January 1997 in 1990s

FRIDAY, JANUARY 31, 1997
I don’t have too much to say now. I’m just hanging out doing the usual. Tom said it’s OK for me to cry, but what will help him is to see that I don’t blow up in a bad way (feel like dying), but I don’t know. I’m doing well so far and my rag is 8 or 9 days away. So, we’ll see how I am emotionally, which is fine so far. My boobs are barely sore and the pre-cramps have yet to start. I’m sure they will, though, in another 4-5 days.

A part of me believes he’ll cum more often, but it’ll take quite a while. Another part of me doesn’t feel he’ll cum more often. It’s hard to believe he will, but since that’s what I said about him ever cumming, we’ll see. Pregnancy is still just such a fantasy and just one big dream. If it weren’t meant to be just a dream in the first place, it would’ve happened by now and not been just a dream as long as it has been.

Those damn little birds! I made the mistake of putting seeds into their bird feeders and now they won’t buzz off. I quit feeding them, but they still try stealing my bird’s seeds.

Later…

Now I weigh 106. And all for eating just a little more today than I did yesterday. I still wouldn’t be surprised if 106 was the new faithful number. Meanwhile, I’ve usually weighed 104 for the last several months. I haven’t even weighed 100 or lower for about 8 months and it seems like the possibility of returning to 100 or lower is getting slimmer and slimmer. Well, there have been times when I’ve lost weight without even trying. Maybe that’ll happen again, but I don’t see it. Plus, I am now in my 30s.

I’ve been taking Benadryl at night to help keep my schedule as steady as possible till after next Thursday. Just 6 more days do I have to try and hope I don’t wake up before 2 PM. I got up at 9 AM today.

I wonder if next door will return for the weekend. I hope not, cuz I know neither of them works on weekends and if they’re there, that ups the potential for parties. They’ve never partied on a weekday or weeknight if I’m remembering correctly. Still, if they’re gonna always be like they’ve been since last October, then I hope they’re here as long as we are. This seems unrealistic, though, and too good to be true.

I wonder why God’s been so good to me lately as far as other people’s noise goes. Cuz I’m sterile? I doubt it. I’ve been sterile all my life and God’s never been the least bit sorry about it, either. He knew exactly what he was doing and why the day he set me up to be exposed to DES.

Anyway, as much as I wish those two dogs would get shot or disappear, that’s all you really hear around here these days.

The trailer across the street hasn’t been here for a while, so they’ll return any time now and we’ll see what they do.

Gizzy’s asleep now on his wheel.

I think I felt the first light pangs of pre-cramps. I tried to sense out what my next period will be like and I did get a vision. It’ll be light. Lighter than it should be and lighter than most women’s periods, but I don’t know how light. I definitely won’t spot, though, and it won’t be heavy. I still probably won’t even need a big pad. Just liners. It used to be that I’d need big pads for a day or two.

I’m pretty sure Rugg will tell me the water is just life and age, but I sure hope to hell I’m okay and that this will be a one-time visit.

Sandy and Jen’s birthdays are on the 4th and 5th. I’ll call there on the 4th. I hope they’re all doing okay.

Later…

I suppose right now you could say I’m bored shitless. Maybe I ought to go read my library book.

Just thought I’d jot down a few lines till my popcorn is done. The microwave is just a few feet away from my work table.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 30, 1997
It looks like there’s still no one next door. For the last 2-3 days, I don’t think even just she’s been there, cuz I haven’t seen any lights on at night. I love it, though, and once again, I hope it’s this way in the summer, too. And, that it stays that way till we move. I know that’s asking a wee bit too much, though, cuz there’s bound to be a few more turnovers by the time we move.

So far, my talking daily about my wanting a kid and knowing I can never have one, is not helping him get off more often. It’s only been a few days, though, so hopefully soon enough it’ll work and not be one of those things he just thinks will work.

The weather was gorgeous today. In the upper 70s. It’s to be that way for a few days. I called Tammy to rub it in a bit. I washed a load of my clothes, hung them out to dry, and made spaghetti. I also did some proofreading. I spoke with Andy yesterday and got my email today from Marla. I guess Kim will call or write again soon.

Am I ever gonna hear from Anna and Harry? I wonder. She’s gonna be busy now what with taxes coming up.

As for Paula, who knows where she is? I still doubt the ditz has any clue as to how to get a hold of me. I’m sure she lost anything that had my address or number written on it. Or the kid destroyed it.

I guess that either at the end of this week or the beginning of next, I’ll get the package my parents are sending.

I’ve had the spat that me and my folks had a while back on my mind every once in a while, and I came to my final decision about that. I told them in a letter I began to them that I can’t stop them from exaggerating, lying or discussing our business with others, but I also can’t have a one-sided relationship with them. You don’t tell adults what to do and I don’t do shows for anyone, I do me. I’m me and that’s it. I told them that from now on, we’re all gonna say what we’ve got to or want to say and that it’s up to each other how we’ll deal with it. I did tell them, however, that I do have a degree of love and respect for them, therefore, I will make an effort to watch what I say and use my best judgment, but only cuz that’s what I want to do. Not cuz they ordered me to do so. No one tells me how to be, what to say, or what to do, and if they’ve got a problem with that, tough shit!!! This is how it’s gonna be from now on. They have to meet me halfway or it’s no way at all.

It’s a shame, though, that at this age they haven’t changed much. I have seen them change in some ways, but it’s a shame that they’re so selfish, insensitive, inconsiderate, and not very understanding. Like I said, I don’t know what drives them for sure, be it low self-esteem, low tolerance, jealousy, etc.

I do know that Mom didn’t like any kind of attention directed towards me over anything I could do or anything I knew, cuz then she’d feel like she was lacking the attention. She was also one for being the center of attention. I used to be like that somewhat myself when I was younger, due to the attention I lacked and she used to get on my case about it. It wasn’t too often that I tried to make myself the center of attention, and it wasn’t too often she’d get on my case about it, but looking back, I can see that she did that cuz she was seeing a little bit of her in me and that probably scared her.

In certain ways, she hated it when we kids were like her, cuz it was an embarrassing reminder to her of how she was/is, but in other ways, she wanted us to be just like her or lower than her.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 29, 1997
OK, time to come clean. Yes, all the shit I’ve said about no longer wanting a kid is bullshit. I thought it’d help me. Especially in light of what happened with Larry, but I’m only kidding myself by saying I don’t want a child. I may have my fears, doubts, and worries about a child, know I’d be forever fat and tired, but there isn’t anything I want more, other than to be with Tom forever. I had tried to convince myself, though, that I didn’t want a kid, cuz I still don’t see how that’s possible and allowable by God, but Tom was right; you can’t convince yourself of something you don’t believe.

Tom and I had a talk last night that I think really may help us both. We made a deal with each other as far as what to do on our part to help us both. My part is to not deny I want a kid and to talk about it as much as I need to, so as not to end up bottling it up till I get so angry, frustrated, and upset that I feel like I just want to drop dead. He said if I do this, it’ll help him cum more often. I warned him, though, that if I spoke about it as often as it was on my mind, that could easily be a daily thing. He said it’s no problem. It’s no problem if I talk about it and even if we disagree, but when I blow up from holding it in, that creates problems. This way I won’t appear so negative and get all emotional, cuz it does take up less of our time to talk about it in a stable mood, than for him to calm me down out of a fit about it.

I always had the feeling that this year would either be full of nightmares (one of them including a doctor confirming my sterility), or it would turn out to be the great year I felt it’d be. If it does turn out great, I hope that it’ll include us finding out I’m pregnant.

Also, this may sound funny, but I always believed that if a kid were meant to be, I’d be around 32 years old and the first year that did pop into my head was 1997. Of course, I don’t have to remind you what Robin says about it. She wholeheartedly agrees with Tom. Tom said that at the end of February, which will be right before my appointment, he’d like us to get a home pregnancy test. He says this way we’ll know if I stand anywhere different than I ever have before. He said he doesn’t mean to make me angry, of course, and he’s not saying it’ll be positive for sure, but we can at least experiment with it, get to know it and how it works and its accuracy rates, etc. Rugg will at least know we’re trying, too, cuz she’s no doubt gonna ask me about possible pregnancy just like the nurse did when I go in there griping about water.

So, how do I feel about the pregnancy test? I have mixed emotions, naturally. My heart hopes it’s positive ASAP and we both want a child really bad, but my head and logic tell me that I’m just fantasizing and dreaming and that it isn’t meant to be. Like I said, though, it’s OK to dream. That’s what dreams are for. Nonetheless, I still hope he’s right about my being OK, but my mind does go back to that dream, though. Could it be a premonition? Or was it just a dream? Oh, I hope it was just a dream, but something’s nagging me in my gut as if to say, Beware! Keep out of Never Never Land. This is a dream of reality.

Yeah, well, unless a doctor does confirm my worst fears and unless Rugg tells me I need my parts stripped, I’ll remain in Never Never Land. Hell, I’ve been most of my life, anyway. It’s just that God delivering us the final blow to our dreams and snatching all hope away and finalizing it in some way seems just his style. It’s just like something he’d do to me. He’s always had a problem when it came to the things I wanted most and with my choice of occupations.

God, just give us a break, will you? Lighten up. Be fair for once!

Anyway, I just know deep down that this will be the year I either conceive or my belief becomes more evident than ever before. I’d just want to die if I turned out to be as right as I’ve always been so far. There’d just be no use in sticking around on this earth and I’d feel like I denied and took away so much from Tom. I am not gonna continue to live my life according to God’s standards and his rules and his way. I am not gonna be what he wants me to be and live my life for him. I’m going to live my life for Tom and I and not settle. If I were a settler, I would be a housekeeper for sure and I’d still be with people like Brenda.

I thought about Larry’s dying and looked at it in a new light. OK, what happened was tragic and they’ll all have to live with it forever, but they did have 16 wonderful years with him. I wonder, if they had to do it all again and knew they could have just 16 years with him, would they? Or would they not have had him? Maybe knowing they had those 16 wonderful years with him helps them to deal with their loss of him. And their belief (especially Sandy’s) that he’s now in a better place, which I hope is true. In other words, I realize that I can’t keep worrying about the what-ifs. If God’s gonna kill any child we could have whether it was unborn or born, he’s gonna do it then. Meanwhile, I guess it’s silly to worry about that possibility. Nothing in this world’s guaranteed. Nothing but my love for my husband.

Evie’s gonna have her baby any minute now. Now I know she told me she and David didn’t want or plan their kids, but I’m so glad they’re having children. I hear they’re a bit goofy, but it’s just so nice to see parents like them. It’s quite refreshing after knowing that 80% of today’s parents are either doped up or killing people if they’re not beating, molesting, or cutting down their kids left and right. I mean, there’s no comparing guinea pigs and rabbits to kids, but my animals piss me off at times and get on my nerves. I yell at them or remove what they’re using to drive me nuts for a while, but I couldn’t imagine beating the holy shit out of even them or cutting them down, if they could understand more words than no, get down, come here, their names, and also, my kissing them and the sound of the refrigerator or plastic.

Well, I just hope all works out. We plan to have more fun and I plan to keep talking and he plans to have that method help him fire more. I just hope my worst fears never get confirmed by either time or a doctor’s word. Even if I feared that all my life, nothing in my past, present, or future could make me more depressed than having that nightmare be realized like never before, other than if anything happened to Tom. My life would be a hell of a lot more “over” than it could ever be with a child.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 28, 1997
Tom brought home good news about his mom yesterday. She did not have a stroke or anything serious. Just a bad arthritis attack, but she’ll be fine. At least, I hope she will be.

Tom gets more surprising by the minute. I really thought sex would be out of the question yesterday, due to his mother and his not getting as much sleep, but we screwed and got their cages cleaned. It’s still very hard to believe, though, that Tom will surprise me with cumming more than twice a week. Time will tell, but if he did, that’d probably take him years to do. It took him years to even cum in the first place.

Got a letter from Kim yesterday and she sure did tell me something weird. That her boyfriend’s girlfriend was on the pill, not trying to get pregnant, and just found out she was 5 months pregnant. OK, she obviously forgot her pill at one point, God does give babies to those who don’t try to conceive/want to conceive, but she just found out at 5 months? Didn’t she have any symptoms? Didn’t she gain weight, feel movements, puke, or miss enough periods?

I may no longer want a kid after what happened with Larry and with God’s way of having this world be so filled with violence and injustice, but still, does God ever give kids to those who want, plan, and try for them?

Kim also enclosed a Bob letter. It was a very short note saying how he’s oh so devastated that she and I dumped him. Also, my dumping him was very hard on him, but a piece of cake compared to her dumping him. Yeah, I believe that one. Then he goes on and on crying and praying for death. Sorry, Bob. You’re an asshole, a geek, a pervert, and a stupid loser. Therefore, you’re going to live a very long life. God will see to that. God loves you dearly.

Gizzy looked so cute the other day when he held a piece of popcorn (which was bigger than his head) in his tiny hands and ate it.

Later…

Tom’s in bed now, so I’ll just mention a few things, and then go read my book. I didn’t like the second book of Dean Koontz’s, so now I’m reading the last one I’ve got.

Next door never did come in last night. It still appears that they don’t have a pattern as to when they’re there and when they’re not there. I just hope they continue to not be around here and there.

If there is one good thing that 1997 has brought, it’s more sex. At least for now, it’s been that way.

I told Tom that I’d rather be bored than have bad things going on and I’d rather be dead than have my old life back or be without him, but this water/metabolism crap still makes me wonder. I called and asked Dr. R’s nurse if she had any suggestions. She said no and that I’d better see Gloria Rugg and see if it’s connected to my period. She too, seems to think there may be a connection. She mentioned something about hormones but doesn’t know for sure, saying Gloria’s the one who’s up with that. She first said, “You’re not pregnant obviously.” Obviously not, but I still wonder what the hell it could be. I think I may have read or heard that DES can affect hormones and that’s another reason why we can’t conceive or why we miscarry, as well as due to the tissue being all inflamed, but I don’t know for sure. I just hope that Gloria can help me and that this isn’t gonna turn into multiple appointments. I hope it’s just a case of me needing a water pill to set my system straight. I’ll die if I need surgery or if something serious has gone wrong. That’d be just the thing God would do to me, too, to really punish me and piss me off. I’ve been under the knife enough.

Of course, I have mixed emotions about possibly needing a hysterectomy. I mean, I’m already sterile, don’t want a child anymore, so I can live just fine without my parts and it’d be nice to not have periods, but then I have to go through the hassles of surgery, recovery and meds. Anyway, the appointment will be on March 5th. I just hope to hell it’s just one appointment and that everything’s OK and that this problem is solvable. Why do I have the feeling that that’s asking for too much? I still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised if I had to have 3 appointments and that I have all this water just because. I still don’t know if God’s ready to have my parts stripped out of me or if he ever will. That way he can still put me under a spot attack if he wants to.

