unblock his line whenever he calls, so we’ll see.

I would say that yes, our lovely freeloaders were told of my complaint and for it, I’ve gotten screams, honks, ball bounces, door slams, and a pizza. At least there’s been no music yet and the more I think about it, the more I’m not sure if the semi-soft music I heard around 4:00 was the freeloader.

As for the anonymous call, it could’ve been Paula or Andy, but my senses tell me it was freeloader-related. I just smell a freeloader involved here and I know a freeloader when I smell one. So on goes the anonymous call reject again. Let them get up the guts to leave their number or come to me face to face.

Like I said, there was a lot of door slamming, and yes, warmer weather always stirs them up, but they did something they don’t usually do on a weekday and this is how I figure it’s cuz of the complaint. They sat in the car and honked a few times to add to the door slams, and I could hear several loud voices and a ball bouncing for a few minutes. The voices were for more than just a few minutes, though. More like 15 minutes. Maybe they had company, cuz there was this female freeloader’s voice that I’ve heard before from over there (I don’t know if it’s the one who left those messages a few weeks ago or not) and I thought I also heard a boy of around 8 years old.

Then the doorbell rang while they were still out and about. I guess I can smell a freeloader better over the phone than through the door, cuz if I could’ve known for sure it was one of them, I’d have beaten the crap out of them even with their little friends there. But as a rule, I don’t answer the door. I don’t answer sales calls or anyone that I’m not expecting.

I have two theories as to what it was all about and both are freeloader-related. I cut the light and looked out and saw a blazer-like vehicle in the driveway and thought it could be someone from the courts again. I agree with Tom, though, that it was probably a pizza by the way they knocked and rang the bell so persistently. This is the third pizza, if that was what it really was, that we didn’t order. So, let me guess - they got together with their mutually sick little buddies and decided to have fun with me on the phone. But since I didn’t answer, they decided to order me a pizza while they sat out front and watched. And it was about the right length of time, too. Meaning, that the time I heard them out there was about the time it’d take to place the order, and then to get it to me.

Later…

Oh, what a lucky, lucky freeloader! I just heard really, really loud music, ran out front ready to kill, and saw that the security light was on but didn’t hear no car doors or see a soul. Then Tom said that to him, he heard the song which was an oldie. They certainly don’t listen to oldies and with them, it’s all bass and no music. Then we heard what we’re pretty sure was the same car (probably cruising for drugs) and there was no security light, car door, or freeloader, so it was definitely some other lonely desperado.

One unfortunate thing I have learned, though, and that’s that he is allowed to be there after all. Unless she just claimed he’s just a visitor, and unless they didn’t come out to check, he can obviously be there.

Now my mom says she’s got 10 boxes on their way to us!

Here we go again with Andy and his daily calls. Called to tell me he was psyched to see Quinn tonight. I’m thinking - whoopee! Like I really care? I mean, I’m happy he’s happy, but he’s just got no self-respect. Also, this could’ve waited till next week. I told him I’d call him then.

Boy, if Andy read the stuff I’ve written about him lately, he’d be so pissed. I understand his point, though, but yet I have a point, too.

Tom and I discussed a new moving plan to get us out of here in about a year. We were originally gonna get a trailer, then build a guest house to move into, then the main house to move into. However, we’ll probably just go ahead and get right into a nice mobile home, then build the main house (the mobile home will become a guest house).

As I said, I talked to Paula. It was nice to talk to her, as always, but she’s still the same old Paula. Dating a 19-year-old who’s in jail for being a murder suspect, screaming at the kid and telling me she hates herself for having that kid. But still, she can handle a kid more than I ever could. She can keep a schedule. She also deserves it more cuz she has nothing, and I mean nothing! God knows this, too.

She said she was in Florida for a while visiting a friend who was a neighbor, who was bitchy, so she left early and dyed her hair red.

There’s also a serial killer on the loose in Springfield. She let me hear the 11:00 news and I guess that there were 3 black women and one white woman killed. Paula’s not too thrilled about it cuz they were all mothers in projects.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 11, 1998
I did some singing a little while ago. The braces don’t really influence it one way or the other. The inside of the bracket, though, is just a wee bit too sharp and sticks out just a wee bit too much. Especially on the right side. I’m gonna see if she can adjust it. Meanwhile, I’m waxing the thing, but it’s not that easy. I can reach it easily enough, but I can’t get the wax to stick to it that well. It either falls off or is too thin at the pointy part. If it weren’t for the anchoring brackets, I’d probably already be used to these things.

Later…

We had a power failure earlier, so I had to set most of the clocks. I haven’t done the one on my stereo yet, and I’ll let Tom deal with the VCR one. It looks like the power failure killed the sound machine in the bedroom, but not the lamp that’s plugged into the same outlet. It fucking figures, huh? Of all the things plugged in to kill, it had to be a sound machine. Well, it could’ve been worse. It could’ve been my stereo or one of the computers. Fortunately, this happened after I got up, cuz power failures always wake someone like me up. Suddenly the fan’s gone and is replaced by cars, bumps, bangs, barks, etc., and awake I am.

Lately, it seems that something’s gone the opposite of how it used to be and is determined to protect my sleep. Not that I can complain about that one! The obsession God, or whatever, had with waking me up began slowly and ended slowly. It started around 1991, then was at its peak from early 1992 to late 1993, then tapered off around 1994. At least if I do wake up too soon, like that time I had diarrhea, my heart doesn’t feel like it’s gonna jump right out of my chest and my lungs don’t wheeze like hell. But if I had to do this every day for 4 or more months with a baby, that’d be different. We’d both be run down, cranky, and even sick. He’d very well lose his job. Not just due to being too tired to go in, but due to all the colds we’d both have. Babies and kids are always sick so we’d be sick a lot, too. Tom would go from having a few colds a year to a few colds a month! God may make mistakes by having 12-year-olds have babies, but he sure hit it right by sterilizing me! Oh, the blessings of it after all!

Later…

Tom, who is also good with people, noticed a pattern with Andy. Andy’s always seemed to take pleasure in telling people that things will be painful, and to him, everything is painful. So when I told Tom that he said getting the braces put on would be painful, Tom said that when I told Andy they weren’t painful, Andy would say, “No. It’s not getting them on that hurts. It’s when they tighten them.” True to pattern, this is what Andy said. I wonder why he likes to see others have to anticipate pain, though? I mean, that’s not very nice. However, I do have some irritation under my lip from the braces rubbing against them. Guess it’ll take time for them to get used to the rubbing and harden up to it.

As Tom agreed and said, most people are liars and most of what they say are lies. So on the 18th, when the time we agreed on is up, I’m sure he still won’t have made his appointment, but you know what? I hope he doesn’t. I mean, I want him to get checked out to be sure he’s OK and all that, but I just don’t want to deal with a child at this time. Maybe I’ll bitch about the child I can’t have after we’ve moved, but right now would be a horrible time to have a child and like I said, I want peace and quiet. Not to have to sit and listen to a demanding, fussy child cry. I want my freedom and to live life. I want my sleep. I don’t want to be tied down and miserable. I just want a child to be the thought and talk it always has been. Not a reality. Not anymore. Not at this time, anyway.

I also have to do what I feel the man I love wants, too. I want him to be happy, and cumming regularly and the idea of going to a fertility doctor has always seemed to make him anything but happy. Well, if he ever asks me if I still want a child, no matter what the truth is, I’m gonna tell him what he wants to hear and what I’ve seen to make him happiest and what I believe will make him happiest. And I know what can and can’t be, too (at least we’ll never have to face the birth control dilemma!).

