December 1997 in 1990s

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 1997
Today’s been a fun and pretty active day.

I’ve been playing new games with the kittens. I go down into the pool and sneak up to the edges with an object that they try to catch. Also, I’ve been throwing balls around both down in the pool and up on the patio.

I got a kick out of Tom earlier, who got the back room looking nice again till he trashes it again. He said he wanted to show me how he and the bird play and how the bird bobs his head up and down along with him. The bird wasn’t bobbing his head in a game. The bird was scared shitless! I asked him, “That’s your game? Scaring the shit out of the bird that you think is really playing?”

It was pretty funny, though.

Tom trimmed 3 inches off my hair last night. It looks so much more even and much healthier. However, if it ends up uneven again - fine. I’m not gonna keep cutting it up to the crack of my ass like I just did. Different hair shafts grow faster than others and I suspect that my sides have pretty much had their growth stunted. They don’t move at all compared to the back.

According to Tom, our niece Pam, the one that’s a loser with the 3-year-old spoiled brat, may have ripped us off. All couples, except for us, got lamps. We have enough lamps, but still, if you have to rip off one of your own family members, that’s low. She probably chose us cuz we’re childless and therefore, she figures we’re not as needy as the others. She was said to have been seen leaving with a lot of stuff. Too much stuff. These are the types of scum God loves to impregnate!

Andy’s in crisis again. I swear, we’ve totally swapped lives. Now he’s got a lot of problems, rather than one or two issues. He called 3 times, but there was only one message from him. He said he really needed to talk, but wouldn’t get into what was wrong. I had gotten up, though, when he said he was due in at work. I left him a message. I’m sure it’s over someone ripping him off at work, at home (he’s got another druggie roommate, Laura’s male friend), his loneliness, or his wanting pot if he hasn’t smoked it already.

No therapy for him, unfortunately. He was looking forward to that, but they lied to him and told him he could get more free hours than he really could. See, he’s in the same predicament I am, in a sense. He can’t get what would “fix” his life, so to speak. What he wants/needs is love, and to be around clean, honest people. But he can’t have that love and I don’t think he wants to be around clean people. Even he admitted to me that he’s attracted to druggies, but now that he’s cleaned up, maybe he’ll feel differently. And maybe he’ll attract clean people easier, too, cuz clean people typically want other clean people.

Anyway, since he can’t get what he really wants, he goes for the next best thing; he wants me to be there for him by phone for an hour or more every day, and that just can’t be, but whatever’s going on with him, I hope it isn’t too bad. I hope he’s not really miserable or anything like that.

So far, it appears this New Year’s Eve is to be a freeloader-free one. Now I’m back to thinking that maybe there hasn’t been someone over there every day, cuz last night there were no lights on. There are no lights on over there now, either, but earlier, the father stopped over for a bit. At least that’s who we think it was. The car’s still in the same spot. Right now, it’s so peaceful out as far as dogs go, but not by the end of the weekend. By the time the weekend’s out, the dog and the assholes will be back and the early evening hours will be filled with that fucking beast’s barking. Well if it is, the wee hours of the nights that I’m up, will be filled with all kinds of racket on my part! It’s a two-way street around here from now on.

I typed up and sealed in an envelope that we won’t open till next year at this time, my predictions for 1998. It’s basically gonna be a still year. I don’t know if I’ll return to smoking or if the freeloaders will be gone that year for sure, but here’s what I do know: neither of us will go to a doctor in regard to our sex lives and my sterility. The sex will be basically the same. I think that we’ll both be used to and OK with having sex in spurts, and with him cumming on the average of every two weeks to two months. I know how he really feels about a kid, but I see this as being a year where I really learn to live with and accept having no child and to even focus on its pros.

I see that we’ll still be living here and that Tom will still be at the bank. His mother will live through this year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 1997
Last night really sucked. I was really depressed. Tom reminded me that millions of other women can’t have kids and that they just live with it. And also, not getting pregnant for years, for those who can, isn’t uncommon. True. Or else people’s kids wouldn’t be so spaced out, but instead, there are usually years between siblings. You only have 12 days you’re fertile unless you’re like me and have some problem, out of a 365-day year. So, unless a guy can/will cum several days in a row around the right time, getting pregnant will take years. People don’t usually have sex consistently on a daily basis, so hitting that right 24-hour period in a whole month’s time, isn’t so likely.

Tom said that he was sorry if he seemed hard on me. Then he wanted sympathy for his hurt toe (didn’t I say something always hurts him?) and I told him to try having sympathy for a woman who can’t have a child. He said he does, it tears him up inside, if he could change it he would, etc. Yeah well, he can’t change it. If I’m right, something’s wrong/deformed within my uterus, and there’s nothing he or any specialist can do. God made sure of that. I just have to trust that God isn’t just trying to punish me and inflict pain upon me by denying me a child and that he did the right thing. After all, I’d have only been an incompetent, abusive mother, supposedly. I must put my foot down once and for all and just live with my sterility and quit trying to change/control my weight, our sex lives, etc. I have to just accept the fact that I tried, but I can’t lose weight, can’t change our sex lives, can’t change my sterility, and that I’m just wasting my time if I try to fight it. This guy will hardly cum. I’m sterile. I must let things be however they’re gonna be. That’s all I can do anyway. I don’t want to have such a hard, miserable life and another 4 years or more dwelling on how I can never have a kid. I can’t help my feelings, but at the same time, I’ve got to turn my feelings off any way I can so I can go on living. I want to live in peace, not feeling a gap in my life for as long as I live. All my life, there’s always been some issue that eats at me for years. Yeah? Well, no more!!

Later…

My opinions about what’s going on next door have fluctuated, but right now, I’d say they can’t be that afraid, cuz it looks like they’re trying to catch a certain person that sent them some “hate mail.” It seems that they’re trying to make it seem that the house is empty, but they’re doing a bad job of it. I’d say, though, that the car, that’s been sitting in the same spot for days now, is bait, and due to the fact that he’s obviously some kind of car dealer, he can use other cars. That’s probably why he was in that white thing. She strikes me as the type to get pissed off at such mail and eager to stay around and catch whoever’s behind it, rather than the type to run scared. But then why’d she call the cops? Maybe the cops had nothing to do with the letter after all but had something to do with him, cuz he definitely hasn’t been here every day like the bitch has.

Even though I have a million reasons to hate God, I thank him for this second temporary absence of the dog. If it were over there now, it’d be obnoxious at this hour, but cuz it’s not, all’s peaceful. I shall enjoy it while it lasts, but hey, they’ll be hearing me, too.

Now Tom’s not sure if this bird’s a she. He says that Tweety may be a he, but who really cares either way?

I had to stop taking the Dexatrim, cuz after just 3 hours of sleep I’d wake up, then have a hard time falling back to sleep. It was also making me a bit more nervous/moody. It said that this could happen, too. Also, I cut my food intake in half, if not more, only to gain two goddamn pounds. Something up there does not want me to lose weight. Fuck it, like I said. I give up on everything - the weight, the sleeping with him (he’ll just have to sleep on the couch if he’s sleeping when I am), the sex and the kid. I have no choice anyway, cuz God made those choices for me.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29, 1997
How smooth of him. I tell him we can have fun anytime, as long as he doesn’t play his mid-cycle games cuz he’s a scaredy-cat who also loves to tease, and he says he doesn’t want the pressure of having to count days and look on calendars to see if he’d be “risking it.” In other words, he says he doesn’t want to make sure he knows when I’m mid-cycle, then have to be paranoid about my blaming him if the sex “doesn’t work out.” So, he’s trying to cover himself. However, if he’d just admit his fears, instead of making sure he doesn’t get in there, we’d have no problem. We live together. I can’t hide when I get my period, and therefore, I can’t hide when I’m mid-cycle. The guy’s not stupid, either. For the first couple of years, he avoided me during mid-cycle, but now, it seems he’ll do anything to lure me into sex during those times, cuz I really believe he does enjoy teasing me, but at the same time he’s scared to deal with the responsibility of my either losing a child or having one. It’s like he has no empathy or compassion for what I’m going through. Then again, how could any man or woman that’s had kids, even begin to understand my situation? I thought it might be best if I made up excuses where we couldn’t have sex during those times, but then I’d be just as guilty as he is of not coming totally clean, even though I know I can’t ever conceive. Who knows? Maybe this fear of my conceiving he’s got really is a subconscious thing for him and he doesn’t know it.

We did have a good time shopping together. I kind of regret going to the mall, though, cuz it was almost like a Friday night there! It was mobbed with people looking for after-Christmas deals and kids on vacation.

Tom got what was his Christmas present from me that he’s been looking for. It’s a hair-cutting thing. You hook it to a vacuum and it sucks up the hair and cuts the amount that you set it to cut. Tom really likes it. Speaking of hair things, he said I should try the hair removal system again and that it’s now in stores everywhere, so it can’t be that much of a rip-off. Well, it is. It’s total bullshit.

We also got a new colorful comforter with pastel colors mostly and a matching sheet set.

At Office Max, I got fluorescent multi-colored computer paper, and a small notepad of fluorescent multi-colored paper, a cactus mouse pad, and a box of a dozen of my favorite pens. They didn’t have purple in stock, so I got blue.

Boy, this bird is pretty animated tonight. Not with chirping. She chirps very little. But I guess she’s filing her beak now.

Andy has a therapy appointment today, so I’m sure he’ll leave me 2-3 full messages about it. I do want to hear about it, but not for that long!

What the fuck was that? Was that the black bitch yelling? Anyway, I don’t know what the fuck’s up with them. Yes, it does seem that no one’s moved the gray car he’s been driving, but then where is he? Why’s he driving the white car (if it’s really him driving it)? Why would you move out, get a different car, and leave your old one where you moved from? That is if he did move out. He couldn’t have gone too far, cuz he’s been showing up at least every few days. I’m sure he, his dog, and his music will be back to stay anytime from now till the 1st. Tom said he doubts New Year’s Eve will be rocking over there, but wouldn’t be surprised if there was activity over there on New Year’s Day. If he’s in the picture there will be. Anyhow, I think that at least the bitch has been there. Tom said that last night every single light was on, then they were off later at night. So, I don’t know if they’re scared of the letter or if the cops had anything to do with the letter or what. I’ve heard weird sounds like they could be moving/packing sounds, but right now, I’d say that she’s not going anywhere and that loverboy and doggie shall return any second. Maybe his not moving that car is a plant. They could know that they don’t have enough evidence to take me to court, and are using the white one while they hope to maybe catch me on tape doing something to the gray one. Who knows? All I know is that if they’re a problem with noise, I’ll be a problem with noise and more if I don’t beat their asses.

Drinking those wine coolers really makes me relax. In fact, they make me sort of drowsy, so maybe they’ll help me sleep when I can’t, and even get on schedule when I need to or want to. The Benadryl helps, too.

Andy says I’m swapping one addiction for another. First of all, I don’t see how 1-2 little bottles a day could hook me. And even if it did - better to be hooked on that than hooked on cigarettes. Especially when you’ve got asthma. And someone with no job, no kids, and who doesn’t drive, doesn’t need to worry as much. Lastly, if I can quit smoking, I can quit anything.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 1997
I finally got a hold of Paula, but I will never ever talk to her again with that kid there. First, she interrupts me a million times to scream and threaten it, then she puts me on hold forever, but I just hung up at that point. She’s such a ditz!

I’m in a rather numb kind of mood right now. Destiny struck today and if he’d just get off from the 9th to the 12th, I could show him I really am sterile, but he just won’t do that! He’s just too scared and too determined to fight me with this issue. I told him this and he said, “Then let’s go for it.” Yeah, right! You know how many times he’s said that and got cold feet and just had to play games instead? I told him I know he won’t go for it. I know he’s too scared. In fact, I’m just not gonna bother to go near him when I’m mid-cycle. That way I don’t have to worry about him doing something he’s terrified of and would rather not do, and I don’t have to play his games with him. He’s only gonna be struck with sudden amnesia and “forget” how to get in there. He won’t even go inside me then, and he’ll just make up some lame excuse for why he didn’t, like the angle or something like that (after mid-cycle and on up to now, he’s had no problems getting in there).