I still think it’s Tom’s cum. It’s ironic that this all began as soon as he started cumming. I think my body just doesn’t take well to it and rejects it. It’s just like how some people can take and tolerate certain drugs, well, his cum fouled up my whole system.

Another thing that has this water really annoying me is how I have to wake up to pee every goddamn night. Sometimes even more than once.

My only logical guess as to what it could be is the same - age, metabolism, and God. I still worry and wonder about it, although it seems logical that nothing serious is wrong. I’d have to have more symptoms and problems if something was wrong than just water retention.

I’ve been thinking about that dream again. Could it be a sign of something bad to come? Is it not only telling me I need not worry about ever being in Larry and Sandy’s shoes but that there is a significant problem?

Later…

Took two dumps, only ate one granola bar and some popcorn along with a Slim-Fast shake, water, and coffee, and guess what? I still weigh 104. Aaarrrggghhh!

MONDAY, JANUARY 27, 1997
Just as I said it would, the phone did ring with that expected call. Tom just brought Mom to the doctor’s, cuz her leg and hip are troubling her. I hope she’s gonna be OK. Our families have had enough shit.

And I thought this year was gonna be great?! Who the hell was I kidding? My good vibe is gone, too, and if this whole year doesn’t suck, then I hope it’s a carbon copy of 1992. Then in 5 months, things would be great. Or at least better.

Mary and Dave caught Stinky, but I still don’t know if we’re getting him. We’ll see.

We had a visitor yesterday for a minute. I opened the screen door so that the birds could get the seeds that were wedged in the doorway. I held the screen door open with their bucket, but their bucket’s rather light now, cuz they don’t have much seed feed left. So, they were cleaning up the doorway and came in just a few inches into the carpet, when the bucket let go and the door bopped one of them in the back room. He stood in the middle of the room for a few seconds, glanced around curiously, then flew out, as I held the screen door open and motioned and told him to get out. Thank God these birds know me quite well, or else the bird would’ve panicked and bounced off of these walls and ceilings like crazy.

I guess next door did come in sometime last night. I heard a voice, I think, but I definitely heard them leave at 6:45 this morning. There was no music, but once again I heard about 3 doors slam shut, so he either put stuff in the car or they all left.

Last night I had quite a dream. I know this wasn’t just any old dream, either. It’s got to have meant something. Somehow, I just know it did. Well, in the dream, I guess I went to see a doctor. Don’t know why, though, but two male doctors were talking to each other. It was obvious that it was about me and that it wasn’t good. So, then it seemed that their nurse drove me home and I begged her to tell me what they were talking about. She first made me promise that I wouldn’t tell the doctors she told me anything and to act like I was to hear it first from them. Then she told me, I was right, I truly am sterile and nothing can be done about it. My reaction wasn’t that I was sad or angry. Not even shocked. I just basically had an I-knew-it attitude for a few seconds, and then I woke up.

I think that this was a dream sent by God and that it’s his way of letting me know I need not worry. He will take care of me and it’s not like he has to always make sure he’s available to protect me when Tom and I have sex. This is a preset thing that God took care of before I was born, so I’m wasting my time worrying. I do, though, at times, cuz that’s just my nature. That, along with the other reasons I mentioned.

Anyway, now that we’re in the storm again, I just have to sit back, and hope we can get through this and that it isn’t that bad or serious till the temporary eye of the storm rolls around again. I have a feeling, though, that this isn’t it. There’s more to this storm. The eye isn’t close yet.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 26, 1997
Got up a couple of hours ago and now I’m just relaxing. There’s not much to do now. I did get my email from Marla. All’s well with her.

I’m making fish sticks right now in the deep fryer. I have to wait for the thing to heat up. Then, they’ll cook up in just a few minutes.

I guess next door never returned yesterday. I peeked a little while ago. There’s no car there.

Tom said that the ceremony was nice.

When he first came home, he surprised me. It was the first time he just came home and initiated sex, without winding down first, cuz he hates to drive. The part that didn’t surprise me was that he didn’t get hard enough to get in there. So, even if I weren’t sterile, yesterday’s minimal shot couldn’t do shit. He still says he could get off two days in a row. Well, I haven’t seen that yet. What’s he waiting for? We’ll see what happens today if we have sex, but my guess is that he won’t get off again till the beginning of February. Nonetheless, it was a pleasant surprise that I didn’t expect and I hope today will be another pleasant day.

It’s relaxing, but tense at the same time, as I wait in the eye of the storm. The phone’s gonna ring any minute now and someone will be hurt, sick, or dead. It’s scary. All I can do, though, is wait. Wait till the next bout of trouble comes. When something breaks that either takes lots of money to fix or lots of time to fix if it isn’t something wrong with a person.

There is a possibility that we may be getting a hamster. Mary and Dave are getting dwarf hamsters and they’re smaller than Gizzy. That’s small! So, they want a special cage for them and to give one of their 3 hamsters away, but the one they wanted to give away, escaped. So, Tom said Mary said it’s my fault. He heard them mentioning this, and then he ran away. Well, I hope they find him (Stinky), cuz if they do, I’ll gladly take him and then Gizzy can have a roommate, too.

I called my parents yesterday and besides pictures, she’s also mailing a wooden rabbit that Larry carved in his grandfather’s cellar a few weeks ago. The pictures are of the two Larrys and Jen from when they were down in Florida about a month ago. I asked if they had any of Sandy. Ma said she’d look.

So, I let my folks know we’re fine, Bunny’s now 6 pounds, and we finally caught Gizzy.

Tom has a serious hearing problem. He asked me, “Who carved a rabbit in an attic?”

Now I wish I didn’t destroy the pictures of Larry and his family I had back when all that shit went down in ‘86, but I have no regrets about ditching Jenny C’s pictures.

Later…

This is just too damn weird. After I fell asleep, I got up twice for a long pee. Meanwhile, I shit twice, haven’t eaten that much at all and now I’m 105. What the fuck is going on?! This is so fucking frustrating. I’ve got to see a doctor soon.

Later…

Yup, God did it again. Who got hurt? Well, Tom pulled a back muscle while trying to access the leak problem. He’s OK, though, and he could even have sex. This is where God’s good side came out - I knew that DES or not, God would be with me and make sure he didn’t get off and he didn’t. Especially since he just did yesterday.

I am a worrywart. So sometimes I do worry. In spite of the DES and God’s plan to make sure I never have a child, I sometimes worry. What if God did slip up? What if, due to his busy schedule, he forgot to protect me? Well, I suppose he’d just kill it, but I’d hope he’d do that long before I even had a chance to suspect I was pregnant if he screwed up for some reason. I still believe that God does and can make mistakes and that he is not always fair. So, even though I do really know deep down I’m immune to pregnancy, so to speak, I still fear he’ll be unfair to me and make the mistake of letting me conceive. He has been plenty unfair to me in the past, but that was different. I guess you can’t really compare getting pregnant with the shit he let my folks do to me, the places he let me into, the people he’s sent my way, etc.

Anyway, I’m glad I’ve come to be content with the idea of a kid being just a thought and an on-and-off dream. That’s what dreams are for. Dreams are what make us human and if there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that it’s OK to think, wonder, and dream. I don’t know that I’d go so far as to call it a dream anymore, any more than I would with the singing, but you understand.

I don’t always know if I should worry or remind myself that there’s no way I’ll ever conceive, so don’t worry. Guess I’ll always do a little of both.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 25, 1997
We had fun a little while ago. I had a nice big strong orgasm. I told God that I knew he was on my side about me not having a kid, so please don’t let him cum. Well, he did, but it was a very small amount, and realistically, I know I’m safe. His heart was racing and he said he didn’t get his money’s worth, so he asked for a half-hour break. I knew he was spent, though, and when a half-hour was up, he had fallen asleep, but that’s OK. He’s right on schedule, though. It’s been exactly two weeks since he’s cum.

The Jeep’s next door now. They better not carry on with their old shit today. The last thing I want to do is go back to being all stressed out at bedtime, wondering if they’ll wake me up. Well, if I’m remembering correctly, they haven’t woken me up since August and if they do, I will take care of it.

Yesterday was a beautiful day. It hit 72º and the warmer weather sort of stirs my nerves about the freeloaders. They’re hot weather people and as we get closer to March and April, I fear those obnoxious ball games will start up, along with some parties. Also, from March to October, he may be there daily. I still don’t know if his constant absence is a seasonal work thing or them not getting along.

Later…

Tom’s mom just called. She wanted to know how I was doing. I told her I was doing better and that I used the little booklet she gave me to copy in my songs. I also thanked her for the offer to fly me to New England.

She mentioned something about a sewing room being put in their honor (hers and dad’s), cuz they helped make/give clothes to needy children. I knew about this, cuz Tom had told me. There’s to be a ceremony today. Why didn’t Tom mention going to it today? She said not to wake him up if he was asleep and he still was asleep. She said to ask him, though, if he gets up if he’ll call Evelyn and see if she wants to go.

Should I wake him up or not? Maybe I will if he isn’t up by 10:00.

Tom read my songs. He said he likes some and some he doesn’t like. He said that overall, he feels they’re too negative, but of course, I see them as very realistic and how I truly feel.

Also, Andy says that Fran’s still harassing Donna’s old grandmother every handful of months in Springfield. Still? He really doesn’t get it or take no for an answer, huh? Still the same old Fran. Fran, who is full of delusions, as we all know, believes Donna loves him and that she needs him. I always knew Fran was a desperate sucker, but I never thought, until I learned the hard way with that bogus Sabrina character, that he’d badger someone long distance. If I’d known he’d try to get to Donna, as far away as she is, I’d never have given out the number. I don’t know, though, if it was me or Andy who gave it out, but Donna really irks me when according to Andy, she said it was his problem. Wrong. It’s Fran’s problem. I told him to tell Donna, I’m sorry she’s upset, I’m sorry her grandmother’s upset and all freaked out, but if it’s such a bother to her grandmother, why doesn’t she either have the phone company trace it or change her number? I mean, Andy gave her all the suggestions that we could think of, so if they don’t want to take our advice, or do something to help themselves, that’s not our problem.

I called information to see if I could get Fran’s number to give it to them to call him, but as I figured, he’s unlisted. Then I tried Fahey. They’re the foster parents that Fran’s still in touch with and where he has his mail sent every few months when he moves, but they too, are unlisted. This is probably due to wanting to avoid and not have to deal with all those who’d call complaining about Fran.

Then again, if Donna or Andy (cuz I sure as hell wouldn’t do it and I’ll never care to) was to write to them or call them, that’d just egg Fran on even more. Fran doesn’t take no for an answer and doesn’t give up, but the more you react, the more he’ll harass someone. Also, if you complain about someone (especially an adult) to their parents or someone they know, that’ll make things worse (I should know!).

Once again, I can’t believe he’s only called me once since I last told him to fuck off for good, and according to my journals, that was in December of 1994. You’d think that for every call he made to the grandmother, he’d make 10 to me. He has to have lost my number and can’t remember my married name. Thank God, though, but this has definitely got to be the only reason he hasn’t called me in two years. What luck I’ve had, though. He must’ve moved at least 6 times over the last few years, so how he can remember the woman’s number and not the last name amazes me. Yup, I know he lost my number and can’t remember my last name, cuz if he could remember that, he’d call everyone listed in Phoenix with my last name.

Well, at least that lady’s got one thing on her side and that’s that Fran only has a phone for a few months here and there. As soon as he rings his bill up, calling 900#s, he’ll be without a phone for a while. I just hope that if he does call here, and if one of us does answer, it’s not Tom. He just doesn’t know that you don’t always have to be polite to everyone in the world. Therefore, he’ll be too kind and not just hang up immediately on him, which could very likely encourage him to call more. If he has my number and remembers my name, the only thing I can think of stopping him from calling is his belief (a true one, too) that I’ll just hang right up on him or his fear of the cops contacting him. I think the cops did talk to him when the Sabrina bullshit went down.

Later…

I just wish I knew what was the best thing to do. Part of me says not to wake Tom up, cuz he didn’t mention the ceremony. The other part thinks that maybe he forgot and really does want to go. I’m not sure.

It’s still hard to believe that Larry’s dead. I’m not going through the emotions I’m going through about it, anymore, even though my feelings and beliefs about it will never change, but at this point, it’s like it didn’t happen. It’s like it was all just a bad dream. It’s so hard to believe. Tom’s mom said maybe his life would’ve been horrible. Well, we’ll never know now, but I don’t see how it could’ve been. I wish I could know for sure that for some bizarre reason, yes, his life would’ve been horrible. That way, it’d be a bit easier knowing he’s dead.

Well, they still haven’t left next door, but they are going to come and go at least once. I’ve never known them to be home all day and not go out at least once. There were times last summer when he’d come and go several times a day. He’d leave 3 times, so that was 6 times a day I had to listen to his shit.

They must’ve come in quietly last night, cuz Tom didn’t mention anything about them this morning when I got up.

Guess I’ll go do some reading now.

Later…

I did wake Tom up at 10 AM and we’re both glad I did, cuz he did want to go and he’s there now.

Next door left and I didn’t even know it. I had last seen the Jeep at just after 10:30, then when I looked within the next hour, it was gone. Cool. Now, I just have to hope they don’t come storming in, but we’ll see.

I’m still thinking of making an appointment to see if I can get this water off me. I really believe it’s a case of both water and a metabolism that’s quit on me. I don’t even lose weight in my sleep anymore like I used to. At the beginning of the day, I used to weigh about 2-4 lbs. less than I did at the end of my day.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 24, 1997
Got up at 1 AM and the night sure has been off to a weird start. I felt absolutely freezing, so I turned up the heat and drank some coffee, figuring that’d warm me up. When I was still freezing and when the thermostat read 80º, I took my temperature out of curiosity. It read 97.5. Then I was still cold, so I bundled up in my waterbed for a while, got up, and still felt cold. Not quite as cold as before, but still cold. I took my temperature again, figuring it’d still be the same, but this time, it said 98.8. So, either I’m screwed up or the thermometer is, cuz I shouldn’t be cold due to the heat blaring in here. I also shouldn’t be above normal, either, cuz I’m not sick or infected.

I decided I’d change my wallpaper and screensaver weekly, instead of biweekly. I don’t have the patience to go biweekly.

I talked to Tammy yesterday. She wasn’t too thrilled with Mom and Dad because they just took off for Florida without even telling her. She said she was worried for two days, not knowing if something was wrong. That was rude of them.

So, after helping Lisa with her Spanish homework, I called down to FL. It was about 4 PM ET. Gene answered, Teresa’s husband. He said he’d let them know I called and then I asked him if he knew which daughter this was. Then he said, “Well, this isn’t Tammy.” See? We don’t have the same voice, as Tom insists we do.

