November 1996 in 1990s

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 1996
Tom got in at 10 last night and crashed not too long afterward.

He won $90 at the dog racetrack! That’s great. He says that can all be play money for going shopping tomorrow morning. He said maybe he’ll find a book he wants. I hope so. Meanwhile, we didn’t split the money in any kind of way. We just decided that we’d get what we wanted till it ran out.

No new news about his family, so that’s nice.

We may stop by to see Carol and Steven before they return to California.

He went to bed after being up for around 19 hours and he said, “See you in a few hours,” and right away I thought, here we go again!

I really firmly believe that he just isn’t quite ready for a kid and is gonna start doing whatever he can do to make sure he’s too tired or too busy over the next 10 days or so, so he can’t have sex and can’t get off. I also firmly believe that he’s both teasing me and trying to “teach me life lessons” as far as patience, maturity, attitudes, dealing with life, etc. It could be a lot of factors and I think it is. I think he wants a new job first, more money, and God knows what else before he feels ready for a kid. He says, for example, that money would never have been a problem as far as a kid goes, but it’s not that easy for me to take him at face value. Why did he tell me he was so sure the job would produce a kid, then turn around and say that that’s not the way to make a kid and tell me that spontaneity is the way? The contradictions really frustrate me and piss me off. His stories, opinions, and beliefs seem to change just way too much when it comes to sex and making the kid. I just don’t know what to believe, anymore, or if he’s fully leveling with me about something he’s telling me or trying to explain to me. I’m tempted to ask him why he said he was so sure that the job would work, then say the opposite, but what’s the point? I’ve got to get myself into the habit of not asking questions when I can’t have a kid no matter what he does. If I see him avoiding me during mid-cycle times over the next few months, I’d normally ask him about it, but I’ve got to remember that if I see him do this, to tell myself to let him run scared or avoid sex then, cuz I can’t have a kid anyway, and fate is fate. If it were meant to be, it would’ve already happened and it wouldn’t have mattered when we screwed or when he got off.

I just don’t trust a lot of what he says. I never know if he’s gonna tell me the exact opposite of something the next day, or something that’s a little different from the original version a week later.

If he’s really trying to teach me any new attitudes or anything about life, it’s wrong. If I need or want to learn something about myself or life and make any personal changes, that’s got to be done by me. Someone can ask you for advice, but you can’t change or control people. He says that I shouldn’t try to change or control people, but this is exactly what I feel he’s trying to do to me. It’s not his job to change my ways. It’s up to me and me only to change anything about me or the way I go about life. Not my mother, not my sister, not Andy, not him, not anyone.

Maybe the way I feel confused by a lot of the things he says and does will help make my desire to have the kid we can’t have easier to live with. I mean, I just can’t live up to that list I wrote. I want to try to live up to it when I’m around him, but in here and in my own mind, no way.

I’m telling you right now what he’s gonna do over the next 10 days or so. So if I come back and write in that he did just what I felt he’d do, then obviously I do have grounds for my beliefs and theories and aren’t just a lucky guesser. I think that if you hit it right about a certain subject too many times, you can’t be just a lucky guesser. It can’t be a coincidence. I do hope, though, with all my heart, that I end up writing just the opposite of what I said I felt would happen. No one wants to be right in the wrong kind of way, but I’ve never been wrong yet on this one. Only about his getting off. Still, though, I’ve been 100% right about my not getting pregnant.

I’m almost tempted to make up an excuse for why I can’t screw if he initiates that from the 2nd to the 6th. I just don’t want him to have the satisfaction of knowing he’s not gonna get off those days, then kiss me frantically, while he tells me how close he was after being on top of me for only two seconds.

I just want him to quit fucking with my head, quit trying to change or develop me into anything else that he thinks is best for me, and just level with me. I don’t want his stories to keep changing so much, either. And if he’s reading this, I’ll be right for sure over the next 10 days. I know him very well enough to know just what kinds of things he’ll do the opposite of what I say and what he’ll do just what I say.

Oh, how bad I want to be dead wrong about how I believe he’ll treat me on my birthday and how I believe he won’t get off during the right times! Not a chance, though. I mean, I just can’t see it. Boy, would I be shocked if he did just one of these (which would probably be to treat me nicely on my birthday). But you know what one of my “life rules” is. If I want it bad, there’s a 99.9% chance I can’t have it.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 1996
Good, God! Every time I lose 2 pounds and have a few bites to eat, it comes right back. It’s hopeless. Well, I am trying to not try so hard on things in general, so I guess I’ll just let my weight do what it’s meant to do, rather than fight it. If it were to really start getting out of control, then maybe I’ll try and see if I can fight it.

I have both good and bad news to report. First of all, Tom explained to me what happened with the VCR. He said that he watched some TV that morning, accidentally hit the record button without realizing it, then went back to do some computer work for a couple of hours. He said he didn’t turn it off, cuz he figured it’d be towards the end of the tape, anyway, and that it’d just hit the end and rewind itself.

The day before yesterday, we went to the mall and finally got the mugs made up with our pictures on them. The lady there was really nice. She was an older lady who talked a bit much, went on and on about her grandson, but was friendly. She had us pose in front of a video camera and then we’d pick the shot we liked. However, I thought I looked awful, no matter what, so I picked the least awful one I could. I guess I’m starting to age, but I just looked totally pitiful. We made up two pictures of each of the two shots she took, so we could send one each to them. The funny thing about it was that she got one of them upside down. I jokingly told Tom we ought to send that one to my mom. It’s too cool and funny for me to give it to someone like Andy, so I’ll keep it for ourselves.

They had hundreds of names on mugs and key chains. Even names I’ve never heard of before. There was also a file drawer filled with names not yet cooked onto mugs or key chains. Tom said to the woman, “I’ll bet you don’t have her mother’s name.”

Sure enough, though, and to our surprise, they had the name Dureen. I’ve never heard of anyone else in this world with this name and if I knew the mall had that name written down on whatever, I’d think it had to do directly with my mother if I didn’t know any better.

I’ve seen my name also spelled Jodie and Jody, but never Jodey, like I saw on a key chain there. They even had a Lin one and not just the typical Lyn, Lynn or Lynne.

We also got a bite to eat in the mall, then, I got myself the new journal that I’m doing now.

We also went to a store that has stuff seen on TV. They had that Braidini and Hairdini thing I’d like to have, among a few other nice things. I think that just about every store in that mall and everywhere has enough stuff I’d like.

I couldn’t believe just how many pregnant teens I saw at the mall, even though I can. I saw about 5 pregnant people and not one of them was over 20. It’s sick. It really is.

After we came home Tom was on my case about being cranky. To him, being cranky means to bitch or complain more than usual. He agreed that maybe I wasn’t being that way and maybe he was too sensitive, but I was. I just hated the way I looked. Anyway, he said he hoped I’d be less cranky, cuz he missed having fun and my being cranky drains him. I said that I had thought that when you love someone and are attracted to them, you’re supposed to love them and be turned on by them and want to touch them, regardless of what mood they’re in. He said that for him, sex and love and attraction are all different things that aren’t connected. He said that sex is a mental thing with him, even though he also says he has to be with someone to whom he’s attracted. When I talk about attraction, I’m talking about someone good-looking. He swears, though, that he does not punish me. Whatever. I’m still wary about what he’s gonna do on my birthday, but it looks like I’ll be asleep for the bulk of that day.

Tom tells me that I should just live life, which means not planning so much, not trying so hard, and not assuming so much. Also, to not do things with so many expectations. This is gonna be pretty impossible advice to follow. He makes it sound so easy, but I don’t think I can ever help myself if this is what it’ll take.

He says that my not having a kid or having a kid won’t change how I feel. He said what I’m feeling is normal and that there are always things we all want really bad, it’s just a matter of how people deal with it and live life in the meantime. Well, obviously I’m the wimpiest of them all, cuz I can’t seem to deal with shit when it comes to accepting and dealing with the stuff I want real bad that I can never have.

I always thought that these feelings would go away if I had a kid. The desire to have one would go away if I had one, but he’s right; there’d just be something new to replace the kid desire. Something new I’d want really bad. I guess there really is no point in having a kid, is there? Why not just always want one thing, instead of one thing after another?

I’ve decided that no matter how I feel emotionally, it really would be best to keep things as they are. That’s no problem, as you probably figured a long time ago, too, so this is the formula of life I’m gonna try to live by. Tom says it’s OK, for example, to believe I’ll never have a kid, but that I shouldn’t live my life like I’m not going to. Well, what should I do then? Run out and get cribs and all kinds of things for a baby? I think that’d be premature. I can only live my life how it is unless there is a change of any kind. If we decide to move, for example, we can check into the details of it then. Not now.

From what people have said, it seems like they think that a woman who tries too hard or who believes she’s sterile, can’t get pregnant, or has a much harder time doing so. This doesn’t make too much sense to me. I’ve heard of other people who found they were pregnant when they thought they never could be. As far as that and the trying part - how can that change how biology works, unless there’s something physically wrong? I would think that a person’s plumbing (eggs, sperm, ovaries, uterus, etc.) would be as they are and function however they’re gonna function, regardless of what those people’s attitudes, moods, or beliefs are. But last night he did say something about my belief that I can’t conceive being a factor in why I haven’t. How, though? How? I don’t think it could be anything I’ve said, thought, done or felt. I think it’s God’s will. That coupled with the fact that Tom gets off so little.

Tom also told me that he didn’t want to quit the job and that he thought I wanted to quit. Yeah, I did want to quit for two reasons. Cuz even though it was fun and I don’t want to have sex too infrequently, it won’t produce a baby and he said he likes spontaneity. So I asked him why he’d want to do the job if he likes spontaneity and he said it was cuz he was OK with accepting that you can’t have everything your way in a marriage and he wanted to make me happier. So I asked him point-blank what he thinks the ideal sex life is for him. He said spontaneously with no plans, rules or expectations. So, I agreed to do this that way, if it’ll please him. I feel that as long as I get sex enough, I can be flexible with how we go about it. Then I asked him if we should avoid the mid-cycle area and he said no, cuz that’d be part of planning. True, but I’m sure (and I can’t help it if I feel I know something) that he and God will make sure we spontaneously don’t happen to have sex during those times and if we do, I’m still pretty sure enough that he won’t cum.

Anyway, about the life formula I haven’t written in yet - if I try to take his advice as often as I can, maybe life will be easier, whether it ever changes or not.

Live life.

Keep my promise about not killing myself.

Keep my promise to give Tom the child he may want (if possible).

Don’t assume too much.

Don’t worry about my schedule - accept it, accept myself, accept life.

Don’t try to control things, but trying to make changes for the better is OK.

It’s OK to think or believe stuff - but I need to wait and see what really happens.

Try not to place reason on stuff.

Keep an open mind and try to see that my beliefs, theories & answers may not be right or the only ones.

Have sex spontaneously with no rules or expectations, don’t try to have sex or avoid sex during prime conception times.

This is gonna be difficult. Very difficult. But I’m gonna try my best.

Tom will see a copy of these 10 things. I wrote them up and taped them to the bathroom wall. I use the bathroom every day, so I figured that this would be the best way to help remind me of this stuff. I still don’t know what it’ll accomplish or if it’ll help me if I can go by these tips, but I guess I couldn’t know without trying.

Anyway, last night I couldn’t sleep and ended up being up 20 hours. No, I didn’t make it to Thanksgiving, which I felt bad about, even if it would’ve been boring. Tom went, though, and why did I say David and Evie live in Mesa? They live in Tempe. Anyway, he said it was both too planned and too unorganized, but he had an OK enough time, anyway. He brought back some turkey, yams and stuffing for me.

Tammy left a message today wanting computer help from Tom. So, I called her and let her know he went to David and Evie’s and that I was home not feeling well (my wisdom tooth is bugging me again, so thank God they’re coming out soon). She said that a program froze up (crashed), but they fixed it.

I didn’t get up till 3 PM, but it was amazingly quiet for Turkey Day. This is the longest stretch of time next door’s been quiet. They’ve been the best with their music too, for a while now and if they were like this all the time, I’d never want them to move. I just hope it stays this way. I thought they’d freak out more during the winter months, but I guess they like to party more and play their music louder more so in the summer.

I did an art project for Tom earlier. It was funny cuz he was saying it was a big huge project, but it was nothing for me. He wanted simple little drawings to use for doing programming, which is his hobby. He wants to put it on cards for his card game, I guess. He says he’s finally ready to do the envelopes I drew up and scan those in, but we’ll see. He still seems to procrastinate a lot of the time. In fact, if I had to give Tom “life tips,” I’d tell him to be more consistent (that goes for me, too) and not procrastinate so much. Also, continue being neater and more organized. I guess I won’t say to put stuff back where I put it, cuz I still think he likes me to do that for him, us, or whatever.

Later…

I talked to Andy last night. We made our final round of calls to the suckers whose numbers he wrote down that he got from my mailbox. I’d say that Ky (Mr. Scott M), who claims to be in this grand porno business, and Jim, were the biggest suckers of them all.

Right now, Tom is at the dog racing track with his mother, Carol and Steven. To take his advice, which was to not worry about my schedule and to just accept it, isn’t that easy right now. It seems my schedule is wrapping around faster. I fell asleep yesterday morning at around 6:30, after peeing twice in a row. I thought I was all peed out, but I got up at 8:30 and 11:30 to pee, too. Then I told myself I’d just go lay down for a little longer. The next time I opened my eyes, though, it was 6 PM. And Tom says my schedule will just happen to fix itself someday? I don’t think so!

I gained a pound after eating just a few bites of pie and a doggie mug after more than 12 hours. This is crazy, but oh well.

I know he doesn’t get to see Carol and Steven too often, but not surprisingly, he’s starting to get busier and more tired and my guess is that it’ll keep on going like that till about 2 or 3 days after I’m mid-cycle. Maybe even longer. Yet he tells me I shouldn’t plan? That I should be spontaneous? And not try to have sex during these times or avoid sex? Well, what do you call what he’s doing? I call it running scared. I call it someone who’ll take a kid if it came, but would prefer not to if he can help it. Not till around March or April, anyway, or after he gets a new job. When the hell that’ll be, I don’t know. It’s not easy for him to get to job interviews cuz he works days.

I still wish I’d been up earlier and I still feel guilty about not going out tonight and to Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving would’ve been boring as all hell, but it would’ve been a wonderful distraction from the daily grind of the same old, same old.

Larry called earlier. It was fun talking with him, as always. I’m glad he called now, cuz if he tried on my birthday, he’d probably miss me. I don’t mind my sister or parents missing me on that day and I’m rather glad that with the way things look, I should be sleeping for most of that day. There are 3 things I don’t know how I’m gonna do, though. How am I gonna get to the dentist? How am I gonna be up and available to call my parents for Chanukah? How am I gonna get together with Andy next week? We have to reschedule Dr. Neilson, though, cuz Tom can’t get off early enough on the 5th.

Andy says there’s a homemade part of my birthday present and a store-bought part.

Also, Andy’s sister in CA is pregnant with twins. That’s the second set of twins in his family. His brother David and his wife have twins.

Well, God doesn’t give everyone only what they can handle, or else no one would kill themselves. Also, people who get murdered obviously couldn’t handle that, or else they’d have survived, but maybe God gives some of us only what we can handle and cuz of my schedule problem, this is exactly why I’ll be forever childless. Why he can’t and won’t help me fix my schedule problem, then give me what I want, beats me. I just can’t see, though, how Tom can be right when he says that having the kid will fix my schedule. How? That seems impossible. Nothing’s ever fixed it yet, so how could anything ever fix it? According to God, I can’t handle a kid and I don’t deserve it, but that doesn’t mean that that rule applies to most people. Most people that can’t handle or that don’t deserve kids - no problem as far as God’s concerned. They can still have kids.

Anyway, Larry beat me to the question of the weather there, so he could hear my laugh he loves so much. Right at the beginning of our conversation, he said it was hard to get home at night with all the snow and ice and I burst out laughing. In truth, though, there’s no snow and it’s about 24° there now. That’s actually pretty warm for them. It was down to 10° there last night and that’s what it should be when we spoke at 10 PM his time.

Sandy and Larry were asleep and Jenny was at the neighbor’s, so I didn’t get to talk to them.

Larry moved his office to West Springfield instead of CT so it’ll be a shorter commute.

He says he talks to Tammy every once in a while but tries not to, cuz he says he never knows what disease the family’s gonna have. Yeah, I know exactly what he means.

Get this, though, it fucking figures that he’s allowed to call Mom and Dad once or twice a week like he does, but if I were to call more than once a month, I get crucified for it. It just goes to prove once again how much more Mom and Dad favor Larry and Tammy over me. Guess I have a natural talent for being people’s least favorite. I’m the family’s least favorite, God’s least favorite, and who knows who else’s least favorite.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 1996
You could say I’m a bit tired today. Last night I realized I had to set my clock, or else I’d never get to my ear and teeth appointments.

We’re gonna go to the mall after Tom gets home to get the mugs made up. The cool thing about it is that we won’t have to use an old picture. They have a video screen, so you don’t have to worry about them taking a lousy picture. They set you up just right, right there on the spot.

At the end of the week, we’ll be getting Chanukah cards, too. I’ve got to get 4 of them. One for my folks, one for Larry and his family, Tammy and her family and Andy.

Tomorrow night is gonna suck and be incredibly boring. We’ll be at David and Evie’s for a no doubt drooling 4-6 hours.

Tonight, Tom and I are gonna make up a couple of chocolate pudding pies to take over there.

He was too tired for fun last night, cuz Tuesdays are his longest days where he has to get up really early and work long days, but I wonder if he will want fun tonight? It seems to me, that he’d want to hurry up and get some release before it gets “dangerous.”

I hope I’m wrong about the serious doubt I felt when he said my birthday’s gonna be wonderful. It seems like I’ve had only 3 good birthdays and like that day’s cursed. I always have some kind of bad luck, but I’d definitely say that the last one was the worst. He was so mean to me. Maybe the reason it’s not too good of a day and something usually goes wrong that day is cuz I wasn’t supposed to have birthdays in the first place since I was supposed to be miscarried. Anyway, if it isn’t a great day, then I hope it isn’t a bad day.

My birthday and the days right before and right after will be the perfect test to see just how accurate I still am about things I feel so strongly about. Here’s what I see, then we’ll see how right I am, if I am, and I’m just about totally sure I will be. My first guess is that we’ll have sex once on either one of the following dates, which would be somewhere between the 2nd - 6th and he won’t cum. My second guess is that we won’t have sex on any of those dates. Also, I feel that the next two times he gets off will be anywhere from tonight to the 30th or the 1st and then again around the 12th.

I wish I knew I was gonna be so very wrong! I mean, it’s time for me to eat my words again. I’m due for it. I miss that happy feeling I had when I first got here, even though I had my troubles. It was just that feeling of getting something I really wanted and feeling like God really did decide to love me and care about the things I cared about after all. I wish I could feel that again.

There have been a couple of unexpected and nice changes, though. First of all, I still haven’t been woken up for waking those callers up. Also, I haven’t been punished for getting up the nerve to pray to God.

First I told him that I accepted his hatred for me and that he’ll never allow me a child, but to please, please, please, let me be OK with that and let me be able to find some other purpose in life that’s fulfilling enough, without me having to feel all these bad emotions and like I’m forced to settle. Then I told him that that still stands. If he won’t change his mind, like I’ve always felt, I still want to be OK with it, find something else, and be OK with that. However, my first choice really is for him to love me, be fair, and let me have my dream.

I guess you could say that I still do wish I was one of those who could feel his love and that he cares for me and listens to me and will make everything OK and help me help myself towards getting the things I need and want. I don’t want to always feel that God’s cruel, unfair and that he hates me, but as of yet, I haven’t found a reason to feel otherwise.

I still feel quite tired. I probably won’t wake up till nightfall. That’s how it usually works with me. I decided to give the Melatonin another shot. I got up at 8:00 and the bummer of it is, is that I know I’ll be up till 2:00, then I’ll have to get up at 8:00 and have gotten even less sleep. I’m not one of those who can go to bed earlier just cuz I’m tired and didn’t sleep quite enough, otherwise, I’d never have this sleeping schedule problem to begin with. It’s cuz I can’t go to sleep around the same time that keeps my schedule moving around. I’ve tried to keep getting up at the same time, but after having so many nights of 6 hours of sleep, and then 4 hours of sleep, it really gets to me.

Tom gave me the following two suggestions that he feels will help me towards getting the things I want and just life in general. He said to have an open mind and not always assume I know stuff for sure. Also, to not try to place reason on the things that happen. Well, that sure is gonna be hard as hell. That’s like asking me to change something that’s so very much a part of me. I’ll try not to do this as much out loud to him, but journals are for analyzing such thoughts, beliefs, theories and ideas. But does he really believe these suggestions will help me? Or would it better serve himself? In some cases, I can follow this advice. For example, I’ve never tried to ask myself why I like collecting dog/cat mugs. Also, I don’t know for sure if we’ll move or when. I feel that there’s a chance we may move, and then we also may not move. I don’t know. But something like the kid issue, for example, is just too damn obvious for me to even think I could fool myself by saying that I didn’t know if that was possible. It’s just too obvious, what with the same pattern I see, just like I have when it came to other things I wanted really bad. I know it’s not meant to be. It’s just too obvious and for me to say I didn’t know, I’d have to be either sick or in serious denial of the obvious truth. I’d have to be quite naïve, too, and not have a damn clue as to how my life has worked and is supposed to work. I’m not supposed to have the things I want really, really bad. I have kept an open mind, though, to the fact that there could be a few different reasons as to why, too. My first guess is that it is a punishment. The punishment, I can understand, even though I’m not quite sure what it was I was supposed to have done so bad to get punished like this. However, if it’s a protection thing, that baffles me. Why not just give me my dream and make sure it works out and doesn’t kill me or ruin my life in any way if God can do anything and if he doesn’t hate me so much? If he knows something I don’t, like maybe childbirth would kill me or maybe I’d wish for these days back and hate being a mom so much, then can’t he make sure these things don’t happen?

Maybe there’s some whole other reason, that makes total sense, as to why I’m sitting here at home alone dreaming, while throughout every city and town, pregnant teens who dropped out of school are home alone watching all about kids and babies on TV. It’s on just about every channel and commercial. I used to say that if I were pregnant, I’d have to get books on everything from pregnancy to raising it, but not anymore. All I’d have to do is turn the TV on, pick a channel, and all the information I’d need would almost certainly be right there.

