September 1996 in 1990s

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 1996
We each made up a new game. His game is that he reads the Spanish movies that are listed, then I get to laugh at how he says the words, then interpret them for him.

I said I had a game for him, but who knows if he wants to do it, will have time, or will remember to do it, but he said he will do it with me. The object is to make up a profile of Norah since we don’t know squat about her and see who’s right, wrong or close.

This is what I say about Norah: She’s never been married, has no kids and has bisexual tendencies. She’s probably been with a few women but for a very short time. She prefers males, but once again, she doesn’t keep them for too long, cuz she’s a snob to him or he’s lazy or has some kind of problem with her. I think she lives in England and has a nice, average-sized condo or townhouse, if not a house. She’s the kind I wouldn’t want for a friend and who wouldn’t want to know me, as she’s too serious. She’s got no tolerance or empathy for people like Nervous, Fran or Ellie and acts like the so-called grown-up and mature type. She’s never been one for making prank phone calls. She probably smokes cigarettes, drinks occasionally, but doesn’t do drugs.

This is what Tom says about Norah: She was a spoiled rich kid who went into acting cuz she didn’t have to work. She probably has had 2-3 husbands and has one or two kids. Her first husband was probably a British director who got her the parts in some earlier mini-series she did in the 80s. She got divorced from that husband cuz she wanted to come to the States to try to make it big in the movies. She’s an average mother and person but is stuck on herself. She now lives who knows where and is living off of past jobs and off her husband, since her acting career has pretty much petered out. She may or may not have made prank phone calls, depending on where she’s lived.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 1996
When I got up on the 27th, my period started, naturally. It was just spots, but today it’s a full flow. I told Tom I seem to be back to normal, therefore, my body must’ve forgotten how to make this so-called baby. He said that that’s not true and that this is working out great cuz it’s a sign that my body can adapt quicker and better by the fact that it suddenly changed back, therefore, it can now make a baby. Whatever. He’s still 100% sure I’ll have no October period and that he can commit to that, but I don’t know if we do it enough to give him the chance to prove me wrong. He did mention us doing it more, so that’s nice. We’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

I haven’t been writing as much cuz I’m still working on the computer journal project. I’ve got them all squashed and I’ve fixed them all the way up to 36. Then, I decided to spell check and cap them all, so after I do that, I’ll just have to cap paragraphs and other things the dictionary may have missed or any typos and that’ll be it.

The doctor’s appointment went fine. He gave me a new inhaler to replace the Azmacort, saying they don’t make Azmacort anymore and this thing, Aerobid, works just like Azmacort does. The good thing about it is that I need only take 2-4 hits twice a day. Not 6 hits twice a day. I’ve got new prescriptions for that and the Proventil inhaler for a year.

After the doctor’s, we stopped off at Mom’s house for a little bit, then got something to eat at a fast-food drive-through, then came home.

Got a postcard from Alex who went to Sacramento. What an old ugly place Sacramento is.

Mom, Mary and Dave are going to San Diego from this Monday to Friday.

Tom worked on Mary’s car today and he got in a few hours after I got up and asked me how the new inhaler was. I told him I seemed hyper and he burst out laughing saying, “That’s like saying that the ocean seems wet.” In other words, I’m always hyper anyway.

I told him it’d cum in “Laurie H” to remember to double-check if car part stores really have the car parts they claim to have and he said, “I don’t want to cum in Laurie H, I want to cum in you.”

So, we talked, he took a shower, I gave him a massage, then he ate some toast and crashed.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 1996
I’m gonna go check out a movie in just a short while, but first, I’m happy to say that all my journals are squashed. All the ones up to 107, omitting any that aren’t on the computer if they’re letters or stories.

I can’t believe God didn’t give me my period yet! Well, I know he will. As busy as he is (doing unfair and wrong things), he could never forget my monthly periods. Watch. With my luck, I’ll get it as I’m out the door to see the doctor tomorrow.

Tom and I saw a really neat-looking lunar eclipse earlier. It’s supposed to be the last one of the millennium.

He also showed me a few new things to do for him on the computer to help him out. How to check the drives for errors and how to defragment the drives.

Remember how I said I put cat pictures on Kim’s ugly journal? Well, I removed those and put 158 little address label samples I got out of a catalog on it. It looks awesome.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 1996
The suggestion Tom made about a week ago that my good ear may be infected, does seem possible. I’ll ask the doctor to look at it when I see him on Friday for my refills. It’s been itchy. It’s weird how the bad ear was the culprit for a while and now it’s the good ear that bothers me. This explains why I’ve had dizzy spells, but I haven’t had any for a few days now, which is nice.

I wish I would get my period now and just get that over with as my tits are quite sore and I can’t even begin to describe how bloated I am. This 104-pound woman looks 125 pounds. My body should be back to normal now. It’ll stay this way for a while too, as long as he doesn’t touch me or get off more than once every week or two. Since he’s cum, I’ve learned just what my body does. True to my lifelong gut feeling, his cum can’t make me pregnant. All it can do is make my cycles screwy. Anyway, I know I can expect a full and normal period by the weekend for sure. In fact, I even told God just now that I know this is a trivial request and I know he’s busy, but coming from me of all people, I’m sure he’d have no problem whatsoever with starting my period now and would be delighted to do so, so I’ll be over the worst of the cramps when I have to go out Friday. Yes, asking him for periods is an easy prayer that’s sure to be granted with no problems at all.

Gloria’s concert sucked. She looked OK body and hair-wise, although her hair was a bit short. However, she looked so tired, much older, and I never heard her voice so strained and off-key before in my life. I was sitting there laughing at her, but at the same time, I felt both embarrassed for her and sorry for her. Andy’s gonna borrow the tape one of these days, but trust me, my niece Lisa and I would’ve made her look sick if we had been there singing with her.

Later…

Tom had a funny dream the other night. He dreamt he was walking down a road with his mother when suddenly, she turned into Dennis Rodman in drag. He’s a well-known basketball player. So, I’ve been teasing him and running around here saying that I had a dream he and I were walking down a road and he turned into a butch.

Anyway, as funny as that is, I’ve been pretty depressed these last few days. Been doing a good job holding it in, though, as I don’t want to get Tom all bummed out or have us end up arguing. Besides, I could discuss it till I was blue in the face and it’ll still never change things. So, I cry on and off and try to avoid thinking about certain things that pop into my head. The mind, though, is a very hard thing to control at times.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 1996
God, I hate you! I got up this morning and said to myself, maybe, just maybe, I can turn on a talk show while I’m waking up and it won’t be all about teen pregnancy and sickos getting pregnant for a change, just like 4 out 5 talk shows seem to be about these days. Sure enough, though, I had to hear about all kinds of teen pregnancies on one talk show. Then I go to change the channel and take a chance on another talk show and I had to hear all about a 13-year-old who got pregnant by her boyfriend’s father.

I swear, it’s like God’s rubbing in my face what I can’t have! Why must he tease, torture and taunt me like this? Now I can sort of relate to how my parents feel about my repetition. I can’t even turn on the fucking TV without hearing babies this and babies that and pregnant this and pregnant that. Almost every commercial is about being pregnant and having babies and so is almost every show. I’m sick of it! Like this makes it easier for me to have to deal with my never being able to have a kid? Enough is enough! It makes me sick! I’m almost afraid to turn the TV on these days. I’m tired of hearing about pregnant 12-year-olds on one channel, then flipping to the next to hear about the pregnant 15-year-old, then to the next to hear about the pregnant crack addict who’s broke, then to the next to hear about the pregnant Ku Klux Klan member, while I’m on the verge of getting my period any second here.

Later…

I just had to take a few minutes out there, cuz I just ended up bawling my eyes out. I picked up Piggy and went outside, as he makes me feel better. Also, I clipped his nails. I know I was at God’s mercy by crying like that. That’s just what he wants and I know he was up there laughing. I could feel such hate all around me. I tried to remind myself, hey, look. You need to deal with this. God’s never gonna change, he’s never gonna let you have any control over your life and that includes the right and choice to have a child, so just get over it. It sure is hard at times, though.