Later, while we were asleep, they left a message earlier at 8:30 their time. Actually, they left Tom the message, as if I didn’t exist, except for when she said she’d talk to us “guys” some other time. It was a weird message. At first, it sounded like Dad hung up the other phone. Then mom says, “Hi Tom, this is your mother-in-law,” etc. Then, in the end, I could’ve sworn Dad yelled out either, “Hi Tom,” or “Bye Tom.”

Tom made a peculiar comment yesterday. It was peculiar, even though he’s said this before and it usually ends up not meaning much. He said I better be in shape to screw this weekend. What went through his mind when he said that? A tease? Something good? Something negative? He knows I’m around mid-cycle now, so what’s he trying to do in his mind? Does he think he’s gonna tease me by implying there’ll be lots of sex when there won’t be? Or does he still have his absurd belief that I can conceive and think that that’s just what he’s gonna make happen, no ifs, ands or buts? Well, we’ll just have to wait and see what he does, but it shouldn’t be too long from now, till I can tell if he knows more of what I’m thinking and feeling than what I may say.

Personally? Even though I have not a damn thing to fear or worry about, and even though I love to have fun, I hope he doesn’t get off Saturday or Sunday. Knowing I’m safe and will be taken care of, regardless of what Tom does this weekend or any other time, is enough for me.

I’m not trying to find a “proper path/destiny” at this time, like it or not, I realize that I am on the right path at this moment. If I weren’t, God wouldn’t have me here, doing what I’m doing. So, if he wants me to change courses and be a housekeeper or do some kind of job, he’ll lead me to it. Just as he did with the dancing, with Tom, among other things. I’m right where I’m supposed to be and it can’t not be OK with God, or else I wouldn’t be here. One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned is that you can’t make a path for yourself, choose a fate or make a fate happen, or avoid a fate or a path. This is what I mean when I say not all choices are up to us. People don’t make careers, for example. They do and they don’t. Gloria didn’t make herself get into the music business. God set that up. Then she took it from there and worked her way up to where she is now from the starting point that God initially put her at.

I finished copying my songs into the journal Ma gave me. Tom says he wants to read them. I’ve made some changes/revisions.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 23, 1997
Marla sent me another message. We sure can relate to one another in lots of ways. We just don’t agree on how much we make our own choices. She thinks we make our own choices about everything. I think we make our own choices about some things.

She told me that she had been stressing out, trying to get pregnant to no avail. Then, when she made the appointment to see a doctor, she was pregnant. She said she thinks that seeing a doctor took the stress off her, and allowed her to relax so she could conceive. Yeah, well, now that I’m much more relaxed than ever, as far as that goes, that doesn’t mean God’s gonna stop doing what’s right and I don’t want him to stop doing what’s right. I no longer care to have the responsibilities, the burdens, the what-ifs, the fears, the doubts, concerning a child, be any more than just a thought. I’m not going to have a child, a child I can’t handle in the first place, only to see it become a victim of this world and God, while there isn’t a damn thing I can do about it, but stand by and watch helplessly.

We may screw this morning and I hope to hell he empties himself out, cuz we’re approaching that dangerous time. If he gets it all out this morning, it’ll be safe, cuz it’ll be too soon. Then, there’ll be no way he can shoot off again, as soon as 2-3 days, when I’ll be in that time frame. He needs 2-4 weeks before he can do it again. Deep down, I know that I still have nothing to worry about. I know God will take care of me. If there is any good in God, it’s that he knows to make sure I don’t conceive, whether I’m ovulating or not. He knows what’s right for me. He knows what’s best for me. In some cases, anyway, and this is surely one of them. So, even though, I’ve let my guard down, and don’t feel so desperate to conceive, I’ll still be safe and taken care of. Fate must remain fate, no matter how we feel, think, or believe. And no matter what we say or do.

I rescheduled Nielsen for February 6th, and I’m gonna tell you one thing for sure, and that’s that if I can’t make this appointment - fuck it. I shall take that as a sign telling me I don’t need to go and I don’t have any problems with the ear. I think I keep it clean enough, too.

I can’t believe this mouse. How can he keep running and running on his wheel? I mean, it’s like he’s a machine and not alive. How can his heart, lungs, and muscles take it?

I called Larry yesterday just to say hello and see how they were doing. He says he’s gonna try to return to work. I told him not to push it. It seems too soon for him to be going back to work. I hope he’s talking about this as much as he needs to and isn’t planning on drowning his sorrows in work. I wonder if he’ll drown his sorrows in something worse than work. Something like booze. I hope not.

Andy left a message saying that his mother saw it on the news and read about it in the paper and he said she gave her condolences to me. That’s nice. She asked Andy if my folks came up for the funeral. Amazingly, she didn’t know Larry was in touch with us again or even if I knew about this.

I’m sure even that asshole Michelle L knows all about it. I’m sure lots of people remembered the last name when they heard it. Not just cuz they may know Larry, but cuz of their run-ins and past dealings with me. I’m sure Jenny C knew about it, somehow, within hours of the accident (remember, though, I don’t consider it just an “accident” but a curse). I know Massachusetts and its surrounding states are small and that the cities and towns are small compared to cities like Phoenix, New York City, and L.A. But how do people always seem to know what’s going on with people? People they haven’t seen or heard from for years and who they’re not connected with in any way? When I got in trouble in Deerfield, it was in the Greenfield paper, the nearest biggest city. Well, it must’ve been in the Springfield papers too, although I didn’t think it would’ve been. Larry and Jen C knew all about that when that shit went down and even that bitch Joyce in the Carabetta office knew. As far as I knew and still know, no one that ever knew or that knows me knows Joyce. Yet, when I called and harassed her, she not only recognized my voice which she hadn’t heard in years, she knew about the trouble in S Deerfield. So, my guess is that she, Jenny, and Larry read it from the Springfield paper, not heard it by word of mouth. Shit, if I got a traffic ticket out here, I’ll bet my family in MA, CT, and FL would know, along with people like Jenny C, aunts, uncles, even distant cousins, and Joyce!

I still wouldn’t be the least bit surprised, if my parents had used their money and persuasiveness to get someone I was associated with (like Nervous, for example) to report to my parents all my happenings. I wouldn’t put it past them. That’s something they would do. Hell, for all I know, they could be getting reports from Tom, either by mail, phone or even Tammy’s computer. He still could’ve really held back his cumming up till last July, due to my folk’s mouths, and believe me, it wouldn’t have taken much. I doubt this or that he’d be reading my journals, he says he’s too busy to read them, and I think they’d bore him, but who knows for sure? Well, I decided long ago, that I’ve still got to keep going and do what I have to do, and not worry about people’s or life’s possibilities. I worry enough about other people and if I worry too much, I’ll never be me and live for me.

Later…

Oh, fuck! My temp’s up. This must be what Marla meant when she said it rises quickly at that time. It was below normal yesterday but now it’s above normal.

My fears are jumping back and forth. One minute I tell myself that God gives babies to those who don’t want them or that are too fucked up for them, but he didn’t do that to me 10 years ago, so why worry? Right? He’ll keep taking care of me and doing what’s right and not change fate, right? I’m not gonna tell Tom how I truly feel (unless he reads it for himself), cuz that’d only start a cycle of ridiculous problems and events. First of all, I know he can live with or without a child, but I don’t want him getting all upset, taking it personally or putting a guilt trip on me by denying me sex. I still enjoy our fun. Also, he may want to put one of our bodies through the unnecessary, pain, hassles and side effects of some kind of birth control, when we don’t even need it. Between God and the DES, I’m sure that if anything forms, it’ll be taken away before even a few weeks.

I’m sorry, but just like with the singing, I’d rather sit and dream/wonder about a child and what it all would’ve been like. I’m not gonna take on something I can’t handle, get sick and maybe lose my husband, too. I’m also not gonna have him and the kid go somewhere, then find cops at my door telling me they were killed by some crazed drunk driver or something. There will be no child and if I’ve reached my destiny and this is it - fine. I’ll take this over the past in a heartbeat.

Later…

We just screwed and as usual, he didn’t get off. God really is looking out for me.

Well, I’d write more, but I’m all written out.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 22, 1997
Just sent and got a message from Marla. She agreed that not many people would give a mouse a second chance, so she’s nicknamed him “cat,” since he’s on his second life.

She still says she hopes someday I’ll break out of the God-lets-me, God-gives-me, God-hurts-me mode, and understand that we make our own choices, but hey, I can’t help my feelings/beliefs. I still think not all choices are ours and that some of us have more control over our lives than others. I can choose what I eat, what I wear, what music I listen to, but for example, Tom and I didn’t choose to find each other. Therefore, I believe we were fated to meet. That meeting was God’s choice. Then it was our choice whether or not to do something about that meeting. Not all choices can we expand on, though. If God sterilized me, this doesn’t mean I’d have the choice of unsterilizing me, if I wanted to and believed that that was a wise idea.

She worries that I don’t look at the good in life, but believe me, I do. It’s just hard to focus on at times when things get that rough. She worries about my ability to handle things and my having someone to talk to. I don’t have a choice but to handle things and I’ve got Tom, Andy, her, and a few others to talk to.

She thanked me for the nice compliments from her “new little sister.” This is cuz I told her she was like a big sister to me, just like Andy’s like a brother, and how I appreciate her listening to me and her responses. Her posts are full of intelligence and understanding, with a good balance of a sense of humor. Especially when she said, “I got my period. God must be punishing me. (ONLY KIDDING!!!)”

I had to laugh my ass off when she said that one should be in shape during pregnancy for an easier delivery. How the hell can you be in shape during pregnancy? That’s the best way to get as out of shape as possible, cuz it does make you fat and you need that fat to provide extra nutrition for the baby. Most women still can’t lose weight after delivery, either, cuz that’s different than losing weight for other reasons, what with the way the ligaments and other things get so stretched out.

Why do she and Tom still think I’m gonna have a kid? You know how my feelings are on that subject now, and come on! It’s 1997. We’ve been together since 1993. If I wasn’t sterile, how would I conceive with my crazy schedule and with a man who’s cumming 1-3 times a month, and who needs 5 hours of free time with nothing going on, which is a very rare occasion? That’s how I know it isn’t meant to be, whether or not I want it. It’d have to be pure fate for me to conceive. God would have to have made sure that in the days of his not cumming, one made it up there and stood up there if he really wanted that for us and that’s just what he’d have done. Or made sure we hit it right between now and last July, so if we have hit it right, God’s making sure he knocks it out of me. Well, once again, after seeing Larry and Sandy go through what they’re going through, he can knock it out of me all he wants. I don’t ever want to have to go through that, and I know we would’ve had fate been different, cuz like I said, extraordinary, unusual and all that shit loves me and my family.

Marla also said it was a good feeling to be there for me and she’s glad our chats help. She says she’s amazed we’ve come this far. Me too. I’d have thought she’d have always hated me or not cared either way. She never hated me. She hates my mother, but I understand. I hate her most of the time, too.

Due to the age difference, just like with Larry and even Tammy, she wasn’t around too much. I don’t even remember her babysitting me.

Gizzy’s still adjusting well. He’s scampering away on his wheel right now. He’s still not too thrilled when I stick my hand in the cage and am gonna wait a little longer for that. He may never want to be picked up, other than in a box or that round clear ball. Mice never like people, just the things they get from them. They’re too stupid to love people like guinea pigs and rabbits can and do. When I stick my hands in the cage, he scurries around in a wild frenzy. I did let him run around in his ball the other day and he enjoyed that very much.

I talked to Tammy yesterday. They’re putting off Lisa’s birthday party till the weekend. She says the funeral went very nicely and that Ma’s taking Larry to the doctor. I hope he’ll be OK. I guess my folks are leaving this weekend. Don’t know for sure. I hope I get that article and pictures soon enough.

I told my parents of Tom’s mom’s very generous offer to fly me there if need be. They said they’d have done the same, too, if need be.

I finished the book Intensity, which was filled with just that. I’ve got two more Koontz books to read and will be starting the second one shortly.

TUESDAY, JANUARY 21, 1997
Will Andy ever stop calling me every day? I mean, I appreciate his concern for me, he is like family to me, but how many times can I tell him that I’m feeling much better now and that I really prefer chatting on the phone every few days? Every day is just too much. I’m either too busy or just don’t feel like spending 1-3 hours on the phone.

He offered to take me to Denny’s earlier. He said he couldn’t afford to treat me, but his offer was nice, even though I didn’t feel like going and we didn’t have much extra cash ourselves.

Like I told him, I’ve been feeling much better over the last few days, although my beliefs and feelings about God and this world haven’t changed and they never will. I’ve definitely gone from shock to sadness to anger to rage to numbness. It’s all so hard to believe still.

Yesterday, Larry, Sandy, and Jen should’ve gotten their flowers. We sent them right to their house.

Yesterday was also the funeral and now that he’s in the ground, I hope that the rest of their lives is nothing but peace and happiness. Tom says it was an extraordinary incident, but the extraordinary has a way of touching me and my family like you wouldn’t believe. It’s like the whole family always has been and always will be cursed and unusual.

I’m going to get a hold of Lisa as soon as I can since I didn’t get to wish her a happy birthday.

I’ll also type up a letter to Kim, who should be back from Florida now, and tell her what’s happened, as well as about Gizzy.

Speaking of Gizzy, Tom got him some food that’s especially for mice, and a little pink water bottle in a holder I’ve never seen before. It’s one you put inside glass tanks. He also got him a nesting pad to claw and gnaw on and a pretty pink wheel, that’s about 6” wide. This mouse absolutely loves it! He’s been going and going non-stop. He spends 90% of his time on it.

As I mentioned, I had put my journals into plain old boring, easy-to-read fonts, cuz they’re more complete and easier to deal with. However, in my grouped journals, I changed them to different colors: blue, magenta, cyan, red, dark blue, dark green, dark red, black, and purple. That way, when I’m skimming through them, I’ll know when I’m changing journals, as the colors change. I didn’t change their single-file colors.

According to Tom, at 2 PM, while I was asleep, the freeloader based in. He said it was reasonable for being during the daytime, but if it had been at night, I might say it’d be too loud. Well, I might say that if they’re up to their old shit again, I’ll be putting an abrupt halt to it. What’s weird about it, though, is that if it was really them he heard, they had to have left again quietly, cuz there’s no car there now.

Anyway, as I’ve said a million times, sex is when he wants it. Fine, but what about last night? We had several hours of being up at the same time. So, I asked him so I could understand him and point out the fact that there are plenty of opportunities that he doesn’t take. So, he explained to me that it wasn’t cuz of me, but that he felt uncomfortable in light of the death. I understand and I told him so. That’s where we’re a bit different, but neither of us would or could change the other. When the shit hits the fan, I like to do stuff I enjoy to keep me distracted and balance out happiness/enjoyment and just keep on living. He, on the other hand, puts aside the things he enjoys till he feels better.