I had said that maybe it’d be best to go to a doctor just to prove my point to Tom about the sterility, so we’d have one less thing to disagree on, but you know what? I am so fucking sick and tired of trying to be normal. First, it was being dragged to Boston to make me a normal ear, then it was me trying to be a normal child who was accepted and loved, not betrayed and rejected, and now I’m supposed to see a doctor to inquire about a normal reproductive system? I don’t fucking think so!

I’m just so fucking sick of trying for what’s supposed to come naturally and be normal. If I can’t sleep with my husband, fine, cuz I’m not gonna keep trying. We just won’t sleep together. And I’m not gonna “try” to get pregnant. First off, I can’t get pregnant. And secondly, I shouldn’t have to belittle myself by having to “try” for something like that.

Tom said he was disappointed with how December went. Well, he doesn’t show it, I told him. He said he doesn’t show his emotions like I do. Oh. OK. Then I had a moment where I must’ve lost my mind, cuz I thought that the only way for me to get up the guts to defy God and see a doctor I shouldn’t be seeing, would be by Tom’s strength like it was his strength that got me through the ear surgery and the not smoking, but what for? Just to be told what I already know - that I can’t have a child? Just for him to fight the doctors along the way and maybe even put a guilt trip on me about the whole thing? He don’t want to cum regularly. He don’t want sex full-time. He don’t want no kid. And God’s totally on his side.

As for the cigarettes, oh I miss them so much! I don’t know if I can go much longer without smoking. I am getting so much closer to breaking down and going back to smoking. I even had Tom get me a wine cooler to relax me yesterday (I’ve completed the 12 weeks of the gum).

Later…

I just freaked out a bit and had Tom get me some more of that berry-flavored wine cooler. I almost had him get me cigarettes. I mean, why should it be so important for me to breathe well? Why should I worry about disappointing him when he’s let me down, too? Anyway, I decided I’d get something that’d relax me, rather than something that’d make it hard for me to breathe. I could get used to a few glasses of wine a day. Better that than cigarettes, I guess. Especially when you have asthma.

In Freeloader news, it looks like no one’s been staying there regularly. The dog’s still not there, but his car has been parked deep in the carport and has appeared not to be moved as if he hasn’t been around. The reason Tom thinks he isn’t around is cuz of how deep he parked in the carport, which is pretty inconvenient. Well, he’s afraid for that car. He probably felt better with it more hidden and like he stood a better chance of boxing in and catching anyone that may fuck with it.

I was just beginning to wonder if he wasn’t arrested shortly after the pigs showed up over there, or if he wasn’t out of state, but he just came in in a white car of some kind that we’ve never seen before. I didn’t see anyone clearly, but who else could it be? Why he’s not driving his car, beats me, but it appears that at least two people came in to put the recycle bin out. Something you wouldn’t do at 1 PM unless you’re not staying there, as Tom pointed out. Well, they can’t be staying that far out of town to be able to come in at least every other day like what seems to be the case, so is this and the fact that the dog and patio toys are gone mean they’re moving? Cuz I don’t see how this can have anything to do with the holidays at this point. Christmas is over. They moved in slowly, so maybe they’re moving out slowly, but I won’t get my hopes up too high. It does, though, seem like they’re running from something that’s scared the shit out of them!

I began taking Dexatrim, which will hopefully be an even more effective appetite suppressant, that’ll allow me to lose weight. I’m currently at 116, so, we’ll see where it goes from here.

We went to a hardware store this morning to pick out what we like for a new cabinet/sink for the bathroom. We’re both sick of this ugly old sink that has no cabinets.

I got a couple of little cactuses, too, but don’t know where I’m gonna plant them yet. It seems that Bunny’s taken to destroying my cactuses.

Lastly, we went to a pet store and got two more little wheels for the mice, mice food, and a nice blue birdcage and a loop stand for it. He matches his cage well, but Tom says he’s a she. From what research he’s done, it’s a she over 6 months old. Whatever.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27, 1997
I think the dog’s back. Yeah, I knew it’d be just a matter of time before he, his dog, and his music were back. He and the music haven’t returned yet, but there’s this white car I just saw and I think this is the car that’s been taking and bringing the dog. I had thought they were using trucks and thought I had heard one of those big ones that beep as you back it up and bring the dog back the last time, but maybe not.

I had wondered if his not being around much lately was cuz of the letter, but no way. First, it’s too long after the letter was sent and second, I still don’t think they contacted them. I think they’re just having a temporary spat or that he’s out of town visiting family, but he’ll be back any second. I wish I could say that that was his dog and that she never liked or wanted a dog and that they had such a bad fight that if they end up together again, it’ll be after we’ve moved.

Tweety’s uttered a few chirps, but for the most part, he’s still silent and shy.

Later…

The white car’s gone, but I don’t know yet if the dog’s back for sure. I will at sundown if it is.

Lisa and I had a quick talk and she told me something I wasn’t the least bit surprised to hear. I feel so bad for those girls. They’ve got their mother abusing them mentally and their father abusing them physically. Lisa said she’s glad Bill’s gone and hopes he and Tammy get divorced. I hope so, too. Neither of them should’ve been parents, but since God insists that almost all kids must have at least one bad parent, I hope Bill’s out of the picture for good. I’d kick his ass if I could have a few minutes with the bastard. People like him have got to go. And what about Tammy? Doesn’t she have any self-respect not to associate with anyone who could be violent to her or her kids? Doesn’t she care about the kid’s safety? For once, God gave the right person cancer. Only problem is that he forgot to kill him.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 1997
I guess that Jackie, Jim, Nora and Ray thought that 1 guinea pig, 1 rabbit, 3 cats, 16 mice and 30 pigeons weren’t enough, cuz we got a parakeet! David dropped him off yesterday. He’s blue, his wings are clipped, and I’ve been calling him Tweety. I may be a rodent expert, but I don’t know squat about parakeets. I tried looking them up on AOL and didn’t get shit, cuz they were giving me all kinds of different birds and mumbo jumbo. I think their lifespan is about 3-5 years. I’ll call a pet store and ask if I have to. Tom says they’re easy to care for. I don’t know just how noisy he is yet, cuz he hasn’t been here yet in the daytime and I know they’re “dayturnal.” He’s so little compared to the pigeons. The cage he’s in is OK, but I may get this cute little pink cage on a stand that I saw when we were in the pet store. In his cage, he’s got a couple of perches, seed, water, and sandpaper to file his beak down with. Guess their beaks keep growing like rodents’ teeth do. That’s why rodents chew everything they can.

David also had a dress for me that Jackie’s too big for.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 25, 1997
Tom told me some big news on next door. As soon as he told me the police were there, I automatically figured it was over my prank letter. But then he told me they were there at 11:30 when he was on his way to work Tuesday night. Why would she call that late over a letter if that’s what it was about? Could she have gotten in late? Why would anyone call the police over a letter? They can’t do anything about that, especially that late, but maybe she didn’t know that if that’s what that was about.

It could also be that she and Loverboy had a spat, but according to Tom, his car wasn’t even there. Maybe they fought, then he took off before the cops arrived.

Yesterday, when we were driving in, we saw his car there. This was around noon. Tom said maybe she doesn’t know he’s there and that’s why he came over at that hour. When he knew she’d be out. Well, she knew he was there later, though. I haven’t heard any dog or music, but I peeked out and saw his car out front when I heard a voice. She sounded as pissed as she usually sounds when I hear her talking, but as old as these single-paned windows are, as close as they are, and as loud as she talks, I couldn’t make out this bitch’s words. All I know is that she spoke to him for a few minutes, then he left, and if there’s a car there now, it’s deep in the carport where I can’t see it by peering out the front.

Yesterday we went to the library, where I picked up 3 books, then we went to see Ma over at Mary’s. Unfortunately, Ma looked weak, tired, and she was very shaky. It was still nice to see her, of course, but Mary and Dave were at work.

Ma got her room there all set up with Tom’s old bed. They painted the walls pale green.

We got our presents from Ma and Mary/Dave, but Tom will have to go over to pick up our gifts from the others at some point this week. Ma said she’d bring them back to the house for us.

Anyway, Tom got a fire extinguisher, a T-shirt (like he needs any more of those as cute as this one was), and a really cool pudding pie kit. There are 4 boxes of pudding and two pie crusts.

I got a big box of microwave popcorn. There must be 15 bags. A puzzle that’s two puzzles in one, so when I finish it, I’ll have to flip it over so I can see the mystery puzzle on the back. And lastly, another cat journal, but if I had to get a duplicate, at least it’s a nice one to be duplicated.

Tom’s gonna make copies of a tape he made of a Christmas get-together from when he was about 12.

Later…

Today’s been a fun and relaxing day so far. It’s a good thing I’ve only got a few days till I begin dieting, cuz I’m gonna need to! At 119 pounds, it’s time to try to change fate here, but I accept that there’s always the possibility that I won’t be able to.

We screwed early in the morning and as I figured, no problems getting inside. I’m due for my period any second now.

We mostly spent the day reading. I wrote, listened to music, and worked on my puzzle, too.

Bunny, the cats, Measles, and other birds are outside. I fed them, the pig and mice.

The doorbell rang at noon. I didn’t think it was Miss Bitch in regard to the letter on Christmas Day and a few days after getting the damn thing, and it wasn’t. It was David. He stopped to give us our gifts from them and from Carol and Steven, as they were on their way to Jackie and Jim’s.

We got a star with a face in it that you hang, and a decorative birdcage with a bird in it on a perch. It’s small, at only a few inches square.

Tom’s napping now till I get him up at 5:00. He has to go in to work tonight. He had last night off, though.

It’s been quiet around here. The assholes haven’t been home, I don’t think, cuz I haven’t heard anything. No kids have been out to use the basketball hoop. It’s pretty chilly out there, although I don’t think kids would care.

I forgot to mention that the toys that have been on their front patio for ages next door are gone. Tom said that maybe she reported a prowler that night and took the toys in. I doubt it. The more I think about it, the more I think this calling the cops and taking the toys in, has to do with my letter. On the other hand, I didn’t think she’d get scared enough to call cops and pull in toys. Mad, yes, but scared, I didn’t think so.

I’m utterly amazed that the dog hasn’t been there and again I wonder why. Well, if they gave the dog up for any reason, although I doubt that and am sure it’ll be back, I wonder if she’ll get another dog if she’s this scared over the letter?

Anyhow, the library book I got is so good, so I want to get back to it. Will write more later.

Later…

A little while ago I heard music and was thinking that they figure it’s me behind the letter, so they’re blasting me out. Along with God’s punishment to me and him letting me know a “change” is due and the dog will be back soon enough. Then when I didn’t see any car pull in, I realized it could very well be some car across the street. Lots of houses across the street have lots of cars parked in front. And also, it’s too quiet over there. If they had pulled in, they’d be out playing ball, talking, barbecuing, whatever. I know these people don’t like colder weather, but they would on my behalf. Well, Tom will let me know if there’s a car there when he leaves for work in a few hours. But just in case someone is over there, I don’t want to be seen spying after that letter. That could freak her out into doing something crazy, like shooting at the house.

At this point I really wonder - are these people ever gonna move? Or am I stuck with them till we move?

Later…

Awesome! Oh, how totally awesome! From out back I can see a basketball hoop in the yard where the guard dogs live two houses down. I’m so glad it’s there and not out front and I hope to hell it stays there! This way I shouldn’t hear it like I’d hear it out front cuz the ball’s gonna bounce onto the grass. I’m amazed that they didn’t put it out front, but I won’t complain! Just please God, let them keep it there! This should also deter them from using next door’s hoop, although if God really wants to replace them with other kids, he can and will.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 1997
I slept forever last night! And of course, I woke up at the exact same weight I went to bed at. I just have no metabolism whatsoever. I just ate a TV dinner and naturally, I’m still starving, feeling as if I didn’t eat a thing. Most of the time, waking up is hard cuz I wake up so damn hungry, that I almost feel sick. I guess my body’s making up for all those years I ate like a bird and would be full for hours after just a few bites and it’s gonna be so hard to stick to my New Year’s resolution! I’m gonna be so hungry! And on top of severe hunger pains, I have to exercise like hell, but at least I can breathe.

Later…

I guess no one came to the door after all, regarding a certain letter. Of course, I still don’t know if anyone was over there yesterday to get it in the first place.