Speaking of TVs, Tom did something that makes no sense at all and I hope this wasn’t something he deliberately did, to take advantage of how I say there’s always a problem with reception and things getting recorded. I didn’t have anything recorded on the tape in the VCR that I wanted to see, but he left a message saying that if there was anything on there, sorry, but he accidentally recorded over it. He left at about 7:30 and when I came out of the bedroom just after 8:00, the thing was still recording. This makes no sense. I mean, if he had accidentally hit the record button, why didn’t he turn it off the second he turned it on? Why’d he keep letting it go? Well, I’ll tell him that the next time he thinks I may have something taped, and if he hits the record button, to turn it right off. Don’t just let it keep going and going. Better to lose a few seconds of whatever I may have recorded, not all of it.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 1996
Well, Bunny finally figured out how to get out of the cage. When I woke up, she was hanging around in the back room. So far, and miraculously, I haven’t found anything damaged and I hope neither of us ever does. Tom brought some screen in that was in the garage and I laid that across the top of the cage. Then I weighed down the corners with books.

We had fun yesterday, but he didn’t get off. I’m surprised he didn’t, but I’m still just about as sure as I can be that he’ll get off too soon, then too late. There have been times, though, where he did cum at the right time, so, that wouldn’t do us any good. As long as he has fun and as long as I don’t feel inadequate in bed like I used to.

I still really believe that this weighing 102-104 is my compensation for his getting off. It’s a worthy compensation, though. I know God wouldn’t change his mind, but if he did and let us have a kid, imagine what he’d do to me for it. If he didn’t have the kid come out all crippled or something, he’d cripple me.

It’s not a curse. God doesn’t give us more than we can handle. Those that committed suicide should’ve just hung on, cuz better days would’ve come. God doesn’t hate anybody. It’s for a reason. These words of inspiration keep going through my head over and over again. If this were true, then is it really true that God’s denied me a child cuz he’s just looking out for me and trying to protect me from being a bad mother? That doesn’t make sense, though, cuz he could make me be able to handle it and be a good mother. Also, what is it - a case of me not being allowed to be a bad mom if that’s what he thought, while millions of others are allowed to be? God quite obviously has no objections to bad mothers and he does give kids to those who can’t handle it. That’s why their kids end up in foster care or with other relatives.

I’m trying to be more creative with the way I think, but can’t come up with any more than the few theories I already have had for quite a while as to why my life is the way it is. I still can’t see this as anything else but a curse. How can there be a reason? Is it cuz I can’t keep a schedule? Well, if God didn’t hate me, knows how much I want a kid, then why can’t he make me be able to keep a schedule? How can there be a justified reason for his denying me a child and letting teenagers and all kinds of people who don’t deserve kids have them? What about all those people who don’t want kids that do have kids? It still makes no sense to me, other than that it spells out a sure and simple curse to me.

Mary says there’s a reason for kids getting molested/raped and killed.

There is? Now how can there be any logical and just reason for such a thing as that?

Mary also told me that she didn’t do anything to prevent herself from getting pregnant for two years, and then she had a miscarriage. Then two more years went by with unprotected sex before she had another miscarriage, then she needed a hysterectomy. So let me guess - in August of ‘98, I’ll have another spotting incident, then need a hysterectomy myself, right? Well, I wouldn’t mind a hysterectomy, since I can’t use my plumbing the way I’d like to. God may as well take that too, cuz there’s no point in my having to deal with periods. I just wish God and Tom wouldn’t tease me in the midst of what they’re doing. I wish they’d just do what they’re gonna do and that’s it.

Yesterday, Tom and I had fun and he didn’t get off, but he had a lot of pre-cum. I told him he was so juicy that had it been around my birthday and if I were OK, who knows? And then I know I saw this smirk on his face. I wanted to come out and say, “All right. What are you gonna do to me on my birthday, since your last one wasn’t so great and since I made the mistake of telling you that most of my birthdays suck? Are you gonna be too hurt and tired for sex? Or are you gonna think you’re getting my hopes up by wanting to screw, just to end up not getting off?” I guess I can’t stop him from doing whatever it is that he has in mind, can I?

Tom says he believes that negative thinking can hold you back and can produce negative happenings, but I disagree. I think that’s just superstitious and that fate is fate. Remember, there have been plenty of things I thought negatively about that turned out positive and vice versa. I was so sure I’d never get married. I did. I was so sure I’d be a singer. I didn’t.

I looked in the TV Guide but couldn’t find anything about those home courses for computers and stuff like that.

Later…

Andy and Lisa called me today. I also spoke to Tammy earlier and let her know that Ray, Tom’s oldest brother, who’s about 48, is in the hospital. They can’t figure out what’s wrong with him, and apparently, his body’s been doing some really weird things that no doctor has ever seen before. His heart stops beating and he’s bleeding from inside, but they don’t know where. They sent a scope down his throat and up his ass, and they’re still stumped. He may not make it, but time will tell what will happen.

I guess Thanksgiving at David and Evie’s is still on, though. Where we’ll be having Christmas is still unknown at this time, but if I had to guess, I’d say it’ll be at Ma’s.

We finally got our stamps. We got 20 Chanukah stamps and 20 Christmas stamps.

Andy called me and we didn’t chat about much. Just the usual.

Lisa called me collect like I taught her to do, I refused it and called her back.

This was one of our most positive chats. The only thing she mentioned going on is that she’s been having trouble with some classmates, but thinks it’ll work out. I hope it will.

She also says she still wants to be a singer but is really into weather and is thinking she may want to be a meteorologist. She thinks tornadoes are really cool. Me too, I told her, but neither of us would want to encounter one of those face-to-face. She thought it was really far out, as I did, that once again, we had yet another thing in common.

She had asked me about Joe, as I mentioned before, and she asked me if I had any information about him. Truthfully, I don’t know any more than she does. Just that he was Mexican, a cop, played guitar in a band for fun, was abusive, and a liar who was already married when he was with Tammy. Tammy got a call from her.

Andy was supposed to call me back. He had to hang up really quick to run and hide his pot, cuz his landlord showed up. Even if his landlord caught him smoking or smelled it, I’m sure he’ll do nothing about it. I’m sure he knows that the bulk of the population smokes pot and that he can’t stop Andy from living his own life.

We went to the library last night. I picked up another John Saul book I may not have read yet and another one similar to it by someone else. I noticed it was free to send away to be in Saul’s fan club, so I did. You get newsletters and information about upcoming publications.

I suppose I’m never gonna get a damn thing more from Gloria’s club.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 1996
Instead of using the period charts I made in one of my previous journals (102 I think), I printed out charts for 1996, even though there’s not much time left for 1996. Also, charts for 1997, 1998 and 1999. I’ll be sure to use up every month of every year! Anyway, till I get bored with it, I’ll write an O for the day my rag comes, an X when he cums, and a + for when I’m mid-cycle. I want to see if I see any particular patterns over the years. I hope not, but I wouldn’t be surprised if I did.

As I was saying about how that TV dinner threw 3 pounds on me; I have such a slow metabolism now. In the past, that never would’ve thrown 3 pounds on me; I’d have stayed the same. There were even times I pigged out and then my weight dropped a pound or 2 afterward. It seems that something like a TV dinner throws 3 pounds on me and something like a bowl of cereal throws on 2 pounds.

Shortly after we arrived at Mom’s on Saturday, Mary came over, cuz we needed her car space to haul in the shower surround. Tom and Mom went to get it and Mary and I stayed at the house.

I was in the living room and Mary was in the computer room and for 20 minutes I thought about talking to her about how she deals with never being able to have a kid. I kept asking myself if I could really trust her as much as I felt I could and if I’d have enough time to get into it. Finally, I broke down and asked her if she could keep a secret. I told her pretty much the whole scoop and was shocked to hear she knew all about what DES was. She was very happy to talk to me and told me that God doesn’t hate anyone (I disagree with that), that she wanted a baby so bad, had two miscarriages, and had a hysterectomy (which I knew, of course), but she’s now OK with the idea that she can’t have a kid. She said there’s a reason for everything, which I believe, too, and it could be anything from that it isn’t time yet and that I may need to give it a couple of years, to that there’s some lost child out there that nobody wants who needs me. She threw the idea of adopting or working with kids at me and said that my record for the prank calls and my childhood, which I told her a little about, wouldn’t have any bearing on my adopting, cuz it happened when I was a child. She says everyone has a destiny (I still don’t know about that), and that maybe God’s guiding me away from what I think is right for me into something else. Yeah, God’s guiding me away from what I want, but I don’t feel like he’s guiding me into anything else. Maybe he really is trying to tell me to adopt and work with others’ kids, though. I’ve been wondering about it, as you know. She said it could also be that God’s waiting till I get over how I feel about the issue or till I help others’ kids, but not to give up yet. She, too, mentioned something that Tom mentioned, which is to not try so hard.

We talked for about 15 minutes, which really helped me. I do believe I can trust her and I admire her for not being afraid of me cuz of my past. She seems very open and understanding of those with both past and current lives like mine and she even started crying shortly before Tom and Mom returned. I told her I was sorry, cuz I didn’t mean to make her cry, but she said that it was just cuz of the empathy in her and the way she feels for others.

I don’t know if I remembered to mention this, but Robin was telling me too, that Lisa needs me more than I think and of course, the bullshit about my having my own kid, too.

Mary was kind enough to kill cobwebs for me that were on the bench swing out back without laughing her ass off at me. It wouldn’t have been the end of the world if she had laughed, cuz after all, we all have things we’re rather afraid of or creeped out by. She said her family doesn’t laugh at stuff like that and hey, her stepson’s 14 and needs to sleep with the light on. So what?

Tom’s family really is cool and lots of wonderful things really have happened to me over the last few years, as Tom and Mary pointed out to me and Mary said I got 80 more relatives since being out here. Then Mary was telling me how she used to think her family was too normal until she got to know Dave’s family. I told her that her family and mine are like the difference between night and day and that I understood perfectly well. We discussed how this kind of thing makes us not take a lot of things for granted and she also said something about my past troubles making me stronger. Stronger for what, though? To deal with the sterility? Well, I haven’t been doing a very good job of it, have I? I can’t hope for a kid, cuz that’s impossible, but I do hold out the hope that I’ll be OK with not having one, too, and find a possible destiny that I can live with. I still hope to work helping kids, but I don’t know how I’ll manage to keep my schedule going or what I’ll do for transportation, no matter what job I do. Tom says not to try to control or change my feelings and to just live day by day, but I still hope I’ll be able to be OK with not having the kid (even though he’s sure we’ll have one), do something productive in life that won’t be a settlement, and not get hit with a new thing I want so bad that I can’t have, or deal with or accept for so many years.

Tom said he saw something about home classes for computer stuff for him and private investigating for me and that he might check into it. Yeah, but is this just another thing he says he’ll do, or will he really? He says, though, I don’t need a car and a gun to do this and that there are different kinds of investigators and that I can choose my own cases. This sounds interesting.

I just hope that Mary will keep my secret. I told her that Tom feels the opposite of how I do, so that’s why he may not be too pleased with my discussing it with her.

Tom was right about hearing stereo bass way more often at Ma’s place. I must’ve heard it 10 times while I was there. It’s soooo obnoxious.

Ma had some carrots someone gave her that she gave us for Piggy and Bunny, but we forgot it. He’s over there now, so hopefully he’ll take it home with him. He’ll also be getting groceries, checking into making the mugs up, and something to deodorize their cage here, cuz it stinks like hell with that rabbit.

Later…

I left Andy a message. I have no idea what he’s been up to these days. I told him we could probably chat tomorrow before he goes to work. I asked him if he ditched the message from that line or if he’s been listening to them and calling them at all. I told him I’ve been helping Lisa out and that we worked at Ma’s house yesterday, so I’ve been a bit busy.

I have to get working on his journal.

I started a letter to my parents, but that probably won’t go out till after the New Year or right before. I wish these stamps would hurry up and arrive. We need to get the bills out and I’ve got letters ready to go to Kim, Lisa, Becky and Sarah. After the holidays, it’ll be time to send a letter off to Larry. I wonder why I haven’t heard from him. Is he that busy? I guess so. This is what they always tell me. He’ll probably call me on my birthday.

I wonder what my parents will be sending for my birthday and for us for Chanukah and Christmas? My guess is that they’ll send money for my birthday and a package of stuff for us for Chanukah and Christmas. That seems to be how they usually do it.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 1996
I have tons to write about, so I’d better get started and hope I can remember everything. Let me start with the latest news, then I’ll back up to yesterday’s day at Ma’s.

When I got in yesterday, I was dog-tired, so I didn’t check for messages. When I got up at 6:00 this morning, though, there was a message left yesterday afternoon from Lisa. I could’ve kicked myself once again.

So, at just before 7:00 this morning, the phone rang. I thought it was Andy, but it was Lisa. I was so glad she called, cuz it was the perfect timing and I was worried about how I was gonna get word to her to let her know I missed her call but got her message. So, I let her know that there may be times I may not be able to get back to her right away and not to think I forgot about her or stopped caring.

After we were talking for about 20 minutes, I told her that this was gonna be on their bill and asked her if she’d ever seen a phone bill. No, she said, and she didn’t know how it worked. The funny thing about it was when she asked me if it’d say that she called. I said, no, but it’ll say that this number was called at this date and time. That worried Lisa, so I told her that if she was questioned about it, and she might not be, she could just say she was calling to talk about music or Spanish or something like that. So, I taught her how to make a collect call and told her that I’d refuse it and that’d be my signal to call her back, so it’ll never show up on their bill. We ran through the steps, so she could see how simple it was to do. Also, I told her that I’ve told Tammy in the past that she, Lisa or anyone from that household can always call us anytime, and they can call collect if they need to.

One of the first things Lisa told me, which was nice to hear, was that her parents have been nicer to her. She says it’s still hard for her to study cuz she has to do a lot of chores, which includes doing Becky and Sarah’s drawers. She says she doesn’t get enough sleep, so she’s cranky. She says her mom bitches at her for taking so long to do her chores but says that that’s cuz Tammy wants it done perfectly. Yeah, you could say Tammy would be pretty picky about stuff like that.

Anyway, she told me that this girl Stacey, whom she’s had problems with for quite a while, was making fun of her for having kidney infections and that Stacey didn’t believe she had really been sick. I asked her if she told her mom and she said she did and that her mother was angry about it. She says she doesn’t know if her ma’s gonna talk to Stacey or Stacey’s mother, but that she intends to do something.

I also let Lisa know that should her mom and I end up not talking for whatever reason it’s got nothing to do with her and that she’s still welcome to call me anytime, and that goes for the others, too.

Then she went on to say that she felt she could trust me and asked if I’d be mad if she asked me a few things. Of course not, I told her. So she told me she was up in the attic and found pictures of Tammy and Joe. Joe’s her real dad back in Texas. I don’t know why Tammy would have pictures of him around, since she hates him, but anyway, Lisa told me that she, too, is angry at Joe for what he did, doesn’t want him to be her father, but is simply curious about him. There’s nothing wrong with that, I told her. She says that her mother isn’t too happy about it and said something really mean to Lisa like, “You’re gonna be another Joe D and if you want to know about him so bad, I’ll kick your ass right down to Texas with him.”

I can’t believe Tammy would say something so mean and cruel, but I told Lisa that her bringing him up probably brought back bad memories for Tammy and that I’m sure she didn’t mean anything mean by what she said. So, I told her, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to know about him, but that she should wait till she’s of age, then find out what she can about him and keep it a secret. She said that’s what her social worker told her to do. The one that’s a social worker at her school that lives near her.

Lisa told me that my mom and my dad bitched her out and screamed at her like never before for wanting information about him and that Lisa just couldn’t defend herself and explain her feelings to them and have them understand her. That’s a really mean and raunchy thing for my parents to do, but of course, I didn’t tell her what I really think of them or what Tammy said, cuz the last thing I want to do is put more walls up between her and other family members. There are already enough walls and Tom pointed this out, too.

On the other hand, as far as Joe goes, since Lisa’s never been pregnant while under the abuse of a lying guy who was already secretly married, it’s hard for Lisa to know the pain Tammy went through.

Lisa told me she was pretty mad when she was in Florida having to listen to Tammy, my folks and Marty and Ruth gang up on me and not only am I never gonna forget how my folks dumped our problems on Tammy, but I can’t believe they had the nerve to do this in front of Lisa. Can’t anyone go to the source of their problem, rather than discuss it with a million other people? Still, I have no desire to be buddy-buddy with my folks or Tammy or even see them again. I think what they did was wrong, deceptive, ignorant and wimpy and I’ll never fully trust them again. Just cuz two people created and gave birth to me doesn’t give them an excuse to do the things they’ve done and these people just aren’t my type and I just don’t want to associate with them any more than needed. Not that there’s a need, either, but when Lisa asked me about my relationship with Tammy and my folks, I simply told her that they’ve been a wonderful help to me financially and with getting me out here, but we don’t see eye to eye very often.

Lisa said, “But it made me mad and I was like - leave her alone - when I was listening to all this.” I told her I knew all about it and that I was mad, too, but you can’t make people talk about certain things or not talk about certain things. She also tells me that ever since then, Tammy and my parents have been the best of friends.

Yeah, I’m sure they have been. They can have each other!

Then she told me that she and her ma were sitting somewhere one time when Tammy noticed that in a notebook or something, Lisa wrote about feeling suicidal. Tammy’s look then turned to that of sheer worry and told her that her aunt tried to commit suicide. Lisa tried asking about it, but Tammy just told her I’d had a lot of problems. So Lisa asked me if I’d tell her about it and I did. I told her I took some pills at around her age and that I jumped when I was 17 and that she better not even think about it, cuz it’s not worth it, she’ll more than likely only botch it up, and that broken arm I got really hurt. So, she promised me she wouldn’t commit suicide and I promised her I wouldn’t either. I also told her that we all have our bad times and that just the other day I said to her Uncle Tom how I felt like I ought to just drop dead. Then he told me I promised to be with him forever and that I made a promise to be there for her. Lisa said she was glad I didn’t die and I said I was too, or else I’d never have known Lisa, got to Arizona, and met Tom.

I told Lisa that if she can’t keep a journal and have that be private, she should write down notes as to all that’s been going on and send them to me once she gets a few pages done. Also, do not write ‘Dear Aunt Jodi’ or ‘Dear Whoever’ on it so no one will see it, and we can talk about whatever she wrote when we get the chance to over the phone. I think that’d be better than me sending a letter somewhere.

She also says she wants to get out here so bad, whether it’s next summer or the one after that. So I told her that even if she can’t make it out here till she’s of age, better later than never and I reminded her how I never thought I’d get out here and how I was 26 when I did.

Then she told me how she likes to dress like I do and how she doesn’t prefer the conservative style. She said her mother told her that if she wanted to dress like Aunt Jodi (that part made me laugh), she’d have to wait till she was older.

I told Tom that once again, it looks like my destiny is to help kids and he said that it could be a small part, leading up to my destiny. I wish I could know he was right on that one, but still, I don’t think this is a small thing for Lisa to know I’m there for her and it surely is a big thing for me to see her happier after our chats.

Later…

I can’t believe how quiet it is for a Sunday afternoon around here. I haven’t heard next door or the kids and dogs two yards down. Not even anything off in the distance. At Ma’s place, though, it’s really rocking. There are tons of kids all around her and they’re out all day long and even all night long.

After returning from Ma’s place yesterday, this house seemed so much bigger. It always seems so much bigger after returning from her place. Her place is even smaller than the apartment I had on Woodside Terr. That was the second-biggest apartment I had.

Well, I got all the laundry done and the dishes. I tidied up in here too, so now I can write some more.

Tom asked me if I had time for a quickie this morning. I didn’t think he was up to that, I said, and he said he was always up to that. Well, we’ll see cuz I told him I had a feeling that quitting this job meant going back to having occasional sex. He said no it won’t, but that I may try to make it into that. I don’t think so. I told him we can have sex anytime he wants to.

I’m still not sure if it’d be the right thing to do as far as having sex during the 2nd and 6th, but I think Tom will decide that for me when he’s tired or hurt. A part of me wants to, but I know he wouldn’t cum. A part of me wishes he would cum more often during the right times cuz I really want to get on with that final step and a part of me says, no, don’t do it, show God you’re ready and willing to go along with him. Maybe I’ll leave it up to God and Tom. That’s all I really can do since I can’t make Tom do it at those times and do it and get off. This is up to him and God and if it wasn’t, it’s still out of my control.

Anyway, I think he may’ve been able to cum this morning (I am right after my rag), but then he had to stop cuz he had to get in the shower and to his ma’s place to take her to church. Once again, I wish other people’s needs wouldn’t come in between our needs and wants, but they do and I’m sure they always will. Helping others is great and the idea of it really appeals to me more and more, but I guess I still wish that Tom could do more for himself, I could do more for myself and we could do more for ourselves, but that ain’t meant to be.

I just don’t really like it when Tom talks about having more sex, cumming more often, any more than I do when he goes on and on about the kid, cuz I feel he’s kidding us both and just telling me what I want to hear. However, if this is what he believes and wants to say, it’s his right to do so. He still swears there’s nothing wrong with me and that there’ll never ever come a time when he’s gonna tell me he agrees with me about being sterile. What’s he gonna do then - make sure we never hit it right for sure?

Anyway, yesterday at Ma’s went to show how smart Tom is. He can do anything. What we really had to do with the shower was put in a shower surround. The walls were getting water-damaged, so we cut the pieces and I helped by using a caulking gun to put adhesive on the plastic pieces. It’s called liquid nails. Then he used caulking on the seams.

Ma paid him and gave me $10, but I gave it to Tom, figuring it would be needed for bills and food.

Ma really loves to do those word find puzzles and I gave her some more puzzles that I don’t want, as I’m a bit picky about the puzzles I do. It’s a great thing for her too, cuz what else can an old lady living alone do with her time? She is picking up again on her sewing now that she’s had her hands operated on, so that’s nice. I think a great Christmas gift for her, though, would be a variety of different puzzle books. She also likes crosswords. Yuck.

Ma was taking care of a little dog who was quite cute and friendly but stunk like hell. The dog belongs to some old lady that used to live on her street and I guess she already came and picked it up.

I was psyched to have weighed 101 earlier, but as I knew I would, I went right back to 104 after eating a lousy TV dinner.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 1996
Tom’s gonna be getting up anytime now. Meanwhile, I thought I’d write a little.

I’m still pretty confused about what’s going on with us sexually. I feel, once again, like he’s punishing me. Why can’t Tom just be normal in bed? Why can’t he desire it as much as a normal male is supposed to? It’s been nearly a week since we’ve had sex and since we’ve agreed to do it whenever so I guess that’s gonna mean having it only a few times a month. I guess it’ll be easier for me to deal with cuz having sex every day was even a bit too much for me. Also, I know that whether or not we have sex often, and whether he comes once a month or every day of the month, there’s no kid in our destiny.

I wasn’t too happy with him when I found out that he only did the job cuz he thought it’d help me with the feelings that I had about us not doing enough. I thought he also did the job cuz he wanted to and cuz he thought that’d help us make the kid, as well as cuz he wanted fun more often. So, now that I find out that he really never did think that’d help us and that he did it for me only, well, I feel that’s a bit deceptive. I still really believe that he’s not ready for a kid now and I just wish he’d come out and say so instead of jerking me around and contradicting himself.