He also knows how I feel about fate and that it’d be silly of me to try to make things happen or not make things happen when fate is fate. In other words, I won’t worry about trying to avoid sex at certain times. I have nothing to worry about, but maybe spot attacks. I doubt it, though, cuz if that were the case, why hasn’t it happened again? I think my body’s back to the way it normally is and how it was before he began cumming.

Tom did say he wanted to have fun in the morning. Fine with me. Once again, it’s so nice not to have to drop down on my knees and beg God to please keep me safe. He’ll take care of me. He’ll make sure no babies are conceived. And once again, it’s amazing seeing how Larry’s “extraordinary” situation has helped. To know we’ll never have to have a chance to go through that does wonders for me. It’s weird how one person’s tragedy can be another’s ticket to making something much easier for them to live with. It almost makes me feel guilty. Well, it’s not that this event has made my child desire go away, but it sure as hell has made it easier than hell to know I’ll never have one.

While I hope to hell no bad things happen (what a joke, huh?), I find myself also hoping no good things happen, either, cuz that’d make me feel guilty, too. Pretend I could get pregnant. And I did. Imagine how Larry and the rest of my family would feel? They’d no doubt be like, how dare you! How dare you suck up the joy of this new life when your brother and his family just lost someone. Tom disagrees with this, though, saying they’d want good things to happen. Well, it’s true that other people have a right to live, and life must go on.

Later…

I can’t believe I forgot to write about my talk with Larry. He called last night. They’re back home now. Naturally, he sounded tired and out of it, but wasn’t crying or blaming himself to me. I let him know I love him and am thinking of him and his family and am so very sorry this happened.

To my surprise but pleasure, he even said it was 3º at that moment as if to say he could use my laugh to cheer him up. I tried to give him the laugh he loves so much and believe me, he needs all the help and cheering up he can get right now, but it was quite half-assed. I tried, though, for his sake. I’m sure he understands that in light of the situation, it wasn’t easy for me.

I also spoke to Sandy who said to just pray for him and that she hopes he’s in a better place. She said she wanted him to be remembered and how he really had a zest for life.

Lastly, I spoke to Jen and that’s it.

They all sound like they’re hanging in there and doing better. As best as anyone can do under the circumstances. The funeral will be at about 8:30 today and Dad should be on his way there now. He should arrive at Bradley Airport just after the funeral. Then sometime over the weekend, I believe, Dad and Mom will drive back home and Teresa will fly home if she hasn’t done so already.

Today’s Lisa’s birthday. What a bum way for a 14-year-old to have to spend her birthday; at her cousin’s funeral.

MONDAY, JANUARY 20, 1997
Tom’s mom gave me a small, paperback journal with about 60 pages in it. She got it from the Diabetes Association, and she doesn’t need it, cuz she already has something to keep track of her diabetes.

After thinking about it, I decided I’d use this journal for the 29 songs I currently have. That includes the one I just wrote, a song called He Was Only Sixteen.

I spoke to my mother yesterday She told me that she drove straight to E. Longmeadow. That night, she was to stay at Boo and Max’s house, but in the midst of the -10º, she said it was, the boiler conked out. So the neighbors did their best to fix it to no avail. Therefore, she ended up in a motel in Enfield, CT. She didn’t check in till 2:45 AM. I don’t know why she didn’t stay at Larry’s house. Maybe she felt she’d be in the way there.

She wanted to stress to me that I was not being left out. I told her I understood that perfectly well, that I know she’s pretty busy, and that we’re not always here or available to answer the phone.

This is pretty much all she told me, but here’s something good. Remember the picture frame she sent? It matches two of the journals she sent with the stamps on them. She had told me to leave that frame empty, saying that there was a reason for it. Well, she’s gonna be sending pictures of Larry. I believe the pictures will be of the whole family and I hope so. She also says she’s sending the newspaper article on this tragedy. So, one of my wishes will be granted. I can’t see Larry, but I can now have a picture.

Thank God the pigs didn’t take a cruel turn by bringing Larry up on charges. We all know he’s an excellent driver and there’s no way this could’ve been his fault, or that he’d have been drinking or on drugs. He wouldn’t risk his son’s life, nor his own ass and business.

Andy’s been a wonderful support, as well as Tom. Always concerned about me and willing and wanting to hear anything I’ve had to say. Even Marla left me quite a post saying she felt for me and his family. However, she told me not to blame anyone/anything, just like Tom did, and said it was just an “accident.” Well, I disagree, but that’s OK.

I’m starting to feel somewhat better, although this is something that no one ever fully gets over and becomes “OK” with. Tom had told me that if we “pretend” I’m right about the sterility, that if I just accept how I feel, and don’t try to change my feelings, I’ll be able to live with it a whole lot easier. This doesn’t make much sense to me and I don’t agree with this. I think that the only thing that can help me live with it is looking at the negs of having a child and keeping in mind the fact that God kills young, innocent children with great potential and lives.

Like I said, I may take a child if that kind of fantasy and miracle happened, but no more will I ever take any measures to fight/obtain this impossibility. Anyone else may say it would be best to avoid this from happening, and this is easy for me to tell myself, but I know I need not worry. God has taken care of it. So, there’s no sense in avoiding sex during the right times, but I’d prefer to. It’s like with guns; even if you know it’s not loaded, you still shouldn’t point it at anyone. Well, in the past, I’d have pointed that gun. Now, I see no sense in even doing that. That’s just going against God, asking for more trouble, and all I can see is us losing any such miracle.

It’s both depressing and scary. The depressing part is when things are stagnant and empty and boringly still. The scary part is when the shit hits the fan. Who will die next? What will break next? Who will be hurt next? Who will get sick next? If it’s not a case of nothing going on and feeling like the world’s come to a complete standstill, someone’s in trouble of some kind. Or something is.

Now, onto better things.

Yesterday, Tom cleaned the bathroom sink too, with stuff that normally gags me out. He did a great job and it’s sparkling white.

He also made a dice game similar to the one I downloaded and had for a very brief time. Some games you download only operate for a short time unless you pay for them.

Lastly, he also found a few more pieces of info on Norah on AOL. She’s a vegetarian, she was in an episode of a series called The Hitchhiker last August, she’s read a book on tape, and there are some nude pictures of her. We can’t get these pictures just yet, though, cuz they’re in pay areas. He says, though, we can find them elsewhere for free. He also found info that I’d already stumbled across.

BOA was kind enough to give him tomorrow off cuz of the death, even though we’re not going back east and they know it’s back east. He’ll still be paid, too.

Now, here’s the best news, since this horrible thing started. And believe me, this excitement sure is a pleasant break from all the shock, sadness, anger and numbness I’ve felt these last few days.

Last night I was in the kitchen when I heard something rattling around the oven. Yup, it was Gizzy, who first came to our house two weeks ago. As I was opening the grill to see if I could see him, he darted out, ran behind the refrigerator, then scuttled behind the washer. So I set up the trap that Mary gave us.

The trap is a narrow tube that’s about 6” long. It’s in a slight V-shape. You put cheese in the back of it and set the door open, which is like a tent. It goes straight out, like a carport, with legs that go straight down. The end where the cheese is, is elevated. Then, once the mouse goes in, and goes to the back of it, the front lifts up, the door shuts and the legs that held the door up, slip under the tube and catch shut. This way, they’re trapped, but still alive.

After we trapped him, which to my amazement, didn’t take long at all, we put him into the bomb tank. This aquarium’s walls are about a foot and a half tall, but boy can he jump! He can make it just about to the top and he sure is a fast one. Small rodents love to climb and jump.

The phone’s ringing now. It’s got to be Andy at this hour and I wish he wouldn’t call me every night. I’m just not the phoneaholic I used to be, and I told him that.

Anyway, we found a small box for Gizzy to use as a burrow since they love that. I put a little bit of lettuce, carrots, pellets, paper, and even birdseed in. I even put a cap from a jar in with water and the ball they run around in. He’s eaten and even got some drinks. He does a lot of climbing around, on his box, on the ball and he climbs around the screen I put on top, too. His tiny toes go right through the screen, so he can enjoy a good climb, belly up, and get good exercise, but he can’t chew his way through it.

His tail is longer than his body. The mice I had were a bit bigger, too. Including the tail, he’s about 4 or 5 inches and will probably grow another inch. He’s a cute little one and he’s a grayish brown.

Tom and I researched the lifespan and it varies from 18 months to 2 years.

He’s quickly going from a terrified wild mouse to a calmer, braver pet. I still haven’t picked him up yet. I want to give him more time to get used to me, though I doubt he’ll ever let me handle him. I did have him running around in the ball, which he loved, and we’re gonna get him a wheel to run on when we can. That, he’ll really love, as do the smaller rodents. When he was in his box, I poured him out into the ball, put the lid on it, and let him run around in the kitchen. He’s still so small, and with him just being by himself, he can’t run around on the carpet so easily. At first, he was constantly jumping, and I told myself that I’d let him go if he didn’t settle in but now he’s much braver. He doesn’t always scamper into his box when I loom up over the cage. There have been times when he’s been out and about and I’ve put my hand against the cage, tapped it, and he just stood and stared at me, rather than tried to run.

I have quite the array of rodents now - a rabbit, a guinea pig, and a mouse, although a rabbit isn’t technically a rodent.

I’m trying to work on 3 different things.

To keep in mind that while our marriage may be a full-time thing, our sex lives will always be a part-time thing. Part of marrying Tom meant marrying someone with a lower drive than myself, even though he denies this. Also, what with the way the shit continually hits the fan, we don’t have a choice. Also, sex is only when he wants it. That’s how it’s always been and always will be. He definitely prefers to be the one to do the initiating.

To turn inward and to talk less. I still feel some of the stuff I have to say is upsetting to him and that he can’t understand certain things I say and feel too well.

To only ask something of him once, then to just let him do or not do something about it.

His pickup-after-me and his reposition-things-after-me are just too much of an obsession with him to get him to break it. All I ask is that he says he doesn’t want to do something I may ask of him. Not say he will or that he’ll try if he really doesn’t want to. At least he’s gotten better. He’s way neater and organized, compared to when we first met. I don’t know how long the back room will stay as neat as it is, though. We’ll see. I don’t really understand this obsession of his. Maybe it’s just cuz he’s a man and men do like to be taken care of, picked up after, neatened up after, pampered, and served by women. I just wish he’d want to be served in bed more often. Especially during the times I’m hornier, which is pretty much every other couple of weeks. Once again, though, better not to aim that gun, even though it’s unloaded.

Well, here’s what I think, even though Tom has a way of pulling surprises at times. I’d say that he won’t want sex during those likelier times. He saw how much easier my last PMS was compared to my usual PMS ordeals, what with my not having to worry about God being up to his old tricks and having to be made to deal with some weird period or whatever. I think he’s going to remember this and want to give me a break, so to speak, for a while. I think he also still knows my fears and doubts about what a child could bring, and that losing Larry is so fresh in my mind. We don’t need to lose someone else, whether they’re unborn, a child, or an adult, and I hope it’ll be a long time before another person we love goes. I doubt that, but it won’t be our unborn or born child. So, with him knowing these fears and thoughts play on my mind, he shouldn’t touch me around the end of this week and the beginning of next. If he does, he should be nervous about the idea of cumming. No, it’s not like I want one of us to get fixed, cuz that’d be silly, putting sterility over sterility. That’s like giving a perm to a person with curly hair. If he touches me at those times, no, I won’t fight him, cuz I don’t want to upset him or have him take it personally and I still know there’s nothing to worry about.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 18, 1997
Now that sorrow and depression have turned to sheer, utter rage. I could probably beat the shit out of just about anybody right now. No matter how big they were, I could toss them around like they were a rag doll. And I mean with my bare hands, too. I want to take someone like O. J. Simpson, who doesn’t deserve to live, and with my bare hands, I want to slowly torture him till I finish him off.

I wish God would appear to me in human form, so he could tell me why he did this, among all the other BS he does, and let me have him face to face, but the murdering wimp could and would never do such a thing.

We all know that, unlike the rest of my body, my hands are very weak. They’ve got the strength of an 8-year-old. Yet when I squeezed Tom’s hand to show him how furious I was, I hurt his hand. For this, I feel so very very bad. I did this to a great guy who deserves to live more than most of the human population. He said it’s OK, he understands but I feel terribly guilty and mad at myself. I had no idea I could or would do this and harm him in any way.

I’m so mad right now that when I heard a car door outside, I was hoping it was next door and that they’d blast their music and give me the slightest reason and excuse to pounce on them like a bobcat. Well, there was no music, and what with these houses being so close, it may not have been them. It could’ve been across the street. There still is no car over there and as far as I know, there hasn’t been for just over a week.

I wish everyone who’d ever done me wrong was here right now. My uncles, people like Donna A, Barb D, and Barb I. There’s more, too, and I can think of at least 20 people. Boy, would I have a field day with them, and boy, would they be shocked beyond belief. I’d slam their heads into the wall, kick them, punch them, throw them.

Tom said I’m running away from this whole mess. I am? Since when is admitting how you feel and discussing it running away from it? Then he said that this isn’t the way to feel. It’s not? Last I knew, there was no wrong emotion. Some sicko with a fancy for children, well, that’s wrong. Some God or devil killing a 16-year-old with a bright future and who could’ve done or had anything is wrong.

Well, even though Tom and I don’t see eye to eye about Larry dying, he’s been a wonderful support and for that, I am ever so grateful. He knows I need to get it out and deal with it my way. Not what others think may be the best way. I need to go on with my life. On with my hobbies and yes, on with sex. No one’s stupid here. We all know I’d take a child, despite the happiness, surprise, fears, and doubts it’d bring, but I know not to expect that.

I also told my dad that if he needed anyone to bitch to about this ordeal, to please call me.

There’s something else that burns me up about this. If we had had a child who was killed, my parents never would’ve come out here. Not by ground, not by air. To us, if we were even communicating, they’d just say that these things happen. To themselves, they’d say it’s all for the better, both for the kid’s sake and for mine.

I’m also very sad that I still don’t have any pictures of either Larry, Sandy or Jen. Even sadder that I never got to see him. My folks have seen him a few times, Tammy’s seen him once, but I haven’t seen him since he was about 7 years old.

As far as when to call and talk to Larry and the others, Tammy suggested I try calling their house in Feeding Hills tomorrow. Maybe they’ll be back sometime tomorrow. I was worried that they’d think I didn’t care, but Tammy and others gave Larry and the rest my condolences and they know my heart goes out to them.

Later…

Naturally, I’ve let Andy know about this miserable situation. I’ve also left Marla messages.

And I thought 1997 was to be great? Who the fuck was I kidding?! It was nothing but pure old-fashioned wishful thinking. This year will be either worse or no better than any other year. Especially the last few.

What the fuck is going on out there right now? It sounds like a horde of people are slamming car doors right now.