Later…

These braces really are a bitch, what with how the knobby parts of the brackets dig into my tongue and lips. I hope they callous up and I get used to this shit real damn fast!

Our door-slamming freeloader is here. That’s the hardest slam in a while too, so maybe the reason why there’s no music and heavy door slamming again is cuz they heard about a certain letter. I figured that if they heard about the letter and felt it was worth turning the music down for, in exchange for it, they’d pick up with their slamming. I’d rather that, though, than their music, since they’re so desperate for my attention and for me to acknowledge that they exist.

That may not have been the freeloader cock after all, but the freeloader bitch, getting dropped off for the day. Yeah, I can see her as being much more of a door slammer with her aggressive ways.

In my ma’s email to me, she said congrats on the braces and congrats to Tom for his promotion. Also, she’s got 3 packages coming to me. Wow!

Later…

I spoke to Tammy earlier and she says it’s cold. I laughed. I told her how beautiful it is here in the 80s.

I was just outside playing with the cats. Meaning, White Feet and Blackie. I should call him White Paws, though, cuz I like that better. They came into the house for a bit, but I still can’t just sit there and pat them. I can get right up to White Paws, though, where I’m brushing his fur. Blackie’s less aggressive and friendlier, but she’s a timid one.

Just to back up to what I meant by when I said in my last journal that the girl who does my teeth is Melanie Marie Something. By “Something” I meant that I couldn’t see her last name on her diplomas. All I could see was that her last name began with a C before she was married, and now it begins with a W.

Tom said Ma had a seizure cuz she’s been dropping pills. She’d shove several pills into her mouth at once without realizing she was dropping some. Then after the seizure and finding pills all over, she realized she wasn’t getting all her medication as she assumed.

I hope she’ll be better and will live longer than a year. Tom thinks she doesn’t have too much time left. Maybe so, but a couple more years seems more logical. However, whether she goes now or later down the road, God will set us up to take care of someone else and it won’t be our child. Thank God!

What a gorgeous day that was. Getting a bit chilly out there now, though. The warmer weather stirred up the kids two yards down for a while as it usually does till it gets really hot. Again, I enjoyed how they couldn’t be heard in the house and how there was no dog next door.

Unbeknownst to me, till I checked, el cock pulled in shortly after the bitch’s ride pulled out. He’s not in for the night, though. Lately, instead of coming in for lunch, he goes back out for a while in the early evenings. Also, you’d think that if they’ve heard about the letters we sent, you’d think that they’d want to shut up, cuz it’d seem logical that keeping that house would be more important to them than harassing me. I also can’t read their minds to know if they really do hear me when I’ve made a racket at night, know why, and don’t like it. On the other hand, noise doesn’t bother them and these brazen fucks just don’t care. They think they can do whatever they want however they want to whomever they want.

Later…

The freeloader just left. I heard a car door, although not so loud this time. I bet you, though, that when he comes back and pulls into the carport and is right alongside the house, he’ll slam the living shit out of it.

Guess I’ll go do some proofreading and read some of my library book, too.

And think of Melanie Marie. Don’t get me wrong, I love my husband and wouldn’t touch another soul and would die without him, but a little eye candy on the side never hurt.

TUESDAY, MARCH 10, 1998
Well, Andy was wrong. He told me I had no idea how painful it was to have braces put on. That’s what he, Jai, and others have said that have had braces. Andy thinks everything’s painful, though, and likes to tell people they’re gonna be in pain. Anyway, it wasn’t painful at all. Not really even uncomfortable, either. The only cons to it were that it took an hour and a half, which felt like 5 hours, the cleaners they put on the teeth tasted nasty, and they feel weird. They’re gonna take some getting used to, and I suppose singing will feel a bit strange, too.

Another bummer is that even non-stick gum gets caught in the braces. Thank God it’s been a whole 5 months since I quit and that I don’t miss the damn things and aren’t as addicted to gum like I was the first 3 and a half months after quitting. I’ll be switching to Tic-Tac Mints instead. My teeth aren’t sore, but they are if I try to chew gum.

I got colorful braces, too. The braces themselves are traditional metal, but the bands under and around them are plastic and colored. She rotated colors - pink, purple and blue. As Tom pointed out, they look like little gemstones. I referred to myself as Brace Face at one point and Tom said he likes Wiremouth better. OK. Whatever.

Tom and I discussed it and in a year or two, I’m gonna go for it and get my crooked bottom teeth straightened out as well!

The bonus to having this shit done is that Miss Gorgeous herself is the one doing it. The doc came in to check things out, but other than that, she does all the ortho. Her name is Melanie Marie Something and she’s 27, has had braces herself and has nice teeth, has nice brown eyes (has a nice face, for that matter), has long brown curly hair, is about 5’ 6”, and is married. I was surprised too, but sometimes people you don’t think would be married, are married. She just seems the single type. Anyway, she’s been doing what she does for 8 years and I’m glad I get to stick with the same person (she says she’s sure she’ll be there forever) cuz then I feel more comfortable.

Anyway, I’ll have the braces on for a year, give or take a few months. Some people’s teeth move faster than others. After the braces come off, I’ll be wearing a retainer for a year, then just at night. She said it only took her a few days to get used to her braces.

She gave me a kit that contains a toothbrush for traveling, a regular toothbrush, and a little one with just a few bristles on it for cleaning the braces. There were also things to thread the floss behind the wires so I can floss easily, not that I ever really do. And lastly, she gave me some wax for the pointy parts. The brackets on the back molars that anchor the bands and wires have a pointy part that kind of scrapes my tongue, so I wax that part.

Nonetheless, I’m glad I’m getting this out of the way and again, I’m really glad I don’t have a child to bog me down and make things like this and our moving plans even harder to do. You hear of so many people whose plans were shot cuz they found out they were pregnant. The plan is to buy the land in about a year, give or take a few months, then live in a mobile home for a few months while we build a small house. Then we’d move into the small house while we built the final, bigger house. Then the small house would become a guest house.

Later…

Tom got a new job within the bank. It’s not so much a new job, but he’s gonna be the boss of his shift, which consists of 2-3 people, cuz the guy that’s been the boss of the shift, has left. So his hours will hopefully stabilize. He may work more like 2 AM - 10 AM. He’ll get to have more say in his schedule. And a raise, too.

Mom’s gonna be sending packages of stuff she’s not taking to the new house. One of them is on its way.

Thank God Tom’s different and so easy to please, cuz any other guy probably would’ve been pissed about last night. Tom said he’d like to eat, digest, then have fun around midnight, but come 11:00 I was beat and ended up crashing on the poor guy!

I hear Tweety filing his beak.

MONDAY, MARCH 9, 1998
Sleep well, my little freeloaders! For I am going to be waking you up in just half an hour. God, I hope so, but I don’t know. Wouldn’t God be waking me up as a payback, if I were really waking them up? Well, I can still try, anyway, and it at least makes me feel like I’m waking them up.

Anyway, I can’t get that girl off my mind. The one that put my spacers in all the way. I don’t know her name and don’t really remember what she looks like, but she totally turned me on. I do remember her to have really pretty brown eyes and a nice body. She’s probably in her 20s. She had nice teeth herself. Something about her mannerisms and the way she moved too, was a turn-on. I hope I’ll be seeing her again, whoever she is.