He says the way to have a kid is by living life day to day and having sex spontaneously. I still don’t know what he means by “living life day to day.” He says he can’t think of the proper words to describe what he means but will try to think of something. Also, how would spontaneous sex give us a kid, even if I were fertile when all he’s gonna do is cum two times a month?

He still says he’s gonna get off more often. I asked him if he thought he was overestimating his abilities due to his age and how often he’s tired and he said he doesn’t think so. Well, I know so. I also know that that’s not what he wants to do. Not now, anyway, and I wish he’d just say so. What would be the big deal with his saying he doesn’t want a kid now and why? Why does he have to play these games and change his story as to why he or both of us are going to do whatever? Does he enjoy it, or what?

I seriously wish with all my heart that I could find someone with a million dollars to spare and bet that million dollars that he’ll never cum in the right time frame. Especially next month. Do you know how rich we’d be? I could get us filthy rich easily. I know without a doubt in my mind that he won’t cum during the right time frame.

He tells me there’s no way of pinpointing exactly when I’m ovulating. No, but we have a damn good idea of when that’s much more likely, so knowing this, why doesn’t he do whatever he can to get off then? Well, I really believe the answer is that he’s still not quite ready. He does like to tease me with the issue and wants to and will try to for a while longer and is trying to instill patience in me. I think he really gets off on the thought of seeing Evie have hers and watching me get all jealous. Well, I won’t be giving him that satisfaction. I can promise that.

I’m just so sick of all his ideas, stories, contradictions, and excuses. I just want to get on with my life. I know I can’t have a child no matter what, but I still wish he wouldn’t do this shit. He should’ve been honest about the job up front. If he really knew or didn’t believe that’d help us, he should’ve said so.

I know, though, that there’s not a chance in hell he’ll cum between December 2nd and 6th, but I wish he would, so we can get to the final step. I think deep down, he’s got to be wondering if there is any truth to my sterility beliefs, cuz he seems almost afraid to find out that I’m right. Maybe he fears I’ll leave him. Maybe he just doesn’t want to have to deal with it with me. It’s like he’s in denial about it or something. It’s like the more I point out signs saying I’m sterile, the more he argues that fact. If he were to get off every day and see that I can’t get pregnant, is he still gonna deny it and say I’m OK and that we haven’t hit it right yet? I wouldn’t put it past him.

I called Tammy yesterday and she was in the process of bitching Lisa out for not studying her Spanish, so I came up with an idea that’ll hopefully give Lisa the drive to help herself and study more. If Tom’s right about her seeing me as her role model and trying to be like me, then maybe this will work. I sent her a letter with some Spanish sentences and asked her to be able to interpret them the next time I called. Hopefully, it’ll make her study harder, so she can impress me by being able to interpret them and so she and I can chat in Spanish more often.

I also typed letters for Becky and Sarah.

Once again, my period was pretty damn light and I’m still all watery and bloated and weigh 102-104. I look just like I’m about to get my period.

Even though I’m about 8 pounds overweight, Tom and I “spontaneously” decided to get some ice cream last night. It was my idea and agreed with it right away.

Today we’re going to his ma’s house to work on her shower stall. I guess it’s leaking really bad.

After that, we’re gonna go and check into getting mugs made up with our pictures on them for Tammy, Bill and my folks for Chanukah. We’ll send Lisa, Becky and Sarah 5 bucks each and I’ll just send a card to Larry and his family and one for Andy, too. I’ll send Tammy and Bill’s and my folk’s cards separately, I guess.

Tom made a screen saver of Piggy which looks really cool.

Yesterday, I was standing at the front door, and out of the corner of my eye I saw Mike getting into his jeep. I don’t know if he saw me, but he left without a sound. He didn’t put the music on till he was a few houses away and it was very, very soft.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 1996
I haven’t been feeling too good these last couple of days. I’m feeling more and more like I wish I could just drop dead. I just don’t have the guts to act on this idea due to what happened when I jumped. I’m afraid that I’ll just botch it up somehow and get another broken arm or worse.

I really, really believe with all my heart that I’ve done my time here. There’s nothing more I can do. I feel that if I were dead, I’d be the dreamless, goalless person I always wished I could be. No more would I feel so sad, angry, frustrated, or incomplete. I can’t help myself and no one else can help me. I feel that if I were dead I’d also be saving a lot of people a lot of time, hassles, and money. If I live, I’m just gonna feel these emotions almost every day and be nothing but a burden and an expense to Tom. If I live, though, I’d just be fulfilling my destiny - taking up space on this earth. Maybe not, though, cuz this thing with Lisa really got me thinking.

Yesterday Lisa left me a message while she was alone at home with a UT infection at 7:30 our time. I could’ve kicked myself for ignoring the phone like I did, cuz it didn’t seem to ring long enough for someone to leave a message. I figured she was alone when she called and I didn’t get to call her back till around 2:00 our time. I figured by then she wouldn’t be alone and she wasn’t.

I asked her if everything was OK and she said no. She couldn’t really talk to me then cuz both Tammy and Bill were around. I told her she could tell Tammy I just had to call her about music and she and I talked about things like that and other stuff that wouldn’t cause suspicions about why I was calling. She mentioned something about writing me a letter about all that’s been going on and having me send back a response to it by sending it to some friend’s house. She said to give her a couple of days to think about who she can trust. She better be able to trust whoever she chooses cuz the last thing I want is to make more trouble for her or her family. I told her that if I sent a letter somewhere, to rip it up after. She said she would.

She can’t write in a journal, she says, cuz Tammy reads it. Yeah, I believe that. She was always trying to and asking to read mine. I’m sure she got her reading pleasure when she was packing my shit at the NHA. Maybe even Dad did too, but I don’t know.

She was home sick that day and she said she thought the infection was her fault. I told her that that’s not so and that those kinds of infections are common.

On her own, without my bringing up the subject first, she was telling me all about how she’s working on growing her hair and that it’s now just past her shoulders.

We also threw some Spanish at each other and she told me it was cold there and that they did get snow.

It is amazing how much of the old and current me I see in her. We really are a lot alike. She said even Tammy told her so, but I don’t think that Tammy necessarily meant that as a compliment. The funny thing about it is that Lisa now thinks we even look alike. She said something about having pictures of me in her room and someone asking if it was her and she told them it was me. Ha! Sorry, but we don’t look alike.

Just like I did at her age, she was telling me how much she hates it there and wants to live where the weather’s warmer. I still really believe she’s gonna end up out here someday and she, too, wishes she could come out here for the summer. She doesn’t think Tammy will go for it any more than I do, cuz Tammy will probably think she’s too young for that, as well as that I’m some incompetent fool who couldn’t deal with Lisa. I still think Lisa wouldn’t give me the kind of hard time she gives her mother and teachers.

I told Lisa that all she could really do was just do her best in school, get through school, and then do whatever she could to get out here and maybe her parents would help. I also reminded her that I never thought I’d get out here and I did. I told her that, of course, she’d have to get a job and a place to live, but it could be done. I suggested that she might think about telling her mom that if she did well in school and showed her that, then maybe her mom would let her come out here. Maybe they could make some kind of agreement as far as that goes.

Lisa really wants me to go to her, but I explained to her that it was a question of time and money, as well as the fact that New England holds a lot of bad memories for me and that I wouldn’t be too surprised if I never went back there. I just didn’t want to lead her on about that.

By the end of the conversation, I had her much more cheerful, which was nice to know. She and I really miss each other, and I’d say I definitely miss her, my brother and his family, and Kim the most. Whereas the idea of seeing my parents and Tammy really makes me uncomfortable.

We talked for nearly half an hour, so I’m not sure if I’ve forgotten to mention anything else we may have discussed, but if I remember anything else, I’ll add it.

Meanwhile, after telling Tom this morning, why I felt like it was time for me to go, he mentioned my promise to him which was to stay with him forever. Also, I don’t see how, but he says it’d affect both our families in a pretty bad way if I were to kill myself and that I promised Lisa I’d be there for her.

This is when Tom told me that I was Lisa’s role model. He says it’s probably mostly a subconscious thing with her, but that she is trying to take after me in a lot of ways, and he reminded me of how much alike we are. He said that if I killed myself, there’d be a good chance she would, too.

I had no idea, once again, and just like when I left there, how much I apparently meant to Lisa. I would guess that I’m the person she trusts just about the most and it does look like she not only is just like me but is trying to be, too.

Then something hit me. Maybe I do have a purpose here. Yes, I was right all these years, I’m not meant to have a kid of my own, but maybe I’m meant to help other kids like Lisa.

I still truly believe that yes, God does hate me, I had to have done something very wrong in his eyes that’s way worse than a mass murderer, but what that is, I don’t know yet. At the same time, maybe he’s not just trying to punish me. Maybe the reason why he’s been “throwing kids in my face” and sending me all these “kid signs” is cuz I’m supposed to be living for other people’s kids. It always seemed that way, anyway. How do I feel about that? Well, I guess I have mixed emotions. I still feel controlled and gypped and the bulk of my life has been catering to others, being controlled by them, and not really able to do for myself. However, it is a great feeling to help others and there’s nothing wrong with it, so maybe I should look at a life of catering to others, especially other people’s kids. Maybe God’s been trying to tell me all along that this is what I’m supposed to be doing.

So, I’m kind of on a new mission here. I went from wishing I was dead, to wondering if I should pray to God to curse me in some other way in exchange for a kid, to wondering if I should pray for my periods (cuz I know that’s a prayer that’ll always be answered and that’d be the only way I could maybe feel loved by him), to wondering if I should pray for him to help get me through these bad feelings and get over them. It’s time to move on. So, I accept God’s hatred and that this is never gonna change. Neither is my destiny and a kid of my own isn’t in it. So, my mission is these two things: to prove to Tom, God, and mostly myself that I can get over never having a child, I can get on with life, and not always have these bad emotions and hard feelings about it. Also, to see what I can do about working with kids. Tom told me that it’d be best for me to wait till the first of the year to work, cuz he’s gonna be working a lot of overtime till then, and that way it’d be easier to get me to appointments.

I really, really do want to “be good by God,” so to speak, do what’s right, forget about a kid of my own and just be able to deal with it and accept it and help other’s kids. It really is a good feeling to see the difference I’ve made in Lisa’s life. Even she said she was glad she had someone who cared about her.

There are so many kids out there who could use my help and I think God would be really proud of me if I even avoided sex during the more likely time frames of conception, even though I’m sterile. It’s just the principle of the point, though. I think that if he sees me stop resisting his plans for me and just go along with them like a good girl, I’ll be much happier in the end.

Tom keeps telling me I am normal and don’t need medication. Well, I don’t feel so normal, but I think I’ll feel a lot better if I stop trying to fight God in my mind and just go with his flow for me and patterns. In other words, if something else were to come along tomorrow that I want just as bad, I’m gonna know I’ll never be allowed to have it, try my damnedest to accept it and not resist it. In fact, I’ll try to make myself walk away from it, just like I’m gonna try my hardest to “walk away” from having a kid, even though there’s nothing to literally walk away from.

I’ve just got to tell myself, hey, God doesn’t think I deserve a kid, therefore, I should try to “listen” to that, understand it, and do what’s right and possible in God’s eyes.

I think that the less I try to fight God, either in my mind or by my actions, the happier I’ll be.

Of course, Tom still feels the opposite. He’s still sure I’m OK and that we’ll have a kid. Maybe another reason why he’s afraid to let this appear too obvious is cuz he’s afraid I’d leave him. That’s bullshit, though. I’m not gonna leave him just cuz we can’t have a kid. I still feel, though, from what I’ve seen and sensed that our not having a kid won’t be any loss to Tom. I think he can live just fine without it. He’s never seemed to be the type to want that nearly as bad as me and I’m sure he could take a kid or leave a kid. I don’t think it matters to him either way, at this time.

I still hope that someday, I’ll know why God hates me so much. Was it cuz I jumped out the window? Was it cuz of the prank phone calls? Is it something my ancestors did? Could God really hate gays? But he’s let other gays and bisexuals have kids, so was it cuz they just didn’t want it as bad as me, or what? Maybe I did live a life before this, did something so terribly wrong in that life, and am paying for it here. Whatever it was I did wrong, it had to really, really bad.

My life hasn’t been the worst, but most of it’s been bad enough and I surely would never want to relive it. For God to allow me to have gone through what I went through as a kid and to have gone through so much abuse, bad emotions, physical shit, live in places I’ve lived, been so broke and hungry, not even help me, or allow me to help myself ever or for years - that takes a lot of hate.

And Ma says she felt guilty about my ear till I was around 10? Well, something Tom said made me feel a bit guilty about it. It’s not Tom’s fault, though, but he says Tammy’s always been jealous of me and always will be. This is supposed to have stemmed from all the attention I was supposed to have gotten when I was really little. If I had just been normal, though, then maybe poor Tammy wouldn’t have to feel the way she did or still does. And that goes for my mom, too.

Yesterday Tom had me really confused. He said that he thought it’d be best to just deal with day-to-day life, get through the holidays and not plan anything till the New Year. He said that then he’ll go along with whatever I plan and he’ll stick to it. So I said to him, “Well, you must believe me somewhat, or else why would you talk about me planning.”

Then he said something about that if he could get me to calm down till then, I’ll see that there’s nothing to plan. Oh, there’s nothing to plan, alright. Not in the way he’s thinking about it. See, he thinks that if we just live life day to day and don’t plan anything, a kid will result naturally from that. But I do live my life day to day. So, I asked him if living my life day to day meant shut up about the kid and not be upset about it in his book and he said no. Well, I do live day to day. I’m alive, aren’t I? And I don’t see how not planning for a kid will help us, any more than planning would. I mean, the extra sex was lots of fun, but a kid isn’t meant to be, no matter what we think, do, say, plan, don’t plan, or what our attitudes are. If a kid was going to happen “naturally” it would’ve already happened.

Later…

Just got a letter from Kim, who says not to give up on getting pregnant, cuz it usually takes several months. Yeah, it usually takes 1-4 months and we’re going on month 6, so that tells me something.

Anyway, my new year’s plan will be what my only choice can be for it to be and that’s to keep on getting through not having a kid of our own, get on with life, help other kids and that’s it.

I want to return to having sex for just fun only. I hope, though, that this doesn’t mean that sex will be 2-4 times a month, though, but I know how much Tom likes spontaneity and I don’t like the idea of him doing the job just for me. I mean, that’s sweet of him to think of ways to make me feel better, but I don’t want him to plan if he doesn’t want to plan. He told me he feels pressured and that he feels bad if I get one more period. Well, I’m gonna be getting a hell of a lot more than one more period, I don’t want to pressure him and I know he couldn’t get off during the time frame, sterile or not. I really don’t think he’s that ready for a kid now, even if we could have one. If he wants to be tired or hurt during that time frame, whether it’s legit or not, let that be the case then. I’m sure it’ll be no problem, but I’ll even try to see that we don’t screw during those times for two reasons. I think it’d make Tom more comfortable if we didn’t. And I also think it’d please God to see me going along with him and not trying to resist him.

Tom was telling me that these loud bassy stereos are a new technology that didn’t exist a couple of years ago, it’s everywhere, I’ll always hear it, and even Stevie hears it in Paradise Valley. Yeah, and I’m sure this so-called new extra bassy technology is completely male-made, based on people’s obsession to be heard. I’m surprised this is legal. After all, it seems it’d be a dangerous thing, cuz then how can these people hear sirens over it?

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 1996
Piggy’s gonna be doing a lot of screaming at me, cuz he’s just way too spoiled. This feeding him every 15 minutes has to stop. It’s just too much and they both have to get used to that.

Just like clockwork, my faithful red friend is here. This sterile half-woman said to God, “Look. I’m not pregnant, so just get on with my period, and let’s get it over with.”

No problem! Easiest prayer in the world. Yeah, the power of prayer really goes a long way for me when it’s something God wants for me and I don’t. Anyway, I hope that this time, I’ll lose the water weight gain after my period and not look and feel pretty much like I’m supposed to before and during my period.

Tom got off big time on the 18th, but like I said, I don’t think he’s as ready for a child as he admits, regardless of my sterility. I don’t think he’ll step up his actions towards hitting it right till around when Evie has her kid, but we’ll see. I still see lots of tiredness and hurting going on around mid-cycle times. I think for a while, I’ll be seeing him get off twice a month. Right after my period and right before. Like I said, he got off 2-3 days before ovulation, and sperm are supposed to live that long after being injected into you, so once again, I’m seeing my worst fears and suspicions come true. I am 100% sterile.

Tom said he wasn’t fucking around in my world the other night, but I don’t know. Given the way he’s so obsessed with me picking up after him, anything’s possible.

Tom was telling me that it’s perfectly normal for everyone to have things they really want, then get that, and then want something else just as bad. Well, I may as well just accept the sterility and always want the kid. Why want something else I can never have? Then something else? I’ve gone through wanting way more than enough things I can never have, so why take another?

The freeloaders left quietly at about 6:30 yesterday morning and I can’t believe that nothing woke me up last night due to my waking people up.

First, though, I got two of the 3 CDs I ordered, but then they sent one I didn’t order. Those stupid assholes. It says right on the invoice what I ordered too, so it was a mistake on their part. A male must’ve been the one to pack my CDs. These fucks don’t even have a customer service number to call.

Sure enough, Andy called last night to push me about the meeting line. Finally, I said, “Look. I don’t like being pushed and from here on out, I don’t want you pushing me into anything, but if I’m gonna be punished for nothing, like is usually the case with me, I may as well have a reason to get punished,” so I made the calls.

Once again, it served as a reminder of just how sick guys are and how superior women are to men. I’ll bet you that if I had left a message saying I was looking for a serious relationship that I hoped would turn into marriage and kids, I’d get only one or two responses. Same with if I said I had a kid or was older or heavy.

Andy and I listened to all my new messages and one of them really cracked me up. This guy calls trying to tell me he works somehow with making X-rated films and wants to know if I’d be willing to work with him and go to London every fall with him for some latex ball. Yeah, right! Right away I thought about Scott M. This guy, who doesn’t even know what the fuck I really look like, actually thinks I or anyone else would fall for that line? Give me a break! It was so funny, though, cuz I left a message on his “personal line” saying he was being a Scott MacNab and that he was so full of shit, etc.

Not surprisingly, I also had about 4 people calling to ask why I didn’t show up. The first thing out of their mouths was that I had to have gotten lost. It’s like they don’t even get that they were set up, or don’t want to face the possibility of it. I’ll bet you I could keep telling them every night for months I was gonna meet them and they’d still believe it.

Then this one guy left a message for the first time asking me to call him so he knew his efforts weren’t being wasted. So I called him and said, “Guess what buddy? Your efforts have been wasted, as well as your dime.” Andy and I burst out laughing. See, we don’t have to pay to leave messages and hear our messages, but guys have to pay to leave women messages.

Again, we mostly got machines because we didn’t start calling these suckers until just after 3 AM. I did wake a few people up, so that’s why I’m surprised I didn’t get woken up myself. Punishments don’t come right away, necessarily, but being denied a child is way more than enough for anything I’ve ever done wrong. Of course, the punishment doesn’t fit the crimes, but what more can God do to me or take away from me that he already hasn’t? He could take away Tom, but I would like to hope like never before, that after denying me and my husband a child, he wouldn’t take my husband away from me. He’s taken enough. Way, way, way more than enough. He controlled my childhood 100%. He controlled my adulthood 98% and he’ll always have 100% control over my body.

When Tom gets up I’m gonna ask him, “Since my red faithful friend is here once again just like clockwork, now do you believe I’m the sterile half-woman I say I am?” I know his answer will be no, though. I don’t think he’s ready to deal with me having to deal with it yet. Or us dealing with it yet.

Another thing I remember from last night is that there was this guy named Anders, but I kept calling him Antlers and he totally played deaf to it.

Andy says he liked it a lot when I read from journals, cuz it brings back memories for him. I read from a 1989 journal last night and he had forgotten that I had worked at the dive of a store/Laundromat at the end of my street.

I’m surprised he hasn’t called to push me yet into doing it again tonight, but I hope he doesn’t.

Anyway, I’m on the last of the puzzles my folks sent, so I’m gonna go do that, make a quick grocery list up, then do other stuff.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 1996
I just got done watching a movie about something that happened to a 16-year-old girl that I can relate to in more ways than one. She was wilder than I was at that age. We had anger and hyper-activeness in common, but unlike me, she had a boyfriend who was quite destructive. They ran away together, and he broke into a store and they both got arrested. Naturally, the boy got off and the girl ended up lost in the abusive system’s hands, just like I did, cuz boys/males are favored by the system way more than any girl or woman could ever be.

She went through the same thing I did with having to deal with spiteful staff members on power-play. The girl’s social worker even had the nerve to tell her mother, who was trying to fight to get her out, that she just made a bad situation worse by her and her kid stirring things up. It ended up being in the paper that this social worker was no good, so naturally, she didn’t like it and said lies were being spread about her. Then out of spite, she lied and said that the girl was threatening suicide, so she was sent out of the Valleyhead-like place she was into a jail-like detention center. Finally, her mother’s fighting did get her out after a few months, but I wish my parents had fought for me like that. I don’t think they cared enough to, and I don’t think they would’ve had the resources available to them to fight for me if they did care enough to. This girl’s mother was fighting to get her home. My mother was fighting to get me out of Vermont and into some other place. I don’t know if it’s true about how she says she tried to get me out of Vermont, but it’s probably somewhat true. I was somewhat wild in Vermont, but there were times I was provoked by staff, especially my caseworker there, for no apparent reason. I was deliberately made to feel like I was being punished practically the whole time I was there and maybe when my caseworker would gang up on me for no reason, it was cuz of mom protesting my being there and so she took it out on me. Once the system gets you, they do everything they can to hang onto you, cuz they lose money if they lose people. In Vermont’s case, I’m sure they wanted to hang onto me cuz of insurance money. It’s either insurance money or pure power play. In fact, I remember that when I was about a week away from finally being discharged from Vermont, after being there for 5 months, I got on restriction for punching some girl. My caseworker was obviously not too happy with the fact that I was gonna be out of there real soon. It was like she was in denial about it and she even put me on restriction for two weeks, knowing full well I wouldn’t be there that long. She didn’t have it in her to say goodbye to me, either.

Then there was that time in 1986 or 1987, the first time I was living on Woodside Terrace when they held me hostage at the crisis center insisting I was suicidal when I wasn’t. They knew Medicaid would pay for my two-day stay there, so of course they insisted that. A lot of these state and hospital workers really get a kick out of having the power to confine a person whether that’s directly in their hands or not. All the caseworkers have to do, though, is tell whoever’s in charge of releasing people that the person’s not ready to be let go and their word will be taken at face value. It’s just like cops. If I were a cop, arrested someone, said they hit me even if they didn’t, other cops and the DA and law enforcement officials are gonna believe me.