Anyway, where was my fucking 6th sense when I needed it? Why didn’t I have any vibes? I was totally caught off guard, without warning. When Tammy called, I knew something was wrong. It was in her voice. I thought it was gonna have to do with Bill, though. Something within her household only. In the quietude of the wee hours of the 16th, there was no omen. No sense. No feeling. The air did not smell of despair. There was no feeling of any doom.

I’ve been smoking so much. Smoke permeates this whole house, but I couldn’t care less. I just keep puffing away. I feel I don’t care whether I live or die.

Speaking of death, I wonder who will be next? Is God gonna rotate back and forth between Tom’s family and mine? Is he gonna kill us off one by one? Why did this have to happen? Why did he have to die? Why is God so full of murderous hate? Only those who are also murderous and hateful, who live like God, with no guilt, remorse, conscience, fear or limits, get respected by God. They get long, healthy lives. They can have anything they want.

Why?!?!

FRIDAY, JANUARY 17, 1997
I have some very tragic news. First, though, I’ll go in order of events so I don’t get sidetracked and sound confusing.

Once again, no one’s been next door. Not him, anyway, but there are lights on over there at night. He was only there last Friday. It’s now Friday again; beware of the freeloaders. However, his constant absence has really taken the edge off of me. Especially when I go to bed.

I haven’t heard that little mutt across the way, either, but due to my schedule, it’s too soon to tell whether or not they gave a shit and did something about it.

Andy was over last night from about 10 PM to 3 AM. I did a couple of loads of laundry for him. First, he sat and chatted with Tom and me. He brought some candy and a necklace for me that he didn’t want.

After Tom left for work, he went on AOL to research Stevie. Watching him, with no real computer experience, was quite amusing. He had to hold the mouse with his right hand and use his left hand to click the left button. He was so shaky. At one point he asked me where the R on the keyboard was. I never noticed it was chipped and looked like a P before. I never look when I type. Overall, he did pretty well. He didn’t need me to bail him out of jams he’d get into too much. He was quite fascinated by the computer and how I could see when Marla came online, so I could zap her an instant message. At one point, while I was typing to her, he goes, “Oh my God! Look how fast you can type. You’re like a bionic typist.”

I told him that if he did straightforward typing for years and typed up over 100 journals, he’d be typing really fast, too.

Marla mentioned something about a virus on her work computer, and of course, I know nothing of those such things, so I told her that Tom would be off Friday and Saturday night and to call him then.

After Andy was done with the computer, we sat at the kitchen table with coffee and talked.

The next day, Tom and I went to the library in the evening. I returned the Laura books. I just couldn’t get into them. I got 3 more Dean Koontz books.

Now for my shitty

Later…

I was interrupted last night when Tammy called to give me the final news of this horrible tragedy that’s just happened. I’ll just get right to the point. Then I’ll take it from there.

During the early morning hours of the 16th, God killed my nephew Larry. He and Big Larry were driving on I-91 in Longmeadow, when Big Larry, who had been sick for a couple of months with the same lung problems I had back there went into a coughing fit, blacked out, and lost control of the truck, which rolled off the side of the road.

Big Larry was thrown from the truck and only received minor head injuries. He had to have some stitches but is OK. Little Larry was crushed in the cabin of the truck, I believe, and received massive internal injuries, as well as to the head. His pelvis was crushed. They tried to operate, and they removed his spleen. However, if he had lived, he’d have been a vegetable. He lost consciousness right away and never regained consciousness. He died less than 24 hours after the accident.

Big Larry was discharged from the hospital and last I knew he was at his in-law’s place in East Longmeadow with Sandy and Jennifer.

My sister, who has been my main informant through all of this, was also at the hospital and in East Longmeadow.

Yesterday, my mother’s friend Teresa drove Mom up to E. Longmeadow and they just arrived a few hours ago. Dad will be flying in on Monday.

The funeral will be held on Monday, and Dad will just miss it, cuz that’s the quickest he can get tickets and an open flight. This long holiday weekend has the flights really booked up. Teresa’s husband will be staying at their place with the dogs and he’s got someone to tend to the store. They’ll be having a Christian burial and Dad gave me the address of the funeral home, so we can send flowers there. I guess he’ll be buried in E. Longmeadow.

Anyway, if I’ve got this straight (and none of us may ever know for sure), big Larry never lost consciousness when the accident occurred. He had to have remained somewhat with it, cuz he called Florida to tell Mom and Dad what had happened. Then he was admitted.

Later…

Tammy just called. At this point, mom’s staying at Boo and Max’s house in Longmeadow, even though they’re in Florida. Tammy will be at her own house in CT, but for the next several days she’ll be driving into MA. From what I gather, Larry, Sandy and Jenny are still in E. Longmeadow.

Under the circumstances, she and Sandy embraced and got along fine. This is the first time they’ve seen each other in about 10 years. Maybe more. It seems like it always takes someone’s dying to unite family members.

Jenny’s been hysterical, afraid of losing others, which is perfectly understandable.

Larry’s been inconsolable, according to Tammy, which is also very understandable. He keeps blaming himself, saying, “I murdered my son.” We all know that this isn’t true, though, and that if there was anything Larry could’ve done to avoid this tragedy, he would’ve in a heartbeat.

I guess I was wrong when I said little Larry never knew what hit them. I guess that right after the accident, when he knew they were in serious trouble, he had said, “I love you, Daddy.” Then he went into a coma. This happened at 3 AM on the 16th, then he died at 2 AM on the 17th. Why he was out at that hour on a school night, beats me, but from what I hear, that was a common thing.

This is pretty much all I know at this time. Tom and I will be sending flowers to the funeral home on Monday.

Tom’s mom made the most generous and sweetest offer, which was to give us the money to fly there. Tom couldn’t, though, cuz people are using the next couple of weeks for vacation and he couldn’t get the time off from work. Only if it had been parents, grandparents, siblings or his children.

I asked both Dad and Tammy if they felt I was needed and if it was proper for me to fly in, but they said no. There’s nothing I can do. There’s nothing anyone can do. All we can do is hope that in time, whether or not Larry stops blaming himself, and I hope he does, Larry will be able to move on. I believe he will be able to and I have faith in his strength too. Sandy and Jenny need him and he needs them.

I don’t know what will become of the trucking co. I don’t know if Larry will ever want to see a truck again, drive a truck again, or if he’ll continue on with the business, knowing that that’s what Larry would have wanted.

I sure had mixed emotions about flying there. I want nothing more right now than to see my family and put my arms around my big brother and his family, but once again, there’s nothing I or anyone can do. You also know how I feel about the idea of going back to New England. All those bad memories. That whole stinking place with many more curses than I could ever endure out here, just waiting to chew me up and spit me out. That climate, so cold or humid.

This whole ordeal sure has brought a slew of emotions going through my mind. The grief over losing Larry. The grief for what the hell that family must be feeling and going through. My rage towards God and his shitty, mean, cruel and unfair ways. My anger and hatred for God and his ways with this world in general, have only increased, while my anger and hatred for how he’s dealt with me have decreased. As sad, as crazy, as infuriating, and as unfair as this ordeal is, it has made my sterility easier to accept than ever before. Knowing that we’ll never have to go through this kind of grief, can only make the way I am and fate easier to deal with. For if God had allowed me to become pregnant, he’d only have killed it for sure, sometime between when I was carrying it and when it was still just a child. This is all on top of how I don’t deserve it and couldn’t handle it and would’ve been a terrible mother, whose marriage would’ve been ruined or terribly strained.

How dare God kill my nephew, though! That kid was Larry’s whole life. Why did God have to kill this young boy who had the sky as his limit and potential? He could’ve had anything he wanted, been anything he wanted. Meanwhile, he’s left me alive and brought me back from the brink of death a few times. Me. Me, who has no life and no future. Me, who’s lived her life, reached her peak, can’t go no further. Me, who has no destiny or purpose. It’s just so sick. It’s just so unfair. He was only 16.

I suppose everyone else must be feeling how I’ve been feeling. That this is just a nightmare they’re gonna all wake up from. This is one of those things you hear about happening to other people’s families. Not ours. From 3000 miles away, I can feel their tears. Feel their grief and their loss and their shock. I can hear their cries.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 15, 1997
I know I haven’t written much. Here’s a brief rundown of things that have been going on. I’ll expand on them some other time.

We went to the library where I got some books on the life of Laura Ingalls and a Dean Koontz book.

I also checked AOL for web pages on Charlie’s Angels and more.

Andy will be over tonight at 10:00 to do his laundry and to research AOL for Stevie stuff.

Anyway, I’m now on the Slim-Fast diet plan. A shake for breakfast, a shake for lunch, and a reasonable dinner. I can have up to 3 reasonable snacks too, but I’m gonna try to avoid those.

Thinking I was having more of a period and more water coming off of me, turned out to be wishful thinking. Yes, I had somewhat more of a period than I did last month, but this water retention is just absolutely ridiculous. Not to mention the fact that my metabolism has seemed to have retired. For a couple of days, I weighed more after most of my period had gone through than I did prior to ragging. I’m still left with a huge water belly and even my tits never lost all their soreness like they usually do. So, if I have no luck with this plan I’m on, then yes, it’s time to see a doctor to see if there’s a reason for all this and if there’s anything I can do. I have a feeling, though, that this is one of the classic examples of something I have no control over. I think this is just another one of those things that God controls and not me, where he does what he sees fit with my body, and to hell with what I think, feel, or want.

I’m still trying to change my way of thinking and believing and trying to look for signs that say God’s just looking out for me, not trying to punish/hurt me. For example, back when I used to think the responsibility of a child would be good for me and seemed like something I should have/do, I never looked at it differently. Now, I see that that’s not the case. I may be an undeserving person still but take Evie, for example, who’s gonna have her baby any time now. Now that’s someone who deserves a baby and who can handle it and who really can benefit from the responsibility a child brings. She doesn’t have bad lungs, she can keep a schedule and she can work consistently. I see now, that a child wouldn’t have helped stabilize me, it would’ve killed me for sure. For I do not only not deserve it; I could never handle it and I believe more so now than ever that yes, God’s just protecting me and our marriage. He wasn’t denying me something good; he was denying me something dangerous. I can’t and won’t speak for others, but for me, he’ll do whatever he can to make sure I don’t get dished out something I can’t deal with. Even if I do have to deal with something for a while that nearly kills me and drives me out of my mind as the NHA did.

I still do fear God and am angry with him over how he deals with the world in general, but I’m not as angry with him for the way he’s dealt with me. I just hope that this “I don’t care” attitude, which I’ve been slowly evolving into, continues. It’s what I wanted for a long time and it’s easier this way. The more I couldn’t care less about what happens or doesn’t happen to me or my life, the less I feel angry or hurt when something does or doesn’t happen. I just want to be as dreamless and as goalless and as carefree as possible. To hell with ever going to a doctor, no matter how I feel. That would be going against God in a big way and asking for trouble. That’s also something that’s wrong and that I don’t deserve, as well as a hopeless thing to do.

At least I can trust God to continue to take care of me. If I’m not as sterile as I believe I am, he’ll make sure we never hit it right. Then my life can go on being easier and safer if you catch my drift. Meanwhile, there’s no point in trying to change Tom of his beliefs or to try to convince him of anything. His beliefs are of no apparent harm to us. Also, as time goes on, and he sees we’re still childless year after year, I can’t see how that would hurt or anger him in any way. He’s never been the sore loser that I had been and that I’m trying to never be again. If he can’t get something he wants, he deals with it and accepts it with such amazing strength and moves on without a problem.

I called Larry’s house and he wasn’t there. This is why I began trying to reach him a few days ago. I called him at work. The other Larry answered, saying he was in a meeting. He said Tammy called too, 10 minutes ago. I told him not to worry, since we already spoke and since I know he got my card.

Like I started to say earlier, I checked out AOL for Charlie’s Angels info. I printed out a few pictures and put them into Journal 125. In case I didn’t mention this before - Charlie’s Angels was a huge hit series in the 70s. It ran from 1976-1981. I didn’t care for the angels that replaced the original 3, but I liked Farrah Fawcett and Jaclyn Smith. However, I really, really liked Kate Jackson. It was a series about 3 sexy detectives and she was definitely the best.

I also was able to find a picture of Norah, too. These pictures printed out shitty, but it was fun playing detective and seeing what I could find, anyway.

I just tried going onto AOL to see if I got any mail from Marla and it said it was temporarily down, to please try again in 15 minutes. That’s what they said 15 minutes ago.

We went to the library Monday morning and it looks like I may have a second favorite author. Dean Koontz. I may have read one other book of his that was turned into a movie, but I’m not sure. Anyway, in two days, I read a 305-page book of his and it was great. Better than even some of John Saul’s books. The ending was a bit abrupt, though. It kind of left me hanging, wondering what was to happen. Usually, there’s some kind of epilogue, giving you some kind of idea of what may happen in the future.

Tom cleaned the tub, which I noticed when I went to take a shower. It looks beautiful and now I’m sure I can keep up on it from here on out. What did he use on it, though, that didn’t have any harsh fumes, which would’ve woken me up for sure?

MONDAY, JANUARY 13, 1997
I absolutely don’t fucking believe this! The back room is leaking like hell! I thought this was supposed to be old news. Now I’m wondering if he ever really knew what he was doing when he worked on the roof, or if he was just showing off. I know how smart Tom is, so what happened? Well, I’m sure it had nothing to do with him.

Tom left me a message saying he’s very sorry this has happened, he’s sorry he was wrong about what he had thought was the source of the leak. He also says he understands I think we’re cursed and that it’s compensation for the good things that have happened, but to please not be so negative and have an I-told-you-so kind of attitude. He says this problem needs to be solved and he may have to tear down a section of the ceiling to locate where the leak is originating.

It’s originating from God. But why? I thought God and I were on better terms since I changed my way of thinking and my attitude about having a kid. I learned to see the good of not having a child. I learned to see that all along he was only protecting me and looking out for me, so why? Why must he harass us? Why can’t he just leave us alone? Why does it have to be one thing after another? How could God be so mean after all the hard work Tom put into doing the roof? What does he want from us? He knows we can’t do anything he doesn’t want us doing and that includes hitting it right and me ending up pregnant. I even agreed to help miss it and to go along with God and do right by him, so what did we do now? Is that what I get for agreeing to go along with fate, accept it, and live with it? Is this not only compensation due to us getting Tom into a better shift with more money but is it cuz Tom believes differently than me? Is it cuz he refuses to see things the way I see them and to go along with God? Isn’t one of us going along with God enough? Either way, we can’t fight God and win, so what the hell’s going on?! Why does God hate us so much and want to continually pick at us? We just want to get on with our lives and I, at least, agreed to not fight God and I know that I must live life according to God’s wishes and standards.

I hate God. I really really do. He is nothing but an evil motherfucker. Something up there is, anyway.

