October 1997 in 1990s

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 31, 1997
I had a thought, and it wasn’t a very pleasant one either. It’s common knowledge that major changes to the body, be it good or bad, can be quite shocking to it and therefore, cause irregularities. Well, as I’ve said, the Navane and other garbage they had me on when I was in my teens, knocked my period out of the picture for nearly 3 years. This not smoking has caused me to gain weight and be more constipated than usual, and now I’m wondering what it’s gonna do to my cycle.

Tom went down on me earlier and I didn’t even taste “off.” Usually, right before my period, I taste a bit bitter, he says. Well, I’m still 100% sure I’ll have it before the 1st, but I sure do hope to hell I’m not wrong about that, cuz if my cycle disappears, I’m gonna keep gaining weight for damn sure.

Later…

Still no period, but anytime now.

So far, I’ve been wonderfully wrong about the dog returning and even he hasn’t been around much lately, although Tom said he did see a car next door late at night. Tonight, there isn’t one that I know of, so that’s nice. No music lately, either.

We left about an hour before sundown and stopped for a bite to eat at Dairy Queen. Then we went to the mall and oh my God! Traffic and the mall were sooooo mobbed. A lot of the kids go trick or treating at the mall cuz it’s safer.

Tom didn’t find anything for himself, but with my spending money, I got two really nice journals. One with A tie-dye cover and one with bobcat fur (fake, of course). Three colorful hair scrunchies, and that hair removal system that I was gonna get through the mail. We found it in an “as seen on TV” store. So far, the Agia (hair removal system), is a disappointment. I thought it was too good to be true. This is just so far, though, and it may be more promising than I realize now. I didn’t know this, but according to Tom, hair can hang on after death. This means that after I zap the hair with the tweezers, the hair doesn’t want to let go and fall out right away. It says to do this for 20-40 seconds, but it’s taken me many minutes to remove just a couple of tit hairs. They did say though, that if hairs are resistant, to try again the next day. I hope it’ll work out, and if it does, it’ll take me till I’m 60 to get half the hairs I want removed.

We also stopped to look at the bed we’re gonna be getting. This bed is so cool too, as each side has an air mattress inside and you can use controls to make your side either really soft or super firm. I laid down on it and had him toss around on the other side and could only feel very little movement. I think this will work out great and I’m so excited about it. The only thing I’m not looking forward to is you know what. Same old shit as far as sex goes. I’m used to it, although he keeps insisting that we’ll get the bed and all will work out in sex and pregnancy. He sounds so sure of himself! Does he know something I don’t?

Tom also told me that when we switch insurance, which we’re about to do, I can tell a new GYN I may go to that we just started trying. That way I don’t have to lie and say we’re using rubbers, nor do I have to say we haven’t used anything for the last few years and get pressured with questions and all that shit like with Dr. Rugg. Well, I’m not about to be visiting any crotch doctors. I don’t need to. But if we did have the bed for a while, and had things end up the same just like I see, then what would Tom suggest I tell a crotch doctor if I saw one? I guess I’d have to say we use rubbers. That’d be best and the easiest way to get around any personal questions I don’t want to answer and deal with, but hopefully I’ll never have to see one again. I’d never seen one again unless I was pregnant, and then afterward too, but that’s not gonna happen.

Anyway, as soon as we get the Visa card we’re waiting for, he’ll call an 800 number and order the bed for UPS to ship us. Then we’ll go get this matching comforter/sheet set we saw at Sears, where Bob Vila was signing autographs. This guy with a show on home repairs.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 30, 1997
The dizziness and the cravings may have let up a bit, but I didn’t escape the weight gain that almost everyone goes through when they quit. I’m up to a fucking 112 pounds! And the fact that I’m stuck and haven’t gotten my period yet doesn’t help, but I realized I may have miscounted by a day. I think I’m due for my period tomorrow. I have to be, cuz I’m almost never late, so I’ll definitely get it by tomorrow if I don’t start by tonight.

I hope Tom’s right when he says he thinks that the dog isn’t coming back. He thinks they got rid of it when the city started tearing up their yard. Well, that would go with their uncaring nature, to give up a dog like that that they never even wanted, but what about me? I’d still think the burden of the dog would be way worth it to them, just to bother me.

There also hasn’t been a car there when Tom left for work, for two nights in a row. I hope that’s a good sign and this is the same time last year that he slowly began to disappear, only coming around every 2-4 weeks. I wish they’d just break the fuck up for good! If I am in for another peaceful winter till April or May, God’s gonna compensate me for it, just like he compensated me for last winter’s peace by making sure he came back to slam doors, then start with the music again, all the while the dog was yipping away. Well, I’ll pay for it later, since I’ve got to pay for every little thing. And that includes the late-night banging I’ve been doing. Well, I’m not gonna be doing it anymore till and if the music and dog are a real problem again. Also, after I woke up halfway through my sleep to pee, I had a hell of a time falling back to sleep and I know why.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 29, 1997
Tom said he thinks he heard a cement mixer over there filling in their patio and that they’ll be done this week. I think they finished up about an hour ago. The vans are gone and so is the yellow tape (like a crime scene tape barrier) that was tied up to warn people not to fall into the deep trenches they had. So, this means that the dog will be back any minute now, but by the weekend for sure.

So, with my share of the money we agreed to take to spend for fun, I’m gonna buy a box fan for the back room, since the AC one isn’t always gonna be loud enough to block out the barking. Especially the late-night barking. See, this is what I mean when I say I’m so sick of being controlled by others and how I have to “pay” for their noise and alter my life, while they go about their business without a care in the world. I don’t just feel like I’m paying $16 for a box fan that could have good uses that don’t involve anyone else’s noise, but I feel like I’m paying them this $16. I’m always the one to pay.

Meanwhile, the dog’s gonna come back and so will the music and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, cuz Tom won’t let me beat them into submission and cuz this letter he may never send, won’t do shit to stop them. I know when God wants me to fight a fight I can win and when he doesn’t.

I don’t want no fans on from 6 PM-2 AM. But cuz of someone else’s dog, I must have them on so I don’t have to be forced to listen to it.

My “good vibes” about the freeloaders are gone, so as I said, this was all it was about. No one’s moving out of there, I’m sure. If they don’t in the next few months, then they should be here for a long time. I still say they’re not gonna want to give up a subsidized house that easily and the city’s gonna really have to fight to push them out of there. That’s part of it. The other part is that I don’t think they want to leave my side so easily, either, cuz contrary to Tom’s belief, I know they have a ball with sticking their music/dog on me. Another part is that they just don’t care. They don’t care to work a little harder to get out of there and they don’t give a shit about those around them, at the same time they do give a shit about pissing me the fuck off.

I’m gonna go to a Walgreens later to get the fan and to check out their cactus mugs. I saw some the last time I was there that are way nicer than the one I’ve got, and the one I’ve got is nice enough as it is.

Oh, one more thing about the freeloader - I think his latest game is to harass me with his car alarm. I’m not sure about this yet, cuz now my schedule’s in such a way that I’m not up early in the mornings, but there were a few days where I’m pretty sure I heard an alarm go off a few times at early hours. Tom said some other car that was over there did that, but I think that gave El Cocko an idea. We’ll just have to wait and see what he does when he gets back and if it’ll be him or the dog that I’ll have to listen to, or both. He should be banging in anytime now, but this freeloader’s schedule varies.

I’ve got a great library book I’m reading now. An excellent ghost story. So I think I’ll go do some reading for now.

Later…

Just got back from Walgreens where I didn’t find any cactus mugs or box fans. Instead, I found something better than cactus mugs at a dirt cheap, utterly shocking price. I got two cactus figurines made of Plaster of Paris. The white one I got, is the same as the one I got that I painted green, but this one makes mine look sick. It’s got a pink color scheme with a floral bandanna tied around its middle, flowers on the tips of its arms, a vase of flowers by its base, and at the other side of its base, is a figure hunched over with a sombrero. This gave me some ideas for mine, which just has a boring gold chain around its middle. I’ll keep the chain, but I’ll glue some flowers I have on it. I have a wicker jug filled with all kinds of flowers that have been sitting in the music room for ages.

They each cost $10 and the second one’s even more breathtaking. It’s bigger and has more on it. A person hunched over with a sombrero is also on this one and it has flowers, vases, and a coyote with a bandanna around it, all in a really nice bowl that’s 4-5 inches in diameter.

I also got a light pink pair of panties and a deep purple pair. A pink fly swatter, too, since ours ripped.

Tom will soon pick up a box fan (not using my spending money), as well as a Nicorette refill.

Afterward, we stopped at a fast-food place and then came home.

As far as the freeloaders, I heard soft music and a lot of car doors. Then later I heard a car leave with no music. There was no car there when we got back, but I just heard a very loud door slam, so I take it he’s back. What’s weird, though, is that Tom said he didn’t see a car there when he left to go to work at 12:30 last night. At 1:00, I went out and did my rock-banging routine I’m gonna do when I’m up late at night but I guess only she got to hear it if she heard it at all. God may have spared her from hearing it.

The decrease in music and increase in door slamming tells me the dog is on its way back. It’ll be here tomorrow and if not, it’ll definitely be here by the weekend.

More shocking news - my period’s gonna be on time this month. Tomorrow will be the 28-day marker, so I’m 100% sure I’ll get it then cuz I’m almost never late.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 28, 1997
I got my congratulations for not smoking for 3 weeks postcard yesterday. The sad thing about it is that the cravings seem to be getting more powerful. If I’m having powerful urges several times a day at this point, then this is how it’s always gonna be. Tom says it’ll get easier and I hope he’s right, but it doesn’t seem like he will be at this point. I let Marla know I quit, too, and she said she quit smoking after 10 years back in the late 70s. She said it was the hardest thing she ever did.

Once again, I wish there were 3 people to quit for and he keeps saying that there will be and that I won’t even consider returning to smoking by the New Year. Is he ever gonna get over it?! No bed or lack of money worries is gonna change the way he is sexually and the fact that either his conscious or subconscious or both, doesn’t want a kid, and the fact that God doesn’t want me having one. As much as I wish Tom and God could prove me wrong about the sex/kid, just like with getting out here, getting off disability, getting married, and quitting smoking for this long, I just can’t see it.

He says we can still check out and get that bed, but can we? I’ve always known that something up there wants me to work all the harder for the things that are normal and more common, and yesterday’s ordeal proved that. Something’s trying to stall us, that’s for sure. And if we do get the bed, what price will we have to pay for it, besides about $1000?

As far as what the scoop is next door, well it’s pretty weird. First of all, I’m pretty sure that at least he’s been living there all weekend, but the nice thing about it is that I haven’t heard any music since last Saturday. So, I don’t know if this means he’s decided to shut up again or if the music’s been played while I was out, asleep, or under headphones.