Got a Bob letter which was typical, of course, and he just couldn’t leave out his number one obsession - sex. This time, though, he didn’t say much at all about the subject. Just that this nurse, who supposedly wants his body and whom he had sex with, which I know is bull, is trying to get in his pants, but he’s stopping her cuz he loves Kim. Yeah, right! Even if he did have sex with this nurse, if he loves Kim so much, why’s he stopping her now? Why didn’t he always stop her? It’s just another one of his bullshit fantasies, just like with Kim.

Apparently, Kim chewed him out again in her last letter to him about his big mouth and he said to me that he wasn’t gonna get into its contents, but that his nose bled for an hour after reading her letter.

Oh, please! Is that weird or what?

Once again, I am gonna get my period, so there’s no use in thinking otherwise, but this is the first time that I can remember my PMS tapering off without having gotten my period first. It’s supposed to work like this - you get PMS, it builds up, then you rag, then the symptoms ease off. In this case, my PMS suddenly hit me, then has eased off over the last 4 days or so. I only had that one bad spell emotionally. I’ve had very, very little pre-cramping yesterday and virtually none today. I’m still 102 pounds, too.

I just hope Tom can and will put his actions where his mouth is, the next time I’m mid-cycle, but you know all about the things I really want and that are too good to be true. The only thing I have that’s too good to be true is Tom himself, but that sure does help.

There’s got to be more bad catches to Gloria’s seemingly perfect life and how she seems to have it all. God hates some of us, God loves some us, God just likes some of us, but he compensates us all. My guess is that she has to have gone through, and is going through, much more shit than meets the public eye. Nobody’s that loved by God. God may hate me, God may have taken my right to a child out of compensation for Tom and other things, as well as to punish me, but no one’s loved as much by God as Gloria seems to be. God has hatred to go around for everyone, as well as blessings for some and he may hate some more than others, but he doesn’t love anyone 100%.

Later…

Oh, brother. Andy left a message saying that in a couple of hours, he wants to talk to me. Let me guess - he’s gonna get all pushy about calling the meeting line? I hope not, but it seems that the more I resist something he’s into or wants me to do, the more he pushes. Another thing is, is that I can’t seem to ever be able to get him off the phone. I tell him, Andy, I really need to not stay on the phone long, cuz I have stuff to do, and he just goes on and on. I guess he really is that lonely. God, if we had had a kid, I’d bet he’d feel really damn neglected and lonely, but I do understand where he’s coming from.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 1996
I just tried calling Andy, but there was no answer. I told him to call me whenever he could.

Last night we called that meeting line and I left a bogus message on it and in just an hour, I got 4 messages. They left their numbers and Andy and I called these guys back (he did all the dialing cuz he has his number blocked) and set up places to meet with them. All of them wanted to meet that night, except for one guy who wanted to meet the following afternoon. What desperate suckers! I mean, two of them wanted me, a complete stranger, to go to their houses and the other was to meet me at the Metro parking lot behind Dillard’s.

Anyway, Andy and I made a deal that I’d be serious if they did want to meet. If they didn’t, I’d go “crazy.” Since one of them didn’t want to meet that night, I read bits and pieces from a 1992 journal, like I was trying to be serious, I did my psycho laugh and mixed lines, etc. So, tonight, we’re gonna call back these suckers who were supposed to meet me and be wacky on them and give them the whole 9 yards.

Andy just called. I have a full mailbox, he says, when he last checked. In 45 minutes, he’s gonna call me back. This is just so much fun! It totally replaces prank phone calls and getting into trouble. I mean, it’s like making prank phone calls and playing with people’s heads and it’s legal.

Well, I do have more to write about, but I’ll save it for later. I’ll update you on our little game here and other things, but for now, I want to go read some more of my library book before it’s due.

Later…

OK, let me get on with things going on around here before I get into our little game.

Ma lent us a TV she hasn’t been using since last May. It’s the same size as ours, but now we can turn it on and off by remote and adjust the volume from the remote, too. It’s a little too dark, though.

I’m pissed that Tom’s keeping our old one. Now we have that TV hogging up space in here that he’s never gonna fix or sell them like he says he will. Most of the contents of the back room have broken stuff he always says he’s gonna fix and never does. What’s the point? Why not just get rid of the shit?

He went over to his mom’s to move the washer into her house. This is great of him to do, but once again, I reminded him we’ve got our own stuff to do. He says we’ll have plenty of time. I hope so.

We were talking about smokers tending to smoke more if they smoke lighter cigarettes. I told him I’ve been smoking more since my filters were punched and he says he disagrees. Then I asked him how he could tell me what smokers tend to do when he doesn’t even smoke. Then I said I couldn’t imagine having PMS to the degree which I have it, then finding out you’re pregnant (this is cuz he said we had to wait and see if I’d get the period I know I’m gonna get). Then he asks how can I know what to expect to feel when I’ve never had a kid, so therefore, how can I tell him he doesn’t know shit about smokers when I can’t know about degrees of feeling PMS when you’re pregnant? Trust me, there’s no way you can be pregnant and feel PMS to the degree that I have.

Then we were talking about how pinched nerves can cause phantom pains and I said, “I definitely don’t have phantom PMS. I certainly don’t have a pinched nerve in this uterus of mine and am definitely gonna be ragging.” Still, it was a funny joke and idea - phantom PMS.

He says that the reason he hasn’t cum since the 3rd is cuz of his tooth that’s been bothering him, but since he’s been taking ibuprofen and gargling with peroxide, it’s well on its way to being better. Like I said, he’s always got a problem and I don’t buy how sure and confident he sounds about the so-called birthday baby. I should be mid-cycle around my birthday. He says, “Look at the progression we’ve made. First we had to get me off, then get me off close enough to the time frame and now that we were close enough to it the last time, there should be no problem now that my tooth is better.”

Yeah, but like I said, how tired is he gonna be when the time is right again? What’s gonna hurt? And does he really think God would change his mind, anyway, after all this time of seeing that we don’t get to that final step, regardless of what control he may have had over that in the past?

Well, that’s about all that’s going on around here now. Things aren’t too bad. My mood was only bad a few nights ago when I mentioned it. My back is better and even the pre-cramps have eased up on me. It’s like the PMS is dwindling. I’m even 102 pounds and not 104 pounds, but my tits are way more sore than usual.

As far as our game goes, I can’t believe how stupid, naïve, and desperate these guys are, even though I can. I mean, they’re just way too trusting and way too forward. Also, they have no problems with letting me be way too forward and pushy by setting updates with them. Only a few wanted to meet tomorrow, but we got mostly answering machines tonight. So many guys, though, are willing to meet at their place. What if I were a lunatic? It’s like these animals have no respect or fear for their lives or their bodies. I could go into their houses, shoot them dead, then rob them blind.

So, this is what we did. Andy wrote down the numbers of the new messages people left and 99% of them left their numbers. First, though, we called the suckers I was supposed to meet with last night and let them know what a sucker they were and went wacky on them. When we called the new people, I left bogus numbers for them, said weird stuff, and won’t ever call them again. We don’t want to call people more than twice.

This is what I did with the people that answered tonight. I first tried to set up a date with them. Those that I was able to do so with, will be called back tomorrow to be told what suckers they were and to go crazy on, then they’re history. Anyone who answered tonight, but didn’t want to meet till tomorrow, I went nuts on but gave them that bogus number which I know damn well they’ll call. I’ve gone crazy on this one guy in particular twice, yet he still wants to meet. They’d still want to meet even if I told them I was going to kill them or cut their dicks off!

Tomorrow night, we’re gonna go through the same routine. Call the suckers who set up meetings with me tonight, let them know what they are, be nutty, then ditch them. Then call the new suckers. Those victims of mine will get wacky messages with bogus numbers if I get machines and I won’t call them back. The thing of it is, though, is that you’d think that those I got a hold of that didn’t want to meet right away, that I went psycho on, still wouldn’t want to meet me, but they do. So those I get a hold of that don’t want to meet right away can still be set up. I can still be crazy, give them my number, and they’ll try to call for a meeting the next day. Then the ones who do meet me that night will be the ones to get one more call.

So, there are 3 groups of sluts. 1. The sluts that I set up to meet that night. 2. The sluts that don’t want to meet till the next day. 3. The sluts whose answering machines come on.

There was this one guy, Andy said, who told me to be discreet when I called. Naturally, I wasn’t going to be. So when I called, a machine picked up and I said, “Hey, this is Shauna! Got your number from the sex line…”

Then the fucker picked up the phone but didn’t say anything. Andy had hung up a second after he picked up. Obviously, the guy was terrified of the wife hearing me and she probably did. I mean what the hell kind of married person would leave their number and expect someone to be discreet? How stupid! I mean, if you want to be discreet, you don’t leave your home phone number.

Since leaving the message, I’ve gotten about 30 responses so far. Imagine getting that many responses when I’d leave messages to women for real back east? Not a chance in hell! Especially back when I wanted a relationship and especially when I let them know I was feminine and short. If I were a butch looking for just fun, or seeking butches, I’d have gotten more calls. I sure did get lots of calls from couples. Guys are sooooo easy. Anyway, when I’d get machines with names of people I’ve known or still do, I’d refer to them as that person. I asked Bob how prison was and told Steve I missed him and that he was a great neighbor back on Woodside Terrace.

In an hour and a half, I’ll be waking Tom up. I’m surprised he didn’t cum over the weekend, regardless of his tooth, since it’s virtually impossible for a woman to conceive at this time. Maybe my suspicions about him are dead wrong and I sure as hell hope so. Time will tell, though. We’ll just have to wait and see how many mid-cycles he’ll be tired or hurt during. Maybe he doesn’t want to tease me and drag this out. Maybe he really does want one like yesterday, and maybe he’s 100% ready, too. We’ll see, like I said, but I still don’t know how he’s gonna be towards me on my birthday. That’ll have to wait to be seen, too. Meanwhile, I still don’t want to hope. Being a dreamer is one thing and I’ve been that all my life, but I don’t want to go getting hopeful. I don’t think I could do that even if I found out I was pregnant, as happy as I’d be, cuz I’d be afraid of losing it. The idea of me finding out I was pregnant, seems too good to be true.

Anyway, I don’t see how I could end up getting my hopes up, since I haven’t had any reason to yet. Just that brief time during that damn spotting episode.

Later…

Now I know why Tom seemed anxious for me to use the computer. He kept telling me to let him know when I needed to use the computer. He and his obsession with me rearranging stuff back into place after him. My world had had many changes to it when I logged in. I’ll mention this to him, but he’ll probably just look at me all confused and say he’s not sure what could’ve caused it.

The freeloader came in at 7 PM at not a very loud volume, but not a reasonable one, either. I wish Tom wasn’t so worried about people’s potential reactions. If I could just go over there one more time, we’d never hear the music again, but I made the damn promise.

He was gone for a while and I find it a hell of a coincidence that he’s come back when I start calling this meeting line (as if God’s punishing me for playing with people’s heads). Hopefully, if I stop doing that, he’ll go away more often or shut up.

Andy called from work to ask if we could record a documentary about animals attacking people, so I did. Then I left him a message letting him know I taped it and why I wanted to give calling the phone line a break for a while. You know me, most anyone else can get away with murder practically and even be rewarded for it, but I get punished just for sneezing. On the other hand, if God can give kids to murderers and not people like Tom and I and punish me for nothing, then maybe it doesn’t matter what I do. A curse is a curse and I believe that if something wants to punish you for nothing, then doing something like playing with people’s heads, can’t make the situation much worse. Still, I’ll give it a break for a while, see what happens, then decide what to do.

I have weird PMS news, but I’ll get into it later.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 1996
God, my sister really doesn’t know how to spell worth shit! She sent me two messages.
Anyway, last night was a lot of fun on the phone with Andy, but I’ll get into it later, cuz right now I want to go call him to finish what we started last night.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 1996
I’m not gonna play this wait-on-Andy game anymore, so if he calls, he calls.

Why does Tom always get what I get? We come home from the dentist and now he’s got a toothache.

Anyway, I’m quite relieved at what the dentist had to say. First of all, they are so much friendlier there, than the ones we saw a couple of years ago and they were honest and upfront about what the scoop was and about the cost. I thought it was gonna cost hundreds of dollars and take many appointments, but it should only be one necessary appointment for $92.

On December 12th, they’re gonna do what I really need done ASAP and that’s the cleaning and getting off all the plaque and tartar and yanking the wisdom teeth. He said the wisdom teeth do need to go or else they’ll keep bothering me on and off. They also have cavities, too.

As for the impacted tooth, he says I could just live with it and it too, will bother me on and off, but that I should get rid of it. However, there’s no hurry at this time and it’s not threatening other teeth. I’m kind of hoping I can get away with just ignoring that, cuz who knows how expensive that could get? Also, there’d be a gap there and they don’t think they could walk the impacted adult tooth that’s behind the baby tooth over into place too easily. That might need braces, but even then, they can’t guarantee that it’ll move into place.

He says I can expect a sore mouth after the cleaning, cuz my gums are already sore from inflammation. I don’t know if the wisdom teeth will be as easy to get out as the first two were, but hopefully it won’t be too bad. I don’t think it’ll be too big of a deal. They now use some kind of sonic thing that makes a high pitch that humans can’t hear to vibrate the plaque and tartar build-up off. That’s pretty neat.

His dental assistant also took X-rays and she was kind enough to give me a kid-sized X-ray thing that they put in your mouth and make you bite down on. There was no pain at all when I did that, unlike at the other place where they were trying to get me to bite down on an adult-size one which I couldn’t do.

The office was a small building that sort of looked like a fancy house. It was a really nice-looking place and right in front of the dentist’s chair, was a huge window with a palm tree right outside it.

From now on, though, like Tom said, I’m gonna go to the dentist every year and keep up on my teeth so I don’t ever have to go through this shit again.

I guess I don’t need any fillings.

The cleaning and the extractions that I’ll be having done on the 12th will take two hours.

All I have to do now is hope that this won’t set us back in time financially and keep us real tight for months.

I told Tom not to bother with getting me anything for my birthday or Chanukah. I told him I’ll be mid-cycle then, so he can give me a birthday baby, but I know he won’t. He’s not gonna cum during that time. He seems to be cumming less lately and farther away from the right time frame. I only hope I don’t see a pattern of him cumming twice a month, right after my periods and right before. He says differently, and maybe he doesn’t know it, but I think that this dental stuff is gonna make him want to wait, anyway.

His last birthday wasn’t as bad as the one before, but it wasn’t great. He knows that my last one sucked and that most of them do, anyway, so I hope he doesn’t take advantage of this knowledge. I’ve had about 3 good birthdays in my whole life and I’ve told him this. Also, and like I said, his last birthday could’ve been much better, so I hope he doesn’t pay me back, so to speak, like he did for my last birthday, cuz of me ruining his birthday a year and a half ago.

He wants me to work on not being so sure of things, so maybe I’m wrong and I hope my own husband would never do this, but I have a feeling he’s intentionally not gonna cum around my birthday and especially on it, and who knows if he’s gonna pick arguments with me or what? He says he doesn’t “payback” people and do stuff to them that they do to him and that he doesn’t take advantage of how people feel or try to prove them wrong or right in particular areas, but I disagree for the most part based on what I’ve seen.

I was joking around with him earlier and said that he gets $50 for when he doesn’t cum, $100 for when he does, and $200 for when he cums at the right time and then he said, “Can I cum at the wrong times, too?” He said it in a way that I could’ve sworn (unless I’m just paranoid) meant that that’s what he’d prefer to do. If what I feel is right, he’s gonna cum sometime over the weekend when I’ll be right before my rag.

Speaking of rags and PMS, well, you know how my body’s done different things since he’s been cumming, yet been the same? Well, the spotting incident was a first. My weight has changed since then, too, but the part of it that’s been the same is that I get the damn periods. After the spotting, my PMS has been the same, but so far, it’s been a lot better this month. I usually have just about every PMS symptom, but this time, I’m not an emotional basket case, I’m not hornier than hell and I haven’t had pre-cramps yet. I thought I felt the faint beginnings of them, but I don’t think so. I think it was just gas and this is the second day I’ve been constipated. Still, I know my periods are as faithful to me as Tom is. It’ll get here around the 20th.

I was sort of a basket case last night, but not cuz of the usual I-can’t-have-a-kid reason. It was a sudden, sad, and terrifying series of thoughts about Tom dying that came into my mind and it really shook me up. I was in tears as I imagined the sadness and the emptiness I’d feel if he were dead. It really made me realize just how much I love him and it made not getting my dreams easier to deal with. I’d just feel so lost without him and like a body with no soul. I know I’d kill myself, cuz I’d want to be with him. The idea of him dying really scares me cuz of the way God’s teased me by thinking I may get something I want really bad and with the way he’s taken most of the things I wanted that I did get, even if that wasn’t a lot of things.

Later…

Got my parents’ package today and right now I’ve got a 14-karat gold perfume pen I’m writing with. It is so cool and the smell should retain itself a lot longer stuffed inside a journal.

Once again, I’m waiting for Andy to call. He didn’t call back last night, so he must’ve been pretty tied up.

This PMS is really hitting my back hard. I just took two Ibuprofen and put a back supporter on. The pre-cramps are kind of making their way in.

So much for saying I’ve been OK so far emotionally. Last night was pretty rough, but I’ll get into it later.

First, I’ll go through the contents of the package my parents sent.

They sent some notepads in various sizes and no, they never wrote a thing about the letter I had sent to them.

There were only a few things I left in the box that I didn’t want and that were an old carrot peeler, a pencil, a couple of little plastic funnels, and some paper. Something was spilled all over the paper and the paper was kind of wrinkled. Also, there was some talc I didn’t want. I never use that stuff and my allergies couldn’t take it. I’m surprised they sent that, along with perfume soaps and incense. I was surprised the incense didn’t bother Tom, but it didn’t. It smelled nice but made me a bit dizzy. I may give the soaps to Andy.

They sent all kinds of Halloween decorations like windsocks, door posters, flags and other things, but I’m not into that kind of stuff. Andy is, though, so I told him he could have it.

There was a piggy bank with “Las Vegas” written on it with a wolf and some cactuses painted on it, a little glass dome with sand and pretty tiny shells in it, glue, a floral flag, bottle openers, magnet clips for the refrigerator.

She sent a couple of weird things too, such as a fork with an antenna on it that extends 25”. Also, picture someone’s desk in an office and how they have their name on a strip of gold in a long piece of wood, well, she sent one of those that says: When all else fails, try following directions.

She sent a little keychain with 4 rows of about 40 numbers in a case. There are 6 balls in the thing too, and I guess you try to pick certain numbers with it or see if you can get the balls into the numbers you pick. Tom says maybe we can pick lottery numbers with it.

She sent a teddy bear shirt with a plaid background and matching plaid shorts. I like the teddy bear, but the blue/green plaid sucks. The shorts are also too long in the crotch area, but they fit around this thick waist of mine perfectly.

She sent contact paper that’s for bordering around the tops of walls right where the wall meets the ceiling. It’s an ugly pattern, but I can use it to tape the backs of the puzzles she sent, which is my favorite thing she sent, along with the perfume pens. One’s of dogs, one’s of cats, and one is of a tiger.

I wrote them a letter thanking them for the stuff and gave them the highlights of our lives too, and told them about Bunny, me cooking more, my teeth, and that we’ll be calling them for Chanukah. I also told them in their letter that I was surprised they didn’t use the paper to “get me back.” Then I told them that I “heard” tea and honey go well together and that I played the joke on them by sending the letter to Kim to send to them.

Someone’s at the freeloader’s house now. I peeked out and saw a car there, and I think he may be back, too. Well, I hope they don’t intrude upon our weekend and that they stay as quiet as they have been. I think this is the longest span of time since I haven’t heard them going on and on.

Anyway, last night was no joyride. I really felt miserable and like I just wanted to drop dead. It’s just the usual. That empty, incomplete, depressing feeling I get where I feel so cursed and so hopeless to help myself.

Tom made a deal with me and said that through the 2nd–6th unless I get my period early and the time frame shifts, he’ll try his damnedest to cum and to please give him the benefit of the doubt and not keep pointing it out. I told him I won’t mention it and that I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. But I know better. He’s not gonna cum during that time and if he does, it’ll be once. And even though he could do it twice a day every day and not be able to get me pregnant, I need to get to that final step! He says that he’s as confident that we’ll have a family as I’m confident we won’t and that he feels so confident in his belief that that’s why he’s doing this job. He thinks it’s best not to try, but he’s doing this job to help me with my feelings about us not doing enough to accomplish anything. He tells me all my emotions are normal and that there’s nothing wrong with what I say, how often I say it, and how I feel, but I feel like a freak.

Then he told me something quite scary. He said it’s common to want something really bad, get it, then end up wanting it all over again. He said not to be surprised if we had a kid, then when it was 3 these feelings kicked in again. He told me his mom even has baby dreams and that they make her happy. Yeah, well, I wish that to dream and to only dream would make me happy, cuz that’s about all I could ever do with my life is just live on dreams. Still, I’d rather get something that I wanted really bad and take the feelings of having that want all over again later on down the road, cuz then I’ll at least be dreaming of something I had. Not something I could never have.

Well, I guess I’m gonna go try calling Andy again, update him on my teeth, tell him about the package and see what’s up with him.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 1996
I don’t have time to really write much now, cuz I expect Andy to be calling any moment.
I’ve got good news, weird news, news that’s nothing new, and a sad experience I envisioned last night that shook me up to get into, but I’ll do it later.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 1996
Well, I guess I did get punished for saying I was taking charge of my own life, body and dreams. I should have stuck to what I said about quitting TV cuz one of the movies I taped is completely fucked up. I can’t see or hear it. But why did Tom ask me what channels I was watching? Did he do something to it? I don’t think he’d play around with it on me. I don’t think that’s his idea of a joke. He hasn’t said anything about bad reception, so I’m sure it was God sending a message that I can’t control what I do and that must’ve been his way of punishing me for “talking back” to him.

Or maybe it was Robin, cuz I told her last night that there are 3 things she must do if she wants to hang around here and that’s to know that it’s my body and my life, that I’m not gonna take her lying to me and that she’s not to fuck with the TV reception or other electrical stuff. Then when she tried to tell me I was 10 days pregnant, I told her that was it, she was to go away and stay away. So this could’ve been retaliation on her part.

I told Tom all about the dream and that I fully intended to take charge of my own life. I didn’t tell him I felt I could be just kidding myself, though. I’m not sure how he felt about it and I could have sworn he gave me that “look” so to speak that said I was gonna be wrong. You see, he seems to have a thing about proving the opposite of what people say. He seems to be dead set against the idea that if you say something’s gonna be a certain way, you limit yourself, and therefore, it does seem like he’s trying to prove this to me. At the same time, he seems to want to prove to me that if I say negative things, such as that we can’t have a kid, he seems to want to prove that if I say stuff like that, it’ll come true.

Basically, it almost seems like he tries to prove me wrong about positive things I say and right about negative things I say. I wouldn’t be surprised if he made sure I wasn’t pregnant in a couple of months to try to prove to me something he’s always felt strongly about and that’s that I can’t control things. They must happen in their own time.