In a minute, I’m gonna jump in the shower. I suppose I should shave my legs. I guess Tom would like that better, but then again, he’s not gonna touch me, so I’ll do it tomorrow. Maybe this weekend he’ll touch me. If I behave. If I talk and act as he’d prefer. Last night he asked to be taken care of. So I played with his dick for a few minutes, then he wanted a back rub and said he was gonna go to sleep. I asked if he wanted me to finish taking care of him and he said no. Now, I know we all have our ways, quirks and feelings, but this still just seems so weird to me. I can’t imagine someone wanting to get all excited for nothing. I know that if he starts something with me, I expect him to finish it, or else I’ll be left horny and that’s no fun. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted me to get him going so he could finish off the job after I left the room. Even that seems weird to me too, cuz if I’m gonna get my own self off, I’m gonna get my own self started and not bother with anyone else being involved unless I want them involved from start to finish.

Later…

Took my shower and went through the mail. No goodies today. Just a flier for Tom and an NPN envelope for me.

The weather has really cooled down here. It’s breezy out there now and at around 10:30, it was even just a touch chilly. Around now, though, is when I wish this place would turn into Florida. Before we know it, the days will be chilly and the mornings and nights will be freezing.

It’s really cool to hear all my wind chimes going off. I’ve got so many now (7) that it’s hard to tell which one’s which.

I’ve got some good news which is gonna equal bad news, cuz it always does. Next door has been beyond too good to be true. I mean, they’ve been the best they’ve ever been. Not a sound. Not even music playing softly. It’s been this way ever since I mentioned that bad heart I’m supposed to have and that I got from my daddy, so I wish I’d thought of that piece of crock long ago.

I can’t see myself meant for heart problems and I sure as hell hope that God’s not gonna fuck with my heart now for lying about it. Especially since it’s an absolute no-no for me to do any wrong, big or small, and get away with it. It’s almost like he expects me to be perfect, while he denies me most things I want, takes just about total control over my life and God help me if I step out of line. Whereas others can get away with anything and have control over their own lives and get most of what they really want.

Anyway, since bad equals good and good equals bad, I wonder what he’s gonna do to replace their music? He’s gotta do something, so this means they’re either gonna start up again with the music or some other source of noise, or God will stick someone else’s shit on me.

The person who started the saying, “You can have anything you want in life if you work towards it,” really burns me up. This is so untrue in some cases.

Another thing that Andy said that’s supposed to be in the Bible is how God’s supposed to be a jealous God, wants to be loved and thought well of by as many people as possible. Well, if this is true, it can’t apply to me. If he wants it to apply to me, he’s gonna have to not only make some serious changes with me but with the world itself. If he stops this world’s unfairness and sickness and cruelty and allows more stable 30-year-olds to have kids, then yes, I’ll look at him in a much, much more positive light and I may even love him. I mean, come on. There have been wonderful and shocking things that really have happened to me that I never thought could or would happen and I’ve been made to eat my words, so why not a kid, too? What’s the big deal? What a stupid question, though. I know damn good and well what the big deal is.

If I can’t control my life, I wish I could at least have control over my own damn mind then. Then I wouldn’t want the things I want, since 99% of the things I want are impossible and 75% of them would take forever to achieve.

Well, since I don’t care to turn on the TV to hear all about babies and the wrong kinds of people getting pregnant, I think I’ll go work on squashing and fixing up journals on the computer. I’ve got up to 55 squashed and up to 23 fixed, so that’ll be what I’ll go continue working on now.

Later…

I’ve had enough writing for now, so I’ll just quickly say that we went to the library and Gloria’s concert on HBO sucked, but I’ll expand later.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 1996
Got some cat and dog stickers from the ASPCA today. So, since this journal and the next are heavily decorated in the inner covers, I went and decorated the 5 Lisa Frank books. I also stuck a dog and a cat each on envelopes that’ll go to Kim and Larry. I didn’t for Bob, cuz I think they might think there’s drugs or something hidden within or under the sticker, so I didn’t take the chance.

I also designed that boring journal cover of Kim’s she sent. If someone gives me a journal, fine. But if I don’t like it, I can always design the cover myself and that’s just what I did. I used some of the cat drawing pictures that Kim sent that were in one of the calendars. I’ve got 2 on the front cover and 2 on the back. I laid them down and then wrapped them up with clear contact paper.

I don’t know if I mentioned this, but the trip took about 4 hours. That excludes the time we stopped for breakfast on the way up. I didn’t know this, but the California border is only about 2½ to 3 hours away. I always had thought it was about 6. It’s 6 to Los Angeles and any kind of city, I guess.

Andy decided that yes, the print of my journals, which was very small to avoid having to take up thousands of pages, is way too small for him to read and it strains his bad eyes and gives him headaches.

Well, good. He’s gonna bring the book back. I should never have made the stupid mistake of giving him the book in the first place, but you live and learn. I told him, though, that I still wouldn’t be surprised if I died before he does, so then he can borrow the originals.

Tom brought up an interesting point the other day. Through talking to him, I was able to realize that I’ve gotten at least 3 pre-thought-of dreams. Coming here, going to California and his cumming. As far as I’m concerned, though, I’ll still never be pregnant. It’s always been that the things I want the most never do come true and I’ve wanted a kid more than these 3 things. Besides, I still think that goes along with God’s unfairness rule. It doesn’t matter to him what kinds of people live here, go to California and have mutual sex. Especially since the majority of the population seems to have no trouble with mutual sex. It’s not as unfair for an asshole to go to a particular place or have mutual sex as it is for God to allow them a child.

As I’ve been proofreading my journals, on the computer, I realized all the more such weird and scary patterns about my life. Well, I’ve established long ago that I just can’t get away with shit. Anything I’ve ever done wrong, I was almost always caught in some way shape or form. Meanwhile, people can commit murder and never get caught by anyone. Probably not even suspected.

Also, as I’ve said before, I’ve figured out long ago that the more you do wrong, the more God seems to respect you and love you and the more he gives you, though this doesn’t seem to apply to me. If I killed someone, he would not bless, respect, protect and reward me. For some reason, God seems to really be against me misbehaving. Not only does he seem to be against me and hate me when I’m good, he always has punished me when I’ve done wrong. He punished me by having so many people wake me up in different places I lived after the few years I woke up so many people by prank calling them. Now, if I was most anyone else, he’d never wake me up and get me back for waking up others. I know he wouldn’t. He never even punished Andy the way he’s punished me. Yes, he’s punishing us both, as always, and the patterns of our lives are quite scary. He’s so much like me that I think it scares us, as much as it helps us to talk about it and share each other’s dreams that we’ll never have. Here’s another good person, asking for a human and normal thing (and I don’t think asking for love is too much to ask for), yet God’s basically always told him to fuck off. Meanwhile, the child molesters and murderers have no problem finding love and so much more.

But then there’s Gloria. What is with her? How does God see her and why? As far as I know, she’s never been a bad person. I know no one’s perfect, but she does seem to be quite a classy person. I can’t see her ever committing crimes or beating her kids or into drugs and other negative shit, so why has he broken his general rule with her and let her have it all? I guess God just has a few select people that he considers special and superior to others. Gloria may have worked hard to maintain all she has, but she never had to work for it in the first place. It just came to her on a silver platter. Meanwhile, I’ve fought for things in the past and the present only to never get them or to have to wait years for them, all the while fighting tooth and nail for these things.

I really think God hates Jews and women. I used to think he didn’t hate gays, cuz if he hated any such thing or person, why not just eliminate the thing or person? Now I don’t know, though, cuz he hates me and hasn’t eliminated me or gays and the reason why I’m wondering lately if he hates gays, is cuz of how he allows them to be treated by society.

I saw a movie last night that really made me sick. And madder than hell. This was a true story of two lesbian lovers, both seemingly decent and fit to be parents. Well, one had a kid and the girl’s own mother took her to court to fight for custody of the kid cuz of her lover. How fucking sick! Then they say it’d harm the kid? How? How can two people that love each other harm a kid? These women weren’t doing anything explicit in front of the kid. Meanwhile, the straights can do all the explicit things they want in front of their kids and abuse them in all kinds of ways and kill people, yet still keep their kids. How can any court be so sick as to make a woman choose between love and her kid? How can any court be so sick as to have homosexuality be a class A felony? You mean loving someone for who they are and not what they are and what body parts they have is actually worse than prank phone calls? Well, obviously it is to them, cuz prank phone calls are misdemeanors everywhere. Sick, sick, sick!!! Quality should matter when it comes to parents, not gender or how many of them.

And speaking of this world’s motherfuckers who have it all, like fame, money, power, love, kids, and good health, well, I can’t believe (but then again, I can) our own fucking president lied his way into being elected. He promised to fight for gay rights upon election, but what did the little fuck just do? He banned the right for gays to marry. That fucking cock-sucking SOB.