Tom’s guess was that the big tree that they’ve got in back (that makes a mess of our yard with its leaves) had roots that got in the way of the sewer pipes, so it fucked up their drains, but it can’t be that bad for him to have stayed there the last couple of nights unless he’s shitting and pissing in a container. Maybe (if the bitch and kids aren’t there and they’re at a friend’s house), he wasn’t liked or welcome over there, or they got into a fight and this was the only place he could go till she returned, but I don’t know. I do know, though, that the music wouldn’t just suddenly stop again so soon and that the dog’s gotta be back sooner or later. I don’t think any of them are moving after all. I think that my vibe had to do with the work they’ve been doing and the temporary absence of the dog, which I’m thoroughly enjoying till the peace is shattered. It’s been pretty peaceful through the days and totally quiet at night, but when that beast gets back, I’ll have to sit and listen to it from dusk till the wee hours of the mornings. As I told Tom, in case he does send a letter to the city, Loverboy is a no-no, but she may be allowed a dog. The NHA allowed you to have one cat or one dog, but they had to be of a certain height/weight.

The story gets even weirder cuz yesterday, they didn’t work at all next door. They’ve been there today, though.

Soon, I’ll be doing a general shopping list for things I’d like to get with what money’s left over after deducting the electrolysis cost and the new cage I just got. I haven’t gotten the electrolysis thing yet, but I got that other cage Play City makes, so now I have all 3 of them. Their big cage is called Play City, their medium cage that I just got is the Town House and the little cage that Mary gave me when I had Gizzy the mouse, is the Fun House. Teddy Bear’s got the aquarium and the Play City and Gizzy have the other two.

Speaking of Gizzy, if anyone ever wanted to rent a paper shredder to destroy any documents, they wouldn’t need to. All they’d have to do is just give it to Gizzy. Instead of eating the paper like the other guys do, he shreds it up to make a nest to burrow in. I think that the reason he likes shredded paper better than sawdust is cuz it’s lighter and that way he doesn’t feel as smothered by burrowing in it.

I gave him a handful of small colorful papers that I had used to write Andy a batch of funny notes to pass out, cuz I thought it’d be nice to see all the pretty colors shredded up and mixed together. I told Andy I’d write new ones up, but then I got a better idea which I began earlier. I inserted frames in a miscellaneous document of mine and then inserted all kinds of different fonts for the text. So, he’ll just have to cut the boxes of funny lines and sayings out and distribute them that way. I’m pretty sure he’ll like this.

I’m also rearranging and reorganizing my convo tapes and labeling them more specifically. So, instead of just writing “Fran & Nervous” when their fights come up, I’ll be more specific and write what the argument was about. That way, if I want to find a certain convo, I can find it easier this way. I’m trying to group different people together too, on the same tapes, rather than have things all mixed in together.

Later…

Well, the bitch is definitely next door. Once again, I don’t see how they can live there with all the shit that’s going on there, but I just heard her being dropped off. And the van is still out there too, so I couldn’t see her cuz she was behind it, but I could hear her. She said something like, “Girl, you just don’t know…” Typical black talk. Then after another minute, the sick black fuck said goodbye to her gal pal and that’s it. He isn’t here yet, but I’m sure he’ll let me know when he arrives cuz like I said, he’s not gonna just suddenly shut up this fast. I just dread the day the dog returns! I wish I could say they gave it away, but I know better. It’s at some friend or relative’s house. Even if they did give it away, they’ll just go out and get another beast.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 27, 1997
Today, my first journal is 10 years old, but unfortunately, my 10-year writing anniversary isn’t going very well. It could be much worse, but a little something happened, just as I saw it would.

Tom was gonna take me to Red Lobster, then we were gonna go look at two different beds, but what did God to stall us and remind me that normalcy just isn’t allowed when it comes to intimate issues? He made sure the axle on the car broke! If God did anything good at all, it was to make sure we didn’t break down way the hell out on Bell Road or something. We broke down a block away and pushed the car back. At every other house, there would be a dog in its yard waiting to let us have it as we passed by. It sounded like a fucking kennel all down the block. People are so cruel!

So now Tom’s taking a bus to his ma’s house to get his car, but his car is fucked up too, as God’s made sure that this family and cars, just don’t go together. He has to push his car, then jump in and push the clutch, in order to get it to start.

Can I ever be with someone who doesn’t drive a piece of shit? Kacey had a nice car, but Ron, Brenda, and everyone I’ve been friends with, except for Kim, drove shitty, beat-up cars.

Regardless of fate stopping and stalling our plans to remind me that there’s a price to pay for meddling with fate if you can, things could be much worse. A decade ago, I was living in a deadly neighborhood, with neighbors ripping me off, and with a bundle of nerves for a friend, with lots of cold and snow, and all kinds of problems.

In other news, I got some more books when I was at Ma’s yesterday, the cravings and dizziness still get pretty fierce, and I’ll update the freeloaders later, but we have no idea what the hell’s going on with them.

Later…

It’s so nice and peaceful out now. Not even the guard dogs are going off every few minutes. It’s sad to know that in just a matter of time, I’ll have to listen to the freeloader’s dog for hours at a time.

Anyway, Tom’s gone to get me some Chinese food to salvage the day, so I’ll write more later.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 25, 1997
God, am I lightheaded! This is getting to be a constant thing and it’s really annoying. Is this from not smoking? Or is this from the gum? The literature said that dizziness is a symptom people have within the first few days of quitting. It’s been 3 weeks, though. You can also get dizzy from an overdose of nicotine, but I’m not even close to that. I doubt very much it’s an ear infection, so what the fuck is it? I hope it goes away real damn soon.

El Cocko made his first needless trip over here today about an hour ago. He let me know it loud and clear and I’m sure he’ll be back again. And again. And again. And again. So, this weekend will be no different than any other weekend will be (unless they bring back the dog and don’t continue with the music), but they can’t party and right now, I don’t have to listen to their dog now either.

I’d write more, but I just feel too out of it to write now, so I’ll do it later.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 24, 1997
Still working away next door. Tom’s guessing now that it could be sewers that they’re working on.

The freeloader came in at around 8 PM last night to get some stuff and he let me know it. Not too loud, but I still heard him. Hopefully, they won’t be able to return this weekend and hopefully, they won’t blast in 8 times a day to get shit over the weekend, either. I wouldn’t put that past them, though, and even if they didn’t need something, they’d come over in regard to me anyway.

Tom said that he’s gonna send the letter off about a week after the construction people leave so that the city doesn’t think we mistook the sounds of the stereo for work they’re doing. He also told me he doesn’t do something to fail and that he’s not gonna send the letter to make me happy (although that’ll be one of its side effects), he’s gonna send the letter to get results. Well, I hope so and that he’s not being unrealistically confident like he tends to be. I told him, though, that if it doesn’t work - he at least tried, and that’s what matters. I also reminded him of God’s insistence that I deal with other people’s noise, too. He says that he thinks she was never moving, but he doesn’t know about him or the dog. Also, he’ll mention the dog too, if it does return. Oh, I’m sure it will. He, dog, and music, will return. And I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t stop the music cuz I had the dog to listen to, too. I’m sure they’ll want to give me a double whammy to catch me up on lost dog/music time.

Speaking of being made to catch up on lost phone and waiting time - the pest is back. First he calls while I’m cleaning. I call him back and he said he’ll call me back in 5 minutes after he put in a load of laundry. Instead, I wait and wait and put my shit on hold while he decides to stuff his face with food. Then we finally talked, and of course, he had to be a pest later on, too, and call twice at night.

He didn’t have time to fill me in on his trip, but he said it was great.

He got fired from his job over the sexual harassment thing and has to go job hunting. He even admits he’s guilty too, so hopefully he’ll learn to shut up in his next job. You gotta be real damn desperate, though, to sexually harass a guy you’re not even attracted to. Andy wouldn’t kid me about that part, either, but how could you sexually tease someone you don’t even want? If he ever gets fired again for the same thing, I hope it’s over someone he felt was gorgeous, and makes it more worth it.

Andy also said he was really proud of me for not smoking, but boy I’ll tell you, yesterday was a bad day. I really had some pretty frequent and powerful urges and I told Tom I’d give it till January (after I let time prove he’s full of shit for the thousandth time over this kid he says I’ll conceive by the end of December), then see whether or not I want to keep not smoking.

Around the same time I stopped smoking, I sure have been getting a lot of dizzy spells. Yesterday we put alcohol and peroxide in my ear, in case it’s an inner ear infection, so hopefully, that’ll improve. Dizziness is part of quitting, though, cuz the brain’s getting all this extra oxygen it’s not used to yet.

When I was on SS, they used to harass me with these bullshit overpayment notices at set intervals. Well, I’ve been done with them for over 3 years now, but they still harass me with these bullshit overpayment notices. This is the same notice I’ve gotten before where they’re trying to claim I owe them $32.

Tom’s out now taking his ma to her doctor’s appointment. She sent home two Dean Koontz books for me yesterday. One of them I already read, so he’s gonna give it to Mary who’s having him work like crazy on her car during the poor guy’s vacation. She’s paying him real damn well, though. I don’t know if I’ll like the other one, but hopefully I will. Ma got two big boxes of books from Bobby, so I’ll have to go over and check them out sometime.

Ma also sent home a sandwich maker. I guess it’s for making grilled cheese sandwiches.

This Sunday, my parents, Tammy, Larry, Kim and more, will be just two hours later than us and not 3 since our clocks never change here.

Mama Cat and the kittens are still not as fearful of me as they were at first, but they’re not running up to be petted and played with, either. The kittens are so cute when they play together. At first, they always used to be at the side of the house and sometimes they still play there, but for the most part, they stay by the hedges that are almost parallel to the patio. The clothesline is right in front of these hedges and the hedges are against the block wall that separates our yard from the freeloaders. I hung a couple of pieces of yarn from the clothesline for them to play with. And I no longer have their food/water dishes by the hedges. I have them just at the start of the patio and I’ll move it closer to the door little by little and see if they get more used to me and more friendly.

Bunny’s outside now and will spend most of his days out there cuz this is the perfect time of year for that and he won’t want to come in till sundown.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 23, 1997
The construction people just arrived for the day next door. We’re still not sure what they’re doing, but we also don’t see how El Cocko or anyone could be living over there. They’ve got the whole backyard torn up. So, that explains the packing of the trunk I saw and the absence of the dog and my vibe. But does this mean they’re all moved out and not coming back? Or does it mean that they’ll be back with no dog but with music? Or does it mean that they’ll be back with the dog and but with no music? Or does it mean that they’ll be back to stick me with a double whammy of both dog and music? If they don’t come back, will it stay a city-owned house or will a buyer get it? And what type of problems will the next family bring if a new family does move in, be it owners or subsidized people?

Did that freeloader return to his music for those several days that he did, cuz he said, “Fuck it. We’re out of here anyway.” Or did he return to the music cuz of the dog being gone? Perhaps it was both, but the music did start right when the dog left.

Later…

Right now Tom’s amazing me with his determination and commitment to cleaning out the patio storeroom.

According to Tom, who tried to get us online, it’s not AOL that’s the problem. It’s our modem. So he may get us a new one. That’s right God, just keep on breaking our stuff.