Tom will be in any minute now and later this morning, we’ll be going to see Mom who’s over at Mary’s. We’ll be bringing the Christmas gifts and they’ll bring them to Jackie and Jim’s. That’s where they’re doing Christmas this year.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 1997
That we know of, no car’s been next door since it left on Sunday. However, at least the bitch has been there, cuz Tom said that there were lights on over there when he left in the evening to go to work on Sunday, and they were off when he came in the next morning. Maybe that’s why I could’ve sworn I heard a car door early yesterday morning. It was the bitch’s ride.

It seems perfectly logical to say that the absence of both him and the dog is due to the holidays, but it still makes no sense to take the dog with him (assuming he’s the one out of town). Why not have her or someone they know come to feed the dog? And if he went somewhere to visit family, why didn’t she go too? Maybe she has to work, or maybe they did break up, but I doubt that. I’m sure he and the dog will be back before the New Year. And with him in the picture, I hate to see how New Year’s Eve is gonna be around here. I think I’ll be asleep for New Year’s Eve, though. That is until the fireworks throughout the city wake me.

Today the bitch will get her letter and I know damn well she’ll come knocking on the door about it, so I won’t even bother to answer. On the other hand, maybe I should, cuz that’d be my excuse to pop her. I just hope she doesn’t take me to court and that God will get me for it in other ways (as if a life without a child isn’t enough). If she does, though, that’ll be fine cuz what happened when Stacey and the butch took me to court will happen - nothing.

Tom did an excellent job with molding roses. He didn’t get powder stuck in his molds, either, like I did.

Kim left a message just wanting to wish me a happy Chanukah and to say hi.

Ma emailed me saying they got their gift and loved it and that they’ll be lighting the first Chanukah candle tonight and hopes I will, too. Jewish holidays always begin at sundown on the previous day. I told Tom I thought it’d be a silly waste of time lighting candles, but he says it’s fun, so it won’t hurt me to do it.

Later…

I’m waiting for my TV dinner, so I won’t say much at this point. Just that I’m still torn between doing nothing about the fact that I can’t have a kid, and going to a doctor and hearing it from an expert. It’s just that I got to thinking about how Tammy said she and Bill always disagree. Well, if Tom heard it from an expert that I was sterile since he doesn’t want to find that out the old-fashioned way, then that’ll be one less thing for us to argue about. Also, I couldn’t claim he was too scared to prove me right or wrong about the sterility if a doctor verified I couldn’t conceive for sure.

On the other hand, I know the truth. Therefore, it shouldn’t matter what he thinks or does.

Later…

I just talked to Kim. The temperature there wasn’t too bad when we spoke, but it was in the process of snowing!

I’ve been trying to reach Paula for a few weeks, but there’s never an answer there. Her phone still exists and I’ve been leaving messages, but who knows what’s up with her?

I wish I could make myself invisible, as well as anywhere I wanted to be at the snap of my fingers. If I could do that, I’d be silently laughing in the corner of their living room next door while they read my letter. If only I could be there to see their reaction.

I can picture her being too pissed off to read it through right away. She may need time to get through a letter like this. I can also picture her stomping up and down and yelling, “It’s her next door! I just know it is!”

As for him, he’d probably calmly read it out loud, in the midst of her screaming, with a baffled expression. It won’t piss him off, though. Not like it’ll piss her off. I know this won’t scare them, but that’s OK, cuz I wanted to piss them off more. Just like they pissed me off. He’ll be pissed and confused. She’ll be pissed. Real pissed!

Anne and Harry - another one that says they’ll write and send pictures, but then doesn’t. It was around this time last year that Ma (Anne) told me she’d send pictures and a letter, but I never got it. Anyway, I sent them a letter. I hope I hear from them this time, but I won’t count on it. At least I know that they’ll read my letter and enjoy hearing from me.

10 AM

I went to call Tammy, but there was no answer. Then I called Larry’s house. No answer. Then I called Larry’s work and was told he’d gone to Florida. So I called my folks. Mom and Dad were there, but Larry, Sandy, and Jen had just left to go shopping.

I wished my folks a Happy Chanukah and told them to tell that to the others, too. Dad said it was hot and humid. I wish it was warm here, but he can have the humidity.

So what are they doing down there, anyway? I thought Larry had basically decided to just stick to occasional phone calls with them, but nothing more since he wasn’t too happy with them. I also thought the trip to Florida would bring back hurtful memories since he and Larry traveled those roads a lot. And lastly, I thought Sandy couldn’t stand Ma.

Well, hopefully, they’ll enjoy their vacation there.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 22, 1997
It’s a cold, damp, rainy night, as I write this. It rained all day yesterday and it’s still at it. There was really loud thunder just as I was drifting off to sleep.

Tom and I figured that next door and their dog had to be gone somewhere for the holidays. I was all set to enjoy the peace till their return, but when I got up at 11 PM and looked outside, I saw that the car wasn’t there where I could see it. So, it’s back to the dog and having to listen to the music till I get so fed up again that I wish I could pummel the shit out of Blackie.

Yesterday was a great day and if there was ever a day to be thankful to God for my gift of having a built-in birth control system, it was yesterday. It was fun, different, and a day we could never have had if there had been a kid in the picture. Yeah, I can accept how I am and yeah, I’d say having no kid suits me well after all.

We went at 7 AM to K-Mart’s and spent nearly $300. Most of it was stuff we got for us. He only got an indoor TV antenna that I can remember, but I got lots of things.

We got another box fan, which is a little louder than the last one we got, so now each room has a fan.

For clothes, I got 6 pairs of white socks, a pink satin nightie with spaghetti straps, and a velvety, leopard print short/shirt set. It’s actually something you wear more around the house. The shorts are very short and the top is a tank top.

Got a new laundry basket, too.

I got almost 1000 cute little stickers to decorate my written journals and envelopes, and I gave a few of the holiday ones to Nickolena, Jennifer (Pam’s kid), and Jen (Larry’s kid). I also got those mini stampers that stamp things like palm trees, lips, arrows, paws, etc., each in a different color.

Got two puzzles and another set of 4 curved tubes.

Got 6 very nice journals that are the best I’ve gotten yet at such a bargain price.

Lastly, unless I’m forgetting anything else, I got a high-tech straightening iron. This one’s got a mist in it so as not to be so damaging to the hair as the dry heat is. It also has a comb that you can use if you want to.

For the family, our main theme ended up being lights and puzzles. The younger kids basically got puzzles, the older ones got computer stuff, and the adults mainly got motion sensors with lights and stuff like that.

Later…

I’m keeping my ears peeled now and we’ll see if the shithead comes in for lunch or not. Tom said the car was gone when he left for work at 7:30 last night, and it was gone at 11:00 when I checked, and when he got in at 4:30. So his car didn’t stay there overnight, and I still haven’t heard the dog. Give it time, though. The beast and the music will return. God, this is the longest I’ve had the same asshole neighbors! Well, these assholes are gonna get some lovely mail.

Speaking of assholes, well, that’s Bill for you, and I always said I didn’t like him. Tammy left a message, so I called and asked what was wrong and she told me she and Bill are separated. She said she wasn’t ready to get into it, but it’s basically about his cheating and cutting her down, I guess. She said something about having no freedom in her own home, being made to feel worthless, having not been happy for years, his not being at Lisa’s concert, and the fact that they just never agree (I know that Tammy’s not easy to live with or get along with, either). She said that if she says it’s rainy, he says it’s sunny. I’m both surprised and not surprised that they’re separated. I’m not surprised, cuz most relationships end or have serious troubles. I am surprised since it took 11 years. I thought that since they were together that long, they’d stick it out forever. If there’s any good in being different and of unique qualities like I am, it’s knowing that our marriage won’t fail (cuz it’s the norm for most of them to fail).

So, Bill’s at his parents’ house. They’re now at their house in Florida.

Anyway, I let Tammy know that I’m there for her if she needs to talk. I sent her a note that’ll hopefully cheer her up.

Ma sent home with Tom some really beautiful hand-painted plates. There are two bowls with roses, two floral plates, and one seashell-type plate. I can’t remember the name of it. Anyway, we’ll probably get some plate hangers for them.

I molded a couple of bunnies with that clay and baked them. Tom said they came out great for my first time, but they need work as far as I’m concerned. This clay is hard, so you really have to knead it to soften it up. We had no talcum powder to dust the molds with to make pulling the clay out of it easier, so I used pussy powder. A medicated powder that freshens you up down there when you’re ragging.

It’s a ghost town in the mice’s cages now since they’re more nocturnal. Most of them are now asleep in various burrows.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 21, 1997
Yesterday, Tom said he wondered if the car moved at all from next door on Friday. I hope it sits there all weekend and blocks the basketball hoop, I told him. Well, I did sleep just fine yesterday and got up while he was still asleep, so I’ll have to ask him if he heard their dog or if he heard or saw the car leave. It’s out there now, though. I had had an intermittent vibe about some change taking place around this time. It is weird that suddenly the dog appears to be gone and the car just sits there. Maybe the dog attacked him, so they shot it, and he’s in the hospital. Don’t I wish! I just wish they’d move the fuck on and get out of here.

I was up for a little while before I’d completed my sleep, actually. I got up to pee and saw that there were two packages from Kim, and I knew I couldn’t go back to sleep without seeing what was in them first. One had two little house mouse pictures. Fittingly, I put them in back of the mice’s aquarium. There was also a 3-D picture in a glass frame (the glass broke, but I won’t tell her that), and vanilla-scented lotion. This was really nice of her to send and I shall thank her right away, of course.

Later…

I’m amazed that Andy hasn’t called yet.

See? My husband really can be such a liar and a procrastinator. He promised he’d tackle the back room this weekend, but he has yet to touch it. I thought my not smoking was supposed to motivate him. Or was that just another one of his lies to get me to do something he wants?

When Tom was picking up Christmas gifts for his family yesterday, he got a little cordless pump. We were able to drain the last few inches of water that was left in the pool and Jacuzzi.

He also got a couple of push molds. One’s of roses and leaves, one’s of bunnies. He also got pink and green clay. However, I can’t do much with these now, cuz we need talcum powder to dust the molds with so that they don’t stick. These are very small molds, but they’re cute.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 20, 1997
Maybe Tom really can count my cycle better than I can. At least for this month. He says I’m due for my period on the 28th. I had thought it was due on Christmas, but I sure as hell don’t feel like my period’s just 5 days away. And also, what luck with the tits! For the last several months, my tits were murderous after just 1-2 weeks after my period, but this month they’re virtually free of soreness. I wonder why?

Watch - if we screw this weekend, Tom will have no problem at least getting in there, since he knows it’s the wrong time for a fertile woman to catch anything. Well, he’s not gonna be the only liar in this household from now on. He’ll say he wants the kid he doesn’t want. Meanwhile, I’ll be saying I don’t want the kid I do want. Maybe that’ll be the only way to get him to curb his games and for me to deal with it and avoid another 4 years of this bullshit.

I liked the form that Bob enclosed in his letter to me today that says: Every day of my life I’m forced to add another name to the list of people who just piss me the fuck off! Then there is a cartoon character looking angry and numbers 1-5 with lines next to them for that list. I think this ought to go to the freeloaders, along with their letter.

My schedule is about the worst it can be for a weekend with the people that live around here. Between all the door slamming and probable ball games that’ll occur, who knows just how peacefully I’ll sleep?

I still haven’t heard the dog and he’s still parking in front of the carport like he does in the winters. If the dog’s still there, and I don’t see how it couldn’t be there, I’ll know it by the next time I go to bed for sure, which will be around noon. I’m sure it’s just cuz of my schedule, that’s the reason why I haven’t heard it. The music would be more of a problem than it has been (at least that I’ve been aware of) if the dog were gone. And of course, you never know if Tom’s been leveling with me as far as what he may have heard.

Maybe he didn’t leave at 7 AM yesterday after all. His car was there when I looked at 8:30, all the way till I crashed, which was close to noon.

Later…

Now I really, really wonder if the dog’s gone. It seems to be gone, cuz it’s just been too quiet. No early evening fits. No breakfast time fits. On weekends I’d hear it more cuz the assholes are home more then.

If the dog’s gone - why? I really wonder. Why?

We screwed earlier and yup - no problem getting in there. No problem getting in on the side, no problem getting in up top. We really ought to screw more often before and after my period.

Tom brought up an interesting possibility. Could the dramatic decrease in nicotine be why my tits are less sore? I never heard anything about nicotine causing tit soreness. Only caffeine and pregnancy, but I’ll never have to worry about that one now, will I?