He says it’d be no problem financially if I was pregnant now or in the past, but another thing that makes me wonder if he’s totally leveling with me is my teeth. He says he’s not gonna start looking for another job till my teeth are done so we don’t have to switch insurance right in the middle of dealing with my teeth. Once again, I wonder if he’s saying he’s ready for the kid now, but really wants to wait for that new job. Who knows for sure? Only his actions will tell.

He says he doesn’t keep track of where I am in my cycle too precisely, but if he doesn’t, and if he knows we haven’t hit it right, then why isn’t he putting more effort into doing so after 5 months? I mean, he is by this “job” we’re doing, but it still seems pretty ironic that he doesn’t cum that much, doesn’t cum at the right times, and has always got a problem. Really. There’s always a problem. Last night’s problem was that the friction felt different and maybe I was too dry. I’m more sensitive than he is, so if such a problem existed, how come I didn’t feel it? He’s getting rather obvious that he’ll happily take a kid if it came now but would much rather wait. He’s just too tired, too hurt, too sore and something’s always just not quite right. I also think he knows right where I am in my cycle.

The way he rides me when he cums is also different from the way he does it when he doesn’t cum. It seems that when he cums, he moves much quicker and for a little longer. So yes, I wonder if he’s intentionally moving slower for a quicker amount of time most of the time we screw. If this is true, of course he’s gonna do it when it’s less likely for me to conceive, as well as when it’s more likely, cuz he probably figures that makes it look less obvious.

Well, like I said, we’ll just have to wait and see what he does in the next couple of months. Hopefully, I won’t see any kind of a pattern here as the months go by. We’ll see just how right or how wrong I am. He did tell me not to give up on him and that he is sure our sex life will progress even further. It really has come a long way since we first began, but it sure was a really slow process.

On the flip side, he said something earlier tonight that really touched me. I’ve been working really hard on cutting down on the cigarettes till Friday, cuz we’ll be short of money till then. I asked him if he was proud of me for taking charge of my life and he said he’s prouder of me for the cigarettes, cuz I’m usually so stubborn about that than he is about the kid issue. He said in such a matter-of-fact tone of voice like never before, “The kid is going to happen.” He’s said this before, but never has this time touched me as much as any other time he’s said this. And he did seem 100% sincere. I don’t know what it was about the way he said it, but maybe it’s cuz he’s never said it with the degree of the matter-of-fact tone he used earlier. It was like he knew it like he knows I’m a journal writer.

Later…

I got a hold of Tammy and rubbed in our lovely monitor. Her reaction was so expected and so funny. She was like, who gives a shit? We always tease each other about the nice new stuff we get.

One week from tomorrow I’ll be on the rag, so I hope to hell I don’t start getting bad PMS. I hate PMS with a passion! I hate feeling so depressed and sometimes even like I want to drop dead. So far, so good, though, cuz now’s the time I usually start feeling this way, but once I get down to where there’s like 3-5 days left before I’m ragging, I feel like shit. That’s when the worst of the depression sets in and the pre-cramps are strongest, but I should be getting those any minute now.

Later…

Tom got in at 5:30, ate, and then we talked. We also raced each other on the two computers to who would win solitaire first and I was the winner on that one.

Then we did our job right before he went to bed and tonight’s excuse was the usual - he was tired. And he says he’s gonna get to the point where he’s cumming daily? How? Well, I still think he can and that he’s not always so tired. I think it’s simply a case of him telling himself, “I’m not that tired. I’m just not gonna cum more often till I feel damn good and ready and when it’s a better time to get her pregnant.”

He put very little effort into it. He was only on top of me for barely a few minutes, then, as if he felt guilty and knew what he was doing, he began kissing me frantically as he was getting off me, saying I was so good that I wore him out. If I was so good, then why didn’t he get off? Isn’t that how it’s supposed to work, or is everyone really that different like he says?

Amazingly, I still have no pre-cramps, but I know I’ll be hit with them any second now. I’ve got other PMS symptoms - bloating, water, gas, constipation, sore tits and occasional backaches. Not too bad with the emotions and I hope it stays that way.

I’ve really got to ignore Robin for a while. They just asked me when I was gonna get my period. I told them a week from today and they started that fucking giggling. Do they think I’m that stupid? As if I didn’t know any better. My periods are as stuck on me as I am on cigarettes and that’s about as stuck as you can get.

In a little while I’ll write about my talk last night with Andy, his friend Delvis, then the call I got from Tammy today that I totally expected. She both cracked me up and pissed me off, but I’ll get into all that later and the deal I struck with myself.

Later…

Tom, Andy and I were getting a real kick out of how Bob says he came into the world bald, so he has to exit that way. Typical Bob. I told Tom and Andy that if I were to commit suicide, I’d have to cut my hair really short since that’s how I came into this world. I came in with a full head of hair. Also, if I decide to commit suicide, I’ll have to shave my pussy hair and go back to being deaf in one ear, since I came into this world deaf in one ear and with no pussy hair.

I typed up the immediate to-do list for Tom. I put each thing in a different font with boxes after each thing to check off when it’s completed. Of course, the ‘make the kid’ will never get checked off, since I’m only fooling myself to think that I could do what I want with my life/body. However, there’s hope for the other things which are, the back room, the patio/yard, the sound blocks, the stereo cover, the heater, and I think that’s it. Who knows how many months or years this will all take, though.

No wonder I’ve had moving vibes about next door. I don’t think they’re there. Well, she’s there, cuz I see lights on over there, but I don’t think he’s been there. I do hear music here and there, but it’s way too soft to always be him. I mean, it’s a totally reasonable volume and I don’t see what would make him so polite and considerate of his neighbors all of a sudden. It could be this, though. These people are obviously able to handle the heat of the summers here with no problem. Last summer’s parties proved that. So, maybe it was really loud cuz he had had his car windows open. Now that it’s cooled down, and given the fact that if you can take the heat, you can’t take the cooler weather or the cold well and vice versa, he may have his car windows shut now.

Last night I was chatting with Andy, cuz I wanted him to hear the Springfield weather line I just checked out. I had checked it out, cuz I wanted to compare it to what AOL had to say their weather was. Finally, they’re having more of a winter and they even have patches of snow on the ground and today and yesterday they only hit about 30° and had lows in the teens.

Andy called Delvis collect. He used to work with her in Springfield and they’ve kept in touch. She lives in a really scummy area. Almost as bad as Oswego St. She said it was freezing there and she had 5 blankets on her bed. She had to get up and go out in that freezing cold and walk to the bus stop at 6 AM when it’s gonna be really fucking freezing! We were laughing our asses off at her and rubbing in how our low last night was 63° and that we’ve been in the mid-80s. She was really sweet to take it, though, as Andy pointed out.

Now I know why Tom said my folks may beat me to the happy Chanukah call. Chanukah starts at sundown on the 5th and my birthday is on the 4th, so maybe they’ll call for that, but I still wouldn’t be too shocked if they didn’t. I guess the letter really didn’t go over too well with them. Especially since I didn’t get any packages yet. Or maybe she hasn’t gotten around to it, is sending it with birthday or holiday stuff, or is making up their own letter to get me back with. Who knows? Like with Marty, Ruth, Tammy, and myself, we all have to do what we have to do.

I knew Tammy would be calling anytime to brag about something nice she got and she did. I don’t buy all the stuff she said she got, though. I mean, they’ve got money and I know that. You have to if you’re gonna support 5 people, but a cell phone, a new car, a 31” TV, a couple of other smaller TVs, and a dual VCR? I don’t think so.

It was pretty funny, though, the way we were teasing each other. She said she rocks out at night, but of course, that’s my department for the most part.

Then she gets on my case about how if I were to work, think of all I could do with that extra money and I told her that if she mentions that or what I should do regarding Mom or Dad again, I’ll mention my hair and weight like hell. So, I struck a deal with myself, which I told Tom. Most doctors will say to give it a year to try to conceive. So, since he started cumming last July, I’ll give it till next July, then I am gonna get off my lazy ass, quit wasting my time on dreams, and get a job somehow somewhere. I still say my destiny is either to do nothing or settle on some job somewhere, so I might as well do something that’ll bring in more money and perhaps make myself and others feel better about myself. I know I shouldn’t care what others think and what my family thinks, I couldn’t care less. However, I like Tom’s family too much to not care at all what they think and they must think I’m quite a lazy person who’s using Tom. I don’t know how the hell I’m gonna maintain a schedule or what I’ll do for transportation, but I’ll figure it out.

I’ve been thinking about that spotting incident I had last August and some things just don’t make sense. If I did that cuz my body was supposed to be adjusting to his cum and changing over to where it could conceive, then why didn’t it when he came in me when we were in the right time frame? And why have my periods gone back to normal? He says he doesn’t think we’ve hit it right. I think we have hit it right 2-3 times since then, so once again, I think it was just God teasing me. He figured that he’d do something different right after Tom started cumming, spark a tiny bit of hope in me, then snatch it away.

Tomorrow I’ll be seeing the dentist. Oh, how I hope that isn’t gonna be a costly, painful ordeal that’s gonna take millions of appointments! I don’t want this to turn into another Nielsen series where I have so many appointments over a year or more. I know I have so many different tooth problems, so I don’t see how it can all be taken care of in just a few shots. I need the gums taken care of, fillings, a cleaning, and the impacted tooth and wisdom teeth dealt with.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 1996
Got up at 10:30 today and of course, I gained a pound in my sleep and woke up at 103. Losing weight just isn’t something I can do anymore. Oh, I could lose it, but that would mean practically starving myself and I just don’t feel like doing that.

To finish up about what I was saying about the monitor and some things Tom said to me. He told me that when my emotional state isn’t good, it disrupts my body’s natural process. He says it’s always worked that way for me in the past, yet he tells me not to judge present and future things by past experiences.

Also, I’d like to know this. If it disrupts my female parts and the way my body operates, then why is it that when I went through the hell I did back east with the asthma and the NHA I always got my periods? Some are lighter than others and some are a day or two late or early, but they’ve never failed to come and I’ve heard that stress, depression and anger kick periods way out of cycle for most women. Not me it doesn’t.

The monitor’s great. The colors are nice and even and distinct from one another. The only glitch in it is that there’s a faint, thin line across the lower part of the screen, but it doesn’t change the appearance of text or pictures, so that’s good. The screen is flatter, too, so that makes it look better. Eldon got this monitor with money his parents left him, from what I hear. It’s a $500 monitor and he’s got a $2,000 monitor.

Tom tried fixing the heater in the living room last night with a part he got from his ma’s house, but it’s the wrong size.

I still haven’t gotten ahold of Tammy yet to rub the new monitor in her face, but I did talk to her yesterday cuz I was curious to know what she and Bill did for his birthday. They went to a fancy restaurant and a couple of casinos. They didn’t win, but they had fun.

Tammy still hasn’t said anything about the message I left her telling her of my feelings and opinions about her and Mom and Dad, but what can she say?

Today Marty and Ruth should get my letter and they and my folks will either think it was a nice thing to do on my part or pitch a fit, but I still don’t expect to hear anything about it from anyone.

We’re gonna be sending Tammy, Bill, and my parents mugs with our pictures on them for Chanukah. We were gonna do this last year but were too broke.

If I can get on the right schedule, somehow, we’re going to David and Evie’s house for Turkey Day. I am not looking forward to this at all. I hate being around lots of people and even though this is the coolest family, I guess you could say I still feel like a bit of an outcast. I’m pretty much the only one with no job or kids.

Speaking of schedules, I thought I couldn’t keep one, but what about these doctors? Just like with the tooth people, and just like Nielsen’s done in the past, his office called to reschedule me for December 5th, instead of the 12th. I told the woman, with all due respect, I really need to keep the appointments we make. It’s not easy for Tom to take off from work to drive me.

I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this yet, but there may be another reason why Tom may want to stall the kid. Now, I’m not saying this is true for a fact. Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. And maybe he knows it and maybe it’s a subconscious thing within his mind if this is true. He recently found out that BOA will give their employees time off if they or their spouses have babies, but not with pay. He said it’s still OK, though, to have the kid, cuz he can plan for something he knows about ahead of time. Maybe so. Maybe we could get by, but I’d still think that one would be a wee bit nervous about jumping into making a kid with their job future and financial future unknown. I’m surprised he doesn’t tell me he wants to wait till he gets a higher-paying job that’ll definitely pay people to take time off if they need it.

Like I said, there’s still a chance (since I can never know for sure what’s on his mind like he said) that he told me he was ready for a kid when he told me this around late ‘94, but knew he wasn’t and planned to hold back till last July. But why last July? Back then, as far as he was concerned, we did have this leave with pay and he’d accumulated time, so maybe that’s why he chose July, figuring he’d have all that time to use for appointments, then to spend with the baby when it was born. Now that he knows he doesn’t have this paid time, he may still be telling me he’s ready now but plans to keep “missing” it till he feels we’re better set money-wise. If we found out I was going to have a kid 7 months from now, I don’t see how he could accumulate paid days at a new job that pays more in just 7 months. But then why isn’t he looking for a new job that has what we need to afford a kid? My guess is that he doesn’t have the time. He even said that if he got a job on the second shift, he’d have the daytime to look for a better job, so I guess it’s gonna be a while yet before he becomes more energetic and hits it right and more frequently so we can get to that final step and he can know what I know.

We’ll just have to wait and see what he does, but this is what I think. I think he’s gonna tire himself out for quite a while yet. Or say he’s tired or sick or that something hurts. And he’s gonna cum only 1-3 times a month and conveniently not at the right times till he feels more confident to step up his action and perk up.

Of course, if he read what I just wrote, he’d say I was wrong and very cruel, but I’m only going by what I’ve seen so far and what I believe. If he does differently, fine.

I had him both right and wrong last night, and I’ll admit when I’m wrong and when he does just what I figured on. He was too tired to get off, but I didn’t even think he could get hard. He did.

He told me not to give up on him. I told him I wouldn’t, but that I’d really appreciate it if he could do whatever he could to not be so tired. I didn’t tell him it’s cuz we need to get to that final step. We’ll get there. So he doesn’t need to hear it from me cuz he won’t believe me. Not till he does hit it right more often (if he does). Then he’ll see it for himself and that’s what it’ll take. He won’t take my word for it.

For the most part, throughout this hopeless fight to have a kid, I’ve gone from being sad, to slightly annoyed and frustrated, to angry, and last night, I had a dream that made me furious. No, last night I had a dream I had my period, but the night before I had a dream that made me really put my foot down.

Tom wasn’t in the dream, but in the dream, God was supposed to be visiting Phoenix and people were allowed to see him to make requests of him. So, I was waiting in line in a huge room. God was sitting at one side of a table and one by one, the people with requests would sit facing him. God looked like an ordinary man in his 40s with dark hair and eyes.

A man in front of me sat down across from God and said, “God, nice to meet you. I know I’ve killed a few people, but my old lady really wants a kid. Can we have one?”

God said, “Sure.”

Then it was my turn. I sat down, faced him, and said, “I know you may not like me very much. At least that’s what I feel. I know I’ve made mistakes and that people have also made mistakes with me, but I feel like you’ve taken so much from me. You took my childhood and dreams I had along the way, so please don’t take my husband and please don’t take my right to have a child. It’s my body, my right, my life, my dream, so please let us have a child?”

All the while, he was expressionless, then he said coldly and firmly, “No. And don’t ask again.”

Shakily, I got up and began to walk away, not believing God could do this to me, and watched a woman sit down next. She told God, “I know I’ve done time for theft and am heavily addicted to crack, but can I have a child?”

God said, “Sure!” as he turned to grin at me with a malicious and evil grin that really shook me up before I woke up.

After thinking about this dream, I was so fucking furious it wasn’t funny. I finally looked up, said in my head, that’s it! No more will any God, any devil, or any spirit control my life and my body. Almost my whole life has been what whatever’s up there says it’s gonna be. No more! From now on, I make my own life. It’s my body and my life and if I choose to be pregnant and have a kid, then that’s what I shall do. No more doing what this so-called fate sets up for me to do or to be. It’s my turn to have control over most of my life, not just a tiny part of it. If I wanted to be a singer still, I’d find a way and there ain’t no God, devil, or spirit that could stop me. I shall no longer allow my life to be at the mercy and hands of anyone else but myself. I may not be able to say hey, I don’t want any split ends, but I’m not cutting my hair, therefore, no more split ends. However, I can say I want a child, and a child I shall have, cuz I’m gonna make sure Tom and I do hit it right and that we do get our dream.

The good news is that I haven’t been “punished” for saying this. The bad news is that I know I’m only kidding myself by saying this. I have no control whatsoever over my dream, my body, my life, and I’ll never be allowed a child no matter how often he cums and hits it right.

For the first time in a long time, Robin came around last night, but nothing’s changed. She had the nerve to BS me again by telling me I was about 10 days pregnant. That’s absolutely and totally and completely 100% impossible. I may have had no pre-cramps yet, but I’m still 8 days away from my period. They may not start till I’m 2-3 days away from my period, but I am gonna get my period, like it or not, and there’s not a damn thing I can do about it, cuz I don’t rule this body of mine. It’s like it’s not even mine. I don’t own it. God owns it.

Later…

What, if anything, will I get in the mail today? I’d like to say I’m gonna get a package from my parents, my 21 puzzle books and my CDs, but I know that if I get anything, it’ll be a letter from Kim or Bob.

Damn! I’ve got 3 packs of smokes here that are supposed to last me till Friday morning before he goes to work, but I feel like I want a cigarette as soon as I put one out. It’s like I could smoke down this whole pack right now. Well, that’s just another thing God won’t help me with after I’ve tried to help myself to no avail. He controls that, my schedule and everything, so it seems.

Tammy’s area code changed from 203 to 860, so I’m gonna go reprogram her number, do some cleaning, and cook Tom something for dinner when he gets home.

Later…

I was right. I got letters from Bob and Kim. Bob’s letter is long, boring, sick and pathetic. I swear, for every one time I mention a kid, he mentions sex 20 times. Everything with him is sex, sex, sex, and I know he did commit this crime now. He just kept it well hidden for quite a while there, but now that I’ve been out here I can see more and more just how guilty he is. He got the girl drunk so she couldn’t move, then raped her. The more I can see that 99% of his talk is about sex, and as soon as he told me he had a kid, well, that was the final straw. There’s no such thing as a childless child molester, rapist or murderer. I know he’s guilty and he should rot in hell and be as miserable as he is. And he says he’s my friend and feels like he’s my dad? What kind of father or person that’s just a friend talks about my panties and slapping the cum out of my husband? Sick! Really fucking sick!

He says he misses drawing pictures on my envelopes and that it occupied his time and that he got a real kick out of it. Yeah, I’m sure he did. So, let me guess, he’s gonna start drawing pictures on my envelopes now, cuz he’s gotta do only what he wants to do? He drew the corniest pictures and put the corniest quotes next to them such as: Can I call you mommy? Here you can play with my ball. I love you. You are special sing for me? Next to a small drawing of a pacifier, he wrote: Pacify me Baby Doll.

Is that a sick kiddy molester or what?

Then he says he’s gonna send me a thing about how 44% of rape convictions are false, but I don’t buy it, but there’s one thing he said that I do buy. He talks about his one-sided love for Kim and how God’s so cruel and unfair. God’s cruelty and unfairness are all I agree with.

Here’s a corny thing he said to Kim at the end of his letter to her to try to get her to feel sorry for him: Tonight I cut my hair off. All of it. I figure I am praying for death. I came into this world with no hair so I will exit with no hair.

I believe he’s well into his 70s and not early 60s. It’s really sad that after 70-something years, he has no clue as to just how fucked up he is and why he keeps losing friends.

Another corny thing he did with those drawings and quotes is that he starts off his letter in a weird and senseless way and says: Dearest Daughter, I drew you a picture hoping I would cheer you up but that didn’t work. I hope you will.

I guess he knew the drawings and things he had to say certainly wouldn’t cheer me up. Of course, he’s also told both me and Kim he hasn’t heard from me.

No shit! I wonder why?

I may have forgotten to mention this, but in the letter I got from him before this one, he claims that while he was on suicide watch for 8 days, he had to lay naked in a room with a female nurse/guard. He says he had sex with her and that she asked him to come live with her when he’s free.

Yeah, right! What a crock of bullshit!

Instead of copying Kim’s letter, I’ll just run through the highlights of it. She wrote it on really nice stationery with cats on it and the envelope. I cut the cats out of the bottom of one of the sheets to use to decorate whatever. She enclosed a couple of Bob letters she got and says: He’s going on about me, throws in a line about you, goes back to me - his usual stuff. She says that for now, she’s gonna tell him she hasn’t heard from me, either, and that she’ll probably dump him in December or January, but doesn’t know how.

I had asked her about her dad. She doesn’t talk about him much, so I wondered what was the scoop with him. She says he lives in town and they do see each other.

She and John are having an awesome sex life and her hair’s down just past her shoulders which is hard to picture.

She’s not doing much with Excel, is into Spanish, church, and debt, and says something about flurries being expected. I hope so! Like she says, it is November.

Later…

I just talked to Kim, but not for long, cuz her dad came to pick her up.

She says she forgot to ask Bob about what the joke we played on him was supposed to be that he says he read from the journal sheets, but she’ll work on it.

She says she just got another Bob letter today, but hasn’t read it yet. Let me guess what it’s about - Oh, Kim, I love you! Have you heard from our Jodi? Sex, sex, sex…

I was shocked to read in her letter how she had someone else address the envelope to my folks. She said, “You never know, besides, this girl was sitting next to me, so I asked her to fill it out.”

You never know? But how could they know her handwriting and how could she not know for sure if they’ve seen it or not? Does she know something I don’t?

I wouldn’t be surprised if right now my parents and Marty and Ruth were on the phone or at one of their condos having quite a lengthy discussion about my letter. I’ll bet you it’s Marty who doesn’t want to deal with me, but Ruth might suggest one little quick call. If I do get a call, I’ll bet it’ll be from Ruth and that if I ask to say hi to Marty, she’ll say he’s out or sleeping.

Yes, I come from a very strange, unique and sometimes sick family.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 1996
I didn’t get the chance to write yesterday as we spent all day at Ma’s house. We left here at around 9:15 and returned at 4:30. We didn’t get the washer moved into the house or the gardening done, but Tom made major progress on the pipes. I even helped by sawing a pipe.

Ma and I chatted and she even did a puzzle from my word find book. I left it over there for her. She could use something like that to occupy her time.

For lunch, Ma got her and me some Chinese food, and Tom got something else.

Cindy stopped over at some point too, and chatted with us.

Amazingly, Ma didn’t mention Nickolena. She did tell me a rather scary story that seems oh so typical of something God would do. This woman wanted a kid for a long time, had a miscarriage, then at age 35 she was pregnant again and an ultrasound found a tumor on the baby’s brain. It’s always the ones who want kids that have to deal with such problems. I’m sure this was a stable, drug-free, and decent woman, too. Tom says it’s something we shouldn’t worry about if I got pregnant cuz that’s very, very rare. Oh, yeah? Well, I’m a magnet for rarity. How many people have had our past sex life? How many people can’t keep a schedule? How many people have this kind of tooth impaction? How many people have one ear?