We screwed earlier and of course, nothing’s changed with that, although we have had sex more often lately. That’s how it sometimes is, but I still have to see the bed and lack of money worries be his cure to believe it. He said that if I weren’t pregnant by January or February, then he’d wonder if something was up with one of us and discuss us getting the first stages of the basic testing going and that we’ll also be switching insurance soon and he’ll make sure we get the one that offers the best of the baby-making and baby caring stuff. Right! I know him and I know that come January or February, his excuse to do nothing will be cuz we didn’t get the opportunity to screw much. And there’ll be reasons why he just couldn’t cum that much yet. And of course God will help this along and ensure that something does come up to get in our way of keeping up with the sex and shit like that.

Also amazingly, I’m still not smoking, but I still have strong urges. They usually don’t last long at all, but they can be pretty damn annoying and it seems like today they’ve been more frequent. Tom disagrees, but I think that this is the way it’s gonna be from now on if I continue not to smoke. I think it’s pretty much tapered off to being how it’ll be and that it’ll be on my mind on and off and that I’ll have about 10-15 urges a day. It’ll be OK as long as I can keep from smoking. If I have to think about it, I’ll be OK if I can just think and not do.

They’re still working next door, doing God only knows what. When I went to see the cats that sit right by the block wall, I could smell cigarette smoke. I instinctively backed away, without really thinking about it. I guess that’s good. It’s a pity, though, that these houses have to be that close, although smells aren’t a problem to live with like noise is. However, if I had one of the bedroom windows open while someone was sitting in their living room smoking with an open window, I’d smell it easily.

Later…

The two guard dogs have been quieter. Something I surely can’t complain about. They’re usually barking up a storm during the days at this time of year.

Still working next door. However, I don’t see the construction vans at this time. I just see a purple pickup out front, but I heard a couple of guys talking over there. Who the hell they are, beats me, and why this truck is there instead of the vans, beats me, too. I’d say that yes, they definitely weren’t living over there the last 2-3 days. Like I said, he was packing the trunk after all. We’re pretty sure no one can live there while they’re doing whatever they’re doing, cuz it looks like they’d have to shut off the water or the electricity or both. I’d guess that this will be their last day there, so now all we have to do is see if the freeloaders return. I wonder if this few-day absence was all I was “vibing” after all. If the freeloaders do return, whether or not it’s with the dog, boy are they gonna let me know it! I’m sure they’ll come blasting in as that’ll be their way of saying, “I’m back!” Everyone wants attention and to be heard, anyway. Everyone wants others to know they’re there, that’s for sure.

I hope it’ll go to buyers if the freeloaders really are gone, but I somehow doubt that they are gone. If it went to buyers, the people would be a little more likely to give a damn about others around here, than welfare bums, and the house may stay empty for a while in between, giving me time to get Andy to get me a good lock for that hoop. If the freeloaders are gone, and if the city keeps the place, the new batch of welfare scums will be moving in there in just a matter of days. In fact, if it was known that the freeloaders would be gone as of a few days ago when they started tearing the place up, it’s already been re-rented, and if they’re done today, then tomorrow we’ll probably see the new batch of scums move in. If not, then by early next week at the latest we will.

Later…

They’re still working next door and Tom and I still don’t have a clue as to what they’re doing. From the looks of it, though, Tom’s certain that I’ve got days, even weeks, before the freeloader returns. I shall enjoy the peace till their return and return they will since Tom saw that the kid’s toys are still out front. Aside from the fact that they’re no doubt pretty sure that the noise going on is pissing me off and getting a kick out of that (but the noise isn’t pissing me off. It would if it woke me up, though), they are gonna be so anxious to get back here cuz the days that pass where they couldn’t piss me off are gonna really get to them. Boy, are they gonna live it up with the music, dog and maybe even both when they return. They are not happy about my not being able to hear from them, I can assure you that much.

Another thing that we saw was that they didn’t enclose their yard.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 22, 1997
Oh, those assholes at AOL! Always a problem with them. Alex finished reading the Oswego and Woodside journals and is ready for me to send more, yet I can’t even do that.

When Tom was in the military, his superior was trying to fuck him out of time off that was rightfully his. Everyone told him that there wouldn’t be a damn thing he could do about it, either, but they were wrong. So, he insists that there is something that can be done about next door’s music. Of course, one will get the run around if you try calling a government office over the phone, but government letter correspondences cannot be destroyed; they must legally be dealt with, etc.

Tom just doesn’t understand what it’s like to be under the influence of a God who insists she lives with other people’s noise day in and day out, year after year. He doesn’t believe in fate, he’s tolerant of noise, and he doesn’t understand that there are consequences for trying to fight what the Gods have ordered. Noise is just what the Gods have ordered. And there’s just no escaping it. Just like I told Tom, who agreed that this was possible, even if they moved right now, some new source of shit and noise is gonna move right in there. The only way out of it is to live more secluded, but I don’t know if God will ever allow us to do that. And what if I could? What if I could live where our neighbors were off in the distance and couldn’t be a problem for us as far as noise went? What would God do to me to compensate for my getting around him? If you try to get around fate or if you do get around fate, there’s always a price to pay for it.

Later…

Another thing I said would happen that did happen was based on how God doesn’t give without taking. He let me let myself give my lungs back to me and in exchange for it, he gave me the music for taking the pain of the cigarettes from me. This all goes to prove that no, God will not reward me with a child for quitting smoking. Why is it that it seems that the more people do bad, the more you get rewarded for that? I don’t, but it seems that most get rewarded with great things for being bad, but those that deserve great things more, just never get them. I may not be as desperate for a child as I once was, but I’d still take it if I could get it. I’m just not gonna go out of my way to try to get it (a doctor) cuz I know it won’t get me anywhere and if it did, I know how fucked up that kid would come out. He’s not gonna give that to someone who’s wanted that for years without a serious drawback to it. The price of that may very well be something that’d kill us both to have to pay.

Another thing that’s really sad about this unfair world and about God too, is that it’s one thing to do shit to get shit back that you deserve, but it’s another to not do shit and still get shit, anyway.

Later…

Got an update that may make my vibe about a change next door make sense.

Since 7 AM those construction trucks have been over there and this time, what they did would’ve woken me up for sure, had I been asleep. In fact, I’m sure next door is laughing their asses off about it, assuming it woke me up or pissed me off.

I never heard next door leave this morning, but they would’ve had to have left before 7:00, cuz there was some other weird-looking truck parked just outside the carport. Even Tom’s stumped as to what they could be doing, but when he went to check on the leak, which is half fixed and looking promising for once after we got rain, he said he saw them digging up trenches in the backyard and also, that thing he said was a slide, isn’t a slide. It’s a backhoe. At first, he thought they were sandblasting the house to prep it for painting since the city loves to waste money. Anyway, he’s not sure what the hell they’re doing. They could be doing something with the gas line or maybe putting in a sprinkler system to spruce it up to try to sell it to a buyer if the sick fucks are really about to move, but who knows.

Tom said that this explains why the dog’s gone. If they’re not moving, though, and if the dog returns, I’ll have to listen to its annoying barking, but at least that should stop the music, which I haven’t yet heard today, to my utter amazement. I said “yet,” though, cuz I’m sure they aren’t temporarily staying elsewhere or have moved yet. Tom brought up another theory about the music that I wondered myself, given the absence of the dog, all this work they’re doing, the packing shit in the trunk, etc. Maybe he figured, “Well, we’re out of here soon anyway, so I’m gonna blast my music for her till we do leave.”

Anyway, if they are gone, or just he’s gone, or if the dog returns, we’ll know it within a few days at least, I’d think. Later Tom will get up on the roof again to see if he can figure out what they’re doing and what it may mean. I still have a feeling about them moving, but whether or not it remains owned by the city, there’ll still be problems from over there. The only difference will be that if it’s subsidized people, there’ll be more turnovers and more of them to deal with. If it’s a buyer, it’ll be a long-term family to have to deal with. Well, God’s stuck me with screaming kids, bassy music and dogs. What’ll be next? The same thing or college kids that party hearty all the time and loud motorcycles? If it stays black over there that means we’ll still have to deal with bass. They fucking love that shit. If it turns Spanish, we’ll be back to Mormon land, as they’ve only got a hundred kids, but there’ll be kids and dogs either way.

Tom’s out signing the papers for the loan and after he stops at his ma’s, he’ll be back.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 21, 1997
Andy will be back in a day or two. It’s too soon. I need a longer break from his calls.

Tom said that next door won’t play loud music every time they come and go like they used to. It’s true that they sometimes come and go quietly, but I was right when I said I’d hear music every day at least twice. All cuz the dog is no longer there. Jesus, some people! They just gotta do shit to you to let you know they’re there. Yeah well, it’s my turn to let them know that I’m here too, and I’ve been regularly belting the clothesline pole for a good 20 seconds or so in the wee hours of the night. The only thing that worries me about this is that maybe this isn’t bothering them. I should think they’d have to hear it loud and clear, but is it waking them up? I know it’d wake me up in a flash, but everyone’s different and very few people sleep as light as I do. Another thing I worry about is God punishing me for this. Remember, behavior that’s acceptable from most isn’t acceptable from me and God may feel that this is way out of line for me. It’s OK for most people, I’m sure, but I don’t know if I can get away with this. If something starts waking me up or if more things than usual begin going wrong, then I’ll stop.

In case you’re thinking - she’s doing this at night to get them to realize it’s cuz of their music, and she hopes this will stop them - that’s not the case. As long as there’s no dog there, the music will be an everyday thing, just like I said and knew it’d be, per orders of them and God. I’m doing it cuz I’m tired of this 1-sided annoyance deal. If I have to be annoyed and even pissed off by hearing them, they’re gonna have to hear my shit too. It may not wake them up or piss them off or annoy them, but it’s gonna be a two-way street here from now on.

I still wonder about this dog, though. I don’t think God’s ever freed me of a dog’s barking after just a few months. If it’s there, it’s being kept indoors at all times, which is something nobody here would do. Given the fact that the music stopped when the dog came and the music started when the dog left, did they borrow this dog to do this? Or are they having someone else hold it for a while, then plan to go get it and swap back again? These sick fucks really would do this, too. Did one of them decide they didn’t like the dog and that it wasn’t worth the hassle of feeding and scooping up its shit? Did it break free and run off? Did someone else get fed up with its late-night barking and kill it? I doubt that cuz if that were the case, I’d have heard movement of some kind from over there if that had happened while I was up and I’d be blamed for it.

Well, enough freeloader talk for now and on to better things, like last night’s gambling.

At just after 4 AM, we went to the Gila River Casino, which was more crowded than we thought it’d be for an early Monday morning.

I thought that the smell of cigarette smoke and the sight of others smoking might tempt me, but not at all! And it actually smelled kind of gross, too.

Anyway, he won $15 and I won $75. He lost what he won and I lost most of what I won, save a $20 bill he gave me to begin with. So, after an hour and a half, we quit and went to McDonald’s for breakfast. Then we went to Wal-Mart where I got two new hideaways, 3 straight tubes, and a T-tube. This week I’ll get that other medium-size cage I want and it’s only $17. The big one I got a few months ago was $22 and the little one Mary gave me was around $14. I also may get more curved tubes, but maybe not. Mary might take Tom’s bed and give me extra tubes and stuff like that for it.