Later…

Guess I really am wasting my time with the waking up of the freeloaders. They either slept through all that pummeling, or they knew it was just me and didn’t want to give me the satisfaction of coming out to check. No one came out to look around, that much I’m sure of. Then I remembered how they slept through their dog yipping away for hours when it’d get loose.

I couldn’t tell for sure who it was, but someone went banging by real loud at around noon. If that was the freeloader, who usually starts back up after a quiet spell by having his music at a so-so volume like yesterday, then an outrageous one, things are gonna be hell around here again. I still say that the only way to solve this problem once and for all is with my fists. No city letter is gonna do it as long as we’re here and he’s in the picture.

I have a damn good accuracy rate when it comes to my vibes pertaining to them and I feel more and more that not only will she be there till we move, but so will he. It’d only take two minutes to end this stress and problem with blasting music once and for all. Either way, they will be facing my fists one of these days. Cuz if I don’t get them while we’re here, I’ll come back one day and get them after we’ve split and they don’t know where the hell we are. Anyway, we’ll just have to see how the sick, selfish fuck comes in later, but he’s not gonna be banging in and out for lunch again, without having to pay for it in some way. I’ll think of something if I don’t bash his black brains in.

Later…

I wish Andy could be as punctual with his visits as he is with his calls. He calls me right back - and I mean right back - when I leave a message.

I forgot to mention earlier that we went to see Ma on Saturday. Her hair’s growing back and she seemed fairly with it, but she looked awful, nonetheless. Her legs are now thinner than mine. She’s lost a lot of weight and atrophy has set in, so she has a lot of trouble walking.

Later…

I spoke to Andy who lost the second key to this house that I gave him. So he might come over sometime soon so that I can give him my key to use in case we do go to California in April and in case we do need him to feed the critters. And also, to see the animated birthday card that Marla and Evan sent.

Then I got what I think is a bright idea. I don’t know if Tom will agree with me just so he can have yet another thing to disagree with me on, or for some other reason I haven’t thought of, but just for a few days, I think my plan will work out just fine.

We can take out the floor tube in the mice’s cage that leads to the aquarium to prevent them from getting down there. Then we can put the pig in the aquarium and Bunny in the big hutch. We can’t put them in together, unfortunately, if Bunny’s just gonna go charging Velvet.

Since I quit smoking, God has not given me a day off from these fucking allergies! Every day I have sneezing fits. He just won’t give me a break!

I finally took a dump, but I’m hanging up my diet. I couldn’t lose weight if I tried, but that’s just the thing - I did try. My thighs and stomach just won’t take to the exercises that are best recommended for those areas and I gained back the few pounds I lost. Again, I know something up there doesn’t want exercises to work for me. And it doesn’t want me thin again. Like I said, I’ll never be thin again. Never. And just when I think I will, something up there’s like, “Oh yeah? That’s what you think!”

And back to reality I’m thrown.

I thought I just heard a car door next door but didn’t see a car when I peeked out just now.

I won’t have to hold Laura’s rent money anymore. Gary put a deadbeat on Andy’s closet before he left to hit the road again to sell his jewelry.

Andy’s still lowering himself by seeing Quinn. He says he’s not a druggie anymore and has become this oh-so polite, sweet, human guy, but still - how can one be that desperate to stoop down to a person that abused them no matter how attracted they are to the person?

I feel a dump coming on, and I figured that I’d shit like hell once it started up again, to make up for lost time. What am I gonna do now? Shit 4 times in one day, then not shit for 4 days?

Later…

Just took dump #2. Well, at least I’m getting it out of my system. Maybe this is why I put my weight back on, but I don’t see myself ever being thin again. Well, I don’t know.

As I was saying about Andy and Quinn - I guess I shouldn’t talk. I was desperate for rides and for any help I could get from Nervous that I put up with his mouth. Nervous and I were both desperate, but in different ways for different reasons. The difference today, though, is that I wouldn’t get involved in the first place with a loser like Nervous, even if we did have some good chats and even if he was helpful. Andy should know better by now, but he feels that Quinn’s better than being alone. That’s sad. And such a lousy attitude. He said he knows he’s not in love with him anymore and that it’s purely a lust thing. He said he can’t get by anymore with sex just twice a year. He says he needs it once a month and that masturbating doesn’t cut it for him anymore.

I told him yet again, I don’t want a big deal out of a visit. I don’t want to play phone constantly leading up to our visit and I don’t want to wait hours for him. Then he went on to tell me how he ended up late for a visit with Quinn cuz his laundry didn’t dry in time, etc. In other words, he’s gonna come over when he says so and not when we agree to meet.

Later…

Well, I did lose a pound of those few I had gained back, so I don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m being teased with losing weight here. Anyway, I did my stomach and thigh exercises cuz even though they’re thoroughly useless, they make me feel like I’m at least putting forth my best effort.

It’s totally gorgeous outside now and they say it’ll get up to the mid-80s in a couple of days.

The freeloaders and possible freeloader company could be arriving any sec now, so I’m gonna go up front and read not only cuz that’s what I want to do now, but to get a good handle on how they come in. Although one may be able to get a so-called good handle on how they come in, from a whole 3 blocks away.

Later…

Got a Bob letter saying how sorry he is for being short with me in his last letter. He asked for a lie detector test and truth serum but was denied these things, etc. Same old sob story.

Anyway, it looks like that bitch of a cat may be ready to drop any time now. Tom says it’ll be more than two kittens, too. And I still say she’ll have them here and that her first two won’t kill them.

Also, the basketball hoop is gone from the backyard where the guard dogs are. I looked to see if they moved it up front, but didn’t see it. I sure as hell hope it wasn’t just something they were borrowing or that it broke, cuz then where are they gonna go? Right next door. And March, April and May tend to stir up kids and bring them out onto the streets. Of course, this warming trend’s also gonna stir up a certain pack of freeloaders, as well.

Later…

El cock hasn’t arrived yet.

Anyway, I did some jump roping and gained back that pound I thought I lost. Yup, something’s teasing me. Well, whatever you are, there are worse things in life than weighing 126 pounds.

Later…

So far, no freeloader. I hope to hell that this means that he’s taken off for a while and his music yesterday was just to let me know this. He does that at times - lets me know when there’s a change to come. Nonetheless, this bastard’s been there since what? Last May? So I’m well overdue for a break from the little shit.

Now I see where the basketball hoop’s been moved to. They moved it from facing us at halfway down their yard to facing the back up by their patio. It’s skinny from the side, so one could easily miss it and not know it was there like in my case. I discovered it cuz I could hear the kids screaming and could see the ball go flying towards it. Thank God I can’t hear their screams and the ball bouncing in the house. After the bass shit, I can deal with listening to kids as long as they’re not right outside the house, but just think, what if they had been our neighbors all along? That’d be a nightmare! So things could be much, much worse with the neighbor situation. All those kids and those two loud dogs would make the Mormons seem like mutes. Not to mention the constant car doors, since the parents drop the kids off and pick them up daily after they babysat them all day.

Miss Bitch cat is still hanging at the side of the house where she had the other two. I wouldn’t be surprised if she had them at night, so I’ll take a flashlight out and check periodically.

Later…

The freeloader’s here. I heard the car door earlier.