What is it with you God, huh? Why do you want this world to be so sick, cruel and unfair? What are you trying to accomplish? What?!

I just wish I knew why God was so full of hate. Is God really the devil? Is there really no God, but just a devil?

Anyway, since my periods are like a faithful best friend who will never ever go away till I hit menopause, I’ve got quite the PMS case here. About 3 different times I weighed as high as 106 and I’ve got PMS in every sense of the word. I have every single symptom of PMS that PMS has to offer, so I’m a million percent sure I’ll be getting my period by the weekend. I know that tit soreness is part of pregnancy as the body adjusts to the new higher hormone levels, but even if God were fair and would allow me to get pregnant, you aren’t supposed to have pre-cramps and that’s exactly what I’m getting on and off. I’m the most fearful of Tom not cumming again for two years or so, more so than I ever have been since he first did in July. It’s just a strong feeling I get, but all I can do is hope I’m wrong and wait and see what he does.

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 1996
Right now I’m not in the greatest mood. I still have been having dizzy spells here and there. Tom says not to worry about it and it’ll go away.

Tom’s also got me pissed off right now. It’s just over the usual - sex. After he came home, he got naked, sat down in front of the TV, then I asked him if he needed anything and he said he needed to screw. So, I got up, turned off the TV, and was gonna get him going while he was still sitting there, but then he said it wasn’t very nice of me to turn off the TV like that.

Then why’d he say he wanted to screw? I’m just tired, once again, of these sex games. I’m sick of having sex in waves and of having a part-time sexual relationship. We either have sex or we don’t from now on.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 1996
We’re back home now, of course, so now I can begin writing all about our wonderful vacation.

First, though, yes I’m definitely gonna get my period in about a week. I have PMS in every sense of the word. I figured I would, though, and as I told Tom, in October I’m not gonna dog him about having a period then as he said I could cuz that wouldn’t be fair. The proper person to “dog” would be God, but that’d be useless. He’d just be up there laughing at me and that’s exactly what he would want.

Now, about the trip. The drive to and from there was long, tiring and boring, but the scenery was beautiful with lots of huge mountains. I didn’t know there was such a thing as the high desert and the low desert. Up in the high desert, there are lots of Yucca trees and Joshua trees. In the low desert, there are lots of Prickly Pears and Saguaros. I think the low desert is prettier. There were lots of dangerous roads that wound in and out, up and down the mountains and we even had our headlights on, as most cars did, to make seeing an oncoming car easier. There were some skinny wooden white crosses here and there that represent where people have died. We never saw any rabbits, foxes or snakes out in the remote areas where there were no towns, but we saw buzzards. Those are birds that are bigger than pigeons and they’re scavengers. They eat dead animals. Most of the trip was just an empty desert with distant mountains. We only passed through 3 tiny towns which were Wickenburg, Kingman and Bullhead City, which I call Bullshit City. On the way up we stopped for breakfast in Kingman, but we didn’t stop anywhere on the way back.

We traveled to Needles, California through the Arizona side of the Colorado River, which I saw. That river is sparkling clean compared to the Connecticut River.

I was so emotional and so excited as we entered CA. Another childhood dream come true. That was so sweet of Tom to get me there and said it was my temporary fix till we went further into CA to places like Sea World and Disneyland. Needles is right over the CA border in the middle of CA. Maybe just a bit lower than mid-CA. Needles is part of San Bernardino County near Barstow. It looked just like the desert regions of AZ and NV. As well as NM, TX and UT. There’s the desert side of CA and the ocean side of CA, separated by a huge mountain, but of course, that’s way further into the state. I didn’t see a sign that said we were entering CA, cuz we kind of entered by a back door, but it was so cool to see the interstate signs that said California. We pulled up by a Taco Bell and got a soda. Meanwhile, I was out at the base of a small mountain right off of the parking lot, jumping for joy. Then we stopped a little further out in CA in another nowhere land area where there was nothing but flat desert with lots of huge mountains off in the distance. Tom and I took one picture of each of us and one of both of us. Out of all the times, I wrote about going to California throughout my journals as one big fantasy, it’s cool to finally see it written as the truth. I remembered as I stood in CA, looking all around me, how I used to twirl around on my swing set when I was little and wonder when I was facing CA. Then, I’d twirl around real fast, knowing I had to have faced it several times.

As we were getting in the car to head for Laughlin, I took a white-gray rock and here at home, I took my purple paint pen and wrote “California 9/19/1996.”

After driving about 30-40 miles in CA, which took an hour, we traveled the Nevada side of the river into Laughlin. I like Laughlin much better than Vegas. The lights at night are much nicer in Vegas, but Laughlin was more of an older and mellow crowd and it wasn’t so mobbed. Parts of the afternoons were sort of mobbed, but not like with Vegas. That place is almost always rocking. Laughlin’s smaller, too.

We stood on the 24th floor of the Riverside Resort which has 26 floors. It had a beautiful view of the area. We were sort of dipped down in a valley with mountains of nowhere land all around us. Laughlin is just a little lone town out in the middle of nowhere. The big mountain tops were almost level with my head as I stood to peer out of the hotel window, cuz that’s how big they are, even though we were in a valley and on the 24th floor. It was a nicer-looking hotel room than the Ex-Caliber in Vegas, but shit were those beds hard! They were agonizingly hard and I had to take the bedspreads from both beds and lay those down under me.

After we checked in, we went and gambled for a bit, then to a restaurant. This was the other negative part of the trip, besides the long drive and hard beds and that was that these two little girls were being so obnoxious. They were screaming and running around the restaurant like crazy. The parents just wouldn’t discipline them at all. These kids were lucky they weren’t around a good 20 years or so ago when more parents tended to discipline their kids. I was dead tired and it really made me glad we didn’t have a kid then as it really would be a burden to gamble and have fun and get some sleep with one around. We certainly wouldn’t be able to have sex, either, cuz what would we do? Tell it to wait in the bathroom till we were done? Daycare would cost a fortune. We’d have to gamble one at a time, too, while the other one watched the kid up in the room. Coming home and wanting to just relax with space, peace, and quiet would be just a dream.

So, after we ate prime rib, we gambled some more, both together and separately. I kept winning and losing the whole time and Tom told me that if I see something I like at the gift shop or wherever, to get it while I have the money. So, since I stretched the $60 I had to begin with, I ended up being able to get $55 worth of wind chimes. I got 4 gorgeous ones which I’ll describe later.

For the most part, I played quarter machines. I got carded 3 times and the change people looked at me strangely when I asked for quarters with the way I say the word with my Eastern accent.

Here we go again with Wendy calling and bugging Tom with computer questions, but he’s at his mom’s right now, so there’s nothing he can do for her at the moment. What’s the story with this woman, though? Is she still heavy on him, or what?

Anyway, I basically played quarters and would win 200 quarters, and several 10s, 20s, 50s 100s and a 150 here and there, but of course I’d lose it. It was so much fun and I really love gambling and even have a favorite slot machine now which was at the Gold River Hotel. We were there on the 2nd day. There’s a machine there that has your typical 3 wheels that roll around with bars and 7s and cherries, but it also has a wheel up top. If you roll and get the money bag symbol, you get to spin the wheel and you can get from 25-500 quarters.

I like the Gold River’s change-holding cups best, too with its cactus design. The Riverside Resort just had a map on their cup, but I liked it cuz it covered where we had gone.

I bought a really pretty magnet with different shiny colors on it of a desert scene with different cactuses that says “Nevada.” And I also got one that has cards, dice and change on it that says ‘Laughlin’ and it also has my name. Even though I hate my name, I got it cuz I thought it was weird that I’d find something with my name on it, which isn’t too common, and I like the design.

Here’s a description of the wind chimes. One’s only a few inches long with one small and one larger purple crystal rock with gold chimes. The sun reflects through it nicely. One’s longer with bold colors, streaked with silver on its chimes and it has horses. The next longer one has beautiful floral chimes streaked with silver. The longest one, which is about 2’, has one rainbow-colored chime in the center which is streaked with silver, and then it’s got 5 round rings with round balloons hanging inside the outer ring. They’re really gorgeous.