I also talked to Mom yesterday who said we need a new screen door, I should paint the kitchen, we shouldn’t feed the cats, and we should put the house up for sale and make a move. Tom doesn’t have to bass our moving on the stocks, she says. I wish it were that easy to move, but unfortunately, we have a good 4-8 more years here. Tom says that in January he’ll have a better guess as to when we’ll move, but I know that all his timetable guesses are bullshit. I also know what my vibes tell me about moving. Just like they do with the kid and that just cuz I’m not smoking and just cuz we might be getting a new bed, Tom’s Tom and fate’s fate, but that’s OK at this day and age.

Later…

Just a quick update on the freeloaders. First, though, we went to Ma’s and I cut her nails for her. She gave me a puzzle too, that she’d already done, but it was one I once had and did myself. It was still very nice of her to give it to me.

After Ma’s, we went to the library where I picked up a couple of books and Tom verified that yes, the freeloader’s house is owned by the city. Now, they could very well be city workers, but it’s quite unlikely. It’s no doubt a case of her being on subsidized housing and Loverboy is probably not supposed to be there. Tom, who says he’s gonna send the city a letter (this I’ve got to see), said that this letter may help to get rid of him or all of them, but there’s a catch. I believe, that this letter won’t accomplish shit and if it did, the city would replace them instantly since there are so many bums out there with kids that need a subsidized place. And they would never put just one person in that 3-bedroom house, who’s in my old shoes and who wants to better their lives. They’d put a family over there with adults that just don’t give a shit and they’ll no doubt be far from white, too.

I called a housing number and asked who to talk to regarding complaining about their noise and was referred to another number, but they told me to call the police. That’s what’s gonna happen with this letter, too. I’m sure of it. Either no one’s gonna respond to it in any way shape or form, or they’ll send us a reply saying to call the police. You can only complain about zoning violations and that means stuff like old roofs, etc.

So, what I’m saying is that if Tom ever does send the city a letter, which he may do in 10 years or may never do at all, it’s not gonna do us a damn bit of good and God will be there to see to it, too. God will never allow me any peace from neighbors and as long as there’s no dog there, the music will be an everyday thing. I know I’m right about their intentions, even though Tom tells me I’m wrong. They did just what I knew they’d do. I said to myself that if for some reason the dog was ever gone, the music would start right back up again and it did. I’m not being paranoid here. I know what I’m saying.

It looks like they may have also put up a slide in their backyard and Tom said it doesn’t mean they still may not move in a few months or so, cuz you can move them easily. Again, there were also construction trucks there, too, and I smelled the odor of freshly cut wood, so maybe they did finally enclose their yard.

I told Tom I feared that they’d hang onto that house for years since subsidized housing is hard to come by, but he says it’s the other way around. They’re now getting strict with giving people public assistance and would put a time limit on them to encourage them to move on. Yeah, but if they do move on, new trouble comes right back in there with a new set of rude, selfish, inconsiderate, noise-making sick fucks.

SUNDAY, OCTOBER 19, 1997
I just made mashed potatoes and brownies. I made the mashed potatoes cuz I saw a commercial where they added chicken broth to it, instead of butter. So I wanted to try it, but it wasn’t all that great.

In freeloader news, he didn’t play any more music yesterday that we know of, but tonight was a different story. Tom said he didn’t hear any music all day and that all he heard were car doors. Then at 10 PM, while he was still asleep, the freeloader came blasting in and loaded up his trunk. A half-hour later he left again with the music softer. Then he returned at 1:30 with no music and has been there ever since. I guess he’s now back to parking just outside the carport too, now that the weather’s cooled down. Still no dog, either.

As hard as it was to keep myself from going out there and kicking his ass and believe me, I wanted to soooooooooooo bad, I got a theory. This could be pure wishful thinking, but perhaps he’s moving out if they all aren’t, and maybe the dog is at the new place. Also, it was around this time last year that he was gone till around May or so.

Anyway, I decided that it was high time they heard annoying noise from me. So, I went outside and beat a rock on the clothesline pole. Something they had to have heard unless they’re unbelievably heavy sleepers.

Not this morning at around 3 AM, but tomorrow morning at this time, we’re gonna go take about $30 each and have fun gambling at one of the casinos on the Indian reservation. Ma gave us a pill bottle full of dimes and a little coffee jar full of nickels. That was very nice of her.

Ma also gave us some jokes she got off the computer. Most of them were boring, but some were funny. More so than jokes, they were funny bumper stickers seen all over and funny medical and political sayings. I’ll send the medical ones to Kim and the rest will go to Bob.

In my mom’s message to me a couple of days ago, she asked if I was still not smoking and said that if I’d gotten this far, I’ve got it licked. Yes, I think so too, even though I still have strong urges here and there. They pass quickly enough, though. Just a few hours ago, I hit my two-week marker!

I also got more mail from the Nicorette program. I didn’t expect anything else till next week, but then I realized they were playing catch up. I didn’t call them for the stuff right away, so now they’ve got the mailings timed to the date I quit. The pamphlet I got was what you’re supposed to get after your second week of not smoking. It was a pamphlet of basically the same things I’ve already read about - reasons why you shouldn’t smoke, other people’s stories about quitting, etc. There was also a postcard in which they ask you if you’re still not smoking and how many pieces of gum a day you’re using. This is so they can send you stuff to help with relapses.

The neon yellow plastic ball that little critters use to run around in broke. It had a few big cracks, so Tom picked up two new clear balls so that they can run around together.

Mama Cat and the kittens are still here and I was even able to play with White Feet with a long piece of twig, but Blackie’s much timider and won’t get that close to me. Anyway, I’m still feeding and watering them, but I don’t think any of them will ever want to live inside the house with us.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 17, 1997
In just another 24 hours it’ll be two weeks since I last smoked. Wow!

Now for my shitty news - it’s back. They swapped back to their old shit and now I’ve got the music to listen to, rather than the dog.

Last night I had no fans on from 9:45 at night and all the way into the next day. To my utter shock, I never heard one bark from next door. Not one. Then, at 7:30 he left with his music playing loud and came back in at 10:15 doing the same thing. When he came back then, I opened the door and looked out at him to make sure it really was him, and am pretty sure he saw me, too. Then, I heard 3 door slams a few minutes later, suggesting he came to pick up his bitch and the kid, then he left. I fell asleep before his return, which I’m sure was plenty loud enough.

So basically, we’re back to the same old shit and I’ll have to listen to the music 2, 4, or more times a day and if they don’t move around the new year, they’re not going anywhere. As far as Tom believes, the dog’s still there and this is just a one-time thing that can legally be dealt with. As far as I’m concerned, they may have gotten rid of the dog for whatever reason and therefore, they’re back to the music. I told you I knew that both they and God decided that it’d either be the dog or the music. This isn’t gonna go away. I know this isn’t a one-time deal and that it’ll be a constant problem every day of every week and I don’t believe him when he says it can be dealt with. Nothing can or will stop these sick fucks whether the dog’s gone or not. They just don’t care. This is the shit I have to deal with while we’re here and I know better - if they left right now, someone else would come in doing something else. Tom said they’re not doing it deliberately since they don’t consider others when it comes to doing what they do, but just in case I’m right about it being deliberate, don’t go to the door and give them a reaction, he says. No, they don’t give a shit about others, but yes, they are gearing this at me. They both reacted in a very typical way, right when I first asked them to lower the music. A classic reaction for big-city people especially and that’s that he didn’t give a shit, and she got pissed. If someone from another state asked me how people here take to being asked to lower noise, the answer I’d give would be simple: They either won’t give a shit or they’ll get so pissed off that they not only won’t want a damn thing to do with you, but if you didn’t know any better, you’d think you ripped them off and fucked over their family members for them to be that pissed at you. No matter how nicely you ask someone to lower noise, 95% of them won’t, cuz they just don’t care or will get furious over it.

This black bitch decided she hated me before she ever met me. She wasn’t here yet when I first asked him to turn his music down, which he obviously told her about later, and there it was, right from the get-go - sheer hatred and anger for me. I could see it in her whole demeanor and expression. All over a simple, reasonable, stupid little request that never should’ve become such a goddamn big deal. If they keep up with this selfish, rude, inconsiderate attitude, they’re gonna have a hard life, but that’s their problem.

Yesterday was exactly 6 weeks ago that me and his bitch had our screaming match. I knew deep down that this would happen and that if they didn’t start back with the music right away, then they’d wait a while to try to keep it from being obvious, but I’m not stupid. I know it’s aimed at me. They may like loud music anyway, and not give a shit about others, but I know what I’m in for from here on out and it is aimed at me. Tom said they wouldn’t get rid of the dog and return to the music overnight. Why wouldn’t they? If the dog is gone, then I’ll bet that after that time I let them have it early that morning, they borrowed the dog from someone, stopped the music, and then decided that yesterday was a good day to change back to their old ways. I know they quieted down with the music before the dog got here, but that’s mainly only cuz he wasn’t here. He returned pretty much at the same time the dog got here and people are sick, so they would let someone borrow their dog to harass someone else with it. People out here couldn’t care less about their dogs.

I told Tom that he’s welcome to go find out who owns the house and to log their regular blast ins and outs, and I will too if he wants, but that no amount of legal complaining’s gonna stop this. I’ve also known that since 1991, God’s insisted that I live with some kind of noise problem, and this time, I know the consequences of trying to fight fate, I know that even if I could fight this and win that God would replace it with something else to bother me, and I’m not gonna give God the satisfaction of giving him the reaction he wants and expects, and I’m not gonna give it to these sick freeloaders either like I did with the dog. They got just what they wanted and expected from me and now that’s over with, and we’re back to the original source of harassment. I think. This beast still may very well be there and be a problem too, in addition to the music. We’ll see.

I can’t fight God and win, no legal action would work, talking to them did no good, Tom won’t let me beat the shit out of them and end it for good that way, so rather than try to fight a fight I can’t win and give God and the freeloaders the reaction they want, I’ll just live with it for the 4-8 more years that I’m here.

Tom says that if we move to where we’re more secluded, not to scare me or say it’s bad, but there’d be more bugs and maybe even things like rattlesnakes. Well, as scary as that is, I’ll take that over dogs, music, screaming, and ball games that are just a few feet away, cuz that’s something that can be dealt with and avoided.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 16, 1997
I just went and downloaded a few old Linda pictures and put them into my wallpaper thing. Tom hasn’t set up the thing he said he was gonna set up yet for making the pictures look better, cuz he’d been busy, but I didn’t need it anyway. They look fine as they are.

For the thousandth time, I had to restrain myself from going next door and pummeling those freeloaders. Who the fuck do they think they are with their dog?! Someone’s got to teach them that they can’t just not give a shit about others around them and I hope Tom’s sincere when he says he’ll help me. He and I both agreed that the most logical thing to do at first would be to go to the library and see who owns that house. However, I’m afraid that he’s gonna conveniently not be able to find this out, but I know this has to be a matter of public information. Their computers are hooked up to a special government thing and other things that home PCs can’t access. I don’t know how all this shit works, but I know he does. I’m still afraid I’m gonna get some excuse from him as to why he couldn’t find out either at all or for sure who owns the house and how to contact the owner about their shit if it is a city or landlord-owned house.