SUNDAY, MARCH 8, 1998
It’s now my favorite time - Sunday evening. It’s also about time I got updated in here, too. Let me get our beautiful neighbors out of the way first. I could’ve said it was a peaceful weekend, until 4 hours ago at 4:00 when he based out. He returned quietly, so he wasn’t telling me he was leaving like he sometimes does by playing the music at a so-so, but still unacceptable and distracting volume. Well, he’s gonna have to be woken up tonight. I didn’t want to, cuz I’d prefer to do other things, but come 1 AM, he’s gonna have to hear me. As long as it takes for it to sink through his thick black skull that music means a wake-up call is as long as I’ll make myself heard in return for hearing them. And it was definitely him and not company, cuz I saw him. So what’s this? If company doesn’t bang in or out on Sundays, then he will?

Thank God there’s no dog there. Yet.

Tom fixed the back screen door which was coming off its hinge and he changed the pig’s cage while I did the mice.

Earlier, I took Velvet outside and he and Bunny were nose to nose saying hello to each other. Bunny was nice, too, since he was outside. He runs up to me a lot to pat his nose and to remind me, as Tom says, that he’s still my Bunny.

We only screwed once over the weekend, and again, I faked an orgasm. I don’t know what’s suddenly deflated my sexual appetite, but I’m hardly ever horny. And when I am, he’s either not here or is asleep, so I end up taking care of myself. I kind of like it, though, not having the higher drive that I had before. Like I said, it seems to snuff out the baby desires and we can’t have sex too much more than once a week anyway since he’s busy and since my schedule doesn’t always match his. Keeping the sex down to once every week or two keeps things more exciting. He never had much of a drive himself anyway, and he did not want to get off at all this weekend. I understand, though. If I were this normal woman he thinks I am, I could’ve gotten pregnant and I still think he doesn’t want a kid. It just may be a deep-rooted subconscious thing that he isn’t consciously aware of. It probably is, the more I think about it. He doesn’t know he doesn’t want a kid. I know, though, and the idea appeals to me less and less, too. I just don’t know if I really want to put up with all it’d entail these days. I want life, peace, tranquility. A child is not only something I couldn’t handle but why bring anything into the picture that could come in between Tom and I? I don’t want to risk or ruin a good thing. Yeah, we have our disagreements, but still, our marriage is too good to be altered in any big risky way.

We would’ve ended up screwing on Saturday, the day most likely for baby-making if I were normal, but due to our way of communicating, we didn’t (not that he’d have necessarily cum either, cuz he probably wouldn’t have). This got me thinking, though. We had agreed to go out to do errands at a particular time. Then he said he was gonna go lay down right around that time (this freeloader’s getting on my nerves with his door slamming again)! Anyway, I told him I thought we were gonna leave at that time and he said OK, we could leave at the original time we said we would. So we did. Then when we came back and got around to laying down together, he was too tired to really get it up (or too scared to as well). Now here’s what proves I’m right about God not wanting to help me and why I’m glad I don’t want a kid too much these days anyway. It’s cuz God could’ve seen to it that we did get together at a good time and that he did cum and that a baby was made. Although a child is still something I don’t deserve, not in my cards, couldn’t handle, don’t really want as much anymore, and that would be wrong for me, maybe I am fertile. Maybe I really, really am OK and for some reason, God’s just protecting me from a child and making sure I don’t conceive, rather than sterilize me or anyone that’s gotten off in me during my life. Maybe he doesn’t have to. Maybe it’s simpler for him than I can imagine. Maybe all he has to do is just think in his mind how he doesn’t want a sperm to connect with one of my eggs cuz a child isn’t in my destiny, and then it’s a done deal.

Tom and I were talking earlier and he was telling me that he believes he and I can do anything we want and that if we believe we can’t do something, then we can’t. He also says that most people in general find it more fulfilling to dream about something than to do it. I always wished I was one of those people, cuz almost all my dreams were impossible dreams, but now I feel more and more satisfied with just dreaming about a child, cuz I know what the consequences would be for actually having one.

I’m gonna do everything I can do to go along with God and make sure I never have a child, whether it hurts or not, cuz if he feels I don’t deserve one, I feel I don’t deserve one. And it’s true. I don’t. I have other blessings that I do deserve and God can’t spoil one by giving them everything they want. Also, I always got off on punishing myself, so to speak. I don’t know why I do it, but it’s something my instinct has always told me to do. So to be cruel to myself, in a sense, and deny myself the right to a child (along with God), will make me feel stronger and I believe it’ll score points with God too, cuz that’s also doing the right thing. It’s when I do wrong and go against his plans for me (or try to) that trouble comes. That real trouble comes.

I have been stuck for the longest time in quite a while, but hell if I’ll take laxatives and get sick in order to shit! I’ve been taking Metamucil, but so far it hasn’t helped. The weird but nice thing about it is that my weight’s still down. However, it’s obviously not gonna be down to 122 this Wednesday like it should be, so once again, something up there doesn’t want me losing weight. Every time I think I just may be able to shed this weight, something happens to remind me that it just isn’t gonna happen. Chances are excellent, especially as long as I don’t smoke, that I’ll never be thin again, and I just have to accept this like it or not. Anyway, I’ll shit when my body’s ready to. Maybe all this typing which I haven’t done in a few days will help because as I said before, banging on the keyboard always seems to bring on a dump.

Got a letter from a very unhappy Bob who said something along the lines of how if he can’t prove himself to me and Kim, too bad. How dare I think he’s stuck his dick in anybody in the last 15 years, he’ll answer any questions but has no feelings left, etc. I know that his not having sex in 15 years is bullshit and even he’s said so, but nonetheless, he obviously took my teasing all wrong. I told him I don’t give a shit where his dick has been in the last 15 years. It’s none of my business.

So other than sending him old journal drafts from my proofreading project, I have to use them for him. Never did, anyway, other than car rides and for someone to read my old journal stuff/wacky letters. I get a real kick out of people like Fran, Nervous and him reading my journal stuff. That way I know my writing’s been put to good use and has been read by someone who will read it and I won’t be embarrassed cuz it’d be read by someone whose opinions I could care less about.

Later…

I just rearranged the mice, not just their cages, but where their cages are. They were right by the doorway separating the kitchen and back room, but now they’re by the back door. I really like this a lot better, cuz now I won’t get a whiff of their stinkiness every time I walk by them, and I walk to and from the back room and kitchen a lot more than I go in and out the back door. I think it’ll also help with their smell if they’re right by the door, too. I can also see them from the kitchen now and I’m sure that due to their inquisitive nature, they’re quite pleased with being able to see more of the house where they now are.

Yesterday, we went to Staples where he got a program that lets you design your own home, which I think is a little too soon to get, but he wanted it.

We also went to a couple of art stores where we got thinner cardboard since the one we got to do journal covers with, was too thick for the puncher. We came up with some pretty cool experimentations, though. On one so-called cover, I’ve got a desert scene, some clipart palm trees, and a picture of Norah. On another cover, I’ve got strips of pictures. A strip of Gloria, then Norah, and I rotated back and forth. Each strip of 4-6 pictures is the same picture.

Anyway, we used a type of clear contact paper, but that bunched up in certain areas. We used a spray, too, to laminate one of the covers and Tom says that dried too fast. So, I’ve been using these two covers for just decorations.

The iron-on shirts - now that was a cool project! I’d have killed to have done these in 1989 when I was really hot for Gloria. Anyway, I printed out both Norah and Gloria pictures onto iron-on sheets, then ironed them onto 3 different T-shirts. I didn’t do a very good job on some of them, but it’s still awesome!

We got a form for ordering magazines through Sarah’s Brownie troop. I’m not a magazine person like Tom is, but nonetheless, I got a Weight Watchers magazine and he got a couple of computer magazines.