By around 6 PM, I was getting very tired, but couldn’t sleep for a while till I made the bed comfier. So I listened to some CDs, and sent postcards and short letters with the hotel’s stationery to a few people. I contemplated on and off sending my folks a card. I asked Tom if he thought I should and he said yes, so cards and brief notes went to Kim, Bob, Larry, Tammy and my folks, but I still won’t write regularly to my folks or call them. I’ll let them call me and I certainly don’t want to see them, cuz I still mean it when I say that the 30 years of BS are over. Not only do I think that they weren’t very good parents, I don’t think they’re very good people. They’re certainly not my type, anyway. I’m sure Tammy will be pleased to hear that I sent them a card and not pressure me about contacting them for a while since Ma tells her every single thing I do or say to them.

We ended up falling asleep and waking up at the same time and that was from 9 PM - 5 AM. Before I went to bed, Tom went down on me, then we screwed when we got up. He didn’t get off, cuz his legs were still sore from working on the roof. At least it can’t leak in here and there’s only a little tiny bit left of roof work to do.

When we got up, we gambled a bit, then ate at that same restaurant. It was nice and quiet in there and it was right by the river, so we had a nice view from where we sat. Then we gambled for a while, then went to the post office which was below the casino. They had casinos down there too, though. After sending my mail out, we walked out by the river and saw some boats and some folks were on jet skis. We saw some ducks and even a pigeon walking by. Then we went to the Gold River to gamble, then back to check out of the Riverside, then back to the Gold River again till we lost our money and left.

Later…

I finally got Kim’s package. I really only liked two of the shirts. The ones saying ‘Arizona’ and ‘New Mexico,’ but Tom likes more of them and he’ll probably wear them. The calendars were nothing special. There were only a few pictures I liked that I’ve decorated my journals with. I thought they were live pictures, not drawings/paintings. The journal was rather dull, but I’ll make my own cover.

I left Andy a message when I got up this morning real early to let him know I needed to unwind from the trip, would be busy, but that I’d call him Monday. Sure enough, he called right back, so we chatted for a while. I told him about the trip and he told me got it off with Quinn, but still has to play his selfish games if he wants to know Quinn.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 1996
Right now Tom’s gone to the ATM to pull some money. We will be leaving soon. We’re going to CA today, not tomorrow. We’ll still be at Laughlin, too. Today! Today I’m going to CA! I’ve been waiting 30 years for this.

Later…

We are now on our way and we’re pretty psyched. Going to CA is no big deal for Tom as he’s not from NE and once lived in Riverside, CA.

We’re moving again, so my handwriting will be horrible. We’re just about out of the city limits. I’ve got my old boom box playing now. Tom stuck a cord on it so it could be plugged into the cigarette lighter.

Later…

We’re out in nowhere land now where it’s just vast expanses of open desert. Lots of cactuses and Joshua trees. We’re in between the tiny towns of Wickenburg and Kingman. We’re gonna stop at Kingman for a bite to eat. We brought the camera and camcorder and I did a little filming along the way and shot a few pictures.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 1996
Guess where we’re going? To Laughlin, Nevada, and to California! I’m so psyched! We’ll be leaving around 4 AM tomorrow, then driving to Laughlin. We should arrive there at 11 AM or so. At some point, he’ll take me just over the CA border which is mostly just a remote desert. I didn’t know the CA border was just a few minutes away from Laughlin. We’ll be staying overnight, then we’ll be driving back around 11 AM at check-out time.

Later…

I called Tammy and let her know where we’re going. She’s sick, as usual.

We’re definitely well due for this vacation. We have not had a vacation since getting married in Vegas. We won’t have much money for gambling and we can’t do anything in CA, but it’ll still be lots of fun. Hopefully, we can be on the top floor of whatever hotel we’ll be in. You know how the NHA made me as far as people above me goes. Tom says it’ll be dead, though, and so many rooms will be vacant.

He’s finishing up the roof now. I told him Monday sounded too good to be true as far as finishing the roof goes.

I just wish I were the size I was when we got married. Most of my clothes are too tight on me now and Tom says it’s part of the change. Still? I thought my body had returned to normal till the next shot, but he says my hormones are still out of whack and my body will be different trying to get pregnant, during pregnancy and then returning to the period mode. Anyway, I know my thin days are over, whether he’s right or wrong on this baby thing.

I left a message on Andy’s machine about the little trip we’re gonna take.

The more I think about it, the more I’m pissed off at myself for letting Andy read my journals. How fucking embarrassing and what a way to strip myself of privacy when it comes to journaling. He’s never gonna let me live down certain stupid things I’ve written.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 1996
I certainly haven’t been writing much lately, have I? I’ve been busy with that computer journal project.

The work on the roof is coming along well and we hope to hell it’ll be done by tomorrow. Tom planned on the roof being done yesterday, but I told him I had a vibe telling me there’d be a setback, and sure enough, he did run into a problem. Guess I’m still right on some things I foresee.

I’m not at all surprised Ma included “psychic powers” on her little do-not-discuss list. I should’ve known that’d scare her and that she’s not at all open-minded about shit like that.

Anyway, I didn’t wake up at all today during the time he was working on the roof and I barely remember being woken up once yesterday. The day before, I woke up a few times but quickly fell back asleep.

See? There’s a big difference when you’re woken up by something at home and when you expect it and know how long it’ll last.

I still don’t dig the idea of being woken up for months due to a screaming baby and that’s something that goes on and on and you can’t quickly go back to sleep. You have to get up with it for a half-hour to an hour constantly. Well, I need not worry, but if I ever do, I’ve still got a long time yet.

Tom and I figure that the cycle began when I had those two full-period days. Therefore, I can expect a period in two weeks. I have a very, very weird feeling that I won’t see a period for a while, but since I know better, I am constantly telling myself, “You’re gonna get your period, you’re gonna get your period, you’re gonna get your period…”

This way I won’t get caught up in dreams and lose touch with reality. Reading back on my journals is a sad reminder of how I can’t have any pre-thought-of dreams and I wouldn’t even get my hopes up if I missed a few periods. Not with the way things are too good to be true. Not with the way I’ve made a fool out of myself in the past by getting all hopeful and positive.

Tom still says I won’t weigh what I weigh now on my birthday. Even if I conceived around October 1st, that’s only about two months. Then again, I probably would weigh around 108 from water.

Oh, Mystery, stop dreaming, will you?!

SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 1996
Tom just got up. We can’t have sex till Tuesday cuz he’s gonna be working on the roof till Monday. It’s OK, I told him. I understand it needs to be done and is our top priority. So far, the work he’s doing on the roof looks great and is going great.

Still no package from Kim. She must’ve gotten tied up and wasn’t able to mail it out when she said she was going to. Of course, there’s always a fear of it being misdelivered.

I’ve got about 9 journals decapped, spell-checked, capped, and proofread, but there’s been a problem with something taking up so much memory, that I can no longer save my work as I go along. Tom’s still trying to figure this one out, but hey, there’s always a problem with I do some type of project on the computer.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 14, 1996
I haven’t written as much due to my being rather busy. Right now I’m sprawled out on the bed cuz my ass is sore from sitting at the computer. You’d think, though, my ass wouldn’t be sore, as I’ve got enough fat to cushion it. Now I’m usually weighing 104. Something really got all fouled up during my last wacky period, since nothing else has changed with me. Not necessarily anything wrong, but obviously I have a severe case of water retention now. I expect my period in a day or two, so maybe then my water weight will subside.

This is weird, yet wonderful. Well, I haven’t heard next door at all. I mean, not at all. Not even soft bass thumping as they come and go and yes, the Jeep is there. I’ve seen it parked there. Well, Tom’s on vacation this week, so hopefully they’ll stay quiet and not bug us.

I went to Andy’s last night and I finished the cat.

He’s got the printed version of journals 1-20. How fucking embarrassing!

I never did get Kim’s package yet.

Tom perfected the de-capping system and here are the 4 steps I go through with the journals. First, I de-cap it and turn it into all small letters. Then I check the spelling, then I cap it (words like I’ll, I’m, I, and letters after periods). Then I proofread it and cap any names or song titles the spell check may not pick up and correct any typos.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 12, 1996
Gloria’s gonna be on HBO in a couple of weeks. On the 21st, I think. I’ll have to check it out and see how she’s looking these days. At least I’ll get a dynamic performance from her with lots of great songs.

Starting next Wednesday, the season premiere of Law & Order begins. I had given up on the show for a while, but the last one was so good, that I may check it out again for a while.

Gosh, I really really wish we’d gotten the de-cap thing all squared away. Tonight would’ve been a great night to play with it and I’m in the mood to do so. Well, it’ll all be squared away when I’m either not in the mood for it or am busy with something else.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 11, 1996
I realized something and that is that this is the longest stretch of time I’ve gone without feeling like I’m gonna panic just cuz I can’t have a kid. Also, it’s still such a good feeling to have us both cumming.