Once again, my going off about the dog was what they both wanted and expected and this was also her excuse to go off on me, too. She wasn’t pissed at me for threatening this dog she’s supposed to love so much. It was the principal of the point and I still know that they got this dog in regard to me. They don’t give a shit about this dog, cuz if they did they wouldn’t leave it outside 24/7 first of all. Secondly, if I had a dog that someone threatened to shoot, even if I believed that they were just saying that to vent their steam, I wouldn’t take any chances if I loved that dog. I’d haul the dog indoors and I’d either beat the shit out of them or I’d take the matter to court. Although the courts don’t operate on threats. They only do something if something’s actually done to an animal or a person and it has to be proven, but even then, it’s iffy.

The only thing that makes no sense is why this dog first started off not being a problem. Tom says that as the weather gets cooler, it’ll settle down at night. Well, it hasn’t been that hot, and even if it did settle down as it got cooler, it’s gonna get hot again in just a handful of months and then I’ll have to sit and deal with the same old shit for many months and I don’t think so!

Like I said, I should have beat the shit out of them over a year ago, but since I promised Tom I wouldn’t, I should’ve only asked them once about the first source of rude noise which was the music, then got their asses into court for that and then the dog. Still, though, I don’t see how going to court or filing a complaint anywhere is gonna do a damn bit of good even though Tom says it will and that noise can easily be dealt with. These people just don’t care. They won’t listen to a neighbor, they won’t listen to a judge, they won’t listen to anyone. I’ll bet if they had a dying parent over there that asked them to shut it up, they’d pitch a fit on that too, and keep on doing as they please only.

What they’re up to is just too damn obvious here. The doors and the dog began right after I hauled off about their early morning music and the music’s been virtually non-existent since then. I appreciate the fact that they did something about the music from the bottom of my heart, but this doesn’t mean that they had to go and do something else, either. And I don’t know for sure that the lack of music is cuz of me. It could be for any reason. So like I said before, I know they had it in mind to swap in the music for the dog and doors. Also, before the dog, he’d always park either just outside or just inside the carport and he’d never go door slamming so much. But now he slams the doors and parks deep into the carport where he knows the sound will funnel better. Something else just hit me tonight about why he chose to park deep in the carport. Cuz it’s right next to the window that’s lit up the most. There are 3 windows on their side. The two bedrooms and the back room. The two bedrooms are often dark cuz we’re only in one of them to sleep for the most part, and the other to listen to music, which I do in the dark. Also, there’s foil and soundproofing stuff up in those windows. The back room, however, is the room we use the most, besides the living room. It’s always lit up and he saw this and decided to park by the room he sees that we use the most.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 15, 1997
Today Tom picked me up my second gum refill. The starter kit costs about $46 and the refills are about $30.

I also got my first of all those mailings I’m supposed to get. It had a customized booklet on quitting smoking with my name all over it to personalize it, a “congratulations for deciding to quit” letter, and a coupon for toothpaste with a tooth whitener in it.

In case I forgot to mention - Gizzy’s a male gerbil. That’s what they had written on the receipt, so I guess I got all male animals. Inside the house, anyway.

A while back I had mentioned us getting a free movie for the next 6 months from one of the pay-per-view channels, but it doesn’t look like we can cuz our cable box isn’t suited for that.

Tom got us a new microwave today and it’s a nice one. It’s very powerful like the other one was and cost $140. It’s got some really neat features that I didn’t even know existed. It’s got a sensor reheat, a sensor popcorn, etc. As usual, though, those sensor things don’t work too well. The sensor popcorn made a damn good guess that was close, but not quite. It’s black, so spots on it won’t show up as much as they did with our old white one. It’s also a carousel, too. At this time, I’ve got a long tunnel separating the little and medium cages. Teddy Bear has the aquarium and the little cage. Gizzy has the tunnel, the medium cage, and two rings on top of that. He likes to sit up top the rings, now that he can climb straight down and any way he pleases. I’m glad these things are so inquisitive, too, cuz they never fail to check out every inch of any new setups I create.

Why is Tom so wonderful, so helpful, so smart, so supportive, yet such a liar? Now he’s telling me I’ll be pregnant for sure in December unless a meteor strikes the house and kills us. Well, maybe someday he’ll admit his true feelings and all about why he won’t cum much and realize I’m sterile.

Even though I know better, and even though God allowed me to take control of my life/body with the elimination of the smokes, something’s different this time. This time there’s something different about the way he told me this. Regardless of whether or not I’m OK, could he have planned this? I mean he obviously knew those few times he let go at prime time that we could’ve made a kid since he thinks I’m fertile but was he hoping I’d quit smoking soon enough, then wait a few months afterward to really let go when the bulk of the shit from the cigarettes would be out of my system? Well, we’ll see if he avoids prime time till December’s prime time, then cums more often.

Later…

It’s about that time now when the freeloader’s beast will be going off till 10:30 or even till 1 AM. It’d be so peaceful for the next 12 or so hours if only that fucking beast weren’t in the picture.

My slow, clumsy, klutz of a hamster never liked the red plastic wheel that came with the last cage I got. It’s tilted too much. However, it seems that Gizzy just may like it. He surely can balance himself on it better, since he’s smaller and has a tail.

Tom read his second John Saul book and liked it, and now God’s acting like there’s a pregnancy to dodge once again. By the time we get around to screwing again, it’ll be too late for a normal woman.

Tom’s really happy, though, that after working for years to get us well off financially, we finally are. I’m happy, too, but I still don’t buy it when he says that this and the bed will change our sex lives. And anyway, we still have one more step to hope to get through as far as getting this loan goes. A guy came today to do an appraisal of the house, but if that doesn’t work out, bye-bye loan.

A few days ago I quit the prevention inhaler (Ventolin) and all I have to take once or twice a day is the Proventil if I get a slight wheeze, but I don’t even have to take that if I don’t want to.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 14, 1997
I know I haven’t written much lately. It’s still hard to follow old routines, but it is getting easier. Overall, this is still the easiest quitting smoking’s ever been for me, but it does have its hard moments, that’s for sure. I’m going on day 10 now, amazingly, and I thought it was about time I caught up with the writing.

Let me start with the assholes and get them out of the way first. The beast has been taking some fits between the hours of 10 PM - 1 AM and as I told Tom, it’s time to take them to court, since he insists he doesn’t want me to set them straight.

Who the fuck do these freeloaders think they are?! First they come in here like they own the block, then they act like I asked them to shoot their parents when I asked them to turn down the music, then this thing with the dog has her running over here, telling me to shut up and that she doesn’t want to know I exist, yet it’s OK for me to have to know she exists by me having to listen to her dog, and their car horns and talking. I don’t think so! Somebody’s got to set this bitch straight. I mean, you just can’t do that. You can’t go into some neighborhood and be this uncooperative and selfish. You can’t go to someone’s door, whether or not they threatened your dog, and tell them to shut up (I still don’t know why I didn’t beat the shit out of her and I still kind of wish I did). You also can’t tell someone that you don’t want to know they exist while you keep on sticking noise on them of different sources. Well, it’s a two-way street here and these assholes better learn this or else they will get their asses kicked someday by some neighbor. If it weren’t for Tom, they’d be mincemeat but one of these days, they’re gonna fuck with someone like me who won’t have a Tom to consider.

Tom says he’s seen the dog leashed to a stake that’s in the center of the yard. It can reach all edges of the yard. He also said he saw construction service trucks over there on Monday and that he heard hammering. He said that he didn’t know what they were doing, but hoped they were having their yard enclosed. That wouldn’t stop them from putting the dog in the carport if they wanted to.

As I’ve said before, I know there’s good and bad in all kinds of colors, races, nationalities, etc., and I loved Steve and thought he was a great guy (he lived across from me on Woodside Terrace), but most of these blackies are sick pups. If they’re not religious fanatics, they’re into some kind of crime, or they’re selfish, rude, bitches just like with what we got next door. Most of them are, anyway.

Leave it to a sick bitch like her to be with a phony wimp like he is, too. Someone she can push around and control. A guy who would be all smiles and say “Sure. No problem,” about turning down the music, which was such phony bullshit, is just her type of man.

Speaking of Mr. Phony and Miss Bitch, well, I guess they had a little squabble at just after 10 PM. I heard them wheel in their recycle bin and why they did it so late, beats me. Right before this, though, I heard a door slam, so maybe he came home, pulled it in if it’s his job to do, then she heard him come in and went running out to bitch at him. No, I’m not sure it was an argument since the bitch always speaks aggressively and always seems to be pissed at something, but I still think she was mad at him. He sounded annoyed and a bit defensive, while she sounded pissed. Maybe she thought he oughta be in earlier than 10:00. Anyway, the wuss of a guy seemed like he did not want to deal with her, but I know these smiling phony dudes. I’ll bet he got off on my screaming match with his bitch and I’ll bet he got off on blasting me out and with my asking him to turn it down. That, as well as the fact that he too, is a selfish, rude, bastard.

I still have a feeling, though, that something’s to be changing within that house real soon, but I don’t know what. Things would be fine if they continued to keep the music down and if the dog shut up between 6 PM - 1 AM. It’s quiet during the days and unless that’s gonna change, and unless it’s gonna be like the other two will be any time now, barking till sunup to sundown, it’d be fine. That’s all I’d need would be for the two dogs to ruin the days cuz they will any day now, then have to sit and listen to the freeloader’s beast all night.

Later…

I talked to Andy, who’s now off in the friendly skies. I won’t miss the frequent calls/messages. I know no law says I have to call or respond to his messages, it’s just that I’d feel I was being rude if I didn’t at least reply to whatever he has to say. He is my best friend still, and I do care about him.

It’s been wonderfully quiet in the near hour that I’ve been sitting here in the back room, but of course, that’s subject to change at any second.

Andy’s happy that I’m now going on my 10th day of not smoking, as is my dad who I talked to today after getting their package. He said that about after a month, people can light up in front of me and it won’t faze me.

I got two valances, as I believe they’re called, that you put in between the mattress and the box spring and that set of sheets. It doesn’t match the comforter, though, like we thought. Also, there was no bedding of theirs and I can’t believe they can’t find it. How can you lose brand-new bedding?

They also sent a couple more of those cute mini wind chimes (a monkey and a panda), a few other odds and ends, and a Mary Higgins Clark book. This came with good timing too, cuz I wanted to check her out, as I heard she might write similar to John Saul and so far, I like this book of hers I’m reading.

It took Gizzy a little time to learn to go down the tubes. He could go straight up, but not straight down. I had to teach him by slowly making the incline steeper and steeper. He’s so cute to watch as he runs through all his tubes. Teddy Bear’s different. He just likes a piece of tube to sleep in if he isn’t sleeping in the hideaway or elsewhere, but he doesn’t go running through tubes for the hell of it like Gizzy does. He’s so fast, too, compared to the slow, clumsy T-Bear and he’s the fastest on the wheel, too. Even a bit faster than Gizzy the mouse was.