Guess Tammy’s happiness has been rather short-lived. Things are civil with Bill and she’s still with Mark and is happy with him, but the problem is Lisa and Mom.

She says Lisa’s smoking. Yeah, I figured as much. No, I’m not mad, but I am disappointed, as I said before. I can understand the “hell, I’m not gonna quit, and cigarettes will never bother me” attitude. I know how it almost always takes years to quit and I can see her wanting to tell someone she looks up to that she did in fact quit when she really didn’t. Anyway, she said she told Lisa that she’d prefer she didn’t smoke for reasons that are obvious, like how it’s bad for you, but she also knows she can’t stop her. She said all she asked of Lisa was that she smoke outside and not in her room. Lisa isn’t listening, I guess, and from what Tammy says, she’s going and doing the opposite of what Tammy says. Yeah, that’s kids for you and again, do I really want one of those rebellious things? I don’t think so. I think I’d prefer to just think about it. Cuz then I don’t have to really deal with motherhood’s shit.

She said Jen stood there for 3 days and that she and Lisa had a good time, but Lisa did not end up going to Larry’s this weekend after all. Tammy said teachers at Lisa’s school were calling about her grades, etc. That’s why Tammy told Larry that maybe next weekend would be better, cuz she needed to catch up on her schoolwork.

Then she said she’s had it with Mom and is ending her contact with her. Mom was questioning her parenting, telling Tammy she’s not an RN and to send a diploma to prove it (Tammy’s really just a nurse’s aide and she has told Larry and I that she was a nurse, but since I know Tammy does hype things up, I just ignored it). She also told Tammy that 4 times she’s turned to men and asked if she was having sex with Mark.

At least she has Mark, though, cuz some people have no one and I know what that’s like, cuz I’ve been there. She agreed, but she feels alone as far as family goes. Family other than her kids. She pointed out how I’m so far away. True, and we both have mixed emotions about that, too. We’d love to see each other, but we know we have to do what we have to do. My family doesn’t have any regrets about me coming out here, either. They say it’s the ones you’re closest to that are the farthest away. If it were Larry she was closest to, he’d be the one out here.

Anyway, the only thing Ma said that I agree with, besides the fact that Tammy’s not an RN, is how Tammy does turn to men. She’s always seemed the non-independent type who’s gotta have a man.

I told her that if she wanted my advice, I’d email Mom, not call her, and tell her to fuck this diploma shit. Nurse’s aide, RN, MD - they’re all the same in the sense that they’re helping people. As long as Tammy enjoys her work, that’s what counts.

And like Tammy said, who the fuck is Mom to question her parenting, whether or not Tammy was a good parent when she was a shitty parent?! That’s something someone like my Mom would do, too, question someone else’s parenting. It helps her cover and justifies her own guilt for being a lousy mother.

I also told her she might want to tell Mom that it’s her crotch and her right to have whoever’s dick in it she wants.

FRIDAY, MARCH 6, 1998
I just spoke to Larry who said he just spoke to Dad. I was surprised, yet pleased to hear that Larry’s to be picking up Lisa and taking her to his house for the weekend since she and Jen have been talking.

This is the second winter in a row that hasn’t been too bad in New England. It was still funny how Larry said it was to make it up to a whole 40º there today. Well, it’s to be almost 40º higher here. Lately, it’s been nearly 80º and gorgeous. There were some clouds earlier and they say there may be a chance of rain till midnight, but as usual, it’ll warm up and clear up in time for a bright and sunny weekend where kids will be playing ball next door, along with their company blasting in and out, if he doesn’t start up again, too, like he very well might.

I forgot to mention this earlier, but Tom says that they just allowed gay marriages in the state of Alaska. That’s nice, cuz I don’t think anyone should have the right to tell someone who they can/can’t marry. He says that usually when one state changes a law, the rest of the states follow. Yeah, but wouldn’t that take some time?

Well, it looks like I’m stuck again here. This is the second day since I last took a shit, but I ain’t taking no damn laxatives, that’s for sure! I’ll just shit whenever I shit. It’s common for a woman to be constipated for a day or two every week or two. At least it doesn’t get absorbed into me and make me fatter like it used to. Instead, I now make up for lost time. If I skip a day without shitting, I’ll shit twice the next day to make up for it. Then it doesn’t become another factor in me gaining weight. It appears that my metabolism just might be speeding up - finally! I’m waking up a pound or two lighter like a person should. I’m at 124 and if I keep losing two pounds a week, I can be at 100 at the end of May or the beginning of June. My thigh and tummy exercises don’t seem to be helping much, though. My thighs are the size my waist should be. A whole 23”!

Later…

Tom’s home now eating lunch. It’s still kind of a dank day out there, but we’re gonna trim some hedges, anyway.

THURSDAY, MARCH 5, 1998
Andy made a big production, once again, about coming over, but like he said, thank God I wasn’t waiting for him cuz I’d have been pissed. He did make it over, though, but he came at night rather than in the afternoon. I figured as much, though. I was asleep when he came, but we didn’t plan to visit anyway, cuz of my stomach (which is better now).

He picked up Laura’s money and left my belated birthday gifts. There were two journals and they were very nice. He wrote a page in one of them, of course, and it was the nicest page ever written by him. It was neat too, cuz the first half of the page was touching and sincere, then it got crazy and made no sense.

Then I also got a box of those mini stickers. There were about 500 of them. I’ve gotten these things before, but not with these designs. I used them to decorate the inside journal covers I have, as well as envelopes. One will go to Andy with a thank you/wacky letter. Then there was another box containing sheets of 525 stickers that you colorize yourself. It came with 8 markers, too. There was one preprinted sheet, though.

Lastly, there was a lace-like blouse from Laura. I could tell it was from her cuz of the cigarette smoke. It was also her size and style, although we obviously have similar tastes in styles. I’m not her size anymore, though.

Andy will have himself a little treat next time he does come over. Marla sent an animated birthday card with sound for him. I’ve got it in my world and will play it for him next time he comes over.

Ma sent back baby carrots and shredded lettuce for the critters that were leftover from her company. They appreciated it, too.

Ma’s really beat after having company for a week, so we’re gonna let her rest up this weekend, rather than move her this weekend. God, you’re gonna have to use something else to dodge this oh-so-possible pregnancy that can happen. I’ll be mid-cycle this weekend, so since I’m oh-so normal, you’ll have to tie Tom up with something else or make sure he doesn’t get off.

I’m sure he won’t get off, though. I’ve expressed my dwindling desires for a child and how I don’t want to be bogged down with fertility doctors and a child if that were possible, cuz it’d stall us from moving sooner, from living life, and from obtaining any peace. He said he disagrees, though. Of course, he does. Nonetheless, it wouldn’t fit into our lives at this time if that were meant to be, but I know I can count on God to not extend this family.

What a cute scene I witnessed earlier. A few of the pigeons, mainly Measles, decided that they too like pellets, so she and Bunny were eating them together out of the little bowl I have out there. It was adorable and I shot some pictures of it.

El cock is still quiet with the music but is sometimes door slamming again. So, they’re having their company blast off instead, huh? However, all was quiet yesterday. I was surprised. Guess they didn’t have company that day.