I never heard next door blast in, but there was a light on over there when I last looked over there. I guess Mike never came home. I hope they broke up. Better yet, I hope he’s in jail and will stay there for a very long time.

In back of this book is a listing of all the local radio stations and what they’re all about. Tom got it for me out of his mom’s paper.

Last night I did 3 drawings. A shitty one of a woman, an OK one of a cat, and a fairly good one of Norah. I redecorated the walls in here and made room in another spot in the music room for wall art. I’d like to possibly do a Queen Ann palm tree. We also still want to paint over some of my shittier and older wall art so I can redo stuff there.

We’ve got the EC on now since it’s cooled down tremendously. It’s so humid in here, though. Even this book’s pages are rippled due to the moisture in the air, but they’ll straighten out when it’s gone.

Can’t wait to get Kim’s package. Hope it comes tomorrow.

The symptoms are back again. I’m not moody, but I’m peeing frequently and my tits are definitely bigger. I’m 3 or 4 inches bigger all around than I should be. Meaning, I didn’t just recently get bigger, but I do need to lose 3 or 4 inches all over and firm up. I don’t know why my tits have grown. Maybe it’s water or just cuz I’m older, but I hope they don’t get any bigger. Already my clothes don’t fit right. That’s why I always liked small ones. Clothes fit better and you can get away with no bra which is a pain in the ass and you don’t have to worry about bouncing all over. I’m still hanging in at 102 and I assume the reason I feel all bloated and all that is cuz I’ve got PMS. We’ll see.

Meanwhile, Tom’s working on writing a macro so I can de-cap documents that are all capped.

Later…

OK, why I’m now 103 and sometimes even 104 is really a mystery to me that’s pissing me off. I can’t be pregnant, so why? I should’ve dropped a pound or two seeing how I peed 5 times in the last hour.

Anyway, I talked to Andy earlier. He has no energy to see me tonight, but maybe tomorrow night.

Tom says he wants the new roof on and done by Monday. He’s gonna have to be working on it during the weekend whether I’m asleep or not. So God, please compensate me with something nice seeing how I’ll no doubt be dog tired.

I hope his racket won’t encourage next door to raise hell, but they may just do so anyway. I hate to think of how rowdy they’ll be on New Year’s Eve since they really lived it up on Labor Day. I doubt they’ll be here then. I think there’ll be new people there every year or two and they seem like the type to be there closer to a year, rather than two years.

After we get the de-capping system up to par, I’m gonna de-cap all the journals I typed with all caps. Then I’ll cap it and I’ll cap it like it normally does when I type with all small letters. All I’ll have to cap manually are names, places and first letters in the first words that begin each paragraph. Then I’ll choose different fonts for each journal, then I may very well go through and proofread them since there are a million typos and I may reprint them, too.

Well, I think I’ll go type Minnie a letter. After that, I may watch TV or something, but I’ll figure out something to do.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 10, 1996
Here they come. I saw the kids using their monkey bars. With the weather cooling down, I’m sure that’ll be a regular sight. And they can see over into other yards too, so, so much for privacy as well as peace.

I still can’t get past level 12 on Jezzball, so Tom’s trying to beat that now. I told him he won’t beat that.

Later…

My typed version of the journal excerpts came out weird. I guess the capping system reversed itself cuz the first word of every second sentence in every paragraph is small. So he’ll get a letter with all caps, except for that. I wish I could de-cap stuff I typed with all caps. Anyway, I realized my excerpts of the edits were a bit too long. Meaning each subject is too long. So I went and shortened a new version for practice just like I had cut down my edit tapes.

Tom didn’t beat level 13 and I still can’t either. It’s really weird cuz 98% of the things I practice, I improve on, but I’m stuck in a rut with this game.

Earlier I felt like I had period cramps, but who knows what I really felt? I have no bleeding, but I took an ibuprofen to ease it, anyway. My guess is that I’ll get a period (normal or not?). In about 4 days. I just can’t seem to get my weight below 100 and I haven’t eaten much, either. I’m usually a steady 102 and I’m usually feeling quite bloated. I feel as if my tits have grown a bit and he noticed, too, when I asked him.

Tom and I had a fun night. We chatted and fooled around and he’s all psyched up due to having success with a computer project.

It’s beautiful outside now, even though it’s thundering and lightning a little and raining, too.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 9, 1996
OK, time to catch up. We didn’t go to the Grand Canyon the other day cuz my schedule just couldn’t match up, but we’ll go one of these days.

Meanwhile, we had a fun and productive weekend. We screwed and yes, he got off.

We went swimming and to see his mom. He went over there by himself on Sunday to mow her lawn and take her to and from church.

He also worked on getting the frame ready for the sound block that’s to go in the living room window.

I talked with Andy and he played me a message he got from a certain person we used to know. When we worked together at Denny’s in Chicopee, there was a cook there named Jayke. She was a great cook and a nice person, but a bit delusional as she’d claim to be able to contact some spirit of a dead rock singer and other witchy things. She reminds me of Al Loomer. She was one of those who appeared both with it and not with it. Few people are like that. They either seem with it or they don’t. She was what I describe as a stable-acting fuck-up. Anyway, Jayke said she hasn’t talked to Andy in so long, has been thinking of him and would like to talk to him.

Every now and then Kim sends a package of goodies to me of stuff she doesn’t want, but that she doesn’t want to just ditch, either. She says she’s sending a few sleep shirts she doesn’t want and a journal and a couple of expired cat calendars. She says the journal’s blue with silver Victorian geometrical designs. If it’s what I’m thinking of, it’s gonna be a rather dull-looking journal and Kim has dull taste for the most part. If so, though, I’ll make and design my own cover as I did with the one Andy gave me that he found in the dumpster.

She says the cat calendars have really cool pictures in them. One’s pocket size and the other’s a bigger hardcover book.

Later…

Tom just called from work to tell me he’ll be working a little late, so don’t worry. He’ll be home in 1½ hours.

I still have no desire at this time to contact my parents. Our letters to each other were obviously a waste of time and we’ll never see eye to eye with each other. Neither of us is comfortable with each other and we’re just too different to ever get along and right now, I just want to associate with Larry whenever, associate with Tammy as little as possible and not associate with any other family member.

A couple of days ago I got a letter from Kim and she enclosed a Bob letter that said how worried he was over me. Remember? I was supposed to be missing. He should’ve gotten my letter last Friday as if nothing at all went wrong and Kim and I both will carry on with our plans. We know nothing about it. I’m also doing something a little different for Bob that he least expects. See, he knows and expects lines like the rooms being on fire and all that, so it’s nothing new to him if I wrote mumbo jumbo. However, I thought of a neat way to be weird and make him wonder, yet still make sense. What I’m doing is I’m taking excerpts from different journals on the computer and putting them into one file and editing a letter for him that way. This way I’ll be making sense, but he’ll wonder who the hell I’m talking about and when the hell I’m talking about and where the hell I’m talking about.

SATURDAY, SEPTEMBER 7, 1996
There’s still no sign of baby Measles, but Measles has shown up here and there.

All’s OK with next door this weekend. So far. And I repeat, so far. Last night, though, someone came blaring in to see them at 9:30, then left two minutes later, probably to buy drugs.

Tom says he thinks a teenager lives there and sees her leave for the school bus every morning.

I pulled my master oldie tapes and redubbed them since I’ve gotten so many on CDs. I shrunk them from 3 tapes to 2 tapes. I had to use Tom’s tape deck, though, cuz as God would have it, my tapes don’t record too well. They’re much softer and a bit distorted, but that beats having everything too soft due to a wimpy system. Also, it’s good that I’m not as into recording/editing as I used to be.

THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 5, 1996
Last night was a disaster as far as sex was concerned. I have a couple of theories as to why what happened, happened. It’s either one of them or both, I guess. We just couldn’t get him inside me. He claimed I moved too much, so that was why he couldn’t get in there. The first time I moved too much, but I was pretty sure I stood still the second time around to let him do the lining up. Both times, though, after I got him hard by hand, it seemed he deflated as soon as he tried to get in there. I thought maybe he was worried about me or got scared at the possible close call we might have had, but he claimed he was fine. During all this, I could’ve sworn I felt a presence in the room, but who knows what it was? All I can say is that it didn’t agree with what we were doing. It didn’t agree with us having fun and it certainly didn’t agree with us making a kid, either. Well, I’m still sure a kid will never be made by us, but Tom was telling me beforehand not to nag him and let him be him sexually cuz he has no control over what happens in bed. He also told me that the reason why I feel cursed and like things go in cycles is cuz I decide too much in my mind. He says saying something will or won’t be, won’t prevent good results, but it can lead to bad results or no results. I don’t agree with that one. Not when there’s been plenty of times I said I would and that I wouldn’t be a singer and I still ended up not being a singer.