Let’s see…the washer and dryer broke, then the car, then the TV, and now this TV and VCR are fucked up. Then the vacuum broke and I’m sure other things have broken that have slipped my mind at this time. A few days ago I was sitting around and asked God what he was gonna break next and I thought about what he could possibly hit next and today he made his choice. He made sure our microwave broke and he’s fucking with the car again, too.

Like I told Tammy, she and her family have repeated health problems and meanwhile, our stuff keeps breaking.

Now Tom “thinks” and “believes” in his “opinion,” that I’ll be pregnant in December. Oh please! Doesn’t this guy ever get sick of this shit? And how does he expect this to happen with me being sterile and with him too afraid to cum? By magic? By God suddenly loving us? I’m pleased that God decided to have the kindness to allow me to allow myself to quit smoking, but this doesn’t mean he’s gonna be like, “Sure, go ahead. Use your body and plumbing to your heart’s desire. Do what you want with your life. Have a kid.” He’s been more patient and understanding with me and supportive of my not smoking, which I more than appreciate, but to say that the bed’s what’s gonna help him, and not having to worry about money (even though he says we always could’ve afforded a kid), will really help him, is BS. He’s not only always got an excuse, but he’s got a BS “answer” too, for what’ll make him cum more. He’ll cum more when he wants to and isn’t afraid to.

SATURDAY, OCTOBER 11, 1997
I woke up with an upset belly, but hopefully the Chinese food he got will help.

The door slamming hasn’t begun yet and the dog’s been quiet. That’s cuz it’s saving all its energy so it can bark from 6 PM-midnight. We’re getting ready to go to court here, I swear! It’s either that, or I go over there and beat the holy snot out of them, and I know Tom would rather I didn’t.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 10, 1997
Today’s one of those days where I’m tired and don’t feel like doing too much of anything, so I may not write for too long.

To get the less pleasant things out of the way first - the asshole’s dog is pretty quiet during the daytime. 2-3 hours in the early evening is a different story.

Coming into the weekend gets my nerves going, as usual, and this is the second night in a row I thought I heard music at a so-so volume, but can’t be sure if it was them. Off we go to court, though, if the music does become a problem.

As for them moving in December, well, I’m beginning to doubt that cuz wouldn’t there be a for-rent or for-sale sign up by now? I also can’t imagine God seeing to it that I only had to put up with this beast for 2-3 more months. I’d think he’d want to compensate me for the two wonderful years there was no dog there and for the lack of music (if it stays that way). Not that he couldn’t ensure the new neighbor’s music and dog drove me nuts if they were to move.

Given the fact that we’re doing the best we’ve ever done financially since we got married, and given the fact that I’m approaching day 7 with no cigarettes, it’s almost scary. Things seem too good to be true and I’m afraid some shit will hit the fan, whether it’s due to the freeloaders or something else and I wonder if I’ll be able to get through it without smoking.

Tom also insists he’s “100% sure” that the bed and the not smoking is the key to his dick cumming more and the key to God allowing us a child. Oh, come on! Doesn’t he think I know better? He’ll say anything to keep me off the cigarettes. And I also wonder how I’ll handle not smoking as the months go by and I see how much I continue to be right about that.

If I’m still not smoking on Sunday, that’ll mark the longest I’ve ever gone without smoking. It’s unbelievable. Totally unreal to me and I guess I’m still shocked. It hasn’t really hit me yet. I sure do love waking up able to breathe, though, and not needing inhalers. No more constant coughing, tightness, wheezing or congestion, either.

Mom and Dad left a message on AOL wishing me a happy Jewish New Year and once again, I wonder if Ma’s not senile or something. She said that in the package of bedding she sent me, she may have accidentally sent her new bedding, too! Jesus! Anyway, she asked for me to ship any white/yellow checkered bedding back that I may get and said she’d pay the postage. I told her not to worry about the postage and that I’d ship it back to her.

As I said, I’ve been feeling lazy and tired today and will do the dishes, the grocery list and some cooking tomorrow. Right now I could sure go for a cup of hot chocolate, so I’ll return later to tell you all about our new black Mongolian gerbil, Gizzy!

Later…

I did get the dishes done, after all.

Gizzy’s half the size of Teddy Bear and probably won’t get as big. He’s all black with just a tiny dot of white on the chest and two front paws. This, or if they’re all black, is how you know what kind of gerbil it is (Tom researched this online).

T-Bear may like and get along with Bunny and Spunky, but he’s not very fond of Gizzy and the feeling’s mutual. I was right when I said they wouldn’t kill each other, but they really loved bullying each other around. So, they’re together, but separate. I put a clear, grated cap in between them, so they can get nose to nose, but not shove each other around and hiss about each other. T-Bear’s the one that hisses. We read that hamsters don’t get along with other hamsters (although gerbils love other gerbils), so maybe Gizzy’s scent is too much like a hamster’s, cuz T-Bear loves Bunny and Spunky.

Anyway, I also got another little cactus figurine. This one’s made of plastic and has two little purple silk flowers on it. Not for their cage, of course, but for decoration.

I got another wire wheel too, as the purple, red and yellow ones are screwed up. The wire ones are the best. My first wire one was all pink. This one - the wheel was magenta, but the stand was purple. So I made them both of two different colors and have one that’s pink and purple and the other’s magenta and pink.

Gizzy’s in the medium-sized cage and has more tubes to use than T-Bear and T-Bear’s in the aquarium and little cage.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 8, 1997
Well, this dog that I thought wasn’t so bad after all, was a different story last night. For about an hour or two in the early evening yesterday, it just wouldn’t shut the fuck up! Then, I heard it again at midnight for a while, but I just ran and blasted my music and sang my heart out to try to deal with it that way without me freaking out. Then today, as I was over seeing the kittens, it heard me and started barking, nearly scaring the shit out of me.

I’m trying to keep my promise to Tom, but it is sooo hard. If I could just have 5 minutes with them, their dog’s barking would be a thing of the past and there’d be no chance of them ever returning to blasting in and out of here. It wouldn’t ruin our filing for a line of credit by causing them to complain, etc. like Tom said. However, if I hear that dog after 10 PM more than once in a blue moon, I’ll be over there. And the poor little black bitch will know I exist, alright.

Ma sent a message thanking us for the instructions and said she got a re-dialer that’s just 25¢ a call and a far cry from Sprint.

Mom and Dad only type in either all lower or all upper-case letters. This time it was all caps.

Tom’s mom also sent home a picture of her, dad, and Tom at the racetrack, standing by one of Tom’s honorary horses. It’s in a nice frame and is on the shelf with other pictures.

Tom said that this is guessing very conservatively, but he says that the bed should be delivered by November 3rd or 4th. Something will come up to delay that too, I’m sure, but I hope not. For once, I hope not. We’ve waited long enough for this.

Finally! Andy’s to be leaving PHX on the 13th and he’ll be in Springfield from the 14th-18th. Then early on the 18th, he’ll be going to New York to see Xena (I take it Michelle’s still going with him). Then he’ll be driving back to PHX on the 19th and he expects to arrive here on the 22nd.

Later…

It’s a gorgeous day of about 80º. I put Bunny outside for a little while and changed the cat’s water and gave them more food. Mama Cat now lets me get within a few feet of her, but she still hisses at me when I do. The kittens still shy away from me, too. They’ve grown a little since they were here when we had that huge storm, and they’re so cute! I fried up some chicken a few days ago, before Tom got cat and kitten food, and gave them some of that, and Mama Cat devoured that in no time.

They’re still having that buy-one-get-one-free deal on bread, so the birds are still getting bread. The good thing about it is that they’re not messing up the patio. I’ve got them held back on the lawn by throwing their food out there to them and they don’t bother with coming onto the patio.

Another withdrawal symptom I’m having is dizziness. That’s due to the brain suddenly getting all this extra oxygen that it’s not used to getting. At least I’m not stuck for a second day in a row. I took two shits earlier.

Tom says that another reason, in his eyes, that would cause God to be more willing to allow us a child, is cuz of how I’d be trying to quit for just me in the past, but this time I’m quitting for me, him and for a kid. Well, I still don’t see him budging on that, cuz if God hasn’t yet found me deserving and ready for it, then how could he ever? Yes, it does make sense, like I said before, that he’d give someone a child after they quit smoking, but then there’ll be something else that’ll make sense, then something else, cuz that’s the way it always works. So what about the things that made sense before I quit? If it is a case of God waiting for me to quit smoking, why did he wait till now to give me the strength to allow myself to quit? Why not years ago? Also, if quitting smoking is the key to a child in God’s eyes, I’ll know by January at the latest. If I’m not pregnant by then, then I’m still right about it not being fated to be.

We’ll also see just how much this really does affect Tom’s performance in bed too, or if he just said it would in order to motivate me. I really hope not, cuz although I’m used to the way things are and don’t expect them to change just cuz I stopped smoking, I don’t like bullshit motivational tactics, either.

There are a lot of ways that I can analyze and view this whole thing. I mean, I do feel like I’m being prepared for something, but the thing that seems most logical kind of scares me. What if God’s preparing me for some major tragedy like some accident or illness that he feels I’d die from if I smoked? This could be to prepare me for something terrible to come too, but we’ll see in time if it’s to survive something bad, to help something good, or simply just because.

Later…

Well, we just got done screwing. I didn’t cum cuz I’m not as horny after my period, and of course, he didn’t either. He said that’d take a few weeks to change. Mhm. Sure. I’ve heard this before a million times.

I’m taping a movie right now so I don’t have to watch all the baby commercials. Sex and babies are the last things I need to be dealing with right now.

It’s now been 95 hours since my last smoke. How unreal it seems.

I doubt it, but can’t be sure if the beast barked up a storm this evening. I had fans on so I wouldn’t have to be bothered with hearing anything that may piss me the hell off. Tom said the early evening barking will stop as the weather cools down. He says that when it’s really hot, the thing’s being still and lazy, building up energy for barking fits as it gets cooler at sundown. But, now that it’s getting cooler, it shouldn’t bark more during the day, but it should bark less at night. Whatever, I mean, I just wish the dog and them would drop dead and that that house would stay empty till we moved, but life’s all about wishing and dreaming.

Soon, I’ll be stopping all letters to Paula. Except for Larry, I’m not gonna have a one-sided pen pal deal here, and for all I know, that PO Box may not even belong to her anymore. Not with how much she moves around. So, just like with Shelly, no letters from me till and if I ever hear from her.

Entry by Tom -

I’m taking time away from reading my book to write this entry. I’m so proud of the way you have stopped smoking. I’m sure that things are going to get better. I should be able to get the washers changed on Friday and most of the branches picked up as well. I think I had better close out this entry and start getting ready for work. I love you.