Went to get my spacers put back in, and this girl, who was someone I don’t think I’ve ever seen before, was sort of rough with me. She had to be, though, cuz it turns out that that black lady didn’t put them in all the way. Guess she was too gentle with me, but this one jammed them in and put pressure on my lower lip in the midst of it that I thought it’d split on me. Then, one of the spacers broke and I got the inside of my mouth smacked with the tweezer-like tool she used to jam them in between the back molars where the bands are gonna attach to. She finally got each one in all the way. I can tell they’re in all the way too, by how I can’t feel them with my tongue, whereas I could feel them the first time around. The good news about it is that I can chew sugarless, non-stick gum without a problem and even when I get the braces. Thank God! She said that she actually encourages that to help with the muscles since the teeth will be sore.

My folks are gonna be moving into a 1-story house to make it easier on them. As I told her, I never could understand why they got a 2-story condo and not a 1-story house in the first place.

WEDNESDAY, MARCH 4, 1998
And the shit goes on! Before I get to it, though, let me back up and cover the trip to the dentist first. As usual, there wasn’t much waiting time, so that was nice. Having the tooth pulled was a breeze and only took 3 seconds. There was no discomfort afterward at all. Not as long as I don’t chew in that area there won’t be. The spacers and molds they put on weren’t too comfy. She had to apply a lot of pressure to get the spacers in, which fell off. I forgot to ask if I could chew gum. The gum got stuck in one of the spacers, but what made the other one fall out, beats me. I’m gonna be really fucking pissed if I can’t chew gum during this ordeal. I have to go back tomorrow to get them put on again. What a pisser, huh?

As for the molds, when they first put the shit in your mouth, it’s like mashed potatoes, then it firms up. When it sets up enough for it to be taken out, it really tugs a lot cuz it’s kind of like vacuumed on there. The stuff also feels like it’s gonna go down your throat, too.

They also took pictures of the baby tooth before it was pulled. They gave me a regular-sized photo of it, too. The photo had 4 pictures of it at different angles.

I fell asleep last night at 8:00 and 4 hours later (it’s always that 4th hour that if any shit’s gonna wake you, it wakes you) I awoke with bad diarrhea. I had been stuck for a couple of days and took a women’s laxative that’s supposed to give you “gentle overnight relief in 6-12 hours.” Instead, I got harsh middle-of-the-night runs in 4 hours. So if I was gonna be up, so were the freeloaders. I went out back, did some banging, then fell back asleep from around 4:00 - 8:00, had some more runs, took a shower, ate a pork chop and had coffee, had more runs, then called Tom about getting me something for this shit after he’s done bringing Neva and Peggy to the airport to go back to Michigan.

I also told Andy that today wasn’t a good day for visiting, but that I’d leave his money out for him.

Daddy cat roams around the yard a lot more these days and now there’s some new female cat that’s hanging around here, too! Jesus, we’re gonna be overrun with cats!

I don’t know if the mice were worried about me or what, but earlier, they were pretty active for it being daytime.

Later…

Tom’s gone to bed. He’s pretty bushed.

I still have to see Andy come get his money to believe it.

My stomach’s just getting better and I ate my way back up to 123 to get my strength back. Hopefully, that’s all I’ll get back up to. Tom brought home some stuff for diarrhea if it acts up again.

All’s quiet around here now till the freeloaders come home. And till some other stereo cruises by. Again, I would think it was the weekend if I didn’t know any better. I must’ve heard 3-4 stereos breeze by.

We’ve changed our moving plans and I’ve decided that I’m just not gonna go to no fertility specialist. Not now. Not ever. I have to sit back and look at it realistically. I just could never handle a kid. Not after all I’ve gone through. I need peace and stability in my life. Not chaos and stress.

So I told Tom it’d be good to pick out doctors in case say I get an infection or something and need antibiotics. There were originally 3 steps to the plan where he was to get a check-up, then I was to get a check-up, then we were to see the fertility people. I told him we could do the first two steps and drop the last one. He then said why not do the first two, then decide whether or not we want to do the last one? Well, I know he’s fine not doing the last one. Meanwhile, we have enough going on and there’s no way we could fit a child into our plans, anyhow, regardless of what he says. He’s my husband. He’s supposed to tell his wife she can do/have something she mentions doing/having. But in reality, I wouldn’t let them fix me now if they could. I’ve had enough. It’s now onto practical things that can be done that I can handle and that’d be in my best interest as well as the interest of those associated with me.

It was gonna be 12-18 months, so he says as lousy as he is with timetables, when we were gonna use the stock money to buy the land and new house with, then the sale of the house money for new furniture and a pool.

However, if we want to split sooner, like in maybe 8-9 months (although that seems like just a dream) then maybe we could use the stock money to buy the land and get a cheap trailer. Live in the trailer for 3-4 months while we built the new house, a smaller house than we originally planned. And get new furniture. Then we could take the sale of this house money and use that to rebuild a bigger home, and then the smaller one can become a guest house. The only real delay will be putting in a pool, but if I had to choose between being delayed a pool, versus getting the fuck out of here, you know which one I’d choose. Besides, we can always get a huge kiddy pool or an above-ground pool like Tom mentioned. I don’t know. We’ll just have to wait and see and I’ll let you know what happens as it eventually happens, OK?

Oh, brother! Here we go again with the upset belly. Thank God Tom brought home the stuff he did, although I could’ve used it 14 hours ago. Is this shit ever gonna get out of my system? It’s amazing what laxatives can do to you!

TUESDAY, MARCH 3, 1998
Again, God answered my sleep schedule prayers. That’s really nice of him, but why that and not the one with the child? It’s just not something I could handle, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Anyway, they pull my teeth later today, etc. I’ll write about how that goes, of course.

Yesterday I got mail from both Kim and Bob.

We left yesterday at 8:00 and went to Wal-Mart. He didn’t find anything he wanted, but I got 3 pairs of panties and one pair of pink sweatpants.

I also got a new cage for the mice, a couple of T-tubes, and a Snap-On feeder. The cage came with a Snap-On wheel, litter, food, treats, a care guide, and nibble sticks. I should’ve figured as much too, since the other cages came with similar stuff. The wheel, though, is about as bad as the one I used to have that Mary gave me. It scrapes and squeaks and doesn’t run smoothly at all. That’s OK, though, cuz it’s mainly for looks. Just to have another accessory and a place for them to hang out. I got one pink T-tube and one that’s reddish pink. The little house has the same purple bass and blue bottle, but this time, instead of a purple dish/burrow and orange door, I got an orange dish/burrow and a purple door. It’s so nice to have a door again with a clasp that isn’t broken and it’s nice to have two of these dishes/burrows. They absolutely love the different colored little nibble sticks, that’s for sure. The feeder, which is magenta like the wheel, is really cool. You fill the top of it with food and it slowly dispenses itself towards the bottom as they eat what’s there.

I realized afterward I forgot to look at puzzles, but I did get a really cool dog mug. The only reason I did is that its really cool pink/purple background caught my eye. It really stands out against the others with its bright colors and this one’s a poodle.

Then we went to the library where some stereotypical tall, anorexic-thin, blond model was getting a photoshoot done for reasons we don’t know.

Later…

Today and yesterday were beautiful days of near 80º. On the flip side, I’d think today was Saturday or Sunday if I didn’t know any better. All those fucking mother-fucking stereos! Imagine, though, how much worse it’d be with the stereo situation if I were still on Locust St. or Oswego St. Good God! I’ll bet they not only blast by a million times more than they do here, but many cars sit there while waiting to pick someone up, or while gabbing with someone on the street, all the while the damn bass is thumping.