I was laughing my ass off at the thought of a certain Christmas gift for his family, not that we’d ever get any such thing. My family would’ve gotten a kick out of it, though. I’m talking about puke. Fake puke made out of a rubbery plastic. My folks, Larry, Tammy, Nana, Pa, and I, were once fooling around with a piece of puke like that one Chanukah night when I was around 8 years old.

I remember a glass of wine you couldn’t drink from, too. The liquid was inside the bottom and sides of the glass.

Tom told me the fly in the ice cube was popular when he was about that age (right around when I was born), but I’ve never heard of it.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 17, 1997
I really wonder now, if the dog’s not gone from next door. This is due to how he’s parked his car in front of the carport for the last few days, and the fact that I’ve heard no barking. Tom said he heard “soft whimpering” that sounded close by, though, but he wouldn’t tell me if it was next door; said he didn’t know. I’m pretty sure it was next door, though, and that he knew it. He’s tried to weasel out of admitting next door’s dog was doing certain barking fits, by saying that it was close, or in that direction.

Cuz of my schedule, I can’t say how the music’s been cuz I haven’t been up when he comes in for lunch or at the end of his day.

The fact that the weekend is now here really stresses me out, cuz you never know what they’re gonna do, or who’s gonna think about playing ball.

We’re gonna be getting an inkjet printer and a flatbed scanner and getting rid of this dot matrix printer that’s so old.

Right now, this lady who’s fortunate enough to have music and art come to her naturally still isn’t feeling as fortunate as she’d like to over the fact that never getting pregnant comes to her naturally as well. God really went all out not just to make me unique, different, and abnormal, he went all out to see to it that I’m just such a naturalist in so many ways. I always did say, after all, that the rarer something is, the easier it comes to me, and the more common it is, the harder it is to do or obtain. Well, I guess all I can do is remind myself that we all want what we can’t have at some point in our lives. If I hadn’t wanted a kid or didn’t care either way, we’d have had that, but then I’d be wishing for something else. Had our sex lives been normal, I’d just wish for something different, something unique.

To my utter amazement, Andy went a few days without calling me. Then he said something about it being “several” days since we talked, in a way that implied that it had been weeks. He knows I’m more tied up on weekends and hate to talk then, so he’ll make it a point to call, I’m sure. God, if you won’t send him Mr. Right for him, please do so for me. That’d get him off my case somewhat if his attention could be tied up in a guy.

I felt bad about going off on him when he was all panicked about his pot desires (he’s been clean for a month). I didn’t mean for my best friend to call me, needing a shoulder to cry on, just to get insulted, but I not only hate the phone - I’ve got a life. It may not be much of one compared to most people, and it may never be the ideal life I dream of, but I have more than phones and TV. I swear, all this guy knows is phones, food, and TV when he’s not working or getting high. I know what he’s going through. I know what it’s like to endure the hardships of quitting a substance you’ve been both physically and psychologically addicted to for years. I know what it’s like to be deprived of a natural, common thing your heart, mind, and body cries out for (love/child), but as I told him, these daily messages about things in general, when we’re not panicking, aren’t necessary. Too much is too much. I loved it years ago, but I’ve moved on, unlike him. What I mean by that is that there’s always gonna be areas in my life where I just can’t move on. On the other hand, I have moved on, gotten a life, and matured. Andy’s changed, too, in wonderful ways. He’s not selfish and insensitive like he used to be, but Andy’s still Andy for the most part. He still lives on phones, he still seeks and attracts losers, and he hasn’t grown intellectually. So, you could say I have mixed emotions about Andy and his life. As his friend, and as someone who knows what it’s like to be denied something that everyone should have, I want to listen to him. At the same time, I’ve got my own problems and my own thing that I’ve been denied that everyone should have. Or at least have a choice in the matter. And also, there’s nothing I can do for him. I don’t want to be rude and negative and depress him even more by reminding him that he’ll never find love, that it’s not meant to be, and all that shit.

Later…

Every day this week, the asshole next door left at 7 AM. There’s been no music, but this is the first time I’ve ever known the freeloader to be consistent about the time he leaves. Usually, he leaves at 7:30 one day, 8:30 the next, and it varies.

Once I’m done with this 12-week bullshit here, I may continue to use the Nicorette gum. They say not to use it past 12 weeks, but how can it hurt me? It’s just nicotine. There’s no tar or carbon monoxide or anything that can hurt me in it. It’s just that I’m still having such cravings! For the most part, although I do feel healthier, I don’t feel any different now, than I did the day I quit. It’s really disappointing to know that it’s still such a big deal to me, although I figured as much. If only Tom could’ve kept his fucking word and promise! If he just would stop with the fucking games! And if God would just let me have the kid! That’d go a long, long way towards making sure I didn’t go back to the smokes, but God’s not gonna allow me no kid here, and Tom will always be Tom. I have to just settle for better health and saved money as reason enough to keep sticking this out. I know that that’s plenty reason enough, but you know how I feel.

I still wish I could know that I’d see the cigarettes, eventually, as I see other things. Take my earliest journals, for example. I know that the girl who wrote those and who lived that life and those experiences was me, yet it seems like a whole different lifetime ago, a whole different person, a whole different life. Even though I still like to write, still have long hair, and still love to sing, living on Oswego St. seems so very far away. So very far behind me, way deep in the past. If only I could see cigarettes that way; as something I used to do a long, long time ago. Something that I remember, but that’s also vague and long gone from my life.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 16, 1997
Got a letter from Kim today and I loved the cactus stationery and envelope she used. She’s having a very typical problem right now with Walter. He doesn’t think he wants kids. Is that classic male, or what?

Well, that’ll be a part of my New Year’s resolution. Since quitting smoking certainly can’t be a part of it, it’ll be to lose weight get fit again, and accept that nothing I can do can ever turn my dream of having a child into a reality. It just ain’t meant to be, my husband doesn’t want that, and I have to deal with it, accept it, and move on. I can’t change fate, Tom can’t, a doctor can’t, and God won’t. I have to trust that God had good intentions for denying me a child and that it’s not to torture and punish me. He has to obviously have good reasons to have felt that a child wasn’t worth making me handle. Yes, he could’ve made sure I was able enough to handle it, then gave it to me, but he didn’t. So he’s got to have damn good reasons that’d make perfect sense to me if I knew for sure what they were and had more than just theories about it. No God does this to a woman without a reason, so I have to count on God to know what he’s doing and live with it. That’s all I can do anyway, and something I read got me thinking. I was reading a part in a book where this guy realizes that he turned his back on a gift God gave him and was sorry he didn’t appreciate this gift. Well, is this a gift? Is this, in fact, a gift in disguise? Maybe I’ve been looking at this child-denial thing all wrong. Perhaps it is a gift. A natural built-in birth control system that enables me to live life in the way that no parent could. That allows me to experience and do things that no parent could, or that would be very hard for a parent to do. And perhaps there’s even more to it and it’s much more of a gift than I could ever realize.

Well, gift or curse - it just is. And there’s nothing I can do about it, so I may as well learn to live with it and accept it now, so I don’t have to have another handful of sad years over it. If I just deal with it, my life shouldn’t be so hard. I’ll just concentrate on what I do have, look at the bright side of having no kid, and make a game of it if it’ll help. Something like - see how good I am and lucky at dodging pregnancy every month, without the expense and hassles of birth control. Being denied something as natural as a child should also make me stronger in the end.

Is the dog gone again next door? I don’t remember hearing it bark yesterday or today. A highly unusual case. They wouldn’t take it indoors. Not for this long, anyway, and its prime barking time is early evenings. I didn’t hear it, so I wonder if they’re gonna work around the yard some more. I wish I could say that they’re moving and it’s just over at the new place waiting for them there, but I know better.

My schedule is now on nights, so I can’t be sure, but to my knowledge, the music hasn’t been a big deal.

With my emotional state being so bad, I don’t know if I wrote about our holiday present from my folks. They sent a bunch of treats - cheeses, cakes, cookies, etc.

I still want my cigarettes half the time, but it’s either smoke or crave, and cravings are my trade-off for not smoking. The Nicorette program will be sending me my award certificate.

The rabbit, who never wants to come inside lately, killed one of my cactuses, and I’m sure he’ll kill the others, too.

Of the mice with the markings, no two are alike, so I can tell Shy and Ziggy from their babies. However, Cocoa, who’s solid brown, is gonna blend right in with her babies as soon as they’re her size.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 15, 1997
I not only thought I couldn’t love someone as much as I love Tom, but I never thought it was possible to have so much resentment towards the same person you love that much. It’s amazing how some people can be so loving on one side, and then have this deceptive streak on the other side.

He let himself in there yesterday and seems to be making more “effort” to make more time for us to get together (perhaps as a cover), but I felt nothing. I mean nothing. I may as well just take care of myself or forget it, cuz I no longer feel a damn thing when we’re together, except for when we’re just lying there, and I don’t wish we could screw a lot like I always used to. I guess it’s just much easier to accept a life without normal sex than it is to accept a life without a child, but I’ve got to do something - anything - to get over it. Even if God would allow them to fix my plumbing and me to conceive, no doctor can force a guy to get off regularly, and he’d just put a guilt trip on me about it and fight the doctors, so why waste our time? It’s like trying to help an alcoholic who doesn’t want to be helped. He did say he was sorry that he’s inadequate sexually and he promised to never give me timetables again. This and his offer to go to a doctor helps, but it still won’t change things. Timetables would’ve been fine if he’d stuck to them and followed through on his word. He also promises no more bullshit “cures.” First, it was that we needed to get inside me comfortably, then we just had to do it more often, then sleep in the same room, have me dress in street clothes to make my being nude more special, share the same bed, quit smoking, and on and on and on. I’m sure there are more things that he claimed he was 100% sure would make him cum full-time, etc.

As I said the other day, I’m sure all my theories on why a kid’s not meant to be for me is right, but I just wish I could know that God’s intentions for this weren’t of a punishing, hurtful nature. That wouldn’t change my desires, though. Only time can do that. I hope! Just cuz other desires have changed or been outgrown - you never know. Hopefully, I won’t live a life of always wanting the child I’m 1000% sure I can never have, cuz that’s a depressing and scary thought. Besides trying to focus on the good in never having a kid and the blessings I do have, perhaps there are other coping tactics I’m missing. Perhaps if I make more of a game out of it, or maybe pretend that some things are different at times, maybe then I’ll be able to live with it a lot easier.

I wish I could say that I could live with not smoking a hell of a lot easier, but it’s still hard! I get several powerful urges a day. I know that it’d be easier if I could’ve had a kid to quit for and if things weren’t so shitty with the same two fucking never-ending issues, and a part of me thinks about smoking again, not just cuz I miss that, but to spite Tom and put a guilt trip on him. That wouldn’t work, though. Not the guilt part of it, cuz it’d be the other way around. I’d feel guilty on my own and he’d be sure to help ensure I felt that way, too.

At least I don’t have a million problems. It’s just two things - sex and sterility. Most of the time I have many more problems, although you could count my schedule problem as a problem, too. The reason why I don’t list the freeloaders as a problem, even though they are, is cuz that one’s solvable in the long run. We won’t always be neighbors. However, we’ll always have freaky sex, I’ll always be sterile, and I’ll never be able to maintain a normal schedule of any kind.

And if there’s any good news to report - the freeloaders didn’t wake me up. No ball games or music all day, according to Tom, but I heard him come in at a volume that wasn’t the worst, nor was it the greatest, after I’d been up a while. That’s OK. I’m taking care of those freeloaders, though. They hear me, too. If they don’t, then they’re either deaf or God’s protecting them from my late-night noise. I’m not gonna send them hate mail too soon (where I claim to be a Klan member and write wacky stuff, even though I hate them and not their color), cuz it’s too soon after they just had a party. I know I’ll be high on their list of suspects, but why make it too obvious? That’d spoil the fun.

Tom did some checking on acreage and property out where it’s more secluded, but not too secluded. The good news is that we won’t need the 35,000 or so he thought we’d need to move, but this isn’t gonna happen tomorrow or the next day, either. We may have to go it the long way, so to speak, and settle for a small place till we can build a bigger place, but if that’s what it’ll take to get out of here sooner - fine!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 14, 1997
Now, for the other ongoing problem around here - Tom has really gotten carried away with the sex games like never before. This shit has totally escalated that my desire to be close to him has never been lower. He went down on me earlier, which is the number one way to get me off, but I couldn’t cum.