God always seems to work the same way. He either never lets you have what you want, or if he does, he makes sure there are major problems with it and that it’s nothing like how you hoped it’d be.

I should’ve stuck to my plan of not watching TV, cuz last night I saw another classic example of how God gives you life if you take life. I saw a true story of a guy who killed his parents and his brother. Yes, he went to jail for life for it, but what else did he get for it? A kid, naturally. Then I went to turn the TV on again later and the first thing I hear is all about a woman discussing how her son visits daddy in prison. It’s sick. It really is. And every other commercial is still all about kids, babies, and pregnancy.

What more is God gonna take from me? First he took my childhood. Then made my adult life before meeting Tom a living hell and made sure there wasn’t a damn thing I could do about it. Then he took other dreams I had had along the way. Then he took control over my own body and took my right to have a child. All cuz I’m not a killer. Or causing other serious trouble.

Well, let’s just say I’m finding it awfully hard to just lay down and take it and even to stop hating God so much.

Regardless of my sterility, the only other concerns of mine are how serious Tom is about a child and how often he’ll cum. I still get the feeling I’m being teased and that he’d rather not cum that much, be tired and make sure we don’t hit it right. For how long this will go on, if my feeling is right about this, I don’t know. Hopefully not long. I need more than anything right now, to get to the point where he, too, sees that I’m as sterile as can be, so he can better help me to get on with life and then hope to work on getting through life without all these bitter emotions I’ve been feeling.

I haven’t felt any pre-cramps yet, but I will any time now. I’m about 9 days away from my period. My tits are really sore, though, so I’m definitely as non-pregnant as I knew I was, cuz I don’t see how anyone’s tits can be this sore unless their body’s gearing up for a period.

I was surprised at something Tom said yesterday. I took my journal over to Ma’s and left it there when we went to the store for parts while she was in church. Then I left it there again while Ma was there and we were out getting lunch. Tom asked me, “So what horrible things have you written about me?”

Then he told me he didn’t know if his family could’ve stopped by to read it while no one was there or if his ma could’ve read some of it while we were out, but I can’t picture any of his family members checking it out. Then he insisted that I say and write bad things about him every day. If that were true of me, then why’d he marry me and why is he still with me? Why’s he so paranoid? Obviously, there’s a damn good chance he is reading my journals, cuz he is a very sensitive guy and he would take a lot of the things I say about him as being negative. I only write what I really feel and believe. In the end, I may’ve been right and I may’ve been wrong, but still, I’ll write whatever I want to in my journals, like I said.

Well, today’s Veteran’s Day which is a lot like Memorial Day and Labor Day, so I expect it to be very noisy around here today. Tom says there won’t be anything going on next door, but I disagree. I hear music playing at a low and reasonable volume, but I know what this means - party.

Later…

Next door’s music didn’t last long at all. It was so soft, though, that I think it was coming from inside their place and not the car, cuz it wasn’t very bassy at all.

Just a few minutes ago, when I was in the bathroom, I thought I heard the car start, but I didn’t hear any music or the sound of them driving out, but I’ve heard that before, so who knows? I think these people are definitely more like night folks, and I still wouldn’t be surprised if they party heartily, even though I hope I’m dead wrong.

Anyway, Tom and I agreed that he could have two sick days a month from our job. I can only imagine which days he’ll pick, too, but once again, I hope I’m dead wrong. Why else would I have these feelings, though? Is it pure paranoia on my part due to being fucked over by all kinds of people in the past? Anyway, I’m just gonna go with what I feel and hope I’m wrong.

He had a sick day yesterday cuz he only slept for about 4 hours the night before and had worked all day at his mom’s. So, he went to bed at 6 PM and I thought he’d sleep for about 10-12 hours, but he got up really early. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t quite sleep for 8 hours. I know he can set alarm clocks in his head. I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s doing this.

He left for Eldon’s just after 8:00 this morning and will probably be back sometime in the mid-afternoon. It works out perfectly for him, cuz by the time he gets in, eats, digests, and then we have sex, he’ll be nice and tired. It’s definitely no joke that he can’t get off when he’s tired. It seems that way, anyway.

I told him last night that in exchange for playing hooky, I’d like for him to get off December 2nd-6th. He said he’ll do his best, but it’s not in his control. A degree of it may be in his control, but he’s got a point. It’s in God’s control. Life isn’t what we make it. Life is what God makes it for us. I just wish I knew why he won’t let us get to that 3rd step. You know, the one where Tom becomes a believer, too, in my sterility. It seems he doesn’t want Tom to know what I know. Why? What’s he waiting for? I guess it’s just another way of teasing me and torturing my mind, body, and soul. There really is no getting help at all from God, is there? You’d think that after denying me a child, the least he could do would be to help get me through and over that, but no.

Later…

I’m kind of bored now and missing Tom. It figures he’s fucking late. Once again, fine that he helps others, fine that we’re getting a nice monitor, but what about stuff here? What about cleaning the oven like he promised months ago? What about the yard? What about putting my stereo cover back on? What about putting the part in the living room wall heater? What about the rest of the back room? What about his cumming every day like he says he can? What about the sound blocks? He’s never gonna have the energy to get off tonight. I still feel like I feel most of the time. That his helping others is more important and that sex comes last.

I keep trying to remind myself it doesn’t matter when he cums and how often, cuz I’m sterile, but it does. I need Tom to see the truth, so he can help me get through this better. Telling me we’re gonna have a kid isn’t helping me, whether he knows it or not. It’s lying to me. And why is it OK for him to tell me he’s sure of certain things and judge me by my past and I can’t?

He says it irks him if I say we “will” or we “won’t” have a kid, cuz he swears we can never know what the future holds as far as anything goes. But he says we “will” have a kid. Then he insists that he says we’ll have a kid cuz I demand him to. Bull. Most of the time he says so on his own. I thanked him for telling me what he thought I’d want to hear and not what he believed, but he swears he does believe it.

Later…

Tom finally got in about a half-hour ago and man this monitor’s nice! Twice as nice as our old one before we got all the lines in it. I’ve got to see if I can call Tammy to rub it into her. We definitely do have a nicer monitor.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 1996
Didn’t get the chance to write the other day, but now I can get started.

We got the new monitor from the computer repair shop that was his mother’s. He says, though, that the one he’s gonna get this Monday from Eldon’s is way better. His ma’s old monitor is much better than the one we were using, but it also sucks at the same time. Everything is too small, rather than expanded like ours was and it’s quite grainy. The numbers and menu items are blurry.

I have a new way of letting Bunny run around where she’s out of reach of wires and that’s on our beds that are side by side. Of course, she’ll eventually get big enough to jump off the beds, but for now, it’s so cute how she runs around and jumps around on the beds. As for Piggy? He just sits there with me. He does his running around in the cage.

I received some astonishing news from Tammy yesterday when I called to wish Bill a happy 50th birthday. This is a major record for New England. Something I’ve never heard of, just like I’ve never heard of cactuses and palm trees in New England. She says it’s been in the 70s there for a few days. In the 70s! Good, God! This is due to a massive storm front coming through, that probably hit them last night. They’re gonna get tons of rain with massive T-storms, then it’ll get colder.

When I called Tammy and Bill, it was 2:30 PM their time. They were about to get ready to have a limo take the girls to McDonald’s, then back home, I guess. Then she and Bill were to go out in a limo to dinner, then to a surprise place she couldn’t tell me cuz Bill was right there to hear. So, I’ll ask her about it some other time. I’m sure it must’ve been quite fancy, cuz she said Bill would be in a nice suit and she was gonna do her hair and put on makeup and wear a nice silk skirt and shirt. Tammy’s not one to usually dress up.

Believe it or not, I wrote a nice letter to Marty and Ruth yesterday. I don’t know if it’ll piss them or my folks off. I guess the reason why I did this was out of curiosity to see if they really hate me as much as I think they do. I guess that ever since before I left Deerfield, they pretty much wrote me off in their book, but from what I hear they still keep in touch with Tammy. They sent Bill a card when he was really sick, and gave the kids clothes. I’m sure they’ve sent Larry and his kids stuff, too. The weird thing about it is, is that when I got that one call from Ruth when I was in Deerfield, as far as I knew, everything was OK between her and Marty and me. I had thought that the past was dead and buried, so why we never got a wedding card like we did from people like Boo & Max and Goldie & Al beats me. There are only two reasons that I can think of that made them ditch me and not even call every couple of years just to say hi. They probably either decided they couldn’t get over and let go of the past or someone prank-called them and they thought it was me.

Anyway, I guess you could say it doesn’t matter how they react or how my folks react, but I am curious to see what they do. My guess - nothing, and I can bet you that if I was pregnant and they found out, they’d be quite disappointed and wonder how the hell I could handle it and how much I’d screw the kid up, but I’m sure my whole family, except for Larry, would think that way. It’s human nature for most people to think that you can’t handle certain things or do them well, due to something you may have done wrong years ago. Also, people tend to think that if someone else couldn’t deal with something in the past, they never can.

Well, I don’t have to copy the letter here, cuz I can just tell you what I basically said. I said I was sorry for any problems I caused in the past and that I didn’t want them to feel obligated to contact us. I told them that I understand that we all have people from our pasts that we were either related to or not, that we had troubles with, and that we don’t necessarily wish to re-associate with, and that people have to do what they have to do.

So, I basically let them know the ball was in their court. They could call or not call. I also told them how blessed I was to have Tom and a little bit about him and my life out here.

I guess my temperature fluctuates, anyway, and plays no part in when I’m ovulating, cuz yesterday morning I was curious and found that it was 99.0.

Tom sort of surprised me, but didn’t surprise me. He chose to start the job up again and we did so yesterday. So, I was kind of leaning towards believing he’d opt to just have sex whenever and not daily. I also thought that whether or not he opted to go back to the job he’d wait till today, but we started yesterday. Still, as I thought, he began the job when it’s gotten to be much more likely to not be able to conceive. It was borderline, so to speak.

So, what do I think? I still think he doesn’t want a kid as bad as I do and that this job resulting in him cumming more and my conceiving is bullshit. I think he’ll always cum about 2-3 times a month.

Last night I heard this weird knocking sound and thought, oh geez. It’s a wonderful day in the freeloaderhood. But they didn’t come in till later and when they did, they did so at a reasonable volume.

Later…

Tom got all the major roofing and rubble out to the dumpster and edged parts of the grass that was quite high. Now, all we have to do is mow the rest of the lawn, pick up smaller pieces of wood, old roofing and nails, blow off all the dirt from the patio, then de-duty.

I’m very glad he made a major dent in the garbage out back, but we couldn’t have screwed first? See, I still think he’s teasing me and is gonna hold out as much as he can for a while longer. He’s gonna be too tired to get off. I can almost always tell from the get-go if he’s gonna cum or not. If he’s fairly hard before I touch him and stays pretty hard while I do him by hand, he’ll more than likely cum. If he’s fairly deflated the whole time, he more than likely won’t cum. How much you wanna bet that when I’m more likely to conceive the next time, which will be around Dec. 2-6, he won’t cum? He’ll be too tired or something will hurt or he’ll be sick. I may not have always been right when it comes to him, but I still know my husband quite well.

Later…

Tom’s in the shower now getting ready for work. We screwed earlier, but he didn’t get off. I was wrong this time. I thought he would, but he said his heart and body were out of sync with his dick. Guess his heart was racing.

How weird, but Tom says that next door was parked in the street. I wonder why he sometimes parks deep in the carport, in the driveway under the basketball hoop and on the street? He rarely parks on the street, but I hope this doesn’t mean it’s cuz he’s making way for company to pull in. Then again, if company was pulling in, wouldn’t he park deep in the carport and let the others park on the rest of the driveway and street? Who the hell knows?

Well, I’m glad we’ve started our job back up. I don’t miss always being horny and having to take care of myself more than he does. Now, at this time, if I want to dream, I won’t get pre-cramps starting around the 13th. If I want to be realistic, then I’ll know better and that I will, cuz like I said, water yes, but I don’t see how one can get pre-cramps and be pregnant.

Today, Tom will be working from 4:00 till they’re done. The great thing about it is that he’ll be getting $12 something an hour cuz this is overtime. This will really help with buying our families Chanukah and Christmas presents. We’d like to get my folks and Tammy and Bill mugs with our pictures on them, like we’d hoped to last year, but were too broke to.

I think that cuz I don’t get too many letters anymore, I may go back to copying them in. Not the ones Bob sends Kim, though. Of course, if she sends me any she got from him that are particularly funny, I will, but that’s a very rare occasion. We’ll see. If I do, I’ll probably just copy Kim and Bob’s into my written journals, but not the computer ones. Not unless it’s from a family member, Andy, or someone different.

Andy said Michelle got her letter and loved it, so maybe she’ll be sending off a letter to me. Andy dropped hints of having a big huge birthday letter for me. One where I think at least he, Michelle and that asshole Diane wrote.

I was thinking about my cousins Lori and Lisa. You know, my mom’s brother’s kids? I wonder what their lives are like. Is Lisa still married? Does she have any kids? I always thought Lori would be gay. I never heard any reports on her getting married, either. I also never heard any reports of Lisa getting a divorce or having kids, but who knows if my parents would tell me. The only reason, I think, that I knew that Lisa and my other cousin Polly were to be married, was cuz they had to drive up from Florida to be at their weddings. So, naturally, they told me why they were there at a time I wasn’t expecting them.

Tom says he thinks my folks may beat me in calling to wish each other a happy Chanukah, but I don’t know. We intend to call them, but I’m pretty sure they’ve made up their minds not to call me unless I call them. Why else haven’t they called?

Wow. I’ve got the place venting out and it’s actually getting warm in here. That’s good, though, cuz then we won’t freeze our asses off late at night and in the early morning. It’s like the reverse of how we do it in the summer. If we make it chilly at night, we don’t sweat like pigs as much in the daytime. It’s about 85° out.

Later…

Well, the birdies are out of seeds, but tomorrow we may get more. Meanwhile, I crushed some old Saltines I got sick of and gave them that. They like them.

I got something nice from the humane society. A 1997 calendar with dogs, cats and other animals. Tom says we can send them a $15 donation and that way they’ll keep sending stuff, while it helps animals.

Tom’s gonna be leaving in half an hour. Me? I’m just gonna veg out for the rest of the day and hope that next door doesn’t ruin it. So far, so good, though.

Later…

Tom’s gone to work almost an hour ago. It is such a gorgeous day out. It got hot earlier, but right now it’s gorgeous when you’re in the shade, when it’s dry and when it’s in the low 80s.

From the looks of it, next door’s been out all day.

Tomorrow, we’re gonna take off for Ma’s house at about 9 AM and we’ll probably get in sometime in the early afternoon. I’m sure it’ll be pretty noisy around there, but I won’t mind. I don’t have to live there and I miss seeing her. Even though the bulk of her conversation will be all about Nickolena and the one on the way, I hope we can stay there most of the day.

With Monday being Veteran’s Day, I hope next door doesn’t freak out like they did on Labor Day since most people don’t work that day.

I asked Tom, if I was pregnant and if my folks found out and spoke to me, if he thought they’d start up their bullshit and he said they may say something that I may take as being a negative statement, like, you don’t know what you’re in for. How can anyone not take that as being negative? I’d take it as someone telling me I didn’t know what I’m in for and that means that it’s nothing I could handle. Anyway, why worry about having to deal with something that won’t arise when I still know nothing will change God’s mind.

I’m still glad we started the job back up, but I think we’re glad for different reasons. He’s glad cuz it’s fun and he thinks it’ll make a kid. I’m glad cuz it’s fun and it makes me feel a bit more normal and like I said, I’d rather him do much more of the taking care of myself. God! I never thought I’d hear myself say that. I couldn’t stand Brenda and Kacey being all over me in the past and now I know how they must’ve felt.

I did something different the other night. I know this is gonna sound rather strange, but I had a little talk with Tom’s dad. I don’t know if he heard me or would or could help us, but I explained to him why I called on him and for what. I let him know that out of all those that have died, he’s the one I had liked the best and then I went on to say how we’ve been trying for a kid and that that’s what we want. I asked for his help, if that’s something he can do and would do, but you know what? God and the devil are much stronger and much more powerful than that of a spirit of a dead person, so if he could help us, he’s gonna have to get by God and I don’t think that’s possible. I’m sure God’s told him we can’t have a child and why.

Wendy called earlier with a computer question. I hope she doesn’t bug us with a whole load of calls.

Yesterday I left Kim a message and I haven’t heard from her yet, so I don’t know if she’s tried to call.

I had a weird dream the other night. Tom asked me if I’d prefer to get pregnant in the daytime or at night. I looked at him strangely and said, “Who gives a shit? As long as it happens.”

I know I had a dream last night too, related to the subject, but can’t remember it. Oh, I just did. I don’t know where I was or who this lady was, but she was an older lady and we were waiting in some room together, cuz supposedly it was safer there. Safer from what, who knows? I started to mention something about the DES and sterility and she, I guess, was an expert on DES and was telling me that DES didn’t mean I was sterile. Then, if I’m remembering right, I was thinking something about how it was God who was sterilizing me.

After asking myself about the possibility of God not wanting us to hit it right yet, but eventually allowing us to have a child, I can’t think of why. If it is meant to be, then when? And why would it be not meant to be now? I don’t see what we could do to make ourselves readier. Besides, if he wanted everyone to be readier, then 8 out of 10 kids wouldn’t be born to the kinds of parents and lifestyles they’re born into. There are, though, certain rules that apply to me that don’t apply to most people, so maybe that’s got something to do with it. You know how I’ve said that God gives life to those who take life and how he admires those and blesses those who kill? Well, come to think about it, I doubt that’d apply to me if I killed someone. I’ve noticed that I always seem to get caught doing whatever it was I did and that there was always a price to pay. It seems I’d get punished for the littlest things, like sending weird letters to old enemies. Whereas, if someone else does worse, no problem. It seems it never comes back to them and that if they’re found to do whatever, there’s no price to pay.

I could flip someone off or call the guy next door a racial slur and I’d have to pay for it by having rotten luck for a while. Someone else, though, may win at least $50 in the lottery, have awesome sex, meet nice new friends, get a job promotion, etc.

Anyway, I still feel that when he started cumming, God sacrificed me by having me gain weight, and that’s also part of my punishment for wishing against him. As if not getting the kid wasn’t enough? It’s a hell of a coincidence that I’ve gained this weight and can’t fit into most of my clothes, anymore, since he’s been cumming. It’s worth it, though, and I did tell God I’d take some other bullshit if he’d let him be able or willing to cum. I don’t think the weight thing’s fair, though. I mean, that’s not a nice thing to do to someone you’ve sterilized. I thought the sterilization was gonna be the only compensation. At least I’ve been steadily weighing 102 and not jumping up to 104 or higher on a regular basis, but time will tell where it’s gonna go. Well, as much as I worry about my weight, I understand that being pregnant and being a mom means being fat and I’d think that God knows that to me, that’s a worthy cause.

Later…

I just looked back to when I had that spotting spell and it said that I had no water bloating or pre-cramps and that all I had was slightly sore tits. Well, if that’s the way my body has got to be beforehand, and if I’d believe his getting off on the 3rd could’ve done anything, I wouldn’t think so after reading that. I don’t have pre-cramps yet, but my tits are sore and I’ve got plenty of bloating.

I was right on the timing of the weight gain, too. It seems I said something about being 104 for the first time in a while. This was last August. The time before that which I mention being 104 was September of ‘95.

Maybe another reason God sterilized me was due to his wanting me to keep connected to my family for some reason, cuz I’m still pretty sure that if I had gotten pregnant, I’d have ditched them for being so negative and trying to make me feel like an incompetent, undeserving fool. This seems unlikely, though, so I still think it could be a combination curse and a protection thing. He obviously wants me to live. I can see that after coming so close to death a few times. After a few times of that, it does make you wonder. What have I felt about that? I guess I’ve always felt that he wanted me to live to experience both good things and take punishments.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1996
I have to get Tom up in 20 minutes. Once again, I guess he really doesn’t mind being tired, since he’s still staying up later and only getting 6-7 hours of sleep.

He left me a message saying he’s seen that van next door when it was vacant over there. That’s true. I remember seeing it too, so who knows what it could be?

I was amazed at the accuracy of yesterday’s horoscope from AOL. I had the emotional tension, the headache, and the upset stomach they mentioned. They were wrong about having lots of guests over for today, though, of course. It seems they give horoscopes a week at a time. I hope they’re wrong about this Saturday when they tell me to be more tolerant of children. I hope this doesn’t mean there’s gonna be kids next door this weekend playing ball. So far, it seems that they’re accurate on the negative stuff they predict, but not the positive.

I wonder if Tom will initiate sex this morning or if he really does want to give up this job for himself or for me, sensing that I think it’s a waste of time that causes problems, anyway? Well, I’m semi-horny, so either way is OK, but if he doesn’t hit me for sex, I guess I can take that as a sign that he, too, quit the job. So, I guess you could say this means that I hope he doesn’t touch me.

I just don’t want any trouble. And I want to start fresh in life with no dreams and no goals. It’s so much easier to have less than you really want to have or to do. For some people, life is what they make it. For me, life is what God makes it and I have to accept that and live with it if I want to be happier.

Later…

Tom did exactly what I figured he’d do. He told me this morning he wanted to take a day off from our job. Of course, I know that means more like a week. I’ll bet you he won’t start up sex again till I get out of the time frame where it’s more likely to conceive. Like when I’m a week away from my period. And yes, I can’t help but feel and believe that he’s punishing me.

This morning he told me he has choices (about a kid). If he has choices, then why haven’t we had a kid? He also told me that someday I’ll see that this sadness and my being upset and angry and having all these bad emotions will be unfounded and that I’ll be happy and life will be full of wonderful things. If this is true, I can’t wait! I hate feeling this way and I certainly wouldn’t recommend it to anyone. I’m sick of feeling this way. This still seems too good to be true, as much as I wish it could be. It sounds too much like a fantasy, but maybe, just maybe, someday sooner than I think, I won’t feel the way I do about not having a kid and can be happy with the way things are, but I feel that I’ll be where I knew I’d be a year ago and that is right where I am now. The only thing I was wrong about was his cumming. In a year from now, I think he’ll still be cumming about 2-3 times a month, we may have some more household gadgets and items, but that’s it. I’ll be doing the same things I’m doing now and no more or less of them.

If he’s right, though, what are all the wonderful things gonna be that we’re gonna be doing and why would they make me so happy? What could be so wonderful? More wonderful than a child? What could I want more than a child? If he’s right, I’d say that the only reason I’d suddenly be so happy is cuz I stopped wanting a kid and found something just as good, if not better, that God finally gave in to and allowed me to have.

Well, like I told Tom. At least I do have some blessings and no day could be as bad as it was in the past.