At least the guard dogs don’t bark every other 5 minutes. Usually, that is. Sometimes they still do. I’m surprised that the kids that live there or are brought there for the daycare thing they do aren’t out on the monkey bars or playing ball every day in their backyard.

When I went outside earlier, I didn’t see Bunny right away. Then he popped up from his hole underground. It was so cute. Then he did something weird - he filled in this hole. I wonder why? Anyway, Tom says that now that he can dig “real” rabbit holes to where he can submerge his whole body, he can survive the summer heat. He knows this from when his family raised, slaughtered, and ate rabbits.

I got 9 different address labels with my address on them, plus a catalog from Colorful Images. God, they really want my business.

I should do some proofreading now, but instead, I shall go read my library book.

Later…

Believe me when I say I am in one foul mood, cuz that’s exactly what I am. I have the freeloaders to mainly thank for that and it’s really too bad that 99% of them can’t be like the sweet black girl that was the dentist’s assistant today. Most of them are nothing but sick, lazy, selfish, rude scum and if that’s being a bigot, then that’s exactly what I am. And I’m damn proud of it, too!

Now that he’s not blasting me out as much, they’re having their friends do it. They must’ve just found out I wasn’t served, cuz if I didn’t know any better, I’d swear it was the weekend. I don’t know how he came in today, cuz he came in before we returned, and there was some car parked on the street, too, in front of their house. Then the bitch and kid came in with some green car, according to Tom who peeked out, and the bass was totally obnoxious, so she obviously doesn’t have a problem with it after all. Then after trying so hard not to go over there and beat the snot out of them, which was so incredibly hard! I mean I never wanted to beat the shit out of them so bad! I was headed out the door, too, but then I said to myself - OK, I’ll keep my promise to Tom and not lay a hand on them, but I’m gonna make their lives hell. I’m not gonna just sit and take it anymore. Then another car went banging out, which Tom said was another car. I should’ve looked myself, cuz I wonder if it was really him that banged out. He’s always covered for him. Or tries to, anyway. And I could’ve sworn I heard him return, too, but with no music. On the other hand, his car was parked in the carport when we returned and that meant he was in for the night.

I’m so fucking sick of these people and I’m telling you, I’m not gonna take another two years of this shit! Oh, I am gonna kick the shit out of them, alright. Just as soon as we move I’m gonna come back and hurt them. Cuz if I don’t, I’m gonna live with this anger forever. Not kicking their asses will keep it bottled up forever, but I’ll tell you one thing for sure and that’s that I am gonna make one hell of a racket every night that I’m up. If these people are gonna be an everyday part of my life by force, I’ll force myself on them right back.

I banged like hell at the side of the house after Tom ran up to get me some wine coolers and him some soda, so I wouldn’t have to sit and listen to him tell me that I’m being just as bad as they are, cuz I don’t care!

And also, I’ve written my own letter to the city. I know it won’t do me any good, but I had to do something to get my anger out, so I don’t lose it, then get shot by one of their sick friends who are just as sick as they are. I wouldn’t put it past a sick freeloader like this to know gang members and have them shoot someone. So, I’ll come back one night when we move and they can’t find us. And they won’t be able to go to the post office and get a forwarding address for a buck for sure, cuz we’ll have a PO Box. There won’t be no mail carriers where we’re going. I’ll still kill them if there is, though, if only in my fantasies.

Meanwhile, I told the city in my letter to them that this has been a continual problem, there are several people coming and going with loud stereos, we contacted them before, and it helped a little bit at first, so please help take care of this problem once and for all, etc.

This isn’t exactly how I worded my letter, but it’s the basic idea of what I said in my 10-or-so-line letter.

Another thing that really gets to me is what if I wanted a kid as bad as I used to and what if I could conceive? There’s no way I would have a child here with these sick fucks at my side even if I could, and the reason it really gets to me is cuz I don’t like being controlled! Well, fortunately preventing me from getting pregnant is not something I have to pray for or work at. It’s a done deal and for once, I look forward to Tom dodging fertility people. If I’m ever gonna deal with that issue again, it’s not gonna be till after we’re out of here.

Meanwhile, I’m sure I’ll know it when they get in tomorrow, too, cuz I know this is gonna return to being an everyday thing. How am I gonna keep myself from beating them to bloody pulps when they wake me up?

MONDAY, MARCH 2, 1998
Thank God it’s Monday! In just two hours we’ll be going toy shopping for the mice, and to the library.

God answered my prayers to let me sleep late enough and throw my schedule around further, but it didn’t seem like he’d grant me this wish for a while.

Yesterday turned out to be a bit shitty. As far as we know, he came and went quietly. I saw him leave around noon. Then later, as we were talking in bed, this white car that visits on weekends with its music at a so-so volume came blaring in. We never heard this car leave, though, so that tells me once again that maybe she doesn’t like loud bass and that that’s his department and maybe she even left with these people.

Something did not want us to have fun, that’s for sure. This is the third weekend where it was rather painful when he entered me. Then came the sound effects - the bouncing ball. So we quit sex long before either of us could get off and I’m like - why? Why?! First it’s internal pain, now external. Meaning, with the waterbed, I had had a discomforting pressure feeling at times when we’d screw, but now it’s all irritation around the opening. Can God ever leave us alone sexually?! The part-time sex and his getting off very little is fine now, but must one of us deal with problems of pain/discomfort as well? Forget about the idea of me having sex with the same gender being a sin for me! It seems it’s a sin and I have to pay to have sex with anybody. So now I gotta deal with that too, and am putting hydrocortisone cream down there regularly. You tell me how one gets and stays irritated like that after they only screwed once a week for the last month or so. I know it’s just a reminder from God that he doesn’t agree with what I’m doing and as far as he’s concerned, my female parts are bad, dirty and abnormal, and he’s marking these things in ways to remind me of that and inflicting pain upon them.

No wonder it’s been peaceful as far as the cats go - White Feet apparently took off for a while. He’s the one that kicks the walls and jumps in the window for the most part. We think he’s a male and that Blackie’s a female. Blackie’s friendlier and less aggressive.

I just saw something really weird in the sky just as dawn was breaking. I guess it was a cloud, but the only difference was that this was the only cloud in the sky and it glowed and had pink, blue and other colors swirling through it. It was kind of pretty and definitely cool looking, so I shot a picture of it.

Anyway, it turns out that the basketball player was some little blond boy and he apparently wasn’t playing for long cuz he came in. At least we didn’t know he came in, though, till I looked out and saw him.

By then, at around 2 PM, I crashed and awoke at 10:40. About 6 hours earlier than I’d have liked to have gotten up seeing that my dentist appointment’s all the way at 4:15 on Tuesday. The toy shopping and library could be done early, though. So I upped and had a bagel and a Benadryl. At 11:15 I heard 15-20 car doors at least, but it wasn’t next door. After lying in bed and praying hard till just past midnight, I finally closed my eyes till just after 4:00. Thank God!

I’d still take those Mormons back, though, if I could. They were noisier in a sense, cuz their noise was more consistent with their dog/kids, but they didn’t make going to sleep stressful and they weren’t sick, selfish, psychotic fucks. So these new bassy stereos have upped my tolerance level for screaming kids. However, if one were in the house 24/7, then who knows? That’d probably be different and I’m sure I couldn’t handle it. Hell, I can’t even take care of my husband’s dick and he’s all grown up, so I don’t see how I could take care of a screaming, demanding, destructive child.

Tom now estimates our being out of here in 12-18 months. I hope he’s right and if he’s not, I hope he’s wrong in a way that his guess was late, but we’ll see.