If it weren’t for the millions of other things I love so much about him, I wouldn’t take his lies, games, teasing, and all his shit that makes me so sad, angry and frustrated. He’s really playing me for a fool here, and if there’s anything that’s changed, it’s that I finally said no. For the longest time, I kept asking for it, too, in a sense cuz I’d keep allowing him to play around with me in bed (in the wrong kind of way). Well, he told me to let him have a few hours of sleep and then come join him in bed. I told him no. If we’re not gonna have sex, then I’m not gonna play games, either.

Before I get into what’s been going on, not that it’s anything new, let me just say that I’ve been wondering more and more about a certain theory of mine. I know Tom’s reasons for making sure our sex is such a hardship, and I have my many theories as to why God’s hand in this matter exists, as well as why I’m sterile. Besides God not thinking I could handle a kid, or cuz of compensation, his beef with Jews, etc., I’ve been thinking of that gay theory more and more.

I don’t believe gayness is a sin. I believe we should follow our hearts when and if we can and that as long as we’re not hurting anybody when it comes to sex, it’s OK to have mutual sex with the same sex. Meanwhile, as I’ve said before, God has different standards and different ideas of what each of us should be doing. Obviously, God can’t hate gays that much, cuz if he did, he could’ve made sure gays never existed. I wonder more and more, though, if he felt that for me, it was a big sin. Maybe he feels that cuz I had what he felt was unnatural sex for me, he’s ensuring our sex is abnormal (along with Tom’s own reasons to help ensure this). And maybe he feels that I abused nature and therefore, he’s gonna deny me a child, which is an act of nature for a woman to carry and to have.

I’m sure that all my theories are pretty much right on the money, and I can’t make God allow me a child, but I wish to hell that Tom would quit his shit once and for all. I know a big part of why he’s been controlling the sex and having it be so abnormal (aside from his fears and the sheer fun of it), is cuz of when we got married. He still feels like I literally forced him into marrying me when we did and that cuz of that, he had to buy the house illegally. He’d have preferred us to wait a few months later, but my benefits had stopped right before our wedding and we had both thought at that time that they wouldn’t extend my medical benefits for a few more months as we found out they would after. I told him yet again, though, I did not make him marry me. I did not put a leash around his neck and drag him to Vegas. He could’ve put his foot down, but he didn’t. Then he says gonna put his foot down as far as making no more promises and timetables about me conceiving and as far as things we can do to ensure better sex and all that bullshit. He told me to take December off to just think about it, but that he’s offering to go to a doctor in January. Yeah, well, he doesn’t fool me. I see the deception in this offer. He won’t let them help us any more than God would. He’d fight them all the way.

He really has a lot of nerve and really turns me off the way he denies our situation and turns around and pins the blame on me and accuses me of doing just what he’s doing.

He tried to tell me that it’s really primetime on the 13th, 14th and 15th, which is, in fact, a few days too late. When I was really prime time, he just couldn’t get it in there. He’s played this fucking game 5 times in a row. The last 5 times, no joke, he just wouldn’t get in there! Is this sick or what? He didn’t have any problem getting in there before. Before it was prime time for a real woman and before it was the time he said he’d follow through with his bullshit promise. He promised me he’d cum at least 5 days in a row. I knew it was bullshit. I knew he was just playing games, lying and teasing, and I could see the enjoyment that he’d deny, written all over his face. I’d see the smirks, I’d hear the giggles, and it’s fucking cruel! Just downright abusive, mean, cold and cruel!

Then out of the blue, he turns things on me and tells me I’m really scared to have a kid. Beyond the normal anxieties (as if he isn’t one bit scared himself). He actually said something we agree on, or say we do, anyway. Yes, I’ll admit that my fears do run deeper than others who have never had kids before. It’s mainly cuz of my schedule problem and cuz of the thought of having to get up a million times a day for so long. But at least, if God had allowed it, I’d have conquered my fears and I wouldn’t have let them stop me from getting pregnant. Tom’s too scared and too busy getting off on his sick games and lies to get me pregnant if I could’ve had that. And he won’t admit his true feelings, fears, and where he’s really coming from. He goes right back into denial and says things that really piss me the fuck off like, “I’m offering to go to a doctor, I offered to do it the natural way, too.” But he wouldn’t follow through with his “offer” to do it the natural way and see that I’m right about the sterility! Then he goes on to say that if I felt too scared to have a kid, he’d still want a kid, but I’m more important and he’d accept it if I was too scared to have a kid, cuz I’m his number one. Isn’t that supposed to be me saying that to him? Well, I have told him that and that I’d still love him if he just came out and admitted that he didn’t want to have a child, but the games and teasing pertaining to sex and proving sterility, are obviously that important to him, that he has to lie about it and say he does want a kid when he doesn’t.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 13, 1997
And the stress and depression continue! There’s no way I’m gonna remember every little thing I thought and felt about the last few days, but I’ll do my best.

First off, I know that the only way to stop the music problem would be for them to either move, or be shot dead, and since neither of these things is gonna happen (at least not for a while), well, I’m not gonna totally sit back and take this shit anymore, either. I am gonna make myself heard in different ways, too, and I am gonna terrorize them in other ways, and God can do whatever the fuck he wants to me for it. I had started a “hate” letter to them, then ripped it up figuring things would get worse and that I’d only get punished for it since I can’t get away with shit, but things got worse and I got cursed anyway. Therefore, if God’s gonna have things done to me by his own hand or by the hands of others, I may as well deserve it, for crying out loud! Fuck this shit with me being the receiver and never the giver of noise around here. I made trouble in the past and got trouble back for it. Then I tried getting my act together and playing it the nice way, but I still get shit on for it, so what’s the fucking point? Why should I sit and listen to them, while I worry that I don’t practice what I preach? Well, fuck that shit, cuz from now on, we’re gonna hear each other. I’m not gonna hear them; we’re gonna hear each other! Tomorrow evening after he leaves for work at 7:30, they’re gonna have to hear my music for a good hour or more. Then they’ll have to wake up when I say so at 3 AM. I admit that they haven’t woken me up, but they will. And yes, they would’ve if I had slept just a little later today, past 2 PM which is when these freeloaders come alive, but I’ll get into that after.

No more of this 1-sided shit here. I know they exist and they’re gonna have to know I do, too, cuz I’ll be sending the hate mail and much more. Yes, God will punish me further for it and yes, Tom’s bound to find out and maybe the cops will question me, but I don’t care! The bitch told me she was sick of my shit. The first thing I told her was that I thought it was pretty ironic that she’s telling me she’s sick of my shit, yet she’s the one dishing it. She and loverboy that is. Well now black bitch, you’ll have a real reason to be sick of my shit!

Tom’s pissed off that I’m being so hateful and bigoted, but hey, I’m pissed off at him for lying to me and for his games, so I guess we’re even. And no, I have no guilt about breaking my promise to not do anything to them. Not when he’s broken promises to me. I’ll keep the one about not hurting them physically, cuz they know too many people. Usually, the more of a self-absorbed asshole you are, the more people you know, cuz there are more bad people than good. So people like these freeloaders can find more people that have things in common with them than we can. My point is if I did beat the shit out of them, they may be afraid to face me or to blast music, they may even move, and they may be too embarrassed to take it to the law, but I’m sure they’d have their so-called pals come after me or this house. I can’t defend myself against bunches of freeloaders, nor can I ward off bullets or fire. As far as my hate, well, right now it’s awfully hard to keep in mind that there’s good and bad in all kinds. Once one of us moves, then it’ll be easier to see that, but right now, I see just about all of them as nothing but scum. We all want to do for our own selves to a degree. We all have our hobbies, dreams and things we like to do that comforts, interests and pleases us, and that’s fine. It’s those who have to involve others that don’t want to be involved in their self-pleasing ways, interests and lifestyles, that I’ve got a problem with. I’ve never insisted that they listen to my music with me or that they listen to my animals, too, etc. The fact that they like music and that they want a dog is fine, but what’s that got to do with me, huh? Why should I be included in all this, too? Well if I’m gonna be, I’m gonna include them into my lifestyle, too. When I say it’s time to listen to music, that means them too, and when I’m up, they’re up.

Tom and Andy agree, too, that these kinds of stereos with the massive bass kick that’s vented out of trunks (or else it’d blow a car apart) should be outlawed, but they’ll never be. There’s too much money tied into it, not to mention all the lonely and selfish sick fucks out there that have to get attention. Everyone’s got a “hear me” obsession and they want everyone to notice them. This should also prove what an immature society we’re dealing with too, when Tom brought up a good point about status symbols. The people that are most snobby and insecure with themselves have to have a bassy stereo cuz that’s saying how they’re oh so much better. I can see a child trying to prove they’re better than another classmate, or trying to prove themselves to their parents, but when teenagers and adults feel they have to prove themselves to a city of strangers, they’ve got problems. And their self-esteem is even lower than mine’s ever been or ever could be if they feel they have to beg for the approval of just anybody. I don’t give a fuck about proving myself to some stranger across town, and why should some stranger a few streets away give a shit about what I think of them? These freeloaders could really have my approval if they’d stop being so rude and selfish.

After I go take a much-needed break with some music (that’ll be just for me out of headphones, since Tom’s asleep), I’ll write about today’s party. He wasn’t here this time last year, therefore, I didn’t know that today was the kid’s birthday, but I do now, naturally. I don’t know about Christmas, but New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day are gonna be a nightmare around here!

Later…

I’m now on step 3 - a piece of gum every 4-8 hours and it is hard! I miss my cigarettes sooooooo much! And it fucking figures that I gotta enter this step when the music becomes a problem again and when they decide to party. The party could’ve been worse, though, if it hadn’t been a kid’s birthday party. I thought it was gonna go well into the night like 10:00 or later, but they wrapped it up just as we got in.

Last night, he let me know something was gonna be going on or changing or coming to the house like he always does. First I heard the music softly, then a so-so volume, then a loud one.

I had gotten up around 2 PM and was pleased that no ball games woke me up. (probably tomorrow, though) Then I was out back a little later to feed the rabbit and cats when I saw a huge elephant next door. If that sounds crazy, let me be more descriptive. It was something you blow up, like a raft, only kids can jump around inside the thing. It’s like a blown-up elephant house. I wondered how the hell they could afford it, but Tom thinks that it’s the kid’s grandfather, whom we’ve seen come visit here and there, that rented it. Yeah, I’d say so. Anyway, I was surprised that the kids weren’t that noisy. You could hear them out back, but they were no problem from indoors, nor did they play ball. That’s cuz they couldn’t. There were so many cars parked in their driveway and in front of our house, in front of the house next to them on the other side, and in front of at least 3 houses across the street. We never saw so many cars there before. It was the door slamming and music that was nerve-wracking. Now I will admit that no, the music hasn’t been really, really loud like that Saturday night when he just sat there with it blaring about a month ago. And of course, Tom’s still oh so sure that there are steps that can be taken that’ll be guaranteed to stop the music in the end. Yeah, he thinks he’s got all the answers when it comes to sex and neighbors. Even if he was right about that, these steps would take forever. So in my mind, I’m compromising with Tom and God. I won’t beat the snot out of them, but I’ll make their lives just as stressful, I’ll be just as annoying, and I’ll be just as heard.

Tom did me a wonderful favor a good hour or so into the party. We needed to do some errands anyway, so we went to the pet store. I got a big bale of the regular pine bedding that we use to do all the cages with and a small bag of that potent cedar bedding. All 3 litters are really getting around now and at times, there are mice everywhere! All hyped up and playful and they’re like a bunch of kids in a playground. They’re so cute! But there’s nowhere near enough wheels to go around for everyone. I have a total of 6 wheels, but there’s one I don’t have room for, so I got a small wheel. One that’s perfect for mice, but one that’d be too small for a hamster or a gerbil. Now each of the Play City cages has a wheel and the aquarium’s got 3. One of them is the giant wheel that Teddy Bear was using when he lived with the big guys. We also looked at cat stuff. They really have a lot of clever toys, litter boxes, and beds for them. So besides bedding and the wheel, we also got food and one of those shred-a-beds. Rodents like to claw and dig, as well as chew, and GPs and rabbits may like to burrow, but mice like to nest and burrow.