Well, at least one thing went my way. I was thinking last night how it was a hell of a first for me not to need any Ibuprofen and to have such a super light period and only need liners. A few days ago, Tom had said that I still may spot, even if we don’t do anything. Well, I don’t know if he was joking or serious, but he was almost right. I was in between spots and a light period. I decided last night that if I didn’t have a full flow, I’d make an appointment for a PAP and to see if I could find out why my periods were so light and why I am retaining all this water. You see, God is going to have to at least try to meet me halfway occasionally and I decided that if I must have all my periods, which is fine, then I want them to be normal. Not these half-assed things that keep me a water balloon and I really think the water’s connected to the light periods. However, I woke up with a full flow and needed an Ibuprofen, so that’s good. Some of the water’s come off, too. Not as much as I’d like, but it’s better than nothing.

Later…

Tom just got up and is eating now. I made a deal with him and told him that if I promised not to bitch about the roof, will he at least consider my theory and belief? He said he’s not saying that I’m wrong or right or that he’s wrong or right, but that whether it’s a curse or not, it needs to be fixed. Yeah, it does, but if it’s a curse, can we ever drive it away so we have fewer problems and fewer things to fix?

Also, I still believe it’s too scary for Tom to consider the possibility that I may be right about the curse, God’s intentions for us, and my sterility. He just doesn’t want to believe this, but in time, he’ll have no choice. Still, though, he may deny it was a curse or cuz of God and say it was just cuz things turned out that way.

Yesterday, I was curious to check out the history of Little House on the Prairie and the whole story behind Laura Ingalls and her family. There was tons of information. It was like - wow! I even printed out a list of all the 204 episodes, which contained a brief write-up about them. See? That’s how many episodes each series would do back then. Not just 10-20 of them.

I’m also gonna check and see what kind of sites they’ve got on Charlie’s Angels.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 12, 1997
Well, I sure do have some interesting things to update on, as some of my birds spy on me from the window above me.

First of all, Tom finally cleaned the back room yesterday. That makes about 6 times, between the two of us. It looks great and I made him promise not to trash it yet again, but we’ll see.

We screwed yesterday and we both got off.

He agreed that the reason I had such an easy PMS was due to not having to worry about spot attacks or any other weird occurrences, even if they didn’t necessarily mean something was wrong. Once again, each period gets lighter and I retain more water. This one’s so very light and I haven’t even needed any Ibuprofen yet, this time around. I think I’ll soon be making a PAP appointment, not for an exam and to ask about conceiving, but for an exam and to ask why each one gets lighter and why I’m so watery before, during, and after my periods and see what they suggest.

Yesterday was a fun and productive day between sex, Chinese food, and getting the back room done.

Upon Tom and I discussing our families, I realized a sad, but true fact. If I died, what would my parents do? Flip a coin to decide who gets to go to my funeral and who gets to stay back to tend to the store and their dogs?

Speaking of coins, Ma gave us, as well as Mary and David, some old coins that Dad had collected. They’re not worth much, but they will be someday. I don’t know if we’re gonna keep them or what? That’s up to Tom.

It’s still been very quiet next door. I did notice the Jeep had finally returned at around 3 PM last Friday, but I haven’t heard any music. I don’t think the Jeep has been there at all since yesterday. The way they’ve been is a total dream come true, even if most of my wishes granted aren’t the ones I desperately wanted most.

We spoke to Tammy yesterday cuz she left us a message. Her computer CD-ROM went out, so it’s being fixed and she’ll be without it for a few weeks. Yuck! She also had a question for Tom about a friend’s computer.

I asked her what she’d been up to and her response was, “I’ve been fucking plowing!”

Ha! Ha! She says they got 6” of snow.

Then, I figured I’d better start trying to get a hold of Larry to wish him a happy birthday, but he was out, as usual. I spoke to Jenny and Sandy. Sandy said he was in PA picking up a couple of new trucks. At first, I was thoroughly confused and asked if he cut himself in half and drove the trucks back that way. Then Sandy informed me that he took a couple of drivers down with him.

I told Sandy I called for two reasons. One was to start trying to reach Larry to wish him a happy birthday and the other was to rub in the nicer weather here. She was like, “Shut up! From now on don’t call me till May.”

I told her, though, that we’ve had some chilly days, too. It’s really a dull and dismal day out there now. She wouldn’t tell me the temperature there, but she did say it was under 30°. They didn’t get the kind of snow Tammy got.

I told Sandy about the mouse we had had in here and I thought she’d be all freaked out about it, but she says she’s a major animal rights activist.

She burst out laughing when I told her all about how I botched up the pie I had tried making when I was sick. She says Larry still talks about the pie he dropped all over their living room floor.

Anyway, I think I’ve remembered everything Sandy and I discussed.

Later…

I got in touch with Larry. I told him I had been pretty confused at first, about how he was getting the trucks back from PA. He said he went down himself, drove one truck 10 miles, then ran back and got the other, but got sick of that cuz it was -20°. Naturally, that was my cue to burst out laughing.

I told him about the pie incident too, and then he was impersonating Tammy (all her medical problems).

He’s been sick for a month and a half. He says he had to take antibiotics and that he may have had bronchitis or walking pneumonia.

I spoke to Andy yesterday, too, following a pretty confusing and funny incident. He asked me to tape his outgoing message, so I did. Then he called to ask if I put it on his machine, too. No, I told him, but he played his messages and it was there, too. Then I realized what had happened. After I taped his outgoing message, I thought I had hung up before his machine could record anything, but as I went to play back his message to make sure it came out OK, it got picked up on his machine.

I just realized something. I think I forgot to mention that the last time Andy was here with Michelle, they brought a couple of things. Michelle had a rolled-up funny note she wrote with a few orange lollipops taped to it. The note was a bore, though, cuz the paper was all crinkled up, making it harder to read and her handwriting wasn’t that great.

Also, Andy brought over a coat from Laura. It’s a nice colorful coat that’s good for this time of year. Especially at night and in the mornings.

Later on, I’ll get into the Laura Ingalls site I checked out on AOL.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 10, 1997
It’s so cute watching Bunny play with Piggy. They still like to clean each other, too. Piggy doesn’t like it, though, when Bunny tramples him. Piggy has calmed down quite a bit due to his age, whereas Bunny, who’s just a baby, even though he’s gotten so big and weighs about 4 pounds, is quite playful.

This is so weird (yet I love it), but there’s still no one next door. Where are they? Well, I hope they stay away, but I also hope they don’t move, seeing how quiet they’ve been over the last few months. A part of me wonders if they did split, but why would they do that and leave their stuff here? Maybe they got in trouble or something, but I haven’t seen or heard anyone else coming to check on the house, so who knows? They could simply both be on vacation and be visiting someone. I picture these people to be originally from someplace like Chicago or L.A. Something tells me more like Chicago.

Right on time. Here go those fucking dogs. Obviously, they hear the people in the house get up at this time (which seems like the time to get up with a house full of little kids and a daycare business to run), then they go off cuz they want to be fed.

I think I figured out why this has been the easiest PMS, as far as the emotional part goes, in quite a while. It’s cuz between the last period and this one, he didn’t get off. So now I don’t have to worry about a possible spot attack or some other kind of weird incident playing on my mind. It’s probably mostly a subconscious thing, but there’s nothing that can be in the back of my mind to worry me this month. Before, I’d just never quite know what I was in for. I could only be sure of not getting pregnant, but as for any other weird happenings, abnormal or not, I just never knew.

I never thought I’d say this, but a part of me wishes he’d just go back to not cumming. Sometimes we get something we’ve wanted, then wish we could go right back to the way it was before. No, I don’t wish to go back to MA or back to being alone, but his not cumming really takes a load of stress and worry off me. Maybe he has gone back to not cumming. We screwed again yesterday and he didn’t get off. We did it on his bed and he didn’t have the energy to do it on his bed, cuz it’s harder. On the waterbed, the water helps him to move back and forth a lot easier. It takes half the work off of him. Meanwhile, a 39-year-old trying to bump it in and out on a very hard bed, that’s pure hell on him.

No dorky “tail” on my ass. As you know, I’ve had this very small piece of hair that was just slightly past the crack of my ass. Meanwhile, the rest of it was about 3” shorter and it looked pretty stupid. It was so uneven, so I took 2” of that long piece off and now it looks much more even. Still uneven, but not nearly as uneven as it was before. I’m not gonna say anything to Tom, cuz I want to see if he notices it. It’ll take a month or two for it to return to where it was, but at least it’ll look healthier and even. It seems like my sides haven’t been growing much, but hopefully it only seemed that way due to that clump of hair being a few inches longer. Hopefully, once the very back that I just trimmed returns to where it was, I’ll notice that the sides will be even with it, too. If God forbid, the back returns to where it was and the sides stay where they are - fine. I’m not gonna hack the tail again.

Anyway, my hair is in much healthier condition than it was for a few years there. Those end treatments really have made a difference.

Maybe someone is next door after all. I just peeked out the window and cuz there’s barely any sunlight yet, I can see a light on over there. Maybe she’s been there, but not him. Then why haven’t I heard her come and go? Why haven’t I heard a car pull up to get her and drop her off? Boy, she’s gotta really have someone willing and able to deal with picking her up and dropping her off, what with the fact that she’s got no car. Imagine living in a house with no car. She could walk to a bus stop, but that’d be a real pain for her to haul her kid along and you’re talking about a 10-minute walk. Then she’d have to bus it to wherever she leaves the kid all day, then to her place of work.

Could the light just have been left on, if they’re both gone, for security? I don’t think so, cuz I would’ve seen the light from the back room, so I’d say she’s been there and he hasn’t been there. Guess he’s either in trouble, working elsewhere, or just not getting along with her.

Now here’s some really cool computer news. Well, those Gloria pictures, as well as one of Norah’s, have been set up so I can use them as either wallpaper or a screen saver. It is so awesome! I have two picked out now. I used to have these pictures, as a matter of fact. I junked one of them like a fool when I first came here and the other ended up being dumped courtesy of my mother.

Well, the birds ran out of seeds yesterday and Tom picked them up some more this morning, so since they’re up now, I’ll go feed them.

Hello There,

I don’t know your name, but my name is Susan and I’m a nearby neighbor.

First of all, I’d like to say I’m sorry for your loss and I hope you’re getting along OK.

I’d like to ask a favor, though, if I may, about the dog tied up to the trailer. Well, don’t get me wrong, I love animals, but is there any way you could please lessen the barking? Some of those in my household are working nights and need to sleep in the days. I hope you understand how it is.

Take care and hope you had a nice holiday season.

Sincerely, Susan Reynolds

That you just read, is the note I stuck in the mailbox of the house with that trailer dog, which has started up again.

The “I’m sorry for your loss” part of it is due to him losing his mother. Gloria, that woman behind us, who came to see us when we had our tag sale, said that that’s what the case is, anyway.

This dog’s bark is so totally obnoxious and they are so cruel, too. Once again, how can they hear themselves think? I thought I heard voices, as I approached their mailbox slot, but once again, how can they talk to each other over that shrill of a bark? Geez! Anyway, I know it won’t do a damn bit of good, but I just had to do something and feel like I tried. The good thing about it is that if they don’t give a shit about the dog or my complaint, and I don’t expect them to, that trailer and that dog are in perfect easy access. It’s right on the street. So, if they want to sleep at night in peace, and I know they sleep in that trailer, they better think about it. Also, anyone can just walk right up to the dog and snatch it (I wish they would) or do something to it. Well, maybe the fact that the trailer and the dog aren’t in an enclosed area and anyone can get to them without being seen, or without them being able to do anything about it in time, will help get something done about the little pipsqueak of a dog, but I know better. I’m gonna have to do something myself.

Maybe the reason why they don’t have the dog in the yard is cuz there’s already a dog there and maybe they’d attack each other. That leaves shutting it up in the trailer or taking it into the house and all hell would break loose if someone in Arizona actually had to bring their dog into their house. That’s a no-no out here.

If I knew it wouldn’t bite me and that if I could release it from its leash, it’d run away, that’d be great, but I ain’t getting near that dog. Not without a gun and I don’t have one. I don’t want to hurt the dog, I just want them to shut it up. If it takes threats to the dog and the trailer and maybe an egg or two to the trailer itself, then I just may have to do that, but I hope not and I don’t want to. If I were seen doing anything, who knows what they might try doing to our house. Well, we do live in a world where most people don’t care about their pets and where more than most don’t give a shit about their neighbors. I’d say that there were only about 3% of the neighbors I’ve ever had who cared and wanted to get along without bothering anyone, as well as not being bothered by anyone.

I’m just about 99% sure they didn’t see me deliver them their note. All their front windows have tin foil in them and I don’t think their open side windows matter, cuz it’d just look like I was walking from or to anywhere in that area. Besides, I think they were absorbed in themselves and chatting to really think twice about seeing me walking down the street. From their front sidewalk, though, they couldn’t have seen me. Only on the street. Well, if they figure out who I am, then they do, but I suppose I’d prefer to be unknown.

Also, I think I did hear a car door shortly after 7:00 from next door. Then when I checked again, I don’t think I saw any lights, so someone is picking up her and the kid.

Later…

Yeah! The trailer just left. Now all I have to listen to for now is those other two dogs and there’s nothing that can be done about them. All I can do is hope they die, or someone else kills them, or that the owners realize how cruel they’ve been to their dogs, as well as how rude they’ve been to their neighbors, but that’ll never happen.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 9, 1997
Well, I don’t have much to say at this time. Just that there still hasn’t been anyone next door that I can see of, so that’s just great.

I also haven’t heard anything from that trailer.

I cleaned the hell out of this place today since it really needed it. It just wasn’t something I was able to do for a while cuz of how we were sick.

I also made Tom up a list of all the Gloria pictures I want to have as screen savers and wallpaper on my desktop.

I started adding whatever I could think of to our list, which we’re soon gonna revise, of all the stuff we’d like to buy and do.

Tom had gotten a jar of nuts (he hates nuts) from work during the holiday season. It was a pretty triangular glass jar, too, so I put my different colored beads in them in order and it looks really neat, with all the pretty layers of colors.

Well, I guess that’s it unless you want to count Robin telling me that 1997 will be the best year of my life. I think that 1992, 1993 and 1994 were the best, even though they had their problems, too. She says, though, that 1997 will have fewer problems, I have no idea what I’m in for and it’s to be way more exciting and better than I could ever imagine. She says there are about 3 or 4 events that’ll be happening that won’t be any kind of settlement, either. She says I’ll be totally thrilled about them.

Oh, please! I mean, we’re both feeling better overall and happier about having more money and time together, but how much more can happen? What could possibly happen that’ll make this year so wonderful? Will we win the lottery? I don’t expect it to be a bad year, but how great can it get? I’ve lived my life and have basically done the things I wanted to do that were possible for me to do, so what more could I expect or ask for? I don’t expect to be off the cigarettes and on a normal schedule. We won’t be moving this year. Once again, we’ll just have to wait and see, but I really think it’s a little late for any kind of serious or grand changes. Well, if it’s an actionless year, I’ll take that over a chaotic year.