I had some very weird dreams during my nap. You can’t hide very well in Massachusetts even at night in the woods when there’s snow on the ground. The woods are just tree trunks and twigs in the winter without the density of their leaves, and a white ground shows up better in the dark than a darker-colored ground. So, you can be seen many yards away as the snow glows and illuminates your form. In the dream, I was being chased by someone with a gun.

Then there was this professor. I was still single, still living in Massachusetts, and obviously taking college courses, too. I had apparently moved in with, or near Tammy, but Tammy didn’t live in Connecticut. I guess I had a thing for this professor, an older guy, and sensed he liked me too. It was later than usual, cuz he and I got to talking after class. He asked me where I was from. I told him I was from western Mass. now from eastern Mass. Guess Tammy lived near Boston. I then asked where he was from and he said France. I said I should’ve known this by his accent. He offered me a smoke. I said I quit. Then I asked him for a ride home since it was dark, snowy and cold out. I knew that I couldn’t count on the darkness to hide me cuz of the snow. Also cuz of oncoming car’s headlights. He said no to the ride request. Apparently, he was afraid I’d tell Tammy (I said I intended never to tell anyone, though) and use it to my advantage somehow. So then I expressed my fears about walking alone in the dark and how I’d be terrified every time a car passed (this walk was through the woods). He was telling me I’d be fine and how he liked that thing I brought in to show him, as a way of suggesting I take it with me. That “thing” was a stun gun, I think. So I frantically looked through a file cabinet to see where I’d put it, then threw on a ski vest, put my braid inside it, looked down at my black T-shirt, and commented on how I’d be freezing. Then we hugged and he told me he loved me and I told him I loved him, and that’s all I remember.

I’m printing out some journals for proofreading. I figured out a neat way to hide anything I don’t want Bob to read since I’ve decided to send him these sheets in a manila envelope at some point. I just count how many lines down the text is that I don’t want him to read (like jokes Kim and I would pull on him and how we’d share his letters with each other) and then I pull up a blank page on the computer, count out to those lines, then type x’s and print it out. So that way it’ll x-out what I don’t want him to read.

SUNDAY, MARCH 1, 1998
I slept just fine and got up at 10 PM, so there should be no problem with shopping and the library on Monday, and with my 4:00 teeth appointment on Tuesday.

Speaking of teeth, Tom wants me to have them give me laughing gas, even though he knows all I need is Novocain. I asked why the sudden change and desire for me to use the gas and said it was just cuz of how dental work makes him nervous. Then why didn’t he ask me to use the gas before? Anyway, I told him I’d tell the doctor to give it to me.

Typical Andy. I knew he wouldn’t get his money and drop off the journals last evening, but at least he didn’t keep me waiting 4 hours for a visit while I put off listening to music so I could hear the door, etc. He left a message saying he’d get it Wednesday afternoon whether or not I could be available. He also said he didn’t want to just leave me the two journals and that he wanted to add to my belated birthday present and buy other stuff.

I was almost right on when I said the freeloader would split again at 11:00. It happened at 11:20, actually, but I’d never have known it if I didn’t happen to be looking out the window to see if I could see who was mowing at the time, cuz that’s how much quieter even the door slamming has been. I’m thoroughly amazed that there’s been no music, but in time there will be. Old times have a way of returning with this fuck that’s as guaranteed as my shortness.

Now I just have to hope to hell that tomorrow’s as quiet. You never know around here.

Now for some good news before I get to more bad news. I’m just beginning to teeter just under the 125-pound marker, so it looks like the Slim-Fast diet plan and God are working just fine so far. As they say, though, I shouldn’t exceed losing more than two pounds a week. That can be bad for you and you’ll be more likely to put the weight back on too, after you lose it. So, if this keeps on working, we’re looking at my not hitting 100 pounds till June. I hope I don’t reach a plateau when I’m around 110-115 where I just can’t seem to budge my weight any further down, cuz that could happen and it’s not uncommon.

OK, the bad news now, and yes, I do blame God or at least something up there. This is a classic example, too, of what I mean by how fucking with fate can make things worse.

As I said before, Tom took Ma’s car to have its oil leak fixed. I thought to myself, Great. This way we can have more time together and get other things done, but nope, God’s just determined as all hell not to let him out of having to fix the car himself, cuz they did fix the oil leak, but in doing so, they fouled up 3 other things that Tom’s now got to fix. If Tom didn’t bring them the car to fix in the first place, he’d have just one thing to fix and not 3. See? It’s as if God’s saying, “You didn’t fix this yourself like I wanted you to, so now I’ll make matters even worse for you.” Anything to keep us away from each other a lot. It’s probably gonna be two weeks now before we can have some fun, cuz tomorrow will probably out. Next weekend will be spent moving Mom and with God acting like I’m fertile and that this isn’t the right time to have a kid (there’s never a right time for that what with how life’s one thing after another)! But that’s totally stupid. God can do anything. So why doesn’t he make sure he doesn’t cum if we screw at prime time, or ensure that no sperms meet the egg if it’s that important for him to control things?

Later…

I am without anything to read till Monday. Therefore, I’m trying to push myself to do my proofreading, but it ain’t easy.

The mice are starting to stink again, so I’ll clean their cages out when I get them their new toys, but at least it took a few days and not two minutes for them to start stinking up a storm again. I hope the store has all I want to get for them. Sometimes they’re not stocked up very well.

Another thing about my weight - well, it has to do with the subject of fate/vibes again. It’s just that I didn’t want to get my hopes up, so I didn’t want to mention it or put any real stock into it. Usually, when I can’t picture or feel something happening, like with a child, it doesn’t happen. When I was around 118 pounds, I knew I’d be in the 120s. I just felt it and could see it happening and it did. However, I couldn’t really feel/see the 130s and fortunately, I still can’t, but this may not necessarily mean I’ll lose the weight. Right now it “seems” that I will, but things aren’t always what they seem, either.

I trimmed my bangs earlier with the attachment that you hook to the vacuum. It sucks your hair up through the hose, then cuts it after you’ve set it at the amount you want to cut.

I don’t hear the cats as much tonight, which is nice. Maybe they figured they’d quit while they were ahead so they wouldn’t get starved again, which would be smart of them. I don’t know what it is they do to create the racket that they do against the wall, but I’d guess they kick at it. If they start up, though, no matter how much it pisses me off and distracts me, I’ll just take it and not give them the reaction they want. They want to get chased and they like to get chased. They don’t even mind it when I manage to be quick enough to take a little swat at them, either. I asked Tom if he still doesn’t want to get traps and he said he didn’t want the hassles or to take them where they’ll be killed. Well, what about the hassles for me? And I’m sorry if they get killed, but I shouldn’t have to deal with some pain in the ass stray cats, either. And the HS, if they can’t find someone to adopt them out, doesn’t beat them to death. They put them to sleep and they don’t feel a thing. Starving them won’t get rid of them. It only pisses them off into chasing Bunny when I go out to feed him. They won’t let him eat if I don’t feed them.

What? Does he really think we will have a kid and does he really want that and is therefore trying to get me used to distractions? Hell, I get it all the time from the other animals, so what’s the point? He’s always seemed to enjoy or not mind when I get distractions. It’s like he’s trying to make me get used to it and deal with it. I don’t like it when I feel he’s trying to force ways on me, be it instilling patience in me, controlling the sex and anything related to that, etc.

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Last updated June 17, 2024