The other possibility as to what happened was that he decided to tease me for saying I was worried once again about our sex life going back to its old ways and he deliberately made sure he couldn’t get inside me so I’d feel frustrated, embarrassed, and not good enough as a little payback. Maybe he’s gonna make sure, if he can, that things don’t go my way or our way if I say they won’t or probably won’t, just to get me to stop bitching or worrying out loud so he doesn’t have to deal with it. Perhaps that’s it. Perhaps he’s got more control over the situation than he’ll ever admit and he won’t get off more often till and if I talk more positively or not at all.

Well, I still say, welcome back to the good old times. Meaning, I won’t be the least bit surprised if we have to wait another couple of years for him to get off again. Then maybe I’ll have another 3-week period, then just as my body’s able to “hook” he won’t cum again for another couple of years. All I can say is that I hope to hell I’m wrong and that all works out OK and that we have a kid and that he continues to cum regularly enough. I want to have the control over him that he has over me and make him get off regularly cuz I’m good enough to do so. Still, I can’t help but think that this is just a dream. Just like with the singing, just like with the woman, just like with other things I’ve really wanted. While I’m blessed with enough things to be thankful for, I asked myself, has God ever given me something that I’ve really, really wanted bad? No. I always wanted to move out here, but not as bad as I wanted to sing, to have a woman, to have a kid, to quit smoking, to get on a steady schedule. There really is a definite pattern. If God blesses me with anything wonderful, it’s stuff I never thought about. I wanted to move out here, but not as much or as often as I wanted the other things. I never thought about marrying a guy, computers, drawing and lots of other things I didn’t really set out to do that are still nice gifts/blessings. I’m blessed with being in a house and out of poverty, but I never thought of having this due to a guy I was married to. I’m blessed with no longer having to play bus or beg for rides, but again, I never thought it’d be in the way that it is. I’ve no regrets about the way that it is and it was a wonderful surprise, but once again, I ask the same question I’ve been asking all my life: Am I ever gonna get something I dream of and think of and want really, really bad? Since I do believe that God compensates and gives if he takes, this could be a good sign. I haven’t seen Measles today and I haven’t seen Baby Measles for days, so maybe, just maybe, this is a sign that I shall be given something. But will it be something I really want bad? Something I’ve dreamt of and thought of for a long time? Or will it just be a new bird that I consider a favorite? Or is it cuz I got the stereo of my dreams that he took these birds? Believe it or not and regardless of my fears of going back in time sexually and who knows how else, I still do have a good feeling for this next year. A feeling of a major change, too, and babies do bring that. Still, I’m afraid to dream and to hope, but the different feelings I feel are what I feel (both good and bad) and there’s no changing or denying them.

Later…

I just took a quick dip in the pool and that thing sure is cooling down. Right on time, though. It cools down right about now every year.

There’s still no sign of either Measles out there, but we’ll see. It is a weird coincidence that 2 out of my 3 favorite birds have disappeared. Who knows if they’re dead, sick of me, or if God did take them and is about to give me something else in exchange? I just want him to stop picking at me and keeping me in a rut and holding me back. I want him to be fair and show that he can love us enough to bless us with the gift of a child as he’d do with any murderer. Perhaps people would think that’s selfish as I’m sure there are plenty of people out there with pasts worse than mine and with little or no blessings or skills, but this is just how I honestly feel. I don’t think a child is asking for much. I think that’s a perfectly normal and human request, compared to asking God to dump millions of 100-dollar bills on our lawn.

WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 4, 1996
Yesterday I got 3 new CDs from the record club. The Village People, Paul McCartney, and Alice Cooper.

As far as next door goes, they may give us another wave of peace that’ll hopefully be longer.

When I was cleaning the bathroom yesterday, I heard bass thumping. It wasn’t loud, but it was a little obnoxious. So, as I went to peek out the door, he saw me and said, “Yeah, I’m pulling out.”

So then I told him, excluding holidays, I appreciate how he’s been keeping it down overall and would like him to keep it that way, stressing the “keep” part. Like, don’t you fucking get it yet, freeloader?

Minnie called last night. She had the second kid she didn’t want or deserve.

Later…

I got a hold of Tammy and told her that I don’t go by hearsay and asked her to her face if she told Mom that I told her of my past sexual problems with Tom and she said no. She said they mainly discussed things in general, but that the only things they discussed relative to that was whether or not I could conceive due to my past and the DES. Due to my past? What supposedly happened in my past besides the DES that could have sterilized me? Is she talking about the years of medications? I didn’t ask, but oh well. I still think that DES or not, it’s God. Right now, for example, I’m kind of bored and I could be putting this time and energy into caring for a child, but God said no. God said I must remain purposeless with no destiny.

Tammy says that whatever I choose to do about Mom and Dad won’t affect us as sisters, but I don’t know. I feel like she’s pressuring me to do what they want and fuck what I want and like she’s never gonna get off my case if I don’t have more to do with them than just send cards for special occasions. She goes on and on with how they supported me for years and I never denied that, but look at all the shit I’ve gotten in the midst of all that supposed support. Just cuz they’ve done things for me doesn’t give them the right to try to control me into being what they want me to be. I mean, my mother gave birth to me, but that doesn’t make a lot of the things she did to me OK.

I tried to tell Tammy that all I wanted to know is if she told Mom what I told her or not, not for her to keep this 3-way bullshit going and gang up on me with Mom and Dad and on and on. It’s my loss, she says, but I see it as my gain if I have little or no contact with them, cuz I’m sick of the bullshit. I don’t want to get involved any longer with the types of people that expect me to kiss their asses.

What if I did make it as a singer tomorrow? It’s kind of sad to know that my own mother wouldn’t want to know about it and that she wouldn’t give a shit. If I had a baby, she wouldn’t want to know about it. What kind of a mother says that to her child? What kind of mother doesn’t say to their kid, “I know it’s not your fault or anyone’s fault, but I’m sorry you’re sterile.” Instead, she acts like she couldn’t care less and tells me not to mention it. There’s no support or anything. She could never come out and tell me that if I needed to talk, bitch, or cry about it, to call her and that she’ll be there for me as a listening ear and support me.

Tom said that when the kid he still thinks we’re gonna have is born, why not send a birth announcement, cuz then the ball’s in her court?

I don’t think so. If they can’t give a damn about me, I can’t give a damn about them or putting anything in their court. I don’t want to associate with those who are only proud of me when I’m saying and dressing and being what they want me to be. Tammy said it’s not like they’re telling me I can’t ever sing or that I should cut my hair off, etc. That’s true, but I still can’t ever feel comfortable associating with those who want me to be what they want and who lie and act like they couldn’t care less about any problems or anything that matters to me. They’d sympathize with me if I had an accident and had to have surgery, but they sure as hell don’t give a fuck about sterilization, cuz they don’t think I should have a kid.

Tom doesn’t think I should smoke, but he still accepts me for who and what I am. He isn’t just there for me if it’s something he agrees with. He doesn’t try to change me or tell me not to talk about something he doesn’t care about or can’t relate to. Tom says you can’t compare spouses to daughters and parents, but still, if you really love someone as a friend or a family member, you let them be themselves. You let them know you care and are there for them if there’s a problem with sterility or anything else. You let them talk about what makes them happy as much as they want or need to. You don’t just take the parts of them you like. Everyone has what others see as their ups and downs and when you love someone as a friend, spouse or daughter, you take the whole package deal. Not just the parts you like and or agree with.

Tammy still thinks that just cuz they’re my parents, who weren’t perfect, who did a lot of things wrong yet still love me, I should just give them what they want. Oh, either way, they’ll get what they want cuz I’m not discussing something with someone who doesn’t give a shit. Who would want to discuss something that someone said they didn’t want to hear? If there was a whole new problem going on with us that was similar to sterility, I wouldn’t discuss it with them, regardless of whether I thought they’d agree, care, or understand cuz there’s no trust there. Absolutely no trust. I wrote the letters I did for her and Dad, not for her to discuss with Tammy. If mom or dad really needed to talk about it and felt they couldn’t talk to me, they should’ve talked to each other. They’ve betrayed me and I could never trust them with anything personal.