I conquered a fear of mine and did something earlier that I had never done before. I did laundry in the dark. I still shined a flashlight around, though, to make sure there were no spiders that I could see. I got all the sheets and blankets washed, now that we’re better, and I dusted, vacuumed, and cleaned the bathroom. Tomorrow I’ll do the kitchen appliances.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 8, 1997
Tom and I went to Osco Drug at 2 AM. It sure felt weird being out with him at that hour. It’s been a long time since we were out that late.

Anyway, I picked up b-day cards for Lisa, Larry, Sandy, Jen and Andy.

I got the fans on now cuz the dogs are gonna start their shit any second now. Also, that huge motorhome is here now like they are half the time, so I expect that squeaking thing’s gonna bark, too.

Come to think of it, why haven’t I heard that dog? They’ve been here at least every 2-3 weeks for a few days, but I don’t think I’ve heard that dog for a while. They just got that dog, though, within the last 6 months or so, so why would they not have it? Maybe it drove them crazy, too.

No freeloaders next door. In fact, I’m not even sure if she and the kids have been there since Sunday. If I’ve got this right, they’re usually there Wednesday - Sunday. At least to sleep, anyway.

We screwed earlier and he didn’t get off. Guess he either didn’t miss sex very much or I was out of practice and not up to my usual standards.

Very faint, but noticeable pre-cramps have set in. I hope this each-period-since-last-July-being-lighter streak ends. If this period’s lighter than my last one, it’ll barely be a period at all. Then I can really be backed up with water.

Yes, I think I will mark my charts with those 3 things: the dates of my rag, when I’m mid-cycle, and when he gets off. I’m only mid-cycle and ragging once a month, but what with the way he rarely cums, it won’t be a hassle to keep track of.

My cold is just about gone now!

TUESDAY, JANUARY 7, 1997
I still feel like I did yesterday and I’d say that yesterday and today have been the worst of the cold. My lungs and throat have been fine, but my nose has been really freaked out. My whole head, actually, has been stuffy and it feels like my head is so heavy and I’ve got that feeling where it feels like my whole head is swimming. My ear is clogged up and sounds are so much softer, yet louder sounding. I even had to maximize the bass on my stereo in order to be able to stand it and you know I hate bass.

When I first got up I sneezed my way through waking up and showering, but since then my nose has settled down. I used that nasal spray and put a new nasal strip on. At least the air quality isn’t as bad. We haven’t heard of any pollution advisories being in effect, and I think there may have been some wind and rain, so that’ll clean the air up.

Neither of us has seen Gizzy since that time we both saw him book from the living room towards the bedrooms, but I’d think he was still here and alive.

I’ve had the aquarium on its side with 5 pellets in it and there are still 5 pellets in it, so he hasn’t been eating those. The reason why I put them there is that I was hoping he’d go for the pellets, then I could tip the cage right side up and trap him. Then, I’d either keep him in an old birdcage I saw out in the storeroom that’s off of the patio or let him go. I think that there are big enough cracks in the back door for him to get out. Those huge spiders have gotten in that way and he’s about the same size. He’s just a baby mouse that’s about an inch or two long. However, he may be too stupid to try getting out that way. He did try it a couple of times the first night I saw him, but then when I went to open the door and left it that way for a while, he didn’t leave, so we’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

Tom has been wonderful at helping me through this cold. It sure beats being all alone like I used to be back east, dealing with colds that were way worse than this, and having no one who gave a shit or who could deal with it.

I’ll be getting Tom up at 1:30, cuz he’ll be going in at 4 AM.

Later…

Tom got up a few times cuz his belly was acting up. I know he’s not intimidated by work, responsibility or people and that he gets along with people very well, but I wonder if it could be a case of new job jitters? He said it’s possible since he’s only human. Now that takes a hell of a guy to be able to admit that. Like I said, there’s a bad kind of macho and a good kind of macho.

At least he could succeed in just about every job possible, whereas I’m warier of people cuz I don’t like or trust them, think they may play with my head, and don’t get along with most people. That’s cuz I’m either too different or they always have some kind of problem with me. They think I’m a defensive bitch, but that’s OK. It’s true, for the most part. You could say it’s mutual. What was I - somewhere in my early 20s when I basically thumbed my nose at the general population, deciding I was too good for most people?

He did his list for April. I highly doubt it, but since I knew there was at least a slim chance he could’ve peeked at mine, I held the envelope up to the light and I saw: You are pregnant or…

Let me guess, after the “or” comes “are about to be.”

That’s cheating, in a sense. He’s so determined to be right in some kind of way about that, that that’s probably why he stuck that in there, but that makes no sense and doesn’t count. I mean, you’re either pregnant or you’re not pregnant. There’s no “on your way to being pregnant.” Maybe if you have a date with Invitro or something, but other than that, you either are or aren’t. Anyway, as far as he’s been concerned, since early ‘94, I’ve either been pregnant or on my way to being pregnant.

I think I also saw “I love you.”

How sweet. At least he knew when he wrote that, that he had to be right on at least one of the things he wrote, huh?

Later…

To continue on with the list I mentioned earlier. I did mine a few days ago, folded it up and put it in an envelope. Then, I told him to do his and put it in the envelope (without looking at mine) and seal it up and I’d put it in the file box.

A tiny bit of me suspects he could’ve checked out mine, cuz of the way he told me not to peek and open the envelope. Sometimes it can be human nature to tell a person not to do something they’re not supposed to do, that you’re not supposed to do, either, but that you may have done. I think that once I see his list in April, I’ll be able to tell if he checked mine out or not. It depends on how opposite from mine his list is. He has a way of being quite an opposite doer/sayer for the most part. It depends on what it’s about. If I say we should kill those wearing green shirts, he’s not gonna agree with me, but if I say something about somebody seeming mellow, for example, he’ll probably say he thought they were high-strung.

As I was going through my journal groups and adding their years, the different fonts finally got on my nerves and I made them all into a basic and simple font. From here on out, though, I can use weird fonts, cuz then I can see, as I type along, which fonts are complete and which aren’t. I have a pretty good idea of which ones are more complete, but if I’ve used the degree sign for say, number 77, I may forget that the degree sign’s there, and change it to a font that doesn’t have that. So, I may use some harder-to-read fonts, but for the most part, it’d be easier if I used those that weren’t too fancy. I can save those for letters.

I forgot to mention that I tried calling Paula a couple of days ago and her phone’s disconnected. I guess she did move, but why hasn’t it been turned on at her new place? It looks like she owed some money on it and lost her phone. She’s a lot like Fran was. She has a phone on and off. Since she hasn’t called me, I’d say there’s a good chance she lost my number. A ditz like that could easily lose someone’s number. Especially when they’re moving. As for her writing to me? If she’s got the address, she probably is too stupid to do so and doesn’t have the time. I don’t know how well she can read in the first place. She may not be very literate. I’d say she did get the letter, cuz it was never returned to me, but she may have lost that, too, and can’t remember my last name or his first name to look us up in the Phoenix directory. I tried to get a number on that friend of hers on Liberty Street she mentioned, but there’s no listing. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see, but if I can’t talk to her again or for a long time, at least I got to chat with her a few times after not being able to for 6 years.

Later…

If only those damn dogs would disappear. You hear them on and off all day in the winter and on and off all night in the summer. Why hasn’t someone done something about it? I can’t believe no one has. I know I’m not the only one who can’t stand to listen to them. They probably tried calling someone and got the same run around I did and didn’t want to bother with the hassles and with not being able to be anonymous about it. Well, at least they can’t wake me up and I can use music or fans to deal with them.

God’s been really good to me as far as next door goes. He’s not home every day, but when he has been, I haven’t heard any music. My guess, at this time, although Tom says there doesn’t have to be a reason, is that he did blow his speakers and doesn’t have the money for new ones now. I hope it’s not just a seasonal thing, as far as him not being there as much. I still wouldn’t be surprised if they came alive again once or twice a month from around April to September, but maybe it’s not just his work that’s keeping him away more often. Maybe they’re not getting along.

Anyway, my nerves have really really eased up as far as their shit goes and now I can even go to bed without fearing or wondering if I’ll be able to sleep. I can’t believe, though, that they only woke me up a few times since they arrived last March. Yes, they’ve been the best ones to be next door since I’ve been here and if they stay like this, I hope they never move. It’s when they calm down and shut up, though, that they do move, but I hope not. If they go back to ever playing their music at a volume that can be heard 5 blocks away, well, then that’ll be a whole different story. I also hope there are hardly ever any loud 6-hour parties, too.

Bunny has a game he plays with me. Most of the time I walk by the end of the cage when I either come from the kitchen or go into it, he runs to the end of the cage for his nose to be patted. It’s so cute.

Kim called earlier and she didn’t even recognize my voice. I told her I had a cold and that while I could breathe, my nose was still stuffy. I’m only hearing at half a volume still, too. She says she’s dumped Bob, but we’ll see. She says she’s not gonna tell him something like she’s moved to Florida, then have me write and say I heard she was killed. She says she wrote to him just over a month ago and that’ll be it. She says that if I tell him she was killed, he’ll kill himself. I doubt that. We thought he’d kill himself or be killed in jail and he’s still alive.

He sent her 10 stamps. That’s really pushy. I mean, he really is trying to get her into writing to him, huh? At least she gets free stamps out of it.

Kim still feels he’s innocent, but I don’t. Not with his mouth. I know that most guys that talk sex all the time are sluts, but he did say he had a kid and I know there’s no such thing as a childless child molester.

Kim also says she thinks she’s got a cold coming on, too. That sucks. She will be going on her annual Florida trip, though, to see her brother and her grandmother.

I’ve been wondering more and more about Paula losing her son and almost losing her other son. What really could’ve happened? She says it was her sister that called DYS on her. Well, seeing how much the court really favors biology over the child’s best interest, I’d say something big had to have gone down. She says someone suspected he (Robert) was being molested and that she doesn’t know if this happened for sure or who could’ve done so if it did, but I think I know what really happened. I know Paula’s violent streak. I’ve seen her constantly yell at that kid and even slap him really good a few times and I think she beat up on him and the sister (as well as others, probably), saw bruises on him. She was constantly telling Justin during our phone conversations that she was gonna punch him in the mouth if he hit her or didn’t settle down. I hate to say this, but here’s the making of a couple of classic lunatics. I mean, those boys are definitely gonna be so very likely to grow up violent and hating women.

I haven’t had any pre-cramps yet, but they should be well on their way. Hopefully, I won’t be a basket case soon, though, but I’d still say I’ve been feeling much better mentally on an overall basis.

MONDAY, JANUARY 6, 1997
Well, here’s the third day of this cold. Once again, it’s still a fairly easy cold and I’m still able to be up and doing the usual, but yesterday was a bitch. I couldn’t sleep due to my nose running like hell and that was making me depressed and frustrated and I was really wired out.

Then Tom started mentioning nasal sprays and I just laughed cuz those have never worked worth shit for me. Anyway, they have new ones now and I’m glad he let me let him talk me into getting a nasal spray, cuz it really helped a lot so I could finally get to sleep.

I forgot to mention before that his ma gave me a really cute calendar. It’s got drawings of cats and dogs and she thought I might want to try to draw some of them. We’ll see, but lately I haven’t felt like doing much of anything, since colds really drain you. I’ve basically just been at the computer, writing and listening to music. Today, though, I am gonna try my best to get as much of this place cleaned as I can. If I dust, vacuum and air this place out, it should help.

Tom and I both saw the mouse, which I call Gizzy. He was in the living room and then he ran for the bedrooms, but I haven’t seen him since. He hasn’t eaten any of the pellets, so how is he surviving? I’m amazed he hasn’t starved yet.

Well, I just can’t think of anything else to say at this time, so maybe I’ll go do some drawing, work on copying in Andy’s journal stuff or continue putting the years in by each of the entry dates on the computer version journals.

SUNDAY, JANUARY 5, 1997
Still no getting online and I probably won’t be able to for a while yet. It’s Saturday night, so there’s a lot of traffic. I have AOL brought up and on my title bar, so I can keep trying here and there.

Andy says he wants to come over sometime to look around for stuff on Stevie on the web.

Oh, great. I mean, I don’t mind him coming over and I’d like for him to visit more often, but I hope this doesn’t become a regular thing. I also hope he’s not constantly asking me, look up this, look up that, cuz then if I can’t find something, I’ve got to bug Tom and I think he has enough shit going on.

Tom says he feels better physically and is psyched about his schedule and feels that’ll really improve our lives. Well, we’ll see. The question is if it does improve our lives - for how long? How long can he go without being sick? Without being tired a lot of the time or having some kind of injury?

He mentioned missing sex and wants that whenever we can find the time for it, but I don’t know. I still don’t like the idea of a part-time sex life, but perhaps it’s better than nothing and I should just take it. Yes, it can cause problems between us, and who knows if I’ll spot again and have to deal with that shit, but it’ll make him happy, so that’s something to think about. Also, I have been adapting to sex in waves over the last year or so, and sex in waves is what this relationship has always been about and always will be about. Well, I told him I agree to have sex here and there, cuz I know it’s what he wants and that it’ll make him happy.

He also says he still wants a kid and that it won’t take a toll on us, etc. We can handle it, he says. Well, here’s where he’s got a problem cuz I can’t give him a child whether I wanted to or not.

He says he’s gonna do up his list for April 1st and that he’s gonna be right on every one this time. Sorry hun, but there’s not a chance in hell of that happening. I know for a fact that I’ll be right on every single one I wrote down. The only one I could possibly be wrong on, but I highly doubt it, is the improved financial situation and that’s cuz every time you get more money, something comes up or breaks, and that money you got goes to that. He says there’ll be extra money for fun stuff and if one of us needs new shoes or something, we won’t have to wait on it. I hope this is true and I think it just may be. As for the other 5 things I saw, though, there’s no way I’ll be on a normal schedule, not smoking, pregnant, or get up the guts to see a doctor when I’m right about not being pregnant, or that he’ll be cumming more than 3 times a month. That’s just totally impossible. There might be a month occasionally where he gets off 4-5 times, but that’s it. All else I said is inevitable and etched in stone, but that’s good, except for the smoking and the schedule.

SATURDAY, JANUARY 4, 1997
Believe it or not, I have a cold now (it feels so weird to be able to say, “Believe it or not!”). So, I’ll write as much as I can. I’ll be pausing here and there to see if I can get onto AOL. I tried to log in a few times and it was busy. I have stuff I’m gonna look up for Tom, as well as stuff for myself.

It was yesterday that I first began feeling a little off. It’s part of the plan, though, and God knows it. He still doesn’t want us to have much time together, no matter how we think or feel. Next, Tom will be sick all over again, and there’ll be one thing after another. The only good thing about it is, is that we’ll have more time to deal with one thing after another going wrong, due to how he’ll have more free time cuz of his new schedule.