Then we went to Ma’s house, even though she was at Mary’s for the weekend. Tom left the checkbook that’s from our joint account in his car (we had been driving Ma’s car). We drank a soda over there after I used the bathroom, and then I wrote out the Chanukah checks to Tammy’s girls in the amount of their ages.

Lastly, we went downtown, hoping to see some pretty holiday lights/decorations, but there wasn’t anything too thrilling to see.

We came home then, and the party had pretty much broken up. The elephant was taken away, too.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 12, 1997
I have so much to say regarding the last few miserable days I’ve had, but I’m so overwhelmed that I don’t know where to start. I had things worded perfectly in my head as the events of the last few days unfolded, but now everything is all blurred into one in my mind.

I’ve basically entered the peak of the “giving up” stage, so to speak. Even though there’s nothing to give up - well - you know what I mean. My fists are unclenching more and more as I realize more and more how hopeless it is to try to fight fate. That’s the basic issue for me lately and I’ll break it down into detail, even if it’s the same old sob story I’ve already written about time and time again, after Andy and the freeloaders.

Andy - he came over last night. I liked all but a few of the clothes Laura gave me. This time, there was a wider variety of things. There were halters, shirts, shorts, pants, nightgowns, etc.

I gave him clothes to give to Laura and an extra comforter for him.

Before I get to freeloader news, Teddy Bear’s gone. Tom buried him out back.

Marty had his second open-heart surgery, so now he’s even with my dad. Mom’s in a hotel with Ruth in Miami. That’s where he had his surgery done and I guess that’s the only place there was an available team. I’ll send a card soon.

Freeloaders - the dog’s back to its 2-3-hour barking fit in the early evenings, and now the freeloader is back to its music shit, too. It’ll get louder and louder and more and more often. Nothing I can do can stop it, short of shooting the bastard dead. They can do wrong and get away with it, God don’t give a shit, and my husband, who thinks he knows it all, will waste his time with city/government letters. I told him the letter would either be ignored or useless, but he just doesn’t get it. He’ll make up any excuse and say that this will work and that that’ll work just to keep me from going over there and beating that black ass red. Fine! I’ll just let them force their music on me, I’ll sit back and take it, and not do a damn thing about it. Why should I bother after all? God would just replace me with a new source of noise, and of course, tomorrow or the next day or both, I’ll have to get up when the basketball game starts.

I’m still rather distraught here, so I’ll continue later.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 10, 1997
I should’ve known better than to even think for a second that there could be a reason for my quitting smoking. As logical as it seems that there should be and that that’d only be fair, life isn’t fair. Maybe it’s so I won’t be wheezing my ass off as much when I get woken up at least every other weekend by the weekend basketball game. There’s no way this fan and this noise machine, even together, are gonna beat out that ball bouncing just a few feet away. Someone might as well go hammering on the outside of the bedroom wall.

Last night was the third time in a row that he just “couldn’t” get in there. I’ve been cumming less and less myself these last few months. That’s cuz I’m just so sick of the lying and the teasing. And as always, God is of no help. He doesn’t care. No, he couldn’t care less. Tom’s latest line, excuse, whatever, for his sudden inability to know how to fuck, is that couples that have been together for a while, tend to become used to certain routines, that people assume too much, and therefore fall out of sync. This is utter and total bullshit. That’s like saying that the more you practice sign language, the more trouble you’ll have with it. How stupid and naïve does he think I am? He also claims that I couldn’t know this, but when you’ve been with a guy for a long time, it’s normal to have trouble getting in there at times. Yeah, right! With the exception of when it was too painful for me, Ron never had a problem, and I was with him on and off for 6-7 months. Bruce didn’t have a problem, and Al and Mark wouldn’t have had a problem if it weren’t so painful for me then. Al had premature ejaculation.

Jesus Christ! Can next door slam their car doors any harder? At least I didn’t hear any music, but it must be a tough job to rig a dog up to a car. If it’s not attached to the car, then it can definitely reach it. He’s gotta be parking deep in there for the dog to protect that stereo for sure. This all began after I screamed at them last July. Maybe the city did contact him after all, cuz if the music’s gonna stop, the door slamming’s gonna escalate.

Anyway, as I was saying, I just don’t know how many more years of excuses, lies, and games I can take here and it’s really weird, cuz out of bed, I always feel loved and completely unabused, but in bed, half the time I feel like a sex toy who’s head and whole being, actually, is being abused.

First he couldn’t get in from our side position, then he couldn’t get in up top. Then I said - to hell with it - and got up. Then he claims he wanted to screw, he wants a child, he would’ve gotten it in there, and he would’ve cum. Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding?! Now he tells me that if I’ll let him, and if I’ll be patient and not give up, he’ll get in there for the next few nights, and cum, too. Yeah, and I’ll be a millionaire for the next few nights, too.

It all comes down to the same thing - I’m sterile, God doesn’t give a shit, Tom doesn’t want a kid, and we’ll never have one. Even if his sex drive suddenly soared out of control and he got over his fears and came like hell, do you really think God would allow me a child? Hell no!

It’s too bad Paula never sent me the pictures she said she’d send, but what did I expect? I don’t think she has a camera, but she said something about buying one. At least she calls periodically. Shelly never even did that and despite the shit she was going through, I felt like our friendship was totally 1-sided. That’s typical of what God would have for me, too. The only difference is that I stopped going along with it one day. I love Shelly dearly and I’ll always appreciate her looking out for me back then, but it wouldn’t be fair, as unfair as life is, for me to be the one to do all the calling and writing.

Speaking of calls, Andy said he’s keeping really busy with work so he doesn’t think of pot. Therefore, he doesn’t have time to call NA groups to set something up with them or with a therapist. Then how is it that he has the time to call me every day? I told him for the hundredth time, that unless something’s wrong, I’d prefer not to talk every day, but it’s gone in one ear and out the other as always.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 9, 1997
Well, God got me back for all the people I woke up during my years of prank calls. Now he’s getting me on the annoyance part of it. I’m really sick of these “unavailables” that call several times a day. I still think most of them are from someone we know, but even so, I’m tired of being interrupted when I’m trying to write, do dishes, or whatever. I can’t just write off every call, too, and assume it’s the “unavailables,” either. What if it were his mother in need of help? So, if I’m in the back, I have to stop what I’m doing and run up front to see the caller ID box.

I told Tom that we might want to think about getting an unlisted number.

Another phone annoyance, that’s nothing new, is Andy. I feel kind of trapped here since on one hand, this is my best friend who I care about. Therefore, I want to know what’s going on with him. On the other hand, these daily calls can really get to be a pain in the ass, but he never gives up.

Andy and I will probably get together this Thursday unless something comes up with him. If something does come up with him, he’ll probably just dump the clothes Laura has for me off out back and I’ll leave the clothes and comforter I’ve got for them out back, too.

I still have several cigarette cravings a day, and history is repeating itself again with the weight. With the exception of when I starve myself, cuz anyone that stops eating will lose weight. And if they don’t, they’ve got something wrong with them. However, it seems a common thing for me that if I try to lose the weight without starving, I just can’t. But then when I say - screw it - and not do a damn thing about it, it just comes off. I only went from 118 to 114, and I’m sure that by now I’m already back to 116 since I just ate and since I have a slow-motion metabolism, but we’ll see. Maybe it’ll keep going down and get somewhat close to 100, although I seriously doubt that.

I have a slight, and I mean very slight, change-vibe concerning next door that came on just the other day. I wouldn’t hold my breath on it to mean much of anything, though, cuz it’s so weak of a vibe, but we’ll see.

Gizzy’s two babies, Tanner and Spot, are really growing up and are getting around a lot better now. The others are just beginning to get around, too, but are still nursing. One of Shy’s babies is quite original-looking. It’s got a black circle around one eye, like an eye patch, so I’ve been calling this one Patch.

I just heard that scraping noise from next door and I think I know what it is. When I’m outside, I can hear the dog’s chain sliding around as it moves and I think this “plastic” sound, is a big bowl that it slides around when it’s hungry. I still wish these people would decide they hate dogs and would get rid of it. I can’t believe God allowed me a whole year and a half with no dog over there in the first place, but that’s just cuz he knew there’d be loud music instead. That compensated for it. I wouldn’t be surprised if I suddenly lived where there was never a sound, then was made to just wake up too soon on my own by him constantly.

About an hour ago was another botched attempt at sex. It was a fun, pleasant surprise when he initiated it. I didn’t expect it till tonight (we’re gonna screw then, too), but between last night and today, it’s just too obvious that something up there doesn’t want things to work out, and I wonder about him, too. Last night was too hot and yes, it got warm in here, and yes, he was sweating, but he’s sweated before and still got off. Today, it just wouldn’t go in there. Why do God and Tom keep putting me through the same old shit? And why do I let them? Why can’t Tom see that I’m sterile, admit that he’s not gung-ho for a kid, and let all else alone? And why can’t God, who knows he’ll never allow me a child, just leave us alone in bed? God’s always got to interfere, and Tom’s always got to get cold feet. Who the fuck does he think he’s kidding when he says he’s gonna cum more than once over the next few days? And then further his bullshit by saying I’ll conceive this month! I’m glad he’s putting more effort into making more time for us to get together, but why must he include so much bullshit into the deal? Can’t we just have normal, full-time fun without the lies?

I guess all I can do is what I always try to do - look at the bright side of never having a child. Besides the question of how I could ever deal with it, how could Andy deal with it? If he cries neglected and cut off from his best friend now, then how could he have handled it if there had been a kid, cuz then I’d have been even less available to play phone with him? And it’s not pleasant to think of how my family would’ve reacted to it. Not Larry or Tom’s family, but Tammy and my parents. I wouldn’t have needed to hear all the shit they’d have had to say that would’ve just led to even more paranoia and self-doubt. They’d have spoiled the exciting part of it. Both Tammy and my mother, but more so my mother, are very self-absorbed people and if you aren’t doing, offering or telling them something they can relate to or that they like, you can take a hike. Tom had something to offer them, too, and that was someone to take care of my needs so they wouldn’t have to. However, what would’ve been in it for them if we had had a kid? Nothing.

Later…

Unless the freeloader came in while I was under headphones, the freeloader came in quietly. He’s not in to stay for the night yet, though, cuz his car’s parked where I can see it, just outside the carport.

I’ll have to remember to take Tom’s advice. I really want to please him and I wish I could, but I just suck in bed! Anyway, he told me to use more variety in how I rub his dick and to concentrate more on the tip of it. The shaft of the dick doesn’t have as much feeling.

Here we go sliding the bowl around again. Although, it still seems a bit loud for a bowl. I wish I could say it was moving sounds and that at least he was moving, but fat chance. The dog’s in the carport now, too, but the car’s still out front. I think they may have the start of the dog’s leash in their yard, but that it extends into the carport and they put the dog’s bowls in the carport, too, to encourage it to hang out there more often for my sake.

I think there’s another reason they’re gonna try to hang onto that house, besides the fact that it’s subsidized. I just realized that my vibe of them moving at this time went away after my encounter with the bitch. And it did so, I believe, cuz they’re also gonna want to hang around here to piss me off. Even if they knew that some other people’s dog would piss me off if they moved, they’d still rather be here so it could be their dog to piss me off.

MONDAY, DECEMBER 8, 1997
Boy, that freeloader really parked in an odd place this time around. When we came in from shopping, its car was parked in the street. I thought maybe to make room for some work trucks to pull in, but I didn’t hear anyone pull in, so who knows what that weird fuck’s up to?

Later…

Where could they be? Their living room windows next door are pitch dark, I haven’t heard the dog, and I haven’t heard any signs of a car being over there. Well, if I hear them come in, they’ll hear from me. Yes, if it’s an unacceptable volume, I shall solve my own problems, confront the source head-on, and be done with these assholes for good. As I said before, I don’t know if the city contacted them or why the music’s been quieter, but it’s not gonna be for long. I know them. And as far as my promising Tom not to go after them - why should I have to keep my promises when Tom doesn’t keep his? We’re gonna screw tonight, as part of our agreement, but will he cum? No. Of course he won’t. It’s too soon after his last squirt. He’ll keep the part of the promise that requires us to get together fairly regularly, but not the part about the regular cumming to prove my case of sterility. He isn’t ready to deal with that, and it’ll be the same bullshit I’ve gone through before with him. Anything to get out of his having to face the fact that I am sterile.