He also told me that, not with all women, but with me, my emotional state plays a role in me physically. So, we know I didn’t get pregnant on the 3rd, but for different reasons. I know I’m not cuz it wasn’t meant to be. He knows I’m not cuz my emotional state wasn’t good, and he says that it’s always been that way for me that when I’m emotionally upset, it disrupts my body’s natural functions. You mean all I have to do to get a kid is get happy? I don’t think so. Fate is fate and we kind of disagree on what the word fate means. I believe fate means what’s meant to be and what isn’t meant to be and that sometimes we know our fate and sometimes we don’t. He believes the first part of it, that fate is what is and what isn’t meant to be, but that no one can know what’s meant to be and not meant to be in the future. That’s the part we disagree on. I don’t know where it’s meant to be for us to live whenever we move, but I know it’s not meant to be for us to have a kid.

I believe that if a kid is really that meant to be for a woman, she could use any kind of birth control and God will make sure it doesn’t work when she’s ovulating. And if it’s not meant to be for someone, they can screw 5 times a day and it won’t happen and a doctor wouldn’t be able to help.

More and more I believe that our case isn’t that of it not being the right time yet. I know that’s not it cuz if it were really meant to be, I’d have conceived the first time he got off. Maybe even before, by having one get away. Yes, all things are possible with God, so if he was really on our side, and would let us have a kid, he’d have let one make it up there long before he started cumming.

Another thing Tom did that I felt sure he would, was agree to his being the one to decide when we have sex again and how frequently.

I let him know, on the voicemail, that I didn’t want this to influence his decision and that I’d like for him to have a mind of his own and that I’ll go along with whatever he decides, like it or not, but that in a way I miss our job. I think that for the most part, it was fun for both of us and an extra responsibility for me, and he had so much confidence in the job paying off in time. I also told him I don’t know if throwing the job away would really make us happier or not, and that I know he doesn’t believe this, but maybe a person should call it quits on certain things. At least for a while, anyway.

Still, I know we must do what’s best. I must follow my head, not my heart and stop trying for the impossible. Going back to having sex once a week or so, may not make me as happy, but it’s the best thing to do and the right thing to do.

Now, here’s something that really does piss me off. All day yesterday I weighed 104 pounds and ate very, very little. Then when I woke up I weighed 102 and what did I get from having just 15 bites of mashed potatoes? I got to go back up to 104. See? No one’s body does this without a very, very slow metabolism.

Later…

I heard the freeloaders do something rather weird at about 7:35 this morning, though it was without any music. I could’ve sworn I heard him get into the jeep and start the motor but then I heard no more. A couple of hours later, I checked and the jeep was still there. I haven’t heard him leave yet. Nope, I take that back. I heard about 3 car doors from over there and about 3 beats of music at a very reasonable volume that I could barely hear, and he’s gone now.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 1996
Well, the hopeful news is that my temperature is still 98.9, but then there’s Tom and God. Will Tom cum? Will God change his mind and let us have a child? The idea of it seems too good to be true, so right now, I’m trying really damn hard not to get my hopes up and to expect things to not go my way. When it really matters to me and concerns things I want really bad, they never do go my way, so what else is new? I have to keep telling myself the truth - I’m not gonna get pregnant. I’m gonna get my period in a couple of weeks.

Tom did exactly what I thought he’d do. See? There is a pattern with him and I realize I called him a liar for nothing and that he does want a kid. However, there’s no hurry in his mind, either, so I believe he still wants to “play around” with me a little longer. In his mind, once I get pregnant, he can’t go back to playing with me on the issue, so now’s his chance to get a few more months of doing so.

On Tuesday, he promised me he’d catch up on his sleep for this morning. That would mean going to bed last night early, but what did he do? He left a message around 9 last night saying he was fiddling with the TV reception, but that he’d been dozing off here and there, then was going to bed. Then at 10:30, he left a message saying he had to get back out of bed to tell me about the groceries he bought, then was gonna go back to bed and I could get him up at 5:00. He sounded fairly awake when he left the messages and you know what I think? I think he deliberately stayed up till 10:30, never did doze off, and wants to be exhausted so he can’t cum. God, I hope I’m wrong, but I really do believe I know better. I see the pattern here and I think it’ll give him great pleasure to see me bummed at his not getting off in the morning and I’m almost positive he won’t seem the least bit bummed about it. I hope I’m wrong about his wanting a few more months or so to play with me and right about feeling he’ll stop this once he’s had his fill of it.

I also think there’s a chance that he could be reading my computer journals and taking advantage of my feelings and suspicions, but that’s not gonna stop me from saying what I’ve got to say. Not in my written journals and not on the computer.

Maybe what he’s doing, if I really am right with what my gut tells me, is more subconscious. Perhaps before last July he both consciously and subconsciously didn’t want a kid and now he consciously does, but subconsciously he’s not quite ready yet.

Except for the things I need that are really important (thank God), he does seem to enjoy playing around with the things that I’d like. For example, he’ll do anything to make sure I have food and proper medical attention. And to keep me safe and away from spiders and shit like that that I don’t exactly like, like a caring, loving guy. But when it comes to putting stuff back the way I’ve placed it and stuff I ask him to do concerning crumbs on the chair and where he puts his mail, he may as well tell me to fuck off. I told him that if he told me he is obsessed with me picking up after him and replacing stuff after him, fine. I’ll do so and that’d be perfectly OK, but he denies he isn’t deliberately doing this and that he tries oh so hard. Then why is it that after each time he says he’s gonna try harder, more stuff is misplaced?

I just hope that together, we can stick to the stuff we start. That means the kid, finishing the back room, the yard, and the patio. And I hate it when he says he’s gonna do something he never does. He said he’d clean the oven. Right!

A couple of months ago I said I was anxious to get the sound blocks done cuz cooler weather means more street people. I told myself I shouldn’t have said that so firmly, cuz I had a feeling he’d take advantage of that and so far, all he is is talk and no action with the blocks. Was it worth his spending the money on the stuff for it just to stall on it for this long and play with me on it? I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t finish the blocks till May.

All I can do is hope to hell I come back here after he’s gone to work and say that I was dead wrong and that he got off just fine, but most of my feelings about when he’ll get off are right, so for me to be wrong now at this time of month, does seem way too good to be true, even though I know it won’t make a baby.

Here’s another example of something I figured he’d do that he did do. I left a message for him before I went to bed yesterday, asking him to tell me what he thought about my throwing myself on a liquid diet if I were to hit 108 pounds. I figured he’d either say nothing about it or tell me we’ll discuss it live. Well, I was right. He said we’d discuss it live.

Later…

Well, I hope my horoscope is wrong. I checked mine and his on AOL and they say emotional tension is a threat for me today and Tom’s got something troubling him and he’s obsessive in love and domineering. Two days from now they say my dream is quite possible. Right!

Later…

Well, I was right. Tom and God did just what I knew they’d do. I hate God! Oh, I just hate him with a passion!

Just as I knew, he was dead tired when he got up and then he really pissed me off by saying I make a big deal of the TV reception and he knew I wanted to see the movies I asked him to record. First of all, I didn’t make a big deal of it when I left a message. I told him not to worry about it if he couldn’t record the shows I wanted to see. I never told him it meant so much to me (more than trying to make a kid) that he had to stay up that late to take care of it.

So, afterward, I told him that if he wasn’t mad at me, my temperature was up and I’d like to go plant a seed, rather than argue. I know I saw a grin on his face as he said, “OK,” that was rather “mischievous.”

I got off and true to my belief, he didn’t. Yes, I felt like he was holding back, too.

So, after sex, I told him I thought he wanted and planned to be tired and that he may have a subconscious thing saying he doesn’t want a kid half as much as I do and that as far as God’s concerned, I don’t have a full bag of rights and benefits as a woman that Tom says I do. I should’ve kept my fucking mouth shut, cuz all my telling him of how I felt did was piss him off. He said what I said was really cruel. I should’ve just kept my opinions and suspicions to myself. Saying how I feel couldn’t change it, anyway.

I think, though, that most of this is definitely due to God. I’m sure he’s up there right now smiling and getting a real fucking kick out of this. It’s like he just has to come between us. I know what God’s doing, too. He and I both know I’m sterile, but I’ve never “seen” it so to speak. Well, I really want to hurry up and see it and have my husband see it, so we can move on, but no, God’s gonna take his sweet time so he can play with my head before sending the final blow my way.

Then Tom went on to say that there’s no magical time for a woman to conceive. Yeah, I know, but if God were out of the way, I really think that today and yesterday would’ve been more likely due to the higher temperature and the light cramps. I wouldn’t be surprised if God had us hit it too early and too late for another year. Then, Tom will cum more and we’ll have to have known we had to have hit it right and then it’ll become totally obvious to Tom who’s right. If the right times are around mid-cycle, and not precisely at mid-cycle, then I really am sterile, cuz according to what I’ve read, his getting off a few days ago should’ve done it.

He keeps insisting I was wrong about saying he’d never cum and wrong about saying I’d never be pregnant. Well, I was wrong about the cumming part, but I haven’t been wrong about the pregnancy part, now have I? If I’m ever pregnant, then I’ll take back all I’ve said about it, but until then, what can I think? I don’t think any of the shit that’s gone on is a coincidence. The only reason for his not cumming (regardless of what was going through his mind) was for God to tease me with that. Now to not get pregnant, and then to see that I was right all along about my gut feeling. There were always 3 steps to this little game of God’s. 1. Dealing with his not cumming. 2. Not getting pregnant when he does cum. 3. Seeing my worst fear of sterility be proven to be true. That’s all that’s been going on here and will be going on here and I’ll bet my weight gain is my punishment for trying to “disobey” God.

I really want to just quit this so-called job. I think it’s just gonna cause more and more problems if we go on with it. More suspicions about Tom that may or may not be true and more trouble from God. If I just give in to God and avoid sex during the more likely times a woman can conceive, then I won’t have to be suspicious or paranoid about Tom, and I won’t be fighting God or letting him get to step 3. I think Tom and I should just have sex for fun.

For the first time in a while, I had another baby dream, but I know it doesn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean anything like the Arizona and money dreams did.

When I asked him what he thought about my hitting 108 pounds and liquidating myself he said I should do whatever makes me happy. He couldn’t have said that in the message he left? See? This continues my belief that he wants to instill patience in me. He really seems to enjoy making me wait on just about everything unless it’s something I really need. Well, at least he doesn’t make me wait on the things I need. I’m grateful for that, cuz most people would make people wait for things they need.

I’m sorry I hurt Tom and angered him, but if I’m wrong about what I suspect of him, then why is it that he does almost everything I do suspect of him? This is why I can’t help feeling the way I do. I don’t want to hurt him, I don’t want to piss him off and I want to be dead wrong, but I haven’t been yet.

At just after 7:30, I heard about 3 seconds of a car stereo, but I couldn’t tell where it was coming from.

President Clinton was re-elected. Let me guess, he promised to fight for gay rights but is full of shit just like last time?

The scale says 104 and I have a feeling I’d better enjoy seeing that number, cuz 106 is gonna be more and more of a regular number. That’s how it usually works.

Later…

Tom says they recently cashed the check we sent in for those puzzles. It’s about time, too.

We also had to get 3 more CDs as part of our membership agreement with Columbia House. He didn’t want any, so I picked out The Emotions, The Spinners, and Madonna’s extended dance mixes of previous hits.

Last night I made smaller beef ribs that Tom got. The sauce I made came out great again, but the ribs were horrible. One bite and I was mortified, and so was he. It tasted like lamb, which I’ve come to hate. He says there may have been something wrong with it. We hated to waste it, but we dumped it as neither of us could’ve eaten that shit if we were paid.

Oh, brother! Our lovely neighbor’s jeep is next door, so I’ll expect to hear him go blasting out any time now.

Later…

Well, the freeloaders just left. I don’t think what I heard would’ve woken me up, but it was still pretty rude, selfish, and obnoxious.

Holy shit, though! I was completely right just now about something else I suspected. I said to myself, “How much you wanna bet that your temperature’s down now since you already know for a fact that once again, God wouldn’t have a change of heart and let you hit it right.” Sure enough, it’s just below normal. That little fuck! Yeah, I made his day, though, didn’t I? The fucker must be so damn psyched. That controlling, cruel, unfair sicko! Yes, the vision of the period I’ll get in a couple of weeks is growing clearer by the moment. God will never let us hit it right, even if there is no hitting it right for me, till he wants me to enter step 3. I wonder when that’ll be? I guess it’ll be in a year or two. This is so cruel of him to not let Tom be able to see that I am sterile so we can both move on. How can a God be so sick as to torture my mind, body and soul like this? When’s this shit gonna stop? When is he ever gonna just leave me the fuck alone? Can’t he just let it become evident that I’m sterile, let us move on and let me live out my true destiny with no hard feelings? And not give me something else I want as bad that I can’t have. I swear, it’s like everyone has a storyline. Something that’s literally the story of their lives and mine’s definitely wanting the impossible. I’m so sick of feeling like a half-woman, too.

I can’t help myself and no one else can help me, so when and how am I ever gonna get off this baby trip and just let it go?! Like I said, it’s the same fucking thing as with the woman and the singing and other stuff and I’m so sick of this same old bullshit pattern! I guess it’s just a matter of time just like it was with other stuff in the past.

I’m so fucking mad right now! At first I was sadder about this fucking bullshit, but now it’s pissing me off like never before. I’m so mad right now that if you put that ass or someone else I’ve never been particularly fond of in this room right now, I’d probably either kill them or seriously disable them.

I’m just so fucking fed up, so pissed, and I’m so fucking sick of God controlling my life, my body, my mind, my soul and almost my whole goddamn fucking life. If it’s not God’s doing and is something else, be it a devil, or an ancestor, I just wish they’d leave me the fuck alone! I’m not gonna take this fucking shit, anymore. I mean it. I may never be able to take control over my life, but by God, I’m so fucking sick of this fucking mother-fucking shit that I’ve never thought so seriously about going the other way. That means that I’ll just be on the side of whatever the fuck’s fucking with me. I’ll help make sure, too, that I don’t get pregnant (no problem! Huh?). Then I’ll take control of what’s left of my life and I’ll do something with it. I’ll get some kind of job and just go with it and fuck Tom’s belief that it’ll aggravate the situation. Oh yeah? Well, like I said, this is a no-win situation, but I refuse as of this day to let it rule and ruin my life. I’ve had it. OK, God, or whoever the fuck you are? You ought to be really proud of me, cuz I’m gonna make real damn sure that I help you out.

Later…

Last night I kind of made up my mind to quit watching TV. That way I wouldn’t have to worry about it being hit or miss as far as the reception goes and it’s always the same bullshit on TV, anyway. Guess I’m not so tolerant of repetition myself. However, I really like to sit in front of the tube when I’m eating popcorn, so I turned it on and the first thing I hear is, “With God, anything is possible.”

So, naturally, I started to change the channel, and then I said, “No this is what God wants. Just listen to it and deal with it.”

Maybe if I not only stop fighting whatever’s ruling me and stop hating it, things will get better and I may come to live a lot easier with my built-in birth control system. Maybe I’ll even come to enjoy it and find all kinds of blessings in it that I’ll really appreciate.

Anyway, this half-woman is gonna go make a doggie mug.

Later…

The phone just rang and I thought it’d be Andy. This is the time he usually calls and he likes to go on and on. I didn’t feel like playing phone today, anyway, but it turned out that Tom left a message. He wanted to know if I was OK and that we didn’t exactly start the day off well. I left him a message letting him know I was fine and that I didn’t want to deal with it anymore. It’s too old. I also told him, that it’s strictly up to him, but I really just want to have sex for fun. I still don’t think this job will produce a kid and I believe it’ll just cause more problems.

I meant it when I said my days of fighting God are over. No more. No more fighting losing battles and trying to change destiny. Anyway, I’m sure Tom will agree with me. Then again, maybe not. We’ll see. Once again, I think he’ll say he disagrees with me, but we should do whatever makes me happy. Well, we can’t do whatever makes me happy, so we’ll do what’s right and what’s our only choice.

It felt like my tooth was bleeding, but I’m not sure. Right in between the impacted tooth and the one that’s been in front of it felt like it could’ve been bleeding, but after I swabbed at it with a Q-tip, I don’t know. There wasn’t any blood on it.

Later…

There’s a city van next door right now that says, ‘Neighborhood Improvement & Housing.’ So, I called information to get their number and if the woman knew what she was saying, she says it’s some kind of inspection thing. Whether you rent or own, you can complain to them about something inside your house, or if another house is an eyesore, you can bitch about that to them. I’ve seen this van there a few other times, so I’d say that if this isn’t some friend of theirs, they either have a problem within their house or someone else’s. My guess is it’d be next door’s dogs if it were someone else’s, cuz our place isn’t an eyesore and we haven’t done anything to violate zoning laws. I don’t see how they can sleep with those dogs. The Ms could, cuz their own dog did the same thing and they had a house full of kids screaming day in and day out.

I still have a feeling that they may move between December and February. Especially now that I see this van. It tells me that if it isn’t a friend who’s come to see them, they’re not happy here.

I just jumped up to check and that van’s gone now. It was there about 45 minutes, so this tells me it’s less likely to be a problem within their house, cuz why would it take that long to point the problem out? I think it’s either a friend or they were there long enough to hear those two dogs in their bedrooms only a few feet away. If they’re complaining about the dogs, good luck to them cuz they’ll never succeed in getting any results. Anyone that can let their dogs go on and on like that obviously doesn’t give a shit about their neighbors. All the more so with that letter they got about it and all the more so that they couldn’t care less about the dogs. Anyone who leaves their dogs out 24/7 and isn’t afraid to protect them and shut them up and bring them inside after getting a letter about someone possibly shooting them doesn’t care. I’m sure they said to themselves, “Who gives a fuck about the neighbors? Let them shoot the dogs. We’ll just replace them.”

I left Tom a message about the van and I also erased the one where I said I just wanted to have sex for fun, cuz I already did make myself clear on that this morning and I think he realizes that this may be best, even though he did say something about giving it time to work without blaming him for stuff that he isn’t doing. Well, I’m not worried about it, after all, cuz I don’t think he’ll be initiating sex anymore on a daily basis. Also, it can’t hurt to have fun occasionally or frequently, cuz like I said, I’m not gonna try to fight fate and I know damn well that I can’t fight fate, anyway.

Later…

Well, I guess my mother figures for sure I sent the letter, can’t take a joke and decided not to send those household items. If it were just up to her, though, she may send the letter back, with or without the stuff she’s got, and write her famous “grow up” across the letter. If it were up to Dad alone, he may send a quick note with the same mumbo jumbo back.

Right now, I smell the faint odor of smoke. I hope it’s only the sulfur from the matches I’ve been using.

Right now, I’m also doing one of my favorite things to do and that’s wondering. I wonder when this baby bullshit will be over in the way that I can live more easily without the bad emotions I’ve been having and when Tom will get off his we’re gonna have a kid trip? They say that anger comes after depression when it comes to major issues in a person’s life and that this is a sign of transition that turns into being able to live with whatever the problem was or is. I hope so! I’m gonna work really hard, like never before, to go along with fate/God and quit dreaming impossible dreams. It’s time to move on.

I also wonder what is the date that next door does move? What will the new neighbors be like? How many dogs and kids will they have? Will they blast their car stereo, too? And what will the neighbors after them be all about? And after them?

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 1996
Boy did I sleep a long time! Nearly 10 hours. I hope Tom’s not bumming too much over the fact that I was unavailable last night for our job. Tomorrow I should be mid-cycle.

Another way I know I didn’t get pregnant is cuz my temperature was below normal. It’s hard for me to sense something coming that I don’t believe is possible, but I also hear women commonly sense it when they first get pregnant. I see my late November period as clear as can be. It’s inevitable and guaranteed. Plus, like I said, my periods love me too much to take a break from coming around for a while.

Last night I renewed our library books. It’s so cool, too, to be able to do that by phone. All you do is punch in the barcode number on the library card, then the barcode numbers on the books we want to renew.

Later…

Tom left a message for me at 9 something last night. He said to wake him up between 4:00-4:30. I’m approaching mid-cycle now, so now’s when I wouldn’t be surprised if he made sure he was tired. And that he didn’t cum. I still feel he’s readier for a kid now, but would prefer to keep it going without one for at least 6 more months. I think that more pay and Evie having hers first will do it. Within a year, he should start seeing how obvious my sterility is. Once again, any normal woman who had a guy get off in her when I did a couple of days ago should be pregnant, but I didn’t get pregnant.

The TV reception’s getting worse and worse and I suppose that’s mainly due to Robin cuz I continue to ignore her.

I only God doesn’t make my soreness down there turn painful and that he doesn’t do anything else to either one of us cuz of our trying and hoping to fight him. I believe he should know, though, that it’s a fight we could never win.

Upon proofreading my journals, I came across a couple of funny things I’d forgotten all about.

When Tom and I first met, he said the following two things were sure to happen.

That I’d fall in love with a woman and would have to choose between her and him.

Now this is crazy since I could never love a woman who loved me too, and why would I want to give up Tom when I have everything I need and want here with him?

Also, he’s sure I’ll make the same amount of money he does or more, then take the money and run and he says he still believes this.

Well, I guess he doesn’t know me that well as I’d rather be dirt poor with him, than rich and without him.

In a few minutes, I’m gonna get Tom up and maybe we’ll have sex this morning, but I can almost bet he won’t cum.

Later…

Well, we won’t be having any sex at all this morning as Tom’s as exhausted as I figured he’d be. He says, though, that tonight he’s gonna catch up on his sleep so we can reinforce the fishies from a couple of days ago. This sounds too good to be true, but hopefully, it will come true. For once.

This is getting ridiculous. What could cause my metabolism to become deathly slow? It’s like it’s quit on me and has come to a complete halt. When a person wakes up, they’re almost always 2-3 pounds lighter. You usually weigh more at the end of the day. Well, I went to bed at 104, slept 10 hours, then woke up at 104. Then, after a TV dinner and a granola bar, I weighed 106. What the fuck?! And I’ve been exercising here and there too, so I give up. I’ll bet you I could go 24/48 hours with no food and still weigh the same.

Later…

Tom liked my new sound bytes. I reversed the one where Nervous says, “Young boy, what the fuck?” And the one where Andy says, “Did Judy untie you?” And Stacey responds, “OK, Mark.” Then I laugh like crazy. Yup, the sound recorder’s pretty cool.

Tom says he didn’t hear anything next door last night but saw lights on over there. It sounds like she and the kid are there. I really hope there’s a case going on of her and Mike breaking up or just not getting along very well at all. Maybe something really has come up causing him to be gone more and that explains the vibe I had.

Well, I’m gonna go now and work on Andy’s journal and do some proofreading.

Later…

Yesterday I got a letter from Bob. My parents are very lucky he doesn’t write to them regularly. Now here’s a guy who repeats the same few things year after year. His love for Kim, sex, and how he wants to get out of there. He’s always in the same old rut. At least there’s variety to my reps and while I may be stuck in a rut myself, they do change every few years.