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 7, 1997
Boy, has our weather changed overnight. This is the kind of weather our sick freeloaders won’t appreciate. I hope. He’s never been living here past - what? Wasn’t it around late October or early November that he moved and only came around for visits every 1-3 weeks? Nonetheless, it’s gone from hot to chilly and I’ll bet that tonight, it’ll be too cold to be out sleeveless. I even have the cooler on vent and not on cool right now.

Things have been peaceful around here. I just hope that God will be understanding of my rather fragile situation now and that he’ll hold off the next phone call about any more deaths or problems of a serious nature. And any other problems, too.

This is day 3 of not smoking and it sure is a challenge. It’s definitely the hardest thing I’ve ever done and it makes losing weight, learning to draw, and learning sign language and Spanish seem like a piece of cake. Having and raising a child may be the hardest thing to do, but this is surely runner-up. Tom, who says I’m Wonder Woman, says I can do both. I don’t know about that.

After letting Andy know I was trying to quit smoking, he left me quite a self-absorbed message yesterday, telling me how frustrated he is that he has no car, no sex, etc. Not that I don’t care or know what it’s like to have hardships, but I told him not to take it personally if he doesn’t hear much from me, since I’m trying to avoid things I’d associate with smoking. I just can’t sit and play phone with him or be held up from things I’ve got to do, which I’m way behind on. I haven’t been doing much, though, cuz this not smoking thing has made me tired. Then, I wondered if he even got my messages (Laura could’ve erased them) about what happened with Lisa and with the not smoking and then he returned the message saying he was sorry to hear about Lisa, will try to see Tammy and all of them when he goes back east, and that’s impressive that I’ve quit smoking, but don’t feel bad if I fail.

I’d feel miserable if I failed, but anything’s possible. Tom thinks this is it, but Andy’s a pessimist like me and may be that way about the not smoking for a while, as well as a bit jealous. This is understandable, though. I’m just trying to take it one step at a time and not tell myself I’ll succeed or I’ll fail. Just that I hope to succeed.

I just hope Andy leaves soon enough. He said he feels like this trip is never gonna happen, but his ma left him a message saying she was car hunting for him, so hopefully he’ll be gone and will feel better once he gets his new car. I hope God will allow him to have a life when he returns, too. If he could just meet that perfect guy and have more things to do besides work, smoke pot and talk on the phone, then he’ll be happier and maybe he won’t bug me so much with calls.

Anyway, I am breathing better and my nose is clearer. My skin also seems a bit softer, too. I’m at 108 pounds and sure to keep climbing. One thing at a time, though, so I’m not worrying right now about weight, exercise, or anything like that. All I’m worried about is not smoking and staying at least active/busy enough and not eating like a pig. I haven’t eaten more than I usually do, though, but we’ll just see where my weight goes in time if I continue to succeed with not smoking.

The Nicorette came with a lot more than it did when I last tried it back east. It had a booklet about the gum and was full of motivational stuff when I got it before, and it not only had that this time too, but it had a tape of the booklet as well. It also had stickers to stick on your calendar to remind you when to begin each of the 3 steps. You’re supposed to be on the gum for 12 weeks, but after 6 weeks, you drop the gum from one piece every 1-2 hours to one piece every 2-4 hours. Then on weeks 10-12, I have one piece every 4-8 hours.

The booklet also had a personal ID number where you can call an 800 number to get a personalized stop-smoking plan. Over a 12-week course, you get a stop-smoking plan, a newsletter with people’s stories about quitting, a motivational postcard, more tips on quitting, a congratulations packet with weight-loss tips, and an award certificate. They also ask you questions like, are you quitting for better health? To save money?

After I had the relapse after going 29 hours, I had 7 cigarettes till I quit again for the last time 6 hours later at 11 PM on October 4th. I put the cigarettes out in the garage and asked Tom to hide them, which he did. When he gets up, though, I’ll tell him he can now destroy them. Even though I’ve only had 7 cigarettes since 1 PM on Friday, my quit time is officially 11 PM on Saturday, cuz I haven’t had any cigarettes since then.

Tom always told me that if I ask him to get me cigarettes, he will, and that as long as I try my best, that’s what’s important to him. He’s been a great support, very cheerful, positive, etc.

Tom says he feels better himself and that he’s peppier and less congested when he wakes up. I love not being so tight and wheezy and congested. The two withdrawal symptoms I’ve had the most are trouble concentrating and fatigue, but it could be worse. At least I don’t have headaches and stomach upsets like I thought I would. I was stuck 3 days ago, and today, but the last two days I had no problem and hopefully I won’t stay stuck much longer.

I had asked for a puzzle instead of the gerbil, so I could keep my hands busy, but I guess that Tom’s still gonna get me a gerbil if I’m still not smoking this Friday. I got the puzzle really cheap at just $3, but I still have a hard time doing things that require concentration, so I’ll try again some other time.

Later…

One of the side effects of this gum, besides heartburn, is hiccups. Especially if you chew too fast. So I have to sometimes take the gum out and swallow water upside down a few times to get rid of them.

Ma sent home with Tom a beautiful pitcher with cactuses on it today. I washed it out as it was quite dusty and it’s now sitting on top of the frig.

Tom trimmed the tree out front and got a lot done around here. He even sorted through the file box and in it, was a packet of all different colored paper used for origami. I’m using them for letters to Bob and to keep track of when I take the Nicorette.

I got letters from Bob and Kim, but why does Kim keep sending me Bob’s boring letters? I told her she didn’t need to bother, but oh well.

I’m gonna take a popcorn break, then will be back to continue on.

Later…

Oh, the urge to smoke after popcorn is bad! I just popped a piece of the gum and that’ll help, but perhaps I should wait on the popcorn.

I called Ma the other day who wanted to know why she got $200 from AOL added to her phone bill. I guess she’s using an access number that’s not local cuz like she said, she’s supposed to pay a flat-rate fee of $19.95 a month and all she spent was $50 to have someone set up their computer (and Tom could’ve done it for free). Tom sent her a message on what to do.

Speaking of money, we got a line of credit which we’ll probably always have, so if the AC died, or we needed money for whatever, it’s there. Naturally, though, we have to pay it back in payments. Things always take longer than you plan, though, if they happen at all, so I guess the bed’s gonna be delayed for at least two more weeks since it takes 14 days for the guy to process everything. Tom didn’t think it’d take that long.

I guess that wasn’t their dog I heard yesterday that I thought was inside. When I went out earlier, I heard that same dog and thought it was theirs inside their house, but then I heard it, very loud and clear, just over the wall at just about 1-2 feet away. So, this was really some other dog with a similar bark that was at a distance. If there’s anything positive I could say about their dog, it’s that it’s not the problem I thought it’d be. It doesn’t bark as much as I thought it would and I’m sure that the winter won’t be any different. The only difference there’ll be is that at any moment, those two dogs will be at it every other 5 minutes from sunup to sundown.

At around 5:30 I headed over there with water. Remember the cats are in between the two houses, and while I was there, I heard an adult male voice and a female child’s voice and saw a ball head for the hoop, but only once, then it went dead quiet. It could’ve been kids passing by, but I doubt it. I think it was the little girl and the teenage boy.

The kittens, as well as Mama Cat, seem to be warming up to me and I’m bringing them food, milk and water regularly. Tom picked up cat food today. It’ll still be a while, if ever, before I can just walk up and pat any of them.

Naturally, Tom’s running around saying he’s 100% sure I’ll be getting pregnant soon and that my quitting smoking will help ensure this, cuz it’ll make our sex better and more frequent. As I told him, I don’t believe anything till I see it, just like I wouldn’t believe I’d go 3 days without smoking out here in AZ till I did. I don’t believe I’ll go 4 days, either, till I see it. Tom is naturally gonna say anything pleasant to my ears if it’ll help to motivate me to quit and stay that way, although I do feel more positive about it. It makes sense that if God were just waiting for the right time that now’s it, but I still don’t see how my quitting smoking’s gonna change a damn thing in that department. It’s the things that make sense that don’t seem to happen nearly as much as the things that don’t make sense. It’s the senseless things that occur all the time.

I asked Tom how he could still want a kid despite all the shit that goes on in this world and he said that that’s just life. He has a point, but I’m not gonna be worrying about no kid till and if I see it, and I have more important things to worry about right now and that’s that I stay off the cigarettes.

MONDAY, OCTOBER 6, 1997
I don’t know if I can concentrate on writing right now, but I’ll try. The reason I haven’t written in a few days is that I’ve quit smoking. Yes, you heard right, as shocking as it is.

Friday morning, I was really in a bad mood over what happened with Lisa, and I thought I’d help myself to feel better by going to the library, but that day God was in no mood to help me help myself. I ended up feeling worse, as I couldn’t even hear myself think in the library. Whatever happened to the be-quiet-in-libraries policy? You don’t bring a baby to a library. I mean, how rude! You leave your screaming babies at home and have consideration for others. But of course, no one seems to have that these days. Especially in Phoenix.

Anyway, Tom got one other John Saul book I thought he’d like (I can’t believe I got him into my favorite author and that he’s reading another book of his), then we went to Walgreens where we got the Nicorette gum.

I began at 1 PM Friday and made it 29 hours without smoking. Then I relapsed and smoked 7 cigarettes from 5 PM - 11 PM, then quit again. I haven’t had any cigarettes since 11 PM last night, which is almost 34 hours ago.

It’s tough at times. It really is. I still can’t concentrate well and am still having trouble staying focused without getting fidgety, so I’ll write more later.

Later…

OK, let’s see if I can bring myself to write some more now. It’s hard. It’s hard to do much of anything that requires concentration at this time.

Got my period early, as usual. This time, it was a whole 5 days early.

The kittens that Mama Cat had moved are back by the side of the house again. I gave her some tuna and some milk. Tom mentioned getting some dry cat food and letting the kittens decide whether or not they ever want to be our cats. Well, I just went around to the side of the house. I saw Mama Cat run off just as I went out, but when I went over to the side to see the kittens - they didn’t want to see me. They ran and hid in the bricks that are stacked up over there, but I left some more tuna there, anyway. Hopefully, they’ll warm up to me in time.

I couldn’t believe what I just heard while at the side of the house, but to my utter astonishment, it sounded like the dog was inside. Inside the house! It was barking, of course, and I could also hear sprinklers. At 10:30, they gave me a door slam, but last Friday they left at 7 AM, so maybe they don’t work every weekday or maybe their schedule varies, but someone’s gotta be over there. Or else they wouldn’t have sprinklers on and they wouldn’t have the dog inside where it couldn’t get out to do its business.

I wrote Kim and Paula a letter, but even that was a struggle. My mind kept wandering and I’ve been tired, too. After 18 years of having stimulants, the body has to relearn how to make its own energy. If I weren’t hyper to begin with, I’d be even more tired, I’m sure.

FRIDAY, OCTOBER 3, 1997
Let me get the good news out of the way before I get into the shitty news.

I got the first package my parents sent yesterday. My favorite thing was this little figurine of cactuses and flowers.

There were also 5 really cute little mini wind chimes. There were two floral ones, a rabbit, a dog, and an angel. They came with suction cups, but since they really do “suck” and don’t stay up, I hung them outside.