Well, maybe the freeloaders came in without slamming doors and went to bed early, cuz I just heard the dog in the carport. It fucking sounds like it’s right on our back patio, or inside the house at the other end of it.

Tom and I went shopping earlier. I got 3 puzzles and 3 journals, and we picked up some Christmas cards and some wrapping paper, too.

The envelope addresser is nice and shitty at the same time. Its graphics are kind of boring and you can’t control their sizes. The program was written in a shitty, weird and complex kind of way, but Tom said he’ll create an easier setup for it. I do like its different fonts, though.

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 7, 1997
This morning’s sex went as I knew it’d go. He didn’t cum. And a certain somebody up in the sky that doesn’t agree with what we’re doing, has seen to it that I’m having irritation down there. Well, no amount of discomfort is gonna stop me from doing my part of the deal here. It’s up to God and Tom to make or break my dream.

He reminded me that a woman could have a guy cum in her a day or two prior to ovulation and still conceive. Then all the more my gut instincts and woman’s intuition are right about my being sterile. Even so, it still doesn’t seem logical or fair that my being meant to quit smoking all of a sudden means nothing at all. There’s got to be some reason for this and I still kind of have a “change” vibe. I know next door will be here till at least next fall, and although I still can’t see a child ever happening, this bed and this not smoking have to have some purpose. Things happen for a reason. Maybe the “change” is Tom believing there really is something wrong with me, but that can only be if he cums regularly and even if he did that, he may still be hesitant to question my sterility. How much he’s willing to deal with the consequences of my sterility, will depend on how much he’ll let himself realize that that’s the case. There doesn’t have to be any so-called consequences or anything to deal with, though, if we choose not to go to a doctor. And besides, I already know that running to a doctor wouldn’t help us.

It’s still cloudy and wet out there, although it’s not raining right now. I wish it’d rain all day to help keep the ballplayers away, but I’m sure that with just my luck, it’ll become a bright, sunny and dry day by late morning.

Tom also stopped at Eldon’s yesterday to do some computer work for him, and in exchange, Eldon gave us a printer that just addresses envelopes. It does more than that, though, and way more than the envelope printer in the word processor does. All the one we’ve always used does is print in one font and one size. This one does a handful of fonts and sizes and it also does graphics. It lets you put little pictures to decorate the envelopes with, but we haven’t been able to try this out, cuz we need a new ink cartridge for it. This isn’t a dot matrix like our regular printer that strikes dots on the paper. This is an inkjet and the ink boils and sprays onto the paper. We’ll also be getting an inkjet printer one of these days.

Later…

Tom just left to take his mother to church and to pick up some things we need.

I just heard those weird sounds coming from next door’s backyard again. Like furniture sliding around. Something that’s perhaps plastic and lightweight.

For a couple of minutes yesterday and a couple the day before, I wondered if next door got another dog. Tom said he didn’t hear anything that suggests that, but that’s something next door would surely do. Especially if the city did contact them in regard to the music. I guess we were either wrong in assuming he’s not supposed to be there, or they just aren’t pushing to nudge him out. If the city did mention his presence to her, all the bitch has to say is that he just visits her. So, unless they go search her house to find his stuff, it wouldn’t hold up to much.

We’ve gone from window birdies to window kitties. White Feet jumps from the back of the old recliner to the AC, then stands up and peers in the window in the back room.

The damn birds still come around, but at least things aren’t nearly as messy as they were when I’d feed them lots of seeds every day. They try to steal the cat food, though, and Measles, my favorite bird who’s the bravest, still comes around daily.

Later…

Fortunately, there were no ball games today. Instead, it was the dog and car doors I got to listen to.

Their beast will bark more on weekends cuz they’re home then and it cries out for attention it can’t get.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 6, 1997
Well, I’ll be darned! Tom’s keeping every bit of his promise. So far, that is, but nonetheless, we had a great time in bed today and he got off just fine. Then we lay together a while longer and talked about trivial stuff.

Right now he’s talking to Eldon, then he’s gonna go to the racetrack. He hasn’t been there in a while.

I changed both the mice’s and the big guy’s cages and I’m doing laundry, too.

Soon, I’ll do the dishes and cook Tom some Hamburger Helper. Guess what I got to enjoy both today and yesterday? A home-cooked lobster! Tom got two little lobsters for $3 each at the grocery store. They’re already cooked, so all you do is thaw them and reheat them by boiling them.

Michelle and her mom found the screws and brackets to put the bed together. Do these people ever take the time to look for things before asking where they are? This is the second thing they had to ask where it was, cuz they wouldn’t take the time to look.

Also, Laura, who Andy says has more clothes than God, has more clothes to give to me.

The freeloader’s dog hasn’t been much of a problem, but it will be once it gets hot again. The music’s been OK that we both know of, too, but give it time. I heard him bopping around the carport early last evening (probably to rig the dog up to the car for the night). I’ve got another theory as to why he rigs the dog to the car and that’s to protect his stereo from a certain person who doesn’t appreciate it. After all, he does pay more attention to that stereo, than the dog.

I talked to my mother yesterday who said that every two years, they’ll come visit. So, in May of 99, they’ll be back. If we had had a kid, I wonder if that two-year thing would go out of effect?

Tom got the door up yesterday, but it’s only partially done. This is a big job, so all we could do was get the door up, put that air pump thing up so it’ll pull it shut, and that’s it for now. We still have to install the bar that it’ll latch into and re-key it, but for now, this is so very much nicer than that other torn-up piece of shit we had.

Also, I guess Tom’s luck is still holding out. He thought he was getting hit with a cold, but so far I guess he’s gonna be OK. Hopefully, his not having to deal with secondhand smoke will help him, cuz that can lower one’s immune system and make one more susceptible to colds.

Later…

At this time of year, whatever the weather is in L.A., will be what it’ll be here in 24 hours. It’s gonna rain anytime now and I wish it would hurry up and do so, so that the little girl who lives where the guard dogs are, won’t come back to play ball for the third time. Although, that might not stop her.

And ironically, the ball games start up after the letter goes out. And it’s just my luck that with all the houses on this street that have basketball hoops, which are very few, one of them has to be right next door. I wish the earth would open up and swallow the fucking thing up!

Given the fact that this is the 3rd time she’s played for just a few minutes, I’d say that Miss Bitch may have had a talk with the girl’s mother, who had a talk with the little girl. People are sick enough too, to pit a kid against an adult they don’t like.

The thing about it that sucks is that I know that I’m not gonna get one weekend till June without having to listen to ball games. Since the kids that live there don’t play ball, God just had to make sure he got other kids that would. And eventually, this is gonna roll into after-school hours and it won’t be just this little girl. Or for just a few minutes.

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 5, 1997
Oh, those incompetent assholes at AOL! They never fail to fuck up. I can’t get the message that’s there from my folks.

I got a card from Tom’s mom with a check for my age, a singing birthday message from Andy, and calls from Tammy, Larry, and my folks.

I only talked with Tammy and Paula. My folks called at 11 PM our time and 1 AM their time and they got to talk to Tom before he left for work. Meanwhile, I was already asleep.

Instead of going to Red Lobster yesterday, we might go on Monday, cuz that’d fit in better with our schedules. He got me Chinese food instead and today we’ll be putting up that security door, which will be a big job. Andy didn’t give us a key to the door, so Tom’s gonna try to re-key it.

Andy said he was too broke at this time to get me a b-day present and I told him not to worry, I understand, and have been there before. He’s been clean for two weeks, but he and his ditzy friends! Now Michelle and her mother can’t find the brackets and screws to put the damn bed together! As with the other screws they couldn’t find, I told them they were there and that we did give it to them.

Very fittingly, and as I totally expected, Tom’s getting his punishment for saying he’s gonna fight God and win, even if I knew it was bullshit and that he doesn’t want to win. He just got hit with one of the colds going around at work, so when I’m mid-cycle, he’ll be too sick to screw, and that’ll be the excuse I knew I’d be in for, for why we need to give it yet more time. Look, I know I’m sterile, and that’s all there is to it. There’s nothing I can do about it, no matter how much or how little he cums and as always, God keeps working against us to ensure we not only never have a child, but that we can never have full-time, normal sex. And if he didn’t have a cold, which would still be the ideal time for God to start him on a cold, there’d be something else to keep things as they always have been. Some dark, evil force up there is really working against us, and as always, it wins. So, he can keep on swearing I’ll conceive for sure this month, but that he doesn’t know that I won’t miscarry it, all he wants.

Well, like I said, my New Year’s resolution is to make one last attempt to lose weight and to just accept the fact that I’ll have to live off the rest of my life wanting a child I can never have. I’ll work on trying to live with that and concentrate more on what I do have, rather than what I can’t have. I should be more appreciative of this freedom I’ve got, anyway, as most people would kill for at least some of it. Besides, I couldn’t handle motherhood, I’d be a shitty mother, and would just wish for these days right back again, so what’s the point?

Later…

Not only did I have to wait to get into my mailbox, but when I could, the fucking assholes deleted the message from my folks! I could kill these assholes!

Anyway, I left my parents a message about that and thanked them for the package.

There’s this cartoon character called Dilbert and they sent Tom some post-it notes with his character involved and some mini flags with Dilbert, too, and a million other mini flags of all different things. They even sent another mini pole, so I put it in the doorway between the kitchen and the entrance hall to the garage and put up a summertime scene, even though it’s winter.

Tom also got two mouse pads, an AZ Cardinals license plate to put on the front of his car, and a novel that has to do with computers.

They sent a lot of brochures on Disney and other related stuff. They sent shampoo from there, a few pictures, and two really nice mugs of Minnie and Mickey Mouse for the both of us.

They sent one of those belly pouches you strap around your waist. They’re good for carrying little things around places like casinos, so you can have your hands free. A How to Cook Like a Jewish Mother cookbook, pens, and a calendar I certainly don’t care for. That’s cuz all its pictures are taken in Massachusetts, Connecticut, Vermont, and Maine. A sweatshirt with the New Kids on the Block on it. I’ve heard of them, but I don’t know any of their songs. Green nail polish that I’m sure my dad picked out, $25, and the last two things are really cute - a motion sensor frog that “ribbits” when you walk by it, and a singing gorilla that starts singing when you clap real loud in front of it.

Later…

I just got to talk to Larry. He says he still has a cold, Sandy’s got bronchitis, Jen’s fine, and business is going well. He also asked how I could tell if a blond was at a computer. Then told me the answer was: cuz there’d be whiteout all over the screen.

I shouldn’t have told Tammy that I was expecting calls from different people, including Larry, cuz then she said, “Leave it to him to call you on your birthday, but not mine.” I won’t tell her we got to talk, so as to not hurt her feelings any more than they are.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 4, 1997
Another year has passed and now I’m 32. Anyway, Tom got me some nice things that he gave to me yesterday. He gave me pretty floral stationery to use for letters and drafts and several different colored markers for writing. He also got 5 lotto tickets called Cactus Cash. I won $2 and he’s gonna get two more tickets with that.

Either today or tomorrow, my sweetheart is gonna take me out to dinner. I’m sure we’ll have plenty of fun, too.

He told me that if I wasn’t pregnant in December, then he’d start to believe me as far as the sterility goes. This really helped to hear, even if his knowing what I know can’t change anything. Still, I was pleased to hear it, even though I wonder - will I just hear it? He promised no excuses, but I don’t know. I wouldn’t be surprised if both he and God together made sure there was less time than usual for fun so that he’ll end up saying that there weren’t enough opportunities for us to give it a chance, and then we’re right back to where we’ve always been.

I hope he remembers and realizes that if he wants to prove to himself that there’s something wrong with me, he’s gonna have to cum a lot. That means practically changing his whole being, cuz frequent cumming just isn’t him.

Anyway, due to next door’s schedule being so erratic, I was either listening to music or in bed when he came in, so I couldn’t tell if it was no volume or a so-so volume (a loud one would’ve woken me up). I heard nothing from next door all morning and afternoon and what I heard the day before that, might not have been him after all. Yesterday I heard music at the same volume and went out to dispose of it permanently, but it was some other car passing by. It was a couple of hours off on the timing as to when I heard the music the day before, but we’ll just have to wait and see.