I revised my list for what I see happening from now till April 1st to the following:

I’ll still have a crazy schedule.

I’ll still be smoking.

Our financial situation has improved and will continue to.

You’ll still only cum 1-3 times a mos.

I won’t be pregnant.

I won’t go to a doctor (too chicken to).

Later…

Still no getting through to AOL. Speaking of AOL, I have some pretty cool news about that. Well, Andy and Michelle came over last night, so that was the first time I met Michelle (she’s between plain and cute, but she’s pretty heavy). The computer was on, so she went to look up some actress at a site I never thought to look in. So, I then did that with Gloria, Linda and Norah. I didn’t find any new info on Norah, but I found an awesome web page on Gloria that had all kinds of beautiful pictures. There were 6 photo galleries, so I downloaded about 24 out of the 30 or so pics and printed them out in different sizes. I have some in my journals and some bigger ones in a photo album. I put them in those protective sleeves, as I did with some of my drawings. I also checked out Linda’s web page and that was pretty nice too, but the pictures weren’t nearly as nice as Gloria’s. Tom says he thinks that that’s not Gloria’s only web page. Yeah, I believe that. Unfortunately, they don’t group things together very well and since everything’s so scattered, you just have to hope you can find all of whatever you’re looking for.

My parents called last night. Ma’s right when she said everyone was sick. It seems like the whole country’s sick. Larry gave one of his drivers Christmas off, so he did a delivery to Miami and stopped at their place with the kids along the way. He’s still sick and the kids are, too. At first I asked myself why the kids would go if they were sick, but the answer is probably so they could spend time with Larry. Larry’s so busy so much of the time that he’s hardly ever home. Larry and Sandy are both very devoted to their kids, but Larry’s also a workaholic and probably doesn’t want to spend too much time around Sandy.

Anyway, as I was talking to my folks along with Tom, I saw something on my leg and said, “Oh shit.” I thought it was a baby bee and kept trying to kill it by swatting at it, but it just seemed to come back to life and resurrect itself every time it looked like it was dead. Ma was laughing, no doubt cuz it was me and not her who had to deal with that. She hates bugs, too. Anyway, the thing turned out to be a rather humongous ant.

My parents also said the bingo marathon sucked. They said it was too long, the food sucked and they didn’t win. They wish they’d gone to a party they were invited to, instead. So, that makes 4 people whose New Year’s Eve sucked.

We had an interesting houseguest yesterday that I noticed after he went to bed. We’ve got a mouse hanging around here. I saw it dart by a few different times last night. It’s such a cute little thing, too! Then I didn’t see it for several hours before going to bed, which I did at around 7 AM. I haven’t seen it today yet, either, so maybe it found its way back out.

FRIDAY, JANUARY 3, 1997
Just worked out for the second day in a row.

Earlier, I typed up letters to Larry, Kim and Anne and Harry. I sent one out to my parents yesterday.

Now that Tom’s getting better, what’s the new crisis? He accidentally forgot to write in an ATM withdrawal he made, so now we’ll be tight till the 15th. At least we won’t be for months.

THURSDAY, JANUARY 2, 1997
Geez! What a great start to the New Year. The waterbed heater went on the fritz, but he fixed it. Now the page-down key is getting stuck on me.

I wonder if ‘97 will be like ‘92? The first half of ‘92 sucked, then it got great.

No action next door yesterday, so that’s just fine.

I had money dreams last night, and as I said, money’s one of the predominant vibes I have for ‘97.

I still wonder why God let Tom cum on my birthday when my feelings about having a child were different? Could it be cuz I called that meeting line and he still favors bad things mostly? I don’t know about that, cuz I really didn’t do anything bad. Just played with people’s heads and he didn’t really reward me for waking up Springfield for all those years, either. He took away my sleep for doing that, so no, he definitely doesn’t reward me for doing wrong. Most others, yes, but not me.

I also got curious, despite the fact that I don’t want a child anymore, and I researched some stuff. You ovulate the exact same number of days (14) before your period, regardless of when your period is. From what I could see, he didn’t get off when I would end up ragging 14 days later. Just that first time he did. I get it. God’s looking out for me by keeping his appetite/cumming low and making sure we always miss it, rather than put me through the hassles of a problem occurring where I’d need surgery. That’s cool, but it’d still be nice to not have to deal with periods. I figure I have about 300 more periods to go before they stop, so, my question is this. Will God always make sure we miss it? I mean, I know and trust that he’ll always protect us and keep us from hitting it right, but it’s scary at times. I mean God is such a busy person, so what if he forgets? I guess that’s silly of me. He’s supposed to be able to do anything.

I thought about telling Tom I no longer wanted a child and all the reasons why, but what’s the point? I realized that there was no need to explain something to him that wasn’t a threat in the first place. If I didn’t trust and know God was making sure that a child wouldn’t happen, then I’d have to tell him and then we’d have to figure out what the best method of birth control was for us.

Remember how last summer we both made a list of stuff we did or didn’t see happening over a 3-month period of time? Well, we’re doing that again, and here’s my list of predictions for April 1st, as well as a condensed breakdown of the predictions:

I’ll still have a crazy schedule.

I’ll still be smoking.

Our financial situation will have improved and will continue to improve.

I’m not sure if I’ll be working or if we’ll have lost weight.

You’ll still be cumming only about 1-3 times a mos.

I still won’t be able to conceive and we will both become OK with this as we realize that it’d be both unfair to us and to a kid for us to have one with the way our lives are full of one thing after another. I will have chickened out of seeing a doctor, out of fear of what God would do to us for rebelling against him. Due to both our desire for a child petering out, you will not encourage me to see a doctor and tell me not to be so superstitious. We will also realize the toll a child would take on us and our lives and when we remember my ear, my asthma, your colds, and so much more, it’ll smother our desire for a child all the more, so we’ll both not want this taking a toll on our lives, time and health or income. Cuz a child is so very much not meant to be - we are blessed by God with the fact that we’ll never need to deal with the hassles and side effects of any kind of birth control.

I will still have a crazy schedule.

I will still be smoking.

We will be better off financially.

We will continue to be better off financially.

You’ll still cum 1-3 times a mos.

I won’t be pregnant.

I won’t go to a doctor.

I’ll be OK with not having a child.

You’ll be OK with not having a child.

WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 1, 1997
Phoenix, AZ
Age 31

Well, 1997 came in in a rather shitty way, thanks to Mr. Melodramatic, who just has to take out how he feels on me. Hey, I’m sorry he’s so sick all the time and tired and aching, etc. But it’s not my fault he feels as he does and there’s no need or excuse for him to take it out on me.

Less than a minute before the ball was to drop, the tape ended. I was gonna restart the recorder but said nah. Then, just as it was getting real close to dropping and just as “the window” was starting to open, he had to reach across me, distracting my view of the TV and the premonitions I may have seen, to hit it recording. So I told him, no, it was fine as it was. Then he jumps up and back into his chair, rubs his hands against his head furiously, and it was just such a childish, emotional thing. I mean, can’t he listen?

So, I got all pissed off and right after the ball dropped, I left the room. A few minutes later, he comes in turning it into an attack on me, telling me I’m yelling at him every day, he’s put up with me for years, and my asthma and ear, I was blaming him for being sick, etc. He did say he was sorry he didn’t listen and that he had no idea what was happening.

I told him I was sorry he’s sick and I understood that he didn’t know I was starting to have flashes of future visions, but that I’m sick of his taking his colds out on me. Also, I never blamed him for being sick, but that’s his way of lashing back at me. He can’t just say he’s sorry. He has to blame me for some bogus thing, carry on so dramatically, and try putting a guilt trip on me, all cuz I got mad at him cuz he wouldn’t listen.

Yeah, well, I can tell you this. I get more and more psyched that God blessed me and loved me enough to give me this built-in birth control system. He couldn’t handle a kid any more than I could. He’s too tired, he’s too sick and he won’t have to put up with any more shit than I can help. If he thinks the ear and asthma are too much to deal with, how did he ever expect to deal with me being pregnant and having a kid? I think he’s just getting too old to deal with certain things and his body obviously has a low tolerance for some things, as well as a higher one.

Anyway, I still have that good feeling about ‘97, but it’s not too strong. I’ve had years start off shitty (like with 1992) to get better as it got farther along, but truthfully, I see nothing changing this year. I think everything will be the same as it has been lately, with the exception of his shift change, more money, and some new things here and there. I certainly can’t see myself working, and I know there’ll be no kid, but thank God!!!!!

I’m sorry I spent so much time being angry at God. Yes, I still think there’s too much unfairness in this world that God should control or help or whatever, but the more time goes by, the more I see he was only protecting me and doing me a favor. And Tom, too. And what makes me all the luckier, is that I didn’t have to have an unwanted child first, and then have to deal with the hassles and side effects of some kind of protection. There are enough other women out there who like me, do not desire a child, think they won’t get pregnant, and then end up with a child they never wanted only to get on some kind of protection when it is too late. Then, unlike me, they have to live through their childbearing years with the hassles and side effects that come with that.

Also, when the New Year rang in, I went out back and could hear firecrackers and people cheering.

Someone had Christmas lights wrapped around their palm tree a little ways down and it looked really pretty.

So, I hope that ‘97 brings enough peace, health, and happiness to this household. After all we’ve been through, it’s time for that.

Later…

I talked to Andy for a while. For more than a while, actually, since he keeps going on and on about Quinn and Laura. I don’t mind listening to him, though, at all.

While he’s definitely changed for the better over the last few years, there are still hints of the old Andy there. I guess we all have traits that are set for life within us. What I mean by this is that he went on and on bitching about how he and Laura had a fight like he used to bitch to Brenda and a million other people about our fights. He still confronted the source first, though, and told Laura how he felt, so that’s good. A lot of the time, he wouldn’t even come to me first in the past. I’d find out from someone else that he had a bone to pick with me. I would tell him to be careful whom he told what to. Not cuz I’d give a shit what they thought, but cuz of what they could do to me with the knowledge. People can use certain things they know about you against you. For example, if a neighbor knows you don’t like heavy metal music, and gets pissed at you, wouldn’t they be likely to blast heavy music then? If you’re interested in meeting someone and they know someone who knows about your not-too-cool background, well, then…

I think I know just what Tom’s cum smells like. I thought that if I ever got the chance to smell it, it’d smell like bleach, but it’s a weird odor I can’t even begin to describe. I remember back when he had his own room and how it’d stink in there, so I finally asked to wash his sheets. The sheets he said he washed regularly that I believe were really on the bed for many months before they were washed. After he came, though, I think I remember the room smelling like that. So, I just did his sheets, which were put on his bed last Saturday, cuz I noticed that smell and now it’s gone. So he can have fun while he’s sick, huh? I guess it’s easier for him to do himself, rather than go through the motions of screwing me at his age and with being sick.

As much as there are a million things I love about Tom, he still has a few traits that really piss me off. He told me he has no regrets about dealing with my ear and other stuff, even if it was tiring on him, but he felt that I couldn’t deal with his being sick. Yes, it’s true. I do admit I’ve been a lousy wife and nurse and I haven’t done shit to make him better. All I’ve done is suggest cold stuff, seeing a doctor, and I’ve made him some hot chocolate. I made kugel (spelling?) for the first time last night, too, which came out good. He had some, too.

I did tell Tom, though, don’t come to me, as he did a couple of nights ago, and tell me what a wonderful wife I’ve been and how great a job I’ve done at taking care of him and helping him through his colds when we both know it’s bullshit. I don’t like the casual lies. An example of that is his pickup-after-me obsession. I walked up to their cage and found their water bowl in the middle of it and not at the end and out of their way. So I asked him if he knew about it and he said he saw the water was empty, filled it, and then put it back in the same dent in the sawdust made by the bowl. Now, unless Bunny moved it, that is quite an obvious and casual lie and Tom knows that all a person has to do is just deny something they’re accused or asked about and what else can one do? Just not believe them.

I can’t even ask him for little things like to please not get crumbs on his chair in the living room. They end up on his chest and he stands up and then they fall off here, there, and everywhere. And I can’t even ask him to stop getting crumbs on the keyboard and mouse pad, cuz that’s such a big deal, too. He can’t even do that and what pisses me off even more is that he says he tries his best. Well, I’m sorry, but he’s much too intelligent to not be able to do this. And then I’m even more pissed off at the fact that he can’t just come out and tell the truth and tell me he doesn’t want to do what I asked of him. I hate it when someone says they’ll do something they don’t want to do, rather than just tell me they don’t want to do it. We all have our quirks and obsessions, so why he has to deny/hide this, beats me.

I feel pretty bad for Andy. Guess that new dealer didn’t work out, so now he’s still running to Quinn for weed. He’s still having a hard time getting over him. I told him that we all go through different phases in our lives and I think he knows that dreams are for the dreamer and that reality is for the living.

At least I can say that as far as my life goes, I’ve never felt better in a long time. It’s so nice to be “dreamless” for a change. I can handle things I think about a lot or imagine a lot or think I might like to do or that may be nice, but it is such a relief not to have to be burdened and tortured with a constant desire that’s impossible to act on and make real, 24/7. The anger, the depression, the frustration, was just too damn much. I thought it’d never let me go and out of its vice-like grip for a while there. I must’ve done something right along the way that God really agreed with, for him to let me off the hook and get out of doing my so-called womanly duty.

Anyway, Tom agreed to call a doctor if he gets sick again, and until and if I see differently, I know that after he’s better for a few days, he’s just gonna get sick all over again. He’s exposed to a lot of sick people at work and Ryan was sick at Christmas. How rude of him. He knew he was sick, yet he had to stand over Tom at the computer and breathe all over him. I still can’t believe I haven’t been sick yet, but God help me if I do get sick, cuz guess who may very well be paying me back?! He says he doesn’t lash out at those who lash out at him or give them what he got from them, but I never believed that for the most part, either. Once again, though, all he has to do is deny that. That way there’s no having to deal with my reaction and then he can keep on denying whatever, too.

He’s watching TV now and I’ve just been staying the hell away from him. I don’t want any bullshit now.

I can see, though, more and more what a shitty mother I’d have made if God wasn’t looking out for me. I’d be terrible at taking care of it if it were well, let alone sick. I wouldn’t even know what to do with the thing.

Later…

Everyone’s sick! Tom’s mom is sick, too. He says he thinks he had a cold and then got hit with the flu. That happens, but after this, what will he be hit with? I know God may have a lot of love for us and things to bless us with, but all must be balanced out, and he does like to give us one thing after another to have to deal with.

He just offered to play a few card games which he won all of. So that was nice and now he’s in bed.

I feel like I’m forgetting to write about something else I had in mind, but can’t remember it at this time.

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Last updated June 17, 2024