Later…

I just had the weather channel on and there’s a big hurricane that’s gonna really slam the hell out of Georgia and the Carolinas. It looks like it’s gonna miss Florida. This one’s almost like Hurricane Hugo was in ‘89 and I see lots of death and destruction, unfortunately. This one’s Hurricane Fran.

I’m still not sure if I like the idea of Andy reading my journals. Not just cuz of any embarrassment I’d feel, but due to the fact that I won’t feel like my writing is private and something I do for me and for me only. Oh well, we’ll just wait and see what happens with that.

TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 3, 1996
Yup, next door had a party yesterday. It wasn’t the worst party, but it’s not something I enjoyed either. There wasn’t any ball-playing, but they barbecued, and for about 3 hours I had to sit and listen to their music. Tom considered it a reasonable volume and I considered it almost a reasonable volume. He’s probably right when he says I’d have slept through the whole thing and their company too, but I know this is when they’re gonna lose it. I figured they would sooner or later, but I’ll bet they’re gonna use Tom’s hammering as the perfect excuse to blast off at least twice a day. Tom says it was only cuz it was a holiday, but I doubt this. He also says that if they wanted to do it out of spite, they’d have never turned it down the time they did and that it’s just a matter of if they remember to turn it down. Yeah, kids do tend to have a very short-term memory. He says it’s still 50/50 as to what’s gonna happen with them in a week or two or a month. Well, I know the answer to that, but Tom says he’ll take care of whatever he has to. Good, cuz if he doesn’t, I will, but I do know I can trust him to do so.

He did something weird this morning that he’s never done that I know of before (the dude next door). He left at around 8:30 and I could hear some bass, but it was reasonable and when he came back I never heard him. The only way I knew he was back was cuz I went to stick my mail out. I’d assume that he’s gonna leave again for work any time now, so we’ll see. For the most part, though, it’s been like the garage door or a big airplane. I hear them when I’m up, but they don’t wake me up. That’s also how it usually is with Tom’s snoring.

I just hope to hell they don’t get any louder and that for the most part, I don’t know when they’re home or not, but I know that’s wishful thinking. God’s not gonna let me go so long in peace. It’s time now. It’s time for God to sic the noise on me and who knows how many times it’ll be so loud that I get woken up?

A part of me wishes they’d move. I don’t want them to cuz they’re not home most of the time and I do want them to cuz of the bass. Hell, I’d take kids and dogs over that bass, cuz the fan can drown them out and they can’t wake me up. Well, I’m sure they will move soon enough. Especially if they’re renting. Also, there’s something about that house that keeps it turning over. This is family number 3 to be there since we got here, so I’m sure we’ve got at least 5 more to go through before we’re out of here.

I’m sure most of us have lots of questions about the future we’d like answered for our peace of mind. Or to prevent or deal with a future bad thing in a better way, but if there are only two things I could ask right now it’d be to know the date of the day we do move and when I’ll get pregnant if I ever do. Will we really move before the turn of the century? Will we really have a kid in 1997? Of course, I could go on and on from there. Will I ever quit smoking? Will I have the baby by C-section if I do have one? Will I ever get on a schedule and if we have a kid, will I ever sleep a full 8 hours again and how often will I be able to do so? Will I really be a good mom and be able to handle it? Will a child strain our marriage?

God, we better be compensated with something good to come! Like I said, we’ve paid our dues. If I’m not gonna be able to sleep and if I’m gonna have to listen to noise, can’t it be my own child’s? I’m tired of having to not sleep for others. I’m tired of listening to other people’s noise.

I ended up being up 21 hours yesterday and didn’t fall asleep till around 8:30, cuz the freeloaders had me so damn nervous. I envy Andy since he has no driveway right outside his bedroom window. He has other noise to deal with, though. He said he hears a baby across the street crying, there are barking dogs there too, and street noise, since he lives on the corner of a main drag.

What am I gonna do? Tom says I have nothing to worry about, but I know better. You think God’s gonna allow them to keep the music down and that they’re not gonna say, what the fuck? I don’t think so. Besides, even if God and them did keep their music down, there’d be something else.

If God has any fairness at all in him, he’d let us have a kid. We’ve been through enough and we deserve it. The problem is that God doesn’t give to those who try and to those who earn and deserve things. It’s just the opposite. If he does reward or compensate deserving people, it’s usually with something nice, but not necessarily something they really, really want. I wish Nervous or Tom’s dad could go to God and say, “Give them a break! Have things be stable and peaceful around their house and keep them financially OK and just let them have the kid they want and deserve,” but again, it doesn’t work that way. I haven’t prayed to God in ages, either, cuz I know that’d make things worse. I’m only saying this out of past experience, too.

Later…

As far as I know, the guy next door is still there - nope - wait a minute - yeah! Thank you, thank you, thank you, God! The guy next door just left very, very very quietly!

Tom says he thinks she doesn’t work, but I think she’s got to or else I’d think I’d hear her or her kid or music coming from the house. Also, Mike did say, when we met, that they needed a babysitter. I doubt she could hear my music if she was there, cuz Tom and I tested the other one up full blast and even though it was softer, he was sure they couldn’t hear it. So, even if this one’s louder, it won’t be louder than theirs, it’s not outdoors and I’m gonna go test it right now, anyway, no matter what.

Later…

I love it! The new stereo is great. I can hear my softest stuff really well. I hope no one was over there to hear it, but if they were, tough shit.

I’m trying to decide whether or not to do any cleaning since he’s still got work to do around here. I guess I will. There’s no use in letting it build up.

Later…

I’ve got a good update on next door (hopefully), but first I want to copy in the letter I received from my parents and this time, I’ll correct their spelling and punctuation.

Dear Jodi,

All is well with Dad and I. We are coming to the end of our hot summer and looking forward to a busy season at the store. We are also on guard during the hurricane season. We stock up on extra water, candles, batteries, etc. Heidi at 16, Max at 11 and Chicken at 5 are all doing well.

We received a very nice note from Tom’s mom. It’s nice that you help her.

We enjoyed the visit with Tammy, Bill and the girls. They are growing into lovely young ladies. They all swim like fish.

Just got through watching the weather report over Phoenix. Guess you had a lot of hail, lightning and rain. Through the summer we get afternoon storms that sometimes can get quite severe.

Hope Tom is happy with his work.

Now it’s time to answer your letter and clarify my feelings. This will be the only time I will do this. There will be no further discussion either by mail or phone.

I will no longer read by mail or listen by phone to the following from you: weight, hair, singing, your past, babies, sex, the difference between you and Tammy, dancing full or part-time, revenge, psychic powers, able to beat up anyone.

As your mother these are my terms. Remember I said no further discussion, this letter is final. Now the rest is up to you. There are hundreds of subjects to write or talk about. Should you care to phone on a monthly basis, do so with Tom, we would enjoy speaking to him too.
Remember - I do love you
Mom

Then Dad wrote:

Dear Jodi,

Mom’s letter speaks for me too. It’s time to grow up and live the future. Let’s enjoy what’s ahead, not what’s behind.

Love, Dad

Sex? Sex?! What is she - delusional? I never have and never would discuss sex with my parents. Certainly not as an adult. There’s no way in hell I’d feel comfortable doing that. The only people I’ve ever discussed it with are Andy, Kim and Tammy.

I think I know what happened. That fucking sister of mine, who’s got a mouth as big as Mom and Dad’s, told them of our past sex life and she included sex for Tammy. I’ll ask Tammy about it tomorrow, but who knows if she’d admit to discussing it with them if she did. If she says she did, I’m gonna tell her flat out she betrayed me, the trust is gone and so am I. I’m so sick of these lying, exaggerating, controlling, selfish, jealous parents and sister of mine! I swear I’m getting closer and closer to just up and walking away. I’m not gonna associate with someone on their terms and their terms only. Tom suggested that since I can’t be myself or talk about my interests or what’s going on in my life, why not have a relationship on a courtesy level and just send cards for birthdays, anniversaries, etc. I don’t know about that. I’ve had all I can and will take of these people.

When she mentions the “able to beat someone up part,” she’s probably talking about the time I mentioned that in Marty’s letter, but I don’t know. I just don’t know.