Tom still begs me not to do anything to next door and says that no one should go after someone unless in self-defense. He also says that even if my method’s effective, it’s wrong and that he’s still certain they can be dealt with legally if this letter doesn’t work by going a step higher than the office we sent the letter to.

First of all, I don’t trust anything anyone “tells” me, I have my doubts about any city/government officials helping with shit, and I don’t believe in turning to others to help me with my problems with others and having them fight my battles for me, and sometimes you do have to do wrong to get proper results, and lastly, a person doesn’t always have to resort to violence to get justice. So, I told Tom I’ll use my best judgment and be as fair as I can be. If I do anything, I’ll make sure I do it when he’s not here, but I’ve had it with these people, and if he ever plays it as loud as he did that Saturday night when he sat in the car blaring it, I’ll fucking kill him, whether he’s here or not.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 3, 1997
What a thoroughly depressing night I’ve had. Thank God Tom’s not here, cuz hearing his lies right now and him denying there’s even a problem, wouldn’t change things or help me.

Let me just say first, that it’ll be any day now that I’ll be taking care of next door for good. We heard him leave after he came in for lunch in a so-so but pushing it kind of volume. At least there’s something I can do about the music. There’s nothing I can do about this sadness, anger, and frustration over the child I can never have. I know that now and there’s no denying it. It’ll never get any better and just when it seems to get a tiny bit better, it’s such a big issue with me again. I’ll always live with the feeling/knowledge of this missing link. There’ll always be a void and an empty slot in my life that I know I’ll never be able to fill and make whole. There’s no accepting God’s sentencing me to a life of childlessness. I may not shed tears every day about this and some days it may be on my mind less, but it’ll always be there. There’s no getting over this and even deciding I’d rather not have it, like with the singing and the woman. Tom replaced the desire to be with a woman, the singing died off on its own, but how can I replace my desire to have a child? How can it ever die off? It can’t.

I can’t fix, control, or manipulate this never being allowed a child by running to a doctor, and I can’t fix, control, or manipulate my emotions about it, either. I have no choice but to surrender to it and to just accept the fact that it’ll always play on my emotions. I tried to escape it and there just is no escape.

Who was I kidding to even think that I could be brave enough to go to a doctor and risk our lives? So, there’s been a change in my New Year’s resolution. His is to lose weight and be more organized. Mine’s to accept my sterility and not go to a doctor, but I haven’t decided what I’m gonna do about the weight. Of course, he was elated to hear I decided not to go to a doctor, then went right into the usual denial of how he never thought we needed that. Yeah, in 5 years from now he’ll still think we don’t need that. And he’ll still be coming up with new things that’ll cure him and make him cum regularly.

I’m right where I was when I entered my 30s two years ago and in two more years - there’ll be more material things, things might be changed around the house, I don’t know how many animals we’ll have and what they’ll be, I don’t know what my weight will be, but I’ll still be just as childless as always. And Tom will still be cumming once every few months if he hasn’t stopped again altogether. And he’ll continue to lie to me and in October of 99, he’ll tell me I’ll be pregnant in December then, too. And how everything’s fine and how all will work out.

Well, I can’t change my sterility. Nor can I change how I feel about it, but I must keep my feelings to myself as much as possible. Talking about them doesn’t change things and he just doesn’t get it. He doesn’t want to get it. Not even a sensitive guy like him could know and understand what I’m going through. It’s my problem and mine alone. A woman must go something like this alone. Only another sterile woman, who’s also been cheated out of her right to have a child, could empathize with me and understand how I feel.

I may never be OK with my sterility like Mary is with hers, cuz everyone’s different, but if I don’t learn to deal with my emotions in a way that doesn’t involve others, I really am gonna have a very hard life.

I’m still not sure, like I said, about my weight. I could just accept that, too, and let my body weigh whatever it’s gonna weigh, or I could try to fight it, but that’s another one of those things that I don’t have control of or any say about at the moment. God doesn’t want to budge on that issue, but I’m not surprised either. He let me have the strength to not smoke and he let us have this bed, so he’s gonna seize control of me otherwise. I’m sure he’s very upset up there about the city letter, too, even if it’s as useless as I said it’d be. The freeloader will be at it again in no time.

Also, losing weight the only way that’s ever worked for me, doesn’t work anymore. The hunger pains are too severe when I don’t eat and if I allow myself just a few bites, those few bites lead to a few more, and a few more, etc.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 2, 1997
Got a birthday card from David, Evie and their kids. What was cool about it was the little piece of paper enclosed with drawings from “Neeca.” I guess that’s how she pronounces her name. Anyway, it was cool to get that from a niece on Tom’s side of the family.

It still saddens me to know that I could never receive something so precious from my own child, but again, I don’t deserve it and I couldn’t handle it.

It also still kind of bothers me, although I’m used to it, that my husband could boldly lie to me about getting pregnant time and time again. I understand that men can’t quite grasp women’s issues and how much something like this means to a woman, but still, lying is lying and I don’t like it. It’s not fair and no one should fool with someone else’s emotions like that. No matter how much we know that we cannot take someone’s word for shit, without seeing what they say come true, it’s still a cruel thing to do to someone who’s so sensitive about certain issues. I don’t know if this wanting a child thing will “go away” or go dormant, so to speak, but I do hope for that. Where there’s absolutely no hope whatsoever to have a child, I do hold out the hope that I’ll be able to live with my sterility and accept myself as a whole, much easier than I have. Sometimes I can accept it and I love myself as a whole, but I still have my times when it’s hard to deal with the sterility and now the fact that I’m 15 pounds overweight. I miss my thin days.

I gathered up a bag of clothes that I’m either too big for or am sick of to give to Laura.

Andy’s gone two weeks without smoking pot, so I’m proud of him. He says he feels much better and much more confident. He sounds it, too, and he’s not as flaky and his memory’s already so much better. However, just like I always had a problem in every place I’ve ever lived, he has a problem everywhere he works. Always. There’s always someone he doesn’t get along with. Apparently, some other server was using his server number when entering tips into the computer. I can’t explain how it works, cuz I’m not familiar with it, but in other words, they were ripping him off of about $25 a day. That saying “what goes around comes around” is entirely true. That’s not just a saying that someone made up to deter people from fucking up. It really is the case, and so maybe this is God’s punishment for his stealing that amount from the Denny’s we worked in together in Chicopee 8 years ago. As for me - I paid my dues for my share of stealing from them in many ways, a long time ago. You know how I struggled financially for years and nearly starved to death upon coming out here.

Andy’s struggled and has been denied love, though. Hasn’t he paid his dues, too?

We found out some mice news that’ll really help out a lot and this way, we won’t be so pressed for time. Well, I may know everything there is to know about guinea pigs, and I know a lot about mice, but not everything. So we took the oldest of the 3 litters into the pet store (Tanner and Spot). Besides, I needed to get a bottle holder. They said they won’t take them till they’re 8 weeks old cuz then they’ll be easier to sell (I thought it’d be the other way around and that people would want them real young), but that they will take any we don’t want. They don’t do trade-ins, so I can’t get female mice in exchange for the male mice, but at least they’ll take them. Meanwhile, the shocking thing we found out was that mice don’t become sexually active for 6 months! I thought it’d be weeks since guinea pigs start at 6 weeks. They go from nursing to screwing and I thought that it’d be that way with mice, too. So, around February 1st, we’ll take all 3 litters in; as they’ll all be 8-10 weeks, and let them take the males.

The asshole next door’s still behaving. Tom thinks it’s cuz the city did say something to them. I don’t know if it’s cuz of that, cuz of the dog, or some other reason, and this is really nice and all that, but how long’s it gonna last?

MONDAY, DECEMBER 1, 1997
Ma just sent a message saying that instead of getting a box for Tom, I’ll get a large box addressed to me on my birthday. Inside will be a box for him which she says is a fun box, so open it together. Then there’s a box inside it that says fragile, and this is for both of us. Also, she’ll call me on my birthday and if they don’t get me, they’ll keep trying.

Still paying for the bed and was woken up for the second day in a row. Yesterday I just woke up for no reason and after a while, I fell back asleep. Today, it was for the basketball game next door, so it’s back to the fan to add to the noise machine. The noise machine doesn’t have the lower motor-like sounds that the fan does to block out such sounds as a bouncing ball that’s just outside the window.

Thank God I got back to sleep and thank God he let me quit smoking. This is gonna be a common occurrence, and if I had to wake up 3-4 times a week like I will from now on when I smoked, I’d be so sick. Now, it’s not as hard on my body. Some things aren’t as easy or aren’t as worth God keeping people like me from, so therefore, he lets us have them but makes us pay for them. I told you there’d be a price to pay for this added piece of normalcy. I knew that if he didn’t wake me up, God would use some other source to get me up, but hey, if I have to get up 3-4 times a week in order to share a bed with my own husband - fine.

Of course, it’s also God’s way of showing me and reminding me that it’s not easy getting up every day, so imagine getting up several times a day, you can’t handle it and aren’t worthy of motherhood. And yes, destiny came as I said it would and to add insult to injury, I woke up to a full flow as well as a ball game.

Once again, it really scares the shit out of me to know that some of us can be forcefully under the control and influence of something so hateful, so mean, and so evil. Something that has no empathy whatsoever and no concern for human emotions at all. This brings me to what my New Year’s resolution is all about. Maybe Tom really did get this bed and is gonna change our insurance with the hopes that it’ll help us towards a child, but I know I’ll never have a child. Nonetheless, instead of having my New Year’s resolution be about losing weight (which God would really never let me do since getting the bed), I’m gonna work on my courage. Or lack of it, rather. As I’ve said, the two basic reasons I’m afraid to see a doctor is cuz A: it won’t get me what I want. B: if I did get what I wanted, there’d be holy hell to pay for it. Still, if there’s the slightest chance that Tom’s sincerer about having a kid than I’ve always believed, it’s the least I can do. If he went through the trouble of getting the bed and is about to go through the hassles of changing our insurance, I’ll try to work around my superstitious fears and not let them hold me back. If I can’t do it for me, I’ll do it for him. My never seeing a doctor isn’t just denying myself the slightest shot at a child, it’s denying Tom that, too.

I don’t know how honest Tom would be with a doctor, though, cuz regardless of what he says, I believe he’s just as scared. Only his is in a different way. I’m afraid that he’ll fight the doctors and either not level with them as far as how our sex lives have been, or he won’t accept their help as far as doing anything to improve that.

Anyway, the bottom line is this - I know that December will hold the usual part-time sex for us and that maybe he’ll cum once in December. I also know I won’t be pregnant. And lastly, I know that God, and maybe Tom too, will try to stall, make excuses, or block any help from a doctor, but I shall do my best to work around all this and work up my courage.

The shitty thing about this ball playing is that it was probably those kids who live in this neighborhood somewhere, which would be worse than if it was visitors of theirs. Cuz if it’s neighborhood kids, they won’t go away. They’ll be playing after school and on weekends till June for all I know, and the freeloader will gladly let them. His car probably wasn’t there when these kids passed by and they just helped themselves to the hoop and started playing. Kids are like that and they will walk up to someone’s hoop and use it until and if someone shoos them away.

Later…

Tom said that 3 seconds after I went back to bed, they quit playing ball. Yeah, I thought that this fan, which is quieter than the one that broke, was doing too good of a job. Great, so now I can’t sleep when the rude neighborhood kids decide to play a few seconds, or maybe a few hours, of basketball when they pass by. I don’t know if they only played for a few minutes cuz perhaps my lock is still wedged in the net, or what?

And the mice count keeps getting higher! Apparently, Cocoa didn’t get that big and has already had her babies. There are definitely two different litters, not counting Ziggy’s two, cuz I got a really good look at them earlier. Between Shy and Cocoa, one had 6 and the other had 5. That’s 16 mice we’ve got!

I moved all the mice back downstairs into the aquarium and later on, Tom and I are gonna get a bottle holder so they can have a more stable water supply down there. This way, with them down there, they can have access to 3 wheels. I also have 3 straight tubes lying at a 45-degree angle so that Ziggy’s two babies can learn to climb. Tanner, as I call Ziggy’s albino baby, really loves to climb up and down this thing, but Spot hasn’t bothered yet. Shy really seems to like this new setup. I’ve never seen her so full of spunk before.

---

Last updated June 16, 2024