There was a windsock and a windsock spinner, which came with good timing. I had to retire my old windsock that got all faded and torn, so I put this new one up on the clothesline. I had a mini windsock that they sent when I was at the Vista, but that was faded and shredded too, so I put the spinner in its place on the patio.

They sent a couple of beach towels, a flag, a little Tupperware jar, pictures of Becky and Sarah, and a mauve-colored lamp. The lampshade got a bit dented up on its way here.

Lastly, they sent a keyboard wristrest. It’s gray, not a pretty color, but it’s nice and soft and velvety. However, I’m having a hard time getting used to it, although I’m sure Tom will like it a lot.

It was great to be able to turn around and send them a message about it right away, rather than have to take notes for my next letter to them.

Ma’s got a couple of computer questions for Tom. She wants a re-dialer for when AOL’s busy and she wants to know of a way to set things up so she doesn’t have to keep typing her password continuously. I know this can be set up so she doesn’t have to do this and I told her I think that the re-dialer is something she has to download from AOL, but that Tom will let her know for sure. He said he went on last night to email them, but AOL crashed, so he’ll do it today. We’ll see about that, but I hope so.

OK, here’s my shitty news and believe me, I’ve never before looked at my sterility as such a gift, rather than a curse.

Lisa was sexually assaulted at school yesterday. At school! Where kids are supposed to be safe. The definition of sexual assault is that she was not penetrated, thank God, but the fact that she was touched is bad enough.

What is it with God harassing and hurting this family when it comes to sexual issues and children? He’s hexed so many of us sexually, he killed my brother’s kid, he’s caused other problems for Tammy’s kids, sterilized me, and now this shit! How can any God inflict so much pain and hatred?! When’s he gonna leave this family the fuck alone?!

Well, like I said, he can sterilize me all he wants. I’m not gonna have a kid just so he can kill it, too. If we had a girl, it’d be sexually assaulted or raped. If we had a boy, it’d do the sexual assaulting and the raping for all I know, among all the other problems they’d have and create and you know me - if I had a daughter that was hurt sexually, I’d kill her attacker and if I had a son that put its hands or dick where it didn’t belong, I’d hack its hands and dick right off its body. Besides, it’s hard to imagine anything coming from me, coming out normal. I mean, with my luck, it’d be born with its left leg where its right arm was supposed to be.

Tammy doesn’t know what’ll happen from here. She said there are a lot of scenarios that could happen from here, but I think she knows like I do that the justice system is a complete flop. A total fuck-up. These animals are incurable, so they won’t be executed or put away for life like they should be. Even if it did any jail time, which I doubt, it’ll just get out and do it again.

Kids aren’t safe at home, they’re not safe at school, they’re not safe from God. It’s sick. It really is and if Tom goes on about birth control when he gets home and I tell him about this, I’m gonna be really pissed even more. He knows I know I’m sterile. You don’t put contraceptives over sterility, and it’d be just like me getting a perm. I’m sure he’ll be even more hesitant about cumming, but fine, let him do what he wants, cuz I know that no matter how much or how little he cums, I’m safe and God can keep this child from me all he wants. I don’t want him to give me a child just so he can hurt or kill it.

This is a little town that this happened in, so I can only imagine what goes on in mid-sized towns and big cities like Phoenix.

Just like Tammy’s told her the bullshit story of how I was supposed to have pulled off a gerbil’s tail when I was little and asked her to tape it back on when Lisa’s GP died to make her feel better. And just like she told her I tried killing myself when she found out she was thinking about it, there’s a chance she may tell Lisa that someone tried raping me in Agawam in the late 80s. I told her that I know she won’t make Lisa feel like it’s her fault and that she won’t push her away when she needs to talk, but that if she wanted to tell her about me and let her know that Lisa could talk to me too, anytime she wanted to, that’s fine.

Later…

As for the pictures of Becky and Sarah - Sarah looked cute, but Becky looked horrible. She looks like a little chipmunk with the way her teeth are, and her hair looked awful, too. It’s short, uneven disarray that looks like a wig someone just plopped on top of her head.

The HS sent me 5 cute holiday cards with animals on them. They’ll probably go to mom and dad, Tammy and her family, Larry and his family, Andy, Bob and Kim.

THURSDAY, OCTOBER 2, 1997
Tom took Mom to buy a new vacuum, too, and with it, she got a hand vacuum that she sent home to us. It’s awesome! It’s got a long cord and is way better than the battery ones. The battery ones die so fast and you’ve got to keep it plugged into a charger. This is great for picking up stray bits of sawdust that the animals kick out of their cages.

Later…

Great. Just great. Now I’m 106 lbs. Why has God taken such control over my body? Why won’t he just allow me to lose weight? It used to be that I’d lose weight on days that I didn’t eat much. I used to weigh less when I’d wake up. I shouldn’t be going to bed and waking up at the same weight, so why does he insist I hold this extra weight? Can’t I just get down to 100 lbs.? Will I ever get down there again? Well, obviously not, and obviously he doesn’t want me to for some reason. My body belongs to him. It’s totally in his control.

Andy left me a message yesterday telling me that he was pissed to notice Laura took $20 from him. He talked to the boyfriend about it who told him that she’s done that before and always replaces the money. He said a few days later, she did replace the $20. Once again, and as I told him, this is what he’s gonna get with most people, let alone a druggie, and also, he should be going to his roommate with problems he has with her and not the boyfriend or me first.

Later…

In my written gay journal that I’ve typed here too, along with all the others, the page I’m on now says: The day we stop resisting our instincts, we’ll have learned how to live. What about those who are forced to resist their instincts? Huh? Guess I’ll never learn how to live.

I also got a kick out of the quote that talked about people being under the illusion that gays want sex and straights want love. Everyone wants sex. That’s all the bulk of the population wants, regardless of sexual preference.

Anyway, I’ve been thinking of Andy and I feel really mad and bad for him. Both God and people really have double standards with some people. What’s acceptable of most just isn’t acceptable of all. Leave it to him to not be able to get away with the same types of conversations that the others can get away with, even though he does have a big mouth. And once again, if all good things come to those who wait, and if God wants to see love in this world and wants to help those who help themselves, where’s he been all Andy’s life? Where’s the love and other good things he’s been waiting for?

Andy also told me that some cook teasingly pinches his tit, he doesn’t like it, but he doesn’t go running to file a complaint about it. Yeah, I know what he’s saying. He wouldn’t, but the bulk of the world would, cuz he, like me and a few others in this world, isn’t allowed to get away with doing wrong and we’re not allowed to have the normal everyday things in life. I also don’t believe in running to the courts to solve your problems for the most part, if you can help it. I can see if some company owes you money or something like that and you go to small claims court, but I really would’ve preferred to beat the shit out of them last year than even discuss court with Tom, but I felt obligated to make the promise of not hurting them to him. It meant that much to him, although, if I went to court over the dog or the music, first of all, they’d more than likely do nothing. Second of all, even if they took away their dog and car (if they were still blasting in and out of here), and fined them, they’d just pay the fines and get a new dog and car. And if they didn’t, they’d go get some other source of noise. And also, this would increase the risk of them doing anything to the house, whereas if I kicked their asses, they’d be too scared and embarrassed to even come near this house. Well, nearer than the 3 feet that these psychos already are.

I know what it’s like to be under the submission of fear, pain, and anger, cuz I’ve been attacked before. It’s wrong when it comes to children, but sometimes other adults must put fear and pain into other adults in order to get them to do right and I know firsthand that it works. Back when I was either a child or too much of a damn wimp to fight back, I was either scared or hurt enough to do exactly what I was told to do. Fear and pain will control someone and if you’re mad enough and if you really want to, you can take just about anyone you want to and drive enough pain and fear into them to keep them in line.

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 1, 1997
Andy left me a message saying it’s been a “long time” since we talked and that he has things to tell me that he doesn’t want to discuss on the machine. So I called him back and said it had only been 4 or 5 days since we talked. He said it had been 6 days. Wow! I told him I liked that, though, cuz it made it more fun to talk when we finally do, but if he could have his way, he’d talk to me for hours just about every day. No thanks. That’s too much for me and that gets boring. Besides, I like to do other things.

His parents still haven’t found him a car and this sexual harassment thing with this guy at work, isn’t over like he thought it was. The guy transferred to another restaurant, but he’s filed a formal complaint within the company. A man from Human Resources came in to interview everyone. Andy said he seemed like a fair man, but that this Spanish interpreter that interviewed some other employee seemed to give him both shocking and disgusting looks.

He said he was pissed off that he couldn’t be a part of all the interviews and know what they were saying, since it’s about him, and he’s worried that pages of the explicit sexual things he’s discussed with others will be written. I told him to let people use their brains and pens to think and write what they want. He knows the truth. Also, these cases are very hard to prove and usually, in most criminal cases, the defendant has more rights than the plaintiff does. They get more protection, freedom and privileges.

I hear him when he says that all the workers there constantly talk about sex, it’s everyone’s favorite subject, the world is full of sluts, I know he was just spilling his sexual life to this guy that spilled his first, and that this guy’s not his type, but it’s an unfair world. I can’t get away with the things most people get away with and it appears that he can’t either. It’s one thing to be yourself, but it’s another to open your mouth in the workplace and get involved in any personal discussions. Like I said, a lot of people can do that with no problem, but some can’t. He’s got to shut up and accept the fact that he can’t get away with the discussions that most people can get away with.

It’s really too bad that he can’t find love so that he’s not so bored and lonely, but then again, he may very well go to work spilling the details of what he did with that love, too. Still, it’d be nice if God allowed him some true love in his life, but he obviously doesn’t care to and won’t be helping him any more than he’d ever help me with my dreams. Why God feels such a need to control us, beats me. Why would any God want to deny the things that all people should have to anyone? Things like love and children that especially the good and deserving people should have.

I finished proofreading the Vista file and have 40 journals left to go. Some are short and some are long.

My weight’s still holding at 104 lbs. I don’t know if I’ll ever lose anymore. I could if I were willing to either starve myself or work out for hours a day, but I’m just too lazy to do either of these things.

Unfortunately, Tom proved that he does hold out and lie about things. He held out on telling me after I commented on how cruel it was to leave a dog outside 24/7, that when he was working on the roof, he saw her come out and take the dog inside (probably only cuz they saw him on the roof and were afraid he might shoot the fucking thing). He said he held out on telling me this cuz I seem to get angry when he mentions them. Well, he has a point, cuz I can’t stand these people, but what else has he held out on? If I was asleep and he was to hear their music, would he tell me? Or would he cover for them for fear of me harming them? Or did he make up seeing her take the dog inside for the simple sake of loving to argue/disagree with me?

On the second day that I was really tight, he offered to switch back to the cooler, but I told him I’d be fine when I gave this place a thorough cleaning. Then, he said that he’d like to switch back for him. Now, I can see that he saw that I felt guilty about the idea of costing too much money and that he wanted to do what he thought was best to make me feel better, but he’s told me that if he lived here himself, he’d never use the AC and I believe that. So see? He would lie to get his way.

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Last updated June 16, 2024