If I’ve ever mentioned the “difference between Tammy and I,” it was only a couple of times in reference to my desire to be treated equally to her and Larry.

I don’t know why the dancing’s a big deal, either, cuz it never was “in the past,” but I’m surprised she left out the birds, pig, and the drawing on her little Do Not Discuss list. It’s my guess that she forgot to include the drawing.

I’ve just had it with these be-what-I-want-you-to-be people. I’m sick of all these conditions. And dad tells me it’s time to “grow up?” What have I said that’s so immature? Is it immature to sing, to want a child?

Parents are supposed to be sympathetic to any sterile child of theirs, but we all know how much she hates kids, anyway. Parents are supposed to listen to, enjoy something that makes their kid happy and encourage it. Not demand they shut up about it just cuz they may not like it, not care about it or cuz they’re jealous.

MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 2, 1996
It sure seems like the summer went by fast. Another month or so and we’ll be able to see just how chaotic it’ll get next door. They’ve still been quiet, so I think they’re gonna move soon.

I have lots to tell and it’s basically good stuff. As I knew I would, I did end up getting a full period. Tom still says, though, that my body had to go through “the change” and that my body can hook a baby now. He says that I’ll “get hooked” this month and that I should have no period in October. He said he’s so sure of it that if I have a period in October, I can let him have it and rub in his face just what I think of God and how Robin’s a liar. I don’t know, though. He’s only cum twice since he began cumming in early July with a few small orgasms too, and we don’t get to have sex that much. So, who knows if we’ll even be able to have sex enough or if he’ll cum enough. I still worry at times, that he’ll go back to not cumming at all.

He says he really does believe that a child is a gift from God and that we’ll get our gift, but I still can’t imagine God ever blessing us with such a gift. Like I’ve said before, if he can bless murderers with such a gift, why should he give people like us such a gift? I asked him if he thought God would write off my existence if I asked him to and he said no cuz it’s his job to take care of the world. Well, then why isn’t he doing so? Why are there so many natural disasters and crimes? And so much unfairness? How can he say he’s taking care of the world by allowing 12-year-olds to get pregnant? Teen pregnancies, fires, hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, wars, rapes, murders - that’s taking care of the world?

I wish I could speed up time and have it be next month or the month after that to see what’ll be going on. Or at least take a peek a couple of months up the road, but I can’t. All I can do is wait. Sometimes it’s like two voices are at a tug of war with each other in my mind. One says, “Maybe there’s hope. Maybe he’ll keep cumming and maybe this two-week weird and very different ordeal is a sign of a good change to come.” The other voice says, “Don’t do it. Don’t be a sucker and a stupid silly fool again. You know you won’t have a kid and that things will be the same year after year. Don’t hope and don’t dare to dream.”

Anyway, I think we’ve well paid our dues and do deserve a child. We’re now financially caught up and with his dad dying and with my life being the same and so empty and hopeless feeling for so long, we should get a kid as compensation, but I know God doesn’t work that way. Yes, he compensates us and I’m a firm believer in compensation due to personal experience, but he doesn’t compensate me with what I consider to be the ultimate dream which I’ve dreamt beforehand. Tom is first best, but his case doesn’t count, cuz he’s not something I dreamt of having. He happened, he’s first best, and I’d never want to live without him.

My second-best dreams were to quit smoking and get on a schedule, but when I say the ultimate dreams I’ve had, I’m talking about the singing career, the woman and the kid. I’ve no regrets about him taking the singing career since I don’t care for the lifestyle that goes with that. Also, I’ve no regrets about him taking the woman. I may find women attractive here and there, but I’m attracted to Tom more than enough and he’s got the qualities as a person that I’ve always wanted when it comes to relationships. God did give me my dream of Arizona, but if he took two, he should give two. He took the singing and the woman, so if I’ve got Arizona, can’t I have the kid too, which makes two? It seems like that should be fair enough with God cuz for every 10 things I’ve wanted, big or small, I’m lucky if I got one of them and I think it’s usually 4 or 5 things out of 10 for most people that they get. Then there are some people like Gloria who get it all.

I didn’t get caught up on my sleep till tonight. Tom’s snoring woke me up last night and I haven’t done anything like send the kind of letter I did to Marty, so I hope that my losing sleep for a while there and the 2-week long period really is compensation for a good thing to come.

I may have already got what God considers a just compensation, though, last night. I got up at 12:30 and Tom was up. I had cramps, took an Ibuprofen and he said he had a present for me that might make me feel better. Oh, it did all right! Tom traded in that other JVC stereo for a Samsung that is so much more powerful and so much nicer! Oh, it’s so nice to be able to hear old albums of Linda’s from 1967 really well without having to turn it all the way up. The other one was a stupid mistake on my part as it was just so wimpy. I’d have Linda’s old CDs cranked to the max, sit right by the speakers and still not hear it too well. I also didn’t like how the CD was so slow and how you had 3 separate drawers to put the CDs in where you’d have to check each drawer to remember and see what was in each one. This one’s a carousel so I can see all 3 CDs at once. The CD scanner is faster, and it’s got a lighted control panel so I can see the CD track number and the timing of the song. If the first 20 seconds of a song is boring, I can skip over it by hitting the scan button and releasing it as it hits the number 20. If I needed to tape CDs for someone, I could see how long each song was so I could fit it on the tape better without running out of room.

It’s got dual-cassette and they don’t scan by allowing me to hit play and fast forward at the same time or play and rewind at the same time, but it’s got optional high-speed dubbing. I would’ve loved to have had that when I was really into taping. It’s good to have, though.

It also has a clock, a timer, pre-set radio stations, Program, Intro scan, and a remote. We didn’t get the remote, though, cuz Tom got the model, which was missing the remote, but that’s OK. I can’t see myself using a remote since I always sit right by it and I can always use the program thing to program out the songs I don’t like. That’s what I used to do before when I’d be in there writing. That way I didn’t have to keep jumping up to skip over shitty songs.

I’m just so glad to have a stereo with functions I like and with power and volume. Now I can not only play all the CDs that were problematic on the old box, but I can hear all the older and softer stuff just fine.

Tammy and I were teasing each other about who’s got the better stereo and it was nice to have her sounding like my sister again and not my mother, I told her. I also told her I was glad Mom and Dad opted not to call cuz I just don’t want to get caught up in any 3-way shit and deal with the “she said, he said, you said” bullshit.

Last night there was a big storm and luckily it held off till right after I woke up and didn’t knock the power out, but I’m gonna go outside and check things out. My birds should be up now, too.

Later…

Everything looks stable outside and I just fed the birds.

Tom said to wake him up at 8:00 if he isn’t up by then.

Yesterday morning, as tired as we both were, we took Mom’s car for a test drive, since it had been having problems. It didn’t seem like we went just over 80 miles so fast, but we did. We were gone almost two hours, but it felt like we were gone for only an hour cuz once you get out of the city, you can speed up to 75 MPH.

We went out to the open and remote areas of the desert which is supposed to be what most of Arizona is like. We went to a place called New River and Black Canyon City. There were only a few tiny towns along the way, but they weren’t even a mile long. You could drive past them in two minutes. There was a prison out there too, for the worst of offenders, so they could be far enough away from civilization. It was so beautiful with lots of Saguaro and Prickly Pear cactuses.

Bob should’ve gotten Kim’s letter all worried about me and my disappearance and tomorrow, there’ll be mail service again, and I’ll send him a letter as if nothing ever happened and see what he has to say. He’s either been having a shortage of stamps or just not up to writing as I don’t hear from him too often. That’s OK with me, though, as his letters are boring.

Yesterday Tom mowed and did a small grocery run.

I weighed 104 yesterday, so I’m on a little diet. I’m 102 now and I’d like to get down to about 95.

Today he and David are gonna go pick up the wood for the new patio roof and who knows what else we’ll do? Hopefully, we’ll have sex. Right now, though, I’m gonna go get the laundry started.

Later…

Tom’s up now eating his breakfast.

I wonder if next door will have to work today or if they’ll be having a Labor Day party. I just hope to hell that they continue to be quiet and that if God wants me woken up here and there, it’s not due to anything outside of this household.

It’s slightly cool out there now, but it’ll get hot in a matter of hours.

I found a nice little goody in the outside storage closet. A big piece of an old pool cover and since we have no lounges, it’s nice to lay on and cuz it’s plastic, bird duties, and grass wash off it easily and the grass doesn’t go through it and stick me, and neither does the duties.

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Last updated June 15, 2024