I expect to stop crying out for the kid I can never have any time now, only to be crying out for something else I can never have.

Bob also said some weird thing about not being able to write much cuz he was caught shaving his hair off with a razor and cutting up his hand. Brilliant. Really brilliant.

Well, he won’t be hearing from me. He’s lost me as a friend as he was never a true friend to me.

I wonder which one will be the case for tomorrow - will he knowingly not cum, or will he have a subconscious block about having a kid that’ll stop him? I guess it’ll depend on how bummed out about it he’ll seem after not cumming.

Later…

I’m almost sure I’m ovulating right now. I took my temperature yesterday cuz I was curious and it was too low, but today it’s 98.9. Also, I have light cramps here and there and that’s also supposed to be a sign of ovulation. The goddamn, bummer of it is that it’s nice to know I probably ovulate enough times, but there’s not a damn thing I can do about it. Meaning, it was too soon when he got off a couple of days ago and if he gets off tomorrow morning, it’ll be too late. If only I could know that there was some live sperm leftover in me from 2 days ago and it’s now fertilizing that egg, or that tomorrow it would hook. Well, sperm can live in a woman for up to 3 days, but not usually. I’d say that almost all the sperm he deposited in there died a few hours later, so if there are a few live ones left now, and I doubt it, it wouldn’t do me any good. By tomorrow I know it’ll be too late. If my body can go from a low temperature with no cramps to a higher temperature and cramps in less than 24 hours, it’s gonna wing back the other way around in less than 24 hours, so by tomorrow (if he cums), the egg will be too far down the line for it to be picked back up with a sperm hooked to it.

Once again, this is no coincidence. I’m right where God wants me to be. Unless he makes sure something comes up where I have something obviously wrong with me down there, or a doctor tells me I’m sterile to my face, he’s gonna always make sure we’re too early or too late.

Later…

Wait a minute now. I was right when I said earlier that if I wasn’t pregnant by Tom’s getting off a couple of days ago, something would definitely be wrong with me. After looking in the encyclopedia, it’s highly probable for a woman to conceive 3-5 days of the month. The days right before, during, and after ovulation. Yeah, I think I remember hearing that. So yes, if I didn’t conceive anywhere from 2 days ago to right about now, I am definitely as sterile as I always thought I was. If I’ve got this right, I began ovulating around 9 AM this morning and it was about 34 hours ago that he got off in me, so if I were normal and if God weren’t messing with me, there’s no reason whatsoever that there shouldn’t still be enough live sperm in me right now to hit that egg. And also, pretending he didn’t get off 34 hours ago, if he got off tomorrow morning, that alone should definitely do it. Something better do it cuz there’s no way he’s gonna get off every day. I just can’t see that even in a younger guy.

Oh, what am I doing this for? It doesn’t matter when he gets off. God’s never gonna let me have a child. I know it and I’ve always known it. I can’t help but wish and hope and dream, though, even if it’s a foolish waste of time. I’m like, please let there be enough live sperm in there now. Please, go get that egg! If not, please let him cum tomorrow and get an egg! The odds of him cumming tomorrow, though, don’t seem very high. He seems to need more time in between to “build up.” This is why it seems impossible for him to get to the point where he can cum daily.

It’s really weird because right now my body feels totally like it’s PMSing. I’m so fucking bloated and my tits are even a bit sore.

You see, I still think I was right and wrong. I was right about his sperm not being able to impregnate me, but I think it fouled my body up. I’m sure I don’t have any kind of infection, but it seems like my weight’s been thrown off and I’ve been way waterier since he started cumming. Before he started cumming, I’d lose the water and then weigh around 99 after my period. Now I don’t. I stay watery and bloated and weigh over 100 like I do before my period. I miss my thin days and I have a hell of a feeling that those days are history.

I try to look at it as a favor from God and not a punishment. How would I handle the lack of sleep and having it? How could I handle being a mother? What would it do to our relationship? Perhaps I’m stubborn and selfish cuz even though I worry and wonder about these things, I still wish we could have a child. Oh, how I wish it!

How can God think I’m not a bad enough person to qualify for it, yet hate me at the same time? Well, he obviously can and does.

I know I should go exercise and do something about this weight I’ve gained and quit dreaming of being one of those fat mamas, but I still feel it wouldn’t do me any good. When I gain weight, I gain weight, and there’s nothing I can do about it till it decides to come off, but I really think this is it. For a while, I couldn’t gain weight if I tried and now I won’t be able to lose weight if I tried. Anyone who goes with a few bites here and there and doesn’t lose weight or sleeps a long time and doesn’t eat for 10 hours to weigh the same, can’t lose weight. Maybe after starving for a few days, but I can’t get up the will to do so. For a while, there, I weighed 102 steadily, then 104 steadily. I wouldn’t be surprised if I weighed 106 regularly, then 108 and God knows how much my weight will go up. Why don’t I make a deal with myself right now? Reality-wise, I’ll never have a child. So, if that scale hits 108, I’m gonna just have liquids for 2-3 days to speed up my metabolism, no matter how hungry I am. It worked for me when I was heavy.

Later…

I just left Tom a message about the deal I made with myself to go on a 2-3-day liquid diet if I hit 108 and I asked to hear what he had to say about it. I’m pretty sure, though, that he would want me to do whatever made me happy. I’m really dead fucking serious when I say that I never have been this bloated, watery, and had tits this big. Even if I conceived when he came, there’s no way I could get this watery this fast, have my tits get sore, and gain 2 pounds. I think it’d take a week or so for the water weight to start building up slowly, then faster as the pregnancy advanced.

The good part of it is that there have been plenty of times when I’ve lost weight. Without even trying or dieting or changing any of my habits, it’s just happened. I’d like to think that it’ll happen, but I have a feeling stronger than ever, as I said before, that it won’t. Age may be a factor in it, too.

And lastly, there’s always the chance that there is something wrong with me, but wouldn’t I have some other symptoms to let me know?

I wonder if I’ll ever get that package from my folks? The one with those household items she said she had.

Will I ever get my puzzles? There was this deal for 21 puzzles that it seems that I should’ve gotten two months ago. Why can’t these puzzle people just receive the orders and send what was ordered? Why does it always have to be such a big deal? Do they deliberately hold off sending out stuff that was ordered for a few months?

This month we’re going to David and Evie’s for Thanksgiving. That sucks and I’m not looking forward to it at all. Their place is about 45 minutes away and I really hate family get-togethers, even if this is the coolest family in this world. Also, that rotten spoiled grandniece of mine who never shuts up ought to be there too, so I can get a major splitting headache. From what I’ve seen of Nickolena, she’s been pretty mellow. She sure as hell is compared to Jennifer.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 1996
I feel much, much better today. Tom got off big time last night. I think I was wrong in saying I was gonna be mid-cycle Tuesday, though. I think I will be on Wednesday. Anyway, I know we didn’t make a kid, but it was fun, anyway.

It’s nice to know that Tom got off at night and at an hour when he was somewhat tired. He was in the bathroom prior to sex, too. Just think of how lucky I’d be if I didn’t want a kid. I’d be able to tell myself, okay he came when I was so close to being mid-cycle yet I have nothing to worry about. Last month he came big time 10 days after my period and I didn’t get pregnant, so my being 11 days after my period, this time around, isn’t gonna make a difference. Then again, like I said, I don’t think it’d matter if he came twice per day before ovulation, the day of ovulation, or the day after ovulation.

I forgot to mention last night that Andy told me he had a nice chat with his mom. It was mainly about Quinn and his mom agrees with me. How can you love someone that treats you that way? So Andy told her I wanted to beat Quinn up and his mom said, “Well, you tell Jodi that she should beat you up for being dumb enough to suck up to a guy like that.”

Anyway, I think Andy’s just beginning to realize that this guy’s not worth the shit he has to deal with.

The library books are due today and I’m not done with one of them, so I’ll call the number they have for renewing books.

I have only two groups left to proofread and something like 10 journals left to proofread.

Tom explained to me the idea behind our daily screwing and it made much more sense to me. I thought he was trying to hit it right ASAP, as well as have fun. Well, this is true, but the main idea is to get him used to screwing every day, then cumming every day, then it won’t matter where I am in my cycle, cuz we’ll hit it right, anyway. Of course, I disagree. I don’t think we can “hit it right,” but this is fun, anyway, and I did always wish for the longest time that we could have sex more frequently. In fact, I’ve been teasing him by saying things I always used to say about wanting more sex.

The only thing he said that made me a bit angry and hurt was how he says I’m just as miserable now as I was before his days of cumming.

Bull. I mean, I’m upset at times that I can’t have a child, but I don’t think I’m nearly as miserable as I was before he wouldn’t cum. I’m surprised he hasn’t been able to see this and I thought he knew me better. I’ll just have to make sure I smile more to let him know that I’m not as miserable as I used to be.

He has this whiteboard with special markers you can use on it. You can erase it too, with an eraser that looks just like a chalkboard eraser. I’ve been writing funny stuff on it.

Later…

I was on the phone with Andy. I had tried to see if I could find Marla through the membership directory on AOL, but couldn’t find it.

Alex left a message. They got half an inch of snow in Vermont. He can have it!

I still have the soreness right at the tip of my opening down there, but I’m not gonna give in to it or give into God cuz I know he’s not too happy with what we’re doing. I only really feel it when Tom first goes in there, but it’s OK once he gets moving and in between sex. So far. If it acts up more, though, I’m still not gonna let it stop me from doing what I want to do.

No wonder it’s been so peaceful next door. The shithead isn’t even there. Tom says he’s seen the jeep there in the mornings, but when we went out a few hours ago there was no jeep.

We got Bill’s birthday card.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 1996
We just had sex and as I knew would be the case, only I got off. He was exhausted as I knew he’d be, but I still admire his persistence, regardless of how much of this is a joke. I reminded him that I offered to screw this morning and he said he was exhausted this morning, too. He still wants to keep going with this and he says, “I want to screw for 20 more days, 6 months, and 6 years. Then we’ll take 2 days off.”

Whatever, but it is fun, even if it’ll never produce a baby. I think the point he’s trying to make is that we can’t make a kid by trying, and maybe he figures that if he shows me this, I’ll get off his case.

I was on the phone earlier with Andy and Michelle and they’re gonna call me back soon.

I guess I didn’t mention my talk with Tammy, Bill, and the girls yet. Well, I talked to them all at 7:00 their time last night and she said it was 30° at the time! Bill also got on the phone to say hello to me. I couldn’t believe it as I’m not his favorite type of person. We were all teasing each other. Bill says Tammy beat him up into talking to me. Bill also said he wasn’t feeling too well and I let him and Tammy know that as long as Bill has her for a wife, he’ll never feel too well. It’s chats like this that make up for Tammy’s bullshit. Anyway, they’re all hanging in there. That’s all they can really do.

Later…

I talked to both Andy and Michelle earlier. It was a fun chat and I typed Michelle a 2-page wacky letter, since she’s into stuff like that, too.

I’ve been thinking and it’s getting me bummed out. Sometimes I’d just rather not face reality and now’s one of those times.

Remember that note I said I left last month telling Tom I’d be getting pregnant in November? Well, another reason why he could do this is to try to cover for how I’ve said and written that since I said that, he’ll veer the other way and make sure I’m wrong. I don’t know, though. He’s never veered the other way and proven me wrong when I’ve said I couldn’t ever conceive.

If only he could be at least 10 years younger during sex and like a typical male so he could get off more often. If I were OK and if God changed his mind, we have a much higher chance of hitting it right as far as the timing goes than we do of that and his getting off. We can hit the timing right all we want, but if he doesn’t cum, it doesn’t do us any good.

If only I could make myself detest the idea of a kid right now, now that I’m approaching mid-cycle. It’s when you don’t want to get pregnant that you do get pregnant. I don’t know, though, if that rule applies to me. I didn’t want to with Ron and I didn’t. I guess Murphy’s law doesn’t always apply to me and that God’s not totally unfair cuz there’s been several things that I didn’t want and that didn’t mean I got them just cuz I didn’t want them. It’s not that I have to worry about getting stuff I don’t want. It’s the worry over not getting stuff I do want.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 1996
Is this getting to be a real joke, or what? Tom says he’s way surer that this “job” will work, more than his being so sure I’d be pregnant last month. Well, when’s he gonna cum, then? He’s only been close and last night doesn’t really count. I’m getting a bit suspicious. Does he want a kid more than he did before he started cumming, but still not that much? Is he doing this just for show? To make it look like he’s that serious and is trying his hardest? I already know he does like to tease me to a degree about stuff that matters to me. Stuff like putting things out of position, etc. The other day I turned the fan on in the back room so I could write cuz he blasts the TV. He asked me if I had it on to circulate the air or to drown out sounds. I told him it was to drown out sounds and I know I saw I slight grin of amusement on his face. Then, I told him to try to be rested on the 4th and he asked why. I told him cuz that’s the day that counts and from the expression I saw on his face, forget it. He’ll never cum that day. I know that I shouldn’t worry about stuff like that for being the sterile woman that I am, but it’s just the principle of the point. I don’t like playing these kinds of games. They’re too old. I don’t need my own husband playing games with me on top of God. Besides, I see really good in 1-4-month chunks and I’m completely and totally sure I’ll get a period this month. I think I’m due on the 18th.

Even though this “job” is a complete waste of time, there’s plenty of good in it. It’s fun and at least I can’t say I feel like we’re not having enough sex. He does get close all the time and I don’t see how he can stand to be built up for so long. He’s gotta be relieving it in between.

Another thing that’s got me suspicious is the fact that he’s always in the bathroom before sex. I think it’s an ironic coincidence that he happens to have to go do his 20-minute number twos before sex.

This is what I think. While positioning may have been a hefty factor in his being able to cum, I still think he did hold back till last July, probably both consciously and subconsciously. Now he’s readier for a kid, but not totally ready. Just ready enough where he’d take it if it came, but would rather hold out here and there if he can and that shouldn’t be too hard for him. But meanwhile, if he lets himself cum here and there, he doesn’t have me on his case about doctors or doubly depressed and he can tease me with it and play some games till he gets totally sure and serious.

Since my bad PMS spell nearly two weeks ago, things have been running smoothly and my mood has been calm. There’s been a record-breaking amount of sex. Even next door’s been quieter. I only hope and pray this is no calm before a storm and that God doesn’t have a punishment awaiting me or us for trying to fight fate. I fear compensation for this and when God lays down his wrath and punishment, there’s no fighting back. There’s not a damn thing I can do about it, no matter what mood I’m in, no matter what I’m thinking, no matter what I say.

I do thank this God, though, for delivering me to the desert as much as he hates me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t appreciate Tom and my being able to live amongst the cactuses and the palm trees, but could God ever like me? I mean really, really like me? As much as he does murderers? Enough to bless me with a child? Now, that seems like a dream, but he decided after 26 years to give me a break, so we’ll see.

We went to Pet Smart earlier. They have so many nice cat mugs. There are about 30 of them I wish I could have. They also had some great puzzles. It’s a really nice store with lots of food, treats, toys and accessories for dogs, cats, birds, fish and rodents. Anyway, we got the pig and bun sawdust, pellets and some alfalfa cubes.

I got a letter from Kim, too. She didn’t say anything about trying to get out of Bob what this joke was we played on him that he’s supposed to have read. She also didn’t say anything about what she was planning to do with him. I somewhat thought in the back of my mind, and now I’m almost sure, she won’t dump him. In about another week or two he should be asking her where the hell I’ve been and why he hasn’t heard from me.

We also stopped at a hardware store and I couldn’t believe it! They had Queen Ann palm trees for sale for only $32. Usually, they’re over $100. They also had some cute cactus plants, including Prickly Pears, but we didn’t have the extra dough for plants, trees or mugs. I hope that for my birthday, my folks send me cash for some of this stuff, instead of a package of stuff. Most of the stuff they send is either useless or stuff I don’t really want, anyway.

Later…

Tom just got home from work. They had him make up the two days he was off during the week.

Before he was crying out for more sleep. Now that he’s had time lately to sleep more, he doesn’t. It’s almost like he wants to be tired. Too tired to cum. He’s now been up for nearly 18 hours but says a job’s still a job and we’re on for screwing tonight. Well, it’s a fun thing to do, but what a waste of time for him and for trying to make a kid. How much you wanna bet he won’t cum tonight? How much you wanna bet he won’t cum on Tuesday? I offered for us to have sex this morning, but he said, “No. I’ll let it build up for tonight.” He’s been letting it build up how many nights now?

I still get the feeling he’s trying to make a point here and I don’t think it’s anything I want to hear or have to deal with, but what else can I do?

At 9:20 I heard a really loud and bassy car stereo and I thought to myself, I knew the peace wouldn’t last long after they’d been doing so well. But it wasn’t them. It was that other neighborhood killer car stereo that goes by every now and then. The last time I heard it was at the same time of night, too, but this time it was going in the opposite direction. It’s an old brown junker car. Personally, I don’t think they’ve been next door lately. She has here and there, cuz Tom’s said he’s seen her, but maybe Mike and she aren’t doing so well or he has out-of-town business cuz it’s been over a week since I’ve heard a thing.

Tom’s eating now, so he’ll need a good hour to an hour and a half to digest, then he’ll be in the bathroom for a good 20 minutes, then we’ll screw to get me off, he’ll tell me he’ll be built up for one more night and this will go on for another week.

Although this has been fun, interesting and different, and although I do love sex and do want a child, I’ve learned something from this. Maybe I don’t love sex or want a kid as much as even I thought. After this, I may very well end up telling him that I just want to have sex for fun and forget about working on the kid for a while. There’s nothing to work on anyway and he still treats this as if there’s a choice and there’s not. When something’s not possible, it just isn’t possible and not all things become possible with time, either.

I guess he still hasn’t “adapted” to this new thing we’re doing, either, but not everyone can adapt to everything. Sadly, though, I still feel that my wonderful husband is teasing me and isn’t quite that ready for a kid yet. I wouldn’t be too shocked if he were to wait before stepping up his cumming action till after Evie had hers, figuring he could watch me be jealous and she and her family could still be number one within the family and get all the attention. Maybe he’s waiting for a higher-paying job, but who knows when the hell that’ll come? I just wish I knew for sure what was motivating him and why. Am I as wrong about my suspicions and theories as I was when I swore he’d never ever cum? Is there something more to this that I’m missing? I guess my analyzing this is a waste of time when fate is fate and God can’t be budged. I guess I can’t help it, though. I feel that analyzing stuff gives me something more to do and is good for me, too. Maybe if I had analyzed more things when I was younger like I do today, I could’ve avoided more problems with people and life itself. Instead, I was too positive and too trusting, believing in everything and everyone and that all was possible, only to get my heart broken.

Bunny sure is growing! Getting fatter and longer every day. Before we know it, she’ll make Piggy look as small as a gerbil or a hamster.

The proofreading is coming along OK. I now have something like 16 left to go.

As I’m sure I’ve mentioned, our computer monitor has been fucked up. The colors aren’t right and there are lines that appear across the screen. Usually, I have a white background with black window text, but I inverted it and it really wipes out the lines. I don’t prefer it this way, but at least it makes it look like at least the window’s normal. The border and the title bars are still screwy, but that doesn’t matter as much.

I’d assume that Kim mailed my folks their letter from MA. Kim said she would. I guess they’ve gotten it by now, so who knows how they took it? Unfortunately, I couldn’t be there to watch their reactions as they read it. I doubt I’ll get a call over it and I doubt they’ll ever even mention it, but we’ll see. Maybe Ma got pissed off and decided not to send that package of household items she said they have, but I doubt it. I’ve played similar jokes on them in the past and it never seemed to bother them.

I’ve got to figure out a way to de-duty the patio. Since Tom never gets things done when he says he’s gonna, there’ll be no patio left that’ll be visible by the time he does the yard and the patio. It’s just that the water from the hose is gonna be quite cold at this time of year and I have to wear my plastic sandals and kick the more stubborn duties off.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 1996
It was a very quiet Halloween around here last night. I only heard a few kids, but no one came to our door. We had the front light off. No outbursts from next door, either.

I made barbecued beef ribs all by myself after he went to bed and they came out great. Much better than the pork ribs and I’m not a sauce person, but my sauce was the best I ever tasted. I made it perfectly.

Great hair news, too. Tom mentioned seeing a commercial for something that’s supposed to repair split ends. I told him that as far as I always knew, you couldn’t mend split ends back together any more than you could with a nail that had been torn off. I agreed to try the stuff, anyway, and what a miracle! You put it on the ends of your hair when it’s damp and that’s what I did. Then, after it dried and I checked it out in the light, I expected to see no difference, but there was! I could find some splits, but I could also find lots of ends that weren’t split. Before it used to be that you had to look really hard to find an end that wasn’t split. I’d be lucky if I could find 3 ends that weren’t split in a rather large clump of hair. Now the only other unfortunate thing about my hair I have to deal with is how frizzy it is. Especially the parts that stem from the crown as that’s the driest part of the scalp. Hopefully, in time, this stuff will turn that frizz back into hair. I hate bushy, kinky-looking hair. If this stuff keeps on working well enough, it’s great to know that I don’t have to worry so much about the straightening iron killing it, since I can just bring it back to life with this stuff.

They’ve been having a Twin Peaks marathon for the last couple of days. All the episodes back to back. So I’ve been watching bits and pieces of that.

Our little job is going well enough. He got off, but in a very small dose and I got off just fine. I told him that if a couple wants what we want, does what we’re doing, and then ends up not succeeding, they’ve tried their hardest and have exhausted all their options. He says if a couple does this for 6 months, then they’ve tried their hardest and have exhausted all their options. Who in the hell could do that, though? I wonder if I could keep this job going for that long.

Well, that time I had that little mini miscarriage (and technically that’s just what it was) when I had that spotting, I had shit for PMS, so we’ll see. If the boobs are really sore and if there are enough pre-cramps, that’s the real sign. Anyone with sore enough boobs and pre-cramps is sure to be ragging.

The challenge is to get him off more often. If he got off more regularly, then who knows what might happen. That’s gonna be the ultimate key, though. Getting him off more regularly and at the right time. I think I’ll be mid-cycle on the 4th, so according to what I’ve heard, it’s to be more likely for anything to hook, if I’m OK and if God will allow it, between the 2nd and the 6th. When I’m 10-16 days after my period. Then again, it didn’t work for us when he injected me on the 10th, the 14th, and the 15th, so I still am really damn sure that no matter when we do it and no matter how much juice he squirts, it’s not gonna do us any good. I guess all I can do till I hit menopause is just enjoy and look forward to the times I’m right after my period. About a week and a half after my periods, my moods are so much more relaxed and happier. At these times I’m able to tell myself that yes, I want a child, but that just can’t be. And I can still function and get on with life. But before my period I feel like it’s the end of the world at times cuz I can’t have a child and it’s so much harder to function through all the anger, sadness, and frustration.

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Last updated June 15, 2024